A Satire of Balance - Downloaded from the Wizards Community, all coding removed by Solauren

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 dandu Jun 03, 2009 17:53:52	A Closer Look at the Characters: The Wizard: Wizards cast spells. This makes them agents of the devil, as the only people who cast spells in real life are witches. This has a corrupting influence on the minds of our youth, who will become fascinated with the occult and the magical. It would go without saying that an impressionable young person who chooses this kind of character and really engages in it would probably develop an interest in such subjects and be lead astray from the path of justice and rightiousness unto the folds of satanic witchcraft. They are also horribly overpowered, as they can choose what spells to prepare out of their spellbook and change their prepared spells on a daily basis, just like real life wizards. Sorcerers, meanwhile, can cast without need of a spellbook and have a large number of spells per day. This makes them hard to combat, and what's more, spells such as Resist Energy combined with the feats Still and Silent spell make it impossible to burn them at the stake! The Cleric or Priest: This is a religious figure, but just look at the gods (with a small "g") available. There is no one God, but many gods. A cleric in Dungeons and Dragons exists in a pagan environment which is a clear affront to the Bible and Christianity. One of the subsets of Clerics, called Druids, are even worse, for they are a direct reference to the heathen traditions of pre-Christian Britain. This is a deliberate attempt by Dungeons and Dragons to introduce non-Christian concepts to players in an attempt to sway them away from Christianity. As you would expect, both of these classes are horribly overpowered, which will lead players to believe immense power can be found outside of Christianity and the Church. This is clearly unacceptable. True power and ultimate salvation can only be found in Christian humbleness and kindness, not through heathenistic magic and devotion to pagan gods! There is also a holy warrior called the Paladin, who receives blessings from a god in exchange for acting as judge, jury, and executioner to those who do not follow his religion. Many paladin players become stuck up jerks who do not hesitate in smiting people who jaywalk across streets. Effectively, paladins are religious zealots who follow the letter of their religion with sociopathic zeal but ignore the spirit behind those letters. What ever happened to "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Playing characters who worship multiple gods - or revere nature in the case of the Druid - is like playing with fire. There is only one God - or three at most. The Rogue (or Bard or Thief): The very existence of these characters are contrary to the Biblical commands against stealing. Additionally, even here we have magic as part of the possible repertoire, either though a skill called Use Magic Device, or through magical spells granted by the class. By letting people play morally ambiguous characters with access to magic, the game spreads a message that it is acceptable to steal and cast spells. Won't someone think of the children? The Monk: In yet another perversion of wholesome Christian role models, there is the Monk, which appears to have been inspired by the Eastern (and heathenistic) monk who practices martial arts and not the devout holy man of Christian tradition. People who play Monks are likely to view martial arts as "cool" and practice them, only to be seduced by the spiritual philosophies taught alongside Eastern martial arts and led away from the spiritual teachings of the church. Monks are also horribly balanced in the game, which will lead people to conclude that monks must not be powerful in real life. This, I submit, is a direct cause in the decline of new initiates in monasteries and nunneries over the latter half of the 20th century. All thanks to this idiot, without which the above would not have been possible.
#2 phaedrusxy Jun 03, 2009 19:19:18	So the fighter is the only class for the wholesome Christian to play? Oh, and... in before the lock. :D
#3 dr_rocktopus Jun 03, 2009 19:43:04	I thought this was hilarious. I will be sad if it is locked.
#4 emy Jun 03, 2009 19:45:22	All thanks to this idiot, without which the above would not have been possible. That links to *************** instead of www.("this idiot"'s name).com. Is it wordfiltered, or did you do that yourself? I, too, am in before the lock.
#5 jameswilliamogle Jun 03, 2009 19:52:03	Yep, reminds me of my parents during the "hellfire-and-damnation" era while burning my DnD collection circa 1990...
#6 SwordDisciple Jun 03, 2009 20:00:08	Lol.. Tis the devils work..
#7 post_ironic Jun 03, 2009 20:03:10	More of the same here. Hilarious, if you don't take it seriously. EDIT: Stupid url block. The links was to a famous (and ridiculous) Chick Tract.
#8 yawar Jun 03, 2009 20:19:50	This is reminds of the Pulling Report. I thought that kind of anti D&D radical christians disapear in the 90´s. Before the lock. :D
#9 feloniousela Jun 03, 2009 20:20:36	I'm a teacher and was told I should never play, even unofficially, with students as the townsfolk will literally complain that I am pushing witchcraft and satanism. Awesome. I was also told I could not do draft tournaments as fundraisers for school programs or charity. It's not like all this stuff teaches reading, planning, strategy, teamwork, math, probability, history, mythology, vocabulary, information retention etc. etc. ad infinitum
#10 pyro_azer Jun 03, 2009 20:33:00	It's not like all this stuff teaches reading, planning, strategy, teamwork, math, probability, history, mythology, vocabulary, information retention etc. etc. ad infinitum Of course not, where on earth did you get that idea?
#11 stolide Jun 03, 2009 20:45:54	Hillarious thread. The funniest part is that Christianity requires magick... (I'm just going to say I am christian and am referring specifically to communion, don't flame me)
#12 yawar Jun 03, 2009 20:47:10	It's not like all this stuff teaches reading, planning, strategy, teamwork, math, probability, history, mythology, vocabulary, information retention etc. etc. ad infinitum Adding lateral thinking, cross examination, logical argumentation, abstraction capacity, social development, etc. to the list. All while having fun. It´s practically a non-infant version of Sesame Street.
#13 dandu Jun 03, 2009 20:57:29	That links to *************** instead of www.("this idiot"'s name).com. Is it wordfiltered, or did you do that yourself? It should link to chick.com. I don't know what's wrong with it.
#14 pyro_azer Jun 03, 2009 21:18:20	Most likely its filtered. If chick.com is refferring to the same jack chick mentioned in the CoC that would be a plausible reason.
#15 dandu Jun 03, 2009 21:19:19	Ah, true.
#16 jameswilliamogle Jun 03, 2009 21:33:03	I honestly don't think the designers thought that casters would be as powerful as they were. They (almost without a doubt) did not consider the religion angle. Being a secular game, they have to appeal to the broad audience, which generally means leaving religion out of it. Also, where's the optimization in this?
#17 dandu Jun 03, 2009 21:41:10	Optimizing for lulz.
#18 sofawall Jun 03, 2009 23:23:11	See, he annoys me. I just so happen to be Christian, and a few of my friends are too. We regularily play D&D together (with the Warden of our church, amusingly enough). It's silly literalism that ruins Christianity for many... Yeah, I really don't like that guy. I HATE silly literalists.
#19 cragghunter Jun 03, 2009 23:28:52	Please don't bring this vile persecution of our beloved game back to the light again . I know it still exists but it is no where near what it was back in the dark ages of D&D (the 80's). Where some were forced to watch there books burned others had exorcism performed on them or were accused of being satanists . None of this is an exaggeration I saw it happen I was there . Oh and in before the lock:P
#20 the-mentalist Jun 04, 2009 15:26:59	This is one of the most wonderful things I've read in a while. Are they really going to lock this thing? If so, in before the lock.
#21 emy Jun 04, 2009 16:56:31	I HATE silly literalists. Well, there's always THIS Silly Literalist.
#22 cragghunter Jun 04, 2009 17:18:52	This is one of the most wonderful things I've read in a while. Are they really going to lock this thing? If so, in before the lock. Did you read the dark dungeons comic ? IF you did read this next http://rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm. NOTE FOWL LANGUAGE And yes this usually gets locked after it is noticed or reported because of the strong feelings it brings up from some of the graybeards who survived the Inquisition . We never expected it .
#23 jgumbyrx Jun 04, 2009 17:31:44	Did you read the dark dungeons comic ? IF you did read this next http://rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm. NOTE FOWL LANGUAGE And yes this usually gets locked after it is noticed or reported because of the strong feelings it brings up from some of the graybeards who survived the Inquisition . We never expected it . THAT'S F'N AWESOME
#24 dandu Jun 04, 2009 17:32:44	This is one of the most wonderful things I've read in a while. Are they really going to lock this thing? If so, in before the lock. I'm sure they would have done it by now if they wanted to. I have the utmost confidence that this will not be locked. ... In before the lock.
#25 dr_rocktopus Jun 04, 2009 18:16:47	I feel, personally, that the lack of a lock is proof of the absence of gmod.
#26 pyro_azer Jun 04, 2009 18:21:03	I feel, personally, that the lack of a lock is proof of the absence of gmod. :heehee
#27 cragghunter Jun 04, 2009 18:21:27	I feel, personally, that the lack of a lock is proof of the absence of gmod. I find your lack of faith disturbing.
#28 dr_rocktopus Jun 04, 2009 18:29:45	Hokey religion and ancient weapons... [INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]:: HURRRRRRRRRK ::[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT] [INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT] [/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]
#29 frostwolf Jun 04, 2009 18:34:32	Umm... Okay. I guess. But Don't forget that the fighter is gear and buff dependent. accepting the trappings and gifts of said heathen casters.
#30 cragghunter Jun 04, 2009 18:37:21	Umm... Okay. I guess. Missed it by that much .
#31 gilfalas_elaandrin Jun 04, 2009 19:35:52	Wow. That brings back memories of 1980. My mom actually locked my D&D books in her desk during 1982 because of that crap. That junk actually made national NEWS back then. Sad eh. Least I can look back and laugh like hell about it now. :D
#32 sofawall Jun 04, 2009 20:28:08	Well, there's always THIS Silly Literalist. That's what added that phrase to my vocabulary, actually.
#33 Endarire Jun 05, 2009 20:19:35	And for even more satire, MST3K reviews Dark Dungeons!
#34 PlzBreakMyCampaign Jun 07, 2009 11:44:42	Sigh, I request a move to a more appropriate forum - this is character optimization Some people, like many a religiously-ignorant Westerner, did not figure out this is a sick "satire of balance." ...impossible to burn them at the stake! That's exactly what practicing people really want to do huh? ... Christian humbleness and kindness Red flag. Its humility. smiting people who jaywalk across streets.Effectively, paladins are religious zealots who follow the letter of their religion with sociopathic zeal but ignore the spirit behind those letters. What ever happened to "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Again red flag. Who here hasn't heard a jerk like this mindlessly repeat this mantra. There is only one God - or three at most. Again red flag. This reminds me of sections of the Kor'an, which isn't 'supposed' to be the OP's background huh? the Biblical commands against stealing. ... commands rather than commandments... Won't someone think of the children? wow the insincerity the church. last time it was capitalized this idiot I actually know what you are talking about. You don't have to agree with him, but calling him an idiot doesn't seem to fit the facts (not to mention form of his arguments). Not only is this bad satire (I just listed all the red flags - good satire would have none) but you did not actually address any of the issues he brought up. In short, you fail literature forever Show Those who realized the rotten Joke: Phaedrus, Rocktopus, Those who didn't wake up and smell the coffee: Yawar, Cragghunter, The-Mentalist Everyone else had off-topic or ambiguous replies for the OP

Post/Author/DateTime

Post

dandu

Jun 03, 2009 17:53:52

A Closer Look at the Characters:

The Wizard: Wizards cast spells. This makes them agents of the devil, as the only people who cast spells in real life are witches. This has a corrupting influence on the minds of our youth, who will become fascinated with the occult and the magical. It would go without saying that an impressionable young person who chooses this kind of character and really engages in it would probably develop an interest in such subjects and be lead astray from the path of justice and rightiousness unto the folds of satanic witchcraft.

They are also horribly overpowered, as they can choose what spells to prepare out of their spellbook and change their prepared spells on a daily basis, just like real life wizards. Sorcerers, meanwhile, can cast without need of a spellbook and have a large number of spells per day. This makes them hard to combat, and what's more, spells such as Resist Energy combined with the feats Still and Silent spell make it impossible to burn them at the stake!

The Cleric or Priest: This is a religious figure, but just look at the gods (with a small "g") available. There is no one God, but many gods. A cleric in Dungeons and Dragons exists in a pagan environment which is a clear affront to the Bible and Christianity.

One of the subsets of Clerics, called Druids, are even worse, for they are a direct reference to the heathen traditions of pre-Christian Britain. This is a deliberate attempt by Dungeons and Dragons to introduce non-Christian concepts to players in an attempt to sway them away from Christianity.

As you would expect, both of these classes are horribly overpowered, which will lead players to believe immense power can be found outside of Christianity and the Church. This is clearly unacceptable. True power and ultimate salvation can only be found in Christian humbleness and kindness, not through heathenistic magic and devotion to pagan gods!

There is also a holy warrior called the Paladin, who receives blessings from a god in exchange for acting as judge, jury, and executioner to those who do not follow his religion. Many paladin players become stuck up jerks who do not hesitate in smiting people who jaywalk across streets. Effectively, paladins are religious zealots who follow the letter of their religion with sociopathic zeal but ignore the spirit behind those letters. What ever happened to "Judge not, lest ye be judged?"

Playing characters who worship multiple gods - or revere nature in the case of the Druid - is like playing with fire. There is only one God - or three at most.

The Rogue (or Bard or Thief): The very existence of these characters are contrary to the Biblical commands against stealing. Additionally, even here we have magic as part of the possible repertoire, either though a skill called Use Magic Device, or through magical spells granted by the class.

By letting people play morally ambiguous characters with access to magic, the game spreads a message that it is acceptable to steal and cast spells. Won't someone think of the children?

The Monk: In yet another perversion of wholesome Christian role models, there is the Monk, which appears to have been inspired by the Eastern (and heathenistic) monk who practices martial arts and not the devout holy man of Christian tradition. People who play Monks are likely to view martial arts as "cool" and practice them, only to be seduced by the spiritual philosophies taught alongside Eastern martial arts and led away from the spiritual teachings of the church.

Monks are also horribly balanced in the game, which will lead people to conclude that monks must not be powerful in real life. This, I submit, is a direct cause in the decline of new initiates in monasteries and nunneries over the latter half of the 20th century.

All thanks to this idiot, without which the above would not have been possible.

phaedrusxy

Jun 03, 2009 19:19:18

So the fighter is the only class for the wholesome Christian to play?

Oh, and... in before the lock. :D

dr_rocktopus

Jun 03, 2009 19:43:04

I thought this was hilarious. I will be sad if it is locked.

emy

Jun 03, 2009 19:45:22

All thanks to this idiot, without which the above would not have been possible.

That links to *************** instead of www.("this idiot"'s name).com. Is it wordfiltered, or did you do that yourself?

I, too, am in before the lock.

jameswilliamogle

Jun 03, 2009 19:52:03

Yep, reminds me of my parents during the "hellfire-and-damnation" era while burning my DnD collection circa 1990...

SwordDisciple

Jun 03, 2009 20:00:08

Lol.. Tis the devils work..

post_ironic

Jun 03, 2009 20:03:10

More of the same here. Hilarious, if you don't take it seriously.

EDIT: Stupid url block. The links was to a famous (and ridiculous) Chick Tract.

yawar

Jun 03, 2009 20:19:50

This is reminds of the Pulling Report.
I thought that kind of anti D&D radical christians disapear in the 90´s.

Before the lock. :D

feloniousela

Jun 03, 2009 20:20:36

I'm a teacher and was told I should never play, even unofficially, with students as the townsfolk will literally complain that I am pushing witchcraft and satanism. Awesome. I was also told I could not do draft tournaments as fundraisers for school programs or charity.

It's not like all this stuff teaches reading, planning, strategy, teamwork, math, probability, history, mythology, vocabulary, information retention etc. etc. ad infinitum

#10

pyro_azer

Jun 03, 2009 20:33:00

It's not like all this stuff teaches reading, planning, strategy, teamwork, math, probability, history, mythology, vocabulary, information retention etc. etc. ad infinitum

Of course not, where on earth did you get that idea?

#11

stolide

Jun 03, 2009 20:45:54

Hillarious thread. The funniest part is that Christianity requires magick...

(I'm just going to say I am christian and am referring specifically to communion, don't flame me)

#12

yawar

Jun 03, 2009 20:47:10

It's not like all this stuff teaches reading, planning, strategy, teamwork, math, probability, history, mythology, vocabulary, information retention etc. etc. ad infinitum

Adding lateral thinking, cross examination, logical argumentation, abstraction capacity, social development, etc. to the list. All while having fun.

It´s practically a non-infant version of Sesame Street.

#13

dandu

Jun 03, 2009 20:57:29

That links to *************** instead of www.("this idiot"'s name).com. Is it wordfiltered, or did you do that yourself?

It should link to chick.com. I don't know what's wrong with it.

#14

pyro_azer

Jun 03, 2009 21:18:20

Most likely its filtered. If chick.com is refferring to the same jack chick mentioned in the CoC that would be a plausible reason.

#15

dandu

Jun 03, 2009 21:19:19

Ah, true.

#16

jameswilliamogle

Jun 03, 2009 21:33:03

I honestly don't think the designers thought that casters would be as powerful as they were. They (almost without a doubt) did not consider the religion angle. Being a secular game, they have to appeal to the broad audience, which generally means leaving religion out of it.

Also, where's the optimization in this?

#17

dandu

Jun 03, 2009 21:41:10

Optimizing for lulz.

#18

sofawall

Jun 03, 2009 23:23:11

See, he annoys me. I just so happen to be Christian, and a few of my friends are too. We regularily play D&D together (with the Warden of our church, amusingly enough). It's silly literalism that ruins Christianity for many...

Yeah, I really don't like that guy. I HATE silly literalists.

#19

cragghunter

Jun 03, 2009 23:28:52

Please don't bring this vile persecution of our beloved game back to the light again . I know it still exists but it is no where near what it was back in the
dark ages of D&D (the 80's).

Where some were forced to watch there books burned others had exorcism
performed on them or were accused of being satanists . None of this is an exaggeration I saw it happen I was there .

Oh and in before the lock:P

#20

the-mentalist

Jun 04, 2009 15:26:59

This is one of the most wonderful things I've read in a while. Are they really going to lock this thing?

If so, in before the lock.

#21

emy

Jun 04, 2009 16:56:31

I HATE silly literalists.

Well, there's always THIS Silly Literalist.

#22

cragghunter

Jun 04, 2009 17:18:52

This is one of the most wonderful things I've read in a while. Are they really going to lock this thing?

If so, in before the lock.

Did you read the dark dungeons comic ? IF you did read this next http://rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm. NOTE FOWL LANGUAGE

And yes this usually gets locked after it is noticed or reported because of the strong feelings it brings up from some of the graybeards who survived the Inquisition . We never expected it .

#23

jgumbyrx

Jun 04, 2009 17:31:44

Did you read the dark dungeons comic ? IF you did read this next http://rubbersuitstudios.com/ptcct.htm. NOTE FOWL LANGUAGE

And yes this usually gets locked after it is noticed or reported because of the strong feelings it brings up from some of the graybeards who survived the Inquisition . We never expected it .

THAT'S F'N AWESOME

#24

dandu

Jun 04, 2009 17:32:44

This is one of the most wonderful things I've read in a while. Are they really going to lock this thing?

If so, in before the lock.

I'm sure they would have done it by now if they wanted to. I have the utmost confidence that this will not be locked.

...

In before the lock.

#25

dr_rocktopus

Jun 04, 2009 18:16:47

I feel, personally, that the lack of a lock is proof of the absence of gmod.

#26

pyro_azer

Jun 04, 2009 18:21:03

I feel, personally, that the lack of a lock is proof of the absence of gmod.

:heehee

#27

cragghunter

Jun 04, 2009 18:21:27

I feel, personally, that the lack of a lock is proof of the absence of gmod.

I find your lack of faith disturbing.

#28

dr_rocktopus

Jun 04, 2009 18:29:45

Hokey religion and ancient weapons...

[INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]:: HURRRRRRRRRK ::[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]
[INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT][INDENT]

[/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT][/INDENT]

#29

frostwolf

Jun 04, 2009 18:34:32

Umm... Okay. I guess.

But Don't forget that the fighter is gear and buff dependent. accepting the trappings and gifts of said heathen casters.

#30

cragghunter

Jun 04, 2009 18:37:21

Umm... Okay. I guess.

Missed it by that much .

#31

gilfalas_elaandrin

Jun 04, 2009 19:35:52

Wow. That brings back memories of 1980.

My mom actually locked my D&D books in her desk during 1982 because of that crap.

That junk actually made national NEWS back then. Sad eh.

Least I can look back and laugh like hell about it now. :D

#32

sofawall

Jun 04, 2009 20:28:08

Well, there's always THIS Silly Literalist.

That's what added that phrase to my vocabulary, actually.

#33

Endarire

Jun 05, 2009 20:19:35

And for even more satire, MST3K reviews Dark Dungeons!

#34

PlzBreakMyCampaign

Jun 07, 2009 11:44:42

Sigh, I request a move to a more appropriate forum - this is character optimization

Some people, like many a religiously-ignorant Westerner, did not figure out this is a sick "satire of balance."

...impossible to burn them at the stake!

That's exactly what practicing people really want to do huh?

... Christian humbleness and kindness

Red flag. Its humility.

smiting people who jaywalk across streets.Effectively, paladins are religious zealots who follow the letter of their religion with sociopathic zeal but ignore the spirit behind those letters. What ever happened to "Judge not, lest ye be judged?"

Again red flag. Who here hasn't heard a jerk like this mindlessly repeat this mantra.

There is only one God - or three at most.

Again red flag. This reminds me of sections of the Kor'an, which isn't 'supposed' to be the OP's background huh?

the Biblical commands against stealing.

... commands rather than commandments...

Won't someone think of the children?

wow the insincerity

the church.

last time it was capitalized

this idiot

I actually know what you are talking about. You don't have to agree with him, but calling him an idiot doesn't seem to fit the facts (not to mention form of his arguments).

Not only is this bad satire (I just listed all the red flags - good satire would have none) but you did not actually address any of the issues he brought up.

In short, you fail literature forever

Show

Those who realized the rotten Joke: Phaedrus, Rocktopus,

Those who didn't wake up and smell the coffee: Yawar, Cragghunter, The-Mentalist

Everyone else had off-topic or ambiguous replies for the OP