1. Cannot base characters off the Who's drummer Keith Moon.
2. A one man band is not an appropriate bard instrument.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
4. My 7th Sea character Boudreaux is not 'Southern' Montaigne.
5. Not allowed to blow all my skill points on 1pt professional skills.
6. Synchronized panicking is not a proper battle plan.
7. Not allowed to use psychic powers to do the dishes.
8. How to serve Dragons is not a cookbook.
9. My monk's lips must be in sync.
10. Just because my character and I can speak German, doesn't mean the GM can.
11. Not allowed to berserk for the hell of it, especially during royal masquerades.
12. Must learn at least one offensive or defensive spell if I'm the sorcerer.
13. Must not murder canon NPCs in their sleep, no matter how cliche they are.
14. Ogres are not kosher.
15. Plan B is not automatically twice as much gunpowder as Plan A.
16. I will not beat Tomb of Horrors in less than 10 minutes from memory.
17. Collateral Damage Man is not an appropriate name for a super hero.
18. When surrendering I am to hand the sword over HILT first.
19. Drow are not good eating.
20. Polka is not appropriate marching music.
21. No longer allowed to recreate the Death Star Trench Run out of genre.
22. There is no such thing as a Gnomish Pygmy War Rhino.
23. Any character who has a sensitivity training center named after him will be taken away.
24. Even if the rules allow it, I am not allowed to summon 50,000 Blue Whales.
25. The green elf does not need food badly.
26. Valley speak has no place in a fantasy setting. Especially if you're the paladin.
27. I am not to shoot every corpse in the head to make sure they aren't a zombie in Twilight 2000.
28. The Goddess' of Marriage chosen weapon is not the whip.
29. I cannot have any gun that requires me to continue the damage code on back.
30. I am not to kill off all the vampires in the LARP, even if they are terminally stupid.
31. The backup trap handler is not whoever has the most HP at the time.
32. I cannot buy any animal in groups of 100 or over.
33. There is no such skill as 'improvised cooking'
34. I am not allowed to base any Droid off any character played by Joe Pesci.
35. I am not allowed to convince the entire party to play R2 units.
36. I am not allowed to convice the entire party to sit on the same side of the table.
37. They do not make black market illegal cyberweapons for rodents.
38. When investigating evil cultists not allowed to just torch the decrepid mansion from the outside.
39. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'can lick their eyebrows'
40. Gnomes do not have the racial ability to hold their breath for 10 minutes.
41. Gnomes do not have the racial ability 'impromptu kickstand'
42. Having a big nose adds nothing to my seduction check.
43. No longer allowed to set !@#@ propaganda music to a snappy disco beat.
44. Not allowed to spend all 100 character points on 100 1pt skills.
45. My character names are not allowed to be double entendres.
46. Sliver rhymes with silver because the computer frelling says so.
47. They do not make Nair in wookie sizes.
48. The elf is restricted to decaf for the rest of the adventure.
49. Not allowed to blow up the Death Star before that snotty farm kid gets his shot.
50. Not allowed to use thermodynamic science to asphyxiate the orcs' cave instead of exploring it first.
51. No longer allowed to use the time machine for booty calls.
52. My bard does not know how to play Inna Godda Davida on marachas.
53. Not allowed to start a drow character weighing more than a quarter ton.
54. Cannot pimp out other party members.
55. Before facing the dragon, not allowed to glaze the elf.
56. No matter how well I roll, a squirrel cannot carry a horse and rider at full sprint.
57. In the middle of a black op I cannot ask a guard to validate parking.
58. Expended ammunition is not a business expense.
59. Not allowed to pose the Netrunner in embarrassing positions when he's on a run.
60. Not allowed to short sheet the bedroll of impotent dieties.
61. Can only taunt the ranger about his lack of swimming after my USCG E8 saves him.
62. I am not allowed to do anything I saw Han Solo do once.
63. No, I cannot buy 10,000 marbles even if I say please.
64. My paladin's battle cry is not "Good for the Good God"
65. There is no Summon Bimbo spell.
66. Not allowed to start a character that speaks every language except ones the party speaks.
67. There is no Kung Fu manuever "McGuire Swings For Bleachers"
68. Bring him back intact includes redundant organs.
69. There is more to wizardry than magic missile. Even if I can do 200 damage automatic with no save.
70. Not allowed to cook up nerve gas in the sink even if the target number is 5.
71. There is no 'annoy' setting on a phasor
72. Not allowed to start a character who is over 100 years old unless he's an elf or dwarf. Humans are right out.
73. Not allowed to name my cudgel Ceremonial Whoopass Stick.
74. My thief's battle cry is not "Run And Live"
75. Nor is it "You take care of the orcs, I take care of the traps"
76. I am not allowed any artistic license while translating.
77. I did not get my super powers from James T. Kirk.
78. Not allowed to commission a pistol that costs more than a sedan.
79. I am not liquid metal.
80. When accepting a challenge for a duel, I must allow the other guy time to find a pistol.
81. A picture of my ex-wife is not an acceptable backup weapon.
82. Victory laps after killing the dragon with my 1d2 bow is considered in poor taste.
83. My gnome does not like big butts and he cannot lie.
84. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying a 220lb pull crossbow.
85. Not allowed to talk my fellow inquisitors into buying an industrial strength flamethrower.
86. Not allowed to make a superhero with a 99% chance of dodging even after the -10 penalty for a successful called shot.
87. There is no such thing as a dwarven katana.
88. My bard does not get a bonus to perform if she is obviously not wearing anything under her tabard.
89. The elf's name is not Legolam.
90. My swashbuckling fop cannot take the flaw Dark Secret: Not Gay
91. A wet towel does not constitute an improvised weapon.
92. The name of the weapon shop is not "Bloodbath and Beyond"
93. I am to remind my DM that he must never, ever give my paladin a dire boar for a mount again.
94. I cannot base my ancient kung fu master on neither Gene Simmons or Bluto Blutarski.
95. I must not put the Thunder God on the spot again.
96. No making up polearms.
97. My one wish cannot be 'I wish everything on this piece of paper was true'
98. There is no such thing as Speed Polka.
99. Not allowed to see if Jedi can parry a shotgun blast with their lightsaber.
100. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't include System Lords.
101. I am not allowed to pave ANYTHING.
102. I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the taxpayer's dime.
103. There is no such thing as a Club +3 of Cup Checks
104. Nor is there a +1 Longsword, +5 against party members.
105. I am not allowed to polymorph anyone into Abe Vigoda.
106. I do not have weapon profiency in cat.
107. There is no such game as Wereshark the Buffet.
108. No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
109. Not allowed to kill a vampire with any part from a DC-10 larger than my car.
110. Not allowed to serenade the party even if my character has an internal tape deck.
111. I did not pick the garrote skill last week from my grandmother.
112. If the gun can't fit through the x-ray machine, it doesn't go on the plane.
113. My Droid is not allowed to paraphrase any Jack Nicholson soliloquy.
114. The Demilich only falls for getting stuffed in the bag of holding once.
115. My musical instrument does not double as a personal flotation device.
116. Not allowed to take a coffee break during the final super villain showdown.
117. I am restricted to memorizing Floating Disc only once per day.
118. I will pick a more traditional paladin weapon instead of a sledgehammer.
119. My character's names cannot be anagrams of playboy playmates.
120. Not allowed to kill another party member with a boomerang again.
121. I am not a contractor for Dragon Cave Cleaning Services Inc.
122. The paladin's alignment is not Lawful ****.
123. Not allowed to forget to mention traps when the powergamer has point.
124. I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of instructions.
125. Lingerie can only snap coincidentally so many times per day.
126. Dwarves do not count as burrowing animals.
127. Not allowed to download AOL 6.0 on the Arasaka mainframe.
128. Polka Gnomes exist only in my mind.
129. Not allowed to name my ship The Antidisestablishmentarianism.
130. I am not authorized to form the head.
131. Not allowed to bet how many times the lich bounces.
132. There is no such feat called "Death Blossom"
133. My acrobat cannot balance on the warlord's head for more than one round.
134. The King's Guards official name is not "The Royal Order of the Red Shirt"
135. I cannot demand payment in electrum, backrubs or bubblewrap.
136. I cannot start the 7th Sea campaign with 3 confirmed Drachen kills.
137. I do not have a scorching case of lycanthropy.
138. If the mere thought of it costs the others sanity, I'm forbidden from doing it.
139. My bard is required to take levels in the perform skill and cannot 'just play by ear'
140. The Dutch language does not exist in the Forgotten Realms.
141. My maid does not know kung fu.
142. Not allowed to give a 4 year old a sugar rush just to jack up the CR later.
143. Not allowed to by a holy symbol for every god just in case one of them is right.
144. There is no such thing as pleather armor.
145. I cannot go back in time to cut in line at the Declaration of Independence so everybody now is asked for their Terrence E. Woczinski when signing documents.
146. Not allowed to play an Australian in any game set before 1600.
147. Hobbits are not allowed to have Norse ancestry.
148. There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't involve tongs.
149. Looting the unguarded baggage train is not considered a glorious victory.
150. Not allowed to create recreational drugs in suppository format.
151. Halflings do not have a racial proficiency with the flamethrower.
152. When the guy is at -9 HP is not the best time for my cleric to convert him.
153. I will not propose to every noblewoman at the royal ball until I crit my charisma check.
154. I am not allowed to rub the monk's head for luck.
155. I am not allowed to rub any part of the elf chick for any reason.
156. When one person forgets to buy rations eating the half-elf is not our first option.
157. Any capital scale weapon is not 'my little friend'.
158. I will not declare myself a god just so I can grant myself spells.
159. Airlocks do not double as trash disposals.
160. I will not load any gatling weapon with nothing but paint rounds.
161. I will not nail every single female party member except for the elf chick played by that creepy guy.
162. What ever monster we just killed is not to be tonight's dinner.
163. Not allowed to try and make a dire version of any dog of the toy breeds.
164. I am not to tattle to the halfling assassin's mom about his career choice.
165. I am forbidden from replacing anything with folger's crystals to see if they notice.
166. Not allowed to bribe the enemy commander into withdrawing with a stolen Elvis LP collection.
167. I was not recruited by Star League for any reason.
168. I was also not recruited by 12 dwarves and a wizard to rob a dragon.
169. I am neither the pagan god nor goddess of fertility.
170. I cannot name my character Xagyg or any anagram thereof.
171. My character's dying words are not allowed to be "Hastur, Hastur, Hastur"
172. At no point can I justify spending force points on a seduction check.
173. I am not allowed to recreate Veers' March of the AT-ATs on Zhentil Keep.
174. There is no use of Shatner's spoken word album that doesn't require a humanity check.
175. I am not directly descended from either Huey Lewis or any member of the News.
176. I cannot make called shots to the plectrum, anvil, stirrup, hammer or Isle of Langerhans.
177. Stinking cloud is a privilege, not a right.
178. There are no profanities in Celestial.
179. Chummer means he is my friend, not that sharks find him tasty.
180. I have neither the touch nor the power.
181. I cannot quote Shakespeare in Crinos.
182. No figuring out the plot and killing the actual villain five minutes into the adventure.
183. There are no rules for cooking corn dogs in any d20 supplement.
184. A starting character has no need for 100gp worth of hemp rope.
185. My bard does not need roadies for a dungeon crawl.
186. No cutting line to be a god.
187. I cannot gain more than three drama die per session for making the GM pee.
188. I cannot play a elf with a scottish accent, nor a cajun dwarf.
189. Tourretes is not a flaw, it is a reason to kill the character at creation.
190. Duel wielding small animals is strictly forbidden.
191. My character is not related in anyway to Boba Fett. This goes double for Star Wars characters.
192. If the gun is best fired using the artillery skill, my character is not allowed to have it.
193. Not allowed to kill vampires with seismic charges.
194. When the other guy picks swords for the choice of weapons, that does not leave me pistols.
195. I cannot use a silent feat enambled power word stun and blame it on the dog.
196. I cannot name a character anything that I can't say politely in another country.
197. My epic level character cannot take on the minor goblin menace to his country just to stay sharp.
198. Not allowed to steal my own soul.
199. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
200. I cannot name my character cliche canon characters from other systems.
201. My thief is prohibited from speaking solely in Cant.
202. Character descriptions cannot contain two of the following words: Slavic, Tonedeaf, Karaoke, Musician.
203. My superhero's strength is not classified as snazzy, neato or bodacious.
204. I am not too sexy for the elf, too sexy for the elf, so sexy myself.
205. My 3rd ed. Red Wizard is not allowed to start a business named Thay Co.
206. I cannot forge a +1 sword of Brad's Min/Maxed Paladin/Monk Slaying.
207. The following weapons are not legal choices in a duel: Steamroller, Nerve Gas, Landmine, Midget.
208. I cannot whine about the crappy selection of magical bec de corbins.
209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
210. My Antipaladin's heraldry is not Mr. Yuk.
211. If at any point if my dwarf takes on the mannerisms of Macho Man Randy Savage, he dies.
212. If the party always starts the adventure in a tavern, I cannot opt to start in a brothel.
213. I am not the patron saint of common sense.
214. There is no prestige class Drizzt Slayer.
215. They do not make heavy weapons in pump action.
216. There is an upper limit to the number of Bozo boostergangers I can get in a Volkswagon.
217. If the weapon is capable of staking vampires hiding behind engine blocks, I can't have it.
218. No matter my alignment, organizing halfling pit fights is a violation.
219. In formal introductions to royalty, I must not introduce my companions as just "The Other Guys".
220. I am not the master of the low blow or the gang up.
221. If I get that Yugo up to 120mph again, that's gonna get some paradox.
222. Druids are not against my religion.
223. I cannot convince the Solo he has a cortex bomb when he really doesn't.
224. I cannot insinuate elf chicks are all easy, even though you never hear about a half gnome do you?
225. I am forbidden from monologuing.
226. Troll bubblegum...bad idea.
227. My last wish cannot be "I wish we were playing another game."
228. I cannot use my time machine to hire Hitler a hooker in 1920, thus avoiding WW2.
229. Not allowed to spontaniously check if the elf can take a punch.
230. There is no such thing as monofilament tooth floss.
231. I am not allowed to do anything that would make a Sith Lord cry.
232. It is not possible to recreate any scene from Dr. Who in Crinos.
233. If I am the medtech it is generally assumed I am going to have skill in medicine.
234. My character does not get d34 HP a level.
235. My Samedi is required to have dots in obfuscate.
236. My character has no need for 24,000 cartons of cigarettes, especially in his neighbor's garage.
237. Not allowed to use more than 3 words per game that the GM has to look up the definition.
238. My bard cannot play or has ever heard of the theremin, didgeridoo or glass armonica.
239. Ditto for the Rockerboy.
240. Any character with more than three skills specializing in chainsaw is vetoed.
241. Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
242. Not allowed to give quicklings Mountain Dew.
243. Cannot cast haste on the king during a long winded speech to get him to hurry the hell up.
244. Not allowed to taunt the rest of the party in 8 different languages because they forgot to take any.
245. Not allowed to attend any opera whose name the GM confuses with a strip joint.
246. I cannot keep selling that creepy guy's always naked elf chick to nomads every chance I get.
247. If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me to keep it a forest.
248. There is no Halfling god of groin shots.
249. If a black op requires me to impersonate an employee, I cannot bill the target for overtime.
250. Superfluous Man is not a viable superhero concept.
Have you done any of these?
# 251: I am not allowed to wear a "I love Hastur" t-shirt in Call of Cthulhu
# 252: Nor am I allowed to wear a "My parents went to Shoggoth, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"-shirt
# 253: Nor the "Shoggoth on the Roof" shirt, or any other such shirts
# 254: I am strictly forbidden to play a skinny, half-orc, barbarian female with Nunchaku as weapon.
# 255: The brooding, dark figure with the hood and raspy voice shouldn't be killed before he's given the party the quest.
# 256: Nor after he's given the party the quest.
# 257: Nor after he's given the party the reward for the quest.
# 258: Just because someone in the group are playing an elf, doesn't give me the right to slap them every 30 minutes.
# 259: I am not allowed to "pull an Army of Darkness", bringing a car, a shotgun and books about chemistry into a fantasy world.
# 260: I am not allowed to act out just how I'd come on to the sexy girl in the bar, at least not when the DM is my friends wife.
Yeah, those I did... the 250 above I've got to do! :D
261. Subtlety does not mean "a smaller bomb."
263. If you must blow up the cineplex then you have to actually send someone who has demoltions to do the job.
265. When your druid unexpectedly polymorphs into a tree...don't eat the fruit, those will be important for when he changes back...
266: Not allowed GIR for my mechanical companion.
267: When they say, "drop it," they do not mean, "throw it in our faces."
268: A human wielding two Fullblades (Or large greatswords for 3.5) is not a viable concept.
269: It is not funny to attack your own party members. No matter how much you laugh.
270: Do not touch the GM's figurine collection.
272. Paladins are not to be eaten.
273. Do not make a character with plus 12 saves at level 7.
274. Cannot make a character based off of the nonexistent love child of Cattie Brie and Drizzt.
275.As 274+can not be named Breunor Do'Urden after his adopted grandpappy
277. There is no such thing as "crack" in D&D.
278. I am no longer allowed to test my new spells on party members. Especially the paladin.
279. Bribing the DM with extra pizza doesn't always work.
280. I am not allowed to name my half-orc barbarian "Sweetums".
281. Or "Twinky-Poo".
282. I am not allowed to give my wizard a stutter.
283. My cleric does not worship "The Great Porcelain God".
284. If the DM decides to allow guns in the Forgotten Realms, I am not to nag him for an AK-47.
285. Or an Uzi.
286. Or a howitzer.
287. Saying "I attack the darkness" for the 1,383rd time will get me pummeled.
288. I must specify that my female half-orc with 3 Charisma is wearing clothing.
289. I am no longer allowed to mention the word "kender".
290. My ranger is not allowed a miniature giant space hamster as an animal companion.
278. Especially not if there are our party-fighters in front of the archer
279.And REALLY don't do it if the DM has heard about "friendly fire"
280. Don' think that anyone in your group has blind-fight-
281. And dont use 280. as an excuse to put darkness over your 5thlevel group batteling with a little army of gobos n orks...
I have to admit everythig of this happend... REALLY I lost a character through friendly fire
292: The group's DMs (myself included) may not base entire campaigns on this:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-200611625836925739&q=dungeons+and+dragons
293: If may bard uses perform (sing), I can not name him MC Hammer and sing "Can't Touch This"
294: If my bard uses Perfom (danse), I can not name him Micheal Jackson.
296. You especially do not pee/deuce in the punch bowl if the oligarchs are there and your wizard friend is running for mayor.
301. Or "Voldemort".
302. I should not refer to the paladin's Holy Avenger sword as "The Butter Knife of Doom".
303. My rogue is not allowed to sneak up behind party members and pull their pants down. Especially not in the middle of combat.
304. Or an audience with the king.
305. I should not whistle "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's off to work we go" in a dwarf colony.
306. I may not declare in a solemn voice "I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds" every single time I throw a fireball.
307. My gnome is no longer allowed to purchase tanglefoot bags.
309: No, we are not there yet.
310: Gods are not to be talked down to.
311: Just because the elven bard acts feminine, does not mean you may question his sexuality.
312: Presidigitation can not increase breast size.
313: 'Yes' is not an acceptible answer to sex.
314: Nor is 'And how'.
315: My bard is not proficient in the electric bass.
316: No, the dragon will not let you ride it.
317: I am not to name my fighters "Meaty McShielderson'.
318: Nor are any characters aloud to have a last name with 'Mc' included.
319: Gnomes and Halflings are not the same, and I should not prove so with quantum mechanics.
320: I am not allowed to have the feat 'Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Holy F*%&!'.
321: Animate Dead is not the same Raise Dead, and may not be used when strapped for cash.
322: I am not allowed to invent anything that has the word 'combustible' included.
323: I am not to insiuate anything about the druid and his animal companion.
324: Likewise about the Paladin and his mount.
325: The Half-Gaint is not an acceptible choice for my Gnome paladin's mount.
326: 'Damn Fine' is not an acceptible Charisma score.
327: 'Pimp Daddy' is not a class.
328: My name is not to mean "Shove it" in any language.
329: 'Exotice Weapon Proficiciency: Enemie's Skull' is not acceptible.
330: Rope is not meant for that.
331: I can not enchant my rations with Flaming to make them self cooking.
332: I may not say that the Elf's Flaming Longsword suits him alittle too well.
333: Flame Strikeis not an acceptible answer to a question.
334: No Pirates.
335: No, I may not worship a god I made myself.
336: Especially not Mindflayer gods of madness.
337: Chutluhu is not my friend.
338: Elmenster is not my slave.
339: It is generally bad pratice to call an Arch Druid a hippy.
340: Any plan that includes 'amnesia dust to the face' is not accpetible.
341: The dog is not there to set of traps.
342: Just because the druid has wildshapped into a puma, does not mean you may ask him who is a good kitty-kitty-kitty.
343: When the king asks you a favor, it is generally in poor taste to tell him "F&*% that! Save your own daughter, d@#$%&*+~!"
344: 'If you can't say anything nice, cast Dominate Person and make them not be an ass' is not an acceptible creedo.
345: "Skill Focus: Your Mom Last Night" does not exist.
346: Any sentence involving 'Skin', 'Bard', and 'Flute', is groudns for beating.
347: 'The Sword of Cleavage' is nothing to giggle at.
348: Presitidigitaion may not be used to harass the dwarf.
349: Just because I could Polymorph the king into a woman, does not make it a good idea.
350: Dinosaurs are never the answer.
351: A statue of me will not be erected if invent the push-up bra.
352: My character would go 'Hehe, he said "erect"...'
353: Just because my character doesn't cut his nails, does not give him a claw attack.
354: I am not a god of anything, much less the god of "Bow Chick Bow Wow".
355: I am not to question Corellon's gender in the presence of elven high-preists.
356: Moradin does not wear dresses.
357: Organ harvesting is not an acceptible proffesion.
358: Cone of Cold is not to be used to preserve an ally when they die.
359: It is especially not to be used preemptivly,
360: Painting 'The King Loves Kobold Women' is not a good plan to break into the castle dungeons to save a friend.
361: 'Dire Human' is not a race.
362: I may not research the spell Power Word: STFU.
363: Quoting of anything from the internet is banned.
Well, thats all for now. And yes, I have done more than half of those. But I aint saying which ones...
-EDIT-
Renumbered them...stupid people posting before me, ruining all that work...
365. Cannot "wink the brown eye" at Iuz from the safety of a Cube of Force.
Who F'ed up the numbering?
367. Warforged are not allowed to worship the Ineffable any more.
368. Changelings are forbidden from changing their gender.
369. Last name cannot be Evilwizardington.
370. Artificers are not permitted to make nukes.
371. Artificers are not permitted to make guns.
372. You can no longer play an artificer.
373. You may not hire an articer to make anything. Actually, you may not hire an artificer, period.
374. You may not take ideas from Penny Arcade, 8-Bit Theater, or VG Cats about how to treat NPCs.
376. Five is right out!
378. No more summoning KISS, no matter how cool they look on the battlegrid.
379. Dirty Deeds (Done Dirt Cheap) is not the best choice of song for inspiring courage.
380. No more gating my paladin to Milwaukee for "sacred wine."
381. I will not undergo a sudden epiphany resulting in a complete alignment change in the middle of planning an important battle - anymore.
382. No more genius orc NPC villains who for some reason cannot rise above the level of "lackey."
383. No more inappropriate comments about the suspicious nature of the relationship of the half-elf brother and sister NPCs... I promise this time.
385: Must not cast grease in front of the king.
386: Or queen.
387: Or that cute bar wench you wanted to look up the skirt of.
388: Gnomes and Halflings are not catapult ammo.
389: Enlarge Person affects your whole person. Not just individual..."limbs".
390: You may not keep a gelatanous cube as a pet.
391: The Tarrasque is not a toy.
For anyone interested calculate the photon density created by the original Continual light spell to get a power rating - per object so enchanted.
http://www.skippyslist.com/skippylist.html
Item # 50 has a special place in my heart because I used knowledge of the quantum relationship between Photons and temperature to destabilize a really wretched campaign (years ago in 1st edition) with a fatuous DM who insisted that Magic was a result of fundamental particles "magions" and that all the rules of Physics still applied.
For anyone interested calculate the photon density created by the original Continual light spell to get a power rating - per object so enchanted.
Oh, now you've got me curious. Shame my only exposure to 1st edition material is currently in another town with the owner. I'll see what I can work out using 3.5 material.
#393: If it warrants yelling "Totally worth it!" upon completion, I can no longer try it.
#394: Winning a grapple check with the dragon does not give me permission to tell it "That's right, b***h!"
#395: Casting knock on party member's pants is not appreciated.
#396: ...especially when your party's surrounded by a crowd of cheering commoners.
#397: ...and your target has 3 Charisma.
#398: Being a gnome is no excuse for carrying a book of dwarven erotica.
#399: ...nor is it an excuse to build an internal combustion engine.
#400: ...even if you originally started out making an automatic makeup applicator.
All of these were from the same adventure.
1-250. I will not plajurize from other people's Livejournal posts.
Ah, so that's where it's from... or is it? MB that guy just copied it from somewhere else. I don't know, I don't care. Not plagiarism, since not only did I never claim it was my own, but I specifically stated otherwise:
This isn't actually my list, but someone showed it to me and I thought it was petty funny.
Ah, so that's where it's from... or is it? MB that guy just copied it from somewhere else. I don't know, I don't care. Not plagiarism, since not only did I never claim it was my own, but I specifically stated otherwise:
And just as I specifically state otherwise, I'll repost the additional 200 he added, just for single-page viewing easiness.
251. I am not the Boogie-Woogie Bugle Boy of Gundam Wing Z.
252. I can not order the Druid to transform and roll out.
253. If the other party members forget to take any food prep skills, not allowed to let them starve to death.
254. I cannot blow 5 paradox in: A police line up, the candy aisle of Krogers, the Miss America Pageant.
255. I cannot create a superhero that can palm the moon.
256. The following cleric domains do not exist: Wet T-Shirts, Atheism, Keggers
257. I cannot wish nobody else gets wishes.
258. There is no such thing as Skyclad Armor 5
259. My Highlander's name cannot be McHammer.
260. Gnomes do not have a racial bonus in bobsled.
261. The Barbarian's name does not translate into "Screams like little sissy girl" in my language.
262. When the GM forces the plot, I cannot make choo-choo noises.
263. Not allowed to attempt to kill the Hutt by pouring salt on him.
264. I cannot use the time machine to go to Ancient Greece where all the women were leather clad, oiled down with big bosoms.
265. It assumed my mechwarrior knows at least what one of the buttons in his cockpit does.
266. At the end of a black-ops, I cannot crank call C-SWAT on the target's phone.
267. I cannot yell "FREEBIRD" every time the bard makes a perform roll.
268. Mr. Welch is not allowed to speak in 3rd person.
269. My character cannot hear the soundtrack.
270. I cannot derail the adventure for a two hour in character discussion on the qualities of rope.
271. Tracheotomies are best left to characters with skills in medicine.
272. No skill allows specializing in defenestration.
273. No matter how smart I make my animal companion, he still can't take the tax accountant skill.
274. I cannot commune with the Gods during peak hours.
275. I must remember at dinner time Rock is not a dwarven delicacy.
276. I must remember at dinner time Log is not an elven delicacy.
277. My half-ogre cannot surprise the halflings with spontaneous games of dodgeball.
278. Anything the DM has to ponder the full impact of for more than a minute is forbidden.
279. I cannot base any elf off of any British Prime Minister.
280. Thermonuclear hand grenades do not exist in any genre except Paranoia.
281. I cannot get emotionally attached to any generic nondescript unnamed NPC.
282. Even if laughter is the best medicine, it still doesn't restore any of my HP.
283. I have been assured with total certainty Ralph is not a Japanese name.
284. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
285. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse the hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
286. No character of mine can start with 400 previous convictions for any misdemeanor.
287. When asked for advice before a fight "Don't wet yourself in public" is not what they were looking for.
288. I cannot name my character after another PC already in this game.
289. My character does not have the flaw Addiction: Helium.
290. I cannot figure that the dungeon we're in is the Pac-Man maze and point it out to the rest of the party.
291. I cannot form a huddle to discuss strategy before facing the final monster in the dungeon.
292. I cannot take all the monsters I've killed to the taxidermist after the adventure.
293. Clowns shoes have no place in a dungeon crawl.
294. My dwarf is not claustrophobic, likewise, my elf is not agoraphobic.
295. When my enemy blinks does not give me an attack of opportunity.
296. I cannot make called shots with a crew served weapon.
297. I cannot hand out artillery flares to the bad guys on New Years and tell them they are roman candles.
298. Sprechen Sie Bang-Bang? is not real German.
299. I do not get any XP for anyone I kill by stampeding sheep.
300. I cannot give the rebel operatives the codenames Luke, Han, Chewie or Yoda.
301. "Well Hung" is not a physical, social or mental trait.
302. A gimp suit does not count as leather armor.
303. I cannot gradually describe my character more and more until it's obvious I'm describing Burt Reynolds.
304. My life long nemesis is not allowed to be the unsuspecting cleric sitting across the table from me.
305. Anything my character does that ends up as errata I am retroactively prohibited from doing.
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
307. Even if he can use them from the start, my barbarian can't specialize in fencing weapons.
308. A Mao suit is not proper garb for my shugenja.
309. I cannot cast invisibility on random household items like car keys, tea sets and bear traps.
310. I cannot spend all my points on just followers.
311. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot start the game as pope.
312. I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
313. My British Superspy does not get a reroll on his seduction check if his shirt gets ripped off.
314. Under 'Religion' I cannot put 'Xenu'.
315. My gnome cannot save point on the ride skill simply by asking for piggyback rides everywhere.
316. My character is not allowed to commit suicide five minutes into the campaign.
317. My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
318. Vampiric cows are not the fast food innovation of the future.
319. My character does not have the flaw: Dark Secret- I'm Kilroy.
320. The Sultan does not want a treasure bath.
321. The monk's official title is Brother of the Lotus Path. Not the Slap Happy Jappy.
322. My bard knows more songs than just "I Saw Your Mommy"
323. I cannot start the game with a highly contagious deadly disease.
324. I cannot start the game pregnant.
325. Even if he was a paragon of humanity in his alternate dimension, Good Hitler is not an appropriate superhero concept.
326. Cannot accumulate 200 points of flaws for Hackmaster.
327. I am not allowed to decide which one of us is the Chosen One.
328. I cannot keep my phaser on disintegrate just because it's the coolest setting.
329. Not allowed to spoil the plot by simply removing the hinges on the door.
330. The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
331. I cannot invoke Consecrate Weapon on a Man of War
332. I cannot spend character points to buy imaginary friends.
333. I cannot fistinate anybody, whatever the hell that means.
334. Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
335. When installing cyberware, can't install the Clapper as a built in feature.
336. Cannot start a Cthuhlu character with a pre-existing hatred of books, altars and cutlery.
337. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot control 20,000 pigeons and use them as flying piranha.
338. Any character named El Robotico Jiraffe de Fuego is begging to be vetoed.
339. Can't avoid going on an epic quest with the excuse "Can't find a sitter"
340. I cannot start the game married to another PC without their consent.
341. Not allowed to declare myself a free agent and take offer from other adventuring parties.
342. After the first adventure I cannot write a tell all book about the party.
343. I must remember royalty do not share the same love of parody as my bard.
344. No matter how much I make my IQ roll by, I can't make the other guy's head explode.
345. I don't have weapon proficiency in elf, either.
346. I most certainly don't have weapon proficiency in a Phased-plasma rifle in the forty watt range.
347. If I'm not the decker, I can't do anything I saw in Tron once.
348. The rest of the party appreciates it if I don't start the game in Cyberpsychosis.
349. Power Word: Beer Me is not a real spell.
350. I am not allowed to buzz ANYTHING.
351. I cannot take skill Profession: Ecdysiast
352. When I choose my wizard's familar, Belgians are not a legal choice.
353. I cannot pick a Destroid that makes the Veritech pilots feel inadequate.
354. Tricking the party into killing each other off and then turning in their corpses for the bounty is frowned upon.
355. My monk's battlecry is not "Round 1: Fight!"
356. No matter how well I roll, the Quack skill is not a substitute for the Doctor skill.
357. I cannot disassemble a car in under 5 minutes.
358. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot make a character that gets double XP per game for showing up.
359. Killing quicklings with marbles only works once.
360. I must remind the GM that my Blessed can Raise Dead before he runs another murder mystery again.
361. It is not feasible for my Archer to recreate Hudson's Last Stand.
362. It is very unlikely my half-ogre and the half-elf, half-dragon, tiefling and aasimar have the same dad.
363. When challenged to a showdown, I'm meant to face him at 10 paces with pistols, not 10 blocks with a Sharpe's Big .50.
364. I am to avoid killing, upstaging or seducing historical characters.
365. Not allowed to setup the main villain with the mad scientist's sister.
366. Female minotaurs do not have udders. This issue is closed.
367. No using excessive firepower to force the plot along.
368. My teleporter cannot stop the alien invasion with just the law of displacement, laws of motion, and a huge freakin' asteroid.
369. Not supposed to stop the soon to be cyberpsycho by disassembling him earlier in the adventure.
370. What happens in Sigil does not always stay in Sigil.
371. No thinking up new, creative and fun uses for cursed items.
372. Cannot start the game blitzed, especially if I was stone sober at the last game break.
373. It is bad form for the queen to see my nipples.
374. I am not to combine the advantage Fearless and the disadvantage Curious in the same character again.
375. Killing the building does not add to my body count.
376. The barbarian must remember that 'human shield' is a figure of speech.
377. My character is required to have a minimum wisdom of 10, that way I have no excuses.
378. I can cannot give my character the moniker "Tim the Barbarian". Especially since he's the bard.
379. I am to stop asking the elf to put a good word in for me with Santa.
380. I cannot use the ventriloquism skill to convice the fighter his new sword is a magical talking one.
381. Min/Max for combat=good. Min/Max for accounting=bad.
382. I can't bet the power gamer he can't solo the module.
383. It is not ok to use 10,000 rounds to kill two sentries.
384. The titles "Viking" and "Obstretrician" are mutually exclusive.
385. All characters will use the bathroom before the dungeon crawl.
386. The following words are not legal for the command spell: Prognosticate, theorize, notarize.
387. I cannot give magic items super easy commands words like 'is' or 'the' and activate when you say them.
388. Pursue means chase after, not just make called shots to the knees.
389. My samurai is not required to commit seppuku if he fails to hit the monster.
390. My character's background must be more indepth than a montage of Queen lyrics.
391. A starting paladin has no conceivable use for industrial lubricant.
392. I am forbidden to see when halflings or gnomes bounce higher.
393. If I can fit my head down the gun's barrel, I can assume it doesn't have the non-lethal option.
394. If the light spell expires, no lighting the dwarf.
395. I cannot have any weapon that requires me to crank start it first.
396. I will refrain from using wildly inaccurate high explosive weapons in close quarters.
397. I will not tell new players that 1st level characters do not have a scent as a defense mechanism.
398. No matter what popular media says, harpoons are not proper ninja weapons.
399. When I have to pick a starting dementia, Stockholm Syndrome is not appropriate.
400. Check the door means to listen at it, not put several rounds through it.
401. When a virgin sacrifice is demanded I will not look knowingly at the paladin, netrunner or Hermetic.
402. No matter how many people I need to feed, I will not use MDC weapons to fish.
403. My rigger does not get a bonus if his log in code is up, down, up, down, left, right, left, right, A, B, A, B, Start.
404. No subcontracting dungeon crawls.
405. I will not name my character for the power gaming campaign Generic Cleave Path Fighter #7.
406. The first rule of Finnegan school is not "Do not talk about Finnegan school"
407. I will not blow all my starting funds on hookers and booze.
408. If I have to sacrifice my fifth dot in resources to afford it, I can't have that gun.
409. I will not cast darkness at the magic missile.
410. If the NPC is on the cover of the rulebook, I can't kill him.
411. It is bad form to shoot a god while he's monologuing.
412. I will not try to skip to the main boss dressed like a singing telegram.
413. The chaotic neutral alignment is forever closed to me.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian.
415. My archmage will not join a party running Keep on the Borderlands as a ringer.
416. I will not substitute accuracy with enthusiasm.
417. The solution to all my problems is not Crinos.
418. Steel toe boots do not add to my AC.
419. Spankings generally will not change evil alignments.
420. "For the King" is an example of a good battle cry. "Smoke the Mother" is not.
421. I will not convince the GM's noob GF to play a psychotic combat monster.
422. My marital status does not affect in anyway my fear checks.
423. Even if the rules allow it, I cannot play a duck.
424. I cannot liven up the adventure with snappy musical numbers. Even if they did it on the TV show.
425. Chainsaws and butter churns filled with bees do not use the same weapon skill.
426. Thirty minutes after a massive battle against Cathayans I am not bloodthirsty again.
427. I cannot do anything I saw Jackie Chan do once. Even if I am in Home Depot at the moment.
428. I will never create a plan that first hinges on the invention of velcro.
429. If the character isn't deaf, his only language cannot be AMSLAN.
430. Spray paint is not a substitute for proper camouflage.
431. We will not implement any battle plan that includes the underlined words "And hope they miss a lot"
432. Cannot put anything featuring Calvin on my starfighter.
433. I will not find a peaceful solution to the adventure just to **** off the power gamer.
434. Never again will I convince a player to keep a character nicknamed "Stumpy McLunger"
435. No bribing the DM's new GF with chocolate so he'll go easy on us.
436. Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn't give me the right to start an HMO.
437. From now on my Highlander will refrain from dancing the Can-Can.
438. The ability to afflict everyone in 150' with herpes is not an acceptable super power.
439. I will not start the game as a toddler just to rack up massive stat bonuses as I age.
440. I am forbidden from trying to merge the best features of automatic weapons and manual transmissions.
441. There is an upper limit on the number of people a bullet will go through.
442. When told to be subtle, playing a foul mouthed chain smoking squirrel is not a good choice.
443. Zombies are not infectious in D&D. So I should stop shooting PCs in the head if they are bitten.
444. Whether it's fair or not, my thief will not insist we take turns checking for traps.
445. I will not admonish my fellow paladin with 'a little less lawful, a little more good'
446. Ninjas are not ablative.
447. If the NPC is critical to the plot later, I cannot crit him 4 times in one round.
448. I will not attempt to unionize the brutes.
449. I will not switch to an entirely new class every single time I level.
450. When told to distract the villainess, they didn't mean with a surprise marriage proposal.
Add 200 to each of these when adding new ones to account for our new entries. This puts the next one at 651.
Add 200 to each of these when adding new ones to account for our new entries. This puts the next one at 651.
Don't you mean to add 150?
348: Presitidigitaion may not be used to harass the dwarf.
THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S NOT!
f!&#*$&&#& bards.....
I should have told him "no healing for you!"...
Wow... this might actually hit 1001, unlike any of the other 1001 threads.
852: You may no longer ask anyone if you can use them to "Vault" the Wall/NPC.
853: Kobolds are not "Animal Companions"
854: Nor are Goblins, Orcs, Hobgoblins, Bugbears, or any of the PC's, regardless of their Int score.
855: No he can't do that, they have Acid that can eat through peoples Skulls.
856: No you can't agree to go along with it just for kicks.
857: Yes the King whould mind, and more so I think the villagers whould too.
858: No longer allowed to use Daggers or Shortswords... EVER!
859: Things of that Nature are never to be spoken of ever again.
890: You are not to Question the DM on the PC (DM's GF) survived the Dragons Rage... stop looking at me like that...
891: No glaring at the DM!
303. My rogue is not allowed to sneak up behind party members and pull their pants down. Especially not in the middle of combat.
304. Or an audience with the king.
305. I should not whistle "Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's off to work we go" in a dwarf colony.
i have done those, the dwaves locked me in a cuboard
I had a dwarf one time, and he would sing "hi-ho. hi-ho, to kick some ass I go" before battle.
I once unleashed Dwarven pirates, who screamed "Hi-HO!" as their battle cry when swinging from ship to ship.
892: Must not strap stowaway rogues to ballista bolts to send them to the other ship in a naval battle.
893. The bard is not allowed to suggest that the chimera "find out which head is the best."
894. The bard is not allowed to repeatedly suggest to the sphinxes in maze until they fail their will saves a give the party a hint to the answer to its riddle.
895. The bard is not allowed to not stop inspiring courage for an entire adventure.
896. The bard is not allowed to use bardic music. Period.
897. The druid is not allowed to transmute the enemies armor from metal to wood for an instant kill via woodshape and an iron maiden effect.
898. The druid may not cast animal messenger on a squirrel designating the destination as inside the enemy's pants.
899. Especially not when intending to cast animal growth on the squirrel before it gets there.
These all have came up.
902. Claiming that the rogue with the Rakshasa bloodline is descended from furries will get you sneak attacked.
903. Taking levels in Warshaper to become immune to sneak attacks so that you may mock the rogue is forbidden.
904. You may not take levels in Drunken Master ever again.
905. Your cleric cannot worship Pun-Pun.
906. Taking levels in Beastmaster to try to control the catfolk is not permitted.
907. Trying to change the True Name of fellow party members to things that insult them is forbidden.
908. If you have to ask, you can't.
910: When the DM "only" takes your hand after touching said sphere, do not say "That's not fair!"
911: Having a Critical Fumble chart in a game where a character is Monkey Gripping a Great Axe with a STR of 22 does not make it more fun!
912: No more asking a drunk to beat up your CIA agent... which will then lead to dirty jokes later on involving a PVC pipe.. (trust me, it's funny and oh so wrong!)
913: Don't cast Sleep on the dwarf in the middle of a fight, and when he wakes up let him think he's a berserker and killed all the enemies while everyone else ran away.
914: Said dwarf should never jump into the sewage to get the glowing stone the wizard dropped...
915: ...and then be allowed to walk through the city yelling the names of the wanted criminals he happens to be traveling with while stinking of sewage.
916: Forgetting to tell people your about to turn into a lycantrophe when you know perfectly well you should is not acceptable.
917: If you sell your soul you may not trick a party member into switching bodies with you for the fun of it.
918: Don't ever call Asmodeus: "the ugly horned guy with the big red rod."
919: Bealzebub doesn't taste nice, no matter what kind of food your character prefers.
920: Dunking friendly PC's or NPC's in lava to give them "Crispy skin with natural armor class." isn't a good idea.
921: Thinking that they have any skin left at all after that is infact stupid.
922: Just becouse your character has an Int score of 3 doesn't give you the right to go nova for a one turn kill on friendly PC's or NPC's.
923: Do not spill your food onto your wizard friend when your about to face an aspect of Tiamat.
924: Insulting the DM's favorite NPC or Deity is not good idea.
925: You do not get to control creatures you have summoned, that goes double if you for any stupid reason have summoned an Archfiend.
926: Doing something from this list because you "Forgot the title" is not a valid excuse.
927: There is infact no valid excuse for doing something from this list.
928: That goes double.. no tripple for 926 and 927.
929: You do not get to ruin the plot by making a stupid pun inbetween.
930: You are not allowed to make stupid puns, period!
931: If you can do 386 damage in one turn on level 5 without being Pun-Pun your character needs to be nerfed even if it was a double crit.
(YES I'M TALKING TO YOU LITTLE MIDGET FEEL YOUR CHAR GETTING NERFED!!)
(no seriusly I have a PC that did that, and the PC's owner is in fact a midget I might add.)
932: It is not a good idea for your character to cheat on his GF if the GF is a Ancient wyrm Darkness dragon.
933: You cannot use a Behir to power your laser gun.
934: You cannot use stink imps as thrown weapons that deal poison gas damage.
935: Kenku's are not allowed to fly no matter how birdlike they are!!!
936: You are to NEVER EVER abuse teleport in any way.
937: The DM decides what is abusing teleport, not you!!
ARGH numbered one short.. next is 939 not 938.
940. said druid may not have an elf cohort and followers who all possess craft: toy making
941. No using parts of dead PCs to lure the Tarrasque to the lair of the BBEG
942. No animal companions the GM has to call a zoo/biologist to confirm the existence of
943. You may not awaken the bush baby, or let it take levels in psion
944. When adventuring with a half-elf, half-roc, half-hobgoblin, and half-dragon, the Dwarf is not allowed to claim he is racially pure
945. Rust monsters may no longer be kept as pets
946. A bag of flour tied to the end of a pole arm is not a rogue on a stick
947. ...no you may not tie the rogue to the end of a pole arm or any other PC for that matter
948. Do not offer to give anyone an enema using a decanter of endless water
949. No inferring the female caster is using wands as sex toys
950. no suggesting that she do so either
951. No using irresistible dance to put on a production of Lord of the Dance
952. No referring to the ring of invisibility as "my precious"
953. No more licking opponents while grappling
954. Using mage hand to goose the princess during court is forbidden
955. “Create water” and “wet t-shirt contest” may not be used in the same sentence
956. The Paladin’s bag of holding is not a toilet
957. Despite appearances, the elf is not a cabana boy
958. Selling chocolate covered crickets is ok; selling chocolate covered poison dart frogs is not
959. You are no longer allowed to wild shape while visiting a brothel
960. The wizard may not craft house slippers of spider climb nor a bath robe of useful things
962:...or make a special scabard to hold said gnome in
963: I am not allowed to sneack up behind the party's female elf and "support her flank"
964: No reading the "1,001 pranks to play on your DM" thread
965: No reading the "1,001 ways to tell your an evil DM" thread
967. I may not drop a sack full of Beads of Force on the enemy fortification.
"Magic spheres: In one campaign we fould 30 balls of multiple colors. There was one white ball that turned the user into a rabbit when it was thrown. From then on we kept him in a little cage and renamed him "Todd the little fart bunny" because he was allowed to fart whenever he wanted, and that was all he could do. We never used the rest of the balls."
967: Never fart WITH the fart bunny.
968: Never play with balls. White or otherwise.
972. I may not "marry" the captured gnoll when playing said Hill Giant.
973. I may not describe in detail the honeymoon of said wedding between Hill Giant and Gnoll.
974. Marriage is not defined as being between a Charmed Hill Giant and a captured Gnoll.
975. Outhouses are not appropriate places to dispose of bodies.
976. Putting a big rock in the outhouse is not "A dwarven tradition for good luck" before leaving a roadside Inn whose cook just dissappeared.
970: Never cross pits while being chased by orc
975: Never cross pits whild drunk and being chased by an orc.
These are important to know. Once i broke these rules, fell into a pit, and got eaten alive by a second orc.
I have a tendancy to get eaten by orc.
977. Especially by trying to figure out what a decanter of endless water is.
978. Do not make zombies out of the said squirrels that live near the local druid.
979. Do not put people on endless staircases.
982: My Drunken Master is no longer allowed to pick a fight to the death with the king of a nation
983: My Drunken Master can no longer be the new king of that nation
984: Most important, my Drunken Master can no longer call his new nation "Asskickia" and force all experts to make him alchohol.
985. Pyrokinetecist is banned from now on. You are not allowed to play a wizard who specializes in fire spells either.
I so want to hear what you guys did to get this.
987: To be sure, his name can't be Honda Kawasaki.
988: He can't wear Leather Armor with intricate ruins carved in it either.
989: No, for the last time, he can't call his magical steed, "Vroom".
990: No, he isn't into "flexible weapons either".
991: Just because Einstein showed space is warped, it doesn't mean your players' characters need to be totally warped as well.
992: No fat rouges or fat barbarians called "Fastfood and the Grey Muncher" are ever allowed.
993: When in doubt, the rouge is not to be thrown into the corridor to set off traps.
994: 8 Strength Wizards make poor melee backups for armored Dwarven Paladins.
995: In a battle of wits between the 8 Int, 22 Str Half-Orc Barbarian and the 22 Int, 8 Str human Wizard, never bet on the human Wizard. It won't really matter how smart they are.
996: Ther is no such thing as "Monster Summoning 1/2". Yelling "Hey Monster" doesn't always get them to come on down, but it may gaurentee they know you're there.
997: In a party with no Rouges, having the heaviest armored fighter makes a poor replacement.
998: High level Druids should not be mocked and called out as "Nature Boy/Girl".
999: When preparing spells for undead, Enchanments just don't work.
1000: There is no such thing as a good god who makes their home on the plane of Hades.
and last but not least:
1001: Tying the halfling/gnome up and using them as bait is not a good thing to do even if you're trying to check for monsters at the bottom of a deep, dark underground lake.
I so want to hear what you guys did to get this.
You know how you have to set something on fire just to watch it burn?
Forget that. No one cared about Sharn anyway.
You know how you have to set something on fire just to watch it burn?
Forget that. No one cared about Sharn anyway.
Nice, I loved that requirement, my friend's pyro burned the hometown of the rogue that tried to steal his money.
Coincidentally, I moved to Droamm recently.
1002: You may not bring alcohol to the game in order to get "more in character" with your Drunken Master PC.
1003: You may not use a Flesh to Stone potion and paint to create a garden gnome out of the party's dwarf. Especially when said dwarf is the party's cleric and healer.
1004: The king's daughter must be returned to him in one piece and breathing in order to receive the reward.
1005: You are forbidden from ever again playing characters with evil alignments.
1007: When you come across the telepathic underwater race that likes to sing in their heads (and yours), you do not teach them the underwater song from "Mario Bros."
1008: Applying real-world physics to D&D is a bad idea.
1009: The soldier/mercenary should not be the planner.
1010: Especially since said soldier shall adjust battle plans to try and make use of the most recent weapons he got his hands on.
1011: Shoving C-4 down the target's pants is not a viable combat option.
1012: Screaming at the dragon that he is a ***** for not coming over and fighting you is a bad idea.
1013: I am no longer allowed to play an Epic alchemist
1014: I am no longer allowed to play any outsider. (unless the DM feels like punishing themselves.)
1015: When infiltrating an enemy facility, you will make sure the intrusion team has lockpicking, searching, and stealth skills. You will not wait until you are inside the base to reveal any shortcomings in this area.
1016: The rogue should not be the first to charge into a fight with an Elder Brain, a Necromancer, and an Illithid Paladin of Tyranny/something.
1017: Said rogue should not try to run across a room filled with symbols after dispelling just one.
1018: A VOP/VONV Warhulk is a bad idea, no matter how funny it is to be dealing 200 subdual damage each turn.
That's all that comes to mind.
1021: Never eat Todd the Fart Bunny (see above) He gives you horrid indigestion.
1022: Never eat the DM, its bad karma.
1024: Never purchase a hobo in a city, even if he is for sale.
1025: Never make refrences to Fairly OddParents in a game full of college students.
1026: Never attempt to summon a hobo, stripper, or dying pirate.
1028 - Platemail does not have holes, if you need to "go potty" wait/
1029 - Never try to mount a horse while drunk
1030 - Never play D&D while stoned, drunk, high, or if you have a sudden urge to dance like Brittney Spears
You know, I'm beginning to hate the guy who wrote those originals. Not because he isn't funny. He's funny as hell. But because I had a guy in my game for years who did so many of these same things and more, because he too thought he was so damned hilarious. And as funny as they seem when you don't have to deal with them, they make for a player so disruptive that he can only be called a "monster." I refer to my own guy in some of my posts as The King of All Disruptive Players, but I'm starting to think the guy who wrote these in his webjournal might be the true owner of that title.
On the other hand, I'm guilty of most of the ones I stated in my own earlier post, so I haven't always been the best little boy either. That said, in honor of my own KoADP (who is no longer in my game), here are a few of his own golden moments:
1031. Dropping trou and aiming my polished keister at an incoming fireball is not the wisest defense.
1032. Jumping up on the lap of the Duke/Baron/King and slapping his face just to see if the DM will react to it is not fair to my character or to the party.
1033. Likewise, refusing to allow my Neutral or Good character to relinquish his weapon when captured by goodly authorities because I want to see if the DM will really kill my character, is not likely to work if I have already told the DM that I am just trying to see if he will really kill my character.
1034. Crapping on the faces of fallen enemies so often and with such proficiency that a feat is created to accommodate it, is probably a waste of a good feat slot.
1035. A raw, blood-filled stirge does not make for "good eatin'!"
1036. The character of the wife of the DM is not "The Wife of God."
1037. A female monk is not necessarily a "nun."
1038. Sleeping with a farmer's daughters is not "a deed to be sung of for generations by bards far and wide."
1039. All drow do not speak like Samuel L. Jackson, Sherman Hemsly or Shirley Hemphill.
1040. The common denominator of a low Wisdom score is not a satisfactory answer as to why all of my characters exhibit the exact same disruptive behavior.
1041. Therefore, I cannot be angry when somebody identifies my calling one of my characters by another of my character's names as a "Freudian Slip."
1043. I am not allowed to criticize the art in the king's foyer.
1044. I am not allowed to plan the poisoning of the well in the middle of the village we plan to poison.
1045. I am not allowed to kill the king.
1046. I am not allowed to do bad things because jail is more fun.
1047. I am not allowed to be evil anymore, because I end up killing things at inopportune moments.
1049) Especially if said plan stays true to its name.
1050) Elven villages are not all like L.A. except everyone is androgenous.
1051) Dwarves do have women. Therefore, I am no longer able to ask if they reproduce via cellular fission.
1052) If a sword as more enchantments than the party has letters in all thier collective names, I am not allowed to have it.
1053) I cannot make Brilliant Energy Bastard Sword that hums and glows blue and name it "the Blade of Copyright Infringment".
1054) I am not Obi-Wan, and cannot do what he does.
1055) No matter how many ranks I have in Diplomacy, I can not convince people to change their sexual orientation.
1056b) At least not before epic.
1057) A horse is a horse, of course of course. But they are still suceptible to Polymorph like everything else, so I should stop bringing it up.
1058) Power Word: Pun is not an Epic Spell. Or a spell at all.
1059) Even if I am an Outsider, I cannot summon myself with Summon Monster.
1060) The DM doesn't care how many similarities there are, I cannot have a Warlock with Blue Full Plate named Mega Man.
1061) I am to refrain from calling every NPC "Mr. Expendable Body".
1062) Even if I did name my rouge Jerry Sienfeld, saying "Sneak attacks, whats up with that?" is still heavily forwned upon.
1064. I am not allowed to increase the character's number of fingers to compensate.
1065. I may not design a spell called Power Word, Baby-killer.
1066. I may not design a spell that creates an exploding baby.
1067. I may not use Suggestion to set up the dragon for a coup de grace, no matter how I word it.
1068. I may not dominate the enemy and make him break his staff of power.
1069. I may not use my fullblade to tunnel through rock.
1070. I may not use Bestow Curse to strip an enemy of his sense of touch.
1071. Taking energy ray potshots at passing fish does not give me xp.
1072. I may not kill Drizzt.
1073. I may not drop Drizzt's corpse into Silverymoon from a mile up.
1074. I may not team up with Kezef.
1075. I may not attempt to develop an epic spell titled One Ring To Rule Them All.
1076. When a god snaps his fingers, I may not bring up the Adams Family.
1077. Even if the god snaps both fingers twice each.
1078. I may not palm a merchant's rapier while talking to him.
1079. Sonic-substituted Lightning Bolt is not an appropriate subsitute for Open Lock.
1080. Rod of Wonder is not my primary weapon.
1081. I may not combine called headshots with Great Cleave
1083. I may not attack the paladin.
1084. Even if he did start randomly attacking a "poor defensles" woman and we are hunting a doppleganger.
1085. Gnomes are not for ballast.
1086. It is improper to begin speculating witht he gnome about the creation of a ballista to fire dwarves att eh enemy while waiting for battle.
1087. Especially if the dwarf is the party healer.
1089. Not allowed to let the gnomish illusionist get hungry right before a battle where his illusions are the key strategy.
1090. Especially if we want to avoid giant floating carrots.
1091. The Drow are not my friends, and I should not say so around palladins.
1092. Pirates are not my friend either, even if I'm one too.
1093. Not allowed to make an elf whos only familiarity witht eh elven language is the word idiot.
1094. No I should not explain why my elf speaks goblin instead of elf.
1095. I am not to use this ability to barter witht he enemy.
1096. I should never again make a rich hobbit cobbler.
1097. No I should not question the paladins sexuality.
1098. Nor should I question anyone with a great axe and a spell book.
1099. Never allowed to intergate the prisinors while the paldin is looking, expecially if rope and a tree are involved.
1100. May never create another elf raised by humans.
1101. No the DM is not as evil as I am, no the chest could not have that many traps on or around it, they could not fit int he room.
1102. Never allowed by myself unless unlocking chest or going to the bath room.
1103. Never allowed by myself, especially if unlocking a chest or going to the bathroom.
1104. Do not scream goblin curse words int eh middle of town.
1105. Expecially if doing so invokes the name of the god of thieves, and the paladin is standing next to you.
P.S. All of the above actually happened. Also it IS permissible to use "Soylent Green is People" as a command word.
One that a friend of mine did... just now thought of it:
261. Subtlety does not mean "a smaller bomb."
This has my vote for the best entry on this thread! 
1107. Both rogues in a party must discuss who has which skill before attempting an infiltration.
1109. ...and by that same token, I have to acknowledge the fact that I cannot complete a $40 module in 24 hours of in-game time, no matter how well I roleplay
1110. Craft (False Documentation) is not a substitute for Forgery.
1111. Craft (Information) is not a substitute for a Gather Information check or a Bluff check
1112. By my order, I am no longer allowed to DM my younger brother. EVER.
1113. I am forbidden to eat my enemies in hopes of gaining the paragon template.
(not DnD)
1114. I am not allowed, by my own order, to play a superhero with a sonic blast powered by normal speech.
1116: Especialy not after taking a nifty dagger that "talks to me"
1117: And a medalion that lets another demon comunicate with me whenever he wants
1118: And hide a glowing "egg" in the trunk of a tree...
1119: When the same rogue dies, I WILL sit quietly in my cage while the four demons argue over who REALLY gets to keep my soul.
1120: After having had two different demons take control of my body, I will not complain/argue when said rogue is forced to "spend the night" with a decreped old crone.
....gods... I REALLY screwed up that character... seriously... it was bad...
1122. I am not allowed to play an elf-orc with the above back story.
1123. I am not allowed to play an elf-orc at all, regardless of whether I took the liberty of creating balanced racial mods for one.
1124. As a matter of fact, I am not allowed to play half-breeds of any sort, particularly those not already found in an official sourcebook. The half-kobold is right out, as is the pixie-kobold.
1125. My bard may not inspire courage by singing any song written by a current female pop artist.
1126. Actually, my bard may no longer sing any song from a contemporary time period.
1127. Bruce Springsteen is not the great philosopher of our day, and my bard should refrain from quoting his songs with the prefix "A great philospher once said..."
1128. I am not to assume ANY npc wants my bard to sign ANY part of her body.
1129. I am not allowed within 1000 ft of a Rod of Wonder.
1130. Justifying my characters' actions with ranks in Profession (Disrupt Campaign) is not acceptable.
1131. Perform (Crowd Surfing) is not a skill.
1132. There is a maximum limit of 15 on a skill check of Perform (Moccarina).
1133. A rogue with ranks in Profession (Healer) gives me no special healing powers and is not an acceptable alternative when it's my turn to play the party healer.
1132. Creating my own skills is not acceptable.
1133. There is no Craft skill that will allow me to create disco balls.
1134. I am not to roleplay my animal companions.
1135. The party should not be required to talk my character out of suicide more than three times in any given gaming session.
1136. I am not allowed to try to talk any of my companions into a mass cult suicide.
1137. I keep my own intelligence score when wild shaped, and "survival instincts" is not a reason to attack the wizard.
1139: Never throw a fireball where a fellow figher with only very few HP left is standing, even if it kills all the bad guys around him. The fighter (´s player) might get too upset. For a good reason.
1140: Never marry a Lathander-priest if you don´t want children.
1141: Never nudge a high priestess of Lloth just because you are in a good mood.
1142: If you are told not to attract attention, having one character with golden mohican and charisma 20 and one with a blue mohican and charisma 8 and a goblin-wererat with charisma 7 enter the tavern won´t do the job. Even more so if you "intervene" in a pub fight straight away.
1144) My bard cannot be Fred Durst
1145) ...nor Varg Vikernes
1146) ...and especially not Pete Doherty
1147) My monk cannot be a rastafarian capoieran
1148) I cannot bake cookies for our enemies
1149) I don't have a skill called Craft (soft plushy aberrations)
1150) My spellcaster can't have a Grey Render that thinks its a cat
1151) I cannot invent Orc Metal
1152) I cannot convince the entire party to play the great aberration races described in Lords Of Madness, and then roleplay them as the characters from Friends
1153) I cannot play a CG double-scimitar wielding Drow ranger who is constantly haunted by a ghostly incorporeal © logo
1154) Cannot be a Cleric of either Bill Bailey or Ross Noble
1155) I cannot keep a Lantern Archon and an Imp on my shoulders
1156) My epic wizard demi-god can under no circumstances recreate the cast of Homestar Runner.com
1157) ...nor can he create a Demiplane called 'Strongbadia' or 'Free Country U.S.A.'
1158) ...the same goes for Order Of The Stick
1159) Flipping off my opponents is not a viable somatic component
1160) I cannot start any in-game joke with 'A Dwarf, Elf and Orc walk into a tavern...'
1161) If I ascend to god-hood your portfolio cannot under any circumstances include Curries, Sandwiches and Red Bull
1162) I cannot threaten the parties enemies by sending a letter revealing our cunning plan 24 hours in advance
1163) If anyone ever points out any glaring logical mistakes I might have suggested my character cannot make a "LA, LA, LA I Cant hear you!" check
1164) I cannot cook 'Cockatrice Korma'
1165) I cannot gather cohorts to create a UKTV Pseudonatural channel
1166) After what happened last time I cannot ever under-pain-of-death own a Girdle Of Gender Changing
1167) I cannot breed a Smiley Elemental
1168) Never roleplay a character as though he were Sean Connery's character in The Rock. Namely if said character is dangling thousands of feet above lava-filled hell pit and a fellow party member shouts if your okay, he cannot reply in kind "yes i'm fine you
ing idiot" 1169) I cannot play a Kobold who was raised by Kender and is Driz'zts biggest number #1 all-time fan
1170) I cannot create a class called Necropimp
1171) ...and even if I could there isn't a chance in hell I could have a 10 strong harem of undead ladies
:D
1173) My Shadowcrafter can not give the rest of the party morale bonuses by creating their ideal sex partners using enhanced Shadow conjurations the night before.
*rider: combining 1172 and 1173 is possibly the only way I'd be allowed to get away with 1172 as no actual beings are involved*
1174) (from 2nd ed) My Wild mage is no longer allowed to fill any and all his spell slots with Reckless Dweomer spells.
1175) My Wild mage is no longer allowed to make magic items and forget what he is making halfway thru , thus creating possibly the only Vorpal Hammer in existance.("It knocks their block off" is NOT a reasonable explanation for how it works)
1177) I am also no longer to play any character that finds a way to kill everything without drawing his sword until 7th lvl.
1178) Nor am I allowed to carry oil, alchemist's fire, or anything else that comes in a flask or is explosive.
1179) Finally I am no longer allowed to blackmale my DM into giving me items because his wife doesn't know about the six months he dated her younger (and better looking) step-sister.
It was funny though. I got together some friends new to D&D and DM'd a short one-shot for them. We were playing in Eberron, and someone made a joke that if we'd just throw something heavy on the enemies, they'd be done in. The monk, played by a mischevious man who was thrilled that there were rules for that sort of thing, immediately spent multiple action points on picking up the dwarf and dropping him on our enemies. He did it successfully-twice.
1182) I am to no longer juggle the parties halfling, the hand of vecna and my +5 dancing/throwing/returning/vorpal masterwork greataxe all at once. Even with a sucessful perform check.
1183) My character cannot exclaim 'Dungeons & Dragons!' whenever shocked or amazed.
1184) My fashion-conscience sorceress cannot animate and awaken a magical wardrobe of holding.
[1186] I cannot share my intense sexual fantisies about my bard with my party.
[1167] I cannot talk ever again while playing D&D.... I wonder why?
1191) You may not type in Klingon, even if your character speaks it and you have the appropriate web applet.
1192) You may not consult "The art of the Unnecessary Complementary Suffix" when naming your character.
1193) You may not fight with a bat'leth, even if you have the appropriate Exotic Weapon Proficiency feat.
1194) Under no circumstances does your mind-blade sound like a lightsaber. At all.
1195) I am no longer allowed to make a "Dwarf-launcher" for my Mech.
1196) Same for a Halfling launcher
1196) I am not allowed to do a victory dance in my mech, while in a city, a city that is easily smashed by a mech
1197) I am no longer allowed to fire blindly over a hill on the "Something bad is bound to be over there" logic.
1199. I must not pee in the corner during combat
1200. I must not DM. Ever.
1202. In fact, my character really ought to be beyond crawling and be able to walk as of the start of the campaign.
1203. My barbarian is not to use all of his uses of rage at the beginning of the day at breakfast to simulate being angry that there are no hash browns or grits.
1204. "Favored Enemy: Gazebo" is not the most productive use of my ranger's class abilities.
1205: No party may be formed in which a rogue is the main healer.
1206: Dwarven Battle-Clerics are not allowed
1207: Nor are Dwarven Barbarians
1208: Or Dwarven anything for that matter.
1209: The Warforged's player is not to mention at any time the word "robot" within earshot of the DM
1210: players may not be named after exotic cheeses
1211: The soulknife's player is to never mention the word "jedi" within earshot of the DM
1212: The rogue is no longer allowed out of line of sight of at least one party member
1213: the rogue may only try to steal what he can actually carry, regardless fo his slight of hand check.
1214: The Octothorp world is banned. Even if the DM once wrote for Judge's Guild
1215: The DM who once wrote for judges guild is no longer allowed to DM.
1216: Characters are not to be moddelled after 8-Bit Theater.
1217: Reincarnation is not a valid alternative for Raise Dead, even when trying to save money.
1218: Player Characters are required to know their own race's languige.
1219: just because the Maenad is sparkles does not mean that you can petrify him and sell him at auction.
1220: feading poison to the poison resistant dwarfe and then feading said dwarf to the dragon in order to poison the dragon is not a valid way of killing the dragon.
1221: The Thri-Kreen is not to eat random elves while in the middle of crowded city streets.
1222: Astral Constructs may not be made to look like Loony Toons, regardless of the manifester's Craft (sculpture) roll.
1223: and finally, I, personally, am banned from creating PC's that have anything to do with the Far Realm, even in Eberron, where it is a conceivable character option. :P
1224. I will not plot with the other magic users in the party while the DM is smoking outside in order to thwart the land/sea/air battle he had planned. (This happened in our last session. I was DM and outside on a smoke break. They stayed back a moment and planned...they conspired to sink the two warships in the harbor by using their most powerful spells right off the bat)
1225. I will not conspire with my fellow players to assassinate the DM's PC. (Yes, they did this, too.)
1226. When the DM asks me what my character is doing during a battle, I will not say, "Taking a dump".
1227. I will not try to skip out on the Goddess I impregnated after finding out about said procreation. Goddess' do NOT like dead-beat dads...even if they tricked us into getting her pregnant.
1228. I will not play my character into godhood, only to declare his portfolio will contain "hors(intentionally misspelled so you can see what I'm saying), drunks, royals, merchants and other scum of the planet"
1230. This goes double if your spells are potentially lethal.
1231. You do, indeed, have to pay for the Ressurection now.
1232. You are no longer allowed to complain about being unfair when the spellcasting NPC uses tactics instead of blindly charging into melee.
1233. Accusing the Lords of Dust of being furries is a bad idea.
1234. Accusing a Rajah of the same will get you killed, just so you know.
1235. You are, by party decree, not allowed to cast Detect Thoughts on a Daelkyr Lord.
1236. When the campaign revolves around stopping the Lord of Eyes, you cannot take levels in Beholder Mage.
1237. Yes, this applies to the Daelkyr lord of slimes and the Oozemaster class as well.
1238. Clerics cannot worship the cause of "kicking ass".
1240: I should not assume that the DM has the players best interests at heart.
1241: I should not give the Mind Flayer a chance to prove himself.
1242: I should not believe Stonecunning to be an adequate substitute for a lack of a search skill.
1244: Nor should I start by loading several crates of explosives into the investigators truck, while saying "If it as much as looks at me the wrong way... I'm going to blow it up!"
1245: If my character finds any magic wands, I am not allowed to test-fire them on the elf.
1246: Nor am I allowed to trick the elf into drinking any kind of potion we don't know how work.
1247: Nor am I to tell the elf he's a "
ing waste of air" or a " ing threat to the whole galaxy"1248: All in all, I'm not allowed to express my racism towards elves in any way, or I'll have to play one myself...
1249: I can never, ever, again be the one talking to the elven queen.
1250: btw, it's not "the elven queer"
1251: and palladins doesn't use the words: "
ing elf... I bet she's not a real queen after all... let's kill her!"1253:This goes double for the goons
1253:In fact if Spike wrote it, it is so dissalowed that the entire universe will end if it ends up in the game.
1254) The paladin won't go to temple alone
1255) Especially if he is the one who carrys the partys treasure!
1256) I won't use the "Fling Ally"feat together with the halfling archer
1257) The party's fighter is not allowed to use a huge greatsword in a small alley
1258) Especially not if the rouge and the ranger stands next to him...
All of them are mistakes our group made (I was the paladin!)
1188. I can not create a character with a bushy moustache and glasses, and name him Groucho, or anything close to the name. Especially if he is a wisecracking rogue / bard.
Females with high charisma scores do in no way constitute a natural slam attack. (Aww...)
Under no circumstances does your mind-blade sound like a lightsaber. At all.
"Favored Enemy: Gazebo" is not the most productive use of my ranger's class abilities.
I am not allowed to do a victory dance in my mech, while in a city, a city that is easily smashed by a mech
Astral Constructs may not be made to look like Loony Toons, regardless of the manifester's Craft (sculpture) roll.
I should not draw a smiley face on my fist to simulate my character's pet rock, then use it to eat other players' dice.
1260: may not play the cleric if using a commodore 64 ( this too)
1261: may not disintegrate group cleric for being an elf ( I tried this one time, didnt go over too well)
1262: "checking for traps" does not mean walking down the hallway stepping on every tile
1263: Rogue must have atleast 1 rank in diable device
1264: and the wizard must have over 11 int
1265: No using master of arms, ever
1267: may not play a psion,cleric,wizard,sorceror, or anything other than fighter.
1268: May not prepare force cage and blade barrier in the same day
1269: cant prep prestigitation more than once per day
1270: and must also prepare other spells than illusions
1271: my ranger cannot dual-weild greatswords
1272: linoleum is not a weapon mateirial and if it was, it would not do 97 damage per hit at lv5
1273: May not play a warforged
1274: If there is a warforged in the party, rusting grasp is banned from my spellbook
1275: my cleric cannot have the domains of "running away" or " smiting allies"
1276: may not use telekinesis to shove windex down the green dragons throat
1277: same for decanters of water with red dragons
1278: May not buy an immovable rod
1261) May not kill the other pc, regardless that you hate the demonspawning son of a bit**
1262) May not target one players PC's constantly
1263) May not make a new charecter for every individual challenge/session.
1264) If the town is under attack by giant creatures that are multiplying, do NOT stay.
1265) Do not use familairs as ammo.
1266) Do not try to blend in with a crowd of 5 well-known bladelings.
1267) Do not attempt to steal from said bladelings by tossing a pearl behind them.
1268) Do *NOT* sell the orb of red dragons
1269) Do *NOT* i repeat *NOT* try to steal the orb back
1270) *NEVER* i mean *NEVER* trust an old lady (they all pack heat)
1271) Never turn your back on the party rogue for even 2 seconds.
1272) Never steal from said rogue
1273) Never attack said rogue
1274) Tell the other other players what the DM is doing/planning.
1275) Never taunt the DM (this one is self-inflicted)
1276) Never have half-celesials, half-fiends, (good and evil) half-dragons, good paladins, and rogue in the same party
(have you seen your rogue lately? If not, run)
1277) Never leave any items with a worth of 2 silver or more in the players watch. They WILL find ways to get away with it.
1278) Never underestimate the kobold
1279) Never taunt said kobold
1280) Never ask the DM why you keep showing up in the same coluseum
1281) Never try to escape with your life in said coluseum
1282) Never taunt the monolouging announcer
1283) Never drink flaming beer
1284) When calculating treasure *DO* include objects that the book says not to for reasons of weight, etc. (this happened to me as they stole the throne that was carved into the stone wall with a soften earth and stone spell and a dc of 36 on strength)
1276) Never have half-celesials, half-fiends, (good and evil) half-dragons, good paladins, and rogue in the same party
(have you seen your rogue lately? If not, run)
Nice one, do you know this one from experience*wanders off to see if dm would fall for this*
1280: No matter how tough your Mage is, being within 5', 1.5m for you metric lover types, of the "stupid meatshield" not a good place to be.
1281: Half-Orc Barbarians do not make good babysitters.
1282: Paladins do not usually make good "front men" when trying to infiltrate an evil group.
1283: Paladins and Blackguards do not make good team members, at the same time.
1284: Rouges should not be in control of the party's funds.
1285: When in doubt, standing up to check things out while being silhouetted by the moon behind you when facing the bad guys is not a smart move.
1287. The same goes for any part of my body.
1288. The party druid is not an acceptable substitute for a wooden stake.
1289. Planar Ally does not summon Bartimaeus.
1290. If the paladin says that again, the paladin will no longer be a paladin.
1291. "Son of Belkar" is not an acceptable character concept.
1292. I am not to insunuate that the paladin has a thing for manta rays.
1293. Even if the paladin is caressing one at this moment.
1294. Jumping off the tower does not help defeat a dragon.
1295. The dead bugbear is not a squeeze toy.
1297: Do not put a twig from an enchanted tree in your mouth, not even for a "little taste"
1298: Don't blow the whistle if you don't know what it does
1299: Do not leave the halfling druid tied up in a room with "scary Celine Dion music" emiting from a sphere while the rest of the party flees in terror, unless you want them to go crazy.
1300: said halfling should not later go bowling with the disabled sphere down a trap filled hallway if the rouge is standing is trying to disarm the traps.
1302: This goes double for for any game, such as D20 future that has weapontry the does 3d10 damage.
1303: No longer allowed to make inviciable superheros
1304: No longer allowed to not have a name
1305: My build must not come from the optimization board
1306: No longer allowed to make a non-jedi that can beat a jedi in melee combat.
1307: No longer allowed to change systems every time a person dies
1308: I must not make insane char, even if i am insane.
1310: Do not attempt to keep off the Tarrasque with a successful Diplomacy check.
1311: Don't try to use Diplomacy to use a full-round action to make the lich give you its phylactery.
1312: Don't try to bluff a cleric who just cast a spell while looking suspiciously at you by telling the same DC 40 lie you already told.
1276) Never have half-celesials, half-fiends, (good and evil) half-dragons, good paladins, and rogue in the same party
(have you seen your rogue lately? If not, run)
*wanders off to see if dm would fall for this*
Yes, I actually had a party that was like this (i was the good half-dragon) before we killed most of us off. Now we only have a half-celestial, a half-fiend, and a murderous rogue. In retrospect it wasn't much of a step-up
DM: Ank, roll a spot check
Ank: 5 plus 8 is 13
DM: Oh, ok.
Ank: "who's seen the rogue?"
1314) Cross the rogue under any cercumstances (this is a self-applied rule)
1315) Find new uses for old "worthless" items (think bag of holding turned vacuum ;) )
1316) "accidently" send the party rogue to the elemental plane of fire (im thinking hard about this one)
1317) Be entrusted with mysterious items for safekeeping (there is a story there)
1319) Never call a high lvl Chatoic Evil character an idiot.
1320) Can no longer throw a drunken passed out gnome in my back pack.
1321) Can no longer be a halfling and speak elvin to a elvin lord.
1322) Can no longer cast grease by the campfire.
1323) Can no longer tie a rope to my dagger and throw it from behind my party.
1325) never expect to find some drugs on the lokal market
1326) Never use your cha18 sorceress to make money through... "fornication"
1324) High charisma+ no clothing does not result ind AC-Boni
Actually, there's a PrC that does that (not in BoEF).
1329. Kangaroos are not a viable option for a shapechanger in Shadowrun, even if they have handy bags and can jump.
1330. Don't shoot through doors when you can't see who is on the other side.
1331. Merlin is a very unimaginative name for a wizard.
1332. Good characters don't hand over feeble bards to bad demons in order to avoid a fight.
1333. Despite it's name, Sunburst is not a good idea against Vampires with Evasion.
1334. Male elves are not gay and not all half-elves are born of an elven mother.
1335. Aracocra clerics. A no-no.
1336. Never allow players to play Hulking Hurlers.
1339. If you can't properly spell your character's PrC, your character can't be it.
1340. Being a rogue doesn't mean you can use a rope to swing off the top of a tower and expect to swing through either a doorway or window further down. (this actually happened to me. The stairs were blocked and I had to come up with a way to get further down the watch tower -- fast.)
1342- A Halfling with a girdle of giant strength can not play catch with a stone giant
1343- Kender's are not allowed to taunt anymore
1344- Barbarians are no longer to cook the drow we killed and have dinner after a fight
1345- Not allowed to run a Bounty Hunter when more than half the party has a bounty on their worthless heads
I need my nephew to reply to this cause he has one with a psion power and people being in the way. :D
smelly but effective.
1348. Cannot banish people to the "Elemental Plane of Icy Wasteland"
1349. Cannot banish people to "Siberia"
1350. Cannot make ANY refrences to AP European history just to see who gets the jokes. Usually it ends up getting me slapped.
1351. I cannot create the "rod of funny noises"
1352. In case of violating 1351, never use the rod on the king during a diplomatic assembally. Especially if you are not invited.
1337. You cannot name your character after known political figures, you can however, name your character after Iowa Democratic Party Candidates, because no one know's their names.
How about Chuck Norris?
How about Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris is a commonly satired figure. Perhaps you could use lead drummers from 1998 boy bands.
1353. You cannot make refrences to boy bands in D&D games. Ever.
1355: I will not play an over-hormonal Necromancer
1356: I will not hit on every single female NPC
1357: I will not name my character after myself
1358: I will not actively try to find uses for the d12
1359) Nahal's Reckless Dweomer should only be a spell of last resort, not a way to avoid using those expensive spell components and using up my higher level spells
1360) Not having the required 1000 GP worth of components at first level, but still wanting a familiar does not qualify as "last resort"
1361) I am not to complain if the DM decides that spell functions normally with a 60' radius as meaning I get a parrot familiar with a 120' wingspan.
When the DM let the party get our hands on a Deck of Many things, it got downright silly.
1363. #1362 goes doubly so if any other PCs are at the table; and triply so if the whole party is playing.
1364. I will not speak in a high squeeky voice just because I'm playing a halfling.
1365. I'm no longer allowed to cast vortex into the middle of melee, just because things looked like they were slowing down.
1366. I may not Command the big bad to hold still so I take his head off.
1367. Flamestriking the fighter to take out all the bad guys around him, is not plan A.
1368. I'm not allowed to use the halfling to bludgeon the ghosts, even if he is wearing the only magical item in the party.
1369. I'm not allowed to play a dwarf who's vocabulary only consists of the word Battle!
1370. Gnomes shall not take out their pants after receiving the answer "Aww...you're too short" from a female human, elf or similar.
1371- I am no longer allowed to Put my bag of holding in my portable hole to save space in my back pack.
1372 I am not allowed to cook for party members (after serving brain stew to the rogue).
1373 I am not allowed to cook party members, even if I saved part to be reincarnated. (see 1372)
1375 (After my poor gobbie died) I am not allowed to play a goblin were-anything.
1377. I cannot sing.
1379. I'm not allowed to play a ½orc barbarian with a lisp and a preference for frilly things, no matter how amusing it may be. Apparently this is a distraction.
1378. I'm not allowed to enlarge the enemy (to make them easier to hit). :D
1379. I'm not allowed to play a ½orc barbarian with a lisp and a preference for frilly things, no matter how amusing it may be. Apparently this is a distraction.
Alter Ego: Frilly is a funny word.
1380: I am not allowed to use the "Gridle of gender"
Like that's going to happen :evillaugh
1383: I will not attempt to buy any spell components from book of vile darkness at the local apothecary
1384: I will not bury a devil's head in under the local fair grounds, no matter how much I want to stop carrying it.
1385: I will not use planar rifts as a mean of disposing of corpses
1386: I will not kill the quest-giver simply because the quest is too difficult.
1387: I will stop freezing vampire bodies over until dawn as an effective way of killing them...
1388: I will no longer allow psions until I have read the Psionics Handbook
1389: I will not let the party use the Bag of Devoring as a latrine...
....I hear his tears cure light wounds, too bad he never cries....
1391) The rogue must have ranks in Spot.
1394. Nor may I design a character whose sole purpose is to build a suitcase nuke.
1395. I may not name my CG elf wizard after any real world dictator.
1396. When I am interrogating prisoners, I should at least wait until he's done giving us information before stabbing him in the throat.
1397. I will not declare that I am drawing 12 times from the Deck of Many Things if my character is important to the storyline.
1398. I will not shake the Book of the World.
1399. I may not use vehicle-mounted weapons no matter what my character's strength score is.
1400. I will not max out my thief's Use Magic Device skill for the sole purpose of wielding a Holy Avenger.
1401. Especially if I first have to steal it from the paladin.
1402. I will not actually try to employ the timberrogue.
1403. I will not to try to invent claymore mines, even if I can find the materials to do so.
1404. No playing germophobe wizards who burn through all their spell slots constantly casting Prestidigitation on themselves.
1405. Under no circumstances am I to obtain vials of green slime.
1406. If the rest of the party doesn't want to, I will not wake up the red dragon so I can see him breathe fire.
1407. My warforged will not knock people over in bars and demand they surrender their clothes and motorcycle.
1408. My warforged will refrain from loudly announcing the time every hour while the rest of the party is asleep.
1409. My thri-kreen warrior is not trained in the Jedi arts.
1410. My character must share a common language with the rest of the party.
1412. The same goes for Snatch Arrows.
1413: Never date an Orc, especially one of your own gender.
1,414: I may no longer nickname my mighty cleaving warhammer the MC Hammer
1,1415: As 1,1414, but I may not say STOP! 's Hamma' Time!
1417- Cannot base any character off of Chuck Norris
1418- No, you cannot play a half-orc modern character.
1419- If you have an Orc character, he cannot say "I smell manflesh"
1420- Not allowed to play Death Commandos is Btech.
1421- Btech Taurian characters cannot have any sort of nuclear device, weapon, and/or gadget.
1423. I will not play a ce Dwarven fighter who's only purpuse is to make the DM think about things like a pc-run brothel
1425. I will not build a chakram into my character's hat and call him Oddjob.
1427. Same goes for Longspears
1428. an dwarfes. (what a deadly weapon!)
1429. Iw ill not ask the DM wether my babarian may cross-class to monk
1430. HShould the DM allow this for any reason, I will not ask wether Im able to use other monks for my furry of blows.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
#1431. Not allowed to make a Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
1433) May not have more charecters than the DM has NPCs
1,435) My bard can not summon 99 Red Balloons at will.
1438: Nor should I hang a "Kick me!" sign on the barbarians back
1439: At least not one in Draconian
1440: Stating it's a protective spell
1441: I will never, ever again try to copy the gay gnome from the "The WizO's advice killed my character"-thread
1441 b: How the hell could I know that the DM, who isn't taller than 1 meter 45 cm is gay?
1442: No, there is no such spell as "Powerword: STFU!"
1,445) May not make a fiendish (or half-fiend) psion/monk with dimension slide as a quickened power and name him nightcrawler.
1,446) May not play a dragon with 14 attacks as a full-round action, even with the proper feats and rulebooks.
1,447) May not have a dragon ally with entangling breath and a longbow.
1,448) May not diguise a dragon as a valuable item and have it steal from the owner when he's not looking.
1449) May not associate with dragons...period.
1450) May not introduce ditherbombs to a game run by another DM.
1451) May not play a cleric/dracolyte/singer of concordance (that worships Io) in order to gain 4 domains.
1452) May not take the dragon wings feat for every charecter
1453) May not council other players on how to improve their PC's
1454) May not draw from a deck of many things unless I have a death wish
1455) May never trust the rogue
Where's your party's rogue?
1457) I will not sell this vodka to gnomes
1458) I will not "spice Up" the monasterys water resovoir with it
1459) O use it to get a bithcy princess to fight against a dragon...
1460) I will not build funstuff, e.g. molotovs, blackpowder,...
1462.) Or wand-chucks for that matter (these may have been said already, so disregard if they have)
1463.) Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Swordchucks can not ever be a feat
1461.) I may not use weapon chains to create sword-chucks.
1462.) Or wand-chucks for that matter (these may have been said already, so disregard if they have)
1463.) Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Swordchucks can not ever be a feat
I will never forget that episode
1455) May never trust the rogue
Where's your party's rogue?
Dead... and for good reason too!
I love this list... Keep going!!
1465. No Ta'nari either
1,467: If I play a gnome, I can not be "chubby and wearing a pointy red hat with a blue tunic" (think of those porcalin lawn gnomes)
1470. If said arm gives me a strange disease and i cant see living things, dont assume everyone left and start attacking the air in rage.
1471. dont throw other players in the river of styx.
1472. No more half-giant psychic warrior's.
1473. no more super atomic force wedgies on the evil sith lord.
1474. sith lords always have spare lightsabers.
1475. no flashy poses while flying over a group of orcs as a halfling monk.
1476. lvl 14 paladins should no be able to kill great worm black dragons.
1477. should not go running back to said dragon after being dragged away.
1478. never drink more than half a bottle of magical whimsy whine. we end up looking like chebacca with a clay arm.
1479. azmodeus is not "my homie"
1480. If an entire door is made of slay living powder, do not cast shatter.
1481. disbelieve checks don't solve everything.
1482. never pick a fight with a drunk.
1483. never walk into strange churches in the underdark.
1484. dont allow sean to buy tree tokens. They make great instant kill items.
1485. Ravenous rate are not to be used to intimidate a foe by putting it up his ***.
1486. small fury objects that morph into large animals should not be put in a foes *** either.
1487. force crush testicle, is too cruel even for a sith.
1488. above still applies even though jedi don't need them.
Dead... and for good reason too!
I love this list... Keep going!!
Your party is smarter than most. Our party's rogue is a mass-murdering, theiving lunatic. However, he is also the DM's favorite and as such is about 3 levels (and some "bonuses") higher than us (AC 42!?). The unwriten rule in our group: Don't *openly* oppose him and you shall live (he will kill the same guy every time if nobody messes with him). I swear the guy has assassin writen all over him. 1489) May not tell the other players what you think the DM has planned based on what you figured out, that would be metagaming.
Yeah... concidering I was the one playing the rogue... the whole "sit quietly while the demons argue over who really gets your soul" is pretty apt for what happened to him... The nightmares still haunt me... and make the other players laugh. :embarrass
1490: "When it doubt... light it on fire" does not work on every creature... especialy on the elemental plane of Fire (Hint: Never play a Fire Elemental Savant with a DM who enjoys screwing his players)
1492. Don't make fun of lycanthropes.
1493. Or lepers.
1494. Or dying orphans.
1495. Do not blow up buildings.
1496. Nukes do not exist in DnD.
1497. No building railguns. Ever. No matter how high your check is.
1498. Radar does not exist in DnD.
1499. No you may not have a laser.
1500. Beastiality is not funny anymore.
1502: This goes double for the inner-planes
1503: Raz cannot use the Force
1504: NO ONE is allowed to make a jedi with a penchant for good-hearted mischief
1505: Said jedi may not be called Zar.
1506: If Raz is in a Star Wars game he must follow the wounds/vitality points system.
1507: He may not see if raw magic is more powerful than the dark side.
1508: The death star is not a toy.
1509: May not suggest improvements to the death star.
1510: Ewoks are not small furry halflings.
1511: Raz may not form a coherent, logical, easy-to-follow argument as to why magic is more powerful than the Force.
1512: Raz cannot be a jedi.
1513: Under no circumstances is he allowed to have a lightsaber
1514: Even if he can use Mage Hand to snag a lightsaber off of a jedi's belt.
1515: He may not taunt the jedi.
1516: He may however taunt the sith.
1517: Raz cannot pilot an X-wing on a 'whim'.
1518: He may not be Epic in a Star Wars Game
1519: Raz cannot try to use Random Deflector to redirect the Death Star's attack
1520: He may not use illusion spells to make translucent blue old men come around and give people advice and counsel.
1521: Raz may not one-up Jabba the Hutt
1522: Raz may not call Jabba Pizza the Hut
1523: If anyone wants Raz to come to Coruscent (sp?) for ANY reason he is to be in a straight jacket, with a muzzle, and pushed around in a wheelbarrow.
1524: Yes, we realize this means he's probably dancing around in some cantina while a poor chap is in his place not knowing what's going on.
1525: Raz is to never be allowed near any computer consul. Ever...
1527: My character may not have the skill Profesion (Health Inspector)
1529: No longer allowed to play bards and talk to dragons in the same campaign. A dragon is a far too powerful BFF (best friend forever..).
1530:
A) It's impossible to set brilliant energy weapons to stun.
B) I cannot have commoner cohorts/followers that wear red shirts, black pants and no armor that just run at the enemy to die. Yellow and blue shirts are fine though.
C) The borg do not exist in DnD. Thus, a gnome illusionist running around saying "Resistance is futile" is not sufficient to cause widespread panic. It only attracts crazy people.
1531: Stealing underpants is strictly forbidden.
1532: Cannot make characters based on those from South Park.
1533: Anything from South Park has been deemed forbidden.
1535. Especially starting at 1st level by ignoring prerequisites.
1536. Especially in a campaign that doesn't use gestalt rules.
1537. The followers you gain from leadership feat and the believers you obtain from the Thrallherd prestige class are probably NPC classes, such as warriors, experts, adepts, magewrights, commoners, and aristocrats. They are certainly not all artificers who will dutifully scribe an unlimited supply of scrolls for you while you are out adventuring.
1538. Neither the Guide to Unlawful Carnal Knowledge nor the Book of Erotic Fantasy are core material. You are not to assume that such rules are in place unless the DM says so.
1539. If the DM does say that such material is allowed, he must say it while sober, well rested, and maintain this opinion consistently for at least ten minutes.
1540. Insurance guilds will not sell fire insurance to a level 10 pyrokineticist, especially if he uses nimbus to enhance his charisma for the bluff check against them.
1541. Do not give the powergamer an excuse to see if he can take on the rest of the party.
1542. I may not hit on the evil cleric just to annoy her male player (especially if their playing a female character was my idea).
1543. Do not spend 1000 gp on nice silk clothing: you will get wet.
1544. Don't assume that because the party is evil that it won't try to save the world from obvious immenent destruction. (Hey, I like existing).
1545. Do not play an elemental savant blaster if the DM allows the spell energy immunity.
1546. Lord of the Uttercold does not help said blaster if the DM allows the feat Tomb Tainted Soul.
1547. You may not take the feat Divine Spell Power.
Not from that encoutner but still fun:
1548. The phrase "Will you have my babies?" does not solve problems.
1549. I may not assume my AC is high enough.
1550. I will not assume I won't need to make a will save.
1551. +2 on saves vs. fear does not make halflings brave in the absence of a positive wisdom modifier or an aura of courage.
1552. Do not give PCs an excuse.
1553. Do not assume the PCs will do anything, especially if it is the obvious course of action.
1554. Do not assume the PCs are stupid.
1555. Always carry alchemist's fire.
1556. Always carry alchemist's fire carefully.
1557. I may not assume I won't be required to make a balance check.
1558. Never allow a raidiant servent of pelor in a game about hunting vampires.
1559. Never allow two characters with the feat improved grapple in the same party as a warmage who can cast mass fire shield.
1560. "I already rolled your check for you, and you failed," is not the proper response to "Can I make a forgery check to see if this document is real?"
"Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly, Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!"
1562. NPCs cannot worship Peanut Butter Jelly Sandwichs.
1564: Will no longer assume I can "put it in the wagon"
1566:never again tell my pet baby black dragon"you don't need any food now"
1567:never again ride my befriended dragon and say "hi ho silver away!"
1568:never again poke a mountain sized beast in the eye with a taste for human flesh.
1569:never again fight a beetle god the size of Montana
1570:never again go into a cave full of gold,with a tongue
I really did all these!!
1572. not allowed to own manacles.
1773, not allowed to use my friends in a live-action recreation of my sacrifices to demogorgon
1575. Nor is there a "Garden of Eden Creation Kit" which will restore all plant life to Athas.
1576. Nor is my ranger's animal companion named "Dogmeat."
1577. Tentacles notwithstanding, mindflayers are not interested in helping you produce hentai.
1578. Nor are you to volunteer the services of the party's youthful-looking gnome bard girl as an "actress" in aforementioned hentai.
1579. If there is a conflict between a peaceful agrarian village and a brigade of hobgoblins attempting to conquer and enslave said village, arguing about which side to work for should not require three hours of game time.
1580. "Collateral damage" may be an excuse when using fireball, although it should still be avoided as much as possible. It is probably not a valid excuse for accidentally killing commoners when said collateral damage is inflicted by very precise sneak attack rapier wounds.
1582- Do not anger the level 14 rogue.
1583- Do not write in human....'wastes'...in the nice clean town, with all of the guards that have slightly sensitive noses.
Remember, the rogue is your friend. ~Mr.Rogue~ Oh, and Ank, the reason you don't try to kill the party rogue....is because he is just...slightly..overpowered....also, he is a half-dragon,with a slight taste for human blood...or any other creatures blood,for that matter..mmmm....
1585: Not allowed to invent the Polaroid Camera...
1586: ...more so, if its only point is to make a Photographic Journal, to prove how "Totaly Awsome we are, and How much those Lamer Dragon suck..."
1587: There are no Blogs.
1588: There is no Photobucket.
1589: There is no Myspace.
1590: There is no Internet. Period.
1592 I don't need to know how far my character is capable of throwing the halfling.
1593 I can't use the halfling as an improvised blunt weapon against skeletons because I forgot to buy a mace.
1568:never again poke a mountain sized beast in the eye with a taste for human flesh.
It had an eye with a taste for human flesh?
:D
1581- Do not hide shiny items that are worth something from the rogue...he just may 'dissapear' for a few moments.....and then you won't have said object.
1582- Do not anger the level 14 rogue.
1583- Do not write in human....'wastes'...in the nice clean town, with all of the guards that have slightly sensitive noses.
Remember, the rogue is your friend. ~Mr.Rogue~ Oh, and Ank, the reason you don't try to kill the party rogue....is because he is just...slightly..overpowered....also, he is a half-dragon,with a slight taste for human blood...or any other creatures blood,for that matter..mmmm....
OOOOOOOOk, remember the nice rogue i keep mentioning in all my posts? Ya, this is him. Beware Mr.rogue's overpowered status. Incidentally, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDNT HAVE INTERNET YOU BLUFFING, OVERPOWERED, THIEVING, JERK! (p.s. this has been ooc (out of charecter), hurting me would be metagaming. Leave me alone
) :D :D :D :D :D
(if this is NOT you, then i apologize to whomever this may be; however, the similarities are just TOO similar and the guy knew right where to find me after i showed him my posts...)
1595. I may not create a Decanter of Endless Black Lotus Extract.
1596. I may not create a Decanter of Endless Oil.
1596. I may not use sovereign glue to bind a Decanter of Endless Water to someone's mouth and speak the command word for "geyser."
1597. Even if that person is the BBEG.
1598. ESPECIALLY is that person is the BBEG.
1599. I may not use sovereign glue to bind two Decanters of Endless Water together by their mouths and set them to "geyser" just to see what happens.
1600. I may not combine a Decanter of Endless Water and a Bag of Tricks.
1601. I may not create a Decanter of Endless Sovereign Glue.
1602. I may not create a Decanter of Endless Decanters of Endless Water or any extension thereof.
1603. I may never again get within 30 ft of a decanter of any kind. If I do it will explode.
1606) The answer to why I buy so many longstrider scrolls is not:
"Ever hear the phrase 'you dont have to outrun the monster, just the slowest party member?'
1609: may not be a dwarfen defender
1610:especially one with combat reflexes and spiked chain proficientcy
1611: a hlaf-blue red dragon is not barney ( will happen in my next game)
1612: may not mug beggers
1613: especially in coastal cities ( bronze dragons are the dms favorite creature0
1614: I am not a pastamancer, or turtle-tamer
1615: May not be a trikreen monk with snatch arrows
1616: even if I could, it couldn't catch a ballista bolt
1617: cant read anything other than phb
1618: forget it, Im not even allowed to play anymore
1618: forget it, Im not even allowed to play anymore
:heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee :heehee
Oh man! eventually my dm will take that kind of attitude towards me, but until then
1619) May not play a soulknife.
1620) Especially not one with time hop or brain lock encoded in his blades
1622) I'm not allowed to burn my charackter sheet, even if i died completely due to a fireball
-- sorry, i missed to use the edit-button
1625) Not allowed to use C4 and thermite grenades to set a trap for the dragon...it only makes the GM up the age category. :angelhide
1628. Main cleric weapon for undead CAN NOT be a bag of holding filled infinite holy water.
1629. Not allowed to make a GLOVE of curse water, and a GLOVE of bless water.
1630. Not allowed to flood grave yard on touch water with the bless water glove.
1631. Not allowed to force wall up the temple and turn on the decanter o' endless water becasue my cleric wants to see if their god loves them.
1632. Not allowed to drop a barrel of force beads onto a commoner because he sneezed on me.
1633. Not allowed to make a sealed off cannon barrel and cast fireball in it to redirect the fire.
1634. May not own the brazier of fire elementals, censer of air elementals, stone of earth elementals AND bowl of water elementals all at once.
1635. May not have earth elemental try to grapple an air elemental to make a dust paraelemental
1636. May not have a fire and water elemental grapple to from a steam paraelemental
1638.) A gnomish gun that fires lightning rods and then shoots lightning bolts is not a viable weapon in traditional DnD. (this actually happened)
1640) I will not take an elf character and ask at every inn if they have cheaper rooms without beds, just because I only need meditation. (Friend of mine did this. Annoying runt.)
1641) I am not allowed to take an elf ranger/spellcaster multiclasser with a snake familiar and the same name every freaking time. (Same guy as above)
1642) I am not allowed to forget my familiar needs food once in a while.
1643) Neither will I just say that "It eats whatever I kill."
1644) I am not allowed to deny that my character dies during a session. Neither am I allowed to walk off angrily when I'm convinced it actually is. (Same guy as the latter ones, can you believe it?)
1645) It's a bit cruel to burn the leaving player's character sheet in a ceremonial way saying "Good riddance." (...What?)
1646) I am not allowed to try Bluff checks in real life.
1647) Using a Nerf gun to force the DM into your way isn't fair play.
1648) Hyperactive talking squirrel familiars are not allowed. Especially not combined with quotes from any 3D animation movie. ("Ever thought about decaf?" "Idooon'tdrinkcoffee!")
1649) I am not allowed to test if everything we kill is fit for cooking.
1650) Neither am I allowed to test if the elf will actually eat it.
1652: my human bard 8/improv weapons3 is not named 'Indie'
1653: he cant use a whip and hand crossbow either
1654: may not look at this list
1655: cant use it as a checklist either
1656: If its maximum damage is higher than my hp, I cant use it
1657: soulbreaker greatswords? cant use 'em
1658: Especialy if they're deep crystal and Im a half-giant pychic warrior ( for the non-psionic people, thats 7d6 damage if I spend 2 power points, and negative levels on a critical)
I apper to be running out of ideas...
1659: If my monk quotes the chuck norris list, he is instantly disintegrated and soul bind'ed
(yes ive done it: Play a kobald warrior, take dodge and mobility. Give it dex of 20 (18 +2 racial) for +5 AC, +5 dodge/mobility, +4 for mage armor (taken as kobald special ability see races of the dragon), +1 size modifyer, +1 natural armor.
1662- May not begin to climb up said cliff, using said person as an anchor.
Remember, the rogue is your friend. ~Mr.Rogue~
1660) You think about it so much that you can make a level one charecter with AC 26
(yes ive done it: Play a kobald warrior, take dodge and mobility. Give it dex of 20 (18 +2 racial) for +5 AC, +5 dodge/mobility, +4 for mage armor (taken as kobald special ability see races of the dragon), +1 size modifyer, +1 natural armor.
1663: May not have a lv1 character doing 7d6 in one hit ( max 46 if 18 str)
( half-giant for 2 pp, 18 int for 2 pp, half-giants get powerful build, so get a bigger greatdwrod for 3d6, deep crystal it and channel all your power points for an extra 4d6, make it holy( or some other alignment) to rise to 9d6, then add your other aligment for a total of 11d6)
1665: may not resurrect said player and kill them again for the insurance money.
1666: may not combine a portable hole, with a zombie. Creating a perpetual motion machine using gravity as a power source.
1667: Not allowed to snicker whenever we need to go to a ferry (fairy) to cross the river. Even though he speaks with a lisp.
1668: Not allowed to invite all lisped fairy's to the party thrown by the priest of Hextor.
1669: when the GM creates a puzzle for you to solve, Not allowed to have the raging berserker cut the wall in half and continue on.
1670: There is not a leviathan in the river. So I can't shove people into the river to attract them.
1672: I may not read any 1001 threads
1673: I may not read the Char Op boards
1674: I may not play anymore
1676: The Ten Commandments are not a checklist.
1677: Neither is any sourcebook's section on prestige classes.
1663: May not have a lv1 character doing 7d6 in one hit ( max 46 if 18 str)
( half-giant for 2 pp, 18 int for 2 pp, half-giants get powerful build, so get a bigger greatdwrod for 3d6, deep crystal it and channel all your power points for an extra 4d6, make it holy( or some other alignment) to rise to 9d6, then add your other aligment for a total of 11d6)
[nitpick]1st level character. Can only spend 1pp.[/nitpick]
1679: I may not use a two-handed melee weapon with 1 admage, an 11-20 / x2 crit and the "Improved Crit" feat
1680: I may not use my Jedi forces to make all foes have natural 1 all the time
1682: I may not justify my felicide by saying they're all evil anyway. ;)
(Yep, I actually did this one. Oddly enough, the character is LN.)
1684: 1683 counts also for dogs, budgies, hasters and all other pet creatures / farmiliars
1686: I am not allowed to recreate repeating blaster rifles from Star wars in D&D, even if it's doable by the rules. (Repeating crossbow of holding combined with delayed blast fireballs, assuming stasis).
1687: I am not allowed to recreate the flying ship from Final Fantasy in Faerun.
1688: I am not allowed to build a magical item that locates the nearest large deposit of precious metal, and displays our location relevant to it in three dimensions.
1689: I am not allowed to equip my squad with rings of featherfall/boots of levitation, and drop the squad (#1685), each equipped with multiple crossbows (#1686), in the vicinity of the largest deposit, with orders to retrieve with extreme prejudice.
1690: I am not allowed to, ever, play a dual progression class of any kind, ever again, specifically referring to Mystic Theurge, Geomancer, Cerebramancer, and any other class that advances two spellcasting classes.
1691: I am not allowed to laugh maniacally at the DM when he says an army is approaching.
1692: I am not allowed to ever cast windwall, control wind and Blade barrier in sequence again.
1693: Neither I nor anyone else, shall ever refer to the "Giant Blender of Doom" created in #1692.
1695. I am also not allowed to after seeing something shiny spend thrity minutes devising a rigging system to climb the 110ft cliff to see if I can see the shiny object more clearly from the extra 10ft of height
1697: Character with 4-9 Int are banned from from procreating
1698: NEVER mess with characters based on Fonzi
1699:Spellcaster are banned from delivering touch attacks to ally with a "love tap to the ass"
1700:Never recreate a situation paralleling whats in my Sig
1701: Drunken masters are banned from using improvised "squirrel-chucks" ESPICALLY if u have a tendancy to rolls natural 1s (s'ploding squirrel anyone)
1702: power gamers who invent PCs who eventually attain an AC of 186 shall be CRUCIFIED
1703: A mountain giant can't move silently no matter the situation to creep on a party
1704: said giant regardless of class or ability can't sneak attack the group in manner mentioned above with a wizards tower...with the wizard still insde.
I'm no longer allowed to play Magic-Blooded Aasimar Marshals who use their good looks and ridiculous Diplomacy checks to bed married, engaged, or dating woman and then drink potions of Glibness to convince husbands, fiances, and boyfriends that "we're not really doing anything."
1707: nor on the dm herself ^^
1708: my friend's dwarfen fighter is NOT allowed to wield my monk as an improvised weapon (we really tried to get this one through..., the dwarf died two sessions later)
1709: I'm not allowed to ask every two minutes for an orphanage to put the extremely annoying and naive rouge in.
**Edit: added one thing**
1711: Not matter how much junk I can get out of them, I must never screw with demons.
1712: Playing in a campaigne which contains a red wizard that can kill all the epics in one go is not advisable. (This actually happened, he used his charisma looped undead army to buff each other and wiped all the epic NPCs from the face of the earth.
1713: I must resist the urge to base a character of Link from Legend of Zelda.
1714: Having a home base filled with locked guns, dynamite, open fuel trucks and sparking lights is a bad idea.
1715: Dynamite and ball bearings is not an acceptable substitute for a grenade.
1716: My sorcerer is no longer allowed near demons. EVER.
1717: I must not threaten to kill anybody in a crowded city square.
1718: If I find a gun, I am to hand it in to the city watch. IMMEDIATELY.
1719: It is not a good idea for my archer to try and loot the corpse of a man who has been shot in the back just beneath the city wall garrison.
1721: I must not make fun of my dm's face
1722: Thou shall not hit! is NO Dragon commandment
1723: Nor is Thou shall not miss! a commandment for players
(I hope i translated it correctly (--> the 10 church commandments(?)))
1725: Nor am i allowed to propose Metallica as a party name every time when we're asked who we are...
1726: Also I'm not allowed to try to launch a sonic attack with my e-guitar by tunring all potis (including volume) all the way up...
1729: If you are eaten by a creature in said bottless pit, rolling doznes of percentile dice for the rod of wonder does not mean you will live.
1730: Can not turn a stone room into flesh by using Rod of Wonder.
1731: Summoning an elephant/rhino with Rod of Wonder to use for food is bad.
1732: Especially if you kill/cook him by using the Rod of Wonder and hoping for a fireball.
1733: Using a broken shovel to stake a vampire on the ceiling does not work, no matter what your jump check is or your attack bonus.
1734: Feral Garguns can no longer be monks.... no matter what the backstory.
1735: No longer allowed to make/play fighters.... EVER
1736: If you trick an Adult Green Dragon with a Deck of Illusions to have your Raven steal a piece of its treasure only makes it madder.
1737: Turning the airship invisible and throwing smoke bombs only delay the dragon.
1738: No longer allowed the Deck of Illusions.
1739: No longer allowed to play Sorcerers/Wizards specializing in Illusion magic.
1740: No matter what your reasoning, you new Red Wizard will not take down your previous character body off the polearm in the center of the city.
1741: No longer allowed spells
1742: No longer allowed to read any books
1743: A centaur may not also be born as a were-bear.
1744: The max strength allowed for me anymore is 20
1745: Same with all attributes.
1746: Not everything is a dream that you can wake up from.
1747: Just because you throw a rock on the neon green tile doesn't mean its safe to step on.
1748: Your fighter/kensai cannot take out a room full of stirges.... espcially if they go first
1749: Even if you have DR 10/silver and are fighting elementals.... crits still hurt
1750: Not allowed Glove of Storing
1751: Not allowed Bag of Holding
1752: Not allowed anything that would give me a grin
1753: The Rod of Wonder no longer exists in ANY campaigns
1755: Especially when said dragon is a pyrokeneticist.
1756: When touched and given a powerful staff by a mysterious white energy source, never attempt to start a cult around said energy source just to irritate the god of magic. :D
1757: I must not try to proove that i actually CAN speak goblin
1758: I must not proove that I'm better at a bullrush that the priest on a narrow bridge over an bottomless pit
1759: I must not make an attempt to proove everything i do
1760: i must never ever in my whole life mess up with Elminster hoping he only runs "1" while i'm only having crit hits
1761: same counts for Drizzt and all other legends of the world of Faerun
1762: I may not join the club mentioned above, not even for an entry payment of 1.000.000.000 gp
1763: I may not decide how the loot is going to be spend after having killed several dragons with my 6 ppl party
1765: I am not allowed to make another female ghost elf stripper bard, regardless of how detailed her backstory is (I actually started by trying to make a serious character from such a cliched concept, then kinda got carried away).
1766: Even if said bard manages to attract attention of a powerful demon lord, she will not be transformed into a succubus to advance her anti-devil goals. At least not with a good party.
1777: Not allowed to shoot spitballs at princesses. (different character, half crazy evoker)
1778: Even if she deserves it, and is also my long lost half sister (DM's idea, sprung on me by surprise).
1779: Especially if the spitballs are from chewed up pieces of the party cleric's sock.
1780: Even if she helped the cleric tie me up and stuff the sock in my mouth.(I ended up getting beaten into unconciousness during this incident)
1781: No more Urban Arcana characters that are masked halfling mexican professional wrestlers that carry revolvers the size of their thighs.
1782: The currently existing character of this type, Jose "La Cucaracha Azteca" Gomez, is not to be permitted to be unsupervised while within a half mile of anything that requires proficiency in rocket launchers, heavy machine guns, or any other form of heavy weaponry for proper operation.
1783: Regardless of how good of an unarmed combatant Jose is, he cannot do a successful tilt-a-whirl headscissors, hurra-karana, or other such move against rednecks that weigh over 300 pounds because he's simply too light to build up enough inertia.
1784: Not allowed to walk around in front of the palace holding a bag of holding requesting donations for a "holy cause," even if I do have levels in paladin now.
1785: Especially if the "holy cause" is getting myself better magical items, even if they are to be used "in the service of the greater good."
1786: Not allowed to smite would be suitors of princess sister.
1787: Not allowed to roleplay long debates over the definition of "Lawful" with my intelligent Holy Avenger that acts as my "voice of reason" (apparantly the DM thought I needed one).
1788: No longer allowed to threaten violence against said sword when it complains that I'm using my bow to stay a safe distance from the big nasty thing with lots of teeth.
1790 Should I be named “Bob from Marketing,” I cannot be a lvl 1 lich claming to have sold my soul as part of the requirements of the Marketing Profession.
1791 I cannot have ranks in Profession (Accounting), nor can I use said skill to increase my starting gold beyond the limits imposed by the IRS, DMG, or the DM (the least amounted given by any of the sources listed).
1793: Especially if the player is very good at roleplaying an Int score of 5.
1794: Not allowed to create any more matrix knockoff monks, particularly another potsmoking gnome monk convinced that he is "The Two."
1795: Said monk is not allowed to pass a doobie to the lemming.
1796: Jose the mexican halfling luchador is no longer allowed in the town's strip joint.
1797: Not even if another party member works there (another character of my ex).
1798: Another party member, Grand Pastor Flash, is not allowed in aformentioned club specifically because the party member employed there has bribed the bouncers to kick his ass if he even tries to get in again.
1799: The crazy stripper is not to be let out of sight of the rest of the party on any mission, even if it means letting Jose follow her because he's the only other one with a motorcycle that can keep up with her; their survival chances are better together and Grand Pastor Flash should be able to talk them out of at least half of theprice of repairs for the inevitable collateral damage.
1800: Of the three PCs mentioned in #1799, none are permitted under any circumstance to possess explosives of any kind other than bullets.
1801: Schwonk the goblin speed demon can indeed operate the pedals and gearshift and see where he's going even if he's only 3'2" as long as he's sitting on his magic phonebook. Other drivers, however, still see nothing but his ears sticking up above the dashboard.
1802: Do not touch the stereo in any vehicle being driven by Schwonk, unless to turn it up. This goes double if it's playing "Lowrider" at the time.
1803: No more than seven PCs can fit into a Yugo without the use of space warping magic, and that assumes that at least two are small size.
Edit: had to fix the numbering.
1805. My cleric of the Silver Flame is not allowed to interact with prepubescent boys in any context other than "rescuing them from evil liches in full view of other party members," or closely related variants.
1806. I am not to wield a Talenta Sharrash and claim 19-20/x4 criticals based on pretending not to know about the errata.
1807. Especially if I also pretend that I don't know that improved critical and keen don't stack.
1808. I am not to play a commoner with a 15-point buy, and get other party members to protect me on the basis that characters who start out as weak usually end up being powerful by midgame, while concealing my class from them.
1809. I am not to rationalize massacring entire villages on the basis that "getting your home burnt down and your family killed by marauders sounds like a PC background, so we've really done the few, scattered survivors a favor, since they'll probably get PC classes now when they grow up instead of being wimpy level 1 commoners their whole lives."
1810. Casting Eagle's Splendor on bar wenches before flirting with them may not be the worst thing in the world, but the recipients of such beneficence may not regard it as a compliment. Especially if you tell them "you could use some more charisma. Hold still" beforehand.
1812: Nor to my buddy's girlfriend :P
1813: I'm not allowed to roll ability scores for each hair on my head
1814: I'm not allowed to cry only because the chaotic evil's barbarian +5 keen greatsword razored some of them off it...
1815: Nor am i to ask the cleric if could ressurect some of them
1816: i may not play a monk claiming to be member of Jehovas witnesses
1817: Nor is there a town in Faerun called 'Salt lake city'
1818: i'm not allowed to harass the hot paladin npc chick
1819: nor her fighter boyfriend :fight!:
1820: i can not argue for 1818 and 1819 with: "so where else is the need for the "run" feat??"
290. My ranger is not allowed a miniature giant space hamster as an animal companion.
do you know how many times i've tried to get my DM to give me one of these?!?!
now for mine:
1822. BFGs do not exist
1823. I cannot switch sides during combat.
1824. killing the other players in their sleep is not an option.
Our level 11 Centaur Fighter attacking a kobold, the DM uses crit miss sheets. He rolled high, and came out to be a crit on nearby ally. Now when your "nearby ally" happens to be the halfling soulblade..... things don't turn out well.
1826: Cannot commit acts of violence against halflings because they were hitting on my "gf".
1827: Cannot sell vital war information to the army attacking my home town, no matter how much they are paying.
1828: No longer allowed to look at the Monster Manual to create characters, even if it is just for a "role playing flair".
1829: ^^^ Especially when the character you are making happens to be on the favored enemy list of the rangers in your party.
1828: Your home city is not called Ank-More-Pork, or any homophore, for any reason.
1829: Elves are not messing with your mind.
1830: Dwarves know more songs than the Hi-Ho song and Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold- Gold. And anyway that is the corus.
1831: No such thing as black ribboners.
1832: I am not a cleric of offler, Om or Blind Io.
1833: Million to one chances FAIL nine hundred and ninetey nine thousand, nine hundered and nintey nine times in a million.
1834: There are no turtles anywhare (expept normal sized ones).
1835: War is not a jolly nice chap who maried a valcuri.
1836: Pestilance does not hang around hospitals.
1837: Famine does not like salad cream sandwiches.
1838: Death's hourse isn't called binki, he has never had an aprentice or a daughter, he does not have a manservant and he does not have an grandadughter.
1839: There is no 5th hoursman/charioter.
1840: No Terry Prattchett in D&D ever again!
1842 or rizzdt
1843. Or any f****** anagrammms out of Drizzt
1844. will not use two scimitars
1845. won't use any other drizzt trait
1846. will not play Britney spears new song during the main battle with the BBEG
1847. Regardless wether the BBEG likes it or not
1849: Regardless of how many ranks I have in Intimidate, my 10th level warmage should not threaten uncooperative storm giants controlled by a railroading DM.
1850: Even if the rest of the party are a bunch of sissies, a level 12 warmage should not walk up to an mature adult red dragon alone, point at it, and shout in draconic, "My boot, your ass, right here, right now!" (and if the DM had not "forgotten" the proper rules of movement while spellcasting, I actually would have won but I guess he didn't like me using his poorly planned munchkinfest dungeon to my advantage in the way I did).
1852. Nor may he take to lurking in theaters.
1855: I will not do 1854 repeatedly.
1856: I won't throw a shoe at the DM, even if he does ignore me.
1857: I will not annoy the DM, especially if he likes hurling lightning at my PC when I do.
(all done by the same player when I DMd)
1858: I can never again 'accidentally' replace the DM's d20 with one that has the numbers 1-10 on it twice.
I got away with this for almost a whole session once...
1859: I will never again try to convince myself that I actually enjoy the tortures of Hell in an effort to make them stop, especially when my Bluff is only one higher than my Sense Motive.
1860: I will never again humor players that decide to list their patron deity as "The GM."
1861: The Shifter Druid should not make it known in the middle of the Silver Flame church that she is started a massive Shifter/Lycanthrope anti-Crusade against the Silver Flame zealots and their oppression.
1862: Especially when she actually is...
1863: The new half-fiend should not burn all his daily spell like abilities in sequence in the middle of a good church, just to "see what they all do".
1864: My monk is NOT, nor will he ever be, of the "running, jumping, climbing trees" school of fighting.
1865: Fiendish Dire Minotaurs do not make good familiars.
1866: I'm forbidden from giving my Warshaper tentacle attacks with 10' reach in the form of hair.
1868: Nor at other players.
1869: I will not ever again create a squirrle race named after my friend to annoy him, even if everyone does call him a squirrle.
1870: I will not make his character be bitten by a were-squirrle for the same reasons.
1871: I will not use play a wizard and try to immitate a Medabot robobattle with golems or runic/shield gaurdians. (Actually did this some years ago)
1707) do not take a dump on the temple's alter
1708) do not pretend to be an overly zelous and obnoxous dwarf palidan ( it will get you lighting bolted at 9th level)
(wow, can you believe that I read all of this thread in one day, i realy need to get a life)
1709) Under no circumstances is the phrase "all your base are belong to us" to be uttered by my character.
But what if you legitimately capture all of a nations bases, strongholds and other misc fortifications?
Oh, wait:
1710) Under no circumstances am I allowed to capture all of a nations bases, strongholds and other misc fortifications.
1712) Don't mess with Were-Wolverines, those things are vicious!
1881. Even if I have the power to do so, I will not use my psionics powers to explode the kings head
1882. When making a broken PC, I must remeber that the DM can break things better than me.
1883. The DM does not like it when I teleport the party back through time
1884. When I am a Psion, I must pick at least 1 disipline power
1885. As A wizard, I will not comment that it takes 9 pages to scribe the power word: kill, despite the fact that it is one word.
BTW Addrreess messed up the numbering
1885. As A wizard, I will not comment that it takes 9 pages to scribe the power word: kill, despite the fact that it is one word.
.....holy turd!! I never even thought of that... funny!!
1886: In a low magic campaign I am not allowed to build an Evocer that specializes in Fireballs. (really quite funny in the world of Midnight if you've ever played in it...)
1715) If someone in your party does throw the mayor against the wall and the guards grab him, press a sword against the mayor's throat to make him realease your friend wont improve his attitude
1716) If your friend does do this and you have been banished from the town, dont throw your specially-crafted alchemist's fire that you recently modified by gluing clay shards from a pot with a tanglefoot bag to make some kind of crappy fragmentation grenade at the mayor in anger, he'll light on fire
1717)Lighting the mayor on fire wont improve relations
1718) And finally, if the mayor does light on fire, laughing at him and stealing his daughter definately wont help the campaign or the DM's attitude
Wow, in retrospect, maybe I shouldnt have roughed up that mayor....at least my party got a daughter-in-hostage from all this
1885. As A wizard, I will not comment that it takes 9 pages to scribe the power word: kill, despite the fact that it is one word.
Does somebody like OoTS? :P
1719. I am not to call any party member "expendable."
1720. At least, not when the party member is within earshot.
1721. I am not to question the sexuality of deities.
1722. If the DM is stroking his model of an arrow stuck in a neck, I should probably calm down.
1723. I am not to make a bard who only knows the Lumberjack Song.
1897 - I'm no longer allowed to create a character that is emotionally challenged and runs around kicking everything in the ding-ding.
1724. "I don't care how many billions of miles it is, Pelor still threw you to the sun...
1725. ...No, endure elements won't help you"
1726. I can't make an adamantine lute that triples as club and a bow (launching an arrow with the lutes strings)
1901: not allowed to put puzzles from classic PC games in my dungeons. (how was I supposed to know that half the party had played King's Quest VI?)
1902: not allowed to have an Awakened cat rogue/swashbuckler/ranger with Weapon Finesse:Rapier and favored enemy: Giant(Ogre) in the campaign world. anywhere.
1903: not allowed to have fae-type creatures make their entrances by dancing atop the cleric's funny tri-cornered hat.
1904: not allowed to fire arrows that summon a completely random creature within city walls.
1905: not allowed to attempt to steal an entire floor. (again.)
1907 not allowed to be a prophet of any sort
1908 not allowed to claim to a prophet, of any sort.
1909 not allowed to take ranks in proffesion (Chef)
1910 not allowed to to take ranks in proffesion (butcher)
1911 (for call of cthulu) not allowed to take ranks in proffesion (dentist)
Suprisingly, 1909-1911 were far more disrupting to the game then any prophecy I made up.....
1912: I will not assume that the elves are nice.
1913: I will not assume the 4ft watchman with boils is a dwarf.
1914: Stay well away from standing stones.
1915: No dancing around standing stones.
1916: No I mean it!
1917: When stuch out in the rain at night do not head for the big spooky castle.
1918: Having gone to the castle do not knock on the door.
1919: Having knocked on the door do not go inside.
1920: Having gone inside do not acsept the invitation to stay the night.
1921: Having acsepted the invitation to stay the night do not sleep with the window open and the door unlocked.
1922: Having slept with the window open and/or the door unlocked don't come crying to me.
1923: Quit asking how vampires are allways clean shaven and yet can't see themsleves in a mirror to shave!
1926: Nor will I take leadership and make all my followers Kobold Experts with Profession (miner)
1927: Nor will we attempt to tunnel our way around, under, or over, every encounter and claim we deserve XP since we bypassed it.
1928: Nor will we attempt to dig a 1000-foot pit under every creature we see.
1929: We will not zerg rush every ****ing creature that moves 20ft left of the 1000 ft pit trap just out of spite.
1930: Nor will I use leadership and take nothing but kobold trapmakers as my followers.
1931: And we will not attempt to turn the world into a giant death trap.
1932: Nor will this trap be powerful enough to destroy this world and the 5 closest worlds.
1933: Should we build this trap, it will not be set to go off when the first random person leaves the town.
1934: I am not allowed to put a single rank into the new Profession (Demolition) skill if my intention is to destroy a world or a small country.
1936: I did not fall into the burning ring of fire, no matter how many red dragons there are flanking me
1937: If an rogue sneak attacks me, he is not a 'camper', or a 'barretard'
1938: Shadow dragons do not want to be my friend
1939: If somehow the dm lets me play a celestial, he cannot have only one wing and constantly use prestigiwhatever to make latin music play in the background
1940: May not base characters off of protagonists ( or antagonists) from sci-fi movies.
1941: gnome toss is not a professional sport.
1942: Neither is halfing, dwarf, or xeph toss, no matter how far the xeph would go,
1943: kender are okay to toss, as long as they get hurt
1944: no matter how much I bribe the dm, can't play a shadow dragon. or any kind of dragon for that matter.
1945: I may not tattoo a permanent symbol of pain on my forehead.
1947. "No, Pelor will not will not use his divine powers to turn the corn field into a thriving popcorn buisness."
1949: If the DM does allow me to play some form of awakened cat sorceror I am not allowed to have a human familiar.
1950: Nor can I take the leadership feat and obtain a human wizard for a follower and claim to be his familar
1951: Gunslinging Thri-kreen Ninja is right out.
1952: Especially on Athas.
1953: No I cannot play a warforged on Athas.
1954: In fact I can only play a human on Athas. Ever.
1955: No my Star Wars character cannot build an army of droids.
1956: Even if his Craft (Droid) skill is high enough.
1957: No, not even if he already has enough money.
1958: Take your eye's off the lightsaber now.
1959: Never again am I to play a dwarven paladin of the Beer Goddess.
1960: Even if there is a Beer Goddess.
1961: Nor is said dwarven paladin of the beer goddess to "surf" on his dead paladin friend's body down a corridor that has been sliked with a grease spell even if there is a very good reason for it.
1962: Yes you will need to have an attonement spell cast after doing that.
1963: I don't care if your dwarf beer paladin with a dex penalty is the only one who made the reflex save to avoid the trap, the gods are not smiling on you and still need to Atone.
1964: No, rolling a max damage critical on the evil cleric that subsequently fails it's massive damage check is not an atonement.
1965: Nor is getting the prudish elf drunk, even if you are a beer paladin.
1966: No more beer paladins. Ever.
1967: No, King Tectuktitlay of Draj is not King "*****tickle"
1969: No you cannot play a paladin on Athas.
1970: Nor a warlock.
1971: Nor a ninja.
Sadly, none of these are made up
1974: Whomever NPC successfully kills the rogue not only deserves said bounty, but an immediate increase in level/HD/and or reputation.
1975: I will not complain when the inevitable death of the rogue comes to fruition.
1976: I will not plot to skip town when the guards come knocking.
1977: I will sick the ferret on the guard's pants.
1978: Frying pans are not the answer to life's queries.
1979: Unless you are a woman.
1978: Frying pans are not the answer to life's queries.
1979: Unless you are a woman.
You're good man! you're really good!!
1981. No insatiable sexual attraction to small, furry rodents
1982. No insatiable sexual attraction to buildings
1983. No fighters in green full-plate armour, high-powered repeating crossbows, and airships, who say "I'm finishing this fight."
1984. No random polymorph spells with the trigger words: And now for something completely different.
1985. No returning a bird familiar of any sort to a store saying it was dead when bought
1985. If defeating any sort of construct, I may not throw it in to lava, and it does not give a thumbs up
1986. Psionic characters may not be zombified, then renamed the queen of blades.
1987. No storylines/characters named or based from Blizzard, Bungie, Monty Python, or movies.
1988. No chocobo breeding.
1989. No Red Bull
1990. My character is not on the Atkins Diet.
1991. Nobody calls my characters "homedawg," "pimp," or any other term from Gizoogle.
10 more to go!
1993. "Angst" is not an appropriate use of the command spell.
1994. My cleric does not have the Angst domain.
1995. Will I shut up about angst already!!!
1996. I may not play a monkey with a British accent.
1997. I may not have any sort of living animal grafted onto me.
1998. I may not use a quarterstaff made of luhix.
1999. Loaded dice are not an expression of the luck god's favor.
2000. I may not attack other party members on the grounds that "they might be doppelgangers."
2001! Any plan involving the phrase "Leeeeeeeeeeroy Jennnnkinnnnnnnns!" is RIGHT OUT.
2003. I do not have Power Word: Anagram, and thus cannot make the Pit Fiend into a Pit Friend.
2004. my bard does not have Power Word: Fart, and thus cannot use it on annoying courtiers in the presence of royalty.
2005. I do not have Proficiency in thrown party members.
2006. "Donut Spell" is not a Metamagic feat, even if it would let me fireball the enemies surrounding the fighter while missing the fighter.
I think somebody needs to rename this topic. :D
1980. No insatiable coprophilia
1981. No insatiable sexual attraction to small, furry rodents
1982. No insatiable sexual attraction to buildings
1983. No fighters in green full-plate armour, high-powered repeating crossbows, and airships, who say "I'm finishing this fight."
1984. No random polymorph spells with the trigger words: And now for something completely different.
1985. No returning a bird familiar of any sort to a store saying it was dead when bought
1985. If defeating any sort of construct, I may not throw it in to lava, and it does not give a thumbs up
1986. Psionic characters may not be zombified, then renamed the queen of blades.
1987. No storylines/characters named or based from Blizzard, Bungie, Monty Python, or movies.
1988. No chocobo breeding.
1989. No Red Bull
1990. My character is not on the Atkins Diet.
1991. Nobody calls my characters "homedawg," "pimp," or any other term from Gizoogle.
10 more to go!
You have 1985 twice
2010: I may not Invent the electric light
2011: I may not simulate the effect of my fireball with dynamite...
2012: especially not on my dm's bed (-.-)
2014. or core class
2015. or template
2016. i will not assume that creating such stuff will create fun for evereybody
2017. i will not figure out a campaign based on books (don't try this at home...no really, don't)
2019: I'm no longer allowed to create my custom race
2020: I'm no longer allowed to create my custom campaign
2021: I'm no longer to DM ever!
2023: Raz is to make a valid attempt at learning the law of the land
2024: Raz is NOT to teach his ferret familiar the finer points of stealing
2025: Raz MUST register his familiar as a lethal/annoying weapon at each town he visits
2026: No matter what Raz may think, he CAN NOT OUT DRINK A DWARF!!!
2027: No Raz may not say that the Dwarf looses on grounds that he can't keep his seat
2028: People do use spellcraft alot Raz
2029: Raz may not 'get away with it' whatever IT may be!
2030: Everything from 2021-2029 is only theoritical if not silly. Raz is Raz, and therefore probably going to break rules anyways.
2032: I will not attempt to start a chain of illithid-targeted restaurant/dance clubs called "The Lobe."
2033: "Riverdance" is not part of Bardic Music.
2034: eyeballs are not a fashion accessory. (actually happened...)
2036: The gnome wildmage CANNOT shoot butterflies out of his ass.
2037: If the DM allows 2036, it cannot be used as a breathweapon.
2038: Butterflies in mass numbers do not do damage.
2039: Leave the poor cat alone.
2042: No longer allowed to pretend to be a Cleric of Pelor.
2042: No longer allowed to wear robes or a holy symbol of Pelor no matter my alignment.
2043: I will not smite the DM by NOT using wild shape the first three sessions, wait for us to get locked up into jail with two mages waiting to counter my spells and then wild shape into a raven and fly away when he forgot that I was a druid.
2044: I will not accuse the DM of Metagaming… often.
2046: Or arrows.
2047: Or use Spectral hand with the above to point out the enemy.
2048: Heck, I'm not allowed to use Continual Flame.
2049: Not allowed to cast Alarm with radius of 5 feet around me, and then accuse people of entering my personal space.
2050: "PWNED" is not an acceptable Arcane Mark
2051: Not allowed to use Augury on the Deck of Many Things.
2052: Not allowed to Awaken the paladin's special mount.
2053: Not allowed to Awaken the wizard's familiar.
2054: Awaken doesn't exist.
2055: Barkskin does NOT give me fast healing 1 in sunlight.
2056: May not make up own curses for "Bestow Curse"
2057: Black Tentacles is not allowed within 100 feet of any female humanoids or monstrous humanoids.
2058: "Bless You" is not the verbal component to the Bless spell.
2059: This does not preclude usage of Bless on a person who just sneezed.
2060: Nor does it substitute for saying "Bless You".
2061: You may not use Sending or Message to Call Lightning, even if you've got an NPC friend back in town nicknamed Lightning.
2062: I'm not allowed to give NPCs nicknames so I can do things like that.
2063: Chill Metal is NOT how the barman keeps your drinks cold.
2064: Chill Metal is not nice to cast on a warforged.
2065: Cloudkill does not stop storms.
2066: There is no "Control Pants" spell.
2068: Due to 2067 I am not allowed to Touch a Wand of Lightning or the Bards Instruments. (Hempen Rope is still in debate)
2069: The halfling, gnome or any humanoid under 4' of height is not my guinea pig just because he/she is "Small Enough".
2070: I am to make sure I take care of ALL of nature's needs before suiting up in my Full Plate.
2072: I am not allowed to breed any *more* Half-Orcs- Half Elfs
2073: I may not attempt to create Kender by crossbreeding Gnomes and Halflings.
2074: a Half-Fiend and Half Celestial is impossible to make and i should stop trying.
2075: A Half-Ogre Halfling is right out.
-Remember, the rogue is your friend...
2076-If the DM rolls, and then the NPC he controls says that he has "a bad feeling about this", I shall not continue on without a care...
-Remember, the rogue is your friend...
2077) If the DM makes a roll I may not stop moving and cast protective spells on myself, even if i know the DM is not bluffing.
(sooner or later...)
2078) Not able to play a kobald
2079) May not be a dragonborn with both dragon breath and wings
2080) May not be dragonborn period.
2081) May not play a dragon
2082) May not have a dragon cohort/familiar/fiendish servant/special mount
2083) May not choose feats from races of the dragon or the draconomicon
2084) May not choose spells from abovesaid sources.
2085) Screw it, if it has draconic heritage it doesn't exist.
2086) If i ever obtain a races of the wild book I am to burn it without reading it
2087) May not spend more than 10 minutes a day re-reading sourcebooks for new data/loopholes
2088) No more alternate races/spells/feats/classes/items that are not in the core rulebooks
2089) When #2088 is implemented it does not override #2087
2090) May not plot to kill the rogue even if he does so to me. (And no, the rogue is definately *not* my friend)
2092) I am not allowed to ask weather or not every buff/healing spell cast on me has SR simply because I have SR and did not spend a standard action to lower it. It wastes too much valuable time.
2093) I am not to assume every elf not wearing armor is a wizard.
2094) I am not allowed to say sorcorers are weak within earshot of unarmored elves.
2095) I am not to make any battle plans that involve telling the warforged juggernaught charger "Wait," even if they are really, really good plans.
2096) I am not to assume that "it" will power attack enough to make my AC lower than "its" attack bonus.
2097) Low hit point totals are not valid weaknesses for NPCs I wish to be frighting in combat.
2100-Chaotic Neutral characters do not always do random, stupid things.
2101-Random, stupid things do involve killing or humiliating pc's.
2102-Doing said random things may change ones alignment, no matter the argument.
Ank, the rogue is your friend, until stolen from, attacked, or until he feels like it is time to break the ice. Other than that, The Rogue is your friend.
2104-Female party members are not barganing chips...all of the time.
2105-I shall not be the one who holds the hempen rope
2106-Not all female characters have an escape artist check
2107-Nor should they.
2108-The female party member may not have the lowest charisma in the group.
2109-I am not to think or say obscene things about the female party member..
2110-....especially if she is a half orc. If so, cancel 2108.
2111-Female party members must have a spare set of clothing at all times.
2112-...Female clothing may not be white.
2113-If clothing is white, I may not know the spell Produce Water, or own a decanter of endless water, or have anything that might make her wet.
2114-if she gets wet, by chance, I may not yell out "wet t-shirt contest!" or "take it off!!"
2115- Mentioning any of these may get me slapped, or castrated.
Remember, the Rogue is your friend..
Ank, the rogue is your friend, until stolen from, attacked, or until he feels like it is time to break the ice. Other than that, The Rogue is your friend.
You mean the rogue is my friend for the first 5 minutes? ;) OK, the rogue is my friend, i suppose he has done a few things for me, but i like to thing of him as a liability/loosecannon/turncoat/etc.
2116) May not challenge another player to duel and give him a handicap because you are the "powergamer"
2117) Especially when said player whips out a charecter 6 levels higher than you, with stats higher than you, and a level adjustment of +4
2118) Especially if said player owns a legendary weapon
2119) Especially when said weapon deals 3d6 a level
2120) May not say "that BS!" even if you know it is not humanly possible
2121) May not be mad that said staff does x3 more damage than the enemy sorceror's spells themselves
2122) May NOT be mad that a full-round action allows three hits per turn with a +18 base attack on each one.
2123) When said player exits duel for some reason I may not invite everyone (each with at least II levels higher than me) to fight and let me see how many i can take down in that time.
2124) In such an occurance I may not be mad that the legendary staff takes me down in one hit.
2125) Even if I was using enough buffs to gain +10 hit points, and an AC of 31 for an 8th lvl sorc.
2125) May not challenge said player to another duel with a new charecter, one equal to his level.
2126) May not plot to steal the staff with a magic spell and then let the guy find out i have spell resistance 24.
2127) May not own a quaal's feather token: whip.
2117-No smacking the dm
2118-...even if the dm is acting like an a**
2119-...even if acting that way is his right, as a dm.
2120-Don't assume everyone the dm mysteriously makes appear is an enemy.
2121-No killing DM controlled PC's.
Liability to some, hero to others, thief to all!
~Remember, the rogue is your friend.~
2123) No, halflings and gnomes do not, in fact, wield "tactical" weaponry.
2124) ...Nor do you get bonuses for calling your weapons "tactical".
2125) No harvesting demon body parts.
2126) ...In fact, no body part harvesting of any sort.
2127) Not even if you have a "Knowledge (Physiology)" (or any subtype variant thereof) or "Knowledge (Necrology)" rank.
2128) "Necromancing the night away" is not a reasonable alibi.
2129) There are to be no comments made about the Paladins "two handed holy avenger".
2130) No you may not eat the god-thing.
2131) ...Not even a little bit.
(Chaotic Evil Rogue/Clerics are your friends!)
Not entirely sure if someone's covered this though:
306. Chaotic Evil dieties do not have hymnals.
Actually, Cthulhu does.
say, "I pick it up!!!"
2133- Said fork may no longer be used as a back up weapon.
2134- Or a primary for that matter.
2036: he may not be a lvl 20 Player
2037: or a lvl 2 bar keep
2037:I can not ask the Female paladin out on a date no matter how high my charisma is
2038: Why? because her boyfreind a lvl 30 fighter and I dont have a weapon
2039: I cant create that wand of shrink clothes and use it on said fighter to embariss him in front of the paladin
2040: no matter how pathetic he looks under the armor
2041:Why? because he dosnt look pathetic under the armor
2042: when said fighter kills me I cant make a lvl 30 paladin and chalenge him to a duel to win the other paladins attention
2043: WHY!!!! BECAUSE I WILL LOSE!!!!!!
2044: There is no "Power Word: I don't give a
.2045: My Monk/Sorc/Arcane trickster is not reuquired to shout "Believe it!!" at the end of every declarative statement.
2046: "We feed the paladin to it and run like rabbits" is NOT a valid backup plan if the assualt on the ancient Red fails.
2047: I am not allowed to charm the half-ogre barmaid and say "The paladin really likes you, you know that?" This will get me slapped by the Paladin's player.
2048: I am not to refer to the Paladin as the "fist of God" in the middle of the orc camp.
2049: I am not to vent my hatred for paladins in any way, as a matter of fact.
2050: YES, there IS a spoon, dangit!! Especially in the presence of epic monks!!
2051: I am not allowed to bet peasants 2000 gold that they can't say "Hastur" three times fast.
2051: I am not allowed to bet peasants 2000 gold that they can't say "Hastur" three times fast.
I'm not allowed to
2052: The Lady of Pain does not appreciate being waylaid by door-to-door salesmen.
2053: I am not allowed to ask the party if slapping a fly that hasn't actually bitten the character yet violates a paladin's code.
2054: My superstitious characters are not allowed to stay home every march 15th.
2055: If the BBEG is a greatsword-wielder, I am not allowed to ask if he is compensationg for "somthing".
2056: I am not allowed to cast Command: Striptease on every female NPC I come across unless my cleric is a devotee of Aphrodite.
2057: When confronting the god of flame, it is a bad idea to flip him off.
2058: I am not allowed to kill good drow on sight.
2059: As DM, I am not allowed to stat up a new monster, PrC, or race every time I see a cool bit of movie, anime, or conversation. Every third time is plenty. (True, actually).
2060: I am not allowed to ask Warforged if they can "do the robot".
2061: My druid's awakened riding dog is not named "Scooby Doo". And no, druids don't wear bell bottoms.
2063: I'm not allowed to make bards anymore.
2064: Or palidans.
2065: Or wizards.
2066: I'm not allowed to look at MY DM sheets anymore.
2070: If I played Ebberon, I would not be able to invent the atomic bomb.
2071: Or techno.
2072: Or a nuclear mushroom cloud.
2073: Or discover the lost race of Smilees.
2078: Especially when the dwarf is named Mulch.
2079: And the elf is named Holly.
2080: A thirteen year-old human, lv. 2, with a 73 intelligence is an impossibility.
2081: Do not have said human named Artemis.
2082: Gnomes do not have big butts and I cannot lie.
2083: Sprites do not have wings.
2084: Centaurs do not have over 5,000,000,000 patented inventions.
2085: As above, but with pixies.
Guys, Don't let this thread die.
Footnote=#, see thread, 101 (funny) ways to mess with your DM. Please post in it.
2087: My human rogue skillomancer is not named "Bond James Bond".
2088:No more collapsing demiplanes.
2089: The Elemental Plane of Kender is NOT an acceptable destination to send annoying bad guys.
2090: Cyberdemons don't exist.
2091: My ghostly bard is not named "Ember".
2092: Especially when they can talk.
2093: Or are named Sam and Max.
2094: Or have a habit of arresting innocent citizens.
2095: Or any combination of the above.
2097: I will not use this thread as an idea repository.
2098: My druid may not summon the Bunny of Farr-the-Loin (From Monty Python).
2099: If my character has a burrow speed, he cannot dig to China.
2100: I will not create a dwarven ranger with favored enemy: Human in a human party
2014: I will not, "insist on showing what my character does with his weapon with the DM's sword." Go to thread, 101 (Funny) ways to mess w/ the DM. Please post in it.
2106: I will not constantly pimp out random threads on ANY forum board. ( I do this too, so sue me) :P
2107: I will not make a rogue who hates paladins just so that I can express my paladin hatred in-game without fear of reprisal.
2109: I will not use the halfling as a chew toy.*
2120: I will not use tacky sayings such as, "Things are unraveling fast now!" when I destroy, threaten, or fight with some one. That one was destroying a flying carpet.
2121: I will not name my character Zorrel and have him carve a z into the neck of the main villian at the start of the campaign.
*My party's half-giant werewolf.
2113: May not have my changeling turn into a female party member and flash the rest of the party.
2114: ESPECIALLY if said female party member has full BAB progression.
2115: May not refer to a Barbezu as a hobo.
2116: May not attempt to recreate any character from a videogame.
2117: This goes double if I have to use the Ghostwalk rules.
2118: A 3rd Edition Druid is not, repeat, not a Pokemon trainer. (Badgerchu, I choose you!)
2120: There is no Summon Munster spell.
2121: I will not ever again cast Fireball on a grain silo.
2123. Especially if that cleric happens to be my ex-girlfriend.
2124. I am not allowed to be a gnome hell bent on creating the first bubble-gum flavored potion of Cure Light Wounds.
2125. As Fizzleborp's DM, I am no longer aloud to say "You find a fork in the road" unless someone made a DC20 Spot check. TO indicate a forking road, I must say "The road forks up ahead".
2126. Mind Flayer Paladins are not allowed to change the name of the Extract ability to "Suck Brains Out of Evil".
2127. I am not allowed to play a strong hero that asks fellow characters what they would do for the flying car.
2128. I am no longer allowed to be a mixture of Han Solo and Larry the Cable Guy as a Jedi in Star Wars d20.
2130: Same for the Lady of Pain.
2131: My fighter's name is not Maximus.
2132: I am not allowed to save evryone some trouble and kill the BBEG when he's just startign out.
2133: No randomly casting Detect "X" spells on commoners. :D
The worst group I have is the reason for this. Please, don't ask. I'll just say I've got the edited, annotated, and abridged version. The culprit was 25.
"The road forks up ahead"
2135: I will not respond to this statement by asking who, exactly, the road is forking.
2137: No more of the same things about max damage die after shoving so-and-so into the middle of a lava lake.
2138: THERE IS NO WAY IN F***ING BAATOR THAT YOU WILL BE ALLOWED TO PLAY A PALASSASSIN!!(DEFINITELY a stupid idea.)
2139: Pixies do not register on "Detect Evil". (A Planet AD&D joke). Click the link in my sig and search for "Pixies" for more info.
2141: Said cardboard box does not grant me bonuses to Move Silently or Hide checks.
2142: I may not play a level 20 sorcerer with the feat to share spells with my familiar, and have my familiar be a pika.
2143: I may not use Shrink Item on a warship.
2144: Especially if I have a Bag of Holding.
2145: Especially if I plan to empty said bag on the BBEG's fortress.
2146: I may not cast Awaken on a tyranosaurus. Especially maximized.
2147: I may not bombard the enemy fortress with animals from a Bag of Tricks.
I've actually thought of trying some of these...
2049: Said japanese schoolgirl may not prance around in her outift in America cause it's "A school trip".
2050: She is also not allowed free small arms proficiency because "She attends public school, dude. OF COURSE she knows how to work a pistol!"
2051: I may not seperate my new character from the part to head to the nearest open area under taped closed-circuit cameras.
2052: I may not then shout "Ia! Ia! Cthulu ftaghn! Cthulu ftaghn! Ia! Hastur, Hastur, Hastur, Hastur Hastur Hastuuur!!" at the top of my voice, followed by all the rest of the summoning words for every member of the Cthulian pantheon.
2053: Especially if doing so works and surrounds me with the entire Cthulian pantheon.
2054: No asking for detailed decription of the following events.
2055: I am not allowed to speculate on how quickly the video ends up on the Internet.
2056: There is no "Wash, Rinse, Repeat" stage to this plan. Shut up already.
2057: I do NOT get "Perv points" for this. They don't exist!!
2058: I am no longer allowed to play CoC games.
2160. I may not attempt to create a mobius portal.
2161. I may not even THINK the words "spell" and "Escher" within 5 minutes of each other.
2163: "Meat Shield" is not a proper nik-name to give to the same player's new halfling wizard, even if you do strap him to your arm.
2164: Asking to spend Action Points to spontaniously create a Decanter of Endless Butter is not a succussful way to combat giant crabs...
2165: ...when facing said crabs, if the only female player in the game says she doesn't know about "crabs" do not... do not... DO NOT make a joke about how she should know all about "crabs" with how sleezy she is! (Especialy if you're sitting right next to her at the table!!!!)
All these things pretty much happened at the last game, so if they sound like repeats I'm sorry!
2167: Or veins, nerves, or other major things that could cuase quick death to be broken.
2168:I can not control dragons by looking directly into thier eyes shortly after hatching.
2169: And they can, in fact, think ahead and remember more than a few days.
2170: May not, under any circumstances, attempt to give red dragons modifications that would make them any more dangerous. ( I've tied, poor artificer was never seen again, and the campain world shortly died)
2171: May not attempt to LARP, especially if I'm a combat class or use a chain like weapon.
2172: No playing tri kreen.
2173: If I somehow got one, they can't coat themselves in metal and start quadra-weilding brilliant energy longswords.
Also: Whats 'hastur'?
2174. I did not prepare explosive runes this morning.
2175. If I think it's a good idea, the party will not do it.
2176. I may not name my character Titus Percival Kafka, Thomas Pierce Krellington, Tiberius Petrius Kane, or any other name with initals TPK.
2179: No more castign Charm Person on the barmaid for a night.
2180: unless I'm evil, no castign Hold Person on commoners and loading them into ballistae during a long siege.
2181: I am not allowed to Charm the princess after we rescue her from the troll/dragon/orc camp/whatever.
2184: As a DM, I am no longer allowed to have our human Emulator (class in sig) PC have a overly horny female Githyanki psychic warrior stalker.
2185: Or a human male fighter/barbarian stalker who dual weilds whips for that matter.
2186: The monk may not take the githyanki off of his hands.
2187: The female cleric may not take the fighter off of his hands.
2188: As a DM, I am no longer allowed to make sadistic seer psion NPCs, especially if they are one of the heroes.
2189: My evoker's battleplan cannot involve him ripping his shirt, yelling the villains' last name and having an NPC bring him coffee.
2190: My rogue's battle plan can no longer allow the Eberronian invention of the Reuben sandwich.
2192. My third wish cannot be 'I wish you wouldn't grant this wish'
2193.Cannot use the jedi mind trick to get out of a speeding ticket.
2194. When the CO asks for volunteers, I can't help others make a decision.
2195. I am not from Margaritaville, and even if I was, that doesn't excuse
the Hawaiian shirt and lawn chair during the dress inspection.
2196.There are no DnD alignments called Progressive, Dish, Ding, Bob,
Belgium, or Romulan.
2197.When wiring bombs cannot use only wires of one color. Nukes comes
under this rule as well.
2198.Cannot challenge other PCs by saying "Whoever gets to San 0 first
wins!"
2199.Saying "Can you hear me now?" during the radio check is a shooting
offence.
2200.Can no longer take jive or slang or Ebonics as a language
2203: No more admantine mailboxes, either.
2204: No more throwing adamantine mailboxes at enemies.
2205: No more Dominate Animal to make the halfling's riding dog hump the BBEG's leg.
2206: No more calling myself Bobby Bart Evan Gerald, or any other name which has initials of BBEG.
2207: My half-orc is not "Wurf, son of Mohk".
2177- Justin Deeniko Time is NOT an approprate character name EVER
No, no, that's the gnomish Cleric: Father Justin Nicholas Thyme. From "In the Net of Dreams".
2210. I am not to attempt to use constructs as can openers. Or bottle openers. Especially Marut.
2211. Or anchors. Even tho they're good at it.
2212. Trying to jump from the bottom floor of a house to the upper floor of a house through the ceiling will kill my character. Argue and my character will actually explode on contact with the ceiling.
2214. The moment that my Dread Pirate, while navigating a skiff among huge rock outcroppings in high winds and evading the Agrilond Navy utters the words "I am a leaf on the wind," either the ship will explode or Szass Tam will be immediately teleported aboard. Your pick.
), I may not go, "Ararararar, iiimplode."2217: Especially when that character's name is Homer.
2218: Or the name of that campaign is: Episode #that-Lisa-wrote-an-essay-on-the-difference-of-explosion-and-implosion-on-The-Simpsons.
2219: Being the town simpleton is not an exceptable class.
2220: Especially when said class is so common in your family line that your last name is Simpson.
2222: No more making a Varsuvius clone. Ever.
2224. The pirates will not sass my frass.
2225. May not reference kol, all such quotes summon kobold psions.
2226. May not name a cat being 'Ratchet', double if theres guns in the game.
2227. If it requires hypothetical or astrophysics, I can't research the spell to try it. ( So no nuetrinoball for mister astrophisysist)
2228. May not read books that might give ideas for characters.
2178: If I am an epic rogue with maxed-out Bluff skills, I cannot persuade random commoners that their names are "Archery Practice Target #1", "Cannon Fodder #456", or any similar.
2180: unless I'm evil, no castign Hold Person on commoners and loading them into ballistae during a long siege.
I so wanna hear what happened for these.
2229: I may not use the halfling rogue as an exceptable substitute to bribe ogres when I am broke.
2230: When creating a flesh golem, I may not shout, "IT'S ALIVE!" at the top of my lungs.
2231: Especially during a thunder storm.
2232: Or when my character's last name is either Frankenstein or Fronkensteen.
2233: I am not allowed to have a follower/cohort named either Igor or I-gor at the time of creation.
Add-on
2234: I may not have a female campanion named either Inga or Whatever-the-original-Dr.-Frankenstein's-lab-assintant-was-named#
#= Not actual name.
2236: This goes for double if it becomes calico at the full moon.
#= This only applies if time travel exists in that game, but, not being a Ebberonian, I wouldn't know if that was even somewhat plausible.
2239) Do not blackmail the mayor, even small town have their thorns
2240) This goes double if you know there is an epic or near-epic npc in town
2241) Do not assume that everyone is a level one commoner and will die at the first slice of your sword
2242) Not all guards are level 3 warriors with weak stats, and i am not to assume so
2243) Yes, the magic shop IS guarded
2244) Repeat after me: "The DM is always right, The Dm is always right."
2245) Repeat after me: "It is NOT just a game."
2246) I may not assume the DM has run out of tricks.
2247) The evil cleric of vecna and his perverted "wishing well" do not always have to give good treasure.
2248) I May not try to explore the cave just so the dm will be force to turn the map over.
2249) *sigh* mass murder is *cough* not *cough* wrong.
2250) No, i do not have 28 ranks in spot.
2251) Saying "You know you want to..." to the dm will only get you smacked and your charecter killed.
2252) Just because the DM likes dragons does not mean they appear for no reason
2253) May not ask DM what said reason is
2254) May not steal the first "shiny" i see on my into town
2255) Urinating, pooping, or otherwise during combat or in town will kill get your charecter killed from a heart attack
2256) Immune: disease does not counter said heart attack
2257) I dont care what your fortitude save is, the heart attack kills you.
2258) NO, the druid can NOT give you CPR.
2259) NO, THE CLERIC WILL NOT CAST RAISE DEAD ON YOU.
2260) nor ressurection
2261) Nor miracle
2262) Nor wish
2263) Clone, when did you cast clone!? Forget it, your soul is eaten by a demon.
2264) No, it is not fair to assume that your personal balor ate his soul and you gain power for the sacrifice.
2265) No, your fly speed is not 500ft. with manuverablilty good
2266) Your weapon, i dont care if its legendary, does not have +15 attack roll, 3 hits per standard action for D6/level.
2267) No duplicating cloud, clouds sword, or anything else from final fantasy.
2268) Finnaly, if you try to kill a party member and find a sanctuary effect in place, the DM *had* planned it and will show you where in his personal notebook.
p.s. lets get some new posts guys.
p.p.s. sorry about chance from you/I/we in all my sentances most of them still only apply to the players.
2270: My bard cannot recreate the Numa Numa song.
2271: I may not make a halfling Darth Vader.
2272: No more shouting "Will you marry me?" to random NPCs I've never seen before.
2273: If I play a Thri-Kreen, he does not get to pass the night poking the party paladin with a stick to keep him awake.
2274: "Weapon Focus: Stick" is not a valid feat choice.
2275: Nor is "Improved Critical: Stick".
2276: I may not buy a +2 keen paladin bane stick.
2277: A stick is not an exotic piercing weapon that is free and has negligible weight.
2278: Nor does it do damage.
2279: I may not summon the God of Sticks.
2280: Said God of Sticks is NOT an overdiety ruling the Elemental plane of sticks.
How's that?
2282- also, I may no longer show up to the gaming table look like said person, especially if it is NOT a LARP session
2284: I am not John Wayne, and carrying a repeating hand crossbow does not change that.
2285: I may not use the bard's suggestion ability with the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me."
2287. No matter how hungry you're Half-Orc is, he cannot eat the Halfling.
2289. No, the banjo is not a weapon.
2290. A Half-Orc Bard is not the smartest combination.
2291. The bard is not a decoy.
2292. The Half-Orc may not be used as a mount.
2293. You may not invent electricity.
2294. Even if you're character is named Thomas Edison.
2295. No matter what Lucas Arts says, THERE IS NO LIGHTSABER!!!
2296. You cannot lure a Rat Moreau out with cheese.
2289. No, the banjo is not a weapon.
Choose your weapon.
I choose the banjo!
I accept.
You do?
~Conversation between Guybrush Threepwood and... a... Pirate. Imagine that.
2298. Mass Cannons are not for use inside spance ships
2299. All mutations must meet with the partys aprovel
2300. Nukes are never to be used for pratical jokes
2302. I will not defeat the T-1000 in a fist fight.
lightsaber.
2304. When any character from a d20 sourcebook is allowed, that doesn't
include System Lords.
2305.I am not authorized to start any civil engineering project on the
taxpayer's dime.
2306.No, I do not get XP for every single crewman on that Star Destroyer.
2307.I cannot insert the words "Kill Phil, Sorry Phil" into any list of
instructions. (cookie,if you name the reference)
2308.There is no Gnomish Deathgrip, and even if there was, it wouldn't
involve tongs.
2309.If the king rewards me with a forest, I am to assume he intends for me
to keep it a forest.
2310.Swinging from chandeliers into the bar brawl is perfectly fine for a
swashbuckler, but not for my unarmored halfling accountant.
2311. Especially when he's swinging the payroll sack as a weapon.
It is from Shawn of the Dead. Also while it is funny it has already been listed.
Heres your cookie
2312: Can no longer use the Net Book of Practical Jokes and Pranks as inspiration for characters
2313: If my character history in plain text format can fill an entire DVD I am not allowed to play that character.
2314: A solid brick wall is intended as a barrier against my character's progress, not as a handy source of bricks.
2315: If I need calculus to explain my plan, it is not allowed.
2316: The translation of the spell is not "Two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onion on a sesame seed bun."
2317: Reading the spell backwards does not reverse it's effect.
2318: Nor is it a good song.
2319: Not allowed to make any character that makes me giggle that much.
2320: Klingon turn Borg fighter/magic user is not allowed in any form of game again.
2321: Assimilating henchmen from other party members is considered bad form.
2322: Assimilating other party members is not an acceptible way of gaining henchmen.
2323: I will not attempt to gain "irony points" by hitting the sentry with a bottle of stimulants to render him unconscious.
2324: When the GM asks to see my character sheet prior to the beginning of the first adventure, I am not to hand him a 2"-thick folio and make him find the character sheet buried somewhere among all of the ancillary paperwork (driver's license, college diploma and transcript, DD-214, passport, 24-page background history, etc.) that I created for the character.
2325: When the GM says "There's a fork in the road..." Never cut him off by asking if there's a knife, spoon, or tea cozy.
2326: Don't say "I pick it up." either.
2327: It should not take 3 pages to list my entire character name. I should not insist that the full name be ready at every introduction.
2328: Even if my cleric has the domains of Wealth and Healing doesn't give me the right to start an HMO.
2329: The Halfling Paladin does not represent the Lollipop Guild.
2330: No longer allowed to make a character who's backstory is more detailed than the GM's campaign backstory.
2332:.....Orcs can't touch their toes.
2334:......Nor can Dwarves.
2335:...Rich Ardsimmons is not an acceptable name....ever.
2336: Human, dwarven, elven, orc, halfling, or gnome skin does not give armor bonuses, even when that is what your current clothing is made of.
2337: Not even when successfully crafted.
2338: May not create the Hadoken, even when you are wearing a large, tan, brimmed hat, have yellow, glowing eyes, and a large blue robe....
2339: Said robe does not double as a dress, when suddenly discovered in the female elves locker room.
2340:.......no, elves do not have locker rooms.
2341:...Do not touch the purple stones..
2342:...If carrying a set of opposite sex clothing, please, by all means, grab the purple stones.....( Ank, remember Anastasio?)
2326: Don't say "I pick it up." either.
Now your just getting worse! I'm the one who said that!
893:Preform:kazoo is not an acceptable instrument for my bard
894:I am not allowed to revel about how many donkies I could buy with the gold we found
895:I am not authorized to claim myself "the king of no pants"
896:Whispering gibberish in my teamate's ear to look like Im scheming is strictly forbidden
897:Knowledge:everything is not a proper skill selection
898:I can no longer use cannibalism as a character flaw
899:Explosive diarhea is not an actual status ailment
900:Invisibiltiy is not to be used on an attractive woman's clothing
2354. I DO NOT get bonus from using any "For Dummies" books
2355. My character can not offer to build thermalnuclar devices for food or lodging,nor can i trade said devices for the above mentioned items
2290. A Half-Orc Bard is not the smartest combination.
My friend used that in a homebrew of mine. He multi-classed it with fighter and he's actually one of the more dangerous members of the group (and best roleplayer).
2356. Cannot make it a personal goal to leave every town/kingdom while being chased by guards.
2357. Cannot order the druid guard the horses during a fight, just because he can talk to them.
2358. Will not let myself get arrested just so i can recruit the biggest, meanest criminal there.
2359. Cannot stage a teammate's funeral in front of the other teammates, even if he is genuinely dead.
2360. Cannot pay a priest of chaos to cast Raise Dead on the party member while he is still buried.
2361. Regardless of what kind of clawed weapons i have (natural or otherwise), i cannot demand "I roar like Wolverine"every time i attack.
2361. I cannot make the evil minions cry via a relentless Irresistable Dance
2362. The phrase "I sit back and watch Ecko kill Satan," will be used once and ONLY once per campaign.
2363. Just because violence CAN solve everything doesn't mean that it is our only choice
2364. No killing yourself "just to see if i get Reincarnated as a dragon"
2365. No repeating 2364 when you don't.
Some variety of all these things happened in our game...
2367. Even if I have a plausible (or semi-plausible) reason that everyone thought it was scrapped
2368. May not name a vehicle "Great Fenian Ram" (and 500 exp for whoever knows what the "Great Fenian Ram" was...)
2366. "South Dakota class battleship" is not an acceptable choice of weapon OR vehicle...
on the heels of that one:
2369. My character can not build Ronald Reagan Class carriers,no matter how many I ranks have in any craft or knowledege skills
2370. Nor can I can build Seawolf class subs
2371. this goes for any weapons in the arsenal of any army,navay and air force in the world.
2373: A Tarrasque does NOT make a good mount no matter how well you can convice the DM/GM
2374: Favored enemy: Dm ran is not a valid choice
2375: Nor is NPC
2376- Corellon Larethian is not Ozzy Osborn.
2377- Sharon Larethian is most certainly not his wife.
2379 - Especially if I am a Awakened Turtle
2380 - or a Kobold
2381 - I will stop using my huge Diplomancy, to convince characters they are better off lighting themselves on fire.
2382 - Especially if they are Water Elementals.
2383 - or they are another PC
2384 - I will stop asking if Gold Coins qualify as Exotic Shurikens, and can I throw them and do damage
2385 - even if I am Drunken Master
2386 - or have the Throw Anything feat
2387 - I will stop asking my DM if throwing Gold to Commoners while wearing the Gloves of Sangren the Vigilant (throwing and returning on all thrown items), will it return to me after 1 round.
2388 - I will stop killing commoners with thrown Copper Coins, because they will make my Gold Coins less shiny.
2389 - I will stop spoiling the Lawful player's plan by singing "Bluff, Bluff the Ogre."
2390 - or "Moving Silently, So Silently through the underbrush."
2391 - I will stop singing "Stabilize, Stablize, Sta - Sta -Staaaaa - aaaa - bi - iiii - iii - lze" to Staying Alive theme music.
2392 - Especially when I am not a bard.
2393 - With a negative result in Heal.
2394 - I will stop cutting the arms off of the enemies, when I am told to "Disarm them".
2496: Especially if they're not strays.
2497: I cannot play an anthropomorphic cat with favored enemy (Rodents), a ring of regeneration and a magic butcher knife.
2498: And I can't name him Tom.
2499: I cannot say, "Ooo, kinky," when someone mentions that they have ranks in Use Rope.
2500: No matter how bad my hair is, I cannot summon monsters from ordinary trading cards, even if I call my character YuG!.
2378 - I will stop having every character buy a Kama Shell, and run around like I am a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle
2379 - Especially if I am a Awakened Turtle
2380 - or a Kobold
2381 - I will stop using my huge Diplomancy, to convince characters they are better off lighting themselves on fire.
2382 - Especially if they are Water Elementals.
2383 - or they are another PC
2384 - I will stop asking if Gold Coins qualify as Exotic Shurikens, and can I throw them and do damage
2385 - even if I am Drunken Master
2386 - or have the Throw Anything feat
2387 - I will stop asking my DM if throwing Gold to Commoners while wearing the Gloves of Sangren the Vigilant (throwing and returning on all thrown items), will it return to me after 1 round.
2388 - I will stop killing commoners with thrown Copper Coins, because they will make my Gold Coins less shiny.
2389 - I will stop spoiling the Lawful player's plan by singing "Bluff, Bluff the Ogre."
2390 - or "Moving Silently, So Silently through the underbrush."
2391 - I will stop singing "Stabilize, Stablize, Sta - Sta -Staaaaa - aaaa - bi - iiii - iii - lze" to Staying Alive theme music.
2392 - Especially when I am not a bard.
2393 - With a negative result in Heal.
2394 - I will stop cutting the arms off of the enemies, when I am told to "Disarm them".
lol, you watched the DnD webcomic. I forget the name
2503: Even if you think someone would look better for the change
2505: Especially if that might result in a +32 bonus to alchemy (and counting) at third level.
2506: Nor may said alchemist use a gnomish calculus (A&EG).
2507: Nor may his primary strategy for dungeon-clearing be:
1. Bring numerous empty barrels to near the entrance of the dungeon.
2. Use explosives to dig a well (or, if a river is available, build a pump system using Kno
(architecture and engineering).
3. Produce a gallon of ale in approximately 25 seconds (even if I managed to convince my
DM that alcohol could be produced using the alchemy skill, and that a day of work out of a
week of crafting was approximately 6 hours (though using 8 hours, the time would still
only be about 34 seconds))
4. Pour said gallon of ale into the dungeon.
5. Repeat steps 3 and 4 for several hours, or until you have exhausted about the average
treasure value per encounter of your level (given that it only costs 6 cp for the
materials for a gallon of ale, this could take some time.). This limit is because few
items are going to survive what is coming, so you don't want to exhaust too much
money on it.
6. Clear a large area in front of the dungeon.
7. Throw an alchemist's fire into the alcohol-soaked dungeon from beside the door, and
then move away from the door at full speed (barbarians and monks are good for this).
8. Observe the pyroclasm.
If monsters emerge, slay them. They are probably already intoxicated from the fumes from hundreds of gallons of ale. Alternatively, if monsters emerge near the end of the process, step 7 can be used if they will be in the blast area.
2508: May not use the above scheme to turn every dungeon we 'clean out' into a giant piece of stationary artillery by boring a secondary hole in the roof using stoneeater acid (A&EG again), then putting a wick in that hole and covering the main entrance with a giant boulder.
2509: Nor may I construct barrels with a rod covered in shockstones inside, fill the barrels with ale, and roll them down hill (or launch them out of catapults) (upon impact, rod breaks off, shockstones collide with something, produce spark, ale ignites)
2510: May not build a dwarven drunken master to complement the above character.
2368. May not name a vehicle "Great Fenian Ram" (and 500 exp for whoever knows what the "Great Fenian Ram" was...)
No takers for the exp? I'm surprised no one knows this one.
2512) Naked Mole Rat is not an acceptable choice for animial companion or familiar.
2513) I will not interupt the DM's desciption of the morning after a night's rest starting with 'dawn breaks' or 'dawn comes' to make inappropriate silly noises.
2514) My monk is not a master of Tai Shing Pek Kwar.
2515) Regardless of my jumping capability, I cannot leap into my mecha's cockpit from the ground, even if I shout 'Aiy-yar!' while doing so.
2516) The fact the party's Star of BattleMechs consist of a Timber Wolf, Adder, Thunder Stallion, Savage Coyote and a Warhawk not mean they can combine to form the Jade Falcon Megazord.
2517) Nor will I persuade my fellow players to attempt this conversion by having the Mechs run towards each other and jump.
2518) There are not AK47s for everyone.
2519) Even if the rules allow it, I cannot use all my Supply points to aquire an Asgard cruiser.
2520) I may not base any character I create on one who appears in the 'Beano'.
2521) The destruction of an entire allied civilisation does not constitute 'acceptable losses'.
2522) Summon Nature's Ally II does not allow me to summon any member of the X Men.
2528) Nor is it allowed as part of my Bard's repertoire .
2528a) Shuffling the Deck of Illusions and the Deck of Many Things together is not a good idea.
2528b) Especially if it's because "I need more cards for this particular trick."
2529) Using your BESM d20 character in a DnD game is not allowed.
2530) Even if I'm a Rock Gnome and my favored class is Bard, I'm not proficient in Electric Guitar.
2531) No spell has an arcane material component of a rubber chicken. Even if I research it myself.
2532) The Rod of Wonder is not to be used a melee weapon.
2533) A "hookah smoking catipillar" is not an acceptable character concept.
2534) I'm prohibited from advancing my Jedi Guardian as a Drunken Master.
2535) "Nuking the site from orbit" is not the "only way to be sure."
2536) d20 Mecha is not a core book, or part of the Complete Series.
2537) I may not open a planar rift to the Elemental Plane of Fire. For any reason.
2538) I am prohibited from yelling "Kamehameha" when using eldritch blast. Or any other attack, for that matter.
2539) Improved Codpiece Bash is not a Fighter bonus feat. Or even a feat at all.
2540) I will not use a Magic Eight Ball as the basis for all of my characters actions.
2542: the Throw Anything feat cannot be used on Umber Hulks. (don't ask.)
2543: "BeholderBall" is not a sport.
2544) i am no longer allowed to use the cell phone the Agency provided to text message friends while in a firefight
2545) i will no longer refer to the grappling hook on my Agency-provided utility belt as the "grappling hook from my crotch"
2546) nor will i make inappropriate motions when readying the grappling hook from my crotch....
2547) no matter how many times i've done it in urban America, the camels we use for transportation in the middle east do not have sunroofs to stick my head out of and shoot at enemies
2548) no matter how much of an a-hole and know-it-all the player of the martial-arts master of the group is, i will not sneak attack him with my piano wire
2341:...Do not touch the purple stones..
2342:...If carrying a set of opposite sex clothing, please, by all means, grab the purple stones.....( Ank, remember Anastasio?)
All too well...all too well; that game was wierd, messed up, and had us dying too many times.
2459) (wow, it finally happened) I am not allowed to use any of my books
2460) The psuedodragon is supposed to be an advesary, not a 20,000 gold ticket or good friend.
2461) May not reference said DM to the "Save my game" article on "smart players" in order to validate my actions.
2462) Never borrow a plot hook from wizards (your friends will notice).
2463) Am not allowed to change my charecter because I no longer qualify for any prestige classes due to #2459
2464) May not play a good charecter ever again without first asking this question: "Will ****, *****, or **** be there?" If the answer is yes, it means that the game will be a hack and slash slaughterfest. (names edited for security)
2465) Furthermore, I may not play a lawful charecter if abovementioned question is a yes.
2466) Even if they are not there, be sure to ask what everyone elses alignments are first.
2467) For future refence, CN or N should be a "warning bell" to still avoid good charecters.
2468) When the almighty dragon asks "How can I trust you with these people [because you are evil]?" You must not respond "Oh, uh, I don't care about those people, you can eat them if you want." (a friend coined this one)
2470) I'm not allowed to knock again because no one answered
2368. May not name a vehicle "Great Fenian Ram" (and 500 exp for whoever knows what the "Great Fenian Ram" was...)
The Fenian Ram was an Irish Submarine, Designed by John P. Holland, from County Clare, Ireland, Launched in 1881, Commissioned by the Fenians, the predecessors to the IRA. Never used in combat, left to the Germans and the British to think up killing people with subs. Great Fenian ram was either a later sub or a alternate name for it.
You know what's scary? I knew that without googleing or wikipediaing it.
-Anderson
The Fenian Ram was an Irish Submarine, Designed by John P. Holland, from County Clare, Ireland, Launched in 1881, Commissioned by the Fenians, the predecessors to the IRA. Never used in combat, left to the Germans and the British to think up killing people with subs. Great Fenian ram was either a later sub or a alternate name for it.
You know what's scary? I knew that without googleing or wikipediaing it.
-Anderson
You get the 500 exp for sure. "Great Fenian Ram" was the name of a Wolfe Tones song about the Fenian Ram, and I was guilty of posting too late at night LOL.
Incidently, it was built in the USA with the intention of using it on the British navy. Ironicly, John Holland later made good money selling submarines to the British, among others.
2473: May not rent it out to monsters, on the condition that if the rent is not paid on time, eviction will be swift and permanent.
2474: Similarly, may not auction the dungeon off, even if I have ranks in profession (auctioneer) or profession (real estate agent).
2478: Even when playing a Metallica party, as mentioned earlier.
2479: No beholders.
2450: No music, bards, or characters with perform.
2452) may not use allies NBC suitin reverse
2453) we do not "have the parts" and thus cannot "rebuild him"
2454) may not build island with hightech spaceship under swiming pool.
2455) may not retreat to spaceship and “Wipe this pathetic planet from the face of the galaxy!” at the first sign of trouble
2456) may not point out obvious flaws in DM's words such as that it might be difficult to "take the ship apart and bring the prisoners to him alive"
2457) may not end every sentence in a game with the words "In accordance with the prophecy" (I know this probably has been said before)
2458) may not shout "Humilliation" when beating an enemy in melee
2459) may not shout "Boom, headshot" when making a crit.
2460) may not brief cohorts and allies with a fake french accent and the words "Listen very carefully, I will only say this once"
2461) not allowed to point out that you have a bad feeling about this.
2461a) at every single door/bend/tree you encounter.
2462) may not solve the "tragedy" of a single death by "killing millions" and making it "a statistic"
2463) while a lightsaber is, seventeen thermal detonators are apearently not "bare essentials"
2364) may not inquire from admiral why we have to "retreat now" in "our moment of glory"
2366: May not have a contingencied teleport on saying the words "I'll be back."
2367: Or on the words "I shall return" (just in case I'll be back gets used too much)
2368: No contingencied teleports.
2369: May also not have contingencied heals or ressurections (not sure if contingency is available normally to divine casters; if not, there's always extra spell).
2340: May not cast reincarnate on the fighter, and then, if he doesn't like the form he comes back in, kill him and get XP.
2501: I am not allowed to become a Renegade Mastermaker in a setting with no Warforged.
2502: I cannot construct an effigy tarrasque.
2503: Even if I do, it only provides me a +2 circumstance bonus on Intimidate checks.
2504: +2 on Intimidate checks and an effigy tarrasque is not enough to stop the armies bent on getting their nations' treasuries back.
2505: The tarrasque can move about 320 feet per minute in single moves. Mounted cavalry can move about 400. Thus, I cannot run away from the armies on my effigy tarrasque, either.
2506: When my effigy tarrasque lies broken upon the field of battle, I am not allowed to curse basic math, the dice, uncaring and unfeeling gods, or the pizza delivery boy.
...None of these things has happened. ...Yet.
2508: I am no longer allowed to discuss any rules with my DM.
2509: I am no longer allowed to throw dice between the DM's eyes when things go bad.
2510: I may not jump in a moat with my full plated dwarven inquisitor to escape death by a Sphynx by walking over the bottom of the moat (terminator style).
2511: I am no longer allowed to design my own mechanican with the ability to craft a fortress in less then a week, solo. Nor 1 wearing all sorts of guns, grenades and riding mechanical chariots in a medieval campaign.
2524) The Death Star does not have a 'stun' setting.
I did, however, do the math and back in the old d6 days of West End Games...
Luke is able to survive the full blast of the Death Star when using the Absorb power.
How's that for 'Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.'?
2525: or say "Gotta go back in time"
2526: I can not set the time mechian to only go back to nov 8 1955
2527 when stuck in the past can not tell every one that my name is calvin kline
2528 or clint eastwood
2429: Or flamethrowers
2537: No matter how many metallic grafts I get, I am NOT "The Borg" and they will NOT "be assimilated", even if "resistance is futile" because they're low level cannon fodder.
2538: If we're playing a fantasy campaign in the middle of the desert, I do not get "Tea, Earl Grey, Hot", when the cleric casts Create Food And Water.
2539: No dark sarcasm in the classroom, no matter how appropriate it is at the moment.
2540: Even IF I play a monk/sorceror with True Seeing and Shocking Touch as his signatures, I do not get to call myself "Kakashi Sensei"
2541: No more referencing pop culture IC.
2542: That goes double for anime.
2543: Please, sir, put the PHB down, it's okay..... We won't hurt you.
2545. I may not play a necromancer that refers to his minions as Deadites.
2546. The Book of Vile Darkness is NOT the Necronomicon.
2547. None of my spells have "Klaatu," "Verata," "Nikto," or any combination thereof as verbal components.
2548. Nothing is "groovy."
2549. The barmaid will not "give me some sugar, baby."
2550. That's it, quoting Bruce Campbell is a captial offense per se.
2552: May not play a flaming male dwarf named Pat McGroin.
2554. No cooking cockatrice period.
2555. No having the druid make laxative.
2556. No having the rogue pour said laxative into the tavern's soup pot.
2557. No more stealing outhouses, no matter what the half-orc barbarian's strength is.
I learned this one the hard way following an adventure that had one of those maddening, "Incredibly valuable, too bad you can't carry it out of the dungeon" treasures. (Extra-dimentional spaces were non-functional in that dungeon)
My character was large, and had a strength (with a belt of giant strength +6) of 32 and was on the ragged edge of a heavy load when I walked into the tavern with a 2 ton statue strapped to my back.
2561: may not take a Sphere of Annihilation to a parallel universe to create a Sphere of Infinite Creation (that could get messy)
2562: may not slide down the banister of the Infinite Staircase
2563: may not “just take the elevator” on said staircase
2564: may not push anyone down said staircase (how many d6 does falling forever down a flight of stairs do)
2565: no longer allowed on the Infinite Staircase
2567: may not duplicate 2564 by pushing someone down the up escalator
2568: my Warforged band may not play “Ironman” in the main square of ANY town (even if they are pro-Warforged)
2569: I cannot hire an Artificer to give my Warforged a working d*** (I did NOT do this, stop looking at me like that)
2570: my Warforged cannot under ANY circumstances say “you will be assimilated”
2571: “Munchkin” is not an acceptable PC race, religion, or patron deity
2572: I can not hack Warforged in Modern
2573: or graft rocket launchers to them
2574: or put its “brain” in a Colossal Mecha
2575: especially if I am said Warforged in 73 and 74
2576: or take them apart to “see how they work” and then sell the parts to major computer companies
2577: Warforged no longer exist in Modern (even if it is Urban Arcana)
2578: if my character can send Pun-Pun running home to his mommy, I can’t play him any more. Just if you’re asking, it was a Warforged (duh) in future that had spliced himself into every computer network in existence (ever seen “Lawnmower Man”).
2579: no, a hippie Warforged is not a “Peaceforged”
2580: I may no longer play a Warforged, Peaceforged, or any other race that has the word “forged” in it.
I have Many more Warforged ones (that was a messed up campaign), but I think you’re sick of them by now
2581:I may not lead a rousing chorus of the “Hastor Hastor Hastor” song in Times Square
The Hastor, Hastor Hastor song:
"Oh Hastor Hastor Hastor I pledge my life to you, oh s*** "
2583. No matter how many times the druid whines about his charicter, ripping out his tounge is not an option
2584. We may no longer utter the words graft and rip out
2585. The gnome is not intelligent catapult ammo
2586. Nor is it a torch
2587. Our patron deities are NOT the Elder Gods
2588. Nor are they the Order of the Stick.
2590.no longer can I pick up, think of picking up, look at, touch, ect. ect,ect,my xph without threat of sirius bodily harm before during or after the act there of.
2590: I may not use create water as a weapon by summoning it above monsters. (At 20’Th level, given the weight of water in the PHB, that’s 320 lbs. in one 5’ft square. That hurts)
and this one:
2591: Redneckery is NOT and will never be a skill.
2591: Redneckery is NOT and will never be a skill.
Its a racial trait
2564: may not push anyone down said staircase (how many d6 does falling forever down a flight of stairs do)
None. A 9 inch fall does no damage; and an infinite number of 9 inch falls is still 0 damage.
2592. Can no longer take hostages in the middle of my hometown and shout "Outlander come out,outlander!" (name the source and you win a prize)
The South Park where Cartman rules the town full of "molestered" children! Woooo! Prize!
2955: Said Lizard folk can not convince the druid to turn into a Great White shark so you can throw her at the main boss.
2956: A Dwarf cut in half by a tree Ent’s +5 Scythe does not get will save because it was a tree Ent.
2957: Animal companions are not anchors for ropes
None. A 9 inch fall does no damage; and an infinite number of 9 inch falls is still 0 damage.
darn, thats cheap
And so I can contribute something useful into this thread:
2955, I may not introduce Big-Bang theory into D&D
2956, I may not play a cleric who gets his powers from science and casts spells like “ray of photons” (searing light) and “neutrino bolt” (magic missle)
2955, I may not introduce Big-Bang theory into D&D
Of course you can't--D&D has many big bang theories. The most common one seems to be that there's no such thing as too many fireballs...
1. Maximized deley fire ball in crate of alchests fire
2. Fire emelental suicide bombers
The South Park where Cartman rules the town full of "molestered" children! Woooo! Prize!
nope,not it..heres a hint : its from a movie
2957.Not allowed to use the Stargate to dial for pizza.
2958.Nor is the Stargate to be used to "Crank call" the Asgard.
2959.Not allowed to steal the Secret Master's credit card.
2960.And then purchase 6 pizzas, 2 dozen donuts, and a yoo-hoo with it.
2961.No, you do not burn a wood elemental to make it a fire elemental.
2962.No longer allowed to make a character who's backstory is more detailed than the GM's campaign backstory.
2963.No longer allowed to build a campaign around turning a computer on.
2964.My time-traveling/universe hopping device cannot be used to bring the Beatles into the world of Greyhawk so they can play "Your Mother Should Know" at my character's wedding.
2965.I am not the son, father, husband, exroommate, former professor or retired garbageman of the villain.
2966.My battlecry is not 'Now young Skywalker you will die'.
2967.Pinball is not a specialization for wizards.
2968.When asked if you have any last words, it doesn't help to launch into "99 bottles of beer on the wall," even if you are just stalling for time.
2969.When the badguys shout "Fire at will!" Do not shoot at the PC named "William."
2970.When the GM asks to see my character sheet prior to the beginning of the first adventure, I am not to hand him a 2"-thick folio and make him find the character sheet buried somewhere among all of the ancillary paperwork (driver's license, college diploma and transcript, DD-214, passport, 24-page background history, etc.) that I created for the character.
3. There is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
2971: May not become the Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
2973. Horror movies are NOT charicter design ideas.
2592. Can no longer take hostages in the middle of my hometown and shout "Outlander come out,outlander!" (name the source and you win a prize)
Children of the Corn.
Children of the Corn.
theres your prize2974- May not make jokes about the Balor wreathed in flames farting.
2975- May not fart in the general direction of said Balor to prove point.
2976- May not cook rations on said balor before or after gaseous expulsion.
2977- May not invent the improbability drive in DnD (After all... there's enough improbability in the game anyway, i mean come one.... demons powerful enough to destroy cities as random encounters near a small village that is still standing?)
2978- May not insinuate that orcs breed like they do in warhammer 40k (Like fungus, for those who don't play WH40K)
2979- May not make a race of orcs that do reproduce that way!
2980- May not call dwarf companion 'grumpy', 'dopy', 'happy', or any of the other seven dwarfs who lived with Snow White.
2981- May not ask a High Priestess of Lolth why so many Drow are turning into chaotic good Drizzt wannabees.
2982- May not go back in time, ever.
2983- If I somehow go back in time, I am not allowed to expect it to be 2nd edition AD&D.
2984- May not hit on Cattie-Brie just to see if I can **** off a canon FR character. (Actually done this! ****** off my hardcore Forgotten Realms friend... Drizzt killed me)
2985- May not insinuate that Dragons, Fey, Orcs, Humans, Vampires, or any other races that produce half-races are easy. (Nobody hears about half dwarves, do they?)
Well.... that's all I have for now.
2985- May not insinuate that Dragons, Fey, Orcs, Humans, Vampires, or any other races that produce half-races are easy. (Nobody hears about half dwarves, do they?)
Actually, there was a half-orc half-dwarf NPC in a campaign I played in once. Barbarian, of course.
2986- Not allowed to say "Excuse me" after casting stinking cloud.
2987- Same for cloudkill.
2899- No longer allowed to reawaken dead threads.
2900- No longer allowed to lick the other players.
2901- No longer allowed to talk to your other self.
2902- Or selves, for that matter.
2903- Can't attach gnomes to kites, cast "Levetate" on it, during a thunderstorm to discover electricity.
2904- Or halflings.
2905- Or at any time of the year.
2906- The class "Chuck Norris deciple" is both taken and illegal.
2907- Or "double-O agent".
2908- No longer permitted to touch dice. Must use graphing cal.
2909- Cannot play games on graphing cal during an epic battle.
2910- Regardless of situation, the beach crab doesn't talk, battle, or taste like elf. Period. End of story.
Punishment is usually a second of tazoring per second of commiting the above acts.
2912- Nor are you allowed to "pimp smack" the Princess.
2913- Or Specialize: Pimp Smack.
2914- You can't escape the Matrix during 1200 A.D.
2915- Nor can you make a pill that does.
2916- Pimp is not a class.
2917- Using the racist card in D&D as it would happen in reality constitutes an immediate "ass whuppin'" and removal from game.
2918- If, for any reason, a player decides to burn down an orphanage MUST first obtain approval from an orphan who resided there.
2921- Or at all, for that matter.
2924- Or after killing the last one w/ crossbow to back "riflebutt" style.
2925- Only allowed to do the actions stated above when the last NPC is of Gargantuan size or higher.
2926- By "crossbow", I mean "anything in similiar shape or function to a modern day firearm."
2927- A used tampon doesn't grant protection from good. It only grants protection from getting any.
2928- Using real-world demolition making skills/texts in the game are strictly prohibited within the city limits.
2929- Doing the above text to make a belt of bombs and a sign that says "hug me" is out-lawed.
2930- Using mind control on a villager to "rid the world of cheese" combined with the above actions is out-right illegal and intolerable. Even if everyone thinks its funny, the players can be arrested by federal wire-tappers.
2932. or elbow grease
2933.I can not heal a person with an arrow in thrie head by giving them CPR
2934 nor does rubbing ala vera on thire back
2936) No, Butt Smuggling can't be made a house-ruled skill.
2937) Or a feat.
2938) Taking ranks in Profession (drug dealer) does not allow me to do 2935.
2939: I cannot use a bagpipe to inflict sonic damage, no matter how good my Perform check is.
2940: Or how good the perform check is, either
2942) I can't take ranks in Craft (brewing) for the sole purpose of doing 2942.
2943) In Call of Cthulhu I can't use the call deity spell. Ever.
2944) Rouges don't do it from behind.
2945) Though there isn't an express limit to how much min-maxing I can do when assigning ability scores using point buy, there is in fact a point where too much just becomes too much.
2946) I may not play a wizard named Dr. Lawful-Evil with a cat familiar named Mr. Bigglesworth.
2947) Magic missile is not my "laser".
2949) I can't "say hello to his little friend." Or wave at it.
2950) Having the party wizard get laid does not mean that Hell freezes over or pigs gaining flight.
2951) No one is allowed to open a gate to Hell simply to test the quote "a snowball's chance in Hell".
2952) Especially on top of a mountain up north. Or anywhere near a mountain or north.
2594: Or a class ability.
"You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose"
2596: The above act is not justified by saying "I beg to differ!"
2597: Nor can you do that on an enemy/neutral, live or dead.
2959 - or to use trees I up-rooted to throw as spears at my enemies
2960 - I am not allowd to cast Enlarge Self on parts of my body to "impress women"
2961 - I am not allowd to play as a Necromancer and demand that our Wraith pirate enemies fix their @#*&^@! ship so that we may sail with it and ram it down the %@!*&!+ throat.
2962 - I am not allowd to knock out another player and offer him as payment to a guardian spirit so that we may pass safely.
2963 - am not allowd to throw alchemist fire on a flesh golem...bear-hugging another player.
2964 - play as a minotaur ever again
2965 - play as a chain devil
2966 - play as Duke Nukem teleported through time and space...and begin armed with a Desert Eagle, shotgun, RPG, and gatling gun. And a morotcycle. And hit on the DM's girlfriend in character. "Shake it, baby"
2967 - play as Ash from Evil Dead II teleported through time and space...and begin armed with a double-barreled shotgun and chainsaw. And hit on the DM's girlfriend in character. "Hail to the king, baby"
2968 - 1)run from the town guards and take shelter in a stable...barricading doors, 2) attach rope to opening in roof, 3) poor oil all over the hay, wood, and animals, 4) lure town guards into stable as I climb rope, 5)expect to succeed at points 1-4.
2969 - Attempt to make modern weapons by demanding that having high Craft skill points and diagrams of the weapons can make it work.
2973. Said half-orc Paladin do not have a huge fascination of blood and keep cutting himself in rituals for his deity to the point that the other party members start wondering how much pints of blood he has.
2974. When creating a spell that disarms an opponent by force of wind, said wind does NOT declothe them as well (they called it dispelling gust or wind).
2975. May NOT prestidigitate a deck of 52 playing cards and then imbue said cards with powerful spells thus enabling you to cast it 52 times (imbue spell does not and should not work like this!!!)
2976. IF 2973 and 2974 are ignored, may not prestidigitate a deck of 52 playing cards and then imbue them with dispelling gust of wind and then throw the deck into women's dressing rooms.
2977. Party members should keep an eye on the NE Hexblade to make sure he doesn't start raping any of the dying drows.
2978. When receiving a powerful flying battleship, make sure that the crazy CN Tinker does not dismantle the cannon.
2979. If the CN Tinker did not dismantle the canon, make sure he's pointing it at the right direction and no other party members are in the way when he fires it.
2980. Before firing the canon, the shooter MUST first warn the party members in the blast radius.
2981. Do not leave the CN Tinker alone with a bagful of explosives that he just recently made. Especially when you're in the BBEG's castle and he's off somewhere tossing the explosives around for fun.
2982. Never ask the CN Wild Mage to break the chains binding your hands. You may never know if she'll just call down a Meteor Shower to help you.
2983. If the Ninja happens upon a heated argument between party members, he may not knock out all the party involved (including the innocent bystander), toss them into their rooms and lock them in and say that it's the best solution to resolve the problems.
All this actually happened in an old campaign of ours.
Wow...if all of that was done by other players in your group, I really feel sorry for you.
Of course, if they were done by you then you have my eternal loathing, but hey; what can you do?
Wow...if all of that was done by other players in your group, I really feel sorry for you.
Of course, if they were done by you then you have my eternal loathing, but hey; what can you do?
I was the DM for that particular campaign actually. It was heavily magic based and with a lot of rule changes by me and as well as additions from Unearthed Arcana and other sources. :D
Anyways, back to the topic. I'm here to add a few more to the list:
2984. Just because I am no spellcaster and some holy power worshiper, I am not allowed to insult and harass the only party Cleric and then tell him, "Heal me, okay?" at any time.
2985. This also includes during an intense overwhelming battle.
2986. The fact that he has the highest AC among everyone else in the party due to the full plate mail and spells does not mean I am able to do that in the first place.
2987. And because he's the only party healer, I am not allowed to toss him out and shutting the door close to let him confront a group of enemy archers behind wall slits all alone while everyone else is safe.
2988. And also because I know he just leveled up and gain new spells.
2989. I am not allowed to pee on an angel just because I do not believe in them.
2990. After carefully sneaking stealthily into the deep reaches of the enemy temple with the whole party, I shall not leave a note saying, "We're here."
2991. I am not allowed to find thugs in the city alleyways and beat them up just because I'm bored.
2992. And whine on how I am trying to rid the city of evil because of it after getting lock up in the city jail.
2993. I am not allowed to constantly ask anyone new I meet for a +1 Great sword.
2994. And for a +2 Great sword, after getting a +1 Great sword already.
2995. And for a +5 Great sword, after getting a +4 Great sword already.
2996. And for a +6 Psionic Great sword, after leveling up as a Psionic Warrior and getting a +5 Great sword.
2997. I am not allowed to disguise as a Drow, sneak into the lairs of the Drow temple, slaughtering half of the drows on the way, then telling them that I am here on a peaceful diplomatic meeting with their leader to inquire some information on a certain NPC.
2998. I am not allowed to throw shurikens at new NPCs whom I just meet together with the whole party.
2999. Nor when the whole party and NPCs could not understand each other at the moment.
3000. Nor when the whole party and NPCs are trying to communicate using non-hostile hand signals & body language to prevent any hostility.
My character's name is not Uncle3002. nor is his catch phrase "One more thing"
3005) Or crossbows.
3006) You can't kidnap aliens and buttrape them "as payback for your uncle Farmer Brown."
3007) Or in the name of science.
2972. There's no such thing as a LG blonde half-orc Paladin with blue eyes no matter what his back story is.
2973. Said half-orc Paladin do not have a huge fascination of blood and keep cutting himself in rituals for his deity to the point that the other party members start wondering how much pints of blood he has.
I'm afraid to ask...
3010. Any utterance of words such as "Jinkies," "Wowzers," "Shazaam," "Suffering Succotash," or anything slightly related must be saved for a relevant situation (not just used at every possible chance).
3011. My character cannot end every single sentence by muttering a vulgarity under his breath. Especially if he does not have tourrettes syndrome.
3013. No playing a 12 year old sorceress who have a star/heart shaped wand and has spells with names like "Takey" and "Jumpy".
3014. Especially when the one playing the sorceress is a guy.
3015. Do not try to steal a NPC's ring in broad daylight if you're not a rogue.
3016. Don't burn a farm to cause a distraction, so that the party member who were caught stealing the ring can try to escape, in the town you were all dispatched to help clear the kobold scourge.
3017. Before leaving to scout a distant dungeon, make sure you remember to distribute the party money you've been carrying since we left the academy.
3018. There is a limit as to how much pebbles you can carry.
3019. Carrying all those twigs and sticks to be made into arrows is moot if you don't have any craft arrow skill and you don't have any money to pay someone to craft them for you.
3021: There is no such thing as a were-rock, were-arewe, were-lawyer, or were-ring of protection.
3020: Only the DM can summon/use were-goats.
3021: There is no such thing as a were-rock, were-arewe, were-lawyer, or were-ring of protection.
3021a: or a were-car.
3023: You cannot go back in time, kill your grandfather, and impregnate your grandmother.
3023s: If you manage to do so, you will not become immune to psionics.
3023: You cannot go back in time, kill your grandfather, and impregnate your grandmother.
That is just plain creepy.
3022: If I need an entire page just to list his templates, I'm not allowed to freaking use him.
3023: Not allowed to use the rat flail, ever.
-A cookie for anyone who knows where this is from.
That is just plain creepy.
3022: If I need an entire page just to list his templates, I'm not allowed to freaking use him.
3023: Not allowed to use the rat flail, ever.
-A cookie for anyone who knows where this is from.
VGCats
That one was easy
That is just plain creepy.
Don't blame me, blame Matt Groening.
VGCats
That one was easy
Yeah I know. But Hey! If you're American... how many of you honestly give a flying fruit about Canadian content? We're flooded with your crap over here.... but how much do you americans really care about us? We learn your states/capitals... do you learn our provinces/capitals?
If you're canadian, then this is good. If not, then at least some people view Canadian things.
Yeah I know. But Hey! If you're American... how many of you honestly give a flying fruit about Canadian content? We're flooded with your crap over here.... but how much do you americans really care about us? We learn your states/capitals... do you learn our provinces/capitals?
If you're canadian, then this is good. If not, then at least some people view Canadian things.
Starting to drift off topic, and as a slight reminder, some of America's best comedians are from Canada. (Mike Meyers!) And as for Canadian Conent, Kids in the Hall, 'nuff said.
Back on topic,
#3024: May not attempt to recreate any sketches by either "The Kids in the Hall," "In Living Color," or "Monty Python's Flying Circus."
#3025: May not drift into another unrelated sketch even if I do attempt to recreate sketches.
Casting Animate Dead on the king’s dead son is not an act of consolation.
I may suggest that the party “rest for a night so we’ll be fresh” before opening the final door of the dungeon at my own risk.
Fairies, if caught in a net and stored in a bottle, will not revive me if I fall in battle.
If I throw my weapon into the pool in the mysterious grotto, I will not get a better weapon in return. I will get wet retrieving my weapon.
In the event that the Fighter dies, I am not allowed to prop his body upright onto a wheeled base and continue using him as a meatshield.
I cannot base an entire fast-food empire off of the regenerating powers of one troll.
My epic-level future self is not allowed to use time travel to “lend a hand.”
May not abuse time travel to later reveal to the villain that I am his father.
My barbarian, no matter how low his Int score, cannot attempt to set fire to the wenches and **** the buildings.
A Small PC is not eligible to be my familiar, no matter what feats I take.
I cannot use Animate Object to attack an enemy with his own pants.
I do not gain xp from killing the creatures I summon.
A supply of bandages does not make me the party’s “healer.”
My wizard is not allowed to ride around in an Iron Golem.
Orcs, minotaurs, trolls, and the undead can indeed attack me regardless of whether or not I attack them first.
I cannot suicide in an attempt to return as a celestial or fiend.
May not sneak up on the sleeping dragon and shove an Immovable Rod down its throat, then rouse it and take flight.
The word “gnomechucks” is never to be uttered again.
A low-Int character’s brain cannot be used to poison an Illithid.
It is impossible to win a battle solely by capturing the enemy’s flag, and I should stop trying to convince the party this.
Killing every suspect of a murder mystery is not a responsible way to solve it.
My warforged fighter and the party’s two warforged scouts cannot “combine” into a warforged charger.
I am not allowed to polymorph myself into General Atreus and “borrow” the Grand Army of the Three Kingdoms, even for a few days.
The BBEG will not go away if the whole party refuses to believe in it.
Having my conjurer yell “Celestial Dire Badger, I choose you!” too often will get me killed.
I am not to attempt to skin every creature I kill, no matter how much their hides may sell for in the auction house.
Opening a chain of family restaurants by using repeated castings of Heroes’ Feast in order to save up for epic-level equipment is not an acceptable use of Pelor’s blessings.
I am not allowed to conduct secret breeding experiments in order to create a dwelf.
Neither am I to attempt to crossbreed the chimera and owlbear.
My male human barbarian, no matter how well “proportioned,” counts as unarmed when naked.
Even if mithral and thorium deposits frequently appeared on the surface, I could not mine them with four swings of a pick.
Monsters in wilderness encounters will not stop pursuing us if we move more than 40 ft away from their original position.
Although my orc barbarian is the biggest, he isn’t necessarily the boss.
No matter how many cohorts and henchmen I’ve hired, said orc barbarian does not gain a bonus against Fear effects based on the party’s size.
Two party members with Powerful Builds cannot acquire a massive rubber band and use the Fling Ally feat to let the gnome rogue try a “ranged backstab.”
Cannot attempt to apply the Aquatic template to fire elementals.
The Church of Pelor has no pope.
Even if it had a pope, I couldn’t be the pope.
Even if there was a pope, his “popemobile” would not be an iron colossus.
Fairies, if caught in a net and stored in a bottle, will not revive me if I fall in battle.
If I throw my weapon into the pool in the mysterious grotto, I will not get a better weapon in return. I will get wet retrieving my weapon.
Zelda!
A supply of bandages does not make me the party’s “healer.”
Orcs, minotaurs, trolls, and the undead can indeed attack me regardless of whether or not I attack them first.
It is impossible to win a battle solely by capturing the enemy’s flag, and I should stop trying to convince the party this.
I am not to attempt to skin every creature I kill, no matter how much their hides may sell for in the auction house.
Even if mithral and thorium deposits frequently appeared on the surface, I could not mine them with four swings of a pick.
Monsters in wilderness encounters will not stop pursuing us if we move more than 40 ft away from their original position.
World of Warcraft!
Do I win anything? :D
3067: Drinking plenty of water will not recover my caster's spells, but it will make him have to use the bathroom a lot.
3068: I need to stop forgetting that I can attack while mounted.
3069: My rogue needs something to Hide behind, he cannot attempt to move unseen across an open plain.
3070: Powerful magic items are rarely found on random monsters in the wilderness, and I really should stop expecting to find any this way.
3071: Friendly Fire is ON.
3072: If we leave the dungeon and return, all of the monsters will still be dead.
3073: There is a limit to how much rolling at the end of a fall helps reduce damage.
3074: My character is not the "silent protagonist" and is expected to speak in order for NPCs to understand him.
3075: A 12-ft polearm will not fit in a belt pouch, and even if it did it certainly wouldn't take up the same amount of space as a few rocks.
Zelda!
World of Warcraft!
Do I win anything? :D
Duh-duhn-duh-DUHN! You got the
! This legendary baked good provides a short-term burst of energy, but may cause tooth decay. Can be combined with milk for greater effect.209. My Paladin's heraldry is not a smiley face.
I have done this, but only because I didn't feel like picking a deity for him to follow.
3077: And you can't put a spell on a well to create the desired effect.
3078. May not trick any party members into "discovering" the ***** of Vecna.
2719: If I'm a rogue, I may not have any harming shuriken of true strike.
2720: In fact, I may not have any harming shuriken of true strike period.
2721: No matter how sure I am that my allies will true ressurect me, I may not stand 10 feet away from the BBEG wearing 5 brand new neclace of fireballs, drop one fireball on myself, and deliberately fail my reflex save.
2722: Especially not if the BBEG is a white dragon.
2723: Especially not if I'm wearing a vest of true ressurection.
2724: I can't have a vest of true ressurection.
2725: In fact, I not allowed make up any magic items.
2726: You know what, magic items just don't exist in this campaign.
2727: And I can't be a spellcaster.
2728: And my character will be separated from the rest of the party and/or killed if I try to learn magic from the party wizard.
2729: And even if I do become a spellcaster, any more than three DC 0 spells will get my character killed.
2730: It's my fault that the DM is now creating a new, much weaker, magic system for a new campaign that I can't use to make myself overpowered.
Yeah, this is all real.
My DM says I'm a munchkin. I can't imagine why...
2733 nor fergilicous
2734. Can no longer use song lyrics as ideas for characters
2736: And visa versa.
2738 - Use said castles to beat a whole army
2739 - Use 'all new emergency bunker' every single encounter
2740 - create magic bombs to level entire countries
2741 - Sell magic bombs to highest bidder
2742 - 'neglect' to inform highest bidder of limited waranty
2743 - not allowed to garner my own 'honor guard' from the royal army
2744 - Flame strikes are not 'Death from above'
2745 - There is no need to 'keep arms and legs inside until the ride has come to a full and complete stop' when teleporting
2746 - Pillage and burn is not always the first thing to do when entering a hamlet
2747 - The first words when entering the Githyanki stronghold are not 'Wow, this place has got to be the most run down, backwards piece of *** i've ever had the misfortune of seeing'
2748 - simply 'acting natural' is not going to explain why you and your blood soaked friends are standing in a pile of civilian corpses.
2749 - not allowed to land on the palace roof at 'ramming speed'
2750 - 'I canna change the laws of physics' is no excuse for a wizard
2751 - not allowed to identify every encounter as 'It's live Regdar, but not as we know it.'
2752 - not allowed to decapitate the villager when he's aGhast
2562. Pinning the dwarf to any part of an ogre = a negative level.
2563. Transplanting the dwarf's beard to the elf's face = a negstive level.
2564. Transplating the dwarf's bard to the elf's...to other parts of the elf, let's leave it at that, = death by irate dwarf and elf.
2565. I may not turn all the pages of the wizard's spellbook into origami.
2567: There is no such thing as antipasta
2568: If there was, it would not explode violently when brought into contact with pasta.
2569: Antimatter is off limits.
2567: There is no such thing as antipasta
2568: If there was, it would not explode violently when brought into contact with pasta.
There may not be a such thing as antipasta, but there is such a thing as antipasto. And it's quite good.
2569: May not name my gnomish inventor Enlow.
2570: Nor may he invent a cannon (a cookie if you can find the meaning of Enlow's Cannon).
2571: Nor may he invent the steam-powered battle wagon (running off of a bound fire elemental and a decanter of endless water, and mounting several cannons).
2572: May not build a fleet of steam wagons, equip them with treads, and go on blitzkrieg.
2573: Even if the gnome invents the stock exchange and issues stock in the party, he is not necessarily the majority shareholder in the party.
2574: Similarly, the half-orc is not majority shareholder by law of gross tonnage.
2575: Technological advancement is no longer allowed in any campaign. If you attempt it, either the Church will hunt you down and kill you, or your invention will blow you up.
2576: Gnomes are hereforth an endangered species.
3140: Especially not if the rogue has absolutely no skill in handling animals.
3141: Hell, no dangerous pets for rogues even with the skill.
2343: or a shopping list.
Duh-duhn-duh-DUHN! You got the
Unfortunately, the cookie is Bind on Pickup. :D
3145: the dwarf is not a riding beast.
3146: my halfling monk is not a thrown weapon, even if the half-orc has the Master Thrower PrC.
#1431. Not allowed to make a Gnomish god of heavy artillery.
3147 in an epic campaign, not allowed to BE a gnomish god of heavy artillery
3148 not allowed to play a hammer weilding dwarf with dodge, mobility and spring attack to do the MC hammer sliding thing in the middle of a fight.
3149 not allowed to say 'can't touch this' every time an enemy misses me
3150 Not allowed to invent the 'hammer pants'
hammer pants-these baggy pants allow the wearer to use each of the following abilities once a day.
Cant touch this: +10 dodge bonus to AC
Stop. Hammer time: works as the spell time stop and summons a magical warhammer
Hammer slide: lets you slide 30ft in a straight line and make an attack of opportunity against every enemy you move past.
And yes i did ask my DM to let me invent these
3151 your ogre juggernaut cannot dual wield miniguns no matter how hard you try
3152 no matter how many movies they do it in you can not get a grafted minigun instead of a new arm
3153 you may not play a were-rabbit pyrokineticist and wield a plasma whip
3154 just because they did it in the matrix doesn't mean that you can do it
3154 just because they did it in the matrix doesn't mean that you can do it
Actually, it requires that you fail a Will save of DC -500 and you may only atempt this check once. If you fail you become The One.
3156: Wild surges are banned. Period
3158. We may not invent a PDA just for that perpose.
3159. We may not open a portal to Hell and create zombies from incorpreal, flying, flaming skulls
3160. Nor may we summon half-golem fiends through said portal
3161. Nor may we then create a +10 Holy Repeating Crossbow and call it a BFG
3162. We may no longer play Doom 3 or any other Doom game
3163. I am not the god of Linux
3164. No basing characters off of Doctor Who
3165. The Cleric of Atheism is not a viable concept
3166. Not allowed to paint the warforged black and call him "Mr. Kettle"
3167. There is no god of Dramatic Irony
3168. "Pimp my Warforged" does not exist in Eberron, or indeed anywhere
3169. No infinitely recurring henchmen
3170. No referring to minor NPCs as "Mr. Spear and Mr. Carrier"
3171. If the explosion can be seen on the other side of the country, I can't use Evasion
3172. Faith and stubborness do not provide protection against dynomite
3173. Any character named Duncan, who comes from Idaho, will be shot
3174. Jamaican Man is not a good superhero concept
3175. Voodoo Fondue is not a real incantation
3176. Speedos do not provide an AC bonus
3177. I am not allowed to start with 10,000 rolls of duct tape, even if the rules allow it
3178. 1930’s American teenagers are unlikely to possess “Alien Craft Operation” as a feat. Ditto "Armour Proficiency: Powered"
3179. Whilst the Inquisition may well exist, there is no such thing as the Exquisition
3180. “Get their attention” does not always mean “shoot the police chief”
3181. No min-maxing for seduction
3182. The Witch-Hunters are not the “Deus Ex Machina Special Forces”, nor are they "the Wombles"
3183. In order to become a vampire hunter, I should at least have seen a vampire
3184. My car is not a GM Fiat
3185. There is no such thing as a "Shotgun Initiation"
There's probably more
3171. If the explosion can be seen on the other side of the country, I can't use Evasion
I want to know the story behind this.
3188. I may not conduct tests to find the nonlethal-lethal damage rollover point, even if I have the time.
3189. I may not create characters based on other boards members.
3190. I may not have a cleric of the WizO pantheon.
3191. The Evil Overlord List is for the DM only.
3192. Grimtooth does not owe me a favor.
3193. I have lost my hammergun rights.
3194. I do not have a portable hole filled with shrunken heads, and even if I did the reason would not be legitimate.
3195. I may not develop Power Word, Hiccup.
3196. Phantasmal Killer does not cure the above spell.
3197. Ketchup, Mustard, Molasses, and Horseradish are not the four humors.
3198. Taxes is not one of the Four Horsemen.
3199. Others cannot see their reflections in my bare chest.
3200. Doc Ock was not a male lilitu iron half-golem.
3202: May not use warhamsters as medium bludgeoning weapons.
3203: May not create 40000 warhamsters.
3204: May not create anthromorphic warhamsters.
3205: No templates.
3206: No rodents.
3207: My 20th level half-sea-elf ranger may not have a gargantuan sea otter as his animal companion.
3208: Even though it is neither a rodent, nor templated.
3209: May not attempt to advance a halfling to large size through the application of numerous racial HD.
3210: May not advance humanoids, monstrous humanoids, or anything vaguely resembling a humanoid through racial HD.
Even though there is no Gnomish god of heavy artillery, there is a Catholic saint of artillerymen; Santa Barbara. No, really.
I want to know the story behind this.
WWII era pulp game. Nazi zeppelin base. Unstable mad scientist PC with even more unstable devices. Critical hit from a machine gun. Mad scientist's equiptment malfunctions and explodes. Party demolitions monkey happens to be in the blast radius, and is carrying some 50 sticks of dynamite. Resulting chain reaction sets off the base's fuel tanks, the ammunition dumps, and the massive ammounts of hydrogen needed to fill the zeppelins...
Boom!
3213. May only create objects that have 3 dimensions.
WWII era pulp game. Nazi zeppelin base. Unstable mad scientist PC with even more unstable devices. Critical hit from a machine gun. Mad scientist's equiptment malfunctions and explodes. Party demolitions monkey happens to be in the blast radius, and is carrying some 50 sticks of dynamite. Resulting chain reaction sets off the base's fuel tanks, the ammunition dumps, and the massive ammounts of hydrogen needed to fill the zeppelins...
Boom!
Sounds like my family reunion. Only the time and place was different.
recently discovered our
2453) we do not "have the parts" and thus cannot "rebuild him"
2459) may not shout "Boom, headshot" when making a crit.
do i know you?
3215. Neither is taking control of a satellite and crashing it into the clearing. (Even if you do have over 30 in hacking)
Our dm takes all the fun out of the d20 modern campaign @_@
3214. Strapping 10 pounds of c4 onto the soldier and sending him into the clearing full of enemies is not a valid battle plan.
That sounds a lot like my plan to develop a Summon Winged Kobolds spell, then give them as much distilled alchemist's fire as they could carry.
Sounds like my family reunion. Only the time and place was different.
Sounds like Thanksgiving Dinner to me...
3191. The Evil Overlord List is for the DM only.
There's an evil overlord list? Where can I get my hands on one of these (and I am the DM, so no problem...)?
3218) In fact, I will not wield any rail gun ever.
3219) Nor any ballista firing adamantium bolts.
3220) If I hear a scratch in the vents, I will not investigate unarmed, unarmored, and without any source of light.
3221) I will not be surprised when I get a face hugger to... well... the face.
3222) A character is not invincible just because he can pin a hydra.
3223) Even if he is a min/maxed half giant barbarian focused on unarmed combat and under the effects of enlarge person.
3224) Especially not if there is another hydra in the room.
3225) When told not to use teleportation in the wizards tower, I will not be surprised when, after forgetting ten minutes later, I try to dimension hop past a simple dart trap and end up frozen in stasis for several hours.
3226) When playing a forgotten realms campaign, I will always, always, ALWAYS listen to the suspicious man in a dark cloak with lightning coming out of his eyes.
3227) When a ridiculously overpowered PC with high elven arcana asks you "what is the hydra standing on" the answer is never "stone?"
3228)The druid is not a hippie, and no, he cannot forage for "magic grass" to help sooth the angry villagers.
3229) No magic item will ever warrant the use of the term "if it's shiny, move your hieny" ever again (I gave the party barbarian a war hammer than was cursed, so that it would turn from deep red to shining silver, and upon reaching silver it would require the barbarian to kill the nearest being and bathe the weapon in his blood. My players now have an irrational fear of shiney weapons.)
3230) In fact, no more magic items that aren't in the DMG.
3231) Under no circumstances should the halfing bard with a -2 str mod ever try to wield a harpoon.
3232) Minotaurs do not like to be called "bull man", especially by exceptionally weak halfling bards.
3233) The NG PC bard may never convince street girls to become his "hoes"
3234) Even if he does have the Cha for it.
3235) If he does do so, he must at least learn the girls name or where to find them before telling them to get to work.
3236) Even if the rules would allow it, a PC may never wield a collosal Ent.
3237) Under no circumstances should the ninja, with 5hp, rush into battle screaming while his companions, a barbarian, a monk, and a fighter, stand and watch while taking bets.
3238) Under no circumstances will there be any zombies coming up any hill, nor with any axes enchanted with "flaming"
3239) One may never tell the ranger to "shoot em in the head!"
3240) If you say something stupid and the DM scribbles a note down, always assume the worst.
3241) Especially if he is grinning.
3242) Especially if you are in the middle of a wild magic storm.
3243) Especially if you are a caster.
3244) When playing with an extremely stupid and old fashioned barbarian, be sure to explain that the woman you are fighting is evil before you sucker punch her.
3245) No matter how much they beg, small party members are not to be thrown. Similarly, one may not cast "enlarge person" on an airborne ally "just to see the look on the kobald's face"
3246) One should never slide down a random pole found in a dungeon to a dark, slimy level.
3257) If one is unfortunate enough to do this, one may not groan when asked to make a reflex save.
3248) Or the 29 following reflex saves.
3249) Making anyone take 30 reflex saves is overkill.
3250) I may never again even think of making a wild mage.
3251) I must submit a written apology to Princess bun-bun and her entourage of eternally sparkling cat folk.
3252) No cat folk, ever. Especially not with ADD and a penchant for shiny things.
3253) Bartenders can always be expected to have a loaded crossbow behind the bar, and know how to use it.
3254) No matter how good my bluff check, "Look over there! The torrasque!" will not work.
3255) Sending your ferret familiar up the queens bodice is not the best way to create a distraction.
3256) Especially if you use it to cast color spray from between her legs.
3257) It doesn't matter if you are an epic dread pirate, you cannot "rope yourself a couple of sea turtles"
3258) Biting off a piece of a guards face and then throwing him at his allies WILL aid in your intimidation check.
3259) Never, ever read the note passed to you through the slit in the door.
3260) The enemy wizard DID prepare exploding runes this morning.
3262. The wizard may not alter the spell pyrotechnics so that it makes any fire source explode no matter how useless and unappreciated she feels
3263. The wizard may not marry the evil sorcerer who’s been trying to kill you
3264. Nor can she have sex with the 13 year old prince you were sent to rescue
3265. Nor can she use cure light wounds to reattach the ear you cut off of the soldier you were torturing
3266. The barbarian cannot kick open the hidden door, especially if it’s made of stone
3267. If you’re using the flaws system remember that there’s a limit on how many you can take for a reason(81 is too much)
3268. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, the barbarian cannot buy war dogs
3269. Or a panther
3270. And if you’re in the middle of the dessert the thief cannot try to buy a ship
3271. The barbarian cannot hide the most expensive gemstone you find up his butt
3272. And even if he could the thief cannot use sleight of hand to take it
3273. the wizard cannot use dispel magic on the ancient sorcerer who is only being kept alive by a spell
3274. apparently, a warforged cannot have wings
3275. the thief cannot kill people at a slave auction if they bid against him
3276. nor can he take their money if they outbid him
3277. the thief cannot run into the desert city in the middle of the night screaming ‘raiders raiders!’
3278. the thief cannot write ‘exit’ with an arrow pointing to a 100 ft snake’s lair while trapped in an underground cavern
3279. especially in his favored enemy’s language
3280. the thief cannot write ‘death to the mortals’ over the body of everyone he kills
3281. the thief cannot start a riot to escape being charged with murder
3282. the thief cannot tell the evil sorcerer that his father was an ape god
3283. you cannot summon a Pit Fiend to kill one sorcerer and then send it after another one when you kill the sorcerer yourself
3284. you are also not allowed to sacrifice city guards if they aren’t bringing enough beggers
3285. the wizard is not allowed to attempt to have a relationship with one of their new NPC companions
3286. on his first time in a harbor town the barbarian is not allowed to say ‘I want to meet a pirate’
3287. when the barbarian does find a pirate he cannot start the conversation by saying ‘I wanna be a pirate!’
3318: Not aloud to use 3317 as a basis of negosiation with her father.
3319: Espechaly not aloud to hire a Negoi for the purposes of negosiating with employers.
3320: The going rate for a princess's rescue, Mythology not withstanding, is not 'Half your kingdom'
3321: Not aloud to use 3320 as a basis of negosiation iether.
3322: The above restrictions do not count as a Vow of poverty, so stop sulking.
3324. I am not allowed to animate a skeletal ogre and call him, my man servant Mandalay.
3325. I am not allowed to use animate dead to create an undead version of the party.
3326. I am not allowed to use the Profane Lifeleech ability on an orphanage to regain lost HP after a battle.
3327. I am not allowed to sell party members to the local dragon.
3328. Even the useless or annoying ones.
3329. Just because I am immune to fear, doesn't mean I shouldn't run away from the dragon.
3330. I am not allowed to initiate a bluff check by disguising a contagion spell as a cure spell.
3331. I am not allowed to keep an armed ballista in a bag of holding.
3332. A holy water enema is not a method to dispose of undead.
3333. I am not allowed to bring the Libris Mortis book to game sessions.
3334. I am not allowed to call a half-illithid medusa attractive, no matter what her/its charisma modifier is.
3325: I will not feed Great Axes to the Giant Squid.
3326: I will not feed the Rogue to the Giant Squid.
3327: I will not let the one with the highest strength and the lowest intelligence and medicine score tend to the squid bite wound to the head. (Head go pop)
3328: I will not modify the Superheavy Plate to have no mobility penalty, then name it the "Light Superheavy Plate".
3329: Though funny, rapping about your character to gain a couple bonus EXP is not a good idea.
3330: I will not take points in Cult.
3331: The name "Don Pedro" shall never be used in another campaign. Ever.
3332: If imprisoned, I will not get impatient while the rogue lock-picks the exit, and decide to use my entire stock of Firedust to blow open the wall to the cell.
3333: I will not use all of my Firedust in one go unless I only have one shot left.
3334: I will not use my Greatsword to make called shots to the face on every enemy we come across.
3335: If the DM makes a PC that's clearly supposed to lead the party, I will not put up an exhaustive argument to make the Barbarian the party leader on grounds that he is the largest one here and has a sweet mustache, and then manipulate him.
3336: I will not trick the Barbarian to ask "What's in the pot?" again. I mean it this time.
3337: When the Genie gives me one wish, I will not wish to "Ride the Pony". (Funny and inappropriate story there)
3338: No matter how many times I asked, I cannot take a Specialty in Being Awesome, so that everytime I do something awesome I may have a bonus.
3339: If I DM, I will not let the party decide how they want to amass the funds to afford the ship. (There's a very, very large section of the map that they won't go near, for fear of being attacked by several large armies. Got the ship, though.)
3340: Aerokyle is not a suitable name for a great warrior, regardless of what his abilities are.
3341: I am not allowed to make a character that has all of the following specialties:
Lift Heavy Object
Dodge While Holding Heavy Object
Improvised Weaponry
Throw Live Animal
3343. Nor may I then go on to bore the group to sleep while I gon on with my insane theories of reality
3344. Nor may my charicter have the ability to alter reality at will because he beleives everything is relitive and can there for be changed in any way
3345. Philosiphy has been hence forth banned from the group
3346. As has biology
3347. I may not use anything I have studied for years as an advantige for my charicter.
3348. My wizard does not think his spells are a sign of demonic possession, not matter how low his wisdom is.
3350. Should #3349 not be in effect, no letting the slowest and quesiest character use the fast dinosaur that jumps ALOT as a mount
3351. No more bats as animal companions.
3353. Can't be a vampire
3354. No one in the party is allowed to be a vampire
3355. If somehow turned into a vampire, sunlight will spontaneously appear and kill them no matter what the rules say
3356. Cannot bring down big stone towers ontop of the head of the people I'm supposed to be saving
3357. Also cannot jump off of said tower without some means of slowing down the fall and expect to survive
3358. Even with an insanely high dex and jump skill
3359. Especially if a centaur
3360. No longer allowed to be a centaur
3361. No more trying to mimick anything seen on Doctor Who
3362. Time travel is now no longer allowed
3363. There are no blondes (really long story)
3364. Causing the extinction of anything is not a good move
3365. No longer allowed to be chaotic, not even good
3366. No more cursed weapons that actually change anything
3367. If a shapeshifter, not allowed to do mythological monsters
3368. ...or to change shape every chance in battle
3369. ...no longer allowed to be a shapechanger of any kind
3370. No matter what my class, I'm no longer allowed to adopt troglodytes
3371. Or dragons
3372. No adoptions of anything found anywhere but an orphanage
3373. Those don't exist anymore
3374. If a bard, can no longer make random rhymes
3375. Especially when opening up a door, saying something like 'I open the door/and what do I see/three skeletons spying on me' When the DM likes humor and decides that my bard has the ability to predict the future
3376. No more playing in taverns
3377. If a bard, no longer allowed to perform for money, no matter how good/bad the skill is
3378. A noisemaker is not an instrument
3379. A mute bard cannot claim singing as his music
3380. Imitating the Pied Piper or anybody from legends or myths is no longer allowed
3381. No longer allowed to be a bard
3382. Weapons cannot be whips, repeating crossbows, and rapiers when a rogue
3383. In the effort of saving time, no longer allowed to be a rogue without the DM's express permission with regards to personality, character, abilities, and player
My group's ability to turn the mundane into the forbidden was something quite...disturbing at times.
3385 ..Furthermore the Effigy Master may not furnish said casino/brothel with an army of fembots.
3341: I am not allowed to make a character that has all of the following specialties:
Lift Heavy Object
Dodge While Holding Heavy Object
Improvised Weaponry
Throw Live Animal
Flying cows. I like
3331. I am not allowed to keep an armed ballista in a bag of holding.
Awww. Why not?
3363. There are no blondes (really long story
PM me an explanation
3382. Weapons cannot be whips, repeating crossbows, and rapiers when a rogue
Oh god. What did you do?
3384. When wandering down the highway in an earth inherited campaign there will be no demons requesting the best song in the world.
3385. nor will you make a perform check for the first thing that comes to your head
3386. if you roll a natural 20 it did not happen to be the best song in the world
3387. the beast will not whip-crack his whoopy tail before he's done
3388. you may not then walk into the next town and play a tribute
cookie for a reference
Flying cows. I like
3387. the beast will not whip-crack his whoopy tail before he's done
3388. you may not then walk into the next town and play a tribute
cookie for a reference
We were going for "If I throw my enemies at my other enemies, it's like killing two birds with one stone. A thrown stone."
And if that's Tenacious D, then I do believe you mean Rubber tail.
3389: Dorian is no longer allowed to bring his "lovely ladies" onto the ship to adventure with the party.
3390: Especially if Bob writes stats for said ladies.
3391. No longer allowed to make kills with an oil rig.
And a couple more for me...
3392. "Sleeps-with-Fishes" and "Runs-with-Scissors" are not acceptable names for Native American characters
3393. Even if there isn't a size limit on the target of the "Bless Weapon" spell, I am forbidden from casting it on: a) trains; b) walls; c) thermonuclear weaponry of any kind; d) wildlife, even if it is going to be thrown at the enemy; e) party members, likewise; f)continental plates
And if that's Tenacious D, then I do believe you mean Rubber tail.
is it rubber? anyways.
Baked Gods...
At any rate.
3401: Gruelcakes are not the latest culinary sensation.
Oh god. What did you do?
Here's a list:
a) There are no remote firing mechanisms,
b) if there were, they would not involve whips, repeating crossbows, or rapiers
c) repeating crossbows cannot fire rapiers, no matter how specially made
d) whips should not be used to throw the other two
e) whips don't count as ropes
f) my rogue cannot pick any locks, no matter how big, with a rapier or crossbow bolts
g) whips can't be used to choke someone important becuase I don't like them and the whip is in my hand (primary weapons that are seen as useless by most people ROCK)
h) Sleight of Hand cannot be used in conjuction with a whip, no matter how convincing I can be
i) tying my whip to a crossbow bolt is not a good idea
j) the whip cannot be used to hang from trees, buildings, tall people, anything in general, no matter how light my rogue is
k) rapiers can't do that
l) or be used for torture in that way
m) painting wood blue does not make it magical
n) enemies aren't that stupid if they know enough to be afraid of magic
o) even if the rapier is sentient, I can't stick in holes and ask it what it looks like
p) the handheld repeating crossbow is not to be turned into anything resembling batman, Dr. Who, a video game of any kind, or anything else
q) convincing the mage to cast spells on the rapier to temporarily make it look like there was a ghost of the local dead legend ransaking the town is not an acceptable form of entertainment.
r) especially when traveling with a paladin. Or any good characters
s) Ditto 'q' for pirates
t) Ditto 'q' for anything
After all this, it was decided that I was not allowed to use any of the three weapons listed, at least when a rogue because that was when I focused on the skills which allowed me to get that creative, and it was made into one rule for simplicity for our group. Granted, not ALL of those were mine.
Looking at it, I could probably pull most of this off with other stuff, but those three were banned more to make a point than anything else
3403. Trigonometry is not a demon
3404. I cannot play an epic-level kobold which can kill the rest of its party in the blink of an eye, no matter how funny it is.
3405. Giants cannot mate with gnomes.
3406. Killing the mayor is not considered a "chaotic good" act.
3407. I cannot swallow my own phylactery prior to becoming a lich.
3408. A dwarf cannot survive 10,000 beers, no matter HOW high his Constitution is.
3409. Half-elves are not inherently crossdressers.
3410. Improved Crocodile-ing is not a feat.
3411. A crocodile is not an improvised weapon.
3412. I cannot buy a crocodile.
3413. There is no such skill as Craft Crocodile.
3414. I cannot dual-wield battering rams.
oh and Arane. Become a lasher to do cool things with whips (and if the DM lets you take that class then you can do most of the things you mentioned)
3363. There are no blondes (really long story)
Same here.
3388: If, for any reason, a small controlled burst of energy leaves a character and is directed to hit an opponent, that said character cannot yell "Hidoken!" during that time.
(Monk, Wizard, Psionic. Sonova-*Fwoom*)
oh and Arane. Become a lasher to do cool things with whips (and if the DM lets you take that class then you can do most of the things you mentioned)
Sweet.
3389. The Laws of the Conservation of Mass and Energy do not exist in the DnD world
3340. You cannot play a spellcaster just to claim that when you manage to fail at a concentration check the raw energy and matter needed to be consumed to keep the law true will not cause the spellcaster to be consumed.
3341. The power of belief will not make this true for enemies.
3342. You cannot convince the enemies of this, their belief won't make it true either.
3343. Having a conversation about the parents of anything misshapen that was left alone in an attempt to push it into depression and avoid fighting will not work. Instead the being in question will attack any who try as if in a berserker rage.
3344. Or something just as effective as a beserker in rage. (In the case of sorcerers, wizards, ect if we try to use the previous rule to our advantage again)
3346) If you think exactly like the DM do not use that to your advantage....there may be a monster inside of a monster
3347) if a player can make a lvl 5 character that can easely kil a lvl 12, the DM should make the characters
3358) Players (in my campaign) should not read this thread
3359) this is especially true if you are either of the above mentioned players
3360) if a character goes through many life scarring events he may want to kill himself ( my ogre had the grim revenge spell cast upon him, had his hand replaced with a maug hand graft, had his hand shattered (lvl 35 spell) broke his other hand on an ironwood tree, had 2 more maug hands grafted on, had his face ripped off... twice, was eaten by a corpse gatherrer, had 2 different cases of life blindness (and was in a forest), and the gods will NOT let him die...EVER, even if i try to get killed)
3361)may not make a character that can make a 1d20 str/1d20str dmg contact poison with a 32 fort dc.... especially if this character is a slave not a pc(a slave of a lvl 5 character too)
3430: I may not enchant the (recently slain) minotaur's axe with the same spells as a Broom of Flying.
3431: I am not proficient with said Axe of Flying, no matter how many times I ask.
3432: fire elementals do not use alchemist's fire for any kind of personal use you can think of.
3433: there's no such thing as a Beer Golem.
3434: you can't tell how old a wood elf is by cutting them in half and counting the rings.
3435) i should not make moonshine when i was taught to make it by someone who was taught by someone who didnt know how to make it. (this happened to be done and i drank it with my ogre and passed out for over a week,ow, then when i rolled a natural 1 i made a acid that could not be held by anything, even magic[HOLY SH*T]) this is now a very powerful poison.
that was all bad - i killed two party members in one round, and i passed out again
3436) NEVER go into the slums, ever. one person in our play group got rapped to death there six times(different charactes too)
3437)if my character can carry over 300000 pounds i can no longer attempt to carry of building to make a town of my own
3439: Not aloud to start a Workers Revoulution in sharn.
3440: Not aloud to import any real world political philisophys (Demorcrasy, capitolisim, comunisim, the abandonment of monarchy ect) into D&D.
3441: Not aloud to have my charicter recite famous speches from film or history in servace of 3439-3440.
3442) NO called shots to the head with a balista
3443) if you cut a troll in half you do NOT get two trolls (especally if your the troll[and a pc])
3444)sleet storm and gust of wind SHOULD not work, but does
3445) with the feat energy affinity (fire) it is not plausable to change shout from sonic damage to fire damage
3446) moonshine (see above) should not be a poison
3447) pirates and fireball dont mix, especially when not in port
3448) when pickpocketing you should NOT leave your hand in the pocket
3450) And especially may not have a bardic song to inspire courage read "Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill the trolls; hunt them down, there will be no clemancy"
I like the flying axe... flyby attack takes on a new meaning.
thanks. my party's gnome Blue Mage actually wants to do that, that's where I got it from. all I can say is that it's a really good thing they're only 4th level and won't be having funds for that anytime soon. I'm sure you can guess one thing that's already come up when talking about the flying axe...
3451: if, somehow, we're in a Quidditch game, party members may not be used if proper Bludger tools are lacking.
3453) characters cannot be used as weapons while in midair combat.... it hurts when dropped
3454) no you are not high enough lvl to cast the summon TV spell, nor radio (sorry i had to prove the power of an npc)
Step 1: Get there
Step 3: Do stuff
Step 4: Do some other stuff
Step 5: ???
Step 6: Profet!
3457: Even as the verbal component to meteor swarm.
3458: PCs may not go into politics.
3459: Nor may they buy the souls of others.
3460: Especially not the souls of demons, devils, yugoloths, fiendish or half-fiend creatures, dragons, or Elder Gods.
3461: If you even suggest buying the soul of a celestial, it will smite you. At the very least.
3462: The term "snackrifice" may never again be used in reference to player characters.
curse you, i wanted that number
Sheer numbers are no match for skill. An 8th level party should be able to cut down 25 goblins in a few rounds with ease (and great cleave). But if they're CR 8s (or thereabouts), yeah, you're toast. Unless you have somehow managed to break your characters really badly (case in point: level 6 character in a point-based game had access to 9th level spells. Took out an entire column of Orcish APCs in 3 rounds. Wail of the Banshee two or three times, plus Mass Suggestion to get out and dance on the survivors.).
3465. Even if I do manage to get the locals to form a cult worshiping me as a living god, I cannot grant myself divine rank, nor spells.
Burn the witch! Purge the heretic!
For the Emporer!:fight!:
Whoops...aw man, I gotta lay of the 40k. Sorry.
3467. No more convincing the entire party to be vikings of some sort
3468. A group of druids is no better.
3469. Basing the party on anything will automatically kill everyone in the party
3470. Party members are no longer allowed to communicate during character creation except through the DM
3471. If any of the spellcasters learn a useful spell and don't tell anyone about it, the rest of the party is allowed to kill them should they forget it at a critical time.
3472. The animals have to have access to food...and water...and air.
3473. Feeding team members to monsters to save themselves is not acceptable if the characters are good, specifically if one of them is a paladin and does not want to be kicked out
3474. No matter how rude the kings are, stabbing them in full view of the entire court is not acceptable. The DM does not like his plot characters to be removed.
On a similar note, how many norrisses could Chuck Norris chuck if Chuck Norris could chuck norrisses?
3675: No characters based off of, related to, or in any way similar to Chuck Norris.
3676: No silly rhymes unless you are playing a bard.
3678. Or distance...
3679. For that matter, no enchanting modern vehicle weapons...
3792. The same goes for Profession (Mad Scientist).
3793. No matter how much I pay the nice people at Barne's Megolomaniac Supply, Inc, I cannot get fricken' sharks with fricken' laser beams on their fricken' heads.
3794. Nor do I get those cool laser tables that slice a guy in half very slowly, starting at crotch level.
3795. Because there's a PALADIN in the group, man.
3796. Bad sorcerer. Stop suggesting blackguard!
3797. Or assassin. Nobody's impressed with that old gag.
3798. WHAT? YOU AREN'T ALLOWED SUGAR AT THE TABLE!!
3799. Stop stocking the entrance to the dungeon with dozens of homocidal housecats. The fact that they kill commoners like fuzzy little pirahna is beside the point.
3800: As a matter of fact, leave the dungeons ALONE after you clear them, please.
3701: not allowed to name a sword "Kenny" when I know our enemy likes to Sunder.
3702: "Invisible Pants" is not a spell.
3703: I don't need to know what the Pick Pocket DC to steal someone's underwear without them noticing is.
3703: I don't need to know what the Pick Pocket DC to steal someone's underwear without them noticing is.
DC120 to steal your own pants without noticing, so I'd imagine stealing someone else's would be slightly easier...
3704. Not allowed to taunt the paladin using lines from Star Wars
3706. Same with Mending.
3707. I cannot use Mending to 'weld' two broken items together.
3708. I do not have the feat 'Exotic Weapon Proficiency - Javelin Star.'
3709. The Javelin Star is unusable in combat.
3710. Grognor the Smasher does not have a theme song.
3711. Maces are for swinging, not throwing.
Jeeze, which reference do you want?
There's tons, but the original is Treasure of the Sierra Madre, and the most well known is Blazing Saddles
Wow, Strong Bad Email References now from Jaia...
and to keep on topic; #3717 : Wizards are not to enter a gladiatorial battle with a psion and then proceed to thrash said Psion opponent with a single Scorching Ray spell. (I managed to crit one of the rays and did 48 damage in one spell casting, all at ECL 9 [character level 6, half dragon too])
3332: I may not have a animal companion named Kenneth for that purpose
3333: Nobody in the group may be named Kenneth.
3335: Greasy Green Gopher Guts is not a material component of any spell.
3801: Can't go to the top of a city building and throw rocks at a tank and use the gravity rules section to justify damage.
arrrrgh i remember that story. bad GMing to let them do that.
Also evasion cannot be used with an insane amount of C4 thrown at your feet
3803; the bard will not convince the forsaker that the the minotaur just happened to heal it self magicly, at the momunt i said something and touched it.
3804: will not buy a party member back from the goblin bucher in the epic goblin town. Especialy not with said players money.
3805: will not play an animated keg of alchemist fire.
3806: will not get bullet proof lamberguines with turets and turbos... Even if they can afford it... and have the conections... and the skill to opperate such mechinery... because i said so!!!
3808: A cardboard box cannot be used to create a time machine.
3809: Or a duplicatior
3810: Or a Transmigofier.
And could you use magic to prove it?
Wait... "When in doubt, set it on fire" isn't a useful, acceptable motto?
And could you use magic to prove it?
Knock yourself out. Or set yourself on fire, what ever you prefer.
3812: I may never try to seduce the giant minotaur into bed with me...
3813: ...specially if im a halfling.
3814: I can not have profession: DDR professional player.
3815: There is now a 2 drink minimum at all bars and tubs in all games..
3816:.. 2 kegs do not count as 2 drinks.
3817: I can not use disguise to turn into a person of the opposite sex, seduce some guy at a bar, then when we get in bed say "Its a trap!" and show my privates.
3818. Using disguise a million times will not eventually turn me into a micheal jackson look alike...
3819: a detachable nose does not help my disguise checks.
3821. And what's more, the local clerics will probably have something to say about it.
3822. No taking the **** out of Kingdoms of Kalamar deities. Even if they do have silly names.
3823. A half-brick in a sock is not the chosen weapon of any deity. Even in Kalamar.
3824. The cleric of fertility may not use his johnson as a holy symbol. And especially not as a blessed weapon.
3825A Even if my light load is 10 tons
3826B Especially if there's people in them, and/or horses attached
3830. My wookie is not allowed to hug people, for hopefully obvious reasons.
3833: Nope, I can't force-feed poison to the target of my asassin in DnD.
3834: With said asassin, I can't make plans to kill any mythical figures, such as (the DnD equivalent of): The Easter Bunny, Santa, the Tooth Fairy, etc.
3835:I can't make fun of any race/ species/ anything in any WotC game that is shorter than 5 feet tall.
3837. "Gunfighter" is a class--"Punfighter" is NOT!
3839.I dont have to hum the theme to Mortal Kombat every time I get in a fight.
3840. "Smoke em if you got em!" shouted right before my character breathes fire on the opposition is funny ONCE
3841. Ok, maybe twice but that's it, seriously
3842.I shall abandon the thought of using baskets full of kittens with their claws dipped in deadly poison as catapult ammunition.
3843.I shall similarly dismiss all thoughts of using bovine artillery in cattlepults.
3844.NONE of my characters are Fergilicious. Ever.
3845.My character's name is not Uncle
3846. nor is his catch phrase "One more thing"
3847.Even if the GM himself uses the phrase, I am never again allowed to say the words "Elf Nazis" ever again.
3848.Even if they actually are Elves, and even if they actually are capital-N Nazis.
3849.My character can no longer be ONLY described as White and nerdy
3850.When asked a question, my bard needs to occasionally answer with something other than "We're on a mission from God".
I thought gunslinger was the class... punslinger might work better than punfighter. Although punpunslingers are right out.
*starts remaking character*
Darn class restrictions...
3850.When asked a question, my bard needs to occasionally answer with something other than "We're on a mission from God".
We were given a quest from the gods, yes the DM did say all the good ones, and our party drove this quote into the ground.
eh..its hard to keep track...especially when you keep doing it in every gaming group :angelhide
3853: "Ghettos and Gangstas" is similarly forbidden.
3854: Characters may not filter their speech through gizoogle.
3856: I am not Neo. I cannot dodge bullets.
3857: I cannot do both of these things at the same time.
3859: the gnome is not a toy.
3861. There is no such thing as a ewok kobob
3862. Even if there was..my wookie character is not addicted to them
3863. nor is it the only food he can eat
3865: Thus, any character who has to say "But why is the rum gone?" is probably mentally incapable of doing so, and will not.
3866: In cyberpunk games, the phrase, "But why is the RAM gone?" is similarly banned.
3869: Welding torches cannot be used to cook anything.
3870: I am not the master of the "Ridiculously overcomplicated ninja weapon".
3871: A bard makes a bad melee backup
3872: A fighter makes a bad backup lead singer.
3873: Through use of flurry of blows and TWF, I cannot make a monk capable of hitting the opponent 32 times in a round.
3874: And there is no way in hell I can give him vorpal weapons.
3876. Not allloed to give Jolt or Mountain Dew to quicklings--then haste them
3877. May not manipulate quicklings into running full tilt into a wall of force
3875. Slings are not weightless if you have over two dozen. Let alone two hundred(It's called preparation for sunder)
3876. Slings are not free if you have over two dozen.
3877. You cant have over 2 dozen slings
3878. Stone Shape does not create several hundred sling stones
3879. Neither does transmute mud to rock.
3880. You can't use spells to make sling stones.
3881. No slings period
3885: there's no such thing as an electric ukulele. especially in a fantasy campaign.
3886: we are not running a party composed completely of Modrons.
3887: the ogre cannot learn the Perform skill "Juggle (Halfling)."
3888: a woodpecker is a bird, not a prosthetic.
3708-3710. Calvin and Hobbes. Do I get a cookie.
I'll assume you meant 3808-3810. But yes! Here's a cookie!
3889. There are no such things as thumb crossbows.
3890. Furthermore, they do not function as slings.
3891. And Transmute mud to rock cant be used to make needles either.
3892. Slingshots still count as slings, so no using them.
3894. Or to pick up fast food
3895. my AT-AT is not allowed to march in the Macy's Thanksgiving prade
3896.Nor is it allowed to be in the rose bowl prade
3898. The amount of weight you can lift is not a substitute for strength.
3899. If you do use an IQ test to determine intelligence, then it takes ten points of IQ to gain one point of intelligence.
4000. And ten pounds is one point of strength.
4001. If you are still in school, grades don't determine intelligence either. Especially not if you have straight A's
4003: Gnomish Bowling is restricted to the field of battle only.
4004: high-level wizards are not, in fact, "made of teleport spells."
4005: chewing on the Book of Vile Darkness is bad for your health.
all of these happened my last session.
4006 Dragon Urine in a barrel is not a high explosive
4007 Even if it is, dragons wont sell it to you
4008 Even if they do, it can't be used to blow up dungeons, and is most definitely not used when the dungeon is notorious for pits, and it is a impact explosive.
4007: Not allowed to assign a hobgoblin to carry out said plan.
4008: My paladin is not allowed to decide beer is the root of all evil.
4009: My paladin is not allowed to trade Detect Evil for Detect Blood Alcohol Content.
4010: Not allowed to charm everyone in the city.
4011: Not allowed to use Unearthed Arcana without telling the DM.
4012: Not allowed to convent the Loth-touched templement to other deities, and use it on everything.
4013: Not allowed to have Presdigitation as a spell-like at will.
4014: Not allowed to combine 4008 and 4013
4015: When the door opens, it's time to stop pressing buttons.
4016: Not allowed to have a +40 bluff...at 10th level.
4017: Not allowed to have any ranks in Bluff.
4018: Or any interaction skill.
4019: Must use Sense Motive to size up the opposition before picking a fight with the 20th level wizard.
4023: Must remember to buy food
4024: Not allowed to put ",The Redeemed" after every PC's name
4025: Not allowed to swap character sheets in the middle of combat
4026: Not allowed to swap character sheets ever!
4027: Not allowed to name characters after the DM
4028: or any of the players
4029: Not allowed to worship the DM
4030: My character can not worship me
4031: Not allowed to say "you're welcome" after killing other PC's
4032: Not allowed to break the fourth wall
4033: Must respect the WerePlatypus
4034: Not allowed to use old English
4035. Using Mask Of 1000 Faces to scare the Gangrel with a Black Spiral Dancer's face while in a crowded bar is a BAD IDEA.
4036. Making the 6th Gen Toreador frenzy is a BAD IDEA.
4037. We know that the queen in the Malkavian's head is not amused, so stop saying it.
4038. Ticking off an Antediluvian with a god Complex can be done at the player's risk.
4039. A Humanity of 9 is a privelege, not a right.
4040. If The Tremere surfed the Gangrel to save both of their asses from were-lions while waiting for a herd of elephants to help out, then said Gangrel has no room to gripe. (I can explain this one in more detail if necessary)
4041. Said Tremere IS allowed to hang the torpored Assamite from a meat hook, shove a tap in his neck, and use him for blood rituals.
4042. Feral claws ALWAYS do more damage to a were-anything than a silver weapon, therefore, those dots in Melee are pointless.
4043. It's called Vulgar Magic for a reason.
4044. Just because your magic allows you to pack shotgun shells into a 9-mil pistol doesn't mean it's a good idea.
4045. Don't interrupt an Akashic Brother when he's meditating. Ever.
4046. The Cultist of Ecstasy is no longer allowed to lace her Virtual Adept roomate's soap with her stash of LSD, especially if she doesn't want the house to burn to the ground as a result of a bad trip...again.
4047. Said Cultist of Ecstasy is no longer allowed to ask the Dreamspeaker for any of the "special sage" ever again.
And now, we return you to your originally scheduled D20 systems...
4048. Mounted Paladins are useless in a dungeon crawl.
4049. No matter how good your Bluff, Sleight of Hand, Sense Motive, etc. checks are, the bartender STILL saw a rogue stealing copper pieces from a drunk commoner.
4050. Nobody wants to see a dwarf with a Cha of 8 dancing in nothing but a loincloth, especially with no ranks in Perform: Dance.
4051. Yes, Pixie, those roses are black. Yes, they're pretty. Come on, we're all moving this way now.
4052. The half-orc Barbarian is not allowed to hold the female gnome by her hair and spin her above his head like a flail.
4053. Said move is not called the "foxtail combo attack" (brownie points if you know what I'm referring to).
4054. Kobold urine can't be used to make an acid flask.
4056. not allowed to blow up cantina's with high grade explosives
4056. no longer allowed to strap bombs to vorpaks and turn them lose in cargo holds
4057. no longer allowed to kill people because "they looked at me funny"
4059. no longer allowed to moon BBEG
4050. no longer allowed to shoot BBEG mid-monologue
4055. no longer allowed to breed vorpaks
4056. not allowed to blow up cantina's with high grade explosives
4056. no longer allowed to strap bombs to vorpaks and turn them lose in cargo holds
4057. no longer allowed to kill people because "they looked at me funny"
You forgot a few:
4061: Not allowed to have 300 HD at 9th level.
4062: Half-Dragons need "special" armor.
4063: No matter how much he deserves it, Not allowed to torch the Rogue/Assassin just to get at the Barbarians.
4064: Fire immunity is not an excuse to lit yourself on fire every combat.
4065: The 4-year-old Dragon is not the tactical master of the party.
4067: Nor are "Death II" and "Death III" appropriate when said character has died, only to be replaced by characters of the same race, level, skill and feat selection, and armament.
4068: If your character name makes all of the other players look up and start scratching their heads, it is not allowed.
4069: Ender, Ghost, Solid Snake, and Neo are also not appropriate names for characters.
4070: Even in D20 Future.
4071: You may not name your D20 character after your WoW character.
4072: The names of other players, the DM, and modern political figures are also prohibited.
4073: Yes, your character must have a name.
Weretiger? You play WoW? Respect count goin' down...
No, but two of my players do.
I think it's fair to bring White Wolf games into this, so....
Aah, good ole' WOD...
4074. The Linux penguin is not an appropriate Totem
4075. Jokes revolving around the phrase “Hermetically sealed” are forbidden
4076. Quantum physics does not make teleportation coincidental
4077. Magic is either coincidental or vulgar, not blaggable.
4078. No marauders based on Dr. Who
4079. There is no such thing as “aggravating damage”
4080. There is no “Path of What I Was Going To Do Anyway”, nor the "Path of Least Resistance"
4081. Salubri cannot hide in plain sight amongst the Tremere
4082. None of the traditions read “…unless it’s funny”
hey, c'mon, we're all geeks of one stripe or another here. no reason to act like one form of geekdom is more or less geeky than another. :P
4083: "Flaming Sphere" is not rainbow-colored.
4084: there is no combination of feats that makes a greatsword into a special monk weapon.
4085: the Glove of Storing's command word is not "I choose you!" followed by the name of the item stored.
4086: sentient beings are not griffin food.
4088 I am not allowed to save all five-thousand of my action points for the BBEG.
4087 There are no rainbow dragons, and their breath weapon is not an inverted cone of discomfort.QUOTE]
Warning:Serious content ahead!
Unfortunately there is. It's called the prismatic dragon and it's CR is at least 65.
Also, If you wan't to have a character with guns. Buy d20 modern, not D&D.
Serious content ended
4091: Even if my dwarf is an entertainer, "Yo momma"-jokes are not a good idea.
4092: "Yo momma"-jokes at the elf who got abandoned by his parents is a bad idea.
4093: It's an even worse idea if the elf has shapeshifted into a bear.
4094: Oh, and also I was sitting on his back at the time... (GM didn't allow player kills, if he had that would have been one of the most short-lived characters in RPG history)
And one I haven't done, but feels appropriate today:
4095: A fireball to the face is not an April fools joke!
4097: No singing.
4098: No whistling.
4099: No, no humming either...
4100: No snapping fingers!
4101: And no tap dancing!
4102: You are now bound and gagged. The warrior carries you on his shoulder.
4103: ...Stop bobbing your head like that!
4105: As a matter of fact, nothing is a valid excuse to steal my bokken and attack another player with it.
4106: No suggesting that the party eat the druid's animal companion before the corpse is even cold.
4107: Especially in the winter.
4108: Having the fighter in the heavy armor in the back of the marching order is a bad idea.
4109: Especially in deep snow where movement is halved.
4110: Eldritch Blasting the raging goblin is a bad idea when you have no one else between you and it.
4111: Especially when the DM keeps rolling criticals (had probably 5-6 crit threats against the PCs in 4 encounters; the one against the warlock was the only one that was confirmed, though. With a battleaxe for x3. Down to -7 in the first round of combat.).
4112: Being hit by a javelin for 1 point of damage does not permanently remove one's pinky toe.
1885. As A wizard, I will not comment that it takes 9 pages to scribe the power word: kill, despite the fact that it is one word.
The Spell is one word, then there's the extended warranty, the warning (using Power Word: Kill may hazardous to your health or that of your friends; (Source of your power here) is not responsible for any injuries incurred), and the ads (If you liked Power Word: Kill, you might enjoy these other Power Word spells)
Some My "Friends" need:
4113: Not allowed to roll 4 18's for a single character:OMG!
4114: Not allowed to read Manga during the session
4115: Not allowed to have 3 shifter Swashbucklers in one party
4116: Not allowed to kill the BBEG in one crit, then take forever to kill one lowly shark.
4117: Not allowed to make fun of names the DM came up with on the fly
It all really happened! Really!
4119. A wizard that consumes their familiar does not get their XP back.
4120. No longer allowed to refer to a flying carpet as "A woven mat of levitation:
4121. No longer allowed to say mat, or levitation
4122. Just because a cloak has spider in its name does not mean it was made from "the dandruff of llolth"
4123. Similarly, a robe of many eyes is not a beholder's bathtowel
4124. And a helm of brilliance does not help people solve puzzles.
4125. When I make a game titled Ownage RPG, I am not allowed to convert any characters from it into D&D
Yes, all this happened. Including the dandruff of llolth
"SPOON!"
"There is no Spoon."
4127. My not bring up the concept of a Flight between Neo & The Tick, knocking the session off rails for about an hour.
"SPOON!"
"There is no Spoon."
Just Hilarious.4128. Blow up the building you are trying to get important documants out of because a party member got caught
4129. Have my Barbarian refer to himself in the third person and threaten to chop off the other characters' manhoods and feed them to the goats ala Shagga son of Dolf.
I am no longer allowed to . . .
4129. Have my Barbarian refer to himself in the third person and threaten to chop off the other characters' manhoods and feed them to the goats ala Shagga son of Dolf.
win. :D :D :D
4132: not allowed to destroy an entire demiplane with a tiny bit of a black hole and claim it was an accident because the character doesn't know any physics.
4133: no punning in front of the Sitting Eldar.
4135. power hungry wizards should not, but can, have "snu-snu" with trolls......even if it is to become the chief of the village to take the statue they worship to the tainted mage so that you can learn from the book of vile darkness
4136. 4135 is especailly true if you are the not evil........at least yet.....
4138: Urinating on someone, does not work like a torture device(happened)
4139: Not all bar maids are unexpected reinforcements
4140: Chuck Norris isn't a god.
4141: Even if he is, he does not have a bad
domain.4142: Giving old equipment to a random warrior is pointless
4143: My characters battle cry isn't "You brought this on yourself scum"
4144: Especially when attacking innocents in an evil campaign(happened)
4137: Stealing Demi-Planes is not permitted
4140: Chuck Norris isn't a god.
4141: Even if he is, he does not have a bad
campaign(happened)
ROFL! I'm tempted to bug my GM about that next time we start a D&D campaign... not seriously, of course, that'd get my character smote twelve seconds into the game. lol!
4146. I am no longer allowed to play a Malkavian whose primary derangement is that he thinks the whole world is actually just a made up role playing game. (I actually did this in a Dark Ages Larp)
4148. goblin mech suits are not to be messed with.......even if you are immune to fire (dm said that it would blow up eventually destroying the world.....)
Which, stealing demi planes or chuck norris? Since stealing demi planes can be very entertaining if not abused(meaning you have to have more mature players than I do).
Heh, should have made that more clear. I was talking about the Chuck Norris bit. I'd be able to get my group to laugh about that once, then they'd shoot me if I persisted. lol!
As for stealing demi planes, I haven't really done enough research into the great many books the GM possesses so I wouldn't know how. :P
4149: That x-ray scope doesn't let me shoot through walls.
4151: The Scout probably shouldn't get her Skirmish if the ten feet she ran through happened to be on fire.
4152: No you cannot sell the Adamantite Dungeon door. Even if the Fighters Fullblade can probably pry it off.
4153: The Rogue is not allowed to use his Ring of Invisibility any more.
4154: If the Sorceror needs more rulebooks to see how he can have a certain creature for his familiar then he needs for his own character during a single gaming session then he cannot have it. (our DM let him have it anyways)
4155: Characters are no longer allowed to be named Noname (pronounced No-nam)
4156: Using the last Wish in our Ring of Wishes to trap the soul of Ashalderon was probably a bad idea.
4156: You cannot trick the Rogue into trying to disarm the Glyph of Death anymore after the third True Rez.
4157: The Ranger probably shouldn't have been able to almost single-handedly kill a Demi-God no matter what her weapon and class abilities are. Even if she did roll 4 crits in a row.
4158: The Fighter is now required to have a Ring of Burnt Mind.
4159: And the Rogue.
4160: And the Sorceror.
4161: And the Ranger... maybe we should stop fighting Vampires...
4162: The Wizard is not allowed to have more wands then he has spell slots.
4163: If the Rogue can do 10d6 Sneak Attack damage to anything and everything (even Undead, Constructs, and Fortified Armor) Then there's probably a problem.
4163: The Fighter is not allowed to have more then one Fullblade.
4164: The Fighter's Fullblade is not allowed the enchantment "Asskickery"
4165: Nor is any other weapon for that matter.
4166: My characters are no longer allowed over sized weapons, even if the character counts as large. (After beheading a dragon with 3 nat 20s in a row...)
4167: No, my fighter is NOT allowed to "Throw the rogue at it."
4168: Same for barrels
4169: EVEN IF THEY ARE KABOLDS, I am not allowed to kick allies at the enemies
4170: Meepo IS an ally, even if he accidentally almost killed the Sorcerer. (2 nat 1s in a row, the DM was laughing hard.)
4171: Belloc, my fighter, is no longer allowed to play with, or even get near, open flames
4172: Or any other fire for that matter
4173: If you have an Elf Rogue, and a Half-Elf sorcerer in your group, you are NOT allowed to "eat the elf pudding"
4174: Just because you discovered Hobyas where weak against wood by throwing an acorn through its head, does NOT mean you can try thins on everything else
4175: No your battle cry can NOT be "FOR SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
4176: Screw it, the 300 jokes got old 2 sessions ago, STOP USING THEM!
4177: Never screw with the NPC Bard, even if he's annoying, because he just might turn out to be a Demon with Class levels
4178: A Human should never get into a drinking contest with a Dwarf. Even if said Dwarf had already been drinking for several hours.
4179: No the Elf Druid chick does not want to "go to the back room", especially if said Druid is played by a male character.
4180: Just because my Rogue survived falling off of the top of a mountain by getting three nat 20s in a row on his tumble checks does not mean he should try to recreate it.
4181: Yes the DM does have it out for the Sorcerer.
4182: The fact that the Rogue can take a 10 foot step, be standing beside the fighter but still flanking, and be able to make a full attack action with sneak attack against anything with hit dice and do 12d6 Sneak Attack damage is probably not right.
that's all for now more to come (we have a very strange group)
4184: If our foes arrows realy do blot out the sun then we run.
4185: teleporting is also an aceptable plan.
4186: As is Plane shifting.
4187: No, if diplomatic relations have reached the 'arrows that blot out the sun' point its probibly too late to change sides.
4188: It is not simply an opertunity for a suprise attack by deploying Vampires during the day.
4189: Where did you get those Vampires any way?
4190: No, your paladin probibly shouldnt have done that...
4191: Players no longer aloud to posess any extradimensional spaces capable of holding an adult human, or multiples.
4195: "Lending the guy a hand" is not acceptable after severing his arm from the wrist down.
4196: I cannot ask the alchemist and crafter to make shoulder-mounted mortars for the party's construct.
4197) Nor can I have a PC that's addicted to painkillers.
4198) And honestly, being crippled and having a base speed of 10ft only makes those dungeon crawls last longer.
# 4201: Dwarf tossing is NOT a sport.
# 4202: ...nor is it socially acceptable.
# 4203: ...especially by thier beards.
# 4204: Smaller party members are not weapons, even if i could wield them
# 4205:My cleric cannot worship a god that eats babies and requires me to eat them too
# 4206: ... Or any other race on the planet
# 4207: ... Or in the whole multiverse
# 4208: KILLINGYOGUY is not a name i can use for a pc
# 4209: Or a class
# 4210: Or a job occupation
# 4211: While being stealthy, I cannot play my 9 foot barbarian.
# 4212: Or use the wall to a building as a door
# 4213: I cannot exact a full bounty if my bounty's jaw is no longer connected
# 4214: even if i still have the jaw with me
# 4215: I cannot quote any movie, EVER AGAIN, EVER, My DM thretened Cthulu on me
# 4216: "DAMN YOU BALTHAZAR!!" Is not a battle cry
# 4217: Neither is " I enter my rage and draw my rapier"
# 4218: Eating a god dosen't give me divine ranks
# 4219: and neither does stealing my own pants
# 4220: The "totally useless bubble gun" is not a weapon....Anymore
(Later changes, when i created a lvl 15 monk that had a 320 ft flying jump kick. gave hobbit ball a brand new meaning)
4222 : My girlfriend is not allowed to play as a mindflayer bard with a cha of 18 or more
4223 : My girlfriend is not allowed to have any ranks in use rope.
4224 : Under NO POSSIBLE CONDITIONS am i allowed to get a Keen scythe of ANY bonuses with my Warforged Ninja (get it? Darksteel ninja?)
4225 : I am not allowed to make another 540 hp hexblade just so i can get a small air elemental familiar with 270 hp - more then most of the party
4226 : I am not allowed to eat the dwarf.
4227 : I am not allowed to use the dwarf as a cannon ball
4228 : I am not allowed to make another charater with 8 wis and be CN just to do be able to go and hit the dragon realy realy hard
4229 : I am never to be given a bag of holding and a portable hole
4230 : i am never to be given any amount of Grease wands
4231 : I am not allowed to cast grease,flaming hands, endure elements, and web on the party halfling
4232 : if i DO cast the aforementioned spells, i am not to throw the halfling at the nearest monster ( think sticky, burning midget sticking to your chest. i call it flaming frodo)
4233 : I am not to be trusted with cursed items
4234 : I am not to be left unsupervised near any orphanages
4235 : I am not allowed to make another chain lightning happy delusional warmage/ Bloodmagus
4236 : I am never to be trusted with a nearby village with flamable objects in it.
4237 : i am never to be trusted with a ring of 3 wishes, luckblade , or any object that grants me wishes
4238 : i am never. ever.ever.ever.EVER to be given the option to kill the party dwarf
And finaly
4239 : The hobit is NOT a ranged weapon, cannot be tied to a arrow and fired by a arcane archer , Not to be used as a cannon ball, not to be used as cannon fodder, Not to be used as a decoy , Not to be thrown ; taped to gernades, TNT , C4 , Liquid Hydrogen, Oxygen , Methane Or any form of explose , Not to be set aflame , Not TO be used as a Sacrifice , Or as a meal for my mount ( a pegasus lich ), Given any cursed items, Polymorphed into a whale, Polymorphed into a Balor, SUcubus, Elf, Pokemon , Dragon, Spider, Cat, Mouse, Cow, Minotaur, Electric powered lizard, ****, Dwarven **** , Or any version whatsoever of a Raindeer
Im REALY hoping they lift up 4239 soon. I miss the flaming frodo stratigy. Fun isnt it. And useful, when you realise web makes him stick, the grease burns 1d6 dmg per round, and he can stab you with a poisend dagger
darksteel
4240 :The pally cannot be gay without taking prestige class levels in pink guard. Bi sexual pally are just impossible.
4240 :The pally cannot be gay without taking prestige class levels in pink guard. Bi sexual pally are just impossible.
why? there's nothing wrong or evil about being gay or bi.
4241: while interrogating, asking "do I get to eat this one?" is not part of playing Good Cop.
4242: no longer allowed to combine Ray of Frost, a banana peel, and Improved Trip.
4243: Melf's Acid Arrow is not part of Improved Trip either. (whoa....)
Thus
A Pink guard would be a gay republican
And pink is not a bi color. There is no bi color
Because a lawful good pally could basicly be discribed as a rebublican, who hate gay/bi sexual people
Thus
A Pink guard would be a gay republican
And pink is not a bi color. There is no bi color
Its not pink its lightish red (name that reference and get a cookie)
Its not pink its lightish red (name that reference and get a cookie)
Red Versus Blue, said by Doughnut. :P
4244: "Go to Hell" is not a verbal spell component.
4244: "Go to Hell" is not a verbal spell component.
Not even of Dismissal?
Because a lawful good pally could basicly be discribed as a rebublican, who hate gay/bi sexual people
Thus
A Pink guard would be a gay republican
And pink is not a bi color. There is no bi color
yeah, because a D&D world is just like the real world in these aspects.
and you're over-generalizing and incorrect - there actually is a gay Republican organization, called Log Cabin Republicans. saying that all Republicans hate gay people is, therefore, also incorrect. please, try to get your facts straight before making these broad generalizations, even if they're meant as a joke.enough said on that.
4245: there is no Craft:Alchemy check for any kind of amphetamine, even if you just want to use it to make the horses go faster.
4246: the bard cannot play the full version of "In-a-gadda-da-vida" in the middle of battle to give the party time to figure out tactics.
4247: no one serves Mimic Steak, and even if they did, it wouldn't change into something else while you chewed.
4248: Sigil is not a frisbee.
4230: Neither is Craft (Monster Corpses).
Not even of Dismissal?
Maaaybe if said in Latin, but then I wouldn't know the words or how to phrase them. lol! :P
Maaaybe if said in Latin, but then I wouldn't know the words or how to phrase them. lol! :P
But latin doesn't exist in D&D... say it in draconic... gethrisj ekess uoinota
4232: Similarly, gestalt monk paladins with serious emotional issues are banned.
4233: There is no Fluffy the Awesome Celestial Cat prestige class.
4334: Similarly, there is no Drizzt Clone prestige class
4235: I will not get a license plate that says NCRMNCR 1001GP, HP1967, or any other gaming plate with a tough character in a modern setting.
4236: I will not refer to formerly allied fighters as Tanky Meat Shields
4237: Nor will that be the reason they were Formerly allied
4238: Die Mother****** is not an appropriate battle cry for a paladin
4239: Or a good aligned fighter
4240: Or most anything other than a sellsword
4241: I will not make crude jokes about the code of conducts abbreviation while playing D20 modern
4242: Climbing a ladder will not heal a fallen paladin.
4243: Similarly, doing the DM's laundry for 6 months in advance does not equal me coincidentally having 6 18s
Red Versus Blue, said by Doughnut. :P
here you go4244. Lime green is not an okay color for an AT-AT
4245 Nither is neon pink
:P
4248. The bumpersticker "My other car is the Death Star" is not allowed on my AT-AT unless I acturally own it
4249. Same goes for the sun crusher and star forge
4251. I am not allowed to white out all but the first three letters on the sign of the assassins guild in a comedy campaign.
4252. In a serious campaign I am not even allowed to think about it.
4253. Carrying around a lead pole and hitting the players with it whenever their characters lose hp is not an appropriate action.
4254. I can't remove the lower part of all the limbs of a living captive with a paladin.
4255. I will not make rude jokes about a persons "portable hole"
4256. Or their "rod of lordly might"
4257. Regeneration can't be used to gain extra limbs.
4258. Nor will I mention that and a "rod of lordly might" on the same thread in the mature forum.
4257. Regeneration can't be used to gain extra limbs.
you know that that actually happens sometimes in real life, right.(my mum used to have an axolotol or whatever they're called that was slashed by a cat near it's leg so it grew a spare)
4258: not allowed to have all animated objects speak with French accents. singing and dancing are right out.
4259. Especially if they are axes.
4260. I am also not allowed to make them a body out of armor pieces and spider legs.
4261. Nor am I allowed to metagame anywhere near as blatantly as is needed to come up with that sort of stuff.
4262: not allowed to play a character named Jesus, whether or not I expect him to automatically make all his saves.
4263: (In WWtA) Not allowed to make a metis named Jesus with Create Elements as his breed gift and derangement: schizophrnenia as his deformity if the super christian is playing.
4265. If someone else does that and has to pay the normally, I can't buy the skill "Kicking a**"
4266. Or "Fighting like Chuck Norris"
4267. Or "Killing people with every weapon known to man"
4268. Or even"Kung fu, ninjitsu, yarijitsu, and shield"
4269. BAB does not stand for Big a** B**** no matter what the chaotic evil halfling ranger says.
4270. And that ranger can't carry around a lead sheet and have ADD
4272: really not allowed to make a Spellthief named any variant of "Sylar."
yes, both of these came up last session. :D
4274. Command words for contingent spells that are explosive, dangerous, or toxic may not be literary conjunctions.
4275. Even if you are evil, it is in poor taste to put a contingent spell on an expecting father that will explode "When he first holds his new baby."
4279. You may not create your own spells at the arcane academy entirely based on your slivers deck.
4281 : or an toy
4282 : not that kind of toy
4283 : the delusional flaw is forever barred to me
4284 : If the King gives you his only son to escort ot of the country, he expects him to come back alive, and not a Lich wild mage
4285 : If the above happens, i am not to come in drunk saying YOUR SON IS BACK, MI LORD
4286 : Doubly so the kid is riding a tarrasque
4291.My wrist watch doesn't have a laser and the BEBG knows I'm full of ****.
4292.The dead giant's war-sword is not an acceptable patron.
4293.After the gunfight nukes up the place, I shouldn't complain about the lousy service when I still dont have my 'Frosty.
4294.Even if it was the pirate who boarded our ship who shot the command console, its STILL my fault the ship crashed. I dont have a leg to stand on in the arguement.
4295. I am not to bring a knife to a sword fight.
4296. I am not to bring a sword to a pistol fight.
4297. I am not to bring a pistol to a rifle fight.
4298. I am not to bring a rifle to a L.A.W fight.
4299.Just because shooting all the witnesses is my only hope to get away with it does not mean I can shoot them and still call myself the hero.
4300. I am not allowed to build a character off of the combined concepts presented in this thread. A klingon ninja monk in a digital universe who calls himself the chosen three, who always wears a monocle and has a severe disposition against halflings who's chosen weapons include among the following; a kusari war fetus, tobasco shurikens, and dual-cats, is beyond concievable.
4284 : If the King gives you his only son to escort ot of the country, he expects him to come back alive, and not a Lich wild mage
4285 : If the above happens, i am not to come in drunk saying YOUR SON IS BACK, MI LORD
I nearly died reading that form laughter. Thanks a lot
4300. I will not take Craft Mentally Disturbing Image
Craft Salsa Bowls from Koboldian enemies
Claim myself to be a sexy shoeless god of war
or name my Halfling Ranger Belkar Bitterleaf
4308. Nor may I launch the two nameless soldiers first, see where they splat, then adjust my aim accordingly.
4310. Train a giant ant and have it breed.
4311. Especially for target practice.
4313 : Or zombie food
4314 : or Moving bodys
4315 : I am not allowed to use commoners as catapult ammo
4316 : or tarassque bait.
4317 : Or weapons
4319: ... Nor can I call all the fox moreaus that...
4320: i can no longer make a character named George W. Bush and give him the int the real one actually has; 3.
4321: i can no longer try to make chibi characters and claim "cuteness" as a race attribute
4322: I can not try and seduce the GM to get better things...
4323: ...speccially if we're both guys (Go bi guys! ^~^ )
4324: no more claiming the Wii controler as my weapon of choice
4326. ... and have the DM slap them if they don't.
4327. I don't get bonuses for using my short swords against some loser barbarian with an axe.
4328. Nor can I call flame strike (Is that what it's called?) Elfire.
4329. Nor can I also use the animated PCs to kill the new PCs my friends make.
4331: I will not make coup de graces with arrow-stabs just to prove that arrow-stabbing is an effective combat technique.
4332: Especially against other party members.
4333: I will not make sneak attacks with arrow-stabs for the same reason as 4331.
4334: No matter how many people I kill with arrow-stabs, I may not take Weapon Focus (Arrow-stab).
4335: Or even Weapon Proficiency (Arrow-stab).
4336: No, I'm not allowed to arrow-stab the DM (I AM the DM...)
4337: Regardless of how merciless I am feeling, the 30-headed tarrasque does not exist.
4338: Nor does any character capable of killing the 30-headed tarrasque outside of an epic game.
4339: Especially if said character relies on arrow-stabs to do so.
4339: Especially if said character relies on arrow-stabs to do so.
4340. I may not have a 30 headed tarrasque as a mount
4343 I am not allowed to be a funny, chaotic monk and call him jackie chang
4344 I am not allowed to say to women TWFers " You really could use that oversized two weapon fighting feat"
4345 I'm not allowed to play a 25 int 25 wis 25 cha character, because the DM thinks that would be too realistic
4348: If she does, id better not be named Shezadoma Trix
4349: Shed better not be using the tarrasque as a toy
4350: Yes, THAT kind of toy
4351: If she does, and the dm says that the gods appear before me, id better just stop
4352: and id sure as **** not kill them off in one turn
4353: espicaly if i do it with a whip
4354: Drinking the blood of a god doesnt mean i turn into one.
4355: If i break the 4th wall, i am NOT allowed to kill jesus ( actuay happened, the DM made a dc100check to see the fourth wall, then gave it 3141562653 hp with dr 1000/ southpark . I killed it, and kinda went on a murder rampage. It ended when i went back behind time starting and tasted the color purple, infused my self with infinity, and killed off france. The DM decided it was out of control when i broke into *real* Reality, and he said NO and im like like SNEAK ATTACK TO THE HEAD!!! and my gf snuck up behind him an slaped him. Durring that time i killed jesus, moses, and got in a cat fight with hitler. HINT i was level 11.)
4356: Drow do not have racial proficicancy : *** toy
yes, last session was made solely to see what i could get away with. Also i tried to see if i would get slaped. ( there were 5 girls in the group. i diddnt get slaped, all though 1 girl got hurt from fliping over in her chair. The best part was her shirt somehow fell off. wink wink nudge nudge)
4358: just if one time you fumbled and the attack of opportunity on you also fumbled and so three of your allies got attacks of opportunity on the creature, two of them critting and the other being a rogue getting sneak attack, doesn't mean it should be a common tactic
4359: hiding in a bag of holding with the top slightly open for air is not a good strategy when 1) you can't get out, and 2) the enemy wizard can easily drop a fireball bead into the bag (and did)
-all actually from my game-
4361. Quickened Disintegrating a pit under a BBEG during a speech is not allowed.
4362. Especially if the next spell is Transmute Stone to Mud on the ceiling.
4363. And the one after is is Transmute Mud to Stone on the Mud.
4364. Mohava Bonavien is not a battle cry.
4365. Order of the stick is not a strategy guide.
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord as a checklist for my LE character
4367.Just because Seek Food considers live edible insects food, doesn't mean that I can subtitute that spell for finding the nearest human village.
4368. No, I may not play an Anti-Hero on the grounds that it is more fun.
4369. No, an anti-hero does not annihilate on contact with a hero.
4370."Anti-matter justifies everything" does not work as a justification
4371. I may not use the example of Star Trek as an example of said justification- it's handwaving, not justifying.
4372: No, that does not mean waving my hand will cause the GM to allow it.
4373.That doesn't make me a Jedi Anti-hero either.
4374.Even if my character were a Jedi Anti-hero, that would not give me the ability to Jedi Mind Trick the GM.
4375.Should my GM send my character on any sort dungeon crawl, smoking out the dungeon with car exhaust and then coming in later with gas-masks to get the loot is in poor taste.
4366. Can not use The Top 100 Things I'd Do
If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord as a checklist for my LE character
Guilty.
4377.Especially if they're pistol sized and have virtually no recoil.
4378.It's EVEN MORE of a no-no if the campaign is set in a pre-tank era.
4375.Should my GM send my character on any sort dungeon crawl, smoking out the dungeon with car exhaust and then coming in later with gas-masks to get the loot is in poor taste.
perhaps, but if I ever play D20 Modern, I'm so going to do that. :D :D :D
4379: my bard is not a Guitar Hero, and his spells come in levels, not colors or brands of guitar.
4380: it's a branch and you're using telekinesis. it's not a Broom of Flying.
4382: moreso if the targer is an orphan
4383: even more so if he isnt looking at me
4387. Especially if I'm sitting on a nuke with a carpenters hammer.
4388. No. Crap I see on bugs bunny doesn't work. But thats no excuse for spooking the crap out of the other players when they aren't like-wisened.
4389. A critical failure means I injure myself with the hammer, not set off the bomb.
4390.The number of zeros at the end of the check is directly proportionate to the number of hostages I bring back alive.
4392. When I'm the only mechanic on a starship with sufficient skill to fix the reactor before it either cools out and stalls or burns off and melts in the middle of a firefight, this is a VERY bad idea.
4393.In the blaze of glory is a figure of speach. Under no circumstances am I to name my flamethrower Glory
4394.My last words shouldn't be "I'm far too entertaining to die!"
4397: Neither can mage armor.
4398: Even if I am capable of building a character with a 32 dexterity using a rules set acknowledged as "mostly balanced" by my group, I probably shouldn't.
4399: Especially at 4th level.
4401. Find a sleeping chromatic dragon, wake it up, and run to the nearest town.
4402. Do that again.
4403. Take some inhaled poison, then cast Gust of Wind on it.
4405: He is not to jump on the bar and do it.
4406: He is NOT to dodge the Half-Orc Barbarian when he tries to stop his showboating (he did.)
(This actually got me kicked out of a game due to a misunderstanding-I wasn't supposed to be singing the song out-of-game and I'd been warned for other things.)
Stuff I One Day Wish To Do
4407: I will not sicc the 100th-Level Fiendish Dire Half-Adamantium Golem Charizard Warbeast on Drizz't.
4408: I will not use my god's chosen weapon to unclog my toilet
4409: I will not make a Dire Pikachu...Again...
4410: I will not turn cuddly pet animals into Humanoids, give them ridiculously overpowered classes, and expect people to treat them honestly (Psych!)
4412. I may not use the time machine to shoot Jesus instead of saving the world
4413. Or anyone else of significant importance.
4414. And "**** You!" is not a good excuse for doing so.
4415. My homemade disposable camera taser is not to be used against the GM.
4416. Because if I do, then my GM is allowed to drop a Boulder Of Smiting from the heavens and deal 100d6 damage to me.
4417. I may not waste all of my gold on beer.
4418. And I can't invent the Molotov Cocktail in a DnD Campaign, no matter how high my INT score is.
4420: I may not build a theurge class for every possible combination of base classes.
4421: If WotC does so, I may not use said theurge classes.
4422: I may not play a pastamancer.
4422: I may not play a pastamancer.
Would a pastamancer be able to summon the Spaghettimonster?
4423: It doesn't matter how gullible my character is, I shouldn't keep running into obvious traps.
4426. I am not allowed to play a psionic character and name it Mr. Hand or Mr. Book. (extra points if someone guesses where this reference is from.)
You forgot Mr. Sleep.
4428. I am never allowed grant the partys wish for a Tarrasque, even if i make it the size of a house cat.
4429. I am never allowed to carry throwing axes if i have a negetive dex modifier.
4430. I can never have or use a Rod of Construct control again, even if i got a cool construct army.
Dark City.
You forgot Mr. Sleep.
You guessed it... Bonus points for you.
I did totally forget Mr. Sleep, as well as many others...
4432. STOP METAGAMING (very important words out of the DM shortly after 4431 happened)
4433. The group shouldn't purposely look for reasons to kill the more-then-likely-recurring group of NPCs
4435: especially if "him" is the party's now-dead rogue.
4437. I can't play as a barbarian halfling, nor as a sorcerer kobold.
4438. I won't stuck the katana's case in the cleric's butt while he is uncounscious.
4441. I am not allowed to play with any PrC, Class, or Feat that will make my weapon glow blue. (Apparently My DM doesn't like Incarnum.)
4442. I am not allowed to plan my characters life out to the 30th level.
4443. If I do plan my characters life out to the 30th level, I cannot complain about it if my DM kills off my character at 2nd level.
4444. If it looks like a bunny sitting on a log, for everyone's sake leave it alone, and far behind you. Run away!!! Retreat!!! Run away!!!
4445. It is just wrong when the melee guy in your party is not able to do a feat of strength, but the wizard using the card can do it.
4446. I am not allowed to have an invisable familar. No matter how convient that could be.
4447. I am not to name my wizard Tim the Enchanter.
4448. If I do name my wizard Tim the enchanter, he will die a horrible death on the way to the meeting to get the quest during the first adventure.
But whatever you enjoy is good with me... Unless it involves me...:P
4450. ...it also isn't a good idea to crawl into the Bag of Holding to avoid a pack of yeth hounds that are on your tail because you're ALONE in the Outlands...unless you're ready to deal with the creature that lets you out of the bag when it finds it...
4451. no matter how slap-happy you are after a night of gaming, it never pays to interrupt the DM and the mood by singing "Asmodeus, Asmodeus...As-mo-deus...Asmodeus, Asmodeus..." to the tune of pop-star Falco's 1980's hit "Rock Me Amadeus"...and not expect Asmodeus to show up...*
4452. it also isn't very wise to sing "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark when being questioned by Azlin the Lich.*
4453. using ESP on Azlin is never a good idea either.
4454. casting Gate on a Sphere of Annihilation is like a box of chocolates...you never know what you're gonna' git...in my case it's something akin to a crunchy anti-magic shell with a gooey, massive, interdimensional, black hole center...
4455. you will never, ever beat a Succubus at her own game of seduction...
4456. ...especially if she is in love with a Baatezu Pit Fiend.
4457. when your party members are goin' toe-to-toe with a nefalshnee on a massive stone dias suspended over a pit by huge chains...DO NOT cast Shatter on the chains...even though it may seriously maim the nefalshnee...your party members may or may not be very thankful of your bright idea...
4458. you will never, ever, ever be able to hide your paladin's curse of lycanthropy.
4459. contrary to popular belief, a kick to the groin doesn't do anything to fend off a hungry thri-kreen...
4460. ...or werewolf...
4461. ...or gilted Pit Fiend lover.
4462. when the fire mephit tells you the portal in the lower ward goes to the elemental plane of air...don't use it to escape the Harmonium patrol without having tested it first...
4463. you know the game is a bust when your players are running around with bags of holding full of vorpal swords after sacking a githyanki fortress...
4464. don't pet the ghoul lord...the ghoul lord is sick.
4465. gods never find quippy one-liners funny.
4466. note to self: breaking the demon sword in the hopes of the trapped demon wreaking havoc upon your enemies is NEVER a good backup plan.
4467. the phrase "i open the coffin" is never clever when in a vampire lair.
4468. when playing a neutral evil necromancer, it's always a good fun to keep a list of NPCs that ****** you off...that way, when you're high enough level, you can create 100 undead crows (called the Murder) that you can send to pick out the eyes of those who have offended you and bring them back for your collection...just don't be mad when the DM asks you to hand over your character sheet and re-roll a new one.
4469. if your elf ranger is a free-spirited ladies man...use protection...you don't want your bitter, half-elf son hunting you down 20 years later because he's got a score to settle...or wants all that child support...or just so happens to have become the tyrannical leader of the expansionistic human empire bent on destroying all elves...
4470. never underestimate the power of a well-coordinated germaline ambush...
4471. when you've donned your diving bell and are setting off to confront the Seaspawn Master in its murky underwater lair be sure you A) - carry more than one harpoon; B) - are able to notify the party above water of your plight in case things go wrong; and C) - have a "Plan B" in case you forgot A and B above.
*i know i totally dated myself with these references...
4473: even if the rules allow it, i am not allowed to have a stiched flesh psudonatural dragon familiar ( its a bird! its a plane! its a...WHAT KIND OF MERCIFUL GOD WOULD CREATE SUCH A THING?
4474: looting orphanages is considered a chaotic evil act, and thus i am not allowed to do it.
4475: Mainly, because i was the pally
4476: My milkshake doesnt bring all the boys to the yard
4477: having a wis score of >7 does nt mean my monk can bend the laws of physics
4478: spankings do not change a pally's alignment
4479: Blow up the building and everything near it is not an acceptable plan B
4480: my warmage does not have chain lightning. end of discussion.( heres a hint- it involved quake 1 physics)(and earth shaping spells)(and control weather)
4482) I am not allowed to base evil goddesses off my ex-GF. (Also too late!)
4484: Despite what TV would have you believe, EVERYONE expects the Spanish Inquisition.
4485: The Pyrokineticist is to be kept under watch at ALL times, especially in the city.
4486: I am not allowed to attack all of the nobles in the land with a crucifix with the idea being that ONE of them has to be the vampire.
4487: If I ever mention the wookie scenario again, Darth Vader kills me.
4489: I am not allowed to use the Noble's ability to call in favors to bypass the dungeon.
4490: Ewoks cannot dual-wield double light sabers.
4491: No more half-fiend Barbarian characters with red robes, a greatsword, and dog ears.
4492: Just because Raistlin could do it, doesn't mean I can.
4493: Just because I am in a higher level math class than the DM doesn't mean I can make up laws of physics and pretend they are real.
4494: No, you cannot use the dragon's horde to set up a gnomish Alchemist Fire factory.
4495: I am to refrain from writing "Pwned" with Explosive runes.
4496: My elven Wild Mage does not suffer from Epilepsy.
4497: Gnomes cannot headbutt Great Wyrm dragons and expect results.
4498: The Bard is not to introduce himself and the party to the enemy right before the rest of the group ambushes the bandits.
4499: My characters Int score is 15, so I am to refrain from acting like it is 3.
4500: No matter how many kobolds there are, 5 metric tons of acid is never justified.
4502: No, the laws of physics are not made up
4503: Reality is not just a ***** i haven't slaped yet
4504: making a charater who has the ability to eat hope is frowned upon
4505: weird al is not my god
4506: no more hitting on the god's
4507: no more insulting dragons to there face
4508: its attacked me does not justify burning a city to the ground
4444. If it looks like a bunny sitting on a log, for everyone's sake leave it alone, and far behind you. Run away!!! Retreat!!! Run away!!!
Maybe the Wolf-in-Sheeps'-Clothing, which, if I recall, had 11 HD + 11 HP?
Anyway . . .
4510. Just because I read it in realistic book doesn't mean I can do it - those characters had plot protection.
4511. Any ideas originating from books my DM has read are off-limits.
4512. No, I cannot be a Herald who's been demension-hopping.
4513. I cannot have any of the following names in my character's name: Vanyel, Skan, Amberdrake, Urtho, or Ma'ar.
4515:I must not grope the bar owners daughter
4516:I must not grope the bar owner
4517: I can no longer sell my party to a drow society in order to sleep with the matron mother, who would sacrifice me to lolth anyway.
4519) Even if I'm Chaotic Good.
4520) Especially if I'm chaotic good.
4522: I should always wear atleast one layer of clothing at all times, scarred the DM for life :P
4523: I cannot fake sleepwalking just to accidently walk into the elf's chambers justto realize that I dont know any elves.
4524: I cannot make Red Shirts for the rest of the party, no matter how many ranks in Craft: Sewing I have.
:heehee
:heehee4526) Even if he's a gnome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-gfo0NJkh3A Precendent here.
for reference)4529) My character is not allowed to be an Animated spoon
4530) Using a band of 20 kobolds to wipe out a full party of level 17 characters is not fair
4531) Tic-Tacs are not appropriate weapons for use against Gorgons, Dragons, or anything else with a Breath Weapon attack
4532) Never brushing your teeth does not give your character a breath weapon
4533) I am not allowed to Curse the king with explosive flatulence
4534) I am not to refer to the DM's campaign as "The Adventures of Captain Generic in the Land of Blatant Cliches"
4535) If my actions take more than 15 minutes to explain, or require graduate-level physics, my character's head will explode
4546) The party fighter is not to wake up next to a half-orc after the drinking contest.
4547) Nearly killing the party with an undead ent is discouraged.
4548) As is killing the entire party with a Mountain Troll at 6th level.
I get the worst rolls-and my DM has made me the Favored of my god to make up for it. I've had my ass saved three times.
4550. Not allowed to have a pet griffin named Merv or Peter.
4551. A poster of Chuck Norris is NOT Considered a Holy Symbol.
4552. Kender and d20 Modern do not Mix, Espeacilly if said Kender wants to learn to be a pilot.
4528) The What's New Dragon is NOT a random encounter (
What's New with Phil and Dixie...THAT was a dragon
(And NEVER flood the comic!)
4554) I can not build a weapon that rapid-fires gnomes
4555) My Bastard Sword is not shaped like a giant key
4556) If I create another character from an anime, I will be shot
4557) My fighter knows more lines than "I like swords" and "swordchucks yo"
4558) My Red Mage cannot re-arrange his stats while the DM isn't looking
4559) 4558 also implies that he cannot re-arrange them while the DM IS looking
4560) My Half-Orc Barbarian/Frenzied Berserker cannot ride a War Llama
4561) I don't care where you got them, the 350 Elite Penguins are getting eaten by a tarrasque
4562) My computer technician does not speak 1337
4563) I cannot multiclass pirate and ninja, proceed to beat myself up, and declare the argument solved
4564) I am not allowed to attempt to re-create "Schrödinger's cat" using the party's rogue
What's New with Phil and Dixie...THAT was a dragon
(And NEVER flood the comic!)
Very good job
4566: I am not aloud to create a theater named wheel of torture.
4560) My Half-Orc Barbarian/Frenzied Berserker cannot ride a War Llama
Two things . . . 1) Is there a story behind this one, or is it just something you or someone you know tried? And 2) Who's going to argue if the guy wants a War Llama?
Two things . . . 1) Is there a story behind this one, or is it just something you or someone you know tried? And 2) Who's going to argue if the guy wants a War Llama?
There is no real story behind it, it was simply the tank in the party finding it ironic that his incarnation of all that is strong, muscle-bound, and prone to fits of uncontrollable violence would ride a llama. The DM declared that there were no llamas in the campaign and force the guy to buy a horse like everyone else. Unfortunately, there is a story after it as the same player who controlled the barbarian also plays a high level wizard. He decided that his wizard would create the elusive war llama through high magic and mystic crossbreading. The end result was something that looked like a rather large chihuahua with a thin back that broke if something tried to sit on it.
4569: under no circumstances should 4 lvl 120 characters encounter a problem, especailly if three are epic wizards and one granted himself divine spells
4570: it SHOULD not be possible to have an undead construct fire elemental blue dragon wizard (of doom?)
4571: nor should it be possible for a character to have a +200(ish) item that can do anything
4572: i should stop making wizards....
4573: its not my fault if i make Guts from Breserk my character before ever reading the manga (not my fault i like big swords)
4574: in realation to 4572 i should stop screwing with other epic characters by making their dimension hopping spels go to different places so that they can never get home
4575: also in relation to 4572 i should not make a plane and put a tipped over decanter of endless water on it (anyone want to tell me what MIGHT happen?)
4576: characters should NOT use this forum as a guideline.....i hate my party
I too hate my players (They aren't even a party for god's sake)
4578. In a low-magic campaign, we take out our masterwork +3 weapons, and charge the troll. (Still hate 'em, they all died)
4579. Instead of common ways of execution (Gallows, the cleaver, etc.) I draw and quarter everybody. (I have a reason to despise them)
4582) Nor is his wardog Murdermutt.
4583) When we are attacked, the half-orb barbarian is to fight, not to climb a tree like a wussy. (My half-sister's char.)
4584) If the party runs, so does Murderface.
4585) There's a reason the DM keeps forgetting to make the Ioun Mace I made for the fighter attack.
4587: No matter how many times you ask the DM, he will not allow the newly made iBard to be your cohort if you have Leadership.
4588: No longer allowed to bring my iPod's portable speakers with me to find better mood setting music than what the DM has.
4589: (to my DM) Can no longer make the "Peter Griffen Vs. Chicken" level as an encounter that leads a one on one fight from a bridge, falling onto a moving train, climbing a random rope ladder, climbing rope to up to start flying a bi-plane, crashing into a sky scrapper, landing in a city street, and finishing the fight in the food court of a mall...
4590: A scientist can not learn binary as a secret language, even though the druid can learn druidic. (He picked up Klingon instead, just FYI)
4591: It doesn't matter if you're playing yourself in the modern campaign setting or not, your character cannot have a Monster Manuel on him so he can look up what you are fighting for tips.
4592: Nor can he have Knowledge (Dungeson and Dragons) as a skill.
4593: If you want a spellbook in the modern setting, you cannot just buy a Player's Handbook you have and claim to have all spells already scribed in it.
4594: No longer allowed to randomly buy a large amount of D4s to use as improvised caltrops.
4595: Cannot have my half-orc sneak attack while screaming "SNEAK ATTACK!!!"
4596: The Necromancer may no longer strap an instrument to his Skelleton thrall and call him Jack Skellington.
4597: If you are going to cast Bone Burst on your skelletons to make them undead suicide bombers, you cannot give them names. No emotional attachments.
4598: Blaring AC/DCs "Highway to Hell" on your iPod when someone attempts a Planeshift is not appropriate as it may jinx them.
4599: A full "Necklace of Fireballs V" and a well aimed Scorching Ray may no longer be used as a makeshift Nuke. (Look it up...it works. Only once though, since the DM will forever hate you when you use it.)
4601. A Deck of Many Things cannot be burned in order to avoid drawing anymore cards.
4602. I may not screw around with the DM's map while he went to get water.
4603. I may not say "I thought you were talking about the undead Shadows" when you use your Turn undead ability in a dark room.
4605) Said shoe may not use a d12 damage die (mom suggested.)
4608: No using Distracting Ember to summon a fire elemental in the dire penguin enclosure, even if it only lasts 1 round.
4609: In a PvP campaign, I am not allowed to kill the other party in their first adventure.
4610: Not even if it's their fault for summoning a temporary bridge over a shield-guardian filled chasm and letting me put tanglefoot bags on it.
I didn't do the last two, but I could have if the DM wasn't my friend.
4606: Above shoe may not affect target as a Stinking Cloud spell.
Congrats, you have just given my Felinian Sorcerer his next project.
"Argul, I thought you were insane when you started parading about with that jar of dirt. I thought you were mad when you made the ioun mace. But this is ridiculous."
"But Gabriellll...It'll be gooood!"
"I don't care! I'm not wielding a Two-Handed Shoe of Stinking Cloud!"
(Gabriel is our party's fighter/damage sponge.)
4612: And no, the dog is NOT my mentor if I am a level 1 cleric.
Congrats, you have just given my Felinian Sorcerer his next project.
"Argul, I thought you were insane when you started parading about with that jar of dirt. I thought you were mad when you made the ioun mace. But this is ridiculous."
"But Gabriellll...It'll be gooood!"
"I don't care! I'm not wielding a Two-Handed Shoe of Stinking Cloud!"
(Gabriel is our party's fighter/damage sponge.)
May I sig this?
May I sig this?
Feel free. Sweet, I gotta ego pad.
4615:Alchemist's Fire is not a cooking ingredient.
4d16:Neither is the Druids Bogun... even if it does have carrots in it.
4617:There is no language 'L33t' 'Leet' or 'Le3t' so stop trying!
4618:Yes the gnome is perfect size to sit on, no you can't sit on him.
4619:No you can't be a gnome Barbarian.
4620:No to whatever you where just thinking.
4621:You may not use 'Search' to find the red light district.
RIP:Zzt'Dri.
(Did this once, when it was rumored that death came from above in that dungeon. Impaled a Lurker Above on the spike. Re-envenomed it, then put my head down and charged the next nasty critter. A dwarf in full charge with boots of speed is bad...this one was worse...)
4624. As an orc with an intelligence of THREE, you may not call common animals stupid.
4625. DM: You tell the joke to the audience. No one laughs.
PC: Hmm.... I CAST TASHA'S HIDEOUS LAUGHTER, MASS!!!
4625. If someone rolls more natural 1s than any other number he should be compensated in some way.... (same guy as above btw)
4629: there's no such thing as a karaoke-based prestige class.
4630: use of Enthrall with "The Song That Never Ends," "It's A Small World," or anything Barney-related is forbidden.
4637: Not allowed make any jokes about how superlube grenades were originally developed for use in prisons.
4638: The Kender is no longer allowed to take flying lessons.
4639: Kender are no londer allowed in d20 Modern.
4640: There is no such thing as a rat-flail.
4641: Perform (armpit) and Perform (flatulence) are only acceptable skills in Red Dwarf RPG and Teenagers From Outer Space. They have no place in d20 Modern.
4642: Not allowed to use Perform (stand-up) to tell a classroom full of 7th graders "The Aristocrats" joke.
4643: My character cannot fart the Italian National Anthem.
4643: My Techno Mage may not name any of his Homonculi after any character, place, or thing from Fullmetal Alchemist.
4644: Not allowed to sing or make references to the Frank Zappa Song "Suicide Chump" after an NPC rolls a 1 on a roll to blow their own brains out.
4645: Not allowed to roll up any PC based on any of the Characters from Trailer Park Boys.
4646: There is no Trailer Park Supervisor Advanced Class.
4648: I am not to play the Bill Nye theme when creating demented abberations.
4649: My battlecry is not "Intertia is a property of matter!!"
4650: Nor is it "Science rules."
4651: For that matter, any reference to early 90's science shows will get me eaten by a Tarrasque. If I cut my way out, it eats me again.
4565: Squirrels are not deadly weapons.
4565: Squirrels are not deadly weapons.
What a shame.
(Half-Celestial Helix Warrior with a Girdle of Giant Strength...)
4568: Polka bards who play the Accordion can only be Chaotic Evil. I am no longer allowed to "fight evil with the power of humppa."
4569: I am not allowed to use any of the spells listed in the book Encyclopaedia Arcane: Nymphology - Blue Magic.
4570: Characters based on Alex Louis Armstrong from Fullmetal Alchemist will be fed to a tarrasque at the start of the first adventure.
4569 : Espicaly when we have underage kids in the group
4570 : Kobolds cannot lick the own eyebrows
4571 : Kobolds are not hung like Kobold-Horses
4572 : If my backstory uses the word Kinky more then 5 times, its not going to be read aloud
4573 : If my backstory involves surviving a necular blast head on, its being burned
4574 : My Backstory is not my bible
4575 : I do NOT Have weapon porficency ( Giant rock of Salt)
4576 : My kobold barbarian, no matter what his int is, knows more then the word Pen*s is every language.
4577 : My Kobold is not allowed to have an epic battle agenst his dinner
4578 : If i ever play necromancer again, i am not allowed to animate other peoples dinners to attack them
4579 : The words handjob, demi lich, and run like **** are not tobe said in the same sentince , EVER AGAIN
4580 : My kobold does not suddenly stop his rage to pick flowers, and then immeditly go back into rage.
4581 : My kobold is not named The Kobold.
4582 : Or Collateral damage man
4583 : Or Milkskakes
4584 : Or pickles
4585 : Jesus is not an acceptable name for a CE mind flayer
4586 : I am not allowed to call the townsfolk we are escorting intothe mountains " emergency rations"
4587 : Fighting a army of kobolds is not fun for the whole family
4588 : I am not alowed to brag to orphans that i had parents.
4589 : The Angry Infomative Reincarnating MIdget is not a random encounter. ( He is used by our DM to tell us stuff we should have known, like TRY OPENING THE DAMM DOOR, DOUSHE, Then he falls into a runnign woodchiper, witch paradoxes itself out of time.
4628 is an obvious ref to LoL.
unless that's an abbreviation for the movie "Serenity" that I've not heard of, you're wrong. :P
edit: major numbering fix, two numbers got reversed between the last page and this one, and darksteel_ninja missed a few.
4683: may not use a pixie's sword as a toothpick when the pixie's still holding onto it.
4684: Cloudkill has neither "material component: can of beans" nor "somatic component: pull my finger".
4685: my bard cannot "solo" in the middle of a battle to make all those in combat stop fighting and watch. even with a natural 20.
4688: Especially if its a level 3.
4689: Not allowed to play a female character ever again.
4690: No longer allowed to fight hordes of zombies and demons with a double barreled shotgun, a chainsaw and a ridiculously oversized weapon that fires huge green plasma balls.
4691: Cannot do the same thing with demons.
4692: Cannot build goggles with three lenses and wear them while sneaking around randomly breaking peoples necks.
4693: Cannot spraypaint on killed enemies.
4694: All video game references are now banned.
4695: F-22's are out of the question.
4697) Nor can he make a pair of turntables.
4698) Remixing the cries of the fallen is right out.
4699) My bard's party is not Boards of Greyhawk, nor is it Daft Skunk or Mindless Elf Indulgence.
4700) I am never to insert present day techno references into D&D again!
4690: No longer allowed to fight hordes of zombies and demons with a double barreled shotgun, a chainsaw and a ridiculously oversized weapon that fires huge green plasma balls.
Awww. Fooey.
4702) Nor is it my "lazer."
4704 - necropolitan's arenot zombie ripoffs
4705 - jesus was not a warlock, ether
4706 - rewriting the bible as mybackstory is not a good idea
4707 - espicaly if i make jesus a rap artist
4709: There is no such thing as a polka written in Infernal.
4710: My Kobolds favorite food is not "babies"
4711: My Kobold does not follow "King Torg."
4712: There is no such thing as the "Random Table of Randomness" in D&D.
4713: If I make one more reference to Kobolds Ate My Baby!, I will be hit.
4714: My Mage is not allowed to use a Smart Fortwo with the spell Clown Car cast on it as a "swinging pad."
4715: Not allowed to stage a climactic Car Chase between a Citroen 2CV and a Trabant on the Autobahn, as the German Government is still trying to replace all the police officers that died from laughter.
4716: Not allowed to base any character on Jeremy Clarkson ever again.
4717: Especailly if the campaign is set in the United States.
4718: No dangling rubber mice in front of the Catfolk.
4719: I am not allowed to play a Wildlord based on Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop.
4721: If i do play a character that can enslave a Tarrasque I am not to enslave a Tarrasque.
4722: Nor can I rise a fallen Tarrasque as my undead servant.
4723: From now on whenever my character comes within a 120 ft radius of a Tarrasque, dead or alive, his level is temporarily drained to level 2.
4724: There is not and never will be a "rod of Tarrasque Control".
4686: I am not allowed to play any character who lives by the credo "what would Burt Gummer do?"
Aw, crappit, but its true...hes prepared for anything
4712: There is no such thing as the "Random Table of Randomness" in D&D.
want me to fix that?
want me to fix that?
Yesplz. :]
4725) I am not to play East Clubbers' Sextasy whenever the players enter a Lapinian town.
4726) No matter how appropriate it is.
4727) The drop-dead-gorgeous Lapinian ara'tapth that just solicited the fighter is NOT a transvestite.
4728) Nor is it a hermaphrodite.
4729) Under no circumstances are the PCs to be ambushed by a roving orgy.
4730) Or, for that matter, a Lapinian's pet darktentacles.
4728) Nor is it a hermaphrodite.
dont DM for skydin if youdont want every NPC tentical rapped.
4731. I am not allowed yo usecatapults to destroy creatures with less then 1 CR.
4732: I am not allowed toplay anycharater named moses
4733: Expicaly if i make him a pyrokineticest.
4734: Lucy is not a good name for a rouge who uses viberators to much ( watch adult swim more)
4736: Yugos are not the best car to use in a high-speed chase.
4737: The same goes for the Renault Le Car, the Plymouth Horizon, or Ford Tempo.
4738: I'm not allowed to create ANY character based on Steve Urkel.
4739: There is no such skill as Craft: (Cake decorating)
4740: I'm not allowed to run any campaign based on Azumanga Daioh.
4738: I'm not allowed to create ANY character based on Steve Urkel.
Why not? I can see him now . . . just like Squee, Goblin Nabob, he just keeps on coming back, no matter what you do to him!
4741. Bungee Car is no longer an accpectable diversion,escpialy if said car is our only means of transportation
eh..can't remember the other(s)..i think they involved continual flame/light....
remembered :P
4743. i may not cast continual flame on a fancy looking or even normal stick and sell it as a "wand of continual flame"
4755: Especially psychotic versions of said late public television star. (Let's put a happy little bullet right there in his chest")
4756: Kender and Explosives don't mix.
4757: I am no longer allowed to toss in elements form the anime Excel Saga in any of my campaigns.
4758: This goes double for the Puuchus.
4759: While we're on the subject, I am not to base a character off of Excel from Excel Saga ever again.
4760: While I'm permitted to base characters off of Nabeshin from Excel Saga, No, I can't have his flying Mitsubishi. Not Mine!
4761: Cannot create new diseases for contagion.
4762: Said new diseases should be saved for the enemy.
4763: Never bring a character without a name to your friends while they're finishing their stats.
4764: Teleporting to the center of the orc camp is never a good plan.
4765: switching which spells I prepared is totally OK if it's the only way to save the party.
4766: never assume that destroying the mother ship or capturing the commander will end the war.
4766: never assume that destroying the mother ship or capturing the commander will end the war.
4767: Or that punching him/it in the genitals repeatedly will help any.
4769: The same goes for the Jenova's Witnesses
4770: and Discordia
4771: and the Church of the Sub-Genius
4772: and First United Church of the Fonz
4773: I am not allowed to name my female gunslinger Rally Vincent.
4774: When participating in a car chase through a crowded shopping mall, I am nit allowed to sing or play the theme to The Blues Brothers
4775: I am not allowed to create any divine spellcaster or bard based on Jake Blues, Elwood Blues, or any of the Blues Borthers.
4776: My bard is not "on a mission from Pelor"
4777: While I am allowed to base a PC off of Electra Woman or Dyna Girl in any superhero RPG, I am not allowed to brag about the alternate uses for the "Electra-Vibe" setting on her wrist communicator thingee.
4779: uranium is not a toy.
4781: My catfolk infiltrator is not "in yr base, pwning yr n00b5."
4782: I'm not allowed to name my owl familiar O RLY.
4783: My character's Luger Parabellum does not have "How's may aim? call 1-800-STAR WARS" engraved on the barrell. (obscure?)
4786. I am no longer allowed to ask every single NPC,if they like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain.
4787. Or if they know the muffin man
4788. Or where have all the flowers gone.
4789.or if they know the way to San Jose
4790.Or if I should stay or go
4791.I am not allowed to start a planet wide civil war over the question "Is a coconut a migratory fruit"
4792.Nor "Aferican or European" swallow
4793. Or do they believe in magic, in a young girl's heart...no, not even if it is actually relevant to the story
4794.At the gaming table, the proper response to "It's getting hot in here" is NEVER "So take off all your clothes".
4486) I am not to insert obscure furry references into any campaign.
4487) Ever.
4488) Felorin is not the god of the gods in my campaign world, nor did Emerald Flame create the multiverse. Suggesting otherwise means the Tarrasque steps on me.
4489) Again.
4490) Just because Thiloq and Dragx gave me the title of "Honorary Aberration" does not mean I can start making my own language consisting entirely of dipthongs, apostrophes, and squishy noises.
4507) Nor is he Marilyn Manson.
4508) Under no circumstances am I to recreate the DRAG-U-LA with bound undead spirits and a hearse coach.
4508) There is no "knights of Ni" base class
4509) Nor is there a "Knights who say Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Ptang Zoo Boing" Prestige Class
4510) My character does NOT skip from 2 to 5 while counting
4509) There is no skill called: Weapon Proficiency (Fender Stratocaster).
4510) I am not allowed to invoke the powers of Cthulhu.
4510: May not, for the sake of all sanity, take the feat, Awesome Blow.
4512: Especailly when I know damn well that both the GM and the rest of the players are grade-A perverts.
4513: My Gnomish shadowjack's life-quest is not to "visit every adult website on the internet."
4514: Nor is his life quest to "find out a way to break the internet."
Red Versus Blue, said by Doughnut. :P
4244: "Go to Hell" is not a verbal spell component.
Planar Handbook, Nonverbal Spell. Now it is.
4516. And does not provide a +2 bonus to bluff
4517. Collecting spoons is not an acceptable subquest
4518. No longer allowed to comment on the Nymph's apparently sticky nipples (what? the picture is odd!)
4519. "No survivors" is not a good thing to shout on a rescue mission near the captives
4520. never attempt to jump over a trip wire that you can step over
one of my characters died that way (low health + nat 1 on jump = dead fighter)4521. Perform (breakdance) is only acceptable in a modern setting, no breakdancing ogres or jedi
4522. Never ever allowed to combine dread necromancer with Tomb Tainted soul (i think that's the one where you are healed by negative energy)
4523. actually to stop the madness no looking at the char ops thread at all
4511: I am no longer allowed to base any character on Chii from Chobits.
Omg I must know how the hell did you do that in D&D.:P
4524:I will not attack the DM npc who is known to be the mightiest warrior/mage in all history with any hopes of survival.
4525-Especially if I'm lv5.
4526-Next time someone offers me a job because I made a perform 35 in a wealthy city I shall check what exactly the job is and if the person offering me the job is trustworthy or not.
4527-I won't trust in anything wotc or anyone besides my DM has written when playing his campaigns.
4528-I won't find any more broken combination. If I do, my character will instantly be slain whitout save and the BBEG will have a new trick up his arsenal.
4529-Even if my plan is DM failprof, it doesn't mean the rest of the party will bother to follow it.
4531. May not cast curse of lycanthropy on unsuspecting villagers.
4532. May not experiment with curse of lycanthropy.
4534- Nor any other woodland animals
4535- ANY animal whatsoever, for whatever reason justifiable or not
4536- Yes Dire animals also count
4537- I may not torture the druid either
4538- Or any member of his race
4539- The druid is not my personal plaything
4540- I am not allowed turning the other members of the party pink by use of prestigitation
4541- Especially in public
4542- If i do attempt so again, i am not allowed to use Heighten spell to make the save DC harder
4543- I will not make the effect Permanent even if i do lose XP over this
4544- I am not allowed to turn the NPCs pink
4545- See 4541 and 4542
4546- (3.0 only) I am not allowed to trip the lvl 20 monk who is currently running in Boots of striding and springing just to see if he goes splat.(600 feet in 6 seconds???)
4547- I will not insinuate that the monk breaks the wall of sound every time he runs
4548- I will not summon the Roadrunner to see wich one wins the race MEEP-MEEP
4533, 4536 and 4540 4541 have all been done. hehehe pink hafling
4550- Said Barbershop quartet is not allowed to replace the main gladiator event of the year by a singing performance
4551- The barbershop quartet is not named The Be Sharps (cookie for reference)
4552- not allowed to schedule a game and not show up
4553- Especially if its at your place
Unfortunately these are all true
(for those who dont know, google an image, youll love it)
4555: Drinking the dragon blood does not get you drunk. Period.
4556: No taking painkillers just before playing. (Many stories from that)
4557: In Star Wars d20 I may not arrange Ewok Knife Fights
4558: Nor may I name my ship the Ewok Knife Fight
4559: No Jawa knife fights either
4560: I may not create a gay Dwarven Bard, with Perform: Striptease, Perform: Finger symbols, 16 Charisma, Skill focus in both Performs, only knowing Spice Girls songs, and who dresses like the cop from the Village People.
4561: If I ever do create said Dwarf, I can not name him Rick Poundstone.
4562: Rick Poundstone may never start a band consisting of himself and three Gnomes, and call them Rick and the squirts.
4563: Star Wars D20, I am not allowed to call the women's dorm in the ship the Pu$$y room, even if the only people using it are a former Twe'lik slave, and a Cathar.
For Jaia4532. After being told that the complex caverns the characters are to enter serve as a stronghold for a large group of bugbears, I'm not allowed to say "That system needs some decent debugging".
4534) Nor am I to say "Batter up!"
4545) Or "FORE!"
4546) Saying "Alas, poor Yorick-FORE!" is right out.
4547) The somatic component for Confusion is not "Antidisestablishmentarianism."
4548) Nor is it the somatic component for Tasha's Hideous Laughter.
4549) The somatic component for Otto's Irrestistable Dance is not "DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!"
4550. May not refer to dog-like creatures as inuyabe.
4551. May not refer to cat-like creatures as nekoyabe.
4552. May not refer to anyone as Timmy
4553. Upon death Of Timmy I may not say "Gonna need another Timmy".
4554. May not refer to anyone as oatmeal.
4455. Upon death or serious injury I may not say "look what they've done to my oatmeal".
4456. May not try to get even with a clean town (no drinking, gambling, brothels, etc...)
4456. NO obscene crop circles.
4457. No replacing scarecrows with lingerie mannequins.
4458. No signs that advertise drinking or gambling at the tavern.
4459. No signs stating that the chuch is a brothel.
4552. May not refer to anyone as Timmy
4553. Upon death Of Timmy I may not say "Gonna need another Timmy".
Yay! Dinosaurs!
4561) My battlecry is not "SPOON!"
4562) When attempting for the third time to make a construct, I may not quote Van Helsing's Dracula and say "Perhaps this time...it will live."
4563) I am not a Spark.
4564) I am not a Heterodyne, no matter how high my Int and Cha are.
4565) I may not take the Bloodline: Heterodyne feat in Ravenloft, nor, indeed, anywhere else.
4566) My Dell-based Decepticon's name is not Fatal Error.
4567) I may not have a Dell-based Decepticon.
4568) Or any Decepticon based on a major computer manufacturer.
4569) Making an evil, mindless creature named Norton that seeks to kill all constructs is right out.
4570) As is calling it McAfee.
4508) There is no "knights of Ni" base class
4509) Nor is there a "Knights who say Ekke Ekke Ekke Ptang Ptang Zoo Boing" Prestige Class
What about the Truespeaker class from Tome of Magic 3.5; I'd say that that's pretty damn close.
(almost done ocmpling htis into word,if you owuld like a copy let me know)
4571. When playing a vampire I can not yell out the window "Children of the night : Shut up!" (name that reference)
(almost done ocmpling htis into word,if you owuld like a copy let me know)
Love at First Bite. Followed shortly thereafter by the classic: "You dirty bat! You bit my mother!" "I bit your mother . . . and your grandmother."
4573. May not comment on the oil press behind the baby crate.
(almost done ocmpling htis into word,if you owuld like a copy let me know)
I copied most of the thread into a .TXT file a few months back. All I need to add are about 4 pages or so.
I copied most of the thread into a .TXT file a few months back. All I need to add are about 4 pages or so.
oh,okay...its been a bit busy around the home,my son started to walk ealier this past week...but once you get up to date,i would love a ocpy
4575: Followers of St. Cuthbert do not sing Judas Priest's Some Heads are Gonna Roll at their worship services, even in d20 Modern.
4576: I am not allowed to create golems that are "fully functional in every way."
4577: I am not allowed to create a psychotic overt lapine moreau and name him Max.
4578: Overt canine moreaus named Sam are also right out.
4579: I am not allowed to even discuss Character concepts based on having levels in both Ninja and Dread Pirate.
4509) There is no skill called: Weapon Proficiency (Fender Stratocaster).
ROFLCOPTER
...I disagree.
4576: I am not allowed to create golems that are "fully functional in every way."
Don't need to-BoEF already has 'em.
4580) I am not to make parasitical Aberrations with a blue-energy breath weapon (cookie for the ref!)
4582) I am never allowed to use my current THUL squeaky-bop warhammer in anger.
4583) Imitating the sound of my THUL warhammer is not an acceptable battlecry.
4584) I am bound by oath to never declare an attempted groin-shot with my THUL sqeaky-bop warhammer.
God, I love my squeaky-bop warhammer.
4114: Not allowed to read Manga during the session
4586.) No hentai either.
4587.) I don't care if we're playing Call of Cthulhu
4589: No, the dragon shaman cannot worship a psudeodragon(no breath weapon)
4590: No duskblades. period.
(Haven't done this one, but... now I want to.)
4593: This goes doubly so for the robot powered by Walt Disney's disembodied head.
4594: If my Dwarven gunslinger yells "this is mah BOOMSTICK!" in a scottish accent one more time, he's getting fed to a nuclear toxyderm.
4595: Even though Catfolk in the Urban Acrana setting tend to be extremely misanthropic, it does not give me an excuse to base a catfolk PC on Dr. Gregory House.
4596: I am never to base a Catfolk PC on Cat from Red Dwarf ever again.
4597: No, I can't have the codpiece gun from the movie From Dusk Till Dawn. Not Mine!
4598: I may not give the order to finish off a crippled enemy ship by saying "Push the button, Frank," even if the weapons officer in question is named Frank.
4599: My techie is not allowed to build fully functional duplicates of Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.
4600: I am not allowed to create a +5 Vorpal Wiffle Bat.
4602: I will no longer ask half-dragons if their mum's still single.
4603: I will no longer use the gnome frenzied berserker as a thrown weapon without informing him first.
4604: I will not refer to certain Chosen of Mystra as the "Seven Soul Sisters". Still, thank you, FR boards!
4605: I will not advise a female PC/NPC to dress like a Japanese schoolgirl if we are on a delegation to a Mind Flayer outpost.
- Especially if she's a drow, duergar or chitine.
4606: Any paladin character I play will no longer mock the cultists of evil and unspeakable ancient deities that they need to go out and get laid, even if it's true.
4607: In the above case, I will not contact the nearest brothel, make a group appointment at the temple and ask the DM if it counts as a good act if I pay for it with my own money.
- Generally, basing paladin characters off Chris Tucker or Superfly, or any mix of the two, is frowned upon.
4608: I will not make an anthropomorphic mouse Telepath that tries to take over the world every night.
4609: I can not take ranks in Craft (Disturbing Mental Image).
4610: I can no longer use mage hand for anything that could be interpreted as sexual harassment by an objective jury.
4611: I will no longer argue that getting drunk gives me bonus language proficiencies or bonus on diplomacy/charisma checks.
4612: I will no longer argue that if the paladin backs down from the drinking contest he is a coward and should lose his abilities.
4614: Existing theme songs are not to be introduced into the campaign unless it's "Through the Looking-Glass," wherein the Animaniacs theme song may be appropriate at times.
to whoever gets this reference.)4616: I must not claim that my fatal criticals with Unarmed Strikes "tear out the enemy's still-beating heart".
4617: I must not then eat said heart as a move action.
4618: Furthermore, if somehow such unfortunate circumstances come to pass, I must especially not argue with the DM on whether it changes my Lawful Good alignment.
4619: Especially if I am the Paladin.
4620: I will refrain from skinning my fallen enemies and collecting their horns, claws, and skeletons for later incorporation into armor.
4621: Particularily, I will not claim the right to do so with my ranks in Craft (Native American), because Craft (Native American) is not a skill.
4622: Even if I say my subtype is (Native American). Even if I say my subRACE is Native American. It just is not happening.
4623: If somehow it does, I must not wear the armor so gained during diplomatic missions to save the love interests of other PCs from the race who I made armor out of.
4624: Especially if I am the Paladin.
4625: Prestidigitation is stricken from all spell lists.
4627: Under special circumstances, reading the Book of Vile Darkness while sacrificing Lawful Good virgins may be a deed of sufficient evil to grant a character one or two uses of Prestidigitation, but this is the ONLY exception.
4628: Gnome are broken. Having proven it, again and again, at first level, in multiple campaigns, no matter the circumstances, I am not allowed to argue this fundamental truth.
4629: Sneaking into bed with the most beautiful girl in the city does not grant me a bonus on the subsequent Diplomacy check to avoid screaming and inevitable arrest. She is not impressed by how rogue I'm being.
4630: Although it might well grant me a bonus on an Intimidate check, I cannot use such a check and claim it to be an inherently good or neutral act.
4631: Especially if I am the Paladin.
4631: My female Dragon Shaman can not gain bonus points on her Leadership score with the Dragon Cohort feat for having a reputation as "racially unprejudiced".
4632: In fact, if she has such a reputation, she is forbidden from taking the feat at all.
4633: Or ever meeting a dragon.
4634: Energy Resistance does not make the intimate application of Breath Weapons possible.
4635: There is no such thing as an intimate application of a Breath Weapon.
4636: Preparation time before an imminent invasion may not be spent looting.
4637: Time DURING an invasion may not be spent looting.
4638: Important NPCs organizing resistance are not to be rewarded for attempts to conscript me with bloody interrogation as to the location of wizard abodes and magic shops in the city, followed by application of Brain Lock.
4639: There will never be a feat that makes coup-de-gracing the girl I slept with the night before a free action upon waking.
4640: This is because murdering my lovers to "keep the pimp hand at +10 Strength" is completely unacceptable.
4641: Especially if I'm sleeping with a member of the party.
4642: Especially if I am the three-score-and-thrice-damned [b]Paladin[/b].
4644: If I am ever to meet a dragon with ketchup as their favorite food I am not allowed to pretend to stab my daughters boyfriend and spray ketchup on him to look like blood and then say I acted in self defense.
For me, DMing has always been steeped in masochism.
Maybe you shouldn't be a Paladin anymore . . .
:angelhide
That's the horror of it. I wasn't the Paladin. People can argue about the problems with Paladin alignment all they want. Me, I prefer my nice, unambigous, Int 8 CE Wizards who never try to argue their way into Paladin Codes involving eating the hearts of sentient beings. I twitch when I see a post involving some variant on the words "...but I don't think that would change my alignment."
4647: Even if he does exist, he is not under any circumstances to be named Brother Fullblade of Intelligent Discussion. There is no Unitarian Jihad in DnD.
4648: I may not start the Unitarian Jihad in DnD.
4648: I may not start the Unitarian Jihad in DnD.
Damn! Let's start the Bringing-together-holy-struggle and pick up some steam before they wizen up!
4649: I will not bait our catfolk rogue by dangling a dried fish under his nose.
4650: I will not cast any spells on him, without his expressed permission that aim to "see if he can purr."
4651: I will not, under any circumstance excepting Divine Intervention, do so to an avatar of Sharess, or Her in person.
4653: The above rule carries a thousandfold penalty if the introduction is done in the voice of Jigsaw. The combined might of the gods will not save you if you add another pause, and then whisper "Do you want to play a game?".
4654: In fact, any use of Jigsaw's voice is altogether banned. Especially his signature quote. Especially as part of the following phrase: "Hello, Clarice. I want to play a game. On one paw, I am levitating a ball of yarn. On the other paw, it's the end of your life! SHADOW GARROTE!"
4655: ESPECIALLY when it's said to the Paladin, who was asleep in his chambers at the time.
4656: [i]Especially if it's a male DMPC Paladin with Weapon Focus: Train and the Train Conductor Tactical Feat.[/i]
4657: The DM did not take Greater Weapon Focus: Train at 6th level.
4658: Even if he did, he is not "a lowly *****" for "riding the suck" past "the only two levels with meaning in life".
4659: Any, any and all combination of Jigsaw's voice with Lolcat quotes is expressly punishable with Evard's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion. It doesn't matter if you're a cat, it doesn't matter if you feel a deep, damaged voice is in your character, it doesn't matter if 'it adds atmosphere', you may not ever do it.
4660: In particular, the phrases "I'm the rules of your game, making them very clear.", "I'm in your square, critting your casters.", "I can has a level now?", "You are might be in the room you dies in.", "I'm in your save or die, making your choice.", "You has a game over.", "Don't worry, Clarice. You're sound asleep, you can't feel a thing." are all non-negotiable ways to lose your character from this point onwards.
4661: "Death is a surprise party. You can has invitation." will never be an acceptable battlecry for reasons stated expressly above. It most certainly may not be an exception.
4662: Even if you offer to sacrifice a feat for it.
4663: Even if you offer to sacrifice other members of the party for it.
Oh man, that was a good session.
The Z-Bomb is a zombie carrying a slow match and a 5 pound cask of black powder. Basically, self-propelled land mines.
4664. The Z-Bomb is hereby outlawed.
The Z-Bomb is a zombie carrying a slow match and a 5 pound cask of black powder. Basically, self-propelled land mines.
Well, now that seems unfair! There's nothing wrong with Z-bombs, they're a perfectly acceptable addition to any army, or a perfectly acceptable army in and of themselves.
4666: There are no advanced or prestige class based on the U.S. Postal Service, Royal Mail, or any other postal system.
4667: PCs based on Cliff Clavin are right out!
4669: When the DM crafts a quick something-attacks-the-town scenario to keep us busy, I am not to lead the party in aiding the destruction of the town until the situation is desperate enough the mayor accepts our offer of aid in exchange for the enslavement of everyone still alive.
4670: I am not then to take the prettiest girl in the town into my (stolen) house, and attempt to sleep with her.
4671: If she rebukes such an attempt, I already understand that it's because I'm an albino half-drow who has enslaved her and all the other townsfolk after helping slaughter many who she held dear. I may not ask her why.
4672: If I do ask, and she tells me, I should let the issue pass without comment, instead of suggesting that she can either sleep with me or in the basement.
4673: If she opts for the basement, I should not tell her that there's a spider the size of a human being in the basement.
4674: I should not have a spider the size of a human being in the basement.
4675: I should not have a spider the size of a human being at all.
4676: Assuming that the previously mentioned girl has been terrified into submission, and requests instead to sleep with me away from the basement, I should not say 'As if'.
4677: I should not then throw her in the basement.
4678: Especially if she was actually a PC whose intr0:oduction I had rudely interrupted via slaughter.
4679: Especially if she was the DM's girlfriend.
4680: 'Having as many dinosaurs as possible' is not an acceptable long-term goal for a druid.
4681: Greatclub is not an acceptable weapon choice for a rogue.
4682: Characters based around the idea of 'spider lancing' are no longer allowed.
4683: The party will not pool its gold in an effort to begin a Centaur Clinic.
4684: Advertisements for said clinic will not include such lines as "Are you a centaur and don't know what to do about it? We can help." or "If you or someone you know is a centaur, try the Centaur Clinic: real solutions for tauric problems."
4685: We will not use 'membership testimony' such as a badly edited picture of a half-orc on horseback that reads "I woke up one day and realized I'd been a centaur for 23 years. I thought no one could help me. Then I heard about the Centaur Clinic, and now I lead a normal lifestyle just like anyone else."
4686: There is nothing inherently wrong with centaurs. Tauric problems are not real problems.
4687: Saying tauric problems are not real problems is not racist, it's true.
4688: Even assuming a centaur-based clinic was erected by the party, it will most certainly not be a covert centaur-smuggling operation used to capture centaurs and sell them as mounts to small island nations.
4689: Players will inform the DM of their alignment and character concept. They should not use cleverly worded but empty responses to surprise the DM halfway into the first session with the information that his campaign is based around the adventures of a greatclub fey anti-human rogue, a dinosaur druid, an albino half-drow spiderback cavalier, and a flavor-edited "minotaur" barbarian with maxed ranks in Craft: Stonemasonry and Knowledge: Architecture and Engineering, who is going to spend all his gold on "the biggest maze ever".
4689: Such a gathering may not all be chaotic evil.
4690: From now on, the DM will hand us our character concepts and classes.
4691: Actually, someone else will, because he won't be the DM.
4692: We are not allowed to break the DM.
4693: There is such a thing as "too much chaotic evil".
4695: This goes double if the demons in question actually are cambions.
4696. I am no longer allowed to base my characters off of anything seen on adut swim
Who'd you try this with? I can think of a few that would make pretty good characters . . .
4698: When playing an African-American PC in a Western setting, I am not allowed to make any references to Blazing Saddles.
4699: I am not allowed to create a PC based on any of the mercs from the Jagged Alliance games.
4700: This goes double for the more annoying mercs such as the Japanese Cowboy dude whose name escapes me at the present.
4700: This goes double for the more annoying mercs such as the Japanese Cowboy dude whose name escapes me at the present.
You don't mean Spike from Cowboy Bebop, do you? I can actually see him as a good model for a PC/NPC.
You don't mean Spike from Cowboy Bebop, do you? I can actually see him as a good model for a PC/NPC.
No, this was from an expansion pack to the strategy game Jagged Alliance 2.
The guy's name was Tex and he was an ex merc-turned Japanese Western movie star who ends up joining your party. His dialouge gets kind of annoying after a while.
4701: No more characters based on Minsc from Baldur's Gate.
Bender+Peter+fry= me slapped in face by GM
here's my own idea.
4702) I cannot create an "impaired" illithid with a fondness for monster trucks and Exotic Firearms Proficiency: Shotgun.
4703) Creating a family of them is right out!
here's my own idea.
4702) I cannot create an "impaired" illithid with a fondness for monster trucks and Exotic Firearms Proficiency: Shotgun.
4703) Creating a family of them is right out!
I would imagine said illithid would also not be allowed to own a "truck-boat-truck", carry a waterskin of "party liquor" or wear his donkey ***** hat.
4704) I am not allowed to play a MWWG renegade nun instead of a standard D&D cleric.
4705) Apparently, they're not "exactly the same, except for the fluff".
4726) None of female my characters may ever again ask "Is that a tentacle in your pocket or are you happy to see me?".
4735: My ninja's sworn enemy is not Professor Chaos.
4736: There is no ninja based prestige class that allows me to turn people into chickens.
you're required to have the exploitation, you can't take the class without it, if you play it at all you will realize what you're doing and WIN, therefore no, never, ever ever, just no.
4739) I am not allowed to steal Belkar's idea and craft a Wand of Dispel Clothes.
4740) I am no longer allowed to use Knock to make the BBEG's belt buckle come undone and drop his strides around his ankles, then spend the next five rounds heckling him on being smaller than a peanut. Unless I'm a Rogue with maximum ranks in Perform (Comedy) and UMD. And Female PC to boot.
4741) There is no such thing as Gnomail ((
if you can tell me where that came from)) and as such my Gnome PCs cannot send mail out in the middle of a dungeon that's filled with high CR nastiness.4743) This goes doubly for "SHOOP DA WOOP".
4744) And triply for casting Vengeful Gaze of God.
4745) No, I cannot has cheezburger.
4747) All Bards are prohibited from using a Wand of Animate Dead on a Colossal Dire Boar just so they can have 'Thirty Odd Foot Of Grunt' tattooed onto it's flanks. They may also not throw Magical Communication Devices at the help's head(s). ((this actually came up....I was the DM and I was so busy laughing that I couldn't rule that, no, he couldn't use the wand on something that big.))
4759. There is no longer a magic item known as the Staff of Prodding and Poking (Mage hand + Open/Close)
4760. There is no magic item known as the Staff of Groping and Slapping (Mage Hand + Bigby's Slapping Hand)
4761. There is probably no valid reason to summoun a fiendish octopus.
4762. I will let the DM describe the effects of my Evard's Black Tenticles spells.
4764) Using Sanctify the Wicked on the hawt Eyrines you just summoned and bound is just mean. Just because she's now good doesn't mean she won't use those eyebeams on you if your Mage Hand goes where it's not wanted.
4766: my bard cannot have an electric mandolin.
4767: trying to get invading armies to use the above song(s) as a marching cadence will not result in said armies dropping like flies from exhaustion.
4768: there's no such thing as a Dire Mushroom.
4770: It is not 106 miles to Chicago, we do not have a full tank of gas and half a pack of cigarettes.
4771: Especially if we are playing D&D.
4772: My d20 Modern artificer is not allowed to create an "easy button."
4773: When playing a science fiction game, the first one to do any Scotty impersonation gets a panel blown up in thier face. (Actually was threatened with this)
4774: I am not allowed to christen our new starship The Space Hoopty. (
for anyone who gets this reference)4776: Girls are not "chixx0rs".
4777: This goes double for succubi.
4778: Cleric/Walker in the Waste/Soul-Eater is now a forbidden class chain.
4779: Especially for anyone who regularily visits brothels.
4780: Or works in them.
4781: The murder of brothel patrons by negative energy intercourse is not a "flawless victory", nor does the final round of drain involve a grapple check followed by a "fatality".
4782: The murder of brothel patrons by negative energy intercourse is not worth "mad xpies".
4783: It is a curious but now retroactively immutable feature of the Material Plane that any act which could fall under the heading of "negative energy intercourse" is completely impossible to even contemplate.
4784: After careful consideration of all discussion being undertaken by players during our last session, our wise DM has applies the above rule to apply to any act or concept that could fall under the heading of "reproduction". There are a growing number of children nonetheless, but it's impossible to think about that either.
4787) I cannot name any more holy women "Sister Mary Stigmata" or "Sister Mary Elephant", especially if they're Renegade Nuns.
4788) My female pilot's mecha does not get 2 extra chest slots... no matter how well endowed she is.
4774: I am not allowed to christen our new starship The Space Hoopty. (
Hooptie is slang for a car if I remember correctly...lemme guess, Soul Plane?
4791) As above, but with Thri-Keen Ninjas and the Leap Attack Feat.
4807) Nor is it for Dire.
4808) Nor anything that rhymes with Aiur.
4809) The somatic component for Fireball is not Nuclear Launch Detected.
4810) I may not play anything that would allow me to say "FOR THE SWARM!"
4811) Especially if I'm a Worm that Walks.
4813) I am not a Firebat.
4814) The somatic component for Burning Hands is not "Is something burning?"
4815) No StarCraft in D&D ever again!
4817. Using said machine gun as a distance weapon does NOT mean picking it up and throwing it.
4818: When playing Urban Arcana, I am never allowed to make the Kender drink an entire 4 pack of Red Bull in one sitting ever again.
4818a. Quicklings must not even be thought of at the same time as Mountain Dew or Red Bull!
4820. In Paranoia, may not introduce Orange Bull, Yellow Bull, etc, on up to Ultraviolet Bull. I may, however, execute infrared citizens for posessing Red Bull.
(If you aren't familiar with Paranoia, then you can not be happy. If you are not happy, you may be used as reactor shielding. Trust the computer...)
4822: In straight modern settings, street gangs do not recruit new members based on their skills with a quarterstaff.
4823: Touch of Idiocy is a privilege, not a right.
4824: It doesn't matter if my Urban Arcana acolyte is Irish Catholic, he does not have to recite the prayer from The Boondock Saints every time he tries to turn undead.
4825: When my Field Scientist uses the scientific improvisation ability, I am not to hum the theme song to MacGyver.
4826: My character did not just save 15% by switching to Geico.
4827: The Catfolk's native language does not sound like AOL kiddie speak.
4823: Touch of Idiocy is a privilege, not a right.
4824: It doesn't matter if my Urban Arcana acolyte is Irish Catholic, he does not have to recite the prayer from The Boondock Saints every time he tries to turn undead.
4825: When my Field Scientist uses the scientific improvisation ability, I am not to hum the theme song to MacGyver.
4826: My character did not just save 15% by switching to Geico.
I think I'm going to have to borrow these ... :D
Without further ado (in no particular order):
4828. I may not push someone down the infinite staircase
4829. nor may I "just take the elevator" instead of walking up said staircase
4830. nor may I slide down the banister of walking down said staircase
4831. my character can never enter the infinite staircase again
4832. I can not use decanters of endless water to try and put out the elemental plane of fire
4833. nor will the above process create steam elementals if used on a fire elemental
4834. My Warforged is not Ironman, I can't play the song every time he scores a critical hit
4835. I may never play a Warforged Warmage named "War", especially if he takes even one level of Warlock
4836. I may not hire an artificer to make my Warforged "anatomically correct"
4837. No, a hippy Warforged is not a "peaceforged".
4838. I can not take the brain out of a Warforged and place it in a colossal mecha
4839. this goes double if I call it Ultraman
4840. "I don't care how many ranks in Craft you have, you can't give the
Warforged a minigun for an arm"
4841. nor a shoulder mounted rocket launcher
4842. I may not "part out" a Warforged on eBay
4843. In fact, I'm not able to come within a mile of a Warforged again
4844. Warforged no longer exist
4845. Time stop can no longer be used in non-emergency situations (long story; it involved Gorilla Glue, peanut butter, and an angry squirrel)
4845. Time stop can no longer be used in non-emergency situations (long story; it involved Gorilla Glue, peanut butter, and an angry squirrel)
I would seriously like to know what goes on at your play sessions - this one in particular.
4848: My droid cannot tune into local planetary radio transmissions with his left nipple nut.
4849: The idea of serving ketchup with lobster will not make my protocol droids head explode.
for whoever gets these references.4847: My protocol droid does not have groinal socket attachments.
4848: My droid cannot tune into local planetary radio transmissions with his left nipple nut.
4849: The idea of serving ketchup with lobster will not make my protocol droids head explode.
Redwarf Krytan! hehehehe
4851: I will also not try and ram said door before the rouge in the party can check the door for traps.
4852: After setting myself on fire from said trapped door I will not keep running into the door until the trap resets itself and once more catches myself on fire.
4843: From this point on I will check doors to make sure they are locked before I try ramming and thus avoid the Rouge point and laughing at me.
These actually happened in a game I was in. I was the Rouge and I pointed and laughed alot.
I would seriously like to know what goes on at your play sessions - this one in particular.
No, you don't; but I'll tell you anyway.
The people I play with don't have enough patience to play "real" D&D, it mostly degenerates into ridiculous pranks (usually at a fellow PC's expense) and repeated shouting of the phrase "I kill it". I actually can play, but most of the time just find it easier to play along.
What happened was this (it's a slight bending of the spell, but oh well). There was one rather annoying noble, and we all decided to pull a prank on him at a banquet. It went like this:
1. Cast time stop (I got lucky on the roll)
2. Cast "Summon Monster" to make a squirrel
3. Run over to the noble
4. Coat the squirrel's feet in Sovereign Glue (Forever known to our group as Gorilla Glue); another substance I can never again posses.
5. Cover the noble's face in peanut butter
6. Attach Squirrel
7. Run back to seat
8. Smile and act innocent
Needless to say, the session stopped there.
4845: I may not infect a flock of sheep with rabies "out of boredom."
4846: I may not infect more than 100 squirrels with rabies for any reason at all.
4847: I may never again play a berserker character. Neither will I purposely infect any of my characters with lycanthropy of any sort ever again. That goes double for any character small enough to fit in a backpack.
4848: I will refrain from making any characters based after Link from Legend of Zelda PERIOD. ESPECIALLY if said character is a bard.
4849: I will not name any items my character possesses after Legend of Zelda items.
4850: If it involves killing every enemy in the dungeon before I even enter said dungeon, it is forbidden.
4851: If my melee character is killing more enemies than all three party spellcasters put together at level 15, he/she will be eaten by a Tarrasque.
4852: Just because my character can make the saving rolls to escape such a situation does not mean he/she will survive.
4853: I may not make another character based off Fierce Deity Link ever again.
4854: I may not carry an undead army in a bag of holding ever again. Especially if said army numbers over 1,000.
4855: I may not stitch together body parts from mutiple corpses and cast animate dead on it just to take advantage of the grapple and attack of opportunity rules.
4856: That's not even possible in the rules, anyways.
4857: If it involves zombifying a PC in any way, it's not allowed. Unless said PC is the rogue.
4858: I may never again create a character who is more evil than the BBEG.
4859: I will not create a character who can successfully intimidate the BBEG into killing himself.
4860: If he/she can solo the campaign, he/she will find him/herself soloing Azmodeus's basement at level 1.
4861: If my character kills any demon lord, that does not immediately give him/her acess to said demon lord's personal harem.
4862: I may never again make a character with a high enough sleight-of-hand rank to steal his own pants without realizing it.
4863: Speaking of which, I may not play any character based off something I found on the internet.
4864: If my character can steal the entire royal guard's pants without them knowing while they are all in the same room in under a minute, he/she will be immediately killed by falling rocks.
4865: Attempting a disbelieve check against a fairy does not count as a "death spell."
4866: I may not use Mage hand for any lewd purposes.
4867: I may not use a torch and a decanter of endless oil set to 'geyser' in the same action ever again. Especially if it involves the BBEG and a successful AoO.
4868: If its legality depends solely on a technicality, it's not allowed.
4869: I may not start an AD&D character with a strength of 19.
4870: I am not allowed to use an Alchemists's Kit ever again.
4871: I am not allowed to have ANY ranks in alchemy ever again.
4872: My characters may not have spikes anywhere on their person.
4873: My character may not have access to poison of any kind.
4874: If the end result of my actions causes the immediate area to be uninhabitable to any living thing for the next 1,000 years, it is forbidden.
4875: I may not wish for an item whose price exceeds 7 digits in gold pieces.
4876: My character may not have ranks in 'use rope.'
4877: I am restricted to one prestidigitation spell per gaming session.
4878: I am not allowed to cast suggest on the party's palidan to make him lose his status as palidan.
4879: If it has anything to do with gnomes and catapults, it's not allowed.
4880: No matter how high my characters intelligence score is, he/she cannot suddenly come up with the idea to fire a metallic projectile through a tube using a small explosion.
4881: My character may not have enough +so-and-so to strength items to allow him to deadlift over 1,000,000 pounds ever again whether or not the rules allow it.
4882: If my character can successfully grapple a colossal red dragon and throw it out the 10th story tower window for any reason whatsoever, he/she will immediately contract a flesh-eating disease from a hitherto unnoticed scratch.
4883: If I ever have enough ranks in use magic item, alchemy, sleight of hand, bluff, use rope and diplomacy to outperform the party's wizard again without having a single spell level, my character will be eaten by the Tarrasque, regardless of saving throws. ESPECIALLY if said character is a gnome.
I like your gaming group ... :D
As do I...
4885. If said head crab turns an NPC into a zombie,i do not get to control said zombie.
4886 b) Especially against the BBEG standing at the edge of a pit of roiling magma, or any other nominally fatal falling distance/trap/etc.
4887) I may no longer make Half-Ogres and equip them with feats and weaponry so they act like Warhammer Ogres in that they smash through ranks of enemies, buildings and the occasional Dragon with a 'Gut Barge'.
Any of the works of Sir Cliff Richard.
Any of the works of William Hung.
The un-MSTed version of "Manos" the Hands of Fate.
The 1967 version of Casino Royale.
Episodes of Space: 1999
The movie Glitter
Endless loops of the Numa Numa song
Emo or Goth Poetry
Endless loops of Elmo's World segments from Sesame Street
Locking someone in the same room with the Kender
4889: Not allowed to play a character based on any member of the Finnish Metal group Lordi.
4890 No characters based on Oddball from Kelly's Hereoes.
4893) No BBEG is allowed to have children of their own. Ever.
4894) There is not a "secret area" in every dungeon where the monsters live when not fighting.
4895) Hadoken is not a spell, somatic, or verbal component.
4896) If it is usually a slashing or piercing weapon, I cannot add the suffix -chucks to the end of the word or weapon.
4897) The goblins had better have a damned good reason for not using the +1 weapons in their treasure hoard, not just "it's the way we've always done it."
4898) The gods do not like minotaur beefcake.
4899) I am not a Heterodyne.
4900) And Nerull is not a green rabbit named Jack!
Comics refs. Guess 'em.
4894) There is not a "secret area" in every dungeon where the monsters live when not fighting.
4895) Hadoken is not a spell, somatic, or verbal component.
4896) If it is usually a slashing or piercing weapon, I cannot add the suffix -chucks to the end of the word or weapon.
4897) The goblins had better have a damned good reason for not using the +1 weapons in their treasure hoard, not just "it's the way we've always done it."
4898) The gods do not like minotaur beefcake.
4899) I am not a Heterodyne.
4900) And Nerull is not a green rabbit named Jack!
I'm not going to guess all of them, because that ruins the fun for everyone else, but 4898 is Dungeons and Denizens!
Comics refs. Guess 'em.
4894) There is not a "secret area" in every dungeon where the monsters live when not fighting.
4895) Hadoken is not a spell, somatic, or verbal component.
4896) If it is usually a slashing or piercing weapon, I cannot add the suffix -chucks to the end of the word or weapon.
4897) The goblins had better have a damned good reason for not using the +1 weapons in their treasure hoard, not just "it's the way we've always done it."
4898) The gods do not like minotaur beefcake.
4899) I am not a Heterodyne.
4900) And Nerull is not a green rabbit named Jack!
I'm not as nice ... I'm going to guess all the ones I might have a chance at ...
4894: The Secret Area of Balamb Garden's Training Area from Final Fantasy VIII?
4895: Sounds like 8-Bit Theatre ...
4896: Again.
4897: Order of the Stick?
I know I've heard/read the joke in 4900 before, just don't know where it was ... probably an April edition of Dragon or something.
Comics refs. Guess 'em.
4894) There is not a "secret area" in every dungeon where the monsters live when not fighting.
4895) Hadoken is not a spell, somatic, or verbal component.
4896) If it is usually a slashing or piercing weapon, I cannot add the suffix -chucks to the end of the word or weapon.
4897) The goblins had better have a damned good reason for not using the +1 weapons in their treasure hoard, not just "it's the way we've always done it."
4898) The gods do not like minotaur beefcake.
4899) I am not a Heterodyne.
4900) And Nerull is not a green rabbit named Jack!
4894 is Dungeons and Denizens
4895 and 4896 are 8-bit Theater
4897 is Goblins
4898 is Dungeons and Denizens again
4899 I have no clue, but I'll probly slap myself for it later
4900 is Jack... which is a bloody brilliant comic.
Comics refs. Guess 'em.
4894) There is not a "secret area" in every dungeon where the monsters live when not fighting.
4895) Hadoken is not a spell, somatic, or verbal component.
4896) If it is usually a slashing or piercing weapon, I cannot add the suffix -chucks to the end of the word or weapon.
4897) The goblins had better have a damned good reason for not using the +1 weapons in their treasure hoard, not just "it's the way we've always done it."
4898) The gods do not like minotaur beefcake.
4899) I am not a Heterodyne.
4900) And Nerull is not a green rabbit named Jack!
No one's gotten 4899 yet? How can you people NOT know of Girl Genius? It's the second-greatest brainchild of Phil Foglio... y'know, behind "What's New with Phil and Dixie".
http://www.girlgeniusonline.com <--READ NOW. D:<
Oh... and it's rated PG-13 for violence, minor swearing, and sporadic cheesecake. Just FYI.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4901) If I ever claim to be making a change to my character, no matter how small, for "flavor reasons", the DM has a right to make a full character audit. Any "unbalancing" changes, at the DM's discretion, may be turned down.
4902) The same applies whenever I take a prestige class the DM has not heard of, and when I create a character of any of these races: Goliath, Gnome, Lizardfolk, or any sub-species of Elf.
4903) The DM may now perform random character audits for any reason.
4904) The DM may now inflict random diseases, attribute loss, or negative levels upon a failed character audit.
4905) I will not attempt to use the punishments of a failed character audit to singlehandedly win a war, ascend to godhood, or bilk the populace of a town out of their gold and beer.
4906) A failed character audit now means instant character death.
4907) A failed character audit now means instant player death.
How can you people NOT know of Girl Genius?
Know of it, heard about it, never read past page 5. Still got the link favorited so that I can go and read it sometime. Knowing the word, but not what it meant, I didn't have enough information to make a guess about the joke.
I'm actually suprised somebody knew of Jack but not Girl Genius. Jack's a very...obscure comic, and Girl Genius is linked to half the net!
4909: No characters based on Sam Starfall. EVER.
4910: The Catfolk or overt Moreaus in the party are not to be referred to as "token furries".
So while the word was familiar, I couldn't place it. Told you I'd slap myself in the head over it.
Oh, and I'm working on getting together a handful of entries to add to the list.
4912) yes using a "corpse cannon" will give you an alignment change
4913)flesh to stone is not a way to dispose of dead party members. no matter how much the statue would sell for.
4914) Gnomish universal remotes are henceforth FORBIDDEN.
4915) "the god of dexterity" is not a viable character concept.
4916) YOU ARE THE ARCHER ... SHOOT THINGS!!!!
4917) rogues with sniper rifles.... bad choice.
4918) Tieflings with mechs also a bad choice... albeit hillarious
4919) even if you are a power hit variant monk with the flaming fist feat that does not gice you the excuse to yell "falcon punch!" whenever you attack
4920) no fafing around witht he elf's memory... again... especially when it gets him killed.
4922) The DM may never create a quartet of sexual ambiguous bards (especially if said bards are Gnomes!) that travel the realm and bust out songs belonging to a RL group whose name is also the title of the monarch of Great Britain while seducing fat-bottom girls and the occasional young man. This also applies to most other songs/bands from the 70's-90's.
4923) Polymorph Any Object is not the answer to life's little quirks. Turning the Princess into the Prince may have unforseen consequences. ((In one game the Wizard helped [desperately unhappy with being left home despite being a much better fighter than her older but hapless Brother] the 'tom-boy' Princess out by turning her into a Male....only to come back a session later and find the Prince(Princess) and her 'childhood friend' (a slightly lesser-rank Noble) engaging in dubious activities. There was a Fireball Wand wedding later that day, officiated by the Party Cleric.
4925) No you CAN'T keep the rogue/chaos beast as a pet.
4926) The Barbarian may have trapsense, a rogue will be better at it.
4927) If the DM says "CRAP!" after rolling for random treasure, you just scored BIG!
4928) No you are NOT allowed to ask HOW all those gems got into the Purple Worms.
4909: No characters based on Sam Starfall. EVER.
Freefall FTW.
4929) I may not make an overt canine moreau for the sole purpose of hearing robots yell "DOGGY!"
4930) The same goes for Eberron, replacing canine moreau with Anthropomorphic Wolf and robots with Warforged.
4931) I cannot make a Warforged with 3 INT and name it Spiral, then say IC "Hi! My name is Spiral. I pick up heavy things, and then I put them down."
4931) Spiral's battlecry is not to be "Hi! I hit evil things and then I hit them again."
4932) There is no such thing as a babymobile in FR, Greyhawk, Eberron, or D20 Modern.
4933) I am expressly forbidden from making a babymobile.
4934) Or, if a necromancer, using the stats for a charnel hound to make a Slaymatemobile. (...creepy...)
4935) I am not to apply the Farspawn template to kender and then put them in Armor of Dexterity and Endure Elements.
4936) Obsolete Warforged are not hunted down.
4937) I cannot hunt down obsolete warforged.
4938) However, if people are, I am to go ahead and stop them.
4939) I am not to make a Warforged Bard for the express purpose of playing Daft Punk's Robot Rock in-game.
4940) The same goes for Technologic.
4943: ...or FORTRAN.
4944: ...or COBOL.
4945: Warforged do not have punch-card slots. Especially not there.
4946: I cannot reboot Warforged.
4947: The Warforged is not cranky because he needs his hard drive defragmented.
4948: Warforged are not "three-laws safe", and he was perfectly in his rights to react that way.
4942: Warforged are not programmed in BASIC.
4943: ...or FORTRAN.
4944: ...or COBOL.
4945: Warforged do not have punch-card slots. Especially not there.
4946: I cannot reboot Warforged.
4947: The Warforged is not cranky because he needs his hard drive defragmented.
4948: Warforged are not "three-laws safe", and he was perfectly in his rights to react that way.
4949.Warforge do not to be commoand with with the following vocal command C:/Dos run
4951. I cannot have a cybernetic chipmunk. If I do, I cannot name him Boo.
4952. I do no stab things with my laser tail. I shoot them. Or cut them, if it's a laser cutter. But I do not stab them.
4953. Even if it is a really good reason, I am not (as a vampire) to show the police officer how the guy I just killed nearly cut my head off, and expect him to just let me go.
4955: Especially if we are playing vampire.
4956: There is no question on Earth where an acceptable answer is "Still pants-less I wander off in the wrong direction."... at least in d20 Future :D
4957: Never allowed to try to think about how to obtain a Decanter of Endless Endlessness.
that got vetoed before the thought was even finished.4958 I´m not alowed to interup important NPC´s by dumping a heavy load on him
4959 nor am I to stand ontop of the load and scream a hight pitch WRYYYY
4960 especialy if I´m the goddy good pladin
4961 no my time mage my not have ZA WARUDO!! as a battlecry...even if he does have a spell that freezes time
1501: Raz is not allowed to drag fellow PC's through the outer-planes
1502: This goes double for the inner-planes
1503: Raz cannot use the Force
1504: NO ONE is allowed to make a jedi with a penchant for good-hearted mischief
1505: Said jedi may not be called Zar.
1506: If Raz is in a Star Wars game he must follow the wounds/vitality points system.
1507: He may not see if raw magic is more powerful than the dark side.
1508: The death star is not a toy.
1509: May not suggest improvements to the death star.
1510: Ewoks are not small furry halflings.
1511: Raz may not form a coherent, logical, easy-to-follow argument as to why magic is more powerful than the Force.
1512: Raz cannot be a jedi.
1513: Under no circumstances is he allowed to have a lightsaber
1514: Even if he can use Mage Hand to snag a lightsaber off of a jedi's belt.
1515: He may not taunt the jedi.
1516: He may however taunt the sith.
1517: Raz cannot pilot an X-wing on a 'whim'.
1518: He may not be Epic in a Star Wars Game
1519: Raz cannot try to use Random Deflector to redirect the Death Star's attack
1520: He may not use illusion spells to make translucent blue old men come around and give people advice and counsel.
1521: Raz may not one-up Jabba the Hutt
1522: Raz may not call Jabba Pizza the Hut
1523: If anyone wants Raz to come to Coruscent (sp?) for ANY reason he is to be in a straight jacket, with a muzzle, and pushed around in a wheelbarrow.
1524: Yes, we realize this means he's probably dancing around in some cantina while a poor chap is in his place not knowing what's going on.
1525: Raz is to never be allowed near any computer consul. Ever...
OMG, if any of these things happened, I have a good feeling the Galactic Alliance (eventual incarnation of the New Republic after the constitution got re-written, for highly necessasary reasons) and the Yuuzhan Vong would team up just to get rid of Raz.
4964: your character cannot consume 18 bottles of rum and expect to live.
4965: dying from alcohol poisoning in such a situation is not an unfair move by the DM.
4966: greataxes are not appropriate to use as thrown weapons.
4967: especially if your strength is 10.
4969. And he is not tring to suduce anyone
4970. My typos on my character sheet are to be fixed before printing it out
4973. EVER!
4974. If i get to do this my character is shot with a maximized, epic empowered lightning bolt.
(so...many...fire emblem...similaritys...)
4976. neither is summon land rover.
4980) Jake Armitage is not to bind any sort of jester spirit to himself.
4982) Or Jay
4983) Or Alan Rickman
4984) Or Chris Rock, the 13th Apostle
[CENTER][FONT="Century Gothic"]
4785. Nikita Kruschev, Lennie Bruce, Lester Banks, and Leonard Bernstein do not exist in Faerun.
48001.ITs not the end of the world,but i do feel fine.....
48001.ITs not the end of the world,but i do feel fine.....
Yet ...
48001.ITs not the end of the world,but i do feel fine.....
4801: I am not to refer to my Battle Mind's Far Punch power as "Boot to the Head"
4802: The Seven Mounting Heavens of Celestia are not for Presbyterians only.
to whoever gets these references.EDIT: The Frantics, if Wikipedia can be trusted. My personal favorite is Ed Gruberman, but I've also just remembered, from the 30th Anniversary, the "Last Will and Testament" had everyone getting boots to the head, according to the will ... followed up by a lifetime supply of Boot-to-the-Head-flavored ice cream!
Boot to the Head is a form of Tai Kwan Leap! ... All I remember is that it was on the Dr. Demento's 20th Anniversary CD's, Disc 2 ... I'm going to have to look up the artist.
EDIT: The Frantics, if Wikipedia can be trusted. My personal favorite is Ed Gruberman, but I've also just remembered, from the 30th Anniversary, the "Last Will and Testament" had everyone getting boots to the head, according to the will ... followed up by a lifetime supply of Boot-to-the-Head-flavored ice cream!
And another for Jenny and the wimp.
4813: The command word to activate a artifact that exists solely to drestroy elves is not allowed to be "F****** ELVES!"
4813: When the Vorpal Greatsword activates, the first person at the table that screams BOOM HEADSHOT! will suffer a permanent 5 Character Level Drain.
4814: Wizards may not substitue incredibly horrible insults as the 'arcane language' in which they cast spells. Ie no calling the Orc a [bleep bleep bleep bleep] and your [bleep bleep bleep] of a goat [bleep] while you cast Disintergrate at it.
I am no longer allowed to crossdress using my amazing disguise skill to seduce villains, party members, random townsfolk and then horribly humiliate them later.
Bard: (Singing)He was born and raised in Ireland, his mother's pride and joy!
Fighter: Will you shut up sometime?
Wizard: And what is this Ireland you keep singing of?
4819: This goes double for references to TV Shows such as Bewitched, I Dream of Jeannie, The Andy Griffith Show, Dragnet, Hogan's Heroes, Get Smart, Gomer Pyle USMC, and Hawaii Five-0
4820: Whilst going over a plan in detail, I am not to make any reference whatsoever to the operational countdown from The Dirty Dozen This includes asking where Donald Duck is.
4821: I am not allowed to start a heated argument amongst my fellow players about whether or not the cake is a lie.
4822: I am not allowed to try to use Augury to determine whether or not the cake is a lie.
4823: When using the Smart Hero's taunt ability, I do not need to recite any of the lines or the French Taunters from THAT movie.
4824: The previous rule also applies to the French taunters from the musical based on THAT movie.
4827. Deue Ex Machina Man is alos out of the question
(And a the two concepts combined into one character is OUT OF THE QUESTION!)
4829. I cannot petition to change the names of any famous artifacts
4830. "FOR PONY!" Is not an acceptable battlecry
4831. Especially for an Evil character
4832. Squirrels are not "Devils disguised as tiny rat-like monkeys"
4833. Halfling lungs really DON'T make good cologne
4834. A 20% failure rate is not the hallmark of engineering
4835. If it takes longer to explain why you are allowed to perform the action than it does to read the campaign backstory, you can't do it
4836. When faced with Cthulhu, I am not allowed to exclaim "Crikey! What a beut!"
4834-Dark legacy!
4836-Irregular webcomic!
*I am the king of no pants! XD XD
4811: I did not flunk flank.
Even if I did flunk flank?
4841) It is not acceptable to use "I prepared explosive runes this morning as a way to deal with any of the following:
a. Other party members
b. Any named NPC
c. any one at all really (Unless it is really funny!)
4842. No,Even if there cheerleaders in the world,my character's motto and or war cry can not and will not be "Save the cheerleader save the world."
4844. Just because your Warforged doesn't need to breath doesn't mean the rest of the part has the same gift
4845. Collecting the teeth of the party's fresh dead cleric is considered in poor taste, even for a barbarian
4847.Escpially if said chaarcter was a warforge
4848.The warforge is not the The Six Million Dollar Man.
4850. I will get hit again if i call the Dm's world "Copyright infringment 101."
4851. The Dm's notes are not to be refered to as the prosacution's case for copy right infringment.
4852. The kingdom is not caelld Cliche land.
No he has not, the previous use involved a dead necromancer.
Signed,
Conchobaer
This was one of my favorites, however it was hard to pick one as I have experienced too many of these.
"The paladin's alignment is not lawful prick."
Signed,
Conchobaer
Especially if he is one.
4849) My bard does not know That's My Horse.
4850) My bard has never heard of That's My Horse!
4851) I am not to plot with the party barbarian pre-session to have him enter a rage when I play That's My Horse!
4852) All use of That's My Horse! is now banned!
4860: No, my Dwarven rogue cannot use their pickpocket ability to get their money back from the bar wench's apron-pockets in order to get free beer.
4863: Not even if you ask politely.
4864: Especially if she has no facial hair.
4866. The Armaghettos do not exist in this campaign.
4867. Nor does Ohio.
4869: Not allowed to act out said streaking to prove this claim.
4870: No, not even with props. Put down my bathmat and put your shorts back on.
4871. The same goes for any item, race, or class.
These are actually real; the DM's ruled that.
4964: your character cannot consume 18 bottles of rum and expect to live.
4965: dying from alcohol poisoning in such a situation is not an unfair move by the DM.
I had a PC who tried to drink 20 gallons of ale, then rolled a one on her fort save, and was very surprised to find she had killed her character 5 minutes into the game.
Anyway;
4872--My royalty fighter is not allowed to say "I see these witches are afraid of swords" after every fight with a female spellcaster.
4873--especially not if said witch is my sister-in-law. (This reference, and the one above should be very easy; tell me if you don't get it.)
4874--"I see these witches are afraid of Brooms" should never be uttered, even if you are using a broom as a prop.
4875--Just because my Warlock can shoot things every six seconds doesn't mean he must shoot things every six seconds.
4876--a wall with an inflict light wounds trap is too horrible a fate to unleash on anyone.
4877--A Blind PC with blindsense may not gain Darkness as an at will spell-like ability.
4878--Shake-spear is not an intimidating name for your orc Barbarian
4879--even if he uses a spear.
4880-not allowed to convert everything in RL to D20 stats.
4872--My royalty fighter is not allowed to say "I see these witches are afraid of swords" after every fight with a female spellcaster.
4873--especially not if said witch is my sister-in-law. (This reference, and the one above should be very easy; tell me if you don't get it.)
I don't :embarrass
I don't :embarrass
It's from Shakespeare's A Comedy of Errors.
4882. And Anna Nicole Smith.
4883. And Lindsay Lohan.
4884. And David Hasselhoff, for entirely different reasons.
4885. And Ol' Dirty Bastard.
4886. And Keith Moon, even though the bad taste is in character for him and entirely fitting to his spirit.
4887. I am no longer allowed to base characters off of any celebrity, living or dead.
4888. I am no longer allowed to base characters off of hypothetical offspring of any pair of celebrities, living or dead.
4889. When playing an evil character, I may not use the following artists for my character's theme music: Kenny G, John Tesh, Celine Dion, Barbara Streissand, any Rodgers & Hammerstein show tunes, or Yanni.
4890. Nor may I use Styx, but that's only because Styx is Neutral Good.
4891. Exotic Weapon Proficiency (Henchman) is hereby disallowed.
4892. My drunken master may not, through any method, attempt to gain acidic vomit.
4893. Nor may he attempt to contract lethal diseases to spew onto enemies.
4894. Nor may he find any effective way to turn "Brown Bottle Flu" into a weapon.
4895. My drunken master is not a fratboy... his Wisdom is above 3.
4896. I may not lower my Wisdom score below 3 in an attempt to make my drunken master into a drunken fratboy.
4897. Jagermeister does not exist in D&D.
4898. I may not harvest Gelatinous Cube so I can make jell-o shooters.
4899. I may only reference alcohol from the DM approved list.
4900. Alcohol no longer exists anywhere in the universe, thanks to divine intervention, and every dwarf ever born wants to kill me because of it.
4902: Or where, or how often.
4903: Or if I can help next time.
4904: Especially if she is wife or daughter to the dwarven king.
4905: Extra-especially if she is standing within earshot of him.
4907: Especially in a Devil May Cry Campaign.
4908: Fukmino-san
4909: Fukmino-chan
4910: Miso Oni
4911: Oni Zaka (pwni, zucka)
4912: My Little Oni
4914: Nor is it "Gay Deceiver Countermarch!", "Gay Deceiver Bug Out!", or any variation on any of these.
4915: My teleport spell does not, in fact, rely on an intelligent flying car called Gay Deceiver, and I am henceforth barred from reading Heinlein before game sessions.
4916: The above go double for word of recall spells.
4913: The verbal component for my teleport spell is not "Gay Deceiver Take Us Home!"
4914: Nor is it "Gay Deceiver Countermarch!", "Gay Deceiver Bug Out!", or any variation on any of these.
4915: My teleport spell does not, in fact, rely on an intelligent flying car called Gay Deceiver, and I am henceforth barred from reading Heinlein before game sessions.
4916: The above go double for word of recall spells.
4917: Nor am I from "Earth-Without-A-"J". I know what the letter "J" is, how it is pronounced, and where it fits in the alphabet. If I break this rule, I will be shot in the thoat.
4919: The verbal component of "magic missile" "melfs acid arrow" or any touch attack spell is not "lock n load".
4920: I may not quote Terry Pratchet, nor may I use Ahnk Morpork Daggers.
4921: I may not use profanity for any of the power word spells, followed by die, hurt, stop, or see the light.
4922: The spell explosive runes has runes that do not say "I prepared explosive runes this morning"
4923: Starting drug wars in the sewers with crossbows that escalate to guards dropping greek fire down and flames spurting out of every gate in the city is strictly prohibited.
4923: So is evaporating half of the sewers into the city air so that everyone stays indoors, unless the character actually has a sense of smell.
4927: Am not allowed to cry when said gnoll proves hers is bigger.
4929. Nor am I allowed to choose "Belter".
4930. Or "Psmith".
4931. I may not put down Slag-Bah as my religion.
4932. Nor may I worship The Winslow, even though 3/4 of the religions in the galaxy follow him in some way or another.
4933. Nor may I worship any Heterodyne; past, present, or future.
4934. The Velvet Fist does not exist in Greyhawk, and I will stop insisting that we have to visit the next time we're in the area.
4935. The campaign will not move to New Hong Kong just so we can visit said establishment.
4936. Even if we find a wrecked spaceship in a classic Gygaxian module, we will not be able to fix it with steel-age tools... and use it to visit New Hong Kong.
4937. New Hong Kong is not a sub-plane, and Plane Shift cannot be used to visit it.
4938. Any further in-character mention of places that do not exist in this universe will be punished by Tarrasque.
4341: in a Star Wars game, not allowed to name droids "4Q2" or "OB1-KNO-B."
What about R2-M-NOT?
4942: If we stumble across a dead body, I can't say "Round up the usual suspects"
4943: I'm also not allowed to call Big O under the same circumstances as 4941.
4944: Saying "What the F*ck is a Gary Gygax?" is now considered bad taste.
4945: Character Names like "Dick Goesinja" and "Heywood Jablowme" are also bad taste.
4947: The paladin's code prohibits my forcibly breeding slaves.
4948: The paladin's code, the laws of the universe, and the flimsy nerves of the DM all prohibit me from breeding an elven slave with an orcish slave.
4949: No, I cannot explain why I thought that was a good idea.
4950: Yes, my god would probably take offense to the idea.
4951: "Release the Pies" is not a verbal component for any spell.
4952: If I run a sting of L's, I's, E's, M's, R's and T's together in an attempt to fake speaking elvish, I am not to complain when I end up insulting the barmaid or summoning a demon lord.
4953: I may not use a russian accent to denote when my character is speaking dwarven.
4954: Nor may I use a spanish accent to denote speaking in gnomish.
4955: Everyone knows that burritos are not gnomish.
4956: I may not use a german accent to denote speaking orcish.
4957: I may never, ever use a canadian accent whilst in character again.
4958: The gods are not "hosers".
4959: Neither is the DM.
4960: George Lucas is neither a dead god nor a vestige.
4961: I am prohibited from using the "Chicken infestation" flaw printed in the april fool's day issue of Dragon to create an infinite cash loop.
4962: I can no longer torture captured enemies by sticking my nose right in their face and chanting "Chimichanga. Chimichanga. Chimichanga." over and over for eighteen hours.
4963: If our stated goal is to drive the invading kobolds from the mines, I will not summarily join forces with them to thwart the rest of the party and conquer the kingdom.
4964: Even if they're about to kill me.
4965: Especially if I'm playing a lawful good character.
4966: I may no longer use the excuse that "I was being sarcastic" to explain why it says Lawful Good on my character sheet, when I'm playing my character as Chaotic Neutral/Evil.
4967: Nor may I use the excuse that I forgot which character I was playing.
4968: Nor may I claim to be a devotee of both Yondalla and Dallah Thaun. My character isn't halfling, and it clearly says "Pelor" under religion.
4969: Temporary insanity is right out.
4970: Despite the fact that he's the god of thieves, the clerics of the temple of Olidammara really don't appreciate stealing from the treasury.
4971: Communion at the temple of Kord does not involve "`Roid wafers".
4972: Communion at the temple of Moradin does not involve "ale and pretzels". Everyone knows that pretzels are a distinctly human delicacy.
4973: I may not even contemplate communion at the temple of Lolth.
4974: Or Elistraae.
4975: Or Orcus.
4976: I am prohibited from mixing elements of real-life religion with fictitious religion whilst playing D&D.
4977: I may no longer put "Whatever the guy I attacked isn't" as my alignment.
4978: I am not the god of socket wrenches and mayonnaise.
4979: The DM does not care where I got the hentai miniatures, and I may not use them to denote monsters caught in Evard's Black Tentacles.
4980: My character is denied access from golf clubs and chewing gum from this point on.
4981: There is no "Halfling War Ladle".
4982: I may no longer put enough ranks in Sleight of Hand to steal organs from inside other beings.
4983: Even if I can find someone interested in buying kidneys.
4955: Everyone knows that burritos are not gnomish.
They are?
4957: I may never, ever use a canadian accent whilst in character again.
Story?
4961: I am prohibited from using the "Chicken infestation" flaw printed in the april fool's day issue of Dragon to create an infinite cash loop.
... Can your followers?
4969: Temporary insanity is right out.
Right out of the party and into the asylum, anyway.
4972: Communion at the temple of Moradin does not involve "ale and pretzels". Everyone knows that pretzels are a distinctly human delicacy.
Dwarven Ale and mushrooms?
4977: I may no longer put "Whatever the guy I attacked isn't" as my alignment.
Oh, but that's fun!
4979: The DM does not care where I got the hentai miniatures, and I may not use them to denote monsters caught in Evard's Black Tentacles.
http://www.giantitp.com/comics/oots0020.html
4982: I may no longer put enough ranks in Sleight of Hand to steal organs from inside other beings.
4983: Even if I can find someone interested in buying kidneys.
Story please!
Back on topic.
4984. 1st edition sourcebooks are no longer valid for rules purposes.
4985. "Cybertronian" is not a race.
4986. Nor is "Irishman". Even on St. Patrick's day.
4987. Pepsi does not exist in the D&D universe, I will stop attempting to do product placements.
4988. While the DM is willing to make up stats for new weapons so I can use my novelty dice (d24, d14, d5...) trying to use a pair of "romance dice" from Spencer's is just out of the question.
4989. "Kick in the Groin" is not a feat.
4990. Nor is it a feat tree with "Improved-" and "Greater Kick in the Groin".
4991. I will stop referring to the DM as "Friend Computer".
4992. I will stop referring to fellow PCs as "Troubleshooters".
4993. I will stop referring to NPCs as "Infrareds".
4994. Despite what Red Mage said, zombie ogres do exist and are completely logical.
4995. I will stop quoting Red Mage at the table.
4996. I will not put on "Sweatin' to the Oldies" when the DM is attempting to set a grim atmosphere.
4997. The "Million Commoner and a Stick Railgun" trick doesn't actually work.
4998. I will not attempt to use the "Million Commoner and a Stick Railgun" to discover the underlying physics of the D&D universe.
4999. If the DM put a long, well-thought out explanation to something in our story, I will not interrupt him with "Yeah, yeah, a wizard did it, now can we move on?"
5000. A Bohemian Earspoon is not something that beatniks used for personal hygiene.
5002: Wacky sound effects are considered to be bad taste while playing a lovecraftesque campaign
4944: Saying "What the F*ck is a Gary Gygax?" is now considered bad taste.
Bad taste? I hear it's punishable by death in some circles.
5004 escpially if the other person involed is another jedi
5006: Said Druid is not allowed to run through town square screaming his name
5005: I'm not allowed to name my Druid "Captain Planet"
5006: Said Druid is not allowed to run through town square screaming his name
5007: See also, 5006+4989
5007: See also, 5006+4989
''Protect the environment, or I'll fu***n' kill you!''
5008: I am longer allowed to play a bard and actually write a song about the warblade.
5009: Singing it during combat is prohibited too.
It's based on ''The Candy Man Can''
The Martial Adept Can
Who can take an encounter, swinging easy through
Cover it with strikes and a boost or two
The Martial Adept can, oh the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
Who can take a longsword, poke it in a Dretch
Soak it in its guts and make a pile of demon flesh
The Martial Adept can, the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
The Martial Adept makes every strike he knows stylised and dramatic
Now you talk about your melee wishes, you can even beat some wizards
Oh, who slaughters the Manual, kicking beyond dream
Eradicate the Drow and laugh up at the screams
The Martial Adept can, oh the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
The Martial Adept makes every strike he knows stylised and dramatic
Now you talk about your melee wishes, you can even beat some wizards
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Who slaughters the Manual, kicking beyond dream
Eradicate the Drow and laugh up at the screams
The Martial Adept, the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
Yes, the Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
a- Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept
Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept
Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept
Who can take an encounter, swinging easy through
Cover it with strikes and a boost or two
The Martial Adept can, oh the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
Who can take a longsword, poke it in a Dretch
Soak it in its guts and make a pile of demon flesh
The Martial Adept can, the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
The Martial Adept makes every strike he knows stylised and dramatic
Now you talk about your melee wishes, you can even beat some wizards
Oh, who slaughters the Manual, kicking beyond dream
Eradicate the Drow and laugh up at the screams
The Martial Adept can, oh the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
The Martial Adept makes every strike he knows stylised and dramatic
Now you talk about your melee wishes, you can even beat some wizards
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Who slaughters the Manual, kicking beyond dream
Eradicate the Drow and laugh up at the screams
The Martial Adept, the Martial Adept can
The Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
Yes, the Martial Adept can 'cause he mixes it with love and makes the monsters blood flood
a- Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept
Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept
Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept, a-Martial Adept
5011: Especially if you are female.
5012: Extra-especially if this is a LARP.
5013: No, not even if the Druid tapes it and promises us all a cut of the profits from the paysite.
5014: Wait... it's HOW much? Damn.
2015:I'm not alowwed to be naked....EVER!!!!
Going to astound the monsters with your nakedness, eh Leo?
Just don't eat the "skittles."
5015: Not allowed to give my character a name that is a combination of "pyromaniac" and "kamikaze".
5016: Not allowed to set myself on fire before going into combat.
5017: Explosives are not melee weapons.
5018: Neither are Fireball spells.
5019: Not allowed to find my way out of the forest by burning it down.
5020: Not allowed to make the "greatest character in the world".
5021: Not allowed to only make a tribute to the "greatest character in the world".
5022: My bard does not have the power of flight.
5023: My bard does not have the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... WITH MIND BULLETS!!!
5024: The demon code does not prevent the BBEG from declining a rock off challenge.
5025: Not allowed to make guitar picks from the teeth of demons.
5026: Said guitar picks will not provide bonuses to Perform (Rock).
5027: My bard can't properly perform "Master Exploder" until he reaches epic levels.
5057. Nor is he Emeril
I think Emeril has only about ten ranks in it, tops. Flay probably less.
I was still trying to read through th topic when I thought of these, so don't be surprised if they are already mentioned somewhere.
5015: Not allowed to give my character a name that is a combination of "pyromaniac" and "kamikaze".
5016: Not allowed to set myself on fire before going into combat.
5017: Explosives are not melee weapons.
5018: Neither are Fireball spells.
5019: Not allowed to find my way out of the forest by burning it down.
5020: Not allowed to make the "greatest character in the world".
5021: Not allowed to only make a tribute to the "greatest character in the world".
5022: My bard does not have the power of flight.
5023: My bard does not have the power to kill a yak from 200 yards away... WITH MIND BULLETS!!!
5024: The demon code does not prevent the BBEG from declining a rock off challenge.
5025: Not allowed to make guitar picks from the teeth of demons.
5026: Said guitar picks will not provide bonuses to Perform (Rock).
5027: My bard can't properly perform "Master Exploder" until he reaches epic levels.
Actually, to do that you should be a psion...
Show
Mind Bullets (NA)
Psychokinesis [Force]
Level: Psion/wilder 9
Display: Auditory, visual
Manifesting Time: 1 full-round action
Range: Medium (100 ft + 10 ft/lvl)
Effect: Ray
Duration: Instantaneous and 1 round/lvl or until discharged [D]; see text
Saving Throw: Fortitude partial (object)
Power Resistance: Yes (object)
Power Points: 17
Your will condenses into solid knots of force, which you can then launch at your foes to kill them.
Upon manifesting this power and for 1 round/lvl afterwards, you can form a Fine-sized projectile made from pure force, which you can then fire at an inconceivable velocity. Forming the projectile and firing it is a full-round action that cannot be performed by either a psicrystal (unless the psicrystal manifested mind bullets of its own accord) or the secondary mind created by a schism effect. You can only execute this feat 4 times before the energies from the power dissipate completely.
When struck by a projectile, a target must make a Fortitude save or immediately die (or be instantaneously destroyed, in the case of an object). If it succeeds, it takes 17d6+17 points of force-based damage, instead (which automatically bypasses hardness and damage reduction of all kinds). Extraordinarily large objects, unless very fragile, have 20 ft diameter sections destroyed on a failed save. This power cannot generally deal damage to objects of minor artifact status or greater. Targets who cannot take damage from this power for any reason (such as immunity to damage from force effects) are immune to being killed by this power.
Only one iteration of mind bullets can be in effect upon your person at any one time; manifesting it again while a previous manifestation is in effect merely refreshes your supply of projectiles and the duration of the power. Thus, any projectiles you hold in reserve when you manifest mind bullets a second time are wasted.
Mind bullets can be dispelled as if its range was “Personal,” and its target “You.”
Augment: 1. For every 4 additional power points you spend, the total number of projectiles you can fire increases by 1.
2. If you spend 4 additional power points, this power’s manifesting time becomes “1 standard action,” and you can also fire projectiles as a standard action.
3. If you spend 4 additional power points, this power’s range becomes “Long (400 ft + 40 ft/lvl).”
4. If you spend 6 additional power points, this power’s area becomes “5 ft radius burst,” its saving throw becomes “Fortitude partial and Fortitude half (object),” and the projectiles explode upon contact with their intended target, dealing appropriate force damage to everything within the burst whether or not the intended target succeeds at its Fortitude save (this damage replaces the damage noted above). Subjects not hit with the ray attack are entitled to a Fortitude save to halve the damage taken.
4a. For every 2 additional power points you spend, the radius of this power’s area increases by 5 ft.
5. If you spend 8 additional power points, this power gains the [Creation] descriptor, and its power resistance becomes “No.” Its velocity is such that even if it enters a null psionics field or similar effect, it retains its ability to overcome damage reduction and hardness of all kinds.
6. [Negative] If you spend 2 fewer power points, this power’s range becomes “Close (25 ft + 5 ft/2 lvls).”
7. [Negative] If you spend 4 fewer power points, this power’s saving throw becomes “Fortitude negates (object),” and you no longer deal damage on a successful save.
For every additional power point you spend (via one of these augmentations, or simply by spending additional power points), the damage dealt by each projectile increases by 1d6 +1 points. For every power point not spent, this damage decreases by 1d6 + 1.
Mind Bullets (NA)
Psychokinesis [Force]
Level: Psion/wilder 9
Display: Auditory, visual
Manifesting Time: 1 full-round action
Range: Medium (100 ft + 10 ft/lvl)
Effect: Ray
Duration: Instantaneous and 1 round/lvl or until discharged [D]; see text
Saving Throw: Fortitude partial (object)
Power Resistance: Yes (object)
Power Points: 17
Your will condenses into solid knots of force, which you can then launch at your foes to kill them.
Upon manifesting this power and for 1 round/lvl afterwards, you can form a Fine-sized projectile made from pure force, which you can then fire at an inconceivable velocity. Forming the projectile and firing it is a full-round action that cannot be performed by either a psicrystal (unless the psicrystal manifested mind bullets of its own accord) or the secondary mind created by a schism effect. You can only execute this feat 4 times before the energies from the power dissipate completely.
When struck by a projectile, a target must make a Fortitude save or immediately die (or be instantaneously destroyed, in the case of an object). If it succeeds, it takes 17d6+17 points of force-based damage, instead (which automatically bypasses hardness and damage reduction of all kinds). Extraordinarily large objects, unless very fragile, have 20 ft diameter sections destroyed on a failed save. This power cannot generally deal damage to objects of minor artifact status or greater. Targets who cannot take damage from this power for any reason (such as immunity to damage from force effects) are immune to being killed by this power.
Only one iteration of mind bullets can be in effect upon your person at any one time; manifesting it again while a previous manifestation is in effect merely refreshes your supply of projectiles and the duration of the power. Thus, any projectiles you hold in reserve when you manifest mind bullets a second time are wasted.
Mind bullets can be dispelled as if its range was “Personal,” and its target “You.”
Augment: 1. For every 4 additional power points you spend, the total number of projectiles you can fire increases by 1.
2. If you spend 4 additional power points, this power’s manifesting time becomes “1 standard action,” and you can also fire projectiles as a standard action.
3. If you spend 4 additional power points, this power’s range becomes “Long (400 ft + 40 ft/lvl).”
4. If you spend 6 additional power points, this power’s area becomes “5 ft radius burst,” its saving throw becomes “Fortitude partial and Fortitude half (object),” and the projectiles explode upon contact with their intended target, dealing appropriate force damage to everything within the burst whether or not the intended target succeeds at its Fortitude save (this damage replaces the damage noted above). Subjects not hit with the ray attack are entitled to a Fortitude save to halve the damage taken.
4a. For every 2 additional power points you spend, the radius of this power’s area increases by 5 ft.
5. If you spend 8 additional power points, this power gains the [Creation] descriptor, and its power resistance becomes “No.” Its velocity is such that even if it enters a null psionics field or similar effect, it retains its ability to overcome damage reduction and hardness of all kinds.
6. [Negative] If you spend 2 fewer power points, this power’s range becomes “Close (25 ft + 5 ft/2 lvls).”
7. [Negative] If you spend 4 fewer power points, this power’s saving throw becomes “Fortitude negates (object),” and you no longer deal damage on a successful save.
For every additional power point you spend (via one of these augmentations, or simply by spending additional power points), the damage dealt by each projectile increases by 1d6 +1 points. For every power point not spent, this damage decreases by 1d6 + 1.
Actually, to do that you should be a psion...Show
Mind Bullets (NA)
Psychokinesis [Force]
Level: Psion/wilder 9
Display: Auditory, visual
Manifesting Time: 1 full-round action
Range: Medium (100 ft + 10 ft/lvl)
Effect: Ray
Duration: Instantaneous and 1 round/lvl or until discharged [D]; see text
Saving Throw: Fortitude partial (object)
Power Resistance: Yes (object)
Power Points: 17
Your will condenses into solid knots of force, which you can then launch at your foes to kill them.
Upon manifesting this power and for 1 round/lvl afterwards, you can form a Fine-sized projectile made from pure force, which you can then fire at an inconceivable velocity. Forming the projectile and firing it is a full-round action that cannot be performed by either a psicrystal (unless the psicrystal manifested mind bullets of its own accord) or the secondary mind created by a schism effect. You can only execute this feat 4 times before the energies from the power dissipate completely.
When struck by a projectile, a target must make a Fortitude save or immediately die (or be instantaneously destroyed, in the case of an object). If it succeeds, it takes 17d6+17 points of force-based damage, instead (which automatically bypasses hardness and damage reduction of all kinds). Extraordinarily large objects, unless very fragile, have 20 ft diameter sections destroyed on a failed save. This power cannot generally deal damage to objects of minor artifact status or greater. Targets who cannot take damage from this power for any reason (such as immunity to damage from force effects) are immune to being killed by this power.
Only one iteration of mind bullets can be in effect upon your person at any one time; manifesting it again while a previous manifestation is in effect merely refreshes your supply of projectiles and the duration of the power. Thus, any projectiles you hold in reserve when you manifest mind bullets a second time are wasted.
Mind bullets can be dispelled as if its range was “Personal,” and its target “You.”
Augment: 1. For every 4 additional power points you spend, the total number of projectiles you can fire increases by 1.
2. If you spend 4 additional power points, this power’s manifesting time becomes “1 standard action,” and you can also fire projectiles as a standard action.
3. If you spend 4 additional power points, this power’s range becomes “Long (400 ft + 40 ft/lvl).”
4. If you spend 6 additional power points, this power’s area becomes “5 ft radius burst,” its saving throw becomes “Fortitude partial and Fortitude half (object),” and the projectiles explode upon contact with their intended target, dealing appropriate force damage to everything within the burst whether or not the intended target succeeds at its Fortitude save (this damage replaces the damage noted above). Subjects not hit with the ray attack are entitled to a Fortitude save to halve the damage taken.
4a. For every 2 additional power points you spend, the radius of this power’s area increases by 5 ft.
5. If you spend 8 additional power points, this power gains the [Creation] descriptor, and its power resistance becomes “No.” Its velocity is such that even if it enters a null psionics field or similar effect, it retains its ability to overcome damage reduction and hardness of all kinds.
6. [Negative] If you spend 2 fewer power points, this power’s range becomes “Close (25 ft + 5 ft/2 lvls).”
7. [Negative] If you spend 4 fewer power points, this power’s saving throw becomes “Fortitude negates (object),” and you no longer deal damage on a successful save.
For every additional power point you spend (via one of these augmentations, or simply by spending additional power points), the damage dealt by each projectile increases by 1d6 +1 points. For every power point not spent, this damage decreases by 1d6 + 1.
5037. I am not allowed to give children rods of wonder.
5038. I am not allowes to give children any universal magic items.
5041. No more unionizing the gnomes.
5042. May no longer consult the wheel of morality.
5043. My plans must include the survival of the whole group.
5044. May no longer use optical illusions.
5,000 things in a 1001 thread... I am in awe.Not having read all 12 pages, I am not entirely sure if these have been posted before. Most of these were done by my players in various campaigns.
5,055: Name any character Gimble Norton.
5,056: Use an Amber Amulet of Vermin. (I think I'm the person who got it banned in the RPGA;) )
5,057: Um, fornicate with another character during combat.
5,058: Threaten the DM with a knife, in game or out of game.
5,059: Play Magic: The Gathering and D&D at the same time.
5,060: Push the afformentioned Gimble Norton out of a tree.
5,061: Use the distraction created by me pushing Gimble Norton out of a tree to infiltrate a group of Drow and entirely bypass most of adventure
5,062: Try to sacrifice Gimble Norton to apease the said Drow when they Dispel Magic my Hat of Disguise
5,063: Eat Boros the Blue Badger.
5,064: Approach Boros the Blue Badger.
5,065: Run an adventure featuring Boros the Blue Badger.
5,066: Mention Boros the Blue Badger in any context whatsoever.
5,067: While playing a Warforged, barricade myself in a storeroom until everything else in the dungeon dies of old age.
5,068: Allow monsters to paralyse my weaker party members, then steal all of their equipment, then leave the dungeon, sealing the entrance behind me.
5,069: Roll a crit and kill the CR20 Daelkyr in the first round of combat.
5,070: Somehow manage to amass 1,000,000 gp at fifth level.
5,071: Play as my Min-Maxed psion.
5,072: In the hypothetical situation that I was playing as my psion, use any of powers in any situation at all.
5,073: While playing as the said psion, erradicate every single monster in the module in the first minute of the game from an altitude of 1,600 feet.
Great thread!
5075: Not allowed to play some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
5076: Not allowed to volunteer myself as a weapon.
5077: Not allowed to apply a difficulty modifier to my sword play and basic mechanics skills to somehow create a patchwork lock picking skill.
5078: That guy with all the armor on is not "so hideously evil that he can afford to be nice to me before he kills me".
5079: Not allowed to use the pick pockets skill to pick a pocket of architectural origin.
5080: ...or to empty the truth pockets of someone's mind.
5081: ...or to steal a lock right out of its "pocket" within the door.
5082: The "pick pocket skill" is to be referred to as the "sleight of hand skill" no matter the game or edition being played.
5084: A sledgehammer is no longer 'a poor man's lock-pick.'
5085: Any mention of grue that are not native to the Elemental Plane of Earth will result in three straight kills by the Tarrasque, no matter what the succeeding characters' back-stories are.
5087: None of my spells' verbal components consist of the phrases "HOLD IT!", "TAKE THAT!", or "OBJECTION!"
5088: 5086 and 5087 are still not allowed even when my character has ranks in Profession(Lawyer) and Knowledge(Law).
5089: My lawful cleric character's holy symbol cannot be a tiny silver badge coated in gold paint that he shows off to everyone he meets.
5090: Even if my bard character can be lawful, he isn't allowed to have ranks in Profession(Prosecutor).
5075: Not allowed to play some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock-Of-Seagulls haircut and only one nostril.
Weird Al.
5091. D&D is not at all like Calvinball.
5092. I may not name a character Stupendous Man.
5093. Cardboard boxes do not do whatever I write on them.
5093. Cardboard boxes do not do whatever I write on them.
Actually, Calvin is a 20/20 Wizard/Psion with Wish as an at-will Spell-Like Ability, and Hobbes is his Familiar, but is treated as the animal companion of a 20th level Druid ....
5094: I may not make a 20/20 Wizard/Psion with a Druid's Animal Companion as his/her/its familiar.
Actually, Calvin is a 20/20 Wizard/Psion with Wish as an at-will Spell-Like Ability, and Hobbes is his Familiar, but is treated as the animal companion of a 20th level Druid ....
You'd think he'd be able to make it snow...
5096. The ritual "Enable Cheats" is also banned.
5097. No more Pun-Pun Z jokes.
5098. That goes double for Pun-Pun GT.
5100. "Orc" is not spelt with a K.
5101. Orcs do not grow from spores.
5102. My Orc barbarian is allowed to scream "WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" when he rages, but wearing red does not make him go faster, no matter how much he believes it does.
5103. Gork and Mork are not members of the Orc pantheon.
5104. Neither Khorne nor Nurgle are demon lords.
5105. Just because I can use my Warhammer minis in place of D&D minis during the campaign does not give me license to mix the two.
5106. Dwarven Thrower is a weapon, not a prestige class.
5108: Especially not if female.
For reference
Disarm +N – This weapon gets a +N bonus on disarm attempts, and rolls to resist being counter-disarmed.
Disarm +4 – Sai, Swordcatcher, Gnome.
5109: I may not use party members as weapons, even if they would provide a bonus to disarm
For reference
Actually, there was a story in the Player's forum about a party who ran out of weapons fighting the Big Bad (it was able to destroy their weapons with some kind of defensive acid, and the ones that were left weren't Lawful), so the Drunken Master picked up the Dwarf and bludgeoned the Big Bad to death with a Lawful Improvised Weapon.
5111: Said Ranger should not be use to test out rickety bridges, even if we are nice enough to tie a rope around him.
5112: Said Ranger should not be used to keep the undead hoard busy chasing him for half a campaign
5113: I am not allowed to use my iron bands of bilarro to one shot the dragon.
5114: I am not allowed to use my iron bands of bilarro to one shot party members
5115: I am not allowed to have Iron Bands of Bilarro
5116: when approaching a town overran by undead, the wizard is not allowed to teleport ahead and take a nap... in which case the undead all get sneak attacks on said wizard.
5118: I may not take levels in Tarrasque.
5119: Nor levels in DM.
5120: I definitely may not multiclass between the two.
5121: Under no circumstances ever may I knife the DM for experience.
5122: Clerics of Demogorgon do not gain two heads.
5123: Clerics of Asmodeus can not use 'Call the Nine'. Ever.
5124: Carving a golem a pair of breasts with a successful Craft(Sculpting) check will not make it less aggressive.
5125: I may never again take ranks in Profession (Psychiatrist).
5126: I may never again use to term 'Shizzle' in reference to my characters possessions.
5127: I may not take Knowledge (That Guy).
5128: I may not take Knowledge (Campaign Secrets)
5129: I may not take Knowledge (Where I'm Next Going To Get Hit) in order to grant myself a mechanical bonus to AC.
5130: No matter how many natural twenties I roll I can never control the whole world with an untrained Mind Control check.
5131: I may not make untrained Mind Control checks.
5132: I may not make trained Mind Control checks.
5133: I may not make skill checks for any reason.
5134: I may not take Dark Speech as one of my bonus languages.
5135: Nor Elder God.
5136: I may not take bonus languages.
5137: My characters are forbidden to speak.
5138: My characters are forbidden from communicating through any kind of gesture.
5139: The above includes attacking people to convey strong emotions.
5140: I may no longer play D&D, I must sit quietly and observe without in any way touching any model , figurine, book, dice, character sheet or in any way take any action ever.
5142: As such, roadside inns and taverns are not ammunition depots
5143: The presence of giant insects does not logically allow for a "Summon Giant Magnifying Glass" spell
5144: I may not take levels in Awesome, w00t, or Combat Monster
5145: My paladin's name may not be any anagram of a real-world drug abusing 'gonzo' journalist's name (Thrune Psomnoth)
5146: Just because it's Eberron doesn't mean I can make a shameless Indiana Jones ripoff character
5147: Just because there are Shifters doesn't mean I can make a shameless Wolverine ripoff character
5148: I may never again test, nor call into question the topic of questioning, the subject of ogre-elf anatomical interaction, even if the pointy-eared $&$@^* did break my +3 vorpal bastard sword
5149: I cannot irradiate platinum
5150: An INT of 7 or below does not qualify my character for "special needs assistance"
5152: Whatever the book says, Diplomacy always ends up in rolling initiative.
5154: I am not to refer to the blonde Cylon as an XQJ-37 Nuclear-Powered Pansexual Roto-Plooker. (
for whoever gets this refrence.)5156. Even if I load them up with copious ad campaigns.
5157. Even if they have really kickin' websites.
5158. Am no longer allowed to start a veterinarian's office in D&D that caters to "exotic and magical animals".
5159. I do not get XP for euthanizing a sick unicorn.
5160. Or for killing its dryad friend when she welches on the bill.
5161. Giving a dog a flea dip does not count as vanquishing a swarm of dire fleas, no matter how big they are.
5162. The DM has no desire to know how big the fleas got on my Saint Bernard last summer.
5163. The DM has no desire to know any of my Saint Bernard's other health problems, either.
5164. My 4e character may have an "activation phrase" for his at-will powers. He may not use one power with the phrase "PICKLES!" as its activation phrase every single round.
5165. As above, for the activation words/phrases "Schpadoinkle!", "Caulking!", "We've All Got Jackboots Now!", "Boot To The Head", "Football To The Groin", "Spam, Spam, Bacon Eggs And Spam", or "Mind Flayers Don't Work That Way".
5166. I will stop contemplating the nature of the half-mind flayer. Period. For good this time.
5167. This does not mean that the DM has decided to eradicate all mind flayers from existence.
5168. When the DM goes genocidal, he'll let me know in implicit detail.
5102. My Orc barbarian is allowed to scream "WAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" when he rages, but wearing red does not make him go faster, no matter how much he believes it does.
I negotiated with my DM so that once per encounter, if I scream "WAAAAAAAAGH!", my Iron Heroes Orc Berserker gets an extra rage token.
5170. I am not allowed to own a two-page list of apparently harmless and useless things that I keep in my backpack for times when "I've got an idea..."
5171. I will be summarily executed if I ever again successfully kill a BBEG with an "idea", or any other object not on the official PHB list of weapons.
5172. There will only ever be one Daern's Instant Fortress owned by the party, no matter how nifty they are as ranged weapons...
5173. Daern's Instant Fortress cannot be fired from a sling and activated by shouting really loud.
5174. I cannot use Ventrilloquism to activate Daern's Instant Fortress from across the room after sleight-of-hand-ing it into someone's backpack.
5175. I cannot put the Holy property on my Daern's Instant Fortress and refer to it as The Holy Hand Grenade...
5176. Even if the Daern's Instant Fortress does belong to me, I am not allowed to carry or use it. For the good of Humanity. And Elfity. And Dwarfity. Etc.
5178: I can not resist fear effects based on the logic, "Well, from an ewoks view, a human and an AT-AT are the same size, since I don't fear a human, I don't fear ANYTHING!"
5179: Using the force power Friendship will not let me turn the rancor into a mount... next time.
5180: If the Jedi says he will only teach me if I can beat him in a lightsaber duel, I am no longer allowed to Jedi Mind Trick him into thinking I beat him. (That guy got sooo mad.)
5175: If the battle isn't going your way, turning the engine wash over the battle field is wrong, even if most of your party survived it.
5181: I am no longer allowed to play a force sensitive ewok, ever.
5182: Not allowed to force lightning the control panel while in hyperdrive just because the party found out that I have an evil parisitic bug telling me what to do.
Some from my wife...
5183: If your group consists of a vampire and two mages, don't drag them to a huge vampire ball and shout, "but you have to let them in, they aren't mortals!"
5184: When sent to tell the other party members to stop the sidequests and get ready for the BBEG, don't spend two hours in small talk before mentioning the BBEG.
5185: Albino Wookies shouldn't eat ketchup.
and some ones I have seen over the years...
5186: Before slaughtering the cave full of kobolds just outside the city, make sure the city hasn't just hired said kobolds to build their temple.
5187: While climbing, you shouldn't wear your fullplate to "cushion the landing" if you happen to slip.
5188: No more characters who's full character description is Lone Wolf, Rebel without a Cause, or Strong and Silent.
5189: When playing GURPS, at least one character has to NOT have weirdness magnet.
5190: May not refer to your monkey companion as Johnson.
5191: May not ask random villagers if they want to see/touch/play with your Johnson.
5192: Not allowed to have monkey companions.
5193: No stranding your starwars party on pre-egyptian earth because you spent all week watching stargate and didn't plan anything for this session.
5194: Even if he DM applaudes you for taking ranks in knowledge arch/eng, he will still cry when you collapse the haunted mansion that was supposed to be two weeks of play.
5195: No, he will not give you the xp from all the encounters you "passed" by doing so.
5179: Using the force power Friendship will not let me turn the rancor into a mount... next time.
Oh, man... I'm now so very, very glad that we're not playing a Star Wars game, because I know my players would try that. And with their luck, it'd work. :surrender
5196: My warforged Warblade is not allowed to have "BRING THE PAIN" etched in large letters across his back at shoulder level.
5197: My pirate-type rogue is not allowed to name his ship The Boarding Party in hopes of making his targets more willing to be boarded.
5198: Said ship is also not allowed to fly a flag of a drunken skull with two crossed bottles of rum beneath it.
5199: There's no such thing as a railgun in Eberron.
5200: Not allowed to use Charm Monster on guardian beasts and convince them that I'm their new master and that they should attack anyone not in the party.
5201) I am NOT allowed to confuse cure and inflict. Not even by mistake.
5202) May not end campaigns with the words "You feel the ground shaking as you see a giant Tarrasque running at you."
5203) May not utter the words "You feel the ground shaking as you see a giant Tarrasque running at you."
5204) Not even when we're not playing.
5205) May not quote monks. Ever.
Railguns in Eberron... H'm. *plans for next BBEG*
Bwa ha ha! Just be careful... If your PCs get a hold of one, they'll want to use it. And according to D20 Future, railguns do 3d12 damage. Good luck.
5206: I'm not allowed to add another set of legs to my Packmate homunculus every time I give it another hit die in hopes of recreating the Luggage from Discworld.
5207: Wearing large rings on every finger is not an adequate substitute for brass knuckles, and will not allow me to be treated as armed.
5208: Taking the 'Psionic Endowment' and 'Power Penetration' feats will not make my psionic rays manifest as giant... you get the idea.
Bwa ha ha! Just be careful... If your PCs get a hold of one, they'll want to use it. And according to D20 Future, railguns do 3d12 damage. Good luck.
5206: I'm not allowed to add another set of legs to my Packmate homunculus every time I give it another hit die in hopes of recreating the Luggage from Discworld.
5207: Wearing large rings on every finger is not an adequate substitute for brass knuckles, and will not allow me to be treated as armed.
5208: Taking the 'Psionic Endowment' and 'Power Penetration' feats will not make my psionic rays manifest as giant... you get the idea.
I WANT THEM TO USE IT!!! *madness incarnate*
Also, EW at 5208.
5210) Charge towards the evil mage only armed with a stick (monk w. 9 hp + 4d6 Lightning = Near-death experience)
5213-... or even think about wishing for a cleric
5214- I am not aloud to try and heal a decapitated ally with a cure minor wounds spell.
5215-I am not aloud to avenge Jed's death...ever!
5216-I am not aloud to collect blood from a fallen ally for spell components.
5217- I am not aloud to use True Resurrection to revive Jed...
(5215- While travelling with a group of fellow students of magic, I asked the DM if I knew anybody I was traveling with. He stated that my character believed one of the student's names Jed.
On the first night away from the academy we were ambushed by alot of orcs, and I was level one. Though the fighter came in time to save the other PC and me, he had not arrived in time to save the other wizards. I ran over to the VERY dead Jed and spoke a VERY EPIC promise to avenge Jed. I had to stop though because the DM was about to make my fate similar to Jed's,
5217-Though I was able to take some of his blood that splattered on me during the fight to eventually true resurrect him)
These are all from personal experiences.
5219: Undead party members are not to be used as Golem components
5220: Living party members are not to be used as Golem components
5221: Regardless of my carrying capacity I may not have more than 10 polearms on my person at any time
5222: Keeping all my wealth in livestock is not encouraged
5223: "Roll Initiative" is not an acceptable Intimidate check
5224: I will not abuse Knowledge (the DM) Checks
5225: "Lycanthropy is always a bad thing and will be treated as such, regardless of the template bonuses"
5226: My psion will not go by Miss Cleo
5226: My clerics will not go by Mutada Al Sadir or Fred Phelps
5229: ...I'm not aloud to sit in his lap and lick him. He doesnt taste like grapes
5230: ... or wine
5231: ... or vinegar
5232: Never say they do.
5233: Never do any of this with one in the Underdark.
5234: Especially if I am a female noble surface elf. Just don't.
5234: The rouge, monk, ninja, or bard in the party can not be a "Ninja Warrior"
5235: I am not allowed to play a "Ninja Warrior" all star or rookie....bye bye japanese crab fisher man....and his brother...and the hot gas station manager.
5236: Under no circumstance am I aloud to watch "Ninja Warrior" or "Unbeatable Banzuke" before a game.
5237: My druid can not take any ranks in Craft: Scrap booking...even if it is an elf.
5238: "A little Piece of Heaven" by Avenge Sevenfold cannot be played anymore at the table...even if I DM.
5239: If we are fighting undead, I cannot have flatware or even plasticware ever again.
5240: BAWLS are banned from all games I join this is going into retroactive effect.
5241: Half dragon template does not equal reason to eat halflings, paladin or otherwise. (being hungry and CN does...Joke. )
5242: When choosing your words for a diplomacy check failure...never compare the Crown Wars to a frisbee golf contest. It ends badly.
5243: The bard cannot know any song from Avenue Q.
5244: Never again going to stalk,tackle,and procede to politely ask if the dragon marked elf female under me is a Suicide Girl.
5245: When there is a bi Feyblooded Elf and a bi Half Celestial Androgynous Bard in the bar do not bet the plot needed magic item in a contest based on who can take more people to bed.
5246: Never again will I give the albino black bear dyed green that is an animal companion to a PC chocolate covered coffee beans
5247: Can not bring chocolate covered coffee beans to any game run by someone I am not dating.
5248: Can not kill the BBEG with a contraceptive ever again.
5249: In coastal campaigns I can not ask aqua elves about the sensitivity of their gill slits.
5250: Never again allowed an attractive, sexual character in a mature campaign who knows the moves but lacks all understanding of innuendo if the party wants her to seduce anyone.
5251: I can not open a Whataburger in Calmiport.
5252: With my character sheet I can not give my DM a Natal chart for my character. None I have played with know enough about astrology to care past "Is this a Tattoo?"
5253: Never again aloud to recreate the scene behind the purple mountain door in Dragon Quest 8. Even if I can.
5254: Can not give the misogynistic Warlord's daughter any magic items i made personally...
5256: Not even to replace a missing mini.
5256: Lesson nr. 1 in amateur D&D gaming: Don't juggle with open coke bottles over the tables.
5258. If it does,I am not allowed to go back in time and wipe out the skywalker bloodine under the excusew of finally bringing peace to the universe.
5259. in the D20 modern game, the players are not allowed to use headcrabs as wepaons aginst NPCS
5260. My charcter does not suddenly look up in the sky and say "God is talking!" when the GM starts to say something.
5260. My charcter does not suddenly look up in the sky and say "God is talking!" when the GM starts to say something.
Don't do it.
My players have done that too. A lot of times.
It's annoying, and it will end with you getting eaten by an advanced 30-headed half-dragon half-fiend half-farspawn Tarrasque.
(damn, I miss the old template-mixing days of 3.5)
This is roughly what one of my players said after seeing the picture of Aundair's queen in the "Five Nations" book. :D
5263: No longer allowed to play a changeling Illusionist.
5264: No longer allowed to play an Illusionist period.
5265: No longer allowed to play a changeling period.
5266: If the DM asks me for a name in the backstory, my character is no longer unable to remember as a result "of the drunken haze of his youth."
5267: Not allowed to, as artificer, create piercings of power.
5268: Most definitely not allowed to wear said piercings(male).
5269: No, the halfnaked barbarian shifter doesn't have to go topless to equip them, even if she chooses to.
5270: Not allowed to make the warforged an enchanted mohawk.
5271: Not allowed to make it anatomically correct.
5262-5266 from one game, 5267-5271 from another.
5272: I am not allowed to 'play with my food'...
5273: I am not allowed to negotiate with the Sabbat again...
5274: I am not allowed to play any of the 'in a box' characters...
5275: ESPECIALLY 'Malk-in-a-box'...
5276: I am not allowed to make any character that can out-hack the Technocracy Mainframe...
5277: Especially one that can do this with a graphing-calculator and a USB line...
5278: I am not allowed to make a 'starting' Tremere that 'take-out' a 5th-gen Toreador by playing with the car's disco ball and staking them with a pencil...
5279: I am not allowed to base ANY character off ANY politician...
5280: Especially just to get them killed horribly...
5281: ESPECIALLY by taunting 'The Riptide'...
5282: I am not allowed to own a Barret...
5283: Especially a 'smart' one...
5284: No more Shadowrun tech in World of Darkness...
5285: Not even VR shirts...
5286: NO VR HAIR!! I DON'T CARE HOW WELL YOU ROLL!!!
5287: I am not allowed to swan-dive off the 1000' cliff just to beat Ike to the 'Haddies'... ((Cookie for the reference...))
5288: Especially if I Earthmeld when I hit the ground...
5289: And kill one on the way out of the dirt...
And now for something completely-different!
5300: I am no longer allowed to awaken my familiar JUST to avoid XP loss...
5301: I am no longer allowed to have my unawakened-familiar gain XP to 'gain a few levels as a Sorcerer'...
5302: I am no longer allowed to have my familiar gain the Ocular Spell feat...
5303: I am no longer allowed to have an awakened former-familiar as a cohort...
5304: I am no longer allowed to have my awakened former-familiar gain XP to 'gain a few levels as a Sorcerer'...
5305: I am no longer allowed to have my awakened former-familiar gain the Ocular Spell feat...
5306: I am no longer allowed to have any Laser-Eyed Sorcerer-Kittens...
5307: Or weasels...
5308: Or lizards...
5309: Or ravens...
5310: I am no longer allowed to have anything that uses the newly-dubbed 'Laser-Eyed' template...
5311: I am no longer allowed to awaken anything...
5312: Especially the Palidin's mount...
5313: Or his pants...
5314: Especially not his underwear... (The screaming was unbearable...)
5315: Whenever we are in the presence of Skeletor McEvilFace Sancheezi's character WILL be silent either willingly or by magical-means...
5316: I am no longer allowed to make deals with Skeletor McEvilFace...
5317: Or his cronies...
5318: Or his janitor...
5319: Or any BBEG...
5320: Ever again...
5321: Especially in Ravenloft...
5322: I am no longer allowed to Gate the party into Ravenloft instead of Elysium...
5323: Or the Second Hell...
5324: Or the Forth Hell...
5325: Or to ANY of the Nine Hells...
5326: I am no longer allowed to Gate the party if there is another viable-option...
5327: There is always another option...
5328: I am no longer allowed to go into any PrC ever...
5329: I am no longer allowed to make / buy any items out of anything other than the PHB, DMG, or MIC...
5330: I am only allowed to use spells out of the Spell Compendium if I allow the DM to think about the possible consequences of said spells...
5331: If said thinking takes more than a minute it means 'NO'...
5332: I am no longer allowed to create thousands of gallons of Alchemist's Fire...
5333: Or Beads of Force by the hundreds..
5334: Or shrink 5332 or 5333 down and rig then with an Exploding Spike...
5335: Especially in the Undermountain / Underdark...
5336: I am no longer allowed to stockpile Exploding Runes.
5337: Especially when it is on Copper Coins...
5338: Scattering said coins around the Goblin / Orc Stronghold / Camp while Invisible is NOT the most fair courses of action... But it is not forbidden... ... Yet...
5339: I am no longer allowed to research the magical disease 'Hiccats'...
5340: I am no longer allowed to make the spell 'Power Word: Hiccat'...
Almost all of these are either things done by someone in our gaming group (in the vast majority of examples me) on the spur of insanity, or were inspired to do from some other source. Nevertheless, they all happened. A few were just discussion, but most went to full-blown execution – usually with horrible consequences, hence why the list mentions me having so many different characters. Our game world seemed to possess an anomalous number of necromancers who would show up mysteriously every time my character died to ninja all his/her possessions and prevent resurrection. It was a mystery we never solved.
5341- I am not “The Boom King”.
5342- I will not seek out others not my own size, and pick on them purely in defiance of that saying.
5343- Not allowed to have my character speak entirely in song lyrics.
5344- Just because my Enchantment specialist is leading the party at the moment does not grant me the right to introduce the group as “Mindf***er and Pals”.
5345- When the Paladin then promptly takes command of the party over this, the group’s name does not automatically become “Sergeant Bringdown and the Buzzkills”.
5346- “Fast-talk GM” is not a skill, power, feat, or merit of mine, let alone of my character.
5347- Not allowed to name my character anything that was suggested on Mystery Science Theatre 3000.
5348- Rocket-Propelled Chainsaws, while awesome, do not exist anywhere – especially not in classic D&D.
5349- My character is perfectly capable of rational thought.
5350- I am to stop describing the Rogue “half OJ Simpson and half OJ Simpson in a bottle of Southern Comfort”.
5351- The character concepts “Paladin” and “Sociopath” are mutually exclusive.
5352- Not allowed to Dominate people for the hell of it.
5353- The Sleep spell is not for disrupting the daily life of random NPCs, nor is it for silencing dissent of my latest brush with insanity I have the gall to call a plan.
5354- Not allowed to go mad without power.
5355- Not allowed to gain power solely so that I can go mad with it.
5356- No playing keep-away with the cleric’s holy symbol.
5357- Not allowed to forge royal decrees declaring “mandatory meatloaf day” in a town populated entirely by vegetarians.
5358- The GM’s decisions do not have to be ratified by a two-thirds majority, nor may I call for a second opinion from another GM.
5359- Just because I’m running the game for the usual GM while he’s attending a wedding, does not give me the power to lift any of his bans.
5360- The Wish spell does not have the power to let me roll skill checks with a d30.
5361- No responding to the monster’s slavering gibberish with, “Yeah? Well f*** you too!”
5362- My character being on a boat in no way requires me to use words that would make a drunken pirate tell me to watch my language.
5363- One battle with an illusory foe does not justify disbelieving the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the furnishings, any creatures, the air, the gravity in the room, etc… for every room I enter or thing I encounter from then on.
5364- Not allowed to “disbelieve that the room is devoid of enemies” in an attempt to thwart the Invisibility spell.
5365- There is now an upper limit to the number of things my character can disbelieve in one round.
5366- If the GM stares at me open-mouthed for a full minute, I am to assume that whatever I just did is henceforth banned.
5367- Any character whose mere existence violates any international treaties is vetoed.
5368- My character that’s immune to everything is not immune to being vetoed.
5369- The Buffy Speak is to stop right now.
5370- “Dennis the Peasant” is not my lord and savior, and I am to cease any attempts to convert commoners to “his way of endirtenment”.
5371- My character is not cuckoo for anything.
5372- The Paladin and party spokesman puts neither the “ass” in “ambassador”, nor the “dip” in “diplomat”.
5373- The party Paladin’s title is “Shining-heart”, not “God’s Gift to the Enemy”.
5374- I am to stop using the words “honor” and “stupidity” interchangeably.
5375- I am to cease all attempts to make the Paladin fall.
5376- No complaining that the Paladin killed me.
5377- Not allowed to play a pleasant and even-tempered Paladin solely to spite the guy who played the last one.
5378- Not allowed to have Phase One of every plan be “Set the elf on fire”.
5379- Psychopathy is not a superpower; as such, my character does not need to shout “By the Power of Self-Interest!” before leaving an NPC to die.
5380- The beggars are not involved in an elaborate scheme to seize the throne; therefore, it is wrong to try to beat information about said non-existent plot out of them.
5381- “Or I’ll take you off my Christmas card list” is not a valid threat.
5382- Not allowed to claim my pregenerated elf character was “Sculpted by the calloused hands of Satan himself from graveyard dirt and blood, powered by the pain of a thousand tortured souls, and was cured in the fires of hell for twenty minutes or until golden brown” in an attempt to make him seem more butch.
5383- I am never again to refer to mind-controlling someone as “Dominating his ass”.
5384- I am to stop minmaxing characters for generic tasks like baking and digging trenches.
5385- In acquiescing with the above, I am not allowed to create a combat monster that’s “maxmined for mercy”.
5386- Not allowed to own a Necklace Of Fireballs, especially if I’m a mage that’s immune to fire.
5387- Not allowed within 500 yards of any 3ed party source book.
5388- My necromancer will not publish a book called “The Survivor’s Guide to Undead Uprisings” filled with mostly good information and tips, but also several critical errors that will result in anyone who reads it being certain to be killed in such a situation, all in an attempt to make overtaking the city child’s play for me.
5389- “Conspiracy to commit loitering” is not a valid reason for arresting someone.
5390- When the GM demands to know why my character is trying to seduce the king, my answer damn well better not be “Why not?”
5391- My "Fairy's Sword" does not glow in the presence of homosexuals. And even if it did, I would be prohibited from using this to my advantage to hit on NPCs without risk of being punched in the face.
5392- Never again am I to be allowed to have a bisexual character.
5393- Not allowed to perform special combat maneuvers just so I can go to the bathroom while the GM looks up the rules for it, and tries to fathom what scheme I’m trying to implement by doing it.
5394- My cleric’s cause cannot be: “Ruining the good name of Clerics everywhere”.
5395- Not allowed to just pay “lip-questing’ to my Geas until I can get it removed.
5396- Protection from Boring Speeches is not a real spell.
5397- The Protection from Evil spell does not have a proven contraceptive effect.
5398- My character is not allowed to be a bigger bastard than the BBEG.
5399- Not allowed my own personal Cloak of Darkness just so I can say I came into town under it.
5400- “It seemed like a good idea at the time” is not a valid blanket excuse for all of my actions.
5401- My character is not “the four time, All Comers Paint-Drinking champion of the world”.
5402- When fighting a pair of monks known as the “Lee Brothers”, I am not to suggest their first names are “Ug” and “Home”. (Yes, I referenced that stinker)
5403- My combined Wisdom and Intelligence scores being equal to 10 is not a valid excuse for my actions.
5404- My Bard is required to know at least one song.
5405- The song cannot be “The Ballad of Eskimo Nell”, “The Good Ship Venus”, “Barnacle Bill the Sailor”, “The Woodpecker’s Hole” or anything in a similar vein.
5406- Also, while we’re on the subject: my Bard singing them does not require that I do so as well for the sake of verisimilitude.
5407- “Armpit” is not a valid choice of Bard instrument.
5408- No longer allowed to play a Bard.
5409- Before going to sleep for the night, not allowed to put all my valuable possessions in my bag of holding and tie it to my ********* as a theft alarm system.
5410- I am to stop with the confounding multiple negatives. (“I won't not promise to avoid refraining from harming you”.)
5411- I am to stop asking every king I meet the identity of The Man in the Iron Mask.
5412- “Auxiliary Henchwench” is not an appropriate title for a follower.
5413- Not allowed to make a Wu-Jen that knows no wood spells, possesses the “cannot eat meat” taboo, and name him “Aang”.
5414- My Lawful Evil character that’s using an elaborate ruse to make people think a castle is haunted while he robs it cannot take the feat “Immunity: Meddling Kids”.
5415- I am not to refer to the queen as “The Royal Baby Oven” regardless of the traditional role of female members of the monarchy.
5416- Our helicopter is not a “US-69 Cockhawk”. (That's US as in "us" not U.S. Oh, and what gives forum board? I can't type test*cles but I can type "Cockhawk"?)
5417- The four classical elements are not; fire, napalm, plasma, and more fire.
5418- No naming the fire spell specialist “Jaya Ballard – Task Mage”, (I’m still amazed our GM caught that reference so fast; he doesn't play Magic).
5419- Just because I’m a 6’3” nearly 300 pound part-time bouncer in real life doesn’t mean I’m contractually obligated to intimidate the GM on other player’s behalf; and charging for this service is right out. (I wish to be clear that this is not something I ever actually did, we were joking around and my job came up, and it sort of came about from there).
5420- Not allowed to build a character completely around using Expansion to enlarge himself up to Huge, and whirlwind attacking with a spiked chain – resulting in an attack on everything within a 30’ radius of him, with a strength bonus from the new size to boot.
5421- Not allowed to name the above character “Maimy McBlendington”.
5422- No more dead body sledding, valid reason or not.
5423- Not allowed to kill plot relevant NPCs just because I think their accent is annoying.
5424- No longer allowed to take any liberties with accents.
5425- Not allowed to show up in costume if it’s not a LARP, this applies triple if my “costume” consists entirely of underwear and a cowboy hat.
5426- Not allowed to shanghai NPCs into the party as cannon-fodder.
5427- My character is not capable of getting over his grief for a fallen friend in under 30 seconds.
5428- I will not create a character optimized for stealing hats.
5429- Not allowed, just before unveiling my new character, to wink knowingly at the GM and say “you're going to veto this guy so fast you’ll get brain whiplash”.
5430- Not allowed to set traps on the Rogue’s belongings just to keep him in practice.
5431- No referring to the list of the GM’s nerfs, bannings, and restrictions as “my baby”.
5432- Not allowed to deliberately afflict myself with Insanity as an excuse.
5433- The Chaotic Neutral alignment is not a blank check to loosen my screws.
5434- The Enlarge spell cannot target a single part of the body; this issue is closed.
5435- Rolling a natural 1 twice in a row does not require me to examine all the dice with a micrometer.
5436- I do not have the authority to commandeer a police vehicle.
5437- I am not to simply assume the king’s advisor is evil and kill him in our first meeting to save time.
5438- If my character ever speaks in rhyme again, even “accidentally”, he dies.
5439- “Anti-Dad” is not an appropriate superhero concept.
5440- The following things are not “o’clocks”: Beer, Shirtless, Thoughtlessness, Sarcasm, Angst, Clock, Barfight, or Recreational Drug Use.
5441- Broken characters are not their own reward.
5442- I do not feed off the GM’s anger, so I should stop behaving as though I do.
5443- Not allowed to proffer someone the Deck of Many Things with the words “Pick a card, any card”.
5444- If I get the card that grants Wish from the Deck of Many Things, I cannot have it be that the next person to draw a card gets “The Void”. This especially applies in conjunction with the above.
5445- The player with the most vetoed characters is not “winning”.
5446- If I go down, I am not to try to take the city with me.
5447- I am required to tell the GM what I’m rolling for prior to seeing the result.
5448- Not allowed to have a character with a ludicrous number of odd and specific fetishes and name him “Roal Tiertay Sioux”, (try saying it aloud if you don’t get it right away).
5449- And he certainly doesn’t have a brother who collects artwork named “Roal Tiertay Foore”, or an artistic daughter named “Roal Tiertay Phife” to carry on the legacy.
5450- And on that subject there is no such thing as “The Clan for Chan”, that they all belong to. Seriously, knock it off.
5451- Not allowed to name my Cleric “Father Badtouch”.
5452- I am to stop interpreting flavor text literally.
5453- No matter how well I roll, I can’t punch someone in the face over a broadband connection.
5454- Not allowed to ask, upon entering a room that hasn’t been described yet, “So what’s in here besides flavor text?”
5455- Nor to add after the room is described, “That sounded suspiciously like flavor text”.
5456- Not allowed, under any circumstances, to drink until the orc chicks are hot.
5457- The rest of the group does not need me to give them a graphic description of what my character and the barmaid are doing upstairs together.
5458- My character’s name is not an internet handle; therefore, I do not need to amend numbers to the end of it.
5459- “Exotic Weapon Proficiency: Jar o’ Bees” is not a feat.
5460- When the BBEG monologues his plan to me, I’m not allowed to tell him how he could have accomplished the same goal with less time, effort and expense. Especially if after I explain my way I’m advised to seek counseling.
5461- Not allowed to justify my sheer unbridled horribleness by claiming my character suffers from “bouts of psychopathy” – more than once.
5462- If it would result in an in-game change to foreign or domestic policy, I’m not allowed to do it.
5463- “The Man from Nantucket” is not a valid character concept.
5464- I am to stop taking “Loonball” as a complement.
5465- I am not to turn everything into a double entendre. (If anyone's curious, the straw that broke the camel's back was “I’ll show you a double standard honey!”).
5466- When the GM tells me to stop doing something, he means now.
5467- Not allowed to add “if you know what I mean” in a suggestive tone to the end of everything I say so it sounds dirty.
5468- My Street Samurai is not entitled to two week’s paid vacation a year.
5469- Not allowed to stop the clock so the GM doesn’t realize how late it is and cuts short the session mid combat – even if all the other players whole-heartedly endorsed the idea.
5470- My character is not allowed to own more guns than he has teeth.
5471- “True Chaotic” is not a real alignment – apt though it may be.
5472- Not allowed to use Telekinesis to win ball games.
5473- Not allowed to make a Barbarian that faints at the sight of blood, a Rogue that’s afraid of the dark, and especially not a Wizard that breaks out in hives when exposed to magic.
5474- Not allowed to ask the GM if his mother rocked him too close to the wall whenever he makes a ruling.
5475- Not allowed to poke the GM.
5476- Not allowed off my meds. (I’m not actually on any, my GM just stated this and I thought it was funny).
5477- All the vowels in my characters name cannot be silent.
5478- My character is not allowed to go on the dole, even if he is, technically, unemployed.
5479- My Assassin does not have a boner for murder.
5480- My Assassin cannot constantly “study” party members on the off chance they might attack him.
5481- That Death Attack is not “burning a hole in my sheath”.
5482- No matter how well I roll, my alchemist cannot synthesize human pheromones.
5483- The answer to any question posed by city guardsmen is not Power Word: Stun.
5484- Not allowed to make a character with commoner levels and name him “El Foddero”.
5485- If the urge to dance The Funky White Boy ever strikes me again, I am to suppress it.
5486- Not allowed to hide the GM’s sourcebooks so we don’t have to fight monsters from them.
5487- The proper response to “Take X damage” is not “Make me”.
5488- Not allowed to ask the princess if she puts out before deciding whether or not to rescue her.
5489- My Fighter is not narcoleptic, and got plenty of sleep last night; therefore, he can’t take a nap in the middle of combat.
5490- A “+4 Tent” does not mean my elf gets a full night’s trance in zero hours by using it.
5491- Enchanting a “+2 Mellon Baller” is a poor use of XP.
5492- My GM impression is to stop immediately.
5493- Playing as a race that has only four fingers on each hand should not cut my vocabulary in half.
5494- If my new character is capable of wiping out the entire population of a major city at first level, I’d better believe he’s vetoed.
5495- Racial substitution levels are never to be mentioned again.
5496- Actually, the GM can handle the truth; he just thinks it’s retarded.
5497- Not allowed to attempt to tunnel through the planet.
5498- Blowing up the moon is not an acceptable method of ending the werewolf threat.
5499- If I open an inter-planer travel agency, I am required to: provide return trips; place its “Hub” somewhere other than the Elemental Plane of Fire; and when giving an advertising pitch for it, not end it with the words “survival not guaranteed, implied, or likely.” spoken quickly under my breath.
5500- Not allowed to invent “Tyrian Rock”, where every song is clearly just a bawdy limerick with all the objectionable words swapped out with references to justice. (“There once was a Paladin from Nantucket…” “I’m gonna stop you right there.”)
5501- A Monk titled: “The walker of one-thousand twilights, sacred brother Stone Cold Steve AUSTIN!” is not appropriate, nor clever.
5502- No rye at the game table.
5503- Not allowed to sovereign glue the Fighter’s sword in its sheath.
5504- I do not have the power to fire the GM. Either from his position, or out of a cannon into the sun.
5505- Not allowed to refer to Silverymoon as a “miserable craphole that you’d have to clean up to condemn”.
5506- Cormyr does not have a Fifth Amendment.
5507- When a grateful town offers me a house on a quiet street corner as a reward, not allowed to rename the two cross streets just so I can live on the corner of Strange and Bizarre.
5508- Not allowed to lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
5509- My Forgotten Realms dwarf is not from Dyersville, Iowa.
5510- No matter how high my character’s charisma score, his being naked does not inflict dazzle in a 20’ radius.
5511- Being gay does not render me immune to the Succubus’ Charm spell. Especially if this is the first the GM is hearing about it and my character’s previous actions don’t reflect it at all.
5512- The GM was not sent to our group by disgruntled Christian fundamentalists with the orders to torpedo fun at any cost, and it’s mean to suggest so.
5513- My Monk cannot be a practitioner of Krav Maga, or any other fighting style that actively encourages sucker punches and hitting them when they’re down.
5514- Humming the Indiana Jones theme does not confer my Lasher with any kind of bonus; and if I do it again, he dies. (It didn’t help when I started ad-libbing the lyrics "Eat a monkey, ride a horse. Eat a monkey, ride a hor-sy horse” either.)
5515- When the sergeant starts yelling a ½ inch from my face about “momma not bein’ here no more”, not allowed to chuckle and say in a cutesy voice, “Awww, you actually think you’re intimidating don’t you? That’s so cute!” under penalty of severe beatings both in, and out of game.
5516- When the king asks a question of my character while he’s hitting on a NPC chick, not allowed to reply, “Shush, the adults are talking now”.
5517- Just because my character can shapeshift to look like anyone, does not give him the right to start a celebrity porno website.
5518- If I spot a plot hole or wild improbability in the story, I am to quietly inform the GM in private, not loudly announce it to the whole table and ask how he could have possibly missed it.
5519- Having jokes so bad they cause physical pain is not an acceptable superpower.
5520- When the GM gets mad, no likening his face to a balloon full of raspberry jam.
5521- The party sorceress is to stop referring to her boyfriend as “The walking c**k that talks”.
5522- If “The Blasphemaster” is ever an appropriate nickname for my character, he dies.
5523- My Call of Cthulhu character cannot blind himself intentionally 2 minutes into the adventure.
5524- Not allowed to re-enact anything that occurred The Night Pat Murphy Died.
5525- When a new player to the group asks what led to all the items on this list, not allowed to point to myself with both thumbs and proudly say that I happened.
5526- Not allowed to say I’m exited to get the session started because “guess what I just found out is explosive?”
5527- Not allowed to refer to the Fighter’s weapon as a “killamajig” just because I can’t remember what he actually wields.
5528- The party being joined by a female cleric of Sune does not make it my moral duty to exclaim “Hellloooooo NURSE!”
5529- I am no longer allowed to quote anything.
5530- I am to stop describing things as “looking like an [X] f***ed a [Y]”. (Our GM often draws things to give us an idea what it looks like, but he can’t draw worth a damn. I believe the final nail was “like a camel f***ed a Buick” in reference to an quadrupedal robot thing a bit like an AT-AT).
5531- If my character has had the word “Killer” tattooed on his face, claiming “it was supposed to have ‘in bed’ at the end but the artist ran out of ink” ain’t gonna fly.
5532- My Ninja claw-master is not allowed to call everyone “bub”.
5533- If there’s a soldier named Will, not allowed to ask if I can see his collection of Purple Hearts.
5534- Under no circumstances am I allowed to buy ranks in Profession (Lumberjack).
5535- The GM modifying monsters to remove the advantage of the entire group having read all the Monster Manuals is not unfair, let alone “against God”.
5536- Singing is now expressly forbidden at the table.
5537- Not allowed to play a redneck, blueneck or any other kind of ‘neck.
5538- A little fire has hurt plenty of people.
5539- A gift basket of porn is not the standard bribe for gate guards, nor is there a book called “The Bribery Desk-Reference” that I looked it up in.
5540- If I need to roll a 19 or 20 to hit a monster, I cannot declare that I’m “rolling to not shoot it” and claim that means I hit on a 1-18.
5541- Not allowed to claim my lifelong dream is to do all of the above in one session.
Question, though: “Roal Tiertay Sioux." Saying it out loud nets me "Role Tear-tay Sue," although from the next one one the list I assume the "Sioux" is supposed to be "Six." What's the reference?
I know it doesn't pronounce right the way it's spelled, but I was trying to slip the name passed the GM without saying it aloud. Sadly he caught it pretty quick. He's had a lot of experience dealing with me...
4528) 4534) I am not to refer to the DM's campaign as "The Adventures of Captain Generic in the Land of Blatant Cliches"
5542 - Nor "Captain Bland's Monotonous Adventure".
5543 - Not allowed to take a drink every time I’m told I’m not allowed to do something.
5544 - Transmute Stone to Spam is not a real spell.
5545 - Nor is Locate Plot Hook.
5546 - Not allowed to spam my god with utterly pointless prayers. ("Lord bless this fallen log" for example.)
5547 - Even if the last five names I suggested for him were vetoed, I must come up with a less lazy name for my dwarf than “Beardly Axeington of Axebeardia”.
5548 - The Arcane Archer’s Seeker Arrow power is now restricted to normal arrows only. (In case you’re wondering, Seeking with a Human Slaying Arrow on an end-of-campaign boss that was a primary caster [ie: lousy fortitude saves]. The GM probably would have fudged it and said he made the save, but he had the poor sense to make the roll where we could all see it.)
5549 - I am to stop referring to the party’s Arcane Archer as “Mojo Bow Joe”.
5550 - My Church Inquisitor cannot be from Spain. End of f***ing discussion.
5551 - A keg is not an acceptable familiar.
5552 - Not allowed to own more sourcebooks than the GM and only ask if I can use things from them without ever showing him the other contents. ("So, can my Wizard take Reality Maelstrom? ...Don't just flip through the rest of the book without asking. [snatching book away] Get away from that monster section!")
5553 - Mind-boggling is possible, Lymphatic-System-Boggling is not.
5554 - Not allowed to base my character off any of the GM's childhood fears.
5555 - Or ex-girlfriends.
5556 - Yo-Yo tricks do not impress the royal family.
More insanity as it manifests, or is remembered.
(Sorry about the double post)
5558-and no I'm not allowed to do it in the tavern either...
5559 - The Cormyrian Purple Dragons do not have a live mascot, nor may I summon one for them.
5560 - It is not acceptable for my character to claim Guybrush Threepwood is his role model.
5561 - If my gnome’s patron saint is MacGyver, I’m not allowed to complain when the GM spends 20 minutes thinking before he’ll let me buy 200 feet of rope, 1000 square feet of canvas, or any amount of Sovereign Glue.
5562 - Not allowed to ask why Power Word spells take a standard action to cast despite the fact they they’re only one word and talking is a free action.
5563 - If I ever again use the phrase "Git 'er done", even ironically, I will be asked to leave the group.
5564 - I cannot take the flaw "Addiction (Phonics)".
5565 - If my GM ever gives a talk at a convention to teach new tabletopers how to DM, under NO circumstances am I to attend so I can give the newbies dubious advice and heckle him. (Boy was he adamant about this one. Can't imagine why).
5566 - "I didn't kill him, blood loss did" is not going to get me off with the city guard.
5567 - Even if the rules allow it, and no matter what I roll, I cannot hop a motorbike over the Sears Tower from ground level.
5568 - "Immunity (Cliché)" is not a feat.
5569 - Nor is there a feat "Genre Savvy" that grants a +5 bonus against all plot contrivances.
5570 - I cannot roll to kill the campaign, even if it is "monstrous".
5571 - Not allowed to charge my spouse rent.
5572 - It is not acceptable for my character's name to always be spoken with reverb.
5573 - Not allowed to bring a music player to the game and use it to add musical stings wherever I feel they're appropriate.
5574 - Not allowed to cast Continual Flame on the Rogue just because he was irritating me with his bragging about how high he got his hide skill.
5575 - My Church Inquisitor's battle cry cannot be: "Let he who is without sin, kick the first ass!"
5576 - I am not to try to put the "fun" in "funeral".
5577 - "liquor is quicker, but threats are the best", is a poor dating method.
5578 - An INT 22 character with a British accent and a love of the theater is usually fine, but not if it's a troll. ("Well shatter my skull! That's a sticker for you old boy?" "And the voice stops now.")
5579 - My mage is to cease all attempts to Charm, Dominate, or Otto's Irresistible Dance his way towards turning the campaign's story into a musical.
5580 - My choice of character's names is now restricted to those given in the race's description.
5581 - The spell is called "Geas/Quest", not "Summon Railroad VI"
5582 - The GM does not have an alignment, and even if he did it wouldn't be "Lawful Unfair".
5583 - Just because my character is a womanizer with ranks in the Doctor skill does not make him a "General Harasstitioner".
5584 - My character cannot have the flaw: "Quotes Monty Python Incessantly", all of my characters do that.
5585 - The adventuring group is not a catch-and-release experiment on PC migration habits; therefore, It's wrong to knock out members, tag them, and then and dump them alone in the wilderness.
5586 - "I Statements" do not always prevent fights, especially at the table.
5587 - My INT 6 Half-Orc Barbarian does not have any of the following words in his vocabulary: "Okie-dokie", "Whoopsadaisy", "Golly-gee", "Wilikers", or "Fiddlesticks".
5588 - Not allowed to leave the "gender" line on my character sheet blank until an opportunity when one or the other could help me pops up.
5589 - The GM does not own a "Decanter of Endless Loose-Ends".
5590 - My Shadowdancer is not voiced by Michael Ironside.
5591 - A Silenced and Stilled Charm Person on the judge is not a standard legal tactic. Nor is a similarly meta-magicked Dominate Person an acceptable Plan B.
5592 - There is no such thing as a "paternity by combat" trial.
5593 - Not allowed to name my character "Candlejack" and always stop talking suddenly in the middle of explaining what he's doi-
5595 - I am no longer allowed to fall in a hole with skeletons for half a hour of our game time. Apparently it isn't "Funny" to the other players
5596 - I am no longer allowed to make PCs with Death Wishes...
5597 - I am no longer allowed to lead the party, because of my overly ambitious goals (See... "Sure, We'll take on an army by ourselves!")
5599 - If any phase of my plan involves stuffing the halfling full of Peyote, it automatically fails.
5600 - Ranks in "Profession (Janitor)" does not automatically make my character a sadistic bastard.
5601 - Not allowed to pick up dice with my feet. (Our GM has some kind of inexplicable aversion to feet.)
5602 - The verbal component of Calm Emotions is not "Whose a good boy den?"
5603 - Not allowed to befriend every NPC just so that if they're killed, my character can morn the loss for cheap role-playing XP.
5604 - Not allowed to invent "quests" such as "buy a bagel", and demand story XP for "completing" them.
5605 - Short of Dissociative Identity Disorder, it is not possible to play D&D by yourself.
5606 - When the annoying Health-foody player suggests I increase my Iron and Zinc intake for the sake of my physical health, not allowed to suggest he increase his Lithium intake for the sake of the group's sanity.
5607 - My character's medication is not candy; therefore it's wrong to give some to random NPC children claiming it is.
5608 - Detect Willingness To F*** is not a real spell.
5609 - Not allowed to convince the rest of the group to name our characters "Who", "What", and "I Don't Know" so we can do the Abbot and Costello routine with every gate guard who demands we state our name and business.
(A rough transcription of the events follows:
GM as Guard: "Halt! State your names."
Who: "Who."
What: "What."
I Don't Know: "I Don't Know."
Gm as Guard: "What? You don't know your own name?"
What: "Huh? Of course I do, it's what"
GM as Guard: "I wasn't talking to you sir, but while were on the subject what's your name?"
What: "Right."
GM as Guard: "What's right?"
What: "Yup."
GM as Guard: "...Let's try this again. Who are you?"
What: "No, Who's that guy."
GM as Guard: "I don't know!"
I Don't Know: "Yes?"
GM as Guard: "Who are you?"
Who: "No, I'm Who."
GM as Guard: "How the hell should I know?!" [Pause, now no longer speaking in character] "Let me see those character sheets." [Pause while he reads the names] "...You guy's are DI**S.")
5610 - "Perform (Yodel)" is never to be mentioned again.
5611 - Playing a role-playing game should involve at least some role-playing.
5612 - As a rule, deep philosophical debates do not end with the words: "Shut it D***wad".
5613 - "Yakety Sax" is never appropriate gaming music.
5614 - Not allowed to make a superhero based on the GM called "The Nerfanator".
5616: Using Countersong on another bard's song does not mean that I'm doing a remix or mash-up. Unless we're playing D20 Modern.
5617: There is no such thing as a Fart Elemental.
5618: Temples of virgin priestesses do not have swimsuit competitions.
5619: "Dwarfs Illustrated" is not a real magazine, and I'm not selling subscriptions. There is especially not a swimsuit issue.
5620: No bumper stickers on airships.
5623 - No the GM will NOT rethink that decision no matter what justification I give.
5624 - The party is not required to follow "Ape Law".
5625 - Not allowed to do or suggest anything that causes the GM's next words to be "What did I JUST say".
5626 - I am required to make at least one coherent, rational, and feasible plan during the course of a session.
5627 - "I hope you die of something venereal" is not an appropriate greeting for royalty.
5628 - Not allowed to question why my character has to stand in the corner facing the wall until the rest of the party is done talking to the king.
5629 - Despite the staggering amount of evidence I've collected to the contrary, shame and pregnancy are not technically STD's.
5632 - No longer allowed to play a Kender Wizard. Ever.
5633 - No longer allowed to play a naked Kender. Ever.
The-Mage-King,
Kender are a race native to the Dragonlance setting and can be found in the Dragonlance Campaign Setting. They're a difficult race to play due to their constant energy and overly-joyful & somewhat annoying persona. I personally love them and never get tired of them. I actually tried playing one that was a rogue who managed to sit still long enough to learn the rudiments of magic (he was a second level wizard). The party had two real wizards from the Tower of High Sorcery and they did not appreciate his constantly changing between white, red, and black robes and acting out his idea of good, neutral, and evil wizards (good, neutral, and evil through the eyes of a child. . . so he'd hatch plans like a kindergardener). . . they ended up taking away his clothes I think. I believe I was the only amused one. Anyway, Kender racial traits are:
+2 Dex, -2 Str & Wis, Small, +1 (Racial) Saving Throws, +2 (Racial) Spot, Open Locks, and Sleight of Hand (Can use Open Locks and Sleight of Hand untrained), Lack of Focus: -4 (Racial) to Concentration checks, Taunt: A verbal barrage of sarcasm and crude comments which translates to a +4 (Racial) to Bluff checks used to taunt someone, Fearlessness: Immune to Fear (Magical or otherwise), Favored Class: Rogue.
5634: I will not show the Kender Rogue a shiny gold coin and throw it down the trap ladden hallway.
5636: I am no longer allowed to create two teleport circles bisecting eachother at right angles, and then triggering them at the same time.
5639: Not allowed to abridge the GM's flavor text for the other players.
5641: attempting to worship Jon Stewart as a deity does not grant Smartassery as an Extraordinary Ability.
5642: attempting to worship John Woo as a deity does not automatically grant Two-Weapon Fighting and Weapon Focus (Crossbow). It also does not grant the ability to use Summon Nature's Ally to summon a flock of white doves.
5643: as DM, I am not allowed to make the players wear funny hats appropriate to their PCs.
5644: as DM, I am not allowed to wear a jester's cap while DMing, especially during the BBEG's monologue.
5645: "Mysterious Purple Blast" stays in the World of Warcraft D20 sourcebook where it belongs.
5647: I cannot make Gatling Djorles.
5648: I am no longer to start playing Go Green Ranger Go whenever the Elvish Ranger enters combat alone.
5646: Despite what work I may have put into the character, I am, in fact, not the Terror that Flaps in the Night.
Great - I've tried that too ;)
5649 I am no longer allowed to play a red wizard, as if there is something wrong in calling people from the party my dear comrades and speaking with Brezhnev-like voice.
5650.) I am no longer allowed to listen to Green Days "Boluevard of Broken Dreams" during character creation. Especially if I'm making a Death Master.
5654.) The same goes for a Knight riding a Hydra.
5655.) And Sorcerer/Monks.
5656.) No 'Flayin' Inqusition' either.
5657.) Whatever the situation, no summoning the 'Killer Bunny'.
5658.) Even if you have to fight knights.
5659.) My bard is not allowed to sing 'Sir Robin' with slight changes to the name.
5660.)Especially at the Barbarian
5662 - Not allowed to name my Barbarian "Grignr The Vowel-Hungry".
5663 - Outwitting a pack of Kobolds does not merit a victory dance.
5664 - Not allowed to use abridged verbal components for spells. ("Uh, praise be to Pelor, Shining Lord on High, yadda yadda yadda, Cure Light Wounds!")
5664 - When the Paladin tells me he inherited all his equipment from his father, not allowed to ask if that includes the rod up his butt, and his mystical +3 boots of suck.
5665 - My character cannot suddenly develop a Schwarzenegger accent and claim that it's his real voice, and up until now he was faking an accent.
5666 - The group is not allowed to have all the character's rolls done by the one player who's on a hot streak at the time.
5667 - I am not allowed to urinate on an enemy mage claiming it is an acid attack.
5668 - Placing a decanter of endless water in the chamber pot does not make for easy cleaning.
5669 - I am not allowed to make a Ranger with the name "Ford Fairlane."
5670 - Village Idiot is not a class.
5671 - Nor a profession
5672 - Super Mario is not an appropriate God to worship ever.
5673 - Half-elves don't always do it better.
5674 - High Elves will not hook up with Drow when they feel like "Slumming It."
**DM Side**
5675 - The players do not always need to roll up five characters to fulfill my sadistic urges
5676 - It is not nice to have Mage NPC's roll a 1 and tell the players they've found a Bag of Holding when it's a Bag of Devouring.
5677 - Military-trained monkies will not free-fall from 5,000 feet to avoid detection if a chance encounter is called for.
5678 - Not every single dungeon has changing walls and blinking spells in it.
5679 - Aliens (from the movie) have not landed and established a colony in this dungeon.
5680 - When characters find a map, I will not give them one for the wrong area.
5667 - I am not allowed to urinate on an enemy mage claiming it is an acid attack.
Of course not - normally, urine is pretty close to pH 7.
BACKSTORY:
A Scare Bear a portable, self cooking creature that BEGS to be eaten and is 50x cuter than you can imagine. Once the order 'cook' is given, it will lay and egg, then convulse. While convulsing, it will cook from the inside out. When it is done, the egg hatches and the baby yells, "Yeah! Mommy's done! Time to eat!" Witnessing the cooking while enthralled gives a -6 to the terror check in GURPS. About 20 fatalities resulted from a combo of heart attacks and students jumping from the 300th level of the megalopolis.
5684. I will no longer kill party members so that I may Animate Dead them and host a Children's Marionette Theater again.
5685. Even though he survived a direct assault from an Werewolf Lord, I will never play "Dude McHealbot" ever again. Which leads too...
5686. Dude McHealbot is not an appropriate name for a character.
5687. Neither is "Sir Badass of Asskickington".
Story about my horrible character names:
When I started playing D&D, I wasn't much of a roleplayer; just a number cruncher. So I did not care to have any sort of character with a personality. I've learned to love and embrace roleplaying now.
5688 - Not allowed to refer to the king as "Your Irreverencey".
5689. "Your Irrelevancy" is also out of the question.
5670. Even if I've already killed his entire Kingdom.
5691 - If an NPC announces that he's going to tell us a tale passed down through generations of his people, it does not require a listen check — that I can then intentionally fail.
5692 - Our ship captain's name is not "Morgan", and his crew does not consist of members named "Jim" "Jack" and "Jose".
5693 - A weapon buff does not grant my sword "incredible penetrating action".
5694 - My character cannot be from —nor own property on— Fleet Street.
5696. I am not Dr Doom, therefore I don't get to have some WMDs lying around in my back yard.
5697. Not everything evil in the game can in some way be compared to Nazis, Scientologists, furries, chavs or any combination there-of.
5698. For a female orc rogue/fighter, Uzzra Blackfang: geuriller(sorry about spelling)-warfare-expert-for-hire is a suitable name/title. Uzzra Blackfang: overenthusiastic dominatrix is not.
5699. Whether Cthuhlu could pwn Galactus is not relevent to the game. Or any other game that we're likely to play.
5700. Adding an extra thing to any list to bring it up to a multipul of ten is just silly.
5701. Pictures of Uzzra should not be emailed to other players.
5702. I am not the law, no matter what my alignment says.
5703. I am a PC, not a MAC.
5704. If it's from Silent Hill, I'm not allowed to play it.
5706: Breakdancing is right out.
5707: Even if it was the BBEG.
5708: ESPECIALLY if it was the BBEG.
5709: I am not to eat the psyker.
5710: ESPECIALLY if he died from Perils of the Warp.
5711: No, just because you're a Feral World Scum doesn't mean you're going to gain his powers from your world's...odd interpretation of the Church of the Emperor.
5712: The Chimera is not a toy.
5713: Just because our tank looks Orky doesn't mean we're going to convince the Orks we're Boss material.
5714: Do not complain when the Shoota rips your arms off.
5715: I am not to play DeadLands just to invent the Ghost Rock Enema. No, the GM does not care there is such a thing as a Barium Enema.
5716: He'd rather have not known in the first place.
5717: I am not to create the Internet in Eberron for the express purpose of weaponizing memes.
5718: The Julajimus is NOT Pedobear, even if it's a giant furry thing and does horrible things to children.
5719: An Angry Marine Angrinator is awesome, yes, but I am not to replicate it.
5720: ESPECIALLY NOT IN GREYHAWK.
)5722: not allowed to babble incoherently, leading to speculations about the evil thing's parentage, bedroom issues, and personal hygeine, as the result of failing a save vs. a fear effect.
5722: not allowed to babble incoherently, leading to speculations about the evil thing's parentage, bedroom issues, and personal hygeine, as the result of failing a save vs. a fear effect.
Summon a Gibbering Mouther.
- Even if it actually does.
- Even if my love interest believes me.
5725- I am not allowed to put my character on "follow" after the partys idiot anymore.
5726- I am not allowed to embarrass the GM anymore by saying "Oh... That was just a question" after the Djinn just granted me a wish.
5727- By popular vote. My character isn't allowed to "fragsteal" anymore.
5729. I do not "need blue valkyrie, badly" either.
5730. Internal storage compartments should not be refered to as "concealment crevices".
5731. If a paladin looses his/her faith, they do not start smiting evil in the name of Richard Dawkins.
5732. A thraskor ninja is not allowed.
5733. And he may not be known as "The Elephant of Suprise".
5734. The druken route is not always a valid way of traveling.
5736: Shaving the shifter is only funny once.
5737: Arguments over which side is 'port' and which is 'starboard' should not happen in the middle of airship battles.
5738: Breast milk is not a splash weapon. (Joys of gaming with a new mother.)
5739: I don't care if you were within 30 feet, you cannot get Sneak Attack damage with a railgun.
5741: As a GM, I cannot make extremely flirtatious male NPCs.
5742: Especially as a player.
5743: As a GM, I cannot let my players anywhere near a shop that sells Love Potions. EVER.
-For that matter, they are not able to obtain Love Potions. EVER.
5744: As a player, I am no longer allowed to play a masked superhero wizard.
5745: As a player, I cannot converse completely in barks to show what wild shape form I'm in.
5746: I'm not allowed to stick pretzel sticks under my lips and claim I'm a walrus.
5747: Nor up my nose.
5748: Or up anybody else's nose.
5749: I am not allowed to be in the vicinity of animals for fear of breaking off from the game and playing with them.
5750: Same goes for small children and toy swords.
5751: My dad is not allowed to base character names off of his.
5752: Neither am I.
5753: My dad is not allowed to come to an abandoned city.
5754: Especially when he just got a book about the in-game economy.
5755: We are not allowed to play anymore at two in the morning, hyped up on soda, Halloween candy, and chicken wings.
5756: Especially when I'm the DM.
5757: Vampires do not sparkle. EVER.
5758: I am not allowed to say the words "face", "yo", "mamma", or "burn" in a sentence directed towards another player.
5759: No raging because the blacksmith doesn't have black skin.
5760: No asking the blacksmith if he can put a dagger in the front of the sole of your shoe, pointing out.
5761: I am not allowed to play a male PC.
5762: I am not allowed to drop references to anything.
5763: I cannot burst into song in the middle of the game.
5764: I cannot play an Eladrin wizard with Tourettes Syndrome.
5765: I cannot talk in a bad British accent when the PCs are in the city of Bloom. I am especially not allowed to use the phrase "blooming idiot" while talking as an NPC.
5766: Nobody can access their cell phones during the game for fun.
5767: I cannot play an anthropomorphic crocodile duskblade that can legally get their strength to around 50 in 3.5e.
5768: I cannot make puns involving other characters.
5769: I cannot make puns involving NPCs.
5770: I cannot make puns involving anybody in-game.
5771: I cannot make puns AT ALL.
5773 - I have been informed that holy water loses all of its special properties when it evaporates. Therefore, my cleric cannot start his church on the idea of consecrating all of the water in the air, to someday make the entire atmosphere holy, and thus end the undead scourge forever.
5774 - Especially if I'm only doing so to force the DM to pit us against something other than undead for a damn change.
5775 - Gun-chucks do not exist, nor can I make them, nor is there any conceivable way I could become proficient in their use.
5777- I am not allowed to hauntshift undead squirrels into a factory, spark an industrial revolution, and use it to rule the world.
5778- I am not allowed to follow through with any plan, ever.
5779- I am not allowed to use Prestidigitation to temporarily transmute the top and bottom of the bars into dust, thus escaping from any prison.
5780- I am no longer allowed to survive the first round of combat.
5781- My DM is not allowed to try to justify magic using real-world physics.
5782- No real world physics. Ever.
5784. or any other plushie dice he may have
JENKINS!!!!
5786: nor is the aforementioned warcry appropriate when facing a mind flayer and 3 powered-up chain demons, under the dm's assumption that if you play right, you might just survive.:angelhide
5787:leroy jenkins is not a deity.
5788: i may never again magic-seal a decanter of endless water to a bag of holding and utter the power word for "gyser" to see what happens.
5789: and i must learn the correct spelling of "gyser" anyway.
5790: i must never act under the assumption that my players will even try to make that spot check.
5792: Playing a frost mage is not an excuse to say "Behold, the Iceman cometh" every time you enter a room.
5795: Wookiees and chocolate fountains do not mix.
5796: No matter how cool it may sound, I will not let any party member have cyborg dinosaur familiars.
5797: My GMPC does not have to save the day.
5798: ... even if she's heavily pregnant at the time.
5799: ... especially if she's heavily pregnant at the time.
Edit: Some more.
5800: Regardless of how in-character it may be I will not get between the DM and any PC that is doomed to die and engage him in a battle of wills. Chances are, it will be me who ends up genning a new character.
5801: (something like this has almost certainly been covered) Improvised Weapons & Paired Weapons do not mean my lizard-man can wield both party dwarves in order to improve their reach.
5802: Nobody wants to hear about the time I got 4 security guards fired using a skimpy outfit and a single dot of Presence
5804: the two-headed T-Rex does not give double exp.
5806. hiring adventurers to crawl the dungeon your party is supposed to investigate is not acceptable
5807. Forgetting to tell them its full of explosive gas is also bad
5808. Loading them up with alchemist fire to fight the undead in the dungeon is even worse
5809. Knowing the dungeon is under half the town and laughing at the resulting destruction is frowned on
5810. Your kobold can not dead lift the paladins warhorse
5811. even if he is half dragon
5812. and has a strength of 20+
5813. Neither can he throw the paladin in combat
5814. DONOT call the epic kobold rogue/trapsmith a theif
5815 Dont be suprised when the next morning all your loot is gone and your gear sleeping bag tent backpack and everything else you own is trapped
5816. Suprise butt seckings players in character is just as unacceptable as it is out of character
5817. Ditto for monsters
5818. especially when your a 2 1/2 foot tall kobold
5819. Never let the paladin take psycadelic drugs or potions of anykind... period
5820. Players must stick to ONE accent, not 4 or 5... the british scottish irish german elf kinda kills the immersion
5814. DONOT call the epic kobold rogue/trapsmith a theif
5815 Dont be suprised when the next morning all your loot is gone and your gear sleeping bag tent backpack and everything else you own is trapped
So ... he is a thief?
Loots your pockets and traps them with epic rolls >.>
its just one of those classic rogue hypocracies
5822. I am not allowed to use Zoinks, Jenkies, Jeepers, or Rut row as my catch phrase
5824. The best way to redeem a fallen Jedi does not involve throwing grenades.
5825. It should not require six prostitutes to get my frenzied berserker to bathe.
5826. My barbarian cannot require the party be paid in only apples for rescuing his daughter.
5827. When playing a Kender, I'm not allowed to steal the high cleric's bedsheets, tie feathers to it, then attach the sheet to a guard on the fortress walls and push him off in an attempt to invent a non-magical form of featherfall.
5828. Going into town and randomly picking fights with gang members in order to kill them, sell all of their gear, and to harvest their organs for science is not a legal form of fundraising.
5829. My Int 6 half-orc barbarian is not allowed to put the dead body of my rogue friend into a bag of holding and still pretend that he is giving me suggestions.
5825: I may not make a web comic of any forum game using LEGOs and show it off t others. Ever.
5826.Canadian is not a real language.
5827.Even if the villain is Lawful Evil, slapping a cease and desist order on him isn't going to work.
5828."Everybody Wang Chung tonight" is not an acceptable use of the Mass Suggestion spell.
5829.Our mission is to rescue the princess. Not to bring Sexy back.
5830.I will not start a Ponzi scheme involving the entire party.
5831.My Tibbit isn't allowed to cough furballs
5832.My Tibbit isn't allowed to speak like Antonio Banderas
5833.My Tibbit isn't allowed to place cat's hair in everybody's drinks
5834.My Tibbit isn't allowed to use rogue's holding bag as a toy(in spite it looks asa a fancy rat)
5835.My Tibbit isn't allowed to sing Memories anymore
5836.The Dr. Jones School of Swordfighting is not an appropriate Swordsman's School.
5837.No matter what the kids say, animated balloon animals is a poor use of the Create Golem feat.
5838.My tribe's trial by combat ritual is not best described as "Calvinball with axes"
5839.Cultists tend to notice if you've replaced their summoning ritual with Jitterbug instructions.
5840.Humming the James Bond theme in the middle of a Black Ops doesn't give me any bonuses.
5841: I am no longer allowed to use ideas posted on this forum
5842: I am no longer allowed to extort wishes out of efreeti
5843: I am not allowed to use shrink item to drop massive rocks from the back of a dire bat
5844: not allowed to use major creation to create 1 sq foot/lv of Plutonium
5845: not allowed to use #5844 to accomplish #5842 by threatening to destroy Dis and most of the rest of the planar cosmology.
5846: not allowed to use 5844 to rain liquid plutonium on unsuspecting deep forests, dark swamps, jagged mountain ranges, mysterious manors, unusual rock formations, tall peaks, empty cities or towns with a "mysterious past" in order to kill any possible monsters/adventure hooks living there.
most importantly,
5847 May not claim experience for every being on the material plane when i destroy it with #5844.
Also. 5848 may not PaO dirt beneath the BBEG's feet into solid positrons, thus destroying the universe. (and levelling up! whats the EL of the universe?)
5849. carrying over 40 grenades brings attention, assuming you can carry them.
4850 - Everyday is most assuredly NOT talk like a pirate day.
4851: Aye, it be.
4852 - If I tell the smiling old man to bring it, not allowed to whine when it's brought.
4853.) I will never forget Rule One. Ever.
4854:If the Ninja happens upon a heated argument between party members, he may not knock out all the party involved (including the innocent bystander), toss them into their rooms and lock them in and say that it's the best solution to resolve the problems.
The number should be 5855.
5855. I will not create a combat encounter of 3d6 Terrasques or similar epic level solo monsters. Especially if there are not 3 or more in the game world.
5855b. I am no longer allowed to create combat encounters that use multiple solo monsters of equal or greater level than the party average level.
5855c. Unless I bought the minis solely for the reactions from doing so. An actual combat is still right out.
5856: I won't forget Rule 17 either.
5857: Actually, I won't forget any rule. Those monks are dangerous.
5858: Never allowed to create claymore mines out of actual claymores.
5859: Never allowed to purchase claymores. Ever.
5860: I am never able to play a ghost with twelve greatswords and the telekinesis spell-like ability(and ghostly grasp in case I ever got an upgrade). Can you say pincushion? 
5861: I am not to assemble a party consisting of five durable enemies and send them all at my players at once for an epic battle.
5861: a) That party is not to consist of a Warblade, a Illithid Blood Psion, an Archivist, a Scout, and a Swordsage.
5862. HIS NAME IS AEOFEL. Anyone caught calling him "Al" deserves Wil Wheaton's Cockpunch of Furious AngerTM.
Apologies if thiese have been mentioned before, but...
5863. Any body part you cannot mention in polite company cannot be weaponized.
5864. Neither are they viable options for distraction or replusion in battle.
5865. 'Fire, fire, cha cha cha' is not an appropriate victory chant for when the PC dances on thebodies of the enemies.
5866. Fire is not an acceptable god, deity, belief, or intimacy.
5867. I will stop affixing the phrase "like the fist of an angry god" when declaring hits.
5868. Unless roleplaying a catapult, there is no weapon proficiency: nor a weapon proficiency: .
5869. Roleplaying siege equipment, or any inanimate objects for that matter, is forbidden.
5870. I will not try to contrive a plot that makes opens up legitimate use of the Book of Erotic Fantasy. I do not want to know the mating habits of the non-human races of the game.
5871. My character will not cause a character to become pregnant without talking to the character's player first about it.
even though it pains me to do this one cause it think its unfair:
5782: do not apply any real world common sense to any part of your character, ever. you will feel the wrath of a "DM uppie".
5783. Will not use 3.5 WotC and MGP books on drow to make a gestalt six armed rapier wielding Fighter/mage, who uses Drrizzit's backstory as a cover while he manipulatees the rest of the party to exact his revenge and begin his master plot from attop his Black widow Familiar/mount.
5784. Any character that can do more damage with his fist than the Mage with a fireball is not allowed (2nd edition)
5785. That character may not als ohave more attacks per round than Drizzit.
5786. Reminding the DM that all the rules where legal and that he wanted you to create a character that could take the entire part is no excuse, not even when you showed the character to him, penalty for this is ignoring the nat 20 dodge and killing you with a willowisp.
Oh sorry this was from my wife...
578? Not allowed to play a hidden sith in any Starwars RPG ever....Ever(later changed to any force weilding character, and then added or an ancient droid created by the sith to teach force knowledge.)
5878- I'm no longer to question why there is a duck great sword that quacks everytime the fighter swings it or why the ranger named talahassee is constantly searching for twinkies.
5880b. Even if I am a druid.
5881: I am not allowed to intentionally harm someone I am interrogating just to 'speed things up a bit'...
5882: I am not allowed to unintentionally harm someone I am interrogating just to 'speed things up a bit'...
5883: I am not allowed to interrogate anyone without another member of the party present to ensure that said person's 'basic human rights' are not infringed...
5884: I am not allowed to distract those present during an interrogation to infringe upon the person being interrogated's 'basic human rights'...
5885: I am not allowed to interrogate anyone unless I am the only one with the stomach to do so...
5886: I am not allowed to interrogate anyone...
5887: I am not allowed to make any character for a Vampire game that uses bows instead of guns...
5888: Especially not if this character has a dice-pool of 8...
5889: Doubly so if he can make multiple attacks with said bow per round...
5890: I am not allowed to make any character with Earthmeld as a starting power...
5891: I am not allowed to use Earthmeld every night to sleep...
5892: I am not allowed to have a Powerful Ghoul with Earthmeld as well...
5893: I am not allowed to have a Powerful Tiger Ghoul with Earthmeld...
5894: I am not allowed to have a Powerful Ghoul of any kind...
5895: I am not allowed to take the flaw 'Vulgar' anymore...
5896: I am not allowed to stake most of a Tremere Chantry so the rest of the party can Diablorize them at their leisure...
5897: I am not allowed to retire a character without giving the Storyteller a chance to kill it first...
5898: When the Storyteller has had his chance and failed I must retire said character in a non-cliche'd manner...
5899: If I make a Werewolf I am to expect him to be in fights regularly...
5900: I am not allowed to make a character that doesn't take kindly to most orders...
5901: I am allowed to bitch that the Storyteller has just screwed me out of my five points of Merits in the first session, though it will not bring back whatever was lost...
5902: I should not venture into the Umbra by myself...
5903: Especially in a high-income neighborhood...
5904: I really should refrain from taunting any spirits that are small enough to fit into a coffee cup...
5905: Especially after one of them slices off one of my ears and later makes it into a cape...
5906: I am not allowed to own a car that the Storyteller envies...
5907: Let alone two of them...
5908: Especially not if either costs more than he made last year...
5909: I really should bother finding good examples of The Wurm, The Weaver, & The Wyld, lest I be known as 'Creamy Bunny Tree' again... (non-dairy creamer, a domesticated rabbit, and a sapling)
5910: While I am allowed to learn Rituals when the Storyteller declares a month of in-game downtime I am not allowed to learn all the ones necissary to make a Klaive in one go...
5911: Even if I did get the required 30 successes to make a Klaive in one go I cannot make it in a day...
5912: I am not allowed to pester the Skin-Dancing Vampires that joined my pack just because I can walk around during the day...
5913: I am not allowed to throw one of the SDV's around during the day if I know it will get them 'crispied'... (Some ritual turned them human as long as they didn't use any powers... Turns out Fortitude, which activates when you take damage, is a power...)
5914: I am not allowed to challenge the Mary-Sue STPC SDV for pack-leadership, despite being permitted to do so by the rules...
5915: I am not allowed to call them a sissy vampire after they decline so they challenge me back...
5916: It is unfair to challenge a SDV to 'A no-powers, rituals, magic, or other supernatural help eating contest', but not especially forbidden... Yet...
And now we shift to nWoD;
5917: I am not allowed to out-shine the other players when my dice give me an exceptional success on something silly...
5918: This goes double for drifting a car past them while talking on the phone when I have no drive...
5919: I am not allowed to belittle another player's accomplishments unless said player is gloating a little too much...
5920: I am not allowed to make a 'corner shotgun' again... (Barrels of a side-by-side cut to resemble a /\ so it could fire around corners)
5921: I am not allowed to dual-wield MP-5's again...
5922: I am not allowed to bring up that the other players seem to be ignoring their flaws...
5923: I am not allowed to torture anyone without another player there to 'chaperone' me...
5924: I am not allowed to torture anyone unless I am the only person with the stomach to do it...
5925: I am not allowed to torture anyone...
5926: I am not allowed to call the Sin Eater's supernatural abilities 'F*ggot Clown Powers'...
5927: Especially if the player is actually gay...
5928: I am not allowed to go off by myself ever again...
5929: I am not allowed to gloat that I was the only one that got anything done in two sessions...
5930: I am not allowed to charge my other players for my skill as a translator if I am the only one that speaks both the local language and whatever the rest of the party speaks...
5931: I am not allowed to make a Sorcerer that has the feat Eschew Materials and mime that I am using spell components...
5932: Especially if I intend the character to challenge people to single-weapon duels...
5933: And laugh at them when they 'disarm' me of my spell components...
5934: And then Lightning Bolt them into unconsciousness...
5935: I am not allowed to make any sort of Gish character...
5936: Especially not an Attack Of Opportunity Lock-down Trip-based Fighter/Cleric...
5937: Doubly-so if said character is an Elf...
5938: Quadruply-so if said character is a FEMALE Elf...
5939: If said character is a female Elf with Strength 18 starting it is vetoed...
5940: Not all Dwarves have Scottish accents...
5941: Nor do all of them have a prejudice against Elves...
5942: Having my Dwarf say "It's not **** if it's an Elf..." will probably garner the ire of any Elves in the party, but is not expressly forbidden, yet...
5943: I am not allowed to participate in bar-fights with my Dwarf ever again...
5944: Doubly-so if the town guard has a penchant for taking ownership of bars that happen to have fights break-out in them...
5945: I am not allowed to purchase anything worth more than my Character Level times 1,000gp in one shot...
5946: I am not allowed to buy things from supplemental books without consulting the DM first...
5947: I am not allowed to buy things from the Dungeon Master's Guide without consulting the DM first...
5948: I am not allowed to abuse the Moon card from the Deck of Many Things to get items that are well-beyond my level or expected character wealth...
5949: I am not allowed to draw more than three cards from the Deck of Many Things...
5950: I am not allowed to mock the other players for not having cohorts when mine was given to me by the Deck of Many Things...
5951: I am not allowed to make my Fighter cohort, that was given to me by the Deck of Many Things, be an AoO Lock-down character...
5952: I am not allowed to have a Dwarf Fighter-1/Druid-5 wearing Full-Plate...
5953: Especially if the Full-Plate is made of Dragonhide...
5954: I am not allowed to take the heads of my conquered Giant foes as trophies...
5955: Especially not THAT head...
5956: I am not allowed to taunt the rest of the party, except for the two Fighters, because they need torches...
5957: I am not allowed to use Craft: Armorsmithing to make armor for anyone but myself without charging more than the materials cost...
5958: I am not allowed to take any of the Magic Item Creation Feats for the sole-purpose of making stuff the DM generally won't allow...
5959: I am not allowed to use the 'Rules' to have something made at character-creation that basically does the same thing as another item the DM said I couldn't have... (Field Provisions Box = NO, Sack O' Daily Foodz = God dammit...)
5960: I am not allowed to mock the rest of the party for dealing crap for damage just because the DM let me take the Monkey Grip Feat when he wasn't really paying attention...
5962: I am not allowed to convince the rest of the party, before the game even starts, that taking over the world that we're tring to save, after the large war currently occuring is over, is a good idea.
5963: Especially if it involves using the corpses of the giant monsters that invaded as castles/undead minions/floating undead castles.
5964: You know, I'm not allowed to play any character with a Cha of more than 14 and a Wis of less than 10. That should solve that.
5965: I am also not allowed to play a cheap Sephiroth rip off who is obviously evil, despite his claims that 'the orphanage attacked me first'.
5966: Especially in a Good campaign.
5967: Planar Motes are not the answer to everything, the least of which is playing an Evil character in the same party as a paladin.
5968: No playing Gestalt Changeling Rogues/Swashbuckler//Factotum/Chameleons with ranks in every skill, including various obscure ones. That's taking 'generalist' too far.
5970: I am not allowed to suggest items that the party Monk should Wish for should said Monk draw The Moon from The Deck Of Many Things...
5971: Especially if the combination of items I suggest end up with her having a +17 to all her Unarmed Attacks...
5972: I am not allowed to stay in Wild Shape just so the DM cannot destroy the items I am holding...
5973: Especially if I am a Dwarf that is carrying all the treasure...
5974: Even more so if he threw five creatures at us that were tailored to destroy our items...
5975: I cannot name my DoMT granted cohort 'Steve' in reference to Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs...
5976: Especially if he is a Spiked Chain AoO Lockdown Fighter...
5977: I am not allowed to take the Leadership Feat just to have more than one cohort...
5978: I am not allowed to have all my level one followers be Sorcerers...
5979: Said Sorcerer followers are not allowed to all have 'Laser-Eyed' familiars...
5980: I am not allowed to make any kind of 'Gish' character ever again...
5981: I am not allowed to carry two full pages of Mundane items...
5982: Even if doing so has saved the party twice now...
5983: I am not allowed to gloat when the DM rolls three consecutive eights on a Prismatic Spray trap against me...
5984: I am not allowed to have my Dwarf gloat that he doesn't need torches because of his Darkvision...
5985: I am not allowed to have my Dwarven Cohort Steve gloat that he doesn't need torches because of his Darkvision...
5986: If I am the only person that still has any weapons and / or armor due to the rest of the party falling for an acid-based trap I am not allowed to gloat...
5987: I am not allowed to ask 'What will you give me for it?' if the rest of the party asks for goods if 5986 happens...
5988: I am not allowed to make any character based off of an Order of the Stick character...
5989: This goes double for anyone based off of Belkar Bitterleaf...
5990: I am not to question the DM for giving us 2nd edition magic items in a 3.5 game...
5991: I am not allowed to have Steve trip anything he can just so the Monk can curb-stomp it easier...
5993: I am not allowed to question WHY Robin Hood was staked by Medusa...
5994: I am not allowed to question WHY either Robin Hood or Medusa are freaking vampires...
5995: I am not allowed to trick the Storyteller into letting me get the entire wardrobe of the 10th Doctor piece by piece...
5996: I am not allowed to play 'Dead Man's Party' whenever I happen to be carrying a staked vampire back to court...
5997: I am not allowed to abuse my Vicissitude just to make my character better-looking...
5998: I am not allowed to abuse my Vicissitude just to make other characters better-looking...
5999: I am not allowed to beat three ordinary humans to a bloody-pulp because they made a series of degrading cat-calls at my character...
6000: I am not allowed to become the 'gruff but lovable madam' of a brothel...
6001: I am not allowed to beat unruly Johns to a bloody-pulp if they get rough with my girls...
Thread needs to be renamed again...
6003 I cant kick the door with the baddies behind it hoping it intimidates them.
6004 Prayer beads are not an improvised weapon. Nor can I use them as a grappling rope, a sword breaker and a whip in the same scene...I cannot escape prision with prayer beads.
6005 I am no longer allowed to offer my fellow party members as indentured servants during negotiations.
All these rules come from the first D&D session I ever ran. Although they LOVED it they hated the things my twisted imagination decided would be “fun” to do.
6006: No longer to allowed to say the following phrase in game "I'm bored...Wanna play a game with me?"
6007: Not allowed to make anything that is typically innocent evil (ex. children, toys, little rabbits)
6008: As GM if i am inspired by Edger Allan Poe I am to assume everyone will kill me for the mercy of their characters.
6009: If inspiration comes from Stephen King, I am not allowed to do it. And it will probably make the other players cry.
6010: I am to assume that anything that inspires me with my next immediate reaction is smiling it is a bad idea and i should never "torcher" other players with it.
6011: If I think its funny, its probably not, and most likely will kill the party and I should be “nicer”.
6012: If I think it’s would be a fun game, something new to try, or it makes me laugh. It will automatically make the group paranoid and I should stop using my imagination and go strictly with the book.
6013: (follow up for 6012) I am not allowed to think methodically (which comes naturally without me trying) with the campaign I am in or running…it will KILL the party whether I was trying to or not.
6014: Not allowed to use other players as weapons...even if he has the strength/grapple check.
6015: Not allowed to use the rogue (even if it is the rogue's "Job" to find traps) as a bowlingball to find/activate traps...even if it saves the party...
6016: Not allowed to have a werewolf templet along with barbarein class. Apparently... "I wont need the rest of the party and will probably kill them...for fun."
6017: Cannot kill four other players by myself in PVP, because "balance."
6018: Never allowed to use "Brain in a Broken Jar" as the final boss for a story arch again.
6019: Never allowed to have a Purple Dragon named Barney mind control a bunch of children along with a player and have them sing songs about the sun and constantly hug him and tell him they love him again.
6020: Cutting open a player and stuffing them with wolfsbane prior to resurrecting them is not the proscribed method of curing lycanthropy
6021 - I am not allowed to play the Mull Psionicist with a Int of 21 as a true genius.
6022 - You are not allowed to build a 100 acre solar still and sell the water back to the city. (see 6021!)
6023 - The Mull psionicist can not create liquid Oxygen by slowing down molecular activity until the gases start to condense.
6024 - The 20th level Paladin should not make every attack a called shot to sever heads.
6025 - Never launch a lightning bolt into a building where they store Quegan oil!