Absolutely Just Jokes - Downloaded from the Wizards Community, all coding removed by Solauren

Absolutely Just Jokes

Post/Author/DateTime Post
#1
tigervirgo
Jun 21, 2008 19:49:23 Any good jokes?
#2
tigervirgo
Jun 21, 2008 21:12:42 BAM!

Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco.

On today's show, we're embracing our past youngling favorites & why they were so good for us back then, but not so good for us now as adults.

Like many hatchling dragons, our mother's taught us the value of the good hunt. I still remember the twinkle in my dear old mom's eyes when she brought home my favorite treats & watch me play with my food.

Who hasn't heard the mother's growl "eat your kobold hun, they're good for you." And, she was right.

Some of us adult dragons have no choice but to eat the foods that we ate growing up. This may be due to the limited food supply around them. But I discovered that a goblin or kobold has no real nutritional value than just junk food.

Recently, I began to wonder what would a goblin & kobold taste now, since my tastes have matured. And, what values it gives us. I was quite surprised.

When we were younger, goblins offered us that fattiness that our body needed to grow. Those greasy little goblins slid down our throats without a lick of saliva to drench them down.

Studies from the University of Tiamat, Foods & Drug Administration has researched in depth these creatures. They have found that the fat cells in the goblins helps our hatchlings produce sugar for their bodies which helps them become more energized. However, eating a goblin now, since many of us aren't exercising like we use to, will build up the fat in our bodies and slow us down in the long run. And, since the National Dragon Obesity Level (NDOL) is on the rise, I think its best if we stick to the better meats like; human, dwarves, elves, halflings, and gnomes.

But, what about kobolds you ask? Well, studies have found that those crunchy little morsels are great for our hatchlings teeth. They help sharpen and develop the hatchling's jaws & teeth for larger, more tougher prey. Now, if you eat them as an adult, they seriously hold limited nutritional value & substance to carry you for the day. You'll be hungry again sooner than you realize. Plus, those damn little critters know exactly where to squeeze themselves into when they enter your mouth. You'll be picking kobolds out between your teeth for days; live & dead ones.

Like I stated earlier, I returned down memory food lane & really found myself turned off by the whole greasiness of the goblins & the cleverness of kobolds hiding in your mouth. Those kobolds seriously make you work for your meal & never gave me that same satisfaction & pleasure that I remember as a young one. Even seasoning both species didn't help much.

However, I must say, I still have a hankering once in awhile for those pixies, sprites, & brownies though. Those sweet delectables, with their nectar filled tummies & blood are so sinful. Dipped in chocolate or honey, you'll be eating pixies until you burp pixie dusts. But that my friends, I'll save for another show.

I'm Emeril Leggosee Draco, saying "I'm eating good tonight!"

Enjoy!
#3
tigervirgo
Jun 21, 2008 22:44:37 BAM!

Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco.

On today's show, we're looking into why paladins give you devilish heartburn, and what is it with wizards that make them taste much better after they cast a spell or two.

Just recently I had encountered what I naturally believed was an over dressed human fighter. We had our battle, and yes, I may be blushing, but I had won. In terms of fighting style, this guy was pretty good. He gave me a good run for my money.

Like many humans, you hear their prayers and pleads to their gods when the soon realize that they will be your next meal. And, there is nothing they could do about it except grin and bare it. However, upon further research of my recent kill, I soon discovered, and to my surprise, that he was a paladin.

I usually never get heartburn after a good meal or fight. We all know how drunken dwarves gives you gas, and gnomes, if not killed properly, can give you the runs. However, I never expected a paladin to give me heartburn.

A few days after the kill, I have asked my fellow dragon chefs if they had the same issue with the holy fighters. And, they all agreed & came up with the same conclusion; paladin gods. Those faithful martyrs really pack a good & final punch when they go down. And, because they are so loyal to their gods, it does something to the meat which keeps you up at night asking "why me?". They still taste good, but those damn holy terrors really need to have the last fight before they pass.

Now, as for wizards, they bring a added bonus to themselves after a casting a few spells. One of my dining companions had came across a wizard who bedazzled him with his magical talents. Its obvious who had more magical talent & experience when they fought. However, he noticed the meat had an extra flavor to it. When we gathered to discuss the paladin issue, the topic of wizards came up.

When a wizard's magic energizes through him/her, it is believed that it does something to their body. Its a bit hard to explain the taste, however, upon feasting upon the victim, we all agreed that the taste is spellbinding to the mouth.

I figured I'd share both negative & positive quirks about these two classes in order to bring attention to your next meal. Its amazing what a little class does to one's dinner.

This is Emeril Leggosee Draco saying "I'm eating good tonight!"

Enjoy!
#4
pigknight
Jun 22, 2008 1:03:07 Bludgeoning weapons make dwarves tastier, I'm a paladin of the Raven Queen so don't pull anything or you'll have HORRIBLE heartburn FOREVER!
#5
tigervirgo
Jun 22, 2008 2:23:27 BAM!

Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco.

Bugbears, orcs & hobgoblins. How do you prepare these nasty dirty humanoids before they get nasty with you?

Oh yes, you all have eaten one of these beasts of burden to prove how strong you were at one time or another. How many of us lead an army of bugbears, orcs, & hobgoblins and had to prepare ourselves before devouring the weakest warrior? Trust me, I know what your going through. Many right now can recall that awful taste. The dirty, sweaty & sometimes moldy flavors our so called "allies" hold within themselves. But, I have some wonderful suggestions on how to make those flavors disappear.

Orcs, you can't live with them and you can't stand the taste, right? Well, these piggish creatures have a secret. Tenderize & bleed. When you get one of those orcish brawls happening in your realm, take the bull by the horns and swat them against the wall or bash them with your tail "BAM"! Make sure the blood runs tho. If its only bruising, the blood will spoil the taste. Now I see many dragon chef's eyebrows arc with intrigue on this one. Yes, it is the blood that gives orcs that unpleasant taste. And, since the hide is tough, tenderizing helps the meat & flavor.

Hobgoblins. When the gods created them, it was obvious they added pure ego to these gruesome beasts. How many of you had to really put your foot down, literally, on a few of these guys? Oh yea, I see the claws raising here. In my opinion, these creatures are the hardest to work with. However, you cannot argue with how they get things done. Not like those goblins that annoy us when we're trying to sleep. But when you're hungry, or need to show whose boss, you have to eat them.

What I find best about making my hobgoblins tasty is offer the one's who are giving you grief a "second chance". I know, I hear the complaints already. "But E. L. Draco, thats a sign of weakness to them". Yes & no. I'll explain why in a minute.

The "second chance" is a small mission to gather you some special ingredients. Suggest to the army to gather apples, peaches, or berries as a small gesture of good faith. Trust me, hobgoblins fall for this one allot and think they have you scared. What they don't realize is, when they offer you these fruits as a sign of "friendship", they're actually giving you the flavors you need to eat them with. The taste with the fruit negates the unnatural flavors of the beasts and you successfully prove who is the true boss. However, you don't want to use this tactic too often around the hobgoblin troops, or they'll catch on. So you might have to perform this tactic with only the one hobgoblin in the room. When the hobgoblin isn't seen or heard from again, the rest soon get the picture.

I've saved the worst tasting humanoid for the last. Yes, the dreaded bugbears. I see many heads nodding here. These creatures have no sense of genuine hygiene or desire to make themselves truly presentable. Once again, regarding their work habits, you can't argue with success. But when you need to show them that your bite is worse than your bark, you really need to prepare yourselves for devouring these bad boys.

These beasts are simple. Get them drunk. Make an excuse to have them celebrate, or take your time proving your point as they get themselves intoxicated. It is because of the ale, wine or mead that flavors these hardy creatures. And, for some reason, the alcohol sweats itself through the skin and adds a nice spicy kick to them.

I hope I had offered some excellent ways to have your orc & eat them too. Until next time, this is Emeril Leggosee Draco saying "I'm eating good tonight!"

Enjoy!
#6
tigervirgo
Jun 22, 2008 2:26:21
Bludgeoning weapons make dwarves tastier, I'm a paladin of the Raven Queen so don't pull anything or you'll have HORRIBLE heartburn FOREVER!

Sounds like someone would like to invite himself over for dinner sometime! ;)
-Emeril Leggosee Draco
#7
tigervirgo
Jun 22, 2008 3:03:47 BAM!

Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco.

Today, we'll talk & show you how to gut those gnomes without spoiling your own gut. As you can see, we have our own very special & frightened guest; a male gnome. I actually found this lucky specimen in my garden. Go figure.

As we all know, gnomes have a heart. And, it is this heart that we have a problem with. It was discovered by the United Dragon Society of Gnomenology that it is truly the heart that leaves that bad taste in our mouths.

Professor P. J. Greknorian, a wise black dragon I might add, had discovered that a gnome's heart has a second layer around it. Due to the realms in which these gnomes live & the gems they mine or cut, it is believed that, through evolution, the heart had developed a second layer of muscle to help pump the thick blood in their body. This amazing study also found, once the heart is removed, the bitter & gut wrenching taste vanishes.

Oh, look at our caged friend here. He wet himself. What an added bonus in flavor. Now, we take our little friend out of his cage. Oooh, he's a little fighter this one. Hold him aggressively in our claws. Darn, this little guy won't hold still. Sometimes, in cases like this, you need to flick these gnomes in the head. This will make them unconscious and easier to prepare. Like this. "BAM." Awe, our little friend is out like a light.

Now, with your claw, aim for the heart and there you have it. You're ready for dinner. Gnome appetite! Until next time, this is Emeril Leggosee Draco saying "I'm eating good tonight!"

Enjoy!

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 tigervirgo Jun 21, 2008 19:49:23	Any good jokes?
#2 tigervirgo Jun 21, 2008 21:12:42	BAM! Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco. On today's show, we're embracing our past youngling favorites & why they were so good for us back then, but not so good for us now as adults. Like many hatchling dragons, our mother's taught us the value of the good hunt. I still remember the twinkle in my dear old mom's eyes when she brought home my favorite treats & watch me play with my food. Who hasn't heard the mother's growl "eat your kobold hun, they're good for you." And, she was right. Some of us adult dragons have no choice but to eat the foods that we ate growing up. This may be due to the limited food supply around them. But I discovered that a goblin or kobold has no real nutritional value than just junk food. Recently, I began to wonder what would a goblin & kobold taste now, since my tastes have matured. And, what values it gives us. I was quite surprised. When we were younger, goblins offered us that fattiness that our body needed to grow. Those greasy little goblins slid down our throats without a lick of saliva to drench them down. Studies from the University of Tiamat, Foods & Drug Administration has researched in depth these creatures. They have found that the fat cells in the goblins helps our hatchlings produce sugar for their bodies which helps them become more energized. However, eating a goblin now, since many of us aren't exercising like we use to, will build up the fat in our bodies and slow us down in the long run. And, since the National Dragon Obesity Level (NDOL) is on the rise, I think its best if we stick to the better meats like; human, dwarves, elves, halflings, and gnomes. But, what about kobolds you ask? Well, studies have found that those crunchy little morsels are great for our hatchlings teeth. They help sharpen and develop the hatchling's jaws & teeth for larger, more tougher prey. Now, if you eat them as an adult, they seriously hold limited nutritional value & substance to carry you for the day. You'll be hungry again sooner than you realize. Plus, those damn little critters know exactly where to squeeze themselves into when they enter your mouth. You'll be picking kobolds out between your teeth for days; live & dead ones. Like I stated earlier, I returned down memory food lane & really found myself turned off by the whole greasiness of the goblins & the cleverness of kobolds hiding in your mouth. Those kobolds seriously make you work for your meal & never gave me that same satisfaction & pleasure that I remember as a young one. Even seasoning both species didn't help much. However, I must say, I still have a hankering once in awhile for those pixies, sprites, & brownies though. Those sweet delectables, with their nectar filled tummies & blood are so sinful. Dipped in chocolate or honey, you'll be eating pixies until you burp pixie dusts. But that my friends, I'll save for another show. I'm Emeril Leggosee Draco, saying "I'm eating good tonight!" Enjoy!
#3 tigervirgo Jun 21, 2008 22:44:37	BAM! Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco. On today's show, we're looking into why paladins give you devilish heartburn, and what is it with wizards that make them taste much better after they cast a spell or two. Just recently I had encountered what I naturally believed was an over dressed human fighter. We had our battle, and yes, I may be blushing, but I had won. In terms of fighting style, this guy was pretty good. He gave me a good run for my money. Like many humans, you hear their prayers and pleads to their gods when the soon realize that they will be your next meal. And, there is nothing they could do about it except grin and bare it. However, upon further research of my recent kill, I soon discovered, and to my surprise, that he was a paladin. I usually never get heartburn after a good meal or fight. We all know how drunken dwarves gives you gas, and gnomes, if not killed properly, can give you the runs. However, I never expected a paladin to give me heartburn. A few days after the kill, I have asked my fellow dragon chefs if they had the same issue with the holy fighters. And, they all agreed & came up with the same conclusion; paladin gods. Those faithful martyrs really pack a good & final punch when they go down. And, because they are so loyal to their gods, it does something to the meat which keeps you up at night asking "why me?". They still taste good, but those damn holy terrors really need to have the last fight before they pass. Now, as for wizards, they bring a added bonus to themselves after a casting a few spells. One of my dining companions had came across a wizard who bedazzled him with his magical talents. Its obvious who had more magical talent & experience when they fought. However, he noticed the meat had an extra flavor to it. When we gathered to discuss the paladin issue, the topic of wizards came up. When a wizard's magic energizes through him/her, it is believed that it does something to their body. Its a bit hard to explain the taste, however, upon feasting upon the victim, we all agreed that the taste is spellbinding to the mouth. I figured I'd share both negative & positive quirks about these two classes in order to bring attention to your next meal. Its amazing what a little class does to one's dinner. This is Emeril Leggosee Draco saying "I'm eating good tonight!" Enjoy!
#4 pigknight Jun 22, 2008 1:03:07	Bludgeoning weapons make dwarves tastier, I'm a paladin of the Raven Queen so don't pull anything or you'll have HORRIBLE heartburn FOREVER!
#5 tigervirgo Jun 22, 2008 2:23:27	BAM! Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco. Bugbears, orcs & hobgoblins. How do you prepare these nasty dirty humanoids before they get nasty with you? Oh yes, you all have eaten one of these beasts of burden to prove how strong you were at one time or another. How many of us lead an army of bugbears, orcs, & hobgoblins and had to prepare ourselves before devouring the weakest warrior? Trust me, I know what your going through. Many right now can recall that awful taste. The dirty, sweaty & sometimes moldy flavors our so called "allies" hold within themselves. But, I have some wonderful suggestions on how to make those flavors disappear. Orcs, you can't live with them and you can't stand the taste, right? Well, these piggish creatures have a secret. Tenderize & bleed. When you get one of those orcish brawls happening in your realm, take the bull by the horns and swat them against the wall or bash them with your tail "BAM"! Make sure the blood runs tho. If its only bruising, the blood will spoil the taste. Now I see many dragon chef's eyebrows arc with intrigue on this one. Yes, it is the blood that gives orcs that unpleasant taste. And, since the hide is tough, tenderizing helps the meat & flavor. Hobgoblins. When the gods created them, it was obvious they added pure ego to these gruesome beasts. How many of you had to really put your foot down, literally, on a few of these guys? Oh yea, I see the claws raising here. In my opinion, these creatures are the hardest to work with. However, you cannot argue with how they get things done. Not like those goblins that annoy us when we're trying to sleep. But when you're hungry, or need to show whose boss, you have to eat them. What I find best about making my hobgoblins tasty is offer the one's who are giving you grief a "second chance". I know, I hear the complaints already. "But E. L. Draco, thats a sign of weakness to them". Yes & no. I'll explain why in a minute. The "second chance" is a small mission to gather you some special ingredients. Suggest to the army to gather apples, peaches, or berries as a small gesture of good faith. Trust me, hobgoblins fall for this one allot and think they have you scared. What they don't realize is, when they offer you these fruits as a sign of "friendship", they're actually giving you the flavors you need to eat them with. The taste with the fruit negates the unnatural flavors of the beasts and you successfully prove who is the true boss. However, you don't want to use this tactic too often around the hobgoblin troops, or they'll catch on. So you might have to perform this tactic with only the one hobgoblin in the room. When the hobgoblin isn't seen or heard from again, the rest soon get the picture. I've saved the worst tasting humanoid for the last. Yes, the dreaded bugbears. I see many heads nodding here. These creatures have no sense of genuine hygiene or desire to make themselves truly presentable. Once again, regarding their work habits, you can't argue with success. But when you need to show them that your bite is worse than your bark, you really need to prepare yourselves for devouring these bad boys. These beasts are simple. Get them drunk. Make an excuse to have them celebrate, or take your time proving your point as they get themselves intoxicated. It is because of the ale, wine or mead that flavors these hardy creatures. And, for some reason, the alcohol sweats itself through the skin and adds a nice spicy kick to them. I hope I had offered some excellent ways to have your orc & eat them too. Until next time, this is Emeril Leggosee Draco saying "I'm eating good tonight!" Enjoy!
#6 tigervirgo Jun 22, 2008 2:26:21	Bludgeoning weapons make dwarves tastier, I'm a paladin of the Raven Queen so don't pull anything or you'll have HORRIBLE heartburn FOREVER! Sounds like someone would like to invite himself over for dinner sometime! ;) -Emeril Leggosee Draco
#7 tigervirgo Jun 22, 2008 3:03:47	BAM! Welcome to "Cooking with Emeril Leggosee Draco", I'm your black dragon host; Emeril Leggosee Draco. Today, we'll talk & show you how to gut those gnomes without spoiling your own gut. As you can see, we have our own very special & frightened guest; a male gnome. I actually found this lucky specimen in my garden. Go figure. As we all know, gnomes have a heart. And, it is this heart that we have a problem with. It was discovered by the United Dragon Society of Gnomenology that it is truly the heart that leaves that bad taste in our mouths. Professor P. J. Greknorian, a wise black dragon I might add, had discovered that a gnome's heart has a second layer around it. Due to the realms in which these gnomes live & the gems they mine or cut, it is believed that, through evolution, the heart had developed a second layer of muscle to help pump the thick blood in their body. This amazing study also found, once the heart is removed, the bitter & gut wrenching taste vanishes. Oh, look at our caged friend here. He wet himself. What an added bonus in flavor. Now, we take our little friend out of his cage. Oooh, he's a little fighter this one. Hold him aggressively in our claws. Darn, this little guy won't hold still. Sometimes, in cases like this, you need to flick these gnomes in the head. This will make them unconscious and easier to prepare. Like this. "BAM." Awe, our little friend is out like a light. Now, with your claw, aim for the heart and there you have it. You're ready for dinner. Gnome appetite! Until next time, this is Emeril Leggosee Draco saying "I'm eating good tonight!" Enjoy!