LOS ANGELES - A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.
The study, an 18-month battery of intelligence tests administered to over 3,500 babies, concluded categorically that babies are "so stupid, it's not even funny."
According to Institute president Molly Bentley, in an effort to determine infant survival instincts when attacked, the babies were prodded in an aggressive manner with a broken broom handle. Over 90 percent of them, when poked, failed to make even rudimentary attempts to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent responded by vacating their bowels.
It is unlikely that the presence of the babies' fecal matter, however foul-smelling, would have a measurable defensive effect against an attacker in a real-world situation," Bentley said.
Another test, in which the infants were placed on a mound of dirt outdoors during a torrential downpour, produced similarly bleak results.
"The chicken, dog and even worm babies that we submitted to the test as a control group all had enough sense to come in from the rain or, at least, seek shelter under a leafy clump of vegetation or outcropping of rock," test supervisor Thomas Howell said. "The human babies, on the other hand, could not grasp even this incredibly basic concept, instead merely lying on the ground and making gurgling noises."
According to Howell, almost 60 percent of the infants tested in this manner eventually drowned.
Some of the babies tested were actually so stupid that they choked to death on pieces of Micronaut space toys. Others, unable to use such primitive instruments as can openers and spoons due to insufficient motor skills, simply starved to death, despite being surrounded by cabinets full of nutritious, life-giving Gerber-brand baby-food products.
Babies, the study concluded, are also too stupid to do the following: avoid getting their heads trapped in automatic car windows; use ice to alleviate the pain of burn injuries resulting from touching an open flame; master the skills required for scuba diving; and use a safety ladder to reach a window to escape from a room filled with cyanide gas.
"As a mother of four, I find these results very disheartening," Bentley told reporters. "I can honestly say that the effort I have expended trying to raise my children into intelligent beings may have been entirely wasted, a fool's dream, if you will."
Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring," Clinton said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever."
I mean look how stupid teenagers are. And they've had schooling and time to learn things.
Nice joke study though.
Human beings are not functional at all until around age 10 or so.
I mean, other animals can even swim by the time they are a day or two old. Human babies just leak liquids all the time from every orifice.
I don't get along well with babies. Which is to say,
"No, I don't want to see your baby, proud mother and father. I do not enjoy touching your barely formed offspring and would prefer if you didn- OH GOD! WHY DID YOU GIVE ME THE BABY TO HOLD I JUST TOLD YOU I DIDN'T WAN-great, the little monster is crying now. Of course the little wrinkly thing is scared of me. I'd be scared of me too if my parents handed me off to a random strang-Wonderful. It's released its defensive measures now. Please take your baby back before either it or I vomit."
Was this an article in the Onion?
Maybe, seems like the kind of thing they would do
Was this an article in the Onion?
Maybe, seems like the kind of thing they would do
I thought so as well. The title alone screams Onion. ;)
Human beings are not functional at all until around age 10 or so.
You're giving them far too much credit. Try 30-40, maybe.
"Qaulity of Stabbings is down 50%" or
"Cat General Says War on String May Be Unwinnable"
This reminded me of a Rain Wilson interview on one of the late night talk shows and he's going on about his new kid, "He's such a disappointment. All he does is sit there, contributes nothing, never picks up the tab, etc. And forget talking to him. He has no tact whatsoever. Doesn't get metaphor or sarcasm, just, such a waste."
One thing we have figured out actually is the fear of falling is a learnt instinct. They have done tests (at my nearby university to boot) where a infant is placed on a pedestal, there is clear plastic table surrounding it (so the child wont fall) and the mother calls to the child. He will without hesitation walk off the pedestal toward the mother. So if not for the clear plastic he would fall.
They're still doing this experiment?!
Jealous.
Yeah, this sounds like an Onion article.
One from here.
I must confess I played a prank on you just there. I was hopin' to catch bane so I could call him a dolt, but that obviously didn't pan out. Here's a post o' mine from earlier in this very thread:
I thought so as well. The title alone screams Onion. ;)
:P Yeah, I'm an *******. I can't help it!
I must confess I played a prank on you just there. I was hopin' to catch bane so I could call him a dolt
Haha. I'm not going to fall for your tricks.
Haha. I'm not going to fall for your tricks.
You just did, pally. ;)
I did not try to spark another argument with Awesome_Dude
I just kind of looked at things and went "oh"
How can you call me a dolt for that? (and have a reasonable explanation for doing so?)
I must confess I played a prank on you just there. I was hopin' to catch bane so I could call him a dolt
You said that you intended to "catch me and call me a dolt"
And now you're claiming the exact opposite.
Ease up on the whisky a bit. :P
You said that you intended to "catch me and call me a dolt"
And now you're claiming the exact opposite.
Ease up on the whisky a bit. :P
Wow, you're pretty bad at this whole readin' comprehension thing, huh? I never called you a dolt. I said I wanted to. Then you bricked on your comprehension again so I did call you a dolt. Ye dolt.
emptying inbox....not reading PMs.....*begins whimpering* make a saving throw, make a saving throw, make a saving throw......
Gimme yer address. I'll mail ya a poster sized one.
Gimme yer address. I'll mail ya a poster sized one.
NO!!!!NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONONOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow babies are useless... but then we already knew that.
Human beings are not functional at all until around age 10 or so.
Nope, humans aren't functional until they can have an in depth conversation about microeconomics. For many this means never. ;)
Macroeconomics isn't good enough? Well, dash it all, then. That eliminates all but two people I know.
Macroeconomics will work too.
Nope, humans aren't functional until they can have an in depth conversation about microeconomics. For many this means never. ;)
Seriously? Junk pseudo-science is your measuring tool for this?
Seriously? Junk pseudo-science is your measuring tool for this?
I don't want to set the bar too high by saying an in depth discussion of nuclear physics or about the plausibility of extra dimensional spaces and beings and the such.
If you didn't, here's some more news that may shock you:
1) Babies smell bad.
2) Babies are sticky.
3) Babies won't shut up, and it's illegal to gag them.
And here's a few more reasons why they suck:
1) A baby will never let you back in the car if you lock yourself out.
2) A baby will puke on you when you least expect it.
3) A baby will get shoved into your care by someone you only tolerate a little cuz they just can't take it anymore.
Hey, kids get way cooler when they hit 4.
I've babysat for a friend of mine (now deceased) who had kids ranging from 1 to 12. I discovered that I don't care for kids of any age. When they're little, they want to share their unwanted bodily secretions with you. When they get a little older, they want to share every thought that crosses their minds. When they get even older still, they want to talk to you about things you don't care about, ad nauseum (if I have to listen to another kid talk about Pokemon I'm gonna slap someone). Then when they become teenagers, they want to share whatever is yours that you leave unattended.
Have you tried to teach him how to play D&D yet? Or at least create an interest in the game?
Well, he did try to eat our dice ...
He's not quite 2 yet, so he's a bit young. But he does have a large plush d20 that he plays with. :D
And they love pics of Dragons and Demons. I have potential gamers! Just give 'em a few years......:D
That's a good start. My nieces loved rolling my d10's when they were 2. Now Lilly loves the D8's, and Laurel loves the D20.
And they love pics of Dragons and Demons. I have potential gamers! Just give 'em a few years......:D
My friend's kids drew all over my d20 modern crb (wihtin the first week I had it) while we went out to buy them dinner. Another reason I despise children "no respect for other people's things".
P.S.: We didn't leave them alone. His wife was there and supposed to be watching them.
But I've always been understanding like that, even before I had my own. I mean, why waste the anger on those who don't deserve it? Just a waste of energy.
My friend's kids drew all over my d20 modern crb (wihtin the first week I had it) while we went out to buy them dinner. Another reason I despise children "no respect for other people's things".
P.S.: We didn't leave them alone. His wife was there and supposed to be watching them.
Sounds like those kids weren't taught to respect the possessions of others. My nieces always ask before looking through my stuff. Except for that one time that they tried to learn how to play on their own.
That's not really a reason for despising children. They haven't learned yet. People don't pop out with that kind of understanding (and some never learn). Now, being upset with his wife, sure.
But I've always been understanding like that, even before I had my own. I mean, why waste the anger on those who don't deserve it? Just a waste of energy.
It's not really anger. I mean it sure was back then, but not now. Now it's just another thing on the list that makes children unimpressive to me.
In the end, I suppose it's a good thing I've decided to never have children. The very last thing the world needs right now is another me running around. -shudders-
And using words like "despise" kind of leads to an intense image. Just for future reference. From someone who rants a lot but doesn't really hate anyone. :D
I don't want to set the bar too high by saying an in depth discussion of nuclear physics or about the plausibility of extra dimensional spaces and beings andthesuch.
Those topics sound easier than microeconomics to me (I actually don't know what that word even means...).
Personally, my measuring stick is a person who has mastered basic speling, punctuation; and the ability to form complete sentence. I've even met a few who have!
:P
I was decently impressed by that.
During gaming she'll happily roll damage for people, and loves looking through the monster manual. She can now identify tieflings on sight, and has the general idea for demons and monsters. She's known vampires for a long time thanks to watching plenty of Buffy (one of her first good sentences was "Buffy kills vampires."). She's two and a half, and isn't scared of "monsters" under her bed, she's scared of zombies down the hallway.
Kids are awesome, but I can understand why some people don't share that sentiment. My two month old son is happy and smiles up at me all the time, but he also poops a lot. Like, seriously lots. Thankfully neither of them have done much vomiting.
My daughter is generally awesome, but she has her moments... mornings have been rough lately, as she has been waking up and crawling all over us/talking to us/etc. while we're trying to get more sleep.
During gaming she'll happily roll damage for people, and loves looking through the monster manual. She can now identify tieflings on sight, and has the general idea for demons and monsters. She's known vampires for a long time thanks to watching plenty of Buffy (one of her first good sentences was "Buffy kills vampires."). She's two and a half, and isn't scared of "monsters" under her bed, she's scared of zombies down the hallway.
Sweet. Give her a
for me. (I know, she isn't supposed to accept candy from foreigners, but it's for a good cause. Honestly.)Here's a picture that gets me every time, also by The Onion.
I love taking Onion articles and sending them to other people who sometimes don't realize that the article is a joke until half-way through reading it. If at all.
May 21st, 1997
LOS ANGELES - A surprising new study released Monday by UCLA's Institute For Child Development revealed that human babies, long thought by psychologists to be highly inquisitive and adaptable, are actually extraordinarily stupid.
Study results also prompted a strong reaction from President Clinton. "All of us, on some primitive, mammalian level, feel a great sense of pride in our offspring," Clinton said. "It is now clear, however, that these feelings are unfounded. Given the overwhelming evidence of their profound stupidity, we have no choice but to replace our existing infant population with artificially incubated simu-drones, with the eventual goal of phasing out the shamefully stupid human baby forever."
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosy responds - "In light of these new finding, I have introduced a piece of legislation which will place a temporary ban on new pregnancies. Furthermore all current pregnancies with will not come to term before August 31, 2009 will be required to be terminated. This legislation is designed with the protection and well-being of the future generations of children. These measures will stand until such time as science can ensure, by measure of genetic manipulation, that future children will be born with the capacity to be self-sufficient."
When President Obammma was asked what he thought Pelosy's new bill, he responded. "We have been arrogant to think that we can make better babies than our animal friends."