| #9fodiggAug 08, 2008 11:03:33 | The City of Burden's Peak
My thoughts:- Cover art is so simple and direct that I find it to be charming.
- Layout is clean and easy to understand though it leaves a lot of "white space" on the page. Bad for printing.
- It seems like this would look the same in grayscale. Not too many colors. Good for printing.
- First paragraph: Holy crap, Muls and Thri-kreen! I really don't need to read the rest of this adventure to know I'll like it.
- First "read aloud" text is wordy. This might be just a general writing style I'm not used to in adventures. For example: "The city of Burden’s Peak does, indeed, offer most everything an adventurer could need." would, IMO, be far better just as "Burden's Peak offers everything an adventurer needs." I live for fewer words.
- Hmm. All this talk about exotic races being popular and the city is ruled by two humans. Ho hum.
- Columns keep starting with an empty line. Why?
- Great description of the palace but no reason why it's a "point of interest". Why should the players be interested?
- Waitaminute. What level is this supplement for? I'm on page 5 and I don't think it's said so far. Is it supposed to be for all levels? Is it segregated into sections?
- The "Sated Satyr Inn" sounds kinky. I like it. But was 14 different inns necessary? Also, none of them give reasons why we should be interested in them. They're just owners and prices per night. I wanna hear that the "Golden Harp Inn" is actually a hangout for the thrIrish mafia where they drink guinness and eat elven children.
- Wow we are getting a lot of town description up front. Why not start with the adventure and let this stuff come out over the course of that adventure? None of these PoIs will grab the reader unless it comes with a good hook. It's useful information, I just feel the reader needs a "START HERE" sign.
- Sector maps are useful, but we never see a compiled city map.
- After a map and summary of each sector we get: "A Walking Tour of the City:" where we do it all over again in greater detail. There has to be a way to combine these two sections.
- Tattoo artist is great fluff. I could totally see my players going nuts over that. Now please tie it to a hook.
- I'm starting to get the feeling that this is a simple city overview and not an adventure supplement. You might be fine with that, but I still feel that, even in a city guide, you need to have adventure hooks, or it just reads like a travel guide for tourists.
- Starting to get some of those inn descriptions in the sector breakdowns. I'm wondering if you shouldn't just give a brief "Map of the city & general sector descriptions" section and then jump into the sector specific stuff. I believe that's what they did in the Sharn supplement.
- Church descriptions are nice, but anyone with a PHB knows that "Erathis" worshippers probably like nature. It might be better to spin these particular churches in a unique way. Maybe give them a unique patron saint or something. (well, not the same thing for all of them, but you know what I mean)
- If we're in the palace sector, arguably where the most capable defenders of the city would reside, and the NPCs are level 4, this is clearly a low-level city and should be marked as such.
- Where's the adventure? Where's the danger? For example: "...the Southeast Sector is not always a first stop for visitors to the city. Due to the huge population, the crime rate is quite high, as is the presence of city guards." Okay sounds great. Sounds exciting. "The first stop on the walking tour of the Southeast Sector is the Asp’s Strike Tavern." Ohh, that sounds rough and tough and badass. "Owned by the dwarf male Gort Simmerwind, who also owns the Pilgrim’s Rest Inn in the Northwest Sector. The Asp’s Strike is a rare establishment in the Southeast Sector as it is clean and well-maintained." Aww...
- Madam Tellis is possibly game breaking if she's really capable. Divination is, like flight, one of the things that isn't supposed to be accessible to heroic tier characters. It removes obstacles that the DM needs to run a "street level" campaign. I would instead make her a well-known con artist with occassional bouts of actual talent. Then when she comes stumbling into whatever tavern the PCs finally settle in, ranting and raving, everybody else will laugh off her dire preditions. But maybe the PCs won't.
- Odd sentence: "Protective items blend seamlessly with offensive ones to create a very dangerous environment for any wouldbe charlatan." Not sure what you mean by this. Also, it's "would-be".
- Why is every PC an honest, pleasant business person that you expect the PCs to attack? Are they going to attack them out of boredom? "Nuvak Highmoor is a loud, boisterous man. Fierce and proud, it is ill-advised that anyone with good sense attempt to attack Nuvak, unless they are prepared to battle to the death. Nuvak has left more than a few bodies lying in the streets of Burden’s Peak, and he is not above doing it again." And yet we see no reason to get into conflict with him, or anybody else. This supplement is full of lines like this. Oh, and he's level 7. If I read that description to a paragon tier party they'd laugh and gut him. If you're going to make this an "all levels" city, you need to have higher, alternate stats for these guys. Another example: "A large, gruff man, Bull Mullins is quite intimidating when approached. His pleasant disposition does little to alter this perception, but he doesn’t seem to mind. When properly pushed, Bull will defend himself. He normally never has to do that, but a few patrons have ended up flat on their backs after angering Bull." And he's level 4. Boring.
- Ella, the "Garden of Delights" shop owner should totally have a "brand name" stamp on all of her goods. She totally reminds me of those "designer" shops my girlfriend likes to blow her money at.
- Local history section: Finally. This is the section that will give the flavor of the city. This needs to be beefed up and put up front.
- "Burden’s Peak and the surrounding areas have a sordid and shadowy past. About 400 years ago the city was all but destroyed by raiding trolls out for revenge." Yes, yes, a thousand times yes. This is the crap we need. Now just make it so the trolls are still out there somewhere.
- Aww. That was the local history? That was just the founding/naming of the city! I really think we could dump some of the local tavern stuff and beef up the local history. Gang infighting, race riots, stuff like that.
- "Most laws are enforced by the city’s guards and constabulary. If a person is caught breaking a law by one of these groups, the punishment is usually immediate. If someone is brought up on charges by another party, a trial is set. The accused must serve as their own council, as do the accusers. All trials are presided over by Duke Geveau himself. If the accused is found guilty, he or she must pay penance for their crimes immediately." You seem to keep daring people to break the law when they have no reason to do so, and then detail the horrible and immediate penalties for actually going through with it. That's not an adventure hook. That's a DM who's afraid his players will go on a murderous NPC rampage, and that usually only happens when there's no actual bad guys to kill. Solve the latter problem and you don't have to worry about the former.
- You have NPC stats for Thri-Kreen and Muls, but no PC stats. I would definitely work in some PC stats.
- Whoa. Drow? Why are they here? How can you say "oh, and we have drow" and not give us intrigue, danger, and delicious plot hooks?
- "Adventurers who enter the city are expected to do one of four things:
1. Buy supplies, lodging, etc.
2. Sell supplies, trade goods, etc.
3. Look for employment.
4. Offer employment opportunities."
Oh man...that is boring. Is it necessary to tell the players this?
- "If a person is not willing to do one of the above, they are seen as nothing more than drifters. Pariahs. Beggars whose only agenda is to fleece the city and its residents. An adventurer who is suspected of doing this will undoubtedly draw the attention of the guards, and will promptly be shown to the gate." Jesus. So why would PCs come to this town other than to sell and buy loot?
- Organizations look good. Usual complaint: No plot hooks.
- City sewers are a nice touch. "Undermaze" is a badass name. Where are the drow? Seems like all the danger is being segregated down into the undermaze. I've no problem with it being a dungeon, but it should be a dungeon that can house multiple delves worth of adventure.
- "Adventures in Burden’s Peak:" should be the first section the reader sees. This is what "sells" the supplement. Why is it on page 33 (of 42)?
- Adventure hooks seem pretty standard: 3 kill, 0 locate, 0 delivery, 0 defend, 4 escort, and 3 investigate (none of the investigates have secondary goals, such as "kill", should their investigation turn anything up).
- A full map of the city on p36. Should have been the first map we saw.
- Surrounding areas map/section should have more to it. There should be nearby adventure outside the city. This is just as important as what's inside the city walls.
- Sample taven entry is what each PoI should be getting, but with more hooks. The people who work there are not as important as the people who frequent the place and might be interesting to the PCs. Map was not necessary.
- Final blurb: "Entire campaigns can be played within Burden’s Peak towering walls." But the highest NPC we saw was level 7 and he was a good guy.
- "In the future, look for exciting expansions for Burden’s Peak, including the entire layout and description for the dark, labyrinth-like Undermaze and detailed descriptions of the city’s outside surroundings." This is the stuff we should have gotten in this supplement. The tavern descriptions, the detailed shop writeups and all that stuff was not going to inspire adventure.
Final thoughts:
I hope I didn't sound too critical because I think this setting has a lot of potential. There were a few key issues with your approach that I had disagree with, most notably the fact that this was not billed as a low-level town when clearly it is, as well as the almost total lack of adventure hooks.
I would encourage you to dump half of the PoIs you have listed in this PDF and beef up the rest with shady characters, adventure hooks, and intrigue. More mysteries to solve and wrongs that need righting. I would also expand the undermaze, giving it multiple levels for return adventures, maybe even at higher tiers. Set your page margins for ".5, .5, .75, .75" to get rid of that white space. You'll have more room for stuff and there will still be enough white space for you to print on hole-punched paper.
Also, as you describe this town, pick a single "tone" or "theme" as a selling point for the city. The theme I was picking up in the beginning was "monster town", with drow, dragonborn, thri-kreen, muls and tieflings as the majority population. I think that's a great idea. You could put the town on the frontier of the unknown and really make it really unique. Maybe a few dangerous alliances with other local monstrous hordes, such as an orc tribe that's also at war with the trolls. As soon as you started describing the town it was like you forgot that sense of strangeness that made it so interesting. It got very bland very fast.
I would also like to see more history. Both in the founding of the town and more recent events that the PCs can link into. If the "undermaze" is the key "delve" of this supplement, it needs to be very extensive.
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Thank you very much for putting this together, and please continue to improve/support this and future supplements! I hope that my review was found to be useful for your next release. |
| #10Hocus-SmokusAug 08, 2008 20:05:50 | Wow...very thorough. This is exactly what I've been looking for. Most comments I've received have been along the lines of, "nice work", or "looks good". Not very helpful. Your critique rings true on many, many levels.
Things to address:
The listing of stats for several of the town residents, even though they are good, is two-fold. First, (and I don't like this, myself) many people enjoy playing evil campaigns. The stats are there if they're needed. Second, should the NPCs be with or near the PCs when danger arises, the DM will have a guide as to whether or not the NPC has a chance in hell of surviving the attack.
Reorganization-definitely needed. True, the city map should be right out front.
NPC levels-need to be reworked. Burden's Peak originated as a low-level town and grew rapidly into a large city. I guess since my current players are all level 4 and less that I failed to notice and update the NPCs.
Thri-Kreen and Muls as PCs- I do not dare cross that Dark Sun line. If and when Dark Sun comes out for 4E, those PCs will be available.
Madame Tellis-a fraud. A well-skilled fraud, but a fraud just the same.
Lack of adventures- intentions were to present many of the adventures later. This book was to simply be the city itself, with mentions of possible adventure-hooks. Further books were to expand on the adventure aspects. For example...right now I'm about a third of the way done working on a Dungeonsweepers Guild Adventures book. This book assumes, of course, that the PCs are interested in joining the Dungeonsweepers. It includes adventures pertaining to the initiation into the guild, as well as adventures that take place after joining. The adventures are from low to high levels.
In conclusion---this was a test-run. With now over 110 downloads and counting, it shows me that the interest is there. Now...all I have to do is the one thing that WotC never seems to do: listen to the readers. With your comments combined with the few other useful ones I've received, I have no doubt that Burden's Peak v.2 will be better received.
Again, thanks for the constructive criticisms. They're greatly appreciated. |