I have never noticed a joke thread on these forums, but we definitely need one! What are your best D&D jokes? I am most interested in hearing in-game jokes characters would make, but I'm also quite curious about other jokes as well such as jokes about D&D in general, or even D&D jokes where a character breaks the fourth wall. If it's a joke and it invovles D&D in any way, tell us!
I'll start with a great comeback after someone says something especially harsh to a character:
"Quick, cast Cure Wounds on this man because YOU GOT BUUUUUURNED!!!!!"
TheLyons wrote:
Very nice.
I really like the quote from the beginning of Baldur's Gate:
"My inn is as clean as an elven arse"
A few classic D&D limericks:
Upon drinking a Philter of Love,
An Elf suffered effects thereof.
As his head started reeling,
He looked to the ceiling.
Now he’s wedded a Lurker Above!
She though it true love she’d found,
When the handsome young centaur came ‘round.
But one roll in the hay,
And he trotted away;
He t’was only horsing around!
A dour old dwarf named Fritz,
T’was burned right where he sits.
That happens, they say,
When you get in the way
Of a Dragon just as he spits!
A boastful young knave was a-braggin,
‘Bout the time that he bested a dragon,
And to get more attention
He neglected to mention
That the dragon was carved on a flagon.
A wyrm found a knight its hoard stealing,
Not knowing his fate he was sealing
Wyrm grimaced and said,
“It’s not killing I dread,
But the time that it takes for the Peeling.”
Shiroiken wrote:
Shiroiken wrote:
souldoubt wrote:
1)
Why did the adventurer cross the road?
XP.
2)
A priest, a swordsman, and a wizard walk into a bar and the bartender says "where's the rogue?"
And the priest says "You rolled a Spot check under 23"
3)
A priest , a blackguard, and a necromancer walk into a bar and the bartender says "where's the rogue?"
Then the bartender dies.
4)
Why are vampires bad drivers?
Too much turn resistance.
One day Bigby and Mordenkainen got into a heated argument. Bigby ended it by saying, "Talk to the hand."
What kind of a tree makes skeletons?
A phylac-tree.
Not so much as a joke, but more of an idea for a short comic strip. (I'm alternately lazy and busy, so I haven't drawn it yet)
Panel 1: there's a table of gamers in a room playing and spouting all sorts of D&D rules and stats. This athletic guy walks by and yells "NERDS!"
Panel 2: the same athletic guy is in another room, with some friends, watching ESPN, and he's spouting all sorts of football rules and stats.
Player: Can I play an orc cleric?
DM: Nope.
Player: Why not?
DM: Pork's not kosher.
What is a halfling front of Strand Von Zarovich?
A shooter drink.
-What is the difference between a witch and an enchantress?
- Five of years of marriage.
A elf finds a friend:
- hey, Legolas! how are you?
- Bad, I come from my uncle´s funeral.
- Oh, I am sorry very much. What's happenend?
- Killed by a breath attack
- By a dragon?
- A drunk dwarf in a tabern.
- What did an elf say to a drow?
- You have to let me your shadow eyes.
- A dwarf enters a tabern and he finds a duergar.
- Urg!!
- URG WHAT?
- WHAT IS THE WHAT?
A fight starts.
The dwarf enters a tabern and he finds a orc barbarian.
- Urg!!
- URG WHAT?
-WHAT IS THE WHAT?
A new fight starts.
The dwarft enters a tabern and he finds a metrosexual elf ranger.
- Urg!!!
- UPS! what rude!!!
- Mom, if Daddd is a genasi and you are an aasimar.. why am I a half-elf?
- My son, it was so crazy night that it is a miracle you don´t spit fire.
- The group of adventures is catched by the efreetis and taken to their supreme sultan.
- I am Letro Astraide, the half-god, and to prove my supreme power I will offer a test, if I can´t do the challenge with my magic, you will be free.
- Can you create a castle?
- Here you are. SOLDIERS, TAKE HIM AWAY AND MAKE A CANOE WITH HIS SKIN!!!
- What it your challenge?
- Can you create a demiplane?
- Here you are. SOLDIERS, TAKE HIM AWAY AND MAKE A CANOE WITH HIS SKIN!!!
- What is your last wish, little dwarf?
- Give me a fork.
- How do you want it, golden, with jewels, +5 bonus attack?
- I want the fork in my hand..
- Here you are...
The dwarf starts to hurt himself:
- YOU ARE GOING TO MADE A CANOE WITH YOUR (CENSORED) MOTHER'S SKIN!!!!
An elf, a half-orc, and a human walk into a bar. The halfling walks under it.
Two black dragons fell into a mudhole and three white dragons came out.
Where do adventurers like to stop for fast food?
THAC0 Bell.
TheLyons wrote:
"- so then I said, 'That's not a displacer beast! That's my WIFE!' "
Poster at a D&D marriage counselor's office:
"Talking is a free action"
seti wrote:
Playing 4th edition...
DM: "The BBEM attacks the wizard" (monster was marked)
Player shouts: "Immediate erection" (played the defender in the party)
Ups
DSZ wrote:
Quick one here more of an anacodote:
My hubs plays a Black Dragonborn Eldritch Knight we were looking through the last playtest packet at the armor and all he could say when he saw the Dragonscale Armor was "Uncle Neville....!!!!!"
Where is a warlock's sword when not in use?
Pact away.
Knock (bonus action) Knock
Halflings never buy for anyone else. They're always a little short.
Can't believe no one has posted the oldest D&D joke of all: Jesus saves; the rest of you take full damage.
Gazra wrote:
In a game of Mines of Madness:
DM: There are runes over the doorway... do any of you speak Dwarvish?
P1: I speak Dwarvish.
P2: So... would you say you're a tunnel linguist?
Two dwarves are standing on a bridge. The first dwarf cast a STINKING CLOUD. The second dwarf says, "When did you learn magic?" The first says, "I didn't!"
alienux wrote:
Dwarf walks into a bar. Ouch.
Shiroiken wrote: