(and to those who need to rest their Report Buttons-LOL) ,
...I offer humor.
Enjoy!
A dwarf and an elf step into a restaurant and sit at the table. The waitress asks if she could take their order. The Dwarf says, "I'll take a 24oz steak. Rare. With a bottle of Dragonfire."
The Waitress responds, "And what about the vegetable?"
The Dwarf looks at the elf and growls, "He'll take the steak too!"
Give more... please! I beg of you! My Jester career needs it!- LOL
He picks it out, then pushes the ale aside and orders another one.
Later on, the fly lands in the human's cup.
He picks it out, and keeps drinking.
Finally, the fly lands in the dwarf's ale.
He grabs the fly and starts shaking it, screaming, "Spit it out, ye thievin' basterd, spit it out!"
A high elf, a wild elf, and a dark elf are walking along a beach when they stumble upon a mysterious lamp. The dark elf begins to polish it with a cloth, when, lo and behold, a djinni pops out!
"I HAVE THE POWER TO GRANT THREE WISHES!" The djinni declares.
The three elves decide that it would be most fair if each of them got one wish.
So, the wild elf says to the genie "I wish that all my people were moved further into the forests, where none of the other races can find them, so they can be safe and happy forever more."
"GRANTED!" The djinni thunders, and the wild elf disappears in a puff of smoke.
The dark elf thinks for a moment, then says "Wow, that was a really good wish. Okay, I wish for dark elf society to no longer be ruled as a brutal matriarchy, and for all the dark elves who have left the underdark to be returned home so we can all be happy."
"GRANTED!" The djinni thunders, and the dark elf disappears in a puff of smoke.
The high elf remains silent for some time. "So..." He says. "You mean to tell me that all the wild elves and all the dark elves are gone?"
"CORRECT!" The Djinni replies.
"Well then. I guess I'll take a potion of Cure Light Wounds." The high elf says with a shrug.
Ok, this one I totally stole from somewhere, can't remember where:
What do you if an orc attacks you with a crossbow?
Pick it up and shoot the orc!
^ LOL!! nice, racism is a helluva lot funnier in a fantasy context :p
Ok, this one I totally stole from somewhere, can't remember where:
What do you if an orc attacks you with a crossbow?
Pick it up and shoot the orc!
Tell that to the 3.5 and prior edition dwarves burning anvils outside of orc and half-orc homes.
Tell that to the 3.5 and prior edition dwarves burning anvils outside of orc and half-orc homes.
??
??
Dwarves used to have a bonus to attacking orcs - an intolerance or racism against orcs if you will.
The KKK have the same misguided notion concerning blacks for instance. The KKK burn crosses, often on the lawns of the aforementioned targets of their ire, so dwarves burn anvils on the lawns of Orc domiciles since they are a bunch of racists.
I don't endorse racism in anyway of course, in fact I'm ecstatic that it has been removed from the races in 4e.
A Goliath is seen leading a Halfling by the hand down a road and into a deep, dark wood. The Halfling tugs the Goliath's hand, looks up to him and says:
"Hey mister, I don't want to go in there. I'm scared."
The Goliath looks down to his travelling companion and responds:
"You're scared? I've got get out of here alone!"
Wizard 1: I just got back from my latest research experiment on the inter-relatedness of our land's races. I was attempting to explore the results of crossing a half-elf with a half-orc.
Wizard 2: Oh? And how did that turn out?
The rogue sees the first wizard reach up to gingerly touch a swollen, red cheek, exposing a thin beard and slightly pointed ears from behind his hood as he does.
Wizard 1: She said, "No."
A human, a dwarf, and a dark elf are walking along the beach when they stumble across an old oil lamp. As the dwarf is polishing the item, and appraising it's value, a djinni bursts forth from the lamp and promises each humanoid a wish, in exchange for freeing him.
The human dashes to the dwarf's side, snatching the lamp from his hands and waving it at the djinni.
"Me first! Me!", says the human, waving the lamp excitedly, an idiot grin on his face.
"I wish for a million.. no, a billion gold pieces, and a beautiful wife with 18 charisma!"
"IT IS DONE.", spoke the djinni, and caravan laden with gold suddenly rode across the beach, driven by a heartbreakingly beautiful blonde human woman, who swept the man up and carried him away to his happy new life. Dropping the lamp into the sand, the human waved goodbye to his companions.
The dwarf strode gruffly over to the lamp, and held it up.
"I'll go next", he said, "but instead 'o wishin' for some selfish boon like my companion the human, I'll wish 'fer something my people have been a'wanting for ages now.
I wish for a magic wall, surrounding the dwarven hillside kingdoms... somethin' t'keep out all the greedy humans, halflings, and elves what be covetin' our riches and our mines."
"IT IS DONE.", spoke the djinni, and in a flash the dwarf was gone, leaving only the lamp behind. A great rumble shook the land as somplace far away, a towering wall rose up over the dwarven hills.
Striding thoughtfully to the lamp, the dark elf plucked it up.
"YOUR WISH, ELF?"
"In a moment, noble djinn..." said the elven traveller, "...I was wondering if perhaps you could tell me more about this wall."
"OF COURSE.", replied the djinn.
"THE WALL IS TWO HUNDRED FEET HIGH, HIGHER THAN THE HILLS THEMSELVES, AND MADE OF ENCHANTED STONE. IT EXTENDS ALL THE WAY AROUND THE DWARVEN KINGDOM AND IS COMPLETELY IMPENETRABLE EVEN BY THE SMALLEST OF CREATURES. NOT A SINGLE GAP OR CRACK SHALL EVER MARR THE WALL, AND NOT EVEN AN ELEMENTAL OR AN OOZE COULD SQUEEZE THROUGH."
The dark elf nodded sagely, then made his wish.
"Alright", he said. "Fill it with water."
There's a Drow who's fallen upon hard times searching through a dump for some scrap of food to sustain him. Instead of a nice mutton leg, he finds an old lamp. He figures he's got nothing to lose, so he rubs the lamp figuring nothing's going to happen. On his third stroke, a massive rush of green smoke bearing the smell of a forest flows from the lamp. When the smoke clears, an Elven djinn stands before the Drow and says:
Oh great. Another one of you. I'm so sick and tired of being found by some pathetic Drow. I made Drizzt and Jarlaxle, you know. House Baenre? Yeah, them too. Well, I'm tired of helping you evil sick-os. I am, however, bound by my curse and must grant you three wishes. Be warned, foul Drow, that whatever wish I grant to thee will be granted doubly so for every goodly Elf in this Realm!
The Drow looks at the djinn and chuckles a little. He says:
Man, I don't care what you give them stinkin' Elves so long as I get mine!
Elven Djinn: Your first wish, then?
Drow: I wish for one million gold!
ED: Granted! When you wake in the morning, you will see one million gold piled in front of you. But know this, swine, every Elf in the Realm will wake to find two million gold.
D: Yeah, yeah. Like I said, man, I don't care as long as I get mine!
ED: Your second wish, fool?
D: Well, I need somewhere to wake up next to all that gold in, don't I? And a woman to keep me warm while I wait. So I wish for a huge castle with a beautiful woman to do my bidding!
ED: Granted, slob. When you wake, it will be in this castle next to this woman. Know, though, that every goodly Elf in the Realm will wake to two castles and two beautiful companions!
D: Whatever, man. I'm gettin' a castle! I'm rich! I don't care about what you give them!
ED: What say you as your final wish, foul beast? Know that all Elves in the Realm get double!
The Drow looks at the Elven Djinn with a wry smile and says the following:
I wish you'd beat me half to death.
So, the sea elf went to explore the sites of the city on the hot summer day. And he found, of all things, an ice cream parlor. He had never seen such a site before but decided that a big coneful of vanilla ice cream (this is a city in Krynn, not Baskin Robbins or Ben&Jerry's...) would be great on such a hot day. So, the sea elf got his ice cream and devoured it. Picture it now, a sea elf who does not quite understand the concept of eating ice cream on a hot day, slobbering over his food and getting covered in melting vanilla ice cream.
So, still covered with ice cream, he went back to the mechanic's shop an hour later.
'What seems to be the problem, mechanic?' he said.
The mechanic, stopped what he was doing an looked up at the sea elf. 'Looks like you have blown a seal,' he said
The sea elf immediately blushed and said, 'No, no. I was only eating ice cream.'
On his third stroke, a massive rush of green smoke bearing the smell of a forest flows from the lamp.
Three strokes makes it masturbation. ;)
Good stuff Z_B.
Three strokes makes it masturbation. ;)
Good stuff Z_B.
That's why it worked! :D
It's one of the most racist jokes I know. At least it's easily converted to target anyone, ya' know? The worst one I have would be a little much, I think. I'll just hint that the converted (to D&D) punch-line would say something about "Drow Eggs". Not good. Not good at all.
My sister got mad at me when I misheard her and introduced her to my lich friend. How was I supposed to know what she meant?
They were both spoiled rotten.
I always hire the local group of dwarven paladins to solve my problems.
They take care of any mess in short order.
Our party's rogue is a half-elf.
Of course, that wasn't until after the unfortunate swinging blade trap accident...
What do you call it when you find two adult red dragons in a room full of fire traps?
You call it the last time the fighter complains about low-experience encounters.
Initiate awkward chirping sounds!
Hey, did ya' know there's a steerin' wheel in yer pants, lad?
His reply?
Aye! It's drivin' me nuts!
What do you call it when you find two adult red dragons in a room full of fire traps?
You call it the last time the fighter complains about low-experience encounters.
Initiate awkward chirping sounds!
I'm doing that next game. :D
After three years of wandering, the adventurers now deep in the belly of the Underdark itself, the dwarf spots a strange chest in the corner of a long-forgotten chamber. Rummaging through the items inside, the dwarf produces an old lamp, clearly magical. The elf and the dwarf exchange an excited glance as the orc looks on, scratching his head.
After rubbing the lamp, a great djinni does of course appear, promising one wish to each of the lost adventurers. The dwarf speaks first, tasting the stout dwarven ales of his home town on his tongue alredy, imploring the djinni to take him home to his mountain kingdoms, so that he might finally share a drink with his doting wife and his esteemed clan-brothers again. With a nod from the djinni, the dwarf vanishes.
The elf, wiping tears of joy from his eyes, wishes that the djinni would return him to the beautiful sunlit forests of his homeland, eager to feel the warmth of the sun upon his skin, and to see his lovely daughters and siblings after three years in the dark and dangerous dungeon. With aother nod from the djinni, the elf disappears.
The orc gazes at the djinni, still slack-jawed and still scratching his head.
"What is your wish?" the djinni asks the orc.
"Uhh.." the orc replied. "...me lonely now... me wish me friends were back?"
An efreet merchant in the City of Brass looks through an inter-dimensional portal at the "Jester's Corner" thread in the Dungeon's and Dragon's forum and says, "Curses! So that's where my lost shipment of three hundred magic lamps went!"
To be fair, that was my favorite lamp joke I've heard.
A good start. (Or, alternately, "litter.")
Q: What do the 4e rules have in common with corn-flakes?
A: They're simple, flaky, and only taste good if you sugar-coat them.
Q: What's three thousand pages long and a great time for any real D&D player?
A: Ten 4e manuals and one 3e PHB.
Q: Why are 4e jokes so short?
A: So 4e players can remember them.
:P
An elf, a dwarf, and an orc are exploring Undermountain, the largest dungeon in the world, miles deep and miles wide, spaning an entire subterranian network. Eventually, the adventurers realize that they are lost, and cannot find their way back out. For weeks they search for the exit, any exit. Weeks become months and months become years.
How does a dwarf get lost underground?
How does a dwarf get lost underground?
Maybe the orc was leading the way.
Maybe the orc was leading the way.
Why would a dwarf and an elf let an orc lead?
Why would a dwarf and an elf let an orc lead?
It's probably a long story, that could be a joke itself. Maybe I'll make up something.
It's probably a long story, that could be a joke itself.
Then Rake better get typing.
The Halfling ducked.
:P ANYway...
Q: What's the difference between a wagon full of dead baby orcs and a wagon full of cannonballs?
A: You can't unload the wagon full of cannonballs with a pitchfork.
Q: How do you fit four elves on a barstool?
A: Turn it upside-down.
Q: What does a gnome with an erection get after he runs into a wall?
A: A broken nose.
One more for tonight:
Upon a wall in a famous dungeon is a piece of graffiti that reads, in dwarven script: "here I slew more orcs than I could count". Below it, in elven: "that means eleven".
Show
Stole that last one from the Undermountian module!
Man, I was hoping to get a little hate for that 4e bit. What, you guys have a sense of humor about yourselves now? What happened to the nerd rage? You've chaaaanged, maaan. You've all chaaaanged.
Tough crowd, mate. Unfortunately, we're all clowns here.
...tell you what, go to any other thread on this site and make a joke. Let's get a stopwatch and see how long it takes for five people to simultaneously jump down your throat.
....er, can't think of anything good right no-AAGHBADJOKEATTACKAAH!
A weary elf stumbling through a rainstorm in the wilderness came across a cave and went inside to seek shelter, but was surprised to find an ettin inside.
The ettin, seeing the look of terror on the elf's face, said, "Worry not, friend! Thog be outcast of ettin society. Veegerteran. Eat root and berry. Come. Sit by fire."
The elf quickly turned aside to consult a scroll of Detect Truth, and found that the ettin did not lie. Wet and tired from the storm, he decided to sit by the fire with the ettin, despite his misgivings. When he sat down, the ettin shouted out.
"Wait! Thog veegerteran, but that be Borg's side."
"I swear on Pelor's honor, I've done it myself - if you jump out that window over there, you'll fly three times around the building and land safely on the ground by the door! It's the powerful winds that blow around these high towers - they're strong enough to carry a fully-armored person..."
Everybody just laughs, but the paladin insists he's serious.
Several hours go by, as the half-orc gets deeper and deeper into his cups, and every so often the golden-haired paladin tells his story to a new group of admirers who've just come in. Every time he keeps insisting that the high winds blowing around the towers will catch a man jumping from the window and deposit him safely on the ground.
So the half-orc, who's very drunk by now, eventually wanders over to the paladin and says,"Hey, you, gold-hair, you tellin da truth? You can really fly juz by jumpin out dat window?"
"Sir," says the paladin,"I am a paladin of Pelor - I do not lie. I can indeed jump out the window, and fly three times around the building before I land safely by the door."
"Oh, yeah, little man? Lessee ya prove it."
And with a hearty laugh, the plate-armored paladin strides up to the window and dives out head first.
The stunned half-orc rushes to the window to see the tall blonde man indeed flying three loops around the tower before landing safely.
When the paladin comes back into the bar, the half-orc says,"Hey, little man, you say anybody can do dat? You said it sumptin bout da high winds cuz o' da towers?"
"I did indeed, my good green friend - you should try it yourself."
The half-orc isn't too sure, since he doesn't really like heights, but after a few more encouraging words from the golden-haired paladin he finds himself perched on the window ledge.
The half-orc spreads his arms like a bird as he prepares to soar, and leaps out into the air. Only to plummet sixteen stories onto the street outside.
As the paladin chuckles softly to himself and walks back to the bar, the bartender grumbles, "Y'know, Kellar, for an Aasimar, you're a real
..."B..but.. aasimar don't fly.
It's a recycled Superman joke.
The guy's an Aasimar paladin.
(sigh)
Just laugh anyway.
I'm going to try and limit myself to one a day. Here goes:
A shadar-kai and a halfling bard were walking down a road together when they came across a horse that had been whipped to death and left by the side of the road. The halfling was greatly moved by this sight and stopped to write a tragic poem, but the shadar-kai continued on, saying, "You do not call a dead horse a tragedy. It's simply its turn to be crushed by the will of fate."
Just then, a farmer's cart crashed down a steep hill, running over the shadar-kai before it came to a stop. The shadar-kai was badly injured and would have flown into a fit of rage at the farmer had the halfling not stopped him.
"Now, now. Don't be upset," said the halfling, "There isn't any tragedy here. It was simply your turn to be crushed by the wheel of fate."
Boo yah. That's the worst pun I've come up with yet. Bet I'll have a worse one tomorrow.
"I think my wife is cheating on me. All my kids have pointy ears!"
The elf replies: "I feel for you buddy. Mine have pointy ears as well."
"Do you have a good memory for faces?"
"Yes, why?"
"There's no mirror over the washbasin."
-------
The next morning the barman answers the door in his robes, the minstrel thinks,
"Funny place for a door."
"It's a poor living," replied the other, "But not as bad as my last job. I used to work with the vendors at the battle arena."
"Well, that doesn't sound so bad," said the first bladeling, "What was your job?"
The second bladeling grimaced sullenly in remembrance.
"The pretzel rack," he said.
He goes back into the bar, handily flips his hammer in the air, and catches it above his head without even looking. "Which one of you stole my horse?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one in the bar answered.
"Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I done in Saltmarsh! And I don't like to have to do what I done in Saltmarsh!"
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse is back! He saddles up and starts to ride out of town. The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, "Say buddy, before you go ... What happened in Saltmarsh?"
The Dwarf turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
Q1: What is the safest way to get the chest of gold at the far end of a room protected by explosive ruins?
A1: Cast dispel magic or erase from as far away as you possibly can.
Q2: What is the best way to get the chest of gold at the far end of a room protected by explosive ruins?
A2: Push the rogue into the room with his arms and hands bound , shut the door and wait 5 minutes.
Edit: I realize this doesn't make sense out of context of the conversation I was having and will now rectify that.
"All you have to do," said the bartender, "is drink a pint of whiskey, go into the back yard and extract a tooth from an alligator, and then go upstairs and satisfy a woman who has never been satisfied."
"No problem," said the Dwarf. He immediately drank the whiskey and went into the yard. Several minutes later, after considerable commotion, he reappeared in the bar and said, "Now, where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Just toss ten gold in that barrel yonder, walk over to that horse and make it laugh. I warn ye, though, that none have ever done it. Hence the large amount o' gold in the bucket.
Well, the 'Ling tosses in his gold, walks over to the horse and after a minute or so the damn thing begins to laugh hysterically. He walks back to the bar, takes the gold and walks out. After a few months of adventuring and hard partying, the Halfling finds his way back to the same bar. He instantly sees that the horse is still there and that there's a new bucket full of gold. He asks the barkeep if it's the same game and is told:
For you? Hell no. Now the game is makin' that horse cry. Go ahead and give it a shot. As you can see, it ain't been done as of yet.
So our li'l buddy walks over to the horse and, after a minute the horse can be heard bawling loudly. He walks back to the bar, picks up the bucket and begins to leave. This time, though, the bartender stops him before he walks out of the bar and asks:
H ... how in the nine did you do that? How did you make that ol' boy laugh and then cry?
He responds:
Well, the first time, I told him my dong was bigger than his.
The barkeep replies:
Alright, I can see that makin' 'im laugh. Hell, it nearly got me goin'. So what'd ya do to make 'im cry?
The 'Ling smiles widely and states:
The second time, I showed him.
:heehee What lightbulb? <_< >_> I don't see no lightbulb!
Elves?
Three. It's manual labor!
Orcs?
More than they can count. (i.e. 2)
Gnomes?
Only one, but it takes 'em six days to develop a mechanical device to do it for him.
Wizards?
See elves.
Clerics?
Just one, but he has to cast a ritual for it to come back on.
Barbarians?
"GRAAAAAH! TINY LIGHT PEAR MOCKS KROG WITH ITS REFUSAL TO EMIT LUMINESCENCE! KROG SMASH!"
The mercenaries finished their drinks and set off to mountains. They wandered for a while when eventually they have reached a cliff of sorts, that meant a dead end. Suddenly orcs appeared on top of it, on each side and everywhere around them!
The mercenaries looked at each other. One of them said:
"Man, we're going to be filthy rich!"
"Orcs have pillaged my house, killed my wife and raped my dog! I offer 200gp for every orc head!"
Ts ts, those orcs with their -2 Cha beauty standards...
Two mercenaries are drinking in a bar. Suddenly, a wealthy local barges in and shouts: "Orcs have pillaged my house, killed my wife and raped my dog! I offer 200gp for every orc head!"
The mercenaries finished their drinks and set off to mountains. They wandered for a while when eventually they have reached a cliff of sorts, that meant a dead end. Suddenly orcs appeared on top of it, on each side and everywhere around them!
The mercenaries looked at each other. One of them said:
"Man, we're going to be filthy rich!"
What's the joke here? That the orcs are going to run off the cliff? That the mercenary is a moron because they're clearly outmatched? Or something else?
That the mercenary is a moron because they're clearly outmatched?
Yeah, I kinda killed the joke. That was supposed to be the point.
(originally it was two cowboys looking for Indians)
Yeah, I kinda killed the joke. That was supposed to be the point.
(originally it was two cowboys looking for Indians)
Probably D&D players are too used to two PCs being able to wipe out a horde of orcs for the humour of the joke to be apparent.
A group of D&D players are playing a game. A hack-and-slasher plays as an elf and a role-player is playing as a dwarf. The hack-and-slasher turns to his friend and says, "Hey, how many dwarves does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"
The role-player thinks about the question and says, "I don't know. What's a lightbulb?"
The hack-and-slasher realizes his mistake, sighs, and says, "Right...um....how many dwarves does it take to stick a...sunrod into a...really high wall slot..."
(This seemed funny to me at the time. Maybe I'm remembering this wrong. Whatever.)
Answer:
Two, but I don't know how the hell they got in there ... ;)
I think that's the first time I actually laughed out loud in this thread.I must admit that the lightbulb joke is probably my all-time fav. I heard it in middle school many, many moons ago. The original uses "flies" in place of "Pixies" and "****" in place of "hell" - you know, if you'd like to use it at a party and not sound all weird talkin' 'bout Pixies. :P
...you'd think one would have noticed it
A goup of adventurerers is sitting in a tavern planning out a raid on a stronghold overrun by ogres, its all going fairly well except that the party isn't really sure how to get recon on the ogres. The bartender overhears this and offers a bit of advice, "You know if you need help scouting out that old building, I could get a gully dwarf to help you." The party scoffs at this prospect, but the bartender assures them that his gully dwarf would be great at scouting, and reluctantly the party accepts his offer. When the party gets to the stronghold, the begin exploring until they reach a hallway and hear noises, figuring that the gully dwarf could be used as bait they send him first. After a bit the gully dwarf comes back and they ask him what he saw, and he replied "Big room, two ogres!" The party redies itself and heads down the hall, sure enough there is a big room with two ogres that the party dispatches with ease.
Figuring that they had a bit of good luck with the gully dwarf, the party decides to have him scout ahead some more. He comes back, and tells the party what he saw, "Big room, two ogres!" the party hesitates but they figure why not? They head down and, once again, two ogres in a big room. they kill the ogres and take a breather.
The party can't believe how well this is working, so they send off their tiny new friend once more, after a few minutes they become worried as he hasn't come back yet, but just a little bit later he came back and told the party what he saw, "Big room, two ogres!" The party is pretty sure they can take out another two ogre pretty easily, so they rush off into battle, as they push a door open, they realize this is a gigantic hall with well over fifty ogres. After a practical slaughter, the party wizard barely manages to escape; when he gets back to town hes goes up to the bartender and begins screaming at him, "That little runt lead us into a trap! He said there was only two ogres, but there were fifty!" "Well," the bartender replies, "anybody should know that a gully dwarf can't count higher than two."
:D
much.
What do you get when you cross Orcus with Tiamat and the Tarrasque?
You get removed from your position as DM.
(See that magnificent bit of mediocrity? All mine, baby)
Okay, here's one not recycled of a real world joke:
A goup of adventurerers is sitting in a tavern planning out a raid on a stronghold overrun by ogres, its all going fairly well except that the party isn't really sure how to get recon on the ogres. The bartender overhears this and offers a bit of advice, "You know if you need help scouting out that old building, I could get a gully dwarf to help you." The party scoffs at this prospect, but the bartender assures them that his gully dwarf would be great at scouting, and reluctantly the party accepts his offer. When the party gets to the stronghold, the begin exploring until they reach a hallway and hear noises, figuring that the gully dwarf could be used as bait they send him first. After a bit the gully dwarf comes back and they ask him what he saw, and he replied "Big room, two ogres!" The party redies itself and heads down the hall, sure enough there is a big room with two ogres that the party dispatches with ease.
Figuring that they had a bit of good luck with the gully dwarf, the party decides to have him scout ahead some more. He comes back, and tells the party what he saw, "Big room, two ogres!" the party hesitates but they figure why not? They head down and, once again, two ogres in a big room. they kill the ogres and take a breather.
The party can't believe how well this is working, so they send off their tiny new friend once more, after a few minutes they become worried as he hasn't come back yet, but just a little bit later he came back and told the party what he saw, "Big room, two ogres!" The party is pretty sure they can take out another two ogre pretty easily, so they rush off into battle, as they push a door open, they realize this is a gigantic hall with well over fifty ogres. After a practical slaughter, the party wizard barely manages to escape; when he gets back to town hes goes up to the bartender and begins screaming at him, "That little runt lead us into a trap! He said there was only two ogres, but there were fifty!" "Well," the bartender replies, "anybody should know that a gully dwarf can't count higher than two."
:D
Good effort, but the problem with this one is that anyone who's read Dragon Lance will see the punchline coming from a mile away, and everyone who hasn't will be left scratching their heads going "so what's a gully dwarf?"
Good effort, but the problem with this one is that anyone who's read Dragon Lance will see the punchline coming from a mile away, and everyone who hasn't will be left scratching their heads going "so what's a gully dwarf?"
So you mean, there's like... an actual race named Gully Dwarves that can only count to two?
Random absurd, possibly drunken ventures from the gaming table:
-Illithid hoody
-Cloaker Snuggiesâ
-Narraroot & it's opposite sex equivalent (Forgotten Realms CmpnStting3rd ed, swear to God)
-Privvy attacks
. A common occurence sadly now. Usually wetwork (heh) adventurer mission; engage mark in the privvy where they are understandably flat-footed, somewhat prone, and distracted (or pooing if you'd rather). Thus, easy to kill...Which leads to the next joke, a truism in game and IRL
-Statistically, the most common thing heard before imminent death, "Oh, sh-t!"
-Necromancy as charity work; helping the living-impaired and the environment ("100% post-consumer human" ala OotS)
-Some sick bastard did in fact make Bigby's Fisting Hand back in 2nd ed.
-And now, it is the symbol of Bane (FR)...
Tip your bartender, g'night
Let's see if I can still make this funny while placing it into D&D:
A Goliath is seen leading a Halfling by the hand down a road and into a deep, dark wood. The Halfling tugs the Goliath's hand, looks up to him and says:
"Hey mister, I don't want to go in there. I'm scared."
The Goliath looks down to his travelling companion and responds:
"You're scared? I've got get out of here alone!"
I never heard it in a fantasy context, but I love this one. You really have to hear the teller's voice for it to carry the same weight.
Except it was a clown and a little kid.
Another inappropriate one that didn't start off that way.
Sitting around, talking about Schindler's List, the Holocaust or something, and a friend made a remark/quip that got a chuckle from the group, think it was about Brook's "Hitler on Ice" in the theoretical "History of the World prt II".
Roomie's Jewish beau pipes up suddenly staring daggers at him, "Hey, that's not funny ass! My grandfather died @ Auswitz. It was a tragedy."
Needless to say, we all looked about in surprise, "Omg, sorry, uh..."
Then she hits us w/...
Show
It's no laughing matter. He fell out of a guard tower.
That's fantastic. I loves me some inappropriate humor. :P
Oh, here's a quickie.
What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?
Show
The wheelchairs.
Much obliged.
Oh, here's a quickie.
What's the hardest part about eating vegetables?ShowThe wheelchairs.
LAME JOKE
Q. When does a dragon not have any vowels?
A. When it's a wyrm!
SLIGHTLY LESS LAME JOKE
Q. What do you get if you cross a dire wolf with a fungus?
A. Mauled (get it - mold, mauled...eh, whatever)
wow, that's incredibly terrible.
I'm a growing boy, I gotta' eat.
Owls wrote his grievance on his dick and his lawyer said, "It will not stand up in court." ;)
I'm a growing boy, I gotta' eat.
Owls wrote his grievance on his dick and his lawyer said, "It will not stand up in court." ;)
Saying it's terrible doesn't mean I dont like it. I love plenty of things that I would describe as terrible. As in: it makes you a terrible person to like that.
Just trying to lighten the mood, keep pace w/ the OP.
A hungry half-orc and his dwarf companion are sitting in a tavern waiting for their stew. The half-orc's appetite has increased twofold since entering the building, while the dwarf has been eyeing the pretty young dwarf lasses serving drinks to the patrons.
Anyway, one of the lasses brings the casseroles to the companions. The half-orc has a habit of 'slanging' some of his words, and he says, "Man, I can't wait to tuck into that there 'ole!" The dwarf flies into a fury, yelling, "HOW DARE YE, YE PERVERTED FOOL! AVERT YER EYES - I SAW HER FIRST!"
So...yeah...
How do you make a goblin better?
Dunk him in chocolate.
How can you make a Beholder's largest eye cross-eyed?
A. A Mind Flayer Mind Flayer! :D
A. Spicy-cold cotton candy ROFLOL
I know I could do better, but my mind's on holiday, fishing in the Astral Sea...but all it keeps catching are white, twinkly-things...