Note: This topic is not about the D&D game itself. Mods, feel free to move or delete if it's inappropriate.
I have no friends. I also play D&D in a college club once a week.
People show up to play, and since we're only renting the room for a few hours and it's a school night, any small-talk generally gets sidelined in favor of dungeon crawling, Monty Python references, and yelling at people not to throw dice across the table. I have no serious complaints about our in-game party dynamics (having a sadistic DM helps).
Out of game, however, if I randomly encounter one of the group and he engages me, it's...awkward, especially if his non-gamer friends are with him. On the one hand, I don't want to give the impression that my life revolves around the game (it doesn't. I play other games, too!) yet on the other, we have next to nothing in common. There's really nothing to carry a conversation. Usually what happens is I mumble one-word monotone responses to "How are you? School going well?" and hastily retreat, which is not doing any favors for my social image either.
So, fellow gamers, what are your experiences of long-term gaming with virtual strangers? Is this a workable arrangement? Should I pretend I don't know them when I see them out of game? Or would it be better if I made an effort to "friend" (whatever that means) them, then if it doesn't work out, quit the group?
"Hey, you know, I was thinking of having everyone over for pizza and Halo after D&D."
Or "Hey I heard [insert movie here] is coming out next week. Wanna see if we can all go check it out at the midnight showing?"
Or "You like paintball? I know this great place..."
etc etc etc
If his friends are non-gamers so what? You didn't pick his friends.
If you are too embarrassed to be labeled as a person that plays D&D, quit.
A movie might be hard, seeing as I don't have a car...maybe when we all know each other better. The good news is that Finals and Spring Break are coming up, which will give me some good downtime to cultivate my other interests.
work, and school [...] because they often come off as mindless prattle)
Good to know. I've never liked mindless prattle.
I'd just say "hey, man, what up?"
"Hey man, what's up?" works too. It's the one I use with all my other casual acquaintances, so why not?
If you are too embarrassed to be labeled as a person that plays D&D, quit.
Oh, hell no. I'm not embarrassed to be a Pokemon or Yugioh fan. There's an enormous gulf between "normal person who plays D&D" and "dateless, pimply basement-dwelling nerd who obsesses over D&D 24/7", though. I'm already dateless (by choice) and pimply (not so much), best not to match the stereotype further.
Sometime after I entered the Air Force, I had the good fortune to room with someone who was into RPG's in general. We'd get together and play whatever RPG we wanted to at the time. He had a couple of friends he'd gamed with in Turkey, and I hung out with them.
After a long break, I was very fortunate to help found a new gaming group. While it was mostly about whatever RPG we were playing at the time, we'd also get together just to watch a movie or have supper or something.
But all of those occasions were facilitated by having others in the gaming group who were extroverted. As a lifelong introvert, I've never acquired much skill in interpersonal relations. It sounds like you also are an introvert. Perhaps the best advice I could give would be to be open to whatever social initiative your fellow gamers bring up.
Unless you are all shy and introverted, someone will suggest something or say hello or something. Let that person do the work of taking the first step, and then support their initiative unless it's something you'd really dislike.
Is it just me, or is this an oxymoron? Is it even possible to game (or play football, or jam in a band, or whatever) long-term and still be virtual strangers?
No offence, TCG-Researcher, but you should get a grip and make some friends.
Perhaps to get the ball rolling you might just come out an say what your interests are, introduction style. It might be awkward, but play on that. "Hey guys, I know we've been gaming for awhile, but I realized the other day that I don't really know all that much about you and that you probably know about as much about me. So anyway, my name is Name and I'm a DnD-aholic." "Well, that's pretty obvious, but I also enjoy Pokemon, Yugioh, etc. I like movies, anyone else looking forward to Upcoming Feature Film? Oh and, just FYI, I'm majoring in Major and I'm taking Class, Class, and Class this semester. What about you guys?"
You mentioned side conversations are pretty limited at the table but not completely squeltched I'm sure. Just a quick "so whats your favorite movie?" or "what other games you into?" can go a long ways twoard laying inroads to a real friendship. Perhaps a little chatting as people pack up to head out after the game session. Maybe some conversations with people before you get started.
I like the above idea about having some people over. Maybe a beer and pretzels game, movie marathon (pick a trilogy or something), or poker night. Toss the invite to the whole group and whoever shows up is probably friendly enough
I'm having poker night at my place/dorm/etc next friday, It's $X buy in, I'm providing the snacks, hope to see you there
OR
Would anyone like to catch the (sporting event) on X ?
Like Leowolf said, be open. Get over yourself and try it.
The difficulties with the idea is:
- Do people know how to play? Often solved by the fact the games are easy to learn.
- Do people gamble? But other multi-player games, like bridge, hearts, spades, and cribbage require no betting/money.
- Are people willing? That is the only thing left up to chance.
Some of my best friends were met around the poker table. I joined a fraternity because the people I met at a pick-up game were exactually the sort of people I enjoy hanging with. Card games are a lot like any RPG, require interaction and a head for rules, but are much less demanding on attention allowing a person to become side-tracked. Heck, that seems to be half the reason the people I know play.
Poker (card games in general), as someone mentioned, is actually a great idea. Because of the way you play, there is ample time between and durring hands to hold conversations, you can play it anywhere you have a table (except stores and such, though the Wendy's by my high school eventually provided empty cups every day after classes for us to keep the stakes in), and the very nature of the game is designed for comrodery(SP?).
Camaraderie? I thought the nature of Poker was "bluff, cheat, and mind**** your way to victory."
I have been wanting to watch the DnD movie for a while, I've heard it's more fun when you have friends to laugh at it along with you...maybe once I know the guys a bit better I'll try to reel in some victims with the promise of free popcorn.
They also play Magic, but I'm not willing to spend $100s on a semi-decent deck that'll be obsoleted in a year anyway.
Anyhoo-ha, just relax, calm down, figure out a way to sell yourself to your "gaming friends". If you put enough effort into showing you're interested in getting to know these people, their actions will return two-fold in your favor. If it doesn't work out, then screw them.... leave it as just gaming.
You may not have a whole lot in common with those other people as you say, but that may just be at first glance. You will not know for sure until you know them better, no? Sometimes the best friendly connections form between people who don't have all that much in common. Try talking a little bit about other things you do and ask them about the things they like besides playing DnD if you meet them. It may also help if you can find a place to play at that you don't need to pay for, so that you can take a break halfway your game, sit back, and talk a little bit OOC-ly.
Honestly, my best friends? I most likely wouldn't have them if we hadn't been forced to play together during Physical Education. I'm glad that we were, however.
I am not saying you have to be an extrovert, many people are not, but a smile and a how are ya doing goes a long way. If you're no good at small talk and really uncomfortable, when they inevtiably ask you how you are doing say OK , but really pushed for time- good to see you, see you next....really gotta go.You've been polite, cordial, and friendly-nothing wrong with that.
If they stop to introduce people to you, they're offering a part of them selves and their lives outside D & D. You should repond with a smile, hand shake, and a nice to meet you- they go long way.
Our game meets in guys houses. One way to really make waves is to not acknowledge people spouses or Sig others. That being said, I played baseball along time before I played D & D, and there's an old baseball clubhouse saying that I brought with me and has served me well: "What you say here, what you see here, let it stay here here, when you leave here."
Ian