Bah.
Now, remember, my methods on dealing with problems may not be the best, since all I do is run and hide from them.
That's a perfectly normal feeling to have. We always think about what more we could have done when things finally come to an end. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. If anything, use this as a learning experience and make it a point to see those you care for more often.
Dealing with death can be difficult. I've found that when death finds a family member or a friend that was suffering, it helps to think of them being in a better place. You don't have to look to religion for this, either. It helps, but religion isn't everyone's cup o' tea. When someone that's dear to us who's suffered for a long time finally leaves us, they also leave behind that suffering. To me, that's really a good thing.
It's better to remember good things and truly celebrate the life of the person that left us, too. A funeral is a time to reflect on what that person meant to us and how they touched our lives. We'll be sad, sure. But there will also be moments of laughter and true joy when we remember certain times with them. The emotional rollercoaster this puts us on is also normal. Remember that it's ok to be happy at times during this process. If you think about it, there really isn't anyone that we cared for who also cared for us that would like to see us in pain and tears after they leave. So there's no need at all to feel bad about smiling when we remember the good times.
I hope you'll forgive this kind of long-winded post. The year 2008 saw me lose my step-grandmother (which means my grandfather buried his second wife), my fiancee's grandfather and a dear friend of mine for nearly 18 years. I'll admit to being a bit choked up as I type this. Three losses sort of took a bit of a toll, I think. I'm not quite sure how much yet, either. Grief can be a long process. Talk when you feel the need. Keep quiet when you'd like to hold your thoughts to yourself. Remember the person for all of the good they did for you and others. Don't beat yourself up about not seeing them enough. Their passing demonstrates how short our time here truly is and it cannot be expected of anyone to be constantly around. Learn from any "mistakes" you think you made but don't beat yourself up. There's nothing to be done for those that have left but to remember them. Take the lessons you learn during this process and share them with others you care for. In doing this, you will further honor the person that's gone. Hope this all helped.
OT
I'm doing this thing where I rate threads that I post in on the off-topic tavern, so I was wondering if it was OK with you, midnitepoison, if I rated this thread (seeing as what the topic is).
I was just out of high school when she died. I loved her dearly but I remember feeling as if a burden had been lifted off of my shoulders. I was also never one to readily say "I love you". I felt really guilty about this.
Not too long after she died, I had a dream that I was talking to my mom. I don't remember exactly what we said to each other but right before I woke up, I remember mom telling me: "I know you love me." I honestly believe that I saw my mom's spirit that night. I took away that which I needed the most; it was more than a simple dream. I think this was her way of helping me to let go.
Your grandmother knows you love her
.What they said. Also I think ZB should get the most thanks, cuz he wrote the most.
Well, I had a couple of interesting years in this department. Kind of made me think. About death, family, my advancing life and how I deal with this stuff. I'm not going to get into anything that doesn't relate to some form of help for our new friend here, though.
It does suck to feel like we didn't see those that meant so much to us enough before they're gone. With that in mind, I present the following. I've not mentioned it to any but those closest to me. Even with that, not one family member knows this story.
My grandmother considered me her favorite grandchild. She would even openly say it in front of my brother. Good times. Well, as she neared her end, I was firmly established in my area's rave culture. I missed family events. She'd come over for Sunday dinners. I missed those in bed. Sometimes, I'd arrive disheveled at 9 or 10 in the morning and wearily trudge to my bedroom walking past my parents. And her. She saw the absolute worst of me. And it didn't matter. The day she died was also a day that I had planned to go to a huge party in Buffalo with my friends. That evening found me in a car on the way up. I partied all night long. I have never forgiven myself for this. And I never will.
Missing time with loved ones makes us feel pretty bad. Hopefully, my behavior can remove some of that guilt for some of you that have it. There are worse things we can do, after all.
this is her, in her somewhat better days.
Anyways, she looks happy in the picture. Was she always like that?
Just sit around and talk all night about what you loved the best about her, remember her fondly, shed your tears and comfort your family. A death can be tough to take, but it's easier if you are gathered with those who feel the same.
Please be well and know that you spent all the time with her you needed to make fond memories. It's better to remember what you can rather than dwell on what you can't.
I'm so sorry for you. My mother died suddenly, but my father died of cancer. I really didn't want to see him at the hospital. He was so doped up on morphine, I rationalized, that he wouldn't even have recognized me. In reality, I didn't want to see this man who had been so strong in my life as a delicate, helpless shell lying in bed and unable to move. My husband talked me into going, however, and I'm glad we did. We went every day. It gave me a chance to say thanks and good-bye. When he finally "went on ahead of us", as we say, I broke down and had myself a good cry. Afterwards, my brothers and I sorted through his worldly possessions and dispersed them amongst ourselves, giving the rest to charity.
My grandmother died of cancer. She was given 6 months... she lived 2 more years. 2 more years in so much pain. She was just so miserable. My parents were always after me to go see her. The thing I remember most was yelling back at them crying about how I didn't want to see her like that, I didn't want to remember her like that.
It sucks. I did see her. Several times more before she passed away. I always felt. Off to the side. She was so scared, and she hurt so much, and there was nothing I could do.
I don't think I had even thought about it in a long time. Its been probably 10 years now, but thinking about it now. Its hard to type. Its hard to see what I'm typing.
I don't know what else to say I guess.
-Spend as much time as you can now w/ her now before the inevitable.
I found my mantra around '96 to be "Nothing is more expensive than regret". Why? (forgive me for the drama here, but it's relevant) Largely due to the fact my best friend and I hung out one night around OSU as per normal, he dropped me off at campus despite my protests to crash at his place (still guilt-ridden over not pushing that end harder [he would've lived]). He returned home (south High St.), got carjacked by 3 minors no less, robbed, driven to some remote spot & shot in the head point blank
I know this cuz' I faded his hair w/ clippers the day prior (poor college kids, no $ for barber), hence me seeing the powder burns on the scalp (no hair there; clippers) when we saw him @ University Hospital in Intensive Care (on life support so they could harvest organs [young, healthy co-ed]).
What I learned: initially, friends and professors turn on you prematurely
in their ignorance real fast when you're "the last known person to be in contact w/ the deceased" (chain of evidence, Columbus PD 
). However, the important thing was that it was instantaneous and I could've made more time for my boy beforehand and all vs. typical family deaths which are often prolonged and drawn out.
ie)You can see the end coming so you have advance notice as it were to hurry up and spend quality time with the bereaved before they pass away.
I didn't get that luxury, but such is the nature of murder.
You have a window of opportunity. Do not pi$$ this away (see her often before).
It may make you feel uncomfortable and weird, but it's not for you, it's for your relative & their closure/peace of mind. In much the same way that the visitation/viewing is for them, the funeral is for you (family).
For what it's worth, find solace in the fact(s):
-You can "catch up with her" later too when it's your turn, if you subscribe to that existential notion and/or belief. You'll have all the time in the world then, but for now, you have to capitalize on the present. Death is, IMO, a transition, not an end per se.
-She undoubtedly loves you despite what may/may not be said. Don't forget.
-Physical pain is only temporary, so this need not be a very sad time for her (despite the very real emotional pain you feel). Her passing is also her not having to deal w/ the pain of her affliction anymore, so, there is some mercy and compassion even in that end.
I don't know what else to say, save for I'm sorry. You should be having this discussion w/ family & friends close to her as we aren't of relation and therefor potentially less helpful. Go to the source as it were.
http://mentalhealth.samhsa.gov/publications/allpubs/Ken-01-0104/default.asp
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
....she died yesterday.....
How are you taking it?
ok...i guess, although its new. i bet it will really really hit me tomorrow
If you are the type of person that has feelings (most people are) then it will likely hit you hard if it hasn't already. It will also likely hit when you least expect it. At that point you should probably just morn and not worry about being embarrassed by who you're crying in front of.
My condolensces. I agree with dirtyfrank. When it hits you, go with it. Nobody has the right to tell you not to.....she died yesterday.....
I'm sorry, perhaps I should've posted more promptly though I do not think I'm really in a position to help you so much as your family (those closer to her).
Consider, for what it's worth: she is in a better place than you are now. She gets to catch up w/ her own friends and family that went before her and it's not like you won't see her again. Plus, pain has passed.
You have to give her that concession as some things in this lifetime are not easilly, if at all, endured. You can only keep a brave face on things for so long.
Everything else Frank and the rest advise is sound. You gotta' go through the Bereavement Process in it's due course. Failure to process all that emotional trauma now, often turns into emotional trauma of an entirely different kind later. And that's the long term kind that will likely effect your own family & friends later. Not good. Just bite the bullet now, reminesce about the good times in the past, don't dwell on the bad.