So, after 26 years of believing I would die at the same age as my Father did (26)... well, I'm truly at a loss for what to do.
Now don't get me wrong, I'm not disappointed that I'm not dead, it's just like waking up one day to find out you didn't really have cancer and you won't be dying after all.
It feels like my world is a lie and I'm waking up from limbo for the first time. My whole life I've excepted the 'fact' that I would live hard and die young, just like my old man... but it didn't happen.
I've been at deaths door quite a few times in my life. My first time was at 2 years old, I was bitten by an Alaskan Husky that used my face as a chew toy. I've been shot, stabbed, impaled on a rod-iron fence... in a war with rockets fired at me and IED's going off while I'm driving... also been in more then my share of car accidents and extremely dangerous situations.
Through it all, I was never afraid to die, hell, most of the time I was being shot at I went into a rage. I had excepted that my time would come and I would do the best I could until it came.
I didn't expect to become disabled, however, and since I was injured in the line of duty I've suffered through pain everyday, night and in between. I was lucky, in that I didn't lose an arm or leg... I ruined my back and damaged the nerves that run down my legs.
It isn't something that can be seen, but it is felt constantly and not even that pills make it go away completely.
I was told in training that 'pain is weakness leaving the body'... I still believe that to be true, through sleepless nights and agonizing days. It tempers the Will or it breaks you. Life is a constant battle, some grow and others die. This was easy to understand when I knew what was ahead for me.
But now I feel nothing is certain. I'm alive today and never considered I would be...
Part of me is happy, I have 3 wonderful boys and a loving wife. A great family and I truly have everything I need in life.
Aside from that, I'm lost... I find myself on an open road with no map or sense of direction. I suppose I've just come to realize that I might have a long, long life ahead of me and I don't know what to do with it.
It's a new road, but not unwelcome. I suppose I can limp in any direction I choose... and that is my problem.
I've lived (and prepared myself to die) recklessly and with purpose for as long as I can remember, but now I have a freedom that I've never felt before. Am I alone in feeling this way?
Have any of you fine, fine people ever looked at your lives in such a manner? More importantly, did you get over any sense of directionlessness and if so how?
Thanks you for your time.
Or I know the direction I want to go, but getting there seems impossible.
Really... I guess the big thing that drags me out to accomplish things is having kids. I'm sure you feel the same way. I'm not sure if I would even try without them.
I guess I just see them as my purpose now.
You're relatively young, you live in the United States, and you seem to have experienced military combat; can I assume you're an American veteran of the Iraq (or possibly Afghan) War? If you served successfully as a soldier, obviously you understand how important it is to work as an effective member of the system you're a part of, rather than simply doing your own thing. You've also personally had the experience of risking your life to defend fundamental ideas of freedom and democracy, so for better or worse, you've got an obvious personal stake in those concepts.
If you're asking for a suggestion of something to devote your life to, (other than your kids, of course), I'll offer this: you can do even more to maintain freedom and democracy with books than you can with a rifle. What I mean is that you can do a heck of a lot to defend those ideas by teaching people what those ideas mean and why they are so important. By learning as much as you can about democratic values, you'll be ready to teach others how to defend those values every day of their lives, in the place that those values are most vulnerable: at home, in mundane day-to-day life.
And if that sounds pretty complicated, don't worry, because there's a really simple way to get yourself started: Teach kids to read, and to enjoy reading. Honest to God, there has never been a stronger weapon against oppression and tyranny than literacy, and anything you can do to spread literacy effectively is another victory for everyone's fundamental freedoms. You can start at home, with yourself and your own kids; read daily, and teach them to read daily. If you need to expand, try finding some underprivileged kids to read to, because they're the most likely not to learn how to read properly in school. Since you live in SoCal, there's probably plenty of disadvantaged kids not so far from you; maybe someday you and your kids can all help some children learn to read. And finally, even if reading directly to other people's kids isn't your thing, you could still do a lot for the cause by collecting books for public school libraries (which are usually underfunded), and by encouraging other adults to teach others to read.
Spreading literacy is the best thing a person can do for democracy. After all, a nation is only as good as the values of its citizens, so what could be better for those values than teaching those citizens to appreciate them for themselves?
[/soapbox]
For many people, the hardest lesseon they ever learn is that they will die, and to live acordingly. You claim you've known that lesson all your life. Great. Don't forget it now, just live your life like you always have. Any extra years you live are just that, extra years. Enjoy them.
The hardest lesson I've ever learned was a diamond to the crotch.
At any rate, reading your story, I can only recall one certain quote: It is only whilst facing death that we learn the value of life. You, sir, would be likely to have learned it by now.
If not, well, at least you've reached the age of 27. Now to go for the age of 28 and outlive Jimi Hendrix.
Have any of you fine, fine people ever looked at your lives in such a manner? More importantly, did you get over any sense of directionlessness and if so how?
Thanks you for your time.
Funny that you mention this right now. Today was my last day at high school (which also means I'm slightly intoxicated), and your post sums up my feelings right now perfectly (near-death situations notwithstanding). The routine of "get up-go to school-show the teachers what an arrogant jackass you can be-hang out with friends-get back home" has been my life for the past eight years (I'm 18, so that's a lot). I didn't always like it - most of the time, I didn't - but it was great because you could get home with the feeling that you had done your due, and started gaming. Sure, life was empty, but you didn't feel it, it was fun, you felt like you were doing something meaningful while really not sacrificing anything...
... and now I'm left standing there. I'm decent at school, so it isn't for a lack of perspective. Quite the opposite. I feel there is so much I can do, so much I should do, so many people to satisfy that I really can't get myself to begin - not least because I don't know where.
Anyways, I guess that's not really helpful to you, but then, I can't be since I haven't found the answer to this directionless myself. I'll let you know it should I ever find it, though.
Oh, and I completely omitted your first sentence. Happy Birthday! May you find something to fill your hopefully long life.
In essence, I feel like I haven't really lived yet, but prepared to live. This seems to be the opposite of what you are talking about, so I suppose it isn't exactly what you were looking for.
I see it a lot, many people older then myself still have yet to feel like they have 'done' something significant with their lives. Most people are blown away to hear that I was in college by 16, had two jobs at the time and had been 'doing' for 3 years before I joined the Army.
I was a Soldier, father former Fire Fighter, fast-food/gas station clerk/heavy machine operator and 3rd year college student by age 18.
I've saved lives, taken them and served my country since I was barely a man, all with the understanding that I was running out of time.
Now, being broken, a husband and father of 3, I can't help but think that I will never live up to my own expectations of what I should be capable of...
I do live for my kids now... but is it truly enough?
I do live for my kids now... but is it truly enough?
Yes.
Yes.
+1. And don't forget your wife.
One day though, I don't even know why, I snapped. I just gave up on everything. Life wasn't worth living anymore. I tried to end my life with pills and ended up in the hospital, emerge. I barely survived that too. After that I was forced into a council sessions once every three days a week, and under 24/7 nursing care. I was even considered for Loonie House.
Well, after that I met my nurse, and I won't fill you in on all the mushy details, but she changed my life. I realized that life was worth living, if only for the journey you have, a chance to do good for the less fortunate and help others. Doing good in the world, it gave me motivation, to go out and do things. Currently I'm engaged to that pretty little nurse and enjoying life to the fullest.
And, if any you were wondering: I can walk again. Though I do need a cane to do it with.
If it helps, I was involved in an accident when I was seventeen, and I was told that I would never walk again. Not even physiotherapy would help. I fell into a really nasty depression. I cursed everything and anyone, I drank myself into stupors which three quarters of them I have no memory of. I'd go to bars, in a wheelchair, and pick fights. Yeah, comedy value of that image aside, it was pretty nasty.
One day though, I don't even know why, I snapped. I just gave up on everything. Life wasn't worth living anymore. I tried to end my life with pills and ended up in the hospital, emerge. I barely survived that too. After that I was forced into a council sessions once every three days a week, and under 24/7 nursing care. I was even considered for Loonie House.
Well, after that I met my nurse, and I won't fill you in on all the mushy details, but she changed my life. I realized that life was worth living, if only for the journey you have, a chance to do good for the less fortunate and help others. Doing good in the world, it gave me motivation, to go out and do things. Currently I'm engaged to that pretty little nurse and enjoying life to the fullest.
And, if any you were wondering: I can walk again. Though I do need a cane to do it with.
1: *Rolls into bar* *Others run in fear*
2: Nurse *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*
3: Are you Greggory House? :D
Living for yourself is never a bad idea either. You can live both for your family and for yourself, and I daresay you've already lived for others more than enough already.
Thanks serviceman!
Take care of your family for sure, but don't forget to live for what you like, or you will die disappointed and unfulfilled.
It appears you've never actually had any goals seeing as you expected death at so young an age. Now's the time for you to really begin living. Craft goals. When you were a child did you always think it would be cool to race cars or teach philosophy or something?
Even if you never do these things, you can certainly look into them and give it a go.
Decide on something crazy and go for it. Stop getting ready to die and start living already!