1) Chew him out for interrupting your "me" time. (That was sent to me by Dragoncat: sorry for stealing it, but it was too cool not to post.)
2) The middle of the monologue makes a GREAT surprise round.
3) Yawn and say, "Woah, what happened? Sorry guys, I dozed off there."
4) Purchase a water clock. While he's speaking, set it up and check it every few sentences or so, acting extremely bored.
5) Start playing with Prestidigitation during his speech.
Can't wait to hear the rest!
-Count Dravda
10) Creating illusions of the BBEG naked or naked people of the opposite gender.
12) Check the sharpness of your sword with your thumb...flicking it crosswise up and down the blade.
13) Just nod up and down as if listening intensely and with pursed lips.... with just right amount of mocking.
15) Have the rogue sneak around back and start mimicking the BBEG.
17. Interrupt about 5 seconds in and ask if you can go to the bathroom before he gets going, in character.
18. Ask if you have time to make popcorn.
19. Pull out your glass eye and rub the back of it to distract the villain.
20. Explosive flatulence.
20. Explosive flatulence.
A Rear-ended Fireball? OR stinking cloud?
22. Silence.
23. Time Stop. Plane Shift. Whistle a jaunty tune.
24. Improved Invisibility. Pants the BBEG. Laugh.
This message brought to you by the Happy Mage Foundation.
5) Start playing with Prestidigitation during his speech.
NOOOOOOOOO! I THOUGHT IT UPON SEEING THE TITLE!
25) Get the Bard to play a song, and have a good ho-down.
26) Enjoy a cardboard-tasting, but fast, McHero's Feast
28) If the exposition begins while you're riding up on horseback don't slow down. I've stunned 2 DMs by jumping off my charging warhorse instead of stopping first. Knocked one of those BBEGs off the cliff to his death.
29) Similar to steal the loot, have the rogue setting up simple traps behind BBEG. Bullrush when ready.
30) Start giving your own speech as soon as he starts giving his. If he stops talking you stop. If he starts you start. Frustrates the DM since nobody can figure out what either of you is saying. Entertains the players.
31: Cast Haste so he will hurry the hell up.
32: Cast Slow for that comical voice effect.
33: Heck, this is probably why Sculpt Sound was invented.
34: Heckle him.
35: Ask a party member to "Wake me when he's done", and take a nap.
36: (For slow or long-winded speakers) Start a game of speed Chess.
37: (For real slow or long-winded speakers) Play a round of Three-Dragon Ante with his bodyguards.
38: (For speakers who are slower still) Start a game of regular Chess.
39: For extra laughs, do 37 with a Deck of Many Things.
40: Buff spells.
+2) Wait for him to finish, then say "Wait, what? I wasn't paying attention, could you repeat that?"
+3) "Hey sweet thing, what say we chase off these adventurers and then you and me get close and get comfortable?" (especially effective if it's something nobody in their right mind would hit on, and even more so if you intend to follow through)
47. Ask your axe weilding party member to coup de grace you so you won't have to listen to him anymore (usually ends in debate on how to kill eachother at exactly the same time)
48. Make a touch attack giving him a tiny size mod to throw an instant fortress in his mouth
50. Try to recruit his minions. Use the monologue as part of your sales pitch.
51. Cast Magic Missile, lowering your caster level to 1.
52. Cast any 0 or 1st level annoyance spells on him.
53. Start a pool as to how long the speech will take, and what point he will end with.
54. Start reading a book. Bonus points if you have illiteracy.
56) Shoot him in the face with a cross bow (the PHB says a dagger through the eye is still a dagger through the eye, so...a bolt through the face = insta kill).
57) Use Summon Monster spells to summon an army of fiendish hamsters.
and these next three are my options as I am a Sorcerer focusing on necromancy and I am taking levels in the pale master prestige class.
59) with the skeletal arm graft, take your hand off and play with it.
60) Cast Grim Revenge and laugh as his own hand kills him
61) zombie dance party
65) Summon a number of commoners and have an experiment to see if boredom really can kill; if no one dies, ask the BBEG to start his speech again. (As an added bonus, ask the DM if they can 1-time rage at the BBEG when it's time to fight)
67) PUNT!
70) say "Me no speak comman."
72) Bring out the ale and ask who wants some. If the BBEG says he/she does, deny him/her.
73) Go Monty Python on him: "GET ON WITH IT!!!"
74) Surrender
However, since I do have an appreciation for irony and the comedic arts:
75. Sit there listening intently to the speech. As he approaches the end of it, interrupt with an "OH MY GOD!!" and harp upon some obscure, borderline-irrelevant part of what he was saying as if it were an earth-shattering revelation.
76. Scream, turn around, charge into the wall, slam into it, and fall down. Repeat as necessary.
77. If the BBEG is attracted to your gender and you think for a nanosecond you can pull it off, undress mid-speech. I've heard that a beautiful relationship actually started this way.
79: If you're tied down, and are forced to listen, bite off your own tongue, and drown in your own blood. I actually had a character do this in campaign to avoid a monologue once. Horray for regen.
80: Nothing. Let the BBEG have his rant. Enjoy the effort your DM has made in preparing his speech.
Even when you've had numerous discussions about Villains not giving monologues? Offered that cut-scenes during the build-up to a confrontation might be more effective and easy to swallow? etc, etc. If DM insists on giving monologues, and the group has expressed their annoyance at how unrealistic they are when anyone has the ability to act, then he asked for it.
Technically..he's flatfooted
As an aside, I would totally let him finish first. Might tell me where his Lieutenant, Phylacetary (sp? I hate that word), Next plot hook, Plans to the Death Star are.
83) Use shatter to destroy the BBEG's clothes and yours, then have sex. Bonus points if your the same gender.
84) Count off 15 seconds until you're no longer surprised...
Its phylactery.
Thank you. The spare "e" always sneaks in on me
85) Sort the contents of your Bag of Holding
86) Try to use Gather Information with his/her nearby minions to determine the BBEG's troubled childhood.
87) Play a. Hopscotch, b. Patty Cake, c. Marbles, or d. Monopoly with your Cohort, Party members, or BBEG Minions.
88) Relax. You'll have plenty of time to kill him after the rant. And he may not be the last BBEG so interrupting him may result in you not getting a crucial bit of information.
89) Listen carefully. Any BBEG worth his salt will have captured some party member's family or friend and his little monologue may give you an idea of what he intends to do with them.
The preceding were also snippets of advice for DMs that have players interrupt them rudely. Make them miss something for their impatience and they may be more respectful next time.
Not:
90) Bark. Like a dog. Loudly.
91) Throw eggs and various vegetables at him while yelling "boo!" and "you suck!". Be sure to have the rest of the party TP his evil hideout while you do.
Fun answers (Largely because, as the usual DM as of late, I don't see this happen)
92) Pull out bag of Doritos; chew loudly, then walk up and wipe the cheese(-like substance) on his outfit. Enjoy the look on his face (works equally well with the DM. ;) )
93) Once finished, begin reciting monologue of your own, finishing with (quickly) "And that's why my speech was more interesting than yours and why theres a giant spider on your back."
94) Release small, noisy, flightless cockatiel into room. Watch as he attacks speakers leg (My bird did it on his own once. Took the hint rather quickly).
95) Begin to sing "I've Got A Lovely Bunch of Coconuts," loudly, and off-key by several levels.
C'mon, not all the classifieds will be Level X adventurers wanted to slay monster Y for reward Z. :P
98)
BBEG: "Who dares to enter my temple? A simple tool of flesh and bone? Feel the wrath of a force you can not even imagine, and your ignorance will be your demise..."
Blackbird: "Don't let him scare you, it's just evil genius speak. Let's blast him!"
102: Learn to juggle
103: Discover the meaning of life
104: gnaw your leg off to escape, works best if not trapped in any way/shape/form
105: Commit seppuku(sp?)
107. Kill off the other party members, then kill the BBEG in the middle of his monologue. Then, take whatever mighty magical artifact both the BBEG and your party were after. Take control yourself.
108. Roll up a new character while you're waiting.
110) "Hold on, before the show starts, where's the restroom? I've been holding it for hours."
14) Say, "If I wanted to spend thirty minutes hearing about how inferior I am, I'd just talk to the elf," and walk off.
15) Have the rogue sneak around back and start mimicking the BBEG.
i love it!
112.marry the BBEG
113.have the BBEG'S child
114.watch said child grow up and start his own monologue
115.kiss him/her/it/thing/whatever to shut it up
If the BBEG is undead, cast cure minor wounds on them for the hell of it.
Honestly people, what ever happened to staying in character? :P
EDIT: Whoops, i missed the second page when I wrote this, and it seems my answer was used...
Honestly people, what ever happened to staying in character?
Half of these things are in character for my character.
:D
124).Try to stay in character and tell the villain he,s nuts (when you actually like the villain style and want to be like him
125.) start a thread about 1001 thing to say during a BBeg monologue and see what ends first the monologue or the Thread.
126) Kill yourself and then create another character to meet the bbeg and hear his specch again.
127) Repeat the speech again but as if it were a Song
129. Scrimshaw.
130. Produce a block of marble, start sculpting a statue of the villian in mid-rant.
131. Start drinking. Heavily.
132. Start chewing on the BBEG's ankes. See if he notices before you manage to gnaw his feet off.
133. Run up, grab the BBEG, and give him the most passionate, sloppy kiss you can muster. Doubly effective if you're the same gender as the BBEG, triply if you're a race he despises.
134. Raid the BBEG's fridge. When he finishes, tell him he's out of mustard.
135. Tanglefoot bag.
(I'm astonished noone had that one before...)
84) Count off 15 seconds until you're no longer surprised...
that wouldnt work because you and the dm would have been arguing for most of that time and it wouldnt have counted. besides "Stop shooting him and let him finish talking!"
"Alriiiight. I got 'years of cautious planning' and 'soon to come to fruition' in the last sentence! Now all I need is 'those fools that spurned me' or 'to rule them all'."
"What's the middle square? I thought that you got a free one in Bingo."
"Maniacal laughter. It's not quite free, but it's close enough."
138. Build small, simple, mostly-useless constructs and set them loose. In the case of longer monologues, the BBEG could snap out of it in time to see six dozen wind-up tin chickens waddling about his feet.
139. MUSICAL NUMBER!
140. Butt into the BBEG's speech with appropriate overdramatic musical stings and sound effects.
141. Grab the BBEG's mystical staff, power source, giant throne of adamantine skulls, et cetera and try to walk out of his lair unnoticed.
142. Make a batch of cookies. Offer one to the BBEG after he's done.
143. Take bets on how long he'll ramble. Winner gets his nifty hat after he's dead.
144. If his plan centers around lying to and exploiting his staff, drag the body of one of his underlings back in and cast True Res, then watch him try and explain it off.
145. Point out every logical fallacy in his rant.
146. Critique his rant from a theater critic's point of view. "Oh, come on! I know you're just emoting here, but you still have to make me feel it!"
147. Face-painting. You, the BBEG, the party, the evil minions... go nuts.
148. Make baloon animals.
150) Hand over your Bag of Holding to one of your party members, tell them to wake you up when he's finished and go in it.
151) Take a bunch of Dull Grey Ioun Stones and make them spin around your head. Follow their movement with your eyes and turn your head after them.
152) Ask the party mage to cast Feeblemind on you.
*I'm sure I could have put that better but you know what I mean.
10 points if you know where there is from.
.)Moon him bonus points if the whole group does it.
159) Scream out "Like, oh my gawd, I broke a nail!" in your best valley-girl accent, then ignore the BBEG while you fix it. Redo your makeup for added emphasis.
161) Summon as many monkeys as you can. Behind the blabbering fool.
163. Fill out a job application, kill the other members of your party, and when the BBEG stops talking, hand it in to him. For use only when his plan makes sense/there isn't a way to stop it that wouldn't get you killed/you hate your party.
164. Carve a tombstone for the BBEG... out of whatever stone is handy.
165. Build a casket for the BBEG. Works best if you've already finished 164.
166. Start constructing an entire mausoleum for the BBEG and his minions.
167. Lick the BBEG. Not in a nasty, dirty, or otherwise inappropriate way... just walk up and give a big, ice-cream style-lick of his face/arm/other exposed body part. When asked why, reply "I always wondered what a (insert race here) tasted like."
168. Start flirting with the BBEG's chief minion/second in command.
169. Marry the BBEG's chief minion/second in command. Have the party cleric do it right there.
170. Have an impromptu honeymoon in the east wing of the BBEG's lair.
171. Sort your magic items out, carefully weighing which will still be useful after the XP you'll get for beating the BBEG and which you'll sell off.
172. Sort the rest of your items out, actually figuring out your encumbrance for once.
173. Spitball contest. First to get one lodged in the BBEG's nostrils wins.
174. Get some shuteye.
175. Brew coffee. Everyone needs a nice pick-me-up once in a while, and right before the final battle is a good time for it.
164)Polymorph/alterself into a naked nymph
166) When finished, reply "Gee, when you put it that way..."
168) If your a good aligned memeber of an evil race tell the BBEG that your parents gave better speaches then s/he does.
169) Ask the BBEG's minions if this is normal behavior.
Besides, what if you are the BBEG? =)
172) See how many people you can sleep with at one time while the BBEG does the monologue
174. Cast hold person on BBEG and then use the most powerful summon monster you have for effect. Watch the annoying BBEG go from monologuing to screaming in a few short seconds before dying.
175. Teach illiterate barbarian to read, using signs that insult the BBEG.
176. Start a D&D game inside the game.
177. Kill the BBEG in the new game when he starts monologuing followed by the one you are currently trying to ignore!
178. Use transposition on the BBEG and pick up his monologue right where he left off!
180. Re: #54 and if illiterate: Actually teach yourself to read.
181: For old wizards or the like: "Eh? What's that sonny boy? Speak up? You have to go to the bathroom? I told you to check before we left. In my day, we had to go fifteen miles through the River Styx to get to the bathroom. And by then, we had forgotten what we were doing. Kids these days . . . "
183. "Look can I just get on with saying 'you'll never get away with this you vile fiend!' so we can make with someone dying, because either outcome would be preferable to this lecture."
- Kill them.
- Give them everything you have.
- Write down what they are saying.
- Write 2 copies and give 1 to them.
- Ask questions to the BBEG who is giving the monologue.
- Ask completely unrelated questions.
- Ask for help with your armor or whatever.
- Commit suicide.
- Tell them to commit suicide.
- Try to make peace with them.
- When they are finished, ask them to say those things again but in a different language this time.
- Try to purchase something from them.
- Try to sell something to them.
- Ask them if you can be of any assistance.
- Ask them if you can be of any assistance, and then do it wrong on purpose regardless of their answer.
- Leave the room.
- Count their money, and then if you have more, give some to them to make it even, if they have more, steal some to make it even.
- Count their money out loud.
- Count their money out loud wrong.
These are real things I might do in the game.
or
"So......your it? Damn, that freaking troglodyte was scarier than you."
Please note: This line is not intended to impune 4th ed players in any way. Any laughs generated may be as much at the stereotypical 3.5 sticklers' stereotype of 4th ed fans as the the stereotype of 4th ed fans itself. No 4ed players were injured in the creation of this line.
185. Offer him a job at your homebase. (Be sure to pitch the 401k.)
186. Chastise him for his lack of back up planning.
187. Activate your ring of invisibility. Strip and throw your clothes at him. Especially pants.
189. Walk up to him and hand him a potion of cure light wounds. Punch him with your spiked gauntlet.
190. "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Your killed my father. Prepare to die."
191. Hold portal. Hold Monster/ Person. Grease. Summon Swarm.
192. Fireball the minions. Just to add atmosphere.
14) Say, "If I wanted to spend thirty minutes hearing about how inferior I am, I'd just talk to the elf," and walk off.
This is absolutely priceless...
Because we ALWAYS attack during the speach/transformation scene/incantation.
I've done the following.
193> Have one party member take the oil (I always buy 10 pints of oil) and start dousing the room, while the rest of the party does standard Melodrama fair with the BBEG. You know, Shouting appropriate bits when he pauses. "You'll Never get away with this!" "You Fiend!", etc.
When he finishes, Step out the door and lob in bottles of Alchemist fire.
196) Just start laughing until he stops monologue then stop laughing start back up when he starts monologue again.
197) See if any of his henchmen can break a gold piece.
198) Have on of you party members who can manipulate minds and erase his memory so he forgets what hes doing.
199) Grab the nearest Crossbow and play Russian Rulet.
200) Raise your hand and ask questions on everything his monologue.
201) Start mimicking what he’s saying.
202) Shrink him.
203) Caste a I time warp around your party to speed up time.
204) Caste an Illusion of your party where you all were standing and just walk away.
205) Have the Bard walk up next to him and start narrating.
205.5) have the Bard walk up and start playing his instrument along with what he’s saying changing the type of music and rhythm.
206) Cast Ghost Sound around him at full strength.
207) Act really dramatic while he’s dialoging. Gasp in the proper spots, step forward and dialog back.
208) After he says something everyone look confused then have a caster cast Arcane Mark in front of him in common and have everyone in the party look at it and go "AH ok." (Subtitles)
209) Start a fight in your party. verbal or phisical.
210) ask if he wants a cookie.
211) Interupt him and say, "Um excuse me, Mr. Bad Man. This isn't in my script. I need to talk with my agent." Then call your agent and yell at him.
214. as 213 but leave him getting burned by lava, and walk away.
216) Two words: Sexy Jutsu!
218. Cross your legs and whine, then start to dance in place. When the BBEG shuts up, scream "CHAMBER POT! NOW!" If he doesn't respond, leak in the corner.
219. Sticks to Snakes. Over and over again.
210: Summon a monkey... command it to fling what monkeys fling.
211: same as above but a winged monkey... just for kicks.
This can end one of two ways...
1.) Your allies attack in a dramatic climax
or
2.) Your allies bash your skull in for referring to them as 'minions'.
Then everyone attacks with their most powerful attack all at once.
215) Have the rogue throat punch him in the middle of it.
216. Assemble a ballista behind him and have the rogue sneak attack him with it.
You win the thread.
217:leave the wizard outside the door casting elemental swarm, when he finishes, open the door and step out of the way.
218: Same as above but multiple casters.
219: Secretly cast wall of force 3 times (triangular cage).
Zoë: Him…I'm sorry, you were going to ask me to choose, right? Do you wanna finish?
Pretty much that.
220 (cont): When he splutters and/or demands to know what you're doing, explain that you're ensuring his monologue is accessible to all audiences. Criticise him for his common-centric speechmaking.
221: As above, but have the others use the time to fashion a headset and a makeshift camera, and have the headset one nod periodically and give a thumbs up, while the Wizard conjures up an 'ON AIR' illusion in bright red.
222: Set up some sort of instantaneous deathtrap while he's distracted (ie. rigging the building to explode on him)
223: When his speech ends, nod thoughtfully, and respond with 'Hmm, actually, that makes a lot of sense. I can't argue with that.', and simply leave.
224: All of the above.
228: Exercise - Jumping jacks, sit-ups, the works.
229: Start line dancing.
231: At a seemingly random point in the speech, dramatically point at the BBEG and shout "OBJECTION!"
232: ...and then pull out a piece of evidence that proves he's wrong about that part of the plan.
Good morrow, Sir. I feel as though we have reached a precipice in time. At this juncture there are two options. You can either stop talking and give us all of your treasure and let us leave peacefully, or we can kill you, take your treasure and leave peacefully. Please note that this missive was written with Explosive Runes.
Signed: Torvald the Bored-out-of-his-mind Wizard.
Bonus points if it's done by someone who can't actual use Explosive Runes and it's all a bluff.
212. Beat him to it. Upon sighting the villian, slowly clap and say something along the lines of 'so, youve made it this far have you?...", yadda yadda, dramatic speech, and end with 'minions! ATTACK!'
This can end one of two ways...
1.) Your allies attack in a dramatic climax
or
2.) Your allies bash your skull in for referring to them as 'minions'.
A Rear-ended Fireball? OR stinking cloud?
That would be my dragonborn paladin after eating a meal that doesn't agree with him.
212) Right at the end of the speech, say "KHAAAAAAAANNNN!!!"
Best one yet
234. same as above but you paint his nails, and dye his hair, bright pink.
236) Try to convert him/her to your real religion during his speech.
237) If he is a Cleric try to convert him/her to his/her own religion.
238) At the end of his speech pretend to be one of his minnions and say something like, " That's a great line boss, but you might want to save it for those pesky adventurers". (Bonus points if he can't prove you're not his minnions)
#+1) Naptime!
#+2) Yeah, yeah. You'll get away with it, too. Well, we have news. We're meddling kids. And we have a dog. [hold up the halfling at this point] Well, close enough.
#+3) If he's gesturing wildly, go through the rock-paper-scissors motions and declare "Ha! Scissors beats paper!"
212. Beat him to it. Upon sighting the villian, slowly clap and say something along the lines of 'so, youve made it this far have you?...", yadda yadda, dramatic speech, and end with 'minions! ATTACK!'
This can end one of two ways...
1.) Your allies attack in a dramatic climax
or
2.) Your allies bash your skull in for referring to them as 'minions'.
Haha.
242 bake a cake and try to bribe him with it
243 bake a cookie cake and try to bribe him with it
244 convert all his minions to your cause
245 convert all his minions to your cause by saying you won't make long monologues.
246: In the middle of a tyrants speach, the group's very own halfling bard sang an epic chorus that drew a crowd of commoners to him that clapped at his epicness. They cheered "Bravo"; which, in turn, the rogue repeated again and again until the Tyrant walked out the door, and came back with a bigger and better performing bard. After the sing off, the bard ended up starting a competition called, Faerun's Idol.
247: In the middle of a lich's speech about how he planned to imbue himself with infinite power, the group's sorceror drew a mustache on every picture the lich had in his study... and on the lich himself.
248: Against the great bandit lord, Rorgrazh, Terror-Incarnate, the group's sorceror and rogue made shadow puppets with the light of a bonfire. The Bandit lord was insulted, and proceeded to make a shadow puppet of himself and kill the other shadow puppets... It took thirty minutes, but the shadow-pupper bandit lord slew the pink bunny of the great forest and the crocidile of the endless abyss. Yes, it was an actual battle, dice and everything.
~Ramzca~
*) "Gentlemen, Behold! The Robo Bunny! Now, I will spray it in the eyes with perfume, because that's HOW IT HAPPENED TO ME!!!!"
*) Optional: Above action, but spray BBEG w/ perfume immediately afterwards.
*) Reenact scenes from Dr. Weird as necessary.
*) Cast Tasha's Hideous Laughter on his minions so it looks like they are laughing at their boss.
*) "99 bottles of ale on the wall! 99 bottles of ale..."
*) For Female Clerics: Wait until the bad guy says something dirty or blasphemous. Yell, "Jesus Christ, don't you know better than to cuss in front of a nun?"
*) "We're on a mission from God."
*) Play World of Warcraft.
*) When the BBEG finishes the monologue, deliberately start a quest chain that will take an equal amount of time.
*) /dance
*) /flirt
*) /facepalm
*) /silly
*) /throw Dr. Pepper at the DM
*) Quote famous historical figures/documents at the same time as the BBEG. The Constitution. The Gettysburg Address. The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. Particularly Henry IV, Part 2...
*) "I fart in your general DI-rection!"
*) Comment on the DM's wardrobe selection mid-speech. Ask him how long it's been since he did laundry.
*) Ask the DM for rules clarifications... on some other game system... WoD, Palladinium, etc...
*) Take shorthand. Use the exact same speech in your next campaign.
*) Start a debate over the Final Fantasy series: American numbering or Japanese numbering?
*) Pizza run.
*) Taco Bell run.
*) Toilet Paper the DM's house, mid-rant.
*) Declare, "I'm fighting defensively." Leave room. Come back 10 minutes later.
*) Say random numbers. See if you can mess the BBEG's speech up.
*) Do your best Darth Vader impression.
*) Do your best Rocky & Bullwinckle impression.
*) Accuse the BBEG of slander or libel. Call your lawyer.
*) Tell the BBEG that he doesn't have an optimal build, and that your next character will do it better.
*) Post at least 20 entries on this thread.
*) Get a buzzer from the game Taboo. Draw a card...
*) Have the Rogue tie the BBEG's shoe laces together.
*) Pick a random line from the monologue. Tell the BBEG that you could be much more creative. Repeat the line, but replace a key word w/ the word "Pants."
*) Yo' mama jokes.
*) Calculate Pi.
*) Finish your dissertation.
*) Keep rolling your d20. Wait until you roll a natural 20. Scream, "I crit!"
*) Pull out the emergency stash of your DM's favorite food/candy... eat it as slowly & loudly as possible in front of him. "You don't get any until the monologue has come to a complete end."
*) Loud, Commanding Voice: "Please keep arms and legs inside until monologue has come to a complete stop."
*) End every sentence with the word, "Hastur..."
*) Play a game of Arkham Horror.
*) Ask the BBEG, "What is the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?"
#) Do what Richard did: walk up and vorpal sword his head off. Don't even let 'im get two sentences.
#+1) Naptime!
#+2) Yeah, yeah. You'll get away with it, too. Well, we have news. We're meddling kids. And we have a dog. [hold up the halfling at this point] Well, close enough.
#+3) If he's gesturing wildly, go through the rock-paper-scissors motions and declare "Ha! Scissors beats paper!"
Richard Who?
294). Try to make out with his minions.
295). Challenge him to a children's card game.
296). Make a search check to find look for treasure.
297). "*Yawn*, suddenly I just got so sleepy."
#) Try this.
#) Correct his grammar!
#) See if you can get minion bits to stick to his face.
302) if your a yuan-ti: Start talking to your pet snake.
302) Tiefling Bard" Start singing Hells bells.
305) Sneak behind him and mock him.
306) Say "Can we skip to the part where we whoop you?"
309. Take 20 on an Escape Artist check.
310. Give constructive criticism on his evil plan.
311. Heckle the DM about plotholes (if your DM is like me, there will be plotholes)
312. If not restrained James Bond-style, rip the door to the room off its hinges and hide behind it. Alternatively, knock over a table.
315.) Tell the BBEG, "There you are! Finally! I've been pursuing you all over these great realms just to ask you one very important question." Again, drop to one knee, producing a diamond ring (extra kudos if you bought it early enough in the campaign that the DM forgot you had it and asks about where you got it from), "Will you marry me?" If you catch him/her off-guard go so far as to say that you even brought a cleric with you so that there won't be any lengthy engagement period to show that you aren't afraid of commitment.
318) sit down, don a pair of glasses with eyes painted on them. Go to sleep
321) Insert "That's what she said," during appropriate (or inappropriate) junctures.
314.) Interrupt with, "Um, excuse me one moment, but I can see that you're ramping up to your final battle monologue, and, well, since this is the end-game and all, there's been something I've been meaning to do for a while, if you'll just pardon me for a moment." Turn to one of the characters in the party of opposing gender, get down on one knee and produce a diamond ring (bought in preparation for this moment). "[insert name here], will you marry me?" Wait for 'yes' answer and immediately ask the cleric to marry you. Saunter over to the BBEG and ask him to be your best man and he can give the rest of his monologue at the reception as part of his toast.
So awesome SO AWESOME!
323) Alternatively, use ghost sound to repeat the villain's monologue in a squeaky chipmunk voice.
324) Try to talk the DM into letting you use mage hand to give the villain a wedgie at the most important part of the speech.
325) Use prestidigitation to turn the villain's robe pink. If it's already pink, use the spell to soil his pants.
Cantrips are fun. :D
79: If you're tied down, and are forced to listen, bite off your own tongue, and drown in your own blood. I actually had a character do this in campaign to avoid a monologue once. Horray for regen.
God, you must write horrible monologues. Respect points to the player, though. That's ****ing hilarious.
326) Stand next to the BBEG and do perform an interpretive dance of his monologue.
329)play fetch with a HellHound
323)play fetch with a dire/halfdragon/creature of legend/earth elemental/air elemental/(templated ad infinitum) hellhound.
323)...Which is actually game legal for you to have.
314.) Interrupt with, "Um, excuse me one moment, but I can see that you're ramping up to your final battle monologue, and, well, since this is the end-game and all, there's been something I've been meaning to do for a while, if you'll just pardon me for a moment." Turn to one of the characters in the party of opposing gender, get down on one knee and produce a diamond ring (bought in preparation for this moment). "[insert name here], will you marry me?" Wait for 'yes' answer and immediately ask the cleric to marry you. Saunter over to the BBEG and ask him to be your best man and he can give the rest of his monologue at the reception as part of his toast.
My first thought was "I wondered if anyone has ever done this to propose in real life?"
Show
My guess: Yes. Somewhere, somehow, someone is a very lucky person