Thanks goes out to Kittencaboodle for starting the original and having it last for 4 years!
Seen as I have been missing out on my own games I will now leave it open to all of you.
(note if this does manage to get a few pages on it then don't bother reading all of them just jump to the end and add your own lines)
And here is the original thread in all its glory:
Best Thread Ever
Or if you prefer here it is available as a dl
As I haven't created much (and since this is the first post of the thread), I'll share one conversation that happened a few sessions ago. The party of two, Danar (Zora Summoner) and Alikom (Rito Overdrive Knight who used to live on an island with Chozo), had just arrived at the top of a tower on an enemy ship they were hiding on. There are lots of boxes and crates there.
Danar: *opens a crate* Oh, hey, look, iron pipes. These will come in handy if I lose my pistol.
Alikom: Or if they come too close. I'll check the boxes on this side, you go that way, okay? We might find more handy stuff.
Danar: Sure thing, Ali. *opens a box* Hey, it's a box. *opens the box* Hey... another box?! *opens the box* What the... *several more boxes are opened* I swear, if this isn't the last box... *opens the box and finds a picture of himself* ...wow, how in the hell did that... damn, I look good.
Alikom: *finds another crate and cracks it open with one of the iron pipes* Let's see what's in here... hmm, bags. *examines bags* What's this... a name? S-A-N-T-A. Who in the name of Bahamut is that?
*Alikom searches through the bags and finds several boxes wrapped in colourful paper inside. Upon opening a smaller one, he finds a cube made up of smaller cubes with its six sides in different colours.*
Alikom (OOC): A RUBIX CUBE?
DM: It's the weapon that will save the universe.
Danar (OOC): Really?
DM: No.
Danar: Balls.
*After the two of them have searched through more boxes and crates, they meet back at the stairs where they started.*
Danar: Okay, so what did you find?
Alikom: I found a green tunic and a matching cap, but its too small for me, so I'll keep it for the little guy we left in town with Yggdrinon. And I found a weird orange helmet with a green visor that seems vaguely familiar. (OOC) *gives the DM a glare* It's what I think it is, right?
DM: *grins wickedly*
Alikom: I swear, for some reason, it feels as if the last couple of minutes I've been played a big prank on.
Danar: Same here, but at least I found some booze. *holds up bottles of Heineken*
Alikom (OOC): Oh dear God.
DM: You weren't planning on taking levels of Drunken Master, were you?
"Maybe it's a friendly lich!"
"My life is in the hands of a man who can only think about tabbies. Great."
And then much later;
"'Crazy's not contagious. You really are insane, aren't you?'
OOC: Don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby."
And, on a different tangent, my own charrie; "I condone the construction of anything with the word 'siege' in it's name."
Zombie successfully grabs the warlock, in which the warlock protests.
Warlock (OOC): Aw dangit, now I have to escape his grab don't I? It's reflex is probably really high isn't it?
I exchanged some looks with the other players.
Me: Um... ZOMBIE
---------
The group encounters some non-hostile gnolls, whom are only speaking abyssal, which only the warlock knows.
While the warlock is speaking with the gnolls, the paladin pipes up.
Paladin: Since I can not understand what they are saying, I shall dance for them to transcend the language barrier!
The paladin is covered head to toe with zombie guts, and other various goo. So as the paladin is dancing, the goo is flying around, I warn the paladin that this is happening and the gnolls are becoming agitated.
Paladin: *still dancing* Is the dancing working?
Warlock: *rolls a bluff* Keep the dancing up, they really like it! *takes a step back*
Rogue: Ugh, I don't know you *starts to walk away*
The paladin rolled an insight vs the bluff, but failed it was 29 vs 31, so it was close. The gnolls soon attacked the paladin.
Anyway, I'll still contribute.
"This is going to be one of those games, isn't it?" One player asked this as we begin planning for a homebrew Transformers campaign, and the cast includes a kung-fu ostrich and motor unicycle. (I'm the ostrich).
"And one thing I learned in the alpha testing: never let the players near a canonical NPC when they're close to earning a "Yes-I-Can Token." The GM, explaining the rules. You can trade in 5 touch points (action points) to just declare any action a success (where an action may involve a series of rolls). In the alpha test, the 5-foot tall robot flipped Megatron over his back, into Starscream, through a space portal, and in the direction of a black hole. In the beta test, the medic used an operating tool to remove Megatron's Spark. Which then led to this one: "Give me that! *shink*" That was the sound of an enemy stealing the spark extractor and putting Megatron's "soul" back.
Mainly tagging this, but some lines from a freeform RP on a forum;
"My life is in the hands of a man who can only think about tabbies. Great."
And then much later;
"'Crazy's not contagious. You really are insane, aren't you?'
OOC: Don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby, don't mention the tabby."
And, on a different tangent, my own charrie; "I condone the construction of anything with the word 'siege' in it's name."
Even a siege tabby?
Someday you gotta tell me about the tabby! (My current campaign has a wizard who's fond of tabbies because the player has an ST (Significant Tabby) in his life...)Mayor: Did you kill the Dragon?
To the Mayor: Of course we killed the Dragon. How do you think we got it's treasure. (As a dark and foreboding shadow passes overhead)
Even a siege tabby?
Actually that was about the extent of it, other than the conversation surrounding them;
DM: there are strange seems-like patterens in the wall of a different color and texture than usual.
Me: I poke them.
PC: I go over to rosque. "Need a prod, too? Do you ever think about what might happen when you instigate strange things?"
Me: "Oh, I think about it. But then I get bored and think about cats instead. I like tabbies. So, you have any dream sequences and/or memories of life outside this place?"
PC: I hold my head in my hands for a moment, then look up. "My life is in the hands of a guy who can only think about tabbies. great."
Me: "That's not true. I can think about all kinds of cats. Tabbies just happen to be one of my favorites. And it's been working out so far. Any thoughts on this weird bit of the wall?"
-------------------------------------
PC: "Come on! Only Rosque is the crazy one!"
Me:"Well, maybe it's contagious."
PC: "Craziness isn't contagious! You really are insane, aren't you?"
Ooc: Don't mention tabby. Don't mention tabby.
Me:"I wouldn't say I'm insane. Perhaps a bit more preocupied with calico cats than normal."
OOC: I didn't mention tabbies :D
-----------------------------------
Also, I'm just proud of working this into the dialogue
Me: "Well, if and when those situations come, I'll have your back."
NPC: "no matter what?"
Me: "Of course. Who the hell do you think I am?"
Ah, to the end of an age... I think it will one day be a badge of honor, to have one's screen name in the first Best lines ever thread..
Ha-ha! I have a badge! Eat that newbies!
Ha-ha! I have a badge! Eat that newbies!
So do I. In fact, I have the final one.
Anyway, some one-liners & two-liners from last summer:
"All of a sudden, Jack's pants magically fall."
"I hate prestidigitation."
"The raiders storm in and kill Thaird, then leave."
"WHAT!?!?!"
"Shut up, or i'll punt you."
"What?!? You didn't even ask him his name?!?"
(This line happened multiple times. Our DM tortured us because we forgot to ask the name of the old man who gathered us and sent us on our quest."
My low-magic world where the players have to travel everywhere on foot or by horse. No teleportation magic. They're camped up in the wizard's Rope Trick sleeping soundly, in the middle of a hostile wood.
Damn shame they left their horses unattended.....
I rolled an encounter table, 3 dire bears roar out of the woods, and start raping the horses with much gusto, sticking claws and fangs through ribs and eyesockets, tearing them to shreds. The PCs all spill from the rope trick, trying to save their rides. A bloody, drawn out battle ensues. They fail.
The dwarven fighter, played by a guy brand new to DnD, had every single thing possible on his character sheet. String, a mirror, waxpaper, you frigging name it, his 19 str. dwarf had it. So he pulls out his spade (never used before in the game) and digs a giant grave for the 5 dead horses.
So there they are that game-morning, trudging through the woods on foot, weeks from anywhere civilized, not saying anything, I'm narrating the rain and gloom, and they players are all looking at me with downcast eyes. The dwarf chimes in:
"Hey, at least I got to use my shovel!" :D
We walk in the room where the Matron is waiting with her priestess daughters. Before we get more then a few steps into the room our dwarf barbarian charges across the room, power attacks, and drops the Matron with a critical.
Both sides stand stunned as he raises his axe above his head and screams
"NOW I'M THE MATRON!!!"
Our party was fighting a giant, and my turn rolled around. At the time I was playing a halfling rogue.
Me: I roll between it's legs, so I can get behind it.
DM: Ok, roll a tumble check.
Me: I roll a 1 *face hits table*
DM: You get half way through and *roll* the giants ***** falls on you.
Group:
This second one was with the same group, different adventure. One of our players like to play his characters as stupid as he possibly could. He was playing a halfling at one point. His halfling got the rest of the party into numerous fights with townspeople, and tried to hurt us more than our enemies. The events went like this.
Me: I go and spend half my money on a Heavy wooden box, and the biggest horse I can find to drag it along.
DM: Ok, now what are you doing with the box
Me: I'm putting the damn halfling in it and locking it.
I roll for grapple and finally with some aid get the squealing and flailing halfling into the box and lock it, then tie it to the saddle on the horse with the rope I had.
Halfling: I headbutt the inside of the box to try and break free.
DM: Ok, roll for attack
Halfling: Ummm....1
DM: (Dumbfounded by the whole thing) I'm not sure what die I should use for damage. Roll your base attack damage.
Halfling: 17
DM: You are unconcious, with a heavy gash in your forehead. The rest of the party hears a dull thud, but pass it off as the box hitting a rock. *Hands player a new character sheet*
[Previous Adventure Notes can be found hereand here.]
---------------------------------------------------
DM (Me): Your arrow hits the Gnoll in the stomach. It crumbles up and falls to the ground.
Dimitry: Crumbles? As in, into crumbs?
Vanador: I think he meant 'Crumples'. Unless we're fighting cookie-men.
Dimitry: (sing-song voice) Plooooot-twiiiiiiiiiiiist...
DM: *shame*
---------------------------------------------------
DM: A pleasant, elderly woman in a silk bonnet walks up to you as you're preparing to leave.
Dimitry: (Eyes go wide in fear; he's gamed with me before) POWER ATTACK!!!
Vanador talks him out of it, and they go to the old woman's cottage for tea and divinations. After their talk...
Woman: It was so nice to sit and talk to you nice boys.
Vanador: Thank you, the tea was delicious.
Woman: Yes. Now, I believe you are going to kill me.
D+V: ...?
Woman: Well, after you figure out that my powers come from drinking the blood of innocent children, I do expect our conversation to go down hill rather quickly.
Dimitry: *glances angrily at Vanador* POWER ATTACK!!!
----------------------------------------------------
Speaking to a Death Cultist NPC who had recently taken part in a botched dark ritual...
Vanador: OK. You ripped a gateway to Hell, killed half the town, and raised the dead as feral zombies. We're going to kill you. But it can go two ways. We want you to run as fast as you possibly can toward the south of the town to draw the Zombies to you, and right before they catch you, I'll put an arrow through your head to end it instantly. If you don't agree to do this, we'll tie you this building and let the Zombies rip you apart slowly.
Dimitry: God I love being Neutral.
-----------------------------------------------------
Vanador: Go talk to the guards.
Dimitry: What? I don't want to talk to the guards.
Vanador: WHAT?!?!? You're a Paladin, you have Diplomacy, Charisma, and they're DRAGONBORN!!! Go talk to the guards.
Dimitry: *sigh* Fine, but this is under protest. *walks up to guards* ...'Sup.
DM+Vanador: *shame*
----------------------------------------------------
DM: So, you're on the road. What do you want to do on the way?
Dimitry: Hm? Oh, nothing really.
DM: ...Nothing?
Dimitry: *shakes head* No, not really.
DM: You... Don't want to talk to the captain of the elite strike force who saved you from the Deathjump spiders? Ask her about her clan's history?
Dimitry: No, I'm good.
Vanador: C'mon man, he has his notes out, he obviously has plot he wants to get out, throw him a bone.
Dimitry: Fine! *exagerated cough* So! Tell me about your clan history!
DM: Happy to oblige! You see, our clan was officially adopted into the City population after we helped repel an invasion of the Horde, about 100 years-
Dimitry: OK, exposition achieved, next!
DM: *rage*
-------------------------------------------------------
DM: The War Devil stands with two Succubi concubines flanking on either side and a retinue of four Legion Devils standing around him.
Dimitry: We're two Level 4 Martial characters. Knowledge Religion on the big guy to see how much we're f***ed.
*rolls high*
DM: Pretty hardcore f***ed.
Dimitry: Oh damn.
War Devil: Heroes, I admire your courage, and will offer you a deal.
Vanador: With the Devil, as it were.
War Devil: Yes, now shut up. I will allow you, and all the survivors in this city to leave alive from my undead force, if you can defeat five of my men in combat.
Dimitry: How do we know we can trust you? Wait. Are you a Demon or a Devil?
War Devil: ...I'm a Devil.
Dimitry: OK, I trust you. Deal.
The four Legion Devils attack, and the fight is harder than it ought to be due to hateful dice. Vanador and Dimitry are panting and bloodied afterward.
War Devil: *laughs* Good show! The fifth Devil you must defeat, is myself.
Dimitry: Oh ******* ******* ** ****** ***** ******* **.
Vanador: Wait! This must be plot! DEUS EX MACHINA, WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?
-------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned next week for more adventures of Vanador and Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
This isn't so much a funny line, but a hilarious experience for a fresh group that isn't used to a game not being bound by limits.
My group is still really new to D&D, and are constantly asking if they're allowed to try something. I have a pretty good poker face, and repeatedly tell them they can try anything they want.
So they're at a large wood gate with some iron bands to reinforce it. There's a few openings in it for the goblins on the other side to shoot through.
Show
Dragonborn Paladin: Can I try to light the door on fire and see if it breaks?
Me: You can try.
-rolls a high number, I allow the door to be on fire-
Fighter: Can I try to push the door down?
Me: You can try, but you'll probably take fire damage.
Fighter: Okay!
-proceeds to roll a crit on the check, while taking minimal fire damage-
Me: Alright, you pin a goblin who was caught by surprise, he takes x fire damage.
Ranger: Can he be seen through any of the holes?
Me: Yes, the upper part of his torso is visible through a hole.
Ranger: Can I like, jump up there and shoot him through the hole?
Me: You can try, but keep in mind your leaping on a burning door.
Ranger: Will I provoke an opportunity attack [by using a ranged attack at melee range]?
Me: He's under a flaming door. I'll rule no.
-leaps on the door, Twin Strikes with his bow, crits one and hits on the other-
Ranger: So is he dead?
-I check the sheet-
Me: He was dead 15 damage ago.
Me: You can try.
-rolls a high number, I allow the door to be on fire-
Fighter: Can I try to push the door down?
Me: You can try, but you'll probably take fire damage.
Fighter: Okay!
-proceeds to roll a crit on the check, while taking minimal fire damage-
Me: Alright, you pin a goblin who was caught by surprise, he takes x fire damage.
Ranger: Can he be seen through any of the holes?
Me: Yes, the upper part of his torso is visible through a hole.
Ranger: Can I like, jump up there and shoot him through the hole?
Me: You can try, but keep in mind your leaping on a burning door.
Ranger: Will I provoke an opportunity attack [by using a ranged attack at melee range]?
Me: He's under a flaming door. I'll rule no.
-leaps on the door, Twin Strikes with his bow, crits one and hits on the other-
Ranger: So is he dead?
-I check the sheet-
Me: He was dead 15 damage ago.
What is the orange helmet with green visor? I feel like I'm just missing the reference. Also, it looks like we have two sequels: http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=1107486 Could we consider merging them?
It was Samus' helmet (from the Metroid series where the Chozo come from). ;)
And yes, if the two threads could be merged by a moderator or admin, that would be great. Looks like I was creating this thread at exactly the same time as the other thread creator.
The midboss, sauve as he is, smiles:
DM "Put down your arms and you won't be armed!"
Familar "He's right. We won't be armed."
General snickering
DM "-_-"
The wizard then casts a spell and detaches both her arms. Melodrama ensues...
Wizard "I'm not armed. Please~ have mercy"
More snickering.
DM "Screw this. Shoot them!"
Drunken Dwarf: "how about me?"
And yes, if the two threads could be merged by a moderator or admin, that would be great. Looks like I was creating this thread at exactly the same time as the other thread creator.
I've already put in the request.
4 Players in unison: You dont know me like that!
the DM looked so befuddled
I've already put in the request.
Thank you, Zherog.
DM: So they're really like amsterdammertjes (
).Me: Get shot in the face more than once, and you truly have a bycicle rack.
Grazz't: Forgive me if I don't trust you.
Crimson Gunner: Trust me. The feeling is mutual.
On topic now. Ok, my group consists of my character, a DMPC elf ranger, a dwarf cleric, and a genasi wizard. Until recently, we had an obnoxious eladrin swordmage too.
Ok, so we're fighting an orcish raiding party after the fall of a dwarven stronghold (due to a hobgoblin army and a few tribes of orc mercenaries).
Orc Berserker: 'Allo, eladrin. Ready ta die? *pulls out an axe*
Swordmage: Oh, so you wanna go, huh? Well, I've got plenty here for you! *flashes orc*
Carric (ranger):
Jack***DM: AoO. *rolls* Crit. Ok, you just got castrated
.Rest of Group:
He then got bull rushed three times, fell 4 squares, and another orc jumped down and finished him.
"Well buddy... I don't have the information yet, it's been difficult to track down when you're trying to be all cloak and dagger but in the mean time..." (they guy i wanted info about just passed by us pretty close) "... how about some.. uh.. pie! Yeah, pie! Pie is good, pie is delicious and unlike some things... pie does not disappoint!"
Me: I suddenly appear from the forest, and walk toward the town.
Him(to me): "Could you show me where the Inn is?"
Me: "Sure I was planning on finding some nice wine there..." I proceed to walk back into the forest.
WHY IN THE NINE HELLS DID THEY CLOSE THE OLD THREAD:headexplo !!!!????
Oh, I don't know - maybe the fact that it was near a hundred-fifty pages and five-and-a-half thousand posts? If you read the last post you'd know that they appear to have had trouble (undefined, but there you go) with large topics in the past, so it was decided to close the topic due to its size. But you'd actually have to have read the post in question: http://forums.gleemax.com/showpost.php?p=17154935&postcount=5448
DM: So they're really like amsterdammertjes
Frikadel-shooter beats that. :P
And I like how upon the merging of the two threads that were simultaneously created after the closure of the old topic, my thread's chosen name prevailed as the topic title. xD
DM: You recognize it as the escaped soul of a lich.
Rogue: So, should I drink it?
The (not-so) brief exposition:
After a long and hard late-night fight against a large and horrible undead creature, that raised badly rotted zombies and making them explode in the players' faces on several occasions, they return to the village intent on reporting their "success" to the town lord.
However, the guards refuse to let them past the inner gate due to a) The administrator being asleep by now and b) For having a stench of rotting corpses on them, to put it mildly. After bickering with the guards for a while, failing several Diplomacy and Bluff checks, the dwarf of the group gets tired of the argument.
Dwarf: Fine! I'll wait right here until he wakes up, then!
Guard (me): Go have a bath and come back tomorrow. Then I'm sure the lord will be happy to see you about your "important" business.
Dwarf (ooc): I'm a dwarf, by my honor I'll wait here!
Dwarf (ic): By my honor I will stand here all night and stink! Do you want to smell this all night?!
Game breakdown ensues.
[fliprushman] 11:52 am: lol
[TheMagicalMick] 11:52 am: Depends on how hungry you are.
[Nyt] 11:52 am: that is perfect Mick...
[Tedronai] 11:52 am: and yes, Nyt, it is, if you're immune to fungal infections
[fliprushman] 11:52 am: eat it and if you get sick, then no it wasn't
[Nyt] 11:53 am: trial and error! I like it!
[Nyt] 11:53 am: I am eating it in 5 4
[Nyt] 11:53 am: 3
[fliprushman] 11:53 am: lol the only way to learn
[Nyt] 11:53 am: 2
[Nyt] 11:53 am: 1
[Tempest Fennac] 11:53 am: o,O
[Nyt] 11:53 am: .5
[Tedronai] 11:53 am: mostly error
[Nyt] 11:53 am: .4
[Nyt] 11:54 am: .3
[Dizzy-chan] 11:54 am: NO!!!
[Nyt] 11:54 am: .2
[Tedronai] 11:54 am: eat, already
[fliprushman] 11:54 am: I bet it's already in his mouth, he's just pulling our chain
[Nyt] 11:54 am: I did. 30 seconds before i asked if it was safe....
[Tedronai] 11:54 am: nice job
[Nyt] 11:54 am:
"Look. It's Bat-monk and Bobbin."
The ensuing laughter stopped the game for a good five minutes.
Carmen was very Silent Bob-like with her humor, the rare times she said something comical it was usually incredible. It's not gaming-related, but we used to have our own Mystery Science Theater nights, picking a movie and ridiculing it. One night, we committed the blasphemy of MST'ing Star Wars. Carmen was quiet most of the night, then in the Death Star trench run we heard ...
Dialogue: "Luke! Pull out!"
Carmen: "She's your sister!"
Me: You know, Relativism was disproved by Plato.
Grey: My hair is a bird and your argument is invalid.
Do I need explain?
Is it even logically possible to explain?
I'd say no on both accounts.
------------------------------------------
Vanador: Tell me how many reinforcements you have? *Intimidate, Pass*
Warrior NPC: ...Two score.
Vanador: Damn, 40 more of them.
Warrior: Wait, what? A score's a dozen, right?
Vanador: No, a score's 20.
Dimitry: I thought it was 13, or 15.
Vanador: No, that's a BAKER'S dozen. And 15. Just 15.
Warrior: What's 14 again?
Vanador: ...Are you talking about a fortnight?
Warrior: Yes, that's it!
Dimitry: We're being attacked by two fortnights?
Vanador: No, by two score!
Dimitry: Which is 40. Or 24. Or possibly February.
Vanador: It's 40 men.
Warrior: No it's not.
Vanador: *exasperated sigh, turns to Warrior* OK, so! We can all agree that we're being attacked, by more Warriors, numbering somewhere between 24 and 40, right?
Warrior: ...Yyyyyyyyyes, yes that's right.
Vanador: Thank you! *slits Warrior's throat* Moving on.
---------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next week's adventure, when our heroes fight brainwashed Warforged, beat up an old man and dear friend, and reunite an estranged father with his son by burning down his store with him inside (long story).
Lizard Shaman: "This Candle shines it gaze on all who would dare lie to our great chief. May the Light of Truth shine upon all, so you our chief may s..."
Barb: *blows out candle*.
Stunned silence for about 10 or so seconds.
Ninja (Me):...ghost step.
Yeah, we all got killed.
One of our number is a member of the Divine Court, holding the title as Middle Finger [the God who judges mortals]. Some people are trying to make him give up his title in exchange for a Coatl (which we weren't all that interested in...). The discussion had gone on for a while.
Me: "So, let me get this straight. You'll give us a winged-snake thing, that we have no way of knowing if it would attack us on sight. And in exchange you want the Finger?"
DM: "Yes"
*The whole table puts up the middle finger in the DMs direction*
DM: "Okay, they leave."
No explanation necessary:
"So you're pretty useless as a Death God, aren't ya?"
This one requires a bit of explanation. One of our number [Logos] is the patron of knowledge and architecture and had been visiting one of our number in his palace and remarked: "Well the supporting wall there *points* won't last three years like this."
Later on, a Coatl had (mysteriously) materialised in his throneroom and a fight had ensued. A lot of property damage had occured.
Logos: "At least I was right. That wall definitely didn't last three years."
*Pause*
*Everybody laughs*
From a Dark Heresy game:
DM: "So, did you buy equipment?"
Arbiter: "Sure, just had a bit of trouble buying enough ammo."
DM: "Well, it's-"
Arbiter: "18 Thrones per shot for my shotgun..."
DM: "Wait... what? It's like 1 or 2, I think" *flips open book* "Here, look!"
Arbiter: "Oh, that's normal shells. I'm using Infernal Shells."
DM: "..."
Me: "Infernal Shells? What do they do?"
Arbiter: "Light people on fire"
Me: "Cool."
Later on, when an attacker had tried to steal something we were supposed to collect from a contact, he was fleeing into the masses on the street.
Arbiter: "I fire a warning shot into the air and tell everybody to get down."
DM: "Okay, you get a clear shot for a moment"
Arbiter: "I fire my other barrel. The one I load with Infernal Shells."
DM: "Okay, he's n fire."
Me (OOC): "I wonder if we'll be able to spot him on fire in the crowd? He'll be blending in so splendidly"
Our group below was at level 19
Roy Gildock Gnome Illusionist (My character)
Emin Human Cleric Church Inquisitor
Sven Human Warmage
Veldran Elf Bard
(forgot his name) Human Warlock
As we cross the last corridor in the catacomb the warlock looks around for traps with detect magic, and sees the entire corridor is lined with trapped tiles
so him Veldran and Sven fly across to the alcove on the other side of the corridor I decide on the direct approach Roy steps onto the first tile in the corridor and receives a 10 D6 Lightning Bolt for his trouble.
As Emin comes towards Roy to start healing.
Roy: "Ow, you have Revivify handy dont you?"
Emin: "Yes, but your not dead."
Roy: "I am now, I cast Excavate on the floor of the tunnel."
35 Lightning Bolts later one severely fried Gnome gets a Revivify.
Veldran: "You are possibly the stupidest smart guy I have ever met"
Kel'seer: Greetings, fair farmers! Your farm has been saved!
Mandor: Wait, did we ever put out that fire?
BOOM! *a giant mushroom cloud erupts behind them*
Kel'seer: I mean, your farm has been destroyed!
Different campaign. The party rogue carries all the gold. Originally it was because the player has the best math skills, but in character reasons developed quickly. Case in point, introducing a new character to the party. Note that Isabel and Enel are female characters/players.
Isabel: Come on dear, you're safe now. Are you hurt? You can ride my horse back to town.
Enel: You have a horse?!
Isabel: Yeah! His name is Arden and he's so cute!
Enel: Eeeeee! I want a horse!
Isabel: Yeah! You should get a girl horse! And we can breed them! And get -
Both: PONIES!
Hassash (addressing the rest of the party): You see this? This right here is why I'm carrying the gold.
Omni: I'm sorry, but I'm not here right now. Please leave a message at the sound of your death. *stabs him in the back*
Looking down at the silent corpse:
Omni: Huh. No message.
Just one really good exchange this time (mostly due to some serious plot derailing complete with discussion on familial reconciliation through arson (hopefully more next week on this subject)), on the continuing adventures of Vanador and Dimitry of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic:
------------------------------------------
Vanador: Tell me how many reinforcements you have? *Intimidate, Pass*
Warrior NPC: ...Two score.
Vanador: Damn, 40 more of them.
Warrior: Wait, what? A score's a dozen, right?
Vanador: No, a score's 20.
Dimitry: I thought it was 13, or 15.
Vanador: No, that's a BAKER'S dozen. And 15. Just 15.
Warrior: What's 14 again?
Vanador: ...Are you talking about a fortnight?
Warrior: Yes, that's it!
Dimitry: We're being attacked by two fortnights?
Vanador: No, by two score!
Dimitry: Which is 40. Or 24. Or possibly February.
Vanador: It's 40 men.
Warrior: No it's not.
Vanador: *exasperated sigh, turns to Warrior* OK, so! We can all agree that we're being attacked, by more Warriors, numbering somewhere between 24 and 40, right?
Warrior: ...Yyyyyyyyyes, yes that's right.
Vanador: Thank you! *slits Warrior's throat* Moving on.
---------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next week's adventure, when our heroes fight brainwashed Warforged, beat up an old man and dear friend, and reunite an estranged father with his son by burning down his store with him inside (long story).
Oh my god. That was so funny that I was literally in tears laughing so hard. Specifically the line
Which is 40. Or 24. Or possibly February.
Not even joking..
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard 2
Daxon Silver: human swashbuckler 2
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue 2
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric of Ehlonna 2 (my NPC)
The intrepid adventurers had been assigned to head east to deal with some gnoll infestations outside of a major lumber town. The town's leader required the party to bring back evidence of their prowess in order for payment.
Katrina: I am not bringing back anymore heads!
Daxon: How about left thumbs? Everyone has a left thumb!
Katrina: We need a bag of holding.
Elim: How does one hose out a bag of holding?
Much laughter ensued. Then as the party fought the gnolls and the ogre guarding the cave (the entrance to which was a pit in a naturally occuring depression in the geography) where the humanoids were suspected of hiding out this happened:
Elim shouting: Thumbs will roll!!!
Then, after Elim had dealt the death blow to the ogre, the ogre fell in Elim's general direction prompting a Reflex save.
Elim: Natural 1
Me: Ever see that scene in Roger Rabbit where the judge gets flattened?
Elim: That's me isn't it?
Me: Yup, 14 damage
Elim: I am at -2
The ogre steamrolled him as he fell over the edge of the derpression, luckily for Elim. Fun was had by all!
After all this with a real chance of dying, I conceived of and wrote this is the next couple minutes waiting for my turn in the chaos of combat.
Imagine a small group of adventures staring at their doom in the form of a shapeless horde of hell's residents, feeling hopeless as the swarm crashes into them. Suddenly, a bolstering voice cries out from the chaos:
"I am the Light.
I turn away the darkness.
I shine in the shadows.
I bring Lathander's Radiance to the world.
I glow like the sun,
And my Light shall not be extinguished
As Lathander's Grace is upon me!"
To make matters even better, I rolled a natural 20 on my Persuasion!
:D
"I am the Light.
I turn away the darkness.
I shine in the shadows.
I bring Lathander's Radiance to the world.
I glow like the sun,
And my Light shall not be extinguished
As Lathander's Grace is upon me!"
To make matters even better, I rolled a natural 20 on my Persuasion!
:D
Nice.
You shoulda finished with "Who the hell do you think I am!?" :D
They were chasing after a thief when they bumped into a mysterious merchant
Madame S: (terrible gypsy accent) You there! The one with the sickening smile!
Andru: Are you talking to me?
Madame S: *looks at him head to toe* Hmm yes, I suppose you will do, can you help me out?
Andru: Well... even though you are dressed funny, I suppose, yes, I can help you
Sith: Hey I just got my money pouch stolen, did you see some tiny guy run by?
Madame S: I am Madame S, if you find my enchanted fishing rod, I will reward you
Zaera: What does the S stand for?
Madame S: *shifty eyes* it's a secret, now will you find my fishing rod?
Obsinicrag (OOC): What the hell does an enchanted fishing rod do? +1 to fishes?
Inside the sewers, they run into a group of bandits drowning someone in the muck.
Andru: WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?
NPC: *shifty eyes* Um nothing at all *keeps his foot above the muck*
Obsinicrag: *grabs and starts choking the NPC leader* What are you doing?
NPC: *gagging noises*
Andru: Crag you should calm down!
Obsinicrag: *growls and tosses the leader into the muck*
Andru: Psst, Zaera, I think we should give the dear dragon a bubblebath, those always make me feel better!
Zaera: For once Andru, you're right, and I think I'd like a bubblebath too...
Andru: We should all have a bath together!
Zaera: Umm... no
Obsinicrag: *under breath* You damn people...
After Andru performed mouth to mouth on the drowning guy, they needed to wake him up.
Andru: When I was training with the Sune knights, this is how we were waken up every morning! *ahem* GOOOOOOOODDDD MORNING, GOOD MORNING!
Zaera: *bangs head against the wall*
Murai: Zaera give me your shuriken *throws the shuriken and hits Andru on the back of the head*
Andru: Owwwww!
"I cast detect magic."
"It's not magical, sorry."
"Good, because I don't have detect magic."
Quincey McAlister: tactical warlord, the child of two successful adventurers. Childhood friend of Windblossom
Windblossom Jones: party rogue, think MacGuyver meets Thief.
Sintare: elven ranger. Has already been killed 4 times by needlefangs. Most of the party have a phobia of them by now.
Rol: eladrin wizard played whose player is known only as Ogre
Korav: dragonborn fighter
forget-his-name: dwarf paladin of the Raven Queen, hasn't been able to make it
Aegis: the mime. He's an albino tiefling archivist who can't talk. NPC leader before McAlister and Windblossom joined.
The DM, explaining the disappearance of one character (player couldn't make it):
"You're short one dwarf."
Everyone:
DM:
When a trap on the temple of Pelor abducts McAlister and Windblossom and puts us in stasis for later use:
"This temple collects people who could be helpful."
As the warlord (Quincey McAlister) tries to use inspiring word to revive the fighter who's still making death saving throws:
"Hey, get up! You can't die yet! Windblossom says he hasn't had a chance to get you in debt to him yet." Note that Windblossom Jones is McAlister's childhood friend and a bit of a mixture of MacGuyver and Thief. McAlister's one overriding flaw is his total (and naive) faith in Windblossom.
DM: Uhhh, I guess. That'd be a bluff v. sense motive check followed by a sleight of hand v. spot check.
Other PC rolls a 32 bluff: Hey, look over there at that corpse on the wall! It jiggles when you poke it.
Cleric fails Sense Motive check: True. (Rolls heal check) You're activating nerve ending causing a physical reaction.
I roll a 23 sleight of hand. Cleric rolls a 15 spot check.
*ten minutes later*
Me: I have some ********* in a bag, I'll sell you your nuts back for 15 gold.
(Me, to the Warlock) "Hey, when you get Ritual Caster next level you can even resize weapons we find for the Minotaur so he can deal more damage with them"
(Warlock) "Yeah, or make 'em smaller *laughs*"
(Me) "No, even better! Sneak into his room at night and make all his weapons and armor Halfling sized"
(Everyone but the Minotaur) *laughs hysterically*
(Minotaur) "I hate you guys"
(Me) "Even his underwear" :P
DM: As you wake up, you realise your in a tent. In front of you is a large torturer-looking tiefling. Your bound in chains and have no equipment. Aerka (my cleric friend) is knocked out for the time being.
Torturer Tiefling: Aaahh...your awake now.
Me (Human Rogue): Damn right i am!!
Torturer Tiefling: We can make this meeting smooth and quick or long and painful...
Me: Hmm?
Torturer Tiefling: You see, all we want is some infomation on the Nothern Camp.
Me: (Bluffing) What Northern Camp? *Roll for bluffing, gets a terrible roll*
Torturer Tiefling: Heheheh...I'm not going to playing these silly games, the only game i'll play is "Skin the Prisoner"
DM: the large tifling pulls out a wicked knife, one edge is saw-edged like a hacksaw.
Me (Out of game): Oooohhh s**t...
Me (In game, to DM): I look around the tent and fully observe my surrondings, maybe i can escape...
DM: The tent is made of horse's hide. Apart from the tiefling there is a small wooden box and an armchair. You are also butt-naked.
Me (to Tiefling): Ha! Whats the worst you can do! Castrate me?
DM: enter a wirey tiefling with a large hammer and an evil grin.
Me: Oh F**k!
You can guess what happened next.
Raelin "Rael" Kazoth: Undead-hatey cleric of Pelor. Multiclassed into ranger to kill the ba----ds. Wields a solar fullblade. Really, it's just a sun fullblade, but solar sounds cooler. Sky pirate. Really.
Alak Aurellia: Human swordmage with a powerful electrical affinity. Essentially, he's a stormsoul genasi with a human skin. Deposed prince of Aurellia.
Skamos "Ska" Hannibalecter: Homicidal and pyromaniacal tiefling helllock.
Gina: Modded warforged barbarian. Alak's bodyguard. She actually is a sophisticated gynoid designed to mimic a half-elf.
Skamos: "Killing people? Sign me up!"
Alak: "We'll only kill when it's absolutely necessary!"
Ska: "Don't worry! I will go above and beyond the call of duty!"
Alak: "All right, Rael and Ska. You stay here; Gina and I will go for supplies."
Raelin (Me): "I suggest you take the devil with you."
Alak: "Why? He'll wreak all kinds of--"
Rael: "But imagine the havoc he'll wreak here. Without your supervision. While I'm busy with rituals."
Alak's expression grows ever more shocked. "Right, then. Ska, you're coming with us."
Alak, Gina and Skamos are embroiled in a battle with guards, while Rael is still in his inn room working on rituals. Rael, however, hears the commotion and slams his book dramatically... on a fly. "Oh, shoot! Pelor's Fly Revival!" It didn't work.
Entering the fray, I floated in on my Tenser's Floating Disk and wreathed in holy light. "The Dwead Piwate Pelor has come for your souuuuuls!"
Alak: "----ing hell! About time you got here! What were you doing?"
Rael: "Eating breakfast!"
Me OoC: "Pelor Bran! With two scoops of fusing hydrogen in every box!"
Ska: "What? Tieflings have a bonus to Charisma AND Bluff! The phrase 'silver-tongued devil' wasn't pulled out of a hat, you know."
Ska: "Hm. This bed's rickety. Eldritch Blast. Just as I thought. Looks like I'll have to rebuild it. Just take some bones from by body-parts basket and..." Ska actually built a bone bed. "I shall sleep well tonight!"
While attempting to sneak out of town, my fullblade, wrapped in cloth though it was, drew attention from bounty hunters. "No, it's not a sword. It's a... an ironing board." Even better: they bought it.
Steve the DM: "You turned that undead so hard, he turned back into living."
Reliving guy: "THANK YOU!!!" He runs off naked through the woods.
There's more of this stuff; I just don't remember that much of it.
Crime Boss: ...but we do have a use for you, oh yes. You'll just have to go and *describes task*. Any questions?
Me: Yeah...just one.
Crime Boss: What's that?
Me: How's your face?
I died horribly.
Thanks to some poorly advised risks, I've been captured by a crime boss who I previously lit on fire, leaving horrible disfiguring burns across his left cheek and eye. After torturing me a bit, the DM gives me an out.
Crime Boss: ...but we do have a use for you, oh yes. You'll just have to go and *describes task*. Any questions?
Me: Yeah...just one.
Crime Boss: What's that?
Me: How's your face?
I died horribly.
That's the way it's done :D
everyone rolls initiative, monk goes first.
Monk: I leap into the magic circle and attempt to destroy it.
Warlock: Wait!
DM: Too late, the Monk leaps into the room but magical symbols on the floor suddenly glows and a wave of blast hits everyone.
Everyone saves but the Monk.
DM: The monk is now stunned and falls to the ground.
Warlock *facepalms*
The party drags the monk out of the room and fights a retreating battle against the wizards minions.
So after that adventure the party is pretty wary of magicl symbols and circles. On their next adventure they discovered a trapped soul in a gem the soul belong to being from an ancient civilisation on a island that has now been lost for almost 1000 years. The reason the island has been lost is because its protected by magical wards that prevents discovery and there was only one way onto the island which the soul helped the party find. So now they're on the island they decide to split up and search the island.
The cleric and monk discovers a large magical circle in the mountain.
Cleric: I cast detect magic.
DM: The circle glows. You can detect conjuration type magic.
Monk: Conjuration! Thats bad lets destroy it.
Cleric: I cast Greater Dispel Magic
*Cleric rolls low*
DM: You fail.
Monk: Try again.
Cleric: Ok I cast another Greater Dispel Magic
*Cleric rolls really high*
DM: The magic circle glow fades away and you no longer detect any magic from it.
Monk and Cleric: Wohoo
The Warlock player at the table gets a bit worried about this.
Warlock to the soul: So how do we get off the island?
Soul: Well you can't get out by the way you came on and there's only one other way I know of. There's this teleportation circle in the mountain that we can use to get out.
Cleric: Uh oh
Monk: Whoops
Warlock: *facepalms*
From a Risus forum game I'm running (Beer and pretzels gaming):
In no particular order:
Tig (Our resident Thing from Beyond/Singer): "My mother was a saint. The hounds of tindalos tore her to pieces like cotton candy," I reply, trailing off into a gibbering mumble.
Tig: Stepping up to the altar I begin setting up my stuff. When I figure noone's looking I'll devour one of the mice in a hellish -- yet stealthy -- display of alien hunger.
Thing That Should Not Be (3): 12!
GM: No-one notices the mouse disappear, possibly because 'Hellish, yet stealthy display of alien hunger' well describes the way cats play with their food.
GM: *Ring*Ring* "Welcome to Bast hotline. I'm either asleep, eating or tomfooling. Speak #1 to tell me how great I am; Speak #2 to offer food..."
"#2!"
*Ding!* "Enjoy your two-hour drugged out haze! ta-ta!"
The can of catfood disappears.
Make save vs. weed, if your ancestry contains feline.
Brisket (Player's second character, intelligent cat): I walk a few feet, stop to lick my butt, get back up and casually wander over to the altar. "Beverly," I say to the old lady, "are you sure you don't want to rethink this? 'Cause the-- hang on." I bat at a nearby sacrificial mouse, which has landed near me due to someone else's pouncing. "'Cause the food's not impressing me and it sure as hell isn't gonna impress whoever it is you're praying to. This week."
GM: The door behind you creaks open. Should you turn to look, you'll see a blue-haired old lady with cat ears and tail and cookies on a pan. The cookies smell of dog. You may or may not want to ask.
"Hello, dears. Cookies?"
I think that's enough. :D
Badger: "I'm just gonna bang them."
Rest of party:
Badger: (realizing what she just said) "With my hammer!"
Rest of party: :D
Badger: (realizing that we've all seen 'Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog') "WHICH IS NOT MY P****!!!"
Make sure to tell us how many reinforcements there really are.
There were about 30; yeah, I totally didn't know how much a score was :D .
AND NOW, for the continuing adventures of Elven Ranger Sharpshooter Vanador and Dragonborn Paladin of the Raven Queen Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
-------------------------------------------------------------
DM: You and your men are on a ship approaching Steilia Island, home to to the world renowned Steilia Hot Springs, as a reward for your actions saving the city of New Oakbrook from the mechanical spider.
Vanador: Yes, where nothing will go wrong!
Dimitry: We are expecting a calm, relaxing vacation!
DM: I shall spend the next three hours describing bath salts and sensual massages.
Vanador: We are looking forward to it!
--------------------------------------------------------------
Female Dragonborn NPC: I am Scalia, and I shall be your hostess this evening. *turning to Dimitry* You are... Dimitry, of New Oakbrook?
Dimitry: I am.
Scalia: Oooohhh... They say you singlehandedly slew a tribe of rampaging Kobolds, saved Los Pompeilion from a horde of Undead, and ripped apart a clockwork monster with your bare hands...
Vanador: Actually, it wasn't so singl- *muffled by Dimitry*
Dimitry: I am that man, yes.
Scalia: I am quite fond of brave warriors. Play your cards right, you may have a chance to fertilize a clutch of eggs after I lay they in two and a half years.
Dimitry: Awesome.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Sphynx Painting: Are you prepared for the Challenge?
V+D: *shrug* Sure.
Sphynx Painting: What... Is Love?
V+D: *look at eachother, then turn around and start bobbing their heads in unison* Baby Don't Hurt Me No More.
Sphynx Painting: Correct! Also acceptable - "Never having to say you're sorry."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: I talk into my Whisper Stone to let Dimitry know where the ledge is.
Dimitry: ? You... you realize we're just 25' apart, right? You... you can just talk. You don't need to use the stone.
Vanador: I just got it, man! It's shiny, and new, and I wanna!
Dimitry: *sigh*
-------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: We've saved the island, cleared out the haunted temple, and now we've got a day to rest and recouperate at an enchanted Hot Springs. I'm makin' some Half-Elves.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next week's adventure of Vanador and Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
Hobgoblin commander: You, goblin! Go get reinforcements!
Adrik (dwarf laser cleric and party leader): Shoot tha goblin now, elf!
Carric (elf ranger): Whatever. *fires* *crits*
DM: Okay, the arrow goes right through his throat, ricochets off of a rock, and hits him in the gut.
Rest of Party:
Carric: That is why you don't want to make me mad
.From DMing earlier this weekend:
Player:Wait, wait. I just got that new armor and there's totally a power on it that I want to use. What was that...*starts flipping through book*
DM: It gives you a pleasant nipple massage. Can we move on?
There were about 30; yeah, I totally didn't know how much a score was :D .
AND NOW, for the continuing adventures of Elven Ranger Sharpshooter Vanador and Dragonborn Paladin of the Raven Queen Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
...
Stay tuned for next week's adventure of Vanador and Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
You should seriously look into starting a webcomic with some of this stuff, ala OOTS and LFG. I look forward to these quotes as much as seeing the new panels from them. It's like an old Laurel and Hardy or Abbot and Costello routine.
Girald, human Fighter: Do you think they hold people in there after arresting them, or take them directly to the main building?
Kora, elven Paladin, NPC: You know what, in all the weeks I've been here for, I never actually managed to run afoul of the law.
Girald: Well I guess there's only one way to find out.
Kora: Heh. I like how you think.
Girald: Oh, I'm not sure you're going to like how I think.
[Girald and Kora walk out into the open streets, presumably to scout the place out.]
Girald: Here's how much I like paladins!
[Girald whirls on Kora and punches him in the face for 9 damage. He is immediately apprehended by two guards, who take him into the station while the rest of the party sneaks in through a window]
He just set off an explosive runes trap while exploring without the party. While he screams in rage for his mistake I come to investigate.
Upon seeing the dead child: "You going to finish that?"
Aryalaínn, said eladrin illusionist-alchemist, is also possessed of an insanely high Will defense. "Ha! My brainarmor is impenetrable, base cur!" [eyes widen, Ari collapses, screams in agony] "O! dear Ioun, the agony!"
Ranger to "Z", our otherwise unpronounceable* doppelgaenger darklock: "What spell was that?"
Z: "4chan. +32 vs. Will."
*probably in any language you care to speak, especially Common. Rather like this.
She was playing a wizard and having a grand time following a powerful goblin named Irontooth around with her flaming sphere while keeping her character reasonably safe near a waterfall.
Well, Irontooth sees an opening and suddenly charges her character...
"Oh snap! I didn't mean it!" Partially in character, partially out. She was also near tears because she thought her character might die.
Earlier that night, she tried to use Ghost Sound to frighten the kobold sentries away from the waterfall cave entrance. She placed the noise behind them and the kobolds ran away from the noise...right toward the PCs.
"Oh snap!"
Tahlavel, elf ranger, commenting on Gnomly: "You can be an intern for a tavern!? I wasted college!"
Aryalaínn, eladrin illusionist-alchemist, under assault: "Aaah! Not the face!" The monster moved its attack toward my spellbook. "Never mind! Go for my face!"
DM: "He says something you don't understand."
Player: "2+2=4?"
I use small glass beads to mark when someone needs to make a save. My female play rolls it back to my after successfully rolling a save.
Player: "She rolled clear, what does that mean? Oh so she is not pregnant."
After a crit was rolled against him.
"I think I broke my pancreas."
Characters: all level 3 now
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard
Daxon Silver: human swashbuckler
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric
While raiding the slave pens that some gnolls and ogres had been running in an old cave, the party descended by means of some large ladders which required Climb checks due to it being winter and the fact that the ladders were built for bigger creatures. All succeeded except Katrina:
Katrina: I roll a 2 (for a total of 3)
Me: K, make a Reflex save (she blows it)
Katrina: I'm falling right?
Me: And hitting your chin on the rungs as you do so.
Katrina: This is seriously going to affect my Charisma
Later when it is revealed that Daxon has pilfered some gems off a gnoll or two without Elim knowing , Elim states:
Elim: I thought I smelled gems...
While walking through a forest, we disturbed some drakes that proceeded to divebomb us. After making one Michael Jordan-esque jump check to put me eye to eye with one of the beasts and slam my axe into its neck, I decided to get a little creative. I pulled out the rope I was carrying and lassoed the next one (with a +0 dex mod). I was able to pull it low enough that our orc paladin (don't ask me where that idea came from; he just wanted to make the highest strength/damage character he could in heavy armor and thought that was the best way to do it) could charge it and do what he does best. Afterwards, I looked at the situation and commented OOC, "It's a reverse pinata."
A little later, I took the lead (because neither the rogue or wizard should) and ended up getting surrounded by goblins. After surviving one round of being surrounded by two sets of flankers, I got a flank from the aforementioned paladin and had to take my chances in the middle of a vexing cloud. Knowing they are frail goblins, I decided to use Furious Smash to target a weak defense. Being annoyed, as my character was:
(we already know these are minions)
Me: How dare you strike me!
Me OOC: Since he's facing away from me, I kick him in the rear
DM: OK, roll
Me: crit 20
DM: Okay, you literally put your foot up his @$%. He's dead.
Me: Wait, up his... [pondering] Ooooh, goblin slippers!
Bard: Yo mamma's so fat, she's SUBSTANTIAL!
DM: The wraith turns to you, and a single black tear rolls down from it's eye...
In a different session, my lv 5 Spellsword is Immobilized and getting beat down by a bunch of mooks. The ranger says to me:
"What's the matter, can't you teleport or something?"
Me: Now that you mention it... Dimensional Warp!
Now the ranger (bow ranger btw) is in melee surrounded by enemies.
Me: Woo! Thanks for reminding me!
Ranger: Son of a...
Course I was only playing around and took it back, but they never ask me about teleporting ever again.
And either beggining or ending it with would you kindly?
Still working on that underwater city...
Andru - Half-Elf Paladin of Sune
Zaera - Drow Rogue/Cleric
Murai - Genasi Swordmage
Sith - Tiefling Dark Pact Warlock
Obsinicrag - Dragonborn Fighter
A battle in a room with a banquet table:
Andru: *Leaps on to the table* I shall save you, even though you are ugly!
DM: You stepped in turkey
Obsinicrag: *is blinded* That better not be food getting destroyed!
DM: It was me! I was the turkey all along!
The group emerged from the rank sewers, after a very tough battle, some are dripping with... you know.
The Gypsy NPC Madame S is near where they emerge:
Madame S: Ah zer you are my friends!
Obsinicrag (OOC): What the? We didn't even exit the same hole as we went in! How in the world did she get here?
DM: You have a sneaking suspicion she's stalking you
Zaera: *Holds up the very dirty enchanted fishing rod* Here's your rod
Madame S: *Looks in disgust* You dare give me such a dirty fishing rod? You did not even have the courtesy...
Andru: Madame, I assure you, if we knew that you were going to greet us as we emerged...
Madame S: Pah, your smell is very offensive to me
Zaera: What in the world did you want us to wipe it on? If you haven't noticed we're kinda dirty!
Murai: *Knocks off Andru's helmet* Pass me the rod *tries the clean the rod with Andru's ponytail*
Andru: Gah, what are you doing! It'll take me ages to get this out of my hair!
Zaera: Here, cleanish rod!
Madame S: I suppose it will do, but I'll only give you 100 gold, mostly because your smell is about to make me retch. Now vill you help me find my next item?
Zaera: I'd rather not...
Sith: You got a map to the sewers?
Madame S: You vill help? Here iz a map of the sewers, I believe what you are looking for may be here.
Obsinicrag: What you've seen this Rat King?
Madame S: Yes he tried to sell me some gold a little bit a go.
Everyone: How do you sell gold?
Madame S: I do not worry about trifle things like gold, I only want enchanted items.
Zaera: Then why did you only give us 100 gold?
Madame S: Because you smell, now go find my wonderous, magical, enchanted, Everlasting Chum Bucket!
Sith: Are we allowed to use this to throw chum on Andru before we give it to you?
Madame S: If you find the right thing then it should keep replenishing, so what you do with it, I do not care.
Sith: Deal
They went to a tavern soon after the conversation with Madame S:
Woman: *squeal* Andi! I can't believe I found yooooou!
Andru: Huh?
Woman: I was beginning to lose hope that our daughter wouldn't ever meet her father!
Andru: I assure you fair lady, you have the wrong man! *rolls insight check 31*
DM: Yeah she's not lying
Woman: You mean that time we had on the beach meant nothing!?
Andru: Beach? What beach? ... Oh yes Pumpkin! I remember!
Woman: *Goes to get the child* Here's your daughter!
DM: The girl looks exactly like you...
Murai: Oh god, there's more of him?
Child: Mommy, why does daddy smell like poop?
Andru: *heroic pose* That's because daddy was adventuring in the sewers looking for gold!
Pally: Wait! You're NOT dragonborn!
Fighter: What?!?
Pally: You're more reptilian than feline, right?
Fighter: Yes...
Pally: There you go. Dragons are much more like scaly cats. You're existance is a LIE, my friend. A LIE!
I quickly became happy that I took items that boosted running speed.
*PCs are running from the orc army, they're shooting at them with crossbow bolts*
Wilder Patrick: Jim! What are you waiting for?! Use something!
Sorcerer Jim: Why don't you use something?
Wilder Patrick: I'm a little busy getting shot at! >.<
Cleric James: I wanna' see how Jim justifies himself being a douchebag in-character now.. Sorcerers don't think interms of spell slots and limitations.
Sorcerer Jim in-character: .....*Shrugs* HOW DO I SHOOT WEB?!
*Julz laughs, noone else does*
Then there was the catboy/catgirl thing that the GM played on us for fun cause James/Patrick are big homophobes and I just nicknamed it Schroeder's Trap.
DM:You can just see a wooden door set into the back wall of the cave. What do you do?
Me:Detect Magic! (It's a wonderful way of annoying the Palamonk)
Palamonk: I throw my longsword at the Sorcerer
Dm: *shaking head* Steph, what does the party do?
Cleric: We walk up to the door *looks pointedly at Palamonk and I, who are staring each other down* without attracting any attention.
Dm:Are you going to even attempt to disguise yourselves?
Duskblade:Nah, I have an eyepatch. That's piratical, right?
Cleric:You do? Wow, talk about foresight
Duskblade:Not really. *holds up pencil* Just added it then
DM:*confiscates pencil*
Me:I drape my cat familiar around the Duskblades shoulders. It's -similar- to a parrot, right? *is hit by cleric*
Palamonk:I step forward and knock on the door
Me:You radiate an aura of good. You have a halo. Feathers fall around you at all times. And you're weaing shiny platemail. Yup, you definitely look like a pirate king. I vote that the Duskblade represents us
Duskblade:Ok, so out of the half-nymph cleric with a charisma of 28, the palamonk with a charisma of 20, the Sorcerer with a charisma of 18 and the duskblade with a charisma of EIGHT, you're going with the Duskblade?
Me: *thinking* If we get rid of the cleric and palamonk's armour, we could pass as personal servants of the duskblade...
Cleric:No way. I'm not wearing anything under the armour (Female. Nuff said)
Palamonk & I:*unison* Surely that RAISES your charisma
*slap*
DM:Alright, you're freaking inside already.
Duskblade:Butbut.. they were going to be my slaves... Willingly! Willingly!!!
This situation was from a new group for D&D. We started running 3.5 again for RP purposes (Because 4e isn't the greatest for RPing) and ended up with this person in a party: a Halfling Rogue who believes that he's the God of Chaos, and upon his death, he'll reascend to his former position.
His first action (Which sparks off the entire session) is to first, over the course of a few days, kill chickens belonging to two farmers. He then tells one farmer that the other has been stealing chickens, and tells the other farmer that the first has been doing so. This manages to draw the entire small town into a huge argument over who stole what.
Oh, and on a side note, imagine that all voices from NPCs are being said in a British accent. I wish I could record this DM's voice, because it is the best British accent from a non-Brit that I have ever heard.
Bard (Who plays a fiddle): I start climbing the church roof near where the argument is occurring. (Makes the check)
Rogue: I come down to see what's going on.
DM: The two are still arguing, one of them says "Hey, that's the one who told me you stole my chickens." The other says the same thing. They pause as they realize that you stole them, and one yells out "GET HIM!"
'Angel' (Note: It's really a homebrew race that looks like an angel, but is not): I lunge at the Rogue and grab his arm.
Rogue: I dodge! (Fails save, is grappled)
Bard: I reach the top of the roof and start fiddling. (Rolls high on his perform check, manages to entrance the crowd)
Rogue: I make an attempt to get out of the 'angel's' grasp (Rolls high). HA! None shall hold the God of Chaos!
NPC: God of Chaos? Are you off your rocker?
It was at this point that time ran out, partly because nobody could stop laughing for a good five minutes after that last line. Probably not as funny to those who weren't there, but it cracked us up good.
In another game with a different group, we too had gone back to 3.5. This, of course, prompted yet another crazy character. This time, it was me playing a Female Swashbuckler who had two random elements thrown in: one, she would randomly switch accents on a whim (Though she hasn't been able to do this much; our only two sessions have been combat-oriented), and she would randomly change hats.
Our first area of this mini-dungeon was to fight off a bunch of constructs that, when they died, exploded. Now, this was no problem for me; I had a high Reflex save, and never got touched by the things. However, my party mates all ended up getting hit by one of them at some point.
First room -
Me: I hit the construct and kill it (Leaving out relevant rolls here)
DM: You hear a ticking noise...roll Reflex. (I make it) The construct goes poof! in a small explosion that you backflip out of.
A few rounds later, I kill the last one.
DM: Reflex? (Rolls nat 20) You don't even dodge it. You just stand in the way of the explosion, hold up your hand, and go 'no'.
Me: That was a relief. I hate to say it, but things were really starting to fall apart there.
Later, same room (After we've managed to get to the end and make our way back). We fight another construct that is slightly stronger, but glows brighter each turn until its death. On the third turn (Two grows) I finally down the thing, and it explodes.
DM: All of you roll reflex, except for the squishy psion in the back.
Everybody fails except for me, who once again rolled a nat 20.
DM: Everybody else takes (However much) damage, the warrior is nearly unconscious, but the Swashbuckler is fine.
Me: What, you guys can't dodge simple explosions like that?
The other people were torn between laughing and glaring at me, because I took almost no damage throughout the entire encounter.
Psion: I steal your hat and turn back to the people who need help.
Me: When you look at me again, I'm wearing a different hat.
We went back to the inn where we were staying, and finally made it to a place to rest. The psion looked into a mirror before he went to bed.
Me: When you look in the mirror, you're wearing a different hat than the one you took.
Suffice to say, this will be an interesting character to play. :evillaugh
Generic bandit: "Yew killed 'im! I'm tellin' on yew!"
Quint Argentlune, halfling rogue, is stopped at some gates.
Guard: "Any weapons?"
Quint: "Yeah. Lessee here..."
On the table thing there grew a pile of forty-three shuriken, nine daggers, six kukris, four wakizashi, eight sacks of slingstones, thirty-nine vials of holy water, twelve drow long knives, eleven-point-five katars, eight chakrams, two melee-style chakrams, six chatchka, and a pincushion with 250 fukimi-bari. The table groaned ominously. Quint began rummaging in his LEFT pocket.
Guard: "You've got that whole pile and more?"
Quint: "Yeah. Barely any; that's why I'm here. Gotta replenish."
Guard:
(Note: Quint likes thrown weapons.)
Quint again: "I was disarmed by her feminine Charisma score. And the gray render that ripped my arms off. Son of a brixashulty, did that ever hurt."
Quint again: "I was disarmed by her feminine Charisma score. And the gray render that ripped my arms off. Son of a brixashulty, did that ever hurt."
??? This needs explained... allot.
Human Female Warlord (played by a guy) dislikes the male Eladrin Wizard in the party (in character). "She" finally snapped and decided to tell him off, especially when she clearly pointed out that he did not recognize an Eladrin Prince who was fighting along side them in KotSF. His reaction?
"It seems that you need a Half-Elf in the oven."
The "Rogue/Face" of the group was talking to an NPC who materialised out of the shadows and blocked their path as they were entering an abandoned underground lab in search of a prototype.
Dm: I know what your after, but who sent you?
Rogue: I fail to see how thats any of your business, Who sent you?
Dm: I belong to an orginization focused on curing the worlds evil, and you people are doing the work of evil. So unless you all want to die here tell me who sent you?
Rogue Miserably fails a diplomacy check
Rogue: Well you tell me yours i'll tell you mine!
DM: What are you, 6?
Later on in the conversation i had a slip of the tongue leading to this exchange.
Dm: So this Urian who employed is he a megacorps man or a solo man?
The brutish Troll Fighter jumped in with
Troll: He likes Pepsi, he told me cause we friends!
i meant to say something along the lines of, is he working alone.
??? This needs explained... allot.
Metaphorically disarmed, as in "Oooooh... stopped doing things because I'm surprised." But then it equivocates, to the literal meaning, as in "My arms got ripped off."
Aryalaínn the wizard: What are you doing with a child's toy?
Z: It's a death rattle! *shake shake*
Ari: *facepalm*
Z's player, looking at the Draconomicon: "You mean there are pact dragons? WANT!" As a bit of background, he's kinda obsessed with pact weapons: pact scythe, pact rapier, pact towel, you get the idea.
Aryalaínn, reprimanding his baby purple dragon familiar/pet/implement: "No! Bad Kesshelrakh! We do NOT eat the nice ranger! Z is fair game, though."
Metaphorically disarmed, as in "Oooooh... stopped doing things because I'm surprised." But then it equivocates, to the literal meaning, as in "My arms got ripped off."
I think Doomsought wants to know the story behind the quotes. What was happening, and how did it connect to the plot?
Me (star pact warlock): It's probably some arcane thing. You can do some cool stuff with the blood of the innocent.
Party: *blank stares*
Me: What? Why are you guys looking at me like that?
(It's not that my starlock is evil, just very very amoral.)
DM: You see something shining in the distance.
Isaac: Should we walk up to it? It probably triggers a trap.
We get closer.
DM: You see that there is a room behind the shiny object, which is near the ground.
Isaac: It's probably some kind of tripwire.
Piet: I fink we should shoot it.
Isaac: I'll hit it with a magic missile.
Phipps: My magic dagger returns to me if I throw it. I'll use that.
Isaac and Phipps glare at each other, then simultaneously attack the shiny thing. Both hit.
DM: Roll for initiative.
Isaac: Why'd we just do that?
Me, OoC: I don't know. You guys never listen to Piet.
Isaac and our paladin provide cover for us. All the poison darts flying out of the wall miss. Our cleric retreats, but Phipps dives forward (double move then prone) and gets ready to disarm the trap. He succeeds. Piet never gets a turn.
Good idea? No. Cinematic? Definitely.
-Drillboss
The players discussed it amongst themselves, they didn't trust the Kobold would tell them the correct location, or thought that if they let the Kobold go it would warn the others. Also, they were afraid of the Kobold escaping, so there was much discussion like:
Players amongst themselves: "Let's pull out its nails and see if it will talk"
DM: "The Kobold has already offered to talk if you'll let it live"
Players: "Hmm, maybe we should cut out its tongue"
DM: "None of you guys are evil, I don't think your characters would be inclined to torture".
Players: "We don't want him to escape, maybe we can cut off its tail, does it need its tail to walk?"
it went on for quite a while, finally I reminded them that they do have rope in their adventure kit, so they tied it up and decided to take it to town!
None of them had roleplayed before, so when they first went to the town, they were talking to the guard to point them to locations of significance around town. The guard suggested they speak with the town Lord to see if their services were needed.
Player: "Where the heck is the lord???"
Guard: "How rude!"
Player: "I didn't realize that we had to be so realistic with this role playing thing"
Heh, maybe you had to be there, was fun.
Z, in our first combat session: "Hey, guys? This is going to hurt."
The ranger (I forget her name right now): "I should hope so! We're trying to kill them [the kobolds], not tickle them!"
Z:
"You asked for it, ya masochist." Z's a darklock.Z, to some goblins: "Don't worry. It won't hurt. Hurt me, anyway."
Z: "Hey, guys! I got us an urchin to carry our stuff!"
Ranger: "Urchin? How are you going to feed him?"
Z: "Feed? Oh, [censorship!]."
And, to explain the "disarmed" thing, Quint had broken the first (and second) law of roguery: Don't get caught. Just so happened that the captain of the guard who caught him had a fairly high Charisma. And a gray render, who was a bit trigger-happy. Quint, being sixteen and having a Y chromosome, naturally stared. The render took offense. Or maybe it was just another one of his exaggerations. Kid's prone to hyperbole. Every time he tells it, he swears he died in a more awesome manner. And was not raised. He swore it was truth as honest as Tiamat is ugly (his words), but the rest of the party is doubtful.
DM: You receive a summons from the captain to dine with him in his private quarters. Do you accept?
Me (OOC): Wait, let me get this straight. I've been invited aboard onto a ship where I don't even know the name of the person that has sent for me, and the very FIRST day out on sea, the captain of the ship, who I have never met, invites me to dine with him? My character is obviously going to believe that the captain intends to assassinate him and staunchly refuses his invitation.
DM: No no, it's been 11 days into the journey.
Me (OOC): Then he's had 11 days of planning!
That set everyone off for a couple of minutes.
The session before, the party encountered an old man. After following them for a bit, the old man astounded everyone by taking on a pit fiend and showing himself to be Kord.
The party handled the lower-level demons, but were very badly hurt. Kord took them to a small hut afterwards and made some chicken noodle soup.
Apparently, it was the best soup ever made. EVER.
Now, the party somehow ended up with shards of the Abyss's core stuck in their right palms. They're pretty quiet most of the time, but whenever our emotions get out of hand.....
My character was absent for the Chicken Noodle Soup Of The Gods, so he was getting an explanation from our ranger. Out Minotaur Warlord happened to overhear the conversation:
Minotaur: Did you say... SOUP?
Ranger: Ummm... Yeah?
Minotaur: That soup...
At this point, his eyes turn purple as the shard takes control of him. He picks up the fountain in the town square and throws it 50 feet.
Minotaur: SOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUP! SOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUP! MOOOOOORRRREEEEEE SOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUP!
He blinks, and his eyes return to normal. He looks at the spot where the fountain was.
Minotaur: ... There was a fountain here...
So, the DM looked it up, provided the page number and everyone proceeded to read and found it that it does.
So, then my character said to his "U G L Y, you ain't go no alibi, you ugly! You ugly!" in tune the Daphne and Celeste song "U G L Y" and got rewarded XP for it.
As everyone in the group had heard that song, most from the movie "Bring It On!" soundtrack there was no confusion at all.
Playing the Eyes Of The Lich Queen mission book, the party has reached the temple near the start, slain the guardians outside, and split up.
The party walking in the front door consists of..
-Gellan- NE 3.0 Assassin/3.5 Psion (Telepath) Half-Daelkyr (Me)
-Blotto- CG Dwarf Articifer
-Raeyan- CG Elven Fighter (TWF, rapiers.. basically a swashbuckler without the swash)
As we enter, we all hear scuffling and growling, so we know there's still things in here.
Raeyan: (shouts) "Hail! It is me, Raeyan! You have heard of me? We have slaughtered the foul denizens outside and offer you the same fate!"
Blotto: (to Raeyan) "Good job pointy-ears."
Gellan: (shouts) "What my colleague means, is that we have slain your overlords, so surely you cannot stand against us! Leave your weapons and armour, and you may leave peacefully!"
The party and DM look at me slightly bewildered, especially considering in the past I have charmed a drow to attack a party member, just so I could loot his (the drow's) corpse.
DM: "From the corridor to your left, you hear some muttering and the noise of armour and equipment being dropped to the floor. Two naked lizardmen walk down towards you and head for the main door." (OOC) I failed a will save
Me: (OOC) So they're walking past me, yes?
DM: (OOC) Yeah, you're standing in the corridor, they'd have to move past you to get out.
Me: (OOC) Combat reflexes and AoO would work with sneak attacks, wouldn't it? Assuming you'll let me have the suprise round...
DM:
Yes... I guess so... You'd just be repeatedly stabbing them in the face after allParty: :OMG!
:surrender 
DM: That's evil.
Me: (OOC) That's what it says on the sheet, baby... :P
Blotto and Raeyan head further up the corridor to stare at a mural, while I do the clever thing and hide in the shadows after the ruckus my super-blender attack has probably caused.
DM: Can I have spot checks? *everyone rolls* Gellan, you see a section of the wall move, and a hand snakes out from it, pointing at Raeyan and Blotto. Blotto, you notice several intricate details about the mural (expands into mission, so I won't spoiler it) and Raeyan... That's a REALLY pretty wall you just saw...
At this point, the DM gives me the opportunity to shout a warning to the other two, probably hoping I'll do so, and allow them to take some cover. I reason that if I shout, it'll give away my position, so I stay quiet.
Me: (OOC) They'll be fine, they've got reflex saves...
The DM describes the small orange bead travelling up the hallway from a Ring of Fireball he added to the module to spice things up. It detonates and knocks Raeyan down to half HP, and Blotto isn't in much better shape.
ME: (OOC) Oh.. Wait.. It's ME with the reflex saves, isn't it? You guys have the hitpoints and armour thing...
please note: While the above actions may seem destructive to the game, rest assured I'm not the only one. We have:
A pink-puce 2" Kobold Druid, who's main weapon is a Rod of Wonder that has to utilise pink with every activation.
A terminally depressed Warforged (think of Marvin from Hitch-Hiker's, only with serious anger issues).
A Drow Paladin, who's town has been wiped out by Mindflayers and the party prior to his rescue. Mostly the party.
A Halfling rogue, who is the very definition of an Eberron Kender. A kleptomainiac who'll shake your hand and walk away with your watch.
Raeyan, the fighter who, with the party lacking a Bard, takes the job upon himself with great aplomb... And the charisma of kethchup.
And finally, a DM/PartyNPC 'Woody'... An Ogre displaced from the Forgotten Realms with an insatiable appetite, and a necklace that just happens to be a phylactery...
Yeah... Don't ask...
in the campagn im currently in we had to escort some nuns to a church in the wilderness, however the nuns were odd in many many ways and the priests at the church freaked me (crazy druid person) and our evil cleric out...
needless to say having set all the nuns on fire and burned the church to the ground we made our way back to the questgiver for our reward only to be met with suspicion.
what followed afterward was the single most awesome bluff check in the history of ever for me to blame all responcability for the crimes on the party paladin.
much fun was had as he was locked up tourtured and eventually converted to an evil deity whilst there. he was not pleased
So I had my PCs in a carriage on the way to a mansion. This is very early in the campaign, so I decided to make this a good time to throw in backstories. So what do I do? I could throw in another NPC, but I decided to go a little higher. So the card driver turns around and says:
"Hi, I'm Bob. I like backstories. Tell me yours or I might drive this card over a cliff."
Soon, I hope to introduce his brother, Fred-not-Cid the airship driver.
Someday I want to post here "I EAT THE EYE OF VECNA!!" but sadly, not yet. However...This is a result of poor improv.
So I had my PCs in a carriage on the way to a mansion. This is very early in the campaign, so I decided to make this a good time to throw in backstories. So what do I do? I could throw in another NPC, but I decided to go a little higher. So the card driver turns around and says:
"Hi, I'm Bob. I like backstories. Tell me yours or I might drive this card over a cliff."
Soon, I hope to introduce his brother, Fred-not-Cid the airship driver.
...You should have him be the ultimate BBEG.
(Initiative is rolled, my Sorc comes up top, with the other three in the party all acting on the same initative. Finaly comes the Dragon and my Familiar, also tied. I of course, start out with a good old Magic Missile)
Cleric: Umm, I throw the Palamonk at the Dragon. FIGHTERDOKEN!
Palamonk (Over all the laughter): Wait, what?!?
*attack rolls, etc*
DM: Ok, you manage to land on the Dragon's back, and plunge your Falchion deep into it's back. Roaring in pain the Dragon reflexively lashes at you. Your turn *points at Duskblade*
(Time passes, much damage is done to the Dragon. Eventually, it decides to leave and takes off, with the Palamonk still on its back.)
DM: Ok, and we're back to the Sorceror. Whatcha gonna do?
Palamonk: Featherfall, Featherfall!!
Sorc: Lesser Orb of Cold!
*Attack roll*
DM: A hit! The damage you deal manages to make it into one of the open wounds on the Dragons chest. Chunks of ice burst out of the Dragon's chest cavity moments after contact. It's killed outright. Oh, and *points at Palamonk* You take 8d6 of falling damage.
Palamonk: F&%#. Can I make my fall look cool at least?
The Palamonk leaps from the Dragon's back on the way down. Bones are heard breaking as he lands right in front of my character. Slowly, he pulls his Falcion out and puts it to my throat... Then collapses, almost unconcious.
Sorc: No need to thank me. *Turns around and walks off*
The timing and tone were perfect, everyone there cracked up laughing. It took at least five minutes to get the game back on track. I think this is gonna end up as one of our top ten quotes from games we've had.
...You should have him be the ultimate BBEG.
Bob or Fred?
Bob or Fred?
'Yes'.
Hopefully I'll have something to add later.
No, literally, he is a paladin of the confederacy. He's a homebrew class I made called a "Paladin of Patriotism."
*Peradal enters a pawnshop*
Shopkeep: Mornin', sir. Whatcha need?
Peradal: Information. Do you know about anyone in the neighborhood who sells alchemist's fire in bulk?
Shopkeep: No... no, I don't know anything about that...
Peradal OOC: Why am I inclined to doubt this? I cast "Detect Communism."
DM: The shopkeeper is glowing dimly; apparently he just doesn't like authority figures. However, a stack of books on the shelves is glowing very brightly.
Peradal OOC: I go to check the books.
DM: You see several brand-new copies of "The Communist Manifesto."
Peradal: Aha! Interesting read, "Comrade" Shopkeep?
Shopkeep: Well, I, Err... Someone was in here the other day, selling old books, so I bought a few...
Peradal: OLD books? I don't believe you, sir. *OOC* I cast McArthy's Trial!
DM: "It is mourning. You wake in the middle of a dim lit cavern about 15' wide and high. You notice a burning feeling in you feet your feet and as you look down you see that you are standing in 3 inches of acid. The only exit is a opening in the wall in front of where you stand. What do you do?"
Player not paying attention: "I run out of the room before I the acid burns through my boots"
DM: " You enter another cavern about the same size as the first. Standing in the middle of the room is a Kobold chanting. Your body is surrounded with light and then you find your self in the middle of a cavern standing in 3 inches of acid. The only exit is an opening in front of you. What do you do?"
Everybody laughs and then we get back to the game. I had one exit three times not realizing what was happening.
DM: "He's dead."
Rogue player's cell phone: "Ta - Da!!"
Basically she got a text message and the phone makes a fan fare sound just at the right moment.
I roll my dice in the open.
DM: "You take 5 damage."
Fighter: "How do I take 5 after you rolled a 6?"
DM: "6 plus 5 divide by 2 = 5"
Ranger steps up and uses Twin Strike, he rolls two natural 20s killing both targets.
Me: "You are finally pulling your weight around here."
Warlock shoots a Gnoll Archer dropping it. The DM removes the Gnoll mini along with the one standing behind it.
Player: "How did he kill both of them."
DM: "The DM decided to do math."
Player: "The dead guy shot and arrow at me."
(...I don't get it)
(Or, to put it more precisely, I don't get why it's funny.)
Me, right after the first trap-filled dungeon: Okay, I buy a masterwork sabre (rapier, just deals slashing damage instead), a masterwork +2 strength bonus composite shortbow, and a mithral shirt.
Railroading DM: Okay, that'll come out as (almost the exact amount of money I was carrying).
Me: (OOC) Damnit, that means I won't be able to pay my dues to the thieves guild/temple of Olidammara. Ah well. After I pay, I make a bluff check to make a diversion to allow me to use sleight of hand to steal all the money in the till and cut his purse. *Nat 20 followed by a 19*(In character) Hey, look! A pink monkey is stealing your cheese with the help of...
Micheal Jackson and zombie kobold ninja-pirates!Later, the wild elf shapeshifter druid, goblin necromancer, and myself decided to raid a gnoll camp. I had stealthily assassinated the sentries with a bluff check, a sapling, a hunk of cheese, and a couple well placed arrows (don't ask). Then, even though no alarm had been raised we ran into a patrol.
Me: Wait, how in the name of Olidammara did a gnoll get PLATE armor and a frickin GREATSWORD! I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO GETS TO STEAL FROM BLACKSMITHS AROUND HERE!
We annihilated the patrol and were suddenly surrounded by gnolls (despite my high spot and listen modifiers) and taken prisoner. We landed in a cell with a gnoll nailed to the wall. I came up with a plan to sneak through the skylight on the roof, assassinate the guards, get to the equipment locker, and get the cell door open. The DM notified us that the plan "wouldn't work" except for the first two steps (What? My character had a switchblade hidden "somewhere I was reasonably certain nobody would think to search") and that we'd have to spring the *epic* gnoll nailed to the wall. Which we subsequently did.
Sounds like a bit of railroading....
A bit? You could found the British Empire on that railroad!
(...I don't get it)
I will assume this is to my post. I would never put them in that kind of thing for real. It was funny because it was a running gag. When the "Not paying attention" cause the game to be not fun I would do that to refocus the game. I guess you had to be there.
)DM: Okay, so you're playing a goblin? Peasants try to kill goblins, orcs, and such on sight, so, you're screwed.
Nyuk-Nyuk, goblin necromancer: Damnit
Druid: :lightbulb Why don't you just wear a hooded cloak and pretend to be a halfling?
Necromancer: :D I LOVE IT!
So, a goblin walks into a bar...
Nec: I order some thudrud for myself, and some cheese for Nibbles (his rat familiar)
Barmaid: *Hands him his order**Upon seeing his hands*
A GOBLIN!!Nec: Uh, actually, I'm a halfling with a skin condition called, uh, goblinitis. *Passes untrained Bluff check*
DM:
One player hadn't activated his lightsaber yet, so when the DM asked him for the color, I just looked him dead in the eye and said 'His color is eleven... Look it up.'
A Jedi tries to cast a Force power but rolls low. Using a Force point he only rolls a 1. The Sith-pretending-not-to-be-a-Sith tells him to 'Call on the power of the Dark Side', hands him a d6 and says 'Kill him with this.'
And my favorite of the night, when talking to a Jedi using Gather Info, my Scoundrel doesn't care for what he's doing. He explains his philosophy:
'We don't need to gather info. You know what info we need? Where da bad guys at. You know how we know dat? We shoot people 'till they tell us.'
-------------------------------
Gnoll NPC: We'll leave the caravan alone if you hand over five children to us!
Dimitry: OK, first, we don't even have 5 children in this caravan.
Vanador: ...Why is that 'first'?
------------------------------
Dimitry: I'll hit some of the humans with my acid breath if I go after those minions.
Vanador: They'll be fine; just give 'em a medal afterwards. Like a purple heart.
Dimitry: Or a black lung.
Vanador: Probably more appropriate, yes.
------------------------------
Vanador (OOC): *points to prone miniatures* Wait, when did they go unconscious?
DM: They're not; you knocked the table when you went to get a beer.
Dimitry: Is that how I'm being flanked by 9 Orcs now?
DM: Deal with it.
-----------------------------
Dimitry: The Premier's really got to hate us by now.
Vanador: True story. I mean, we've told him about the invading Orc horde, the Fey and Shadow war with all those spies, the crazed Succubus that's plotting revenge on the City, the Red Dragon army, that exploding immortal assassin...
Dimitry: Any time you have to look up the plural for 'apocalypse' you know you're having a bad day.
DM: To be fair, some of those aren't happening because of you, just... in spite of you.
----------------------------
Vanador: Cool, we've got some Red Shirts trained up now.
Dimitry: I'll name them Steven.
DM: ...All of them?
Dimitry: Yes. One can be Sven.
--------------------------------
Vanador: The Red Dragons are onto us. We'll need to set up another shop to take the heat off the VD. Spread it around, you know, make it harder to rub out.
Dimitry: Ooh! How about the 'Soldier Training and Development' Clinic?
DM: 'Soldier T...' ...I hate you.
---------------------------------
Stay tuned for more adventures next time!
Vanador: The Red Dragons are onto us. We'll need to set up another shop to take the heat off the VD. Spread it around, you know, make it harder to rub out.
Dimitry: Ooh! How about the 'Soldier Training and Development' Clinic?
DM: 'Soldier T...' ...I hate you.
I roffled.
The Setup:
My players were buying supplies for a ship that they had just aquired. They had just brought up the idea of bringing live animals (goats) aboard for their journey. The owner of the goats did not want to part with his beasts, so offered to sell them for an extrorbidant price. This brought up the following exchange.
Goat Owner: "I'll sell me goats for, umm ten gold apiece... that seems right."
Dwarf Cleric: "Ach, (expletive) the goats. Lets buy some salted an' dried meat in the market. It'll be much cheaper. An' then we can finally get off this miserable island."
Everyone else: (silence)
Dwarf Cleric: "Ah meant forget the goats! Forget 'em!"
Well, maybe you had to be there...
Finnbarr The Wise
Setup:
Party( Human pally, Human monk, dmpc wizard, and ranger/cleric(me)
We just enter a small tomb with a couple low level zombies.
*DM rolls an attack from zombie onto pally*
DM: uh oh....uh oh....uh oh
Me: How bad could it be they are just zombies!
Dm: Well uh the zombie just vorpelled Chris(pally), I'm not sure how'd thats works, I guess it just ripped his head off...
Me: My character pukes everywhere and retreats.
Another fight in the same adventure where we were losing quite badly, dmpc decides to fire ball all the melee and we have to carry the other 2 guys ashes back to town. We won though!
Vanador: The Red Dragons are onto us. We'll need to set up another shop to take the heat off the VD. Spread it around, you know, make it harder to rub out.
Dimitry: Ooh! How about the 'Soldier Training and Development' Clinic?
DM: 'Soldier T...' ...I hate you.
:heehee
DM: Okay, the hobgoblin leader charges you...
Me (Carric, elf ranger): I don't think so. I use Weave Through the Fray.
DM: Damn. But wait what about the difficult ter... oh right. Wild Step.
Me::D
Hobgoblin: DAMN ELF! STAY STILL!
Me: Not gonna happen. (OOC) I move in and use Frenzied Skirmish.
We creamed them, with me using Hit-and-Run instead of Twin Strike for more manuverability madness
1
Setup, We were in a dungeon and the group was
Me-Human Cleric/Monk
Mike-Dwarf Fighter
Sam-Elf something
Clayton-Halfling something
We just found a 5x5 spike pit trap and narrowly avoided it, and there was a doorway right on the other side of the door, already open. We were figuring out how to get across the pit, i look to sam the Elf and say in a straight face
"Throw the dwarf"
As soon as i get it out of my mouth, the Dwarf(Mike) Says "No one throws a dwarf" And takes off running and tries to jump across the 5 ft space. Mike rolls...and gets a natural 1. He trips and falls and dies in the pit.
Deadpan i say to sam "See, shoulda thrown Him."
We then realised he still had the key to the door of the dungeon to leave. so someone had to go get it. Sam decides he will go down as i have more strength to hold the rope. He starts climbing down. first climb check. Natural 1. He falls and dies. The halfling then attempts to go get the key. First climb check, fine. Second Climb check...Natural 1. The DM was nice and decided that with the bodies that were down there alredy gave the halfling some cushion to land on and didnt die. he retrieved the key, we go to leave, and then both fall victim of another pit trap and die. End of game. It sucked, but it was hilarious.
2 This happened before the above one.
Ok, i had just watched X-men 3 before we played, and Our group consisted of
Me- Cleric Monk
Heidi- Swashbuckler
Clayton- Halfling something
Sam-DM
Mike- Dwarf Fighter
So we were coming to a bridge and there was a strange man in armor standing on it. It was just a small bridge and so we start to go accross the bridge. The man says in a high squeeky voice
"None but my master shall pass"
So we go about trying to convince him we are his master, and a lot of other random things and ended up at salad somehow. So we end up fighting him, find out he is actually a Nimblewright (Intelligent construct, dual weilds Rapiers, Nasty Mo-Fo) And he attacks our swashbuckler Heidi, and does one point of damage. I walk up to him and say
"Do you know who the hell she IS? Shes the Juggernaut B***!!" We all laugh, end up beating him then go about our way.
Later on We are attacking a group of Kobolds and Mike the Dwarf had died and He just made a Pixie Bard. He was stuck in a cage at the kobold camp. and so we are just getting to the actual camp and mike realizes he has the spell Major Image. so he decided to make an image of an enormous demonking-like thing. We are running toward the camp and suddenly see this thing erupt from no where, at which time mike makes it yell "Do you know who the hell i am? IM THE JUGGERNAUT B****!!" At which point we start running the other direction, with me yelling to Heidi "WHY IN THE HELL DID YOU PRETEND TO BE THAT!?!? NOW HE'S REALLY ******!!!" At which point we all broke up laughing and had to stop for almost half an hour to get everyone calmed down.
DM: You enter the dank chamber and...
Fighter: Hear crunching noises from my carrots!
DM:
... see two kobolds with black scales grafted to each of their foreheads, wearing armor made from black scales, swinging ornate longswords with draconic patterns and letters on them; a pool with dark water; and a pile of gold and gems.Well, I then shot one of the kobolds (dragonkin defenders), dealing decent damage, cleric went, black dragon went, used his breath weapon, missed me and the cleric, and critted the fighter.
Later...
Well, the cleric and I are dealing good damage to the dragon, while the fighter goes down for the second time to the kobolds.
Cleric:
Alrigh, ah don' tink ah'll be healin im this time. (OOC) I burned a healing word and my Exalted Mail's daily on him, and the kobolds down him AGAIN! He can rot for all I care.We killed the dragon with a double-scimitar-two-crit-Jaws-of-the-Wolf. (DSTCJotW for short) The kobolds hacked the obnoxious fighter into a bloody red ruin and died to Lances of Faith to the head. Happy endings all around!
The rest just had a lot of gear that weighed them down, we found a lot of gear in the dungeon and had it all on us, so everyone was in a heavy load, and had our armor penalty negs also. and no one had put any points in climb.
Me - [OOC]Open the door? Quietly? Stealth checks? What do you think we are, Team Stealth? We're Team Strength, and I'm gonna bash this door down!
Note: I bashed that door down. Along with every other door that stood in my warpath.
Player: Ok, so its dead.
DM: Yes
Player: I cut out its eye
Dm:
ok...You now have its eye in your handsPlayer:Ok...I cut out my own eye, and replace it with the one i just cut out
DM:
...Ok...Player: What do I see?
DM: Nothing...They eye doesnt work
Player: WHAT!
DM: What did you expect?
Player: But it was RED! That means its MAGICAL!!!
NPC: Welcome to Olaf's store.
Linda: Cut it Olaf. We just got beat back by some orcs, Gwen over there broke a bow, Lauren broke a nail, and my period just started so give me your best price.
Gwen: And if you charge us one copper more that I think you should, I'll do the same thing I did to my husband over there [pointing to the wounded male]
NPC: Why don't you take what you need and just pay me what you think is fair?
And now for the continuing adventures of the Elven Ranger Vanador and the Dragonborn Paladin of the Raven Queen Dimitry, of the New Oakbrook VD Clinic!
-------------------------------
Gnoll NPC: We'll leave the caravan alone if you hand over five children to us!
Dimitry: OK, first, we don't even have 5 children in this caravan.
Vanador: ...Why is that 'first'?
------------------------------
Dimitry: I'll hit some of the humans with my acid breath if I go after those minions.
Vanador: They'll be fine; just give 'em a medal afterwards. Like a purple heart.
Dimitry: Or a black lung.
Vanador: Probably more appropriate, yes.
------------------------------
Vanador (OOC): *points to prone miniatures* Wait, when did they go unconscious?
DM: They're not; you knocked the table when you went to get a beer.
Dimitry: Is that how I'm being flanked by 9 Orcs now?
DM: Deal with it.
-----------------------------
Dimitry: The Premier's really got to hate us by now.
Vanador: True story. I mean, we've told him about the invading Orc horde, the Fey and Shadow war with all those spies, the crazed Succubus that's plotting revenge on the City, the Red Dragon army, that exploding immortal assassin...
Dimitry: Any time you have to look up the plural for 'apocalypse' you know you're having a bad day.
DM: To be fair, some of those aren't happening because of you, just... in spite of you.
----------------------------
Vanador: Cool, we've got some Red Shirts trained up now.
Dimitry: I'll name them Steven.
DM: ...All of them?
Dimitry: Yes. One can be Sven.
--------------------------------
Vanador: The Red Dragons are onto us. We'll need to set up another shop to take the heat off the VD. Spread it around, you know, make it harder to rub out.
Dimitry: Ooh! How about the 'Soldier Training and Development' Clinic?
DM: 'Soldier T...' ...I hate you.
---------------------------------
Stay tuned for more adventures next time!
Sigging that :D
Sigging that :D
Yeah, I already put it in my fav quotes on Facebook myself.
Here's one: it's not mine, but I found it and it's funny: a stupid animal companion hits on the druid. Just as a note: other forum goers have already pointed out that rangers don't actually get a telepathic bond with their animal companion.
We decided he'd play a dragonborn fighter and I'd by a troublesome halfing wizard.
...So after entering a dungeon , I pick-pocket him numerous times , burn his hair off (later we realized this was immpossible since dragonborn have no hair , but it's the thought that counts.) and throw a kobold at him. Then he proceeded to trip me.
My Wizard : Well , that was uncalled for.
OK , my dad and I started a D&D campaign after much begging on my part.
We decided he'd play a dragonborn fighter and I'd by a troublesome halfing wizard.
...So after entering a dungeon , I pick-pocket him numerous times , burn his hair off (later we realized this was immpossible since dragonborn have no hair , but it's the thought that counts.) and throw a kobold at him. Then he proceeded to trip me.
My Wizard : Well , that was uncalled for.
You don't happen to have a knive named RabbitSlayer do you?;) :D
During a raid on a bandit stronghold (organized bandits who built a wooden fortress basically) the party I run split up so that one group could run distraction while the others collected what money they had stored there over time. well, the groups consist of this:
Group 1 "Weapons of Mass Distraction"
Marvet - Kobold Fighter - The "Mobile Miniature Fortress" he is an outcast kobold who took refuge in the arms of humans, and thus has grown an attraction for them instead of his kin
Crucell Delargus - Human Priest (homebrew class thats basically a cleric, but no armor in exchange for lots more spells/day) - the theocratic heir to a small country, he adventures to prove his worth in the eyes of his deity
Gustaff "Gus" Hatchas - Half-ogre Fighter/Hulking hurler - Having grown up with Marvet, they are a weird pair but nontheless friends till the end. He has feelings for Lannelle but has yet failed to tell her(not for lack of trying, just for lack of confidence).
Group 2 "The Hoardsnatchers"
Lannelle Ioun - Rogue Human - A girl from a metropolis in the mountains, she spends all her time picking pockets, including those of her allies. she especially likes to take Gus' things because he doesn't know how to respond when he finds out. (yes, she is descended from Ioun)
"Ned" - Half-elf warlock - Ned is a mute because his mouth was sewn shut with magic thread, so he only really takes the names that other people give him. Nobody knows his history.
The weapons had mowed down the mobs of bandits out front and were about to take on the bandit lord, having been coated in the blood of many, many, MANY men, mostly through the tossing of their foes at other foes on Gus' part. Because their a bit spent from the battle, Gus tries to get out of the battle through intimidation
Me(DM): Roll it
Gus(ooc): *rolls* sorry guys, that would be a 1, for a grand total of 3
Gus: "Fear my Teriaky sauce!" he holds out a bottle of the sauce he's been using on almost everything he's eaten to this point
Bandit Lord: "...What?"
Gus: "I'm gonna eat with the Terrible Teriyaki Sauce!"
Marvet: "Priest, Bull's Strength me. I have a feeling this is about to get ugly"
Meanwhile, the Hoardsnatchers have gotten into the treasury, and Lannelle does the first bit of snatching
Me: as you swagger into the unguarded treasure vault, you see magic and mundane items of vast value strewn about along the ground, even as you step inside
Lannelle: alright, I pick up the first thing on the ground that I find
Me: *rolls a d100* it's a fedora that pulses slowly with energy
Lannelle and Ned(ooc):
Me: What is it?
*Lannelle proceeds to pull a blue fedora out of her backpack*
Me: ... impressive. *I float my hand over it* I dub thee, the fedora of awesomeness
Ned(ooc): cool beans.
As the battle carries on between the weapons and the bandit lord, Gus suddenly finds himself on the business end of a disarming
Me: your axe just shattered under the blow of his adamantine blade
Gus: Really now?
Me: uh, yeah
Gus: Okie Dokie then *he picks up Marvet and holds the scaly little dude out in front of him* "you have irked the ire of my Terrible Teriyaki Sauce! Fear my whirling metal kobold!"
Marvet: I roll intimidate *Rolls Natural 20, plus full ranks in intimidate and +10 from getting a nat 20, plus 16 charisma* that's a 44!
Me: The Kobold let's out a roar that would make a dragon shake in it's scales, and the bandit lord falls uncoscious. you smell a whiff of something nasty coming from his pants.
Marvet: "Tis the blood of dragons that suffuses my being! fear the almighty kobold!"
that's all for now. hope you liked 'em
The Cast
PC) Lawbringer Remington (obnoxiously long name withheld), Lawful Neutral Cleric of St. Cuthbert (me)
PC) Ariana Aboyne, Lawful Good Female Human Paladin (on loan from Heironeous)
PC) Zibjub, Chaotic Good Male Goblin Barbarian / Scout
PC) Thalion, Lawful Neutral Male Wood Elf Ranger / Rogue
DMPC) Andy Jarkus, Neutral Good Male Human Cleric of Pelor and Ariana's Cohort via Leadership
The Backstory
Ariana's never really liked Jarkus since he joined the adventuring group, so she's become a bit bitter toward him over the months they've been together. She refers to him as "Jerk-us", tells him he's a bad cleric, and generally berates him when he does or doesn't ask for it. For Jarkus, Ariana is hot (18 in Strength AND Charisma), and that's all he needs for reason to continue following her. However, for being a Cleric of Pelor, he's somewhat afraid of the dark.
The Scene
We've just entered into what we've been told was a long-abandoned keep, carved into a mountain, facing into a nice forested area full of savage wood elves. The interior's rather dark, and we've had our resident cleric of the sun god be the one to cast and carry a lighted torch. However, after progressing into the keep for a few minutes, the following occurs (paraphrased, of course):
DM: All of a sudden, you feel a great gust of wind blows past all of you, and your torch goes out. Everything is black, and you are unable to even see your fellow party members in front or behind you.
...
Remington: Aw great.
Zibjub: Wha?
Thalion: Huh?
Ariana: Jerkus!
....
DM: You hear an effeminate scream.
...
Ariana: Dammit Jerkus! It's just the dark!
...
...
...
Jarkus: But something's moving in the dark...
(One of the first times in the campaign where everyone had the same thought at the same time. We knew none of us would have been startled for various reasons, so it only led to our scaredy-cleric that could be the culprit. It took a solid five minutes for us to get back to keep-crawling.)
Later on, in said keep:
The Scene
It turns out that the "keepers of the keep" are in fact two vampires, a male and a female. Our party's more or less well equipped at killing undead things with 2 clerics, a paladin, and a ranger who has a favored enemy (undead). We meet face to face with the male, wielding a spiked chain, in a second floor room of the keep, and begin the beatdown.
Rounds of combat pass, and the female joins in, wearing robes and tossing spells. A well-placed fireball knocks out part of the building, exposing two rooms to the outside, leading half of the party to the first floor with the male and leaving me standing on the top of a broken pillar. Now I'm the only one in sight of the apparent sorceress and her artillery spells. I've been hit a few times as is from her blasts, and my HP says maybe only two more full hits before I'm toast. I proceed to ready my mostly stocked wand of dispel magic for counterspell attempts. (I'm still unsure if it all works within regulations, but the DM didn't seem to mind.)
DM: She throws another fireball at you.
Me: I attempt to counter it.
DM: ...she fails the Spellcraft check.
Me: Sweet!... I ready an action to counter.
DM: She tries another fireball.
Me: Counter.
DM: She makes her check, so take X damage. (now one blast away from negatives)
Me: I'll throw away my last spell for the level and spontaneously cure moderate wounds myself.
DM: She tries a scorching ray on you in response... *rolls dice* and doesn't hit.
Me: Phew!... I ready to counter again.
DM: She attempts to cast... and doesn't make it.
Remington (me): "I could do this all day."
The rest of the group finishes off the fighter vampire, and we then proceed to turn the sorceress to death (using the variant damage dealing rules) as she wasn't in any capable range of being hit with a melee attack.
The moment of glory was short-lived, however. I became a large paperweight in my full-plate shortly after, as we stuffed the vampires in their coffins and waited for daylight to break through.
I believe we wished them a good morning as we opened the coffins.
As always, there's more, but at least it's a start.
Thanks everyone for sharing such great moments of your campaigns with the rest of us. Really gets you in the mood to play again if you've been away for a while.
Swiftblade: fighter 2 (bro-in-law)
Jader: rogue (tank) 2 (bro-in-law's brainy friend)
Fallon Drake: cleric 2 (my NPC cleric of Kord)
After dealing with some pesky goblin radiers in the area, the party is sent to a mansion by a rather dour looking wizard with the hopes of finding whoever stole 200 gold pieces worth of spell components from him. Upon reaching the mansion they spot hobgoblins in the house.
Jader: Let's go to the back and try to climb up on to the porch from there. The party follows suit and Jader rigs the rope to a pillar and climbs up onto the porch that encircles the house
Switfblade: Fallon, follow behind me.
Fallon: You got it (rolls a natural 1 on his Use Rope check, thus prompting Swiftblade, who has already reached the top, to reach out and grab him, but Swiftblade rolls low also and is unable to prevent the inevitable)
Swiftblade: OH NO! FALLON HAS FALLEN! as Fallon falls the full ten feet to the ground below taking the rope with him.
My 10 year old brother in law ladies and gents, reducing the table and all around who heard the line to laughter.
. The wizard responded "Oh, that would excite you, wouldn't it?"
We are assured that what the elf's player had meant to say was "No, but it does the cat." (Okay, they're not very good at put-downs.)
What he did say was "No, but the cat does."
Until the player retired from the game to concentrate on raising a family, everytime his character would enter an area, we'd all yell "RUN, KITTY!" and all cats in the scene would take off.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: Wow. With that new level I have a +23 to Stealth.
Dimitry: Damn. We gotta get you a safety vest or something so people don't try to walk through you or something.
Vanador: "Sorry for turning invisible, everyone, I wasn't paying attention."
Dimitry: "What? Who said that?"
------------------------------------------------------------------
Premier Lovegood (NPC): Welcome to the War Council, gentlemen. First, the good news.
Dimitry: I get out my stop watch, this shouldn't take long.
(For the record: Good news = 2:00. Bad news = 11:45. Coincidentally, roughly the same ratio by which the forces of man are outnumbered by the hordes of screaming rabid Orcs, Ogres, Witches, Trolls and Green Dragons descending upon them in 5,000 Longboats.)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Dimitry: Well, they say that disease is always one of the deadliest threats in any war, so hey, it pays to have VD on your side.
----------------------------------------------------------------
DM: The Ambassador is in her late teens, with curvy red hai- Curly red hair-
Dimitry: Oo-ho, that's a Freudian right there. "The hair is very nubile. I mean red!"
Vanador: At least she's not a sultry half-Japanese girl with long dark hair and librarian glasses like all the other female NPCs.
DM: I'm God here, I'll do what I want.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
DM: Roll for Rollplaying.
Dimitry: Hey, 20!
DM: You eloquently outline various strategies that are both practical and useful. The people are impressed.
Dimitry: I'm good.
----------------------------------------------------------------
DM: You drop into the middle of a battle in the Shadowfell. To your left, three one-eyed giants are barreling down upon you. To your right, three bony monsters with 6' claws on their hands are charging you as well.
Dimitry: Holy Crap! Those are like 5 levels higher than us!
DM: Don't worry, I planned this out. And stop reading the Monster Manual.
(5 minutes later)
DM: ...Huh. The Boneclaws do a burst of necrotic damage whenever they get bloodied. Didn't remember that one...
Dimitry: "Don't worry, I planned this out." Jack***.
Vanador: I could try talking to the General to let us pass.
Dimitry: Which side? Shadow or Fey?
Vanador: *shrugs* Both?
Dimitry: You're an Elf with the symbol of the Raven Queen on your chest and shoulders.
Vanador: ...Yeah, that probably would go well either way, would it.
DM: No, it wouldn't.
------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next week for more adventures of Vanador and Dimitry!
DM: The Ambassador is in her late teens, with curvy red hai- Curly red hair-
Dimitry: Oo-ho, that's a Freudian right there. "The hair is very nubile. I mean red!"
Vanador: At least she's not a sultry half-Japanese girl with long dark hair and librarian glasses like all the other female NPCs.
DM: I'm God here, I'll do what I want.
DM: Roll for Rollplaying.
Dimitry: Hey, 20!
DM: You eloquently outline various strategies that are both practical and useful. The people are impressed.
Dimitry: I'm good.
If I weren't sitting on the floor already, these would have floored me. Also, I think I like your DM's taste. :P
When Julz died in our game, I didn't get to phased. I figured I was a spellcaster, I'd think of someway to bring her back. As a dread necromancer, obviously that'd be some evil way. And it involved kidnapping a baby and summoning her soul into the baby's body.
James: What'll happen to the baby's soul?
Jim Profit: It'll get a condo in Florida. Run for governor..
James: -___-
Also me and Julz started singing David Bowie's "Dance Magic".
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGdSbfGvtcA
And then later, we got arrested by "The Guild of Holy Sanctum". A group of good-good heroes devoted to finding evildoers, giving them a fair trial, and busting their ass.
Ofcourse we were all charged with something, for pass disgressions, ones we commited together, and ones we were planning in the future..
Jim Profit: I'm not evil! I'm just heartaching and confused!
Jeremiah: Jim, you slaughtered over 9000 people just so you could jepordize a baby's life and soul just to bringback your dead **** of a wife.
Jim Profit: Who's side are you on?!
On a Fable 2 funny:
"This game sucks! I can't marry lolis! And they run away over the littlest things!"
We got a GM who wants to try AD&D. Has a bunch of supplements he found online and stuff and isn't going to butthurt over alignment like AD&D proposes.
So James is thinking of being a monk, Jeremiah a barbarian, Julz a rogue, and myself a ninja. I'm sure that'll be funny enough as we're not use to low magic. But AD&D, atleast the classes were exposed too aren't all caster cheese.
>.>
We are in an evil tomb trying to locate a source of immense evil that has infected the land. After passing through many dangerous traps and several blood-stained altars (and entire blood-stained rooms), we come to a room filled with sarcophagi. One has a gold band sealing it that radiates magic. Enormous gold doors are at the other side of the room. While the rest of the group is exploring, a voice asks the thief to free it from the sealed tomb, which she does. After a horrendous battle (of course) where several characters are injured, the illusionist inquires where the spirit came from:
Thief: I opened the sarcophagus.
Illusionist: Why??? When you're in an evil tomb, the BEST thing you can hope to find in a crypt is a dead thing that stays dead!
Thief: But a voice asked me to free it?
Illusionist: All the more reason not to open it!
The group decides to recuperate in the sarcophagus room. The illusionist (who wasn't injured) sets up watch. While the other characters are sleeping, he hears a maniacal cackling from behind the large double doors. Carefully, he opens the golden doors. On the other side is an enormous cavern. Inside are twenty-odd skeletons, eight huge metal statues, and a lich fused to a stone throne of skulls. Carefully, he closes the door, places his immovable rod-ish item barring the door, and crafts an illusion over the doors of a solid wall. When the characters awake and ready to move on:
Undead-Slayer: Hey, weren't there doors there last night?
Illusionist: Nooooooo...
Undead-Slayer: I'm pretty sure there was. I was going to check it out before we were attacked. (Checks out area. Makes save) I thought so. Why is Bob {he had named his magical rod} blocking the doors?
Illusionist: Extra protection.
Undead-Slayer: Well, let's go check it out.
Illusionist: Oh...no need. I already did. There's nothing you'd want to fight in there. Nothing at all.
Undead-Slayer: C'mon. "Nothing I'd want to fight"? What's back there?
Illusionist: Flowers?
Drunk rogue-"At least there’s passion..."
Set-up: The party is fairly low level and currently lost in the desert-a blue dragon flies over head but is so high that only the ranger initially spots it.
Confused ranger (Snype)-"What the hell...they come in blue?"
*What’s worse (or better?) is that we where using an audio recorder for this session-we wanted to hear just how nerdy we sounded. Afterwards we listened for about ten minutes before agreeing that the tape should be destroyed.
***Because it is almost relevant, two sessions later just after the same dragon attacked our camp-destroying our water and killing our mounts, Snype-our previously confused ranger took it out with a single, lucky shot. I watched as he rolled twenty, after twenty, after twenty on what should have been a hopeless shot-the imagery of him calmly drawing his bow and sending a single, killing arrow through a dragons eye at extreme range while the rest of the party panicked was too good not to reward with an instant kill.
-sorry, that’s all I have :-(
He walks into a bar full of people. He doesn't attract much attention because he's gotten a hat of disguise and makes it look like his mouth isn't sewn shut, though he still can't talk. he finds the gamblers in the room and pulls a note out of his pocket, which says, "I am willing to bet 100 gold that I can get up on the bar and **** all over and the barkeep won't stop me. In fact, he'll probably be happy about it." the gamblers confer amongst themselves, and each of the five of them pitches 20 gold into the pot for Ned to do his trick. he nods, then goes over to the barkeep, and hands him another note, saying, "I am willing to bet 50 gold pieces that I can **** into a tankard without spilling a drop." The barkeep asks who'll clean it up if he can't do what he says, and Ned pulls out another note, saying, "That's what barmaids are for." The barkeep gives him the go and so he gets up on the bar with tankard at his feet, and pisses all over the bar. He gets down and pulls yet another note out, this one saying, "Guess I'm not as good as I thought. wait for me to get your money. don't worry, I won't leave the bar." he walks back over to the stunned gamblers, who reluctantly fork over the 100 gold, then hands 50 of them to the barkeep. He then swaggers his way out of the tavern with a smile on his face, 50 more gold in his purse, and a stunned look from everybody around the table
He walks into a bar full of people. He doesn't attract much attention because he's gotten a hat of disguise and makes it look like his mouth isn't sewn shut, though he still can't talk. he finds the gamblers in the room and pulls a note out of his pocket, which says, "I am willing to bet 100 gold that I can get up on the bar and **** all over and the barkeep won't stop me. In fact, he'll probably be happy about it." the gamblers confer amongst themselves, and each of the five of them pitches 20 gold into the pot for Ned to do his trick. he nods, then goes over to the barkeep, and hands him another note, saying, "I am willing to bet 50 gold pieces that I can **** into a tankard without spilling a drop." The barkeep asks who'll clean it up if he can't do what he says, and Ned pulls out another note, saying, "That's what barmaids are for." The barkeep gives him the go and so he gets up on the bar with tankard at his feet, and pisses all over the bar. He gets down and pulls yet another note out, this one saying, "Guess I'm not as good as I thought. wait for me to get your money. don't worry, I won't leave the bar." he walks back over to the stunned gamblers, who reluctantly fork over the 100 gold, then hands 50 of them to the barkeep. He then swaggers his way out of the tavern with a smile on his face, 50 more gold in his purse, and a stunned look from everybody around the table
Decent take on an old joke.
Braij (My favorite character ever, 2E Fighter) is an 8 foot tall human. Through no fault of his own, he came into possession of an artifact weapon known as the Maul of the Titan early in his career, which he drug around for ten levels before acquiring the strength to use this eight foot tall weapon.
Moments before standing before the court of the frost giant Jarl...
Dwarven Cleric - Let me use the potion of glibness, I have the highest charisma.
Me - You're a dwarf... Giants hate dwarves.
Half-Elven Wizard - Let me.
Me - You're tiny... they respect physical power... I'm doing it. I've got a decent charisma, and I'm eight foot tall with a huge weapon. I'm practically one of them. (chugs the potion)
Standing before the court of the Jarl and his consort, along with many, many other frost giants..
DM - Tell me what you are going to say, the Jarl walks up to you and snorts. He doesn't look like he respects you much.
Me - (I spend the next couple of minutes actually speaking in character, and doing a pretty dang good job in my opinion. All I remember is it starting with "My Companions and I..."
DM - You eye the Jarl with steely discipline and say... "My c... c... c... comp... comp..." You are fairly certain you just drank a potion of stammering and stuttering. (Huge grin) The court begins laughing, and the Jarl begins to spea...
Me - Screw it, I swing my maul at him.
Better still on the story...
Rolls natural 20.
Me - Holy... I critted the Jarl.
DM - Oof(Knowing that I am a damage machine with this maul, even without critting.) Roll a d100 for the Crit table.
Rolls the d100.
DM - That's... direct hit to the face. Regular crit damage, but Jarl loses 1d6 intelligence, and 1d6 charisma permanently.
Me - "I'm st... st... st... stuttering, but you're hid... hide.. hideo... ugly."
The Druid/Master of Many Forms turns into one and goes down the tunnel to do a little scouting, while the Paladin (who has comprehend languages cast on him) listens in. The Druid comes across 5 of them who are sitting in the water.
Druid: Hello fellow Kuo-Toans! How are you this fine day?
KT1: Good and slimy, and yourself?
Druid: Oh, you know, the usual. Say, have any of you seen some Elves come through here recently?
KT2: you mean the ones that our Drow allies traded to us? We sacrificed them at the last ceremony, remember?
Druid: Um, I wasn't there. I was...away.
KT1: Missing a ceremony to the blessed Sea Mother is heresy!
Paladin: Uh oh...
KT2: What did you say your name was?
Druid: I didn't. It's uh...uh... Murgalagurgala!
*Paladin does a facepalm*
Paladin: Um, guys... he just told them his name was Murgalagurgala. I think we need to get ready to roll in there...
Me - "I'm st... st... st... stuttering, but you're hid... hide.. hideo... ugly."
:D
Paladin: Um, guys... he just told them his name was Murgalagurgala. I think we need to get ready to roll in there...
Fighter: Who wants to be party treasurer?
Warlord: Not it.
Fighter: Not it.
Warlock: Not it.
Thief: Hmmm....
Warlock: Wait, no, I'll do it!
DM: Okay, so the fighter takes 214 points of damage.
Figher: I only have 73 HP!
Sorcerer: Um, is puking a swift action?
All Male Players: *Look at the only female player*
Female Player: "Look at the time!"
DM: "I thought you were free all night?!?" *Glances around clueless...*
DM: "Ok, so you're all loaded up and headed for Orc Chasm..."
All Male Players: *Look at the only female player*
Female Player: "Look at the time!"
DM: "I thought you were free all night?!?" *Glances around clueless...*
... I don't get it
... I don't get it
Say Orc Chasm as one word.:D
Sorceress- Hey Marrick? You still have that Istarian uniform in your bag?
Fighter(Marrick)- Yea here *hands it over*
Scorceress- and the hat of disuise to cover my ears?
Ranger- Here*hands it over*
Scorceress- Im going to lure a guard or two in here. Be ready to jump them when I come back. *she puts on the uniform and casts message on the ranger, who happens to be her half brother* I'll let you know if anything goes wrong*sneaks out into hall spots 2 guards round corner in the hall* Hey boys?
Guard 1- Yes mam? (dm rolls)
DM- you are obviously a higher rank then them judging by the uniforms
Scorceress- What are you guys doing down here?
Guard 2- relieving the last shift mam.
Scorceress- Do you have a free moment? I need a hand with something.
Guard 1 - *stuttering* umm ok? mam?
Guard 2 - sorry mam no disrespect but we are late reliving the post.
Scorceress - Oh...thats too bad...i seem to be having problems with this silly uniform, thought maybe you boys could help me out. *shrugs*'
Guard 2- Go ahead, Im going upstairs.
Guard 1- *smiles and clamors behind scorceress*
Scorceress- *Messege:Im coming in ! Ive hooked one!* right this way cutie.
As soon as they get through the door the party jumps him and ties him up and questions him, though the only one to get decent answers from him is her. Once they got all the answers he was going to give they decided to scilence him.
Ranger- I punch him to knock him out.
Paladin - Ohh look at this rune! *turns back to torture and studies rune*
Guy is knocked out.
Scorceress- Ok I walk up and slit his throat with my dagger.
DM- whats your alignment?
Scorceress- Chaotic Good?
DM- *shakes head*
Scorceress- WHAT?! Hes evil! Hes a human AND an Istarian! I dont want him talking! Plus he was leering at me.
DM - So, about 3 weeks into your journey, you all come across a small town nestled in amongst the mountains as you fly near it. You all see a large fire burning in the town square and what looks to be lizard folk walking the streets.
Psion - Anyone else there?
DM - No humanoids, dwarves, efves, or anyone else you can see. It looks to be entirely made up of only these lizard folks.
Me - Wait... Lizards are cold-blooded; we're pretty high up in the mountains... What the hell?
We all land and look around a bit. They don't seem threatening, but we do not understand their language. The only person who can isn't interested in the least, so she gets everyone together to leave.
DM - *sighing* I had this planned out like 3 months in advance...
Psion - Relax, we consider this to be a side quest, and after 3 sessions of doing nothing with the main story, I figure we should get back to solving our current issues.
DM - *Head desk* Fine...
Ranger:Quarion! Quarion!
Then in a moment of tense silence, the rogue remembers the NPC that was bothering them earlier and he blurts out,
Rogue: WHERE'S THE DWARF?
That was it for the dramatic tension.
Guy player with female rogue character- "I'm going to flash him to try and get combat advantage!"
Girl player- undoes top button of sweater
DM- "Um, what are you doing?"
Girl player- "I'm going to pimp slap him for what he just tried to pull, and I want to try and get combat advantage!"
Later that session, group is in temple decorated with several braziers.
Guy player with female rogue character- "I'm going to throw a brazier at that guy to distract him!"
DM- rolls dice, "Okay, he takes 9 points of fire damage, and is blinded for a round."
GPWFRC- "Wow, I must really have a hot bod!"
Everyone-
Girl player- "I think he meant brassiere, not brazier."
DM-
It might be worth noting that the GPWFRC's battle cry is, "I'm pretty, damn it!"
Tibbit (My Dwarf):He's homosexual. (pointing at the fighter)
Druid: Homosexual...what's that?
Tibbit: Ah. He likes guys.
Druid:Ewwww.
Tibbit: That's what I said, but they (pointing the the rest of the group) insisted on bringing him along.
The Werewolf fighter, being a greedy and power thirsty S.O.B. decided to search for treasure.
Alec: I wade out to the island to check for any treasure.
DM: OK, you wade out to the island and find several corpses...
Alec: OK, YES! Should be good!
DM: hmmm.... You find a silver Longsword.
Alec: YES! A decent weap... Oh...
The rest of the players laugh and clap.
We were playing in the New Jedi Order era at the start of the Vong invasion. The party was composed of three jedis that session; I played a rash Human pilot who usually acted before thinking things through (radical), there was also a Miraluka investigator-type with very little patience (unaligned) and an Omwati wise combat-type character with two lightsabers (traditionalist).
We had just arrived on a space station in the Rim which hated jedi and disliked officials from the New Republic. Security was pretty awful, so at the customs I decided to present myself as a New Republic pilot (which I was) and hide my saber in a toolkit. I pass without problem, giving them my real name. Next the Miraluka comes in as a blind man, hides his saber in a medpack. Passes without problem, giving his real name.
In comes the Omwati, in stained coveralls with two cans of spray paint on his belt.
Custom Official: *Looking him over, confused.* "What are you doing here?"
Omwati: "I'm here to paint... stuff."
Custom Official: "Ermm... Ok. Can I see those?" *Points the spray paint cans.*
Omwati: "Sure!"
Custom Official: *Takes a spray paint can and shakes it. Something inside bangs around. (lightsaber)* "What's that noise?
Omwati: "Oh, that's normal, don't worry about it."
Custom Official: *Doesn't seem really convinced.* "Whatever, ok. Name?"
Omwati: *In a dramatic voice.* "My name is of no importance!"
The game halted there for a short time because we were unable to stop laughing. Maybe it was one of those things were you had to be there. The guy who played the Omwati said that with a serious face, trying to sound cool. He seemed somewhat surprised at our reaction. :P
posts. I'm working to get my Rogue Mage seal of approval, now. I'll label "the line", but I think you need all of the events leading up to it and the reactions and repercussions to get the full comedic impact.Setup: I'm the DM in my 4th session ever with a party of 6 (bow ranger, TWF ranger, bard, monk, fighter, rogue). I believe they were level 3 when this occurred. The party has just made their way up into the mountains to find the home of the goblins that attacked a nearby town and kidnapped some people. They were originally hired to stop the goblins from attacking the town, but the primary objective changed to rescuing the captives. I've hinted OOC that they were getting close and I even gave them a small patrol at the base of this plateau that has an obvious path leading up to the top. The very brief encounter with the 3-goblin patrol (1 round of combat) left the party spread out.
Despite the poor organization of the party, the TWF Ranger confidently walks right up the steep path alone and finds, on either side at the edge, a small fenced-in area (a pathetic goblin attempt at a barricade/guard post) with 3 goblins each. The sentries manage to not notice him, because they are inept to begin with and I rolled poorly. On his next turn, he makes his way to the top of the plateau and kills one of the sentries... and then asks what else he can see.
(Hereafter, "Ranger" refers to the TWF Ranger)
Ranger: One dead goblin! OOC Alright, what do I see up here?
Me: There are a couple small, ramshackle structures on the plateau, but at the center is a huge bonfire. On the other side of the fire, you see a medium humanoid sitting on what looks like a throne, but it's hard to make out details through the fire. Around the bonfire are lots of goblins. This must be their home base. There is also an opening in the mountain on the other side of all this, which is probably the entrance to a cave.
[Remember that their primary objective is to rescue the captive villagers and there aren't any on the plateau]
Ranger: OOC How many goblins are there?
Me:
Lots.Ranger: Seriously, how many?
Me: Too many for you to count.
Ranger: No, seriously... How many, roughly? I'm smart; I can get a rough idea. Are there about 20? 30?
Me:
That is "roughly" how many there are. You can't see all of them to count them, because there are so many.[Honestly, I didn't know. The idea was that there were too many goblins for them to take the direct approach, so they would have to think a little, this time. There were 3 other paths they could have taken to get into the cave that was the goblins' true stronghold.]
Now, while I was saying that, I didn't think I was talking quietly or trying very hard to hide this conversation from the other players, because they would be able to see it soon enough and I assumed the ranger would want to explain the same things to them. However, at this point, I find that no one else has been paying attention to me, because one of the other players apparently notices that it's been awhile since he started a turn and asks what's going on.
Me: [@Ranger] Go ahead and you tell them.
Ranger: IC: Hey guys, I think we found the camp. There are some goblins up here.
Me: (Thinks: "some" goblins?)
Fighter: How many?
"The line"
Ranger: There are a few.
Me:
Ranger: We can take 'em.
End, "the line"
Me: :OMG!
[I'm pretty sure I made these exact facial expressions]I start thinking to myself, "Oh my God. They're all going to die. The last 3 weeks were all for nothing. We'll have to start all over again, because they're all going to die." The fighter was the next closest party member and proceeded to the top of the plateau to join the ranger.
Fighter: OOC: As I walk to the top of the path, I bang my sword against my shield and yell out, IC: Come meet your doom foul goblins! :fight!:
OOC: Alright, what do we really see?Me: [sigh; rub temple with one hand] Alright, there are 2 of you up there, now; I'll show you. Hand me that tub of miniatures.
Player A: I thought you already pulled out all the small minis.
Player B: He must want a different one for this.
Me: [Places entire tub of minis on left side of bonfire][Picks up second tub of mins and places on right side of bonfire].
Players:
Me: That is roughly how many goblins are there. [There are easily 100-150 minis between those 2 tubs]
Players:
Are you serious!?Fighter: Holy... [@Ranger] I thought you said there were a few! [Looks at me in disbelief]
Ranger: I didn't think there were that many! [@me] Seriously?
Me: [@everyone] I said there were lots of goblins; there were too many to count.
Players:
[and begin to panic]Fighter: [after being the first to recover his composure] Well it looks like we've got some goblins to kill.
The fighter's last line is pretty classic, too, but I've heard it before. I give the two of them credit for standing in there. The fighter, with plate mail, small size (race: earth mephling) and a tower shield (AC 23-24) was near impossible for the goblins to hit, though. The bow ranger moved up to assist, as little good as it would do. While this ridiculous brawl was going on, the other 3 party members started doing as I had hoped and snuck around the sides of the plateau to the cave. The fighter's heroic stand was ended when the hobgoblin (originally sitting on the "throne") got tired of his subordinates failing and stepped up with his magic greataxe of buttwhoop (I believe it was a +2 Flaming Greataxe). This scared away both rangers even after he failed twice to hit the fighter. The mephling finally decided to retreat using his racial burrow speed (because he was alone and surrounded by now). And the hobgoblin finally hit him with the AoO and rolled max damage, which was enough to drop the fighter below 0HP.
At the end of the session, after the rangers have run away, the fighter has been captured by the goblins and the monk, rogue, and bard have made it into the stronghold. I start lamenting the lack of what I thought would be common sense among my fairly intelligent friends/group. The fighter retorts with a laugh and our eventual group motto (rephrased): "Never expect the party to act the way you expect them to." We rotate the DM seat and each of us has found out this perpetual truth the hard way.
Thank you for reading to the end of that long story. I have no idea how funny it is to anyone else, but it's something I look back on and laugh about, now. It got funnier the next session, when I realized that my party had split into 2 mini parties and I had to track 2 groups in completely different places at the same time. There were a couple more interesting moments, but I'll save them for a bump later.
For those who don't remember, here's the current party make-up:
Aran Ky (Me): Half-Elf Rogue 5/Assassin 5/Spellthief 1 (been hit with Warptouch so much I look like a half-dragon, wings included)
Rose: Pixie Duskblade 9 (Also a Chosen of Mystra, but that's another issue)
Siaria: Human Mystic 9 (a ton of BoED feats and has the Celestial and Saint template, doubles as the party Diplomat thanks to her insanely high Diplomacy score)
Rami Rah: Elan Psion 11 (Currently looks a LOT like Kamina from TTGL)
DM: So, you all decide to wander through the desert, hoping to cross it. Where's my big bag of dice...
All: Son of a *****...
DM: *Rolls 10d100s* Well... None of you all fade from existance, so that's good...
Me: Wait, what?
DM: Did no one tell you? This desert is a small area of chaos. That's why I rolled so many dice.
Me: Why are we crossing a Desert of Chaos!?
--------------------------
DM: You all head into town and get haulted by the guard, "Where do you all come from?"
Siaria: We just crossed the desert, and we seem to have lost track of time because of a sandstorm. Would you care to tell us what day it is?
DM: "Well, it's August 4th, 1321."
Me: What year was it when we left?
DM: The days sound about right, but the year is off.
Rami: By how much?
DM: Ohh... about 175 years.
All: Son of a *****.
------------------------------
Me: *digging through my backpack* Wait! Oh dear gods... Do I still have it, do I still have it...
Rose: What're you looking for, your thieves' tools?
Me: No. Something more important than that. *pulls out a book* Do you know what this is!?
Siaria: It's a book.
Me: No, it's a HISTORY book.
DM: Wait, when'd you get that?
Me: Back in the last town, remember? I paid the mage 50 gold to have him copy it for me.
DM: Oh, right... Son of a *****.
Me: *briefly explains the space-time continuum to the rest of the party, thanks to warptouch giving me an INT of 20*
Siaria: We need to destory that book.
Me: Like hell we are! This will tell us where we need to be AND at what time.
Rami Rah: Can I see it?
Me: Ok. *hands book to Rami Rah, who's rolling dice*
DM: What're you doing?
Rami: Auto-Hypnosis check *rolls, gets insanely high* I can instantly recall this book now.
Me: And I'd been reading it for the past few months.
DM: Son of a *****, stop trying to break my game!
----------------------------------------
DM: So, you all reach the next town on this island. As you all walk through, you notice that they speak in a language only Siaria understands.
Siaria: What language is that?
DM: Draconic.
Me: Well, this island IS home to the dragon council; it'd make sense that the main language here is Draconic.
DM: As you walk through town, you note some red flags being flown. Aran, make me an INT check.
Me: Ok... *rolls, succeeds*
DM: You note that people are walking in and out of this building carrying bags of gold. It catches your eye long enough for you to look inside. It looks like a bank.
Me: A bank... Oh crap. I go inside.
Siaria: What're you doing?
Me: Give me a few minutes.
*Few minutes later...*
Me: Well, I feel a bit better.
Rose: What'd you do?
Me: I opened up a bank account and made a deposit.
Siaria: Why?
Me: See, there's this thing called "interest." So long as I don't touch the money, it'll accrue and get bigger and bigger as time goes on.
Siaria: I don't see how that- Oh gods...
Rami: How much did you put into it?
Me: The minimum; 600 gold. With 1% interest. *grins madly*
DM: Assuming that the bank is around in the present, with 1% interest over 175 years, that would come out to be around... Son of a *****.
Me: *grins wider*
DM: So, you all reach the next town on this island. As you all walk through, you notice that they speak in a language only Siaria understands.
Siaria: What language is that?
DM: Draconic.
Me: Well, this island IS home to the dragon council; it'd make sense that the main language here is Draconic.
DM: As you walk through town, you note some red flags being flown. Aran, make me an INT check.
Me: Ok... *rolls, succeeds*
DM: You note that people are walking in and out of this building carrying bags of gold. It catches your eye long enough for you to look inside. It looks like a bank.
Me: A bank... Oh crap. I go inside.
Siaria: What're you doing?
Me: Give me a few minutes.
*Few minutes later...*
Me: Well, I feel a bit better.
Rose: What'd you do?
Me: I opened up a bank account and made a deposit.
Siaria: Why?
Me: See, there's this thing called "interest." So long as I don't touch the money, it'll accrue and get bigger and bigger as time goes on.
Siaria: I don't see how that- Oh gods...
Rami: How much did you put into it?
Me: The minimum; 600 gold. With 1% interest. *grins madly*
DM: Assuming that the bank is around in the present, with 1% interest over 175 years, that would come out to be around... Son of a *****.
Me: *grins wider*
I had soemthing simular to this happen to one of my characters , I opened an account with 10,000 gold and we were frozen for 500 years..
When I reminded the DM about the account he said the then Duke had placed a statuet of limitations on how long an account could remain intact without activity, apparently the statuet is far less than 500 years..
I still need to kill that dukes family...
Ranger: OOC How many goblins are there?
Me:
Ranger: Seriously, how many?
Me: Too many for you to count.
Ranger: No, seriously... How many, roughly? I'm smart; I can get a rough idea. Are there about 20? 30?
Me:
[Honestly, I didn't know. The idea was that there were too many goblins for them to take the direct approach, so they would have to think a little, this time. There were 3 other paths they could have taken to get into the cave that was the goblins' true stronghold.]
Now, while I was saying that, I didn't think I was talking quietly or trying very hard to hide this conversation from the other players, because they would be able to see it soon enough and I assumed the ranger would want to explain the same things to them. However, at this point, I find that no one else has been paying attention to me, because one of the other players apparently notices that it's been awhile since he started a turn and asks what's going on.
Me: [@Ranger] Go ahead and you tell them.
Ranger: IC: Hey guys, I think we found the camp. There are some goblins up here.
Me: (Thinks: "some" goblins?)
Fighter: How many?
"The line"
Ranger: There are a few.
Me:
Ranger: We can take 'em.
End, "the line"
Me: :OMG!
I start thinking to myself, "Oh my God. They're all going to die. The last 3 weeks were all for nothing. We'll have to start all over again, because they're all going to die." The fighter was the next closest party member and proceeded to the top of the plateau to join the ranger.
Fighter: OOC: As I walk to the top of the path, I bang my sword against my shield and yell out, IC: Come meet your doom foul goblins! :fight!:
Me: [sigh; rub temple with one hand] Alright, there are 2 of you up there, now; I'll show you. Hand me that tub of miniatures.
Player A: I thought you already pulled out all the small minis.
Player B: He must want a different one for this.
Me: [Places entire tub of minis on left side of bonfire][Picks up second tub of mins and places on right side of bonfire].
Players:
Me: That is roughly how many goblins are there. [There are easily 100-150 minis between those 2 tubs]
Players:
Fighter: Holy... [@Ranger] I thought you said there were a few! [Looks at me in disbelief]
Ranger: I didn't think there were that many! [@me] Seriously?
Me: [@everyone] I said there were lots of goblins; there were too many to count.
Players:
Fighter: [after being the first to recover his composure] Well it looks like we've got some goblins to kill.
HAHA sounds too much like our campaign.....so far in the span of a few monthes GT we have slayed a village of evil Istarians, a village of zombies and a village of kuatoas. And are currently on our way to rescue our ranger from the orcs....the rest of the party just doesnt understand that you can solve a lot of problems without fighting..../sigh
background on the next one:
we had a group of about 6 people but the sorcerer "Gallstaff" and the monk "Creamy Pesto" (he was hungry when he named him) went off to scout ahead. they came upon 6 centaurs with spears, and somehow caught them off guard.
Gallstaff: they don't see us, I'm going to send a message to get the rest of the group
Creamy Pesto: No, We can take them.
Gallstaff: you cant take a hit, and you don't even wear armor!!! what makes you think you can take them?
Creamy Pesto: Who needs armor when you can just jump out of the way?
he charges not realizing that they had heard us talking and readied their spears, 6 crits later well Creamy Pesto was a pile of bloodied Creamy Pesto. and I gave his valiant last words to the group
Who needs armor when you can just jump out of the way?:D
Me: The minimum; 600 gold. With 1% interest. *grins madly*
DM: Assuming that the bank is around in the present, with 1% interest over 175 years, that would come out to be around... Son of a *****.
Me: *grins wider*
3422 GP, 8.8 SP
* Also, 1% a year is absolutely pathetic for a bank account. No-one offers that, even with the recession.
Vanador: The Red Dragons are onto us. We'll need to set up another shop to take the heat off the VD. Spread it around, you know, make it harder to rub out.
Dimitry: Ooh! How about the 'Soldier Training and Development' Clinic?
DM: 'Soldier T...' ...I hate you.
:heehee
Take a close look at the initials of the Soldier Training and Development' Clinic...and then realize that the adventuring group is known as VD...
*bladeling comes out and gets defeated by the the two, after this Ivan picks him up and asks beartooth a question*
"What does this look like to you?"
...
...
"DINNER!"
.... I laughed
Vanador: At least she's not a sultry half-Japanese girl with long dark hair and librarian glasses like all the other female NPCs.
What's with the "at least"?
Take a close look at the initials of the Soldier Training and Development' Clinic...and then realize that the adventuring group is known as VD...
Rami Rah: Elan Psion 11 (Currently looks a LOT like Kamina from TTGL)
If that is inclusive of shades, that's awesome. (I bet that if the DM knows of TTGL you would get groans from him if you would actually give your group a name that references the Dai-Gurren Brigade.)
Also, those were some very smart things you did there. Thumbs up.
What's with the "at least"?
These words would indicate that the DM apparently really likes sultry half-japenese women.
If you still don't seem to understand this go talk to some of your friends, just be ready to be laughed at.
Given the *reaction, I'd assume it's monthly - If it's twelve months a year, that would be: 712,912,441,496.173 gp
* Also, 1% a year is absolutely pathetic for a bank account. No-one offers that, even with the recession.
After I told the DM how much gold I'd get if it was anything shorter than a yearly interest rate, he said it would accrue on a yearly basis.
Also, keep in mind that the majority of the people who invest into the banks in this game are dragons with hundreds of thousands of gold pieces. 1% of a million gold is a lot of gold. And when you live for about 2000 years, it adds up.
Besides, I'm planning on investing more into this bank account as soon as I get more money (additions to the account are a minimum 600 gold) to get more to accrue.
I suspect that the DM will let this go, because our party is SERIOUSLY underwealthed, and (assuming we get back to our normal time) this plan will fix that problem.
On the other hand, it is a game.
These words would indicate that the DM apparently really likes sultry half-japenese women.
If you still don't seem to understand this go talk to some of your friends, just be ready to be laughed at.
Waht I meant was "Who in their right mind would even remotely consider this any kind of problem"
Some of these are from 3.5 and some from 4e.
This one isn't really a "best line ever" line (and it has probably been said a lot of times before, just add this one to that number). But still memorable because it's just so stupid.
The party finally approaches a certain city plagued by a magical snowstorm.
Bob the Monk: "But... there's never winter in Neverwinter!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our party is shown in into a large manor by a servant and told to stay in the lounge corner of the entrance hall.
Tiefling Rogue (OOC): I take of my shoes.
Half-elf Warlock: What are you doing... ?
Tiefling Rogue: It's a sign of courtesy where I come from to take your shoes of in anothers house.
Silence...
Half-elf Warlock: Well you courtesy kinda smells...
--------------------------------------
This one was exclaimed about 20+ times by different characters/players during an adventure.
"Use the rabbit!!!"
Our Barbarian had early on picked up a rabbit roasted over fire by some goblins. That rabbit was used for a whole lot of things but the best one was when we came upon a large axe-wielding skeleton and the barbarian wins initiative.
Barbarian: "I throw the rabbit at him!"
Rolls high.
DM: "You hit the skeleton. The rabbit makes a squishy sound when it bounces of the skeletons skull. The skeleton doesn't react."
Barbarian: "Ummm, yeah..."
After defating the skeleton my paladin checks out one of the next rooms where there is a nice-looking sword hanging on the opposing wall.
Paladin (OOC): That just screams trap... is there a stone i can pick up and throw down the room?
DM: No there are no loose stones here.
Whereupon the Paladin, soon joined by the barbarian, starts chucking in the bones of the skeleton in the room covering almost all the floorspace. Nothing happens.
Barbarian: I walk up to the sword.
DM: Your heavy weight makes the folding floor trap release and you plummet into a hole and take damage.
Rolls damage.
Paladin: I make a running start and try to jump over the gap.
Rolls.
DM: You plummet down the hole and land on top of the Barbarian, who takes damage.
Barbarian (OOC): Ugh...
----------------------------------------
And lastly one of our most memorable encounters we had in 4e. Not a "best line" but I wanted to share it anyway.
Our party is inside a magically shielded tower located in the centre of a massive valley in an underground cavern (under the sea. yeah, strange place). On the outside is a giant Purple Worm lurking around (note that we were, lv 3 during this encounter, we were not supposed to fight).
The tower originally had four bridges which three, during our exploration of them and what's on the other side was destroyed. And my character has nearly died two times before in the encounter, making a total of four times in just this day (with no action points left). We decide to run for it since we have no choice. I get last in line since we decided that I had the best chance of delaying it (using "Topple Over" together with shurikens).
We start running, it comes after us. I use Topple Over and misses. DM rolls to see which one of us it goes for. The roll decides no one. We make noises of releaf. We continue running, it comes again. Roll decides no one again.
Now two of us are remaining on the bridge, me and another. It comes again (by now everyone is standing).
Me: Not me!Not me!Not me!Not me!Not me!Not me!Not me!
Roll decides... Me!
Me: Naouuoouuuuu!!! Crap! I'm gonna die!!!
Other player: That's like the fifth time now, right?
Me (with inconsistent tone of voice): I know!
I just barely made the check and everyone just sat down needing to cool off.
Easily one of the "Best Encounters Ever" ever.
Waht I meant was "Who in their right mind would even remotely consider this any kind of problem"
One or two sultry raven-headed Japanese girls in glasses? Mmmm...
But every single female NPC being one? Errrr....
We were all effectively level 9.
Cast
Alex, the Tiefling Warlock
Dar, the Aasimar Dragon Shaman
Sum, the Aquatic Half-elf Ranger/Scout (Me)
Setting
Faerun, Setting out from Waterdeep for an expedition to the Moonshae Iles.
1st Scene
It's a Ship
Dar heard of a request for adventurers and approaches the ship's captain.
Dar: Hey there! Nice boat you got here!
Captain: Boat?
Dar: Yeah!
Captain: ...... Allow me to tell you something. When we set out to sea, where there's no one around to help, we throw anyone overboard who calls this vessel a boat. Now, what did you call this thing?
Dar: Eh..a ship?
Captain: Very good.
2nd Scene
Ship Duty
Dar: I'm not staying below decks! I can do the work!
Sum: You've ever been on a sea voyage before?
Dar: Uh...no.
Sum: ALRIGHT EVERYONE! GUESS WHAT! WE'VE GOT A LANDLUBBER WHO THINKS HE CAN WORK!
Everyone else on the ship begins to laugh.
Dar: I can!
Sum: Alright then, tie these ropes.
Dar: No problem! (rolls)
DM: You manage to make a very impressive knot. However your foot's a part of it now.
Dar: There! See?
Sum: Yes. However, those ropes are for the nets.
Dar: Nets? *Yanked out to sea along with the rest of the fishing nets.*
Sum: I love my job.
Scene 3
Sea Food.
Alex approaches the ship and her captain.
Alex: Greetings, I've come for work.
Captain: Oh really? And what is it you think you can do?
Alex: I'm actually good at cooking, and I already see a crab that would go well for tonights dinner!
Sum: That's my crab! *Medium Monstrous Crab was Sum's animal companion*
On the following morning, after serving breakfast Alex had went into his room for a nap. However, a pirate vessel was spotted approaching.
Sum: Nim! *the crab* Fetch Alex!
Nim: Chitter chitter?
Sum: The smelly one.
Nim: Chitter?
Sum: The really bad smelly one.
Nim: Chitter! *Crab goes below deck and approaches the door to the tiefling's cabin, knocks a claw on the door. Grumbling from the other side, and then...*
Alex: Mmmm, go away...
Bang! Bang! Crack! Crrrrrrrraaaaaaaack smash! Alex sees the crab sunder the door, coming into the cabin with claws clicking and grabbing the warlock's legs.
Alex: Aaaaaaaaah! Alright alright I won't eat you! I won't eat you! I'm sorry I'm sorry!!!
More later!
So, the two of us (and the dog) are in a restaurant eating dinner, when he decides it's time to let my character in on what he's developing. So, what does he do? He waves his cellphone in front of the rather well known blind woman's face. I hear some giggling from around the restaurant and some snickering fron the dog's controller, who has an uplink with my character.
"Are you waving your phone in my face?"
"You can see!"
"No, I can't. I'm blind."
"No, but you can real..."
"No, I can't. I'm blind."
"But you..."
"I'm blind."
"Fine."
A couple of seconds later, it gets really quiet in the restaraunt, and I hear from the gadgeteer, "Dude, he's waving the phone in front of the dog."
"Are you waving your phone in front of my dog now?"
"He's not..."
"He's my seeing eye dog. He still can't read for me."
"But he's!"
"No, he isn't."
I thought the GM was going to cry he was laughing so hard.
Another story, this one from D&D. Ever wonder what happens when you give a low wisdom Swashbuckler a flying carpet? I did, too. We ended up just referring the character as "Stupid
While Flying." Her greatest moment, however, was when we had to break into a church of Heironious. I hop on my flying carpet and go up to the roof, and look in from the sky-light and see some cultists organizing and then heading into a secret passage behind the alter. So, high int, high Charisma, low wisdom character decides she should give them a few seconds to clear out, then she's going to crash in through the skylight. Completely ignoring the fact that the skylight was unlocked. A few seconds later, the party hears a crash and a thud and think "Where's the swashbuckler? Oh,
." They hurriedly examine the front door, to find that it was unlocked, and rush in to find a scratched up and slightly bloody swashbuckler and a roughly swashbuckler shaped indentation in the wood paneled floor. "Did you jump through the skylight?"
"Yeah. It was fun."
"And you didn't use the flying carpet?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"This was more dramatic."
I'm DMing. We have several Italians in the group and a non-Italian who has never played table-top before but likes computer RPGs (this becomes relevant). A number of the players are a little stoned by the time they arrive at the lonely mountain town, only slightly ahead of the oncoming orc army. I have visions of a Magnificent Seven showdown in my head when the computer game player, not quite adapting to the larger and more realistic nature of table top, asks "Is there a shop in this village?"
The stoned Italians giggle a bit at this.
"Yes," I reply. "There are shops."
"Do they sell torches?"
At this, there is a lot more laughing from the Italians. For explanation, "torch" is the Italian equivalent of "joint".
"There's probably a somewhere you can buy some," I reply, "but the orcs are already visible down the valley. They'll be here in a few hours at most." (trying to keep some tension).
"But I only have two torches left and they will not last long." More and louder Italian laughter.
"Why are you laughing? This is serious. And food. We need torches and food."
At this point, everything kind of fell apart and I had to give a lesson in both Italian slang and the non-computer game nature of table top D&D. "No, you don't start taking hp damage if you haven't eaten a ration every four hours." :D
You probably had to be there, but the rallying cry of "torches and food" still brings a smile to my face.
The party had recently found a chest with 100 platinum inside. Being a greedy sort, the elven cleric "Points" (the player never came up with a name, so the others hung that name on him) refused to share with the other two members, Yucca (Human bard) and Sasquatch (human fighter). In the very next corridor, this happened:
Me (DM): You walk briskly down the corridor, with Points in the lead. Points, roll a reflex save.
"Points": *rolls* 12
Me : In your haste, you fail to notice a faint line in the floor. A sharp click sounds from under your feet and the floor drops from beneath you. A door also swings open in the cieling above your head.
"Points": Yaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrg!
Me: From the bottom of the pit you hear an arcane crackle.
Yucca: *looks over the edge of the pit* "where did he go?"
Me: "You hear a distant "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG!" from above you.
Sasquatch: *Scratches head* Now what?
Me: Points falls from the trapdoor in the cieling into the pit. You hear an arcane crackle.
Yucca: "hey! Points! I'll catch you!
Me: Roll an unarmed attack to try to catch him.
Yucca: Is 18 enough?
Me: Easily. You reach over the pit and deftly catch the falling elf.
Points: Thanks.
yucca: Now share that platinum with us.
Points: What!? Never!
Yucca: *Looks at Sasquatch* Did he just..
Sasquatch: Yep.
Points: You can put me down now.
Yucca: *Shrugs* If you say so. *tosses Points into the pit* Come on Sasquatch, there's a dungeon to loot.
Later, a ranger joined the party for a few sessions
Me: An axe from down the corridor narrowly misses your head.
Yucca: How did the big rock we rolled down the corridor not set that off?
Ranger: I've seen that before. Its set to detect living things.
(Note: Halfway down the corridor, a very stong wind is blowing from a cross-corridor)
Yucca: Now what?
Ranger: My friend Cheese will help us out! *Pulls a rat and some string out of a bag on his belt*
Yucca: How will you get him to walk down the corridor?
Ranger I won't. *Ties rat to arrow with the string*
Yucca: Is he going to..
Me: He can't possibly think that that's a good idea. He's probably just yanking your chain.
Ranger: *Fires rat-tipped arrow down the corridor* What?
Me: Your arrow flies very poorly due to the weight, but it goes down the corridor. About a third of the way down, the arrow swings sharply to the left and splatters Cheese against the wall.
Yucca: *Slaps ranger on the back of the head* You idiot! now you've lost your rat!
Ranger: No worries *pulls out another rat* Here's cheese 2! *Ties rat to arrow and fires it down the corridor.
Me: The same thing happens.
time passes
Ranger: Maybe Cheese 47 will do better!
Yucca: First, why would this be any different from the last 46 times you tried it? Second, where in the name of Saint George do you keep pulling those rats from!?
The party had recently found a chest with 100 platinum inside. Being a greedy sort, the elven cleric "Points" (the player never came up with a name, so the others hung that name on him) refused to share with the other two members, Yucca (Human bard) and Sasquatch (human fighter). In the very next corridor, this happened:
Me (DM): You walk briskly down the corridor, with Points in the lead. Points, roll a reflex save.
"Points": *rolls* 12
Me : In your haste, you fail to notice a faint line in the floor. A sharp click sounds from under your feet and the floor drops from beneath you. A door also swings open in the cieling above your head.
"Points": Yaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrg!
Me: From the bottom of the pit you hear an arcane crackle.
Yucca: *looks over the edge of the pit* "where did he go?"
Me: "You hear a distant "YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG!" from above you.
Sasquatch: *Scratches head* Now what?
Me: Points falls from the trapdoor in the cieling into the pit. You hear an arcane crackle.
Yucca: "hey! Points! I'll catch you!
Me: Roll an unarmed attack to try to catch him.
Yucca: Is 18 enough?
Me: Easily. You reach over the pit and deftly catch the falling elf.
Points: Thanks.
yucca: Now share that platinum with us.
Points: What!? Never!
Yucca: *Looks at Sasquatch* Did he just..
Sasquatch: Yep.
Points: You can put me down now.
Yucca: *Shrugs* If you say so. *tosses Points into the pit* Come on Sasquatch, there's a dungeon to loot.
Later, a ranger joined the party for a few sessions
Me: An axe from down the corridor narrowly misses your head.
Yucca: How did the big rock we rolled down the corridor not set that off?
Ranger: I've seen that before. Its set to detect living things.
(Note: Halfway down the corridor, a very stong wind is blowing from a cross-corridor)
Yucca: Now what?
Ranger: My friend Cheese will help us out! *Pulls a rat and some string out of a bag on his belt*
Yucca: How will you get him to walk down the corridor?
Ranger I won't. *Ties rat to arrow with the string*
Yucca: Is he going to..
Me: He can't possibly think that that's a good idea. He's probably just yanking your chain.
Ranger: *Fires rat-tipped arrow down the corridor* What?
Me: Your arrow flies very poorly due to the weight, but it goes down the corridor. About a third of the way down, the arrow swings sharply to the left and splatters Cheese against the wall.
Yucca: *Slaps ranger on the back of the head* You idiot! now you've lost your rat!
Ranger: No worries *pulls out another rat* Here's cheese 2! *Ties rat to arrow and fires it down the corridor.
Me: The same thing happens.
time passes
Ranger: Maybe Cheese 47 will do better!
Yucca: First, why would this be any different from the last 46 times you tried it? Second, where in the name of Saint George do you keep pulling those rats from!?
This first one needs some backstory. The player of our Wizard is an anime fan, and one of the animes he's a fan of is Naruto. Therefore, we agreed that the verbal component to his Read Magic spell is "Byakugan!". During the first time we played, the Elf Ranger went to go get another drink in the kitchen, but we continue without her. The Wizard attempts to look through a keyhole and rolls a natural 1 on his spot check, so I rule that he bumps his eye on the dooroknob, followed by him recoiling back, holding his eye, and shouting "Why the F*** do they put doorknobs there!"
Next, he looks through the window, and sees red on the floor. He casts Read Magic, and the exchange goes like this...
W: BYAKUGAN!
R: (poking her head back through the door) ...Did someone just say papercut?
Another one from the second time involves the Ranger and the Dwarf Cleric. While I talk to the Wizard through an NPC, the two of them are carrying on an in game argument. I start paying attention just in time to catch this.
R: Hey, don't shoot the messenger!
D: I may not be able to shoot the messenger, but I can sure chop her off at the knees! *glare*
My friend wanted this girl real bad.
Devilin (My friend): Hey baby, want to go do some stuff?
The girlthen kicks him in the nuts, tries to apologize and fails, then falls over when he tries to stand up.
Me: Dude, you just failed, like, thirteen different checks. /applause.
Devilin: You are a d***.
IRL:
My friend wanted this girl real bad.
Devilin (My friend): Hey baby, want to go do some stuff?
The girlthen kicks him in the nuts, tries to apologize and fails, then falls over when he tries to stand up.
Me: Dude, you just failed, like, thirteen different checks. /applause.
Devilin: You are a d***.
Either your friend manages to sound extremely threatening when he propositions someone, or that girl is one nasty psycho.
I just had fun with casting suggestion.
And either beggining or ending it with would you kindly?
Still working on that underwater city...
My friend has a 3.5 Warlock who abuses the crap out of charm using that line! Cause I DM that group, 'would you kindly?' has become code between the two of us for 'I'm using Charm on whoever I'm talking to'. The rest of the group still hasn't quite cottoned on yet, although they're finally starting to get suspicious.
That Warlock also has Leadership and a warren full of kobold minions.
Bard: I think you fellows should join us, adventurering is much more noble than waiting on the roads to steal from innocent people. We steal from civilizations that have been dead for centuries!
Characters: all level 3 now
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard
Daxon Silver: human swashbuckler
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric
Part One
Elim wanted studs added to his leather armor; the exchange between him and the armorsmith went as such:
Elim: How long would it take to add studs to this armor? I mean, aside from me, of course :wink:
Part Two:
In the last adventure, Daxon had found a shiny ring and needed it to be identified. He happened to learn that a group of diviners were among the people he helped rescue from the gnoll slave pits in the last adventure.
Daxon: I found this ring, it seems to have some sort of magical quality to it but I can't put my finger on it.
Sofia (NPC diviner): Yes good sir because you need to put your finger through it.
Daxon:
The Party:
Lisa Standing: In our world, a policewoman investigating the recent disappearances in Doolin. There's almost no evidence and she's not expected to find anything, hence being sent in alone, and she's really annoyed. In the Netherworld, she's an elf Red Mage, about a full foot taller, and quite disconcerted by the fact that she gained several inches on the ears and lost most of her breasts. I had ever so much fun with her.
Frederick Jones: In our world, an Archaeologist with a ridiculous amount of knowledge when it comes to mythology and languages - he knows something like nine languages at last count. He's in Doolin on holiday. In the Netherworld, he's a moogle Black Mage. He hates the fur but loves the ability to throw fireballs at will. Bloody funny.
Lockpicking
Lisa, being a copper in the old-fashioned sense, knows how to pick locks. Before Lisa and Fred ran into each other, he found some weird things at the old lighthouse. Two decades worth of dust covers most of the building, but the actual lamp is pristine and perfect. We think. It looks like that from the outside, but the door to the actual lamp room is locked and, well...
Lisa: (OOC)
92. Aight, I'll use one of my Good Fortune rolls for the day. *roll roll* 99.DM:
Give up.Lisa: (OOC) NO, dammit! I'll use the other one. ... You have got to be
kidding me. 100. *whine*DM: I hope this isn't an omen...
Awareness
Yeah, it was an omen. We're wandering around town, and someone suggests that we go visit 'that lovely girl Ellen'. So off we go, and there's apparently something going on in her cabin. Not that we'd bloody notice...
DM: The cottage looks like it used to belong to a fisherman or something. There's a lot of unused fishing equipment and a lifering from a boat. Make Awareness checks.
Fred: (OOC) ... 93.
Lisa: (OOC) 89.
DM: Bloody hell! You see nothing, you know nothing. Now talk to the girl.
*A few minutes later, after the conversation is over.*
DM: The door opens unexpectedly. Awareness.
Fred: (OOC)
90.Lisa: (OOC) ...99. Again.
DM: As far as you guys can tell, the door just opened and closed on its own.
*And later still, heading to the pub.*
DM: Something seems to be odd about the scene in front of you. Awareness. *sigh*
Fred: (OOC) Argh! 87.
Lisa: (OOC) 49. Yes, finally, I made it! *happy dance*
DM: You catch a glimpse of a tall man in a trench coat, but you blink and he's gone.
Lisa: (OOC) That's
it?DM: Yeah.
Fred: (OOC) You suck.
Childhood Friends
We return to the pub at midnight, and find it filled, with... well, you decide. There's a horned pig sitting upright drinking Guinness, a pretty lady who Fred is fairly certain is a banshee, a rat dressed like a hobo, a skeleton dressed like a hippie with a saxaphone and the bloke behind the bar is a bloody tree. Ellen is waiting for us at a table with a bloke in trenchcoat.
Lisa: *collapses into a chair at the table* I need whiskey and lots of it.
Fred: *ditto* Make mine vodka, will you?
DM as Man: Told you. You owe me five quid.
Lisa: Charming as this place is, WTF is going on?
DM as Ellen: They're all half-lives. Doolin is more than the village of the dead. (Pure DM) Fred, roll Celtic Mythology.
Fred: (OOC) 15! Yeeeeessss!
DM: Half-lives are childhood friends and figments of the imagination. Speaking of which... *checks notes* Fred, you notice a purple cat sitting on the bar grinning at you.
Fred: :OMG! Lisa, do you see a purple cat sitting on the bar?
Lisa: *checks* Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Fred: That's... my... imaginary... friend...
Lisa:
Oh no.DM: And oh look, here comes a robot dog.
Lisa: :embarrass
Fred: Is that... K9?!
Lisa: *nod*
Fred: You have serious issues.
Lisa: Bite me.
Paying The Price
This is when Fred's player started getting really funny. Keats is the trenchcoat guy who Lisa saw earlier.
DM: Ellen and Keats smile at you, and Ellen's form seems to waver for a moment. When it stops she's wearing pure white clothing with a celtic design. You feel a strange pulse in the air, and realise that the floor design you're standing on it starting to glow.
Fred: Oh
Lisa:
I just know this is going to hurt.DM: Stone pillars shoot up around you, and you feel like your entire body is being torn apart atom by atom. For a few moments you're enulfed by green light before it subsides and the pain backs off a little. You feel like you've gone twelve rounds with a combine harvester. You both fall to the ground.
Fred: Fornicatum.
Lisa: Sometimes I hate being right.
Fred: What did you just do?
DM as Keats: You did say you'd pay whatever price you needed to find the missing people.
Fred: I normally check my bill first!
DM as Keats: Don't worry, it wears off in a few hours.
Fred: Why didn't you let me check the bloody bill?
DM and Lisa:
Welcome To The Jungle... er, Netherworld
Because of the way we were turned into Guardians, our alternate forms are constantly active. To our disgust.
DM to Fred: You feel fuzzy. Really, really, literally fuzzy. You also seem to be bloody short, your shoulder blades feel strange, and there's something red and heavy hovering just above your head.
Fred: :OMG! What the hell? I'M SHORT!
DM: You're also covered with short white fur.
Fred: I'M SHORT AND FUZZY! Damn you, woman!
DM to Lisa: You, on the other hand, feel taller. You're about a foot taller than Keats now.
Lisa: Oooooooooo.
DM: Your ears feel kind of weird too, and you seem to be able to hear pretty much everything. You've suddenly gained a sword and shield, but, well, your boobs are much smaller.
Lisa: WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BREASTS?!?!
DM as Keats: I don't mind the location though. :inlove:
Lisa: Lady, you've made him into a teddy bear with a pompom...
Fred: POMPOM? You turned me into a MOOGLE!!!
Lisa: And I've lost my ****. You'd better make the explanation you're about to make phenonemally good.
Ellen: You can cast magic now.
Fred: Huh? *casts Fire and makes a tree go boom*
I can make fire. Maybe being small and fuzzy has its advantages.Lisa: Ooooooooh. *manages to cast Thunder on another tree* That's pretty cool. ...I still want my **** back.
Man, I hope we get to play more before Fred's player moves.
Player: Can I cast Magic Missile on the pool?
DM: What? Um... I guess. But why do you want to -
Player: I cast Magic Missile on the pool.
THE PARTY
Dwarf Fighter
Dragonborn Warlord (me)
Halfling Rogue
Dragonborn Cleric
Eladrin Wizard (Specializing in frost)
All level 1's. (We were doing the adventure out of the back of the 4th edition DMG)
In the first room we encountered a pool of green liquid. I dipped my glaive (the only weapon long enough) in to see what it was. It turned out to be some kind of superglue and so my weapon was sticky. Then we fought some kobalds in the next room. I hit one with my glaive killing it. The problem was my weapon's blade was stuck to the dead kobald.
I run over to the kobald shaman, (who was a mid-boss) and ask my DM if I can bludgon him with the kobald. He said yes. This was the following exchange:
DM: Roll for attack
ME: WOOT! (rolled critical)
DM:Uh... The shaman dies.
ME: Sweet!
OTHER GUY: Wait... Did you just kill a kobald with another kobald?
ME: Yeah.
OTHER GUY: Dude, that was brilliant!
ME::D
Then later in the last encounter, we fought a white dragon. (remember the wizard specialized in frost, and may I add, has made less than 35% of his attack rolls today.) The rest of the party charges to attack the dragon and the wizard stands there.
Wizard: I've done the math, if I get a critical hit, I can deal exactly 0 damage.
Me:Great
Wizard: I use Mage Hand to pick up a stone and throw it at him.
DM: It deals 1 damage.
Me: Wait! You can reshape the universe at a whim, spontaniously manifest arcane powers beyond our comprehension, are smarter than the rest of us combined and you plan to defeat the dragon by THROWING A ROCK AT IT!!!
Wizard: That's about right.
Me:You are officially the LVPC!
Wizard: Huh?
Me: Least Valuable Player Character. (A term, I believe I have created.)
More to come!
I am seeing an increasing number of stories involving people wielding kobolds as weapons. If this keeps up, maybe they'll add them to the PHB as buyable weapons. Maybe add feats like "Weapon Focus: Kobold" and such.
LOL, I had a player who used a Kobold as a weapon (It's in my sig). He did 1 leathal damage to the Orc, 1 leathal damage to the Kobold, and knocked the Kobold prone in front of the Orc who was five levels higher then it.
Kobolds are useless weapons for damage, but if you think about it, they can distract enemies.
Tannen: What the blazes is that racket?
Strumpf: Either two warforged are having sex, or the washing machine's off-balance again.
Harmony: Time manipulator from New York, can speed up or slow down people and objects. Uses swear words like commas.
Angela: Take the Invisible Woman and give her the kung-fu of Chuck Norris. As if you could see Chuck Norris coming...
Goro: Four-armed sharpshooter from Kentucky. Not the brightest crayon in the box, but certainly the strongest.
Dent: Group leader & S.H.I.E.L.D. agent. He's hired Harmony, Angela, and Goro as his assistants in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s super hero unit.
Katt: Alien catgirl with the spy skills of Solid Snake and the gadgeteering skills of MacGyver. She's currently on a mission to assess Earth's threat level to "The Empire" back home.
Katt has been mingling in with humans for only one day until she watched a group of homeless people get beaten up and rolled by a street gang. She shot one gang member and chased them off, but they promised to come back later. Katt decided to help the homeless by using her gadgeteering skills to arm them. That night the other PCs were holding a sting operation nearby and caught a glimpse of the "Hobo/Gang" war and got involved.
Gang Leader: "Which one of you bums is the leader?"
Katt: "I dunno, which one of you idiots has the half a brain?"
Gang Leader: "Shoot her first!"
Katt: "Okay, well it certainly isn't you."
Katt: "Gather around hobos, we shall take back this underpass land! They may give us hell, but they'll never give us handouts!!"
Angela: "Uh... the hobos are throwing their liquor at the street gang."
Harmony: "That's nothing new."
Angela: "Yeah, but they're lighting the bottles first and throwing them like grenades."
Harmony: "Okay, now THAT is new."
Goro: "We gotta help those bums!"
Dent: "We'll blow our cover."
Goro: "But we gotta save the hooch!"
Harmony: "It's like freakin' Hobocon."
GM: "Harmony, your action?"
Harmony: "I raise my SHIELD badge above my head and yell 'In the name of the law, put down your weapons and surrender!'"
GM: "Your badge get's shot out from your hand."
Harmony: "I'm going to count that as assault against a federal officer."
Dent: "Can I ask, who are you?"
Katt: "I'm no one of consequence."
Dent: "No seriously, you lead a group of hobos like a revolutionary army. You did in 4 minutes what Miami-Dade anti-gang units haven't done in months."
Katt: "I find that given enough motivation you can lead a group of people to do anything."
Dent: "Yeah, I know. That explains this country for the past 12 years."
Looking at another players mini.
Player: "Your back flap is open in your armor!"
I missed a group of Human guards for a previous encounter, so I had the guards ambush the party while they attempted an extended rest.
The party beat them quite handily.
Player 1: So the dead guys are late.
Player 2: They are late? That is not going to look good on their next performance review.
Player 1: Our new president is a melee?
Player 2: Well he is not femelee.
Player 1: How do you calculate Athletics?
Player 2: You use the Fourier Transform.
DM: You just got a very powerful artifact.
Player: I am going to e-bay.
Player: Chuck Norris rolls natural 21s.
Main players in my games: Matt, George, Storm, Rob
In pregame discussion, we got on the topic of superheroes. That discussion died with the following exchange:
Rob: Superman is so much smarter than him.
Me: Who, Goku or Jesus?
Another OOC bit, one player, Matt, is a hugh guy who is fairly passive. Except while gaming.
Matt (to Me): You know, it would be really easy just to reach over a break your jaw to shut you up.
Me: Yeah, but I know you. You would refuse to drive me to the hospital, and then we wouldn't be friends anymore.
From a recent SWSE game:
Me: I am going to take all the Stormtroopers' thermal detonators an-
Rob: You know they are coded to each specific 'Trooper.
Me: You didn't let me finish. I'm also taking their thumbs.
Storm: You know, I could just see you trying to find the right thumb for the grenade. 'No... No... No... YES!!! ::BOOOOOOOOM:: no...'
GM (Rob): So as you head down the hall towards-
Me (leaning back in chair, idly making noise): Woom-Woom-Woom-Woom- (falling over) Kh-ph-tish!
Everyone:
Me: Sorry, repulser coil blew. Please continue.
GM (Rob, describing a Large Gammorean's clothing): What is that long thing that hangs down between his legs?
Me: A p****?
George: A loincloth.
Me: And that covers his p****.
From our DnD games:
Matt (making a character after a death): Hey, where did all my stuff go?
George (pointing at me): In Jon's pockets.
Matt (complaining about George's feminin sorcerer who won't shut up): God, we need to get something to gag him.
Me: I know what would gag him. Drop trow.
Storm (as Warlord): Okay, who needs Inspiring Word?
George: I'm at 8.
Matt: I'm at 8.
Me: I'm standing in front of the DRAGON!
Matt: Jon, why is it the only thing you do is fight?
Me: Come on. 8 Int, 8 Cha. I have a 14 wisdom so I know I should kill it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Negotiating with a tribe of Minotaurs and Hill Giants to help in the war against the invading Horde.]
Minotaur (NPC): Through words and deeds, you have proven your worth, and we shall fight by your side when the Horde lands.
Vanador: Thank you, sir, it is an honor.
Minotaur: But first, we must consummate the accord.
V+D: ...Consumate?
Minotaur: The first option is that you must marry the Earth Chief's youngest daughter.
[A 10' half-ton Giant detaches herself from the circle and steps forward.]
Daughter: [in a deep, booming voice] Be gentle, it is my first time.
Vanador: ...And option B?
Minotaur: If you will not marry the Earth Chief's youngest daughter, the two of you must fight his eldest son with naught but stones, sticks and the skin on your backs.
[A 12' three-quarters ton Giant detaches himself from the circle with a grin.]
Son: [in a deep, booming voice] No need be gentle with me.
Dimitry: She's a lovely girl, Vanador.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[Pregame chat about an NPC employee of the VD Clinic]
DM: I was planning on roleplaying a bit of Shifty's funeral this time, but I decided to skip it.
Dimitry: Good call, probably would've been awkward.
Vanador: "Shifty's soul is in a better place. …Well, actually, it isn't. It was eaten by a Devourer and destroyed utterly after being tortured and used to shoot dark necrotic energy waves at us. We know, we were there. Cheer up family and loved ones, I’m sure being blasted to complete non-existence isn't as bad as it looked to us, who were watching it happen slowly and painfully."
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DM: The Lady Ruth approaches you after the meeting.
Dimitry: Is she the one with the nubile hair?
DM: Yes she's the one with the nubile hair.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DM: You enter the Puppy Mill (a Pet Shop in downtown New Oakbrook). There's a scrawny teenage Goblin behind the counter with thick glasses and a nametag that says Spunk.
V+D: *snort*
DM: ...What?
Vanador: That's his name? You know what it means, right?
DM: Well, yeah, it means, 'peppy', and 'resilient', and...
Dimitry: *leans in, whispers to DM*
DM: THAT WAS UNINTENTIONAL.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DM: So, you have a lot of orphans trailing along behind you as you make your way back to the City.
Dimitry: Cool. Let's put 'em to work in the Clinic!
Vanador: No, that may not look seemly. We're rich, we should build an Orphanage, or school or something.
Dimitry: How about... the Aiding Infants in Distress Scholarium.
DM+Vanador: *working it out under their breath* NO!
Dimitry: Ha, we invented AIDS! Take that, CIA, we beat you to it!
DM: ...So wrong...
(DM's Note: I sent them to the 9 Hells for this)
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: ...Hey Dimitry?
Dimitry: Yeah?
Vanador: Just thought of something. You know those Warforged we put in our bag of holding when we were going to the Giants, as backup? Like, a week ago?
Dimitry: ...We never took them out, did we.
Vanador: Maybe we should drop in some cards, or something.
Dimitry: Good plan.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Stay tuned for next time, when the Horde Fleet lands at New Oakbrook!
DM: THAT WAS UNINTENTIONAL
Dimitry: How about... the Aiding Infants in Distress Scholarium.
That sounds like something that would happen to me...
The Cast:
Melisandre - lvl 6 pipe-smoking female Duskblade.
Kevan - lvl 6 Monk. Has a tendency to make extremely poor attack rolls, and has therefore been next to useless in combat.
Garland - lvl 6 Rogue / Spellthief / Duskblade / Assassin and all-round scoundrel.
Theodor (me) - lvl 6 Favoured soul with a flaming claymore, cigars, and fire resistance.
Alexandor - lvl 6 astral ship-captain psyker thingy.
---
We are approaching the local baron, hoping to use his library. The 2 arrogant guards do not want to let us pass. We are trying to argue our way in, but Garland is impatient.
Theodor: "No, you misunderstand. If we you let us use the library it will be in the interests of the local community."
Guard: "No. Go away."
Garland to Theodor while he tries to argue: "If you can get up later will it be OK?"
Thedor (not really paying attention to Garland): "What? Well, OK."
Garland uses an assassin blow to paralyse one of the guards.
Garland (OOC): "He will be fine."
Alexandot (OOC): "The other guard doesn't know that."
The other guard activates an alarm, which makes the fence he is standing in front of shoot lightning for an insane amount of damage, killing Kevan in the process (he was later resurrected).
Alexandor: "Run away!"
Garland: "Loot the fence!"
Out 3.5 Psion: "I'm going to approach this with subtlety *checks character sheet* can I do that?"
I have to be missing something here...
Sometimes a lengthy explenation is needed, this is definatly one of those times...
Out 3.5 Psion: "I'm going to approach this with subtlety *checks character sheet* can I do that?"
Good line, but...
A psion, a master of the invisible arts, was having trouble being subtle? I'm curious what the rest of the story was too.
::EDIT::
I should contribute too.
We were sneaking around a prison. We come upon a lit doorway. The psychic warrior sends his psicrystal ahead, and spies four guards inside. So we all get out our tanglefoot bags and prepare to ambush them.
Rogue: I'll take the guy with the beard.
Binder: I'll take the ugly one.
Psychic Warrior: I'll take the short one.
We all rush around the corner and launch our tanglefoot bags -- Splat! Splat! Splat! -- at the same dwarf. His hand of cards is glued to his beard, the dwarf is glued to his chair, and the chair is glued to the floor. The other four dwarf guards jump up and fight us, while the one glued dwarf sits watching helplessly for the whole encounter.
Wiz: I concentrate on the big oak tree.
DM: You detect dozens of minds concealed by the leafy boughs.
Wiz: I pick one at random and zero in on its thoughts.
DM: It's a sprite. It's sharpening arrows.
Wiz: What's it thinking?
DM: "I hope those two humans have some cool s***."
Players:
DM: :D
MrJake
I got it from one of the best fanfics I've ever read, haven't been able to use it yet, but when I see that huge+ sized big bad, its ready.
Good line, but...
A psion, a master of the invisible arts, was having trouble being subtle? I'm curious what the rest of the story was too.
I forgot the situation precisely. I believe he wanted to knock out some friendlies that had been turned into Elans and were firing at him with muskets. He is a kineticist and generally blasts his way through anything. I believe his most subtle powers as internal barrier and levitate
Cast:
Featherweight: ostrich and motorcycle alt modes. By accident deleted his robot mode. Not very smart.
Coverup: helicopter and the leader. Dying from some sort of unnatural rusting.
Ninjasaur: yes, he's a robot dinosaur ninja. Much bigger than the rest of us, but only in dinosaur mode. Has cloaking technology and likes to take a huge bite out of things while invisible. Also very honorable.
Snapshot: a security camera who likes to film people in embarrassing situations he put them in and then put up on YouTube. Has made a mortal enemy of a security guard he locked up in a cell just for kicks.
"Captain" Avalanche: a snow plow with a flying shield in robot mode. Initially this character was going to be honorable and war-weary, but now he's just a pirate who keeps switching sides. Also, obsessed with the "wench-bots" and has a supernatural ability to hunt down individuals, as long as they're female and he's seen a picture.
Scene 1:
Featherweight's reintroduction to the game after a brief leave of absence. He wakes up after an attack, finding all of his old crew dead.
DM: Oh wait, that one's still - no, wait. Ok, now he's dead.
Featherweight discovers his legs are broken and he can't walk.
Featherweight: Damn it! I'm getting shot at and I can't escape. If only I could, I don't know, turn into a motorcycle and escape. Wait a minute . . .
Scene 2:
In battle with some Decepticons. They're both females, and one is currently crawling up Ninjasaur's back.
Ninjasaur: Ninjasaur not comfortable getting this close to you. Not even take you to dinner yet.
Great, now you made me want to play a Transformer when I have to be running a World of Darkness game tonight, thanks a lot Omni
Him: Well, if you have airships in your setting, monks really don't fit. Airships are from a european-high-fanstasy setting, and monks, as they stand, don't mesh with that.
Me: That's probably for the best.
Him: Why?
Me: Monks get slow fall: everything, right?
Him: Yeah...
Me: So, there's a monk on an airship, you throw out two long pieces of rope for him to brace against, and he jumps out. Anything he lands on takes (if he's around 200 lbs) 40d6+unarmed strike damage, and he's unharmed.
Him: So, monks fall, everyone dies?
Me: Exactly. It's the new drop kick.
Congratulations, you just made my edit my signature.
I feel I speek for others on this as well when I say this..
???
Transformers, more than meets the eye.
Great, now you made me want to play a Transformer when I have to be running a World of Darkness game tonight, thanks a lot Omni
Well I'm sorry. Also, I forgot a line and a funny story (without an exact line).
DM: Ok, does that attack hit Featherweight? (NOTE: unmodified roll of 11 using a d12 system).
player (might have been Coverup or Ninjasaur): He has an armor class of No.
It's true, the attack missed me. We're now laughing at the image of somebody trying to punch the ostrich in the face and it just swerving its head to the side.
Featherweight counterattacks with a kick. NOTE: pile drivers for legs. This is a truly scary kung fu ostrich. The enemy is blown back 5 squares. We now have this funny exchange.
DM: He leaps in to attack. *misses*
Featherweight: Whoopow! *kicks, blows him back 5 squares again.*
DM: He leaps in to attack. *misses*
Featherweight: Whoopow! *kicks, blows him back 5 squares again.*
DM: He leaps in to attack. *misses*
Featherweight: Whoopow! *kicks, blows him back 5 squares again.*
DM: He leaps in to attack. *misses*
Featherweight: Whoopow! *kicks, blows him back 5 squares again.*
DM: Screw this. He goes invisible and runs off.
Ok, I'm a dirty, dirty optimizer. But this incredible AC was unintended. I maxed my speed stat to get the funny image of a supersonic ostrich. I statted him up to be a kicking fiend after seeing Dirty Jobs and the ostrich wranglers (they're scarier than you'd think, they have strong kicks), so I needed high Endurance. Turns out this system adds those two together to calculate AC.
We've been sent to scout out a farm where we need to procure food for the villagers. I and the Ranger are scouting. We've just identified several Ghasts preparing to blow it the crap up.
Ranger: (OOC: Alright, I'm going to pull out my bow and start shooting them)
DM: Uh, okay- Monk (Me), you going to do anything?
Me: Perhaps it would be better to report our findings back to the rest of the group before engaging in an action against superior forces (OOC: Uh yeah, gimme a sec)
Ranger: Nah, I want to shoot them. (OOC: I designate the monk as my dodge target)
Me: (OOC: I designate the ranger as my dodge target- can we roll for initiative?)
DM: Sure *we roll, I get higher initiative*
Me: (OOC: Alright. I attack the ranger with my stunning fist) Perhaps I was wrong to believe you could be trusted (the ranger is chaotic neutral)
DM: *Rolls* Alright, you punch him in the face, he drops all his **** and is stunned for the rest of the round. Next round, what are you going to do?
Me: *Smiling* Perhaps good sir you are suffering under an artificial inflation of your estimated abilities- so I will give you a more clear cut option-YOINK! (OOC: I grab his crossbow and bolt running at 4x speed for the party. If the ranger's going to go after the ghouls, he's going to do it melee)
Ranger: (OOC: I'm so going to shoot you)
Me: *gestures towards the DM*
DM: *quoting himself* "You're a monk, you're a monk, you're a monk- ooh, area of effect-buuut, you're a monk."
The party freed some towns folk prisoners from the hands of a necromancer. Unfortunately, one of the party members (lets call him Bob) got cursed and perceived a small boy they saved as a demon. Eventually this had him got locked into the town's prison while the rest of the party was already on their way (they didn't know Bob ended up in prison). in prison, the small boy appeared before Bob and the walls and floor of his cell started to bleed. This freaked the hell out of the villagers who promptly decided to put Bob to trial.
Mayor:
Bob:"I surely am cursed by the foul necromancer we battled to free your friends. If you kill me in your town, I am sure you will be cursed as well! So I suggest you let me go free, and I will leave and take the curse with me, so you'll be safe."
Mayor:"But if we would kill you outside the town, we won't be cursed, right?"
Bob:"err... well..."
Mayor:"It's decided then! We'll hang you outside the walls!"
And off they went. Fortunately Bob was able to sway their minds so in the end they tied him onto a horse and chased him back to the domain of the necromancer.
The next session, the player who played Bob had a new character (let's name him AL). Al joined the party who was currently raiding an orcish village. Al's motivation of joining was that his beloved mother was being held captive by the orcs and he desperately wanted to free her.
So after a fierce battle the party took the village and AL was finally able to close his poor mother in his arms (they also freed some other prisoners as well). Now the following hilarious situation occurred.
AL:"Ok, I have freed my mother. I'll send her along with the other prisoners and I'll go adventuring with you, guys."
PARTY:"Err... It is very dangerous around here with all the orcs, so, given the amount of trouble and devotion you invested in this mission, wouldn't it be wiser to escort her home, to safety?"
AL:"Nah. My background clearly states I only wanted to free my mother. But it never said anything about me having to escort her to safety afterwards."
PARTY:"Err... Isn't that the whole part of rescuing your mother?"
After much debate AL decided to knock his poor mother unconscious, bribed the other prisoners to take her with them and happily adventured on with the rest of the party. And all this as a GOOD character!!!
"Stop putting your character in my magic spot!"
We're fighting zombies. Our party is not, shall we say, the most cohesive.
Well, you ARE fighting zombies. When was the last time you saw a zombie movie where the characters worked together smoothly and peacefully?
MrJake
She gave us a dirty look, but invited us in. The magic users went to the library to study, while us grunts found other things to do. She offered us some food, and from there things got weird...
Me: Food? Cool. I'd like some brownies! Magic brownies!
DM: Wait, what? Eh, sure why not. *tosses a d20 half jokingly* 20!
DM:
You get a magical plate of endless brownies, and they are awesome.Me:
Ranger: Wow! I'd like some chicken legs!
DM: *rolls another d20* 2!
DM: OK, you pull a weird, demon-chicken out of the bag. It looks inedible.
Ranger: I keep him as a pet.
So now the ranger has a demon-chicken familiar. Or something.
Also, this next part takes some explaining.
On the way to the aforementioned mage's house we ran into some wights. Every single one of them went for me (a dragonborn fighter) because I had the most healing surges. I proceded to get surrounded, and whaled on for several turns. By the end of the battle they had drained me of 10 healing surges! I never dodged a single attack!
By the time we killed them all, I had used several self-recovery powers just to keep them from draining those surges too.
Back to the brownies.
Someone made a comment that I was shoving my face full of junk food and I'd get fat and couldn't be a hero any more.
Me: Hey, this is medicinal! I just got drained by 4 wrights! I need the sugar!
Them: 0_o
We eventually decided that the plate of magic brownies has 4 brownies (all corner pieces), and eating one gives you temporary HP as if spending a healing surge. You have to drink a glass of milk during a short rest for the plate to spawn more brownies. :D
Well, you ARE fighting zombies. When was the last time you saw a zombie movie where the characters worked together smoothly and peacefully?
I did see one, once ... it was several years ago, and I don't think it was a popular movie, and I think I only saw it once or twice ... or am I thinking of Ghosts of Mars? ... I'll try to get back to you ....
On the way to the aforementioned mage's house we ran into some wrights.
Er ... what's a wright? Did you mean a wight?
The Cast:
Melisandre - lvl 6 pipe-smoking female Duskblade.
Kevan - lvl 6 Monk. Has a tendency to make extremely poor attack rolls, and has therefore been next to useless in combat.
Garland - lvl 6 Rogue / Spellthief / Duskblade / Assassin and all-round scoundrel.
Theodor (me) - lvl 6 Favoured soul with a flaming claymore, cigars, and fire resistance.
Alexandor - lvl 6 astral ship-captain psyker thingy.
---
We get into the baron's library to study. The baron is appearently sick. We have reason to believe some sort of undead, possibly a vampire, is involved. Theodor, proficient in healing, manages to convince the suspicious guards to have a look at the baron. They let him, but alone and unarmed.
DM: "The baron looks pale and is cold to the touch. He looks dying. Make a heal check (Theodor makes it). You see two puncture marks on his neck, as if from fangs."
Theodor: "Poor guy. I wash his face with holy water."
DM: "His skin starts to steam."
Theodor (at guard): "He has a fever!" (at DM) "I give him a glass of of holy water."
DM: "He does not like that. He doesn't want to swallow."
Theodor, who due to a magic amulet has a strenght of 24: "Come on. Swallow your medicine like a big boy." Theodor graps hold of the baron's chin and forces him to swallow.
DM: "He coughs and convulses a bit. He is dead, and begins to slowly dissolve."
Theodor: "I tuck him in tightly (at guard) Give him a good nights rest. He will be fine tomorrow. Ooops! Look at the time. I better get going. See U!"
Thus ended the reign of baron von Stark.
DM: “Roll a d20 for a Stupidity Check.”
Me: “Three.”
DM: “The clouds open up and a bolt of lighting strikes three feet in front of you. You are blind for the next three rounds.”
(This was his way of telling us we were being incredibly dumb) ^^
Half-Orc Druid: “I swear to drunk, I am not Obad-Hai.”
Elf Ranger: “You end up with a bunch of shrapnel and are no longer able to bear children.”
Me (as sub DM): “Screw physics, I’m the DM!”
Elf Ranger (referring to NPC): “Jenova’s Witness Ranger.”
DM: “Jewish hick Fighter.”
DM: “I wanna see the Halfling in a drinking game.”
(And I WON!) :D
DM: (threatening to throw the Halfling into a breadbox) “It’s like a gerbil cage.”
Elf Ranger: (talking about tying the Halfling to the bed) “It occurs to me that with one bedsheet, one bed, and one Halfling, there’s a lot of bedsheet.”
Dwarf Fighter: “I want the bar to be lower so I can be extra belligerent.”
Elf Ranger: (after getting VD) “I put on whatever armor and weaponry I can, and I’ll wait an hour. If the swelling isn’t gone in an hour, I’m killing somebody.”
Human Rogue: “I was paying attention.”
Half-Orc Druid: “You must have been paying in small bills.”
I did see one, once ... it was several years ago, and I don't think it was a popular movie, and I think I only saw it once or twice ... or am I thinking of Ghosts of Mars? ... I'll try to get back to you ....
Er ... what's a wright? Did you mean a wight?
yes. yes I did.
Duskblade (Me): Oh great, another healthnut. "You shouldn't eat that it's bad for you!" What are you, my mother?! Apparently I should stop "drinking in the morning" too! And I really should stop smoking crack!
Bard: That's the fattest crackhead I've ever seen...
*Eats the cake and collapses to the floor*
Duskblade: Heal plz
Druid: -__-
Fred: :OMG! Lisa, do you see a purple cat sitting on the bar?
Lisa: *checks* Yeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaah.
Ha ha ha, this is infinitely funnier to me since my webcomic has a purple cat. :D
Anyway, in my group's Marvel Universe, the party has been asked by S.H.I.E.L.D. to investigate a front belonging to a major drug lord in Miami. Unfortunately this front is within a large two story mall so the party figures we'll wait until nightfall and break in then.
Harmony: "Okay, I went to City Hall and bought copies of the mall's floor plans. Here's the store we're looking at."
Katt: "I'll disable this power transformer afterI cut the phone lines-"
Angelica: "Oh, you're an electrician?"
Katt: "I am..."
Harmony: "Well to a lesser extent so am I."
Katt: "Yes, but I never said i'm using my electrical skill to disable the power."
(Katt puts a piece of what looks like white plastic explosive on the table)
Goro: "We're breaking in with Play-Doh?"
Katt: "It's a highly energetic explosive!"
Goro: "So am I with enough Thai food."
DerRock: "I can't take part in this."
Harmony: "Why not?"
DerRock: "I can't harm innocents. This is against my code."
Angelica: "We're only breaking in. We're not planning on hurting anyone."
DerRock: "Katt is bringing a sniper rifle. How does that figure into the 'not planning on hurting anyone' paradigm?"
Katt: "I promise not to kill more then everbody in the mall."
I did see one, once ... it was several years ago, and I don't think it was a popular movie, and I think I only saw it once or twice ... or am I thinking of Ghosts of Mars? ... I'll try to get back to you ....
Er ... what's a wright? Did you mean a wight?
I did see one, once ... it was several years ago, and I don't think it was a popular movie, and I think I only saw it once or twice ... or am I thinking of Ghosts of Mars? ... I'll try to get back to you ....
Er ... what's a wright? Did you mean a wight?
From wikipedia:
The word wright is an archaic English term for a craftsman or builder (e.g. a shipwright is a person who builds ships) and a British family name.
The dragonborn was getting its energy drained by a bunch of ravenous craftsmen
From wikipedia:
The word wright is an archaic English term for a craftsman or builder (e.g. a shipwright is a person who builds ships) and a British family name.
The dragonborn was getting its energy drained by a bunch of ravenous craftsmen
You can never trust the craftsmen specially not the right wight wrights. (cheese icon which I don't know how to use)
Power Word:Lactate!
All male party is stuck with a crying baby. On the other hand we are on ship which we have time and means on our hands (lab in bag of holding). Wizard researches 0 level spell.
Power Word:Lactate!
Could you point that finger at someone else, please.
And I don't care what you say, I'm not wearing a chainmail bikini!
MrJake
The Cast:
Melisandre - lvl 6 pipe-smoking female Duskblade.
Kevan - lvl 6 Monk. Has a tendency to make extremely poor attack rolls, and has therefore been next to useless in combat.
Garland - lvl 6 Rogue / Spellthief / Duskblade / Assassin and all-round scoundrel.
Theodor (me) - lvl 6 Favoured soul with a flaming claymore, cigars, and fire resistance.
Alexandor - lvl 6 astral ship-captain psyker thingy.
---
Alexandors player tends to have his characters killed. Last night was a very good example of why.
We were trapped in a crypt, and attacked by a bunch of undead ghoul-like creatures. They were able to both dominate and cause fear, and as we 4 4 NPC allies with us, the whole situation quickly became chaotic, especially as Theodor managed do drop a Blade Barrier in the middle of everything. If wounded sufficiently, the undead turned into a mist which drained hit points and constitution.
After taking quite a beating, we discovered that the mists only could do damage if wounded, that they heal themselves when doing damage, and that they were very slow. However, they only have to touch you to hurt you, so if you hit them in melee (they can be hurt by magical weapons), you run a risk of getting hurt yourself.
Alexendor is keeping the mists at bay, while Theodor and Garland treat some badly wounded comrades. He is keeping his ground, but the constitution loss is getting dangerous. However, everyone is now stabilized, and Theodor has enough ranged attack spells to blow the mists to kingdom come.
Theodor: "Alex, keep away from them, let me blast them."
Alexandor: "No, no. I got it under control."
Alexandor hits and kills a mist, but is wounded by the last one left in return, bringing him within one hit of death. The mist is now fully healed, and not able to do damage. It moves away from Alexandor.
Alexandor: "Attack of opportunity!"
Rest of party:
Luckily, he missed.
3.5 Favoured Souls are fun to play. Especially if armed with a claymore.
Sounds like Crimson Death Mists ... don't remember Con damage, but then again, I don't remember them very well at all. Nasty buggers, though.
Which book are they found in?
Suddenly out of the mist, a mysterious figure appears and says in a creepy raspy voice "Don't burn the dead!" Some people make knowledge checks and we find out he's a vampire necromancer. Before we can engage him, he disappears.
Cleric: The creepy vampire necromancer just told us not to burn the dead. All in favor of burning the dead?
Rest of the party: AYE!!!!!!!*enthusiastic hand-raising*
A brief history: The Earth came under an alien attack, the attackers were wiped out by a galactic police organization, and then a second alien race came in to keep our planet blockaded. So for fifty-odd years, the human race has been dwindling down to scavengers and two remaining human outposts.
Anyway, what happened during this game was that a party of three 'Ferals' (Scavenger humans, most of them born after the human race was virtually wiped out) who were out hunting for a bear that had been ravaging our village. We killed the two bears (We found a second one), and then discovered that our village had been attacked by a group of aliens seeking prisoners.
The party consisted of:
Maggard (Me): Tough Hero. Uses brass knuckles, but hopes to eventually use the claws off of one of the bears we killed as a weapon.
Robert: Strong Hero. Uses a greatsword. Kind of ended up being the meat shield of the group because he recklessly charged into combat.
Grey: Smart Hero. Uses homemade grenades and knowledge skills to support us. Also has some skills in treating injuries (Which has saved Robert more than once).
Well, the aliens who attacked our village had most of the people locked in a dropship ready to head back to the big battle ships orbiting the planet. There were about 20-30 of them still on the ground cleaning up. Now, these guys were all using guns that could screw us up (2d6 electric damage, plus some of them had grenades). Long story short, we were not meant to win this fight.
We went against the DM's wishes, knowing full well that we wouldn't come back to this campaign if all went well with our main campaign. So he gave us 2 surprise rounds because we came out of the trees stealthily, and they weren't expecting us at all.
Robert's turn was uninteresting; he just stabbed one in the back and looked to start towards another one. But Grey had a moment of awesome, and the DM's dice rolled horribly. Grey tossed one of his grenades towards the dropship, which was now in the air and had five aliens underneath it conversing with each other.
What happened? Grey's grenade landed in the center and killed 2 of them outright via the aliens' bad, bad massive damage threshold and fortitude saves. The third, which was carrying a pack of grenades, had them all go off and kill himself and the fourth. The aliens' grenades, which ignored hardness, blew straight into the floating dropship and caused it to fall to the ground, crushing the fifth. Grey's second turn was almost identical; he threw a grenade towards a group of four, and detonated all the grenades on one of the aliens.
For my turn, I shouted out "DY-NAMIC ENTRY!" and promptly failed a jump check to make a jumping attack towards one of the aliens. I barely passed a Tumble check to roll through the trip, and ended up between two of them. I made one attack and dropped the one on the right, and then the one on the left for the second surprise round.
Within two surprise rounds, we managed to drop 13 out of 20 aliens that were supposed to rip us a new one. Sure, a barrage of electric shots did manage to send Robert into unconsciousness, but over the course of a few rounds, Grey and I ended the threat. Luckily, our DM is very flexible, and on-the-spot thought up a new way for us to go on and begin the creation of a new human society on Eurasia.
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DM: Are you buying anything in preparation for the adventure?
V: Life insurance.
DM: 'K. Dimitry?
D: I took out heavy loans and spent the last week blowing them on strippers and booze. I'm planning on taking a dive, actually.
------------------------------------------------------------------
DM: You've hastily donned your equipment and reported to the Council meeting room, where several other weary-eyed members of the War council are hunched over steaming cups of coffee...
*ten minutes later*
...A lithe human woman with short blond hair and adventurer's leathers somersaults into the room and lands loudly and destructively on the table, wildly flourishing a silvered rapier as she-... You know, I think I may have overwrote this.
V+D: YA THINK.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
V: Why is the Cleric hung over? We're getting ready for an invasion here!
D: He's a Dwarf, he has two states: Binge and Bloodrage.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[PCs spot the enemy fleet, so Dimitry turns to his men to give them a rousing speech.]
D: *cough, cough* Friends, Goblins, Oakbrookians. The enemy outnumbers us a paltry 20 to 1, and has the aid of the ancient race of Green Dragons, which, as we all know, are the p***y Dragons. We shall fight them on the islands, we shall fight them on the continent, we shall fight them on the sea and flee from them quickly because they can sink our boats at over a mile. We shall stand together and win the day, because there is not a Human New Oakbrook, there is not a Goblin New Oakbrook, there is not a Warforged New Oakbrook, there is just a NEW New Oakbrook. And no matter your home or your station, we will fight and we will win because we are all citizens of what the H*** is this continent called again!
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Adult Green Dragon: Are you the half-breed human?
D: I'm actually not a Half-Breed, Dragonborn are their own proud and ancient race-
V: Don't argue semantics, he'll just breath-attack.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
[PCs are on a crashing airship who's flame ring is starting to destabilize.]
Airship Captain: It's times like this I wonder why I packed two and a half tons of explosive powders in the hold.
V: TWO AND A HALF TONS?!?!?
Captain: I know! It just seemed like such a good idea at the time...
D: Can we have one adventure that doesn't end with us doing a McGyver dive through a Teleportation Circle away from a fireball?
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Stay tuned for more adventures of Vanador and Dimitry as the fight against the Horde continues next week, hopefully with Audio!
Player 1: So whats kyle going to be? Do you know how he's going to know us for joining the party?
DM: Join the party? Oh, right, um yeah . . . no.
The assassin started by following the party cleric and his npc girlfriend to a restaurant. He then sneaked in the back, bribed the staff, and disguised himself as a waiter. He then poisoned their food.
DM: You begin to eat your meals. your girlfriend complains that shes not feeling well. Make a fort save. (he passes). Your stomach feels slightly upset, you assume something is wrong with your food.
Cleric: Honey are you ok?
DM: She passes out and slams her face into her plate.
Cleric: Waiter I'd like to make a complaint.
He actually ends up talking to the waiter and using his passed out gf as leverage for him to bring him something else, "anything but the fish".
(the players are staking out a cult leader's front)
GM: You see a middle-aged man in a grey suit walking out of the building. He looks like the photograph Dr. Armitage gave you.
Player 1: That's him! We need to kill him before he completes the ritual.
Player 2: Wait, if we kill him we'll never find out who the other guys are! The lead will go cold...
Player 3: True - but how are we going to question him? He can fry our brains with his psychic powers.
Player 4 (to the GM): I grab a book from the back seat and walk up to him. With the other hand, I'm holding my sawed-off shotgun behind my back.
GM: Uh, OK. He looks at you (rolls), but doesn't seem to notice the gun. What are you going to say to him?
Player 4: Excuse me, sir. I'm doing some market research for Phloxton Paper Co. Do you keep a diary?
NPC: Uh... yes, why?
Player 4: BANG! I shoot him in the face.
Player 4 (to the other players): There's your lead!
-------
Same campaign, years later.
The party is in Cairo, tracking yet another cult. This time, though, they fail to stop the cult's invocation ritual in time.
Player 1: Hmmmph. This isn't good.
Player 2: Maybe we should just go back to London and pretend it never happened?
Player 3: Crikey.
Player 4: Wait, do we still have the Big Black Box?
Player 3: Oh yeah, do we? (looks at GM)
GM: Yes, you still have it. You smuggled it in under the back seats of your 4x4, remember?
Player 3: Great. I begin disassembling the seats.
Player 5 (relatively new to the campaign): What's in the Big Black Box?
Player 4: Ah, well, you see... we were keeping a nuke for a special occasion...
Player 3: And blowing up a pyramid with a God inside is a special occasion!
Johan: "No wonder they call your god, what was it? 'Old Grumpy'? I would be grumpy if I had followers like you. Is it true Old Grumpy lost an eye? From the way your companions lit out for the forest I would have thought there were a two other bodily orbs their god must be missing."
DM: Dripping with blood, the orc steps back away from you. Raising his axe to the sky, he shouts something in Giant--the only thing you make out is the name "Grummsh." Howling, he brings his axe down, slicing through his own eye!
Johan: "Wow poke out your own eye, I would love to see you do that again. No seriously losing the second eye might get Grumpy to listen to you. It surly can not make your aim any worse than it is.
Same campaign, years later.
The party is in Cairo, tracking yet another cult. This time, though, they fail to stop the cult's invocation ritual in time.
Player 1: Hmmmph. This isn't good.
Player 2: Maybe we should just go back to London and pretend it never happened?
Player 3: Crikey.
Player 4: Wait, do we still have the Big Black Box?
Player 3: Oh yeah, do we? (looks at GM)
GM: Yes, you still have it. You smuggled it in under the back seats of your 4x4, remember?
Player 3: Great. I begin disassembling the seats.
Player 5 (relatively new to the campaign): What's in the Big Black Box?
Player 4: Ah, well, you see... we were keeping a nuke for a special occasion...
Player 3: And blowing up a pyramid with a God inside is a special occasion!
You win the page. It doesn't matter that there are only two posts, nothing can top this.
Aran Ky (Me): Half-Elf Rogue 5/Assassin 5/Spellthief 1 (been hit with Warptouch so much I look like a half-dragon, wings included)
Rose: Pixie Duskblade 9 (Also a Chosen of Mystra, but that's another issue)
Siaria: Human Mystic 9 (a ton of BoED feats and has the Celestial and Saint template, doubles as the party Diplomat thanks to her insanely high Diplomacy score)
Rami Rah: Elan Psion 11 (Currently looks a LOT like Kamina from TTGL)
DM: So, you go with Magus and spend a night on the town, drinking and having a generally good time.
Me: Remember, no sex; he's saving himself.
DM: I know. Roll me two Will saves.
Me: Ok...? *rolls*
DM: *Grinning* Oh this is good... Well, in the morning, you wake up and notice your on a couch. The next thing you see are two lumps on your chest.
Me: My chest? What're you- Oh you didn't!
DM: Your ears are more pointed and your hair now goes down to your shoulder blades. Congraduations, you now look like a female elf.
Me: You ass.
--------------------------------------
DM: Well, the red-haired girl sees you after exiting Siaria's room and looks you over. She begins to flirt with you, roll me a Will save.
Me: *rolls, fails*
DM: She successfully flirts with you and you've been seduced by her. She wants to take you back to her keep to have some "personal time."
Me: Sorry ma'am, you're very pretty but-
DM: "Hush, no talking. Just come with me."
Siaria (OOC): Isn't she a red dragon in human form?
Rose (OOC): Yeah...
Rami Rah (OOC): And do you know what a red dragon's favorite food is?
Siaria and Me (OOC): Virgin female elves.
Me: Son of a *****.
--------------------------------------
DM: Roll me a Will save.
Me: *rolls*
DM: Ok, you barely succeed. Congradulations, you don't have to roll up a new character.
Me: Wait, why would I have to roll up a new character?
DM: Because she tried to turn you into her concubine after you two had sex. Instead, she just sealed you into a large magic crystal that eats any magical energy you emit, and prevents you from being scryed for.
Me: And you call THAT the good ending!?
----------------------------
DM: Wait... You want to go BACK to that Desert of Chaos?
Siaria: Why not? It got us here, it might get us back to our time.
DM: Ok... *pulls out 10d100*
Siaria: S***, I forgot about this.
DM: *rolls a lot* Well... You wander in the desert for 6 years, Siaria grows 6 years younger, Rose grows 4 years older, lose a limb or two (which Siaria prompty regenerates) and reach a town in ruins. Roll me a Knowledge (History) check.
Siaria and Rose: *rolls, Siaria succeeds*
DM: You remember that that town you first arrived at after going back in time was just done erecting a bronze statue. You see it lying on the ground in ruins.
Siaria: Son of a *****!
Some more random adventures from my group:
Aran Ky (Me): Half-Elf Rogue 5/Assassin 5/Spellthief 1 (been hit with Warptouch so much I look like a half-dragon, wings included)
Rose: Pixie Duskblade 9 (Also a Chosen of Mystra, but that's another issue)
Siaria: Human Mystic 9 (a ton of BoED feats and has the Celestial and Saint template, doubles as the party Diplomat thanks to her insanely high Diplomacy score)
Rami Rah: Elan Psion 11 (Currently looks a LOT like Kamina from TTGL)
DM: So, you go with Magus and spend a night on the town, drinking and having a generally good time.
Me: Remember, no sex; he's saving himself.
DM: I know. Roll me two Will saves.
Me: Ok...? *rolls*
DM: *Grinning* Oh this is good... Well, in the morning, you wake up and notice your on a couch. The next thing you see are two lumps on your chest.
Me: My chest? What're you- Oh you didn't!
DM: Your ears are more pointed and your hair now goes down to your shoulder blades. Congraduations, you now look like a female elf.
Me: You ass.
--------------------------------------
DM: Well, the red-haired girl sees you after exiting Siaria's room and looks you over. She begins to flirt with you, roll me a Will save.
Me: *rolls, fails*
DM: She successfully flirts with you and you've been seduced by her. She wants to take you back to her keep to have some "personal time."
Me: Sorry ma'am, you're very pretty but-
DM: "Hush, no talking. Just come with me."
Siaria (OOC): Isn't she a red dragon in human form?
Rose (OOC): Yeah...
Rami Rah (OOC): And do you know what a red dragon's favorite food is?
Siaria and Me (OOC): Virgin female elves.
Me: Son of a *****.
--------------------------------------
DM: Roll me a Will save.
Me: *rolls*
DM: Ok, you barely succeed. Congradulations, you don't have to roll up a new character.
Me: Wait, why would I have to roll up a new character?
DM: Because she tried to turn you into her concubine after you two had sex. Instead, she just sealed you into a large magic crystal that eats any magical energy you emit, and prevents you from being scryed for.
Me: And you call THAT the good ending!?
----------------------------
DM: Wait... You want to go BACK to that Desert of Chaos?
Siaria: Why not? It got us here, it might get us back to our time.
DM: Ok... *pulls out 10d100*
Siaria: S***, I forgot about this.
DM: *rolls a lot* Well... You wander in the desert for 6 years, Siaria grows 6 years younger, Rose grows 4 years older, lose a limb or two (which Siaria prompty regenerates) and reach a town in ruins. Roll me a Knowledge (History) check.
Siaria and Rose: *rolls, Siaria succeeds*
DM: You remember that that town you first arrived at after going back in time was just done erecting a bronze statue. You see it lying on the ground in ruins.
Siaria: Son of a *****!
Jeez, controlling DM much? NEVER use diplomacy on the party. Let them make up their own minds.
Our party had just got done fending off some orcs who had attacked us while exploring the upperdark we are in a magically created tropical atmosphere. They kidnapped one of our party members who happened to be Aireannas half-Brother and the only family she has left. The Palidan, blade bravo, cleric and newly befrended orc (who is a elder of this attacking tribe) go up to the city, the rest of the party hid in the woods, only to be told they couldnt enter with any weapons or armor. and that the elf was to be a sacrifice. the orcs were polite but unwelcoming, the palidan spotted the kidnapped elf ranger in a cage in the town, visible from the door. they went bavk to the party to leave their gear and let the know what was going on.
Aireanna- Im going back with you.
Palidan- No you arent.
Aireanna- Thats my brother theyre going to sacrifice, you dont expect me to just sit here and wait! (yelling now) ect ect ect (keeps yelling)
Palidan- I am so sick of putting up with youre attitude Aireanna! Ive let you get away with far too much! You are not a good person!
DM- (to the orc pc who stayed at the gate waiting) Listen check please.
Palidan pc- crap, would i have realized that screaming would be a bad idea.
DM- Int check
Palidan pc makes it
Palidan nods to cleric who casts silence on the scorceress and grins widely
Scorceress PC- NOT FAIR! ugh....i stick out my tounge stop my foot and make a throught dlicing motion to the palidan and walk away. stupid cleric cohorts.
The three characters meet, and Kain is under orders to escort the other two to a location. Vidarian gets into Kain's stagecoach, and Kain insists Lady Dumont ride inside as well.
Dumont: "I shall ride on my horse, thank you very much."
Kain: "For the last time, Lady, I must escort you back personally."
Dumont: "Oh I will ride right next to you, Kain, don't worry."
Kain: "Very well, then... I... I will just transport your luggage then."
Vidarian (still sitting in the stagecoach): "...hey!"
-------------------------------------------------
Vidarian and Kain eventually butt heads and Vidarian brutally murders Kain in the forest, after partying with him and thee other members in the forest for weeks. After a few more days, the group approaches a small village.
Villager (happily): "My, your clothing is strange -- covered in odd stains and apparently ripped in a most odd fashion. And your equipment... Are you the traveling circus?"
Vidarian (smirking): "Not since our clown died, madam."
Kain's Player, OOC: "Touche, Luggage Boy."
-------------------------------
A separate campaign involved an instance where one of the players, playing a little drunk, accidentally called another player "Sexy," in front of his wife. Since his character was a king, we never let him forget it, especially when his king would berate his subordinates..
King: "And furthermore, with all the training you've had, I don't understand how you can allow such failures in your group!"
Rose: "I apologize--"
King: "I fund you personally, and equip you with the best gear in the land, and still these atrocities continue unhindered, and you have absolutely no useful intelligence on it!"
Rose: "Your Majesty, I--"
King: "I swear by all that is Holy that if all the gold in the world can't pay my own advisors to achieve the simplest of tasks, I will lock you all in the dungeons and head out MYSELF and do the job MYSELF. What do you think of that, eh?!"
Rose: "...Sexy."
King, OOC: " $#@! "
(We pretty much had to stop there for the night, we couldn't stop laughing.)
------------------------------------
Warning: Next one's a bit long
Orc Barbarian: "Lessee... enemies approaching, party unconscious, giant pit trap blocking escape... me bleeding badly..."
DM: "Ten seconds, what are you going to do?"
Orc Barbarian: "AHA!" I get my 10' pole, and pole vault across the pit trap with my incredible strength!
DM: The dungeon ceiling is only 7 feet tall.
Orc Barbarian: So I make the pole a little shorter. It IS collapseable.
DM: No you don't understand, there's not enough--
Orc Barbarian: I rolled a natural 20 on my jump check, so I think I pretty much made it.
DM: ...with a primal roar, you launch yourself in a fearsome show of power, slamming your head against the low ceiling with a sickening crack. Your body falls back to the ground, where you land unconscious, impaled upon the spikes in the pit trap. Judging by the bloody depression in your head, the rest of the players will never be able to figure out whether it was your spectacularly powerful impact with the ceiling, or the large spike protruding from your chest."
Players:
Orc Barbarian, OOC: Ok, well, to be fair, my character didn't have much of a brain so I don't think the head blow would have knocked him out. Can I roll a reflex save to dodge the spikes at the bottom of the pit?
DM: "...I revise my statement. In the final throws of death, you still somehow remain conscious, as your puny brain continues to process the sheer amounts of pain you have experienced. Though your vision is fogged, your final moments are spent staring upwards at the ceiling, where you crashed your skull just seconds ago. As you draw your last, ragged breath, a ceiling brick, dislodged, falls from the ceiling, landing directly on your body. Your official cause of death is blunt force trauma due to a five-ton granite brick flattening your mangled body at the bottom of a spike pit."
Players:
Orc Barbarian, OOC: Harsh, dude. But the other players were unconscious down there, too. Why weren't THEY crushed?
DM: THEY don't backtalk the DM. Now please for the love of God, stop rolling stereotypically stupid, meathead barbarians!
"BOW BEFORE MERRIC!"
The hill giant, wailing in terror, submits to the demands of the miniscule foe and crawls to his feet, begging for mercy. It was awesome. Ultimately, they let the hill giant live, but make him strip naked and promise to attack no more travelers.
Orc at gate: Halt! No outsiders can come into the camp!
PC Orc: It is alright, they are simply coming to meet with the chief! They have weapons for him for trade!
*The Human and Gnome nod vigorously.
DM (me): Um, that would be a bluff check.
PC Orc: *rolls* Um, I got a 16.
DM (me): The orc at the gate seems to be buying it.
PC Orc: (In Character) Sweet, you look like you're believing me!
Orc at gate: Um, What did you say?
PC Orc: Nevermind! In we go!
*The three of them walk into the camp*
Player 1: First off, we have to defeat the horde of demons bent on devouring the world.
Player 2: Oh, and we have to bring back the slain goddess of nature.
Player 3: And we still have to re-ignite the sun.
Player 4: Ummm....is anyone else concerned that re-igniting the sun is THIRD on our list?!?!?
Jeez, controlling DM much? NEVER use diplomacy on the party. Let them make up their own minds.
Glad I wasn't the only one thinking that.
Glad I wasn't the only one thinking that.
Trust me, this isn't the first time he's done something like this. Look through this thread for some more of my posts. I've got more complains about this DM too (party was underwealthed until just last session, thanks to our crafter PC - a new arrival - getting in-game 6 months to make stuff for some higher level NPCs and some large guilds is one example).
In a way though, it sorta balances out: the Duskblade being able to cast a 9th level spell at-will 3/day at level 10, the Mystic with an AC of 56 and a Diplomacy modifier of +51, the Psion who is a lord and is on his way to getting divine rank 0, said crafter being able to cast up to 5th level anyspell at-will, and me getting hit with so much Warptouch it turned my Death Attack DC to 26 without any other bonuses, gave me 30' fly speed and 60' Darkvision.
Which book are they found in?
The only place I remember seeing them was the 2E Monstrous Manual.
Guards: Wha?
Orlan: Wha?
Paik: That man is an impostor! I've been imprisoned for a week now!
Guards: Wha?
Orlan: Okay, Mr. Orlan, what's his name? (points to a random guard)
Paik: ...Sparky.
In hindsight, the party has realized that this was not one of their better plans.
Paik should have remembered that he's a doppleganger and that he can read minds.
We're playing 4.0- no mindreading anymore.
Now, note that this isn't a funny quote, but rather just a quote so "in character" that I couldn't bear not to post it.
The setting...
is Warhammer 40.000 and the two players are members of the Inquisition.
The situation
The players have successfully infiltrated an enemy camp and the Tech Priest covertly reprogrammed the base cogitators (computers) to act as though an army of rag-tag ships were descending on the planet.
The heretics bolted and one of the characters - a real meatshield - didn't know that it was fake. So she ran with the heretics to the only ship avaliable.
Meanwhile, the Tech Priest "volunteered" to hold the enemy ships off as long as he could with the Ground-to-Air defence system.
As the situation they'd gotten themselves into dawned on them, they realized that the group would be split. The only thing the Tech Priest knew about the heretic's destination was that it was a Hive planet
Deciding that the off-chance that he be able to track them and bring down the whole operation didn't justify letting the heretics escape. He aimed the anti-air gun and fired...
Meanwhile the other player she had realized, that her chances of continued survival were quite slim and decided to follow up on her old promise... to go out fighting. Drawing a shattered blade (her very first weapon) she promptly cut down several of the heretics (including their pilot)...
Then the ship exploded.
The Tech Priest said that as his character saw the explosion in the sky, he'd make the sign of the Aquila (similar to making a salute) and said, regretfully: "For the Emperor..."
Gods, I love my group.
***
In a Forgotten Realms campaign, our group had to deliver a letter to a "far-away place" (two days travel, actually), which was essential for the villages' survival.
However, due to wizardly intervention we're now in Undermountain, forced to earn enough cash to afford a teleportation back home.
Our reasoning for ruthlessly looting everything and hoarding as much gold as we can:
Someone: "The lives of 74 people depend on our success!"
Someone else: "75. Ms. Olsen just had her daughter before we left."
Someone: "Really? Well then, that's all the more reason for it."
It's practically word-for-word (well, we're danes, so it's been translated) of what we say. Every. Single. Time.
***
Old Savage Worlds campaign.
Setting: Pseudo-historical setting set around the industrialization of Europe.
Some of the returning themes were Karlo Marx from France, who had written Le Capital.
We also had a nice conversation with Heinrich Speer.
And of course there were our maps, made tongue-in-cheek, naming the Middle East as "Jihadistan," the Orient as "rice-eater country" and Africa as "[N-word]-country"
Note, that we aren't racists. It was just fun to take on the roles of capitalist, racist b@$t@rd$ for a change.
My character (I'm politically ambivalent) and one who played a humble, loving priest (in real life he believes that fascism and dictatorship are the ideal forms of government, except they haven't yet been properly implemented) were the most "humane" characters, actually donating money and/or effort to the poor.
So first off, building my Ninja Pirate. I decided, because we didn't have the Complete Warrior for the Swashbuckler class, to go with Ninja for the awesome irony of it. My friend's comment:
"That's going to cause you some trouble with skill points..."
Me: "I DON'T CARE!"
After a lengthy character creation process for all of us, we began the campaign on a random ship having no knowledge of how we got there (We got drunk the night previously, and I woke up holding the deed to the ship that was covered in blood, beer, and chocolate stains).
So, the first thing we discovered was another ship heading towards our position, using signal flags to tell us that we were suspected pirates and they needed to thoroughly investigate. Well...we were pirates, so naturally, we decided to attack.
First few turns, we made our movements until a natural 20 let us pull up right alongside their ship. Thus, combat began with twelve enemy soldiers from the opposing ship leaping across the gap to attack us. One of them didn't make it, and somebody's going to clean up that blood stain later (Not me).
Well, I had a moment of awesome from that battle; while I didn't get quite as many net kills (Mainly because my partners use AOE magic...), I did do this. I was at the helm of the ship, and there were four enemies left along with one injured one. My move?
Leap Attack, describing my movement as doing a backflip off the railing of the helm, launching myself 15 feet backwards to land behind an enemy, and stab him with my rapier. My roll? Natural 20, with 12 ranks in Jump on top of 5 Dexterity, +4 from Great Leap (Ninja feature) and +2 from my Ninja competence. (Or whatever the feature is called; it gives me +2 to a few different skills). The result was 41. The DC to backflip like that was 40.
Upon doing this, I stabbed the enemy, killed him, and looked towards the enemy vessel. I yelled towards the enemy captain, "You picked the wrong ship to attack, ya bastard!" in my character's accent, and managed to get one of the enemy's female slaves ready to glomp me.
I know the classes don't match up the best (Or at all), and none of my abilities have any real synergy. But my thought? I'm going to be a pirate who can literally jump a 30 foot gap between two ships without needing to run. And I can do this while doing a Power Attack within the jump. Too awesome of a concept to pass up.
So first off, building my Ninja Pirate.
A Ninja Pirate?!?! I dare say you're your own worst enemy!
DMing a Savage Worlds campaign, at the moment.
Now, note that this isn't a funny quote, but rather just a quote so "in character" that I couldn't bear not to post it.
The setting...
is Warhammer 40.000 and the two players are members of the Inquisition.
The situation
The players have successfully infiltrated an enemy camp and the Tech Priest covertly reprogrammed the base cogitators (computers) to act as though an army of rag-tag ships were descending on the planet.
The heretics bolted and one of the characters - a real meatshield - didn't know that it was fake. So she ran with the heretics to the only ship avaliable.
Meanwhile, the Tech Priest "volunteered" to hold the enemy ships off as long as he could with the Ground-to-Air defence system.
As the situation they'd gotten themselves into dawned on them, they realized that the group would be split. The only thing the Tech Priest knew about the heretic's destination was that it was a Hive planet
Deciding that the off-chance that he be able to track them and bring down the whole operation didn't justify letting the heretics escape. He aimed the anti-air gun and fired...
Meanwhile the other player she had realized, that her chances of continued survival were quite slim and decided to follow up on her old promise... to go out fighting. Drawing a shattered blade (her very first weapon) she promptly cut down several of the heretics (including their pilot)...
Then the ship exploded.
The Tech Priest said that as his character saw the explosion in the sky, he'd make the sign of the Aquila (similar to making a salute) and said, regretfully: "For the Emperor..."
Gods, I love my group.
***
I can see why. That is awesome.
Corporal Hanaar - Me: Arcanotech/Sorceror. On foot (this will be important in a moment)
Captains Cheng and Naranbaatar: Tank commanders.
Lieutenant Faizu: Most epic tank mook ever.
Sargeant Olav: Mecha pilot.
Assorted others.
So anyways the situation is this. We (Myself and the infantry) are pinned in the center of this village, while a parapsychic teleports around moving in Ghasts to shoot at us. I get on the horn to the armour about some support, but they're **** around to try and get a simultaneous strike.
The ground starts rumbling.
Hanaar: "*******it, can we get some support- something [expletive] big is coming in"
Cheng: "[Expletive] alright, just shoot the [expletive]"
Olav: "Roger"
Naranbaatar: "Engaging"
Hanaar: "Not [expletive] soon enough-[EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE]"
GM: "Behind you the ground erupts under half the squad and a huge worm thing's maw gapes widely. Four men are devoured in an instant.
Hanaar: "ALWAYS WITH THE [EXPLETIVE] WORM THINGS!"
Kuge (Mecha pilot): "Oh ****! Sandworm!"
GM: Alright, everyone roll Tenacity Feat.
----------------------------------------
Pretty much everyone fails their tenacity feat rolls.
GM: "Kaede, the sight of this monstrous worm shocks you. You stare at it and twitch in fozen fear"
GM: "Olav also freezes in much the same way, shocked and frozen"
Olav has horrible flashbacks to that one botched mission
GM: "In fact the effect on Olav is so great he gains an insanity point"
Kuge(Mecha Pilot): "Warrent? Warrent? Are you ok?!"
Naranbaatar clicks his radio, his voice calm and professional. "All Tango units, engage enemy Bhole."
Naranbaatar targets to engage as well!
GM: Naranbaatar, you stare at the huge worm in morbid fascination. Such a strange and wonderful creature
Naranbaatar: Oh come on. A 19 fails?
Hanaar: "Oh you've got to be [expletive] kidding me!"
GM: Hanaar, d3
Hanaar rolls, passes.
GM: Alright, you can act this round
Hanaar: But I'm on foot
GM: So?
Hanaar: I'm on [expletive] foot! EVERYONE ELSE IS IN A [EXPLETIVE] MECHA, AND I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ACT.
GM: Faizu and Naranbaatar can act too- what do you do?
Hanaar: Oh fine- where's the psychic
GM: He's in that building off to your left.
Hanaar: what's the status of the rest of my squad
GM: *rolls* drooling and gibbering.
Hanaar: *Sigh* Alright. I take out my M15, and CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGE!
Cheng: (Why do I get the feeling we'll be owing Kerrus a round of drinks after this is over?)
GM: *Smiles grimly*
-------------------------
Anyways, so I bust into the building, and the psychic spots me.
GM: Alright, do you have any antimagic?
Hanaar: Didn't see any in the book- isn't Ward against Sorcery personal level?
GM: Nope- if he's in fifty feet of you, his stuff don't work
Cheng: (KERRUS YOU [EXPLETIVE] YOU [EXPLETIVE] TAKE HIS [EXPLETIVE] [EXPLETIVE] DOWN, YOU HEAR ME?)
GM: Alright, so he tries to teleport out, and stares dumbly when it fails. Roll attack
Hanaar: *Rolls, adds appropriate bonuses*
GM: Alright, you empty your clip into his head and he slumps in a spray of blood. Bereft of his mental control, the giant worm retreats underground, though the ground is still rumbling.
Hanaar: YES! [EXPLETIVE] YES!
Rest-of-party: ... he's on foot! what the [expletive]?
------------------
Later Olav broke formation to try some rescue stunt, and the worm came back and ate him.
Later Olav broke formation to try some rescue stunt, and the worm came back and ate him.
This.
Ex-ce-llent footnote :D
I play an elf ranger (used to be wood-elf, but died and got resurrected as a normal elf), another one of the players is the typical "I am great and awesome and I am always right" type person, throwing money at everything from meals to equipment etc. I think he plays a bard, or if not he is trying his hardest to be one.
Well, basically, at first we didn't care much for each other but during the campaign a sort of grudging respect has emerged between us. He saved my life once, I caught a sturgeon with a couple of weeks worth of caviar inside, you know how it goes. We still bicker a lot though.
Now, at one point we spot a halfling being held by some... I forgot their names, giant soldier ant-like creatures. We already fought some of them, and the bard had been power attacking the whole time. He did so when we attacked the camp as well. He missed every single time. Spectacularly. When the camp is cleared out (I managed to cast an entangle which held most of the ants in their tents for a while) he walks towards the halfling, frees him, and doe his usual "You are safe now, the great magnificent I saved you" and so on and so forth.
I walk towards him and say "That is great and all, but could you actually manage to hit something next time?" (Or something along those lines)
He spend the rest of the session sulking in his tent. Now, to be honest, to me it seemed the logical thing to say in the situation. But everyone else thought it was hilarious and the DM even gave me bonus xp for it.
Not that I'm complaining :DLocation: At a camp site in the woods.
Young Kid (10ish): Look at me, I climbed up this tree!
Us: What are you doing? That tree branch won't hold you.
YK: No, I'm safe. I'm a good climber!
Us: That's not the point! The branch is the size of a broom handle. It can't hold your weight.
YG: No, really guys! Don't Worry! I'm a good climber!
*branch snaps, he falls about 5 feet straight on his butt*
Us:
(DnD plug: he rolled a 1 on his climb check!)
----
One-shot Evil campaign a year or two ago:
Hunting for some kind of magical Macguffin, which we discover is inside this super-holy cathedral place.
Being the only non-evil one in the group (I'm not evil, I'm just apathetic!), I decide to do the talking. I mean, the other members are a blackguard, a necromancer, and some kind of bloodthirsty halfling killing machine who's one of Chuck Norris's ancestors. Yeah, I'll do the talking, guys.
*knock knock*
A towering angel opens the front door. "What do you want?"
"Hi, we're here as members of the Macguffin Protection Committee, we make semi-regular rounds to make sure that Macguffins around the world are safe and aren't being replaced by fakes. You'd be surprised how often that happens."
The angel looks skeptical and says nothing. He looks at my companions, with his eyes glowing with obvious Detect-Evil-Vision.. yeah, those guys are gonna be just OOZING with horrible evil auras. Think fast!
"They're my lawyers."
"They're my lawyers."
Nice! :D
This one didn't get much of a laugh due to other players being so annoyed with the one who said it, but I had a quiet DM-chuckle at it afterwards.
Situation - first level party stomping through the woods at night. They accidentally bump into a few gnolls. Everyone declares their actions and when it gets to the wizard's turn, he announces he's leaping on his horse and galloping back to the village they set out from that morning. As he disappears into the night, the other players demand that he stay and fight with them, he replies back: "I have Int 18!"
As a footnote to that, we didn't actually manage to get him out of the starting village for the rest of the game. He was of the opinion that if woods with monsters in them were too dangerous before, they were certainly worse now that he was on his own.
DM: They're talking with their commander right now. he looks none too happy
Me: I jump out and brandish all six of my guns, screaming, "Bow before the might of the empire!"
DM: you hear one of them scream, and another goes, "Oh ****! It's the octo-gunner!"
=========================================================
well, that character didn't last much longer, as the enemy leader got in a lucky shot to the face. with a boltgun. which explode after they hit target. and so, I was rolling up a new character, and came to the imperial divination, which gives particulars about your characters ability. normally it's just something like "+3 on ballistic" or "+2 strength" but, when I rolled I got "Begin the game with one minor mutation" and so I rolled again on the minor mutation chart to see what I got. Roll again on major mutation chart
. I did, and rolled hellspawn, the rarest and most awesomely powerful mutation there is.DM: alright, so what's your character like
Me: :D
DM: uh oh.
DM: They're talking with their commander right now. he looks none too happy
Me: I jump out and brandish all six of my guns, screaming, "Bow before the might of the empire!"
DM: you hear one of them scream, and another goes, "Oh ****! It's the octo-gunner!".
Because "hexagunner" sounds stupid, right? Nice name, anyways.
hellspawn, the rarest and most awesomely powerful mutation there is.
DM: alright, so what's your character like
Me: :D
DM: uh oh.
... A little explanation would be nice. Never played 40,000 before. SOUNDS bad, though.
Because "hexagunner" sounds stupid, right? Nice name, anyways.
When you're up against something that wields more guns than it has limbs, it's kind of difficult to tell how many they're using. And it doesn't matter, because you're still totally dead.
When you're up against something that wields more guns than it has limbs, it's kind of difficult to tell how many they're using. And it doesn't matter, because you're still totally dead.
Don't get me wrong; I loved the name. It's just that I can picture a smart-ass in the group of soldiers going "Well, technically he's not an OCTOgunner because octopods have 8 tentacles, whereas this man only has 6. Now, a squid-"
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
The remaining soldiers cheer, encounter over.
"They're my lawyers."
There's a good one.
That reminds me of the only time I joined in on a Star Wars RP game though. We were on the side of the Empire, and the only guy who could *possibly* be counted as actually good, was the guy who was pretty much our lawyer.
I did have some crazy semi-tactical plans during that time, though, and we were having a hellish lot of fun:
I recall only two of the names, being my own character's (Pylon A'traps) and the guy whose bodyguard I was (Cody Denada), who was a general of the Empire. (I pretty much had to stick around him due to the bodyguard business, but that got me into the thick of the action the most, still. He was a nut.) The two other PCs were Cody's advisor and a colonel specializing in certain operations.
We had landed on a well-guarded planet in the hands of the Rebellion, and Pylon and Cody had just disposed of an enemy squadron of troopers, keeping only the lieutenant alive and taking him prisoner.
Colonel: "General, I think it would be a good idea to infiltrate the enemy base and sabotage their defenses."
General Denada: "That sounds like a plan. You might want to pick out some armour from the guys we just killed. Try picking one with not too many holes, though, else they'll start asking questions about why you're not bleeding."
Pylon: "Or you could just take the armor of the lieutenant we just captured.
*A silence falls.*
General Denada: "Genius..."
So the Colonel infiltrates the enemy base, a fortified city with strong walls and an ion cannon guarding the main gate. The walls are also surrounded by trenches with troops in them and several turrets. The Colonel contacts us and says that he will plant some thermal detonators to go off in several minutes. Due to some trouble, he runs into an enemy Jedi after setting off the first one, so we decide to go in. The General orders the troops to move forward, so he, me, the Lawyer and several crew members man a Juggernaut tank and we go forth. We manage to destroy a turret, but the Juggernaut gets damaged, so we can't go much further. We exit the Juggernaut and jump into a trench for a quick discussion on our plans.
General Denada: "Okay, I think we're in a bit of trouble here."
Lawyer: "I think that that was obvious."
General Denada: "I say that we can still take them, but it will take a lot. They got some pretty heavy firepower up there, and a lot of men."
Whilst they are discussing what to do, I ask the GM on what the area looks like exactly, the distances between the turrets and trenches, the wall and the ion cannon, and what we know about the firepower of the enemy, the ion cannon in particular. He explains it all to me and I turn to the other two. (Mind you, the Colonel is still battling the enemy Jedi.)
Pylon: "Alright, General Denada, excuse me for butting in, but I have an idea. I'm pretty handy in the Force myself like you are, so I think we can pull this off. I am going to climb on top of the Juggernaut and you and the men get inside it, and you are going to use the Force to throw it as close to the ion cannon as you can, preferably having it land on a squadron of enemy soldiers, and you will order the men to start firing immediately upon landing to cause as much damage and chaos amongst the enemy troops as possible. In the meantime, I shall tap into the power of the Force and try to move the ion cannon's aim away from us so that it shall pose no threat to us. *I turn to the GM* Also, as I do that, I will attempt to have the ion cannon fire straight at the gate and the city behind it."
*A silence falls.*
General Denada: "That's genius! Alright, let's go with that."
GM: "You guys are nuts!"
General Denada: "We sure have nuts!"
Pylon: "We sure have nuts."
It pretty much became a downright victory for us in the end, though the General nearly died twice in a fight with some uber-Jedi afterwards. Gratuitous use of Force Lightning from my side prevented that, luckily, and I ended up going from nearly full Light Side to nearly full Dark Side (going from 1 to 10 on the Dark Side scale in just that fight). I also managed to take a few enemy servants hostage, amongst them two maids and an engineer. They served us well.
well, that character didn't last much longer, as the enemy leader got in a lucky shot to the face. with a boltgun. which explode after they hit target. and so, I was rolling up a new character, and came to the imperial divination, which gives particulars about your characters ability. normally it's just something like "+3 on ballistic" or "+2 strength" but, when I rolled I got "Begin the game with one minor mutation" and so I rolled again on the minor mutation chart to see what I got. Roll again on major mutation chart
DM: alright, so what's your character like
Me: :D
DM: uh oh.
Just looked it up... that is nasty.
(and a good reason not to play Dark Heresy, too much randomness in character generation in regards to game balance).
What he gets is:
From Beyond - Immune to Fear, Pinning, Insanity points and Psychic powers that would cloud, control or delude him.
Frightening - Similar to Frightful presence, except insanity follows a failed save.
Daemonic - Doubles their toughness bonus (similar to Damage Reduction in D&D), except if its caused by a few ridiculously rare sources.
Psy Rating 2 - that's 400XP worth of skills (approx. 2 sessions) that you just got for free.
The probability of getting it is:
1% have the "Mutation without, corruption within" divination
1% of those roll on the Major Mutation table.
1% of those roll Hellspawn.
For a probability of 0,0001%
Worst part?
By the rules you look like everyone else. So barring the GM stating that auspexes pick this up, you're effectively just... broken... in every way.
"My character has 20 strength!"
"My character has 19 dex, and gets +11 to hide! You could never find me!"
"My character has 9 perception!"
"My character has a longbow and could hit you from across the map!"
"My character has 17 constitution, and wouldn't take much damage!"
"My character can hit you all at once with magic!"
"My character would dodge!"
"My character can run faster than you, and you would never catch him!"
"I'm the DM!"
... A little explanation would be nice. Never played 40,000 before. SOUNDS bad, though.
Yeah. it was bad. and the DM allowed it. But, at least the other characters were further along in advancement than he was, and we made it so he looked Daemonic (that is the proper spelling, by the way!) so at least he was slightly on par with everybody else
Don't get me wrong; I loved the name. It's just that I can picture a smart-ass in the group of soldiers going "Well, technically he's not an OCTOgunner because octopods have 8 tentacles, whereas this man only has 6. Now, a squid-"
BLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAMBLAM
The remaining soldiers cheer, encounter over.
that would have been awesome!
One however struck me as something that must be shared.
One of the players wanted to retire his angry (Re: Nigh on psychotic) Dwarven fighter who was no longer able to function in polite society. He had a second character all set up to be introduced, just waiting for the right moment.
A character who was one of the denizens of hell and was being sent through to keep an eye on the party and make sure they fulfilled a bargain made (Long story there. He's also one of the more normal characters too)
During a rather cinematic and exiting battle versing a nasty vampire from Open grave, The dwarf had hit bloodied. And promptly got targeted by the vampires domination (He was waiting for just such a moment. Luck happened it be the dwarf).
The vampire, on his last leg and nearly dead, does his uber daily move. He snaps his fingers, the dwarf explodes in a horrific burst of necrotic gore and gibs.
Our party is obviously rather stunned by this event. And stare slack jawed at the freakish half metal skeleton corpse which is all that's left.
In hell the Teifling (Dwarf new character) finds himself pushed rather quickly into the gate that just opened up.
Que back to us, as we see this Teifling suddenly claw his way OUT of the remainder of the party members body turned impromptu Corpse Gate.
Dusts himself off and faces us.
Party member:..You seem trustworthy. Would you care to join us in our noble quest?
Teifling: Why yes, yes i would.
Our party was looking for disciples of the church- we found one in a big compound apartment full of rich people. Meanwhile the ranger went off to loot a rich person house- and broke the hide from undead.
Zombies start piling into the house, four every round.
First round:
4 Zombies
"Hey, Mongoose" (the ranger) "What are you going to do?"
"I'm gonna loot the cool looking weapons."
Second Round:
8 Zombies
*Said sarcastically* "Hey, more zombies, I think you should look for more loot"
"That's a great idea, I'm going to loot."
Third Round:
12 Zombies
"Hey, I was being sarcastic, maybe you should run away now"
"Nah, I'm going to loot"
Fourth Round:
16 Zombies
"The zombies are going to eat your animal companion"
"Eh, he can take care of himself for one round, I'm going to loot"
Fifth Round:
20 Zombies
"Mongoose!"
"Uhoh... maybe I should run."
"Gee, ya think?"
______________________________
Anyways, meanwhile I and the Cleric (I'm the monk) are sitting up on top of the roof of the rich people building, steeping tea and having a rich people connection building party. We're trading bets, putting booze in the tea, and generally having a good time. The CG Cleric and I are having a philosophical discussion on whether it's worth making the effort to go rescue the ranger, or if he'll be okay, and the general state of things.
Meanwhile, the paladin and the Sorceress went off to save him, found some... interesting stuff. Our DM has decided that, hey, we're all adults, lets make the campaign a little more rated. The Ranger was going through a wardrobe and found the ownder's secret box of medieval S&M implements. And his secret S&M Dungeon.
Anyways, they found some cool stuff, and the Cleric and I talked with rich people. He got some cool gnomish gadgets- an autoloading crossbow and an auto-sizing suit of full plate from them, and I met an old monk who, after sparring with for a bit (and the DM insisting I come up with kookily named martial arts maneuvers) the DM gave me a free combat feat. Spring attack, ZING!
I also got a masterwork Siangham, and 10x masterwork Shuriken. Lots of fun there.
Meanwhile the Paladin got enveloped by a gelatinous cube, got rescued, and found a storehouse with food we could take to the villagers (the town being overrun with zombies, food is scarce)
Anyways, we loaded up, took the food to the people who needed it, booked it to the barracks to find another disciple, and rescued him.
And to quote our DM- the disciples being of Pelor.
DM: "What you have to remember, is that Pelor's light shines on everyone."
This new disciple being outrageously and flamboyantly gay. And kept trying to proposition our party cleric. And the sorceress. And anything with a discernable anatomy.
Anyways, the encounter ended with a cliffhanger- with an electrically enchanted intelligent skeleton charging at us to engage in combat.
We didn't get XP because the DM didn't want us to level up right before a major boss fight, but next week's session will be fantabulous.
We also totally left the gay disciple at the church.
The best part of the session just had to be my and the cleric's antics- the tea and booze partay, and discussing philosophy, and making up large and complicated terms that don't really mean anything.
Utarro (other tank) challenges the spirit inhabiting the sword to a duel, and ends up fighting himself (the shapeshifted spirit). Utarro totally owns the spirit, and when he pops back to reality, the following occurs.
Utarro (picking up the sword and pointing at my character): "You see this guy?"
Ukor (spirit inhabiting the sword): "Yes."
Utarro: "You're his b***h, now."
Another time, the DM and I were waiting for the other players to arrive, when the following exchange occured.
Me: "You know how Ana has been gathering those cultists?" (Ana is one of the other PC's, a semi-homicidal priestess whose player plays her mainly for comedic effect.)
Reg (DM): "Yeeessss."
Me: "I think I finally figured out a use for them." (Our characters have been actively trying to discourage Ana from this cult-gathering activity, as it just screamed future problems for the party.)
Reg: "Really?"
Me: "Two words. Trap detectors."
Reg:
Carric, semi-psychotic elf ranger (me)
Scenario: A bunch of zombie rotters provoked AoOs from me trying to get into position to attack me. I'd recently been given a new set of dice, and my new d20 almost never rolled under a 10 throughout the session. I cut down each one. For the line:
Me: (OOC) I break into song: (IC) I, am, Blender-man, Shredding everything that I think I can!
DM:
That settles it. You guys are never fighting mindless foes again.Me: Just wait till I get HBO. :D
Niiice.
Here's one that got the DM to nearly fall out of his chair laughing. It may not be that funny, but I'm not much of a roleplayer, so the sudden IC remarks I made tonight kept catching him by surprise.
We were playing a level 0 (childhood) flashback adventure to waste time, since the regular DM was gone.
(linkage for any who care to read it. We had lots of fun, and all of it was silly: http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=1147387)
I get stopped by a village guard, who wants to know why I'm covered in blood and limping.
I sat there for a second, then promptly put on a huge grin:
"I killed a skeeter that was THIIIIIIIIIS BIG!" and held my hands as far apart as I could. :D
The cast:
Carric, semi-psychotic elf ranger (me)
Scenario: A bunch of zombie rotters provoked AoOs from me trying to get into position to attack me. I'd recently been given a new set of dice, and my new d20 almost never rolled under a 10 throughout the session. I cut down each one. For the line:
Me: (OOC) I break into song: (IC) I, am, Blender-man, Shredding everything that I think I can!
DM:
Me: Just wait till I get HBO. :D
That's pretty good, even if it doesn't quite fit the tune of "Iron Man".
The phrase "I'm about to do something brilliant" has become infamous in my group - where "brilliant" is assumed to mean "so idiotic that it might catch the enemy off-guard."
That was the one from Dash Branagan, right? I remember reading that one in the old thread.
If not, there was a person modeled after Zap Branagan from Futurama who did that exactly.
That was the one from Dash Branagan, right? I remember reading that one in the old thread.
If not, there was a person modeled after Zap Branagan from Futurama who did that exactly.
Looks like one of my players beat me to the punch... hehe. :D
Asher, whispering: "Hey, Link."
Link ignores him.
Asher, whispering: "Link..."
Link: "Sh!"
Asher: "Link..."
Link: "Kinda busy, Asher."
Asher: "Just gimme a sec here."
Link: "Asher, I'm just--"
Asher: "Link, if you'd--"
Link: "No I--"
Asher: "Link!"
Link: "Stop!"
Asher: "Link! Link! Link! LINK!"
Link: "...WHAT?!"
*Asher runs up a wall of ice, flips over a Frost Devil, landing behind it and stabbing it in the back with 3 natural 20s in a row -- an instant and badass kill*
Link: "Nice!...what did you want?"
Asher: "Just wanted you to see that."
----------------------------------------------------------------
The party splits up in a hellish dungeon as they search for a person of interest. Scott finds a devil but uses his diplomacy to strike a deal with the devil for a very nice bow... which decides its own targets. Of course this bow corrupts Scott, causing him to be evil, and OF COURSE the bow wants to kill the other party members first. After Scott had wandered the dungeon, picking off party members, he encounters the cleric.
Cleric: You! You've been the one shooting us, you traitor! Just answer me one question before I smite you: Why?
Scott: To be honest, I made a deal with a devil for the powerful bow, not to become inherently evil and kill half the party.
Cleric: Very well, I hope your god shows mercy when judging your soul--
Scott: But the evil and the killing WAS pretty cool, though.
Cleric: Nevermind. Damn you to hell!
Yet, that *does* be bad-ass.
Cleric: Absolutely not.
Kerrick: Come on, trust me.
Cleric: Alright, everyone, trust Kerrick. Go for it, buddy.
*Kerrick makes a grapple check of natural 20.... but misses his touch attack. DM rolls random dice and determines that Kerrick instead tackles the Cleric into the portal, hardcore.*
Cleric, shouting as he falls into the portal: "NEVER TRUST KERRICK! NEVER, EVER, EVER, ever, ever...."
Party member #3: "What'd he say?"
Party member #4: "I think it was 'never trust a carrot.'"
(Best part was, he really did think the cleric had said that, as the cleric was too busy swearing at Kerrick angrily to speak clearly)
DM: "So for today's ice breaker, I'd like each of you to tell us which of the other characters do you find the most intriguing and would like to know more about."
Player: Well I would say because she has a really nice axe and....
DM (mishearing): "Wait, WHAT?? A nice what?"
Player: A nice axe.
DM (blushing): "Ohhh, a nice AXE!"
DM: "Alright.... so your character manages to seduce a girl and takes her back to your room. Should you plan on making the moves on her, roll a Perform Check."
Player1: "What kind of a perform check do I do? I have Perform Lute and Perform Sing."
Player2: "No, you use Perform Oratory!"
DM: *face-palms*
Okay, I'll kick off with one of the most naive things ever said in any of my games and reported in another thread:
"Maybe it's a friendly lich!"
Ok ok....i know there is a usually accepted state for a lich, that of unfriendly.
However in our last campaign our DM was ingenious at developping plotlines that always kept us guessing as to the true motivations of some of the major characters.
Our party came accross a lich who had become such so that he might better save the people of his city. Salvation usually involved their souls being forever implanted in golems and thus becoming warforged, or as was also fairly common the the dead citizens being raised as undead. The citizens, living, undead and warforged, didnt realise he was a lich. Our party initially thought they had found an ally for their own nation in the fight against the prevailing evil empire.
On closer examination of his methods and discovery of his lichdom we then had all sorts of moral quandries to work through.
Appreciate the amusement of the statement :-) but for our party it just brings on shivers hehe
I mean seriously....if you cant rely on a lich to be just plain evil and worthy of evisceration, then what CAN you rely on.
We keep a 'quotes' page on our campaign's Wiki. Here a couple of our favorites:
DM: "So for today's ice breaker, I'd like each of you to tell us which of the other characters do you find the most intriguing and would like to know more about."
Player: Well I would say because she has a really nice axe and....
DM (mishearing): "Wait, WHAT?? A nice what?"
Player: A nice axe.
DM (blushing): "Ohhh, a nice AXE!"
DM: "Alright.... so your character manages to seduce a girl and takes her back to your room. Should you plan on making the moves on her, roll a Perform Check."
Player1: "What kind of a perform check do I do? I have Perform Lute and Perform Sing."
Player2: "No, you use Perform Oratory!"
DM: *face-palms*
Your campaign has a wiki?
Also, the Perform joke is good, but there actually is a seperate Perform skill for that. ;)
I mean seriously....if you cant rely on a lich to be just plain evil and worthy of evisceration, then what CAN you rely on.
I think a lich has already been eviscerated. If you see what I mean. ;)
I think a lich has already been eviscerated. If you see what I mean. ;)
Just cause its dead doesn't mean you can't make it dead. Again.
Just cause its dead doesn't mean you can't make it dead. Again.
maybe deader?
Arren Corvus (me): Mysterious winged-human warlock,
Adrian: Dense longtooth shifter cleric of Bahamut,
Rachelle: Childlike cherub wizard (homebrew race, similar to an eladrin but shorter and more cherubic),
and Zeke: Borderline insane firesoul genasi ranger.
We opened the session with a fight against a blue dragon. Coolest attack ever was when Zeke leaped up, plunged both broadswords into the dragon's underside, then kicked off and glassed the beach where he landed.
I forget the exact power I used to strike the deathblow, but it was flavored as a feather slicing at the target.
DM: "You killed it with a feather!"
Zeke, Adrian and Rachelle: :OMG!
Me:
We named Zeke's tratnyr "William". As in William Tratnyr.
I was out scouting--we'd fallen from our airship onto a swampy island--and I saw some 'forged and a lizardfolk shaman. I reported back, waking the party.
Zeke, the ranger: "So they're half an hour away."
Me: "Yeah."
Zeke: "I could've slept for another thirty minutes, idiot!"
In a different fight, I critted Crown of Stars on a dire wolf. All that was left was a vaguely wolf-shaped stain on the cave wall.
As a general joke, Draconic sounds a lot like a recipe in Common. "Heat knight to 2000 degrees..."
Just cause its dead doesn't mean you can't make it dead. Again.
Eviscerate means to remove the internal organs. Liches are, like, way ahead of you! ;)
And this situation came up. The participants are Me (The Team Leader/Techie), Eric (the tank), Sam (the Strategist) and Marcus (the medic/exobiologist)
We'd had contact with the Goa'uld before.
----------------------------------
DM (in his DM voice): <>
Sam: "Greaaat, probably more explorers." (OOC: DM, do we really have to go through the diplomacy stuff again- I want a fight)
Marcus: *as we travel to the gate room* "The last time you got in a fight you only survived because I risked my ass to hall yours away from that bloody bomb."
Sam: "How was I supposed to know it was a bomb?" (OOC: Really, Marcus, I thought it was an alien sensor device or something) *Sam's not familiar with stargate, or really dense, one of the two*
Me: Alright kids, calm down, let's see what this is about. *I pass a note to the DM, who blanches*
DM: As you enter the gateroom you see technicians across dozens of control panels, and beyond the protective glass the strange alien ring. The chevrons are glowing and lighting up- and with a whoosh, the portal forms in a whoosh of blue light.
Eric: *taking the time from his gameboy* "Oh, are we going somewhere?"
Marcus: "No Eric, someone's coming in."
Eric: "Well that's inconvenient, I was almost to level 28" *his character has a gameboy IN GAME so that he can game and mix IC and OOC comments or some **** like that*
DM: Getting down to business, a solitary figure steps out of the gateway. It is clad in a golden metal, and wears a helm in the shape of a wolf. Behind it matching beings tromp down the ramp, in similar, albiet silver outfits. They each carry a staff of some sort- roll knowledge checks *we all pass, except Eric who doesn't care* which you identify as goa'uld staff weapons. Then, just before the gate sputters and goes dim, the gold clad form of a Goa'uld steps out, and surveys the gathered defenders with disgust. He raises his hand and blasts them *and yadda yadda*
Anyways, we managed to seal off the gate room, so there's nine jaffa and one angry, and heavily armed Goa'uld in there. Who can't go through the gate, and the Goa'uld is setting up some sort of explosive device. And we don't have the means to go in there without all dying.
Me: Alright, I think it's time. *the DM blanches again*
DM: You sure?
Me: I'm sure. "Alright gentlemen, it looks like it's time for plan B. Begin flooding the gateroom."
Sam: "Drowning them? Clever."
Marcus: "Uh..."
Me: "Can't drown em- those are full containment suits, and the Goa'uld we've seen without hosts live in the water anyways. No, this is something special we've prepared."
The DM breaks into a coughing fit- then goes on to describe the room filling with water, and the reactions of the folks in it.
Eric pauses his game: "What kind of water is that?"
Marcus: "The wet kind."
Me, smirking: "Salt water."
Eric: "You're an evil bastard, you know that?"
DM: The room is full, but the jaffa seem uneffected, and the goa'uld is protected by his shield.
Me: "It's time. Release the sharks. Release the *******ed sharks!"
Rest-of-party: O_o "WHUT?"
---------------
Yes, we totally had the capacity to fill the tank with water for missions to water worlds- of which we'd had a few. And I'd gotten a shark tank build adjacent to the gate room, with actual sharks.
It was hilarious, and the players behind the characters still mock me about it to this day.
...But still...
...You gonna jump 'em? :D
Well, thank you to kinie for posting vague information regarding the karma system you guys use, as my DM has taken it up as well. anyways, my character died last night (12th level Warlock for my bro and a 12th level knight for me) in a way that will have the group talking about it for weeks. we have a house rule in our game where any teleportation has limits to how many other creatures they can take with them based on their size rather than their spellcasting ability. this becomes relevant later on, so pay attention. also for note, the BBEG is a kind of death knight, homebrew variant that will only die if his soul is imprisoned and the container destroyed, which we have already done when the fighting starts (otherwise how stupid would this venture be?)
we're battling the BBEG on his floating fortress of doom, which rips apart the ground, lifting it into the air and then keeping the land with it until it can be used like a telekinetic catapult, just whipping things at other buildings, and we figured out how to get up there. So anyways, we get in, and split off into two groups, myself and the party wizard going to disrupt the power supply of the fortress long enough for it to crash, while my brother, an assassin, and a cleric head off to do combat with the BBEG. Well, by the time the BBEG is almost toast, he realizes that the power is gone from his fortress, and that he is screwed in every way possible. so, seeing as he'd going to lose anyways he successfully grapples the cleric and pulls her off the edge of the tower with him. my brother, who's been having a love affair with the cleric, jumps off the side of the fortress after them and has a grapple battle in midair with the BBEG. he frees the cleric, who promptly uses magic to go to the nearest temple of Pelor (can't remember the name of the spell, but it's homebrew). Now, the BBEG knows my brother's character can fly, so he screams in rage at being prevented some measure of evil, and punches my brother in the face. by now, they're a good distance away from the fortress, much too far for the flee the scene power.
back on the fortress, the wizard has cast an antimagic field on the power source, a large glowing blue crystal from the age of myth. the crystal is so powerful that it's beginning to actually overload the field, kinda like when you put a kink in a hose long enough for the pressure to build up, then when you release it it shoots out water like nobody's business. of course, this was going to be a blast of epic proportions, lilely enough to decimate a kingdom considering the power of the crystal, but we were too high up to do any damage like that.
My brother uses a quickened flee the scene, and asks for a boatload of karma points, and we dump all of them for a net total of 237 into his effect - he suddenly has enough power to use flee the scene to get into the fortress again. he uses the contact made by the punch to bring them both into the antechamber where the crystal, I, and the wizard are. I'm not surprised, so I act quickly, pinning the death knight to the floor, despite his struggles. I turn around to my brother and tell him to get the wizard to the assassin so they could get away. he panicked and said, "What about you?!" I screamed back at him, "This isn't the time to worry about that. get Jacob (the wizard) up there so you three can escape!" he nodded, bringing the wizard up with him to the top of the tower so that Jacob could use teleport to get all three of them to safety on the ground.
The Death knight screams in my face, "You fool, do you think you have any chance of escaping this blast alive!?"
I respond casually to him, "I don't really care if I die, but I'm sure you won't like being here when it happens."
The explosion was so powerful it caused the entire continent to have incredibly powerful earthquakes for the next three days and it turned the sky purple. and not a nice shade of purple either, like barney, this was a sinister, energy laden purple that decimated anything that went high enough into the air for those three days.
so, we killed an un-killable death knight, vaporized a weapon of mass destruction, and terraformed a continent. not a bad session.
"If I'm losing the Game, I'm taking down everyone else with me" (Facebook status)
Person 1: "Hi. The Game."
Person 2:
I just lost the Game.This one was done so frequently that it became abbreviated to:
Person 2: *sees person 1*
I just lost the Game.You all lose! :evillaugh
For some in game ones:
We were playing a Muppet pirates game, using the PDQ system. The plot wound up being: the treasure is cursed, and it's guardians want you to obtain it legally so they can pass the curse off on you. To defend the treasure, they're forcefully merged with another guardian. This included a vampire bat fusing with a firefly to create a sparkly vampire bat.
DM: This campaign's villains brought to you by: Twighlight, Muppet Treasure Island, Pirates of the Caribbean, Hook, Sean's notebook, Erik's Transformers campaign, and the letter Aaarrr."
PG13. At least. Hopefully just shy of R
DM: The sad thing is that when I told Cthullette yeah, she kills the guy, just describe how, I had to veto two actions to just downgrade it to tentacle ****.
Cthullette's player: Also, I broke Erik.
*Note that Erik was laughing uncontrollably because she didn't get the innuendo inherent in her declaration that she "sucks him dry." Note that her victim was a womanizing pirate based on Captain Avalanche from the previously mentioned Transformers game. Her first method of killing him included pinning him to the ground by his te*t*cles.
DM: The sad thing is that when I told Cthullette yeah, she kills the guy, just describe how, I had to veto two actions to just downgrade it to tentacle ****.
Cthullette's player: Also, I broke Erik.
*Note that Erik was laughing uncontrollably because she didn't get the innuendo inherent in her declaration that she "sucks him dry." Note that her victim was a womanizing pirate based on Captain Avalanche from the previously mentioned Transformers game. Her first method of killing him included pinning him to the ground by his te*t*cles.
(After perception check in a dungeon)
Me (GM): You two (Pointing to Lathan and Andrew) see two trigger plates.
Andrew (IC): "Stop"
Nick (OOC): Hammer Time.
Everyone: Dun nunna na nunna nunna (Everyone is making upper body dancing motions and the sound of the beat in sync)
Andrew (IC): "Don't touch that!"
Brian: (casting Light on the Dragonborn Paladin's armor) "I make the dragon shiny."
and some kind of bloodthirsty halfling killing machine who's one of Chuck Norris's ancestors.
So.... He is the ancestor of a washed-up actor who hasn't made a movie or show in a very long time?
Person 2: *sees person 1*
You are not alone. My own group has the exact same type of person, someone who has caused people to lose The Game so freaking often that the mere sight of his face or the sound of his voice is enough to trigger it.
By the way, you all just lost.
:D
Oh, all right, I'll post one of the better lines we had our latest session. We're continuing our previous high seas adventures of Dak, the Ninja Pirate and the newly named Ziggy, a hodgepodge of Rogue and Daggermage. (Or w/e the class is called, it's in the Complete Arcane)
Well, we fought our way through a haunted mansion (Ziggy unknowingly killed two people by stabbing a portrait that passed its damage on to the house's descendants) and afterward found civilization on the island it was situated on. Because Ziggy took some Strength drain from a type of Wraith that, after reading its victim's mind, goes after the thing he loves most, he looked for a Cleric in town.
This didn't make it in last time because we ran too late to do any roleplaying, but Ziggy is, and I quote, a 23-year-old with the mind of an 8-year-old. His only voice of reason is his raven familiar, which constantly speaks over his random gibberish to try and communicate with people. The Cleric attempted to remedy this condition, but, since it's not technically an ailment (It's a personality quirk; he actually has 15 Wisdom and high Intelligence), it doesn't work. But it did prompt Ziggy's player to drop this line:
"I can see clearly now...everything makes sense. The world is a dark and bitter place, change me back or I may have to KILL YOU ALL!"
Aside from that, the Cleric didn't know quite as much about the arcane arts as Ziggy did, so he was a bit taken aback by the raven. He believed it to be a possessed bird, and offered to try and exorcise it. Ziggy, having the mind of an 8-year-old, decided that this would be a good idea:
"Him? He's not bad, he's just my bird. Besides," (Now in a demonic voice, Ziggy casts Prestidigitation to make his eyes glow bright red) "he's not the possessed one."
The two of us at the table weren't sure whether to facepalm or laugh along with him. We decided, given that our new enemies were aiming arms at our crew and ship, to run like hell and try to live another day. Much fun was had, and we managed to skip 2 plot lines our DM set up for us that session. :D
You are not alone. My own group has the exact same type of person, someone who has caused people to lose The Game so freaking often that the mere sight of his face or the sound of his voice is enough to trigger it.
By the way, you all just lost.
:D
More people need to see this:
http://xkcd.com/391/
Emancipation is sweet, isn't it?
More people need to see this:
http://xkcd.com/391/
Emancipation is sweet, isn't it?
BUT... IT'S...A... PARADOX!
More people need to see this:
http://xkcd.com/391/
Emancipation is sweet, isn't it?
I have won. Just as planned.
Quinn: "Sneak Attack!"
DM: Roll Knowledge: The Planes.
Quinn rolls well
DM: "you know that she is actually a fire elemental and sneak attack has no effect"
Quinn: "Wait, what? Why?"
Dm: "She has no discernible anatomy"
Quinn: "No discernible anatomy!? I've been discerning her anatomy all day!"
Or something.
The Warlock just got hit by yet another ranged attack.
Warlord: Can't you do something?
Warlock: Not really.
Warlord: What about that pact dagger? Can't you use it for something?
Fighter: Well, generally you get to stab people with it...
It was funny at the time, but perhaps you had to be there.
PS: I've download the entire old thread for archiving purposes, and I'm running a macro to replace all the links. Hopefully I can load the entire thing as a zip file, and you can view the entire thing offline at your leisure. With all the links replaced with links to the local files, you should have no trouble doing that.
DM: Alright, the enemy makes a bull rush and *rolls* knocks you off the tower.
Me: Am I in position to slow fall?
DM: Roll tumble *I roll, get like 25 on the check* Alright, you can slow fall.
Me: ALRIIIIIGHTY THEN! I plant my feet on the side of the tower, and use my move for the round to book it, right to the top.
DM: I thougth you were slow fall-oh... right. Walls.
Me: WALLS FUBERRY YEAH! So anyways, I book it, right up to the top. Can I provoke an AoO when I jump off the top of the tower, backflip over the BBEG and land in front of him?
DM: Uh... sure? He attacks you, *rolls* and you're a monk. He misses.
Me: So I get a trip attack, right? (Defensive throw says YES!)
DM: *sighs* Alright.
Me: *Rolls, gets a sufficient score on the opposed str check to trip* Alright, I trip him into the square that compromizes off the edge of the tower. For my immediate melee attack, I eviscerate him with my +2 Vorpal Bursting Kama as he falls.
DM: *rolls* Alright, he fails his tumble check to grab onto the edge of the ledge, roll your attack*
Me: *rolls, natural twenties... vorpal weapon*
DM: ... Alright, nape to sternum, you cut him in half and he falls to the ground in two separate pieces.
Rest-of-party: O_o What the hell?
Fighter: Remind me not to **** off the monk.
We were using some homebrew- like a ruling that defensive throw lets me trip an enemy into a square adjacent to me that he didn't previously occupy.
PS: I've download the entire old thread for archiving purposes, and I'm running a macro to replace all the links. Hopefully I can load the entire thing as a zip file, and you can view the entire thing offline at your leisure. With all the links replaced with links to the local files, you should have no trouble doing that.
If you do that and keep it updated I will edit it into the first post
DM: Alright, the enemy makes a bull rush and *rolls* knocks you off the tower.
Me: Am I in position to slow fall?
DM: Roll tumble *I roll, get like 25 on the check* Alright, you can slow fall.
Me: ALRIIIIIGHTY THEN! I plant my feet on the side of the tower, and use my move for the round to book it, right to the top.
DM: I thougth you were slow fall-oh... right. Walls.
Me: WALLS FUBERRY YEAH! So anyways, I book it, right up to the top. Can I provoke an AoO when I jump off the top of the tower, backflip over the BBEG and land in front of him?
DM: Uh... sure? He attacks you, *rolls* and you're a monk. He misses.
Me: So I get a trip attack, right? (Defensive throw says YES!)
DM: *sighs* Alright.
Me: *Rolls, gets a sufficient score on the opposed str check to trip* Alright, I trip him into the square that compromizes off the edge of the tower. For my immediate melee attack, I eviscerate him with my +2 Vorpal Bursting Kama as he falls.
DM: *rolls* Alright, he fails his tumble check to grab onto the edge of the ledge, roll your attack*
Me: *rolls, natural twenties... vorpal weapon*
DM: ... Alright, nape to sternum, you cut him in half and he falls to the ground in two separate pieces.
Rest-of-party: O_o What the hell?
Fighter: Remind me not to **** off the monk.
Why does this remind me so much of the fight between obi-wan and darth maul?
The cast:
- Baalgark, a Felusian scoundrel (Felusians are primitive fungus men)
- Klo Hoth, an anachronistic Jedi from some temple that apparently has been out of touch with the Council for a few hundred years. Species doesn't breathe oxygen/nitrogen atmospheres
- Xavel, a noble/jedi of the insulting swashbuckler variety, except mildly overweight and trained by a pacifist master (Arcanam). Race is basically an illithid
- Darl ______, a Mandalorian I believe it is. The warrior race with the T-shaped visor (like Bobba Fett). He's a mercenary wondering who's crazy enough to hire him to not kill people (Arcanam)
- forget-his-name, a small lizardman with charisma 5, reflected by being hyperactive and overly curious. An annoying tourist.
While coming up with an explanation for how my Felusian character came off his planet, I decide on the following: after a local shaman turns to the Dark Side and goes nuts on his village, Baalgark runs away. Needing a place to hide, he ducks in some strange structure, too scared of the shaman to be scared of this strange thing that appeared out of nowhere. It turned out to be a space ship, and it took off with him. After settling on this, I realize that he only speaks Felusianese, and I have no hope of being able to learn Basic.
DM: "Somehow you have managed to combine Chewbacka and Jar Jar Binks into one character and not make it suck."
Player (Klo Hoth): "That was high five worthy."
The DM decides to explain how we met up with one another. Somehow or other, the little lizard man manages to get himself into big trouble (Jar Jar style), and I choose this moment to stop hiding. I was reminded of a pet species from my planet, and I leaped out to save him.
DM: "And though you understand that this guy is sentient, he still reminds you of your old pet. Despite the barriers, you two manage to form a friendship that transcends language barriers."
my pet-friend: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me. I seem to have this fungus growing on me."
Player: "Take two thermal detonators and call me in the morning."
my pet-friend: "Doctor, doctor, you've got to help me. I seem to have this fungus growing on me."
They do say that friends grow on you, right?
They do say that friends grow on you, right?
I finally completed my backup of the original thread. I ran a find-replace macro to redirect all the page navigation links to link to the offline file, meaning you can read the entire thing offline.
I left most of the formatting alone (in fact, I manually enabled some of the formatting), meaning it should look nearly exactly the same as it does online.
I did remove some of the header text, and other clearly-useless-offline stuff.
Download the zip file, unpack the "Best Lines" folder, and click on a page. That's all there is to it.
http://www.mediafire.com/file/5jytjzyozww/Best Lines Zip.zip
Katt was unfortunately climbing to the mall roof to disable the security alarm while Angelica and Harmony hid in a janitorial closet until the mall closed.Angelica: "You're not allowed to play lottery unless you play my numbers. Though I never played so I don't know what my numbers are."
Angelica: "Okay, maybe we had enough of this quiz."
Harmony: "Hey, you were the one who started it. I'm trying to hide here."
Angelica: "Well I can do both both at the same time."
Harmony: "Congrats. You can take a quiz in a closet."
Katt: "Brilliant the kind of grads comming out of that Xavier school. Next we get the cousin to the Juggernaut who can walk and chew gum at the same time."
GM: "Katt, you get up on the roof and you see 8 goth kids on the other side of the skylight. They're hanging someone over the side of the roof."
Katt: "Ah, I open fire."
Angelica: "Be careful, you might drop the kid hanging over the edge."
Katt: "Flightless monkey-bird is on his own."
GM: "You shoot one goth in the shoulder. He goes down in pain. The others scramble for cover. One throws a magical fireball at you. Take 7 damage."
Katt: "Ouch! Cough! Cough! Oh, it is now on the on."
GM: "Harmony, looking up you see a dark purple laser beam shoot across the skylight, countered by a large ball of fire shooting the opposite way."
Harmony: "What the hell?"
Katt: *Throws a canister of riot gas into the goth crowd*
Goth 1: *picks up the hot canister and burns his hand. Drops canister*
Goth 2: *Picks up the hot canister and throws the canister away*
Goth 3: *Gets hit in the face with the hot canister and drops to the floor*
Goth 4: *Tries smothering the canister of gas with his pants (while wearing them)*
Goth 1: *Starts kicking Goth 4 in the crotch repeatedly to kick the canister away*
Canister: *Rolls over to goths 5, 6, and 7 and catches them in the gas*
Katt: "Uh..." o_o;
Harmony: "Your alien riot gas seems to do IQ damage on this world."
Anyway, we encounter some Sahuagin, and he tried to reason with them.
It didn't work, and they threatened to eat us. The warlock then shouted some insults to them, starting the fight.
Since I'm playing a fighter, I figured I ought to get the bad guy's attention. On my turn I went out to the center of the room and tried to **** them off some more.
Fighter: "Hey fish heads! Are you ugly bastards related to minnows, or are you just ugly bastards?"
DM: They all look at you with an odd expression. They didn't understand you.
Fighter: ...
Fighter: *double finger*
DM:
Fighter: *motions like he's eating, points at fish-guys, rubs belly*
DM: OK, they are clearly PO'd. Congratulations.
Anyway, we encounter some evil fish-folk with tridents (race name starts with an S), and he tried to reason with them.
It didn't work, and they threatened to eat us. The warlock then shouted some insults to them, starting the fight.
Sahuagin?
This reminds me of an encounter during the last adventure with the whiny, yet becoming reputable half-elf bard and her entourage (all level 4):
Katrina Starsong: whiny, yet becoming reputable half-elf bard
Daxon Silver: human swashbuckler/aspiring cook
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue, nuff said
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric of Ehlonna (my NPC)
Duskan: half-orc ranger guide (NPC, played by same guy who plays Daxon)
The characters are tearing through a mine overrun by troglodytes. These guys have literally killed about three dozen of these pesky f***ers and Katrina has had enough. So when the PC's happen upon a room filled with five trogs, she shouts out the following insult in Draconic!
Katrina: Your mothers f*** humans!
Daxon (who is learning Draconic as a language): You just said something nasty didn't you?
Katrina:;)
Shayna: Daxon, must you ask? (At this point all five of them rush the party) She's always saying something that p***es people off!
I'm excited about this weekend's session: my brother will hopefully be joining us and he's into playing neurotic dwarves so, I'm hoping for more humorous gems from my group!
Minotaur barbarian: ah crap, I'm flying again.
half-elf warlock: nah, this is floating. flying imples some sort of locomotive control.
Here they go:
- I throw a bomb at the incoming missile!
- Shake him to see if he broke his neck...
- Sure, I'll push my best friend into the sphere of energy that disintegrates everything.
- I use the crossbow, a weapon I'm not proficient in and don't know how to use, to attack the Demon Lord, who will probably be immune to my attack anyway, while it is in melee combat with my friends and allies, and completely ignoring the fact that the King of this region is in the direct line of aim of my crossbow shot. Oh no... I rolled a 1.
- Wait... what Demon Lord?
- I detonate the gem!
- Humans are good food
- Let's clone Cindy Crawford
- You suddenly feel a strong urge to make love to a snail...
- Bah! A +2 weapon should be enough to kill the Archangel of Death
- So the undead ghosts of Static-X pull down their spectral pants...
- I'll do her in ectoplasmic form
- Hell, if I'm going to die, I'm taking everyone else with me...
- Screw the world, I call upon Jesus Christ to enslave everyone!
- We are invincible!
- I want to congratulate him on his pooping skills
- Nothing like cheesecakes to celebrate the pillage and razing of yet another city...
- Sure. I'll open the heavily trapped door
- No genitalia! Ahhhhh!!!
- Kill the bunnies. Kill them all!
- How are we going to get through all that poop?
- Let's kill him, nail him to a cross, bury him upside the down, take a dump on his tomb, then draw a pentagram around it and see what happens...
- Things couldn't possibly get any worse
- Let's doom the entire city for our personal gain
- Chose your poison
- Well my lady, you yourself look well-traveled....... what?
- I enlarge my boobs to distract the city guards
- The high priest of the city's Temple waits for the dragon to take a crap, and then resurrects your remains from the dragon poop.
- An *evil* lich?
Just yesterday I was pretty sad of having to delete my personal webpage because of job search reasons.
Wait! What???
Nik: "It went straight down my throat!"
Zach: "You didn't even get to taste it."
(in reference to a skittle he threw up in the air and caught)
---
Jason : "Not going for the 'All you can eat'?"
Nik : "No. I'm going for something fruity!"
(all you can eat buffet at IHOP.)
---
Nik : "You know what should be a munchkin card? Sticky Kitty. Remember all those things he used to make up?"
John : "Dude. (name withheld) is a walking munchkin game."
(Munchkin reference)
---
John : "Why did you do that?!? How are we going to defeat it!?!
Nik : "I don't know! You figure it out. But if you beat it, *I* get a bunch of treasure."
(Munchkin reference)
---
(A lethal group of enemies attacks Grantham, Bradwarden, and Sokar.
Grantham picks up Sokar and throws him to die in the enemies.)
Sokar : "You bastards!"
Bradwarden (Zach) : "Save us!"
(Exit Grantham and Bradwarden)
(Sokar was a NPC (turns out he was evil so it was ok)
---
Bradwarden (Zach) : "There's two of them in back of you!"
Grantham (John) : "No, there's only one."
DM (Nik): "The Skin Kite splits into two Skin Kites!"
(silence)
Bradwarden (Zach) : "...told ya there was two of them in back of you."
---
Jason: "Give me a glaive, I'll hide right now!"
(After being questioned about the efficacy of using the hide skill while wielding a glaive).
---
Nik: "I'm about to unleash the ### naked Monk, though."
John: "You're no longer allowed to be my Yojimbo."
(Rokugan)
---
Zach: "Well if I get a donkey...it'll have a burrow speed."
Nik: "You know what...you're not allowed to have the donkey."
(In reference to his Dwarven Ranger's soon to be Animal Companion)
---
Jason: "I'm not wiping ass."
(When Zach asked Jason to do him a favor while holding his 2 month old daughter)
---
Kevin: (Enraged) "You guys didn't buy any tanglefoot bags?!?"
(After spending his entire 8000gp on blast globes)
---
Ben: "If using an elf as a melee weapon is wrong, I don't want to be right."
---
Ben: "Drop her!" (Immediately before punching his own grappled teammate in the face)
---
John: "Umm...can we have our goblin back?"
---
Highcove: "It's a muffin! (After failing any spot check)"
If they aren't funny, remember context and being there is everything.
Wait! What???
Besides D&D one liners, my webpage had all sorts of non-politically correct off-colored jokes... Not good if a potential employer is looking for info about you on the internet... Although I guess if they were a fellow D&D player it might help me land a job with them :p
As a young half-elf, Mengde had been a bouncer in a Kromian tavern, and Ardeth had wandered Kroma after the war had ended. So we decided that, to justify Mengde knowing Dene (the Vanguard language) and Ardeth knowing Kromian, Ardeth had once wandered into the bar Mengde bounced at, and the two of them struck up an unlikely friendship - to quote my roomie, "Learning one another's languages... as well as the ways of love."
By the time the final session had rolled around, Ardeth had a Cleric of Pelor as a love interest, and Mengde had Sarah, the girl he'd hired to help run the bar he'd inherited (since he had no ranks in Profession: Bartender). The session began with the Kromian PCs sailing up to the Vanguard island, flying a white flag, while all the Vanguard PCs plus their militia waited on the shore, alert for an attack. Tensions were extremely high.
I was the only Kromian PC who knew Dene, and we weren't going to assume that the Vanguards spoke Kromian, so I (and my +15 to Diplomacy) walked out onto the shore alone, to address the Vanguard and offer our help (long story). Ardeth was their representative, since he spoke Kromian and they were assuming none of us spoke Dene.
Mengde (in Dene): Greetings, noble citizens of the Vanguard! We come in peace. I apologize if my Dene is rusty - it's been almost ten years since that moronic Favored Soul wandered into the bar and... *look of recognition* Ardeth?
Ardeth: Mengde? Is that you? Holy sh*t!
Mengde: So, how're things?
Ardeth: Good, good! Say, do you have a love interest?
Mengde: Yeah! And she's a girl, too!
Ardeth: Me, too! Man, I love p**sy!
There was no more tension after that.
More backstory: As a Warblade, Mengde had Iron Heart Surge. The wording is basically "Choose one effect with a duration of more than a round that is affecting you. The effect is now gone." So, we got to talking about how genre-appropriate it would be if Mengde had impregnated Sarah.
Me: Come on, you ruled that Ardeth and Remolin (friend's Elf Swordsage who impregnated a human ranger) knocked their love interests up!
DM: Do you really want to make this an issue? Because I'll roll for it.
Me: Look, you don't need to roll. Mengde was with Sarah for a couple hours before he had to leave. He would just Iron Heart Surge his refractory period over and over again.
DM: *leaves the room in mock disgust, laughing*
If they aren't funny, remember context and being there is everything.
That's why adding a little bit to explain the context helps wonders.
"We're in a cave."
"We're in a cave?"
"Liar!"
"We're in a cave."
"We're in a cave?"
That reminds me...
Two or so sessions ago, the party was investigating the cause of a strange disease in a little northern town. Finally, they discovered that there were quite a few corpses in the mines in which most of the town population worked. Sadly, most of those corpses (all of miners) were, in fact, zombies.
Cue Jet, party knight entering the mayor's office:
Jet: Sir, I don't mean to bother you, but there are zombies in the mines.
Mayor: ...wait, what?
Jet: There are zombies in the mines.
Mayor: There are zombies in the mines?!
Jet: There are zombies in the mines.
Mayor: God, you're serious about there being zombies in the mines.
Jet: Yes sir, there are indeed zombies in the mines.
Meanwhile over at the church, Silas the Tiefling sniper enters and starts relaying a bit of the story to a priest.
Silas: There are zombies in the mines!
Priest: What, zombies in the mines?!
Silas: There are zombies in the mines!
Villager: Oh my god! There are zombies in the mines!
Peasant: Zombies in the mines?!
Commoner: Zombies in the mines!
*the common folk storms out of the church, stepping over and/or on Silas in the process*
Silas: *stands up with footprints on his face and body* But seriously, there are zombies in the mines.
Later, at the mayor's office:
Commoner: *comes running in* There are zombies in the mines!
Jet: Oh god. *facepalms knowing exactly what Silas did*
Mayor: Dammit, I know that there are zombies in the mines!
Commoner: ...oh. *runs out again and starts shouting outside that there are zombies in the mines*
So, after a couple of days sailing, they find the ship.
DM (Me): You hear alarms go off. When you reach the deck, you see a ship.
Player 1: What flag are they flying?
DM (Me): [dramatic pause] None.
Player 2: They're flying a nun!?
In another session, the players were talking in the middle of a tavern.
Player 3: Horrible pun. (I forget what it was, but it was pretty bad.)
Player 4: Roll a perception check.
Player 3: *Rolls*
Player 4: You hear the sound of crickets chirping.
And finally, the group was in the sewers, when they stumble upon a horribly mutated skeleton.
Player 1: (a paladin) I pray for his soul.
*Rolls natural 1*
...And a short time later, more mutant skeletons
Player 1: Allright, time to redeem myself. I pray for their souls.
*Rolls natural 1 again.*
Anyhow we go down through the caverns and I have a torch on and so does the cleric. We kill some undead and proceed to a room where there's a sleeping troll. We're level 3 and don't really have any anti-troll measures (We don't actually have any ranged characters). The party decides to sneak past it and we accidentally wake it up, eventually get it to the floor and keep killing it as it regens until we realise we have some lamp oil to kill it.
Finally we decide to go for a swim to the next part. The rogue has an amulet of light so he leads the way. I'm second last and the rogue swims around the corner and:
DM tells everyone "You're plunged into pitch black as the light source disappears around the corner"
Me: "It's alright I have a torch"
Then we eventually get through the caverns to the bridge, which we have to scale. A poor sneak roll from our cleric (Who's a dwarf, and houserules climbing this ladder means a move and standard action to climb half move speed up the cliff space DC plus an additional square for each 5 over 25)
I make it to the top first having +12 to Athletics and realise there's 4 guards standing there. Which promptly boot me off. DM "What you didn't see that coming."
Anyhow I swam around in the ocean throwing Javelins at long range at them after that.
Jet: Sir, I don't mean to bother you, but there are zombies in the mines.
Mayor: ...wait, what?
Jet: There are zombies in the mines.
Mayor: There are zombies in the mines?!
Jet: There are zombies in the mines.
Mayor: God, you're serious about there being zombies in the mines.
Jet: Yes sir, there are indeed zombies in the mines.
Meanwhile over at the church, Silas the Tiefling sniper enters and starts relaying a bit of the story to a priest.
Silas: There are zombies in the mines!
Priest: What, zombies in the mines?!
Silas: There are zombies in the mines!
Villager: Oh my god! There are zombies in the mines!
Peasant: Zombies in the mines?!
Commoner: Zombies in the mines!
*the common folk storms out of the church, stepping over and/or on Silas in the process*
Silas: *stands up with footprints on his face and body* But seriously, there are zombies in the mines.
Later, at the mayor's office:
Commoner: *comes running in* There are zombies in the mines!
Jet: Oh god. *facepalms knowing exactly what Silas did*
Mayor: Dammit, I know that there are zombies in the mines!
Commoner: ...oh. *runs out again and starts shouting outside that there are zombies in the mines*
:heeheePlaying through Red Hand of Doom and we got to the very last encounter...
BIG Red Hand of Doom Spoiler!
We teleport, invisible, into the BBEG's ritual room and launch a devastating pre-emptive strike on him before he really knows what's hit him. An invisible party member has previously scouted the room and the DM has described the awesome blue-dragon armour, nifty weapon and other cool gear the bad guy is wearing/holding.
The duskblade hits him for huge damage around the second round of combat and suddenly, the ceiling and the sky open up and a gigantic five-headed dragon looks down on the room, before the Blue Dragon head lashes out and swallows the bad guy whole.
There is a massive whiplash of thunder, the room goes dark.
Party: (*silence - nobody quite knows what to say for a minute*)
Dragon Shaman: ...TIAMAT STOLE OUR LOOT!
We teleport, invisible, into the BBEG's ritual room and launch a devastating pre-emptive strike on him before he really knows what's hit him. An invisible party member has previously scouted the room and the DM has described the awesome blue-dragon armour, nifty weapon and other cool gear the bad guy is wearing/holding.
The duskblade hits him for huge damage around the second round of combat and suddenly, the ceiling and the sky open up and a gigantic five-headed dragon looks down on the room, before the Blue Dragon head lashes out and swallows the bad guy whole.
There is a massive whiplash of thunder, the room goes dark.
Party: (*silence - nobody quite knows what to say for a minute*)
Dragon Shaman: ...TIAMAT STOLE OUR LOOT!
Another member of the agency who died in the mission was Zack, an NPC who assisted the two PCs to fight the zombies, although he exploded after going down, whilst Silas took Jet's unconscious body and ran from the zombies, the mines behind him collapsing.
As they worked for an agency that dealt with strange occurences (so that we could introduce plot hooks easily), called the Federal Investigation Service Headquarters (and so the two of them were Federal Investigation Service Headquarters Inspectors, i.e. "FISHI"), he was introduced to his new partner Sky, a female monk.
This occurred right before Silas met Sky:
Silas: *enters the boss' office* Yo boss.
Boss (NPC): *Silas' angel-winged boss appears to be rocking back and forth in his chair as if imitating Ronald McDonald in this video and falls over*
Silas: Eh, boss?
Boss: *gets up* Hello, Silas.
Silas: What the hell were you doing just now?
Boss: Investigating.
Silas: Yeeeaaah, riiight.
Boss: You don't believe me, do you?! Alright, you've found me out, I am really... *pulls off mask to reveal a skull*
Sky's Player (OOC): Aahh! Scorpion!
Silas: What the hell?!
Boss: Just kidding. I am really *pulls off mask* your mother!
Silas: ...momma? Is that you?
Boss: Yes dear, now go to your room!
Silas: No! Bugger off!
Boss: That's it, it's time I reveal my true form... *pulls off yet another mask*
Silas (OOC): ...who is it?
DM: *smiles a little* The face you now see before you appears familiar, arrogant, and with spiky black hair.
Sky (OOC): It's the Zack-Ass!
Silas (OOC?): It's the Zack-Ass!
Zack: ...what?
Later on, Silas looked around for an orphanage to drop the kobold kids off at and found one. He left the babies behind with your typical Lurch-ish butler kinda guy before going back and learning from their angelic boss (named Mikhail) that the orphanage was closed down five years ago. After showing him a picture of the man he gave the kids to and explaining that the man was a serial children killer from a few years ago, Mikhail sent the new duo out to go kick and arrest his ass. They find Lurch Man in a gloomy (but not so dark) basement, sharpening a giant butcher knife, one of the kobold kids strapped to a table, the other lying against the wall, his nose a crumpled heap of blood and broken bone. Sky moves up to him to take him on in melee whilst Silas moves around for a clear shot. Sky gets roughed up pretty badly, and then the knife comes down for the final blow...
DM: *rolls the d20* ...dammit.
Sky: What?
DM: *points at his plate with his sandwich and fork* My fork just made me roll a natural 1.
Sky: Thank you Fork!
DM: We now have a new god: Fork of Enemies-Rolling-Natural-Ones. He'll make a nice addition to our pantheon of Enix, God of Squares and Dorona, Dragonborn God of I-Can-Do-Anything.
The following surmises what happened last session pretty well- or rather, what I suspect was going through my fellow players minds while in the real world, they were all getting the **** kicked out of them.
THE CAST
Katrina Starsong: whiny, yet becoming reputable half-elf bard
Daxon Silver: human swashbuckler/aspiring cook
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue, nuff said
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric of Ehlonna (my NPC)
Duskan: half-orc ranger guide (NPC, played by same guy who plays Daxon)
All PC's are level four
Duskan comes across four boulder-men (galeb duhr) in the wilderness who have been attracted by Katrina's singing. Not knowing if they spoke Common, the following happened.
Duskan: Fricken de Dwarven?
Needless to say, much laughter ensued. This was actually the last adventure with Daxon as his character was designed more for a sea-faring campaign but, I look forward to many more (mis)adventures with Duskan.
Cleric - After all this I'm not letting one blasted kobold escape! *casts flamestrike and incinerates a couple.*
Fighter - *Stars shooting his crossbow and pelting the kobolds as they flee for their lives.*
Wizard - I have an idea, one of you two do me a favor and back up a ways and throw a small rock at a kobold.
Cleric - Huh? Why? *continues throwing his remaining spells at the kobolds*
Fighter - I work my way back and pick up a small stone and with careful aim chuck it at a kobold *rolls.. successful*
Wizard - I cast enlarge on the rock.
DM - The rock becomes a 2 tun boulder and with a tremendous crunch it hits the kobold who's eyes grow wide before he disappears behind its shadow. *Splat!*
Everyone - *Laughs their arses off, hooting at the wizards player who has the biggest smile ever on his face. After they stop laughing he says 'I wish I had memorized it twice!' which starts everyone laughing again.*
In any rate as the DM it was definitely outside the strict rules but it was such a funny idea and so awesome I let it happen and laughed as hard as everyone else. In the end the remaining kobolds didn't want to get squished by an enlarged rock again so they surrendered.
Our sessions get pretty trippy these days. And we have an artist in the group.
The following surmises what happened last session pretty well- or rather, what I suspect was going through my fellow players minds while in the real world, they were all getting the **** kicked out of them.
Awesome!
*snip*
GM: "Katt, you get up on the roof and you see 8 goth kids on the other side of the skylight. They're hanging someone over the side of the roof."
Katt: "Ah, I open fire."
Angelica: "Be careful, you might drop the kid hanging over the edge."
Katt: "Flightless monkey-bird is on his own."
GM: "You shoot one goth in the shoulder. He goes down in pain. The others scramble for cover. One throws a magical fireball at you. Take 7 damage."
Katt: "Ouch! Cough! Cough! Oh, it is now on the on."
GM: "Harmony, looking up you see a dark purple laser beam shoot across the skylight, countered by a large ball of fire shooting the opposite way."
Harmony: "What the hell?"
Katt: *Throws a canister of riot gas into the goth crowd*
Goth 1: *picks up the hot canister and burns his hand. Drops canister*
Goth 2: *Picks up the hot canister and throws the canister away*
Goth 3: *Gets hit in the face with the hot canister and drops to the floor*
Goth 4: *Tries smothering the canister of gas with his pants (while wearing them)*
Goth 1: *Starts kicking Goth 4 in the crotch repeatedly to kick the canister away*
Canister: *Rolls over to goths 5, 6, and 7 and catches them in the gas*
Katt: "Uh..." o_o;
Harmony: "Your alien riot gas seems to do IQ damage on this world."
ROTFL
This was our team's first time using dynamite to blow open a door, and we were having some difficulty understanding how it worked. We lit it, put it down next to the appropriate door, walked off to what we thought was a safe distance and waited. Nothing happened right away, sooo...
Me: Huh. It's not working. Are you sure you lit it properly?
Friend: I'm sure I did! Listen, can't you hear the ticking noises?
Me: *rolls listen, fails* No...
Friend: Look, I'll go check.
*Friend goes to inspect the lit explosive device*
BOOM!
Friend: Mother of God!
And again, later on...
Friend: I'm going to light a stick of dynamite and throw it at them!
DM: It's not a grenade, it won't go off as soon as it hits something. Besides, at this range, you'd be caught in the explosion.
Friend: Okay then, I'll just light it and use it in a few rounds.
*A few rounds later, all the monsters are dead.*
Friend: Okay, we're done. Let's search-
DM: Hang on. Aren't you forgetting something?
Friend: What? No, I don't think so. I search the room.
DM: Okay...
BOOM!
Friend: Mother of God!
We were laughing hard as we cleaned bits of Friend off the walls both times...
At the begining I had some epic diplomacy checks. Well, I say epic, but they were just really good. I may be a monk, but I've got maxed out diplomacy, which enabled me to turn a horrible situation into a really good one.
Basically this was the situation.
Me: *gestures to the mayor* That man is an imposter- a shape changer wearing the shape of the Mayor
Mayor(fake): Liar, Guards! kill him!
Guard 1: Die traitor!
Guard 2: Not on my watch- this man speaks the truth!
*Guard 1 and Guard 2 start fighting eachother*
Me: (OOC: Alright, I roll diplomacy to try and catch the fake mayor in a lie) "You speak of the church, which you say has burned down. And of this irremovable plague of undeath. And yet where is your evidence. None of these men have left the town hall in weeks, and the town yet survives. Truly, you are the worst sort of imposter- one who has not even taken the care to come up with a plausible lie!"
DM: *Rolls for effect*
Mayor: "WHY YOU-AARGH" *facade starts to fall* "Kill him! KILL HIM I SAY!"
Me: (OOC: Alright, he totally has discernable anatomy. I'm going to charge him and stunning fist him in the face) "SEE HOW HIS FACADE, IT FALLS, AND REVEALS THE EVIL CONCEALED WITHIN!"
DM: Alright, you charge, and stunning fist him in the face. The facade drops (he's a doppleganger) and the town guards cease their fighting and charge towards the creature.
Cleric-who-isn't-there: (OOC: I'm so glad you've been putting ranks in diplomacy. Otherwise we'd be dead)
DM: You might still be- he still has to rescue you
Cleric-who-isn't-there: (OOC: Well... If the diplomacy goes as well as this bit just did)
My rolls for those diplomacy checks were basically 20, 24, 26, 20, 25, 28, 30, 19, 21, 19. Fantastic.
Had some interesting moments, as I, the monk, Von, the Wizard, and Father Badtouc-err, I mean Sunseeker Brightheart, the GMNPC infiltrated a gathering of "The Lords of Shadow" to rescue the rest of the party that got their asses kicked earlier.
As we came up with fake names to get in, we ran into this situation.
Lord of Shadow #5: My fellows, we are glad you have made it. But you are quite late, and we have been waiting.
Cleric-who-isn't-there (OOC): They've been waiting. You're holding everything up.
DM: Quiet, you.
Me: Ah, but it is hardly fashionable to arive early, now is it?
Lord of Shadows #5: I don't know... but it could be. Well played.
Cleric-who-isn't-there(OOC): ...early... fashionable... FASHIONABLY LATE!
*The rest of the party erupts into laugher, having not noticed the line until then*
Later we had to fight seven greater shadows- albiet heavily modified, given that they were the 'lords of shadow' and intelligent, and basically nobody had any spells, or any of their gear. We won, barely. Got some really nice loot, we did. And next session we'll basically be done this campaign. Then on to the next one. The next one. The one without undead. The one with enemies with discernable anatomy, who aren't immune to crits, and who don't have damage reduction.
The halfling rouge: "We can just put on the cultists robes and sneak in, like storm troopers"
DM: "Arn't you a little short to be a Storm Trooper?"
Last night we were fighting some griffins, which insisted on flying around and attacking us from the air. As a melee fighter, I was somewhat unamused by this tactic. After trying several times to attack them when they got near me, I started getting creative.
Me: "I take make a running jump/charge attack, jumping off the back of that one we already killed"
DM: Roll some checks...
Me: *Rolls a 24 or so*
Fighter: Charges across the battlefield, screaming in frustration. Runs up the back of a dead griffin, makes a running jump, and misses the target by about 7 feet.
Other player: "Ha ha, white guys can't jump!"
(extra funny because I'm white and he's not. :rolleyes
I tried this two more times, when the target was closer to my ramp, but spectacularly failed my attack rolls (natural 3 and natural 1). On the natural 1, my weapon went flying.
Fighter:
! Fine! I take out my backup weapon (non-magical hammer), my rope, and I make a grappling hook thing!DM: Wait, what?!? You are going to make a grappling hook out of a hammer?!?
Me: Yes. Yes I am.
In the end, I never got to use it because the last two monsters were killed that turn. Also, when we finally got to the city, the FIRST THING I bought was a Distance Throwing Hammer of Return.
Screw you ranged monsters. Screw you.
There was a wizard in the group (Artur) who liked mind control and other Bad Stuff (tm), so he was leaning quite a bit towards the dark side. One PC (Francesco) went ahead to scout, and coming upon a fork in the road, followed the right way. Artur and the third PC (Angelo) waited a while, then decided to follow him. Coming to the roadfork, they split up, hoping for one of them to find Francesco sooner. Artur went left, while Angelo went right.
A short while later, Angelo found Francesco.
Francesco: "Oh, there you are. Where's Artur?"
Angelo: "He... did not follow the right path."
Francesco: "OK - wait, do you mean metaphorically???"
Some time before, Angelo had become split from the group while exploring a monastery whose prior had a dirty secret. Angelo became trapped in the sacristy, hid, and when the door opened, he ambushed and struck down the prior, breaking his arm in the process. A short while later, pious Francesco finds Angelo, who recounts his adventures.
Angelo: "And then the door opened, and in came the boss of this whole place! I took a chalice and whacked him with it. Had to break his arm to take the mother****** down!"
Francesco (horrified): "You struck down the abbot in wrath?!"
Angelo: "Of course not, don't worry! It was only the prior, I'd never strike a holy abbot!"
Me: Alex Revera (Formerly Dak Revera, a Ninja/Pirate; I rerolled my character and claimed that Dak had been usurped by his brother), a Level 5 Rogue/Level 5 Dread Pirate
Brendan: 'Ziggy', a 23-year-old Rogue/Sorcerer with the mind of an 8-year-old. His familiar, a Raven, has to constantly stop him from doing stupid things.
Grey: A Duskblade who makes things dead. Very well.
The setup: We're currently in port, resupplying after a few months at sea. The locals don't like us (After all, we're pirates), but we managed to convince them that we're here just to get supplies. Most importantly, extra clothes for the crew, as we've only had the one outfit since we began our journey.
DM: You send the crew off to find clothes for themselves, as you wouldn't know the right sizes of everyone on the crew.
Duskblade: (OOC) Wait, how would they have money? We haven't really *paid* them...
Me: Well, there was that Stripper Night we had a while back...I lost a lot of singles that night.
DM: But there's no paper currency...it's all coins.
Me: Right. I gave them some gold coins.
Ziggy: (OOC) Clink, clink, clink.
DM: (Starts humming the theme to 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' with 'clink' sounds) Now you'll never be able to think of Rudolph without thinking of strippers. Enjoy.
We later learned of a blacksmith who is looking for his son, and that the barmaid at a tavern might have some information. Ziggy and I check it out.
DM: You walk in and see the barmaid, noticing that she is the only person in the bar who is wearing a pair of white gloves.
Ziggy: (Tries to ask her, but only ends up saying that he wants to find the blacksmith's son, who the barmaid knows has been dead for a long while)
Barmaid: Get out. Why would you say something like that? Seriously, leave now.
Me: *Smacks Ziggy upside the head* What's with the gloves?
Barmaid: Why would I tell you? You're just a bunch of pirates, you have no code of honor or anything.
Me: That's not true! We're not pirates! We're Preemptive Experts of the Nautical Institute of Salvaging!
DM: (Pieces it together) Screw you guys...
^niiiice.
Last night we were fighting some griffins, which insisted on flying around and attacking us from the air. As a melee fighter, I was somewhat unamused by this tactic. After trying several times to attack them when they got near me, I started getting creative.
Me: "I take make a running jump/charge attack, jumping off the back of that one we already killed"
DM: Roll some checks...
Me: *Rolls a 24 or so*
Fighter: Charges across the battlefield, screaming in frustration. Runs up the back of a dead griffin, makes a running jump, and misses the target by about 7 feet.
Other player: "Ha ha, white guys can't jump!"
(extra funny because I'm white and he's not. :rolleyes
I tried this two more times, when the target was closer to my ramp, but spectacularly failed my attack rolls (natural 3 and natural 1). On the natural 1, my weapon went flying.
Fighter:
DM: Wait, what?!? You are going to make a grappling hook out of a hammer?!?
Me: Yes. Yes I am.
In the end, I never got to use it because the last two monsters were killed that turn. Also, when we finally got to the city, the FIRST THING I bought was a Distance Throwing Hammer of Return.
Screw you ranged monsters. Screw you.
And now you see the biggest fail in a fighter. Yea, they can pick up a bow, but they aren't likely to have much dex unless they are ranged primary. And if they are, there isn't anyone likely to be the frontliner.
Short background: the players had gotten retainer-happy and their sizable entourage included Vaath (NPC), a drow chef who totally knew his stuff. He was also an assassin who used the party as a front for his activities. He was always trying to steer them from the wilderness to cities where he had contracts. One day he was on a very tight schedule:
VAATH: There's a shop in there with some ingredients I really need.
UFFY: I think we'll be all right. We've got the staples.
VAATH: STAPLES?!? A GREAT CHEF LIKE ME WORKING WITH STAPLES? I require more than the mere basics! Anyone can whip up a gruel, but I create masterpieces!
UFFY: Beans and torillas will handle us just fine.
VAATH: But I need these things!
UFFY: They'll be there when we come back. You can get them then.
VAATH: No he won't! I mean it won't. They won't. Very rare and only in season for a short period, like right before the coronation, just as they're reading the ceremony and the guards are distracted...
And now you see the biggest fail in a fighter. Yea, they can pick up a bow, but they aren't likely to have much dex unless they are ranged primary. And if they are, there isn't anyone likely to be the frontliner.
I know.
To be fair, I think the DM was just getting in one last hurrah. I've been talking about it for about a month (OOC time) now, but we were in the wilderness and never got to a big city until just now. For that matter, we were on the way to the big city when the battle took place.
Anyway, it was pretty funny at the time, and the DM gave us all bonus XP for our creative use of corpses and for the hammer trick.
I had been overshadowing the ranged units a bit, and it was cool that they got their moment to shine. The warlock in particular had some fun, because he got to immobilize one of the bastards, half-killing it with fall damage in the process. He also killed one while it was flying over me, and it nearly fell on my head until he realized the power he used allowed him to push the target. :D
Me and the rogue are talking OOC and he lists off his feats (we're leveling). now i'm doing math and it seems like he's got one too many.
Me: Uh... i think you've got one feat too many.
Rogue player: i've taken a flaw from unearthed arcana, inattentive.
Me: What's inattentive?
FLGS owner busts out laughing at this point from behind the counter. i sounded absentminded as i was trying to figure out what that flaw did from memory and sounded, well... inattentive. the rest of the group joins in laughter as they realized what i just said.
GM- you enter the Wood
player- what kind of Wood
GM- a big forrest...
player- are there trees in there?
GM-yes there are treees in the wood...
player- is it tall trees?
GM- yes the trees are realy tall....
player- how do thay look like?
GM- old...
player- what color are they?
GM- brown and green i think....
player- do thay have leefs?
GM- yes they have....
player- are there leaf on the ground?
GM- yes.. and there are also ground on the ground....
player- how do the ground look like?
GM- like ground.... nothing special...
player- hmm.... i want to search the leefs on the ground
GM- you find leefs
player- enything else?
GM- the ground....
player- can i put the ground in my backpack?
GM- yess you may fill your backpack whith ground....
player- so what time is it?
GM- it about to be nigth... it a litte shady and you are infront of a forrest...
player-what am i satding on?
GM- the ground....
player- but the ground is in my backpack....
GM- ohh for THE LOVE OF ****!!!
Like that one?
Rogue: Okay, thats it! I'm going to use my daily!
Me: Uh, you sure? This is only the first fight.
Rogue: I don't care he's REALLY making me angry!!
Me: K
Wizard: Don't roll a 1!
*rogue rolls a 1*
The rest of the group cracks up and the rogue player stared at the dice for a couple seconds. Also, we go with a house-rule that if you roll a 1, you have to roll again to see if you critically miss (like hit yourself or something)
Wizard: I told you not to!
DM: Ummmm.... k.... see if you critically miss...
Rogue: Gah...
*rolls a 20*
Rogue:
DM: ok....whose turn is it now...
And to make it worse, it was the hobgoblins turn next and it critted him.
Like that one?
That'll do, although I was thinking more the classic one where you slap your forehead and slide your hand down your face, a la "The Three Stooges".
Binder: Varied name, due to his completely chaotic nature.
Spirit Guide: A homebrew class, this is based on guiding spirits to the afterlife.
Grey: Not entirely sure what class he picked...he throws Javelins.
Me: A Monk/Sorcerer/Enlightened Fist. I love channeling Shocking Grasp into a fist.
So here's where we are: we're basically at an inn in a world that has been lifebloomed, so animals are absolutely thriving in the nearby area. The most common example is the 'Delkboose'. Here's how it came to be.
DM: Alright, you're going out to hunt for food in the form of Delkboose.
Me: Delkboose?
Grey: Because of the lifebloom, there's a new form of life made of Deer. And Elk. And Bears. And Moose.
DM: Right. So you're searching for Delkboosen...
Me: Where'd the extra '-en' come from?
DM: Well, from the Moosen, obviously.
Later on, we had to fight a giant thunder lizard who, on its turn, promptly began devouring our Spirit Guide. By the end of combat, he was at -1 HP, dying, and with the stomach acids still in the beast, about to become the DM's first player kill.
Binder: Don't worry, one of my visages allows me to heal. You should be fine.
Grey: Yeah, but he has to get out of there first.
DM: Alright, so the Monk cuts him out, and good times are had.
Me: ...cuts him out with what? My fist?
We had one other interesting moment. Our Binder got ahold of a special weapon that is built for breaking weapons. I believe the damage for sundering something was 2d8 + 2d6 + 2x Strength + 1. So, of course, it was used in the next encounter against an assassin and his three minions.
DM: The assassin tumbles backwards and pulls out a bow, preparing to shoot you next turn because he realizes that it's a bad idea to get into close combat (Stares at me).
Binder: Hmm...so fire damage is only 1d6, right?
DM: Yes...
Binder: And I'll take 3 attacks of opportunity if I run towards him, right?
DM: Yes...
Binder: Alright. I light myself on fire and charge at the assassin.
Everyone: ...
DM: Wait, you're just going to charge him and fight?
Binder: No, I'm going to cut his !@#$ing bow in half.
We had all seen his insanity before, but none of us expected what he did. He actually did it very well; two of the attacks of opportunity missed, and the third did negligible damage (As he was just over 100 HP at that point). He did what he said he would, and shattered the bow like a twig. I think he ended up doing 60 damage to the bow, which broke it beyond all recognition.
We had one other interesting moment. Our Binder got ahold of a special weapon that is built for breaking weapons. I believe the damage for sundering something was 2d8 + 2d6 + 2x Strength + 1. So, of course, it was used in the next encounter against an assassin and his three minions.
DM: The assassin tumbles backwards and pulls out a bow, preparing to shoot you next turn because he realizes that it's a bad idea to get into close combat (Stares at me).
Binder: Hmm...so fire damage is only 1d6, right?
DM: Yes...
Binder: And I'll take 3 attacks of opportunity if I run towards him, right?
DM: Yes...
Binder: Alright. I light myself on fire and charge at the assassin.
Everyone: ...
DM: Wait, you're just going to charge him and fight?
Binder: No, I'm going to cut his !@#$ing bow in half.
We had all seen his insanity before, but none of us expected what he did. He actually did it very well; two of the attacks of opportunity missed, and the third did negligible damage (As he was just over 100 HP at that point). He did what he said he would, and shattered the bow like a twig. I think he ended up doing 60 damage to the bow, which broke it beyond all recognition.
That...was just epic.
Anyways, one of the players (Nick) asked for the PDF of one of the books on the flash drive. I tell him that he can use it, but he can't open two of the folders that have my campaign notes.
We've just entered an encounter killing a bunch of undead when I hear across the table -
Nick: "Your character dies?"
Me:
"STOP READING!" Other players: "What?"
Nick: "No, it's a jpeg..."
Me:
*remembers name of cat pic is named 'yourcharacterdies'* "Oh... right... I know what you meant." Other players:
"Well, I guess we know a plot point now." Me: *headdesk*
I have a BAD poker-face...
(BTW, I haven't quite decided what I want to do with my NPC since the rest of the party wants to keep her around, but IF she dies fighting the next boss I won't really care.)
My character has followed an alchemist back to his lab where we find his lab destroyed and something important stolen. The alchemist scry the location of the stolen item and we see a bard and a cultist fighting in town. The scrying he's using is more of a rift in reality so that I can attack from where we are.
Me: Hm, can I pass through this?
Alchemist: Well, in theory it should be possible...
Me: That's good enough for me!
I jump through the rift.
DM: When you enter the rift you sense it crushing down on you. Reality attacks you, *rolls*... but your will is stronger than the reality itself...
Reality attacks you, *rolls*... but your will is stronger than the reality itself...
So you're playing Jessica Sorrow, then?
(Cookie to those who get the reference.)
DM: The assassin tumbles backwards and pulls out a bow, preparing to shoot you next turn because he realizes that it's a bad idea to get into close combat (Stares at me).
Binder: Hmm...so fire damage is only 1d6, right?
DM: Yes...
Binder: And I'll take 3 attacks of opportunity if I run towards him, right?
DM: Yes...
Binder: Alright. I light myself on fire and charge at the assassin.
Everyone: ...
DM: Wait, you're just going to charge him and fight?
Binder: No, I'm going to cut his !@#$ing bow in half.
We had all seen his insanity before, but none of us expected what he did. He actually did it very well; two of the attacks of opportunity missed, and the third did negligible damage (As he was just over 100 HP at that point). He did what he said he would, and shattered the bow like a twig. I think he ended up doing 60 damage to the bow, which broke it beyond all recognition.
http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=14&issue=4
http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=15&issue=4
He does have a point, I must admit...
http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=14&issue=4
http://drmcninja.com/page.php?pageNum=15&issue=4
He does have a point, I must admit...
and people ask why my dnd outfits are fireproof
DM: Searching among his possessions, you find this parchment [hands letter over to me]
Me: [Looking over the letter] Hmmmmm.....I see. Very interesting.
Another player: Well? What does it say, man?
Me: Fool, I can't read!
This one happened in our last session. We dispatched an enemy and found among his belongings a letter. The DM went to the trouble of writing the letter out on a sheet of paper.
DM: Searching among his possessions, you find this parchment [hands letter over to me]
Me: [Looking over the letter] Hmmmmm.....I see. Very interesting.
Another player: Well? What does it say, man?
Me: Fool, I can't read!
That one has a double-dose of irony and humour.
So you're playing Jessica Sorrow, then?
(Cookie to those who get the reference.)
Jessica Sorrow the Unbeliever from the Nightside. First appearance was John Taylor returning her Teddy Bear to her so she'd stop accidentally destroying the city.
I, personally, believe that the Angel War was not, in fact, his fault.
The two players involved in this one were:
Tammy-playing an elven druid and
Anderson-playing a Hound Archon Paladin
Tammy was looking through the PHB checking out her upcoming abilities when she blurted out "Hey Anderson! Next level you can mount me!"
(referring to her shapechange ability and Anderson's special mount.)
The room was dead silent for what I'm sure were a very long ten seconds to Tammy as she turned stroke level red. :embarrass
Needless to say we never let her live that one down.
Jessica Sorrow the Unbeliever from the Nightside. First appearance was John Taylor returning her Teddy Bear to her so she'd stop accidentally destroying the city.
I, personally, believe that the Angel War was not, in fact, his fault.
It was his fault, but only technically.
He was set up to be the cause, so they'd have an excuse, however flimsy, to attack the Nightside. At least he won.
Ben (My brother): I've had enough of this. I walk out of the tent and take out my spyglass to look at the enemy camp.
DM: alright, but it's pretty far off. You'll need to make a spot check to see *1 20 later* ... right. You can see that the enemy general is lounging in his war tent, listening relaxedly as his advisors inform him that they have a supremely greater military force, and that there is no chance of loss barring a miracle. (My brother took a homebrew feat called lip reading)
Ben: I can see him, right? That means I can aim for him. I take out my bow and Aim for the general.
DM: alright, but your a serious ways off, and you can't actually see him without the spyglass. I'm imposing a -20 on your attack for not actually being able to see your target, on top of those range penalties.
Ben: *Rolls a 20*
Party and DM:
DM: right... well... roll to confirm *Another 20* aaaaaaannnnd one more time *Another 20* oh sweet mother of god. After letting the arrow go, you take up your spyglass again, and easily pinpoint the general once more. however, for a while your sight is blocked by your arrow as it sails through the air. suddenly, the relaxed expression on the general's face sags, an incredulous stunned look on the faces of his advisors. Suddenly, they realize that he has been killed by an arrow and launch into action. Alarms go off and soldiers scramble over every rock looking for the assassin. of course, they don't find any, as their maximum search distance is 500 feet, while you're safely at the other camp. The advisors are screaming, trying to keep order.
Ben: I walk back into the tent
DM as Ally Warleader: "And so basically we need to retreat and what the hell is with that ridiculous smile on your face? *Listens for a moment* are those... alarms?
Ben: "let me put it this way - We don't have to worry about their amazing general any more."
Ben's character was forever referred to thereafter as Jackson Longshot
Cast: Me, my roomie G, and our friend J.
Background: I'm running an Aberrant game atm, which is a semi-super hero-ish game. In the same vein as Mutants and Masterminds. We're sitting around, and the conversation turns to one of the NPCs, a fellow named Crab. Specifically, his powers.
Me: Well, considering his name is Crab, we could give him Animal Mastery...(note: This lets you talk to/command animals.)
G: A limited Animal Mastery, that only works on crustaceans.
Me: *nodding*
G: It's a very shellfish power.
Me and J:
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO!?
J: That's it! No more! Your pun privilege is revoked!
I was DMing a 3.X campaign and we had just wrapped up the evenings session. The session had resulted in the party leveling. I like to take a very hands on approach to DMing and remained in the room to answer any questions and to talk to the players.
The two players involved in this one were:
Tammy-playing an elven druid and
Anderson-playing a Hound Archon Paladin
Tammy was looking through the PHB checking out her upcoming abilities when she blurted out "Hey Anderson! Next level you can mount me!"
(referring to her shapechange ability and Anderson's special mount.)
The room was dead silent for what I'm sure were a very long ten seconds to Tammy as she turned stroke level red. :embarrass
Needless to say we never let her live that one down.
Natural 1 on her wisdom check :heehee
@eshen: Show your brother the thread about getting the maximum distance on a bow. I believe they are up to shooting from the base of the mariana's trench and hitting a distant galaxy.
Natural 1 on her wisdom check :heehee
[Original removed due to irrelevance.]
Yup.
I was DMing a 3.X campaign and we had just wrapped up the evenings session. The session had resulted in the party leveling. I like to take a very hands on approach to DMing and remained in the room to answer any questions and to talk to the players.
The two players involved in this one were:
Tammy-playing an elven druid and
Anderson-playing a Hound Archon Paladin
Tammy was looking through the PHB checking out her upcoming abilities when she blurted out "Hey Anderson! Next level you can mount me!"
(referring to her shapechange ability and Anderson's special mount.)
The room was dead silent for what I'm sure were a very long ten seconds to Tammy as she turned stroke level red. :embarrass
Needless to say we never let her live that one down.
Well at least it's an incentive to level up. :D
Okay, I have one. Not D&D, but...
Cast: Me, my roomie G, and our friend J.
Background: I'm running an Aberrant game atm, which is a semi-super hero-ish game. In the same vein as Mutants and Masterminds. We're sitting around, and the conversation turns to one of the NPCs, a fellow named Crab. Specifically, his powers.
Me: Well, considering his name is Crab, we could give him Animal Mastery...(note: This lets you talk to/command animals.)
G: A limited Animal Mastery, that only works on crustaceans.
Me: *nodding*
G: It's a very shellfish power.
Me and J:
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO!?
J: That's it! No more! Your pun privilege is revoked!
Jeeze man, you're so crabby. Did you think I might just be a prawn in the big game of life? Huh?
:D
Well at least it's an incentive to level up. :D
In more ways than one, if you know what I mean.
Brand New Player: Ok I grab nightshade and wolfsbane and hemlock--
DM: What are those? I didn't mention any of the foods or ingredients by name.
Player 2: Those are poisons.
DM: Oh, right. You probably ought to check the Alchemy room you just came from, rather than the kitchen.
Player 3: But alchemy is chemicals. Those are plants. Check the botanical room.
DM: I didn't say there WAS a botanical room.
Brand New Player: Afterwards I pickpocket a few coins from the sorceror.
DM: Well you gotta roll, you can't just decide that!
Player 2: You gotta tell the DM what you're doing and you will usually have to roll for it! Go to the alchemy room and search for the poisons.
Player 3: No, go to the botanical room to search for the poisons.
DM: THERE IS NO BOTANICAL ROOM!
Player 4: ...hey guys, there's a kitchen! I grab some hemlock.
@eshen: Show your brother the thread about getting the maximum distance on a bow. I believe they are up to shooting from the base of the mariana's trench and hitting a distant galaxy.
what thread is that? can you link it?
:D
:evillaugh :heeheehttp://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=790798
:D
*head asplodes*
*head asplodes*
*that is, after being shot by a sniper standing 13 miles away. then everything glass in his possession breaks*
I haven't seen this story posted anywhere else, but it deserves some kind of recognition.
I ran a short game back in 4th grade, at the place where my church held it's catechism classes on the weekends. We'd started playing in the parking lot after class, but then Sister Maria let us use the classroom after she found us all huddled around a map in the entryway, trying to not let the books get soaked by the rain.
So we taught her to play.
[NOTE: I took the rest out of the quotes to preserve the formatting, and stuff]
Sister Maria loved the game like a little kid loves birthday presents.
(She was a bit excitable sometimes, lol.)
She played a cleric named Sister Maria the Benevolent.
(Never roll dice with the clergy - she could roll a natural 20 on a D6...but that's a different story.)
So this sweet, cheerful nun is playing, basically, a sweet, cheerful nun, walking around feeding the poor and healing the sick, and having a wonderful time.
Being that she was a new player, and nice enough to let us play after class, I told her that her character had the ability to pull off any miracle that one of the Saints had performed. Sister Maria didn't wear armor, and carried only a walking stick. She generally hung back during a fight, healing people and watching the party's backs.
Except when they fought undead or evil clerics.
Then she turned into Sister Maria the Righteously Wrathful Buttkicker For The Lord, lol. Having absolutely no understanding of the combat rules, and more dice-rolling luck than anybody who's not on God's payroll could ever dream of, she was absolutely fearless about charging into combat swinging her walking stick like it was a +5 mace of disruption.
She'd get all happy when she hit something, and it was hysterical to see this short chubby Hispanic woman with glasses going "whoohoo!" when when she rolled max damage.
One time they were fighting the BBEG, who was a vampire, and they were doing pretty good against it. Sister Maria was getting into it like an armchair quarterback during the Superbowl.
Then, all of a sudden, the BBEG grabs her by the front of her robe and slams her into the wall of the wine cellar that he was using for his crypt. He starts making a comeback, scoring a few major hits and knocking the wiz unconscious, all the while holding her up off the floor with one hand.
Finally Sister Maria just gets this huge grin on her face and says...
"I reach back over my head with both hands and grab two of the water jugs from the shelf."
Then she recited (in character) the actual blessing that Catholic priests use to make Holy Water, and smashed the jugs together over the BBEG's head...
...
I just had to give it to her. Sister Maria for the win.
I mean... just... y'know?
It was a great moment, but the best part was Sister Maria's reaction to taking out the bad guy....
Have you ever seen a NUN do a victory dance???
:DI would want to see it!
Player 1: I use my Thousand Cuts technique!
DM: You hit for 8 points, dealing a multitude of small but painful blows to every pressure point you can reach on your opponent's body.
Player 2: I attack the same guy with a Rising Phoenix kick.
DM: You critically hit for 12 points as you twirl in the air, making a solid connection to your opponent's jaw with both feet.
Player 4: Is he dead yet?
DM: No, but he looks bloodied.
Player 3: Let's see how he takes my Iron Palm Strike!
DM: You also critically hit for 12 points, slamming your open hand into your opponent's ribcage with incredible force. You hear several cracking noises.
Player 4: Is it my turn?
DM: Yep. What style do you plan to use?
Player 4: I punch him. Does he die?
DM: *rolls* ...Yes. You punch him and he dies.*Sigh*...
drow rogue
dwarf fighter
me - elf cleric
dm - "ok, you enter the mansion and immediatly the door slams shut and a magical barrier prevents you from opening it"
druid - "what do i notice about the mansion (rolls profession architect skill)"
dm - *describes the mansion and mentions its old and dried out, a large hole in the roof, and that its supported by a single intact pillar, then monster rush us*
*dwarf gets highest initiative roll*
dwarf ooc -ok guys anyone have any ideas wha-"
kobold - "OH! i have an idea! rush in and distract them, this plan is foolproof!
(to me)you still have raise dead prepaired right?"
me - "ummm... yes, should i be worried?
kobold - "NO WAY! this will totally work! distract them for a few rounds ill be right back!
*dwarf charges in, its my turn now, i proceed to use my broom of flying to fly to the hole and i cast warp wood on the pillar which caused the whole house to collapse on the party nearly killing everyone and killing most of the enemies*
everyone - what the %#^@?! whyd you do that!
kobold - dont worry i got this! im gunna cast flaming sphere on the wreckage to light it on fire and finish the job. then i wait for it to burn out and i use my scroll of raise dead to raise the cleric after i find his charred remains
me - y...you killed the dungeon*raises party*
What was the xp from it?
i forget exactly how much as it was a while ago but i know it wants very much as the dm was upset :P
So you're playing Jessica Sorrow, then?
(Cookie to those who get the reference.)
The Unbeliever, a Nightside being.:D
Edit: Darn, didn't notice someone beat me to it.
And the refrence made me remember I always wanted to design a Nightside campaign. Who wouldn't want to play Razor Eddie?
"what if it was a Lawful good Lich"
this point i have been arguing for awile and we decided in the end that YES there could be lawful good freindly liches.
Aran Ky (Me): Half-Elf Rogue 3/Assassin 7/Spellthief 3 (DM let me re-train 2 levels of Rogue)
Rose: Pixie(?) Fighter 1 (Somehow got a LA of +12 due to race and templates, redid her level because she gets spells through something else now)
Siaria: Human Mystic 13 (a ton of BoED feats and now has Divine Rank 1, the PC is probably going to retire the character soon)
Rami Rah: Elan Psion 11 (Currently looks a LOT like Kamina from TTGL)
"Rusty": Half-Human, Half-Dragon Knight 13 (new player, somehow related to Siaria)
Karma: DMPC that, as far as I know, is some sort of fey creature that can Charisma drain and had a large LA on her, with her gaining her first class level just now
So, to get caught up:
After being thrown forward almost 1000 years into the future (from us being about 175 years in the past) and seeing how f***ed up it is (majority of deities are CE, there's only the Material Plane that exists now) we ask the God of Time (one of the few who's NOT evil) to send us back to the "perfect time to where we can stop the Mortal Coil from being severed."
DM: Ok, roll me some d20s.
*Everyone rolls, I get highest roll*
DM: Ok, Aran, you see a bright flash of light before your vision adjusts. You're now in a forest.
Me: Ok, I fly up to see where I'm at.
DM: About 500 feet up you see a town about 20 miles off, near the coast.
Me (OOC): Wait... Is that...
DM: *grinning*
Me: Son of a *****.
------------------------------------
Eventually the rest of the party gets together and we get introduced to Rusty. He eventually pulls Siaria aside to talk in private.
Rusty: So, I finally meet you.
Siaria: What do you need?
Rusty: To put it simply... a name.
Siaria: ... Huh?
DM: You remember that red dragon you f***ed?
Siaria: ... Oh s***.
Rusty (OOC): Hi mommie *sticks hands out for a hug*
Siaria: Son of a *****.
-------------------------------------
Well, half of the party goes to the capital city to find out what's changed from our travels through the past, the most notable being that Mystra is now Neutral Evil, thanks to Siaria interfering with one important character, telling them to not research Necromancy spells, and to "be a good boy." The rest stays in the town, two being KO'ed by a minor artifact, the third trying to research how to heal us. During the meet and greet, Karma does what she does best: throw a monkey wrench into the works.
DM: *rolling on his d1000 Warptouch chart* Oh dear god... *rolls a d20 nine times* Oh dear god...
Me (OOC): how dead are they?
DM: You're unconscious because of looking at that book. Rami Rah, on the other hand, feels a vibration, similar to an earthquake, hit the mage's temple.
Rami Rah: I get up and go outside.
DM: There's a dust cloud about 30 feet in the air.
Rami Rah: I get onto my carpet and fly up to the top.
DM: Ok... 6 hours later...
Me: Son of a *****, what blew up?
DM: The majority of the capital city and approx. a 500 mile radius all around it just got flattened. When you crit 9 times on a d12 sonic explosion that doubles its radius of damage for every crit, its like having a meteor hit the continent. Oh, and Siaria, Rose, and Karma died. Rusty's barely about positive HP, his cohort is at 0, Karma's got Contingency and Resurrection on her, so she's ok. Siaria will get Reincarnated shortly there-after, but Rose got vaporized; she can only come back with a True Ressurection now, and no one can cast it.
Everyone else: Son of a *****!
Me: ... Well, think of it this way; you wanted to build a city Siaria. Well, now you've got about 2000 square miles of prime real estate. Have fun with that.
There are good liches, i read something in a dnd book somewhere, i think it was Race of the Wild, and it said that most goodly liches are elves who became liches to protect their descendants.
Yeah, because elves are just AwesomeSue like that.
There are good liches, i read something in a dnd book somewhere, i think it was Race of the Wild, and it said that most goodly liches are elves who became liches to protect their descendants.
The old spell jammer books have two of these, I remember one crash landed and just wants to have more fun adventuring (pre-prepared DMPC, the stuff only 2ed can get away with), and the other was researching a black holes.
His description of his new appearance?
" I look normal. Everything about me is normal. I am a very forgettable face. My hat of disguise is a big paper hat with with the words ' I am normal' written on the side."
Event one:
We were traveling between two different towns after doing some minor quests. We got stopped by a single goblin asking for a toll. (The DM was doing a very high pitched and squeeky voice for the goblin). We argued with the goblin for a while saying there was no way he could beat us but he was quite sure he could kill us if we resisted.
I got fed up and through a throwing axe at the goblin, trying to catch him off guard. The axe hit a tree by him and the goblin just stared at me. In the same squeeky voice the DM yelled out, "Oooh! Now you pay double!" and the table cracked up laughing.
I tried to hit him about four times after that but kept missing, the goblin just kept yelling. Eventually I hit him and he teleported away.
Event two:
We had reached the town we were traveling to and we decided to go to the tavern were there was a free magic show playing. After some mundane (level one wizard) tricks he called for volunteers. Our party (of course) got brought up with the some other random guys. The wizard put us under a sheet and we all disappeared.
We awoke in a dungeon where we had to solve many traps and beat many monsters. One of the NPCs locked in with us went crazy so we had to tie him up (unfortunately when we went to leave the room it began to flood and he got left behind... still tied up). After hours of combat and problem solving we got out of the dungeon... Into a broom closet... We stepped out to see that it was the bar's broom closet and we had only been gone seconds. Everyone in the bar gasped at how we appeared all bloodied and exhausted. Then an epic exchange took place.
(One of the other players), "What the **** did you do to us?!?!"
(Stage Magician), "I didn't do anything." <- He says this with a smirk
(Me) "**** you!"
I then threw one of my axes at him for being so annoying and smirky.
Natural 20.
The exchange took only 5 seconds.
I most likely ****** off the DM with that one- i think he was setting us up for an epic quest with one of the NPCs that was in the dungeon with us but we all had to skip town for murder... I would have tried to bluff my way out but you know- about 60 witnesses...
The wizard put us under a sheet and we all disappeared.
We awoke in a dungeon where we had to solve many traps and beat many monsters. One of the NPCs locked in with us went crazy so we had to tie him up. After hours of combat and problem solving we got out of the dungeon... Into a broom closet... We stepped out to see that it was the bar's broom closet and we had only been gone seconds. Everyone in the bar gasped at how we appeared all bloodied and exhausted.
awesome! I really have to pull that trick on my players.
Fun thing about psionics- almost nothing to notice that you are the one who blew the
's head up.So being the good PCs we set about seeing to the town and gathering information on what happened - we eventually find this dungeon that the enemy were holed up in and set about freeing everyone. We clear the entire dungeon apart from one room. So as the rest are seeing to the captives outside I decide to open the door. Turns out we missed the hardest solo creature in the dungeon, who just happened to be behind the last door. So there I am, half HP against a dwarf level god knows solo.
This was one of the rare times I decided to run.. So I use a magic item and teleport my speed away and start running down the corridor. Unsure how to get my parties attention i turn to the only means on hand.. I shout.. "DWARF ON THE LOOSE!" And burst out the dungeon with the dwarf close behind. Suffice to say the rest of the group didn't let me live that one down
Halfing rogue tries as he might but can not twist or pop the lid off (faild STR check). Tosses it to the human ranger who pops it open with ease. The halfing scoffs and says "yeah... I loosened it for ya!"
Me in character: And what may I refer to my lord as?
Regal looking guy: You may refer to me as the Evenstar.
Me out of character: Wait, you mean the Evenstar? As in, the Morningstar?
DM: Yes.
Me OOC: You mean the morningstar as in Lucifer?
DM: Yes.
Me OOC: @#$!#%!!^!^#@!%!
Me: Melting faces in the name of my goddess!
DM: Oh, this is going to get interesting. Especially considering the party fighter.
Me: Huh?
DM: LE, and he described the character as being 'KGB' in tone and tactics.
Me: ...Can I melt his face in the name of my goddess?
DM: I'm going to be hearing that a lot, aren't I?
Me: :D Yuuuuup.
I can't wait for this campaign to get going. I especially can't wait to get my next feat - DM gave me permission to use the Reserve Feats from Complete Mage. Mmmmm, melty...
Me: 'First, I want to see how far I can go before I get into legal trouble, especially since I know I am going to get into legal trouble. Second, if I make myself a large enough nusance, the people I need be rid of to pursue my "other" goals will be glad I'm not around. And third, if I set myself up as a fool, they would never believe a fool did the things I know I may have to do, for their own good.'
DM:
... Okay, but your still being annoying.Me: :D
As the DM describes the town I realised something.
Me: Hang on, if all the farmers are bringing goods into town but not bringing anything back... That ain't right. I mean, an apple farmer goes to town with apples, he needs to pick up milk, cheeses, salted meats, cloth, all the sort of things he doesn't grown in order to make the winter, especially since it is already late fall'
DM: Roll Knowledge(Local).
Me: :makes it:
DM: You know that the local farmers matain residences in the city. The difficult winters and it's location on the edge of the wild lands make this place especially difficult for living, so most individuals tend to live in the city durring the winter months for mutual protection.
Me: Bravo... Really didn't expect a concise answer, though you may have overthought this campaign a little bit.
Setup
One of our players re-rolled a character, because he wanted to play a bard. After the first encounter with the new character, we decided to have some fun.
We were exploring a wizard's tower (Spellguard from Forgotten Realms, if that helps), and the ranger had tamed a wild spider earlier. Being the party wizard for this campaign, I devised a devious plan.
We had the spider spin a small web on the ceiling, and two characters climbed up there to hide. Meanwhile, I prepared a slew of Pre-something-illusion spells, altering the appearance of the bard, myself, and a tiefling swordmage enough to look less threatening. In fact, we looked like the housekeeping staff.
What happened
The bard knocks on a door we've heard talking behind.
The talking stops, and we hear people approaching the door.
"Who's there?"
"Room service. We have your tea and crumpets"
*the door opens, and a fireball shoots out and hits the bard in the face.
"Guys! That didn't work!"
Part of the humor was that we were all standing around the table, and he simply looks up, looks right at me, and delivers the line deadpan. Cracked us up for several minutes.
On a slightly more mean-spirited note, here's another story:
We entered this old church, and encountered some vampires. The fighter immediately runs out to the center of the church, and yells to get their attention. All the vampires flock to his side and attack him. So much for a surprise round.
He then spends his next turn making two close burst daily attacks, totally annihilating 5 minions. He didn't clue in to the fact at first, but when I killed one with a single magic missile he finally got it. :P
Other player: "Dude, that's hillarious! A big ol' barbarian charging a pony and then leaping off for the attack! haha!"
Barbarian: "HAHA, WOW! That's an EXCELLENT idea! Ok, DM, I'm going to charge my pony towards the Giant, and then I'm going to leap off the pony, rage in midair, and hit the Giant with a raged, charged attack."
Other player: "...um. Do you have like 8 INT in real life or something?"
Kicker: He succeeded his ride check, rolled a 20 on his jump check, and scored a critical hit on the attack. This has since become his signature move.
We were rolling rather badly trying to kill off some enhanced undead in a desecrated area.
THREE critical fumbles resulted in weapons flying out of peoples hands, except for one who had a locked gauntlet.
Weapon List:
Morning Star - flew 10' to hit the kobold marshal (my character) for a critical hit.
Medium Maul - flew 20' to hit the kobold marshal for another critical hit.
Small Maul wielded by my character - slipped out of my hand and the locked gauntlet resulted it in hitting my own character, not a crit, but rolled max damage.
Reactions:
Vomak (small lizardfolk Warlock / Scout): BWAHAHAHAH (he failed his Will save and fell prone laughing)
Orix the Hammer (Kobold Marshal): Do we need to have another chat about party loyalty? HIT THE UNDEAD, NOT ME!
Same fight, finally finished off the peon undead and get to go after their boss.
Orix charges the BBEG, (Vomak's player uses his cell phone to play the Benny Hill chase music), and misses with his hit.
Orix (Diplomacy 23): I don't suppose we could talk about this like civilized beings, could we?
BBEG: *swings his sword, crits on Orix, rolls max damage on weapon dice and the unholy property damage die*
Orix: That would be a no? Ow.
You gotta admit, either that DM is dedicated and smart, or he's really good at winging it!
What is the difference? :D
Something heard far to often in my group.
DM: You do ongoing fire damage.
Player: "Burn baby burn! Disco inferno."
I wanted to loot the treasury of a Kingdom we conqured recently. ZI just wanted abotu 10k Gold to get a suit of Mithril Fullplate. (Duskblade. I'm NOT going to wear normal Full Plate.)
My teammates tell me no, because the farmland has been devastated from the recent Wars. Plural.
And then I find out MY food is being Rationed.
So I roll a Knowledge(The Planes) check to see if I know a place with a lot of surplus food.
DM: Well, there is the plane of Growth.
Me: A demiplane?
DM: yes.
Me OOC: not again! (the last Demiplane I was on fell apart on me. After I killed a couple of vampires with butterflies.)
So, I formulate a plan.
30 minutes later. It's 2:30 AM.
Me: I raise my finger and say: I HAVE A PLAN!!!!!!!!!
My friends proceed to laugh like mad for a few seconds. And then they remember my character's mindset. (Bloodthirsty.)
Everyone: Oh, crap.
I have the soldiers from the conquered Kingdom rehabilitate the farmlands, and I have oune of our Rangers cast Plant Growth(Energize) on all of the farmland, for the following year, and I grab someone with plane shift and Teleport spells.
By this time, it was 3am. I needed to drive back home and sleep.
EDIT: this was my third or fourth plan. The first plan was Divine Intervention. But none of us were sure who the Norse god(dess) of the Harvest is. (This also procceded to annoy me, as I could have spent my 2 fighter levels on Cleric of Fenrir instead. [If you can't tell, I like wolves.]) And Divine Intervention is never a good idea anyway.
Plan B: Have the Psion use Reality Revision to create massive stores of food. He Nixed that idea.
Plan C: Create Food and Water. No Clerics. (and no NPC clerics willing to spend their time.)
Plan D: Epic Rod of Paradise. There was enough room, but someone would still need to fix the fields.
So, Plan E, as outlined above. I figure I'll go to the Demiplane of Growth, and then entreat the denizens to trade with us, either a one-time large transfer of non-perishables, or a several month trade for goods and/or services of a smaller quantity.
I'm hoping they have a problem that can be solved by gratuitous application of 7HfHEP rule 37: There is no overkill, there is only "open fire" and "I need to reload." My character is very much geared towwards combat.
Barbarian: "I charge my pony towards the Giant, and then I'm going to leap off the pony, rage in midair, and hit the Giant with a raged, charged attack."
Other player: "Dude, that's hillarious! A big ol' barbarian charging a pony and then leaping off for the attack! haha!"
Barbarian: "HAHA, WOW! That's an EXCELLENT idea! Ok, DM, I'm going to charge my pony towards the Giant, and then I'm going to leap off the pony, rage in midair, and hit the Giant with a raged, charged attack."
Other player: "...um. Do you have like 8 INT in real life or something?"
Kicker: He succeeded his ride check, rolled a 20 on his jump check, and scored a critical hit on the attack. This has since become his signature move.
Oh, god, win.
Here's one from a, er, interesting campaign - my friend was DMing for once (this is normally my chair) and we were going to play a modern-world 4th-edition game with the loose objective of restoring the balance of magic, or some such.
Anyway, he was giving us a "character quiz" to determine our race and class (with the option to repick if we really disliked) and we were all feeling a little silly...
DM: Okay, so if you could do anything in the world, what would you do?
P1: Murder everyone.
Me: Werewolf/spaceship pilot.
P2: Steal stuff and smoke blunts.
DM: ...and if you had a billion dollars, what would you spend it on?
P1: A bullet for every man, woman, and child on the Earth.
Me: Spaceship parts.
P2: A grappling hook, some lockpicks, drugs, rims for my Caddy, and girls.
DM:
Okay, come on, guys, can you please be serious?P1: But I have to be 7 billion and 0 or I won't get into a guild.
Me: I immediately turn into werewolf form, so I can pilot my spaceship better, away from the incoming DM smite. (carryover joke from WoD, where this is theoretically how it can work)
P2: *without saying anything, while we're talking, casually reaches over and slides the DM's Guide out of the DM's lap and behind his back, then slowly places it onto his own head without the DM initially noticing*
Needless to say, we got off to a slow start...
Small Maul wielded by my character - slipped out of my hand and the locked gauntlet resulted it in hitting my own character, not a crit, but rolled max damage.
This armored gauntlet has small chains and braces that allow the wearer to attach a weapon to the gauntlet so that it cannot be dropped easily. It provides a +10 bonus on any roll made to keep from being disarmed in combat. Removing a weapon from a locked gauntlet or attaching a weapon to a locked gauntlet is a full-round action that provokes attacks of opportunity.
... What the heck's the purpose of having Locked Gauntlets if they don't even help you?
... What the heck's the purpose of having Locked Gauntlets if they don't even help you?
No Disarm? :D
Yes, and if you can't easily be disarmed, and it takes you a full round to remove a weapon manually from locked gauntlets, how is a weapon going to fly out - or "slip out" - of them from a miss?
It is worded weird, but I took it to mean that it was supposed to slip out of his hand. However, he had a locked gauntlet to prevent it from falling, so the result was that he accidentally hit himself instead of losing the weapon. That's how I took it.
Early in the campaign, we were in the standard pub in between adventures. My character has a set of darts that he carries with him to challenge people to games of darts and win beer money (but he's not very good at it). I completely blow a roll to hit the unarmed, unmoving dartboard. The dart flies across the main room of the tavern and hits a barmaid. She screams ... and her rather awesome cleavage becomes suddenly rather less awesome.
Me (goggling): Barmaids are inflatable?!?
(Barmaid, incensed, hits me across the face with her tray) *WHANG*!!!
Me: ... Ooh, I think I'm in love ...
It is worded weird, but I took it to mean that it was supposed to slip out of his hand. However, he had a locked gauntlet to prevent it from falling, so the result was that he accidentally hit himself instead of losing the weapon. That's how I took it.
That is pretty much how it went. It slipped out of my character's hand (rolled a 1 on the to hit roll, rolled a 1 when rolling to avoid the critical failure), then because of the gauntlet, he had me roll a to hit to see if I hit myself with it. Fortunately, this time a crit was not rolled.
The DM immediately yells: "CRIT!"
Lesson 3: The opportunity attack
Player 1: *stands up* "OK, someone come over here"
Player 2: *walks over to player 1*
New Player is watching, looking across the table.
Player 3, sitting across from me, turns around to watch as well
Me: *wack Player 3 with an empty pop bottle*
"THIS is an Opportunity Attack!"
We were teaching a new player what some of the terms were.
Lesson 3: The opportunity attack
Player 1: *stands up* "OK, someone come over here"
Player 2: *walks over to player 1*
New Player is watching, looking across the table.
Player 3, sitting across from me, turns around to watch as well
Me: *wack Player 3 with an empty pop bottle*
"THIS is an Opportunity Attack!"
I Lol'd.
However, looking away doesn't provoke an AoO.
Anyways, the party came under attack by a group of orcs- apparently my fault, since the DM told us they despised art and came to smash me. I was whirling through combat dabbing enemies with poisonous pigments.
DM: Alright, the three big orcs charge you. *checks his copy of our sheets* This does provoke an attack of opportunity for each.
*rolls are done to hit them, and I managed to crit the last one, so the DM decided to just take that one down. The following exchange happened IC*
Bard: "Ahah! This is an art attack!"
*Orc falls to the ground*
Bard: "And this is an art attack!"
*Second orc falls to the ground*
Bard: "Finally, this! THIS is your leader, lying on the ground, having an art attack."
*DM decided that the crit role made it a death effect, and the guy failed his save, had a heart attack, and died.*
The puns..... the puns...
That's what Makes it awesome.
I Lol'd.
However, looking away doesn't provoke an AoO.
Yah well.
Also, HOW has this thread not gotten a rating vote yet?!?
*votes now*
[edit]
I can't vote on it. Weird.
DM: So you pull the sword out all the way?
Me: Yeah.
DM: It's the same Adamantine Shortsword from before, but you can feel magic eminating from it.
Me: Detect Magic.
DM: Oh this thing is blinding you with Abjuration, Necromancy and Evocation schools. Also, there's another hilt in the sheath where the sword came from.
Me: ... Huh? I pull it out.
DM: Same sword, same enchantments. And there's another hilt.
Other player: Dude... Unlimited bladeworks!
DM: No, its not.
Me: ...Did you just turn the rogue into Gundam Exia (DM's on a BIIIIG Gundam 00 tanget atm)
DM: (thinks it over for a moment) Son of a b****.
And the other moment:
Me: Well, see you all in a few days then. *Gets up, trips over dog laying next to me. I drop - and then grab - the pencil in my hand, slide my backpack around to break my fall, and use my free hand to catch my (open) bag of dice before any fall out and the dog tries to eat them*
Everyone: Dude, you all right!?
Me: Reflex save... PASSED!
Me: Well, see you all in a few days then. *Gets up, trips over dog laying next to me. I drop - and then grab - the pencil in my hand, slide my backpack around to break my fall, and use my free hand to catch my (open) bag of dice before any fall out and the dog tries to eat them*
Everyone: Dude, you all right!?
Me: Reflex save... PASSED!
that reminds me of something I and my brother did once:
By brother Tripped me by putting one of his legs behind both of mine and pushing on my chest. you know, that classic move. as soon as I start falling he turns around and starts walking away, but rather than hit the ground I somehow manage to swing my legs out and land on my feet. he expected me to be on the ground at this point, and so wasn't worried before I socked him in the back of the head. much fighting ensued, but man that first bit was awesome.
DM: Oh this thing is blinding you with Abjuration, Necromancy and Evocation schools. Also, there's another hilt in the sheath where the sword came from.
Me: ... Huh? I pull it out.
DM: Same sword, same enchantments. And there's another hilt.
Other player: Dude... Unlimited bladeworks!
Should've gone for Mystic Eyes of Death Perception. UBW doesn't stand a chance against them.
'I attack the dracolich!'
There was another one in a different (one shot) campaign, where I was playing a Half-Orc Barbarian (Hack) who was deathly afraid of squirrels. My partner in this was playing a halfling druid (Beauregard).
We were walking through the forest at night, and we see a little glow in the distance. We go closer and find it's a small goblin camp. We suceeded our move silently and hide checks once we found it, before we looked at it more.
DM: So, you see 10 goblins, 7 asleep, on the ground outside the tents, and 3 around the campfire, chatting quietly with eachother. What do you do?
Him (OOC): I think I need to spy on them... I KNOW! Beauregard will use wild shape to turn into a squirrel! (he forgot Hack's supreme fear of squirrels)
Me (OOC, looking quizzically at him): Really?
Him (OOC): Yeah, I'm small, and not out of place in the forest, heck they probably won't even notice me.
Me (OOC): Ohkay... but... yeah... *sigh* this'll be fun.
DM: So, Beauregard turns into a squirrel, in front of Hack. You can RP this, right (talking to me)
Me: (OOC: yeah...)Hack suddenly leaps up screaming "NOOO! FUZZY THING BAD AT HACK! NO!" running from their bush, through the camp, arms flailing wildly.
Him (OOC): Oh... I forgot about that...
DM: *Rolls* (looks at me) Roll a D20.
Me: *rolls* 18
DM: *rolls* *Rolls again* *rolls some more* *rolls a final time* Ok. As you run through the camp, screaming, you cause the goblins to jump up. you plow straight through the firepit, kicking embers through the air. Your wildly swinging arms clotheslines one of the goblins, sending him knocking into the wooden bench, killing him. The embers that were kicked up fly into the face of another goblin, who reals in pain and agony, his face ablaze. The other watchguard attempts to attack you, yet your unpredictable movements cause him to miss, and fall face-first into the fire pit, and he catches on fire. You run screaming into the woods, and the sleeping goblins only awake quickly enough to see your form go into the darkness in the trees. The goblin who you kicked fire at is the only survivor of the watchguards, and will swear forevermore that Bigfoot had a grudge against him.
Him (ooc): Wow... I'll have to do that more often.
there is a warlord, ranger, warlock, wizard, and a pally standing in a massive arcane library which also happens to be the building for the wizards counsil upstairs. they were asked to take a number and please wait until it was called until depositing a "ticket reader like thing" and being teleported before the council. it went something like this.
DM(me): ok heres your number please feel free to roam as you please your ticket will flash once it has been called all you need to do it touch it and all who are touching it will be transported here.
Ranger: ok thank you so Daniel(warlord) what number is it?
Warlord: 335!
Pally: and what number are they on?!?
DM(me): Number 67!
Warlock: (to me) i hate you so much.
Ranger: well ok. why dont we try to bribe someone out of their ticket?
Warlord: "turns to the nearest wizard (who happened to be ON the council) picks him up and rolls intimidate (rolled a 2) and says "GIMMIE YOUR TICKET!!" (the warlord i may add was a minotour and not the smartest player anyways. lol he always set off all my traps) the wizard more shocked than afriad waved his hand and the warlord was promptly flung from the building.
upon return the ranger says this.
Ranger: HA! why dont you ask more politly?
Warlord: ok what number do we have?
Ranger: 335
Warlord: Ok now we just need to find the number that comes after 335.............what comes after 335?
we all burst into laughter at this because he was completly serious.
It's a 2-PC, 1 DMPC romp that was partly to test out the capabilities of a Ninja class somebody built online (Based on Naruto; not the actual Ninja class). Anyway, after a short time, the DM realized that I'm using shuriken, which would be very, very rare (Practically non-existent) in this setting. This is how we resolved it.
Me: (During combat) Alright, I'll throw a shuriken-
DM: Wait, you have shuriken?
Me: Yeah...I'm a ninja.
DM: You're using shuriken. In a barbarian camp setting.
Me: Err...yes.
DM: Care to explain how your character gets a-hold of these shuriken?
Me: Well, I have a supplier but the deal is, he calls me.
The DM cracked up, and let me keep it that way just because of my line.
"Okay, Ronin, your apartment needs some decoration badly. You take the ivory statue. Keldar should take the jade and cash it in for his church. Xillthrak, you take the necklace. That'll get the attention of that girl you've got a crush on. Deian, you're a wizard so that Staff of Storms should come in handy for you. Me? I'll just take the loose change."
We all almost fell for it.
Me: A Goliath Warden; stands 8 feet tall.
Grey: A Deva Wizard.
Brendon: A Deva Avenger...who is either overdressed or underdressed, depending on this situation.
Both Devas have suddenly appeared (Respawned) in the same area I have lived in my entire life; neither of them know anything about the area.
The first one was when we were discussing alignment - Grey had decided to go for Unaligned, and the DM pointed out that Devas were all supposed to be at least good-ish. (IE, either Good or Lawful Good) Here's what happened:
DM: Wait, you're a Deva, right? Your entire race is at least good-ish, you can't be unaligned.
Grey: ...err, why not?
Brendon: Because deviating from good turns you into the tigers with the backwards paws. What were they called?
DM: Rashkasa (Note: Intentional misspell; this is roughly how he pronounced it.)
Me: Rakshasa. (Pronouncing it correctly)
Brendon: Rakshasa, right.
DM: Yes, Rashkasa...
Me: (In a gravely tone of voice) I...killed...MUFASA!
Our second one happened a little later. The group has returned to my home village, which is under near-constant attack by undead that appeared out of nowhere. (That is, the bodies are human-sized, and nothing in the surrounding area is human-sized) We were deciding what to do next, which the DM gave us the options of either searching aimlessly for the source of the undead, hunt out the other tribes in the area (Of Hobgoblins and Shifters), or find a temple to Melora.
Side note: Up until this point, I have been calling the two Devas 'shortlings' - which is mainly because I am 8 feet tall, and both of them are barely over 6. The DM decreed that all Goliaths acted this way towards anything shorter than them (Which is a lot, if not all of the various player races).
Grey: Hmm, I'm kind of partial to finding the necromancer who's doing this. I'm always looking for new knowledge to discover.
Brendon: I hope you mean 'new knowledge to use against them', or else we might have some issues coming up.
Grey: Of course...but besides that, I don't think visiting the temple will help much, and I'm guessing the Hobgoblin tribes are hostile to us.
DM: (Heavy sarcasm) Yes. You know more about the inter-racial tribe politics than the Goliaths, who have been living here for, I don't know, CENTURIES, whereas you have only just arrived here a few days ago.
Grey: Well, I'm a skeptic at heart.
Me: Some people call you a skeptic. I call you a shortling.
I'm not sure what made this one so funny to us, but it was another case where we had to stop playing for a short amount of time to get over it. All in all, an interesting night, and I think I'm liking the Warden class.
Aw...I want more VD from New Oakbrook...
I'll bring the Penecillin.
Against constructs:
Skrag: Tin cans good smashing. Skrag like smashing. Skrag smash you now.
Against rats:
Skrag: Awww, who's a disease ridden pest? You are!
Brocc O. Lee, Gnome Cunning Bard: (OoC) I shoot the Dire Rat with my crossbow.
Skrag: NO! You no hurt Skrag fuzzy friend! (After the rat took a chunk from his leg.)
And the words that always seemed to draw a devastating hit:
Skrag: SKRAG... SMASH!
Commander: So, we have discovered a gateway under the great pyramids of Giza that we believe is connected to another world. We believe it was left there by an advanced alien race thousands of years ago that possibly masqueraded as Gods and enslaved the local population. We have collected experts from every imaginable field (us) and will be sending you through the gateway to explore and observe the other side. This mission is incredibly dangerous, we have taken every precaution but we cannot guarantee your safety. You are all being given the opportunity to participate in what could be the most important discovery in human history, now do we have any questions?
At this point the techie and me (charasmatic hero) look at each other and i raise my hand.
Commander: Yes, you in the back?
Me: We were wondering where Colonel O'Neil was, and if it is at all possible if we can be put in with his squad?
The entire table proceeds to break into laughter while the DM stairs at me, once we catch our breath we try to explain to the DM what Stargate was. He proceeds to call it for the night and that campaign was never heard of again.
ok, playing d20 modern and the DM had apparently never seen Stargate before and had no idea what the premise was. The party had been recruited by a top secret military branch and we were getting our briefing, went a little something like this:
Commander: So, we have discovered a gateway under the great pyramids of Giza that we believe is connected to another world. We believe it was left there by an advanced alien race thousands of years ago that possibly masqueraded as Gods and enslaved the local population. We have collected experts from every imaginable field (us) and will be sending you through the gateway to explore and observe the other side. This mission is incredibly dangerous, we have taken every precaution but we cannot guarantee your safety. You are all being given the opportunity to participate in what could be the most important discovery in human history, now do we have any questions?
At this point the techie and me (charasmatic hero) look at each other and i raise my hand.
Commander: Yes, you in the back?
Me: We were wondering where Colonel O'Neil was, and if it is at all possible if we can be put in with his squad?
The entire table proceeds to break into laughter while the DM stairs at me, once we catch our breath we try to explain to the DM what Stargate was. He proceeds to call it for the night and that campaign was never heard of again.
Poor guy. I wonder how much work he put into that campaign.
I would've run with it anyway, so long as one of the players was willing to explaing any references which came up.
Poor guy. I wonder how much work he put into that campaign.
I would've run with it anyway, so long as one of the players was willing to explaing any references which came up.
No kidding...I'd have practically begged him to go with it anyway, just to see how close he got without ever actually seeing Stargate. Heck...that'd be awesome to have the party think they've got a better idea of what's going to happen than the DM, only to have it turn around and go somewhere else!
I set up the scene and the trap is sprung (by the Cube) and the PC's take their action. The Fighter and Paladin immediately bolt down the hallway to get away from the trap unknowingly running straight toward the Cube. I let them have a Perception roll and the Fighter bombs the roll (2) the Paladin rolls a Nat 20. He comes to a screeching halt just short of the Cube the Fighter slams right into it. We roll initative and the Fighter beats the Cube, takes his action to escape the Cube via Athletics and exits the Cube on the other side. Amused I point out.
There is a vaugely human shape slowly resealing itself trhough the Gelatinous Cube.
Fighter "That's odd, air is normally not that hard to run through ... and why do I taste citrus."
And we had a good laugh.
ok, playing d20 modern and the DM had apparently never seen Stargate before and had no idea what the premise was. The party had been recruited by a top secret military branch and we were getting our briefing, went a little something like this:
Commander: So, we have discovered a gateway under the great pyramids of Giza that we believe is connected to another world. We believe it was left there by an advanced alien race thousands of years ago that possibly masqueraded as Gods and enslaved the local population. We have collected experts from every imaginable field (us) and will be sending you through the gateway to explore and observe the other side. This mission is incredibly dangerous, we have taken every precaution but we cannot guarantee your safety. You are all being given the opportunity to participate in what could be the most important discovery in human history, now do we have any questions?
At this point the techie and me (charasmatic hero) look at each other and i raise my hand.
Commander: Yes, you in the back?
Me: We were wondering where Colonel O'Neil was, and if it is at all possible if we can be put in with his squad?
The entire table proceeds to break into laughter while the DM stairs at me, once we catch our breath we try to explain to the DM what Stargate was. He proceeds to call it for the night and that campaign was never heard of again.
With 4e teleporting circles I have to constantly stop myself from turning the campaign into Stargate, specially after getting Manual of the Planes.
(The following took place in our Scales of War campaign, we had just discovered several house items of little value that the hobgoblin raiders had taken)
Dragonborn Paladin (Me): "So there are household objects here right?"
DM: "Yes."
Dragonborn Paladin: (I was building up to the joke with this) "So basically things that common everyday people would have in their houses?"
DM: (sounding annoyed that I seemed not to have heard him the first time): "Yes"
Dragonborn Paladin: "Well then I grab a chamberpot and run down the hall (we'd cleared the area out earlier, so it was empty) for some privacy."
Got some good laughs out of that one. The last session I had to go to the head (in real life) a time or two so I would say to RP that my character was on the chamberpot, not sure how many people got it, probably just me.
And I said, when challenged by one of the evil dudes we fought. Who was suppose to be a radical objectivist, claiming we were just other misguided oafs, clinging to the false sense of goodness of altruism... we fought him mercilessly, I stood on the sidelines mocking his non-aggression principle, then went up to his dying corpse and said.
I do care about the sematics of freedom of choice vs the freedom FROM choice... But not because of altruism... But out of spite... Hatred...
What would make a man suffer more? To be bound to a tree on a leash, knowing there's a whole world out there he'll never see? Or to struggle his whole life making and having to live with his choices? All alone?
That's my purpose. To findout. And then choose the better of two evils.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ZycF33qKRk
In the anime naruto, the main character Naruto Uzumaki's (a NINJA) Number 1 quote is "Believe it!"
What happens if you charge a water elemental while carrying a surf board?
Alvyan is our newest player, is a Gnome Bard
Maybe Alvyan should get a chipmunk familiar.
Player 1 has two Dachshunds. We play at his house.
Player 1: Maybe we should cook the dogs on the George Forman grill.
Player 2: Well that's one way to get rid of them.
Player 3 was eating Doritos
Player 3: I've never taken cocaine, but I imagine it's like this.
Player 4: But with less cheese.
DM: And you? Oh wait, you're playing a Mon Cal.
Player 1: IT'S A TRAP
DM: Alright. So you're going to be starting off all awaking from cryosleep. you're going to be naked, except for boxors.... wait, are any of you female?
Player 2: Nope
Player 3: Nope
Player 4: When you say 'just boxors'...
DM: Just. Boxors.
Player 2: Wait, how would we tell if the Mon Cal was female?
Player 3: She'd have breast implants.
Player 4: They'd smell like dead fish.
Player 1: Especially when she swirls, like this.
DM: Breast implants....dead fish....
Klugbart, dwarf, artificer
Knut, human paladin of Tyr
Grolschk, half-orc fighter
Narthan, elven bard
Dwarves in stealth mode
Klugbart: We gotta smash the door quietly.
Knut: Oh. My. God.
NPC Paladin of Tyr: Yeah, mine too.
The party meets it's newest member, a half-orc.
Grolschk: The bad breath? I inherited that from my father.
Narthan: Halitosis isn't inheritable!
Loads his crossbow
Klugbart: Where are the dustbunnies?
And from the "evil" party:
Svea, human priest of sharess
Argo, kobold fighter (only melee character in the party)
Klaus-Dieter, half-elf macho bard
Mona, human assassin
Svea: What are we going to write with?
Argo: Rat. Remove head, instant pen.
Argo: And who's going first?
Klaus-Dieter: The real man, the one with the pants on.
Argo: Me then.
Svea: Do you even wear pants?
Klaus-Dieter: How are we going to open the door?
Mona: Push.
Interestingly there are two men who play female characters and Klaus-Dieter is played by a woman. It's quite funny at times but the kobold and the assassin seem to be the sanest members of that party :D
I was playing with a group of new players who didn't know the rules very well (except for me and the DM) and we were at the place where we fight the BBEG, who was sniping us while we were trying to fight through hordes of droids and find where he was hiding.
The Wookie Soldier/Jedi had decided to charge straight down the middle of the enemies (ignoring my advice to be tactical) and had been brought down to almost half of his total life. at that point I decided to let them know about second winds
Me: USE YOUR SECOND WIND! USE YOUR SECOND WIND!
DM: This isn't D&D... he can't till he's at less than half life...
Miraluka Jedi: BREAK WIND! BREAK WIND!
You can probably see this one coming a mile off...
ROGUE: (makes his stealth check) I sneak up behind the king, and while he's not looking, I cut the cheese.
May not be D&D at all, but it has a pixie and its funny.
Why would anyone put fairies in jars?
May not be D&D at all, but it has a pixie and its funny.
Hey! Another FK fan! rock on!
"They're just two kind old ladies who bake cookies, knit sweaters...and could kill you with a stray thought."
"Harry and Michael are facing down someone who has surrendered, but is obviously lying about his intents to not continue his dastardly work later...
Michael: Very well, I have to give you a chance at redemption, as I am a holy knight. (Walks out of the room)
Harry: (Looks at the person surrendering) I am not a knight."
Just a sampler of the awesomeness that is the Dresden Files.
"Harry and Michael are facing down someone who has surrendered, but is obviously lying about his intents to not continue his dastardly work later...
Michael: Very well, I have to give you a chance at redemption, as I am a holy knight. (Walks out of the room)
Harry: (Looks at the person surrendering) I am not a knight."
Just a sampler of the awesomeness that is the Dresden Files.
"Phone calls cost more than a quarter now."
"I know.":D
Personal Favorite: The building was on fire, and it wasn't my fault. (this is the opening line to the 6th book.)
"Harry and Michael are facing down someone who has surrendered, but is obviously lying about his intents to not continue his dastardly work later...
Michael: Very well, I have to give you a chance at redemption, as I am a holy knight. (Walks out of the room)
Harry: (Looks at the person surrendering) I am not a knight."
This is my absolute favorite scene from any of them, just above where he explains how no matter what fantasy species you are, if you have dangly bits, you don't like them to be chopped off.
Particularly the boss fight. We were fighting some gargantuan undead spider inside a giant lumber mill. It had previously covered me in splooge and dragged me into the dark, but the Wizard's last fireball freed me from the web (and thank god for that 20 on my handy haversack vs fire saving throw)
Me: So the spider's above me
DM: Yes.
Me: How high?
DM: The spider's about forty feet tall
Me: No, how high, from the ground, is the spider.
DM: The ceiling is like sixty feet up.
Me *frustrated*: In relation to the ground and the ceiling, where is the spider.
Cleric: He wan'ts to know how high up from the ground the spider is, not how tall it is.
Me: Exactly
DM: Uh... it's 20 ft up.
Me *laughing maniacally*: I'm totally going to do it on my round.
Paladin: You're going to do a leaping backflip, stun the spider, and then do a slashing flurry to take out its legs?
Me: O_o whatnow?
*my turn rolls around*
Me: Alright. Spider hasn't moved yet, right?
DM: No, he's still 20 feet above you.
Me: Directly above?
DM: Yes. Why?
Me: I speak the command word to activate Quaal's Feather Token - Tree.
*Those of the party, which is nearly all of it save the paladin, who are aware of what that item does break into cheering*
DM: Uh.... what does that do, exactly?
Me: It spawns, as an 'instantaneous effect' a 60 ft tall five foot radius oak tree. Directly under the spider, who is 20 ft above it.
DM: o_O O_o Uh.... roll d20
*I roll*
DM: Now roll the result number of D6s...
Paladin, finally catching on: TREEDOKEN!
He's a big SF fan, apparently. Anyways, I got a fairly decent roll on the twenty, and the subsequent d6s and did scads of damage to it. We killed it two rounds later.
Paladin, finally catching on: TREEDOKEN!
He's a big SF fan, apparently.
Actually, that's more of an 8-Bit Theater joke. Black Mage has a tendency to use Hedoken, yet Fighter has a habit of imitating him to an extent... by throwing himself at the enemy while yelling "Me-doken!"
Or throwing Fighter at the enemy while yelling 'Fighter-doken!'
I love how it took three comics for fighter to travel 5 feet through the air.
We had just been locked in an underground tunnel, and our only way out was our DM's Deus Ex Machina epic level NPC. My Dragonborn Paladin (Rizzar) had had his hand recently branded by tracking symbols used by followers of Vecna. The NPC wouldn't take us with him until the symbols were removed.
Rizzar's solution?- have the other member of the party proficient with axes cut off the hand in question.
So Revan (the warlord character who knew how to use an axe) aims the axe a couple times. Just before the final swing is halted by the NPC calling for him to hurry up.
So Revan has to again line up the strike. He raises the axe for the blow
Warlock: Just do it!
So he has to line it up, AGAIN. This time:
Ranger: What're you waiting for.
So he lines it up AGAIN:
Rizzar: Will you just cut my hand off already?!
1) When we were first playing 4e, I as DM made the mistake of allowing him to wield warhammers. The second session we had I explained to him why he couldn't use warhammer. As a result Sachsha was traumatized because 'he had been living a lie' and didn't participate in the next encounter because he was weeping.
2) The second encounter that day one of the monsters was a Vermin Handler. Now at the moment of creation my friend said Sachsha had an obsession with killing rats; sure enough when the Vermin Handler used his 'Vermin Cage' power Sachsa wasted two whole rounds attacking the Rats (even though they had no hp or combat value)
3) The next day in another adventure I decided to use a Pit trap with rats. The Swordmage failed to notice it and fell in.... Sachsha then jumped in, not to save the guy, but to fight a rat swarm all on his own. The Cleric had to use both of his Healing Words on Sachsha just so he wouldn't die.
It was then that I broke character and shouted "I can't believe how useless you are!"
Good thing is that next week they may en up facing a room full of rats (or not if they avoid them).
Hey! Another FK fan! rock on!
Add me to that list
So I guess I'll add to this thread again
Sadly I've had a computer crash since I posted in the other thread, so I lost the Notepad docs with the various quotes on it. Thankfully, one of my campaigns got transferred to Play-by-Post in the interim - due to two players moving away and one going into the army and getting sent to Korea - so I posted the quotes from that game on the forums for reference and laughs. Now they're the only survivors other than the stuff in the other thread. (*sniff*)Campaign is 3.5, setting Bastardized Faerun - I had Tiamat pull a massive Xanatos Gambit and one-up most of the other Faerunian deities by hitting the planet with a freakin' meteor. As of now the players are trying to get to whatever's left of Waterdeep to try and track down the Binder's remaining living relatives, if there are any; a teleport mishap landed them in the middle of a desert instead. Oh, and as expected, there are dragons. Lots of dragons. Including a very pesky Blue with an attitude. And, to top it all off, I tossed in the Twelve Swords from Fred Saberhagen's Book of Swords series; the party has five (Dragonslicer, Townsaver, Farslayer, Woundhealer, and Stonecutter) and the Cult of the Dragon has at least two, possibly more.
My old post, so you can connect the players to their previous campaign quotes if you so desire.
Helena D'Li: Half-Moon Elf Knight/Outcast Champion (DM from Bitter Waters/Raina from Eclipse/Faelyn from Skies)
Lucas "The Mad" Penrith: Human Binder (Viktor from Skies/Andro from 4E One-Shot)
Zane Macer/Zoel Ux Arytiss: Human>Dragonborn Monk (Zach from Bitter Waters/DM from Eclipse and Skies)
"D": Tiefling Wizard/Warlock who quickly rebuilt via quest to Human Dragonfire Adept (Slate from Bitter Waters/Sylar from Eclipse/Aszimar from Skies/Mordred from 4E One-shot); now relegated to NPC role due to not liking play-by-post.
Dorien Calmair: Half-Wood Elf Scout/Dread Commando (Morgan from Bitter Waters)
DM: YT.
Skallyrdaalshiir (Skyler): Very Young Silver Dragon Bard 3. DMNPC.
"Rule one - no names." - Lucas
"Aaaaaaare yooooooou aaaaaa druuuuuiiiid?" - Lucas, to a donkey
"And... why did you attack the fountain?" - Helena
"There might be an elemental in there!" - Lucas
"Uh... huh." - Helena
[Early-campaign Lucas was PARANOID. These are only a small selection of examples.]
"Surrender, or face the just actions of your rewards!!" - Helena
[Party tank is verbally dyslexic]
"Hold on, I think I have something in my bag that can deal with this." - Zane
[The "something" was a pair of smokesticks. They were fighting Halfling rogues. In my campaigns "Something in my bag for this" has become synonymous with "I'm going to screw over the party now".]
"Alright, we need a plan." - Helena, before facing a pair of trolls
"Hey, where's the monk going?" - Lucas
[Everyone else huddles safely out of sight. Zane decides he can take 'em. At level five. And thanks to monk speed no one can stop him quick enough...]
"WHOA! FRICKIN' SWEE....!!" - Lucas, on his first encounter with a Sepia Snake Sigil
[Speaks for itself
]"I have a dragon to deal with, creatures from an unspeakable beyond to barter with, I simply cannot fit a half-fiend into the schedule." - Lucas
[Said Half-Fiend was Phedra Ne'Cassiel, a shady local mage with whom Helena occasionally did business. I forget what Lucas needed done but Helena suggested her and Lucas made a show (and a reference) of declining.]
"I'm going to wait until [Helena] comes back, as this is going to affect the entire party." - DM
"I'm putting on pants." - Lucas/OOC
[I forget, but does it matter?]
"The flames go out, the fang drops to the ground with a clatter, and there is nothing left." - DM
"The gold's gone!?" - Lucas
"No, everything else is still there, just nothing left of him (D)." - DM
"Oh, okay then." - Lucas
[D's rebuild quest ended with him picking up a dragon fang and being consumed by silver fire. Cue party reaction.]
"I have effectively desensitized the party to insanity. No matter what influence I fail against now, they aren't even going to bat an eye. I've been working on this for eight sessions." - Lucas/OOC
"We're a very adaptive party." - D/OOC
[Apparently, Binder weirdness can only be weird for so long.]
"Her name's Helena, like Troy." - Zane/OOC
"Pretty like the woman, kick-ass like Achilles?" - Lucas/OOC
"Yes, and without that nasty foot infection." - DM/OOC
[Someone - D I think - kept getting Helena's name wrong. Our way of solving the problem.]
"Okay, incalculable power or not, there are just some things I can't do." - Lucas
"No, that's what Mum's for." - Helena
"I think she just said that Mom's more powerful than God." - D
[Again, don't remember specifics but doesn't really matter.]
"I thought you were literate." - Lucas, to Zane
"It means you can read." - DM, to Zane, after a long silence
[I have no idea why Zane froze up here, but I couldn't resist.]
"I don't like you today. You have a bad attitude today. I'm not talking to you until tomorrow." - Helena to Lucas
[Helena's all-purpose solution for troublesome Vestige influences.]
"Now, in your loudest voice, what is the command word for Retreat?" - Lucas, using Speak With Dead on the Hobgoblin Blackguard Commander, IN MID COMBAT
[This was easily Lucas's Crowning Moment of Awesome. During an attack on a Hobgoblin compound, a military officer - said Blackguard - challenged Helena to an honor duel. She won, and immediately the troops charged. Mid-fight, dodging and weaving the whole way, Acererak-bound Lucas pulls this stunt right underneath Helena's feet. Military to the core, hearing the voice of a commander shout "Retreat!" in their language, the Hobgoblins comply.]
"Statue's fallen, enemies all around, what am I doing? JUMPIN' ON THE GOD'S HEAD!!" - Dorien/OOC
"These are the guys you killed, and these are the guys you just trapped." - DM, pointing to piles of Hobgoblin miniatures
"Don't forget the statue! We killed that!!" - D/OOC
"Their prayers result in the collapse of the statue of their god on top of them, their cleric's most powerful shot just HEALED me, and I'm doing the Hitler Stomp on the statue's back in the middle of the crowd." - Lucas/OOC
[All three of the above were during the attack, regarding Dorien's entrance to the party. He was a captive of the Hobgoblins who had been stripped of his belongings, including a large black case - which contained Farslayer. Retrieving it required going into the Hobs' temple. In the ensuing skirmish, D gets the bright idea to use Line of Acid Breath to destroy the legs on the statue of the goblin god. Said statue falls over, kills several troops, and provides a convenient stand for mockery for the rest of the battle.]
"Did anyone else notice he [Half-Fiend Hobgoblin Warblade] had a southern accent?" - Helena/OOC
"I did, but I didn't want to ask because I don't want to know what kind of torture the hicks have in store!" - Lucas/OOC
[The DM gets his accents screwed up sometimes...]
"After a few minutes of observation, you realize one of those horses is yours." - DM
"BUCKER!!" - Dorien
"The Buck stops here." - Lucas/OOC
"We will all remember this as the day we ALMOST let Bucker get away." - Helena/OOC
[Dorien owned a pony. When I returned his belongings to him after the Hobgoblin fights, he couldn't remember the name and this was the best he could come up with. It still cracks everyone up. Said pony ended up getting spooked and running off into the undead-infested "Killing Fields" far north of the town where things were centered, never to be seen again.]
"An amulet of 'Unholy Blight', once per day." - D
"You're not going to let me have that, are you?" - Lucas
"Take it." - Helena
"Oh good - I've been looking for a gift for your other brother." - Lucas
"NO!!" - Helena
"See, I told you...." - Lucas
[Divvying up loot from the Hobs.]
"He has WINGS!" - Lucas, of Zoel
*blink!* "Invocation! I have wings too!" - D
[Regarding Zane/Zoel's Dragonborn transformation.]
"So we have two dragons...." - D/OOC
"Three dragons." - DM/OOC
"Three dragons, two monkeys, and a half-elf." - D/OOC
"And a partridge in a pear tree." - Zoel/OOC
[Needs no explanation.]
"For him, you CAN say, 'Extraplanar Soul Exchange Gate' and he gets it, for me you have to say, 'I draws the pictures on the grounds and the spirits come and says HI!'" - Helena/OOC
[Describing the difference between her and Zoel's understanding of Pact Magic.]
"You're the party BOUNCER! Every once and a while you come across with this sort of 'You want I should rough him up a bit?' You drift from this whole 'I am in tune with divine forces that rule the universe; I am a finely honed instrument of physical perfection, spiritual purity, and emotional balance... QUIT DOING THAT! I am one with the universe... DO YOU WANT TO BE ONE WITH MY FIST!?'" - Lucas/OOC
"It's Helena's influence. 'Oh come on, they earned this.' *SMACK!!*" - Helena/OOC
[Zoel's role in the party.]
"They're streaking?" - Zoel/OOC, describing Deadly Dancers
"Yes, they totally exceed the tumble check to run right through us." - Lucas/OOC
"Dude, look, they wear no clothes, YES they're streaking! Besides, they're genderless, it's not like you're seeing anything." - DM/OOC
"What the hell? What did I sign up for here?" - D/OOC
[This is D's mind. You get used to it.]
"You know, I'm not drunk anymore." - Lucas, while being carried to his room by Helena after the drinking contest
"EEEEEACK!!" *throws him down* - Helena
[Ways to abuse Naberious #4.]
"'Now that would look good in my room.'" - Helena/OOC, describing D's reaction to dwarven decorations
"Damn you all for taking me away from my loves! First the library, now the greatest art collection ever! Damn you all!" - D/OOC
"Remind me to make him an item of 'Silent Image'. We'll get him his own digital camera." - Lucas/OOC
[D likes his shinies.]
"I wanna fly!!" - Dorien
"Okay, here's what you do - you throw yourself at the ground. Eventually, you're bound to miss, and then you'll fly." - Lucas
"If he truly believed he could fly, he would. Or do we need a fey for that?" - Lucas
"I was pulled out of reading to do this, so we're gonna do this, and not stand around watching him [Dorien] make a fool of himself." - D
"Now now, don't give him so much credit." - Lucas
[Lucas is a baaaaaaaaaaad influence.]
"You know, as good as you fight as a dragon, it's much easier to bathe in elf form...." - Helena
"I am not changing forms with THEM [Lucas, D, Dorien, Zael] here!" - Skyler, while bathing
[Hill Giants STINK. Silver dragons aren't bothered by frigid mountain water. Changing into humanoid form while bathing, on the other hand, can be problematic around male party members.]
"Your god hits like a girl!" - Lucas
"Is that the best he can do...?" - Helena
"I take that back... she hits harder!" - Lucas
[Fighting a Frost Giant shaman.]
"The fact that she can keep this many irregular people in line is proof that she's ready for government work." - Helena/OOC
[Chaotic Neutral To a T Binder, erratic Scout, apathetic Adept, over-enthusiastic Monk... yeah I think that runs the gambit.]
"Don't worry, just because you're underground doesn't mean you'll die. There's still air and there's still lights." - Dwarven Shopkeep, to Dorien
"The DM gets extra points for that." - Helena/OOC
"She talked down to you just because you had pointy ears." - Zael/OOC, to Dorien
"She's a dwarf. She talked up to him." - Lucas/OOC
[I forget why he was acting panicky. But Helena's hair was down so she looked mostly human. Dorien's hair is too short for that and the dwarves played up on the opportunity.]
"With anyone else, it's like you're giving orders - do this, do that, right now. But with anyone who's a blacksmith or otherwise MAKES STUFF, it's all 'if you could please, whenever it's convenient, oh that's marvelous'." - Lucas/OOC, to Helena
[What can we say? Knights like metal equipment. A lot.]
"[Helena's] idea of 'feminine effects' apparently comes with bladed objects. Next thing she'll do is try and color-coordinate the blue armor and the green axe." - Lucas/OOC
"Wow. Brain hurts now." - D/OOC
"Helena is very much a girl, and I think sometimes the party forgets that." - Helena/OOC
"Yeah; normally she wears the heavy plate armor and stuff, so you don't have to worry about that, but then there are moments where the party gets a rather blatent reminder." - DM/OOC
"Yeeeeeah... I don't think I'd have to restrain [Lucas] from using Command Word while you're walking around in a towel if we couldn't see that you were a girl...." - Lucas/OOC
[Case in point.]
"Moving space and time is much easier than putting one foot in front of the other." - Lucas, on teleporting
[Lazy bum.]
"I trust you with a god-forged artifact and you forget you had it!?" - Lucas, to Zoel
[Zoel had one of the swords, I think Stonecutter. Lucas wanted it for some reason during the fight but couldn't locate it. No one else remembered where it was... until after the fight ended.]
"It's magic and it apparently shoots swords." - D
[Finding a Swordbow among the loot from the last battle.]
"The logical assumption is that we are being watched, and we're running out of time. Which means it's wrong. Now help me come up with something better." - Lucas to D
[Regarding a vision where five eyes appeared on a clock, then 12 and 1 split apart and 13 formed between them. Logic has NO PLACE in Lucas's life.]
"So, I get to ask another question of the cosmos. Got anything you desperately want to know?" - Lucas, to Zoel
"'Will I ever find true love?'" - Helena
[Lucas doing divinations.]
"Apparently Helena's father is a Moonflower, they're the elven royal family... meaning she might be next in line for the throne if they all got wiped out." - Helena
"Wow.... Uhm, can any of you imagine Helena as the queen of Evermeet?" - DM
"No! One of those Moonblades would never choose her. She has not proven she is selfless, kindhearted, and upholding of the elven way." - Helena
"Well she hasn't killed Lucas yet, so I think she qualifies!" - Zoel
[On the other hand, she is apparently ready for government work...]
And, to top it all off, I tossed in the Twelve Swords from Fred Saberhagen's Book of Swords series; the party has five (Dragonslicer, Townsaver, Farslayer, Woundhealer, and Stonecutter) and the Cult of the Dragon has at least two, possibly more.
I hope they haven't actually USED the Sword of Fury. I remember what happened to the few poor SoBs that used it in the First Trilogy. (It didn't survive that, right?)
And they obviously haven't used Farslayer.
DM: The first mate sends you off to do your jobs while the ship continues its cruise. As the day passes-
Monk: Wait! What am I doing?
DM:...you're mopping the mid deck.
Monk: *rolls*
DM: What was that for?
Monk: It's a 16.
DM: For what? How good you are at mopping?
Monk: Yeah. What kind of check is that?
DM:Uh...I guess...make it a strength...no, dexterity plus half level.
Monk: 21.
DM: Your masterful mopping technique leaves the passengers of the ship amazed as you charge down the deck with fierce sweeps. The brilliant shine of the deck astounds the other passengers. Some of them clap.
DM: Through the slightly open door, you can see five large bugbears.
PC1 (OOC): What's a bugbear?
(Being new to the seat myself, I take but a moment to flip to the bugbear listing in the rule book.)
PC2 (before I can answer): Dustbunnies. My mom calls them bugbears.
(I look up, like "What?")
PC1: Pshht! I enter the room and wave my cape at them to clear the floor.
Well, it wasn't a move the bugbears had been expecting...
I hope they haven't actually USED the Sword of Fury. I remember what happened to the few poor SoBs that used it in the First Trilogy. (It didn't survive that, right?)
And they obviously haven't used Farslayer.
Helena's used it, but not for its intended special purpose. So no one's activated its special power yet. That said, people in the books used Townsaver and managed to survive by armoring up, and Helena's easily the best armored person in the party. (+2 Full plate, +1 Large steel shield, and several AC boosting items = not quite as deadly using Townsaver as some instances.)
Show
No, it didn't, it got trashed by Shieldbreaker near the end of the third book, when Vulcan was stomping around with it, around the same time as Doomgiver. Which I thought was a ripoff on both accounts... we never really got to see just what Doomgiver was capable of except for that single encounter with Aphrodite.
Dragons now rule over everything.
Characters: all level 5
Seth: the evil aligned drow wizard, has a drow archmage yelling at him to do things, or be killed.
Flint: the unaligned human rogue who should be evil(aka very stereotypical rogue mentality)
Figol: the unaligned githzerai palidan, likes to charge everything, has a book of prophecy.
Terran: the human warlord, good aligned I believe, most cliche and naive character ever, and is the players first time DnDing.
This session was a bit of a side session because Figol and Terran couldn't make it. We have recently fought off a gray dragon after Seth's life while in the middle of a town that had its "patron" dragon leave. We slept in the town and the next day.
DM: You guys wake up, and you notice that a white dragon wyrmling has just walked into town. It's about medium size, it looks really young. Also it's nervous.
Flint: (OOC)Wait a dragon?
Dragon: I'm here to take over the town.
Flint: Huh, you don't say.
Seth: Well uh, okay. Should I call a town meeting so everyone knows?
Dragon: Uh okay.
People gather, lots of guards etc.
Dragon: I'm, uh, taking over, uh, the town...
Seth: You have'nt done this much have you?
Dragon: Is it that obvious?
Seth: Tell you what, I've seen my fair share of these things, we'll give you some pointers.
We have now convinced the dragon of the value of investing its hoard into the townspeople so that they have more stuff to give it later. Seth got some random knick knacks together from the town to give it, a magic orb and some childrens toys.
Flint: Now remember if you give them part of your hoard it will mean that they can get more treasure to give you later.
Seth: Here's what I got from the town for you. *gives dragon stuff*
Dragon: Okay I think I got it.
Dragon, Seth and Flint walk back to townspeople, Dragon keeps orb to himself and then starts distributing the childrens toys back to the children!
Seth: (OOC) Wait did we just turn this dragon into Santa?
Flint: (OOC) It sure does look like it.
DM: Oh god, okay both of you write dragon tamer somewhere on your character sheet. And gain 700 xp.
More adventures to follow.
So the quote was inevitable.
Mimic: Here they come.
Ace: Charge!! *sends Queen charging in* Off with their heads!!
I, as my halfling feylock, wind up an eldritch blast at one that is on the verge of collapse: crit. DM's description of my attack?: "You fire a blast of purple energy at the hobgoblin. The thing shrieks as the bolt flies straight through him, then twists around and goes through him again, twists around again and hits him for a third time. Suddenly you hear a "DuNAOW, naownaow", and a shadowy figure appears out of nowhere and lacerates his pelvis. The hobgoblin explodes."
Group cracks up for about five minutes straight, but that's not it: the Warlord says "Ooh, can I catch an arm?" DM says, "Sure."
The remaining hobgoblin then takes one look at his friend's lacerated pelvis and exploded...other parts, and runs out the door, not thinking about the THREE opportunity attacks he takes. First one is from the Warlord, who takes a swing: crit. DM: "There is a nasty SQUELCH as you slam the arm into the hobgoblin's face, and he drops like a stone, dead."
Group cracks up again, but that's STILL not it! In killing the hobgoblins, we had saved a halfling. He offers to show us the way to the city we're going to, and the Warlord, without even thinking about it, tosses him the arm he just killed a hobgoblin with and says, "Here. Arm yourself."
That was pretty much the end of the session. No one could stop laughing long enough to say more than a few words. Best. Session. Ever.
"What is it?" asked Zeke, firesoul genasi ranger.
"Simple, really. Gaul turns into a panther," I gestured to the goliath warden swinging his axe impatiently, "Zeke, you set him on fire, and then Gaul, you run down the hall and ram the ballista, causing structural damage and setting it on fire. Rayne--" I indicated the sorcerer "--will hang back and lob whatever spells he's got at the shambling mound, and Lulman--" I nodded at the eladrin warlord "--shouts general encouragement. Once we've gotten the shambling mound down a ways past bloodied...
"Zeke, you kick it."
(To get this, understand that two major fights Zeke ended by kicking a dragon (or the head of a dragon statue AT the dragon).)
The way the fight ended (we mainly RPed this one) was that the mound grappled Zeke. Odd thing was, it was made of the same kind of fungus as was all over this dungeon. Highly flammable fungus, as we knew already.
"Stercus stercus stercus moriturus sum!"
Lines from Matt, avenger of Bahamut:
"CHARGE have you considered the worship of Bahamut?"
(When Lul got sucked into a portal) (deadpan) "Man, this dungeon sucks."
"Our father Bahamut who art in the Seven Mounting Heavens of Celestia, kick this guy's ass."
"Mea navis aericumbens anguillis abundat."
"Yes, a race that can teleport every five minutes is freaked out when WE port into their town square. That's not hypocritical at all.
"What kind of guard doesn't flaming have dice? Bahamut! I'm gonna go gnaw hunks of wood into dice."
"Can we please get a the Luggage?"
I'd decided to try out a few dice superstitions. Reasoning that they'd be bookish, I grunted a Librarianesque "ook" at one, and it rolled a twenty. Twice. My sole lament was that neither was an official roll.
Lul, by the way, is a magic-type elf-thing with a sword and a shield. Add a green motif and a floppy hat and Nintendo sues.
When my party member arrive to "save" me, he fails a fort save and pukes everywhere.
"That can cause contamination you know."
In a different campaign (a one-shot to be exact), my friend created a paladin and a cleric. I forget which was which, but we were screwing around and decided one was short and stocky, and had had his tongue cut out. The other was tall-ish, lanky, and sarcastic.
We also named them at random, generating the names "Hojj" and "Johnn"
About 20 minutes later, we realized we had created Jay and Silent Bob, or "Johnn and Silent Hojj" as the duo became known as.
"Can we please get a the Luggage?"
I'd do this to my DMs if I wasn't the only one who got it.
The monk, only guy in the room unaffected by the horrible gribbly mind affecting fear effects, plants
a Quaal's Feather Token - Tree.
"It's unauthorized architectural alteration time!"
Keep in mind that we're in the mortuary wing of a church, which is in the basement. There's a courtyard directly above. It's sunny out, and the church is a church of Pelor (though the Wraith has produced an authorial fiat desecrate effect when it appeared)
Tree appears, bashes out the 'ceiling', temporarily disperses the wraith, and bustes open the ceiling. Rubble falls down, but it's kind of hazy and there's no sunlight coming down yet.
Then the paladin, in a charge, comes flying out of the oak tree and power crit smite two handed charge attacks the wraith with a +3 intelligent Holy sword of doom. Then the tree's branches (DM fiat) spread out and clear the rest of the ceiling, and suddenly the room is bathed in sunlight.
I'd actually not read the Dread Wraith entry, so it was incredible luck that it had that horrible gribbly weakness to sunlight. Dead wraith. CR 11 encounter over. Of those who managed to get in the room, we were four eighth level folks. A cleric (screaming in the corner), a sorceror (screaming in the corner), a monk (Nat 20ing his will save vs fear and DM fiat-reverse fearing the Wraith), and for the kill, the Paladin (Tree Striding out of an unauthorized architectural modification)
The Party:
Sydney
Sarah
Me
Nate
Bradley
Matthew (DM)
DM is describing a scene.
Me: You used hence, like, 15 times.
Nate: *looks up* We were supposed to be listening to you?
Bradley is making small talk with the DM's sister.
Bradley: So, what class are you?
Sister: Uhh, Spanish.
We're trying to start the session.
Bradley: Let's just start rolling d20s like mad people.
Nate's in a drinking contest.
ate: How long does it take not to be slap happy?
Talking about a food eating contest.
Nate: So how do you win the food eating contest? Be the most obese?
Bradley: Nate wins.
Describing a friend's character.
DM: Jeannie's character can change into any M-size humanoid--
Nate: --except Chuck Norris.
Bradley's ticked off at Nate.
Bradley: I'm suing you for all your items, and 10 intelligence!
We're in a capture the flag game.
Bradley: I go for flag number middle.
Nate: You mean letter middle.
Nate's playing with a dolphin puppet that looks like its eating his face.
Sarah: Is that eating you or is it making out with you?
Nate: It's eating my braaains.
DM's trying to talk everybody into getting slaves.
Nate: How many slaves can I have?
DM: Depends. How will you hold them?
Nate: Like, tie them to my waist.
DM's looking up an NPC description.
DM: Just curious, what does court mean?
Me: Seduce. Flirt. Fall in love with.
Sydney: It's also a walled area.
Nate: It's also a measurement of liquid!
Bradley grabbed my previous character's head after she was executed, and has it in his bag of holding.
Bradley: If any girl gets close to me, *makes motion of pulling something out of a sack* "Would you like to see what happened to my last girlfriend...?"
DM pulled out the Forgotten Realms map.
Sydney: *points to island* What's there?
DM: Disease.
DM's looking up an NPC description.
DM: Just curious, what does court mean?
Me: Seduce. Flirt. Fall in love with.
Sydney: It's also a walled area.
Nate: It's also a measurement of liquid!
For some reason I think that's the funniest.
Ah, English, you silly language you.
For some reason I think that's the funniest.
Ah, English, you silly language you.
I for one blame the French.
Josh: At least trees don't spit acid at you.
Me: Not unless it's some uber treant.
Josh: I knew a guy named Trent once...
Me: Did he spit acid too?
The two characters, the brothers Torix and Constantine van Rijn, are trying to clean up the streets of the elf town of Quixote by removing Valdez the Knife and his elf gang from in front of the police house, which is run by Horatio deLeon.
Torix: What're you guys doin out here?
Valdez: What does it matter to you, eh?
Torix: You're loitering. It's bothering me.
Valdez: This is Quixote mang -
Torix: What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Valdez: Everything belong to everybody.
Torix: That's not what the uh... what is he?
Constantine: The jailer?
Torix: That's not what the jailer tells us.
Valdez: Oh what, deLeon?
Torix: Yeah exactly...
Valdez: DeLeon ain't got shee mang.
Constantine: I'm gonna pounce all over deLeon...
Torix: This is the law, better respect.
Constantine: I'm pretty sure you're severed head belongs to me!
Players burst out laughing, and the brothers proceed to take the gang members out with their bare fists. Yay paragon tier hilarity.
-Drillboss
King: While I am very disappointed in you, the kingdom's coffers are running low, so I will give you two choices. You can either work for me for free, as community service, or rot in the dungeon.
The party druid: *excitedly* Rot in the dungeon! Rot in the dungeon!
We had just reached the capital city of the continent we are on in our campaign after almost a week walking in a forest (and two Dragon attacks) and we were stopped by a small band of guards at the gate.
One of the "lowest" ranked guards (named Crazy Jim) approached us.
Jim:What are you doing here? Are you spies?!?!
Our party all began to attest our innocence, saying we were from the city to the north. He didn't seem impressed.
Jim:Okay... If you aren't spies then what are you here for?
Me:Umm... All of your town's secrets?
Jim ended up charging us 2 gold a head to get into his town... What I'm sure the DM expected to take only seconds became over ten minutes of us explaining our innocence then trying to worm our way out of a 2 gold tax.
I think we have to start recording our games, we have so many OOC jokes that are just too long to put up. That same game I took over five minutes to explain how my 7'11'' almost 400 pound Goliath had a child with his Gnome wife... She died giving birth to a run-of-the-mill human...
Our first game my Rogue made a comment about all Elves being fishermen. He died shortly after but now every single character mentions it to our Elf Ranger (my brother). Even our DM has gone into detail, putting more effort into describing the local ponds to him.
That same game I took over five minutes to explain how my 7'11'' almost 400 pound Goliath had a child with his Gnome wife... She died giving birth to a run-of-the-mill human....
Yea.... Not going to say...anything....
We were exploring a sunken temple that had been taken over by a necromancer. We came across a chamber that had been set up as a bedroom, with a mattress, desk, some bookshelves, etc. Being good adventurers (aka greedy murderous hobos) we toss everything looking for loot.
I specify that I'm checking under the mattress.
Another player: "What do you expect to find there, his porn stash?"
Yet another player: "Eww, what kind of porn would a necromancer have?"
Me: "Well that's obvious. Ghouls Gone Wild."
The dragonborn paladin is named Chorm. One day the player made the mini go around eating the mini's of the players, nom, nom, nom.
When he finished eating Chorm, another player chimmed up,
"Chorm? I don't remember eating any chorm."
At any rate, the last two sessions the players spent investigating some murders in the east part of the city, discovering a corpse with several throwing knives still sticking out of it. As the investigation went on and they entered a nearby Burger King for some food as well as questioning the staff, one of the employees fled the building, immediately being pursued by the PCs. They followed him all the up to an abandoned apartment building, where the man jumped into a fiery portal in the 65th room on the 6th floor. Devils came out, fight ensued, and the managed to close the portal before they were totally overwhelmed by messing up the altar, which destroyed all the devils in the process. After relaying all gathered information to their boss, he got some mages to determine where the portal had led to and create a new portal, so that the PCs could go in and find the culprit. Of course, this meant going into the Nine Hells, where the players got into a castle by telling the guard that they were dancers. They had some awkward run-ins with their "fellow dancers" after that.
Dancer Devil: Ahh, you must be here for the polka, too, eh?
Silas the Tiefling Sniper: Yes we are.
Dancer Devil: Good, good, we need a nice long line of dancers. Say, where are your horns?
Sky the Human Monk: My horns?
Silas: She lost them in a tragic grinder accident during childhood.
Then the Dancer Devil leaves to perform a solo act on stage, and before they can form more plans of escape and investigation, more Dancer Devils come in.
Dancer Devil 2: Heuy, I dinna know there were more besides us here.
Silas: Yes, we are here for the polka.
Dancer Devil 2: Ahh, the polka. That's understandable yes yes--say, where are your horns?
Sky: Grinder accident.
Not too long after they had to go on stage and help the Dancer Devils form a "human pyramid", but due to one of them not being strong enough to hold up the others, it collapsed, and they escaped off stage in the chaos, going to look for the culprit in the audience. Luckily, they had a picture of the culprit with them, taken from his job application at the Burger King.
Sky: Sir, have you seen this man? *holding up picture*
Devil: Hmmm, I dun think so. 'E looks familiar though... *tilts head in thought* ...say, where are your horns?
Sky: Ever heard of a grinder?
Devil: Nevermind, my brother had that, too. I feel for you.
Of course they eventually found the culprit, but as they went back to the point where a portal back to Earth would be opened the lord of the castle sent some of his minions after them who nearly killed them. They were saved in time by the mages opening the portal (they were on the verge of winning when they fell anyway) and later woke up in a hospital.
'The new char-broiled soul, it'll make an archdevil drool.'
I mean, I made Square Enix into a deity... (Well, he was named Enix, but a lot of squares were named after him.)
Yea.... Not going to say...anything....
You just did.
Now on to the quotes: I'm not the note taker for our game, so I don't have all the lines. But I do remember one in particular.
Setup: We're in a Zelda-themed game using 4e. We've just entered a room with a total of 3 doors (counting the one we just came in through), so there's one wall that hasn't been described. After some perception checks, we discover that that wall appears weak, and there's the suggestion that there might be something behind it.
Player 1: I break the 4th wall.
Player 2: We've been doing that all night.
Today: our fighter crit an orc on an opportunity attack as he was running away... with an arm from another exploded orc. Didn't drop him (got him to 1 health), but led to this:
DM: Wow...
Fighter: Yeah, we should totally get everyone to crit someone with an arm.
DM: Totally! It'd be complete ARMageddon!
Group:
Me: (Aukku Zerokwo is the name) It's Aw-koo Zero-k-wo. Just like it's spelled.
DM: Ay-koo Ze...roko?
Player 2: Haiku Xerox Machine, there! Can we move on?
The Dwarf Cleric of Moradin and the recently acquired Goliath Warden who worships Kord (who else?) are meandering about the city looking for information, and arrive at the temple complex.
A man in a brown robe approaches them, and after a few moments of conversation, both the dwarf and goliath realize that the man is wearing a leather mask and that one of the eye slits of the mask has something blocking the inside, like maybe an eyepatch. The dwarf, having a high religion check, asks me, the DM, a quick question.
Dwarf (OOC): "So, are Gruumsh and Moradin buddies or anything?"
Me (DM): "No, they're pretty much the worst enemies that major gods can be."
Dwarf (IC): "I don't think I wanna talk to you any more." He leaves.
Goliath: "So, tell me more about Gruumsh."
The priest gives him a tour of the temple, the trophy and corpse-rooms, the proud tradition of getting the entire city hammered on shroom beer and going on an unholy crusade for gnome meat, and assorted other highlights of following the lord of the slaughter. At the end of the tour:
Priest: "Will you join us in the glorious worship of victory and destruction?"
Goliath: "Maybe. There's just this one reason I think I might stick with Kord."
The preist stiffens. "What's that?"
Goliath: "*My* god has both his eyes."
The Goliath quickly realized that it's very difficult to apologize with Gruumshite preists who are attempting to make you bleed with knives.
Seems our group's fate is in arm-related humor...
Today: our fighter crit an orc on an opportunity attack as he was running away... with an arm from another exploded orc. Didn't drop him (got him to 1 health), but led to this:
DM: Wow...
Fighter: Yeah, we should totally get everyone to crit someone with an arm.
DM: Totally! It'd be complete ARMageddon!
Group:
From the experiences of playing a minotaur fighter, it's even more fun to crit an enemy with another enemy. Especially when both are conscious. Speaking of which...
Me (ooc): Alright, first level of fighter!
DM: What's your first feat going to be?
Me:
Exotic weapon proficiency (other people)?From the experiences of playing a minotaur fighter, it's even more fun to crit an enemy with another enemy. Especially when both are conscious. Speaking of which...
Me (ooc): Alright, first level of fighter!
DM: What's your first feat going to be?
Me:
That actually reminds me of a joke class we created that someone actually ended up playing in a game until we killed off the character for being too silly: the Rediculist (he also had a spellcasting variant: the Prepostomancer). The Rediculist was a class based on being rediculous. It had class features such as the ability to use your strength score instead of your intelligence a few times per day so long as you said "My MUSCLES tell me ...!" One such ability was the really Exotic weapon proficiency, which basically meant you could take as a weapon something that no sane person would ever use as a weapon. At my suggestion, the player took creatures as his exotic proficiency. He had a poor little dwarf strapped to his back which he would whip out and bludgeon people with. He also had dreams of dual wielding a pirate and a ninja.
Ahhh, good times...
Actually, that was a really obnoxious character, we were all pretty glad when he died. Even the player didn't seem to care =P
Martigan (Fighter): "He's a poor man? He has no gold on him?"
Karusama (Sorcerer): "You didn't loot him?"
Martigan: "I thought you were going to pillage the corpse."
Karusama: "I'm too busy with the kids."
-beat-
Everyone except Karu: *laughter*
Anyways, an Archer was shooting at me. So, the conversation with the DM was sort of awkward. It went like this.
DM: Aramil, the archer shoots at you. (Rolls) What's your Armor Class? Or do you have anything resistant to arrows.
ME: My muscles deflect the arrows!
DM: Seriously.
ME: It's 28.
DM: It misses.
ME: No, my muscles deflect the arrows!
Even though that sounds so bizzare, it's still fun to say "My muscles deflect the arrows!" I'm a DM now, so I don't say stuff like that as often.
It's not so much a line, but Gaul, our goliath warden, died yesterday. I crit a bloodkiss beholder with his thumb.
Aihrman, our new party member (deva Wizzard) dispelled a wraith-house conglomeration. He also took out the beholder. I have just this to say: Our DM loves teh awesome.
I'd do this to my DMs if I wasn't the only one who got it.
I don't get it O.o
I don't think I'd want one of those in my party. Either it would kill all the party members or it would kill all the monsters; either way, we'd be deprived of XP.
"Hey, look! There're ladders right there!"(The ladders where leading to the platform that they climbed up onto with the rope)
Gnome:
Rest of us:
So the party had all been captured by the BBEG, who was gloating over the heroes' predicament. Yes, he was also monologuing. As the BBEG leaves the heroes conveniently alive so he can go about his nefarious plot of unleashing a giant mechanical construct on the countryside, the good guys deliver their parting shots in classic style, sort of:
FIGHTER: You'll never get away with this! Good will always triumph!
ROGUE: Can't we strike a deal?
CLERIC: By Kord, if I get free of these chains, I'll send you to meet him!
WARLOCK: A pox! A pox! A pox on your socks!
Everyone, including BBEG, stares at WARLOCK.
WARLOCK: What? I couldn't think of anything Warlock-y to say.
FIGHTER: You'll never get away with this! Good will always triumph!
ROGUE: Can't we strike a deal?
CLERIC: By Kord, if I get free of these chains, I'll send you to meet him!
WARLOCK: A pox! A pox! A pox on your socks!
Everyone, including BBEG, stares at WARLOCK.
WARLOCK: What? I couldn't think of anything Warlock-y to say.
I love it! That is the greatest thing ever. XD
So, the rogue was new in our group and was afraid to go into the temple out of fear he couldn't find the traps and would be hit by them.
Rogue: I'll probably die! I barely have any hit points left!
DM: You know, rogues are supposed to handle traps.
Fighter: Fine, I'll handle the traps for you this time.
DM:
Rogue: Can you even disable traps?
In fact, the fighter walked through the first three rooms of the temple, so all the traps would hit him. He started the encounter with 113 HP. He ended with somewhere in the 60's.
Fighter: I got the traps.
DM:
That encounter was hilarious. I never knew a Fighter could handle all those traps without even trying to dodge or find a single one.
Me/Darius: Hey what's that?
Shawn/Uri: It looks like a giant fruit... Let's go check it out.
DM: You see hundreds of fey folk of every kind waving and inviting you up, "Come join us for a feast!"
Shawn/Uri: Hell yea! Breakfast!
Me/Darius (OOC): Dude are you freaking serious?! I'm not going into the freaking fairy fruit. You are nuts.
Shawn/Uri: I'm marching up the stairs to the fruit...
Ten minutes later and after I have to save the whole party from certain death by the hands of Saytrs and Sucubi and a whole host of other fey by thowing a perfectly good handful of silver in the air as distraction.
Me/Darius (OOC) SEE?! I TOLD YOU! FAIRY FRUIT BAD! FAIRY FRUIT BAD! Gaw and I've been playing for less than an hour! XP
-------------
DM: Okay you see a sleeping red dragon directly in front of you...
Shawn/Uri: Let's throw a rock at it!
Me/Darius: :O What?! (OOC) Okay can I kill Shawn now before we all die?
DM: Sure
Fight ensues where I jump over the table and proceed to dump a bag of cheetos on Shawns head
DM: He he he Hey guys... The dragon is awake and really ****** off.
Me/Darius: Okay I'm running... What do I need to roll to trip Uri?
--------------
Shawn/Uri: (OOC) How the hell did I trip over carpet?!
DM: Because you are a moron and I said so.
Molly: Skill monkey, with high ranks in Craft skills.
Thomas: Tough-as-nails tank; known as Thomas the Tank Engine
Jared (me): Gunslinger ex-cop, wields two Glock 20s.
First up, we're taking down a few gang members in order to get a foothold in this city. We knock off most of the members pretty quick, but one manages to get backed into an alley.
DM: The last gang member is backed into an alley, and is now begging for his life in Spanish...do any of you actually speak Spanish?
Molly: Nope.
Thomas: No.
Jared - it's my turn: No habla Espanol. *shoots the ganger in the head*
------
Later, we got our truck banged up (Partly from me running it into a building), and Molly had to repair it.
Molly: What's the repair DC to get the armor plating back to normal?
DM: DC Time-for-you-to-get-a-new-car
------
Finally, we have a little bit of downtime while we wait for some equipment we've ordered over the black market. I do random searching on Wikipedia and, on a 5% chance, manage to discover info about the gang we're fighting.
DM: Holy crap...on a 97%, you manage to randomly find your way to some information on the group's hideouts. There are two garages to the north, and three to the south.
Thomas: How in the world did you manage to find that?
Jared: It's Wiki-F***ing-pedia!
---
EDIT: Right, just remembered what one of us (Person playing Thomas) said would happen if everything was randomized, including dialogue.
*roll* Hi, *roll* have *roll* a *roll* nice *roll* grape jam.
(Note: Actual wording edited. Real wording too dirty.)
As the first encounter, we came on to this forest scene where some people were being attacked by monsters. A couple snakes, a ghostly bear, and a couple of panthers. I was a Goliath Barbarian with negligible intelligence.
DM: There are a number of tribal looking people fleeing a group of monsters. One of them is yelling "Help! But don't kill them it's not their fault!"
Me (OOC): Can I see the guy?
DM: No...
Me: Then I'll ignore him - plausible deniability. Die panther!
Later on in the fight, the snakes and panthers were successfully dealt with (I was only able to kill one of each). The only one left was the ghostly bear, which we had dubbed "Chewbacca's Ghost"
Me to the Warlock in the party: Hey, can you drop a moon on him? 'cause I think that's the only way we can stop him.
Warlock: Not at this level. But don't worry, I can still pack a wallop.
He then proceeds to try to use a Daily power on Chewbacca's ghost and misses.
Me: Told you!
On another note, the other day our party entered an encounter against some goblins. One of our party members was playing either a rogue or an invoker - I can't remember which, since the entire party just switched characters upon buying the PH2. Anyway, this happened:
DM: The goblin takes a swing at you and... *rolls* he crits.
Rogue/Invoker: As an immediate interrupt, I shift back out of his reach. Also, he takes 5 damage from my deathcut armor.
DM: ...Uh, you take no damage. He dies.
This is the first time I've ever seen a crit as a bad thing.
"It's an anti vehicular cannon that I want to use on people."
'No that's a terriable idea. Adventures always use that. Some guards will be walking along and one will say to the other "Hey, I think there are adventures around". "Why?" "Because I just heard a giraffe die."
DM: Ok, the goblin continues to flee up the stairs, Tuktu(Druid), it's your turn.
Druid: I'm using my encounter power and freezing him to the stairs. *Rolls to hit* Darn, a 2
DM: You blast the bottom of the stairs with ice, everyone on the stairs feels a slight chill in their feet through the steel...
Me OOC: Ha, the infamous cold feet attack!
DM: ...None of you feel like getting married tomorrow.
ME: I cast Charm Person on the judge
*DM rolls dice
DM: The judge makes his saving throw
ME: Must have gotten a 20, I'll cast it again
DM: He makes his save again
ME: How?
DM (as the judge): What's wrong with you? Don't you know I'm a level 20 judge?
ME: A level 20 judge? Are you ****ing kidding me?
DM: What, you don't think I go adventuring? Do you think I just hang around and judge people all day?
ME: Yeah, that's what people with cushy, well-paying government jobs usually do, they do their damn jobs. Only poor people like us get killed over treasure.
... The sound of a dying giraffe? I thought bird calls were the stereotypical adventurer's signal?
You missed the South Park movie, didn't you?
Said by a former player:
"'Course I can jump that chasm, you moron!"
Said by the Dwarf, refering to the 8 ft chasm in front of him.
As the story went, he couldnt, and fell 250-300 ft further down the Underdark!!!
And no, we did not try to find him again.
But he was liked by the entire group as the fighter he was.
EvilO
To everyone who mentioned using an entire kobold, etc. as a weapon, I thought I'd point out that the PH actually lists weights for makeshift weapons, thus technically making it against the rules to wield an enemy as a weapon.
Screw The Rules We have RuleOfFunny! :P
Okay, an extremely inebriated guard falls unconscious in his chair while his partner is trying to apprehend Scrag and the party's dragonborn sorcerer.
Scrag: Why shiny man sleepy? *Scrag starts violently shaking him back and forth by the shoulders.* WAKE UP, SHINY!
DM: You hear a loud snap, and his head is suddenly hanging at an odd angle.
Scrag: Oops.
Immaril: "It's easy to be a tough guy when you've got a castle and a dragon!"
BBEG: "Fun too."
(Castle shakes violently)
Celebithil: That would be our dragon.
"Hero I can do, but husband is above my pay grade."
It was a good line to end the adventure with!
... The sound of a dying giraffe? I thought bird calls were the stereotypical adventurer's signal?
From the South Park movie.
Me OOC: Damn, this guy's taking a long time to finish. *nocks an arrow*
DM: Can you let him finish?
Me: I'm going to puncture him a few times, see if the hot air can run out a little faster.
Party:
Bryce: *points at Ace* "He's the All-Spark."
DM and all but one of the party (I don't think she's seen any Transformers) spent a good five minutes laughing our heads off.
We're starting up a Mage: The Awakening game soon. I just finished reading several books of The Dresden Files and couldn't resist making my character a cynical Mastigos who does private eye work on the side. Which means I probably won't be able to resist a few quotes, either. Might need to get the DM to read at least the first few books before we start.
EDIT: Or I could just let him start reading them himself.
Fighter (in character): I can't believe I'm being attacked by a tree.
Warlord (out of character): I can't believe it's not butter!
Daxon - Human warlord
Torinn - Dragonborn fighter
Dayla - Halfling rogue
Who - Doppleganger warlock
Kiera - Eladrin druid
Heidilein - Human ranger
(A giant mosquito thing has latched onto Kiera. Torinn and Daxon are trying to get it off of her.)
Kiera: Please grab the mosquito instead of using your weapon. That way, if you roll a 1 the worst you do is grab my boob.
(A plaque creature offers us treasure if we will approach it to solve its riddle. We suspect a trap, so no one will approach.)
Daxon (waves his torch): Give us the treasure without the riddle or I'll torch you.
Plaque creature: You dare to insult me?! (Leaps off the wall onto Daxon's head and starts eating him.)
Kiera: You had that coming, you know.
DM: So, this thing's on your head trying to bite you.
Daxon: Guarding attack! (Hits himself in the head with his flaming ax. Rolls a natural 20)
DM: ...
(Daxon waits to see if he hit the monster.)
(Torinn waits to see if Daxon lops off his own head.)
DM: ...I have to give it to you, but just because of the sheer awkwardness of it, you do half-damage.
Daxon: 8 plus 5 ongoing fire damage.
DM: Suddenly you feel very hot and take 5 points of fire damage.
(After Daxon hit himself on the head with his ax.)
DM: Giarcus, your turn.
Giarcus: I go over to Daxon and try to pull the thing off his head.
Daxon: …Oh…
Kiera: None of my attacks will hit the creature without hurting Daxon.
Daxon (whose head, shoulders, and one hand are out of sight by now): Ish ohay!
Kiera: Alrighty then. Storm Spike to the head.
Dayla makes a grab for the dragon’s loot. Just then, the dragon appears.
Dayla (to Dragon): Get away from my gold!
(The group is doing the Fool’s Grove adventure.)
Who: This Snuggler’s been doing a lot of embracing, so I’m going to Vampiric Embrace him.
Kiera: Embrace him hard.
DM: You get a psychic blast from the armadillo, and a wave of emo sadness and despair washes over you. You think of razor blades and Dashboard Confessional songs.
Dayla: Is the bunny all, like, in my grill? Can I grab his horn?
Giarcus (the paladin): I’m going to use Lay On Hands on…the paladin…
Kiera: You lay hands on yourself? sings “I don’t want anybody else. When I think about you…”
Who: Hey, Giarcus, there’s a battle going on here. Maybe you could do that later?
Torinn (OOC): Awww, he’s blushing underneath his sunburn…
Dayla (about the unicorn bunny): Awww, it’s all cute and precious. I’m still going to stab it.
Who: I'm going to rub the ant guts on my suspenders.
DM: Okay..
Who: I got ant guts, I'm unstoppable now!
(Body swap adventure)
Torinn (desperately trying to get more information from the simpleton): Ok, the bad people are attacking. What is it that you want us to do – defend, guard...
Rudolph: Definitely don’t guard the bad people. I would say…kill the bad people.
(Torinn and Dayla have a running gag where he ties her to his armor and carries her. This is after the body swap. The names are written as Apparent character (Real character).)
Daxon (Dayla): Can’t you turn into a big duck? Then we could ride on you through the mud. You can be a muck-duck.
Kiera (Torinn) turns into a duck.
Daxon (Dayla): Can I ride you?
Kiera (Torinn): Not now that you’re wearing chainmail!
Dayla (Kiera): Uh, yeah...and check your Strength score.
Kiera’s (Torinn’s) eyes get big when he sees the +0.
(After Kiera (Torinn) flashes the enemy archers.)
DM: That arrow gets you in the boobs.
Kiera (Torinn): Awww, now I have two arrows sticking out of my boobs.
Dayla (Kiera): Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been waving them around like big targets!
DM: These boys come up to you, wanting to know if they can fight with you.
Daxon: Do you have any armor or weapons?
DM: He has a hoe.
Heidilein: Does she bite?
Daxon: He (the farm boy) will just step in and attack with his hoe. (Laughter). His hoe! His farm implement!
(After Kiera (Torinn) flashes the enemy archers.)
DM: That arrow gets you in the boobs.
Kiera (Torinn): Awww, now I have two arrows sticking out of my boobs.
Dayla (Kiera): Well, maybe you shouldn’t have been waving them around like big targets!
My response would have been: Hey, be careful with those, I want them back!
me: You can take Group Stealth, Nearby allies get +2 to Stealth.
player: lets get 1 thing clear....I don't HELP people, my attacks just have advantageous side effects
(A giant mosquito thing has latched onto Kiera. Torinn and Daxon are trying to get it off of her.)
Kiera: Please grab the mosquito instead of using your weapon. That way, if you roll a 1 the worst you do is grab my boob.
I'd choose to purposely fail my grapple check. :D
I'd choose to purposely fail my grapple check. :D
Same here :D
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I just got out of boot camp and hooked up with a fairly high lvl group playing ad&d.
Me=Stupid half giant (SHG)
Rest of party = dont remember (Rop)
DM: YOur party is walking down the road on your way to village x(dont remember name). Suddenly you see a giant fire ball hurtling down from the heavens. At first, you think its going to flame out, but it just keeps getting bigger until, BOOM, it crashes 100ft infront of your party. As the Smoke and rubble clear you see a man standing on a golden chariot with the wheels ablaze with heavenly fire. What do you guys do?
Party: We walk over, Do we reacognize this man?
Dm: Roll int check.
Rop: Pass
SHG: 2
DM: As you walk over to the man, everyone but SHG realizes that this must be the god hermes. As you approach, he says "Greetings storied adventurers, i have a mission for you from the mightiest of beings".
[b]ROP[b]: Woah
SHG: "HUh?" To dm "am i next to the chariot yet?"
Dm: yes
SHG: is it still on fire?
dm: to your surpise, yes it is.
SHG: I tap the man on the shoulder and say "Dude, your wheels are on fire. Thats bad."
ROp gasp
Dm looking at me stupidly says :the man on the chariot looks at you like your and idiot and says "i know" then he goes into monolague about some great evil or something.
SHG to gm interrupting monlogue, are the wheels still on fire?
Dm yes
SHG tap the guy on shoulder, "Your wheels are still on fire, do you need help putting it out before it breaks your chariot?
ROp Gasp, "Man dont insult a god you moron."
DM as man Ill put it out in minute, what i have to tell you is more important.
SHG But.......
DM as man interrupting me IN.....A.......MINUTE
there is a long silence while everyone is watching me to see if it sunk in yet
ROP starts apologizing to Hermes for my behavior.
SHG Scratching my head, i say "I'll help"to everyone. to dm: i put out the fire.
DM how do you do that?
SHG I unbutton my fly and put it out like daddy tought me.
Dm and rop damn nearly fall out of their chairs, DM takes out a blank character sheet and 4d6, hands it to me and says " you going to need these".
I never played that character again.
ME: Skill monkey(SM)
OTher Guy :Cleric named Bigby (BB)
Stupid Guy: playing fighter (SG)
High Warrior: NPC (HW)
setup: we are sent on a diplomatic mission to make sure this empire doesnt try to expand into our kindom. Its a warrior state based on the gladiator games. Anyone can challenge anyone at anygiven time. YOu dont have to accept a challenge but you lose rank and station if you do refuse. The leader is always the current champion and called the high warrior. WE ARE LVL 10!!
[/b]DM[/b] You are at the capitol city of x(cant remember name) of the empire. As envoys from the neighboring kindom the HIGH WARRIOR request your presence at your earliest convience.
SM What do i know about the high warrior? waht race? how long has he been HW?
DM He's human, been HW for over 100yrs and been undefeating in that time (obviously). He also has a signature weapon (axe) that he polishes with the blood of his last kill. He has the blood enchanted.
BB Got it, dont mess with HW. Probably immortal.
SM Yep
So we go into HW's throne room. Dm describes it beautifully and i launch into dimplactic bs.
SG inturrupting me HW, your holding my axe.
HW Surpised by this statement. "What?"
SG in a quite confident manor I said your holding my axe.
HW charges SG and cuts him down in 1 rd. HW starts looking at us.
SM rolling bluff Thank god, he's been bugging me all day.
SG What do you mean im dead? i didnt think he kill me
DM What part of warrior culture that kills anyone who challenges them didnt you understand?
God i miss SG
"Can you build a boat that goes south?"
The dockmaster looks blankly at you for a moment. His face then breaks into a wide, friendly grin.
"Well, it takes a bit o' tweakin' of the blueprint and some unique timbers that I just happened to have gotten in, but you see, they're pretty rare. They were on hold for another customer, but he won't be pickin' 'em up for about a month or so. I think I can get more in before he gets here. They're kind of expensive, so I'll have to charge double for th' boat, and a little extra for selling off a reserved order, y'know.";)
As DM, I would have to respond:
The dockmaster looks blankly at you for a moment. His face then breaks into a wide, friendly grin.
"Well, it takes a bit o' tweakin' of the blueprint and some unique timbers that I just happened to have gotten in, but you see, they're pretty rare. They were on hold for another customer, but he won't be pickin' 'em up for about a month or so. I think I can get more in before he gets here. They're kind of expensive, so I'll have to charge double for th' boat, and a little extra for selling off a reserved order, y'know.";)
Not to mention the sort of specialized crew it takes to sail in the EXACT OPPOSITE direction of North! Talk about a premium!
---------------------------------------------
First Senario: They were on an airship and just destroyed an enemy airship. The enemy ship had a person on board that had stolen their equipment. After the ship crashed the party decides to land to try and recover their goods. However the party leader is a bit crazy. And this takes place about 100 feet of the ground.
Ali: I want to jump off the boat!
DM(Me): What?
Ali: I want my freaking stuff back!
Me: You know you're getting ready to land right?
Ali: I want it now. *character jumps*
Me:...
------------------------------------------------
Senario Two: This was this character's basic introduction.
Ali: I'm Ali-Allaha Achmesh(his name is actually a lot longer, just don't remember it all) the great dragon!
NPCs: But you're human.
Ali: No I'm not, I'm a dragon.
-------------------------------------------------
Senario 3: They're in the middle of a military camp in a tent set up as a tavern.
NPC: You're not a dragon.
Ali: Oh yeah! BLEH![this is the sound he'd make when he'd breath fire] (OOC: I breath fire)
Me: You realize you're in a tent full of alcohol.
Ali: So? Ali would totally do it, this guy just doubted he's a dragon.
Me: Um... *searches for rules about alcohol, fire, and burning tents.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There are a lot more instances like these it's just been a while.
He's playing a male dwarf fighter, with cross-dressing tendencies. He got kicked out of his clan for that last part.
We are fighting two Dire Bears, and everyone's blowing dailies left and right. Thanks to a Warlord, everyone is getting +6 to hit, with an additional +2 for using an action point.
The Warlock uses a cold spell that debufs one bear's AC, then the Dwarf rips off a power that gains him CA or something, then spends an action point and uses some big scary daily.
Dwarf Player: *rolls a 19 or so*
*does some math*
DP: "OK, it hits. He's going down"
DM: "What's the total? You have to tell me."
DP: "Forty... three"
DM:
What?!?We double checked the math, and the Warlord's boost was the only Power Bonus. The bear's AC was only 25.
DM: "You land a massive blow, and the sound of the impact echoes throughout the chasm. Everyone turns at the sound, and even the Gods take notice"
Me: *imitating a god peeking through the clouds*
Me: "That's my boy!"
DP: *catching on, in a deep voice*
DP: "He might have a bit of sugar in his blood, but he's got a stout heart"
The timing and execution were perfect.
This guy's going to be fun. :D
Ok I've got a few from a crazy player in my last campaign. He played a Dragon Shaman... a brass dragon shaman.
. . .
Ali: I want to jump off the boat!
DM(Me): What?
Ali: I want my freaking stuff back!
Me: You know you're getting ready to land right?
Ali: I want it now. *character jumps*
Me:...
------------------------------------------------
Senario Two: This was this character's basic introduction.
Ali: I'm Ali-Allaha Achmesh(his name is actually a lot longer, just don't remember it all) the great dragon!
NPCs: But you're human.
Ali: No I'm not, I'm a dragon.
-------------------------------------------------
Senario 3: They're in the middle of a military camp in a tent set up as a tavern.
NPC: You're not a dragon.
Ali: Oh yeah! BLEH![this is the sound he'd make when he'd breath fire] (OOC: I breath fire)
Me: You realize you're in a tent full of alcohol.
Ali: So? Ali would totally do it, this guy just doubted he's a dragon.
Me: Um... *searches for rules about alcohol, fire, and burning tents.
-----------------------------------------------------------
There are a lot more instances like these it's just been a while.
This character has made my day XD XD XD
Back in our campaign with these characters:
'Varies': A chaotic moo caster who constantly changes every aspect of his character.
Me: A Cleric. (Nothing too spectacular)
Trevor: Bunny-Lycan Monk. I'm not kidding.
Grey: A scout (Again, nothing too spectacular)
The setup: We've just finished an 'epic babysitting campaign' where we had to watch over some youngling dragons. We came back to town, and the party split up (Not entirely sure how, we just did). Well, 'Varies' had an interesting adventure where he managed to terrify ALL of the vampires out of the nearby castle, including its master. He then proclaimed himself 'Baron von Varies'.
He then proceeds to find the skeletons who are guarding the castle and has them line up (20 on each side) in the hallway entrance as we walk in.
DM: As you walk in, the skeletons all simultaneously look at you and then look straight ahead. It's pretty creepy.
Baron: Welcome to my new castle! *Starts going down the line, giving skeletons different orders*
To Skel 1: You! Make me a sandwich.
To Skel 2: You! Stop him from making me a sandwich.
To Skel 3: You! Make me a sandwich...out of PINK!
*Later*
To all skeletons: Alright, go and find every weapon in the castle and bring it here. I'd like to find some magic weaponry that I might be able to use.
DM: Alright, the skeletons pile all the weapons from the armory after a short time. They also grab the cleric's warhammer out of her hands and the Scout's bow. *Looks at monk*
Monk: My body is a weapon. They can't really take it.
DM: You're a bunny. One of them grabs you by the ears and drops you on the pile. *to Baron von Varies* Oh, and one of them pulls your sword out of its scabbard and hands it to you.
Baron (OOC): I'm going to have fun with this.
Ah, that was interesting, to say the least.
It's great when people suddenly find themselves very influential.
To Skel 1: You! Make me a sandwich.
To Skel 2: You! Stop him from making me a sandwich.
I lul'ed.
Setting:
My gf is playing a bard, and likes to roleplay (as opposed to playing hack n slash; which is awesome!); in the first few sessions I had her character start as an actor in a theater. The play was about how the starting city's origins occurred, with her character playing the part of the main actor. Furthermore, I even had an NPC stop by and say he would have to tell his lord - one of the ~9 nobles of the city - of how well he thought her acting was (I had her do some 'testing' of the stage props and settings, one being an acoustics check; she rolled very well on Preform Oratory, so I had an NPC show up saying he heard her from the street, and was amazed how well she was doing)
Now; I had the play broken up into 4 scenes, I had all the scenes pretty much set out in my head... except the first one.
DM(me): So, scene 1 goes on about how the town was founding by a group of adventurers - a paladin, a rogue, a wizard and a gold dragon - they had marched for years until reaching this place were the river meets the ocean. Once they decided to settle down here, the dragon promised to watch over them and their descendants for all of eternity, and so the dragon took it's place, facing the ocean; since it would most likely be where any attacker would come from....
*Realizes for a performance roll to be made by the PC, she'd have to PREFORM something!*
DM: And so they settled down; the Paladin soon had a daughter, and as true as the the word of all babes are; she was quoted saying the following about her home, the small village which is the large city we know today...
*Gesture to gf, we both knowing I was talking too much*
GF: This place is hidious!
Probably a had to be there moment... I know I was stuttering during it, and it was a while ago; but her saying the opposite of what you'd expect from a play to HONOR a city was funny.
We were surprised by a bandit on our way to a nearby city.
Bandit hits other party member.
Cairo Rolls three natural 1's on two different d20's
Cairo(IC): Even the surest of paths do not always follow the Tao
DM(Bandit):The Tao may not wish you to fight me
*Cairo wins initiative*
Cairo(OOC):*Roll* 1 again... I think Ill do another full attack just to be sure. 4, 1, and 12 *math* does a 17 hit?
DM: Nope
Cairo(IC): It seems you're right the Tao does not with me to fight you, Im sure you have a reason to have turned to thievery. Here is 20 gold, have a nice day. *walks away*
Monk, who is the group's resident melee facebreaker type and always snaps his arm out to point at me and then yells "woooo" to signal that he's attacking with a flying kick, begins to sit up straight so he can do his thing.
Me: remember you're underwater.
Guy playing the monk glares at me for second, then grabs his drink.
Someone else is about to say something he cuts them off with his arm as he points. As he does this he tilts his head back gurgles out a high-pitched "woo-ghh-ooo-ghh" using the other hand to stop water from coming out of his mouth.
So the PCs have to go to the Plane of Water while tracking down the BBEG's main cohort. Yadda yadda, they find him and battle is about to happen. I've given my description of the situation.
Monk, who is the group's resident melee facebreaker type and always snaps his arm out to point at me and then yells "woooo" to signal that he's attacking with a flying kick, begins to sit up straight so he can do his thing.
Me: remember you're underwater.
Guy playing the monk glares at me for second, then grabs his drink.
Someone else is about to say something he cuts them off with his arm as he points. As he does this he tilts his head back gurgles out a high-pitched "woo-ghh-ooo-ghh" using the other hand to stop water from coming out of his mouth.
Haaaaa! That is perfect and priceless comedy right there! :D
My friends and I were playing in a campaign set in the Dragonlance world, and it would be the DM's first time running a campaign with us as the players. He had a rather specific goal that he wanted to reach, and we willingly participated, even with the heavy restrictions on classes and races available.
As it turns out, I got to be the Chaotic Good Kender Rogue. (Go Dragonlance!)
"Foxtail" Brushburrow was a catalyst for many of the fun moments for the campaign, as it's rather impossible to be completely stone-faced in the presence of a kender.
He earned the nickname "Foxtail" from trying to better "secure" a Druid's magic wands and ended up with a furious Druid giving him a head of orange hair and a ponytail in the shape of a fox's, complete with a white tip. Foxtail thought it was a rather kind gesture for the Druid being so mean.
With this campaign, each player got their own package of special abilities, on top of what the PHB gave. For me, I got +5 bonuses to a lot of useful Rogue abilities, namely Open Lock.
Being a Kender, with a high Dexterity, and even taking Skill Focus (Open Lock) at level 3, locks proved no problem. The DM, along with the group, joked that if Fox simply stared at a simple lock long enough, it would probably unlock itself. Lesser locks would simply undo themselves if he passed by them.
So, feel free to take a moment and envision the following:
A small skirmish had just ended where the party defended their town, and things were winding down for the day. Several guardsmen sat around a campfire wearied from the fight, and their commander (Lawful Good Female Dwarven Fighter, Hilda) required a little help to get out of her full-plate armor. She approaches Fox as he's either juggling daggers out of boredom or playing with the new toy (a simple lock) that he had found left on the ground.
Hilda: "Say there, Fox, you mind helping me out of me armor?"
Fox: "Sure..."
I give Hilda's player a very cautious look. "Are you sure about this?"
Hilda's Player: "Well, yeah, I need to get this armor off before bed."
Me: "You do realize that you just asked someone who can make locks undo themselves without touching them, right?"
Hilda's Player: "Yeah, so?"
Me: "Well, isn't plate armor mostly held together with a lot of locks and buckles?"
Hilda's Player: "...yeah, but I don't see where... oh."
Back in the game, there's a blur of orange all around Hilda's body for a brief moment. Fox takes a step back from Hilda, a long second passes, then Hilda's armor instantly drops in a neat pile around her feet.
Hilda: "Huh, does anyone else feel a bit drafty?"
Fox and the nearby guardsmen reel back in horror from the sight of the now naked dwarf that stands before them. Hilda, like most of her player's characters, didn't wear anything beneath her full-plate.
Another moment I would like to share involves Fox, Hilda, and their other two adventuring companions, "Zack" and "Luci" (both male). We had just discovered and reclaimed an old keep from a tribe of goblins and bugbears, and we decided that it would be a prime place to build a sanctuary for refugees from Zack's hometown where he had just been elected mayor.
The discussion would eventually turn to what we would name this new community...
Zack's Assistant: "Well, I think we should call it New Solace in honor of old home."
Hilda: "I think we should call it Hildagarde, that's a strong and sturdy name."
Luci: "I think it should be..."
Zack: "No no... those won't do..."
Fox: *eyes lighting up brightly* KENDERGARDEN!
(Everyone stops speaking, with the vision of a mass of kender invading their town and leaving them without the clothes on their back.)
Fox: "Yeah! This'll be great! I'll greet everyone that comes here with a 'Welcome to Kendergarden!'"
Zack: "...well, it would be a good distraction... what merchant in their right mind visits a town full of kender?"
Thus the town of Kendergarden was born.
Hilda, like most of her player's characters, didn't wear anything beneath her full-plate.
Just to say, wearing nothing at all under armor, particularly full plate armor, would be a mind-shatteringly uncomfortable experience X3
Just to say, wearing nothing at all under armor, particularly full plate armor, would be a mind-shatteringly uncomfortable experience X3
Yah, really. I think leather or heavy wool padding was worn IRL. Anyway...
Yet another "not really a line, but yah" type of thing:
I was DM for the first time this past week. Things went well, and I gave the party a choice between Danger Room training, escorting a merchant, and stomping goblins. They chose stomping goblins.
A goblin brute had just gotten bloodied, so it charged the nearest player, provoking 2 opportunity attacks in the process. One missed, the other took him to exactly 1 HP. He then proceed to crit on a bull rush, so he charged another 3 squares, jumping over small crate, and landing on a second PC. All three took some damage, resulting in a dogpile with a dead goblin on top.
During the cleanup stage of combat, one goblin had hidden in a building. The bard attempts to enter "with style" by diving through a window, and bombs the roll. Instead, he runs head-first through the shutters, getting his shoulder plates stuck. The goblin looks up in surprise, and the bard literally insults him to death. (vicious mockery)
The goblin curls up, and cries himself to death. :D
I was happy to see saxophonist Clarence Clemmons was still there, as I had heard a rumor that something had happened to him. Thankfully it wasn't true. At one point, at least, he seemed to be wearing what looked like a dark-colored but ornately decorated, floor-length robe, which I thought looked like what the Robes of the Archmage of Menzoberranzan would look like. As if reading my mind, my husband asked:
"Gromph plays the saxophone?"
(This led to one of our goofier sessions in which the party was sent to recover a mysterious artifact for Gromph, which turned out to be... tah-dah!... a Selmer saxophone. As the party left Gromph's chambers, I told them they could hear the soft strains of "Harlem Nocturne"...)
The party, a half-elf fighter and a dragonkin ranger, were chasing a hag who had stolen a baby through the forest. They pursued her to a hut and inside the hag made a getaway by using a scroll of levitation to float up the chimney, baby in her arms.
With the thrill of the chase, the Dragonkin ranger said, 'Ok, I fly up and smash through the straw roof of the hut.'
Dm: OK, make a strength check to smash through.
-He rolls a one-
Dm: You crash into the ceiling, straw flies everywhere and you fall flat down to the ground again. Loose D6 HP.
Up until that point it was an epic chase through moonlit woods, only to end up like something from a comedy sketch.
It was funny at the time anyway.
------------------------
Player:"Don't worry guys! I'm immune to fire right now!" Leaps into the flames to recover the artifact.
Other Players Including Myself:"Uhh.."
DM:"No, you're resistant to flame..." Rolls a dozen dice behind the screen.
-------------------------
Bradley, an Avenger... something. I think. Male.
Sam, a Shaman. Male.
Me, a Druid. Female.
Sydney, a Bard/Druid. Female.
Nate, a Barbarian. Male.
And Sarah, um, I think a Warlock. Female.
Matthew is the DM, who is male.
I made six puns in a three-hour session. New record!
Everybody's excited their characters are aging because the one-year war is over, except for Nate.
Nate: I don't want to age. Can my character turn one year younger?
Me: You're not Benjamin Button, Nate.
Matthew: Do you want to age three years instead?
Nate: His birthday isn't until next week, okay?!
We are in a castle, and it just so happens my character's name is Castle.
Matthew: The forces are reaching the castle.
Me: They're reaching me?!
We are fighting a vampire. I thought of the running water, and a Religion check shot down my idea.
Me: Hm. Oh! I flirt with the vampire! (Who is male, by the way.)
Sydney and Sarah: Me too!
Bradley: Can I flirt with him, too?
Sarah didn't know what a coup de gras was, and I had just explained to her and Sydney what a concubine was.
Matthew: You know, if the vampire's turned helpless, you can coup de gras him.
Bradley: Sweet! Let's find a way to coup de gras him!
Sarah: What's a coup de gras?
Me: -whispers- It's the same thing that a concubine does.
Sarah: :OMG!
Sydney: What?
-Sarah whispers to Sydney what I said-
Sydney: :OMG!
Me: -burst out laughing- Kidding, kidding, just kidding. It's basically decapitating them.
I just grabbed a Staff of Undead, or something like that, as my character likes to pick up items. Patches of hair fall off, as I'm a shifter, and I gain Undead attributes. Bradley goes nuts and starts attacking me.
Bradley: Die, you follower of the Raven Queen!
Me: I'm an atheist, don't hurt me!
Later on...
Matthew: Why did you touch that staff?
Me: -in a sweet voice- Because it was shiny.
Sydney and I get a collar of animal speaking or something or other.
Sam: There's, like, twenty different languages they know now.
Nate: Are you kidding? It's more than twenty. There's squeak, neigh, bow-wow, meow, weese-naw, squeal...
Sam's character's wife had a child, and he just realized it.
Me: Oh! Oh! I want to take care of it! Please?
Sam: No.
Me: I can't have your child? Fine! I'll go make one of my own!
We are organizing teams to raid a treasury, and Bradley is the director.
Sarah: What team's Bradley in?
Nate: He's not in any team. -turns to Bradley- You're a none!
Me: -looks up from drawing picture- Bradley's a nun? He's a GIRL?!
Team C, made up of Sydney and Sarah, are attempting to distract the rest of the guards.
Sarah: How do we distract them?
-they go through possible ways-
Matthew: I'll give you a hint: they're all male.
Me: FLASH THEM! *makes motion of pulling up shirt*
We are in a room with a Sphere of Annihilation that's trying to prevent us from leaving the room with any gold. (Keep in mind, we're level seven.)
Me: How big is the sphere?
Matthew: About as big as a basketball.
Me: Okay. I wild shape into a giant... Um, snake, and--since they can swallow, like, deer and stuff--eat the sphere.
Matthew: You turn into fine dust.
Me: Never mind!
I really am a disgrace to my gender.
Me: I continue to the direction the locate creature is still pointing.
DM: As you run through the temple you see a figure dressed in black robes that is clearly trying to hide from you.
Me:Excuse me, kind sir, but did a guy in a black armour run past here recently?
DM: He points towards the direction the locate creature is still pointing.
Me: Thank you. *Bows and continues running.
Other time when I am DMing a low magic game.
Me: Ok roll knowledge:nature to see if you notice anything weird about the tree.
Player: *Rolls really low and fails the check.*
Me: Well, you don't notice anything and it looks like a perfectly normal tree to you.
Player: I tell to the others. Guys! Its a tree!
And I have a pretty bad reputation for my ability to name Inns...
Me: You enter the inn of the green c'ck.
*Laugther*
Me: I ment the bird!
And I have a pretty bad reputation for my ability to name Inns...
Me: You enter the inn of the green c'ck.
*Laugther*
Me: I ment the bird!
I can relate. I purposely go for the worst names possible when naming inns. Basically the formula is just "the [adjective] [noun]". It works best if the noun is an animal. Like the Prancing Pony. Or the Green Dragon. Or the Red Cephalopod.
Last time I had them stay at the Ass's Ass. (Technically that isn't foul language! :P )
Reminds me of my latest town name, which was unfortunate, but unintentionally so. It's been a while since I've seen Star Wars, so I innocently had the party visiting a city named Alderan... didn't get a whole lot done that session.
I can relate. I purposely go for the worst names possible when naming inns. Basically the formula is just "the [adjective] [noun]". It works best if the noun is an animal. Like the Prancing Pony. Or the Green Dragon. Or the Red Cephalopod.
Last time I had them stay at the Ass's Ass. (Technically that isn't foul language! :P )
Reminds me of my latest town name, which was unfortunate, but unintentionally so. It's been a while since I've seen Star Wars, so I innocently had the party visiting a city named Alderan... didn't get a whole lot done that session.
lol, sounds a bit like the guy that started running Stargate with out ever having seen it.
Also, I am not an English major or anything but isn't prancing a verb not an adjective?
Now, if you were to say "the pony was prancing," then it would be a verb X3
-said (telepathically) by our party wizard, in a 3.5 game, after an advanced hezrou came over to whack at my poor bard cohort, whose AC was only 23 at the time. Fortunately, the demon full power attacked and rolled a 2, so only hit AC 19.
That was in the fight where (thanks to poor planning on our part, and the DM having good luck with saving throws) the entire L15 party got hit with a CL 19 Blasphemy in round one. The L13 bard cohort managed to avoid getting dazed via a magic item, and put up Silence, to stop them from doing it again - the problem was, the three low-Str arcanists had already been paralyzed by Str loss.
Consequently, when the wizard got his next turn:
Wizard: I cast Mass Bull's Strength.
DM: You're paralyzed.
Wizard: It's a spell-like ability.
DM: You took Mass Bull's Strength as your archmage spell-like ability?
Wizard: No. I took Limited Wish.
DM: ... fair enough.
Me: Jared - a gunslinger that uses twin pistols (Glocks).
Thomas: A man so powerful they call him the Tank Engine.
Molly: A skill monkey with high ranks in the various craft skills.
For our first mission, we were going to take out a mafia boss in a casino in Las Vegas. We planned to do this by combining the power of Thomas' heavily modified shotgun with my stealth - I would sneak in the back and eventually hand off his shotgun to him, after which he would begin blatantly cheating in order to get to the boss. This is how he cheats:
Thomas: Alright, I get to a table and start cheating.
DM: It'll take them about 30 minutes to figure it out, if you're being at all subtle.
Thomas: Oh, hell no. Every five minutes, I'm going to look up at the camera and wink at them.
DM: *facepalm* Make that ten minutes.
Me (OOC): You should just wear a big sign that says "I'm cheating. Deal with it."
Later on, I'm sneaking into the building to try and rob it blind (Sadly, I got caught up when the elevator to the vault required a password...), and I happen upon the observation room where two guards are watching Thomas cheat.
Guard 1: Is he cheating...and not trying to hide it?
Guard 2: Maybe you should go check on him...
Thomas: At this point, I look straight at the camera, flash a thumbs-up, and pull an Ace of Spades out of my sleeve.
Guard 1: *sweatdrop* Alright, I'm going to bring him in. *walks out*
Me: I sneak in.
DM: The room has a wall of monitors, a single guard on duty, a cooler of beer, and a box of pizza, which is slightly behind where the guard is sitting.
Me: I'm going to sneak in, grab a slice of pizza, and when he turns back, shoot him in the face.
*Guard reaches for the pizza, finds nothing there, and is staring down the barrel of my pistol*
Me: Good pizza. *fires*
Near the end, I've managed to assassinate most of the guards (Thank you, super-stealth pistols that have a DC 20 Listen check to hear the gun go off...FROM THE PERSON WHO'S HOLDING IT) and am about to escape the building as Thomas runs out through a metal detector carrying his shotgun.
DM: The two guards stop you and pull out radios to call for backup, which will not arrive. You *points at me* hear a radio go off from the guards you just dropped.
Me: I grab it...is it the two guards calling for backup?
DM: Yep.
Thomas: You know, you're not going to get any backup.
Me: *over radio* He's right. You're all that's left.
Ah...that was a fun session. We took over half of Las Vegas for the mysterious organization "Blackwatch" (Whose motto is 'There is no Blackwatch').
Me: I grab it...is it the two guards calling for backup?
DM: Yep.
Thomas: You know, you're not going to get any backup.
Me: *over radio* He's right. You're all that's left.
I am so stealing this one.
AVENGER: Use 'Slayer's Song'!
BARD: I don't know anything by Slayer!
Me: Jared - a gunslinger that cleans enemies' clocks with his Glocks.
Thomas: A man so powerful they call him the 'tank engine'...
Molly: Skill monkey.
And the newcomers:
Siegfried Kessler: A field medic who is a pacifist. Uses a sword cane (Rarely).
Ashley: A sniper (From the web enhancement for Urban Arcana)
Project 404 "Error: The Unfindable": A doppelganger infiltrator who now has a chart of 100 people that he/she will randomly wake up as each day.
First up, we're breaking into Mexico (Which is now a completely militaristic and fiercely defensive dictatorship) to try and aid Blackwatch in its plot to take control of this war-torn, post-apocalyptic world. We head out in our 'Crawler', a massively upgraded armored vehicle (The weapons are ridiculous...we've got multiple miniguns, a Bradley Fighting Vehicle cannon, several missile launchers, and a paint job that can transform to anything we want...oh, and did I mention the horn that can do a sonic blast once per day?) and are now encountering several superhuman clones.
Molly, Project 404, and Siegfried stay in the Crawler while Jared and Thomas hop out to face the clones. Ashely is mounted on top, sniping clones from afar.
DM: Ok, after combat goes around, Jared and Thomas have their backs to the Crawler, surrounded by clones. There are 3 in front that can't hurt the Crawler at all.
Me (Siegfried): Well, I'd normally hit the reverse to take out the clump, but I don't want to hit Jared and Thomas. So I pull forward.
DM: (Rolls some dice) Two of them barely manage to get out of the way, one is just flattened.
Thomas (OOC): Aren't you supposed to be a pacifist? What was that?
Siegfried: I didn't touch them! The tank did!
DM:
Later on, we (Project 404, Thomas, Jared, and Ashley) are breaking into a bunker used for the cloning project. We make it pretty far in, but some of our party is injured. So this one-liner came up:
Siegfried: I get the feeling I'll need to do some surgery in the near future...possibly of the invasive kind! *Huge grin*
Eventually, we have to fight off a Tyrant - a huge super-clone equipped with a chaingun and a MASSIVE axe. I manage to get a crit with an explosive revolver (A weapon that fires an explosive charge that can be detonated as a free action for 2d4 on hit/2d10 on explosion), and the creature subsequently charges me, crits me with the axe, and I go down to -1 HP and dying. Hey, I don't care who you are, no normal human has a massive damage threshold above 39 at level 9. Luckily, everybody else managed to take it down before it trampled me to death.
Me: (OOC) Thank god, I didn't die. Now, take me back to the Crawler before I bleed to death.
Project 404: We should probably stabilize him. I have a wisdom score, I might be able to make the 15 DC check...
Thomas: And I'll help.
Me: I'm going to try and send a psychic message to them "Don't try to help me, you untrained fools, GET ME TO THE FRACKING DOCTOR!"
That was a seriously close call. Thankfully, the doc's surgery healed me for 9d6+6 and an extended rest heals me for another 36. Yay field medic.
Me: (OOC) Crap, proficiency bonus counts on powers with the weapon keyword too, not just basic attacks doesn't it?
DM: Uhhh yeah.
Me: Doh! I take the scabbard off my longsword.
This from my session yesterday where I was playing 4th Ed for the first time since GenCon (and the first time using melee attacks). Essentially I had brain-farted on the weapon proficiency bonus on weapon-based powers and was halfway through the first combat before realizing it.
Me: (OOC) Crap, proficiency bonus counts on powers with the weapon keyword too, not just basic attacks doesn't it?
DM: Uhhh yeah.
Me: Doh! I take the scabbard off my longsword.
Both would certainly help wouldnt' they
Both would certainly help wouldnt' they
Heh yeah. As I said it was a brain fart based in part on the fact that I was playing a Bard and thinking "Oh these are spells, like a wizard, who doesn't use a weapon proficiency, etc." :p
Anyway, it made for a good laugh.
"Dude another damn sith what the hell!" - human scoundrel
"screw it ill make more molitov cocktails" - drunk wookiee
Given the *reaction, I'd assume it's monthly - If it's twelve months a year, that would be: 712,912,441,496.173 gp
* Also, 1% a year is absolutely pathetic for a bank account. No-one offers that, even with the recession.
Nobody offers 12% annual. 1% annual compounded monthly works out to 3450.25gp.
The point of giving interest is to lend it back out at higher rates. It depends strongly on the state of the economy. The current average is at about 1% - any account with easily accessible cash (most chequing accounts) are below 1%, even about three years ago where we saw some savings hit 5%.
Inflation is also not really an issue with a gold-based economy.
When I reminded the DM about the account he said the then Duke had placed a statuet of limitations on how long an account could remain intact without activity, apparently the statuet is far less than 500 years..
In the real world, you'd be charged inactive account penalties after about a year for most banks. By the end of 500 years you'll probably have less than you started with.
A bit on topic...
This was quite a while ago, near the original release of 3E.
The Burning Plague module, one of the players is a female druid.
The players open the storeroom, and discover a Dire Weasel (I believe). It's a single monster in there designed to challenge the whole party. From what I remember...
I begin describing the creature, roughly... "almost 6 feet long, oily, matted, spikey fur, glow red eyes..."
Druid: "Awwww! I give it a hug!"
Me:
"Uh... you're a druid, you recognize it as a Dire Weasel."Druid: "I love animals! I even have all sorts of stuffed toys in my bedroom!"
Me:
"Ok, it attacks you... grapple... Blood Drain. Take Con damage."Druid: "What?!"
Me: "It's a dire weasel! It's almost as big as you are! It's smelly! It's evil! I even gave the knowledge check to you for free! It wants to grapple and eat your face and you hugged it!"
Druid:
"But it's fuzzy..."I believe in this particular incident I said various forms of "Are you sure?" at least a dozen times in that one combat round. I also didn't give any sort of penalty or bonus to the weasel for the druid trying to hug him. Mechanically, she just moved next to him and did nothing. The weasel still latched on though. :P
It's been a while so to refresh
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard 6
Duskan: half-orc ranger 5
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue 5
Hirayaku Izikawa: human samurai 5
Duskan is an absolute beast of a ranger (6 foot ten something) so he has rigged a backpack to hold the halfling (Elim) in it while traveling so that Elim will not slow the party down. While trudging through a swamp, the group comes across some blackscale lizardfolk and Elim has this wonderful line:
Elim: Should I get out of the papoose of holding now?
In one of the previous adventures, the party came across a randomly generated bag of tricks, tan which essentially functions as a portable zoo. Katrina, being the flitty bard she is, suggests the party use it to their advantage while tracking and eventually defeating some orcs in the current adventure.
Katrina: Here's what we should do: THROW A RHINOCEROS AT THEM! The sight of a large exotic animal trampling their camp will send a clear message, "Do not f*** with us!!!"
Me: You do know the animals are randomly generated right?
Katrina: Well the sight of anything large coming through their camp will sure get their attention glances at the half-orc.
Duskan: I am not bait!
Elim: Yeah that would be me.
Basically this was the situation:
Me: (Ranger, two weapon fighting, optimizer, and I have +23 to hit, and am using Gauntlets of Destruction as my higher-leveled magic item, which the DM Oked, because he wasn't using critical fumbles. [I was using two +3 Jagged Bastard Swords as the one below and equal level])
Fighter: (Damage soaker, classic tank, non-optimizer, helping me with this creature)
Wizard: (Likes fire and burst spells, wasn't doing too well this encounter)
Cleric: (Healer, and kind of damager. Doing OK this encounter)
Avenger: (Single target, doing ok)
DM: (really nice, I had asked him what is view on Blade Cascade was before the encounter, and he said that he didn't agree with the errata, and that it really just lasted until the user missed, which is kind of important for this.)
There were 4 oozes, we just took out 2 in 2 rounds, and 2 more popped up after we finished those, including one that was really dense, who looked like the leader. Basically, the cleric had done something on the ground that gave us bonuses (like a consecrated ground, or something), and I had just popped an encounter power to get into flanking of this leader ooze last round (3).
My ranger was flanking this large ooze (DM showed me AC 32 after the fight, 499 HP, (he homebrewed it, I think)) with the fighter, so that was +2 to hit for me. I used Armor Splinter, and hit with both attacks, lowering its AC to 27 (my wis was +3). I then decided that I was going to use an action point, and use Blade Cascade. It had just taken 51 points of damage from my Armor Splinter combined with my quarry, and I rolled.
Me: *roll*... *shirks.* Yipes... a 2.... Umm... flanking, so +2 to my +23... does a 25 hit to -5 AC?
DM: Nope.
Cleric: Hey, you forgot the consecrated ground effect. Another +2.
Me: ok, does a 27 hit -5 ac?
DM: errr... yeeeahh, it does...
Me: *eyes widen*... wow... ok...
DM: Just roll... >.> *sigh*
Me: ok *rolls* 6 hits, *rolls* 14 hits, *rolls* damn... 1... wait! Gauntlets!
DM: And I... I approved... ****...
Me: *laughs kinda*, *rerolls*, 7
DM: ok, how many times are you gonna roll?
Me:... ummm, let's go with 15 hits, k?
DM: ok... god damnit.
Me: *Rolls 12 more times* Ok, I got 4 crits... this deals... wow... ok, this deals 2d10+21 per hit... so that's an instant... 164 points of damage, with 4 cases of 10 ongoing damage, and let's see what the rest of these amount to.... sooo, that's 231 + *rolls 4d10s 5 times, and 2d10s once* 134, equalling a total of 509 points of damage including the crits...
DM: *stares, mouth agape* Did you... you seriously... just... one-shotted... boss monster... *he starts making motions at me* one-shotted... boss monster... holy sh*t... I brought this on myself... ooookay... You guys see this feral ranger's hands dissapear, and slash at the back of the ooze with 15 blades simultaneously. Her hands reappear and she exhales. The ooze splits into 15 chunks, and falls apart around you all.
Rest of party while this is happening are still just gaping at me...
Me: *bites finger* You know, this act was so broken, it's going to cause a "Nerf Hunters" thread to show up on the D&D forums...
It's a kind of inside joke, but the encounter kind of just ended there.
Also shame on you, being mean to the DM's pretty monster like that, you big meany
Nope, ongoing damage doesn't stack.
Correction, ongoing damage of the same type doesn't stack damage, the instances do stack and both have to be saved for.
Correction, ongoing damage of the same type doesn't stack damage, the instances do stack and both have to be saved for.
Not to mention it was kind of moot at that point.
You know, you misused gauntlets of destruction there - they allow you to reroll damage rolls of 1, NOT attack rolls. So no, that shouldn't have happened. Even with your DM removing the nerf. Still awesome though.
we were playing a relatively new campaign last saturday, and we had a character that hadn't been able to make it the last few sessions show up.
The DM asked her how she would make her entrance, and everyone started saying random ideas. the player (shifter ranger) picked the person who shouted out that she stole a fish and was running from the local fishmonger so she wouldn't have to pay.
when she found our group standing in the way, things went like this:
Shifter: deciding that the fish isn't worth the trouble, I throw the fish back at the fishmonger to get him off my back
DM Ok, roll a d20
Shifter: oook... *rolls an 18*
DM you hit the fishmonger in the face with the fish, killing him instantly
Shifter:
WHAT?!!DM well, a fish would count as an improvised thrown weapon, and you said you threw it AT him, not TO him...
Shifter:
I didn't mean to kill him...Me: SWEET!
this means you've found the legendary Fish of Smiting +1!:DFight starts and DM asks for initiate. He tells me to roll and I beat out everyone.
DM: Lou, you're up.
Me: I delay.
Party: What???
Me: This 'aint my fight, they haven't done anything to me.
Party: But they worship Tharzidun!
Me: I don't know that.
DM: Anyway, the Leader looks at Ionus (Sorc), shouts "In the name of Tharzidun I shall eradicate you!" and takes a swing at him since the Sorc is the instigator. *rolls* he hits for 8 damage and you are pushed back 2 squares, crashing into the stage and spilling the bard's pitcher of beer.
Me: Hearing the name, can I take another religion check.
DM: Sure. *I roll and pass* Oh yeah, now you recognize the name, he's really bad.
Me: Okay, now its my fight I'll take my turn. I cast misdirected mark at the "leader". *rolls* hits.
DM: The leader glares at you and points his finger at you "You're next!"
Me: *pointing at the Sorc* He did it! I have the Sorc mark him.
Sorc: What the hell?
Me: You spilled my beer man.
Sorc: 'Effin bards.
We're all inside a delve of sorts (this is a 3.5 game) and the cleric has for some reason contracted an Celestial to serve as a non-combat advisor (yeah, he got a really crappy deal out of it) and the DM's been running the celestial as a profiteering guy.
Well, we're in what currently looks like a bar, and the Celstial makes some snooty comment:
Rogue: Alright, I kick the Celestial in the testi cles.
Cleric: Oh, hey, do Celestials have testi cles?
DM: Uh, presumably
Rogue: Alright, then I kick the Celestial in the-
Monk *interrupting*: Celesticles.
Rogue: yeah, I kick him in the Celesticles.
Party: ...
DM: Alright, roll to attack
Shamash: Dragonborn Warlord NPC played by yours truly. Disappeared after the first dungeon, bored with the area.
Bartholomew 'Bangada' Bronzenoggin': Dwarf Fighter, also known as Barth. Known for shouting "Bangada, bangada, bangada!" Every time he hits.
Paltiel Elad: Half-elf Ranger (Archer type) who complains about being hit by anything and refuses to get closer than ten squares when confronting anything.
So we've wiped out the first room of Kobold Hall, minus the Kobolds hiding behind the portcullis. Before we approach it, Paltiel's player decides to make a nature check to see what the green glowing sludge in the pit is. Rolling a 1 on his check...
Me: You have no clue what it is. For all you know, it could be anything.
Paltiel: ...Radioactive Kobold sperm?
Me: *Facepalm of doom.*
And later, after Barth and Paltiel's players recover...
Paltiel: So it's a stone door, pretty much?
Me: Yeah. And it's pretty tough looking.
Paltiel: Let's throw the Dwarf at it. *Makes a throwing motion.*
"Throw the Dwarf at it" is now his standard solution to everything after Barth rolled a natural 20. In the third encounter, having been rolling low, I doubted that Shamash's breath weapon would touch the mass of Kobolds around Barth, much less hit him.
Me: Alright, I'll roll to see if I hit you first. Might as well get it out of the way.
Barth: Hah, watch it be a one.
Me: *Rolls a natural 20* Oh shi-!
Barth: What?! ...It's because I'm Black, isn't it?
Paltiel: YOU SUCK AT THIS GAME!
Surprisingly, I managed to hit all but one of the Kobolds with the attack, most of which were minions so it really did take the heat off Barth. Sort of. Our singed Dwarf was not too happy with me however. The same Dwarf later took down the White Dragon at the end though, so it balanced out.
the other night we had a number of moments, but damnit if I can only recall one.
We're all inside a delve of sorts (this is a 3.5 game) and the cleric has for some reason contracted an Celestial to serve as a non-combat advisor (yeah, he got a really crappy deal out of it) and the DM's been running the celestial as a profiteering guy.
Well, we're in what currently looks like a bar, and the Celstial makes some snooty comment:
Rogue: Alright, I kick the Celestial in the testi cles.
Cleric: Oh, hey, do Celestials have testi cles?
DM: Uh, presumably
Rogue: Alright, then I kick the Celestial in the-
Monk *interrupting*: Celesticles.
Rogue: yeah, I kick him in the Celesticles.
Party: ...
DM: Alright, roll to attack
DMs who run Celestials as jerkasses get on my nerves, but for that little snicker it was kind of worth it.
One of the players was pretty new to gaming and had others helping him put his character - a Dwarf Fighter - together just before the session started. The player helping him was giving him ideas of what kind of weapons to use...
Human Scout: You could use a spear or a greatsword, or a two-handed axe...
Dwarf Fighter: A two-handed ass?! How do you wield that!??
It became sort of a running joke through the rest of the night.
The big monster the DM threw at us at the end was, I kid you not, Kirby. Yes, the annoying pink puffball from Nintendo. And yes, it ate our attacks and threw them back at us. And was surprisingly resilient to damage. My character was a Sorc/Force Missile Mage, prompting the following exchange:
Human Sorcerer: It has FORCE RESISTANCE!?
Azurin Soulborn: It's a Jedi. Your lack of faith is disturbing.
Human Sorcerer: Fhtagn!!
Of course, the fighter has a much simpler solution to the entire problem.
Human Ranger: Why will this thing NOT DIE!?
Dwarf Fighter: I find the 8-year-old kid with the remote control and knock him out.
putting my most favorite thread of all time back on track....
we were playing a relatively new campaign last saturday, and we had a character that hadn't been able to make it the last few sessions show up.
We had a similar situation happen recently. We had played 2 sessions and were on the third when one of the guys was able to play for the first time.
Since the beginning of the game I had a deus ex machina Minotaur Fighter NPC hanging around since the party didn't have a single defender. He was a grizzled old veteran type, name of Riggs Murtaugh, and he went around saying, "I'm getting too old for this *stuff*!" I told the players that the first one who figures out the inside joke there got some significant bonus XP. None of the guys could figure it out, and I even told them it was a movie reference, but still, even with weeks in between sessions, none bothered to Google it or anything to find out.
Third Session, first time our 5th man was able to show, before the game even started the other players were catching him up and telling him how cool this NPC was, then told him the NPC's name...
Player looks at me and says, "You mean like Lethal Weapon?"
Me: "BOOM! BONUS XP! That moves him from last place in XP to next to last place." (I give base XP to missing players if they have other commitments that cause them to no-show)
Charlie (the guy who was now in last because he'd been having trouble getting into his character and kinda half-a$$ed playing):
Player: 60 gold? That's it?
Quest Giver: Oh, I almost forgot. I have some XP for you too. (hands players a bag labeled "xp")
Quest Giver: Great job there, team. Here's your payment. (tosses players a small bag containing 60gp)
Player: 60 gold? That's it?
Quest Giver: Oh, I almost forgot. I have some XP for you too. (hands players a bag labeled "xp")
I just might do that one day.
Quest Giver: Great job there, team. Here's your payment. (tosses players a small bag containing 60gp)
Player: 60 gold? That's it?
Quest Giver: Oh, I almost forgot. I have some XP for you too. (hands players a bag labeled "xp")
I used to do that too. Except mine was XP in a bottle.
This didn't actually happen in a game, but while my friend and I were in the car, we were discussing the Star Wars D20 system and how Hutts weren't a player race.
Him: Kind of a shame, Hutts aren't a player species. I guess it'd be a bit hard, because they'd have a movement speed of about half a square...
Me: Or a movement speed of heeeeeel no!
Him: A speed of 'thank god I'm on a golden floating throne'.
Me: A speed of 'the natural rotation of the planet'.
DM- Your little brother wants to play a half-orc sorcerer.... I shall call him, BAMF (bad ass mother ****er for those who don't get the acronym)
-----
While describing what my character find
DM- you see several eggs on the shore...
Me( ooc ): Let's see... You are open to the front of the MM, I'm going to say chuul eggs.
DM- so of a *****....
Apparently, being able to point out a monster just by judging where in the MM the dm is looking counts as having no life.
Apparently, being able to point out a monster just by judging where in the MM the dm is looking counts as having no life.
This demands Science!
If you can do it regularly, yah pretty much. :P
"Oh, Ratatouille, what have you become?"
(With that name stuck on the Rat Lord, one of the impromptu weapons I gave him was the various bits of food that the module said lay strewn about the place. Of course, he suggested a dish for each one, i.e., tomatoes, "Have some gazpacho!")
This demands Science!
If you can do it regularly, yah pretty much. :P
He had it open to the front of the book. We were near the coast, so there was only one monster it could be.
Then there was the assassin vine... Those wyverns flying over the volcano.... (which I yelled 'FOOD HERE' in draconic to)
Player 1: I don't speak kobold, though. I speak draconic.
DM: See, Kobolds speak a different dialect of Draconic than dragons, but it's still recognizable. Their language just has a few different words, a slightly different alphabet...
Player 2: Yeah, it uses smaller letters.
*Cue the rest of the party cracking up for the next ten minutes*
Strong Hero: Lets get her outta here before...
Villain ( young voice over PA system): Sshtop right there! You'll never eschcape the grashp of my vishious shpiders!
Strong Hero's Player:
A dork with a lisp?! That's the evil mastermind we've been chasing all night?!Smart Hero's Player (faking a lisp): Oh no, the shpiders are coming.
The group then burst into a fit of tear-streaming laughter that left our ribs sore.
In the belly of the beast...
Mage-Hunter: Please, please, get us out of here. I'll give you whatever you want! Riches! Women! Anything!
Ceredirond: These robes are red, mage killer. *teleport*
(after my red-robed wizard of high sorcery was swallowed by a giant ethereal worm monster along with a mage-hunter)
In the belly of the beast...
Mage-Hunter: Please, please, get us out of here. I'll give you whatever you want! Riches! Women! Anything!
Ceredirond: These robes are red, mage killer. *teleport*
What do the robe colors have to do with anything?
Me: A speed of 'the natural rotation of the planet'.
Actually, Earth's rotational speed at the equator, 465.1 m/s or 1,674.4 km/h. That's one fast Hutt!
(Or since a round is 6 seconds, a movement speed of 2790.6m or 558 squares)
Me: A speed of 'the natural rotation of the planet'.
Wait, for the size of a hutt, wouldn't that mean the hutt in question would be zipping around at incredibly fast speeds?
EDIT: Doh, ninja'd
So, our rule (Or it could be an actual rule, I have not seen it) is that any single source of damage that hits 50 or more damage results in hitting the Massive Damage Threshold. I know it's used in Modern D20, but I've never seen it in any other version of D&D. Anyway, this is what happened when our Warmage hit something for about 55 damage with a lightning spell.
DM: Alright, well...he doesn't outright die from hitting the massive damage threshold.
Me: So what you're saying is, he made his save to avoid going into shock.
Cue facepalms all around.
EDIT: CrossBlade, Drackthor, quiet you two. You know what I meant. >.>
Me: So what you're saying is, he made his save to avoid going into shock.
Groaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan...So, our rule (Or it could be an actual rule, I have not seen it) is that any single source of damage that hits 50 or more damage results in hitting the Massive Damage Threshold. I know it's used in Modern D20, but I've never seen it in any other version of D&D.
It's in 3.5.
I've had a long epic campaign where I only had to make that role once. Or would have, had it not killed me outright. (I got lucky, and only lost an arm, via DM fiat. He needed my character to bring back word of what was happening.)
The party is thinking of taking a job to escort a merchant caravan. The merchant, his partner, and their page boy will be driving the wagons, and the party is bartering (OK, haggling) for a good deal.
The Merchant is a Half-elf, built as a L4 non-combat-bard, and his partner is a NC Wizard. Together, they have all sorts of tricks to speed up their caravans, bringing the base speed to 10 with a light-ish load.
Also, the half-elf was raised among Dwarves, and is his clan's "Public Face" and dealbroker.
Me: *explains above stuff*
Player: So, basically what you are saying is.... he's a Jew.
Me:
...Pretty much. *facepalm*:/
The Ranger wants to train his horse to a Warhorse, so he is making a Nature Check every night. I was idly flipping through the MM to look at horses, and see what he could 'upgrade' it to from there.
Someone: "Hey cool! Hippogriffs are level 5! We should train some!
Me: No, you can't train a horse into a hippogriff. Not even with a Wizard!
Apparently it was funny. *shrug*
Minor background: I'm an atheist and borderline existentialist. I'm playing myself transported to Planescape, in ALL it's glory. (I've been to Athas and lived to tell about it, in that campaign.) The Aesir are the pantheon of note in our version. so Valhalla is real.
Me: *opens eyes* Wow, this is even worse than I imagined it to be. I'd almost rather not exist. Wait a second- *rolls K(Religion)* The Norse Gods are in charge. Where's the food? Where's the Beer?
...
...
WHERE ARE THE BUSTY TAVERN WENCHES?!?!??!?!?!?!
*later, a MASSIVE Devil comes up to me, offering to return me to life. Apparently, he's ticked at my party members*
Me: What's the price?
Devil: You're dead, and you're worried about a price?
Me: Well, considering the so-YES!!!!!!!! (I was saying Source when I cut myself off.)
*later still, a third entity comes to me. This one I trust - to a point - unlike the other two. I am reincarnated into a Dire Wolf. In the castle of the people who killed me.(I think. Haven't actually found out yet.)*
Me: I try to talk.
DM: What do you try to say?
Me: I see a commoner here. I'm assuming he doesn't speak Sylvan. I'm assuming I can't speak Common, Draconic, Infernal, or Abyssal.
DM: True...
Me: Does it REALLY matter what I'm trying to say here? I don't think he's going to react well to anything.
DM:... Point. He backs away.
Me: I do my best version of Puppy Dog Eyes.
<5 RL minutes later, after we've finished laughing.>
DM: He runs away, shouting. The door closes behind him.
Me: Is it a Knob or latch and handle?
Me: OK, I've got this. *Pantomimes while explaining* I take my jaw, and grasp the handle, then, I take my left paw, and depress the latch. I pull the door open a little, and then block it with my left paw, then nosing the door open and walking through.
Shortly after, I was rescued by one of our NPCs, and brought to a Druid. I talked to her for a few, and we ended the session.
I was DMing an Eberron game, the party is in a city in Zilargo trying to buy an airship.
Party was 2 human bow rangers, an elven cleric of the undying court, a half-elf bard(the only female), elf rogue, and a tribal elven Dragon Shaman who happened to find a lucky coin a session or two ago. He'd used the coin to win a fortune in games of chance while they were waiting for their ship to be finished, and had pressed his luck enough times for karma to bite his ass. The first thing he does with his winnings is go to a fine inn and order the largest steak he can find. I decide what better way for Karma to bite him than to have him choke on the steak he buys with his winnings. So he begins to choke, and pretty much everyone in the party blanks on what to do while I start ticking off temporary con damage to put some pressure on them.
The bard finally shouts "Does anybody know the Heimlich maneuver?"
This being Eberron, nobody had heard of any such thing... if it did exist, they surely called it something different. The inn full of gnomes stares blankly at the panicking party. Finally she asks "Can I pick up a gnome and try to battering ram the Shaman's chest with it?"
I reply "uhhh... you can try, roll grapple"
She makes the roll by a rather large margin, and also makes an attack roll to nail the shaman in the gut with the gnome's head battering ram style. We were all laughing so hard that I ruled that it worked, and he coughed up the offending piece of steak. Since then, every time I run Eberron, gnomes run and hide at the mention of the word "Heimlich"
The other two are much shorter, promise:
At last weeks game, one of the players announced "I'm going upstairs to get a drink" and left. He came back empty handed a minute or two later, stops at the bottom of the stairs and exclaims: "Aw, crap I forgot to grab a drink! I only took a leak as a sidequest!"
And a classic one from a LARP I play:
A celt steps out of the inn carrying a large bottle of ale in each hand.
He begins talking to a woman he sees on the porch
Celt: Nothing like a good buzz before a battle, eh?
Woman: Don't you think it ungentlemanly that you've a bottle in each hand and leave me with nothing in mine?
*long pause*
Celt: Well thank you, Buzz McKillington... now I need to drink another bottle!
Woman: Don't you think it ungentlemanly that you've a bottle in each hand and leave me with nothing in mine?
*long pause*
I was sure this was going to end with him dropping his pants.
I used to do that too. Except mine was XP in a bottle.
I'm going to do this, now. Just once or twice for the lolz. But they don't get the XP until they bravely uncork the bottle, and I'm not going to tell them what it is until they attempt to identify it.
What color do you think XP is in a bottle, anyway?
Whitish silver.
....like the sper....umm....pensieve juice from Harry Potter? lol
The palidin has the The Invulnerable Coat of Arnd
Wizard Player: "Congrats you can satisfy armor"
This was a Freudian Slip
DM: "You passed a mild stone."
Cleric Player: "Ouch"
After finding his "new" weapon.
Bard Player: "I stumbled on my stick when we were sleeping."
The party is facing a brown dragon, we have a Dragonborn in the party.
Wizard Player: "You should hit on it."
Dragonborn Player: "Oh you are a lady dragon. Oh course you are your just reeking with feminine beauty... ."
Adding up all the circumstantial bonuses
Bard Player: "And you are within me."
Useing a power that does half damage on a miss.
Wizard Player: "Half of 18 is 19"
Warlock Player: "You no get on top, you squishy-squishy"
Only female player: "Just lick the
thing."Here is a few for you...
The party is facing a brown dragon, we have a Dragonborn in the party.
Wizard Player: "You should hit on it."
Dragonborn Player: "Oh you are a lady dragon. Oh course you are your just reeking with feminine beauty... ."
That's awesome! :D *adds to his signature*
Upon realized that another character is using blood magic thematically and keeping organs in a sack:
"You're the sausage Santa!"
And mixing out of game conversation with in game actions:
"F*** yeah lemon toothpaste, I'm going to stab that guy in the ass again!"
The Cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 14 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power. He also looks like Toshiro Mifune.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 13 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 10/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 20 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it. Mainly just there to heal us.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
After our Little Dragon Slaying Adventure. (See previous post on original Thread) We were stuck with a hoard of treasure with no idea how to carry it.
Sarevok: Do we have any bags of holding?
Musashi: I've got two.
Rand: Me too.
Sarevok: Then why don't we use those?
Rand: They Carry important stuff.
Sarevok: More important than countless riches?
Rand:Yes.
Sarevok: What?
Rand: Hey Waspinator! Want some candy?
Waspinator: Yaay! Candy!
*Waspinator reaches into the bag*
DM: You hear a loud metallic crunch as a bear Trap clamps down on Waspinator's arm.
Sarevok: Okay, you've got a point there.
We eventually decided to dump them out anyway, as we could buy plenty more bags of holding and endless bear traps with the loot. After a while, we reached the Kingdom we were supposed to. We then waited for nightfall, so that we could infiltrate the Castle. A big party was going on, so we snuck in. The plan was to blow up the Castle, by placing Gunpowder barrels in the basement. The first step, was distracting the king and guests.
Rand: Waspinator! Get in the center, and play the longest song you know.
Waspinator: Yes sir!
*Waspinator then starts to play Weird Al's Albuquerque*
While they were distracted. We ran to the basement, and planted the gunpowder, plus an explosive rune note to light them later. Then we ran for cover. After we came to inspect the ruins, we noticed that the entire dining hall had survived. We still needed to assassinate the king. So Rand did what he did best.
Rand: *Say this very quickly* It was the King! He blew up his own Castle because he knew that it would gain him support which he would use to invade the nation of Bonervania in order to take back the teddy bear that that nations king had taken from him as a child, which was held ransom in exchange that the King take back what he said about his mother, which he never would because as we all know it is an ancient custom in this Kingdom to never take back insults as it insults the grand council of the intergalactic Surfin' Bird fan club, which the King just so happens to be a member of. *Inhale*
The crowd then proceeded to beat the King to death. Musashi just had one question.
Musashi: Do you practice these things? Or what?
Rand: Sometimes. That was all improv.
]Useing a power that does half damage on a miss.
Wizard Player: "Half of 18 is 19"
Warlock Player: "You no get on top, you squishy-squishy"
Only female player: "Just lick the
For the first one here: I have a few friends who do that. As a bonus, one was wearing a shirt that said: "I'm an English Major: You do the Math."
I'm curious as to what brought the other two on...
Useing a power that does half damage on a miss.
Wizard Player: "Half of 18 is 19"
Warlock Player: "You no get on top, you squishy-squishy"
Only female player: "Just lick the
For the first one here: I have a few friends who do that. As a bonus, one was wearing a shirt that said: "I'm an English Major: You do the Math."
I'm curious as to what brought the other two on...
The warlock's quote had to do with the dragonborn hitting on the dragon. That is all I will tell you. ;)
I believe she wanted to say "hit" or possibly "kick".
Edit: I have had some bad misspelling in my time, but "has" vs. "say", where did that come from?
I'm going to do this, now. Just once or twice for the lolz. But they don't get the XP until they bravely uncork the bottle, and I'm not going to tell them what it is until they attempt to identify it.
Heh, I've been known to do similarly strange things- I'll be using XP in a Can at some point, because everything is better in a can. I remember once, a long, long time ago, healing potions came in a can. As it turned out, leopard-in-a-can was also a popular product. Never, ever confuse the two.
Yes, Leapord in a Can.
Heh, I've been known to do similarly strange things- I'll be using XP in a Can at some point, because everything is better in a can. I remember once, a long, long time ago, healing potions came in a can. As it turned out, leopard-in-a-can was also a popular product. Never, ever confuse the two.
Yes, Leapord in a Can.
Me needs heal, me open can, can o' kitty whoopass NO HEAL.....die....:D
leopard-in-a-can was also a popular product. Never, ever confuse the two
True Dat!Still loving this thread
yeah I love my little baby to. I wonder if people are put off by the size of it and whether I should start advertising it in the other similar threads I read. Tell people that they don't have to read everything in it.
The warlock's quote had to do with the dragonborn hitting on the dragon. That is all I will tell you. ;)
I believe she wanted to has "hit" or possibly "kick".
In that case, the warlock's right. That would HURT.
Me: A 13 Barbarian/7 Bear Warrior. Wields a greataxe and shield at the same time thanks to the Animated shield trait.
Grey: A Wilder psion that excels in various means of teleportation and ridiculous psionics.
Brian: A Warmage that makes things die. Quickly. Favorite spells: Prismatic Spray and Prismatic Ray. He's also damn-near insane, and is actually the first character that is so random that the DM is about ready to have a level 32 NPC dominate him to keep him in control.
We started out by landing on the Aspirant's Plane, essentially an epic-level plane. The minimum level of ANYTHING on the plane is 16. After finding a town, we accepted a quest to find someone's suitcase, which had been stolen by epic-level goblins. When we got to their cave, this happened:
DM: Alright, down the cave hall is a turn to the left.
Brian: We turn right, using Arkadios' (Me) portable hole. Anything there?
DM: More dirt. What did you expect?
Brian: Well, maybe it was a goblin nursery...fireball. Infant goblins don't have evasion, right?
He was kidding, but still...
Grey: A Wilder psion that excels in various means of teleportation and ridiculous psionics.
Nitpick here. A psion is one class. A wilder is another. Saying 'wilder psion' is like saying 'wizard sorcerer'.
Nitpick here. A psion is one class. A wilder is another. Saying 'wilder psion' is like saying 'wizard sorcerer'.
Both of which are possible, using obscure rules called 'multiclassing'. :P
Both of which are possible, using obscure rules called 'multiclassing'. :P
True, but based on Angelic_Demon's use of "wilder psion" but "barbarian/Bear Warrior," I would expect "wilder/psion" to indicate the multiclass. Add in Angelic_Demon saying "ridiculous psionics," and I suspect that Angelic_Demon just doesn't know the psionics system much, and so said "wilder psion" just to flag that the wilder is some sort of psionic character, but he doesn't know enough to say more. Of course, I could be misinterpreting (or over-interpreting) what was said, but that's what I took out of the statement.
As for the 'Ridiculous Psionics' bit, I meant that the character's build (Which was built by someone who has WAY too much time on his hands and knows how to play/build a psionic character) has some ridiculously powerful abilities. He does more damage than the party warmage from time to time because of his ability to pump more points into his powers.
Satisfied? Oh, and I claim to be no master of psionics, myself. I've played exactly one session using a psionic character, though I actually built mine by myself. According to my character sheet (It was a long time ago), it was a Psion Uncarnate Kineticist.
Anyway. Back on topic. Not a d&d one, but funny nonetheless. The only necessary background is that I was playing a character with an ability to improvise almost anything as a weapon. We were fighting some wolves that an evil force had sent into town to terrorise people, and I'd just downed one of them, with several more to go.
Me. "How much damage does a wolf do?"
DM. *Reads out wolf attacks*
Me. "No. How much damage does a wolf do? I'm going to pick it up and batter the other ones to death with it."
The kids had never played a tabletop RPG before (though dad was one of better fighters in his younger days), and I thought that D&D might take a bit long for them in character creation and whatnot, so I got their feet wet with my 2nd place fave "The Magpie Codex". Fast to start, easy to learn, a busy groups' dream. I've got the whole thing on a thumbdrive, which I tend to keep with me. Their dad is at the table and my husband is with us. Mom took advantage of the break to go have some quite time on her own.
Looking over the weapon descriptions, the son decides he wants to play a barbarian with a battle axe. He saw that the weapon could "cleave through foes". As he wrote down his weapon, he realized he had forgotten to write down the damage. So he asked;
"What kind of cleavage does my barbarian have?"
Amidst the ensuing chaos and the realization of what he'd just said, Grog the half-orc barbarian has a new battle cry:
"See my cleavage and die!"
"What kind of cleavage does my barbarian have?"
Gotta love them ankle biters! ^_^
'cept I would assume a 13-year-old is somewhat taller than that...
Had some pretty silly things happen tonight, but the only one I can remember now is the "Troll of Trouble"
Someone was making a (stupid) side-comment, so I grabbed a Large Mini (yes I just said that) and slammed it down in front of his character. I then noticed the piece I grabbed was a Troll.
I then proclaimed that any more unprovoked OOC trolling would result in facing the Troll of Trouble. I was then awarded the Troll of Trouble for the aforementioned comment.
In other news, my group's Greatbow Ranger is now training a Spitting Drake he stole from some of the Lizardfolk they fought tonight. In the middle of combat, he decided he wanted to keep it, so he started throwing it some trail food (salted beef) and making Nature checks.
This Ranger is getting kind of annoying, in a funny sort of way. He can't hit anything in Melee, and is actually more effective using a Greatbow at point blank range than he is using dual swords (despite being stated out for melee combat!).
In addition, he somehow can't roll below a 14 for any skill checks. He's rolled 20s for probably a dozen skill checks now, but never any during combat. :/
(paraphrasing, naturally)
Player1: You're not going to just leave that there, are you?
Player2: Yeah, a skeleton arm could come in handy.
Player3: Go back and pick it up.
Warlord: What? No way.
Player1: Seriously it could come in handy.
Player2: Thousand and one uses.
Warlord: Fine. I'll pick it up.
Player1: You picked it up? Gross!
Player2: What's wrong with you?
Player3: You've got serious problems! You're sick!!!
...at this point the conversation degenerated into various suggestions of things she could do sexually with the hand, but later on when the Ranger was examining the footprints on the beach for more clues she whipped the arm out of her pack and said:
"You need a hand with that?"
We could not stop laughing.
Though I anticipate that the puns will grow old fast next session...
Fighter: Ummm....
Efreeti: Go on, what's your wish?
Fight: I wish... I wish that you were a stick of butter!
Me: The Efreeti turns into a giant stick of butter, which engulfs and partially crushes you. Make a Reflex Save to take half damage.
Fighter: *Rolls* 12.
Me: *Rolls* You take 99 DMG.
Fighter: I only have 96 HP after the fight we had with those Demons.
Me: Your unconscious, at -3 HP, losing 1 HP per round.
Paladin: I start digging through the butter.
The Paladin eventually got to the Fighter in time and healed him. The Fight now has a fear of butter.
....
....
....
....
....Why exactly did the fighter wish for that?
"I wish you were a giant stick of butter?"
....
....
....
....
....Why exactly did the fighter wish for that?
I was wondering the same question. Well, his character knew from popular lore and myths that Efreeti were evil and corrupted gifts. So, to stop it from hurting anybody else, he decided to turn it into something harmless.
I was wondering the same question. Well, his character knew from popular lore and myths that Efreeti were evil and corrupted gifts. So, to stop it from hurting anybody else, he decided to turn it into something harmless.
So...why a stick of butter, and not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?
The efreet could have turned him into butter too.
The Efreeti was bound to furfill others' wishes, unable to furfill his own.
So...why a stick of butter, and not the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man?
He knew how that would've turned out.
They break down the massive double doors at the main entrance. Goblins are charging at them, some hidden behind cover and lobbing stones and arrows. The dwarf barbarian lifts his masterwork falchion into the air and says amidst the chaos, "I am here to do two things: drink ale and kick ass, and the Queen forbade ale!" Classic line with his own twist. It was both hilarious and cinematic.
Later on in that same go at the goblins, the pair come upon a monstrous centipede bull, which the goblins apparently raise for milk and meat. They are badly beaten and Nugoz, the goblin chieftain-cleric has been skirmishing with them, leaving them weakened. Soone narrows his eyes and tells me, "I want to fly at that centipede like a salmon and headbutt it in the underside."
There were some great moments that session. It was those two player's first time, so it was good that it went well...
The dwarf barbarian lifts his masterwork falchion into the air and says amidst the chaos, "I am here to do two things: drink ale and kick ass, and the Queen forbade ale!"
That is just made of so much win. The player deserves a
Cade: Ranger
Nick: Bard
Me: Rogue
Brendan: Cleric
Brian: Fighter, specialized in spiked chain
Now, our party is traversing through the World's Largest Dungeon, a monstrosity of a dungeon that potentially takes 16 years to finish at one session a week. We just started at level 1, and our Fighter has already managed to kill the party Sorcerer (Who was at -9 from a dire rat attack, and the Fighter fouled up his untrained Heal check to save him). This session, he's having exactly zero luck on rolling anything - nothing above a natural 4. He's already lost 7 points of Con and is down to -1 modifier.
We moved on to a dark room where we had to fight giant mosquito-like things. Now, since the Cleric (Whose AC was highest at 19 with a shield) went first, he got swarmed by four of 'em, and was about to have his blood sucked out. The DM decided that it was a 20% chance to hit the Cleric on any given attack.
The fighter, who's been having no luck all day, finally rolls a natural 16. He then goes to roll the percentile to see if he hits the Cleric. His roll? 8%. 10 damage to the Cleric, dropping him to 0. We saved him, luckily (The Ranger actually was trained in Heal), but we came damn close to losing the second character made by Brendan that day. To the party Fighter.
One other line came up, when discussing Epic level characters.
"See, when most classes reach level 20, like Barbarians and Fighters and such, they're still playing the game 'Dungeons & Dragons'. When magic-using classes, like Wizards and Sorcerers hit 20, they start playing the game 'Rocket Launcher Tag.'"
This came up because the player's Warmage in another campaign has a max HP of 89 points...and can dish out 287 damage without rolling a single die.
Upon getting a new magic item
Wizard Player: "Who has their head slot open?"
Several others: "Ouch!"
The bard hit with an attack.
DM: "How much damage do you do?"
Bard: "I do damage?"
Warlock Player: "Have we killed anything yet?"
Paladin Player: "Just my inner child."
After a good hit, but poor damage roll.
Cleric Player: "Where is the ka boom? There was suppose to be an earth shattering ka boom?"
Ranger scores large amounts of damage. (50+ IIRC)
DM: "You skipped bloody and he is dead."
Ranger Player: "I didn't mean to jog him so hard."
The party is in a room with an old dead body hanging from the ceiling.
"On the ceiling, about 12 feet above, a dead human, skin shriveled and blackened, hangs by chains horizontally in a spread eagle position."
Then after the combat that ensued the party wanted to talk to get guy on the ceiling.
DM: "Do you remember the description of the body?"
Fighter Player: "You said he was well hung."
A
to the first person to tell me where that room description came from.Me: PJ jumps over to help Quinn fight the hidious Flaming Skeleton.
DM: Paelas' parents were killed by Gnolls. He hates them. It's in his origins.
Me: Ummm.... well.... Have you ever heard of people getting attached to people who abuse them? Well, my character was the Gnoll who killed his parents and frequintly abused him and...
DM: Fine. He's not racist. He just doesn't trust Gnolls.
It was actually a great session. All the players had time to shine.
Some from our game last night.
Upon getting a new magic item
Wizard Player: "Who has their head slot open?"
Several others: "Ouch!"
The bard hit with an attack.
DM: "How much damage do you do?"
Bard: "I do damage?"
Warlock Player: "Have we killed anything yet?"
Paladin Player: "Just my inner child."
After a good hit, but poor damage roll.
Cleric Player: "Where is the ka boom? There was suppose to be an earth shattering ka boom?"
Ranger scores large amounts of damage. (50+ IIRC)
DM: "You skipped bloody and he is dead."
Ranger Player: "I didn't mean to jog him so hard."
The party is in a room with an old dead body hanging from the ceiling.
"On the ceiling, about 12 feet above, a dead human, skin shriveled and blackened, hangs by chains horizontally in a spread eagle position."
Then after the combat that ensued the party wanted to talk to get guy on the ceiling.
DM: "Do you remember the description of the body?"
Fighter Player: "You said he was well hung."
A
sounds like something from Silent Hill.
sounds like something from Silent Hill.
Or Fallout 3.
"We have a naked stripper tied up in the trunk, can we use your basement?"
This is made even funnier by the fact that it was said by an angel.
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard 6
Duskan: half-orc ranger 6
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue 6
Hirayaku Izikawa: human samurai 5
The party are in the city of feral dwarves (the resUlt of centuries of fighting orcs to their east) and this is Duskan after being introduced to the local authorities:
Duskan: I'm half-orc and I'm sorry
Later, Katrina pitched a fit about seeping in the barracks with Dwarf men and Elim had this one-liner:
Elim: Pitch a tent outside the front door if you want privacy.
Katrina: We're underground why would I... oh... HEY!
And Elim, again, with this gem at the very end of the session:
Elim: Creatures are made of XP
Warden: What's the Azure Jelly doing?
Shaman: I think it's still "nomming" Warse.
Invoker: *muffled noises*
Edit: Post 666? Creepy.
We were just starting out a game, and I was playing a minotaur fighter named Samson. The rest of the party doesn't matter so much save for our Wizard, Xan, was the only one who spoke Elven. We happened upon another player's character, who was playing a kitsune (homebrew, obviously) from the feywild. At this point, she didn't speak common yet, so I had Xan translate. She seemed combat-capable, and I wanted to recruit her in our expedition.
After some charades, our conversation started.
Samson: *coughs* "Well, I was wondering if you would like to join us in our expedition!"
Xan: *looks over at the kitsune* "He's sexually attracted to you!"
It went down hill from there with Xan translating honestly from there on out, including as I asked her why she wouldn't join me, and that I could pay for her services if required.
It was instantly classic. Also...
Ranger: I use circling strike.
DM: And what's that do?
Wizard: Strike like a circle!
Xan: *looks over at the kitsune* "He's sexually attracted to you!"
...
I could pay for her services if required.
Wizard: Strike like a circle!
Nice. I just got home from the campaign I'm running now, and tonight was a blast.
I'm gonna train my Walrus!
Ranger is training his horse to respond to various spoken commands and other things like that. I told him that I would eventually let him upgrade his horse to a Warhorse with enough training.
Ranger: I'm training my horse again tonight. *rolls awesome nature check*
Me: OK, congratulations! You now have a Warhorse!
Player who wasn't listening: Wait, how did he get a Walrus!?!
Me & Ranger:
I attack the wall
The fighter set off a magical trap, which sealed him in a room with some kobolds via a Wall of Force.
Bard & Shaman (both trained in Arcana): Let's attack the wall and free him!
Ranger PC: *facepalm*
Fighter PC: Um... Why don't you just use arcana to dispel it...
Bard & Shaman: Oh! Great idea!
Fear me! I am Troll... the Kobold!
I was sketching out the terrain for the next encounter, drawing a bridge.
Ranger: Oh, great, there's going to be a troll isn't there.
Me: Great idea! I'm totally doing it now! :P
As they started crossing the bridge, a small, well armed Kobold hopped out of hiding, standing in the center of the bridge. "You Shall Not Pass!" he squeaks.
As the PCs try to reason with him, another (much smarter) kobold joins in, saying "Don't listen to them Troll! They aren't allowed to see the master!"
And thus, Troll the Kobold was born. He escaped the battle, and will be causing trouble at a later date. :D
The Crowning Moment of Awesome tonight, however, was the battle cry of a Dragonborn Bard killing a hippogriff with a goat.
One of the things I vowed to do as a DM was to have some serious, epic moments, some intense plot twists, and the occasional dose of utter absurdity. I got that chance when the party was escorting a merchant caravan through the mountains.
There, they encountered all manner of happy animals, including bears, panthers, kobalds, wolves, and...
"What is this, queer eye for the Shadar-Kai?"
Marshall:"These are grave accusations, I'm not sure how I should respond to this..."
Fighter: "How about, 'Thanks, I completely believe you and here's a battalion of soldiers to help"?
Hey Paladin! Bend over I need to use you real quick!
I don't know you that well!
The paladin was in melee with a dragon when it started flying away. Ranger wanted to springboard off the paladin to catch it. But that line had us in stitches for awhile.
Another good one, our party had just walked through a portal that we KNEW led us into the viscinity of some bad guys lair.
Listen if anyone challenges us just let me handle it!
*party walks through portal*
Ok you guys see a guard leaning against the wall 20 feet away where it turns a corner.
I throw my boomerang at him.
I told you to let me handle it!
And I told you I am throwing my boomerang! I might insta-kill him!
*dice roll*
He isn't dead. But he did cry out in pain and is now rubbing his head.
Well Hello there! Don't be upset, we aren't here to hurt you!
Was that a ****ing boomerang?!
Just making sure you were on your toes!
Naturally, I slit its throat, and hailed the group.
Me: "What are you all doing down here?"
Group: "We are looking for an artifact..." *explains situation*
Me: "I might be of assistance, for a fair cut of the treasure."
Group: "Agreed!" *introduces all the shady characters.*
Me: "Who is THAT man?" *pointing towards the fighter*
Fighter: "I am the champion of all that is good, and lawful. You watch yourself or I shall banish you from the realm of the living!"
Group: "He killed a prisoner in cold blood on the way here."
Fighter: "...well stranger, I BANISH YOU FROM THE REALM OF THE LIVING!"
Just then, the door is kicked open and a bunch of baddies come rushing into the room, weapons drawn. By now, the fighter is all but screeching his warcry: "I BANISH YOU ALL FROM THE REALM OF THE LIVING!"
During the fight, the fighter takes the opportunity to get a few hits off on my assassin. My assassin remarks, "You just slaughtered creatures with abandon and attacked a group member from behind. What sort of insane, dishonorable, evil person are you?"
Fighter: "...oh. I... I banish... from the realm... of the living?"
Group Leader: "I swear to the gods if you both don't stop right now, I'm turning this party around! Rogue, I know you're trying to convince him he's evil so he commits suicide. Stop. And Fighter, leave the mean old rogue alone."
From then on, the fighter screeched his warcry anytime he engaged in combat. OR diplomacy.
Group Leader: "I swear to the gods if you both don't stop right now, I'm turning this party around! ..."
I've used this line in multiple editions and campaigns. My friends squabble a lot.
I couldn't say it without laughing, even though it was true.
-me
But how can so many pancakes gag and bound Rose if she's only 3 feet tall?
-my friend
(Did the description come from Chicago?)
But the dragon's in the gem shop watching me vomit!
-me
But how can so many pancakes gag and bound Rose if she's only 3 feet tall?
-my friend
(Did the description come from Chicago?)
You know, it seems everyone either gives WAY more set-up than necessary and makes the overall effect lost, or gives out a line that leaves you scratching your head thinking "How the heck did that come up?"
Sard: *Looks at wrist* This compass doesn't work. It just takes me around in really big circles.
Other character: ...that's a clock.
We had to stop playing for a few minutes after that one.
Oh, and this one came up again (Might have been in here a while back, not certain), when we were talking about a high-level campaign.
"You see, when melee specialists like Fighters and Barbarians get to epic level, they're still playing 'Dungeons & Dragons'. When casters, like Warmages and Wizards get to epic level, they start playing a game called 'Rocket Launcher Tag'."
On said websites, we also have a place for quotes from various games. Try these on for size.
"I'm going to ride the changeling." - no, I don't have any recollection of how this came up but it's funny on it's own.
"What's a manacle?"
"It's like a monacle, but for a man. It's a manacle!"
"I'm like Mount Healimanjaro!" - again, no real context but funny.
"A vampire has to rest by his grave-earth."
"If I were to eat the dirt, would the vampire have to sleep with me?"
In a dungeon room filling with water, there were 4 wheels that opened a drain in the floor. Sadly, there was also a bunch of elementals making sure that didn't happen.
"So, we gotta dutch rudder these cranks?"
"Hey, ***hole! That's no way to treat a princess!" - Said by my brother's dragonborn ex-pit fighter (who is DEFINITELY not a princess.)
"I guess I have no choice but to seduce the dwarf..."
"Okay, he goes to make himself more comfortable."
"OMG, I didn't realize they had TWO beards!"
"Wait, what's she doing in the backroom with the Bard?"
"...I'll explain the birds and the balors to you when you're older." - Said to my brother's dragonborn fighter about what the Tiefling and the Bard were up to.
"You're using your daily power to do laundry?" said to my GF when she used form of winter's herald to do laundry in a snow storm.
"Stalagmite, they're from the ground up."
"Depends on which way I'm laying..." Our spacially challenged Deva Invoker.
Since game one, when the Eladrin Warlock couldn't climb a ladder to save his life, it has been decided that he's very overweight and he's gained the nickname "fatty". This is relevant below:
"Are they stairs?"
"No, it's a rope ladder."
"Oh, good. Fatty will never make it up."
"I had a great plan! Let's roll Fatty down the trail and squash the minions like that boulder in Indiana Jones!"
- And I'm spent.
"You're using your daily power to do laundry?" said to my GF when she used form of winter's herald to do laundry in a snow storm.
Your girlfriend deserves at least three cookies for that! I don't think a whole bowl of cookies will fit in this post :P
- I apologise in advance for taking bites out of them!Designing our scouting layout, we start designating our party calls.
Me: 'How about the popular "dieing giraffe"?'
Moo (in a fury): 'No! We always use a dieing giraffe! Some guards are going to be walking along and ones going to go "Hang on, there are adventures about." "How do you know?" "Because I just heard a giraffe die!"'
From our SWSE game:
After my Jedi explains (very incorrectly) who the bad guys are, what they were doing, and why, in an extremely convoluted way, our munitions expert comes up to me.
Bry: 'How did that make any sense to you?'
Me: 'Question not the ways of the Force... That's Jedi for na-na na-na poo-poo.'
Our final combat of the night, I rolled six d20s to activate force powers, getting six 2's in a row. Finally, I am out of offensive powers, so:
Me: 'I contact one of my allies to come help me' ::Natural 20:: 'Hey, I get all my force powers back! Yes! I activate Mind Trick. I"M BACK!'
::d20 roll of 2::
'...to sucking.'
Best assassination award goes to the wizard with extend spell. his target was an alchemist in a tower
Dm: ok you are in position in the tower opposite your target.
Wizard: ok i take aim and get ready to cast a fireball
DM: you mean disintigrate or phantasmal killer or somthing dont you?
next thing kaboom whole tower explodes, target most definitly assassinated though in the most unsubtle way possible
Extend spell can't be used on fireball.
Think he meant enlarge, which for some reason extends the reach of a spell. They are easily mixed up.
Think he meant enlarge, which for some reason extends the reach of a spell. They are easily mixed up.
Yeah, that one always makes me wonder who exactly names these things.
Maximize-Makes sense
Still, silent, nonverbal - Makes sense.
Enlarge should therefore make the area of effect bigger. But it just lets you cast it farther. WTF?
Enlarge should therefore make the area of effect bigger. But it just lets you cast it farther. WTF?
Ya, that's widen, fun huh?:D
Your girlfriend deserves at least three cookies for that! I don't think a whole bowl of cookies will fit in this post :P
Too bad that's the only time in recent memory she's done laundry.
The Dabber hits the Badder with his Dagger
Tired of the assassin, we detonated a C4 charge right above the rear fuel tanks, blowing the back half of the plane to smithereens. The APC flew out of the gaping hole with the party inside.
And then the assassin, with a parachute pack strapped to her back, goes streaking past the vehicle. One member shot at her with a machine gun and got a few hits, though he only wounded her before she was out of sight.
So we're in a falling vehicle with a ticked-off wounded assassin somewhere in the city below after exploding our own plane, and it was my plan so everyone looks at me.
Me: "What?"
Gunslinger: "You pull all this off and you don't have anything clever to say?"
Me: "Um, how about... Yippie Ki Yay, motherf$#@!er."
Gunslinger: "Try 'HOLY !@#$, HOLY !@#$, WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH INTO NEW YORK CITY!'"
Me: "Oh, right. About that..."
(Spoiler:
We survived. They didn't know I had installed a vehicle parachute right before blowing the charges.)
Captain Vulf, a skypirate from the Principalities. In the market for a new ship, so to speak, due to a mutiny. (Rogue)
Grafias: Female Drow druid, naive to the ways of Khorvaire and "modern" civilisation (Druid), surrogate mother to Kam
Rose: Half-Orc first mate. (Warlord)
Kam (my character): 15 year old shifter and ex pit-fighter slave. Still learning how to act in public, and how to be a person, after spending 8 years being treated like an animal. (Monk)
The setup, party has been hired to track down the whereabouts of a university professor's friend who has gone missing somewhere in the underbelly of sharn. So far, we've tracked him down to a pub, your typical hive of scum and villany and are trying to get some information. The captain and the first mate are "inquring" with the Aragorn types in the corner of the bar. Grafias has resorted to using her feminine charms (and Wild Shape) and has retired upstairs with a likely candidate to do some inquiring of her own. Kam is at the bar, feeling kind of lost in a public place. Eventually Grafias gets the information and comes downstairs.
Graf: I've got the information. It wasn't easy I had to...
Vulf: Stop right there, I don't want to hear about your drunken Druidic orgy.
Kam: What's a "drunken Druidic orgy"?
Graf/Kam/Rose: We'll tell you when you're older.
^ this was actually a slip of the tongue from our paladin. He was staring at the gnome miniature when he said it, it caused much hillairity.
"I INHALE THE DEATH GAS" - Village idiot of our party, Jacob
"I know I'll cast entangle! Then I'll cast flame strike! And burn down the orcs!" - Jacob playing my druid when I was absent from a session
"I **** ON THE WIGHT" - Jacob once again
"There's fighting in every square!" - Me
Player 1 & me: *looks*
Me: You sure about that, captain lockjaw?
Player 2: oh, right... tetanus... nevermind.
in retrospect though, I'm not sure the odds of tetanus evolving in a separate dimension are that high. he probably would have been fine.
Dwarf Player: "This character will never fall prone!"
Me: *Attacks with monster with attack that knocks prone.*
Dwarf: *Rolls prone save and fails* *Falls prone*
Group: "So much for not falling prone." *laughs*
It was very hard for anyone to take the fighter's stance and stature seriously after that.
(Me, after the party invoker said he wanted to use insight to look into the next room)
Avos (Healer) by Adam
[Long 'discussion' trying to talk some bandits into giving up their captive peacefully.]
Karn (bandit): I'm done with this talk! Give me back my *ho**!
Burt: Oh, its on b****es...
Adam: Word
***
Ayin (bandit) picks up his sword, walks away, and mounts his horse.
Couran (bandit): Aylin, what are you doing!?
Couran waves his sword wildly in Agrarius' direction.
Couran: Let's get him!
Couran: He killed you!
Burt : lol
Burt: Sorry, I know it's my turn, but I am kind of interested in how this little scene plays out
Karn (bandit): Get back here, Aylin, this fight isn't over!
GM: What is this, dinner theater!? Add some action, b**ch!
Burt: Agrarius stabs Karn with a 17.
***
Agrarius: It's not murder, it's justice!
Agrarius: 15 (damage)
Agrarius: oops...that might be murder...
***
Avos: I made a friend today.
Agrarius: Or did you just let a violent criminal go?
Avos: Both. The violent criminal is my friend now.
***
[Language barrier.]
* Khristina looks back in forth between you.
Agrarius: Hmmm...how do we explain to you that we aren't going to beat and murder you?
***
Adam: Uh oh...you're gay again.
Burt: god d**n it
NOTE: The character has previously had run-ins with cursed items that change sex and/or orientation. No flaming please.
You know, it seems everyone either gives WAY more set-up than necessary and makes the overall effect lost, or gives out a line that leaves you scratching your head thinking "How the heck did that come up?"
"If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."
>_>
<_<
Duncan: You know when you eat a bunch of beans? And you get the farts and it really burns? That's pretty much how it works. But worse.
Bailey: Oh my gods...did I just hear a green dragon's breath weapon likened to a burning fart?
"I'm a people person, I'm no good at killing inanimate objects!"
NOTE: The character has previously had run-ins with cursed items that change sex and/or orientation. No flaming please.
One time my assassin and the rest of his party encountered a town they were only supposed to use to rest and get supplies. Of course, they had spent the past few adventures locked in an epic battle with enemies that had pursued them across the continent, and wanted some mischief in the town, to relieve the tension.
To prevent us from wreaking too much havoc, the DM made every villager a flaming gay man. My assassin was the first to figure it out...
Assassin: "Give me your finest dagger, preferably magical, or I will kill your family, shopkeep."
Shopkeep: "Oh no, that'd jutht be thuper mean! I love my boyfriend!"
Assassin: "You're a man-lover, too? Is EVERYONE in this town a man-lover?"
Shopkeep: "Oh yeth. Pickinth are good, tee hee."
Assassin: "But this town has been here for hundreds of years... HOW DO YOU ALL REPRODUCE AND KEEP THE POPULATION UP?!"
Shopkeep: "Yeah, ith weird."
Entire party: *facepalm*
The party members had infiltrated a masquerade ball and were searching for an assassin. One of their dates, a filthy, gap-toothed prostitute (he brought her along to cause a commotion) turned into a dragon and started devouring guests.
One of my players later asked if I had planted the dragon intentionally or if I had made it up on the spot. I only grinned, but another player said
"He knew at least one of us were going to bring a prostitute to the party."
Patrin - Dragonborn Sorcerer
Derrick - Dwarf Shaman and self-proclaimed hippy-stoner.
Granolga - Longtooth Warden
Samm -- Human Druid. Quiet, and sensible.
Powerful Patron:
I do not like your odds -- but I see no other option.
Patrin:
But I assure you, this will be a triumph.
When we're finished here, we will make a note
"HUGE SUCCESS"
it will be hard to overstate our satisfaction.
Samm:
*smacks patrin*
Derrick:
We'll do what we must because we can.
Granolga:
For the good of all of us.
Derrick:
Except the ones who will be dead.
Samm:
*more smacks*
Patrin:
At any rate.
We should be going.
-------
Granolga:
*whispers* he probably thinks we're idiots.
Patrin:
*whispers* we probably are idiots
Samm:
man, i'm glad adventurers get a free pass on insanity
Derrick:
Wheeee!
Moment's later...
--DM-- (me):
Please tell me you weren't trying to cheer up one of the most powerful men in the world with the portal song...
Patrin's Player:
(deadpan) Why, has he played it?
Quote
Patrin:
But I assure you, this will be a triumph.
When we're finished here, we will make a note
"HUGE SUCCESS"
it will be hard to overstate our satisfaction.
Samm:
*smacks patrin*
Derrick:
We'll do what we must because we can.
Granolga:
For the good of all of us.
Derrick:
Except the ones who will be dead.
Samm:
*more smacks*
Patrin:
At any rate.
We should be going.
Assassin: "But this town has been here for hundreds of years... HOW DO YOU ALL REPRODUCE AND KEEP THE POPULATION UP?!"
Shopkeep: "Yeah, ith weird."
Honestly had me falling out of my chair.
--DM-- (me):
Please tell me you weren't trying to cheer up one of the most powerful men in the world with the portal song...
Patrin's Player:
(deadpan) Why, has he played it?
Another great story! :D
and 
Barmaid: Hey there good lookin, want to come upstairs with me when I'm done working?
Eldarian: Umm... maybe?
Arianna: You get away from him you *****! (Word that means a loose woman, also rhymes with horse.)
Dasper: Hey! She's not a horse!
Completely cracked the table up for like 5 minutes.
It was the final showdown. We were facing the BBEG and his powerful minions. The party was split up, and the half fighting the minions was faring well enough; the other half not so much (gotta hate Contingency Heal...).
Then, the DM interrupts the action.
DM: "You see a growing shadow darkening the sky. It circles above you and is descending at a very fast pace."
Us: "OMG! Is that what we think is is?"
DM: *grinning in an evil fashion* "What's this game called again?" *winks*
Without missing a beat, one of the players shouts "OMFG! IT'S A DUNGEON!"
Cue roaring laughter.
Turns out it was an Ancient Red Dragon.
During one battle, a tortoise he was taking care of got loose and crawled onto the battle mat, stomping over the enemy minis.
Player: "Hooray! The Mighty Terrasque joins the battle on our side!"
Then the tortoise turned and eyed the PC minis. The DM called out in a low, ominous voice,
"Mortal fools. The Terrasque fights for no man. You are all but meat. Tremble in fear as I slowly advance towards you, and devour you whole!"
There was a long pause. The tortoise took a single step towards the minis.
DM: "...yes, slowly advancing, to build the tension before I devour you whole! Keep trembling! Did I mention my slow advance?"
DM"Elf": Now, feel free to rest here, the next siege will not occur until tomorrow morning.
Grr: Are there any elves who can give me a "special" massage?
DM"Elf": ... Why yes, follow me,
Grr: (OOC) I walk inside
DM"TentElf": Why hello there... lay down and all your troubles will go away...
Grr: (OOC) Wait... are these guy elves? or girl elves?
DM: Guy elves.
Grr: (OOC) I tell them I don't want their services and walk out.
DM: Before you walk out, the massage therapist grabs you and puts his finger to your lips.
DM"TentElf": Don't worry hun, all your troubles will go away...
DM: You are given a happy ending with your massage.
Party:
Bard: (OOC) Ok... I use the Vicious Mockery power at the dire bear. *rolls, hits*
DM: The bear turns to look at you, offended as you told him his mother sold out due to the Snuggles commercials. The bear cries a tear and now has a -2 penalty to attack rolls as it tries to dry its eyes.
While we were playing a mod that took place on the Moonshae Isles at his house, a couple of walking salesmen showed up and interrupted our game.
So, he goes outside to see them and talks to them COMPLETELY IN CHARACTER. I didn't hear everything but here's what I did hear.
Hydra: Hail there friends! What quest brings y'all here?
Salesmen: (long pause) *says what they are selling*
Hydra: Well, sorry bout that, I have to go save some people on the Moonshae Isles! Perhaps you'd like ta join us?
Salesmen: .....Why don't you just take our card?
We were cracking up for a good 10 minutes over that one.
He did the same thing awhile ago to a telemarketer, telling him that he had just cursed the dragon and it was about to eat our cleric.
He did the same thing awhile ago to a telemarketer, telling him that he had just cursed the dragon and it was about to eat our cleric.
I love messing with telemarketers. Gotta try that some day. :D
Grell: "You're too late! You may kill me, but by the time I fall, my master will have completed his ritual to send this entire city to the Far Realms, where you will all die horrible painful deaths!"
PC: "Oh, that's what the plan is?"
Grell: "Yes- we were going to pick a more benevolent spot, but your arrival changed our plans. Can't have you undoing the spell." (The PC's have alread figured out how to reverse the process by undoing a small-scale test.)
PC: "You know, if you had just asked us not to interfere, we would've left. We really don't care about this city."
Grell: "...you really could have told me that sooner."
I'm just curious. If they were an evil party, what was motivating them? I think I would have had them trying to stop the Care-Bears from enslaving everyone with good feelings and friendship as party of their cutesy plot to conquer the world with kindness and lollipops. jk:D
Best. Campaign. Ever
Our DM that week (I've heard his leg is seriously injured in some fashion. Ouch.): Where?
Deception: Oh, pretty much anywhere where there are 25 soldiers in a bunch.
(the campaign I'm in has like no RP)
During Game Day, previewing the PHB2 classes:
Bard: (OOC) Ok... I use the Vicious Mockery power at the dire bear. *rolls, hits*
DM: The bear turns to look at you, offended as you told him his mother sold out due to the Snuggles commercials. The bear cries a tear and now has a -2 penalty to attack rolls as it tries to dry its eyes.
The bard in one of my groups does this regularly - explains exactly what he's saying to mock the enemies. This one came up when we were facing skeletons:
Bard: Vicious Mockery *rolls and misses* "Well then, skeleton, you look very pink!"
Skeleton: "I am not pink! I'm more of a purplish color."
So, so random.
The bard in one of my groups does this regularly - explains exactly what he's saying to mock the enemies. This one came up when we were facing skeletons:
Bard: Vicious Mockery *rolls and misses* "Well then, skeleton, you look very pink!"
Skeleton: "I am not pink! I'm more of a purplish color."
So, so random.
haha yes. I do that too. They tried to mock an ogre, and failed and I said to them "You tell the ogre, that his mother was an ogre. The ogre scratches his head and agrees with you before continuing his vicious assault."
Another one we had in our party was a wizard with illusory ambush.
Max: I cast illusory ambush on him.. and I send him the image of Warforged Teddybears with buzz saw teeth coming to eat him! (rolls & crits)
THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU SUCKA.
DM: The image of the Warforged teddybears is just too much for the kobold. You see blood start coming out of his nose and ears and he falls over.
Max: Sweet! Warforged teddybears scared him to death!
Talking about the warlock.
Paladin: "It doesn't matter, he never hits anyway."
The bard begged for and got a stick for a weapon.
Bard: "Is my stick +1?"
DM: "No"
Fighter: "It's a limp stick."
Bard: "I want a +1 stick, how do I do that."
DM: "The wizard needs to spend an hour with your stick."
Fighter: "He needs the wizard to make his stick a +1 stick?"
The paladin uses lay on hands. (rogue is a woman, all others are men.)
Fighter: "He is touching you."
Rogue: "Oh baby do it again."
Fighter: "I don't think he can."
Rogue: "He is spend, wait 15 mins."
Discussing someone's movement.
DM: "You can be 2 farther closer."
Tredon is the warlock.
Bard: "Can I identify it?"
DM: "If you have Arcana trained."
Bard: "I have Arcana, what do I do?"
DM: "Spend 5 mins with it."
Wizard: "I do not want to spend 5 mins with Tredon's wand."
To an air elemental
Fighter: "Your momma blows."
PS: No one guessed correctly about the room description.
Tredon is the warlock.
Bard: "Can I identify it?"
DM: "If you have Arcana trained."
Bard: "I have Arcana, what do I do?"
DM: "Spend 5 mins with it."
Wizard: "I do not want to spend 5 mins with Tredon's wand."
Just to say, the DM is wrong. You either spend 5 minutes with it to discover the properties, OR you roll arcana if you can't discover the properties. (pg 223)
Hilarious none the less
We always had the lay on hands jokes flying around with a paladin.
It's funny when that paladin is a ditzy elf :P
For some reason that reminded me of another one from our paladin.
We hear this one often:
Paladin: "I mount the pig."
Just to say, the DM is wrong. You either spend 5 minutes with it to discover the properties, OR you roll arcana if you can't discover the properties. (pg 223)
It is an artifact, so I made then use arcana. Yes I kinda mixed both ways, but hey it was my call.
I'm just curious. If they were an evil party, what was motivating them? I think I would have had them trying to stop the Care-Bears from enslaving everyone with good feelings and friendship as party of their cutesy plot to conquer the world with kindness and lollipops. jk:D
The motivation was imminent doom- if the BBEG's ritual wasn't stopped, everyone in the city and surrounding area would die. They were in the city and surrounding area, and by the time they figured out what was going on, didn't have enough time to get out of range.
That said, the Care-Bears are an awesome idea. *jots note down in ideas folder*
haha yes. I do that too. They tried to mock an ogre, and failed and I said to them "You tell the ogre, that his mother was an ogre. The ogre scratches his head and agrees with you before continuing his vicious assault."
Another one we had in our party was a wizard with illusory ambush.
Max: I cast illusory ambush on him.. and I send him the image of Warforged Teddybears with buzz saw teeth coming to eat him! (rolls & crits)
THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU SUCKA.
DM: The image of the Warforged teddybears is just too much for the kobold. You see blood start coming out of his nose and ears and he falls over.
Max: Sweet! Warforged teddybears scared him to death!
Reminds me of a line I had always wanted to use with illusory ambush. It requires the party be ambushed.
"Ambush us?! We've known about you for days. We're ambushing you!" *illusory ambush + bluff check* I so wish I got the chance to use it. Of course, it was probably an underpowered option, what with it being the half-elf's dilettante power. Even if the half-elf was a tactical warlord. (Who I played much like a bard, before they came out. Emphasis on the old bardic knowledge. He was the son of two adventurers, and he had grown up hearing all their old stories. So much of what he did was recalling his parents' exploits and trying what worked for them).
After defeating him once again, he jets off in a rocket-propelled escape craft shaped like a giant screwdriver. The party is then left free to wander through his lab (after disabling the self-destruct device) and look through his stuff. Dr. Shiesskopf wasn't very organized, but there were generally sheafs of notes left lying around on tables and stuff with details on what he was working on. Some samples:
Next to some sketches of some kind of bear with feathers, or perhaps an obese eagle with teeth:
In spite of my best efforts, I have been unable to find a bear and an owl who were in love and willing to have children. The bearowl project has been scrapped for the time being. Too bad; I really wanted to know if they'd hoot or growl...
Next to a big suit of armor, large enough to be a golem if it weren't hollow:
...Wrist-mounted fireball wands, some alchemists-fire catapaults on the back, maybe compartments to unleash smaller golems from... and I'll make it taller. Yes, much taller. They will pay dearly for calling me "Shorty..."
Next to some kind of orb with two little indentations on it marked "record" and "play." Hitting the play button made the orb emit a sound like maniacal laughter.
I think I've finally got it. If I drink a full glass of milk and eat some peperoni pizza before I start, the evil cackle comes out as a baritone. It's making me hoarse, but DAMN I sound good!
Next to a small armored carriage (very small) with a heavy crossbow mounted on it
The squirrel-tank is complete. Now I just need to train some squirrels to pilot it! These things are remarkably inexpensive, so if all goes well I should be able to replace my disposable minions with an army of squirrels in just a few months. All shall tremble before my rodent army and despair!
-translates to-
"small s***head"
to help those illiterate to even basic German...
Funny inventions though. Did the Owlbear already exist at that point?
*Misses the VD Clinic*
After a moment of awkward silence (and OOC/IC glances at each other) our cleric, Yu, goes up to the NPC's desk.
Yu: "So, uh, what do you do here?"
*party looks at Yu like she's crazy. He's just a clerk!?!*
NPC: "See this?" *gestures to mounds of paperwork on desk* "It's paper. I push it."
Same Cleric, played by L, OOC Reading from PHB: "...You can target shatter against a single solid object... weighing up to-" *does the math* "40 pounds. How much is 40 pounds? Like a small child? I could shatter a small child!"
(This is from the one who came home to find her family murdered, two children included, which is why she became a cleric-to save others.)
Entire party: O.O
DM: "L, are you okay?"
L: "What?"
Me: "Did you hear what you just said?"
L: "I could shatter a-- OMG"
The shock wore off and we all just kept laughing at her. She doesn't get to live that one down. Ever.
The Elf steps forwards, raises his arms and speaks aloud to the crowd.
"People of Sunsword! It is time to step forwards to fight for your land. Do not fear, as the Mages have multiple spells which will aid you in the fight!"
The fighter pips in,
"You'll fight like ninja's!"
Rolls Bluff.
Roll 20.
Charging towards the wall comes the party, followed by the entire civilian population.
"Reinforcements have arrived!"
"You'll fight like ninja's!"
....
Charging towards the wall comes the party, followed by the entire civilian population.
"Reinforcements have arrived!"
Though, doesn't this risk invoking the Inverse Ninja Law?
He was the son of two adventurers, and he had grown up hearing all their old stories. So much of what he did was recalling his parents' exploits and trying what worked for them).
You know there's a Background for that, which lets you roll Knowledge checks regarding monsters twice, and take the best result?
Adam: Uh oh...you're gay again.
Burt: god d**n it
Batman and Robin? :D
(Adam West & Burt Ward)
You know there's a Background for that, which lets you roll Knowledge checks regarding monsters twice, and take the best result?
Yeah, I've learned about it. Found it on the Character Builder. Too bad I made this character before background benefits were released (or any of PH2). None of us were using backgrounds. Also - the character is retired temporarily, as the campaign is on hiatus.
Batman and Robin? :D
(Adam West & Burt Ward)
Lol, no, I don't DM for Batman and Robin. :P
"Yes, Robin. Fortunately, I had my trusty Bat-Shark Repellant".
No. I didn't make that one up. It actually happened.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0UJaprpxrk
I remember when they were saved from the helicopter going down when they landed on a (I think) pile of rubber and tires from a rubber and tires convention nearby.
Although my favorite scene, bar none, is when Batman finds the bomb and is running all over the pier trying to find a safe place to let it detonate - and all the most inconvenient things stop him from throwing it away. And the scene lasts for a good 5 minutes!
I just checked You-tube. Unfortunately, as much as I hate to burst your bubble, it's called "Shark repellent bat-spray"; not "Bat-shark repellent" as a more cheesy alternative.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0UJaprpxrk
Awwww. Now what am I supposed to do when I get attacked by the ferocious Bat-Shark.
You have to remember that, in the time the live action was made, people like Jack Chick would be considered the greatest leaders of morality..
The Catholic League of Decency got all over the show for Burt Ward's 'package' being too noticeable...they had him taking pills to shrink it and wearing what were basically horribly tight jock straps. Eventually he quit the torture without telling anyone and just kept his cape over himself. :P Poor guy.
And despite all the morality being sold on the screen, those two were notorious ladies men backstage with their groupies...
Anyway!
**********
Lucius (evil warrior cleric): [long list of possible cohorts he's thinking of]
Marelth (evil dread necromancer): *sigh* So much evil, so little time.
Player: I grab him by the shirt and say, "If you don't tell me what I want to know, I'll rip your spine out and strangle you to death with it."
DM: Alright, roll Bluff.
Player: Who said I was bluffing?
The next line happened when we restarted our campaign (It turns out that a straight Fighter and Soulknife can't take one 4 level 14 Umber Hulks at level 18. Who knew?) with two new characters, a Paladin/Gray Guard (Me) and the High Inquisitor, a Favored Soul/Church Inquisitor.
The Inquisitor decided to discard his cloak and inquisitor badge in order to subtly do some information gathering (People fear the Inquisition. For good reason.). After a short look around, he discovers someone wearing a High Inquisitor badge and cloak, trying to bully him for his money. Then, this:
(Real Inquisitor): Wait a minute, is that my badge...?
DM: He's trying to bully you for your money. You know, you really shouldn't leave your badge and cloak lying around like that...
Cue short pause, then the three of us hit the floor.
Rogue: are you falling head first or upright?
Cleric (falling): *grabs a coin* heads or tails has never been more appropriate.
DM: Ok, I think we need some background music for this *opens laptop*
Cleric: Let the bodies hit the floor?
There's actualy a song from Bionicle that fits that situation.... 3 guesses on what it's called
Free Falling?
Seriously, I don't know. And now I'm sad. I used to be so into Bionicle. But then I needed to start buying the books as well as getting the comic to follow the plot, and the comics came home rather than to college, and I moved on. I've heard it's kind of gotten... less good... lately. And where is the song from in Bionicle exactly? Certainly not the first two movies. The theme music had no words, so I can't imagine it being appropriate.
I've always wanted to try a game based off of Bionicle...
Gravity Hurts, it's the theme for the Phantoka line.
I've always wanted to try a game based off of Bionicle...
*rofl* That's awesome! XD
Dr. Klein Shiesskopf.
-translates to-
"small s***head"
to help those illiterate to even basic German...
Actually it translates to "small shoothead". But if you replace the ie with ei...
Funny inventions though. Did the Owlbear already exist at that point?
Yes, those inventions where really funny.
Bard: Is there anything else you need help with?
NPC: Actually, yes... The Lord and the rich here... well they don't treat us poorer people quite right.. They look down on us, like they're better than us.
The LE Sorceress in the group put her hand on the DM's shoulder and said, "Honey, that's how it is in all towns."
Then, this happened:
Wizard: I use Fey Step to teleport behind him and then push him through...Natural 18.
Paladin: Total of...15.
DM: I can't believe this is happening, but the scrawny wizard manages to push the paladin wearing heavy metal armor into the hole. Paladin takes 2 damage.
Me: (Avenger) I slide down the ladder into the trapdoor and say, "You really should have used the ladder."
Ahh, that's a fun campaign.
Since we play online via Maptool, we had this gem.
Me: Several Horus later.
Me: Er... you know. Time. Not the god.
Phil:Oh no, we're fighting DEITIES?!
Phil:We is a-gonna DIE!!
Jerry:it's okay
Jerry:we have a pit.
We just finished a minor dungeon crawl and somehow the topic of the Big Bang Theory came up. My DM is a serious science geek...
DM: *Ranting on how it makes total sense*
ME: *Making arguments that make sense in the wee hours of the morning*
Party: You are in idiot BBT is legit!
ME: But the red shift might be celestial migration that just happens to all be in a seemingly outward direction
RANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANTRANT
ME: You know what?!?!?!.....lets just play some f***** D&D
We had some interesting shenanigans during our last 4e session. We started a campaign with some newer players who didn't quite know how to play, and when the party had to go through a trapdoor, the party's Paladin decided to push the Wizard through the door. (Don't blame him, it's his first time playing, and he wasn't doing so hot in the previous encounter)
Then, this happened:
Wizard: I use Fey Step to teleport behind him and then push him through...Natural 18.
Paladin: Total of...15.
DM: I can't believe this is happening, but the scrawny wizard manages to push the paladin wearing heavy metal armor into the hole. Paladin takes 2 damage.
Me: (Avenger) I slide down the ladder into the trapdoor and say, "You really should have used the ladder."
Ahh, that's a fun campaign.
Don't think of it as a push, think of it as a shoulderbump. ;)
My PCs had the opportunity to ambush some bad guys coming through a canyon. They had spent a couple of game-hours prepping the terrain -- rigging some loose rocks, digging some 10-foot pits.
Since we play online via Maptool, we had this gem.
Me: Several Horus later.
Me: Er... you know. Time. Not the god.
Phil:Oh no, we're fighting DEITIES?!
Phil:We is a-gonna DIE!!
Jerry:it's okay
Jerry:we have a pit.
So random...yet so funny. :D
***
So, here's one from several months ago:
{Background}
So, we found a bunch of Satyrs partying in a forest, and ended up partying with them. (blame the fighter. she ran right on in...O.o) Stuff happened, and eventually just about everybody was passed out drunk (except for our rouge :devil
So, three of the satyrs were only faking drunk, and started looting their fellows.
DM: So, this Satyr is looting Satyr number one
...(compressed)...
DM: And this big-a$$ Satyr (about the size of a Goliath!) is looting Satyr number...drunk.
Que
by whole table.* * *
Another, from a bit earlier that session
So, during the party, we got the opportunity to win some cool stuff in a series of contests. The rougegot a Flaming dagger, the fighter got a pendant worth a LOT of $$$, and the mage got drunk.
As for me (an Elven Ranger with a Nature skill (4e) through the roof), it was...interesting.
I participated in a drinking contest with a big a$$ Satyr (epicly won, btw.
), and won an unusual egg. We were all trying to identify it, and I rolled a natural 1 on my Nature check.(my memory's a bit fuzzy, so the line's not quite right...)
Dm: The elf declares (insert drunken voice) That's no chicken egg!
:D
(BTW, it turned out to be a hippogrif egg)
Meh. we thought they were funny.
PROF: And when I have a little spare time, I like to use mirrors as portals, and when the person looking in one least expects it, I suddenly lunge out at them!
ROGUE: Haha! That must scare them quite a bit!
PROF: Scare them? Interesting idea, my dear girl. I suppose that would cause less legal trouble for me than killing them...
Inspired by this picture, I found out...
Jhered - Male Star Elf Duskblade|Bladewind (custom class from here, slightly tweaked... think Joachim from Castlevania) going for Anointed Blade on one side
Gin and Jenny - Male & Female Dvati Monk|Fighter. Jenny doesn't talk much.
Yuri - Female Scorpion Clan Water Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue planning to multi into Psion on the Rogue side and go into Shadowmind
Rin - Male Human Ardent|Psion, party pseudo-healer
Mala - Female Whisper Gnome Lurk|Wilder. Assassiny-type.
Cordor - Male Human Scout|Warblade. Kills Things Dead with a scythe.
Anyone who knows the campaign knows the first part is all about getting aboard a ship full of smugglers and retrieving a ring from the ringleader, Soller Vark. After a day of tinkering around Sasserine gathering info and making contacts, the group gathers back at the inn and talks tactics. Yuri, being a Scorpion, eventually comes up with a plan... which evolves into:
Yuri: "I am needed to distract Vark."
Gin: (taking it the wrong way) "How do you know that's where his tastes lie?" *STARES at Jhered*
Yuri: "Well I presumed his tastes lay in GOLD. But if you think my womanly charms would be better we can try that as well."
Gin: "Like I said, how do you know that's where his tastes lie?" *still staring*
Mala: "How do you know his tastes don't lay in little people?!"
Which then dissolved the session into five minutes of roaring laughter.
Later this came along, mostly due to Yuri's player's verbal dyslexia:
Gin: "But you were seen on the docks."
Yuri: "No, a virgin of me was seen on the docks." (Obviously meaning "version", since she has multiple costumes and masks.)
Gin: "A virgin of you!?"
Jhered: "Been busy?"
And just for kicks, when no one in the party seems to get the idea of her looking different this time around:
Yuri: "Do you people not have disguises in this land!?"
Just as well. I hear they are cheesy power gamers who claim to have just about any piece of equipment on their inventory, if it'll help them.
"Yes, Robin. Fortunately, I had my trusty Bat-Shark Repellant".
No. I didn't make that one up. It actually happened.
Oh, wow, I totally forgot about that one.
Jeez, that's bad.
Me: "What do you really hate?"
After a moment of silence
Me: "DMs asking me question I am not ready for."
The other part that was funny for me, I made them roll initiative to see who got the next question first. So the players who did not get the initiative, started prepping for that question. So I ask each a different one.
Players:
Well it was fun for me. :evillaugh
Oh, wow, I totally forgot about that one.
Jeez, that's bad.
Even better? Look at the other spray-cans: Manta Ray, Barracuda, and Whale. And those are just the "Oceanic" repellants ....
Me: Level 12 Paladin/level 8 Gray Guard.
Grey: Favored Soul/Church Inquisitor
Brendan: Psychic Warrior specialized in Psychic Tattoos.
The DM described to us how a large figure in a trench coat and fedora walked up to us and started talking about the cultists that have been acting in the area. He eventually reached the encounter, which kicked off with this line:
"The figure takes off his coat and fedora to reveal that he is, in fact, a Balor. Roll initiative."
All three of us hit the floor after that one. We actually won the encounter due to incredible luck. After the Balor summoned a partner, it failed its save (One away from what he needed to pass it - on a 4) to avoid being banished by the Favored Soul. Then I managed to kill the lead Balor by hitting him for 50 damage exactly, and it rolled a Nat 1 on its Fort save for massive damage.
The setup: rogue and fighter (2E) are heading down a standard 10' wide corridor. This corridor had been revealed by a large metal sphere breaking open the door (previous room had been, essentially, a large roulette wheel type trap). Rather than spending a lot of time checking each 10' section for traps, the rogue gets the bright idea to roll the sphere down the hallway; he gets the fighter to help. It actually was a bright idea, as there was a pit (fairly deep, though I don't recall exact depth) across the hallway about 30 or 40 feet down the hallway, covered by an illusion.
I described the sphere rolling down the hallway, then suddenly dropping out of view through the "floor." The rogue and fighter start high-fiving each other; on a whim, I thought of the next bit. I told them they saw a large, webbed hand with talons come up and grasp the edge, and then another, followed by a large head with a growing lump on it.
Both players adopted a look of fright and immediately pointed at the other - completely improv. They both got bonus XP from me for that whole bit.
Me: "So some random girl stole our trained rogues sword?"
Dm: "Yeah, pretty much"
...
Me (to rogue): "Im sorry, but your being replaced."
The odd part was that the girl ended up having one more lvl in rogue than he did.
Me: "Sextant? Spirits be tellin me we be headin to the house!" (He has a rasta accent and is laid back. The spirits tell him things.)
PC: "No, it's a device used by sailors to navigate their way between cities."
Me: "Still sounds like houses to me."
This one came up in our so-called 'Shenanigans' campaign. The party includes:
Me: Level 12 Paladin/level 8 Gray Guard.
Grey: Favored Soul/Church Inquisitor
Brendan: Psychic Warrior specialized in Psychic Tattoos.
The DM described to us how a large figure in a trench coat and fedora walked up to us and started talking about the cultists that have been acting in the area. He eventually reached the encounter, which kicked off with this line:
"The figure takes off his coat and fedora to reveal that he is, in fact, a Balor. Roll initiative."
All three of us hit the floor after that one. We actually won the encounter due to incredible luck. After the Balor summoned a partner, it failed its save (One away from what he needed to pass it - on a 4) to avoid being banished by the Favored Soul. Then I managed to kill the lead Balor by hitting him for 50 damage exactly, and it rolled a Nat 1 on its Fort save for massive damage.
Don't tell your DM this, but Massive Damage increases by 10 for each size catagory above medium :P
Don't tell your DM this, but Massive Damage increases by 10 for each size catagory above medium :P
In 3.5 (if that's the version we're talking about), massive damage is presented at a flat 50 points of damage with increasing massive damage thresholds by size being an optional variant.
house!"
Hey, everyone speaks quite highly of the Seamstresses Guild.
The PC name is "Houses/Street of Negotiable Affection."
...
...
I have GOT to stop reading Discworld...
Stop reading Discworld? That's like...sacrilage!Anyway, more funny lines! I think.
I ask my players for names of locations and such when the details aren't important. They get to think up crazy stuff, have some fun, and I'm horrible at names anyway.
So, you make your way to a tavern known as The Buxom Orc. As you enter the tavern, you discover it is quite amply named after the matron.
Dwarf: *mimes getting very drunk*
Dragonborn: *mimes puking*
Ranger (Drow): *mimes ripping out his eyes and stabbing them*
Swordmage (Human): *mimes the Joey style
*A gun gives you the body, not the bird
When the pain is great enough, we will let anyone be doctor.
Some **** I've said in my games. Ironicaly playing as a warlord. I got dubbed "the neutral evil Kamina".
By library, I mean the entire county I live in. Even with the books they have, any series is incomplete. There's the last two books of the Mallorean and the first two of the Belgariad.
Ones of the useful things about the Discworld in that regards is it is made up of a number of sub-series. Check it out on wikipedia, you might get lucky and they will have a few in the sub-series
"Take the Louvre. A common pickpocket will steal a few wallets. A burglar will hold up the gift shop and steal money from the register. A master thief will steal the Mona Lisa. A supervillain will steal the Louvre."
Where in the world
is
Carmen Sandeago
I can think of at least one red fedora wearing femme fatale who has already done so.
Touché!
In a not-entirely-unrelated note:
Ones of the useful things about the Discworld in that regards is it is made up of a number of sub-series. Check it out on wikipedia, you might get lucky and they will have a few in the sub-series
Not really.
The TRUE beauty is, you don't NEED to read any book before any other book. They're all self-contained enough to pick up and read and make sense, no matter what.
They're all self-contained enough to pick up and read and make sense, no matter what.
Discworld makes sense? Granny Weatherwax makes sense, and DEATH makes sense, and so does Vetinari ... but the rest of it?
Touché!
In a not-entirely-unrelated note:
>_<
Awesome!
Discworld makes sense? Granny Weatherwax makes sense, and DEATH makes sense, and so does Vetinari ... but the rest of it?
Storywise, for a given value of sense, yes.
Pfft, a true supervillian will steal every landmark in France possible :P
Bah. A TRUE supervillain will steal FRANCE.
Anyway, more funny lines.
PCs:
Pete the Greatsword Fighter: exactly what he sounds like.
Nalya: Drow Rogue
Kristoff: Halfling Warlock
NPC Fighter: *uses Exorcism of Steel to disarm the Pete, then burns his AP to crit on Kristoff with Brute Strike, dropping him to negative HP.*
Me: Pete, he takes your sword in his hands and tosses it away.
Pete: (OOC) I attack.
Nalya: (OOC) With what? Barehanded sucks in this game.
Kristoff: (OOC) What about an improvised weapon?
Pete: (OOC) Good idea!
*Takes Kristoff's bleeding body by the ankles, and swings him at the NPC fighter, pummeling him into unconsciousness, and dropping Kristoff to roughly negative 50 in the process.*
The thing was, the party had no ritual casters, let alone one that could cast Raise Dead, so he stayed dead for two sessions until the party got off the island they were on. Kristoff now has a new battlecry: "Throw me at it!"
I got dubbed "the neutral evil Kamina".
Has he started asking people if they know who he is? :PAnother session of Gestalt STAP.
Jhered - Male Star Elf Duskblade|Bladewind (custom class from here, slightly tweaked... think Joachim from Castlevania) going for Anointed Blade on one side
Gin and Jenny - Male & Female Dvati Monk|Fighter. Jenny doesn't talk much.
Yuri - Female Scorpion Clan Water Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue planning to multi into Psion on the Rogue side and go into Shadowmind
Rin - Male Human Ardent|Psion, party pseudo-healer
Mala - Female Whisper Gnome Lurk|Wilder. Assassiny-type.
Cordor - Male Human Scout|Warblade. Kills Things Dead with a scythe. [Was absent this time.]
Rin's an odd case. His backstory is that he was from a normal world much like our own and kind of fell into Greyhawk. He also happened to be a nerdy kid with a lot of video game knowledge and such. (Sounds familiar... hey wait...) So now that he's past the stage of "OKAYNOTHINGHEREISNORMALFREAKINGOUTNOW" he's moved on to the stage of "This is like a Final Fantasy or something". Which drives the rest of the party near bonkers because half the time they don't know what he's talking about and the other half he's doing something crazy.
Part 2 of STAP Chapter 1 involves a vault guarded by an Iron Cobra, followed by a complicated puzzle lock. The confusion that followed - mostly involved by Rin trying to solve the puzzle on his own while Yuri, Mala, and the twins worked together (Jhered was being Mister Bodyguard for Lavinia and not bothering to tax his brain much :P ) prompted this OOC conversation:
Rin (OOC): "When you get to a part in the game where you're supposed to make a decision then the player takes over."
Yuri (OOC): "Wait, so [Rin] thinks HE'S supposed to be party leader!?" (Note: Yuri's become de-facto leader due to being the most proactive. Be afraid. :P )
DM (OOC): "Congratulations, you all [Gin/Jenny, Yuri, Mala, Jhered] have been demoted to the role of NPC."
Later:
Gin/Jenny (OOC): "This was a cutscene. You're just supposed to stand there and watch."
Rin (OOC): "Oh..." *facepalm*
Regarding personalities and approach to combat. Jenny is not very talkative and prefers to knock folks out and interrogate later, Gin is more diplomatic... or at least tries to be. The player on the other hand can't seem to get his linguistics right.
Gin/Jenny (OOC): "Jenny's a very hands-on person. While Gin is more of a debutant."
Gin and Jenny tried to get into a museum without paying. When the clerk threatened to call the guards they left (didn't know it was against the law), but it still prompted this conversation:
Gin/Jenny (OOC): "We tried to do things your [Yuri's] way. Your way sucks."
Yuri (OOC): "The Lion tried to be a Scorpion and failed."
Gin/Jenny (OOC): "Scorpion sucks!"
I was really tempted to quote The Question's comic where he goes "Rorschach sucks" but I didn't think everyone in the group would get it. ;)
Lines from post-game review session:
To Jhered, regarding a scene where he tested his skills against a Barbarian|Cleric of Kord:
Rin (OOC): "I liked the part where you were fighting the guy with your sword."
Regarding Rin's Psycrystal, which tends to yell at him to do important things and is actually the one doing most of the spellcasting until Rin gets the hang of it:
Jhered (OOC): "His psycrystal is his Inner Retard!!"
Gin/Jenny (OOC): *as psycrystal, with Inner Retard arm motions* "Way to Go, Idiot!"
The DM gets lost in the campaign guide (stupid PDF) and has to go searching for rewards:
DM: "Hold on, I need to check something."
Rin: "Whether or not we die?"
DM: "No, it's better than that."
Important Guy:"So whats your name?"
Sir J.:"Sir Janglesalot."
Important Guy:"Whats your real name?"
Sir J.:"Sir Janglesalot."
Important Guy:"Get the
out!" (The DM was alittle tired of our shenanigans)NPC Gnoll Shaman: Before you proceed, Yeenoghwu offers you this gift. Simply reach your hand in and receive your gift.
Bard: I study him to see if his offer is genuine, or if its a trap. *rolls 24*
DM: You're not sure, he definitely knows that the gift could help, but also knows its possible it could hurt.
Bard: So, revered one what is Yeenoghwu's gift?
Shaman: Only Yeenoghwu knows the answer to that question.
Bard: Insight! *rolls 28*
DM: He seems to be telling the truth.
Cleric of Moradin: Thanks, but I'm not going to accept a gift from Yeenoghwu.
Shaman: That is your choice, but know this, if you proceed, Yeenoghwu will have offered his assistance and you will have turned it down, and he will not be pleased.
Bard: Lovely
DM: The Demon Prince of Gnolls has offered you a gift, what do you do?
Bard: Back out and hit "Save".
Note, a mostly good party has descended into a cavern complex in which a gnoll temple has been constructed. The party's primary goal is to seek out a priest of Tharizdun, but is pretty much intending to kill any gnolls encountered along the way.
NPC Gnoll Shaman: Before you proceed, Yeenoghwu offers you this gift. Simply reach your hand in and receive your gift.
Bard: I study him to see if his offer is genuine, or if its a trap. *rolls 24*
DM: You're not sure, he definitely knows that the gift could help, but also knows its possible it could hurt.
Bard: So, revered one what is Yeenoghwu's gift?
Shaman: Only Yeenoghwu knows the answer to that question.
Bard: Insight! *rolls 28*
DM: He seems to be telling the truth.
Cleric of Moradin: Thanks, but I'm not going to accept a gift from Yeenoghwu.
Shaman: That is your choice, but know this, if you proceed, Yeenoghwu will have offered his assistance and you will have turned it down, and he will not be pleased.
Bard: Lovely
DM: The Demon Prince of Gnolls has offered you a gift, what do you do?
Bard: Back out and hit "Save".
I'm curious: how did the gift actually turn out? Or did nobody take it?
"The level 99 Monk tree. The only time when the words 'monk', 'tree', 'squirrel', and 'low orbit' come together in the same sentence."
Somewhere out there there's an entire forest full of level 99 Monk trees...and the only way to get around anywhere is by using the trees as a pinball machine, bouncing from one area to another.
I'm curious: how did the gift actually turn out? Or did nobody take it?
Turned out to be a magic item of our choice up to our level +2. Was a pretty sweet deal and was basically our DM's way of admitting that he hadn't given us enough treasure to date. Though we still don't know if there will be a hidden cost attached.
Dwarf: "They're greenskins! They deserve to die!"
Druid: "So you would kill the orcs simply because they have green skin?"
Paladin: "We kill orcs not for the color of their skin but for the content of their character."
Which brings me to my paladin, Sir Stefen Coldberg. In our 3.5 game, this is only the second time I've tried out a Lawful character; it's kinda hard to get out of the rogue mindset. Heck, its hard to RP the after-action parts, I usually break out with 'For Pelor's sake, SOMEONE loot the BODIES!'. Anyway, we had previously saved an orphanage, created nemesi (plural?), and delved through most of a dungeon. We get to the final chamber and face a summoned dire/fiendish t-rex. A fight the DM told us was way out of our league.
Me, after a Religion check: Wait, I know it's a summoned creature?
DM: Yes...
Me: :D . I cast protection from evil, bless, have the wizard enlarge me, step out into the monster's field of view and yell out 'Your mother was ugly and failed to evolve!'
DM: Wait, why?
Me: Protection from Evil, summoned creatures cannot touch me and all it has are natural weapons.
DM: :D
Me: Wait, what?
DM, pointing to the very last line of the spell: Subject to spell resistance.
Me, now facing down a monster well out of my weight-division: Well, shoot.
After it charges, crits, and almost 1-shots me: I didn't know this before, but a T-Rex can really haul a**.
A few fights later, we were in a market when some monsters suprise us. I get confused and kill a civilian. My words:
IC: No, Pelor, no!
OOC: Orphans; we don't just save 'em, we make 'em!
Later, the captain of the guard (don't like each other; he's a little to not good for me) comes up to me as a pray over Pepe, the luckless peasant.
Cap: Please, come with me. We'll go have a drink, talk this over.
Me: Not until I'm done praying for this man's soul.
DM ooc: You are compelled to go with the guard.
Me ooc: Wait, don't I get a save?
DM ooc: No.
So now I'm scared.
Cap: Sir Stefen, you know that innocent's death twasn't your fault. Your mind was not your own, you cannot be blamed. I'm sure your god would feel the same way, don't you think?
Me ooc: ...um, I cast detect evil on him again, 'cause I am pretty sure he's setting me up for something.
Dm ooc: As you enter the vacant bar, there is a flash of light, forcing you to advert your eyes. The light slowly subsides, and you recognize Pelor, the Burning Hate of the Just, your patron, standing in front of you.
Me ooc: I lie down on the floor, spread eagle, like I just got pulled over by LA cops.
DM ooc:
Why?Me ooc: Well, first I thought that the captain had some sort of over-powered weapon and was trying to arrest me. Now, instead, after having just killed an innocent man, my god decided that his personal involvement was necessary. Why in the worlds wouldn't I be worried?
I wasn't in trouble, Pelor left, and the barkeep showed up.
Me: ...D***, should of had that drink. Hey barkeep! Here's 50 gold. Keep the booze flowing until that runs out.
A few hours later, I meet up with the party to tell them about Pelor as well as the rumors flying around about the guy we had been looking for. I'm just very, very drunk.
Me: So I was all walking with the Cap'in and we got down to the seats and he was all like 'Flash!' and I was like 'Wha?' and he was like"PELOR!' and I was like '****' but he was like 'No dude' and I was like 'Dude?' and he was like 'Word.' and I was like 'Sweet!' and he went poof so I had a drink, and I swear to dog, the dude we wanna see, Mr. Mannien or Mr. Personen or whatever, he's like gone, dude, like gone, ad has a horse with clouds for feet, like clouds dude, and he ran away, the dude not horse, out of town, man, the man left town with him, the horse dude, the horse, and now I think I will be sick.
George: That's okay Jon. You just go lie down in the corner for a few hours. And stop saying 'dude'.
Ps: We come in!
DM: It's an ordinary hunting lodge, no one is inside, there's a fire in the fireplace, nothing unusual.
Ps: We walk up to the fire to warm ourselves up.
DM: You're hampered by the hanging corpse next to the fireplace.
PC1: Where can an elf find a job around here?
PC2: An elf? At the Santa Claus' workshop!
NPC: Drop your weapons. I'm counting to ten. Ten, nine, eight...
Everyone except PC1 drop their weapons.
NPC: Seven, six, five, four, three, two, one...
PC1: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
A shopkeeper refuses to lower the price.
P1: I'll try to bribe him!
Nothing like bribing a shopkeeper to make him lower the price...
PC1: Anyone has a wish?
PC2: Why?
PC1: (points to the sky) A falling mage on fire...
A monk rolled a critical miss while fighting barehanded:
DM: Your fist falls out from your hand.
DM: You're in a forest, in front of an old, wooden house. What do you do?
P: I leave the forest.
DM: Leaving the forest, you encountered a bear which shoved you back in front of the house.
DM (me): Roll a perception check, please.
Hallya: *rolls a 1*: I don't even percive my boobs.
Kharas: They're right here honey *makes the motorboat sound and gesture*
Hallya:...I'll never be able to wash away the shame this time...
nemesi (plural?)
Since you asked, it's nemeses. You probably don't need to know this, but here's a general guide to making words of Latin origin plural:
- -us --> -i
- -a --> -ae
- -um --> -a
- -is --> -es
/end lecture.
DM: You're in a forest, in front of an old, wooden house. What do you do?
Pray to GOD I have a torch or lantern.
NPC: Drop your weapons. I'm counting to ten. Ten, nine, eight...
Good thing he wasn't counting the other way or he would have reached 'ten' a lot more quickly I guess.
That was quite a funny thing to do, though.
I love this thread.
Since you asked, it's nemeses. You probably don't need to know this, but here's a general guide to making words of Latin origin plural:
- -us --> -i
- -a --> -ae
- -um --> -a
- -is --> -es
/end lecture.
You could have referred him to Mystery Men, you know.
Then this exchange takes place:
Dragonborn: "I listen at the door".
DM: "You hear someone snoring on the other side."
Dragonborn: "I knock on the secret door."
Tiefling: "I move back to to the far end of the corridor."
Druid: "I move back to to the far end of the corridor."
Barbarion: "I move behind the dragonborn."
DM: "Wait... what?"
The party comes to a secret door that leads into a short corridor with another door at the far end. The party crowds into the passage and tries to pick the lock on the far door. They all fail to pick the lock. The barbarion suggests breaking down the door, but the rest of the party gets him to hold off for a moment.
Then this exchange takes place:
Dragonborn: "I listen at the door".
DM: "You hear someone snoring on the other side."
Dragonborn: "I knock on the secret door."
Tiefling: "I move back to to the far end of the corridor."
Druid: "I move back to to the far end of the corridor."
Barbarion: "I move behind the dragonborn."
DM: "Wait... what?"
I don't get it.
This brings to mind something that happened at a live action I play in recently.
The players all got to a door, and began trying to get their way through it. They tried pushing, they checked for locks, tried to break it in, checked for hidden catches to open it, spent ages looking for another entrance to the building, then after half an hour of searching, someone used a divination spell to find out what they needed to do to get past the door.
Ref: "Pull".
We spent several minutes laughing about that, but when someone actually opened the door, their response to what they saw was priceless.
"Oh no!.... It's... Another door!!!!!"
If so... I bring you "The Halberd Episode"!!!
(Also known as "The Importance of Being Aware that You're Talking in Party Chat")
CAST:
Cyrillia Tentazione: Tiefling Cleric (me), AKA "Lia"
Rick: Human Barbarian, Lia's significant other
Respyn Moondown: Avariel Ranger
Desson Tentazione: Tiefling Barbarian/Rogue/Blackguard, Lia's younger brother
Cara Tentazione: Tiefling Rogue/Assassin, Lia and Desson's cousin
Aestivalis Escaflowne: Human Fighter/Weapon Master of Halberds, Cara's significant other and future husband
If you mean to make the images, they were screenshotted from NWN then cropped in either GIMP or MSPaint, I don't remember which.
You could have referred him to Mystery Men, you know.
Really? I don't remember anything about Latin roots in the movie. I love the movie, but I don't remember that.
Really? I don't remember anything about Latin roots in the movie. I love the movie, but I don't remember that.
Captain Amazing: We've always been nemesises... nemesis... nemesi...
Casanova Frankenstein: Nemeses.
Captain Amazing: We've always been nemesises... nemesis... nemesi...
Casanova Frankenstein: Nemeses.
:embarrass You're right, I could have. My bad. But hopefully the lecture I gave will help some people with similar questions in the future.
Jhered - Male Star Elf Duskblade|Bladewind (custom class from here, slightly tweaked... think Joachim from Castlevania) going for Anointed Blade on one side
Gin and Jenny - Male & Female Dvati Monk|Fighter. Jenny doesn't talk much.
Yuri - Female Scorpion Clan Water Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue/Psion planning to go into Shadowmind
Rin - Male Human Ardent|Psion, party pseudo-healer
Mala - Female Whisper Gnome Lurk|Wilder. Assassiny-type.
Cordor - Male Human Scout|Warblade. Kills Things Dead with a scythe.
The party split up to search for information regarding Vanthus Vanderboren's whereabouts. The rest of the group has managed to regroup, but Rin is missing. Jhered was the last one who saw him.
Jhered: He said he was going to the library.
(*group takes a carriage to the Noble District where the library is*)
Yuri: We're looking for this young man (describes Rin).
Librarian Watch NPC: Oh yes, we know him, he's a regular visitor... but he has not been here today.
(*cue collective facepalms from the rest of the group*)
Jhered: If I was a moron, where would I go?
Regarding the information uncovered:
Yuri: I have found a possible location for Mister Vanderboren.
Rin: Really? What would that be?
Yuri: Ah, but that would be telling.
While the group investigates the thief/artist Brissa's gallery:
Gin: Sharp eyes kept on the road.
Yuri/OOC: I keep getting the mental image of their eyes poking out of their heads like sharp little knives...
DM and Jhered/OOC: Like the guy on Roger Rabbit?
Jhered/OOC: YES HIM!
Wizard: (to the DM) What do I see?
DM: You see yourself, only more flamey (the wizard is a pyromanic that likes to use the rogue as a targeting reticle for AoEs)
Paladin: oooh, I go over, what do I see.
DM: You see scales all shiney and wreathed in flames.
Cleric: What about me.
DM: Same again.
Rogue: Ladies, we're in a dungeon, not Primark. Can we focus?
"Can those air elementals fly?"
To clarify, these elementals attacked at sea, during a storm, and were attempting to push the ship into some breakers. Yes. They can fly.
Haru - Razorclaw Shifter, Predator Druid
Cylla - Drow Sorceress, Storm Type
Zaariel - Dwarven Cleric of Geb (to give God Gold)*
Cale - Half-Elf Bard, Valor style.
and. . .
Grout - Dwarven Barbarian. Psychotic style
* Inside joke from the 1e AD&D Deities and Demigods book. Kudos if you get it.
-----
DM: And thus you have defeated the enemy and you have now entered the labyrinth. . .
Grout: . . . the disembodied groin of David Bowie rises up from the shadows!
-----
DM: You find yourself in a fifteen foot (three square) wide corridor lined with runes.
Haru: We proceed down the hall.
DM: As you proceed down the hall, you notice, up ahead, a doomspore mushroom.
Cylla: I zap it. Pew pew pew.
DM: You hit. As it dies, it explodes, letting off a cloud of poisonous spores.
Haru: I use feywild sojurn to teleport past.
Cylla: I run past.
Cale: I walk up and use a torch to start burning away the spores.
Grout: I walk through.
Zaariel: We can do that?
Grout: We're dwarves. Poison doesn't really do that much to us.
DM: As you guys move past the poison cloud, you hear a rumbling behind you. . . and then this appears (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r85sWHNbd_Y)
Cale: . . . holy CRAP we ARE in Labyrinth!
DM: *grin*
-----
DM: The Cleaner starts approaching through the corridor towards you, what do you do?
Haru: How fast is it moving?
DM: 16 squares per round, double-moving.
Everyone Else: MOTHER F--KER!
Haru: Cya
Everyone Else: ?????
Haru: Run speed of 12.
Zaariel: . . . I hate you so much.
Cale: All right, if we all start running NOW, we might barely be able to make it to the other end of the corridor before it reaches us. We have enough of a head start to. . .
Grout: I charge it.
Everyone: WHAT?
Grout: "GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!"
Cylla: . . . I watch the dwarf run past and stare at him wide-eyed as he runs up towards the spinning cone of death and starts whaling on it with an axe.
DM: . . . take +1 on your next roll for good roleplaying.
'Grin'- "Have any of you ever eaten... an apple?" *long pause* "Well, imagine something ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND TIMES BETTER!!!!!!!!!!!"
I didn't know if I should laugh or cry at the fact a speech this bad worked so well. *sigh*
:embarrass You're right, I could have. My bad. But hopefully the lecture I gave will help some people with similar questions in the future.
Actually, nemesis isn't Latin. It's the name of a Greek goddess, namely, the goddess of vengeance. That's also why there is no plural form in either Greek (where it would probably be "nemeseis") nor in Latin (where it could be any one of "nemeses", "nemesies", or "nemesides").
In English, the plural is "nemeses" according to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary.
[/REAL LECTURE]
Actually, nemesis isn't Latin. It's the name of a Greek goddess, namely, the goddess of vengeance. That's also why there is no plural form in either Greek (where it would probably be "nemeseis") nor in Latin (where it could be any one of "nemeses", "nemesies", or "nemesides").
In English, the plural is "nemeses" according to Merriam-Webster's Dictionary.
[/REAL LECTURE]
D'oh! I actually knew about Nemesis, and I completely forgot. The Greek goddess of vengeance and justice, or something like that. I'm not sure the best way to word it, but I'd say she's the closest we'll find to a real-world patron deity of avengers. It seems gods for paladins are easier to find, but Nemesis is definitely suited to avengers.
We picked a lot of neurotic for me right?
Later
Player 1: Undead are particularly resistant to neurotic damage.
Player 2: Ewww gross!
Player 1: Neurotic not erotic.
Note to self, new forums do not support SBLOCK code.
Another session of Gestalt STAP:
Jhered - Male Star Elf Duskblade|Bladewind (custom class from here, slightly tweaked... think Joachim from Castlevania) going for Anointed Blade on one side
Gin and Jenny - Male & Female Dvati Monk|Fighter. Jenny doesn't talk much.
Yuri - Female Scorpion Clan Water Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue/Psion planning to go into Shadowmind
Rin - Male Human Ardent|Psion, party pseudo-healer
Mala - Female Whisper Gnome Lurk|Wilder. Assassiny-type.
Cordor - Male Human Scout|Warblade. Kills Things Dead with a scythe.
That's one explanation:
Yuri: "We have played this out before."
Malphas: "I have been called by thousands, how shall I remember them all? Such is my curse."
Yuri-OOC: "A bad memory is your curse? Oooooooookay...."
I hear the food's good:
(Cordor is missing again)
Yuri: "This is becoming a bad habit."
Mala: "Well, you know farm boys...."
Yuri: "... No, I don't. Why should I know farm boys...?"
Saves time, but not money on Car Insurance:
DM-OOC: "Do you want to roll Sense Motive?"
Gin/Jenny-OOC: "No, not really... the monks just sort of assume she's [Yuri] not telling us the whole truth."
Cannon fodder, perhaps?:
Gin: "Why are we following someone who led us into a closet?" (of Mala)
I just had a game where my half-dragon character got separated from the rest of the party in a blinding flash of light.
He finds himself in the pits of a dungeon, at the end of a hallway, and walks forward until he sees a door that's slightly cracked open. peeking inside, I see a sorceress about to complete a sacrifice in a banquest hall filled by statues, and I say this
Me: To save or not to save.
Well, there's a scary looking woman in there with something akin to a bladed weapon. It'd be smart to leave now and raise the tiger to do my bidding. (long story, don't ask)
But I have a Neutral Good alignment
I could simply walk out of here and never look back, never have to deal with any of the monster, the potential sorceress that's standing in front of me, or any other kind of trap and baddie that may be lying in wait for a foolish adventurer such as myself to stumble into it and end his life in one of the most miserable ways possible
But I have a Neutral Good alignment
If I tried to go in there and yell "Halt!" or some such then I'd obviously be struck by lightning, frozen in place, sent to the abyss, or some equally unlikable fate caused by magic that I simply would not want. Who knows, those statues may come to life and pummel me to death with fists so furious they make Monks look like wimps
But I have a Neutral Good alignment
crap.
It's Hero Time.
I Burst open the doorway and scream "Stop!"
DM: *rolls a few Dice* you take 68 ice damage from her epic level spell
Me: Saw that coming. can I have a do-over?
DM: you appear before pelor in all his might and glory, and he waves a hand over you, saying "It is not your time yet young one" and you appear in front of the door again.
Me: Well, That has to have been the most surreal Near Death experience I've ever had
The bard was choosing who to heal.
Cleric: I am in the same shape she is.
Bard: You are a woman?
Cleric cups his hands at the level of his chest.
The wizard player uses a small cup to roll his dice.
He hit on an attack, and put his damage dice in his drink.
He shook it and splashed his drink everywhere.
Shut down the game.
Later
Wizard: These dice are cold.
Still Later
Fighter: Can I borrow your cup.
Again later
Fighter: Was there any splash damage.
Wizard player takes a drink
Paladin: Mmmmm tastes like victory.
Bard: I listen at the door.
DM: You hear agonizing moans.
Rogue: Look out it's the bathroom.
During an awsome 3.5 adventure partially influenced by Army of Darkness (same campaign as on page 2), we were exploring an abandoned house. Tensions were high as we explored, until we hit the climax...
DM: The shadows come off the wall and form into beings of darkness that start moving toward you...
PC: I cast Magic Missle against the darkness!
In another campaign a few months ago (just before 4e came out), the rogue always had funny moments
PC: You will buy me a sandwich. (Rolls natual 20 diplomacy)
NPC (Rolls 3) I will buy you a sandwich...
PC: I buy the sword, then steal back the money (Rolls 5)
DM: (Rolls 25) The shopkeeper catches you by the wrist and yanks you over the counter and into the interior of the shop...
Playing in a game based very loosely on Atelier Marie, with a few things liberally pinched from the first two Atelier Iris games (a.k.a. the ones that were actually fun - the third Atelier Iris game must burn in the pits of hell!).
One fun thing was the addition of a Stress stat, which was determined as 20+(Con Bonus)+(Wis Bonus). I didn't know about the Stress thing when making my character, and in making her intelligent, likable and agile, I ignored Con and turned Wis into a dump stat. While everyone else had Stress in the mid-high twenties, mine wound up being about 14.
The OTHER thing about the Stress Stat was that it built up whenever we worked on our Alchemy, or had stressful things happen to us, and while we could drink alcohol or eat certain types of food to drop our rating, once we reached our Stress Limit, we snapped and did something a bit bizarre. Two problems - my character's backstory had a lot of good reasons for her to be a strict tee-totaller, and the character she was meant to be mentoring was too young to drink. There's only so much Chocolate can do for a girl.
Finally, the fateful day came when I quietly snapped. Thanks to a grand total of three minor explosions, NONE of which were mine, and a visit from our teacher, poor little Jean finally lost it.
Note From DM: Yeah, you just went rocketing past your stress limit. Well?
Me: *smirks and gives DM a note, and the DM snickers for a few moments and agrees to my plan*
DM: A young man comes into your shop. The two of you from the Advanced Class know him - his name is Kreis, and he's an arrogant ****.
Jean: *gives Kreis a long look and starts circling round him, tilting her head and making 'hmmm' noises*
Fenrir (the kid): Um, big sister Jean, what are you doing?
Sen: Oh gods. Go away, Kreis, we're busy.
Kreis: Now, is that any way to talk to your superior? Don't you think our dear teacher would be upset to find out you've been picking fights again?
Sen: Grrrr...
Adric: *drags Sen away from Kreis a bit* Down girl, down.
Jean: *ignoring the muffled swearing from Sen, Adric's struggles, and Fenrir's worried questions* You. Are you smart?
Kreis: One doesn't like to boast, but I am the top-ranking Alchemist at the Academy.
Jean: Excellent! Now, hold still a second... *walks behind Kreis and whistles appreciatively* Well, that's certainly a nice view!
Kreis: *blush*
Sen: What the 
are you doing?
Jean: Can you make a good cup of coffee?
Kreis: ...I have no idea.
Jean: You'll do! *grabs Kreis and drags him upstairs towards her room*
Fenrir: What's she doing?
Adric: They're going to play Scrabble.
It's even funnier when you realise that 'playing Scrabble' is a definite euphemism for our group. *waggles eyebrows*
Monty Haul campaign where a high level bard was in a fight with the Magna Alumni (level 20+ bards) and Silvanus. The game was 2E, and the bard was really milking his annoying showboating personality:
PC Cmon Silvanus, lets see what you got... I'll bet that hammer of yours breaks apart before my stoneskins do. You'll be a bloody stump before that happens! Im way too...
DM A Magna Alumni casts a targetted dispel, removing your stoneskin.
PC C'mon, hit me right here, right in the face. I can take it, bring it on!
DM *rolls dice* Silvanus hits you in the face with his maul for 23 damage.
PC OOC: You mean I lose a stone skin. I have 9 more?
DM Uh, no. I just dispelled that.
PC Owwww! Wha...?!? *Runs away*
Tales from Thok Rhah, half-orc barbarian.
'Thok no kick down door. Thok kick down door once. Door kick back. Broke Thok nose. That why Thok face is flat. Now Thok knock. HELLO! Anyone not dead?!'
Thok: 'Thok daddy is human. Thok mommy is orc. Thok mommy be very perversive to get Thok daddy.'
Druid: 'You mean presuasive.'
Thok: 'That too.'
'Thok got name when mommy throw baby-Thok down stairs. Thok head go thok, thok, thok. You meet Thok little brother Thwap.
Thok: 'Thok have angry problems.'
Druid: 'You know, if you need to talk, I can help you with your issues.'
Thok: pause : 'When Thok was baby Thok, mommy not hug Thok enough...'
Upon saving a skittish and rude halfling - 'Angry baby make Thok angry. Thok give spanking to baby-man or baby-man give Thok shinies. Baby-man choice.'
Fighting an ogre about to knock over an inn - 'Ugly men make Thok spill beer. Stupid uglies, no waste beer. Beer make Thok sleepy and happy. Now Thok just angry.'
Saving said halfling's inn from said ogre - 'Now Thok want double-free beer. One beer for each hand.'
Wizard: 'Thok, you're incorrigible.'
Thok: 'No, Thok have cleric fix that. Though it still burn when Thok make water. (in whisper) Thok put Little Thok where Thok shouldn't.'
Barkeep: 'Now if you could just leave your weapons at the door-'
Thok: 'No! Thok no leave Elsie!'
Wizard:' Your sword's name is Elsie?'
Thok: 'Elsie is Thok mommy name. You have problem with Thok mommy?!'
Wizard: 'I clear an Elsie-size swing area around Thok's sleeping form.'
'Thok make song once: Swing, swing. Slash, slash. Oops, Thok has your arm! Ha ha, Thok make joke!'
Why I shouldn't play D&D after hanging out on LJ (It turns me into a smart-alec):
Druid: *uses Speak with Animals on a swarm of ants*
DM: Well, this ant is trying to get promoted, this ant is in love with his neighbour, this ant is planning to murder allllll the other ants...
Druid: Wow, it's a tiny little soap opera.
Me: *OOC* Days of our Hives!
Luckily everyone was too busy ROFL-ing to hurt me.
I was playing a Chaotic Sarcastic Warmage not long ago. She was a complete pyro, with spiky red hair and a whole bunch of red tattoos. (I put waaayyyy too much effort into that one mini.) Someone compared me to Axel from KH, and it all went down the drain... Although considering the amount of quotes I managed to use, she was more of a Lezard Valeth...
The DM set me up in a fight against a Warmage from my old school, who liked the ice spells almost as much as I liked fire.
Druid's Player: Hang on, I have the perfect music for this. *hands the DM a CD and points out a specific track*
DM: *laughs and puts it in - the Organisation 13 Boss Music starts blaring out*
Me: *OOC* If this guy pulls a watery guitar out of thin air, you both die.
There're probably some rules broken here, but it was fun. We're were trying to retreive a staff for our contact, and we had reached the end, after running through with a homebrewed tank the kobold cleric made from a minecart(steampunk setting, means we get engines!) The DM is making every challenge higher than we should be taking, cause we always find a way to beat every boss in one hit... the cast >....Epzex = Kobold cleric with an obsession with his deity, who is strangely enough Pelor. DM = pelor, and the dm of course
Epzex (OOC): I take the staff thingy, and sovereign glue it to the inside of my tank, so the ruttin rogue doesn't steal it. Then I use a commune spell...
DM: Sighs....."What are you asking?"
Epzex: Pelor, is there a boss fight in this quest?
Pelor: Yes......
Ep: Is it in this room?
Pel: No....
Ep: This one?
Pel: Yer gonna keep asking till you get it aren't you. *winces* It's that one!
Ep: Sweet! Thanks Pelor! Is this door trapped?
Pel: No!
Ep: Would I likely kill him if I drove my minecart tank into the room?
Pel: Nooo....
Ep: Okay, I wanna see if this works then.....*whispers*
Pel: Yes... (ooc the DM is obviously frustrated by this, but is laughing at his defeat.)
Epzex: Okey dokey, everyone stay back!
*opens door and tosses in a small cube, then says a command word. A Daern's Instant Fortress springs up, which is bigger than the entire room the boss is in...*
Epzex: Is he dead Pelor?
Pelor/DM: Yes....sigh...
Apparently the summoning of this fortress created a huge hole in the mountain side the base we infiltrated sat. The appearance from the outside was that the gods sent a square bolt of godliness or something to smite the Imperium... Epzex decided to go with this and used air walk to reach the mountain top, the used his stone-shape spells to form a message, "Love, Pelor!"
Pelor eventually got revenge on the commune spamming cleric, by forwarding all his useless questions from other clerics around to world to him...now Epzex is randomly haunted by questions such as, "Pelor, should I eat the beef or tuna today?" and, "Pelor, how's it goin today?"
Rogue: Um... I throw some onion in the beholder's eyes!
DM: Okay, make a ranged touch attack.
Okay, this happened a a year ago when my friends and I played AD&D.
We had just had a terrible fight with some monster that at first looked like a pile of rubissh, but turned into something deadly (and killed an NPC fighter)
We entered the next room and there was another pile of rubbish. Our charactors drew straws on who had to go check it out. Mine drew the shortest.
My group had a rule that says "Unless you say OOC, your charactor is still speaking" because we had been having some confusion with that earlier.
So my timid 2nd level Cleric walked up to the pile of trash and I said (in a high pitched voice for some reason) "Cai's gonna die!"
Unfortunately, I didn't say "OOC" and the DM said something like "Okay, so Cai walks up to the trash heap and goes crazy. He refers to himself in the third person and starts talking about his impending death."
Since then, everytime Cai got in a tough situation, all the other PCs immate my high pitched voice saying "Cai's gonna die!"
(oh, and it turned out the trash heap was just a trash heap.)
Another fun one I can recall with my 3.5 party. We're trying to kill an extremely powerful sorcerer, who is bent on killing all things non-human, then, he'll kill all non-sorcerers. Given they are in many ways like rats, he especially hates kobolds.
DM: You enter a room, and in the center is a large glowing beam, which appears to be creating the powerful forcewall surrounding the room and protecting the door to the sorcerer's room.
The party spends a while throwing things into the beam(it disentegrates everything), and trying to find switches to turn it off.
Epzex(kobold cleric): OOOOH! I have an idea. *party is interested* HEY! Sorcerer! I'm a kobold!
Party: *laughing, and agreeing this is actually a decent plan*
Epzex: If you don't open up this forcewall and come down here and kill me, I'm going to go make kobold babies, and then live happily. After this, I will start hitting on human women, and try making half-kobold babies!
Sorcerer: **********************!!!
Needless to say, the sorcerer pretty much dedicated all of combat to trying to kill the kobold.
Another session of Gestalt STAP:
Jhered - Male Star Elf Duskblade|Bladewind (custom class from here, slightly tweaked... think Joachim from Castlevania) going for Anointed Blade on one side
Gin and Jenny - Male & Female Dvati Monk|Fighter. Jenny doesn't talk much.
Yuri - Female Scorpion Clan Water Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue/Psion planning to go into Shadowmind
Rin - Male Human Ardent|Psion, party pseudo-healer
Mala - Female Whisper Gnome Lurk|Wilder. Assassiny-type.
Our resident Scout|Warblade Cordor has been relegated to the position of guest character due to repeated absences and predictions of further poor attendance. He'll pop in and out as he's available.
Irony...:
Yuri: "I let the big strong people break down the door"
DM-OOC: "Skinny monks and wiry elf, you're up."
You know you were thinking it:
DM-OOC: "This party doesn't have a muscle person. We have the two skinny monks who are really good at hitting things really fast, and the elf who just happens to wear heavy armor and use a big sword."
Jhered-OOC: "And before you ask, I'm NOT compensating for anything!"
DM-OOC: "Not yet, you only have one sword."
Epzex: If you don't open up this forcewall and come down here and kill me, I'm going to go make kobold babies, and then live happily. After this, I will start hitting on human women, and try making half-kobold babies!
Sorcerer: **********************!!!
OH GOD IT HURTS
Making kobold babies FTW.
In my campaign, it started with a simple enough event: I had decided that my rogue had a habit of kicking at random stones in the road whenever he got bored. The DM decided to run with it, and next thing we knew, my kicking a rock led to our discovery of a new dungeon (the rock rolled and bumped an ancient lever, which broke and opened a trapdoor). The next time I kicked a rock, it alerted a group of bandits and we were thrust into an encounter.
Now, whenever the DM needs a Deus ex Machina moment, he just inserts that I randomly kick a nearby rock, and everybody groans. I even ham this up sometimes.
"Must...kick...rock!"
"NO!!!" *Everybody tackles him*
Yesterday I had a first random session with a bunch of new players. I asked everyone to describe their character; but since they're not known with RP they were a bit reluctant.
When the fourth player, who made a Dragonborn came up, he didn't know what to say and since he had the idea that we were sounding like an AA meeting, he just said "Hi, I'm Talon, and I'm an alcoholic."
Of course I had to go with it, so I asked him why he was an alcoholic.
He though for a minute, and then said, "Everyone always picks on me, because of my neon-pink scales."
Yeah. He might live to regret that later 
Our party was playing a dragon-heavy campaign in which one of our party was a half-dragon. Because he was the only half-dragon in his brood, he was the smallest and the weakest, and all the other dragons would pick on him and steal his lunch money.
Well, at the beginning of the campaign an oracle bronze dragon (who led the brood), sent this half-dragon on his quest, so after I went into this long and inspiring speech (as the Oracle) about the importance of his quest and how strong he must be, this was his response...
*looks around cave, where all the dragons are gathered listening*, "Ha... ha... HA HA HA, A-HA, you all suck, I'm awesome, I'm special. F*ck you. F*ck you. And you... f*ck you sir. You're alright. You, I f*cked your mother, that's how you were born. Yeah, betcha didn't know that, f*ck you too." (it went on in this fashion for about 10 straight minutes)
Than on his way out, the Player said he had a pad of "Ye Olde Post-It Notes" with "Ur Gay" written on them, and he walked out, slapping them on the backs of his brood.
It was all spontaneous and improvised on the spot, but it really sounded like this player had spent a lot of time thinking about what he would do if he was hand-chosen to go on a spirit quest.
We haven't been playing long, but the best line in our game so far was from our Artificer:
"Aura goggles, give me sight beyond sight!"
XD
Well, it cracked me up. Then, later we re-wrote the defenders of the earth theme so it was about our characters. Defenders of the realm! (Defenders!)
Which was fun...
3.5e : One player campaign.
Posted this before in Best Lines Ever I. But it was deleted.
August (27 Fig/ Dv Chm 5/ other class) and Lisa (Wiz 27/ Acm 5) helping Avatar of Platinum Dragon evict the Avatars of various Orc Gods including Gruumush.
Their job is too occupy Gruumush while Plat casts a complicated dismissal spell.
During fight:
*Grummush teleports and proceeds to try and dismember August with his fancy fighting skill. Lisa's custom shield spell saves August from being dismembered.
August responds "I'm going to take your BALLS!!!!".
And he proceeds to crit him. Because he stated the phrase before the roll, I let it happen. One ball drops to the ground.
All other orc gods are in stunned silence for a few seconds. They are evicted shortly after.
The Ball hangs in August's museum.
Me talking about a one-shot I'm going to run this weekend. Think Harry Potter meets Eberron, set at Morgrave University and starring a group of arcane casters...
Me: This is going to be a special kind of wrong.
Ricky: Huh, why?
Me: Josh is playing his Warforged Warlock...
Ricky: Eeeep.
Me: Oh, I'm not done yet. Josh is playing the Warlock from hell, you're playing a Warforged Wizard, and Ben's playing a Warforged Bard. Do you know what that means?
Ricky: What?
Me: My Elf Duskblade is the token squishy.
Ricky: Ooh! Can I call her that?
Me: NO! Sheesh...
Ricky: *pokepoke* Squishy...
"Why would you ever want to play a balanced character?"
~Party optimizer
So our party has just refused to work with what is presumably the campaign's main villain. He walks away and is heard to tell someone to make an example of one of us before singling out our deva wizard as the recipient of an early demise. Not wanting to stick around to see what was going to try to kill our wonderful wizard who frequently saves our lives by making all our enemies take a nap, we beat feet out of there only to find ourselves faced with a vampiric dragon. After the first few missed attacks on natural 16's and 17's, we decide discresion is the better part of valor and heroically run away to try and lose the dragon on our way out of the underdark. Thus begins a skill challenge in which we are told that any skill is free to use with proper explanation. Then comes the wizard's turn.
DM: So what are you doing.
Wizard: Praying <rolls religion>
More tales from Thok Rhah, half-orc barbarian:
After a fight with goblins and a bugbear - 'Thok once deaded ten bugbears with one swing. Thok kill many beast that day.' Thok starts pointing at party members. 'You were there, and you were there, and you were there! That day was today. You remember!'
'Thok cut out heart of foe, so Thok may get foe's strength. Huh, heart taste like... coward.'
Whistling 'Steamboat Willie', www.youtube.com/watch?v=AEEaT_UQnVM:
Sorcerer: 'Guys, do you realise he's whistling with a smile on his face as he desecrates some bodies?'
Thok: 'Thok not desiccate, Thok harvest!'
'Thok see sleeping bugbear. Thok wake up. WAKE UP! Thok like beast who fight back. Meat more tender.'
Using my 'daily power' to talk coherently and intelligently - 'Thok doesn't like mages. They create an imbalance of power, where shopkeepers need mages to protect them from the mages themselves. Racketeering, evil and dirty business, which victimizes the owners of small business, requiring business to raise costs, harming the consumer and... and.. Ow, Thok head hurt.'
This one stuck with me as funny because it was meant to be a battle encounter. My small party and I had gotten information that a complex was being built was under this clock tower in town so we went to check it out. I played a barbarian dwarf named Angus who is basically as typical a dwarf as you can get, smelly, crass, and always drunk off his ass. Infact so much so that he always carries a few kegs of ale (yay no encumberance on dwarfs). Also in the party is a Lazy ass Swordmage who acts as our tank and a Pacifist Cleric.
--
DM: You enter the tower and an ogre who was sitting in the corner stands dropping a barrel and begins to stumble toward you. "Whosh you!?" He says brandishing a large club.
Me OOC: Is he drunk?
DM: Yes very.
Angus: I'm the guy with more beer!
Ogre: Beer?
Angus: Damn right!
Me: I take the keg off my pack and open it up.
DM: He takes the keg and downs it. (rolls an endurance check)
Ogre: More beer?
Angus: (sighs) I'ite... this is me special brew here... I'll SPLIT it with you.
Me: I take out my tankard and pour half the barrel for me, and then hand him the other half.
DM: He downs it... (rolls endurance) and falls unconcious.
Me: Were we supposed to fight him?
DM: LOL Yeah.
Me: Sweet, I loot him.
--
Later on in the same adventure while in the complex below the tower, this was just funny.
--
DM: This stone hallway is newly constructed, building materials still lye on the ground, there are two doors, one to the east and one to the west.
Swordmage OOC: Lets try the east one.
DM: You open the perfectly balanced stone door and are confronted with a horrible smell, which seems to be coming from a pit to the left of the door, across the room you see a large minotaur. He notices you, roll initiative.
(Initiative is rolled and the order is Swordmage, Angus, Minotaur and Cleric)
DM: Ok Swordmage, you go first.
Swordmage OOC: I pick up a plank, hammer and some nails and start to nail the door shut.
Swordmage: This room is dead to us.
DM: And that's your action?
Swordmage OOC: Yep.
(everyone thought that was funny, afterward)
DM: Okay, Angus what do you do.
Me: I ready my attack for when the minotaur comes bashing through the door.
Sorta funny. Taking the relevent quotes from multiple gaming sessions. It just keeps getting brought back up! Sending me laughing when it does.
DM is talking about some crazy goddess, relating us a myth through an NPC, who remains unphazed at our response.
DMM1: "During her mad solitude...she....she went too far. In her quest to create company for herself she...well...."
DMM1: "The myth implies she removed her own uterus and flung it away."
DMM1: "It gained life and became the first Mother of Oblivion."
Aranel: "That's... eww, it came alive!?"
Vasura: "So ... what? .... We gotta fight a giant uterus?"
Other NPCs weren't sure what to make of our story. Especially after we actually saw the thing.
DMM1: He laughs and says a brief expletive.
Vasura: "Yup ... one big giant pissed off uterus ..... you dont believe it do you?"
DMM1: "So you're serious?"
Aranel: "Completely."
Vasura: "Quite .... unfortunately."
And then we found a partially destroyed dam, most likely due it the same beast.
As Vasura walks up and notices the damage he states "Wow, looks like that giant infernal goddess uterus really did escape"
Dazokh: "Mighty big thing did that to the dam."
Dazokh: "Mighty big."
Aranel: "Must've been Black Magga, or whatever they call that thing."
Vasura: "Ya ... big uterus"
Another session of Gestalt STAP:
Jhered - Male Star Elf Duskblade|Bladewind (custom class from here, slightly tweaked... think Joachim from Castlevania) going for Anointed Blade on one side
Gin and Jenny - Male & Female Dvati Monk|Fighter. Jenny doesn't talk much.
Yuri - Female Scorpion Clan Water Spiritfolk Binder|Rogue/Psion planning to go into Shadowmind
Rin - Male Human Ardent|Psion, party pseudo-healer
Mala - Female Whisper Gnome Lurk|Wilder. Assassiny-type.
Session start delayed by a case of the giggles:
Jhered-OOC: "[Yuri] will be a bit, she's laughing too hard."
DM-OOC: "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot, over."
Jhered-OOC: "Not yet, over."
Yuri-OOC: *laughing harder*
DM-OOC: "What'd you do now!?"
Yuri-OOC: "No, it was the DM!"
Jhered-OOC: "AH-HAH!! See who's pointing fingers now! You and your stupid Whiskey!"
It always comes down to this:
Gin/Jenny-OOC: "It was Mr. Green in the library with the wrench. Gin looks around for Tim Curry in a butler's outfit."
Bureaucracy at its finest:
Yuri: "Your suggestion has been duly noted and discarded."
The truth comes out:
Rin-OOC: "Well, my character's only along to heal, not think."
Out of context for your convenience:
DM-OOC: "[Mala]'s going to kill me with a frying pan!!"
Too Much Information:
Yuri-OOC: "Sorry, [Jhered] distracted me."
DM-OOC: "[Jhered], put your pants back on."
More out of context amusement:
Mala-OOC: "Don't make me come out there with the frying pan." (to Gin/Jenny)
Yuri-OOC: "Please don't kill my husband." (referring to Jhered, but...)
This happens a lot more frequently than we might admit:
Yuri-OOC: "[DM], give me a second. My tongue is getting ahead of my mouth."
Oh...have a lot of nice lines, but since I am german I hope translating them will not kill the jokes ;)
Forgotten Realms group:
Loimir - Dwarven Barbarian, played by Daniel
Freya - Human Cleric, played by Anni
Tobin - Halfling Rogue, played by me (Stefan)
Urisk - some psionic race/class, played by Kai, the DM
Situation:
The group just arrived at Deepwater. Since we are looking for jobs, we visited the HQ of the city guard. After a long, annoying discussion with the officer there (very bad tempered, because he has to work), Loimir didn't miss the opportunity for a little...revenge
Guard: "And now get out of here, I have work to do"
Loimir: "Aahhh...shall we go to the inn now? Get something to eat, a cold beer, being lazy the rest of the day?"
DM: "Armor Class??"
Daniel: "14"
DM: "A vial of ink crits your head"
(Loimir's nickname since then: Bluebeard)
----------------------------
Daniel: "Imagine...the next morning you wake up and you are dead!"
----------------------------
Situation:
A new player joins the Group, Mathias, playing a human Hexblade
Innkeeper: "Greetings Sir"
Mathias (never played DnD before): "Ahem, is there a specific salutation here?"
Anni: "Hello?"
----------------------------
Situation:
Freya has been separated from the group by a magic wall, created by a little demon. After she managed to kill it, she was a little...planless...
Players and DM: *waiting*
Anni: *waiting*
DM: "Are you going to do anything?"
Anni: "Hmm...stabbing the corpse a bit"
DM: *sigh*..."Ok, make a wisdom check"
Anni: "19"
DM: "Freya suddenly remembers, that the others usually search the bodies, of the foes they have killed"
Anni: "Ooops..I search the body"
----------------------------
Situation: Just entered an inn in Deepwater, where our dwarf met another dwarf...
Loimir: "Oh, greetings, a travelling dwarf, where leads your journey?"
Dwarf: "North"
Loimir: "Ah, that's where I came from, I am going south"
Dwarf: "That's where I came from"
Loimir: "Ooohh...we have so much in common..."
----------------------------
Situation: After killing a dire wolf, Tobin and Loimir went off collecting some mushrooms...both have absolutely no idea about mushrooms
Tobin: *throwing some mushrooms away*
Loimir (Survival check...1): "Hey...why do you throw away the best ones? They are looking delicious...the yellow one here...and..."
Tobin: "I heard that ones are poisonous"
Loimir: *holding the mushroom at his ear* "i can't hear anything"
----------------------------
DM (interrupting a conversion between the players): And so we talk...while the sun rises over the corpses..."
----------------------------
Loimir: "I will prepare the dire wolves...I know a wonderful dish..'Dire wolf filet in beer dressing à la Dwarf'"
----------------------------
Situation: Mathias creates his character, other players get a little bored. The he has to choose a weapon...
Mathias: "I could throw stones!"
Loimir: "Hey, I could sell you stones."
Mathias: "Ahem...no, thanks"
Freya: "Why? He would sell you a nice one."
Tobin: "He can speak with stones" (Loimir chose "Terran" as a language)
Loimir: *proudly* "Yehes"
Tobin: "....But he didn't find one that answered yet"
Loimir: *offended* "That was mean...I go off looking for a stone that answers me..." *picks up a stone* "Hey...you....answer me....open your mouth...."
----------------------------
Situation: Travelling by a cart, pulled by a horse. Slowly it's getting dark
DM: "It's getting dark, do you want to go on?"
Freya: "YES!!"
Daniel and Stefan, looking at each other: "We want to go on?"
Stefan: "No....not really..."
Daniel: "Isn't Urisk here to avoid exactly SUCH THINGS??"
DM: "No, he just sits back and wathes the situation"
Freya: "Hey Loimir...come here...I can't see a thing"
----------------------------
Situation: At the inn, where we met Emarax..or will meet Emarax..the new PC... The group just got a job from the innkeeper, to investogate an undead plague at the local cemetery. So the Tobin accounts Emarax (Hexblade) to be an evil Necromancer, significantly complicating Emarax' integration into the group
Tobin: "Pssst...the necromancer is watching us."
Freya: "Tobin, I already told you that he is not an evil necromancer"
Tobin: "Anyways...he is watching us"
Freya: "Well, talk to him, maybe he is just wondering about your size"
Urisk: "Indeed she could be right with that"
Tobin (yelling through the whole inn): "Hey, evil necromancer...never seen a halfling before???"
----------------------------
Emarax: "You are travelling by horse-cart??"
Tobin: "Yes, they were given to us"
Freya: "Yepp"
Urisk: "At least the former owners didn't have something against it anymore..."
----------------------------
Emarax: "Well, when you are travelling that direction, I could join you and travel with you"
Loimir: "Of course"
Freya (the cleric): "When you are still alive then.."
----------------------------
Situation: Pub brawl. Urisk didn't want to join and keeps out of the fight. Loimir didn't agree with that.
Loimir: "URISK!! YOU WERE RIGHT!!! THEY FIGHT LIKE LITTLE GIRLS!!!"
----------------------------
Situation: Meeting with an NPC the group met the night before. Just wanted to talk about the details of the plan storming the estate..
Loimir: "Senthick....over here...you want something to eat? Well, then buy something"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dragonlance-Group:
Situation:
Marco, playing a white robe wizard. The group is planning to infiltrate a prison by letting the wizard transform into a small animal. Marco was reading the PHB, missing half the conversation, but suddenly...
Marco: "Is there a possibility to get a scroll case here?"
Holger: "What? Shall we mail you into that prison?"
----------------------------
Situation: Andreas coming too late to the game...
Sabine: "Hi, nice to see you"
Andreas: "Thanks"
Marco: "Don't lie to him"
Sabine: "WHY NOT???"
----------------------------
DM: "You hear a whisper, that is unhearable"
----------------------------
Situation: Conversation why a player's action was not successful
Sabine: "I wanted it to work, too, but the DM wants it that way"
DM: "The rules want it that way....I am just a slave of the rules..."
My new group was making characters, and someone posed the question "Can Devas get drunk?" The following ensued.
P1: Can Devas get drunk?
P2: Pretty much anything can.
P2: Except with Dwarfs, the question is not 'Can they get drunk?'
P2: It's more of 'Can they get sober?' and the answer is always 'No.'
Later, someone asked what the difference was between Ioun and Vecna (4e):
"Both Ioun and Vecna are knowledge, actually. Vecna is all about keeping secrets, and Ioun is about learning. Generally, they fight like sorority sisters over the last bit of makeup."
Now if that isn't a good analogy, I don't know what is...
- The gnome roles really high stealth
- DM: He is hiding between you and your shield, and you don't know he is there.
- Wizard: I could run out there and put 4 of them to sleep.
- Fighter: What are you going to do a stand up routine?
- Warlock: I curse the air elemental.
- Ranger: You blow!!
- DM: What the heck is "should raining"? Oh SOULdraining.
Joined an online game tonight and already had a couple funny exchanges. 3.5 Forgotten Realm Gestalted campaign.
Characters:
DM (College buddy) - Male
Bolson(Me)- Human Fighter/Monk and worshipper of Deneir. Male
Algaron(College buddy) - Human Fighter/Ranger. Male
Eisheth - Tiefling (well, now Aasimar apparently... Mystra did a soul-swap for her or something) Wizard/Noble. Female
Brand - Halfling Sorceror/Monk. Male
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Bolson: "It is merely a matter of tracing the facts, connecting the dots, and following the clues. Relatively simple abductive reasoning"
Algaron: "You kidnap people to draw conclusions?"
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Bolson nods. "Yes. How can I help you in your endeavours?
Algaron: "Uhhhh... well, you know a bunch, right?"
Bolson: "I know more than the average man, yes."
Brand: "Have you heard of an artifact, possibly two, which seems to be revered by either the church of Cyric or the Army of Man? It would likely be among there most prized possessions..."
Algaron: "Know anything about any recently-created mighty evil artifacts, whose powers focus around Cyric's portfolios?"
***Brand will nod, enfolding his and Algaron's questions together.
Eisheth: ooc: ...weirdly, I read "questions" as "hands"
Algaron: ooc: That is weird.
Eisheth: ooc: it was.
Brand: ooc And I am suddenly SO glad we are not popular enough for people to write fanfic about us.
Eisheth: ooc: Brand-Algaron slash
Brand: ooc I can hardly bring myself to imagine. ::shudder::
Eisheth: ooc: it's pretty gross.
Bolson: ooc: I've heard worse
Brand: ooc Of course. Rule 34. But it's definitely bad enough that my brain refuses to visualize it.
Eisheth: ooc: rule 34?
Bolson: ooc: NOOO! NO RULE 34!!!
Eisheth: ooc: is this a Guy Thing I shouldn't ask about?
So I was DMing, but had to give up the chair due to lack of time. New DM stepped up and took over from where I left off. I made a Drow Fighter|Rogue to play.
We woke up after resting at the inn to find ourselves in a dank dungeon cell.
Me: "This reminds me of visiting my aunt. Seriously, her guest room was decorated exactly like this."
So we're kinda getting our **** handed to us in combat, and the sorcerer is pinned by a guard, who keeps punching him. The sorcerer does a called shot to the groin with his staff, rolling max damage. On the guard's next turn, he crits the sorcerer, knocking him unconscious. He asks if the guys gonna keep punching him, and the DM responds "No, he's gonna crawl off to the side and lick his wounds." The entire table slowly erupted into laughter.
We're a relatively low level, 6 person 2e team. Still fighting bugbears and goblins.
Da Burninator, Human paladin (I swear I'm not making this up.)
Malphor, Human ranger (archer style)
Kayndar, Human cleric with 18 strength
Tokzyk, Halfling rogue
Nigel, Human mage
Krogdar, Dwarf Fighter
Tokzyk: That's three encounter's we've fought where we've burst in on them in the middle of dinner and killed them.
Kayndar: We're bastards, aren't we?
Next encounter:
Curtis (DM): As the dwarf bursts through the door, he sees a family of goblins gathered around a table. The tallest, obviously the father, turns around in mid prayer. The eyes of the youngest stare at you in disbelief.
Krogdar: "...You know what, never mind. You have a nice day."
We're being killed pretty badly by a necromancer.
DM: Okay Kayndar, what do you want to do?
K: Umm... I have no ranged weapons, I'm too far to charge him... I throw the halfling! [He crits the necromancer, who drops to the floor, dead.]
Rest of the party: O.O
Now, whenever the party is in trouble, the halfling turns to the cleric and says "THROW ME!"
There should be a feat that lets you use races one size smaller than you as weapons.
Actually, it's in Races of Stone, but close enough, though generally, you're not throwing them as weapons, you're throwing them to get them someplace (without attacks of opportunity!)
After just finishing rescuing the kidnapped civillians:
Swordmage: So, what kind of reward do they offer us?
DM: Ummm apparently nothing since there's nothing listed here.
Fighter: Screw that, lets go to the town and kill them, that'll teach them to ask for help with no reward.
Barbarian: And what is your alignment again?
Fighter: Fighter.
My 3.5 tiefling artificer (now sadly retired) was an evil little psycho sometimes. One major point in her backstory was that her parents, also tieflings, were killed by a local 'militia' called the Knights of the Black Rose as an 'example' to the local planetouched population. Luckily she was with her aunt and uncle at the time. Many years later, deep into her adventuring career, the party took six months downtime and went off to do their own thing.
We all got our own scenes and I got... nasty. At the time, I was level 12.
Me: *rummaging through notes* Hey Mister DM, what level do you think the members of a small-scale but competant militia for a country town would be?
DM: Ahh... three, four maybe?
Me: *evil grin* Right. I use money and a few minor magic items to get the bastards who killed my parents in the meeting hall of my town. And I use that 40 platinum I got off the red dragon to hire as many mercenary archers as I can afford.
DM: Uh, okay... *arranges a few minis in the hall I sketch on the battlemat*
Me: I step out from behind the curtains and stand in the middle of the stage. "Gentlemen. I'd say it's a pleasure, but that would make me a liar. Let's make this simple, shall we?"
DM: "What do you want, demon?!"
Me: "You killed my parents. Now I'm going to kill you. You have two choices - fight me, or take your chances with the archers surrounding this building." *pulls a Wand of Fireball from her Bag of Holding* "This is a Wand of Fireball. I'll be sporting and give you a minute to prepare yourselves."
DM: The wizard and the two clerics both start casting.
Me: Spellcraft. *Nat 20!*
DM: The wizard is casting Magic Missile. The clerics are both casting Protection from Fire.
Me: I'll activate my Amulet of Shield, say good bye to Magic Missile. (Does what it says on the tin...)
DM: Okay. The minute ends and the fighters charge at you, protected by the spells the Clerics cast.
Me: I'm using my Energy Substitution: Cold feat and activating the wand.
DM: *roll roll roll* They're all dead, and you've gone from Neutral Good to Neutral. You're not getting EXP for this, you know.
Me: EXP is nice, but character development is far better.
Me: I'm using my Energy Substitution: Cold feat and activating the wand.
Does Energy Substitution work in conjunction with UMD?
Me: I'm using my Energy Substitution: Cold feat and activating the wand.
Does Energy Substitution work in conjunction with UMD?
Only with the Metamagic Spell Trigger feat from complete mage, which a 12th level character is just barely capable of qualifying for.
I'm almost ashamed of this one. I had the players in a boss fight - a sorcerer that had a fondness for fire. His skin was scorched, his hair was burned off, he had a firey temper, and so on. The paladin took a fondness to taunting enemies in this fight...
[After the paladin fails badly on an attack roll]
Sorcerer: Oh, really now, you can do better than that, o holy warrior!
Paladin: Your mother's a cube of ice!
Sorcerer: Ooh, that's cold.
Another instance, same game: the players are on their way to a continent inhabited by a civilization of dragons. Their transport happens to be a particularly generous dragon native from said country. Due to the isolation of the players' home city, this was their first encounter with a dragon in their lives, and the rogue had taken a particular fondness to dragonkind.
Rogue (to the dragon): So, Goerth (dragon's name), do, eh...does your country have...you know, orphanages?
Dragon: ......yes, yes it does. Forsaken children are in every culture, I imagine.
Rogue: Of course, of course. Would, eh....would I be able to, say...buy one of these orphans?
Dragon:.....................what?
Rogue: Well, nobody else wants them, so...
[The dragon is clearly offended by this]
Fighter: Adopt, he means, adopt!
Dragon: Let me get this straight, you want to take one of our children under your care and rear it as your own?
Rogue: Yes!
Dragon: 'kay, let's say, hypothetically, I am a pixie, and I go up to you and say, "Can I have one of your babies?" What would your response be?
Rogue:........yes.
[The dragon pretends to not hear the rogue from this point onward.]
Me: I'm using my Energy Substitution: Cold feat and activating the wand.
Does Energy Substitution work in conjunction with UMD?Only with the Metamagic Spell Trigger feat from complete mage, which a 12th level character is just barely capable of qualifying for.
I either had said feat or it's a class thing for the 3.5 Artificer... I don't have my Eberron books on hand right now.
Me: I'm using my Energy Substitution: Cold feat and activating the wand.
Does Energy Substitution work in conjunction with UMD?Only with the Metamagic Spell Trigger feat from complete mage, which a 12th level character is just barely capable of qualifying for.
I either had said feat or it's a class thing for the 3.5 Artificer... I don't have my Eberron books on hand right now.
My mistake, 6th level artificer gets the ability for free, I'm not used to playing Eberron.
My 3.5 tiefling artificer (now sadly retired) was an evil little psycho sometimes. One major point in her backstory was that her parents, also tieflings,...
When I first read this I thought "really, I would think they would be a dwarf and an elf. "
There should be a feat that lets you use races one size smaller than you as weapons.
I've basically started doing that. I'm Warren the Warforged Warden, a warforged warden, and am 6'8". The gnome wizard is just under 3' and weighs about 30 lb. including equipment. As such he's taken to riding around on my shoulders/back.
During the latest encounter, I had him prestidigitate my armor into the colors of the bad guys and infiltrated. DM fiat had him roll, and he rolled well enough that he became camoflauged as part of my back as well. Eventually another player got bored and booted down the door.
During the ensuing combat, I made my usual attacks, and then started gesticulating loudly in faux latin as the gnome cast spells, leading the enemies to believe I was taking two standard actions a turn as long as he kept making stealth checks. On his second check, he rolled a nat 20. Thus FUSION HA (for that encounter anyway)!
Second part of the fight I charged one of the two nonminions with a halberd and the catapulted the gnome off my back via inertia. Fun times ensued.
I'm running a rather unorthodox campaign at the moment. Just my friend and myself, co-DMing, 2 PCs each. It's probably not the intended setup, but we're enjoying ourselves. Anyway:
Upon tracking down some golbin slavers, and attempting to sneak into their camp:
Tiefling Rogue (Friend): *Stealth check passes by a large margin* Truly, I am a ninja.
Eladrin Wizard (Friend): *Stealth check passes* I may be squishy, but I am also sneaky.
Dwarf Cleric (Me): *Stealth check passes. Barely* Phew. 'Tis a good thing they be napping.
Dragonborn Fighter (Me): *GETS A FOUR. OotS style.* Erm...morning, gents."
Goblin Mage: What are you doing here?
DF: I'm just passing through, on the way to grandma's. *Bluff check -> Gets a TWO >_<*
Goblin Mage: Not with a fullblade drawn you're ****ing not. *draw their own weapons*
DF: *puts blade away* I-...ah...had to kill some guards on the way here. They were looking for some slavers. *Bluff check -> fails AGAIN*
Goblin Mage: Bull****.
DF: I...er...you see, the thing about that is...YEAAAAAARRG! *draws blade again, charges*
He knows what the ladies like.
Later in that same encounter, the rogue was engaged with a goblin directly alongside the cages where the slaves (IIRC, all females) were kept. The rogue defeats the goblin with a tremendous critical with his rapier. I describe the goblin either spurting blood from the rapid perforation, or becoming Ye Olde Bloody Mist.
At this point, the Rogue flourishes his sword, looks at the captured women (now soaked in the vitals of the goblin), winks and says simply:
"...Ladies."
Rogues Fall, Everyone Dies.
Later on, we found ourselves ambushed by 4 archers and 2 spearmen in a 40-foot-high box canyon. At this point, due to an accidental misread (the part where it stops when you attack) of his wizard's Inivisibility power, my friend had taken to turning his rogue into a superhero while using Wizard's Fury to chuck the occasional Magic Missile.
The rogue is made to vanish, and heads up one wall of the canyon. The casters (Cleric and Wizard) stay on the ground for this one, taking care of the spearmen along with the fighter. Once these 2 are dispatched, the fighter heads up the opposite wall.
Once the archers on his side are thoroughly performated, the rogue sees a moment to be totally ****ing awesome. Not one to miss such an opportunity, he goes for it.
Rogue: I take a running jump off the cliff, shouting mightily! "YAAAAAAAAA-
Me: You know you're 40 feet in the air, and you can't reach the other side, right?
Him: Yeah, but the wizard will catch me with Feather Fall and it will be glorious.
Me: Well, yes. It would be. But you're INVISIBLE.
Him: ...Oh. Oh dear.
Rogue: -aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA-" *THWHAM! (he is left with 4hp or something similar)
The next turn, the badly wounded rogue reappeared in the him-shaped crater on the canyon floor (the wizard chose not to sustain). He spent the next turn reknitting most of his bones thanks to a Cure Serious Wounds and staggered upright again.
Rogue: Dammit, wiza-*cough*-zard...supposed to ca-*cough hack*-catch me.
Wizard: No, you were supposed to not be an idiot.
Two turns later, the fighter had mopped up the remaining archers. He whistled and waved to the wizard below, and stepped calmly off the cliff.
Fighter: *lands gently* More what you had in mind?
Rogue: You shut your face*cough*.
Not directly game related:
At a RL campground with RL friends
Arc (sitting by a campfire, laughing at his completely smashed friend): Hey, Kail! What's your con modifier for being such a drunken a**? Is it worse than your dex modifier?
Kail: Hey Arc! *belch* What's the con modifier of me eating your face?
Kail then stepped around the campfire, grabbing for Arc. He missed, lost his balance and fell into the fire. As he rolled out, yelping:
Arc: I guess the dex modifier is worse.
Kail: I hate you.
I found one of my old gaming notebooks. This one's from a doozy of a session. (3.5)
Party: Damned Souls
Tiefling Rogue/Wizard, completely without morals or qualms about doing unto others. Originated in Planescape.
Silver Dragon, but an evil self-serving sunuvvabich regardless. Greyhawk.
Werewolf Cleric of Malar, Exactly What It Says On The Tin. Faerun.
Elven Necromancer with a love of fireballs and aiming for Pale Master, temporarily playing at being a boss encounter. Eberron? He had a dragonmark which he never used, so presumably...
Situation The First: Not Quite What They Were Expecting
DM: The side of the crate is prised open and you realise that you're... well, you don't know what a corporate office looks like, but that's what it resembles, anyways. There's a lot of cubicles, each one housing a devil in a smart suit (or skirt as the case may be) going about their daily business.
Werewolf: Aruh?
Dragon: O_O
Tiefling: Oh no, not again...
DM: A demon in a pair of batter blue denim overalls looks around the side of the crate. "Hi there, and welcome to Hell! We're here to repossess your souls!"
Entire Party: ... *rofl*
Situation the Second: Something Doesn't Belong
DM: *as a devil who looks like a friendlier version of Donald Trump* "Something is here in Hell that does not belong. We do not like things that do not belong. Go to the filing department and take care of it."
Dragon: What if we say no?
DM: Then you're fired.
Werewolf: That doesn't sound too bad.
DM: Fired out of a cannon into the River Styx.
Tiefling: Considering that you're sending us into Hell's Filing Department, I think I'll take the Styx.
Werewolf: But... but... I killed the elves of Alagaesia! I don't wanna forget that!
Tiefling: *rolls eyes* Fine.
DM: *snickers uncontrollably* +100 EXP for killing Paolini's Mary Sue race.
(We're not fans.)
Situation the Third: Crystal Balls can be a pain in the backside
DM: The bored devil gives you a crystal ball tuned to track down the unwelcome presence and turns back to the card game, pointedly ignoring you. Who takes the ball?
Dragon: Mine! Gimmie!
DM: Roll UMD or Charisma, whichever.
Dragon: *completely lacking UMD, rolls a 1* Oh bugrit.
DM: The mists in the crystal ball seethe for a moment, then take on the form of a ghostly hand which flips you off and disappears.
Dragon: OI!
Tiefling: Give me that, you Clueless Berk!
Dragon: OI!!
DM: Roll it.
Tiefling: *rolls a 20* Ha!
DM: The mist turns pink, kind of like it's blushing, then turns into a hand that points into the distance.
Werewolf: Wow, the crystal ball thinks you're hot! Flash it some clevage and it'll be your slave for life!
Dragon: OI! ...Wait, do it! *leers*
Tiefling: Will you two clueless berks quit rattlin' yer brainboxes and get on with it?
Situation The Fourth: DM Suffers A Heart Attack
(The room where we were playing has one half-wall, with the missing bit of wall leading into the kitchen. The necromancer's player had been in the kitchen so far, as the other players didn't know what was coming. DM had their back to the half-wall and had no idea that the necromancer was standing just outside their field of vision.)
DM: The hand in the ball dissipates, having led you to your destination; an old building that looks like something out of Silent Hill's creepiest moments. The air seems to pulse with utter malevolence... and yet somehow you get the feeling that something wants to give you cookies.
Werewolf: This place would be my heaven if only that clingy feeling of niceness would f--- off.
Dragon: I'm going inside.
Werewolf: Ditto.
Tiefling: I'm bringing up the rear. Oh, and I draw my wand of magic missile, just in case.
DM: The inside matches the outside... kind of. If it weren't for the random patches of flowers and the scent of sugar in the air, it would be a perfect Hell away from Hell. Spot Checks.
Werewolf: Crap, fail.
Tiefling: I know nothing, I see nothing.
Dragon: *rolls another 1* My dice is cursed!
Tiefling: No, it's just unlucky. When it rolls another 1, then you'll know it's cursed.
DM: You don't see or sense anything, and yet...
Necromancer: *lets out a laugh that's a combination of Star Ocean's Albel Nox at his most vicious and General Flying Fox from Heavenly Sword*
DM: *screams and dives under the table in one fluid movement; considering that DM was on the couch when they started and the lowest edge of the table is only a foot off the floor, quite the achievement*
Necromancer: Hey, I didn't know you were a Catfolk.
DM: YOU BASTARD! You were supposed to freak them out, not me!
Necromancer: *evil grin*
Tiefling: You can come out now.
DM: I can't. I really, really can't.
And yes, that terrified DM was yours truly. I still haven't lived it down. Still, 'Catfolk' is a step up from 'Sunshine Bear'.
Gods, but these are funny. You guys all rock, by the way. Anyway, how'd I forget this little tale?
The curious case of the Captain in the nighttime:
Same party (Tiefling Rogue and Eladrin Wizard, piloted by my friend; Dragonborn Fighter and Dwarven Cleric helmed by yours truly) as before. Much earlier in the campaign, however. Level 2-4ish if memory serves.
We track down a group of bandits that have been harassing us to an abandoned fort. We choose to sneak in during the nighttime. My friend takes the DMing helm on this one, populating the fort with a hojillion baddies. We climb the wall silently enough, and I think to have the Wizard use Ghost Sound to distract the guards. The following conversation ensues:
Me: Yeah, just make the sound of an approaching army or something.
Him: Nah, what about wild beasts? A dragon?
Me: (hit by inspiration) Ladies! No, wait, whores! Captain Fornby and his Prostitute Brigade!
Him: *laughs* Yes! Perfect!
He makes the sound and most of the baddies leave, leaving only a skeleton crew behind. We mop up these guys, but it takes longer than we'd hoped (the dice ran cold on the other side of the wall). So, I begin to roleplay the troops' absence during the enemies' turn.
Me: (affecting a bad Russian accent for no adequately explained reason) Zere must be whores! I haff heard ze Brigade! Find zem! I vas promised whores!
Ah, good times. Later than encounter, my fighter would get a moment of awesome when he realized that the section of the wall he was standing on wasn't high enough to damage him if he jumped. He leapt off the wall, landed between 2 minions, and Cleaved them both in half with his Fullblade.
Captain Fornby has since become a recurring semi-mythical character in the campaign.
This is kinda dark, but...
The party is raiding a Duergar stronghold, questing or the Axe of the Dwarvish Lords. They've just cleared an area of opposition, only to discover the nursery, with several minor duergar.
Dwarven Fighter: I'm disposing of them.
LG Cavalier: 
You can't do that, it's blatantly evil!
Dwarven Fighter: They're Duergar! (Goes about his business.)
LG Cavalier: Well, well, I'm not watching this! (player folds his arms and turns his head in a huff.)
DM: (Laughing) You mean you're Looking the other way?
(In fairness, said Cavalier is normally a Much better role-player than this, he just couldn't help himself from meta-gaming, here.)
My first ever third edition campaign had some fairly memorable moments - mainly involving Dice (a good hearted but basically insane human barbarian, played by my friend sam) and Dendro (a young half elf druid whom Dice pretty much adopted, played by me)and their various 'inventive' ways of escaping tricky situations...
Their first meeting was as follows:
DM: Dendro, as the body of your would be attacker falls to the floor of the inn you look up into the eyes of a heavily built, bald headed man who is grinning manically at you over his greataxe *cues to sam to start speaking*
Dice: Hallo boy!
Dendro:*bit terrified* Umm hello... I-um... Thanks - my name's Dendro *extends a hand*
Dice: *Takes Dendro's hand, still grinning* I'm Dice!
Dendro: Oh... that's... That's an... interesting name - you... um... you gamble?
Dice: *completely deadpan* Haha! No! I like to roll around on tabletops.
The look of utter seriousness on Sam's face made me actually drop to the floor laughing.
*sometime later after leaving the inn*
DM: The pair of you walk out from the shade of the woods that you've been navigating and come across a rocky hillside. As you begin to climb there is a whooshing noise and what appears to be a pillar of flame appears before you. The pillar turns slowly and you notice two bright blue eyes burning about two thirds up. *In a sinister crackly voice* - 'So... you thought-
Me: *quickly scanning my spell list* -(ooc) I cast create water on it!
DM: *looks completely baffled and slightly annoyed at being interrupted during what was obviously a pre-written speech*...what?
Me: (ooc) Create Water! Right above it's head!
DM: *sighs dejectedly* ...You raise your arms and a small trickle of-
Me: (ooc) It says eight gallons here...
DM: *looks thoroughly confused* ...really?
*takes PH and reads for a moment. A look of tired resignation passes over his face as he rolls various dice*
DM: Right well... you kill it. Well done... *mumbles* wankers...
This line was pure chance, but it was fairly awesome. Our 4e group is composed of a Psion, a Fighter, and myself, a Monk.
Though this doesn't happen often, me and the Fighter are basically sitting around while the DM plays out a roleplaying bit for the Changeling Psion. He was talking with a few guards in this bandit camp, and this exchange happened out of character...
(After this long speech-y part between the Psion and several guards)
DM: Man, you guys don't usually go this long without killing everybody. What's going on?
Psion: We're just trying to switch it up for once, try to go through this intelligently.
Fighter: Yeah, because that's how we roll.
Me: (Rolls a d20 and it comes up a natural 20) No, that's how we roll.
The relevant cast:
Rol, eladrin wizard (player goes by the nickname Ogre. More below)
Aegis, former tiefling artificer NPC. Now an intelligent staff.
We've just met a new bunch of NPCs, including a scantily-clad half-elf artificer (native to Eberron, trapped in a generic setting). Aegis is thrilled to meet a fellow artificer.
DM: Ogre, your staff is quite excited.
I suppose the next big question is: why do we call the guy Ogre? Well, most of the group has known one another for a long time. I'm the token new guy. When Ogre first met the other gamers, he had lifted up an enormous tree branch and was swinging it wildly. They compared it to an ogre, and he laughed and clapped in a very strange fashion. I can't describe it well, and seeing the gesture is a huge part of the laugh. We'll just leave it that he is the only person I have seen clap like that and not suffer from a severe mental handicap (and trust me, the guy doesn't).
We break into a freestanding building through a secret door. Fight everyone inside. Kill almost everyone except one guy that escapes through another secret door and warns his friends of our presence.
Whole party (thief): Why didn't you find that secret door?!
Thief: Hey! You said look for a secret door, not look for all the secret doors.
During an old TSR UK module, I think called Dark Clouds Gather. We confront a so-called Oracle, who can apparently see the future.
Oracle (From behind curtain): Ask your question, for I can see all, I know all.
Thief: Do you know what's going to happen in the next thirty seconds?
The fighter tears down the curtain, and the ranger fills the Oracle with about half a dozen arrows.
Ok.. a few from my campaign that started not too long ago
Players (all lvl 2): Jin - Human Fighter
Rue - Eladrin Bard
Random - Tiefling Warlock
Background: 3 pcs (including myself) are sent by and old powerless wizard to kill a holy knight in a town, because he has been meddling in his artifact trafficking affairs. We enter the towns church where we find the knight, when suddenly the wizards manservant appears and happens to be a vampire lord intent on his destruction.
DM: Suddenly the manservant appears, he bears long dark claws and has an unholy presence about him.
Jin: Holy &%^* he's a vampire! thats awesome! I knew he wasnt just a manservant!
RueOOC) We should kill him becuase hes a vampire and hes evil, and if we sit here and watch them fight and the knight wins, he'll be pissed at us and bring a whole order of paladins down upon us
JinOOC) Yea but then if we kill the vampire the old wizard dude will be pissed at us, and he probably has more than vampires at command which he'll bring down upon us
RueOOC) Ok we watch them fight and kill the winner, then set the church (was the building in which all this was happening) on fire, then we can tell the wizard we killed the knight and the vampire was killed by him, unfortenetly.
JinOOC) Ok awesome, but what will we do about this 2 civilians in here, if they go running out of the church theyll tell the rest of the town we burned it down and we conspire with vampires, I guess we can just tie them up and let them burn with the church.
JinOOC) I run over and grapple the first civilian and tie him with my rope!
DM:Roll. (passes the roll, ties him up) Ok. The second civilian, at seeing this, takes a swing at you and (rolls) misses.
Jin: Guys! Help me subdue this other civilian! Our entire reputation with humanity depends on him not leaving this church
At this point, the tiefling warlock, who had done pretty much nothing the entire sessions (she was a new player, not used to rping) turns around, picks up a chair and hits the guy in the head with it, knocking him unconcsious. The rest of us just kind of stared at her for a few minutes after that.
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We were all in the tower with the old wizard, as he was describing to us our mission to deliver a package to a nearby town.
DMOld Wizard) Ok, now that you know the task, if you'll kindly go downstairs my manservant will show his package you are to deliver.
We all looked at the DM for about 15 seconds then started laughing so hard gameplay was stopped for a good 5 minutes.
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PC's have just stolen a few horses from a farm, bluffed their way pass the farmhands, and proceed through town when confronted by the owner of the horses.
Owner NPC: Hey! Arent those my horses!
Rue: (rolls bluff of 32) Nope!
Owner NPC: Oh. Well, be on your way then!
________________________________________________________________________________
Delivering a wooden chest to a city later on, the chest starts rattling and jumping as we get to the city gates
Gaurd: Hey! Whats in that chest! Whys it rattling!?
Rue: (rolls bluff, 30) Oh, we just have a really angry cat in here, we're bringing it to our relatives in the city
Gaurd: Oh, ok. Well you be safe now as you make your way through the city.
::The chest actually contained an evil grimiore that held the soul of a demon, unknown to the pc's
Jin: Guys! Help me subdue this other civilian! Our entire reputation with humanity depends on him not leaving this church
At this point, the tiefling warlock, who had done pretty much nothing the entire sessions (she was a new player, not used to rping) turns around, picks up a chair and hits the guy in the head with it, knocking him unconcsious. The rest of us just kind of stared at her for a few minutes after that.
She hits the civilian NPC, or she hits Jin?
Jin: Guys! Help me subdue this other civilian! Our entire reputation with humanity depends on him not leaving this church
At this point, the tiefling warlock, who had done pretty much nothing the entire sessions (she was a new player, not used to rping) turns around, picks up a chair and hits the guy in the head with it, knocking him unconcsious. The rest of us just kind of stared at her for a few minutes after that.
She hits the civilian NPC, or she hits Jin?
Or did the player actually hit another player? o_O
A couple gems came up during my two groups tonight. In the first one, we were starting out a new 4th Edition campaign to get two new players into D&D. This line came up near the end, when we were fighting the session's final boss, a white dragon.
DM: (Trying to make a suggestion) You know, maybe you guys should try leaving the room with the dragon in it.
Fighter: ...why would we do that?
DM: Because that's the room without a dragon in it, dumb-a**.
We cracked up at that one for a good while.
The second one came up during my online group's session, which is a new RPG called Chaos 6010. (Basically a futuristic space opera setting) Anyway, the group has hidden out in a city full of zombies, and they have now locked on to our position. We are now trying to flee the streets in order to find a new place to hide out.
Agd: (An ogre) I'm going to pick up a dumpster and throw it at the zombies, try to slow them down. (Rolls a 6) Darn. Do I add anything to the roll?
DM: Not unless you specialize in throwing dumpsters.
I don't know if it's a good or bad idea, but he's now considering a character that actually *does* specialize in throwing dumpsters...
Our second try at a 4e campaign. The cast?
Mathew: All-powerful DM.
Allison: Me, temporarily playing a drow assassin. Former DM of the group in 3.5e.
Brad: Elf ranger of some sort. Also DMs.
Nate: Mage-ish person. That is very old.
Sam: Completely forgot what he played.
Sarah: Only Defender, healer, and somewhat sane person in the group.
We're discussing character age, and Nate jumps into the discussion.
Nate: *looks at sheet* I'm 87 cents old.
Mathew: *laughs* Seriously? You put cents?
Nate: No, you did.
Mathew: Oh. *beat* That's centuries.
That's now a running gag in our campaign.
Nate's loyal servant mom brought down a plate of sugar cookies, and placed them at the far end of the table. The table we're at was actually a ping-pong table, so it was pretty big.
Mathew: *reaching futily over DM screen for cookies* The DM only has a reach of melee touch one!
I don't remember if he ended up getting a cookie or not.
Nate's looking over his character sheet while we're between encounters, and the topic of stealth comes up.
Nate: [smugly] Allison thinks she has a good stealth, but... 
~
Mathew: Can you turn invisible?
Nate: 
Brad, Mathew, and I are trying to create a gaming session of sorts with just us DMs. Brad came up with the name of United Council of Dungeon Masters.
Allison: It's pronounced, like, uhcodum.
Brad: I like to call it you-condom.
The best part was, when we were all busting a gut laughing, Brad didn't get why that was funny.
Just before entering an area that we later found out had a lot of traps.
Mathew: *flipping through book* Okay, to the traps... I didn't say anything...
Self-explanitory.
Mathew: A giant sphinx appears.
Allison: I know the answer! It's man.
We encounter fire-spewing jets. Previously, Nate had convinced a minotaur to stop attacking us with his diplomacy.
Nate: Can I make a diplomacy check to convince them to turn off?
These exchanges happened throughout the night between me and my friend Adam, who refuses to pronounce Fharlanghn correctly:
Adam: Ok, well, then I'll take a second to pray to Fargle-Foogle.
Me: It's Fharlanghn...Fharlanghn. Say it. Fharlanghn.
Adam: Fhar....gle-Wurgle!
Me: Say 'whip'...
----
Adam: My god, Farful-Nipple, told me to, so that's what I'm going to do!
Me: ...Fharlanghn.
Adam: Foogly-Woogly.
Me: Fharlanghn.
Adam: Foozle-Niller.
----
Adam: We have to because that's what Fizzle-Wump told me about!
Me: It's Fharlanghn, jackleg.
Adam: What!? It's not my fault that my god has some crazy name like Fump-Muffle.
Me: ...Fharlanghn.
Adam: Fluppity-Schmup.
----
Adam: Well, my character is going to dive into the pool because that's what Farley-Gnarley told him to do.
Me: Fharlanghn.
Adam: Yeah, that one.
Me: Just say it! Just say it! I know you can!
Adam: I can't! Are you kidding me!? My mouth wasn't built to produce that kind of foul sorcery!
These exchanges happened throughout the night between me and my friend Adam, who refuses to pronounce Fharlanghn correctly:
Adam: Ok, well, then I'll take a second to pray to Fargle-Foogle.
Me: It's Fharlanghn...Fharlanghn. Say it. Fharlanghn.
Adam: Fhar....gle-Wurgle!
Me: Say 'whip'...
----
Adam: My god, Farful-Nipple, told me to, so that's what I'm going to do!
Me: ...Fharlanghn.
Adam: Foogly-Woogly.
Me: Fharlanghn.
Adam: Foozle-Niller.
----
Adam: We have to because that's what Fizzle-Wump told me about!
Me: It's Fharlanghn, jackleg.
Adam: What!? It's not my fault that my god has some crazy name like Fump-Muffle.
Me: ...Fharlanghn.
Adam: Fluppity-Schmup.
----
Adam: Well, my character is going to dive into the pool because that's what Farley-Gnarley told him to do.
Me: Fharlanghn.
Adam: Yeah, that one.
Me: Just say it! Just say it! I know you can!
Adam: I can't! Are you kidding me!? My mouth wasn't built to produce that kind of foul sorcery!
I was cracking up as I was reading this. Never again will I pronounce 'Fharlanghn' correctly.
after listening to the penny arcade podcast i believe everything they say is funny. (the formost being " THERES A GUY ON YOUR ROOF!"
I was cracking up as I was reading this. Never again will I pronounce 'Fharlanghn' correctly.
Oh no, I didn't think I'd spread the disease. :P
And I was hoping to see a "Fooly-Cooly" somewhere ....
So, in a 3.5 (gestalt) campaign session earlier today, the DM was bragging about a heavily optimized NPC that he said we couldn't get within attack range of (based around tripping with a spiked chain, extreme reach, and making opportunity attacks). I'm playing a barbarian/scout, my brother was playing a sorcerer/favored soul, and the DMPC was a warblade/swordsage. We are all 3rd level.
The DMPC charges the NPC and the NPC burns all three OAs on him, forgetting to trip. On my turn, I rage and charge, using a maxed-out Power Attack and a greatspear. I deal over 20 damage, and my brother spams Magic Missile. We knocked out the 'hard to beat' NPC by the end of the second round.
DM (OOC): That was supposed to be hard *twitch*. He was CR 8. Okay, there's now an organization of those guys...
Important to note here that Burt is playing a female character and Adam is playing a male character.
[Random encounter where my female Cleric (Sister Eustace) says she won't buy alcohol for our Drunken Master (Adam)]
Adam: Man, my character gets rejected by all the women in the group everyday. [Runs his finger along Burt's shoulder.] Your turn...
Burt: Hmm...she'll buy you a drink. She's good with that.
Adam: Woo hoo! I wasn't rejected by a chick! Your character should go back to his room with him.
Me: [lol] Alright, let's role play this!
Burt & Adam: Uncomfortable!
DM: Ok, that's it. No more genitalia in my world!
Adam: Yeah, we'll just reproduce with spores. [Makes blowing wind noises.] I'm going to release my spores all over your character, Burt.
Burt: [Silence...]
Me: Well, DM, you just made it easier for us to talk about sperm. Good job.
DM: Ok, back to genitalia.
Earlier in the year my group was playing a 4ed campaign as members of a royal assassins guild. The idea is that we all rolled rogues and were given our targets through the guild. However, if we failed to take out our targets in the alloted time we would be killed. All in all it was a great game and we always managed to get our targets well within the alloted time.But I digress, here are some funny stories in regards to the campaign.
We were tasked with the taking out a local woman whom the the prostitution guild had beef with. Apparently she had been hogging all the rich men in waterdeep and then not paying dues. The entire night I had been making claims that she was a vampire or a succubus, considering her nightwalking temptress nature.
In order to get in closer to her we rented a house a house next to hers. However, we had to share the house with a group of rambunctious barbarians. They spent a good chunk of the night partying and disturbing my rest. We awoke at the buttcrack of dawn and found the barbarians passed out naked in the main room.
Me: Are they completly knocked out?
DM: Yes. You could fart in their face and they wouldn't notice.
Me: I have something else in mind.
*Other players are getting antsy about this hit and are already out the door*
Me: I snap a leg off of the table.
DM: Okay. Are you going to hit them?
Me: *Wicked Grin* It's time for a physical. DM gives me a roll which I pass. The table leg is thrust deep into the rear of the lead barbarian.
DM: The barbarian yells loud enough that the rest of the party hears it a block away.
Me: I pass a pair of athletics and stealth checks to jump to the rafters and avoid detection.
DM: The other barbarians are awake now. Two of them are laughing to hard to do anything. While the third gets clocked into the face and falls into hot coals. The barbarian in the coals gets up and yanks the table leg out of the lead barbarian and is knocked back into the coals. They all proceed to dress and run out the door, thirsty for blood.
We had to stop playing long enough for the other players to catch their breath.
Burt: [In good humor] Adam! You are the most worthless monk ever. That's all the damage you do...
Adam: *sob*
Me: Ok, the person who literally just ran around the map wailing for two rounds like a worthless little girl has no room to talk.
Burt: Hey!! I was down to 0 hit points...
Adam: *sob*
Burt: Aww, you're building a rogue? I'm a rogue.
Adam: Yeah, but I'm going to be more of a Sneaky MacSneakerton.
Me: Yeah, not a Stabby MacStabbity.
****
DM: Ok, let's see if you can break free from the gapple. Er...grapple.
Adam: The gapple? The gapple?
Me: Bake fee fom teh gapple! Do eeeeeet.
DM: Damn you guys...
****
DM: Damnit, these guys are bookkeeping heavy. Why did I throw these at you...
Burt: Yay! He's not going to use all of their cool abilities because he's too lazy!
DM: Pretty much. Prepare to be stabbed.
****
Me: Oh, I want to smash the coffin, too. Take a few pieces for later, just in case.
DM: Ok, you can take a few pieces of stone.
Me: Oh!? It's stone!?
DM: Yeah.
Adam: Well...yeah, it's stone. What did you think it was made of, cupcakes!?
Burt: A necromantic cupcake coffin. I want one, too.
Me: ...wood. I thought it was wood.
****
Party: Hmm...we might end up dying in this encounter. TPK...
Adam: Quick! Loot the corpses we've killed, put it in your bags, and then it'll be there when we respawn!
Me (level 5 Cunning Bard): Alright, I sing the Song of the New Dawn . . . *rolls a nat 19* that'll hit for *rolls* oooh 21 points (which is more than twice what I normally hit for thanks to max damage).
DM: What???
Me: Yeah I hit for 21 damage.
DM: What did you do????
Me: Song of the New Dawn . . . oh, and Brak gets to make a saving throw against the ongoing damage, rolling twice.
DM: You sang at it??
Me: Clearly, you've never heard me sing.
THe Party
Edrin Darkblade = Shadar kia TWF ranger/abiding Reaper
(Thinks the Raven queen chose him as a son, lover, or general butt kicker, im not
sure.)
Varis = Elf TWF ranger/sharpshooter
(almost always uses bow, didnt think going ranged ranger gave him anything good)
Esandra = Human chaos sorc/primordial channeler
(my wife IRL, and pretty much uses fire, ohh and she is a natural red head IRL and in
game, go fig.)
Rhogar = Dragonborn fighter/Scion of Ashoka ( jsut a happy go lucky dragonborn)
Warrrrick = Minotaur Taclord/Twice born leader
(DMPC and me, just to balance the party, i generally keep my mouth shut and
let them play and be the focus of the game the way it should be
and
not steal the show.
ALL pc's are lvl 11.
The setting: P1, in the troll warren, before the first interlude.
When we start for the day, Varis isnt showing for the session. He does this from time to time and i have a standing rule if your not here your character isnt here and that way i dont have worry about killing a pc who isnt here.
So were in Gloomfang the Black dragons cave after the party just rushed in and killed him, ignoring the diplomatic option. Pretty standard. So they defeat the dragon (previous session) and are preparing to leave.
DM: "The water flowing though this cave is still quite strong. YOu can feel the pull of the current as it crashes into you legs. Make me an athletic check dc 15.
Everyone makes it except Varis and Esandra.
DM: To the failures, "The current knocks you over into the deeper water and you can feel the current trying to push you under." Make me second check dc 20. Both Edrin and Rhogar assist Esandra figuring Varis can make it and forgetting he has no bonus to str. He fails and gets sucked under.
Rhogar: " I jump in and swim down to find him" Rolls ......... 1. total under 20.
DM: YOu get sucked down and can see a hole near the bottom where the water is pushing you. Make 2nd check.
Rhogar: 30+
DM: "YOu manage to brace yourself along the edges of the hole, its quite slimy and you realize that its dragon poo as you pull away and swim to the surface."
Rhogar: Swims to the surface, and says to the party: " Varis got flushed down a dragon toilet."
Edrin: "What!!! Thats crap. Total bull****. You mean to tell me we fought trolls and dragons but we loose a party member to a dragon's toilet?!?!?!?!?!?
Esandra: 1. Specifically, its dragon crap.
2. No its dragon ****.
3. Your the one who's in love with the raven queen, why dont you ask her?
I love my wife.
Later, when the party fights the boss for the first time, the party got quite beat up being down a member, and having the only healer be a taclord who got dropped in round one causes a few problems. But emerging victorious none the less, the BBEG curses at them.
BBEG: “You have beaten me for now,” he hisses. “But already, my warriors advance on your town, humans. Moonstair will fall, and I will feast on the children of Therund before the full moon rises!”
Edrin: Looking down at him about to Cou-de gras; "We' not from there, we don't care" swing....
Burt: It's not murder, it's justice! ... 15 damage ... oops...that might be murder...
Burt: Ok, I hear the voices. I run over to Eustace to get her help. [Looks nervous.]
[In unison.]
Logan: Hold me!
Melissa: Hold me!
DM: Hold me!
****
Melissa: How wide is my Tenser's Floating Disc?
[Lazy guesses between 3 to 5 ft. ]
DM: Why?
Melissa: I just wondered if I could get it through the door.
DM: No, I'm going to say it won't fit.
Melissa: But-
Me: We'll make this work. We'll cast gust of wind under it on the left side and Bigby's Grasping Hand. We'll spend ridiculous amounts of spell points forcing this thing through the door on principle, rather than having you just spend two spell points on a new one on the other side of the door.
****
DM: What is this I heard about the door?
Me: Oh, nothing. Sonja said she was going to rub up against the door and we were all excited about some girl-on-door action.
Last night I played a character I haven't in a while, introduced to a new group. they want me to stay playing with them mainly because of this.
Alright, we got ambushed by orcs trying to intercept a message to the king. if this message doesn't get to the king, we don't get to warn him about the orc invasion force. yay. They may not have killed us, but they ended up killing our horses. without mounts, we would have been too slow to reach the capital.
Joe: we need to go to the next town over and buy some new horses, or all is lost!
Me: nah, we don't need horses *pulls out a bag of holding and starts rooting around*
Jessica: And how, pray tell do you figure that?
Me: *Pulls the moldering remains of Tyrannosaurus out of the bag, along with an opal wirth roughly 900 Gold* I call her Sue
We got there in record time - Sue not needing rest and all that - and then proceeded to take my zombie T-rex into battle.
(Cookie for the reference!)
Me: *Pulls the moldering remains of Tyrannosaurus out of the bag, along with an opal wirth roughly 900 Gold* I call her Sue
We got there in record time - Sue not needing rest and all that - and then proceeded to take my zombie T-rex into battle.
(Cookie for the reference!)
Dresden, now you give cookie.
Eustace: [Charges down the main aisle (nave) of a temple, having just casted detect magic and seeing invisible beings inside. She bullrushes two pews into two of the beings.] So, I'll roll the bullrush attempt against each pew, I'm guessing?
DM: Hmm...yeah, I guess. It's not like they get to resist with a Strength score or anything; they're not sentient...
Eustace (OOC): Uh-oh, guys! We have bigger problems than amorphous, invisible light beings, apparently. Sentient pews.
....
Pale Hand: [Rushes in, can't see anything but Eustace slamming pews into the walls.] What's going on!?!?
[Baddies move to surround Eustace.]
Eustace: Oh, gods, I'm surrounded!
Pale Hand: By what!?!?!?
Eustace: By idiots, apparently, and beings of light!
....
[We end up winning the fight.]
Eustace (OOC): Are they (bystander, NPC druids) damaged? Hurt?
DM: Not physically.
Eustace (OOC): Does that mean not that I can see!? Or is that just how you chose to phrase it!?
Pale Hand (OOC): Their minds are illithid salads. That have been tossed. *nom, nom, nom*
DM: You have to be adjacent to the creature to mount it, it also has to be willing.
Figher: Oh they have to be WILLING, to MOUNT them.
The cleric and the bard are having a number of kills contest. Bard gets a kill and taunts the Cleric using gibberish, later Cleric gets a kill, mumbles as he adds a tic mark to his sheet.
Fighter: The two leaders have a language of there own... ina ourya acefa!
Rogue uses a power that causes special effects.
Bard: What is this, we (the leaders) start getting kills and the rogue is doing extra effects.
Wizard: Was that a Freudian sleep?
... ina ourya acefa!
lol
DM: "No, it's unlocked."
Rogue: "OK, I get out my rope and grappling hook and throw it on the roof."
DM: "The roof."
Rogue: "Yes," (rolls) "I rolled a 15, does it catch anything?"
DM: "On the roof?"
Rogue: "Yes!"
DM: "I don't have a CLUE! I never mapped the ROOF! You're supposed to go in the DOOR! That's why it's UNLOCKED!"
(Was my first ever DM session and I learned a valuable lesson.)
They turned them into ignorant morons obsessed with cramming the word "Guard' into every sentence.
"Hey, Guard-buddies! How's your guading going?"
"Can't talk now, I'm Guarding"
"Wha, my Guard-brain just imploded. I've got an awesome Guard idea"
"What's that, my Guard-friend"
"Ok. We get some Dogs, OK. And we show them how to Guard things"
"Guard Things"
"Yah. Like.... Guard... Dogs..."
Me: :facepalm:
Anyway, I had this whole skill challenge mapped out where the PCs were supposed to spy on a meeting. They were hired to guard a caravan as cover for spying on the caravan's leader. I had an entire page of skill challenge concepts mapped out.
What do they do?
"I'll ask the Guards if they need any help, you know Guarding. Like one Guard helping out another Guard. Guard-brothers"
Me: :facepalm:
I let them get away with it because it was funny and completly obvious. They just walked in and took up positions around the doorway. No stealth, magical spying, or subterfuge at all.
Sardaukar: "Alright, there's one kobold left! Don't let him get away!" *swings sword, rolls d20*
Hrothgar(OOC): "You're gonna miss!"
Sardaukar: *critically misses* "FFFFFFFFFFFFF" (OOC): "Can I hit Hrothgar?"
Me(DM): "What for?"
Sardaukar(OOC): "He made me critically miss!"
Me: "Alright, roll damage."
Hrothgar(OOC): "What, he doesn't have to roll attack?"
Me: "Quit whinging before I make it a critical hit."
And this one happened in Scepter Tower of Spellgard, after the first fight with the bandit boss guy (can't remember his name), and the drow. Total, my rogue, and Sardaukar, the swordmage from above, had him cornered in this room behind the stairs and were beating the crap out of him.
Total: "Sardaukar! Don't let him get away!"
Sardaukar: "Actually, I think it might be best if you take care of him."
Total(OOC): "You marked him, right?" *invokes opportunity attack, gets hit, Sardaukar teleports and hits boss*
Joe(DM): "He's bloody now."
Total(OOC): "Really?" *Infernal Wrath, Trick Strike, 32 damage, slides boss to corner*
Joe: "Ok, he's gonna teleport outta there."
Total(OOC): "Are you serious?! That shoulda killed him!"
Joe: "I know. That's why he's bookin' it outta there!"
Sardaukar: "It's alright, Total. I'm sure we'll get him soon."
Total: "We better." (OOC): "That bit*h survived my daily. He wouldn't survive a stubbed toe now."
Joe: "Ah, actually, he has the plus infinity boots of steel toe."
Total(OOC): "Great, I'll make him cough up plus infinity rust after I shove those boots up his a$$!"
Sardaukar: "Alright, there's one kobold left! Don't let him get away!" *swings sword, rolls d20*
Hrothgar(OOC): "You're gonna miss!"
Sardaukar: *critically misses* "FFFFFFFFFFFFF" (OOC): "Can I hit Hrothgar?"
Shoulda named him "Fremen," then he wouldn't have missed. Sardaukar are so overrated ....
M: It's a good thing you have those windows. Otherwise, we might never have escaped from that giant skull.
Xivlan: I hate to break up your lover-speak, Miss Vampire, but THE DOCTORS ARE COMING BACK.
M: Don't worry boys, I'll take care of this! SUBZERRRRROOOOOO!
(Freeze everywhere)
M: Oh, I'm dying.
Zeke: Everything I touch dies!
Doctor Ceasius: Don't worry kids, I practice preventive medicine! I can make things better than they were before!
Xivlan: LIKE HELL! Ratman, destroy him!
(Headless Rat-lycan with sickle beheads Ceasius)
Niccolo: Y'know, it's kinda' sick how you keep animating dead bodies and then killing them with your other animated dead bodies.
Xivlan: (Ignoring him) Well boys, we all learned a valuable lesson from all of this.
BBEG: Fools! You cannot fathom the power Lord Orcus has bestowed upon me.
Bravado warlord (low int and wisdom): HA! I can't fathom alot of things and it hasn't stopped me yet. Charge!
Situation: the heavily trapped room with the statues in Keep on the shadowfell after destroying two statues and disabling one of the dragon statues. And is now nervously looking at the alcove with the vase holding angel statues. The swordmage spends some time poking the statues and darting back and forth in front of them.
Swordmage: Excellent, these angels must demark the safe area in this room. *walks forward*
Ranger: Or it could be that they don't activate until you walk past them.
*Trap goes off trapping the swordmage inside a force walled area that is filling with water. The elf ranger and dwarf cleric are outside the trap*
Dwarf and elf: DOOOOOOOOOOOMEEED
SM: You couldn't have shared that insight with the rest of the class sooner?.
The chamber fills with water as the swordmage tries to destroy the water spewing statues and the other two starts dragging the disabled dragon statue to blast the force walls since none of our attacks worked.
DM: The enclosure is now completely filled.
SM: Well at least it can't get any worse.
Cleric OOC: You did you just say that?
DM: The vases turn 90 degrees and a whirlpool forms. Dealing you X damage as you are buffeted around.
SM: Great. I am going to get killed by the giant washing machine of DOOM.
The dynamic duo has pushed the fire spewing statue in front of the wall and need to activate it.
DM: Okay I need an arcana check to turn it on.
Ranger: My modifer is +1 what's yours?
Cleric: ...I defer to your surperior knowledge of the arcane.
Ranger: okay. *rolls* "4"
DM: Yeah, that's not going to... wait. (Remembers that the swordmage had failed twice to disable that statue and a third failure causes them to go haywire.) You failed so hard you looped into success. The dragon statue goes ballistic and takes out a large portion of the wall, freeing the swordmage.
DM: Warforgeds where were you?
Me: I stood in front of the (Warforged creator's) store standing still and when children come close I go "BOOH!"
DM: They know you and are not scared at all.
Me: "The children hide it but in their terror I can glimpse the uncertain future of a world that doesn't exist."
Later on with the two goblins (the tall goblin is actually a changeling that way raised by goblins and has no idea who he really is)
Me: *turn to Tall Goblin player* "BOOH!"
Tall Goblin Playaer: *stared blankly*
Me: "I don't like you."
Then when we learn our mission
Senor Terracotta (Warforged brother, in a bad Mexican accent): "Is it true papa? I can go out and fight injustice in the name of Pelor now that I have battled the evil of dust and grime?!"
Later on while on the road.
Me (to Stormsoul Genasi who was used to bring us to life): Say Mama, what color does a Goblin bleed?
*Genasi player and DM laugh*
Tall Goblin Player: *pretends to cut himself* "Purple!"
Me: "I like purple! I like you now!"
Later on still
Me: "Do you have other biological function to accomplish before we leave?"
Tall Goblin Player: I pee on him.
Me: I curse him.
DM: *Laughs* You don't feel good at all, you never felt like this when peeing on something before.
After finding some gold pieces laying around in ruins and sharing them.
Me: "For 2 gold pieces I can write you an horoscope." *rolls a great Bluff)
Tall Goblin Player: "Okay!"
Horoscope: Buisness will be good if you follow the advice of people smarter than you. Avoid the color green and a woman might smile at you instead of spit on you. Acamar is in Aquarius and Hadar in Pisces so drink lots of liquid. Your lucky numbers are 2 and 13.
I think I'll write a few more of those horoscopes in the future :p
Horoscope: Buisness will be good if you follow the advice of people smarter than you. Avoid the color green and a woman might smile at you instead of spit on you. Acamar is in Aquarius and Hadar in Pisces so drink lots of liquid. Your lucky numbers are 2 and 13.
Ridiculously funny.
Horoscope: Buisness will be good if you follow the advice of people smarter than you. Avoid the color green and a woman might smile at you instead of spit on you. Acamar is in Aquarius and Hadar in Pisces so drink lots of liquid. Your lucky numbers are 2 and 13.
Ridiculously funny.
The DM gave me enough XP to catch up to the Goblins because of that (they had 75 XP more than the rest of us) XD
Last night I played a character I haven't in a while, introduced to a new group. they want me to stay playing with them mainly because of this.
Alright, we got ambushed by orcs trying to intercept a message to the king. if this message doesn't get to the king, we don't get to warn him about the orc invasion force. yay. They may not have killed us, but they ended up killing our horses. without mounts, we would have been too slow to reach the capital.
Joe: we need to go to the next town over and buy some new horses, or all is lost!
Me: nah, we don't need horses *pulls out a bag of holding and starts rooting around*
Jessica: And how, pray tell do you figure that?
Me: *Pulls the moldering remains of Tyrannosaurus out of the bag, along with an opal wirth roughly 900 Gold* I call her Sue
We got there in record time - Sue not needing rest and all that - and then proceeded to take my zombie T-rex into battle.
(Cookie for the reference!)
Somebody already beat me to it but I want to post the picture anyway.
img.photobucket.com/albums/v256/edge-of-...
but, I have another gem for you:
Still playing my level 12 Hellfire Warlock who had animated the T-Rex last time. Due to circumstances, I no longer had that T-Rex, and our party was being whooped by a wizard and his demon buddy, a giant fat monkey thing with wings. As all seemed lost, I presented what I had spent my level 12 feat on
Me: Quicken Spell-Like Ability!
Jessica: How's that going to help us?
Me: oh, ye have little faith *I run headlong up to the demon, barely dodging it's Attack of Opportunity I then proceed to use sudden widenened and sudden maximized hellfire hideous blow with a morningstar. the first was my standard action, while the other three were the quickened attacks I got from my new feat. let me put it into perspective - the first attack did 115 damage (maximized and widened 12d6+1d8+1). the following two attacks missed, but the last one was a critical hit, confirmed and double confirmed for an instant kill*
DM: ... Daishar dashes forward into the fray. His morningstar blazes with the unholy fire of hell as he swings and cleaves the right arm and much of the chest from the Nalfeshnee. In terror, the demon tries to flee, wildly dodging a pair of strikes that would have the same crippling power as the first, when he is struck dead in the chest by one last downward swing. The ground quakes as the morning star hits the floor, bits of demon flying in every direction, a small crater forming in the hard stone.
Everybody: *Stunned Silence*
Me: *points to the wizard* YOU WANT SOME OF THIS?!
and to clarify, no, he did not want some of that.
So we start playing where we left off, which is near near a lava flow, and I say . . .
Me - "A blackened skeleton rises from the lava near you, he introduces himself as Jonathan"
Players - "hey we're going to go kill some guy named Sarshan, want to help?"
Jonathan - "Of course!"
Player 1 - OOC: Wait, we're just going to let a skeleton that crawled out of the lava join us?
Player 2 - OOC: I guess?
After that we made him a character, a Revenant Fire Soul Genasi with a revamped Fiery Magic Missile. Also he's addicted to gems and has cost the players about half of their gold while adventuring, even lying to the party so they would take a quest that he thought would yield more gems.
...but agreed when he explained to her that they had brought her 150 morsels for the newborn.
I just hope your played a villain campaign ...
Bear R*p* Von Bear Man: I wanna search the corpse.
DM: Roll me a search.
Bear: Rolls a good roll.
DM: You search his pocket, and find a bad stench.
Bear: I leave it there.
Group laughs.
Warlock, OOC: "I run away from the druids, singing a song about the joys of pollution!"
DM, OOC (Singing): "Hooray for toxic chemicals / Hooray for acid rain..."
The players were fighting a group of werewolf druids, and needed to get them to chase the warlock so he could lure them into a trap
Warlock, OOC: "I run away from the druids, singing a song about the joys of pollution!"
DM, OOC (Singing): "Hooray for toxic chemicals / Hooray for acid rain..."
That'd do it... Cookie for seriously neat giggles.
-Sarena
I don't like mages. You can never really predict what they're going to do, there is just so much to worry about. I mean, you never know what's up their sleeve. A rogue, though, you know what's up a rogue's sleeve. A dagger. A dagger and a whole lotta pain.
The rogue looked at him and said,"It's a free action to cry."
Names changed to protect the guilty.
Joe (me) married to Betty.
Bob is married to Linda.
Bob: Linda, since we can't play are regular game, Joe wants to know if you and I would like to go to Joe's place and have an adventure with him and Betty.
Linda:
and I respond to that cause im a good cleric of kelemvor at the time and completely in character "If she calls off her minions I might give them back.
DM: *fetal possition*
Needless to say the minions we where fighting tripled and he had to dm hand saving us lol.
Discussing characters for a steampunk campaign.
J: I'm playing a Samurai from the past.
DM: ...What's his name?
J: I don't know yet.
Me: *looking up from my book* Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku!, the Shape-Shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil!
J: ...CRAP! Alright, hang on, looking through my folder...
DM: You have a folder of this stuff?
J: Okay, how about an alcoholic healer from a medical unit in the army?
DM: His name?
J: Trapper John.
Me: *singing* Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if you please.
J: God-DAMN, woman!
DM: I have a bad feeling about this...
J: A really tall bard who talks about cars a lot.
Me: Clarkson!
J: *twitch* A spirit being dedicated to healing people, only he can't leave his home without a special gem that lets him keep his physical form.
Me: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
J: Are you going to do that to every character I suggest?
Me: If you keep basing them on TV shows I watch, then yeah!
DM: *groan*
Well, I survived the NaNoWriMo and exams, and I return with more stories. All stories are 3.5, as per usual.
Discussing characters for a steampunk campaign.
J: I'm playing a Samurai from the past.
DM: ...What's his name?
J: I don't know yet.
Me: *looking up from my book* Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku!, the Shape-Shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil!
J: ...CRAP! Alright, hang on, looking through my folder...
DM: You have a folder of this stuff?
J: Okay, how about an alcoholic healer from a medical unit in the army?
DM: His name?
J: Trapper John.
Me: *singing* Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if you please.
J: God-DAMN, woman!
DM: I have a bad feeling about this...
J: A really tall bard who talks about cars a lot.
Me: Clarkson!
J: *twitch* A spirit being dedicated to healing people, only he can't leave his home without a special gem that lets him keep his physical form.
Me: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
J: Are you going to do that to every character I suggest?
Me: If you keep basing them on TV shows I watch, then yeah!
DM: *groan*
Nice, even if I don't quite get the last one.
Well, I survived the NaNoWriMo and exams, and I return with more stories. All stories are 3.5, as per usual.
Discussing characters for a steampunk campaign.
J: I'm playing a Samurai from the past.
DM: ...What's his name?
J: I don't know yet.
Me: *looking up from my book* Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku!, the Shape-Shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil!
J: ...CRAP! Alright, hang on, looking through my folder...
DM: You have a folder of this stuff?
J: Okay, how about an alcoholic healer from a medical unit in the army?
DM: His name?
J: Trapper John.
Me: *singing* Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if you please.
J: God-DAMN, woman!
DM: I have a bad feeling about this...
J: A really tall bard who talks about cars a lot.
Me: Clarkson!
J: *twitch* A spirit being dedicated to healing people, only he can't leave his home without a special gem that lets him keep his physical form.
Me: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
J: Are you going to do that to every character I suggest?
Me: If you keep basing them on TV shows I watch, then yeah!
DM: *groan*
Nice, even if I don't quite get the last one.
[Star Trek nerdmode]The last one is a reference to the Holographic Doctor from Star Trek: Voyager......in later seasons he got a portable holoemitter that allowed him to leave the medical bay and sometimes the ship....[/Star Trek nerdmode]
DM: Madur, your turn.
Me: Alright, I uh *checks the char builder* I'm going to use my climb speed and move 6 up this cliff face. IC my character's running, but he's not actually running, yanno?
DM: Yeah- and... oh. (He'd seen me make this attack previously in the encounter)
Me: Alright, so Madur climb-runs up to the top of the cliff face, and then as a standard he uses Warden's Lunge in conjunction with Pouncing Armour. *rolls* he leaps EIGHT squares horizontally, rolls to hit the flying minion *rolls*
DM: Is that a 42?
Me: It's a 42. I assume that hits?
DM: The minion vanishes in a fiery cascade as you bisect it straight down the middle!
Me: HUZZAH!
Other player: You're taking falling damage, right?
Me: I can acrobatics check to reduce that, right?
Other player: Only trained. 2d10.
DM: *rolls*
Me: Only 5.
DM: So Madur runs straight up the cliff face, does a kicking backlip and launches himself forty feet horizontally. He slashes the angel a twain and continues down to the ground. The impact jars him slightly.
Other player: Hey, look, there's another angel over by that cliff face!
Me: EhehehehhehAHAHAHAHA!
Well, I survived the NaNoWriMo and exams, and I return with more stories. All stories are 3.5, as per usual.
Discussing characters for a steampunk campaign.
J: I'm playing a Samurai from the past.
DM: ...What's his name?
J: I don't know yet.
Me: *looking up from my book* Long ago in a distant land, I, Aku!, the Shape-Shifting Master of Darkness, unleashed an unspeakable evil!
J: ...CRAP! Alright, hang on, looking through my folder...
DM: You have a folder of this stuff?
J: Okay, how about an alcoholic healer from a medical unit in the army?
DM: His name?
J: Trapper John.
Me: *singing* Suicide is painless, it brings on many changes, and I can take or leave it if you please.
J: God-DAMN, woman!
DM: I have a bad feeling about this...
J: A really tall bard who talks about cars a lot.
Me: Clarkson!
J: *twitch* A spirit being dedicated to healing people, only he can't leave his home without a special gem that lets him keep his physical form.
Me: Please state the nature of the medical emergency.
J: Are you going to do that to every character I suggest?
Me: If you keep basing them on TV shows I watch, then yeah!
DM: *groan*
Nice, even if I don't quite get the last one.
Only thing I could guess was the hologram doctor from Enterprise: Voyager...
"I cast fireball on the rogue and search his corpse for my coinpurse."
Rogue (me): how did you you know?
'I pushed the button.'
And more adventures of Thok Rhah, half-orc barbarian.
Picking up a petrified gnome caster in our party to move him out of harm's way, I throw him down, yet he doesn't move.
::poke, poke:: 'Come now, wake up. Thok scarer than these uglies.'
Fighting in a small room, a massive swing takes down an opponite in a single hit, prompting it to explode that causes blindness on a fail.
Thok: 'HA! Thok sword cause 'splosin. Thok sword magic now!'
Paladin: 'But it wasn't the sword, the monsters---.'
Wizard: 'Let him be.'
In between two monsters after one of their ally's blind-death blinds them both. 'Don't worry, Thok not here. Go about bizness.'
Facing the last of them.
Thok: 'Surrender and die!'
Paladin: 'It's "or die", Thok.'
Thok: 'No, "and". Surrender-die just faster.'
Wizard: 'Hey, Thok. We need to get that body off the shore of the lake.'
Thok: 'Thok got.' ::pulling out short sword and rope:: 'Thok go fishing.' ::thump:: 'Thok hook big one! He a fighter. We eat good tonight. Hmmm, look like human-fish. Oh well, get enough pepper, anything taste good.'
Our healer is analizing the weapons of our foes while Thok is about to lick the blood off of one of our foe's daggers.
Cleric: 'Let's see here, these knives are- Thok don't do that! It's poison!'
Thok: 'Okay'
Cleric: 'Anyway, the weapons seem to have a slight magic aura and- I said don't lick that Thok!'
Thok: '...Sorry...'
A party member hands a book to Thok, one which he suspects may be full of evil. So I grab a PHB and open it up, upside-down.
'Ah, yes. Thok see. Sss, sss, sleps ki- ki- kijam. Very bad, very dark. Evil words of an evil language'
The book gets righted in my hands.
'Thok only find words harder now.'
Wizard: 'Hey, Thok. We need to get that body off the shore of the lake.'
Thok: 'Thok got.' ::pulling out short sword and rope:: 'Thok go fishing.' ::thump:: 'Thok hook big one! He a fighter. We eat good tonight. Hmmm, look like human-fish. Oh well, get enough pepper, anything taste good.'
I like this one.
Paladin: I need some extra help; I'm going to break out my Cooters of Second Choices.
Warlord: 'Counters,' my man. I believe you meant 'Counters.'
Avenger: Why is it your second choice?
Being chased across a bridge by a large and hungry monster:
Male Fighter: Quick cut the ropes!
Male Thief: It is a stone bridge
Male Fighter: So?
Male Thief: There are no ropes
Guard: Sure you are...
Rogue: But I have a +9 in Bluff!
Guard: You're trying to pull that one off with a +9? Man, you crazy.
A variant of D&D 3.5 taking place in the Modern world. The party is an elite military unit known as P.A.N.I.C.S., or "People Acting Normally In Crazy Situations".
Sarge, CG Dwarf Paladin - The leader, has been in enough combats to have a very bleak outlook on life. He is an alcoholic and a big eater, making him obese. Prefers the shotgun or warhammer to talk for him.
The Doctor, LN Elf Cleric - Second in command, uses a combination of magic and science. Prefers to hide in the back and use ranged weapons.
Devastator, N Warforged Barbarian - Very strong and tech-savvy, with a penchant for cannibalizing other constructs to enhance himself. Current add-ons: jump jets (casts jump on self), hologram projector (casts silent image)
Leprechaun, CN Halfling Warlock - Tiny, but with massive firepower. Basically a living, magical semi-automatic pistol.
Vulpix, CN Fire Genasi Rogue - Stealth and demolitions expert. Immune to fire, and loves blowing things up. Her personality is like a mix of Osaka and Deadpool.
When discussing an enemy force, the subject of weapons came up. When the subject of guns was brought up, The Doctor was mocked for choosing to enter combat wearing his leather armor. His response?
The Doctor: My faith protects me. My Kevlar helps.
After Devastator had killed a warforged scout and stolen it's jump jets, he used it's parts to build a metal chair. Leprechaun noted that he creates random items out of every construct they kill, leading to this exchange:
Leprechaun: You're like some kind of Builder-Bot!
Devastator: More like "Constructer-Con".
The Doctor: Stand back! I'm going to use science! (His standard battle cry)
Sarge normally has some pretty crazy ideas, such as this:
Sarge: Devastator, construct a catapult to throw yourself over the wall. Then, start devastating.
Devastator: As you command.
Sarge: Doctor, build some science stuff to use as weapons. I have some elf wine if you need it.
Doctor: Um, okay...
Sarge: Vulpix... Improvise.
Vulpix: I have no idea what that means! *runs off*
Sarge: Leprechaun, use Dev's catapult to throw yourself over the wall. He may need your support.
Leprechaun: What!? Are you out of your mind?
Sarge: DO AS I COMMAND!
The party's swordmage had just effortlessly read a dwarven inscription in a dungeon in front of my wizard who had just joined the party and assumed that said swordmage knew nothing.
The funny part is that line just slipped out, because I thought that I had read my friend's character sheet and did not know that the character spoke dwarvish, however everyone else just assumed that I had said it in character, so the line stuck.
"That's Quincey all right."
Drunken Scottish Fighter, to innkeeper: "If you know what's good for me, you'll fetch me a flagon of mead and another flagon of mead... and not necessarily in that order!!"
Preparing to raid an English village:
Drunken Scottish Fighter: "Let's kill these Swedes!"
Another PC: "Swedes? Kayin, do you even know what country you're in?"
Eladrin Avenger: "In Aelfheim, we have running water and everyone has a pony!"
A giant, put to sleep and then webbed, upon awakening: "Mommy, I fell asleep and now I'm all sticky!"
Drunk Fighter: "These Scottish people are dumb as h***!"
Wizard: "Kayin, that's a hill giant."
Wizard's player, after I went a bit overboard with a description: "Yes, tell us more of the inn's vile inhabitants."
Wizard: "So, how shall we proceed? Stealth, or simply charging? Oh, who am I kidding, this is us. FORWARD!!!"
Party finds a "fungus dryad" apparently held captive by galeb duhr; wizard puts 2/3rds of the encounter to sleep with a well-placed spell:
Fighter: "Perhaps ye shouldn'a have put the lass to sleep before we worked out whose side she's on!"
Wizard (confidently): "Villans wear not mushroom caps!"
Fighter: "Are ye sure?"
Wizard (in the same confident tone of voice): "No!"
The wizard's player then felt bad for ruining my (badly-designed) encounter. The fighter's player tried to cheer him up.
Fighter's player: "This is more memorable than just a tough boss fight."
Wizard's player: "Yeah, because it's STUPID."
Somehow, a discussion of the old "bag 'o rats" tricks led to:
Wizard's player: "What is the carrying capacity of pants?"
Me: "Uh..."
Warlock's player: "Remember, the unit of measurement is 'rats'."
We had just broken out of, then hired onto a slave caravan led by a stormsoul genasi. The second-in-command is a firesould genasi, there are some earthsoul guards, as well as some human guards. While the Stormsoul, our two rangers, and the cleric were about 1/2 mile away confering on the best way to assasinate the firesoul and those nearest him, those of us at the camp were around when the firesoul announced a coup-de-gra.
Firesoul: "Alright, now that the mage isn't here, I'm taking this place over. Everyone who wants to join me, come over here. "
Swordmage (Me): "So does that mean that when the mage gets back, your not in control anymore, or will you stay in control"
DM: "One of the bowmen (Firesoul has two human archers, a earthsoul guard, and two human guards with him) shoots an arrow at you. Does 29 hit your AC?"
Me: "Yes" (AC was 20, this is level 3)
DM: "Alright...10 damage."
Me: "That's a No to the question. I'm joining you!."
My total HP is only 41.
"Where have you been?"
"I was at the tavern"
"Oh, that explains everything." (Wait, you get XP for that?)
(Well, dwarves do...)
www.youtube.com/watch?v=j2uTcCEEjcU
We are on a raft between an island, and a huge shipwreck. We are paddeling towards the wreck.
DM: Even though you are moving away from the island, it seems to closer than before.
Me:Ah! It's giant turtle with an island on its back!
Barbarian:A giant Torterra?
Me: Oh, god! I cast hyper-beam!
Barbarian:I cast fireblast!
Later, we are rowing a group of people from the boat, back to the island. One of them decides that its a good idea to take over our raft(?). I lement over how us saving people never works out.
Me:So I gave mony to beggers, and they mob me, I try to save a town, and they all get murdered, I try to save the forest spirits, and I almost get burnt to death! The next character I will be a jerk! He wont help anyone!
Dm:You know, thats not a good idea...
Barbarian:Com'on, join the rest of us!
One Player (running a Paladin): Look, I don't want to get into a discussion of morals and values and ethics... Another Player (interrupting): Because that would be wrong.
A giant mosquito attacked and latched onto the group's druid (a female elf). Everyone pulls out their weapons, ready to kill the bug.
Druid: Please grab the mosquito instead of using your weapons. That way, if you roll a 1, the worst thing you do is grab my boob.
Our warlord, who is kind of reckless, insults a talking plaque. The plaque responds by leaping off the wall and onto his head, and proceedd to eat him, working its way down.
DM: So this thing's on your head, trying to bite you.
Warlord: I do Guarding Attack! (rolls) Natural 20!
He waits to see if he hit the plaque. We wait to see if he chopped his head off with his own axe.
DM: I have to give it to you, but because of the awkwardness of the swing, you only do half damage.
Warlord: He takes 8 damage. Oh, plus 5 ongoing fire damage.
DM: Ok. Suddenly you feel very hot and take 5 points of fire damage.
Druid: I don't know what to do; none of my attacks will hit the creature without hurting the Warlord.
Warlord: (Whose head, shoulders, and one arm are out of sight by now) Ish ohay!
Druid: Alrighty then. Storm Spike to the head.
Wizard (is trying out his new cantrips) Oooh, I can use Prestigidation to make the top of his head taste bad!
We are doing the April Fool's Delve.
Warlock: This Snuggler's been doing a lot of embracing, so I'm going to Vampiric Embrace him.
Druid: Embrace him hard.
DM: You get a psychic blast from the armadillo as it dies, and a wave of emo sadness and despair washes over you. You think of razor blades and Dashboard Confessional songs.
Rogue (when she sees the unicorn rabbit creature): Awww, it's all cute and precious! (pause) I'm still going to stab it.
Our characters have switched bodies, and there are the usual jokes with gender reversals.
Fighter (whispers to Druid): Hey, Druid, how do you go to the bathroom?
Druid (whispers back): Usually I just turn into an animal and pee in the Fighter's bedroll.
4e with much of the pantheon from 3.5.
The players are chaotic evil, and have killed a spy for a paladin of Pelor.
After discussing a bit, they want to leave town, but the warlock sees
potential comrades when a group of monks carried the body towards
a teple (of pelor) and he mishears their conversation.
The monks talk about making a sacrifice to the god of the sun, involving
burning some herbs, to grant the dead spy safe passage to pelor's realm.
The player somehow believes the monks are going to use a dead man as
a sacrifice, and believes the monks must be of a cult opposed to pelor.
Player; Can I roll a religion check to find out who in this area is the ones mostly against Pelor?
DM; ...uhm.. sure.
Player (evil evil warlock); *rolls a 26* ok, who is the biggest threat to pelor?
DM (smiling); uhm.. you.
The rest of the party:
claiming "this is for my friend!" the group barbarian sawed off the npc arm and then fed him a potion of cure light to keep him from dying.
they then took the npc as a prisoner to interogate and get information about an enemy military operation.
upon bringing him to the basement of thier house and shackling him the group became confused.
"where does this go?" the psion asked holding up the right arm cuff of the shackles.
"i dont know, hey guys did we put these on correctly?"
"i thought so we put one on all his limbs but theres no where for this cuff to go..."
"anyways guys lets get to asking him some question"
the barbarian steps up glaring deeply into the prissoners eyes, "where is the ARMy being raised, What kind of ARMaments do they have, how are you supplying them with ARMor?!"
"hey guys maybe this would be easier if i chARMed him first" says the psion
"gosh guys ARMnt you glad we captured him! he will be so usefull!"
"you know i really dont think we put these shackles on in the correct ARMrangement"
they have yet to dispose of this character and rehired him to work for them (his parter however doesnt and there is about to be a very intersting encounter when the two meet up again).
this group also has an athasian (intelligent) zombie that they converted into a backpack of types. the party was discussing what to do with him when one asked him what his name used to be when the zombie replied satchel the group got a look in thier eyes and all smilled at once. now they have a deboned zombie that they use as a sidebag. they of course spent lots of money to make sure that an evil cleric could keep him alive as they removed the bones and sewed him into a bag for carrying items.
I recently played in a one-off (4e) as a Half-Orc TWF Ranger focused on off-action attacks. We started off at an arena to get a feel for our characters. Our Sorceror ends up detonating most of the enemies (Kobolds? Goblins? I do not remember.) we were up against, so we decide to show off a little bit and take a group-wide nova. I'm standing next to a single Kobold, the last remaining. I take the following actions:
Off Hand Strike
Twin Strike
Ruffling Sting
Action Point -> Jaws of the Wolf
(At some point in there, Free Action Racial -> Furious Assault for [1W] more)
That's six attacks, kids. I announced every attack in the sequence before taking the first swing, just so I could find out how dead I could make a Kobold. I missed Every. Single. One. Each time, I just barely missed the target.
DM: As the air in front of you is filled with enough whirling blades to be legally classified as a wheat thresher and a public menace, the Kobold dances, jumps, dodges, blocks, and ducks like his life depends on it. Because it does. His armor is torn off of his body. His sword and shield are knocked away. He gets a haircut. The resultant sparks set a nearby stack of hay to smoulder. Ladies in the crowd faint. But somehow, in defiance of every law of physics and probability, he remains uninjured. A kobold wearing only a pair of torn pants stands in front of you, panting. What do you do?
Me: ...I plant both swords into the dirt at my sides. I grab his arm and raise it in victory. This lizard is clearly my better.
DM: The crowd, baffled for a long moment, builds into a frenzy of cheering. Ladies regain consciousness to throw roses down into the ring. Tears of joy from the crowd extinguish the now-flaming hay.
I hoisted that Kobold onto my shoulders and carried him out of the arena to collect his prize. Best loss ever.
DM (Me): Okay, so you're resting. What do you want to do?
Deva Invoker: I'm examine the carvings on the doorway to see if I recognise any magic runes
Half-Orc Warden: I'm standing alert and on guard against any more threats
Minotaur Fighter: I'M DANCING!
*turns to halfling bard* Hey you! Play the music!In the first round the Allosaurus chomps down on our rogue, who immediately runs away. My barbarian gnome misses with his first attack, in spite of rolling something like a 13.
In the second round the Allosaurus EATS our cleric. One chomp, gulp, smack, and the cleric is gone.
My barbarian gnome: "Och, I ken yon beast is tender on tae inside!" and takes a move action to leap into its jaws, is immediately swallowed, and on his attack, rolls a crit and disembowel's the beast from the inside, spewing guts, priest and gnome in a flood of disgusting gore. The DM made us roll fortitude saves to avoid heaving our own guts out.
Cleric: "Oh my god! Thank you!"
Barbarian, staggering out of the puddle of gore: "Ach, I didnee thin' t'would smell sae bad!"
Rogue, returning from his sprint away from the Allosaurus: "I'm not going anywhere with you two until you clean up."
Barbarian Gnome: "Ach, I've smelled worse."
Guest: Rolls Damage rolls low, and quickly picks up the dice.
Players all together: HEY!!! (as well as other protestes)
Me: You have to keep the roll.
Guest: I AM THE DM I MAKE THE RULES!!
My Warlock player is married to the Rogue player. The warlock was talking about his daughter's friend.
Warlock: She is in a mock trial, she is playing the prostitute.
Rogue: Excuse me she is playing the prosecutor!
DM: "As you tread the beaten path, you come to a fork in the road."
Player: "I pick it up."
Me: I cast Spiteful Glamor. *rolls crit* That's a crit, is he damaged yet?
DM: Not yet (with the tone that he's about to be hit hard).
Me: Cool. Rolling crit dice. *Comes up two 8s*
Rogue: *Looks Over* He got all of that one!
Me: So that would be 35 points of psychic damage.
Sorceror: I'm sorry, did you say Spiteful Claymore??
I'm playing a 7th level bard who isn't use to dealing much damage directly, but I had recently multiclassed into Warlock and picked up a new Wand of Psychic Ravaging.
Me: I cast Spiteful Glamor. *rolls crit* That's a crit, is he damaged yet?
DM: Not yet (with the tone that he's about to be hit hard).
Me: Cool. Rolling crit dice. *Comes up two 8s*
Rogue: *Looks Over* He got all of that one!
Me: So that would be 35 points of psychic damage.
Sorceror: I'm sorry, did you say Spiteful Claymore??
Ok, now I'm curious as to whether the sorcerer's player was making a pun or actually misheard. Both would be pretty funny.
I'm playing a 7th level bard who isn't use to dealing much damage directly, but I had recently multiclassed into Warlock and picked up a new Wand of Psychic Ravaging.
Me: I cast Spiteful Glamor. *rolls crit* That's a crit, is he damaged yet?
DM: Not yet (with the tone that he's about to be hit hard).
Me: Cool. Rolling crit dice. *Comes up two 8s*
Rogue: *Looks Over* He got all of that one!
Me: So that would be 35 points of psychic damage.
Sorceror: I'm sorry, did you say Spiteful Claymore??
Ok, now I'm curious as to whether the sorcerer's player was making a pun or actually misheard. Both would be pretty funny.
Heh, no he was making a pun since normally with Me it's like "That's a 23 vs. Will for . . . 12 points of damage." :P
First session of a campaign, when all the characters are introducing themselves to each other:
Fighter: I used to fight with a sword, but now I fight with an executioner’s axe. I find it keeps the smaller monsters at bay.
Avenger: I’d imagine it also keeps the bigger monsters at bay as well.
Fighter: No, but it does leave a big impression.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In another game, we began discussing the topic of eating souls (an out-of-game discussion). Though we may never know what a soul tastes like, we did agree that they seem to be addicting (every character in a video game, anime, or movie who eats a soul can never have just one – they always want to have more). The discussion continued and we came to the idea that perhaps souls don’t need to be eaten, but rather just absorbed into a person’s body. The trouble is getting the soul into one’s body, and the mouth just happens to be the easiest way to accomplish this. If these assumptions are true, then it makes for a really great insult:
“After I kill you, I’m gonna take your soul and shove it up my @$$!”
We laughed so much that the discussion ended right there.
First session of a campaign, when all the characters are introducing themselves to each other:
Fighter: I used to fight with a sword, but now I fight with an executioner’s axe. I find it keeps the smaller monsters at bay.
Avenger: I’d imagine it also keeps the bigger monsters at bay as well.
Fighter: No, but it does leave a big impression.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
In another game, we began discussing the topic of eating souls (an out-of-game discussion). Though we may never know what a soul tastes like, we did agree that they seem to be addicting (every character in a video game, anime, or movie who eats a soul can never have just one – they always want to have more). The discussion continued and we came to the idea that perhaps souls don’t need to be eaten, but rather just absorbed into a person’s body. The trouble is getting the soul into one’s body, and the mouth just happens to be the easiest way to accomplish this. If these assumptions are true, then it makes for a really great insult:
“After I kill you, I’m gonna take your soul and shove it up my @$$!”
We laughed so much that the discussion ended right there.
ROFLMFAO - Awesome!
My friend and I are helping a new guy with quests in guildwars. We were doingone where there are large amounts of enemies and trebuchets. My friend and I thought we had killed everything we could with the trebuchets and moved on to hitting things by hand. Apparently we brought them into range of the trebuchet, because the new guy set it off, killing my friend and nearly killing me. We laughed and moved on to the next group, telling him to give us warning next time. The new guy found ANOTHER trebuchet and killed us again.
Friend: "Dude, step AWAY from the trebuchet."
We had been playing with a DM whose campaign was meant to be a one shot adventure but turned into a campaign that lasted at least two months. Needless to say the DM was not prepared with a lot of stuff in the detail department. The plan was we were all sailing on a ship that was attacked in the middle of the ocean and we would have to fight our way to the port we were headed towards. We had created our characters but to speed things up the DM had decided why they were on the ship and where they were headed. After the battle the DM and I had the following exchange.
ME: What's the name of the city we're sailing from?
DM: (looks blankly down at his notes) Nunyo Bizniz.
ME: (laughing) and where are we sailing too?
DM: Your Bizniz.
Later on when we finally got to the port city of Your Bizniz we learned we had to travel up into the mountains to find the BBEG that sent those goons to attack our ship. Hoping to speed up our travel time I found a townsperson.
ME: Excuse me Mr. Random Townsperson.
Random Townsperson: Yes, can I help you?
Me: Possibly. I'm wondering where I might purchase some griffons.
RT: Griffons? In Your Bizniz? Oh believe me, you don't want griffons in your business.
Okay it may not seem funny to you but it had us in hysterics for a solid five minutes. Several people had to leave the table (including me). It still gets a laugh among the players who were there.
Nobody reading this thread will probably get this far but I'll share my story anyway.
I (and I assume many other posters on this thread) am subscribed to this thread and as such I read every new post once it gets posted. Like that it isn't so much of a drag reading page after page of humor.
I am even still going through the best lines forum nr 1 page by page.
and griffons in your bizniz is very funny indeed.
Regretfully I haven't played in a year or more, so I can't contribute. But please keep 'em coming.
"I turn into a giant crab!"
I overheard this from a player in a 3.5 game. I don't know what the situation was but I hope their enemies didn't have any cocktail sauce.
"Let's put it this way - I've never before considered hearing the words "House-rule : No Spandex." And yet now I find myself wondering if I should -say- them..." ~ loser0ll
Why yes, I did suggest spandex and multicolored smoke bombs for the party...
"Euripides does not like the look of these honky cyclopes."
"Euripides uses big words so Euripides can sound smarter."
"Even Euripides is no match for Euripides."
etc. etc.
In our first session, we were attacked outside of a temple to Zeus, and the following dialogue entailed:
DM: The man who sent his goons at you is inside the temple. Brutus, you catch up to him.
(Sidenote, Brutus is a warden)
Brutus: Why did you send your temple guard after us, well knowing we were only here to visit?
EJ: Yeah!
Brutus: And what does my father want with me?
EJ: Yeah!
Me: Euripides, do you always say "yeah" as a confirmation after someone asks an interrigating question?
EJ: Euripides does not need to explain Euripides's actions to any of y'all honkies.
"Even Euripides is no match for Euripides."
That's great. Is the guy who plays this character white?
"Even Euripides is no match for Euripides."
That's great. Is the guy who plays this character white?
Whiter than Wonder Bread.
Me: "No..."
Player: "Is that a Diplomacy check or a Bluff check?"
Player: Um... < rolls a 1 > -Yup, I see spots...
Druid: "I cast baleful polymorph on the dragon"
Other player: "You know dragons have great saves, right?"
DM (rolls a 3): ... Uhhh, apparently not this one!
[sblock baleful polymorph]
For those unfamiliar, baleful polymorph is a 3.5 spell that on a failed save permanently polymorphs any creature into a tiny or smaller harmless creature of your choosing, although it retains its hit points and if it makes its second save (which the dragon did) it retains its mind and most of its abilities like spellcasting, etc. [/sblock]
The dragon-turned-raven failed to get away quick enough... and the druid's crocodile had a nice dinner after a short struggle.
Know what? You can now post in the original thread. Turns out the "You Cannot Post Here" sign went away when the boards changed. And I'm sorry I don't have any funny quotes.
Sounds like an error, something they would've missed during the transfer. I wouldn't trust that we have permission until we get explicit permission. And if that's the case, I want them to merge this thread into that one.
Anyway, I do have something to contribute. It's not a line, but this thread stopped being about particular lines years ago.
Group:
Tyranus: Male Tiefling Warlock (Dark Pact)
Karathis: Male Human Cleric
Aaron: Male Half-Elf Paladin (Lay on Hands Chaladin)
Rogue Swiftfoot: Female Human Rogue (Artful Dodger) Note: I don't remember her first name.
Setup:
-The PCs had entered the city after being out of the continental news loop for 1.5 years. They are drinking in a tavern when a thick warrior comes in, and they start chatting him up, eventually getting in a drinking contest with them. Once beaten, he stabs one with a special dagger and leaves, having summoned conjurations to try and kill the PCs. The PCs wanna kill the thick warrior and try and get their bearings on him, and begin tracking his footsteps to his master.-
So, the PCs pursue the tracks of the thick warrior, "Larry Olsen." From the city to their location, they decide to travel along a river by rowboat to save time and energy, and arrive at a town to try and figure out where "Larry Olsen's" master resides. They approach the first citizen they see and the following ensues.
Aaron: Greetings, sir. Could you tell us who is the authority of the town?
DM: The peasant hesitates before answering, seeing the blood and sweat draped across all of you.
Peasant: Sure. The magistrate Jerull runs the town.
Tyranus: Where does the guy live?
Peasant: Just up the river, the way you came.
PCs share looks of concern.
Aaron: ... how did you know we came by river?
Tyranus: Why do you know what we were doing!?
Peasant:
No! You came from the western gate, and out that way lies the river. I just assumed --!Tyranus: I think you're just assuming a little too much!
Aaron: Yeah!
Weapons are readied.
Peasant:
NO! I told you, the magistrate lives just down river, now --!Tyranus: Before you said he lived up river, now you're saying down river; your story's starting to fall apart...
Don't worry, they left the poor man alone.
Aaron: Greetings, sir. Could you tell us who is the authority of the town?
DM: The peasant hesitates before answering, seeing the blood and sweat draped across all of you.
Peasant: Sure. The magistrate Jerull runs the town.
Tyranus: Where does the guy live?
Peasant: Just up the river, the way you came.
PCs share looks of concern.
Aaron: ... how did you know we came by river?
Tyranus: Why do you know what we were doing!?
Peasant: No! You came from the western gate, and out that way lies the river. I just assumed --!
Tyranus: I think you're just assuming a little too much!
Aaron: Yeah!
Weapons are readied.
Peasant: NO! I told you, the magistrate lives just down river, now --!
Tyranus: Before you said he lived up river, now you're saying down river; your story's starting to fall apart...
Don't worry, they left the poor man alone.
That made me laugh, I liked how they picked up on the change in information from the peasant.
My DM told me about a time he had to improvise a quest after loosing the notes on it. Turns out he is really really bad at winging descriptions.
Dm: You see a large muddy cave, it goes on for a bit, has some columns there too. Than it sorta goes down *does hand motions* erm...ah whats that thing called which is all downwards
Player: A slope?
Dm: *gets excited and points at the player* Yeah one of them!
Boof: So. Grand Master Zho - he good guy?
Barkeep: Yes.
Boof: Okay.
The best part was the barb's facial expressions after that - definitely confused, like he wasn't expecting the barkeep to say yes.
Rogue: "I'm sorry for ruining some random guy's life and turning you into a racist b****."
Warlock: "I'm sorry I didn't kill you. I think you'd have been happier that way."
Upon giving the group the details of the plan me and the Dragonborn Assassin and me (Shader-Kai Swordmage) had come up with to scout beyond a portcullis that we couldn't force open. We were the only ones in the party with teleporting abilities, so we could get past it, but I wouldn't be able to get back until after a rest. Which led to this line, coming from the possibility of a horde of Orcus worshipping kobolds on the other side.
Me: "Worst case scenario: I die."
Sporon (Me): Gnome Illusionist/Rogue. The 'fail' player of the group.
Pyro: Dwarf Fighter. His rolls are obscenely good.
Brain: Human Favoured Soul. The smartest player of the group with the worst luck.
Stevphen: The DM, whose fury knows no bounds.
Familicide is Fun!
Fighting some lizardfolk with a family that would supposedly help us, and, well, this is the result.
Stevphen: Okay Sporon, roll a Will Save.
Sporon: *rolls* X.
Stevphen: *rolls* Yeah you failed, take 8 damage.
Sporon: I'm at half-health! What hit me?
Stevphen: An 'Inflict Minor Wounds'. There's only one other spellcaster you know that could do this.
Sporon: Why are they attacking us?!
Stevphen: Roll a grapple check, too.
Sporon: F. *rolls* x.
Stevphen: *rolls* You're grappled and you take 5 damage as the girl has just bit your neck. Make a Will save.
Sporon: *rolls* Finally! A good number!
Later...
Stevphen: So Sporon, what do you want to do?
Sporon: I want to get this freakin' kid off of me! I'm rolling for a grapple to throw her down the stairs!
Stevphen: Fine. Roll for a grapple and then a STR check.
Sporon: *rolls* x *passes* Woot! A natural 20!
Stevphen: *rolls* Okay, as you throw the girl off of you, she ricochets off the wall, hits her father, who failed his balance check, and are now falling down the stairs.
Sporon: Thank God!
Stevphen: Now roll a grapple check.
Sporon: F***!
After I've lost 5 points of STR and CON damage and am at -3 health...
Stevphen: All right then Brain, your turn.
Brain: I want to use a diplomacy against the girl and ask if she's going to help us.
Girl: My allegiance was to my father and my sister, which you just killed.
Brain: Technically, the gnome did.
Girl: Either way, I wouldn't work with you.
Brain: Fair enough, I poke her with my quarterstaff. *rolls*. Did I beat her?
Stevphen: Yes. She falls down the stairs, too.
Favoured Souls Need to Pick Their Wording Better.
Brain wants to cast Sanctuary on Pyro.
Brain: I'm going to touch Pyro.
Pyro: *covers area*
Pyro and The Skeletal Rats
Pyro had a Skeletal Rat swarm infiltrate his armour, making it difficult for us to help him. Brain had already helped a bit by casting Create Water and Bless Water, killing some of the rats, but not enough.
Part 1: I cast Dancing Lights to try and distract the Rats. Later, when I couldn't do anything, I made the Lights enter the armour.
Sporon: I make the Lights enter Pyro's armour.
Stevphen: Pyro now has a lovely view of the rats as they chew on his body.
Part 2: I thought of an ingenious way to save Pyro!
Sporon: I can cast Shocking Grasp and kill almost all of the rats!
Pyro: You'll hit me too! And I'm covered in water!
Stevphen: Brain, you'll be playing on your own for a bit if they do this.
Part 3: I thought of another ingenious plan!
Sporon: I can cast Color Spray and knock them unconscious!
Stevphen: *reading spell* It only affects things with brains to knock them unconscious.
Sporon: Well then, we're back to the Shocking Grasp theory.
Part 4: The Finale! Pyro had killed all of the rats on his shield, and now had to get them out of his armour.
Pyro: I guess I'll flail around wildly and see if I can get them out.
Stevphen: That's a DEX check.
Pryo: *rolls and head desks* 1.
Stevphen: You fall over and kill every single rat.
Party:
The End of the Dungeon!
After killing the Lizardfolk, we looked around and were told that the walls were gold.
Sporon: I start taking a bit of the gold off of the wall.
Stevphen: Roll Knowledge Religion.
Sporon: *rolls* *failed* *takes a half-pound of gold*
Stevphen: All right, so Brain, you know that something really big in the religious balance has screwed up, and you now have 10 minutes to get out.
We didn't make it. A 3rd Level Illusionist Rogue destroyed a pyramid.
Cast: Otho the dwarven battlerager and Thoradin the dwarven cleric
DM botches his English check while delivering the adventure hook (we play mostly in Swedish)
DM: Your old friend and mentor Douven Stahl, has gone missing, his wife has asked you nicely to try and find him.
Otho: How much gold does "nicely" translate to?
DM: None! He is your dear old friend, so you do it for free
Otho: Fine..I guess
DM: Right, he has been missing for roughly three months, you fear the worst, and also his wife.
Thoradin: Wait, what?...We fear his wife?
Otho: Whats her CHA?...I think I have a hunch why he's gone.
Asking around
DM: You knock on the door to the local temple, an elderly nun opens the door.
*We inquire for the third time today about our missing friend*
Priestess of Avandra: I'm sorry, I know noone by that name or description.
Otho: The old crone knows nothing Thoradin, shall we visit that crooked tower?
Thoradin: *facepalm* certainly, farewell priestess.
Otho: Oh yeah and if you see Stahl, let him know Otho and Thoradin is looking for him, he owes us 35 silver...Oh, and his wife is worried.
Priestess: If I come across him, I will.
Otho: Good...Bye-bye!
*We move on*
Thoradin: Maybe you could try less...Rudeness?
Otho: Thats what you get for letting a 8 CHA, -1 Streetwise dwarf do the talking.
Asking around, take two
*DM shows us a picture of a dangerously S curved tower*
DM: As far as you have gathered asking the locals, the old man who lives here, in the tallest and oldest structure in the village, is some kind of scientist.
Thoradin: Typical shoddy human craftsmanship.
Otho: If he's a scientist maybe he should invent some load bearing walls.
Thoradin: I wonder if the tower will fall if I lean on it.
DM: As I said, it's the oldest structure in the village, you might want to refrain from slamming the doors too hard.
Otho: I can imagine it swaying dangerously in the mild summer breeze.
Wrapping up the session for the evening
DM: Hopefully we can recruit atleast two more players for our next session.
Otho: did you downscale the encounters? It got really hairy there a few times.
DM: No they were both meant for 5 level 1 PC's, you guys did really well despite that though.
Thoradin: I thought that was a lot of kobolds just for the two of us.
Player: A slope?
Dm: *gets excited and points at the player* Yeah one of them!
Hey, be nice, some of us have regular Vocabulary Fails. It once took me three hours to remember "a place where lots of weapons and stuff like that are stored. ... No not a cache, bigger than that. A planned room during construction. Castles and stuff have them."
Players were confused, but we went on with life.
As we were packing up:
AN ARMORY! Players:
Vehicular Combat!
Intro: Some friends of mine and myself have an adventuring company named Little Hearse of Horrors. It is a funeral company (which is convenient because people seem to die/be found dead around adventurers anyway). We all have a black carriage and 4 horses to pull it.
My character is Ulric, human druid, who rides on one of our carriages. Zdravo (dhampyr warden) is inside. In the other carriage, Chali (drow ranger) has the reins. Inside are Brenna (halfling rogue) and Mara (human cleric).
We were riding along with just 2 of our vehicles (because when traveling together that can be more convenient) when far away we saw a convoy of merchant battle with hyena's. In the middle of the road there where 2 carts. On one of them there was a dwarf busy defending himself. Wij rode closer and closer. First I trampled one opponent (and the dwarfs spirit companion, oops). Then Zdravo pulled their leader into the carriage and started feeding on him. Chali rode closer and Brenna stealthed inside the carriage and sneak attacked whatever she could. Mara used her ranged powers to fight from the carriage aswell. I stopped my carriage and shapeshifted to beastform and acted as a flanking buddy for Zdravo. Together we feasted on the enemy. Chali rode his carriage onward to block line of sight for multple ranged attackers to the dwarf. Needless to say we won that one without a problem. Saving the dwarven shaman and his companions.
Too bad I had to clear out all the blood from my carriage.... grumble grumble grumble.
See the spoiler block for pictures. My carriage is the lego carriage. The two large critters in front of a plastic box is Chali's carriage and the paper ones are from the convoy that was ambushed.
Avenger: Bond of Pursuit *rolls dice*
DM: Miss
Avenger: Argh, His AC is so high
Warden: Screw him, I can't hit him. I'm going for those worms. I can hit them!
DM: He has two really high defenses and two low defenses!
Bard: Sticks and won't break his bones, but words can really hurt him! Cutting Words! *natural 20*
A half-orc barbarian liked collecting various junk. Reading his items list:
Half-orc: ...a human tibia, a dwarven skull, a dying halfling, throwing axes...
Halfling player: Wait, what?
Cast:
Menelaos of Ithica (me): Storm Sorcerer with split personality
Euripides Johnston: Human Warlord
DM (naturally)
Scene: In the middle of a battle filled with 10-12 minions, 2 "Cyclopes", and a human (not sure on specifics).
DM: Menelaos, it is your turn.
Menelaos: *twitch*
Euripides: Does Euripides detect a quantity of honky-ass ****-footin'?
Menelaos: I'LL SHOW YA ****-FOOTIN'!!
Me (OOC): I'll use bounding bolt against the furthest minion I can hit.
DM: Alright, roll to see if it hits.
Eur: And you better not miss, motha****a.
*after two minutes of rolling, and wiping the board of the remaining minions and dealing significant damage to the three other enemies*
DM: ...Damn...well, that shortened this encounter.
Eur: Euripides is shocked and amazed that a white boy such as yourself could incapacitate those cracka-ass minions.
Menelaos: Menelaos gives credit to his brotha Euripides for the sweet-ass buffs.
Eur: ...You alright, honkeh.
"Yes, yes, that's all very well, but I'm a diviner. In layman's terms, that means I can see the future. And I can see what your future holds. You choose to fight, and are defeated. We give you a second chance, which you use to attack us, before being defeated again, and killed this time. You are buried in a cemetary approximately three miles southeast from here. Small attendance, by the way. You are forgotten, until a hundred and twenty seven years later, when you are raised as a skeleton to provide manual labour in a textile factory. You serve there for thirty-one years, before being destroyed by an industrial accident. But wait, don't take my word for it, I can show you!"
I then proceed to whip out a mirror, and show him a vision of said future in it, finishing with "this is your future. Would you like to change it?" He's demoralized enough to surrender right away.
....Oh, you were waiting for the twist? My character is a wizard. Just not a diviner. He does not know a single divination spell. In fact, he's an illusionist. The DM, justified or not, dropped my alignment from CN to CE for that little stunt.
Talking a certain villain/end-of-campaign boss into surrendering unconditionally, without a fight, by respoding to the typical villain rant as follows.
"Yes, yes, that's all very well, but I'm a diviner. In layman's terms, that means I can see the future. And I can see what your future holds. You choose to fight, and are defeated. We give you a second chance, which you use to attack us, before being defeated again, and killed this time. You are buried in a cemetary approximately three miles southeast from here. Small attendance, by the way. You are forgotten, until a hundred and twenty seven years later, when you are raised as a skeleton to provide manual labour in a textile factory. You serve there for thirty-one years, before being destroyed by an industrial accident. But wait, don't take my word for it, I can show you!"
I then proceed to whip out a mirror, and show him a vision of said future in it, finishing with "this is your future. Would you like to change it?" He's demoralized enough to surrender right away.
....Oh, you were waiting for the twist? My character is a wizard. Just not a diviner. He does not know a single divination spell. In fact, he's an illusionist. The DM, justified or not, dropped my alignment from CN to CE for that little stunt.
But that wasn't an evil act, technically.
It was an act so full of AWESOME that it is outside our puny morality.
Seriously, awesome.
Honestly, I fail to see how using a lie like that to save his life and bring him to a fair trial etc. is evil. The DM's explanation is that whatever the reason, Lying Is Bad, and that was a particularly vicious one. Oh well. Not about to argue.
There's another story involving the ending to a game I ran a while ago.
The PCs, for one, have no memory. Except the abilities that comprise their skills/feats/classes. They also get new abilities once in a while, seemingly at random. They go between various odd adventures and so on with seemingly no relation to eachother, transported from one to the other constantly, in a vaguely surreal fashion that leaves them unsure whether they were teleported, or just remember almost nothing of the travels in between.
Once in a while, they see... oddities. Like themselves, or pieces of scenery flickering. Things passing through solid objects briefly, or changing colour. NPCs repeating a sentence a few times before continuing. They also have occasional dreams of wandering around a large, old-looking steel building/complex.
Eventually, they figure out the big reveal. The strange adventures they've been going through are elaborate illusions, and the "dreams" are their brief glimpses of reality in between illusions. So they manage to break out, and explore the complex, discovering the sole inhabitant: The closest thing that D&D has to an AI, more or less. It's actually quite friendly and chatty. It's also the one that trapped them in the illusion.
They ask it to stop. And by "ask", I mean they threatened and ordered it, being the nice and patient people they are. It just asks them questions along the lines of "Are you sure? No, are you really sure?" They are, naturally.
The AI's closing words are "Okay, if you insist... I'm going to miss you, though." The illusions disappear. Including the PCs.
Wait, what?
The AI was abandoned inside what used to be a research facility. Once it was abandoned, so was the computer running it. So it took to amusing itself with illusions. Magic being what it is, some of it eventually became sentient. Hence the PCs.
All in all, one of the stranger games I've run/endings I've had. About half of the group liked it, two hated it, and basically everyone was completely shocked.
All in all, one of the stranger games I've run/endings I've had. About half of the group liked it, two hated it, and basically everyone was completely shocked.
I may steal it.
Whythankyougoodsir.
The PCs, for one, have no memory. Except the abilities that comprise their skills/feats/classes. They also get new abilities once in a while, seemingly at random.
I did something similar a while back. I handed the players pre-made characters only the sheets were blank save for their name. The story was they had amnesia from something, and had to figure out who they were and who did this to them. As they adventured they discovered things about themselves. This led to the following quote.
PC: I punch the guy. I rolled a 15.
DM: Ok that is a hit roll a d8.
PC: A d8? Ohhh, I am a Monk!
see spoiler for game from which this is a reference
Show
Portal
Portal
Talking a certain villain/end-of-campaign boss into surrendering unconditionally, without a fight, by respoding to the typical villain rant as follows.
"Yes, yes, that's all very well, but I'm a diviner. In layman's terms, that means I can see the future. And I can see what your future holds. You choose to fight, and are defeated. We give you a second chance, which you use to attack us, before being defeated again, and killed this time. You are buried in a cemetary approximately three miles southeast from here. Small attendance, by the way. You are forgotten, until a hundred and twenty seven years later, when you are raised as a skeleton to provide manual labour in a textile factory. You serve there for thirty-one years, before being destroyed by an industrial accident. But wait, don't take my word for it, I can show you!"
I then proceed to whip out a mirror, and show him a vision of said future in it, finishing with "this is your future. Would you like to change it?" He's demoralized enough to surrender right away.
....Oh, you were waiting for the twist? My character is a wizard. Just not a diviner. He does not know a single divination spell. In fact, he's an illusionist. The DM, justified or not, dropped my alignment from CN to CE for that little stunt.
That. Is. AMAZING! You should not have gone to CE for that. If anything, Chaotic Awesome, just like Raz the Rogue-Mage. All hail Raz!
Now I am curious: was there ever a mention of cake??
see spoiler for game from which this is a referenceShow
Portal
"Okay, if you insist... I'm going to miss you, though." [/SBLOCK]
That's kind of awesome. Kudos.
"Oh my... looks like they burned down your building there. What a shame. All the same, now is our opportunity to get the rest of the folks out of here. Archers, stay with me, and if any of those fiends pokes the merest ruffle of cloth from out of cover, send a volley of arrows to greet it."
Warden: "Okay guys, apologize."
Rogue: "I'm sorry for ruining some random guy's life and turning you into a racist b****."
Warlock: "I'm sorry I didn't kill you. I think you'd have been happier that way."
DM: Menelaos, it is your turn.
Menelaos: *twitch*
Euripides: Does Euripides detect a quantity of honky-ass ****-footin'?
Menelaos: I'LL SHOW YA ****-FOOTIN'!!
Me (OOC): I'll use bounding bolt against the furthest minion I can hit.
DM: Alright, roll to see if it hits.
Eur: And you better not miss, motha****a.
*after two minutes of rolling, and wiping the board of the remaining minions and dealing significant damage to the three other enemies*
DM: ...Damn...well, that shortened this encounter.
Eur: Euripides is shocked and amazed that a white boy such as yourself could incapacitate those cracka-ass minions.
Menelaos: Menelaos gives credit to his brotha Euripides for the sweet-ass buffs.
Eur: ...You alright, honkeh.
I love it!
A PC explaining to another PC about a certain gang they might face in the city:
“Let’s just say that if you get on the wrong side of these people, you are going to find yourself taking a swim in the moat with cobblestones in your shoes.”
In another session:
So the PCs were fighting some dire rats, when one of the PCs starts to refer to the rats as gerbils. After a few laughs, the rest of the group begins to call all the rats gerbils, making a rather one-sided fight full of laughs. Towards the end of the fight, the following conversation happened:
PC1: Did you know that people eat gerbils in South America?
PC2: Really? In that case we should turn these gerbils into trail rations!
*next round, PC2 uses a power to push a “gerbil” into a fire pit*
PC2: Meat’s back on the menu, boys!
PC1: I guess you were serious about eating them. How long until the gerbil is ready to eat?
DM: You see the gerbil turn over in it’s grave… rotisserie style.
I don't have the players miniatures, so they pick ones out of the monsters I am not using. Most of them pick normal minis today, a drow, elf, draconian, humanoid things. The warden chooses a lizard, which looks like a veliciraptor.
We start fighting, the warden goes to behind one of the enemies to flank him.
Invoker: Bite him in the butt!
Warden: I'm not actually a veliciraptor!
Later in the same battle the warden uses Form of the Panther
Invoker: NOW will you bite him in the butt?!
Maybe you had to be there, but we laughed
Group:
Karathis: Male Human Cleric
Ayron Prett: Male Revenant Paladin|Sorcerer
Lavinia Swiftfoot: Female Human Rogue (Artful Dodger)
Note: Tyranus was missing in action. Both the player and his character.
Setup:
The PCs pursued where they ended last week, which was mentally locked away in a mental asylum after walking into a trap set by Jerull, the magistrate of Sendul (refer to previous post to connect the dots). The PCs wasted no time in attempting to escape as soon as they woke up, and after they did find a way out (which involved Ayron getting unplugged Matrix-style and resurrecting as a Revenant), they fought the guy that stabbed Lavinia, although his master escaped using the Succor ritual, along with Ayron's original body.
The PCs eventually painstakingly killed the guy, and it was Lavinia who was fortunate enough to get the killing blow (she elected to stab in the eye rather than in the throat). Anyway, the PCs were told by a guard that came in after the fight that they would be arrested for murder, and the PCs intimidated him, quickly ransacked the place, and ran. As they were about to walk by the gate guards, the two of them were shot in the head with what was clearly not Lavinia's pistol but more like one of the war rifles. Out of hiding come two dozen trained gunmen with giant rifles leveled and a sniper stands from afar while still aiming. A man comes out from amongst them with a pistol levelled and begins to request parlay. Now, I was tired and I wasn't prepared for this far in the session, so...
NPC: If you would please be escorted, we will negotiate in a more suitable location.
Ayron: Uh... okay...
Karathis: Can you give us wagons to sleep in on the way?
Lavinia: Yeah, we need to rest.
NPC: [remember, I was tired and improvising] Well, if you can walk standing up, then by all means.
Pause as I stutter and attempt to amend my phrase.
Ayron: ... well, while that is a challenge, I think we can manage.
I was trying to say "Well, if you can walk whilst sleeping, then by all means" and "Well, if you can sleep standing up, then by all means." Confuzzled brain screwed up that hybrid sentence.
Scenario, big bad evil guy had captured and killed a little girl that was previously in our care, our Paladin used a the Raise Dead ritual to bring her back to life.
Paladin(PC): Welcome Back
Molly (NPC): Oh it was so beautiful, I was in the presence of Pelor! I now what I have to do in life, become a priestess of pelor!
Rogue(me): (OOC) Alright! we got a cleric!
DM: (OOC, sarcastic) ... yeah alright... lets just write this down here... human female, age 8, hit points: 5... but dont worry, she's got full plate...
Rogue(me): (OOC) fine... we'll just drop her off at a nearby temple...
Invoker: Bite him in the butt!
Warden: I'm not actually a veliciraptor!
There's a really bad B-movie called Mosquito, where an alien ship crashes in a swamp and the mosquitos get mutated by feeding on the alien's corpses, basically becoming six-foot-long giant dire mosquitos. In one scene, two campers have just finished having sex, and of course the guy gets killed as soon as he leaves the tent. As the woman's lying face-down on the sleeping bag naked, one of the mosquitos sticks it's head into the tent and begins to run it's proboscis up her leg, before stabbing her... yup, you guessed it. In the butt. And thus the origin of the immortal line, "Bite her in the *ss! Bite her in the *ss!", between me an my brother.
In the decade since I saw that movie, on at least three separate occasions in different campaigns, the PCs have been camped out in a caravan rest area when they hear screams and see a naked female npc go running past with a Dire Stirge or Giant Mosquito attached to her butt.
This is the line that was uttered upon a great revelation in our 2nd ed campaign. We were attempting to outpace an army of skeleton warriors called forth by an undead paladin with a doom horn. We needed to warn a city of the impending danger. We spent a good 30 minutes figuring out the best way to make the journey. We balanced our endurance skills carefully with running and resting and got the 1-week march down to a mere 3 days. We were very happy with ourselves and entirely confident that we could make it to the city first.
When we arrived, the city was in flames. Together, as a group, we realized our oversight.
"Yeah, I do." "Damnit, a 3"
"Hey, I don't have Arcana, but I have Bluff, can I use Bluff."
"Well yes, but since there's no one to Bluff, it won't really help"
"But I can make the rest of the party THINK I know it!"
"If I jump off the cliff with him, can I Bluff gravity?"
In a crucial combat:
"Do you remember earlier when I put the Hydra in the Bag of Holding?"
"No."
"Really? Why?"
"Because it didn't HAPPEN. You never DID it."
"Look, I'm rolling a bluff check. I just got an 18"
Elisha (OOC): Knowledge what to determine what the heck the left portal is. *rolls*
DM (OOC): Plains
Elisha (OOC): Ok, 32.
DM (OOC): Plane of Shadows.
Elisha: Great, That's the plane of shadows *points left* and that's the plain of Negative Energy *points right* And I'm guessing the crystals hold them open.
(long combat with a wight hag, I end up grappleing it and just keeping it from doing anything after we destroy the Neg energy Crystal and shut the portal)
Elowyr: I cast magic missle into the Black Crystal!
DM: Ok, roll it.
Elowyr: *rolls 4, 2, 3* 12 Damage.
Me (OOC): Did...Did he just cast Magic Missle into the Darkness?!
Everyone: .... *hand on forehead before a begrudging nod*
Me (OOC): Where's the...
DM: SHADDUP!
Elisha (OOC): Roll to see...
DM: NO!
But yeah...We actually got to cast Magic Missle into the Darkness.
Director (NPC): Hello, good sirs.
Me: Greetings, sir. Is there any way I can be of assistance?
Director (NPC): Not me, but our champion here seeks a challenge. Perhaps you would like to give it a try?
Me: Sure, why not?.
My Lawful Good Paladin enters the arena and greets his opponent.
Me (OOC): How tough is the other guy?
DM (OOC): Well, he's quite tough for a normal person, but he shouldn't be too hard for you.
Me (OOC): Okay. I rolled a 15 on Initiative. That gives me 21.
DM: The champion makes no attempt to communicate before charging at you. He has 19 against AC.
Me: I manage to dodge his attack in the last second.
DM: Okay, he stops right next to you.
Me: Great. I use 'Strike of Truly Unquestionable Accuracy' (AKA Paladin's Judgment) against him, swinging my +1 fullblade vertically towards him. *rolls* And it's a crit.
DM (OOC): You made a crit? With Paladin's Judgment?(Paladin's Judgment usually doesn't hit due to a cursed die) (In Character) You chop his torso in half, causing his insides to fall to the ground.
Me (OOC): Didn't you say nobody dies in Guild Battles? (From an earlier battle in a Guild)
DM (OOC): Yes, I did. But I didn't count in the possibility of a coup de grace. And would you please get that Warlock away from the dead guy? Looks like he's trying to drain his blood. (IC) The Director alerts the guards and the city watch surrounds the building.
Me: Oops... Well, it sure is a good thing there's a temple nearby that can heal him.
DM: Actually, the damage is a lot more severe than they can heal it.
Me: Crap.
Another battle much later, against a group of bandits (at this point, I had INT 8 but CHA 16):
Me: Give us back that bag you stole.
Leader: Why?
Me (OOC): I try making a Diplomacy check against them.
DM (OOC): Go ahead.
Me: 20 (total 34)! You wouldn't want to keep that bag. It contains a very dangerous thing that can go off any second now and I am the only one who can prevent it from killing everyone.
Leader: What is that moron talking about?
Warlock: Give it to us or I'll kill you all.
Me: If you don't want the danger-thing to go off, give it to me.
DM (OOC): Did your character just convince himself that there's a non-existent weapon in the bag?
Me (OOC): Uh-huh.
DM: All of the bandits gang up on the Paladin.
Even later, after having reached the top of a tower and having to go back down:
Me (Still only having INT 8): I jump off the edge.
DM: You what?
Me: Jump off the edge.
The rest go down using a magic portal.
Warlock: I cast Iron Spike of Dis underneath him.
Me (OOC): Oh, you wouldn't.
Warlock: Watch me.
DM: The spike itself kills you and the fall makes a double-coup de grace. In short: You're dead.
Me: Hey, Cleric. Heal me, please.
Setup: we need to bring somebody back to the city from his encampment. We infiltrated and got the option to parlay with the leader of the camp (who was the guy we needed). We convinced him to go back without a fight but some of his followers didn't want to go with us and attack us.
DM: The soldier (the strongest of the remaining bad guys) has critted his initiative and attacks the cleric with a charge.
On my turn I walk up to the soldier and Sequestering strike him, crit, teleport him to the corner, action point, other encounter power, miss, elven inaccuracy, crit again!
DM: The soldier who attacked first disappears from the center of the room. By the time the rest of the goons see him again, his body is splattered all over the corner of the room. All other goons put up their hands and shout "we surrender, don't hurt us! please!"
elven inaccuracy
Last night we were climbing a mountain. It was a long climb, but not actually Skill Challenge difficulty, so we were using overland speed to see how long it took.
When we realized the Dragonborn Warlord was going to slow us down (by about 2 hours) he boldly declared that he would remove his armor, boosting his speed to 6.
Also, he had no pants.
Shenanigans ensued. Apparently we still laugh at Potty Humor.
"I cast Prestidigitation on Mr-No-Pants to make a Censored Bar."
During the climb, we find a cave
"Finally, darkness! I dispel the Censor" (Wizard is a Shadar-Ki, darkness isn't so bad for him)
"I light a Sunrod and throw it in the cave"
"CENSORED!"
Monsters attack, and toss the light in an alcove, returning the room to darkness.
"Foul Beasts! I'll fight in the nude!"
"Crap! I can't see a thing, but I'm afraid to cast Light! I'll need a Censor bar!"
...
"Hey, I just noticed something! Prestidigitation says you can 'turn a small handheld object invisible..."
(that got us for quite a while)
"Perception check. I look for more monsters underwater"
(note: Warlord was in the water. Still nude. Also, character was female.)
When we took a short rest, the Druid made a loincloth for the Warlord, so we could finally stop making middle-school jokes. Apparently we weren't done yet. At this point, the jokes have probably reached the dumb-running-joke stage. They may never go away...
"Wait wait wait. That loincloth was made from a Shadow Bat."
"So?"
"So his [points] nether regions are in contact with... the nether regions!! [flails about]"
(several facepalms)
We once had a big fight and each player got 2 minions he or she could control during his or her own turn. There were three types. Elf artillary with "elven inaccuracy", halfling lurkers with "hit me baby one more time" and human soldier like guys (with a bit higher defenses).
I took an artillery and a soldier and it was a really cool fight for all of us. Since then I always call the elven racial ability elven INaccuracy.
funny if you don't mind religion being made funny
person 1: You know, I had a friend claim that Jesus was the first zombie. He rose from the dead and all, you know. But then I thought about it, and realized that he brought the dead back to life, so really, he wasn't the first zombie. He just made the first zombie.
person 2: So you're telling me that Jesus was the first necomancer-turned-lich?
person 1: Yep.
person 1: You know, I had a friend claim that Jesus was the first zombie. He rose from the dead and all, you know. But then I thought about it, and realized that he brought the dead back to life, so really, he wasn't the first zombie. He just made the first zombie.
person 2: So you're telling me that Jesus was the first necomancer-turned-lich?
person 1: Yep.
Psychic: So how do you fare against mental attacks? Like if you're mind controlled by a wizard?
Warforged: I punch them.
Psychic: But...they're mind controling you!
Warforged: So I punch them harder!
Later on, he got a feat called Brain Dead, making him too stupid to be mind controlled. But he quickly became a party favorite for the fact that he was a deadly tank of destruction incapable of using his own fists half the time.
Okay, I'll kick off with one of the most naive things ever said in any of my games and reported in another thread: "Maybe it's a friendly lich!"
OMG LOL!
Factatum: *rolls 5*
Rogue: *Rolls nat 1*
Ranger: I'll search too *rolls nat 1*
Dm: You can't search for the traps!
Ranger: Thats why I rolled nat 1.
Now, we have him tied down because he's pretty much suspected of betraying the party and causing us a lot of trouble. He also refuses to say anything to anyone, so we're kinda stuck not knowing what is going on.
Elowyr: Oh! She put some magic writing on your hand? Lemme see what it says!
Me: Oh S... *runs for cover* (I had a 15 wisdom. I could argue that I had the foresight to realize this was a BAD idea because ALL magical writing up to this point has exploded!)
DM: The words on his hand twist and contort before they erupt into an explosion blowing off your arm and dealing X damage to both of you.
BBEG PC Lackey: *Screaming and writing in pain, cursing at Elowyr*
Elowyr: Hey! You're talking to us again!
Party is searching for the traps (3.5)
Factatum: *rolls 5*
Rogue: *Rolls nat 1*
Ranger: I'll search too *rolls nat 1*
Dm: You can't search for the traps!
Ranger: Thats why I rolled nat 1.
Not quite the place for this I know, but in 3.5 (Don't know about other editions, only played 3.5) a natural 1 on a skill check is not an auto fail anyway. (Just as a natural 20 isn't an auto success.).. Sorry to say anything here, but couldn't help myself. (pg. 63 in the PhB if you want to look it up.)
I have also roleplayed failing miserably because I rolled a natural 1 on a skill check. I was jumping across 2 squares of water in a swamp. From the check I made I would have been able to jump 1 square but thumbling and falling in the water (in the open jaws of a crocodile I hadn't seen, who had readied on somebody making a jump over him) was great fun to roleplay. Especially since I almost drowned as a result of that croc.
... And sadly I'm to braindead to remember any quotes right now. Two 13 hour sessions two days in a row fried my brain. >.<
Ofcourse, and sometimes it really would make more sense for a natural 1 to mean auto-fail. Anyway I might have read the post I quoted the wrong way, thats always possible.
... And sadly I'm to braindead to remember any quotes right now. Two 13 hour sessions two days in a row fried my brain. >.<
Its just that the DC was above 20 so only the factotum(me BTW) and the rogue who could roll to find it whith the trapfinding class feature. In 3.5 only classes with trapfinding can search for traps that have CR 20 or above.
Ofcourse, and sometimes it really would make more sense for a natural 1 to mean auto-fail. Anyway I might have read the post I quoted the wrong way, thats always possible.
... And sadly I'm to braindead to remember any quotes right now. Two 13 hour sessions two days in a row fried my brain. >.<
Its just that the DC was above 20 so only the factotum(me BTW) and the rogue who could roll to find it whith the trapfinding class feature. In 3.5 only classes with trapfinding can search for traps that have CR 20 or above.
Ahh my bad then, sorry. ^^;
He was playing at the beginning of the game, where you have to go into the Lizardman swamp.
He sees his first Lizardman.
"Holy ****, lizard men are bipedal?"
He sees several huts.
"There are people here?" "No, they're lizard man houses." "Lizardmen build houses!?"
He sees Lizardmen shaman type things. "Holy ****, Lizardmen have religion?"
Eventually he got to the end and a bunch of lizard men are standing around, talking. "Holy ****, lizardmen can TALK?"
Evidently his mental image of Lizardmen was not what I had expected it would have been.
DM: So... the purple dragon managed to dominate you?
Me: More or less. If it has 30 or more against my Will, then yes.
DM: 35. So you're dominated. Next up is... the dominated Paladin.
Me: Dang.
DM: You make a Holy Strike against the Cleric.
Me: (To the Cleric) You're dead. You're sooo dead.
DM: 20. Plus whatever your to-hit is.
Me: Yay! Natural 20. That's... 12+4d12+20 damage. Plus another 5 if he was marked.
DM: He is (another, smaller enemy had marked him before the purple dragon dominated me). So that's 37 plus... 9 plus... 12 plus... 11 plus... 12. Ouch. That's 81 damage. The Cleric had 80 HP, so it's a double Coup de Grace.
Me: Yay! Coup de Grace and Natural 20 on the same turn.
DM: He was the only one who could revive you.
Me: Oh... Oops.
DM: Your alignment drops to Neutral(Unaligned).
Me: Damn. And I had just gotten used to being (L)Awful Good (Yes, that L is supposed to be in parenthesis).
DM: You know what they say: "Sucks to be you. Sucks to be you."
Me: I don't suppose 'sorry' cuts it?
DM: No.
Me: ... ... ... Damn.
Also, your DM actually forced you to change alignment for something he forced your character to do?
Also, your DM actually forced you to change alignment for something he forced your character to do?
Some DM's will go with perceived alignment as well, and beheading your friendly healer in one swift blow will damage that...significantly...
Here's a couple I remember
PC: "Are we really going to follow the nearly naked idiot's stick?"
*crickets* DM: You want to rephrase that?
ME: How close is the dragon?
DM: Guesstimating on your part, about 30 seconds away. What ya gonna do?
ME: I make a run for the sword. And keep screaming for help.
DM: You sure?
ME: Go big or go home.
DM: Did you really just flip off a dragon, after stealing from its hoarde?
ME: Yeah...why not?
Npc: Why should we keep them around they are just going to turn on us.
Another character: But we havent and you still need us.
Npc: i say kill them and be done with it.
Me: Oh if i turn im so going to enjoy eating your brains.
Of course, they were all supposed to die at that point, like good little horror victims.
It had the decency to explain itself, at least. The monster, I mean. Gave a long list of accomplishments, generalized boasting, and mentioned that its power is basically an aura. Impossible things happen near it, and frequently. Hence the bizzare wrongness in the otherwise fairly normal village. At this point, Speech occurred from the resident astronomer.
"So you say you're a god. Greater than a god, even. No mortal could stand up to you, a great deal of immortals probably couldn't, and reality is just the cosmos's little joke for you to toy with as you see fit. And us... well, we're normal, no two ways about it. Wrong people in the wrong place. Sure, we've managed to shake off most of what happened and stay no less sane than we started off... but since we're standing here rather than running, maybe you made more of a difference than I gave you credit for. Still, we're not the right ones for this. We can't stop your master plan. We had trouble stopping a pair of wolves. What are we to you? Not irritants, that would suggest that we at least slowed you down. Insects? Maybe. Maybe less.
Basically, we never stood a chance. And right now, armed as we are with whatever we could scrounge from the remains of our homes..."
At this point, he turns to the monster, stares at it for a good few seconds, and grins.
"Well, I'd say that's about impossible, wouldn't you agree? Now, chances are, I don't have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about. Chances are, we're all going to die. This would be a perfect time to leave and throw me to the dogs, and chances are, all the distance in the world won't save any of you from this thing. You've done a lot of things, you know. Destroyed my past, my present and, I'm guessing, any chance this world might have of a future. Killed most of the people I know and forced me to stick with the rest for survival. And then you just had to use my observatory for the summoning. It's ruined now, you know. I can't let you get away with that.
The stars are right? I remember you saying something like that, but I beg to differ. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
But I know you're a busy little reality-killer, so I'll keep it short for you. This? What you see down there? This is my world. You are not welcome in my world. You might look at me, armed with a knife and nothing else, and think 'who is this deluded human?' And you know, I'm not really sure, but I guess we're both about to find out."
The DM bought my line of shaky logic. Victory ensued, more or less in the D&D equivalent of a cutscene. I am now no longer allowed to speech at things.
Dude... Your DM has no idea what a Coup de Grace is, unless you guys are playing with some particularly vicious houserules. First off, you have to declare that you're going to use one or else it's just a regular attack. Second, you can only Coup de Grace a helpless enemy, and the rule are VERY specific about what constitutes 'helpless'. Third... there's no such thing as a double Coup de Grace. Unless the cleric was unconscious (and since he had 80 HP and I'm fairly sure Deep Dragons can't cast Sleep...), all you would have done was drop him to -1, which means all you had to do was force a potion down his throat and he'd be fine.
Also, your DM actually forced you to change alignment for something he forced your character to do?
First off, it was our first game ever, and we still weren't sure how Coup de Grace works.
Secondly, 4.0E Player's Handbook P288 says, that a Coup de Grace can be done by either attacking a helpless enemy or dealing damage greater than a target's bloodied value. Therefore, 80 would be a Coup de Grace against a Cleric with 81 HP.
Thirdly, yes, he had me change alignment due to a houserule. Alignments are how others perceive you, not how you perceive yourself. Thus, a Lawful Good character will drop to unaligned or evil if he kills someone, especially an ally.
Lastly, it was pretty late that night, and none of us could think clearly any longer.
But other than that, yes, we sometimes have some pretty nasty houserules. They just usually give us an advantage over the enemies (plus some houseruled items every now and then help a bit, such as a Statue of Asmodeus to give the Warlock an extra curse per turn)... Other times, they turn on us.
As for 'nasty' houserules? They inevitably cost the party in the long term. Each time you kill a monster, you've gained almost nothing, as monsters are there to die anyway. Each time a PC dies, you've lost, and lost big.
First, a little background. The campaign is D&D. Level 3. 3.5 edition, and no one has NPC class levels. I was playing an astronomer (level 3 Expert). The campaign was a bit CoC-esque. Basically, starts off as a slightly weird mystery/detective-y game, ends with the entire village floating in the Far Realms, with the party facing off against today's eldritch horror.
Of course, they were all supposed to die at that point, like good little horror victims.
It had the decency to explain itself, at least. The monster, I mean. Gave a long list of accomplishments, generalized boasting, and mentioned that its power is basically an aura. Impossible things happen near it, and frequently. Hence the bizzare wrongness in the otherwise fairly normal village. At this point, Speech occurred from the resident astronomer.
"So you say you're a god. Greater than a god, even. No mortal could stand up to you, a great deal of immortals probably couldn't, and reality is just the cosmos's little joke for you to toy with as you see fit. And us... well, we're normal, no two ways about it. Wrong people in the wrong place. Sure, we've managed to shake off most of what happened and stay no less sane than we started off... but since we're standing here rather than running, maybe you made more of a difference than I gave you credit for. Still, we're not the right ones for this. We can't stop your master plan. We had trouble stopping a pair of wolves. What are we to you? Not irritants, that would suggest that we at least slowed you down. Insects? Maybe. Maybe less.
Basically, we never stood a chance. And right now, armed as we are with whatever we could scrounge from the remains of our homes..."
At this point, he turns to the monster, stares at it for a good few seconds, and grins.
"Well, I'd say that's about impossible, wouldn't you agree? Now, chances are, I don't have the slightest idea of what I'm talking about. Chances are, we're all going to die. This would be a perfect time to leave and throw me to the dogs, and chances are, all the distance in the world won't save any of you from this thing. You've done a lot of things, you know. Destroyed my past, my present and, I'm guessing, any chance this world might have of a future. Killed most of the people I know and forced me to stick with the rest for survival. And then you just had to use my observatory for the summoning. It's ruined now, you know. I can't let you get away with that.
The stars are right? I remember you saying something like that, but I beg to differ. And believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
But I know you're a busy little reality-killer, so I'll keep it short for you. This? What you see down there? This is my world. You are not welcome in my world. You might look at me, armed with a knife and nothing else, and think 'who is this deluded human?' And you know, I'm not really sure, but I guess we're both about to find out."
The DM bought my line of shaky logic. Victory ensued, more or less in the D&D equivalent of a cutscene. I am now no longer allowed to speech at things.
That is awesome.
Guard: There's a Leiutenant Obvious here to see you, sir.
Captian: Okay send him in.
Party Fighter: Actually, I've been promoted. It's Captain Obvious now.
During an adventure, the fighter is trying to lift a portcullis with little success.
Fighter: I could use a hand here!
Ranger: *throws a severed hand at Fighter*
We have some random OOC conversations...
Ranger's Player: You know, if you think about it in D&D terms, Scientology makes sense. Except replace aliens with wizards.
And now, some quotes from the adventures of Peradal Demin, Paladin of the Confederacy of Shanae. No, literally, he is a paladin of the confederacy. He's a homebrew class I made called a "Paladin of Patriotism."
*Peradal enters a pawnshop*
Shopkeep: Mornin', sir. Whatcha need?
Peradal: Information. Do you know about anyone in the neighborhood who sells alchemist's fire in bulk?
Shopkeep: No... no, I don't know anything about that...
Peradal OOC: Why am I inclined to doubt this? I cast "Detect Communism."
DM: The shopkeeper is glowing dimly; apparently he just doesn't like authority figures. However, a stack of books on the shelves is glowing very brightly.
Peradal OOC: I go to check the books.
DM: You see several brand-new copies of "The Communist Manifesto."
Peradal: Aha! Interesting read, "Comrade" Shopkeep?
Shopkeep: Well, I, Err... Someone was in here the other day, selling old books, so I bought a few...
Peradal: OLD books? I don't believe you, sir. *OOC* I cast McArthy's Trial!
This one sounds like something out of a D&D/Paranoia crossover. I've always wanted to play one of those.
Quick setting:
Dwarf Fighter gets tied off by the cleric/rogue and jumps through a magical mirror. Spots a huge set of doors on the other side with a sizable pair of dragon-headed door handles.
Dwarf comes back to share his findings. "Yeah, nothing over there except a big ole pair of dragon knockers."
Human Cleric- "You came back why?"
We had a 2 part combat (one on an airship, then that started crashing, we jumped with slowfall potions and had to continu fighting on the ground). Being lawfull stupid I used my lay on hands on my allies because they were bloodied and I didn't want them to die (and we were pretty much out of healing).
Eventually I had one Lay on Hands left, a bloodied ally was next to me and I was blinded by a caster 10 squares away. The caster stood a couple of feet behind some bushes, next to a tree (and we were in a swamp so nothing weird there).
Me: *thinking*
DM: what are you going to do
Me: Give me a moment, I have to think what my character would do and be sure about it.
Me: Ok, Helga (the bloodied cleric next to me) take my last lay on hands. I know where I last saw the caster and I am going to move + charge (blindly, literally) that spot.
DM: ok, while running you see that the bush is full of sharp thorns, like knives.
Me: I am blind remember?
DM: oops, ok. you run through the bushes and you (rolls dice), feel nothing.
I finish my blind charge and then it is the casters turn.
DM: the caster shifts away from you and casts his spell (rolls dice), # vs fort.
Me: hit
DM: # dmg and you are pushed back into the bushes.
Me: that spelldmg downs me
DM: then the bush hits you for max dmg, 3d10+5
Me: then I am dead.
Helga: so you charge blindly to protect us all only to be killed by a shrub?
Here's another one from the inner circles of hell (AKA our group):
Setting: Our team had just had the cleric killed and were on our way back to town to have him revived at the local temple. Once we got there, the priest told us about the "risks" there were to reviving people (he wasn't the most skilled priest).
Me: Hello there, Father (not implying that they were related in any way)
Priest: Good afternoon, good sir. Have you come to pay your respects to the gods?
Me: I have to admit that is not the reason I am here. Our Cleric has just fallen in battle, so I would like to ask you if you can bring him back to life.
Priest: Of course, son. Although there is a risk when raising the dead.
Me: And what is the risk, Father?
Priest: When raising the fallen, there is a 50% chance it works, 25% chance it fails and 25% chance of somewhere in between.
Me: Please elaborate. What does 'somewhere in between' mean?
Priest: I cannot say.
We went on to putting our faithful (in more than one sense of the word) ally's peace at risk.
DM: You choose to carry on?
Us: Yeah.
DM: Okay. Just don't say you weren't warned.
Me: Just get on with it.
DM: Fine (Rolls behind screen). The priest begins the revival of your fallen comrade, and sheds a bright light over his calm body. The cleric stands up once again-
Cleric's player: Yay.
DM: -and his skin begins to drop off and darkness engulfs him. He's reborn as a lich.
Cleric's player: Crap.
Me: Let's put him out of his misery.
Rest of team: Okay.
A long battle later:
Priest: Do you want me to try again?
Me: NO!
Seaman's check goes well, he has assessed the situation. He must now communicate it to his helper. Mediocre roll. Helper rolls to understand the orders correctly, fails miserably.
"Port! PORT! That's the OTHER SIDE, landlubber!" yells the skilled seaman, as the yacht sails straight into a large naval vessel at the dock. The noise alerts sailors and marines, who come running to see what's going on, looking down from their ship's side.
The unflappable trickster of the group has been following the situation with some amusement. Just after the crash, he leaps to his feet, and raises his small, but well shaped, fist to the burly marines.
"Can't you bloody sail a bloody ship?!"
That was a very old one. Not sure if I did it justice. I have a session tonight, will report if anything noteworthy happens.
We were onboard a ship, when we were attacked by pirates. The pirates came aboard our ship and killed the entire crew except us, threw us in a life boat and sank our ship. Five years later, we decided that we wanted revenge against the pirates yet we had done nothing to train (thus still only being level 2). We found ourselves another ship, which we decided to rent, and set out in hopes of finding the pirates. All of this was basically something the DM ordered us to do (giving us players no say in the matter). We got out to sea and were attacked by the pirates again. This time when they boarded our ship, our warlord said "They won't have our ship. Do whatever is necessary to prevent them from claiming the ship." We did as he said and poured all of the flammable liquids onboard the ship all over the ship, after which we set it on fire.
In the aftermath of the destruction of a perfectly usable ship, our Warlord said "Well, this wasn't what I meant", to which one of us replied "We just did as you ordered."
Result: We learned that stores use the "You break it, you buy it" rule.
Entered a dragon's lair and made a proposal.
Me: "In exchange for you not eating me, I can make your hoard larger in almost no time. All it takes is that you let me near your gold, and I'll give you a hundred times the amount."
I was led into the dragon's hoard, and saw all the gold.
Me: "I will need my allies in order to give you a hundred times the amount you already have."
The dragon dispatched a few minions a to get my allies.
Me: "I need you to help me here."
An ally: "Are you sure this is such a good idea?"
Dragon: "Are you going to increase the size of my hoard or shall I eat you?" (Only in draconic)
Me: "Just help me out here."
DM: "What are you going to do?"
Anyone who has looked through the rituals should know what I was planning at this time.
Me: "I'll increase the size of its hoard."
DM: "But you used all your money in the town. You don't have anything it could possibly want... wait a minute, are you sure about this?"
Me: "My Arcana is 18. I can roll up to 46 in total, even if they don't help. 52 with their help. I just need them to be on the safe side."
DM: "The dragon will be pissed once it figures out that it's been fooled."
Me: "We'll be long gone by then."
DM "Sure. Go ahead."
Me: "Help me out here. (I roll) 14. That brings me to 32. (Allies roll assist checks. Two succeed) 36. Okay, and then I use Memories of a thousand lifetimes to increase my roll, and thanks to a nice feat (Don't remember which) it's automatically 4 or higher. So it's 40, which means the size of the dragon's hoard is increased to a hundred times the size for the next 24 hours."
Dragon: "I see. I am most grateful for the gold. Now, begone before I eat you."
An Ally: "We should get going."
Me: "Yeah. We're kinda on a deadline here."
An Ally: "Yeah, and no thanks to you."
We got out and started running back to the town and lend some horses to get far away, quickly. Next day, the dragon saw that it's gold disappeared. And damn it got pissed off.
Next time we saw the dragon (some time later):
An Aly: "Told you."
And what can we learn from this? Don't mess with a dragon, unless you want it to mess with you.
For those who hadn't figured it out, the ritual used was 'Fool's Gold'.
DM: "The young woman puts on a long cloak and ample hood, and steps out into the frigid rain to go about her mission."
Me: "Oh, jeez. This is gonna end badly-!!! Oh god, this is the opening of Ripper, isn't it!?"
The DM is descriing the aforementioned krenshar, and then gets to its face in scary mode. Once he's done, a player asks.
"So it's kind of a reversed baboon?"
I roleplay Uluru, my Genasi earthsoul TacLord like a drill sergeant. Harsh, commanding, loud.
My Commander's Strike sounds like: Hit him here, Private!
My Knight's Move is something like: Move over there, faster, faster!
Normally, when I use my Inspiring Word, I say Expecto Healum!, but this week I found new lines:
Wounds! Dya hear me? I demand you to close!
It's only a flesh wound! Get up!
The parties warlock had been knocked unconcious. The druid, in beast form, moves to assist and the following exchange occurs:
Druid: Do I need to be in human form to assist the Warlock?
DM: No, I don't think you do. You can slap his face equally well in either form.
Warlock: Watch those claws!
Druid: Oh, relax, I only claw enemies. Still in cat form, I move over to the Warlock and lick his face.
Warlock: Wait.. You WHAT?! ICK!
Druid: (makes wet slurping/licking noises)
Warlock: UGH!
Ranger: Does he take 1d4 rough tongue damage?
Player: I use magic to create an appropriate costume and then appear amidst the lich and his minions in a burst of smoke.
I am the Terror that flaps in the night.
I am the librarian collecting the fee on your books 200 years overdue.*
I am Darkwing Gnome!
Lich: (distracted). Yes, yes. Very good. Would you get over there with all the other minions?
We were cracking up for a while, not sure which was funnier: the Darkwing Duck reference, or the fact that the DM thought our gnome wizard was disguising himself as a cultist going by the name Darkwing Gnome.
* And as a couple bits of explanation:
- our gnome had a tendency to use windup duck grenades. In fact, all of his attacks were flavored as using windup ducks as a material component.
- Our college's rival school is where the lich hailed from. That college broke off from ours about 200 years ago and took half our library with them. For people who got that reference, it was so much funnier.
Druscilla, a succubus, had just escaped from Hell and stumbled upon a group of adventurers. The phoenix in our party had died, killing herself and all party members but a half-fiend named Sarah. Because the phoenix had come back as a child, her power allowed the party members who died to come back as children as well. So, Sarah and Druscilla have 3 babies to take care of for several days until they grow into adults again. Operation baby poop had commenced.
Sarah, having escaped from hell herself with no knowledge of the outside world, said, "This is horrible! How will we ever clean this?"
Druscilla, who had a limited knowledge of the human world, replied, "I have soap!"
The Party:
Green Arrow (Me) (Ranger)
Captain America (Fighter)
Hulk (Barbarian)
Green Lantern (Ardent)
Storm (Sorcerer)
Wonder Woman (Monk)
We eventually are captured by the BBEG, where he starts monologuing.
Me: *interrupts* That's good and all, but can you get to the point?
BBEG: How DARE you interrupt me! Who do you think you are? Superman?
*For clarity sake, none of the superheroes know who each other are*
Me: ...Sure?
BBEG: ...
Party: ...
Me: ...What?
this was all agenst the advice of our dm. His exact words where " you want to do what , sigh "
Elim Varr - Drow Psion
Peridot Stoneshaper - Warforged Warlord
Rizaxel Hunvirr - Drow Monk
Matron Valla Hunvirr - Drow Paladin
The Setup
I play Elim, a Drow Psion in the campaign my friend is running. It's a Drow campaign that is a lot more involved than the general 4E hack and slash dungeon crawl. Part of this involvement was actually dealing with Drow house politics. In our campaign session, our Matron, Valla, had just dealt with an assassination attempt in her own house. The matron's sister (an NPC cleric) decided that this was a sign of weakness and confronted the matron about it, demanding that she step down gracefully. When Valla refused, the sister called her bodyguards in and ordered them to dispose of our matron.
Thankfully, the rest of us were just down the hall and when the fight broke out, we rolled high on initiative. While Rizaxel and Peridot charged in and started beating the snot out of the sister's bodyguards and Valla dealt with the cleric, I stood in the doorway and blasted any enemies in sight with force hammer and mind thrust. Eventually, we dropped the bodyguards and the cleric decided it was time to get out.
DM: Okay, the Cleric makes a beeline for the door, running right past Elim.
Elim: That provokes an opportunity attack, right?
DM: That's correct. Roll a melee basic attack.
Peridot : (sarcastically) Because you're definitely going to take her down with your spiked gauntlet and 10 strength.
Elim: Watch me. *rolls d20* That's a 22 vs. AC.
Peridot: *Facepalms* You've got to be kidding me.
DM: Okay… that hits. Roll damage.
Elim: *rolls max damage on a d6*
DM: Are you serious?
Elim : Yeah, why?
DM: You clock her across the face, breaking her jaw. She crumples into a bloody heap on the floor.
Valla: Wait, did our PSION just PUNCH OUT a priestess of Lloth?
"When the Paladin of Hoar starts laughing like a madman. It's time to run." More often then not, bad things happen.
For one, guards arriving at a briefly unoccupied (the priest was out doing something or the other, apparently) orc shrine/temple thing. Knowing how to speak Orc helped here.
Basically, realized someone is coming, waited for them, complete with suitably regal-looking attire (somewhere between clothing and armour, really) and a slight glowy aura. Oh, and an eyepatch, quite aside from obviously switching to a more orc-ish look. Understandably, they ask who my character is. The exchange went something like this.
"I live here. This temple would be pointless if it were not for me." "But you're not the priest, are you?" "Not exactly. I don't enjoy being forced to spell out my identity for anyone, but I'm feeling generous. You have two minutes to realise who I am."
And that's how I got mistaken for Gruumsh at level 3. As a non-orc.
Oh, and another time, facing death threats from someone entirely different. A few mercs, apparently, hired by whoever the party's offended (it's not entirely clear yet). This is pretty much why the character's clothing conceals them completely by default. No one sees anything till I decide on a look for that particular occasion.
"Oh, I'm sorry, you were trying to kill me? Well, I do so hate to break it to you, but I have some terrible news for you.
Cue looking up with a skull face and a massive, heatless black fireball appearing over one bony hand.
"But you're a few centuries too late."
Naturally, they assume this bard is some sort of lich and run. Crisis averted. The heatless black fireball, by the way, was provided by means of Prestidigitation. Unfortunately, my DM now... strongly discourages me from playing illusionists, enchanters or anyone with high charisma/points in charisma skills. Apparently it's disruptive. I really should stop, he's not the first DM to say that >_>
I just entered a room, with 3 skeletons waiting for me.
Me(Rogue):I throw a stone to the skeleton.
DM: You hit. Hes down.
Me: But i want to roll the damage.
DM: HE´S DOWN.
....
Me: They should drink more milk, osteoporosis must be a pain in the ass.
Fighting a Vampire:
DM: Im the great Barthus, do you think you cant beat me Fools, i´m one of the most powerful death bringers ever, you cannot defeat me...
Of course, try to imagine him flanked by 5 PC, prone, with 2 beasts in his back and a bard boot on his head.
So, my bard. Since last time, I've acquired a couple potions and the Diehard feat (I do like taking that feat whenever possible). There was also a necklace of fireballs, which the party agreed to split. One bead each. Now level 3, by the way.
Anyway, a midboss of sorts comes along. Not the main villain, mind, but still reasonably important to the story. Stock nihilistic wizard type. The feat comes in when he lightning bolts me (6d6 damage on a level 3 bard, it's a miracle I survived with a failed save), and then does... something. Whatever it is that keeps people immobile until you start attacking them. He then starts his rant/reassurance. People are insignificant, and life goes on without them. No one's loss matters much, since in the grand scheme of things, they won't be missed. In short, don't take anything seriously - life is a game.
I use this opportunity to go invisible while the whole place is full of smoke and debris anyway. I then step up to him and toss the fireball bead into his mouth as he speaks before reappearing.
Now that I'm visible, I just smile and nod, answering "oh, you're quite right. Life is a game. But you know, I always was rather fond of cheating."
Step 2: Take cover. Victory is had. And they say my bard isn't meant for combat.
Constitution 18: however many points in point buy and a racial bonus. Natural 20: 1 in 20 odds. Having your half-elf outdrink a tavern full of dwarves? Priceless.
DM: The lich drops to the floor, and his clothing flattens; you have defeated him.
Group: *general high fives and whooping*
DM: In the far corner of the room, you see a large chest.
Monk: !! (races to chest and flings it open)
DM: Inside, you find a single pair of leather boots.
Monk: LEATHER! I CAN WEAR THESE!!
Rest of us: ~groan~
Mage: Detect magic on the boots.
DM: Roll it.
Mage: *aces the roll*
DM: You discover the boot are indeed magic and are able to identify them as Boot of Blinding Speed
Monk: (drooling) "At last! Faster than lightning in both hands and feet!"
Rest of us: ~groan~
Druid: That might be nice....
Monk: Oh come on, my soles are all but worn thin!
Druid: (sighing) Ok. You can have them.
Monk: YES! (pulls off his boots and slips the new ones on)
DM: As soon as you put them on, two things happen....
Monk: (ooc) Oh yeah, baby... lay it ON ME!
DM: First, you're lightning fast; your movement speed is doubled.
Monk: (ooc) YES!
DM: Second, you're blind.
Monk: ....
Rest of us: Ooooooh.
Warrior: (to mage) Did you know this?
Mage: *cough*
DM: The boots are cursed; if you attempt to remove them, you will die.
Monk: (ooc) WTF?
DM: (relentlessly) You *might* be able to have the curse lifted if you can figure out who set it or what spell was used.
Monk: (to Mage) You can help me, right?
Mage: Sure... soon as we make it to a town with a library.
Monk: But... we're months away from any such place!
Mage: (ooc) Sucks to be you. (ic) I know.
Outcome: The poor guy couldn't do much for about three weeks of play. When the boots were finally decursed and he could take them off, he sold them to a merchant; even though the DM assured him they could be worn without blindness (they also lost their speed, but were still decent boots). Oddly enough, thereafter, he insisted that every magical item be tested before he'd use them.... and his interest in all magical loot seemed to drop precipitously. (grin)
Setup: We have just freed Lady Saharel, the omnicscient ghost, from the clutches of an evil Shadar-kai. We are all allowed to ask the Lady one question. Rote steps up.
Rote: (with a look of child like awe on his face) Are you the lady we're looking for?
Lady Saharel: (looks at him expectantly for a moment and then slowly) Yes.
Rote: Oh wait...that was my question wasn't it? *palm to forehead*
Setup: A young shop girl is obviously smitten with him and flirts with him wildly, while remaining shy and demure. He is nervous and giddy at the same time. He takes her with us to attend a banquet in our honor since we recently defeated some badies. The banquet is interrupted by an attack from some mercenaries. The shop girl snatches Rote's throwing spear from his belt and attacks him with it. She's with them. He ends up chopping her in half. with his gigantic axe. Later in the day another shop girl starts getting fresh with him.
Starra: My aren't you rugged and handsome.
Rote: (in an informative, matter of fact tone) The last girl that hit on me got cut in half.
Setup: Dealing with some guards who are keeping our horses, but intimidated enough to let us have them without fight.
Guard: But....but what will I tell the other guards?
Rote: I dunno. (Smashes him in the face and knocks him cold)
Half-orc barbarian: Wait, what's the signal.
Minotaur assassin: You'll know it when you hear it.
*Minotaur assassin assumes shade form and charges through the wall, making use of a feat that grants phasing during a goring charge while in shade form*
Baddies inside: *censored!* A minotaur just ran through the wall!
Half-orc barbarian: Sounds like the signal.
DM: You feel a pulling effect on you and your vision goes black. You feel yourself smacked into a wall or cliff of some kind. You look around. You see that you are hanging from a cliff... Here we stop until after the summer vacation.
A true cliffhanger indeed!
Later, the apprentice betrayed us.
Apprentice: You forgot your only rule.
Rogue: You mean the only rule I taught you. Here's number 2: Don't share your secrets too readily. *attacks the apprentice* And number 3: If you do get caught, leave no witnesses.
Rogue: (to a young apprentice) You can get pretty far in this business with just one simple rule: don't get caught.
Later, the apprentice betrayed us.
Apprentice: You forgot your only rule.
Rogue: You mean the only rule I taught you. Here's number 2: Don't share your secrets too readily. *attacks the apprentice* And number 3: If you do get caught, leave no witnesses.
You reminded me of a futurama quote " You where a Good student , but I was a Bad teacher "
Chaos Sorcerer: You selling Bravadatol?
Dealer: And who are you...?
Me (Shielding Swordmage): *Glares*
CS: We're looking to score - what's, like, an obscene amount? - 55 kilos.
D: Oh, you must be the big buyers we're looking for?
CS: *Rolls Bluff, gets a 28* Yes, we are. This is my bodyguard.
SS: *Rolls Intimidate, gets a 32*
D: Well then, meet me in an hour at - Uh - Seagull Street.
Later, we picked up the 55 kilos of the illegal drug and walked out onto the street, the CS selling a kilo to some random junkie for 4 silver so I could keep a promise.
Everywhere we went: "Excuse me, would you like to buy some Bravadatol?"
The best came at the end of the session, when Sergeant Featherby, head of the city watch, came up to congratulate us.
My reply to his praise? "Would you like to buy some Bravadatol?"
Setup: Some baddies are extorting a guy. The next payment must be made at his wifes grave at the graveyard and we are there to stop the baddies.
The bad guys come with a horse drawn carriage and grab the loot after which we ambush them. After a few hits the warforged warlord Healbot uses leaf on the wind to get me out of an empty grave I got pushed into and a bad guy in there. The bad guy dies on that hit.
Healbot: Now that is an efficient burial!
Then we wound up in a high speed chase with our horse drawn carriage following theirs. We kept shooting their driver and their horses but they almost got away. Until I used sequestering strike to teleport one of the horses out of its rigging, in front of the other horse. Because said horse went down with that strike their carriage crashed killing all still on it and injuring me badly (because I was too close for comfort).
Rest of the party: Nice going but there is nobody left alive to interrogate....
Me: "facepalm"
DM: "Same amount as in our own."
P2: "So that means 6 billion?"
DM: "More or less."
P1: "I say we hire them all and have them stand in a circle and pass a 3.5E Gnome Monk at level 20 around."
DM: "How heavy is the Gnome?"
P1: "In this case, 80lbs. That's almost 40 kilograms."
DM: "Okay..."
P1: "They each have 3 minor actions, where they drop the monk and pick it up again (drop as free, pick up as minor)."
DM: (mildly insecure) "Okay..."
P1: "They pass it around three times each."
DM: "Okay......"
P1: "It all happens in 6 seconds."
DM: "That means 2 seconds per round."
P1: "Please calculate the velocity of said Gnome, P2."
P2: "It's............... *really high number*."
P1: "Now calculate how much Kinetic Energy the Gnome stores."
P2: "... 405 billion TeraJoule. Why?"
P1: "Now divide this by the energy a Nuclear Warhead contains."
P2: "Why?"
P1: "Because you have the calculator."
P2: "Okay... That's 16.2 billion times the amount of energy in a Nuclear Warhead."
P1: (Short break) "Where's the closest village?"
DM: "Note to self: Remove peasants from the world."
We found the last part quite funny. But then, we're not really normal people.
P1: "How many peasants are there in this world?"
DM: "Same amount as in our own."
P2: "So that means 6 billion?"
DM: "More or less."
P1: "I say we hire them all and have them stand in a circle and pass a 3.5E Gnome Monk at level 20 around."
DM: "How heavy is the Gnome?"
P1: "In this case, 80lbs. That's almost 40 kilograms."
DM: "Okay..."
P1: "They each have 3 minor actions, where they drop the monk and pick it up again (drop as free, pick up as minor)."
DM: (mildly insecure) "Okay..."
P1: "They pass it around three times each."
DM: "Okay......"
P1: "It all happens in 6 seconds."
DM: "That means 2 seconds per round."
P1: "Please calculate the velocity of said Gnome, P2."
P2: "It's............... *really high number*."
P1: "Now calculate how much Kinetic Energy the Gnome stores."
P2: "... 405 billion TeraJoule. Why?"
P1: "Now divide this by the energy a Nuclear Warhead contains."
P2: "Why?"
P1: "Because you have the calculator."
P2: "Okay... That's 16.2 billion times the amount of energy in a Nuclear Warhead."
P1: (Short break) "Where's the closest village?"
DM: "Note to self: Remove peasants from the world."
We found the last part quite funny. But then, we're not really normal people.
The Peasant Railgun. Classic.
P1: "How many peasants are there in this world?"
DM: "Same amount as in our own."
P2: "So that means 6 billion?"
DM: "More or less."
P1: "I say we hire them all and have them stand in a circle and pass a 3.5E Gnome Monk at level 20 around."
DM: "How heavy is the Gnome?"
P1: "In this case, 80lbs. That's almost 40 kilograms."
DM: "Okay..."
P1: "They each have 3 minor actions, where they drop the monk and pick it up again (drop as free, pick up as minor)."
DM: (mildly insecure) "Okay..."
P1: "They pass it around three times each."
DM: "Okay......"
P1: "It all happens in 6 seconds."
DM: "That means 2 seconds per round."
P1: "Please calculate the velocity of said Gnome, P2."
P2: "It's............... *really high number*."
P1: "Now calculate how much Kinetic Energy the Gnome stores."
P2: "... 405 billion TeraJoule. Why?"
P1: "Now divide this by the energy a Nuclear Warhead contains."
P2: "Why?"
P1: "Because you have the calculator."
P2: "Okay... That's 16.2 billion times the amount of energy in a Nuclear Warhead."
P1: (Short break) "Where's the closest village?"
DM: "Note to self: Remove peasants from the world."
We found the last part quite funny. But then, we're not really normal people.
The Peasant Railgun. Classic.
A shame that our DM probably won't allow it. It would be a sure-fire way to find an entrance into any building.
Once of the players in the group takes "trophies" from any monsters he kills and stores them in his bag of holding (let it slide a little here)
They decide to NEGOTIATE with the big, bad dragon at the end of the cave, and they are trying to INTIMIDATE it... when the player decides to show off his trophy collection...
Player: "I open the bag to show him my trophies"
Me: "Weren't there 2 white dragon heads in there?"
Player: "Umm... Oops"
Needless to say... every attack the dragon made included said player as a target
same group - later that session...
We have a female player, and a male player both playing female characters, all the others are male players/characters.
The characters have just returned from their "Trial by Fire" so to speak to allow them to become part of the Northern Tribe... the leader of the tribe throws a HUGE banquet and party to celebrate their acceptance to the tribe.
The players are all rolling to see if they can not wake up alone the next morning so to speak...
Most of them choose to wake up with barbarian women - but the 2 female characters are a little different... the female player decides to go after the tribe leader (and succeeds) and the male player playing the female character rolls really low.and asks:
Player: "So, I rolled really low, who do I wake up with?"
Me (DM): "You wake up..."
Player 2: (interrupting) "She wakes up STICKY!"
has been unofficially named as the best quote of the campaign
After we had a hell of a battle with a hydra at the edge of a cliff, the dwarf dropped it with an axe to its last, remaining head. Then this happens:
Player: I grab its head and stare into its eyes right as it's dying, and shout, "You know we have a saying back at Firehold: home follows the honorable. And in Firehold, dwarf tosses YOU!!" I then drag and throw the hydra like a sack of meat off the edge of the cliff.
It doesn't read that funny, but most of the laughs were due to how he said it!
Cast:
Me, an Elf Avenger of Kord, the only party member who speaks Elven.
Muzukashi, a Changeling Assassin.
Sin Bladecurse or Curseblade (don't remember which), a Changeling Assassin.
Vallo, a Tiefling Warlock.
DM, my brother and a jerk.
Situation:
We had just encountered an injured Adult Green Dragon, and went up to it. The dragon let out a loud roar, as if trying to get us to back off, but its Intimidate check failed.
Me: I go up to the dragon.
DM: Okay, you're now standing adjacent to it.
Me(OOC): I make a Heal check to see if I can heal the dragon.
Sin: Why?
Me: DM, all dragons have even a small bit of honor. If I was to heal it, and thus let it live on, I am pretty sure I will pay us back once in the future.
DM: Make the roll.
Me: *rolls* 30.
DM: The dragon's wounds are healed and the dragon begins talking in Common. "Thank you. I shall owe you one favor, should you ever need it, but only once."
Me: "Cool. I just endebted a f***ing dragon. That's how awesome I am."
Immediately afterwards:
DM: You notice that the dragon's blood is seeping into the ground, only a few moments before you suddenly appear in another place. Creatures with a strong connection to the Feywild can sense where you are.
Me: "Guys. We're in the Feywild."
DM: You also notice a group of humanoids standing around you with longswords pointed at you.
Me: I make a nature check to see if I can identify those creatures.
DM: Roll it.
Me: *rolls* 35.
DM: You suddenly know everything about those creatures. They are Eladrin... [followed by a long description of the Eladrin]
Me: Okay... so why are they surrounding us?
DM: They start talking in Elven. "Who are you and why are you trespassing on the Winter King's ground?"
Me: (To the other PCs) "They ask who we are and why we're here."
Sin: Tell them the truth.
Me: (To the Eladrin): "They want me to tell you the truth."
Sin: I draw my fullblade.
Muzukashi: Me too.
Me: (To the Eladrin): "We are a bunch of crazy lunatics who burn down rich, selfish bastards' houses for no reason other than our own rather miniscule profit."
Sin: I say we kill them.
Vallo: I create a small fireball in my hands. Let's kill them.
Me: (To the Eladrin, pointing at Sin): "He wants to kill you."
Vallo: Can I throw an Eldritch Blast at the closest Eladrin?
Me: (To the Eladrin, pointing at Vallo): "He wants to know if he can throw a fireball at one of you."
DM: Do you want to, you know... restart this conversation or something?
It was only then I realized they talked to the DM, rather than telling me what to say to the Eladrin. The situation sure got awkward...
Some small ones from some of our sessions before we got to the Feywild:
DM: You come to the small town of Winterhaven.
Me: Are there any guards?
DM: Yes, there's the Militia.
Me: I go over to the nearest guard.
DM: Okay.
Me: I kick him in the groin.
Me: How the hell can you sneak around with a sword that's longer than you're tall?
(Back in the beginning of the campaign, before the DM killed off my first and second characters)
Me: I flip over the table.
DM: Okay, you cause it to fall on another patron, who seems to be spying on Sin and Muzukashi.
Me: I move on top of the table and drop prone. (Back then, I was playing a Warforged Fighter with Plate Armor proficiency. The Warforged alone weighed 400 lbs (although the PHB2 says average tops at 300lbs) and was wearing a heavy Plate Armor as well as a holding a Heavy Shield in my off-hand. Imagine being squashed by 470 lbs in addition to whatever the table weighed (probably also a lot, as it required a high Strength to tip it over))...
DM: You walk up to Lord Kamroth. "What can I help you with?" the butler asks.
Sin: "We wish to speak with Lord Kamroth."
DM: The butler calls for Lord Kamroth and the Lord asks you to step inside.
Sin: "We are here regarding the peasants that have disappeared. It seems to have begun after you started requiring that they pay back their loans."
DM: "I have no idea what you are talking about. Those two are completely unrelated."
Vallo: I try to intimidate him. *rolls* 29.
DM: Lord Kamroth throws you out of his house.
Sin: I teleport back inside and make myself invisible and then plunder the house. Then I teleport back out.
DM: Okay...
Vallo: As soon as he comes out, I scorch the Building with all of my Fire-based Daily Spells.
DM: And his house burns down.
Me: "Guess I shouldn't piss you guys off..."
(When I was playing a Deva Wizard (second Character in this campaign. Starting from level 4 to 9))
DM: In the room, you see several floating Skulls that are engulfed in flames.
Me: Okay. Since they are burning, I suppose they must be resistant to fire. How big are they?
DM: How big is your head?
Me: Good enough. I move towards one of them and cast Prestidigitation on the Flaming Skull-thingie.
DM: Why?
Me: To remove the fire.
DM: You... remove the fire... from a creature whose only resistance comes from said magical flames?
Me: Yeah. I can use the spell that way.
(Later on, I poked an enemy in the eyes with Mage Hand.)
Our battle cry: "Go kill." Short, yet somehow it says enough for everyone in the game world to know whose it is.
Monk: Oh look cows!
Later after the first minotaur was dead:
Minotaur: You killed my brother!
Monk: Your brother was a woman. I'd milk him if i had the time.
Later in that battle 1 minotaur left plus 2 tieflings. The monk decides to open the door to the next room. Inside there are three dragonborn.
Entire group at monk: YOU IDIOT!
Me: ... really?
Monk: Yes.
Group: Can we kill him? (normally i have a rule against player killing)
Me: I'll give you a bonus to the attack roll.
"a circular area 10 miles across, bounded by a giant wall. Slightly positive-energy dominant, strongly ooze-dominant."
The DM read this description, about 5 seconds later one player said "wait a minute...we're in a petri dish aren't we?"
Needless to say that provided us with quite a bit of fun fighting off giant amobas and climing the huge microscope that was observing us the whole time.
Me (eladrin swordmage): *Pulls out a sheet pf parchment and begins writing* Alright, sign here please.
Drug Lord: What's this?
Me: Your confession. Sign this and prove to us that you're responsible for all of this, and we'll let you go.
DL: Oh, alright. I can go free?
Me: Of course.
Chaos Sorcerer (out-of-character): She's not really going free, is she?
Me (OOC): Yes she is, but I never said for how long.
Me (to DL): Thank you very much, you're free to go. *Nods at sorcerer*
CS: Chaos Bolt! *Rolls a critical hit*
DM: ...Uh, her head EXPLODES.
Me: Awesome!
The party was fighting some wemics (lion centaurs, for those who don't know) at the edge of a cliff. Finally only the wemic shaman was left and it dropepd its weapons and started begging us to spare him.
The fighter steps up to the wemic and growls, "A few minutes ago you were taunting us about how powerful you and your people were, then you attacked us. Have you ever heard the saying 'Pride goeth before the fall?'"
Then he kicked the wemic over the cliff edge.
Back in 2E days of yore ...
The party was fighting some wemics (lion centaurs, for those who don't know) at the edge of a cliff. Finally only the wemic shaman was left and it dropepd its weapons and started begging us to spare him.
The fighter steps up to the wemic and growls, "A few minutes ago you were taunting us about how powerful you and your people were, then you attacked us. Have you ever heard the saying 'Pride goeth before the fall?'"
Then he kicked the wemic over the cliff edge.
Heheh... Pride... lions... the group died before he fell... classic!
Friend: Screw that. I just want to do damage this time. I'll try a warlock. They're strikers.
*Proceeds to make a vestige-pact warlock, with a lot of powers that heal, grant saving throws, and the like.
Friend: Damn it, I made a cleric!
H-orc: Is that a new dress?
elf:its a tunic!
H-orc: teeewwnic? Is that elf for "man dress?"
Roryc (warforged Invoker, DM companion)
Aravin (eladrin wizard, fussy and philandering)
Braeden Heavythorne (halfling warlord/sorcerer who refers to himself in the third person when he's feeling particularly awesome - and he's always more awesome than you)
#1
Roryc: "You do complain quite a bit."
Aravin: "Well, not enough stuff goes my way."
#2
Braeden (ooc): "I look at the block. What is he carving?"
Aravin (ooc): "A smaller block."
After using a full discipline move power to fly on top of a 20' wall, miss the guy I attacked, then next round use crane's wing to jump off the wall on the other side and 15' out, rolling high enough acrobatics to negate all falling damage, land on my feet, miss with my attack, miss iwth my reroll, miss with my action point ...
The party warlord points at my female elf monk mini and says, "I know why you can't hit. You're a miss."
DM: Peren, you're up.
Me: I pick up a plant and stuff it in my mouth.
DM: What?
Me: It's an alternate Perception Check. I try to taste one of the plants to see whether it's poisonous or useful.
DM: And your Perception is...
Me: Passive 30.
DM: Okay, you stuff the plant in your mouth. You can't taste anything.
Me: I chew on it.
DM: Okay, you suddenly feel very sick to your stomach. You fall to the ground (knocked Prone) and you take ongoing 10 poison damage.
Me: Isn't that only applicable in encounters?
DM: You also alerted the nearby monsters.
Me: Well... damn.
If there's one thing I've learnt, it is that you should never go beyond looking and listening when making Perception Checks.
Gnome: "So, honey, wanna go somewhere and get...acquainted?" *coy smile*
Me: *Shrugs* "Grow two or three feet, and we'll talk."
Gnome: "Oh, I can climb, baby."
Me:
"Well, uh, what's your type?"Gnome: "Oh, I like a man who's...mysterious."
Me: "Then you should meet my assassin friend. He wears a mask and moves through the shadows."
Gnome: "Oh?
How romantic!"Assassin: "Stealth check!"
Shaman: "Perception check to point him out!" *rolls* "He's over there!"
Assassin:
Everybody else:
When we were about to leave the Feywild, our rather Psychotic Evil Infernal Warlock decided, the moment we stepped through the portal back to our own world, to make a very risky skill check.
Vallo: I want to set the Feywild on fire.
DM: You what?
Vallo: I set it on fire. We agree that most of it is covered in forest, right?
DM: Yeah, so? It's a fricking plane.
Vallo: And that's going to stop me how?
DM: Fine, you can try. What's your Arcana?
Vallo: 20 (or so).
DM: The DC to set it on fire is an Impossible DC:
Me: And as we all know, Impossible DC just means DC 99.
DM: Still, he has to roll a 79 on his d20.
Me: A Natural 20 is an Automatic Success, regardless of the circumstances.
DM: Fine... roll it. But if you roll a Natural 1, you spontaneously implode.
Vallo: *rolls* 8.
DM: The guards notice your attempt and start running towards you. Do you want to try again?
Vallo: *Shakes head* No...
Aside from that, I like the idea of tossing a match behind you as you step through the planar portal :-)
Having just hit level 5, I decide to test out my newest daily - Bigby's Icy Grasp. Thanks to some wonderful rolls, the scary boss cleric guy spends almost all of the combat getting grabbed and then escaping.
DM: Right, controller. Congratulations, you've rendered the scariest thing on this battlefield completely useless!
Me:
Later, after the rest of the enemies have been cleared out, the cleric finally gets close enough to me to get off a spell.
DM: 16 against your Fortitude.
Me: Crap... hits.
DM: Hah! You're slowed!
Me:
Okay...The rest of the party moves in and flanks the cleric, beating him to near death
My turn: Minor to sustain the hand, I move it next to the cleric and try to grab him again
*rolls* ...and miss. *sigh*
DM: Don't forget to save against the slowed effect
Me: Oh, right, thanks
*rolls* ...fail.
DM: HAH! You're UNCONSCIOUS!!
Party:
Dragonborn fighter attacks, crits, kills the cleric
DM: At least I got rid of that
hand!Later on:
DM: You find a small amulet, it appears to be enchanted and is giving off a transmutation aura.
Me: I put it on, what do I notice of its effects?
DM: You find that your skin takes on a more hardened state, having a more scaled feel (amulet of nat armor +1)
Group decides that Riptide, our melee, to have it scince he's more needing the AC
DM get s me to roll some D100s
DM: As you pass the amulet to Riptide it turns to water in your grasp
Me: 8|... I~'m not allowed to touch stuff anymore am I?
Group: No...
Also more fun from the Chaos Stone.
DM makes me roll D100s
DM: Alright, Viccrys (me) boots turn to bats
Group:....
Me: Meant to do that
*rolls bluff* wins
Me: And if I don't get more respect around here I'll do it to yours too!
CB: but I don't wear boots
DM: okay, (to me) you get a scroll of water breathing.
ME: ...this is a joke right?
N.B. A natural 20 isn't an automatic sucess in skill checks, only in combat.
Aside from that, I like the idea of tossing a match behind you as you step through the planar portal :-)
Well, the part with Natural 20 being an automatic success in Skill Checks is just a houserule, while a natural 1 means we fail the Check no matter how highour result may be.
Furthermore, I probably should have mentioned that the lunatic who tried to torch the Feywild is an Infernal Warlock with excessive pyromanic tendencies. He doesn't need matches to fry stuff...
From our very latest Session (yesterday, actually):
We had just entered an old mansion, which belonged to the king a few hundred years ago.
A few rounds after entering the house:
Me: I make a Perception Check to see if I can hear anything noisier than my allies, smell anything more putrid than them or see anything more hideous than them.
DM: Roll it.
Me: *rolls* 36
DM: You smell and see the dust.
Me: Well, at least whatever you send us against will be pretty in comparison.
Later, when I stood near a table (not that it matters, but still...) a vampire spontaneously appeared in the middle of the main hall, along with an army of minions (a few somewhat annoying creatures and some minions). I got attacked by 4 of the lesser enemies myself (surprise, surprise. My DM is out to kill my characters) and my turn came up (yes, I'm the only one who actually did anything exceptional that session).
Me: I use Oath of Enmity against the blue thing (we use small tokens from another game called Runebound to show where the enemies are).
DM: Okay. *writes 'oath' on his whiteboard*
Me: I use Abjure Undead against the blue thing.
DM: Roll it.
Me: 8. That is 26 against it's Will.
DM: Hit.
Me: Okay... I choose to ignore my second attack roll to deal 2d6 extra damage. It's the first round of combat, so I deal 2d4 extra damage. I deal 1d6 extra damage from my gloves and 3d8 extra from my sword.
DM: What?
Me: *rolls and spends minutes calculating the damage* 99 damage.
DM: 99 Damage?
Me: Plus an extra 6 Radiant and Necrotic damage. And all of that other damage was also Radiant.
DM: So... 110 damage. And it is bloodied. Really bloodied.
Needless to say, that was inarguably my second-most deadly attack that session (the next one was even deadlier, since it was a crit, dealing more than 110 damage against an undead-thing).
Pilot: (shout)Can you make some light beneath us, we can't be more than 100ft up now, check the ground and see if you like what you see.
Wizard: (shout)What if I don't like what I see?
Pilot: (shout) you put out the light.
the next session I introduced my new character, a wizard.
DM: you step through the door. make a reflex save.
ME: ...3... (my reflex bonus was +2)
DM: you fall into the pit trap taking 14 damage.
ME (OOC):
(I had 15 hp)DM: (to me) if the dead body wan't down there, you would have taken another 1d6 damage.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
several sessions later
barbarian: I rage and attack the snake
fighter: but its just a regular snake
barbarian (ooc): but I can rage 9 rounds per day
fighter (ooc): how many times can we mock him per day?
Vickas: Human bard, played by Crow.
Violet: Raptoran rogue, played by Raven.
Jay: Elf ranger DMPC, played by, well, me, the DM.
The players are looking for animals infected by an obscure disease in one of the region's biggest forests.
Crow: I roll a Spot check to see if there's any animals around. -gets an insanely low number-
DM: You're in a forest.
... Later, as they follow large, reptilian tracks to a swamp, they come to a big mess of tracks.
Violet: Jay, do you know what's going on here?
Jay: I have no idea. It looks like they were fighting.
Violet: What creatures could have caused this?
Crow: Knowledge: Nature to see what animals live in a swamp. -gets an insanely low number, again-
DM: Bears. Bears live in swamps. Or do they live in deserts?
Vickas: -shrugs-
Raven: Same thing. -gets a slightly higher number-
DM: You are absolutely certain bears live in swamps. Why aren't you two asking the ranger?
Violet: We-ell, do you know what caused this, Jay?
Jay: -gets a slightly higher Knowledge: Nature- Crocodiles.
So the smart trio is looking for animals, yet again.
Raven: Spot and Listen to search for animals. -rolls low-
DM: You're in a forest. It's a very forest-y forest, more forest-y than any other forest.
Violet: I can't take this forest-y-ness any more!
Davorn (Death Knight): What in the blazes is that?
Druscilla (Human Bard): I'm not sure. I don't think Pelor has lasers.
Player: Okay, I use an action point to...
DM: You throw your dice across the room, your turn is DONE.
(Characters:
Locke Atreides, snarky mechanic from the 51st century [me] (like the philosopher and the Kwisatz Haderach.)
Cam Stutler, itinerant 20th century self-described "ace miracle worker", played by Patrick
Wil Chimer, holder of the Great Ever-Expanding Encyclopedia of the Universe (GEEEU), "team leader" and poor planner, played by Alex)
Disclaimer: some of these are kind of bad. I know. But some of these are quite funny. I think.
Locke and Cam have just been picked up randomly by Wil's borrowed TARDIS.
Wil: Looks up "You know how to work a Tardis?
"Cam: "What did you call me?"
Locke: is busy looking around the strange room "Is that what it's called? I just call it 'choking the chicken.'"
Wil: "Just brilliant, I knew I could fly this thing, HAHA!"
Cam: 'Bucket please!"
Locke: "THAT IS NOT FLYING THAT IS CRASHING"
Cam: 'Bucket please!"
Locke: "THAT IS NOT FLYING THAT IS CRASHING"
Player: " So the big guy in the middle is the Naga? "
Dm: "yea"
Player: " i walk up and shake its hand"
group: LMAO!
To this day, anytime anyone ever does anything dumb, they are shaking hands with a naga
Me: (OOC) Mmmmmmmmk movin on
Lesbian Sorcerer: *talking to an elf* What is this village
Elf: Oh this is a village with elves looking to reproduce
LS: (OOC) Awesome
Barbarian: I got three
Me: *Stacking as many pieces under my character* I got this one, and this one, and this one and...
Female Barbarian: Ew...
*Female Barbarian got drunk*
*Wakes up Pregnant*
Another one....
DM: A mind flayer flies from the bushes and casts a mighty mind spell on you roll Will Save
*Everyone passes besides the male barbarian*
Mind Flayer: Hand over all your money to get the creature back
*Everyone*: (OOC) Hell No
Me: Anything else?
Mind Flayer: Come back in a week while he cleans my house *snaps his fingers and barbarian has a maids outfit on*
*We follow the mind flayer break into his house and tries to get the barbarian back*
Mind Flayer: What are you doing here?
Female Barbarian: To get him back
Mind Flayer: Fine *erases 3 Int Points*
Barbarian: Derr
Barbarian: Herp derp retauded
Another one...
DM: You come up to a large golden door, what do you do
Me: *Interrupting everyone* I'MA PUNCH IT!
DM: You punch it, breaking all your fingers and part of your wrist, idiot, what do you do?
Me: *Same* I'MA PUNCH IT AGAIN!
DM: You already broke your hand...
Me: I'ma use my OTHER HAND
DM: You break that hand, congratulations, you suck
Another one...
*In an arena on the 5th level*
DM: You walk into a peaceful garden and you see a tiny silver pixie. Roll initiative
Me: (OOC) We're fighting THAT?
DM: It's harder than it looks
*Pixie turns invisible*
*bard goes first*
Bard: I use Glitterdust
*Glitterdust blinds the pixie and outlines it*
*My Turn*
Me: *slowly walk towards it with my crossbow, puts it to it's head shoots it*
DM: The Pixie drops to the the ground and twitches
*Everyone bursts out laughing*
Amy sees prof Nithug: Professor, did you know Killik has built a huge fighting machine? And I wasn't allowed to do that!!!
While introducing my character:
Self: I am a warrior mastering the art of dual weapons. I have intricate knowledge of blades, and am a scourge with my short swords. You may call me... Mr. Scratches.
We come across a pocket dimension while following the journey of some dead adventures. I'm not paying too much attention since I'm trying to total and divvy party loot.
Rogue: Hey, Scratches, open up your backpack.
Me: Sure.
A blur flies out of the dimensional doorway, landing with a wet thud in my outstretch arms.
Me: Was that a severed head?
Rogue: Yeah, and be careful, she bites.
As we interrogate the zombified Succubus head, I'm holding it but cannot understand what's going on.
Me: I shake the head furiously.
DM: Wait, why?
Me: It looks like the demon's being evasive and difficult. I would like to communicate both my displeasure and the fact I enjoy shaking things.
Me: Well, it's a succubus, so I bet it gives good b*** j***.
Rogue: Yeah, lets get the paladin to try it out.
Me: 'Yeah, smite me, smite me hard'. Purging it of evil and planting the seeds of good.
DM: ... You know it would probably bite it off?
Me: So, it's a head, use the other end. ... Heh heh.
DM: What?
Me: Neck-rophilia.
Another night, we are preparing for a pit fight for the spectacle of the crowd.
Me: All right, rogue, pretend you are a visiting business man looking to invest in the arena. While he does that, monk, sneak in and get an idea of the layout. Paladin, put on your best clothes and, please, Don't Talk. Cleric, you're part two of his entorage, I'll do the talking. Everyone give any gold you can to the sorcerer, you're making out bets
DM: Why are you doing all this?
Me: Think about Ocean's Eleven. It's a gambling den. We're going to take it for everything it's worth.
Me: Neck-rophilia.
Awesome.
My Wizard: So that one turn comes out to 859 damage
DM: What did you use?
Me: Meta-Magic, I call it "Surpreme Fireball of Doom"
Quincey McAlister, bard, son of adventurers, clumsy, and foolhardy.
Sintare, ranger with pet lizard and bow, stoic, looking for his MIA finace
Rol, wizard, obsessed with power, secret past, can't stand not knowing, and trips out around artifacts
Quincey got killed, and the party managed to scrounge up a Raise Dead ritual for him. However, as their spirits visit the Shadowfell to retrieve my soul, something is off. They debate whether this is really Quincey's soul, or some of trick. I convince them it's me, and the resurrection continues. Back at the Material Plane, the shaman's ritual continues, and my character gasps his first breath in hours and bolts upright. His head smacks into the shaman's staff, knocking him back down, where he bangs his head against the stone floor.
Sintare and Rol, in unison: It's Quincey all right.
Sintare: It's good to have you back Quincey.
Quincey: Ow. Thanks.
Quincey died again that same session.
Me (OOC): We should have gone for the warrantee.
I just wish my group wasn't so bad with 'foul' language. I could share some good ones, but editing them for this board would kill them.
That is great O-R!
I just wish my group wasn't so bad with 'foul' language. I could share some good ones, but editing them for this board would kill them.
Thanks. The whole situation was pretty funny. Quincey's first death was from a young goliath, from a tribe cursed to take aberrant forms. This particular one was hallucinating from enemy poisons, and had turned into an owlbear due to the curse. Friggin' thing killed 3/5 of the party. And it turns out Quincey's soul had seemed strange because it had passed through "Cthulhu" on its way to the Shadowfell. So when they resurrected him, he was spawning all sort of Far Realm mutants. When something like a cross between a half-elf and needlefang swarm burst out of his chest, Sintare vomits and the DM comments "That's 100 kinds of special." The wizard freaks and shifts the Stinking Cloud from the bad guys to the bad guys plus Quincey. Combat ran a couple rounds longer as Rol chaces Quincey around, trying to kill him. Quincey's second death was because Rol sent him on a suicide mission, hoping he'd die. Quincey was the least stealthy member of the party, having only +2 compared to the average +9. So very much an Elan "I GOT A FOUR!" character. Appropriate, since he's a bard. But one natural 20, and Quincey's feeling special, and Rol convinces him that he's the stealthiest, so he should do recon. Of course Quincey botched it.
But the funniest part? Quincey came back again, this time as a spirit companion to the very goliath that killed him the first time. Of course, Quincey didn't know that when he made the choice. It was pretty much his ghost saying "Shoot! They need help! Gotta get help! *runs off and finds Aukan, the goliath* You there! Come with me! They need help! Shield! Get a shield! I didn't have a shield and now I'm dead." Although I think Aukan has the best entrance ever. Just as the party needs the cavalry, a goliath bursts through a door, literally splintering the thing, and then tosses aid to the allies - magic ammunition for the ranger, reagents for the wizard, and healing potions all around. He then turns into an owlbear and rushes into battle. Quincey's response? "YOU!" He is kind of ticked. But as the campaign went on, Quincey came to terms with it. He liked to try riding the owlbear into battle, which Aukan never appreciated.
Lol how ironic, sounds like you have a fun DM.
Yeah, he's pretty fun. Deadly too. He always modifies monsters to make them more dangerous. His needlefangs has instilled a fear of green gummy bears in anyone who's fought them. And Aukan? I designed him to be nigh-unkillable, with 90 hit points at 4th level or something. And then we fought a monster who, thanks to stacking attacks and aura, left me taking ongoing 45 damage!
Thankfully I managed to get resist 3 all, smacking it down to like ongoing 33. We never even bloodied that thing.Unfortunately, I've since moved, so I'm just regaling old stories from the glory days. The rest of the party continues, though. They've been hurled into a distant future where their failure has turned the world into Dark Sun, and Quincey has ascended to become the wisest and most powerful primal spirit still around, protecting the island where he died twice. Still working with Aukan's descendents.
The last time I missed a session with my group, my character died (my fault).
I was forced to miss another session due to family events.
Friend 1: (to me) so yeah...your new character died.
Me:
...
Friend 2: Tthe person who played your character used mage armor and walked up front.
(I am a wizard)Friend 1: you got hit with like 15 arrows.
Me: WHO KILLED ME!
Both friends:
Friend 2: JK, you didn't really die. we didn't see dangerous combat. funny reaction though.
Me:
well duh! the last time I wasn't here I died. so of course I would think... (grumbles)I don't think they would let this die.
I don't think they would let this die.
At the next session, when you use the restroom, go back to the table and immediately ask, "So did I die while I was gone?"
The only thing that sucked is he's so hung on everyone playing their classes.... fighters bleed, my cleric was a flippin tank, but all I could do was cast mass heal half a dozen times every battle and resurrect people... I finally decided to monkey wrench him good cuz I'd tried talking to him about it time and time again so in the middle of a fight I renounced my god and started laying into the other PC's at the table (they knew I was gonna do it and thought it was a good idea,) and killed almost everybody.... next weekend we started a new game with a new DM, he was a PC after that.
Still A wizard in this one except I have a pseudodragon familiar.
DM: okay, your mission is to bring down an empire. The ruler of said empire has the power to change the physical landscape of the continent and created a wall 50 feet over everything that disintegrates you. His Fortress is made of iron and is so big it has its own weather system. His moat is made of water elementals. He also has an army of minions both living and undead numbering in the millions and his minions double as kamikazes. You have time to turn back now.
Rogue: An Empire!?
Monk: Bring it.
Cleric: but its an EMPIRE!
Me: ... don't worry everyone we have Kelsier (my pseudodragon is named Kelsier).
Maybe you get the reference?
DM: Well that's a hundred kinds of special.
The DM goes on to explain that the cultist we were fighting is very puzzled by me "summoning" what looks like a chibi version of his dark god
Cultist: What have I been smoking? Oh, right. Incense.
Mike: "Aw, gee, thanks!"
him: okay, got a 26 on perform.
i roll for the half-orc, get a natural 20 and start laughing.
him:what is it?
me: grimskall joins the song in the clearest, most angelic voice imaginable.
him: alright, we ride this wave and do a touching harmonic rendition of boyz to men's "it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday"!
Player: We're taking a beating here and we're out of healing.
DM: The Druid Davilous you met earlier sends his enchanted squirrel companion up to you.
Player 2: I look at it cautiously.
DM: The squirrel approaches your leg. It places it's paws upon you. You feel your wounds healing.
Player: Holly Crap! We're going to need all the squirrels we can get!
The main players in this scene:
Steve (eladrin rogue with self-described balls of steel)
Tim (half orc barbarian who's mother told him he's full human and was a product of immaculate conception)
They were in a jazz club looking for a dragonborn.
Steve: i head toward the stairs and see if anyone looks over at me.
Me: the bartender comes over and asks if your are interested in any... female company. Or male if that is the way you go?
Tim: FEMALE COMPANY?! I run over and get a hooker.
Steve: I give Tim a few gold pieces and tell him to get two.
Tim goes upstairs with his ladies.
Steve: alright, now I go upstairs.
Tim: You hear me: NAKED LADY. TWO NAKED LADIES.
Rest of group:
Steve: (OOC) so is it true what they say about half orcs? (after a little bit of discussion about this he enters the rooms looking for a dragonborn.)
Me: You get some screams, some pillows thrown at you, some... other things thrown at you. But no dragonborn.
The cast:
Urgrog (me): Orc Warden
Jennivine Perrysmith (aka Jenni): Human Bard
Succubus
DM
We were travelling through a dungeon (what else is new?) when Jenni was captured by a Succubus. The following ensued:
DM: You find yourself in what appears to be an abandoned tavern. Jenni is strapped into a chair in the corner of the room. You also see the succubus that captured her.
Urgrog: (OOC) Is she hot?
Jenni: (OOC) ...Not again...
(Side note: Urgrog likes to hit on the ladies)
DM: Uhh...sure.
Urgrog: (OOC) I'll roll a diplomacy check to seduce her. (rolls a 2) ...Well ****.
DM: Well, that didn't work. What did you tell the succubus?
(I write down the conversation, to which the DM reads allowed):
Urgrog: Did it hurt?
Succubus: Did what hurt?
Urgrog: When you fell from heaven?
Succubus: What a sweet creature you are...
Urgrog: Because your face looks like a train-wreck!
Succubus:
Urgrog: ...What?
Urgrog: Because your face looks like a train-wreck!
Kudo's to whoever (you or the DM) thought of that line at the time. Thinking of fun things like that on the spot makes D&D a greater game.
Jack-rogue
Wiseman-cleric
Muscellydude-Barbarian
Inquisitordude- scary inquisitor
Emeralis00- (me, obviously) wizard
Elyk- ranger
Da_guide- druid
(names have been changed due to the following situation)
We opened a crate in a storage room with our rogue opening it while searching for traps... apparently there was a rogue in it.
Female Gnome popped out and stabs Jack for 3 dmg,
then Inquisitordude bull rushes Jack onto crate pinning gnome in crate for 3 dmg
she tries to stab Jack and misses,
Inquisitordude takes his ax and Chops a hole in side of crate into gnome for 3 dmg and gnome gets squished again for 4 dmg,
Wiseman tries to jump on Jack to further squish gnome and misses pile and hits floor,
Jack attacked and misses the gnome,
Muscellydude picked up Jack to attack gnome...missed gnome and slammed Jack onto the broken crate next to gnome for 7 dmg,
Elyk shoots at gnome and hits her 10 dmg,
Emeralis00 casts true strike on himself and moves down hallway,
da_guide holds action.
The Gnome jumps into the hallway and attacks da_guide for 4 dmg,
Inquisitordude bull rushes room 1 door smashing it and himself to the floor,
Wiseman moves to door behind Inquisitordude,
Jack Gets off of the crate dusts himself off and glares at everyone in the room,
Muscellydude tries to bull rush Elyk into gnome and Elyk hits wall instead for 4 dmg and falls prone to the floor,
Elyk tries to trip the gnome and fails,
Emeralis00 hits the gnome for 5 dmg with a quarterstaff and she falls unconscious,
Inquisitordude kills her and takes one ring finger.
this battle was kinda hard to remember because we were all laughing at poor Jack, so this was from the notes (taken by Jack). (all emoticons represent jack)
Sarah: What's a donut doing in the middle of all those squares?
Me: ... it's a fountain.
The host's mom (we're teens, not living in our parents' basements) was nice enough to get out water bottles for everyone. There's a group of them right in front of my area. I'm the DM.
Me: -sips water- Okay, so the bulette moves here...
Nate: Where's my water?
Everyone else: Dunno.
Me: -sips again- Gosh, this tastes funny...
Nate: Hey, that's my water bottle!
Me: EWWWW!
Mathew: He probably backwashed, too...
Me:
New Rogue: I use my tongue to open the lock
DM:you know thats like dc 35 or so
New Rogue: *rolls* 36
--------------------------------------
Familiars are so useful.
we had just escaped the main building of a prison and had to deal with the guards on the wall.
ME:
I shrink my familiar (pseudodragon) down to the size of a flea, then send him to bite all the guards.DM: okay...*rolls*...well... all but two of the guards are now asleep.
ME:
I was running a campaing featuring some of my friends and a new kid. I thought i would make it a run session so i implemented a gnome bard (epic at whatever he did). He convinced one of them to cut of the beard of the dwarf (nearly got him killed, nearly) anyways turns out the gnome saved the one who tried to cut of the beard of the dwarf... This resultet in the dwarf selling the poor bastard to the gnome as a servant. At the end of the session the gnome disappears and leaves a note to his slave. "i will be back to collect what is mine" the slave passed it to the female dragonborn of the group whom the gnome tried to get freaky with... instant one hit KO
In character quotes:
*Throws javelin and misses horribly* "...that's how we give gifts in our society! "
*looks down well and rolls poorly* "You see dark. Lots of dark. You reach down and feel dark."
And a personal favorite: "Okay, they're clearly not pleased with us kicking down their door. So I'm going to do grasping shards on them, you steal the door, and we'll use it as a raft down the river."
Out of character:
DM: "What's 7+3 again?"
Player: "Oh god! Aaaahhh! Uh, god my head hurts, is it...is it cat?"
Alchemist: The drinks are 50 GP each.
I take a lot of time to think and calculate and eventually say "we need 8 and I see you have 10. You will probably need some for personal use so I will give you 350 for 8 of them."
Alchemist laughs in my face and says "this is very expensive stuff, you can have them for 450, you miscounted by 1 digit in the hunderds".
I try math but decide my character sucks at it so I ask my owl familair to help.
Familiar: 1 mouse + 1 mouse is many mice. right?
Me:
Eventually a party member starts to join in the haggling and after various offers he bids 400 for 8 of the drinks. Loudly proclaiming that the alchemist should take the offer because we are getting a bargain while he is being paid a nice amount of extra money!
* for those who don't get this part
Show
Fish in French is Poissons. We aren't French, we are Dutch but we all have had French in high school so we all laughed
Fish in French is Poissons. We aren't French, we are Dutch but we all have had French in high school so we all laughed
Paladin: "Holy Helm! lets get out of here!
Wizard: "Aw, they don't look so tough."
Paladin: "That's easy for you to say. You'll just hang on the rope and fling bat dung at rose petalsin their faces. I have to be down there getting my arse kicked."
DM: "You know, Helm doesn't really condone cowardice like that."
Paladin: "Forget it. Lets go back to the market and buy some potions, then we'll take care of this."
Wizard: (chortling) "Brave Sir Robin ran away..."
DM: "::sigh:: Alright, everyone. Back up the rope. Lets see some Athletics."
Wizard: "14."
Rogue: "17."
Barbarian: "22."
Paladin: " ... 7 ... "
DM: "Well, the Gods have spoken. Down you go."
Wizard: "And there was much rejoicing."
Rogue and Barbarian: "Yaaaaay."
-The Paladin did not roll over a 10 that entire encounter-
We were in a cavern complex filled with Kobold Dragon Shields and Kobold Miners (minions).
Our party wizards turn began.
Wizard: Let's see I think burning hands from the familar should do the job.
DM: What's the area on that?
Wizard: Close burst 5.
Assassin (me): I smell some miners going down.
Party: laughter.
Assassin (me) (confused): What?
Fighter: Dude that's just wrong.
Assassin (me) (finally getting the accidental double entendre): Doh.
1. A planehopping adventure, after going through our 2nd or third portal:
Me: Alright, so what plane are we in now?
DM: *lays down the big sheet of graph paper to use as the base for the map*
Friend: IT'S THE CARTESIAN PLANE
Me: This could get graphic.
*glares from half the table*
2. Darksun game, whereupon the ranger has been knocked unconscious in every encounter thus far, we were trying to find a specific cave in the desert.
Other guy: So my guess is its the cave where the ranger is peeing at the entrance.
Me: He's not peeing, he's just bleeding.
3. Star Wars Saga game, where we're playing a very Firefly-like scenario, trying to find work.
DM: You suddenly get a call on your personal comlink.
Noble: Pizza pizza!
*later*
Mechanic: So we need a way to get up to this person's hotel room.
Noble: (To desk clerk) Pizza Pizza!
*later, still trying to get useful info from the hotel*
Noble: [ooc]Alright, I'm just going to flirt with the desk clerk to let us in.[/ooc] Hey, I've got a 16" sausage for you if you're interested.
DM: The *male* desk clerk suddenly seems very interested.
Noble: . . .
Me OOC: Brinder kneels down on the floor and begins saying a prayer to the Raven Queen over the bodies of our fallen foes to help guide their journey to the afterlife.
The fighter: "How come the assassin is more religious than our cleric?"
Cast:
Me (Rhyfel Bladesong, eladrin swordmage and CEO)
Robert (Moloch, tiefling Infernalock)
Justin (Minotaur sword/board fighter whose name I always forget)
Matt (new addition to the group, a half-elf bard whose name I haven't memorized)
Donaar, dragonborn barbarian (this time I can never remember the player's name!)
Steve (Maahes, shifter two-axe ranger)
Justin the DM (hereby simply known as DM due to there being two Justins)
(Setting up an ambush)
DM: Alright, everybody else had made Stealth checks... Rhyfel!
Me: Uh, crap... I'm horrible at Stealth. Uh... Religion and Bluff checks!
DM: Why?
Me: I'm gonna wear my wolf pelt on my head and pretend to be a death cultist!
(friendly NPC walks by; I wave the pelt's paws at him and go "RAAAAGH!!!")
(Trying to steer a runaway carriage through the street)
Donaar: I, uh, fail my Nature check.
DM: The horses freak out and careen through the streets!
Justin: I punch through the front wall and grab him. "Let me take over!" (rolls a Nature success)
DM: Okay, roll a Perception check.
Justin: (Gets a 28) I CAN SMELL THE STREET SIGNS!!!
(The bad guy's name has been revealed; I mishear it)
Me: Hurkel, huh? Is he gonna be walking around with the yellow shirt and red suspenders and red wireframe glasses?
Everybody: Groan...
DM: It's Horkel.
Me: Oh, so like a slutty Urkel.
(No context needed)
Me: I WAS PROMISED ELF NOOKIE!!!
Horkel: "I will devour your soul!"
Me: I wave my wolf paws at him and go "RAAAAGH!!!"
DM: As you pick up the emblem, a group of Archons appear in the room.
Assassin1 (we have 2): Will putting it back make them go away?
DM: No.
Assassin1: Dang.
Me: "I say we get the hell out of here."
DM: The remaining Fire Archon burns the bridge.
Me: That's okay. I just have to attack it in order to teleport it five squares and teleport to any square adjacent to it.
DM: The pit is 8 squares long. Go ahead.
Warlock: I use Eldritch Blast on the Fire Archon. *crits* *slays the Archon*
Me: "Wait. Did you just burn an elemental spirit of fire?"
Warlock: "Yes. Do you have a problem with that?" *creates fireball in hand*
Me: (In a scared voice) "Nope. Nothing."
Warlock: "Good."
Later that session, against a slime-enemy.
Me: "Could you come over here so that I may kill you?"
Slime: *comes over to me*
Me: "Goo'ed boy" (pun intended) (sounds like good, but is really goo'ed as in 'covered in slime')
Slime: *Starts pummeling me*
In an inn:
Assassin1: I try to backstab the patron.
DM: Why?
Assassin1: Meh...
Assassin2: Because you can?
On our way to where we will be next session:
DM: You see a group of poor children sitting in the side of the road.
Warlock: I blast them out of existence, down to the very last scrap of DNA.
DM: You can't... You can't blast them out of existence!
Me: Don't underestimate us! Whether it be space, time or alternate realities altogether, they mean nothing to us! We will ignore the impossible, kick reason to the curb and go beyond the impossible! That's how we do things! I'll say it as many times as I have to: JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK WE ARE?!
DM: A bunch of raving lunatics.
Us: ...yes...
(Apparently, the DM didn't quite understand, even from my character's background, that everything after "Don't underestimate us!" and until the end of the line, was actually one of the battle cries used by the militia in the town my character is from (he served in the militia, so he knows all of their battle cries). It was also a (not-so-)very subtle reference to one of the most epic anime-series any of us have ever watched.)
From this week's game, the ongoing adventures of Bladesong Pharmaceuticals!
Cast:
Me (Rhyfel Bladesong, eladrin swordmage and CEO)
Robert (Moloch, tiefling Infernalock)
Justin (Minotaur sword/board fighter whose name I always forget)
Matt (new addition to the group, a half-elf bard whose name I haven't memorized)
Donaar, dragonborn barbarian (this time I can never remember the player's name!)
Steve (Maahes, shifter two-axe ranger)
Justin the DM (hereby simply known as DM due to there being two Justins)
Ok, something that bugs me: what is the purpose of this part? It describes 7 people, when only 4 of them appear in the qoutes, two of them referred as 'Me' and 'DM', which is self-explanatory and the other two could just go as 'fighter' or 'barbarian'. This cast thing is just confusing and serves no purpose at all. Same with overly detailed backgrounds, when just a sentence would do fine.
And a note to the poster right above me: don't explain the jokes.
Mostly, the purpose is so that fellow players at the same table can get their names in on the fun. They contributed plenty, but those just happened to be my favorite lines from a very long and hilarious session.
But what for? You know who you are, so why do you need to spell it out for yourselves again? We've never met you or your group, so why do we need to know about Matt the half-elf bard if he doesn't take part in any of the situations described below? When it's arranged like this, some readers have to check for names in the cast part above, not knowing if their race or class matters, and when there's more people described than needed, it's just needlessly elaborate.
Keep it simple, you're not writing a play, you're quoting funny lines and dialogs. "The fighter" and "the barbarian" would have done fine.
*Takes down 25 goblins, survives, and is teleported to the the burning hells*
Bard: I take a moment to remember and honor my fellow party members who were so near and dear to me: Iktarn, Marxus, and . . . what was the other name?
Me: well you see... there is a horizontal wall of disintegrate 50 feet above everything, that is why you will never see my pseudodragon go any higher than 25 feet.
New guy: um, what happens if you touch it?
Me: well...
Others of the group:
BZZZZT Was playing in an LFR game using my 2nd level female elf monk. We were playing high (meaning the combats were +2 my level or more).
haha I was gonna call you a stoner
I cast fireball into the darkness spell...
Me to a Friend: you take 23 damage
Friend: what!? Why!?
Me: I missed...
Me to a Friend: you take 23 damage
Friend: what!? Why!?
Me: I missed...
Cast:
DM
Me/Peren Ren'Arus, Elven Avenger of Kord
Vallo, Tiefling Warlock
Muzukashi, Changeling Assassin
And finally, my second character (because the DM asked me to run an extra character because one of our players wasn't able to play), the proud Human Paladin of Pelor, Gregg
At the beginning of our first encounter today:
We were asked to go to the docks to deal with some pirates, and saw a man with an excessively huge beard fighting them off.
Vallo: Who's that guy over there? *points at mini*
DM: You can try talking to him.
Vallo: Okay. *moves own mini closer* "Hello."
Man: "More pirates!? I shall smite thee, evildoer!"
Vallo: "No. We're not pirates. They're just rude."
Man: "Then tell me who you are and why you are here."
Muzukashi: "We are Vallo, Peren and Muzukashi. It's up to you to figure out who's who."
Vallo: "What is your name, good sir?"
Man: *looks down* "...Gregg..."
Later in the battle:
DM: One of the lackeys uses the northern cannon. He fires a chainshot at Vallo. *Rolls and misses*
Who's the first other character in line of fire?
Everyone: Gregg.
DM: Okay, Gregg is hit and knocked unconcious. Next up... Another lackey. It uses the same cannon... And attacks Gregg. *Rolls and hits by far* 20 damage.
Me: Ouch.
Vallo: And the impact from the cannonball is powerful enough to crush his spine. Even if he's wearing a platemail.
DM: ...And Gregg is never gonna walk again.
Gregg: "Somebody kill me..."
Vallo: (cheerful) "Okay."
Later, when we were down to two battleships circling the bay. We had Gregg and Muzukashi mount the southern cannon, as it was the only one that could hit the ships. Vallo and Peren went around chopping down pirates that landed on the shore.
DM: And the Pirate misses. Gregg, you're up.
Me: Gregg fires the cannon.
DM: Okay, roll it.
Me *rolls* 2.
DM: That's 12 against the ships' 24 AC. You miss.
Muzukashi: "It usually helps to actually load the cannon."
Next encounter (the second of two for today, because the first one had taken two and a half hour):
There were two battleships on the map. Ours and a fleeing pirate vessel. (the entire encounter was built like a skill challenge difficulty 1, 4 successes before 3 failures)
Muzukashi rolls and misses.
Peren rolls and misses.
Vallo rolls and crits.
Gregg rolls and misses.
DM restarts the skill challenge.
Muzukashi rolls and hits.
Peren rolls and misses.
Vallo rolls and hits.
Gregg rolls and misses.
Muzukashi rolls and hits.
Peren waits.
Gregg barges in and rolls... misses.
DM: Let's try one more time.
Muzukashi hits.
Peren misses.
Vallo hits.
Gregg misses.
Muzukashi waits.
Peren waits.
Vallo hits.
Gregg's turn:
Vallo: You wait.
Gregg: no I don't.
Vallo: You're going to restart the skill challenge again.
Gregg: Geez. Have a little faith in me, will ya?
Gregg rolls... and misses.
Vallo: "Okay that's it. Anyone vote for dumping one unit of bearded fullplate-wearing paladin?"
- Shillo the Dryad in response to Lyntel the Warforged trying to seduce her.
"I Can't hurry, I don't want to spill the liche".
Therefore, while the party examined a room covered in blue dust, I went and:
-Took down a ghoul in two hits (dual-wielded quarterstaff; yes, a combat mage).
-Fed a rust monster (I had no metal, so I went down the chamber and opened a door with two kobolds holding a vargouille on chains, so it could eat there).
-Took down three armed troglodytes by hypnotizing them and tying them to nearby manacles.
Meanwhile, the party examined the dusty room and fought some kobolds. Just as they were about to explore the rest of the place, they ran into Haddy. I said the first thing that came to my mind:
"What took all of you so long?"
The rest of the group was NOT happy.
Billy- 'F*ck my life...I'll go start on another new char...'
"Where in the Nine Hells were you?"
During our last session, our party was joined by a Shaman who just appeared out of nowhere (which in itself is no small feat, despite stuff appearing and disappearing as the Plot demands it). After the encounter, the shaman suddenly disappeared again (because the player needed to make some changes, but allowed the rest of us to play on), only to reappear after the next encounter, where our collective HP pool was steadily declining. Needless to say, we only had one question for him:
"Where in the Nine Hells were you?"
Please tell me the response was something like "The City of Dis". That would be perfect.
During our last session, our party was joined by a Shaman who just appeared out of nowhere (which in itself is no small feat, despite stuff appearing and disappearing as the Plot demands it). After the encounter, the shaman suddenly disappeared again (because the player needed to make some changes, but allowed the rest of us to play on), only to reappear after the next encounter, where our collective HP pool was steadily declining. Needless to say, we only had one question for him:
"Where in the Nine Hells were you?"
Please tell me the response was something like "The City of Dis". That would be perfect.
Actually, he never really answered. But yeah, it would've been cool.
"You now have crabs. Alright, let's keep moving."
Now Mao was Evil, and pretending to be neutral in front of the rest of the party, and for our first adventure we were trying to hunt out and exterminate a small smuggling opperation run by a couple lowly humans. Our informant was a large man who was rather condecending, esspecially to the pint sized, white haired, Wizard kid.
-
Informant (when asked for our agreed upon information): Aye, I'll get there shortly. Ey, Shorty? HAHAHAHAHA *points at Mao and laughs some more*
Mao: "I'M" *hand glows with a purple chill* "NOT" *Starts a skill challenge, and uses a suprise round and grabs the mans nuts, freezeing them solid* "SHORT!" *Wins initiative, grabs his bastard sword as a move action, and them slams it into the mans crotch, shattering his balls into shards of ice*
DM: Great, I'm sure the party apreciates you killing their only informant.
Mao (OOC): Now, I'm sure Mr.DM, that you have seen what I can wish upon a person in a simple board game. Now remember, this is my house we are using. I have access to plenty of ice, rope, and a hammer. If you do not want to see a repeat of what just happened here, in your own flesh, I suggest you take the wisdom of the dragonborn, and FIND A WAY TO GET WHAT WE NEED.
DM (Looking a bit shocked): Well, wouldn't you know it? The guy had a friend with him all along who knows the exact same things his now dead buddy does! He was just hiding! And for some reason, he's grasping the fork in his legs and telling you everything you need to know! How convineient!
Mao (OOC): Thought so. Carry on gentlemen!
Mao (OOC): Now, I'm sure Mr.DM, that you have seen what I can wish upon a person in a simple board game. Now remember, this is my house we are using. I have access to plenty of ice, rope, and a hammer. If you do not want to see a repeat of what just happened here, in your own flesh, I suggest you take the wisdom of the dragonborn, and FIND A WAY TO GET WHAT WE NEED.
DM (Looking a bit shocked): Well, wouldn't you know it? The guy had a friend with him all along who knows the exact same things his now dead buddy does! He was just hiding! And for some reason, he's grasping the fork in his legs and telling you everything you need to know! How convineient!
Mao (OOC): Thought so. Carry on gentlemen!
This one got an actual out loud chuckle from me.
DM: "In walks a [monster that's a Lvl 8 Brute]"
*Updates map*
Player 1: "Maybe we should let the big guy handle this."
Player 2: "What's the big deal? It's only one and there's five of us! We can take it without his help."
Player 1: "I'm worried about the '1' next to it on the map."
* Three Lvl 8 Brutes later... *
Player 1 (Unconscious): "Told ya."
Player 2 (Dead): "Shut up."
Assassin: "Haven't we been here before?"
Me: "Yeah, those scorched trees look oddly familiar."
Warlock: *creates a flaming sphere in his hands*
Me: "You're not gonna try scorching the Feywild again, are you?"
Warlock: *nods while smiling*
Assassin: "Remember what almost happened last time you tried?"
Warlock: "Ah. Almost. Meaning it was close to happening, yet didn't. And I'm not one to leave a job half finished." *Increases size of fireball*
Runepriest: *back-attacks Warlock with his Warhammer* *accidentally crits*
DM: The Warlock is unconcious and dying.
Assassin: "Phew. That's the second time he tries that."
Me: "Perhaps you should heal him a bit. He's the only thing keeping the raw arcane power in the world from plunging our world and any other planes there might be into chaos, after all."
Assassin: "Somehow, that doesn't sound nearly as bad." (Here, 'nearly as bad' refers to several earlier incidents where he somehow managed to only hit us with area spells, despite there being several enemies within the burst. That and his character's wish for our demise (we're starting to think he might actually be the BBEG))
My wife is playing a warforged juggernaut, who is the warforged version of a human germophobe. So she's like deathly afraid of rust. Funny little RP thing with it, like she's only concerned with money when she needs to go buy more rags and oil...etc...
Anyways, completely forgetting her thing w/ that, I end up sending them on a Lyrander elemental galleon down to the Bluespine Peaks. She wasn't paying much attention to the details, so when I tell them 'Ok, you're on the boat and on your way, traveling this way is the fastest you could possibly get there' she looks at me funny and says
Her-"Wait, we're on a boat? Like on the water."
Me- "Yes dear, the ocean in fact. Why?"
Her- "My character has a panic attack, then lashes himself to the mast of the boat...why would you do this to me???"
Me- "Sorry, totally forgot about that...why didn't you say anything til now?"
Her (imitating her warforged, arms wrapped around herself and rocking) "Go to your happy place, go to your happy place...."
"You've done an awful lot of stupid crap since we met, you moved in on our turf, attacked members of the pack and then refused our offer to back the hell off. You've hurt my pack, my friends but there's one really stupid mistake you made. You f***ed with a main character."
Cue combat which I won by a hurling a car at him
Werewolf the Forsaken game, we end up squaring off against another pack and it's pretty much just my character and the pack leader of the other... pack standing across from me under a bridge. My character was a rather genre savvy comic book nerd who was turned about a month prior and isn't exactly a combat powerhouse and had never really done that much other than serving as comic relief (Get it? Because he reads comics. Comic relief. Hurrrrr.) and pointing out when people were about to do something really stupid. Tends to relate everything to a comic he read once or tries to apply literary conventions to real life, thinks of himself as a PC and everyone else as NPCs. So anyway it's dark, raining and we're all stood under a bridge with a whole bunch of the group incapacitated, the quote went like this.
"You've done an awful lot of stupid crap since we met, you moved in on our turf, attacked members of the pack and then refused our offer to back the hell off. You've hurt my pack, my friends but there's one really stupid mistake you made. You f***ed with a main character."
Cue combat which I won by a hurling a car at him
Best. Quote. Ever.
The Elf simply said: "Don't bother using that Hand to Foot Spell"
After approaching an old rope bridge and warning the group that it might give way our bold leader boldly fell to his death when the bridge did in fact give way.
"Does anyone have any objections to me being the new leader? I do have 20 points of Intelligence."
DM: "Yes, you tug it hard to test it, and it's stuck fast."
PC: "Awesome, I use it to swing across the pit."
DM: "Oka-"
PC: "And kick Vol."
(beat)
PC: "In the head."
Shortly after out teams first adventure from my previous comment, our Old Human Warlord, Brazen Von Wolfhousen, was getting quite suspicious of Mao's 'Neutral' behavior (see as he is truly Evil)... and began to question him.
Brazen: Ey, laddie, are ye suuuuure, you're not... let's say 'evil'?
Mao: What? NO! Of course not!
Brazen: Right, right... boot how do we know that? Any proof? In the last day, your killed a guy with an ice covered nutshot, put a room of enemies to sleep and them proceeded to slit their throats, and lit Barnabus on fire (Barnabus being our Eladrin Rouge).
Mao: What? He's Eladrin! They love fire!
Brazen: Mao....
Mao: OK! *prestidigitations a puppy into his arms* See! *starts petting the puppy with a pained grimmace on his face*
DM: Brazen, make an insight check. Mao make a Bluff check.
(Mao rolls low, but Brazen rolls lower... so the next part ended up like this)
Mao: *muttering* don't set it on fire, don't set it on fire, don't set it on fire....
Brazen: Good enough fer me! Let's bounce!
Me: I don't want him to get away. I try to grab him back the neck.
DM: That doesn't seem very chivalrous.
Me: Well it's not not being chivalrous. I'm just trying to grab him before he runs. It's not like I plan to hurt him.
DM: Kay. Grapple check.
Me: 24.
DM: Your massive steel fingers seize the man by his scrawny neck. His face turns red as his skin bulges around your hand.
Me: I dangle him over the bridge.
DM: Is that very knightly of you?
Me: It's not unknightly. I'm not striking while he's down or anything, I'm just making sure he's not fleeing from my questions.
DM: Alright, fair enough. His feet dangle a thousand feet in the air, and he is visibly afraid of falling.
Me: Better safe than sorry. I give him a deadpan stare, and inform him that if he doesn't tell me what I want to know, he'll have enough time during the fall that he can write a goodbye letter to his loved ones.
DM: Uh... that doesn't seem terribly honourable.
Me: ...It's not dishonourable. Strictly speaking. Good doesn't have to be nice, right?
DM: (Disapprovingly) ...No, I guess not. Intimidate check.
Me: Nat 20.
DM: He pees himself.
Setting:
Some 3.5 campaign (I think this was the Demonweb Pits one) with players who were all relatively new to 3.5 but had started to find interesting details ... the DM was not much more informed than the rest of the party.
Another key point is that we were all engineering students.
So we arrive at a Frost Giant tower where we are supposed to find some super weapon to help stop an aspect of Lolth.
After the battle where we killed off the giants (including one up top) without opening the doors:
DM: "Ok, you are now in front of the tower doors with the dead giants, the titanium doors are about 2 stories high and wide to let giants through"
Paladin: "I go try to open them"
(by now I am looking through my spell lists for my cleric really fast ...)
DM: "You open the doors and find the weapon and some loot etc"
Me: "How thick are those doors?"
DM: "2 feet? why?"
Me: "2 feet x 16 feet high x 16 feet wide, that's *starts scratching numbers and calculating* roughly XXXXX thousand gold pieces worth of metal there."
At this point the DM remembers he is dealing with crazy detail oriented engineers ... the number was perfectly reasonnable given the book information for prices and the density of titanium but was over ten thousand times what our characters could ever get as loot.
DM: "But those are huge TITANIUM doors, how the h*** are you ever going to move them ?"
Me: "Well that's what I was checking, I have a shrink spell which diminishes size and weight and we just checked ... the Paladin's horse can carry them. In fact we don't even need to bother carrying, we just strap them on as cargo and resummon the mount to sell the metal."
DM: "As you inspect the doors more carefully you realize they are in fact Titanium coated stone".
This has become a great group meme as we try to shrink and sell whatever isn't very well nailed down. The "Oh My God I am dealing with engineers" moments are a regular thing ...
________
Another (non D&D one). A non engineer friend starts talking about making a strip version of every boardgame and mentions Arkham Horror. We ask how and he explains a bonus (clue token for those who know the game) for each piece of clothing removed. Right away:
Engineer 1: "But wouldn't that just mean if you start with 4 or more pieces of clothing each you can instantly get naked and have 5?"
Engineer 2 (Me): "Yeah, it's a co-op game so the best thing is for everyone to cash in the bonus right away ... "
Engineer 1: "So really Strip-Arkham is easy to win and turns into an orgy?"
Non-Engineer 1: "Did they just optimize Strip-Arkham?"
Non-Engineer 2 (who started the whole thing): "GAAAAAHHH ! THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED !!"
Non-Engineer 2 (who started the whole thing): "GAAAAAHHH ! THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED !!"
Engineers: the scourge of every DM.
Non-Engineer 2 (who started the whole thing): "GAAAAAHHH ! THEY CANNOT BE STOPPED !!"
Engineers: the scourge of every DM.
Actually, the moer accurate quote is:
"Players: the scourge of every DM."
DM: Thistle, you're up.
Thistle: Alright I'll pull out my bow.
Wizard: Why don't you go around the side and shoot through the window?
Thistle: But I'd have to break the window.
Wizard: Right, because we wouldn't want that!
Priest: Yeah, I mean its okay to trash the furniture, destroy a few kegs and probably start a fire in the wooden building, but please, don't break a window.
Me (Rogue/Halfling): Alright I'll go scout ahead *I see a small goblin tribe I'm too far away to tell my ENTIRE group, the only person by me is a dimwitted "Scottish" Barbarian Dwarf* Note: My character gets easily frustrated with idiots
Me: *whispering in dwarven * You! Dwarf! tell them that there's a goblin tribe doing some sort of ritual by the fire.
Dwarf: Ask nicely
Me: Shh! Just tell them about it.
Dwarf: I can't tell them unless you ask nicely!
[OOC Player] Just ask him nicely so we can continue this
Me: Okay! You stupid, uh. Can you please tell them about the goblins.
Dwarf: Ookay I'll tell them of the Gooblins
*minutes later*
Dwarf: *Eats strange shrooms, sees spirits while I stand next to him* What are yee saying?
Spirit: *whispering* Kill themm...
Dwarf: What but thee be me friends!
DM: You can tell they don't understand you.
Me: What the hell are you saying?!
Spirit: eat the green mushroommmm...
*Dwarf he eats it.*
Dwarf: Can ye understand me?
Spirit: Yesssssss
Dwarf: *yelling* YAY!!!
Me: Shut Up!
[Goblin Tribe comes and attacks]
Bant - Mon Calamari Jedi.
Nawrunn - Wookiee Jedi.
Jakys - my Bothan Scoundrel.
We had been taken captive by a Quarren who was using us to fight in a gladiator arena on Gamorr. After the first day of battles, we attempted to make our escape. Nawrunn used the Force to break through our prison door and we made our way towards the entrance of the building with some other prisoners Nawrunn had mind-dominated to use as meat shields. When we got to the entrance hall, Bant (who was very paranoid) stopped us to check for traps, and saw that a computer in the corner of the room opposite us was sending out security beams that crossed the room at waist-height.
Now, the DM made it pretty obvious that he intended for us to get into some combat and be recaptured to fight some more gladiator battles, but I had high Use Computer and Tech scores and had something else in mind.
Bant: Jakys, can you slide under the beams over to the computer and turn them off?
DM: The beams actually go straight down to the floor.
Me: But they don't fill the whole room, right?
DM: No.
Me: Bant, Force-lift me over to the computer. I'm going to Mission Impossible this s***.
(I succeeded in disabling the beams after a couple rounds.)
A little later, one of our meat shields took an explosion to the face the one time Bant didn't check for a trap.
Bant: Can I rip off her breast and put it in my inventory?
DM: Uh, I guess... Why?
Bant: I want to make it into a Sith talisman.
He's still carrying that thing around, waiting until he's a high enough level to create talismans.
Yet the following quote, quite literally out of nowhere, sent us into gales of hysterical laughter.
Happiness Officer: Yes, but is the p***s flying? *quirky smile*
The DM's obligatory summary of the battle (whenever an unusual death occurs):
"A Gargantuan Gray Dragon Emperor, whose rule spans continents... was killed off... BY A NORMAL SHURIKEN!? YOU HAD VORPAL WEAPONS!!! What the hell is wrong here?"
Apparently, it turned out it was all to prove us wrong: Shurikens can kill.
Me: Shoot the altar! Shoot the altar!
Navira: I shoot the altar.
DM: All of the creatures start converging on you.
Navira: I start screaming in terror.
Me: WHY DID YOU SHOOT THE ALTAR?!
Scout: I pick up some of the snow.
Me(dm): Its snow. And your hand is cold.
Scout: *turns to mage* Is this magic snow? *starts to put it in his backpack*
Me: *to the mage* No. Its snow.
Mage: Its so magical your hand is going to melt off.
Scout: Really?
Mage: No, idiot, its $@#&ing snow. Put it down and help me find something valuable.
3rd Edition? Amateurs. DJ, gimme one of those beats...
Ridin into town on my heavy warhorse
Here to spend my loot all on the ale and the whores
I start hearin’ all these numbers gettin’ tossed round the vine
I hear three and a four and a three-point-five
What they talkin’ bout, well I just don’t know
Cause I’m Second Edition, and that’s how I roll
When I do initiative, it don’t take all night
Bastard sword in my left hand, d10 in my right
Got no modifiers, don’t have to do sums
Then I just lay back and I take it as it comes
I can take on the world, at Armor Class 0
Cause I’m Second Edition, and that’s how I roll
The only “feats” I know hold up my boots
While I’m stompin’ on the goblins for their Type C loot
Got elf girls all over and they’re waitin’ for me
Cause they like my “non-weapon proficiencies”
If we throw down boy, fear my low THAC0
Cause I’m Second Edition-
....and that’s how I roll
The following is NOT for those faint of heart or below 18 years of age... probably. Or for those who hate inuendoes, for that matter.
The PCs were sent out to deal with a group of thieves, who had just pick-pocketed a lot of commoners during a festival, but screwed up on Operation "Why the hell are we still hanging around here?". Everything was going seriously and even ahead of schedule, but things fell apart during the last encounter against the thieves. The Deva Invoker had just summoned an Angelic Protector, to attack in melee, while he could stand back and be safe.
The horrible part comes now. WARNING: The following qualified for a PG-18 rating.
The Bandit Leader's turn comes up. Since the Angel is standing next to him, he can use his crossbow to attack at a distance, so, quote, "he pulls out his Longspear and assaults the Angel with it." Somehow, the Players got some very... inappropriate visions in their heads. Things only got worse when the Human Thugs "pulled out their clubs and rushed at the Angel".
Somehow, we just couldn't stand the temptation to freak out a fellow player who couldn't play today.
Psion: "Hello... We need problems!"
Warden: "You mean we 'have' problems, right?"
Psion: "A Bandit Leader has just stuck his longspear into the Invoker's Angel and now it's stuck. We don't dare take it out ourselves."
Sorceror: "O... kay... ?"
Psion: "And now the Thugs are rushing at the Angel with their clubs!"
Sorceror: *click* (hangs up on us)
Sadly, we couldn't get on with the encounter for the next good ten minutes.
One of the players in my group, a friend of mine who had been doing nothing but spitting out one liners all night, stands above the nevromancer as he lay on the ground. The player then pulled out his twin revolvers with deamon magic enchantment (we played a sci-fi game/fantasy game), pointed them at the necromancer's face, and says- "I'm not here for your entertainment." And shoots the necromancer in the face, killing him.
The best part was a few months later Fallout 3 came out and I found out that an NPC in Fallout was given the exact same line when you talk to him.
Also the 2e ryme was the best thing ever. I give my cudos to the person who wrote it.
Party: chatter explosives chatter chatter lockpicking? chatter chatter electronics chatter chatter
Me: Enough. I'm just going to kick it in!
Party:
GM:
OK.Me: *checkign how many chips(one-use bonuses to rolls) I have* Ok... *rolls, and uses low chips to reroll until he gets a critical succes* 20! Now I can roll another... 20!
Party and GM:
Me: I'll use medium chip to add to that... 17! I'll spend a high chip on top of that... 12!
Party/GM:
Me: Hmmm... I have this ultra rare legendary black chip... I'll throw it in! Another 20, yes! So I used this much chi and the stance of über kicks... 97. Is that enough?
GM: ...yes, that IS way off the DC scale, after all. You jump with your leg glowing and making a constant humming sound. Your kick lands in the middle of the door, and the force of impact disturbs the dust everywhere in the room. With a loud creaking of tortured metal, the door first beds, the cracks as the very concrete around its hinges crumbles. With a loud, echoing sound it cracks, and crumbles down on the floor with chunks of concrete.
Me: I call him Mr. Leg! Boo-yah! What's the suspicious guide guy doing?
GM: Roll perception.
Me: *rolls*
GM: He pissed his pants.
Party: Ok ok, lets look in to the corridor, what do we see?
GM: The corridor looks like it used to be some sort of clean area. At the other end, there's a door exactly like this one.
Party: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
Little girl (one of the other PC's): *walks ot the next door and bypasses the electronic lock in 15 seconds* You coming?
Me:
Party/GM:
Mage: I collect shadow lake water!!!
Dm: ? okay its shadow lake water?
Mage: is it magical?
Dm: Its shadow lake water with kraken piss.
Mage: but is the water magical?
Dm: its kraken piss dude.
While trying out a voice-altering feature on the VT, I tried "Orc," because by character was one. Someone said, "You sound like a" and I couldn't understand the rest. I asked, "Did you say bug or bunny?" Someone else wrote in the chat box, "That would be one creepy bunny!"
Player: How deep are the pits?
DM: Deep enough to die.
Rufo (Human Fighter), after the second miss with a reliable attack, abysmal attack rolls both times: "And as a minor action, I will curse."
Me, OOC, to Rufo, after the third miss, this time being a natural 1: "Stop hittin' yerself, Rufo, stop hittin' yerself!"
Rufo's Player: At least I'm hitting SOMETHING.
The thri-kreen died. As he was making death saving throws, we had the obligatory "I'm not dead yet" Monty Python references, followed by the Dead Parrot references when he finally died. ("This! is an EX... THRI-KREEN!!" "He's pining for the fjords!") Keep in mind that 'kreen have exoskeletons.
Player: Can I pick up a piece of him that's big enough to use as a melee weapon?
So, that player weilded a Thri-Kreen leg for the rest of the encounter.
Good times.
Me: As the guard turns around I pick his pocket and wave his coin pouch in his face asking "do I win?"
Party: Aldorious, what do all these runes do?
Aldorious (Me): How the hell should I know?! I stopped trying to understand magic a decade ago, now I just study it.
DM: *fifteen minutes of laughter*
Playing a bard named Denerik.
Cleric: Onward -
Denerik: And downward!
Cleric: - to victory and glory!
Denerik: And death! And riches! But mostly the death...
First, the party
Luthazar-dwarven warlord
Elrith
First, the party
Luthazar-dwarven warlord
Elrith-human warlock or sorcerer (forgot)
Forgot his name(fhn)-elhadrin ranger
Tesso
First, the party
Luthazar-dwarven warlord
Elrith-human warlock or sorcerer (forgot)
Forgot his name(fhn)-elhadrin ranger
Tesso-undisclosed race and class
Alendair/Mr.Scruffy-human fighter(me)
I had wandered off into a forest, and had eventually been cornered in an abandoned mansion, surrounded by "zombies" I found a couple closets, a wooden spoon (VERY important) and a magical sword, which was named "Krieigg" the most evil and powerful sword to ever exist (pronouncing his name is "Kreg") my fighter is also chaotic evil. "Kreg" hadn't spoken yet so I was running around the house ripping door off their hinges, Savin my life twice. I threw the wooden spoon qt some that got in (because it was funny)
Well, I hit t in the face with the spoon, which the stands straight up, and flew back to my hand right after a meteor hit that spot. So I threw the spoon again, and it liquified 3 zombies into one that had a speed of 6 instead of 1 (it was still one shotted) and he eventually boarded himself in the closet with a 2x4 for a bit, until he rolled a straight check, (got a 20) and gotto leave, no damage, with 10 pounds of the meteor, and 3 pounds of dust from te meteor.
Later, he spoke to Kreg, who forced him to do evil things. TRULY evil things.
Me-you want me to do what?
Kreg-you must untie those ropes and retie them in te next spot! It shall make them spend HOURS fixing it! It's eeeeevil
First, the party
Luthazar-dwarven warlord
Elrith-human warlock or sorcerer (forgot)
Forgot his name(fhn)-elhadrin ranger
Tesso-undisclosed race and class
Alendair/Mr.Scruffy-human fighter(me)
I had wandered off into a forest, and had eventually been cornered in an abandoned mansion, surrounded by "zombies" I found a couple closets, a wooden spoon (VERY important) and a magical sword, which was named "Krieigg" the most evil and powerful sword to ever exist (pronouncing his name is "Kreg") my fighter is also chaotic evil. "Kreg" hadn't spoken yet so I was running around the house ripping door off their hinges, Savin my life twice. I threw the wooden spoon qt some that got in (because it was funny)
Well, I hit t in the face with the spoon, which the stands straight up, and flew back to my hand right after a meteor hit that spot. So I threw the spoon again, and it liquified 3 zombies into one that had a speed of 6 instead of 1 (it was still one shotted) and he eventually boarded himself in the closet with a 2x4 for a bit, until he rolled a straight check, (got a 20) and gotto leave, no damage, with 10 pounds of the meteor, and 3 pounds of dust from te meteor.
Later, he spoke to Kreg, who forced him to do evil things. TRULY evil things.
Me-you want me to do what?
Kreg-you must untie those ropes and retie them in te next spot! It shall make them spend HOURS fixing it! It's eeeeevil!
Me-ok....
Later
Kreg-now, unlock all the ports but these two! They shall have to close them, and I will ruin their goods, causing economies to crash, kings to fall!
Me-how?
Kreg-because they will spend time closing them! Now do it! I command you!
Kreg takes over your mind against will with a +500 or sOmething. You can't disobey him. He is chaoic "evil" remember.
Oh, and that spoon is incredibly dangerous, morons stuff, makes stuff heavy, etc.
Thom the human Battlemind (aka Shifty) moves amongst the crowd and through his insight realizes there are people in the crowd who aren't part of the angry mob. He signals to the others in the group. Bagus the human fighter rolls a perception check and spots a guy who is wearing armor and is armed with a longsword.
At this point Kossa, the Drow Rogue/Barbarian manages to sneak in and confirm the medicine is in the warehouse. Then, when Jake the human artificer moves toward the entrance to the warehouse. This causes the guy with the longsword to toss away his cloak, run through the innocents standing between him and Jake.
At this point I thought had a great entrance for the enemies of this encounter forgetting to take into account my players and the fact I let them use these cards called "Drama Cards" someone on the forums linked to.
Jake's player pulled the card Shame which causes something harmless but embarassing to happen to the target.
Me: What embarassing happens to this guard?
Jake: (after a round table of the players suggestions) His pants fall down.
Me: Ok, now his pants don't just fall down they basically fall apart at the seems.
Balgus: Wait *smirks and hands me a card which causes something seemingly harmless to become dangerous*
Me: *facepalm* His pants don't fall apart, they suddenly burst into flames for no reason and he takes 1d10 fire damage.
Then Balgus, Jake and Kossa proceeded to lay a beatdown on the pantless and burned guard.
"This was a triumph. I am making a note here, HUGE SUCCESS! It's hard to overstate my satisfaction."
After the celebration I said: "Well look at me still talking when there's science to do. When I look around it makes me GLaD I'm not you. I've experiments to run, there is research to be done on the people who are still alive. Cya l8r." Now I head back to the research facility with my new artifacts and continue my work.
Samus Aran FTW LOLZ!!!
Player2: I was arrested for murder.
Player1: ...which one?
Player2: Well. We did murder about 8 hobos last night. I should mention.
Player1: WHAT!?!
Player2: It was FOR a good reason; we were trying to summon a demon god.
The party enters a really poor village. People are begging for money and food! Some people are even dead, in the streets!
The priest and the Paladins gave some pieces to the poors.
Then the Rogue says...
Rogue:I'm starting to cry! ( And he's faking to cry! )
DM: OK...
Rogue: Then I take two gold pieces...And wipe my tears with them!!!
We all laughed so hard, Imagining the faces of the people!
Then...
The Paladin slapped the hands of the rogue so he dropped his two gold pieces on the gound....
Rogue:NO!!! MY GOLD PIECES! ( And he cries...for real!!! )
We laughed again!!!
I really loved these two players!!! Always giving moments like this one!
((This was originally posted in the First 'Best Lines Ever' Thread - it was unlocked and had some recent posts. Unsure of whether it belongs here or there, I shall post it again here, as with any further posts of this nature))
For the past year I have been a DM for a Party known as the Large Rusty Metal Bolts Adventuring Company. A Strange name for a wonderfully strange group of friends!
~In Rust we Trust~
Here’s our cast of Characters:
Myself – The DM and our wonderful NPCs, BBEGs, and Companion characters
Domenico Dwarfposito; A Spanish Dwarf Fighter.
Neris Greyden; an Amnesiac Tiefling Ranger with a Panther Beast companion.
Daunikir de Darque; A Tiefling Rogue whom left a crime syndicate.
Ahozalon Oxheart; A Dragonborn Fighter and apparently the Bastard Son of a Dragonborn Noble.
Faeron Dawnember; An Eladrin Paladin cursed to appear as a Drow.
Our origins of hilarity begin with the ‘Essentials’ Red Box starter kit, and the heavily modified Twisting Halls adventure I ran my group through.
(Character creation)
DM: Ok, you have 10 gold left.
Faeron: Flasks, I want to buy flasks.
DM: Ok Flasks are 3 copper each. How many do you want?
Faeron: Oh really? In that case I’ll take as many as I can afford!
DM: That’s… that’s over 300 flasks. How can you POSSIBLY carry 300 flasks!!
Faeron: Oh, on my belt.
DM: Each flask is one pound…
(Daunikirs Introduction to the adventure)
DM: Daunikir, you find yourself in a dark wooded area. You hear the sound of chittering voices, though you cannot place the language.
Daunikir: I slowly draw my dagger.
DM: You realize that your hands and feet have already been bound, and the sounds get closer.
Daunikir: I have low-light vision, can I make anything out in the darkness?
DM: You can see silhouettes of many short, reptilian creatures moving towards you.
Daunikir: Oh great, am I being raped by Kobolds?
(Domenico’s Conundrum)
Domenico: So the Adventurers kit is a backpack containing an adventurers kit, that has a backpack inside of it that holds an adventurers kit?
(It was as this point that Domenico’s Player slumped over onto the floor in the fetal position. We have pictures.)
While escaping from guards in the city, he tries to hide in a home that's occupied by a grotesque and ugly old lady. The guards leave, the old lady says he has to return the favor or she'll call the guards back.
Me: the old woman asks you to take her to her bed.
PC, visibly distraught: okay, I help her over to her bed.
Me: she asks you to take off her shoes.
PC, sighs: I take off her shoes.
Me: she asks you to take her blouse off next.
*The entire room goes dead silent at this point, eager smiles on everyone's face except the PC*
PC: I ... I take ... Oh *#$& I can't do this. I throw the old woman a few coins and jump back out the window.
Me: She starts shouting for the guards.
And the chase continued
Massive group of over-powered characters in a high level game. Everybody except my friend is horribly overpowered and bragging about their characters being to badass.
DM explains they have to rescue a princess who was kidnapped and taken to a huge temple guarded to the teeth. Someone brought cookies DM grabs last cookie puts it behind his DM screen.
After about 30 min discussion on how to enter this temple, my friend says this:
"You know we can solve this entire issue without even going into the dungeon. You sir are a Arcane Archer for the last fifteen minutes you have been bragging about everything you can do with your arrows and what spells you can add to them. Make an arrow that will find her and cast teleport on it. You fire the arrow it will kill her but her body will arrive here. The Cleric brings her back to life, we get paid our gold and we can all go home."
At that moment the DM reaches out from over his screen and replies "You get the last cookie."
I was in a group of characters that didn't know me and we were feeling each other out RP wise. I had already drunk the Half-Orc Barbarian under the table and killed some non-human bigot. After that we sat around a bar table and had a discussion on our recent adventures. The Gnome was asking the questions and there was an elven ranger who my character had tried to get with all night in the group who kept shooting me down.
Gnome: "So Logan right? We are going up against a Wizard, are you going to have a problem with that?"
Logan: "Are you suggesting that I'm afraid of magic shorty?"
Gnome: "No and you like two inches taller than me. Some barbarian are fearful of magic. Are you?"
Logan: "No in fact the last encounter I had with a bad wizard I was the one who ended his life."
Gnome: "Oh really! Fantastic! How did his evil come to an end?"
Logan: "What?" (Logan was dummber than a barrel of rocks)
Gnome: "How did you kill him?"
Logan: "Oh I got disarmed so I beat him to death with his spell book."
DM: "What was that?"
Gnome: "You beat a wizard to death...with his OWN spell book?"
Logan: "Yep." ( I then showed the DM my sheet and he described me producing an arcane spellbook with blood still on the cover and binding).
Hot Elven Ranger: "So uh what are you doing later tonight Logan?"
This happened in a recent 3.5 game. Our DM was describing the campaign setting to us as such...
DM: "In this world, magic flows outward from the center of the earth. It manifests in a system of veins, and magic intensity is based off of how close-"
Human Ranger-Daniel Larusso(Interrupting): "Oh does this world also have a digestive system and a skeletal system too?"
later on in the game, the DM was introducing us to the leader of our bounty hunting company, Sask the half-orc.
DM: "Sask stands over six feet tall, and he still bears the scars he obtained while he was in his former gang."
Daniel:"Ok, so just to be clear, his name is Socks?"
DM: "no, his name is Sask, and he was part of one of the cities most violent gangs, he will kill you if-"
Daniel: "Oh i'm sure Socks was very important in the laundry hamper gang, right after jeans and under shirt."
The Sask/Socks mix up continued for the rest of the night, and probably will for the rest of the campaign.
Eventually we got down to the sewers and started fighting giant rats. Il Duce the halfling gunslinger had up until this point been riding in Daniel's backpack Master Blaster style. Eventually however, a rat swarm attacked and he decided to run for it.
Il Duce: "I climb out of the backpack and run-"
Daniel: "Make a strength check!"
Dm:"You don't get to tell him to do that. What does he even need it for?"
Daniel:"He has to beat mine if he wants to get out of the bag!"
Daniel then proceeded to beat Il Duce's strength check, and stuff him back into the bag before tying it shut.