I would post the full prologue, but I can't. 1) It's 4 pages long, double spaced. 2) There's no more sblocking, so I can't do that. But I'll post the first two paragraphs of the prologue, and if you want to read the full thing, PM me and I'll send it to you.
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Queen's Revenge (The Shards of Fate Trilogy, Book I)
Prologue
Black smoke poured through the cathedral's broken stained glass windows. Screams of terrified women and children echoed through alleyways encased in shadow. Soldiers marched through the streets in the town's defense, only to be cut down by the black horde that opposed them. No one knew they were there until it was too late. This was the fate of those who dared stand against the legions of Lolth.
* * *
Red fog curled around the obsidian throne, flowing like water. The dark elf seated upon it grinned wickedly as she stared into the scrying pool at her feet, an image of the town being massacred floating upon its black waters. She shot a glance to her right, to the balor standing faithfully at her side. "Come here, Fezzrin," she said seductively, scratching a long, curled nail along the demon's canine face. "Go. Go and cause chaos in my name. You know how much I enjoy their fear."
PrologueBlack smoke poured through the cathedral's broken stainedglass windows. Screams of terrified women and children echoed through alleyways encased in shadow. Soldiers marched through the streets in the town's defense, only to be cut down by the black horde that opposed them. No one knew they were there until it was too late. This was the fate of those who dared stand against the legions of Lolth.
* * *
Red fog curled around the obsidian throne, flowing like water. The dark elf seated upon it grinned wickedly as she stared into the scrying pool at her feet, an image of the town being massacred floating upon its black waters. She shot a glance to her right, to the balor standing faithfully at her side. "Come here, Fezzrin," she said seductively, scratching a long, curled nail along the demon's canine face. "Go. Go and cause chaos in my name. You know how much I enjoy their fear."
I can't say much - it's a short sample and English is not my native language. But I like your descriptive style: It creates images in the mind. Enough info to stimulate the imagination and few enough to let it grow and make one curious...
Some might call it R: A: Salvatore-ripoff, but so what?! His stuff is good, as long as he doesn't get to long-winded and emo about D. U. problems...
Just two little nitpicks (and I'm not sure about the first):
First: "broken stained glass windows" - stained and broken would sound a bit better in my native Language.
Second: "floating upon its black waters" - perhaps black surface (or liquid) would be better. You did use the word water in the sentence before and a scrying pool of (Lolth in the Abyss??) might be filled with something nastier...
But as I said: I like it and if you have a good storyline/plot I'd like to read more!
Aaaaaand Wizards now owns all rights to your book.
Perhaps you may wish to post in Once Upon a Time which is for stories.
One thing they do there is make one thread for discussion of a story and another thread for the story itself.
Then, you could put one page of your work in one post. So, any readers could keep track of pages similar to keeping track of book pages although with the new forums a particular post can't be reserved tostart from again. :-(
PrologueBlack smoke poured through the cathedral's broken stainedglass windows. Screams of terrified women and children echoed through alleyways encased in shadow. Soldiers marched through the streets in the town's defense, only to be cut down by the black horde that opposed them. No one knew they were there until it was too late. This was the fate of those who dared stand against the legions of Lolth.
* * *
Red fog curled around the obsidian throne, flowing like water. The dark elf seated upon it grinned wickedly as she stared into the scrying pool at her feet, an image of the town being massacred floating upon its black waters. She shot a glance to her right, to the balor standing faithfully at her side. "Come here, Fezzrin," she said seductively, scratching a long, curled nail along the demon's canine face. "Go. Go and cause chaos in my name. You know how much I enjoy their fear."
I can't say much - it's a short sample and English is not my native language. But I like your descriptive style: It creates images in the mind. Enough info to stimulate the imagination and few enough to let it grow and make one curious...
Some might call it R: A: Salvatore-ripoff, but so what?! His stuff is good, as long as he doesn't get to long-winded and emo about D. U. problems...
Just two little nitpicks (and I'm not sure about the first):
First: "broken stained glass windows" - stained and broken would sound a bit better in my native Language.
Second: "floating upon its black waters" - perhaps black surface (or liquid) would be better. You did use the word water in the sentence before and a scrying pool of (Lolth in the Abyss??) might be filled with something nastier...
But as I said: I like it and if you have a good storyline/plot I'd like to read more!
Her usage of "broken stained glass" is actually correct. Stained glass is an actual type of glass, also known as church glass. And scrying is usually water based when it uses liquids, since it requires a surface that is clean and reflects stuff. ;)
Also, Id, I'm interested. Shoot me a PM with the full thing if you can.
Aaaaaand Wizards now owns all rights to your book.
that's the point, PK. I was planning to write the whole thing in the FR setting anyways...which reminds me, I need a 4e copy of the FR campaign setting now!!! Blegh. Time to dish out $35 I don't have...(wiped my giftcard and some of my leftover birthday money at B&N, then spent the rest to register for PSATs.)
Nice little excerpt. Maybe I should stop being lazy and get back to writing again.
With me it wasn't necessarily laziness...it was a damned huge writers' block. I hate those. A lot. But I decided to rewrite the original prologue (which I had written about 18 months ago) and this is what I came up with.
((PSAT's, that's an early SAT right? I did that in 7th grade, tell me what you get. At that time English was my buff))
I like it, PM me the whole intro?
Her usage of "broken stained glass" is actually correct. Stained glass is an actual type of glass, also known as church glass. And scrying is usually water based when it uses liquids, since it requires a surface that is clean and reflects stuff. ;)Also, Id, I'm interested. Shoot me a PM with the full thing if you can.
OK - I figured it might be something like this - that's why I pointed out, that I'm not sure as a non native speaker.
And the second thing might be just personal preference: I like it, when monsters (or gods) do things a bit different. So I'd be a bit unclear there on purpose: Is that stuff just black water or demon blood or even worse...?!
Sorry if that post came across as picky! 
I'd love to read the rest anyway. (And I'm more than happy to leave the nitpicking to people more qualified) 
Oh, it's fine. I'm welcoming any and all critique/criticism, so fire away!
EDIT: Anyone who posted on this thread, check your inboxes. I believe I sent a copy of the full prologue to everyone on this thread. Feel free to respond w/ a message or a post, either way is fine.
I'm interested as well, if you don't mind.
Sent you one.
Thank You. I must say I like your style, and will certainly follow the further development with great attention. However, if you don't mind my saying so, I think this work would greatly benefit from some more detail and/or historical clarifications. It feels like the jumps from paragraph to paragraph are a bit sudden. Also, the gods are somewhat prosaic. Now, I am not familiar with the Realms, so perhaps, that is the whole point; otherwise, some more drama and mystique might be in order when discussing the Corellon-Lathander-Lolth thing.
Anyhow, keep me updated, I like it!
Seems interesting enough.
Just sent you one, rag.
Ooh! Me too! Me too! Me too! Mememe!
sent u one, bane.
Ahem, right here if you plz...
Ahem, right here if you plz...
Check your inbox.