Hello, and welcome to Questions for Cthulhu. I'm your host, Cthulhu. You pittiful mortals can ask your silly questions and I'll answer them with my dark and unequalled knowledge.
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Or so we thought....
O mighty Cthulhu, who woke you up? Is there any way we can appease you?And please enlighten me in your terrifying, inhuman wisdom:why did I roll so many 1s last night?
Do not purge your bowels O puny mortals. I'm not awake, I'm more like...you know when you wake up at 3 am, and go to the bathroom then go back to bed? Well I'm like that.
Also, you rolls 1s because your dice are cheating on you. Sorry to break it to you. Next question!
*reads aloud from the Necronomicon and sacrifices a goat to The True Master of All that is, was, and ever shall be*
O Mighty Lord, how do I set the clock on my VCR? I cannot, for the life of me, figure it out.
What was the goat about? Now about the VCR, well the Great Cthulhu wonders why you don't just get a DVD player, or Blueray. Seriously, who uses VCRs anymore?
Oh great and mighty Cthulhu, I just have to ask, where can I get that amazingly cute - errm, I mean, terrifyingly awe-inspiring mascot of yours 
?
Google Cthulhu Plush. Me fhtagn!
O Great Cthulhu, I have a fashion question. You see, we're setting up a new cabal and are cursed by our ignorance: what is the dress code for a Cthulhu cultist? What does the modern high priest wear? Please show us the way!
O mighty one, what wld you do if you wandered across an abomination that refuses to die?
Seems I have two questions in my mailbox. Ok let's see.
O Great Cthulhu, I have a fashion question. You see, we're setting up a new cabal and are cursed by our ignorance: what is the dress code for a Cthulhu cultist? What does the modern high priest wear? Please show us the way!
Well this whole Cthulhu Cult this is kind of weird. I'm still going to eat you. It's like if your eggs and bacon started kissing your ass.
O mighty one, what wld you do if you wandered across an abomination that refuses to die?
I'd kill it.
O mighty one, what if it said abomination asked to join your club of abominations? Would you let it in?
I work alone. Souls don't really fill you up, so sharing them is bad for everyone involved.
O mighty one, what would you do if it challenged you to a game of checkers for your job?
Well because of the economic downturn...well I don't exactly have a job. I used to work at an insurance firm, but my buddies and I got cut. If anyone can get me a job that'd be great. Non-Euclidean geometry isn't cheap.
O great one, how would you like to play some checkers...?
Well because of the economic downturn...well I don't exactly have a job. I used to work at an insurance firm, but my buddies and I got cut. If anyone can get me a job that'd be great. Non-Euclidean geometry isn't cheap.
Ever been a bouncer before?
Hey, C-Man.
What's the best way to get that last bit of peanut butter out of the jar when you want just a bit more on your sandwich but don't want to open a new jar and you just know if you could get the peanut butter from out of the corners and ridges in the jar it would be just right?
oh great one, what's the meaning of life?
Oh I have a lot of questions. *Puts on reading glasses*
O great one, how would you like to play some checkers...?
Nah, I'm good.
Ever been a bouncer before?
Nope.
Hey, C-Man.
What's the best way to get that last bit of peanut butter out of the jar when you want just a bit more on your sandwich but don't want to open a new jar and you just know if you could get the peanut butter from out of the corners and ridges in the jar it would be just right?
Good question. Here's what you do: First, get a hack saw. Second, steralize the hack saw. Third, cut open the jar.
oh great one, what's the meaning of life?
42.
Yo, Cthulu, what's crackin?
The Bloop - Are you it?
Well it's time for Questions for Cthulhu again.
Yo, Cthulu, what's crackin?
Your sanity.
The Bloop - Are you it?
Are you calling me fat?
O Mighty Cthulhu, currently half-asleep in fallen R'lyeh, answer my question: does Shub-Niggurath really have a thousand young? If so, does she employ any nannies?
And whose the poor sap paying child support?
O mighty Cthulhu, when I die, will it be fighting for a good cause?
Well it seems my mailbox is getting full again.
O Mighty Cthulhu, currently half-asleep in fallen R'lyeh, answer my question: does Shub-Niggurath really have a thousand young? If so, does she employ any nannies?
She's the community bicycle. Every Elder God has had a spin on her. And have you ever wondered what her cultists do?
And whose the poor sap paying child support?
A lot of people.
O mighty Cthulhu, when I die, will it be fighting for a good cause?
No.
(Congratz PK, you've reached a whole new lvl of vanity)
Oh mighty Cthulhu, would you bless my wand so that I may slay those who would oppose you, and bring them to you for late-night snack?
(Congratz PK, you've reached a whole new lvl of vanity)
Oh mighty Cthulhu, would you bless my wand so that I may slay those who would oppose you, and bring them to you for late-night snack?
Sure. Why not. Tshshj jjgdsfui cthulhu ngrg qhtrgfthhhherg.
I like my souls medium-rare by the way. I'm going to take some Niquil or something to see if I can get to sleep.
Thank you for your wisdom O Great Cthulhu. I humbly ask for an answer to another question:What colour is the Colour Out of Space? It always confused me...
I have cast a spell on the next new poster to think they have come here for wisdom. But really, they are a meal for you. Upon they're arrival I shall roast them, medium rare, My Lord.
-bows-
(By next new poster I mean next guy to post who hasn't already posted on this thread, (follow me?))
I humbly thank you for thy blessed wand. I shall roast thy's foes, and they shall come forth, alas to gaze only upon the wicked light of my blessed wand, and serve thy Lord as midnight snacks.
Well the Niquil didn't work.
Thank you for your wisdom O Great Cthulhu. I humbly ask for an answer to another question:What colour is the Colour Out of Space? It always confused me...
Magenta. Also those guys are some of my old peeps that were looking for me.
I have cast a spell on the next new poster to think they have come here for wisdom. But really, they are a meal for you. Upon they're arrival I shall roast them, medium rare, My Lord.
-bows-
(By next new poster I mean next guy to post who hasn't already posted on this thread, (follow me?))
*Causes Lorekeeper's wand to roast him*
Yummy.
No, next new poster My Lord, as in someone who hasn't been on this thead yet. My apologies Oh Wretched One, for not making it clearer.
O Great One, what is 5 times 2? ((couldn't help doing south park just then))
And also, what events shall occur on the twenty-first day of December in the year of 2012?
While I'm awake I'll answer a few new letters.
No, next new poster My Lord, as in someone who hasn't been on this thead yet. My apologies Oh Wretched One, for not making it clearer.
I love how my cult thinks I won't eat them. It's so cute.
O Great One, what is 5 times 2? ((couldn't help doing south park just then))
And also, what events shall occur on the twenty-first day of December in the year of 2012?
First question 55.
Second question, I'm going to pass gas.
O terrible Cthulhu, what are your favourite kinds of music and musical instruments?
O great Cthulhu, can you tell why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?
Cthulhu, did you have anything to do with the unholy mind twisting abomination know as Gleemax!!!
Well my tentacles are tingling, which means it's time for more questions. Or my girlfriend is cheating on me. But Laura wouldn't do that so...
O terrible Cthulhu, what are your favourite kinds of music and musical instruments?
Country and the cello.
O great Cthulhu, can you tell why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?
Because they have tentacles. Cinnamon Toast fhtagn!
Cthulhu, did you have anything to do with the unholy mind twisting abomination know as Gleemax!!!
I was consulted on that work.
O mighty Cthulhu, I'd like to make a quote. "Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again. He knows where They have trod earth's fields, and where They still tread them, and why no one can behold Them as They tread".
My question is the following:how can you stand that indiscreet know-it-all?
Oh, great one, would you kindly eat everyone who dare insult the incarnation of these forums?
And would you see if Pigkight happens to still have a copy of the first Edition War's mechanics somewhere?
Sonofa**** the forums ate my post.
I'll teach them a lesson!
Fhgan lothh hyulng qgtih fhagn utol rgnhqpm vbcathul
(Still hoping for answers. And not being devoured.)
The forums ate my post!
O mighty Cthulhu, I'd like to make a quote. "Yog-Sothoth knows the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the gate. Yog-Sothoth is the key and guardian of the gate. Past, present, future, all are one in Yog-Sothoth. He knows where the Old Ones broke through of old, and where They shall break through again. He knows where They have trod earth's fields, and where They still tread them, and why no one can behold Them as They tread".
My question is the following:how can you stand that indiscreet know-it-all?
Well the other Deities and I used to get together every month for a murder mystery party, and then Sothy came. Y'know, if Athena can keep from spoiling it I think he should be able to as well.
Oh, great one, would you kindly eat everyone who dare insult the incarnation of these forums?
And would you see if Pigkight happens to still have a copy of the first Edition War's mechanics somewhere?
*Om, nom, nom*
No he doesn't.
(Still hoping for answers. And not being devoured.)
*Om, nom, nom*
O great Cthulhu, would you ever be considered as a Diety on Dungeons and Dragons? If so, what would your realm look like?
See, this is why you don't ask an elder god any serious questions. Us Ivory Tower Elitists have got the real answers to the important questions.
Threads from the Edition War that ended in February 2009:
Yo, Cthulu, what's crackin?
(Hey, Fenrir7139- you're missing out on the Dark Enclaves of Morad'durn...)
See, this is why you don't ask an elder god any serious questions. Us Ivory Tower Elitists have got the real answers to the important questions.
Threads from the Edition War that ended in February 2009:
That's because I AM a serious person...
Sonofa**** the forums ate my post.
The forums ate my post!
So how exactly do you slay data vampires?
Oh mighty Cthulhu, do you prefer BBQ ribs or fried chicken?
Sonofa**** the forums ate my post.The forums ate my post!
So how exactly do you slay data vampires?
A Mariah Carey CD in your disc drive. Not even data vampires can stand that.
O Mighty Cthulhu, have you purchased the "Cthulhu's Revenge" guitar on Rock Band 2?