Inspired by my favorite useless trick from 3.5e (under "Psionic Sandwich" here), I've figured out how to play a sandwich in the new edition.
You: an 11th level or higher wizard who knows Magic Jar.
Additional materials: two slices of bread, lettuce, a 3rd-level or higher wizard or sorcerer friend ("Buddy"), tomato, a 17th-level or higher wizard friend ("Friend"), meat of your choice, an ornamental container worth at least 500gp, mayo and mustard to taste.
Step 1: Make sandwich. This step is extremely important, because otherwise you'll just end up playing a slice of bread or a jar of mayo.
Step 2: Get Buddy to Enlarge the sandwich so that it is size Small. Make sure he concentrates, or this whole thing falls apart.
Step 3: Now that the sandwich is Small, Friend can use True Polymorph to transform the sandwich into a small humanoid. I prefer Kobold, because all wacky builds have Kobolds involved somehow. You now have a Kobold, friendly to your friend Friend, who was born a sandwich.
Step 4: Within the next hour, cast Magic Jar and place your soul into your ornamental container.
Step 5: Switch minds with the Koboldwich.
Step 6: Have Friend and Buddy end their concentration. You will now turn back into a sandwich. Bonus: you now have a jar which contains the soul of a sandwich.
Additional considerations:
As a wizard->sandwich, you no longer have hands or a mouth, and so cannot use the verbal or somatic components of your spells. This is a problem, of course, so I recommend splashing at least two levels of Sorcerer to get access to sorcery points (you can exchange your extra spell slots to get more than 2) and the Subtle Spell metamagic. The wording allows you to use it with any spell, not just Sorcerer spells.
I personally recommend Wizard 17 / Sorcerer 2 / Bard 1.
This gives you 9th level spells, a lot of fun cantrips, and some fantastic first level spells including Cure Wounds ("touch this sandwich and be healed") and Healing Word (without verbal components, of course, which makes complete sense) that allow you to do good party utility from inside the fighter's backpack, plus Dissonant Whispers which causes people to run in fear of the pastrami on rye. Naturally, you still have all the advantages of any 17th-level wizard, which means that you can be the Dread Lord Sandwich, commander of a legion of the undead.
A final point:
The rules are ambiguous as to whether you keep your mental statistics when you become a sandwich. After you use True Polymorph Object->Creature, your sandwich gains the normal stats of a kobold. Presumably, once the spell ends, it loses those stats, and so its Intelligence changes back to the normal zero of a sandwich. If you are inhabiting the body at the time, it's up to the DM whether you keep your int/wis/cha or revert to sandwich statistics (or whether Magic Jar ends if the kobold soul in the jar changes back into a sandwich soul / disappears). I choose to think that any merciful game designer would allow for playing a sandwich, but the rules are not clear on the details.
Edit: Having reread the concentration rules, it looks like you don't need your 17th-level Friend, so long as the DM rules that having your body go comatose and your soul enter a 500gp mason jar doesn't incapacitate you. You can True Polymorph your Ham & Cheese, and then while maintaining concentration, you can Jar yourself and mind-switch. In fact, if you can get Buddy to put a drop of mercury, a dollop of gum arabic, and a wisp of smoke into your 500gp can of tuna, you can even Magic Jar and then Subtle Spell True Polymorph from inside. So as long as you're at least a 17th-level wizard, you can do this with only one low-level helper. If the Monster Manual includes any tiny-sized humanoids, or if you make a Small-sized sandwich (or use an object larger than a sandwich, I suppose), you don't even need Buddy. You can make yourself a sandwich all by yourself.
Only true question here is: white bread or whole wheat?
Sir I salute you o7.
The question now is whether the same technology could be applied to allow me to play a violin.
rampant wrote:
This is dreadfully silly.
I wholeheartedly approve.
That was a fun read, but there is a flaw. As a sandwhich, you have no sensory organs, so you won't know when the fighter is hurt or anything else for that matter. You couldn't even tell when someone was eating you. You could, however, cast some sort of defensive spell on yourself periodically to zap would be eaters, though.
You wouldn't have a mind, so you couldn't think, but you'd have a soul.
would that make you soul food?
Psikerlord wrote:
Best. Thread. Ever.
Orethalion wrote:
Orethalion wrote:
Orethalion wrote:
My character went from zero to hero.
Joe_the_Rat wrote:
"...no one plays produce like I do!" *as said by Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie*
Fun read! Well done.
Personally, I would not allow a sandwich since it's not an "object", at least by my definition but would allow any number of objects to do this.
In fact, I think I might legitimately allow this if someone does this to turn into a weapon, and it could be an explanation of how some intelligent weapons became sentient. It's also a way for a hero to "live forever", or at least cheat death for a really long time.
Back in AD&D 2e I had a way to turn a character into wine. Cast flesh to stone, stone to mud, mud to water, then water to wine. You could then serve the character to his old party. The chain of spells may have been longer, I will have to look at my 2e books to remember but it wasn't even slightly bending the rules in any way, each spell logically turned one material into the next.
TheLyons wrote:
My kitty avatar would toy with the "Soul Sandwich In The Fishbowl", and probably watch it for hours. Better than TV I say.