*Discussing the upcoming mission*
Male rogue - We're not going to do it. It's stupid. Why should we trust these guys to do what they say. Additionally, why should we give them a dragon? It's just going to grow up and eat us!
Female Druid - I'll sleep with you.
Male Rogue - OK.
*In an ancient burial mound, trying to rescue a baby "red" dragon for kobolds*
Fighter - I am going to cut the rope bridge!
Druid - NO! We need to use the bridge to get across and get the dragon!
Fighter - There are goblins shooting at us from the other side! I'm cutting the rope!
Druid - Don't cut the rope! Don't cut the rope!
*RAWR*
Druid - CUT THE ROPE! CUT THE ROPE!
*After rescuing the dragon and now attempting to escape. 2 of the players have already been hurt by the writhing form of the baby WHITE dragon, painted red and are running off*
Druid - I turn so that the dragon is facing the goblins. They won't hurt the dragon and he provides me with cover.
DM - the dragon hits the goblin in front of you with his breath weapon and *rattle rattle* his claw *rattle rattle* and his bite. The goblin goes down.
Druid -
:D I have a semi-automatic dragon.Recently I was playing a noble negotiating with another noble for permission to establish a trade post and a minotaur who was traveling with us accused me of coming to enslave them (he then told me a dromite PC convinced him that this was true). Me and the DM were a little tired, and we thought the dromite came in to laugh about it, so I asked the minotaur "You mean that dromite?" My friend informed us that he never entered the room, so the first thing that came to my mind and out my lips were "made you look?". Everyone laughed a couple of minutes afterward.
Female: Pah! Where are those oafs?
Male: Do you mean the orcs, mistress?
Female: Of course I mean the orcs, fool! An orc is a type of oaf!
Needless to say we had to end the session there, we were overwhelmed with laughter and whipped out Munchkin.
1. From a Ninja and Super Spies one shot adventure, my hero (the gun toting, Rambo like individual) was aiming his undermount grenade launcher at the record store in the mall. From behind him, his team member shots, "We are not supposed to damage the building!"
My characters only response, "I'll pay for it."
Then a nice and quiet KA-BOOM. . . .I got the bad guy though
2. In the climatic fight with the BBEG, the parties Knight and Ranger were fighting with the BBEG. The knight spent the entire time shouting taunts and snipets of the evil things the BBEG did when the two worked together. With a lucky called shot, the BBEG stabbed the Knight in the throat, slicing his larinx in half. With the sword still in place, the BBEG pulled the player close and whispered, "I told you to be quiet."
Real simple line, but it was the delivery, and the player still talks about that moment to this day. He was really thrilled when we later ran a campaign on the same world, and the first of the major NPCs he met was his old character, complete with the nasty scar and inability to talk.
My Thief starts checking around to make sure everything's safe, catastrophically fails roll, the DM says "you all hear a grating of stone against stone..."
Eyes wide, my Thief turns back to the party "Oops?"
:D
(as a side note, nobody survived that one, and "oops" was the last thing they heard)
The last thing my character ever said, as he came up to the entrance was:
"Oh, neat the entrance looks like a Dragons mouth"
And then I told the Dm:
"I enter".
Need I say;
the session was 9-10 hours old and
I was the party thief.
And it was not a entrance!!
Evil O
DM: You see a gigundular bipedal creature with giant teeth, claws, and horns stomping towards the temple. Make a Will Save.
Cleric: Okay, 34. Does that make it?
DM: Yes.
Me (Bladesinger): Um, does 27 make it?
DM: Yes.
Ranger: Does 30 make it?
DM: Yes. Okay, roll for initiative.
So initiative goes like this: Tarrasque, Cleric, Me, Ranger.
DM: The Tarrasque rushes forward and attacks you (the Ranger). *rolls dice* He hits you with two claws and a bite. Make a Grapple check.
Ranger: Um, 15.
DM: You are swallowed whole.
So, the Cleric activates a couple of buffs on himself and begins taunting the Tarrasque (yes, taunting), I cast True Strike in myself, and the Ranger cuts his way out of the Tarrasque's stomach.
DM: The Tarrasque steps forward and attacks you (to the Cleric). *rolls dice* Make a Grapple check.
Cleric: No point, I want to be swallowed.
DM:
Okay. You're swallowed whole.Cleric: I activate my 9th level domain spell, Prismatic Sphere.
DM:
Um, okay. Make a Spellcraft check.Cleric: Does 53 make it? (We used the +10 from nat 20 roll rule variant.)
DM: Yep.
Cleric: The save DC for the spell effects is (insert some ungodly high number).
DM: *rolls dice* Saves vs. Red. Saves vs. Orange. Saves vs. Yellow. Saves vs. Green. Saves vs. Blue. Saves vs. Indigo. Fails vs. Violet.
*rolls dice* Sent to the Nine Hells. *rolls dice* Sent to Asmodeus' personal residence. :OMG! 
Everyone else:
Needless to say, it was one of the more funny moments (especially considering that the DM mentioned he had wanted to include some plane-hopping the day before; I don't think he had just that particular situation in mind).
Me: All right Drow. I'll ask you one last time. Surrender to me and we promiss a quick death.
Drow: For the last time Stop Asking me!
First playing in a second edition game, my wife, and our two friends (also a married couple, still game with them 16 years later...). I don't even remember what I was playing but my wife was trying a PSI character for the first (and only time).
Renee goes to refill soda f Steve : Everyone Roll initiative.
Me : Roll low
Renee : Roll low
Steve's wife : Roll low
Steve: Kobolds roll high
Steve: Kobold throws a spear at Renee.
Steve: Critical, (using house rule insta kill) your'e dead.
From that day forward "Bribing the DM" with Coke is a dead sure way to die. We still say "not a bribe" when filling Steve's glass.
Second, same players I was DM'ing first edition Shadowrun, the group had just had a firefight with a gang (I5ers if you know old Shadowrun) and had knocked one unconscious stuffed them in the back of their rented limo and continued the running fire fight.
Three days later, after several more run ins with the gang,
Steve: You know we still don’t know why they are trying to kill
Gay: We should try to capture one and interrogate them…
Renee:
what ever happened to the one we stuck in the trunk? We laughed for several minutes then they preceded to the interrogation...
A long story short, I get information that leads to the arrest of a gang of thieves in a city, and reports to the authorities to get the reward (150 gp). But I never checked the house they were in. Later, two other in my party (Beduin types) check the thieves house along with Mamelukes (guards), and of course find a magic item.
Later, whn they tell I say (while shaking all over)
me: You found a magic item?
they: yes
me: and you gave it to the mamelukes?
they: yes (nodding vigerously)
me:.... well... as is the right thing to do isn't it? (trembling, eyes twitching)
Ah, guess you had to be there.
Just a snipit from that thread. Background is, we were forced to be allied with an evil dragon by our inept DM. My friend, Galahad, had just gotten through explaining to the DM that being forcibly allied with an evil dragon goes against his character concept.
At this point my DM got really flustered and informed me that the dragon didn’t give any specific orders other than to look for towns that would be easy for him to conquer. While I am still arguing with him about why I wanted to get rid of my character and make an independent one, one of the other players made a suggestion that completely turned my mood around. (Thanks, Tom!)
THE TOWER OF EXAGGERATED SORCERY!!!
We then send a message to the dragon (he gave us an item that gives us a telepathic bond) that the Tower of Exaggerated Sorcery would be ideal for him to conquer. The plan was basically this: the wizards there are too incompetent to deal with this dragon, who, by the way, was not susceptible to whatever force it was that made every mage a half-caster. He lays siege to the tower, and we make plans to come back the next day and walk proudly through the rubble.
If the dragon wins, I feel vindicated because (a) my character had an antagonistic relationship with the wizards all along and (b) the DM doesn’t have his precious magical stronghold anymore. Then I can quit this game with a feeling of satisfaction, which I knew I’d be doing anyway by the end of the night.
If the tower wins, I go back to the town of dragon-worshippers and tell them I’m their new god, which would put an interesting new spin on the campaign storyline. It’s a no-lose situation.
Well, we arrived the day after the assault, and much to my consternation, the tower was still standing. My character knocked on the door, expecting that the only survivors would be badly wounded, only to find the usual terse, rude, impossibly high-level mages, at full health to boot. They informed me that the dragon attacked, but fled while they held their ground. For some reason, I decided to show them the rune on my back, and they just took me to a waiting room. When they returned, they knew I was the one who sent the dragon. I later found out that they had cast contact other plane, which is suspicious coming from wizards who were too busy to cast detect magic. More suspicious was the fact that the DM never rolled any of the failure chances for the questions, and each question is answered in a one-word answer, making it very hard to find out exactly who told the dragon to attack.
At this point, I was really frustrated with the endless nerfs I was being hit with, and I decided that if my character can’t commit suicide without a lecture, he’s going to die trying to kill the mages. The result was that I got hit by 5 hold persons, and was transported (somehow, because teleport only works on willing creatures) to another room. There, they removed the rune on my character’s back, and put on a new one. I was told that if I ever returned to the tower, I would be disintegrated on sight.
At this point, I was determined to watch the tower fall before I quit this campaign permanently. I called up the dragon, and said to him, “You didn’t finish the job.”
Long read, but so worth it
So
to Galahad DM (me): A messenger arrives at your inn with a letter from your mysterious benefactor.
Fighter: Alright, I take the letter and tip the messenger. I open it and start to read.
I read the contents of the letter out loud (which detail the dungeon's entrances and exits, some of the creatures within, etc), and when I finish, the wizard responds with this:
Wizard (apparently speaking to the letter): What else can you tell us about the creatures within the dungeon? How many are there? What types? Do they have reinforcements? Do they have shift changes, and if so, when do they change?
DM:
Fighter:
Wizard: What?
Fighter: Dude, parchment can't speak.
DM & Fighter:
Agatha (barbarian): At least they left your sword hand alone.
Dwight: Th-that was... my.... my sword hand...
Agatha: That's alright. You were a pretty awful warrior to begin with.
Dwight: My father... he'll be so dissapointed...
Agatha: From what we heard he disowned you. Actually, I have a letter here with me.
*Agatha pulls out a letter she found earlier, from Dwight's father to the BBEG
Agatha: Yeah. He said he refused to pay your ransom. Something about how you'd die sooner or later anyway.
Dwight: ....sob....
Agatha: Er, you okay buddy? Something I said?
On another occasion, a player decided to try something er, new and unusual. This brought out the dark side of the party fighter.
Malko (new character): Greetings! I am Malko! I have heard much of your great deeds and wish to join you!
Thornix (party fighter): Hello, Malko.
Hod (rogue): We're flattered by your compliments. So, what could you bring to our merry band?
Malko: I'm glad you asked. As you can see by my fullplate, I'm well equipped for battle. Yet, within seconds I can remove this harness and cast all of my spells! In fact, with a small chance of failure I can even demonstrate my magical powers WITH the armor ON!
Thornix' player: ...
Hod's player: .... you did know this campaign took place in the DESERT, right?
Malko's player: Yeah, but you know. Who cares. It's not like we'll be in the hot part too much.
Thornix's player: DM? Would it be an evil act to kill this guy? Someone's bound to soon, that is unless he blunders off into the desert alone in his FULL PLATE.
As it happened, after a few sessions Malko blundered off alone into the desert to solo some orcs. As it happened, an orc soloed him. Exit Malko. Incidentally, the player's replacement PC, a wizard named Pancho, became an enduring and beloved comic relief character of the campaign. Go figure.
Mayor's Butler (bruised and battered): Hello? Oh! Y-y-you!
Pancho (abashed): I want to apologize. For, you know. Punching you the other day.
Mayor's Butler: Th-th-think nothing of it, s-s-s-s-sir.
Pancho: I'm glad you understand. I baked you this cake. Actually, I bought it. But let's pretend, between you and me, that I baked it.
Mayor's Butler: ...th-thanks.
Adventurer's League Secretary: All registering groups must submit an official name for thier party/band/troupe or other affiliated unit.
Agatha: Hrmm...
Thornix: This might take awhile. We want a great name for ourselves.
Dwight: Something with 'blood' in it? Or 'sword'? Or 'razor'? How about the 'razor blood swords'?
Pancho: I like... 'Pancho's Kaboomers'!!
Agatha: NO!
Thornix: NO!!
Secretary: Pancho's Kaboomers it is.
Pancho: Father! Priest! You there!
Priest: Greetings, my son. May the gods smile on you today.
Pancho: My friend has been affected with a horrible curse. Remove it!
Priest: Hmm. This looks to be beyond my abilities.
Pancho: What do you mean? Just cast Remove Curse, or Heal. Or something.
Priest: Why, those spells are only granted to the mightiest of clerics. I am but a humble acolyte.
Pancho: You can't cast a simple 6th level spell? Are you kidding me?
Priest: 'Sixth level'...? I... I misunderstand, I think.
Pancho: Come on. Can you even make undead?
Priest: Make undead?! Why, I never--!
Pancho: Come on. Cure me. Cure my HP big shot. Show me your spells, pal. Come on.
*Priest casts Cure Minor Wounds.
Pancho: 1 HP. Cure Minor Wounds. I punch the priest.
DM: You punch the priest!?
Pancho: Yeah. I got a 15, plus... alright. Do I hit him?
DM: Uh. Yes.
Pancho: Ok. 5 damage.
DM: 5 damage. You slam your fist into the PRIEST OF HUMILITY AND PEACE'S face, cracking his nose and causing a huge black welt over his eye. He crumples onto a nearby pew with a choked groan.
Pancho: Oops. I throw 50 gp on him, to show no hard feelings.
DM: Alright. As you pelt the unconscious priest with your chunks of metal, you hear the stifled sobs of orphans and farmer's wives from the doorstep.
Pancho: Hrmn. I'm not Chaotic Good anymore, am I...?
DM: No. No you're not.
That's great stuff. Kinda Blackmage-esque, but still... :heehee
The party: Elven Fighter/Mage imported from a generic D&D world, Irda Mage(White Robes)/Cleric(Solinari) imported from Dragonlance, Avariel(as per the Dragon magazine version) Fighter imported from a generic D&D world (male player, female character ... and quite possibly the reason why none of my other players has considered the idea since), and an Elf Ranger.
After a series of incredibly poor choices, the fighter/mage decides the only reasonable course of action is to fireball a village full of Sithican Kender. The cleric of course took exception to this and, using the element of surprise, he pummeled and then bound and gagged the offending elf (named Tim). He then located his companion's spellbook, and confiscated it, saying (in his best "angry parent" voice),
"Now, you can have this back whe you learn to behave."
During this time, the Ranger has managed to acquire a Giant Stag Beetle (the preferred mount of Sithican elves) , which he promptly names "Timzanidiot."
Hey, it's funnier at 3am.
This last one's funnier without a setup:
Player:
"I fall to my knees and scream 'I'm sorry!' to the heavens."DM:
"Oddly enough, she doesn't come back to life." *rolls* "You just failed a Dark Powers Check." :Dsnip.
ROTFLMAO! Great stuff, haven't laughed so hard this month!
Kaxes (Rogue): We should sneak in!
Ray (Fighter): Some are not stealthy enough, clearly we must storm the gate!
Me (Sorceror): I. Can. Make. You. Fly.
Just the way I apparently said it was funny. It was a "No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die" kind of voice. Also kind of funny how everyone wanted to do things respective to their class.
Another situation involving the heritage of Ray, our fighter. Earlier in the campaign he was seduced by a succubus who sucked out a good amount of constitution before we rescued him. At that point the succubus ran and dissapeared into shadow. Now this is later on.
Asmodeus (Ray's brother, stole the name when he killed the real Asmodeus): Well here we have the entire family here, huh Ray?
Ray: Well technically most of you are undead. And the succubus isnt related.
Asmodeus: Yes. She is.
Me OOC: Dude you did your sister!
Ray: This is about the point that I commit sebbekku
3.5, low level party. A human fighter who is an ex-fisherman (uses harpoons and what-not), a Neraph Ranger (this is a really cool race with no LA), and a cleric of nerull.
A barfight breaks out in the tavern we are all in. Y'know, people start fighting, breaking bottles etc. The PCs all join in. Everything is going well, 'till one of the drunks smashes Rusty Shackleford (the fighter) over the head with a bottle.
DM: "Okay, one of the drunks swings at you with a wine bottle." *rolls* "He hits you for 4 damage, and the bottle smashes into pieces."
Rusty: OOC "Lethal or non-lethal damage!?"
DM: "Lethal."
Rusty: "Okay." *rolls dice*
DM: "What are you doing?"
Rusty: "I'm impaling the guy on my harpoon."
DM: "What!?"
Rusty: *looks at dice* "Natural 20! Rolling to confirm..."
Everyone else: *stares anxiously at the rolling dice*
Rusty: "A total of 18, he's mine!"
DM: "Okay, you turn and impale the poor sap on your massive harpoon, he yelps a little then just gurgles and slumps over..."
The rest of the party members decided to start killing all the drunks. It was a blood bath. They didn't know the RULES of barfights (i.e., NO KILLING!).
The leader of our group, the samurai, was negotiating with the dragon turtle and was actually about to convince him to let us enter the portal, when out of nowhere the shukenja....
Shukenja: "I open my bag and bring out the rod I found the other day"
DM: "Ok, it's a metal rod about 2' long topped with a blue crystal"
Shukenja: "I look if there is anything written on it."
DM: "There are some words etched on the side"
Shukenja:"Ok I read the words.....LIGHTNINGCRUSHES"
A chain lightning effect escapes from the rod and hits the water around the island, killing all the crab spirits and stunning the now mad dragon tutle. the shukenja and I run for the portal while the noble samurai is left to provide cover from the turtle's breath weapon
In another session with the same characters. While journeying to the frozen north, we (me and the samurai) were captured by tentacled ice creatures deep underground, with the shukenja the only one able to escape to the surface. At the surface the first thing he did was.....
Shukenja: "I bring out and use my dragon coin of wishing"
DM: "OK, a ray of golden light shoots from the coin up to the sky, where a
serpentine dragon appears (think dragonball) and asks for your wish"
Me and the Samurai together: " Great Thinking, ask it to teleport us out
of here"
Shukenja: (In a bold tone) "I wish for a weapon to defeat my enemies"
DM: Granted, heres a flaming mace. Farewell"
And so the holy shukenja (who cannot harm anyone) once again venturred underground armed with his +1 flaming mace, burning all the ice monsters on his way and freeing his captured companions :D
Angry and concerned Rogue: Just what do you think you were doing back there, (w)itch??!!
Ranger, in a voice that could kick start the Ice Age: If you ever call me a (w)itch again, you'd better have your sword in your hand, because I'm going to draw mine and start swinging.
2 of them in range of my Prismatic Spray, 4 Innocents in the way.
My mage: "Acceptable Collateral damage"
Proceeds to Cast on innocents.
We're currently in cages on wagons, getting carted off who knows where.
Me: Okay, once we get into the Qualinesti forest, I can use the 'forest-speak' of the Qualinesti Elves to let them know to break us out.
Other player: Yeah, sure, right, what are you, the King of the Qualinesti Elves?
Me: No. pause. I'm the Son of the King of the Qualinesti Elves.
Other player: Oh. Well, okay, then. I guess you can do that.
Rogue: So, let me get this straight. I told the entire story of what happened between the emperor and myself, while drunk, to the sea elf who turned out to be one of the pirates we were looking for in the first place.
Cleric: Right...
Rogue: I then turn around, after being waylaid by the pirate and tell the whole thing to someone else... Who just happens to be a good friend of the emperor's.
Cleric: Oh, I'm not a good friend of the emperor's. I have only known him for a little over 20 years.
Rogue: But the emperor is only 31.
Cleric: Right, and my 21st birthday is next month.
Rogue:
Cleric: I do know what my brother likes and dislikes.
Rogue: :OMG!
Fighter on the incredible jump and tumble skills of the fighter/rogue:
"He has a Matrix-mode"
On her own whirlwind-attack:
"I have a blender mode"[/i]
The bard:
"And I have Depeche Mode"
The bard:
"And I have Depeche Mode"
:heehee
Barbarian: (walks into Scottish themed town tavern)
Man: What can I get you?
Barb: Are you wearing a dress?
Man: NO!
Barb: It looks like a dress.
Man: It's a kilt.
Barb: Not a dress.
Man: It's a kilt. Women wear dresses. This is a kilt!
Barb: A man dress..
man: (very angry now) It's a kilt and I suggest you remember it.
Barb: Uh...yeh..okay...
Time passes. Drinking. Waiting...
Woman: (runs into the tavern, weeping unconsolably)
Man: What's wrong?!
Woman: It's terrible...limb from limb...*SOB*...my poor boys
Man: No...say it's not so...tell me they're alright!
Woman: They've been killed!
Barb: Don't you mean kilt?
Shut down the game for 15 minutes.
After fighting through several monsters and the gnome giving them next to no information about where they were heading (because he was "just a recruit" and didn't know the lay of the fortress), they come across a darkened hallway. Down the hallway, they see what looks like a faintly glowing sword (actually a gelatinous cube with a magic sword stuck in it) and the party, already beat up by Shadows, among other things, tells the gnome to check it out. The gnome refuses to go, since he's not likely to survive.
At this point, the half-elven bard suggests "throw the gnome."
So, the ranger grabs the gnome and chucks him down the hallway.
It was just classic. There are still jokes about throwing gnomes and, particularly, that if the players ever meet a badger who throws gnomes, they'll have found the reincarnation of that ranger (who died the same session to a party kill, actually).
The fighter, a dwarf called Duke Raiyn, hates elves, I'd like to mention.
Amethyst: "So, where do you come from?"
Quyinn: "I come from a higher realm of existan-"
Raiyn (Interrupting): "Is it Hell? Do you come from Hell? Hell? Hell? It was Hell, wasn't it?"
- my elven necromancer (using Dragonlance SAGA rules) uttered the most famous dying one-liner while trying desperately (for the first time in his life) to do a good thing and carry a wounded companion over a river of lava on a very weak bridge - and, of course, he failed his Agility test. His last words were: "Oh sh*t!"
- During my time as a DM in an Epic game, I created an artifact called "The Crown of the Serpent People" and it was in the possession of a melancholic greater mummy cleric. When my PCs stumbled into his tomb and tried to escape (the mummy had also tried to escape - for THREE MILLENIA!), he just muttered "escape is futile, escape is futile, escape is futile..." They did escape, though, and took the Crown with them. The mummy was quite pleased to get away from that temple.
- This was my SW character's - Grand Admiral Aeros Haakin of the Empire - favoured liner. Whenever he encountered someone who had betrayed the Empire and he had the means to execute the hapless fellow, he uttered "the punishment for the treason against the Empire is death". What made this even more hilarious was that when he tried to commit suicide my swallowing cyanide after becoming convinced that he was, in fact, an enemy of the Empire too, he uttered those exact same words. And then that blasted haughty Jedi b***h came and stopped him.
DM : There is a massive stake like object in the centre of the room, coming through the ceiling and through a hole in the floor. Where it pierces the floor there is a gap around the circumferance, you can see slightly down to the floor below. There is a mechanism with the amulet you've been searching for in the centre.
Vex : I'll go over and inspect the amulet.
DM : It is fixed into the mechanism. Though it does appear to be part of a wheel.
Vex : Turn it.
DM : The large chonical pillar sinks into the floor, sealing the gap so you can no longer glimpse anything below.
Vex : Hmm......that won't do. That won't do at all. I can't even see the floor below now.
(the rest of the party is going through the gear of a couple of dead Vampire adventurers, ignoring the rather curious Ranger)
Vex : Turn it the other way
DM : What?
Vex : The wheel. Turn it the other way. I want to get a better view of where we came from.
DM : (In a loud voice) You want to turn the wheel.......so that the large stake-like thing moves up and perhaps out of whatever is below?
(Party still comparing swag)
Vex : Yep. As far it goes.
DM : As far as it goes it is then.
At this point a couple of really angry people (a 4-armed snake bird and a Vampire) turn up, one trying to kill Vex because he has just realesed a Vampiric Dragon and the other because Vex is starting to put 2 and 2 together and is looking to turn the wheel back the other way. The rest of the party aren't too sympathetic and decide that it would be best to leave Vex to get himself out of this mess.
The party didn't fair so well after that. The Dragon escaped, Vex got horribly killed and the other memebers of the party reverse gravitied themselves up through the now large hole in the ceiling. The suriving members were not to well liked after that.
(sorry that i posted this to the wrong board the first time)
Officer: Now, what the hell is going on here?
Another PC: Oh, uh, we were just, um, training, sir.
Officer (points at burned soldier): Oh, really? And what the
kind of training is this?Me: Fire safety.
NPC - Are you sure you want to come? We're going boar hunting.
Rogue - Of course I want to come. I've seen boars before, they are big pigs.
NPC - VERY big pigs, with nasty sharp pointy teeth.
Rogue - I have to wonder... If there are really big pigs... What about big chickens?
NPC - ...
...I don't know. Rogue - What about big sheep?
NPC -
I think those would be cattle. Rogue - Well what would big cattle be then?
NPC -
Rogue - :D
NPC - I have to go check out my horse.
DM -- OK, you make camp. Everyone settles in for the night and you see something moving through the woods...
(starts rifling through his papers)
Oh dear. That's not right.
PC1 -- What?
DM -- Well, this monster is in with the wrong group. I pulled out a Kracken.
(Group dissolves into laughter as we debate how a Kracken came to be in the forest.)
PC2 -- He came from a puddle.
PC1 -- You wouldn't really have to roll spot or listen to miss the kracken.
PC3 -- (playing the druid) Hey, can I bite it?
DM -- (confused) Why would you want to bite it?
PC3 -- Then I could have an undead kracken. :D
PC 1: You know this is a bad idea right?
PC 2: Yep.
PC 1: We're still going to do it though?
PC 2: You have a better idea?
PC 1: Other than not going through with your idea? No.
PC 2: Right... so you ready?
PC 1: *sigh* If we die, I'm going to kill you.
PC 2: I know ya will buddy, lets go.
Cleric: "We can't go down there! I'm carrying a halfling!"
Ranger (irritated): "Well, put him down!"
hmmm....it may be one of those "you had to be there" moments. Here's something slightly funnier: in a different game, our group, which included a druid and a rogue who specialized in poison, was planning to drive a young red dragon from a young gold dragon's roost. Before we entered the cave, the group discussed alternatives:
Rogue: "I know! We can poison a sheep, roll it into the cave, then wait for the dragon to eat it and die!"
Druid: *looks at rogue*
Rogue (deadpan, back to druid): "Say, how do you feel about sheep?"
"Ok how many orcs do you see?"
"I see three butterflys!"
"How many orcs?!"
"Whats an orc"
my orcs all missed the cat
my freind using a magical item used to gather information on the size of a room.
::points infront of him::
Readout:100
::just as he's about to turn to face the next wall meter changes::
Readout: 60
"Wtf?"
Readout: 30
"Huh??????"
::looks up::
::the orc barley misses him::
not exatly lines but their funny kinda...
I pulled out my sword and shouted "Mind if I cut in!!" (cheesey I know)
It was after the fact that I noticed around 30 more soldiers sitting down eating some food.
I died, while my party ran.
DM: You enter the temple of elemental EVIL *dramatic book slam*
Pally: I DETECT EVIL!
Sorceror: I throw my shocker lizard familiar at the half-water elemental triad person!
DM: Thats cruel! Your nuetral GOOD!
Sorceror: Why? Its not like he will die
DM: SHE HAS ARMOR SPIKES
My one friend played a half-orc barb and the other a halfling rogue (stereotypical i know)
Barb: Krug so hungry...
Rogue OOC: Im going to get a mountain dew
*comes back with mountain dew*
Barb OOC: Give me the mountain dew!
Rogue OOC: Hell no go get your own!
Barb: MAYBE KRUG EAT HALFLING
Samurai\Shujenga OOC: So im playing a Samurai\Shujenga.
Sorceror: You DO know this is an FR setting, correct?
SS: Yea, DM Ok'd it
Sorceror: *Sigh* alright, so we were fighting kobolds (with class levels) right?
SS: Ooo I charge in and use my Iajitsu
Sorceror: What in gods name is an Iajitsu?
SS: Its a skill...
Sorceror: A SKILL!? If you didnt notice were in a BATTLE!
Rogue OOC: Yea its such a bad stereotype that people think dungeons and dragons players are goths.
DM OOC: Yea seriously I saw this one site that had christian fundamentalists who thought we ACTUALLY gained powers from reading the mass-produced commericial franchised D&D books.
Rogue OOC: (holding up a small dixie cup with zoo animals on it) *deep voice* 'Tis the goblet of Satan!!!
Fighter: Woah woah woah you mean to tell me magic missle has NO save?
Sorceror: Unless you have SR, no.
Fighter: Thats so queer
Sorceror: Dude... how is a sword different?
Fighter: AC blocks a... yea I guess your right
Sorceror OOC: Holy crap what IS Lidda doing with her other hand on page 145?
DM: WOAH Illegal
Fighter: Well technically she only LOOKS like a child shes an adult
DM: Do I smell franchise in the pr0n department?
Entire group: AARGH SHUT UP
Sorceror: Dude on page 178 who wastes a 9th level spell to kill one beholder? And its eye is open dosent that dispel the crushing hand?
Wizard: Better question is what kind of arcane caster chooses Bigby's crushing hand as one of their 9th level spells?
Sorceror&Wizard: *guwaff guwaff*
Rest of the group: O_o
Sorceror: Its a caster thing
Party Cleric: *sigh* Is this going to end up with us fleeing on our ship while the city will be engulfed in flame, with chaos everywhere, (all of which will be caused by us) and us making enemies out of every possible bad guy, who will hound us to the ends of the earth?"
Horus the Dwarf: "I hope so!"
DM:Your in a temple
Me: i spin in a circle while using detect evil
DM:You detect evil
Me: Where?
DM: you dont know you were spinning to much
Something we hear every session
annoying fat hobbit guy who stole stuff: is there anything to steal?
Ranger:is my sword glowing blue!
Wizard: I cast fireball on it!
weird elf chick: i give them some elven wine!
"You know, I have spells that DON'T require reflex saves."
rogue: I rush in to attack the guy
me: you can't, the warforged is in the way
rogue: then I trip the wargorged
me
sigh) roll a trip checkrogue: I got a 20
me:Fine, the warforged falls on the guy, how much do you weigh
warforged: Um, I weigh over 200 lb
me: Let's see that's....
20d6 damage!group:
(i should say that the group was at 1st level at this point)
We've been having the traditional wizard/sorcerer debate over how much planning is required in any given adventurer situation. We are in the undercaverns of a church where we just defeated a high-level cleric of Hextor, using the traditional method of planning extensively and then having to improvise when Nash gets bored with the plan and just attacks the poor guy.
Trace: All I'm saying is, when you do something stupid like that...
Nash (interrupting): What are you talking about? That was brilliant!
Trace: All right, when you are going do something brilliant like that, just announce your intentions to me or to our cleric. Say, "I'm about to do something brilliant."
Nash (eyeing the mysterious lever in the chamber full of necromantic materials): I'm about to do something brilliant!
This phrase is now used in all of our campaigns, and occasionally in real life as well...
Me: "No, they will get hit too!"
Him: "Bah, they have good reflexes..."
Has become a classic, he uses the line every time he casts fireball or a similar spell.
Also, my group developed a standard "Plan B": Whenever the original, often elaborate plan fails, they use Plan B instead - which means they just hack and slash everything to bloody pieces.
This gives some nice scenes.
PC: "We are here to deliver a message."
Guard: "From whom?"
PC: "Ehm... PLAN B!!!"
PC1: "So, we just have to sneak up this stairs"
PC2: "Well, my plate armour is to cumbersome for silent movement..."
PC1: *sighs* "Well, looks like Plan B again, hu?"
We took a couple of trips into the city and saw shops with all kinds of good stuff (like metal tools) that we had never seen and were told by our friends that "Shopkeepers" ran these shops and "Sold" things in the city.
We were fairly unclear on the concept of money and buying/selling so it kind of went over our heads...Then the next time in the woods we were attacked by bandits after a short combat the following occurred.
Phoenix (Shaman): Hey Sunrise looket this, they have steel axes!
Sunrise (Druid): Wow – wild shopkeepers! This is much better than shopping in the city. :D
From that day forward Phoenix and Sunrise “Went Shopping” in the woods trying to attract bandits and monsters.
Paladin (to stable hand): Good day to you sir, I would like to purchase your finest horse.
Stable hand: Of course m'Lord. If you would be so kind to follow me. (leads Paladin to the stables) This here is my finest, raised him since he was a foal, pesonally took care of him, fed him the finest. He's my pride and joy, though since you are a Paladin of fine stature, I will sell him to you.
Paladin: My thanks. He certainly looks the best of the lot. I will pay you 200gp, I hope that is enough? (for a light riding horse)
Stable hand: You are too generous, m'Lord. Thank you.
The Paladin whistles loudly, and several seconds later a Griffon (yep, his mount) swoops down upon the horse and carries it off to feed. The Paladin thanks the stable hand and promptly walks away as the stunned stable hand falls to his knees and cries.
This happened about 3 months ago, and we'll probably never stop laughing at this one.
Our party has been travelling with a Gnome cleric of Tymora for a while. He's the party comic relief. Has a fetish for pants. So we were waiting in a Temple of Kelemvor to have the deceased NPC love-interest of our Bard ressurected. The Gnome plays a game of chess with the Elven rogue to kill time. The gnome stated at the beginning "we'll play for your pants" The elf, underestimating the cleric and not taking the bet serious says something in the lines of "sure, whatever"
The Gnome wins the game, and insists on getting the Elf's pants as a reward. Naturally the elf resists. The Gnome casts Hold Person, the elf fails and is held. This causes quite a ruckus, and a priest of Kelemvor approaches to demand silence. By then, the gnome has begun to take the pants of the elf.
Then ... my sig :D
Thornix (fighter): Could you identify this?
Mage: Well let's see.... my gods... oh... oh no. This is.. this is a +1 sword.
Thornix: Really... is that so. Would another 40 gold pieces change your mind?
Mage: No! No, take... take your money and just leave this town, I beg of you.
*Thornix and his pal Agatha do thier intimidation and hang the poor halfling mage by his feet until he talks.
Mage: That's... that's Gadfly, the blood-stained sword, the killer of 1,000 men, the defiler of heaven and earth... the, the most powerful and profane instrument of death and slaughter to ever be wielded in these parts of the world.
*Thornix and Agatha are both salivating at the words "sword", "most powerful" and "slaughter".
Thornix: And you're SURE it's evil...?
Later on in the session, Thornix and Agatha found thier way onto an illegal casino ship that also dealt in exotic and rare goods.
Thornix: Do you deal in bartering?
DM (mishearing Thornix): Ur, bard rings?
Merchant: Yes, I have this... uh, bard ring right here. It'll make your voice as sweet as silver.
Thornix (OOC): You $#*%& goon...
Agatha: How much for the ring?
Shortly thereafter....
Ship Captain: Well yes, perhaps technically, records of our sales are not kept. Certain policing bodies of certain every country might not smile upon some of our more laissez faire practices...
Thornix: Gasp! So this gambling ship with a drow captain is ILLEGAL! Let me off here! I want nothing more to do with these backdoor shenanigans!
Ship Captain: That's quite a shame. If it's backdoor shenanigans you're after, we have a veritable harem below available for a mere-
Thornix: Well, I mean, don't let me off RIGHT here...
Agatha: ...!
Later on, Agatha spoke to Thornix about that incident.
Agatha: Thornix, I'm surprised that you were so willing to shill out your hard-earned gold for a cheap prostitute. Besides, I thought you were saving yourself for Martha, or Martin, or Marmaduke, or whatever that girl's name is.
Thornix: First of all, I assume you mean 'Mint'. Martha is my sister, Martin is a man, whoever he is, and Marmaduke is my camel.
Agatha: I'm very open minded about this kind of thing, you see.
DM: Oh, nein...
After the ship fiasco, Thornix' inept apprentice (and Agatha's arranged husband) Dwight tried to steal Gadfly from Thornix' pack but was caught red-handed. Thornix tried to hand at some father-figure advice, to little effect.
Thornix: Dwight, I want to tell you a story. There once this monk, who was very greedy, and a mischievious thief...
*We then abruptly took a break to go eat. Upon arriving back to the game awhile later...
Thornix: Well, good night Dwight.
Later, the party was speaking to a friend of thiers, the orcish ship captain Kaiser Cyclone, while the DM was semi-distracted with picking up some papers that had fallen on the ground.
Kaiser: So, how are you fairing in Zuchergeist?
Thornix: Pretty well.
Kaiser: That's quite a wound you have, for someone who's fairing well.
Thornix: Well, you know how it is. Bandits lurking on the road to knife any honest traveler, owlbears prowling the woods with a thirst for blood, filthy orcs skulking about...
Agatha: ...!
Thornix: ...!!
Kaiser: I see, I see. Understandable, the world is indeed a dangerous place.
Thornix (OOC): Incidentally, why didn't he kill me for calling his race filthy and skulk-y?
DM: Wha? Uh, oh... he wasn't paying attention.
They later ran across some of thier recurring villians sharing a meal with some lowly mercenaries and soldiers in a tavern. Thornix began to pay attention when his name was brought up.
Merc1: I heard Thornix the Vile Bile sleeps with his armor on, and only 2 hours a night at that!
Merc2: I hear he never SLEEPS AT ALL!
Plumm (recurring enemy): Bah! I never sleep in MY armor at all either, but where are PLUMM'S medals!?
Plumm: Aagh, that kind of trickery, hitting a woman, that offends my refined code of heraldry.
Raymund (Plumm's bard): You mean chivalry?
Plumm: It's a cinnamon, you eneducated twit.
The party was in town for a local religious festical called Twiggin's day. Each person is given a long thing branch by a priest, and a large sack. Whenever you met someone you loved or cared about, you were supposed to break a small peice off of the branch and give it to them as a token. This led to hijinx.
Priest (handing a branch to Agatha): Here you go, my daughter. When you come across someone dear to you, break a piece off this branch and give it to them.
Agatha: Thank you. Here, I'd like you to have a piece of my branch for your kind favor.
Priest (horrorstruck): I hardly know you! This is hardly in the spirit of Twiggin's day, and I'm tempted to make you give the entire branch back, young woman.
Agatha:
Pancho (party wizard): *snap... *snap.... *snap....
Agatha: Are you putting your own twigs in your sack?!
Pancho: Uh... no....
Agatha: That's just pathetic...
Pancho: ...I'm so lonely.
The group later came into a conflict with a guard in the city.
Guard: I said, put up your hands and unbuckle your weapons!
Agatha: NO!
Guard: You're messing with the wrong guard, kid! (the guard draws his sword)
Agatha: Fine... my hands are up... but I'm not going to accept any twigs from you.
Guard: I wouldn't GIVE any twigs to you!
Agatha: GOOD, because I wouldn't ACCEPT any twigs you TRIED to give me!
Guard: Great, because I'm not going to OFFER any!
Thornix: I think a branch in the mouth will shut this fellow up...
Finally, a montage of unfortunate confusions regarding Agatha's gender and race (human female, human female, HUMAN FEMALE)
Guard (to Agatha): Sir, you dropped your sword!
Kaiser (to Thornix): You and your halfling are welcome on my ship any time!
Curry Kerrier (regrettable guest PC regarding Agatha): I pants the hobbit dude.
Bard (overheard): Ah yes, the tale of Thornix, Pancho, and the dwarven barbarian Andrew!
Prince Oswald (to Agatha): Surely, a gnomish wife as radiant as you would bear me BEAUTIFUL little gnomish children...
Agatha (drinking a potion of alter self): I turn into a man and sneak in.
Pancho (to Agatha): Give the rage thing a rest, man.
Plumm (about Agatha): Agatha! He's even more dangerous than Thornix!
Donelbain (Dwight's father): I hereby disown my former son Agatha and his wife Mitsu... I... OCC: Crap...
on a dungeon we first came up on a mirror the elf decided to take a look and suddenly another elf sprang forth from the mirror after beting it and destroying the mirror the elf asked for mercy for the beautiful elf, the party didnt listen and killed the elf.
later the party came acros some strange bars the elf still upset about the slaying of his double said.
"If we only had an elf we could toss him to the bars to see what happned"
inmediately afterward the rest of the party looked at each other and proceeded to throw the elf at the strange bars
SoulLord
We knew there was dogs guarding to compound and was figuring out how to bypass them.
Me: Ok, So we sneak in the back way?
Pc1: But what about the dogs?
Pc2: Maybe they ate poisoned meat?
Entire group + DM:
Pc2: That could happen!
Group+dm:
Me, to pc2: Do you mean we throw poisoned meat to the dogs?
Pc2: Duh, offcourse, do you think they would feed them with poisoned meet themselves?
At this point the rest of the group cracked up, visioning guards giving bad meat to their own dogs, putting them out.
I guess you had to be there, to have the right vision.
Evil O
It suonds like as munch fun as we have when we play Nephilim!
Evil O
Jenny -- I have her, I brought her and a couple other prisoners up from the dungeon. They're in a room back there.
Bop -- Good. :sigh: Hang on a second.
*casts a spell and a dwarven bellow resounds throughout the battle*
Jenny -- ...
... ... You summoned a dwarf?*after fighting a particularly hard hobgoblin who tossed a timber on top of the halfling Bop:
*Jenny is trying to push the timber off of Bop when another dwarven bellow echoes throughout the building. It sounds closer this time*
Jenny -- *noticing no spell had been cast* I thought you said that was the signal to leave.
Bop -- Well... Yes, sort of. It alerted Thorgir that it was OK to Rage.
*Frantically redoubled efforts to remove the timber as the sounds of destruction from the dwarven barbarian get closer. Thorgir bursts through into the chamber they are in after kicking a rather bloody goblin through the door. He sees them, bellows, rushes over, picks up the timber, and hurls it through the chest of an approaching hobgoblin and then rushes out again*
Jenny -- Right... Well... Let's go.
DM: You and the palading are going to cross the bridge?
ME(to the DM): Does the bridge look of good dwarven make?
DM: Yep definately made by dwarves.
ME: Ok G'Kar, its a sold bridge lets go.
DM: You make it about halfway across, make a spot check
*shake**shake* {Rolls a 1}
Now I was expecting the Dragon to pop up and attack us.
The Paladin rolled a 16.
ME: I am busy staring at the bridge.
DM: G'Kar you notice that the bridge is covered in small pock marks as though acid has eaten into it in places. Roll a Reflex save.
Now both us us being heavily armored fail miserably and SPLOOSH! Into the water we go.
I have now earned the title "Licensed Bridge Inspector"
GoL: You smell like flowers and honey. **looks at her deeply in the eyes, his own eyes burning red** And I... I smell like whatever you desire most.
Penelope: **sniffs** GOLD!
I lost my arm and was approaching a gate with some human guards who were readying their weapons. I said "WAIT! I'M UNARMED!"
The same character I'm playing had his parents killed by Goblins, so while role-playing with another PC who'd asked me why I hated them so I said "It's because they killed my parents. So whenever I see the face of a Goblin all i see is the face of my mother".
This is a 1st Edition game and I'm playing a fighter.
palidin "ok" "yes a 23"
dm " ok you turn on the rogue and 9 months later there is a half halfing in the family"
barbarian "dam now she can't fight with us o well i will try one of those checks in a bar"
barbarian "darn i got a 3"
dm "all the women run out of the bar"
Rule the First: Place not thy appendages within dark holes.
My friend Pat, playing his first ranger had apparently lost his adventurer's handbook when this happened:
DM (me): Ok, you see a small hole in the ice cavern's wall.
Pat: About how big is it?
DM: No more than a foot in diameter. You won't be able to fit anything more than an arm in there.
Pat: Ok, I'll reach in and feel about. Do I feel anything?
DM: Yes, you feel a searing pain in your arm as something severs your forearm from your body.
Pat: HOLY CRAP! I stick my head in so I can see what happened to my arm!
DM:
There are three rules of adventuring, the most important is this:
Rule the First: Place not thy appendages within dark holes.
My friend Pat, playing his first ranger had apparently lost his adventurer's handbook when this happened:
DM (me): Ok, you see a small hole in the ice cavern's wall.
Pat: About how big is it?
DM: No more than a foot in diameter. You won't be able to fit anything more than an arm in there.
Pat: Ok, I'll reach in and feel about. Do I feel anything?
DM: Yes, you feel a searing pain in your arm as something severs your forearm from your body.
Pat: HOLY CRAP! I stick my head in so I can see what happened to my arm!
DM:
wow that is funny and to think it wasn't the barbarian this time lol
Paladin: (The DM had his (in game) gf (sort of) go all crazy) *GF whips out a pair of Katanas.* Oh crap... Run!
Party: :OMG!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rozhena: Now, Raven.... don't go teasing the Solar! (to Raven, the fighter who was doing silly things to get a solar to crack a smile)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Chainer" (party fighter): (introducing the party to mine and another player's new characters) This ::points:: is Krag. And ::points to another character:: is Fiona. And ::points to the male cleric:: is Elwin the "Impotent".
Shadarra (my new character): ::raises eyebrow::
The next time, "Chainer" said Elwin the "Impotent", she smirked. The third time, she laughed.
Out of game context discussing about the fact that "Called" armor should be removable with a command word just like donning it has one.
Someone: Great. Now we have armor that's hooked up to the Clapper!
It took us about 5 minutes to recover from that one.
My paladin was approached that night by the (beautiful) wife of said merchant lord. She claimed that her son was mad and was trying to kill her husband and wanted help. So I, of course, accept.
The party rolls over to the house that night, some of the more dextrous/sneaky people climb up to the roof and sneak in. One of them is waiting in the chimney shaft that leads into the master bedroom ..
DM: You see a figure move to the side of the bed, it looks to have some sort of vial in it's hand.
PC: I wait..
DM: The figure moves to the person in the bed, you see the bed ridden person thrashing.
PC: I wait...
DM:
The thrashing stops..So the PC in the chimney climbs back up, and tells the 2 who are on the roof what happened. One of them decides he wants to dive down the chimney..
DM: You see the body of Lord Normingway (merchant lord) laying motionless in the bed. The son walks through the door and says, "What have you done?!"
PC: I attack!
*Battle ensues.. son dies. The wife walks through the door*
Wife: Oh my, you were too late. Oh well, i suppose you deserve a reward. Kiss me.
PC: *Booya, finally some action!* Ok!
*Wife turns into a SUCCUBUS and drains his ass good!*
The few on the roof book it as fast as they can outta there as the alarms sound! The Dwarf fighter and my paladin are waiting on the ground waiting when the door opens and the snobby butler bursts out..
Butler: What are you doing here?!
Dwarf: *I throw my Dwarven Thrower at him!*
DM:
You hit, dealing X damage. The butler changes, he grows fangs and *insert vampire description here*. Paladin, make a will save..Paladin: 11, does that make it?
DM: You hear a voice in your head telling you to slay the dwarf. You can't control yourself.
So long story short I chase the dwarf through the streets of the noble district with my flaming greatsword and cleave him in 2 right in front of some guards..
Paladin: *snaps out of it* Oh Tyr! What have I done?!
Guards:
Paladin: Please, help me get him to a cleric!
Guards: Woooaaah.. uhh... we don't uh.. want any trouble there sir..
Later On:
Dwarf's PC: YOU KILLED ME!
Me (Paladin): Dude, I wasn't in control.
Dwarf's PC: Well you shoulda made your save!!
Me: You shouldn't have thrown a hammer at the SNOBBY BUTLER for NO REASON!
Fighter - Is your dad well-endowed?
Cleric -
Fighter - ... ... Monitarily speaking.
In the middle of a bar she slaps somebody and says:
Half-orc barbarian: I'm a pixie, your confused!
Man: yes, I am confused.
and this just stops the fight for everone!
That is one of the most memerable lines in the d'd games i've played in.
Beware if you start in the ballad of sprink!
I lost my arm and was approaching a gate with some human guards who were readying their weapons. I said "WAIT! I'M UNARMED!"
The same character I'm playing had his parents killed by Goblins, so while role-playing with another PC who'd asked me why I hated them so I said "It's because they killed my parents. So whenever I see the face of a Goblin all i see is the face of my mother".
Rogue: Ok, wait here and let me make sure the coast is clear. I don't wanna get nabbed coming out of here, and you're not exactly inconspicuous.
Berserker: Howdya mean?
Rogue: You're nearly 7 feet tall, you're wearing animal pelts, and you're covered in dwarf-blood.
Berserker: Oh, ok. I'll try to keep a low profile.
Rogue: Right
The rogue crept outside, looked around, and spotted a group of city guards heading our way.
Rogue: Sit tight, the guards are coming.
Berserker: *jumps through the glass window into the street*
Rogue: WHAT IN THE NINE HELLS ARE YOU DOING????? :headexplo
Berserker: I couldn't see and you were in the way.
Rogue:
Berserker: What?
After that, the rogue never went shopping with me again.
well.. I will let you decide
I was playing the fighter-6/kensai-6 unfourtunatley i trigger some artifact that dominates me... The wizard makes me swallow my newly found rod of wonder, and hop up and down shouting the command word "Bunny Rabbits"
Needless to say I began re-rolling my new character
Man that image in my head was hilarious!
DM: you are put in the jail cell.
Gnome: i look and see if there is anyone else in the cell to bully around.
DM: you see nothing but a few rat
Gnome, to the rats: WORSHIP ME!!!!!
B4 an undead hunting campaign
"vampires have so many weaknesses you cant help but kill them"
After a big attack
"what thats impossible, only a god could have survived that"
a low level rogue campaign.
"who would have figured the house gaurd would have been awake?"
Barbarian: This is a dragon? They aren't so tough.
Ranger: That's not a dragon, that's a wyvern.
Barbarian: What's a wyvern? This is a dragon.
Wizard: No, that's a wyvern. Trust me.
Barbarian: *raises his axe threateningly in one hand and the wyvern's head in the other* THIS IS A DRAGON!
Me: *shrugs, rolling eyes* Alright, it's a dragon. I'll go ahead and write a song of your epic deed, dragon-slayer.
Barbarian: *totally misses sarcasm* Good.
Another one (different campaign):
DM: Roll damage
Player: 1.
DM: Alright.... you hurt the bandit's pinkie.
Last week we were playing at my house and my four-year-old sister entered the room with a bucket of Halloween candy. She came right up to me (DM), mid-game, and said in her sweetest voice, "Dungeon Master, would you like some candy?"
And something about it was so funny that we all just died laughing.
Then, I said, "Yes, the Dungeon Master demands candy."
After that, no one was serious anymore for the rest of the night...
Friend: "I go to Wal-Mart."
Me: "It's 'Ye Olde Wal-Mart.'"
Also, I have no idea where my four-year-old sister learned the term Dungeon Master or knew that I was the Dungeon Master... maybe I talk about D&D too much... :D
This quote didn't actually happen "in" the game per se, but it was too good to not share.
Last week we were playing at my house and my four-year-old sister entered the room with a bucket of Halloween candy. She came right up to me (DM), mid-game, and said in her sweetest voice, "Dungeon Master, would you like some candy?"
Awwww...
Er, none of you saw that.
In a game I played last weekend, four level 7 adventurers are walking through this creepy mansion that is rumored to be haunted. One, an elven fighter specializing in the longbow (a much more deadly ranger), makes a Listen check and I tell him that he hears something in the darkness.
He asks if he can make a Spot check, does so, and I tell him that all he can see is darkness. Without even knowing the can of worms that he opens in doing so, he cries out:
Ranger: "I ATTACK THE DARKNESS!"
After a little laugh we move on, he rolls his attack. Well, what he doesn't know is that there's a shade fighter standing no less than thirty feet from the group, just outside of visual range. I determine that he doesn't completely miss, so he makes his attack roll as usual...a 20. Then a 19. Total of 33, or something like that. The shade rolls a 1 on his save versus massive damage.
I sit there, looking rather dumfounded at the 1 I just rolled, and the ranger eagerly asks, "What, what happened?!"
To which I reply, "The darkness lets out a shriek of pain and falls over dead."
Lenny the Ogre. (yeah, I know, I've told this one before, don't remind me)
Lenny the Ogre is a pacifist 7th level Pit Fighter and uses wrestling and punching (specializing with both and no other weapons) exclusively. Lenny also started with a 20 strength, 20 Con, and the DM rolled Monstrous Strength 3 and Large Size for his monstrous traits. Yeah, Lenny could armwrestle a titan and probably disguise himself as a Hill Giant without a proficiency check.
Lenny's not too bright, nor is he a very clever (read: Int 4, Wis 4) thinker, so he pretty much follows around this Tank-like paladin named Sir George (if you don't get the first gag by now, go back to English class) and tries to emulate him as best he can. The Halfling thief and the Half-Elf cleric think this is hilarious.
Sir George and Lenny eventually come to encounter a CE Enchantress, who promptly charms poor Lenny (who's effective saving throw is negative stupid) and orders him to attack Sir George, who is "trying to kill [her] unjustly!" Normally this allows more saves. With a saving throw of Negative Stupid however, Lenny promptly stomps on the full-plated Sir George.
Thief and cleric finish off the Enchantress and free Lenny from the spell, who has no recollection of what happened during the fight (it was amazing he remembered his own name after waking up each day). With everything over and done with, he starts looking for his bestest buddy in the whole world, Sir George.
Look left? Nope.
Look Right? Nope.
Look up? No.
Look under rocks, around trees, all the while ignoring the cleric and thief's (as he usually did, since their humor is waaaaaay over his head) shouts? Nope, no George there either.
Scratching his head, finally gets what the thief is yelling at him, lifts up his foot, stares at the PC-in-a-can that used to be Sir George and...
"There George! Hi George! George? Geooooooorge?" eyes widen, then a quiet, solemn nod as he set his foot down again...
.
.
.
.
.
"George sleepy."
transported back in time to retrive some artifacts for BBEG.
Strad arrives. we throw chairs at him to slow him down we die.
Next attempt.
little bro runs up to strad to attack him to slow him down so we can retrive the artifacts. attacks hits no damage.
Strad: who the hell do you think u are attacking me?
Wedge: i am *checks character sheet* i am fletcher green level 2 cleric of peldor......or crap...
We had to break for a few minites while strad pulled him apart piece by peice and we sat laughing for hours.
Fletcher Green is now a god whom has a sacred mace of non-hurting vs vampyres
"She's not a little girl?!!?!"
At another point, the same player was playing a big, dumb half-orc fighter/rogue pirate. The party had stopped in at the local brothel, and the big owner of the establishment caught Sawtooth's eye. He walks up to her, and in his own seductive half-orc way, said, "Sawtooth have gold."
It became a running joke for the campaign. Sawtooth began offering gold to almost any of the female NPCs he met. :D
Me and this other guy play an evil tiefling assassin and a elf who hates humans. We join up with a paladin (player named steve) who is on a quest to restore the rightful balance in Cormyr (Forgotten Realms). Steve is not so observent and does not know our true alignments or motivations. The elf wants to start a war between sembia and cormyr so the humans will fight each other, then the elves can ascend. I basically go along for the ride. Although, evil, we don't over do it or disrupt the party and actually we act as his bodyguards and secret police, but start to insinuate sembians are behind everything. Several encounters pass where we continue to say things like "This guy has weapons from sembia. This guys has a sercret sembian tattoo. Etc.." The DM was in on it.
Steve continues throught out the marathon session to be utterly and completely oblivious despite mountains of subtle and not so subtle evidence.
Then finally after we kill some orcs:
me (dripping with sarcasm): DM is there any sign these orcs are sembian?
elf: (more sarcasm) Yeah, Where are their weapons from?
DM (smiling): Well, if by Sembian, you mean that orcs are wandering monsters, and wandering monsters sometimes wander in different parts of the world, and Sembia happens to be a part of the world, and that orcs sometimes use weapons, and those weapons or ones similiar to them can be found in Sembia, then yes, they're Sembian.
Pause as we look at Steve barely stifling our laughter.
Steve (in deadly serious tone): Those f-ing Sembians! We have to kill them!
*story of Steve*
After killing of the elven king (who turned out to be a vampire) in the kingdom of silvanos, there was no clear heir, so they did it the democratic way- locked everyone up in the town hall and nominated peple, who were then voted on by the elder council. Unbeknownst to the peasants, but beknownst to us, the party was working with a group of radicals, hell-bent on restoring honor to the throne of silvanos.
The election was pretty much fixed by them, but one of our players, an elf bard who really should have taken a vow of peace because she refuses to kill anything, decided to run for queen. She and my character (Half Silver Dragon Human Monk 7) don't particularly get along. My character would go to any lengths to see her fruitions die, but he took the subtle way this time, and convinced the leader of the radicals to not elect her during this private discourse:
Leader: So, what reasons do you have for wanting to deny this elf the throne of silvanos?
Me: She's way too cutesy, and extremely weakhearted, plus her undying cheeriness creeps me out.
Leader: Those aren't very good reasons...
Me (Getting increasingly more desperate): Well... Errrh... SHE'S A BARD!!! Bards are shifty and shady, and by no means honorable, she's a third rate harlot I say! I don't trust her any further than I could throw her.
Leader: But... your a monk, you could probably throw her into the next fiefdom!
Me: Well, not necessarily... I BET SHE WEIGHS A TON!!!
Leader (Growing impatient): Very well, I'll see what I can do...
After this we were notified by the rest of the party, that I had neglected to remove the headband of hivemind from my head, and since we were all wearing one, they all heard, and the elf promptly slapped me. My character was the joke of the session.
Samurai: ::in a chant-like manner:: Don't have sex with the water.... don't have sex with the water..... don't have sex with the water....
The rest of us:
After finding out what their plans were, I left him with some gold for a good evening (with hopes that he could become a source of information later on).
The party paladin however, had seen me come out of the saloon/brothel and followed me back to the more reputable inn our party was staying at. Of course, he approaches me about this.
Paladin: My my! What sort of business were you attending to in there? (with obvious inuuendo)
Me: Trying not to get caught with my pants down...
Paladin: You see? no one can defy the Mandate of Ra!
Me(CN rogue): So... you guys are the Man dates of Ra then?
Paladin: Well... I guess you could say that...
Me: The man-dates?
Paladin: I said yes already didn't I?
Me: *snicker* okay then....
Not too much humor happens in-character in my games... but a lot of out of character stuff does. We keep a quotebook..
The other thing happened while i was a PC in an old campaign, and is precicely why I'm not too keen on male players with female characters.
DM: He says to her...
Female player, Female character: Me?
DM: no her (pointing to Male Player, Female character)
MP,FC: You kept saying her...
DM: Yeah, but you... your CHARACTER is a girl.
MP,FC and FP,FC: oh, right.
DM: *NPC continues talking, asks question*
MP,FC: Her? *pointing to FP,FC*
DM: no - you. You see, i can't really say 'him' and 'he' cos your character is neither a 'him' nor a 'he', and he's not talking to YOU.
MP,FC: He's talking to her?
DM: Yes -
FP,FC: Me?
DM: No - ah *SNAP!* YOU FIND A MAGICAL BELT! DO YOU PUT IT ON?
MC,FC: *confused* Uh... sure.
DM: BAM! You're a DUDE! Problem SOLVED!
"you find a magical belt, do you put it on?"
Sad thing the FP FC couldn't get past the fact that a male player was playing a female character... I would have seen that coming a mile away and offer the FP FC to wear it.
Confuse her (the player) ever more!Druid: *Sarcastic* "Oh joy, what is that thing eating Kard?"
Witch: *Amused* "Yay! It's a gelatinous cube! Its like pudding!"
Sorceress: "I can't believe I didn't see it!"
DM: "Well, they're tansparent, hard to see."
Rogue: *Being Eaten by Cube* "You can see it just fine from the inside!"
It took about 10 minutes before we could continue the combat.
Bard: Uhh... so... you... going down there?
Me: Hadn't planned on it, how 'bout you?
Bard: Errh... I suppose so, at least let me take a look down the thing first. *Sticks head inside*
Me: *Pushes her down* Oops...
A stunned fighter elf character in the underdark. In a mind flayer city, a mind-flayer is grappling with him to suck out his brain-juices.
DM: The mindflayer has you pinned, you feel its tentacles reaching into your ears...
Fighter: Ummm...I bite him.
H-OR: What was the problem, you just had to get one person over, then use the rope to get the others across.
Elf Rogue: Rope?
H-OR: ...None of you packed rope?
Party: *Glares at me*
The best part was that later my Ranger effortlessly jumped the hole, and was the only one to get past it without sustaining damage.
In a different game my party reached a treasure chest at the end of the dungeon, and we opened it to find a 10,000 gp ring, so my DM had us role will saves. My character had 20 wisdom and easily passed, but the rest succumbed and began to fight over the ring. Finally I was given the ring cause I was the only one who didn't desire it
Me: I cast detect magic
DM: you read no magic aura about it
Me: So you guys weren't fighting because of some spell, you're all just greedy?
Here's some gems:
[Upon seeing the end of some plumbing that sevices and entire mountain of dwarves] "So it's a poop-chute?"
[Explaining why I knew that it would be harder to swim in **** than water(OOC)] "We were talking in metaphors, and then it suddenly got literal"
[After defeating an Otyugh that was blocking one of the aforementioned pipes]
Anzila - "Make a reflex save"
My friend and me - "Why?...Oh..."
[Upon identifying a shovel found in the vicinity of the sea of ****]
Anzila - It's a +2 Keen Shovel of Carrying, and it also can store and summon "waste matter" by a command word.
Me - "..."
So after wading through knee-deep(for a dwarf) ****, nearly dying by the stuff, and then finding a weapon who's only use is getting rid of it, this will definitley be the cahpter of the tale that the bards won't sing of.
Or Else.
Our little party returned to their starting town one day, and were welcomed with a huge festival. I thought this to be a rather just-for-fun session, so I included, among others, a drinking contest. There were five drinks with increasing DC (Con throw) to be chugged, and the last one - well... none of the contestants was able to form one clear thought after these so-called Orc Spirits.
They competed in other games as well, and just before a massive fight started out in the streets, they strolled around on the market place.
Druid: Say, are those drinks for free here?
Bartender: Sure are, everything is paid by Lord Irnaiir himself today!
Monk:
Wait, wait! You said, EVERYTHING? What about that orc booze?Bartender: Hehe, guess you're up for a week of not being able to leave the bathroom. How many vials do you want?
Monk: :D (takes out Bag of Holding) Fill'er up!
------
During a stealthy stealing action kind of thing, the rogue and the monk encounter a nymph guarding an artifact, but I'll just leave the rogue out of this. The monk player reacts as I describe her features and looks into the MM (I allow them to look at certain things, as long as they don't use it for metagaming). They are still more than 30 feet away from the nymph.
Monk: Uh... I drool.
Me: That's always a good thing to do.
Anyway, she turns around and sees this Half-Elf, an unusual sight in this fort, standing in a puddle of some clear substance, with his jaw on the floor and a "gun" in his pants.
Monk: Must...stare... - I'm taking a few steps towards her. Wait, no! Alright, I'll throw a balance-check.
Me:
Monk: Uh... that's a three. I slip on my own puddle of saliva and fall down.
---30 mins (and 15 of laughing) later, as they attempt to leave the room---
Monk: I try to get back. *moves his miniature across his former puddle* Oh. Balance check. *rolls* A nine. I fall down again, don't I?`
Me: Yes you are. Make a fortitude check.
Monk:
*rolls* Dang. A nine again.Me: For no apparent reason, you burst into flames.
Me: For no apparent reason, you burst into flames.
LMFAO!!!
First session. Our beloved monk (the one in charge of in-game insanity) looks over his Char-sheet as the party strolls through the town exploring.
Monk: Hey, DM, I got a question about these skills. *rolls* Search check 23, do I find any hookers?
Me: *grins* Yeah, you find one.
Monk: She hot?
Me: *roll* Yeh.
Monk: Alright, question: Can I...
...use my "rope" skill to impress her and thereby lower the cost, then use my "ride" skill to have her enjoy it and thereby lower the cost, and then use "escape artist" to get the hell outta there and cheat her out of the check?
Needless to say we died from laughing.
However, this has a history. In the beginning, we played some personal version of D&D "light". That is, without knowing much more than how to use skills, saving throws, and attacking. So he thought of something else when hearing something squealing within a pile of leaves he just set on fire, plus being attacked by a bat he just turned his back on:
"Can I... use my quarterstaff to poke at the heap and at the same time strike with it at the bat harassing me sexually?"
And when I told him he couldn't do it (as I think about it now, he might've though), he thought of another idea.
"Alright, can I instead... poke at the heap, get my quarterstaff to burn and hit the bat with the burning part so it dies slowly and painful?"
It's an archive of the best lines from my group's DND games. I would post them, but there's a lot.
DM: "You finally arrive at the tomb...you sense great Evil. It is in the middle of a very beautiful forest. The trees and vegetations around the tomb are altered, deformed...in pain."
ARAMIL (Elf Ranger): "I speak with the squirel over there and ask him to go near the tomb and explore the entrance."
DM: "Ok, the squirel go toward the tomb entrance..."
KINGG (Crazy Halfling Rogue): "I hate stupid squirels, I jump on it with both feet!"
DM: "You kill the squirel!"
BILUN (Human Cleric): "What? He killed the squirel for real?"
ARAMIL: "Kingg, are you crazy? Bilun, can you do a 'raise dead' on my squirel?"
Rogue: I didn’t detect any…
ADF: Good then, I’ll lead the way!
*Falls into pit trap one step into hall*
Rogue: Now all I need is a bag of endless sand!
DM: You find a chest of *roll* 1000 copper pieces!
Fighter: …that’s like, 10 gold pieces
Me: So you just gave us the DnD equivalent of a jar of pennies
Rogue: I make a search check
Me: You find nothing
Rogue: I take 20
Me: You find nothing
Rogue: I advance slowly along the edge, with my pole in front of me, then tell everyone to follow in my exact footsteps
Me: You reach the end of the hall and nothing happens, there’s a hall to your right.
Rogue: I walk down it
Me: Okay, you take 24 pts of damage from the initial blast of the fireball trap, then another 15 fire damage, followed by…
(In this adventure my Shaman had magical chimes that could open any doors, but gave them a unique personality at the same time)
Me: I ring the chimes
DM: The door’s lock clicks open, and it (the door) says, “Why did you have to give me the sentience to fully understand the pain of this world!
Fighter: Dude, you just made an emo door…
Rogue: Hmm…if I put the fireball there it will damage the Hydra and avoid harming any of my party, but if I put it there I could hit all of them at once. (guess where he put it)
Rogue: I use Phil to test for traps like one would use a stick to test for a bear trap! (spoken of the Drow from the first line)
Me: This spell lets you throw small objects and creatures around with wind
Girl with Bard PC: So I can blow Geoff!
Me: Do you think before you talk?
DM: Actually, you guys were supposed to win that one.
(A friend of mine ran a separate game in which he had the PC’s captured in a fixed battle. They then proceeded to escape in typical heroic fashion, until their first fight with the guards, which sparked the above line)
Cleric: I can make you waraxe holy (the spell)
Fighter: But I like my axe whole!!!
Cleric: .....
Cleric: It'll make you fight better and deal more damage!
Fighter: Coooool!!! :D
Player: Yeah!
DM: Well I don't have a flying horse, but I can give you a horse and a catapault.
Drizzle:I throw some pebbles at the meditating Elf
Roen: What the? Oh just you *insert lewd come on*
Drizzle:What?
*pulls out knife* You better stay back or I'll cut off your head.Roen:
Is that a threat? Drizzle: Yes, I will cut off the only one I can reach.
Roen:
Um, GoodnightDrizzle: That's what I thought.
Me(DM):
Ummm, moving right along...DM: You see an odd guy with tentacles on his head.
Viinz: What?
DM: Make a will save.
Viinz: *fails*
DM: Hey, actually you know him. He's a friend of yours.
Viinz: A good friend?
DM: Yes, a very good friend.
Viinz: Why didn't I recognize him then? Must have been a long time...
*rushes up and hugs the mindflayer*
Mindflayer (confused): ? *suck*
Fighter: Can I buy a sword?
Shopkeeper (NPC): Sure, 25 gp.
Figther: Is it magical?
Shopkeeper (NPC): Ehhh... Uhm no. I do not have anything magical...
Figther: What if I give you 200 gp for it? Will you say it is magical then?
Shopkeeper (NPC): You want me just to say it is magical
Figther: Yeah!
Rest of party: lol
Shopkeeper (NPC) (OOC):
Shopkeeper (NPC): Ok, sure.
Figther: Hehe, here you go!
Rest of us: :OMG!
For a while I would make shopkeepers, innkeepers, smiths etc. ask him if he for a measly 50 gp more would have them say that the item was magical :D
Look at my sig for another great story.
Sorcerer: Yeah he's a celestial hawk so he can kick your
Fighter:
Really now? Sorcerer: Yeah.
SorcererOoC: I roll a bluff check to see if he beleives me
Dm: Alright, fighter roll a sense motive.
Sorcerer: *rolls a natural 20* Um, that's a 20, plus twelve...32
Dm:
DudeFighter: *rolls some number lower*
Dm: Um you find that you are terrified of the hawk
*Celestial hawk spreads wings and screaches.*
Fighter:
"Oh God!" Dm: *looks at the Sorcerer*
SorcererOoC: What? I had some extra skill points I figured I might at well max out my bluff check.
To say the least, the rest of the campaign our elven archer was afraid of that hawk and our sorcerer took advantage of that. And my gnomish wizard did too. Nothing more fun then freaking out the party elf with an illusion of a celestial hawk sitting right infront of him.
In later games, he made characters that hated birds of prey and hunted him for sport.
DM: (adressing the half-orc) "you feel a shap tug on the rope as (the rogue) hits the end of the line. make a...."
Half-orc: (cutting DM off) "i let go of the rope"
rogue: AHHHHHHHHH
everyone else: WTF????
Half-orc: he made fun me
everyone: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
heres another short one. there is a new player and he is playing a cleric. the DM informs him that if he acts out the casting (ie a prayer) he will get a bonus to his roleplaying exp and a couple points of extra healing. mulling it over in his head the player shouts at the top of his voice "HEAL!!!!!" and from then on we just could not stop laughing
"Are they real, or just silicone?"
*looks disdainfully at the other character: "Kevlar!"
Me -- Wow. That burned off quick.
Bartleby -- Well, that's why it's called PATCHY fog.
Me --
So then why can you only see a few feet in front of you back there but it's exceedingly clear here. Bartleby (thinking) -- Well, there's trees here.
Me --
I grew up in the country, there were lots of trees there. We also had lots of fog. Bartleby --
(longwinded explanation about why he thinks trees have dampened the fog) Me -- :embarrass
Bartleby -- Or it could be because the river is over there.
Me -- But that doesn't make any sense. Rivers cause fog.
Bartleby -- Or it's dampening the fog.
Me -- No.
Bartleby --
Fine. Someone cast a fog cloud spell. Me -- OK. That I can understand. :D
Bartleby --
We really need to wean you off of D&D.[i]Bartleby --
good luck with that...
Blacksmith (this is a player...he wanted to be a blacksmith...go figure) - While his back is turned I smash his head with a hammer.
DM - *Sigh* Don't do that.
Blacksmith - Too bad.
DM - *Roll dice* You can't
Blacksmith - What? Why not, I bash his head in!
DM - Hmmm...you don't have elbows anymore. You can't lift the hammer.
Blacksmith - What?! Why? Where are my elbows.
DM - *shrug* Someone stole them.
Needless to say, this turned into a quite...different adventure.
DM (Me): You haven't eaten anything in about three days, and you're all on the brink of starvation.
Druid (a strict vegitarian): I find some more berries and any other plants that are edible.
Rogue: To hells with this! I find the nearest mammal and eat it.
DM (looks at the party fighter): That's you.
Rogue: Ok, the nearest small mammal.
DM: There just happens to be a small squirrel passing by.
Rogue: Fantastic! I grab my short sword and kill it.
Druid: YOU HAIRY DIRT-DUMB SWORD SWINGER! YOU KNOW I WON'T LET YOU DO THAT!
DM: Too late, the squirrel is dead, cooked, and half-eaten. Oh, by the way, you all hear a faint, but mounting chittering from the bushes to your left. As you finish you squirrel meal, another small squirrel appears from the bush. It's wearing a small purple cape and a crown made of pieces of a gold coin.
Rogue: Aww, how cute.
Now where did I put my sword :fight!: DM: The squirrel begins to titter and point with its little paw at the fire and at you (the Rogue). It doesn't seem happy.
Druid: I cast speak with animals
DM: Ok, the squirrel introduces itself as Lord Chip of the Chipmunk Dale. He says that your friend has just murdered and eaten his brother, Lord Dale of the Chipmunk Chip, and that is an act of war against both of their countries.
Druid: Ok, I translate.
Fighter and Rogue:
DM: Lord Chip looks at you (the druid), shakes his fist, and screams "You'll all pay for this insult"
Rogue: Yeah right small fry!
DM: From the bushes charge what must be billions of squirrels and they leap onto you (the rogue and fighter), and bite you painfully all over.
Rogue: Argh! Where are the most attacks coming from?
DM: Your back.
Rogue: I stab some of the ones on my back with my short sword!
Keep in mind, in 2e, to perform a sneak attack (which back then was called backstabbing), all you had to do was attack a creature from behind. I figured this counted.
DM: Ok, the squirrels manage to dodge your attack. Sadly, you weren't so lucky.
Rogue: Whaddya mean?
Fighter: Dude! You just backstabbed yourself.
Rogue:
Poo.DM, Fighter, and Druid:
I roll on the Random Encounter chart I'd made and It's a tiger.
I had been hinting at lycanthropes so the fighter asks if it's a weretiger.
Naturally, I wont say.
Fighter: Can I appraise the Tiger?
It seemed funny at the time.
Druid: Hey there how are you doing.
Dm : Um, i'm a horse. I'm hungry.
Druid: Seen any murders lately?
Dm : I'm a horse.
Druid: So you don't want to tell me then?
Rest of the party (after translation): He's a freakin' horse. He probably doesn't understand the meaning of the word 'murder'!
Druid : You haven't seen any murders?
Dm: The horse does not respond.
Druid: I'll give you a carrot...
- Swashbuckler13
wow... this is a long thread to read. i couldn't read it all. there are a few highlights. many few.
Guard leader: "What happened??"
Me (halfling rogue): "wait, let me explain you! It's not our fault, we.."
Ranger: I jump through the window and follow the necromancer
Guard leader:
Guard Leader: "What are you doing?!?! Man, watch the entrys and tie this men"
Me: "no wait! I can explain this!"
DM: The guards are coming to you
Me: "LooK! behind you!! It's the necromancer!!!"
DM (rolls):..uhm...ok, they turn around..
Me: Ok, I jump through the window
DM: oK, you jump
Guard leader:
Guard Leader (pointing at the rest of the group): "GRAB THEM!!!!!!!!!!"
:D
Pancho: Damndest thing, sir. A giant bat, at least six feet tall, just swooped down and threw my mug at this poor guy.
Inn: Six feet tall!?
Pancho: Oh yeah. I'm no expert, but I'd say you might have a vampire problem on your hands.
Inn: Oh dear!
Pancho: If I hadn't thrown my mug at it, this guy would have been done for. Luckily the fiendish creature only knocked him unconscious.
Inn: Oh. But... but I thought the bat threw the mug.
Pancho: ....no
Inn: Huh. Well... I'm sure one of your contradictory stories is probably true. Good night.
Later on in the session, the party was chagrined to find that their enemies from another city had pursued them to their current location. The fighter, Thornix, and Agatha were fortunately already disguised when they saw the small fleet of Merchant Parliament ships pulling in. Stepping out with a cocky swagger was Thornix' arch-rival, the halfling hex-blade Magnum Mustardseed. During thier previous encounter, Thornix had triumphantly stolen Magnum's fancy scabbard as a trophy. Now, as the various soldiers and mercenaries of ill-repute filed past, Thornix and Agatha started to put on an impromptu song and dance routine so they would look more like crappy bards than experienced warriors. A small pile of cp had amassed itself at their feet by the time Magnum reached them and regarded them with a scornful state. The halfling proceeded to hurl a shiny gold piece on the ground.
Magnum: Pick it up, wretch.
Thornix: Oh-ho! No need!
Thornix then used a magic item he had to pull a gold piece from behind Magnum's ear, displaying it proudly.
Thornix: Clean behind your ears more, young lad! Maybe someday you'll even become a clown like me if you take better care of your hygiene!
Magnum: You-
At this point Magnum drew his rapier and pointed it angrily at Thornix.
Thornix (OOC): I sheathe his sword.
DM: ?
Thornix (OOC): I still have the scabbard, you know...
It was pretty impressive...
Arstana: "Ned, I have some new magic I can show you, perhaps you can come out of the house?"
Ned: "Magic.. power"
Arstana: "There's much more power in Nistin!"
Arstana: "You'll have to leave your wife here though."
Ned: *mumbles some sort of horrible disturbing spell*
at this point his sewn together wife stumbles back toward the house
Arstana then looks to me and whispers "Go to the Church of Ezra and tell them we have someone coming."
Me: "I have something to take care of, I'll be right back!"
at this point the dwarf in our party looks at me and asks me out of character
"Why are you taking him to the church of ezra? They're probably going to incarcerate or kill him there" he asks this in all seriousness completely unaware of our plan to do exactly that.
his only response from the group is silence.. then laughter
Sorceress: Is a mummy undead for my disrupt undead spell?
Female Druid (before the DM or I can respond): Well you don't think anyone who was still alive would wrap themselves in bandages, tear out their insides, and lock themself in a sarcofogus.
*small pause*
Me: Well that all depends on whether or not women thought they might lose weight by doing it.
The DM and the rest of the party busted up laughing, while I got dirty looks from the 3 females in the room.
Guy whose name I didn't catch - "You got a four?"
Ray - "I don't have any ranks."
Chris (completely mishearing Ray) - "You don't have any legs?!!?!"
The party was exploring the lower levels of a palace which had been sealed off for years.
DM: You open the door; there's a puff of stale wind, and some dust on the wind.
Player 1: I close my eyes.
Player 2: But only for a moment?
Player 1: *Nods* Then the moment's gone.
DM: *groans* I can't believe you guys just did that.
One of the players had some fun with the d20F mutations rules, and has a clawed and fanged character who's blind, but detects things via echolocation and must drink blood...
Ed: You are the worst vampire ever.
It's still new enough to throw us off... for now.
Me: Well that all depends on whether or not women thought they might lose weight by doing it.
That one got me hitting the floor ^^
Got a few new shorts from last night, too:
We just had a discussion about Metagaming. We finished with the statement that your character, first of all, doesn’t know he’s been played, and second, does not necessarily know what the player knows. If so, although there is no way he could know it, the player gets a penalty.
Rogue: *sighs* Do you know where I’d like to be now?
Half-Orc Barbarian: Uh… New York?
*silence*
Me/DM:
Barbarian:
That city in the Northeast? You know Nui’Orc? ---
Bard: Have you found anything valuable?
Rogue: I won’t give away my harp!
Bard: You found a harp?
Rogue: Yes, of gold!
Bard: Of gold… it’s probably heavy...
---
Our Druid exaggerated that “The Char doesn’t know what you do” rule a bit and overdescribed his spells, this time Owl’s Wisdom, while fighting Duergar:
I get a blackboard out of nowhere and call out:
Monk! Now, today we’ll learn something about Dwarf Anatomy…
---
Party tries to get a friendly oger to join them, now they think about how to smuggle him into a human city.
Monk: I know! We’ll just use a bit of wood and some fur of his…and we’ll make this uber-disguise, some fake glasses with a huge nose and a mustache!
---
Rogue: (was just knocked out by that very Ogre)
Why can’t you just put me into the Bag of Holding? (you don't want to know what else they thought of after that...)
---
Rogue: (Was, in the end, strapped naked with an eyepatch over his private parts onto that very ogre, now was released by the party’s druid)
Whoa! My eyepatch!
I put it on!---
Rogue: (after having lost his memory) Damn… where are we?
Monk: We’re in the Shire! Here, everybody consists of cake! Even that park bench! Try a bite!
---
Monk: (talking to a registration clerk) Say, who is the Commander in Charge about this mission?
Clerk: That would be *soandso*, the baron’s most loyal general.
*Monk is severely distracted*
DM: Uh… monk? You’re still talking to the clerk, right?
Monk: Oh! Uh… where does that guy live?
Party+Me:
---
Monk: Hey… have you ever thought about just being evil and making our Ogre lift up roofs so we can steal money from people?
Druid: Yeah, sure, so that Ogre can lift up houses…
Monk: *throwing around with sarcasm* Of course, just lift up the house so you need to climb his arm to enter it!
---
DM: So, what do you guys do?
Barbarian: I go home.
Bard: You don’t have a home!
---
Monk: Uh… say… what happens if you puke into the Bag of Holding? What happens to the vomit? And, most importantly, what the F*** happens to all the items in the bag?!
(please note I already realized this player is having a hard time to play a lawful neutral monk ;))
---
(notice: there were several minutes of playtime between these)
DM/Me: *playing the Ogre* Gholag hungry.
Bard: Alright, let's just get something to eat for Golgat.
Monk: What's wrong, Girloh?
Druid: Let just Calgon do what he wants.
DM/Me: Seriously, if this goes on, in five sessions his name will be Diarrhea...
Party was a thief-fighter dagger master, a scimitar wielding fencer type, a ranger, a crossbow wielding thief-fighter-Deepwood Sniper, a druid-bard-flamemaster PRC from a book, and two NPCs.
Me: Describes the room above.
PC1: Ok, I take the wand and dispel a glyph.
Me: Ok, there are now only 29 glyphs...you recall testing the wand was weakly charged.
PC2: I just open the door.
Me:
ooookkkk...(gathering dice) Erm, do you guys have some extra D6s? I dont have enough....PCs: :OMG! (but handing over dice)
Me: (as cascade of dice fall several times) Ok, everyone make reflex saves....93 points, save for half...
(party makes the saves somehow, but are a little singed...they were 8th level though, and mostly unhurt before.)
Me: Ooook, after that little incident...now what? (im expecting them to walk through the door that they just opened...)
PC2: I shut the door.
Me:
you...oh god...PC3: You just reset the trap...
PC2: ...
Me: Erm, now what???
PC1: Area dispel!!
Me:
Ok, the wolf statues appear to be coming to life, but the glyphs are gone...(battle that almost kills the PCs, one was bleeding out. But the make it out of the room...)
Me: In all of my time...HOW did you people manage to set off BOTH traps????
PCs: But one HAD to be set off!
Me: Every try dispelling the DOOR????
PCs: ............................................
I guess everyone has lapses in thought. Even whole parties...:D
I've posted this on an older version of this thread, but it's still funny.
The party was exploring the lower levels of a palace which had been sealed off for years.
DM: You open the door; there's a puff of stale wind, and some dust on the wind.
Player 1: I close my eyes.
Player 2: But only for a moment?
Player 1: *Nods* Then the moment's gone.
DM: *groans* I can't believe you guys just did that.
:heehee Quoting Kansas in a D&D session...
My players are a quality bunch , as middle aged professionals we can be relied upon to take balanced and measured views of all situations.
On entering a sumptuous bedroom , in a castle where all residents seem to be labouring under some form of curse (castle amber anyone?).......
DM: (me) You see an incredibly large bed in the centre of this room. The bed is a four poster with curtains drawn on all sides
Rougue: Ok , I will creep over to the bed and attempt to silently pull back the covers to see what is there
Gnome Cleric: Wait , I'll cast my domain invisibility spell on you just in case , we will hang back by the door while you go and look
Rogue: Ok , thanks
Rogue silently approached the bed , invisible and succesfully moves silently , pulls back the curtain to see what appears to be a female hill giant , lying on top of the bed , dressed in matronly night atire......our Rogue returns to the party.
Rogue: It's a hill giant , wearing a nightie! She is fast asleep
Elven Mage: Check out the rest of the room , see what there is worth nicking!
Elven Ranger: No , go and backstab her , lets just finish her off , it's going to end that way anyway , look that git is smiling (refering to me!)
Rogue: One hit might kill her do you think?
I smile to myself , knowing full well that he is not even going to use the words coup de grace and that one hit almost certainly will not kill her. I am also aware that she has valuable info for the party.
Gnome Cleric: Give it a go , we will be back here. You are invisible anyway so if not just run
At this I can barely contain myself , they know damn well he will appear on attack , they are not thinking straight because of a recent close shave with a wierd Lion headed giant fellow.
Rogue: OK , be ready to heal me if this goes wrong , I'll stab her in the eye
Gnome Cleric: No , stab up her nose!
DM , Eleven Ranger and Mage , human Barbarian and dwarven fighter laugh out loud - Paladin attempts to grumble about it , but fails due to inability to prevent himself from laughing
So our rogue approached , silently pulls back the curtain , stabs the poor lass in the eye (causing a total of about 28 points of damage , the dagger was not long enough to enter the brain)
Giantess: Agghhhhhh , I'm blind , I'm a lady you know , I am really
She grabs our now visible rogue and holds him by the throat , (grapple eh!) She begins to squeeze
Rogue: Stop , I'm sor..............
DM:shush now little fellow , you cannot say a word , you are slowly dying of asphixiation
Needless to say the cleric ended up wasting the remainder of his days spells patching her up , before the rogue was released , the remainder of the encounter went well due to the Paladins diplomacy , however that little interchange about where to stab her was for me at least ..... priceless!
We where in town in a tavern and a local bard was playing on stage. The DM intended it to be an opportunity for us to find out about some local goings on.
The bard asked if there where any requests
"can you play the Safe Auto jingle"
Bard: "1-800-SafeAuto"
(Kinda long but I can guarantee its worth it.)
-=-=-=-
DM:
Upon getting a closer look, you can see that the goblin is sound asleep. It wakes up five seconds later to see that it's throat is sliced open, and the sound of it choking on blood is the last that it makes as it falls over dead.
Luthien:
Luthien drags the corpse to the darkest, most out of the way place in the room he can find. He then clips the ears off with his knife and tucks them into a pouch. Ha...let the farmer laugh at me now. Proof that I'm not the coward he claims I am. I just boldly met the enemy, dealt valiant battle with him and emerged victorious! He then presses his ear against the door, attempting to listen for anything on the other side. He also examines the door for a handle, latch or lock as well as any booby traps.
DM:
You can hear two voices from the other side of the door; one sounds like a raspy, primitive voice, while the other sounds feminine and civilized. However, you cannot discern what they are saying.
Luthien:
Hmmmm...one, maybe two. I think I can deal with that...
Luthien drags the goblin's corpse into the center of the room and props him up in a sitting position so that he'll be the first thing someone sees when they come through the door. Then Luthien presses himself against the wall beside where the door opens and holds his knife at the ready. With his free hand, he knocks five times on the door, as loudly as he can. His goal is for the person on the other side to enter the room, be distracted by the corpse and then die as a knife is plunged into his back.
DM:
You hear dead silence for several moments, and then the sound of something walking towards the door graces your ears.... the door creaks, and a goblin sticks it's nose out, and catches sight of it's fallen comrade. It runs over to the body, with a spear drawn.... and it's back to you.
Luthien:
Luthien steps behind the goblin as he rushes through the door and quickly follows behind. As the goblin pauses over his fallen comrade, Luthien plunges his bloody dagger towards the creature's unprotected back.
DM:
Your dagger punches right through the goblin's heart, and it falls to the ground gurgling and choking on blood.
Luthien:
Luthien quickly snips off its ears as well, placing them in the pouch along with the other set. He quickly pulls down each goblins' pants, rolling the first onto its stomach and then rolling the second on top of the first in a rather lewd manner. Picking up the dropped spear, he goes back to his hiding place besides the door and shouts in his best mock-goblin voice.
"Help! Help! He's gone maaaaad! Ow! Ow!!"
He then waits, spear at the ready, for any more goblins to come charging through the doorway.
DM:
A single goblin comes charging through the doorway... and yells out in fright upon seeing the sight you have set up, dropping it's morningstar in the process.
Luthien:
Luthien goes for the hat trick, taking a step forward and driving the spear towards the goblins unprotected back with as much force as he is able.
DM:
Your spear takes the goblin right in the heart, and it dies in much the same way as the last one.
Luthien:
Luthien quietly whistles a cheerful little tune and withdraws his knife once more, clipping off another set of goblin ears. Sadly, he's run out of room in his pouch. Pulling the drawstring out of the third goblins slacks and adding a small hole at the end of each ear, he strings the six tokens along it and ties a slipknot, then loops it over his belt.
With a yank, the third goblins pants are down and he is carefully positioned with the other two.
Why stop when you're on a role? I'll clean this goblin warren out one at a time!
Pulling the spear free, Luthien turns and shouts in his goblin voice.
"Ow! Ow! Now they've both got me! Oh, the humanity!"
Luthien:
This time, your call doesn't lure anyone out from the other side of the door.
(In the meanwhile the ranger has been following Luthien's tracks, and Luthien has found a halfling imprisoned in the room where the goblins had been)
DM to Donk the Ranger:
You land in a hallway in between two circular rooms. The room on your right appears empty, but you notice several goblin bodies lying in the room on your left.
Donk:
I head into the one with some Dead Goblins and look for traces of Luthien. And I draw Frostbiter.
DM:
You walk into the room, and you see Luthien standing in an open doorway... it looks like he's talking to someone. You notice that the goblins are stacked in a rather lewd manner, with their pants pulled down and their ears cut off....
Donk:
I sneak up on luthien if I can.
DM:
Luthien doesn't notice you as you creep up on him...
Donk:
I walk right Behind him and Rest the blade of Haeven on his shoulder slowly sliding it down as to let him know he has been got.
"Hey yappy. Did you <*cough* *ahem* *clears throat*> those dead goblins?"
Luthien:
In a purely instinctual reaction, Luthien kicks back his right heel with all the force he can muster (at about crotch level) as the sword makes contact with his shoulder, giving a chivalrous yell along with it (though it may seem like a girlish squeel to others).
Donk:
Donk takes the hit right to the nutts. He moves the just in time not to cut yappy.
"OOOOOWWWW, Luthien! " Donk says as he then reaches up and hits Luthien in the nutts all bad Santa style.
Luthien:
Luthien falls on top of the three dead goblins, hands cupping his injured area and his face a portrait of perfect anguish.
"You can't..."
His voice squeeks out. Clearing his throat, he tries again - this time at the correct pitch.
"You can't just sneak up on a person like that! Do you know how absolutely wrong that is?! I was just telling this little person the exact same thing when you decided to just waltz on in and start rubbing me down with your Pelor-cursed talking sword!"
Turning his head back to the halfling.
"My name is Luthien Gavino. I apologize for not shaking your hand, but as you can see they're currently the only thing keeping my manhood firmly attached to my body. The gentleman writhing on the floor next to me is my...friend. You'll have to excuse his manners, but he grew up on a farm - as I'm sure you can smell."
DM: You fail to save and you turn...into a PIXIE!
Me: WHAT?!?
Other character:
Me (to DM): I cast mordenkaiden's disjunction (to other character): If you ever tell anyone about this, I will personally kill you there and then.
Same campaign: We were fighting a balor in a hallway that was hit by darkness. I had blindsight on, and was close enough to sense the balor.
Me: I cast decapitating scarf.
DM: Roll to hit, and then roll to beat SR (didn't realize that its not subject to SR)
Me: okay...I hit and beat SR.
DM: What does the balor have to roll to save?
Me: (Some high, but accurate, number that would take insane luck to beat)
DM:
Okay...the balor's head comes off. Because of a scarf. It blows up.That was the first round of combat with the balor.
after ending a very trying battle the kender in our party (from dragonlance) has found two magic rods.
Wizard:Hey kender did you find anything
Kender: (rummages through pockets randomly) i found two sticks
Wizard:Those are magic wands!
Kender: Oh really??!! (holding the sticks above his head) ABRACADBRA ABRCADABRA! ::while spinning in a circle::
The wands were a wand of fireball and lightningbolt needless to say the cleric had to pray for divine intervention... again....
Kale- Matt (me)
Ray- Pat
DM: Your spell seems to burn out as it gets within 20 feet of the knight.
Kale: Crap, antimagic, I cast disjunction.
DM: Nothing happens, this is dead magic not anti magic
Kale: Crap, I use an instant spell... I summon an iron wall above his head
DM: It dissapears, again this is DEAD magic its the ABSCENCE of the weave.
Kale: Crap, (will you stop saying crap -echo of another player) I summon wild magic to attempt to counter this "dead magic" of yours
DM: Nothing happens.
Kale: Alright I've had just about enough of this
Ray: You MAY just have to take him on nonmagically, or use that ludicrous diplomacy you boast about.
Kale: My ass!
DM: Matt damn it take a hint, I dont want you to kill this guy
Kale: I cast telekenesis on that massive boulder nearby and send it flinging into his sorry puny shell at over a thoasand mph.
DM:
Kale: NOTHING MAGICAL ABOUT THAT ASS****
Ray: I should have known he would find a way, see I told you Dave.
DM: Shut up Pat, damn spellcasters...
Andrew-Sorceror, human
Tom-halforc fighter
Will-drunken master
DM-dude thats a prestige class
Tom-so
DM-this is a lvl 1 campagn
Tom-so
DM you need the prerequisits
Tom-i have em
Me-coughbullcough
Tom-shut up
me- i throw my javelin at the dragon
dice roll
dm-you miss
me-wait this thing is four storys tall im 20 ft away and i miss
dm-so
party druid-okay we need to find a way in to the fortress destroy it and kill the monk bastard
party rogue-umm no i think we let him live
fighter-shut up
cleric-i think its not a good idea eather
wizard- i think it is
cleric- you guys can sneak in without the rogue and without my healing spells
druid-iv got healing spells
cleric- not as many
druid-so
cleric-(rollseyes) go ahead ill watch
so we go and assault the fortress get totally masacred with the exeption of the wizard who returns breathless spellless and covered in blood
wizard-..cought.. sob...the orcs stole my spell book
cleric-
told you youd lose now your just a little spellliss assrogue currently hitting on a bartender-you suck
wizard- casts mage hand from memory and touches the bartenders thigh
bartender-well i never(slap to rogues face) you jerk
she storms off
the rogue removes a dagger from sheath and approachs wizard
rogue- ill kill you
wizard- (raises fists) cmon
right before a fight breaks out the fighter tramps in carrying a dead druid and a wizards spell book
fighter-you wizard ass you lose somthing (throws spellbook at wizard knocking him unconcius)
the fighter walks over to druid and says- restore this you
and thanks for not helpingHalfling Rogue (backing away from the door) -- Uh... Guys... I need a little help out here.
Party continues discussing the best way to get the druid up and moving
Halfling Rogue -- Look leave her alone and get out here and help me.
Druid -- *()$#@) GET ME OUT OF MY CLOTHES! I NEED TO CAST A SPELL.
*Later... The female druid hears a cat purring in a tree and is trying to lure it down*
DM (to the male wizard) -- You see the druid doing something strange to a tree.
Wizard -- What?
DM (shrug) -- You don't know. She's a druid and doing something strange to a tree.
Wizard -- OK. I'll go over to her. (To Druid, leering at her)
Hey... What's up?*the party has just been decimated by a hag. The druid went over to free the seemingly young and naked female and was drained for 14 points of strength. The cleric casts lesser restoration and the druid gets 1 point of health back. Enough that she is now at 1 STR instead of 0. They establish that she really can't move around wearing her clothes. And then... A grick wanders in...*
Halfling Rogue (backing away from the door) -- Uh... Guys... I need a little help out here.
Party continues discussing the best way to get the druid up and moving
Halfling Rogue -- Look leave her alone and get out here and help me.
Druid -- *()$#@) GET ME OUT OF MY CLOTHES! I NEED TO CAST A SPELL.
*Later... The female druid hears a cat purring in a tree and is trying to lure it down*
DM (to the male wizard) -- You see the druid doing something strange to a tree.
Wizard -- What?
DM (shrug) -- You don't know. She's a druid and doing something strange to a tree.
Wizard -- OK. I'll go over to her. (To Druid, leering at her)
I swear, I would love to sit in on just ONE session with you guys...you always come up with the funniest stuff Kitten...
1.
My characters only response, "I'll pay for it."
:D
DM: You see a cart being pulled by four creatures you have never seen before. Driving the cart is what appears to be a large ogre.
Vaddrin (the dark Pally): Does it have a cut scene?
DM: Kevin's crossbow bolt strikes the bear in the back of the groin.
Party:
And my all-time favourite DM's announcement of the start of an encounter:
"Something wants to eat you."
I swear, I would love to sit in on just ONE session with you guys...you always come up with the funniest stuff Kitten...
Considering the group I game with, weird things are bound to happen. I mean, geeze... The God of Chaos is our DM! :D
And why do you think I have to come rushing here to deliver the hilarious goodness that are my games. :D
Here's another one for ya... I ran The Hallowed Hills for the Worldwide Game Day... And the dice were cursed. The guys I ran it for kept botching BADLY.
PC1 -- I try to hit the vampire with the holy symbol.
Me -- OK. Roll your base attack.
PC1 -- rolls a 1 Crap.
Me -- wincing Roll to confirm
PC1 -- rolls Botch Confirmed.
Me -- OK... Here's what happens. You go to hit the vampire with the holy symbol and end up placing it on your own head. You've confused the vampire and you can't figure out why he isn't bursting into flames.
Wandering through a haunted house...
DM - You enter the dining room. Seated around a long table are the bodies of the previous owners of the house and their guests. Everyone is in formal attire, and it appears as though they died after eating food poisened by the cooks.
Player - This is a "Ghost Ship" reference, isn't it?
DM - Yes, now shut up.
Same campaign, exploring another mysterious house, this time with a cadre of NPC guards behind us. We find a ring, and tell one of the guards to try it on. He does, and promptly goes into a coma. Removing the ring and attempting to revive him fails miserably, so naturally we do the heroic thing and stuff him in a closet just as the captain of the guards is entering the room.
Captain - Ah, there you are. We haven't been able to loc... Where's Johnson?
Party looks at one another awkwardly.
Player - He's... scouting. Yes, scouting. Ahead.
On a side note, this campaign our party's rallying cry was roughly "We've set the town on fire again, let's get the Hell out of here!"
Rokugan campaign. I'm playing a Nezumi Rogue with people problems, especially with the party Shujenja who doesn't aim his spells too well and has a Wisdom-draining familiar. After an episode with his familiar, I've had my wisdom practically drained while he's had his boosted sky-high, at which point the group tells me to scout around.
Me - (grumbling) All right, all... YOU LOWERED MY SPOT CHECK, YOU B****!
Shujenja - (very calm and serene) Everything is as it should be.
New campaign. Our party unwittingly unleashed a vampire horde over the land, and then promptly failed miserably at containing it. Our DM has just given us a usual "end of the world" speech.
Player 1 - Hey DM, if the world actually does end, would we get experience for it?
DM - ...What?
Player 1 - Well, I mean, if the vamps kill everybody, we'd be directly responsible for it. That constitutes experiene.
Player 2 - Hey, that's right! The vamps kill everyone and we get experience for it! How much XP would that ammount to?
Player 1 - Enough to make us Epic in like three seconds.
DM - What are you guys talking about?
Player 1 - We're right about this, aren't we?
DM - Well... Technically, I guess, but you guys need to go help the King muster his troops and-
Player 2 - Screw that, go Vamps!
The party were surprised, but they were lucky that the charge didn't reach them down the road. Next round one of 'em moves to engage the smith, and his first attack is a critical, felling the little thug in one good smack.
So I could only describe it as nothing short of smacking his head off somewhere into a field. And of course, the obvious lept in.
'FORE!'
WinterNova:
DM: He says to her...
Female player, Female character: Me?
DM: no her (pointing to Male Player, Female character)
MP,FC: You kept saying her...
DM: Yeah, but you... your CHARACTER is a girl.
MP,FC and FP,FC: oh, right.
DM: *NPC continues talking, asks question*
MP,FC: Her? *pointing to FP,FC*
DM: no - you. You see, i can't really say 'him' and 'he' cos your character is neither a 'him' nor a 'he', and he's not talking to YOU.
MP,FC: He's talking to her?
DM: Yes -
FP,FC: Me?
The First thing to come to mind while reading this was...
THIRD BASE!!
Z
Marcia: "Roll a Spot check everyone."
Bill: [rolls] "Damn. 2."
Marcia: "Congratulations. You found your feet."
Player 2: Well, I'm a druid and a worshipper of Meilikki, I see no reason why the unicorn wouldn't want to be my mount.
Player 1: I do! Because it's so wrong!
Player 2: You've been constantly arguing with me, what's up with you?
DM: What's going on?
Player 2: We're having a disagreement.
Player 1: NO WE'RE NOT!
I know the most dreaded one for some of the party, though. It was last campaign when we had taken an enemy human ranger as a prisoner.
One of the party wanted to kill her, and I kept saying that was a bad idea. At this point, I hadn't even considered what would happen, but it was just such a good opportunity...
Our characters got in an argument (at which point mine burned his pretty good with a comeback which I forgot) and at the end he goes: "What? Do you love her?"
So... I said "No!" (Bluff!). My roll beat everyone's sense motive except for his. It was very, very fun, and began the start of my greatest character ever.
DM (me): Roll a Spot check.
Bard (Bill): 15.
DM: You notice a man sitting in the corner, wearing a dark cloak with the edge of a scabbard sticking out of the bottom of his cloak. He is wearing a small brooch holding the cloak closed with a dragon emblazoned on it.
Wizard (Dan): 2. I know that the fat girl in the corner is looking at me.
DM:
Okay, roll for a Bardic Knowledge check. (None of them had ranks in Knowledge [Cormyr local].)Bard: 1.
Wizard: Well, you know that the fat girl in the corner likes me.
DM/Bard: :D
DM: Okay, go ahead and roll an untrained knowledge check. (I have a houserule that all trained-only skills can be used at a -5 penalty until a rank is put into them.)
Wizard: 1. Okay, well I know that I shouldn't go over and talk to the fat girl. I might end up in bed with her...
The rest of us:
DM: Y'know, the insulting of fat girls is a crime in some countries...
Oh, well, I guess you had to be there.
Nic, our sexy little asian man, was making an oriental psy-war for my western campain. Since I remembered that there is a difference in the height/weight charts between the PHB and OA, I uttered this little charmer, which I still get flak for, some 2 years later. "Are you gonna be human, or asian?"
[EDIT]
Just remembered another one, this one by our gnome illusionist, the first time he ever played. "Listen, do you smell that?"
[/EDIT]
Bayushi: "I snap my fingers, calling my Wakazashi from my Kimono of Storing, proudly displaying my noble heritage for all to see. Then I turn tail, and run like a little girl."
Next round
Me: Ok, your turn Panzy-sama
He tried to take back his honor after that, but didnt do very well.
Note: -Sama is a Japanese honorific meaning something simalar to Lord, so Panzy-sama = Lord Panzy
Note: the Wakazashi is a short sword that can only be carried by a noble.
a) Find him
b) Find a cure for the insanity
...
The players bump into a small invisible building. They outline it and finally find the door. Because of the magical abilities of the building, the door knocker speaks.
DM: Hey hey hey! Stop hurting me!
PCs: Who was that?
DM: It's me! (a face appears on the door knocker)
PCs: What is this building?
DM: Well, it's invisible, and I'm called the Door Knocker. I keep company to my master.
PCs: Does a crazy wizard live here?
When one of the players said that, I just bursted into laughing my ass off. He said it with such sincerety! It was hilarious.
Wigglebottom (after scoring a hit with his bow): Is it dead yet?
DM: Yes, it's quite dead
Wigglebottom: All, right I move to here! (Indicating that he walks forward, right past the Umber Hulk)
DM: Okay, you provoke an attack of opportunity!
Wigglebottom: What? I thought you said he was dead!!
DM: He IS dead! He just hasn't stopped moving yet!
From that point on it became a running gag whenever we fought something undead...
We had seen the green robes, the gray robes and the red robes. Well, the group was travelling over this mountain and as we're resting on the side on the road, a cart rolls by and splashes mud on the ranger/fighter. The guy who played him (Josh) got ****** off and had his character jump up and shoot an arrow at the cart. His character was a loner and stayed away from the group when resting. The cart stops and this black robed orc gets out, sees the arrow stuck in the side of the cart and sees josh's character holding a bow. The orc then blasts him with a fireball and knocking his HP down into the negatives. My druid casts his last healing spell, getting the ranger/fighter back up into the postive HP. That's when it happened.....Josh: I'm gonna shoot the cart again.
DM: Are you sure you wanna do that?
Josh: He can't possibly have another fireball. (something an experienced player should never say to a DM.)
DM: Are you really sure?
Josh: Yes
DM: Ok, you shoot the cart...The orc gets out and looks at you again. Make a reflex save.
Josh: What?!?!?!
DM: Fireball....you get a reflex save.
Josh: Umm....*rolls die* 18
DM: No good, *rolls damage and makes an ugly evil face* Someone get him a new sheet, he needs to roll up a new character.
The story of "He can't possibly have another fireball" got spread across the world by our characters and passed down for generations.
2nd edition quotes:
DM: Blah Blah Blah Big Diety Decends from the sky Blah Blah Blah Everyone on the battle field stares up in awe.
Wizard: Umm can we pretend my character doesn't see this and keeps casting Fireball?
-----
DM: (me) You walk into the room, it is 20 feet wide, tall and long... There is a man holding a flaming scimitar and a dagger dripping with a black caustic liquid, the creature behind him stands 8 feet tall and is covered in icicles and hardened scales, His fangs are red and he looks hungry for YOU!!!!
Stephen: I CHARGE! Have the henchmen charge too, all 8 of them!
Colin: I cast Fireball!
Stephen: but I'm charging!
DM:Did you remember the area..
Colin.. WAIT!
The room explodes! Your fireball deals how much?
Colin: *whimpering* um thats a lot...27
Stephen: Holy crap
DM: OK, you kill all 8 henchmen, the frost devil looks unharmed and...Malachi saves for half.
Stephen: After the Devil is dead, you're next Colin.
Colin: Sorry
DM: You'll never live this down...
------
Rogue: Hey! WE killed the orcs!
DM: Ok, they are all dead, the goblins ran.
Me: I cast detect magic.
DM: The Belt, sword, cloak and book look magical.
Me: I announce this to the party so that they know what to pick up.
Rogue: I pick up the belt and put it on.
DM: You grow boobs, you are now a female!
Rogue: No saving throw?
DM: I guess...
Rogue: Natural 19! I pass?
DM: You save for half, you only grow one boob.
Rogue: WHAT???? Thats worse!
DM: Why'd you wear it without identifying it?
Rogue: I was curious...
Me: I guess you're BI-curious now...lol
------------
DM: The man shouts "THE INTRUDERS ARE RIGHT HERE!" He looks into all of your eyes with a menacing glare after noticing all of you!
Rogue: Can I backstab...
Dm...Do...I
Ranger: He said Noticed!
----------------
3.X and up quotes
JESUS SAVES! Everyone else takes full damage.
A knife in the back is listed as natural causes for drow.
Taking your own pants off without realizing it is a DC 120 Slieght of Hand check, even the gods have trouble with this.
Chris Wilt: "Thats an Illithid? I thought you said it was a Mind Flayer."
--------------------------
DM: Am I giving too much gold?
Chris Wilt: No You aren't giving enough EXP :D
-----------------------------
Me: That DM hates me! I'm an evoker, and look we fight rogues...high reflexes and evasion. And then...MONKS! What now a ninth level Ranger?
Chris Wilt: Maybe a fifteenth level rogue?
Me: I already said rogues...
Chris: A ..Dragon?
Me: Dragons don't get evasion...
Chris: A 15th level Rogue Dragon?
Me.........
------------------
Chris:"How many days is a few days?"
Me:"3"
----------------------
Chris:"Are there any Dragon feats that don't require you to be a Dragon?"
-------------------
Peter: "Alfred?"
Marcos: "Yes, Batman?"
----------------------
DM: "You see some zombies!"
Drake: "Camel Zombies?"
DM: "YOU'RE ON A TUNDRA!"
Drake: "Oh, FROZEN Camel Zombies..."
Dm "..."
-----------------
Peter: "What can I do while prone, that does NOT provoke an attack of opportunity?"
DM: "Pray?"
Peter: "....ALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
--------------
DM: "You see some corpses lying about....some of humanoid figures and of dogs....you see some shattered pieces of wood lying about too..."
Drake: "Dog sled skeletons?"
-------------------
Female Player: "Bra of Holding?"
----------------
Dylan: I put my heavy crossbow to her head and say"If I think you are lying...I'm going to shoot, and I'm not very bright!"
-----------------
"How much war could a Warforged forge if a Warforged could forge war?"
Joni-san
"How much change could a changeling change if a changeling could change change?"
Keith Baker
"If I gain levels in both artificer and rules lawyer, can i take apart the old rules and rebuild new ones?"
Kelstrel
----------------
Illithids are far, far smarter. The handicapped illithid who pumps your gas has 16 INT"
-----------------
Drake: Is she wearing a stylnig commoners outfit?
-----------------------------------------------
Marcos: Can I just bullcrap this?
DM: Sure, roll a bullcrap, I MEAN bluff check
Drake: Same thing
--------------------------------------------
Jumping contest
Peter (Monk): I roll a jump check,...naturak 1...a monl too....
DM: LOL, great job and you
Marcos: I USE DRAGON LEAP!.....Natural 1 also
Drake: Have the commoner roll one!
DM: She beat you both....
----------------------------------------------------------
Steph: Could I have a drink to go?
Drake: Sure, would you liek a sippy cup?
-----------------------------------------------------
Peter: You can flurry with a newspaper???
DM: HAHAHA! Flurry of PROSE! HAHAHA
Drake: AH! I take d4 PUN damage!
--------------------------------------------------
Drake: I don't know these guys....
Keep in mind he's said this seven other times the same session.
------------------------------------------------------
DM: So picture a fat ugly lesbian....
Drake: Rosie O'Donnel?
---------------------
Player 1(Looking in PHB): You have the dexterity of an animated object.
Player 2: Moves like a desk, stings like a bee!
. The DM, tired of having to have everyone always attacking us because the RW was a total pompous ass, decided to have fun.
DM: Cyric has mercy on you!
RW:YES!
DM: You don't die, you're at full health with all your spells and the symbol of Cyric has been burned on your forehead.
(He didn't tell him the catch)
From that night on, he had nightmares of torture, death and pain, he couldn't sleep more than 1 hour at a time because he'd wake up screaming, and forget memorizing spells! AND..any follower of Cyric was forced to try to kill him on sight. He lasted 2 more sessions, until the parrty, tired of have to fight followers of Cyric and all the good gods attacking him and not being, killed him in his short sleep.
After that, the DM allowed NO MORE GOD CALLS.
The party is exploring an underground Drow keep. We stumbeled into a room with a couple drow and a half dozen humanoid zombies. After a brief, furious battle, the Drow are dead, and all but one of the zombies destroyed. The entire party has this single zombie surrounded, and he's at the bottom of the init list.
DM: Alright, your turn.
Fighter: Rolling to hit. (Rolls a 1) Hell.
DM: OK, you're swinging your sword at the zombie and slip in some Drow guts. You are now prone. Cleric, roll to attack.
C: (Rolls a 1) What the...
DM: (Smiling) ...OK, you come in with your mace and get hit in the face by Fighter's sword. Take 1d8 and go prone. Rogue, up.
R: Don't worry guys, I got this. (Rolls 1) Mother f-
DM: (Cracking up) You're moving in to stab him in the back and get clubbed in the leg by the cleric. Take 1d6, go prone. Barbarian, if you screw this up.
B: I'm cuttin' this b**** in two. (Rolls 1) Uh...
DM: (Full on laughter at this point) Guys, you just got taken out by a 5hp zombie.
F: Could happen to anyone.
R: This is sad.
B: The dice are cursed. Cursed, I say!
C: There is no God.
We stopped playing for the night and came back next week with some shiny new D20's.
The dice are Cursed! Cursed I say!
A halfling rogue is standing right behind a large human fighter. The fighter is standing in a doorway of a room, looking down at the markings on the floor. She says to the rogue behind her, "What do you make of this?" To which the rogue replies, "It looks like your backpack."
"Everyone knows that all elves do is dance in the forest and sing lame songs!"
To a gnoll holding a boy hostage: "Sure you can eat the elf, just put the kid down." (The elf in question was his adventuring partner).
DM: Donk, while sitting watch, you notice a strange tingle on your left leg.
Donk: I look down at my leg.
DM: A long, green snake is crawling up your leg.
Donk: I SWING MY SWORD AT IT!!!! Just kidding, First thing, a quick wilderness lore check since I grew up in these woods. Is it poisoness?
Me: Timothae frowns slightly at the snake and his brow furrows. A deep thrumming sounds from him as he sends a bolt of thought to strike the creature. (OOC: Using mind thrust)
DM: Donk - It is a non-poisonous garden snake.
Donk: Donk tries to go all beast master on the snake ( IE animal Empanthy).
Donk slides his hand away from the face and comes underneeth the belly. Then slides up so he can Move the head hirer to look at the snake, " How you doing lil one. "
DM: Donk - The head of the snake suddenly explodes in your hand. (OOC: dang, man, its only got half a hit point and you just rolled a 10)
-=-=-=-
Donk: (OOC) - OK this is funny, You first enter donks thoughts, then move his swords, then replace the swords, then cast suggestion on donk, then when he finds a pet he wants to keep you kill it.
Dude You really need to work on your people skillz.
And they say donk is bad with people
Me: (OOC) - Well... was supposed to be a gesture from Timothae that he's willing to aid in the protection of the group. (he also can't see too well to know if its dangerous or not). Talk about overkill... poor freak just can't do anything right
Setup: This was basically a scrimage game so everyone had *optimized* characters.... except the one new guy. We were going to go through a room that had a mirror on the floor (mirror of opposition duh), which we totally knew. So we had to decide how to get across. My character nominated the new guy to scout ahead, since my characters own words:
"Of any of us, he is least likely to kill himself."
DM: Blah blah blah blah blah you see a squirrel.
Fighter: I pick up the squirrel.
DM: Roll.
Fighter: 19
DM: The squirrel doesn't struggle.
Fighter: I throw the squirrel at Riksha [name of Druid].
Druid: :OMG!
DM: WHAT?!
Fighter: I throw the squirrel.
DM: :confused look: Umm..yeah...roll...
Fighter: WOO! NATURAL 20!
[Not sure if DM is doing this wrong or not, it was 3 in the morning and everyone was tired, but it was priceless.]
DM: Riksha...you take 20 points of damage from the squirrel.
Riksha: :looking at char sheet frantically: YOU KILLED ME WITH A
SQUIRREL!!!We had been fighting a band of evil grigs, who lead us into a small path in the forest.
DM: there is a stump with a small flower on it that appears to have been recently uprooted and placed their
Druid: I sniff the flower
DM: make a fort save
Druid: Uhm ok... (Rolls a 2, then gags on her gingerale) GAK!.... two...three... four.... ehhhr... crap... nine
DM: you fail, you feel as if your nostrils are on fire. the pain creeps slowly and agonizingly up your face and.... (rolls d100) your eyes explode in a gushy mess, you are now blind.
Me (Rogue): Holy crap! they're trapping flowers now? The next thing you know they'll be making stumps into trap doors full of spikes (*sits down on stump)
DM: Make a reflex save...
Me: No.... ****ing.... Way.... SEE I TOLD YOU!!! I TOLD YOU!!! I TO.... (shooomphh... falls)
thankfully I grabbed a root on the way down and managed to climb out, but my rogue was stricken by severe paranoia for the rest of the campaign, and eventually had a mental breakdown.
We're entering a town for the first time and are looking for some jobs. We get directed to a local bar where the headmistress is looking for some bodyguards.
DM: OK, you enter the bar and ask to see the headmistress. The greeter runs up the stairs and after a moment you see the owner come down. She's a tall elf with flowing brown hair and large breasts and is wearing-
Player1: Wait, elves don't have big breasts.
DM: ...What?
P1: Elves are slender and lithe, they don't have big breasts.
DM: Well, this one does.
P1: But that's genetically impossible! Just look in the Player's Handbook!
P2: Maybe she's a half-elf.
P1: He didn't say half-elf, he said elf. And anyway, that'd be C-cup at best.
DM: Guys-
P3: Maybe she has a magical pushup bra.
P4: Can they do that?
P3: I don't see why not.
P4: That'd be pretty expensive, though.
P3: Oh, good point.
DM: Guys-
P2: What if she has a killer Charisma score? That affects how a character looks, right?
P1: Not to the point of disregarding generations of genetic material. High Charisma would give her fair skin, full hair, a nice smile, but not-
DM: GUYS! Will you cut it out with the breasts?
P2: We're just trying to reconcile an in-game inconsistency. What if it has plot relevance?
DM: Well it doesn't, OK?
P3: Well then why did you bring it up?
DM: I... (blank stare)
P1: We're messing with one of your freaky sexual fantasies, aren't we?
DM: ...Moving on.
This next one took place later, when the town has been experiencing a series of roberies. We get a description of the robbers, and apparently they are of the same race and class make-up as our party. Unfortunately, this adventure happened the day after the Time-Warp eppisode of "Sea Lab 2021" first aired, se we got a little distracted.
P1: Oh my God, we're going against Dopplegangers!
DM: No, they're not Dopplegangers, just people who look like you.
P2: You mean Dopplegangers?
DM: No.
P3: Are they working for Queen Dopplepopalus?
DM: NO.
P4: How do you deal with Dopplegangers?
DM: THEY'RE NOT FRICKIN' DOPPLEGANGERS!
P2: But they look like us and act like us. That makes them Dopplegangers.
DM: (sighs, rubs eyes) The next person who says Doppleganger gets their character killed, OK?
Players: Alright...
5 minutes later, we track down the thieves. Initatives are rolled, we're up first.
P1: I charge the first Doppleganger and attack.
DM: (face glows red) Out of nowhere, an arrow shoots you in the back of the head. You die.
P1: WHAT?
P2: Dude, these Dopplegangers are hard-core.
DM: (livid) An arrow shoots you in the chest, YOU DIE TOO.
P2: It's not my turn!
DM: I DON'T CARE!
P3: Guys, stop saying Doppleganger!
DM: YOU'RE DEAD TOO!
P3: S***.
P4: (looks around the table; smiles) Doppleganger.
DM: (throws down notes, storms out of room.)
Fun times.
In our current campaign, we had a halfling druid who rode his wolf animal companion as a steed. The halfling's name? Little Woody. The wolf? Mister Happy. Crude jokes were flying everywhere for weeks.
Last week, Woody had the misfortune of learning what happens when a dire ape manages to get two hits on you and adds rending damage. I realized that we no longer had a halfling; we now had two quarterlings- upper and lower. After the fight was over, the party started discussing options on how to bring Woody back. The session ended there, and we finished things off last night. The party found a friendly druid who was willing to reincarnate Woody. I'm not a really big house-rules kinda guy, but I did put together an extended table for reincarnation results.
Woody is back. But now he's an aarakocra. 'Bird-man of Alcatraz', feather dusting, and picking-up-chicks jokes were tossed about. It wasn't until after the game ended and my wife and I were on our way home, however, that she thought of the best pun. We hurried home and I started scouring ebay to try and find a resin figure so I'll have it next weekend. I'll pull out everyone's character minis and announce to the group that we've found a good figure for the druid's new body. Then I'll set Woody Woodpecker on the table and enjoy the look on the player's face.
Tony(our drow who can hardly ever make it to games): So what do i get?
DM: Hmm ::rolls percentials::
Dice: 99 ( in this case high was good)
DM: HMMMMM??? (thinks really hard) Well since you worship oldemara you get laid by an angel.
Me and my freind:
:OMG! Tony:
DM: You get a +1 to all moral now but first save to not go into a extastic coma
Tony: ::fails save::
DM: Now we have a happy drow in a coma with a +1 all saves
DM: The marketplace is very busy, merchants haggle with each other noisily, craftsmen offer their wares and adventurers browse for interesting finds. There are two members of the town guard standing nonchalantly by a glovers stall.
Brig: (Pointing at the miniatures for the guards) I go up and laugh at their funny uniforms.
Guard 1: What's so funny?
Brig: Giggles
Guard 2: You want to spend a night in the cells?
Brig: Giggles
Guard 1: Right thats it grab her.
failed attack roll to initiate a grapple and Brigamediga runs back to the party with the guards in hot pursuit.
Antarius: What seems to be the problem?
Guard 1: Your gnome has been causing a disturbance and resisting arrest we reckon a night in the cells will teach her a lesson.
Antarius: Surely there's some arrangement we can come to (fails diplomacy roll) Um, er Reece you're on good terms with the town guard what do you think?
Reece: What exactly has been going on?
Guard 2: Oh hi Reece, this gnome has been causing trouble. We reckon a night in the cells will sort her out.
Brig: Giggles
Reece: That sounds about right.
Brig: Giggles...what?
Reece: A real trouble maker this one, I'd watch her, she doesn't mean any real harm but I think a night in the cells will do her good.
Brig::OMG!
Other players and DM:
"Um... won't we get caught in that chain reaction?"
"Maybe you will, I have evasion and +24 to reflex saves."
Fine, fine moment in a campaign. We fought lots of balors in that campaign. I only got caught in the explosion once.
The psionist to the female wizard, not realizing the double entendre...
"Do you have any spells that specialize in blowing?"
And just today, we kicked off a casual campaign where the three players each decided to make a wizard. Out of character, they were deciding what to do with the rest of their evenings. The wizards were named Arthur Cunningham, Max, and Pankas. The conversation went something like this...
P: "I don't know what to do... I sit there and read a book."
X: "You just sit there and read?"
A: "Well, what would you do if you were a wizard named Pankas?"
X: "Cry."
While fighting basicly all 3 BBEGs at once
Human Cleric "Ferol": Have faith! We're gonna make it!!
Gnome Spellblade "Burgell": You're real big on this faith thing arn't you?!?
Ferol: I'm a cleric, it's what I do!
Also while fighting the BBEGs (note these things have REALLY high AC's)
Human Sorcerer "Dangleton" Now for MY time to shine, GO MAGIC MISSLE!!"
While trying to rent an extra room in an inn so as to bring in Orc followers with Bracelet of Friends in to a non-orc friendly town
Burgell: Can I get an additional room so that i can practice magic?
DM: you know you just told him you're gonna blow up his inn right?
Burgell: (always the quick-thinker) For practicing my illusion magics, you know, for kids!
Griffon\Human Mage- F***YOU Bonehead!!!
Had a fighter/lasher (from Sword & Fist classbook, 3e). He was on his way to becoming a bard, so he had this thing for flashy entrances (and exits). Plus, high intelligence and low wisdom kinda make a good mix for goofy plans.
The party was sleeping a a inn, all in individual rooms. In the room next to this crazy whip weilding fighter was the group Psion. Was a nice support char, but make a lousy anti-assassins PC ;)
So, the crazy warior (me) wake up 'cause there was fightning in the room next to him (psion room, try to keep up). He didn't gave a tought about it. I told the DM :
"I grap my whip and scimistar and jump out the room window !"
To what I was greeted with some "WHAT ?!?" and "you coward !" and such ...
Then I pull my stunt : I swung my whip to a outcropping of the roof (this is where the luck come in, there was something to hold me lol) and swung right trought the psion window.
Needless to say I caught the assassin totally off guard. Imagine a guy bursting trought a window wearing only a whip and a loincloth and with a scimistar in his mouth.
Needless to say the poor guy was beaten to a pulp by a loin cloth wearing warrior and a astounded psion ;) The damn paladin slept right trought the fight !
Damn, I love saying only half my plan to the DM ! Always keep the good part for yourself until the right time come lol
Have fun !
Dm-You enter the Great Hall, sitting on the throne wearing the Crown of Liches (artifact) is the Lich King. Standing to either side of him are his two lich followers. He stands up, saying, "You have entered my domain puny humans, My power is unbeatable in my ancestrial home. Bow down before me, give yourselves your lives to me or be forever slain on this battlefield."
Griffon\Human Mage- F***YOU Bonehead!!!
Sorta sounds like what happened to our epic party (they weren't quite epic when this scene happened).
Half the party chased a "merchant" through the woods while my cleric and the sorceress stayed behind, the cleric being the slowest of the bunch and not needing to go running after him as she could cast "Discern Location" to find him. Which she cast while the sorceress stood guard. Once we found out where he went, we followed using a Teleport. But when we got there, we found Gargauth sitting on a throne facing the rest of the party. He looks at all of us and tells us:
Gargauth: Join me or die!
My cleric just stared stoicly at him and calmly gave him The Finger. Without even a word, just flipped him off. She later gave him The Finger after she slew him and his ghost went flitting off....
There are so many memories I have, but I can't seem to remember them! Here's one that comes to mind:
3.5, low level party. A human fighter who is an ex-fisherman (uses harpoons and what-not), a Neraph Ranger (this is a really cool race with no LA), and a cleric of nerull.
A barfight breaks out in the tavern we are all in. Y'know, people start fighting, breaking bottles etc. The PCs all join in. Everything is going well, 'till one of the drunks smashes Rusty Shackleford (the fighter) over the head with a bottle.
DM: "Okay, one of the drunks swings at you with a wine bottle." *rolls* "He hits you for 4 damage, and the bottle smashes into pieces."
Rusty: OOC "Lethal or non-lethal damage!?"
DM: "Lethal."
Rusty: "Okay." *rolls dice*
DM: "What are you doing?"
Rusty: "I'm impaling the guy on my harpoon."
DM: "What!?"
Rusty: *looks at dice* "Natural 20! Rolling to confirm..."
Everyone else: *stares anxiously at the rolling dice*
Rusty: "A total of 18, he's mine!"
DM: "Okay, you turn and impale the poor sap on your massive harpoon, he yelps a little then just gurgles and slumps over..."
The rest of the party members decided to start killing all the drunks. It was a blood bath. They didn't know the RULES of barfights (i.e., NO KILLING!).
you think THAT'S bad, in some of the campaigns with my friends, for some unknown reason, many people at bars are armed, i presume it is an adventuers bar or something, so a lot of the time crossbow quarrels and arrows fly all over the place during barfights, i think my sorcereors have occasionally cast magic missle on the inhabitants of bars, well, for some stories/lines, here i go
-let's go pillage a village
rhyme created by my remorhaz character
DM: okay, you wake up and 10 goblins stand over you,what do you do?
elf fighter PC: light a torch and swing it at the goblins
DM: :OMG! roll
PC: snakes
DM: roll to hit
PC: 16
DM: okay... you take 9 damage from the torch(strength+damage)
PC: *unconcious*
DM: the goblins deliver coup de graces, your dead
The Druid had gone off chasing pseudodragons (apparently leaving a note scrawled in charcoal across the halfling's butt...) (The druid's PC was very ill for that game and didn't attend.)
Druid -- The pseudodragons got into my birth control stash of herbs and tore it apart. They reduced my 2 week stash to a one week stash.
Sorcerer -- (has been hitting on the druid for quite some time.) Well, do you want to hang out around here for a week?
Party stares at him.
Sorcerer -- (confused) So you can restock on your herbs.
Druid -- Oh. OK.
I thought you wanted to make use of them. Sorcerer -- Well, we could do that too!
Druid --
DM (me): Telkar, you have caught up to the halfling.
Telkar the cleric: I attack him and use my smite!
*Rolls*
Telkar: 20! Crap! I forgot to mention I was striking for subdual!
DM:
Telkar: I crit him. *Rolls damage* 27 damage.
DM: You are now splattered with halfling guts as the halfing with 7 HP is torn in half by your axe.
Telkar: Well, at least I got him...
Me: Hey, why'd Krim get that check?
Paladin: Yeah, whats up with that?
DM: He's an elf, he's over 1000 years old, he's seen everything!
Later, we're wandering around and Krim finds a scale. We ask if he recognizes it as a dragon scale, and the DM goes, "No, he's never seen a dragon, how would he know?" Then me an the Paladin, at the same exact time, go "Ohhhh, but he's an elf, he's over 1000 years old, he's seen EEEEVERYTHING!"
Needless to say, that dragon showed up after that... heh.
Fighter -- I'm going to swing at the guy and graze his armor.
DM -- Roll your attack.
Fighter -- rolls 23
DM -- OK, you hit. CLANG!
Fighter -- Oh
DM -- What
Fighter -- I forgot my sword is a frost sword
DM --
Roll it.Fighter -- a 4?
DM -- The guy takes 4 points of frost damage. He stumbles back and gives you a "what the hell" look.
The druid with the wolf animal companion discovers she can do a new trick
Druid -- Look what I can do! wildshapes into a wolf
Player 1 -- Aww, look it's puppy love
Player 2 -- No we can really tease you about having a wolf as your "companion"
Player 3 --
Druid --
Screw you guys. To the DM -- Where is Snapper?Player 3 -- Sniffing your butt
Druid -- No he's not!
DM -- :shrug: He is a male wolf and now you're a female wolf. He is indeed sniffing your rear.
The Druid attempts to defend the fighter... And fails miserably
Druid -- I wildshape into wolf!
DM -- OK, take 4 points of damage as a heavy club comes crashing down upon you. You see everyone in the bar standing up adn most of them are armed.
Druid -- I run! I want to cause a riot in the streets in wolf form so I can lose anyone who tries to follow me.
DM -- OK... Then what.
Druid -- I go back to the ship and scurry down below. And I bite HIM! points at fighter
DM --
OK. What does everyone else do for the week. Players except for fighter and druid give a list of stuff they'd like to do
Druid -- I change into a wolf every day just to bite the fighter. And I'm still stuck below decks for a week...
Fine... Wizard, you get your wish. Let's make use of those birth control herbs. Wizard -- SWEET! Elf Nookie!
DM -- Please tell me you take the herbs.
Druid -- Hell yeah... I don't want to get pregnant by HIM! I'm just sleeping with him because I'm bored.
A DC of 0, she considered herself quite the wordly sexy woman.
So my favored soul made the comment, "You have more ***** than you know what to do with."
Afterwards she worried aobut a longterm relationship with this cat guy, I told her, "Look he is a servant of Bast, he is use to people coming and going."
Needless to the Ranger stopped there. Thank god.
We have a fighter in the party, total moron. He blocks a narrow hallway which lead out in a 50X50 room filled with 2HD skeletons, about ten. We are all 5th level characters.
He blocks the way and get the wizard angry. He tells us some crap about protecting us. He uses a great axe and does full damage against these things and they don't go down as all 6 skeletons hit him each round. I try to heal him with reach spells, but He won't let the wizard, or cleric out to help him. He refuses to move at all. Finally our wizard magic missled Bull rushed him and Threw a fireball the saved the day after mowing this fighter down as he rolled a 1 on opposed strength to a wizard who made a twenty. He took around 32 damage from all the skellies. Quite massive.
He tried justifying himself and sayin how great he was. My favored soul said "Yeah yeah, now stop bleeding on your own without our help. then I'll be impressed." He shut up and then started harassing the evoker. She promised to throw a fireball at him contesting she was every bit as strong as him and didn't need to be protected. He is convinced he is a great person. He then goes outside in current condition and awaits a further slew of undead, about 23 skellies of the same. We are watching him on horse back as he does not even ask to borrow a mace of anything. Convinced his great axe will help him more. After he died, we a neutral good to chaotic good party didn't say a word. He deserved it. We tried to convince him not to do it, and he did it anyway.
My favored soul on the way back said "Too bad we left all our items on him...OH CRAP!" We shooted back and defeated the horde of undead in one turn with fireball/turn undead. We got our stuff back and left the fighter there, he was a zombie who we punched around for fun and left there to wander forever.
Zane (the pirate): So is anyone up for troll meat?
The group: :OMG!
Zane: what... they are really good....
Me: but dont trolls kinda burn and explode?
Zane: not if you cook them right.
Edit:Typo
"I'm an elf and I hate you!!" Fire my bow and move out of the way of so the ettin can attack the elf. Unfortunately, the ettin didn't know what an elf was and attacked me anyway.
Group of bandits holds up the group. Boss of the bandits says, "Give us your money and we'll let you go."
My elf rogue says, "I got a better deal, how about I give you the finger (which I then do) and you let us go."
Everybody busted up, yeah we're nerds and had all seen the matrix.
DM: You are in front of the local rogues guild, it is clear that the door is bugged with traps and any try to open it will set it off.
We had no one able to disarm the traps, so while group thinking of a plan I say that I would like to knock on the door...
DM: After knocking on the door you clearly hear a number of foot steps coming towards it from the other side. (Everyone else dives for cover) The door creaks as it swings open...(So I say to the group out of game: that wasn't so hard) and a big pale white creature growls "Who's there?"
DM: You see the Generator.
P1: I shut it off and wait.
DM: Well two guys with flashlights holding pistols searches the generator room.
P1: I hide...5, damnit! Wait I got an idea I pretend to be a tree,
DM: Your kidding, well roll bluff
P1: Natural 20!!!! "Hey I'm A Tree!" He calls out.
DM: Well they find you and roll sense motive...a 5. You gotta be kidding me! One of the guys says, "Look Dog! I think that's a tree yo!" They are dumbfounded...
Another one from those one-shot adventures:
DM: You are right by the barn where the ghouls seem to be eminating from.
P1: Is there Hay nearby?"
DM: Yeah,
P1: Is it dry?"
DM: Yup,
P1: I take that flare and throw it at the hay!
DM: Okay roll to see if you get it.
P1: 18
DM: Well not only does it catch on fire within minutes the entire barn is BLAZING! Suddenly the barn door bursts open as two ghouls on fire are carting some kind of wood chipper machine.
P1: Awesome!
One of the best one-liners in my game. My Dhampir (Half-Vampire) Cop readies a molotov cocktail as a group of Drow hitmen come in after him at a nightlclub
Cop: Hey drink's are on me!
Dwarf putting foot on orcs neck: All right orc I have a question that will either save your life or end it... Do you got anything to drink?
Orc:??? Ummm maybe up the tree.
Dwarf: Well you best get up there and get it for me.
Orc: *starting to get up and grabs the tree looking up* Do i have too? I mean they are just waiting there for me.
Dwarf: Get.
Orc: *Gulps* *looks at dwarf* Do i have too?
Dwarf: Fine jsut get out of here I'll get it myself.
Well its reasonable to say that the Orc couldnt get far before being killed.
Druid: I cast flame strike as far down on the neck as possible. *only its neck was showing*
DM: Alright, that's how much damage?
Druid: Ummm, 82 damage.
DM: Alright,*to me* as you are about to climb out it gets very hot inside and the hole you just cut seals shut.
Me: I say I hate you.
DM: OK, but they are going to have to make a listen check to hear you.
Cleric - By Torm be with us.
Fighter - I'm gonna need a bigger ax.
Rogue - Va..it's only a lich.
Fighter regaining consciousness after the cleric/rogue heals him
That'll be 50 gold. *extends hand*
Party confronting rogue on selling them into slavery after being freed by pirates
Fighter - YOU SOLD US INTO SLAVERY!! Somone give me an ax!
Cleric - I'm going to curse you.
Ranger - I think I found my new favored enemy
Rogue - Yar! I not knowin' who ye be talkin' aboot. Let's go find this scally wag.
Wizard: Some... days... I really hate... this job...
Fighter: It's not just a job! IT'S AN ADVENTURE!
Finally one of the players is fed up with it and says OOCly, "If he doesn't stop with this routine and expects us to continue playing along, I'm going to cut off one of his horns, and around the remaining one hang a sign saying, "Lookit, I'm a unicorn!"
Our Party was clearing out a space station infested with "the hive" Alien creatures not unlike those from "ALIEN" the movie. My PC has Space marine powered armor minus the helmet, and a few "goodies" One of the other PC's has a universal translator with a speaker on it. We come into a compartment with the lighting off, and a PC lights a flare. It is then we notice the walls are moving.. covered with hive aliens. Just as they start to converge, I hold up a sphere over my head. Over the universal translator we all hear...
"HOLY SH!T EARLE... THAT GUY HAS A MELTA BOMB!!!!"
it took about 5 mins for laughter to subside
( I dont know.. it was funny at the time) :P
Clericman184: we had this puzzle that involved crumbling tiles when other tiles were stepped on
Clericman184: so our rogue/ranger goes through it all, nearly killing himself in the process
Clericman184: then afterwards I'm like "hey guess what? I've got air walk!"
Clericman184: they all just looked at me and glared...
"You lot wait here and try to stay quiet, i'll go and take the thief up the tunnel"
It made us giggle at the time, but this was nearing the end of a 24 hour gameing session.
One i came up with in a LARP game recently, after 3 games in a row by different DM's had my character crawling through various sewers.
"Can't i go one week, one bloody week without having to bloody wade through the bloody excrement of the multitudes?"
When she came back, she harumphed about being treated like a "blimp in the Macy's Parade". Thereafter, I referred to her as the "elf-blimp" ...
Imagine my chagrin when I met her in person and discovered she was quite overweight.
I was in a play-by-post game when we were hit by a rockslide. As the wizard of the party, I levitated the character most at risk. She player was away and being NPCed anyway, so we left her there, hooked up a block and tackle to her, and pulled our ponies across the rockpile.
When she came back, she harumphed about being treated like a "blimp in the Macy's Parade". Thereafter, I referred to her as the "elf-blimp" ...
Imagine my chagrin when I met her in person and discovered she was quite overweight.
All I can say is, "Ooops..." with a :embarrass on the side.
DM: The mage casts Wall of Force, but no one knows it
Bard: I inspire courage in the kobold rogue
Me: I throw a tree at the mage
Bard's Player:
IM RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE WALL!!! YOU'LL HIT ME!!!Me: But my character wont know that
DM: but you'll still hit her
Me: So?
we Defeated the mage in the end, but the last 10 minutes of the session degraded to the "Bards Suck" debate :D
Cleric to ghost: We're not doing anything wrong.
Suddenly a chest comes flying down from a nearby tree shattering on a tombstone, followed by the halfling landing headfirst on the tombstone and the chest remnants. Worst thing was it was the tombstone of the ghost the cleric was talking to.
Everyone finally wipeing the shocked look off their faced turned back and then carrying on with his diplomacy said
Cleric with his (strangely evil) chaotic good smile: We're not doing anything wrong.
In order to get the door open, the party was required to say something to the affect of "I worship and honor Asmodeus, master of evil, kicker of puppies, et cetera."
So, the Paladin in the group has a bright idea. He says, "The devil says, 'I worship and honor Asmodeus, master of evil, kicker of puppies....'" Door opens. Off we go.
I suppose learning farm animals as a child proved to be useful, after all. The Cow says, "Moooooo."
--Gheralt
During our planning session our wilder comments "Hey, look! We put the DM into the Fetal Position!"
This also sent the largest city in the region into total and utter chaos, as long built up tensions finaly release
On my following turn I asked the DM "Now that the rats are on fire, how are they behaving?"
Rest of group: ........
Rouge:I bit it to make sure it isn't an illusion.
ME: :D
Everyone:
Me: the dragon wakes up as you bit it's tail, for some reason, it looks ticked, d you spit its tail out yet?
DR: So let me get this straight. This noble is going to pay me three gold a day to be in his house?
Noble's Agent: Yes
DR: Alone?
NA: Not completely. You'll patrol in teams of two.
DR: I can pick my partner?
NA: Usually , yes.
DR: (OOC, you know I'm a rogue right)
DM: (Yup)
DR: Um... ok... sign me up!
Needless to say, the players are now working for the BBEG. Great moment for me, they'll have fun later.
Bartleby
Fred (male fighter): Oh boy, I'm gonna do stand-up comedy and make us some money too!
Alexandria (female bard): Ummmm, Fred...BAD idea!
Peridon (male bard): Ahh, Fred...maybe you'd better not. Just sit down, buddy. You're drunk.
Fred: No way! I'm gonna get my perform on! This is gonna be great, guys! Watch this!
Alexandria (rolls eyes) & Peridon: Oh crap, this is gonna get ugly!
[Fred runs up on stage, trips and falls, gets back up and stumbles his way through an AWFUL comedy routine complete with bad jokes, forgotten punch-lines, and slurred speech]
[Afterward] Fred: Thank you Proskur; You've been great! I'll be here all week! Don't forget to tip your waitress! Ba-da-bing!
[Crowd is furious. They boo, throw food. A band of angry dwarves start throwing dishes and bottles. Party has to escort Fred out of tavern for his own safety.]
Peridon: Way to go, Fred (sighs)!
Hahahahahahaha! I guess you had to be there...
My current DM is a wizardphile. Well, technically, so am I, but in this case I was playing a sorcerer. Now, our party is supposed to escort this wizard into a dungeon to open a magically sealed door that only that wizard's heirloom staff can open. Now we've been in there before, but the last time we went in there was an unfotunate cave-in, so we had to pick a new route through a trap-infested labyrinth.
Now, at one point the wizard got us through a problem by flying over a chasm and tying a rope at the other end. He insulted me over and over for being a sorcerer and not having picked Fly as one of my spells known (although I will later), and continues to rattle on about how sorcerers are weak. He also insulted the fact that I only had Web and Levitate as second level spells and that I had to use them over and over again for everything. I said nothing.
Just to show off, he later used a featherfall spell to get down from a ledge and still insulted me, this time for having to use a levitate spell for such a minor task. Still I said nothing.
Then, to a priceless look from the DM (
), we trigger a pit trap the rogue missed. The only ones caught were me and the wizard, and he had spent all his fly and feather falls for the day to **** me off.The "pit" was more like an endless hole in the earth, and the wizard is panicking like crazy, and drops his staff. Now, we need that staff, and so I do the best thing in the situation; I cast a Web spell directly below us, and we're caught in it-as is the staff. I quickly grab the staff, cast a levitate, disentangle myself from the web with a dagger, use the staff to steer myself towards the wizard, grab him, cut him out and levitate upwards to safety.
Just as we are safe and out of the pit, I hand him the staff, and proudly proclaim;
Me; "No matter how much you know about it, you can never satisfy unless you can do it a lot."
I didn't figure out why everyone was laughing for five minutes. :embarrass
regardless, the point was made. ;)
DM:right, this one charges you (points at barbarian), but he misses...
Barb:Ha, he couldnt hit even me?!?!
DM:His friend also charges you...
Me:But that first one is in the way!
DM:meh, Kobold rolls to hit, hits, kills(punctuated by rolls), right, the first Kobold is dead, right, roll against the Barbarian...
Party:
later that same fight...
DM: Right, Paladin
Me: I drop my greatsword, and start to take the kobold prisoner
DM: how?
Me: by hitting it with my plated gauntlets
DM: ok, roll (rolled to hit, and did)
...time passes...
DM: Paladin, you again.
Me: i roll again
DM: why, he's drunk, inebriated
Me: so hang on, iv been pummeling absolute **** out of an unconcious kobold for no apparant reason?
DM/Party: Yeah...
Me:
i put him up against the wall, in a straight line with the dwarf, who charges into him, and mashes him between the wallDM/Party:
Me:.......im not lawfull good anymore, am i?
DM:depends on what the dwarf does
Dwarf: I already did it, i have mashed kobold on my armour
DM: (to me)No, your not good anymore
fun times
The humanity of it all!
Ingenious!
I've gotta use that...
Me: I teleport outside the city walls to heal myself.
DM: The dragon is dead. It plumets toward the city.
Stormlord: I cast a tornado to pick up the dragon before it falls, and throw it outside the city walls.
DM: Roll a reflex...
ME:
Thief: The door is probably a trap. I walk over and pull the lever.
DM: You fall down a pit that opens under your feet.
Barbarian: (at the top of the hole) Even I know not to pull lever in dungeon!
DM: (to the thief) You land in a room full of kobolds.
Fighter: *sigh* Guess we'd better go after him.
Needless to say, we were very clueless at the time. We nearly got killed by the kobolds and the fighter ended up running for his life with the thief's body under his arm. He ran back to town only to find out that he didn't have enough money to revive the thief.
Dygar talking to the group: "He was looking at Selene funny."( meaning a Orc in a orc village)
Elizabeth: "He is attracted to her and thinks he is good breading stock."
Dygar: "Well I think she's hot but you don't see me going around being an Orc."
Tom: If you can help us against this monster, we'll accept you as an equal.
Seth: I'll try.
Cue ogre.
DM: The ogre roars as he charges... and misses. Your turn Seth
Seth: Natural 20! Critical confirmed. Rolling for damage...
Seth rolls, gets maximum on every dice.
Seth: 30 points of damage, plus 20 points of electrical damage, plus 30 points from strength, favoured enemy and other bonuses. That's 70 in total.
DM: The ogre looks at you funnily and then slowly falls in half.
Rest of party:
Tom: I think we should accept him as an equal.
Joseph: I think we should worship him as a god.
Rand: Bah! It was pure luck. I could bring him down to size.
Seth: I have another attack left.
Rand: All hail the almight Seth!
Scene 2: Mikhail (Wizard/Druid) and Edmund (Ranger) had been arguing ever since a disastrous rescue attempt that ended when Edmund mistakenly shot our target through the head, thinking it was the doppelganger that had captured her. The rest of the party were getting annoyed with Edmund's insistence that it was our fault for not stopping him. We were now walking through the desert.
DM: You're not sure this is the right way, gimme some survival checks.
Edmund: 31.
Mikhail: 13.
Edmund: Ha! I could find my way out of this desert with my eyes shut!
Mikhail: I cast Blindness on Rand.
Everyone:
DM: Edmund, gimme a Fortitude save.
Edmund: It's OK, my saves are fine, I just need a 2 or more. I roll... a 1. I'm going to kick your ass Mikhail.
Mikhail: I walk away, beckoning for everyone to follow.
Edmund: Can I follow them by the sound of their footsteps on the sand?
DM: Gimme a listen check.
Edmund: 19.
DM: That's fine, you start walking after them.
Mikhail: I cast Deafness.
Edmund: Save roll is... another one! I start screaming insults, draw my sword and wave it around. Damn you Mikhail.
Mikhail: I cast Baleful Polymorph.
Everyone: :OMG!
We left Edmund in the middle of the desert, as a blind, deaf poodle. Happy times...
Scene 1: My new Fighter/Ranger (Seth) had just joined a level 8 party, consisting of a Sorcerer (Tom), a Monk (Joseph) and a Rogue (Rand). They wanted him to prove himself, so they took him to fight an ogre that had been terrorising a small village.
Tom: If you can help us against this monster, we'll accept you as an equal.
Seth: I'll try.
Cue ogre.
DM: The ogre roars as he charges... and misses. Your turn Seth
Seth: Natural 20! Critical confirmed. Rolling for damage...
Seth rolls, gets maximum on every dice.
Seth: 30 points of damage, plus 20 points of electrical damage, plus 30 points from strength, favoured enemy and other bonuses. That's 70 in total.
DM: The ogre looks at you funnily and then slowly falls in half.
Rest of party:
Tom: I think we should accept him as an equal.
Joseph: I think we should worship him as a god.
Rand: Bah! It was pure luck. I could bring him down to size.
Seth: I have another attack left.
Rand: All hail the almight Seth!
Scene 2: Mikhail (Wizard/Druid) and Edmund (Ranger) had been arguing ever since a disastrous rescue attempt that ended when Edmund mistakenly shot our target through the head, thinking it was the doppelganger that had captured her. The rest of the party were getting annoyed with Edmund's insistence that it was our fault for not stopping him. We were now walking through the desert.
DM: You're not sure this is the right way, gimme some survival checks.
Edmund: 31.
Mikhail: 13.
Edmund: Ha! I could find my way out of this desert with my eyes shut!
Mikhail: I cast Blindness on Rand.
Everyone:
DM: Edmund, gimme a Fortitude save.
Edmund: It's OK, my saves are fine, I just need a 2 or more. I roll... a 1. I'm going to kick your ass Mikhail.
Mikhail: I walk away, beckoning for everyone to follow.
Edmund: Can I follow them by the sound of their footsteps on the sand?
DM: Gimme a listen check.
Edmund: 19.
DM: That's fine, you start walking after them.
Mikhail: I cast Deafness.
Edmund: Save roll is... another one! I start screaming insults, draw my sword and wave it around. Damn you Mikhail.
Mikhail: I cast Baleful Polymorph.
Everyone: :OMG!
We left Edmund in the middle of the desert, as a blind, deaf poodle. Happy times...
The halfling witch who acts like a child recently found a skull on a staff, with string to open/close the jaw. She now calls it Mr. Bones or Skull Cap, and talks to it, hits stuff with it, and just today, had this thing eating sausages at the inn. I definitely regretted handing that out for treasure, but I was tired and hadn't planned much out in advance
.A line from Meriweather, the halfling witch, after a full night's rest: (Rocking back and forth) "Seven hours is too much, too much..."
And another, at a high-scale restraunt dining with the future BBEG: "I'd like a bowl of sugar cubes."
And some from the half-elf knight: "Look at my hair; isn't it nice?" "Did you know, I was voted five times Valorim's most charming smile?" (Lifted this one right off Harry Potter, I believe).
Not to mention the knight reading Fifi Slays the Dragon out loud to Meriweather in the tower of a wise sage while they waited for an answer to a riddle.
Scene 1: My new Fighter/Ranger (Seth) had just joined a level 8 party, consisting of a Sorcerer (Tom), a Monk (Joseph) and a Rogue (Rand). They wanted him to prove himself, so they took him to fight an ogre that had been terrorising a small village.
Tom: If you can help us against this monster, we'll accept you as an equal.
Seth: I'll try.
Cue ogre.
DM: The ogre roars as he charges... and misses. Your turn Seth
Seth: Natural 20! Critical confirmed. Rolling for damage...
Seth rolls, gets maximum on every dice.
Seth: 30 points of damage, plus 20 points of electrical damage, plus 30 points from strength, favoured enemy and other bonuses. That's 70 in total.
DM: The ogre looks at you funnily and then slowly falls in half.
Rest of party:
Tom: I think we should accept him as an equal.
Joseph: I think we should worship him as a god.
Rand: Bah! It was pure luck. I could bring him down to size.
Seth: I have another attack left.
Rand: All hail the almight Seth!
Scene 2: Mikhail (Wizard/Druid) and Edmund (Ranger) had been arguing ever since a disastrous rescue attempt that ended when Edmund mistakenly shot our target through the head, thinking it was the doppelganger that had captured her. The rest of the party were getting annoyed with Edmund's insistence that it was our fault for not stopping him. We were now walking through the desert.
DM: You're not sure this is the right way, gimme some survival checks.
Edmund: 31.
Mikhail: 13.
Edmund: Ha! I could find my way out of this desert with my eyes shut!
Mikhail: I cast Blindness on Rand.
Everyone:
DM: Edmund, gimme a Fortitude save.
Edmund: It's OK, my saves are fine, I just need a 2 or more. I roll... a 1. I'm going to kick your ass Mikhail.
Mikhail: I walk away, beckoning for everyone to follow.
Edmund: Can I follow them by the sound of their footsteps on the sand?
DM: Gimme a listen check.
Edmund: 19.
DM: That's fine, you start walking after them.
Mikhail: I cast Deafness.
Edmund: Save roll is... another one! I start screaming insults, draw my sword and wave it around. Damn you Mikhail.
Mikhail: I cast Baleful Polymorph.
Everyone: :OMG!
We left Edmund in the middle of the desert, as a blind, deaf poodle. Happy times...
:heehee :heehee :heehee
Elven Wizard: I start to cast a detect magic spell.
DM: He slaps you. You're dead.
:D
DM: you are walking down the path that leads you to thornward however in your way you see a 12 headed beast eating a small group of people some run to saftey but most of them are food ...what are your action players?
p1 drow monk: i charge *rolls attacks*
DM: 2 attks of opp on you ok your grappled
p2 (me) human cleric: i charge into battle to help him while casting sanctuary
a few rounds go by and we are getting OWNED!!!! i have casted all my healing spells including my domain spells
DM:opps my bad.. *looks around*
me: what?
DM: you see a wand appear at your feet and a voice in your head says a gift for you my child..
me:i pick up the wand and look at it
DM: it'a a red wand with a yellow smiley face on top of it with a button near the top that says push....
me: i push the button!!!!!!
DM: decribes the hydras death by way of fire
P1: where did you find that wand!!!????
me: mmmmm wal-mart..??
DM & party
DM: i just figured out your party is under equiped for your level there is no way you could have killed this beast
From the same players that brought you some very winning lines before, I bring you 3 lines from our last Giovanni chronicle game.
Player 1 -- I don't care WHAT genitalia's attached to that thing! I ain't touching it!
Player 2 -- I wonder how many traits it would take to make a prehensile *****. *RAWR* makes grabbing motion with hand from lap Whoops sorry guys, how did that get out!
Player 3 owns a brothel fronted by a pet store and is talking to another character about stress relief -- Choose whichever woman you want, she'll do whatever you need. Also, when you're done, you can have a free fish.
"Burning Hands!!!"
Fifteen minutes later, when the DM stopped laughing, we finally finished the combat.
He was sitting the bar listening in on the party when the nymph bought him a drink. The waitress pointed to the table saying the commliments of such such and he started yelling at me for giving away the players location. she went over despite this, and started talking to him. He was being civial and even charming asking the nymph (Who was in a very complex disguise mundane and a hat of disguise to look like an elf which took her pyhsical appearence down), who was decent enough to wanna be with in a fantasy setting compared to the NPC women.
She pretended to listen to him yelled right in front of him to the party members at another table of the bar "Ok guys, get ready to run!" At which point the half dragon asked, "Huh? You know I'm right here and can hear you right?" All the other players didn't budge or say anything, and then the nymph cast flare. A level 0 spell right in the face of the half dragon "FLARE! Run guys!" She moves no where. The party moves no where. The non spellcasting red dragon fighter quick draws his greatsword. He wins inniative thanks to improve intiative. He hits her, despite her cold iorn DR slashes through her and decapitaes her in one hit. The others turns around and see her dead on the floor in a pool of her own blood.
The half dragon re leaves a few platnum on the table, "For the mess" and leaves. The party isn't surprised as this was a problematic player. He took nymph just so people would die form looking at him. He never progressed that far in the nymph progression I wrote out like those monsterous progressions in savage species.
Finally the party got up after the half dragon left and put the nymphs body in a bag.
The second funniest thing, was a faye ri from faerun. An native outsider with teh spell like ability of charm person.
Warlock, after witch after everything cam her way. Charm person claimed them all. It was depressing. "I charm her."
"Ok it's a will based progressive class I can only fail this if I get a low roll. 2. Hi my name is Thelma. I like you...."
"Hi Thelma, can you tell us how your floating castle works?"
Another will save just to give her a chance to snap out of it...
"Sure ok."
And of course...Not skeletor.
The fabled unique undead that appears in all my campagins once at the beginning to introduce new players to comabt.
Not skeletor is a medium sized undead which as a free action ever round introduces himself as "I am not skeletor~!" and then attacks. When he is defeated all that is left is a talking skull, which decalres such comments as "I am hood oriment" and has ranks in knowledge undead or something.
The same faye ri that charmed everyhthing her way decided to keep no skeletor exposing his skill as a non organ possesing undead to take advantage of "lifesense". whenever an invisible foe or something living unseen was about she's whip out not skeletor who would say, "I do not see three invisible beings to the west...no adjust five feet, steady aim, there right there."
Ah, I miss you, not skeletor.
in our next battle he decided he could switch again and help the other side win then keep all of our tresure for himself. To accomplish this he did the following:
me(dm/pc artificer): wand of hold person on the leader of the bad guys
flip-flop(rouge):i place my dagger at your throat and tell you to end the spell.
me:i can't it came from a wand i have no control after i release the spell
Roll sense motive, spot, and listen
decent, low, high
"I seem to be telling the truth and although you don't see anything, you hear a muffled snap and some pottery dust falling to the deck."
flip-flop: i cut your throat
me: DR 10/adamantine (stoneskin), i use my wand on you
flip-flop: fails save, but how did you get stoneskin?
me: I'm the DM and therefore GOD plus I recently "misplaced" my character sheet. To help you out I tried to give a reason for my ability to avoid your death strike, and used a spell tile (complete arcarne).
"You take a cut of my money, you threaten my life, and then you make me waste a TILE! Die for your insolense foolish mortal."
I smash the airship controls and leap off the side as it soars into the side of a mountain.
He apoligized profusly and promised his next character as a servent and bodygaurd if he could retain experiance.
He's going to be a pet monkey with a permanent shield other spell in place until i feel he can rejoin the group.
Great collection, I laughed my *ss off ^^
Mhkay...where to begin...
---
Barbarian: Hey, when my feet get cold, I need to take a dump more often!
---
(A female NPC told them about a cave which they were to find)
Barbarian: Somethin' happened while I was gone?
Monk: Barely. *points at Druid* He just tried to find that woman's entrance...
---
Rogue: I'll take our female bard here, we were gonna work...
(Hm... in English it doesn't sound that great... whatever *g*)
---
Rogue: Hey Bartender, do you maybe have some water for me? A seagull sh*t on my head.
(Don't even ask)
Bartender: Hm, I have water, but soap's rare.
Rogue: Don't you have anything to get rid of the smell?
Monk: BEER!
---
NPC of a blind race: Do you have the correct document?
Druid: No! Can you read?
NPC: Yes.
(Think of braille)
Druid: *tilt*
(To Partyogre) Gholag, get him!
---
Rogue: I don't have a bad conscience, I have full Hitpoints!
---
DM/Me: You hear the sounds of a huge battle going on, and you see from time to time a monster flying against the pole on the other side.
Druid: Well... let's go to bed, shall we?
---
Monk: Hm... with my... Uber-alchemy-skills...I think of a theory... um... well, there are infinite small parts! And those can be split... or divided... whatever...
DM: I guess he wants to invent a nuclear bomb in the year 597.
Rogue: I'm off.
-...later...-
Barbarian: I throw myself on the Rogue to keep him down!
DM: Alright... you want to grapple?
Rogue: I'M OFF!!
---
Monk: Whew! A wand of Levitation! Never had so much fun... a house! A dog! A wagon! Jesus, just imagine... use that thing, everything floats and you just stroll away...
(Doesn't make much sense, but just imagine that picture!)
---
NPC: Watch out, there's a trap up ahead. If you step on it, spears will come out of the walls.
Female Bard: Sorry, I don't have enough stuff to fill the holes.
(Party grins already)
Monk: ... well... I guess I could help you out with that...
---
Monk: Hm. Do I find any oil close-by?
DM: No, but a barrel of fresh, hot tar.
Barbarian: (out of Game) Whoa, you can build an Autobahn! (remember, we're German)
Monk: Yeah, great! I'll just invent the car and run them over!
---
So much for now. Wonder what happens next sunday :D
The party (A Gnome Illusionist, a Human Spiked Chain Trip Monkey, a Tiefling Cleric of Fharlaghn, and me, the Gnome Druid riding my Wolf animal companion) was stuck on some sort of planar travelling machine, on a Demi-Plane bordering to the Abyss. There was this Dwarf who was running the machine which was angry at us for breaking his machine (Our actions made it so it lost all its power, but I wont go into that any further).
I didnt particularly like this Dwarf, and made this known, at which the Dwarf replied I should toss myself into the unendingly deep cliffs next to the path which lead us to his control room (We tried throwing a coin down. After 5 minutes of not hearing anything we guessed we'd better not try and go down).
I though for buyt a second and then I said: "Hi-ho Silver, awaaaaaaaaay!"
Not the worlds best joke, but it made us laugh :D
Low priest: Good day to you, how may i be of service?
Party: We are here to speak with the high priest X (can't remember his name)
Low priest: I am sorry, he will not be available for another hour.
Party: It is alright, we shall wait.
Low priest: Very good then, make yourselves at home and feel free to ask if you need anything.
Party: Thank you.
Low priest: Would you all like some jerky while you wait?
Party: Uhm................. no, we're not of that persuasion.
(side note: jerky was the major trade import of this city)
The guy running Rover turned to my gf and said in game "Come on b**ch, lets go."
Silence
Guy running rover
And he started pleading for his life.
The rest of us were rolling around laughing until I finally felt pity for him calmed him down. He was apologizing for the rest of the battle.
Also during this battle, Rover got beheaded by two swords simultaneously rolling triple 20s, B**ch got killed by a triple 20 arrow, one of the enemy ships got smashed by a triple 20 cannonball, my fighter took around 600 damage (The cleric of Pelor used up all his healing spells) and the big enemy fighter who KOed a Solar in 1 round got killed by a critical sneak attack energy dagger to the groin. It was, overall, a painfully funny battle.
Fighter -- I pick up the ring.
DM -- OK. It's glowing green and it's warm to the touch.
Sorcerer -- I cast detect magic on it.
DM -- It's definately magical.
Sorcerer -- What school?
DM -- Well, I've never heard of this spell, so I'll just tell you what it is. It's a ring of warmth. All it does is glow and give off warmth.
Fighter and Sorcerer --
Last night in Bartleby's D&D game...
Fighter -- So... I need to roll initiative on this little girl right?
DM(me): The circlet identifies as a headband of perfect elephants.
Bard:
Fighter:
Mage: :D
Druid: ...you dont say?
--------------
Mage: Someone give me a curious wounds potion!
Fighter:
What the gave you a curious wound? Let me see it!Whole Game Group:
Shinryouga
DM(me, in a hurry to get back to plot stuff): You pass through town without much trouble, besides odd looks for your strange "pet". You show him the market, the taverns, the temples, the shops.
Fighter OOC: The houses of ill repute? :D
DM:
Yes.Fighter OOC: Cool, maybe we can hire Fuggers out to the freaky ones.
Whole Group except Fuggers chuckles.
Fuggers (in character): ....
Are they hurting each other?DM:
:surrender Whole Party:
It took almost half an hour to recover from that. The timing and voice were perfect.
Shinryouga
Zane: Over there is Oot.
Oot: Ah Zane looks like you brought a fighter.
Troll: Fight? I thought I'm here for training.
Zane: Yes you are... Umm Oot can you get him a teacher.
After some time Oot gets the Troll a teacher then Zane ask the troll.
Zane: Well you cant train here for free so you have to pay.
Troll: How much is it?
Zane ussually it is a min. of 75 but you can pay anything.
Troll: ok i pay 100.
Well after a awhile the troll got beaten up badly because he didnt even stand a chance to fight his teacher. Then Zane comes up carrying 2 heavy sacks of gold and gives one of them to the troll. Then our group just started laughing realizing that Zane bet agianst the troll and won big time.
When we opened the door we saw a coffin. Our fighter says, "Uhh, guy's... I think he's dead." He is of course a Vampire, as our cleric realizes after he escapes.
- Lvl 2 Cleric - "Yes, you just get a different kind of experience."
- DM (Me) -
DM (me) playing a shopkeeper: I've got a very special offer for you. This is a +1 heavy mace, and if you press this button a ray of light will emerge from the other side of the mace. Only 2500 GP!
So my brother writes on his character sheet:
+1 light heavy mace
Well, it wasn't long before they had bested a pair of hobgoblins up on the main deck, but the ranger had been clobbered pretty hard and so was being duly attended by the druid. Meanwhile, the fighter and the rogue--keenly aware of the children's inexorable peril--moved for the deck hatch to secure the safety of the wee tykes. The rogue readied an action to activate and toss down a smokestick into the depths as soon as the hatch was opened, so the fighter threw open the hatch. The smokestick went off, and down it went. The fighter followed, with a deft hop below. One step forward later, the fighter fell right through a hole in the partially constructed deck. Bounced like a pinball, she did, and discovered the ground quite suddenly. The rogue also hopped down, and soon the smoke cleared, but by then the hobgoblins waiting in ambush had already surrounded the poor lad. With the ranger down for the count, the druid otherwise occupied, the fighter hurrying back up the fifty-foot ladder in chainmail, it wasn't long before the rogue was separated from his noggin. When all was said and done, the hobgoblins had gotten the drop on the druid, left him and the ranger spiraling toward -10, before at last the fighter rejoined the fray. A few quick swipes later, and the two hobgoblins fell.
Final toll: one dead rogue, two maimed party members, and one badly hurt fighter. Thus, it went from CR 1 to CR 5 with the simple use of a smokestick.
Heh heh... Really, all my adventures are pre-planned, and I swear I am not a PKilling jerk. That having been said, on with the show...
Well, the fighter--who had been the only one in positive numbers at the end of the fight--downed the third potion.
ME: *rattle, rattle* "You suffer three points of damage, taking you down to 2 hit points."
FTR: "Are healing potions supposed to burn like this?"
DRU: "Not usually."
RNG: "Burn?"
ME: "Turns out it's acid." *rattle, rattle* "You take four more points of damage."
FTR: "Yay! I go down."
I go to the tatoo parlor.
Rest of the group goes to the tavern.
They sit down and order drinks.
The 12th level fighter goes up to the bar.
Minotaur bartender looks at him.
Fighter: "Whose the best fighter in here?"
Minotaur: "Me."
Fighter: "..."
Fighter: "Do you have a gladiatorial arena here?"
Minotaur: "Yes we do."
Fighter: "I wish to fight in it."
Minotaur: "When?"
Fighter: "Now."
Minotaur: "Ok. How about I start you off against one of my halfling fighters?"
Fighter: "Alright."
[Everybody goes to the arena. I show up. Everybody places bets on our fighter for the win, except for the Sorcerer who has inside information. Information that the halfling is atleast a 15th level monk with monk's belt.]
Fight starts. Halfling wins Initiative.
First few rounds are just the two of them dancing around one another.
First round of actual combat: Monk smacks down the fighter. Fighter tries to sunder bow-staff. Monk drops bow staff anyway, and Quivering Palms Fighter next round anyway. Fight goes on for a little while more before the Fighter loses all his hp and dies.
[The sorcerer goes to congratulate the halfling monk on his win.]
Sorcerer: A fight well fought.
Monk: I'm sorry for your friend.
Sorcerer: Ah. It's alright.
I busted up at that point.
Then, we decide to have him reincarnated because it's funnier that way. Mind you, I'm packing 5ooo gold and a 50ooo gold worth gem. And everybody has atleast a thousand, except for the assasin. So, we decide to reincarnate him, and he comes back as a half orc.
We wanted to just keep paying for reincarnations and keep killing him until he was a dragon. =D But, we decided against it. Especially because of the level loss every time.
In the end, the session blew. We didn't get anything done. But it was one of the funniest sessions yet.
-BG
I was able to really ratchet up the paranoia until at one point the players spent the whole day at the Don's house with the FBI sitting outside. They just spent the whole session trying to decide what to do. I was playing the NPC of the Don's netrunner girlfriend so I had her playing nintendo superduper with the don's two kids (and cheating) just so I had something to do that session (and as background color with the don's kids interrupting the planning to complain).
Eventually, the feds got an indictment when the PCs killed two agents who were following them. They were led by an Elliot Ness type clean cut fellow (think the Robert Stack TV version).
Well, finally the rival family offers to meet and discuss the situation and talk peace. They all thought "TRAP, danger danger," but it was an opportunity to get one monkey off their back so they could focus on dealing with the feds from whom they were now running.
Well, it was a trap. The rival family sent a few look a likes to trick the PC's long enough to allow the feds to come nab them. It was a climactic firefight with one of the don's npc bodyguards sacrificing himself to let the don try to escape.
The second in command put his weapon on full automatic to shoot his way out a side door. He comes charging out that door and runs smack into Agent Ness and his four bodyguards. He raises his weapon and pulls the trigger. *rolls dice* "Ha a crazy amount of damage, hes dead."
I think for a moment and realize that in shooting his way out he expended all his ammo. "You have no ammunition, two fully automatic shots use up all your ammunition."
He looks down, raises his hand as if pointing the weapon at me and says (to Agent Ness):
"If I had bullets, I would shoot you."
I hope that came across as funny as it was in the game. But it likely isn't as they, the players, were under a lot of paranoid stress which was relieved at this comment (and the fact that it was a trap and all of them had survived the shoot out).
Flash forward:
I had a quick trial and sent them to cryoprison. 20 years later they get broken out by the Don's ex-girlfriend. They go to a wal-mart and rob it for weapons and ammo. The second in command takes one bullet tapes it to a piece of paper and mails it too the now 60 year old Agent Ness. He writes a simple message on it.
"I have bullets now."
His statement, and last one, was.....
"You guys could get hurt travelling alone!"
Upon finding the body, one of them remarked:
"We could have him resurrected. No, let's cut off his head."
Maybe you had to hear the delivery, but it was quite funny at the time.
Pretty soon I encounter three kobolds, scaring the hell out of them in the process since a half naked fighter just barged in to their barracks. Not spotting any weapons handy to deal with these buggers I improvised...tackling a kobold and then holding him by the ankles while I swung him about and bashed him in to his friends. (Turns out Kobolds are a two handed 1d6 bludgeoning weapon)
So now after I've KOed the other two kobolds (the one I'm holding is way past dead) I find no other weapons in the room! So I sling the kobold over my shoulder so I can use him again if I run in to more trouble. Just down the next hallway I catch up with my friends; one asks "What took you so long?"
So I say "...had to beat my lizard"
I repeated a similar trick another time by snapping off a zombie's arm..."quit hitting yourself! quit hitting yourself!"
Fighter: (to Rogue) OK. Search for traps.
Rogue: No.
Cleric: Huh?
Rogue: Maybe when I am feeling better.
Until then, I'm not searching for traps. Let's rest a bit. Fighter: No no no! That's OK. You and Sparky (the sorcerer) go wait around the corner. We'll open it up. :D
Fighter: I think we'll wait here for a bit.
Agent: I need the wand you took from the sorcerer
Halfling rogue pulls it out of his bag and hands it over.
Agent: And the silvery amulet.
Halfing:
Pulls it off his neck and gives it to her. Agent: There's also a Mithreal chain shirt that belongs to the elven kingdom.
Halfling:
Pulls it out of his bag and gives it to her...Halfling: OK. First I want to identify the weird coin.
DM: Oh yeah. She would have asked for that back too.
Halfling: DAMMIT!
Agent: I need the wand you took from the sorcerer
Halfling rogue pulls it out of his bag and hands it over.
Agent: And the silvery amulet.
Halfing:
Agent: There's also a Mithreal chain shirt that belongs to the elven kingdom.
Halfling:
Halfling: OK. First I want to identify the weird coin.
DM: Oh yeah. She would have asked for that back too.
Halfling: DAMMIT!
In my defense, I was relieving the party of all the items that were either designed for, or distinct enough, for easy scrying. In a magical society, you gotta figure the enchanters will put 'tracer' items in with the regular stuff to make catching thieves easier.
Slightly off topic: funny lines from the Star Wars: Battlefront video game. The game is a squad based, tactical combat game. The AI gives character vocalizations to warn when they've noticed the enemy.
Wookie: RAWR!
Battledroid: (monotone) I think I hear something.
After crashing through an enemy formation in a stolen hovertank, blasting most of the formation to pieces...
Battldroid: (monotone) What was that?
Bartleby (who is definitly on a Star Wars kick atm..)
"You guys could get hurt travelling alone!"
Rolling up the next character was fun. :D
fairly recent games as well...
Paladin (insane, btw): Hang on, where did Gabriel (ranger) go?
Cleric:erm...[bluff]erm... he just went to buy some supplies so we can kill al the orcs![/bluff]
Paladin:*sense motive* you lied to me... wanders off, with a track DC of 5 to find his own footprints to get back to where he was... *roll of 2* Help! I'm lost!
Dwarf:so whats in this cupbourd?
DM:nothing, just an over-active dwarf...
Dwarf, excellent, so the dwarf comes out the cupboard...
Everyone else: aaahhh, homosexual dwarf... (everyone cringes at the mental picture...
Ranger:you know your detect evil ability
Paladin:*begins some sort of inane gesture...*
Ranger:yes, that one...
Paladin:OK!
(time passes)
Paladin:hi Johandri (BBEG), here you go... *casts lay on hands*
Johandri:Hey, thank you Santheocles... here, have a potion...
Ranger:the other ability fool!
Johandri:...what?
Paladin:oh right *casts detect evil* *passes out from overwhelming evil screaming and clutching his head*
Ranger and Johandri:
Ranger:*punches Johandri, a 3rd lvl guy punches a 9th lvl necro...* roll initiative guys, this one could be tricky...
Currently the PCs are playing firefighters while trying to catch the arsonist plaguing the town of Tinderbox (yeah, they were asking for it...)
DM: As you reach the top of the stairs and move towards the flames, the floor creaks and cracks. Suddenly, the floor underneath you gives way sending you crashing back down to the first floor.
Smash: *Stands around looking back up the hole for a few seconds* Hmmm... elevator broken.
Same adventure, the party comes to investigate a failed attempt to burn down the water tower that only blew a hole in it
Smash: I climb up the ladder and fill the water tower up to the level of the hole with the Decanter of Endless Water.
DM: What setting are you using?
Smash: *thinks about it* GEYSER!!
*Smash fails his strength check and falls off the ladder*
That was a fun adventure, it also featured Smash using the Decanter of Endless Water to take a shower in the middle of the street. Of course, a fire broke out and he was forced to run down the street naked to put out the fire.
The next adventure was good, too...
The party enters a room in an abandoned monastery with papers scattered, furniture turned over, and just in a general state of disarray
Smash: Ooh, good smash!
The party comes to a locked door in a room with two statues.
Female Fighter PC: Look through that ring of keys we found, one of those should open the door.
Smash: We don't need key, me smash! *breaks down the door*
DM: As you break down the door, the two warrior statues begin to move. They come off their pedastals and come after you.
Female Fighter PC: Now look what you've done!
Smash: Shhh, MEN are talking.
Other good moments:
The party has just rescued a Dryad's from a band of Ogres. The Wood Elf Ranger has been unsuccessfully trying to seduce her...
DM: The Dryad rolls her eyes at you. She thanks the party again and walks into her tree, disappearing from view.
Wood Elf: I walk into the tree after her.
DM: You walk to the tree and, whump, smash your face into the tree.
Wood Elf [OOC]: Well, somebody had to do it...
After a battle I (the DM) am discussing the Psions choice of tactics, using a 70 ft. cone of fire to fight one half-dragon in a small cave
DM: Don't you think that was a little excessive? There was only one enemy, you could've just Energy Missiled him.
Psion: I wanted to try one of my other powers, though.
DM: Next time you do something like that, you're going to find a charred, tied-up Princess corpse in the back of the cave. That'll teach you.
Psion: But nobody told us about them kidnapping anyone.
DM: Exactly, the king from another country hired a different group of adventurers to rescue her. And conveniently they'll show up right as you're standing over her charred body. Then you'll have some explaining to do!
My Paladin scored a near max damage crit with his Greatsword on a 2nd level Necromancer the round before, now we were fighting his zombie minions.
DM: Alright, the first zombie attacks the Paladin, the other zombie attacks the Fighter, and the Necromancer is still at -23 HP...
The battle cry of my Lasher while playing City of the Spider Queen
Lasher: When a (Dark Elf/Vampire/Bebelith) comes along, you must whip it!
(Should've taken a level or two of Bard...)
Well, a lot of good quotes came from my friend's Half-Orc Barbarian, Smash. He managed to roll two 18s and two 8s, going into Str, Con, Int, and Cha respectively. He played the part of the unrefined, stupid Half-Orc very well.
Is this the same Smash who I've seen in a sig: "Smash no help problem smash caused." ??
How is it you don't know your own name? can't you just ask your psycrystal?
HE'S A D******D LIAR!
it took like ten minutes for us to calm down and start playing again after that one.
Every game has some great lines in it, one of the current games I'm in has had some great ones....
*Discussing the upcoming mission*
Male rogue - We're not going to do it. It's stupid. Why should we trust these guys to do what they say. Additionally, why should we give them a dragon? It's just going to grow up and eat us!
Female Druid - I'll sleep with you.
Male Rogue - OK.
*In an ancient burial mound, trying to rescue a baby "red" dragon for kobolds*
Fighter - I am going to cut the rope bridge!
Druid - NO! We need to use the bridge to get across and get the dragon!
Fighter - There are goblins shooting at us from the other side! I'm cutting the rope!
Druid - Don't cut the rope! Don't cut the rope!
*RAWR*
Druid - CUT THE ROPE! CUT THE ROPE!
*After rescuing the dragon and now attempting to escape. 2 of the players have already been hurt by the writhing form of the baby WHITE dragon, painted red and are running off*
Druid - I turn so that the dragon is facing the goblins. They won't hurt the dragon and he provides me with cover.
DM - the dragon hits the goblin in front of you with his breath weapon and *rattle rattle* his claw *rattle rattle* and his bite. The goblin goes down.
Druid -
Sounds a lot like the Citadel of Darkness adventure (or some similar name). We didn't fare so well in that one. Stupid tree ate our cleric and ranger while we went to town for healing. ::shrugs:: Oh well.
Elf Bard: I kick one to see if they're really dead.
DM: The corpse grabs your ankle. Three others rise, moaning and groaning. Zombies, people!
Bard: ...
Party:
*rollroll, beat the life out of the four zombies*Bard: I'll kick another corpse. :D
We led the evil cultists into an ambush in the corridor just outside of their hall of worship, killed the lot and the party was busy looting the bodies. This session, the Human Fighter wasn't here and was being NPCed.
Bard: Bah, corpses. I wander into the hall of worship and look around for anything interesting.
*rollroll*
DM: You find a trapdoor under the pentagram. It opens easily. There's a little hidey-hole with a big chest in it.
Bard: Ooooooh..!
Party: Hey, where's the Bard? *All run into the hall of worship, except the now-NPC Fighter.*
Bard:
Party breaks open said chest.
DM: There's 400 plat in the chest, some gems and a number of interesting looking items.
Bard:
DM: Are you going to divide the loot?
(Rather smart) Half-Orc Barbarian: Sure. 400 by 5... 80 plat pieces each.
Human Cleric: *counts six party members* Hey, what about the Fighter?
...
Next session, Fighter is back.
Fighter (looking at inventory on his character sheet): ... One... empty... chest?
Same, now second level, party arrives at a metal door to an ancient tomb.
Fighter (with an obsession for kicking down doors): I'll kick the door down!
Cleric: Nonono, it's disrespectful. Use the doorknob.
Fighter: *grumble* I'll try the doorknob.
DM: The door seems to be rusted and jammed.
Cleric: Kick it down.
Fighter: I'll kick it down!
DM: Strength check.
*rollroll*
DM: The door refuses to open.
Fighter: Try again.
*rollroll*
DM: The door is still jammed.
Barbarian: I'll help, we'll kick it down together. We both have 18 STR or so yeah? So hey, we could do this!
*rollroll*
*rollroll*
*rollroll*
DM: Two hours of banging later the door is still jammed.
Fighter and Barbarian: *Pant heave hack*
Bard: I cast Knock on the door.
Party:
DM: That opens doors, doesn't it? :D
Bard: Yes, yes it does. :D
We're stuck in this warped demi-plane school of sorts, inside of a shrine-like building with a gaping hole in its center, as a party of five with our suicidal player having just had his PC Druid jump down through it. He wasn't missed much by one half of the party, really. So we spend a day and night waiting, and wake up by the next day. My Cleric, a medusa-like Tiefling following Fahrlangh, had the bright idea to get behind the building, and take a little bit of a private shower with a Create Water spell. The Bariaur just had to walk in on her. Covering bits wasn't done quicker in her life before.
OOC comment from me: "I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts~"
Bonus points for having her use a Command spell on the Bariaur for running his mouth, overcoming innate spell resistance by a hair, and having him whack himself over the head with his own fist for nigh-maximum subdual damage.
"Hey, shut up! Im trying to kill myself!"
Being the only female in the party, at least, IC, has its disadvantages.
We're stuck in this warped demi-plane school of sorts, inside of a shrine-like building with a gaping hole in its center, as a party of five with our suicidal player having just had his PC Druid jump down through it. He wasn't missed much by one half of the party, really. So we spend a day and night waiting, and wake up by the next day. My Cleric, a medusa-like Tiefling following Fahrlangh, had the bright idea to get behind the building, and take a little bit of a private shower with a Create Water spell. The Bariaur just had to walk in on her. Covering bits wasn't done quicker in her life before.
OOC comment from me: "I've got a lo-ve-ly bunch o' coconuts~"
Bonus points for having her use a Command spell on the Bariaur for running his mouth, overcoming innate spell resistance by a hair, and having him whack himself over the head with his own fist for nigh-maximum subdual damage.
Gotta love the absolutely tactless Bauriar (Which, BTW, wasnt me :P). Ofcourse the real fun came when he told everybody. And there were two prankster Gnomes. So you can just envision the laughter :D:D
Gotta love the absolutely tactless Bauriar (Which, BTW, wasnt me :P). Ofcourse the real fun came when he told everybody. And there were two prankster Gnomes. So you can just envision the laughter :D:D
Berf ain't in your signature yet. He died horribly :D [/hint]
I ran an adventure based on Mission Santa Barbara when I visited it on vacation. The players were amazed at the detail I was giving, and stated it felt like it was a real place (which it was). When they entered the main area disguised as monk/priest types, the high priest (BBEG) put on a show of power they happened to witness.
BBEG: "Get over here!" *spiked chain whips out and yanks a young priest over -- Mask torn off -- Flame strike originating from mouth*
Party:
Player 1: I'm running!
Player 2: I'm with him!
Player 3: ooc: I thought there was too many scorpians around.
The name of the place was Temple of the Scorpian God.
In a Vampire game I was a player in, the DM was... extremely biased toward his GF. Blatant, but it was the only game in town at the time. So, I just gave up trying to create useful characters and just started making fun ones.
Me (Malk vampire, true faith cranked as I as I could, all perks to emulate life, and complete and utter denial she is a vampire)
DM: Three sabbat jump off the room and pull out knives. They are about 10 feet in front of you.
Me: I use True Faith!
Players 2-6:
DM: Everyone except (me) Is knocked back 30 feet.
Player 2: Take her down! NOW!
Player 3-6: *full automatic*
Mmm... Seemed like a short lived adventure now that I think about it.
Cyberpunk. Oh boy. I use to have Steve Sabrin as a GM (He wrote some of the netrunner rules) at conventions, which was a blast. Always managed to get him to chuckle with my comments.
Me: Netrunner who has been around since 2013 to CyberGen, and has incredible luck during do or die situations (including one adventure where GM promised a good chance for a total party wipe).
Game #1:
DM: Come on. Use Firestarter. I know you have it loaded.
Game #2:
Background: Tech show, assassins smashed in, killed all scientists, took prototype. GM Rules... He always goes clockwise around table. I purposely pick the seat immediately to high right so I am last.
DM: What do you do? (Points to player one. .. repeated for each player, Very fast paced)
Player 1: I see if any of the scientists are alive.
Player 2: I pull out my gun and see if any assassins are still around.
Player 3: I call 911.
Player 4: ...
DM: Ok, you do nothing. What do you do?
Player 5: I also pull out my gun.
Player 6 (Me): I send my resume to the company. Apparently they have a few job openings.
DM: That is too Cyberpunk...
Players 1-5: But I want to do that too!
DM: Sorry, you already stated your action.
(Which is why I always pick that seat)
In another adventure (2.0), the party sneakes into the courtyard of a ruined castle. Just as they think they are going to get in cleanly, the orcish warlord steps out on to a balcony and says "Greetings, now you shall all die for invading my home!" at which point almost 100 assorted humanoids scurry out of every door and hole in the walls and surround the party.
The ranger says defiantly "Oh yea, you and what army?!" The fight took a while, but the party won.
We were on our way back from the mission going through the level of Sharn with the Goblin town. I'm playing a Kobold Ranger.
DM: Okay you all enter the Goblin town again, and their all staring at you guys because your smelling worse then goblins normally can because you spent the last few days in a sewer.
Me: I will just tell them "We're here for the goblin impressionation contest."
DM makes me roll a Diplomacy check, I rolled a natural 20.
DM: Okay the 200 goblins for a brief second stare at your group, then they yell and charge.
It was fun, our group ended up splitting up while we ran for our lives (I was the one with the map!) Lost some of my gold while trying to trick the goblins into wrong tunnels, got cornered by 5 of them, annoyed the DM since they had to roll natural 20s to hit me.
"I pull the lever!"
a second later, we hear:
"NOoooo!"
Elf Ranger: If yu do not stop that, I shall personally see to it that in a hole in the ground will live a Hobbit. It will be about six feet deep, and it will either be a nasty dirty wet hole or a dry bare sandy hole. It will not be a hobbit hole...and it will not mean Comfort.
///
DM: As you walk down the road, wind starts to blow heavily. A storm starts. As you look in the sky, you see "mr. BBEG" hoovering in the air, while controlling the storm.
Spirit Shaman: Go back to where you came from, you filthy creature!
(rest of the party backs him up by yelling more of this stuff)
Crazy Halfling Knivethrower (me) : I challenge you to a game of cards, loser ends up being imprisoned in that underground thing for eternity!
BBEG: Ok.
Party starts laughing OOC, and I end up playing cards with the BBEG :D:P
I won, but of course he didn't listen and almost killed me...
To bad for him because we swore on it...
Getting caught up in the adventure... we were escaping the sultan's guards when we dashed through a door and bolted it behind us, the entire party gasping for breath.
Me: I peek through the keyhole. Do I see them coming after us?
DM: No. YOu don't see anything.
Me (to rest of party): I don't see them coming. I think we've lost them.
Fighter: Of course you don't see them after us. YOU'RE BLIND YOU IDIOT!!!! (player actually physically cuffs me lightly on the back of the head.)
Everyone else: gales of laughter!
Me: Oops! * blush *
p1 to party HEY GUYS UP HERE THEY ARE
dm (sigh) ok now they have heard you and have sent a dire wolf after you and it looks like is going to eat you!
p1 (in his pumba voice) (lion king) HE'S GOING TO EAT ME AHHHHHH!!!!
need i say more
heres one of a bad dm line
dm : ok you see a skeltion in front of you
p1 cleric : ok i will attempt to turn it (rolls) ok what's its HD
dm: it has 15 hp
p1 no it's HD
dm it has a AC of 15
p1: NO it's HD
dm: it has a ecl of 2
p1
p2 me : ok well i know its hp ac and what it's using as a weapon want me to kill the undead for you?
dm: oh no it's not an undead..
party:
dm : what? it's not!? is it?
after this we all got up and went home
on another game a fighter and a wizard playing in a dragonlance campaign
dm
me) ok she has told you that you two can stay at her house but you will sleep in the room with the half orc(her body guard)p1 fighter :ok i go follow her to her room
p2 wizard:i would't do that if i were you
p1:no responce keeps walking
p3 half orc:trys to drag fighter back
p1 struggles free
p3 backs off
npc chick: ok if you want some that bad come outside and prove that you are worth my time
p1 OK smiles
npc chick ownes p1 with ease
p1 stands up
p2 wizard : charges up shocking grasp...looks at fighter "you horny basterd and slaps him
dm: damage
p2:xxxxxx
p1 :-5 hp
party:
Elwin (the main party cleric): I must tell you (to the party) that I do have three female acquaitances. A Drow and a Fire giant in addition to knowing a female cleric of Pelor (same deity as his).
Shadarra (my cleric): You what!?!?! ::horrified:: I hope you keep "Remove Disease" prepared!
After this, it got noticiably colder in the room the party was in....... ;)
Rather quickly, they got caught in a powerful magical trap, a prismatic sphere inverted in on them so that they could not exit it. Since they could hear the guards outside waiting for the spell to end so that they could punish the thieves, they became frantic to escape and began digging through magic items they would have never considered using. Finding a cubic gate that they knew had more bad connections than good, the wizard/rogue decided to give that a go.
Being the nice DM I am, I overlooked the fact that planar travel was stopped by the sphere and let it work, as I had no interest in having them fight the guards. Give them some rope, and they'll hang themselves.
He decided to drop them in the Postive Energy Plane, "to recover a few hp before we go back to the Material Plane". They went, and he promptly failed his save against the brightness and was blinded. With their hp going over full, he knew they had to move on, so he rolled 1d6 to try and bring them to the Material Plane. They ended up on the Plane of Shadows, and were quickly surrounded by undead shadows. After losing most of the extra hit points they'd gained, the wizard/rogue decided to try again.
Hades this time, just outside a city controlled by hags. He didn't hesitate, and running out of untried sides to the cube, tried again. He randomly picked the one to the Negative Energy Plane...I just shook my head. The cleric/rogue, desperately trying to ward them against the negative energy, complained that his friend's knowledge of the planes was lacking for a wizard. To which the wizard/rogue replied: "Its not that I don't know the symbols. Its just that I'm blind at the moment."
Said the cleric to the wizard: "You're blind? Then why are you the one pushing the symbols on the
cube!?"Needless to say, they both got heckled endlessly after the cleric grabbed the cube and brought them back to the Material Plane.
"Pinniatta!"
I scaled my own way down to discover a hidden crypt with the walls lined closed coffins. The ranger and I begin to get into a heated arguement IG (neither one of our characters can stand the other and the two of us constantly try to find ways to put one over on the other), when our dm quietly points out to us that two of the coffins in the back lefthand corner have slowly opened and to mummies have lurched out.
Both of us stop and yell at the dm in unison "Can't you see that we're busy!"
And preceed to continue our timeold pasttime of bickering (to the amusement of the whole party) when out of the blue for we had completely forgotten the cleric, in and out of game, we hear "I draw my greatsword and charge the evil undead."
Needless to say the ranger's and my jaws dropped, we looked blankly at each other, at the cleric's player, at each other, at the dm, at each other.
Well you had to be there I guess because we were laughing on and off about that for the whole session.
-
This one takes a bit of backstory so sit tight.
In our group, naming is very hard for us. Whenever we make a character it always takes forever for us to develop names. So, when we get one, we tend to celebrate it. We have a deity of psionics called Rolk Flameraven. He was developed before 3.0 so he had several chosen, one for each psionic discipline, and he had his psychic warrior/soulknife. I was saying that I would like to play one of his chosen and the player who owned him persisted that Rolk had ENOUGH chosen and that one more would be excessive. My response remains priceless to this day and it's my favorite:
But you always need one more! Wait! That's it! I'll name him Juan Moore! That's his calling-card! You always need JUAN MOORE!
The groans and moans persist to this day... especially when I created his cousin... Alays Neadod (always needed).
Wizard -- So the druid can wildshape into a bird and fly to the roof and then wildshape back
Druid -- That would be great, except I can only do that once per day.
Wizard -- Oh... Well, how did you get out of here last time?
Druid --I summoned a hippogriff and flew out.
Wizard -- Can you do that again?
Druid -- Yeah, I can hippogriff out.
DM -- You wake up blindfolded, gagged, and very naked.
Player -- :jawdrop:
DM -- And you feel sticky.
Player --
OK. I try to free myself from my bonds. :roll, roll: DM -- OK, you manage to free yourself.
Player -- Remove the blindfold, gag, all that stuff.
DM -- OK. You see that you're covered in a yellow paste.
Player -- Where's Fenris?
DM -- He's lying on the ground next to you.
Player -- Is he OK?
DM -- He's fine except for the huge knot on his head that you can notice because he's now bald.
Player -- :jawdrop: Is there a stream or water nearby?
DM -- Yes, about 50 feet away.
Player -- I go wash the paste off.
DM -- You are now a blonde.
Player --
DM -- Everywhere.
Player -- Even....
DM -- Yes.
Player --
We were in a (mostly) half-orc barbarian village, eating dinner with the locals, and my half-orc paladin (who rides a large dire weasel named Scruffles) was getting along nicely with the locals, one of whom presented him with a large hunk of meat to eat. Being rather more refined than the locals, my paladin asked for some cutlery, and the barbarian went off to the back of the hut and started rummaging around, apparently to no good result.
DM: He's gone awhile, and you hear the sound of lots of aggressive searching. Eventually...
Me: Let me guess - he couldn't find any complete forks, so he's bringing me a half-fork.
PC (Paladin): "... and to that end your majesty, we have drawn up a list of those to evil to live. First, The Evil Flesh Eating Lord of Cruhn!"
King (Me/NPC): "That nice old man?"
Paladin: "Nice? Nice? He's a cannibal!!"
King: "Really now, how many times do I have to tell you? The Evil Flesh-Eating Lord of Cruhn is not a cannibal"
etc etc
DM: A troop of ten ogres march past in strict formation heading toward the dragons lair. At their head leads a female figure...
PC1: A medusa... seen them before...
DM: ...a medusa, a heavily cloaked elf with dark skin and a third figure who you cant make out. They look like they mean business
PC2: Come on, let's kill them
PC3(Me): Why? Let them fight the dragon either way, we come out on top.
PC2: True, but think of all the XP we'd get...
Setup: I set an item - a pair of boots of Dimension Door. However, when you activated the boots, only you and your gear were moved, the boots stayed where they were...
PC: I'm going to activate my boots
ME: OK. Everyone else, there's a puff of smoke from Tacris boots. When it clears your halfling friend is gone and all that is left is a pair of smoking boots.
PC2 (Wizard, rp'ed rather pretentiously): I told him - you heard me - I warned him not to mess with magic. That is the purview of the wizard!"
PC3: Is he dead?
PC2: Undoubtably disintegrated by magical forces he couldn't contain
The party stand in silence, wandering what to do next. Meanwhile me and PC1 exchange notes:
PC1: Where am I?
Me: In a small dark room.
PC1: I call out "help"
ME (to everyone else) The tragedy has obviously shocked you all... your sure you can hear the disembodied voice of your friend calling out "help... help"
PC2 (Wizard) "I'm sorry tacris, but you are beyond our help now... I warned you.."
PC1: "Where am I..?"
PC2: "Heading toward the afterlife I expect..."
ME: Make listen checks ... there's something moving in the room above you
PC2: "This is your punishment for...
PC4 (catching on): "Er tacris?
PC1: Yes?
PC4 Is there a trapdoor nearby?
Pc1: Yes. Why?
PC4: You're in the loft above us. Could you open the door and let us in..."
Wizard: Can't drop fireball on them...
Paladin: Drop the damn fireball!
Barbarian Don't be a woman!
Drow rogue: Do it! Do it now!
The Wizard droped the Fireball and rolled about max damage, but thankfully didn't kill any PCs. We had a long in character talk when it was all over explaining that WE (the rest of the party) where here to slay evil and if that ment little things like dying in his spell well he needs to get over it and take them/us out. Oddly enough none of PCs ever died other then the Paldain and that was a preagreed plot point with the runner.
Drow rogue: Do it! Do it now!
Kill me! I'm here![/Arnold Impression]
Show
That's The Predator, for those who don't know
Nic: We'd better get out of here!
Rob: Or we're going to end up on the receiving end of that mummy.
Me: Nothing says loving like undead sodomy.
DM (me): "Okay so you enter the icy room and see two treasure boxes under a pair of ancient skeletal bones. You also notice a sealed stone door on the other side of the room."
Misty (Halfling Rogue): "I search for traps. Check the lock." *Rolls dice*
Nagumo (Rakasta Rogue): "I'll check the other box.
Vincent: (Lupine Ranger): "I'll watche the door in case it opens."
DM: "Okay, Misty the box crumbled in your hands. You find some elven minted gold pieces, dated within the last 10 years."
Misty: "Yay!"
DM: "Nagumo, you find about the same, though you have a few silver pieces in your box."
Nagumo: "Great... wait... how old did you say it was?"
Misty: "within 10 years."
Nagumo: "And we're the only people who came here within the last 2000 years?"
Vincent: "Is there a problem?"
DM: "Yes, the doorway you came in seals shut with a stone door. The room begins filling up with the icy depts of the ocean water outside. Meanwhile outside, Mira, Oliva, and Tatum, you all see the door shut tight and the rush of water on the other side. What do you do?" *Begins drinking some water*
Mira: "Quick! We gotta open it!" *rushes to the door*.
Mira & Olivia: "Let us in! Let us in! Let us in!"
Misty & Nagumo: "Let us out! Let us out! Let us out!"
DM: **chokes on his water and sprays his notes** :D
Party's wizard is a bit off his rocker, and has a magic staff that can teleport to his hand at his will. (he is the only one to use it, and even though that would be an unballancing ability, for, say, a fighter, it's fine, since he can only do 1d8+3 with it, assuming he hits.) The party is playing in the adventure in the back of the Sharn campaign book. (i'm not giving anything away, don't worry) They are on a bridge over a big chasm in a city made entirely of gigantic towers. They are near the top of these towers. The group has been stopped by the city guard, who have demanded that the players drop their weapons. All comply, except for the Wizard.
Guard: I said drop your weapons! Put that staff on the ground!
Wizard: Fine, Fine. (drops staff off the edge of the bridge)
Guard:
... Okay, now, what is going on here? (he looks away from the wizard, who promptly summons his staff back to his hand. The guard turns back and sees it.) Hey! Drop that at once!Wizard: Okay already. (drops staff off edge again)
Guard: (looking closely at the wizard) Now, as I was saying... (his eyes move around, looking the other players over again. During this time, the Wizard summons his staff back.)
Wizard: Yes, yes, you see, we were walking along... (he begins to explain what the group was doing)
Guard: (who now sees the staff, again)
... I told you to put that down! (At this point, he is getting very confused)Wizard: Fine. (drops staff off the bridge)
Guard: So, what were you doing here? (at this point, he is keeping his eyes on wizard the entire time)
Bard: Well, let me try to explain... (the guard turns, just for an instant, and looks at the bard. Back comes the staff)
Guard:
Poor guard. I'll bet he had a nice long drink after that.
dm: you enter a room with men and women hanged from the walls in chains all appered to be very starved and one is on a rack but she is dead having been pulled apart
p1 wizard: i cast knock on the chains to unlock the lock
dm : ok the chains unlock and they fall to the floor being very weak from lack of food and water
p2 (me) cleric: ok you people need to find a better place to hang out
the party gave me a very odd look then busted out laughing for about 15 mins.
Me (as the party's Druid) moves over to the familiar and heals him and gives him back to the Druid, and says:
"Uther, when one has an animal in one's posession, one cannot go about throwing the poor thing into walls."
Cleric:does a 14 hit?
Me:no, no it doesnt...
Cleric:...are you sure
Me:
Me:Ok, [insert name of npc wizard here] casts Vanish on that zombie...
Necromancer:what does that do?
Me:teleports things you touch
Necro:where'd it go?
Me:you'll see...
(6 rounds later, everyone where the zombies used to be took a reflex VS. shrapnel test)
Necro:you teleported it straight up, didnt you?
Me: yeah, i did...
Me:
i think i just planeshifted that zombie to the highest celestial planeRanger:wait, they dont like zombies there, do they?
Me:no, no they don't...
(about 3 rounds later, the zombies re-appears, painted pink, and with its arms inverted into its chest. i ruled that everyone must make a will save DC5 or lose their action through uncontrollable laughter)
thats it for this week, maybe put up some more monday...
party (cleric/bard/artificer, rogue/asassain/DragonDisciple, cleric of pelor, barb/fighter/orderOfTheBowInitiate) encounters new druid char...
druid helps take out a business full of slavers/traders
heading out, they realize the city guard has surrounded the 3 story building
on the roof, druid casts stone shape, creating bridge between this building and the next...heads downstairs, and tells the barb/archer he has an escape route ready...
barb- "so, how do we get out of here?!?"
druid- "well, there's this bridge i made on the roof..."
barb- "FOLLOW ME!!!" charges out to the roof, with noone in tow.
then, they cast obscuring mist and some ghost sounds...made the poor guards run in abject terror (fog + desert = WTF?!?)
the hamster
Orc Leader: Why have killed my brothers.
Wizard: Can I have your ear.
Orc Leader: Do not anger me human.
Wizard: You smell funny.
Orc Leader: Leave at once or die.
Wizard:Not gonna do it.(begins doing the moonwalk)
Orc Leader:Then perish.(Shoots a warning shot, DM rolls high hits the wizard)
Wizard: Im so gonna take your ear now. Did you not see I was doing the the moonwalk( fires magic missle at orc leader)
Orc Leader:Kill Them( barrage of arrows comes down)
Are entire party is slaughtered . After that insane charcters where banned.
DM: Two eagles land on an overhanging branch and look at each other.
PCs: "Oh crap..."
DM: One eagle falls and forms into a heavily armed dwarf.
PCs: "Ohhhh crap"
DM: The dwarf says "Death begets only death and now you pay!"
PCs:
Me(Bard): "Oh crizzap, I thought killing guys who attacked us was cool..."
DM: Oh woops... wrong ending...
Me: (holds up one coin) This is for a drink and telling me where I am, (holds up the other coin and jerks head in the bards direction) and this is for him to shut up!
Well, it was funny at the time.
Wizard: "We should really think of another name to call it so that we can talk about it without the wrong ears overhearing."
Monk "That's a great idea, but what will we call it?"
*pause as they all think*
Elven Ranger "How about 'Ted'?"
Monk "Ted?"
Ranger "Well no one will think it's a dragonlance."
Wizard "Ted it is, now grab Ted and lets get moving."
Thus it was that my players were so smart and so stupid at the same time... and how Huma's lance perhaps the most powerful weapon on Krynn became known as 'Ted'.
After that he spent most of his time blowing up random monkeys he found on spot checks. The dm gave the party a ring of speak with animals which he got. He spent the next few days running into the forest yelling for deers to come so he could kill them. This was at level 5 or so. On a very unlucky roll for my guy, the DM decides to drop a dire ape on him.
My character, being small and about eaten, ran off screaming "Oh my god its a giant monkey trying to eat me!". Needless to say he never shot monkeys again. :p
A friend of mine is playing a lawful evil thief who had gotten struck by a holy smite spell and is now currently trying not to be evil and get hurt again. Our group is setting up a temple of pelor in a desert town with no real gods. We have a small plot of land where the temple is being started and we need the rest of the area for our grandeous plan.
The thief's was overheard saying "To promote the holy goodness of pelor I shall go and murder our neighbors." or something to that effect :p
A friend of mine is playing a lawful evil thief who had gotten struck by a holy smite spell and is now currently trying not to be evil and get hurt again. Our group is setting up a temple of pelor in a desert town with no real gods. We have a small plot of land where the temple is being started and we need the rest of the area for our grandeous plan.
The thief's was overheard saying "To promote the holy goodness of pelor I shall go and murder our neighbors." or something to that effect :p
A lawful thief?!?! But that's a very nice quote. Got me gigglin'.
Let's see... I, as a DM, like to create a little flavor in every place my characters go through. No, no, my friends. No generic bar for me! No classic tavern to quench a medival man's thirst. I have a good tavern quotes.
The setup is the very beggining of a campaign (2ed homebrew) and the PC's have all the equipment and then some that they need (i.e. Platemail, weapons of +1ness etc etc.) and they find a bar along a dark forest path. Since it's night and rainy they go in. Upon seeing many strange faces (ogres, an orc and hobgoblin, and many humans) they decide to take a drink.
Dwarf (named Hagbeard the Intoxicated): "I'll have a pint of your finest and darkest and strongest ale!"
Barmaid: (rolls eyes) "Just like everyone else!" (brings ale)
DM: After you down the drink you feel a slight burning sensation make it's way down and the room starts to become fuzzy.
Hagbeard:
:D I want some more!!!DM: The rest of you guys soon see a near comatose dwarf on your table after a few rounds
Ogre in Party: Ooh! I'll take him to my room!
Party:
Ogre: I set Hagbeard on the top of the door ledge! (this is after being offered a lock for the door and he refused)
DM: Uh... okay... no one come through for a bit. You get sleepy.
Ogre: Me don't care!! Stay awake to catch a thief... I know you got one coming!
I guess it was better then.
Later...
They go outside and find the road go into a bit of a dip... filled with mud. So much that the ogre has to carry the party on it's shoulders and pack for it is waist deep for him.
DM: Y'all hear a large creak near-by.
Hagbeard: I'm getting off.. is there a log near by?
DM: Yeah, four of them. Right as he get's off you see a large log come and hit the ogre on the side of the head followed by a few shots from bows at the other members.
Hagbeard: ??? Look at me ogre buddy.. he okay?
Ogre: Me dizzy... and sleepy
DM: That's right. He's dizzy and sleepy. You notice the party members start to fall off and start to sleep in the mud.
Hagbeard: Swim swim swim!!
Ogre (still standing, barely): I look around for any one I can.
DM: You see an ogre dressed in red leather start to come walking on the mud and something slips into the mud and starts to come your way. A few other men fall on the two far logs similary dressed. Many bowmen surround you.
Ogre: Huh... bandits, not thieves... yay! *falls down poisened*
Bandit to Hagbeard: I got some ale for ya, Dwerf. Drink it or be shot with an arrow. Truly you cannot stand against us.
Hagbeard: How many are there? (tries to grab a log but his hand passes through it)
DM: A good 15
Hagbeard: Well... they don't call me intoxicated for me looks!
I have some waaaaay better than that... Just gotta think a bit.
Pancho: Father! Priest! You there!
Priest: Greetings, my son. May the gods smile on you today.
Pancho: My friend has been affected with a horrible curse. Remove it!
Priest: Hmm. This looks to be beyond my abilities.
Pancho: What do you mean? Just cast Remove Curse, or Heal. Or something.
Priest: Why, those spells are only granted to the mightiest of clerics. I am but a humble acolyte.
Pancho: You can't cast a simple 6th level spell? Are you kidding me?
Priest: 'Sixth level'...? I... I misunderstand, I think.
Pancho: Come on. Can you even make undead?
Priest: Make undead?! Why, I never--!
Pancho: Come on. Cure me. Cure my HP big shot. Show me your spells, pal. Come on.
*Priest casts Cure Minor Wounds.
Pancho: 1 HP. Cure Minor Wounds. I punch the priest.
DM: You punch the priest!?
Pancho: Yeah. I got a 15, plus... alright. Do I hit him?
DM: Uh. Yes.
Pancho: Ok. 5 damage.
DM: 5 damage. You slam your fist into the PRIEST OF HUMILITY AND PEACE'S face, cracking his nose and causing a huge black welt over his eye. He crumples onto a nearby pew with a choked groan.
Pancho: Oops. I throw 50 gp on him, to show no hard feelings.
DM: Alright. As you pelt the unconscious priest with your chunks of metal, you hear the stifled sobs of orphans and farmer's wives from the doorstep.
Pancho: Hrmn. I'm not Chaotic Good anymore, am I...?
DM: No. No you're not.
This isn't much of a first post, but the quoted text above made me laugh out loud! Heh heh.
L8r
Ranger: No! Last time you "showed me something," we got ported to another planet!!
One of the players kept repeatedly trying to seduce a pretty human woman. After repeated attempts, the dm gave in, but, and this wasn't dm nerfing, as the adventure had been pre planned, the 'pretty lass' was really a polymorphed tauric lion. A male tauric lion.
We felt like scouting the cave so the artificer sent a weasel from the bag of tricks into the cave. The druid cast speak with animals and talked with the weasel when he came back.
Druid- what did you find in there?
Weasel - nothing, there was stuff in there I eat but I didn't want to
druid - why didn't you want to?
weasel - just didn't
druid - I think its because you aren't a real weasel
weasel - I'm a real weasel
druid - no you aren't
weasel - yes I am
druid - no you arent you are going to poof soon
weasel - I am too a real weasel
druid - stupid weasel, if you don't agree with me I'll feed you to the damn cat!
weasel - I'm not a real weasel!
I still don't know how I got into an arguement with a weasel :p
DM: okay you left the guardhouse
Figther: I'll look around for anything unusual, cats stuck in trees, people robbing other people, ect. (rolls a 5)
DM: Okay you see a woman that appears to be getting robbed by a strange looking fellow.
Me (ooc): Go up and ask the guy if he needs some help robbing her.
Camping one night on our first adventure out of town I fail my listen and spot checks and go to sleep, the theif marginally makes a listen check so stays up for a bit longer to decide what the sound was... after a few he spots some humanoid shapes in the forest beyond.
He stoops to wake me up and says
"Hey, I think we need to keep watches tonight."
Looking at him like he is retarded I reply, "Sounds great, one thing though."
"Yeah?"
"I was asleep right?"
"Yes."
"And you were awake right?"
"Yes."
"Then I guess you have first watch."
Promptly rolls over and goes back to sleep.
Not the first time or the last my smart alekness reared its ugly (yet so funny) head.
Near a poisoned lake we had been attacked by mutated Lizardmen who seemed to hate humans because of their experiments with them.
So we knocked them out and tied them to a huge tree.
After recognizing that they wouldnt answer any question we asked them we wantet to set them free - but how to untie them and be sure they wouldn't attack us? So we started a little Discussion:
Warlock: They will attack us if they only see us
Me: So they hate humans... why are we all... hm... wait
Warlock: huh?
Me: *points at the Druid* she's an elf
warlock: Yeah...
Druid: And what shall I do? Show them my ears or what?
Me: Just... don't know... do something elvish
Warlock: *bangs his head against the next tree*
Now in our campaign "do something elvish" has become a phrase everybody utters whenever we don't know what to do next ;)
Background:
After a shield guardian crashes through the city (including the zoo of exotic monsters), the party joins the looting spree. Among others, the party includes a female moon-elf druid5/sorcerer1 aiming for dragon diciple, a male sun-elf wizard6, and a male halfling rog1/druid2/sorcerer3 aiming for mystic theurge (I know it doesn't quite work, I initially thouight it did, he made the charatcter to accomplish it, so I altered it a bit to make it work). The fun comes in how we're going to explain why the druid starts exhibiting draconic features. By prior agreement, I get to inflict some sort of magical trauma that triggers her hidden potential. This will last as long as it takes her to gain enough sorcerer levels to qualify for DD.
During the looting, the druid goes through a door and has a bookshelf full of expensive, experimental potions fall on her. In addition to being bathed by magic, she swallows quite a bit of it. From that point onwards, she begins to exhibit random odd physical features. Her skin glows blue or she grows rabbit ears over night, etc.
Later, the part brings in two new PCs who weren't present for the looting. Over the course of the next two weeks, the afflicted druid spends a few days with cow hide instead of skin, rabbit ears, nose, and whiskers, a fuzzy tongue (literally), rainbow colored hair (scintillating, vegas-style rainbow), and finally, a transformation to a komodo dragon brought on by stress (which the halfling mutt encourages by starting an argument over party treasure). Eventually, the druis is only able to hiss, takes on a reptilian demeanor, and is essentially the animal.
Two amusing statements came from this. The halfling mutt says: I'm going to take care of her really well tonight. Me: Um, ok, why? HM: Screw my riding dog, I've got a 7HD dragon! Also, the new halfling rogue says: Geeze! Is there an animal you don't turn into?
Eh? I thought they were funny.
Bartleby
We are on a boat at this time in the middle of the night one one of the crew members finds a basket with a young child and a note addressed to our druid. He also see's a swan flying away in the distance.
When the party is made aware of this situation one of our first questions is how we are going to feed the little lady (it's a girl).
My Sorceress: "I use Prestidigitation to activate his mammalian glands."
After the laughing dies down.
DM: "That is so twisted I'm am going to let it happen. (To the Druid) You start lactateing. (To me) How long does that last?"
All the Best,
Nani?
Human rogue-type: Is that a dead dog drifting past? :P
DM: ...
*rollroll*
DM: (grinning broadly) No.
Everyone is listing off various magical items they have.
Druid: I don't have anything ENCHANTED... All I have that's specials is my black dragonscale armor and my belt of the manticore.
The discussion continues as no one notices the look of consternation cross the DMs face and he begins flipping through books.
DM: (exasperated) Where did you pick up that belt???
Druid: :conf: Huh? I got it when we killed the manticore. Remember, I had a belt made out of the hide.
DM: Ohh... Yeah. I was wondering where you got the belt from and what it did. I didn't remember giving out anything with a description like that!
Cleric: "I just spotted a huge brown bear heading our way from the hills to the south."
Ranger(me): "Hang on guys, I'll handle it."
Psion: "Ohh, I can help to, I like animals."
Me: "No you can't help me, I know a lot more than you about animals, and I am trained to deal with them better than you."
Psion: "But I want to help, it shouldn't be hard."
At this point I told the group to watch him because he was notorious for following anyway, like a loyal puppy. So I approach the bear and he rears up on his hind legs and:
DM: Give me an animal empathy check.
Me: Rolls a 1.
"F**K You bear!" :D turns back to group: "that ought to settle him down"
Meanwhile Psion is congratulating me for a job well done.
On a second note, the dm laughed so hard he let me reroll my check and I succeeded.
Me: Death hits you for 10 damage.
JR: Ok, I'm fine.
Me: How close are you to death?
JR: Melee range
And this was said without missing a beat, needless to say we all got a great laugh out of that one, and it has become a running gag throughout many sessions. Another fine line from my brother indeed.
Elven Druid -- Can I make a knowledge arcana roll to know where blue dragons like to hide?
DM -- Sure roll it.
Druid --
I rolled a 1. DM -- Oh yes. :D You know for certain. You are absolutely positive that blue dragons live in the ocean.
Wizard -- We should leave a note for the dragon. "Dear dragon, Came in and took your bed. Have a nice day. Signed -- The party"
Female Halfling Rogue -- "PS -- Enjoy the pig"
And the young blue dragon does indeed enjoy the pig. And peers in at the party. The two rogues are hiding to attack as soon as the dragon steps all the way inside. The wizard, the cleric, and the druid/sorcerer soon to be Brass Dragon Disciple wearing black dragonhide armor are standing in plain view.
DM -- The DM glances at you (cleric), passes over you (wizard) and focuses right on you. (druid)
Rogue -- Nice going there, scaley.
After driving off the dragon, the party delves deeper into the crypt and immediatly stumbles upon a pair of shambling mounds. After discovering that electrical effects are a bad idea (the hard way...), the sun elf wizard polymorphs into a minotaur. He attacks the mounds, but misses. The two mounds hit the wizard/minotaur with full attacks, and one scores a grapple. The damage knocks the wizard below 0 hp. Next turn, the grappling mound completes it's manuever and rends.
Wizard: How much damage?
Me: 2d6+7, so it's...
Wizard: Don't bother, the '+7' kills me.
Me: Ok, the mound of dank vegitation twists the torso of the minotaur one way and his hips the other, twisting the body of the elf in two and tossing the bloody pieces aside.
Halfing Rogue/Sorcerer/Druid: Woohoo! Reinforcements!
Rest of the table:
What?Halfling R/S/D: We've got a pair of half-elves!
Later, after having a crazy druid cast a spell she calls "Greater Reincarnation" on the wizard's remains. (custom spell, lots more options, no level loss, doesn't quite work as well as it sounds)
Me: Ok, you're now a half-elf.
Wizard: Cool, I feed a lot healthier!
Me: Right, and how old were you?
Wizard: 120... oh crap, I'm old! Hey, that means I could be smarter!(looks through aging tables)
Me: Nope, reincarnation doesn't effect mental traits, just physical. So, how old do you look?
Wizard: Dammit, I'm venerial.
Entire table:
5 miutes later...
Me: Um... I think you mean VENERABLE...
So, the wizard decides he'd rather not be an aged cripple and asks, somewhat jokingly, if the druid is willing to try again.
Druid: Sure, but I'll have to kill you first. It that ok?
Wizard: Um, ok. A quick coup de grace can't hurt that much.
Druid proceeds to pull out a light mace.
Wizard: Maybe one of my friends should do this...
Druid: Oh no, I couldn't let them have your blood on their hands. It's my duty to perform this service for you. (bash, bash, bash)
Wizard: If I hold still, will it hurt less?
Me: And the druid, obviously unrpoficient with the weapon, slowly pummels your companion to death.
The next attempt resulted in a gnome. The wizard wasn't really interesting in trying again. ;)
Bartleby
(In a large session with 7 players, the party talks to a druid in the forest before venturing further.)
Druid: "You must be careful. A hoarde of orcs has been patrolling the plains."
Rogue: "How many orcs?"
Druid: "Anywhere from 6 to 100 of them."
Other Rogue: "Aww, dangit, that's too many. We'll have to sneak around them."
Me: "What are you talking about? We can take them. There's 6 to 100 of them, and there's 6 to 100 of us."
Now, however, I'm playing a rogue with 18 INT, and the opportunity for humor is still just as great. We caught a pickpocket in town with a 150g bounty on his head, and upon turning him in, our other rogue, being naturally greedy, tried to sweeten the deal.
Soldier: "Well done. I can't believe you caught this guy. We promised 150 gold for the bounty, didn't we?"
Rogue: "Well, since we did such a good job, why don't you make it 160 so we can split it evenly between the four of us?"
Me: "Actually, we'd only need 152 gold to split it four ways."
Rogue:
We discover and capture a Shadowdancer drow spy listening in on our plans of entering the Underdark to retrieve the children. The spy, in his typical drow arrogance, laughs at the wizard's and bard's threats of torture if he doesn't answer our questions. He precedes to say that anything that we could do as "good, moral" people is nothing to what his people would do to him if he talked. The drow then offers up some unexpected help, saying that his mercenary company doesn't like the particular drow house that we are up against, and he knows of a way to get us in if we help him plant some evidence that will get the other drow houses to destroy this particular house. He then proceeds to tell us that without him, we don't stand a chance in the Underdark.
We don't trust him, really hate his condescending attitude, but we are left with little choice. So we agree. Surprisingly, the drow gets us in and everything goes off without a hitch.
We retrieve the toys with the children in them, and I look to the wizard and say:
Cleric (me): "So, instead of just trying to walk out, why don't we use some magic to get out?"
Bard: "Teleport?"
Wizard: "Nah, doesn't work well in the underdark."
Condescending Drow (DM): "Nope, it won't work, but if you have another way of getting out, would you mind if I went with you? It'd be easier than walking out of here and not getting caught."
Me: "I can cast a plane shift, how about that?"
Condescending Drow: "That should work."
Wizard: "Ok with me."
Condescending Drow: "So, will you take me? I did help you afterall. Without me, you would have never gotten this far."
Me: "Yeah... I guess..."
DM: "So, where are you going to plane shift to?"
Me: "The Seven Heavens."
Everyone starts to laugh as they realized that this drow, who had been rather "It's my way or no way" with us up until then, was about to get some payback against him.
Now, not so Condescending Drow looking around at his new surroundings: :OMG! "This is screwed up."
Me: "Wait until I tell you that I only prepared one Plane Shift, and we'll have to wait until I can prepare another."
To the Wizard, "Do you have a plane shift memorized?"Wizard (who did have it, but wanted some revenge against the drow): "Nope, I don't have that spell."
Now, completely-in-despair Drow: "WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK ANOTHER PLANE?!"
Me: "What, like the Abyss?"
Drow: "Well... Yeah...."
Me: "I don't think so. At least here, I know I won't get killed by some demon. Besides... I was just messing with you, I do have another Plane Shift prepared."
Drow: "Now that was just *****d up..."
Me: "Hey! Watch your language! Be mindful of where you're at! Remember, without me, you'll never get out of here."
Drow: "sorry..."
Sometimes it's just great fun to get those "all-knowing" DM-NPCs back on occasion. :D
On the other side was an Earth Elemental, so I said the first thing that came to my mind and then shut the door:
"They Went That Way".
Crazily enough, the Earth Elemental Believed me. Course it helped that our Cleric was actually running away from both Elementals, but that's another matter. :D
DM: As you walk into the store room, you see something furry.
Me (A Succubus using monster progression): I Shoot it!!!! (Pauses)... Wait, it's probably some kind of helpful NPC (Another Pause)... I shoot it!!
Turns out it was a dire weasel. I took it down to -1 with my crossbow (large lt. crossbow, 3d6 damage baby :evillaugh ).
p1: (Black robed wizard) so we will be riding like this!!! (gets in the floor and flopps like a fish on his back)
me and the party
after a bit of riding we reach a small town the horses disapper and the god guy is there
p1 (BRW) here sir ....mmmm...can you make my fox (his familiar) fly? he wants wings...
Jynx: sure can *picks up the fox and throws him
p1:NOOOOOOOO MY FOX THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!
JynxL: oh opps sorry but don't worry he'll be back in a min. but from that direction *points to the other side of where he was thrown*
P1: ???? is he flying around the world?
Jynx: yes unless he runs into a dragons mouth
p1: NOOOOOO MY FOX
Jynx: heHEHEHAHAHA joking here you go *hands him the fox now with wings
ME: I'm a pixie of course!
FDR: A pixie? You mean those men that don't sleep with me?
I Drank What?????????????
We had one of those moments. We were trying to discover what was inside some vials of liquid we found, and to our surprise, the shaman in our group chugged one of the vials right then and there. The DM looked at him with a surprised look and said:
"You just drank glue solvent, Take 1d6 CON damage."
We all had a laugh at that one.
Me: I swear at them in Auran (don't ask me why my character knew Auran)
DM: He says something to you that you don't understand, although you don't like the tone.
In a more recent game, my DM and close friend implemented a rule that if you describe your character's attack in a cool way, you get an attack bonus. If you don't describe it at all, you get a penalty. I was an aasimar paladin.
Me: I hold my sword up high, shout a Celestial battle cry "YEEAGH!" and thrust my sword forward.
DM: I'll give you a +2 if you never actually DO the battle cry again.
DM; "You are carrying the bag. You hear the rattle of the knight's armor outside the door. What do you do?"
PC; "I pick one at random and chug it!"
DM; *rolls* *
* "Ah, you chug the potion down just as the skeleton hacks his way through the old and rusty hinges... and you realise that this is the prettiest bag of bones you have ever seen!" PC;
Reintroducing potions of love at random into a campaign can do wonders sometimes. :D
"I can't find him in the net! Something's happened to the web"
with perfect In Character justification, with no reference to modern technology.
My wizard: Perhaps we should strip the paladin! (of his armor-implied but not caught by the rest of the group)
Paladin: :embarrass
Bender: *uses Heat Metal Wand on Iron Golem*
*next round*
Bender: (Has on ring of Elemental Control (Fire) and Gauntlets of Ogre Strength, and had used a Bull's Strength wand in an earlier round) *Initiates a Grapple and begins to try and Bend and reshape the Golem* "You're Pending....For a Bending!"
The party, a human fighter with a spiked Chain (Narrik, we will hear much from him over the next little while), a human cleric (Nameless, the player was too lazy to name him and still has not, claiming in-character amnesia), a half-elf cleric, an elf rogue (Torian, who has a penchant for disguise), and an elf wizard/psychic warrior (Teara, later retired), just faced off with an evil cleric. The guy runs away invisibly, because everyone surrounding him misses their AoO when he drinks the potion, and runs to a portal room. The wizard is the first to chase after, and hits him with burning hands for just enough to drop him. However, he falls through a freshly activated portal. The rest of the conscious PCs show up, and look at the portal. We make a Knowledge (arcana) check and realize it will close soon, and that we will most certainly be unable to get back. Narrik: "I jump through the portal." Nameless: "Damn it, he has the gold! I go after him." Teara: " . . . I wave goodbye and go get Torian."
end result, the party gets split for over two months real time, although the player count went up to 7.
While seperated and dungeon crawling, Narrik, Nameless, and their new companion, Den the human monk, come to a junture with three options. Narrik: "Three doors? Great, there's three of us!"
Much, much later, while we are in a ruined port city in the desert with an elven naval crew and their ruined ship, we decide we need lumber to fix it. However, there is none nearby, being a desert. Being now a 9th level caster, Nameless suggests: "We could plane shift somewhere and get lumber. Say, Elysium."
So we do. And fill a bag of holding II with lumber. Narrik fails his save agains the entrapping quality, and has psychic surgery done on him, making him worse.
That is not all of it, but more or less the best of it.
I feel kind of sorry for people who don't role-play a lot, mostly because they miss out on the opportunity to have these kind of situations occur.
Recently I was playing a noble negotiating with another noble for permission to establish a trade post and a minotaur who was traveling with us accused me of coming to enslave them (he then told me a dromite PC convinced him that this was true). Me and the DM were a little tired, and we thought the dromite came in to laugh about it, so I asked the minotaur "You mean that dromite?" My friend informed us that he never entered the room, so the first thing that came to my mind and out my lips were "made you look?". Everyone laughed a couple of minutes afterward.
lmao i remember that it was like 2 in the morning and we were all lack of sleep and it was just so funny.
but nothing beats the time we were playing in the middle of the day after school and we all started a campaign.after we all make our characters the dm gives a really good discription of the town and it sounded pretty cool then i ask for the time in game. the dm says its about 5 pm and its dusk and one of the players out of no where just says "it must be winter"... i dun kno why it was so funny but i was rolling like it was so random and out of no where. because usaully we recive the time and then we decide where we go. you kno if its the morning you go to the pub if its the after noon you go to the pub if its night time u go to the pub. but it was so random i was cracking up.(yea i relize it might not be that funny but it was to me and the party.
DM: (to Wizard) You hear lots of ruckus downstairs, lots of crashing and shouting.
Wizard: Ok I go downstairs.
DM: What you see before you is utter chaos. THere are chairs flying everywhere, people smashing into things, beer mugs flying in every direction in complete destruction.
Wizard: I go back upstairs.
So my character, Hioni (he's a salamander demon wizard, it was in a game based off of InuYasha, great anime), encounters a giant evil demonic thing. (Don't you love my description? I'll make a great DM!)
Demon: Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you.
Me: I haven't done anything to you yet.
Demon: ...Yet?
Me: ...Awww, crap...
Next is from when we encountered Hioni's father, a very big, aincent salamander guy. He sends Hioni into a cave to find and kill his brother. I fight him, but I let him live since I'm such a nice guy. Now, Hioni's father said for every hour he took, he'd kill a member of the party. Hioni gets out of the cave in 59 minutes (cliche, I know). Remember that I was supposed to kill my brother.
Father: Did you kill your brother?
Me: No.
Justin (DM): ...You lose a humanity point for making me rewind time due to your stupidity.
Me: What? Rewinding time's not THAT hard.
Next up is from the next game, where I play a stereotypical, dumb as bricks barbarian. He's a flesh render demon who eats flesh to become stronger. I named him Dave. Dave the barbarian, get it? HAHAHAHAA. Anyway, for some reason he was running around in the woods. Then he came out.
Joe (playing a cat demon rouge): Dave, why do you have squirrel on your teeth?
Me: Dave got hungry.
Ever since then, Dave's gimmick was that he ate squirrels. Speaking of Joe, he's an idiot. When Sean tried to Intimidate him, his response was:
"I make an Escape Artist check to get away!"
Honestly.
As they keep a good distance from the large construct, the druid keeps shooting it and backing away. Meanwhile, down the stream, the two halflings and the gnome climb out of the stream.
DM -- In the distance you can make out the figure of two small humanoids being followed by what looks like a large, bipedal porcupine.
A new druid was introduced to the group. Unfortunately, he's come into a very chaotic party, and more than one party member has ADHD.
DM -- As you walk back to the cave, you see someone waiting there for you. Describe yourself.
Human Druid -- (basic description)
Halfling female -- I jump on him.
Elven Druid -- (to DM) Is my hand still brassy?
DM -- Everyone needs to make a spot check.
Roll, roll, roll
DM -- Those who got above a 10. The elven druids arm, as far as you can see looks like liquid brass.
New Druid -- OK. I got a 9, I don't notice.
Elven druid -- I take off my clothes. I want to see how far up this goes.
DM -- OK. (to the new guy) So, you've been humped by the halfling female and the elven female starts removing her armor. Apparently this is a very friendly group.
Elven druid -- How far up does this go?
DM -- To see any more you'll have to remove your top.
Elven druid -- OK.
DM -- And now the elven female is standing there topless. You can't help but look at her boobs. Their nice boobs. But it's a little disturbing, since one of them appears to be made out of brass.
SC (to wizard): cast magic missile at them!
Wizard: naah, i only learned good spells.
---
same party in a later fight... agan kobolds:
Bard: i look at the kobolds after they were hit by the fireball.
DM: you seem them burning down slowly and moaning in pain...
Bard: i puke...
DM: save throw!!
now we have a Bard who covered his feet with vomit
Bafl is in the court of an evil goddes- being hirred to huntdown a werewoilf
-Evil Godess (hates humans): "Why are you so readily accepting this mission?"
Bafl (human): "Ive got nothin' better to do."
Evil Godess: "Is that so?..." *insert huge evil grin here*
Bafl: " Er- i mean. I do. I do! I have to pick up my friend! And i have these jobs. I have this one! Uh, I'm very busy and in fact i should be leaving right now! To do...stuff. Stuff! Stuff that doesnt involve tourture. No! I mean stuff that doesnt involve... AH!" *leaving the palace very quickly to the sounds of evil cackling*
*the party bard is being chased by the guards, who run into our party ranger also after her, but to save her
gurad: Did you see which way a young blck haired woman went went?
ranger: Yes! She went that way! Let me help catch this villan! (all in a very superhero-esqu voice)
DM: roll bluff, see if they buy that
*rolls 1*
ranger ooc: oh crap
*DM does some secret rolling*
guard: No need citizen- i can sense your fear. Stay here.
ranger: (in the same heroic voice) Not a problem!
the guards run off and the ranger just stands smiling at his good luck
*Same game- I (chaos mage/ "gun" wielding gadget master) need to make some more powder for bullets
DM: You need saltpeter if your going to make gun powder.
me: Where do i get saltpeter?
DM: You ask around the market and they tell you that the only saltpeter theyve got is gonna have to come from the manure.
me: :OMG! Wait a second- is this going to involve straining manure for chemicals? Becasue i really dont feel like doing a Craft poop check.
Luckily he decided that someone in the market sold plain saltpeter.
*Different game- its our first session im playing a human rogue in a kind of mafia. Im sitting in the library with the cleric of hextor when suddenly a raven flys out of nowhere and lands on my shoulder. The cleric jumps up, but i play it cool.
me: Hail master Raven.
raven: Hail.
*at this point i know its a familiar, probly belonging to the only wizard in the gang*
DM: It flys over to the clossed door leading into the rest of the manor and starts tapping on it.
cleric: I reach for the biggest book I can get my hands on to crush the bird.
me: I walk over and open the door for it.
DM: It flys out into the common room.
me: I close the door and sit back down on the couh to read.
cleric: (furious and still not understanding that its a familiar) Why would you let a potentially demonic and very dangerous creature out to run free in the mansion!?
me: Don't think of it as letting it run free into the mansion. Think of it as letting it run free out of the library.
cleric:
DM and rest of players:
*after 5 muinets of laughing we get back to the game where the cleric has decided hes going to go kill this talking bird. He finds it in the hallway walking through what looks like a doggy door in the door of the guild's official wizard. He comes to the familiar realization, and walks back to the library slightly peeved*
me: Did you slay your demon?
cleric: grumble
grumbleI earned an extra 100xp for making the DM spit his drink down his shirt :D
last little snipits-
-"Nothin says loving like hot projectiles from the oven!"
-"What do i do to make sure she knows im not ..intrested? I mean- i dont want to say no, but i defenitly dont want to say yes."
-"I fire my longbow at the back of his head...natural 20!... thats um.. 58, plus a d6 fire damage. Is the (level 5) wizard dead?"
-"You know i could kill you, flay you, and eat you - all without staining my shirt cuffs. Right?"
-"Would it be cool if we just said he didnt chop me in half?"
-"Wait wait wait! You mean that I've been carrying this dead body around for the last day and a half, just so that you could ressurect her and make your ex-girlfriend jelous!?"
-"You just
slapped all 1000 smug smiles off my 15th level druid!"-"Run!? NO! I dont care if he's 12 feet tall, breathing fire, wielding two giant axes and ... what? He is? Well in that case, lead on my good man."
-"So i was thinking that maybe we could just ask for the treasure this time?" *the sorcorer's portion of the treasure went toward a resurection- after the would-be generous dragon decided to squish him like a bug instead*
---
Character 1 - "Get the butthole ready..."
Character 2 - "Oh.. It's ready"
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Character - "Can I make a knowledge: nature check to find out what lives in water?"
---
Character 400 miles deep into the desert of bleached white bones - "Wouldn't I have to be in the deep desert to run across something like that?"
---
Character - "What do monkey's fling?"
DM - "You"
---
Druid Character - "I turn into a duck and ride someone"
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Character - "What will happen tomorrow at six-thirty-noon."
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Character submerged entirely under 50 feet of water - "Is there an edge to the water, or is it all around?"
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Character - "It floats, but not when I throw it from my mouth"
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DM - "Roll Initiative.."
Character rolls - "Fail"
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Character in dungeon - "What's the weather like in here?"
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Character - "Today I learned a valuable lesson. Sharks can't breathe water"
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Character trying to explain polymorphing - "I can have any wang I want, even Ogre wang."
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Character 1 - "I'm not going to kill the monkey, it's worth 15,000 gold pieces."
Character 2 - "It's 15,000 gold pieces of infected monkey kill ya!"
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Shopkeeper - "That's not stolen is it?"
Character - "No, I looted it from a dungeon"
---
Character - "I can't see anything, I'm holding my breath"
---
Character - "I cast horse balls! That'd be awesome.
Victor: "Do we have to wear our underpants on the outside?"
Emma: "Only if you really want to."
Nathan: "Does he appear armed?"
DM: "Yes, he has arms."
Nathan: "No, is he ARMED."
Alex: "I say we screw the reporters."
Victor: "Is that a grappling hook in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?"
Victor: "You miss and tranquilized the drumset."
Alex: "I put my gun to his head and say, 'move.'"
DM: "He doesn't move."
Alex: "Okay, I shoot him."
DM: "Okay, he's dead."
Alex: "What?! From just one hit?"
DM: "Yeah, in the head."
DM: "It's a bug."
Alex: "I smash it."
DM: "No, not a squishy bug. An electronic bug!"
Alex: "Is it mine?"
DM: "No!"
Nathan: "Now it's, like, ubersuperglued to the wall!"
Asa: "Wait! You guys. We're not going to be able to get back into our room! We put the couch in front of the door!"
Victor: "We're on the 16th floor. Using the window as an emergency exit isn't the brightest thing..."
Alex: "It's four in the morning. Are they even doing that?"
Asa: "Eeew."
Alex: "I get a pervert point!"
Asa: "You can't give yourself pervert points."
Victor: "He just did! Now he gets two."
Asa: "They took the cheese!"
Victor: "I look out the window. Wait! I can't. We epoxied the window shut."
DM: "Not all of them?"
Alex: "Yes! We epoxied them all!"
NPC: "...Maria?"
Victor: "Yes. Um. I'm Maria."
Victor: "We've, ah, found that the cat burglar left a footprint on our fridge and... they took our garbage."
Alex: *hic*
Asa: "How do you know Escape Artist?"
Alex: "Because my friends would tie me up!"
Asa: "Oooh."
DM: "Pervert points for Asa!"
Nathan: "It's incriminating evidence! I put it in my pocket."
"We should turn off the computer. What if he came back?"
"He's not coming back! He's in our closet, epoxied to the floor!"
"Too bad there's no epoxy in 7th Sea!"
DM:Right, the feast is well under way etc. etc., everyone roll sexy checks
(everyone rolls, with the ranger earning the highest)
DM:The mayor's daughter walks up and asks you for a dance
Ranger:Hell yeah!
DM:I'll need a couple of dexterity checks (rolls a 20 for the daughter)
Ranger:a 2, does a 2 make it?
DM:No, you stumble over your feet as she glides past you, laughing.
(Ranger rolls no higher than a five, while the woman out-dances him)
*time passes*
DM:You wake up next morning, convinently without headache, although you noticed that the woman sleeping beside was not a virgin.
Ranger:Thats ok, i can live with that...
DM:Fortitude
Ranger:ooohh.... monkey bosom (nat.1)
DM:
You suffer severe itching from your nether regionsRanger:...
*later during a fight*
Ranger:SCREW THIS ITCHING! I HIT THE GOBLIN WITH AS MUCH FORCE AS POSSIBLE! (procedes to roll several 20's followed by a confirmation)
DM:Yeah, the goblin explodes in a shower of gore (poses)
Me:And wiggly fingers, apparantly (in reference to the pose)
And that is the new phrase, we have Paladined (rolling a nat. 1 on any dice),
Cleric'ed, the act of rolling several Paladins, and any succesful critical which drops the creature, "Explodes in a shower of gore...and wiggly fingers
The background: A party of 10 adventurers are at "base camp". The other wizard and I are sleeping in a Lemound's Secure Shelter, while the rest are camped out outside (heh - us wiazrds are elitists :D ). I specifically tell the group that if something occurs during the night, unless my death is imminent - LET ME SLEEP! (All out of spells and need to rest so I can study for our next leg in the adventure) And then... the battle begins as the Drow party and their undead minions attack...
DM (after 2nd round of combat): You two wizards make a listen check.
Wizard #1: 4, guess I'm still asleep.
Me: Damnit, 19 - guess I'm awake.
DM (laughing): yep
Me: Ok, I take my pillow and hurl it at C. *rolls dice for ranged touch*
DM: hit - C. you are woken up.
C. : HEY!!!
Me: Battle going on, go tell 'em to quiet it down, I am trying to sleep. *to DM* I roll back over and using my arm as a pillow close my eyes and try to go back to sleep.
C. *mumbling gets up and goes to the door* "Hey, quiet down, we're trying to sleep!"
DM: You see the following *pointing to map with the miniatures*
C. Cast Fireball here *pointing to the middle of where he wants to cast it and measuring out the area of affect* (ended up toasting one and severly hurting another)
Me: "HEY! Close the door before going and making loud explosions!"
C. Kicks the door shut, hopefully slamming it very loudly.
5 rounds later, I am still awake and angerly go to the door. As I get there and open it up, the remaining Drow retreat. C. is holding his side, looks at me and says:
C. "See what YOU did? You woke me up and now I'm hurt!"
Me: "Well why did you get hit?"
C. "Because YOU woke me up!"
Me: *shrugging* "Well I didn't tell you to go outside" *to DM* I am going back to bed and going back to sleep.
C. "Somebody heal me please."
Other in party: "Can we sleep inside now?"
Both C. and I at the same time: "NO!" accompanied by C. slamming the door.
Me: "let's get some sleep"
C. *picks up Jaeger's pillow and throws it back at him* (rolls ranged touch and misses)
Me: "See, that is why you needed to stay inside - everyone knows you can't hit the broadside of a barn."
C. *grininning* "Yeah but I can make into a nice bonfire"
Yes, our wizards are the comic relief of the team.
Sam
1) Upon entering some catacombs
"Not a very lively place, would you say?"
2) Master Thrower throws a chair at an unruly tavern patron
"Have a seat!"
I was DMimg an adventure that consisted of only role-playing. The party was sent to a noble's party to sneak in and recover a book he had stolen. The party got into the party and some of the PCs located the noble's private library, which was a room right off of the main party room. The rogue and fighter went in to search the library and the sorcerer stood lookout at the door. They are all males and the rogue was not there that session.
DM:You see a gaurd heading straight for the room.
Sorcerer:Hey guys, somebody's coming. *walks away*
Fighter:Uh
DM:You see the door start to open.
Fighter:I grab the rogue and kiss him.
Everyone else:???
DM:The gaurd looks in and sees you two. He seems in shock. He recovers, closes the door, and walks away, looking like he has to throw up. I can't believe you just did that.
DM:You see a gaurd heading straight for the room.
Sorcerer:Hey guys, somebody's coming. *walks away*
Fighter:Uh
DM:You see the door start to open.
Fighter:I grab the rogue and kiss him.
Everyone else:???
DM:The gaurd looks in and sees you two. He seems in shock. He recovers, closes the door, and walks away, looking like he has to throw up. I can't believe you just did that.
At this point I had gotten "seperated" from the group.
DM: You enter the room and sitting in thrones at the other end of the room are a man and a woman wearing crowns. The woman immediatly turns into a dire wolf and the man goes to hybrid wolf form, they're both growling menacingly at you.
Me: I walk in and kneel before them and say "Your majesties."
DM: "What do you want" say the wolfman, he looks reall p'd off
Me: I was hired by a man, I was told you needed a royal taylor.[Bluff check PASS]
DM: "I never sent for a taylor" He starts at you.
Me: Then I have been lied to, please allow me to go back and find that man, I'll return after he is dead and I will allow you to do what you want, or if you wish I can bring more people for you. [Bluff PASS]
DM: *mutter mutter* "How do I know I can trust you?"
Me: *pulls out horn I found ten minutes ago* This was left ot me by my father, it has been passed down through my family, it was my great grandfather's. He was a mighty general and this is my most dear possesion. I offer it to you as collateral.. [Bluff again]
DM: *Getting angry I'm going to get away from his werewolves unharmed* "This is MY horn, I lost it last week." (Side note, DM made that up to screw me over.) There werewolf charges.
Me: I run and as I do I yell "Ashardalon aid me!" and then in draconic I bellow "I WILL COME" [Bluffy bluff bluff]
DM: The werewolf doesn't follow you.
Ok, I was playing a session my friend was DMing and I had a rouge.
And the make-up on your character's face is relevant to the story how?
Couldn't resist. :P
Arcane Archer: Okay, I'm going to cast protection from evil on us, so he {evil guy they are chasing} can't hurt us as easily
Duelist: But, what if he isn't evil?
Arcane Archer: He just did a 'Bwahahaha!'. Anyone who can do a 'Bwahahaha' is most definitely evil.
DM: They've got bread and pastries and rolls and stuff.
New Player: And stuff? Like what?
DM: You know baked stuff...
NP: You mean like ho-hos?
DM:
Sure, like ho-hos.NP: Are any of them masterworks ho-hos?
DM: Uhhh
Yeah...there is one Masterwork ho-ho.NP: Great, I'll buy it.
DM: And what are you doing?
NP: Well, I enchanted this Ho-ho.
DM: You what?
NP: I enchanted this ho-ho. Its now a +1 Ho-Ho of creamy goodness.
Amazon deposits the package at the front door and my wife brings them in when she gets home from work. I get home, cut open the box and open up one of the booster packs, and pull out this gold dragon.
Wife says "Oh, little action figure toys! And what a -*cute*- little dragon!"
*sigh* Miniatures... action figures... "cute" little dragons... Out of the mouths of our spouses some times.
Wife says "Oh, little action figure toys! And what a -*cute*- little dragon!"
*sigh* Miniatures... action figures... "cute" little dragons... Out of the mouths of our spouses some times.
I always wanted a dragon... Bartleby never let me have one.
His wife gets to have a dragon! Why can't I?
I always wanted a dragon... Bartleby never let me have one.
His wife gets to have a dragon! Why can't I?
Lovie, I'm letting you BECOME a dragon (well, halfway) and that egg will hatch eventually.
Bartleby
Lovie, I'm letting you BECOME a dragon (well, halfway) and that egg will hatch eventually.
Oh sure, cloud the issue with FACTS why don't you. Although, as you keep reminding me... It's a YELLOW egg and therefore chromatic.
My poor baby. A victim of the Nature vs. Nurture contest.
Just be happy it isn't a prismatic egg :D
Now that would be one freaky dragon. Every week/month/year and it's a different color.
Then one day:
DM -- OK, today the dragon is a Blue Dragon and he's looking at you hungrily.
Brass Dragon Disciple Mommy -- Dammit!
Background: So far in our campaign, our DM doesn't bring out much in terms of rewards. He explains that the world of Faerun is very poor, times are tough, and magic items are very rare. This means our PC's have a net wealth of about 1/10th what we should have according to the chart in the DMG. To compound matters, my rogue just escaped from a prison cell while the town was being laid to waste by vampires. With no armor, no gold -- heck, not even a backpack! -- I was forced to continue the journey with my partners (all who have maybe 10 gold each). As a 6th level character, my biggest worries for two gaming sessions were whether I'd have enough food and water, and I had to appeal to the other PC's like a common begger that they would cover for my share of the price if we stayed at an inn.
And yet somehow, this doesn't stop our DM from throwing DMPC's into the mix, all of which seem geared to kill. On the path between Waterdeep and Cormyr, we have been joined by:
- A high level rogue in +2 studded leather
- A cleric of Tempus with a +1 flaming bastard sword
- A dwarf with a thundering greataxe
- A mysterious new stranger decked out in full plate armor.
I could sense from the other players as well that this was starting to get out of hand. So when it was revealed by another NPC that my character was destined to be the one to thrust the dagger of the Netherese into the heart of the Dark One, me and the other characters started asking her if she knew of any leads where we could quest for money or magic items. When asked why, I finally let it all drop:
"Because any random stranger on the side of the road would be better equipped for this task than we are!"
Funnier than the line itself was watching my friends, trying desperately to contain their laughter to stay on the DM's good side. But I think it drove the point home; I'm expecting a few dungeon crawls coming our way.
Now that would be one freaky dragon. Every week/month/year and it's a different color.
Then one day:
DM -- OK, today the dragon is a Blue Dragon and he's looking at you hungrily.
Brass Dragon Disciple Mommy -- Dammit!
I think he was referring to the possibility of having a baby who's born with a higher CR then you.
I think he was referring to the possibility of having a baby who's born with a higher CR then you.
Yeah, that was my initial intention, but the changing one would be fun too :D
Anyway, I got a funny line now.
Background: The elf ranger in the group had managed to seriously tick off a noblewoman by burning her house to the ground and shooting an arrow into her cohort (long story).
The elf was captured by the sorcerer cohort in another city, and was brought to a boat for questioning and beheading. The ranger managed to partially escape by overrunning the guards while they went in to tie him up, and ran into the sorcerer cohort. Funny thing the dice didn't agree with him, and he couldn't overrun the Str 8 sorcerer. A short battle later the PC ranger was dead (at exactly -14, which was his dead-limit), and the following was played out OOC:
Ranger: What happened to my corpse?
DM (me): Well, with your corpse the noblewoman had a lot of funny moments. (realizing my mistake) NOO!
Group:
Rogue/Swashbuckler: I didn't know she was like THAT.
Spellthief: What? What did I miss?
Group: Still
DM: You come into a 40 by 50 room with a passageway just about directly across from you. Also, there's a treasure chest in the south side of the room.
Me: Mosey over to chest. Check for traps.
*rolled some mid-twenty number*
DM: No traps.
Me: Locked?
DM: No lock.
Me: Open 'er up.
*there's some gold inside, obviously taken*
Paladin: I'm going to dump some tracts of Heronious in the chest.
DM: Oooooook...
Me: And I'll attach the good lock we picked up the other day to it and lock the son-b*&$@
DM:
Everyone else:
Halfling "So good sir, I see that you are travelling with three ladies, some of them lovely. Is one of these your 'Special' lady?"
Cleric "I am a cleric of Pelor and do not answer such questions."
Halfling "Oh, does Palor make his priests take a vow of chastity?"
Cleric gets a confused look on his face and replies.... "Umm, actually I don't know."
Things went downhill from there :-)
Barbarian: "I should be able to live with 3 wounds"
Some time later:
DM: "You take 72 damage from the ogre barbarians critical hit."
Barbarian: "I'm at minus 66."
DM: "Have you ever squished a mosquito so that it exploded?"
Barbarian: "Yes..."
DM: "That's your character now."
Halfling reincarnated as a troglodyte -- I'm a woman now! How many points does it take for sleight of c**t?
Druid/Dragon Disciple -- With my iridescent scales, I am every geeks wet dream.
DM --
Druid/Dragon Disciple -- I'm a well oiled elf. :D
Wizard -- Is your egg ready to hatch?
Druid -- No.
Wizard -- Mmmm.... Omlette.
Druid -- I pull out my sword of shocky doom.
Halfling Troglodyte -- Your WHAT?
Druid -- My sword of shocky doom!
Halfling Troglodyte -- Oh. I thought yousaid something about Mt. Doom.
Druid -- Dude, 12 hours of Lord of the Rings is apparently enough.
Trapped in the middle of one of the largest, most heavily guarded fortresses on the planet, the group must escape with the Flail of Doom.
.
After some serious bluffing from our party wizard ,who is disguised as his father, the guards who had come to find out what was going on when our group was beating up (and taking a beating from) an aspect of Hextor.
Myself and the wizard returned to he party to find that they had disguised the party cleric in a cleric of Hextor's robes. My character, a tenth level silver dragon following the progressions from Dragon 320 and therefore only five years old, noticed a few problems with the disguise and proceeded to attempt to rectify them.
Cue the natural one.
As a result I ripped the robes in two.
Rogue: "He's growing up so fast."
Party's reaction to seeing Jack and the Simbul:
Gnome Wizard: I guess this means your not gonna kill us.
Jack: Unfortantely.
"guy's! We have so much gold that we could buy 2,042,192,468 chickens!!"
Of course the conversation that follows is chicken fighting... One of the more prominent was reminescent of Zelda...
"Okay, you get me a bag of holding, you get me a baseball bat, and you get me as many chickens as you can find. Now, when the enemy gets close we take the bag of holding in one hand, baseball bat in the other... We beat the chickens inside the bag of holding with the baseball bat, throw the bag and then RUN FOR OUR LIVES!! Ready!! BREAK!!
DM: Roll a d20.
Me: *rolls* 13
DM: You stop for a second and then vomit.
Me: This is the greatest beer I have ever had.
The rest of my party, being elves and a half elf (I landed a great party. didn't I?) looked at me with pity. In the room accross from the one we were in, there was a barrel. The half elf decides that it is a good idea to break open the barrel. I was in the other room searching for more ale, so I couldn't stop him. He breaks it and the gobbo ale spills all over the floor.
Me: Where's my hammer?
DM: Make a sobriety check (we house ruled it in on account of my character being drunk in a little over half the battles we're in)
Me: *rolls* 20, you're lucky that stuff found it's way back out so quickly.
"Okay, you get me a bag of holding, you get me a baseball bat, and you get me as many chickens as you can find. Now, when the enemy gets close we take the bag of holding in one hand, baseball bat in the other... We beat the chickens inside the bag of holding with the baseball bat, throw the bag and then RUN FOR OUR LIVES!! Ready!! BREAK!!
This one's sig-worthy!
Now, completely-in-despair Drow: "WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?! WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK ANOTHER PLANE?!"
Me: "What, like the Abyss?"
Drow: "Well... Yeah...."
Me: "I don't think so. At least here, I know I won't get killed by some demon. Besides... I was just messing with you, I do have another Plane Shift prepared."
Drow: "Now that was just *****d up..."
Me: "Hey! Watch your language! Be mindful of where you're at! Remember, without me, you'll never get out of here."
Drow: "sorry..."
Sometimes it's just great fun to get those "all-knowing" DM-NPCs back on occasion. :D
I gotta say, if I was your DM, you would be getting some serious bonus XPs. All of my arrogant NPC get a knife in the back.
a little background for this one: a wizard and a fighter are on a ship with their two npc employers and a bunch of npc sailors. they have drastically overestimated how dangerous a chartered merchant vessel is and have spent a few hours very paranoidly sneaking around a perfectly safe boat. the next morning:
employer: here is a map of the island so you can tell which of the ruins are of important buildings and which are not
wizard: i think we can tell a big important dangerous place from a boring mundane harmless place!
employer: right, because you've shown so far that you're really good at that...
we have tons more but i cant think of them right now
My DM may not forgive me for this one....
Background: So far in our campaign, our DM doesn't bring out much in terms of rewards. He explains that the world of Faerun is very poor, times are tough, and magic items are very rare. This means our PC's have a net wealth of about 1/10th what we should have according to the chart in the DMG. To compound matters, my rogue just escaped from a prison cell while the town was being laid to waste by vampires. With no armor, no gold -- heck, not even a backpack! -- I was forced to continue the journey with my partners (all who have maybe 10 gold each). As a 6th level character, my biggest worries for two gaming sessions were whether I'd have enough food and water, and I had to appeal to the other PC's like a common begger that they would cover for my share of the price if we stayed at an inn.
And yet somehow, this doesn't stop our DM from throwing DMPC's into the mix, all of which seem geared to kill. On the path between Waterdeep and Cormyr, we have been joined by:
- A high level rogue in +2 studded leather
- A cleric of Tempus with a +1 flaming bastard sword
- A dwarf with a thundering greataxe
- A mysterious new stranger decked out in full plate armor.
I could sense from the other players as well that this was starting to get out of hand. So when it was revealed by another NPC that my character was destined to be the one to thrust the dagger of the Netherese into the heart of the Dark One, me and the other characters started asking her if she knew of any leads where we could quest for money or magic items. When asked why, I finally let it all drop:
"Because any random stranger on the side of the road would be better equipped for this task than we are!"
Funnier than the line itself was watching my friends, trying desperately to contain their laughter to stay on the DM's good side. But I think it drove the point home; I'm expecting a few dungeon crawls coming our way.
Very good. Good way to hammer home your point, too...
But Faerun? Poor? Faerun is often derided as the Munchkin's Paradise. It was the most magically heavy campaign setting before Ebberon took the title, but it's still so awash in magic that you can expect to find +1 daggers and short swords in every other farmer's cupboard.
Party wizard - Look, you realise that if the shanguin detonate that device of theirs, this whole city's going to sink, killing everyone, including you!
My drow rogue - How very unsubtle.
the party is travelling through a giant spider cavern. One pc has a brilliant idea...
Druid: Okay, these webs are getting in the way... I cast my torch into them!
...of course, the whole place lights up. As the flames encircle the group:
Druid: I immediately regret this decision.
So how do I try and persuade them?
"Listen to me you over-paid ponces"
It went downhill from there until at the end of campaign IC party, my mage launched the barbarian into the air by sitting him on a volcano I'd conjured and getting him to drink a gallon of alchemists fire.
Good times...
Dm: Orc swings his Great-Ax mightily at the monk.
*rolls*VERY mightily! A Crit! *starts rolling damage*Me (22hp and in my Best Master Tang voice): Ok, here were my options; A, dodge the axe, roll to the side, and take him out with a spinning back-kick. Or, B, take the Ax in the face, roll around on the ground, and die...
Dm: 26 damage.
Me: Hmm.... shoulda gone with A.
We all laughed our ***es off!
Ok, my party was fighting some orcs, and I, the monk, was gettin hit pretty hard, and then the following happened:
Dm: Orc swings his Great-Ax mightily at the monk.
Me (22hp and in my Best Master Tang voice): Ok, here were my options; A, dodge the axe, roll to the side, and take him out with a spinning back-kick. Or, B, take the Ax in the face, roll around on the ground, and die...
Dm: 26 damage.
Me: Hmm.... shoulda gone with A.
We all laughed our ***es off!
Ah, kung pow, great film
DM: Ok the golem attacks the dwarf...
*rolls*
DM: Ok he hits him. Ummm..I'm going to need more d8's.
Me OOC: how many do you need? I got 6.
DM: I'll take em.
*rolls a handful of d8's*
DM: Ok he's deeeeeaaaad. I'm not even going to bother rolling the rest of them.
*John the fighter*I search for shinies! :D *Everyone gorans*
*Amber*I don't get the whole "fighter and shinies" thing, it was on 8-bit yes, you're braindead we get it, shutup already it's old!!
*Koga*I help John search for shinies..
*Amber*What?!
*Koga*What?
*Adam*Why are you helping the stupid fighter do something so inane, I thought mages were smarter then that.. -_O
*Koga*There is brilliance in his idiocy don't you see?! Shinies=Magical properties. Thus the more "shinies" we find, the more wands, thunderstones, and other mystcal goodies I'll have in my inventory!
*John*I can keep the magic swords right?
*Koga*Ofcourse.. *Koga and John highfive and everyone else shakes thier head in shame*
Halfling Bard: i throw a snowball at one of the kids! *rolls 20... confirms critical* ooops
end of the story: kid gets hit so hard that it falls over and bashes his head on a stone so the bard has to heal the kid :p
DM: The malice filled spirit that inhabits your fighting friend turns and looks at you with a sinister grin. Ok Its your turn to react.
So, in a very high pitch vioce, the 2 inch high cleric yells out.
Cleric: Crap! time for an Exorcism. THE POWER OF PELOR COMPELS YOU! THE POWER PELOR COMPLES YOU!
He chanted that over and over until we all fell over laughing. I was so amused i gave him a bonus on his turn DC and everything turned out ok.
the party came back to the village they started from to a quest several days ago... and get "attacked by snowballs. They see some kids running away.
Halfling Bard: i throw a snowball at one of the kids! *rolls 20... confirms critical* ooops
end of the story: kid gets hit so hard that it falls over and bashes his head on a stone so the bard has to heal the kid :p
Oh, I am totally incorporating this into my campaign next time! It's wintertime in my scenario. I want to see what happens when the half-orc barbarian with 21 strength chucks a snowball at some kid...
Then one day the DM began to describe an encounter not long after Junior claimed he was hungry again.
DM: You see a shadowy appirition standing in your path weilding a giant silver two handed sword with green flames licking up and down the blade.
Party Member: Junior, if you can kill it, you can eat it!
Junior: ughhh, JUNIOR SMASH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!
wouldnt the snowball just do subdual? I thought subdual damage cant be critted?
Subdual can be critted. But it's not really as useful as critical lethal damage.
The best way to apply extra subdual damage is with a sneak attack using a sap.
-Give a rogue enough rope, and he'll tie you up, beat the crap out of you, and take all your stuff.
wouldnt the snowball just do subdual? I thought subdual damage cant be critted?
well, the attack was so high that i just said the kid is falling over and rolled a % to see what happends... my luck made me roll a 1, so the kid fell and hit a stone
wouldnt the snowball just do subdual? I thought subdual damage cant be critted?
There are house rules that a lot of people use, that a Crit on subdual does leathal damage, thats why a fistfight can be deadly in real life
wouldnt the snowball just do subdual? I thought subdual damage cant be critted?
Ever seen a boxer go down with one punch? That in my book would be a critical subdual. I allowed them in my game.
An example would be to watch the opening of "Malcom in the Middle".
EDIT: Fixed spelling and added the Malcom comment.
We were on the road argueing over teamwork when the Rouge said
"Reamember theres on I in TEAM.......but there is a ME.
[INDENT]Currently the party contains --
Troglodyte Rogue/Druid/Sorcerer on his way to being a Mystic Theurge
Human Cleric
Elven Druid/Sorcerer/Brass Dragon Disciple
Half-Orc Rogue
Kobold Wizard[/INDENT]
Druid -- How did you survive in there for weeks with no food?
NPC -- I had food that I carried with me. It's in the back of the room.
Druid -- Oh... (goes to inspect the room)
NPC -- So I just go this way, right? (wanders down the no magic hallway)
Rogue -- I keep my bow trained on him.
DM (to druid) -- At the back of the room you find a throne but no food.
Druid -- (to party) Hey, cool, a throne! (To DM) I sit on it.
DM shakes his head
NPC -- Thanks for releasing me. Bye! (He turns into mist)
Rogue -- Cr@p
Druid -- Look at me. I have a throne!
Wizard -- I just walk around chanting: "Diamond, diamond, diamond, diamond"
DM -- OK, She has a diamond (points to druid)
Wizard -- (to druid) You have a diamond?
Druid -- I do?
DM -- The pretty blue stone you picked up from the ogre is a diamond.
Wizard -- I'll appraise it (rolls a natural 20)
DM -- It's worth 5000 easily.
Wizard -- (to druid) I need that.
Druid -- Like hell. You guys said I could have it! It's my lucky stone! It keeps me alive!
Wizard -- It's worth a lot of money!
Druid -- It's Mine! My Lucky Stone!
Trog -- NOW who's hoarding the treasure. (puts on hat of disguise and looks like the druid) I'M A DORK! I'M A DORK! I'M A DORK!
Druid -- (ooc) Of course she's hoarding! She's part Dragon!
NPC Druid (to Druid) -- I'm going to fetch some help for this situation. This might be a little tough for you. (she wildshapes into a giant hawk and flies away)
Druid -- Oooh, I can't wait until I can fly like that.
Trog -- Sorry sweetie, you're on the wrong path for feathers. See... You have scales.
Druid -- I can have feathers too! (to DM) I wildshape into an eagle.
Trog -- (sarcastically) THAT'S IT! We're all going to die! The giant hawk form has been used! Now we'll never beat the vampire. (to DM) I go and sit in a corner.
Druid -- I go over in my eagle form and start screaming in his ear.
DM -- Make a listen check.
Everyone rolls and the rogue is the only one who makes it.
DM -- When he yells that you all are doomed, you hear people start weeping inside their houses.
Trog -- Yeah, they're weeping because WE'RE their only hope. I'd weep too.
Donk, approaching the guard: “Turn around, please.”
Guard: “Ex…excuse me?”
Donk: ”I said, please turn around.”
Guard: ”Uh… why?”
Donk, pulling out a two-handed sap as big as the guard’s arm: “’Cause you don’t wanna see this one coming. Trust me”
Donk again, upon meeting the mayor’s daughter, a homely lass by the name of Frida. This was at the town’s yearly ball. Did I mention Donk had a 6 charisma?
Donk: “Bloody Hell, no one told me this was a masquerade ball. Somebody get this chick a prize. Scariest damn… mask… I’ve… why did it get all quiet?”
New half-orc, a barbarian who thinks he’s a paladin… long story. Anyway, we’re entering a town that requires everyone to come in through the same gate, and everyone must register their name at the gate. The guard asks my barbarian to “make his mark”, knowing that the half-orc is illiterate.
The barbarian calmly takes the clipboard, picks up the quill, dips it in ink, and scrawls something on the page. He hands it back to the guard, who looks at it and raises an eyebrow.
Guard: “Excellent, Mr…. Zoak.”
Barbarian, standing up so fast he rocks the carriage: “It’s pronounced ‘Krank’!”
Guard, gulping: “How silly of me to misread it. I’m a moron. Carry on, then.”
I have a lot of fun with half-orc characters.
Druid - I turn so that the dragon is facing the goblins. They won't hurt the dragon and he provides me with cover.
DM - the dragon hits the goblin in front of you with his breath weapon and *rattle rattle* his claw *rattle rattle* and his bite. The goblin goes down.
Druid -
Oh, wow, we had almost the same exact situation happen with us when we first went through Sunless Citadel. One of our players had a full-orc barbarian, and he had the dragon wyrmling all wrapped up in a blanket, with only its mouth showing. He was holding its mouth closed with one hand (because, as Steve Irwin has taught us all, holding a 'gator's mouth closed is much easier than keeping it open). Whenever we came across a band of goblins, the orc would simply point the little fella at them and let 'er rip. Man, that adventure was hella fun.
Semi-automatic dragon.....
Man, that was funny!
From this past Saturday's game....
The saint PC after a chat with her deity regarding resurrecting a bunch of monks who'd been slain by large monsters invading their temple, makes this comment after someone said something about talking with her god or somesuch...
"I don't want to [tick] off any god who's willing to wipe my ass!!"
DM Cleric: There he is! The gate guard told me a demonic creature had walked through the gates.
Warlock: Not very good city guards are they?
DM Cleric: They've been warned not to provoke any strange creature with infernal powers.
Warlock: That's good advice. You going to take it?
DM Cleric: I'm here to take you into custody.
Warlock: You're welcome to try.
The bodyguards approach and stand either side of the Warlock.
DM Cleric: My guards and I are prepared for any arcane tricks or devilish magic you might use.
Warlock player: ooc: What armour is the cleric wearing?
DM: Breastplate.
Warlock player: ooc: I shoot both crossbows into his kneecaps.
DM: Gimme some hit rolls.
Warlock player: I hit AC24 and... a natural 20... confirmed with a 19?
DM: ...Those both hit. The cleric goes down shouting obscenities. The guards attack you... and both miss.
Warlock player: I'll punch the one to my left a couple of times. Another 20! Critical confirmed... 14 damage, followed by a normal hit for 6 damage.
DM: The guard goes down. The cleric tries to cast a spell, but for some reason his knees seem to be distracting him and he fails his Concentration check. The last guard attacks... and misses again.
Warlock player: I'll punch him out. *does 12 damage*
DM: The guard staggers back, turns tail and runs out of the tavern.
Warlock player: I go over to the cleric.
Warlock: I took you and your guards out without using any magic. If you really intend on attacking me again, I suggest villagers with pitchforks, torches, scythes and dragons.
My DM, however, let the roof make a strength check against my 4 feet, 75 lbs halfling and rolled a 1. I fell through the roof. Once inside the people living in the house came to investigate me, but I walked passed saying: Roof inspection, your roof need to be improved, gotta hurry, goodbye.
The commoners only could looked very surprised and didn't react until I was gone.
So the story goes as such:
We were all walking down the road, a couple of us on horses, when we came accross a large horse drawn cart, covered and sealed. multiple people on top. They introduced themselves as merchants and as we asked whet type of wares they had to offer, they seemed to have everything. I was very excited (being new to this GM and not knowing something was wrong) so I was "Ok, Let em see what you have"
This is where i was kindly led to the back of the cart and as they opened the back doors there was a familiar face waiting there with a gun pointed at me:
bad guy in cart: "Hi Siryl!"
BANG!
the fight that ensued was insane. I was to the point of death if someone breathed on me wrong so I said that i fake death on the next hit. i rolled a crit on my acting roll so everyone, even my own friends thought I was dead. So i laid there until the battle was over, pretending to be dead.
So now everytime someone sees me or i catch them off guard, they always say "Hi Siryl!"
Hi, there, miss.
Hi, big guy... You look tough, I bet you handle those... swords.. really well.
Yeah, I do I guess. I'm also a smith in my spare time.
I'd like to see what you could.. 'work up', eh handsome?
I'm working on a short sword right now.
Cray Menethi: Let us pass!
Priestess Harcona Everhate: You try my patience!
Cray Menethi: You try mine!
Priestess Harcona Everhate: If you weren't half draconic I would have you flayed.
Firion Windrunner: If you weren't the mortal incarnation of everything we high elves despise and hate, I'd be asking you to have my children.
Priestess Harcona Everhate: GRAUGH!
Later that day:
Cray Menethi: Feel the wrath of Bahamut, (Female dog synonym)!
///
"Yeah I don’t think I can pay, I don’t have any money"
... Later that day
"Um yeah I’m sortof broke"
... More time passes and he goes into a brothel
"You mean I’m supposed to pay?"
Other funnies
-he is asked by someone what a druid is and this is his response
"we druids are like necromancers of the forest... wait thats not it?"
Encounter with an incorporeal dragon trying to work out a deal
Incorporeal dragon: "Well what about my hoard"
Terran Vailray "will this cover it..." he gives him his charity fund because as we know dragons are always lacking in charity
In corporeal dragon: "What about the rest of it. I still need 49000 gold" we are all level 6 at the time and i gave him around 100 platnum and he wanted it in gold and coper to make a mound of coins
Terran vailray "uhh...."
.... later in negotiations
Terran Vailray "High Five!"
Incorporeal Dragon" "you realize my touch has energy drain don’t you mortal"
Terran Vailray "on second thought... maybe we shouldn’t use tactile contact to simulate a connection and thus reflect the status of the deal."
A very motley party was formed. There is Aesir Pashar, a human with a fire elemental bloodline - he's nobility by birth, but a runaway and he is a sullen spoiled jerk who's funny as heck. There is Unari, a female satyr (basically a nymphomaniac) being played by this gal, her husband plays a Minotaur named Bacheika (also from savage species) who grew up (till his teen years) as a slave of the drow and escaped running into my character, Djevian, a Vow of Poverty, Vow of Peace Cleric, who showed Bacheika the first kindness from a non-minotaur and named him.
The rag tag party was formed at the shieldmeet in silverymoon. Basically a bunch of rejects that didn't get commisioned by the regular army. They've been given a mission to escourt some people/things somewhere. On the way they stop at a small town, where they pick up a guy who was getting mugged by three rouges. Despite the calming aura of the Cleric, one rouge makes his saving throw, breaks the calm, and hell heck breaks loose. The guy getting mugged was a fighter and he cleaves one of the rouges in twaine, the minotaur knocks out one guy (he's being taught not to kill by the priest), and the third guy buggers out. Now we've got three fighters (minotaur is basically a fighter), a cleric, and a satyr.
At the next town they are in, a small rivertown, the two human fighters are sitting in the pub getting a beer. They notice Djevian and Unari come in, and while Unari gets a glance or two, they notice the pair trying to ask if their big harry friend can come too, but he's a little scary. The host points to Big Jim, a hairy lumberjack guy with a big belly, and says, "He's big and hairy and no one seems to mind. Sure bring him in."
At that, Aesir turns to the fighter we picked up, Garth, and says, "I bet you when the thing comes in, he screams like a little girl."
Garth thinks about it, "Well, I don't know..."
Aesir offers helpfully, "It could be stunned silence."
Nodding, Garth affirms, "Hmm.. alright, you're on." They shake hands to seal the deal.
Wait a while, while the satyr Unari and VoPov cleric Djevian warn the host, and then Bacheika comes in.
DM says, "Host looks in stunned utter silence, he jaw drops. In the pub, glasses stop clinking - everything just goes quiet."
Aesir Pashar sighs, "Damnit..." And he hands the fighter a gold over the table.
Barmaid comes out, shreiks in terror dropping her mugs, the place goes nuts, people are running out of the building.
Amid the chaos, both fighters laugh, and Garth says, "Alright, that was worth 5 silver back."
When the bar is cleared, the fighters look to each other, then look to the ale barrel, then to each other, "Got your mug?" "Let's go."
4 minutes later, the owner of the bar is brought to it by the host. He looks in, and there are two fighters, ****** drunk, and a female satyr. The fighters (duly appointed representatives of Silverymoon), raise their mugs to him in unison before refilling them again.
"So where's the monster?"
inn keeper: no, i am afraid we don't really have anything for dragons. thier just big lizards with wings and fire breath after all, right?
*fives seconds later he was staring at four VERY
off young adult dragons*inn keeper: g-g-guard! guard!!
*afterwards*
me: did you have to hang him by his toes?
gold1: he asked for it.
gold2: yeah, you know how annoying it is when you get called a lizard?
(other)bronze: well, atleast we left some gold for him to rebuild his inn, though i doubt he will trust anyone any more.
me: true, anyone up for dive bombing his house?
all: sounds like fun.
Halfling -- WOW! You got ugly! We need to get you a hat of disguise! Freakin' monster.
Druid -- HEY! I don't look that bad. I'll buy makeup and wear it if it will make you feel better. (to DM) I buy lip paint and put it on.
DM -- OK, now her lips are red and it looks like she's been eating rabbits raw.
Halfling -- Great. THAT'S not going to scare people!
Halfling -- I tackle the druid
Cleric -- I grapple her
(Rolls and grapples are made and succeed)
Druid -- (from the ground apparently)
HALFLING! I'M GOING TO HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOU! I'LL KILL YOU! YOU HURT MY WOLF! Druid -- We could stick the barrel in the bag of holding...
Halfling -- It's not going to fit... The bag is not as loose as... you :P
Party --
Druid -- I pull out my bow.
Halfling -- I climb on my riding dog and we run away.
Druid -- Fine. Call Lightning. (damage is rolled and the halfling takes 8 points of electrical damage)
Rogue 1: We'll put a fan and blow the smoke to pieces before it forms.
Fighter: We'll catch the smoke in a sack! Demon-in-a-bag! And sell it!
Cleric/Wizard/Cook (Halfling): We can liquidise the smoke. Turn him into Demon drink!
Rogue 2: "Tastes wicked."
DM: *groan* I'm penalising you for that.
---
Another group. There is a riddle to solve.
Half-Orc Barbarian: Well, I think that maybe... Oh wait, I'm a Half-Orc. I'm just standing here scratching my head going "uh..."
Dwarven Druid (glancing at Half-Orc's character sheet): You have a 9 for Intelligence. You're only just about stupid...
---
The party have hitched a ride with evil pirates in an evil flying ship. The pirates don't know we're the enemies of their employers...
Bard: How close are we to our destination now?
DM: Quite close actually. The captain reckons maybe another hour or so.
Bard:
I'll make the captain dinner in thanks for the passage. (to the party) We might get some more information from him.DM: Ehm, okay. So you are having dinner with the captain.
Party starts making small talk with the captain.
Bard: I'll present a bottle of wine to the captain, as a Going Away Thank You present (having previously stolen it from his kitchen).
Captain (DM): Why, thank you. Oh, Sevallier '65, my favourite!- he starts drinking it.
Bard: ... :D I'm heading for the deck now. :D
Rogue: ... it isn't...
Bard: *Nods* :D
Rogue: ... I'm going to the deck too.
Fighter: ... so am I.
DM:
Cleric: ... no...
Druid: ..?
DM:
Bard: Ehm... I haven't been all that honest with you... You remember that love potion I stole, back in town?
DM:
... I should have seen that coming, shouldn't I?---
DM: Alright... The captain has been fed a love potion. Who of you are still in the room?
Human female Cleric, Dwarven male Druid, and Half-Orc male Barbarian.
DM: ... well, the captain is a Tiefling. The Dwarf is inter-racial. I'll roll between the other two.
*Rollrollroll*
DM: ... it's the Half-Orc.
---
Barbarian runs and is being chased across the deck by a half drunk, madly in love pirate captain.
Bard: Hey, stop running!
Cleric: You need to cooperate, so we can get what we want.
Bard: We want to take over the ship!
Cleric: So that they can't help the bad guys in the all-destroying war!
Fighter: Maybe there's some information in the captain's private quarters.
Cleric: Yes, good idea. Stop running and make him take us to his private quarters.
Fighter: ... and some gold and magic items and...
Barbarian: *sigh* Turn to the captain...
DM: The captain gives you a big hug.
Barbarian: >.>
Cleric: His private quarters!
Barbarian: ... yeah. Uh... You show bedroom!
As a note, the Barbarian was played by another player that session... Can't wait till the actual player finds out. :D
---
The party have a habit of arguing. About... everything. The direction in a tunnel. They find a door, they'll argue about opening it for half an hour. Curently, the pirate captain has fallen into a drunken stupor.
Druid: So what are we gonna do to him?
Fighter: Are we gonna kill him and loot the place?
Bard: Well... we could kill him...
Rogue: We could just escape the ship.
Fighter: Are we gonna kill him and loot the place?
Druid: What will we do now?
Rogue: We don't have to kill him, do we?
Bard: Maybe not no...
Fighter: Are we gonna kill him and loot the place?
Druid: So what shall we do then?
Rogue: The other pirates might kill us if we kill him.
Bard: They don't have to find out.
Druid: But how then?
Rogue: Are we gonna take the coins?
Bard: No, he'll notice when he wakes up.
Druid: And he'll suspect us.
Bard: Of course he doesn't have to wake up...
Rogue: But then...
Druid, Rogue and Bard: Yatyatyatargueyatyatargueyat...
Fighter: ARGH!
Okay, hands up if you want the captain to die! ... okay he dies. STAB! ---
Having infiltrated the evil camp, some of the party get eye to eye with the evil priestess. Funny how a good line can also be complete silence.
DM: She's wearing a black robe, she's blonde and very pretty...
Fighter: ... why hello there...
Bard (utterly and truly innocently): I think he likes her.
Party:
Fighter: *goes into negotiations about joining the evil cult*
Bard: Uhm... Looks like he's joined the cult.
Druid: Maybe he's just infiltrating?
Bard: Do you trust him?
Party: ...
---
To my group. We always end up rolling off our seats laughing. To the great despair of the DM.DM: you hear something
THIEF: whats it sound like?
DM: people in your room
THIEF: i get up
DM: you are stopped at knife point
THIEVES: where is the globe?
THIEF: what globe?
THIEVES: maybe the stinky fellow knows
DM: Barbarian! you wake up with a knife to your throat
THIEVES: Where is the globe?!
Barbarian:
THIEVES: Tell us where it is!
PC: Now, the knife is right at my throat right?
DM: YES
PC: I fall back to sleep away from the knife
true comedic value at the hands of the resident smasher lol
DM- You open the portal and see (dramatic pause)
PC- (in a tone of innocence and hope) is it treasure?
Having infiltrated the evil camp, some of the party get eye to eye with the evil priestess. Funny how a good line can also be complete silence.
DM: She's wearing a black robe, she's blonde and very pretty...
Fighter: ... why hello there...
Bard (utterly and truly innocently): I think he likes her.
Party:
Fighter: *goes into negotiations about joining the evil cult*
Bard: Uhm... Looks like he's joined the cult.
Druid: Maybe he's just infiltrating?
Bard: Do you trust him?
Party: ...
For some reason, everyone thinks the worst of Jinx (the fighter, played by me). If there are two ways to take something he says, they go for the one that is either less polite, illegal, or just plain disgusting. For example
Sadly we found it necessary to dispatch the previously mentioned evil priestess woman (well, she was trying to sacrifice innocent elven children, but what a waste, blonde, beautiful, AND powerful!). We've run off with Jinx carrying the corpse, after all, she might have been carrying something valuable...
Cleric: Lets bury the head separately from the body, so that she's harder to resurrect.
Fighter (Jinx): I think we should desecrate the body a bit first, just to make sure...
Party & DM: What do you mean by "desecrate" exactly? (or words to that effect)
Catriona - Give the party a round of applause from me. Those couple instinces were most excellent.
Why thank you, I think...Have a nice day
Ukos
guards:You're under arrest.
Me:Why?
guards:You stole that armour.
Me:I paid for it.
guards: We still have to take you in.
Me: Fine. On the morrow you will taste the black
of my vengeance. :evillaugh z
Cleric: Hey guys, can I have some pants?
Group: Why do you need pants? What's wrong with the ones you've got?
Cleric: uh... I peed in them.
DM rolls to see if there are obvious visual signs that he has peed himself.
Group: *confused by the lack of urine stain* Um... no, you can't have any of our pants.
Cleric proceeds to find and get pants from a commoner and returns to the group
Cleric: sorry about that guys, I really needed the pants to give to my friend, I was just embarassed.
Druid: And saying that you peed on yourself wasn't embarassing?
Oh my, talk about randomness... Our campaign is so much fun...
Funny how a good line can also be complete silence.
Yes, this seems to happen a fair bit... :D
A very lengthy battle drags on with a bunch of zombies that don't seem to want to 'die'. The fighter eventually turns to the cleric who, fighting valiantly, now has less than half her HP left:
Fighter: "Don't you have Turn Undead?"
Cleric: ... ><;
Catriona - Give the party a round of applause from me. Those couple instinces were most excellent.
Thank you! Nice to know we can amuse. :D
I was playing a happy go lucky rouge, who happened to be an atheist, which is a bad idea in that campaign (you can get killed for it)
A guy from the catholic inquisition is question our party about there religoun. The others had said Luthern and the like, which he was fine with. My turn.
Church Guy: And so traveler, which faith do you profess?
Me: I'm a catholic
Church Guy: (doubtful, as I am from a region usually against catholics)
Really. Then what did you give up for lent?
Me: (lent was a major issue to them) I gave up god
Church Guy: (looks at me in shock) Atheist! I'll have you killed!
Me: (as I stab him with my sword) God bless the atheists!
This was made even funnier by the fact that our dm was a catholic priest
(Speaking of a Half-Orc)
Player 1: He is half good.
Player 2 (me): The other half is Orc
After breaking his Mercurial Great sword spilling mercury all over a Halfling, who was behind the Huge troll we were fighting.
Halfling: Ewwww, oh your sword broke.
Fighter: What did you think it was, a wet fart?
There are more, but that is all for now.
DM - So your running around the wagon at a speed of 320 trying to look like a regular peasant in order to be unsuspected of being with the barbarian?
Monk - Yes
Everyone else at the table -
Background: My party was in a town that was having a surprisingly large number of undead attacks so the mayor sent out for a specialist to investigate. The specialist ends up being a very flashy wizard who loved to brag about himself.
Me: That's a very nice mace you have there.
Wizard: Thank you, it was a gift to me from a town where me and a few friends of mine killed a whole host of vampires.
Me: (rolls sense motive, succeeds)
DM: You think it was him and a lot of friends.
Its funny to me, maybe I'm wierd.
Me: That's a very nice mace you have there.
Wizard: Thank you, it was a gift to me from a town where me and a few friends of mine killed a whole host of vampires.
Me: (rolls sense motive, succeeds)
DM: You think it was him and a lot of friends.
ROFL...nope, not just you I found that one pretty funny
Gnome wizard= yup, it's a +4 vorpal mace
myself= riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight
Facts:
low magic campaign
party of 5th lvl characters
VORPAL mace ?
ME(shifter): Shut up.
Half-Elf Druid: Yeah. We aren't queer.
Gnome: Queer!
Druid: (something along the lines of) Dude, shut up.
Me::headexplo I grab his collar and hoist him...grapple suceeds...I make an unarmed strike(being a monk!) to slam him against the ground...threat of critical...critical...wow...
And no, we really aren't.
lol, a shifter monk.........
... how queer ;)
just kidding
DM: The buildings appear to be made of wood
Fighter: How many fireballs would it take to burn them all down?
DM: Hmm, 3 or 4 maximized fireballs would do it.
Fighter: Ok...4...I have my minions cast 8 fireballs around the town
DM:
later...
DM: Alright, you have killed two of the 8 targets here, who do you go for next?
(We randomly pick one)
Peanut gallery: Magic Missile!
(Fighter and I look at each other)
Me: Wait a minute, we have essentially an unlimited number of infinite level spellcasters in our bags of holding (don't ask, major abuse of the rules), that could work...
DM: OMG, thats an automatic hit, isn't it?
Me: Yup, we have a magic missile cannon
(DM knocks the next three minis off the table as we pick them out, until we got to the mages, then they killed us)
Anyway, I'll put up one.
Our party is being gathered to set out on the fairly standard apocalyptic battle to save the world. We're gathering in secret because this world persecutes 'heroes' (the result of the previous two parties in this world failing miserably, leaving the world in the horrible state it's in)
One of the party members is an Elf rogue. Now elves as a race abandoned the war against the Undead legions to hide in their own sealed demiplane. And on top of that he's half-drow. So in order to hide this fact the wraps himself head to toe in bandages.
So we have the party of would-be heroes gathering in secret to save the world, having just been chased by mysterious cloaks with claws and masks, when now there's a mysterious cloak wrapped head to toe in bandages introducing himself. When asked about why he's wrapped in bandages, our high charisma rogue answers,
"Umm... I'm a burn victim."
Never heard the end of it, and was never allowed to take any ranks in bluff... ever.
All hell is breaking loose and the party is facing eminent total party wipe, Thus the Conversation:
PC1: OK, I am going to start praying for devine intervention.
DM: ok, Roll.
PC1: Natural 20... My god appears!
DM:
:OMG! Your God is the SUN! What were you thinking!DM: Woosh, the Earth is a burnt cinder.
PC1:
PC2: I am praying also.
Hughman
Fighter: Hello, we have cleared out the blockage. It was an Otyugh in the pipes.
Foreman: Curses! How do they keep getting in here!
Fighter: Well, it's certainly gone now (It fell down the cavern)
Foreman: Good, good. Well, is there anything else you need?
Fighter: Yes, in fact. We have been told that you know more than any other dwarf in Il'Ikhar.
Foreman: It depends what topic.
Fighter: How many of the king's men would it take to dig a tunnel through the walls?
Foreman: Oh well, I'd estimate about 200 of Dorgo's finest could do the job.
*awkward silence*
Fighter: I want to bribe you.
Foreman: Why didn't you say so!?
Dm: okay, the airship is plumeting to the ground, what do you do?
Ranger: we need some way to slow the fall
Wizard: Okay... casts wall of force under the airship
Dm: the airship hits the wally, and falls off it with a cruch of wood.
Wizard: Crap, alright, I cast major creation to summon a gaint ramp under the airship so it slides to the ground.
Dm: ...rolls... The ramp splinters under the falling airship, slowing your fall, but you are still falling.
Wizard: All hope is lost!
Ranger: I summon small furry animals under the airship to break the fall!
Party:
Ok, it all started between a dispute between the elf and the Dwarf(me) we started out the game in a tavern, I am already Drunk from Ale, and beer, so I start out the Argument.
Barbarian(Fierin)- Excuse me would you like a Drink, elf?
Sorcerer(Ian)- No thank you I don't Drink
Barbarian(Fierin)- Stuipid Elf, it would do you some right to Drink and Grow a beard.
Sorcerer(Ian)- What did you say Dwarf? You fowl Smelling scum on the bottom of my shoe.
Barbarian(Fierin)- F
ing Elf, don't know when to shut your face, I will shut it for you.~The Bard Comes over and he Owns the Tavern, not to mention he has Bouncers~
Bard(Gabe)- What's going on over here?
Barbarian(Fierin)- Having a Dispute.
Sorcerer(Ian)- Yeah and you Started it!
DM: Roll for Persuation Check.
Sorcerer(Ian)- 16
Barbarian(Fierin)- 20
DM: Ian, you're now surrounded by Bouncers for starting a fight, What do you do?
Sorcerer(Ian)- I Cast Ray of Frost!
Dm: Ok roll for it.
Sorcerer(Ian)- 4
Dm: You couldn't cast the spell due to the noise of the Surrounding area.
~The Sorcerer then is taken into a room, where Harold lives, and is chained up to a bed post~
Harold: Hi, sweety we're going to have some real fun.
To make a long story Short I cut to the case.
Dm: You are Surrounded by 6 Wererats in Hybrid Form, Harold/Sheeva(Wig), and 3 Orcs.
Sorcerer(Ian): I cast Ray of Frost on the ground!
~Ian rolls a 1!~
DM: Your spell backfired and was casted on the floor your standing on.
Sorcerer(Ian): Oh C
!DM: You fall to the ground and knocked unconcious, for a quick second, when you wake up you find a Orc P
on your forehead.Sorcerer(Ian):
~Bard Enters~
Bard(Gabe)- Well, I hope you've learn your leson today.
Sorcerer(Ian)-
Bard(Gabe)- Find be like that I could just let Harold/Sheeva and her Wererat buddies R
your to daylight.Sorcerer(Ian)- NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
I laughed my
off, so did the DM and every one else. We still tease him about that. :DVampire: *dominate* you don't need your ammo.
Dwarf: but how'll I shoot me gun?
Vampy: *d* You don't want to shoot the gun.
Dwarf: Yee're right. Why use the gun, when I've got me AXE!?
Vampire: *d* No... you don't want to use the axe either. -sigh-
Dwarf: Of course! Why use me axe, when I've got me Hammer!!! *Weilding hammer*
Vampire:fine... whatever... just kill them.
^_^
Dwarf: Gimmie my ammo for the rifle!
Vampire: *dominate* you don't need your ammo.
Dwarf: but how'll I shoot me gun?
Vampy: *d* You don't want to shoot the gun.
Dwarf: Yee're right. Why use the gun, when I've got me AXE!?
Vampire: *d* No... you don't want to use the axe either. -sigh-
Dwarf: Of course! Why use me axe, when I've got me Hammer!!! *Weilding hammer*
Vampire:fine... whatever... just kill them.
^_^
LOL!!
This could continue endlessly..
"why use the boot, when i go me stick?!
*d* you dont want to use the stick.
right.. why use the stick, when i got me smokestick?!
vampire
NO you DONT want to use the SmokeSTICK!!yer right again.. why use the..."
LOL!!
This could continue endlessly..
"why use the boot, when i go me stick?!
*d* you dont want to use the stick.
right.. why use the stick, when i got me smokestick?!
vampire
yer right again.. why use the..."
That dwarf had an eversmoking pipe too... >.<
"I'm not Lawful Good any more, am I?"
I learned many things from my time in the City of Towers. Particularly how fething slippery the sides are when it's raining. - Gayad the Fighter's journal when his teammates finaly find his splattered corpse at the bottom of the huge fall (They looted him).
Wow, that was a long fall, for him to have time to fill out one last diary entry.
Two players are wandering around in a dimly-lit dungeon, and one of them keeps trying to be good, but kinda, well mucks up at it
PC1: God, you just don't take me seriously, do you?
PC2: Nope.
PC1: Do you take me at all?
PC2: ???
Half-Orc: I search the fountain for any clues as to where the temple might be.
DM: Okay, roll a search check.
Half-Orc: (rolls) One.
DM: The Orc plays in the water.
Party:
A very annoying elven Sorceress/Rogue had left the party not too long ago, so in her "honor" our Rogue set the following commands:
- To shrink the fortress: "Aeryn's-common-sense".
- To enlarge it again: "Aeryn's-mouth".
- To seal the door tight: "Aeryn's-generosity".
- To open the door wide: "Aeryn's-legs".
Since the Fortress is party property, she told the rest of the group the command words. Everyone was amused, though some have expressed queasiness at the idea of using the doorway with that last image in their minds. Can't say I blame them.
Fighter: Hey look its Bing.
Bing (DM): Bing ungy! "He snarls and begins running towards you baring his teeth"
Fighter:Run, he's going bury his head like a tick!
After a short skirmish, with Bing actually being a big disappointment
, this was encounter was imortalized as the "Bing Incident"*my signature is part of a converstation that didn't take place in game, but was over some ingame incidents where one of my PCs hid a large amount of cash in a strangers yard hoping it would be safe....he was wrong :P
heres some.
after any power move:powers i have them.
after setting a house on fire in the snow, in a blizzard.the house was brried so he didnt know it was thare
dm:you here sreams from inside
brain: ill laught at them
dm:alighment change,chaitioc evil.
another after brains knocked out body is being carried away by grabiod things.
dm: you see brains body bing carrried away
e-man: laugh at him.
also im know as mc peee pants after i ****** myself laughing at this.
DM: It's dark out and you see a small fire up ahead.
Rod and I: *glance at each other* Sneak up for a closer look
DM: How close are you gonna get
Rod: Close enough so we are out the light, but so we can get a clear look
DM: About 30 feet away you can see a small group of humans. One opposite the fire from you grabs a log and puts it on the fire without getting up or moving his cloak that is covering his eyes.
Rod: *to me* Should we mess with them?
Me: *nod*
Rod and I: *almost simultaneously* I pick up a rock.
DM:
How big?Me: Not that big. Just like, you know, a good sized pebble. (think an inch diameter)
DM:
OK, what now?Me: I'll take the closest guy in front of me. (I'm on the left)
Rod: I'll take the next closest, in front of me.
DM: Roll to hit.....
*roll* *roll*
Staring at a 20 I look over at Rod and then his dice, he's already looking at my dice. We both look at the DM
DM: That's not a.....You too? Roll to confirm.
*roll* *roll*
Rod: 17, plus.....
Me: 16, plus.....
DM: *before we can finish* You both hit. Roll d4's for.... *looks at stats for the humans* Nevermind.....You hear what sounds like someone trying to split a log that is sitting on very wet mud. Both the human's heads are very bloody.
Rod and I: Oops....
DM: You see the other 3 getting up. The one who put the log on the fire is trying to load a crossbow and the other two are reaching for bows. They all look terrified.
Me: *dammit* I run towards the one on the left of the fire with my Scythe.
Rod: I go to the right of the fire.
DM: Initiative.....
*roll* *roll* *roll*
DM: You both go before them.
Rod: I rolled a 1.
DM: So did I. They have a 9 Dex.
Me: I go first.
DM: Both of you, roll to hit.
*roll* *roll*
Me: Armor class, 23?
DM:
Hit.Rod: 17.
DM: Hit. Roll damage.
Me: 14.
Rod: 9.
DM: They both fall down. Do either of you have Cleave?
Both of us: Yes.
DM: BOTH of......Roll to hit.
Rod: I hit.
Me: Me too.
DM: What did you get?
Me: 19.
Rod: 24.
DM:
Roll damage.*roll* *roll*
Rod: 13.
Me: Yahtzee! 16.
DM:
Who had first initiative.Me: It was a Cleave attack for both of us....
DM: You see the last human topple like a Jenga tower as Rod lops his head off and Grom (my character) cuts clean through his waist. You're both spattered with blood.
Me: I search the bodies for any gold or things we can sell since I'm broke.
Rod: I walk to the guys we hit with the rocks to search them.
DM explains what weapons we find
Me: I bundle the weapons together and set them by my pack that I just set down.
DM:
Me: I unlash my bedroll and curl up next to the fire.
Rod: I rolled a 20 on my "Already Asleep" check.
DM: "As you travel down the road, a brightly dressed minstrel . . ."
PARTY (in unison): "IGNORE!!!!!"
Same party, learning we don't really affect the area of the campaign, i.e. a person gets killed who shouldn't always appears in the next mod anyway.
DM: "They're locked in the house with all of the doors and windows reinforced, and they have a pretty scure position. you think they will have several rounds of free attacks on you should you approach"
Wizard: (invisible) "I arcane lock the door and window on the first floor. then I set the building on fire and leave."
Party (almost in unison): "SET THE BUILDING ON FIRE AND LEAVE!"
My little brother's kensai: "Oh yeah? If he's so tough why have I killed him twice and he's only killed me once?"
One module, when the party cleric had cast "detect evil" on the man who summoned us to his house in the hopes of hiring us, and had found that he was evil:
Man in house: Greetings, adventurers! Your reputations precede you. I am XXXXX and would like to enlist your services . . ."
Cleric "He's evil."
Barbarian: "Die b**ch!" (charges and attacks)
Our high level party's counterspell expert:
DM: I need you to make a save . . .
Cleric: "Counter."
DM: I didn't even tell you what spell!"
Cleric: "So? Counter."
Our party wizard's "mass suggestion" utterance:
"Kill everyone you ambushed us with and then surrender."
Smug DM: "He full attacks you. Does AC 68 hit?"
Me playing HL AC wh*re: "No."
DM: As you (talking to me and the Sorc) walk into the room, you can almost feel a magic essence eminating from everywhere.
Kyllian: I cast Detect Magic.
DM:
....The power is so great that after just a split secont you have a migraine.*Spike and I post watch just inside the door and keep it open*
DM: Lace, roll spot
*roll* Alot.
DM: You see Kyllian almost faint, grab his head and close his eyes.
Lace: *to Kyllian* That was dumb. I start searching the shelves.
DM: Your spell should be almost over.....
Kyllian: I'm gonna try it one more time.
DM:
Lace, roll listen.*roll* 15.
DM: You hear something hit the floor.
Lace: I turn around
DM: You see Kyllian laying on the floor, bleeding from the ears. He's unconscious.
Me: I bundle the weapons together and set them by my pack that I just set down.
DM:
Me: I unlash my bedroll and curl up next to the fire.
Rod: I rolled a 20 on my "Already Asleep" check.
Bwa ha ha! :D
Wow, tha'ts pretty funny, two players thinknig and acting that much alike... nice that the dice cooperated on that. Good one.
The invisible theif jumps the wall and trys the window. Doesn't see the trap on a 36 search check (lousy DM) and sets off the alarm. Runs bak and jumps back over wall. So then the group decides to put her on the wall and take potshots at the guard dogs. After a few rounds, the guards finally come over. She knocks them out and the rest of us jump over. On our way to the mansion, we hi two werewolf guards. 2 rounds into the fight, the freakin Barbarian (the only one doing damage to these guys) runs off to the mansion and braks in. He and the mage who followed finally find the BBEG mage when he cone of colds the mage to death. Then Barbarian charges the mage. He casts teleport 500 feet up and then levitate on himself. Barbarian goes splat in a really messy way. While he was playing birdy with the mage, the other 3 of us were getting messed up by the werewolves. Between the 3 of us, we could do NO damage to them thanks to DR (was like dual scimitar desert fighter, rogue, and a cleric. The mage then saw us and fried us with a couple spells. The other 2 fought to the death and my fighter surrendered to be tortured to death.
And thats why all my characters will now invest in SILVER WEAPONS
1. A mixed party is talking about battle plans to assult a Dark citdel, when the fighter in the group says "You people are to cautious, its only a bunch of dark clerics I say we go in close the door behind us and nobody leaves." The party members thought about it and said "I like the plan lets do it." - needless to say they ran out not realizing the clerics were not the only things in that church.
2. Rouge tries to steal a ranger's animal companion a horse. The ranger shows up and says "what are you doing."
rogue "Taking my horse for a ride got a problem with that."
Ranger "yes I can talk with the horse and it says it belongs to me."
rogue "Sorry looked like mine. It the other one."
Ranger "leave before I call the guards."
Rogue walks out looks the ranger in, sets the barn on fire runs to the guards and gives the description of the ranger as the one who started the fire.
Ranger gets out has some problems with the guards, later on they meet at a respective employer.
Rogue "Hi! I heard about the fire its a shame."
Ranger "A bird told me who started it."
Rogue "There was no bird, it was at night when I set it a blaze."
Ranger grins. (Lets just say, thats when collar of master and slaves came out)
3. A druid comes back as a sparrow, after robbing several merchants against the groups leaders wishes.
Leader looks at the sparrow druid and says angrly "where have you been?"
Druid says "Cheap"
Leader "don't give me that."
Druid says "Chirp"
As they set up camp arguments break out about people doing different watches as they are concerned the quasit will attack inthe night and many of the PC's are very close to death and there is only one PC with darkvision.
PC1: I'm not going to do a watch without the elf as I can't see in the dark. What makes you think he (the quasit) won't jump out and stab me in the arse.
PC2: Is he a quasit homosexual?
My group loves the movie boondock saints. I was playing a character who came from a land modeled after britain. One of our party memebers teleports in with a blind man in full plat, and before anything was said, the blind man teleported away. The room was silent for a moment, when my character piped up with, "I can't believe that just F***in happened."
EDIT:It was a buff spell by the way, i didnt even damage the stupid thing.
I was playing a happy go lucky rouge, who happened to be an atheist, which is a bad idea in that campaign (you can get killed for it)
so is it hard to play a color? :P
so is it hard to play a color? :P
I played a Blue once...wasn't that hard :D .
Back to the stories!!!!
DM: (After listen rolls) The rogue and ranger both hear something up ahead around the corner.
Rogue: (Yells) Hey people, something is ahead of us.
Fighter: Okay. So what we gonna do?
(10
minutes of discussion later)Ranger (me): ALRIGHT, FINE. I sneak up to the corner and look around it to the right.
Rogue: Dude what are you doing?
DM: Okay, as you look around the corner, you hear a great intaking of breath to your left (the OTHER way)
Ranger:
! I dive for the other side of the passage.DM: Roll a reflex.
Ranger: Does 23 make it?
DM: Yeah,only 12d6.
Ranger:
:headexplo !Rogue: That is why I do the sneaking. (Crack) (Cleric smacks rogue on head with mace for 26 points of nonlethal.)
Well, I thought it was funny at the time.
We had been breaking into a heavily guarded castle through the storm water drains and had finally made it to the castles unused internal water reserve as usual the rogue and exemplar are first, through a narrow underwater passage. After a few seconds they fly out hitting the back wall of the room and ran back into the passage.
DM: wizard its your turn.
Me: I summon a water elemental.
DM: Why? as far as you know water pressure could have launched them out of there.
Rogue: Yeah right, we drew our weapons and screamed warcries to fight the water pressure.
DM: As you call for another round, the serving wench arrives at the table with your tankards of ale. (Places the mini which just happened to be a half-orc on the mat).
Me: I party until she's cute!
DM: (looking at my character sheet) You don't have enough money.
Yaki:I cast Wish!
DM(me):Okay, blah blah blah, what d'you want? (cant be bothered typing the whole thing)
Yaki: A weapon that can cut through anything like hot butter!
DM: :D Here you go, the Butterknife of Slaying +5 (dagger, except against dairy products it goes to a +20)
Yaki:I cast Wish again
DM:What d'you want this time?
Yaki:An enemy to fight that this would be effective against
DM:Okay, as the Djinni disappears, a Cheese Golem stands in its place.
Our sanity has been questioned, with good cause.
DM:Okay, as the Djinni disappears, a Cheese Golem stands in its place.
So did you get the stats for this from the Munster Manual? :D
This quote is owed to our horrible horrible dice rolls:
DM: "There are 6 treasure chests in this room in two neat rows."
Nagumo (Sorc4/Rogue4): "I'll search the first one on the left for traps." *rolls a 1*
DM: "The chest looks perfectly fine to you."
Nagumo: "Um... Hey Kard, this one's for you!"
Kard (Rogue8): "Great! I... wait, is it trapped?" *Rolls a 1 on Search*
DM: "Looks fine to you."
Kard: "Good. I open it."
Treasure chest: *explodes!*
Nagumo: "Ha! That'll learn ya to trust me." *Opens 2nd chest.*
Treasure chest #2: *explodes!*
So did you get the stats for this from the Munster Manual? :D
Wait for it...
"I'm trying to get into trouble, but my Gnome Rogue just doesn't seem to be able to accomplish it"
A jerk player created an evil PC - Cleric, I believe - and played him not only as evil as possible, but as dumb and rude as possible. One of his favorite tactics was to defile everything in one way or another.
So the party finds a portal to the elemental plane of water - a big pool of silvery water.
He takes a whizz in it!
The DM, fed up with the player's antics, rolls some random dice for effect and determines that a water elemental has travelled up the stream and is now occupying his bladder. Attempts to evacuate were not met with success and the player was told to get his act together or the elemental would be upset. The PC died sometime later (same session) of "I told you not to tick me off again" disease.
DM: You hear footsteps coming up the stairs.
Fighter: Erm.. I hide near the door, and ready my scythe...
Rogue: I take all my clothes off.
Everyone:
DM: Ok.. the guard comes up, and sees you standing naked near the bed. He looks quite bewildered.
Fighter: Quick, make a charisma check!
High Str/Con Barbarian: "Who the **** are you?"
High Wis Cleric: "Ah, that is truly the question, is it not? Are we but unimportant pieces in a larger game are we..."
*Barbarian punches the Cleric*
Cleric: "Violence only makes violence, turn away from your destructive path and join our cause..."
*Barbarian punches the cleric again, crits and makes the cleric fall over*
*Barbarian takes the Clerics holy symbol and points it at the wizard*
Barbarian: "Turn in the name of Paldor, vile fiend-thingy"
Wizard to no one in particular: "I like him :D "
Cleric: I cast make whole on the ship.
Party:
No! Don't do that! We're inthe middle of the ocean!Cleric and DM:
Um, why not?DM: The ship is too big for that to work... but... ???
Party: If you put a hole in the ship, we'll sink!
Cleric, deadpan: With a "W", morons.
DM:
Party: Oh. Ok then!
Later, the party arrives in a metropolis in order to sell the recovered ship. The party Halfling (too many classes to list) sends two crewmen to find a buyer. A bit later, the Halfling returns to find his men with another guy waiting by the ships. The offer is made, then:
Halfling: Ok, sure, we'll take 20,000!
Buyer: Great, here it is. (hands over small pouch)
Halfling: (OOC) What's in the pouch?
DM: (OOC) Five diamonds.
Halfling:
Ok, off the the jewelers! So, are you keeping the crew? (crew was made up of the remaining captured pirates)Buyer: Of course I am, you just sold them to me.
Halfling:
That's evil.Buyer: What do you mean? It's legal. They agreed to the deal. (pointing to the two lackies)
(Ok, that last one was probably more funny for me...)
Bartleby
Party meets for the first time. lvl 1.
High Str/Con Barbarian: "Who the **** are you?"
High Wis Cleric: "Ah, that is truly the question, is it not? Are we but unimportant pieces in a larger game are we..."
*Barbarian punches the Cleric*
Cleric: "Violence only makes violence, turn away from your destructive path and join our cause..."
*Barbarian punches the cleric again, crits and makes the cleric fall over*
*Barbarian takes the Clerics holy symbol and points it at the wizard*
Barbarian: "Turn in the name of Paldor, vile fiend-thingy"
Wizard to no one in particular: "I like him :D "
:D:D:D
This thread is awesome, it should really be stickied.
The party had just spent the last ten minutes in sewage rolling for saves. The paladin was fine, but the hobgoblin marshall and the human warlock were quite ill from the nastiness.
DM: Ok as you open the door by touching the journal of Bonal Geldem to the inscribed House cannith sigil in the hatch it opens. A swarm of insects greets your entrance.
Battle ensues. After 2 rounds they discover meele damage does nothing to a swarm. Warlock keeps missing with his Eldritch blasts, and warforged cleric is of course immune since he has no edible flesh that the buggies want.
Warlock being eaten alive: Help!
Hobgoblin Marshall: Quickly back into the river of sewage!
Warlock stands there another round: What?
Paladin: Back into the sewage! *paladin helps him in, escourting him*
So the bugs go on the Paladin.
Hobgoblin Marshall: Quickly back into the sewage!
Paladin jumps in, and bugs attack nearest target which is the Marshall. Now he is being eaten alive.
Warlock and Paladin: Quickly into the sewage! *Marshall jumps in, and vomits shortly afterwards*
Warforged Cleric just sits there looking at the bugs and the fleshies.
Cleric: Are any of them hurt?
DM: Yes they recieved substancial damage and if thier wounds aren't cleaned out now they'll get infected.
Cleric with Adamantine body -8 to swim: Hang on guys! *jumps in on top of them* I clean out thier wounds.
DM: They get dirty again because of the sewage and the bugs are waiting for you all to get out.
Warlock: I climb back out on the other side.
DM: The bugs fly over and start eating you again rending flesh from your body.
Everyone in succession: Quickly back into the sewage!
Dear god. I have no idea how they will handle the CR 3...
Little background... Party has to investigate some thefts and other acts of violence. Things lead to a goblin community that lives in caves to the north east of town. The party goes there to talk to the head goblin.
Goblin guard- Halt... (y u hear, followed by PC explanation)
Guard- Well, if you wish to see (enter rulers name here) then u must leave all your weapons out here with me.
Rawww- O.k. I drop all my stuff in front of the goblin (keep note hes a ranger)
Smart P.C.- What the hell are you doing?!?! Your planning on going in there with nothing?!?!
Rawww- Whats the worst that they could do, kill us???
Everyone at table (thinking... OH MY GOD!...... can he really be that stupid)
Never give the DM any ideas... never!
The following line hasn't actually happened in my pressence, but a friend of mine who used to play D&D has told me about it...
*Bard sings for no appearant reason (well, he is wearing a cursed item causing it, but the player is cool about it)*
Fighter: "Be quiet!"
Bard sings: "I can't!"
*Fighter takes an immovable rod and sticks it up the bards ******
Bard (still singing): "That is NOT going to shut me up, y' know"
Fighter: "No, but we can walk away.... you can't"
Bard:
Sorcerer: "Excuse me, but I could use Silence on him..."
Fighter: "You're really taking all the fun out of this, y' know,"
Sorcerer: "I'm sorry." *casts summon monster, and tells it to target the bard*
Fighter: "You have learned well, my young padawan :P "
Needless to say, Bob was mighty upset when they finally ressurected him.
---
DM-Okay, you're at the cave entrance. The cave itself seems to slope down into the darkness about 70 or so feet away from the entrance and there is a slightly magical darkness surrounding i--
Wizard/Blood Witch Pyromaniac -I throw a Fireball down it.
DM-*rolls dice* Well, thats the end of that adventure. The fireball explodes on the cave wall, causing it to collapse along with the rest of the cave, crushing all the monsters. You (the wizard) get 12000 experience, since she was the only one who did something.
Wizard-Yay!
Everybody else -
---
*Same party*
DM-Right now, there's this great platinum altar dedicated to one of the forgotten gods. It has all these unique carvings on it and looks very exquisite and--
Wizard-Lets melt it down and sell it, it's platinum!
DM-Oh god... That means you get... *types on his computer for a minute* 10000 platinum pieces.
PC's-
DM-Each.
PC's- :bounce:
---
Paladin- Hey Wizard, what's that sack for?
Wizard-That? Oh, it's got halflings in it.
---
Wizard-Lets see... My Paladin boyfriend currently has 2 Int and 2 cha due to that curse? And since I gained a level I can learn Limited Wish, which could restore them. Um, I choose Greater Teleport.
---
DM-(before session)Okay, Wizard. Roll a d% and if you get a high number I'll let something special happen just for you, because you're my favourite character.
Wizard (OOC, of course)-okay, 84.
DM-Congrats! You're pregnant!
Wizard-
who did it?DM-The Paladin Vampire.
Wizard-
---
Wizard-Throw the halfling at it!
---
DM-So you need to get back home, 30 miles away.
Wizard-I use my Greater Teleport. See ya suckers!
Paladin-Damnit, we have to walk.
Monk- Yeah, sucks, doesn't it? See ya suckers! *runs away at his 6 mile/round speed*
Paladin- F***************!
DM- Urm, you're a paladin, and you're swearing.
Paladin- Oops! I mean, it was OOC!
---
Paladin-We need to use some sort of diversion to get by the dragon!
Wizard-*looks evilly at halfling*
---
*Different Party*
Rogue-I sneak attack the girl bugbear!
DM-Okay, you cut her clothing and a bit of her shoulder.
Rogue-Alright!
DM-Now it's the other bugbear's go. He saw what you did to his girlfriend and goes into a barbaric rage. He attacks *Rolls dice* the cleric.
Rogue (OOC)-But he's mad at me, shouldn't he be attacking me?
DM-Good point. He attacks you and hits for 28 damage. You're on 2.
Rogue-I shouldn't have said that.
DM-No you shouldn't.
---
DM-So there's bundles upon bundles of fabric; silk, sheep's wool...
Rogue-Must be a sewing room.
DM-And in the corner, you see two barrels full of ale.
Rogue-And WHAT a sewing room!
---
Yeah, that's about it.
He was a lv 4 or 5 or something thief(from ver 2)named "Sassin" And he was cought trying to get into a town where he had a bit of a bad reputation. He was put before the judge (which was partly deaf) and the judge asked "what is your name?" and he answered "I'm Sassin, I've come to see the king"(the ring was the town he came from), but the judge heard "I'm the assassin, I've come to kill the king"
You can guess how that ended... ;)
Well.. we did an undead campaign today.. so we had a morgh, 2 ghouls, and a wight. I was a ghoul 3/barbarian 2.... We serve the same necromancer in a necropolise. And for fun, we went out to slaughter random villagers. As we are going through this farming community... i start slaying all the horses. And then ... after that, I kill every cow i see. And my character gains the title.. Cow Slayer.
Me- O.k. Thats ten cows in this barn I've Killed. Is a 24 good enough as a Survival check to skin the cow??
D.m. Yes, you skin the cow just fine.
Me- o.k. then.... i put the skin on... and ill make a disguise check.
----a little bit later....
D.m. You hear a noise comming from the other side of the building.
Me- MOOOOOOO......
D.m. Okay, thats a bluff check and an opposed sense motive check...
(my role... a 15. his role. a 3)
Jayne: I don't see the percentage in getting involved in other people's problems without an upfront price negotiated.
Book: These people need our help. The benefit may not be for you.
Jayne: That's what I'm saying.
[Zoe kills an enemy scout while Tracy is oblivious to it all.]
Tracy: Wow, I didn't hear you at all.
Zoe: The first rule of battle, little one: never let them know where you are.
Mal: Whoo-hoo! [blam, blam, blam] I'm right here! [blam, blam] Come and get me! [blam, blam, blam]
Zoe: 'Course there are other schools of thought.
Mal: They really hate it when you shoot at 'em. I worked that out myself.
Jayne: I got a stake in this job. Ten percent of nothing is..well, let me do the math here...Nothin', nothin', carry the nothin'...
A couple from one of my favorite shows (Firefly)
Zoë: Shepard, isn't the Bible kind of specific about killing?
Book: Very specific. It is, however, somewhat fuzzy around the area of kneecaps.
(Go, vow of peace, go!)
Jayne: Are you saying River's a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne, she's a witch. She's had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech?
Jayne: Don't see much point getting involved in other people's trouble's without an up front price negotiation.
Zoë: As I said, no one's forcing you to go, this job is purely speculative.
Jayne: Good, don't know these people don't care to.
Mal: They're *****s.
Jayne: I'm in.
(Also known as why NE people stay in parties.)
Mal: This is my first mate, Zoe. I'll introduce you to the rest later. They're good folk.
Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?
Mal: Well, that one's kind of horrific.
DM says we're facing a "non-Palatine plot to overthrow the Republic."
This happened while someone was trying to seduce my character to the dark side. (Well, he still is. The wonders of logging and OpenRPG.)
I'm Jaden.
Jade is the DM.
(1884) Jade: You feel motion immedealy over your face (your eyes are closed remember), and a strange warm sensation........
(1884) Jade: [1d20] -> [2] = (2)
(1884) Jade: The headache vanishes and the rest of your body hurts a lot less too, your still a little sore though.
(1883) Jaden: "What the...." Jaden opens her eyes.
(1884) Jade: You see an old human with white hair (60 to 70) wearing robes like you. He has a lightsaber clipped to his belt and the same hawk-like racial features the assasin had. He is just withdrawing his hand from over your face.
(1883) Jaden: (Hawk-like?..... Is that Count Dooku?)
** (1884) Jade facepalms. **
(1884) Jade: Do you really think i'm that cheap?
(1883) Jaden: Well, the Count IS a non-Papaltine plot to overthrow the Republic.
(1884) Jade: Eh, true.
(1884) Jade: The recurrance of the facial features is just to indicate that these people are from the same planet, or at least, the same culture.
(1884) Jade: The guards had them, the assasin had them, he has them. the boy didn't have them.
(1883) Jaden: I'm just not sure what to be visualizing. And Jaden never saw the assassin.
(1884) Jade: Oh, that's right.
(1884) Jade: Picture a kind of.
(1884) Jade: ...
(1883) Jaden: Hawk-like... Maybe like Jengo Fett?
(1883) Jaden: No, he was more "pug"
(1884) Jade: Forweard swept gaze, and very pointed stare/glare, kind of drawn out.
(1884) Jade: The sort of face that can look really meanacing, but this man just looks old and wise.
(1883) Jaden: Like Dooku...
(1884) Jade: argh!
(1884) Jade: Not dooku! Not like Dooku!
(1883) Jaden: It IS the Count, isen't it?
** (1884) Jade beats head against wall. **
(1883) Jaden: You are so totally describing Dooku to me.
(1884) Jade: I am?
(1884) Jade: #$@#!
(1884) Jade: Fine, replace "White Hair" with "Bald". And he has a nose that's obviously been broken serveral times.
(1884) Jade: And......missing a tooth. His right incisor.
(1883) Jaden: .... So I'm looking at Jengo Fett's ugly grandfather?
(1884) Jade: AAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHHHH!
(1884) Jade: Are you doing this on purpose?
(1883) Jaden: It's just, you keep describing people that sound so much like the people I already know from Star Wars. :P
(1884) Jade: I swear, it's a conicidence.
(1883) Jaden: Stick with the Count Dooku look.
(1884) Jade: Ok, there is a reserblence to Count-Dooku, but there's clearly no family relation. It's just a conicidence.
Me:.... ok, *Rolls d6* You take 4 points of piercing damage
Player:
:OMG!DM The party approaches a door at the end of the hall.
Thief I check the door for traps.
Barbarian (my character with an 18/99 STR) This is taking too long. I kick in the door and throw in the dwarf.
Dwarf Fighter
Rest of the party :OMG!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A friend of mine told me a great story of his second character he played, again 1e. He was a human fighter. When he rolled the stats, they were rolling them up in order. He lucked out & had pretty good Str & Con scores. The rest of his stats were average....except for his Int. It was a 5. He decided to name the character Dain Bramage. I hope most of you can see the joke quicker than the party he played with. He said the DM was the only one that caught on to the joke in the name. To further exasperate the problem, he decided that the low Int didnt make him sound stupid, just do stupid things.
DM The party approaches the lair of the dragon.
The Party Lets sneak up & see if we can enter quietly.
Dain Charges in....Stand to mighty dragon, I Dain Bramage bring your doom.
The Party :OMG!
Some time later after alot of luck, the party manages to kill most of the minions & drag Dain out of the lair in a hasty retreat.
The Party Why did you blindly charge in & attack him?????!!!!
Dain Why not? I'm DAIN BRAMAGE.
My friend said that it took until 10th level & alot of crazy encounters like that until the party finally figured out the joke in his name....Dain Bramage = Brain Damage.
While looking for a very high powered and evil mage we get attacked be this blackguard who’s been bugging us for a LONG time now. We just finished killing the VERY evil and VERY annoying blackgaurd (there is a warlock, a rogue, a barbarian (me), a duelist, an arcane trickster and a firblog tribal protector. And everyone but me and the arcane trickster were very good oriented.
And we all just made spot checks the round before the blackguard.
DM(to the worlcock): You see a blur in the corner, and its your turn
Worlock: Ill dispel magic on the blur
DM: a pale man stands with purr black full plate appears. He has 4 children chained to his armor. They look half-dead.
Worlock: GUYS!!!!
DM(to the rogue): alright your up
rogue: ill charge up and quick draw and hit him (rolls damage)
DM: K, you get him in the neck and his wound closes up and one of the kids drop to the ground
... (To me) you’re up.Me: I heedlessly charge, how close are the kids to him?
DM: right next to him.... Wait, why?
Me: I hit the first kid and cleave till all the kids are dead, then i hit him. (Rolls hits and damage)
Room: :OMG!
DM: you kill the other kids and crit the mage and kill him
Room: :OMG!
Me: WHAT!! They were going to die anyway!
Room:
Me: they were suffering anyway, i was putting them out of there misery.
Room:
Me: FINE!!! Ill resurrect them! You happy?
At least we found it funny at the time.
The plot was that our characters (there were four of us) were joining in on an annual orc hunt, run by the elves who lived nearby. As it turns out, the orcs decided to bulk up their numbers and hunt us instead.
Our group, being level 1, ran for it, reaching a cabin in the woods. My rogue, for reasons even I don't know, decided to go all altruistic and hold off the orcs until the rest of the group barricaded the door and one of the windows. I was supposed to dive through the other one, but was killed before I could.
Enter my human fighter (character #2). He was oblivious to the hunt, despite being in the same forest. An old elf appeared, asked him to help some people in need, and promptly teleported my fighter into the cabin.
The other fighter in the group spun around and pointed his sword at me. Trying to be all action-hero cool, I grab the sword's blade.
Fighter: I pull the sword back
Me: I let go! Do I lose any fingers?
DM:
No.Me: Phew!
Me (in character): Hold on there, good man. I'm no orc. Now, where am I, and what are we doing?
Party and DM:
We were traveling north trying to find this dragon, and the paladin had done some random thing to be evil so he was now a worthless Ex-Paladin. Plus he was annoying as hell in-game. So the group one night decided to meet up in the fighters tent, while the dwarf paladin was sleeping in a tree.
Ranger: Im feed up with him
Wizard: Agreed
Party: Ditto
Ranger: Well what are we going to do about this
Wizard: Kill him?
Fighter: Ok this should be fun.
The next morning after the Dwarf fell out of the tree he still didnt wake up so we drew a forty foot circle around him, for sacrafical reasons.
DM: You wake up in a forty foot circle.
Dwarf: Whats going on here?
Wizard: *Steps into the cirlce* Well you serve us no purpose, and well i dont like these rations ive been eating lately.
Dwarf:
Well i (The Wizard) was the first to fight only to leave brcause i had really low hp. Then the fighter stepped in. While the fighter and the ex-paladin were fighting the ranger was felling left out and shoot the dwarf.
Dwarf: Who in the?!?!
Ranger: *Shrugs shoulders in innocence*
And forever after the 'You awake in a forty foot circle' has been a running joke in our play group.
Enemies: (stop talking)
Fighter: (to DM) Uhh.... I start making bird noises
DM: :OMG! you start chirpping like a bird
Diffrent group: The bard in the party just charmed a lady that he wanted to make love to but then had a better idea.
Bard: You see that small guy in the corner over there.
Lady: Yes
Bard: He's a little up tight so why don't you go losen him up
Party:
The little guy: Uhhh....
Well to us these were funny
Ogre: looks at fighter "What's up with him?"
other fighter: "He got stung by a bee."
Me: roll bluff against a sense motive
other fighter: *rolls* got a nat. 20
Me: *rolls a nat. 1*
Group: :OMG!
Ogre: shrugs and keeps working
DM (me): Alph sucessfully charges the hellish canine thrusting his sword deep into it's vitals. The hound squeals and whines when Alph the paladin pulls out his sword, now covered in firey red goop. The hound licks it's wounds, back leg's go limp, barley able to stand, growls.
Sorcerer: I put down my crossbow and walk over to it, hand stretch out to see if I can calm it.
DM:
umm, ok. You cautiously walk up to the beast. [OOC:] you provoke an attack of oppurtunity by doing this...(the rules go in one ear of my players and out the other.)Sorcerer: OK. "There, there beasty..."
DM: It breaths a cone of flames in your direction. You and alph now must make reflex saves.
Alph: 18 make it??
Sorcerer: 2.
DM: Alph lifts his shield, covering his face, dodging to the side. He suffers a bad sunburn on his ankle where the flame crept in. 4 damage. Lok, (the sorcerer) you freeze, seeing the flames coming, and take them head on. 8 damage to you.
Sorcerer:
[ooc] WHAT??? Oh my god! no way. You said it was squealing and it was hurt. I thought it was about to die... I thought...DM: [ooc]There you go. You thought. Nice playing, but hey, stuff happens. The damn hellhound was critticled first round and stabbed though it's vitals and had 1 hp left what is it supposed to do? sit there? Of course it will cry.
Sorcerer: THAT ISN'T FAIR! YOU SAID IT WAS SQUEALING!
Alph: I attempt to finish off the hellish beast. "MAY YOU BURN IN THE HELLS WHERE YOU CAME FROM FEIND!"
Allik the bard: Alph.. (rolls knowledge check.) the thing is from oh, i don't know... THE NINE HELLS!! oh, and it IS pretty hard to burn in the 9 hells when your immune to fire. :P
party:
Alph:
Good point there. *Rolls* 20! *Rolls* 20. *Rolls*11. DM: hmm, *compares AC and attacks.* seems you just barely instant killed the beast.
party:
only BARELY instant killing it?DM: heh... yea I guess. You cleave it's body in half, blood going everywhere, and get's all over you alph. You have so much fresh warm blood on your armor, you take a -1 to hide checks...
dm: as you kick open the door, your see an orc standing there, by the looks of him, he's been in there for weeks.
me: i throw a chunk of meet at him.
dm: ok, attack roll. (20) damage roll (10 damage). ok, the orc is now severly bleeding and has started eating the piece of meet. what now?
me: i charge at him!
dm: ok, you hit for 4 damage.
barbarian: i yell, cousin! its been awhile!
dm: the orc flips you off.
cleric: i charge him also.
dm: you hit for 4 damage.
monk: i charge at him as well and use my flurry of blows.
dm: you miss and end up on the ground.
orc: wraaggh!!
the orc attacks the monk and knocks him unconsius. we finally kill the orc 3 rounds later.
me: i take the orc and throw him in the well.
dm: a few seconds later you hear a splash
me: ok, now i backhand the monk to wake him up.
dm: you miss and end up hitting the cleric.
me: ok, i tie a rope around the monk and slide him into the well.
it finished off by the monk nearly drowning to death and me tossing in the dwarf cleric to help the monk.
was pretty funny at the time. ) We have been sent on a search and destroy mission, to kill a band of orcs and save the priest of a town in his cathedral. Our first contact with the group ends with the orc bleeding on the ground.Wizard: I say we kill it
Paladin: No! It's defenseless!
this sparks an argument and while they are distracted:
Me (to DM): I coup de grace the orc.
DM: Okay. You hear a wet thunk, and look to see the orc's head roll from its body.
Paladin:
:OMG! Me: What? Our mission is search and destroy.
Wizard:
The look on the paladin wannabe's face was truly priceless. Then he began talking about trying to sway the orcs to the side of good while we are standing waist deep in corpses they made, and then he begins trying to get us to waste healing potions on them, before beginning to make untrained heal checks. Next meeting, when he tries to save one of their lives, I'm going to punch him in the face IG.
Sorcerer: [to the rogue in our party] "Reif? Perhaps you would care to check the rear of the building, just in case Keygan..."
...and it is clear that he can barely keep a straight face...
"...makes a bolt for the door!"
In an online campaign we were doing the first Shackled City adventure. We (a rogue, a barbarian, a bard, and a sorcerer) were about to enter Keyghan Ghelve's shop following the trail of a major string of kidnappings in the city. Keyghan Ghelve is an NPC master gnome locksmith.
Sorcerer: [to the rogue in our party] "Reif? Perhaps you would care to check the rear of the building, just in case Keygan..."
...and it is clear that he can barely keep a straight face...
"...makes a bolt for the door!"
That sorcerer should be PUNished! :D
there is this Bard in our group and we came to an old wooden bridge in an old swamp when we met an old man.
Old man:"BEWARE"
Bard:"Beware?"
old man:"BEWARE"
Bard:"hey you old man i will tell you were to be out of my sight your disgusting"
In this particular melee, I had just acquired an invisibility ring. I'd also taken a bad step and was prone. We were surrounded by guards and a priest nearby started chanting a spell. Being a mundane, I had no idea what the heck it was, but it had to be bad news.
So, I'm not ready for combat, but no one knows I'm there. What have I got to lose?
"SILENCE, INFIDEL!!"
. . . Natural 20 + 10 skill = 30 Bluff check.
You know how the Player's Handbook describes that "way out there" bluff? Think "voice of angry god" qualifies? :D
Elephant steak? That's nothing. We have a cook in the party who has fed dragon steak to the dead dragon's wyrmling, collected bits of black pudding for culinary experiments, taken levels in a prestige class that lets him summon ice cream, and thought making an undead salad was a good idea. (The salad ran away - it took four people to catch it - and knocked several taste-testers out. Tanavir, another PC, kept a zombie rutabaga as a pet.) The party has had to declare that outsiders (especially fiends), oozes, undead, and anything else particularly disgusting are not fit for party consumption. Anything else goes into the nightly stew pot.
I haven't been keeping the quote list for a while, but here is a sample:
"This is why you don't pray to a feline hallucinogenic plant! Mr. Downybutt might actually do something for us." - Vriatha, referring to Tyrande the tiger-woman's prayers to Nip. In this setting, the only gods are Bana and the Tua (her twin brothers), and prayers to them might be answered. Despite having personally experienced the power of Bana, Tyrande is faithful to Nip. Mr. Downybutt is Tanavir's pet (imaginary) invisible undead ethereal marauder.
note that this was an half-elf lycantrophe planning to eat the elephant ALONE
Gnome Sorceror, on the Ogre standing in front of him, after leaping around a corner to torch some orcs: "I though that was a WALL!" followed by wet squishing noises, with the cracking of bones.
NPC: "Do they have a plan?"
PC: "Probably..."
Same player, while trying to infiltrate a Hobgoblin outpost (and failing miserably), after being asked what was going on by another party member when sounds of combat started coming up from below...
"All I know is, I've got a Dwarf on a rope."
semi-SPOILER (if you read the web enhancement):
I had jumped down the hole into a pit trap covered by a tilting floor (and was still missing since I was failing my climb checks). So they tied a rope around the Dwarf to let him down the hole gently. About halfway down, the Hobgoblins had started attacking the Dwarf...
halfling rogue: aren't this supposed to be the "forgotten" realms?
Me: yes, why's that?
HR: well, I think we've just found it so it's no longer forgotten is it?
Me. what is it then?
HR (in a proud voice) I hereby proclaim it as the "found" realms!
scout: what was that?
Me: I... I... missed
drow monk: looks like you hit to me :D
suffice to say, I think according to normal rules, the dwarf was dead (x3 critical, max damage, totalling over 40 damage). Somehow, he survived, and remained very much unconcious. With nothing better to do, I put it in my empty sack, and carried his relatively light weight for the remainder of the hike. For a while, there were the occasional dwarfinasack jokes, but they passed. Later in the mission, the party's crazy rogue stoll the dwarfinasack, and hid it in the ranger's 'Hewards handy Haversack'. Since you only pull out of the sack what you know is in it, the ranger has no idea that a rotting dwarf corpse is in his bag. What a great party I have.
...Dwarfinasack :P
The party was escorting a lower-level mage to a tower.
LE Rogue: We should charge for this body-guarding service, or abandon him here.
N Warmage: Good point. We need compensation.
N Druid: Yeah, that's not a bad idea?
LG Fighter: WHAT!!??!! You guys are so mean!!! I would escort the WHOLE TOWN for FREE!!!!!
Druid: (Whispering) Should I baleful polymorph her?
Rogue: I bet you could just get her to give you her +1 Axiomatic Frost Great Axe to sell.
"Wait a minute... Tethyr? Amn? Cormyr?!?! We're not in the Old Wolrd, are we?"
"Right, add Int modifier to search"
"I get a plus 6"
"No, thats Initiative, add Intilligence"
"I'm no used to having Intelligence"
And another game with my regular group, an evil campaign.
"I Whirlwind attack *rolls, followed by 9 deaths* Using my free action, I scream bloody warcires, and shout at the survivors to flee while they can"
"Right, after all your kills, I'll give you a plus 9 to your intimidate"
*nat.20 followed by my total +18*
"They ALL RUN!!!!"
"Screw it, I chase them down and kill them"
So, after my little soliliquay, we could have won it with very little effort, however me chasing them down once again started the fight, which nearly killed us (fighting a cadre of wizards)
"I need new dice. Oh our anniversary is coming up. What's five years? Oh it's DICE yea!!"
-- My Wife
DM: Sitting in the corner is a rat with matted fur and several sores, hissing and squaking in indignation at the two of you.
Treestomper: Yaay! Mr. Scuffles!
Later, the monk drove the rat away (neither of them slept for a couple days for fear of the rat). So I had another rat appear, this time a friendlier Dire Rat.
Treestomper: Mrs. Scuffles! Want some food for Mr Scuffles?
The hafling treated the rat like a favorite pet, but never got close to it. The monk, whenever either rat got close to him, ran screaming around the cell until it retreated to the corner.
DM: Inside the chest, you find a hundred platinum pieces.
Me: Hey, look, everybody! Fifty platinum pieces!
Fortunately for me, everyone knew I was joking. :D
DM:He fires an arrow at you *points to me*
Me:oohh, roll...
DM:He hits, it goes through a very vital part and does... 23 points of damage
Me:OW! He is so, so very dead *rolls attack, damage, and critical confirmation*
DM:Yes, yes he is.
Backstory, we're in a Citadel of Light, whatever the hell that is, and we're in the dwarven barracks.
Me:I bet my wooden cat *Respect to Ceres big DM Wrath List*
DM:Okay, you lose...
Me:But... but... but thats my cat... Fine, if I can't have him, NOONE WILL!
DM:Okay...
*Later*
Me:Yep, my sword does this, "Entaro" (Flaming Longsword, fwoosh)
DM: (Dwarf)Hey, I got a trick for that. *Sprays mouthful of Mead into flame, blinding me*
Me:AARRGGHH!! I'm blind! *punch, drops the dwarf*
Cortyr(Mage):Free For All! *Casts Fireball*
Me: I lob a small furry animal at the dragon.
DM: :OMG!
(I was using a grey bag of tricks)
Fighter1: Cast magic missile, so you can target lots of them!!!
Fighter2: NO! Cast wall of force!!
Barbarian: NO! Cast fly on me!!
Wizard: Shut Up! You're going to break my concentration!!
DM: make a concentration check...
Wizard: F***! (fails check, nat. 1. Fireball explodes at his feet)
Barbarian: Told you to cast fly.....
*barbarian uses secretary as a ram to open the next door*
Wizard: "He's getting stupider by the minute. Feeblemind would make him smarter!"
newbie cleric's player: "The undead is helpless? I tie it up, then I use my cure light wounds spell to wake it, then we can interrogate it"
Me: "We went through 4 Adams before we figured that out"
If you can figure out the reference you'll get a
newbie cleric's player: "The undead is helpless? I tie it up, then I use my cure light wounds spell to wake it, then we can interrogate it"
Me: "We went through 4 Adams before we figured that out"
If you can figure out the reference you'll get a
Dogma: Line said by the Metaron referring to the problems caused by the voice of God.
I'll have my cookie now please.
"You hear a metalic sound hitting wood"
Wizard:I think the 2 of them must be getting close, Gambit is trying to climb down.
I said, "You hear it again..."
Wizard: Yep, definitely a Gambit is returning!
As they are on their way out, the ranger rolled poorly and fell, first time he's done that, the Wizard sticks his head down the hole and says, "great, you pulled a GAMBIT!!"
That's the party's saying now when anyone else falls: You pulled a Gambit!
Cam
On Friday, the party I DM was going through a ruined keep...there were a lot of areas that they had to use rope and such to climb. The cleric, his name is Gambit, he falls ALL the time...they're only 4th level, so they don't have slippers of spider climb yet...and the only time he doesn't fall, is when he's had "spider climb" casted on him, but it does wear off...so happens, it had and the party had gotten down to the bottom of the keep, when they found out that they had to return to the top to have the cleric cast "bless" and light a candle...so being in a "hurry", just him and the ranger head back...of course, the full armored cleric falls 3 times going back up...and on the way back down, he falls 4 more times...on the 2nd to last one, they were pretty close to the rest of the group and I had them make a listen check...they succeded and I tell them:
"You hear a metalic sound hitting wood"
Wizard:I think the 2 of them must be getting close, Gambit is trying to climb down.
I said, "You hear it again..."
Wizard: Yep, definitely a Gambit is returning!
As they are on their way out, the ranger rolled poorly and fell, first time he's done that, the Wizard sticks his head down the hole and says, "great, you pulled a GAMBIT!!"
That's the party's saying now when anyone else falls: You pulled a Gambit!
Cam
And this, boys and girls, is why half the people in my party have the words 'Take 10' scrawled on the covers of their character sheet.
Me (Astral Deva): I use my spell like Detect Evil and sweep the area
DM: ...The rock is evil
Me: How evil?
DM: ...Very evil
Me: I call the rest of the party and climb on the rock and use my spell like Dispel Evil
DM: ::cries::
And this, boys and girls, is why half the people in my party have the words 'Take 10' scrawled on the covers of their character sheet.
They're young and still learning...I've "hinted", but I won't give away "how".
If they asked, then I would tell them, but they have the players handbook(s) and until they say something, I'll watch him fall...over and over and over... :evillaughParty finds death party member (male halforc) in their room
Me: As you enter the room you see Thog lieing on the ground in a pool of blood, he doesn't seem to be alive anymore...
Druid (female player): Maybe it's just his time of the month...
Me: ...
After stepping into a back alley and a band of thugs step out to attack:
"Hmm...nine of you, one of me, that's just not fair. I shall have to fight you with one hand behind my back"
When the party was ambushed in the forest and ends up surrounded by orcs, the cleric asks "Any plans?", i reply "Commence boot to **** procedures"
And when the nasty vampire cleric chap dominates me and has me attack the party, they manage to eventually subdue me after quite an impressive fight in which I got the party's other fighter down to negative HPs, when i eventually came to the cleric said "You're lucky you didn;t kill the fighter", I replied "You're lucky i was holding back"
Warlock -- Awww, look. You have a snowflake tattooed on your head.
Half-Orc (annoyed) -- Please don't say that.
Warlock -- I know! I'll call you snowflake!
Half-orc -- draws his great axe as the dwarf rushes to stop him.
Warlock -- You're so cute when you're angry!
1 -- You're having d4-1 kids!
2 -- They're going to be chaotic good, chaotic neutral, and chaotic evil!
my freind the drow wizard from some random city noeenzobaranzen leaves us with my personal favorite
Interogatied n a zone of truth
Guard: are you from Menzobaranzen
drow wizard: What the hell is a Menzobaranzen?
then to the party you screw this i can just teleport us out of here to thay. by the way whats a thay
the party: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!
DM: OK, those of you who failed your saves take 204 damage
Cleric: Ok, that means I only took 102... crap I'm dead
Me: well, I'm dead. AGAIN! ::gets up, stalks to room and slams door"
Party: wow he's ******. Well you did kill his character for the fourth time
Me: ::opens door stalks out:: ...Forgot my book ::Stalks back to room, slams door::
Rules Lawyer: Hey! You guys we aren't dead ::procedes to bore us to tears untill the Dm gives up::
RL: So you see, only the Cleric is dead!
I thought both my reaction and the result of the RL were great
The party are trying to convince a group of merchants to let them into an underground vault. The vault is jointly owned by all the merchants, so we need all their permission to enter. Most of them give permission with little hassle, but a group of gnome gemcutters are being very stubborn. The party spokesman, a human bard/fighter/red dragon disciple (me) is doing the talking. This is just the end of about 10 minutes of arguments.
Dragon disciple: So there's no way you'll let us in, no matter what?
Gnome: Nope, no matter what. Not unless you make it worth my while, at any rate. *Starts tapping a diamond on the table*
DD:
I'm not bribing you. Especially not with gems.Gnome: then you're not getting in. Simple as that.
DD:
Grrrrrrr..... *storms out of the room, quickly followed by the rest of the party*Outside...
Party ranger: Why didn't you bribe them? It's not like we don't have a lot of gems?
Party cleric: Yeah, the last time we divided up the loot you specifically asked for all the gems, didn't you? It's not like you can't spare one, right?
DD:
Well... you see... it's the principle of the matter...Ranger: Oh, I get it! You're hoarding them!
DD: Am not!
Cleric: You're part dragon, of course you are!
Ranger: I bet you eat gems and sleep on gems, you probably even s
t gems! Go back and st on the gnome's desk!Same party, sometime later. We had recently been joined by a new player and his half-copper dragon fighter. We had found a magical deck of cards, and after much debate figured out it was probably a deck of many things. Several good and bad things happened then, but the half-dragon's draws were by far the funniest.
DM: *shuffles deck of cards, offers them to half-dragon's player* how many cards are you going to take?
Half-Dragon: Two *takes two cards*
DM: Ok... your first card is... *looks in DMG* all your non-magical equipment disappears.
HD:
ALL of it? That just leaves me with... *starts crossing things off of his character sheet* a handful of gold pieces and a masterwork longsword!DM: Huh? What? ...No, your non-magical gear!
HD: Phew, that's alright then. So what does my second card do?
DM: ...All your magical gear disappears.
HD: :OMG!
rogue: when you caught me i did steal someting from you...
Dm: he stole your heart
same rogue
rogue: so were in this field right? can i use spot?
dm: yeah
rogue: i see an orc camp in front of me , lets...
me: no the dm says that.
rogue: oh...
DM: you guys leave the forest
rogue: i search... 14
DM: you find the edge of the forest
he had a bad habit of wanting to search everywhere, like huge fields and forests and such, while we were trying to walk down a path to a town
you guys enter a dilapidated town, everyone apperas to be umm...slummish
rogue: i search
me: no... you dont search....
i guess you had to be there
"I've been savaged by a Moogle!
"Now that set us off laughing like crazy. :D
(If you don't know what the heck I'm talking about, google the moogle.)
Sets his spear, then tackles the bloody thing and beats it into unconsciousness with his bare hands. We then spent the next 10 years (in game) just waiting for it to grow a little and we could train it like an uber-dog.
DM (me): Alright, as you step among the rocks, a polar bear rears up before you. It looks p***ed.
Druid: It's probably just hungry, but we have no food to spare, so I'll intimidate it into running away.
Party:
Druid: *rolls* 4.
DM: The bear charges you. In a valiant attempt at saving your dumb***, the orc jumps in between you and the bear, and *rolls* hits it, dealing *rolls* a fair amount of damage. It counter attacks *rolls crit* and crushes his shoulder. He is now prone on the ground. Roll initiative.
Everyone: *rolls init, orc wins*
DM: The orc, in extreme pain, attacks the bear and *rolls* kills it.
Druid: You stupid orc, it just wanted to be friends! *kicks him and stomps off*
DM: Alright paladin, what do you do?
Paladin: I'll leave him.
DM: What?! You're a paladin.
Paladin: And he's an orc. I leave him.
DM: You are no longer lawful good.
Paladin: WTF?!?!?
Dwarf has the upper hand, gaining hit after hit as the elf keeps missing. Finally, the elf gets one hit in...
DM: The dwarf simply explodes.
Everyone:
Turns out the dwarf contracted lycanthropy...
A duel between an elf, and a dwarven barbarian.
Dwarf has the upper hand, gaining hit after hit as the elf keeps missing. Finally, the elf gets one hit in...
DM: The dwarf simply explodes.
Everyone:
Turns out the dwarf contracted lycanthropy...
I don't get it...
NPC: "May you live in interesting pants!"
Paladin: "Very strange. I wonder what's happened to him."
Monk: "Pants!? What manner of innuendo is that!?"
Paladin: Tries not to laugh then shakes his head.
Paladin: "He's obviously suffering from some kind of insanity."
Monk: She grumbles, more than willing to silence him.
Kobald PC: Umbweilaluinti !Kjunk-!Junk.
DM: Alright, your name is Jak-Jak.
Kobald PC: No, my name is Umbweilauniunti !Kjunk-!Junk
DM: Alright, your name is now Scaly-Butt.
Kobald PC: Jak-Jak is fine.
Mage: I cast magic missile at the darkness!
DM: ok the orcs are almost up the hill to your defenses and the archers are barely making a dent in their ranks.
Me: quick Rufus (monk) make me mad!
Monk: what? we dont have time for this start blasting stuff with fire!
Me: no, you dont understand if you make me mad ill be able to stop them!
Monk: *turns away and ignores me*
DM: you got about one minute before you're gonna be facing a few thousand angry orcs....
Me:....I hit my self in the ba**ls
Everyone else: :OMG!
the end result was that i hit my self in the junk and unleashed firey death upon the orcs....the worst part was the fact that i would up scoring a critical on myself and lost hp and i had to talk in a high pitched voice for the next two sessions. now everytime we face any bad guys i tell them "dont make be hit myself in the ba**ls
Paladin: "Well lets see what work there is around here for us."
Barbarian: "I suppose... Can't teach you how to use a REAL sword until you've got some more combat experience anyhow..."
Paladin: "I like to think of myself as fairly expeirnced."
Barbarian: "Most men do."
My friend and I were talking about options for his half-dragon warmage/blaze witch. I mentioned the dragon mystic class, which (as one of the prerequisites) must eat 5000 GP worth of diamonds. So he said, "'Must eat 5000 gp worth of diamonds? Breakfast of champions, I guess."
Now why would I want to waste a "Raise Dead" spell component just for that?!?!
DM: I love these pregenerated NPCs. They let me pull NPCs out of my butt.
Me: The DM has a Butt of Holding.
Me: Come on, that sounds like my friend's in trouble.
New guy: Wait, I'll need my stuff back if you want me to help. It's this way... (points in other direction)
Me: No time for that! Come on!
New guy: No way; I can't fight 'til I get my stuff back.
Me:
Fine, see you later, I hope. (start to leave)New guy: Wait! I can't see in the dark; let me have your lamp.
Me:
And how will I see?!? Here, take my flint and steel and light a torch. Good luck! (leaves)DM: (to new guy's player) Make a Search...
Player: Argh! Rolled a one!
DM: *sigh* Make an INT save...
Player: Totals three, guess I failed.
DM: You can't find a torch, and you keep hitting your head on things sticking out of the wall. They feel like wood...
New guy: (grumbling to self) Great, I'm never gonna find a torch... OW! There's a stick in the wall! Wtf?! grumble, grumble... OW! there's another one! Seems like there's one every ten feet or so! What is this, some kind of torture device? And where are the
torches?Rest of group:
DM: Ok, the huge stone doors behind you and you hear a trickling sound.Suddenly you notice blood seeping from the edges of the room forming pools..
Wizard: I disbelieve.
DM:Don't bother making a check, it's clearly rea-
Paladin: Uh yeah..me too
Rogue: And me, don't forget I've evasion and trapsense!
DM: those abilities have nothing to do with-
Fighter: What?! what's going on, are we being attacked?
Wizard
to fighter) Roll the d20 to see if you make itDM: Stop! don't roll anything, for god's sake it's clearly not an illusion and the bloods over your boots now!
Paladin: I'm not so sure, I'll taste the blood.
Rogue: Eew, get away from me you sicko! what are you, a vampire?!
Wizard (who is a hardcore roleplayer): Judging from your character's actions, you wouldn't even think of doing that, in fact you would be averse to it.
Paladin: Okay okay, I don't taste the blood.
DM: will you guys shut up! (takes a swig of water and checks notes) A ghastly apparition forms in the center of the room, your blood chills and you feel a growing fear in-
Wizard (overdoing it on the RPing as usual): My character's not afraid
DM: Yes he is
Wizard: It clearly states in my character's background that he underwent terrible trials in the towers of high sorcery, he's gone through worse things than this pansy.
DM: well he's afraid now
Rogue: I can look up the intimidate skill if you want
DM: No thanks gordo, I've got this all planned out-
Fighter: whuh..Ahah! I fire my bow at him
DM: But the ghost's not done talk-
Fighter: Do I hit?
Wizard: crap it's a ghost, who's got the highest will?
DM: I didn't mean that it was a real ghost, anyway the arrow goes through him
Fighter: But I haven't rolled yet
DM: what? fine, make an attack roll.
Fighter: okay then
DM: (dice barely hits table) you miss
Fighter: I've got improved rapid shot and manyshot so that's five more attacks.
DM: (takes a deep breath and sighs) okay roll em'
Fighter: (makes a praying motion and throws the dice)
DM: you miss, you miss, you miss, you miss, and ooh so close but.. you miss.
Fighter: I was close? damn...wait" I've got the class feature that lets me reroll a check once per day!
DM: Hold on! I was only joking, you couldn't possibly-
Fighter: Whatever, I'm using my feature!
DM: But you can only use it once per day, are you sure you want to do that?
Fighter: Yeah, yeah I'll do it anyway (rolls)
DM: aand.. you miss.
Fighter: Damn it! When's it my turn again?
DM: (pauses and wipes the sweat from his brow)......only joking you hit.
Fighter: hah! (rolls damage) that's ten points of damage!
DM: okay, his abilities knock eight points off for a total of..two points.
Rogue: But ghosts don't have damage reduction!
DM: for the last time! It's not a rogue!
Rogue: Fine fine, by the way did you roll the percentile dice for incorporeal miss chance?
DM: (grinds teeth) let me just do that..
Paladin: I'm making a turn check!
Wizard: I'm making a knowledge arcana check to see if i remember anything about ghosts from my studies at the tower...
(this goes on for about an hour before the ghost is able to finish speaking)
Cleric: Does anyone want this longblow?
Ranger: Is that different from a shortblow?
Rest of party:
Again, the wizard comeing up with a good paln, levitate and shoot arrows, but forgets to buy more arrows.
The druid turning into a bear and looking for a female in heat.
Player 1: I throw some baking soda on it.
Player 2: I build a volcano around it.
Player 3: I add red food coloring, to look like lava.
Player 2: We go to the science fair.
(this goes on for about an hour before the ghost is able to finish speaking)
I think the real question is, did it even start talking? :D
This sort of thing happens all the time in our game:
[...]
(this goes on for about an hour before the ghost is able to finish speaking)
Funniest thing in this entire thread!
My group was fighting Draconian, some Baaz and some Kapaks. One of the Kapaks was killed and turned into a puddle of acid, right on their magical cart. So the party was worried about the acid destroying there magical cart.
Player 1: I throw some baking soda on it.
Player 2: I build a volcano around it.
Player 3: I add red food coloring, to look like lava.
Player 2: We go to the science fair.
i disagree, i think this is the funniest... although that does happen with our group more than often also.
DM: the villagers are really happy that the elemental took over he has been saving them from the merchants who steal from them
me: ok
DM: also he has been kind and fair
me: oh no
DM: because of his magic his magic the crops have been bountiful and fair, in fact the villager goes on for a while about how they would have starved if not for him
me: for the love of
DM: also the elemental is raising an army to liberate surrounding areas from evil villanous lords who are oppresing their people
Me: (beats head against table) %*^*&^)*^ $@#$#@#%$
(the DM watches for awhile)
Dm: (sighing) you do know the merchants are evil greed slavers right
me: well yeah but....but....I didn't think they were that evil
Dm: slavers
I think the real question is, did it even start talking? :D
Heh, frankly...no. Our paladin turned it's ass :evillaugh
To be honest, they were right as the two spellcasters approached from the other side, but the orcs didn't know that....
My halfling saw a dwarf walks in to the inn:
Halflinf: Elf****er
Dwarf: Hey! WHO SAID THAT!
"If I remember right" My companions points under table where im hiding and the dwarfs attacks, I almost died there.
Ohh and I one's called a god a freak, in his onw realm in an other rpg than DnD, Well, He was a water god and he didnt like me whispering, "look a freak!" to my only companion by that time.
After drinking 5 rounds of honeymead
DM: *rolls dice* Alright you both are not drunk yet
After 5 drinks of a stronger drink
DM: *rolls dice* Wow still not drunk. You just have a little blurry vision.
After 5 rounds of a much stronger drink
DM: *rolls dice* You both get really loaded off these drinks but are still sitting on your chair.
Crowd: Barkeep we need a much more stronger drink.
Barkeep: What do you mean they are not down yet?
After 3 drinks of Dwarven Spirits
DM: *rolls dice* Holysh*t you guys are really drunk.
Us: How drunk are we talking about?
DM:The crowd brings you the drinks puts it in your hand and leads it to your mouth drunk.
Us: Oh.... thats really drunk.
Crowd: we need stroger drinks!!!
Barkeep:
ummm... let me go to the back and see what we have. DM: He pulls out a red bottle poors them in a shot glass and gives them to you and when you drink it, its like fire going down your throat. *rolls dice* okay you *points to me* fall down drunk followed immediately follwed by the dwarf. So you lose first.
Next morning
DM: You wake your in your bed covered in vomit with a splitting headache.
ME: I stumble downstairs to see how much i owe for the drinks.
DM: You get to the stairs and get halfway down the stairs when the dwarf comes around *rolls dice* falling down the stairs, *rolls dice* taking you down with him.
Me: Get up and walk to the barkeep and ask about the tab.
Barkeep: Well lets see you drunk my most expensive and powerful drink but when you add all of it up your tab comes to 478 gold. But the good news is you two broke the old record of 13.
Me: I pay him. then ask for a bath.
So i got into a bath and clean up and when i leave the room our pirate in our group walks into the room with saying to me as he walks in. "Couldnt you wait for me, now i have to pay for myself. and when he walks in you can hear from the bottom of the inn "WHAT THE F***, HOW IN THE WORLD DID HE DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Cows are not evil!"
Nei
when they killed a foe they started to go 'wacky wacky ahhhhh'
then another player says 'i cant reach for wacky wacky, can you wacky wacky for me?'
then they realized how bad they sounded....
the bribes they offered for me NOT to post this was not enough :evillaugh
DM: Roll a reflex save.
Me: What for? Oh well, at least it can't explode or anything.
DM: Ehh....whats your roll...
Me: 23...
DM: Uh...you fail.
Me: Oh for the love of god!!
Seems that barghest had been lugging around some alchemist fires and they ignited and exploded. Not only was I caught in the blast, but some of the oil splashed on me and was now on fire. Also, shards of the containers had done a number on my face. I'm down to about two HP and start rolling on the ground trying to put it out. I quickly pass out due to burns and blood loss. Ferrin (the Dwarf Cleric) casts protection from elements on me and just lets it burn itself out...
What made me angry was that I failed the save by 1...
The setting: a room with six gamers, five of whom had a combined 125 years' gaming experience.
On character creation for what he thought was a one-shot adventure, a player, relatively new to gaming:
"I'm not going to maximize this character because this is a one-shot and I don't need to. I'll do that for a longer game."
The Monk: Bah, who needs magic!
The Cleric: You? Magic?
The Monk: magic is for weaklings.
My Dwarf: Bah,
The cleric: Well, show some then!
My Dwarf: I said it was powerful, I have to learn to cast it first,
Spellgifted dwarf :D
My Dwarf: Damn monk....
THe Monk: Be silent or I cut your beard
My Dwarf: Bah............what did you say?!
What do you think about this?
today my players started talking shorthand for when they hit. the term they started to use was 'wacky wacky'.
when they killed a foe they started to go 'wacky wacky ahhhhh'
then another player says 'i cant reach for wacky wacky, can you wacky wacky for me?'
then they realized how bad they sounded....
the bribes they offered for me NOT to post this was not enough :evillaugh
Especially the "another player"....
2ed game, I had a Gnomish Cleric/Rogue with the Magic domain we were using Players Option so he had 25 Muscle. Our party was camping out in the woods, when a bunch of Orcs jumped us. Firble (me) snuck into the surrounding woods as the mage and fighter held their attention. Suddenly, the Orc leader explodes. I had back-attacked him for more than five times his hps. His archers all failed their morale saves and began to cower. We tied them up, and Firble decided that they smelled bad, and would need a bath before the interrogation. So, I grabbed the first Orc, and jammed our Urn of Endless Water over its head. Needless to say it drowned fairly quickly, and the other Orcs were so afraid of this 3 1/2 foot bald PC that they babbled out everything they knew, and the fighter then mercifully executed them. Man, I loved that gnome
He pulled that challenge thing later in the game when our group was in a besieged city. In a knock-down-drag-out fight he kills their leader and drags hi body back to camp. This demoralized their troops so much they all died in the huge battle.
I had a large force of Airborne paladins on griffin mounts and we got orders to go and try to take control of the castle since we were the fastest and we did but there were way to many to fight they fought us all the way to the top level(84th floor) and the others had still not gotten here yet so i ordered the retreat. we flew back to the rest of the army and reported that the enemy had the castle. we camped that night and before daybreak we would attack we used assissins and such to infiltrate the compound and before we knew it it was a Raging battle with siege weapons, Large creatures, Mindblowing magic and it was enough to make even a seasoned player sweat. At the end of the battle we had lost tons and were lossing all the pcs were fighting enemy bosses and when it came down to my turn everybody was depending on me and right at the everything or nothing blow was about to happed (you have to remember it was very tense) my little brother ran into the room and yelled "I shot a bird with my bb gun!!! come look its awsome!!"
The party is assembled around a mysterious door to some sort of underground chamber in the forest. Engravings suggest something about an ancient elven king. Melinda, the warlock uses detect magic and detects some form of evocation magic.
PC (I forget which one): Careful, evocation usually isn't very friendly.
Eldon (Halfling cleric): Oh it can be quite friendly, depending which end of it you're on.
A moment later...
Melinda (human warlock): I make a use magic device check on the door.
Everybody else (one after another): I step really far back.
Melinda gets zapped by what appears to be a shocking grasp trap that seems to reset itself. Discussion continues on how to get past this and my character, Thavain (elven cleric) looks at Delmozen (Melinda's dwarven fighter cohort).
Thavain: Maybe somebody should just yank it open then we can heal them afterwards. *looks at Delmozen* You look tough enough, how about you do it?
Delmozen: Okay.
I really didn't expect him to agree so quickly. But then again, I guess if you compliment a dwarf on looking tough, it goes to their head.
In response to this plan, another player (I forget who) says "Go team cleric!" It should be noted that our nine member (including the cohort) group includes three clerics, a mystic theurge, a druid, and a bard. So two thirds of the characters present are capable of casting healing magic.
Bofur, our dwarven rogue, convinced Delmozen that he should wait until he took a crack at it with his rogue skills. One really low roll later...
DM: So, which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?
Bofur: The bad.
DM: Well, the bad news is that you set off both traps. The good news is that you found a new trap!
He got shocked, and also triggered a ghoul touch trap, failing his fortitude save. He's now singed, paralyzed, and emitting a foul odor. After some more discussion, I am suddenly reminded that I have dispel magic prepared and attempt to dispel the effects, at least long enough for us to get in, but roll dismally.
DM: You attempt to force your will onto the spells in place, but the enchantment proves too strong for you at this time.
Thavain: I have a headache. It must be the smell. It's all the dwarf's fault.
A great thing about playing an elf, you have a ready made excuse: blame it on the dwarf. Unless you personally manage to do something spectacularly stupid and with a little creative reasoning, you usually can blame it on the dwarf.
My party of characters rides into a small village. The guard stops them and asks what brings them to their simple village
let me just describe these pc's: 6 of them about level 7, quite well off compared to average wealth. The fighter is in gleaming plate mail (as well as slinging a halberd over her back that constant crackles with electricity), as is the cleric. All six of them are riding the finest elven warhorses gold can buy. I believe one of them even had hired a village boy a few towns back to carry his torches. The clerics response to the guard: "forgive us, we are but simple "
*party walks into a dragon lair, fully prepared for a possible fight (immunity to various energy forms) and carrying heavy weapons and armor. We have come to seek its council, but we have had bad experiences with dragons before*
Me: "We have come not to kill you, but to..."
Barbarian: "Die!!!" *draws his axe*
Me: "Don't mind him, I shall distract him"
*casts minor image*
Barbarian: "Argh! There's two of them! Run!"
Me: "Appearantly, we came to ridicule him. Anyway..."
Oh, and before you ask; I had illusion magic prepared for no good reason. It just seemed to be the right thing at the moment
Don't know why.Arcificier: "We are pushing keys inside. All at the same time."
DM: "How? Slowly, or quickly?"
Wizard: "Quickly and run awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!"
Our DM had a daughter not to long ago and she often sits in on the games perched on daddy's lap. When this happened she had pretty much mastered walking and was just starting to talk, she couldn't have been more than 2 at the time. Well, one night she walks in to the room and dad picks her up and sets her on his lap and with perfect timing to the action of the game, though I'm sure it was a coincidence, she lets out a perfect BBEG laugh. I mean it was one of those BWAAHAHAHA's. What was so creepy about it though was that it was something truly evil sounding but delivered in a cute little 2 year old's voice.
One thing..and only one thing to say. DM in training.
We were playing a tweaked Ravenloft campaign and were in the process of hunting down information on an NPC who had helped us but we suspected had been cursed (one of the larger plot hook and a lesser BBEG type). By the way, the curse turned him into a huge killer beast, think the Hulk, only not green and not nice at all. Well, he ambushes us in town, after having put him to sleep and stolen a diairy from him that held lots of useful info on the original incident. Needless to say, the town guard caught us all and locked us up, my ranger and the cleric shared a 10x10 cell, and next to us the Expert (custom class for the campaign) and the guy shared the other.
Ranger(me): We're telling you that this guy is the Gorlok, but even he dosen't know it, such is the nature of the curse
Cleric: I can prove it to you *casts spell that forces a lycanthrope to change*
*BTW we're thinking, the cleric included, that it's like a quick change/change back spell that will reveal him*
DM: so, what exactly does the spell do *it being in a new book we weren't really familiar with*
Cleric: OOC 'umm, it.... yada yada yada ohhh, that's not good, it makes them change but moving the beam of the spell dosen't make them change back'
Expert: OOC WHAT!!!
So the DM starts to describe what happens with a grim smile, and the guy playing the expert is going nuts as he is now trapped in a 10x10 room with a large creature who has massive ( in the 30s or 40s) strength and damage reduction we can't get through and fast healing. (and we had no weapons)
At this point, the guy playing the cleric is apoligizing like mad and all the while he's laughing so hard he falls out of his chair, and I'm doing pretty much the same thing.
You could hear us chuckling all night from that one.
The players had just "killed" one of them.
Me (DM): As you strike the final blow, the creature becomes a beautiful elf, just before it falls to the ground.
Cleric: It must have been under a polymorph spell or something?
Sorcerer: (OOC) Do we still get XP?
Me: (Ignoring sorcerer's OOC) She moans softly, and you see that your swords have inflicted greivous wounds on her fragile form.
Cleric: I'll heal her...
Sorcerer: (louder) We get XP for this, right?
Cleric: I guess I cast Cure Serious Wounds.
Me: (Still ignoring sorcerer) Okay, her wounds begin to heal, but she's still unconcious.
Sorcerer: KILL IT QUICK BEFORE IT WAKES UP!!!!!!
Cleric:
Rogue: (Having been looting the temple earlier) Okay, Arimada, calm down. Ok, I pull out my composite crossbow!
Me:
:surrenderIt's much funnier if you've been up for 24 hours straight or more...
He gave her talisman of dimension door, and then they quickly formed a plan.
Directly across from her cell, was an "unnamed horror" (turned out to be from the Far Realms, when I asked afterwards) sealed in by virtue of a disintegration field.
The convo went like this:
Erisia(imprisoned friend):If you can get some weapon that absorbs spells, we can free that thing and create a distraction for my escape!
Me, OOC: I just sundered that spell-storing axe, didn't I....
The axe came from Falco's nemesis, who he had just defeated in combat. It seemed correct for Falco to destroy his enemies weapon, adding more insult to injury. Silly me.
Of course, never doubt the ingenuity of Dwarves. Calling over the guard, I had him take me on a tour of the cells, ending with the Horror. It went a little something like this:
Me:"So, what is this...thing."
Guard:"We don't actually know. It was found while workers were digging some new tunnels, and the High Caelan himself imprisioned it here."
Me:"What manner of magic is this containing it?"
Guard:"Powerful disintegration magic...but sadly there is a flaw in the spell."
Me:"Really...."
Guard:"Oh yes, whenever a sizable object is distinegrated there is a momentary lapse in the field. The...creature has evidently learned to watch out for this period."
Me:"That's...horrible."
Guard:"Indeed."
Me:"Awful...."
Guard:"Yes..."
Me:"Ghastly..."
Me, OOC: "I shove him into the field."
DM: "Finally! Make a strength check."
It worked by the way, with none the wiser...
Mostly because all the guards who fought the Horror were either wiped from existence or melted into a pile of groaning flesh before it jumped back home.
The rogue is all for "stab 'im in the back."
The paladin is ready to "smack 'im to kingdom come and run."
The mage is "Fireball his ass and grab it."
The beefy barbarian gets this puppy-dog look on his face, "Please?"
The only thing that made the group laugh harder was when I snorted soda out my nose from laughing so hard. (btw, those bubbles BURN!!) :D
***********************
Terk: Aquaintance? Me an Voan go way back
Voan Daarl: He's an intolerable ass, but good with a sword.... we've done some work together.
Terk: I'm not intolerable. You've just always been ticked off at me since you caught me with your sister.
************************
Dwarven fighter(Balgin) talking to a human fighter(Keya)
******************
Balgin Stondraeg (blatantly holding a pitchfork behind his back): Might you be interested in purchasing what just might be the latest developement in combat related technology?
Keya Reyne: (exited) What is it?
Balgin Stondraeg: (producing the item) It's a really big fork!!!!
[... a few days later, in the company of adventurers...]
Keya Reyne: No really, I'll be okay... I've got this thing. It's umm, the latest combat related... techologically... development... it's a big goblin fork!
I was playing a Psion, human. There is a Elven Wizard, Human Rogue, and a Paladin.
We arrive in WaterDeep and the Paladin goes off to his church. The Human Rogue and me committ many many crimes while the Elven Wizard stays in the Inn to brew some potions. After going to the Tavern and getting drunk, we arrive at the inn
Rogue: You know...I heard this Inn harbors an elf
Me: What!? AN ELF!?
::blows up the Inn::
Me: I don't see any elves!
Rogue: Maybe I was wrong
Me: We better blow everything else up just to make sure. Maybe the dirty thing is hiding
So after killing everything in the immediate area, the Paladin and the Elven Wizard arrived. The elven wizard is covered in burn marks and bruises. She has clearly been involved in an explosion.
Me: Ah, there she is!
Paladin: What's going on here!?
I look around, as if just realizing the explosions
Me: The elf did it!
::rolls natural 20 on bluff check::
Paladin: Oh okay.
The paladin then kills the elf.
Since then, the elf did it has become a catch phrase for my characters.
Much to my girlfriend's...amusement. Yes, she played that elf!
Me: Here you go. (empties sack at noble's feet)
Noble: My God, I didn't mean literally, you monsters! I'm going to be sick...
Me: That's what you get for hiring adventurers to do you work.
My half-dragon paladin was toe-to-toe with it, beating the crap out of it with a critted smite attack followed by another hard-hitting attack...
Randall (the party cleric, also a Tyrran like the paladin): Meet my dragon!!!
After the Geriviar decided to start whocking the crap outta the paladin since she whocked the crap outta it, laying all 9(!) of it's attacks onto her and sending her falling to the ground, getting in a last, vicious swipe as she fell...
Randall: I said MEET my dragon, NOT EAT MY DRAGON!!!
She was rezzed a short time later, after the fight was done.
The funniest thing had to go to the player of the half-celestial fighter who got killed in the same fight, describing how his character went in a *POOF* of nothing but an explosion of feathers.
He came back as well.
During a fight with a Geriviar that we were sent to kill for the injustices it did to various innocents.
My half-dragon paladin was toe-to-toe with it, beating the crap out of it with a critted smite attack followed by another hard-hitting attack...
Randall (the party cleric, also a Tyrran like the paladin): Meet my dragon!!!
After the Geriviar decided to start whocking the crap outta the paladin since she whocked the crap outta it, laying all 9(!) of it's attacks onto her and sending her falling to the ground, getting in a last, vicious swipe as she fell...
Randall: I said MEET my dragon, NOT EAT MY DRAGON!!!
She was rezzed a short time later, after the fight was done.
The funniest thing had to go to the player of the half-celestial fighter who got killed in the same fight, describing how his character went in a *POOF* of nothing but an explosion of feathers.
He came back as well.
atleast he wasn't a yuan-ti, otherwise the cleric would have had to say, "i said meet my snake, not eat my snake!"
:D
get it....
Anyhow, we're in a dungeon, and the main point of the dungeon is to find Item a in Room b for Person C. Anyhow, the hobgoblin want's us to give him his cards back. As we're looking around, we stumble upon a plot point: Four balors (Representing the horsemen) were discusing the end of the world.
Anyhow, we find the cards... Turns out it was a deck of many things (And I didn't even get to draw
). We return it to him, and he draws a card... A moon, with four on it. What do we hear on the way out, but:"I wish I was in control of those demons in there."
And the Hobgoblin ends up:
Note, to, that more than once all sorts of crazy people have caused armageddons and cataclysyms in this world... But never a hobgoblin.
Player -- Dude, that sounds dirty.
But I do like your skit.
FIghter: Here....ooops.
The pepper spills over the kobold's nose.
Kobold: Achoooo! *Fire breath attack against whole party*
Monk: Magic is for weakling
My char: Ha! Its for the strong! I will toast or enemy with it!
Cleric: he, then show us mighty dwarf mage!
My char: öhh, I have to learn some first
silly one.
Ex-Military Barbarian: "I'm going to grapple the kobald and throw him into the fire pit!"
DM: Ummm, what's the damage for immersion in fire????
Ex-Military Rogue: Dude you're going to cook the kobald?
Bar: Yep, just like those C-rations from when I was in the Navy...
Rog: So they're K-Rations, I wonder how kobald tastes?
And this, boys and girls, is why half the people in my party have the words 'Take 10' scrawled on the covers of their character sheet.
But what if they have, like, minus 8 to climb and taking ten isn't enough?
Kitten hon, I am sure you are stealing the thunder of what otherwise would be a greatly appreciated poem.
But I do like your skit.
I'm slightly confused... But I think I'll say thanks. :D
But what if they have, like, minus 8 to climb and taking ten isn't enough?
Then they become cargo.
DM to Liss: You come to a large clearing, skinned human bodies are hanging from trees and the leader of the camp is pinned to a choping block by a short, sharp metal spear going through his neck, he's seemingly alive, what do you do?
Liss: I stay in hiding and see what happens, i think i'm ganna be sick...
DM: Roll con. to see if you throw up
Me OOC: hahahahaha
Liss player: *rolling*
Me DMing a short part: You hear a clicking sound and the gagging of the camp leader as he slipps into death, you hear a long clicking sound and then the spear is pulled out of the man's neck, he slumps over as the spear seemingly disintigrates into air, the corpse's head comes loose with blood leeking everywhere, what do you do?
Liss player: i failed, i start to throw up my small lunch
Me DMing short part: the head drops as you hear another clicking sound and a *woosh* flash sound. a deep luagh fills your ears and then a *pound* sound comes from right in front of you. a 7'4 beast-human comes out of air as two chaotic blades spring from his right wrist, a gives a growl and pulls his hand back.
Liss (breaking voice): hehehehe.... uh.. don't do anything hasty now, bud
Me and DM:
Me: How do we stop the champions of the Black there have the talismen of ultimate evil. and we dont know where they are!!!
Knowlege: I think i know a way
:D
Halfling -- (makes the dog sit so his own bow aims back up at the centaur)
Centaur -- You really wish to trade?
Halfling -- You would do that? Trade your bow for mine?
Centaur -- (shoots the halfling)
Druid -- He deserved it!
Halfling -- (muttering) I could have been talking about the price of grapefruits and she'd feel I deserved it.
Druid -- That's because usually, YOU DO!
Player 1 -- I got a 34.
Player 2 -- I thought you said it was a 33 before.
Player 1 -- It was, I added wrong.
Player 2 -- Yes, because that one point makes all the difference.
(NPC hears player 1)
Player 2 -- Apparently that one point made all the difference all right. You still LOSE!
atleast he wasn't a yuan-ti, otherwise the cleric would have had to say, "i said meet my snake, not eat my snake!"
:D
get it....
::groans::
You deserve a smite attack for that one.... and the pally would do it.... she's quite irritable (to put it mildly) at the moment due to the Dragon Rage... :D
Playing Whispers of The Vampire's Blade in Eberron. I'm DMing, and the players are in the Ziggurat at the end of the adventure. the Valenar Elf Ranger has discovered the Secret shaft going up to where the vampire is, and has climbed up it. Starts sneaking around the statue, is not seen, but heard, sees the vampire.
Ranger: I backflip through the air into the shaft, grab onto the rope, and slide all the way down (had gloves on).
80 or so feet downwards:
Me (DM): You see a light rapidly approach you as the elf hurtles down the rope.
Fighter/Psion: Oooh! Elven Meteor!
Everyone:
Once, while the Paladin and the Barbarian were involved in a pitched melee-battle, our wizard decided to "support" them with a fireball.
Me: "No, they will get hit too!"
Him: "Bah, they have good reflexes..."
I fel the pain of this player.. In my current offline group (the same group featuring the werebear that helped me earn my screenname... see sig for details. :p ) We have two arcane spellcasters, a Wizard and a Warmage. Their motto: "Fire is a caster's best freind." They cast Fireball practically very battle (party level average is 12), and with all the times we'v had to make Reflex saves, the group has gained its own little running gag.
"He can take it, he has EVASION!"
Speaking of our group, here's a classic from our earlier games, when I was a humble Warlock (currently playing a Cleric Fighter):
DM: You enter the door to the north. nside you find a laboratory. Located in the center of the lab is a table with a zombie orc strapped to it. He looks at you and growls. On the wall nearby are three levers, one facing down and the others facing up..
Warforged Fighter: I go to the switches and pull the one lever out of place.
DM: The zombie goes free. Roll inish. *dice roll, initiative is set up, and the Wizard goes first*
Necromancer Wizard: I cast Command Undead.
DM: The zombie is now under your control.
Wizard: I shall name him.. Fluffy. :P
Unknown to him the wand was just about out, I had an idea but not my fighter.
So as he goes to use it again, it being out of charges fizzles.
(friend of mine) Barbarrian=>Uh, oh. Looks like your little wand has fizzled out and does nothing.
(former gf) Cleric=>Gee, I could have told you that.
(w)itch
(fenix, half-elf fighter, andred, dwarven barbarian, dracos a elven mage, think black mage)
-fenix and andred are still trying to appease the insane vampire as dracos walks up.
Adolfius: Oh? well i'd love to let you in and see my finger paintings, but i fear i will kill you.
Fenix: well there's really no reason for that...
Andred: ya, wouldn't be proper!
Adolfius: ah, well what else am i to do with the evening then?
enter dracos-
dracos: how about i magic missile you dead and we call it a night?
everyone else including me: WHAT?!?
well as it turns out, after alot of practice and a custom feat for the campaign you can in fact cast with two fingers missing from each hand...
We Came in Broad Daylight, We Saw Cities Burn at Night, We Conquered Through the Ice and Hail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, No Sea Shall Vanquish Our Fleet, Our Army Knows No Defeat, Our Dragon Mast Paves Our Trial, To Untamed Lands We Sail, The Sun Wheel is Our Orifice, In the Name of the Gods We Sacrifice, History Will Recant Our Tale, To Untamed Lands We Sail, We'll Drink Your Blood from the Chalice of Gold, Your Weakness is What Makes Us Bold, Take Another Drink from the Grail, To Untamed Lands We Sail
FORWARD We Plunder, CITIES We'll Conquer, By My Sword You Will Die, Ashes and Ruins is All that Remains, As We Laugh at Your Pitiful Cries
We're Icemen from the North, Death and Destruction We Bring Forth, Your Resistance Comes to No Avail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, Berserkers Running Free, Unleashing Death Pain and Misery, Corpses Litter the Ground as They Assail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, The Hammer of the Gods is Coming Down, Striking Swift and Silent Without a Sound, Your Demise Shall Quickly Entail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, Row On Men of the North, To a Strange Land We Set Forth, God of War We Do Not Fail, To Untamed Lands We Sail
FORWARD We Plunder,CITIES We'll Conquer, By My Sword You Will Die, Ashes and Ruins is All that Remains, As We Laugh at Your Pitiful Cries
WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED, TO UNTAMED LANDS WE SAIL, WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED, TO UNTAMED LANDS WE SAIL, WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED, TO UNTAMED LANDS WE SAIL...
Dwarf to Barbarian: "please, don't squeeze the Shaman" :P
Artin (in fake soviet accent): Sorry for stealing. I turn to life of crime, because my cat is sick, and I need medicine.
Person: That's sad. Where is it?
Artin: Dead! Umm, I am raising money to ressurect it?
Male halfling rogue: I whiz on one of the doorknobs.
DM: WHA?!?... um, okay... (roll, roll) HA! a NATURAL ONE! your manhood gets stuck in the keyhole. As you scream, 9 Orcs, 3 Yuan-tis, 4 kobolds, 5 trogs and 7 goblins rush towards the annoyed party. It will take a full-round action to use a escape artist check, and you take 1d6 nonlethal damage per round until un-stuck.
Barbarian: Crap you!
No joke, this happened. my friends just mess around both in-game and out, and I thought it would be time to punish them.
---
Same PC: "Lets burn, pillage, steal, burn, murder, loot, burn, pillage and burn!
another PC: "Isn't it supposed to be steal, pillage, then burn?" - I've got a heck of a dysfunctional group
---
Same Necro. PC: "I Charge her!" - to a rogue PC who then went and shot him, kicked him to the ground and then stole his spellbook and ripped it up.
---
Same PC again: "I hereby, In front of all my elders and ancestors, renounce my teachings as wizard of Wee Jas and take up the demonic teachings of Orcus, the Prince of the Undead!!!"
Me (DM): "Make a Knowledge (religion) check *roll roll* You haven't the slightest clue who Orcus is, metagamer."
PC: "Urm, I er well... nevermind."
---
Paladin PC: (In temple of Ehlonna) "Excuse me? I need to heal this lady, who as suffered a vicious attack from an assassin!"
Cleric NPC: "I'm sorry, you must be looking for the Pelor temple fella's across the road over there."
Paladin PC: Right, thank you kindly. I'll just hustle over there while this chick's still suffering, thank you very much!"
---
Paladin PC: "You are now safe from the assassin, and healed from the grievous wounds he dealt you."
Damsel: "Oh, my whole family thanks you so much! I would love to reward you in some way, but I know you are a paladin of virtue and surely take reward enough from helping innocents!"
Paladin's Player OOC: "I HATE paladins! They never get all of the good stuff!" - read it in whatever way you wish, it doesn't matter to me. Side note-that paladin then went to get drunk in a bar... not sure if that's an offence to his moral code or not, but I'll let it slide for now.
---
DM (not me): So this is a pirate campaign. Any ideas?
Player: I know! ALE BOMBS! Mix ale with alchemists fire and you've got ALE BOMBS!
DM: no, no ale bombs.
Player: ALE BOMBS!!!!!
---
We're so dysfunctional...
DM (not me): So this is a pirate campaign. Any ideas?
Player: I know! ALE BOMBS! Mix ale with alchemists fire and you've got ALE BOMBS!
DM: no, no ale bombs.
Player: ALE BOMBS!!!!!
heh, Ale Bombs. That reminds me of a Second Ed. campeign. We had a guy new to DMing and the game in general, and he had us in an underground complex that was run by Derro. We had found their store room and barricaded ourselves in it to plan. What we came up with was this: Our party psion (yes they actually did have psionics in 2ed, it was so broken) would scout around using Claraudience/Clarivoyance. When we found them, he opened a Dimension door parallel to the ceiling and we dropped the evil dwarves' ale barrels on them, after we had turned them into Molotov cocktails. The DM didn't know what to do, so he had them explode, killing all but two of the 10 Derro.
Heh, Ale bombs and newbie DMs.
me: Kurgan, what class will you be?
Kurgan: Abyssal Bard.
me: What the h*ll is that!?
K: Bard which plays in lower planes, in front of deamons. He can wear full plate armor.
me: You want to say that you want full plate?
K: Yes.
me: On Athas, metal is extremely rare ("More precious than water"), WHERE did you get it?
K: I got it in lower planes, from Demons.
me (running out of arguments): OK, lets say you have full plate, you'll die in hour on 60 celsius, out in the sun.
K: I could have 1st or 2nd level spell which'll enable me to survive.
And so on, and so on, until friend finally said:"Kurgan, i'll hit you!"
Me (playing my evil cannabilistic Bullywug, Ravi Olie): I go up to the Lizardfolk. "So. Do you fellas lay eggs?"
DM: "Why, yes . . ."
Me: "Can you lay me some?"
DM: "But . . . we are exhausted and to lay eggs would be very bad for our females. . ."
Me: "Hm." I pull out a large backpack. "Fill this. I'll be back in three days."
---
On another occasion:
Me: "Feel the wrath of Ravi Olie and," Ravi said, pulling out his weasel familiar, "Noodles!"
Elian PC: I'm going to check to make sure the bridge is stable (rolls knowledge engineering natural 1)
DM: As you examine the bridge you notice it's actually a catapult!
Elian PC (to other PCs): Don't step on that bridge! It's a catapult!
Monk: "Oh dear...oh my...."
Paladin: "Look, just get the screaming done now so we can talk like civilized people later. Okay?"
Monk: "Actually, I'd prefer to get stone drunk and pretend I never saw a thing, but we're short a tavern here. So I suppose I'm able to listen for a few minutes before I lose my self-control and run screaming for the hills?"
Cleric: "Just remember, humans taste good. We little ones are all stringy and foul."
Monk: "But Halflings are more bite-sized."
Paladin: (exasperated) don't eat people. I serve Lady Mystra, not the beast Malar"
Cleric: "Aye, but we taste like sh... don't eat people? Why not? We're perfectly good people."
-------
Then there was one in a different group, with a CN bard and a NE thief aruging over whether to rob an unconsious PC blind.
Thief: You are talking about stealing from a member of this party! Someone who we are suppossed to be able to trust at our backs, and who should trust us!
Bard: So what are you saying?
Thief: I'm saying I'm going to tell him what you did unless you give me half!
-------
And then there was an Eberron game, where the PCs were heading for Flamekeep on a mission. An NPC I was running warned the PCs about the Chruch of the Silver Flame. Well...actually, her exact words were:
"It is said that no one expects the Thranish inquisition."
The players were throwing things at me for that one.
I was playing in a campaign where we were going around raiding and pillaging in a good old fashioned viking style. My Fighter/Berserker named Ragnar Redbeard was at the front of the ship & wanted to strike fear into the hearts of the villagers before we hit shore. So when distances were just right for the villagers to hear and me to have enough time chanting i let out a battle hymn of sorts. It went something like this...
We Came in Broad Daylight, We Saw Cities Burn at Night, We Conquered Through the Ice and Hail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, No Sea Shall Vanquish Our Fleet, Our Army Knows No Defeat, Our Dragon Mast Paves Our Trial, To Untamed Lands We Sail, The Sun Wheel is Our Orifice, In the Name of the Gods We Sacrifice, History Will Recant Our Tale, To Untamed Lands We Sail, We'll Drink Your Blood from the Chalice of Gold, Your Weakness is What Makes Us Bold, Take Another Drink from the Grail, To Untamed Lands We Sail
FORWARD We Plunder, CITIES We'll Conquer, By My Sword You Will Die, Ashes and Ruins is All that Remains, As We Laugh at Your Pitiful Cries
We're Icemen from the North, Death and Destruction We Bring Forth, Your Resistance Comes to No Avail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, Berserkers Running Free, Unleashing Death Pain and Misery, Corpses Litter the Ground as They Assail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, The Hammer of the Gods is Coming Down, Striking Swift and Silent Without a Sound, Your Demise Shall Quickly Entail, To Untamed Lands We Sail, Row On Men of the North, To a Strange Land We Set Forth, God of War We Do Not Fail, To Untamed Lands We Sail
FORWARD We Plunder,CITIES We'll Conquer, By My Sword You Will Die, Ashes and Ruins is All that Remains, As We Laugh at Your Pitiful Cries
WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED, TO UNTAMED LANDS WE SAIL, WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED, TO UNTAMED LANDS WE SAIL, WE CAME WE SAW WE CONQUERED, TO UNTAMED LANDS WE SAIL...
The party consisted of two rangers (9th level) and a warlock (8th level)chasing after a group of 30 kobolds (4th level classes) in an ancient elven crypt. The kobolds stole a valuable book from a friend of the PCs and they're trying to get the book back. The kobolds are using the book to translate the ancient elvish language and find an ancient secret to Lich imortality to give to their boss, a white dragon named Snowfire.
After a long hard fight throughout the crypt (both sides triggering traps along the way), the kobolds barricaded themselves in the treasure room. The PCs were tired and unwilling to fight with 10 to 1 odds. The kobolds had the same feelings so the encounter got weird:
Vincent (Ranger): "Ugh, this is going to take forever. I hate kobolds."
Lyle (Warlock): "I Eldrich blast the door!" *rolls a 1* "Yikes!"
DM: "Okay, you nearly blast your own head and you alerted the kobolds to your presense."
Mira (Ranger): "So much for surprise."
Kobold 1 (Who sounds like Cheech): "Ey man, we got some crypt theives out there."
Kobold 2 (Who sounds like Chong): "Man, dat not good! Who's there?"
Kobold 1: "Looks like two tree huggers an' a drunk wizard."
Kobold 2: "How can you tell he's drunk?"
Kobold 1: "He tried to pick his nose with a spell man!"
Vincent: "Hey kobolds! We're kinda tired and all, any chance you just give us back the book you stole and we call it a day?"
Mira: "Bah, that'll never work."
Kobold 1: "Ey, you don't wanna fight? What a relief!"
Lyle: "Huh?"
Kobold 2: "Man you can have the book. There's no treasure down here! All we found in this room is a mummified hand. Silent Bob is using it as a back scratcher."
Party: "..."
Kobold 1: "Here man, take the book. We don't wanna fight or nuthing."
Vincent: "Thanks!"
Mira: "There's no logical reason that should have worked."
Lyle: "Agreed. We just negotiated with the Cheech and Chong of kobolds."
Vincent: "And that's why I get the XPs."
The party later found out the kobolds accidently stumbled onto the Hand of Vecna.
Hand of Vecna.... big treasure...
Although Deck of Many Things is a CR increaser...
Barbarian: "I bite the ax"
Samurai, when travelling with a thief played by me would occasionally tell the DM "I pat my pouch." when my thief walked out of the room or said something suspicious.
Evil Cleric: Ill show you the meaning of pain!
Ranger (me): Want to know pain? Try being eaten by wolves. (Just one of his 4 deaths)
Fighter in full plate holding a greataxe mid-air paralyzed by a gargoyle: *muffled* "Oil Can..."
Wizard: *Idiotic question I cant recall*
DM (me): ......here let me show you something. *points at notebook, small diagram* Heres the city, now the problem with the commerce section is*Hits wizard's player over head HARD with notebook!*
From there on whenever someone said something stupid I was asked to "Show him the commerce section."
Cleric: *long speech on morals toward thief and stealing outside a shop he tried to rob*
Thief: Uh huh, yeah, yeah, okay.
Cleric: *finishes*
Thief (to DM): We walking back in now?
DM: Uh, yeah.
Thief: *rolls pickpocket*
noble: yes
Dwarf: you also have to pay my bar tabs in the entire city from now on
noble: not a chance in hell.
Well, in the grand-daddy of games in my group, years back, you had a half-demon (aka alu-fiend, aka half-fiend, but didn't use the MM template) paladin that was just revealing what she was to the group (the wings were a givaway). The group feaked out, of course. The other people in the group were a human monk and a halfling cleric
The wings were a dead giveaway? She's got alter self at will. She doesn't need to have them out unless she wants to fly.
Besides, the fact that she was a paladin should be enough to convice them she's ok. Paladins must be good, not evil.
The wings were a dead giveaway? She's got alter self at will. She doesn't need to have them out unless she wants to fly.
Besides, the fact that she was a paladin should be enough to convice them she's ok. Paladins must be good, not evil.
A) no one cast detect good
B) she would always light up a detect evil spell
C) no spell-like abilities with that template
(note he had no idea what kind of people these were, id just randomly do a voice)
4 year old girl
half orc
gaurd captain's wife ( they acually ran into the gaurd captain afterwards...)
well they went on the adventure soon after, and the other pcs had quite a laugh.
"I want wings"
DM looks at her.
"Flying Rogue? eh.. no. Maybe if you die. House rule is if you die, six days later if your important enough, you come back with wings but have to do a extra mission to keep 'em or get them ripped out. Cool?"
Rogue:
"Alright then.. I want to die."
Recently when everyone in my party died except me. Go-Go Plane Shift!
"Hey?"
Me
"Yo?"
Rogue: "Can you ressurect me? I don't want wings. I have a Flaw of afraid of heights."
.. Faceplant.
The two party rangers (Mira & Vincent) attempting to negotiate a hostage situation with the kobold leader Hurc (DM), who has hostages barricaded in the kitchen of a large tavern. This was played out completely free form:
Hurc: "If you want the hostages alive, you'll have to negotiate!"
Mira: "Uh, what do you want?"
Hurc: "What do you think, you pointy eared human? Let's talk cash."
Vincent: "How much cash we talking about here?"
Hurc: "100 gold pieces per head!"
Mira: "100!? Who's your hostage, King George? How about 50?"
Hurc: "80!"
Mira: "75!"
Hurc: "60!"
Vincent: "Sold!" *Shoves a bag of gold into the kitchen window.*
Hurc: "... ... @#$%&!"
Mira: "Nice doing business with you."
Druid -- What are you waiting for?
Hawk -- To be recalled.
Druid -- Recalled by whom?
Hawk -- By my master.
Druid -- I cast "Dominate Animal". "Flee".
Hawk -- Flee yourself. Before my master strikes you down.
Druid -- F**k your master. I cast call lightning.
DM --
OK. Roll damage. Druid -- 14.
DM -- Alright. From the forest you hear an anguished scream from the centaur.
Druid --
Oh s**t. I send Snapper (her wolf animal companion) in the opposite direction from the centaur. Halfling -- (to centaur after damage has been dealt) Who's your mare now, b***h?!
Anyway, here's my contribution of an awsome thing a fellow player of mine did this Monday during our session.
First, some background on our group and the situation -
A lot of stuff happened with the original members of the party involving a group of so called "heros," dragons, githyanki, and portable holes, but that would take a while to tell. The members of our party are an elf transmutator, an elven cleric, a tiefling war-mage (From Complete Arcane) and me, the human Barbarian (and secret werewolf, although no has found out...yet.)
The cleric had just joined us, and we were going down to a weapon shop, where there was a report of a magical warhammer (Everyone in the group had gotten a magic weapon by now except for me, so I was a bit eager to go there.) When we get there, a guy is standing in the shop, and glares at the wizard. Really menacingly, but we decided to shrug it off. I bargin for the hammer, and the shopkeeper mentions that the guy has been there for a while, claiming to be checking up on him to see if he's "following the law" and whatnot. This reminds us of our employer, who also had a guy of the same description come in and check out a (dead) dragon we brought to the employer.
But I buy the hammer, and all appears to be well, until the guy who has been standing around follows us outside. He then tells us that an Arcane Mark was found on the dragon (that is now with our employer) that the "heros" had "taken care of", which matches the transmutators mark on his cloak. Furthermore, the wizard is under arrest for being suspected of unleashing a dragon on the city, and everyone else is being arrested for suspecion of helping a criminal. He then shows us papers which basically say he has the authority to do this, and slaps manacles on the wizard.
Me, the war-mage, and the now manacled wizard are all trying to figure out what to do. Meanwhile, the cleric says, "Can I take a closer look at those papers?"
Meanwhile...
Cleric: I say to the man, "Can I take a closer look at those papers?"
DM: The man says "Sure," and holds out the documents.
Cleric: *makes a grabbing motion on the DM's wrist* MASTERWORK MANACLES!
Everyone: *silence, and then...*
Everyone, including DM:
Cleric:
My fighter picked up an enchanted spade from a mad wizard recently, being too proud to admit he was fighting with a spade (and had even taken a weapon focus in it) he was certain it was his "Concave leaf bladed axe"
"No mate, thats a spa..."
"IT'S NOT A BUGGERING SPADE"
Combat was made excessively fun by the people making "spang" noises every time i hit someone.
The party has been tasked by the Captain to leave the ship and negotiate with a dragon. Along the way we came across a Dwarven city and Decided to rest for the night. After we reach the inn, I realize that I don't have any coin on me. No problem.... I'm a rogue, the inn has a bar.
Me: I look around for a fairly drunk mark
DM: You find a likely candidate
Me: Pick Pocket *roll*
DM: You find a fistfull of powder.
Me:
I drop the powder and try another pocket/pouch *roll*DM: You find a bunch of iron rings
Me:
I pocket them and try again *roll*DM: Roll a reflex save!
Me: *roll*
DM: You get caught in a mouse trap. 1 subdual damage.
DM as NPC: *clutches purse* What are you doing?!
Me: *slurs voice - acting drunk* why don't you watch where you're going?
DM: Bluff check
Me: *rolls poorly*
NPC: GUARD!!! THIEF!!
The guards came and arrested me. As they were dragging me out of the inn
Me: Woohoo!! Free room and board!
One of my companions has also realized he is short on coin
Fighter: (ooc) I want free room and board too! I attack the barkeep!
DM:
You what?!Fighter: I attack the barkeep *roll*
In the end, we were both arrested. I got 4 weeks in jail, the fighter got 3 weeks. After a couple of days, another member of the party paid bail. In retrospect we should have just asked for a loan to cover the rooms.
A) no one cast detect good
B) she would always light up a detect evil spell
C) no spell-like abilities with that template
She would have the problem of lighting up a detect evil. I don't see why she would have no spell-like abilities, though--she would lose some of them but most of her powers are fine for a Paladin so long as they aren't misused.
Her charm person powers could be very useful in dealing with underlings.
Charm a target and tell them "Mr So-and-so is actually part of the conspiracy although for security reasons he will deny it. Since things are falling apart here you need to go and report." Mr So-and-so is actually someone like the sheriff. Things really are falling apart--the PC's are attacking and making a mess of the bad guys. The effect is you are getting the underlings to go turn themselves in. It seems to me something a Paladin would do.
Charm a target and tell them "Mr So-and-so is actually part of the conspiracy although for security reasons he will deny it. Since things are falling apart here you need to go and report." Mr So-and-so is actually someone like the sheriff. Things really are falling apart--the PC's are attacking and making a mess of the bad guys. The effect is you are getting the underlings to go turn themselves in. It seems to me something a Paladin would do.
I disagree. It's a direct falsehood. Sure, it's a little lie intended for good, but it's a gray area. Palladins can understand that gray areas exist but they have to act in a black or white manner. I'd say the Palladin would get every ability the template gives. USING those abilities is up to the player, and some of them might be difficult or impossible to reconcile with paladinhood. An example of allowable use of charm might be to use it on a hysterical person, "Calm down, everything will be ok. I'm going to help you." I'd also allow the ability to work as a counter-charm (original spell's caster check vs save DC of palladin's charm ability).
Palladin's are always black and white. They are perfectly capable of understanding gray areas, such as the use of deception for tactical advantage, but just as they cannot use their combat prowess to murder a criminal who's surrendered, they can't sneak. They don't do what they do because they're stupid (thouigh some are), they do what they do because they feel it must be done in the manner they do it because it's right.
Heh. I could easily turn this into a huge post on why palladins are who they are and what they can or can't do. I won't here, as I'm sure I said it well elsewhere.
Bartleby
Wow, what a great thread :D BTW Kittencaboodle, I'd love to be in your group. Absolutly hilarious stuff!
You'd be surprised at how many people say that. :D And the stuff I post is the stuff I remember. Bartleby (our DM) has on more than one occasion winced in pain and terror as our group does something unexpected. He's also said, on more than one occasion, that no matter what he plans, no matter how many DM Hooks he throws out there, we avoid them completely and go on to do something else. Currently, we've avoided political intrigue, big bad guys, dragons, war, pirates and more! Well, we did meet up with the pirates, but we were too crazy for them so they threw us off their boat.
This was after the druid used shape wood on the boat to go find her wolf companion after they locked her in and the halfling used his ring of featherfall to climb the mast and jump off.
BArtleby has often cautioned people to: "Think, then act. Not Act, think, fix." Unfortunately, the group never makes it to the think part. For example, the druid had a very good reason for killing the hawk. She had it set in her mind that the hawk must be the familiar of one of the people shooting arrows at them from the trees. She had forgotten that Rangers get animal companions. And there's no way to fix this. She just blew any chance at diplomacy with the ranger, who has probably made her a favored enemy. They can't continue exploring the forest because the ranger is furious. And she feels terrible to boot because the guy was doing what she does, protecting the forest.
And this kind of stuff happens all the time.
That said, here's one of my favorite lines:
Halfling: We have to go back to the crypt!
Elf Mage: Why? We got the dragon and his hoard, we don't need to dig any deeper, it's what we were hired to do.
Halfling: Because fo the big neon "Dungeon Here" sign the DM is holding over our heads! We have to go there!
:D I love being a Brass Dragon Disciple.
thok: I'm going to jump though a window.
DM: OK... which one?
thok: How about one of the ones on that big building.
DM: Roll a jump and a tumble.
:rolls:
DM: OK, the patrons of the tavern stare in supprise and utter disbeliefe at your unexpected enterence.
thok: Thank you, thank you.
everyone else:
Later in the session the town had come under attack from the local baron who had just killed his father to gain his title. In a moment of PC empathy we had decided to help the town guard
DM: The town square is crouded with town guardsmen and soldiers of the baron locked in battle.
kontair: I pull out my bow and fire at one of the baron's soldiers.
DM: That's a -4 because everyone is in battle.
:rolls natural 1:
DM: You drop a town guard.
kontair:
Oops...Having secured the opposition of both sides the party was doing it's best to keep alive. Gruganor has been bashing people with a torch all this time.
gruganor ooc: Hey, I don't think that I ever set my beer down.
DM: So?
gruganor ooc: :lightbulb:D:evillaugh
DM: What?
gruganor ooc: Orcish flamethrower!!
Party:
When activated they would "attack" your opponents covering their eyes, ears or mouth.
We had a paladin in our group that had a holy sword named Lawgiver. The blinding monkey was on his back covering his eyes and on his initiative he declared his action as "I spank my monkey with Lawgiver"
It took a half an hour for us to regain our composure and start the combat again.
Me: Umm, I'm sorry, but I think I saw his hp, and was that a comma?!?
DM: Yep. Don't worry, I didn't even give him all the feats he should have.
Psion: Oh? what are they, Toughness?
Me: Naw, Summon Familiar.
Cleric: Oh man, a weasel that has more hp than a great Gold Wyrm.
Archer: Chitter chitter! (I have come in the name of my dark Master, now I feed on your flesh!)
Me: Dude! That thing could eat a town!
It went on like that for five minuets or more.
We actually haven’t beaten him yet, but we just got more divine aid, sealing his spells and supernatural abilities.
Here’s what were up against, and yes, we are severely min/maxed
http://boards.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=396861
Well, our party has reached the final battle of a 2 year campaign, and the BBEG is a God of Darkness and Chaos. We were starting the encounter and I got a glimpse of the enemy's hp.
Me: Umm, I'm sorry, but I think I saw his hp, and was that a comma?!?
DM: Yep. Don't worry, I didn't even give him all the feats he should have.
Psion: Oh? what are they, Toughness?
Me: Naw, Summon Familiar.
Cleric: Oh man, a weasel that has more hp than a great Gold Wyrm.
Archer: Chitter chitter! (I have come in the name of my dark Master, now I feed on your flesh!)
Me: Dude! That thing could eat a town!
It went on like that for five minuets or more.
We actually haven’t beaten him yet, but we just got more divine aid, sealing his spells and supernatural abilities.
Here’s what were up against, and yes, we are severely min/maxed
http://boards.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=396861
I looked at that monster...
Oh dear god.
Yeah, and we've got him down to 1/2 hp. Like I said though, he doesnt have any spells or Supernatural abilities, and we're lvl 20
Wanna borrow Glime, the Dwarf Barbarian? He was lvl 8 (Brb4/Ftr2/FB2) when he accidentally killed the 4-man party and fled into the moutains disgusted of himself. He was already doing 80-100 (130!!!) dmg/round and I believe that if he ever reaches lvl 20 that he would kill 'em god hard
He kept reminding me (against all opponents we faced) of a quote on Ceres' list:
"Man, why do you always kill gods when I am out of town
No-one but Moe got to participate.
What? How could I have known that a GOD only has 900 HP?
*strangles Moe*"
(Can you tell I have been enjoying Ceres' list too much? :P)
DM: Which Drow???
Fighter: The rouge, out rouge
Rouge: I am an elf...
Fighter: Oh... Ah...
Rouge(invneting on the spot): I do have Drow blood though.
Me(Cleric): Yes, in a bottle in you pack.
Rouge:
Hang on (writes down on equipment sheet 2 pints, drow blood, in bottle.)The party (wizard, archer, ranger, fighter/barbarian/ranger, cleric/rogue & bard/seducer) is forced to spent a few days in a town. They use the time making items, buying and selling stuff. At the end of the week, they're all pretty low on money and discussing ways to restock.
Wizard to bard:
"So go, sing in some tavern, after all you're the only one of us who has a real profession."
-------------
After a few laughs the bard decides that this isn't such a bad idea after all, at least, he might be able to make the ... aquaintance ... of some females (not too particular about the species as long as he consideres said female good-looking).
The DM agrees (Yes, several women seem interested) and our bard/seducer wonders (ooc) "Do you think they will pay for the night? How much?"
This lead to an interesting (but cut short) speculation how the group was planning to earn more money in the future...
After a fun battle with some were-rats, the 1/2 orc grabs the decapitated head of a were-rat and begins drinking it's blood. You know, to gain it's fighting power. Even though we completely destroyed them.
Fast-forward a few days game time. She fights off the effects for a short while but eventually succumbs and reverts into a rat and scurries off while the rest of use were in town. We come back to find all her belonging minus her chain shirt.
Fast-forward even more... We are in the sewers at another city and encounter more were-rats (our DM liked them). After a difficult battle which included: my kender setting off a sonic blast (in the underground tunnel mind you) covering everyone in nasty sludge except him due to his ring of waterwalk enabling him to stay on top the sewage wave, but he was the only one to fail the save and was deafened and began shouting at everyone.
Once we defeated the were-rats (my kender dealing the killing blow) and my kender regaining his hearing, he noticed the lead were-rat was in fact our old 1/2 orc! Well, since he never got to say goodbye to her before, he whips his Rod of Resurrection and proclaims simply, "I resurrect her". Up until that point, the others were heatedly discussing what next to do (we were still running from the Zhents). At that point, in unison, they all reply with "YOU WHAT??" Hey, all he wanted was to say hi to his old friend....
So she comes back to life, tries to lure us into her lair/nest, but our Monk suspects ill intent... She attacks, misses. Everyone else misses her, every time. My kender though, he managed to kill her. Again.
I loved playing that guy!!
Val-El (Jedi Consular): Maybe you should take a [dump] on him!!!
It's amazing what comes outta the mouth of Jedi these days....
We're playing a Star Wars DnD game set in the Old Republic (I'm a Duros scoundrel, if you care). We're in a bar, and me and my tec spec friend Zachas (I forget his race) are being threatened by some alien with guns to our heads. So Andrew (a Jedi Guardian) charges forward and slices through him with his lightsaber. As everyone in the bar stares at him, he turns off his lightsaber, starts walking back, and says calmly:
"Jedi matters. Back to your business."
I liked it. It seemed very Jedi of him. It was a very good line at the moment. I know he stole it from one of the movies, but it was a good place to put it.
Oh, and in case you're curious, my character's name is "K'rtas Lakkapants". See, he's a duros, but the closest figure we had was a rodon...I think that's it. Green bug-eyed things. But the figure is clearly not wearing pants. So I decided my character didn't need pants and made a name to make fun of it.
Halfling -- Stop! What are you doing!
DM -- She's covered in blood and she's broken her crossbow. You can't really make out the form on the ground in front of her, other than it was humanoid at one point.
Rogue -- (panting) I got one. :D
Halfling -- No, you can't eat the goblin. Leave him alone! He's not tasty! (flips a copper at her) Here, lay down on your hoarde.
Dragon Disciple chases the halfling who manages to get away.
Dragon Disciple -- I come back and pick up the copper and put it in my pouch for my hoarde. And then I wait for the halfling to come back. I'm an elf. I don't need to sleep. He does. And I'm a dragon. I have all the time in the world.
Dragon disciple -- Oooh. A talking sword. That would go well in my hoarde. (to the wielder) Can I have that sword for my hoarde?
DM -- That's really not a hoarde sword.
I wanted to add another quote for that final battle that I found amusing.
The final battle had just begun: the group had just teleported to the city where the BBEG was said to be in. When they get there, they see a 12,000 man army praying to this deity...and in the middle of them, was a man with a sword.
Wizard: "Are you Tadasi?"
Man with Sword: "no."
After the man was defeated, the sword produced it's own spirit, and began to fight the group. The Wizard, with an int of 42 or more, said:
Wizard: "Are you Tadasi?"
Spirit of Sword: "...no."
Then, after the sword-spirit was defeated, the final Seal was broken and an Solar came down from the sky. The wizard, with his great insight, asked:
Wizard: Are you Tadasi?"
Solar: "...no!"
Then, the Six Elemental Masters of the World showed up, and again, the wizard asked the question, and again, it was a no. Finally, the BBEG himself showed himself, and the wizard asked:
Wizard: ARE YOU TADASI?!"
Of course, by this point I was laughing hard that the wizard, with such gigantic int, would be asking everyone this, that I could issue a response as soon as I ought to have :D
But it all began with one players desire to bring back a "dead god".
He presented it to the group in an hour long speech. After which they engaged in an hour long discussion of how this was possible and what needed to be done/researched.
All the while the Dwarven Fighter sat and said absolooutly nothing....
At long last when they paused for a moment to think about all they discussed. The presenter said:
"This is going to shake the World as we know it."
To which the Dwarf answered back:
"I don't care if we shake the World as long as some of the change falls into my POCKET!"
They all cheared and agreed to go for it.... 2 Real Life years later they succeeded!
DM: [Druid] is taken by surprise even more then you two *motions at me and [Monk]*
Monk: Okay, I'll...
Druid: Wait, my character wouldn't be that surprised.
DM:
(This is a bit of a problem player.) Yes, he is. You've never seen these things in action, and your character is taken aback by them.Druid: No, there's no way that could happen. My character would be able to think quickly on his feet!
DM: Yes, there is.
Meanwhile, the Monk's player sneaks up on the Druid's player.
Druid: Well, I would be able to handle it, so my character should as well.
Monk: BOO!
Druid: *jumps in surprise:
Everyone else:
Eventually, he quit the game (thankfully), but it didn't last very long anyway
Arelius(LG paladin) to rest of party:Loot the corpse?
pary that now consists of entirly good characters:
I fel the pain of this player.. In my current offline group (the same group featuring the werebear that helped me earn my screenname... see sig for details. :p ) We have two arcane spellcasters, a Wizard and a Warmage. Their motto: "Fire is a caster's best freind." They cast Fireball practically very battle (party level average is 12), and with all the times we'v had to make Reflex saves, the group has gained its own little running gag.
"He can take it, he has EVASION!"
Speaking of our group, here's a classic from our earlier games, when I was a humble Warlock (currently playing a Cleric Fighter):
DM: You enter the door to the north. nside you find a laboratory. Located in the center of the lab is a table with a zombie orc strapped to it. He looks at you and growls. On the wall nearby are three levers, one facing down and the others facing up..
Warforged Fighter: I go to the switches and pull the one lever out of place.
DM: The zombie goes free. Roll inish. *dice roll, initiative is set up, and the Wizard goes first*
Necromancer Wizard: I cast Command Undead.
DM: The zombie is now under your control.
Wizard: I shall name him.. Fluffy. :P
HA! I remember that, but your getting our campaigns muddled.
I was the Cleric/Necromancer Wizard, Todd was a Ranger, Moe was the anti-paladin and you were the warlock.
It was an ogre though, not an orc.
Same campaign:
We arrive at the outskirts of the village of elves we were supposed to attack and steal the unicorns horn.
Ranger: "There's a ton of elves out front, but the stables are off the the side a bit. I'm going to sneak around and try to get the horn without anyone knowing."
So we wait a little bit, but the elves notice us and approach.
Necro: "Ah crap."
Warlock: "That's way too many elves."
Anti-Paladin: "We can take them!"
Necro: "Wait a sec, Fluffy, dance!"
Surprisingly it worked, long enough for the Ranger to grab the horn and high-tail it out.
Later:
The Ranger and I(Necro) were camping out in a cabin in the woods we took over. We were hired by a Baron to retrieve an Eversoaking sponge, but we figured it was more valuable to sell then the reward we were offered, so we kept it.
The Baron put out a price on our heads(5000 gp each)(Ranger, Me, Anti-Paladin)
However, the Anti-Paladin(Moe) wanted to change his character, and rejoin the party; this followed:
Unknown voice: "Hail!"
Necro: "The hell?"
Ranger and I peer out the front window and see a Ranger standing there.
Ranger: "What do you want?"
Moe: "The Baron has a price on your heads!"
Necro: "Oh really?"
Moe: "But I can profit more by you being alive then dead."
Ranger: "How's that?"
Moe: "By killing you and taking your heads to the Baron."
Ranger: "So your going to profit more by keeping us alive, by killing us?"
Moe: "Look what happened to your friend!"
At this point, Moe hurls the head of the warforged anti-paladin through the window.
Necro: "Wasn't there a price on our heads?"
Ranger: "Yah, 5000 gps each."
Necro, calling out Moe: "Thanks for the 5000 gps!"
Necro(OOC): "He's not very good at joining a party, is he?"
Later campaign:
I was a CG dagger throwing halfling(playing him like a kender), Moe was the Werebear, Crispy_Spellthief was a spellthief, Dave was a Ranger.
We were getting our butts kicked, and Dave and I fell back to a deeper part of the cavern.
Me: "Well, I can't get close enough to attack, so I suppose I'll do a little dance."
DM: "If you do that, the enemies might hear you."
Me: "Good point! I'll make a Move Silently check first!" *rolls* 33?
DM: "Yup!"
Me: "Cool. Perform(dancing) check." *rolls* "Hmmm, Natural 1."
Me: "I attempt to do a little jig, trip over my foot and WITHOUT MAKING A SOUND faceplant the cavern floor."
Kawheek: No torches. They're noisy.
All:
(It turned out he was talking about the sputtering and sparking, but considering that the rest of the place is lit by torch and they just finished FIGHTING GUARDS without waking anyone up...)
Rogue: We need to trigger the trap somehow.
Fighter: Throw something at it maybe?
Rogue: It has to be something living though, or it won't work.
Wizard: I could summon something. But i dont have the spell memorized...
Fighter: No worries... *pushes wizard into trap*
DM: Level one and only 200+ hp?
PW: Yeah he's some sort of an avatar/demi-god or whatever
DM: I notice he could roll a natural one and still hit anything that's in the mid- level 40's.
Somehow this guy makes really good characters without powergaming. His PW does between 16-29 damage on an attack. At level 2.
"We lost the Artifacts? Darn, im just like everyone else now..."
Big Bad Evil Guy
----------------
(player/Paladin of helm with a continual light cast on his helmet) "The Light of Helm shall NEVER be extinguished!"
(NPC Casts darkness, cancelling the light spell)
(Player) "The Light of Helm has been extinguished! Die evil thing!"
***
A group of epic level characters are traveling through an undead nation and they come across a pile of swords that just happened to be a heavily modified ragewind (monster manual II, page 173). The cleric steps foreward and activates his cube of force, encompassing all party members except the rogue. The rogue panics and screams " What the hell are you doing? I'm gonna die out here." The dm then asks which force effect he used with his cube and the cleric says he uses the 3rd face which keeps all living matter in and out of the cube. So the large UNDEAD flies over the cube of force, starts spinning the blades around in a whirlwind and descends into the cube of force like a GIANT BLENDER. All party members in the cube dies except the monk forsaker who made every save and had dr. The rogue then looks to the cleric and says "Thank god man. You just saved my character." All the forsaker could say was: "Did it just get windy in here?"
***
Playing as pirates in a Star Wars Campaign, we had our Loud-mouthed Scoundrel in the communications station. He addressed our targets and their escorts in a heavily british accent, informing them that they had just a little time in which to surrender, and that if they did so immediately, they could have some tea and biscuits, which he had personally made just recently, and that they were still warm. Needless to say, they did not surrender. Just before the last of the escort was destroyed, he broadcast in open "This is your last chance to surrender, as the biscuits are getting cold. They are really very excellent biscuits." The last of the resistance died without any idea just how good they were. [Try picturing it in the accent]
***
A true neutral balancer druid named Bjorn was enlisted by the paladins to aid in the destruction of an evil being endangering the balance of good and evil. He complied, and the fiend was defeated.
DM: Bjorn, you feel the balance of good and evil shift. Now good is ascendant.
Bjorn the Druid: How ascendant?
DM: Very strongly.
Bjorn: About as much as that 10 HD Paladin over there?
DM: About that, yeah. Why?
Bjorn: "Oh (Random 10 HD Paladin), look over there!"
Paladin: "Where?" *Idiot looks over there (away from Bjorn)*
Bjorn: "Whacky, Whacky, Ahh!" [Read the earlier posts on this thread if you don't get it]
Paladin: "Gurgle" *dies*
Cleric of Goodness, and longtime associate of Bjorn: "Bjorn! What the HELL did you just do?"
Bjorn: "I'm preserving the Balance."
*DM Laughs*
***
The Great Wizard Saryon, who was secretly a lich, in the midst of an army, and had cast a modified Fumble(1st ed. spell) to have a 20' radius: [Using a scratchy, old man's voice] "IIIII am the Great Wizard Saryon. You have Three choices: One: You all become my slaves. Two: I kill you all. Three: We all have a veeerrry bad day." The soldiers choose to attack. Those who did not fall on their faces, or slip in the desert sand, failed to penetrate the lich's damage reduction.
Needless to say, they had a veeerry bad day...
When the highway guards in the United Alliance were confronted by a little old man in robes and carrying a staff of glass, they naturally wanted to know who he was.
Guard: "Who the hell are you?"
The Great Wizard Saryon: "IIIII, am the Great Wizard Saryon.*Casts Charm Monster*
The guard stands there unaffected.
The Great Wizard Saryon (OOC): What the hell? he wasn't affected!
DM: You notice that his helm is strangely magical
The Great Wizard Saryon: *Casts Telekinesis on the helmet, levitates it off of the guard's head, then recasts charm person*.
When an invading army attacks the kingdom of Lyreven, The Great Wizard Saryon was there.
Great Wizard Saryon To invading army: "IIIII am the Great Wizard Saryon, and this is my entourage. [The entourage included the king of that kingdom, the high sorcerer, and The Head Paladin of the Realm]. You will not be allowed to pass!
They didn't pass.
The Great Wizard Saryon, having gained some notoriety, found himself in the course of his travels in the lair of a silver dragon.
Great Wizard Saryon: "IIIII am the Great Wizard S--
Silver Dragon Patriarch(interrupting): "WE KNOW!!"
-------------
Dar the not-so-intelligent sorceror and his party (The Great Wizard Saryon and the fighter Kai) were in a city beseiged by dragons. He managed to injure one of the dragons' wings and it hit the ground, surrounded by the fighter and some NPC Paladins.
The next round, without looking to see how it was doing, just wanting to kill as many dragons as possible, he looked around to see where other dragons were. Seeing three close together, I Asked the DM if they were close enough for a Chain Lightning.
Fighter: You realize you're hanging 100 feet above the rest of us and this dragon's not dead, and now you want to **** off 3 more?
DM: Make an int check.
ME: Nat 1....
DM(In an excited voice) YEAH! They're in range!!
ME: I cast Chain lightning.
Then Dar looks down and sees the dragon below him cleaving through half the npc paladins fighting him, and looks up to see three dragons charging him..
Weird part is I survived, we actually won that one!
*****
Druid -- How come the emperor wanted to talk to only you?
Rogue -- Well, I have a friend in this Unseen Guard...
Druid -- The guy didn't say anything about an "Unseen Guard", he just said "Guard". What's the Unseen Guard.
Rogue -- Uhhh...
I said Unci. That's my friend's name. And she's in the guard. Druid -- Right... I pull out a long white candle and light it.
DM --
These are the candles of truth, aren't they? To rogue You can't tell a lie now. Rogue --
spills her gutsDruid --
A GRAY bag of tricks??!! What the **** am I supposed to do with a GRAY bag of tricks? Throw a gerbil at someone? DM -- Hey, you stick a gerbil down someone's pants and they'll be distracted long enough for you to do something. :D
Druid --
Druid --
DM -- Hey, you stick a gerbil down someone's pants and they'll be distracted long enough for you to do something. :D
Druid --
/me goes to create 10th level rogue with maxed out ranks in Sleight of Hand and a bag of tricks.
I wonder if someone with a gerbil in their pants would lose their dex bonus to ac?
Me: OOOh, a [poop] dragon!!!
---
Cleric (Of Kord, no less): I charge the door open!
Me (DM): Okay. Assistant DM, what's the DC for a stone door?
Cleric: What?!? I thought it was made of wood!
Me: I said it was made of stone. Wizard towers aren't made of wood, it isn't proper!
Assistant DM/Rules Lawyer: Lets count this as Masonry... 35 DC.
Me: What's your strength mod again?
Cleric: +3... I fail
*We made him roll anyway, and fail*
Me: Okay! You take 2d6 non-lethal damage from banging yourself against the stone... 9 damage.
Cleric: Great, I'm staggered now.
Me: A child saw you ram the door and thinks it might be fun to do the same thing. He rams the door, but hits you instead, knocking you into the door. You take *rolls* 2 non-lethal, the child takes *rolls* 6 non-lethal, both of you fall unconscious.
Cleric:
Me: Just so you know, it wasn't locked, you could've opened it.
Cleric:
---
Cleric: So I've made friends with the half-orc barbarian, there's nobody at the counter due to the celebration of the winner of the gladiator match we both lost [no killing rule] and we want a drink.
Me: Yep
Cleric: Can I break the counter and scream out for a drink?
Me: DC and hardness for table? It's wooden.
Rules Lawyer: 23. [turns out I don't think he was right that time, but meh]
Me: Roll strength.
Cleric: *rolls* darn, 18.
Me: nobody listens to you as you fail to break the table.
Cleric: I try again. *rolls* 20! but no...
Me: This time, your new friend decides to help you as you both smack the table. You roll combined scores of... *rolls* 36. The table splinters under the force, both your fists where a large chunk of it used to be.
Cleric: *mimics the action* CAN WE PLEASE GET A DRINK!?!
Me: *rolls* the room falls in silence at your sudden outburst, then someone in the inn shouts, "I'll shout them!"
---
[In the before-mentioned gladiator match...]
Cleric: I see the half-orc barbarian? [that always brags about how he can beat ANYONE] I attack!!! *Rolls* 15. Did I hit?
Me: Nope! :D
Cleric: What?!?
Me: [after the others had their bit] okay, the half-orc attacks you... *rolls* and hits! *rolls* you're down.
Cleric: What?!?
that was barely the second round of the match and I'm already out...---
[Cleaning the basement of spiders. About 2k of them.]
Me: You enter the basement-anyone have low-light vision for the Cleric's light spell he cast on his hand? [nobody] Okay, might as well make spot checks anyway. [only cleric passes] Cleric sees a patch on the other side of the basement blackened by moving things. Roll Init, Cleric reacts first though.
Cleric: [first round] I cast summon monster [for the first time] I pick... BADGER!
Me: badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushrooom mushrooom! badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger... sorry. Yeah, a badger comes next round.
Wizard: I cast detect magic.
Me: WTF? there are enemies here! Fine, you sense a faint glimmer of magic coming from the far left corner of the basement.
Wizard: I'm getting that magic thing next round. [Implied: Screw my party members, they can die for the hell I care]
[fast forward]
Wizard: I'm out of spells? I'm useless now...
Me: Something you have... called... a weapon.
Wizard: What? I've got no weapons!
Me: Your shortbow?
Wizard: Like that's any good. Fine, I shoot with the shortbow.
Me: You... hit! For... enough damage to kill all the spiders.
Wizard: How the heck does that work?!?
Me:..... you.... the arrow see...... it splintered upon landing and all the splinters killed the spiders... yes.....
---
[leveled up the Paladin!]
Me: so you now have Lay on Hands.
Cleric's player: Oh dear god! "I want to cast Lay on Hands on myself."
Assistant DM: what's wrong with that?
Cleric's player: Think about it! Lay on hands! [starts acting it out, i won't describe it]
Assistant DM:
WTF...?Cleric's player: see? Lay on Hands is probably the worse of the healing things. Potion? Sure, I'm good! Cure Light Wounds? That's cool too! Lay on Hands? Ew! No thanks.
Me: Okay, shut up.
Player: No I mean a male woman.
DM (Me): Oh this is so going on the wizard board.
What can I say it was late, I was tired.
Bob: (to members of joined party) You will find that Tymora favors my adventuring companions with great luck.
Jim: Really? Is that why Forman is dead from a giant? Or perhaps the time you accidently knocked Tirol off that cliff where he fell to his death? Or maybe Thomas who was eaten by the dragon?
Bob: Um, well... yes. WE'RE still alive however!
Jim: Riiiiight.
*Lifts head out of the muck* "Wh...where are my bones?"
Classic.
(Paraphrase of an out-of-character remark)
"Clearly you realise that if you try to escape us in your present condition, you'll only fall over in an even worse state. Even then, you have no hope of outrunning our mounted mage. As such, I propose that you spend a few moments of your time to heed my words."
"It is clear that having been raised in such a dark world, tainted by evil, you may have fallen astray. Perhaps you have succumbed to the evil influences of your peers? Nonetheless, I offer you this opportunity to redeem yourself in my sight."
-Warforged Paladin attempting to redeem an ogre
We were starting to play Dark Sun (I was GM), and i asked one of the players:
me: Kurgan, what class will you be?
Kurgan: Abyssal Bard.
me: What the h*ll is that!?
K: Bard which plays in lower planes, in front of deamons. He can wear full plate armor.
me: You want to say that you want full plate?
K: Yes.
me: On Athas, metal is extremely rare ("More precious than water"), WHERE did you get it?
K: I got it in lower planes, from Demons.
me (running out of arguments): OK, lets say you have full plate, you'll die in hour on 60 celsius, out in the sun.
K: I could have 1st or 2nd level spell which'll enable me to survive.
And so on, and so on, until friend finally said:"Kurgan, i'll hit you!"
Whoa, and here I thought that I had come up with the name Kurgan..... You must admit though, it's a great name.
Kurgan is the main antagonist in the movie "The Highlander". In the series, his history was expanded and he was actually one of the 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse (together with Methos, who was Death).
I thought Methos was a breath mint..."the Freshmaker!"
"Wait a sec, Fluffy, dance!"
thriller, thriller night?!:P
Anywhos, this one happened last night. We're in a cavern and the party rogue has found a glyph that he's not sure he can disarm. There's no other way around it as this is the last passage to explore. It's worth mentioning that the DM uses some homebrew creatures to mix things up. One creature is a zombie that has a touch attack to infect you with a type of worm. Even when you kill the zombies, the worms are still alive (unless you torch the whole thing).
Rogue (to the party): I'm not sure that I can disarm this one.
Sorc (OOC): Do I have Dispel Magic yet?
Nope.Me: Wait a sec. These glyphs get set off when something moves past them, right?
Party: Yeah?
Me: So what if we throw a rock past there?
Cleric: It has to be person-sized.
Me: So what if we throw someone past there?
Party (looking worried, especially the Rogue): It will set it off.
Me: So how about we grab one of those zombie corpses from a ways back and toss it through.
Party (looks a little less worried)
DM: So let me get this straight, you pick up the corpse of a creature that is infected with a parasite that can infect you by touch, and has already infected the fighter to an effect you don't even know yet...and throw it past the glyph?
Me: Oh...yeah...hrmm....hey guys, what else have we killed lately? :D
Maybe you had to be there...
Same adventure...there's also a Wraith (or something like that) floating around the cave. Our overzealous cleric charges the thing head on before the fighters can get into position to move in for a flank.
Cleric: I charge and attack, *rolls* and hit AC -whatever-
DM: Miss. He attacks you...*rolls*...and hits...make a fort save.
Cleric: *rolls some low number*
DM: Take *rolls* 4 con damage...permanent.
Cleric: ****...I turn it. *rolls high*
DM: The creature screeches and vanishes through a nearby wall.
Us: Holy crap, you should have let the fighters take him on.
Cleric: Pfft...I took care of it.
Later on...we are in the middle of the final BBEG battle...
DM: From the floor emerges the spectral creature from before.
Cleric (to the fighters who were busy taking on the BBEG): I got it!
Me:
:DCleric: I move in and attack. *rolls* I hit AC -whatever-
DM: That's a hit...roll for concealment.
Cleric: *rolls high* Damn, I miss...
DM (later on in the round): Ok, the creature attacks you (cleric). *rolls* He hits, make a fort save.
Cleric: *rolls lower than before* Oi...how much damage now.
DM: Take 6 con damage.
*next round*
Cleric (reduced to a Con of 4, and 7/10hp): Crap...I turn him. *rolls high*
DM: The creature disappears through the floor.
Mage: It's going to be back in ten rounds when the turn wears off, huh?
DM: *shrugs*
*battle ends and the 10 rounds has passed*
Party: Ok, let's get ready.
*waits a few more rounds, nothing happens*
Cleric: *sheepish grin* See, I took care of it!
Example: We walked down the hall(sp)
what does it mean when someone puts "(sp)" after something they said?
Example: We walked down the hall(sp)
means they're too lazy to spellcheck their own work. (sp) or (sp?) notes that the poster isn't sure of spelling.
;)
Bartleby
Then theirs those fo us that just don't care and tend to let poeple just figure things out on thay're own.
;)
Bartleby
:heehee
Bartleby is an awesome speller, just ask Kitten! :D
Cam
means they're too lazy to spellcheck their own work. (sp) or (sp?) notes that the poster isn't sure of spelling.
Yes and hopefully no one has to use it for the word "hall". :D
DM: Alright, so where do you go now?
Paladin: Let's go after him, we need the money, we havent slept in an inn for months!
Ranger: Forget it! I like sleeping under the starry sky.
Cleric: Let's go for it, I need Maxi Pads!
Ranger: All right then lets go
Cleric: But wait, won't I leave a trail?
DM: You are wearing panties aren't you?
Cleric:
Everyone (Cleric too):
Then theirs those fo us that just don't care and tend to let poeple just figure things out on thay're own.
;)
Bartleby
:headexplo
Closest smiley to the pain I feel when you do this to me.
The party (wizard, archer, ranger, fighter/barbarian/ranger, cleric/rogue & bard/seducer) is forced to spent a few days in a town. They use the time making items, buying and selling stuff. At the end of the week, they're all pretty low on money and discussing ways to restock.
Wizard to bard:
"So go, sing in some tavern, after all you're the only one of us who has a real profession."
Nice! Bard saves the day...which reminds me of a bard incident that happened a year ago.
I played a bard (for a short while) and didn't really get to know much about the class because I switched off pretty quick. He was a CN bard who (as part of the character) was a little off in the head (I like playing characters who are a little loony).
In one of our earliest adventures, our fighter got geased (lesser) into service of our "employer". Being such a low level (we were level 2) and flat broke, we couldn't afford/cast a dispel, remove curse, etc...
So we play through this adventure, and it's gruelling. By the time we come back, we were a mess. The rogue, especially, had been seriously poisoned and lost a good deal of Con and Dex (had some really bad Disable Device rolls and fort saves). The Fighter wasn't in good shape either as he ignored the geas at first and took some ability damage, which made the adventure -much- more difficult. The cleric had been reduced to unconsciousness a couple times and we used all our potions of healing, just so we could keep a healer around. Long story short, we were trashed.
Not being familiar with bards, I had realized (from browsing the PHB) halfway through the adventure that I could have just dispeled the geas with my countersong (one of the few spells it's good for). I could have said something, but I held my tongue. I did this partly because the other players don't have much respect for the bard class, and mostly because the following is exactly what my character would do...
It's the end of the adventure, the geas is lifted, and we're recouping at an inn trying to regain hp, ability points, etc. There's a lull in the conversation, and I chime in:
Bard - Wow! It's a good thing that I didn't countersong that nasty spell, 'cause then we wouldn't have had such an exciting adventure!!! :D
(I've finally caught up with this thread...)
Bard - Wow! It's a good thing that I didn't countersong that nasty spell, 'cause then we wouldn't have had such an exciting adventure!!! :D
Classic Kender line!Rogue: "I go up and touch the Pedastool and pull the staff out."
-----------
Warmage: "I shall die valiantly!"
Ninja: "Well then... Seeya. *Planar Shift Scroll*"
-----------
Fighter: " About 6 enemies, if we fight 'em smart, we can win."
Spellthief: " ..? Alright, I'm back chums, lets do this, LEEERRROOOOYY JEEEKKIIIINNNSSS!"
*really happened*
Bard - Wow! It's a good thing that I didn't countersong that nasty spell, 'cause then we wouldn't have had such an exciting adventure!!! :D
LOL! That is SO abusive! Did the DM immediately declare countersong wouldn't help against geases? Because I would have*.
*For the record, using geas to make your players go on a mission reeks of bad DMing, so it would serve him right to spring this on him.
The would be thief insists that he's never heard of Olidimarra or the symbol (this wasn't plot related, it was just the player being a jackass). The two characters argue for a minute while Zyusi recovers from the first drink while resisting the urge to draw her weapon against the idiot arguing with her companion. The idiocy continues and Zyusi orders a second drink, slams it down (she's already drunk from the first one, not being very large or having a strong tolerance to alcohol), grabs her large shield (which has the holy symbol of Wee Jas painted boldly on its entire front), and steps over to the other two, just as Tesa gets sufficiently annoyed and slaps him across the face.
Zyusi: Hey! You don't recognize that symbol? *pointing to Tesa's brooch*
Idiot: No, never seen it before.
Zyusi: Do you recognize this one? *holding her shield up inches from his face*
Idiot: Umm, no?
Zyusi: Maybe you need a closer look! *to DM, while rolling: "shield bash"*
DM: *noting the high roll* The drunk little girl smashes you in the face with her shield and you fall on your ass. Several customers and the bouncers briefly observe this, but all figure it to be just a case of an uncultured punk being taught manners by the two young ladies standing over you and turn away disinterestedly, some with a slight smirk of amusement.
Maybe it was funnier to us at the time. I was the the player of Zyusi (as normal practice when gender isn't important to the character concept I come up with, I rolled a die for gender and this one came up female) and had fun with roleplaying how she could barely stand up after the third drink kicked in (she ordered another on the way out) and the extreme hangover the next day and her swearing off hard liquor for life. The DM had fun with pointing out how loud the trumpets were during a visiting dognitary's fanfare as poor little Zyusi held her ears in pain.
Classic Kender line!
God bless Kender... here's a
LOL! That is SO abusive! Did the DM immediately declare countersong wouldn't help against geases?
Never even came up until the end when I made that comment. Countersong works against Lesser Geas (it's a language dependent spell that allows a save). It's actually the main reason he used Lesser Geas rather than Geas (proper). He knew I could do it, and wondered why I didn't (after the fact). He would never railroad us into a quest, and only had that encounter to introduce a new NPC (who later became a BBEG). His was figuring that I'd dispel the Geas (hence giving the Bard a chance to save the day) and we'd move on to other things. Instead he had to make up an impromptu adventure. :D
It's just that over on the "1001 Stupid House Rules" thread, a whole lot of the entries revolve around being geased to go complete mission X, and the geas turning out to be unbreakable when they tried to escape their fate...
It's just that over on the "1001 Stupid House Rules" thread, a whole lot of the entries revolve around being geased to go complete mission X, and the geas turning out to be unbreakable when they tried to escape their fate...
You know, I never really liked the geas spells, partly for that reason. It's not terribly useful for a decent DM who knows better than to railroad a party into quests. As for the PCs using, it just seems a little lame (though probably rather decent for evil PCs).
I'd never use it though.
Metagaming...
I just remembered a group I played with about 5 years ago. The group was pretty lame (even the DM) except for one other player, that tried to make the best of it. There was no role-playing, it was essentially just Diablo on paper. And the metagaming was horrible. This player would try to thwart it as much as he could. Some of the lines were pretty funny. One conversation in particular stands out, and went a little something like this:
Metagaming Player: Hold on a sec, let me see your character sheet.
Roleplayer: Character sheet? What's that? Some kind of linen?
Metagamer: Ha, ha, pass it over. I want to check something out.
Roleplayer: Pass what over?
Metagamer: Your character sheet!
Roleplayer: Are you ok? Should we see a cleric?
Metagamer: I just want to see what spells you have.
Roleplayer: I've never heard of a Ranger (the metagamer's character), that could cast a wizard's spells. I most certainly am not the type to pass my spellbook around for people to gawk at.
Metagamer: Stop messing around. I just want to make sure we're prepared for the next adventure. *evil metagaming* I have a feeling that the DM is going to throw some undead at us.
Roleplayer: The diem? Who or what is a diem? Is it a necromancer? And how can you tell the future like that? That's AMAZING!!! :D
And this guy could keep it going indefinitely, and in character...he was a lot of fun to play with.
Bar Keep: Not for 30 miles back at the village. Sorry.
Dwarf: Any elves then? They're close enough.
=========
King: Please find my daughter. She is to be married to the prince of a neighboring land!
Theif: Does that mean she's supposed to come back still a virgin?
=========
Paladin: Ok, then it's agreed. Dwarf, you'll hold the right flank. Wizard hit 'em with your best spells and watch for friends. Ranger, take the left flank from high ground and pepper them with arrows. Rogue, stay back and come on in behind any who get through and keep the orcs off of the wizard. I'll take the fight straight down their throat. Cleric follow close in behind me.
Rogue: Ah, I wanna charge too!
Paladin: Ok Rogue run side by side with me. Cleric, watch your step and don't use the rogue's body for more secure footing.
As for the PCs using, it just seems a little lame (though probably rather decent for evil PCs).
Oh I don't know I DM'ed a group where the enchantress caught a pickpocket and rather than turning him over to the guard geased him to sample all the beer in town (a metropolis) and report back to her. She even gave him some cash to get started. So now this town has a resident beer critic – he has turned it into his profession, writing reviews to be published in all the local newspapers.
The geas only lasted a few days but it is such a great "local color" for my city that I kept him going long after the geas ran out.
:D
1. After just arriving in town and turning up a few Gather Information checks on their leads...
Gnome Stableboy: Wow, a rich and important looking man like you must be in town for the Ambassador's Ball!
Sorcerer: (having no idea what he's talking about but playing along) I might make an appearance at the Ambassador's little soiree, I haven't talked to him in years. He still throws those silly little parties does he?
Stableboy: You, uh, know Ambassador Krell, do you?
Sorcerer: Of course, we go way back, him and me.
Stableboy: Well then...I'm sure she will be thrilled to see you tonight.
Sorceror:
2. Later that same night, after being caught in the middle of a huge fight at the ball after which they were stuck having to account for the incident to the guards who arrived on scene...
Sorceror: I can explain everything!
Guard: Please do.
Sorceror: Well, see, we came here because of this note we found on a dead guy-
Guard: A dead guy?
Sorceror: Well, he wasn't dead when we found him.
Rest of Group:
Sorceror: And there this note on his body, this note right here-
Guard: Is that written in blood?!
Sorceror: Yes...oh, but don't worry, it's not any of ours!
Rest of Group:
Guard: So you came here and started a fight in the middle of the embassy on account of a note that was written in someone else's blood that belonged to a guy who wasn't dead before you met him but is dead now, is that your story?
Sorceror: Well, see, there's a little more to it than that...look, how does 100 gold sound?
Rest of Group:
3. Hours later, after being caught stowed away on an airship and being debriefed by the captain...
Sorceror: Okay, we're really really sorry, but we had to sneak aboard your ship because we had to get out of town before we were arrested for starting a fight at Ambassador Krell's masquerade ball.
Rest of Group:
Sorceror: But it wasn't our fault! These guards tried to arrest us because our Ranger friend here is a wanted criminal with a 500 gold piece bounty on his head.
Rest of Group: :headexplo
Ranger:
Sorceror: And we were going to just come and ask you if we could book passage at the last minute but we had to kill all these Gnomes out on the dock...
Rest of Group:
Sorceror: But we didn't mean to! They were being mind controlled, by this renegade spy who we're tracking, but he's also a vampire, see, and that's why we took all the blame for the fight at the embassy because he just turned into mist and flew off. So you see it all makes perfect sense, right? Right?
Ranger: All that Charisma must be purely looks.
Rest of Group:
Also, on the subject of that bounty on the Ranger, he was complaining at one point about having less money than the rest of the group...
Ranger: Yeah, must be nice for the guys with thousands of gold pieces, just buy your way into anything...
Rogue: Well, if you're sick of being so broke all the time, walk into the Magistrate's office and turn yourself in, you'll have 500 gold.
Sorceror: BURN! :P
:evillaugh :heehee And many more...
IDIOTIC SORCERER!
Ok he only did the first one and didn't screw up quite as much
Sorceror: But it wasn't our fault! These guards tried to arrest us because our Ranger friend here is a wanted criminal with a 500 gold piece bounty on his head.
It just gets worse and worse! Someone tell him to stop being so honest!Mental note: Anyone named Krell is a woman.
That same Sorceror had not one but three near-drownings that particular game, leading us all to speculate as to what had spent more time in his mouth, seawater or his foot.
Setting: Church of Nerull
DM: There is a creature standing on the altar in the shadows. Roll.
*Group rolls initiative and goes through turns, finding out its a devourer*
[My turn, devourer is nearly dead but thrashing and being a menace.]
Me: I'm going to try and strangle it with my bedroll since I dont have a chain.
DM: *chuckles, knowing I won't do anything* Ok, roll.
Me: *Rolls natural 20*
DM: Raven gets on the altar, climbs on the devourer and you see a bedroll tight around its neck. *Group then begins laughing and madly threshing with it with chains and weapons as I hold it back with bedroll*
Not really funny lines, just a hilarious moment. I've been one to use my bedroll or items in odd ways.
On our sailing ship:
Rogue, Citra: I'm going to bunk with Clyde since all the beds are taken.
[NPC] Clyde: *Moves over for the Rogue, who must have unintentionally forgotten her clothes.*
Me, Raven: Hey Citra, want to borrow my Ride and Handle Animal skills for awhile? ;)
Rogue: *Laughs and accepts, before, well, you know.*
Fighter: " About 6 enemies, if we fight 'em smart, we can win."
Spellthief: " ..? Alright, I'm back chums, lets do this, LEEERRROOOOYY JEEEKKIIIINNNSSS!"
*really happened*
Dude, isn't that from an infamous video from some FF11 adventure gone wrong? :D My group has seen it and we used it once in our last gaming session.
DM: "Your hearing check alerts you that there's a kobold yapping from the barn."
Vincent: "Okay, Lyle you go chase the kobold that jumped out the window. I'll take on the one in the barn."
Mira: "Um... but the kobold jumped out a second story window. I can't believe he'd be walking very fast."
Vincent: "Then it'll be easier for our halfling to catch. Let's go, LEEERRROOOYYY!"
Party: "LOL!"
Xuul (Nercomancer)"We need your help in attacking this demon when I break the summoning circle."
Jarvis (Forsaker) "Uhh...why? I mean its just going to leave when you break the circle."
Xuul "Jarvis...you know how there are some things I know more about than you?"
JArvis "Uhh...yeah...that's like...everything."
Xuul "Yes...and this is one of those times."
Druid -- Woodland stride! I walk through the rosebushes!
Halfling -- Wait!
DM -- Too late, she dissappears into the hedge. (to druid) You come out behind a trio of people in armor. Roll move silently.
Druid -- A 1.
DM -- They spin around to face you with their weapons drawn.
Druid -- Uhh.. (points to the walls) There are people climbing the ramparts! Go stop them!
DM --
Roll a bluff check for them not to notice you just passed through an impenetrable rose hedge. Druid -- An 11.
DM -- (rolls)
Two of them start running towards the wall. The other advances on you with his sword drawn. Druid -- I hit him with my Shocking Burst longsword. He takes 4 points piercing, 5 points shocking... :D Then I step back through the hedges.
Halfling --
Awesome. Rose bush guerilla warfare! I wanna do it too! DM --
Dude, isn't that from an infamous video from some FF11 adventure gone wrong? :D
World of Warcraft
Druid -- Woodland stride! I walk through the rosebushes!
Halfling -- Wait!
DM -- Too late, she dissappears into the hedge. (to druid) You come out behind a trio of people in armor. Roll move silently.
Druid -- A 1.
DM -- They spin around to face you with their weapons drawn.
Druid -- Uhh.. (points to the walls) There are people climbing the ramparts! Go stop them!
DM --
Druid -- An 11.
DM -- (rolls)
Druid -- I hit him with my Shocking Burst longsword. He takes 4 points piercing, 5 points shocking... :D Then I step back through the hedges.
Halfling --
She forgets some important details. The party has been provided tabards marking them as the personal guard of the ursurper's new general. (definitely aided the bluff check). Also, moments after the druid comes back through the hedge, two soldiers come running around the end of the hedge to attack the party, just as the druid instructed. Meanwhile, the third, un-bluffed soldier is sneaking around the other way. He successfully sneak-attacked the party while they fought the first two soldiers.
Bartleby
(p.s. Sig now includes a party roster.)
Blue Jester (Mysterious NPC currently running who seems capable of everything despite being a little kid): "You look at the world and see it as it unfolds, I prefer a more interesting perspective"
Player of an elf Monk: "I won't resurrect them, but I'll loot their bodies and put them in funny positions"
Player of a tongue-less Rogue: "We've still got my girlfriend's body in the freezer don't we?"
Morganth (68th Wizard): "Just peer into that cave and tell me what you can see"
Halfing Hireling (:P): "I don't know, it seems really red" #massive plume of flame incinerates halfling#
Morganth: "Must be a juvenile red dragon, no problem" #halfling's charred remains drop to the floor#
Player of a human ranger on a rescue mission: "Can I use my rope to rig up a pulley system so he salutes when someone comes past?" (After killing a guard and wondering what to do with the body)
Wizard: "I mage hand it toward us and put it on the ground in front of us."
DM: "It's covered with many runes, and some of them are shining. The outside has an intricate engraving on it, which seems to be some language."
Rogue: "I turn over the plate."
DM: "As your fingers touch the plate, they suffer minor burns."
Cleric: "I get the brown bag."
DM: "That's only got food in it."
Cleric: "I cast create water and pour cornmeal on it to make pancakes."
Cleric: "I cast create water and pour cornmeal on it to make pancakes."
Cornmeal Pancakes? Gotta live on something. Kudos to the cleric for a good "Johnny on the spot" idea.
confused: I cast prestidigitation to make him smell like flowers.
me: "Damnit! Now I smell like an elf."
All the elves in the pub glare at me.
confused: I cast it again to turn him pink.
me: "I hate you."
This happened in my online campaign recently:
DM (Me): Alright, roll initiative.
Diego (human fighter): 21. The dice love me.
Talariel (Elf wizard): 22.
Diego: The dice love you more.
Hopefully the witty banter will get better when we're out of the first dungeon and into a city.
BTW where does the anthro baleen whale come form?
It comes from Savage Species, image a whale now imagine a human, now imagine a combination of them.
Bumpity bump ti bump...
DM -- So, tonight the Emperor is going to lead you downstairs and pull out the rod for all of you to swear on.
Me -- Umm... You may want to describe that a bit more cinematically when the time comes...
DM -- Why?
Me -- I can hear it now... "Heh heh... I touched the Emperor's Rod..."
DM -- (gets a really funny look on his face)
Me -- What?
DM -- Yeah, and after grabbing his rod and swearing you to secrecy he sticks the rod in the portal since it's the key.
Me --
(trying not to laugh) You may want to come up with a different descriptor. DM -- Like what? Staff?
[CENTER][u][i]I am the wife of the DM, and as suck,
Um...
As WHAT?!?
:D
Um...
As WHAT?!?
:D
FIXED! Mr: "I want you to touch the Emperor's Rod"
Um...
As WHAT?!?
FIXED! Mr: "I want you to touch the Emperor's Rod"
This is better then reality TV.
I too am a DM with a player wife. errrr my wife plays... D&D!!!!!! Sheesh.
Blue Pirate: "Back to Davy Jones' locker. I have a regular room."
Me: "Good to see you again sir, your regular room? Good, do you have any treasure to deposit?"
Me AS Blue Pirate: "No I haven't got any yet."
"If I'm in the middle of combat, will anyone notice a snake coming out the front of my armor?"
He was speaking of his familiar, of course
Druid -- YES!
He falls into my arms! Finally I get to do something! I cast cure moderate wounds! DM -- That would be wonderful, except it isn't your turn.
Halfling -- HA!
I drop from the ceiling and cast cure light wounds on him from the wand! Druid --
DAMMIT! DM -- He awakens, still not looking well
Druid -- Yes!
Con damage! I cast lesser restoration! Cleric -- Do you have that?
Druid -- (Checks spell list) Yes I have 2 of them.
Cleric -- And is it your turn?
Druid -- I dunno.
DM -- Fine, yes! (laughing) It's your turn.
Group Paladin: I can heal mounts... (speaking very sirius)
Dwarven Werebear: YOU WILL NOT MOUNT MY WIFE!!
We are in the middle of a dragon war, where we have sided with a village of nonviolent dragon mages. The enemy dragons are big, bad and a hell of a lot more powerful than the good dragons. On top of that, they have allied with the demons.
So, my paladin has died and is getting frustrated by the fact that the PC's are stuck allied with the weakest dragons known to D&D (they're modified brown dragons). He just finished a long rant about it, and has taken to praying by himself near a cave in the mountains when a chameleon comes out of his hole to talk to my paladin.
Because there was nothing else to do, I go along with it. Meanwhile, two other PC's are beside me and can hear my character talking, but they don't know to whom.
Eventually, one of the PC's turns to my character and asks: "Hey Ulrick (me), what are you doing over there?"
Completely straight faced, I reply, "Oh nothing, Baeldrim (who is an elven fighter/thief). Just talking to my lizard."
For the rest of the session, the elf refused to even look in my paladin's general direction
after the druid in the party kicks his bear familiar off of a cliff in hopes of killing some spiders below
me "shouldn't PETA have something to say about this?"
'Aw, ok'
*Slits her throat after knocking her unconcious*
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
*Massive Werewolve, the lord of a keep glares at the scrawny wizard coming into the room*
Wizard- Who the hell are you? What are you doing here?
Sceptre is pretty safe
I'd, ah, go with "ring" or "locket" or "statuette" or something...
Unless you just want to give up and deliberately use all the innuendo you can. "Excuse me while I... whip this out!" --Blazing Saddles
I want a wife who plays D&D too! Fortunately, I'm still single... :D
After scaring a town, the town sent them (with fly potions) to a tower above the town where none had come alive. There was rumored to be treasure and the town wanted to kill the PC's (which they didn't realize) and they went inside. After the dungeon, they killed a Wind Elemental.
DM: The Wind Elemental dissapears in a cloud of smoke and vapor. Inside it is a sword with air designs on it. The blade is a soft purple like the smoke and the walls from earlier in the tower.
Barb: I pick it up.
DM: As you pick up the weapon from behind you a hiss of air comes from behind you and you see a Wind Elemental even larger than the one you just fought.
Necro:
Oh god. In the middle of battle:
Barb: Natural 20!
DM: A burst of wind shoots from your sword as you attack, killing the elemental.
Barb:
Sweet! I'm going to name this sword and call it... Windy. I don't know why, but this was the funniest thing. Later there were two other swords, Earthy and Firey. 'Windy' became the campaigns most... campaign-based ongoing joke.
The Fighter went through 8 characters, and finally became a Sorceror or a Bard... can't remember which. He then quit playing. However...
Necro: Yes! Finally enough money to create a phylactery (this was near the end) I become a Lich!
Barb: Sweet! I become one two!
Bard: Me three!
However the Barb couldn't be a Lich so several magical items dropped from the sky. :D
It may not seem funny to you but... well... you had to be there.
Koga: The Koga thinks that IS your mommy!
Us in a campaighn involving a zombie infestation.. :P
Wizard (to DM): I forgot my dice, so I'm gonna Kender some of yours, okay?
me:
Me: I know! I wave my swords nonchalantly in front of his face....
Wizard: ...I nonchalantly give him the finger...
---
Me-"As you walk into the inn you notice--"
Assistant DM-"An Asian Hitler Samurai! He is eating soup."
Me-"Sure, whatever."
Cleric-"I go and talk to the samurai. 'Hows it going, my samurai friend?' "
Assistant DM-"The samurai is silent as he eats his soup."
Cleric-"I draw my Greatsword!"
Assistant-"The samurai, in an instant, draws his own weapons and goes 'You have insulted my honor! Now back off or dye by my blade!' He makes an intimidate check and..." *Rolls* "Succeeds!"
Cleric-"Alright, I run out of the inn screaming!" *Gets up and runs around the room screaming. We had to settle him down after that show*
---
Me- *On phone with [Player]* "Whaddo you mean you can't come because you are entertaining a guest?!?"
Player-"I invited him just yesterday, so I've got to stay here!"
Me-"Even though I organized this session two weeks ago?"
Player-"I don't see how that makes a difference. I called [Player #2] and said I wouldn't come."
Me- "[Player #2] Isn't here either!"
Player-"Well, just get [Assistant DM] to play my character."
Assistant DM- *Off the phone, shouting across the room* Over my dead body!
Me-"Fine. You can stay and entertain your guest. We will be able to play without you just fine. One last thing-I hate your guts. Have a nice day." *Hangs up*
---
Me- *On phone again* "Whaddo you mean you can't come because you don't feel like it?"
Player #2- "I just don't feel like it."
Me- "You know [Player] isn't here either. That leaves us with 2--"
Assistant DM- "3, I've decided to play a character now"
Me- "That doesn't leave me with a good argument!"
---
Wizard- "Okay, we managed to get a hostage from that last raid, the paladin managed to Lay on Hands him to consciousness, what do we do with him?"
Cleric- "I kick him!"
Me- "...make an attack roll..." *Hits* "The hostage slumps back to an unconscious state."
Paladin-
"I was going to interrogate him in a more paladin-like manner"Me- "You're going to need to heal him back to health if you want him to talk.
Paladin- "I'm out of Lay on Hands hit points"
Cleric- "I might as well Cure Light him for... 8 hp.
Me- "Great. You just rendered a hostage unconscious then healed him back to consciousness."
---
Rogue Player (previously Assistant DM)- "Guess what stats I rolled?"
Me- *Looks at them* "
Oh ****... There's nothing under a 15! I might as well tell everyone else we're going 5d6 take 3 now!" ---
Rogue- "So the hostage is sleeping on the floor in our inn room, with the Cleric downstairs? I coup de grace him." *Rolls* "Bah, only a 15..."
Paladin-
"Why would you do such a thing? That's evil!"Rogue- "My justification is that he attacked us earlier, and he is more likely to stab us in the back when we're sleep than he is to follow us blindly to the town guard."
Me- "Accepted. He's still breathing, by the way"
Rogue- "Now, you have a choice. We can heal this hostage back and have him kill us later, or we can kill him now and be done with it."
Paladin- "Moral Dilemma!"
Me-"Well, it's either let him live, for Mercy, or kill him, for Justice and he's evil."
Paladin- "I guess... Argh... Kill him."
Rogue- *Coup de grace him for death*
Cleric- "I walk back upstairs. " *IC* "Hey guys, what's going o-- SWEET MOTHER OF KORD, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!? WHO KILLED MY HOSTAGE?!?"
---
Me- "...and his equipment consists of a warhammer, a light--"
Cleric-
"Warhammer..."Me- "yeah, it's masterwork too."
Cleric- "[Me], I don't tell you how much I love you as a DM."
---
Me- "And you're all in bed, sleeping the night away."
Cleric- "And I'm cuddling up to my warhammer."
Rogue- "You know, that's even more gross than the way you interpret Lay on Hands."
---
*Background info, there are some wizards in my world that spend painstaking days trying to perfect making new spells, some more collect scrolls. The spell this wizard is making acts like an Anti-Magic Field cast on a certain target, instead it suppresses light instead of magic. However, making these spells inevitably yield explosive results...*
Me- "The aged wizard says, 'Thank you so much for this spell scroll, now my collection of 2nd level scrolls is complete... Except for the spell I'm making, of course. Time to get back to the experiment' The wizard then does various actions, and holding a piece of cloth over a lit candle, chants the words of magic. 3..."
Paladin- "RUN IT'S GOING TO BLOW!!!"
Me- "2..."
Cleric- "I dive for cover!"
Me- "1..."
Rogue- *Player crouches to scared fetal position*
Me- "The candle light vanishes. The wizard jumps about in glee, and there is no explosion."
Cleric- "Can I get off the floor yet?"
---
Cleric- "I want to go a High Five with my friend, only with our warhammers!"
*CLANG!*
---
I suppose that's about it for this session. Remember, the Asian Hitler will always stare you down...
DM (me): you see them moving firepowder (the worlds gunpowder…. yes it has firearms) from place to place, putting it on carts and moving it out to the battle field. What do you do??
Ranger: is there a lot of firepowder in one place??
DM: yes in the corner 40ft away.
Ranger: okay I jump out and attack.
DM: okay you have more DEX then them you go first. (Deferent initiative system)
Ranger: okay I will jump out and say “HELLO BOYS I’M BACK!!” and fire a flaming arrow into the firepowder
KABOOM
Aust (OOC): I won't resurrect them, but I'll loot their bodies and place them in funny positions
Arthur and Majus attempt to rescue Kami from an evil group and kill a guard
Arthur: Can I use my rope to make a pulley system so he salutes?
This was when they first started and had been reading the fine print of Morganth's work contract
Morganth: And under no circumstances, whatsoever, are you to EVER touch my daughter in any way, shape, or form, or the rest of your natural lives in the Nine Hells of Baator will be nothing compared to but 5 Minutes with Me, and a Quill
Aust & Thamior: I wanna sleep with her
DM (Me):
Morina: Hey guys! We found some wands!
Majus: What kinds?
Morganth: If they contain arcane magic, I suggest you take them. If they contain divine magic, I suggest you use them.
Morina and Blue meet for the first time (Blue BTW is only 4' 9" tall)
Morina: CUTIE!!
Blue: Oh dear
Morina: #runs up and cuddles him tightly#
Blue: Help...can't...breath...urk!
To note: Morganth is an experiment and his creator turned his daughter into the Tarrasque
Morina: I heard Maria's awake again, how's she doing this year?
Morganth: Not bad, she's been up for a few days and she's only destroyed two major cities
Morina: She's getting better then! NOW can we have a sleepover? :D
'Gold! Wheres the GOLD? GIVE ME GOLD!!!'
Rogue: NO! YOU FOOLS! ITS POISON! DON'T EAT IT!
fighter: *chomp* mmmm....This food tastes great!
wizard: yea... this food is pretty good...
Rogue: THATS WHAT THEY ALL SAY BEFORE THEY DIE!
Damnit man, you're an elf, not an undead!
DM: darn it man, you go through characters like p. diddy goes through names.
Explaining an unorthodox method of "sneak attack":
Druid: "How did you take on two orc assasins single-handedly?"
Warlock: "Well I walked up behind them while invisible, gave one a wet willie and they clocked each other."
Fighting a white dragon with voluntary penalties:
Rogue: "I can't possibally bypass this thing's armor class!"
Cleric: "Use the force!"
Rogue: "I cover my eyes and swing. I regret nothing!"
** Rogue rolls a natural 20, then confirms the critical and hits with added sneak attack damage**
Rogue: "I did it! I hit the lizard!"
DM: "The white dragon turns around to you after you poked him in the rump..."
Rogue: "... this is going to hurt lots, isn't it?"
"... this is going to hurt lots, isn't it?"
This is perhaps the single thought that is followed by laughs when vocalized in all of D&D. Granted, most of the laughing is the DM and other players and not the player of the hapless and soon to be injured character, but it's still funny almost every time. It's amazing how many ways that saying can come up.
The same character, trapped in Ravenloft, faced with a vampire, armed now with a vorpal sword. "I chop you about head and shoulders, pale round-eye!"
We are playing either whispers of the vampire's blade or shadow's of the last war (whichever one has the druid with the dire ape you have to knock out)
We all slowly assemble in the jungle so the ape doesn't see us, our party is 7 members. I rolled a 39 for intiative (we count 20's as 30).
Me: I sneak up as close to the ape as possible and hide, rolls a 25 for hide, ape rolls a three for spot
DM: are you going to do lethal or non-lethal damage?
Me: I'll get a penalty if I roll for non-lethal, I'll just peg him
--Rolls--Roll 1 (composite longbow +2) with action point.......
Me: does a 46 hit?
Dm- uhhh....uhhhh......uhhhh...yes
rolls for criticals, both confirm
Me: Crap, I could kill this thing...
28 damage
Whew
The ape charges me and tries to kill me, being an elf I'm quite afraid
rolls a 4 to hit
Me: HA HA
One of our tanks comes up and bags the ape
Other 5 players-.........we didn't even get to go.....
We all went for a nice stroll in the greenhouse. Finally, someone spotted the ape. The shifter monk climbed the tree and immediately got smacked by the monkey... nice one. :P The shifter barbarian went next, moving to the bottom of the tree, but choosing not to climb it. The ape dropped on her. In the ensuing flurry of AoOs, the ape ended up grappled after rolling a 1 and we closed in. The ape's attempted escape ended with another low roll, against all logic, so I pulled out my scroll of Sleep. I gave it a shot, knowing that the save wasn't very difficult--DC 11. The ape rolled a 1. Game over!
That's not a typo
Our had finished their latest adventure, My Brother ( A human fighter ) was doing for the king of this land. So he had to report bavk to him, naturally. He had speacial amulet that would allow him to enter the castle and see the king (high security place). What my brother didn't know was that during last battle with some thugs, was that the amulet had been stolen. It when as follows.
Robb (Fighter): I'm here to see the king.
Guard: Identification, please?
*finds out that he lost it*
Robb: uh...um.... I must of left it in my other..... Full-plate armor
* Some horribly failed bluff checks later *
*Dm is annoyed that he doesn't get the hint*
Dm:
Another guard does seem to reconize you! :D Robb: YES!! :D
Dm: You seem to fit the description of a criminal that they've been chasing :D
Robb:
um...... Oh MY Go- SWEET MOTHER OF PELOR WHAT IS THAT!!!! *points in some direction* Guards: * Looks away*
Robb: Yoink!! *runs away*
He didn't make it far because because another nearby guard succeded his grapple checks and head-locked him.
Beltran: Auren, borrow a hat of disguise and come to the temple with me. We need to go somewhere where we can make physical contact.
Most of the party:
Beltran: Auren! Did you hear me?
Cassolah: Hey Auren, (nudges player in the ribs) Take my hat of disguise. The priest wants you to look like a little boy and go with him to the temple so he can touch you!
Auren(still not fully paying attention) Huh? I can polymorph for that.
I imagine Kitten has a few others. It wasn't really a funny night as the party went after foes they weren't ready for yet, despite several warnings. Half the party died, the rest fled.
Bartleby
DM (Spanish) : You enter a room in which you feel like you're being watched. Out of the shadows the walls seem to close in on you as what you thought were the walls were acually a room lined with orcs.
Spanish Speaking Player (English) : "JUST TRY KILL GORDAN PUTAS"
He procedes to rush into the middle of the room and kill each and every single orc in the room with Rage + Great Cleave. The other players coudln't do much to help.
I just had never heard him speak English, so it was funny to hear that.
Party is in a spot where they are needing some information from some evil villian of some sort. We are out of ideas and trying to ponder what options we have. Suddenly out of no where, my sister who is playing a LG Elven cleric says "I could sleep with him!". We all start bust out laughing.
Another game, my sister is trapped in some sort of dungeon or prison. She is playing a bard (2ed), and she is getting frustrated since she can't figure a way out of the place. A couple of us suggest that she use some of her thieving abilities. She looks at all of us strangely, and says in a high voice, "I have thieving abilities?!?!" All while she picks her character sheet up and begins to examine it extra close.
On occasion I'll say these lines to her now, and she laughs though she doesn't play anymore.
The wemic had just taken the tiefling, flung him into the wall with his 36 total strangth, then scraped him off the wall to pound his gooey remains, all started due to the tiefling tapping his shoulder with a childign question.
his last words i said to him via his familiar(which happened to be his tail):
"dont poke the kitty!"
we are playing Death in Freeport and it came to the part where the PCs meet Milos. Anyways, nobody could come up with any questions to ask the man. I mean there are like half a dozen obvious ones, but I guess the synapses were not firing.
So I'm getting the feeling that they want to move on, so I just blurt out
"I guess we could roll this encounter!"
That had everyone on the floor laughing for like 10 min.
Players and DM:
Sorc player: "What....? Oh....
The pcs are:
- Deacon Resnard [aka] Frost
- Sergei Isankoff [aka] Soviet
- Wes Westington [aka] Cowboy
- Frank Grammar [aka] Sarge
- Jimmy Worth [aka] Private Jimmy (no one liked him so they wouldnt give him a nickname)
After being chased around, and numerous stand offs that result in minor injuries and the pcs once again running. The pcs are, to say the least, tired. And the running zombies are relentless. So unless they can think of something quick, thier goners. So Sergei, out of nowhere, whips out his machetee he got from a store they tried to hole up in and yells,
"Sorry, Jimmy!" and hacks out Jimmy's ankle. Jimmy tumbles to the ground and no one can do anything but keep running.
As the Zombies converge on Jimmy he yells "Damn you russian bas***d!"
Sergei responds with "In soviet russia, bas***d damns you!"
...he sure did.
Well we found a kingdom and tried to negociate with it's King there. They where barbarians and would greatly benefit from our culture and technology.
Something was wrong though and the King was not very forthcomming. Our leader Gregory the Paladin was getting impatient. Finally in frustration he calls Varis the party Ranger.
Varis: Sir?
Gregory: I'm loosing patience... I know you ALWAYS get things done, so I will ask you to arrange a meeting with the King in the next 3 days. Don't disapoint me... Varis? ::looks around:: Varis??
Varis returns that same night, reporting mission accomplished. Exactly 3 days later a frightened King appears asking Gregory's demands and begs him to spare the city.
Gregory:
What happend??King: What do you mean? One of your men infiltrated my keep, knocked all the guards out, and when I fled through a secret passage with my bodyguards in fear of my life he tracked us down like dogs and when we where at his mercy demanded I meet with you in 3 days er else!!
Gregory: :OMG! I umm.. I was hoping we could have a friendly talk to where we could build a trade relationship between our nations... and... er... hoping our nations would become friends.....
King: THIS IS HOW YOU MAKE FRIENDS??????????????
Gregory: I'm so sorry, please accept my sincerest appologies! I really didn't want this to happen.
King: I will to talk to my priests to see if it is even possible to redeem yourself. But you CAN appologize to us... In public, on your knees!!
Gregory:
ok ok I'll do it.... :surrender The King takes off and returns to his city
Gregory: VARIS!!! Report to me at ONCE!!!!
:headexplo A little later...
Kirth: (the party cleric) Greg, what happend?
Gregory: He pulled a Varis
Kirth: Heh, "pulled a Varis"... I like that
and so "pulling a Varis" has become a term for that DM in all his campaigns.
It's official meaning is : "successfully completing a task in the most outrageous manner possible"
a few weeks later we found out that the real master of that kingdom was a blue dragon and unless we would kill it, we could forget about a safe trade going on.
So we assured the King we would take care of it. Off we go to find and slay the dragon. After a LOT of searching we managed to find it's lair in the desert. We go in, a few of us die but we manage to kill the blue... until we realize that was the dragons mate. REALLY ****** the male blue flew off to our carawan and get eye for an eye.
We rush back ( but a lot slower then the dragon can fly) and return to our encamepement destroyed, hundreds dead and no sight of the rest including Gregory's children. Enraged we made our way to the barbarian city.
Gregory: Open the gate! I know you keep my people in there!
Varis: If you don't open the gate I'll kill every last one of you, burn your city to the ground and your precious Lemdendur (blue dragon) won't save you eighter!! :: takes the head of the slain female blue out of the portable hole and throws is in front of the gate::
Kirth:
Well it does look like that impressed them. Let's see what happens.Jakandor: (Figher/Paladin) Ohh they are opening the gate, good job Varis!!
The gate opens and 3000 barbarians come storming out while along the walls 15 clerics start summoning air elementals. Behind us Giant Scorpions come out of the ground.
Party:
Varis:
Chaaarrrggge!!!!!a little while later everyone in the party except Varis, Gregory, Kirth and Jakandor is dead.
Gregory and Jakandor fight back to back, Varis and Kirth fight back to back.
Kirth: You know.. I'm the trained Diplomat here... but ooh noo.. make Gregory the main diplomat and Varis the ambassador??? Great work guys....
Varis: hey now, I did my best and always carried out my missions
We ended up having to recall out of there, abandoning everyone. Of course that had a HUGE aftermath.
The enemy tribe manages to break the main gates open, but the defenders have planned for that - pulling a few poles loose opens a deep earthen pit just inside the gate, dropping a dozen enemies into it, leaving a large crowd of them facing off against us on the far edge.
The party druid has the idea of casting Soften Earth and Stone on the opposite bank to drop yet more enemies in and fill the pit with mud. However, if he's not careful he could affect the wrong area, so the DM has him roll a Wisdom check. He rolls a 1, and promptly softens a wide swath of earth that takes in not only the intended area but the support beams of the pallisade gateway on either side, causing them to start toppling over. At which point my half-orc paladin yells at him,
"You weren't supposed to blow the bloody doors off!"
Silver: "Well first of all, Mira would need the leadership feat as a prerequisite. Secondly, what dragon in their right mind, or even any followers for that matter, would follow someone who is arrogent, closed minded, and makes assuptions faster then a dot com site to fail?"
Party: "...?"
DM: "It'll certainly be amusing. Bards will probably write an epic out of it, Mira Quixote and Sancho Dragon. Mira would say 'Hey lets go kill these drow before they take over!' and the Dragon would reply 'No, they're just pixies with a sun tan.' and then Liz over there would polymorph Mira into a windmill."
Silver: "On second thought, lets do that!"
*roll*
*roll* *roll* *roll* *roll* *roll*
*roll damage*
"You see shark bits float past on the current."
The players were suitably shaken. ;)
Silver: "Well first of all, Mira would need the leadership feat as a prerequisite.
Wrongo there, chief. Go re-read the feat description. I had a Mystic Theurge who took that feat....his cohort was a little Pseudodragon with some levels of Druid.
Best cohort ever.
Last I checked, one needed the Leadership feat to get any cohort.
Dragon Cohort has two prerequisites. Character level 9 and Speak Language (Draconic). It never metions Leadeship as a prerequisite at all.
The benefit says you can gain a dragon cohort "just as if" taking a cohort with the Leadership feat.
Sounds like Dragon Cohort replaces the Leadership feat with a specific method of gaining a specific type of cohort.
Dragon Cohort has two prerequisites. Character level 9 and Speak Language (Draconic). It never metions Leadeship as a prerequisite at all.
The benefit says you can gain a dragon cohort "just as if" taking a cohort with the Leadership feat.
Sounds like Dragon Cohort replaces the Leadership feat with a specific method of gaining a specific type of cohort.
Exactly. Dragon Cohort lets you ONLY get Dragons as your cohort (and there's different scores for each of the dragons), and no followers
This feat (and the tables that go with it) are in the Draconomicon by the way, NOT the DMG. You should all go pick it up.
Barbarian(who lost his axe after he was captured by cultists, than rescued by the party): I open the wooden door.
DM: it is empty save for a skeliton chained to the wall.
Barbarian: I go to the iron door and open it
Rogue(me): NO!
Barbarian: Why not? My axe could be in there!
Rogue: Yes, but there could be something worse in there, i mean its barred shut for a reason.
Barbarian: it cant be that bad!
Rogue: Well lets think for a second, so far we've fought psycho priests, zombies, armed guards and a mummy!
Barbarian: Good point
Rogue: Thank you!
Barbarian: I open the door!
Rogue:.....
DM: Can i borrow your D4s?
Barbarian:only a d4?
DM: Now you see twelve robed men all moving their hands in the same motions and speaking the same incantaions
Rogue:*looking at the barbarians smoking corpse* Only a d4?
Player indicating the captain of the guard who has been watching his back throughout the fight and is taking on one of the traitors
Player: I Cleave into him (and dropped him)
Everyone else: :OMG!
(I, as DM, was equally taken aback even though I'd actually set it up and it made perfect sense -one of my favourite DMing moments; I can't take credit for the scenario though)
Paladin: *Falls out of heart, along with gulthius, and sees the dragon.*
Dragon: *Looks at heart, then looks at the two of them on the ground.*
Paladin:*Points at gulthius, natural 20's his bluff.* He did it!
Dragon:*Points at gulthius, gulthius explodes.*
I thought it was pretty funny at the time.
I imagine Kitten has a few others. It wasn't really a funny night as the party went after foes they weren't ready for yet, despite several warnings. Half the party died, the rest fled.
You mean like the Wizard (Auren) who went with the Halfling (Welby) and tried to talk to someone about where we could attack the bad guy?
After traversing 11 levels of bureaucratic lovliness and waiting outside someone's office, Auren, who is fond of polymorphing into a hydra, turns to Welby and says:
"I bet we could get through this bureaucracy faster if I had 11 heads."
And the Brass Dragon Disciple, on why she bit off the finger of a Blue Dragon cultist...
"It seemed like a good idea at the time." (shrug)
Party of six 1st levels, including a dwarf fighter and a human paladin, enter a room with 4 bandits. Bandits heard them coming and invite them in for a drink, hoping to get them at their ease before ambushing them. Four sneak attacks would have been nice. However, the dwarf fighter decides they've talked enough and attacks out of nowhere (before I got the bandits in proper positions). Does somewhere around 10 points of dmg with his dwarven waraxe to this 5 hp bandit with one hit. I figured the head went flying for that one. After the leader gets killed after a hit from the rogue and the ranger, it's the paladin's turn - the bandits have yet to have a turn.
Pal (OOC): I want to use diplomacy, calm the remaining bandits, stop the fight, and get some information
DM(me): Ok, what do you say?
Dwarf fighter: WE MEAN YOU NO HARM!
goliath: oh yeah? well mine is bigger!
If you'd had him chop the arm off with that you could have had a lovely pun
hehehe
in a quote that you will get NO context for!
Also, if batching about your DM can get a stickythread, why not us? Why Not The Best?
considering you don't need the leadership feat for dragon cohort......
True and I do know this, but my players are not veterans of 3.5 yet. Silver was corrected later when I showed him the feat. It's perfectly okay if they don't remember all the prerequisites for a particular feat, I end up looking it up for them anyway.
Last Saturday their memory wasn't that great either. The party was assaulting a drow tower that did two things to the forest it was in: 1) it created a shield that acted like a polarized lens that allow drow to be out in daylight without the harmful effects of light and 2) The tower can shoot a long ranged ray of fire at approaching parties.
The PCs managed to fight their way up the tower to the roof where the crystal was that created the shield. The fire shooting cannon was on room below with half the party waiting while the other half was trying to figure out how to carefully remove the crystal without breaking it nor touching it directly. So the party halfling warlock has a "brilliant" idea.
Lyle: "I throw my mace at it."
At this point the other party members on the roof simultaniously did the slow motion Leathal Weapon "Running from the explosion" as the tower roof vaporized. :D The syncronized in place running effect from them dropped me off my seat in laughter.
So, the halfling asked the cleric to cast divination on it, the question being: "How would I use you correctly?"
The response we got back evoked much laughter:
"Roses are red
And taste good with Rum
To use me Correctly
You'll need a bum"
This led to a rather interesting scene where the halfling went out, drank some rum, threw the sphere at a bum, invited said bum back to the bar to drink rum, poured rum on the sphere and the bum pour rum on the sphere...
And finally, he retired to his room for the evening...
When he awoke the next morning, the DM decreed the halfling was naked, the sphere had a happy face drawn on it as well as some extra bits drawn underneath it, the halfling's butt hurt and there was a naked bum snoring beneath the bed.
Elf Rogue: if I am that annoying at middle age...kill me.
(The warforged artificer, who doesn't like elves, places his mace on the elf's shoulder)
Warforged: I can circumvent that.
We did eventually find out that the sphere was a Green Dragon Egg with Gentle Repose and Permanancy cast on it.
I got a good quote from a long time ago, but its a very funny one so please read on!
We had a party of fairly low level PCs wandering about a country which was controlled by the clergy of Hexor. The PCs were good, but they did not really want to start anything with the tyrant lord, so they just tried to avoid the church and go about their business. They spent so much time in Hexor's land the party Barb decides he is going to sculpt a 1 foot stone statue of Hexor, so he could sell it to the Hexor worshiping zealots, out of very expensive materials. The barb had a strange player who wanted his char to be a master stone sculptor, so he maxed out ranks, got MW tools, and took skill focus craft.
He worked on this statue over a period of six month (game time, 1 month real time ) in his chars down time. Being lazy we decided to do one check at the end of every session to determine the progress of his work, he wanted the statue to very expensive so it was going to take a while to make. At the end of each session he rolled a nat 20 on his craft role! He finished after the 4 role, and I (the DM) decided that 4 20s in a row meant that the statue was of exceptional quality.
Later in the game the party manages to **** of some of the Hexorites (what a surprise), and they have to flee. The get to a small town at the edge of Hexor's land and they think they got away from the perusing clergy, so they have no problem disarming themselves and giving there weapons to the town guards.
Of course the hexorites show up that night, and try to capture the PC's. The PC ecsape the inn and try to hide in a barn. The enemy party (3 guys being lead by a cleric of Hexor) start to serch the town, eventually the cleric's party enters the barn where everyone is hiding. Somehow he manages to spot everyone except the barb, who is hiding in the hay loft part of the barn. The cleric steps up to the PC's he sees and starts giving the evil guy rant about how their weak they were and how he was going to enjoy tortureing them before they die and blah.. blah..blah. ....
While the cleric is talking the barb gets out the statue he has been working on from his backpack, and screams "Feel The Wrath of Hexor!! ", while hurling an incredibly well made statue of the Tyrant Lord at the cleric. The statue strikes true and the cleric gets nailed, after that the cleric was very confused and the party managed to get away ( I ruled he spent a full round in shock about the event).
Human Rogue: "Ah, an illousinary wall, how clever"
Dwarf Fighter: "I bet the passage way continues on the other side"
Elf Druid: "I dare that you go first dwarf!"
Dwarf Fighter: "Fine, I'll show ye!"
The cleric and wizard stood back and away just encase it was a trap. The dwarf who had 10 ranks in jump and a ring of jump +5 i think, gets a 20ft running start to jump across. As he gets to the point he rolls his jump check, A natural 20!, he says,
"Im going to superman it across" to the DM
The DM starts laughing and we are all wondering.......
DM: "You just supermanned across a 5ft across pit into a wall, you fall down 30ft into spikes" rolls "taking (can't remember) damage, are you still living?"
The player looks at his remaining HPs and subtracts the damage, "Yep Im still up"
The druid yells after hearing a large ruckus, "you okay there dwarf?"
Dwarf "Im just fine, I just jumped into a pile of treasure!"
The Rogue imediately takes a running jump but rolls a natural 1 on his jump check. he trips and falls into the pit taking damage.
The druid now asks "Whats going on?"
The rogue responds, "Oh I found the treasure alright, its going to be the dwarfs head."
So, what does your brass dragon disciple think of this? Smash it because it's evil, or start playing mother hen and try to set the "problem child" straight?
If it had been a blue dragon egg, the response would have been: "Mmm... Dragon steak!"
However, the mother hen is coming out. Especially since a Brass Dragon ate her own egg she laid. (That involved a remove curse and a magic overload)
[b]Last night I was running a "World's largest Dungeon" game... The party came across 4 dire wolves, lying in darkness. One of the party members took a biscuit to throw at the wolves. [/b]
Me -- OK, make your attack. Remember to take a penalty of -4.
Player -- Why?
Me -- Well, I know you aren't proficient with "biscuit"
Me -- OK, make your attack. Remember to take a penalty of -4.
Player -- Why?
Me -- Well, I know you aren't proficient with "biscuit"
:heehee And the second one, well, just read my quote. A character of mine actually said that to a three foot female berserker. The end result was not pretty...
"Your taste in art is questionable!"
"Tropical birds live underwater!"
"You are uncouth! UNCOUTH!!"
"Respect my personal space!"
Every time I play my CN half-orc barbarian, I try to think up battle cries that he can yell before he goes into a rage. Each of the following seems random, but is based on events that occured right before it came time to battle.
"Your taste in art is questionable!"
"Tropical birds live underwater!"
"You are uncouth! UNCOUTH!!"
"Respect my personal space!"
Okay, seriously, I'd really like to know what spawned all these. Especially "Tropical birds live underwater!".
Ranger: Let us outta here!
Rogue: First give me all your gold! :evillaugh
Dm:
Ranger: What?! No way!
Cloakshifter: You idiot, let us outta here!
Dm: The ceiling is still lowering, you can no longer stand.
Cloakshifter: Argh, give him the gold!
Rogue: Listen to the reasonable man. :evillaugh
Ranger: No way!
Rogue: Yes way! :evillaugh
Cloakshifter: QUIT FOOLING AROUND!
Rogue: THE GOLD! :evillaugh
Ranger: NO!
Dm: The ceiling has reached arse-height.
Ranger: *gives the bags to the rogue*
Rogue: *disables the trap*
Ranger: *totally whoops the Rogue's butt and takes all the gold back, plus some extras*
Cloakshifter: *slaps rogue in the face*
Rogue:
*party walks on*
These situations occur just about every session....
"Your taste in art is questionable!"
"Tropical birds live underwater!"
"You are uncouth! UNCOUTH!!"
"Respect my personal space!"
Monkeys learn sign language to tell dolphins they love them.
also, does anyone else think this thread deserves sticky?
I attack. Critical hit. The first goblin goes down.
Cleave. Very high damage roll. Another drops.
Greater Cleave. High damage again. Another goes down.
Several rolls later, our DM's jaw is on the ground as I have cleaved through five goblins in a single attack.
Following the fight, I put my hand on the Rogue's shoulder, look him straight in the eye and say,
"That's Mister Blender to you."
--our DM, ending a conversation about France.
(he looted my corpse m rNow for some other great lines.
Situation: My character a dwarven fighter had been taken captive after single handedly assaulting the gaurdshouse in a city while he was drunk. Ofcourse he was overmastered and his punishment was death by being stuffed in an icecave with 2 manticores.. Naked.. I won by letting the beasts kill eachother and spend the following day sleeping in the manticores guts(still warm, else I would have frozen to death) and making a suit of clothes and weapons with the manticores hides and teeth + spikey things on tail. I escaped from the cave and returned to the city where my party still was. Scaling the wall and running over the rooftops(agile dwarf, I actually made checks for all of that!) and ending up in the Inn my friends where staying. I climbed through the window of Witchblades room, where he was having fun with his girlfriend. So a dwarf steps into his room, fully covered in blood, wearing rags of bloody fur resembling clothes and holding in both hands a poisonous spike.
Me: Looks like your having fun there.
Witchblade: Yes yes.. you've been amusing yourself aswell I see.
Vincent: "Now what? Lyle AND Mira are both disintegrated."
Silver: "So that's about $50,000 to ressurrect them both... but we have a bigger problem. Mira may have sold half her soul to Tiamat."
Niomi: "Great, half off her ressurrection, only $12,500!"
Though the party druid makes up for it with his own cleverness:
Silver: "Can we see through the window?"
DM: "No, the window is tinted black."
Silver: "I use my rock of x-ray vision."
Apparently, the Cleric of BArtleby, the God of Chaos prayed for the hatching to happen a little quicker, so Bartleby had a hand in a speedy hatching. Unfortunately, this also led to a speedy growth phase so that, by the end of 3 days the Dragon was a large creature with the brain of a 3 day old Dragon.
The newborn Dragon was somewhat hungry, considering the considerable growth spurt... And after 2 carts of fish, would fall asleep... At first, being nervous around people, the dragon would not settle down. This led to a hissed conversation between the dragon disciple and the halfling mutt who owned the egg about getting the dragon out of the building and out of town. Hissing led to shouting and the dragon woke up and was watching the pair. The fighting stopped, and the dragon disciple crooned a draconic lullaby to the hatchling who seemed to sleep soundly after that.
Dragon Disciple -- Ha! See, I'm a dragon. It KNOWS I'm a dragon. I'm "mommy".
Halfling -- B*tch. Back off my dragon!
When the dragon began speaking, the halfling tried teaching him about the caves they were moving to.
Dragon -- Well, why can't we stay in the cave I was in originally. The place with lots of caves?
Halfling -- No no no, those are buildings... You were getting too big for them.
Dragon -- Well, what about the big one with the round roof?
Halfling -- The lady that lives there wouldn't like that.
Dragon -- Oh, the one you were talking with earlier?
Halfling -- Yep.
Dragon -- Yeah... She's loud.
Ranger- "You're faking!!"
Paladin- ........
Ranger- "You're faking aren't you??"
Paladin- .........
Hexblade- "Why would a Paladin 'fake' being dead?"
Ranger- "HE'S FAKING!!" *stabs the paralyzed Paladin for 'faking' doing four points of damage.
Rest of Party- :OMG!
They eventually found out he was not 'faking'.
Show
*******************************************************
114 Witty Paladin Sayings
*******************************************************
1. And now, judgement!
2. The day your sins rise against you is at hand!
3. EVERY day is judgement day!
4. (to the tune of the Ride of the Valkyrie) fight for justice, Kill For Truth, SLAY ALL EVIL, ta t-t-taaaa
5. The cherry blossom falls upon the soil; the sword falls upon the foe.
6. Come out and fight foul spawn of the underworld.
7. I challenge you in the name of Tyr, God of Justice!
8. Die creature of darkness!
9. I am ___, champion of justice! In the name of ___ I will right wrongs and triumph over evil; and that means you!
10. Die, head-in-the-clouds!"
11. Come eat cold steel, things of the underworld!
12. Throw down your swords and prepare to be judged!
13. Drain _this_, fang-boy!
14. You! Yes, you! The boney thing! Die!
15. Yo, she-*****! (Unsheaths sword) Let's go!
16. Nighty-night, zombies!
17. Hey, ugly, green, and terminally unwashed! Come here and fight like a man!
18. SPOON! - Not in the face! Not in the face!
19. Ad majorem dei gloriam. - For the greater glory of god
20. Go bleech your roots, creep!
21. Allright boys, let's dance!
22. It's a great day to be a Paladin.
23. Get some!
24. Punish or be punished.
25. Squeal like a pig!
26. Start prayin' boy, and you better pray real good.
27. Hey, foul villains! Knock off all that evil!!
28. The first step in making friends is *not to eat people*.
29. Evildoers! Eat my Justice!
30. Let's hang ten for Justice!
31. Avaunt foul feindish thingy!!!
32. Un-tentacle that fair ingenou!
33. Eat my shorts, dark spawn of fat women!!!
34. I`ll slay the evil fiend, and smile, because I smile a lot and have a lot of teeth.
35. You had better watch your manners demon or I`ll give one hell of a wedgie!!!!
36. Your shoes are untied!
37. Evil doers beware!
38. I've come to demand the surrender of Hell!
39. There can't be more than 50 of them, I won't be hurt!
40. To have the courage for fighting means to have the courage for victory!"
41. Within our quest we are invincible.
42. Prepare to meet thy highest judge.
43. Thy soul be blessed and thy sins forgiven.
44. You ____ !
-infidel
-heretic
-mongrel
-cur
-cad
-villain
-slime
45. I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON!!!!
46. I'm going to cut your heart out with a kender!
47. WHAT.... is the capitol of Assyria?
48. WHAT.... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
49. Prepare to feel the Wrath of all that is good, Hell Spawn!
50. Evil always turns in on itself - Justice shall prevail!
51. For God and country!
52. All that is good and holy, aid me now as I confront this vile evil!
53. Prepare to atone for your sins!
54. Renounce your foul deeds now and I shall spare you.
55. I claim this land for all that is good, leave now and I shall not destroy you.
56. Repent now or spend your after life in eternal damnation.
57. With Justice judges and makes war upon the foul and unrighteous!
58. has deemed you unworthy - I am his/her sword hand, prepare to meet damnation.
59. When Evil walks abroad, I must confront it.
60. May my sword do my God's will!
61. Prepare to make your maker!
62. I am prepared to meet my maker, are you?
63. With my dying breath I shall continue to remove the tarnish of your shadow from this world!
64. Summon your faith! It shall make us strong in the face of this obscene evil!
65. The courage of one can change the destiny of many.
66. Prepare to feel the iron gauntlet of Tyr the Evenhanded!
67. Surrender, cowardly followers of evil!
68. I'm gonna KICK your sorry ass!
69. SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAMMITY SPAM, SPAMMITY SPAM!
70. DOOM!
71. I am Ergol the magnificent: small in stature, large in power, narrow of purpose, and wide of vision. I have the power to make your **** turn blue!" while unsheathing sword: Let me introduce you to a friend of mine...
72. (with a look of boredom and frustration) More !! Gods, and I
just finished cleaning up from the last bunch!!"
73. Can you, like, surrender NOW or something?
74. Uhhhh...I'm like, gonna kick your ass. Uh huh huh, huh huh.
75. while charging: YYAAAaaaaawwwwnnnn...mhhm...mhhm...mm.
76. DDIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!
77. DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!
78. Don't MAKE me come over there after you!
79. Surrender now or face me!..no, no... Give up now and I mean
it!...no....You still have a chance to surr(finishes his charge and
attacks), oh, never mind.
80. (If fighting some beautiful enemy)Back foul temptress! Even though thine image dost set my loins afire, I shall not be deterred from my task!
81. while attacking: "OUCH! Now that's GOTTA hurt!"
82. So, come here often?"
83. OH YEAH, want some more, do ya'. Come and get it, and get it.YEAH! Hey, I
got some for you too! Here ya' go. Feels good, don't it!?!
84. Just a flesh wound.
85. I see that your schwartz is as BIG as mine! Now, let's see how well you
handle it!
86. Fight, fight, fight. That's all I do around here. Day-in, day-out.
87. Bash this, slice that, castrate whatever. How come I don't get to any of
the fun stuff?"
88. after battle: "That's it?"
89. Has anyone seen my sword?(amidst piles of bodies)
90. Whoa, lookit the gash on that one!
91. Well, I don't know about ya'all, but I could use a drink.
92. If you kill me, I will only become more powerful!
93. I am not a coward, but it is not fitting for me to get my suit of armor
dirty, I gotta be an example to the kids!
94. WHAT.... is the average rainfall of the amazon baisin?
95. After defeating but not dispatching..."Remember, no matter where you go, or how powerful you become, there will always be someone out there mightier than you. And that someone is me."
96. Let me convince you of the error of your ways.
97. Tell me if this hurts.
98. This is your ticket to the afterlife.
99. (talking to his sword) "Here's the goblin I promised you.
100. It wouldn't be proper for me to put this back without killing SOMETHING!
101. Try not to bleed all over my boots.
102. You demons are all alike... blah, blah, blah."
103. Why am I not worried?
104. To the undead..."You won't be so lucky this time."
105. Save your diseases for the less righteous."
106. Looks like you've lost a few fights in your day."
107. God befriend us, as our cause is just!"
108. Doomsday is near; die all, die merrily"
109. Say thy prayers, and farewell.
110. ...and you shall know that I am the Lord when I strike upon thee with
great vengence...
111. Holy Avenger Batman!
112. (after a brawl to opponent) Here are your teeth...
113. Ahhh c'mon its not so bad... Its just the Abyss
114. (to a demon) You are one _ugly_ motherf*cker.
*******************************************************
114 Witty Paladin Sayings
*******************************************************
1. And now, judgement!
2. The day your sins rise against you is at hand!
3. EVERY day is judgement day!
4. (to the tune of the Ride of the Valkyrie) fight for justice, Kill For Truth, SLAY ALL EVIL, ta t-t-taaaa
5. The cherry blossom falls upon the soil; the sword falls upon the foe.
6. Come out and fight foul spawn of the underworld.
7. I challenge you in the name of Tyr, God of Justice!
8. Die creature of darkness!
9. I am ___, champion of justice! In the name of ___ I will right wrongs and triumph over evil; and that means you!
10. Die, head-in-the-clouds!"
11. Come eat cold steel, things of the underworld!
12. Throw down your swords and prepare to be judged!
13. Drain _this_, fang-boy!
14. You! Yes, you! The boney thing! Die!
15. Yo, she-*****! (Unsheaths sword) Let's go!
16. Nighty-night, zombies!
17. Hey, ugly, green, and terminally unwashed! Come here and fight like a man!
18. SPOON! - Not in the face! Not in the face!
19. Ad majorem dei gloriam. - For the greater glory of god
20. Go bleech your roots, creep!
21. Allright boys, let's dance!
22. It's a great day to be a Paladin.
23. Get some!
24. Punish or be punished.
25. Squeal like a pig!
26. Start prayin' boy, and you better pray real good.
27. Hey, foul villains! Knock off all that evil!!
28. The first step in making friends is *not to eat people*.
29. Evildoers! Eat my Justice!
30. Let's hang ten for Justice!
31. Avaunt foul feindish thingy!!!
32. Un-tentacle that fair ingenou!
33. Eat my shorts, dark spawn of fat women!!!
34. I`ll slay the evil fiend, and smile, because I smile a lot and have a lot of teeth.
35. You had better watch your manners demon or I`ll give one hell of a wedgie!!!!
36. Your shoes are untied!
37. Evil doers beware!
38. I've come to demand the surrender of Hell!
39. There can't be more than 50 of them, I won't be hurt!
40. To have the courage for fighting means to have the courage for victory!"
41. Within our quest we are invincible.
42. Prepare to meet thy highest judge.
43. Thy soul be blessed and thy sins forgiven.
44. You ____ !
-infidel
-heretic
-mongrel
-cur
-cad
-villain
-slime
45. I'M GOING TO CUT YOUR HEART OUT WITH A SPOON!!!!
46. I'm going to cut your heart out with a kender!
47. WHAT.... is the capitol of Assyria?
48. WHAT.... is the airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow?
49. Prepare to feel the Wrath of all that is good, Hell Spawn!
50. Evil always turns in on itself - Justice shall prevail!
51. For God and country!
52. All that is good and holy, aid me now as I confront this vile evil!
53. Prepare to atone for your sins!
54. Renounce your foul deeds now and I shall spare you.
55. I claim this land for all that is good, leave now and I shall not destroy you.
56. Repent now or spend your after life in eternal damnation.
57. With Justice judges and makes war upon the foul and unrighteous!
58. has deemed you unworthy - I am his/her sword hand, prepare to meet damnation.
59. When Evil walks abroad, I must confront it.
60. May my sword do my God's will!
61. Prepare to make your maker!
62. I am prepared to meet my maker, are you?
63. With my dying breath I shall continue to remove the tarnish of your shadow from this world!
64. Summon your faith! It shall make us strong in the face of this obscene evil!
65. The courage of one can change the destiny of many.
66. Prepare to feel the iron gauntlet of Tyr the Evenhanded!
67. Surrender, cowardly followers of evil!
68. I'm gonna KICK your sorry ass!
69. SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAM, SPAMMITY SPAM, SPAMMITY SPAM!
70. DOOM!
71. I am Ergol the magnificent: small in stature, large in power, narrow of purpose, and wide of vision. I have the power to make your **** turn blue!" while unsheathing sword: Let me introduce you to a friend of mine...
72. (with a look of boredom and frustration) More !! Gods, and I
just finished cleaning up from the last bunch!!"
73. Can you, like, surrender NOW or something?
74. Uhhhh...I'm like, gonna kick your ass. Uh huh huh, huh huh.
75. while charging: YYAAAaaaaawwwwnnnn...mhhm...mhhm...mm.
76. DDIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!
77. DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!DIE!
78. Don't MAKE me come over there after you!
79. Surrender now or face me!..no, no... Give up now and I mean
it!...no....You still have a chance to surr(finishes his charge and
attacks), oh, never mind.
80. (If fighting some beautiful enemy)Back foul temptress! Even though thine image dost set my loins afire, I shall not be deterred from my task!
81. while attacking: "OUCH! Now that's GOTTA hurt!"
82. So, come here often?"
83. OH YEAH, want some more, do ya'. Come and get it, and get it.YEAH! Hey, I
got some for you too! Here ya' go. Feels good, don't it!?!
84. Just a flesh wound.
85. I see that your schwartz is as BIG as mine! Now, let's see how well you
handle it!
86. Fight, fight, fight. That's all I do around here. Day-in, day-out.
87. Bash this, slice that, castrate whatever. How come I don't get to any of
the fun stuff?"
88. after battle: "That's it?"
89. Has anyone seen my sword?(amidst piles of bodies)
90. Whoa, lookit the gash on that one!
91. Well, I don't know about ya'all, but I could use a drink.
92. If you kill me, I will only become more powerful!
93. I am not a coward, but it is not fitting for me to get my suit of armor
dirty, I gotta be an example to the kids!
94. WHAT.... is the average rainfall of the amazon baisin?
95. After defeating but not dispatching..."Remember, no matter where you go, or how powerful you become, there will always be someone out there mightier than you. And that someone is me."
96. Let me convince you of the error of your ways.
97. Tell me if this hurts.
98. This is your ticket to the afterlife.
99. (talking to his sword) "Here's the goblin I promised you.
100. It wouldn't be proper for me to put this back without killing SOMETHING!
101. Try not to bleed all over my boots.
102. You demons are all alike... blah, blah, blah."
103. Why am I not worried?
104. To the undead..."You won't be so lucky this time."
105. Save your diseases for the less righteous."
106. Looks like you've lost a few fights in your day."
107. God befriend us, as our cause is just!"
108. Doomsday is near; die all, die merrily"
109. Say thy prayers, and farewell.
110. ...and you shall know that I am the Lord when I strike upon thee with
great vengence...
111. Holy Avenger Batman!
112. (after a brawl to opponent) Here are your teeth...
113. Ahhh c'mon its not so bad... Its just the Abyss
114. (to a demon) You are one _ugly_ motherf*cker.
Lake: "An evil lich sent us here to kill you.."
DM: Roll initiative.
Lake: "but I don't want to kill you..."
Now, for the story.
In our campaign we deal with a lich who is, well, a bit obnoxious. He had something we wanted, so we got roped into doing a task for him that included killing six good giants. Mind you, I had no intention of killing any of them and determined I was going along to make sure it didn't happen.
So Lake waltzed up to the gate of the fortress and announced the quote I first listed. She is actually very smart, and for whatever reason, I thought I'd get to finish the sentence. Instead, she's got three storm giant and three cloud giant fingers in her bag of holding with every intention of True Res'ing them when she manages to find out if they'll try and kill her the moment they stand up.
Talk about a guilt trip.
-doesn't pause when making introductory statements anymore
Well for the setting... our party was traveling and while staying in a farm barn for a few evenings to rest up from battle the farmer told us a story about how his cattle had recently started to become missing. Well the paladin decided that it would be good for the party to help find what was happening with the cattle since we where staying in his barn. Well a few days later we where exploring some mountains nearby and found a small camp of primitive humans (much like Indians) and asked if they knew anything that could help. After questioning there leader he told us that there used to be a dragon in the caves north but it had been long dead. We asked if he had a guide that could take us there just to check. Well after searching the caves we found a dragon skeleton and that was about it. Well I had never used my spells and since we where low level I had no Ranger spells. Well I got a great idea and passed note to the DM with what I wanted to do… well the DM probably let some of the spells work a little out of context but here is how everything works.
Note to DM: as the group gets ready to leave the area of the dragon skeleton I use the following illusionary spells. Dancing lights to create 2 glowing spheres in the dragon’s skull. Ghost Sounds to make the sounds of creaking bones. And Prestidigitation to start to levitate the skull.
DM: “as you go to leave this chamber of the cave you all hear the sounds of rattling bones behind you.”
Cleric, Paladin, Fighter and rogue turn to look
DM: “You see the skull of the dragon raise with 2 glowing red spheres in its eye socket and hear the bones creaking and rattling.”
The guy playing the paladin shoots to his feet. “Who the F*#% took something.”
Cleric: “Oh lord this is going to be a bad day”
Rogue: “I swear it wasn’t me this time”
Well at this time everyone that has been playing starts arguing OOC and says we cannot kill a drake-O-lich (sp) at our level and who ever took what ever it was better put it back. Needless to say I am laughing so hard I am crying and cannot talk, but no one is paying attention to me. This goes on for a minute or two and the DM writes on my note to him and passes it to the cleric.
Note to Cleric: as the group gets ready to leave the area of the dragon skeleton I use the following illusionary spells. Dancing lights to create 2 glowing spheres in the dragon’s skull. Ghost Sounds to make the sounds of creaking bones. And Prestidigitation to start to levitate the skull. You see a minor arcane glow around the gnome.
At this point the Cleric starts laughing IRL and everyone has noticed the DM pass the note and her laughing. In between gasp for air I tell the DM I stop the spells and he tells the party the skull drops to the ground and the glowing eyes fade out. Everyone in the group said that was the best use of those 3 spells that they had ever seen. They all said they had never seen a trick so elaborate especially for playing so little
"We're not worthy!!!" ...Brujeria, you are my hero....
Wizard: Ok, that's the last of that wave, do I hear anything else?
DM: You still hear the chittering of large vermin off in the dark.
Wizard: Do I smell anything?
DM: Erm... lots of bug stench, bug guts, a slight scent of open desert (brass dragon deciple) and weapon oil.
Wizard: Nothing else? Nothing unusual?
DM: Nope
Wizard: There's nothing unusual at all?!?
DM: You're all standing in pools of scorpion innards at the bottom of a 30 foot wide tunnel below a hole in the desert. You're an eleven-headed hydra being ridden by a brass dragon disciple who is firing arrows between your necks without fail. Behind you, the cleric is twice his normal size, swatting medium creatures as if they were gnats over the heads of the remaining two party members. Nearby, a friendly undead shadow is flitting through the host of scorpions making sure they're dead or too weak to move. Compared to that? No, nothing unusual.
Yes, it was my line, but it was funny at the time.
My whole group is fairly new to the game. My character, Solaris (CG Elf Cleric of Pelor who uses extreme sarcasm to deal with his party members, the sarcasm being more from me than from the character); Spoode (the human pothead Paladin); and Milboy (CN Elf Sorceror with rat familiar. Milboy seems to be almost incapable of making a good decision). Our party also includes two NPCs: a drunken Ranger named Ichiro and a really hot female human Fighter named Megan.
There are several incidents worth mentioning. This one occurred after a dungeon crawl. Milboy (who has the habit of impulsively grabbing anything and everything that could possibly be worth even a single copper piece) is selling off all his junk when the shopkeeper (our DM, who is also fairly new to the game) reveals that the beat-up copper thing Milboy found is a Genie's Lamp! We were all very low level, as in L2 or L3, so I suspect the DM just wanted to see what would happen if he, in essence, gave a Nuclear bomb to a toddler. This is basically what followed: (I'm Paraphrasing)
Shopkeeper(DM): I will give you 500 gp for this!!
Milboy: (looks offended by this low offer) 500 gp?!
Me: SELL IT!!!!!!!
Milboy:
But I-Me: SELL IT!!!!!!!
DM: What's going on?
Me (OOC): Don't give me that!! I saw 'Wishmaster', I know what's goin' on here!!
DM: (innocent smile) Oh, come on now, don't be so paranoid. And besides, your character wouldn't know anything about that!
Me (OOC): Maybe not, but he has 18 Wisdom, and the uncommon intuition provided by it says he has a REALLY, REALLY bad feeling about this!!!
Milboy: I'll sell it for 100,000 gp!
DM: Not a chance!
Milboy: OK! (rubs the lamp)
Me:
DM: (describes an EFREET emerging from the lamp, but just describes it as a "Genie")
Genie (DM): Mortal! I will grant you 3 wishes.
Milboy:
I wish for a flaming sword!Me: DON'T!!!
Genie: Wish granted.
(Milboy's Longsword bursts into flame. The flames are so hot they melt the sword and make Milboy take Flame damage)
Milboy:
Me:
Did you learn your lesson? Send it back where it came from and stop messing with the stupid lamp!Milboy:
, OK, I wish for a MAGICALLY flaming swordMe:
Genie: Wish granted.
(And now he has a magically flaming sword... with a curse on it to slowly turn him evil, though we didn't find that out until later.)
Milboy: Sweet!
Me: You got your sword, now get rid of that lamp!!!
Milboy: I wish I had the last piece of this magic artifact!!
Me:
Genie: Wish granted.
(Now Milboy's magical crucifix necklace is fully reassembled. It's also glued to his neck.)
Me: Now GET RID OF THAT GENIE!!!!!!!
Spoode: (comes over from wherever he's been messing around) Awesome! Let me try! (Milboy gives him the lamp)
Me:
Spoode: I wish for a 20-Pound duffel bag full of pot!
Me:
Genie: Wish gr-
Spoode: ...without you screwin' anything up!
Me:
Genie:
!!! Ok, wish granted...Spoode: My second wish...
Me: :surrender
That
lamp got passed around for about a half-hour. Things got crazier and crazier, people un-wishing other people's wishes, rewinding time, wishing for one-night-stands with Megan, and frequently forgetting the part about not allowing the genie to add any 'personal touches' onto the wish. Things worked out okay in the end, but it was a wild time!!Spoode: (comes over from wherever he's been messing around) Awesome! Let me try! (Milboy gives him the lamp)
Me:
Spoode: I wish for a 20-Pound duffel bag full of pot!
Me:
Genie: Wish gr-
Spoode: ...without you screwin' anything up!
I'm pretty sure that adding 'without you screwin' anything up!' wouldn't work
That
Rewinding time is something outside the limitations of the wish spell
Still, not bad either way
Rewinding time is something outside the limitations of the wish spell
You can wish for anything with wish. Rewinding time would just fall under it's "greater effects" clause.
Just like wishing for a million gp or being magically polymorphed into Angelina Jolie's favorite Bra.
You can wish for anything with wish. Rewinding time would just fall under it's "greater effects" clause.
Just like wishing for a million gp or being magically polymorphed into Angelina Jolie's favorite Bra.
why not wish for a charisma score of 30? :D
of course, its effective for only a few character types....
why not wish for a charisma score of 30? :D
of course, its effective for only a few character types....
Why wouldn't you want a CHA score of 30? You'd only be so beautiful you could blind onlookers. Think of the uses! Just avoid mirrors!
DM: you awake, surrounded by bare, dry ground. You see not a tree or rock in sight.
Paladin: I stand up and gather my gear.
DM: you find that the goblins have taken all your gear. Including your clothes.
Paladin(in a fit of frustration): fine! I just kill myself!
Wizard(after a moments thought): how?
Paladin:
:headexplo DM:
Rewinding time is something outside the limitations of the wish spell.
No it isn't. Wish can "undo a single recent event".
No it isn't. Wish can "undo a single recent event".
Does it really matter? This isn't a board for arguing what a wish can or cannot do, especially since this wish was obviously beeing done adlib and as more of a joke.
Also, a classic line repeated to this day in my group:
At one point, they were helping an arrogant noble reclaim his throne from the even more arrogant captain of the guard. Upon reaching the throne room, the two got into an argument, ending with the captain clapping his hands twice, and calling out, "Minions!" At this, the group couldn't take any more, and laughed their heads off.
Recently, in another's campaign, our characters were on the run from the law. As we were in a bar at the time, most of us simply jumped the bar and ran out the back. One, however, got the bright idea of starting a barfight as a distraction. The problem? It was in the middle of the day, and all the patrons were still quite quiet and sober. So instead of causing a massive distraction, he just shouted "BARFIGHT!", punched three people, jumped over the bar (knocking the bartender unconscious), grabbed all the booze he could carry, and ran out.
This sounds a lot like a scene in Dungeons and Dragons the movie. I used this tactic to start out my current campaign: someone else yelled "barfight!" and kicked over a table, then all the PC's were forced into fighting. Now whoever said that movie was completely stupid?
[EDIT] I guess I should read more carefully.... It's much funnier when you learn that everyone in the bar was SOBER
Now whoever said that movie was completely stupid?
yo! :thumbsdow
Cleric: Can I cast a cure spell?
DM: You can but you'll provoke attacks of opportunity
Cleric: Then I'll just attack the armed orc (roll, it's a miss)
DM: Okay. The armed orc swings and (roll) misses, and the other orc in a fit of rage kicks you in the nuts (roll) and it's a hit...you're dying.
Said by a warforged warlock of mine.
Lyle: "Okay, obviously we need to stick together to have any chance of taking on these projects and we can't be everywhere at once. Ideas people, we need a plan!"
Silver: "We need to contact the Clerics at the temple to Teleport us to the capitol and warn the queen. She'll be lunch meat to that red dragon."
Lyle: "I would take on the flying citadel. If our home base is destroyed, our families could be killed. Also the citadel should be able to give us a quick ride to catch up to the red dragon."
Vincent: "Those are all good suggestions. Niomi, you got anything?"
Niomi: **Who's been doodling a map on her notebook** "Yes, I drawn out our plan. I suggest Fiji! It's warm, tropical, and lacks red dragons and flying citadels of death."
Silver: "... Strangely Soothing."
He died at the hands of a stone giant, but the minor artifact he was holding (Great spear of the stag) brought him back, but he was stuck as a stag for a while. He went to the temple of a nature deity to find out how to fix it. Apparantly he had to go out into the woods, get chased by wolves, and eaten, in order to take his part in the great circle. Ouch. Anyway, when that happened, he was brought back at the temple, good as new. (No resurrection needed)
Theres the back story. Well shortly thereafter, he was adventuring in a hidden evil temple, and one of the evil clerics looked at him and said "Ill show you the meaning of PAIN."
My ranger responded "You dont know pain until you have been torn apart by wolves."
Dragon Disciple --
Purple Dragon? What color is a purple dragon. Wizard -- Umm... Purple.
DM -- The stones are radiating powerful Universal magic.
Aurin -- I only know one universal spell that powerful. (hugs the stone) I wish for a pony!
Dm (Me): Inside the chest is a small, silk sack and an ornate carpet.
Druid: This carpet can fly, can't it?
Me: Mabye
*both charachters step on the carpet*
Me: Nothing happens,
*Dissapointed the roughe steps off the carpet*
Me: Zacharia (druid), you are lifted about 10 feet off the ground
Rogue: I'm not that heavy!
*cast detect magic*
Me: The bag is rather magical.
Rouge: I put the bag on my head.
Me: a small, tan, and fuzzy ball falls out.
Rogue: I eat the fuzzy ball
ME: :D (rolls) make a fort. save
*rolls ungodly high number*
Me: *rolls 8d20s* you take 9 points of damage as a brown bear explodes form your mouth!
Rogue :OMG!
Me and Driud: :invasion:
The party later sold the lot for 5,000 gold peices to a bunch of forest elves that lived in a stone castle in the middle of the woods.
When they were showing the elves that the bag was magic, the rogue ate another ball and coughed up a bat.
Elven NPC: He breathes bats! :D
Setting: Vampire City where all but 1 vampire are in a seemingly eternal sleep.
Vamp is blocking our only exit as we are trying to lead commoners of a destroyed village to safty.
Vamp: give me 6 commoners as sacrifice and you may leave
PC Dwarf: I take a mouthful of oil and prepare to spit it on the vamp via a torch.
DM: *rolls dice* "dwarf roll save vs will"
dwarf: *rolls??* "did i pass?"
DM: "You all see the dwarf suddenly spin around and spit flaming oil over the commoners, 4 fall to the ground trying to put themselves out before dying a horrible painful death" "No you didnt pass your save"
Vamp: Almost instantly next to dwarf. bites the dwarf and proceeds to kill him
Group:Frozen in horror
Vamp: drops dwarf corpse to the ground
Half-Orc Barbarian:"We dont have time for this crap!" walks to the front of the group grabbing 2 commoners and throwing them at the vamps feet before grabbing another 2. "them or us, and theres plenty more of 'em"
Vamp: picking up his next meal "You may leave"
Rogue: "can u give us any directions"
Vamp: Bites rogue.
well the rogue got a vampire disease and imprsoned by a group of elves.
I was an astoundingly reckless kick-in-the-door fellow. My cousin was a follower-not-a-leader rogue.
I'm trying to get into a club after hours, where people are planning "something". The rogue is on the roof.
Me: *walks through doorway*
Guard: Hey man, you ain't allowed in.
Me: Dude, you better let me in. I'm the best of the best, I'm on the top of that list--I'm so cool you can see my breath!
Him: No buddy. Sorry.
I get thrown out.
Attempt #2
Me: *knocks on door, when guard answers I knee him in the groin*
DM/Rogue : WTF?!
I get in, and promptly a half red dragon throws me out on orders.
Now, according to the DM, the rogue's view of this is limited, from the awning.
His view of my encounter with the halfdragon goes like this:
*Knock on door*
Guard: Get outta--OOF!
*thud*
Inside-Guy: Gorick, get rid of 'im
Me: Oh.... dear...
THen he sees my body fly out from under the awning, slamming into the opposite wall (it's in an alley, and the walls are about 15 feet apart)
Later, I storm an instutution. I have no idea whats going on--what the organization is about and such.
I kick in the door, and jump inside what looks like a reception room.
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I'm here for my job.
Clerk: I don't recognize you--and I know everyone who works here.
Me: I'm new.
Clerk: THe bosses haven't said a thing about you.
Me: Bosses?
Clerk: You have no idea whats going on here, do you?
Me: .... of course I do!
Clerk: *whips out a crossbow, points it at my chest* Guards!
10 seconds later--
Me: Where am I?... a cell?!
Me*hears a sound like a huge eruption of flame and my rogue friend flys past my little window*
Rogue: *gets upo, brushes self off, casts darkness, turns invisible, and shadowjumps away*
Me: *breaks down cell door, into a wall of fire. Gets blasted by a 15th level demon pyromancer, wakes up later with no memory of the campaign*
I've probably said this one before, but since the search button is In my "Kill the Dungeons and Dragons the Movie" campaign, we had an evil party trying to bust up the realm. The party gets to the point where they're in Savrille's tomb. The Drow Arcanist walks over and takes the rod, at which point the skeleton comes to life. After the dialogue, we get to:
Savrille: Be warned, whoever takes the rod shall suffer its terrible curse!
Drow: How do I break the curse?
Savrille: That is for you to discover!
Drow: I cast Control Undead on him. How do I break the curse now, *****?
Savrille: You think if I knew, I'd be a skeleton with a giant meathook up my ass?
Different campaign:
The party is recruiting some new characters to deal with the resurfacing of the drow in Battledale*. The party consisted of a Tiefling Illusionist who just recently turned evil+, a chaotic good (but mostly chaotic) frenzied Berserker/exotic weapon's master, and a sword that was possessed by a paladin (he was an NPC who died but was extremely well-received by the players, so I brought him back). The new party members were a True Neutral Druid Shifter, and an evil assassin character who used nondetection a lot, but kept his distaste of sentient life quite out in the open. The paladin sword NPC got a few good lines that night. For one thing, when the assassin was insulting him, he belted out
"Bite my shiny metal haft!"
Later, the Illusionist was defending the sword's personality, given the assassin hates paladins, something I'm going to have catch up with him. However, the Illusionist lets open (being mildly drunk in character) that he had copied and distributed a number of spells (from the BoVD supplement) from a book that the paladin had been guarding for several centuries as a mummy (he was a paladin of Osiris, so I don't feel any compunction against it), and had ultimately been sent down to the mortal coil to deal with. Upon hearing this, he is understandably upset, since this ass just blurted out that he was the reason why he was still stuck on the mortal coil. So, we eventually get the following exchange:
Illusionist: Paladinsword, you're still a paladin, right? I mean, your god hasn't abandoned you yet, has he?
Paladinsword: There are times I wonder...
It brought down the house. We laughed for over a minute. It was one of those well-delivered lines that had to be written down for posterity.
*(our campaigns flow into each other, so previous events by different people and GMs affected how stuff happens now, so in a different campaign, the drow were driven out of the Dalelands, and again in a different campaign, the guy who did that is currently indisposed, and so are all the people who would normally be keeping the drow at bay are away, because Candlekeep blew up)
+after he had a half-ogre sexually dominated by pixies made of shadow stuff (the character himself... put it this way, ever hear the movie "Deliverence", that's kinda the relationship between him and the half-ogre), and other dubious actions, including spamming evil spells.
The party consists of a Druid/Lord of the squirrels , a bard, fighter, and spirit shaman. Dont ask where the Spirit Shaman class is from because I have no idea. At the time, we were fighting a pirate king that was a barbarian.
Sssargoth: the squirrels continue the assult as the druid turns into a much larger version of them and pounces on the pirate
OnlineHost: Sssargoth rolled 5 20-sided dice: 12 19 11 6 1
Rat: (...AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!)
Chibi: (I'll just say it. His AC is 21.)
Chibi: (15 touch.)
Chibi: (:P)
Rat: (..Whoa.)
Sssargoth: (1 miss then)
Rat: (Thats a lot of touch AC for a raged guy.)
OnlineHost: Sssargoth rolled 4 4-sided dice: 1 2 3 2
Chibi: (yeah.)
Chibi: (Just wait until you see his HP.)
OnlineHost: Sssargoth rolled 12 6-sided dice: 4 4 4 6 1 2 2 5 3 6 3 3
Chibi: 9Which you are very quickly whittling away
)Sssargoth: (55 from squirrels)
[b]Sssargoth:[b] (and me)
OnlineHost: Sssargoth rolled 1 20-sided die: 2
Sssargoth: miss
Rat: (God, they're like cute, furry little pirahnas..)
What Rat said at the end is oh-so-true. :D
DM: You come across a fountain. Clear water flows from it's point into a circular pool.
Me: I take a drink.
DM: *Fort save failed* when next you talk, a very high-pitched voice is what you speak in.
Me: *High-Pitched I- & OOC* "Pool taste good"
*---*
It was even harder to change my voice's pitch mid-way through a sentence as the 'cure light' water (as we figured out later) wore off. When we found out that the pool had healing properties...
Me: I toss the [unconscious] bard into the pool.
DM: Okay, she recovers completely and is no longer unconscious. *Failed Ref and Fort saves to resist swallowing/the effects of the water* When next you talk, it's in a very low voice, lower than the orc's.
*---*
She couldn't manage a low voice out-of-character, but got 1st place for the wet t-shirt competition.
Did I mention we were stuck here because of some maniacal epic cleric of Vecna? He talked to us occasionally via telepathy, but we've never seen him.
DM: *Acting Cleric* "Ah, you might want to toss the half-elf in the water as well, he seems to be hurting."
Me: "Me toss 'alf elf," Quite literally, and probably against his will.
DM: *Succeeding grapple and strength checks* Well, he hit his head against the wall of the fountain, dealing him 5 lethal, but he's in the curative water. The voice speaks up again: "Hahaha! Oh, that was funny. Good Orc, have a treat." A bowl of meat pudding appears in front of the orc.
Me: I eat it! *Mimics licking bowl clean*
*---*
Too bad the half-elf succeeded his fort save. Lucky I succeeded mine for whatever effect the pudding was going to have on me.
Later, when the bard was practising the flute and my orc was singing around a makeshift fire... (Nat. 1 on Perform check for orc!)
DM: Okay, you're all hungry and, except those who drunk the water, thirsty.
Orc: "Remember we found that dead halfling in a sack?"
Ranger: "Yes...?"
Orc: I grab the dead halfling and chop him into edible chunks, ready for cooking.
*---*
My orc kept on asking for ages on end if the halfling arm was done cooking on my double-axe. Whole party except for me got K-O'ed by 4 enemy orcs, which I wasted alone. It was all up to me to restore everyone else, for which everyone else was ****** at me.
Much later on, after feeling more hungry, I remembered that I brought with me a longbow with no arrows, and 4 days rations. Everyone else suddenly acted real nice to me...
Elf: "Hey you orc! I'll trade you my share of the halfling for one of your rations! The halfling tastes much better!" *Fails bluff*
Me: "NOO! MY FOOD!"
Half-Elf: "What about me? I've heard that halfling meat makes you stronger" *Succeeds Bluff*
Me: "Me look for food..." *NAT 1 SEARCH CHECK!* "No, no food..."
*---*
A cheap way to get rid of beggars, but it was worth it.
We finally got around to searching (Read-the elf went for a stroll around the perimeter) for a way out. Came across a hallow wall.
Half-Drow: "Go on, orcy! You can break through wall!"
Me: "GRAAAAAGH!" *yay, 11 damage*
Half-Drow: "Oh, come on. I thought orcs were far much stronger than that.
Me: "ME STRONG! DIE, WALL!!!" *Gasp, 23 damage*
DM: Yep, the wall crumbles to reveal a room. Featureless, expecting a trough of black oozy goo.
Me: *Nat. 1'ed an Int check to see if black oozy goo is bad for you.* "Black goo make me stronger!!!" I belly-flop in.
DM: the goo starts to harden around your skin.
Me: "Making me strong! Me Feel stronger! St*gulp*rong...e...r..."
*---*
My orc got outta that goo thanks to the other players, and I found a vial of acid caught in my toe.
The omniscient, epic cleric then had a chat with us.
Half-Drow: "So, how do you get all of these powers anyway?"
DM: "Well, I serve a very useful deity..."
Half-Drow: "What deity would that be?"
DM: "A little god called Vecna."
Me: *Nat. 1'ed Int check, thought a vecna was an elven dish made from the arms of orcs* "GRAAGH! VECNA ORC FOOD! KILL!"
Half-Drow: "Calm down. Vecna is a god, not food."
Me: "Grummsh God." *Bows in reverence.*
Half-Drow: "No, another god."
Me: "Grummsh Brother! Vecna God!" *Bows again*
DM: "Teeheehee, I like the orc."
*---*
Eventually, we got teleported out of the 'dungeon' and into some weird world. nothing but a plains. It turns out the cleric missed his teleportation target by about 10 thousand miles.
Elf: I find if there's any tracks available. *Succeeds Survival*
DM: You come across a set of tracks that appear to be made of a rather large beast, probably herbivorous.
Elf: I follow the tracks. *Rest follows. We catch up to a Triceratops. Note-1st lvl.*
Me: "CHAAAARRRRGE!" Leeroy Jenkins style. *9 damage, before everyone else's initiative count. I'm proud."
DM: The Triceratops looks at you lazily, then slightly nudges you for 25 damage.
*---*
Good thing we have a 3-strike life system.
We then went to a village populated with humans that look as though they have an orc bloodline. Being an orc, my guy was instantly hailed as unconscious god. A few weeks of restive healing fixed me up. The populace are more dum than I am.
DM: *acting populace* "Our god has awakened! Tell us your name!"
Me: "Me, god? Me Vecna?"
DM: "Hail Vecna!"
Me: "No, me Murk!"
DM: "Hail VecnaMurk! Tell us your secrets!"
Me: *After a minute of contemplation* "Black Goo make you stronger!"
DM: "Black Goo make you stronger!"
Me: "Friends good!"
DM: "Friends good!"
*---*
The others arrived at a nearby, more civilized village inhabited by humans with an elven bloodline. Both the Elf and the Half-Drow were revered as a pair of gods. Half-Elf was noticed as a divine servant
Half-Drow: *In sylvan* "Look, being seen as your partner is a small price to pay for divinity, so I'll overlook this."
Elf: *Sylvan* "Fair enough."
DM: *Acting populace* "They speak the language of the Gods!" They bow.
Elf: *Common* "That's rather annoying"
Half-Drow: *Common* "Don't worry about it.
DM: The populace does not react.
Half-Elf: *Entering, talking in Sylvan* "So, how's things going here?"
DM: "Language of the Gods!" They bow.
Half-Elf: *Draconic* "What's up with this crowd?"
DM: "Ahh! The vile language of the Dragonkind!" They ready spears.
Half-Drow: *Sylvan* "I don't know, but keep out of Draconic talk for now."
DM: "The Language of the Gods!" They bow.
Me: *Entering, talking in Orc* "Me tired..."
DM: "Gasp! The evil language of the Orcs!" They ready spears.
Half-elf: *Draconic* "Do something!"
DM: "Ahh! The evil Dragonkind language!" They ready spears at Half-elf.
Elf: *Sylvan* "This is getting us nowhere..."
DM: "Language of the Gods!" They bow.
*---*
And so on and so forth.
That's when we finished. My orc got a whole 200 roleplaying xp for that! However, none of us leveled up. Pity, too...
Edit-Oh, I should've mentioned that all racial hatreds between orcs & elves and elves & drow were ignored for purposes of getting the party to work. Although a little bit of friction was sometimes mentioned.
Necro casts "Magic Jar" and takes over the 12-headed Hydra
Few round later someone casts a speel near the Hydra
Master: "Ok, but the Hyrda first gets an AoO"
Necro: "no, i won't make one"
Master: "...what?"
Necro: "i contorol it, and i won't make an AoO even if i don't know the other people, but i would rather see the hyrda dead than me"
Master: *look at MM... look at players*
DM: The dragon eats you.
V(my little bro): Impossible! I eat it back!
DM: (after V has paused for a relatively long time) Okay, so you've gone into the bar, carrying by their beards the heads of eight dwarves, and sat down in a chair in the corner.
V: I nonchalantly eat the dwarf heads. (He was playing a half-dragon.)
V: I eat the cliff.
DM: Okay, make an eating check.
V: What ability would that be?
DM: Strength.
V: 16.
DM: You fail. And your teeth hurt.
And one more time for effect:
Impossible! I eat it back!
Just last night, it was one of my friend and player's birthday, and he decided to use another friend to DM a little fun minigame. Core only, 1st lvl. Half-elf Sorcerer, Elf Ranger, Half-Drow Bard, (using 'Book of Drow Lore' rules) and Me, an Orc Fighter w/ a double-axe and 4 intelligence! I loved every minute of that 5-hour minigame, just because of all the opportunities I had to act my intelligence!
*snip*
throughout, and I wish I were there.Angelshelper, you need to log out in the future. Sorry.
(Fighter to DM) "So...is the cell locked?"
General reaction:
MeOOC: Dude...it's a jail cell..
Fighter: So is it locked?
That sent the entire room laughing, great times...
DM: how much damage?
Jerrad: add the dice.
Blarney (7th level fighter with a +1 to increase size): I turn to the gnome and ask what dice are.
Gnome Guy (8th level wizard): I dont know.
Jerrad: -makes a face- Im talking out of character!
Blarney: Is jerrad having a nervous break down?
Gnome Guy: I think so.
DM: It kills the beast, everyone gains ____ exp.
Jerrad: Yes! enough for a level!
Blarney: were worried about you Jerrad, we think you need help.
Jerrad: what?
Gnome guy: Lets blow up an orphanage
DM:good times.
Multiple good lines in that one. I also have a few others. We always incorperate little modern sayings into games and then act totally confused IC.
DM's PC torque (level 8 fighter): The mans kidnapped a boy!
Blarney: Sounds like the work of jacko!
Gnome guy: jacko?
Blarney: what? huh?
Jerrad: you said some guy named jacko might have done it.
Blarney: Rubbish! now beat it, just beat it!
"It's because of the horns, isn't it!?"
And she paused for a moment, scratched her head, and then responded.
"Surprisingly, no, the horns and hooves have precious little to do with it."
Every found it to be pretty funny watching him get shot down. He took his rejection pretty well, and decided to spend the rest of his time seducing the party's female psion.
What happens when you capture a Drowess, 'persuade' her to tell you who hired her to incapcicate you and take you back to her hirer.
We had a short fight with giant frogs... my wizard failed to do any damage with spells, but hacked one good using a longsword...
"I'm a wizard... and yet i kill things with a piece of steel." *Head in hands.*
a while later, we came to a big sealed door, with dials that coudl be pointed at variosu runes. if you set it wrong, it would turn you into a blitherign idiot for an hour if you failed yoru save.
Paladin: "You know, i think we'll jsut wait for the adrenaline junkies to get better before tryign another combination"
Kender: "I draw on the rogue's face!"
not so great, but they were funy incidents there...
DM:You hit.
me:*1d12+6*
DM:The last standing baddy now has a airborn kneecap.
me:Man, know I'm gonna hafta find that thing again.
chasing someone though a tossed kitchen out into the night
DM:Make a reflex save.
me:*pitafull roll*
DM:You are looking at the ceiling.
me:huh?
DM:Pool of cooking oil.
me:Well I get up and head out the door, running after the guy.
DM:Reflex save.
me:*another bad roll*
DM:You run headlong into a low hanging branch in the local orchard, serves you right running in the dark.
me:
Later in the adventure the badies' leader found us in the inn, and we being the tactical geniuses we are decided to fight him the high level cleric and the 8+ soldiers out side as to not cause to much damage to the inn.
and the DM tried so hard to keep us alive, pesant archers appearing on the roof and a pair random spearmen from the inn to help. it ended up that only one person was even conscious at the end, no magic left and the peasant family dealing the final blow to the warlord. horya for dues ex machina
The DM gave me something I wanted... A Dragon. I now have a Pseudodragon cohort, with two levels of rogue.
He started chortling when I said: "This is going to get me into a lot of trouble, isn't it?"
Tonight ought to be interesting...
The DM gave me something I wanted... A Dragon. I now have a Pseudodragon cohort, with two levels of rogue.
He started chortling when I said: "This is going to get me into a lot of trouble, isn't it?"
Hey, I beleive in giving my players what they ask for. Not always what they WANT, that would be too easy.
Bartleby
Hey, I beleive in giving my players what they ask for. Not always what they WANT, that would be too easy.
This, everybody, is the secret to good DMing.
what happend today; I had just joined the group (although i had been adventuring on my own) and the group fighter decided i wasn't under his protection.....
Fighter: I bring my blade down on him!
Dm: As you attack, a purple hand reaches out and stops you.
Wizard (me): Were you going to hit me?!?
That next morning....
Dm: Ok, you (the fighter) wake up to see everyone laughing at you.
Fighter: I grab a mirror
Dm: You see that you have a red nose, pink hair, white facepaint, and fake glasses on your face.
:D the reason you don't mess with a wizard who had prepared alot of predignititation(sp?)
yea i know i just find it funny how many ppl cant spell
Oh ow, jeeze, I'm bleeding. The Irony of that was so sharp I'm frikken' bleeding.
no offense meant to anyone because i have similar problems but some of the spelling errors u guys have are funny......pres-ta-dig-i-tation(sounded it out thats prolly still wrong)
And your poor grammer is annoying.
Hey, I beleive in giving my players what they ask for. Not always what they WANT, that would be too easy.
Druid -- (to merchant) Did you bring him? Did you bring him?
Rogue -- What did you order???
Druid -- Ummm.... Something...
Rogue -- (makes flapping motion with hands) Caw, Caw?
Druid -- No.
Rogue -- (makes flapping motion with hands) Screech?
Druid -- :D
Rogue -- Oh no.
Rogue -- Aww... How cute! He looks just like a little dragon! (pulls out a coin) Here you go little buddy, here's a gift!
Kezrey -- (looks at the coin, looks at the rogue) Great. Let me stick it in my belt pouch. Oh wait. No belt.
Rogue --
You're a smart-a** little fu**er. Kezrey -- (to druid) Where does she live?
Druid -- She runs an inn in town.
Kezrey -- What inn?
Rogue -- The Tealeaf inn.
Kezrey -- I suppose it has a lockbox then.
Rogue -- Well, it's not open for business yet. We still have to make the beds.
Kezrey -- How long does it take to make the beds?
Rogue -- It'll take a few weeks.
Kezrey -- You must have messy customers.
Rogue -- No... We have to MAKE the beds. Chop down trees, make the frames...
Kezrey -- (looks around the desert city) Well there's you're first problem.
Rogue -- What?
Kezrey -- No trees.
There's something about that 'myself' tagline that really makes me feel uneasy...
Welcome to how I feel every game session. ;)
Druid -- Well, the Emperor needed our help, and since I helped him he gave me this city...
Kezrey -- Right, my city.
Druid -- What constitutes "yours"?
Kezrey -- Well, anything I want.
Druid -- Like me?
Kezrey -- Well, I haven't decided yet. We'll see if you'll make a good pet.
I'm not sure my well-exercised jaw can contain the laughter of that one... Guess not
The difference between a good DM and a bad DM is a BAD DM is mean to the players. A good DM is mean to the players and the players like it.
DM: At the end of the hallway, it goes straight.
Me: uhhm...
DM: Alright, you open the door. There's a room.
All the Playerss: NO, really??
"Monkeys, whilest amusing, may be of limited usefulness here."
As we walk into a seemingly unsuspicious hall.
Rogue: "It's a trap!"
Party Barbarian: "What? I don't sense any traps."
Rogue: "I automatically asume something's a trap until proven otherwise. That's how I survive a dungeon."
Situation: Me (a 5th level anthro-fox Wizard) has stumbled into a demiplane, whereupon I immideately find what is possibly the most important finding in the history of the Realms - this is the last known place of the Netheril. Through examining ancient diaries, I discover that a group of a few Netheril mages who survived the Fall escaped to this plane, disguisted at the excesses of their empire, and now fearful of the 'evils of magic.' This demiplane is harsh - noxious gas for atmosphere, meteor showers, but they have their last trump card - a Mythallar.
Fast forwarding, bad guys from the gas-wastes are landing on the island, they somehow opened a hole in the enormous wall of force that the Mythallar is generating. I figure out what they're after, and haul tail to the Mythallar. Attempts to get it to come to me, from the beam of light it's in, are fruitless. Then it hits me - it dosen't want to do that, because it wasen't made to do so. So I command it to do what it was made for, and raise the island.
It starts working. The DM describes the Weave coming into focus, and a pair of eyes weaving themselves out of it. It adresses me by name, says it knew this was an eventual inevitability, and says it's sorry, but it must remove the Mythallar to somewhere more secure. I tell it it can't, even though OOCly I'm about 75% sure I'm adressing Mystra herself. It says it has to, not to worry that the Mythallar won't be out of my reach, just more well protected. DM says the eyes, the weave, and the Mythallar start to fade.
Me: "I fight for control!"
DM: "O...Kay... Roll Will."
Me: "Natch 20, don't fail me now!"
*rolls... 8.*
Me: "Crud."
i think thats what happens when your dm is your husband/wife
Actually, what happens when the DM is your husband is you get a lot of t he boring stuff about running a city done in downtime.
Rogue (party spokesperson): *knocks on door*
Woman with ladle: *opens door* Hello?
Rogue: What do you have in the ladle?
Woman: Seafood Jambalaya, what do you want?
Barbarian (6 or 7 INT): Seafood Jambalaya!
The timing, and quite possibly the lateness of the hour, made this extreemely funny.
In another campaign, we arrived at a very small village, and went in the building that looked like a church-type place (I was actually somewhere in the negatives, but stable) for healing. There was one old guy there, and he was a bit eccentric. He sat us down on his altar, which looked a lot like a bench, from the description. Turns out, his father made the altar himsef (we found out after being healed). So, our bard started to correct the man every time he said "altar" by saying "bench". Eventually, he passed out :P
DM: Okay. Weapon's Officer, what do you do?
Weapon's Officer(Nerdy guy's newbie GF): Captain, What do I do?
Captain: I kill her! I kill her! I kill her!
We even had his seat elevated over the front two positions, so the effect was very Star Trek 3.
Needless to say, she never roleplayed with us again. Sadly, she married the harmless nerd and over a period of years weaned him off playing with us.
As the other "old" character and myself were sitting down to breakfast at the inn, we are approached by a person in full plate armor.
New Characer 1: "Oh wow! Are you Ralec the Demon Slayer?"
Ralec: "No."
New Characer 1: "Really? You look just like him." (ooc: I make a sense motive check)
DM (ooc): Roll bluff Ralec.
Ralec (ooc): I'm not bluffing! I don't think of of myself as "Ralec the Demon Slayer" or know of anyone that does.
DM (ooc): You realize that it probably is Ralec
New Character 1: I've been following you for months. I'm your biggest fan!
Me: Who is this guy?
Ralec: *shrug* I don't know.
New Characer 1: I'm Ralec's biggest fan! I've been following his trail for months collecting stories and writing them down in my journal.
Me: Oh... He's a bard
Later in the course of the conversation, new character2 comes over to talk to us saying he has information regarding the person we seek.
Ralec: Is it just me, or are there a lot of people seeking adventure in here today?
Me: Yeah, it's almost like they're being directed by some higher power.
DM: *fires off a bunch of "Stone Cold Salutes" to me :D
Context: The DM walks in and for the past 5 minutes, one player had been trying to set fire to a piece of string he found with the DMs lighter.
The guy: What?
It was just so funny at the time because he was so obviously doing something wrong.
Player: I want to know why the old man wants us to go on this specific adventure. I look in the crystal ball we found earlier.
Me(DM): Roll an intelligence check
Player: *rolls a 1*
Me(DM): You see a group of people sitting around a table with books and sheets of paper. On the sheets are numbers and you see your name on one of them. They are rolling dice and it comes to you like you are not actually in control of yourself, but some imaginative character in a game.
Player: I relay the information
Me(DM): The other characters laugh at you and tell you not to be silly.
The fighter fails his jump check, and the Cleric is going through his options to decide how to get him out:
Cleric (to DM): Can I summon a Celestial Porpoise to pull the fighter out?
Me (to DM): Yeah, c'mon! Flipper can do anything!
And the first flipper reference in TEN friggin YEARS goes to...
Fey'Ri: How about we dump a flask of alchemists fire over me and I run screaming into the guardhouse? I have fire Resistance 10!
Barbarian: Yeah, that would work, if it was a hospital.
later in the same conversation
Fay'Ri: So our options are 1) go through the exercise yard, 2) bust in through the front, or 3) Set me on fire.
In the end we posed as deliveries for the kitchen.
*----*
Me: "I'm full-attacking the evil blue cleric." *Rolls* "I got a 3 and a 2."
DM: "Nope."
*----*
Times that incident by about 10 times and I know something's up. Sometimes I change tactic...
Me: "I'm going to feint attack him for sneak attack damage!" *Rolls* "Woot! I succeeded by bluff! Now for the attack roll..." *Rolls* "3..."
DM: "Nope." :D
*----*
Then these infernal dice of mine... they trick me!
Me: "I full attack..." *Rolls* "I ROLLED A 20!!!!! Confimation..." *Rolls* "A 19! Finally! Damage time!" *Rolls* "I got a 2 total for damage..." :surrender
DM: "Hehe, nope! Damage Reduction!"
*---*
Seriously, I only get real cool 20's on listen checks. Pity me, for this occurs with my dice, and my DM's dice. On the other hand...
DM: "So the evil cleric attacks you... and hits... and critical-hits, for... 69 damage total."
Me: "GAH! HE COULD'VE KILLED ME TWICE OVER FROM FULL HP!!!"
*----*
Good thing the DM doesn't want anyone to die from a lucky strike by a Nerull Cleric's scythe. The DM said that was the most damage he's ever seen dealt, and he plays in a high-level campaign! My guy's only 6th lvl... Pity me.
NPC: "What do you want?"
Maya: "Lycanthrogram!"
We all chuckled at that for a bit, which inevitably led to an OOC conversation...
"How do you know he's a lycanthrope?"
"He turned me into a wolf!"
"...a wolf?"
"Well... I got better..."
Cliche, perhaps, but true!
me: I move my 10 feet then shoot at the final spiderorc. *rolls* Natural 20! Finally! I crit!
DM: roll for damage
me: ok that's *roll* "23 plus" *roll* "19 plus" *roll* "22 plus" *roll* "11 plus--- 75 points of damage!"
other party member: WOW!!!
me: oh Shoot! I forgot to roll to see if the Crit landed! *rolls* "13 make it?"
DM: nope
me: gahhH!!! 23 damage then /cry
We entered a room full of weird cold mist, and the fighter suddenly started to convulse and shake. I covered my mouth because I thought it was some kind of choking gas or something.
Ixidor: Can I make a spot check (untrained, low wisdom) to see what the gas could be coming from?
DM: (withholding laughter) You see... the moon.
Ixidor: :OMG!
Um... You wait here.
I was literally paralyzed with laughter during the game last night. The party Cleric was in the awkward position of having to risk about a half dozen AoO in order to save the dying Dwarf Fighter. He really, REALLY didn't want to do it, but he knew it was his duty, etc etc. So, grimly, he steels himself for the task ahead, and just before sprinting into harms' way, he turns to my character, places a cure potion in my hand and says, with a straight face no less:
"If I go down, put it in my mouth."
There was another pretty good one a few minutes later. The whole fight had started because my Half-Orc Swashbuckler, handily evidencing his 8 Wisdom, decided, for a laugh, to walk up to the door at the end of the dungeon corridor, knock loudly, and yell "Room service!" Which caused all the goblins inside to burst forth and procede to maul us. Eight rounds later the fight just isn't going well, and the DM tells me "Well that's what you get for just barging into places without knowing whether it's safe". I replied, in character and rather haughtily "I didn't just barge in! I knocked first!"
So our ranger makes a tracking roll, its a nat 1, we all start laughing as we wait for the response.
DM: "hmmm, You cant even find your ass"
by this time most of us are laughing our asses of, were tired so almost anything seems funny.
later on our ranger farts and we all just stop since it was rather loud, without missing a beat he goes "I found it!"
Once again were all laughing hysterically.
Later on that day, after we had gotten some sleep, two of our new players that were visiting the area, a dark knight and a rogue i believe, were standing around in a tavern.
DM-BarKeep- "so is there anything i can get you?"
DarkKnight- "no" *proceeds to try and chops off the barkeeps head just cause he feels like it, misses horribly and takes a knot out of a wooden post*
DM-BarKeep- "wow, if ya can do that again i'll pay you"
DKnight- *now fuming, lets his rogue partner step in, a female too*
Rogue- *using a whip nails the barkeep in the arse*
DM-BarKeep- "ahh, a fiesty one now arent we? how about we go upstairs"
DKnight- "ok thats enough" *slices the barkeeps head off, nice crit*
DM- "hehe, f****d without the lovin' he got his head lobbed off"
we all start laughing again, this whole thing was just ridiculous.
Everyone else: *snicker*
We were in a dwarven forge and had just defeated the evil dwarves that were forging something when we came across them. Of course we wanted to know what the thing was so after the necromancer lifted the thing out of the forge with some tongs and cooled it, the fighter touched the lump of black metal and was sucked inside it. The necromancer found this quite interesting and wanted to see it happen again so he poked the half-orc barbarian with it and the barbarian was sucked inside the thing. The bard tried to take the tongs with the thing away from the necromancer but ended up getting sucked into the thing too. But this time the half-orc barbarian popped out again. The necromancer tried to touch the barbarian again but the barbarian forced the necromancer to drop the tongs. And the entire party started fighting about how to get the fighter and bard out of the thing and what to do with it except for the cleric (me) and the kenderish halfling rogue. So while the entire party fought, the halfling rogue walked over, picked up the thing with the tongs and carried it over to me since I wasn't fighting. After much trial and error, we managed to get everyone out by dropping spiders onto the ball (the ball sucked in living creatures that touched it with skin into one of six slots, randomly determined, and expelled anything that was in that spot). So the fighter and bard joined in the argument and the halfling rogue and I decided to try to finish the object (or at least make it into something). So after a number of things I don't remember, the DM gave me the choice of either making it into a mace or a bowling ball. So that is how I managed to get my Bowling Ball of Capturing. I learned that I could handle it with my dragonhide gloves without getting sucked into the ball so I carefully put the ball into my bag of holding. So as I did this, the rest of the party finally decided what to do with the thing and the DM simply said, "As you look around, the thing seems to have vanished." So with the party completely befuddled, I said while trying very hard not to smile, "Shall we press on?"
Later, during a trip to Faerun, we were walking on the very edge of the Forest of Wyrms and to liven up the mood, the bard decided to play his newly aquired partially ethereal, completely weightless, totally mobile, collapsable, and altogher pretty useless full pipe organ (yes like the ones found in cathedrals). The music was so loud (and so good thanks to a crit on a Perform check), the great wyrm green dragon that lives in the middle of the forest decided to attack us (we were 9th level and had no chance). We rolled initiative, I crit and went first. So I did the only thing I really could against the dragon, pulled my Bowling Ball of Capturing out of my bag of holding and with the battle cry of "Come on strike!" I chucked it at the dragon. I hit the dragon's touch AC and into the ball he went. With the entire party just staring at me I did the first thing I thought of. I turned my hat around, made a V-for-Victory sign and cried, "All right! I caught a Great Wyrm Green Dragon!" (A blatant reference to the Pokemon television series for those who don't know.) The party laughed their asses off.
A while later, I still had the great wyrm green dragon in the ball as well as a juvenille green dragon and an adult red dragon (which had warrented a repeat of my capture pose and a reference to Charizard). I had missed a week and when I returned the next week, the PCs had just defeated an evil mind flayer who laired in a demiplane with only one entrance and exit that some helpful NPCs were going to close forever. I told the NPCs to wait and so I stepped through the portal and took out my bowling ball. I grabbed a spider that was nearby and dropped it onto the bowling ball. The spider disappeared and out came the great wyrm green dragon. I bolted through the portal again shouting, "CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!"
Karrde
Silver: "I'll take the cloak. I can use the Charisma boost."
DM: "You put on the Cloak of Nymph Beauty. You suddenly lose the hose and gain a rack."
Vincent: "That's some boost."
Silver: "Hmm, cloak of gender change."
Niomi: "Ick, a cursed cloak. Here, I think I have a spell that can undo that-"
Silver: "Why? I don't think it's a curse."
Niomi: "Wait 28 days."
There was a raid on a gypsy caravan we were protecting, the raiders were defeated but there were losses within the caravan, the paladin goes up to the head of the family and says “We are sorry for your loss, do you have a shovel?”
We were about to fight a litch. The litch desides to be civil and has one of his servents see to our needs.
Servant: I can get you anything you want, you have but to ask
Fighter: vorpel plus 5 long sword
Servant: any FOOD you want
Ranger: I would arrow shaped crumpets of litch slaying please
Garrik(Gnome Ranger male): I told you it was seven days travel to the next town.
Ilyara(Half-Elf Paladin female): Yes, but how far to the next inn?
Agmak Tifting(Human Cleric male): There are no inns. This is the wilderness. We rough it.
Ilyara(Half-Elf Paladin female): I do not like sleeping outdoors. Can we find an inn?
Marla Tifting(Human Wizard female): There are no inns.
Ilyara(Half-Elf Paladin female): Well, you are a wizard, do something. i do not like sleeping outside.
Marla Tifting(Human Wizard female): I just might....
First level, first outting, close to nightfall.
Well, the egg hatched this weekend... And spawned forth a baby green dragon.
Apparently, the Cleric of BArtleby, the God of Chaos prayed for the hatching to happen a little quicker, so Bartleby had a hand in a speedy hatching. Unfortunately, this also led to a speedy growth phase so that, by the end of 3 days the Dragon was a large creature with the brain of a 3 day old Dragon.
The newborn Dragon was somewhat hungry, considering the considerable growth spurt... And after 2 carts of fish, would fall asleep... At first, being nervous around people, the dragon would not settle down. This led to a hissed conversation between the dragon disciple and the halfling mutt who owned the egg about getting the dragon out of the building and out of town. Hissing led to shouting and the dragon woke up and was watching the pair. The fighting stopped, and the dragon disciple crooned a draconic lullaby to the hatchling who seemed to sleep soundly after that.
Dragon Disciple -- Ha! See, I'm a dragon. It KNOWS I'm a dragon. I'm "mommy".
Halfling -- B*tch. Back off my dragon!
When the dragon began speaking, the halfling tried teaching him about the caves they were moving to.
Dragon -- Well, why can't we stay in the cave I was in originally. The place with lots of caves?
Halfling -- No no no, those are buildings... You were getting too big for them.
Dragon -- Well, what about the big one with the round roof?
Halfling -- The lady that lives there wouldn't like that.
Dragon -- Oh, the one you were talking with earlier?
Halfling -- Yep.
Dragon -- Yeah... She's loud.
Reminds me of a 2ed Berserker (Dragon Mag) that I had and his 1/2 Orc Cleric "Wife". She had a Juvenile Male Brass Dragon (Bright Wing-typical teenager)that adopted her and I had a Young Black Female Dragon (Daisy) that adopted me after we "rescued" them from the evil wizard who wanted to do "genetic" experimentation. Ahhhhh those thrilling days of yester-year....Me and Eura Ded Elf...yes that was the 1/2 Orc Maiden Name.....of course...what do you expect when my char. was Nork T. Violent....Slayer of Minotaurs and collector of Axes...At the end of the campaign I had like 60 Minotaur Axes....all taken in one on one duels....seems Minotaurs dont like "mere" humans using THEIR Axes....
So that is how I managed to get my Bowling Ball of Capturing. I learned that I could handle it with my dragonhide gloves without getting sucked into the ball so I carefully put the ball into my bag of holding.
If the ball is sucking people into it and storing them, doesn't that make it an extrademonsional(sp) space? In which case, if you put it in your Bag of Holding, shouldn't there have been one heck of a mighty explosion?
Just a thought, I loved your story though.
Cleric: I cast Detect Magic on the large room full of treasure.
DM: (Musing) How does that work, do you see it, or...
Bard: (OOC) Its a tingling in the crotch.
DM: Oh. The Cleric's crotch just exploded then.
Cleric: Me jewels!
Oh, that was good.
wizard: We should just go around them
Commanding Officer(NPC): Can't do that.
fighter: We should just ambush them.
XO: Can't do that either.
party: Why not?
XO: you can't be sure you'll get them all.
This goes on for about 10 more minutes...until...
cleric: Alright we're just going to go with our plan instead of a full frontal assult.
XO: That's countering direct orders
cleric: so?
XO: That's treason.
Cleric: Apparently LOGIC IS TREASON!
dm: the moon has just come out from behind a cloud.
me: we should go inside, i open the door.
dm: you fail to notice that the edge of the door is coated in poison. make a fortitude save.
me
here come a low number. rolls.dm: you roll a 1.
me: :OMG!
thankfully the paladin healed me quickly. for the rest of the game i became very paranoid of every door in the game, especially paper ones.
Fenris -- You WILL stick with plan A.
Wizard -- But Plan A didn't work.
Druid -- What was Plan A?
Fenris -- OK, fine. You'll stick with Plan B.
Druid -- Well if Plan A didn't work, didn't we already screw up Plan B.
Fenris --
Druid -- What was Plan A again?
Fenris -- (handing the druid a ring) Could you putt his on for me?
Druid -- No. It's probably a ring of silence or something like that. People are always trying to get me to be quiet.
Fenris -- Just... Put it on.
Druid -- (puts on the ring)
DM -- It is indeed a ring of silence and is unremovable.
On Tuesday, the party was informed that, since they screwed up the plans for attacking the seceded city, they would provide the distraction. This lead to a great deal of confusion.
She forgets to mention that the general orders they were given was to lay low until another force arrived to lay siege. THEN they could start their attack from within. The party discovered the possibility that the enemy was about to release a dragon they revere as a god. They were told to wait until evening, when Fenris would help them get in quietly. Instead, they infiltrated on their own (ok), engaged in a skirmish with palace guards (bad, but unavoidable), delt with threat (bogus, but they did right in trying), and they left in a storm of violent, flashy magical combat that included Ice Storming, Magic Missile barraging, and Lighting Striking the soldiers in the palace courtyard (very, very bad). Now they've been ordered to perform a direct assault on the palace gates. They don't need to succeed, they just need to be loud.
Fenris -- You WILL stick with plan A.
Wizard -- But we screwed up Plan A.
Druid -- What was Plan A?
Fenris -- Those were general orders. Plan A is a direct assault. That appears to be what you're good at.
Druid -- Well if Plan A didn't work, didn't we already screw up Plan B.
Fenris --
Plan A is direct assault. Just do Plan A.Druid -- What was Plan A again?
Fenris -- (handing the druid a ring) Could you putt his on for me?
Druid -- No. It's probably a ring of silence or something like that. People are always trying to get me to be quiet.
Fenris -- Just... Put it on.
Druid -- (puts on the ring)
DM -- It is indeed a ring of silence and is unremovable.
Fenris -- Now, does anyone have any questions?
Party -- Well, can we-
Fenris -- Good! Since there's no questions, we're done here. (looks at Druid) Arth'thanneck. Give it back please. (ring comes off)
Paul Atredis: So what happens to me?
DM: You don't feel the affects until the next full moon.
Paul: What happens then?
DM: Have you ever been curious to see what Moses's insides look like?
After we explore the castle a bit more...
DM: You find a lab. Large posters of different Lycanthropic forms cover the walls. Vials of liquid labeled with various animals sit in racks on the benches.
Paul: I examine the vials.
DM: The three in front of you are; Bear, Tiger, and Merekat.
Halfling Thief: I take Merekat and drink it.
Paul/ Moses: We take bear and tiger.
*After a full moon*
DM: You all three wake up in a clearing. Broken branches and kegs of ale lay all around you. You feel hungover.
Paul: Oh God! What did we do?
DM: After what you did... you don't have a god.
My low-wisdom wizard: "Well, there were a lot of beggars outside!"
dm: u see a paper door hidden and disquised as just part of the wall
me: *to dm* i open it
dm: its locked
me:*to party* "look guys im going to do some magic" *to dm* "i walk through the door"
the party still didnt know the door was there so it was just me looking at the wall then talking to them and then walking through the wall.
So we head furthur into the caves, and find the treasure. Of course, the dragon gets alerted to our precense, but the Warlock and his Barbarian friend come in, and we decide to have a competition (whoever brings down the Dragon gets the kill.)
We're all ready to fight...
DM: As you are talking, the three trolls come from another cavern and charge at the dragon. He looks surprised, and says, "My snacks?!"
Players:
Me: Snack attack!
As it turned out, one of the trolls wound up dealing the last blow to the dragon
Duelist: What's this bag do?
Rogue: it's a bag of holding. I couldn't call myself a proper thief without one could I?
Drow Wizard: and this bag?
Rogue: Well, reach inside. Don't worry your hand won't get bitten off.
Drow Wizard's PC: ok, what's inside?
DM: You feel a small fuzzy ball.
Drow Wizard: You're kidding me, you actually have one of these useless things?
Rogue: Well how do you think I knocked out Jean Eric's guards? They're were freaked out by the badger.
It was 2am, maybe it was funnier then. Reminded me of that Order of the Stick comic.
Illis Litefoot: Hey guys, I got this one. *ooc* I open the door, and attempt to communicate with the Zombies.
DM: Okay... the door opoens slightly. The Zombies stop, and one of them steps forward.
Zombie: Brains?
DM: okay... roll the d20 [house rulews for languages]
Illis Litefoot: *ooc* 20! *in game* Brains! Brains brains brains.
Zombie: Brains, brains brains brains brains? Brains brains brains brains...?
Illis Litefoot: *ooc* 19! *in game* Brains, brains brains. Brains. *points at comrades* brains brains.
Zombie: Brains brains brains brains brains. Brains.
Illis Litefoot: *ooc* 4... *in game* Brains brains brains liver,
.DM: the horde of zombies turn on you, and take you into a surprise round. You awake several hours later, brainless.
Vincent Wilder: *ooc* Good job, Illis! Let me see your character sheet.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, 9544683, WTF?
Someone obviously failed a speak language: (Brains) check. Really, what is so hard to understand? Did you fail a 'Brains' check too ;)?
our house rule on conveying a message in a language we dont wuite understand is a DC25 language roll, which is our diplomacy and bluff mods addded together and divided by 2. He has a fairly good-sized modifier for each, so it turned out to be a +8 for his Convey Message check.
Also, in my campaign, Zombies can only speak the word 'brain/s', and Illis said 'Liver'. Thats not good.
And... theres a runnign joke where one of my characters asked for a class change (at first level), so I asked to see his character sheet. I ripped it up and burned it, then gave him a new sheet. Mind you, he was complaining from the get-go about his char, so I had decent reason to do so. I think it traumatized him, and we now mock him with those words; "Hey, let me see your character sheet".
Also, Illis is our swashbuckler/rogue. Vincent is our gunslinger. Bronzewood is a type of wood with the cnsistency and conductivity of Bronze. The nubers preceding Illis' actions are his rolls. The *ooc* refers to an out of chat sequence, or out of game speach, while *in game* refers to him acting in character, in role.
sorry about the confusion.
I think I speak for everyone when I say, 9544683, WTF?
Dude, I'm drunk and I understood the problem with saying "liver" to a zombie. Then again, I often play with weird folks, so a conversation in which the only word spoken is "brains" isn't that odd of a situation to me.
"I like **** better." - same gentleman, referred to the pronunciation of the last syllable of "Heckler and Coch" (were playing Cyberpunk then)
"Guys, I just realized I don't have any balls." - while playing Rolemaster, one wizardly player realized he was 1 level short of casting fireball, lightning ball, etc.
Illis Litefoot: Hey guys, I got this one. *ooc* I open the door, and attempt to communicate with the Zombies.
DM: Okay... the door opoens slightly. The Zombies stop, and one of them steps forward.
Zombie: Brains?
DM: okay... roll the d20 [house rulews for languages]
Illis Litefoot: *ooc* 20! *in game* Brains! Brains brains brains.
Zombie: Brains, brains brains brains brains? Brains brains brains brains...?
Illis Litefoot: *ooc* 19! *in game* Brains, brains brains. Brains. *points at comrades* brains brains.
Zombie: Brains brains brains brains brains. Brains.
Illis Litefoot: *ooc* 4... *in game* Brains brains brains liver,
DM: the horde of zombies turn on you, and take you into a surprise round. You awake several hours later, brainless.
Vincent Wilder: *ooc* Good job, Illis! Let me see your character sheet.
Love it. Reminds me of a scene where our characters were fleeing some zombies and were holed up in a barn. Our ranger heard some sounds outside and was going to go out and investigate.
Ranger: Okay, I'm going out to take a look.
Leader Guy: Okay, but be careful out there.
Cleric: Hey... we should have some sort of secret knock so we know it's you!
Me (theif): Yeah. How about "groans, *random scratching* brains! BRAINS!"
-Qual
Jearaeu (7th lv. Drow Shadowdancer): I'm looking over the fallen trunk, what do I see?
DM: A horde of zombies. About a hundred or so. All shuffling in your direction.
Jearaeu: I shadow jump into the middle of them and pretend to be one. (disguise check: Natural 20)
DM: Okay. They don't even notice you.
Jearaeu: Imhotep! Imhotep!
Zombies: :invasion:
DM: They all turn around, realizing that anyone stupid enough to pretend to be a zombie must not have very good brains...
So we head furthur into the caves, and find the treasure. Of course, the dragon gets alerted to our precense, but the Warlock and his Barbarian friend come in, and we decide to have a competition (whoever brings down the Dragon gets the kill.)
It occurs to me this would be an excellent time to hang back, wait until they dispatch the dragon, then attack and kill your weakened foes.
Rikku (assasain): Anything else flying at us?
DM: Yes.
Rikku: What?
DM: A stoat.
Knoll (necromancer): Dodging the flying weasel, we press on towards the library.
We got a good laugh out of that, and that happened about five minutes before i posted this.
(All hail EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
) 
another of my favorite stories is when i took a newb group of PC's through a low level dungeon, and the sorc had cast a spell that had knocked out a goblin, while the fighter and cleric cleared out the rest of his kin in the room. they tied up the goblin and took his weapons, and waited for him to regain connciusness. while this could be good Roleplay time, these guys didnt have the experiance to pull it off, and would end up breaking the whole session with OoC jokes and what not, so i gave the Gobbo a secret boot compartment with a poison pill in it. the session ends up lke this
DM(me):ok, the gobbo finally wakes up
Fighter: ok, im going to ask him about the details to this place, and if he has any more treasure on him.
Cleric:*OoC joke i cant remeber*
Whole party:*hahahahahaha*5 mins later*ok, what does he say
DM:
yeh, he says that he has a secret treasure, but he needs to be untoed first to get it.Fighter: sure, cleric you do it, andill ready my swords(TWF)
DM: the gobbo takes very slow and steady movements, and opens his boot and takes something out.
Sorc: opens his BOOT?
Whole party:*hahahhahahhaha*
DM: yeah, and he says, "HA FOOLS!" and eats the object, promtly falling over dead.
Party
ok, we search the other gobbo's shoesi knew i couldnt have only 1 gobbo have suicide pills, so i had the other gobbos have them too. big mistake
Whole party: *metagame about things we could do with this*
DM: while youre talking, the pill disolves in your hand
Fighter:
what? how the h3ll?DM:*insert some bull story that sounds plausible*
Fighter
at the perfect time, while the cleric is drinking some milk) wow, that woulda been great.. *holds hand up, with 1st finger and thumb about a finger apart* "HA FOOLS" PSSSST!*closes fingers together* the cleric just exploded, sent milk everywhere, ruined his character sheet, stopped the session right there, but IMO was worht it. now that phrase still haunts all our gameplay, with crys of, "HA FOOLS" being heard around dungeons everywhere. the best part is that while the cleric was standing over the sink, trying to clean up, he also tried to finish the rest of his milk, which he hadnt spouted from his nose, at the same time the fighter repeated his line, ausing yet anohter caustic explosion... definately put a hold on the adventuer(SP damnable word)DM: "Sitting on top of the defaced altar is a small portable altar to a familiar god. Just above the bowl you see the inscription-"
Silver: "Bowl? What's the inscription say, American Standard?"
Mira: "Ah, the porcelin god!"
Niomi: "Insert tithing here, then pull handle to hear the roar of the gods!"
Witch 1: You should not have come, mortals!!!
Witch 2: You have made this hallow ground foul with your taint!
1/2 elf female ranger: You are the ones who have tainted this forest with your sacrifice and desicration.
Gnome Bard: (nervously) Ixnay on the esicration-day....
Half-Celestial fighter: Because i spent it all gambling, i told you...
Halfling fighter: Hey... what's your intelligence?
Half-Celestial fighter: Umm... 18, why?
Halfling fighter: If your so smart then why are you so poor?
:D:D:D
Changeling: "Said they captured about 20 Orcs at Santa Marina. Its 10 miles south of the porn town of Ankh Moporok."
Anti-Elf Elf: (I demand that we go to the porn town!)
I would like to take this time to thank Kittencaboodle for starting this thread. By far the best I have seen on the boards.
Hear hear and three chears!!!!!!!!!
Hughman
P.S. you do realise that this thread has been going on for 3 years now? got to be a record on these very active boards!
start archiving now, and you will not be sad in the near future
at least, not about missing this thread.
carry on
namaste'
the hamster
pls note, mid-september, all threads over 1000 posts will be culled.
start archiving now, and you will not be sad in the near future
at least, not about missing this thread.
I am new to this. How?
I am new to this. How?
Every now and then the Mods go through and clear out old threads. This time (or maybe every time; I wasn't here for the last "spring cleaning") they said that they will also be clearing out threads which are over 1000 posts.... seems silly to me. I mean, I know that those threads take up the most bandwidth, but that's because they are the most popular. I mean, that's what we're here for, posting on threads, so you'd think the one that gets the most posting would be the LAST one they get rid of....
DM -- He rolled a Crit on you. Sorry.
Cleric -- (shrug) Eh, Crit happens.
Wizard -- (standing against the wall in a bar fight) I drink defensively.
Finian "The Quick, Gnome bard: *looks at the party's Cleric, Aero* you can have Aero, he's magical enough...
note: i didn't like Aero at that time. later, i grew to HATE him since he made us step into the evil sidestory by asking a Lawful Evil NPC for help. A GOOD CLERIC ASKING A LAWFUL EVIL NPC FOR HELP FFS! he also didn't tell us that this NPC was evil-as-hell, nor that all of his "associates" were evil-as-hell. GOD i hated Aero...
yea. ok, no one post for 1 week. :D
I've already gone through and started saving pages. I'm up to 22. If getting it stickied isn't going to save this thread, I don't think anything will.
In the meantime... Enjoy
Player 1 -- How many heads does your hydra have?
Player 2 -- Oh, at least 20.
Player 1 -- How many below the belt.
Player 2 -- I was talking about below the belt.
Player 1 -- I wonder how Hydras breed...
Player 3 -- Well, through their nose or mouth I would imagine.
Group --
Player 1 -- No, BREED. Not BREATHE.
a conversation they had in town when looking for clues.
Player one: Where is the nearest shugenja school? hes a shugenja so they'd probably take him there.
Player two:If they captured him i dont think they would take him to school...
Me: You can use your spells.
Cleric: No, I won't use them.
Me: Suit yourself.
(The battle, I eventually win)
Cleric: I only lost because I didn't use spells.
"Well, yeah, but come on, if your flying crap kills a Goblin, no one's really gonna care."
First person to guess the context of that phrase gets a cookie. :D
But since this was probably more serious, I would probably say it actually used the "Fly" spell somewhere. Best guess is that either the wizard himself or the party fighter had Fly cast on him, grappled the goblin, flew up really high, and dropped the goblin like they drop a deuce.
Ranger: "I was expecting a trap, or ice cold water... but sugar?"
Cleric: "Yeah sure, why not? I collect a sample."
Druid: "Maybe we're under a store house and this is a crate of sugar?"
Sorcerer: "Maybe we're right under our vampire too."
Druid: "At no point should I be l looking up the dress of a vampire and sugar comes pouring out!"
Me: I aim to please.
Him: No you don't, you aim to be evil.
Me: Please, evil what's the difference, beside Return to the Temple of Elemental Fluffy Bunnies would not be as exciting.
Well, since we're talking about "flying crap", a literalist's view would be that he cast "Summon Feces" on the goblin and threw a tindertwig on him.
But since this was probably more serious, I would probably say it actually used the "Fly" spell somewhere. Best guess is that either the wizard himself or the party fighter had Fly cast on him, grappled the goblin, flew up really high, and dropped the goblin like they drop a deuce.
Actually, you were closer the first time, it came about from a player asking whether Sharn was an upscale city or the sort of place where they threw trash out the window. I told her it depended on what part of the city they were in. Then another player pointed out that those towers are so high if you emptied the chamber pot out the window it could kill someone. Which led me to start speculating...
Actually, you were closer the first time, it came about from a player asking whether Sharn was an upscale city or the sort of place where they threw trash out the window. I told her it depended on what part of the city they were in. Then another player pointed out that those towers are so high if you emptied the chamber pot out the window it could kill someone. Which led me to start speculating...
And this, folks, is why I never should go for the logical explanation.
Wizard -- I need to come up with something that doesn't take up a slot.
Druid -- How about earrings?
Wizard -- No... Not everything I polymorph into has ears.
Druid -- Well... What about a Prince Albert. Everything you transform into could have a pen*s.
DM -- (coughs) If you ever say something like that again while I have a mouthful of pop, I cannot be held responsible if you get soaked.
It occurs to me this would be an excellent time to hang back, wait until they dispatch the dragon, then attack and kill your weakened foes.
That was actually my idea at first, (although I was hoping the dragon would kill them and be weakened), but the Warmage insisted on being "honorable" and going into the battle
Oh well. Maybe next time...The second one has the same group of characters, we have large caravansary wagon and two huge horses, We get attacked by a Insect Druid and 4 Large Scorpian pets. Druid is killed off quickly by the Paladin then the Scorpians go after us, seeing us as food. I go down. Cleric heals me, Paladin kills one scorpian, dwarf goes down, I heal dwarf, Paladin goes down, I heal Paladin, Dwarf goes down, I hide under the wagon. Paladin goes down again, Ghome (me) is still under the wagon, Scorpians fight each other, one goes down, other two attack horses, Kill horses, one takes both horses and runs off, other scorpian chases after. I get up, heal the paladin and dwarf and then say, "I guess you two will have to pull the wagon."
IBM, you do realise you're stopping loads of people get the pleasure of laughing at some idiot who thought the ambassador was a man. Our lot did just the same...
Ok he only did the first one and didn't screw up quite as much
I, for one, would have said to the stableboy after finding out it was a she not a he. He had that sex change after all, did he?
Me (Rogue): Ok, I climb down the ledge as silently as possible *rolls*
DM: ok, you hop onto the top of the cage without making a sound, you see a human in the cage stare at you, but the giant doesn't seem to notice.
Me: ok, I put a finger to my lips and motion for him to be silent
DM: he nods eagerly
Me: Ok, I climb down the cage onto the floor silently
*rolls*
DM: ok, you're on the ground in front of the cage door, the giant doesn't seem to notice you, you make no noise climbing down
Me: Quietly and quickly, I pull out my tools and attempt to pick the lock *rolls*
DM: The lock opens with great ease. To everyone: you notice (the rogue), with one single fluid motion, pull out his lockpicks, jab them in the lock, flick his wrist and the lock opens with flamboyant grace.
Me: thinking quickly, I open the door!
DM: "CRRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!"
After the laughter died, we rolled initiative.
Str 9 -2
Dex 14 +2
con 13 -2
Int 18
Wis 9 -2
Cha 10
Just had to share that with everyone.. She is going to be.. hilarious to play.
DM: Robert M, one of the best DMs I've ever played under.
Lance: Myself, party sorcerer.
Benjamin: Party leader, dextrous fighter.
...and random others not mentioned here
---
DM: okay, you have officially reached the point where you can cast level 9 spells. [cough]Pesky sorcerer[/cough].
Lance: really? Great! Anyhow... Guys? Lets rest for the night. I think we might need it, for tomorrow will be a horrowing day for us.
Party: Agreed.
Benjamin: Well... sure. These parts are (rolls, gets 16 on knowledge: local check, consults Robert) not terribly infested with monsters. We should be fine. None shall stand guard tonight.
*next day, after we are all well rested.*
DM: Right. You awake, and find that all of your rations have been stolen. Gimme a search check?
Party: 15, 22, 10, 19, 6
DM: Alrighty, you all see the tracks of Kobolds and bread crumbs leading away from your encampment. What do you do?
Lance: Hold on guys, I want to try something before we go. [i enter a cross-legged position, chant a small incantation, and wave my hands a bit.] WISH!
DM: [assumes the role of my deity] Aye, and what do yea want, laddy?
Lance: Thank you for answering my call, oh worshipped one. I want to be able to cast spells at a greater ferocity than anyone has ever seen(maximize spell, basically). Can you grant this to me?
DM: [still as deity] Certainly, laddy! [normal voice] Let me see your character sheet?
Lance: [ooc] why?
DM: I'm going to add the feat to your list, and alter everything accordingly.
Lance: [hesitantly] ...right. Here you go, Rob.
DM: *writes in -Maximize Spell, Metamagic- under my Feats section, holds on to character sheet* Right.
Lance: ...well? Can i get my sheet back, Robert?
DM: No. [as DM] You suddenly feel powerful. Very powerful. Almost like you could cast fireball at its maximum capacity, and still live to tell the tale. Then *begins to slowly rip up my character sheet*, you feel like you are in pieces. A lot of pieces. Really, really tiny pieces. *takes out lighter, puts my once character sheet on the floor* Now, you kinda feel a tingly sensation. Almost like your individual pieces are burning. And suddenly... You are gone, just a pile of ash.
Party: :OMG!
DM: [oog] And that is why you NEVER ask for a wish or divine intervention in my games. Let that be a lesson to you.
---
thankfully, i keep a replacement character sheet at home. So I sat out for that game, and watched. Many a moment passed, but I was just swept into a Ziploc baggie and stored for the next adventure. They revived me, but at a level below my previous one.
Needless to say, it was traumatizing. And... the party couldn't stop laughing. Myself included. XD
oh, and... I didnt say it was a good memory, did I? ;D
You are going to multiclass into wizard and then daggerspell mage, right?
I thought wizard's needed wisdom....
I thought wizard's needed wisdom....
Nope...that's one of their "dump" stats. Not sure if you need it for multi-classing, but you definitely don't "need" it for being a wizard.
Cleric, druid, ranger, paladin are the "main" classes that require Wisdom.
Nope...that's one of their "dump" stats. Not sure if you need it for multi-classing, but you definitely don't "need" it for being a wizard.
Cleric, druid, ranger, paladin are the "main" classes that require Wisdom.
And Monks.
Wizard, *rolls and gives result*
DM, "Don't forget your negative levels."
Wizard, "I don't have any.” (having never gotten in melee)
Rest of the Party (each of whom have at least 2),
DM, "WHAT? No negative levels? You're cheating!"
Party,
Once we've "killed" the vampire (with ridiculous damage) we're searching for it's coffin so we can stop it from coalescing and get it for good when...
Wizard, "Vampire in a box. Some assembly required."
DM: No. [as DM] You suddenly feel powerful. Very powerful. Almost like you could cast fireball at its maximum capacity, and still live to tell the tale. Then *begins to slowly rip up my character sheet*, you feel like you are in pieces. A lot of pieces. Really, really tiny pieces. *takes out lighter, puts my once character sheet on the floor* Now, you kinda feel a tingly sensation. Almost like your individual pieces are burning. And suddenly... You are gone, just a pile of ash.
Party: :OMG!
DM: [oog] And that is why you NEVER ask for a wish or divine intervention in my games. Let that be a lesson to you.
---
Wow...... what a sadistic DM. Man, if my DM tried that on me, I'd be all over him in like a second. A simple "Your character dies from extra magic power, here's your sheet back" is plenty enough for me.
DM: [oog] And that is why you NEVER ask for a wish or divine intervention in my games. Let that be a lesson to you.
Your DM is a jackass. Do I need to go over--again--why it's unnecessary to screw around with wishes nowadays? Oh wait, Jason Nelson-Brown already made all the salient points. 'Bout time.
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/sg/20050902a
Your DM is a jackass. Do I need to go over--again--why it's unnecessary to screw around with wishes nowadays? Oh wait, Jason Nelson-Brown already made all the salient points. 'Bout time.
http://www.wizards.com/default.asp?x=dnd/sg/20050902a
And the point you miss is where it says if you want to make wishes dangerous, twistable bargains, that's ok too, just make sure your characters know ahead of time.
Still... ripping up and burnign a character sheet is a bit excessive.
Bartleby
I was in a group of five testing out an encounter for a DM at a convention. The three involved in this story are a Human Fighter, My Kobold Rog/Cleric (LE, the only evil in the group), and a half-elf ranger.
So, we're looking for some bones, and they seem to be in an area of four-foot deep water with slippery, algae-covered rocks on the bottem. The ranger goes first, botches his balance check, and falls into the water.
Me: You moron! I'll go help him...
I had missed the whole "Four feet of water" thing, so I go in, hoping to use my rediculous Dexterity to help me keep balance. When I am told about the water. I botch my swim check and start drowning.
Me: Argh! No!
Fighter: Okay, I'll go help Tweedle-dee (Me) and Tweedle-dum over there (Succeeds his balance check and picks me up). I hold out Tweedle-dee like a dousing rod so she can locate the bones.
DM: Suddenly, something huge bursts out from the water behind you. It has two large claws and tentacles dangling around its mouth (A Chuul. He shows us the picture as he doesn't have the proper mini (I do! (^_^)). *Rolls* It grabs one of the sailors that you scared into coming with you and begins to devour him.
Fighter: I'll throw the kobold at it.
Me: DON'T YOU DARE!!
(I've already been tied up by the other PC's at least once in this game, though we all laughed about it. It was worse when we were hit with Jolly Roger's form of Tasha's Hideous Laughter)
Fighter:
I was running a game of Shadowrun and the opening of the game had the group of adventurers meeting with a prospective employer. The start up of the scene was the general description and all, and the terms for the job and payment was all to be role played out. The team leader missed out on getting supper so he asked the party to handle the details while he ran out to get some food.
When the party leader player returned he sat down and started rumaging through his bag for his burger or whatever and asked the party with a dubious look and then got back into character.
(Team leader) "All right, I'm back from what I had to take care of. So, we got the job?"
(Samurai player) "Yup. Corporate employee extraction from a medium security site that the Decker thinks isn't medium security at all. And the Shaman is pretty sure there's been some thick Astral activity there in the past couple of weeks."
(Team leader) "Dang. I hate it when the Johnson doesn't level about the risks. What's the payout for the snatch and grab?"
(Samurai) "Oh, the first offer didn't go through so we decided to postpone negotiations on the final terms of payment for after completion of the job."
(Team leader) "What the hell? How can you be sure we'll even get paid???"
(Samurai) " Not a problem, dude. We got Mr. Johnson in the trunk!"
Josh: Helloooooo(waves hand, hand falls off) ohh.
Pc: here let me help you (reattaches hand)
Josh: Thaaaanks! (shakes Pc's hand, it comes off)
Pc: Dude, just nod next time...
Josh: ooook (nods-
Pc: On second thought, don't!
DM: too late...
Lance: ...well? Can i get my sheet back, Robert?
DM: No. [as DM] You suddenly feel powerful. Very powerful. Almost like you could cast fireball at its maximum capacity, and still live to tell the tale. Then *begins to slowly rip up my character sheet*, you feel like you are in pieces. A lot of pieces. Really, really tiny pieces. *takes out lighter, puts my once character sheet on the floor* Now, you kinda feel a tingly sensation. Almost like your individual pieces are burning. And suddenly... You are gone, just a pile of ash.
Party: :OMG!
DM: [oog] And that is why you NEVER ask for a wish or divine intervention in my games. Let that be a lesson to you.
I agree with everyone else. If you're going to be a dick like that, just @^*@)^ing TAKE WISH OUT OF THE SPELL LIST ALTOGETHER! That way people don't have to freaking waste money or worse, spells known on it!
And your DM is an ass, and should be curb-stomped.
Not from a D&D game, so my apologies in advance for that. But still, it was pretty humorous at the time.
I was running a game of Shadowrun and the opening of the game had the group of adventurers meeting with a prospective employer. The start up of the scene was the general description and all, and the terms for the job and payment was all to be role played out. The team leader missed out on getting supper so he asked the party to handle the details while he ran out to get some food.
When the party leader player returned he sat down and started rumaging through his bag for his burger or whatever and asked the party with a dubious look and then got back into character.
(Team leader) "All right, I'm back from what I had to take care of. So, we got the job?"
(Samurai player) "Yup. Corporate employee extraction from a medium security site that the Decker thinks isn't medium security at all. And the Shaman is pretty sure there's been some thick Astral activity there in the past couple of weeks."
(Team leader) "Dang. I hate it when the Johnson doesn't level about the risks. What's the payout for the snatch and grab?"
(Samurai) "Oh, the first offer didn't go through so we decided to postpone negotiations on the final terms of payment for after completion of the job."
(Team leader) "What the hell? How can you be sure we'll even get paid???"
(Samurai) " Not a problem, dude. We got Mr. Johnson in the trunk!"
BWAHAHAAAAAaahaaaaah!
Why do I strongly suspect that this one will end with a post on Dumpshock's Stupid Deaths thread.
Ahh.... not exactly a best line, per se, but certainly a very memorable moment...
Lance: ...well? Can i get my sheet back, Robert?
DM: No. [as DM] You suddenly feel powerful. Very powerful. Almost like you could cast fireball at its maximum capacity, and still live to tell the tale. Then *begins to slowly rip up my character sheet*, you feel like you are in pieces. A lot of pieces. Really, really tiny pieces. *takes out lighter, puts my once character sheet on the floor* Now, you kinda feel a tingly sensation. Almost like your individual pieces are burning. And suddenly... You are gone, just a pile of ash.
Party: :OMG!
DM: [oog] And that is why you NEVER ask for a wish or divine intervention in my games. Let that be a lesson to you.
Someone get me either the clue-by-four or the hammergun. seriously, either metagame and tell the Dm what you want outta game, or take the same lighter FROM the DM and put it to his notes before you leave, please.
Someone get me either the clue-by-four or the hammergun.
As it so happens, we've upgraded.
*Hands Valgaav the new and improved pump-action repeating hammergun.*
And the point you miss is where it says if you want to make wishes dangerous, twistable bargains, that's ok too, just make sure your characters know ahead of time.
Still... ripping up and burnign a character sheet is a bit excessive.
Bartleby
The DM should never, ever twist wishes that a character casts himself. You're paying 5,000 XP for the priviledge! If the DM wants to throw in cursed rings, evil genies, or what-have-you, then I'm fine with trying to mess around with the player, but not when the poor guy had to spend all that XP himself!
Furthermore, "making sure your players know ahead of time" means like before they spent a slot on the Wish spell, not when the cast the wish! The DM was clearly just waiting for him to cast the spell with the full intent of blithely screwing over his friend. He deserves a good, hard shot to the jaw.
And finally, the DM wasn't even creative about how he killed the character. He just sort of... disintegrated. If you MUST twist a wish, don't just say "Okay, a magic sword appears in your hand. Moments later, an elephant lands on you." You might as well declare that the Meteor Swarm he just cast turns into a Great Red Wyrm and eats him.
The DM should never, ever twist wishes that a character casts himself. You're paying 5,000 XP for the priviledge! If the DM wants to throw in cursed rings, evil genies, or what-have-you, then I'm fine with trying to mess around with the player, but not when the poor guy had to spend all that XP himself!
Not according tothe article.
Furthermore, "making sure your players know ahead of time" means like before they spent a slot on the Wish spell, not when the cast the wish! The DM was clearly just waiting for him to cast the spell with the full intent of blithely screwing over his friend. He deserves a good, hard shot to the jaw.
Here I agree wholeheartedly. It's not fair to the players to let them think wish is a safe spell until they cast it. Wish is a major spell. The simply act of researching how to cast it would reveal any dangers involved in casting it. The DM described is a jerk.
And finally, the DM wasn't even creative about how he killed the character. He just sort of... disintegrated. If you MUST twist a wish, don't just say "Okay, a magic sword appears in your hand. Moments later, an elephant lands on you." You might as well declare that the Meteor Swarm he just cast turns into a Great Red Wyrm and eats him.
Agreed again. If there's a side effect, the character should always have the opportunity to react before it kills/maims/transforms/etc them. That action may be as little as making a saving throw or as much as completing a side quest. The greater the twist, the MORE options should be available. I twist wishes. My players have known this from the start. However, I see it as opportunities to expand the game, not expend PC lives. The cited DM doesn't sound particularly creative.
Bartleby
"OK, you spend the next half-hour picking Orc jelly out of your fur."
(I was playing a Weretiger that jumped on & grappled an Orc in a tree, knocking us out of it, then Tumbled to land on top. Between my attack, the fall, and 500 pounds of mancat landing on him he was at something like -30 HP, so the DM said he'd basically been reduced to jelly.)
Not according tothe article.
Perhaps not, but I'm speaking philosophically. I consider that last paragraph to be an addition to appease DMs who are just desperate to screw their players on wishes. If you're not going to get what you wish for, why bother having the spell in the game at all?
Agreed again. If there's a side effect, the character should always have the opportunity to react before it kills/maims/transforms/etc them. That action may be as little as making a saving throw or as much as completing a side quest. The greater the twist, the MORE options should be available. I twist wishes. My players have known this from the start. However, I see it as opportunities to expand the game, not expend PC lives. The cited DM doesn't sound particularly creative.
I think you missed my point entirely. There should never be "side effects". If you want to twist a wish, sure, grant it in a non-standard way, but it's absurd to simply cause an unrelated event.
"I wish for all the gold in the world!"
Bad: Okay, the gold appears. Then you explode.
Good: A massive pile of gold appears, all around you... above you... you're being crushed to death...
That's a fairly obvious example, but still. Side effects are the refuge of DMs boxed in by the phrasing of the wish who still desperately want to discourage wishing.
The wish in question was perfectly reasonable and well within the limits of a Wish (in fact, I'd call it a limited wish if it only affects the next spell he casts) so a good twist would be if it were, say, Widened without his knowing it. He DID just say "more ferocity"... so he accidentally blasts his friends with the Maximized Fireball as well as his foes.
If I may ask, why do you feel the need to screw over players who want to use a Wish? Why SHOULD it do anything other than what they asked for?
Something you should know, perhaps?
All of us have back-up character sheets, and whenever he does something to that effect and/or magnitude, he ensures that we have said backups. All that really happened, when all was said and done, I was out of the game for the day, and had to replace the once-character sheet with an older one. Not all that bad, but... still a good story. He is mildly sadistic, but... Feh. It really isnt all that bad, in my opinion.
Just thought you may want to know that side of the story before you start calling him an
, a , or even a again.And.... for what its worth, it was a very funny moment.
Wizard: Well Im back.
Warlock: The others....are they....dead?
Wizard: Oh no off chasing an undead horde or some such thing...ready to go?
Warlock:....uh...i guess....i know dont touch you there...
Wizard: Yes, never touch a wizards rod you know.....
Our fighting monk had pretty much skewered a fairly large monster and his sword got stuck. He failed his strength check to pull the sword out (natural 1), so when the monster went down, the ninja followed, catapult-style!
KAPWING!
We were rolling for about 10 whole minutes.
The party Fighter thought it would be a good idea to tangle with an entire boat of Slaad, even though the DM said that we can leave them alone and they would leave us alone.
PC: 'And Judge... That's when we fed him to the Slaad!'
AD&D Custom Campaign.
Character was Fighting a mirror match.
PC: 'God
, why can't I kill myself?!?!?!'Same Campaign.
PC to DM: 'Is that thunder or are you rolling Damage?'
DM was rolling in exces of 30 d6's for a damage roll.
Kavu.
"Aagh, they're eating me!"
"At my signal, run like cowards!"
"I thought you said the things living down here were friendly!"
If you're not going to get what you wish for, why bother having the spell in the game at all?
I think you missed my point entirely. There should never be "side effects".
It's called a litereary convention. There are lots of examples of characters getting wishes across lierature. In EVERY case, the wisher ends up regretting what was wished for or how it was wished for. You could fill books with short stories written by a who's who of literature with nothing but wish-gone-bad stories. There's a Brendan Frasier movie (admittedly, a bad one) dedicated to the subject. There's a god-blessed folk saying all abouit it (Be careful what you wish for, yuio might get it.) Like it or not, D&D is based on literature and legend (hello, Tolkien? Who based his books on medieval legend?). As far as I'm concerned, not twisting a poorly thought out or worded Wish is like turning my back on the basis of the game. There should ALWAYS be side effects, though sometimes they might be minor. I don't need your agreement or even understanding. That's how it is in my games. Don't bother saying you won't play my game because of it. I don't really care. I've got six people who accept that I run my games the way I want to and who know where the door is anytime they don't like the game.
Bad: Okay, the gold appears. Then you explode.
Good: A massive pile of gold appears, all around you... above you... you're being crushed to death...
Actually both are bad. Both involve immediate, unavoidable death. The only difference is you've prettied up the second one with more colorful description.
Good: Ok, you are suddenly surrounded by massive piles of gold in all possible shapes. Included are pieces you recognize from that visit to the king, your mom's favorite candelabra, and the Barbarian's front teeth.
Then, since no one has gold anymore, the economy collapses (all the rich people and merchants just lost most of their wealth) and is slowly rebuilt on a silver base or on barter. Gold, being almost useless for tools, arms and armor, or any other practical use, loses its value like stock in an abacus company.
Side effects are the refuge of DMs boxed in by the phrasing of the wish who still desperately want to discourage wishing.
Wrong. Plain and simple. I let my PCs do pretty much what they want, with warnings of obvious consequences tossed in here and there for charcaters with decent Wis scores. Any wish will get a PC exactly what they ask for. Well worded wishes, made within the limits of the spell, will be closer to what the wisher wants. Poorly worded wishes or those that go beyond the limits of the spells always result in notable side effects. Poorly worded wishes that are also outside the limits invoke DM whim. My players know this.
The wish in question was perfectly reasonable and well within the limits of a Wish (in fact, I'd call it a limited wish if it only affects the next spell he casts) so a good twist would be if it were, say, Widened without his knowing it. He DID just say "more ferocity"... so he accidentally blasts his friends with the Maximized Fireball as well as his foes.
As stated before, I agree with you in that this particular example is excessive and abusive.
If I may ask, why do you feel the need to screw over players who want to use a Wish? Why SHOULD it do anything other than what they asked for?
Wishes are, by literary, legendary, and customary precedent, dangerous things. Their use requires forethought and careful wording. Often, PCs go barging through their adventures without any thought at all.
And by the way, "screwing over players" is failing to offer your players a flavorful, entertaining experience, not refusing to cater to their whims.
Bartleby
(p.s. I doubt you'll end up agreeing with me on any of this. If you're interested in further intelligent discussion, send me an email, it should be listed through the boards. If you just want to whine and complain about the unfairness of DMs doing their job by making sure their words make sense, then don't expect an answer. I'm done arguing.)
If you mess with a Wish, and it means people enjoy the game more (including in the long run, which doesn't happen if you give them unlimited power or something), then it's good.
If you mess with a Wish, and it means people get annoyed, then it's bad.
There, I just solved the Wish issue... now give me a cookie.
In all that literature, the reason the person's Wishes are being twisted is because some malignant force is responsible for granting it.
If you're whipping out a Djinni or an evil God or something else - yes, then by all means, twist that piggie 'till he squeals.
When the player is forking over 5,000 of his own Experiance Points, then twisting is uncalled for unless he Wishes for something that's way out there.
I just want everyone to know that I read all 999 posts before I made the 1,000th one.
You missed one ;)
It's called a litereary convention. There are lots of examples of characters getting wishes across lierature.
You're speaking of the Monkey's Paw effect, which I like, but my point is that Merlin never get Monkey Pawed by his own spells. To me, Wish is just like any other spell, and it does what you ask of it. The exception is when there are other circumstances; for example the Monkey's Paw would be akin to a ring of wishes, except for its curse that the wish is always fulfilled in a way you won't like. Wishes granted by a Demon Lord or an efreet or any hostile entity are similarly likely to be twisted. But if I'm casting the spell using my own personal power, why would it twist? I'm the guy in control! I'm altering reality to suit my whim!
Actually both are bad. Both involve immediate, unavoidable death. The only difference is you've prettied up the second one with more colorful description.
Okay, that's true. I can only say in my defense that I wasn't trying to come up with a really GOOD example, though I did consider the economic collapse thing.
Wishes are, by literary, legendary, and customary precedent, dangerous things. Their use requires forethought and careful wording. Often, PCs go barging through their adventures without any thought at all.
To which my reply is, when was the last story you saw where the protagonist was casting Wish by himself? All the examples you're giving are cases where an outside agency is GRANTING a wish, which gives huge latitude for abuse. And yes, a foolish wish outside the power level of the spell gives the DM a free hand to slap around the poor PC, but that's not what you said. You said EVERY wish, EVERY time. That's what I object to.
That said, I doubt that such a house rule would even be a barrier to my playing in your game. I certainly wouldn't Wish for things that weren't explicitly listed in the book, but whatever. I don't want you to think I think you're a bad DM; I enjoy reading about your 'best lines' and it sounds like a fun time. Wishing is a rather minor piece of the game, and as you say, if you warn everyone ahead of time that Wishes can be dangerous, no problem. However, it seems like creating a "flavorful, entertaining experience" is more based on the nature of the campaign than on the specific handling of a single spell, especially when the handling of it discourages USING the spell.
When the player is forking over 5,000 of his own Experiance Points, then twisting is uncalled for unless he Wishes for something that's way out there.
Precisely.
Thank you.
What, no Saarlac pit?
/me is not worthy.
But really, I think titling your post with "Get off this thread" in bold is really, really offensive.
There are so many memories I have, but I can't seem to remember them! Here's one that comes to mind:
3.5, low level party. A human fighter who is an ex-fisherman (uses harpoons and what-not), a Neraph Ranger (this is a really cool race with no LA), and a cleric of nerull.
A barfight breaks out in the tavern we are all in. Y'know, people start fighting, breaking bottles etc. The PCs all join in. Everything is going well, 'till one of the drunks smashes Rusty Shackleford (the fighter) over the head with a bottle.
DM: "Okay, one of the drunks swings at you with a wine bottle." *rolls* "He hits you for 4 damage, and the bottle smashes into pieces."
Rusty: OOC "Lethal or non-lethal damage!?"
DM: "Lethal."
Rusty: "Okay." *rolls dice*
DM: "What are you doing?"
Rusty: "I'm impaling the guy on my harpoon."
DM: "What!?"
Rusty: *looks at dice* "Natural 20! Rolling to confirm..."
Everyone else: *stares anxiously at the rolling dice*
Rusty: "A total of 18, he's mine!"
DM: "Okay, you turn and impale the poor sap on your massive harpoon, he yelps a little then just gurgles and slumps over..."
The rest of the party members decided to start killing all the drunks. It was a blood bath. They didn't know the RULES of barfights (i.e., NO KILLING!).
MUST GO INTO SIGGY!!
We were playing Revised Star Wars d20, with the time set before the Clone Wars or the fall of the Republic. My character was an ex-Republic Commando (honorable discharge, thank you) that had trained a few NPC's a few sessions back for some cash and RP purposes. It turned out that my best student was one of the BBEG's cronies. So when we where finishing the "final mission" we had to go through her. We knocked her into the negatives with superior firepower, but then I had the brilliant idea to tranqualize her so that we wouldn't have to kill her but could still keep going. Silly me, I used a 1d2 dart launcher on someone with -9 wound points. And my student dies.
However, the best part is what I did out of character.
Self: I did WHAT?!?
GM: You killed her with your dart launcher.
Self: Well,
. O.O.C. As I slowly erect myself on my own crucifex...Room: YOU WHAT!
GM: Dude, it's Good Friday!
Self: Sonofa! Just end it already...
DM (me): You see a...hole in one corner, a pile of trash in another, a mug, and a pack of cards.
Player: I look at the hole
DM: (Spot roll) It appears to be just big enough for a small dog to go through, and there are some missing tiles, and some burn marks.
Player: I look in the trash.
DM: (Search check) You find nothing of value.
Player: I look at the pack of cards.
DM: It's an ordinary deck of playing cards.
Player: I take them.
DM: Okay...anything else?
Player: What else was there?
DM: A mug.
Player: I look at that.
DM: It's an ordinary bar mug, extremely filthy.
Player: I take it.
DM: Why?!
Player: To sell it.
DM: Okay...
Another Dungeon of Randomness Room
DM: You see a hole in the ceiling.
Player: Okay, I want to see what's up there.
DM: It's too high.
Player: Can I climb the rocks?
DM: Still too high. And the walls have no grip.
Player: Okay...I have Summon Monster I prepared right?
DM: Yes you do.
Player: What can I summon with that?
DM: (reads off the list)
Player: I summon the owl and send it up there.
DM: Okay...he flies up to the hole, and the next thing you know, blood spills down on your face.
Player:
Pennel - DM and keeper of the DMPC James, the third level cleric of Lathander. Human.
Andrew - Benny (Bonnoldsworth shortened) the third level fighter. Human
Cross - Sam the fighter/rogue/cleric of Olidamarra. Human.
Also, we like to play Final Fantasy 8 music while we play. It rocks so hardcore. Especially when we accidently get the music to sinc perfectly with our descriptions and actions. We're also playing a homebrew world based on some old RPG for the playstation so we just threw in whatever gods we felt like.
DM: Allright, your done getting some lunch from the tavern.
Sam: Damn good chicken! (we were eating hotwings in real life)
DM: so where to?
Sam: TO THE BLACKSMITH! I want a blungeoner weapon of doom!
DM: Ok, you find The Elrich brothers Alchemy and Blacksmith shop.
BenPC: That sounds familiar
DM: You're not there. You're looking for a magic shop remember? Anyway You see a big guy, like 7 foot tall hammering away on stuff and a little guy reading a book.
Sam: Excuse me but I want a mace of many hurts! and do you have any chicken?
SamPC: they gotta have good chicken. 11 herbs and spices and whatnot.
fast forward
DM: Ok Andrew, you find a shop thats call Galwort's Shop of magic and oddities.
BennyPC: I go in.
DM: You notice your hand goes right through the doorknob.
BennyPC: Oh cool, I walk through it.
DM: you see a puzzled looking man inside
Benny: Hello, I was wondering,
Galwort: Who are you?
Benny: I'm Bonnaldsworth of the Seline guard, investigating the recent outcropping of monsters. I was
Galwort: Who am I?
DM: Spot check
BennyPC: 17
DM: you notice that there's a half drunk bottle of a strange liquid in his hand. Alchemy check.
BennyPC: Damn, 21 untrained.
DM: oh hell. Ok you realized that he messed up his potion and instead made a temporary memory erasal potion.
SamPC: Yeah you notice how the blue hue of the potion and the black and gold specks means that the potion is made with black lotus extract and could either have been one of three things, seeing how he's not dead and how he's acting, you determine that he must have drank a potion of mind whipe.
Fastfoward. Ben has swindled the shop from the poor confused magician. Sam comes by and notices Ben crossing out Galwarts and writing Bonnaldsworth's.
Sam: Normally I'm the one tagging up the town.
Benny: No look, I bought this shop.
Sam: But we're on an adventure, what can we do with a shop? and where did you get the money?
Benny: This crazy Galwart guy was in a big hurry to leave town and sold me his shop for 1 gold.
DM: Sense motive.
SamPC: Natural 1!
Sam: Dude that's awesome!
DM: you go inside and
Sam: Oh weird, an eyeball in a jar, *tap tap*
DM: Yeah, it follows you as you move around the shop.
SamPC: creepy. I put a cloth over it.
BennyPC: I'm looking around to see if I can recognize anything.
DM: Most of the stuff is unlabled, but you do notice some potions have picture labels on them.
Sam: Cool this is like pictionary!
DM: You see Emperor's New Groove? It's like those jars. "This isn't poison, it's LLAMA!"
SamPC: my dad met the squirell in that movie.
Fast foward.
DM: You notice some kind of walking sticks.
SamPC: Oh hey! Detect magic!
DM: Your eyes practically explode from the intense magic eminating from the room.
Sam: AUGHHHHH! (PC falls on floor)
Benny: What's a matter?
Sam: I casted detect magic. My ocular organs. They're on fire!
Fastfoward. Sam goes to try and sell the shop to the Elrich brothers, but is thrown out because he was being goofy. Galwart comes back right headed after Sam returns, demands Sam and Ben to leave. Goes into firey inferno form. Sam hightails it out of there, Benny insists it's his shop, wins initiative, critical hits Galwart with his double sword for the win.
After a discussion with the devil and angel on Ben's shoulders, and a simular discussion with Sam's, it's decided its best to alert the town guard and make it seem like the magician went mad. After a long discussion with the guard where Sam wasn't helping one bit, the guard decide to investigate.
Guard: May we see the deed for the building?
SamPC: Crap! I forgot to mess with it, guess its for the best, I didn't put any ranks in forgery.
Ben: Uh.. here.
Guard: This hasn't been signed.
Ben: Wha?
Guard: It still says Galwart owns the place, it hasn't been transfered to you.
Ben: Well I uh...
DM: Bluff Check.
BenPC: Look! Dude, natural 20!
Guard: Well I suppose he was pretty crazy at the time. He must have forgot.
Sam: How in the hell? The sheet came off of that **** eyeball.
SamPC: I go and put it back on.
Guard: Who are you two anyway, I've never seen you in town before.
Ben: I am Bonnaldsworth of Seline town guard.
Guard: Our rivals? This is starting to look fishy again.
Sam: Well we are adventurers. You know with the slaying of monsters and big ol catfish and the Doot doot da doo domp dah doot da doooo! (FF8 victory tune).
Guard/DM: *whispers in BenPC's ear*
BenPC: *Whispers back nodding head*
Guard: Guards! Apprehend him! *Points to Sam*
Sam: Wha!
Guard: You are obviously a mad man. You will be kept in a cell for your own protection and the rest of the town's protection until your friend here is ready to leave town.
Sam: *surrenders without a fight and is being taken away* Do you have chicken?
Guard: Yes we do.
Sam: Rock on!
Guard: But you won't be getting any
Sam: Ah man!
Fastfoward. Ben goes off to look for James.
SamPC: Since Olidimarra encourages music, I'm going to sing while I'm in my cell. Nice, 3 on my untrained perform singing check.
Sam: *does the chocobo music(
Guard: Throw him some more chicken so he shuts up!
Sam: These people love me!
Fastfoward. Ben is unsucessful in finding James. Decides to try and sell the shop to the Elrich brothers. They offer 2000 gold for the shop. Ben's apraise check tells him the building alone is worth 5000 not to mention the goods inside. The brothers will not go over 2000 and after hard negotiations, Ben is thrown out of the shop in the same fashion Sam was. Ben returns to the shop where a guard and Sam are waiting.
Guard: We can't stand him anymore. Keep him, inside, until you leave for your adventure or whatever.
Sam: It was awesome, they fed me all kinds of chicken. Its wasn't the best, but it was still pretty good.
Ben: Well I'm glad to see my plan worked out.
DM: Sense motive.
SamPC: Natural 1 again!
Sam: You planned it all along? Awesome!
Ben: Yes I was looking out for you best interests. I thought you would like a free meal.
Sam: You're so nice. Hey did you ever find out what happened to James?
Ben: No but I did hear about this cabin with this crazy gnome.
Sam: is there any other kind?
Fastforward to near dusk.
DM: Well its getting dark. You've notice the store has plenty of space for you both and James if he comes back.
BenPC: We should check to see how the door works so nobody ransacks the place.
DM: You notice a lever beside the door with four possitions. It's in the top position.
BenPC: You work the level and I'll go outside and see if I can get back in.
SamPC: Ok I move the lever to the second postion.
DM: Ok Cross, you see the door turn to a kind of grey color. Andrew, on your side the doors says "Do Not Disturb"
BenPC: I knock on the door and tell Sam what I see.
DM: Gimme your character sheet.
BenPC: Wha?
DM: Gimme your character sheet.
BenPC: *Hands over Character sheet*
DM: Ok Cross, what now?
SamPC: Do I hear anything from Ben?
DM: No.
SamPC: Lemme see what I got. Ok I poke the door with one of my sunrods.
DM: It turns to stone.
Sam: Ben! Oh crap oh Crap.
SamPC: I turn the lever back to the first position and go outside.
DM: You notice that Ben has been turned to stone.
Sam: Crap, it's late, I can't go for help, and I'm not suppose to be outside.
SamPC: I drag Ben back inside the shop.... and put a drape over him.
DM: Nice
SamPC: I'll go to sleep and look for help in the morning.
DM: Ok it's morning.
SamPC: Ok, I do my morning stuff, go get some grub and...
Sam: Crap thats right, Ben is Stoned.... Heh.
SamPC: Are there any temples around?
DM: You find one devoted to Talos.
SamPC: Ooo is he a Minotaur god?
DM: No.
SamPC: I'm going to make a knowledge religion check. uh... will 3 do it?
DM: No. but make a knowledge local check.
SamPC: How about a 4?
DM: Ok no. But you figure from the decor outside that Talos must be a lightning god.
SamPC: Well he can't be such a bad guy then. I go in and look for help.
DM: The inside is decked out with black iron. Lighting is shooting all over the place and especially the altar.
SamPC: oh cool!
DM: Talos is the Evil god of lightning
SamPC: Oh ****
TalosClergy1: Ah, cleric of Olidamarra, how may we help you.
Sam: Hi, I was uh... well you see, my friend has been turned to stone and I was wondering if you could turn him back.
TalosClergy1: We can, but we want compensation.
Sam: Of course, how much.
TC1: 3k
SamPC: I uh... platinum is ten gold.... have 172 gold.
TC1: Are you insulting us? Boys! *Big brawny clergy come up*
Sam: No no, I was just
TC1: You come into our temple, demanding a service that you're not going to pay for.
TC2: Should I break his legs boss?
Sam: I meant no disrespect I just wanted
TC1: Get out.
Sam: Right-O!
Fastforward, Sam's PC discusses his options out loud in public with his hood drawn up since he's not suppose to be outside unsupervised.
SamPC: Well I suppose I could try that crazy gnome up on
BenPC: Or you could buy a potion or something it can't be that much
DM: KIBITZING!
SamPC: I was going to get to that if you had let me finish. Ok I go to the Elrich's shop.
Fastfoward. Sam decides to sell the shop for 1k and for the Elrich brothers to turn Ben back. Ben isn't happy the shop has been sold while he was stone and the brothers offer to turn him back to stone. The group leaves.
Sam and Ben then find out that last night James went crazy and killed a person and was found eating a person. Lycanthropy was the party's first assumption which proved to be false. James is due for execution at some unknown point in time and James says that he has been tunneling his way out but thinks he's not going to make it in time. He suggests Ben and Sam get outside and start digging to help.
Guard: Ok James, it's time.
Ben: Now hold on when was this man's trial?
Sam: *coughes 'stall him'* James, I'm sorry. I can't see you like this.
SamPC: I count my steps as I leave the jail and go in the direction James said he was digging. Uh... its not out in the open is it?
DM: Its in a back alley.
SamPC: I cast Summon Monster I. I want a badger!
DM: You summon a badger, *makes badger noises*
Sam: Dig little buddy dig!
Ben continues to stall the guard.
Guard: Wait, whats that sound?
Ben: What sound, I don't hear a sound.
Guard: You two, look out back.
Guard2: What are you doing?
Sam: I was walking my badger and he just starting going nuts.
DM: Bluff.
SamPC: crap... 12.
DM: *rolls and looks up evily*
Guard2: Oh alright, put him on a leash, we have to set up for the execution.
DM: Your badger goes poof.
SamPC: did he make it?
Guard: I'm sorry sir but its time. James, come on.
DM: He takes James and starts to lead him down the hall.
BenPC: He's alone?
DM: Yes.
BenPC: With his back to me?
DM: A huh.
BenPC: He's flat footed. Damnit Cross, I don't have sneak attack or a sap.
SamPC: I forgot to buy one anyway.
BenPC: Screw it. I'm gonna hittem with by quarterstaff.
Ben crits again for the win. He and James go through the tunnel and high tail it out of town.
Rewind to right after the badger goes poof
Sam: I need to make a diversion...
SamPC: The town square is right near by right?
DM: Yes, for some odd reason this town has it's jail next to the town square. Theres a fountain and lots of people around the gallows set up.
SamPC: I run onto the fountain and make a untrained perform sing check and start going into the chocobo song, 19! Thats 20 after charisma! *As if planned, the forboding music track switches over to the chocobo guitar theme*
DM&PC's: Holy ****
DM: Ok, you do so well, that you attract some bards newby, and they start wailing away on their lutes and pipes and what have you. The people all turn around and watch you and seem to love it. They throw copper and silver towards you.
SamPC: Rock on!
Sam: Ow, that one got me in the eye.
SamPC: Untrained perform dance check... 4. Yeah, I fall into the fountain.
DM: they don't care, they're all jamming to the tunes. Spot check.
SamPC: 14.
DM: You see James and Ben come out of the tunnel.
James: What about my gear?
Ben: What gear.
James: My wand! We're not going to get far without it.
BenPC: Crap, we can't go back in. I uh. Do I notice Sam seeing me?
DM: Yes.
BenPC: I motion to Sam that we need Jame's gear.
DM: How?
BenPC: I wave my arms and point to James and.
DM: just do it.
BenPC: *Points to James* We need his gear.
DM: NO TALKING
BenPC: *Points to James. Motion towards torso and downwards. Swings imaginary wand in the air*
SamPC: Watches BenPC intently.
DM: Wait a second. Spot roll. 20, fail, suceed, fail fail, suceed. Yeah, they notice you looking at the alley.
Crowdgoer: He's Escaping!
BenPC: Run like hell.
Ben and James make it out of town. Sam goes splinter cell back into the jailhouse while everyone's attention is elsewhere, and procures Jame's gear. Rolling a twenty on bluff check to make it seem like the chain shirt wadded up in the back of his coat is really a large growth, Sam gets out without detection. Ben and James avoid a volley of crossbow bolts and Sam nochalantly walks out the other gate, and is freaked out when bolts start coming at him, but there was a bat creature is the brush and the guards were just getting rid of it. End of adventure.
Wow, typing sucks.
My god, it's a freaking epic.
Aye. That was pretty long, but pretty good too. Definitely worth the time it took to read. For me that time was quite a while, but I'm fairly well into the process of getting drunk, so others may have read it faster...still, great adventure!
That's funny. Your PCs rock.
Just that little gem from my recent session.
DM - You see two humans and 4 kobolts down the small hallway.
PC1 - I step towards one of the humans and hit him *rolls for miss*
PC2 - I walk up behind PC1 and hit the human with my 10-ft pole (we ruled it did 1d6+str dmg and has range. *rolls for hit and does some damage*
DM - the man grabs his head, sees Grimdir (me, Dwarf Fighter) already aiming his sling at him and surrenders. The others folow his example
PC2 - ASSUME THE POSITION!
Perhaps we were tired, but it was really funny at that time.
Druid/Dragon Disciple/Lady of the city -- Bastard.
I claim his property in the name of the city. So, our friendly Dragon Disciple and her Cohort, Kezrey the Pseudodragon Rogue, go to peruse the property... Only to find the first door locked. Kezrey picks the lock with his open lock skill and the Druid throws open the doors and walks in... Only to be hit with a 6d6 fireball. She flubs her save while, of course, the rogue makes it and takes no damage.
Kezrey -- Wow. That looks like it hurt.
Druid --
Ow. They shake it off and debate about opening the next door... The druid is starting to think this is a bad idea...
Kezrey -- C'mon... What else can happen. (picks the lock for the second door) See, easy.
Druid -- (winces and eyes the door) OK... Are there any traps?
Kezrey -- (makes a check) Nope! :D
Druid -- Well, why don't you open the door?
Kezrey -- I'm too small.
Druid -- OK... (opens the door)
DM -- :D Make a fort save
Druid --
So, two fort saves, 8 points of con damage, and 3 lesser restorations later... The Druid goes and gets the rest of the party. After making a stop at one of the local temples to get some healing. Her experiences with the local lawful good priest of a lawful good God are a story for a different time.
Me: DM/Rogue
Mike: Ranger
Phil: Paladin (named Lightbringer)
Cody: Sorceror
Complex NPC: Rogue
In a dungeon with doors spaced evenly apart.
Me:Phil throws open the door after I search it. He is greeted by the upper torso of a man covered in snake-like skin. His lower body is strong and muscular, but shaped like a snakes'. Think Yuan-ti society.
Phil: *Diplomacy*. Natural 1.
Me: You grab your tongue, pull it as far out as possible, and go "HIPTHHHHHHH". It replies by casting "Cause Fear".
Phil: HAAAAH! Aura of Courage!
Me: ****. Alright, roll initiative.
Everyone rolls, phil rolls right below the snake, We get low.
Me: The snake casts charm person, than invites you in. Will save?
Phil *roll* 3.
Me: You enter without a problem, closing and locking the door in the process. The first thing you notice about the room is that there are 4 snake babies in the corner looking hungry. *Rolls initiative, they go last*
Me: I run up and do an open lock check. Succeed.
Everyone else goes to the door. (It's not open till next combat)
Snake hisses.
Phil: Will save. Pass. Intelligence check to realize whats going on. Pass. I attak! *rolls* miss. The snake turns to her babies.
Me: Roll to attack snake. Kills her.
Cody: I roll to hit babies with acid splash. 1 damage.
Rogue NPC: Runs up, smacks baby with sap. Non lethal damage, baby rendered unconcious.
Babies move to mother, crowding around. Cast Cause fear.
Phil: I roll to hit baby.
Me: Baby dies, cleaved in half. The baby...
blah blah, rogue npc knocks baby3 unconcious. Paladin kills final baby.
Me: (Post combat). Phil, you lose your paladin powers.
Phil: WHHAAA?
Me: You killed defenseless babies.
Phil: What? They were casting cause fear!
Me: To get us away from the mother.
Phil: But, but...
Me: Dude, you killed sentient babies.
Cody: Yeah dude, they were babies.
Phil: $@$%
Me: Sorry.
Phil: Well, that's that. All I have left is to change my name from Lightbringer to babyslayer.
We lost it XD
Fighter: "What do I do, this thing is going to kill me!?!?"
Me: "Pull it out, perhaps?"
Other party emmbers: "NO! It could cause major bleeding and you could die anyway! Leave it in and the cleric can heal you."
Several rounds later see me in combat and unable to get to our fighter to heal him. He is nearly in two pieces and the Deamon posessed BBEG is tearing him apart.
Fighter: "Crap, this isn't good, I could use some help here!"
Rest of the party chanting in unison: "WE WANT PLAYER DEATH! WE WANT PLAYER DEATH!!...."
After the laughing subsided and the deamons went down, I proceded to stitch together the upper and lower parts of my fallen companion with a True Resurection spell as the main deamon flew away and taunted us. All in all a funny event. We eventually defeated her by freezing her body, then shattering her into a million pieces. Then my cleric did as I origionally planned and resurected her, deamon free.
Aldarionn
DM(Me) You come to a wooden door.
Tordek(Fighter and unorigional name) I try to kick in the door *rolls 2*
DM: Okay, you bounce harmlessly off the door and fall prone to its left.
Barridon(Paladin, rival of Tordek) I'll show him. I charge the door. *rolls 4*
DM(after a bit of laughing by all players) you land beside Tordy.
Garret(Rogue) Is the door unlocked?
DM: yes.
Scene- The heros are trying to rescue the Princess of Deeandee, who was kidnapped by the Evil Dark Lord Teddy.
Cast: Keiko, a cleric
Frank, a paladin
Seline, a bard
Bubba Fatt, a Mail Order Minion (sort of a PrC if you will)
Keiko: Hello? Evil Dark Lord Teddy residence? Elder John's Pizza here for delivery
Bubba: Pizza? I didn't order any pizza. What's on it?
Keiko: Uh...Tonberry and extra Chocobo!
Bubba: Ooh! Chocobo! Let me get my wallet!
Keiko: I don't know what's more pathetic...that he fell for that, or that Frank came up with it.
-the party gets into EDL Teddy's lair-
Bubba: Hey! You're not pizza delivery men! In fact, you're the weirdest group of people I've seen since I went to see Star Wars. What are you doing here?
Keiko: We're heroes. Holy ones. Well, Frank fights like a kobold and Seline's a total ****, but we're still heroes on a holy quest...I guess...
Bubba: Well it's about time someone showed up. I can't believe I'm only being paid 600 gp for this job. What a cheapskate! And what's with this Mystic Item crap anyways?
Seline: Well you see, the Mystic Item...
Voice in distance: (Moaning)
Frank: Oh my gods! Did you hear that? That must be the Princess being tortured! You sick...foul...evil...person, what are you doing to that innocent and possibly hot woman?
Bubba: Oh, I just fixed her Battery Operated Boyfriend. Now let's fight already, I'm missing Family Guy
--fast forward during the battle---
Frank: Hey Keiko, I've been thinking...
Keiko: That's your problem
Frank: Will you let me finish? Anyways, he's a boss, so he's either got a glaring weakness or a super sneaky power.
Keiko: Whoa...Frank actually said something intelligent. Seline, got anything that can help?
(Seline pulls out the RPG the RPG Players Guide. Keiko looks at it)
Keiko: Seline, you know Fireball?
Seline: Nope.
Keiko: Reflect?
Seline: Nope.
Keiko: Silence?
Seline: Nope.
Keiko: Mordekainen's Gatling Gun?
Seline: Mordewho?
Keiko: Do you know anything that doesn't involve playing your guitar?
Seline: Well, I have "Hendrix' Head Pounder"
Keiko: Okay, use that. Whatever it is.
Seline: *Whacks Bubba over the head with her guitar*
Frank: She also calls it Foreplay.
Keiko: I hate being celibate.
Phil: *Diplomacy*. Natural 1.
Me: You grab your tongue, pull it as far out as possible, and go "HIPTHHHHHHH". It replies by casting "Cause Fear".
Natural 1 on skill checks is not an automatic failure, or (as shown here) a fumble.
Me: The snake casts charm person, than invites you in. Will save?
Phil *roll* 3.
Me: You enter without a problem, closing and locking the door in the process.
Charm person does not allow control of the target - it grants the same result as a high Diplomacy check.
Me: (Post combat). Phil, you lose your paladin powers.
Phil: WHHAAA?
Me: You killed defenseless babies.
Hmmm... DM's call, obviously - but if they were evil, sentient babies this was a reasonable act for a Paladin. Unless you highlighted to the player that his order's code requires the delivery of all sentient babies, evil or otherwise, to the nearest temple for fostering?
If you're looking for somewhere to complain about DM abuse and house rules, look:
here,
here,
and especially here.
This thread is for humor. Serious discussion belongs elsewhere!
The Party was exploring a crashed ship on a cold tundra world. No signs of survivors, but the ship is still running an encrypted SOS beacon. It appears there was an internal struggle on the ship.
Vanessa (Human engineer): "Hey, the master computer! It looks intact, lets try to hack into it."
Xaun (Grey scientist): "I can read the language, it appears this computer is running into a loop with a calculation program."
Xanadu (Dragon engineer): "I'll open a panel behind the computer and try to fix it. What's the problem?"
DM: "Well the bad news is that someone hard wired the computer into the engines and mucked it up with some calculation program loop. The good news is that in 6 minutes you won't have to worry about fixing it."
Xanadu: "Uh.. RUN!"
After the ship self destructs the party is picked up by their mothership, the UAD Tiamat. The PCs explain what they saw to the commander and then hang out in the ship's recreation bar. There's officers drinking and playing a game of "Laser Tag" where you shoot moving targets with light guns. It scores like darts.
Drak'in (Dragon security officer): "I want in on the game."
Xanadu: "I just want in on the beer."
DM: "Okay, you get a drink. Drak'in, you see the Chief Engineer trying to play (female Arkasti, a cat-like humanoid) against some marines and doing badly."
Vanessa: "Drak'in, mop the floor with them!"
Drak'in: "I grab a light gun and start shooting."
Drak'in: *Crit fails his attack roll, blinds himself*
Marine1: *Crit fails his attack roll, hits Marine2*
Marine2: *Fails a dodge roll and gets blinded by Marine1's light gun*
Xanadu: "Fails a save to not choke on his beer in laughter. He's taking fatigue damage*
Chief Engineer: *Tries to sneak away from the disaster, crit failing her move silently check, falls over*
Xaun: *Enters the room and sees the disaster* "Good, our first casualties of the game by a leathal game of laser tag."
A few funny lines from a sci-fi space game I'm temporarily running until the next DM gets his campaign notes completed (Using a 3d6 system):
The Party was exploring a crashed ship on a cold tundra world. No signs of survivors, but the ship is still running an encrypted SOS beacon. It appears there was an internal struggle on the ship.
Vanessa (Human engineer): "Hey, the master computer! It looks intact, lets try to hack into it."
Xaun (Grey scientist): "I can read the language, it appears this computer is running into a loop with a calculation program."
Xanadu (Dragon engineer): "I'll open a panel behind the computer and try to fix it. What's the problem?"
DM: "Well the bad news is that someone hard wired the computer into the engines and mucked it up with some calculation program loop. The good news is that in 6 minutes you won't have to worry about fixing it."
Xanadu: "Uh.. RUN!"
After the ship self destructs the party is picked up by their mothership, the UAD Tiamat. The PCs explain what they saw to the commander and then hang out in the ship's recreation bar. There's officers drinking and playing a game of "Laser Tag" where you shoot moving targets with light guns. It scores like darts.
Drak'in (Dragon security officer): "I want in on the game."
Xanadu: "I just want in on the beer."
DM: "Okay, you get a drink. Drak'in, you see the Chief Engineer trying to play (female Arkasti, a cat-like humanoid) against some marines and doing badly."
Vanessa: "Drak'in, mop the floor with them!"
Drak'in: "I grab a light gun and start shooting."
Drak'in: *Crit fails his attack roll, blinds himself*
Marine1: *Crit fails his attack roll, hits Marine2*
Marine2: *Fails a dodge roll and gets blinded by Marine1's light gun*
Xanadu: "Fails a save to not choke on his beer in laughter. He's taking fatigue damage*
Chief Engineer: *Tries to sneak away from the disaster, crit failing her move silently check, falls over*
Xaun: *Enters the room and sees the disaster* "Good, our first casualties of the game by a leathal game of laser tag."
:heehee
How do I get in on that zaniness?
Show
Quintari: Those itches! :P
Maya: What's "itches", precious? *gollum*
Me: Pros-ti-tutes?
DM: Lay 'em, pay 'em, kick 'em out of bed?
Quintari: Those itches! :P
Maya: What's "itches", precious? *gollum*
Me: Pros-ti-tutes?
DM: Lay 'em, pay 'em, kick 'em out of bed?
"I'm just not sure what to do with a two-foot-long charbroiled ant."
Now, a bit more based on my own webcomic...
Frank (the Paladin)- So where are we going?
Princess Anne (the Monk)- To see the sage of Deeandee. See even though thanks to Seline's bardic knowledge we only know so much about the Mystic Items. If anyone knows more, it's the Sage.
Frank- Wait a second! Me and Keiko (the cleirc) are the holy warrior persons! Why are we the last to know this!
Keiko- I don't care! Less work for us, let's go!
Frank- (to the tune of "We're off to see the Wizard...") We're off to see the saaaaaaage, the wonderful sage of...
Keiko- Sing that again and I will impale you with your own sword.
first.Frank- Iiiiit's a smaaall overwooorld aafter all...AAAAAARGH
Player 1- "Ok, they're kobolds, do we really have to use weapons to kill them?"
Player 2- "We could just punch them and take them out."
Player 3- "Naw, you could hock a loogie and kill one."
Player 2- "Not even that. Just spit."
Player 3- "No...I think you would actually have to forcefully expactorate to kill a kobold."
:D I love it.
--out--
anyway here we go. The party had just finished killing some animated potted plants and my older bro decided to ask "can I get high off these things?"
The DM said yes and for the next like 20 rounds he was high off his ***
YAY! This thread is the best thing to ever happen to the D&D boards :D
Wow... :D That makes me happy to have started it... A YEAR AGO! ;)
Elf Rogue: Well, my advice from one trickster to another, just out cheat them!
Loki: Compare me to yourself again and I'll turn you into a woman.
My friend was playing a game with another group at a local game store when they took a sabbatical to learn about each players character. As they went on and on with each character, a specific player announced his character name as Ugh. Confused, he was immediately told to explain his history...
His character rolls had been good except for his last, intelligence. His character was a full orc. >.<
You see, he knew no languages. He couldn't speak common at all, (DM allowed) but at some point he found a small girl who spoke common, and she decided to teach him how. They didn't get very far, but the conversation went something like this;
PC "Well, the first thing she taught him was 'pretty', and she pointed to herself. Than she pointed to him and said 'Ugly'. That's why his name is ug. Than she picked a flower and said 'flower'. Now Ug can say his name and flower."
:D
The party leaves town...
DM: After much travelling without much of anything happening...
Druid OOC: With our group? No way.
DM OOC: If I went square by square we'd never get there. IC: So you are travelling, , a butterfly flutters past...
Gnome Cleric (I think): Can I attack the butterfly?
DM: Yes, you may attack the butterfly.
The gnome proceeds to attack the butterfly with his whip, but misses. (only a 20 would hit) He continously flails his whip around attempting to hit the butterfly before giving up.
DM: You enter a clearing and see an animal that looks like a cross between a dog and a hedgehog (Howler).
Ranger: (Rolls a nature check to ID it) [OOC] ****, nat 1. [IC] Dude, that has got to be the biggest hedgehog I have ever seen.
Rogue: (Rolls an untrained nature check)(rolls a 19) G, that is a howler.
Ranger: No way, man! Are you tring to pull a fast one on me?
Idea for reply stolen from someones sig. Maybe you had to be there ot truely appriate(sp?).
Fighter: I open the door.
DM: *puts nine or so dice in the room we see* You see a lot of rats in a passage blocked by fallen rock.
Druid: *draws dagger and moves up beside him*
My Bard: *casts Light on a piece of chalk*
Fighter: *steps inside and stomps on a rat*
Rat: *falls unconscious*
Other Rats: *swarm onto fighter who misses the Attack of Opportunity*
Fighter: *gets out with rats clinging to him*
My Bard: I get out my five square yards of canvas and put them on like a cape, charge forward holding my chalk yelling in Draconic and Bluff as a dragon to the rats. ((a really small dragon)) *rolls high on bluff roll*
DM: *laughing* I have never seen anything like that before. Fig-hitter ((nickname for fighters)), you see that the rats in front of you are staring behind you (with whatever expression they had that indicated I was really strange).
-I was looking over another players PC, so I could fix any mistakes he made. (I'm mentoring a 1st-time DnD group with 14/15 yr olds, and the DM is highly incompetent)-
Me: You have ranks in Ride.
Dane: So?
Me: YOUR CHARACTER'S A CENTAUR!!!!!
*Names have not been changed to protect the 'innocent'. Only the text has, to make it more funny.*
-I was looking over another players PC, so I could fix any mistakes he made. (I'm mentoring a 1st-time DnD group with 14/15 yr olds, and the DM is highly incompetent)-
Me: You have ranks in Ride.
Dane: So?
Me: YOUR CHARACTER'S A CENTAUR!!!!!
I don't think that was a mistake... And I think the ranks pertained to lady centaurs. :inlove:
How do I get in on that zaniness?
Uh, I think living near Orlando to attend the games would help? You just have to get used to their short life expectancy. :D Here's another fine example of it:
Continuing the space adventure, the PC's land on a mysterious black planet and underground the party finds a working alien factory that stores resources like water, oxygen, and steel. The PCs are trying to figure out how to get at these resources to repair their ship, but they can't translate the alien language on the factory's computer.
Xaun: "Okay, I'm good with alien tech, what do we have?"
DM: "Basically you're looking at a computer consol with a long message and two buttons, a blue button and a green button."
Vanessa: "What, no pretty red button to start the self destruct sequence?"
Xanadu: "Shush! Don't encourage the DM. Xaun, push the blue one."
Xaun: "I do so."
DM: "The computer shows what might be a catalog of everything stored here. The touch screen allows you to highlight a specific storage container and examine it's contents. The contents are displayed as a molecular structure, so you can make out some containers such as "Oxygen" and "Hydrogen".
Drak'in: "Lieutenant, this could be a 'Rosetta Stone' we're looking for."
Xanadu: "Agreed, we might be able to start translating the language from this information."
Vanessa: "Bah, we can do this faster. Tool Droid come here and plug yourself into the computer. I want you to download this catalog and translate."
DM: "The tool droid plugs into the alien computer. Seconds later the droid is unresponsive as the computer is attempting to download the droid's info."
Vanessa: "****, not what I intended!"
Xanadu: "Not what you intended!? What did you expect to happen? The computer is 1000 times more powerful then the tool droid!"
Xaun: "I unplug the droid! Poor thing must be half mind wiped."
DM: "You unplug the connector, and the alien computer now displays a big yellow screen with some big font writing and a single green button."
Xanadu: "Yellow Screen of Death? Congratulations Vanessa, you crashed it. Advanced technology thousands of years ahead of us and it still can't do 'Plug-n-play."
Vanessa: "Can we get some tech support here?"
Drak'in: "Sure, go call in Darth Gates and have him send in the Imperial Geek Squad to our rescue."
Xaun: "None of this would happen if the ancients used a Mac."
Uh, I think living near Orlando to attend the games would help? You just have to get used to their short life expectancy. :D Here's another fine example of it:
Continuing the space adventure, the PC's land on a mysterious black planet and underground the party finds a working alien factory that stores resources like water, oxygen, and steel. The PCs are trying to figure out how to get at these resources to repair their ship, but they can't translate the alien language on the factory's computer.
Xaun: "Okay, I'm good with alien tech, what do we have?"
DM: "Basically you're looking at a computer consol with a long message and two buttons, a blue button and a green button."
Vanessa: "What, no pretty red button to start the self destruct sequence?"
Xanadu: "Shush! Don't encourage the DM. Xaun, push the blue one."
Xaun: "I do so."
DM: "The computer shows what might be a catalog of everything stored here. The touch screen allows you to highlight a specific storage container and examine it's contents. The contents are displayed as a molecular structure, so you can make out some containers such as "Oxygen" and "Hydrogen".
Drak'in: "Lieutenant, this could be a 'Rosetta Stone' we're looking for."
Xanadu: "Agreed, we might be able to start translating the language from this information."
Vanessa: "Bah, we can do this faster. Tool Droid come here and plug yourself into the computer. I want you to download this catalog and translate."
DM: "The tool droid plugs into the alien computer. Seconds later the droid is unresponsive as the computer is attempting to download the droid's info."
Vanessa: "****, not what I intended!"
Xanadu: "Not what you intended!? What did you expect to happen? The computer is 1000 times more powerful then the tool droid!"
Xaun: "I unplug the droid! Poor thing must be half mind wiped."
DM: "You unplug the connector, and the alien computer now displays a big yellow screen with some big font writing and a single green button."
Xanadu: "Yellow Screen of Death? Congratulations Vanessa, you crashed it. Advanced technology thousands of years ahead of us and it still can't do 'Plug-n-play."
Vanessa: "Can we get some tech support here?"
Drak'in: "Sure, go call in Darth Gates and have him send in the Imperial Geek Squad to our rescue."
Xaun: "None of this would happen if the ancients used a Mac."
What part of USB did these ancients not understand? :P
Me and a friend, running a solo game. I'm a student in a mage academy, and this is very obviously inspired. Shades of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets abound. Except mixed in with a bit of The Craft. My character is a wannabe gothling, and bad things have been happening to people who make her angry. One person copped a feel, and wound up impaled on his desk and knocked out with falling bricks. So when a mysterious bracer just thumps next to my character on the library desk, I say "Okay. I ward the area with Alarm and run the find a teacher."
DM: You did the intellegent, sensible thing?
DM: Crap, I didn't see that coming.
Fighter/mage: Stop! You're not going anywhere.
Assassin: My work is done.
Fighter/mage: You still have to fight me.
Assassin: I only kill people I am paid to.
Fighter/mage: Fine, here's 200gp. Now kill me.
Assassin: OK
We had to pay to have him brought back to life.
A few games later we thought our fighter/mage (yes it's the same guy) was possessed by his new intelligent sword. So we were asking him about it when says, I'm telling you guys I'm am not possessed by the sword.
"How do you expect us to believe you?" we ask. "For all we know the sword is making you lie about that."
"I'll prove I'm not lying," he screams "I'll cast detect lie on myself."
After the laughter dies down the thief says, "I'll have to remember that sometime."
Two stories:
Star Wars (Living Force): We were going to rescue a kidnapped child, who'd been kidnapped ten years ago as a baby. Our group included two Jedi, a Clone Trooper and two smuggler types.
We managed to sneak into the enemy army base (yes, she'd been kidnapped by the freakin' army general!) and into his house. We find our way blockedby the 16 yo baby sitter.
The other Jedi tries to talk her out of the way using the infamous Jedi mind tricks, which was our group's preferredapproach to diploamcy. It failed nine times out of ten, but it was fun. It fails this time as well. So the Clone Trooper decides on the direct method and hits her. Ok, not too much of a problem, apart from the minor fact that hewas wearing combat gloves. Result: Dying babysitter with severely broken jaw, nose, etc. And a screaming eleven year old who locks herself behind a three inch thick metal door because we're obviously evil and nasty. It took ageds for the other Jedi's mind tricksto persuade her to open the door, while I burnt throguh Force points trying to heal the babysitter.
The other story occurs during the adventure at the back of the Eberron campaign book.
The party consists of: Slayer (Warfogred Fighter), Merrick d'Jorasco (Halfling Dragonmarked Scout), Dante Swiftblade (Orien Dragonmarked Human Swasbuckler)and James Jesse (Shifter Ranger).
They've managed to get to the ruins without getting too badly mauled. Then they encounter the horrid rats. 2 of the evil little things. By the end of the combat, only Slayer was left conscious. So he picked up each of the others, climbed up to the little tunnel high in the wall they'd come out of and tried to work out what to do.
Slayer: "I'll use my Warforged Repair kit on them!"
Rest: "NOOOO!!!!" (Warforged Repair Kits consist of hammers, pliers, etc.Not good for humans)
Fortunately he decided to go off on his own and found some cure potions which got everyone conscious.
Hope you enjoy.
DM: "So, you're basically worshipping the Grim Reaper."
Me: "Yep."
DM: "Why am I not suprised."
PC1 - *rolls 1 on str check to climb along a rope, falls into the water and manages to stay afloat*
PC4 - *rolls str check* White guys (PC1 is white, PC4 is black) can't jump! *slips of rope for some reason and rolls 1 on Swim check*
PC1 - *to now drowning PC* White guys can't jump, but you can't swim :P
DM - You see some stools shuffling about
PC2 (Me) - *not having heard the DM well, utter surprise* What are they digging for?
DM - They are shuff-ling about, not shoveling
PC1 - Oh, they're playing cards.
PC5 (DMPC/Backup PC, Half-Orc Barb) - I bullrush the stool *rolls natural 20*
DM - You can push the chair wher as far as you want (we were in a small room)
PC1 - (the one with the 10ft. pole, remember)
PC2 - *after a 10 round battle between PC1, PC3 and the stools, finally making a swim check to break the surface* Did I miss anything...?
One of the other PCs: "Aww, the robots are hugging."
"The rest of us have made a very important decision: We hate you. We really, REALLY hate you."
This is from the new group I'm DMing in an Ebberon campeign. Facing a warforged barbarian, our warforged fighter (Who is a spiked bodied grapple monky) does his thing.
One of the other PCs: "Aww, the robots are hugging."
Is it possible for an ebberon session with warforged to go on without the word robot being used?
Cleric: "Well, what should we do?"
Me(Rogue): "I have an idea, let me borrow a zombie."
I proceed to insert 3 bottles of oil into its stomach, make it hold 1 in each hand, then empty a few covering it head to toe.
Me: "Ok, walk up to the guards, tap one of the shoulder, and fight them."
Zombie wanders up and starts fighting the guards.
Cleric: "What do you hope to do with that?"
Me: *stuffing a hankerchief into the top of a bottle of oil* "That, is merely a distraction."
I huck the flaming bottle of oil at the zombie and hit it, instantly inflaming the zombie.
Cleric: "I don't see how that'll help."
Me: "Keep watching."
1 round later, the fire finally reached the bottles in its hands. The resulting explosion killed both guards and covered the hallway in fire.
Me: "And lo', the Zombie Bomb(tm) was born. And the peasents rejoiced."
Cleric: "Guy, you just blew up half a dozen of these rejoicing peasents."
Me: "Ya, well...............Shut up!"
PC: Watch out, I know kung-kick-yo'-
!Is it possible for an ebberon session with warforged to go on without the word robot being used?
Actually yes, though due to a slip of the tongue on my part, we can no longer play Ebberon without someone referencing artificers as orificers... :embarrass
(back in 2e rules)
Player: Stoneskin prevents damage from attacks, right?
DM: Yes.
Player: I jump off the cliff.
DM: You what?!
Player: I jump off the cliff!
(DM was kind enough to let him survive with a broken back from this one...the party just had to drag him out tied to a door till we got a Heal spell.)
Another scenario, we're being interrogated by guards about some 'missing' statuettes.
DM as guard: We need to search your luggage for some missing items.
Player 1: What items?
DM (looking through notes): They were some small statues, just a min...
Player 2: A lion, a horse, and a goat!
DM as guard: You're under arrest!
(We found out how much it hurt when a guard is already holding you at sword point and you attempt to jump away... )
PC: Hell yea, I tell that dragon to "
himself"DM:What? Are you sure you want to do that?
PC:yea
DM:*mumbles* you want to make an intelligence check *a bit sarcastic*
PC: Um...ok, why not? *picks up d20*
DM:I didn't mean your character
In an Eberron campaign setting, in one session, he manadged to destroy 3 one person elemental speeders, a real airship, a building, a boat, and some other collateral damage. I must note that everything belonged to either him, or the Sharn Guard, which he was working for. All of it was by accident. And he was a monk.
Is it possible for an ebberon session with warforged to go on without the word robot being used?
Having played through three Ebberon campeigns now, the answer is "no" ^_^
Actually yes, though due to a slip of the tongue on my part, we can no longer play Ebberon without someone referencing artificers as orificers... :embarrass
:heehee
Early on, mission 1. (first time 3 of us had played, 4 of the other 5 had played ONE mission prior to this one) 2 Dwarves say "Here's a map, don't go in THIS room here." (we're playing on this map, so DM points to the room on the large map, so we know where it is)
Later, our dwarven fighter says "Let's go in there!" (note, we had just had a run-in with 2 ghouls, were low level, and the fighter barely survived. Know why? We left a room and went right to go find it. He left and went left to corner it on the opposite side of the room, as hallways encirlced it. Long story short, the party's weaker sorcerer (ME) saved his butt with a quarterstaff blow to the already oozing brain wound on the ghoul, and thanks to a shortcut to the surface, he survived)
Main characters are "Dwarf (idiot of the group right now), Sorc 1 (me) Sorc 2 (a good friend), and the Human (fighter). Other 3 characters (Rogue, Ranger, and a something.... weren't important right here, we're all level 2, a few with less experience than the others)
Dwarf: Let's go in!
Human: NO, not in there. (knew the DM, knew what was in the room, so we listened to him)
Sorc 2: If he really wants to, he can. I'll back him up.
Sorc 1 (me): He's asking for it, but oh well, let's go.
Dwarf: Alright! I enter first.
DM: Ok... you're shoved into the corner.
(D is Dwarf, 1 and 2 are respective Sorcs, H is human. Room is kinda "9" shaped, only 5 total squares)
_ _ _ _
l l ol 2
lxl ol 1 H
--lDl
the "o's" are a Displacer Beast, who "displaced" the Dwarf into a corner.
Sorc 2: I'm going first (highest initiative after open door) I cast sleep on the Displacer Beast. (area affect)
DM: Okay (rolls) the DB is awake. (rolls) The Dwarf isn't...
Party:
Sorc 2: Okay, I move out of the way (sorry)
Sorc 1: Okay, I'll cast Fireball at the corner (x). That way, the wall protects the Dwarf from the balst!
DM: Ok, that'll work. Roll.
Sorc 1: Okay.
DM: You hit the DB. (only actual hit for about 10 rounds) Fire hurts you, the DB, and the Dwarf.
Human: I'm next, I pick up Sorc 1, and move him, and attack. (most damaging character...)
DM: Roll (waits). You missed.
Party:
(poor Dwarf)We had to quit mid-fight here. (Human figher's parents made us go to bed at 4AM...) I missed the next mission, but it took them 7+ turns EACH (8 PCs and a DB) to finish it. Other mishaps that adventure: Sorc 2 shot the Dwarf in the head with an arrow. (firing through his square) Rogue stabs a Bugbear, killing it, while the fighters COULDN'T kill it. "Evil" shrine makes Dwarves go crazy, so we tied them up so we wouldn't have to leave them in the hall while we explored the room. (kinda funny)
Next mission: (characters are more advanced, first time playing, so we swapped out races of pre-assigned characters for characters we wanted)
I'm a Satyr at this point. (Hound Archon, Centaur, and a something else were our other PCs, only playing with 4 of the 8 right now)
In a mission off this site. (low level mission with Windegos, forget the name) Outside of the Hound Archon going off for food alone (maddening whispers got him) and me getting bit once, we solved ALL problems faster than we should, and we managed to thwart all "tricks" thrown at us. (don't remember it too well, but we did EVERYTHING right, with no prompting from the DM) Later that night, on a quest to get the item needed to cure the Hound Archon (and myself, as the Druid we found stopped it from controlling us, but we were still infected) 3 Orcs, flip over a table, and hid behind it. (we're on the opposite end of the room) Me: "I draw my bow, and fire" DM: "They have cover" Me: "I can hit them, or at LEAST keep them down"
The killer line: DM: "Ok, roll. (waits) Okay, you pierce the table, hitting one of them in the skull. He isn't dead, but he's not doing anything anytime soon."
Next mission. I've upgraded to a Rakshasa Sorcerer (I was the weakest character of the group, and unbalancingly so. Now, I was the ONLY spellcaster) Early on, our weapons are cursed. Switching weapons warps us to some room. (switching back I think saved us, or something. I don't know what it really was) At this point, I'm complaining, because out of 8 PCs, I'm the ONLY one who WANTS to fight who can't. (can't get into melee, we're in a building, with most enemies near a wall/nook) I wanted to switch to my crossbow, but couldn't. Here, we found a way to keep non-combat PCs from being bored. Spontaneous Hide Checks! (I roll a 19, do I hide?) (DM: You're in plain sight, of course he see's you!) (Nu-uh, I'm hiding behind my quarterstaff!) Later checks involved listen checks to see how bad another character snored, will saves vs. mental pictures of bad jokes by other PCs, etc.
End of the mission, during the boss fight. "I wish I could use my crossbow..." DM: "Stop complaining already!" Me: "Wait, I forget to buy bolts in town...." Party:
The earlier Dwarf (then Hound Archon) character was dropped to "0". I polymorphed him into a Green Dragon. (now has HP!) (Enemy hits him, now he doesn't) I used teleport and took him to town. He got healed, and I bought crossbow bolts!
Note: After the next mission (arena fights) and a handful of Major Wonderous items from the temporary DM, we started over... (I'm the new DM)
The PCs break into the starship's mainframe room to access the captain's logs when they encounter an alien jellyfish floating in the room above a dead body. The creature is feeding off the body's fluids.
Before GM could ask what the party wants to do:
Drak'in: "I open fire with my shotgun!" BLAM! *misses*
Xanadu: "I pull out both laser pistols and open up on it." Bzzzt! *misses*
Vanessa: "Kill it! I fire my autopistol!" Brraaaap! *misses*
Drak'in: "Fire in the hole! I throw a grenade at it!" BOOM! *misses*
Alien Jellyfish: *Hasn't moved from it's spot*
Xaun: "Uh... as the humans would say, Yippie-kiyay?" *hits it with a stun gun*
Alien Jellyfish: *Squirts a black cloud and escapes into an airduct*
Xanadu: "Ok, the science officer with an effective skill of mud drives away the brain sucking parasite and saves the party of sharpshooting marines..."
Vanessa: "Can we just access the mainframe and get out of here?"
DM: "You mean the charred mass of melted steel that all your stray shots connected with?"
Party:
Uh Oh.A human wizard and a halfing sized half-dragon wizard are resting durring their quest. There is this picnic basket that has alot of food in it. Its magical.
DM: You feel an object hit your head.
Human Mage: Ow. I am going to look for where it came from. Can I roll spot?
DM: Sure
HM: I rolled 10.
DM: You dont know where it came from. Roll reflex.
HM: 7 with bonuses.
DM: You are hit again with an onion.
HM: Stomps mad, yelling at the half-dragon, get your butt over here and help me find this thing throwing food at me!
Half Dragon: (Keeps eating and starts laughing)
DM: Roll spot again
HM: 17
DM: You see green goggled gnome throwing onions at you.
HM: I am going to kill this thing! *gets mad* Stop eating dragon and help me get this thing!
HD: Laughs more rolling around.
Before GM could ask what the party wants to do:
Drak'in: "I open fire with my shotgun!" BLAM! *misses*
Xanadu: "I pull out both laser pistols and open up on it." Bzzzt! *misses*
Vanessa: "Kill it! I fire my autopistol!" Brraaaap! *misses*
Drak'in: "Fire in the hole! I throw a grenade at it!" BOOM! *misses*
Alien Jellyfish: *Hasn't moved from it's spot*
Xaun: "Uh... as the humans would say, Yippie-kiyay?" *hits it with a stun gun*
Why can I just imagine this scene, while giggling?
Alien Jellyfish: *Squirts a black cloud and escapes into an airduct*
Xanadu: "Ok, the science officer with an effective skill of mud drives away the brain sucking parasite and saves the party of sharpshooting marines..."
:heehee
Vanessa: "Can we just access the mainframe and get out of here?"
DM: "You mean the charred mass of melted steel that all your stray shots connected with?"
Party:
Those poor, stupid fools, hehehe.
DM: Ok, in back of this small room is another room with a small chest and this big black metal looking chest you've never seen before. Out of character it looks like a sarcophigus.
Indesicive: Oh hey man a vampire.
Dragon Ditz: I go up and look at it.
Froggy Voice: Yeah I'll bite. I go look at it too.
DM: Its about 12 feet long and 5 feet deep. It comes up to about your chest.
Dragon Ditz: Is it locked?
DM: Not that you know what a lock is but no, you see no lock.
DD: I try and open it.
DM: You touch it?
DD: No no I
DM: Reflex saves.
After the dragon ditz setting off 5 electrical traps and 1 sonic trap, the whole time the DM not letting anyone say they leave the room, and 60+ points of damage later those who wanted to finally get into the other room. The dragon ditz casted protection from electricity on himself after the first time so he only took damage from the sonic trap. He also fails to identify or open the thing.
DM: You notice Moon on the floor convulsing, one minute his ear grows long, the next it goes back, hair is growing and going back in.
DD: And suddenly he had hair where there was no hair before.
Froggy: *looking at druid type with healing staff* Heal him damnit what are you doing sitting there?
Indesicive: Dude this thing has charges.
DM: You don't know that
Froggy: Heal him anyway. Then heal me! You, stop messing with that thing *electric bolt goes off * Thunder, get back up against the door we need you to baracade the thing *He's 15 foot tall and lord knows how much he weighs*
Thunder: I'm not getting any closer to him, I don't wanna catch what he's got.
Froggy: Well you won't if Mr. Indesicive heals him! Chopper Face (dragon nickname) Stop Messing with that! You heal him since Mr. Indesicive won't. Then heal me!
DD: I'm busy.
Froggy: *Bursting into tears* Why won't anybody listen to me?
DM: You hear a knock on the door
Froggy: *On cue and in character* Who is it?
Monster: Rawr rawr, open dis, rawr.
Froggy: There's nobody in here. Stop messing with that thing. Heal him. What about you four? Why aren't you doing anything? Screw it. You want chaos? I'll give you ****ing chaos. I open the door.
DM: Before you open the door an axe comes through it into your chest. *Froggy failed in both getting someone to try and heal our lycanthrope friend and in getting someone to heal himself. He is now dangerously low on health.
DM:*Places down a huge minotaur figurine on map* Hey guys I'm back!
Froggy: I stab that %*&%)ing son of a *@^( in the $#%^s with my spear through the hole he made.
Epic battle ensues. Earlier our lycanthrope infected friend gave up a good deal of his possessions because he wouldn't be able to use them once he gained control. The DM strongly suggests that Froggy get his +5 silver holy sword. During the epic battle froggy forgets that his other sword, an inteligent one handed great sword, is chaotic evil. It gets mad and hurts Froggy for TWFing with it and the holy sword. Froggy instinctually drops the evil sword and during the battle leaves it behind. Thunder, the 15 foot DMNPC/ Player when the guy actually shows up picks up the sword and with his will save of negative 1 million is possessed by the evil spirit.
During the battle there was a rules quarell between the dragon ditz, the DM, and Mr. Ass hat rules lawyer who doesn't know the rules.
DM: You only get 4 attacks. Your base attack bonus allows 2 and your improved two weapon fighting allow two more. You do not get your bite.
DD: Yes I do.
Ass: No you don't. You can't do that. Its in the book. You can't use manufactured weapons and natural weapons at the same time.
Froggy: What about a monk with claws?
Ass: That's a special case and he's not a monk now is he?
After the Dragon Ditz totally owns them all by showing a dozen monsters who can use natural and manufactured weapons, they are still not shaken from their stance.
Ass: Yeah but he's using two weapons.
Froggy: I guess I could see that. Main hand is main, the other is secondary, there are no tertiary attacks.
Ass: Well technically all attacks that are not main are secondary like the
Froggy: It was a joke...
Dragon Ditz then owns them again by showing the half fiend who is wielding a double sword and biting at the same time. He then reads alloud the multi attack rules and the DM finally gives.
DM:OK, you bite. Now may we continue?
DD: Yeah. I swing at the thing with my swords. *hits and misses*
DM: Ok now what are
DD: Don't forget my bite! 19 on the di. 13 points of damage.
Froggy: You... bite the werebear?
DD: NO! No I mean.
DM: Too lay-ate. You wanted to be able to bite, and now you did. You get some good ol' tasty blood in your mouth from the big ol' bear. You're not feelin' too good.
The Dragon Ditz had already been hit with lycanthropy from another werebeast and had been taking saving throws since, this just put the final nail in the coffin.
So at the end of the adventure, we've gained a weretiger, a weredragon, and a demon possesed half giant with a Str score of like 40 while raging over a bazillion hit points. Did I mention we're all half orcs and the evil sword Froggy had been carrying up to that point and was able to resist... was and Orc Bane weapon? The only saving grace is that this campaign only has two more sessions. I smell TPK.
Me: A large canine stands in the cave, its grey black fur mottled and tufted. You notice the gleam of a wicked intelligence in its eyes.
Mialee: I'm going to take a picture! Click!
True story. From that game on the traditional response to a particularly stupid action has become "I'm going to take a picture! Click!"
The scene is a cave populated with orcs and kobolds. The party is in there to rescue the local mayor's daughter. The current BBEG who acts as leader of the orcs and kobolds, called Asrahaan, used to be a PC, and managed to do some stuff including forcefully taking over the local thieves guild and declaring allegiance to Orcus.
---
While receiving a crucial plot hook in the thieves guild... (now controlled by another PC gone NPC, the former owner barely escaped with his life and a demotion)
Aarven: "Okay, so we know for sure what Asrahaan wants, to gain demonic power."
Ghazkull: "Yes. Where we go now?"
Aarven: "We pay a little visit to the former leader of this guild. What I want you to do is to say 'Asrahaan' really loud in front of the former leader when I tell you to."
Ghazkull: "Yes."
*Aarven & Ghazkull walk to Harold's (former leader) room.*
NPC Harold: "Urm, can I help you?"
Aarven: "My accomplice has something to say to you."
Ghazkull: "ASRAHAAN!"
NPC Harold: "AIEE!" *Harold leaps out window and runs for his life.*
Me OOC: Wow. So much for the halflings' saves versus fear.
---
Next bit is in the cave itself. Note that Ghazkull has two gallons of ale tied to his back in two barrels.
Me: "This room has a weapon rack with 7 odd small shortspears and 3 medium-sized greataxes. A shelf has a heavy crossbow, and two small light crossbows.
Thoamros OOC: "I take every single weapon."
Me: "You WHAT?!?"
Thoamros OOC: "I take all the weapons."
Me: What for?"
Thoamros OOC: "Dunno." *Shrugs*
Ghazkull OOC: "I get one of my barrels of ale and drink it."
Me: "What, drink it all?"
Ghazkull OOC: "Yep! The whole lot. Do I get drunk?"
Me: "Well, I suppose you would need to make... how many pints in a gallon?"
Aarven OOC: "I think 9."
Me: "9 fort saves, then." *Using the rules for getting drunk in Arms & Equipment*
Ghazkull IC: *Fails save 3 times* "Hay, whadooyawant.... Aaar, youur ma besstesst budddy eva..."
So his drunkenness continued for about an hour game time before he dived into an underground pool to wash it off. Or fell into it, depending on your point of view.
---
The room after the one with the aforementioned pool was a mess hall of sorts. Had a few tables in it. Few funnies happened here.
Me: "The room has 4 kobolds in it, and 2 orcs. There is also a female orc behind the counter, with no armor or weapons."
Ghazkull IC: "Leave the woman alone!"
Ter-Sra OoC: "I walk up to the orc commoner and attempt to use prestidigitation to make my robes fly about while speaking morbidly in sylvan." *passes intimidate check*
Me: "Okay, the orc is frightened enough to set up a defense. She takes out a rolling pin and whacks you with it."
Thoamros OoC: "I jump on top of the table for a height advantage to the orcs!" *Fails jump check*
Me: "You trip over the table edge."
Ghazkull OoC: "I jump on top of the table! I'll show you how it's done!" *Fails jump check*
Me: "You trip on top of Thoamros."
Thoamros OoC: "At least I'm on the table. I get up and jump over to the table next to me!" *Fails jump check*
Me: "You misjudge your jump and fall on the other side of the table. An adjacent kobold makes an attack of opportunity on you. Oh yes, and the orc woman is beating Ghazkull to death with her rolling pin."
Pity nobody died. Ter-Sra, Thoamros and Ghazkull all got knocked into negatives, but nobody died.
---
After Aarven locking up a room in the dungeon to sleep and recover completely in for two days (opening it for air, of course), the party comes back to the mess hall.
Me: "You notice the bench on the far side has a pot of gruel on it."
Ter-Sra OoC: "I cast prestidigitation to make the gruel chicken-flavored!"
Me: "Hey, it beats dried fruit and stuff you get in trail rations!"
---
Skipping a few scenes to after Asrahaan had been slain. Thoamros needed proof of his death to pass his quest.
Thoamros: "Hey, I don't need his body. I got his weapon, that should be enough proof." *Tosses Asrahaan's body into chasm*
Aarven: "Um, first thing, we got that scythe yesterday. Secondly, it could be anybody's scythe. Thus, that scythe is not proof that we killed Asrahaan.
Thoamros: "Uh-Oh. I need his body!" *leaps into chasm. Takes 4d6 falling damage. "Ow... I got it! Dya think his unholy symbol might also prove his death?"
Aarven: "Yeah. Now we need to get you out..."
Thoamros: *After a rope's worth of climbing* "Whew! Thanks. Hey, I can wear his unholy symbol as well as my own one!"
Me: "Sure, if you want to lose divine favor."
Thoamros OoC: "Sure, why not. C'mon, it'll be cool. My old PC's symbol and my new PC's symbol, how cool is that?"
---
Yeah, that's about all my laughs for these last few sessions. If they're not funny, either you need a sense of humor or you just had to be there.
We informed our DM of this and the next time he picked up a woman, they went off and did their thing, he was awoken by clawed fingers riping in to his chest. He managed to escape the situation alive, but was alwasy just a bit more cauties with the ladies.
Who else wants to point out that Paladins are usually considered fallen when they sleep around?
Not me, since I have never implemented that "rule" in any game I DM'd. Now, if they have an in-game WIFE, on the other hand...
Player 1 has just gotten a psionic crystal embedded in his chest
Player 2: Can it shoot laser beams?
DM: Well, if it could it would burn his clothes.
Player 3(likes to be the party perv): (to Player 1) Quick! Take off all your clothes!
------------------------------
Player 1 is examining said crystal
DM: The gem has an inner radiance.
Player 1: So it shines through my clothes?
DM: No, it just sortof dimly glows.
Player 1: Yay! Like a nightlight!
-------------------------------
the party is investigating a dungeon when they find a secret door
DM: Inside the room are many implements of torture, as well as the sign of the adventuring guild on the wall!!!
Player 1: Wait why is the symbol of the adventuring guild on the wall?
DM: Don't you understand? (He was trying to show that the Adventuring Guild was actually evil)
Player 1: AHA!!! This room must be a torture chamber!
PC: Okay, I look at the clothes.
DM: Ripped up, worthless clothes.
PC: I pick up the bag.
DM: It's also been ripped apart, you can't even keep a kobold in it.
PC: Scroll?
DM: *rolls some checks* "You hear something from above"
PC: I look around.
DM: *spot check* You only see darkness.
PC: Okay, back to the scroll.
DM: The scroll reads: "There's a Choker in this room." *roll* "You feel arms trying to grapple you, roll init."
PC: You watch way too many horror flicks.
Great Wyrm dragon to Elf:"Aren't you a little small to be lecturing a dragon?"
Party consists of:
1 Female Human Rogue (N)
1 Female Elf Druid (T)
1 Male Druid (V)
1 Male Dwarf Fighter (O)
DM: You see a woman on a balcony at the bottom of the street. She is screaming and pointing down the street to your left.
N: I run in that direction *moves figurine on board*
DM: Make Spot Check. *N succeeds* You think yousee a small shape around a little corner.
O: I follow *fails Spot check*
DM: The shape hurls itself at O. Make a AoO. Ahd you hit it very hard. Unfortunately, it is still moving. It runs underfoot and jumps up to bite you (Dwarf is 6ft tall.... don't ask) and crits??
Players:
DM: Make a Fort save.
O: *rolls* Nah. No way. Flub.
DM: You are paralysed.
Players:
T spends the next 2 rounds debating whether to shoot the tiny undead off his nuts or not before remembering the Wand of MM she picked up in a previous adventure.
=========================================
While discussing whether to use Reduce Person to crawl through a 9-inch pipe.
N: I can memorise 2 Reduce Persons. That will get me through.
O: Then do it!
N: Look! You and you *points at V* are male. You don't know the problems with that. And you *points at T* are an elf. You don't have boobs.
T: Hey!
O (OOC): What is your Cha?
T (OOC): 15
O: *in a mesmerised tone* She's got boobs...!
==========================================
Fighting a Vampire Spawn.
DM: The creature stands up in his sarcophagus and says in an intimidating manner, "You should not have done that." (after O smashed one of 4 skulls on pedestals in the room)
O: I charge him.... WHOMP!
DM: Your maul smashes his shoulder hard and you can see that it is dislocated and lots of bones are poking out. He gives you a look. Roll a Will save.
O: Nat 20.
DM: He just glares at you. (Other players do their stuff and fight continues on) The creature points at O and says, "Flee!" Make a Will save.
O: Pass DC 11.
DM: Okay. It's a pass.
Players:
O: I swing and... hits! *looks at DM* Flee!
Players:
T: I throw my Shillaleigh at that skull *points on map*
V: Hey! I'm on the other side of it!
T: I'll try not to hit him.... Hit AC 13.
DM: The skull shatters and your club falls here. Half the room is now shadowy as the light from that skull was extinguished when it shattered.
T: I take a 5 ft and pick up my club.
N: Hold on a tick! We are fighting a vampire and you are putting out the lights??
T: The skulls might be making it more powerful.
N: How cheesy is that? I mean... wait. This is DnD. Crush the skulls.
=========================================
Later, discussing places to look for the cult we are hunting.
DM: Just so you know, there are caravans going from A to B. You have been told you can hitch a ride with them.
T: What are the chances that that caravan is gonna get attacked?
N: Ya think? What gave that away?
T: The DM laughing in the corner?
N: More like him coming up with the whole caravan thing!
There weren't any attacks and we got there safely :D
---One party member to another---
Don't ask the circumstances. Lets just say I have a very bloodthirsty party.
ClericP: I look around to see who needs healing. How's everyone look?
DruidP (in wildshape): The polar bear looks very sad.
RogueP: I give him a Coke.
The real kicker here is that the player is usually quiet, and rather self-conscious, but that line was sooo offhandedly delivered... priceless.
As mentioned, the dwarf never drank alcohol... he had a backstory about how his dad was dishonored and his family cast out of the clan due to the father being drunk on a crucial watch shift.
DwarfP: Ok, I climb down the hole :rolls ungodly high:
DM: You know you're taking penalties for full plate, right?
DwarfP: Yeah, I know. I have Climb maxed. Jump too.
SorcP: So, what you're saying is that when dwarves are sober they have amazing athletic abilities?
DwarfP: Yeah, you can just call me SpiderDwarf.
Elf: Paladin, get your stupid a-- over here. Now!
DM: I love how you address each other by class...
SorcP: Not true, sometimes we address each other racially too.
Sorc: Elf, stop ordering Paladin around. We all like him more, anyway.
I usually made a point of calling the Paladin by his name, Lux, and he did the same. In character, we got along really well.
RangerP: Ok, I dive through the door and whip out my swords, posing heroically just inside the hut.
DM: Ok, the only person who could possibly be there is the dead groundskeeper's wife... but if you say so.
Sorc (stepping in after him, to the cowering commoner): Ignore him. We're here to help.
Here, we're meeting a powerful bard NPC, having been informed by our leige lord she'll be waiting for us in a tavern nearby.
DM: As you enter, you see a beautiful elf sitting at the bar, strumming on her lute. She's got gear better than anything you've seen before, and the room is obviously eating out of her hand. She finishes, and returns to her ale.
SorcP: Ok, as the party face I go over and talk to her. I'll sit at the bar next to her.
Sorc: Greetings, I'm Raef. I believe we were supposed to meet here... That's a nice lute you have there, by the way.
DM& Party: ...
DM: So you walk up to the gorgeous elven minstrel, and hit on her?
SorcP. What? All I did was complement her instrum... Oh. Heh. Well, I play the flute... I thought it would be a connection...
Everyone else in unison: Riiiight.
ElfP: I’m sure you were all about connecting with her via your flu…
DM: Moving right along. Your charisma is currently what, 20 with gear? She looks at you and laughs in a friendly, slightly flirtacious manner. “But I have a feeling you are here to talk about more than just my talents, yes?”
From that point on, no one would believe SorcP's insistence that the sorceror was NOT a womanizer. Didn't help that he was introduced to the party having been chained to a wall by a drow cleric, presumably of Lolth, while trying to save a local kid from becoming a sacrifice. Witness the below exchange:
SorcP: So we've run into a drow patrol? Are their any females included? I go for them if there... What?
ElfP: Dang, don't guys think of anything else? We're in combat!
SorcP: I was going to KILL them. KILL. Not seduce, KILL. Like, with lightening. We've figured out by now that the women are in charge around here.
ElfP: :rolls her eyes: Sure.
At a later point, when the Paladin was being owned by the drow commander, SorcP saved his life by calling out a well-timed pickup line from the ceiling he was spiderclimbing on (only party member who spoke Undercommon) to the effect of "Hey there, short, dark, and deadly... what do you say to a guy that knows his way around spiders?" The DM ruled that the shock, disgust, and surprise at hearing Undercommon from directly overhead granted a slightly more effective version of the aid another action, allowing the Paladin to take out the commander somewhat more easily.
All for now, though I look forward to sharing more. Great thread, I only hope you all enjoy this half as much as I've enjoyed this thread.
From that point on, no one would believe SorcP's insistence that the sorceror was NOT a womanizer. Didn't help that he was introduced to the party having been chained to a wall by a drow cleric, presumably of Lolth, while trying to save a local kid from becoming a sacrifice.
Heh, poor guy. Of course, that's the sort of thing that can be a lot of fun for all parties as long as everything is taken in good grace.
Please, do bring more lines! Your games sound fun.
Great Wyrm dragon to Elf:"Aren't you a little small to be lecturing a dragon?"
Bwa ha ha!!
I need to remember that one for when we return to my D&D campaign. We have a Half-elf in the party that likes to lecture people and they'll be dealing with a pair of powerful dragons soon. Elf Wizard -- You know, this may be one time where magic won't solve the problem....
Party --
Elf Wizard -- I can't believe I just said that.
Human WIzard -- Do we have to roll to see if they have these spells? I mean, these are meaningless spells and it will take up so much time away from game...
DM -- OK... Since they're meaningless, you can wait to handle this until after the game.
Dragon Disciple -- You HAD to say they were meaningless didn't you. You know you brought this on yourself.
Human WIzard --
We get to the last part (we think at the time) and it's a long bridge-like strip of land across a large body of water to a large island. Blocking our path is, as the GM described it, "A huge mound of what looks like gems but it's pulsing slowly. It rises, then lowers, over and over."
Me: "Well whatever it is, it's definately not male."
Other players and GMs:
Me: "Well you see... 'Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don't.' "
The GMs had to call a time out while everyone, including them, recovered from laughing. As a bonus, it turned out it was female. A female 'gem dragon' of some sort. It was guarding the path to the guy we needed to talk to, a wizard who lived on the island.
(We had been playing a long time...)
Background: A kid believes he deserves to be made DM, despite the fact that: A) we have told him multiple times he's not DM, B) we haven't even let him into the group, and C) he is rules-illiterate, as demonstrated by my conversation with him:
Me: So, Gimble, still think you should be DM?
Gimble: Yes.
Me: Why?
Gimble: I know more than (DM) does.
Me: Do you know the rules?
Gimble: Yes.
Me: Let's test that. What is a Large creature's size modifier to grapple checks?
Gimble: Uhh...he gets more powers.
Me: I'm looking for a number. What is the size modifier?
Gimble: He gets stronger.
Me: >sigh< the answer was +4. Next question: What is Small creature's size modifier to Armor Class?
Gimble:
3?Me: +1. You have a long way to go.
Gimble: Well, I have 50% correct. That's got to count for something, right?
Me: No, you have 0% correct.
Gimble:
Me: I asked you two questions and you missed both.
Gimble: Well, everyone gets unlucky.
Me:
Okay, here's a REALLY easy one: How many core races are there?Gimble: Six?
Me: Seven.
Gimble: Well, I've only been one off each time.
Me:
Last question. How many core classes are there?Gimble: ...Five?
Me: Eleven. *walks away*
This one didn't happen during a session, but it is still D&D-related enough that I'm putting it up here. Names have been changed to protect the idiot.
Background: A kid believes he deserves to be made DM, despite the fact that: A) we have told him multiple times he's not DM, B) we haven't even let him into the group, and C) he is rules-illiterate, as demonstrated by my conversation with him:
Me: So, Gimble, still think you should be DM?
Gimble: Yes.
Me: Why?
Gimble: I know more than (DM) does.
Me: Do you know the rules?
Gimble: Yes.
Me: Let's test that. What is a Large creature's size modifier to grapple checks?
Gimble: Uhh...he gets more powers.
Me: I'm looking for a number. What is the size modifier?
Gimble: He gets stronger.
Me: >sigh< the answer was +4. Next question: What is Small creature's size modifier to Armor Class?
Gimble:
Me: +1. You have a long way to go.
Gimble: Well, I have 50% correct. That's got to count for something, right?
Me: No, you have 0% correct.
Gimble:
Me: I asked you two questions and you missed both.
Gimble: Well, everyone gets unlucky.
Me:
Gimble: Six?
Me: Seven.
Gimble: Well, I've only been one off each time.
Me:
Gimble: ...Five?
Me: Eleven. *walks away*
I don't know the number of all core classes and races myself either
I know them all, but if you'd ask me how MANY there were I'd have to guess.Anyhow... to continue...
PC1 = Human PsyWarrior 2
PC2 = Dwarf Fighter/Rogue (me) 1/1
PC3 = Human Monk 2
PC4 = Elf Ranger 2
PC5 = Half-Orc Barbarian 2
PC1 - (to me) You can swim? (he is on the bottom of a pool after failing some swimchecks)
Me - I have a +7 on swim
DM - Dwarves are just naturally bouyant
PC1 - You know what's really cool?
PC4 - No
PC1 - Okey :D
DM - (To PC3) Your call
PC2 - (handing phone to PC2) Yours
PC3 - Bladiebladiebladie Yes mom bladiebladiebladie Yes, I'll put the garbage out bladiebladie Bye mom
PC2 - Your mother again? That's the 5th time she called you since we entered this dungeon
PC1 - You have some reach on that thing man
PC3 - Yeah, I'm on CryptNet (Inc.)
Show
Psychometabolism
Level: Psychic warrior 1
Display: Olfactory
Level: Psychic warrior 1
Display: Olfactory
I don't know the number of all core classes and races myself either
I was only expecting the PHB races and classes.
Sorc: I think he was at the tavern... wonder what's keeping him.
Another Char: Well, that depends on how much of a monk he is, doesn't it?
Some sessions later, a minor NPC monk also disappeared in the local tavern.
Sorc: We lost another monk in that bloody tavern... You know, I grew up in this village. You'd think I would have known how great that place was...
Elf: Well, these two were monks. Maybe you're just too easy to pique their interest.
And perhaps the greatest moments of that game...
The party has found a crystal, mostly flat and about the size of a human torso. It's not made of anything we're familiar with, but it IS very hard. When investigating rumors of strange ruins appearing in the nearby forest where none had been before, the party discovered (surprise, surprise) a vertical hole leading straight down which was the exact shape of the crystal. It was decided, after the sorcerer verified that there was indeed a small cavern about 200 feet down the hole and that it appeared to be empty, that the party would investigate. So, the paladin, cleric, and ranger are lowered down one at a time. The prearranged rope signal never takes place. The sorcerer, worried for his paladin buddy, goes down to check, not intending to release the rope. The rope goes slack, and appears to have been cleanly severed. At this point, the dwarf, druid, and elf determine they will lower the halfling just to the roof of the cavern, but they only have enough rope for 100 feet (a large portion of rope having disappeared with the sorcerer. The dwarf, he of the massive climb skill, climbs halfway down and lowers the halfling rogue the rest of the way. At the top, this exchange takes place.
DM: Ok, the two of you at the top see a group of ominous, red-robed figures approaching from the edge of the clearing. There are about 6 of them, one much better-dressed than the others.
DruidP: I ready my bow, but keep the arrow pointed at the ground so I'm not too threatening.
ElfP: I stand next to him. Since these guys sound like wizards, I'll hold my staff up, making it plain that I am one too.
DM: The leader approaches you and says "We have claimed these ruins for our own research, and set up our enclave in the cavern below. We ask that you leave immediately. Others have already violated our sancutary, and will be dealt with... it would be best if you leave your friends behind, to meet you or not as they will."
Elf: But we are alone here, and sought merely to determine the presence of absence of these ruins. Having done so, we have no desire to interfere...
DwarfP: Hey, wasn't I supposed to come back up in a few minutes, if Charlie (the RogueP) didn't see anything?
DM: That's what you said, yes.
DwarfP (sheepishly): Well, I guess it's about time... I poke my head out of the hole. Seeing the red-cloaked figures, and given the rate people have been joining our merry band lately, I smile at him as though they were new friends that we've just met (Dwarf was not the smartest party member...)
DM: The Red Wiz... I mean red-cloaked figure looks at the dwarf, then back at the elf. "No desire to interfere, eh? And what exactly are you and your friends doing here, then, if not interfering?"
Dwarf (having climbed out of the hole and steadily pulled up the rope while the wizard was talking): Well, y'see, we were um...
Druid: Fishing for halflings!
Dwarf: Right. (as the rogue is hauled bodily out of the hole) Look, we caught one!
Everyone else: :OMG!
DM: Ok, you know there's no way he buys that, right? In fact, he almost laughs. And it's not a nice laugh.
Later, having reunited the party, we are surrounded by the enclave, whose leader has just ordered his lackeys to obliterate us and then disappeared. We're outgunned, as several of the party are already injured and the wizard's brain was just eaten by a cursed ring (Feebleminded the poor elf, I believe, plus an obsession with keeping the ring on at all times).
SorcP: Ok, this is a long shot, but I take out that crystal we found and act like I'm going to break it. I'll raise it overhead like I'm going to smash it on a rock.
DM: One of the acolytes looks at you and laughs: "Such as you can never break that crystal. Best not play with things you can never understand."
SorcP: Sense motive. 18.
DM: He seems to be telling the truth, but he also seems a bit nervous for some reason.
SorcP: Ok, I throw it down and act like I'm going to break it with magic.
DM: You mean you start casting Shatter?
SorcP: Nope, don't know that one. To be entirely honest, I've probably never seen it, since my uncle is more of a town magician than an adventurer, but it just stands to reason you can break stuff with magic. I fake it.
DM: You fake it? Ok, roll Bluff.
SorcP: 12.
DM: Ha. Ok, here we go. :rolls throughout next sentence:: You know, it actually wasn't a bad idea... if you had any idea how to Shatter things they would have left you alone, if they thought you could actually do it...
DM: Ok, rolling knowledge arcane...
DM: Their eyes go wide in surprise and they all lower their hands. The one who spoke before hisses at you: "Begone then, if you would place such a treasure beneath your own measly lives. You will not go far."
DM: I don't mind telling you guys they were all a level above you... and they fell for it. None of them rolled above a 2 on their sense motives, and none of them were able to determine that you were not, in fact, even casting a real spell.
PaladinP: Ok, we set up a perimeter and march out of their circle.
Paladin (softly): Keep Raef surrounded, he seems to have convinced them to let us go...
SorcP: Once we're out of sight I take the crystal and strap it to my back, beneath my waistcoat.
DM: Why?
Paladin: Why are you doing that, Raef?
Sorc: Well, he said it couldn't be broken, right? And seemed pretty sure until I tried magic on it. I don't know about you, Mr. Iron Box, but I can't think of any better place for an unbreakable object than strapped between my shoulders... can you?
DM:
That Sorcerer never did learn Shatter.
The rest of the party had been discussing a plan of attack on a keep for about an hour, going over different ways to do it endlessly. I finally pipe up, "OK look, we're just wasting time here. Here's what we'll do. We'll go with Plan A and if that fails, I'll Time Travel back to this point in time and tell you guys it didn't work! So let's go!"
Everyone at the table is looking at me, mouths agape in shock as they processed that the newest member of their group can 'Time Travel'. The GM slowly lowered his head behind the screen as he fought to keep from bursting out loud. After a few seconds of just dead silence as everyone, including the woman who created my character, stares at me dumbfounded, she finally snaps out of it and says, "Oh my god, you $&%$ liar! He's lying to us!" at which time the rest of the party snapped out of it and began to discuss the plan again.
This one didn't happen during a session, but it is still D&D-related enough that I'm putting it up here. Names have been changed to protect the idiot.
Background: A kid believes he deserves to be made DM, despite the fact that: A) we have told him multiple times he's not DM, B) we haven't even let him into the group, and C) he is rules-illiterate, as demonstrated by my conversation with him:
Me: So, Gimble, still think you should be DM?
Gimble: Yes.
Me: Why?
Gimble: I know more than (DM) does.
Me: Do you know the rules?
Gimble: Yes.
Me: Let's test that. What is a Large creature's size modifier to grapple checks?
Gimble: Uhh...he gets more powers.
Me: I'm looking for a number. What is the size modifier?
Gimble: He gets stronger.
Me: >sigh< the answer was +4. Next question: What is Small creature's size modifier to Armor Class?
Gimble:
Me: +1. You have a long way to go.
Gimble: Well, I have 50% correct. That's got to count for something, right?
Me: No, you have 0% correct.
Gimble:
Me: I asked you two questions and you missed both.
Gimble: Well, everyone gets unlucky.
Me:
Gimble: Six?
Me: Seven.
Gimble: Well, I've only been one off each time.
Me:
Gimble: ...Five?
Me: Eleven. *walks away*
so i read like really fast and i couldnt ever read faster than i got the answers. and i mean i read really really fast.
Most of the OOC stuff was edited out.
Cassius = My character, ranger/fighter marksman
Xeveria = "leader" of the little expedition
Celenia = Cleric
Xerxes = Warlock
Kyrre = Wizard
Spoilered it because it is fairly long, but I thought it was funny enough to post.
Show
12:22:02 ** (99) Xeveria looks towards the group. "Well, it's trapped. Any suggestions on how to deal with it? We could just go around." **
12:22:16 (80) Celenia: "I could summon a monster in there so that none of us have to look..."
12:22:36 (95) Xerxes: "We could fill the pit with oil and set it ablaze."
12:22:40 (78) Kyrre: "I need to look at it to cast any of my spells."
12:22:41 ** (66) Cassius glancing around for loose stone and rubble, "Let's crush it to death and bury it under a ton of rock" **
12:22:57 (80) Celenia: "Your good idea is to cause a massive rock fall?"
12:23:03 (68) DM: ((you don't think you have enough rubble to bury it))
12:23:04 (95) Xerxes: "No we'd bury ourselves as well!"
12:23:06 ** (66) Cassius finds the biggest rock he can and chucks it into the pit **
12:23:07 (99) Xeveria: "We're in a cave."
12:23:10 (80) Celenia: "Do you guys think a celestial dog will be able to take him?"
12:23:20 (95) Xerxes: "No."
12:23:44 (80) Celenia: "Oh! Or a spiritual weapon."
12:23:51 (68) DM: oh Xev, the bodies of your team are not here
12:24:05 (80) Celenia: "A spiritual weapon has no eyes, so it can
12:24:08 (80) Celenia: 't be blinded."
12:24:19 (78) Kyrre: "Well, while you guys figure out how to fight it, I'm going to get myself armored."
12:24:25 (68) DM: basilisk don't blind people, they turn them to stone...
12:24:28 ** (78) Kyrre casts "Mage Armor" on himself. **
12:24:33 (80) Celenia: Err, that's what I meant.
12:24:44 (99) Xeveria: "Right."
12:24:47 (68) DM: ok
12:24:49 (80) Celenia: "Do we really need to deal with this guy, anyway?"
12:25:06 (78) Kyrre: "Wasn't our objective to defeat the basilisk?"
12:25:11 ** (66) Cassius glances at the eagle for a moment, then mutters, "Maybe we should throw the bird in, first we slather it in a good dosage of poison, enough to kill many basilisks, then we chuck it in!" **
12:25:11 ** (99) Xeveria shakes her head. "Perhaps not, but it's likely to get out of there eventually. Would you rather it be between us and a hasty exit?" **
12:25:25 (95) Xerxes: "I'd rather kill the beast while its relatively helpless rather than have someone set it loose."
12:25:38 (80) Celenia: "I can summon a quick bird, if you've got that much poison."
12:25:40 ** (66) Cassius looking at the rest of the group, " Anyone know what sort of flavoring basilisks fancy?" **
12:25:43 (68) DM: ((LOL))
12:25:55 (78) Kyrre: "Yes. I certainly hope you weren't referring to *my* familiar."
12:26:01 (80) Celenia: "I think he was."
12:26:06 (66) Cassius: "Well actually, yes"
12:26:24 (66) Cassius: "It's not doing much good just flapping about and being a nuisance now is it, not in these mines at least."
12:26:28 (78) Kyrre: "Let me just tell you that that plan will end with an Acid Arrow down your throat."
12:26:34 (80) Celenia: "I've got some alchemical fire... would that do anything?"
12:26:35 (99) Xeveria: "You people are insane."
12:26:50 (78) Kyrre: "Let's throw the alchemical fire in there."
12:27:02 (95) Xerxes: "Cassius do you have extra gunpowder?"
12:27:03 (66) Cassius: "Right, alchemical fire, but first we tie it to the bird!"
12:27:16 (66) Cassius: "That way when it eats it, it will get a really bad case of heart burn for sure"
12:27:21 (80) Celenia: "You're really crazy, you know that?"
12:27:22 (78) Kyrre: "Do you have a death wish?"
12:27:29 (80) Celenia: "He's talking about my bird."
12:27:35 (78) Kyrre: "He had better be."
12:27:43 (80) Celenia: "Just say you are."
12:27:51 (66) Cassius: "Um…. your bird, right."
12:28:33 (66) Cassius: (wait did we establish if it had a chance to climb out or not?)
12:28:44 (95) Xerxes: (We could just stand here yammering and bore the basilisk to death!)
12:28:45 (80) Celenia: (It's 20 feet lol)
12:28:50 (68) DM: ((its been here about 30 hours... I don't think its leaving...))
12:29:15 (78) Kyrre: "Anyway, yeah. Let's get some gunpowder together and I can Mage Hand it down there. Then we'll chuck the fire down and set the damn thing ablaze."
12:29:28 (99) Xeveria: "We could just go -by- it."
12:29:29 (80) Celenia: "Hey, that would work."
12:29:32 (95) Xerxes: "Good idea I support that."
12:29:34 (99) Xeveria: "It's not leaving anytime soon."
12:29:40 (80) Celenia: "I don't want to leave it in there... just in case."
12:29:50 (66) Cassius: "But what if some kid were to find it?"
12:30:03 (80) Celenia: "Exactly, Xeveria. Why do you hate children?"
12:30:16 (99) Xeveria: "We're in a cave. The cave is guarded by our men."
12:30:26 (68) DM: ((LOL!! this crap is hilarious! Do you hate children? WTF? LOL!!))
12:30:27 (99) Xeveria: "We're going around it. You can heckle it all you like. Just keep moving."
12:30:45 (68) DM: ((I'm laughing so hard my wife is looking at me funny))
12:30:50 (66) Cassius: (heh sorry I was watching cops the other day and this guy ditched a gun but then told them where it was because he was like, "what if some kid found it?")
12:30:57 ** (99) Xeveria walks around the sinkhole, keeping her back to the basilisk. **
12:30:58 (68) DM: (Xev roll Reflex at -17)
12:30:59 (78) Kyrre: "I liked the gunpowder plan, but you're the boss."
12:32:09 (80) Celenia: (What are we waiting for, why don't we just throw powder down there and light it up?)
12:32:59 (80) Celenia: "Cassius! Throw down your powder at the damn thing."
12:33:16 (78) Kyrre: "We could position it better with my mage hand spell..."
12:33:32 (78) Kyrre: "If we can figure out where it is, I can drop it down right next to it."
12:33:36 (80) Celenia: "That's what we're using with the fire."
12:33:36 (66) Cassius: "All the gunpowder I have is contained in my bullets, I don't just carry a sack of gunpowder around with me, that'd be dangerous."
12:33:43 (99) Xeveria: "Will you people get -over here?!"
12:33:48 (78) Kyrre: "Well, so much for that plan."
12:33:52 (78) Kyrre: "Let's forget about it for now."
12:34:01 (80) Celenia: "You're the reason my vision said weal or woe! If we listen to you, we're doomed!"
12:34:22 (66) Cassius: "I had the best plan, poison slathered bird would fix that basilisk right up"
12:34:31 (80) Celenia: "None of us HAVE poison!"
12:34:56 (66) Cassius: "Well, alchemical fire strapped to bird then fed to it would be just as well"
12:35:07 (80) Celenia: "You think so? Let's do that."
12:35:24 (78) Kyrre: "How about we just ignore the think for now like Xev suggested?"
12:35:27 (80) Celenia: I get out a rope, tie a bottle of alchemical fire to it, then prepare to summon...
12:35:28 ** (99) Xeveria groans and smacks her face with her hand. "Hellooo! Get over here!" **
12:35:41 (95) Xerxes: (So our plan is to give the thing indigestion!)
12:35:49 (80) Celenia: I summon a celestial bird.
12:35:53 ** (66) Cassius pays no attention to Xeveria and continues to talk to Celenia **
12:36:04 (78) Kyrre: "You two pyros have fun."
12:36:18 (80) Celenia: "Er, I guess we should... how do we make sure it eats the fire?"
12:36:24 (66) Cassius: "Yeah that's right call one of them birds, then we'll stuff it with a big jar of alchemical fire and feed it to the 'lisk"
12:36:32 (68) DM: (or you can use the dead grimlocks too...)
12:36:37 (80) Celenia: I stuff the jar in the bird's mouth.
12:36:41 ** (99) Xeveria mumbles and shrugs, hefting her sword onto her shoulder. "Bloody idiots." She murmurs, looking towards Kyrre. 'At least one of you had reasoning.." **
12:36:45 (66) Cassius: (break it's neck first)
12:36:49 (80) Celenia: "You kill it... I can't bear too."
12:36:51 (66) Cassius: (don't want it flying away)
12:36:58 ** (80) Celenia hands the bird over to Cassius. **
12:36:59 ** (66) Cassius grabs the bird and snaps it's neck **
12:37:00 (95) Xerxes: "Ahe two of us you mean."
12:37:10 ** (80) Celenia is still looking away. "Throw it down." **
12:37:17 (78) Kyrre: "I like to think that rationality is a skill that wizards should possess..."
12:37:36 ** (66) Cassius stuffs the bird with the jar of alchemical fire and chucks it down into the pit **
12:38:29 (66) Cassius: Calling over the lip of the pit to the basilisk as the bird arcs down into the depths below, "Here ya go you nasty little bastard."
12:38:30 (99) Xeveria: "And the sorceress seems... oh... what in the.."
12:39:55 ** (66) Cassius backs away from the pit after he chucks the bird **
12:40:06 (68) DM: anyways
12:40:27 (66) Cassius: (he moves back from the pit after throwing it too)
12:40:34 (68) DM: boom, the basilisk thrashes even louder and makes a horrid screeching noise that was probably heard by all in the cavern ;)
12:40:53 (68) DM: then you hear nothing more and see the light of the fire fill the sinkhole as the stakes catch fire
12:40:54 (80) Celenia: "Well, I'm glad we solved that one without consequence."
12:41:10 (68) DM: the crackling of the fire slowly dies
12:41:10 (95) Xerxes: checks to see if the basilisk is dead
12:41:13 ** (99) Xeveria falls onto her rear from the explosion, stunned by what just happened **
12:41:15 (68) DM: quite dead
12:41:18 (68) DM: and ugly
12:41:29 ** (66) Cassius nods in grim satisfaction as he mutters, "Thats right, now that's how you deal with a trapped 'lisk" **
12:41:42 ** (80) Celenia giggles. "Thanks for helping, Cassius." **
12:41:50 (78) Kyrre: "Somehow that worked..."
12:41:51 (99) Xeveria: "You do realize -every Gridlock in this cavern- now knows we're HERE?!"
12:42:06 (80) Celenia: "We're SUPPOSED to be killing them, aren't we? So..."
12:42:09 ** (66) Cassius shrugs indifferently **
12:42:10 (95) Xerxes: "Good that will make them easier to hunt down!"
12:42:22 (66) Cassius: "We're here to kill them anyway, saves us the trouble of rooting them out"
12:42:57 (80) Celenia: "Right then, let's go."
12:43:08 ** (66) Cassius nods to Celenia affirmatively, "Good idea I had eh? None of this "Let's just walk passed it!" nonsense" **
12:43:25 ** (99) Xeveria smacks her face again and gets up slowly, muttering a few choice curses and remarks in elven. **
12:43:44 ** (78) Kyrre helps Xev up. **
12:43:48 (66) Cassius: "I'm not gonna leave some starvation crazed creature like that at my back, even if it looks like it can't get out"
12:44:25 (80) Celenia: "Exactly. I'd feel pretty stupid if I just walked away when I could have prevented my own future demise."
12:45:06 ** (99) Xeveria rolls her eyes and sighs. "You don't grasp what just happened, do you? There is an army of demon-aligned grimlocks in this cave. An -army.- Demon-corrupted grimlocks." **
12:22:16 (80) Celenia: "I could summon a monster in there so that none of us have to look..."
12:22:36 (95) Xerxes: "We could fill the pit with oil and set it ablaze."
12:22:40 (78) Kyrre: "I need to look at it to cast any of my spells."
12:22:41 ** (66) Cassius glancing around for loose stone and rubble, "Let's crush it to death and bury it under a ton of rock" **
12:22:57 (80) Celenia: "Your good idea is to cause a massive rock fall?"
12:23:03 (68) DM: ((you don't think you have enough rubble to bury it))
12:23:04 (95) Xerxes: "No we'd bury ourselves as well!"
12:23:06 ** (66) Cassius finds the biggest rock he can and chucks it into the pit **
12:23:07 (99) Xeveria: "We're in a cave."
12:23:10 (80) Celenia: "Do you guys think a celestial dog will be able to take him?"
12:23:20 (95) Xerxes: "No."
12:23:44 (80) Celenia: "Oh! Or a spiritual weapon."
12:23:51 (68) DM: oh Xev, the bodies of your team are not here
12:24:05 (80) Celenia: "A spiritual weapon has no eyes, so it can
12:24:08 (80) Celenia: 't be blinded."
12:24:19 (78) Kyrre: "Well, while you guys figure out how to fight it, I'm going to get myself armored."
12:24:25 (68) DM: basilisk don't blind people, they turn them to stone...
12:24:28 ** (78) Kyrre casts "Mage Armor" on himself. **
12:24:33 (80) Celenia: Err, that's what I meant.
12:24:44 (99) Xeveria: "Right."
12:24:47 (68) DM: ok
12:24:49 (80) Celenia: "Do we really need to deal with this guy, anyway?"
12:25:06 (78) Kyrre: "Wasn't our objective to defeat the basilisk?"
12:25:11 ** (66) Cassius glances at the eagle for a moment, then mutters, "Maybe we should throw the bird in, first we slather it in a good dosage of poison, enough to kill many basilisks, then we chuck it in!" **
12:25:11 ** (99) Xeveria shakes her head. "Perhaps not, but it's likely to get out of there eventually. Would you rather it be between us and a hasty exit?" **
12:25:25 (95) Xerxes: "I'd rather kill the beast while its relatively helpless rather than have someone set it loose."
12:25:38 (80) Celenia: "I can summon a quick bird, if you've got that much poison."
12:25:40 ** (66) Cassius looking at the rest of the group, " Anyone know what sort of flavoring basilisks fancy?" **
12:25:43 (68) DM: ((LOL))
12:25:55 (78) Kyrre: "Yes. I certainly hope you weren't referring to *my* familiar."
12:26:01 (80) Celenia: "I think he was."
12:26:06 (66) Cassius: "Well actually, yes"
12:26:24 (66) Cassius: "It's not doing much good just flapping about and being a nuisance now is it, not in these mines at least."
12:26:28 (78) Kyrre: "Let me just tell you that that plan will end with an Acid Arrow down your throat."
12:26:34 (80) Celenia: "I've got some alchemical fire... would that do anything?"
12:26:35 (99) Xeveria: "You people are insane."
12:26:50 (78) Kyrre: "Let's throw the alchemical fire in there."
12:27:02 (95) Xerxes: "Cassius do you have extra gunpowder?"
12:27:03 (66) Cassius: "Right, alchemical fire, but first we tie it to the bird!"
12:27:16 (66) Cassius: "That way when it eats it, it will get a really bad case of heart burn for sure"
12:27:21 (80) Celenia: "You're really crazy, you know that?"
12:27:22 (78) Kyrre: "Do you have a death wish?"
12:27:29 (80) Celenia: "He's talking about my bird."
12:27:35 (78) Kyrre: "He had better be."
12:27:43 (80) Celenia: "Just say you are."
12:27:51 (66) Cassius: "Um…. your bird, right."
12:28:33 (66) Cassius: (wait did we establish if it had a chance to climb out or not?)
12:28:44 (95) Xerxes: (We could just stand here yammering and bore the basilisk to death!)
12:28:45 (80) Celenia: (It's 20 feet lol)
12:28:50 (68) DM: ((its been here about 30 hours... I don't think its leaving...))
12:29:15 (78) Kyrre: "Anyway, yeah. Let's get some gunpowder together and I can Mage Hand it down there. Then we'll chuck the fire down and set the damn thing ablaze."
12:29:28 (99) Xeveria: "We could just go -by- it."
12:29:29 (80) Celenia: "Hey, that would work."
12:29:32 (95) Xerxes: "Good idea I support that."
12:29:34 (99) Xeveria: "It's not leaving anytime soon."
12:29:40 (80) Celenia: "I don't want to leave it in there... just in case."
12:29:50 (66) Cassius: "But what if some kid were to find it?"
12:30:03 (80) Celenia: "Exactly, Xeveria. Why do you hate children?"
12:30:16 (99) Xeveria: "We're in a cave. The cave is guarded by our men."
12:30:26 (68) DM: ((LOL!! this crap is hilarious! Do you hate children? WTF? LOL!!))
12:30:27 (99) Xeveria: "We're going around it. You can heckle it all you like. Just keep moving."
12:30:45 (68) DM: ((I'm laughing so hard my wife is looking at me funny))
12:30:50 (66) Cassius: (heh sorry I was watching cops the other day and this guy ditched a gun but then told them where it was because he was like, "what if some kid found it?")
12:30:57 ** (99) Xeveria walks around the sinkhole, keeping her back to the basilisk. **
12:30:58 (68) DM: (Xev roll Reflex at -17)
12:30:59 (78) Kyrre: "I liked the gunpowder plan, but you're the boss."
12:32:09 (80) Celenia: (What are we waiting for, why don't we just throw powder down there and light it up?)
12:32:59 (80) Celenia: "Cassius! Throw down your powder at the damn thing."
12:33:16 (78) Kyrre: "We could position it better with my mage hand spell..."
12:33:32 (78) Kyrre: "If we can figure out where it is, I can drop it down right next to it."
12:33:36 (80) Celenia: "That's what we're using with the fire."
12:33:36 (66) Cassius: "All the gunpowder I have is contained in my bullets, I don't just carry a sack of gunpowder around with me, that'd be dangerous."
12:33:43 (99) Xeveria: "Will you people get -over here?!"
12:33:48 (78) Kyrre: "Well, so much for that plan."
12:33:52 (78) Kyrre: "Let's forget about it for now."
12:34:01 (80) Celenia: "You're the reason my vision said weal or woe! If we listen to you, we're doomed!"
12:34:22 (66) Cassius: "I had the best plan, poison slathered bird would fix that basilisk right up"
12:34:31 (80) Celenia: "None of us HAVE poison!"
12:34:56 (66) Cassius: "Well, alchemical fire strapped to bird then fed to it would be just as well"
12:35:07 (80) Celenia: "You think so? Let's do that."
12:35:24 (78) Kyrre: "How about we just ignore the think for now like Xev suggested?"
12:35:27 (80) Celenia: I get out a rope, tie a bottle of alchemical fire to it, then prepare to summon...
12:35:28 ** (99) Xeveria groans and smacks her face with her hand. "Hellooo! Get over here!" **
12:35:41 (95) Xerxes: (So our plan is to give the thing indigestion!)
12:35:49 (80) Celenia: I summon a celestial bird.
12:35:53 ** (66) Cassius pays no attention to Xeveria and continues to talk to Celenia **
12:36:04 (78) Kyrre: "You two pyros have fun."
12:36:18 (80) Celenia: "Er, I guess we should... how do we make sure it eats the fire?"
12:36:24 (66) Cassius: "Yeah that's right call one of them birds, then we'll stuff it with a big jar of alchemical fire and feed it to the 'lisk"
12:36:32 (68) DM: (or you can use the dead grimlocks too...)
12:36:37 (80) Celenia: I stuff the jar in the bird's mouth.
12:36:41 ** (99) Xeveria mumbles and shrugs, hefting her sword onto her shoulder. "Bloody idiots." She murmurs, looking towards Kyrre. 'At least one of you had reasoning.." **
12:36:45 (66) Cassius: (break it's neck first)
12:36:49 (80) Celenia: "You kill it... I can't bear too."
12:36:51 (66) Cassius: (don't want it flying away)
12:36:58 ** (80) Celenia hands the bird over to Cassius. **
12:36:59 ** (66) Cassius grabs the bird and snaps it's neck **
12:37:00 (95) Xerxes: "Ahe two of us you mean."
12:37:10 ** (80) Celenia is still looking away. "Throw it down." **
12:37:17 (78) Kyrre: "I like to think that rationality is a skill that wizards should possess..."
12:37:36 ** (66) Cassius stuffs the bird with the jar of alchemical fire and chucks it down into the pit **
12:38:29 (66) Cassius: Calling over the lip of the pit to the basilisk as the bird arcs down into the depths below, "Here ya go you nasty little bastard."
12:38:30 (99) Xeveria: "And the sorceress seems... oh... what in the.."
12:39:55 ** (66) Cassius backs away from the pit after he chucks the bird **
12:40:06 (68) DM: anyways
12:40:27 (66) Cassius: (he moves back from the pit after throwing it too)
12:40:34 (68) DM: boom, the basilisk thrashes even louder and makes a horrid screeching noise that was probably heard by all in the cavern ;)
12:40:53 (68) DM: then you hear nothing more and see the light of the fire fill the sinkhole as the stakes catch fire
12:40:54 (80) Celenia: "Well, I'm glad we solved that one without consequence."
12:41:10 (68) DM: the crackling of the fire slowly dies
12:41:10 (95) Xerxes: checks to see if the basilisk is dead
12:41:13 ** (99) Xeveria falls onto her rear from the explosion, stunned by what just happened **
12:41:15 (68) DM: quite dead
12:41:18 (68) DM: and ugly
12:41:29 ** (66) Cassius nods in grim satisfaction as he mutters, "Thats right, now that's how you deal with a trapped 'lisk" **
12:41:42 ** (80) Celenia giggles. "Thanks for helping, Cassius." **
12:41:50 (78) Kyrre: "Somehow that worked..."
12:41:51 (99) Xeveria: "You do realize -every Gridlock in this cavern- now knows we're HERE?!"
12:42:06 (80) Celenia: "We're SUPPOSED to be killing them, aren't we? So..."
12:42:09 ** (66) Cassius shrugs indifferently **
12:42:10 (95) Xerxes: "Good that will make them easier to hunt down!"
12:42:22 (66) Cassius: "We're here to kill them anyway, saves us the trouble of rooting them out"
12:42:57 (80) Celenia: "Right then, let's go."
12:43:08 ** (66) Cassius nods to Celenia affirmatively, "Good idea I had eh? None of this "Let's just walk passed it!" nonsense" **
12:43:25 ** (99) Xeveria smacks her face again and gets up slowly, muttering a few choice curses and remarks in elven. **
12:43:44 ** (78) Kyrre helps Xev up. **
12:43:48 (66) Cassius: "I'm not gonna leave some starvation crazed creature like that at my back, even if it looks like it can't get out"
12:44:25 (80) Celenia: "Exactly. I'd feel pretty stupid if I just walked away when I could have prevented my own future demise."
12:45:06 ** (99) Xeveria rolls her eyes and sighs. "You don't grasp what just happened, do you? There is an army of demon-aligned grimlocks in this cave. An -army.- Demon-corrupted grimlocks." **
He wakes up in an inn by the sound of a trumpet. Sounds like the draft just began. (*grumbles: thieving DM he stole my plot hook.*)
Gaspode (my animal companion) opens the door while I get dressed.
Soldier: "You're coming with me. everybody is being drafted!"
Me: "Gaspode, Carpe Jugulum!" (Thats seize the throat in latin)
Of course if you never read any discworld then its hard to see the joke.
first EVER game
Me: is he still alive
Dm: yes
Me: allow me to rectify that
EVERONE:
________
DM: you fall down a pit trap and due to your fact your fat get stuck half way
Me: Ahh the power of the girth
sorcerer: ill try to levitate you out whats your weight
Me: 2000 lbs
sorcerer: S**T Stay there fatass
eventually i pulled myself out
moral of the story the girth has it uses
Without missing a beat, the teamster calls out "Hey boy, where'd you get that leg?"
One time, for no reason I can remember, our halfling fighter tried to convince the party that halflings are cannibals (and we're not playing in that setting who's name I can't remember where they are). Most of the party just rolls their eyes as they pass their sense motive checks. My character's cleric cohort however, fails hers (in her defense, she'd had very little interactions with halflings...) She immediately freaks out, and my character has to spend the next minute talking her out of attacking our main melee fighter....
Another campaign, this one city based. (The city is sufficiently dangerous that my cleric eventually takes up wearing her chain shirt on social calls.) We have been attempting to research something, and the party wizard announces his intention to go to a couple of places in town to look things up. By himself. At first or second level. My immediate response: "You can't go around by yourself. You're a wizard. People kill you."
Same wizard: The party is fighting some shadows in a library. The shadows have retreated out of the room and the party isn't sure where they've gone. The wizard walks up to a door and pounds on it, yelling, "Is anyone in there?" His next line? Scream of pain as the incorporeal shadow reaches through the door and smacks him for four points of strength damage....
Imp: Permit me to direct you to the dining hall.
Psion: Very well. (goes with imp)
The imp brings the disguised psion to a door and leaves. The psion goes through and finds himself in the middle of a large arena. The BBEG is glaring at him from a seat just outside the arena.
Psion: So, this is the dining hall, is it?
BBEG: No, you fool. This is a combat arena and you shall die here. So you thought to assassinate me, did you?
Psion: Exactly. (manifests Crisis of Life)
BBEG: Ah, so you prefer to get to the point. That is very commendable. (starts monologue-ing)
Psion: Am I dreaming? It can't be this easy! (manifests Crisis of Life again)
BBEG: (dies)
Here's part of a log from an Openrpg game yesterday. The group just arrived at a cave that was discovered by miners and they come upon a starving basilisk that has been stuck at the bottom of a staked pit for some time.
Most of the OOC stuff was edited out.
Cassius = My character, ranger/fighter marksman
Xeveria = "leader" of the little expedition
Celenia = Cleric
Xerxes = Warlock
Kyrre = Wizard
Spoilered it because it is fairly long, but I thought it was funny enough to post.
OMG I love you people :D
"I can't turn into your momma, I can't become a Monsterous Humanoid!"
My barbarian sees a ramshackle old hut on the outskirts of town and goes to investigate, inside is a kobold party. Upon seeing me, they pick up their weapons and attack me. They win initiative, and charge. The first kobold to attack me with his spear gets a 20, roll to confirm, 20 roll for insta kill, 20.
Me: Lol, in the first combat of the game, against the weakest monster in existance, I get killed. (I was level 1 so I didn't care if my character died or not)
DM: Ugh... new house rule: 4 20s is a kill.
*rolls again*
Guess what? A 20...
Me: Those dice are loaded, aren't they?
in an IC quote I will NEVER give context for (First person to guess context wins a cookie!) :
"I can't turn into your momma, I can't become a Monsterous Humanoid!"
a changeling getting suggestions for its appearence for the next covret opperation and ghetting annoyed by all the crappy ones
My dwarf barbarian was sent to investigate kobold activity, and determine possible involvement of the kobolds in the poisoning of the town's wells.
My barbarian sees a ramshackle old hut on the outskirts of town and goes to investigate, inside is a kobold party. Upon seeing me, they pick up their weapons and attack me. They win initiative, and charge. The first kobold to attack me with his spear gets a 20, roll to confirm, 20 roll for insta kill, 20.
Me: Lol, in the first combat of the game, against the weakest monster in existance, I get killed. (I was level 1 so I didn't care if my character died or not)
DM: Ugh... new house rule: 4 20s is a kill.
*rolls again*
Guess what? A 20...
Me: Those dice are loaded, aren't they?
I've had naturally loaded dice in the past, except it was weighed so that the low range would be more common. I found out it was loaded by the forceful application of a hammer.
I've had naturally loaded dice in the past, except it was weighed so that the low range would be more common. I found out it was loaded by the forceful application of a hammer.
YES!!! awesome. not that im condonning the improper handleing of dice its still great
"All right then, I grab your femur and I break it."
"I stab him with the femur."
"Stop trying to steal my femur!"
And, from a Star Wars d20 game:
Me: "Can we sacrifice the Wookie? Please? I want to sacrifice the wookie!"
GM: "All right. The techie is going to sacrifice your friend. What are the rest of you doing?"
Other players (soldier, and two jedi, respectively): "I'm practicing my juggling." "I'm practicing with my lightsaber" "I'm meditating."
GM: "You do all realize that you're aware of the brutal sacrifice occuring, right?"
Everyone: "Yeah."
GM: "Uh, okay...you all get ten dark side points."
Jedi: "WHAT? Why? I didn't sacrifice him!"
DM: "Okay people listen up. Your Dungeon Master has apparently misplaced tonight's final adventure so I'm going to be making everything up from off the top of my head. Your last adventure will have NPCs, battles, and treasures all be made up on the fly."
Xaun: "What about experience points?"
DM: "I'm making that up too and will give you all triple the standard points."
Everyone: "Yay!"
DM: "Thats what I love about you guys. You never pay attention." :D
[2 hours later they realized the experience points don't matter in a "Final" session.]
[2 hours later they realized the experience points don't matter in a "Final" session.]
Just like in Whose Line Is It Anyway, the points just don't matter.
a changeling getting suggestions for its appearence for the next covret opperation and ghetting annoyed by all the crappy ones
no, actually. It was one of the best lines of the session, too. right up there with the druid's having the fighter ride on her back as a crocodile:
"What's your armor class, Druid?"
"17 plus meatshield."
It just so happens though...that the first hero to be 'interrogated' is the chaotic good half-elven rogue/wizard/arcane trickster (we called him a rogue-mage for short).
The rogue-mage is strapped down by adamantine bands, complete with enchantments to make spellcasting and escaping mucho difficulto, onto an operating table and is wide awake and awaiting the meeting with smiles.
Wizard: *enters from stage left if you will* Ahhhh, if it isn't the Rogue-Mage.... Oh my, you have ears again.
Rogue-Mage: Yep.
After you captured me last time and took my old ones I had a helluva time finding someone to get me new ones.Wizard: So, any enhanced abilities from them? Are they magicked?
Rogue-Mage: Nope, just really long and pointy. OH, wait, you're the villain. :embarrass WHERE are my manners? *ahem* SO! WE MEET AGAIN! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK?
Wizard: No Raz...I expect you to scream horribly. Such music to my ears that would rock me to sleep. :D
Rogue-Mage: Oh, well I guess I could do that later... So how goes the creation of terrible zombie-butlers and strange constructs?
Wizard: Oh just lovely! Those notes you had in your spell-book were just WONDERFUL! It's a shame you never took your magic studies so seriously as I. Or you may never have come to this mess. However it was so clever of you to have come up with that one spell that'd destroy constructs so easily! Glad I found it before you and your friends did any actual damage...
Rogue-Mage: Oh, pssshtt, naw please your embarassing me!
Wizard: Now I would really like to begin my examination of how a vrock's heart, an inherently destructive evil force mind you, reacts with a mortal's body and mind that prized itself on ideals of freedom and other such goodiness!!!
Rogue-Mage: Yes well before you do that there is something I want to ask you.
Wizard: Oh? And what's that?
Rogue-Mage: Well you seeeeeee..... There's this girl I've been having my eyes on and I really want to start dating her.
Wizard: Ahhhh, l'amoure.... I remember when I was that age I'd get the tinglies whenever I saw a maiden.
Rogue-Mage: Well, I'm not exactly very articulate around her and it's not because she's buxom. Intelligent. Sweet. Innocent. And somehow understands what I'm saying!!!
Wizard: OOOH! Do tell do tell.
Rogue-Mage: See, she's got this father who really hates me. But I think if I can make a good impression on the father than maybe I won't have to go through stealing his wand and using it's disentegration power on him before releasing her from the tallest tower in his creepy dark castle filled with zombie butlers and strange automatons.
Wizard: Hmmm.... Well I guess if I were that fa-...wait a second... My da-
*pats at his pockets for his want* *sees where the wand is* :OMG! Rogue-Mage: So can I go rescue your daughter?
Note: Rolls from Rogue Mage then Wizards. Diplomacy 19, Sense Motive 3, Bluff 25, Sense Motive 4, Sleight of Hand courtesy of Ranged Legedermain 32, Spot 1.
Got the girl, got the pals, had a climatic fight, and dat's it!
The party has been captured by an old nemesis. A powerful wizard (who is lawful evil and very sociable) who has full intentions of drawing out pain and suffering and other such delictably evil goodies from the heroes.
It just so happens though...that the first hero to be 'interrogated' is the chaotic good half-elven rogue/wizard/arcane trickster (we called him a rogue-mage for short).
The rogue-mage is strapped down by adamantine bands, complete with enchantments to make spellcasting and escaping mucho difficulto, onto an operating table and is wide awake and awaiting the meeting with smiles.
Wizard: *enters from stage left if you will* Ahhhh, if it isn't the Rogue-Mage.... Oh my, you have ears again.
Rogue-Mage: Yep.
Wizard: So, any enhanced abilities from them? Are they magicked?
Rogue-Mage: Nope, just really long and pointy. OH, wait, you're the villain. :embarrass WHERE are my manners? *ahem* SO! WE MEET AGAIN! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK?
Wizard: No Raz...I expect you to scream horribly. Such music to my ears that would rock me to sleep. :D
Rogue-Mage: Oh, well I guess I could do that later... So how goes the creation of terrible zombie-butlers and strange constructs?
Wizard: Oh just lovely! Those notes you had in your spell-book were just WONDERFUL! It's a shame you never took your magic studies so seriously as I. Or you may never have come to this mess. However it was so clever of you to have come up with that one spell that'd destroy constructs so easily! Glad I found it before you and your friends did any actual damage...
Rogue-Mage: Oh, pssshtt, naw please your embarassing me!
Wizard: Now I would really like to begin my examination of how a vrock's heart, an inherently destructive evil force mind you, reacts with a mortal's body and mind that prized itself on ideals of freedom and other such goodiness!!!
Rogue-Mage: Yes well before you do that there is something I want to ask you.
Wizard: Oh? And what's that?
Rogue-Mage: Well you seeeeeee..... There's this girl I've been having my eyes on and I really want to start dating her.
Wizard: Ahhhh, l'amoure.... I remember when I was that age I'd get the tinglies whenever I saw a maiden.
Rogue-Mage: Well, I'm not exactly very articulate around her and it's not because she's buxom. Intelligent. Sweet. Innocent. And somehow understands what I'm saying!!!
Wizard: OOOH! Do tell do tell.
Rogue-Mage: See, she's got this father who really hates me. But I think if I can make a good impression on the father than maybe I won't have to go through stealing his wand and using it's disentegration power on him before releasing her from the tallest tower in his creepy dark castle filled with zombie butlers and strange automatons.
Wizard: Hmmm.... Well I guess if I were that fa-...wait a second... My da-
Rogue-Mage: So can I go rescue your daughter?
Note: Rolls from Rogue Mage then Wizards. Diplomacy 19, Sense Motive 3, Bluff 25, Sense Motive 4, Sleight of Hand courtesy of Ranged Legedermain 32, Spot 1.
Got the girl, got the pals, had a climatic fight, and dat's it!
this is SO funny!
Al: A Paladin
Caldwell: An evil cleric of Vecna who has a ring that blocks alignment decection, making a deal with Al and his party.
Caldwell: *Extends hand* My name is Caldwell, by the way.
Al: *doesnt take* Right, and I rainbow sherbert.
Caldwell: Oh, you do? That's very interesting.
this is SO funny
Thanks! However...which part was the best funny part?
And a side-note. This whole thing only worked because the rogue-mage was always so soddin polite to the villains! At least until he had them in his clutches or vice-versa.
And another note...I'll never think of sherbert the same way again.
The evil sorceror has been convinced it's in his best interest to help the Cleric of Lolth free her sister, the blackguard. Having returned to their camp to pick up some "needful things" he's now on his way back into town, with the blackguard's dire spider mount in tow. He decided he might as well ride it and save a teleport for later.
DM: Ok, a group of guards out on patrol spot the monstrous spider. They're galloping your way. The spider bursts into a run. Ride check.
Sorceror (has no ranks in ride, just decent Dex): hmm. 7.
DM: Well, you fall..
Sorceror. How can I fall? I had Spider Climb permanenced last level.
DM: Well, it's a terrible pun, but that makes sense.
Currently, the party is made out of a ranged-weapon-throwing Mephling, a wind Sorceress Raptoran, a Halfling Warlock, TWF'ing Catfolk warrior, and a newly aquired Favored Soul Human.
You know, we usually have some stat as a dump stat when we roll poorly. For both the Raptoran and the Mephling, that'll be wisdom. The roleplaying and OOC comments regarding those can be rather fun. Like today, how his character's bubble-headed demeanour got the Warlock almost in trouble after she found out he isn't quite an arcane caster (in a crowded tavern), or regarding dump stats:
Sorceress, OOC: Yeah, I had to have some dumpstat. Figured CHA wouldn't be it (
). So it was either WIS or STR, chose STR, lest I'd end up with a medium load wearing my spell component pouch-belt.Me, DM: "Honey, does this belt make my butt look big?"
The party has been captured by an old nemesis. A powerful wizard (who is lawful evil and very sociable) who has full intentions of drawing out pain and suffering and other such delictably evil goodies from the heroes.
It just so happens though...that the first hero to be 'interrogated' is the chaotic good half-elven rogue/wizard/arcane trickster (we called him a rogue-mage for short).
The rogue-mage is strapped down by adamantine bands, complete with enchantments to make spellcasting and escaping mucho difficulto, onto an operating table and is wide awake and awaiting the meeting with smiles.
Wizard: *enters from stage left if you will* Ahhhh, if it isn't the Rogue-Mage.... Oh my, you have ears again.
Rogue-Mage: Yep.
Wizard: So, any enhanced abilities from them? Are they magicked?
Rogue-Mage: Nope, just really long and pointy. OH, wait, you're the villain. :embarrass WHERE are my manners? *ahem* SO! WE MEET AGAIN! DO YOU EXPECT ME TO TALK?
Wizard: No Raz...I expect you to scream horribly. Such music to my ears that would rock me to sleep. :D
Rogue-Mage: Oh, well I guess I could do that later... So how goes the creation of terrible zombie-butlers and strange constructs?
Wizard: Oh just lovely! Those notes you had in your spell-book were just WONDERFUL! It's a shame you never took your magic studies so seriously as I. Or you may never have come to this mess. However it was so clever of you to have come up with that one spell that'd destroy constructs so easily! Glad I found it before you and your friends did any actual damage...
Rogue-Mage: Oh, pssshtt, naw please your embarassing me!
Wizard: Now I would really like to begin my examination of how a vrock's heart, an inherently destructive evil force mind you, reacts with a mortal's body and mind that prized itself on ideals of freedom and other such goodiness!!!
Rogue-Mage: Yes well before you do that there is something I want to ask you.
Wizard: Oh? And what's that?
Rogue-Mage: Well you seeeeeee..... There's this girl I've been having my eyes on and I really want to start dating her.
Wizard: Ahhhh, l'amoure.... I remember when I was that age I'd get the tinglies whenever I saw a maiden.
Rogue-Mage: Well, I'm not exactly very articulate around her and it's not because she's buxom. Intelligent. Sweet. Innocent. And somehow understands what I'm saying!!!
Wizard: OOOH! Do tell do tell.
Rogue-Mage: See, she's got this father who really hates me. But I think if I can make a good impression on the father than maybe I won't have to go through stealing his wand and using it's disentegration power on him before releasing her from the tallest tower in his creepy dark castle filled with zombie butlers and strange automatons.
Wizard: Hmmm.... Well I guess if I were that fa-...wait a second... My da-
Rogue-Mage: So can I go rescue your daughter?
Note: Rolls from Rogue Mage then Wizards. Diplomacy 19, Sense Motive 3, Bluff 25, Sense Motive 4, Sleight of Hand courtesy of Ranged Legedermain 32, Spot 1.
Got the girl, got the pals, had a climatic fight, and dat's it!
Must...resist...urge to...die from laughter...BWAHAHAHAHAHAerk...
I'm going to sig this...DAMMIT! Too long...
Well, my players are always a hoot, but today we've sunk to new lows :P
Currently, the party is made out of a ranged-weapon-throwing Mephling, a wind Sorceress Raptoran, a Halfling Warlock, TWF'ing Catfolk warrior, and a newly aquired Favored Soul Human.
You know, we usually have some stat as a dump stat when we roll poorly. For both the Raptoran and the Mephling, that'll be wisdom. The roleplaying and OOC comments regarding those can be rather fun. Like today, how his character's bubble-headed demeanour got the Warlock almost in trouble after she found out he isn't quite an arcane caster (in a crowded tavern), or regarding dump stats:
Sorceress, OOC: Yeah, I had to have some dumpstat. Figured CHA wouldn't be it (
Me, DM: "Honey, does this belt make my butt look big?"
Damn you Dinictus! Stop making my character look bad!
(Yes, he's my quite evil DM, and I'm the oh-so-high Wis Sorceress.)
Then again, this probably isnt the lowest we've gone, so this quote aint that bad n.n;
Must...resist...urge to...die from laughter...BWAHAHAHAHAHAerk...
I'm going to sig this...DAMMIT! Too long...
Next time perhaps you could resist the urge to quote someone's lengthy post in it's entirety -for the SECOND TIME!!
...and why not call him a (Arcane) Trickster?
Originally Posted by Timlagor
...and why not call him a (Arcane) Trickster?
Well now there's an answer that question! During the campaign in which he earned his first few levels in Arcane Trickster, a wizard is supposed to be a part of a legal magic guild (or at least be a part of the clergy of Boccob or Wee Jas) and take orders and do a bunch of other lawful things unless he is to be an illegal practioner of magic.
It just so happens that not only is Raz (the rogue-mage) an illegal practioner of magic. He regularly stole spellbooks from said guilds in order to learn more magic! :D So by the time he got those Arcane Trickster levels he more-than-less earned the infamous title of being a Rogue-Mage!
And now back to our irregularly scheduled insanity.
Cast:
Wizard: Lawful Evil BBEG who is quite sociable at times. He's nearly bald, has a thing for necromancy (however he's not a necromancer) and making oh so terrifyingly evil goodies!
Rogue-Mage: The Chaotic Good half-elven Arcane Trickster who once wielded a wand of disintegration, and not to mention he's trying to muster up the courage to ask the Wizard's daughter to marry him!
Paladin: a noble Half-orc! Courageous! Selfless! Noble! and all that other good stuff.
Azalie: The wizard's buxom Lawful Good half-elven daughter. Obviously adopted. A sorceress who is blossoming into a Dragon Disciple.
Wizard's Minions: They say stuff occasionally.
and that's all the needed cast for now! ON TO THE SHOW!!!!
The situation.... Same lawful evil wizard had once again captured the heroes! However... He could not decide how to do away with them. Soooo, he got everyone (including zombie butlers) into the courtyard, set up a platform, had the golems make a few things....and then the following occured...
Wizard: *enter...stage left* Well well well... It appears we meet again!
Rogue-Mage: Ayep.
Paladin: YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH THIS!
Azalie: Hi daddy!
Wizard: Hello sweetums. Now, seeing as how your other companions are not with us, and that I couldn't decide how to do away with you two. I've deviced....THIS!
*Unveils an ogre-sized wheel with methods of death described on colored triangles all around the edge of the wheel*
Paladin: What in Heironeous' name is THAT!?
Azalie: Oh great...daddy got the wheel of death out.
Wizard's Minions: WHEEL! OF! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!
Rogue-Mage: Hmmm.....somehow I was expecting a bunch of wild gnolls with ketchup in a pit....
Wizard: Each of you will be placed upon the wheel! It shall be spun at deliciously high velocity! And when it stops, your doom shall be played out in front of the audience!
Wizard's Minions: :w00t!:
Rogue-Mage: Well that's nice and all...but.... DON'T YOU F
TOUCH AZALIE OR I'LL PERSONALLY STEAL YOUR SPINAL CORD AND STRANGLE YOU WITH IT!!!Azalie: You'd do that...*sniff* for me?
Rogue-Mage: ....Well...er....yeah.... along with probably finding a portal to Nessus to shove him through..
Azalie: You're so sweet!
Paladin:
Wizard:.....I'll keep that in mind. Anyways Sweety, when this is over your grounded for ten years!
Azalie:
Wizard: Oh don't be like that... I'm sure I can find a nice strong Blackguard for you to snuggle-time with.
Paladin: JUST GET ON WITH IT!!! I DON'T FEAR DEATH!
Rogue-Mage: As evidenced by how we got into this situation in the first place. I'll never take you shopping again.
Paladin: shopping? You w-
Wizard: ENOUGH!!!
*Paladin is latched on to the wheel*
Wizard: Any last words before your fate is decided?
Paladin: Yes! I-
Wizard: Okay *has an ogre spin the wheel*
Rogue-Mage:....oooh he's gonna hurl after that...
Azalie: I thought that Divine Health thing covered motion sickness too...
Wizard: OOOOH GOOODY! It's slowing down!
*zippity zippity...tapppity tappity tapity...tap..tap..ta....STOP!*
Paladin: *can't see where the pointy thing stopped* And what horror must I face?
Wizard: IT'S.......
Azalie:
Wizard's Minions:
(why can't I go out like that?)Rogue-Mage:....dude...you're gonna be
how do you feel?Wizard: Death by Succubus Love???
Paladin: What is that supposed to mean?
Azalie: Ehh...well you see...when a man and a woman...ummm...
Wizard: Well at least the minions will have a show.... guh...now I have to summon up a demon...
Rogue-Mage: This might take awhile... The half-orc has a huge Fort Save, not to mention summoning for something like this might take up some time. Wanna go get something to eat while your dad does the villain bit?
Azalie: Sure
Paladin: WHERE ARE YOU TWO GOING!?
Rogue-Mage: We'll be right back just before the summoning's done. Don't worry!!!
Azalie: Think we should get him a slice of cake?
Rogue-Mage: Nahhhh, he's more partial to pie.
Paladin: HOW DID YOU TWO SLIP OUT OF THOSE BONDS!? WHY AREN'T Y-....O_O THE MINIONS ARE TAKING A BREAK TOO!?
While the Wizard is summoning the succubus, the Rogue-Mage, Azalie, and the living Minions are getting cake and pie from the kitchens. What the minions didn't know was that Azalie had Polymorph and was going to polymorph into a dragon, grab the paladin, and fly off into the night. Probably after the Rogue-Mage got that disintegration wand back, and got their gear back together.
Of course...Pie and Cake came first
lol. That's great. I'm going to try the wheel of doom on my group! Bwahahhahahah!!!!
One half feind nocks on the door
Dm, without thinking talking as girl: "What may I do for you horny gentlemen?"
Our party: female human cleric (unit leader), male halfling ranger, and female half-elf wizard.
We're students at a military academy, assigned into units. Since our party is so small (damn players moving away!), an NPC human fighter has requested a transfer to our unit. (Note: his previous unit was led by an ultra-lawful cleric, and also contains a snotty female sorceress, and a ranger who's very friendly, but has a charisma of 7, and manifests this as an annoying tendancy to talk about/bring things that might interest people...)
PC Cleric: Not that I'm complaining, since we work well together and we could really use someone who does a lot of damage, but why did you request a transfer?
NPC Fighter: Well, my unit leader's been becoming more and more of a slave driver. Between the sorceress's wild mood swings, the unit leader's order barking, and the ranger's constant offers to polish my sword...
PC Ranger (as the party giggles): Does that mean the same thing in human as it does in halfling?
PC Wizard: Yes.
Later on in the session, the four of us have been zapped from the city our school is in to some sort of chaos dimension. We've been there for several hours watching the landscape change wildly around us and fighting off, among other things, a gargantuan mannequin, we find an apple tree in a courtyard. It's the only food we've seen since entering, so the ranger slips in to check it out, and eventually elects to eat one of the vaguely human face shaped apples.
DM: In the span of a few seconds, you experience about 25 years in the life of a human man. You now know what it's like to make love to an elf woman. It's a fairly normal life until the end, when you are faced with a figure in robes, with tentacles coming out of its face, which takes hold of your head. [Running theme that there's a cult of brain eaters in the city...characters don't know what a mindflayer is]
Cleric (as ranger returns to party): Are you all right? Can we eat the apples?
Ranger: When we get back to town, I have to find an elf woman.
So the rest of us eat apples. The most amusing is the wizard's who gets the life of a dwarf who "never knew the love of a good woman, though there was that time in prison you knew the love of a man." We decide to rest up and regain spells by the tree and have more apples in the morning. The wizard has hers first.
DM: You live the life of a chaste priestess of the goddess of healing. (The wizard's player is giving him a funny look.) What? I wanted something nice after the dwarf who was violated in prison.
Wizard's Player: Any sex is better than no sex!
(The ranger then gets an apple of the life of the player's character in our last campaign, who was a rogue killed by a mechanical assassin. Which was amusing, but loses something in the retelling.)
We start walking again, and eventually come across a glittering golden pyramid, which we head towards. It's actually made entirely out of coins. The party is uneasy and suspicious.
DM: You see a lizardlike man in fairly impressive battle gear standing in front of the pyramid.
Cleric: We're going around the pyramid.
Ranger: Actually, I think I will ask it for directions. (He starts forward on his riding dog.)
Cleric: No, wait. You stay back here and cover me with your bow. I'm the diplomat here, I'll go ask him. (Starts forward.) Good day, sir. We were wondering if you could help us.
Lizardman: [grrr]....[grrr]....What can I do for you chaps? [complete with British accent]
Cleric: We're trying to get back to our dimension.
Lizardman: Right-o. Which one would that be then?
Cleric: [gives some description of our gods and whatnot]
Lizardman: Ah, of course. Well, you head out that way, and turn left when you reach the Cubicle. Then, make a right when you reach the Pyramid of Skulls. You'll need to put the key in the Pillar of Basalt [goes on for a while, I don't remember the rest].
Cleric: Did someone get that? [Wizard's player adds "directions" to her list of posessions on her character sheet. Yes, she just wrote that one word.] Well then, thank you very much, sir.
Lizardman (tipping his helmet, which becomes a bowler hat as he removes it from his head): You're quite welcome, then.
DM OOC: Do your characters even know what a cubicle is?
Ranger's player: Well, it's kind of cube shaped, right? We'll figure it out.
So we go along, and eventually do come to a structure with soft gray walls, with a desk inside. On the desk is a square thing with a semicircular thing on top, as well as a metal thing that when you squeeze it, more tiny metal things come out. Papers cover the desk, and in front of the desk is a chair, with arms, and instead of legs a stalk at the bottom which divides into a tripod that, for some reason, has wheels on the bottom.
Our characters reached it, examined it, and turned left.
DM(Me): The dungeon has thatched branches as walls. The ceilings and floors are dirt, lit by small, glowing orbs hanging from some of the branches. The smell of - [Samurai raises his hand] ...Yes?
Samurai: Can I eat it?
DM:
Are you serious?Samurai: Yes. I take one from the wall and bite into it.
DM: A swarm of ants craws from your mouth.
Samurai:
DM: Oh yeah, the light goes out, too.
Meeting the boss for the first time...
Samurai: So I see him in his throne? Does he see me?
DM: Yes, and his weight shifts.
Samurai: Hello
Boss: Who are you and what business have ye with me?
Samurai: I'm selling interior decorating. You could really use some work.
DM:
One of the biggest ones, however, was not making my first boss powerful enough.
DM: Roll initiative.
Samurai: High Number
Fighter: Same High Number
Warmage: Poop
Rogue: Poop
Boss: Good Enough
DM: You guys act at the same time.
Samurai/Fighter: I charge him.
Samurai: Iaijutsu Focus... [MAJOR] damage :P
Fighter: Crit threat. Crit. [MAJOR] damage.
DM:
He... Drops...Our party is walking thru a town, and enter a tavern to find some information...
Our Drunken Master goes up to the owner...
"Does this tavern have a bar?"
*insert five minutes interruption as DM spews soda she was drinking and has to clean it up*
During my first session as DM, I made many mistakes.
DM(Me): The dungeon has thatched branches as walls. The ceilings and floors are dirt, lit by small, glowing orbs hanging from some of the branches. The smell of - [Samurai raises his hand] ...Yes?
Samurai: Can I eat it?
DM:
Samurai: Yes. I take one from the wall and bite into it.
DM: A swarm of ants craws from your mouth.
Samurai:
DM: Oh yeah, the light goes out, too.
Meeting the boss for the first time...
Samurai: So I see him in his throne? Does he see me?
DM: Yes, and his weight shifts.
Samurai: Hello
Boss: Who are you and what business have ye with me?
Samurai: I'm selling interior decorating. You could really use some work.
DM:
One of the biggest ones, however, was not making my first boss powerful enough.
DM: Roll initiative.
Samurai: High Number
Fighter: Same High Number
Warmage: Poop
Rogue: Poop
Boss: Good Enough
DM: You guys act at the same time.
Samurai/Fighter: I charge him.
Samurai: Iaijutsu Focus... [MAJOR] damage :P
Fighter: Crit threat. Crit. [MAJOR] damage.
DM:
Thats why i always have a miniboss 2 higher cr than the groups ecl, and a boss 3 cr above the groups ecl. They always hae a low to moderate chance of beating him. and I always play on thier weaknesses. (though the group has now balanced out, so it's almost impossible to find a weakness)
The party ended up in bar in the middle of the woods, famish and in need of supplies we headed in. Had a meal, and our soon to be evil chaotic fighter decides he wants to start a bar fight. We tried to stop him, but...it was to late. He goes over to the biggest dude at the bar and picks a fight. As the crowd gathers around the two drunken idiots, I thought I could be clever and help my friend out as he took on a character much stronger than himself. I stand up on a table hoping to fire an arrow at the grapple. Being a Wizard of no great archery skills completely missed to the point where I knocked over a torch on the far wall.
Serveral (talkin like 10-12) rounds later the with the fighting still going on I asked the DM.
Me: (to DM) Whatever happened to that torch I knocked over?
DM: Uhh, oh man...uhh the bar. Yea, its on fire now.
Rouge in our group: !!!! And we never got to make a spot check on that??
As our party rushes out of the bar (barely) leaving most of the crowd still inside the bar.
Ranger in the group: Dude, what just happened?
Rouge: Magnus burnt down the bar and we just lost our only fighter.
Ranger: Magnus?? (turns to me) What the hell did you just do?
Me: Umm, I think I just gained us a lot of experience.
Kine: Alright, only one way to settle this. We go whichever way my sword lands.
Throws his sword up in the air, it lands point down in the ground.
Kine: Fair enough. ::grabs a shovel::
We run a Gestalt campaign in a custom campaign setting with some custom classes, so the explanations might get a little involved.
Alexander (my character) - Human Sorceror//Noble who has contracted Lycanthropy (Were-Tiger). He has also been injected with a serum that allows him to somewhat control space-time, but it has also splintered his mind and he is pretty much creating several splinter personalities (all of whom are modelled after NPC's he has met).
Bragnus - Dwarf Soldier (fighter)//Rogue. Not a whole lot of explanation here, other than a note that normally Bragnus is EXTREMELY reserved about everything but money (he loves his money).
Corban - Thurks (large Lion-man) Monk//Rogue. Monks who can pounce scare me.
Pck'chk - Thri-Kreen Barbarian//Muse (spellless Bard). "I'm just a simple bug" is the most common thing that comes out of his mouth.
-----------
Scene 1 - We are on a desert planet in a radioactive wasteland looking for a criminal with an extremely high bounty on his head (1 billion credits where a credit is roughly 1 gold). Corban has gone scouting and comes back to report what he has seen as far as defenses (blue dragons).
Alexander - Good lord! He has dragons guarding him now?!
Pck'chk - And from the description, they sound rather old and large. Let's get out of here
Alexander - I agree, no amount of bounty is worth this, we can just tell the authorities where he is and how to find him.
Bragnus - I dunno, a billion credits is alot of money. I think we should do this.
Pck'chk - Hello Dwarfie Mc-Dumb@#$! DRAGONS! PLURAL!
----------
Scene 2 - A few months later, the party has been taken captive by a Fringe Lord (picture a Rakshan [alter Rakshasa] Jabba the Hutt type character). Bragnus, Corban, Pck'chk and Alexander's cohort are in cages in a dungeon below the gladiatorial arena. Because Bragnus once worked for this Fringe Lord, he recognizes the Captain of the guard and confronts him after a meal of a stale biscuit and dirty water.
Bragnus - You know, the prisoners would put on more entertaining fights if they were fed better.
Captain - Sorry about that Flattooth. Would you prefer cooked meat?
Bragnus - That would be nice.
The Captain of the Guard pulls a dwarven woman from a cage and shoots her around a dozen times in the chest with his magical pistols. Leaning down, he pulls a chunk of charred meat off her corpse and throws it into Bragnus's cell.
Bragnus (OOC) - I am thinking about how I am going to kill him.
The next day, the complex comes under attack and Bragnus gets the Captain to let him out of his cell after taunting him enough. After a short scuffle which ends up with all the cages open, Corban grappling the Captain, and Bragnus getting one of the pistols from him, Bragnus kills the guard in an extremely graphic manner. The short and slightly less detailed and gruesome version goes like this.
Bragnus shoots a hole in the captain's stomach and chokes him with his own entrails after saying, "Sorry I can't cook them for you lad." He then gets his axe out of the storage room and cuts off the captain's head.
Me (OOC) - Ummmm. . . .yeah you aren't Neutral Good anymore. . . . in fact I think they need to make a new alignment for you, Chaotic Psychotic.
---------
Scene 3 - A few minutes later, the now freed group is running through the palace looking for me and a few of our NPC friends who were also captive. As they run down a hallway four guards enter and take up firing positions as their suprise round. Initiative is rolled and Corban acts first. He pounces on one of them and rips him to shred with his bite attack still available, so he bites a second guard. Pck'chk charges forward and gets a critical with his greataxe (while power attacking a full 11), reducing a second guard to a bloody mist (130 damage will do that to you). The two remaining guards shoot at the party and miss completely, which allows Bragnus (still dripping with the guard captain's blood) to run up and power attack a full 12. He too gets a critical and his target's torso is separated from his legs. Bragnus's cleave then cuts down the guard that Corban bit. So in less than 6 seconds, the 3 of them cut down 4 guards in a bloodbath.
Pck'chk (OOC) - Best slaughter of low level guards ever, but you know when we fight the elite guards soon we are going to fumble left and right.
Three minutes later, they encounter said elite guards. Pck'chk fumbles three times and the guards get three critical shots on Corban and one on Pck'chk.
Pck'chk (OOC) - I TOLD YOU!!
--------
Ah, there are so many more, but I have places to go. Perhaps later I will amuse myself by telling everyone about Alexander's splinter personalities and the arguments he has with them.
Vanessa = Wolverine rip-off, except no adamantium or style points.
Harmony = Time manipulator (speed up/slow down powers).
Moroni = Young dragon who can shapeshift into a house cat.
Johnny = An immortal with amnesia.
Nick Fury = Himself.
Vanessa: "So who's the informant we're looking for? This guy doesn't seem to be very informative." *Points to Johnny*
Johnny: "Sorry, I shadowed you just ot be sure you were all clean."
Nick Fury: "Anyway, this is John-"
Moroni: "We've Met."
Everyone:
DM: "You know when you're driving down the road and feeling all good about yourself? And then you accidently shift from 3 to 1st and your engine leaps out of the hood. It kinda throws off your stride. Like right now."
Vanessa: "How did you meet him?"
Moroni: "I once ate him for asking stupid questions."
Johnny: "Well what kind of stupid question did I ask?"
Moroni: "That was it."
Johnny: "I need more Ammo for my M-16."
Officer: "You're a consultant! What are you consulting?!"
Johnny: "I'm consulting my own survival."
Moroni: "Okay, driving across Europe is taking too long. Anyone ever thought to fly there instead?"
Vanessa: "Hey, we were weren't born with wings like you were, dragon."
Moroni: "Well sorry if you were born a loser."
GM: :D
Vanessa: "Oh hush. Maybe we can charter a small prop plane to take us there."
GM: "That's not flying, thats screaming across the european sky in a small aluminum tube."
Moroni: "I'd rather put my faith on Johnny Pnumonic over there."
Johnny: "Hey, my shirt does make it look like I have a bull's eye target on my chest."
Moroni: "You people suck..."
Elf Wizard -- Actually, that could be very useful. And fun. Cast it in the emperor's basement as a prank.
Human Wizard -- Ha ha! I gave you liches.
Wizard: Hmmm.... Well I guess if I were that fa-...wait a second... My da-
Rogue-Mage: So can I go rescue your daughter?
Now THAT'S style!
Situation: The party encounters BBEG in his lair after defeating his hordes, sabotaging his plans and neutralising all his nifty magical goodies.
Adventurers: "Now we have you!"
BBEG: "Yes, you do. Reduced in power as I am I can probably only kill half of you before I fall."
A: "Half?"
B: "Probably the first half."
Cue much fear from players as they try and figure out what they missed, and especially who gets to go first.
DM: "You walk into the room and see a large bust of a snake with an open mouth in the back. It has two jeweled eyes, both rubies. The body of the first snake you encountered is on the ground before you."
Wizard: "I try to remove the ruby." (New)
DM: "Reflex save" (They usually don't ask anymore. I'm that kind of DM)
Wizard: *fail*
DM: "4d6 fire damage."
He survives, the ranger approaches the bust.
Wizard: "Uhh Ranger, (bad roleplayer) last time we were here and I stuck my arm in there, it clamped down..."
Ranger: "I stick my sword in there"
I immediately throw him a mechanical pen.
DM: "Flip your character sheet over."
Ranger: "Uhh" (does it)
DM: "In your items slot, write in 'Hilt'"
Ranger:
Anyway, we finished the adventure (which was just to kill/capture some kobolds and orcs that were stealing from the innkeep,) and I realized that I made a few mistakes.
Innkeep(DM): I don't have much money to reward you with, but I have some foodstuffs that you might appreciate. *switches to OOC* Oh crud...
Sisters: What?
DM: A loaf of garlic bread.
((If it takes you a while to get that, don't worry. I had to explain that garlic bread doesn't come in loaves before they realised what was wrong.))
After they finally stop laughing, I look at the next item on my reward list.
DM: Oh crud, the innkeep gives you a bowl of green soup.
(Older sister): You better tell me what you put in that right now.
That took a long time to wear off.
Me: I don't have anything that will help.
Kent: I have a large sack!
DM: Um, that's nice, Kent... :D
We laughed very hard at that one for a long time. Our group was a bit preverted though.
Rogue-Mage: A half-elf arcane trickster named Raz who is occasionally quick of wit and currently wondering how to propose to a certain lady fair!
Sorceress: Another half-elf however not related to the Rogue-Mage! Her name is Azalie and she has been steadily developing draconic tendencies, which includes an attempt to make the rogue-mage her 'personal treasure'!
Paladin: A noble half-orc who also wishes to win the heart of the sorceress albeit he really had no chance to start with. Not for lack of trying though... CHIVALRY WILL NEVER DIE!!!
Princess: A maiden whom the three above are supposed to be protecting from an assasination plot!!!
Assasin: An unusual assasin in that it is a construct!!!
Out to kill the princess with EXTREME PREJUDICE!!!Situation: The three adventurers have been hired to protect the princess from an unknown assasin. The assasin had been watching the three for some time now before devising a cunning scheme! Using excellent forgery skills, it created three letters and delivered them to the hero's rooms!
---What the Sorceress did---
Sorceress: Oh how will I... well what's this? *picks up letter and reads it* Well this is odd, "Meet me at the fountain in the courtyard, there I shall prove my love to thee. Signed, Razilicial Delacroix of the Ta'alis Family (Rogue-Mage)" :inlove: HE'S GOING TO TELL ME HE LOVES ME!!! I better find a skimpy dress!
---What the Paladin did---
Paladin: *searches room thoroughly since the Rogue-Mage is fond of playing pranks on him to get him to 'loosen-up' when he discovers the letter!* Hmm..."Let us settle our feud over Azalie's heart. Meet me at the fountain in the courtyard at midnight. Signed, Raz." Hmmmm, I shall strive to make him see once and for all that he is not right for Miss Azalie!
---What the Rogue-Mage did---
Rogue-Mage: Hmmm...a letter.... *rip open* "To Raz, let us settle our" blah blah blah *flambe's letter with a lil pyro spell* I feel like taking a walk! :D *jumps out the window, excellent tumbling skill check lets him live with no damage!*
---Sooo...---
The DM had planned that at precisely midnight, the assasin WILL STRIKE!!! However.... Having gotten to the fountain early, Azalie awaits for her beloved in a dress made to entice! Having jumped out of the window, Raz is walking the grounds when he comes across the courtyard with the Sorceress!!!
Rogue-Mage: Oh he-
Azl...Aza................... Sorceress: Oh Raz!!! I got your letter!
Rogue-Mage: Le-......wait, letter?
Sorceress: Yes! Oh it's so sweet of you to fight the Paladin for my heart! I can't tell you what it means to me! Especially since it's widely known that you can't hold a candle to him in sheer combat. Not to mention he's been able to take on hordes of orcs while you just seem to lure them into traps and then have your way.... I just wanted you to know that-
Rogue-Mage: *20 Intelligence brain-processing....Fact: Straight Fight (aka duel) + Paladin = half-elf mincemeat* WELL LOOK AT THE TIME! It's getting late! You know I think I'll just go to bed, NIGHT!
Sorceress: YOU'RE CHICKENING OUT!!!???
:headexplo FINE!!! *runs on over, grabs Raz* FINE!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND SLEEP WITH THE *bad-word* PRUDE PRINCESS THEN!!! *rolls a natural 20 to throw the rogue-mage into the princess' room, in the highest tower, where the assasin was just about to strike at midnight!!!*
Assasin: *pulls out dagger, slowly raises it and.....*
Rogue-Mage: *makes spot check, sees Assasin* OOC: I cast Golem Strike!
DM: ....
...make a concentration check.. you PASSED?Rogue-Mage: *tumbles into room, surprise round! Deals sneaky damage!!! With a rapier no less!*
Assasin: What th-GAH!!!! *looks down at fist sized whole from rapier strike*
Rogue-Mage: OOC: I HAVE A SECOND ATTACK TA BOOT!!! *rolls natural twenty, still surprise round, more sneaky attack damage!!!* IC: Good night monsieur!
Assasin: Goodnight...x.x *clanks in parts to the ground, waking up the Princess in the process*
Princess: EEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!
Rogue-Mage OOC: Can I make a Charisma check?
DM: Sure :rollseyes:
Rogue-Mage: *rolled another natural twenty* Don't worry Milady, I'm an adventurer, just dropped on by on business! *and exits back the way he came!*
*back in the courtyard*
Paladin: *arrives right at midnight!* Hmmm...where is that scoundrel?
PLOP!!!
Rogue-Mage: *rolled good....but didn't roll good enough*
Paladin:.... I refuse to fight you in such a horrid state. I will heal you, then beat you.
Rogue-Mage: Swell....
Quite funny. Keep it up!
"That was an excellent tatic, with the three of you attacking her and the mage doing all the work. I may compose a song about it."
*middle of fight*
Halfling Sorcerer just cast Enlarge person on Drunken Master:"Alright go get him"
Half-Orc Drunken Master:"But I dont have a weapon..."
Halflin Sorcerer:"Your a drunken master, find something"
Half-orc Drunken Master:"Ok"
*Grabs Sorcerer by the legs and points him at the enemy*"On Guard!"
The lovely Fiona Flameheart, talking about that one time she slept with an old (venerable) senile wizard.
DM: you are awakened by the sounds of screaming, what do you do?
Zane: I wake Up!
on the boat, after fighting a doppelganger rogue/sorcereor
Yeldir(artificer): lessee here, i'm at X health, zane's fine, and will died twice
Will: .......
fighting the cultists of some devil lord
DM: make a will save, from their appearance
Will: I can die by looking at them?
DM....no comment
Fighting The Guardian of the Artifact that will bind the devil lord
Will: I use Greater Kiai Shout
Zane: what's that gonna do?
DM: *rolls*...
the devil runs off screamingfighting the high priest of said devil lord
DM: the priest tears upon a hole in reality, and begins summoning a-
Zane: A powerpuff Girl!
DM:
and a small little human with orange hair and a red bow walks outZane:
DM: it's just like a bone devil
Zane: :OMG!
Yeldir: I use the demonicon of iggwilv to summon a (roll, roll) Nalfshenee, it steps on the powerpuff girl
Fighting The Devil Lord
Gark is frenzying and has a feat from one of the books that let's you have a bonus on damage rolls equal to how low below 20 HP you are
Gark of the whirling blades(successor to yeldir, frenzied berserker/warhulk,): I attack it
DM: you miss, it attacks you with (roll, roll) 2 claws, (roll, roll), and it's bite, (roll, roll) and it's tail slap. what are you at?
Gark: :D , -140
DM
Gark: Swing!
DM:
:OMG! you hitGark: (roll, roll) 182 damage
DM: ....
the devil explodesGark: :D :D
solemn moment of silence from gark's sacrifice
DM: and a artificer-god encases the bloody mess and magical sword that was once Gark in a mithral body.
Gark: (super high pitched voice): Will of the Gods!
Zane: oh yeah, i hit epic
Gark: will of the gods!
Zane: epic!
Gark: will of the gods!
Zane: EPIC!
Gark: WILL OF THE GODS!
Zane: EPIC!
Zane: if you don't mind me asking...how the heck are you going to reproduce if your made out of mithral?
dividing up the devil lords loot
DM: will, you get a mirror of opposition
Gark: hold it up to zane
Will: no
Gark: C'mon
Will: okay
Gark: *min-maxed warrior tears zane's duplicate apart in seconds*
Gark: :D , oh yeah zane, Epic AND Will of the gods.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
will, experimenting with his new cubic gate to get back to town
Will: I activate my cubic gate
DM: your in the gray waste of hades, i need a will save
Will: *fails*
DM: your wisdom permanently drops by one
Will: I activate my cubic gate
DM: you're now drowning on the elemental plane of water
Will: Cubic Gate!
DM: your on bytopia, the peaceful plains of animals
Zane: you should stay their
DM: your about to be eaten by a celestial dire bear
Will: CUBIC GATE!!!!
DM: your on baator
Will: CUBIC GATE!!!
DM: welcome to the infernal battlefield of-
Will: CUBBBIICCC GAAAAAAAATTTTTTTEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
DM: your in town
Will: ........
Will: mind if i join in
Zane: the duplicate would kill you
Will: I'd attack it while gark took most of the damage!
Gark: wouldn't that be dishonorable?
Will: Why?
Gark:...because your sticking someone in the back while their dueling someone else?
Will(indignant): i would stab them from the side!
Gark:.............
Gark: fighting
Zane: starts humming, then singing "Bratz big babies"
Druid(OOC): hmm, maybe I could use my Badger as the Jaws of Life...
Soulknife(OOC): Great, so now she has an octopus and a raging Badger on her head. You should just change your name to Menagerie.
--
Barbarian: Lets have an experiment; Do Halflings provide cover from Longspears?
--
Rackus (CN Human Ranger): Allow me to educate you in my language. Pulls a shortsword and stabs the lackey. Lesson one: Shut the
up."That must have been the kobold SWAT team." ~Inias, the wizard (the kobolds were attacking with ruthless and suicidal courage, but excellent tactics, too)
Monk: Do they give me anything before I go?
DM: They... give... you a rock?
Monk: A rock?
DM: Yup.
Monk: Sweet. I'll name it "Wilson."
We all got a chuckle out of it, and Wilson became something of a staple in our first campaign. Wilson got it's use many times, and was quite effective when we had to deal with Stirges. We couldn't make the DM crack into making it a +1 Wilson, though.
Later on, the monk, while we were dealing with a bunch of skeletons with illusions over them, jumped onto a float with the princess on it and defended her. Once the battle was over, the monk made the best one-liner anyone could've done...
Monk: Can I grapple the princess?
I feel accomplished.
I took notes on my character sheet, on the back, of all the funny things that happened that I was able to scribble down. I'll point out each one and elaborate on it. However, I'd like to start with descriptions and a non-written scne.
My character is Attez, the chaotic evil elven wizard who wants ultimate power. He's insane and loud and very easily annoyed. J
oe has a character named Joeko, who ended up dying and coming back as a ghoul. Also, his greatsword was kinda melted down, and now it's more of a greatpaddle. It still works fine though!
Mike has, I believe it's called Sithis, all I know of him is he's an 18 strength, hulking lizardman who's constantly mistaken for a baby green dragon.
I'll be darned if I can remember Justin or Dennis's characters, so I'll refer to them as "Justin" and "Dennis" until I remember them. Justin's character is the only cleric in the world. He's lawful good and is pretty much the stereotypical cleric, other than also being a slight womanizer. Dennis's character is quite possibly the oddest samurai you'll ever know, considering he spends most of his time getting drunk and we haven't heard anything of his lord yet.
Also, the DM has an NPC himself, but it's not a bad one. In fact, everyone absolutely loves the DMPC. His name is Squee, and he's a very childish and naive and slow goblin. Source of endless humor, and isn't that bad of a fighter as well, especially when wearing his "helmet" (the skull of a skeleton he critted and killed once).
Okay, so we'll start with the scene where the characters find me. Sithis had just grabbed Squee and thrown him up into the air and accidentally into the town. So now they're trying to find poor Squee. Unfortunately, Attez already has - Squee landed in the area of the library that Attez occupied. Attez heard a crash and went over to see all the rubble and the little goblin. And stares.
Attez: Okay, who the hell are you, how the hell'd you get here, and what the hell are you doing? (Maybe he says hell a bit much).
Squee: Well, there's a big hole in the celing, and I'm under the celing, maybe I came from the hole.
Attez: ...
Squee: I mean, seriously, if there's a big hole, and I'm sitting under it, then I don't think I came from the door! Seriously, you must not be very smart.
(Take a moment to let how bad an idea of calling a chaotic evil wizard "not very smart".)
Attez: If you do not cease your stupidity at this moment, you impudent fool, I will be forced to kill you.
Squee: Well, you asked me "Where did you come from" and I said "I came from the hole in the celing" and you said "well you're dumb I don't want to talk to you anymore", honestly, I don't think you're really very smart, I mean, like I said, I obviously came from the hole in the ce-
(At this point, I look to Vernon (the DM).)
Me: As he rants incomprehensibly, I turn and walk away.
(On to the labeled scenes)
"Joe caught eating trash (raccoon = chicken)"
Okay, so Joe's a ghoul, right? Ghouls eat flesh. Joe's attempting to resist eating the blacksmith who he's trying to convince to let him work in his shop. Joe fails his Will save and ends up running outside to resist his hunger - and runs into a group of children. He bumps into one and makes the kid cry. Joe yells out a quick" Sorry, gotta go!!!" and ran away to resist eating the kids (it was better than his other solution, to hit himself in the head yelling "DON'T EAT THE CHILDREN, DON'T EAT THE CHILDREN!!!"). Joe finds himself at the back of the tavern and digging through the garbage eating rotting meat. Then the owner leans out and sees him.
Owner: Honestly, people never finish their meals anyore, an-'ey! 'Ey! What are you doing in my garbage?
Joe: ...Umm...nothing?
Owner: You're eating my garbage! You can't eat my garbage!!
Joe: Why not? Is there a law against it?
Owner: Yes! And it's MY GARBAGE!
Joe: It's not going anywhere! You're just throwing it out, it all goes to the same place!
Owner: YES, BUT NOT YOUR STOMACH!
Joe: (holds something up) What is this? Is this a raccoon?
Owner: That's my chicken!
Joe: You're selling raccoon as chicken?!
They basically argue back and forth like this until Joe is dragged out by the police (yes, there realy was a law). Then his cloak fell off and they saw he was, you know, rotting.
Police: Wh-what's wrong with you?
Joe: I...have...a...skin condition.
Police: What's it called?
Joe: Umm....dead...skin. Dead skin. Condition. Dead skin condition.
Police: ...Right then, Mr. Dead Skin.
They take him away. Mr. Dead Skin is now their nickname for him.
"Mike 'south'"
A simple conversation. Dialects are funny.
Sithis: Do you know where I have to go?
Person: Yes! You go straight sith!
Sithis: Excuse me?
Person: Suth! Suth!
Sithis: What are you talking about?
Person: (points up) This is north, (points right) this is est, (points left) this is wost, (points down) and this is sooth!
Sithis: Oh, SOUTH!
"Dragon army (Squee)"
This was Squee ranting about a dragon who's leading a dragon army. It made the list because of "They said he was getting together a dragon army, which is obvious, becuase he IS a dragon, and then he can't quite get together a human army, can he?", along with other rants.
"No corner table, Dennis IN corner"
Vernon was tired of the cliched "I'm the mysterious, brooding hero, so I will sit at the corner table of the tavern where no one can see me!", so he explained that this tavern had NO corner tables. Dennis decided to simply sit in the corner on the floor.
Vernon: Geez. "No corner table be damned, I'll sit IN the corner!"
"Mage Hand, girl, Justin"
Justin used Mage Hand to spank a girl and blamed it on Sithis. Enough said. Oh wait, the girl was a dwarf. Enough said. Oh wait, she also took a liking to Sithis. Hehehehehe.
"Squee's drunken rant ("this many")"
Squee was drunk and held up three fingers and said "I drank this many." Then holds up three fingers again and says "So I need this many to replace that many." Once he gets his drinks, he says "I wonder if I can drink this many (holds up three fingers) at this many times (holds up one finger)". He attempted to drink three drinks at once and failed miserably.
"Where you at?"
Joe kept giving IC advice to Sithis even though JOE WAS ACROSS TOWN. So Vernon made a joke that Joe had a walkie-talkie and was giving him advice that way, which started us quoting the "Where you at?" commercials and the "Can you hear me now?" commercials.
"Caboose quote (me to mike, walls/celings)"
Mike: (ooc) I look into the window. What do I see?
Me: (ooc) You see some walls, and some celings. No, wait. One celing.
"Attez, smoking bow"
My character ended up sniping an orc on the top of a tower from the ground below it with his longbow. Once he did, he took the bow and blew at the top of it as if it were smoking like a pistol. It was funny.
That's all for now. More some other time.
Okay. I just got back from a, let's see, about 7 or 8 hour long DnD session....
You write that as if it's an uncommon occurence. I don't think I've played a session of D&D that lasted less than 7 or 8 hours...
(the skull of a skeleton he critted and killed once).
Sorry about this, but how did you "crit" a skeleton? Skeletons are undead and thus immune to critical hits.
I have no memorable lines myself. Most of my D&D sessions I try to forget...
You write that as if it's an uncommon occurence. I don't think I've played a session of D&D that lasted less than 7 or 8 hours...
It is very unusual for our games. They last an hour, tops.
Sorry about this, but how did you "crit" a skeleton? Skeletons are undead and thus immune to critical hits.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Maybe I messed up hearing and he didn't "crit" it so much as he did "kill it in one hit". I dunno. I was tired. Like, really tired.
There's the:
Human Warmage (me)
Dwarf Sorceror
Human Cleric
Elven Ranger
Tiefling Monk (he convinced the DM that LA is "broken" or something stupid)
Halfling Rogue
Soooo.... we're supposed to deter a goblin invasion force (several thousand of them) all by ourselves... at first level. So obviously very tactics-heavy. Anyhow, lots of funny lines.
[u][b]Negotiating for our contract with the mayor of the city, I, the party front, decide to introduce our party to him. Bad idea.[/u][/b]
Me: So as you can see, I've already lined up a task force to complete the mission. *Points to back of room, where party is standing*
Ranger: I wave :D "Hiiiiiiii!!!"
Mayor: I see. Unfortunately.
Me: (Whispering) He has problems...
Rogue: HiguesswhatI'mahalflingandthatmeansimshortandsinceyouradwarfyourshorttooisntthatgreat?!!?!?!?
Me: (Whispering again) He has problems too.
[u][b]Later, after a combat with a bat swarm, I had knocked a bat unconcious, and put it in my pack for future study. Two days (in game) went by, and many goblins died at the hands of my Lesser Elemental Orbs. Unfortunately, I had forgotten about my little friend.[/u][/b]
DM: So you guys are running from the burning wreckage of Goblin Camp C. Everyone gets back to town safely except the ranger and warmage, because they don't have horses. You're both pursued the entire way, and now you're scaling the cliff in front of the dwarven fortress, as goblins fire crossbows up at you.
Ranger: I search for a niche in the wall where I can stand with my hands free.
DM: *Roll roll* You find one.
Ranger: I rip a strip of cloth from my shirt, soak it in oil, wrap it around an arrow and light it. I launch the arrow into the air in front of the fortress.
DM: Nothing happens, and for a second, you dread that you will die on the cliffs, just a few feet from safety. Suddenly, catapult stones begin flying over your head. They smash into the goblins firing at you, reducing them to bloody paste. Bits of gore and blood splatter all over you.
Ranger: Wow.
Rest of party: Yep. Wow.
Me:
Umm... I let the bat out.DM: A very confused, very sad little creature flies out of your pack into the darkness.
Party:
There's more, but I will post 'em later.
Human Wizard -- Ha ha! I gave you liches.
Hee hee, I can't stop giggling on this line.
In our last session the party was attacked by a gang of powerful flying apes which could have easily committed a TPK on us. In the middle of the fight they kidnapp my character (young purple dragon named Moroni who's from the distant past) and teleport him to see the BBEG (The "White Witch"). I'm in a dark room with no discernable exits.
DM: "You see a young curvy lady who resembles a humanoid grayhound with black fur and wearing a white robe. She welcomes you to her lair."
Moroni: "How novel, a black grayhound white witch."
White W: "I've been spying on you. Why are you out to kill me?"
Moroni: "Lady, I'm going to be honest, I have no idea why anyone is out to kill you and frankly I don't care. I'm just looking for a way home to my time."
White W: "I can send you home, I have that power."
Moroni: "... and?"
White W: "And what?"
Moroni: "And what's the catch? You aren't doing this for free."
White W: "Oh, but I am. No strings attached, you may go home to your world."
Moroni: "Lady, if you look at my name, there is no 'I' in moron. Anyone who's doing something for me for free is up to no good. And don't tell me you're an innocent lady with no fiendish plans."
White W: "But I'm not, I'm just trying to irk a small honest living."
Moroni: "Which usually means that you're up to no good. Oh and I'll bet you 10 GP that your flying butt monkies aren't yours, but they belong to some half-witted loser you're working with which you'll backstab later once you're more powerful then he."
White W: "Uh... well they do belong to my partner..."
Moroni: "Thought so. Okay lady, here's the deal. I'm no threat to you now, but you won't kill me because I'm too cute and your partner's world dominating plan involves me directly so my untimely death would land you dead by his power which surpasses yours. This means you're just going to t-port my cute little draconic butt back to my friends for now where I'll figure out your plan later and then come back with a can of whupp-arse so large you'll drown in it's undertow. Oh and I already have a plan to get home, I just need to kill you first and take it off your dead hands. Any questions?"
DM: [Who's at a loss because I'm actually right] "Err... ... the White Witch teleports you back to the others with a disgruntled look. But before you leave she steals your protective medalion from around your neck."
Moroni: "Fair enough."
The Rest of the Party: "Moroni! where have you been!? What Happened!?"
Moroni: "I kicked the DM in the shin and got away with it." :D
Fighter: Let me go first that way I can offer you protection.
Me: Trojan Man!!
rogue:
Captain(DM): We have reports of a necromancer causing trouble out in an abbandoned...
Fighter(cutting off the DM): No cleric. Next quest.
It took us a while before the 4 of us calmed down enough from laughing to play again.
Me:
DM: A very confused, very sad little creature flies out of your pack into the darkness.
I didn't get what the bat had to do with anything... or was it just a case of looking at one's item list and suddenly realizing one forgot one had it?
DM: Ok, you can all see that the captain will be eaten the next round. Let me see... Gnobdob(me). You are 1st.
Gnobdob: I continue to attack the kraken as a Dire Shark. Erm... are we all attacking or...
DM: Let me see... No... the wizard has not done anything yet but lit up his pipe and smoking it...
Wizard: OOC. Hey... i am in the middle of making Gloves of Dex +5. I can’t interrupt this now. I trust you will do ok :D. If the cap dies i can just blame Gnob since this is obvious a kraken sent by that aqua tribe anyways . Dibs on the caps rings
The cap survived and for some strange reason i got blamed for the attack... damn wizard! :D
Jonny T.
I didn't get what the bat had to do with anything... or was it just a case of looking at one's item list and suddenly realizing one forgot one had it?
Yeah... After all that cinematic stuff went on, I looked down and realized that an unconcious bat had been stuffed into my rucksack for three days, and felt kinda bad. It added an anticlimactic feel to the scene, but it was funny.
It is very unusual for our games. They last an hour, tops.
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Maybe I messed up hearing and he didn't "crit" it so much as he did "kill it in one hit". I dunno. I was tired. Like, really tired.
dont you watch cartoons
Obviously he means the Squee hit him in the neck, smaking his head off. the Skeleton proceeded to run around looking for his head, only to be beat down by his own femer and later Squee kept the head as a momentoHaya
Kay i got one. me the DM. this was a while ago cut me sum slack.
Me: a fairly large pit about 40feet seperates you and the BBEG. he is slowly walking toward a door.
Paladin:Stop evil doer. (He made his paladin a corny hero.)He progresses this by attempting a JUMP Check over the pit.
Sorcerer: (as paladin runs for pit) No! - He runs after him.
Rouge
always thinks the others are right.) Wait for me!BBEG walks through the door as the whole group fails jump checks. (In order WITH BONUSES (SP?) 10, 5, 14, sooooo close but nope sorry.
Fighter in other room holding of gnoll kills it (20). Walks in. Walks up to the hole.
aplaudes their stupidity and luckily is carrying a rope and helps them out. The sorcerer now unconcious and the lack of a cleric made it quite an ordeal to get out of the dungeon.
DM -- The footsteps through the swamp disappear.
Fighter -- They just disappear?
DM -- Yup.
Ranger -- I roll survival to track them...
DM -- Well, you can't follow them.
Fighter -- But he should be able to follow them, he has a feat that allows that...
DM -- Well, the clearing has hardpacked dirt and the house...
Paladin -- Wait... There's a house in the clearing?
Fighter -- Well that would have been useful to know.
A little later, the fighter goes and knocks on the door...
Fighter -- (turns to the paladin) Hmm, people like you more... You should answer...
Paladin -- Um... OK... Hello?
Fighter --
Guard: (unrelated arguing) ...I bet you don't even know what your doing right now!
Telepath: (reassuring tone) of course I know what I'm doing, now, please, stand back as I solve this crime right, and torch the building.
The group's monk had gone to talk to a nurse about what the victim had been saying and then left. A little while later the rest of the group came to speak directly to the made woman.
The Lieutenant (bard, member of the group): We're hear to speak with the victim, under orders by the mayor.
Nurse: What? Another investigator?
The Lieutenant: I'm an officer in the (Bah Bah Bah) Military ma'am, and this is official business.
Nurse: What does this have to do with the military?
The Lieutenant: It has everything to do with the military.
******
A moment later, they insisted that their artifier, who had ranks in Hypnosis (Ravenloft skill) try to help her.
Lieutenant: We'll have the doctor take a look at her.
Nurse: Oh! What are you a Doctor of?
Doctor: Science.
Nurse: Really. What field?
Doctor: All of them.
grunty123: I know im pointing out 2 derik that the troopers are cuffed
grunty123: theryre awake and mad as heck.
haloandderik: i open fire on them
grunty123: They're completly cuffed
grunty123: ?!
grunty123: okay
haloandderik: there cuffed! they cant do any thing!
haloandderik: im at point blank range
NimGeth: so don't shoot!
grunty123: 3 sixes 18 his body blasts in half
grunty123: the other ones shocked at his friends death
finding the stormtroopers place for a bounty hunt.
haloandderik: 13525 west corelliz
haloandderik: k
haloandderik: do we see him in the house?
haloandderik: i have no hook up to talk to u with matt!
grunty123: he answsrs the door he looks the same as any other trooper a mexican male. he holds a small pistol
haloandderik: i say execusse me, im quite parched .. and i have information straight from the dark lord himself to tell u ,this is a bluff
NimGeth: deriks bstill on
grunty123: you fail a 8
haloandderik: crap run!
NimGeth: uh oh
grunty123: He points mthe pistol in frony of your face get outta here now
haloandderik: i tumble under his legs
NimGeth: no derik leavwe!
NimGeth: leave
haloandderik: use a tumble check ethan
NimGeth: no
grunty123: Natral one u fall lover
grunty123: sry over
NimGeth: ethan nvm
grunty123: he shoots
haloandderik: now im running never mind
grunty123: misses
haloandderik: forget what i just said
haloandderik: i open fire
NimGeth: we get into vehicle and drive away
NimGeth: no!
grunty123: derik 10 miss
grunty123: trooper 8 miss
haloandderik: fine i got to the imperial vehicle and pull out my gun in it
grunty123: +2 to def for derik
haloandderik: matt what do u do?
grunty123: 17 hit
haloandderik: my battle phase is over
haloandderik: hit for me or for him?
grunty123: 13 damae
haloandderik: 13 on who!
haloandderik: the trooper or me!
grunty123: u are awake and heavily damaged
grunty123: u derik
haloandderik: who dammit!
haloandderik: crap!
NimGeth: comin lets go
haloandderik: i pilot the shuttle and run away
grunty123: he slams the door
haloandderik: im on his doorway now i cant see him
haloandderik: im outside hes inside
grunty123: derik u are at 0 vitality and 5 wounds
haloandderik: im knocked out?
grunty123: nope
NimGeth: ok i will use treat injury. ethan the skill is like four in moved some stuff around or its higher can't rember
haloandderik: dead?
grunty123: just almost dead
haloandderik: well hurry and heal me
NimGeth: ethan roll
grunty123: 16 on injurey check derik gains 3 wounds
haloandderik: roll or drag me into the cruiser of urs
grunty123: UR AWAKE DERIK
grunty123: u can walk
haloandderik: dosent it hurt vitality?
grunty123: it eliminated ur vitality
haloandderik: o never miind
haloandderik: o nevr mind
NimGeth: lol
haloandderik: i pilot the impirial shuttle and leave
grunty123: ok
NimGeth: ok i walk back up to the door ring the doorbell wait 3 seconds dorp a gas and stand back
grunty123: no one seems to notice or care about what just happened
grunty123: he dosen't answer hes not dumb
NimGeth: ok
haloandderik: throw one in the window
NimGeth: wait lets goto the droid shop real fast
haloandderik: break the window
haloandderik: fine
grunty123: Im sorry but LOL
haloandderik: ethan wuts my pilot check
grunty123: wow sudden bad luck a 4 derik
grunty123: Matt 16
grunty123: derik u crash into a wall
grunty123: the cruiser is wrecked
NimGeth: LOL!!!
NimGeth: CRAP!
haloandderik: crap im i deade?
grunty123: nope you take...
haloandderik: crap im dead
grunty123: 3 wound damage
grunty123: glass cuts all over you
NimGeth: ok derik gets on cruiser
haloandderik: so!
haloandderik: yep
grunty123: he is unconcious now
grunty123: drag him out of the cruiser
haloandderik: come and pick me up
NimGeth: thats exactly what they want you to think didn't you see the cruiser out side
grunty123: 4 failure
grunty123: what cruiser
grunty123: i saw no cruiser
NimGeth: what!!! i'm just talking no bluff
NimGeth: its not a bluff rember
grunty123: the cruiser was wrecked
NimGeth: oh yeah...
Background: My party (a fighter, a rouge, and myself) had just came downstairs to find out that the waitress of the Inn we were staying at was attack. We found out that they had taken some of her blood but not like a vampire. I was given a cloth with her blood on it, took it to the nearby temple found out it had Dragon and Elven blood in it. We had believed that the Innkeeper was her father but before I left he said he wasnt. I return to the bar and this short disscussion happened. Orlik was the Innkeeper
Me:I run into the Inn and say "She has Draconic and Elven blood in her veins"
Party:a moment of silence as the info sinks in
Fighter:Well now we now for sure she not from orliks loins
(not very but but still interesting none the less)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Earlier on another funny thing happened apparently during an older campaign ( I was new to the group) the fighter had gotten himself a catchphrase. The rouge in the party decided to use it which led to this ooc words
rouge IC: sticks his head in the nearest door "COULD SOMEONE DIRECT ME TO THE BATHHOUSE"
fighter ooc: Im suing
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A little later on we were using a dice roller (this was online) and it took me fouir tries to finnally type the right thing to get it to work
Fighter ooc: about time
Me ooc:dang I cant roll dice very well
Fighter ooc: just think how hard it is to program it
- Thus sings the CN Pyrokinetist of the party while in a burning Wicker Man.
"Igor! Stop poking the gorilla!"
- Our wizard talking to our other rogue, who is busy prodding the 'dead' girallon we found. (This is an obscure reference to an old video game. Can any guess it? :D )
"IS HIS BACK TURNED YET?!?!"
- Thus sayeth the other rogue to the DM, after waiting to steal from Al the friendly neighborhood arms dealer for about 30 minutes of real-time roleplaying.
Lilac: Female, Human Barb.
Grimloch: Half Oger, Fighter
Killian: Human Male Fighter
Arnic: NPC Cleric, Human.
So last sat week were doing our usual gaming session. I have 3 players at this point. The jest of last weeks adventure was for the party to go with the NPC cleric (Same lvl as the players, as all of the players are fighter type classes.) to a village on the shores of the Sword coast. They are walking through a very dense and DRY forest. They come upon a perfectly round clearing (200' X 200') with the center dropped and stairs leading to a fountain.
DM: Ok what do you all do?
Grimloch: I'm going to move out of the tree line towards the center. BEing coutious mind you.
Lilac: I'll Follow Grim
DM: Ok Arnic falls in behind you two.
Killian ?
Killian: I'm going to stay in the treeline and keep an eye out, just in case.
DM: Ok. The three of you make your way to the fountain. Killian roll me a D20.
Killian: 20 !
Dm: Perfect. (Writes note with map attached.) You thing you see a cloaked figure in a tree directly opposite of you, in the tree line on the other side of the clearing.
Killian : Ok I start making my way areound. Gonna be quiet too.
Dm: Roll.
Killian: Gerr, a 5.
The other three at this point are dealing with a water elemental, and don't know whats happening.
DM: Ok you get 3/4 way round the clearing when an arrow hits the tree beside you. The figure in the tree warns you not to come any closer.
Killian : I try to make it to the next tree.
DM: *Roll* Ok you're hit with an arrow. The 2 pts.
Killian : BY THE GODS !!!! How far am I now from this dead man ?
DM: about 80 feet.
Killian : Ok, I have no bow so I'll burn him out.
Dm: Uhh, are you s---
Killian :I soake a pice of rag in an oil flask, light it and throw it at the tree he's in.
Dm: uhhh, ok, er, roll.
Killian : 17
Dm: Ok, your flask hits the base of the tree and you set the tree on fire. As well as the dried leaves all around it. WAIT ! The fire is quickly spreading, completely out of control. Do you recall me telling the party that the forest was very, very dry?
Killian: Uh, Oh. Is it ctaching in the clearing?
Dm: No.
Killian: Ok I move into the clearing.
Fast forewarding :
DM: After two days stuck in the clearing due to Killians actions you all are able to continue . Arnic leads the way in to the now burnt and smoldering forest. As you travel you come a across a wood land village. Well it was a village. Now it's just a burnt ruin. As you make your way closer you start finding the burnt bodies of the villagers. Adult and children alike
Party : :OMG!
Killian: I, erm...uhhh, oh jeez.
Party : :headexplo
Killian: I did'nt have a bow !
Party:
The destruction was wide spread. It was 4 more days before they saw any type of greenery. At one point they come to a road and meet a caravan of humans trying to get away from the destruct
Me: I back out of the circle.
DM(to annoying gnome): The darkness moves away and your looking at the guy again.
Me: Its centered on me?! I sit down.
DM: K, the guy jumps into the darkness
Gnome: Well I'm gunna run over and help the other guys
fighting fighting fighting
DM(to me): ok all of a sudden the darkness is gone and your looking at the entrance of the cave.
Me: SWEET! Ha I get to live suckers
DM: you hear something behing you.
Me: Sh!t, I look.
DM: you see the guy, its your turn.
Me: I turn around and beg for my life.
DM:.... Ok the guy gives your a belt and tells you to put it on.
Me: Well its either mind controlling or sex changing... I put it on.
DM: You feal different, your a girl.
Me: I thought so.
DM: The guy flies away.
me: k
DM: Oh and the orc guy smashes you in the head while he runs from the cave, your unconciuos.
me: Oh great, my first day as a girl and I'm gonna get raped already.
DM: oh, btw if you had attacked you would have killed him, he only had 1 hp left
me: Son of a
Samurai: I have come to sell you interior decorating...
Boss: What..?
Samurai: Well i had a look around your place and i thought it has real potential
Boss: Sir, i have undead minions and zombie slaves that guard every inch of this place
Samurai: Well...the company i work for is very persistent...
Killian: Human Fighter
Grimloch: Half Orc Fighter
DM: As you enter the room the smell of rotting flesh over whelms you. It's every thing you can do to keep from gaging. The room is full of bodies in different stages of decay.
Grim: I try to see if I can disern if any of the bodies have been feed upon. By animals n such.
Dm: Due to the advanced stages of decay you're really unable to tell.
Grim: Well I'm not into animal Husbandry.
DM: Uhhh
Killian: Yeah, I'm not into beastiality
DM:
Grim: :rolleye2:
At the apex of some highly deadly encounter....
DM to Cleric: Just pass me your character sheet a minute.
RIP!!! (Sound of Character sheet being ripped up by smug DM)
CLERIC: Hey, what about my Amulet of Life Protection?
DM: Oops! Sorry. Have you got some sellotape?
An Untimely Death...
At the apex of some highly deadly encounter....
DM to Cleric: Just pass me your character sheet a minute.
RIP!!! (Sound of Character sheet being ripped up by smug DM)
CLERIC: Hey, what about my Amulet of Life Protection?
DM: Oops! Sorry. Have you got some sellotape?
ROFL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dm's are human too...
Characters involved:
Glim (NPC) - Prismatic dragon, body of at least an old dragon, but mentality of a wyrmling (long story involing manipulation of the space/time continuum). Spends most of his time polymorphed into a small child.
Bragnus (PC) - Dwarf Fighter/Rogue
Backstory that is important to understanding the following:
The party met Glim when he stowed away aboard their ship. Since then, we have been trying to reunite him with his mother. In an underground cavern, the party finds a portal of sorts, and my character has already gone through. Afterwards the other party members spend several minutes debating whether or not to follow me. Glim says he wouldn't mind going in because he wants to see Mama.
Bragnus - Well Glim, do you know where your Mama is or how to get to her?
Glim - She's right there. (Pointing at the portal)
Bragnus - Well then, lets go see Mama.
The entire party then enters the portal and we end our session.
Ninja : we need to kill him but we will keep his clothing they are worth a lot of mony
Babarian : ok ill cut his head of
Ninja : ohh ja this will not make a mess at all
Babarian : OK " chop " ther flys the head
Ninja : you stupid mussel head look blood all over it now
Babarien : than clean it your chinese right
Ninja : " smash his head against a tree " how can somebody be soo stupid
DM : Babarien !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DM: Would you be willing to fight for your freedom?
P: Depends. What kind of freedom are we talking about here?
DM: Yeah, definately nuetral.
Moroni: "Do your religions still charge a fee for blessings and confessions?"
Harmony: "No, most of them now just ask for voluntary donations."
Moroni: "Oh, is that what they call extortion now?"
Almost made the GM pass his candybar through his nose.
DM: It's your initiative.
Me: I charge and attack with *roll dice* 53 damage. (big grin, it was my first massive damage roll)
DM: (looking VERY aghast) He dies.
Me: What?!
DM: He dies.
He rolled a 7 on his fort save and only had a +6 modifier.
*This is around 6 in the morning after gaming all night, same DM as before (it was one if his first times DM'ing)
DM: You walk into the fort and see two guards, with thier mothers.
Us: What? Is it take your mom to work day?
DM: Yes, and they've got masterwork frying pans.
The normal DM (now a PC): We're never letting you DM after no sleep again.
Rogue-Mage: Let us never speak of this again.
What was said just before he captured a pirate captain and his crew.
Rogue-Mage: Just to put your mind into perspective as to how much pain I can inflict on you, think on this. My ferret-familiar has been known to take down ogres.... Think on it.
When the paladin asked if he's committed any crimes lately.
Rogue-Mage: Crimes? Is it a crime to help starving families? Is it a crime to aid defensless beggars from the ravages of cruel winter weather?
Paladin: Of course not.
Rogue-Mage: Good, cause Saints and Proxies was the emperor ticked when I sold off his crown to help the families and beggars!
Vahne: Help! I've been injured! I need a cleric to heal me!
Ulfgar: Um, Vahne...you're a paladin.
Same session: Later in the inn Vahne is asking the innkeeper about a group of people in the corner playing dice who didn't seem to want to interfere in the fight.
Vahne: So are those guys regulars?
Innkeeper: Yes. Why?
Vahne: Just wondering why they didn't come to help us. Are they really powerful or something?
Innkeeper: Well, yes. Isn't the nearest guy your chaptermaster?
Vahne: What? I didn't know that!
Innkeeper: But you came in here with him.
Vahne:
6 "Did that half orc just give me a pearl necklace?"
- Aramilia
7 "I was *this* close to becoming the wizard that was taken out by a cheese danish."
- Aramilia
8 "I'm a fairy."
- Sabron
10 "Dude, I'm a faery not a bug!"
- Sabron
11 "Up, down. Up, down."
- Diandre
12 "I'm going to shift in someone's mouth!"
- Sabron
14 "More skeletons are coming up the rear."
- Nick, the DM
15 "I was mounted by a puddle of water!"
- Tiaa
16 "I hate 'Red Caps'."
- Harley
17 "We pulled out. At least I pulled out!"
- Aramillia
18 "Eat some more fiber."
- Wade
19 "Take it in the eye ... SUCK IT!!"
- Nick
20 "They look Pisster. No, really, they are pisster. And now they ARE pisster."
- Nick
21 "It's ugly. Like watching cows hump."
- Tim (describing centaur climbing checks)
22 "If something comes up the rear, I can take it."
- Sid
23 "I can't do that with one hand."
- Nick
24 "Sometimes justice needs a little *nudge nudge*."
- Santos
25 "I get to keep my balls."
- Wade
26 "Fool me twice and I'll split your skull."
- Garok
29 "Wade burns a luck point shaving."
- Tim
30 "Ogres!! *boom* Nevermind."
- Tiaa
31 "I take you for granite sometimes."
- Ari to Greg (half golem goliath)
32 "The horses are given more head."
- Nick the DM
33 "There'll be no breeding aboard the Filthy *****"
- Roberts
36 "Whats a Scourge? Mostly Harmless."
- Roberts (to Rha'Ha'Shek)
38 "He dirtied the Filthy *****."
- Roberts
39 "It's ok, I got a big sack."
- Rha'Ha'Shek
40 "Nick: So my entire sack blew up?
Wade: No, you just blew a hole in it."
- Wade to Nick
41 "Jon, blow ya."
Wade
42 "You just turned that guy into a butt pillow for a pit fiend."
Aramillia to Avariel after she plane shifted some assassin guy.
DM to Psion: Your crystal reports that it is surrounded by mandibles, digestive juices and a strange oily substance that it cannot identify.
Me: congratulations, your phyche has been gnawed upon
Myself and a level 2 human ranger were being sent out to track a group of goblin bandits who'd been harassing local traders.
We find them without much trouble, watch them leave. We sneak into their lair, and essentially get our rears handed to us by the spare mounts (a quartet of wolves). We kill two, and get treed by the last two with hardly any hp left. The human ranger proves totally unable to climb, so I end up hauling him up after me while the wolves chew on him.
Then the goblins come. And the human falls.
As he's pummeled into unconsciousness, I take cover in the tree, and exchange misses with the goblins for 10 minutes, game time.
I finally fell their leader, and the leave to regroup and take care of him.
I wake my fallen companion and help him stumble away with these final words.
"Let us never speak of this again, my friend."
Sorceror stands 40' from the door
sorceror casts Knock
Sorceror casts Open/Close
Sorceror smirks at charred dwarf.
The quote originally came from a campaign I was in for a bit, that was just myself (sorceror, cleric, later mystic theurge) and a dwarf (straigh barbarian).
We had a load of fun, though it was tough at times wearing both magic hats.
My guy was pretty impulsive, had a habit of just opening doors which bit him om the figurative rear end a few times. The dwarf at least had the hp to take the hits without severe risk.
We were using a few of the minor suggestions from Unearthed Arcana, and I had a ring item familiar that was randomly determined by the DM to be, essentially, the imprint of my character's mother on a familar heirloom. It was rather amusing.
Male ranger (Me) So were do we start looking?
Female Rogue: Ill start by turning into a HOBO. (meant to say turn to a hobo)
:bounce: :bounce: :bounce:
The Cast
Arthur – The brash, “jump into the fray with 0hp” type. Typically plays fighters and barbarians. Frequently shouts “Free Bird” in and out of game.
Davis – Bookish. Knows the rules backwards and forwards yet bends them to enhance his roleplaying ability. Enjoys playing bards and personally composing and reciting odes and epics in-game. Looks wistfully back to days of chivalrous tales in real life.
Ellyn – Sly and witty. Always (always) plays a rogue. Frequently uses innuendo so subtle it requires explanations (if we detect it at all, that is).
Eric – Mildly psychotic and entirely annoying. Plays arcane characters and uses powers primarily to play tricks on others. Think Black Mage from “8-Bit Theater” but with a stupid sense of humor replacing the murderous streak.
A final note: Parenthetical phrases are spoken (in undertones) while brackets describe actions undertaken. Text in braces (or whatever the heck these things “{}” are) pertain to personal notes. And now on with the show...
DM: All right folks, let’s start fine-tuning things.
Davis: Ah, Chapter 6... my favorite chapter...
DM: Right, well...
Arthur: I be JimBob the Fighter.
Davis: I... am Sir Armondiryn Silinius C’cabr’ti of the House of Regal Lions, trusted knight of the Shining Order of Khêzel-Daram, hated enemy of the Dark Knights of Khûzdul, secret bearer of the Mark of Death, and nephew to the great King Boranel.
Eric: Weasel-Killer is my name.
Ellyn: Lara Croft.
DM: *sigh* Are you certain those are the names you want?
All players: Yes.
DM: Dead certain?
Arthur: Yep.
Ellyn: Mm-hm.
Eric: Righty-o.
Davis: No action of mortal men shall deter me from this path.
DM: Okay... [Stands up and walks out of the room.]
All players:
DM: [Nonchalantly walks back in minutes later with a portable stereo, and places it on the table. DM begins pacing lightly in front of the gaming table.] Allow me, friends, to regale you with the tale of the DM who went mad. Once upon a time, there was a strapping young lad by the name of Bill {not the name of our DM}. Now Bill’s life was just peachy in nearly every respect. Nearly, that is. You see, one day he tragically fell victim to the most dreaded of all summer maladies: ennui. Indeed, he became so weary of his daily routine (consisting almost entirely of watching television and occasionally congregating with friends at his house) that he came to his father for advice. “Father, dear,” he said, “the tragedy of tragedies has befallen me! This summer holiday of mine no longer brings me pleasure originally foreseen whilst undertaking my scholarly duties! Tell me, wizened one, is there anything of which you are knowledgeable that would cure me of this, this horrid curse, this magnificent affliction?” Now, young William’s father said, “Yes, son, I indeed know of a remedy to your problem.” Bill was thus introduced to the magnificent pastime of his fathers and his father’s elder brothers before him: Dungeons and Dragons. Young William consumed his father’s aged tomes with remarkable speed, digesting their materials and concepts and desiring ever more. Driven to become ever more knowledgeable of this wondrous game, he pooled the sum of his resources towards compiling a veritable library of the latest sourcebooks and accessories. Bill even convinced his friends to join him to become his first gaming group. Young William was content. His friends, however, were an eclectic mix. [Begins lightly tossing around his bag of dice.] Their antics were oh, so taxing and required a great deal of patience on Bill’s part to contend with. Some took things far too seriously while others took the other extreme. Some carefully thought things out while others yet still redefined stupidity with their characters’ actions. Over time, these quirks took their toll on poor William’s mind. One day, he finally snapped, and force-fed them their own dice, [briefly stops juggling dice] killing each and every one. Now, of course, young William obviously carried some deep-seated problems to begin with, as no rational person would give in to temptation that quickly. However... everyone has their own breaking point... [Suddenly stops pacing and sharply turns to face the group.] This reminds me... I have a bit of an issue with the lot of you...
All players: [Stare surprised/confusedly.]
DM: What’re your characters’ height and weight figures? You never gave them.
All players: [Tension removed.]
Ellyn: That’s it? What was the point of telling us that story?
DM: I just had it fresh in mind. I wanted to tell it before I forgot.
Ellyn: Well, come on! What’s the point of all this, then, really? This ate up five whole minutes of game time here! And what’s with the boombox? Why the hell did you bring it in here if –
[Out of nowhere, a man in a “Scream” costume bursts out of the closet behind most of the players, brandishing a chef’s knife {actually sharp and gleaming}. The man lands within arm’s reach of Arthur, Ellyn, and Eric, who cringe, eyes wide, as the man raises the knife in a slashing position. Davis, sitting on the other side of the table, scrambles as far away as possible, shrieking wildly. The man stops briefly in the slashing pose as the DM casually hits ‘play’ on the stereo. Upbeat swing tune blasts out. Man in “Scream” outfit lowers knife and jumps beside the DM, facing the still-horrified group. DM and costumed man begin bending knees in sync to rhythm. DM begins singing a la “Jump, Jive, ‘An Wail”. DM and man dance and spring about Roarin’ ‘20’s style throughout.]
DM: Fellas, fellas, I’ve given you quite a scare!
Fellas, fellas, I’ve given you quite a scare!
Now put aside your fright,
And take a listen, now, to my tale!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
DM: Gettin’ quite tired of your competition, ne’er fail!
Gettin’ quite tired of your competition, ne’er fail!
You’re drivin’ me crazy,
Soon I’m gonna start to wail!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
DM: You keep screwin’ with your names and I’ll make your lives a living hell!
You keep screwin’ with your names and I’ll make your lives a living hell!
I’ll send you a-hoppin’,
You’ll get your head in a pail!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
[Music flourishes, changes to a droning, wistful tune. Both harmonize as “Age of Aquarius.”]
DM & man: Inconsistent...
Inconsistent!...
Inconsistent...
[Music flourishes once more, culminating in the pair kneeling on the ground, shaking “jazz hands” in a showman-like style.]
All players:
Needless to say, the process of getting them to change their names was quite simple after this ordeal. I, having the only living character left over from the last string of adventures, was sitting in the corner watching and waiting (unaware of the DM’s plans). The performance was strenuously planned and choreographed by our fine, if somewhat twisted, Dungeon Master weeks in advance he later told us. Through most of the song and dance number, I was on the floor, literally rolling with laughter while my fellow players were staring on, entirely aghast. I, for one, have a new respect for my DM.
It is only fitting that the secondary cast be recognized at this point:
Cast, cont’d
Dungeon Master – A quiet fellow who requested his name not be mentioned (he’s paranoid like that). Normally represses “fist of death” moments inward. I now know what he does with those.
Man – The DM’s older brother. A cur in general who only signed on to this so he could see two things: everyone’s faces when he jumped out of the closet with a knife and their expressions when the same figure started dancing about. Plans to become an actor.
How do I remember these events so clearly and so detailed, you ask? Two reasons: it was an incredibly funny scene and the DM records all of our sessions for “personal reasons” (again, the paranoia thing).
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
Roflmao!!!!!!!!
The DM instantly loved the new ranger, who was a part of the city watch, and had taken Human as a favored enemy. However, during one of the earliest fights, the ranger was forced by a spell to flee a bit, and hide in a corner behind a couch.
But then...the spell wore off.
DM: Alright, it looks like the spell finally wears off on your turn. What do you do?
Me: I say, "I....I.....ooooorder y-you t-t-t-t-to drop your weapons...please."
DM: The half-orc thugs laugh and continue to fight your buddies.
Me: I Jump, (rolls, gets a 25), then I attack the nearest baddy with my spear, (hits)(says damage)
DM: Okay...the ranger popped out behind the couch finally, gave his feeble speech, then out of nowhere turns into a ninja, leaps over the couch, rolls, then strikes the half-orc in the gut, who now looks very ticked but still standing.
Me: oh wait...does a half-orc count as a human for purposes of determining damage?
DM:.....why yes.
Me: he takes 2 more points of damage then!
DM: Okay.....guys, erase that last part. The ranger suddenly became more ninja and skewered the half-orc thug. He is now a shishka-orc-onabob. Thanks to Mr. Ninja.
I rolled a 1, so I got a 5
luckily my reflex save was in the 30's (+13 against traps)
"Just because he's evil doesn't mean he's not decent."
The mercenary proceeded to pound the poor guy into the ground.
Berz.
[DM: Fellas, fellas, I’ve given you quite a scare!
Fellas, fellas, I’ve given you quite a scare!
Now put aside your fright,
And take a listen, now, to my tale!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
DM: Gettin’ quite tired of your competition, ne’er fail!
Gettin’ quite tired of your competition, ne’er fail!
You’re drivin’ me crazy,
Soon I’m gonna start to wail!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
DM: You keep screwin’ with your names and I’ll make your lives a living hell!
You keep screwin’ with your names and I’ll make your lives a living hell!
I’ll send you a-hoppin’,
You’ll get your head in a pail!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
[Music flourishes, changes to a droning, wistful tune. Both harmonize as “Age of Aquarius.”]
DM & man: Inconsistent...
Inconsistent!...
Inconsistent...
[Music flourishes once more, culminating in the pair kneeling on the ground, shaking “jazz hands” in a showman-like style.]
All players:
That is one of the funniest things I've ever heard!!!
Show
Following the demise of our adventuring party, the task of creating a new batch of characters came upon us. Things were going fine mechanically speaking until time came for descriptions of characters to be rendered. Their names (and, to some extent, their backgrounds) were odd and out-of-sync with one another. As this had happened a number of times before, the DM had prepared a course of action to dodge the hours of debating and bickering this time around. Before the event at hand is recounted, however, an introduction of the players is warranted:
The Cast
Arthur – The brash, “jump into the fray with 0hp” type. Typically plays fighters and barbarians. Frequently shouts “Free Bird” in and out of game.
Davis – Bookish. Knows the rules backwards and forwards yet bends them to enhance his roleplaying ability. Enjoys playing bards and personally composing and reciting odes and epics in-game. Looks wistfully back to days of chivalrous tales in real life.
Ellyn – Sly and witty. Always (always) plays a rogue. Frequently uses innuendo so subtle it requires explanations (if we detect it at all, that is).
Eric – Mildly psychotic and entirely annoying. Plays arcane characters and uses powers primarily to play tricks on others. Think Black Mage from “8-Bit Theater” but with a stupid sense of humor replacing the murderous streak.
A final note: Parenthetical phrases are spoken (in undertones) while brackets describe actions undertaken. Text in braces (or whatever the heck these things “{}” are) pertain to personal notes. And now on with the show...
DM: All right folks, let’s start fine-tuning things.
Davis: Ah, Chapter 6... my favorite chapter...
DM: Right, well...
Arthur: I be JimBob the Fighter.
Davis: I... am Sir Armondiryn Silinius C’cabr’ti of the House of Regal Lions, trusted knight of the Shining Order of Khêzel-Daram, hated enemy of the Dark Knights of Khûzdul, secret bearer of the Mark of Death, and nephew to the great King Boranel.
Eric: Weasel-Killer is my name.
Ellyn: Lara Croft.
DM: *sigh* Are you certain those are the names you want?
All players: Yes.
DM: Dead certain?
Arthur: Yep.
Ellyn: Mm-hm.
Eric: Righty-o.
Davis: No action of mortal men shall deter me from this path.
DM: Okay... [Stands up and walks out of the room.]
All players:
DM: [Nonchalantly walks back in minutes later with a portable stereo, and places it on the table. DM begins pacing lightly in front of the gaming table.] Allow me, friends, to regale you with the tale of the DM who went mad. Once upon a time, there was a strapping young lad by the name of Bill {not the name of our DM}. Now Bill’s life was just peachy in nearly every respect. Nearly, that is. You see, one day he tragically fell victim to the most dreaded of all summer maladies: ennui. Indeed, he became so weary of his daily routine (consisting almost entirely of watching television and occasionally congregating with friends at his house) that he came to his father for advice. “Father, dear,” he said, “the tragedy of tragedies has befallen me! This summer holiday of mine no longer brings me pleasure originally foreseen whilst undertaking my scholarly duties! Tell me, wizened one, is there anything of which you are knowledgeable that would cure me of this, this horrid curse, this magnificent affliction?” Now, young William’s father said, “Yes, son, I indeed know of a remedy to your problem.” Bill was thus introduced to the magnificent pastime of his fathers and his father’s elder brothers before him: Dungeons and Dragons. Young William consumed his father’s aged tomes with remarkable speed, digesting their materials and concepts and desiring ever more. Driven to become ever more knowledgeable of this wondrous game, he pooled the sum of his resources towards compiling a veritable library of the latest sourcebooks and accessories. Bill even convinced his friends to join him to become his first gaming group. Young William was content. His friends, however, were an eclectic mix. [Begins lightly tossing around his bag of dice.] Their antics were oh, so taxing and required a great deal of patience on Bill’s part to contend with. Some took things far too seriously while others took the other extreme. Some carefully thought things out while others yet still redefined stupidity with their characters’ actions. Over time, these quirks took their toll on poor William’s mind. One day, he finally snapped, and force-fed them their own dice, [briefly stops juggling dice] killing each and every one. Now, of course, young William obviously carried some deep-seated problems to begin with, as no rational person would give in to temptation that quickly. However... everyone has their own breaking point... [Suddenly stops pacing and sharply turns to face the group.] This reminds me... I have a bit of an issue with the lot of you...
All players: [Stare surprised/confusedly.]
DM: What’re your characters’ height and weight figures? You never gave them.
All players: [Tension removed.]
Ellyn: That’s it? What was the point of telling us that story?
DM: I just had it fresh in mind. I wanted to tell it before I forgot.
Ellyn: Well, come on! What’s the point of all this, then, really? This ate up five whole minutes of game time here! And what’s with the boombox? Why the hell did you bring it in here if –
[Out of nowhere, a man in a “Scream” costume bursts out of the closet behind most of the players, brandishing a chef’s knife {actually sharp and gleaming}. The man lands within arm’s reach of Arthur, Ellyn, and Eric, who cringe, eyes wide, as the man raises the knife in a slashing position. Davis, sitting on the other side of the table, scrambles as far away as possible, shrieking wildly. The man stops briefly in the slashing pose as the DM casually hits ‘play’ on the stereo. Upbeat swing tune blasts out. Man in “Scream” outfit lowers knife and jumps beside the DM, facing the still-horrified group. DM and costumed man begin bending knees in sync to rhythm. DM begins singing a la “Jump, Jive, ‘An Wail”. DM and man dance and spring about Roarin’ ‘20’s style throughout.]
DM: Fellas, fellas, I’ve given you quite a scare!
Fellas, fellas, I’ve given you quite a scare!
Now put aside your fright,
And take a listen, now, to my tale!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
DM: Gettin’ quite tired of your competition, ne’er fail!
Gettin’ quite tired of your competition, ne’er fail!
You’re drivin’ me crazy,
Soon I’m gonna start to wail!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
DM: You keep screwin’ with your names and I’ll make your lives a living hell!
You keep screwin’ with your names and I’ll make your lives a living hell!
I’ll send you a-hoppin’,
You’ll get your head in a pail!
Oh... you gotta
DM & man: Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
Take a listen and you
Stop your fightin’!
And you listen well!
[Music flourishes, changes to a droning, wistful tune. Both harmonize as “Age of Aquarius.”]
DM & man: Inconsistent...
Inconsistent!...
Inconsistent...
[Music flourishes once more, culminating in the pair kneeling on the ground, shaking “jazz hands” in a showman-like style.]
All players:
Needless to say, the process of getting them to change their names was quite simple after this ordeal. I, having the only living character left over from the last string of adventures, was sitting in the corner watching and waiting (unaware of the DM’s plans). The performance was strenuously planned and choreographed by our fine, if somewhat twisted, Dungeon Master weeks in advance he later told us. Through most of the song and dance number, I was on the floor, literally rolling with laughter while my fellow players were staring on, entirely aghast. I, for one, have a new respect for my DM.
It is only fitting that the secondary cast be recognized at this point:
Cast, cont’d
Dungeon Master – A quiet fellow who requested his name not be mentioned (he’s paranoid like that). Normally represses “fist of death” moments inward. I now know what he does with those.
Man – The DM’s older brother. A cur in general who only signed on to this so he could see two things: everyone’s faces when he jumped out of the closet with a knife and their expressions when the same figure started dancing about. Plans to become an actor.
How do I remember these events so clearly and so detailed, you ask? Two reasons: it was an incredibly funny scene and the DM records all of our sessions for “personal reasons” (again, the paranoia thing).
"Like that does anything" - a vampire fighter
Famous last words when anything flamable is involved. :D
We had a dwarf Cleric with us who decided he would knock on the door lets just say he was no good to us after that has he spent the whole fight trying to get the door off of him
By the way the bloke who had no leg was the same bloke that was under the door.
PC1: "We have come to steal from a dragon's hoard!"
Dragons: *offended gasp*
Fortunately, one of the more competant PCs managed to talk their way out of being eaten.
Anyway, the Drow Bard (She was named Alqualonde, but my younger sister and I kept forgetting and kept calling her Al,) got wiped out by a warrior skeleton (We were only level one), and we were debating what we should do with her. We eventually stuffed her in a nearby coffin and hoped for the best. Later, my younger sister and I kept chanting at her,
"We stuck Crigg in a coffin, we stuck Crigg in a coffin!" Eventually she got her own back when my fighter got knocked off his pins and had to spend a week in a coffin to recuperate.
Also, when we had finished the adventure (It was in a tiny shepherd's village) my older sister gave the following farewell:
"May your sheep live long and grow a lot of wool!" The innkeeper flew into a fit of rage and told her that, in the local dialect, she had just delivered the worst insult ever. The druid (my younger sister) glossed it over and we came through okay.
"it's okay my disable device mod is +15"
I rolled a 1, so I got a 5
luckily my reflex save was in the 30's (+13 against traps)
Gah, your dm is evil. Using the -10 if you roll a one house rule on skill checks or an automatic failure on a one on skill checks is grounds for...
...what was the term again?
...oh yeah. Your dm needs to be shot. In the foot. With a hammer.
And, i shouldnt waste everyones time by not giving a funny line, so...
Somehow, our party managed to walk into a bar in which every single patron already there was an assasin bent on killing us. The fact that they were low level didnt matter much, as they all had poisonous weapons. Aside from ending up like that scene in the matrix, our wizard descovered that turning into a Hydra is not recommended unless your on the first floor. In this case, the building was on a pier, over a river. And our wizard, having used polymorph to turn into a hydra, realized that buildings just dont hold that much weight. Needless to say, the gaping hole he left in the floor indirectly killed more assasins in one turn than any epic spell i've ever heard of. And his words when he realized what happened?
..."Cannonball!!!"
sigh, I wish I had something better to offer. Maybe next time.
Me: "And if you have a power with the word 'ray' in its name... DON'T USE IT!"
She was stuck using Swarm of Crystals all evening!
Meanwhile, my warforged artificer was using an Arrow Catching shield to defend his friends from the pirate archers. The ship's captain was being hard-pressed, so I moved to protect him too as the boarders closed in. The captain fired his crossbow past me at a boarder.
DM: "What was the effect of that shield again?"
Me: *irritated--it's been the focus of my activity all evening* "It makes any arrows aimed at someone within 5' aim at me instea--OH HELL!"
DM: :evillaugh
Thankfully, he rolled a 7.
(She was named Alqualonde, but my younger sister and I kept forgetting and kept calling her Al,)
Hehe, good name.
At least, it beats our psion, who named his character after Harley Quinn, from Batman......"Cannonball!!!"
Heh! I want that spell! But seriously, hydras have a swim speed, and 10' reach with their necks.. wouldn't you just have a bunch of heads poking up through the hole? Which would, in itself, be pretty awesome!
Me: I just realized something about druids.
Player: What?
Me: They are goths crossed with hippies.
Player: Explain.
Me: They're loners, wear leather a lot, and are total tree huggers with no real jobs.
Player: Holy **** you're right.
cale: :screaming out on the top of his lungs: I'M INNOCENT, I DID NOTHING WRONG! COME ONE DONT ANYONE BELIEVE ME! :jumping up and down n the chair he was tied down on:
:gaurd finally rushing inside and backhanded cale: shut up! why wont you just keep silent..i dont want to hear another peep from you! do i make myself clear!
cale nods. just as the gaurd turns to walk away he hears cale makes a "peep" sound.
:gaurd turns around and backhands cale again and pulls his sword otuu and points it to his chest: i swear! one more smart a** remark from you i will kill you myself!
cale: um....duh!
gaurd: :headexplo That's a smart a** remark!
cale: no...that was a dumb remark!
gaurd:
:hoppingma THAT WAS A SMART A** REMARK!!!!!!Thief: "Benny! Good to have you back.
Al/Crigg: Ooc: Benny?
I had to improvise on an already spur-of-the-moment improvisation and say that the thief meant Benara. This struck my sisters as funny for some reason.
Grimloch:
Later during a break.
Grimloch: Are you gonna tell me what that wierd feeling was?
Dm(me): Uh. I forgot.
Grim: :rolleye2:
Me: A Kobold jumps out in front of you.
PC's: OMG!
Me: Remember, the door is locked.
PC's:
Me:
:fight!:PC (barbarian): I go into total defence.
*everyone does the same*
Me: The Kobold charges forward and attacks you ferociously with its dagger!
PC's: God save us!
Me:The Kobold attacks... crit! :P
PC's:...
Me:It deals 2 damage!
Barbarian:...it s*** holy ****, I'm dead!
Me: Kobold Powah!
This is how a 1/4 CR Kobold killed a group of level 7's. :D You had to be there, to see their faces when I said,
"Oh yeah, that Kobold was just like this one right here." *pulls out monster manual*
He walked away from his allies, who were fighting their way through a palace which had been besieged and since conquered. The moment he stepped outside, he came face to face with an army of the same people they were fighting in the palace. He'd just stepped right into the DM's next plot, and he was alone and badly injured (he'd taken one hit all day - an insane critical which took away almost all of his health).
Player (6:40:9 am): With that, he steps outside.
Player (6:40:32 am): Immediately upon doing so, he limps slightly, ensuring that his bloodied halberd is clearly visible.
Player (6:40:47 am): He takes a few steps, and calls out to the army. "Hail!"
The DM (6:41:17 am): The Southern soldiers continue marching, though they make no attack on the man.
Player (6:41:45 am): "My name is Imrhiod Kiaan, Southern general. I was separated from my men about a week ago."
The DM (6:41:57 am): Their commanding officer, present at the back on a mount, gives a hand gesture, and the troupe stops to hear Imrhiod out.
Player (6:41:58 am): "I travelled here and helped take part in the Slayerborne offensive."
The DM (6:42:4 am): You recognize their commanding officer as lower rank than you were - lieutenant.
Player (6:42:10 am): He nods curtly to the commander.
Player (6:42:30 am): "Lieutenant, the Emperor and a number of survivors have made their way through a secret exit out of the palace."
Player (6:42:33 am): "They blocked their way."
Player (6:42:57 am): "The Slayerborne are searching the palace for any other survivors. Your forces should disperse around the city and search for the Emperor."
Player (6:43:12 am): "No more than twenty in each division should be needed - there are not many, and they are injured. Eight at the most."
The DM (6:44:30 am): (Give me a.. Bluff check. With a +6 circumstance bonus.)
Player (6:44:48 am): Player rolled 1 20-sided die: 20
The DM (6:44:51 am): : )
Player (6:44:54 am): (Hah.)
The DM (6:45:4 am): The soldiers look at one another, and then to the lieutenant confusedly.
The DM (6:45:17 am): All are silent, until at last their officer salutes.
The DM (6:45:25 am): "Sir yes sir!"
Player (6:45:34 am): Imrhiod nods curtly.
The DM (6:45:35 am): With that, the entire regimend salutes.
Player (6:46:5 am): Imrhiod salutes in return.
The DM (6:46:6 am): And makes their departure.
The DM (6:46:11 am): Imrhiod, no longer even a general,
The DM (6:46:18 am): Has just successfully bull****ted a small army.
Player (6:46:21 am): Waiting until they are out of sight, he turns and walks back into the palace to face the Southerners.
The DM (6:46:29 am): And probably saved many lives doing so.
That was such fun. Needless to say I had no ranks in "Bluff" whatsoever, this was my first session with this character, and anything but a 20 would have resulted in my character being slaughtered immediately.
Oh, incidentally, after we'd finished in the party we hunted down these groups of twenty and took them out easily.
Okay, so it's not exactly a "line", but I liked it.
The Cast:
Rusty Shackleford - Raptorian Warlock
Squirms "The Original Party Slug" - Half-Elf Scout
"Towlie" (Actually a misspelling of an actualy elvish nickname) - Halfling Rogue/Fighter/Whisper Knife
So, you can already tell these guys aren't the brightest, but anyway...
They are crawling through a werewolf filled barrow mound when they come to a more elaborate portion of the dungeon. There is a long hallway with three pendulums swining back and forth. The party rogue drinks a potion of spider climb and moves up to the ceiling to disarm the traps. He tries the first one and fails terribly, so I tell him that it is jammed and he won't be able to disarm it. He moves to the next and fails, but no so badly. At this point, he decides to give up on disarming them. Instead the party spider climbs/flies past them. They are now in front of a door and on the ground before them in a strange rune. After some particularly bad skill checks, they stand bewildered before the rune. Finally, the scout speacks up: "I pass through the door." I make him roll a Will and a Fortitude save; he dies instantly to a Phantasmal Killer trap.
After a Kobold Sorceror that almost killed them and ended up locking the door to this room, another Kobold comes.
Me: A Kobold jumps out in front of you.
PC's: OMG!
Me: Remember, the door is locked.
PC's:
Me:
PC (barbarian): I go into total defence.
*everyone does the same*
Me: The Kobold charges forward and attacks you ferociously with its dagger!
PC's: God save us!
Me:The Kobold attacks... crit! :P
PC's:...
Me:It deals 2 damage!
Barbarian:...it s*** holy ****, I'm dead!
Me: Kobold Powah!
This is how a 1/4 CR Kobold killed a group of level 7's. :D You had to be there, to see their faces when I said,
"Oh yeah, that Kobold was just like this one right here." *pulls out monster manual*
That's ridiculous. You did something wrong. A 7nth level wizard can melee a CR 1/4 kobold. And how was the barbarian going total defense at -8 health?
The characters had just finished fighting a BBEG when they all pass out. They come to in a Great hall with stairs about 15 yards infront of them. to the right at the top of the satirs is a balcony.
Batman begins score playing in the back ground.
DM(Me): Upon the balcony you see a Human Male, in his 30's, dressed in a black cloak white shirt and black paints. His hair is Black and slicked back coming to just above his shoulders. His skin is very pale. (Music Building) "Welcome Mighty Adventurers ....." Welcome to my Home......" (Music builds more, As the music climaxes) "Welcome....to castel Ravenloft."
Killian: OH
YEAH !Grimloch:
Thanatos: Uhhh.....
Havalin:
Me: lets knock it down
half orc: K
me: 12
half orc: 17
DM: it shatters
me: GIRL POWER
group:
:OMG! So, the party gets into the mayor's house, wherein he was sleeping. And they make it to his room. The spellfire-wielding PC stands in front of the door. Hence the following (though not verbatim):
Paladin: Mr. Mayor, we're friends. We saw a few of your guards dead, and came to see if you were okay.
Mayor, while opening door: Wha...?
Spellfire wielder: *blasts*
Me: Paladin, you're now Lawful Neutral. *laughing*
That's ridiculous. You did something wrong. A 7nth level wizard can melee a CR 1/4 kobold. And how was the barbarian going total defense at -8 health?
No, actually the barbarian rolled a 1.
Kobold rolled a 20.
Barbarian was actually unconcious, just said he died. Sorry for non-clarification.
I swear, that was the quirkiest game I had ever been in.
The last campaign I ran, I had a group of players who set fire to a town that doubled as the evil mastermind's base of operations in that region. This fire was a diversion so that the party could get to the mayor, whom they thought was in on the slave operation in that area. Well, one PC was a paladin--LG as is usual--and another was either a monk or a fighter with spellfire--yes, spellfire.
So, the party gets into the mayor's house, wherein he was sleeping. And they make it to his room. The spellfire-wielding PC stands in front of the door. Hence the following (though not verbatim):
Paladin: Mr. Mayor, we're friends. We saw a few of your guards dead, and came to see if you were okay.
Mayor, while opening door: Wha...?
Spellfire wielder: *blasts*
Me: Paladin, you're now Lawful Neutral. *laughing*
I fail to see how the actions of another player could make the Paladin fall in alignment. Thus, I fail to see the humour in the above post.
No, actually the barbarian rolled a 1.
Kobold rolled a 20.
Barbarian was actually unconcious, just said he died. Sorry for non-clarification.
I swear, that was the quirkiest game I had ever been in.
alright, i get it. The clarification helped. Still, how did the entire party fall before him? Was the barb the only one left?
Currently my role-playing group is playing Werewolf:The Apocolypse.This little incident happened a few weeks ago:
We're in the abandoned house in the country that the BBEG is holed up in.Now this turned into one wild fight.It first started in the yard outside the house.Denir,a metis,was thrown like a frisbee and lost her gun somewhere in the bushes.While she's recovering the brawl moves into the house.After somehow setting the house on fire,we all end up fighting a Black Spiral Dancer in the basement.Some blows are exchanged when we realize the house is about to collapse.Needless to say,we got the heck out of there.We get out just as the house collapses.So Denir wanders off to find her gun in the bushes while the other three characters wait for her.
Torn:
....oh,crap.Tara(my character) & Jesse:
What's wrong?Torn:Remember the grenades I was carrying around?
Tara:*getting a really bad feeling*Yeees.
Torn:Well,I set them down while we were fighting the Black Spiral Dancer and I kinda left them in the...
BOOOOMMM!!!!
Torn:...basement.
Tara and Jesse: :OMG!
Denir:*comes ambling back and dosen't notice the scorch-mark that used to be a house* Hey guys,what did I miss?
And now...the event that made one of my favorite characters, go from Rogue/Wizard, to Arcane Trickster. And mortalized as, "The Rogue Mage"
-----------
DM: You are all now standing on trial in front of the high priest of St. Cuthbert, the inquisitor states the following.
Inquisitor: Each of you has committed a crime against this fair nation, city, it's people, and have committed atrocities in St. Cuthbert's sight! And that's not all!!! YOU! (points at Barbarian) YOU HAVE INCITED MANY ACTS OF RIOTING AND CAROUSING! (note: Carousing was illegal in the country) YOU! (points at Paladin) YOU HAVE WAGED WAR AGAINST THIS NATION'S GLORIOUS LEADER!!! (who was a blackguard in service to Hextor at that) YOU! (points at cleric of Pelor) ARE AN ACCOMPLICE OF THESE TWO VILE BREAKERS OF THIS NATION'S FAIR LAW!
DM: oddly the Inquisitor stops rambling for a bit as he glares at the rogue of your group.
Inquisitor: You...are the worst of all... Your crimes are the stuff of nightmares to all decent folk and just ways! YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION UPON LIFE AND DECENCY!!! VANDALISM, BANDITRY, SPYING, PIRACY, ABDUCTION, ILLEGAL USE OF MAGICAL ENERGIES, LOITERING, RESISTING ARREST, and worst of all.... tax evasion. WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY FOR YOUR HERECY?
Rogue: ....Well...for starters... You forgot about one of my most... Debonair crimes.
Inquisitor: And what would that be?
Rogue: Possession of secret documents.
Inquisitor: What secret documents?
Rogue: The one's you didn't take from my pocket of course!!!
Inquisitor: *looks and sees that indeed, a piece of paper is indeed sticking from the Rogue's pocket. He rips it away and stands next to the High Priest*
High Priest: Read the document for the court.
Inquisitor: Certainly....
Rogue: *makes motion for the barbarian, paladin, and cleric to slink down*
Inquisitor: Today I Prepared Explosive Ru-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The Rogue escapes from his bonds, helps his pals out of theirs, a bloody battle in the court ensues, and as our heros escapes...
Rogue: I always like good evocative poetry!
So, they decided to make some sandwhiches.
Eventually, the party tanks manage to kill the zombie...
Bard: So, I guess it's time to go back and hating each other.
Rogue: Yeah, I guess so. Still, it was good to get to know each other.
Bard: Yes it was.
(Pause)
Bard: Shorty.
Rogue: Drama queen.
When applying for a prestige class, one usually must meet all the prerequisites listed under said class' description. Occasionally a DM may add some other sort of requirement....Such as a trial.
And now...the event that made one of my favorite characters, go from Rogue/Wizard, to Arcane Trickster. And mortalized as, "The Rogue Mage"
-----------
DM: You are all now standing on trial in front of the high priest of St. Cuthbert, the inquisitor states the following.
Inquisitor: Each of you has committed a crime against this fair nation, city, it's people, and have committed atrocities in St. Cuthbert's sight! And that's not all!!! YOU! (points at Barbarian) YOU HAVE INCITED MANY ACTS OF RIOTING AND CAROUSING! (note: Carousing was illegal in the country) YOU! (points at Paladin) YOU HAVE WAGED WAR AGAINST THIS NATION'S GLORIOUS LEADER!!! (who was a blackguard in service to Hextor at that) YOU! (points at cleric of Pelor) ARE AN ACCOMPLICE OF THESE TWO VILE BREAKERS OF THIS NATION'S FAIR LAW!
DM: oddly the Inquisitor stops rambling for a bit as he glares at the rogue of your group.
Inquisitor: You...are the worst of all... Your crimes are the stuff of nightmares to all decent folk and just ways! YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION UPON LIFE AND DECENCY!!! VANDALISM, BANDITRY, SPYING, PIRACY, ABDUCTION, ILLEGAL USE OF MAGICAL ENERGIES, LOITERING, RESISTING ARREST, and worst of all.... tax evasion. WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY FOR YOUR HERECY?
Rogue: ....Well...for starters... You forgot about one of my most... Debonair crimes.
Inquisitor: And what would that be?
Rogue: Possession of secret documents.
Inquisitor: What secret documents?
Rogue: The one's you didn't take from my pocket of course!!!
Inquisitor: *looks and sees that indeed, a piece of paper is indeed sticking from the Rogue's pocket. He rips it away and stands next to the High Priest*
High Priest: Read the document for the court.
Inquisitor: Certainly....
Rogue: *makes motion for the barbarian, paladin, and cleric to slink down*
Inquisitor: Today I Prepared Explosive Ru-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The Rogue escapes from his bonds, helps his pals out of theirs, a bloody battle in the court ensues, and as our heros escapes...
Rogue: I always like good evocative poetry!
:heehee
Fighter: " About 6 enemies, if we fight 'em smart, we can win."
Spellthief: " ..? Alright, I'm back chums, lets do this, LEEERRROOOOYY JEEEKKIIIINNNSSS!"
*really happened*
What's that from? I hear that a lot, but have never been able to peg it.
What's that from? I hear that a lot, but have never been able to peg it.
It was orrigionally something that happened on WoW.
Harmony: "What did you do to Brian?"
Johnny: "He got up and spooked me! I shot him twice in the face."
Harmony: "You shot him twice in the face!?"
Johnny: "I was trying for three actually."
Later on when we were ready to take on the said witch:
Joeseph: "Okay, get ready. We may be taking someone alive."
Moroni: "If that happens it would be an accident."
PC1: I take my crossbow and shoot through the hole
Me: Okay. *rolls secretly* You get the arrow through the door.
PC2: Do we hear any hells?
Me: You only hear a squelching noise.
PC3: Uh-oh..
PC2: Is it a geltanius- I mean a gelenitus- a gelantism- a gelet thingy?
Me: You don't know. *in my evil grin*
PC3: Okay, I have greater invisibility cast on me so I don't open the door and they can't push me into the door.
PC1: So why are we worried about geletenous cubes?
Me: Say it right, for once.
PC2: You don't know Joe's cube.
Me: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
PC1: Okay, I open the door.
PC2: I bet it's a black ooze
PC3: bet you 100 gold it's a geletanous cube
Me: You said it right!
PC1: I think the floor's iffy bet you 200.
PC2: How about 500?
Me: Okay, you open the door and you see a goblin on the ground, with a bolt protruding from its eye. You guys owe me 1.5k gold!
PC's:
" The clarification helped. Still, how did the entire party fall before him? Was the barb the only one left?"
They thought it was really powerful and ran... into the pit trap. *sighs* It was the stupidest thing they could have done.
1) the party's warlock (male CG elf samurai/ronin/warlock) unleashes his eldritch blast at the Burning King, only to see the eternally burning death knight -like demigod lazely raise his hand and block the incoming eldritch blast with no difficulty.
Burning King: Against whom do you think you are fighting? This is an insult to my power!
2) the party's swashbuckler (female CN gnome swashbuckler/duelist) is engaged in a deadly battle for her life with the terrible, over 10 foot-tall Burning King. The axe of the King - composed of pure void,capable of extinguishing all life - is blocked by the swashbuckler's magic rapier of epic magical powers and the Burning King lowers his face - nothing more than a blackened skull set ablaze - in front of the gnome and smiles evilly.
Burning King: You're off of the edge of the map, little one - here there be monsters!
3) the final one came when the party was near death - all of them - but had managed to kill the Burning King and send his taint back to the darkness of his father. Then the Dark God himself appeared to collect his son's soul. The evil god walked to the corpse of his slain son and within his dark hood, a loathing and mocking sneer could be heard.
Dark God: You were weak and useless - to be slain by mortals? Mortals brought to this world by sheer madness of accident and blind luck? Mortals who couldn't stop themselves from falling into arguments with each other? Mortals who accidentally summoned my essence back to the world?
You are even more pitiful than your sister Corruption and brother Domination when they were slain.
Aust: Well I've had enough of this, I'm just going to set myself on fire and die
Majus: But you could just take on some sharks and be fine!
Aust: Yeah but I'll bet that Pixie will show up afterwards (I'd previously told him that he was going to be killed by an epic level evil Pixie (Yes, that one) and he'd been on edge the entire session)
Me: But if you go down there, you can either harvest the meat and please Morganth or die trying and not give me the pleasure of using my Pixie later.
Aust: Good point, I jump in and prick my finger to attract sharks by the blood
Me: 3 Large Sharks soon appear after the scent of your blood, eager to feast on the 'wounded' animal
Aust: @!#£$SF$!!!
Me: :D
Aust: I should have gone with the Pixie....
Situation: The Elf (Cha 6) is being an arse to my Orc (Cha 8) and Gara doesn't like that.
Me - Why are you being so mean? I have been raised very openmindedly about other races.
PC2 - I just don't like Orcs.
Me - Why are you judging my appearance and race? My mother always told me to look at the inner person, not their appearance.
PC2 - So your mother was ugly too then?
Gara, being an Barbarian never learned to read. As the various clues about the magical artifact-pieces we are looking for become clearer, Gara is feeling more and more left behind since she can't read. So she decides to learn this by taking over pieces of text on cloth with charcoal (sp?) and try to remember (which is hard for her) what the various pieces of text say.
During such an enterprise, Gara makes the mistake of taking over a trapped text. As she takes over the text, she gets hit by many shocking grasp spells.
Gara - *looking back at her party* Is that tingling feeling always part of writing?
"Greetings Sir Thunderhammer" *Vahne nodded in acknowledgement* "Shall I take off my Gear for you now.."
PC: That's always a good sign!
We were in the sewers, and in a reservoir there were about 20-30 Shocker Lizards. I had fireballed about half of them, but the others went underwater so we couldnt really get to them anymore.
Then our flying warlock decided to fly above said reservoir, and he killed about 2 more.
Warlock: "I think they're all dead guys"
Me(OOC): This wont end well.....
DM: The shocker lizards shock you for, 24 damage (He made the save :P)
He died 1 turn later :P
The moral of this story: Never say "I think we got them all", the results are ugly.
Me: CN Half-Elf Fighter
PC1 - CN Elf Rogue
PC2 - NG Human Cleric
Now, our rogue takes the word kleptomania to a new level. This is proof that crime doesn't pay. We had just finished killing some wererat monks.
PC1 - I examine the altar, whats on it?
DM - Various offerings of food...
PC1 - Is there anything of value?
Me: Here we go again...I keep an eye on the rogue.
DM - There are some gold pieces
PC1 - I take them
DM - Make a will save
PC1 -
umm...okay...*rolls lowDM - you are on the ground convulsing.
Me:Come on, lets go help him
PC2 - Okay, can I burn the altar?(Our cleric is something of a zealot. I have to repeatedly tell him in no uncertain terms that he is NOT purifying the temple)
Me: NO!
DM: The rogue stops convulsing but he is now a wererat hybrid because he offended the wererat god.
Party:
As it turned out, this is something of an advantage for our rogue with a stupidly high DEX score. The only bad points are the alignment shift and the tendency to go berserk when he gets hit. After he went nuts on me I told him this.
Me: If you ever pull a stunt like that again, I won't hesitate to kill you. I have absolutely no problems with that because you're dangerous. Cleric, keep smite evil primed.
Ever since then, I've kept a close eye on our friend. He's terrified of my half-elf, mainly because he kills anything that moves.
DM: You all wake up.
PC: That's always a good sign!
Sounds like:
"You all wake up."
"That's a good sign."
-- Zach (DM) / Erich
Comments:
It is!
http://www.geocities.com/whoisceres2/dndquotes.html
Sounds like:
http://www.geocities.com/whoisceres2/dndquotes.html
It's entirely possible that the PC was quoting that and I didn't realize it. :embarrass
commoner: we dont like ur kind round here!!
paladin: another drink barkeep
commoner: (grabbing nearby stool) i said, we dont want your here (swings)
Dm: (rolling dice)
me: i let it hit me
dm:
o.k... he hits you (rolls damage) he does 3 damage.me: i have damage reduction 5/magic
dm:oh ya
(in game)
the chair explodes to peaces upon impact
paladin: (raising hand) another ale!
barkeep: uh... sir... you realize that man is trying to kill you, right???
paladin: yes, i know.
(another stool bashes to peaces)
but he'll run out of stools before i run out of damage reduction
another good one, i have a 9 lvl troll fighter, and we have just defeated one of those aomeba like shape changers, and captured it, it chose the form of a human male, for conversations sake. the interogation goes like this
parties rogue: alright, who do you work for?
thing: i'll never tell
rogue
intimidate check fails)thing:hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
this goes on for about 5 minutes when
Troll: i smash it with my fist
dm: you smash it into an acordian
me:
realy?dm: ya
troll: picks and starts playing it
thing: OH GOD PLEASE STOP, ILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!
troll: thubby(his name) good at squishing.
realy funny one, i have a 1/2 demon paladin(yes, i realize the irony), and he's sitting at the bar when a commoner walks up
commoner: we dont like ur kind round here!!
paladin: another drink barkeep
commoner: (grabbing nearby stool) i said, we dont want your here (swings)
Dm: (rolling dice)
me: i let it hit me
dm:
me: i have damage reduction 5/magic
dm:oh ya
(in game)
the chair explodes to peaces upon impact
paladin: (raising hand) another ale!
barkeep: uh... sir... you realize that man is trying to kill you, right???
paladin: yes, i know.
(another stool bashes to peaces)
but he'll run out of stools before i run out of damage reduction
another good one, i have a 9 lvl troll fighter, and we have just defeated one of those aomeba like shape changers, and captured it, it chose the form of a human male, for conversations sake. the interogation goes like this
parties rogue: alright, who do you work for?
thing: i'll never tell
rogue
thing:hahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
this goes on for about 5 minutes when
Troll: i smash it with my fist
dm: you smash it into an acordian
me:
dm: ya
troll: picks and starts playing it
thing: OH GOD PLEASE STOP, ILL DO ANYTHING!!!!!
troll: thubby(his name) good at squishing.
LOL
:pile: :invasion: :heehee :heehee I have not laughed this much in a long time*The bard begins to sing and strum a tune that sounds strangely like an Earth Christmas song*
"Slashing through our foes
With a good two-handed blade
Over the corpses we go
And through the gore we wade.
Mace on helmets ring
Making bodies fly
What fun it is to sing out slayinng song
and watch these suckers DIE!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
don't let them get away!
We're brave and bold for fame gold
We'll make a lot to day!
Oh, ring their bells with swords and spells
don't let them get away!
We'll hack and slash and blast and trash
And blow these dudes away!"
ROFL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DM: "Okay, you're a 12th level puppy now. You get a +1 to all your saves."
Friend: "12th level puppy? What class is that?"
Vincent: "Oh its in the latest WotC book, Kittenomicon."
Friend:
Vincent: "And now I have points to put into my basket weaving skill!"
Olivia: "Put it into Underwater Basket weaving!"
DM: "No, that's a cross-class skill."
Friend:
Mira: "You know, there's a reason he doesn't join our games..."
During down time I was assisting my players in leveling up their characters. A friend of the group was watching, but he doesn't actively join in our RPGs. This is why.
DM: "Okay, you're a 12th level puppy now. You get a +1 to all your saves."
Friend: "12th level puppy? What class is that?"
Vincent: "Oh its in the latest WotC book, Kittenomicon."
Friend:
Vincent: "And now I have points to put into my basket weaving skill!"
Olivia: "Put it into Underwater Basket weaving!"
DM: "No, that's a cross-class skill."
Friend:
Mira: "You know, there's a reason he doesn't join our games..."
"Have no fear, Retribution is here!"
Paladin: I cut them down.
DM: They are shackled with a threaded bolt you can unscrew.
Paladin: OK, I unscrew them.
Me: Only a paladin would figure out how to unscrew a damsel in distress.
PC: Hooray. Now I can defeat the evil cleric and save my hometown thanks to this giant, novelty matchstick.
NECROOOONAAAAAUUUUUTTTTTTTT!!!! To the rescue!!!
Three 18's (sigh).
Anyway about an hour went by and he wasn't really paying any attention and his girlfriend called. He quickly declared he was leaving. Didn't really give it much of an oppurtunity.
We resolved this in game.
DM(me): Your druid see's a pigeon approach with a note attached.
Druid: I read it.
DM: You unroll the parchment and it states
"Chhhooooooooooooooooooopschhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!"
That would be the sound of a whip cracking.
He never played again.
Three 18's (sigh).
Me (DM): Roll a fort save.
PC 1 (Lv.1 Githzerai Bard): um...7 work?
Me:...you feel different somehow....
The story was he got polymorphed into a nymph. Well, about 1 ring of water walking later, we scraped together enough gp to buy a remove curse. Needless to say, he was frightened of the party sorceror for the rest of the campaign.
Fighter: cast cure!
Rogue: wow you have taken tons of damage why aren't you dead
Healer:-sigh- god probally likes him
Me(DM)
looking up from DMG on EXP for that encounter) .....wait no I don'tyeah I loved that
The party was looking at a rough hand-drawn map of the base we were spending the winter and were clarifying what everything was. He pointed out a section and indicated it was a parapet to which we asked for a translation. After a short explaniation we moved on to the next unknown object; "The hole in the ground that you get water from." On top of that he even got the use of parapet wrong it actually was a wall-walk.
A
to anyone who guesses what it is they think I mean, and of course they're wrong DM:...(looking at the rest of the party) Do you go with him?
Shadowdancer and Order of the Bow: NO!
Fighter: I'm hurt, heal me!
Shadowdancer: (grumbling, heals him with almost a full wand of cure light, and the fighter starts to walk away) Hey, no 'thank you'?
Fighter: You're lucky I didn't kill you for using magic in my presence!
Shadowdancer: (Glares and passes a note to the DM. Fighter later dies "mysteriously" in his sleep)
Later, they fight and greviously wound a gnome who in the course of battle had frozen the Shadowdancer's shadow companion.
Shadowdancer: I castrate the gnome.
DM: Okay he's unconscious, so I'll consider that done...
Shadowdancer: (rolling dice) I use my taxidermy skill to convert her acquistion into a gem pouch (rolls a natural 20)
DM: .... You have a new, nice....(head in hands) gem sack.
Shadowdancer (to her int. 6 shadow companion, who is acting a scout) What do you see?
Shadow: Boxes and statues.
Shadowdancer: Boxes? what kind of statues?
Shadow: Long boxes. Ugly statues.
(They enter the room, facing two coffins and various statues of monsters and vampires)
Fighter: I want to open the coffins!
Shadowdancer: (ooc) What time is it?
DM: Nearing dusk
Shadowdancer (IC) Fine, but I'm locking the door first.
Fighter: Whatever.
Shadowdancer: From the outside.
Shadow: I see a skeleton in that room.
Shadowdancer: What kind of skeleton? A moving one?
Shadow: A poke to dust skeleton.
Order of the Bow: (After killing a slaad and having it explode all over her) That was...ew.
Cleric: (after a conversation between a nutty enchanter and the halfling shadowdancer) He did say it in plain common, but I wasn't paying attention as he was talking in kender.
(After discussing the magical spells one can put on an animal or object)
Order of the Bow: Ferret of invincibility!
Shadowdancer: (She shadow jumps shortly after having taken leadership as a feat, and jumps back with a half shadow-dragon druid cohort) Well...this is new.
Cleric (of Lathander): I am basking in the ray of DARKNESS!
Shadowdancer talking to brass dragons: I tell our story
DM: Make a diplomacy check
Shadowdancer: Uh...I mean, I perform the story!
DM: You only have dance.
Shadowdancer: Fine! I do an interpretive DANCE of the story! (rolls a natural 20).
DM: The goblin approaches you in a friendly manner and says that he comes to help.
HW: Sense motive (rolls success)
DM: You discover that he is telling the truth.
HW: I listen to his story
DM: The goblin tells you the way out of the lybranth and beggs you to take him with you because he was tortured by the ogres day and night and just wants to be free.
HW: Bluff check on escape route and intimidate (rolls success)
DM: Goblin cowers before you and beggs for compassion and kisses your feet.
HW: I look at him in disgust, kick him in the jaw and stab him in the face. (successfull rolls from flatfooted).
DM: *Stares at me and shakes head* The goblin is dead the party questions you.
HW: Oh, he was asking for fresh meat and wanted me for a personal companion since the rats were losing their thrill.
DM: They roll bluff checks (fail except for imp) Imp glares at you.
HW: I glare back at imp since I am the only one in the party that knows the guy is an imp in disguise.
DM: *shakes head* the imp says nothing.
HW: I tell the party that I feel a fresh breeze and points to the direction to freedom, telling the rogue to look for traps. But before I go I search goblin.
DM: You find nothing but fungus and stale bread and rat hair.
HW: I keep the hair for potential spell components and step on the goblin while catching up with the party.
DM: ooc, I still can't see how you can get around saying you arn't evil...
HW: *shrug* it's a balance...
DM: These wererats have had special training. They have multiple throwing knives, can dodge nearly anything, can hear you breathing and can create illusions of themselves.
Me: So basically they're ninjas?
DM: Yes
Me: Great, so this temple is full of Master Splinter wannabes.
Splinter being the rat teacher of the ninja turtles in case anyone didn't get it.
Also our new running joke -
Cleric: I cast summon ally.
DM: What do you summon?
Cleric: I summon...celestial giant bees.
Party:
Any time the cleric is trying to cast a spell we await the return of the bees or as our DM puts it THE TEAM!
Me: I now try to gather up as much grass I can to start a little fire.
DM: Okay, make a–
Me: Wait! Scratch that. “Ralin, do you know any fire spells?’
Sorcerer: “Why, yes, Davith, I do.”
Me: “Would you kindly turn that raw, headless boar into roasted pork?”
Sorcerer: “Why, I’d be delighted to.” I cast scorching ray on the boar.
DM: Make a ranged touch attack.
Sorcerer: 6?
Me: *sigh*
DM: It’s good.
Me: Yay.
DM: The boar bursts into flames as the ray strikes it.
Me: ...Okay... Maybe someone should put it out?
Cleric: I cast create water over the fire.
DM: It goes out, leaving behind... “Boar!: Charred on the outside, nice and well-done on the inside!”
Me: Mmm... Boar-y goodness. Let’s eat!
Following a short battle with a boar out on the plains surrounding Trolanport:
Me: I now try to gather up as much grass I can to start a little fire.
DM: Okay, make a–
Me: Wait! Scratch that. “Ralin, do you know any fire spells?’
Sorcerer: “Why, yes, Davith, I do.”
Me: “Would you kindly turn that raw, headless boar into roasted pork?”
Sorcerer: “Why, I’d be delighted to.” I cast scorching ray on the boar.
DM: Make a ranged touch attack.
Sorcerer: 6?
Me: *sigh*
DM: It’s good.
Me: Yay.
DM: The boar bursts into flames as the ray strikes it.
Me: ...Okay... Maybe someone should put it out?
Cleric: I cast create water over the fire.
DM: It goes out, leaving behind... “Boar!: Charred on the outside, nice and well-done on the inside!”
Me: Mmm... Boar-y goodness. Let’s eat!
You and your group deserves a
. Then again, so does every other person who's posted the good stuff here. Kittencaboodle doubly so for starting this big, bright ball of humor.One is a female warrior, very big, strong...But with a fragile heart. She is in love with one NPC who doesn´t even know she exists. Oh and she uses one big, flaming greatsword.
The other is a Moon Elf Druid(Yes we are playing forgotten realms) who is selfish, and doesn´t know about his past. He is very wise, but have lots of issues
And finally the third one is a silent and brutal Wood Elf ranger.
All the three have lost in a arena fight...Catherine, the female warrior was almost crying because of her defeat in the hands of Baneris.(In case you are wondering, yes, it is Baneris the Thayan Knight from the complete warrior. I love her soooo very much!)...The Moon elf seated beside her, and said, in a kind voice.
"You should not put yourself down. Even the strongest tree have a rotten root. If you take out that root, what happens?"
"The others last."
Said the quiet ranger.
DM:Okay,roll to see how well you sing.
Bard:Okay...20! With a +4...so 24
DM:Everyone in the bar stops what they're doing,entranced. They start to pelt you with gold as you finish your song.
Bard:...hic...OW!...hic...OW!...hic...OW!
Meanwhile my sorcerer,who is extremely greedy,decides to swipe some of the bard's gold.She succedes and slips out of the tavern.The bard realizes some of his gold is missing and,still drunk,stumbles after her.He confronts her about it and she decides to play innocent:
Bard: I know you stole my gold!
Sorcerer: My good sir,you must be drunk to be making such wild accusations!
Bard: Enough of your trickery,where's my gold?!
Sorcerer: Sir,I have no idea what you're talking about!
Bard: I said where's my gold?!
Sorcerer:*without missing a beat*Tell me sir...are you stupid as well as drunk?
Bard:I will...huh?
Rest of the Group:
DM:*to bard* 2 points of damage to your ego!
In the middle of dialog between myself and a decidedly more powerful old man, Nevac decides to stop my bluff mid-stride...
Harris: "As you can see, your townspeople need you to help them defend themselves from the evil horde...so if you just lets be on our way...
Old Man: "Why should I?! You could be one of them!"
Harris: "...sir, if you let us go, we'll help you and the townspeople..."
The DM won't budge an inch and I'm not willing to die on the first night of RPing...
I roll to see if I can somehow bluff the old man while I'm babbling on the fly
Me to the DM: "I'm rolling to see if he'll believe that we'll help him...we are helping him right Nevac?"
Nevac (interrupting): "...DON'T BLUFF THE TRUTH! BLUFF A LIE!"
The DM, myself, and Ace proceed to laugh ourselves sick... :D
enemy armies harrass the city, one of the BBEG's pet huge red dragons scorches the ramparts. My charachter: Dagon Silverhammer (LG dwarven fighter/cleric):
"I cast fly on myself and charge the dragon."
thank Dumathoin, dwarves taste like hell and have a lot of hit points.
D.
During a game of Shadowrun (sorry, no DnD stories, the DnD players were...well... not the nicest people in the world... the kind that gives the rest a bad name.) we had a bit of fun tormenting the GM. He had a habbit of making a big production whenever you asked for housedrinks at a bar. This partiuclar instance involved setting the excess alcohol on the bar on fire and mixing very viscous, nasty looking liquids contained under lock and key with heavy gloves and tongs. This required saves on our parts to make sure it didnt instantly knock us out. So, whenever there was a slight pause in conversation, me and Jay would scream (while totally smashed from a single shot of this stuff): "HOUSEDRINKS!!!"
This same game, before the housedrinks incident, we're getting settled into the bar, a very rough looking joint. This story involves me, Chris, and Ian. Im the party "face", and elf mage (and me with a poor grasp of the system @_@). Chris is a... Street Samurai, if I remember right, and Ian was... some sort of tech guru... a rigger I think.
Anyway, we're at the bar and Chris gets into a conversation with a guy about our mission. We've already had to deal with some authorities and I get worried that he could be an undercover cop. I promptly swat Chris upside the head (IC) and tell the guy to shove off.
Chris: What did you do that for.
Me: Youre way to loose lipped.
Chris: What? He was just chatting with me.
Me: Didnt it occur to you he could have been a
cop!?Chris: Youre a
cop!Next thing we know, EVERY patron of the bar and the bartender has guns trained on us with itchy trigger fingers.
Me: Oh
Ian walks inside the bar and in a rather cowboy manner, asks as to whats going on. His character constantly switched accents.
Bartender: Well, these two here used the... c-word. *fingers of the patrons tighten on the triggers*
Ian turns to me.
Ian: Boy, what did I tell you about talkin' about the female genetalia?
We all proceed to die laughing.
One more gem ^_^
I dont know what game the guys at the next table were playing, I forgot, and forgot the circumstances that prompted this, but here goes.
Player: What? God?
*Building shaking thunder clap*
GM *pointing to the sky*: Two Style Points for The Creator!
Player:Me, Var, Tonas
Me:Would it be possible to cast light on someones eyes?
Var: Probably, ya
Var: Hey Tonas remind me never to make him angry
Me: (to myself) :D
Spoon: Hi, I'm Timmy!
PC1: Hi.
PC2 walks in and steps on a carpet.
Carpet: Ow.
PC3: What does everything in here talk?
The Room in unison: YES!!!
PC1 ended up going on many comical adventures with Timmy, considering no matter what situation you're in a talking spoon lightens the mood.
Cleric: I cast summon ally.
DM: What do you summon?
Cleric: I summon...celestial giant bees.
Party:
Hmm... would you say that would scare the "bee-jesus" out of the enemy? :D
Hmm... would you say that would scare the "bee-jesus" out of the enemy? :D
One of the rogue PC's wanders into a room filled with loot. They're mundane things though, shoes, combs, hats. He walks over to the table and picks up a spoon.
Spoon: Hi, I'm Timmy!
PC1: Hi.
PC2 walks in and steps on a carpet.
Carpet: Ow.
PC3: What does everything in here talk?
The Room in unison: YES!!!
PC1 ended up going on many comical adventures with Timmy, considering no matter what situation you're in a talking spoon lightens the mood.
Interesting. No matter who I have dm'ing, i've always ended up with an item like that. A talking seashell, and later, a talking ice pick. The ice pick was OCD.
Interesting. No matter who I have dm'ing, i've always ended up with an item like that. A talking seashell, and later, a talking ice pick. The ice pick was OCD.
Heehee, "PICK ME!"
Bard: CRAP! Natural 1.
DM: Um... roll a d20.
Bard: EEK! Another 1.
DM: The bard steps into a human-sized bear trap and takes *starts rolling dice*
Somone in party: Wait, hes a halfling, he wouldnt be hit by it, would he?
DM: Ah that right, ok... he jumps INTO the bear trap... and gets his head chopped off
Should note that we use some odd house rules for critical failures, which can be a bit more severe than normal rules, but doesnt happen too often. The bard, interestingly enough, has saved the party's ass over several different campaigns, in at least one situation or another.
PC1: Psion (druggie personality)
PC2: Absent minded inventor
Ok, setting: Evil Wizards tower, torture chamber
DM: You wake up to the feeling of something piercing your skin. Its not a needle, so you look to see a rat with a patch of dark fur around its left eye biting you (We had run into that same rat several times before, it spying on us)
PC1: Aww man, I'm going to get rabies, aren't I?
PC2: Of course not, you think rabies would survive in your blood stream?
---------Later----------------
Setting: On a pirate galley
Me: Ok, so we have pirates, a Ninja, an animal-person (we have a Minotaur in the party, but were thinking Cat-girl or Monkey-boy) a couple of Wizards, a stoner, and the Holy Grail (a major artifact we had been chasing after). All we need now are the Nazis and love interest.
DM: Well, you don't know who's piloting that battleship coming towards you, and remember that seal-girl earlier?
PC1: We’re set!
Everyone became a certain person who was coming to a ball at an estate. One guy became a Chanslor, another his knight, a few were rich folks, i became the head gardner of the estate, and the wise cracking guy became the "wife" of a man Nicknamed "The Hammer"...who then goes and give the guy now his wife a sedeous wink...
So as the ball is underway, a footman announces everyone who goes to the party...being only the gardner, i'm not there and thus bored. The footman announced the arrivals:
Footman:
Supreme Chanslor and his wife
Knight, Sir Gabrial
Noble Angelous
Nicolie "The Hammer" and his wife...
Me:
"The Hammered"
Needless to say, everyone had a big laugh except for him.
Walking up to a wizard/merchant called borro.
PC : good morrow Borro. :embarrass
(DM : Kudos to Yudos)
DM: Suddenly, your pet snake lashes out from around your midriff and latches on to the Celestial's face.
PC: Wait, he's still wrapped around my waist, right?
DM: Yea...why?
PC: ....
DM: Oh, wow.
The player who was running the lead fighter was disarming some enemy troops. When asked what he took away from them he said all of his weapons, and his shield, and then began to state his intentions about taking the man's armor as well. He was trying to say "I jack the dude's armor" at basically the same time he was thinking "I take off his armor," and it ended up as:
"I jack off the guy from his armor." He didn't make out the second half of the sentence, immediately upon him saying "I jack off the guy" all 6 of the rest of us burst into laughter and completely drowned out the rest. The delivery was perfect, we were laughing for a good ten minutes from that, with fits of laughter erupting randomly down the line.
Psion: I don't think those Dire Rats were sterile.
Changeling Warlock
Dwarf Fighter
Halfling Rogue (with a certian affinity to the combustables)
Half-Elf Warmage
Human Monk
The Dwarf Fighter always carried the Halfling in his pack, since dwarves are carrying a medium load with 300 pounds, it doesn't hamper their speed, etc. The halfling weighed 40 pounds. Nyways, we were in an Eberron campaign and were supposed to go to Sharn. We fell into a dungeon (damn pit trap) and have to fight our way out. We met up with a good drow
who agreed to be our guide. I was the Warlock. We were all about level 3 when we entered this room and engaged in battle with a Warforged. DM: The Warforged makes a sunder attack at the bag
Halfling (OOC): Holy ****, I'm in there!
Halfling (In Character): I jump out of the bag and shout at the Warforged, "Merry Christmas Bi
!" Us:
:bounce::pile:cookie:We laughed for about ten minutes.
*****************************************
Me: I turn into a woman and say cooingly, "Don't shoot." While fingering with the hem of my robe. (Remember, I'm a changeling)
DM: They shoot you.
Me: Okay, it's on now! I didn't mean that quite the way it sounded.
*****************************************
DM: Okay, for this campaign, since you all like picking up eyeballs so much, eyeballs make an ingredient to potions that increases their effectiveness.
*****************************************
Halfling: I throw pints of oil at the campfire
DM:...
They die.Me: Here, have a pint to drink.
It was so late in the night that the above was funny. Pretty sad.
In our group's first full-fledged 3e game, my brother was playing a half-orc barbarian named Ragnarrok, or, as the rest of us, particularly my elven rogue, preferred, "Rags." We were doing your basic dungeon crawl when we came across several montrous spiders of of the small and medium varieties. During the ensuing battle, an enraged Rags critically missed a swing and threw his greataxe into the wall, 20 ft behind him. Being as rational as a raging barbarian can be, he decided not to recover his weapon, but to simply smash the remaining bugs with his body; he leaped into the air, and slammed his entire 7-ft., 300+lb. frame on a tiny little (small) spider. Thus was born the immortal move, the Orcish Belly-Flop.
In another campaign, my brother once again found himself creating humor. I'll spare you the details, but it involves his character, human cleric of Kord, the prankster half-elven druid, lots of alcohol, a stable, a horse, some manure, and a very drunk cleric mistaking a horse's rear for a prostitute. :D
Finally, in my first game as a DM, the party's rogue decides to go shopping in a small village's general stores. First, he uses his newly acquired hat of disguise to change into (quoting the player) "Sean Connery meets Indiana Jones," and proceeds to hop over the counter and swipe as much as he can while the shopkeep is in the back, looking for an item for the party's druid, who just looks on in amazement (not knowing who this guy really is). Then, at nighttime, he breaks into another store, bringing with him two Bags of Holding Type I; he proceeds to go through the storeroom, shelf by shelf, shoving everything he can into the Bags, and more into his regular sacks. To cap it all off, the next day, he goes out into the main square, where a large caravanm has just pulled in to do some trading, takes out a barrel, empties his ill-gotten goods into it, and, using his hat of disguise, sets up shop as Akbar, the Friendly Merchant.
When applying for a prestige class, one usually must meet all the prerequisites listed under said class' description. Occasionally a DM may add some other sort of requirement....Such as a trial.
And now...the event that made one of my favorite characters, go from Rogue/Wizard, to Arcane Trickster. And mortalized as, "The Rogue Mage"
-----------
DM: You are all now standing on trial in front of the high priest of St. Cuthbert, the inquisitor states the following.
Inquisitor: Each of you has committed a crime against this fair nation, city, it's people, and have committed atrocities in St. Cuthbert's sight! And that's not all!!! YOU! (points at Barbarian) YOU HAVE INCITED MANY ACTS OF RIOTING AND CAROUSING! (note: Carousing was illegal in the country) YOU! (points at Paladin) YOU HAVE WAGED WAR AGAINST THIS NATION'S GLORIOUS LEADER!!! (who was a blackguard in service to Hextor at that) YOU! (points at cleric of Pelor) ARE AN ACCOMPLICE OF THESE TWO VILE BREAKERS OF THIS NATION'S FAIR LAW!
DM: oddly the Inquisitor stops rambling for a bit as he glares at the rogue of your group.
Inquisitor: You...are the worst of all... Your crimes are the stuff of nightmares to all decent folk and just ways! YOU ARE AN ABOMINATION UPON LIFE AND DECENCY!!! VANDALISM, BANDITRY, SPYING, PIRACY, ABDUCTION, ILLEGAL USE OF MAGICAL ENERGIES, LOITERING, RESISTING ARREST, and worst of all.... tax evasion. WHAT HAVE YOU TO SAY FOR YOUR HERECY?
Rogue: ....Well...for starters... You forgot about one of my most... Debonair crimes.
Inquisitor: And what would that be?
Rogue: Possession of secret documents.
Inquisitor: What secret documents?
Rogue: The one's you didn't take from my pocket of course!!!
Inquisitor: *looks and sees that indeed, a piece of paper is indeed sticking from the Rogue's pocket. He rips it away and stands next to the High Priest*
High Priest: Read the document for the court.
Inquisitor: Certainly....
Rogue: *makes motion for the barbarian, paladin, and cleric to slink down*
Inquisitor: Today I Prepared Explosive Ru-
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!
The Rogue escapes from his bonds, helps his pals out of theirs, a bloody battle in the court ensues, and as our heros escapes...
Rogue: I always like good evocative poetry!
That is truly awesome.
Me: "Okay, his character is a half-elf lady and she had a half-elf baby with an anthropomorphic black wolf?"
Co-DM: "Uh... huh? Wouldn't the baby be part wolf... or furry? Maybe at minimum "Ed Asner" hairy?"
Me: "Not according to the story. Pure half-elf. And yes I realize the irony in a Pure Half-elf."
Co-DM: "So much for genetics."
Me: "Well, this is D&D fantasy, but a half-elf with a wolf and she gets a half-elf baby? That's stretching it."
Co-DM: "Maybe when the baby was born he saw his father and threw up his daddy's DNA?"
Me: *LOL* "Given the father's background I can SO believe that..." :D
We ended up approving the background.
As I'm preparing to start up the adventure, one of the players hands me a print out of his character's latest background story. I read it in privacy with my co-DM because we had an issue with it:
Me: "Okay, his character is a half-elf lady and she had a half-elf baby with an anthropomorphic black wolf?"
Co-DM: "Uh... huh? Wouldn't the baby be part wolf... or furry? Maybe at minimum "Ed Asner" hairy?"
Me: "Not according to the story. Pure half-elf. And yes I realize the irony in a Pure Half-elf."
Co-DM: "So much for genetics."
Me: "Well, this is D&D fantasy, but a half-elf with a wolf and she gets a half-elf baby? That's stretching it."
Co-DM: "Maybe when the baby was born he saw his father and threw up his daddy's DNA?"
Me: *LOL* "Given the father's background I can SO believe that..." :D
We ended up approving the background.
Perhaps being an Andromorphic Black Wolf is a purely inferior state to half-elfishness.
I doubt DNA analysis is so advanced that you could sample that...Perhaps being an Andromorphic Black Wolf is a purely inferior state to half-elfishness.
Well, actually....
At any rate, I think Elves are typically composed of Dominant traits, hence the Half-Elf being a template as opposed to a base with everyone else being the Half-Template. A metaphor perhaps of the Elven genes being higher than those of the base creature (You can't have a Half-Elf Elf for example). Well, I'm rambling, but essentially: yup, probably
Of course, such a thing would never be easy with...THE ROGUE MAGE!
Note: In the Beastlands, a petitioner takes the form of an animal that most clearly defines the petitioner's personality.
Priest of Moradin: Laddie, we can bring you back from the dead! Without being lowered in power no less!!!
Rogue-Mage: Now why would I want that?
Priest:...what?
Rogue-Mage: LOOK AT ME!!! I'm here in paradise!
Priest: Yeah...about that... Shouldn't you be in a paradise filled with pansy elves and sipping fine wine?
Rogue-Mage: Not really.
Priest: BUT YER A FULL-BLOODED ELF!!!
Rogue-Mage: Did I ever tell you about the time I first died and was re-incarnated into an elf? I was a half-elf before then.
Priest: Aye but still!!! What's with all the trees and wild beasts?
Rogue-Mage: Well I didn't worship the regular elven deities.
Priest: Which one did you worship?
Rogue-Mage: Elhonna.
Priest: ....Let me get this straight. You, a city-half-elf, loves living in the city, makes a living in the city, and steals from people in the city, is a worshipper of Elhonna a goddess of NATURE!?
Rogue-Mage: You got it.
Priest: HOW AND WHEN DID YOU EVER WORSHIP HER!?
Rogue-Mage: Well, have you ever noticed how many new trees there's been in the city?
Priest: Now that you mention it...
Rogue-Mage: Or how I've been making sure not to take too much from the forest whenever we go adventuring, or that when I was making my wizardly tower of a home IN the forest I made sure to do it so it didn't disrupt nature terribly or-
Priest: OKAY I GET IT ALREADY!!! So do you want to be raised or not!?
Rogue-Mage: I don't know..... If I'm raised...will I still look like this?
Priest: You mean like a really dark-colored fox?
Rogue-Mage: Yeah! I'm guessing women will be clamouring about to try to pet me!
Priest: ....No. I don't think so.
Rogue-Mage: Oh well...it was worth a shot.
Afterwards, the Rogue-Mage was raised in his regular body.
Priest: If it's of any consolation, no sane woman would be in love with a fox.
Rogue-Mage: Who ever said I wanted a sane woman?
So the rogue-mage at some point in time dies from a perilous fall with a kyton. Later on the rest of the party tries to decide whether or not to raise their arcane trickster buddy, and after seeing he did have the funds to be brought back from the grave, they cast a few spells to see first if it was okay with my rogue-mage or not.
Of course, such a thing would never be easy with...THE ROGUE MAGE!
Note: In the Beastlands, a petitioner takes the form of an animal that most clearly defines the petitioner's personality.
Priest of Moradin: Laddie, we can bring you back from the dead! Without being lowered in power no less!!!
Rogue-Mage: Now why would I want that?
Priest:...what?
Rogue-Mage: LOOK AT ME!!! I'm here in paradise!
Priest: Yeah...about that... Shouldn't you be in a paradise filled with pansy elves and sipping fine wine?
Rogue-Mage: Not really.
Priest: BUT YER A FULL-BLOODED ELF!!!
Rogue-Mage: Did I ever tell you about the time I first died and was re-incarnated into an elf? I was a half-elf before then.
Priest: Aye but still!!! What's with all the trees and wild beasts?
Rogue-Mage: Well I didn't worship the regular elven deities.
Priest: Which one did you worship?
Rogue-Mage: Elhonna.
Priest: ....Let me get this straight. You, a city-half-elf, loves living in the city, makes a living in the city, and steals from people in the city, is a worshipper of Elhonna a goddess of NATURE!?
Rogue-Mage: You got it.
Priest: HOW AND WHEN DID YOU EVER WORSHIP HER!?
Rogue-Mage: Well, have you ever noticed how many new trees there's been in the city?
Priest: Now that you mention it...
Rogue-Mage: Or how I've been making sure not to take too much from the forest whenever we go adventuring, or that when I was making my wizardly tower of a home IN the forest I made sure to do it so it didn't disrupt nature terribly or-
Priest: OKAY I GET IT ALREADY!!! So do you want to be raised or not!?
Rogue-Mage: I don't know..... If I'm raised...will I still look like this?
Priest: You mean like a really dark-colored fox?
Rogue-Mage: Yeah! I'm guessing women will be clamouring about to try to pet me!
Priest: ....No. I don't think so.
Rogue-Mage: Oh well...it was worth a shot.
Afterwards, the Rogue-Mage was raised in his regular body.
Priest: If it's of any consolation, no sane woman would be in love with a fox.
Rogue-Mage: Who ever said I wanted a sane woman?
Riekel, you should make a page of his adventures and his quotes. These are brilliant.
I love the Evocative poetryit was one of those loud, cut and paste ones too
Please Quote Entire Posts!
My pleasure ;)
A metaphor perhaps of the Elven genes being higher than those of the base creature (You can't have a Half-Elf Elf for example).
Who knows. At any rate, I doubt the character will live long. The player isn't the brightest, having his other two characters killed by his own actions. The first from kidnapping the daughter of a famous war hero because he thought the father was bad at being a dad and the second for threatening a red dragon adult with blackmail should the dragon attempt to come after the character.
We figure he won't be breaking precident any time soon. :D
fighter 4 1/2
cleric 5
While killing all the things in the adventure they run into the BBEG and find out its...a spider
Wiz: Stand back all!! I will cast Enlarge on my boot! then this creatures dead :D
Fighter: give the boot to me. I have a higher STR score!
Cleric(sees that they are doing something magical): umm guys i think we should
BOOOOOOOM
lightning zaps allaround and a portal opens. A huge creature steps out.
Party: OH F***
Then after about 30 min of killing this thing they make it go down. but forgot about the spider
Wiz: thank..um our cleric's god that we lived :embarrass
fighter: I think my armor got melded to my skin o.o
Wiz: what a min were is cleric?? and the spider??
DM(me): okay you feel something come up behind you and it bites of your head (rolling two 20s :D)
Wiz: X_X my head! I need that!!
we laughed for about 10 minutes :P Oh and the cleric go took out back and beat the crap out of by a Drow wizard.
Elven, sounds like a really funny story, but it was a little confusing to read. I still don't know what 'Wiz: thank..um are clerics god that we lived ' means.
Replace are with our and clerics with cleric's and it makes much more sense.
Elven, sounds like a really funny story, but it was a little confusing to read. I still don't know what 'Wiz: thank..um are clerics god that we lived ' means.
'Wizard: thank..um our cleric's god that we lived' I think
Party contains (at this point) a rogue (Glinfaëwyn) and a sorcerer (Myesta). This is their first session, and they're in an inn. Glin decides to burgle Myesta's room while he's sleeping. She goes for the money bag under his pillow. He grapples her, thinking she's a dream gnome stealing his beer. They fall onto the ground in a grapple. The innkeep comes upstairs to make them quiet down.
Me: The innkeep komes in and sees a man and a woman on the floor.
Innkeep: *Heavy irish accent* Oh, sorry. *closes door
Myesta: (ooc)May I kill him?
Then there was the time that the group (now w/ a ranger & cleric) was captured by crazed Malarites, one of whom looked like Orlando Bloom, who Glin's player has a crush on.
Glin: I use escape artist to escape these ropes :rolls:
Me: You make it. Wanna go for your daggers, run, free the others?
Glin: I hug Legolas!
Everyone: :OMG!
Me: He knockes you out with his mace.
Glin: *little girl voice* Yay! I got to hug him and he knocked me out with a mace!
This has become a bit of a running gag.
Then, just last session, Achrin's (see my sig) fox animal compainion got in a nasty spot with some centepedes and was at 1hp. She begged her brother (played the cleric) to save her fox. He complied (after much theatrical thinking), then used a healing spell.
Achrin: (Ooc) Yay! you're my best friend!
Me: I thought So&so was?
Achrin: (ooc)*very seriously* There are friends, and then there are friends who save your fox.
That's all I can think of at the moment...
BTW, love your posts kitten!
The scene: Having acquired passage on a ship to the city the group is trying to reach, they are dismayed to find themselves stuck in a storm and having to seek shelter on a nearby island. The island seems to be quite dark and dismall, and the party have discovered that it is owned by a necromancer who specialises in disease and plagues.
DM: As you pass through the dying plants you see a large decaying house set on the clifftop, the damp wood of the building emits a foul stench that almost has you gagging. A single light reveals the presence of an occupant in the buildings main room. Under an awning to your right stands a donkey, covered in sores oozing a viscous pus. Evidently the poor creature has been used for the necromancers experiments.
Druid: Are you trying to tell us that the necromancer has a disease a$$?
DM:
Party: :D
Anyway, the party consisted of... well a lot of people. They had 2 fighters, 2 rangers, 2 rogues, 3 wizards, & 1 monk. Yeah, no clerics.
They were in the 2nd basement and so far did pretty well against my fiendish traps (I read a couple Grimtooth books the night before). The PCs now reach a large silver door at the end of the hallway. On the door is a small plaque reading: "Choose Your Death."The CN Rogue (Julie) giggled out a whisper to me: "Small fluffy pillows". A beautiful Ghostbusters moment ensues.
LE Fighter: "Whoa.. no one think of anything. Blank out your mind."
CN Wizard: "Yeah, should be easy for you, Mr. 8 INT."
LN Monk: "My mind is a venerable blank slate."
CG Rogue: "I don't think that's a proper usage of venerable-"
DM: "Your death has been chosen!"
LE Fighter: "Whoa, hold on now DM! No one said anything!"
CN Rogue: (Trying to bite back laughter) :D
DM: "Soemone made a choice. Your death is coming."
NG Ranger: "Hang on, I didn't choose anything. Kain, you choose anything? I know Allen didn't. Who chose our death?"
CN Rogue: (Cant... hold.. in... laughter...)
Party: "Julie!?"
CN Rogue: "I said Small Fluffy Pillows. How can you possibly be hurt with a fluffy pillow?" (Opens the door).
DM: "You hear a trap trigger when the door is opened. The wall at the opposite end of the hall opens and slowly crawling toward you is a giant wall of... er, fluffy pillow spikes."
CN Wizard: "What the f-?"
CG Rogue: "Okay Julie, now what?"
NG Ranger: "This is the part where we run into the room screaming like little girls fool!"
DM: "Reflex saves to get in the room as a pillow door comes crashing down to seal you all out." (Everyone but NG Ranger and CN Wizard make it).
CN Wizard: "Well, it's not so bad... I mean the pillows can't impale us."
NG Ranger: "I'm more worried of being suffocated to death."
CN Wizard: "... oh, yeah."
DM: "As the rest of you enter into the circular room, about 3 dozen pillows fall out of a small vent in the ceiling. At first they seem to twitch and then they open their gaping sharp-toothed maws at you. Roll initative."
NG Fighter: "Um... how do we handle this?"
CN Rogue: "Pillow fight!" (Grabs a pillow and beats another pillow creature with it).
DM: "As for you two outside, you get about three actions each before you start suffocating. The pillow door into the room is locked. What do you do?"
NG Ranger: "Let us in Let us in Let us in!"
CG Rogue: "Let us out let us out let us out!"
CN Wizard: "Wait, duh.. pillows are flamable. I Fireball the door!"
NG Ranger: "Oh gawd. Incomming!!"
Well the door was destroyed and the pillow creatures proved to be more bark then bite. They all managed to live through that encounter and vowed to kill me if I EVER did that kind of trap again. :D They were much happier fighting off the black dragon lich in the next room after. :P
Bbn: Does he have anything that looks valuable?
DM:
Well, he's got a really nice breastplate on, and a pouch.Bbn: I take the pouch.
Party:
This guy was Dominated, you know...Bbn: I know! I get aboard the lightning rail. What's in the pouch?
DM: It's full of silver. The train begins to move.
Bbn: Oh. I toss it back to the guy.
Party:
In an Eberron campaign, the party was faced by some vampire-dominated Orien guards trying to keep them from getting on the lightning rail that was leaving momentarily.
Why didn't they just wait for it to get back?
Okay, I have a few from my last level one/low magic campaign. The setup is long, but the lines are classic. I was an elf sorcerer (first time arcane caster after 5 years of playing), we had a dwarf ranger, a human monk, a halfling cleric and a gnome rogue. Now, havinging always been a rogue at heart, the gnome and I became fast friends IC. In fact, we became a duo of thieves, if you will.
It was the usual quest: prevent the goblin army from killing human army. In the beginning we were scouting and had to split into two groups at one point. The cleric, monk, and rogue went one way while I just went off with the ranger. We followed the tracks untill they led to a tree.
DM: You've come to the base of the tree.
Ranger OCC: I search for tracks. *Rolls high*
DM: The tracks end at the tree.
Ranger OCC: So the tracks lead up the tree?
DM: No.
Ranger OCC: But the goblin went up the tree?
DM: Yes.
Ranger OCC: But not the tracks.
DM: Right.
Ranger: Turgon(Me), looks like the tree ate the goblin.
Sorcerer: All the wooden and leather armor, gotta be high in fiber.
*at the same time, the rest of them are getting board*
Rogue OCC: *Rolls* I search for tracks, what do I find?
DM: Rabbit tracks.
Rogue OCC: Ohhhhh. IC: Guys, I'm going hunting for a pet.
Party: Okay...
DM: You come to a rabbit hole and see a little bunny stick its head out.
Rogue: Surprise! Thonk (With longspear, his only weapon) Cool, bunny-ka-bob.
DM: Okay, you'll need a fire to cook that.
Rogue OCC: No I don't.
DM: You'll eat it raw?
Rogue OCC: Who said anything about eating it? I'm going to leave it on y spear so when I sneak up on a gobbo, all he'll see is a rabbit hoppin along.
DM: ...Several feet in the air, attached to a pole.
Rogue OCC: What's more likely to create a surprise round: a gnome screaming die! or a rabbit flying through the air screaming die!
*later, back at human camp, DM occupied*
Rogue OCC, to me: Man, I still haven't stolen anything, go talk to the Captain for a minute.
Sorcerer OCC: Why?
Rogue OCC: You'll see.
*grabs model and begins to move it very slowly*
Rogue: Tick-tick-tick.
DM ignores
Rogue: Tick-tick-tick.
DM ignores
Rogue: Tick-tick-tick.
DM ignores
Rogue OCC: *Rolls dice* DM, roll spot check for the Captain.
DM: Why?
Rogue OCC: I just picked his pocket.
*DM rolls, gets very low*: Okay, since you did this without me even seeing, we'll roll for your treasure. You get...a knife...with a ruby pommel...worth 15,000 gp.
Rogue OCC: Sweet! What's in his other pocket?
*Tracking in forest with ranger again, I realized I had a signal whistle that I could use to alert the others*
DM: Spot/listen check you two. *Rolls* Okay, you both see a dozen plus goblins come out of the forest. Sorcerer, you have higher Init, go.
Sorcerer OCC: As a free action, I put the signal whistle to my lips and blow as hard as I can.
DM to rest of party: You hear a lound, shrill voice yelling "I need an adult, I need an adult".
Party:
Rogue OCC: Dude, I think you just got a magic **** whistle.
It took us 20 minutes until we stopped laughing, at which time the DM informed us the goblins were shaken a round thanks to my +1 **** Whistle of the Elves.
Rogue: Hey Cleric, lets go drinking.
Cleric: ...Duh.
Rogue OCC: We go to the armies mess hall. IC: Two of your strongest pints for us.
Cleric: Wait *does something magical* There we go.
Rogue: What did you do?
Cleric: Did something so we can drink a lot linger.
*Rogue and cleric proceed to get drunk*
DM: Roll a Fortitude save.
*roll rediculisly high*
DM: Okay, your not drunk.
*Rogue and cleric proceed to get more drunk*
DM: Roll a Fortitude save.
*roll rediculisly high*
DM: Okay, your not drunk.
*Rogue and cleric proceed to get more drunk*
DM: Roll a Fortitude save.
*roll rediculisly high*
DM: Okay, your not drunk.
...
Round Fifteen
*Rogue and cleric proceed to get more drunk*
DM: Roll a Fortitude save.
*roll rediculisly low*
DM: Okay, your so far beyond wasted, you have hit epic levels.
Cleric OCC: Are we going to get experience?
DM: No.
Rogue OCC: Okay then, I make myself throw up, how do I feel? *Rolls high*
DM: Much better, you can almost see only two of everything.
Sorcerer OCC, after watching all this: I use presdigiditation to create a devil and an angel on the shoulders of the Cleric. I then cause the figures to become animate.
Rogue OCC, liking the idea: I cast Ghost Sound in the Cleric's ears and Dancing Lights around his head.
*By now, everyone is laughing except for the DM and Cleric*
DM: Okay, Cleric, what do you do?
Cleric, in perfect game-character drunken slur: Everyone, I swear to drunk I'm not God.
Me: Your crushing blow causes the creature to writhe in pain and squirt a black treacle-like substance over your mace.
Dirk (Cleric): Can I eat it?
Well, he didn't end up eating it, but bottling it for later. They then become the captives of the Warden of the Insane, a nutso gnome who rides around on a hell hound in a Pippy Longstocking outfit & claims to serve the King of the Potato People.
(Yes, Red Dwarf reference) The bard devises a clever way out.Silvertooth (bard): (suggestion) I have here the greatest ale in all the world, but first you must let us go to drink it.
Warden: (Fails will) All right, you're free. Now give me the ale.
Silvertooth Ooc: I give him the treacle.
Party:
Well, he didn't end up eating it, but bottling it for later. They then become the captives of the Warden of the Insane, a nutso gnome who rides around on a hell hound in a Pippy Longstocking outfit & claims to serve the King of the Potato People.
You rolled a natural 20 on that DMing (Humorous) skill check.
Skill checks don't have criticals
Doesn't make it less of a natural 20.
Skill checks don't have criticals
exept when they do. The varient is in the DMs book
-----------
PS
Situation:Player has problem with other players looking at his character sheet, calling him by his class, and judging his equiment/skill choice. His main task is disguising the fact that he is a rogue
Player:"So im flanking him, thats +2 to my Attack roll,19?"
DM:"ok, hit"
Player:"so I deal, hmm 10 damage"
Player 2:"Wait, how did you do that much damage with a shortsword!?"
Player:"I hit him"
Player 2:"I know that, but a shortsword is only a d6?"
Player:"I hit him..."
Player2:"But..."
Player"I hit him HARD!!"
Vincent: "It should not sound like Yatzee when I'm rolling dice."
On rogues who don't pay attention to the DM's descriptions and assume everyone is a conversationalist:
Nagumo: "I talk to the Drow."
DM: "They're unconscious."
Vincent: "Then it should be a quick conversation."
exept when they do. The varient is in the DMs book
We aren't playing D&D, and I'm not playing variant life :D
Girl: You've been beaten by a girl! Ah ah I have 18 str
Me: Yeah but if you keep taking hormones you'll grow a mustache!
Girl: No because I got 18 charisma too
Other player: Yeah, a damn nice mustache
Girl :headexplo:
We had to stop the game for several minutes to stop laughing :D
It's a long time ago so I don't remember everybody's class. Anyway I was the fighter and there was another character who was a girl, but had 18 str. We came to a gate we could lift with a str check, so I tried, and failed. The girl tried, and succeeded. The conversation that followed was OOC but hey, was funny anyway
Girl: You've been beaten by a girl! Ah ah I have 18 str
Me: Yeah but if you keep taking hormones you'll grow a mustache!
Girl: No because I got 18 charisma too
Other player: Yeah, a damn nice mustache
Girl :headexplo:
We had to stop the game for several minutes to stop laughing :D
:D
Why didn't they just wait for it to get back?
In pursuit of said Vampire. He'd dominated the guards to slow us down.
Do not question the railroading! ;)
to roguemage - you've given me a new hope for Arcane Trickster, until only recently the least useful PrC.The Final Fantasy Campaign
The background of the campaign matters little - I liked FF6, so I put the party in the world of balance. All these require a lot of setup though.
A little outside South Figaro, the party encountered a tribe of kobold thieves. I rolled randomly - their leader had outfitted himself in a suit of medium size mundane fullplate.
Kobold Leader:*echoing from somewhere in the waddling chestplate* Bwaha, I am invincible!
The same battle, the Smite Cleric of Cuthbert (Cleric with a higher str than wis) decides to brave the Kobolds' traps and just run around the battlements. I flubbed halfway between "You get peppered with arrows" and "You get pecked with arrows" -
DM:You get peckered with arrows...
The party's about level 4, squaring off against I think it was a young adult blue dragon - the point is, tough, and at the end of a ridiculously long cave of unnecessarily random encounters (my first bout as DM). The Fighter and the Smitecleric have closed to melee, everyone's badly wounded.
Moogle Bard:Hell, I dunno, I cast blindness on him. No chance, he's a dragon, you'd have to roll a...
DM: *rolls a two* Okay, so, his turn, miss chance...nope, nothing, Fighter's turn...
Later that same game, they encounter the tower of a mad dwarven wizard. Unbeknownst to them (but knownst to me), I've trapped the front door so that any attempt to pick the lock, force the door, turn the handle, etc. summons an angry Butler's Forceful Hand to backhand them and pull the door closed. The party plans various strategies to bypass it...
Spastic Elf Dragoon:I go up and knock on the door.
Which was, of course, the only way to disarm it...
One of the more vile recurring villains was Ziegfried, promoted from comic relief background character to darkly mysterious master of a bloodthirsty thieves' guild. One of his imposters snuck attack the party in a long hallway. The rogue, a former servant of Ziegfried, had a magic item with various fire spells (much like a staff).
Rogue:I summon a wall of fire right where he is.
DM: *looking at the board* Alright, he shadowjumps back -
Rogue:No no no, (gesturing down the length of the hall) Lengthwise.
DM:...you hear a scream, followed by a few dull thuds. A few minutes later, the flames die down around a smoldering skeleton. Without his hat you notice the distinctive jaw of the Local Dry Good Salesman who ripped you off outside the Kobold camp...
Finally, after much veering from the main plot, they hunt down Ziegfried in his paranoid little lair and cut a bloody swath to his throne. After an epic confrontation speech from our Smitecleric and a good 5 rounds in he sics his monsters on them and has his rune guardians teleport him and the other rune guardian to safety. They defeat the monsters (Otyughs, something like that, incidental), Miracle to follow him only for him to sic his remaining Rune Guardian on them and shadowwalk out. They chase him, racing the setting sun to the western side of a mountain.
SmiteCleric: Wait a minute...he's here...but the only shadow close enough is...mine...
Ziefried:Ha! *7 sneak attacks...7 misses.* ...crap.
SmiteCleric: *gets next initiative* Just...die! *one hit kill*
Rogue: Awe, but I wanted the kill...*lights him on fire anyway*
If they ever read this, I'm sure they'll correct me. Details are lost on DMs who can't find their dice, much less the correct track for background music.
The Monster Game: Or, The Halfdragon Minotaur Wins
I don't get many good lines in, but I get a few. The same Smitecleric later played a Decataur Chaonid Ranger/Horizonwalker. The Rogue from earlier was the DM, and I was a Sword Archon Monk with the Vow of Poverty (dirty, but the DM wasn't giving us anything. Especially not after we complained the first treasure in the game was a 25k gift specifically to her husband's PC.)
We'd been charged with returning the balance to a plane entirely populated by Dragons, and found a bound and comatose adult blue dragon. Consulting our Drakestone guide, he informs us that while he must protect all dragons native to this plane, that doesn't mean he has to wake up and free them all.
Baby Gold Dragon:What do you think we should do?
Ranger:Kill it! It's evil!
Archon:No, that'd be dishonorable. Besides, we're not here to kill everything evil, just the evil that's shifting the balance.
Ranger:But I DON'T want to leave it BEHIND us!
Gold Dragon & Archon:Shhh! It's tied down, let's just get around the corner and forget about it, nature will take its course. He'll get loose eventually, or he won't, on his own.
Ranger:*grumble gripe* *waits until the other two round the corner* *Coup de grace*
Drakestone(DM):*turns on the party, eyes red* Murderers!
Gold:Dangit William (ranger), what'd you do?
Ranger:Hey, I'm a survivor!
DM:And you just dropped to Chaotic Evil.
I don't wanna hear about it, I know, she was using an alternate alignment system...
Archon:*counterattacks the Drakestone Golem as its reinforcements arrive* That's it, your decision-making priveleges have been revoked!
Earlier that same game, before all of our characters got butchered, I had a spider goblin (6 armed climb-speed, racial prof. with hand crossbows) rogue, who happened to be the only one who spoke goblin OR orc, and we met a Gnoll who only spoke gnoll and orc.
Party Leader:Tell him that if he wishes us no harm, we mean him none.
Goblin:He says you mess with us, IKillYou! *aims both puny crossbows at his face*
Gnoll:*Forcing a polite grin* Well, if you don't mean to do undue harm to myself or my forest, I'm not averse to letting you pass.
Goblin:He say if we mess with his forest, he'll make trouble. IKillHim?
Party Leader:No. Tell him his terms are equitable, but we'll be watching him.
Goblin:*skitters back up the wall a little, keeping the crossbows on him* He say stay in line, or I...GetToKillYou!
Fun little homocidal maniac. Eventually ran away, which was about the best you could hope for in that game. Inbetween the two I had an anthro Ravid (same deal but higher int, legs instead of a tail, and no fly speed. The fun part was being an unblinking glowy snake with one arm.) Cleric of Pelor, assigned by the church (and the DM) to post bail and serve as the new leader.
Halfdragon:Huh. About time. So who are you?
Ravid:You may call me leader.
Halfdragon:Feh. I've got seniority, I've been here longest. What's your name?
Leader:*erasing the top of my character sheet, dryly*You may call me leader.
Of course he died in the surprise round two sessions later, spider with a paralysis poison in a small cave that opened up into a big cave between sessions...
The Feist Game
Ultimately a doomed game - our DM tried hard, but between his penchant for storytelling (read: railroading), all-encompassing love of Elves, and neglecting to point out that they're the revered godly race in his world, the game was fairly doomed from the beginning. Most of the players were clever enough to see through his assurances to the contrary, playing (respectively) a high-elf ranger (I think) named Calmiron Nailo, a mudcaked wild-elf barbarian named Lorithen Stormfury who flew into a murderous rage at being called Laurie and constantly followed Calmiron (so it was the Calm before the Storm), and a pretty elven (or maybe half-elven) rogue named Willow played by the DM's younger sister. I had the misfortune of playing a scheming human bard with an exotic variant repeater crossbow (4 crossbows at 90 degree angles - no, it doesn't work) and a rapidly growing deathwish.
After leaving the first city in which we watched a cinema scene, we got to the elven city where we watched the Elves talk and ignore the Human's pedestrian perform-check-in-the-30s. Then we all got so drunk nobody could remember the next day.
Somehow the rogue and the barbarian find themselves in the same bed, by writ of giggling DM. And everyone else was awake and waiting for them.
Calmiron: Hey Fury? You ready to leave? We gotta head out early today!
Rogue: *slinks out the door and vanishes, leaving the rest of the party bewildered.*
Barbarian: *wanders out a few minutes later in a loincloth.*
Bard: *blanches at the injustice of it all* What...just...?
Barbarian: *laughs heartily* She had the Fury inside 'er!
Several sessions of Deus ex Machina later, we FINALLY enter our first honest-to-goodness combat, which is to say, a combat where we're not supposed to hold off a band of pesky halflings or wolves or halflings on wolves or humans or ocelots for three rounds until the Elven army comes to the rescue. And of course, it's hook horrors, three of them against our level...I don't remember, the point is we barely stood a chance.
DM: Okay, Bard's turn.
Bard: *turns over his spell sheet, sees the words "REVENGE: LAURIE" in big black letters with an arrow pointing to a L1 spell. Grins wickedly.* I step back thirty feet to the cave entrance and cast Ventriloquism on the middle one.
DM: Um, what does that do?
Bard:It lets me throw my voice. I have him say in elven, "We've never liked you Laurie."
Barbarian: I fly into a rage and charge them!
He survived the attacks of opportunity, but not the subsequent rend.
Other/Everywhere:
DM: Day Breaks-
Everyone: Crash!
DM: *sigh* I mean morning comes-
Everyone:
DM: *sigh* The sun rises...
After a looooong session with an ailing diplomancer player:
Diplomancer: Blah blah, give us back our stuff, we don't want to hurt you. But I say it better than that. *Rolls a 40ish*
An angry scotsman (7thSea/Swashbuckling Adventures) doing random damage to an evil church:
ScotsmanP:I got a good look at that guy who backhanded his wife earlier, right? Lazretti? I made a note of it from last time.
DM: Um, yeah, sure then.
ScotsmanP:Okay, so I put on a hat of disguise to look like him, and make my claymore look like a more appropriate longsword. Do I see any exposed support beams on the church?
DM: Hmm...yeah, it's one of those with the beams on the outside. (Flying buttresses, thrice-accursed art history class)
ScotsmanP:Okay then.
Scotsman: *makes a ridiculous steroid-face* Urrrrg! Ah'm Lazerrretti, aahnd ah haate soopoort beaaams! Urrrg grrrr grrraa! *chops at the beams, taking down the church in about a round and bluffing well enough that nobody questions it's Lazretti*
(You kinda had to be there...tense your entire lower jaw until your neck-veins stand out and fake an italian accent in a bad scottish accent, then do the "I'm gonna kill you!" office bit from Kids in the Hall, and you're halfway there.)
One of SmiteCleric's earlier characters (also a cleric, I think):
Cleric: I'm tired of playing it safe! I stick both hands into the chest and-
DM: Both hands?
Cleric: Yeah, both hands. Why?
And of course, http://www.wfrp.de/hosted/flw/en/flw0250.html
Original Post by Tyhm
Wow...thanks. The Arcane Trickster could however be a lot better...with 6 skill points per level instead of 4... le sigh.
The Rogue Mage has been through many campaigns (with the original one he was in, he still a lvl 7 rogue/2 wiz) and has succeeded in some others and failed in a few.
However... One particular game we played a near-epic game (read- advance all guinea pigs to 20th level) and in this game, we came across a rather nasty adamantine golem.
Not fun...normally..... However....
Fighter: IT WON'T GO DOWN!!!
Ranger: IT'S GOING DOWN ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!!!
Cleric: By the hammer of Moradin IT WILL BE HAMMERED!
Wizard: I think I'll be a buffing ye all since there's no bridge to disintegrate.
Rogue-mage: OKAY! Everyone, trust me! Get into melee with it and AID my attack!
Wizard:
but....what paltry magicks you have...won't work on it... and it has no vitals to attack...Rogue-mage: Trust me.
Fighter:
You're not even strong!Rogue-mage: Please?
Cleric: I'll trust ye laddie. Even if yer a strange elf.
Rogue-mage: thanks... I think.
During the course of the fight, everyone gets into melee (including the wizard who polymorphed into a hydra with the express purpose of putting the hurt on the golem) with the adamantine golem. Even the rogue-mage's ferret familiar is aiding the attack! By this time the golem has been brought down a few notches hp wise.
Risky? Yes.
Hope of success. Diminishing.
DM: Okay, it's the rogue's turn, then it'll be the adamantine's squishing time.
Rogue-Mage: I sac' a 7th level spell to perform a Razing Strike*. Full-attack.
DM:.....a ...oh...
OH! Yeah...you can do that... I forgot Rogue-Mage: Okay....*rolls* this is at +8 from the aiding, include the flanking +10, include base attack and we're in the twenties, dexterity and we're higher..... magic weapon...+33...add 7 more due to 7th level spell sac'ed. *rolls 19* cool... I hit?
DM: ...yeah.
Wizard: What's a Razing Strike?
Rogue-Mage: 1d6 from rapier....8d6 sneak attack from class levels...
Wizard: What the heck's a razing strike?
Cleric: *hands the wizard's player the Complete Adventurer, points at the Feat Razing Strike*
Wizard: HOLY
Rogue-Mage: add 7d6 from sac'ing of 7th level spell.... 16d6 plus five. (rolls 5's, 4's, and 6's)
DM: (adds up all the numbers) Okay... The rogue-mage tapped the adamantine golem in the back with the dinky rapier. There is now a hole an ogre can crawl through residing where the golem's tummy should be.
Rogue-Mage: So it's not dead?
DM: Not yet.......
YOU HAVE TWO ATTACKS LEFT!!!Rogue-Mage:
32 more d6 dice were rolled that day.
Arcane Tricksters + Razing Strike equals...
"Sayonara Mr. Roboto!" "We'd been charged with returning the balance to a plane entirely populated by Dragons, and found a bound and comatose adult blue dragon. Consulting our Drakestone guide, he informs us that while he must protect all dragons native to this plane, that doesn't mean he has to wake up and free them all.
Baby Gold Dragon:What do you think we should do?
Ranger:Kill it! It's evil!
Archon:No, that'd be dishonorable. Besides, we're not here to kill everything evil, just the evil that's shifting the balance.
Ranger:But I DON'T want to leave it BEHIND us!
Gold Dragon & Archon:Shhh! It's tied down, let's just get around the corner and forget about it, nature will take its course. He'll get loose eventually, or he won't, on his own.
Ranger:*grumble gripe* *waits until the other two round the corner* *Coup de grace*
Drakestone(DM):*turns on the party, eyes red* Murderers!
Gold:Dangit William (ranger), what'd you do?
Ranger:Hey, I'm a survivor!
DM:And you just dropped to Chaotic Evil.
I don't wanna hear about it, I know, she was using an alternate alignment system...
Archon:*counterattacks the Drakestone Golem as its reinforcements arrive* That's it, your decision-making priveleges have been revoked!
Surely: "I'm a servant of nature"! Can't believe he missed that one.
That is all.
DM: The guard heads for the door, the farmer following behind him. As he walks through the tavern, everyone - the bard, the card players, the drow, the lizardman cleric, the bartender, and his half-orc servants - they lean forward. A hush of anticipation falls, the room becoming very quiet. Tension is heavy in the air, and the only thing you can hear is the footsteps of the guard and the farmer... what do you do?
Me: I go to the bar to get a drink.
Moogle Bard:Hell, I dunno, I cast blindness on him. No chance, he's a dragon, you'd have to roll a...
DM: *rolls a two* Okay, so, his turn, miss chance...nope, nothing, Fighter's turn...
I love it when the players get lucky like this. :D
DM: Great, you begin to realize that having so many pocket dimensions in close proximity is a BAD idea.
Druid:
You are following the God of Planar Maintanence.Lich: Necrophilia makes the Zombie Jesus cry.
DM (me): Are you sure about this.
Rogue's player: Sure, as long as I roll above a two (2), I'm fine.
Sound of dice being rolled, player is where I can't quite make out the numbers. Silence from his area of the room.
DM: You rolled a one (1), didn't you?
Rogue's player: Yeah. . .
He took a little bit of subdual damage and we all laughed about it.
must... prevent... thread... death...
Dude, no one has posted in like a day. Calm down, you only annoyed people who were checking back.
Unknown Voice: Dont kill him!
Dwarf: give me three good reasons why
UV:I love him and... F**K YOU!
D: Thats two (swings)
(OOC Dwarf takes a Will in mid swing save due to hold person rolls LOW is held)
D: inside head Bloody good third reason
Achrin: Is this Hell Hound evil, may I ask?
Achrin (ooc): Heroes do not use weed whackers!
DM (me): Your fox is burned to a crisp.
Achrin: Does that mean he's dead?
Achrin: We're going to eat the dragon.
And our bard, Silvertooth, when a small flaw was discovered in his plan.
Silvertooth: Wait... Dragons have breath weapons, don't they?
Silvertooth also had fun when we released two prisoners (male) that hated one another's guts. He decided to use his Ventriloquism spell.
NPC 1 (Actually Silvertooth, throwing his voice): I really love you, you know that, gorgeous?
NPC 2: :OMG!
We were trying to teach two of my friends how to play D&D. This was probably about 8 years ago. It was pretty funny because they were having troubles with the game mechanics. In 2ed. Anyhow, the cast of characters consists of the unimaginative character names of Jack and Tom. Jack was a wizard and Tom was a fighter.
Me: You see a giant hill in front of you. From the top a pair of antennae protrude, and a furious huge ant bursts forth, charging at you.
Jack: All right, I cast magic missile....
before I could say anything he grabs the dice
... on Tom.
Needless to say Tom and Jack never played D&D together again.
Vincent: "Dang you, grey areas of morality!"
Niomi: "Hon, this is where fire comes in handy."
This one was particularly funny because one of the players tried to pray to their goddess in hopes of some guidance and I wasn't prepared yet:
Phone: "Thank you for calling Bast Tech Support. If you wish to give prayer, press 1. If you need divine intervention, press 2."
Minotaur: At the dining car, drinks with a Barbarian, and becomes a photo-op for some tourists.
Psion: Wanders around bugging people
Ninja: Gets hit on by a nun (Actualy a psion in disguise)
The funniest thing was when we get together to discuss what to do next
Ninja: Ok, so the minotaur found out where its hidden, I found out that there are lots of powerful people here after it, and I think one of them tried to bite me. (likely a Vampire)
Me: *Mind Trick* You want to take me to the prisoners. *Natural 1*
Guard: No I don't.
Me: *Diplomacy* I implore you to reconsider. *Natural 20*
Guard: *Sense Motive, natural 1* Hmmm, okay.
Setup: We've tracked down a blackguard and his band of thieves to his hideout. We're trying to decide how to get in when the druid says "You go that way. I'll go home."
I'm playing a tiefling paladin of slaughter. The current quest we're on is to kill a copper dragon and take its treasure.
Copper Dragon: Leave now, humans, or face my wrath.
Me: Human? Did I forget to wear my horns today?
Talking about paladins of slaughter after he's dead.
Me: "Regular paladins are great because they've got moral convictions."
PC: "Paladins of slaughter have convictions too."
Me: "The only thing they have is a strong urge to kill everything around them."
PC: "That's a conviction right there!"
Me: "That's not a conviction; it's a low wisdom score."
Out of character arguement about rogues and paladins.
Rogue: "Rogues are always better than paladins. They get all those skill points and evasion."
Paladin: "Paladins are better than rogues. They get proficiency with heavy armor and wicked saves to bonuses."
Rogue: "Well rogues do it from behind!" (Quoting Penny Arcade)
Paladin: "Yeah? Well paladins do it on horseback!"
DM: It comes back and hits you in the butt
Totemist: So it's the same rock that comes back and hits me
Cleric: No, theres a troll sitting in a corner tossing rocks at you
Me: (pops d20 in mouth) IT TASTES LIKE CHERRY!
My PC's just got into the latest dungeon and feather fell to the floor of the entrance following a wererat. As they finally realize there's a door in front of them, the Sorcerer walks up and goes...
Sorc.: I pull the door open
DM(Me):It's a push door
Everyone:
Later on, I had somehow forgotten that Lycanthropes had DR 10/Silver (
) so the PC's used silver pieces in slings to kill the first batch, and then I improvised and strapped silver arrows to the inside top of the chest in the room and put silver tonfa blades in there for our monk. Upon describing them...DM(Me):They deal damage like...
Cleric:...an angry Irish drunk :D
DM: Roll Reflex
Me: (Rolls) Natural 20
DM: Crap. Arrows shoot from all parts of the doorway, but they all somehow miss
Party: Whoa, how did you dodge that?
Me: (out of context) I dunno, but i play it off like nothing happened. Oh, and i peed my pants
Sorc.: I pull the door open
DM(Me):It's a push door
We had a situation like that once. About five strength checks later, the DM gave us wisdom checks to notice the hinges were on this side.
Bob the Barbarian never lived that one down. (And you can probably guess what kind of player Bob's was.)
Sorc.: I pull the door open
DM(Me):It's a push door
I too had something similar, sorry if I put this here already.
The group was running from the city guard after a failed jail break. One player ran into a shop, and went to find a back door.
DM(me): There is a back door.
Player 1: I open it and run out.
DM(me): It's locked.
Player 1: I bash it (roll low), oh ****!
Player 2: It's locked from the outside?
DM(me): I never said that.
Player 1: I unlock the door, open it and run out.
DM(me): Ok your out in the back ally. :D
Rogue-Mage: Hmm...love...tricky subject. Love is a treausure to be sure. And being the rapscallion I am means that at some point I should pursue it.
However, this specific treasure is tucked away in a chest with no lock nor hinges.
This treasure both as fragile as glass and yet can be paradoxally adamant.
This treasure can be stolen, but when done so there is no true reward. For when one steals another's heart, that heart ceases to have the same value as it did when it rightfully belonged to the bearer of that treasure in that sacred chest.
So how does one obtain this sparkling treasure? This precious jewel that drives many weak and strong at the same time? This magic that need no spell of voice or artifact of power to work it's charm?
I believe that maybe...just maybe... When one ceases the desire to acquire this treasure for themself, maybe one may know the joy and majesty of giving their own treasure, their own love, to another.
And so, it is not by looting, but in giving, that it just might be possible to obtain that illusive gift of love.
-And when asked if there was someone special in the Rogue-mage's life-
Rogue-Mage: SAINT'S AND PROXIE'S ARE YOU MAD!? DIDN'T YOU HEAR A WORD I SAID? TO OBTAIN LOVE MEANS GIVING IT AWAY! And as a greedy lil miser I am NOT ready to chain myself down to some possibility of gaining a treasure with a chest that'll run me down and keep me from doing good larceny!!!
Well to be honest that campaign was put on hiatus for now.
Not to mention that the two have yet to reconcile on any feelings for one-another.
You know, typical mushy-denial stuff.
Besides! Elves have DECADES to go before they think about settling down!
Or to put it another way...
Rogue-Mage: Just a hypothetical question, but what kind of a guy are you attracted to Azalie?
Azalie: The kind of beef-cake with approximately 500,000 gold coins in a hoard to make for a nice bed! Not to mention that would be really nice to get naked and swim in! Why do you ask?
Rogue-Mage: Oh...no reason. Just curiosity I guess... (takes out note-book and pens down -438,000 gp to go-) No reason at all.
The PCs were talking to a Great Wyrm Red Dragon. The PCs there were a kobold, a female human (pregnant) and a Goliath Druid (male)
The kobold just offended the dragon. The Dragon glared angrily
Kobold: I hide behind her (points at human)
Goliath (OoG): Why?
Kobold: Because she's pregnant.
Human (OoG): slaps kobold PC upside the head
DM: Thank you
(Overactive pally)
sorceror OOC: Holy crap what IS Lidda doing with her other hand on page 145?
DM: WOAH Illegal
Fighter: Well technically she only LOOKS like a child shes an adult
DM: Do I smell franchise in the pr0n department?
Entire group: AARGH SHUT UP
Sorceror: Its a caster thing
wow, thats wierd, i never noticed that before, what book is it from
Dm: roll sense motive
Me: *rolls a nat 20* Cat sense...tingling...
Player 2: It's locked from the outside?
DM(me): I never said that.
Player 1: I unlock the door, open it and run out.
DM(me): Ok your out in the back ally. :D
I had a moment backfire in the opposite direction. I had created a trap on this entrance door to a tower and had set a contingency spell that it would open itself if knocked upon in earnest. Otherwise the players would have to disable this trap to get in.
Well I was describing the tower to the PCs...
DM: "...You only see a single window on the top floor. Now, there is a door here on ground level but-"
PC: "I knock on the door to see if anyone's home."
DM: "...nevermind, you are let in."
Later on the PC expressed that he felt bad that he accidently solved the puzzle before I even began describing it, but I told him it was okay. It amused me.
Rogue-Mage: 1d6 from rapier....8d6 sneak attack from class levels...
... snip...
Rogue-Mage: add 7d6 from sac'ing of 7th level spell.... 16d6 plus five. (rolls 5's, 4's, and 6's)
DM: (adds up all the numbers) Okay... The rogue-mage tapped the adamantine golem...
How was the Rogue-Mage doing sneak attack damage to a Construct?
Hint: it's a Feat.
A prostitute walks up to Ront. She's got a few marks from a few diseases all of which Ront notices.
Prostitue: "Hey, big boy want a fun time?"
Ront:"Sorry, I'm not welcome on public property."
Prostitute, promptly kicks Ront in the nuts and walks away.
DAMN DM!
Now looking back, I guess that if I could, I should have included pictures of the wizard player's face when he saw what a Razing Strike is. It was one of those 'you had to be there' moments.
I should try to stop posting those...yes, I really should.
wow, thats wierd, i never noticed that before, what book is it from
Player's Handbook. But it's later, like p167. Lidda savors the rewards after disarming a trap - it's not explicit, but it might be implicit. Back to the humor!
Joe: Okay, so as long as you don't roll a one-
Everyone else: DUDE! Never say that, that's like begging him to roll a one!
Joe: Well sorry, I didn't know!
Everyone else: Just don't say it!
Joe: Okay, geeze! Please don't roll a one or everyone's gonna jump me-
Everyone else: YOU DID IT AGAIN!
Joe: How does begging him not to roll a one jinx him?
Everyone else: It just DOES!
Shawn: Can you just stop talking about it an' let me roll? *1*
Everyone else: *jumps over the table to attack Joe*
Some things just aren't done...
Companion: Wow, that was wonderful! What was the song about?
Gnome: It's about the gnome who invented the toothed gear.
Player's Handbook. But it's later, like p167. Lidda savors the rewards after disarming a trap - it's not explicit, but it might be implicit. Back to the humor!
It could be something of a 'Haley Starshine' thing, since she's just recently lost the ability of comprehensible speech after her entire hoard was destroyed
Indeed Klytus, you just need to look a bit further into that post to find how the rogue-mage did it.
Now looking back, I guess that if I could, I should have included pictures of the wizard player's face when he saw what a Razing Strike is. It was one of those 'you had to be there' moments.
I should try to stop posting those...yes, I really should.
Whoops. Sorry - I forgot that Razing Strike had effects beyond simply converting spell-power into damage.
an elf monk (me)
a human rogue
a human barbarian
So my party was trying to save a town from a band of halfling marauders when we were all knocked out and captured. We awake in the town jail heavily bound in chains and guarded by a sleeping halfing.
Me: (OOC) I use my escape artist skill to get out of the chains!
DM: You actually took escape artst?!
Me: Yup! I maxed it out, see? *shows DM char sheet*
DM: OK, roll your checks...
So my monk successfully ecapes his chains and manacles on his legs and feet without waking the guard. Next, I used the escape artist skill to try and squeeze out the barred window.
Me: Uh oh. I rolled a one.
DM: OK, your monk makes it most of the way out the window, but his head is stuck. You can't get out by yourself.
So there my monk is, head stuck in the bars. So my rogue and barbarian friend, fully bound, decide they can help me by giving my monk a headbut to force his head the rest of the way through.
Barbarian: I'm going to rage and charge him and headbutt him.
Rogue:I'm going to "aid another" by giving the barbarian an extra push
DM:OK The barbarian leaps across the room in a rage and perfectly headbutts the helpless elf, knocking him out. The commotion awakens the slobbering drunk guard.
Guard:Whoa! I forgot to lock the door. *locks the door and proceeds to go to sleep*
it was monday at lunch in the cafeteria at school. most of my players are in my lunch with me so we often talk about their goals. one of my players(p1) has the notion that this wizardess owes them something and wants her to enchant his weapon. as i was talking to my other player(p2) p1 is also talking at him to figure out what he wants exactly.
then this really hott chick walks by and i nudge p2 and motion with my head. he says wow and the next thing we hear is "she can bless my rapier" from p1 who is totally oblivious to why we were laughing really hard. he was talking about the enchantment possibilities still.
this wasnt in game but it was worth quoting.
it was monday at lunch in the cafeteria at school. most of my players are in my lunch with me so we often talk about their goals. one of my players(p1) has the notion that this wizardess owes them something and wants her to enchant his weapon. as i was talking to my other player(p2) p1 is also talking at him to figure out what he wants exactly.
then this really hott chick walks by and i nudge p2 and motion with my head. he says wow and the next thing we hear is "she can bless my rapier" from p1 who is totally oblivious to why we were laughing really hard. he was talking about the enchantment possibilities still.
OMFGROFL!
Did you expect her to just ignore that and continue talking to you? Come on, NPC's have to act as a person probably would in real life in situations like that.
You know, that was Ront 1st level, well, the first version of him. My first time playing DnD.
That was about 5 years ago now.
I was a newb.
No need to be so mean.
But, its something I look back at and laugh at.
Besides, the "DAMN DM!" was for comedy.
.
then this really hott chick walks by and i nudge p2 and motion with my head. he says wow and the next thing we hear is "she can bless my rapier" from p1 who is totally oblivious to why we were laughing really hard. he was talking about the enchantment possibilities still.
I assum now when ever you see an atractive woman you say "she can bless my rapier anyday"
this wasnt in game but it was worth quoting.
it was monday at lunch in the cafeteria at school. most of my players are in my lunch with me so we often talk about their goals. one of my players(p1) has the notion that this wizardess owes them something and wants her to enchant his weapon. as i was talking to my other player(p2) p1 is also talking at him to figure out what he wants exactly.
then this really hott chick walks by and i nudge p2 and motion with my head. he says wow and the next thing we hear is "she can bless my rapier" from p1 who is totally oblivious to why we were laughing really hard. he was talking about the enchantment possibilities still.
Reminds me of an OOC moment while in a game.
The party wizard had just acquired a staff of fire from a now-dead enemy spellcaster, and he was just a little bit too happy to have it, if you asked me. Anyway, the party was sitting in a tavern, and the table-talk had gotten to describing what everyone's characters were doing - most of it mixed with shades of flirting and innuendo. Everyone but the wizard had described their actions, so cracking-wise, I (the DM) said "And [the wizard] is in the corner polishing his staff."
::the players giggle::
The wizard's player snaps out of whatever was distrcting him and replies "Oh, no. I can't do that. It might go off." Everyone lost it and it took him about two seconds for it to hit him - the look on his face was priceless.
Best straight line in game ever
Shawn: Can you just stop talking about it an' let me roll? *1*
Everyone else: *jumps over the table to attack Joe*
Some things just aren't done...
I'd believe you! Had that happen in my group before.
Twice!Dwarven Druid: Aye...yer curst!
Rogue-Mage: GAH! Can you remove the curse?
Dwarven Druid: Aye... with something sharp I'll need tho.
Rogue-Mage: ...Wait a sec...what kind of a curse is this?
Dwarven Druid: YER EARS!!! *points vehemently* They be pointy like an elves!
Rogue-Mage: Okay then, well then I'm not cursed because I'm not an elf, I'm a half-elf...
Dwarven Druid: Yer half-curst!
-later, the rogue-mage died and was then reincarnated into an elf by the Dwarven Druid-
Dwarven Druid: I'm sorry lad, yer fully curst!
Rogue-Mage: *Surrounded by Winter Wolves, total defense, a decent Reflex save, and had yet to take damage from that cold-breath thing*
Wizard Evoker: I think I'll throw a fireball, Raz can dodge it. *evoker people...the save was a DC 19 at least..probably more..and he didn't like Raz*
Rogue-Mage: *makes the save, barely, no damage*
DM: Okay, the big-bad wolves have become crispy puppies
Rogue-Mage: *waves to other PC's* I'm alright!
Wizard Evoker: He survived?!? ...er..I mean..of course.
---Some levels later---
Rogue-Mage: *makes a spellcraft check* Oh my...more fireballs...what am I ever to do. *Fireball goes off, Rogue-Mage is untouched, deadpanned look on his face* Okay berks, for the last time... I'M IMMUNE TO MISTER FLAME FLAME!!!
The smite-cleric threw a bag of dice to his younger sister. His younger sister spazzes out and barely catches it underhanded with her fingertips.
Paladin: Nice snatch!
Everyone else: *laughing*
Paladin: *buries head in hands* You guys, that's not what I meant...
(I'm constantly being corrected on this - half of everyone remembers it as the Paladin threw and the Smitecleric said it...does it really matter? I just think it's funny that our paragon of all that is pure and chaste stepped in it. :evillaugh)
Archippos - Me. MonkSorcerer with a bit of a weight problem. Strength of 4 doesn't help but I try. I'm the absolute joke of this group. I just had two of my fingers on my right hand chopped off for trying to stay alive underneath an Inquisitor's questioning, now unconscious
Bran - Annoying litte thing. He serves Blissanobiarella but somehow made all his Bluff checks against the guy despite us having the SAME modifier. A major pain and has shown no ounce of emotion toward me
Cir - Cleric of Anwar. Nice guy, very nice to Archippos, but wasn't being much help.
We enter just after I had fallen unconscious, and Harold the Inquisitor had just turned to Bran:
DM - Harold then turns to Bran and loosens his gag. "You said you live here? Where did you find these two?"
Bran - "On the road, they were fighting a bear."
DM - "And did you see them use any strange tricks? Anything that might be described as magic?"
Lyinginbedmon - (Ooc) He can kill us both [Cir]
Bran - "The fat one, yes."
DM - "And the pagan?"
Bran - "Not the arcane arts, no."
DM - "You know of the arcane arts?"
Bran - "Heard of them. This forest has a lot of rumors about it, you know."
DM - "True. Do you know why they came to this forest?"
Bran - "Cir here was honest, he was just exploring. I suppose he came across the other fellow, Archippos. Archippos said he had a quest he was determined to accomplish."
DM - "I see. Did he say what his quest was?" He eyes you.
Bran - "He was looking for something. Bl-bl..I can't pronounce it, sir."
DM - "Blissanobiarella?"
Bran - "Yeah."
DM - "Do you know of her?"
Bran - "Bunch of rumors, sir."
DM - "Do you know where she is?"
DM - (Ooc) how many Bluff checks can he make in a row...
Bran - "She's here and there, the rumors say."
DM - "I would be less evasive if you value your fingers. My dagger is still plenty sharp, and if it takes a little more sawing, I have all the time in the world."
Lyinginbedmon - (Ooc) TAKE THE WRIST! TAKE THE WRIST!
If they just erase it, I would cry.
Our party (A human sorcoress who used to be a slave, a changeling rouge disguised as a half-elf (me), a Dwarven Fighter with a CHA of 5, and an insecure, quiet half-silver dragon was out in the woods, and the only food we had was porridge. My character had cooked the night before, and, with no ranks in profession 'cook', I had rolled a total of 4 to cook porridge, meaning the food was aweful. It was the sorcoresses turn. She takes the d20, and rolls. She looks down at her die for a second, claps her hands, and shouts "BAM! Critical Porridge!"
She had rolled a 20. We laughted about it for a good fifteen miniutes.
Later on in that game, myself and the dwarf were trapped and dragged before the Half-Elven BBEG, who was also a master weaponsmith. Now, something to note, our dwarf with the CHA of 5 was not particularly ugly, though no one would call him attractive. His lack of Charisma manifested more in having the social graces of a rabid boar. So, as we were in chains, the Dwarf started looking around the room, seeing all the weapons that had been made by the BBEG. The BBEG say: "We need to have a talk." And then, the Dwarf says: "Aye, that we do. This is some fine weaponsmithing you've got here. Now, it doesn't compare to any Dwarven work, but for being half a pointy eared daisy eater, you didn't do a half-bad job. You should have been a dwarf, methinks."
My character's fast talking got us out, mainly by convincing the BBEG that there was no way that one of the heros who had been foiling her plots was that bloody stupid.
Originally posted by TheLastOfTheFallen
And then, the Dwarf says: "Aye, that we do. This is some fine weaponsmithing you've got here. Now, it doesn't compare to any Dwarven work, but for being half a pointy eared daisy eater, you didn't do a half-bad job. You should have been a dwarf, methinks."
I wouldn't call that a symptom of a bad charisma score. Since he came up with something fairly witty on a dime, and managed to say it in a strong confident voice without uncertain mumbling or stuttering or anything, he must have high Inteligence AND Charisma scores. Maybe he has too low a Wisdom scroe to realize bad mouthing somebody might be a bad idea... or maybe he just doesn't care. A low charisma character, on the other hand might say something like, "These weapons suck compared to Dwarven ones."
Someone yells, "steaks" as we charge in.
The sorceror adds as he starts flinging fireballs into the herd, "I'm going to baste them in their own juices... I'm a BBQ Sorceror!".
My wizard was riding with a party that also included a ranger and a druid. First night out, the ranger used Survival to hunt and provide food for the party. Second day my wizard decides to help:
Me [OOC to DM]: If my character sees a squirrel or rabbit near the road as we ride, please let me know.
DM:
OK...after about 3 hours you seen a bunny munching quietly near the edge of the road.Me: I cast Magic Missile. [Rolls damage]
DM:
OK...it's dead.Druid:
What did you do THAT for???Me: I'm hunting.
Druid:
You can't do that!!Me: Why not? The ranger used his bow to hunt right? Well, my way is much more humane.
Druid:
WHAT??!!Me: [Deadpan] Magic Missile never misses...
Another time, my 2nd Ed. halfling was in the third rank at a narrow opening leading into a huge cave. The cave was filled with lava, with two fire giants standing at the opening fighting our front rank. Not enough space to shoot a bow, too far for a pole weapon, so...
Me: I use Intimidation on them!
DM: :D Make your roll!
Me: Surrender or die! [Rolls a natural 1; special success]
DM: OK... [Rolls]
[Rolls] [Rolls] DM: Um, they drop their weapons and say "Halfling scary! We give up!"
It seems that the DM rolled an Int check [natural 20; special failure], gave them a saving throw [natural 1; auto fail], and threw in another for good measure [natural 1; auto fail]. After rolls like that, he just gave up and had the fire giants ferry us across and give up their treasure to boot... Beware of scary halflings!
The set-up:
It's Christmastime (let's guess it would be Urban Arcana setting). We've got a guy and a small dragon (Wyrmling age, maybe?).
Dragon: Can I light the Christmas tree?
Guy: Sure. I'll just get the Christmas cookies out of the oven. (leaves).
Ka-Boom.
The guy runs in, and the tree's on fire.
Guy:
What did you do?!Dragon: I lit the Christmas tree.
Guy:
Must've been that dragon's 1st Christmas, to think "lighting the tree" involves lighting it on fire.
(My character just walked out of the room, everyone else is arguing.)
"Hey! Did he just leave? He's the only one in this group with any damn sense! Quick let's follow him!"
Old Campaign:
Druid/MoMF - "Don't make me angry. You would't like me when I'm angry." (wildshapes into a green storm giant)
Argei: Okay, so how healthy is that one?
DM: The zombie?
Argei: Yeah.
DM: *omnious* ON DEATH'S DOOR.
Argei: And the new one?
DM: *omnious* ON DEATH'S DOOR.
Argei: Wow, already?
DM: Yeah, he has significantly less than 0 hit points. I'd say he's well into the negatives. DUDE, HE'S UNDEAD!!!
Argei: Oh yeah...
Wizard: "What ho? Pancakes on the horizon!"
Druid: "Pancakes? Have you been drinking bad water?"
Wizard: "I don't think so... I've been boiling everything..."
Another character comes in with the guards
PC1: There he is, get that pirate!!
Me: You'll never catch me :evillaugh *jumps through tavern window*
DM: You crash through the window and see 12 guards in front of you and you hear many clicking sounds from on top of the roof.
Me: Ummmm.... all right I'll go peacefully.
Later in Prison.
DM: You wake up in a jail cell with 3 other prisoners.
Me: Im looking for a man named Zane.
Zane (i dont know him): Who wants to know and why.
Me: Well i cant tell you, i can only tell Zane
Zane: Your not in the position to be making demands here.
Me: Bah why do i have to talk to stupid pirates.
DM:
You get a swift boot in the back of your head and you wake up 10 minutes later. When you wake up you notice all the cells are empty but yours which has 12 pirates in it now.Me: ...Wait a second there wasnt that many of you in here last time...
Zane: Who sent you in here and why.
Me: (OOC) I explain them the plan and who i am
Zane:
You really think that we need your help. We control this jail cell.DM: Another Pirate yells out guard is coming. And with that the pirates open the jail cell and move to there regular cells.
Guard: Quite You scum *checks cell door*
I forgot to lock the cells.Dm: The guard goes ahead and locks all the cells *again*.
It's simple, really: Whoever really wants the thread kept will download it, keep it in a file, and wait to see if it gets cut. If it does, then you get yourself a free Web site and link to it in your sig and/or put it in the first post of a new thread with the same title. Simple as that.
I'm gonna do that with the thread in my sig *points* if it gets cut. Some of those character-death stories are truly amazing material.
me(Half elf ranger) and a halfling female rogue had just walked into an underground casino, also brothel and strip club, and the female rogue had been flirting the whole session, and my ranger just leans in and says quietly to her
"You'll fit right in here wont you?"
We didnt stop laughing for maybe 10 minutes....
(Note: also posted on witty remarks, cause it works with both right?)
Me (DM): Ben? What are you doing?
Ben: SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT! SHOOT!
Me: Ben, you can only shoot once per round.
Ben: Oh
*This continues for 4 more rounds until this:*
Ben: SHOOT!! SHOOT!! SHOOT!!
Me: No, Ben
Ben: Why not?
Me: You need to reload, reload, reload!!!
Ben: Oh, yah...umm...yah...I knew that...
Ok, this might sound like a complaint, but rest assured I have no quarrel with the DM and I was laughing by the time it was over. Actually, the setup is the funny part, if you read it with an open mind and consider the sheer absurdity of it and how many rules were broken to make it happen.
We were a midlevel party a while back. I was a chaotic good Warforged fighter\warmage. Just starting to take the Spellcarved prestige class. My DM just LOVES to mess with our characters, nauseated, sickened, that kind of thing. Once he had an entire adventure revolving around us finding a cure for a poison slipped into our drinks. Well anyway being a Warforged, that threw a monkey wrench into the entire operation. He got tired of my gloating looks and “I’m immune to that”. And, rather than sitting down and talking to me about it, he decided to get back at me with a little old fashioned power abuse. Making me see how it feels to complain about someone being immune to everything. Keep in mind that I was playing with a bunch of monks/wizards, none of which had any mettle on their person.
We were investigating reports of a powerful warforged component (artifact grade) in some desert ruins. We went through the standard desert monsters no problem.(this is the funny part) But when we got to the temple, we found that its guardians had all been killed and been replaced by a cult of wizards (all of which prided on their ability to cast heat mettle/rusting grasp better than any other sentient being alive, and had just enough ranks in Artificer to know how to place their spells for most construct hurting goodness(house rule)), their rust monster familiaris, and several dust weights.
Memorable encounters include: when I first entered and thought it was like any other adventure, going first, opening a trapped door and getting hit with FIVE count em FIVE rusting grasp spells at once. Several pits filled with acid that only affected mettle. And lets not forget, when I finally found the artifact, it was on a pedestal surrounded by an antimagic field and inside of that a constant repel mettle effect. Cant you just picture me clomping reverently up to the artifact, reaching out my hand for it, and wham I fly 15 feet backwards across the room. I was playing with a bunch of Chaotic evil teenagers so they refused to get it for me. My character had to be dragged out of the room yelling and crying(yes warforged can cry if they have a strong enough emotional insentive), which they did with glee.
Here comes the worst part, in the center of the temple complex was a COLOSSAL battle construct that had apparently been possessed by the mother of all dust weights. That was the reason the legend of the artifact had been circulated, to attract fresh mettle for the construct to assimilate (after being thoroughly liquefied by all the traps in the stupid place) thus leading to its appearance as a walking constantly rusting scrap heap. I was out of spells and my weapons had crumbled into dust long ago so I had to grapple it, you heard me right a construct grappling a colossal dust weight. Anyway, after much spell casting, exorcizing, and (on my part) slowly disintegrating, we finally managed to destroy the construct body. Then as if that wasn’t enough, the dust weight emerged from the ruined husk and we had to do it all again. The memorable quote at the end as follows:
DM: you stand, pitted, cracked, and chipped, but alive on top of a field of mettle and grains of dust and rust.
ME: I punch the air and yell “YEA”
DM: the strain is too much on your battered body and you crumble into a small pile of dust on the floor.
Other Guy: I unscrew a flask and scoop him into it using a corner of my robe.
Yea, kinda long, kinda lame, but funny to me.
PS: what the hack is a paragon level
Anyways we had just taken the head priest hostage, killed the guards, eaten their brains (My char was hungry!), and was now being lead to a treasure room by the priest. Eventually we reach a staircase and here's where chaos ensues:
Head Priest: You must go in first.
Aruthis: uhh...NO
Head Priest: You must, I cannot go in first, it is a precaution against thieves.
Party: 0_o
Aruthis:How does that make sense?
Head Priest: *random crap*
Giffca (me): Hey Scythis wanna see what happens if we make the head priest go first?
Scythis:Sure
At this point Giffca pushes the cleric down the staircase which leads to the head priest smashing his head on a barrier. I repeat until the DM gets ******. Regardless, the Head Priest gets ****** at Scythis and me.
Scythis: I stab this bastard with one of my arrows.
DM: Your knife breaks.
Scythis:
I use swords and besides I stabbed him with an arrow!DM: Look it's right here in the PHB!
Scythis: Dude...no. Those are feats.
DM: NO THEY'RE NOT! HE BROKE YOUR BOW OK!?
Everyone
Btw this was my first post so gimme a
PS: what the hack is a paragon level
Epic level handbook - the Paragon is a template for the best ever of ___. They list a paragon mindflayer, but it's one of those rare templates that can (hypothetically) be applied to any creature. I wouldn't recommend that - +12 insight to AC, +12 luck to AC, +15 to all stats = +7 to Dex = +7 or 8 to AC, Possible +5 to Natural Armor, total of a +31 to 37 to armor class - and epic damage reduction, and fast healing, and SR - point is, if you overuse Paragons your players will get sick of not hitting anything in a hurry. Really ought to be variant paragons, for when lazy DMs like I need to boost something's CR by 12 to 18 in a hurry...
Modern Game:
The DM's brother Chad is back from the army for a couple days. We're all hunting zombies, having raided a gun shop (D'Eagles are the order of the day, not surprisingly)
Chad: Okay, so I rolled a 6, plus 4, 10 damage.
DM: 10 damage. You're adding your strength to the bullets, aren't you?
Chad: No-oh, wait, I'm not supposed to?
DM: No! What, are you flicking the-
Chad: *making the flicking-the-gun motions*
DM: No. Okay, next...
Intiative rolls around to Chad again a few minutes later.
Chad: Okay, sooo...13 damage.
DM: *glances at the dice* You added your strength again why?
Chad: Umm, I was hoping you'd forget...
Btw this was my first post so gimme a
ok. here is a
Nagumo - Rogue/Sorcerer
Vincent - Ranger
Shiro - Monk
Niomi - Favored Soul
The PCs find inflated prices everywhere so they decide to stay at a cheap seedy Inn (akin to a two story run-down Motel 6). They notice the waitresses all have stars on their aprons, ranging from 1 - 10 stars. Nagumo is a lecherous sort so he decides to flirt with several barmaids and manages to pick up three dates, a 4, 5, and 7 star.
Nagumo: "Okay, you a 9, you at 9:15, you at 9:30 and bring a friend."
Vincent: "You wasted no time getting a date... or four."
Shiro: "Have you no morals?"
Nagumo: "I checked those in at the door. Bartender, a drink to go please? Strongest you got to wake me up."
Dwarf Bartender: "Here ya go." *Slides Nagumo a pint*
Nagumo: "Whoa.. this is... ugh. What do you call this?"
Dwarf Bartender: "Vinegar." :D
Niomi: "Goodness, is there anything on this menu that isn't alcoholic?"
Vincent: "Maybe the air... but I doubt it."
Niomi: "Bartender, can I get a water?"
Dwarf Bartender: "Sorry lass, closest I got without resortin' to a horse trough is some ale."
Niomi: "Err... gee, thanks." *Casts Purify Food n Drink to make water*.
Dwarf Bartender: *Scoffs*
Shiro: "Well that insulted the dwarf's honor."
Nagumo: "Nevermind honor, I gotta get ready for my dates." *leaves upstairs*
Niomi: "Did we ever find out what the stars meant on those maids?"
Vincent & Shiro: "Um... no."
So Nagumo is getting ready in his private room when he notices his window is open (It wasn't at first). He peeks outside and sees nothing of interest. As he looks back into his room a female ninja attacks him, beating him senseless with a sap.
Nagumo: "What the!? Ow! Holy one-arm bandits! Ow! I go invisible!"
Ninja: *Uses a smoke bomb to give herself concealment*
Nagumo: "Ha ha, you can't see me!"
Ninja: *Makes the listen check to pinpoint Nagumo by sound and successfully criticals him.*
Nagumo: "Oww... parley! Parley!"
Nagumo jumps out the window and Feather Falls to the street below. Looking back, the ninja gives him a "WTF" jesture and then brushes him off, leaving through the door. Nagumo returns to his room in 10 minutes, looking for more ninjas.
Door: *knock knock*
Nagumo: "Oh dang, forgot about my dates! Well, at least the 9:15 showed up."
Door: "*pound pound*
Nagumo: "Hold on, I'm coming! Someone's impatient..."
DM: You open the door and full 8 inches taller then you is a black-robed female Cleric of Pain weilding a spiked heavy cudgel.
Nagumo: "Oh man, I hate it when I'm right."
Nagumo throws the door closed, but she kicks the door off it's hinges and flattens Nagumo. They start wrestling on the ground with Nagumo getting the business end of a cudgel.
Meanwhile...
Vincent: "You hear something? Like fighting upstairs?"
Shiro: "Yes, I do."
Dwarf Bartender: "Aye, happens all the time. Tis the usual business."
Niomi: "Err... okay i'll bite. What do the stars mean?"
Dwarf Bartender: "They be the challenge ratings for me dominatrixes. Your friend upstairs ordered some pretty heavy hitters."
Vincent: "Whoa! Hold on, he got a 4 star, 5 star, and 7 star... how bad exactly we're talking here?"
Dwarf Bartender: "Well, 3 stars they start dealing lethal damage to ye. I believe poisons start at 5 stars..."
Nagumo: (From upstairs) "No, the cudgel doesn't fit there! Ahhhh!!"
DM: *Soda through nose*
Party:
The party rushes to Nagumo's rescue. Vincent Bull Rushes the Cleric of Pain off Nagumo and Shiro pulls Nagumo to the side. Niomi starts healing his wounds. Nagumo is unconscience with 29 points of lethal damage and nearly twice that in non-lethal. The Party explains that Nagumo didn't know what the stars meant.
Cleric: "Oh, I'm sorry!" I thought he knew... forgive my assumption."
Vincent: "No it's okay... I mean... you didn't kill him."
Niomi: (to herself) "Amazing that rogues could be bent in such positions..."
Vincent: "Here's some money, uh... for services."
**Two female city guards enter the room, in full plate**
Shiro: "Ah, the local law has arrived. We are unaware of the laws here reguarding uh... exotic services. Forgive our nievity"
Guard1: "Huh? No, we're the 9:30. I brought my friend here."
Guard2: "Hiya! Oh, looks like the party started already." *Draws her greatsword*
Party:
The Party explained the situation and it was resolved calmly. Nagumo unfortunately wasn't quite up to being social to any barmaids for a few days. :D We had to take a break from D&D as everyone was hurting from laughing so much through this encounter.
I am A mage blad with Stormbrand and Massive strength and we enter a room...there was a dead body twitching n the center...
Our Magister decides to touch it
DM:Roll a reflex save..
Thesius the Magister: rolls low...
!!DM: Insects burst from the twitch corpse and burrow in your skin and start crawling up your arm from underneath. The pain is unimaginable*Picks up a D20*
Thesius:"CUT IT OFF!!!! CUT IT OFFF!!!!
The rogue and i had fun....
He then tried regenerating his arm.....it turned into a snake.....
Thesius:
Same party but earlier in the campaign..we are travelling through the underdark...and have been getting our ass handed to us around every corner
DM: You sit down to eat some rations and after a few minutes you here some strange noises.
Party=ready for combat
DM:a group of mushrooms hops up to you and start screaming...you dont understand what they are seeing but they look unhappy that you are here.
I then look over to the cleric and say: Should we run from the mushrooms?"
Keep in my i was serious...our DM was a monster like that.
another funny one from a way earlier adventure....
DM: you enter the room and are greeted by a strange glow...its a beautifully colored pool of liquid(The Pool Of Radiance) you all have a bad feeling
Me:I DIP MY FINGER IN IT!!
Party:Ouch!!
I ended up turning to a half fish and was stuck like that for a few sessions
The party had just fought and killed a Skeletal Ancient Gold Dragon, and the party Druid was killed by a full round attack from it
. They killed it and took his body back to a local Dryad/Druid to Res him. She knelt down and cried over him, at which the conversation turned OOC... DM(me): The Dryad is kneeling over his mangled body crying...
Samurai: Hey! We all know Dryad tears cure cancer!
DM (to Druid player): You don't have cancer anymore!
Druid:Sweet! :D ...wait...I don't smoke...
DM: Your from house Cannith, it's a racial ability.
Druid:
...****...but it doesn't matter, it's healed This is from a few years ago. My father is DMing and my mother and three friends of mine are playing. It's a 2E game. I'm a dwarf fighter/cleric, my mom is playing a thief and a mage (the only females of the group, with a remarkable tendancy to agree on things...), and my friends are playing a fighter, ranger, and bard, respectively. My little brother came in late in the game, as a young hobgoblin named Splot.
Now, this last friend of mine usually plays a bard, and he was well-nigh useless for most of the adventure (pretty much a dungeon crawl). So us more martial characters were constantly ribbing him.
Anyway, after the climax of an adventure that involved, among other things, me being possessed by a robe, we finally got to the end. We rescued a human sacrifice from a bunch of cultists, but unfortunately they managed to summon their god anyway. We flee down the hallway from this massive tentacled beast that's going to kill us. However, the hostage winds up saving the day. When we free him, he turns out to be a powerful magic-user who takes a device from his robe (which looks just like a Rubik's cube) and fiddles with it for a few seconds. Suddenly, we are whisked to his fortress on some other plane.
It's a very nice place, and he invites us to eat and help ourselves. The bard makes a beeline for the table and starts gnawing on a leg of mutton. The magic-user leaves the room, comes back, and sits down at the table. We thank him profusely, but he just laughs, taking out the cube again and saying, "Now, I'm going to send you away from this place...and you won't like where you end up. "
Now, I still don't know why this guy was so ungrateful, but while he's fiddling with the cube, we are not idle. I swing my magical flail at him, but it just bounces off some kind of shield. We swing mundane weapons at him too, with no luck. My dad just shrugs and says, "He must have some sort of shield against weapons. He's still fiddling with the cube..."
Splot is cowering behind the thief's leg. My dwarf is snarling in frustration. No one knows what to do, or where we're going to end up.
The bard's player then accomplishes something for the first time in several sessions of adventure.
"I throw the mutton at him."
He makes his attack, and my dad, extremely amused, says that the leg of mutton, not being, by any definition, a "weapon," knocks the cube right out of his hand. The bard then dives for it, snatches it up, and sends us all back to the Prime Material Plane!
We were paralyzed with laughter. The fighter's player even composed a ballad about the incident for the bard to sing, if he was so inclined.
We never finished the next adventure, but it turned out Splot was a pacifist black dragon...
The "It's coming right for us !" quirk is something all of his character have !
Our party makes it to the island we were travelling to to get boatloads(literally) of grain to take back to the island we came from. The race of people who live here (a race our DM homebrewed) are very stuck in the ways of tradition and respect and all that. One thing that's incredibly disrespectful to them is wearing weapons and armor in someone's home. My character won't give up his trident to anyone he doesn't trust 100%, so he chose to wait outside when we went to talk to their "king"(more or less).
The king's captain of the guard or whatever came out and started yelling at my character for being disrespectful, as apparently, just being within the vicinity of the building is considered being in someone's home to them. Of course, my character didn't know this. It went something like this:
Captain: "You disrespect us!"
Me: "I didn't even know! I'm leaving, it's cool!"
Captain: *holds out hand* (we had just learned this was the way they say goodbye, even when angry, apparently)
Me: *walks up to him, holds out hand*
Captain: *jumps up and slaps my character in the face* "I challenge you!"
Me: *dumbfounded* "What?"
Captain: "I CHALLENGE YOU!"
Me: "Challenge me to what? A jumping contest!?"
Captain: "A jumping contest it is!" *storms off*
Me: "What the hell just happened?"
Anyway, as we learned from that, challenges are a big part of their tradition, and the one being challenged is the one that decides the type of challenge. So, through being a smart-ass, I managed to get my character involved in a jumping contest. The loser must relenquish all their belongings to the winner, or become their slave. I hope I win.
***********************************
We were sneaking into a stronghold and came to a dead end. We had explored all the other routes knew that there was a way deeper into the building. The only possible way on was through a shimmering coloured curtain of light.
It was getting pretty late and I (wizard) had failed the spellcraft check to work out anything about this curtain. There was a ranger with an animal companion and a cleric with a riding dog along as well as a couple of familiars.
The Ranger and the Cleric bickered some about which to send into the curtain to test it. After this had gone on for a while I lost patience...
Me: Ok then *I* step into the curtain
DM: you want to walk right into the swirly curtain of light?
Me: Yes
DM: Ok I think that's a good place to stop for the night.
No. So depressed, Eeyore looks like a frolicking and peppy light-hearted fey in comparison to I.
My ranger was one of the city guards and as such me and a few others were investigating a lead on a drug. Along the way we stopped by a gnomish neighborhood where the following words were spoken. Spoken after stating that I asking that the gnomes don't hurt me.
Gnome: Oi lad, yer really depressed! You shouldn't be so, it'd make ya sick!
Cleric: If your so depressed all the time, maybe you shouldn't speak at all.
Me: Yeah...yer right.
Gnome: You know, that's kinda like the saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"
Me: No wonder why my mother never talked to me
Took us 5 minutes to calm down from that, it was just timed so right!
After the session:
DM: Okay, you know, I really felt that 6 Charisma. I wouldn't want to hang anywhere around your ranger! You get 50 pity XP points!
I was playing with a level 1 ranger who had a 6 Charisma. How did I play it? Extreme depression. We're talking Eeyore depression.
No. So depressed, Eeyore looks like a frolicking and peppy light-hearted fey in comparison to I.
My ranger was one of the city guards and as such me and a few others were investigating a lead on a drug. Along the way we stopped by a gnomish neighborhood where the following words were spoken. Spoken after stating that I asking that the gnomes don't hurt me.
Gnome: Oi lad, yer really depressed! You shouldn't be so, it'd make ya sick!
Cleric: If your so depressed all the time, maybe you shouldn't speak at all.
Me: Yeah...yer right.
Gnome: You know, that's kinda like the saying, "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all!"
Me: No wonder why my mother never talked to me
Took us 5 minutes to calm down from that, it was just timed so right!
After the session:
DM: Okay, you know, I really felt that 6 Charisma. I wouldn't want to hang anywhere around your ranger! You get 50 pity XP points!
Just like Marvin the robot from HGTTG!
Me: "Meet me about a mile outside of town.... I gotta check something."
Fighter: "Why can't we come?"
Me: "I gotta use the bathroom."
Ranger: "You're gonna steal that horse, aren't you?"
Me: "What? No! I really gotta go to the bathroom....honest."
Fighter rolls for bluff: 2
Ranger rolls for bluff: 4
I roll for bluff: 17
Ranger: "Have a nice poop."
His story starts in a little outpost that’s outside a major city by 3 days on horse (where the rest of the group is).
Note the town he is in is mostly populated humans with few dwarfs and they do not tolerate other races very well.
Mage to DM: Since Im without a horse i go to the stables.
DM: You walk up to the stables and a little boy comes and says.
Boy: Are you picking up a horse or renting one?
Mage: Renting one. Go tell the Stable Master i need one.
Boy: Okay *turns around takes 3 steps and yells* HEY DERICK THIS ELF NEEDS A HORSE!!!
DM: An old man with a balding head comes out and says.
Derick: What? An elf? Tell him we dont have ponies. *walks back in*
Boy:He doesnt have ponies.
Mage to Dm: I walk into the stables and up to Derick and say, "Look i need to ride something with hair, i dont need a pony."
Derick:*putting his hand on the top of his head* Its a family trait...
After renting the horse he went to a provision shop to buy some things for the trip.
Mage: I need some food rations and some grain for the horse
Keeper: For how many days?
Mage: 4 of each should do
DM:The keeper walks into the back and in a little while a boy comes out carrying 2 bags of grain.
Boy:Should i put these on the horse?
Mage:Yes please.
Boy:*walks out and putst them on the horse and comes back in and says* You know that horse should have a blanket to put under that saddle.
Mage: I guess your right how much is one?
Boy:2 silver pieces
Mage:Okay and go put it on the horse
Boy: *goes out again puts blanket on horse and comes back in and says* You know i think you would need a blanket for yourself at night.
Mage: I dont really need one.
Boy: How bout a stake and rope so that you can tie down your horse when your in a clearing.
Mage:Do need one
Boy:How bout an extra harness incase yours breaks
Mage:
I dont need anything, where is that shop keeper?Boy:How bout some refreshing water, it will keep you going longer through the day
Mage:I can fill up my canteen at the well i dont need to buy water.
Boy: How bout...
Mage: Enough here’s 12 silver pieces leave me alone
DM: And with that the boy goes to the back and the shopkeeper comes out with your rations
Keeper: Umm sorry it took so long couldnt find those rations... So that will be 64 silver peices please
DM:You ride out of town and *rolls dice* nothing happens in the 3 days and you arrive in Tarriff. What do you do?
Mage:I go to the stables turn in the horse and go to the mage tower to show I completed my quest.
DM:You arrive at the tower doors.
Mage: I knock on the doors
DM: A mage opens a slit and looks at you and says
Person 1:Who are you?
Mage:I am Nezven I have come back to show I have completed my quest.
Person 1:Quest? What are you talking about? Let me see your guild key
Mage: *I pull out my key*
DM: The guy closes the slit and you hear whispering on the other sides that go like this
Person 1: He has a key
Person 2: An elf? Nezven? He wasnt in any initiation ceremonies
Person 1: Yah Wait a second. *Opens the slit* Let me see that key again.
Mage: *pulls out the key*
Person 1: *closes the slit* looks authentic but i dont remember him.
Person 2: Should we let him in? He does have the key
Person 1: Yah but maybe he killed someone for it.
Person 2:But he does have the key we have to let him in.
Person 1: Alright I'll open it
DM:The Door opens for you
Person 1: Welcome back Nezven. How may I help you
Mage: Im here to show that i got the bagbar root and destroyed the cult encampment.
Person 2: Bagbar root? We have barrels of it in the storage.
Mage:
Then... ummm.... where is Quinton?Person 1: 3rd story 12th door on your left.
Mage: Thank you. *I walk upstairs and follow the directions*
DM:You find the room
Mage: I knock on the door
Dm:From in side you hear someone say "Come in, Come in Its only a Lab.
Mage: I walk in
DM: Inside you find a lab that is huge. By the looks of it, it seems to be bigger than the tower. You find an old man holding 2 flasks and trying to have a drop of each fall into a vile. He says to you "Wait a moment". 2 drops fall into the vile and he quickly drops the two flasks and backs away, but nothing happens. He walks closer to it and looks into and a purple cloud puffs up and hits him in the face.
Quinton: All right you can come here.
Mage: *I walk up*
Quinton: Who are you and what rank?
Mage: I am Nezven, I came to show you i fulfilled my quests, and Im ranked Apprentice.
Quinton: Good now drink whats in the vile
Mage: Come again?
Quinton: Drink it.
Mage: Why?
Quinton: I said drink it, your an apprentice do what i say!
Mage: Will something bad happen?
Quinton: Bah forget you I'll drink it myself. *Drinks the Potion* Ahh... perfect. *pulls out a paper and writes on it* Now follow me. Pick up those scrolls over there.
DM: With that he picks up 2 scrolls and leaves the room.
Mage: I do as im told and follow him.
DM: You follow him up 2 more stories and walk into a lavished office he puts down his scrolls on a desk.
Quinton: Put those down over there.
Mage: *does as told*
Quinton: Now who did you say you were?
Mage: I am Nezven... you told me to go find some bagbar root on the third floor of the mines, and to get rid of the cultist encampment at the forest...
Quinton: Bagbar? What are you talking about?
DM: He walks to a shelf and pulls out a little green book and lays it on the desk. In a second the book becomes 4 times its size and 3 times as thick. He starts searching the book.
Quinton: Nezven, Nezven... hmmm.... A hah i found it. It says you were out searching for bagbar root and destroy the encampment. Let me see the root.
Mage:* I hand it to him*
DM: He cast a spell on it and it starts growing white hairs
Quinton: Yup that’s bagbar root. And what about proof that you dealt with the cult encampment?
Mage: I have a journal of the Leader
Quinton: Excellent. Let me See it
Mage *hands it over as he's speaking* I need this back
DM: He then puts the book in one of the drawers and shuts it.
Mage:Hey I need that
Quinton: What rank are you?
Mage: Apprentice
Quinton: Thats what i thought. I’ve decided to give you a room for you good work. Its on the first floor the fifteenth hallway, third door on your right. Oh and you are not allowed to leave the tower. You must under go training to achieve the next rank Adept. You may go now.
Mage: *I leave and go to the second floor to explore*
DM on the second floor you see it very fancy and has curtains everywhere and plush seats much unlike the first floor. You see a guy walk out of a room with nothing but a towel on and sees you and looks very startled. He walks up to you
Stranger: An elf? Since when have we had an elf in the guild? Let me see a key.
Mage: *I show him my key*
Stranger: Well then you are new, having a apprentice key
Mage: Not really I've been doing some quest for Quinton so i havent been here much.
Stranger: What quest?
Mage: I got some bagbar root from the mines, and destroyed the Cultis camp.
Stranger:
shouldnt you be a journey man right now? Did you disobey orders?Mage: Yes... why?
Stranger:
Ooooo bad move. No wonder you are still an apprentice. What did you do?Mage:
Didn’t drink a purple potion he told me to drinkStranger: Bad move. It's a memory potion that he makes. Helps you memorize your spells faster. Though Quinton does have a bad memory. Between you and me i think its the cloud from the potion that makes people forget. Even I am starting to forget things. Who are you again?
Mage: Im the apprentice that destroyed the cultist encampment remember?
Stranger:.... Shouldnt you be a Journey man?
Mage: WE ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION!!!
Stranger: Really? I dont remember... i forget things a lot.
Thats all i can remember. Sorry if its too long
And now, a small story that some may understand, and some might not quite get the first time. It's not as good as most of the stories here, because I suck at telling stories.
I'm playing a thri-kreen (preying mantis person, for those who aren't familiar with thri-kreens) barbarian that is called "Bug" because it's simpler than trying to pronounce Xthwis. Our group's currently in a booby trapped dungeon, and our rogue has yet to show up to any meetings. Anyway, I split off from the group to do a little scouting down one of two tunnels, and the druid goes down the other, when I accidentally trigger a trap that causes the ceiling to smash the bug, making him effectively three inches shorter. After Bug scurries out, another player that plays a fighter says "The bug got swatted."
Just had to tell the story, for the sheer irony of a giant bug being swatted by a giant flyswatter ceiling.
PCs in a dungeon.
PC1: I open the door.
DM: As you touch the doorknob, you hear a supernaturally loud buzzing noise...
*PC1 makes a spellcraft check*
and you identify it as an Alarm spell.
PC1: Crap! I stuff the doorknob down my pants!
DM:
PC1: you know... to muffle the buzzing...
After a few more alarm spells, the room is found to be stacked with relatively fresh corpses... about FOUR HUNDRED! Adventuring on, they discover a chamber with a pair of (animate) Huge Skeletons.
PC1 (with doorknob still in his pants): I cast detect magic on the skeletons.
DM: You detect strong necromany magic.
PC1: Oh
!!Party: What?
PC1: Guys, I just realized that there is a necromancer in the dungeon and 400 animatable corpses between us and the exit!
Party:
Me: I got to the Threading Needle
DM: As you enter the shop you notice an a tall slender man measuring a lady and looks up at you. You also notice he has pointy ears.
Me: Wow an Elf in town... you don’t find many of those
Elf: Uhhh... Can I help you?
Me: Yes. I need some cloths
Elf: ... Can you be a little more specific like color?
Me: Red and Black
Elf: The style of clothing
Me: Shirts and Pants?
Elf: No what kind of style? How do you want the shirt to look like. Baggy, puffy, tight fitting (keeps rambling on about different types of style)
Me:
I have no idea what your saying... I'll be back later wit some girls... maybe they will know what your talking aboutElf: Please do.
After searching I find the females people in my party at another store.
Me: I walk in
DM: As you walk in you notice that Illaya is being measured by a seamstress.
Lilly: What are you doing here?
Me: I need to buy cloths and I have no idea what I’m doing can you help me?
Illaya:
finally I can fix you! (she was a queen who decided to join us long story)Me: Fine what ever I just need cloths
Seamstress: Ahh a draconian. This will be a challenge, I like challenges. Come here and stand here
Me: *Do as I’m told*
Seamstress: *smacks me with a ruler* Stand strait
Me: I am standing strait!
Seamstress: *smacks me with a ruler* I said stand strait.
Me: *I stand straight
*Seamstress: *smacks me with a ruler* Lift your arm!
Me: *lifts arm*
Seamstress: *measures* put it down. *smacks me with a ruler* Other arm
After a couple more beatings with a ruler she eventually finishes and looks at me.
Seamstress: So what colors and style do you want.
Me: Red and Black
Seamstress: Style...
Me:
This is where I got yelled at, when I was at the other shop.Seamstress: Girls do you know what he wants?
DM: The girls start going into a long conversation circling around you and talking about stuff you don’t even under stand. An hour goes by and they still are talking and walking around you.
Me: Umm... Remember i just need some regular close that i can wear under my armor.
DM: The girls look at you with a look that makes you fell stupid. and they go on talking again. After another hour and her beating you telling you to keep straight and still they continue talking
Seamstress: All right everything is done your cloths will be ready within a week. That will be 622.
Me: Silver... right not gold...
Seamstress: No I mean Gold.
Me: :OMG! What did you guys do!!!!
Lilly: Well you never set a price range. Now pay her.
Me
*pays gold*DM: The girls start leaving the shop.
Me: I follow them
Lilly: You know, your going to look good in those 3 coats.
Me: Coats? What coats? I didn't ask for coats. What the Hell did you buy me?
Lilly: Well winter is coming...
And thats about it. More arguments over what they bought me but i still dont know what I'm getting until later.
The cleric was to low of a level to cast regenerate on me to get my eyes back, so I was hooped and mad, I couldn't see shiny things anymore. The party eventually came across a cave that they beleived that the mage and his followers were holed up in. The sat outside and discussed on how to get in and do the job of eliminating the threat. I however just wanted him dead, not caring how it was done. They made the mistake of not watching me again. So as whispered on how they are going to do it, I slowly stumbled my way up to the entrance. Once I got up there and found the door, I turned back at them and yelled "is this the damn door to the cave you are whispering about?" Many curses came out from them as I quickly entered the cave and ran through the maze of coridors hoping to just run into the mage. (I was blind and suicidal, damn it) Well I didn't find the mage, but I did find a big hole in the ground with sharp spikes at the bottom. The fall had taken me into the negatives, and was dying. However the party was able to get me out and cure me once I hit -9.
I don't remember if that mage ever got his due for what he did to me, but my Kender was so upset he just up and walked away in the middle of the night.
DM: Suddenly, a large rock crashes down in the mddle of your boat. You see a large humanoid figure on the cliff above.
Renya (gnome bard): Oh no! I fascinate the roc.
DM: You what?
Me (changeling wizard): You're trying to fascinate the giant...?
Renya: No, the roc.
DM: I think we have a COMMUNICATIONS PROBLEM here! The giant has thrown a rock at your boat. Or should I say boulder?
Later:
The warforged fighter and the human monk have just charged a group of drow. They have all set their spears to recieve it. Frustrated at the fact that my wizard now can't just obliterate them, I say:
Me (OOC): Every time you charge a prepared enemy, Jesus kills a kitten. With a fireball. Because now he can't cast it at the enemy!
Rekka (human monk, OOC): That's okay, I don't like Jesus or kittens.
DM: you see a large balor in front of you.
Me:azarath metrion zinthos *uses telekinisis to crush balor w/rock*
NOTE: earlier on that game we ran into a ninja, a warlock with fell flight,a shapeshifter druid,and a half warforged(dont ask)
DM: you see a large balor in front of you.
Me:azarath metrion zinthos *uses telekinisis to crush balor w/rock*
:D
DM:you wake up in a jail cell.
steve:i shoot it!
anestra:i cast fireball on it
rancid:i attack it with my knife
*nothing works*
jacob:i push the door
DM:it opens
Mephit:Why? Oh why did I sign up for this trap-job?!
Wizard: I need a drink.
Barmaid: Do you have any money?
Wizard: No, but I can help you out with your problem.
Barmaid: Huh?
Wizard casts enlarge on a part of the barmaid.
Owner of the bar smiles.
Owner of the Bar: Have a drink on me!
Barmaid blushes while holding her back.
smoker
NOTE: earlier on that game we ran into a ninja, a warlock with fell flight,a shapeshifter druid,and a half warforged(dont ask)
The "Half-Warforged" was probably a Renegade Mastermaker, from Magic of Eberron. Interesting class, with interesting roleplaying possibilities, especially if there are warforged in the group.
"If you die, can I have your body? I need it for....research."
we had a elf fruit cake i mean druid, a half-orc barb, goliath fighter, human palidin and cleric. oh and the dm really like this idea of his too
DM: as the man you were looking for leaves you see a large black dragon enter through the east door as the doors behind you close
ME (goliath): i think ill wrestle it what do you say half-orr
dm:
orc: sure good fun
lets just say the dm really didnt care for that when he started rolling really bad and we started rolling really good and we ended up pinning the dragon to the floor
The party stopped off at a small village on their way to the entrance to the Underdark. They were all pretty hurt, thanks to the fight they had with some Ashworms (Sandstorm) earlier, and the half-orc took some heavy hurts from a Worg he was hunting at the time the Ashworms attacked.
While the sorcerer decides to go and visit her home city, about 40 miles away, on her own without the rest of the party, in a very dangerous forest, and while the cleric was left behind in the last city, I decided to set the rest up with an extremely impromptu murder mystery. Involving Doppelgangers, of course.
While the rogue was investigating a suspect's house (without permission, 'breaking an entry' as it were), the half-orc had to coax the paladin into thinking that the rogue was just around the back.
Valenor: "Where's Aarven? I need to tell him where the neighbors of the suspect think he went."
Ghazkull: Master went somewhere else.
*Bluff 4, Sense Motive 26.*
Valenor: "I don't believe you. Why would you be here?"
Ghazkull: "Master told me to stay here, tell you he went to town guard."
*Bluff 6, Sense Motive 21.*
Valenor: "Hmpf, a likely story. We already went there after checking all the crime scenes for evidence."
Ghazkull: "Alright! alright, Master went around back."
*Bluff 5, Sense Motive 23*
Valenor: "Ha! Yeah, sure. What the hey for?"
Ghazkull: "Master looking for tracks in grass."
*Bluff 3, Sense Motive 26*
Valenor: "No he didn't."
Ghazkull: "Yes he did!"
*Bluff 6, Sense Motive 25*
Valenor: "C'mon. Make up with the real story. Where did he go?"
Ghazkull: "Me told you, Master went around back!"
*Bluff 4, Sense Motive 26*
Valenor: "He went inside, didn't he?"
Ghazkull: "No he didn't!"
*Bluff 2, Sense Motive 22*
Valenor: "That's it, I'm going in."
By that time, the rogue had sneaked out of the house, and was actually around the back. Nobody else knew.
---
Then, when talking to the rest of the merchant's guild (three of their members had been murdered so far. The suspect in question was a chicken merchant.)
Aarven: "Do you know the Chicken Man?"
Stonemason: "The Chicken Man?"
Aarven: "The Chicken Man."
Stonemason: "Mnyes, I know the Chicken Lane. He lives on Woodcroft Ave."
Aarven: "We think the killer's the Chicken Man."
Stonemason: "The Chicken Man?"
Aarven: "The Chicken Man."
Stonemason: "You think the killer's the Chicken Man..."
---
Later, I made a reference to the Bloodhounds, a guild (from Complete Adventurer) that the half-orc wants to join, and said that they were on the case to find whoever was responsible for a different crime: Mutant Experimentation. (The culprit for that one was the Chicken Merchant)
The leader was another half-orc, and the two half-orcs had an interesting discussion... This was all in Orcish, by the way, so only the paladin didn't know a word being said.
Bloodhound: "We got call from Captain. Says we must hunt down person."
Ghazkull: "Person is Merchant-Muderer."
Bloodhound: "A merchant-murderer? Does he murder merchants?"
Ghazkull: "Yes, he does."
Bloodhound: "A merchant-murderer murdering merchants?"
Ghazkull: "We think it's Chicken Merchant."
Bloodhound: "A Chicken merchant merchant-murderer murdering merchants?"
Ghazkull: "What?"
After that, the merchant-murderer posed as the Cobbler's mother and poisoned him while the party was guarding the Cobbler's house. Tracks were looked for, but it's not very easy at nighttime on firm ground, and the PC's had to result to forensics to get a lead.
The next day, the PC's managed to track down the real murderer, who just happened to be the Stonemason, who happened to be a Doppelganger, and they killed him and shared a nice reward. All in a day's work.
From tonight's session:
DM: Suddenly, a large rock crashes down in the mddle of your boat. You see a large humanoid figure on the cliff above.
Renya (gnome bard): Oh no! I fascinate the roc.
DM: You what?
Me (changeling wizard): You're trying to fascinate the giant...?
Renya: No, the roc.
DM: I think we have a COMMUNICATIONS PROBLEM here! The giant has thrown a rock at your boat. Or should I say boulder?
Later:
The warforged fighter and the human monk have just charged a group of drow. They have all set their spears to recieve it. Frustrated at the fact that my wizard now can't just obliterate them, I say:
Me (OOC): Every time you charge a prepared enemy, Jesus kills a kitten. With a fireball. Because now he can't cast it at the enemy!
Rekka (human monk, OOC): That's okay, I don't like Jesus or kittens.
I was the one playing Renya... funnier still, was shortly after that, I decided it WOULD be a goodplan to facinate the giant. So, I tried to determine how far away the giant was...
DM: Um.. it's 50 ft up, and 30 ft away
Renya: Ok, we'll try to figure out the diagonal. so that's the square root of 30 squared plus 50 squared
Grometik (the warforged): 30 squared is 90, right? Um...
Renya: Uh... well, that sounds too small but I don't know (note: I have a slight disorder of the brain that makes it VERY hard for me to do basic mathematics, so this is hard for me, I usually have to get other people to do calcuations for me)
Some time later, Rekka and Grimbold (said wizard) killed the giant, while a friend of ours from another room had figured out the equation just before we'd done it. In his head. With no problem. and no, the giant was NOT within 90 feet.
Rogue/Wizard (ooc): I cast enlarge person on lug [half-orc barbarian]
Rogue/Wizard: MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!
DM: Um.. it's 50 ft up, and 30 ft away
Renya: Ok, we'll try to figure out the diagonal. so that's the square root of 30 squared plus 50 squared
Grometik (the warforged): 30 squared is 90, right? Um...
Renya: Uh... well, that sounds too small but I don't know (note: I have a slight disorder of the brain that makes it VERY hard for me to do basic mathematics, so this is hard for me, I usually have to get other people to do calcuations for me)
Some time later, Rekka and Grimbold (said wizard) killed the giant, while a friend of ours from another room had figured out the equation just before we'd done it. In his head. With no problem. and no, the giant was NOT within 90 feet.
Just in case anyone finds this confusing.. it is indeed wrong.
If the giant was 50' up and 30' away horizontally, he was in fact a little under 60' away (though the D&D grid system would put him at 65')
In addition: 30^2=900.
Sorry for the hijacking ..back to the thread.
Me:azarath metrion zinthos *uses telekinisis to crush balor w/rock*
Hee hee, nice Raven reference.
My group took part in a famous contest within Adventure City, a 6 level dungeon built by the best craftsmen and sages in the land. The object is to pass all 6 levels for the ultimate prize of fame & glory (and a dump load of cash), but there is an exit out of the dungeon at every level so you could opt out of the dungeon after every level for a consolation prize.
Some of our funnier moments:
Vincent: "What happens if one of us is killed in the dungeon?"
Caretaker: "You can buy ressurection spells a la carte from the cleric there."
Niomi: "Its like an HMO with whip cream."
Gelatinous Cube: [Dancing the Cha-cha] "Come on chicken nuggets! Come on chicken nuggets!"
Efin: "I have a skill point in Alchemy, Armory, Bookbinding, Carpentry, Glassblowing, Metalwork, Stonecutting, Weaving, and I have a bag full of equipment, chemical,s and herbs."
DM: "Well you're a happy little homemaker."
Nagumo: "He's a walking meth lab."
Olivia: "I cast rightous might and double in size. I can easily stand over Shiro."
Shiro: "Ahhh!!"
DM: "Intimidated by her pair of Double Gs?"
Olivia: "And hanging over his head, ready to crush him."
Nagumo: "Those things could feed Zimbabwe!"
The "Half-Warforged" was probably a Renegade Mastermaker, from Magic of Eberron. QUOTE]
Nope, its my DMs crazy half-XXXX races. Would you beleive we have half oozes, half-tigers, half-beans,hlaf -DMs?
Rogue/Wizard (ooc): I cast enlarge person on lug [half-orc barbarian]
Rogue/Wizard: MAKE MY MONSTER GROW!
Ah...I'm the perfect age to find that reference hilarious. Especially if the rogue/wizard is an Asian woman with a hoarse voice.
Nope, its my DMs crazy half-XXXX races. Would you beleive we have half oozes, half-tigers, half-beans,hlaf -DMs?
This makes me a sad panda.
So this character doesn't get along well with his father. Not only is he forsaking his heritage, he's joining up with The Enemy, as far as his dad's concerned. Our Hero is only rebellious behind his father's back. He tends to get flustered when he actually sees his father, and his instinct is usually to hide. Don't worry, the great line is coming up soon.
During a trip to the bar in Our Hero's hometown, the captain of the guard walks in with a couple of henchmen to check on the bar and make sure that nothing is disturbing the peace. Our Hero quickly lowers the visor of his helmet and slinks down, trying to look as inconspicuous as he can. This, of course, attracts the captain's attention, and he notices that the design of this fellow's armor is very familiar.
"That had better not be my son under that armor, spending time with unsavory adventuring folks!" he says, sternly.
Our Hero: "Uh...(stammering, in a comically disguised voice) I think you've got the wrong, um...you see, I'm merely a, uh...(returns to normal voice in a panic) IT'S NOT ME!"
It took a few minutes before we were able to get back to gaming after that. Forever afterwards, he would say "it's not me" anytime his character did something not-so-smart. That was a fun group.
Piff, I feel sorry for you. Clothes shopping is bad enough, but RPing it out? *shudders*
This makes me a sad panda.
At least we dont have half pandas yet! But the half DM is really beneficial. I get to crush him when i am ****** off at the dm!
DM: Yeah, they're called wizards.
^ lol.
Piff, I feel sorry for you. Clothes shopping is bad enough, but RPing it out? *shudders*
Dont feel so sorry for me. The other characters are NPC who are on my team (mostly because it's ussually just me and the DM playing and he wanted to throw harder people at me so he added NPC's to help me) So All it took was like 4 minutes and 600 gold
"How can I **** and pillage when I'm as stiff as a sailing board!" :D
(After I get power word stunning me for 3 rounds and opening up with 3 full-round flurries that hit 20 over my AC.)
Karam: And the last attack is a pin, which doesn't matter because you're stunned. Celios spends his turns readying to hit you if you try to cast.
Me: See, trying to cast would imply that I was alive, and not at -250 hit points. I think this match is very much over.
Online game.
(After I get power word stunning me for 3 rounds and opening up with 3 full-round flurries that hit 20 over my AC.)
Karam: And the last attack is a pin, which doesn't matter because you're stunned. Celios spends his turns readying to hit you if you try to cast.
Me: See, trying to cast would imply that I was alive, and not at -250 hit points. I think this match is very much over.
Gotta love it when the DM just keeps beating the already very dead character.
DM: Ok its your turn, what do you do?
Player: I bleed profusely
DM: Your not going to do anything?
Player: You've been using my brains for peanut-butter for the last 4 rounds, I'm so far dead, that death himself is disgusted.
DM: Oh.... opps
Gang member: Who's there?
Gnome: It is I! I have returned with information about your rival.
Gang member: Who are you?
The player of the half-orc juvenile barbarian literally goes through the motion of picking up the gnome and lifting his robe to display the hairless special place, as if showing their ID badge.
Gang member: ...err...?
We paused a moment to actually realize what he did, then spent the next five to ten minutes laughing. My sides were sore that night...
My first character in this campaign dies while being played by someone else (since I wasn't there that day) on the third gaming session. Everyone else splits up the *loot* from my character.
I then make a cleric (since apparently the one person with healing abilities sucked at it).
My *friend* is playing a half-crimson dragon (his own creation), meaning he hasn't told us, looks like a human usually, looks like a red half-dragon at times, and is adept at bluff.
we're in a battle(first session with my 2nd character), he changes, my cleric pretty much goes what the! and casts searing light, hitting both what appears to be an evil part-dragon and our enemy.
Later that night my character is ambushed and killed in his sleep. Loot is distributed.
4th session: now have a huge tank-like fighter half-dragon, proceed to walk into a web from a giant spider, roll 4 critical hits on it (killing it) and then die at exactly -10 from fire damage, since someone lit the web to let me free....
Other PC: So, what's your gear this time? :P
Player: Why? What's going on?
DM, looking at a printed copy of a player's backstory: BECAUSE YOU ENDED THIS SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION!
the DM wasn't being serious, but it was worth a laugh
Our party is assaulting the home of a businessman who is working with a Jade Elf (our DM's setting's version of Drow) when the businessman (who happens to be a wilder) hits my character with a maximized Mind Thrust.
DM - What is your HP?
Me - 85
DM - Ok, you fall to the ground dead as brains and blood spurt from your ears.
Thr-Kreen Party Member (in character) - Ummm are humans supposed to do that?
-----
A few days later, my character has been revived (alternate resurrection system, so I didn't lose a level), and the party is down in a mine searching for some lost dwarven miners. As one of our party members uses his Adamantine Scythe to cut through an offending stone door, my character takes up position at the end of a hallway we haven't explored yet. . . . . after our party is swarmed by a dozen Thri-kreen warriors, I get knocked into the negatives in one round, but our party's cleric heals me.
Lying on the ground, I look down the hall at the 6 Thri-kreen still standing in the hall.
Me - Burn, you spineless bastards! (Fireball down the hall, knocks all of them down to "almost dead")
DM - Ummm, you made them all mad, so they all attack you.
After another round of being the only target of all the party's enemies, I am at around -150 or so.
Party's Thri-Kreen - Ummmm, Alex is dead again.
-------
After being raised again, the party moves on to another area and is searching for some missing security guards in a new city. Shortly after finding what appear to be the guards' bodies, we go into another room where we find all three of the guards standing in cages. The rest of the party walks in and starts trying to help them, but I stand back.
Me - Uhhhh guys something is up here . . . (casts detect magic)
DM - Ok, time for a surprise round. What is Alexander's flatfooted touch AC?
Me - (some number)
DM - Ok, you are hit by a thin green beam of energy, Make a Fort Save.
Me - (Some Number)?
DM - Ok, take 130+7d6 damage.
Me (OOC) - Did you just use a maximized Disintegrate with a Sneak attack?
DM - Yeah.
Me (OOC) - A maximized Disintegrate with Sneak Attack damage that I, even though I have the highest HP of the entire party, couldn't survive even if I rolled minimum damage?
DM - Oh, you only have 126 HP at max?
Me (OOC) - Yeah.
DM - Ok, Alex turns into a little pile of dust, the rest of you, roll initiative.
Thri-Kreen - I am starting to see a pattern.
------
My entire group still makes "Remember when Alexander died?" jokes, even though Alexander ended up going on to save all of reality as they know it (check out the Heroic Deaths thread for that story).
Borin: Just trying to sweet-talk the guard a little.
Leaf: You are just a strangely dressed little man, you can't sweet-talk anybody.
Borin-(with a +8 bonus in Diplomacy) Sure I can-
Leaf: Then try to sweet-talk me.
Of course, while Borin might have a silver tongue, I do not, especially if I have to improvise it. So I just had to stand there and look uncomfortable. In the end I got miffed and made one of the guards friendly with a well-placed "Hello there!"
Knight: I am Sir Fratley, and this is my nephew, Ramza, who is completely normal with no secrets whatever. (Bluff Roll:6 vs. Sense Motive Roll: 22)
Samurai: Tell us the truth, I sense your lie.
Knight: I assure you, he is a perfectly normal boy. (Bluff Roll:2 vs. Sense Motive Roll: 18)
Samurai: (Hand on sword) I still don't believe you.
This went on for a full fifteen minutes, with the rolls never straying from the above. Eventually the squire figured out that telling a half-truth was better than lying, and managed to persuade them that he was just unusual for a squire to have some ability as a combat medic. Maybe you just had to be there.
Me: There's a door in front of you.
Samurai: We take the door.
Me:(Very serious) It doesn't fit into your backpack. Try something else.
Knight, Squire & Shuenja:
Ps. How do you do those spoiler things?
ok background. I was playing in a horrendously overpowered campeign (all monsterous races, all stats start at 18, etc) The only thing the we don't get is any cool gear. We are basically walking through a grandious story that the DM is telling us, a good story mind you, but deus ex machina every session or two. We are all p[art of a military. We recently found that the counselor that we thought was evil had a different view of helpful and wasn't evil, and the one that we thought was helping us (councelor Troy...the DM missed that one till I started cracking up when we were introduced) was actually the BBEG that had been decimating our party in combat for the bast 2 or 3 levels. We are all level 5, have just taken down the Councellor and were now heading out to fight a Deathguard..or something like that. Everything is home brewed.
Cast: Terran [me]: Psi-Rakshasa soulknife (I got levels in Psion automatically as I took levels in soulknife)
Zeke: Legendary Minitaur Barbarian (insane strength mixed with an axe taht did 5d6 damage with a x4 modifier)
Lessak: Doppleganger Assassin
Natasha: 1st generation daywalker vampire monk (along with a shocker lizard familiar Boris that could do 8d6 lighning bolts once per round)
(can't remember her name): werecat cleric
Pheonix: Paragon half devil-half angel, DMPC
upon approaching it we see taht it has an obviously evil aura that is killing things, and it is using a breath weapon the is discinitgrating things. Not to mention that it is over 30 feet tall.
Lassek: we should do something about that aura
Terran: I've got an idea, take my backpack (limitless fill), I'll coat the inside with sealing wax (he carried everything that he could...including a shovel), [cleric] can fill it with water and then bless the water, then pheonix can drop it from above.
Lassek: (ooc) The holy water balloon of Antioch? :D
We have been battleing this thing for 30 minutes, the vampire has climbed it's back and is tearing a hole in it, Pheonix is our sky-born artillary, the other 4 are on the gound, Zeke up front, Lassek fireing a bow, [cleric] running between them healing, and me off to the side shouting obsenities at it. I should mention at this point that My character has become completely usless in battle other than the fact that I am extremely hard to kill. I have an AC of 44 (though A BBEG never misses me), and the ability to heal myself, and heal ability damage to myself. We've found that the creature's breath weapon drains Intelligence, adn it has a dozen boneyards (libris mortis) that are attackign people. Pheonix has done flybys ramming his boneyards into me (the only things in a half a dozen seesions that actually couldn't hit me) so I have 6 of them on me now, I have in intelligencfe of 8 (it started in the low 30s, it did like 2d8 int damage at a time):
DM: ok, it seems to be falling apart, but looks like it has enough life to finish it's last series of attacks (5 of them). *rolls*2
Me: (ooc) *laugh*
Dm *rols* 2
Me: *laugh harder *
repeat 3 more times, at which point i'm laughing so hard that people are affraid that I was going to suffocate
DM: OK, now lets see waht it attacks with, *many rolls of dice* claw, breath weapon, claw, breath weapon, breath weapon....hmm
give me reflex saves
Fail the first one and I'm down to 2 intellignce, I've been droped to about 4 HP, and then my saving grace *20* DM deems that I only took 1 more Int damage (putting me at 1) and conviniently forgot about the last one. He refuesd to kill characters.
I know long and not terribly funny, I guess the best part was wathcing me on the ground laughing so hard that I was crying, red, and suffocating.
Backstory: Players are ojn a mission to rescue the princess from an ogre that has run back to his lair. (we has some first time players, so it was a warm up to learn the mechanics). They were working their way through the cave/lair. And we come upon a trap room.
Players to note:
Behemoth: DMPC rouge/fighter with 18str
Ton: Dwarf Barbarian
Lafiel: Elf Rogue
Elyk: Gnome Illusionist
So first the find a pressure plate that brings a circular saw blade up from the ground, they figure that they can jump it. The rogue jumps that then finds a tripwire, and disables it. Next is an area that fires needle at anything trying to cross it, then there is an ominous red line 20feet past that, and 20 feet from the door.
Lafial: I can't seem to figure out this trap (14 on disable device)
Behemoth: let me take a look. *jumps plate (5 foot jump)* *Disable device of 22* I think I got it. *pats the rogue on her back pushing her across* Let's go guys.
Elyk: I can't jump very well, how am I going to get across?
Ton: I'll toss ya *grabs him and rolls a strength check of 4*
DM: he lands on the plate, activates the trap, and falls into the saw blade for 3 damage, and is pushed back.
Ton: That didn't work so well, let me patch you up *heal check and get him back to full health (house rule that allows heal check to restore HP, so that the cleric's job isn't only healing). Okay now I'll throw him again *strength check of 6*
Dm: He does the same thing, onnly he bounces past this time.
dwarf then jumps the plate and decides that he is going ton run full speed at the red line.
DM: Spot check
Ton: *rolls low number*
DM: Reflex Save
Ton: *Nat 20*
Dm: Jump check
Ton: *Nat 20*
Dm: as you feel you foot falling through the floor, you cathc the edge of what is a floor and pushb yourself far enough to land near the door.
They realize that it is an illusionary floor that covers a spike pit. Behemoth adds a strength check to people's jump checks (slignshotting them) to get them across the pit. When it gets to the gnome he rolls a natural 20, the Dwarf tries to catch him, and the gnome draws his dagger...and lands in the middle of the dwarf's head.
Fight with ogre, and heading out. The disarmed most of the trap room, removing the illusion on the floor.
Lafial: How do we get back now?
Ton: *turns to Behemoth* Toss me
Behemoth: *pushes Ton into the pit*
Ton lands at the bottom and is impaled on the spikes and is sitting at 1 HP
Behemoth: *helps others across* Ok, I'll get over, then we'll drop a rope to Ton *Natual 1 on Jump check, he's not impales right along side the dwarf*
Currently Behemoth and Ton are about the only ones in our group that have become friends. Everone else is just tolerating eachother. I't pretty funny, Behemoth gets the party to pay him to take Ton drinking, because no on else is willing to babysit the drunken dwarven barbarian.
My DM has a thing for Drow, so you can be assured that in every adventure you're gonna fight Drow, in some form or another.
The party had been sent on a quest to exterminate some goblins infesting a cave near this town, and of course, we enter kill 4 or 5 goblins and get mobbed by Drow, like 10 of 'em.
So we kill the drow and keep moving. We hear something from around a corner and I, being the only player not currently arguing over the rules, sneaks around to get a look at the source of the noise.
DM: "You see a really big monster. It pretty much looks like a Drow with a BIG mouth."
ME: "Oh. So it's a female Drow?" :D
Vincent: "You got a mace, don't you?"
Shiro: "I got Pepper Spray of Blinding."
DM: "Duuuuuh..."
Efin: "I speak to the cat."
DM: "Do you have any racial ability to speak to a cat?"
Efin: "Not unless it burrows."
We had to sneak through a small fort populated by an evil warlord and his lackies and the monks were the only two who could sneak (there was a paladin in the group) so we decided to wrap the paladin in a horse blanket and carry her through the fort.
Another time the toaist monk was doing his tai chi exsersizes on the top of the inn so I though I'd join,, sadly I fail my balance check and hit a rotten spot on the roof falling down into the room where the same female paladin is changeing her clothing.
drunken master: -crashes into the room- ah I'm sorry for dropping in like this
paladin: -just stands there dumbfound-
drunken master: -leaves the room quietly-
We (Lvl 3 party) were in a forest being led by a Ranger(PC). We had encountered undead already and the rogue was following close behind him. The following lines were uttered:
Ran: I hate undead.
Rog: Do you have them for your favored enemy?
Ran: No...
Rog: Then you don't hate them.
DM: Ok the monk goes first. What do you do.
Me flipping to disarm attempt page: Is a baby considered a light weapon for the purpose of a disarm attempt?
Needless to say I succeeded in disarming the kobold wielding baby and no we did not consider it a light weapon.
"A hooker?"
One half of a psion later, they have slaughtered the thieves and they're lesser demon friends, are will soon be fighting the spy and his guards.
DM: (to the rest of the group) you all hear a sudden scream. You turn to see marl rising into the air in what appears to be an aquatic fist, then all of a sudden he's brought under in a large splash. what is everyone doing?
ME: I try to hold my breath and stuggle i suppose.
Paladin: I charge!
Cleric: I go with him to help pull marl out
Wizard: I prepare to cast fireball when they get clear
Barbarian: ....(with a small smirk on his face)
DM: Well?
Barbarian: I pitty the pool....
Everyone:
Says Syrrus: Hi.
The Guards: Hello.
Syrrus:
Could you help us? We're looking for the green furred group's territory.Guards: Sure, go that way.
Syrrus: Thanks
I got bonus XP from the DM for being the first player to EVER try talking to those creatures. :D Everyone else just attacked first and searched the bodies later.
Later, the party manages to **** off a couple of guards.
The guards were raising their weapons to strike when my character, having come into a major windfall, says "Platinum?" While reaching into her moneybag and pulling out a handful of platinum.
The guards let us pass and I got MORE bonus XP.
In the prior campaign:
Orc NPC to my PC necromancer: "Heyyy, I remember you now, you're that wizard I kicked the **** out of in the arena!"
City Guard to the party after we poisoned all the orcs in an orc inn: "No, your not in trouble for killing all the orcs, we just need you to pay a fine for damaging the building."
Party:
"Okay, how much?"In the Iron Kingdoms campaign: (One of two current campaigns, in this one I play a frontline hexblade.) While in a courtyard:
Wizard: If the mafia wanted to kill us for killing one of their own, they wouldn't invite us to a feast in the dead's honor! If they really wanted to kill us all they'd need to do is have a rifle wielding assassin on one of the rooftops and we'd all be dead when he started firing!
Me: I'll make a spot check
Party:
I hope they're as funny here as they were while playing.
***
First encounter with NPC Bard in tavern:
"My name is Bruce O'Bannon, I'm the greatest Bard of all,
And from my head down to my toes I'm over 6 feet tall!
[Chorus]
Bruce O' - BruceO' - Bruuce O' Bannon, I'm the greatest Bard!
Bruce O' - BruceO' - Bruuce O' Bannon, sing with me it's not that hard!
My name is Bruce O' Bannon, I'm the greatest Bard around,
and if you're very lucky I might come and sing in your home town!"
Rogue: I throw my tanglefoot bag at Bruce O'Bannon's face.
"Plane travelling intelligent six-limbed gorilla type things" (I forget the name of the race, It's been a while)
Girallon? Only six-armed ape I know of...
We had a pretty wierd moment in a recent campaign, doubt it can live up to this thread's legacy...
We were playing a heavilly, heavilly modified Sunless Citadel adventure. The party, Taban,(level 3 gnome sorceror, me) Arianna, (Human cleric of pelor 2) Tordek, (Dwarf fighter 2, surprisingly) and Ninja McNinjerton,(the name's a placeholder, we've changed his name since then but I can't seem to remember it.) arrive at the village in the beginning of the module.
The beginning of the adventure:
"Alright, we search the town for any information on the Sunless citadel."
Taban: *Gather Information, rolls low*
DM: well, it seems not many people here know about the citadel.
Arianna: *21*
DM: Except for this old man! He lost two nephews to the citadel, never heard from again. Since then...
Taban: Know anything about Signet Rings?
DM: The old man punches Taban for interrupting, then continues: He advises you not to go there, nobody's ever came out.
Ninjerton: *Rolls high on gather information*
This old man also seems to know something about the sunless citadel. The town seems comprised entirely of old men, which is odd in itself.
Arianna comes up behind the old man.
DM: Arianna startles him. He punches Taban.
Taban:
DM: he mentions he heard a merchant's children recently tried thier luck conquering the citadel, confirming what your client said.
We set off shortly after.
DM: alright, roll 1d8 to determine how long it taks to get there.
Arianna: *2*
DM: two!? Looks like you run all the way there... That means, one day of camp. *rolls d20*
Okay, you're all sleeping here. Tordek has to sleep a few feet away because he stinks. *places Tordy a few squares away* There. A ghostly moaning comes out from the nearby bushes. Roll to see if anyone actually hears it.
Party rolls high enough.
DM: Arianna wakes up.
Arianna: I go wake Tordek
DM: Tordek, you want to get up, or be a jerk?
Tordek: I'll get up, thanks.
Taban: I draw my shortbow and walk over to the bushes.
The rest of the party follows.
DM: A pale figure appears in front of you, she seems young. Spot Check.
DM: She's transparent... On her right hand you notice the Signet Ring you were sent to look for, of course transparent.
Taban: I don't like this...
DM: She demands whether you intend to travel to the Sunless Citadel.
Taban: Nice ring... (for a cha 17, I'm oddly socially inept...)
DM: She punches Taban,
Taban: She's transparent...
DM: Yeah, you've got a face full of ghost fist. Anyways, she demands again if you intend to travel to the Sunless Citadel.
Taban: great, incorporeal touch attacks hurt alot...
Arianna: Yes, that is our destinaion.
Taban:
I ready an action to Magic Missile her if she tries anything.DM: She says that she cannot allow you to travel there and die, emits an ear-piercing scream,
Taban: Now would be a great time to use that readied magic missile...
DM: and vanishes. The sound alerts a nearby troll to your position.
After a few rounds of battle, we escaped the troll.
While traveling, you notice an armored man blocking your way. He doesn't seem that strong, and speaks with a trembling voice. It's my duty to guard this path. You cannot pass to the Citadel. Spot Checks. *party rolls high* you notice his armor bears the symbol of Pelor. *pause* A shame your more religious party members don't have a common ground to work off of...
Arianna: Hey, I worship Pelor!
Taban: Um...Nice...symbol?
DM: He seemes impressed, but punches Taban nonetheless. Diplomacy checks so we can skip the horrible dialogue. (party rolls high enough to get through.) He steps aside.
Tordek: Does he have any advice for us?
Taban: He already gave us advice: Stay away.
DM replaces the paladin's mini with that of a large silver dragon.
Party:
Dragon: My advice is that if I feel threatened by what lies through here, you'd best turn back.
We go on anyways despite protests from McNinjerton and me, eventually coming to a stairwell. Coming down, we come into a large winding stairway, cracked at parts. DM calls for balance checks from the party. (aside from me, small size rocks)
Tordek: 19.
DM: Tordek ballet dances across.
Mcninjerton: 18, plus 6 ranks in balance and +3 dexterity
DM: Wow, Mcninjerton hops on one hand across. Spot checks. *Rolls high again.*
You see two holes on a nearby wall, and what seems to be a pressure place in front.
Taban: I cast mage hand and press down on the panel.
DM: Two bloody spears pop out, and lock.
Taban: I know this sounds really random, but I cut one of the spears off and keep it. I need a melee weapon.
All:
Taban: :embarrass I clean it with Prestidigation...
DM: Alright, something's climbing up the wall at an incredible pace. You might want to run.
After a bit of running, DM places what seems to be a very bulky, large size Drow on the map behind us. CR 15. Turns out this is a bridge over the Underdark. After escaping, we find ourselves in a circular room.
Taban: Begins messing with character sheet.
DM: What are you doing?
Taban: Adding a last name. Taban Injuredface.
DM: Well, it's origional... The monster seems to have stopped, you hear its footsteps retreating.
Taban: Something a CR 15 is afraid of... We skirt the room, trying to avoid the hole.
DM: Move silently.
*Tordek and his scale mail roll low, along with Arianna.*
DM: *Pulls out beholder mini.*
Taban: You're kidding, right?
He wasn't kidding. As an act of DM mercy, We escaped with only a petrification ray in the foot to show for it. Arianna will be fully petrified in 8 days unless we can find a scroll. After all this, we've just reached the actual citadel.
In case the above seemed like a rant, it's not. We all had a blast.
player1: why haven't you thrown anything with the fear ability against us yet?
me:*big smile*
player2: good thing i have immunity to fear
me: what how? *grabs his char. sheet and begins looking it over* no actually you have a -1 modifier to your will save against them
p2: yup
me: no thats bad...for you
p2:................im blinking(as in ring of blink)
different party not of our own. The big bad guy decides to call a bunch of zombies. My guy
has a great Dex, but no Str, and so im trying to shoot these zombies. One gets too close
and I start freaking out
and start yelling "Help!", etc... cause he got one good attack on me and we were still very low level. One of the other characters in my party yells at
me "CLIMB A TREE!" and the next thing that came out of my mouth will forever haunt me at
any game that I play with these people... I yelled "OH YEAH, ZOMBIES CAN'T CLIMB
TREES!!!" They bring that up every time...
Its a bit sad really but we've started taking bets on how long it takes for one party members character to die again.
He's an okay player but he simply doesn't think about things properly so its always a matter of time before he dies again.
This session happened just after the release of Ep III, and was set up by the GM so that this particular session would take place in the same period of time as the movie. One player had yet to see the new movie (tied up with relatives), and made us swear not to reveal any particulars (except for stuff already revealed by the other 5 movies).
We were in the middle of a deep strike mission on the Outer Rim. The player in question (a Jedi Consulor) was leading a team of ARC troopers through a narrow ravine in preperation for an attack on a Seperatist base. At one point he saw one of the troopers speaking to a hooded figure on a holoscan.
[Player]: What's the hooded figure saying?
[GM]:
Make a listen check.[Player]: /rolls dice
[GM]: /writes something and hands it to Player
[Player]:
...I ask the trooper what 'Order 66' is?The rest of the group couldn't keep the snickers down at that point.
Most amazing part: the Jedi Consulor survives the session.
Gnashenjaw: Oh Oh Oh! It's a phone! I run up and pick up the receiver!
DM: It's not a phone... there is no receiver...
Gnashenjaw: I punch in some random numbers and see who awnsers!
DM: Fine... The phone rings, I rough voice on the other end says, "Hello?"
Gnashenjaw: I ask, "Who is this?"
DM: It's Morpheous.... Follow the white rabbit...
Just as A side note we normally do role-play but for this we didn't. We all laughed hysterically for 10 minutes after the joke was made and eventually we did find a white rabbit in the dungeon, we followed him into a trap where we all died, except the bunny which turned out to be an illiusion made by a evil wizard who resided in the dungeon and used the "Phone" to trick us. That DM had a good talent for taking random events, even ones that came up during play and warping them into the plot with little effort...
I was playing a DnD game with somes friends of mine and Our DM had us in some temple. We found an artifact sitting on a alter, the artifact was powered by arcane magic coming from a the soul of some dead archmagi underneath the floor so a wire ran from the artifact into the floor. When the DM described the artifact he made it look like a phone so One player ran up and well...
Gnashenjaw: Oh Oh Oh! It's a phone! I run up and pick up the receiver!
DM: It's not a phone... there is no receiver...
Gnashenjaw: I punch in some random numbers and see who awnsers!
DM: Fine... The phone rings, I rough voice on the other end says, "Hello?"
Gnashenjaw: I ask, "Who is this?"
DM: It's Morpheous.... Follow the white rabbit...
Just as A side note we normally do role-play but for this we didn't. We all laughed hysterically for 10 minutes after the joke was made and eventually we did find a white rabbit in the dungeon, we followed him into a trap where we all died, except the bunny which turned out to be an illiusion made by a evil wizard who resided in the dungeon and used the "Phone" to trick us. That DM had a good talent for taking random events, even ones that came up during play and warping them into the plot with little effort...
That's pretty creative to make that work with DnD... hehehe see what your friend gets for trying to put a phone into that time period, they really are devices of evil withcraft!!
I'd like to play with that group.The party - human paladin, human fighter, human monk, goblin ranger - has just finished a small bar fight with a local thug, in which the ranger's only contribution is bashing his own forehead with the pommel of his scimitar (nat. 1). The human inn/barkeep and ogress barmaid give the party free drinks after the thug is taken out by the guard, but the goblin would rather get a room and nap off his headache. The ogress comes over with a concerned expression, pats the goblin gently on the head, then picks him up bodily and carries him off to a bedroom.
Ranger: ....
Paladin: :D He's in.
I am playing a female human rogue. We are in a inn having some drinks. At some point a draw the attention of the inn keeper and instead of asking hem : "Refill please", my character said: "Fill me up please!" :embarrass . It still hunts me...
It still hunts me...
Assuming you mean "like a ghost" rather than "like a Ranger", the word's Haunts. Funny though. ^_^
Last session - we're in the belly of a supercollosal elven ship with trees and a village and an artificial sun to move across its artificial sky. My scottish fighter (yay claymores) rushes the side of the ship at "sunrise", makes a few flying leaps at the projection of the sun, manages to plant both feet on the hull at the same time -
Gregory: Ah'm warkin' on sunshiiine, wooo! Ah'm warkin' on sunshiiine, woo-wooo, an' dun it feel goot!
DM: *sigh*
Elven Children: Duh, we already TRIED that. It doesn't do anything.
Gregory: Ach, gimme a break, ah'm new here.
I am Dutch, but we like to rollplay in English because the books are in English and it sounds more 'cool' in English.
I am playing a female human rogue. We are in a inn having some drinks. At some point a draw the attention of the inn keeper and instead of asking hem : "Refill please", my character said: "Fill me up please!" :embarrass . It still hunts me...
We have these things at times as well. Especially jokes that are funny when you know both Dutch and English, but not when you're just English :-)
...I ask the trooper what 'Order 66' is?
There was one origionally posted on the 'monsters' board, though not by me. Sorry, I forget names within a minute of hearing them...
There was this DM who wanted an exotic challenge for his party, so he decides to make his own monster to throw them off. A giant bird of some kind has been ravaging a nearby town, now almost in ruins. The desparate villagers call for the party's aid. He looks up a bunch of birds, and decides to base it off the Rhea. However, a rhea isn't that intimidating to a level three party, so naturally, he makes it a dire animal. After a bit of work, the monster is finished. Until now, he's been so bogged down with stats and the like he never really read the name to himself... the Dire Rhea.
Another poster responded with a conversation between the party:
Fighter: Wow, what could create such destruction? (oxymoron)
Villager: It was an attack of the Dire Rhea.
Fighter: Wha?
Villager: Yeah, it was a pretty nasty attaack.
Rogue: So, will you tell us who sent you?
Assassin: *Spit* Why would I tell you? I have SOME honor...
Rogue: Some what?
Everyone else:
Rogue: What? *really doesn't know OOC*
Everyone:
In the depths of the underground desert lair of the frindish super troll bandit leader we were all arguing over who should go scout behind what we suspected was the finall door of the dungeon.
"we should send our bard, he has really good sneaking skills."
"dude our group has a rogue, he is far better for this"
"yeah but he is an idiot, he has screwed up everytime hasn't he?"
the rogue "not my fault they don't listen to my advice"
us "thats cause your advice is always 'run away'"
"so are we sending the bard or not?"
after about five minutes of arguing i interupt the dissvussion with a very loud "I pick up morgan (the gnome rogue), open the door and toss him in. end of disscussion"
the dm looks a little paniced for a moment and says "umm. yeah... *roll, roll, roll* you hear some screaming from the other side of the door, and the sound of many many claws on stone, and you think you can hear morgan sobbing like a little girl."
*silent pause*
"i manefest strength of the land, biofeedback to give myself plus ten to strength, and immovability. Then i hold the door shut. Get the half giants behind me to help."
the look on morgans face when he realized we wern't coming to help was priceless.
-----
While running a planescape game one of our new players (the wife of a current player and total dnd noob) was playing a druid overly fond of both daylight spells and obscuring mist spells. While fighting in the basement of a local pub against smoke rats and were rats a few of the were rats managed to escape back into a sewer grate in the rear of the room. running over to that grate...
Druid "i look in the grate to see where the wererats went"
DM "you can't see them"
Druid "Is it dark in the sewers?"
me "No it shines with the light of the noonday sun!"
the fact that there was no missing a beat and that i had been annoyed with her casting half a dozen daylight spells already that session (we were using spell points) got everyone rolling.
-----
and yes there was a setup to this one, but since its just shouted out randomly in pretty much every game we have had since... espcially during akward silences here you go.
Demon Prince: "I have Finished the gnome buffet, LEAVE US! I must make poop now!"
the joke was i hadn't ment to say US... implying that someone else was stickign around for this... event.
About halfway to town I remember a little trick Hannibal used in the alps on some rocks. By cramming salt into slits of rocks he managed to break them apart without too much trouble.
So my character turned around and went back to the dungeon while the rest of the party went to get the towns local gun-nut and explosives maniac.
Efin by the time they got back to the dungeon I was sitting there next to the pile of rubble that was once an impassable boulder.
I (and my character) s****ed all the way through the dungeon and refused to tell them in character what had transpired with the boulder.
We have these things at times as well. Especially jokes that are funny when you know both Dutch and English, but not when you're just English :-)
This reminds me of when I got annoyed at my friend and said in Hebrew "I don't speak English". He kept misunderstanding what I was saying (he doesn't speak the language) and eventually I said "No, I said I don't speak English!".
Then I realized that I would need to speak English to know that he didn't know what I was saying.
Um, can I ask why your DM has a preoccupation with NPCs (even ghostly NPCs) punching your character in the face? Seems really bizarre...
Our expert rogue blew it on disabling a trap and a giant boulder came rolling towards us in a narrow corridor. We ran like hell and managed to climb back up the ladder but now the only corridor to our goal was blocked and we had to get back into town to get gunpowder to blow the rock away.
About halfway to town I remember a little trick Hannibal used in the alps on some rocks. By cramming salt into slits of rocks he managed to break them apart without too much trouble.
So my character turned around and went back to the dungeon while the rest of the party went to get the towns local gun-nut and explosives maniac.
Efin by the time they got back to the dungeon I was sitting there next to the pile of rubble that was once an impassable boulder.
I (and my character) s****ed all the way through the dungeon and refused to tell them in character what had transpired with the boulder.
How does that work?
Being the party healer, AKA a druid with a wand of Cure light wounds.
One party member, the goblin.... Bought it at a temple of olidamara. Not a really smart act. Because everytime we use it something silly happens.
Rainbow colored afro wigs, wolves looking like french poodles and of course...Pink Tutus.
I healed myself with said wand and was awarded with a pink Tutu and most of the party starts to s****. So I raise my wand. And warn them.....
"The next one who s****s won't be getting any healing in combat."
Even the players where scared!
First the evil one. The usual players were me (a cleric/necro going for true necro), the favored soul, the barbarian, and the psion.
On this particular occasion however we had with us, our friend, Keith. AKA WTE: worst thief ever. With his daring ability to be thrown in prisons and roll 1s on hide/move silently at the worst possible times. He was playing another rogue (cause it made us laugh).
We encountered a bridge with a barbarian guarding it and killed him for no reason. We find an insignia showing he was working for someone and decide to go on a random evil tangent and kill whoever was giving out those nifty insignias. Logic wasn't this party's strong suit.
My character is left at the end of the town with the horses because the zombies biting people probably wouldn't go over well. The rogue and bunch go to the bar to try and get some information.
Favored: Hello barkeep, we're looking for whoever this insignia represents. ::tosses the insignia on the table::
Barkeep: Hmm, I saw a hooded man who came in here a few times a month... this symbol was on the back of the cloak he wore.
Favored: Did he happen to have a bodyguard at anytime?
Barkeep: Yeah, he usually had some hired muscle with him.
Now, Keith wanted to ask if the hired muscle was the same guy everytime or not, but what he said was...
Rogue: Did the guard happen to change color?
IC discussion halted for a second at the obsurdity of the statement.
DM:
What the &^*@?! Keith, what does that even MEAN?!Keith (semi IC): Uh, DISTRACTION! ::runs out of the bar and back towards the horses, knocking them and the zombies over::
Peasant: OMG! That halfling just killed those horseman!
Necro: No, it's ok, they were already dead.
Peasant: Oh, ok.. WHAT?!
::Bob Zombie takes this opportunity to take a bite out of the horse he landed on, causing quite a huccus as zombies, horses, and townfolk run every which way::
Keith/Rogue: (I don't know if this was IC or OOC) Who wants a cheekbone ride?
Damn you Supertroopers! If not for you I wouldn't have understood.
We had to wait twenty minutes to calm down after WTE's latest example of where he got his name. ;)
The second one wasn't an IC line, but was just so strange...
Our DM armed one of the NPCs with a ring that shot a gout of fire when held up.
Our party, consisting of five players this session, jumped on that like a hobo on a ham sandwich. With no discussion.
M: Fire!
Me: Heart!
O: Wind!
Z: Water!
K: Earth!
All in unison: GO PLANET! With our powers combined I am CAPTAIN PLANET!
Then we sang the entire theme song, everyone in unison, no one missed a word, and our DM... well.. this smilie says it well... :OMG!
The DM raised the dragon we ran into later's age category by one because of that one...
Hannibal putted salt in the cracks of the bolders. After that he poured water over the boulders, or it started to rain, I am not sure. The salt started to swell and the pressure crumbled the boulders.
Not salt, actually, but vinegar. The rocks were heated using a big bonfire, then rapidly cooled by pouring sour wine on them, which weakened them enough to be broken up with picks. Other ancient methods included driving wooden wedges into a groove in the rock, then filling the groove with water so the wedges expand as they absorb the water (an Egyptian trick) and filling a similar groove with water during the winter so it freezes and expands to split the rock.
The DM raised the dragon we ran into later's age category by one because of that one...
You deserved that! I hate that song.
But still OMG!
Lich: Alright, now that I have you all tied up and about to die, I want to squeeze some more fun out of the situation. Right now, that involves you (points at Bard) to sing me an epic tale of my deeds of killing you all right now.
Before the Bard sings anything, his player realizes that low-wiz means low listen check.
Bard(To DM, OOC) I want to use my bluff skill to make it impossible for the Lich to hear the last two words of the first verse.
DM: Alright? Ok, you make it, for some reason.
Bard: Excellent. The first verse goes, "Here is the tale of Mike Jones..."
Lich (and the DM, who is catching on): Who?
Bard(In a Leeroy Jenkins like voice): Mike Jones!
Lich: Who?
Bard (Same voice again, and everytime Mike Jones is said): Mike Jones!
Lich: Who?
Bard: Mike Jones!
This went on for a long time. But By God it was hilarious.
Now the plot circled around a single city, during the freezing winter and snowed in of course, and in this city was a thieve's guild that was going to pull off the ULTIMATE job.
Steal all of the presents, and sell them to a rival city for a fortune. Not to mention keep some of the choicer presents for their own pleasure and use! This is possible because it is city tradition to lock up all the presents in the king's throne room under a colossal pine tree (prettied up with decorations) until the joyous day of celebration.
Now there is ONE man who knew that this was coming.
For he knows whom is naughty and whom is nice.
Thus in a tavern, chuggin' on hot cocoa; a paladin officer, an elven archmage on vacation, a lumberjack fighter, and the rogue-mage (on parole); were given a job offer to prevent the theft of the presents by a mysterious man in red.
Now since no one in the group trusted the rogue-mage to NOT steal the presents, they gave him the job of scouting out the thieve's guild.
After learning the guilds entire plan and time-table, the rogue-mage decided on a course of action. After reporting his findings to his buddies, he went off on to his workshop (where he makes all of his thieving devices and magical wonders) and made...a red suit. Along with more than a few scrolls of Shrink Object.
---Operation Day Before Christmas---
Now the some upstanding guards had been forewarned of the guild's plot, however the group couldn't convince the guards to let them into the throne room in order to better protect the presents.
Let us all remember rule number one concerning Arcane Tricksters.
Not Lawful.
At this time, I brought in my cd player, and placed in a burnt Christmas Disk, and played a special song.
The rogue-mage had a few words changed as he sang to himself.
OOC however, the rest of the group started improvising as well.
You're a nutcase, Mr. Raz.
You really love to steal.
You're as sane as a cactus,
You're slicker than eel.
Mr. Raz.
You're a bad banana
Hey where did that banana go?
You're a monster, Mr. Raz.
Your heart's uncatchable.
Your brain is full of chaos,
You've got caffeine in your soul.
Mr. Raz.
I couldn't catch you, with a
chocalate-covered-apple-pie!!!
You're a sneak, Mr. Raz.
You have mithril in your smile.
You have all the back-bone
Of a lovesick ferret.
Mr. Raz.
Given the choice between the two of you
I'd take the lovesick ferret.
I'll cut it off there, since the rest of the words somehow turned rather risque by the end of the song.
To make things short, by the time the group's fight with the guild took them into the throne-room, Spot checks were made all around. Only the paladin missed it.
Paladin: I SMITE YOU IN THE NAME OF....hey, what's with that look on your face? What are all of you staring at? Is there something behind me?
Everyone saw that there were no presents, tree, throne, tapestry, decorations, doorknobs, nor much of anything really. Not even stockings on the mantle of the chimney.
Except for one small envelope.
Inside was one simple message.
"Stole Christmas, Saved for Later, I Fully Anticipate Coal.
Nobody's
The Rogue-Mage"
The Paladin had this to say.
Paladin:
Lumberjack: Well aren't you jolly this Christmas.
Archmage: With this job a bust, if you excuse me, I've got find some Ho Ho Ho's.
Half an Hour later, the throne room is closed and empty of people, the thieve's guild has given up it's anticipated theft. And the Rogue-Mage comes out of a Rope-Trick spell; climbs up into the chimney, grabs a Bag of Holding he had tucked away, and starts putting everything back to how he found it.
---Christmas Day---
By now, the whole city has learned of the theft, and disappeared is the rogue-mage. After all, he stole Christmas.
Or at least it seemed so, until one of the royals went into the throne room and discovered nothing missing.
So everyone becomes happy, holiday goes on schedule, and the Lumberjack makes the following commentary.
Lumberjack: You know, just for once, I wished the rogue-mage would tell us when he's going to pull a stunt like this.
Paladin: He wouldn't because he doesn't follow the law.
Lumberjack: But he stole everything to protect it from the thieves guild. Then returned it. He broke the law to protect the gifts. And now those gifts are showing people how other people feel for them. Their joy at knowing each other, that joy of friendship and love and family.
Paladin: So you're saying it's GOOD that he stole all of those presents?
Lumberjack: Maybe.
Paladin: ...I'll bite my tongue and throw some snowballs.
Lumberjack:
That's our cheery pessimist!---meanwhile---
Rogue-Mage tied upside down, hanging from the ceiling in his room at an inn. The inn-keeper's daughter comes in to clean but goes
at seeing Raz. The rogue-mage calmly extends an arm with a candy cane in hand.Rogue-Mage: Hello. Would you like a candy cane? And Merry Christmas!
Inn-Keeper's Daughter: Wha.....where did you get the candy cane?
Rogue-Mage: From the same big fat guy that tied me up here.
If it doesn't seem funny, it's probably because it might be considered a 'had-to-be-there-moment' bit.
Well that's all for now. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!
There was this DM who wanted an exotic challenge for his party, so he decides to make his own monster to throw them off. He looks up a bunch of birds, and decides to base it off the Rhea. However, a rhea isn't that intimidating to a level three party, so naturally, he makes it a dire animal. After a bit of work, the monster is finished. Until now, he's been so bogged down with stats and the like he never really read the name to himself... the Dire Rhea.
Classic!
I was in an Eberron campaign and my character (sorcerer about to prestige into a windright captain) with the aid of two others (a ninja and a shifter) successfully beat the "bad guys" and took over their air ship. We still had two party members on the ground, a half-giant and a cleric. The air ship could only drop so slow before it started hitting treetops, so we had to figure out a way for the other two to come up. I hadn't acquired fly yet and I didn't want to cast levitate twice as it would burn up too many of my available spells and we still had a full day ahead of us (I couldn't use it to bring up both members at once due to too much weight). We tried to get the half-giant to climb a tree to reach the rope ladder, but he was unsuccessful.
After much discussion, everyone decided that we would all go down and enter the nearby temple through the front door instead of the roof. The ninja leapt over the side of the air ship and used a feather fall talisman to land safely. The shifter still had wings enough to fly from an earlier shift so he flew down. I was feeling good after our recent battle, so I decided to do something "cool" ("cool" often means "stupid"). Naturally I would have to cast levitate to lower myself to the ground, but to save time I figured I would simply leap over the side and then cast it.
Well, I failed my concentration check. As I readied my second attempt the ninja grabbed another feather fall talisman and leaped up into the air to meet me. As he did that, the half-giant grew to large size and leap under me to cushion my fall. I managed to cast levitate on the second attempt, but I was only 20ft off the ground at that point, so it didn't do much except help stop me cold when I hit ten. The ninja did manage to hit me with the talisman, but again, not in time to have any real effect. The half-giant did cushion the blow somewhat; I basically had to take something like 18d6 worth of damage for the fall, but 4 of it went to the ninja and 6 of it went to the half-giant, leaving me 6d6. Luckily, I rolled low so I only took 18 points of damage, but considering I only had 17 to begin with, I was down for the count.
The cleric stabilized and then healed me as the ninja and the half-giant (who was still recovering from an encounter with a wolf that did a lot of damage) were licking their wounds. Once I awoke and got my bearings, I looked up at the air ship and then at the rest of the party and said, "Remind me not to do that again." The half-giant grunted, "If you ever do that again, I'll kill you myself!"
Me: You are startled to see a tall old female with Green warty skin and long stringy white hair. She's dressed in a strange red suit trimmed with white fur.
Party:
Me: She has a large bag over her shoulder which she drops and opens as she nears you.
Party:
Me: She grumbles something about Adventurers never being where they are supposed to be, then reaches into her bag and hands each of you a small box wrapped in colorful paper and topped with a large colorful bow. She then turns around and walks back down the corridor.
Party:
What the just happened?Me: Surely you've heard of Carol the Ancient Yuletide Troll......
Party:
Amazingly not only did they let me live, the visit by Carol has become an annual tradition.
DM: Okay, having removed the Wall of Stone you find yourselves over a pit leading into what you presume is the underdark, 20 feet in diamater, of unknown depth.
Drow: I have 120' darkvision, is that any better?
DM: You know it's at least 120.
Drow: Yeech.
Rogue: (after much argument) I drop a tindertwig.
DM: Alright, it gets about...200 feet before it goes out.
Paladin: I drop a rock and listen for it.
DM: Okay, listen checks...you don't hear an echo, or at least, nothing distinct enough to be a definite clatter of it hitting bottom, certainly too distorted to judge the distance.
Drow: I drop a sunrod.
DM:Alright. It falls for quite a while and lands about a thousand feet below. To make it easier, exactly a thousand feet below.
The party made various plans - dug through their party pool, found a single Immovable Rod. Shook their evoker at it, figured Levitate would be a suboptimal choice. The monk suggested Slow Fall until he realized that was only good for the FIRST 20', not the LAST. There was a suggestion of trying to flood the room below and dive - ultimately they wound up spooling together 1000' or rope scrounged from the mostly-friendly town of beggars and thieves. To my knowledge at 30th level they still had "1000' of crappy rope". Then they had to decide whether to try and climb down with it anchored to the immovable rod, try to pulley it over the immovable rod, or what - finally the stronger players climbed down, leaving the monk to lower the others on a makeshift 1000' winch. Amazingly they all survived, leaving the Monk at the top with an immovable rod and a thousand feet of crap rope. And the party pool. Containing a potion of feather fall.
Monk: I click off the immovable rod.
Party:
But, you could just lower your-or anchor it to-Monk: And I jump, drawing the potion on my way down.
DM:
Umm, okay...make a concentration check. DC, lets see, you're trying to drink a potion, while counting out your hangtime (mercifully if carelessly calculated in advance by the rogue), while the potion tries simultaneously to fall up out of your grasp and its contents try to fly past your head and likewise to freedom...30?Monk: Ummmmmmm....oh, wow, I did put ranks in it. Okay, uhh...well...what does a 23 get me? Oh, and do I get a bonus because I can see the sunrod approaching?
Party:
DM: Y-yeah...okay, so with the ground fast approaching you decide to err on the side of caution and you guzzle the potion a second too early. You start to feather fall at 100 feet...that brings you down to 40 feet in a round...you slowfall another twenty before your hand loses contact with the wall...roll a tumble?
Monk: 23 again.
DM: Yeah, you negate 10' of fall damage, so you take *rolls* 3 damage. Congratulations, you successfully survived base jumping INTO THE UNDERDARK!
Drow: (ooc)How exactly does he manage to keep a lawful alignment...?
But I was being nice to him. Now when he threw a Light'ed copper piece into the Kuo Toan ocean and narrowly survived bringing their Leviathan's wrath on the party, that cost him a bit...
Okay, we were playing a 20th level game. The DM had decided to whip out the Tarrasque on our way to fight "bigger and badder" things. Oh, by the way, the Cleric had the Protection domain and the Saint template. The combat went something like this:
.
.
.
Needless to say, it was one of the more funny moments (especially considering that the DM mentioned he had wanted to include some plane-hopping the day before; I don't think he had just that particular situation in mind).
I'm just wondering, is that cleric avaliable for marriage anytime soon? lmao :D
DM: Your land your ship on a beach, barely surving the sahaguin attack. Looking at the damage you see many holes in your hull. Do any of you have Ranks in Carpentry?
Me: No, but i shapechange into JESUS!
A lot of rogue-mage awesomeness
You win the internet. If I ever had a player of that type in one my games, I could die happy.
DM: Corinne grabs the doorknob with the shirt.
Druid: Corinne pulls with her moderate strength.
DM: Corinne tugs at the door with all her might, but fails to open the door.
DM: Intelligence check, Corinne.
GameServ: Corinne rolled 1d20: 7
DM: And you have no idea why you can't open the door, Corinne.
Druid: I'm not smart enough to turn the doorknob first, am I...
DM: Yep.
And another one involving a minor mispelling and a rowboat:
Barbarian: *jumps on the docks and give his hand to the ladies*
Druid: Corinne grasps Vizz's manly hand, and holds it as she excites the boat.
Druid: Er... I mean EXITS the boat.
DM: WHAT are you doing to that BOAT?!?!?!
Druid: After all, the boat *IS* made of wood...
Barbarian: Maybe there's a manly figure on the boat.
DM: BWAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAA!
DM: I'm crying, for heaven's sake!
--------****-------****-------
One of my friends is playing an intelligent but inexperienced and somewhat clueless Ranger, age 14. I'm playing a Dwarf Monk, age 51. Our party just got "together" for the first time, and he asked about the attire of our Wizard and our Sorcerer.
Ranger: "Why are they wearing dresses?"
Monk: "I dunno. Maybe they just go 'that way'."
Ranger: "Which way is that?"
Monk: (Surprised) "Uh.... Northeast?"
So, after he asks the spellcasters why they like Northeast, we now laugh over every time we have to go some specific direction. "Gotta head Northeast? HAHAHA!"
Maybe you had to be there.
Brian
Our expert rogue blew it on disabling a trap and a giant boulder came rolling towards us in a narrow corridor. We ran like hell and managed to climb back up the ladder but now the only corridor to our goal was blocked and we had to get back into town to get gunpowder to blow the rock away.
About halfway to town I remember a little trick Hannibal used in the alps on some rocks. By cramming salt into slits of rocks he managed to break them apart without too much trouble.
So my character turned around and went back to the dungeon while the rest of the party went to get the towns local gun-nut and explosives maniac.
Efin by the time they got back to the dungeon I was sitting there next to the pile of rubble that was once an impassable boulder.
I (and my character) s****ed all the way through the dungeon and refused to tell them in character what had transpired with the boulder.
Actually, that trick involved pouring vinegar into the rocks after they'd been heated.
ring to let him last all night, and tried it out along with some herbs he'd gotten from the temple. (Unknown to Kaufik, the herbs caused pregnancy to pass VERY quickly.)In the morning everyone got up and Kaufik was missing, but he showed up soon enough, running frantically toward the mansion with a group of about 60 angry women hot on his heels - each carrying a newborn.
Pip took in the scene, and with a scowl and a stern tone, said, "You have brought shame on my home!"
"And babies... lots of babies."DM: You see a doorway. The dor is closed.
Me: I open the door.
Fighter: I'm going to punch the door down!
He proceedes to throw himself through the door, and land on his face.
After helping him up, we came to an arch way. Nothing about a door.
DM: You see a simple archway...
Fighter, most likely in an effort to prove that he could do something right: I'm going to punch the door down!
He landed on his face again. On our way through, the party stepped on him, adding insult to injury. I believe (Remember, we were kids...) that he lost most of his HP then, and died in the next fight. Against goblins.
So they decided to send me up the stairs first since I was the rogue and did that sort of stuff.
Me: I hope they don't have crossbows or something and shoot...crossbows...at...me...
Cleric: You mean bolts?
Me: Yeah, those things.
Fighter: Man, I'd like one of those crossbows. The strings on those must be huge!
DM: Funny you should mention that...what's your AC?
Me: *bangs head on table
Funny thing is that I didn't get hit. And they were throwing sling bullets. So I stabbed them.
Not D&D, because our backup DM didn't show up, but an offshoot.
High-ranking store staff woman, regarding my character: "A third-grade fire mage. Tell me that doesn't scare you!"
Dwarf- Aye
Druid- What?
Dwarf- Huh?
Druid- You What?
Dwarf- What do you mean?
Druid- You said "I"...
Dwarf- What's your point?
Druid- Finish your sentence.
It went on like this for a while. It was like freaking Abott and Castello. Pretty Funny stuff. :D
dm: what spells do you have prepared
p1: I dont have any prepared
dm: what's your domain?
p1: huh?
dm:
p1: oh, ok, I get it now
dm: so, what's your wisdom
p1: 13
dm and me: WTF???? What are your best stats ( in unison)
p1: lemme get my sheet, uh two 15's
dm and me: where'd you put them.... STR AND DEX ! Are you kidding!?!?! LOL!!!!
then, we were in a room being assaulted by large insects, and this wierd ogre. i throw alchemists fire on the ogre and use my blink shirt ability to blink out of the room, the raptoran cleric flys up into the corner of the room and drops the party's collective supply of latern oil, that'd be about 6 pints. it covers the whole room...except the corners, the explosion sent glass and oil flying out of the door, it, luckily stopped right before me. The cleric then says, I create water to put out the oil fire! My dm and I laugh our asses of, he doesnt get it but then he realizes that it's not the best idea and just flies out of the tall wooden doors
THE END!
I was DMing once, and one of my players asked if he could have Craft: Disturbing Mental Images as one of his skills. Y'know, maybe I shouldn't tell this story...
So something like this came up, then? Nice.
moments after entering they come down a hallway and to a door.
just a regular wooden door...
me: as you come down the hallway you see a closed door.
dwarven cleric: dont open it, its probably trapped or something
monk: ok so what do we do.
rouge: what kind of door is it?
me: ... :| its a door. its made of wood, its about 7' tall and has a door knob
sorcerer: well go pick the lock
rouge: no way its probably trapped, cast detect magic on it
cleric : ....rolls high...yes what happens
me: you cast the spell, nothing happens you dont notice anything about the door.
sorcerer and monk: but he got like an 18 wtf
rouge: it might be too strong
me (trying to hint) ok it might not be magical at all...its just a door
cleric: well try to see if theres a trap in it!
rouge: ok i try to detect a trap ...rolls....a nice roll
me: you dont find anything interesting...its just a regular door
sorcerer: damnit so how do we get in
monk: lets break it down
cleric: yeah
monk rolls rolls very low doing very slight damage to the door.
me: you punch the door and it just gives a loud bang
dwarf: ill use my ax
rolls low also
me: (getting frustrated cause i dont feel like telling them to just open the fricken door.) you chop into the door and make a small hole
cleric: sweet
sorcerer: look to see whats on the other side
they all take turns looking
ALL OF THEM
me: ok you see a wall on the other side....
monk: (to rouge) hey try and see if you can find something on the other side of the hole like a trap or something
rouge: rolls
me: you still dont find any sort of trap, its just a regular wooden door.
rouge: im going to try and pick the lock from the other side
me: (thinking oh my god the fricken thing isnt even locked)
rolls..... fails
Me: you fumble with your lock pick and dont accomplish anything
(eventually the monk and the cleric manage to destroy the door.)
me: finally thank god, seriously it was just a damn regular unlocked non magical wooden door. what the hell are you guys going to do when i throw something serious at you.
monk: dude you made it too hard
me:........
we all had a pretty good laugh about that
so we try to avoid doors whenever possible
the bad thing is the very next door they found
they just quickly ran into the room
unfortuneatly it was a room full of goblin were rats
the sorcerer ate it and the rest of them had to carry the unconscious monk out of there cause he wasnt good at fighting, the rouge had managed to shoot himself with and arrow and the dwarf kept getting posioned.
thief: Hand over your watch.
character: (places hand over watch and looks at him like
thief:
The thief laughs so hard, he decides the experience was worth more than the watch, and leaves the guy alone.
NOW FOR THE REALLY FUNNY PART!!
True story. I'm the would-be victim. :D
me (DM): There's a skinny man in a tan shirt crouched over something (BBEG), he appears to be using some sort of tool. He's got a scabbard on his belt.
Edwin (Rogue): I sneak attack him with my masterwork short sword.
me: uh, okay, roll for hit
he rolls a clear hit
Edwin: okay that's 3d6+2 damage...
Edwin: *rolls* ...
We all laugh a little at the look on his face
Edwin: Five.
We all laugh a lot more at his misfortune.
me: You stab him in the back, glancing the blade off his shoulder.
BBEG: *stands, draws rapier* You'll pay for that, knave!
Parrak (Pirate standing on the other side of the room): OH *****!
Edwin: *runs away*
Parrak: *runs away*
They both get outside the building with the BBEG following them.
Parrak: What's the closest building I'm familiar with to here?
*I hand him the map of town
Parrak: I'm heading to the brothel (very close). I slap 10 gold on the counter, grab the first girl who looks decent and head into the back as fast as I can.
Edwin: OOC You're doing what?!?
Delirium has a huge crush on Lukas.
One night, after camping out with watches (Lukas and Brennel on different shifts) Lukas wakes up to find his side covered in halfling sized handprints.
Lukas: What the ****? Why are there halfling sized handprints on me?
Brennel: Beats me.
Lukas: Great, now I have to worry about a touchy feely halfling AND Delirium.
And Lukas is taking Leadership soon. His Cohort will be Althea, his old girlfriend, with whom he parted with on GOOD terms. It's going to be FUN!!!
Oh yeah. The soulknife in the party? He took on a bruiser type enemy that was in manacles AND shackles. And lost. In front of witnesses. He now has the nickname Headbutt!
And then there's Shannon Harpell. "I'm Shannon Harpell. Definitely, definitely, Shannon Harpell." Thank goodness he's an NPC and not in the party.
There's also Jar Jar. Yes, we do have an NPC named Jar Jar. Thankfully, he too does not travel with the party.
And the ever present running gag about Lukas, the Warlock:
"He's evil, He worships Velsharoon."
Lukas: I'm NOT evil, I only get my power from Velsharoon! Cast Detect Evil on me to check if you want! Better yet, cast Detect Good!
There's just one last thing. A quote from Lukas, from the last session, said while on a 100 foot boat. "I'm going to try to shoot down the Delayed Blast Fireball bead before it hits the boat! Pray this works!!!"
Would you believe he's still alive? He just didn't make the AC 21 to actually shoot down the Delayed Blast Fireball bead.
Rogue (wis 8): SO just pick it up then?
Pirate (wis 4): yeah, sure.
Rogue: *picks up gem*
The door slams shut.
Pirate: well.... crap.
Rogue: hang on, I've got an idea.
*rogue bullrushes the steel door*
DM: take 2 nonlethal
Rogue: WHY?
DM: The door is steel.
Rogue: No it's not.
DM: yes, it is.
Rogue: prove it
DM: the alchemist's fire didn't burn it because it's metal.
Rogue: you mean I just ran headlong into a steel door?
DM: yep.
Pirate: .... let me try.
Our group had just learned that an army of 200 Beastmen were heading for to village we were in.
Me(Dwarf): I think we should be getting outta here.
Player2: If it was 200 Goblins you'd be charging off to fight.
Me: See theres a difference, 200 Goblins deserve to die. 200 Beastmen don't deserve to kill me.
Miniatures: $10
Snacks: $2.50
The :OMG! look on the Rogue's face when she learns her Beau is a succubus: Priceless
Me: (to DM) I walk into the tavern
Barkeeper: There is the man of the hour everyone gets a free drink on him
Me: What!? What are you talking about?
Barkeeper: Well the first person to walk in at 8 buys a drink for everyone.
Me: Since when? I never had to do this before... And it's not even 8 its 10!
Barkeeper: Rules are rules.
Me: Fine.... How much?
Barkeeper: 50gp
Me: (to Dm) I pay in copper peices thats a way to get rid of them all. Now all i have to do is kill Zane for this.
Barridon: Alright, bring it on. *Two initiative rolls follow, Centaur wins.*
Me(DM): The centaur draws a scimitar.
Barridon: No, unarmed.
Me: Okay then, two hoof attacks for 1d6+4 each, +4 to hit... *Reaches for d20* what's your flat-footed AC?
Barridon: What!? Um, I was only kidding!
He's a loser, (Character, not player) but a loveable loser. We allowed Barridon to back off before the centaur made his attacks. I suppose you'd have to have been there...
(DM) Sultan: And when you return with the scepter, you shall be rewarded.
Bard: It shall be done, your highness.
Cleric: Thank you for your time, your majesty.
Fighter: Yeah, don't worry, King-
Bard: -Sultan.
Fighter: Right, Sultan, we'll get your rod back right away.
dm: you come to the end of the hall, there is a mine elevator that obviously leads down into the lower dungeon.
rouge: so whos going to go down first?
monk: not me, forget it,,, i keep getting the crap kicked out of me.
(had some really bad rolls)
cleric: how deep is it?
dm: ..check... its to dark to tell but you hear some shuffling and moaning coming from not too far down ( there was zombies lurching about)
sorcerer: (gets up to get something to drink)
monk: i throw the sorcerer down to see how deep it is.
strength check pass
sorcerer: WHAT!?!? (sits right back down) THATS A BUNCH OF CRAP
dm: (to sorc) you take xxx amount of damage fromt he fall... you see 4 zombies coming at you.
sorc: WHAT THE HELL let me back up.
rogue: ok were coming. lets take the elevator
cleric+monk: ok
dm: you know you could just jump down too.
monk: no way i dont want to get hurt
the elevator takes xxx rounds to get down to the level below
sorcerer is still yelling at the party. by the time the party gets to him hes
already been knocked out by the zombies.
dm: you reach the bottom of the shaft and see 4 zombies battering the sorcerer into a pulp.
rogue: lets go back up...
monk+cleric: ok
sorc: you guys suck....
DM: Okay, you win initiative.
Me: Born to be Wieeeiald! :P
Yeah, it's gotten him some wierd looks from the rest of his party who don't know about the earing yet :D .
They were fighting in a tower that had a system of primitive rope and pulley elevators. Some of the monsters were coming up one and Mr. Blackrazor had an idea, he cut the ropes on the pulley, thus causing the elevator to rapidly descend 5 stories.
Then he cited the above rule verse and claimed he “made the opponent drop”.
the EC soldiers are the equivilant of stormtroopers, easily dispatched fodder for our 6-person group.
the following happens to a group of 4 EC soldiers.
Warlock: (invisible) "I teleport to the other side of the doorway" -sees the 4 soldiers, playing cards and dice. "I open the door, then blast one of them w/ my Eldritch blast" -dead soldier, minus head.
Init rolled, goes something like
Warlock
Barb
Druid (in eagle form)
Ranger (me)
Paladin (warforged fighter/pally)
Artificer (and his luggage)
Warlock opens door, blasts another poor schlub
Barbarian tumbles in, skewers 3rd EC soldier
Druid flies in, harrasses only surviving EC soldier
I step into doorway, see the fight is all but over, relax
Pally charges in, longsword at the ready (has a beef w/ the EC due to history w/ them) "I kill him..." starts to roll, all eyes on the player in shock...
"Oh wait...I'm a paladin!" (said with an absolute straight face, as if he just realized that)
"I put my sword to his chest and say 'Drop your weapons!'"
(the EC soldier, mind you, was unarmed, unarmored, and holding a pair of dice, which he dropped. as well as emptying his bladder and bowels)
the delivery of the "I'm a paladin" line had our whole group laughing for a good half-a-minute.
in the same adventure, we encounter an evil cleric attempting to study/activate a giant artifact-throne dealy.
I draw a poisoned arrow, loose when my pally friend tells me there is strong evil (he's the guy we're hunting), and the cleric goes invisible, my arrow missing due to displacement.
the warlock, with See the Unseen, pinpoints the now-unseen cleric, and blasts him w/ an Eldritch blast.
init is rolled, order goes
Me
Warlock
everyone else...
i delay until after the warlock, after saying "point him out to me" (was planning on dousing him w/ bag o' flour)
Warlock turns, points, shoots. rolls nat'l 20, confirms crit w/ another 20, rolls the insta-kill confirm (20-20-20 is insta-kill in our games. 1:8000 odds are good enough for us).
rolls damage (some obscene number)
result: dead cleric, in surprise round and 1st round of init.
me: "ok, got him now!" proceed to launch arrow w/ gargantuan scorpion venom into the now headless cleric.
after the fight: "Well, that was an effective way to point someone out!"
namaste'
the hamster
(btw, cleric was party lvl +1 or 2, dead w/o getting a single spell off.)
Somehow the rogue-mage ferreted his way into another campaign, again, and was recruited by a priest of Pelor (another PC) to help out with an adventure. In this particular campaign, the rogue-mage is actually semi-famous/infamous. However, for the quest the Priest needs accomplished, the rogue-mage thought it best to seek additional aid (aka another PC).
Priest: So what are we doing here in front of this tavern.
Raz: I'm going to introduce you to the strongest fighter I know....that isn't out for my throat.
Priest: Oh... So what kind of a man is he?
Raz: Well if you must know... Stand to the left of the door.
Priest:
*steps to the left of the door not knowing of the impending trouble*Raz: *opens the tavern door and pokes his head in* HEY MINA!!! I'LL BUY YOU A KEG OF ALE IF YOU'LL THROW EVERYONE ELSE OUT OF THE PUB!!!
Priest:
Raz: *closes the door and starts dusting off his hat*
Priest: How many were in there?
Raz: I'd say twelve...maybe fifteen.
Priest: and this...Mina is going to throw them all out?
Raz: Ayep.
Priest: FIFTEEN ON ONE!?!?
*first body flies through a window and lands roughly on the ground*
Raz: Fourteen on one.
*2nd body flies through door*
Priest: THIS IS INSANE!
*3rd body rolls out*
Raz: Correction, as a priest your business of healing people is going to be busy in a moment.
*4th body lands on the 1st*
Raz: Think of it like this, you're not paying for the keg of ale.
*5th and 6th body fly past Raz*
Priest: ......This is getting very violent.
*7th, 8th, and there goes the 9th*
Raz: Mina isn't killing anyone, so don't worry.
*10th lands in a puddle*
Priest: Oh by Pelor's light!
*11th is chucked through the straw roof and lands in a straw pile*
Raz: So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
*12th lands on strawpile*
Priest: Er...no...
*13th tries to run out of the pub, but gets yanked back in before being chucked out*
Raz: Oh...well best not to tell Mina that.
*14th screams bloody murder before landing on top of the 5th body*
Raz: She gets ideas if you tell her stuff like that.
*15th stumbles on out with bruises everywhere and collapses in front of the Priest*
Priest: She?
Raz: *walks on in with the Priest* HEY MINA!!! This priest boy here has a job for us to do!!
Priest:
*stares at a Half-Orc woman, bulging muscles, not pretty, but grinning widely while she starts polishing her two bastard swords*Raz: Mina here likes to chop stuff with both of those big blades at once. Figured you could use her help too... I'm gonna go get that keg now.
Mina: Pretty blonde man too shy to speak to a real woman?
Raz: Oh give him time Mina, I'm sure he's just very dazzled with your beauty.
Mina: You say kindest words
.Raz: Yes I do, keeps me alive... *goes to get keg*
Mina: *grabs the priest and pulls the guy into a big....er....hug*
Priest: .......I want a chaperone.
The Party consists of a Kushabon Fringer, a wookie force adapt, and a Human soldier.
The party had just escaped a nasty fight with some Imperials after rescuing the Kushaban, and the ship needed repairs. The Kushie, who has ranks in repair, volontiered to do the work. Menwhile, the Human and the wook are talking about what to do with the kushiban. Halfway through the coversation, the Kushies players goes "Thunk, wham, ping," and then in his Char's voice shouts "Stupid Hydrospanner!"
I don't know why the line is so funny, but we still joke about it.
Mina... what a woman! Arin (ME), Bane of Kneecaps (Halfling, Rogue - 15)
Aon (Human?, Sorcerer/Stormcaster - 15)
and Veit(Dwarf, Fighter - 15)
DM: You walk up to the manor, the immense grounds unfolding around you. This is the admiral's property, the man who has called you to participate in a mission overseas.
Aon: I walk up to the door and knock. (Myself and Veit's player nod in consent)
DM: The door opens and a butler appears at the door, welcoming you into the gleaming house beyond.
Arin: (Eyes go WIDE!!!) IMAGINE ALL THE GOLD I COULD MAKE OFF THIS PLACE!!!
Everyone Else:
Another Rogue-Mage episode.
Somehow the rogue-mage ferreted his way into another campaign, again, and was recruited by a priest of Pelor (another PC) to help out with an adventure. In this particular campaign, the rogue-mage is actually semi-famous/infamous. However, for the quest the Priest needs accomplished, the rogue-mage thought it best to seek additional aid (aka another PC).Dart-throwing inn-goersPriest: So what are we doing here in front of this tavern.
Raz: I'm going to introduce you to the strongest fighter I know....that isn't out for my throat.
Priest: Oh... So what kind of a man is he?
Raz: Well if you must know... Stand to the left of the door.
Priest:
Raz: *opens the tavern door and pokes his head in* HEY MINA!!! I'LL BUY YOU A KEG OF ALE IF YOU'LL THROW EVERYONE ELSE OUT OF THE PUB!!!
Priest:
Raz: *closes the door and starts dusting off his hat*
Priest: How many were in there?
Raz: I'd say twelve...maybe fifteen.
Priest: and this...Mina is going to throw them all out?
Raz: Ayep.
Priest: FIFTEEN ON ONE!?!?
*first body flies through a window and lands roughly on the ground*
Raz: Fourteen on one.
*2nd body flies through door*
Priest: THIS IS INSANE!
*3rd body rolls out*
Raz: Correction, as a priest your business of healing people is going to be busy in a moment.
*4th body lands on the 1st*
Raz: Think of it like this, you're not paying for the keg of ale.
*5th and 6th body fly past Raz*
Priest: ......This is getting very violent.
*7th, 8th, and there goes the 9th*
Raz: Mina isn't killing anyone, so don't worry.
*10th lands in a puddle*
Priest: Oh by Pelor's light!
*11th is chucked through the straw roof and lands in a straw pile*
Raz: So.... Do you have a girlfriend?
*12th lands on strawpile*
Priest: Er...no...
*13th tries to run out of the pub, but gets yanked back in before being chucked out*
Raz: Oh...well best not to tell Mina that.
*14th screams bloody murder before landing on top of the 5th body*
Raz: She gets ideas if you tell her stuff like that.
*15th stumbles on out with bruises everywhere and collapses in front of the Priest*
Priest: She?
Raz: *walks on in with the Priest* HEY MINA!!! This priest boy here has a job for us to do!!
Priest:
Raz: Mina here likes to chop stuff with both of those big blades at once. Figured you could use her help too... I'm gonna go get that keg now.
Mina: Pretty blonde man too shy to speak to a real woman?
Raz: Oh give him time Mina, I'm sure he's just very dazzled with your beauty.
Mina: You say kindest words
Raz: Yes I do, keeps me alive... *goes to get keg*
Mina: *grabs the priest and pulls the guy into a big....er....hug*
mage instructing rouge on the eiddicat(don't ask me ot spell this please!) of 'borrowing' things form your freinds.
Enter guy. He catches a mouse. Hating them the way celestials hate demons, he builds a bonfire and throws the mouse in. The mouse runs off, enters his house, and sets it on fire. Next scene: the guy is homeless, and he lost everything to the rodent's inferno. Karma.
It'd much funnier if no real person lost out. Incorporate something like that into D&D, and you know your DM hates you.
Ahh, and here's my brother's line as a Barbarian. Being introduced to the "civilized" world, a companion jokes about one [fake] deity called Bob. The Barbarian, not realizing the joke, decides to worship Bob. Carves his holy symbol (a stick figure) on his sword and everything. Now shouts "Smite them Bob!" when fighting. The funny thing is, nobody knew that the Barbarian's sword was enchanted to release a smite-like effect when the words "Smite them Bob!" are shouted. Some wizard had a strange sense of humor.
Barbarian: "Smite them Bob!"
The sword smites the dragon.
Everyone: :OMG!
And now, some of them, thinking that they rediscovered some ancient and powerful deity, are taking up worship of Bob.
Priceless.
Soon they are enlisted to retrieve the Necronomicon, which also has a spell that can send them back to Faerun. By the time all of this has been sorted out, the players have clued in to the fact that they are playing "Army of Darkness". One of the players, realizing they're out of the fire and no longer in danger of being attacked by the King and his guards, starts getting cocky and talking himself up. Which prompts this exchange:
DM (as King Auric): Are all men from Faerun loud-mouthed braggarts?
Player: Nope. Just me baby... Just me.
Priceless.
(neutral/evil-ish campaign...)
After adventuring through the sewers of Sharn, we all decide to pull out back and go rest (after our party fighter had his strength reduced to 4 by a collosal spider)... it just so happens the next room held the Mind Flayer who was about to activate a machine that takes over Sharn.
Needless to say after a little rest, we wait in the INN preparing our equipment and such, when the first part of the Mind Flayer Machine activates, freezing everyone in place (save myself and the party ranger)... we go to the local cleric, and finding him also frozen, break open his safe and use the scrolls to heal up our fighter, before leaving an I.O.U note next to the body and running off with the rest of the scrolls (just in case)
returning to the INN i help heal the fighter... when we realise that the large Safe under the counter is now accessable... so we crack it open, and fill our "bags of holding" with gold and gems...
then we discover that although frozen, the other people in the INN can still see what we're doing, so to cover our identity... we killed them all...
then we knocked on the door of the smaller room, hoping that the owner, who we was a powerful combatant dwelled... hoping that he too was frozen and we could make use of his weapons later on.
THEN we realised about all the dead bodies in the tavern, just as the Troll Bodygaurd of his opens the door....
A powerful fight between the fighter, myself and the Troll ends with all the INN's items being ransacked and picked apart...
Across the City, the Party Ranger was hiding from a trio of Mind Flayers, complete with Umber Hulks and Bassilisk escort's, who were breaking out of tunnels and patrolling the streets...
He saw myself, the fighter, and a lvl 18 Tensers Floating Disc loaded with treasure walking down the street....
Our DM was at this point lying on the table with his hands in his head... strangely we were supposed to fight the Mind Flayers, instead of loot the City and attempt to flee on an Air ship (as we did... until it was hit by a spell and crashed into one of the tunnels....)
For us it was funny... but then we were still laughing at the collosal Spider, than i managed to polymorph into a toad... and that we then kept in our bag of holding (removing him every 9 minutes so that the toad can keep breathing...)
our later plan was to have the fighter throw the spider at a mind flayer patrol, before i cast Dispel Magic on it... but that was a different matter
Enter guy. He catches a mouse. Hating them the way celestials hate demons, he builds a bonfire and throws the mouse in. The mouse runs off, enters his house, and sets it on fire. Next scene: the guy is homeless, and he lost everything to the rodent's inferno. Karma.
I read that story in the paper yesterday and it was pretty wrong. There is something to be said about karma.
From last Saturday's adventure:
The party Rogue and Monk were out prowling the streets for a man named Wolfe, a henchman of an evil ruler that the party is trying to catch and interrogate for information. This city was celebrating it's 75th anniversary and this night a lot of people got drunk and fell asleep out on the streets.
DM: "You ever see the movie Day of the Comet where clothes littered the streets? You see that, but with people still in them."
Rogue: "It's like a 5 finger discount buffet?"
Monk: "Oh good, I'll start pulling the teives to the side and beating them."
DM: "You don't see any theives about on the streets."
Monk: "What? You just described a theif's wet dream here! How can there not be a single mugger out?"
Rogue: "The DM said you don't see any. It doesn't mean there aren't any, it means they're hiding and using stealth like an experienced theif WOULD BE USING you tree hugging fool!"
:D
Our party had to capture a prisoner from the surface (we were in Menzoberrenzan), anyways, we set up a system of Dimension Doors to capture him, here's the conversation:
Sorcerer: I teleport the monk and barbarian with me to go capture the guy
DM: Okay, your there.
Monk: I stun him with stunning fist
DM: Hes stunned
Barbarian: I grab him
DM: hes grabbed
Sorcerer: I teleport back to the inn
DM: The man who was once in your hand, has suddenly disapeared, because of the necklace the prevents his teleportation.
Loremaster at hideout: Oh S***!
Heres one:
DM: The man who was once in your hand, has suddenly disapeared, because of the necklace the prevents his teleportation.
Loremaster at hideout: Oh S***!
I had a similar incident with my first DM.
I was playing a party of dragons and we had just battled through the 100+ followers of Randy Orton. (Wrestling obsessed DM)
My silver dragon, Sirrus, managed to put him to sleep with her breath weapon and so the party pins the guy spread eagled with Sirrus standing on his chest, toothily grinning about six inches from his face.
As he wakes up:
Sirrus: Hi, I'm thinking now we can have a nice, civilized, chat. (Rolls intimidate check)
DM: He's now gone from hostile to unfriendly
Randy: Um, sure. What would you like to talk about?
Sirrus: I think you're going to tell us about all of your's and your friends plan, now. *Still on Randy's chest with the toothy grin*
Randy: How 'bout, no. *Amulet glows, Randy disappears*
DM: It was an amulet of teleport, if you'd said they took everything off of him, you would have it.
Me: :headexplo
Sirrus:
anyways we were working our way through an adventure, myself smashing into the ground everything i could reach. and the other characters providing high skills and so forth to get through everything.
we come to a section where a man has activated the 'fly' spell. we helplessly run around trying to throw things at the man, while he slowly continues to wound us with weak offensive spells.
general outlook: what are we going to do?
* 10 minutes of useless attempts at throwing things at him*
PC's eyes open, and hits me in the arm: YOU'VE GOT WINGS!!!
*everyone is in hesterics
my character turns,takes a run up, and smashes the guy straight through the wall.
-he dead, we all ammused
A party consisting of (among other things) a cleric of (homebrew storm deity whose name I've forgotten), and a monk/cleric of Obad-Hai were walking the long distance between two towns. The two clerics had a bit of a friendly rivalry going on, and they were debating philosophy while they walked, when a group of orc brigands appeared from the bushes beside the road.
The monk/cleric of Obad-Hai tried to reason diplomatically with the orcs and avoid conflict, as he disliked harming things without good reason and felt the orcs stood no chance against the party. (All but one of them were lycanthropes, but they were operating in human/elven shapes.) The orcs unfortunately refused.
The storm cleric thought to prove his way superior, and with a mighty cry of :fight!: "Let me show you how a cleric of the thundergod does it!", charged the nearest orc... and rolled a natural 1. His warhammer bounced off the orc's thick skull, doing no damage, hit him in the face and he collapsed, out cold.
The thundergod must have been so proud. :rolleye2:
* 10 minutes of useless attempts at throwing things at him*
PC's eyes open, and hits me in the arm: YOU'VE GOT WINGS!!!
*everyone is in hesterics
my character turns,takes a run up, and smashes the guy straight through the wall.
-he dead, we all ammused
Famous last words: "OH
" *SQUITCH*Famous second to last words: "Those wings must be non functional"
Never say it versus a death attack: "He's got the highest fort save, I'm not worried about him"
Poor halfling monk, cut down by a Bodak's death gaze.
Poor King Dac'Angelo, epic characters should not be cut down by a greater arrow of human slaying.
Now he's traveling (to get more stories to tell), and he finds his group facing a Great Wyrm Red Dragon (so another dragon could rescue them and put them on a quest). Frightful Presence: our buddy the Warforged Bard fails his Will Save. A natural one. He stands rigid in place, staring at the dragon.
Warforged Bard (IC): It's times like this I'm glad I lack bodily functions. Otherwise I would have just wet myself.
We get a lot of laughs when he says these sorts of things. He's better than a jester. He's Flute, the Warforged Bard.
We complete our mission within the arctic ice cave, and defeat the boss (or so we thought). We step into the room and see the artifact we were sent to retrieve. We oooo and ahh. We step into the room. The pedestal opens and six glowing, pearl sized beads come out, as the DM describes the scene to us.
Me: What's that mean? (I'm the sorceror, so this is rather funny to Kenny, another player)
Kenny: Ah, sh*t!
DM: Make reflex saves.
DM: They explode into huge overlapping fireballs
Me: Can I step behind the rogue?
Kenny: That'll do a lot of good, mate. I'm a halfling.
Second story:
Kenny: Attacks enemy (I wasnt there, dunno what it was)
DM: He strikes back, jabbing the end of the quarterstaff square into your groin.
Kenny: I'm gonna make a will save to die. *rolls*
(Ensuing laughter from all of group at the absurdity of that statement)
Kenny: Ah...
DM: What?
Kenny: Natural 20. Haha.
DM: OK... you die.
Will save to die.
I was the only native Russian Garou, the others came from N.America and during the campaign we came upon an abandoned convoy of military trucks on the russian steppes. In the snow all around the vehicles we see giant chicken footprints. it took me a few moments to realize what this meant;
Me: (doing a russian accent, sort of) NO! NO! NO! NO! ,we must get out of here!
other players : Why? Whats wrong?
Me : we must be far away from here,...now!
others : Why?
Me : These are the her house"s tracks, the little grand mother!
(I did not want to say Baba Yaga (who is a 3rd gen Vampire, uberpowerful) out loud in case it attracked her attention...even the other players fell into this habit because of little ole me) The GM never told us if saying her name had any effect but we were so paranoid.
That was a great moment, as everyone was in character too.
DM: You see some, ruined buildings, general ruins, etc.. Knowledge Check!
Everyone-but-monk: *crappy rolls*
Monk: Natural 20
DM: You know that it was a city-
Evidently he had more planned, but we cut him off before he could finish, but still.. We haven't let him live it down. :D
For those of you unfamiliar with Baba Yaga, she's a witch in Russian folklore who lives in a house that walks on giant chicken legs, and eats little girls but is helpful to handsome princes. Unless I've got that backward...
Handsome Prince: "Hi, I need some help kind lady, if you could-"
Baba Yaga: **CHOMP!**
LOL, I'm familair with Baba Yaga and so far I've been the only person to have a character survive an encounter with her. It's likely due to the lucky fact my character didn't call her an old crone, but maybe it's that she was already full after eating the other party members. :D
Now here's a good one from the Warforged Bard. Yes, Bard. He was created mostly for the concept: what do soldiers do after retiring? Tell stories. As such, this particular Warforged didn't go through much of "What do I do with my life?" phase.
Now he's traveling (to get more stories to tell), and he finds his group facing a Great Wyrm Red Dragon (so another dragon could rescue them and put them on a quest). Frightful Presence: our buddy the Warforged Bard fails his Will Save. A natural one. He stands rigid in place, staring at the dragon.
Warforged Bard (IC): It's times like this I'm glad I lack bodily functions. Otherwise I would have just wet myself.
We get a lot of laughs when he says these sorts of things. He's better than a jester. He's Flute, the Warforged Bard.
funny non the less, but I thought warforged where immune to fear
funny non the less, but I thought warforged where immune to fear
Mindless constructs tend to be, warforged are not. Warforged with the substitution level warforged fighter 1 get Battle Hardened (+3 bonus to saves vs fear) though.
--------------------
Typical scene, entering a nice city for a bit of R&R in-between missions.
Except for one thing: Aust had died on the way. (I told him it was a bad idea to take on that hill giant alone) Since we figured it would be respectful (despite everyone hating Aust—He's an elf, whadda you expect?!?) to bury him properly in a cemetery rather than leave him on the road.
Of course, things would get complicated if the guards found out that there was a dead elf in a sack in Kheldar's cart...
Guard: "Halt! State your name and business!"
Kheldar: "I am Kheldar Shadowstep, and I come to this city as an adventurer, seeking refuge and perhaps a space to set up shop while we rest. I have absolutely nothing on my person to alarm you."
Guard: "Right. But I'll have to check your cart for any smuggled supplies anyway. Just followin' orders."
Kheldar: "Just great... Sure, go ahead."
Search check: 3. DC: 5.
Guard: "Right. I see nothing suspicious. Best be off with you, then."
Amy: "But what about the dead elf?"
Guard: "What?"
Kheldar: "Gah! Urm, My companion is... she's a little dumb, sir. Occasionally talks gibberish she does, pay her no mind."
Bluff: 19. Sense Motive: 7.
Guard: "Ah, right. I see then. Well, carry on."
Kheldar: "Whew! *Trots off* Now look Amy. You may be new to the party, and this may have been your first visit ever to an urban environment, but if you pull one more stunt like that on me, I'll personally arrange for your intestines to be stitched to your mouth, so you can eat your own spew. Are we clear?"
And Kheldar, the spokesperson, has 11 charisma. Oy...
--------------------
Then there was those two halflings in the inn we decided to stay in...
DM: You see two halflings sitting at the front of the bar.
Kheldar: Mental note... Halflings at bar. "Hey! Ale over here!"
*Next morning...*
DM: The two halflings are still at the bar
Kheldar: Mental note... Halflings still at bar, after at least ten hours. I go and find a workstation to rent so Amara can start polishing our shop's merchandise.
*After finding a workstation...*
DM: The two halflings are still at the bar
Kheldar: Mental note... Halflings still at bar, after at least 12 hours. "AMARA! I FOUND US A WORKSTATION!"
Amara: "Coming!"
*That afternoon*
DM: The two halflings are still at the bar
Kheldar: Mental note... Halflings still a--
DM: For crying out loud, talk to the damn halflings already!
Kheldar: Fine, I will!
Those halflings turned out to be two of a triangle of Whisperknives, Kheldar was supposed to join them to get the training needed to become one, as I wanted. Whoops.
As the mighty scorpionship Rouste Bouqet rises from its rocky landing place:
Rharg the Mad, magic-hating Barbarian 2: Say, how high up do you think we are?
Silman the Sea Ranger/Wizard 10/9: Oh, I don't know, a couple hundred feet maybe . . . (looks over the railing to judge)
Rharg's player makes pushing motion with his hands
Silman: Ayieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *SPLAT*
Ship lands, Silman is barely alive. Silman is then healed to full by the cleric.
The mighty scorpionship once again rises into the sky.
Rharg: So, how high up are we?
Silman: Oh, I don't know, about a couple-
Rharg's player makes pushing gesture again.
Silman: Ayieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! *SPLAT*
The party is all lvl 5's, on a short seafaring adventure. A few weeks into the voyage, the DM tells us that we feel a lurch in the boats movements. The captain stops the ship, and Kevin (a Naga Sorcerer), the only member of the party who can swim, dives down to look for a problem. A (large) fish, with black scales and glowing red eyes is attacking the ship, so Kevin decides to attack. This is pretty much how the battle went:
DM rolls initiative: *sigh*
Kevin rolls: 17+2 (19)
Kevin rolls to attack w/ shocking grasp: 17, then ~20dmg (5d6)
DM rolls to attack: 3
Kevin: 16, ~15dmg
DM: 5
Kevin: 19, ~25dmg
DM: 3
Kevin: 15, ~20dmg
DM: 6
Kevin: 20, successful crit, 38dmg (10d6)
DM: The rest of the party sees magically deep fried fish chunks float to the surface, mmm.... ;)
(Note: the creature was CR7 for a 4 character party.)
Anyway, we were in a posh dinner hosted by a batty dwarf woman, and we had been discussing hunting. The cast is Altair, half-brass sorceress, and Sir Regdar, NPC head of the local Hunting Guild.
Altair: We were recently in a cave fighting bandits, and I found a wild beast. (A krenshar, but our characters didn't know what it was.)
Sir Regdar: Really? What did it look like?
Altair: Well, it looked like a leopard, only without the scales.
This drew looks of consternation and confusion from the rest of the dinner guests, but they didn't comment on it.
So the party is running down the hall to escape the inferno and this guy that's following him, when they come upon some guards that, seeing the raging fire that's fast approaching turn and run with the party.
Barbarian PC: Where does the sewer let out?
Guard: What the hell is going on here?!
Sorcerer PC: The Lord of Blades broke in through the sewers and busted out one of your prisoners
Guard: *Points backward* What about HIM?!
Eldritch Knight PC: We dont talk about him.
______________________________________________
Later that night the party gets back to a tavern in Regalport, where they find their NPC friend and captain of a pirate fleet, who is even more drunk then when he agreed to take them to Dreadhold.
Captain Syrain: (Yelling across the bar) Hey, it'sh you guysh! Didja do that thang?!
Sorcerer PC: Um, yeah, Syrain...
Captain Syrain: EH! I want you all to meet my good friendsh ova here! Get this: Tonight, they bushted inta DREADHOLD!
Sorcerer PC: Ha ha ha, oh Syrian... We are getting out of here right now.
DM: "Jesus would hit."
Druid: What are you doing here, foul perversion of nature?
Dorian: Well, it all started with my mother and father...
---
A man approached the PCs. He had an eyepatch, a wooden leg, a false arm, his teeth were gone, he was balding and his beard was half-gone, apparently burned off. The ranger looked to him.
Ranger: Uh, hello. Do you know where the Broken Shield Tavern is?
Man: Yep. *points* Right over there.
Ranger: Ah, thank you. And your name is?
Man: They call me ol' Lucky.
Lukas: Could you tell me where the bathroom is?
DM: (As dwarf): Go down that hall, make a left and it's the third door on the right.
Lukas: Thanks, I'll be right back! *Then I get up and go to the bathroom.*
DM: (As I'm walking away from the table) Good roleplaying
The Get of Fenris and my Silent Strider are scouting in a cave.We've explored the first chamber and stumbled upon the second chamber that seems to have all kinds of chemicals in it.
GM: Okay,what do you guys do?
Both of us:We decide to go in and look around.
GM:
The door slams shut behind you and you hear the hiss of escaping gas.Roll stamina.GoF:*gets a crappy roll*
Gm:Okay, you fall over unconcious.
SS:*manages to get a good roll*
GM:You feel a little woozy but are fine.Roll stamina again.
SS: *fails roll miserbly*
GM: Okay,basically all you're able to do is say something along the lines of "Oh crap",before falling unconcious.
Our poor characters woke up hours later in a cell with pure silver bars and a bunch of vampires on the other side of the bars tormenting them.
Evil GM...
DM(Me): Your last arrow kills the wereboar
Ranger: He died humanely, right?
DM: Of course... He didn't feel the first four arrows, nor the shocking grasp from the sorcerer... it was just instantaneous...
Study for three rounds...
Move forward...
Roll a natural 1 right in front of the creature and have it turn around and bite you.
He failed his grapple roll and then failed his fort save vs. paralysation.
He was almost dead when we found him, but we still managed to rescue him. My first words when he woke up?
Me: "Hehe. You got chulled on."
"This house is ondemed by order of the town Exploding Runes."
He read through the entire sentence before realizing his mistake.
Wizard: I cast prismatic spray
DM: (rolling) Okay, two take damage, on is stoned, and another is forcibly shunted to another plane. The one in the middle, however, scoffs, saying, "A pitiful attempt. You would be wise to show more fear"
Paladin: "Do you really expect us to run?"
DM: He says, "No, I expect you to die". In a flash, the ragewalker seems to transform- or remove an illusion- with the effect of becoming a wispy woman with a terrible looking face. Just terrible. Anyways, take Fortitude saves.
Wizard:
Bard:
Me: I'm fine.
Paladin: Why the
didn't I cast death ward today?"As you go through the pouches of the dead orcs, one of them holds a whole bunch of coppers. You're not sure, there may be hundreds, could even be a thousand or more."
"So we just stole a dead orc's piggy bank?"
Shortly prior, we'd rescued an NPC bard from the clutches of a feyri. The feyri was described to us as somewhat like a succubus, only darker. Black leather, bat wings, menacing aura, the works. After she's taken care of, we break into a locked room.
DM: "Inside, you find a naked man shackled to the walls. He blinks at the sudden light and shrinks back into a corner, staring at you. Once he gets a better look, he sighs and says "Oh thank the gods, I thought it was her again."
Cleric of some weird elven god of mischief and chaos: "Wow, I"m not sure if I should be sympathetic or envious right now."
We also tend to do things that just plain break campaigns. Somehow, right next to the Yawning Portal in Waterdeep, a group of kobolds decided to take up residence. They weren't doing too well against the horde of would-be adventurers coming through there, but they'd managed to hold their own for a while. We ended up negotiating with their leader through a locked iron door.
Me: "Look, we want that one stupid kobold you took from his buddies up top, and I know what you want."
Kobold Leader: "Yes, I want you to go away!"
Me: "No, what you really want is for all those humans and elves and dwarves who keep killing kobolds that never did anything to deserve it to go away."
Kobold Leader: "Ye-es, but this is not going to happen. YOU I can make go away."
Me: "I bet you also want to have lots of gold pieces, all the dwarven ale you can drink, plenty of fresh meat and the chance to go up top whenever you want, with nobody bothering you."
Kobold Leader: "And I want to be a red dragon so I can burn you all up. Not gonna happen either. Go away."
Me: "I can make it happen. We'll give you torches and arrows and ale and swords and all sorts of things like that. Whole cartloads full. You can trade it to the mean dwarves and elves and humans for gold pieces. They'll pay a whole gold piece for a little bit of lamp oil and a few arrows."
DM: "Wait a minute. Are you trying to go into business with these kobolds? Selling weapons and stuff?
Me: "Yeah, people have to pay a gold piece per person to get through the Yawning Portal, so why not? Everyone benefits. Kobolds stop getting bothered because they're a way for adventurers to save some money and we make some cash on the side."
DM: With the kobolds."
Me: "Yeah! What could possibly go wrong?"
Rouge: So did you get the wood?
:headexplo
*Hugs*
Varia
Situation 1:
*Dervish returns after some... "quality time" with NPC boyfriend. She has a big smile on her face*
Wizard: So, how was your extended tryst? Should we expect more screaming brats in nine months?
Fighter: *Laughs*
Dervish: *Goes -_- and starts strangling the fighter.*
Fighter: *is overpowered by the Dervish's massive strength and starts choking*
Warforged: Hey, stop that! Non-warforged need air to service.
^_^
Butler: Can I help you?
Player: (Rain, the female necromancer) Uhm, I am... uh... Princess... Leia. Yes.
*Rolls Sense Motive, FAILS fer G-d's sake...*
Butler: Your Majesty! *Bow, posture, etc.*
"Leia": I need a horse.
Master of the house: Who are you again?
"Leia": Princess Leia.
*Roills Knowledge (Nobility) (He had no Sense Motive, so KN seemed the better choice), FAILS TOO>*
Master: Of course, of course4, Your Highness!
And that's how Rain got a horse before anyone, including the druid.
Situation 1. Star Wars game. In quintessential cantina.
Imperial Officer: Let me see your papers!
Arkard (me): Ok *quickdraws flame carbine and bar-b-ques imperial officer*
a little later...
Jedi PC (dont remember his name) Why did you do that! What possesed you to do such a thing? You realize we can never return to Mos Eisley?
Arkard: I didn't like him.
Situation 2. Darksun game. Character is a Psychic Warrior/paladin wannabe (as there are no paladins on Athas)
Atien (me): Are you a coward bandit? I challenge you to single combat!
Magera Bandit: I accept. We will fight on the bridge. no tricks or help from your friends
Atien to rest of party: "If I fall, run. Run like hell."
Atien looses initiative. Takes a decent hit.
Atien proceeds to ATTACK THE BRIDGE.
Bridge falls in to chasm. Atien tumbles to safty.
Magera bandit manages to climb out of chasam and attacks.
Atien rolls a crit and cleaves the Magera bandit in twain (using vitality/wound points so basically I gibbed him!)
Atien, covered in his and Magera Bandit leader's blood, turns to the remaining bandits "Who's *huff huff* next?"
Bandits: Run!
Cleric: I think...I'm better *Vomits*
Fighter: Stop *Vomits* doing that *Vomits*
Me(OOG): They're puking things they haven't even EATEN yet.
Rogue (who caught the 8BT reference):
Situation- During a certain lil quest to destroy some really weird constructs out of the MMII, Raz had the audacity to attract some unneeded attention from not one, but TWO females of the 'fail against charisma 13 despite having mucho higher charisma' persuasion.
Specifically one is a priestess of the elven goddess of love, and the other is a sorceress with a thing for cats.
Rogue-Mage: Okay, I want to know who put the love elixir in your goblet!
Priestess: My love is not tainted by magic but as pure as the spring river!
Rogue-Mage: Then obviously you never had to drink from one when there's a company of orcs upstream.
Sorceress: Don't let that hussy take you! Choose me! I understand your needs as a fellow wielder of arcane might! Please take me with you and I swear I'll let myself be your pet p-
Priestess: BACK OFF WENCH! Calling me a hussy when you're throwing yourself at him!?
Sorceress: Oh like that wasn't you that threw herself on his bed last night.
Rogue-Mage: Good thing I never used said bed.
Priestess: AND YOU WERE NAKED IN IT ALREADY!
Sorceress: A woman with such beauty as I must be prepared for her lover at all times.
Rogue-Mage: I think most men dream of these quarrels.
Sorceress: And whom was it that kept wanting to drag the Rogue-Mage into her private garden to 'properly' reward him?
Priestess: Who was it that polymorphed into a kitten to get him to pet you all over?
Rogue-Mage: I thought there was something strange about why that kept was on my lap for so long.
Sorceress: Look this is getting neither of us anywhere. Perhaps we could come to some sort of agreement.
Rogue-Mage: I don't like the sound of that.
Priestess: Well....if you love him as much as I...then perhaps we could work something about.
Rogue-Mage: Intriguing...really it is... but see...oh, right, better not mention her majesty. *starts sneaking away*
Sorceress: The bed's big enough for three.
Priestess: I've been curious about women...
Rogue-Mage: *runs for the hills* Well if this keeps up those two will be a very happy couple! *and teleports away*
And thus the Rogue-Mage still seeks to woo the princess, because anymore trouble is a bit much for him.
the main fighter (the guy with the plan) notices I'm missing.
Fighter: Where's Omni?
The next thing they know, they hear a familiar voice in the warcamp.
Me (IC): Your mothers ate spiders!
Yes. I Shadow Walked into a group of Drow High Priestesses and shouted that. Somehow I survived. Don't ask me how. That was supposed to be a heroic death. I was finding that my homebrew was overpowered (maybe that's how I survived). I wanted to kill myself off and start with a clean slate. And I'm still struggling to create the half-Rahkshi (a PC race) and Darksword (half-Rahkshi favored class, available only to half-Rahkshi).
DM: (to cleric) roll a reflex save.
Cleric: 13, that good enough?
DM: no. you feel a slightly unerving sensation underneath your feet, as you look down you realize that you feet are not on the ground but in fact you are now 60 feet in the air, caught in a net.
Cleric: GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!
Barbarian: get yourself out.
Cleric:
HOW!Barbarian: evolve.
Cleric: :headexplo INTO WHAT!?!
Barbarian: a half-orc.
We have:
"?" - Half Elven Bard 10 / Sublime Chord 1(Player had been away the first session and had a bad time working out his character to make a name yet.)
Odulf - Human Wiz 5 / Mage of the Arcane Order
Mot - Annoying Rog/Drd/Daggerspell Shaper (perhaps going to rebuild to Drd / Master of Many Forms)
Eric - Human PsyWar 6 / Eloc 4
The PC's meet at the place where a 1000 years prior, Eric has found himself locked in Ice. This is the conversation following:
Odulf - I came here looking for Tom the Sorcerer, who has looked deep into those rings we have. *shows ring*
PC - (OOG) My character's name is now Mot.
Rest:
The whole party is CN
Me (DM) - When you arrive in the town, there is someone waiting for you. He welcomes you in earnest and seems concerned.
Odulf - Dear sir, you look worried. Is there anything you can do.
Me - :OMG! :D (How I love having CN characters in my game)
Now on with the show.
Situation - THERE'S FOUL PLAY AFOOT! A couple of murders cleverly done through sleep potions, fire heart wine (makes barbarians extra rage, makes normal people go psycho), and a magical doll.
The crimes and motives were rather difficult to put together seeing as I (a ranger with a bent against the undead) and my partner (an elven sorcerer who hates humans) were having both problems working together and trying to figure out 'who dunnit'.
By the time we pieced together the evidence, the very culprit left on horseback at about an hour before we finally got the final evidence.
Now whom would be so dastardly and clever and resourceful to have kept a pretty good tracker and a spell-slinging sleuth off the scent and make away without getting appprehended?
Whom could allude an entire town's worth of people and lie to them outright and look innocent?
Whom could play the mandolin and sing sappy love songs before setting up a cold-blooded murder?
We found out the answer too late...
Me: Let me get this straight.... We were defeated by Celine Deon?
Defeated by a BARD... there shall be justice!
First thing, I hate my lil brother when he posts in my name about lil incidents which aren't funny (specifically the last post of 'mine').
Now on with the show.
Situation - THERE'S FOUL PLAY AFOOT! A couple of murders cleverly done through sleep potions, fire heart wine (makes barbarians extra rage, makes normal people go psycho), and a magical doll.
The crimes and motives were rather difficult to put together seeing as I (a ranger with a bent against the undead) and my partner (an elven sorcerer who hates humans) were having both problems working together and trying to figure out 'who dunnit'.
By the time we pieced together the evidence, the very culprit left on horseback at about an hour before we finally got the final evidence.
Now whom would be so dastardly and clever and resourceful to have kept a pretty good tracker and a spell-slinging sleuth off the scent and make away without getting appprehended?
Whom could allude an entire town's worth of people and lie to them outright and look innocent?
Whom could play the mandolin and sing sappy love songs before setting up a cold-blooded murder?
We found out the answer too late...
Me: Let me get this straight.... We were defeated by Celine Deon?
Defeated by a BARD... there shall be justice!
I would actually take a bard for such a task anytime. As many have said: The bard is good at nothing, but not bad at anything either. If I would need someone to turn a town to havoc I'd take a Rogue Con-artist or a Bard.
From today's game:
One of our players didn't show up and still hadn't filled in his name. So I called him "Marque S'Toin" a.k.a. 'Question Mark'.
Our Halfling Druid has a problem with his attitude. Every time he hears something that looks even remotely like a story he starts: "Which reminds me of that time I was in a bar..." which annoys us at times.
Now they had failed to kill off a whole bunch of pretty strong LE guys and they were back for revenge. When the party once again cross the country of the group, they found all their allies crucefied. Their chief ally 'Thobias of the Hood' (yes, I know, very bad) has a message carved into his flesh. It said:
'What goes around, comes around. We will have our revenge, you cannot escape'
So the group nods in acknowledgement and note down another nemisis on their list. Then they read: 'p.s. And we will burn ANY Inn that Damned Halfling has ever been in!!'
Me: It's dark.
...
...
...
...
...
Me: You might be eaten by a grue.
Me: Ok, you enter a cryptic old room. As soon as you set foot inside a rune bursts to life beneath your foot (points to cleric). Soon, the entire room is covered with skittering runes that shift endlessly. About 30 in the center of the room turn and twist until they sink into the ground, revealing a swirling black pool. Within you see pale faces staring back at you, the water slowly churns.
Sorcerer: I cast detect magic on the pool
ka-BOOM!
DM: Your mind is overwhelmed from the magic within, your head is ablaze and finally, the back of your head bursts open and your eyes melt. You are dead.
Sorcerer: WHAT THE! *bleep*
Too bad the cleric wasted all the ressurection and true rezzes earlier because they had to go on and awaken the BBEG who killed them easily without enough damage to put her down.
Facing down an army of the undead-after being threatened to either surrender an item or be killed and raised as undead
ME: (Deciding to use a little Rapheal from the 1980s TMNT cartoons) Ugh! Does the Phrase "Go suck a lemon" hold any meaning to you? Ugh! (AFTER OOCly confering with the group on our action)
Facing three bandits who have just announced an intention to rob us
Oscar (Dwarven Cleric): (To me): Friend...
(My Char smiles and punches his other hand)
Eating a magical feast in a large tent at roadside
ME: Hey Half-Elf boy! is this your brother?
(My char had the night prior in the same deal called for "Half Elf Boy" only for the table (Which summoned a plate or glass of ANY food or drink you could want) to produce a plate of cooked Half Elf Patties (Which my char ate, and was eating again this night)
Half-Elf Ranger: I have no brothers
ME: How about your Cousin...is this your cousin?
Facing a locked door
Oscar: (Looking at me) Well, get to it?
ME: (Seeing the door) anybody got a lock pick?
Oscar: You ARE the lockpick. (Seeing as how I am a Warror)
On a Lightning Rail....figuring out how to take out the guards WITHOUT killing them...just to keep them out of the way
ME: I COULD challenge them all to a Drinking Contest...I could drink them all (about 12 guards) under the table easily (My Char is a Warforged...immune to mild altering effects...getting my char drunk isn't hard....IT'S IMPOSSIBLE)
(DM rules against the drinking contest, saying that although it is a good idea, and it might be fun to role play...it would be too time consuming)
DM: You find a portrait of the Count hanging on the wall.
Cleric: Does it have dates of when he died?
DM: No
Me: We can add it on the way out.
DM: You hear an odd sound coming drom down the hall, further away than you can see.
Cleric: I cast Protection from Evil, 10' radius!
Other players:
, and/or DM: You see the rest of your party pressed against the walls on either side of the hallway.
Cleric:
(long pause) .... ALL of you?!?Just recently, my party encountered a huge sized hound archon, wearing a cloak made out of a gold dragon, who demanded that we give him a very powerful artifact-type necklace that we came very recently came across. As we spoke with the hound archon, we became very suspicious (more suspicious than we already were - we had been chased by sorcerers, demons, etc. looking for this artifact). The party asked him the name of deity he came on the behalf of to retrieve this artifact, who he was serving and worshiped. His response: "Uh.. Um.. Pelor?" Needless to say, the party of (at the time) 11 people quickly made short work of the guy.
Earlier in the campaign, the party was clearing out a fortress near a large village which include undead, a vampire sorceress and her pet red dragon. The first time we killed the dragon (yes. we killed it twice), we snuck up on him in his lair and killed him dead. While we were trying to figure out how to get the dragon's hoard and the dragon back to the town (the wagon we brought was too small for all the treasure and dragon), the human rogue/assassin offered his suggestion: "We gut it and stuff it like a christmas turkey!" Which we promptly did and brought it home on the wagon we brought with us.
Anyway, as the pixie is frolicking in the water, she see (Spot check 35) the elf flying waaaay overhead. Her curiosity piqued, she flies straight up to see it because "She's got wings!". So here we have this winged elf, being approached by a naked pixie with a serious WTF look on her face - naked pixies are not so unusual, but coming from a major human metropolis?!? And then, said by the pixie to the elf, was this irresistable invitation...
"Come down by the river and I'll show you my minotaur!"
Seth: 30 points of damage, plus 20 points of electrical damage, plus 30 points from strength, favoured enemy and other bonuses. That's 70 in total.
Not sure I'd hail a ranger who can't do basic math on his damage rolls.... =)
DM: So, you open the private altar, and find –
Annoying Cleric (OOC – not even in this scene): Goat’s blood!
DM: No... ::glare at the cleric:: a small locked box.
Rogue: Cool. I Find Traps (found). Disarm Traps (disarmed) And I pick the lock – (picked)).
DM: Opening the box, you find –
Annoying Cleric (OOC): Goat’s blood!
DM: No! ::glare again at the cleric:: (to the rogue) You see something wrapped in black silk.
Mage (OOC): Oooooh! Maybe it’s a portable hole.
DM: ::to the mage:: Why not let him open it and find out?
Mage (OOC) ::winces:: Sorry.
DM: (to the rogue) So you open the silk, and you find –
Annoying Cleric (OOC): Goat’s blood!
DM: No! What the &*#@ is it with you and the goat’s blood?
Annoying Cleric: Well, we think she’s actually an evil cleric in disguise, and goat’s blood is a sign of evil, so…
DM: Whatever! Anyway, (to the rogue) opening the silk parcel, you find –
Fighter (OOC - *also* not in this scene): Tampons!
DM: ::Exploding:: Fine! You find a portable hole, filed to the brim with tampons, each of them saturated in goat’s blood! Are you happy now!?!?
It was about 20 minutes before we could resume the game - everyone but me was having trouble breathing because they were laughing so hard.
But I did make my point :D
A fighter in the group rode a war pig, and the mage had an owl familiar. My cleric kept refering to the ham and chicken, and said how hungry he was during the introduction. The mage was irritated and had her owl find a rat, then drop it from the sky onto my cleric.
My cleric sees it, and turns his top hat to catch the rat. It's just more food to him. I rolled a 1, and the rat landed squarely on his head. I had to think quickly to save face:
Me: "I saved the hat."
In the monster's campaign I'm running, there is a female pixie rogue and a male minotaur ranger, who are taking a bath in the river (yes, the minotaur bathes) just outside the city of Rel Mord (World of Greyhawk) and a new player is joining this group. She wanted something with wings, and there is already a half-celestial in the party, so we went with a femal avarial (a winged elf - and yes, I know they are Forgotten Realms, but this is *my* game, so just deal).
Anyway, as the pixie is frolicking in the water, she see (Spot check 35) the elf flying waaaay overhead. Her curiosity piqued, she flies straight up to see it because "She's got wings!". So here we have this winged elf, being approached by a naked pixie with a serious WTF look on her face - naked pixies are not so unusual, but coming from a major human metropolis?!? And then, said by the pixie to the elf, was this irresistable invitation...
"Come down by the river and I'll show you my minotaur!"
Wah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
*tries to think of a good funny line.*
*rolls a natch 1 on memory.*
I'll try to generate some best lines ever in tomorrow's game, okay?
DM: The Priest is taken aback as the symbol of Velsharoon appears on Lukas' forehead but continues with the ceremony.
Lukas: (Under his breath.)Sorry, Mark of Justice. Not my choice.
Ryan: (Another Player) The Power Of Azuth Compels You!!!
Later, rejoining the party after the Atonement:
Lukas: (To party) You can stop calling me evil now, my Warlock powers are now tied to Azuth.
Robhim: (Druid, To Lukas) I've heard of Azuth, this means I can now call you Tool.
Lukas: I can live with that.
Maybe you just had to be there.
Hariman
Kawheek: I break a bunch of bottles in the middle of the floor, then uncork a bottle and make a wine trail to the bottom of the stairs. Then I light it off and we run!
Me: The torch falls in the wine and sizzles for several seconds, then goes out with a sad little hiss. It occurs to you that there's a huge difference between 70% rubbing alcohol and wine that might be 10% if you're lucky.
Kawheek: Oh, duh!
Duh indeed. They finally went and found some proper kindling.
I’m the DM in this sad tale, trying desperately to set a tense scene. The party rogue, with help from the mage, has snuck into the private chambers of a cleric they think is up to no good, so they go digging for evidence. Unfortunately, Out Of Character table talk sort of ruined things…
DM: So, you open the private altar, and find –
Annoying Cleric (OOC – not even in this scene): Goat’s blood!
DM: No... ::glare at the cleric:: a small locked box.
Rogue: Cool. I Find Traps (found). Disarm Traps (disarmed) And I pick the lock – (picked)).
DM: Opening the box, you find –
Annoying Cleric (OOC): Goat’s blood!
DM: No! ::glare again at the cleric:: (to the rogue) You see something wrapped in black silk.
Mage (OOC): Oooooh! Maybe it’s a portable hole.
DM: ::to the mage:: Why not let him open it and find out?
Mage (OOC) ::winces:: Sorry.
DM: (to the rogue) So you open the silk, and you find –
Annoying Cleric (OOC): Goat’s blood!
DM: No! What the &*#@ is it with you and the goat’s blood?
Annoying Cleric: Well, we think she’s actually an evil cleric in disguise, and goat’s blood is a sign of evil, so…
DM: Whatever! Anyway, (to the rogue) opening the silk parcel, you find –
Fighter (OOC - *also* not in this scene): Tampons!
DM: ::Exploding:: Fine! You find a portable hole, filed to the brim with tampons, each of them saturated in goat’s blood! Are you happy now!?!?
It was about 20 minutes before we could resume the game - everyone but me was having trouble breathing because they were laughing so hard.
But I did make my point :D
I take it those goats wheren't feeling....fresh?
Show
She wanted to try the character class, but have a "good" witch, so I made this background up for her: Her chara was originally an evil person who tried to contact a random alien intelligence to barter for more power to do more evil, but instead managed to get the attention of one of the very rare good-aligned ones. She made the deal wit it before realizing this. Now its influence was slowly turning her good, and she HATED it! It made for a nicely complicated character, and her player RP'ed it quitre well.
That's superb!
Ranger-Hey
Guard-Hi
Ranger-What's up?
Guard-Guarding
Ranger-Hey, can I see your spear?
Guard-I suppose [hands spear to ranger]
Ranger-I run with the spear!
Later, after ranger ran away with the spear and guard is on his tail.
Ranger-I turn around and attack him.
DM-[DM rolls and sighs then laughs] Congratulations...The guard fell flat on his face right in front of you.
Then there was one time when I was playing a very evil character, blackguard/death cleric half-fiend.
In an inn, Blackguard is wearing a full black trenchcoat to cover fiendish features.
Blackguard-I'd like a room for the night.
Innkeep-200 GP per night.
Blackguard-Anything cheaper?
Inkeep-Nope 200 GP.
Blackguard-Don't you think that's a bit pricey?
Inkeep-Do you want the room or not?
Blackguard-I'd like a room...for free.
Inkeep-Huh?
Blackguard-[jumps over counter, bites inkeep's neck, goes and takes a key to a room]
Blackguard-I'll take the suite.
Max: Well, there's three of you and two of us. We were originally going to go on this trip alone, so we'll take 50% of the loot, and let you three split the other 50% three ways. *rolls diplomacy/bluff*
Wade (member of other party): That's preposterous! *rolls sense motive*
DM: You succeed the check.
Max: Okay, how about 60% to you three, 40% to us (even split) *rolls diplomacy*
Wade: I like the sound of this. *rolls sense motive* [horrendously low roll]
DM: You fail the check, and feel that he is demanding that you be given too much loot.
Wade (roleplaying): You drive a hard bargain... but not hard enough!!!
In another campaign. We were on a boat, and Dothor had started the game with a heavy warhorse. He lost track of it once, and only once. Players: Human Fighter (Dothor), and various others.
Other PCs: Okay, so when we get to port we're going to have to-
[Dothor interrupts]
Dothor: Wait.. you guys... Where's my horse!?
We lost it. That was absolutely hilarious.
In our msot recent campaign, I was playing a one-night Tiefling Rogue who had actually tried to kill my Sorc/Druid but was infiltrating the party. We get captured by elves, and we're held with our arms straight up in the air by vines, and our feet are held secure.
Elf King: Blah blah blah full of myself blah blah
Me: Randomly taunting and interrupting the elf king
Vadamar: (looks around at how him and his party are held with their hands up in the air; OOC) Raise your hand if you're gay!
Next, I'd like to share parts of a particularly funny session.
Some Background: This was back when my group was a bunch of newbies. I was a River Folk (water-breathing) Shugenja of Fire (try to follow that logic) who had recently put on a belt that was thought to be a courtier's obi (+10 diplomacy) but was actually a belt of gender change, my two friends were a human fighter trying to become an arcane archer (getting ready to take a level or two of wizard) who didn't really like me, but realized I could be at least partially useful, and a human paladin (who wasn't really good at the Lawful Good thing), both of whom had just taken a set of +1 full plate from two guards we killed in a dungeon. We also had a few other friends that didn't play much of a part in the story (rogue, bard, cleric, druid). The DM was Satan...ok, not really, but his policy was: screw us just enough that we hate his guts until we cool off just before going back to school on Monday.
We had been exploring a dungeon and reached a dome-shaped room with a pool of water in it that was flowing down a waterfall, we were on platforms that circled the room and bridged the waterfall.
Me (who had not exactly been listening to the description): I swim to see what's behind the bottom of the waterfall (eager to use my swimming and water breathing capabilities).
DM: Alright, you swim over the edge and fall to the bottom.
Me: I thought we were at the bottom.
DM:
Nope.Me: Ok, since I'm at the bottom I swim behind the waterfall to see what's behind it.
DM: You see a statue of Narcissus, it fills you with a strange feeling, you are now almost the exact likeness of Narcissus (although female) and gain all his vanity. Make a will save every five rounds to avoid fawning over yourself. (OOC) I'll be nice, you can treat this with just a lesser restoration.
Me:
Oh well, I'll see what else I can find in this pool.DM: You see a cave in the bottom of the pool.
Me: I'll go through it.
Meanwhile, at the top of the chamber.
Paladin: Do you think he's okay?
Rogue: I don't know...let's play cards.
Fighter: *Sigh* I guess I'll go save him. I take off my full plate and dive over the edge.
DM: As you reach the bottom, you see a glimmer behind the waterfall, do you want to check it out.
Fighter: (OOC) He didn't yell anything about it up to us, did he?
DM: Nope.
Fighter: Sure, I swim over
DM: *Narcissus Shpiel(sp?)*
Now back to me.
DM: You reach a small alcove, there is a chest in the middle on an island above the water, but you feel a strange presence in the water...roll initiative.
I do battle with a water elemental, and do horribly because I had mainly fire spells, and when I reach -9 and stabilize, the fighter shows off and kills it, saying(remember the Narcissus stuff):
Fighter: I save the incredibly good-looking shugenja.
Me: (OOC) Does this mean we have to be incredibly attracted to each other?
DM: You bet.
Meanwhile, back at the ledge
Paladin: (After losing at cards) Forget this I'm going to go save them, I jump over the top of the falls.
DM: With your armor on?
Paladin: Yeah, of course, why not?
DM:
Roll a con check, *rolls 2* you start to drown.Long story short, we get back up, I regain consciousness, and now the former male shugenja and the fighter that hate each other have to hit on each other.
DM: Will saves, boys.
Me: *1*
Fighter: *3*
DM: Start flirting. Oh, and by the way, Suiki (my shugenja) the harrowing experience has made you fear water above all else, you are now hydrophobic, even the sound of rushing water scares you.
Me: (OOC) :OMG! But...I can breathe water, doesn't the fact that it is impossible for me to drown have any bearing on this?
DM: No.
Sorry this is so long, but its hard to understand without the setup.
Oh, and the cursed belt had originally been on the fighter, but he was able to get it removed...and then put it on my shuganja in his sleep.
Shugenja: "You can't touch this!"
Fighter: "No, you can't touch this!"
Vincent: "Try the left door."
Nagumo: "Okay."
Olivia: "No, the other left."
Efin: "No that left is my right, you mean the second left from my front."
DM: "I admire how this party can tell it's left from it's right within 3 tries."
DM: "The Assasin Dagger is a dagger, duh. The Phoenix staff is a staff and the Rune Axe-"
Vincent: "The Rune Axe is a Battle Duckie, right?"
DM: "...no."
Nagumo: "I can use any weapon here, but I doubt I have any proficiency with any of them."
Olivia: "You can use the Assasin's Dagger."
Nagumo: "Yeah, that'll go well with my alignment."
Olivia: "We don't know what it does yet."
Nagumo: "Hello, Assasin's Dagger. I have a guess on what it's for."
Party:
After I roll said d6's: My, that's a lot of sixes!
Party: :OMG!
That hit took the dwarven cleric (more HP than the rest of the party combined) down to 6.
Good times
Wotc Senario the Standing stones has a charecter called Dyson
Party includes female monk Jane
Jane: excuse me are you Dyson
Dyson: You must be jane
*Ranger Gabriel starts laughing*
GAB OOC: ME Dyson, You Jane
ALL
Player: Now I'm getting paranoid as ****.
Me: That means I earned a treat.
He rolled 7 damage for that fireball AND he hit the ENTIRE PARTY!!!!!
Me, after seeing the "Arcane" Class Acts in Dragon 341:
"I'm going to have my Hexblade call a Rabbit Familiar and have the rabbit lay on top of his head as a living Bunnyhat! It'll make people think he's less of a threat!!!"
When I came back in, my dad had the following conversation with me.
Dad: Son, I had to kill two of your pieces of pizza!
Me:
what?Dad: They tried to get away!!!
Me: How...
Dad: They just jumped out of the box. So I killed them before they got too far!
Me: Okay... You could've just asked for a slice.
Dad: And let them get away!!!??
Well the DM overheard this...
DM: Raz, make a spot check.
Raz (me): *rolls somewhere in the 30's*
DM: You noticed that the strange pasta/pie the tavern wench served you is attempting to crawl away from you and off the table.
Raz: OOC: I look at everyone else at the table with wide eyes. Before frowning.
Raz: IC: DAMMNIT DAD DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY WITH MY FOOD!!! You could just ask!!
DM: You see a older half-elf drop down from the ceiling, spearing the pasta/pie with a dagger in the process. He looks over at Raz and goes, "And let them get away?"
Party Dwarven Cleric: Just a moment here! ELVES HAVE FAMILY!?
Raz: If you can call two arcane tricksters part of the same family who can't resist messing with the other....yes.
Wish I had some good lines, but I'm still new, and I'm focusing more on running a good game than funny lines.Raz again... You have a very cool dad.
I noticed I totally miss out on funny lines now I'm DM'ing as well. Usually I wrote them down each session... or we've just been very boring lately...
DM: Ok, on you're third lap you see about 45 mephits heading towards you
Soul Knife: :OMG!
Later, the party was facing a mummy.
Cleric: Ok, after my 4 action points, I have a check result of 22, so I can turn 11 HD of undead. and my damage is.... 14.
DM: And he has HD of.... Scream and Crumble.
Fighter: Come on, I dare you to not give me an adamantine weapon
Me: Okay, you dare me, I accept, I won't, I win. :D
Fighter: Huh?
Me: You dared me to not give you adamantine.
Fighter:
We saved a NPC master chef from an Imp, and knocked the Imp into negatives but not dead.
Friendly the Dwarf: I'm going to put the Imp in my cigar box. Who knows what uses it may have!
DM: OK. ::rolls dice:: Suddenly your bag grows very warm, then cools rapidly. What was the box made of?
Friendly the Dwarf: Cedar.
DM: You need a new box.
Shortly thereafter...
NPC: ... And so the imp attacked my Calzone Golem, sending it into a berzerk rage, and then the little
got me up here, and, well you see the result.Friendly the Dwarf: Calzone Golem.
NPC: Yes the greatest joint achievement of my wife and myself.
Friendly the Dwarf: Calzone Golem.
Note: Friendly's Player is a profesional cook irl.
And finaly,
During some random transit
Friendly the Dwarf: ::singing to Batman theme:: Na na na na Friendly! Na na na na Friendly! Friendly, Friendly, Friendly!
Rouge : What do you want me to do about it?
Wizard : Quick throw me your dagger!
Rouge : Okay Catch!
Wizard : .........ugggghhh! (thud)
Rouge : Oops, oh well.
Wizard : Im about to die! HELP.
Rouge : What do you want me to do about it?
Wizard : Quick throw me your dagger!
Rouge : Okay Catch!
Wizard : .........ugggghhh! (thud)
Rouge : Oops, oh well.
:evillaugh
this was in best lines II
monk: can I have my nunchaku back?
Rogue: no, there mine now.
monk: fine, i'll take them from you.
*fails horribly*(reflex)
*group laughs histarically*
Rogue: you must be speedy!! *laughs some more*
So this is how it went: Our party's Bard/Sublime Chord was greater invisible and the party was invisible. Then the bard pulled out: Balefull Polymorph (the Berserker wasn't raging/frenzying yet).
Me (DM) - So you cast Balefull polymorph to transform him into...
Bard: A chipmunk
Me (DM) - *rolls**looks* :OMG!
:surrender Party: You okey?
Me (DM) - *shows 1 on roll* *rolls willsave* Okeeeey... You now have a Frenzying Chipmunk on the floor. The Orcs that are also in the room look at it and put it into the divining pool (Ruins of Neverwinter's Hall of Justice), where it continued to frenzy.
Party:
Me - It took me an hour to stat this opponent... ah well.
In case you ask: no I don't fudge rolls like that. Later that encounter. May not be funny to read, but do imagine a chipmunk with 14 Str that is trying to bite your legs off.
May not be funny to read, but do imagine a chipmunk with 14 Str that is trying to bite your legs off.
In the immortal words of George Carlin, "Step on that ! Step on him before he gets to the children!!"NPC Paladin: Those who defile the Light shall be destroyed! Face my wrath, villians! *Crits the Wizard*
Wizard: Holy Crap
Cleric (Me): *Says nothing and one-shots the paladin*
DM (intended Paladin to be uber):...
That was a while ago... Back when I only used 3 books :P
(is getting up all the dead guys do with their turn, KK?)
[ Yep. ]
(Nerdanel's turn, then)
[ Which is, I think, cause for a fear check ]
roll d20+2 Will
* SteelDice --> "Weenog rolls a d20+2 Will and gets 3."
[ As y'all aren't used to the undead yet. ]
*Weenog pees his pants.
(I can't pee my pants yet, it's not my turn)
Show
Our Bard about uniting Neverwinter's devided city
Bard: Let's unite them all and create ***!
Others: ?
Bard: Faerun United Kingdoms!
If you don't get it, read it out loud.
Bard: Let's unite them all and create ***!
Others: ?
Bard: Faerun United Kingdoms!
If you don't get it, read it out loud.
Tonberry is my Monk/Thief Acrobat combo. He has managed to sneak into a local smuggler's guild (he was just a Monk back then...), and starts rummaging through an office whilst the rest of the party search elsewhere. At which point, the owner of the office enters... a female Elf pirate (Fighter).
Pirate: "What the!? Where the hell did you come from!?"
Tonberry: "...well, when a mommy human and a daddy human love each other very much..."
*at this point, we had to stop play whilst everyone recovered. The DM declares that she rushes me.*
Tonberry: "Woah! Hey! I don't give physical demonstrations!"
*this went down well... and in the subsequent fight, I managed to knock her out with pretty much one combo.*
Tonberry: "Sorry to knock you up on the first date, but-"
DM: "The heavens part, and God doth speak Thou Shalt Stop the Sexual Innuendos!"
Me: "Fine by me, Tonberry's an Atheist."
I guess you had to be there...
The cast was as follows.
Lillend (using savage progression from SS, as we didn't have the planar handbook at the time)
Canomorph Druid (Feindish shapeshifting hound, Vorr based. True form is a dog with ratlike tail) Wears a Belt of Pockets with several spare outfits of various sizes.
Anthromorphic Elephant Monk.
Wyrmling black dragon Rogue. (Me)
Party started out in a desert metropolis the dm never assigned a name to. Lillend was in an ampitheatre telling tales about tails. Druid and Monk were members of the audiance. Rogue wonders in thinking he might grab a few shinies from people who aren't paying attention.
DM: Okay, (to lillend) make a preform check.
-Lillend rolls dice, some high 30's number. Enough that most of the crowd wouldn't be paying attention. Druid and Monk listen as well. Dragon is looking for an easy mark.
DM: Allright.. Rogue. Spot check.
-I roll 19.. netting me somewhere in the low to mid 20's.
DM: You see someone that looks inviting. Roll Hide and move silently on your approach. Everyone is watching the lillend, so your good to go.
-due to size modifiers for being tiny, as well as maxed skillpoints, Hide comes up at 38. Move silently scores a 20.
DM: You move up to the guy and circle him like a shark before moving in for the act. Roll to pickpocket.
-Dice are rolled. I score a 21 vs a spot roll of 2. Dm rolls some dice for treasure.
DM: Ooookay.. You get 20 gold.. a gold comb.. aaaand.. the guy's shoes.
Me: I took his shoes right off his feet?
DM: He's THAT distracted.
This continues on. After I've been in the area, the druid and monk are both given another spot check to see if anything's up. They both roll high, but not high enough to beat my hide rolls. They both have the scent ability however... so the dm alerts them that they smell a dragon in the area.. but due to neither of them rolling high enough of knowlage checks, they don't recognise the specific breed.
DM: Rogue.. make another spot check.
-I roll an 18.
DM: Allright.. you find another target.. (points to druid's mini)
Druid: Me? Just great.
Dm: Rogue.. give me your rolls.
-I roll crazy high again. Druid's spot is a 14. Not enough.
DM: Pickpocket time..
-I roll a 20, plus modifiers.
DM: Druid.. and Monk (monk was right beside Druid.. apperantly they knew each other before the game started) roll spot.
-Druid gets another 12. Monk scores a natural 20, plus modifiers.
DM: Okaaay. Rogue.. as you climb up the druid's pants.. you reach into his belt pouch and rummage around.. Monk.. you look down and see the rogue on the Druid's leg.
Monk: I grab him with my trunk, lifting him up to eye level for a better look.
DM: Allright.. you grab the dragon, who pulls what appears to be a set of woman's pants sized for an ogre out of one of the druid's pockets. Druid.. you turn around to see your friend glareing at a tiny dragon who happens to be holding one of your outfits.
Rogue OOC: I destroy the evidence.
Everyone else OCC: What?
Rogue OOC: I start trying to eat the pants. :D
And in this game, we players were part of a small group of operatives that worked for the government branch (under a work for us or enjoy an 8 by 10 cell) called Section 7.
The Crew-
-Mouse (me): 19 year old mechanical genius. Damn good with electronics, taking down security, and a decent demolishist.
-Rattler: Big (real big) bad biker dude. The meat shield. Give him a baseball bat and watch heads roll.
-Ghost: Paranoid conspiracy theorist. Good with sneaking about, but not a conversationlist. Even more paranoid now that he's 'in on it'!
-Shadow: Ex-Military sniper. Didn't do much really.
-Buddy: Ex-Military turned criminal turned pyromaniac. Tried to one-up me on big booms. The moron (Int 9).
The first adventure was the 'final test' where we were placed in a fenced-in area of desert, with one creature to dispose of.
Specifically, a Troll.
Here's some things from that misadventure.
Plan A. 'Bait and Blow'
With some raw and bloody moo meat, some dynamite, and a remote detonator, we attempted to bait the troll. Not my idea.
Buddy: This plan will definately work! Can anyone see anything?
Rattler: I think something's eating the meat.
Ghost: Anyone brought the nightvision goggles?
Mouse: I got them... Somethings got the meat... I think it's a-
Buddy: BOOM BABY!!!
(Dynamite and C4 pack under meat detonates)
Mouse:....poor Wily E...
We blew up a cayote.
Plan B. 'Electronic Search'
During this 'test', we were being watched by various cameras set up around the place. So I gets the bright idea of using them.
Mouse: Hey Ghost, bring me your PDA.
Ghost:
NO! You're gonna be like everyother punk and watch porn aren't you!!!Mouse: No, I'm not. I need it to hack into the security cameras.
Ghost: Well.....okay. (Hands over PDA)
Mouse: hmmhmm...hmmhmm.. Alright! It works! (gets out lap top)
Ghost:
YOU HAD A LAP TOP!!!Mouse: Of course.
Ghost: :
Then why did you need my PDA?!Mouse: And risk all my favorite games!?
Plan C. 'Run From the Monster'
Rattler: WHO'S IDEA WAS IT TO DO THIS!?
Mouse: It's 'whom'. If we're gonna die we might as well be butchering the English language further.
Plan D. 'Fire in the Hole'
The troll was climbing up a ladder that led down to a flooded mining tunnel. We were all at the top by this time.
Buddy: IT'S COMING UP AND I'M OUT OF DYNAMITE!!!
Ghost: It SEEMED like it was a good idea to blow up it's lair...
Mouse: I have my home made bomb! *throws it down* ....It's running on a set timer...
Rattler: Well
! CAUSE HERE IT IS!!! (Four Attacks of Opportunity Later)
Rattler: BATTER UP!!! (Swings and crits. With a bat. The Troll falls all the way back down)
Ghost:.... So when does that bomb go off?
Mouse: Well it should go off right abo-
BOOM!
Mouse:... So who wants to drag up the body?
Plan Omega. 'BBQ'
We had nothing to set the Troll on fire with. However we determined that the electric fence will do the trick....just have to drag the troll 200 yards over to the nearest fence.
Rattler: This thing's heavier than yo mama.
Buddy: DON'T YOU BE TALKING ABO-
Ghost: IT'S TWITCHING!!!!
Everyone empties at least 3 shots each into the troll.
Rattler: Why doesn't somebody else drag th-
Mouse: TWITCHERY!
More gun blazing.
Mouse: Government funded waste of ammunition. The NRA (National Rifle Association) would love to be us right now.
Ghost: Only if they like dragging a carca-
Buddy: TWITCHING!!
More firearms usage.
Kept that up for at least 15 minutes in game.
The Aftermath. AKA Finding out we'll be sharing the same apartment building.
Rattler: You keep out of my room or else!
Mouse: Yes. Of course. I fear your booze smell.
----
Mouse: Does anybody else besides me want to live in the garage?
----
Buddy: Government funded fun..... Bout time!
----
Ghost: Are you SURE there aren't any bugs in here?
Mouse: If by bugs you mean wire taps and microphones, yes. If by cockroaches and candywrappers and .....you read 'Glamour' Magazine?
Ghost: IT HAS SECRET MESSAGES!!!
----
Rattler: You say you can pimp my bike?
Mouse: Pimp it? No. Make it working and beating anything from that Choppers show. Yeah, no prob.
Dwarf NPC: "Well... since there aren't many minotaurs too much further south the worst you have to worry about are bandits..."
Onyx: "We are plenty capable of defending ourselves from bandits, should the need arise. We simply do not wish to enter a war."
H'Larek: "Pfffft, any bandit that screws with us is going to learn twenty new meanings of the word pain."
Onyx:
"Ache, affliction, agony, burn, catch, convulsion, cramp, crick, discomfort, distress, fever, gripe, hurt, illness, injury, irritation, laceration, malady, misery, pang, paroxysm, prick, sickness, smarting, soreness, spasm, sting, stitch, strain, tenderness, throb, throe, tingle, torment, torture, trouble, twinge, and wound are thirty-eight."H'Larek:
"Oh... well I guess that works... I was mainly just thinking the difference between something that makes you go "Ow!" and something that makes you go "HISS!" and something that makes you go "GOOD GOD PLEASE KILL ME NOW!!!" But your way works too, I guess."GUARD: Excuse me, sir, but there's been a robbery of a very valuable item. I need to search you.
PC: Oh, I get it! There's been a robbery, and so you search the HALFLING! Hey everyone, watch your pockets, there's a HALFLING in town! This kind of racial stereotyping really pisses me off, and frankly I expect more from a so-called "civilised" society!
DM: *the guard grabs you by the collar, hauls you off your feet, and searches you. The first pocket he picks, he finds the necklace.*
PC: ...would you accept a bribe?
It was the way he delivered the last line that made it so brilliant.
We were trying to get info from some thieves on were there buddies went because they took our gold.
Wizard:I shot my crossbow at the fleening thief.
DM:okkk...your bolt goes through one knee into another pinning his knees together.
Me:nice shot...I break the kneecaps of the one next to me.
DM:
oookkkk his kneecaps break.Darak:Hey what are you too doing there only thieves
Me:yyaa but they took our gold.
Darak:.....oh right I cleave the thieves head off with my axe.
DM:
Wizard:hey does a 15 hit
DM:
uumm yeahWizard:Alright I just killed this guy by breaking his nuts
DM:
You did what!!!Darak:aaww man don't go for the family jewels.
Master of Ceremonies: And Team 5 (Or one of its members, anyway) Is Victoroius!
Snuggles: Did you steal my sandwiches?
Maybe you just had to be there.
Fletcher: "This is a trap."
Freddo: "But Sektor would know we'd expect it to be a trap, so surely he wouldn't-"
Fletcher: "-look, just trust me on this. I'm the Rogue."
Zebias: "Maybe we should think-"
Fletcher: "-No. Disarming traps is like an erection; the more you think about it, the harder it gets."
----------
Fletcher: "When in doubt, it's the Elf's fault."
Bragg: "What if he isn't here?"
Fletcher: "It's okay, there's plenty of room in my Bag of Holding to carry the blame until we meet up again."
----------
Fletcher: "This will work, or my name isn't Baldric Ironbrow."
After defeating the two halfling rogues in the inn, the party hears the sound of the guards coming.
Party: We climb and jump out of the window into the alley
Ranger: "I pick up the unconscious halfling, throw him on my shoulder, and walk out the front door of the inn" (Int 6, Cha 4)
DM: The guards arrive in the alleyway...
Another one:
DM as BBEG: "Give me the orbs and i will let you live"
Rogue: "Ok, i'll just put these two in this bag here for you and you can have them" (Places orbs into bag of devouring and hands to BBEG).
Half-Orc barbarian fighting Drow
Drow casts Darkness
BBn: "Somebody turned off the lights!"
Later
BBn gets blinded with blindness spell
Bbn: "Somebody turned the lights out again!"
Weaponshop owner: wes get an stick wit' nails in it!
Me:.........I'LL TAKE 3!!!!!
Wizard (Me): "I wonder how dead this stream is"
Fighter: "Ok" (Pushes wizard into the water)
Wizard: "Gha! My spellbook! My scrolls!" (clambering back out of the water)
Anyway, the PS keeps shouting "He! Took! My! SWORD!" In total rage, he uses Psychic Crush (took the Expanded Knowledge Feat, I think). We go to the rolls. Natural 20 on the will save. Luckily, there's still the 3d6 of damage if it fails. 1. 1. 1.
DM: Ok, the Psychic Warrior screams about his sword, and releases a shockwave of psychic energy. It passes through everything but the thief. The thief twitches a bit but keeps on going.
Paladin to the Barbarian: See? This is why I tell you to stop raging. It dulls your focus and can weaken your prowess.
The real funny thing is that afterwords the Barbarian multiclassed into Fighter and stopped using his rage ability (for RP reasons).
Rolling 1's is always funny. Rolling 3 in a row is funnier.
time passes
DM: Make a concentration check
Me: eww, 3
DM: What? your a level 4 cleric with no ranks in concentration? you no longer get to make fun of other peoples character choices.
Adamantium Ghost-Touch Chicken.
Sailor: Who are you, Gnoll?
Me: Me? Why I am the great Captain Renarr!
Sailor: Captain eh? I did not see you come into port. Which ship is yours, Captain?
Me: Any ship I set foot on is my ship.
Playing in a pirate / high seas campaign with my Gnoll Pirate who was First Mate of his former ship (which was sunk). Having thankfully found a city on an island that we had never been to before, I go about my introduction to the town riff raff while looking for a place to gamble.
Sailor: Who are you, Gnoll?
Me: Me? Why I am the great Captain Renarr!
Sailor: Captain eh? I did not see you come into port. Which ship is yours, Captain?
Me: Any ship I set foot on is my ship.
Ahh, another graduate of the Cap'n Jack Sparrow School of Command.
The minotaur charges the giant and crits, doing 56 points of damge to her kneecaps. She retaliates with a full attack, doing 110 total damage - knocking him down to -9. If the pixie hadn't hit the giant with irresistable dance, the party would have been slaughtered.
What was funny was the build-up to the fight, which ended something like this.
Minotaur (who towers over the rest of the party): I'm gonna take you down, b*tch!
Storm Giant: (whips out her greatsword) Bring it, "little man"!
Sorscha (speaking to an NPC about Cade's N-borderline-E-ness): I never seen another halfling, but I bet he is a disgrace to his race.
Cade: Actually I'll have you know I'm a credit to my race.
This lead to a five-minuite OOG discussion about how not all halflings are theives...
Cade's Player: Name me one halfling who wasn't a theif.
Me: Frodo...
Sorscha's Player: Sam...
Me: All the Hobbits in LOTR really.
Cade's Player: They don't count, they're not halflings.
Sor's player: They couldn't use Hobbits because it was trademarked, so they used Halfling instead.
Cade's Player: Did they ever say halflings and hobbits were the same?
Me:
No, because they would get sued.Later on, Cade's player and I were IMing each other about Cade sneaking out to loot some places. After a few minuites of the rest of the party planning, I decided to have the NPC they were guarding wake up and discuss things to move along the game while Cade was (unsucessfully) trying to steal from a butcher shop. Thus came what was probably the best one-liner I've used since the first session.
DM: Okay, while Cade's playing Grand Theft Warhorse: Pollissious....
Cade's Player: Did they ever say halflings and hobbits were the same?
Me:
(Off topic, but apparently Tolkien said it. Such information was relayed in the LotR Movie exhibition, last check at the Indianapolis Museum but it mighta moved back to NZ. We now return you to your regularly scheduled humour.)
Gorg: I punch a peasant *roll* Natural 20. Umm... *confirms critical* I do 20 subdual damage with my fist.
DM: Right, he had 4 hp. His head explodes as the mighty Peasant Slayer punches him.
... several sessions later we're attacked by some kender, who might be good ...
Gorg: I punch the kender *roll* Natural 20. Did I just make him explode from subdual damage again?
DM: Yes, yes you did.
... next session when we encounter the BBEG ...
Me: Quick! Do subdual damage to him! You'll make him explode!
(Off topic, but apparently Tolkien said it. Such information was relayed in the LotR Movie exhibition, last check at the Indianapolis Museum but it mighta moved back to NZ. We now return you to your regularly scheduled humour.)
Aragorn: Two hobbits, ahflings by your tongue.
Um..yeah. That sums it right there.
Npc: That computer code will take hours to hack into. Why, just getting through the first layer will take better part of the day.
Me (smart hero with max computer use ranks and nat 18 intelligence): Done.
Npc: What?!? Done! What do you mean done?!? I programed that myself.. I mean... crap.
characters. (Shalen/Cleric/human-me, Darak/Fighter/dwarf, Rugbug/wizard/Human)
Darak:alright theres a goblin right there someone should get him....and I elect the cleric.
Me:no way your the fighter
Darak:fine you panzy its not like Ill fall or anything.
Rugbug:Hey darak watch out for that wet spot
Darak:What wet ssssssssspppppppppooooooooooootttttttt........
Me:crap.... oh well time to summon a badger.
Whats sad is that my badger missing a leg could make it but he couldn't.
another one (same characters)(minus Darak for now).
Me:ok listen Rugbug theres only 10 skeletons... How many can you take?
Rugbug:uuummm 2
Me:.......Time to bless some water.
Rugbug:wait how about I just light them on fire.
DM:the skeletons are now on fire but not burning.
Me:......Thats it I need smarter team mates, wait.... hear that?
Darak: Dwarven fury
*insert a Dwarf great cleving through 10 skeletons that were on fire*
Rugbug:What took you so long?
Me:I should kill you.
Darak:NO don't.....let me.
Funnier if you were there.
DM: You sick person, that was a 1st-level wizard! HE'S ALREADY DEAD!!!
_____
This was an excerpt from me talking to another DM:
DM: Why would you apply the Four Horsemen template to a SLUG?!
Me: It's a pretty big slug.
I was running my newly formed game, which i had put together after reading the stormwrack book. The situation my pcs found themselves in was a quite the predicament. Keep in mind before continuing that they were level 2 only. Anyways the pcs were a naga (from warcraft) Barbarian 1, a hadozee rogue2, and at this point a sea elf cleric 2. The basic premise is pretty long, but a basic sum up being that the characters had ended up at a beach which unknown to them was the sacred ground of darfellan, nobody was allowed there as the area was the past location of mass murders of the darfellan race. Anyways after being forcefully coerced by the darfellan the pcs investigated an underground river that lead them to a shallow area that opened up into an underground sea. Upon arriving they ran into a bunch of monstrous crabs and a battle ensued. Keep in mind the pcs had already hunted down a few monstrous crabs at this very same beach for the sole purpose of picking up there bodies for there shells etc to be used. Anyways the following conversation took place through out the battle:
naga: "Crabs... ah man i hate crabs we already took care of some crabs today!"
Hadozee: "There not bad we killed a couple together already"
Sea elf: "How come you guys didnt tell me about the crabs?"
Me: "Ummm guys there's a fight remember?"
Naga: "Oh yeah. Well umm well im gonna approach the crabs from the front "
... After much laughter and people finally getting control of themselves...
The battle continued...
A new pc an aventi psiblade1/sorceror1 joins the fray.
Aventi: "You guys need a hand with those crabs?"
Suffice to say im never using crabs as an encounter again... too much laughter and all.
FergusMacRoy (DM): You mentioned a ride check, Weenog. Put yer money where yer mouth is.
Weenog: (OOC) yipe... Endurance bonus applied or no?
FergusMacRoy: Hrmmm....I'll be nice and say yes.
Weenog: *rolls and gets a 41*
Weenog (OOC) holy
! literally!Other Players: :OMG!
The ogress' opposed technique/stamina check was an 8. After a few hours of NPCs showing up from elsewhere complaining of the inn sounding like a warzone, the DM now calls Weenog "Ogreslayer".
We were in a cavern and had just defeated a few more zombies after pulling our wizard off of a portcullis that had hold person on it. There was a torn up letter in the room so the wizard and two clerics stay there to decipher the script. I am playing a thief/fighter(later barbarian and potentially blade bravo) whisper gnome. So I tell the group I'm going to go scout ahead. The paladin in full plate decides to back me up...from a distance. Anyways, I search for traps, arrow trap, fail my disarm, make my reflex save. Pit trap, disarm, and then a great axe trap, I disarm. So the paladin and I go back to the room to find out what the script says. The wizard says it is a work order for traps.
"Hold person on the portcullis..." Wiz
"Tripped it." Me
"Arrow Trap..." Wiz
"Tripped it." Me
"Pit trap..." Wiz
"Disarmed it." Me
"Great Axe trap..." Wiz
"Disarmed it." Me
2nd
Same group plus a ranger, one of the clerics was "catatonic" so we could go into the brothel without too much trouble (see Ways to Annoy Your DM) So in the description the DM mentions twins. To which we flick an unopened can of Dr. Pepper. DM raises an eyebrow. The paladin says, "What? I have full plate on...THEY HAVE TWINS!!!" Much *pinging* of cans and laughter ensued.
More to come...I promise they'll be funnier...ok no I don't, I guarantee nothing.
I was playing a bard, but wait that's not the funny part, in a group that had a monk as a tank, and a psion as the wizard. The bard was the group healer, yeah we were in sad shape. So we're travelling through this cavern and the bard is rear guard and an etheral filcher pops up, attempts an attack and disappears. A little further down the way the etheral filcher pops up, attempts an attack and disappears. Happens about two more times. The DM describes the filcher's attack as a toothless bite that just does no damage. So the thing pops up again and my bard yells,
"QUIT GUMMING MY ***!"
The other Campaign
My whisper gnome rogue/fighter/barbarian now dubbed "zippy" by the paladin (40ft. move) is on a roof inspecting some gargoyle statues. Just to be safe he tied a rope around himself and the paladin is holding on to the other end. On the way back the gnome fails a balance check.
DM: Addapin(gnome, me)Make a reflex save.
Me: 8...
DM: Fail, ok Elotil(paladin) make a strength check.
Pal: uhhh 15.
DM: Ok Addapin falls over the edge and takes *rolls* 4 damage from bouncing off the wall.
Me: Pull me up!
DM: Make a strength check
*Nat 20*
Pal: Yeah I critted all over pulling the gnome up, I did pull him up right?
DM: He's a 3ft tall 30lb. gnome of course you pull him up, in fact you pull him up so hard he goes flying through the air the other direction *sarcasm*
Me: Aww crap.
Pal: Sweet, I just made Gnome-Yo.
Gnomes really do make the best jokes...
Ahh, another graduate of the Cap'n Jack Sparrow School of Command.
Yes, bathe in the glory of inspiration.
Actually, I never thought of that until you mentioned it.Suffice to say im never using crabs as an encounter again... too much laughter and all.
Try using Cockatrice with a party of perverted minds. . . Lets just say that was one **** fight I did not want to revisit when it was over.
Subsequently, a fireball from that 50th level Wizard ended our campaign, but the DM took the liberty of "rewinding time" because it was at the beginning of the whole thing. It was funny, though.
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: sometimes I wonder if the **** I used to take had permanent affects on me, though
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: like earlier today I was messing around with my D&D books building a character, nothing particular in mind...
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: and I ended up with a raging tentacle beast O.o
smirkingplague: Ritalin? I'm sure it has some kind of permanent damage attached to it..
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: weirdest part was, it was in the form of Mr Rogers
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: I'm not sure where the hell that came from but I think it's a sign of permanent damage of some sort
smirkingplague: .. You mean.. shaped like Mr. Rogers?
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: yes
smirkingplague: ...
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: mr rogers with horns and tentacles and bloodlust
smirkingplague: That sounds sick.
Shaggs 2 Dopemon: yeah
smirkingplague: And that sounds pretty close to reality. heh
Rouge: Thats it, your so going down!
(takes out dagger)
Fighter: Thats it! your over the line!
Ranger: no.. no... you need to be this tall to be over the line
(motions his hand at about 3 feet)
We had just promised a group of orcs that we would help them defeat another tribe, and were being formally introduced.
DM: The one in front introduces himself as Ug-Rotch, the powerful.
Me: Did you just say is name was Orc Crotch?
DM:...No, UG-ROTCH.
Me: It definitely sounded like Orc Crotch.
DM: Would you like to lose a point of wisdom permanently?
Me: No...
.DM: Okay, he introduces you to his brother, named...
Me: Is it Mike-Rotch?
That got a couple minutes of laughter. And I'm a fighter, I don't need the wisdom anyway. ;)
THe party has bordered a ship captianed by an Ogre. We are later attacked by a ghost of a person me, the changling bard, slew. No one in the party has any magic weapon. While the rest of the part is rendered useless, the bard lays the smackdown with Cure spells. After defeating the Ghost, the captian goes
Ogre: Mog-Thog is impressed by the bards ability to defeat an oppenet at all.
CB(Nik): Nik is impressed by Mog-Thog's ability to form a coherent sentance.
Later, after being asked what the best part of being a changeling is
Nik: The abilty to score with hot lesbians.
The new guy's druid get's a knock on the door, he opens it to be greeted by a servant sent to fetch him.
"Good evening Mr Letto sir, the king is ready to see you now."
"Oh... er, right... send him in"
"..."
This is from the same guy who we had to convince that turning into a tree (just a normal tree) in combat wasn't the most useful thing he could do & that wildshaping into a bear and eating the innocent prisoners wasn't the done thing. Bless.
So, he starts off a level lower, because he'd missed the first session, and we'd all leveled during that. He's playing a seer. After the session, we're asked what we want to do during the downtime.
Newbie: "Can I go into the woods and kill things for xp?"
We all just stared at him, and my first words were: "Oh
. We've created a monster. It's your first game, and already you're an xp hungry powergamer."Another friend: "Isn't it great?"
He did catch up in level quite quick, btw.
BBEG: You fools! You do not yet know the power which I will destroy this world with!
(Now, we had no idea his plan was the destruction of the world up untill this point...)
Me: YOU BASTARD! YOU ENDED THAT SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION! HOW DARE YOU!!!! NOW YOU MUST DIE!
Lines from Last Night's game --
Player 1-- Nobody listens to me and everyone thinks I'm crazy
Players 2 & 3 -- You ARE crazy.
Player 4 -- And I'm tired of listening to you. Let's go.
In the temple of the God of Chaos --
High Priest -- You donated the dragon scale?
Cleric -- Yes.
High Priest -- Why?
Cleric -- ... ... ... It seemed like a good idea at the time?
Party members start yelling and demanding the temple give back the donated dragon scale, punishments are handed out
High Priest -- You need to learn to stand up for yourself.
Cleric -- I DID!
High Priest -- What did you do?
Cleric -- I donated the scale. :D
Me:Ok, pulling the object out, you realise it's a large metal cube with six sides. Each side has a number and a letters on it. The numbers order from 1-6.
Wizard: What are the letters?
Me: Any particular order you want them in?
Rogue: One to six
Me: Ok, the letters are: M-O-O-B-A-K.
Paladin: Kaboom?
Me: Exactly.
*Rolls damage as it explodes*
We were in a bar and the sorcerer was heavily drunk.
Me: I'm gonna rummage through his bag and look for anything valuable(search 23 slight of hand 27)
Sorc OOC: Don't I get a spot check.
DM: OK
Sorc: (rolls -2)
DM: OK you see 6 elves all of whom are looking in different directions.
Sorc OOC: ******, also I only have 3 rations and a torch.
Me: ****** go buy something worth stealing.
Later in a grave yard. Some gnome was looking through a grave.
Me: I'll hide behind a grave and observe the gnome. (rolls)
Me OOC: Woot, natural 20
DM: Ok you're basically invisable.
Cleric: I charge the gnome.
DM: attack roll
Cleric: (rolls 1) Uhhh
DM: You miss him and fall in a grave.
Barbarian: I'm gonna throw my greatsword at the gnome.
DM: Uhh attack roll
BBN
Rolls nat 20, then nat 20, then another nat 20) :D Everyone else:
DM: Uhh, your sword hits him in the neck and decapitates him.
BBN: Awsome, fear my super sword throwing.
Brian: Oh, don't worry Justin. I practice safe hex.
me and my party were trying to recover some box and stumbled upon a guard of a tomb were we would find the object we were qeusting for.
I am trying to bluff my way in the tomb as a Half-Elf Paladin I worshipping Heironeous I tell the guard I worship Nerul. This fails misserably and now my god is angry at me. No more lay on hand, detect evil or anything of the like.
After doing some more good we level up. I just start leveling up my Paladin when somebody looks at me and go's how your god doing?
and I look at my DM and say: What do you think?
He looks back and says I need coffe with you here.
But I did get my god back and all is wel now.
Lith: "So anyway, I think I should scout ahead with you"
Rack: "Can I just ask one question?"
Lith: "Sure"
Rack: "Are you actually a boy or a girl? I still can't tell"
Noelle: I just want my character to give his character a poke in the eye.
Me: Yeah, and he'll kill you with his 23 strength :rolleye2:.
Noelle: But my character's a bard, so it'll be a charismatic poke in the eye! :D
Me:
Hellforge: what is it you have against paladins anyway? You have been on my case all night.
Angel: your pretention of being a real holy solgier is offensive, trying to take the jobs of real guardian angels. Besides You got your pathetic paladin powers via correspondance prayer, I showed up for the interview. You are but a pale imitation of my holy glory.
Hellforge: explain to me how you died and became an angel again? :D
Angel: I fell off a ladder.... SHUT UP.
Kobold Guard: HALT!! Are you here to purchase some slaves?
Raz: Actually I'm making a delivery.
KG: Delivery? You're delivering slaves for the market.
Raz: No.
KG: You're providing weapons for the guards?
Raz: No.
KG: Items for traps?
Raz: No.
KG: Money for your master to give for payments?
Raz: No.
KG: Then what are you delivering?
Raz: JUSTICE!
KG: A GOOD-DOER! *holds spear threateningly*
Raz: WITH ALE!!!
KG:...What?
Raz: To keep the guards, workforce, etcetera happy, I was ordered to deliver delicious ale to the deserving parties post-haste!
KG: What makes you think I'm gonna fall for such a cheap trick?
Raz: I have with me mugs sized in pints.
KG: THEY COME IN PINTS!
GIVE ME ONE NOW!!!Raz: Why certainly! *hands a mug down, and as the kobold reaches for the tap, Raz klunks the guard on the head for +5d6 non-lethal sneak attack damage from a mug.* You should've thought to drink responsibly.
Then, the wizard casts "Wall of Force" stopping the mortal Lightning Breath of the Dragon
Fighter: ok, Wizard, when he breaks the Wall, cast it again so we have time to escape with the treasure!
Rogue: Okay, now where do I put this? yeah! a bag of holding!
Wizard: Ok, ready!
Dracolich breaks the Wall of Force (ask my DM how he did this
)Wizard: Summon Monster!! and a giant snake appears out of nowhere
Fighter and Rogue:
Dracolich:
The Dracolich breaths and wipes out the punny snake and the wizard, in fact, it seemed that the lightning vaporized the wizard before even touching him(The characters get distracted by OOC things as they approach a basilisk. The DM makes them pay)
DM: You all get turned into stone.
Fighter: What, permenantly?
Monk: Ooh! What do I look like?
(DM rewinds a few seconds, so party is approaching the basilisk. They try to form a plan...)
Sorceror (flipping through book): Acid splash.... acid splash.....
Monk: Are you going to blind it or blind us?
Sorceror: It, duh!
Monk: No, blind me!
(Later on, the party has successfully killed a beholder (barely))
DM: The beholder's roasted husk is now bobbing slowly in the air.
Monk: Cool! Can we eat it?
Pregame setup:
Randkhad: I am Randkhad, Kalashar psion
Elton: MakeUP! Make up Randkhad!
Elton watches as hundreds of Makeup bunnies descend on Randkhad.
Randkhad: Aeee!!!!
Akash: The horror... the horror...
Elton claps his hands and they leave, making Randkhad looking ready for the camera.
The watchman: "Look, Miss Princess of Cyre, you wouldn't have anything to do with this, would you?"
Agave: "Of course not, officer."
Randkhad: The princess of a destroyed nation is running around in her underwear?
Arriana Ryvern speaks. barely a whisper "Princess... of Cyre...?" **
Arriana Ryvern: *Looks to Agave, giving her a more thorough look than before.*
Agave looks at Randkhad with that look. "The last time somebody said that to me, I branded his BUTT with my Arcane Mark!" **
Randkhad: I remember stranger things *shrugs*
Agave: "Besides, this happens to be my workclothes! I got this from my mother, who happened to be Queen of Cyre!"
Agave grabs Randkhad by the collar.
Randkhad: Erk
Agave: "Now, you aren't going to disrespect my fine family, are you!"
Randkhad: No, not realy.
Agave lets him go. Her breasts bouncing but still barely covered by the lingerie.
(71) Randkhad straitens collar
(71) Randkhad: I was mearly unaware of the way Cyre royalty dress.
Akash smirks and looks away.
Agave just stars at Randkhad with a smirk.
Agave: "Bah, Kalashtar isn't worth my time.
Starring...
Glofindel Telperin = The perverted, voyeur elven male ranger (level 4)
Myraes the eagle = The ranger's sidekick/mascot animal companion
Kelsius Fariel = The human rogue/fighter introvert (level 3)
Rexor and Raxor Stormscream = The ugly as hell (CHA 6) half orc twins babarian/fighter (level 3)
Fortuna Moongazel = The sadistic nymphomaniac elven female bard that worships Scahrossar, the godess of Pain (level 3 and played by a real female)
Duma Kraziel = The recently joined party member human paladin of tyranny that worships Nerull (level 2)
It began when the party decided to head to a sage shop to do some shopping for potions in the morning. The ugly half-orc brothers head in while the rest of the party waited outside of the shop.
Evil DM : As you wait for the ugly brothers, you noticed that a tiny flying creature that glows with illuminous light had just landed on top of the shop's roof.
Glofindel : Oh! I'll use the magnifying glass to see what is it!
Evil DM : Uhhh...oookaay.You take out the magnifying glass and aim onto the direction where the tiny creature is to get a better look...which also the same direction where the sun is as well.
Glofindel : *Realizing his mistake* :OMG! Oh crap!
Evil DM : Roll for a reflex save or get blinded permanently on one eye because i'm feeling generous.
Glofindel :
*roll* Oh please, please, please! *18* Yes!Evil DM : Luckily, you realized upon your mistake and quickly moved your hand away from your eye before blinding yourself.
Party : *Laughs*
Pixie : *Giggles*, silly man elf! I will spread your tales in every forest i encounter! *Flew away*
The next day at dawn, the party who is still in their own separate rooms. The ranger who were excited to get his animal companion, has been waitting patitently for a week.
Evil DM : Glofindel, your eagle has finally arrive and has landed on the perch of the window.
Glofindel : Yes! Finally!Come here, boy! *Points his own right shoulder* :D
Evil DM : The eagle flies and lands on your shoulder. Its talons grips hard onto you so it won't fall off. Deals 1 damage.
Glofindel : Arrggh! :OMG!
Evil DM : Duma, you're awoken by the loud scream and seems like it sounded like Glofindel, screaming in pain.
Duma : I immediately put on a shirt and grabbed my maul and head into his room by bashing the door down!
Evil DM : Oookaay...you head toward the ranger's room and tries to kick the door down. Roll for strength check, please.
Duma : 16!
Evil DM : Yes, it's enough to kick the door down.
Duma : What happened, elf?!
Evil DM : Glofindel, you suddenly see that the door in your room has been kicked down and noticed the handiwork of Duma whose both hands still carries the maul and standing there...half naked.
Glofindel :
Oh god! Arrggh! Put on some pants!!Duma : Oh crap...never mind, i head back to my own room...
Evil DM : Myraes saw Duma's nether regions and began to twitch uncomfortably. Kelsius, you heard the second scream of Glofindel in agonizing pain.
Kelsius : I head to investigate the commotion immediately.
Evil DM : Oookaay...And now, Kelsius has arrive into the room...naked.
Kelsius :
Oh no...i forgot to dress up...Glofindel : :OMG! Arrggh! My eyes!!
Evil DM : Myraes, your eagle, saw the sequel of the wang fest, began to fall on its back, foams coming out of its beak and its body jerks like in spasm. The screams attracted the patrons and the workers in the Inn and went to investigate.
Kelsius : Oh no...
Evil DM : A small crowd of people gathered outside of Glonfindel's room, shocked to see a naked man in the room with an elf and a spastic eagle on the floor. Congratulations, Kelsius, you're now very famous in the Inn.
After breakfast, Glofindel waited outside of the inn for the rest of the party members while carrying a bucket with Myraes inside because the poor eagle was traumatized by most of the party who they ordered the meat of the day...eagle.
Rexor : It's a fine meal *Picks his teeth with the bone of the eagle*
Glofindel :
I pull out my bow and arrow and aimed the stupid half orc for teasing my eagle! Raxor (OOC) : Hey!What happened to the eagle?Weren't you holding the bucket?
Glofindel : Oh crap...
Evil DM : Thank you for reminding me. As a result, you dropped the bucket with the poor traumatized Myraes still inside, to the ground. Don't worry, the eagle is shaken and not injured.
Glonfindel (OOC) :
I pat my poor eagle on its head...The party decided to start a tavern/brothel house business. After spending 10-15 minutes trying to find a suitable name for their shop and decidedly to name the shop as the 'Spastic Eagle', whose idea by the lovely nymphomaniac Moongazel. There onward, they began their search for 'employees'. Moongazel managed to find a gigolo and wants to sample his boasted great performance before hiring.
Evil DM :
You're sure?Moongazel : Yup! *With her eager perkiness* :D
Evil DM : Oookaay...
After a few rolls and few hours of game time, Errol, the gigolo, is tired out but Moongazel kept on going (Good CON check rolls) and wants to 'owned' the poor man as her property 'b*tch'. Next room, both Duma and Glofindel made a peeping hole a bit larger to voyeur.
In the end, i pity the eagle, Errol and myself.
An out of game discussion of my friends' characters.
Noelle: I just want my character to give his character a poke in the eye.
Me: Yeah, and he'll kill you with his 23 strength :rolleye2:.
Noelle: But my character's a bard, so it'll be a charismatic poke in the eye! :D
Me:
Yep. And if he touches me again, I'll give him charasmatic kick in the nards.
A new character joins the group. (Margo is new, Glinfaëwyn is the party leader, and #3571 is a very stupid Barbed devil known affectionately as "Cuddles")
Margo: Who are you?
Glinfaëwyn: You first.
Margo: The host always introduces herself first.
Glinfaëwyn: Not if the host doesn't know the other person first!
Margo: You will if you want to wake up tomarrow morning!
#3571/Cuddles: Sandwhichessss... :D
It went on like this for another ten minutes before we got anything done. :rolleye2:
Describing a Howler:
Me: You see what looks like an emaciated great cat with spikes like something out of a Goth jewelry basket and teeth like something out of Transylvania.
Margo (OOC): Sounds like a displacer beast!
Me:
It's tawney and covered in spines, not purple with tenticles. Margo (OOC):
Shut up! In battle:
Glinfaëwyn (OOC): I strike with strikey strikingness! :D
Cuddles (OOC): You're not allowed to talk anymore
Only character left consious, boasting about how he's going to dish out some hurt to the enemy, while I roll the enemy's attack:
Cuddles (OOC): Bring em on! *Sees what I rolled* oh god!
Margo (OOC): Well, you said to bring em on. :rolleye2:
Cuddles (OOC): I didn't think she'd roll a critical!
Seeing some Gnolls in the next cell of the arena they're in (Only Cuddles understands them)
Gnoll: Look brother, it seems we have some new blood!
Cuddles (to the others): I think they plan to eat us!
That's all I have for now
~Ajehy
The newest character, Margo (me), had just joined the group. After making introductions (eventually) I began to converse with the parties official bricks for brains member.
Cuddles: Do you like sandwiches?
Me: No.
Cuddles:
Me: Cookies are much more fun.
Cuddles: DIE!
Me: Don't make me come over there and smack you with my.....pan flute...
Cuddles OOC: Yeah, I thought so.
"It must be two stone golems in an iron room!!" Said after hearing the sound of metal against stone in a nearby room. It was actually two Iron Defenders, so he was close enough.
That's all I have right now.
We have just started an Eberron campaign, beginning at 1st level (as you do). Party consists of Silvergrim (dwarf fighter), Dellen (shifter rogue), Taliesin (human fighter), Tiera (Human F Monk (Me)), Levin (human wizard, absent from the encounter below). We ended up being corralled into helping hunt down the leader of a group of bandits in a nearby forest, and set out with an NPC ranger leading the way. Sure enough, we got led into an ambush, with three Bandits shooting at us from the cover of a fallen tree.
Well, we take cover and respond with a volley of our own, whereupon Silvergrim realises that while he is carrying a great line in axes, he has NO MISSILE WEAPON. So he charges, which takes some time for a dwarf in armour in a forest :D . Fortunately these guys are about as accurate as we are and cannot hit him for the side of a barn door. Meanwhile our rogue gets in a lucky shot and fells one, while the ranger flanks them and shoots another. Seeing this, Tiera decides to try and take the last one alive if she can and rushes in, overtaking Silvergrim as he reaches the fallen tree (compare speeds of unarmoured human monk vs. armoured human dwarf, no contest). The last bandit decides that discretion is the better part of valour as Tiera vaults over the log and Silvergrim rolls under it. DM takes actions in initiative order.
DM: the last bandit is running for it, what do you do?
Tiera (first up): chase after him.
DM: OK, you’ll catch him next round if you both run as normal. Next?
Dellen: I’ll drop out of the tree I’m in, as I don’t have a clear shot at him anymore. [Spot the intelligent player]
DM: Next?
Silvergrim: I’ll search the bodies for loot.
DM: Next?
Taliesin: If I get a clear shot at this guy, I’ll shoot him as he runs.
DM: Well, Tiera just popped up right behind him, running on his heels.
Taliesin: OK, if I get a clear shot I’ll shoot. [starts rattling dice]
Tiera: Er, I am in your line of fire?
DM: There isn’t really a clear shot.
Taliesin: 14! Does that hit?
Tiera:
Oh s**t ….DM: Hmm
… [rolls dice] … Tiera, what is your AC?Tiera: [sigh] 15.
DM: [to Taliesin]: roll again.
“Sureshot” Taliesin: 18! Do I get him this time?
DM: Roll damage …
“Sureshot” Taliesin: 6. does he drop?
DM: No, but Tiera does with your shaft sticking out of her back …
Tiera: I'm still on 2, but I drop and roll. I call: "Look out, there's another
archer!"“Sureshot” Taliesin: How did that happen?
DM: She was in your line of fire, and you missed him and hit her.
“Sureshot” Taliesin: But I said I’d only shoot if I had a clear shot!
DM: You didn’t have a clear shot but you still rolled the attack.
“Sureshot” Taliesin: Nobody told me!
Rest of Party:
Needless to say, Tiera was the party's ONLY casualty up to that point.
Want to hear something really scary? Taliesin levelled up and took a level in Barbarian ... I think he likes the idea of Rage .... :OMG!
Me: "Okay, the Kyton stands, AoOs..."
(AoOs bring the Kyton down to 1 hp)
Me: "Kyton drops his chains, suddenly, they come alive and sprout barbs and hooks, surrounding Harley (the tank) they all attack..."
(The first one nat-1s...so, I apply my nat-1 rules...and as a result...)
Me: "...And the Kyton knocks himself out."
Party:
Exalted Cleric: Ok guys let's get to mainland
Druid: Alright, we'll steal their rowboats.
Cleric: We shouldn't steal them, let's just use our ioun stones of water breathing to walk under the water
Druid: Look at it like this- We could walk on the ocean floor and come up out of the water like some crazy cats in full-plate and everybody would be like "double-you-tee-eff" OR We could steal the boats and row up to shore and everybody there would be like "Yo, sup"
After a year hiatus from adventuring, the party meets back up
Warlock: So how'd you spend the year?
Cleric of Fharlanghn: oh, I went to the Plane of Air for about six months
Warlock: Why?
Cleric: Why not?
Warlock: Want to go to the plane of Shadow?
Cleric: SURE!!
NOTE:
Me: "...And the Kyton knocks himself out."
No, I'm not making this up.
Party:
Bard: OOC: It would be funny if the Water Elemental killed himself on a 1.
DM rolls dice.
DM: And the Water Elemental swings, hits himself and poofs back into seawater.
Party:
:bounce:Me: Private, rub me down!
Guard: Well, I don't know...
Me: That's an order!
Needless to say the enemy was awe-inspired by my glistening muscles.
In version 2.0 of our campaign the party was defending a tower from the enemy forces. I played a monk who was a body builder and tanned in the nude every day. We had a small group of npc fighters helping us out. As the enemy nears I pull out an oil of magic fang and proceed to run out the door. I toss the oil to the guard outside.
Me: Private, rub me down!
Guard: Well, I don't know...
Me: That's an order!
Needless to say the enemy was awe-inspired by my glistening muscles.
Can you not see the sincerity in these muscles? Must I show you? (Tears off shirt, presses bulging muscles into lower ranked soldiers face.) Feel the pulse of my sincerity each time I flex my magnificent muscles!
I'll stop with the Colonel Armstrong of Fullmetal Alchemist references. (Sounds just like the character you played. I'm not kidding.)
My warlock relayed a plan to the party on how to entrap an evil cleric of Velsharoon recently. Including using a friend (The Male Human "French" Wizard) as bait, leaving him very vulnerable.
Warlock: So that's my plan
Druid: That's your plan?
Warlock: That's my plan.
Druid: I'm noticing a hole in your plan.
Warlock: I did too. That's why I'm running it by the party.
Wizard: I am not bait!
The debate raged on for another half an hour, my warlock went God Shopping during the day.
High Cleric of Mystra: Well, it sounds more like you want a new source for your power than anything else so I don't think Mystra would look kindly upon me if I asked her to take you into the faith. I can recommend Azuth, he's in charge of Velsharoon and he might want to take you into his faith to stick a finger in Velsharoon's eye.
Later, After the party tells the Archmage of the City's Wizarding School About the evil Cleric's plots and schemes (That my warlock knows of.)
Archmage: Um, yeah. That's more than enough evidence what with the Mark of Justice and the Harm spell on the Warlock. And the Kidnapping ordered on the Wizard. And the torture chamber in his basement.
female npc to our warforged warlock: "GOOD LUCK MEGAMAN" yeah
monk npc: "u have been granted the title of grand master" the monk in the party was named bates
2 kenku characters swallowed by behir(lived through it too" war mage says : "he feels like chicken tonight"
kenku rogue: "im gonna peck ur damn eyes out"
*smites spsilon for stealing comic lines*
Can't say you didn't, cause I've rad the B&G archives several times and know almost every line by heart.
Yeah...
My brother (10 years old and since we're Dutch he doesn't speak much English (but enough to play DND of course) plays a human Clr of Pelor.
DM (me) playing a shopkeeper: I've got a very special offer for you. This is a +1 heavy mace, and if you press this button a ray of light will emerge from the other side of the mace. Only 2500 GP!
So my brother writes on his character sheet:
+1 light heavy mace
To avoid these things happening to me, I wright down half of the stuff on my Character sheet in English and the other Half in Dutch fi I have no clue what to nam it in English. Mabey a little tip for your brother.
A little background: Home-made world, where PCs start at level 0 (effectively commoners), and gain their first level the first evening they play. Most of the characters are lev. 2, with the exception of my wizard, who is a whopping lev. 3 conjurer.
Basically, it did not take us long to discover that these two new 0-level characters (identical twins, one good, one evil. Of course.) were
a) incompetent, because they had been wandering in the wilds for 40 days looking for the biggest city in this part of the world, instead of following the major highway, and they were half-starved as a result. Their attempt to rob us (!) failed miserably as well.
b) slightly stupid, because they tried to rob a four-man party armed only with a decrepit crossbow, one single crossbow bolt and two bread knives.
c) obnoxious.
d) dirt-poor, since they had one gold coin between them, and alternated ownership of it. Since I have certain evil tendencies, I tricked the Good Twin out of his share in it, and bought the other share from the Evil Twin. So effectively, they owned 5 sp.
After a long time of trying to lose these two losers, and having each other arrested for attempted highway robbery and fraud (seriously confusing the authorities), we ended up in a tavern when the Good Twin walked in. He sat down with us and managed this gem:
Good Twin: So listen, I was hoping you would let us join your group. You see, my brother is always causing mischief and getting us into trouble, and I need someone to help me to show him that goodness and righteousness is better...
Everyone else:
Good Twin: What would you want from us so we could join you? Name it, anything. We don't have anything to offer, but...?
Everyone:
The only thing that saved them was that our Dwarf Ranger for some unknown reason did a 180 and decided to help these poos sods out...
PC 2: There's Katarina Quidain, and Steward Mordred Garramond, Niccoli Pennist and Thomas Slaine...
PC 3: Oh gee, that's just great. They -all- sound evil.
PC 1: Yeah, why can't we ever have NPCs named Mr. Happy Face or Sunshine and Daisies!
---
In a Cthulhu game:
GM: There is a door at the top of the stairs.
PC 1: Is it a spooky door?
---
The Wizad, attempting to insult the Barbarian:
PC 1: He hits things with other things and calls it a plan.
---
Pirate leader: What happened here?
PC 1 (bluffing): We were jumped by the town guard. We were the only ones who survived.
Pirate leader (noticing that one of the pirates was alive but unconscious): Quickly, help me get this man to the priests! He's not quite dead yet and we might still be able to heal him!
PC 2 (stabbing the unconscious pirates through the heart with his longsword): No, I'm pretty sure he's dead, too.
Later on:
The party kept stopping more pirates and were hiding the bodies in their bags of holding. The bags started to stink after a while, but they needed to get rid of the bodies. What did they do? Took a rowboat out into the ocean and chummed the bodies.
Later on:
When the sharks appeared to feed, one got too close to the boat. The rogue shot it in the nose with a crossbow bolt and the shark took off. Now the legend of the shark with the crossbow bolt in its nose is passed from generation to generation . . .
Next campaign:
Lots of the PCs are related to each other. I had to make a family tree to keep it all straight:
Ahz to Karr: I don't like you sleeping with my mother.
Artemis to Ahz: You're one to talk! You're sleeping with my half-sister!
Loric to Artemis: You're no better! Your shadowdancer shadow companion is one of my dead great uncles!
Artemis to Loric: Shut up, or I'll . . . I'll . . . sleep with YOUR mother!
Loric to Artemis: I was an intelligent sword given human form, remember? I don't HAVE a mother! I was made by two GUYS!
Ahz to Artemis: And one of those guys is my adopted brother!
Artemis: Dammit! Who CAN I sleep with?!
Everyone at once (after a few seconds of silence): We're gonna need the family tree . . .
..........
*smites spsilon for stealing comic lines*
Can't say you didn't, cause I've rad the B&G archives several times and know almost every line by heart.
Yeah...
Bob and George is the awesome.
DM: Make Reflex saves. (DC 20)
Every one makes it. 10 damage from a Lightning Bolt to everyone except my Rogue.
Later
DM: ok, everyone but the cleric make a Reflex save. (DC 20)
two of the four make the save to avoid the pit trap. My Rogue who backflips onto safe ground, and the Psi-Blade who jams his Soul Knife into the wall and climbs up with it.
DM: ok, as it is 150 feet fall, I need more D6's. Thanks. Now I've wanted to say this for a while, so, 'This is not thunder I AM rolling damage'! ok, 64 damage. The Artificer got out of it by UMDing a Scroll of fly, and the Ranger got an Entangle off, so they both amazingly survived!
Finaly, the room after the pit trap
DM: Its completely clean, and there is a pillar in the center.
Me: Ok, I'm going to go ahead and Indiana Jones it. Beware of Boulders.
DM: Reflex save. (DC 17)
I made it. I also made the save from reseting the Flame Pillar spell. then I made the DC 30 Disable Device check.
at the end of the session, we are in the final area, so we decide to stop for the night.
Psi-Blade: Man tonight was a rush!
"I'm getting hard just looking at you."
Male fighter in social situation with charismatic female Medusa:
"I'm getting hard just looking at you."
Booooooo!
Lots of the PCs are related to each other. I had to make a family tree to keep it all straight:
Ahz to Karr: I don't like you sleeping with my mother.
Artemis to Ahz: You're one to talk! You're sleeping with my half-sister!
Loric to Artemis: You're no better! Your shadowdancer shadow companion is one of my dead great uncles!
Artemis to Loric: Shut up, or I'll . . . I'll . . . sleep with YOUR mother!
Loric to Artemis: I was an intelligent sword given human form, remember? I don't HAVE a mother! I was made by two GUYS!
Ahz to Artemis: And one of those guys is my adopted brother!
Artemis: Dammit! Who CAN I sleep with?!
Everyone at once (after a few seconds of silence): We're gonna need the family tree . . .
That's classic. In fact, that's better than classic.
That's f'nuckin' hilarious!
although we do have a guy who keeps refering to his wands of fireball as boomsticks
..........
*smites spsilon for stealing comic lines*
Can't say you didn't, cause I've rad the B&G archives several times and know almost every line by heart.
Yeah...
Cmon, that is a classic peurile joke. You can't attribute any joke about Master Bate to Bob & George. That would be like saying any joke about Jews is a Mel Brooks original. Sure Mel Brooks has made some hilarious jokes about his own people, but he was far from the first to do so.
take out a few hell hounds and see a illision of a bigger one the first group gets bye just fine.
then come along the guys with good will saves
DM: make spot checks
AT & S: okay (both roll ones house rule to auto fail)
DM: okay you see a monstrous hell hound
Shugenja: okay i fire my cross-bow at it
DM: okay make will saves
AT & S : okay again both ones
DM: okay the bolt goes threw the hel hound
AT: OMG! a monstrous displacer hell hound i havent seen one of these in a while
in another group
We find out the guy we are working for get killed by his hot daughter
Daughter: okay now what did you guys want?
Me: are we still getting paid( rogue)
Scout Diverish: (a womanizer) umm.... a hand job
and then after he gets head from a vampire some one asks how was it
the immidiate reply: umm cold and Unholy.
Nerdanel: Halfling face rogue, seems to like to see the big guys punished
Weenog: Goblin archery style ranger, plays dart games for pocket change when he's low on cash. Rather cowardly.)
(The party is in a bar, resting and recuperating after some heavy-duty adventuring that involved the complete destruction of an island they were recently on.)
Tuk:
*to a barkeep in a hushed voice* "Any..uh..you know..places where a man might..win some money?" Barkeep:
"Merchants don't like gambling in town."Tuk:
"Right right. Of course. I was just curious, you understand."Nerdanel: :angelhide "I'm sure Weenog would be willing to shoot darts with you."
Tuk: *eyes Weenog* "Or I could just give him all my money now and save time.":surrender
-----------------
(Rested up, the party has gone to the Merchants' Guild to report on their progress (omitting the part about blowing up an island along the way).)
Fat Guildmaster: *pacing around nervously as the group arrives*
"What took you so long? The ship docked this afternoon! How bad is it?"Tuk: "We needed to regroup."
Weenog: *comes out cautiously from hiding behind Tuk*
"We have rough week, needed time eat, rest, recover. News from Lupercal good, though."Fat Guildmaster: :headexplo "HOW good?!"
Weenog:
"...King Larson Halfhand say for Merchant Guild, one ship of cargo each month, any size... no tax."Nerdanel: *startled into standing silently and letting the others do the talking*
Fat Guildmaster:
".......Any size?"Weenog and Tuk agree quickly.
Fat Guildmaster:
*lets out the yell from the beginning of "Larger than Life"* "YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAA-HAHAHAHAHAAAAAA
AAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!" :evillaugh
Weenog:
"AAIIIEEE!!!" *dives under the desk to hide*Weenog: (rolls Hide: 27)
DM: Weenog disappears entirely. Into a drawer. And closes it after him.
Tuk:
"By the gods!"Unfortunately the context of that phrase and the conversation that followed it would be so offensive to those of the Christian faith that furnishing the details would most likely violate the CoC, but it included speculation about whether any of the Apostles had enough Cleric levels to cast Resurrection, and at one point one of my players composed (right off the top of his head no less) a sort of TV sitcom theme song for Werewolf Jesus that bore a charming similarity to the song that played at the opening of the Spider-Man cartoon show from the 60s.
Well, in last week's game I became the first person in human history (or so I desperately desperately hope) to begin a sentence with the phrase "Well, if Jesus had been a Werewolf...".
Unfortunately the context of that phrase and the conversation that followed it would be so offensive to those of the Christian faith that furnishing the details would most likely violate the CoC, but it included speculation about whether any of the Apostles had enough Cleric levels to cast Resurrection, and at one point one of my players composed (right off the top of his head no less) a sort of TV sitcom theme song for Werewolf Jesus that bore a charming similarity to the song that played at the opening of the Spider-Man cartoon show from the 60s.
Sounds rather bent to me. But, even though I am a Christian, I have a sense of humor. I'll bet the conversation was pretty funny.
Maybe cartoon network will hear of the conversation and make it into the next "Edgy" cartoon.
These lines might not seem funny. But remember, it came after two hours of trying to corner an invisible enemy caster.
Cast of Characters: Robhim, a druid. The DM, having fun with an invisible undead summoning spellcaster. In a basement that was full of illusory walls and many (8) rooms with a set of secret passageways. And only my Warlock can see him with See the Unseen.
Robhim: I move next to him and start to cast Summon Nature's Ally 2. Does he take his attack of oppurtunity?
DM: *Blinks* He Can't.
Robhim: He's a skeleton, he's got a claw attack.
DM: *Blinks again* OK, he attacks, and he hits, you take 1 point of damage. Roll a concentration check.
Robhim: *Rolls check, gets an 18* I keep the spell. He's visible now.
DM: ****, I can't believe I did that. Good Job.
Keep in mind that that battle lasted 37 rounds. The preceding events occured in round 34.
Sounds rather bent to me. But, even though I am a Christian, I have a sense of humor. I'll bet the conversation was pretty funny.
Maybe cartoon network will hear of the conversation and make it into the next "Edgy" cartoon.
These lines might not seem funny. But remember, it came after two hours of trying to corner an invisible enemy caster.
Cast of Characters: Robhim, a druid. The DM, having fun with an invisible undead summoning spellcaster. In a basement that was full of illusory walls and many (8) rooms with a set of secret passageways. And only my Warlock can see him with See the Unseen.
Robhim: I move next to him and start to cast Summon Nature's Ally 2. Does he take his attack of oppurtunity?
DM: *Blinks* He Can't.
Robhim: He's a skeleton, he's got a claw attack.
DM: *Blinks again* OK, he attacks, and he hits, you take 1 point of damage. Roll a concentration check.
Robhim: *Rolls check, gets an 18* I keep the spell. He's visible now.
DM: ****, I can't believe I did that. Good Job.
Keep in mind that that battle lasted 37 rounds. The preceding events occured in round 34.
:heehee
A raging ranger with twf feat line. Yeah, that'll cause some hell.
Worked for Belkar.
Anyway..
A rogue (me) has left his group in a huff after getting into an arguement with the party wizard. This is during the cusp of a orc versus human/elf war and while trekking through the woods, a party of about ten orcs shows up. My rogue gets heard by an unlucky roll and the group sends two orcs up the hill to investigate. Hiding, I quick sneak attacked one and killed it. Then the other heard, so I killed that one as well.
Being a not-so-huge level and the fighter not being with me, I panicked when I heard the orcs below beginning to shift and sure enough, beginning to send more to investigate. Quick thinking with my walnut sized brain, my character says
"I see no human, Big Butt. (My character winces at the lame, spur-of-the moment name he thought of)" Naturally, the DM rolls sense motives and the keep talking.
"You know what, I hate you Smelly. Die! (Obviously, another crappy name)" I then toss the first orc down the hill. And then, using the first voice. "That fixed you. Oh, I tripped!" Then I tossed down the obviously well place stabbed orc down the hill. Two orcs dead... and I made all the bluff checks.
Big Butt and Smelly.
Yeah, fooling orcs isn't exactly hard but...
~~~
In another scenerio, the group my dragon disiciple sorcerer belongs to (Human Paladin of Tyr, Human Cleric of Lathander, and Hobgoblin Barbarian) meet a centaur friend of ours when we heard a creature was picking off fouls from the centaur herd. We went after it after finding out it was a jumajimas, that big monkey with the 'fro? And how it could morph into small creatures. So we surrounded ourselves with web spells so no big creatures could get through.
Its night when we're all making sporadic spot checks. Then, my character gets nudged by the cleric who slightly indicates his eyes to this darling little cute squirrel that has gambled up to our horse. My sorcerer slowly looks down, his eyes widening... the squirrels eyes slowly narrow. My sorcerer, panicing, screams...
"SQUIRREL!!!!!" Then casts charm monster.
... hey, it was funny at the time.
Anyway, we've got a few captives, and they're not talking. Thorg insists to have a chance to work with them. So he does his thing, but a little lower than normal. He tore out one guy's ______. Take a guess what. The key thing is guy. The result is that everyone else is making fortitude saves to avoid puking. The other captives and Thorg's own comrades. Once that's over, we get our information fast. However, Thorg's teammates are angry, and the following conversation ensues:
paladin: Thorg, you can't do that. Such torture is inhuman.
Thorg: Hey, it's not as bad as killing him.
everyone in unison: It's worse.
Thorg: Bah, have a cleric fix it.
However, a short while later, we found ourselves running back there, being pursued by a group of guards from the upper levels (we were trying to sneak in, but had accidentally triggered an alarm spell on one of the ladders). We got to the catwalk and positioned ourselves for battle, when the Spirit Shaman of our group (played by my roommate and best friend--a very bright guy who, whenever he plays DND for some reason, has a tendency to do very odd and not altogether bright things), decided to try to get the golem to help us. Not a bad idea in and of itself, but what happened next was priceless.
"Kill the intruders!" he said to it. Of all the things to say, and of all the ways to word the command, he says it that way.
The golem looked at him for a moment, and then punched him in the nose as the guards arrived and started attacking. He had neglected to consider that, in this particular case, we were the intruders.
"Stop killing the intruders! Stop killing the intruders!" he said, backing away hurriedly.
So he does his thing, but a little lower than normal. He tore out one guy's ______. Take a guess what. The key thing is guy.
Sin City anyone?
Here's the party:
Me, a dwarven fighter called Tungsten Hammersong, a human fighter called Xavier, a half-orc fighter/barbarian/cleric called Krunk, a human rogue/ranger called Aldenn, and an anthroomorpic raccoon cleric called Reggie.
First setup.
We're in what's left of a large town that has been ransacked by demons, hiding in the basement of a wizards tower.
It consisted of several rooms, and we are a back room, standing around a half-transparant safe that was trapped and locked, and pondering whether the items that were inside (a shield, dagger, scrolls and a sack) are magical. We do know the shield and dagger are masterwork, or at least of very high quality.
Krunk: So...can anyone tell whether they are magical?
Reggie: Sorry, all out of Detect Magic for the day...
Tungsten: I'll just have to use my Dwarven Detect Magic then shall I?
Let's see... Masterwork items in a magical vault that shoots lightning, in a room filled with magical supplies, which had a door that also shot lightning.
This door was at the end of a trapped hallway, next to an arcane laboratory where we fought a several elementals, all in the basement of a powerful wizard's tower...
YES! THEY ARE MAGICAL!
Later on we have fled the ex-city, and on the road we stumble unto what seems to be a pair of peasents staring at the broken wheel of their cart.
Krunk: Hello there. What's wrong?
Peasent: Broken...
Krunk: Er... anything we can do?
Peasent: Broken...
Krunk: Ok... did you come from the city to the west?
Tungsten: Also broken by the way.
Distracted Player: "Cloudbert."
----
Me: "I try to calm the horse down and lead it away from battle."
DM: "The Horse clams down and licks you."
Me: *inappropriate grin* "Where?" :D
----
Captured Assassin: "Look, if you let me go, I'll kill anyone you want."
Necromancer: "But if you killed my enemies for me...who would *I* get to kill?"
----
DM (as NPC Cleric): "What's wrong?"
Sorcerer: "I just lost a wrestling match with my FAMILIAR!"
----
Wizard, talking to rat familiar: "ALL RIGHT! I'll bloody pick up ranks in Move Silently and Hide! Now leave me alone!"
----
"So a Barbarian/Bard is a Bardbarian, a Druid/Wizard is a Drizard, what's a Monk/Cleric? A Meric?"
"No, a Clunk."
I once gamed with an entire family. Mother(DM), Father, and two teenage daughters(14 & 16). The youngest was playing the rouge, and denied her resposiblity to searh for traps. After much pleading from the group, and several painfuly sprung traps later, the DM(her Mom, remeber?) finaly snaps and proclaims "play nice or I'm sending you to bed with no Experience!".
A threat that will live in nerd infamy forever.
The party consists of a fighter, a ranger/warmage, a bard, and an elementalist specializing in air(elementalist is a homebrew class, basically a variant warlock, name of Zephyr). I'm the DM. The players are curently fighting the campaign's reoccuring villian/BBEG, Turmeg. The elementalist and Turmeg are curently in in air.
DM: Zephyr, Turmeg flies up to you and *rolls critical* grabs you with his stiched undead arm. You feel a horribble chill spread through your body. You take 12 points of Str damage.
Zephyr: Ohh...I'm at 0 Str. Wait, do I fall?
DM: No, the fly spell only requires mental action to maintain. So right now you sorta look like Stephen Hawking, if Stephen Hawking could fly.
(once the laughter stops)
Bard: (in bad imitation of a British accent) Here we see the rare Flying Stephen Hawkings, making their yearly migratory trip to warmer souther climates.
Margo: I run up and try to hug the half-dragon!
Me:You fall right through him and faceplant on the floor.
Margo: (Face-down on the floor) I knew it was fake!
Determining the Concentration DC for casting a spell while Margo's hanging from one's tail:
Me: That's 10 + spell's level +.... hey, Margo! you never wrote your weight down! I'll just rule that as a 5' tall satyr you weigh around 100lbs...
Margo (OOC): Whee, I'm fat!
Me: (Looming over Margo's player) That's how much I weigh!
Margo (OOC): I mean slim and pretty! He heh, nice DM...
Cuddles is a very stupid Barbed Devil. He is convinced that the Rogue is his mommy.
Bintary (NPC): Silence, Elf!
Cuddles: Wait.. mommy's an elf? But I'm not an elf... which means I must be... a half-elf!
Talking to Bintary (NPC, owns the enslaved PCs). Margo (a satyr) won't leave his weight alone.
Margo: Fatty! Fat-fat fatty!
Bintary: You know something? I have a fondness for roasted goat.
Margo:
I hide behind Cuddles.Rolling Knowledge (Geography) checks about the desert city of Saemar that they're in:
Cuddles
OOC) I rolled a 1, -1, for a total of zero. Me: You're certain that Saemar is a hidden city of mutant fish people in the Abyss. :D
Cuddles:(imitating Cronk) Oh yeah, it's all coming together.
"Stop looking at my knickers!" (flying female mystic theurge in a mini-skirt to the males in the party on the ground)
"I want a talking sheep"
Margo's version of revealing the truth behind a silent image.
Margo: I run up and try to hug the half-dragon!
Me:You fall right through him and faceplant on the floor.
Margo: (Face-down on the floor) I knew it was fake!
Determining the Concentration DC for casting a spell while Margo's hanging from one's tail:
Me: That's 10 + spell's level +.... hey, Margo! you never wrote your weight down! I'll just rule that as a 5' tall satyr you weigh around 100lbs...
Margo (OOC): Whee, I'm fat!
Me: (Looming over Margo's player) That's how much I weigh!
Margo (OOC): I mean slim and pretty! He heh, nice DM...
Cuddles is a very stupid Barbed Devil. He is convinced that the Rogue is his mommy.
Bintary (NPC): Silence, Elf!
Cuddles: Wait.. mommy's an elf? But I'm not an elf... which means I must be... a half-elf!
Talking to Bintary (NPC, owns the enslaved PCs). Margo (a satyr) won't leave his weight alone.
Margo: Fatty! Fat-fat fatty!
Bintary: You know something? I have a fondness for roasted goat.
Margo:
Rolling Knowledge (Geography) checks about the desert city of Saemar that they're in:
Cuddles
Me: You're certain that Saemar is a hidden city of mutant fish people in the Abyss. :D
Cuddles:(imitating Cronk) Oh yeah, it's all coming together.
And these dandies too.
The group had been led into some catacombs to go and kill *something* Gwen, the previous leader, elfen rogue, goes to check an iron doorway in front of us for traps. She gives us the go ahead, finding nothing.
Gwen: It's okay! No traps here!
Margo: FINALLY. Something that hasn't tried to kill us.
Shortly after these words, the party enters the room that the doorway leads to. Immediately, the doors slam shut, locking the whole group in. A time appears on the wall, a red, metal button below it. THe timer reads 15 seconds, and is slowly counting down
Gwen: Huh...I think I missed something.
Margo: I hate you, and I am going to stab you in the face whilst you sleep.
So, the whole party is STUCK there. We figure out that everytime we press the button, the timer resets, so we elect some shmuck in the group to press the button and keep it at fifteen. The scorcerer in our group, a half dragon, tries to melt the door down
DM: You inhale, then exhale a great blast of golden hued fire. The whole room fills with light, smoke, and intense heat. Finally, you stop, and the party waits as the smoke slowly clears to reveal....A small dent in the door.
Margo: *Still pressing button* Kill me.
Finally, after viciously attacking the door, and getting nowhere, we all decide to just stop pressing the button and wait to see what happens. We all fidget nervously as the final seconds count down.
DM:....Five, four, three, two, one....The timer stops. Slowly, with a low groaning sound, both iron doors open.
Margo:
:surrender I fall down and sob loudly.Gwen: I run around and laugh, THEN fall down and sob loudly.
DM:....I think we broke our rogue...
And these dandies too.
The group had been led into some catacombs to go and kill *something* Gwen, the previous leader, elfen rogue, goes to check an iron doorway in front of us for traps. She gives us the go ahead, finding nothing.
Gwen: It's okay! No traps here!
Margo: FINALLY. Something that hasn't tried to kill us.
Shortly after these words, the party enters the room that the doorway leads to. Immediately, the doors slam shut, locking the whole group in. A time appears on the wall, a red, metal button below it. THe timer reads 15 seconds, and is slowly counting down
Gwen: Huh...I think I missed something.
Margo: I hate you, and I am going to stab you in the face whilst you sleep.
So, the whole party is STUCK there. We figure out that everytime we press the button, the timer resets, so we elect some shmuck in the group to press the button and keep it at fifteen. The scorcerer in our group, a half dragon, tries to melt the door down
DM: You inhale, then exhale a great blast of golden hued fire. The whole room fills with light, smoke, and intense heat. Finally, you stop, and the party waits as the smoke slowly clears to reveal....A small dent in the door.
Margo: *Still pressing button* Kill me.
Finally, after viciously attacking the door, and getting nowhere, we all decide to just stop pressing the button and wait to see what happens. We all fidget nervously as the final seconds count down.
DM:....Five, four, three, two, one....The timer stops. Slowly, with a low groaning sound, both iron doors open.
Margo:
Gwen: I run around and laugh, THEN fall down and sob loudly.
DM:....I think we broke our rogue...
Ah, yes. That's a very nasty trap. Seen it before, never had it used against me though. Defying logic, lovely :-)
And these dandies too.
The group had been led into some catacombs to go and kill *something* Gwen, the previous leader, elfen rogue, goes to check an iron doorway in front of us for traps. She gives us the go ahead, finding nothing.
Gwen: It's okay! No traps here!
Margo: FINALLY. Something that hasn't tried to kill us.
Shortly after these words, the party enters the room that the doorway leads to. Immediately, the doors slam shut, locking the whole group in. A time appears on the wall, a red, metal button below it. THe timer reads 15 seconds, and is slowly counting down
Gwen: Huh...I think I missed something.
Margo: I hate you, and I am going to stab you in the face whilst you sleep.
So, the whole party is STUCK there. We figure out that everytime we press the button, the timer resets, so we elect some shmuck in the group to press the button and keep it at fifteen. The scorcerer in our group, a half dragon, tries to melt the door down
DM: You inhale, then exhale a great blast of golden hued fire. The whole room fills with light, smoke, and intense heat. Finally, you stop, and the party waits as the smoke slowly clears to reveal....A small dent in the door.
Margo: *Still pressing button* Kill me.
Finally, after viciously attacking the door, and getting nowhere, we all decide to just stop pressing the button and wait to see what happens. We all fidget nervously as the final seconds count down.
DM:....Five, four, three, two, one....The timer stops. Slowly, with a low groaning sound, both iron doors open.
Margo:
Gwen: I run around and laugh, THEN fall down and sob loudly.
DM:....I think we broke our rogue...
Quite possibly one of the most-discussed evil traps on this or any other D&D board. I never imagined any DM would use it, being that it's so well known... :P
From today's game...
We had invited a spellcaster we wanted to grab and interrogate over to the shop we were based out of. Said spellcaster walked in - my friend opened the door for her. She tossed her coat on a rack, as the spellcaster started waving her hands. I said "I close the door", having missed the spellcasting part.
The projected image winked out a mere second before spellcasting was complete, leading the mage to cast a Maximized Fireball at her own feet, much to the
of the DM, and much to the of the rest of us. DM (me): Okay, so you throw the corpse in, and eventually you hear a sinister-sounding voice saying "that's such an obvious trap", and begins chanting.
** Ivan stands up, draws his big, big, BIG, sword and lets out a blood curdling yell (intimidate) **
Ivan: ((wearing his red longjohns of doom! :P))
(Ivan rolls very badly on his intimidate roll)
Makarios: ((its the longjohns))
Ivan: ((proabably would have been more effective if one of the buttons on the back door hadn't come undone in his sleep))
Kara: ((you know how we said there were things we didn't need to know about your character))
Torr: ((thats one of them))
Quite possibly one of the most-discussed evil traps on this or any other D&D board. I never imagined any DM would use it, being that it's so well known... :P
My players aren't particularly "in the know" and as I don't use traps much I correctly guessed that no-one would expect it. I've always been more of a one for "puzzle rooms" and such.
Quite possibly one of the most-discussed evil traps on this or any other D&D board. I never imagined any DM would use it, being that it's so well known... :P
I just used it on my players this past Saturday, right before the room where they fought Turmeg (see my previous post).
My players aren't particularly "in the know" and as I don't use traps much I correctly guessed that no-one would expect it. I've always been more of a one for "puzzle rooms" and such.
Thats cuz we is stoopid. Wouldn't bet on us in a battle of wits against a toaster.
Well, the snatch goes OK, and we nab the guy and (for reasons of her being hot) his secretary (that wasn’t in the original plan, but WTH). Secretary turns out to be forced to work for him by blackmail and welcomes the kidnapping as a sort of relief. Anyhow, we hole up in the hunting lodge in the country and play cards for the cash we are earning for a few days until we go to feed our prisoner in the convenient lockable room in the cellar and find it empty.
We search and find a concealed door in the cellar, open it and find a staircase below descending into the depths of the earth, and we tool up and go down. We find ourselves in a cavern, lit with torches, with a large group of hooded and robed people and an altar with our guy chained across it. Around the alter are four chanting guys, and in the air above it a translucent form is appearing.
PC1: Ooh, look, somebody got a holographic projector.
PC2: This world must be really backward if the locals fall for that gag.
PC3: Anyone see any guards?
PC2: Nope.
PC1: Let’s do it!
We burst out of hiding and two of the chanting guys go down in a blaze of fire while PC1 dashes out, snatches the keys from one fallen chanter and starts freeing our kidnap victim.
GM: The glowing form coalesces into large winged demonic form hovering over the alter, and roars realistically. The two men who were chanting scream with fear and the entire crowd of twenty or thirty people panic and start to run.
PC2: Blam! Blam! (rolls dice for hits and damage)
GM: another priest goes down. The winged figure roars realistically and pounces onto the last chanter and rips him limb from limb, spattering the crowd with blood.
PC1, 2 & 3: :OMG!
GM: :D
PC1, 2 & 3: But … but … Traveller … hard sci-fi … no magic …
GM: Yeah, I couldn’t find my Call of Cthulhu rulebook when we were deciding what to play …
PC1, 2 & 3: …
PC3: I shoot it! (rolls sufficient damage to kill an elephant)
GM: It turns and looks at you, slightly annoyed.
PC1, 2 & 3: RUN!!!
Pell-mell flight up stairs with our rescued vic, followed by exciting grav-bike chase …
The Moral of this Story: Never assume you know what the game is based only on the system ...
So me and another player was having a discussion of who might have the motives for stealing the glove. We came to the conclusion that somone might want to cause major inflation and render gold useless as method of payment. So I asked my friend "Who would possibly want that? It must be somone that controles something that would be the alternative form of payment." We pondered on that for a minute. I said: "What then would be the alternative form of payment?" Then my friend burst out: "Porridge!" And we both fell to the floor laughing, the other players who had not listened to our conversation just looked at us as if we were mad or something. Then they burst into laughter as well and we spent the rest of the evening talking about how it would be if we were to use porridge as our standard currency.
Oh, and another one from my same friend. After we had been investigating a murder for a while, and had a pretty good idea of who the murderer was. He wanted to go after the guy. The rest of the party however wanted to investigate some more. Then my friend said: "This is not pipe, and stupid english hat! This is Dungeons and Dragons!"
What can I say, that convinced us.
Longship called the Black Pearl - 10,000 GP
140-sections of Adamantine armor plating - 700,000 GP
Watching it all sink to the bottom of DRY DOCK - Priceless
country, reaching the border. I am trying a new approach, about being
the face of the group.
(DM)Border Guard: "Hail, friends. Who is that you have with you"
Me: "He's a friend"
(DM)Rebel King: "I..."
Me: "Shush!"
(DM)Rebel King: "I'm..."
Me: "Shush!"
(DM)Rebel King: "I..."
Me: "Shush!"
(DM)Rebel King: "Will you stop that!!?"
Me: "Your call..."
(DM)Rebel King: "I am Gottfreid, here to see King Feike..."
Me: "This is not the rebel leader you are looking for..."
*laughs erupt around the table*
Another one, not nearly as funny, but still. This one is after having reached the throne room of Feike (for some reason there has been no attempts on the Rebel Kings life as of yet).
*Leaders negotiate. DM lets us know that they can't agree on anything*
Me: "Feike, would you give up part of the country to the rebels?"
Feike: "No"
Me(to DM): "Feike has to make a will save"
*Feike makes save*
Feike: "Catch him!"
*Being a monk, none of the guards can even touch me*
Feike: "It's those arcane casters, they are traitorous"
Me: "There's another one in this room, y' know, I won't say any names but I WILL point fingers," *points at our mage*
Feike: "MUST BE GOTTFREID!!!"
Me: "Dwarf wizard? Highly doubtful,"
Previous campaign, I'm new and just getting to know the group. A player arrives late, leaving him to track us down (him being on another plane, which should be impossible as all teleportation magic is GONE at the moment). He's playing a devil-worshipper BTW.
DM: "You find a portal, just because you're lucky"
Player: "I go through"
DM: "You're in a dwarven city *description*"
Player: "I go to talk to one of the dwarves"
DM: "What do you look like? Any pentagrams?"
Player: "I dunno... never thought 'bout it..."
Another Player: "Your character is ten times the devilworshipper you are and you've got one around your neck"
Player: "He's got three. One on the chest, and one on each shoulder. Oh, and the knees too, and..."
DM: "You're approached by a group of guards..."
Player: "Aw..."
DM: "As you open the hatch your confronted with some of the most disturbing smells youv ever smelt. Roll Saves..."
everyone rolls low and are pretty much knocked off our feet, then when we recover we manage to get the hatch open again and this time making the save we peer down...
DM: "You can hardly see what you might think are bodies which would account for the smell. what do you do next?
Me: "Ill drop a torch down so i can see better."
Others:
"NOOOO!!"Who would have thought a bunch of dead drying bodies would catch fire and burn down the whole port?
Playing on stormreach the other day, My friend and I were biting off a little more than we could chew by taking on a quest without a full party. My friend is the type of player who plays powerful melee fighters and fears nothing but was playing a cleric this time around, I was a barbarian.
As we fought our way through a dungeon we came across a bugbear that got a couple of good hits on me and I went down, the bugbear then taunts us:
Bugbear: Me crush weaklings. 'enters rage'
Cleric: I'm not weak, I'm just scared of you.
Maybe you have to know him or his type but it had us laughing pretty good.
DM: Make spot checks.
(Everyone rolls)
DM: Alright, Thokk (me) you notice some rotted netting filled with skulls suspended from the celing. No one else notices them.
Me: OK. So, let's check out that statue.
DM: (pause) Wait, you're not going to tell the other characters about all the skulls?
Me: Nah.
Others (OOC): What?!?
Later, the others have discovered the nets. We think there might be something valuable in them, so we try to knock them down.
Pangeon (Halfling spellthief, also played by me): I throw a rock at one of the nets... (rolls dice) Alright, with my racial bonus on thrown attacks, dex modifier... 22.
DM: Alright. Where were you standing?
Me: Umm... under the net?
DM: You hit. The skulls fall down around you. They're filled with green goo. Make a Fortitude save.
Me: Crap.
I should have thought a little harder about that last one, considering we knew the town the duengon was under was about half dead from disease...
Here's a summary of the funny thing that happened:
Alexander: Okay, I check the door
Me: *sucking noises*
Alexander: I bash down the door, charge in, and cast light on it!
Commoner: CAN'T A PERSON USE A BUTTER CHURN IN PEACE!
Alexander:
I wasted a light spell...-Trusty as a slipknot.
Hehe. I think I'll have to use that one.
ME - *rolls INT 6* "I was hoping to be a wizard, but this guy isn't even smart enough to tie his shoes"
PLAYER 2 - "What are you going to do?"
Me - "Velcro"
We laughed untill we stopped.
DM: You see about 20 or 30 Orcs lying around on the other side of this extension bridge. They notice you but don't particularly care to come after you.
Rogue: I yell out to them, "Surrender or die!"
Guess which option they chose.
-----
Immediately After
DM: Three Orcs lie around a giant stone slab implanted deep within the floor.
Rogue: Sneak attack them in their sleep!
DM: Fine.
Rogue: *rolls* 20!
DM: It's dead.
Rogue: *rolls* 20!
DM: It's dead, too.
Rogue: *rolls* 20!
Barbarian: *does his famous mating call*
Everyone else: *either high-fives or slaps Rogue on back*
*there is a general commotion until about fifteen minutes later*
DM: They're all dead. You notice that there is a curious device on the stone slab.
Rogue: Disarm trap *rolls*.
1...DM: A loud trumpet sounds, and the sound of about 50 pairs of feet drift to your ears.
Party:
===
DM: It appears to be a Remoraz...
Ranger: Sense Motive!
DM: ....Seriously?
Ranger: Yes.
DM: Fine.
Ranger: *rolls* 19, plus...10. 29!
DM: OK, your powers of Diplomacy and psychic abilities inform you that it...is hungry.
Party:
===
Fighter: When are we going to fight some better Orcs?
Barbarian: Those Orcs were pansies!
DM: You want magically enhanced Orcs?
Fighter: Of course!
Barbarian: We can take 'em!
DM: Very well...
LATER
Ranger: This is the fifth round...how much HP does it have left?
DM: You really want to know?
Ranger: Yes...
DM: 999,999 times 10 to the power 99.
Fighter: When you said enhanced...
===
DM: You face a seven-headed Hydra--its red and snarling at you, looks like it might be a fire-type creature...
Rogue: All right! Time to go pokey-pokey on it!
===
DM: You want...what?
Fighter: You heard me...cheese.
DM: You're in the middle of a battle with an Adult Blue Dragon...
Fighter: I have devised the ultimate technique!
DM: Ok...you can use your cheese.
Fighter: Ok! I set it on the floor and do my mouse-call to summon all those rats we saw earlier into the chamber!
DM: *sighs because he has exceedingly stupid players* I'll humor you...roll.
Fighter: *rolls* Uh...1...
DM: ;) Plus?
Fighter: Whatever my mouse-calling abilities grant me!
DM: There is a great rumbling noise.
Fighter: Yeah!
DM: And from the door behind you step three Wererats.....roll....initiative....
Fighter:
===
Fighting: 2 Greater Abyssal Basilisks (among other enemies)
Our Fighter was at 2 health, and poisoned, our Barbarian was at -7, and our Ranger was stoned...
DM (to Cleric): What do you do?
Cleric: Aim my slingshot!
Party: *groan*
DM: That's it, you're definitely multi-classing to Barbarian.
===
DM: In the nest...you find a few rather large eggs...
Ranger: Owlbear eggs!
Barbarian: Alright! That'll fetch us almost 10,000 gold pieces!
Fighter: Or cohorts!
Barbarian: Imagine the possibilities!
*All begin to make preparations.*
Cleric: I'm hitting them with my club.
Party--and DM: :OMG!
So the cast: Yoink (halfling thief), Derick (Human Cleric (me)), David (Human Fighter), and Blit (Illusionist gnome).
After wandering in the wilderness for 3 hours we find a tree and David decided to make an arrow shaft out of a branch for no reason, just for "future needs". And after 2 more hours after not meeting a single group of monsters this happens.
Yoink: This is pointless!
David: NO!!! This is pointless!!! *holds up the arrow shaft*
After awhile longer we decided to make camp... without food, and sleeping bags... and no one decided to stand guard... yah wasn’t our smartest idea.
DM: Yoink what’s your hear noise?
Yoink: Ummmm... 35%
DM: Rolls some dice Okay you wake up and you see a weird green thing standing over you that’s about 3-5 feet tall and all of your stuff is gone and laying in a pile about 7 feet away.
Yoink: I slowly try to get up.
Dm: It presses a spear against your throat.
Yoink: Okay... I lie back down, and yell out loud "BREAKFAST CAKES!!!! EVERYONE WAKE UP WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!!"
DM: *rolls some more dice* yah everyone wakes up and notices some green guys standing over them. Another thing (the leader) walks over to you Yoink and says, "You got food?"
Yoink: Ummm... no.
Leader: Then choose.
Yoink: Choose what?
Leader: Which one of you we are going to eat
Yoink: Ummm lets see....
Me: Can’t choose me. Im made of metal *rattle my chain mail*
Leader: Quite you, so which one?
Yoink: Well as you see us two (him and the gnome) are so short, so we wont fill you :P
Leader: *pokes some fat on the halfling* I dont know...
Blit: I know I can make food!!! Just gather me some rocks and I can transform them into food!!!
DM: they bring over 6 rocks, one for each of them
Blit: I cast phantasmal force to make the rocks look like food.
DM: they all gather around the "food" and say you can go now.
After this the group picks up our weapons and attack them since the gnome has to concentrate to keep the illusion and we need to free him from the circle. In the battle the gnome is KO'ed and so does the Halfling and the halfling gets infected by some strange worm from the creatures that was put in his neck. We eventually kill the halfling in the process of trying to get it out when our DM ask us.
DM: Now guys, what have you learned from this adventure.
Me: Not to sleep without a watch?
Yoink: Set up a campfire?
David: Don’t Stab people in the neck to kill worms?
DM: No. Never yell out "BREAKFAST CAKES!!!"
Party:
Taban (me): I walk up to the Warforged. (Metagaming)
DM: You don't know he's a Warforged...
Taban: He hasn't eaten for the past two days.
DM: They didn't really give you food.
Taban: He hasn't drank anything, then, even more incriminating. Also, they didn't confiscate his armor.
DM:
Okay, fine. He's a Warforged. And?Taban: Um... Nothing, actually.
:surrender Hey, you take the victories you can get when you're in a prison cell. Yes, this isn't that funny and pretty much a bump. ;)
Mage:Thou shalt venture in the ruin beneath the Wave of the lake to recover this mighty artifact from the ruins guardians!
Og: uh...fish?
10 minutes pause
Reminds me of this player I had once...I'm an aspiring GM, and just started running a Serenity RPG. Serenity is based off the movie by the same name and the TV series Firefly.
[u]Cast[/u]
Micheal - Pilot
John - Gun for hire (Incidentally, one who is proficient with pretty much every gun ever, and carries at least one of each kind around with him in a big, conspicuous duffel bag, as well as two pistols on his hip.)
Alexi - Companion (High class hooker. Female character, male player. Not as bad as I generally find it.)
Ser Toh - Their employer. The name's Chinese
My players had to go parley with Badger, an "estimed businessman". There's a number of burly men with large weapons stationed around Badger's office, and this little piece of fun took place as the players tried to enter.
Doorman: Alright, hand over your weapons.
Micheal: (OOC)I'd rather not.
Me: Did I mention that he's toting quite a large machine gun? I think I did.
Micheal: (OOC)I hand over my pistol (Micheal, with only ten life points, is our most squishable character. The player lives in constant fear of tripping and dying from the subsiquent fall damage and plays carefully.)
Alexi: (OOC) I'm not carrying any.
John: (OOC) Okay, I drop my pistols on the ground.
Me: He gives you an impatient-
John: (OOC)Wait, I'm not done. Before he realises anything, I hook my feet under my pistols and kick them into my hands, so that I can surprise everyone. (He then proceeds to demonstrate said action.)
Me: (After an incredulous pause) Okay, I have to see this. Roll agility and, hmm, yeah, I'm feeling kind. Atlethics.
(The dice are rolled.)
Me: Everyone looks at you funny as your pistols skitter across the floor. The doorman cocks his weapon in a meaningful fashion.
John: (In a small voice) I hand over my guns.
Come to think of it, I don't believe he remembered to retrieve his pistols.
Still in Badger's den. Ser Toh is attempting to get some parts for his ship, which has been grounded and the engine somewhat disassembled, in lieu of payment for the last job he pulled for the little gangster. Badger refuses to hand them over because the merchandise that Ser Toh brought in was tagged, and thus had to be fenced immeadiatly at low price. Ergo, Badger is a little bitter.
Badger: (Jokingly) I may let you have 'em at a slightly reduced cost, since you're a friend, Toh. Provided, o' course, I get to spend some time with your lady friend over there.
Alexi: (Before Ser Toh can reply.) Alright. If you can afford my tastes.
Badger: What?
Ser Toh: What?
John: How much?
Alexi: (Ignoring John) Well, Mr. Badger, I'd just be so pleased if you could give us the parts that would put our ship back in the air that I'd be compelled to spend time with you. It would mean I could get away from this planet, and the lowlifes populating it. Don't you just find that there are so many people on this planet lower than the likes of us, Mr. Badger?
Me: Okay, I'm gonna need you to roll Willpower plus Seduction. (Alexi's player rolls, as do I for Badger. Poor boy botched it while Alexi got almost the highest result possible.) Huh...He's putty in your finely manicured hands.
Alexi: (OOC) Damn straigth he is.
So, needless to say she managed to procure the parts at a significantly lower price than I had envisioned. Poor Badger. I rolled so low when attempting to have him resist her wiles. The group is leaving, Badger leaning against his desk and staring after them in awe, a hand on his cheek where Alexi kissed him
Goon: Boss, you can't let 'em get away with this! They're making a killing.
Badger: Shut up, you. You can't just demand money off fancy ladies such as her. You gotta show tact, and charm. Now, inform me when they're back on world. I've got a date. (I mimick him sitting in his swivel chair, reclining back and grinning widely.) Now that, fellas, was a lady with style!
Later still, and they've found the junk yard in which the local gang has impounded their ship. While the others prepare for the assault on the heavily guarded ship, Alexi slips off to remove the land lock, so that the ship can fly once they actually clear it out and fix the parts. She's furiously working away at the console when a security guard wanders in.
Guard: Hey! What are you doing here? This is off limits!
Alexi: Oh, I was just wondering if-
Me: Do you want to just roll seduction ahead of time?
Alexi: (OOC) Probably be easiest. (Rolls. (IC, without looking at the dice) I was just wondering if you could be a sweetie and show me how this computer works? It's just that I find it so fascinating, and it must take a real genius to work it...(Not quite seductive, but it falls under the general heading when she's using her feminine wiles and body language.)
Guard: Well, I'm not one to brag...(At this point I roll his willpower to resist her seduction. He succeeds.) Wait a minute...How did you actually get here anyway?
Alexi: (OOC)What? He's not buying it?
Me: Sorry. Doesn't look like it.
Alexi: (OOC) Like hell he's not! I'm sexy!
Me: You can try again in a few turns.
Alexi: (OOC) Screw that. I'm gonna punch the impotant bugger's lights out.
Me:...Oookay. Roll initiative.
She beat his initiative roll and ended up knocking the unfortunate sod out with a punch to the teeth and a kick to the groin. He didn't even see it coming...
Well, that's all for now. I thought they were funny. I'll keep you guys updated.
Encore!
Badger: (With a really, really, really bad cockney accent) 'Oware ya, mates?
(Pause)
Alexi: (OOC) What the hell was that?
Me: It was supposed to be Badger's accent.
Micheal: (OOC) That was the worst impression I've ever heard.
Me: ...You all get shot.
It's a running joke in our group. I ran a Serenity once off before the actual campaign, to get everyone, myself included, accustomed to the game. Halfway through it, one of the players had to leave. We were at a pretty dangerous and fast moving part, and I had to do something with his character.
Player: Aw, crap, I have to go.
Me: Oh. Em...eh...You get shot.
From then on, we've said it any time a player does something we don't like, even in other games.
Me: (OOC) Reactionary spot check, how many are there *rolls*
DM: Hmm, with that result, somewhere between fifteen and twenty, none of whom seem to be officers or particularly big and nasty.
Me: (OOC)
Close the door you guys... Oh, and I'm gonna need a lot more damage dice... Welcome to my happy place. DM (me): What seems to be a giant black dog of some kind attacks the orc beside it, biting him hard across the neck. As he turns to you, the remaining three orcs flee.
Mialee: I'm going to take a picture! Click! :D
Everyone just kind of paused after that. For our players, the proper response to an extremely stupid strategy is now "I'm going to take a picture!"
In a past campaign, one of the players was a little girl.
DM (me): What seems to be a giant black dog of some kind attacks the orc beside it, biting him hard across the neck. As he turns to you, the remaining three orcs flee.
Mialee: I'm going to take a picture! Click! :D
Everyone just kind of paused after that. For our players, the proper response to an extremely stupid strategy is now "I'm going to take a picture!"
Well, it's been scientifically proven that anyone with a camera can make anybody do just about anything. Fear the power of the lens!
Trust me, I know. I've tried, it does not work.
This one is from a WoD game, where I was playing Hitto, my Bone-Flower Kuei-jin (Asian vampire; they are specialy cause they are asian ;)). Hitto has an int of 4 and Enigmas of 3 (in WoD 5 is the human max), so he can basicly solve a crossword puzzle just from the pattern of the boxes.
So, our ST gives the group a puzzle sphere with some kind of slider lock at the top. Being the uber-enlightened one, once everyone else has given up, Hitto makes a good enough roll that the ST lets him attempt to solve it (it's that hard). Something like 2 IG nights latter, he has the solution.
Throw it against a wall.
The puzzle was designed to p.o. anyone trying to solve it till they threw it in frustration, thus opening it. But no, I have to play a character so smart he can use logic to solve it.
As far as D&D.
"I shoot the vending machine."
- My Palidin of Freedom in a semi-modern horror game. He was slightly edgy when the thing came on all of a sudden. Actualy got a critical hit (yeah, I know, doesn't apply RaW, but we ruled it did just for giggles).
In my very first D&D game, I was playing a ranger/barb. who was still a child and had lived in the wild his whole life. The party Druid has basicly addopted him, and he already thinks of her as his sister. After the terrible wonders of going into a city for the first time, the party hits the inn for the night. My wildling bunks with the monk while his 'sister' and the party leader (female ex-gladiator DMPC, her player took over when the first DM left) ... well, lets just say they had a good time.
Necesitating 3 or so listen checks on our part throughout the night.
Fortunatly the monk was able to persuade my ranger from going out to invesigtate the noises.
In my recent, and very first RL D&D game, the party shifter rogue got hit with a crit from a half golem that would have killed him even at full HP, so the DM said his head went flying off.
The half-orc barb raged and splatted the golem.
Barb (OOC): I have 2 ranks in craft, but I didn't put down what kind. Can I make it sewing?
DM (OOC): Um... ok... sure.
Barb (OOC): What's the DC to sew his head back on?
Party:
He failed the check... thankfully.
Earlier in the same game, the party is hoofing it along some lighting rail tracks when a digester shows up. My character (Warlock/Artificer), being a bit yellow, moves behind the warforged.
Warforged: I throw the breather.
Me:
Warforged (OOC): Seriously, don't use me as cover.
(thankfully, she didn't really...)
Digester: *sprays acid on the warforged*
Me:
Warforged (OOC): Ok, I'm really going to throw you this time. Sorry.
Me (I bet her on initative): I use my wand of Repair Light Wounds on the Warforged! *brings her to full HP*
Warforged (OOC): Ok, I don't throw you.
Me:
Moral: When traveling with a construct who referse to other creatures as 'meatbags' or 'breathers', always carry a wand of repair so it has a reason not to hurt you.
DM: Okay the door is locked.
Player: Can I kick the door down.
DM: Sure make a strength check.
Player: Okay natural 19 +4 strength so 23.
DM: Looks at notes. Okay you not only knock the door down but you shattered it as well.
Player IC: He He He. Dor open door.
Now everytime a door needs to be opened and either there is no rouge or the rouge can pick the lock some one always says Dor open door.
Unfortunatley the player is no longer living in the area so Dor is not actually there to open the door.
Example: we've had one warlock as a recurring villain, but as we have a new member, he's going to change over to NPC (chaotic neutral with evil tendencies being forced to assist to save the world. In particular, he wants to rule, but not to be a vicious tyrant. Tyrant, maybe. Murderous tyrant, no. Despite evil intentions, he'd rather work to save the world from those who would destroy it and ruin his plans than work with them to maybe achieve them quicker, and then worry about saving the world alone).
Well, our group has been cornered by a bunch of trolls, and it looks like curtains, because we're so worn out. Then the warlock shows up and blasts them (Brimstone Eldritch Chain Blast). Striking all of them at once with an attack that really hurt chased the survivors off.
Warlock: Trolls! I hate the damned things.
The warlock notices us.
Warlock: Oh, it's you. Wonderful. (dripping sarcasm)
Later: (concerning our paladin)
Warlock: Honor? Bah, the damned things get you killed.
He then knocks out the paladin so he won't oppose him raising the dead (invocation The Dead Walk) to lead an army against the BBEG.
The warlock has just come in to rescue us.
Warlock: Friends. The damned things get you killed.
Against the BBEG
Warlock: You stole something from me. Those people are MINE. Mine to rule, not yours. I want them back.
A different warlock, an orc tribal shaman sort (the most charismatic orc I've ever seen), who seems to also have a level or two of Divine Bard (alternative class that casts divine, not arcane, spells).
Well, this orc was apparently influenced by disney. The DM wanted to show that singing is not dorky. While attacking, the orc is singing, leading the whole horde into a frenzy, and just beating the **** out of us. DM even got a song ready for him. Voodoo, or something like that. A clip of it is in Scooby Doo (the live action one).
Geeky in a way, yes? But few things are scarier than seeing the orc singing, dancing, beating drums to keep tune with a couple of human bones while his entire horde closes in, circling you together. All the while their leader is hurling a few especially powerful Eldritch Blasts that are turning stone to dust (Eldritch Blasts are half damage to anything not a PC/NPC). If you consider how outmatched we were (and really get a good picture of it), it's no longer so funny that the guy in total control is singing about his power.
But if you don't think of that, it's darn funny.
Halfing: Wait, can't I try to stop it?
DM:Ok, how bout a grapple check
*Barely passes for the round*
DM: Ok, your clinging to his bracers, while he is trying to pull you off
Halfing:I bite his fingers, dont I get sneak attack damage
Barbarian:What?
DM: oh...ok, he drops you
Halfing:Im using a full attack to kick him in the shin and then hit him in the
groin with the hilt of my dagger. Hopefully it counts as a sneak attack
DM:Hmm, i'd think so,*Points at barbarian*Make a fort save
Barbarian *rolls low*
DM:Ok, you pass out from the pain.
Halfing: Hey, you know how I said that next chance I get, im going to loot your stuff and run away
Barbarian:you bastard
The captain of the ship they've taken passage on recounts his expertise with the locals of various Khorvaire ports.
Captain: Now, the girls who work the docks here in Karranath are feisty ones, and they're cheaper on account of all the food shortages during the war.
Bard: (intrigued) Really? How about the girls in Thrane (the ship's destination)?
Captain: Not so much. They're a more puritanical stripe.
Psion: (sneeringly) What, they leave their clothes on during the whole thing?
Captain: Oh, so you've been there!
DM: And the big hary mean menacing monster hits you for 18 more
Cleric: Damn it I'm gonna die!
Me: I suggest you touch yourself, and make it a quicky, lets get the hell outta here!
DM: ::gives me a funny look::
Cleric: :lightbulb: I pray to my diety that he shall have mercy on his beloved cleric and rescue me from my plight!
Me: Better pray fast
DM: Ok you pray to your God... {DM looks at his character sheet} Dude you didn't pick a diety. You pray to nothing, your dead.
Cleric: But I am a Cleric of Tempest.
DM: your a cleric of nothingness, you didn't pick a diety. Your dead reroll a character.
"What? A wooden stick? Where are you going to find a wooden stick in town? You know, sticks don't grow on trees."
(Me=barbarian)
ME- how badly hurt does that ogre over there look to my char?
DM- dunno, lemme look..... pretty shakey, he's bleeding bad.
ME- I'm going to attack it.
DM- your bow broke last round, remember?
ME- I know, where's the halfling?
DM- he's right there next to you, why?
ME- because i pick him up and throw him at the ogre.
DM- are you seriou....
ME- (rolling) natural 18 for grapple check + modifier (success), 20 on strength check for distance (success), crit on damage (confirmed). what's the damage?
DM- ....um.......like 26.....(thinking for a sec) you grab Shallo (halfling) by the neck of his shirt and heave him at the wounded ogre. He screams in protest as he flips end over end, slamming the ogre in the head, snapping it to the side, breaking it's neck. Shallo, you take (rolls) 19 damage.
ME- woo hoo!!
HALFLING- (crawling out from under the ogre's corpse) you're an ass.
Server: And what do you want? {In a rather nasty 'I only tolerate you because you have gold' kind of way}
Zarga: Chicken! {A little too enthuisiasticly}
*Server goes to the back and returns with a life chicken, obviously not wanting to bother cooking it*
*Zarga grabs the chicken, opens her maw and puts it in, then proceeds to chew the very short-lived chicken in a rather messy fashion*
Entire tavern:
*Zarga notices people staring, and turns to the PC fighter*
Zarga: Get your own chicken.
Later on, the party gets captured and thrown into a large cell and chained to the walls.
The guards and their leader leave, in a typical Evil Overlord 'we will leave you here to contemplate your fate' fashion.
Soon enough though, the rogue manages to slip out of his bonds, and starts freeing the others.
Unfortunately, after freeing the fighter, barbarian and cleric, we hear a guard returning, and everyone except the gnoll dive into cover/shadows, leaving her alone in chains.
*Guard walks in*
Guard: Allright you lot, I...
*Stops, and stares at the gnoll, and then the four empty chains*
Guard: Where are the others?
Zarga, looking kinda sheepish: I... ate them?
Guard, rolling low on his Sense Motive: Fair enough...
So the DM got tired of this and threw a Tarrasque at her. Literally. Well, she made the dodge DC (wasn't expected to crush her, anyway). The Tarrasque gets up pretty stinking mad, and attacks her. Now you can imagine the epic battle that ensued, right? Her first round she scores a critical, setting off the petrifying ability. And wouldn't you know it? The tarrasque rolls a 1 on its fortitude save, autofailing, and then its spell resistance also fails it. Yes, she has turned the tarrasque into stone.
Her response: I'm gonna need a bigger house.
Warlock: (eyeing body) OOC: DM, what do I guess is the most valuable item on this guy?
DM: His leather armor.
Warlock: (OOC) Cool, I start stripping it off of him and cramming it into my backpack.
Fighter: (Hears rustling sounds) What are you doing?
Warlock: Just.....moving him out of this darkness. (more rustling)(strips his armor off, crams it into backpack, and drags the bounty out of the darkness. Only his pants are left)
Fighter: Where did his armor go? (Eyes Warlock with bulging backpack)
Warlock: What armor?
Fighter: The armor he had on when we ambushed him...
Warlock:......... He wasn't wearing any armor. (Bluff check: mid 20s)
DM: Make a sense motive check, +20 because of a terrible lie.
Fighter: (Sense Motive: mid 30s) Regardless of how persuasive you think you are, that man had a shirt five minutes ago!
Vampire: Become my slaves for only one year and after that you will be rewarded with incredible power !
All except our Sorc: That's not what we call a good deal...
Sorc: YEA, i will do it ! The Power will be mine !
All except our Sorc: What are you doing, don't you recognize he is fooling you. TRAITOR !
Sorc: Remember the power he is granting each of us !
Come on one more, join us !
Vampire: Ya, join ussss!
But no one else follows so it culminates in a short but intensive battle in which the vampire granted the new sorc fellow a few low powers but then they died quickly thanks to our attacks.
Later in turned out that the vampire was only a another minion of the real VampireMaster who was deep slumbering in his coffin in another chamber.
then dialogue continues out of game:
sorc player: i thought someone else would join too and i don't recognize why you've attacked me...
all except sorc: what? you betrayed the whole group, that's reason enough!
sorc player: no, YOU BETRAYED ME !!!!
:heehee
And this time the group had begun tracking a series of dissappearances until we came upon a MINDFLAYER CULT!!! Complete with a cathedral dedictated to Ilsensine.
Yummy.
The group was in the middle of a heated battle, duking it out with 6 Umber Hulks, 15 slaves of various power, 4 Illithid minions and one Illithid Priest that was a major pain!
Paladin: The infidels must fall or else!
Fighter: Or else what?
Sorcerer: Or else we'll be snacks!
DM: The Priest of Ilsensine is looking over you all, judging which one he should eat first.
-At this point I come in the door-
Me: Hi guys! What did I miss?
DM:
You're just in time. Tell me, do you have rope and a grappling hook?Me: *quickly pulls out sheet* why yes Raz does.
DM: How much does he like windows.
Me: It's the reason the spell Shatter was made and why I enchanted my boots to activate it when I click my heels on something.
DM: Roll Initiative! (something high, just before the priest's turn) Make a Use Rope and Tumble check.
Me: Okay. (High and Higher)
DM: What's your intellegence?
Me: Now it's 19.
DM: Okay, you guys see the stained glass window depicting Ilsensine erupt in a shower of glass shards as Raz comes flipping through and landing nimbly only a scant few feet from the priest.
Priest of Ilsensine: Ahhhhh, Breakfast has arrived!
Me: I've technically got the drop on him (flat-footed) right?
DM: Yes.
Me: OOC: Sneaky Attacky time! Umm...Critical threat....confirmed IC: "WRONG! I'M FAST FOOD! AND VERY UNHEALTHY!" (rolls damage) ..... wow.... max...
DM: :surrender The priest's brain is skewered right through and with a flick of the rest showers the other Mindflayers in brainy goo.
Paladin: What took you so long?
Raz (Me): Well I would've been here an hour ago but I REALLY hate front doors!
DM: As you enter through the door the barman shrieks 'Great jumping Jesus on a pogo-stick! It's a swamp monster!'
Me:
I need a room with a bath! Please Gods tell me you have a bath!If I write a book about him and it gets more copies sold than the entirety of the Drizzt and Elminster series put together, maybe THEN he'll have an inkling of a chance of being one of the greatest character's of all time.
And you can't make him a god yet!!! He hasn't reached epic levels without starting at them yet!!!
And to top it off, a class I'm making needs to be published first in Dragon Magazine or something so he can allegedly be a Rogue 7/ Wizard 3/ Arcane Mechanist 10/ Arcane Trickster 10/ Wild Mage 10/ Shadow Dancer 10/ Archmage 5. Then and ONLY then can he have a GLIMMER of a chance of being a deity with divine rank 0!
But thank you JakeQuistis for your support anyhow.
I meant that he's the greatest D&D character ever made and controlled, that I've heard of. Because of his wit, and his awesomeness. You make me feel like playing a rogue mage. But I would be evil and backstabbing. That sarcastic guy who tells everyone he's lying to them, but they just trust him more for it.
I concur with JakeQuistis about feeling about playing a Rogue/Mage/(Arcane Trickster), since Raz has shown that they are not only usefull in the back for doing simple things like shooting arrows/magic missiles.
And of course, the ability to surprise is key to this character. In a pure hack'n'slash, I'd think Raz would find his role far harder.
Rieckel :
(Raz) Fighter: (mouths) Is this the right spot?
Sorceress: (Emphatically shakes her head)
Artificer: (mouths) What's that thing?
Sorceress: (mouths) Don't make any noise. I'll find a way out.
(Awkward silence for a few seconds. Then...)
Bard: (mouths) Guys...I really really really have to pee.
DM: "OK, you rest up, and take some down-time. What do you want to do here?"
Player: "Well... we go looking for side-quests!"
Later on, this group gave their GM the ultimate tool to shaft them with, when he asked them about their characters' background and history na dthey could not think of anything:
Player 1: "Ehm... Ah! My character has amnesia and does not remember who he is!"
Player 2: "Hey, that sounds good! I have amnesia too!"
This OOC one came up just a few minutes ago in IRC.hmmmm
ECL 5 GOBLIN lich...
* ShaggyShaggs ponders
* Kublai-Work calls down holy wrath upon that.
what?! it'd be hilarious
You're going to make a horribly hard-to-hit accurate shooting machine or something.
And find some way to make your paralyzing touch work on arrows.
EDIT: And one of the other players of the game just chimed in.
one of these days, one of you is going to give the other a heart attack
and on that day, i will be there to point and go 'haw haw!"
heh... how's that, Kealiki?
with your constant making characters/npcs/monsters to make the other
their shortsFirst, the cast:
Turalisj(me, of course), snow elf warmage.
Tankor, dwarf fighter with a bad russian accent
Sir Neglik, goblin paladin of bahumut
Jakob the Blob, half-dragon ranger who's *cough*
slight obese
Sue, MALE gnome monk
Tankor: Ok, who here is actualy good aligned?
Neglik: *whispering to himself* Lawful good thought, lawful good thoughts
Turalisj: I'm NG, But I'm thinking about going TN. I mean, helping out with people is all well and good, but what's the point if you can't have some fun once in a while?
Neglik:*now shouting* LAWFUL GOOD THOUGHTS! LAWFUL GOOD THOUGHTS!
Sue: I don't know people, I can't find out anything about the rat king from this guy....
Jakob: Yeah, and after killing that guy, we aren't going to be popular......
Neglik:
LAWFUL GOOD THOUGHTS!!!! GAHHHHHHHHTuralisj: What's wrong with the goblin?
I meant that he's the greatest D&D character ever made and controlled, that I've heard of. Because of his wit, and his awesomeness. You make me feel like playing a rogue mage. But I would be evil and backstabbing. That sarcastic guy who tells everyone he's lying to them, but they just trust him more for it.
And I'll bet that Raz could kick Drizz't's arse and give Elminster a wedgie. (Sneak Attack Wedgie!!!)
Seriously though, think that part of Raz's success is not only having a great player, but having a great DM/Group to execute his Rogue Mage antics.
And Rickiel, if you were to write a book or two about the exploits of the Rogue Mage Raz, I wouldn't be the only one to buy it.
If I write a book about him and it gets more copies sold than the entirety of the Drizzt and Elminster series put together, maybe THEN he'll have an inkling of a chance of being one of the greatest character's of all time.
You should! I'd buy that book!
My party in Eberron is being pursued by a Hobgoblin war chief:
ROGUE: I use Sense Motive...nat 20. That's a 35.
DM: He wants to kill you.
ROGUE: What? That was a freakin' 35!! Thats all I get?!!?
DM: And he's having troubles with his mother-in-law...and he's hungry...but that doesn't really matter right now.
---------------------------------------------
Again, Eberron. My party is stuck outside an unlockable door in a stone building, and my Orc Barbarian is bored with searching. I begin to hack through the stone. After 3 hours and numerous wandering monsters drawn by the sound (and two party fatalities), we finally break through the wall...only to find that the ceiling has an enormous hole in it, which, since the building is only 12ft high, we could have easily climbed through.
----------------------------------------------
In the party I DM, the fighter fell into a 100ft deep pit, and, amazingly, survived (the party was level 4, but the 10d6 rolled only 1's...). However, there was nothing to climb out with.
FIGHTER: Can I climb up on anything?
ME: Well, technically no, but if you roll a nat 20, I might allow it.
FIGHTER: *rolls*...20! AWESOME!
ME: Alright...you climb up on the air for 50ft. However, there is still one more round before you can grab the rope (the party was holding one down). You sit in the air for one round.
next round, the Barbarian climbed up to grab the rope...only to have her allies fail their strength check by 1. After climbing up 100ft of NOTHING to save herself, her allies dropped her 100ft again, killing her outright.
Needless to say, the player was very annoyed...everyone else thought it was hysterical.
I was in jail because a Halfling in our party had been causing trouble and I was in a wrong place/wrong time kind of situation. To resolve this, the king ordered a dual to the death the next day and we were supposed rest in completely different areas until then. A necromancer that basically controls my character's motives managed to break me out of jail at nightfall.
Necromancer: We need to get out of town, now
Duergar: But, I'm supposed to kill the Halfling tomorrow.
Necromancer: Well, that won't be happening, we need to free him, too.
Duergar: Ok, I'll just kill him now
A different situation
I was having one of those nights where you either miss, or miss badly and three of us were in a scrum with about 20 peasants that were..... upset with the Halfling... Anyway, HP's were low enough on the peasants that if you hit them, you kill them, but I couldn't hit anything. Luckily, the only guy that could hit me carried a wooden spoon, but he managed to deal criticals consistently with it. To level out the playing field, the Necromancer cast Fear and managed to drill me with it for four rounds.
After barely surviving the infamous Spoonman (3 HP left), my character received an added handicap. When I rest, I have a 25% chance of having a nightmare every other hour and since I failed that check consistantly, I started screaming, "NO MORE SPOOOONS!!!"
The DM decided to make the Spoon a magical weapon and has added the story of the Fabled Spoon-wielding Dwarven Slayer to the campaign.
Even better, the infamous Spoonman became an NPC Bard that has already spread the story pretty well.
At least the DM didn't throw a -2 against opponents with cookware on my already broken character.
Final one
Same party- These guys are great
A Red dragon attacked the city we were in. It was flying around blasting fire throughout the courtyard and after the now new members of the group tried to shoot arrows and throw rocks at it, the DM was nice enough to advise them to run for cover. The necromancer told me to go kill the dragon. After failing the Will save (yeah my character is that pathetic) he became excited to try out his brand new axe that he bought earlier. He ran into the courtyard with all of his might.
DM: You lost 10 HP. What's your move
I shake my head in disgust of the stupidity of this character
Duergar: I'm going to jump up and swing my axe at the dragon
Needless to say, I failed the attack, but unfortunately, I was still on my bad streak of rolls and ended up hitting myself with the axe leaving me 6 HP.
(DM intervention) The dragon left
I keep begging to have the Duergar killed off, but he's made the unthinkable happen and it entertains the group. Of course, my dice rolls are excellent when I'm skirmishing with my party, so I may ask to have a +2 to PC's
Where to begin...
My party in Eberron is being pursued by a Hobgoblin war chief:
ROGUE: I use Sense Motive...nat 20. That's a 35.
DM: He wants to kill you.
ROGUE: What? That was a freakin' 35!! Thats all I get?!!?
DM: And he's having troubles with his mother-in-law...and he's hungry...but that doesn't really matter right now.
---------------------------------------------
Again, Eberron. My party is stuck outside an unlockable door in a stone building, and my Orc Barbarian is bored with searching. I begin to hack through the stone. After 3 hours and numerous wandering monsters drawn by the sound (and two party fatalities), we finally break through the wall...only to find that the ceiling has an enormous hole in it, which, since the building is only 12ft high, we could have easily climbed through.
----------------------------------------------
In the party I DM, the fighter fell into a 100ft deep pit, and, amazingly, survived (the party was level 4, but the 10d6 rolled only 1's...). However, there was nothing to climb out with.
FIGHTER: Can I climb up on anything?
ME: Well, technically no, but if you roll a nat 20, I might allow it.
FIGHTER: *rolls*...20! AWESOME!
ME: Alright...you climb up on the air for 50ft. However, there is still one more round before you can grab the rope (the party was holding one down). You sit in the air for one round.
next round, the Barbarian climbed up to grab the rope...only to have her allies fail their strength check by 1. After climbing up 100ft of NOTHING to save herself, her allies dropped her 100ft again, killing her outright.
Needless to say, the player was very annoyed...everyone else thought it was hysterical.
Sounds like you need a new DM. One with a bit of imagination.
Though I like the climbing on air bit. That's kinda funny.
Monk: Oh, great Erythnul! I need your guidance!
(Erythnul's voice): Do you know what I am doing?
Monk: Oh please great one, tell me!
(Voice): I am checking my give-a-sh*t-o-meter
Monk: Thats not very godly of you to say
(Voice): And you know what? I don't give a sh*t
Monk: What do you mean? I don't understand.
(Voice): I don't give a rat's a$$.
Monk: Oh please great Erythnul, I need you to tell me what to do next!
(Voice):...
Monk: Are you still there?
(Voice): Guess what I'm doing now.
Monk: What?
(Voice): I am taking my shoelace off.
Monk: Why?
(Voice): So you can go and hang yourself.
(*Glim casts Create Water in his pants*)
Tuk: "Hispanian soldiers don't die. We just go to the Abyss to regroup."
Situation: We fought and surrendered to a group of 16 enemy soldiers (having bought time for the innocent villagers to escape in their boats). One of our group was under water, searching for his weapon when we (the others) decided to surrender.
I had been the last to surrender and had an invisibility spell activated at that time. Since I was the 'leader' in the temporary absence of the other PC combat ended.
When he was confronted by one of the enemy soldiers the following conversation happened:
DM - "Get out of the water now!"
PC - "Surrender now!"
DM - "Why? I thought the fight was over?"
PC: "What would give you that idea?"
DM: "Well... the invisible voice said.... eh"
*laughter*
Me(OOC): "Listen to the voices..."
Manager: Get back in ther-
Monk: Do I have some gravel?
DM (Me): You're still standing on it.
Monk: Ok. I pick some up and throw it at the manager.
DM (Me): Roll.
Monk: *Rolls 20*, *Rolls 20*, *Rolls Maximum Damage* :D
Wow. I just finished reading this, and it is amazing. Some of the best hours of my life were spent reading this (the others were spent playing D&D). Anyways, about a day ago only one player (level 1 monk) showed up for the meeting. I made some major adjustments and made up a sub-plot, winging it. The player was killed by a fighter, became a ghost (Ghostwalk Campaign Option) and wanted to gain a level. He went to the Coliseum and volunteered to fight. After a lengthy discussion between the desk clerk and the player over whether it was actually possible to volunteer, he was escorted into the arena, which had several pillars for cover and was on a gravel floor. He faced a kobold. He picked up a piece of gravel, flew up (he'd taken ghost glide), and threw the rock. He rolled a 20. He rolled to confirm the critical. 20. Rolled for damage. Max damage on both rolls. Plus his strength bonus, he'd just taken down the kobold in one hit. With a rock. From 30 feet. The manager decided it was too good to be true (after half an hour of laughter) and named him Critical Rock. He then conscripted him to fight again. The player didn't want to, but it's hard to argue against 6 level 2 fighters. He then faced a troglodyte. He tried the same thing. Guess what? 20. 20. Max Damage. Dead troglodyte. We couldn't breath for a while. The manager made him go back in. He was up against a bugbear with, unfortunately, 9 hp. Low rolls. The monk did the same thing again. 20. 20. Max Damage. Dead Bugbear. Giant bouts of laughter ensued. The manager approached the monk.
Manager: Get back in ther-
Monk: Do I have some gravel?
DM (Me): You're still standing on it.
Monk: Ok. I pick some up and throw it at the manager.
DM (Me): Roll.
Monk: *Rolls 20*, *Rolls 20*, *Rolls Maximum Damage* :D
I'll bet he's using loaded dice, but even if he is, it's hilarious!!!
Bronze Dragon: THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING, TURN BACK NOW OR I WILL KILL YOU!!!!
My Warlock: (Practically nicknamed "He's Evil") Prove it by eating the pair of orcs! (NPCs)
DM: The orcs now hate you, even diplomacy won't work on them now.
(I'd already figured out that the dragon couldn't hurt us due to a celestial alignment and his duty as the guard of a sacred cave)
The party walks into a room that has an alcove with a stone hand that is holding a bejeweled trident that radiated magic.
Entire Party, turning to the greediest member of the party: NOBODY TOUCH IT!!!!
Greediest member of the party: What? I'm not stupid. Rogue, check for traps. And take 20.
Ironically, the greediest member of the party does end up getting the trident. Which radiates moderate evocation (Good) and conjuration. And doesn't even try to use it.
The Sitrep: We're currently a level 11 human Wizard and a level 4 Girrash Fighter. We're defending Neverwinter against the armies of Luskan, and an orcish horde which have laid siege to Neverwinter. Repelling the initial assault, we are now trying to decide what to do.
Options discussed before now include:
Send a horde of dragons summoned via Lesser Dragon Ally to Luskan, under orders to "Burn the city, starting with the ships in harbor and working your way inland, with priority to destroy any mages that opposed you before returning to the burnination",
"Drop a crapload of compressed lampoil and alchemist's fire on the armies' respective camps"
"Challenge the Orc Leader for control of his tribe in single combat". (Veto'd by DM on account of not being orcs.)
But this one.... Hoo boy. I'll just post the chat log, sanitizing it of my friend's name.
ShadowDragon8685: I just had an idea.
ShadowDragon8685: electrified concertina wire with a string of monowire in the middle. (Random, this is discussing Shadowrun)
Friend: shoot
Friend: That would be kewl
Friend: ........wait, that gives me a relevant idea.
ShadowDragon8685: Dropping electrified swords on their camp so they can grab them and recieve a nasty shock?
Friend: No!
Friend: Okay, first we need a Bottle of Air, a bag of holding, about a dozen metal cages, some wire with Fortify Hardness cast on it.......
Friend: And a Ring of Elemental Resistance (electric)
Friend: Oh, and 20 Shocker Lizards
ShadowDragon8685: ><
Friend: the 40d8 cattleprod of doom
ShadowDragon8685: This can't end well.
Friend: 40d8 once or twice a day
Friend: Of course, the person holding it gets shocked just as bad
Friend: I'll need to think of a way to fix it.....but still
Friend: We could challenge the leaders of Luskan to solo combat? Loser surrenders.
ShadowDragon8685: ><
Friend: Okay, seriously. Here's an idea
Friend: Desease was the real killer of midevil warfare, right? But that's not a problem in D&D because of all the clerics with Cure Desease
Friend: Clerics are more common then wizards, but their still by no means common. Even if each cleric he has is 5th level and prepares nothing but Cure Desease between 1/4th and 1/6th of his army would have to be clerics to heal everyone at once
Friend: So lets say we sent spies and assasins into his camp......
Friend: And terminate all his clerics, that and threw around a few scrolls of Contagen
ShadowDragon8685: >_<
Friend: I'm serious.
ShadowDragon8685: Try and think like you're CG, not CE!
Friend: Any clerics with him.......
Friend: Abandoned their temples to march with an evil lord to conquer one of the most LG cities in all of Fae'run.
Friend: They deserve it.
ShadowDragon8685: That's CE talking
Friend: No "Judge Dredd" is [b]L[/bE
Friend: But fine then capture the clerics.
Friend: It's not like were at any serious penalty if we choose to do subdual
ShadowDragon8685: USING CONTAGION IS EVIL, NUMSKULL!*
Friend: ......oh, right
Friend: that detail
Friend: <_<
ShadowDragon8685: This goes in the "best lines" thread.
ShadowDragon8685: It just has to.
Friend: >_<
Friend: Do eet! :-)
Friend: I don't suppose you'd be any more gung-ho for plauge ridden bodies in catapults?
ShadowDragon8685: >_<
Friend: ....right, new plan
Friend: Hmmm.
Friend: If we had a Succubi and a Helm of Opposite Alignment....
*the actual word I used was much, much more graphic.
P1:Not this chick. Why? Why her?
DM: Scratch that. *uses DM power "Rewind"* Never mind. Nobody walks in.
------------later------------
DM: You go downstairs. You see some of the patrons passed out on the floor. The chick who never came in, still isn't there.
first incident was with some annoying guy who rp'd WAY WAY WAY to much, and got WAY WAY WAY to into it in a low rp game
(in a squeeky "goblin voice") chuck: ee hee hee I attack!
dm:..k
chuck:DIEEE!
dm:um..k the drow cleric is dead
chuck: I feast upon her flesh
Dm:um...um..ok
(pantomimes gnawing on a human leg..eyes bulging making weird sounds)
joe: ..would drow ******s be all cobwebby?
dm: eww...
chuck: so..does she have anything
Dm: yes chuck...she has (makes clapping sound) and now its in your mouth.
or my "newb" moment as an evil cleric fighting a vampire
me: I cast water
dm: ok, there is now water up to his ankles
(on my next turn, the vampire is almost dead) me: I bless the water
joe: you bless it
me: yes...I bless it, its holy, he takes damage from holy stuff..hes a vampire
joe:you BLESSED it...
me: yes
Joe: and you are an EVIL cleric..
me: well F***
PC: Three plans...
A) We blow up the door with Gunpowder.
B) We blow up the door with more Gunpowder.
C) We blow up the door with even more Gunpowder!
DM: There's no Gunpowder in D&D.
PC: ... can we invent it in time to blow down the door?
A party who were playing a game whilst I was making disturbed conversation about how to "properly" play a Ninja class...
PC: Three plans...
A) We blow up the door with Gunpowder.
B) We blow up the door with more Gunpowder.
C) We blow up the door with even more Gunpowder!
DM: There's no Gunpowder in D&D.
PC: ... can we invent it in time to blow down the door?
no originality... Especialy since the ninja can go ethreal at higher levels (level 8 I believe)
Wizard: I'm the smartest here, shut up Raz.
Raz:....
Wizard: Now it seems to me that the door with no lock, hinges, made of sheer stone and such, is impenetrable to our normal methods. There-fore I shall sally forth and use my Sonic Balls to destroy that door!
Raz: But we can ju-
Wizard: LISTEN HERE YOU MORONIC PLANAR! WE ONLY HAVE THREE OPTIONS HERE LIKE IT SAYS IN YOUR PRECIOUS RULE'S OF THREE! ONE; BLOW UP THE DOOR! TWO; BLOW UP THE DOOR! AND THREE; USE A SONIC BALL TO ERADICATE THE GRANITE FROM IT'S CURRENT POSITION!
Raz: we have a dwarven cleric who can use Stone Shape.
Cleric:
Wizard:..........Oh....right.
No originality maybe, but strikingly similar to a situation I was once in.
Wizard: I'm the smartest here, shut up Raz.
Raz:....
Wizard: Now it seems to me that the door with no lock, hinges, made of sheer stone and such, is impenetrable to our normal methods. There-fore I shall sally forth and use my Sonic Balls to destroy that door!
Raz: But we can ju-
Wizard: LISTEN HERE YOU MORONIC PLANAR! WE ONLY HAVE THREE OPTIONS HERE LIKE IT SAYS IN YOUR PRECIOUS RULE'S OF THREE! ONE; BLOW UP THE DOOR! TWO; BLOW UP THE DOOR! AND THREE; USE A SONIC BALL TO ERADICATE THE GRANITE FROM IT'S CURRENT POSITION!
Raz: we have a dwarven cleric who can use Stone Shape.
Cleric:
Wizard:..........Oh....right.
:heehee :heehee :heehee (At both the original on the thread and the followup!)
From last week's session.
DM: The druid's shark now thinks that getting picked up as an animal companion was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Druid: I should hope so, he's done nothing but eat since I picked him up!
Said shark has been in at least one battle a day since he became an animal companion, and he's alwaye gotten to eat some of the carcasses that are left behind.
DM: You find a club, it glows slightly blue and vibrates slightly in your hand
me: what is it?
joe: its magic..
me: vibrates...magic! it must be good
joe: its just a +1 club...
dm: yeah..its just a +1 club...
me: but it VIBRATES...
josh: not like that!...its...magic vibrations...
me: can I seduce people with it?
josh: what! no! its just magic...the magic is what makes it vibrate
me: I am SO using it to seduce people...
DM: Fine...
me: It does +3 charisma...its the vibrating club of seduction.
(everyone sighs)
DM:...ok.
thus...the vibrating club of seduction was born..its used to this date.
Cast: We all started with two characters
Me: Zergei: fighter who has a problem with rolling 1's and shattering weapons, also like to yell battle cries in "minotaur"; Tenzeer: slightly pyromaniac halfling who mainly fights with a bow
Friend 1: Eldae: magic user whose main battle contributions after using up his daily spell allotment consists of making snarky comments, he also has a silver dagger, a broken spear (makeshift staff), and a silver chalice; Turamarth: fighter, currently sad at the loss of his +1 handaxe
Friend 2: Templar: thief, one of best characters in party, once killed 10 orcs single-handedly in one encounter
There are a few more, but they aren't really important in the story.
We had just burst in on a hobgoblin torture chamber and killed the guards. Afterwards, we were talking to the prisoners (5 humans, 1 orc, 1 gnoll) before freeing them. We freed the orc and gnoll who told us that one of the humans was a werewolf. They released him and attacked us. Eldae had given Turamarth his silver dagger and cast sleep, incapacitating the orc and gnoll. Turamarth and Zergei kept the wolf near the wall, and Tenzeer and Templar were firing silver arrows at the wolf. This was near the end of the fight.
Turamarth: I stab the werewolf with my silver dagger, and...*rolls 20* critical hit! And I deal *roll 4* plus 3, times two is 14 damage.
DM: He's looking pretty weak.
Templar: I'll fire a silver arrow *rolls 4* and miss with a sliver arrow.
Tenzeer: My turn, I'll fire a silver arrow and *rolls 17* hit! And do *rolls 3* 3 damage.
DM: The werewolf doesn't look too good, he's teetering, and *roll* the gnoll wakes up.
Eldae: (after doing nothing for three turns) I'll throw my broken spear at the gnoll and *rolls 18* hit!
DM: I'll give you 1d2, heads is one, tails is two.
Eldae: *flip coin* Tails, that's two points!
Zergei: Nice throw, mage-boy! I'll attack the gnoll and *roll enough for a kill*
DM: The werewolf attacks Zergei with 2 claws and a bite. He *rolls* misses with claws and *rolls*, what's your AC?
Zergei: Zero.
DM:...and hits! Doing *roll* three points of damage, and put a star next to your character's name.
The next turn comes around, and Zergei, Turamarth,Templar, and Tenzeer all miss.
DM: He's still looking pretty bad, one more attack should do it.
Zergei: Do something, mage-boy!
Eldae: Umm *looks through inventory* Hey! I have a silver chalice, I'll throw it at him!
DM: :rolleye2: Alright, roll.
Eldae: *Roll 18* that's enough to hit, how much damage?
DM: 1d2, same as before.
Eldae: *Flips coin* Tails! That's two damage.
DM: And... :OMG! ...That drops him.
At that point we all just started laughing so much we had to stop playing.
And so is born the legend of Eldae: The man who sley a werewolf with a cup!
In a 2ed game we were going to a graveyard and there was a rumor of a ghost there so we were going to check it out. The mage brought along a fork that was silver from the bar and we found 2 silver ornamental swords on a grave and we fought the ghost.
After some me and the paladin fall unconscious from the fight leaving our mage without spells left.
Mage: Uhh... I throw my fork at him!
DM: *Rolls* you hit him... and kill him...
Mage:
Im going to keep the fork forever!In another situation we started fighting a mage/fighter and he cast flame shield right as the parties paladin and i struck at him... knocking both of us out.
DM:
What are you going to do without any spells left?Mage: *searches his pack and finds the fork* Behold my fork of slaying *throws it*
DM: *Rolls*
you hit him and kill him...Mage:
Muahahaha 2nd kill with the forkYet again he was able to slay something with his fork but i cant really remember what it was.
Wizard(npc):What you failed do you know what you have done, do you know what the bottle you lost was worth?
Ranger (groop rep): no the caravan driver was dead before he could tell me.
Wiz:MY DRIVER IS DEAD!!!!!??! that's it now to deside your punishment...
Ranger(picks this moment to snap):PUNISHMENT!!! Look Bleep if you where not such a Bleeping Bleep bleep son of a bleep you would stop being such a Bleep and Bleeping protect your own Bleeping caravan!!!!!!!
(at this point the ranger and the rest of our party was killed, mad high lv wiz plus fore or five iron golems equals horrible death)
cleric: *whispers to rakshasa* Im going to attack the governor with a sleeper bolt, then we can rob him. *shoots sleeper bolt*
cleric: make him a will save..he also takes ..1 damage
dm: he makes it..
cleric: ****!
rogue: *bluff check of 45* DID YOU SEE THE SIZE OF THAT BEE!
gov: yes...bee..im feeling woozy all of a sudden.. *fails will save, and balance check, falls down stairs*
at this point we tie him up..steal his rugs and all of his tiles..yes tiles...along with some gold and items
gov.: *wakes up* YOU! WHY AM I TIED UP!
rogue: MAN! That bee tied you up and took all your SHI* *bluff of 50*
gov: oh..well untie me!
rogue: cant..
gov: why no-*gets hit with another sleeper, fails save)
the governor wakes up in a room with a note by his head..the note reads:
"buz buz buzz, buz buz, mother fuc*er. -the bee"
I have a few more from that game..but ill save them.
Paladin: I use Detect evil
DM: Everything is evil, the floor, the celing, the walls, all of it.
Paladin: I HAVE BEEN EATEN BY EVIL! ATTACK!
DM:
you attack what?Paladin: I start with the floor! Attack with my Maul! *rolls* Critical hit, max damage, AND I SMITE THE EVIL
Dm:
Paladin: well what happened?
DM: the evil falls over and dies. Congratulations, you killed evil, you win dnd.
Paladin: WOO HOO! I WIN...... really?
DM: no not really.
that last woo hoo was followed by him getting up and doing the "in your face" dance to the rest of us.
We're defending Neverwinter against the armies of Luskan, and an orcish horde which have laid siege to Neverwinter. Repelling the initial assault, we are now trying to decide what to do.
Is said army is lead by an ex-paladin blackguard who was once your superior and the leader of a cult devoted to ancient lizard people? Because if that's the case, your DM really needs to stop stealing plots from video games.
Once (in a Birthright/Midnight game), we were running from the forces of the Shadow (né Gorgon) that currently ruled the nation (Anuire -- it's a long story) we were based in, when our ranger was kidnapped. Thus we concocted a daring plan to extract him from the enemy camp, full of enemy soldiers of unknown goblinoid heritage, to extract him. Of course, the plan doesn't go off quite as well as we'd hoped, and a soldier spots us approaching, shouting at us in a guttral language no one in the party understands.
Well, being from far-off Khinasi (an arabic-themed land), my human hexblade proceeds to shout something in his own native language, which neither the party nor the soldiers understand. It was worth a chuckle from the DM when I handed him the note with the translation: roughly, "Speak Common, idiot!"
:heehee :heehee :heehee (At both the original on the thread and the followup!)
From last week's session.
DM: The druid's shark now thinks that getting picked up as an animal companion was the best thing that ever happened to him.
Druid: I should hope so, he's done nothing but eat since I picked him up!
Said shark has been in at least one battle a day since he became an animal companion, and he's alwaye gotten to eat some of the carcasses that are left behind.
I've also seen how druids can be funny. Our party's druid insists that elementals are a thing arcane, not natural, and that dragons are nature's embodiments of the four elements. So as soon as he's 12th level (and qualifies) he takes a Dragonne as an animal companion. DM rules that a Dragonne, if an animal companion, would understand druidic, but can only speak draconic. Since the druid hasn't yet learned draconic, he employs the sorceress as translator.
Anyway, the druid is so excited that he blabs on and on, recounting his life story and trying to start a true friendship with the dragonne.
Druid: So then, what's your story?
Dragonne: I was born, I grew up, I got partnered with an idiot.
Druid then looks to the sorceress all excited, wanting to know what the dragonne said. [Note: the sorceress may or may not have feelings for the druid beyond their long-standing friendship].
Druid: What'd he say?
Sorceress: Um . . . He doesn't remember. Says he has amnesia.
Me: So... um.. Hi.
Him: Hello.
Me: So what brings you into these woods?
Him: .... (desperately thinking of a reason why his character would be here.) I had to take a dump.
Me: What's that got to do with being in the woods?
Him: I didn't want anyone to see me go.
Me: You're about a four-hour hike into these woods right now.
Him: I really didn't want anyone to see me.
A short while later.
Me: I'm heading north to join the Azuerl nation in a fight against the Gilfgremsh aggressors.
Him: (realizing that he needs to somehow partner up with my character, and needing to come up with some sort of in-game motivation.) Oh! He killed my mother. I'll-
Me: (interrupting eagerly) Did he have six fingers?
DM: (Physically jumping to our conversation and pointing a finger at me) NO!
This prompted a twenty-minute discussion of The Princess Bride.
DM: As Weenog flicks the latch, the jar rockets up out of its holder, spewing out water at a tremendous rate.....Weenog flips backwards to avoid it, catching onto a lever, which pulls under his weight.... There is a tremendous rumbling.....
Weenog: Oh, no, no no nonono!!
DM: And the entire contents of the tower, some five hundred thousand gallons of water, rocket out of the doorway of the tower, accompanied by a whining sound as the decanter rockets up into the night sky. Merena manages to dodge to the side just in time, and the dwarven harpooner jams his harpoon between the flagstones, riding out the force of the water.
Weenog's player OOC:
, they're gonna charge me for a replacement decanterDM: Nerdanel's head turns in time to see the vast wave of water wash out, and smash into the nearby houses....the sounds of screaming babies and startled yelling rends the night sky.
Weenog's player OOC:
...and replacement babies. *cringe*Party1: JACE! Jace its a Succubus!
Jace: Aware of that...thanks. *returns to moaning*
Party2: Uh...do you need some help?
Jace: NO! uh...no I got her right where I want her!
Suiccubus:
Oh yes he does......hm.......Party1:
Is....Is he making the will saves?Party2: I don't think he cares.
After dying, Jace is reincarnated....as a Female Gnome...
Jace: Oh son of a....
Party:
NPC: Well hello....how about we head to the back of the local inn and...
Jace: HEY! I'm a LADY.
Prisoner:Like I would tell a scumbag like you
Dwarf:*Hits him upside the head with his handaxe* Dont make me axe you again!
HAHAHAHA, terrible puns are funny
Bintary (NPC): You explitive explitive explitive explititve! I'll explitive your explitive explitive!
Guard Captain (NPC): I've never heard such language!
Glinfaewyn: He's obviously never heard such use of the word explitive!
It's tough for a DM who's taken a vow never to use profanity. Just today I was running a mini-session to find out what happens while only two members of the party are alive, and they run into a defeated enemy of theirs. This is how I roleplayed him:
Bintary (NPC): You explitive explitive explitive explititve! I'll explitive your explitive explitive!
Guard Captain (NPC): I've never heard such language!
Glinfaewyn: He's obviously never heard such use of the word explitive!
Welcome to my world. In order to counteract this, and make the villains more emotive, I tend to be forced to make them more the Gentlemen-Madmen archetype, using finery and fluid language that, unfortunately, the players never understand...
Psion: That man at the party, as you know, was no man. I have done some research on the subject and I believe him to be Garrok.
Rest of the Party:
who?Psion: Okay, it's like this, he's known as the tenth of the nine, the nine being the nine lords of the Hells. He's a deity of evil with a small but elite following here on faerun which just so happens to be his home plane, it's not his avatar, it's him in the flesh, and he seems to have set his sights on using us in some way.
Rest of the Party: :OMG!
Fighter:
:surrender So... basically we're all going to die horribly... :lightbulb Barmaid? Whiskey and lots of it! I definately, definately need to be drunk for this.The group had just finished what was basically the introduction adventure to the campaign and in the process had found out exactly who we'd stumbled into the path of.
Psion: That man at the party, as you know, was no man. I have done some research on the subject and I believe him to be Garrok.
Rest of the Party:
Psion: Okay, it's like this, he's known as the tenth of the nine, the nine being the nine lords of the Hells. He's a deity of evil with a small but elite following here on faerun which just so happens to be his home plane, it's not his avatar, it's him in the flesh, and he seems to have set his sights on using us in some way.
Rest of the Party: :OMG!
Fighter:
:heehee Your Fighter is the win.
It's tough for a DM who's taken a vow never to use profanity. Just today I was running a mini-session to find out what happens while only two members of the party are alive, and they run into a defeated enemy of theirs. This is how I roleplayed him:
Bintary (NPC): You explitive explitive explitive explititve! I'll explitive your explitive explitive!
Guard Captain (NPC): I've never heard such language!
Glinfaewyn: He's obviously never heard such use of the word explitive!
I advise using colourful language without expletives, such as:
Bintary (NPC): You children of women of uncertain reputation and unknown fathers who doubtless performed lewd acts upon said women and numerous others, some of which may not have been humanoid! I'll perform deeds of revulsion to your private areas and send you to visit a taxidermist on your own behalf!
It's an art I learned off a lawyer friend who can both use expletives and insult people even more without using expletives.
It's tough for a DM who's taken a vow never to use profanity. Just today I was running a mini-session to find out what happens while only two members of the party are alive, and they run into a defeated enemy of theirs. This is how I roleplayed him:
Bintary (NPC): You explitive explitive explitive explititve! I'll explitive your explitive explitive!
Guard Captain (NPC): I've never heard such language!
Glinfaewyn: He's obviously never heard such use of the word explitive!
Sounds explititve.
Hey, speaking of the only two living characters left...I don't want to be dead anymore...
Cyan: "Your rhino is going to squish him!"
Bashr: *sheepish* "My rhino can be gentle"
"Hey, what did the five fingers say to the face? DIE!"
After dying, Jace is reincarnated....as a Female Gnome...
Jace: Oh son of a....
Party:
NPC: Well hello....how about we head to the back of the local inn and...
Jace: HEY! I'm a LADY.
Flipping a coin for gender on a reincarnation is the best idea ever.
me-ex naval officer
"pike"-ex marine
The game started out with me and "pike" on a shuttle heading tword a planet to look for jobs. To get the roleplaying started "Pike's" player started maiking stuff up and I went along with it. We started talking about how appenrently my character had wreked our previous ship by running it into another one which caused me to say this.
Me-It was a temporary loss inconcentration alright? I mean it could happen to anyone!
This next one took place after we landed
Me-Well were on the planet and we can A. look for a job now or B. you could do what you usally do and do nothing till you have to then make a mad dash to find any job that pays.
"Pike"-Well I could beat you up and take your money
Me-Well that would not help much
"Pike"-It would help me
After the first combat during this session after the local militia came they asked us if we were hurt "Pike" was the only one to have lost health
Officer-Are you hurt sir
"Pike"-Well I am fine if you dont take into account the gun wound in the side of my chest I am fine.
This was the first session of this game and througout the entire time we were both making fun of each other the entire time.
1) Our party was ambushed by a band of goblins during the night. My character was standing watch, and rolled relatively high on a spot check, and saw what was happening. I was, unfortunately, unarmed. I let out a shout, rousing the camp. At this time, a goblin rushed up, entering my threatened area. I roll for an attack of opportunity, and land it for 2 points of nonlethal damage. The goblin, apparently, was a runt, as it dropped like a sack of rocks. The group tank is laughing too hard to roll for initiative for several minutes.
2) We are in combat against a Ghast and two Ghouls, and the Ghouls have fallen. For the next five or six rounds, I miss consecutively with a masterwork crossbow. Jokingly, OoC, our tank leans over, and with a mock whisper, suggests that I "throw my crossbow at it." We have the upper hand in the battle, and we think that it is just a ghoul, so I heed his advice (to his astonishment). The DM tells me to make an improvised ranged attack roll at a -4 penalty. I hit, and deal 3 damage (the DM also rolls, determining that the crossbow remains intact). This is sufficient to kill it, and the DM, slackjawed at my actions, informs the group that we were battling a Ghast, not a Ghoul. He rolls for treasure, and among the spoils is...a masterwork crossbow. The group votes unanimously to give it to me.
the dm tells us he wants us to roleplay more, he will give us XP if we stay IC, on the exact moment he finishes talking one player says to another:
"Damm, I should have taken this feat!"
"I stuff dust of sneezing and choking up his nose."
Fortunately for himself, the merchant decided to cooperate with them before they used the handaxe that turns its wielder's skin green. :D
Cleric of Sotillon (godess of luxury among other things):
"I cast Air Walk" -dancing on tables clearly just isn't good enough
"I summon ...5 celestial bison and lead them in doing the conga"
The fey enjoyed the party
Me: "I need your calitrops, black powder, a couple of tinder twigs, and a metal scroll case."
Hence the first mid-ranged mortar is born.
You would be surprised how much a calitrop with light cast on it looks like a magic missile.
Party consists of...
Human Rogue 2 / Fighter 1 (me)
Human Cleric 2 / Fighter 1
Human Sorcerer 3
Half-Elf Ranger 3
Halfling Wizard 3 (who's absolutely insane)
DM: As you take a look to the right, you see three humanoids the size of kids with wings. They look like they're covered in muck, filth, and s***.
Cleric: So they're s*** people?
DM: Yep, and they just so happen to be flinging said s*** at each other.
Sorcerer: As long as they don't throw it at me, I'm fine. I don't want to get dirty.
Not long after, the cleric tries to communicate with the "s*** people."
Cleric: So, um... Do you three know about a temple down here?
DM: One of the 'S*** people' looks at you, grins, and offers a ball of sludge.
Cleric: No, that's ok, thanks anyway. So how about that temple.
DM: It's still offering...
Cleric: I'll take it as a no. Thanks anyway.
Originally Posted by WarColonel
Playing a rogue/wizard/arcane trickester was has become the Maguiver of the group, we found ourselves trapped within a BBEG's lair with all of our casters out of high level spells. Locked in the run-of-the-mill dungeon, I turn to our female fighter and ask her for a hair pin... and sucessfully pick a DC 25 lock with it. After gathering our supplies, we are confronted by the BBEG. I turn to the fighter again and say:
Me: "I need your calitrops, black powder, a couple of tinder twigs, and a metal scroll case."
Hence the first mid-ranged mortar is born.
The rogue-mage bows.
DM: Okay, you're sent to go look for a lost team mate (BTW he fell in a hole)
Me: Okay we have to use ancient arts of communication that was passed down for generations by the most powerful civilizations ever known to mankind. This system of communication is our only hope of finding my lost friend, and now I shall test this to see it for all that it is worth!
MARCO!
MARCO!
Giant: Little peoples, little peoples do not be afraid of Hogarth! Hogarth will not hurt you.
Fighter: You're a Giant, I thought Giants usually eat people like us.
Giant: Hogarth not like eat little peoples. Little peoples taste funny and hard to catch. Hogarth is vegetabletarian.
Wizards: If you're a vegetarian how do you know that little people taste funny?
Giant: ...Hogarth mean to say, Hogarth is strongly considering merits of vegetabletarianism. Vegetables is easy to catch, they never hear Hogarth sneaking up on them.
(The party members all look at each other, then shrug and do their best to drag get the Giant free.)
Artificer: How did you get like this?
Giant: Hogarth taking nap on trail. Rocks sneak up on Hogarth while Hogarth is sleeping. Usually Hogarth sneak up on rocks. Rocks is even easier to catch than vegetables.
(During this whole conversation no one can keep a straight face or stay in character, including me. So anyway after a while the group pries enough of the big boulders free that Hogarth can crawl out, but his legs are, in his own words, "All bendy!". So the Wizard gives him some healing potions, which he eats, bottles and all, in one bite.)
Giant: Ahh, MUCH better! Hogarth like little man. Hogarth give little man favorite rock as thank-you present.
(He then pulls a boulder the size of a horse out of his back and sets it with a bone-jarring THUD on the trail. The frail elf Wizard looks at the huge stone with an expression something like this:
)Wizards: Um...I'll...I'll treasure it always.
(Later on the group is trying to figure out how to force their way past an enemy encampment to get into the nearby mountain cave that they've been looking for all of this time. They recruit Hogarth to their cause, although the Giant is reluctant because apparently he doesn't like to fight. But the Wizard tells Hogarth that he will give him a potion to make him "Extra sneaky", which is to say, Invisible, so all Hogarth has to do is sneak up and drop a few big rocks on the path and block the bad guys in.)
(So off our simple-minded but intrepid hero goes, "Sneaking" up on the bad guys, who have been roused by what sounds like a small thunderstorm coming their way. Then they're stunned by the sudden appearance of huge frigging rocks that come out of nowhere and completely block the exit to their camp. Then...)
Giant: (Still invisible, but yelling so loud that he almost sets off another rockslide) HEY LITTLE FRIENDS! HOGARTH WAS VERY SNEAKY LIKE YOU SAID! CAN HOGARTH GO HOME NOW?!
(Everyone in the group is doubled over with laughter but manage to gasp out an in-character reply that yes, Hogarth can go home now.)
Giant: DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING! HOGARTH WAS VERY SNEAKY!
(Of course, nothing runs nearly as smoothly as planned and even though most of the bad guys are trapped by the impromptu rockslide, the PCs still have to deal with the covey of Medusas guarding the cave itself. Afterwards they manage to unpetrify everyone except for one Hobgoblin mercenary. After the dust settles Hogarth, now visible, ambles over to check on his little friends.)
Giant: What wrong with little ugly friend?
Wizard: He's, um, sick and we can't help him.
Giant: (brow furrowed) Can't help little ugly friend?
(Hogarth's brow furrows even deeper, then his eyes light up with childlike delight. Everyone watches, stunned, as he picks up the petrified Hobgoblin and sticks it into his bag.)
Giant: Hogarth find new favorite rock!!
(At this point I have to call an early close to the session because NO ONE can stop laughing.)
Last week my players were semi-lost wandering through the mountains when they came across an unfortunate Hill Giant who apparently been caught in a rockslide and was pleading (somewhat ineloquently) for assistance. They approached cautiously.
Giant: Little peoples, little peoples do not be afraid of Hogarth! Hogarth will not hurt you.
Fighter: You're a Giant, I thought Giants usually eat people like us.
Giant: Hogarth not like eat little peoples. Little peoples taste funny and hard to catch. Hogarth is vegetabletarian.
Wizards: If you're a vegetarian how do you know that little people taste funny?
Giant: ...Hogarth mean to say, Hogarth is strongly considering merits of vegetabletarianism. Vegetables is easy to catch, they never hear Hogarth sneaking up on them.
(The party members all look at each other, then shrug and do their best to drag get the Giant free.)
Artificer: How did you get like this?
Giant: Hogarth taking nap on trail. Rocks sneak up on Hogarth while Hogarth is sleeping. Usually Hogarth sneak up on rocks. Rocks is even easier to catch than vegetables.
(During this whole conversation no one can keep a straight face or stay in character, including me. So anyway after a while the group pries enough of the big boulders free that Hogarth can crawl out, but his legs are, in his own words, "All bendy!". So the Wizard gives him some healing potions, which he eats, bottles and all, in one bite.)
Giant: Ahh, MUCH better! Hogarth like little man. Hogarth give little man favorite rock as thank-you present.
(He then pulls a boulder the size of a horse out of his back and sets it with a bone-jarring THUD on the trail. The frail elf Wizard looks at the huge stone with an expression something like this:
Wizards: Um...I'll...I'll treasure it always.
(Later on the group is trying to figure out how to force their way past an enemy encampment to get into the nearby mountain cave that they've been looking for all of this time. They recruit Hogarth to their cause, although the Giant is reluctant because apparently he doesn't like to fight. But the Wizard tells Hogarth that he will give him a potion to make him "Extra sneaky", which is to say, Invisible, so all Hogarth has to do is sneak up and drop a few big rocks on the path and block the bad guys in.)
(So off our simple-minded but intrepid hero goes, "Sneaking" up on the bad guys, who have been roused by what sounds like a small thunderstorm coming their way. Then they're stunned by the sudden appearance of huge frigging rocks that come out of nowhere and completely block the exit to their camp. Then...)
Giant: (Still invisible, but yelling so loud that he almost sets off another rockslide) HEY LITTLE FRIENDS! HOGARTH WAS VERY SNEAKY LIKE YOU SAID! CAN HOGARTH GO HOME NOW?!
(Everyone in the group is doubled over with laughter but manage to gasp out an in-character reply that yes, Hogarth can go home now.)
Giant: DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING! HOGARTH WAS VERY SNEAKY!
(Of course, nothing runs nearly as smoothly as planned and even though most of the bad guys are trapped by the impromptu rockslide, the PCs still have to deal with the covey of Medusas guarding the cave itself. Afterwards they manage to unpetrify everyone except for one Hobgoblin mercenary. After the dust settles Hogarth, now visible, ambles over to check on his little friends.)
Giant: What wrong with little ugly friend?
Wizard: He's, um, sick and we can't help him.
Giant: (brow furrowed) Can't help little ugly friend?
(Hogarth's brow furrows even deeper, then his eyes light up with childlike delight. Everyone watches, stunned, as he picks up the petrified Hobgoblin and sticks it into his bag.)
Giant: Hogarth find new favorite rock!!
(At this point I have to call an early close to the session because NO ONE can stop laughing.)
I have seen the gazebo story, I have seen Raz's stories, and you, sir, win the thread.
This one happened just today. I am playing a CN binder. The group has a paladin, but he doesn't yet know I'm a binder. Today I have bound Malphas. We just met and freed a young dragon, and it dove into a fountain. A very deep fountain. The rest of the group thought we should follow.
Me (I have a raven summoned): I send my raven into the pool.
DM: It gets to a depth of about 30 ft. Then the water pressure crushes it.
Me: I summon another raven and send it down to 29 feet.
DM: It lasts a few seconds, then gets crushed.
Group: We're going down there. Coming?
Me: I don't trust that dragon. I'll stay here and wait for you to return.
DM: Okay, so while you're up here, what do you do?
Me: Hm, well, I'm rather bored... :lightbulb I summon one raven after another and send each one into the pool.
DM: Where each one of them dies.
Me: Right. :D
DM:
WHY?Me: 'Cuz I'm bored.
Paladin: Oh my God, you are getting the god of ravens SO mad at you. He's just going to say, "Okay, no more ravens for you!"
Me: I don't run out of ravens. And even if I did I could summon doves. I expect the water is pitch-black from raven bodies by now.
Barbarian: Black and red from the blood, remember?
Me: Good point.
DM:
If you don't stop that I'm making you Chaotic Evil.Me:
Fine.(Of course, nothing runs nearly as smoothly as planned and even though most of the bad guys are trapped by the impromptu rockslide, the PCs still have to deal with the covey of Medusas guarding the cave itself. Afterwards they manage to unpetrify everyone except for one Hobgoblin mercenary. After the dust settles Hogarth, now visible, ambles over to check on his little friends.)
Giant: What wrong with little ugly friend?
Wizard: He's, um, sick and we can't help him.
Giant: (brow furrowed) Can't help little ugly friend?
(Hogarth's brow furrows even deeper, then his eyes light up with childlike delight. Everyone watches, stunned, as he picks up the petrified Hobgoblin and sticks it into his bag.)
Giant: Hogarth find new favorite rock!!
(At this point I have to call an early close to the session because NO ONE can stop laughing.)
This reminds me of a few years ago when our group was investigating a house with surprisingly realistic statues. A long discussion began over the various methods of petrification and what we might face. Finally, our highest AC character (a gnome) said enough is enough and stated he was going to start exploring further by opening the next door.
Me: Wait a minute... (digs in backpack, pulls out a lantern, and hands it to to the gnome)
Gnome:
But it's daytime; there's plenty of light...Me: I know, but I've always wanted a garden gnome statue for my garden! :D
Attez: (looks at the cleric, chuckles) Yeah. This is what arcane magic can do. You can heal people? I can turn demons into dragons.
This was followed by:
Kohru (I think his name was): I can bring people back from the dead.
Attez: I can kill them again.
This reminds me of a few years ago when our group was investigating a house with surprisingly realistic statues. A long discussion began over the various methods of petrification and what we might face. Finally, our highest AC character (a gnome) said enough is enough and stated he was going to start exploring further by opening the next door.
Me: Wait a minute... (digs in backpack, pulls out a lantern, and hands it to to the gnome)
Gnome: But it's daytime; there's plenty of light...
Me: I know, but I've always wanted a garden gnome statue for my garden!
Seriously this is THE funniest situation ive ever come across on these boards EVER, i just cant stop laughing
Me: Your honour, he is not the assassin, he was with me the whole time and helped me slay an ethereal filcher.
Judge: Do you have proof of this?
Paladin (locked up in a cage): Yes! I have these gems! Here! See for yourself!
The paladin throws the bag of magic gems we acquired through the bars of the cage, not realizing there's actually magical barriers around it and all the gems are set off, but the resulting explosion is contained in the cage. The paladin, needless to say, was vaporized by the blast...
Me: ...I guess this means the trials over?
DM: Ok, you wake up to the sound of a black dragon coming through the door.
Me: In draconion, I ask him what he wants.
Dragon: (in draconion) Why do you travel with this traitor?! (pointing to copper half dragon paladin in our group)
Drago(the half dragon): (Flips the dragon off)
Dragon: (Rolls his eyes, then burns Drago to a crisp)
Me: Well, he didn't last long.
Lunar(elf wizard): Is there some bad chemistry between those two?
Me & Dragon:
This happened when we were exploring the underdark. Drago was later revived.
Let me point out one flaw in that. Black dragons breath acid. Copper dragons breath acid. Both are immune to acid. Both half-dragons types share the immunity.
The Breath Weapon Substitution feat maby?
Let me point out one flaw in that. Black dragons breath acid. Copper dragons breath acid. Both are immune to acid. Both half-dragons types share the immunity.
XD. I called up my DM. We were using D&D minis for our characters. Turns out that it was a red dragon. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I kill me...
Naturally like any DM in that position I went to great lenghts to describe the monstrous granduer of the Warforged Titan as it charged around the bend of the volcanic cavern and rushed the group. They seemed relatively impressed, but no one really got worried until I took the Huge-sized Warforged Titan mini out of my backpack and placed it on the mat.
Bard: SWEET MOTHER OF CRAP!
Wizard: WHERE did you get that thing?
Artificer: Someone, quick, I need a "Dry Pants" spell.
Sorceress: :OMG!
It's worth noting those were all OOC reactions.
During a power gaming session, I had a paladin character who first cast holy sword on himself, then several other magic weapon enhancements, then made a charging smile evil attack on Imix, the evil elemental lord of fire. We added in attack bonus, enhancement bonuses, magic spell bonuses, several other bonuses, for an end result of...
DM: You deal 200 damage.
Me: Booyaka! Down goes the firey titan!
DM: Imix's status is "Barely Injured."
Me: ...OMGWTF!!!
Then there was another occasion where we were fighting our way through a huge briar patch infested with plant monsters that respawned as quickly as we killed them. I had a potion of protection from elements: Fire with me, and some alchemists fire, so I said...
Me: I drink a potion of protection from fire and toss the alchemists fire into the briars, setting them alight! We'll torch the little buggers!
Teammate: Dude, we're all going to burn to death if you do that!
Me: Yeah, probably, but I've got this potion, so I'll be perfectly fine. Do I get XP for killing my own party members?
DM: No.
Me: Oh, well, never mind then.
Glinfaewyn is a rouge, Cuddles is an idiot.
Glin:I'll have two pints!
Barmaid:Two pints of what? *Lists long string of drinks*
Glin:Ummmm....
Cuddles:(Whispering to Glin) I'll handle this.
Cuddles:(To the barmaid) Two Pints!:D
Party:
In a tavern, ordering drinks:
Glinfaewyn is a rouge, Cuddles is an idiot.
Glin:I'll have two pints!
Barmaid:Two pints of what? *Lists long string of drinks*
Glin:Ummmm....
Cuddles:(Whispering to Glin) I'll handle this.
Cuddles:(To the barmaid) Two Pints!:D
Party:
Since you INSISTED I put them here instead of you. I think you're just lazy, not forgetful.
The newest character of mine (Though old, considering I've used him for different kinds of roleplays) is, to put it mildly, an attractive, aristocratic jerk. As well as a wizard. Cuddles and Glin enter the Tavern, and sit down beside the new group, of whom are bounty hunters. Needless to say, my character does not work well with the older characters. After arguing about drinks, they reach the issue of sleeping quarters. After explaining to Cuddles what a 'room' is, the following exchange takes place.
Cuddles: Alright, so we'll take a room for the night. You guys are payin', right?
Damion (Me): No.
Cuddles, of whom is drunk at the moment:That's great. You'll be sleeping on the floor.
Damion: No no, I take the bed. You'll take the floor.
Cuddles: I like floors.
Damion: I'm sure you do. Take the floor.
Cuddles: Dibs on the floor!
After this, we deliberate how we are going to get the now VERY drunk elf, Glin, to a room. Please note that Glin is unconcious.
Damion: Right. *Picks Glin up and shakes her violently* WAKE UP!
DM: She mumbles something to the effect of, "No mommy, I don't want to go to school..."
Damion: I will slightly regret doing, this, seeing as she is, in fact, a female. *Slaps her across the face*
Glin: *Screams like a banshee*
Bar maid(NPC):Whats going on here!
Damion: She was unconcious, I was just trying to wake her up. Believe me, it was an excellent idea.
Bar Maid: Well why didn't you just call me and ask me to dunk her head in the water barrel?
Damion: Also an excellent idea.
After which, Cuddles demands another drink, and is handed water.
DM: Why are you rolling a fortitude save?
Cuddles(ooc): To see if I'm drunk!
DM: But....thats....WATER.
Cuddles: *Rolls a two*
DM:
Ooookayy....Congratulations, you're drunk. You pass out on the floor.Cuddles: Whoo! *Thump*
Leaving Glin behind, Damion and his bounty hunter companions drag Cuddles outside, where they consider how to hide him.
Bar Tender (NPC):You can't just leave him here! He'll scare away the customers!
Damion: Good point. We'll put a bag over his head and bury him over there.
Bar Tender: But he's still alive!
Damion: .....Point?
Me: So, let me get this straight: the orcish army is after us and we're hiding in a shed...
DM: Yep. Suddenly, you hear a knock at the door.
Exod: (opens) IT ORCS! ME KILL ORCS, GUYS!
Zan: Uhh...whatever. (Exod kills several orcs before getting held down by them. Wanre and Zan follow.)
Wanre: (held down) May the power of Hextor kill you all! (looks at me, not held down) uhh, dude, why haven't they gotten you? Are you putting up some psionic sheild?
Me: Not a sheild. Unless you consider bribes and threats to be a sheild. In that case, you'd be right.
Exod: YOU SON OF BI-*sploitch*(head chopped off)
Zan: Traitor! (pointing at sky(DM) Traitor!
DM: What, you don't think he bribed and threatened me too? I'm insulted!
Me: If you two give me 100000 pp each, I'll make sure your deaths are quick and painless.
Wanre: WTF do I care? I myself aren't feeling any pain!
Me: Yes, but it will save us all those needless dice rolls, and no one likes tedious dice rolls.
Wanre and Zan: YOU Ba****d!
Me: Not in front of the orcs, please!
I never again played with those three. I think It's for the best.
I never again played with those three. I think It's for the best.
I am sure they would not play with you, either. Can't think why, though.
Here's what led up to that event:
Orc(NPC): Mindflayer! We kill you now!
Me(on torturing device): OW! Then just get it over with! Unless maybe I can convince you to-OW!
Orc: You trying to make bargain? You need to fill out papers to see boss! (unlatches me and hands me a parchment)
Me: OMFG!! You guys are beurocrats!! Oh no!
Orc: Now, after you sign, go to person behind door to right. Get a blue, yellow, and pink parchment and fill those out. Go to left door in his room! It a closet with papers to sign!
Me: And may I ask you, WTF ARE ALL THESE PAPERS FOR?!?!?!
Orc: Oh, liability, proof of insurance, yada yada yada...
Me: YO! Seinfeld will be furious...
Orc: After you fill out papers in closet-
Me: Wait, I thought I had to sign them!
Orc: Did me say sign? Sorry, me meant fill out. Anyway, after them, take them to the front desk lady. She easy to find. You might have to make two trips. Then, get a green parchment from her, and fill it out. When done, you can wait to see boss.
Me: How long is the wait
Orc: You not want to know.
After all this is over (two months later) I return to Wanre, Zan and Exod.
Zan: Wow, they held you for a long time. They must have tortured you a lot.
Me: Yes, it was agonizing.
That wasn't just torture for him, it was torture for me. The DM actually wrote up most of the papers. I remember one of them saying "Who would you rather sleep with, an elf chick or another mindflayer?"
I almost killed him for that one.
We haven't been gaming recently due to the new little elder god.
However, we are starting up at least one new campaign. Hopefully this will provide some new fodder.
Awwwww. :D
Can't imagine how your table wouldn't provide a bunch of new hilarity considering what we've already seen, KC.
That kid's going to be learning to read out of the PHB, isn't it?
That kid's going to be learning to read out of the PHB, isn't it?
HAH! We're giving him the DMG. The kid's already got a plush 20-sided die that he rolls crits on. :D
As a side note, I've been thinking about getting some of these quotes into some sort of book format through cafepress.
Anyone who is interested needs to e-mail [email]redparrotgames@gmail.com[/email] with the following information.
Your Name
Quotes (complete with character class and race)
Anyone whose name you can remember from the group you played with so they can be listed in the "Mad Props" section
Those that e-mail me, if I need anything else, I'll e-mail you personally and let you know.
Sorry, I imagine I ask too many questions. This thread is great, Madam Kitten. Hope the little sprog grows up to be the bestest, evilest GM evar. (That was intended as a compliment...Reading over it, however, uh, not so.)
I take it that only applies to games of DnD? Will there be an "Other games section"? And should we put the background in somewhere?
I'm glad you asked these questions...
1 -- It would probably be a good idea to have an "Other games" section. Therefore, if your quote does not spring from D&D, put in the pertinant information, i.e. what game, what class, etc.
2 -- Backgrounds should be included as part of the quote.
DM: You now have control of the worm.
Wizard: I stick my tail down my throat and attempt to regurgiate the cleric.
DM: Umm...ok...I don't know what you'd roll...uh..
Me: Make a FORT save!
DM: Yeah sure, roll a fort save.
Wizard: *rolls HIGH*...I don't know what to add to this.
DM: Hmm, you got a 37, unfortunately you needed a 40, the cleric has been spewed out on the floor.
Me to cleric: Hey, good thing you have a really high disgusting value.
DM: I'm just really glad we could say that and not have it be offensive.
Our flights lead us to a small room where we surprise three orcs sitting on their haunches. The party's rogue (me) notes that this is finally an enemy we could actually kill. The orcs overhear and one of them demands to know "what you'se doin' here?" Without hesitation, I yell:
"Kicking your f***ing a**!"
Unfortunately, the rest of the orc warband was in the room next door and wanted in on the party. We were lucky to escape with our lives. But it was worth it - totally worth it. The line has since become a rallying cry for the party.
Sometimes, my impetuous rogue gets a little ahead of himself. Later in the same dungeon the party's ranger and I scout ahead and find a little altar with a lion cub statuette on it. We'd already found a couple others elsewhere in the dungeon. The find led to this conversation:
Me: Hey, another lion statue! Maybe a complete set will solve that puzzle back in the circle room!
Ranger: Yeah!
Me: I grab the statue.
Ranger: Um, shouldn't you check for tra...
DM: Both of you roll a reflex save.
Ranger: (to me) You suck.
Finally, my personal favorite: that same ranger (who has orcs as a favored enemy), encounters a pair of orcs outside the dungeon. One of them barks something about paying a "toll" to cross a bridge (guess they thought they were trolls or something). I open my mouth to reply - some kind of bluff attempt, probably - when I hear the ranger announce:
"I am going to straight up murder you."
Then he did. Good times!
Here's one from last session:
Xander is a elf cleric of Tamara
Viscayne is a human cleric of Wee Jas
(They rarely see eye to eye on anything. This is one of those moments)
Xander: "Hey DM, when are you going to throw an interesting encounter at us?"
Viscayne: "-That we can profit from?"
DM: "What do you have in mind, elf?"
Xander: "Bacon elemental."
DM: "... Bacon Elemental?"
Viscayne: "I'm seeing the possibilities here."
Xander: "It could be a 4 hit die monster from the plane of greasy fats."
Viscayne: "Slam attack casts Grease on the subject."
Xander: "You could kill it for jerky rations." :D
DM: "... Bacon elemental?"
Viscayne: "Hey, wouldn't it be neat if we had a Bacon Domain? Then we could turn and rebuke Bacon elementals! Or distroy them for bacon bits!" :D
DM: "This will be the last time I let the two of you agree on anything."
"Who was Tharizdun again?"
K-man
Within lay an ornate throne encrusted with gems. After deciding that opening a bag of holding underwater was an ill-inspired idea, the party decided to pry off the gems. Therein, a problem arose. A quick inspection by the group's paranoid rogue revealed that the throne was covered not an decorative patterns, but in numerous, well-disguised explosive runes. Our group, after much deliberation, decided that the overly fancy chair carried enough combined explosive charge to level a significant portion of the city, swarming with sahuagin as it was. This, they ruled was a great idea...
Long story short, the group reached the surface as the chair-bomb was detonated by the summoned porpoise (your bardic spell-slots hard at work) detonated, nearly capcising the ship they had chartered. Upon reaching the surface, the party was confronted by the irate and confused sea-captain.
Captain: What in Talos' thundering bullocks just happened?!
Acialis (bard): Um... Nothing. We... Were... uh...
Blazenar (rogue, bluffing, roll:18): Surrounded! By Foul creatures! From the depths they came!
Captain (sense motive, roll: 3): Oh...Okay, then.
Blazenar (bluff, roll: 16): ...They were about to o'ertake the ship! We saved your lives!
Captain (sense motive, roll: 5): Ye did? I thank ye, then. I shall refund a portion of thy money, then. Say... 50%?
Halycon, (clkeric, OOC): Can I try diplomacy to raise that?
One glare stopped that line of thought.
Me (DM): Let me get this straight. You, a Neutral-Good cleric, want to know if you can recieve more gold for DESTROYING AN ENTIRE SUBAQUATIC CIVILISATION?!
Blazenar: :lightbulb This may be so, but I'm Chaotic-Good. Can I try?
Me:
That's it. Screw this, you can all find the alignment portions of your character sheets, IF you know where to find them. Erase whatever is there. Write in CE .Group: :OMG!
DM: the cave looks deserted, no HUMAN life is present
swashbuckler: human? then what are they
Rogue: we have to be careful
the rest of the party at once: why?
rogue: because.... they might be giants!
....
Blazenar: :lightbulb This may be so, but I'm Chaotic-Good. Can I try?
Me:
Group: :OMG!
*cough* To be fair, that's more a CN act than a CE one. And to be fairer, it usually takes a pattern of behaviour to force an alignment change.
*cough* To be fair, that's more a CN act than a CE one. And to be fairer, it usually takes a pattern of behaviour to force an alignment change.
Well, to be fair again, it was an entire civilization...
Well, to be fair again, it was an entire civilization...
To be equally fair, any civilization in which the king sits upon the magical equivalent of a minor nuclear bomb has serious issues.
While I agree about the nuke-equivalent thing, the rest of it still stands.
The Melee-Only Fighter verses a rogue spiderclimbing on the ceiling: As soon as I see her, I chuck my grappling hook at her, and burn an action point to actually hook her with it
DM: Okay...wow, you actually saw her, OK, roll it.
*barely hits*
DM: Alright, that's about 2 points of damage, and I guess she's entangled...oh god...
Fighter: *grins* I put all my weight on the rope. What's her heavy load...?
Cleric--Hay if I am not scared of the half dragon(other party member fighter) I am not scared of you and i don't care what you have to say about it.
Rogue--I don't want you to be scared of me and if you **** me off again I will kill you in your sleep! (then I walked off)
Everyone shut up and looked at me thinking I would do it. But my character is not bad he just wanted to scare the cleric alittle as i would never kill him in hissleep the half dragon is a diff story.
Epic Level Quotes
-Fighter and Ranger were just vomited up aftre beign swalloed by the Tarrasque-
In Unison: "WE. NEVER. SPEAK. OF. THIS. AGAIN."
-Ambushed by Zhent Marauders-
Battlecry: "NO ONE EVER EXPECTS THE ZHENTARIUM!!"
And my work-in-progress character's personal quote;
"What doesn't kill me; Makes me P****D"
"Organs are supposed to stay inside your body. Being eviscerated doesn't feel nice."
Me: Booyaka!
Do you read Bob and George?
Certain books are for DMs only. They include:
Spoiler:
Monster Manual (all of them)
Unearthed Arcana
Savage Species
Dungeon Masters Guide II
Book of Challenges
Lords of Madness
Libris Mortis
I actualy own all of those, except Lord sof Madness and DMG II. And yet, the only game I DMed was a failed, 8-10 player travesty where the ycrasehd on "Duck Island," and proceaded to kill a donkey, which had been eating the opium that grew like grass on the island.
I have yet to try again. But I can recite half the stats of everything my most recent DM thorws at us! :D He threw something at us and I said "Isn't that thing's CR like... 17? And dosen;t it have Spell Resistance?"
It was.
Yeah, and I'm Lord of the Tenth Hell.
DM: Technically, a sense motive check is needed here. You wanna try?
Paladin's player: Sure, why not?
Results:
Town: Ahh! Run for your lives!
Paladin: Damnit! That counts as lying. Do I lose my class abilities? (Paladins can't lie)
DM: I'll be kind. It was an accident.
However, the town was still hunting down the Lord of the Tenth Hell. When the party's caught, the ranger chips in:
We've been hunting down the Lord of the Tenth Hell. The accursed fiend and his minions have disguised themselves as us, in an attempt to slow us down by getting us into trouble.
NPC: You (the paladin). Is this true?
Paladin: I am indeed a paladin. I would gladly accept any testing to prove so. Surely there is a cleric whose divine power can reveal the truth.
Fun times, fun times.
"The only difference between Law and Chaos, Good and Evil, is the combined difference between what you are told to do, what you say you will do, and what you actually wind up doing."
dm: "roll a d20"
player: "20!"
dm: "you die"
****
ship captain: (talking to dock overseer) "when is the next supply ship coming in?"
overseer: " that would be the virgin messle, which is actually its just pulling in now, right next to your ship"
note* i meant to say mechant vessle, but messed up and said virgin messle, and decided to call the ship that
ah good times...
I traveled to the plane of shadow.
DM: You get the feeling that something is nearby.
Me: Who's there?
Voice: Me.
Me: Show yourself!
Voice: No.
Me: (dire threats)
Voice: Very well. You have forced me to reveal myself, something I do not enjoy doing. (figure flickers into view in front of me) What do you want?
Me: To kill you. (attacks)
We fight, with the NPC using nonlethal force (mainly directed against my weapons) but clearly establishing himself as more powerful than I. I back off after a while to "regroup." I head to a nearby city on the plane, where I try to get some more info on my quarry. I wind up negotiating with a wyrm, and the NPC walks in at that moment.
NPC: What's all this?
Dragon: Our friend here seems to be preparing to kill...someone.
Me:
I'm out of here.Dragon (in the background): Well, that settles that.
I continued lurking on the Plane of Shadow for a while and slaughtered a high priest of Bane I came into conflict with. A while later I was forced to work together with this NPC on behalf of Mask against Cyric. We were successful.
Mask (to NPC): In gratitude to you for helping me reclaim my portfolio of Intrigue, I have sponsored to you become a demigod.
NPC: :D :D :D
Me: I have a heart attack and die.
DM:
Me: I CAN'T FRIGGIN' KILL A GOD!!!
NPC-demigod: Who wants you to kill a god? I hired you to kill the priest of Bane, and you did.
Me: My quarry was on the PoS and never showed his face, and this guy I've never seen shows up on the PoS and doesn't want to show himself, and....
DM & Me together: ...D'OH!
Fighter: (OOC: No Way!)
Sorceress: [Begins casting Charm Person on the Librarian]
Fighter: Grapples the sorceress in the middle of the spell. As the rest of the Library looks at them, the Fighter shouts "Seizure!" and carries her out.
Fighter to Royal agent: We've got the man you're looking for:
[Party turns over their unconscious captive to the royal agent. The captive has been beaten to roughly -150 subdual]
Fighter: It may not look like him, but its him.
[The party is on the way to the BBEG stronghold and encounter a frozen river. The party ranger has come up with a plan to get across. Everyone crosses easily, except the fighter, who was a little too heavy and the Ice begins to break]
Ranger: I run up the river ahead of the break, and cross.
(Me): Okay, reflex save please
Ranger: (rolls) Crap! I fail
(Me): Climb check please
Ranger: (rolls)
(Me): Well ranger, you've just fallen into an icy river.
Fighter: [Throws the rope to the Ranger] (Succeeds).
Ranger: [Grabs the rope.]
Fighter: [Tugs the rope and drags the Ranger ashore]
DM: Reflex save, please Ranger
Ranger: $#!!
DM: The rest of the dry party fishes out a paler, colder and bruised ranger.
The PCs are bailing out of a sunken ship, and the Ranger is the only one with the endurance feat. Therefore:
Ranger: I know that I can swim to that Isle
Fighter: With my Armor Check Penalty...
Sorceress: No swim skill here. (Instructs Hawk familliar to look for bears. IN THE OCEAN)
Rogue: I don't have swim either.
The rest of the party rides aboard a makeshift raft, and the Ranger swims way ahead of the sluggish raft (which is most certainly not a seaworthy craft). He discovers that the man they are chasing has kicked his boat away from the shore, and he boards it and paddles back to the raft to find--that they've barely moved towards the island.
Exhausted Ranger, after three straight hours of swimming and paddling: "You guys can suck my left nut!!"
Just the ones I like so far...
Half-orc paladin
Human druid
Halfling Druid
While we're going down the road a guard pulls next to us on the back of a horse.
Guard: Excuse me, have you seen this man. *Holds up a picture of my character*
I jump out of a nearby bush and using a scissor motion cut off the guard's head.
The paladin just looks at me
So caught up in the moment I, now ontop of the horse jab my other sword into its head. killing it as well. The halfling faints.
The human druid begins to rant about how I should respect animals, as does the paladin about people. So after about an hour of their incessant ranting I shout,
"OK I THINK WE BEAT THAT HORSE TO DEATH!!"
At that point I am imediatly slapped by the DM.
oi what a day
that good, eh?
heh my players are channeling you
how so?
one starts a fire and the other tries to destroy the city
Monk: "I know a handful of words worth the same as yours, but my mother taught me not to use them in mixed company."
Cast:
Samurai - Me
Palidin
Scorc
We have been searching for this abandonded castle that apparently is making nature beef up and attack things...so we are searching for this river that will take us north. so we are woken up in the middle of the night by some jungle trolls and manage to kill one before the other runs away, we decide that they will be back with more so we better set out again after little to no sleep. We are walking along when the DM asks what order we are walking in, it goes Samurai, scorc, paly. then the DM states that we can faintly hear the sound of running water. The samurai then starts moving forward more looking for the source of the water when the DM asks for a reflex check. I fail misribly with a 1 and off the side of the cliff i go....down 100 feet into 20 feet of water with half plate...so im at the bottom of this river and my other team mates are now scurrying to climb down a cliff face even tho none of us has and points in climb. so about half way down the scorc fails a climb check and pummles to the rocky shore below. meanwhile im STILL at the bottom of this river struggling for my life. then the scorc cast light on the grappling hook and starts fishing for samurai and by chance finds me and we start pulling my ass out the water. once on shore the pally finaly makes it to the shore, after falling 20-30 feet. we lay there exhausted...
not really a funny line...more like a situation...cuz i was cryin like a ***** the whole time for the D&D gods to spare my char...
DM: You enter the office of Niskatel. The man at the desk doesn't look particularly imposing, but as he meets each of your gazes, you find yourself instinctually snapping to attention.
Warmage: *looks down at the two and a half foot tall halfling* Wow. *snaps eyes back to the rebel leader* Sorry sir, I've just never seen him stand so... um... tall.
First and only time anyone has managed to make me literally fall off a chair laughing.
I can't remember much of it, so I'll just post stuff I remembered.
Me: I headbutt the guard's crotch.
DM: The guard falls over, clutching his crotch.
A few rounds later, on a different guard,
Me: I cast acid splash on the guard's crotch.
DM: He falls over and starts puking.
Captain: I want you to go and find out what happened to the family in the home, and if at all possible, eliminate the ones responsible for the atrocity. After you have done this, I will give you all a handsome reward.
Impsh: Huh? Me no understand what man be saying.
Me: (Whispers in his hear) Shiny coins Impsh. He's giving us shiny coins.
Impsh: Shiny Coins! SHINY COINS!!!
See the sig to get my character's mannerisms. Or dont, as I'm going to explain it. He's insane, and insists that his dead lover talks to him.
We come across a +1 light crossbow...his weapon of choice.
Me: Oooooh! Can I play with the new toy?
Party Rogue: Uh...sure. Go nuts.
Me: I like playing with my toys. My toys are always fun, the way they make things bleed makes me so happy.
Party:
Later, we encounter and defeat a mother dog and her puppies.
Me: Don't worry little doggies! We're gonna feed you!
My character then kills the mother dog and stuffs her meat into the puppies throats.
Me: Eat up doggies, Darling doesn't want you to starve.
Party:
Rogue: So just who is 'Darling' anyways.
I show them the skeleton in my character's suitcase.
Me: This is Darling. Say hi to the nice people, Darling.
Rogue: Lovely.
Usually I'm on the DM side of things and only roleplayed a few characters, but this is definately my favorite so far....even moreso than the one-armed Usagi samurai I made for L5R.
DM: You summon a bear. I growls menacingly and then looks at you as if wanting instructions.
Me: Sweet, a bear! Smokey, Attack!
DM: Okay... *Rolls dice* Smokey attacks with his +3 Shovel of fire-extinguishing and kills the monster.
We laughed for a bit. Just before "Smokey's" time ran out and he disappeared, he turn to us and said, "Only you can prevent forest fires."
Me: That's because we start most of 'em.
Adarra,my half-drow sorcerer,starts out as a wandering mercenary.She ends up aiding a city that is being attacked by the BBEG's legions of undead.She's helping to hold the wall when a section of it is blown away.Adarra is knocked to her feet and picks herself up just in time to see a of group of three undead things that are very big and apparently hungry as they make a beeline for the unfortune half-drow.Adarra tries to do a runner but ends up cornered and unable to escape because of debris...
Adarra:
...uh oh*big things charge right at her*
Adarra: ohcrapohcrapohcrap...uh...uh...fireball!
*fireball incinerates one beastie and sents the others running*
Adarra:*stands there for a second in shock and then points to the black mark on the ground were the undead thing once was* PWNED!!!
Soon afterward the city was overrun,but Adarra managed to flick the BBEG off before using a scroll of teleportation to escape
Oooh, thought up another good one. One time, we were fighting some random monsters (Don't remember what they were; possibly Gorrilions) and I decided to try using a Bag of Tricks I had recently acquired. I chucked a ball out when my turn came.
DM: You summon a bear. I growls menacingly and then looks at you as if wanting instructions.
Me: Sweet, a bear! Smokey, Attack!
DM: Okay... *Rolls dice* Smokey attacks with his +3 Shovel of fire-extinguishing and kills the monster.
We laughed for a bit. Just before "Smokey's" time ran out and he disappeared, he turn to us and said, "Only you can prevent forest fires."
Me: That's because we start most of 'em.
LOL! I liked this one.
Now I was playing a human ranger who was to be completely different from my normal character of Raz the rogue-mage.
Note that those humans who touch the water have a chance of contracting disease.
DM: Okay, the orc jumps into the water and may try to escape through the only water-route out of the cavern.
Me: Okay, I'm going to pull out my sword and hope that he.....wait a second! I'M A TOTAL BAD
! I'M GOING TO USE MY GRAPPLING HOOK TO SECURE A ROPE TO A STALAGTITE THEN I'M JUMPING IN!!!Kept the orc from escaping I did! Too bad one of my team-mates decided to throw a rock and critically hit me!
Alright! Actually happend during a D&D session.
"Bandits slide out from the alleyway one from behind and *rolls a spot* you notice one behind you. The one infront of you his a broad half orc. The one behind you looks small and slender. The Half-Orc speaks up "Your coin purse or your life" What do you do?"
"I look him straight in the eye and grab my crotch and yell "I GOT YOUR COIN PURSE RIGHT HERE!" and I draw my dagger and roll Initiative!!"
I won that fight.
He decides to sneak attack hime.
Rolls happen and then...
DM-ok....he has a knife in his back. He stands up and turns around.
at this point the look on our rouge's face was priceless
Rouge-says to the guy with knife in his back-"HI there. I found this knife in your back and was just tring to remove it.
The set up, we the town guard were going through a mine looking for whatever's the cause of poisoning the town's water supply. Eventually we come upon an underground river where an orcish cleric of Gruumsh was waiting for us and vowing that all 'humans who tread upon sacred Gruumsh lands shall die!' before fighting commenced.
Now I was playing a human ranger who was to be completely different from my normal character of Raz the rogue-mage.
Note that those humans who touch the water have a chance of contracting disease.
DM: Okay, the orc jumps into the water and may try to escape through the only water-route out of the cavern.
Me: Okay, I'm going to pull out my sword and hope that he.....wait a second! I'M A TOTAL BAD
Kept the orc from escaping I did! Too bad one of my team-mates decided to throw a rock and critically hit me!
Nothing to do with the subject, but what happened with your plans to woo the fair princess that you were asking for help on a few months back? Status update!
*Hugs*
Varia
Nothing to do with the subject, but what happened with your plans to woo the fair princess that you were asking for help on a few months back? Status update!
*Hugs*
Varia
IIRC Rickiel stated in a post a while back that that particular campaign was put in stasis for a while, otherwise I would be supporting your demands
Our party is assaulting an enemy base filled with low level armond(sp?) warriors, we find a key in one of the rooms and promptly forget we have it, after we have our ninja pick the the locks on the next 10 or so doors (sometimes barely getting through) we come to a very good looking locked door, after our ninja fails to unlock it with a 33(on an 18) I think oh great we'll never get through this door and then I remember the key, after we try it and the door opens I decide to look at the key in tiny common I see the word "master key" all I could say was "DOH".
Once the door is open we see 4 enemies and 2 noncombatants plus a large machine which conceals half the room from the door, unfortunately they got better init than most of the party and the combatants were able to take up defensive positions around the door, fearing aoo's nobody went through in the first round(which turned out to almost be what killed me) except the ninja who just went invisible for the round, the second round I decided that I (pyrokineticist) would tumble through the enemies and help the ninja attack from behind, well I failed most of the tumble checks so all 4 got aoo on me as well as the readied actions that two of them had, sicnce I was injured from the last two battle and at half life I was worried when I took 6 hits for that move as now I was at about 20 life I figured I would just get around the machine and ask the ninja for a potion(I didn't have any) however the DM asks me "Do you have another character you want to play" as the BBEG(barbarian) 5' stepped out from behind the machine and gets a full attack on me. I actually started to open up books to create a new character as the DM rolled damage when he looks at me and says "Nevermind, unless you die to triple fumbles", the rest of the party almost fell of their chairs laughing while I just thanked the dice gods for my fortune.
We almost lost the ninja to the BBEG but a timely summon undead 3 from the true necro saved our asses.
The moral of this is: leap attacking barbarians hurt but they still can't take huge skeletons falling on them
Human Rogue 2 / Fighter 1 (me)
Human Cleric 2 / Fighter 1
Human Sorcerer 3
Half-Elf Ranger 3
Halfling Wizard 3 (aka, "Bait")
Ellan Psion 3 (find later)
Half-Elf Sorcerer 3 (find later)
We're just getting back into the sewers again, and get attacked by a Giant Crocodile. After it finds me to be a good snack to pin underwater (and I somehow survive it), the Halfling (who we call "Bait" because we don't know his name and we like sending in for various reasons) searches through some nearby rubble that we were going to investigate anyway.
Halfling: *rolls poorly*
DM: You find a very smooth, large rock.
Halfling: Can I pick it up and put it in my backpack?
DM: You try, but it looks like you're dryhumping it more that actually lifting it.
*the cleric heals me up by this point so I'm not as shakey.
Me: I'll take a look through. *roll in the high teens*
DM: You see the halfling dryhumping an arm.
Me: Oh great, that's ALL we need...
It gets better when we dig out the arm, to find it belongs to the psion, who used to be in his old party.
----------------------------------------------------------
Edit: This actually sets up the next part a little more. See, I was just done with preliminary investigation of a room and cleared that there were no monsters that I saw that would outright attack us. The room was 100 by 60, looking down the 100 foot side. In the middle was a rather big dais with a large, blue flame in the middle. I hadn't checked that for traps yet, and Bait decided to run up to it. Since there WAS a trap on it, it went off, created 12 skeletons, and two ice mephits came out of the flame. Needless to say, I was a bit angry about that. Luckily, the cleric destroyed the skeletons EASILY, and the rest of us pretty much dealt with the mephits.
After combat...
Me: *to Bait, OOC* You perminantly lose two points of Wisdom and become a Kender.
----------------------------------------------------------
Later, as we're finally in the hidden temple we're looking for, I'm nosing around for traps. Bait decides to be nosy and watches me as I start doing my thing...
Me: *rolls mediocre Search*
DM: You don't sense any traps.
Halfling: I wanna look!
Me: *writes a note to the DM*
DM: *to Bait* You suddenly feel light on your feet as you're thrown down the corridor by the Rogue. You land prone, and as soon as you do, whirling blade start going off above you.
Everyone but the halfling:
Me: *to Bait* Stay down! This is why you should stay back and LET ME DO MY JOB! *procedes to take 20 to disable the whole thing and leave a path down the corridor*
Me: *to Bait again* Also, you're now an official part of our group. You had to be initiated somehow.
I might not be Chaotic Good for much longer, but it's ALL worth it. :D
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Edit part two: Almost forgot! We actually DID retrieve what we were looking for, and made our way out. We retreated to the Drunken Monkey (the nicer of the inns in the area), and after our meals, we all basically just hung out for a bit, with the exception of the Psion, who retired to his room.
Psion: I'm going to take a look at the item I picked up.
DM: It's a rounded book with a dragonscale binding. Are you going to open it?
Psion: Sure, why not?
DM: You just start to open it when it snaps open and flips through its pages madly. It stops midway and a huge eye looks into you, right to the depths of your soul. Although it's not malignant, you still feel like your soul is violated. Your hair turns white and you're shaken for the next *rolls* three days.
Human Sorcerer: *OOC* You just got eye humped.
They rolled up level twelve evil characters for the one shot, while I sat flipping through the monster manual, giggling to myself over what I was going to send them up against.
Two psions, one of them thri-kreen, and a frenzied berserker. All ECL 12. First opponent, an iron golem, basicaly pastes the group and they don't bother to heal, just moving on.
Giant spider arrives, promptly slaughters the berserker. The following conversation ensues:
Thri-kreen Psion: Are there any rocks around? (for her to use for telekinetic thrust)
DM (me) : Not really, they're all tied down by webs.
TKP: I've just burnt the place clean with fire breath! (she was currently metamorphed into a red dragon)
DM (me): Fine, you find some pebbles.
Other psion, gesturing at the girl who played the berserker: Use her body, it's about 250 lbs.
DM (me): Around that. It's in two pieces, so its about 110 per.
TKP: I can't! That's just wrong.
Berserker's player: You're Chaotic Evil! Do it!
TKP: Fine! *rolls attack*
I look at her, look at the number and the spiders AC.
DM (me): All right, not only have you defiled the mangled corpse of your ally... but you missed.
DM: You see a big cave full of kobolds.
Fighter: Roofing equipment? WTH?
(note that fighter's player wasn't exactly...brilliant. He was talking about cobbles.) This was a "you had to be there" moment, especially after the 4+ hours of late-night mt. dew gaming.
Van: "Vera, what's the first rule of engaging multi-headed, flesh-eating, hanging off ceiling creatures who are munching on our clients?"
Vera: "Vananadran Teraxes I was unaware of any such rules of said engagement. I have the entire Silver Cord Insurance Service employee handbook and operational manual commited to memory. It doesn't specifically mention anything about engagements with multi-headed, flesh-eating, hanging off ceiling creatures. Perhaps you mean the rules of engagements in cemetaries, tombs, and other holy grounds in section 2.1.1, entitled, rather originally, "Rules of Engagement." The section specifically states that a SCIS representative may only ..."
Van: "Thank you, Vera."
Van, a fighter, talking with his intelligent sword, Vera....
HAHAHA! Is this another Firefly fan, or just a bizarre coincidence? (For the uninitiated, there is a huge gun called "Vera" in the Firefly TV series)
Anyway, this was an OoC discussion after a character was killed by a door trapped with Phantasmal Killer. My brother (a different character) didn't know what had happened.
Me (DM): Two words, starting with 'P' and 'K'
Him: Player Kill?
DM: Okay, the marilith's really mad at you, so it decides to sunder your hammers. *rolls attacks, then rolls damage* Good-bye hammers.
Me:
DM: It looks at you, grins, and says, "And as a follow-up..." and lays into you with the rest of its attacks. *rolls a couple of crits and high damage all around* It then moves back 5 ft.
Me: That puts me at...
-9 hp.DM: The marilith slices off one of your arms and the top of your head. (to the party) You have a nice view of his grey matter.
Party:
Psion: See, that's why I prefer to kill things with my brain: so I don't get killed back.
Me: Shut up.
DM: It's your turn, by the way. You have Diehard, right? So you can still act.
Me: Okay. I have no backup weapons, I die next round, I can't close without being stabbed...you said te top of my head was sliced off?
DM:
Yes.Me: I have Quick Draw, so I throw my "grey matter" at the marilith.
DM:
Are you serious?!Me: I have nothing else and I'm going down anyway. Yes.
DM: Roll Fortitude to see if you survive long enough to actually throw it after tearing it out.
Me: 31 good enough? :D
DM:
Roll your attack.Me: 1.
DM: You miss horribly. *rolls* the brain goes right past the marilith and keeps going. Anybody else in the line of fire?
(all check the mat)
Psion: Me.
DM: Roll to see if you hit him.
Me: ...20.
All:
Me: ...20.
All:
Me: ...20.
All: :OMG!
(long silence)
Psion: ...You killed me.
Me: *nods* With my brain.
All: (Lasts about 1.5 seconds, then bursts into laughter)
Psion: I! HATE! YOU! SO! MUCH!
*snip*
Psion: See, that's why I prefer to kill things with my brain: so I don't get killed back.
*snip*
Psion: ...You killed me.
Me: *nods* With my brain.
All: (Lasts about 1.5 seconds, then bursts into laughter)
Psion: I! HATE! YOU! SO! MUCH!
Oh my God... So funny...Irony..killing....too...damn...funny......
*falls over laughing*
DM: There are way too many orcs to count in the room.
Me (Ragnarok): I cast Maximized Fireball. 60 damage.
DM: There are two orcs left. They yell, "Grummish! The human brings flaming apocalypse form his hands!"
Party: *Something along the lines of* I don't get it.
Me: *To party* If you knew my name, this would be so much more funny.
Party: *Something along the lines of* Hmm...
Me: I cast Olituke's Resilient Sphere on the nearest living being.
All you need now is a red dragon cohort named Nidhogg(sp?)..... :D
Necro: Go feed
Me: Why?
Necro: Go feed.
Me: But couldn't I eat one of your massive armies on dead.
Necro: NO!
Me: But...
Necro: GO FEED
Me: Does someone have a pencil?
In this party I was playing a TWF barbarian with two mauls, Diehard, and Quick Draw. The other party members were a psion (kineticist), a druid, a ninja/monk, and a spellthief. We were all at level 16 and fighting one of the BBEG's lieutenants, a marilith with a nasty set of weapons. I had dealt quite a bit of damage to it so far.
DM: Okay, the marilith's really mad at you, so it decides to sunder your hammers. *rolls attacks, then rolls damage* Good-bye hammers.
Me:
DM: It looks at you, grins, and says, "And as a follow-up..." and lays into you with the rest of its attacks. *rolls a couple of crits and high damage all around* It then moves back 5 ft.
Me: That puts me at...
DM: The marilith slices off one of your arms and the top of your head. (to the party) You have a nice view of his grey matter.
Party:
Psion: See, that's why I prefer to kill things with my brain: so I don't get killed back.
Me: Shut up.
DM: It's your turn, by the way. You have Diehard, right? So you can still act.
Me: Okay. I have no backup weapons, I die next round, I can't close without being stabbed...you said te top of my head was sliced off?
DM:
Me: I have Quick Draw, so I throw my "grey matter" at the marilith.
DM:
Me: I have nothing else and I'm going down anyway. Yes.
DM: Roll Fortitude to see if you survive long enough to actually throw it after tearing it out.
Me: 31 good enough? :D
DM:
Me: 1.
DM: You miss horribly. *rolls* the brain goes right past the marilith and keeps going. Anybody else in the line of fire?
(all check the mat)
Psion: Me.
DM: Roll to see if you hit him.
Me: ...20.
All:
Me: ...20.
All:
Me: ...20.
All: :OMG!
(long silence)
Psion: ...You killed me.
Me: *nods* With my brain.
All: (Lasts about 1.5 seconds, then bursts into laughter)
Psion: I! HATE! YOU! SO! MUCH!
:heehee
So, my warlock, Lukas, used to worship Velsharoon. And the party ends up fighting a Cleric of Velsharoon. So my warlock's turn comes up.
Me: Lukas moves up to where he can see the caster and fires an eldritch blast at him. *rolls dice* and hits for 8 damage.
DM: The Cleric is up next, so he redirects his Spiritual Weapon at Lukas *Rolls* and the staff of Velsharoon clubs Lukas with irony. And 5 points of damage.
Me: "Darling wants to leave, she thinks there's more in this sewer than doggies. She's scared."
Rogue/Fighter/Prince Guy: "Nonsense, there's nobody else here but us..."
Assasin: (Suddenly appears with a knife next to the ribs of said Prince) "Yep, just us."
Me: (OOC) See? Next time pay attention to the delusional necromancer!
Dragon: The town will fall by midnight tomorrow, If the book is not brought here
Human Fighter: I don't have to listen to you, why dont you go get yourself
Dragon: ZAP!
Human Fighter: ok I will get the book
Party Wizard (eyes a tall elven figure in flowing robes standing on the bank of the river and approaches): Excuse me, where can I find Myth Drannor?
Stranger: ??
PW: Well, I'm a scholar of The Arts and I've heard that the ancient city of Myth Drannor lies in this forest. Where is it?
S (confused): Oh, I see that you are a great scholar indeed. Can you demonstrate your enchantment powers on that elf there (elven expert working on a broken boat)?
PW: No problem (casts charm person, even though he knows that it's pretty hard to charm an elf. Elf makes the save, approaches him and clocks him in the face, resuming his labour).
S (supressing giggles): Excellent! Now you're in luck. I happen to have one of the three existing maps of Myth Drannor in my possession. I will gladly sell you one.
PW: Wonderful! How much does it cost?
S: How much do you have?
PW: 100 gp.
S: What incredible luck! That's exactly how much the map costs.
(Financial transaction takes place)
PW (to party): Look, guys! I just bought a map of Myth Drannor!
Party: (stares at him blankly)
So last sunday I had just run up some stairs to one of a pair of evil elf archers. (I'm a monk btw.)
DM: Elf 1 whips out his longsword and attacks Ski.
Me: What happened to his bow?
DM: He put it away.
Me: Putting a weapon away incurs an attack of opportunity.
[This starts a whole discussion between me, the DM, and our rogue (Don, also a long time player) on what incurs an AoP. I win. Later on I charge Elf 2 so I'm right next to him]
DM: Ok, Elf 2's attacking Ski now.
Me & Don: With what?
DM: His longsword.
Me & Don: What happened to his bow?
DM: He put it away.
Me & Don: Exaaactly.... I'm using my AoP.
It felt pretty good being the newb and showing up the DM
Me (Ragnarok): *Points* Look, it's Carthage!
Salazon (Ranger): *Looks* Where?
Avery (Fighter, I think): *Walks in on scene* What?
Salazon: Shadow Lotus thinks he saw a Carthage, but I can't see it.
Avery: Ooh! I've never seen a Carthage before!
Me: *Whispering to DM* Looks like they never studied Rome...Or they failed their Knowledge (Geography) check. *Chuckles darkly*
well, they were going through this dungeon built by the Cult of The Dragon, and as they neared a door, the ranger (on of their friends) overheard some people talking in one room, he tells the other guys, and the team starts preparing to break in...
Wizard: I cast Stinking Cloud (houseruled it that it exploded as a fireball in contact to fire)
DM: The voices in the new room stop talking, someone is moving near the door... *roll initiative... order: sorcerer 1, sorcerer 2, Ranger, wizard, guys inside the room
Sorcerer 1: Ready action for when the door opens to cast Fireball
Sorcerer 2: Ready action for when the door opens to cast Fireball
Ranger: ready action to shoot with manyshot the first thing that moves...
Wizard: Cast quickened Knock, then Fireball
DM:.......
...........
........... Okay, a loud rumble shakes the place as all the magic power is released at once... the walls tremble and the door is blown away by sheer force... as the smoke settles down, you see the room filled with debris of furniture, food blown to bits, coins melted and stuck to the walls and ceiling... 5 half-dragons are lying about the room, burnt almost to death, their leader (the one heading toward the door) is bouncing off the farthest wall...
Ranger: I shoot him 3 arrows with manyshot...
DM: Before he's dead before even hitting the ground...
Wizard: I enter the room, shaking everyones hand saying "hello, how are you? nice to meet you..." :D
Party: why??
Wizard: NO NEED TO BE RUDE!!! ;)
We all laugh a lot, then i remember....
DM: do you realice you still have Fire Shield active, right??
Wizard: Of course I do!! I wanted to give them a "warm greeting" :evillaugh
Everybody:
We had to stop for about 1 hour... couldn't stop thinking what the guards had seen or felt, thinking it from their point of view... just too damn evil....
Of course just after that he lost his LG (he had been asking for it a long time ago...)
On the same party, look at my sig... this time they were on a vampire lord's castle, looking for a girl that had been kidnapped suposedly by the vampire...
I'm a month-old newb, but I'm the type of guy who usually reads the manual first before playing a game so I've been trying to read as much about v3.5 d&d rules as possible. I'm kind of a busy person, but I have been able to get around to reading a lot of the stuff on combat, since that's pretty important.
So last sunday I had just run up some stairs to one of a pair of evil elf archers. (I'm a monk btw.)
DM: Elf 1 whips out his longsword and attacks Ski.
Me: What happened to his bow?
DM: He put it away.
Me: Putting a weapon away incurs an attack of opportunity.
[This starts a whole discussion between me, the DM, and our rogue (Don, also a long time player) on what incurs an AoP. I win. Later on I charge Elf 2 so I'm right next to him]
DM: Ok, Elf 2's attacking Ski now.
Me & Don: With what?
DM: His longsword.
Me & Don: What happened to his bow?
DM: He put it away.
Me & Don: Exaaactly.... I'm using my AoP.
It felt pretty good being the newb and showing up the DM
I don't feel like getting my PHB out right now...but I believe they could have just dropped their bows and not incur an attack of opportunity.
Me: *nearly in tears from laughing at the rolls that I've had so far* Okay, *snicker* my last attack on Mr Happy there. *Roll* ... *giggle*
DM: :surrender It's another natural 20 isn't it...
Me: *Siezes the D20 and holds it aloft ala the Holy Grail* I HAVE THE KNUCKLE OF KA-PUA-PUA! FEAR IT'S POWER!!'
(fun fact, I wasn't allowed to use that die for the rest of the session :P)
I don't feel like getting my PHB out right now...but I believe they could have just dropped their bows and not incur an attack of opportunity.
They COULD have done that, yes. But thats not putting them away (which strongly implies they still have them on them), thats dropping them (which definitely says they dont), and since he specified that they put them away I'd have to assume he meant the first and not the second.
*Hugs*
Varia
They COULD have done that, yes. But thats not putting them away (which strongly implies they still have them on them), thats dropping them (which definitely says they dont), and since he specified that they put them away I'd have to assume he meant the first and not the second.
*Hugs*
Varia
thats what happened. Maybe next time he will get the stats for that Bow in Races of the Wild that doubles as a club :P
We're trying to protect this prophecied child from an organization of blackguards, and we just found out we handed the child over to them (in character, out of character we all knew at the time). So we're doing this chase through the sky, using Scent and eye-witnesses to help us in our search.
So we see the two people who escaped with the child and I decide to ignore the obvious trap of a direct assault on her and just try to get away with the child.
DM: "The woman hands the child to her loyal minion and draws her sword."
*initiative is rolled*
Me: "I charge the minion and make a disarm attempt, catching the baby in the air!"
Other player: "But you have to have- right, you're a monk"
DM: *shakes head*
DM: "Attack roll" *I succeed easily*
Me: "Woo-hoo! Who's da master?"
DM: "The woman charge you" *Takes ~110 damage in a single attack and fails the save vs massive damage*
Me: [low voice]"Do I at least take the infant with me in my rapid decent towards the ground, impaling it on rocks?"[/low voice]
DM: "The minion grabs the child"
I was a chaotic good sorceror 8 dragon disciple 4 ghast 4, risen by someone else in the party, who was a chaotic evil necromancer type class(sorry, but i don't know for sure) who had just gotten the crown from the regalia of evil(not sure which bood)
Necro: Go feed
Me: Why?
Necro: Go feed.
Me: But couldn't I eat one of your massive armies on dead.
Necro: NO!
Me: But...
Necro: GO FEED
Me: Does someone have a pencil?
Oh, I can see the tension that may rise here. So I'm going to guess that you're a free-willed undead? Perhaps enslaved, but you've still your own personallity.
One question: what do you mean by, "Does someone have a pencil?"
Me: Why, that's a sporty frock coat, Dennis. And you must be the most obvious exit.
ALL OF US:
This came up several times later in the campaign. We went into a tavern and we saw another man named Dennis, and, of course, someone said:
Elven Paladin: *pointing at him* That's an obvious exit!
ALL OF US:
Similar situations insued.
One question: what do you mean by, "Does someone have a pencil?"
I'm guessing he means, "stabby."
I'm guessing he means, "stabby."
I'm guessing that he means that he's changing his alignment
I'm closing submission time at midnight on Sunday and I will make a decision as to whether I should continue with the idea or not.
If this book is something you, as a poster in this thread or as a reader of the thread, would like to see come to fruition,
PLEASE
write me with your entries ASAP. [email]redparrotgames@gmail.com[/email]
If there's someone here whose story you particularly enjoyed, PM them and ask them to submit it.
Heck, on my own, choosing the funniest lines that I've poster take up 30 pages. Look at how long this thread is and imagine the wonders we could produce.
http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=616934
Well, guess what folks, the lightning-magnet returns!
Level 10 party finds itself wandering close to a forest.
I'm using my Paladin/Pious Templar. Also in the party is a Cleric (in fact, the same Cleric as last time!) who joined because the party needs a walking med-kit.
We've also got a Ranger and Scout.
Now let the scene open... This is the third day of wandering in this forst, and the DM reads off the descriptions as we walk, including a description of an old, fallen maple tree. At this, the Cleric looks up, and begins shuffling through his gaming notes. Sure enough, we've been here before.
Cleric: "Damnation! We past that tree yesterday! We're going in circles!"
Ranger: "We are not going in circles!"
Cleric: "Then it's a bloody big oval!"
Scout: "I'd say more of a hexagon..."
Paladin: "Belt up the lot of you. This forest is simply... unfamilliar..."
Ranger: *snorts* "Oh, the Reiker suddenly knows how to navigate."
Scout: "Hey, less of that! We're all just tired, let's set up camp and I'll go hunt some rabbits for tea."
Paladin: "I would prefer to press on."
Cleric: "And to what end!? We're bloody lost! The Scout's lost, the Ranger's lost, how in the Seven Hells of Baator do you propose to outshine two professional foresters!?"
Paladin: "Alyx will guide us."
Cleric: "Oh, Alyx will guide us? Your great and noble Warrior King will magically show us the way!? Hey, I've got an idea, why doesn't your oh-so-brilliant King just open up the heavens and-"
DM cups his hands over his mouth and makes a "Proar! Kssssh!" sound.
Scout: "Was that a thunderstrike?"
Cleric: "-in his infinite wisdom, for he is blessed with wisdom beyond mortal men, guide his dutiful servants to their goal, to further his aims. Praise be to Alyx, and may his glory never end!"
Paladin: "...interesting conversion of faith..."
Ranger: "My thoughts exactly."
Cleric: *coughs* "I... just had a feeling... I think I got struck by lightning in a past life..."
Scout: "Well could you do us a favour and **** off the Reiker's god again, only the tinder's too damp to catch..."
They COULD have done that, yes. But thats not putting them away (which strongly implies they still have them on them), thats dropping them (which definitely says they dont), and since he specified that they put them away I'd have to assume he meant the first and not the second.
*Hugs*
Varia
Yup, he could have. Not that I was going to mention that to him
He'll find out the next time I'm trying to attack something and need to put my crossbow/whatever away, hehehe..."The last time somebody said that to me, I branded his BUTT with my Arcane Mark!"
Amusing, I had a similar situation. My Gnome, Garble Willowwits, in one of his incarnations was a Wizard wileding a Black Metal longsword. Anyway, the party was captured and their gear taken. They were rescued by a group of Dwarves, and set about getting their stuff back. THe dwarf captain wanted ewverything to happen in an orderly manner, and therefore wouldn't let us just grab our stuff. He sets about organizing it and such. Garble wasn't too happy about it, and kept insisting he get his sword back. After a while...
Garble: "I want my sword back, now!"
Captain: "The next time ye mention yer cursed' sword...I'm going to empty this here crossbow very accurately in yer direction! *turns back to loot pile*
Garble OOC: "I cast Arcane Mark on his butt!
Good times indeed...
Amusing, I had a similar situation. My Gnome, Garble Willowwits, in one of his incarnations was a Wizard wileding a Black Metal longsword.
Iiiicky...the mongoose alloy of silver and adamantine with the cost and drawbacks of neither?
NPC Gnome Slaver: I don't know what you're takling about
Changeling rogue: of course you do I was here yesterday
completely blowing the rogues cover
Another one
DM: you see a group of savage looking creatures (orcs) about 9 of them they don't see you.
Cleric: I shout a challenge to them and beat my shield with my mace
And the classic line
DM: you fall in a pit and see a roper
NPC Morris:Good you found him now hold him while I cut the little thief down
Droulius: Now hold on I dont like to see the weak and downtrodden sluatered
Sicarius: We have a lot in common, I wouldnt like to see myself cut dowm either
Party of five, including wizard (me) and cleric who can't use their magic because the area we were in was strongly against magic users not belonging to their leadership caste, infiltrating a slaver camp by pretending to be hired guards. We were supervising a slave work gang, and were being supervised by two guards who reported to the leadership caste. One of the slaves was badly hurt during an industrial accident.
Cleric, whispering to us: "I can heal her, but ..."
Wizard: "We need a distraction or we're screwed."
Monk, nodding immediately: "Right." (to DM) I start walking to the guards and ...
Wizard, as the Monk opens his mouth to say something to the guards: (to DM) I walk up behind the monk and shove him with both hands, "I can't BELIEVE you took my poncho, AGAIN!"
Monk, laughing: (to DM) I take the push and sprawl out on the ground, then roll over and stand up. "I didn't KNOW it was your poncho. It was raining!"
Wizard: "Look, if I you touch it again ..."
Monk: "Okay, I'm sorry. Really, I know it's yours."
DM: Okay, that's sufficient to distract the guards, they're watching you two fight.
Cleric: (to DM) Great, I cast a cure light wounds on the slave.
... Later that night, we've noticed a messenger bird arrive outside the guard headquarters, and none of the guards have noticed the bird yet.
Rogue: "We should check the message"
Party: We go over to the bird
Rogue: "I pick up the bird and try to take the message off its leg."
DM: Okay, as you pick up the bird it starts squawking a little. Spot checks ... (party rolls), and you notice two of the guards have turned towards you and started walking along the front of the headquarters in your direction.
Wizard: "Crap, we need a distraction."
Cleric: (to DM) Okay, I haul off and punch the Wizard as hard as I can. (rolls, 4 damage)
Wizard: (ooc) What in the ... I was going to talk to the guards!
Cleric: I've seen how your distractions work, and you're not hitting me first!
When we first got to the slaver camp, we'd managed to use a bit of discrete magic to help our rogues scout around. In the morning, I retired to a latrine for an hour to memorize spells. The next two days, even though I wasn't casting, I kept going to the latrine to not break the pattern.
Fourth day, after I finally emerge from the latrine, a passing guard asks "Jeez you spend so much time in there every morning, are you okay?"
Wizard, waving behind him with a wide grin: "Oh, I'm okay now."
DM: Okay, you notice the other guards use every other latrine but 'yours'.
We have been charged with the protection of an infant and after a near-TPK there's only me, our druid (very weak one) and the wizard left alive (and he is only alive after a true resurrection), our primary fighter (a samurai) decided to stay dead even after being offered true resurrection (we had found out that accusing him of a crime cost him class abilities. The wizard called him corrupt :D ).
Apparently the DM thought this was the correct time for an encounter with the big bad evil guys. We are faced with three enemies in a small room, one of which has killed me in one attack in an earlier encounter. Our wizard simply walks through a wall to get out but I am stuck as a wall of force blocks my way. Our druid kills one before me is killed and then the Big Bad Evil Girl proposes a bargain...
After the game :
DM: I really thought Need_A_Life would object to the bargain
Me: I did at first...
Wizards player: You offered us 1,25 million gold pieces, protection from the Creator and a chance to work for evil in a no-evil campaign.
Ah yes.
Background: This happened a while ago but my character was in a Scavenger hunt. (I mentioned this hunt if a pervious story somewhere on this thread) And one of the unique shop keepers (who makes me still laugh today) offered me a way to get the items I need quickly, but it would involve breaking the contest rules. I did it anyways and he gave me a pendent of invisibility during the night. I steal a horse from a blind carpenters house and ride off with it into the night. It takes me several hours of hard ridding until I get to a person who sells something (a pirate that the shopkeeper deals with from time to time). I buy stuff from him and ride hard back into town because I only have a few hours and I’m breaking the contest rules of not being allowed to be out of town from 10pm-8am. I arrive into town as it still is a little dark and the sun is rising. I tie the horse near a fountain and fall asleep behind the bar exhausted and smelling really bad. I place the pendent in the bag and put it next to me before I fall asleep (the bag still invisible) when two guards walk up to me.
Guard 1: *kicks me in the foot* Wake up.
Me: Uhhg... what is it?
Guard 1: Why is this stolen horse next to you?
Me: I don’t know. Is it stolen?
Guard 2: Yes.... Why are you sleeping behind the in?
Me: Uhhh....
DM: The Morning light hits where your bag is and it starts to slowly reappear.
Guard 1: Holy ****!!! What’s with your bag?
Me: Hush... (To Dm: Man I’m screwed, aren’t I?)
DM: Yup.
Guard 2: What’s with your bag!?
Me: Uhh... :lightbulb What bag? Sorry I’m really Drunk right now.
DM: The guards get a smell of you and see your blood shot eyes.
Guard 1: Where were you last night.
Me: With Ali Kalashem (the shopkeeper)
Guard 2: Can he vouch for you?
Me: Yes...
So we start walking to the Ali Kalashems store/house.
Guard 1: *Knocks on Door*
DM: You hear some stumbling inside.
Ali Kalashem: *slightly opens the door* Yes? What is it (in a haggard tone)?
Guard 2: Was this draconian with you last night?
Ali Kalashem: What draconian? Sorry we don’t sell those.
Guard 2: Of course you don’t, was he here last night?
Ali Kalashem: *opens door fully and squints at me* I've never seen this person in my life!
DM: You notice his robes are messed up; he has blood shot eyes, and smells strongly of alcohol. And the Guards back up from the strong Stench
Guard 1: Yah looks like both of you were drinking together! Guess you’re not affected as much as he. You’re free to go.
Me OOC: Yes! I got away by saying I'm Drunk!
Man this thread has got so many posts and people that have looked at it.
With good reason ;)
Dwarf: *walks up to the half Orc extremely drunk* Would you marry me hunny?
Half Orc: Heck no *punches the Dwarf, knocks him out cold*
*Rest of the party moves a few seats down*
Half Orc: What? *is PULLed out of the chair by the Dwarfs and is brought down to -8 HP in one round*
we were laughing so hard at the fact that our "Meat Shield" was just taken down by 5 un armed, non armored, Level 1 NPC Dwarfs in a single round and was beaten so badly he almost died and we had only been playing for about half an hour.
DM: The banshe wales, give me sum fort cheks
Me: I purpoesly fail mee lisen chec.
This one is self explanatory
DM: The banshee wails, give me some fort checks
Me: I purposely fail my listen check.Looks like you also failed your spelling check.
This one is self explanatory
DM: The banshee wails, give me some fort checks
Me: I purposely fail my listen check.
Looks like you also failed your spelling check.
hey, play nice now
Given that I was a low-level BARD, fighting against a fighter weilding a flaming greatsword, I was getting my ass kicked.
DM: You are reduced to exactly zero hitpoints. The warlord growls, "Yield!"
Me: "I'm not giving up until I'm bleeding to death on the floor!"
DMPC: "That can be arranged..."
(really I just found out that people played in my town)
Wherever the shadow holds sway be it a town of large, medium or small standing there will always be those who fight the darkness (or joins it), these heroic figures are known only as D&D Players.
Testing a vault they want to store their stuff in while adventuring:
Innkeeper: You can test the vault if you like. Try to pick the lock, you'll see that your things totally safe.
Glin: OK *Rolls high, doesn't make it* Impressive
Cuddles: My turn! *Hits it with a heavy flail* :D
Innkeeper:
You're paying for that In a local store, Daimon just hit Barsad with his staff:
Shopkeeper: Hey! No fighting in my store!
Daimon: It was a love tap!
Examining armour found in the store:
Cuddles: This is a lot like the armour my brother gave me! Y'know, that was stolen.
Glin:What do those runes around the collar say?
Cuddles: "To my brother"... What a coincidence!
No explination makes it funnier
Daimon: OOcI go outside and vomit in the enchanted coffee pot.
An adventurer's buletienn board:
Me: You see three ads. "CHEEP ALE!" (spelled like the bird noise) "Lady troll seeks attractive male companion" and "Mysterious dissapearance in the desert, requesting information on wherabouts of century-old sphynx."
Cuddles: Cool! Hey, there's ale cheep!
Glin mustering the group to go out on the sphinx's trail:
Glin: Ok crew, we've got a job!
Cuddles: Something about a lady troll, right?
Glin:
Kano: OOC Hey, I don't have any languages written down!
Daimon: OOC YOU FAIL D&D!!!!
This led us to decide that Kano would be a mute and mime everything, which led to a discussion of sign language, in which Cuddle's player reiterated an anecdote from his other game, in which he plays a mute paladin:
Paladin:OOC I use sign language to persuade the guard to let me past.
DM: Bluff roll
Paladin:*low*
DM:You accidentally mimed "Hello sailor" to the guard. You get a +5 bonus on your diplomacy roll.
Daimon was being stubborn and staying behind the group as they left to look for the sphinx. Glin wasn't about to stand for that.
Glin: OOC I drop back beside Daimon, refusing to let him out of the group
Daimon:OOCI keep dropping back
Glin:Come on Daimon, You know I won't let you off like that.
Me: Sense Motive
Daimon:*Low*
Me:You're convinced the Elf is flirting with you!
Party:
Daimon: (Note: girl player with male Character) :OMG!
Glin:OOC i flutter my eyelashes.
Daimon:OOCI run for the hills!
There was also a bit where Daimon made Cuddles sign a contract making him his slave and Barsad countered it with a contract that listed the penalty for evil deeds being death (Note Cuddles is a Barbed Devil). All Cuddles cared about was a sandwhich clause.
And Cuddles may be the only Baatezu Raz would ever think about trusting! Wow...that says alot about how cool Cuddles is...
AND MIMING PALADINS! INGENIOUS!
"ERROR. ERROR. BLUE_SCREEN_OF_DEATH"
EDIT- Head-sized cookie to whomever gets the obscure reference.
In my online game, the dying words of an Inevitable:
"ERROR. ERROR. BLUE_SCREEN_OF_DEATH"
EDIT- Head-sized cookie to whomever gets the obscure reference.
404 error: this system has performed an illegal operation and needs to be shut down. DOOM DOOM DOOM!!!
I love your group Ajehy! Your entire group is filled with creatures solidified in hilarity!
And Cuddles may be the only Baatezu Raz would ever think about trusting! Wow...that says alot about how cool Cuddles is...
AND MIMING PALADINS! INGENIOUS!
Woah, coming from you, that means a lot to me. For some reason, we spend more time with jokes and party infighting than getting anything done. I'll pass on your compliments to my players!PS. Cuddles is a special case. He's evil, but he's too stupid to do anything but carry out very simple instructions. He and Raz would either get along really well or one would end up skewered. It would all depend on Raz's opinions about sandwiches.
My groups had its moments too. but your Group sounds really good.Perhaps you should make a web comic about their adventures?
Fighter: Hey druid use the power of nature to help us!
Druid: I summon a gorilla and tell him to open the gate
30 mins of laughts and a a exploded gorilla
A bard with Perform: Tap Dance VS a fellcaller from Iron Kingdoms.
Perhaps you should make a web comic about their adventures?
Congradulations, Fend. You have, with those ten brilliant words, released the monster that is the ART MAJOR DM!
I got permission from all my players... now all we need is a name. Any suggestions? :D
Congradulations, Fend. You have, with those ten brilliant words, released the monster that is the ART MAJOR DM!
I got permission from all my players... now all we need is a name. Any suggestions? :D
The crazy adventures of Cuddles and friends.
Wow... No wonder why their games tend to be cool.
REMEMBER PLAYERS! BEWARE THE ART MAJOR DM'S!!!
:P
As for organizations, Glin is an Asassin of the Crescent Blade, while they're all in the Saemaran Bounty Hunters' Guild. As for OotS, I don't plan on infringing on Rich Berlew's copyright :P.
does your party have a name or belong to any organizations? or like knights of someone or something
Why not just "Knights of Someone or Something"?
In a proactive moment at the culmination of a campaign, the party had worked out an intricate plan for dealing with the BBEG once and for all that involved Fellbane being captured, and getting the evil forces undivided attention at a crucial moment. The original moment came and went, with Fellbane himself having no sign that the plan was going on. The villain brought him into his courtroom, a la Jabba the Hutt, and informed him that he was standing over a grate holding an incineration trap. With a wave of his hand, he could unleash it upward, and turn the almost naked and unarmed Fellbane into charcoal briquettes. He then propounded the following alternative -
"You don't have to feed the fire, you know. Gioa rather likes you, and I rather like her, and for her sake, I would be willing to spare you that fate. Indeed, if you will only promise to not fight me any further, I'll let her make of you what she will. Do you not see how she would cherish you? Not merely make you her concubine, but give you challenging and rewarding work, a free play of your remarkable abilities. There will be a few changes, but after a while you'll find that you can hardly tell the difference - except that you will be by the side of the lovely Gioa, loved by the loveliest of women. Will you not consider this the better alternative?"
Fellbane looked at the villains hand hovering over magical gem that would unleash the fire. He looked at the grate he was standing on (OOC, he asked how much damage he would take; the DM responded by showing him a handful of dice and saying, 'this is how much damage you'll take if you *make* the save.) He then looked long and hard at Gioa, who had made it clear that her icy heart would warm only for him.
Fellbane then looked the villain dead in the eye and said, "The fire."
------------------------------
At that moment, the cavalry popped out of the woodwork, Fellbanes Holy Avenger was pressed into his hands, and the plan worked like a charm. The villain went to BBEG heaven, to be replaced by Gioa as the main menace, but that whole campaign culminated in those two words.
The only problem I find with "Cuddles and Friends" is that is raises cuddles and his player above the others and I don't think my friends would appreciate that... but it was a good idea!
Ask the players to name thier group then use that as the name of the comic. Also please post a link to this thread when you start posting the comic so we can all see it
Me: I find my life to be a rather dull subject. I'd rather write about others.
Her: I like that...after I rule the world, you can tell everyone about it!
Me: Sounds like my ex-girlfriend.
The only problem I find with "Cuddles and Friends" is that is raises cuddles and his player above the others and I don't think my friends would appreciate that... but it was a good idea!
Knights of the *illegible scratchmarks* SAMMITCHES!
Swashbuckling campaign. Discovered the equivalent of hawaii. Figuring out what these big round seed-pods were growing on these strangely shaped trees. All the druid knew was "You put the liiiime in it."
The only problem I find with "Cuddles and Friends" is that is raises cuddles and his player above the others and I don't think my friends would appreciate that... but it was a good idea!
I wish I was good at coming up with NAMES and TITLES.
One of my regular 1 on 1 players was over and during a game he just stops paying attention and starts talking to my little brother. This is what happened:
Jake(Friend): *random conversation*
DM(Me): The Tarrasque steps on you...
Jake: *conversing then pauses and turns around to face me* Wuh?
DM: :D
Jake: Seriously?
DM: Maybe. You gonna pay more attention from now on?
Jake: I guess... But no Tarrasque stepping on me?
DM: Not yet anyways.
-Gene
Back to the Start
Misadventurers
Back end of Dragons
Misincantatrix
The Loremaster Files
Fellbane then looked the villain dead in the eye and said, "The fire."
Why can't MY players do that kind of great roleplaying!? No matter how much I
I can't get them to do it. Really cool scene though.Tungsten (me): obligary dwarf fighter
Krunk: Half-orc barbarian/cleric
Xavier: Human fighter
Reginald: Anthro raccoon cleric, currently an NPC played by the DM, since we rotate the DM-role.
Alden: Human rogue, whose player got kinda fed up with the game and left for the night, turning him into an npc. The player had already lost a few characters, for several reasons.
The five of us had invaded an evil keep, filled with undead, and after fighting a few dozen skeletons (we're level 5), manage to find some evil staff that was used to create all the undead.
Knowing from experience that these things explode with waves of evil when destroyed, and that this one was even bigger, we think of some way of destroying it remotely.
Eventually, Tungsten wraps it up in his winterblanket, carries it over to a trapped room with a crushing ceiling and tosses it in.
At this point, Reginald gets ready to shoot an arrow at a sword in the room, which be believe to be the trigger, while the rest run upstairs to the courtyard.
Tungsten: I run like hell, halting only when I reach the courtyard.
Xavier and Krunk: We follow him, catching our breaths at the big doors.
Reginald: I shoot the sword, and make my escape as the ceiling comes down.
DM: As Reginald reaches the others, you hear a low thumb from beneath the surface, and a chill flows trough your bones as the shockwave of the staff's destruction blossoms forth.
We seem to be safe, and for a few moments we pat each other on the backs, until Tungsten falls quiet, looks around him and asks:
"Wait, where's Alden?"
Later on, I took the role as DM, and the pc's are sneaking into a (abandoned) wizard's mansion, trying to locate several books.
They enter the servant's quarters, which had been abandoned even longer, to find wooden panels seperating several sleeping areas.
As they are exploring, two dire rat/red dragon hybrids attacked them (the wizard was kinda unhinged), who are constantly scuttling under the panels out of view, to the pc's annoyance. Esecially after two hits with cones of fire, they were getting ******.
So at one point Xavier decides to simply burst trough one of the panels, and succeeds the break DC by 10 (roll of 23 vs DC of 13)
DM: You burst trough the panel, shattering debris all over the cubicle, and revealing the large rat cowering on top of a bed.
Xavier: Boo! *slices it in two*
Somewhat later, the reach the wizard's study, and Xavier simply opens the door and steps in.
DM: The room is very dark, with only a few small windows letting in beams of moonlight. Suddently three large eyes turn towards you, staring without blinking.
Xavier: I turn around, hop outside and slam the door behind me!
Reginald: What's wrong? Why didn't you go inside?
Xavier: There's three things with big eyes in there, staring at me!
Reginald: Ok...
Off course, after the pc's discussed battle plans and wasted a bless spell, they stormed in only to find the eyes are plants, and completely harmless.
To add my own really quick:
One of my regular 1 on 1 players was over and during a game he just stops paying attention and starts talking to my little brother. This is what happened:
Jake(Friend): *random conversation*
DM(Me): The Tarrasque steps on you...
Jake: *conversing then pauses and turns around to face me* Wuh?
DM: :D
Jake: Seriously?
DM: Maybe. You gonna pay more attention from now on?
Jake: I guess... But no Tarrasque stepping on me?
DM: Not yet anyways.
-Gene
I had something simular happen. I think i was a player and people where talking, since I new the DM was one to get distracted I sayed in a distinctive voice to the player we where waiting on "Hey! You died"
that got his attention.
DM: Okay, you now have an axe that sparkles with wild magic.
The player: Behold the power of my SHINY THING!
Of course, when it causes the next object he hits to grow leaves.... And then another one to do something ELSE that could have been majorly um.. bad... He decides the Axe is not such a great thing after all....
DM: OK (Druid's name) you seee some trees in the distance and you notice that the trees are growing in a solid line, unnaturally, Valion (The Fighter, Aka Rev) you notice the same but cant tell that they are unnaturally spaced together, Alton(me) you look up and see a butterfly then notice something..odd..
Me: what is it?
DM: You see a flying black squirrel about the size of a Black Lab wearing a russian bearfur hat with a live hawk in its claws.
Me:
..oh..k...Valion! LooK! *points it out*Valion: I pull my bow out and put the hawk out of the misery
Dm: OK, the squirrel is now ******, your all the size of the hawk..have fun
Druid: You...
Sorceress: I make a Diplomacy check to c**k-block him.
*They roll*
Bard: 11.
Sorceress: 24.
Bard:
***
Mysterious Elf Paladin: Actually, there is something you can do for me...
Artificer: (ooc) Oh no, she's going to ask us to chop down the tree with a herring.
Bard: I could do that.
Artificer: Really?
Bard: Well, you'd have to help me out by enchanting it first.
Artificer: How much?
Bard: I'm thinking a +2 herring will do.
Artificer: But it would have to be a masterwork herring.
Sorceress: Where are we going to catch a fish like that?
Bard: Not in this forest I'll tell you that. This river is filthy.
Sorceress: Yeah, and look at all these old weapons and armor lying around. People are such slobs. Don't they know you can recycle used chainmail?
Artificer: Really? What do they make it into?
Sorceress: I'm thinking dishes and cutlery.
Bard: I would not eat off of someone's old armor.
DM: CAN WE CONTINUE?!
Druid leaves the room, and the monk sits by the entrance. The others are on the bridge. The ranger sets off a rolling rock trap, which the monk narrowly avoids, getting out of they way
Monk- ....huh
The rock now rolls down the hall, thre fighter dangling from the edge to escape, and trapping the bard and ranger in the next room blocking the door. The druid reappears and says "Ok, what dids I miss?"
Bard: I make a Diplomacy check to flirt with the elf.
Sorceress: I make a Diplomacy check to c**k-block him.
*They roll*
Bard: 11.
Sorceress: 24.
Bard:
***
Mysterious Elf Paladin: Actually, there is something you can do for me...
Artificer: (ooc) Oh no, she's going to ask us to chop down the tree with a herring.
Bard: I could do that.
Artificer: Really?
Bard: Well, you'd have to help me out by enchanting it first.
Artificer: How much?
Bard: I'm thinking a +2 herring will do.
Artificer: But it would have to be a masterwork herring.
Sorceress: Where are we going to catch a fish like that?
Bard: Not in this forest I'll tell you that. This river is filthy.
Sorceress: Yeah, and look at all these old weapons and armor lying around. People are such slobs. Don't they know you can recycle used chainmail?
Artificer: Really? What do they make it into?
Sorceress: I'm thinking dishes and cutlery.
Bard: I would not eat off of someone's old armor.
DM: CAN WE CONTINUE?!
This sounds so familiar...
Fighting in a tight battle against some tentacled horror from who knows where.
The persons involved in this bit.
Raz- Rogue-mage and citizen of Sigil, relatively new to the Prime, and has plenty of questions.
Bordic- The absolute dwarven cleric that should be a paragon of dwarvyness. We expect a hi-ho anytime now.
Raz is has been temporarily trapped upside down on the ceiling by some twisted stone-shape ability. While he tries to use Escape Artist check to get out, his brain keeps revolving around a problem that has been going on in his head for awhile.
Meanwhile, Bordic is the closest party member to Raz and is currently beating off tentacles with his mighty war hammer.
He never saw this one coming.
Raz: HEY! I think I finally figured it out where babies come from!
Bordic: NOT NOW RAZ!!!
-----later-----
Raz: So want to hear my theory?
Bordic:
Sure laddie, ye be a strange one, but your idea can't be dat bad.Raz: Okay, now after all that I keep hearing about, I've come to the conclusion that babies come from some Plane of Babies!
Bordic:
Raz: The portal key must be a man and a woman 'making love'. Though right now I have no soddin' clue what that means. And th-
Bordic: Laddie.... If all babies came from one place, how come they look like they're parents?
Raz: AH! That's what puzzled me until I figured it out! Babies start out as Shapeshifters until they meet their parents! Then they incubate in the mother until they're ready to survive in their new habitat!
Bordic: So...what your saying is...
Raz: Babies are shapeshifters from another world!
Bordic:
Raz:
Bordic: We need some hard dwarven ale....
Raz: The stuff that gets you knocked out in the first shot?
Bordic: Aye.
Raz: Babies are shapeshifters from another world!
Bordic:
Raz:
Bordic: We need some hard dwarven ale....
Raz: The stuff that gets you knocked out in the first shot?
Bordic: Aye.
.....
ROTFLMAO
I can barely phathom it
My thoughts however are completely made up in order to inflate my own oviously superior ego. I SHALL RULE THE WORLD! One of these days anyway.
Ahem...
Anyways, I'll be back later with other quotes from other characters who do not wonder at the creation of lil screaming children.
While talking to a player via ICQ.
Player: I told you - power is more important than money to him.
Me: RP actions speek louder then ICQ words.
In the middle of the night, they are attacked by a colossal spider.
Each party member wakes another, until it is just the wizard sleeping. He fails listen check after listen check, and remains unconcious.
Meanwhile, the party are getting hammered by this spider; two have been badly poisoned and one is unconcious through being mauled, and the rest of the party has been webbed.
The wizard makes what is likely to be his last listen check, rolls a natural 20.
He grunts, opens his eyes, and sees a colossal spider munching on his friends. He find's he's pretty firmly entangled in the disgusting spiders web. He yawns, and tries to cast a spell.
He passes his concentration check.
The spider becomes a 50ft high stone statue, complete with menacing raised-foreleg pose.
The wizard makes himself more comfortable and goes back to sleep.
Hmmm...turns the spider into a 50ft statue...there needs to be a punchline... how about.... "Sweet dreams!"
"Spiders do not a great decoration make"
"Who are you?" she asked.
Spontaniously the whole group responds: "Ghostbusters!"
We descent into the basement, leaving the woman wondering what that was all about and defeat a Large Owlbear skeleton. Then we enter a small room with 2 ettercaps.
"May I know your names?"
"Dress and Puke," the Ettercaps proudly answer (it was actually names in Dutch, these are the translations), "Who are you?"
"Ghostbusters!"
DM:
We: *as a group*
Really, really bad, I know... but I couldn't stop myself from sharing.
Dm: Okay, the hobgoblins are behind flipped tables, shooting at the party with short bows, and the cleric is a definitely in trouble. Dobe(kender's name) your turn, what you doing?
Dobe: I cast burning hands. Burning Hands. BURNING HANDS!
IRL, the fire alarm goes off.
DM: ... Where we a little to excited about that spell?
Ront is a stupid half-orc chain fighter, I play Ront.
Oh and I am sorry if I puts some of these in before.
------
Innkeeper: We have some bungalows available.
Ront: We need rooms not buffalos.
------
Druid: I can turn into a pony.
Me: You just want someone to ride you.
------
This happens often
Druid: We should kill them all...
Party:
Druid: I mean praise be Obad-Hai.
------
(To the druid trying to convert Ront)
Cleric: Stop trying to take my followers.
Ront: Ront not follower, Ront to high level, he would have to be Cohort. Beside you to low level to take Leadership feat.
------
Ront: Weather you're out fighting ogre, or just hanging out in bar where Levy under armor.
------
Cleric: I am going to use Augury.
Ront: Why you want to put holes in gound.
------
Druid: Oh great the nudist halfling is buying leather and a whip.
------
I had another quote, but it might be against the CoC, however I will say, it had to do with free basing and healing potions.
-Situation-
In a relatively new campaign my new character is a bad @#$$ close combat human ranger who hunts the undead. However, due to an accident some time ago his vocal cords were damaged to the point where the only 'normal' language he could speak adequately was Gnoll. And that he did with panache and perfect accent.
However, no one else in the group speaks Gnoll so the ranger normally stays quiet or writes stuff down. Yet the party barbarian has varying theories as to why the ranger does not speak common.
-1st time they met-
Barbarian: Hmmmm....so you can only bark?
Ranger: *nods*
Barbarian: I shall call you Feral Boy! :D
Ranger: Aruh?
-Buying equipment-
Barbarian: Hey Feral Boy!
Ranger: *Growls*
Barbarian: Do you have a collar?
Ranger:.......*points at the spiked collar on his neck*
Barbarian: Good! Then I just have to buy a leash!
-On a collosal sized boat covered with a small halfling community-
A bit of explanation is in order for this next bit. There is literally a halfling community on this boat. Now, upon this boat is also a certain ranger who appears to have a hobby different from ripping orcs throats out.
Barbarian: *approaches a group of old halfling women known as a 'Sewing Circle'* Hey, has anyone seen my crow-..... HEY FERAL BOY! What're you doing?
Ranger: *growls but then gets smacked in the nose with a quilt*
1old halfling lady: Pipe down young man and finish your embroidery!
Ranger: *quietly resumes embroidering*
Barbarian: HA! You know he's a feral boy right?
2nd old halfling lady: Oh hush you! He's a good sweet young man!
3rd: By the way sonny, when are you going to find yourself a nice girl?
4rth: I know a few tha-babbble babble babble
5th & 6th: Babble babble babble
Barbarian:...... :D Ahhhhh I get it now! You're such a big tough feral boy on the outside, but on the inside your a sweet lil boy! That's soooo cu-
Ranger: *holds up an embroidery of skull, crossbones, axes, spears, swords, and generally gothic overtoned motifes with gold thread on black silk*
Barbarian:...........FERAL BOY!
Characters:
Kniv: Female Whisper Gnome Rogue (Me)
Malharith (sp?): Female Elven Cleric of Odin
Dorran: Male Human Paladin (int of 4)
Bino: Male Wild Elf Sorcerer
NPCs: Noble Revolution leader planning to assassinate the king. (Forgot his name...)
9th level fighter (Noble's bodyguard... I'm bad with NPC names
)Situation: We snunk Kniv and the Noble into an inn for the night (so as not to be targeted by assassians... didn't work.) One of our party members was killed in the night.) Kniv sneaks out the window in the morning, to be met by six crossbows in the face. Taken prisoner. The party, meanwhile, has disguised the noble as the dead party member so as not to waste Invisibility spells. The party steps out the door to see... A big Knight really shiny armor, Kniv bound with a crossbow to her head, and... 20 warriors with crossbows drawn.
The Knight in the shiny armor orders the arrest of the fighter and noble. After much discussion, orders, and threats, the noble (still disguised,) says in his best orc voice: "Let's kill him!" (The fighter.)
Being betrayed and all, the fighter flips out, kills the noble (2 Crits.) and starts fighting the Knight. The party, feeling betrayed, helps in fighting the fighter. Surrounded by four strong warriors (Knight, Dorran, and two of the Knights men,) are wailing on the fighter, who's going strong. Kniv slips her bonds easily, steps forward, and attacks the fighter.
Critical hit. 3d6 sneak attack damage. Dagger of Venom=1d10 initial and secondary CON damage. He drops to the ground, defeated (but still concious.) As the Knight starts to read him his list of offences to which he is going to be tried, secondary CON damage kicks in. (8 points, to be exact.)
Dropping him to -31 hitpoints.
DM: He gasps in pain, and slumps to the ground, obviously dead. His skink has taken a greenish tint, and the blood trickling from his multitude of wounds has turned brown.
(A long silence.)
Kniv: (Steps next to the Knight) Well, that was a little overkill, don't you think?
(Another long silence.)
Knight: (Looking at the tiny, little girl who just owned this fighter almost twice her level.) How did you do that?
Edit: Just remembered this one.
Same characters, we've joined the Knight and have gone to the kings secret fortress of awesomeness. As we are about to meet the king, a jester appears out of nowhere. The jester procedes to make fun of the paladin's armor, hits on the Cleric, and turns to Kniv...
Jester: Well, you're awfuly tiny, aren't you? What's a little girl doing with a group of adventures? (Or similar)
Kniv: Well, looks like someone forgot to max out their Perform (Comedy) skill. :D
DM:
Slaaskus dives, aiming straight for Nerdanel.Weenog: WHOA! *hangs on tight!*
Nerdanel:
DM: *rolls attack, hits, decent damage* The
takes a taste of sweet juicy halfling flesh.Nerdanel: *bites back a scream at the pain*
Weenog:
NO!! :lightbulb You need clean up act! *hangs onto the bolas cord in his teeth, grabs the nice lavendar scented soap out of his backpack, and rubs it in the dragon's eyes to blind it*DM: ............I'm gonna need a roll for that.
Weenog: (OOC) What roll?
DM:
........I'll call it a........ Dex-denied touch roll. Yeah. Nerdanel: (OOC) .... Interesting move.
Weenog: (OOC) *rolls* 17
Tuk: (OOC) I think the bigger question is, why does Weenog have lavendar scented soap?
Weenog:
(OOC) Because I went to buy soap and the shopkeeper recommended that kind.DM: So yeah. Make me a touch attack vs. AC 10.
Weenog: (OOC) Er, +1... forgot Glim's Bless is still active. So 18 for the touch attack.
DM: Oh, you did.
I can't believe this. Slaaskus screams a lizardy scream of horror at the lavender-scented pain in his eyes, and loses control of his flight entirely.Nerdanel: (OOC)
Sweet! Weenog: Holy crap!
DM: "Lavender scented pain." Oy, gevalt.
Tuk: :fight!: (OOC) I'm guessing I can melee it now?
DM: ......Yes. Yes you can. It's only 5' up. And blind.
Nerdanel: (OOC)
If it's blind, can I sneak it without flanking?DM: ......Yes. :surrender
Nerdanel: :evillaugh
So we're travelling to steal some fruit from Hera's tree and we take a pit stop of a lovely little lamb covered island. My, isn't this nice we think as we all set down to rest.
Then the DM pulls out his, "I know your character is a bleeding heart card," and has me make a listen check.
DM: Lyris the Uncorruptable hears the pained cry of one of the lambs.
I go to find the lamb is caught up in wires, and near death. The party and I remove the lamb from the razor wire type stuff and I use heal spells on the lamb. While the party is bickering over eating the lamb or setting it free, we find ourselves in the company of a Cyclops. I hide the lamb under my cloak and cast Greater Invisibility and fly on my Pegasus into the sky.
We blast the Cyclops forever and our grappler and charger are doing damage, and trying to sunder his gigantic weapon while avoiding attacks. After grappling with the Cyclops forever, Remes punches the Cyclops in the eye, and the Cyclops starts crying.
Cyclops: Who are you guys?
Remes: We are the ones chosen by the gods **long pause** to whoop Cyclops' a**.
In another campaign, we found a mysterious pedestal in a shrine:
PC: I put my sword on the pedestal.
DM: It disintigrates.
PC: I sit on the pedestal.
DM: You disintigrate.
Upon hearing about the new Dragon Shaman class:
Me (obsessed with dragons): So they gain power by loving dragons?
DM: yup.
Me: They say "Dragons are awesome!" and they gain power?
DM: Apparently.
Me: Why hasn't it happened to me yet?
Continuing with the Dragon Shaman:
Me: Here's an idea for roleplaying one. A simplistic love for dragons. And I mean love in all possible ways.
EXAMPLE:
A brass dragon has the party in her lair, demanding help against a blue dragon.
Dragon Shaman (doing an impression of Joey): How you doing?
Brass Dragon:
Later, to the blue dragon:
Dragon Shaman: How you doing?
Blue Dragon:
:OMG! Also, the DM is working on a homebrew (a lot like Urban Arcana but using D&D classes, not D20 Modern).
1st player: Cool! My wizard can use a palm pilot instead of a spellbook!
2nd: And we can have cell phones!
3rd: So?
2nd: Your cell phone rings. You hear a booming voice ask if your refrigerator is running. You respond yes, and it advises that you catch it. He hangs up. From up in the clouds you hear the same voice chuckling, saying it now understands why people do that.
3rd (often plays the cleric): So God just prank phone called me?
2nd: Yup.
3rd: I'm putting him on speed dial. I'll call him rather than pray for spells.
Which of course leads to a discussion of early morning calls and waking him up. Or God's answering machine.
And the converting of all real-world deities into D&D style (complete with their domains).
Good times.
3rd: I'm putting him on speed dial. I'll call him rather than pray for spells.
Which of course leads to a discussion of early morning calls and waking him up. Or God's answering machine.
Good times.
http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=7
http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=40
http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=7
http://www.giantitp.com/cgi-bin/GiantITP/ootscript?SK=40
ah yes, ThorPrayer... good times, good times.
Then, last night, the players (only 3rd level) learned that they had to sneak into Dreadhold (if they're spotted, they're dead, so it's high-stakes, and they'll be planning for the next two weeks, they love planning) to talk to a lich. They need to find a lock of Vol's hair, and only she knows where it is, and they thought: what incentive does she have to tell us? Can we torture her since she's chained to a wall? We have no moral compunctions about torturing a lich. I explained that she won't feel much pain, being undead. Then one asked, in all seriousness, "what about Dra-no?"
i decided never to let my (new- in a different campaign) bard to anything like that EVER again.
ROGUE: (checks for the trap...fails) I don't know where it's coming from.
ROGUE: (rolss Disable Device...fails) I still can't find it.
BARD: Let me help. (rolls Detect Magic) I don't see it either.
PALADIN: Maybe we can make a shield that will block the rays from all sides as we walk past
(attempts to make shield out of materials from previous room...fails)
ROGUE: Maybe I can attach my rope to a beam in the ceiling and we can all swing from it. (rolls...fails)
ROGUE: Okaaay... Now seems like a good time to use my scrolls of spider climb. (she fails casting it on everyone except for the BARD)
PALADIN: I know! The ROGUE can use her boots of spider climb to get over, the BARD will follow since the spell worked on her. Then, the BARD can transport the boots back and forth until we're all over.
REST OF PARTY: Yeah!!!
Once everyone is over except for the PALADIN'S MENTOR...
PALADIN'S MENTOR: (looks at party, looks down at step, skips step, is completely fine, looks up) Okay, lets go.
After (yet again) narrowly escaping the animate gargoyles in the bell tower (which was full of smoke), Cora the ROGUE runs to find her friends. She finds Erin, the DRUID
CORA: (gasping for air) Bell tower... (gasp, gasp)...smoke...(gasp)...gargoyles...on top...
ERIN: (Indifferently) What?! Smokers in the bell tower???
CORA: (rolls eyes) Oh, you're no help!
She leaves for the temple of Pelor where she finds Arista the PALADIN sparring with her mentor.
CORA: Arista...(gasp)...help...(gasp)...gar-
ARISTA: Cora, you're going to have to slow down. I can't understand you.
CORA: (composes herself) There are gargoyles in the bell tower, but they're alive, and they tried to kill me, and I barely escaped!!!
ARISTA: (pauses) ...What?! Smokers in the bell tower??
CORA: (with slits for eyes) grrrrrr....
Monk Charging an Old Male White Dragon from behind. Trying to find a way to distract it from Chewing on the partys Reaping mauler he turns to me and Screams "THE WHOLE FIST!" ...
While having some RNR in a town one of the party members is dragged away by Gnomish Courtisans. The next day the cleric was jokeing about what might happen if you were to Cast enlarge during the act...
This coined the Phrase " STRENGTH CHECK TO BREAK ENCLOSURE! "
... ahh... good times ^__^
*Throg orders a meal for 1sp. Gives the waitress a gold without realizing it. Gets his meal, enjoys it. Getting up from the table, he heads towards the door.. but runs into the party. Talk about silver comes up, throg digs into his pouch and pulls out a gold peice.*
"One of these?"
"No, that would be a gold peice.. 10 silver is worth one of those."
*Blank stare towards the other fighter. Wheels slowly starts to turn in his head... it hurts but it finally comes to him. Turning towards the bar, he stomps up and slams his fist down on the bartop.*
"I DEMAND 9 MORE MEALS!"
A second line came up later.
Brief set up, we went to save a girl from an evil guy, evil guy resurected an old evil god of some sort.. hell, we're level 1, we don't know what the hell is going on really. We're on the etherial plane (Also known as an Adün-plane since our wizard apparently discovered it first hehe. We went through an Adün-hole later to get back, but that's not the story), fighting mirrors in trying to stop him from getting resurected. Well... we don't stop him (Main plot anyone?) and he's leaving the room... Wizard goes
"I'll attack her(Old evil guy was placed in a 16yr old virgin's body...) as she leave."
Fighter "Please don't magic missle the god."
Drow- alright..Drunk..knock them out *hands Drunken Master a pillow*
Knight- Your kidding
DM-
Me- wait..*drinks a bottle of wine, gets +2 to strength then rolls attack rolls*(OOC) non leathal damage)
DM- Critical..Roll damage
Me-
21..times 2..42 damageGnome- (OOC) with a pillow?
Dm- (OOC) wow..
(not OOC) ok you bash the cultist head in with a pillow knocking him out, the other cultist faints from surprise of seeing his friend being rendered into a coma like state from a pillowMe-
...wait..wait wait...*grabs a chain from the Gnome and ties the two sets of manicles together* Knight- Dear god..
Me- *drinks 2 more bottles, +4 to strength, total +6, Int and wis -6*..I have a set of Nunchucks of Cultistness!!! *grabs one cultist by the legs and begins swinging him around in the air with the other cultist attached by a chain between the manicles*
DM- (OOC)
no no no..he cant do thatMe- (OOC) Improved improvised weapon :bounce:
Later through the tower I still had my weapons but was so slipping between total plasteredness and the int of a half orc..we come across the wizard who is stunned for a round to see his minions being used like nunchucks and the worst part...they broke when I criticaled and cracked one cultist's back on the wizards head.
Moral of the story..the words Improvised weapon...should be taken to heart whenever possible *is wearing the wizard's hat*
we started a new campaign (everyone was level 10+1d3) and its a slightly evilish party, a Drow Rouge, a gnome..something(he had 12 guns and this huge robot friend), a knight that could roll a 2 and hit anything with an ac below 26, and me.. the Monk/Drunken Fighter, we were traveling through a tower to get to this wizard. We had just run into a few cultist of "The Great Worm(not Wurm, Worm) God", one had killed his friend for talking to much so we had 2 manacled cultist and but not enough for both their arms and legs
Drow- alright..Drunk..knock them out *hands Drunken Master a pillow*
Knight- Your kidding
DM-
Me- wait..*drinks a bottle of wine, gets +2 to strength then rolls attack rolls*(OOC) non leathal damage)
DM- Critical..Roll damage
Me-
Gnome- (OOC) with a pillow?
Dm- (OOC) wow..
Me-
Knight- Dear god..
Me- *drinks 2 more bottles, +4 to strength, total +6, Int and wis -6*..I have a set of Nunchucks of Cultistness!!! *grabs one cultist by the legs and begins swinging him around in the air with the other cultist attached by a chain between the manicles*
DM- (OOC)
Me- (OOC) Improved improvised weapon :bounce:
Later through the tower I still had my weapons but was so slipping between total plasteredness and the int of a half orc..we come across the wizard who is stunned for a round to see his minions being used like nunchucks and the worst part...they broke when I criticaled and cracked one cultist's back on the wizards head.
Moral of the story..the words Improvised weapon...should be taken to heart whenever possible *is wearing the wizard's hat*
Quick, have him chain two swords together!
Background, players finally make it to a city and are ready for some rnr. Its the party clerics birthday and he has just stuffed himself full of cake and retired to his balconied room on the second floor. meanwhile downstairs the fighter and barbarian see a sick looking dude at the bar and go up to him.
Me: "the pale man jitters and holds his glass at his lips stareing horrified into the air infront of him"
Fighter: "you ok man?"
Me: "His eyes do not move, however he gives of a horrified whimper and attempts to drink but cant seem to swallow"
Fighter / Barb : OOC Agree he must be pretty drunk/messed up inside.
Me: "He now looks like hes about to DryWretch. he Drops his Glass and nearly falls of his stool"
Barb: "woooah there bub. your coming outside"
Me: "you Bring the guy outside to the cobbled street outside. it is dark. he falls to his hands and knee's in the gutter and Begins to Moan/Cry and Wretch violently"
Players: (ooc) eww...
Fighter: I Pat him on the back
Me: You Hear all his Ribs break in one Loud Snap
Players:
Wtf? Serious??? Me: His Neck and Shoulder then Swell and Burst the Flesh before Ripping Free in a Gorey Mass of Organs and Fleshy Bits
Players: Eewww
(ooc) you being serious?"The Mass": "Squee?"
Players: AHhh! Stab it!
:P during the combat the Cleric came out to the balcony, saw what was going on and threw up his Birthday cake :P
Me- Does any candy fly out?!
Dm- no..but if there was..only a mind flayer would want it..
A wizard cast polymorph other into sheep
B beholder fails saving throw and begin to fall from the sky
C beholder dies.
One of the many things our group did over the past years.Background, players finally make it to a city and are ready for some rnr. Its the party clerics birthday and he has just stuffed himself full of cake and retired to his balconied room on the second floor. meanwhile downstairs the fighter and barbarian see a sick looking dude at the bar and go up to him.
So was it a tsochari or a necrotic cyst?
I just joined into the game as a Blood Carver (yay for obscure races!), and was supposed to be searching for someone, as I noticed lax security...first person I see is one of the other PCs...
Me: What are you doing here?
PC: Uh...
Me: (Draws pistols) I said, what are you doing here?
(Eventually a PC my character recognized showed up, and I lower my pistols)
PC: Don't worry, you'll get to use those soon, just not on me.
Me: We'll see.
So was it a tsochari or a necrotic cyst?
It was a Necrotic Cyst
but the cleric who seeded it was in the tavern at the time in the attic with Necrotic Awarness and used necrotic Domination to use the priest to obtain some documents for her - then Necrotic Burst to distract the players out in the street while her Party Escaped down a back alley. and it was a skulking cyst that emerged.
DM: As you walk into the large cave, you notice a dragon coming towards you.
ME: How big is the ceiling in the cave?
DM: Very large cave, I'd say about 60' or so.
ME: I transform into my hybrid form and fly up near the top.
DM: Ok, well as you do that the dragon flys up and meets you face to face *rolls to hit*
DM: Oh crap *rolls again* ok I just rolled two one's
ME and the group: Maybe he missed so badly he himself?
DM: Highly unlikely, but if I will roll to see *proceeds to roll 3 20's*
DM: Well the dragon attempts to hit you with his tail and proceeds to smash his own head and falls to the floor unconcious.
ME: Thats what you get for messing with me *proceeds to stand on its head and poses*
-----
How to make a DM cry: We were riding (on warhorses and dire war-weasles) near a forest, heading to Torjas (our home city)...
DM: You see in front of you a large panther like creature with six legs and two tentacles sprouting from its shoulders. Everyone rolls initiative and it goes Gish, Me, Cleric, Displacer Beast.
Gish: Successfully casts True Strike and equips his heavy lance.
Me: Equip my bow and back away.
Cleric: Casts bless and moves up a bit.
DM: "The Displacer Beast moves up towards the cleric and somehow misses its attack."
Gish: "I charge the Displacer Beast with my lance."
DM: Rolls, "What, stupid dice! The Displacer Beast takes the attack of opportunity and misses." Goes on to change his d20s and asks the Gish to roll his attack.
Gish: Rolls a natural 20, rolls again and confirms the critical hit. Rolls for some ungodly damage (x3 from critical, x2 from charge) and gets something like 62.
Cleric and Myself:
:OMG! DM: "The Displacer Beast collapses, it didn't even get to score a hit!"
Gish:
-----
Famous last words: After saving the town from a crazy cult, destroying a stable portal leading to one of the Nine Hells and its guardians, and receiving a miracle from Pelor which revived our fallen cleric and bestowed to her sacred armour, we were discussing our options. Martial law had also been declared and no one was allowed to wander or leave the town. My character was opting for leaving the town and getting some backup while the other 2 wanted to continue and solve the mystery as to why the Mayor of the town was acting so strangely. Well we went on to argue and in the end decided to stick around, despite my various protests. Que the famous line:
Me: "Ash, Celes, IF I GET MY BRAIN SUCKED OUT BY SOME DEMON, I'M BLAIMING YOU!"
DM: Looks a bit surprised, as if a secrets been let out but says nothing.
Later on, the Gish becomes a scratching post for a Hellcat and dies. The Cleric and I try to go looking for him and the Cleric dies along with some NPCs. I was knocked out and...
DM, With an evil look: "You wake up in what appears to be a holding cell, you see a dead body beside you. Your hands and feet are tied. The Ogre Mage notices you up and comes towards the cell door."
Ogre Mage: "Oh, you're awake. Wait right there, I'll be back." Moves away from the cell and disappears.
Me: I tell the DM that I say nothing and I try to free myself from the ropes that are binding me. My attempts where unsuccessful.
DM: A few rounds go by. "The Ogre Mage returns with another figure." Describes the Mindflayer. "The creature opens the cell door and latches onto your head with all four of its tentacles.
Me: "I say nothing, I don't want them to have the satisfaction of a scream."
DM:
"There's a crunching sound and the creature SUCKS OUT YOUR BRAIN, you're dead."Me: Turning to the other two players, "see I told you didn't I!"
I must say it was a pretty cool way to die... no one ever takes the Halfling seriously... sigh.
Thats all from me for now...
X-Plosion:
Show
Unit 38-X came into existence with the 38th batch of 24 warforged created by various artificers, providing raw power to fuel an unjust war.
X had a great deal of problems with the martial training all the warforged received.
Frankly, he sucked.
X could never get the timing down right and always managed to be disarmed, pinned, or in a few cases, limbs severed in attempts to parry.
It was during one of these down-times when X was getting his arm reattached that his creator, the gnomish artificer, Denn, suggested that being a foot solider might not be a good idea. X agreed. Whenever he practiced, the squishy soldiers would make funny noises (which, he found out later, was something called 'laughter'), and X had enough problems trying to relate to the squishes.
Denn decided to see if X had any divine talents.
He didn't.
Denn gave up when he failed for the 4th time to try to explain what the gods were to him.
"Now X, the gods are the beings responsible for bringing life into the world."
"Master is a god?"
"No, X, I'm not."
"But you made X."
"Well, yes....."
"And X is alive?"
"Yes......"
"Then how are you not a god?"
"*sigh* The gods are all powerful, X, some even empower people to kill others."
"Like the army we're fighting?"
"Go to sleep, X"
"Sle......Ep? What's that?"
Time passes and Denn, against his better judgement, decides to see if X has any magical talent.
And he did, sort of.
X had very good verbal control, but had great problems learning the difficult somatic components of a spell. Knowing this would mean certain death at the front lines, Denn decided to stick X in his lab to continue on his projects while he was out in the field.
When Denn returned, his 3 months work of tinkering had been completed, and a few of them, even improved outside of his original specifications.
So X took up the mantle of artificer and became the warforged medic (for all intensive purposes), and in his spare time, learned how to use magic to imbue things with powers.
X soon found his skills growing quickly, and he decided to try making a new item, a wand of fireball.
X was so sure of his skills; he even gathered some of the other warforged to witness its maiden trial.
X emerged from the lab triumphant, carrying a small length of wood with arcane runes.
He took his place before the combat dummy, and to the awe of the crowd activated the wand.
X had about .03 seconds to ponder the idea that maybe trying to squeeze Exploding Runes into a Wand of Fireball wasn’t a good idea.
Everything in 1000 ft was toasty(Denn had to cast no less then 3 cold spells to stop the drinking water barrels from boiling); X spent the next 2 weeks making all the repairs, however, to everyone else at the camp, he became X-Plosion.
It was around this time that the war reached its zenith and the camp was swarming with activity.
Denn, wisely deciding that X might do more harm then good, asked the war forged to continue working on his current projects and prepare for the influx of injured warforged.
So X locked himself in Denn lab under the base of the supply tower.
3 days past and X was finished almost all of Denn’s work, and he was a bit confused by his masters continuing abstance, so he decided to get a drink of water (he had noticed that the squishys use this excuse to be somewhere else).
He climbs the small ladder to the trap door in the ceiling, and gave a gentle push.
It didn’t budge(X made a mental note to oil the hinges on his return).
He pushed a bit harder, still nothing.
He crouched slightly, and with a silent desire that the ladder not collapse under him, drove his shoulder into the door.
The door splintered from the impact and burst from the hole, flying out of X’s sight.
Upon exiting the lab, X gets a sense on why his master hasn’t returned. There isn’t a single thing standing within no less then a half mile around him.
All the buildings are in complete ruins and after a search, no survivors can be found.
X decides to journey to look for his master, in hoping that Denn still lives.
Quick Facts:
- X tends to be quite energetic when it comes to new things(He’s still quite sheltered).
- X loves to talk about squishy behaviour at length, to anyone that will listen, and questions them non-stop about it(Sleeping seems to be the big one he can’t understand.)
- STILL calls all non-constructs squishy’s, with the sole exception being his master.
- Keeps a small journal in which he constantly writes about his findings about squishy’s; becomes violent if taken away. Is usually correct in his observations, but for the wrong reasons.
- Is quite afraid of women, but refuses to talk about why.
Unit 38-X came into existence with the 38th batch of 24 warforged created by various artificers, providing raw power to fuel an unjust war.
X had a great deal of problems with the martial training all the warforged received.
Frankly, he sucked.
X could never get the timing down right and always managed to be disarmed, pinned, or in a few cases, limbs severed in attempts to parry.
It was during one of these down-times when X was getting his arm reattached that his creator, the gnomish artificer, Denn, suggested that being a foot solider might not be a good idea. X agreed. Whenever he practiced, the squishy soldiers would make funny noises (which, he found out later, was something called 'laughter'), and X had enough problems trying to relate to the squishes.
Denn decided to see if X had any divine talents.
He didn't.
Denn gave up when he failed for the 4th time to try to explain what the gods were to him.
"Now X, the gods are the beings responsible for bringing life into the world."
"Master is a god?"
"No, X, I'm not."
"But you made X."
"Well, yes....."
"And X is alive?"
"Yes......"
"Then how are you not a god?"
"*sigh* The gods are all powerful, X, some even empower people to kill others."
"Like the army we're fighting?"
"Go to sleep, X"
"Sle......Ep? What's that?"
Time passes and Denn, against his better judgement, decides to see if X has any magical talent.
And he did, sort of.
X had very good verbal control, but had great problems learning the difficult somatic components of a spell. Knowing this would mean certain death at the front lines, Denn decided to stick X in his lab to continue on his projects while he was out in the field.
When Denn returned, his 3 months work of tinkering had been completed, and a few of them, even improved outside of his original specifications.
So X took up the mantle of artificer and became the warforged medic (for all intensive purposes), and in his spare time, learned how to use magic to imbue things with powers.
X soon found his skills growing quickly, and he decided to try making a new item, a wand of fireball.
X was so sure of his skills; he even gathered some of the other warforged to witness its maiden trial.
X emerged from the lab triumphant, carrying a small length of wood with arcane runes.
He took his place before the combat dummy, and to the awe of the crowd activated the wand.
X had about .03 seconds to ponder the idea that maybe trying to squeeze Exploding Runes into a Wand of Fireball wasn’t a good idea.
Everything in 1000 ft was toasty(Denn had to cast no less then 3 cold spells to stop the drinking water barrels from boiling); X spent the next 2 weeks making all the repairs, however, to everyone else at the camp, he became X-Plosion.
It was around this time that the war reached its zenith and the camp was swarming with activity.
Denn, wisely deciding that X might do more harm then good, asked the war forged to continue working on his current projects and prepare for the influx of injured warforged.
So X locked himself in Denn lab under the base of the supply tower.
3 days past and X was finished almost all of Denn’s work, and he was a bit confused by his masters continuing abstance, so he decided to get a drink of water (he had noticed that the squishys use this excuse to be somewhere else).
He climbs the small ladder to the trap door in the ceiling, and gave a gentle push.
It didn’t budge(X made a mental note to oil the hinges on his return).
He pushed a bit harder, still nothing.
He crouched slightly, and with a silent desire that the ladder not collapse under him, drove his shoulder into the door.
The door splintered from the impact and burst from the hole, flying out of X’s sight.
Upon exiting the lab, X gets a sense on why his master hasn’t returned. There isn’t a single thing standing within no less then a half mile around him.
All the buildings are in complete ruins and after a search, no survivors can be found.
X decides to journey to look for his master, in hoping that Denn still lives.
Quick Facts:
- X tends to be quite energetic when it comes to new things(He’s still quite sheltered).
- X loves to talk about squishy behaviour at length, to anyone that will listen, and questions them non-stop about it(Sleeping seems to be the big one he can’t understand.)
- STILL calls all non-constructs squishy’s, with the sole exception being his master.
- Keeps a small journal in which he constantly writes about his findings about squishy’s; becomes violent if taken away. Is usually correct in his observations, but for the wrong reasons.
- Is quite afraid of women, but refuses to talk about why.
Had a few people request I put this character background here:
X-Plosion:Show
Unit 38-X came into existence with the 38th batch of 24 warforged created by various artificers, providing raw power to fuel an unjust war.
X had a great deal of problems with the martial training all the warforged received.
Frankly, he sucked.
X could never get the timing down right and always managed to be disarmed, pinned, or in a few cases, limbs severed in attempts to parry.
It was during one of these down-times when X was getting his arm reattached that his creator, the gnomish artificer, Denn, suggested that being a foot solider might not be a good idea. X agreed. Whenever he practiced, the squishy soldiers would make funny noises (which, he found out later, was something called 'laughter'), and X had enough problems trying to relate to the squishes.
Denn decided to see if X had any divine talents.
He didn't.
Denn gave up when he failed for the 4th time to try to explain what the gods were to him.
"Now X, the gods are the beings responsible for bringing life into the world."
"Master is a god?"
"No, X, I'm not."
"But you made X."
"Well, yes....."
"And X is alive?"
"Yes......"
"Then how are you not a god?"
"*sigh* The gods are all powerful, X, some even empower people to kill others."
"Like the army we're fighting?"
"Go to sleep, X"
"Sle......Ep? What's that?"
Time passes and Denn, against his better judgement, decides to see if X has any magical talent.
And he did, sort of.
X had very good verbal control, but had great problems learning the difficult somatic components of a spell. Knowing this would mean certain death at the front lines, Denn decided to stick X in his lab to continue on his projects while he was out in the field.
When Denn returned, his 3 months work of tinkering had been completed, and a few of them, even improved outside of his original specifications.
So X took up the mantle of artificer and became the warforged medic (for all intensive purposes), and in his spare time, learned how to use magic to imbue things with powers.
X soon found his skills growing quickly, and he decided to try making a new item, a wand of fireball.
X was so sure of his skills; he even gathered some of the other warforged to witness its maiden trial.
X emerged from the lab triumphant, carrying a small length of wood with arcane runes.
He took his place before the combat dummy, and to the awe of the crowd activated the wand.
X had about .03 seconds to ponder the idea that maybe trying to squeeze Exploding Runes into a Wand of Fireball wasn’t a good idea.
Everything in 1000 ft was toasty(Denn had to cast no less then 3 cold spells to stop the drinking water barrels from boiling); X spent the next 2 weeks making all the repairs, however, to everyone else at the camp, he became X-Plosion.
It was around this time that the war reached its zenith and the camp was swarming with activity.
Denn, wisely deciding that X might do more harm then good, asked the war forged to continue working on his current projects and prepare for the influx of injured warforged.
So X locked himself in Denn lab under the base of the supply tower.
3 days past and X was finished almost all of Denn’s work, and he was a bit confused by his masters continuing abstance, so he decided to get a drink of water (he had noticed that the squishys use this excuse to be somewhere else).
He climbs the small ladder to the trap door in the ceiling, and gave a gentle push.
It didn’t budge(X made a mental note to oil the hinges on his return).
He pushed a bit harder, still nothing.
He crouched slightly, and with a silent desire that the ladder not collapse under him, drove his shoulder into the door.
The door splintered from the impact and burst from the hole, flying out of X’s sight.
Upon exiting the lab, X gets a sense on why his master hasn’t returned. There isn’t a single thing standing within no less then a half mile around him.
All the buildings are in complete ruins and after a search, no survivors can be found.
X decides to journey to look for his master, in hoping that Denn still lives.
Quick Facts:
- X tends to be quite energetic when it comes to new things(He’s still quite sheltered).
- X loves to talk about squishy behaviour at length, to anyone that will listen, and questions them non-stop about it(Sleeping seems to be the big one he can’t understand.)
- STILL calls all non-constructs squishy’s, with the sole exception being his master.
- Keeps a small journal in which he constantly writes about his findings about squishy’s; becomes violent if taken away. Is usually correct in his observations, but for the wrong reasons.
- Is quite afraid of women, but refuses to talk about why.
He will often try to coax his Warmage master into going on quests to kill big demons bymentioning the rewards. This exchange occured just after they defeated a juvenile red dragon...whose father is a famously powerful great wyrm.
Atma: I say we take down Fearflame!He is my antithesis and must be destroyed! Besides, his hoard must be incredible! Surely you would like to gain some more gold and magic items?
Ittyk: Er, I don't know, aren't ancient red dragons a little out of our league?
Atma: Think of the treasure! Think of the Treasure!
Ittyk: Think of the Pain! Think of the Pain!
There is some discussion among less easily distracted and more squamish partymembers, whether or not this is the result of some vile necromancy, and should this thing be destroyed. As this possiblity reaches my gnome's ears she protests, claiming it's probably a pet... If unusual. And that she wishes to keep it, for now - until they find this person they are looking for.
Which all leads up to this comment, to be entered into the great hall of fame of this thread of the best lines ever.
Hador: "That Yrin... is no kitten!"
Had a few people request I put this character background here:
X-Plosion:Show
Unit 38-X came into existence with the 38th batch of 24 warforged created by various artificers, providing raw power to fuel an unjust war.
X had a great deal of problems with the martial training all the warforged received.
Frankly, he sucked.
X could never get the timing down right and always managed to be disarmed, pinned, or in a few cases, limbs severed in attempts to parry.
It was during one of these down-times when X was getting his arm reattached that his creator, the gnomish artificer, Denn, suggested that being a foot solider might not be a good idea. X agreed. Whenever he practiced, the squishy soldiers would make funny noises (which, he found out later, was something called 'laughter'), and X had enough problems trying to relate to the squishes.
Denn decided to see if X had any divine talents.
He didn't.
Denn gave up when he failed for the 4th time to try to explain what the gods were to him.
"Now X, the gods are the beings responsible for bringing life into the world."
"Master is a god?"
"No, X, I'm not."
"But you made X."
"Well, yes....."
"And X is alive?"
"Yes......"
"Then how are you not a god?"
"*sigh* The gods are all powerful, X, some even empower people to kill others."
"Like the army we're fighting?"
"Go to sleep, X"
"Sle......Ep? What's that?"
Time passes and Denn, against his better judgement, decides to see if X has any magical talent.
And he did, sort of.
X had very good verbal control, but had great problems learning the difficult somatic components of a spell. Knowing this would mean certain death at the front lines, Denn decided to stick X in his lab to continue on his projects while he was out in the field.
When Denn returned, his 3 months work of tinkering had been completed, and a few of them, even improved outside of his original specifications.
So X took up the mantle of artificer and became the warforged medic (for all intensive purposes), and in his spare time, learned how to use magic to imbue things with powers.
X soon found his skills growing quickly, and he decided to try making a new item, a wand of fireball.
X was so sure of his skills; he even gathered some of the other warforged to witness its maiden trial.
X emerged from the lab triumphant, carrying a small length of wood with arcane runes.
He took his place before the combat dummy, and to the awe of the crowd activated the wand.
X had about .03 seconds to ponder the idea that maybe trying to squeeze Exploding Runes into a Wand of Fireball wasn’t a good idea.
Everything in 1000 ft was toasty(Denn had to cast no less then 3 cold spells to stop the drinking water barrels from boiling); X spent the next 2 weeks making all the repairs, however, to everyone else at the camp, he became X-Plosion.
It was around this time that the war reached its zenith and the camp was swarming with activity.
Denn, wisely deciding that X might do more harm then good, asked the war forged to continue working on his current projects and prepare for the influx of injured warforged.
So X locked himself in Denn lab under the base of the supply tower.
3 days past and X was finished almost all of Denn’s work, and he was a bit confused by his masters continuing abstance, so he decided to get a drink of water (he had noticed that the squishys use this excuse to be somewhere else).
He climbs the small ladder to the trap door in the ceiling, and gave a gentle push.
It didn’t budge(X made a mental note to oil the hinges on his return).
He pushed a bit harder, still nothing.
He crouched slightly, and with a silent desire that the ladder not collapse under him, drove his shoulder into the door.
The door splintered from the impact and burst from the hole, flying out of X’s sight.
Upon exiting the lab, X gets a sense on why his master hasn’t returned. There isn’t a single thing standing within no less then a half mile around him.
All the buildings are in complete ruins and after a search, no survivors can be found.
X decides to journey to look for his master, in hoping that Denn still lives.
Quick Facts:
- X tends to be quite energetic when it comes to new things(He’s still quite sheltered).
- X loves to talk about squishy behaviour at length, to anyone that will listen, and questions them non-stop about it(Sleeping seems to be the big one he can’t understand.)
- STILL calls all non-constructs squishy’s, with the sole exception being his master.
- Keeps a small journal in which he constantly writes about his findings about squishy’s; becomes violent if taken away. Is usually correct in his observations, but for the wrong reasons.
- Is quite afraid of women, but refuses to talk about why.
me: hey, allow me to give you a congradulatory hand shake on beating the gorgon.
stupid fighter: uhhh, no. you'll cast something on me.
me: no i won't i swear it!
stupid fighter: i don't believe you.
me: no, i swear i won't cast any spells on you, like shocking grasp.
sf: you'll use some special ability.
me: i swear i won't.
sf:okay
I extend my hand to just inside the veil. He crosses the veil with his hand...
me: make a reflex save...
sf: is 16 in?
me: no take 80 points of damage
stupid fighter: you swore you wouldn't do anything!!
me: chaotic...
he then died and commented on how he thought we weren't allowed to attack eachother.
the dm told him that i hadn't attacked him... I had just found and exploited a loophole.
The constable gives us a 2500 GP bounty to hunt.
My character tried to pursuade the guy to give us someone stronger and more expensive...but he got brushed off.
Notice: My bard wears masterwork elven chainmail, a longsword, and a mithril shield on his person, clearly visible.
Amanost: Please! I am a great swordsman from the Elven lands....I need a real foe to test my mettle.
Constable: You have the look of a bard about you...
Amanost: How can you tell THAT by looking at my face?
Fighter: "Hey, hey, one woman at a time!"
Needless to say, that got him into the Arena....
We're trying to come up with a name for our adventuring party. Our silver dragon wyrmling wants to take names like 'The Nimbus League' "The League of extraordinary Nimbuses" or somesuch.
My Psychic Warrior calmly suggests "Why not the company of the silver dragon." The name sticks. So the next day Shadrach (my char) goes out and buys everyone blue tabbards with a silver dragon on them. Well everyone except the cleric, as he knows she won't cover up her St. Cuthbert Symbol. We go on a couple of adventures, Shad hires a bard to write up the tales, making Nimbus out to be the hero etc. It's not until Shad gets a cloak clasp that looks like a silver dragon in flight that the wizard's player gets suspicious.
"Hey, are you trying to make my silver dragon a target?"
Shad "Who, me? Why Tamblin why would I ever do that?"
Oh, did I mention Shad was Lawful Evil?
Another Shad story. Our CN rogue is about to go on a date with this Greyhawk crime lord. The party doesn't want her to go alone. Shad takes a drained powerstone...
"Here, take this."
"What is it?"
"It's my Psicrystal. Just carry it with you and you'll be able to call for help and we'll hear you and come running."
Well she takes the crystal goes off and seperates from the party. As things are beginning to look dire I look at the DM and say "Oh, by the way, Tony, I don't have a psicrystal."
Panic ensues among the chaotic neutral players.
next level I took the psicrystal feat, just to prove my character had one. :D
Party
Kevin: Level 16 Fire Elf archivist/wizard/mystic theurge
Andrew: Level 16 Dwarf Wizard Initiate of the 7 fold veil
Matt: Level 16 Goliath Fighter
Cross: Level 17 Indianna Jones Knockoff Dervish
Abba: Radiant Servant of Pelor cohort inspired by the Richard Harris' character from Count of Monte Cristo
Baba: Namesless npc goat man tracker
We appoach the sleeping dragon in a grotto and discuss coup de gracing the dragon.
Cross: Anyone got a pick?
Moments later we find out it's an illusion. Baba wades out into the water looking for the green dragon's lair. Everyone else is hesitant but the fire elf jumps right in to try out his detect traps spell. Andrew's permanacied arcane sight notices an aura in the water from the abjuration school.
Andrew: Probably an alarm spell.
DM: Do you tell Kevin?
Andrew: No I want to see where this goes.
One alarm later and we hear and see an angry dragon in the distant sky. We get three rounds of prep. Several fly spells and buffs, we have like +5 from various bonuses to everything and everyone's flying but Cross.
Cross wins initiative, does his best Indy and shoots the dragon with his flintlock for a whopping 13 damage.
Matt makes his save against suggestion only because of the prebattle buffs and proceeds to charge with with karmic strike, robilars gambit, and lightning mace style. Gets tail slapped and gets two attacks of opportunity, threatens and gets another attack from lightning mace, crits, and has his charge attack left totalling 200+ damage.
Andrew crits on an orb spell for ridiculous amounts of damage.
Kevin comes up with a great idea to put a wall of force in front of the dragon who's clumsy speed causes him to smash into it, falling to the ground for substantial damage.
The DM decides he must have messed something up with the encounter seeing how this was a CR22 wyrm and has the dragon cast dimension door to escape.
Andrew: He aint getting away. I have a higher caster level than him, I can dimension door farther.
Everyone gives chase by flying except Andrew who dimension doors Cross onto the dragons back. The dragon was 'running' so he was flat footed. Cross proceeds to dervish dance, making the appropriate balance checks to stay on the dragon's back, and kills the dragon. He then rides the thing down to earth making a jump and tumble check at the last second to avoid damage.
Cross' char: That was Awesome! This is what I was brought back for! (Cross character had been true ressed recently after meeting a young Pelor)
cut to treasure counting.
Me: Galeck the White, a CE albino shadowcaster 5
Frank, a LE monk 5
a CN rogue 5
a LG cleric 5
Ignoring the fact that this quickly devolved into a PvP with Galeck and Frank teaming up to slaughter the others, I present the passage.
Background: The rogue is prone and badly wounded. Galeck and Frank have agreed to help each other kill and loot, to the eventual plunge of civilization into darkness, and they are currently working on finishing off th rogue and a gnome.
Rogue: I throw my sword.
DM: At whom
Rogue: No one. I want to surrender. I throw it away.
DM: (rolls) The sword hits the wall of a building.
Frank: WTF? You're prone! How far did you throw it?!
DM: The wall is right next to him. He only needed to throw it about a foot.
Frank: Oh. :embarrass
DM: The sword bounces right back at you. (rolls) You suffer two damage.
Rogue: How does it bounce off a stone wall like that?
DM: It's a magic wall.
Galeck (OOC): We have got to steal that building!
Frank (OOC): Yes! We have got to!
Cleric (OOC):
You can't steal a building!Galeck (OOC): Sure you can. Just max out your ranks in Sleight of Hand.
All:
This led to a long speculation about a group of 50 SoL-focused rogues traveling from town to town, using SoH to steal random buildings with which to assemble their own city.
A very good thing this was a one-shot group.
This led to a long speculation about a group of 50 SoL-focused rogues traveling from town to town, using SoH to steal random buildings with which to assemble their own city.
A very good thing this was a one-shot group.
"This...smokestack? Why, nothing officer, I'm merely picking up my groceries."
Barbarian : I slam the door open and yell to the ladies. You want to worship something? I'll give you something to worship. I then expose myself with a big smile on my face.
Theif : Are you stupid, you can't do that. You'll get us all killed! I'm going to try and stop him!
*various rolls* Fail!
DM : The women turn to you....and smile.
Theif : I run in and do the same thing!
Needless to say they were crazy cultists and tried to kill us.
"This...smokestack? Why, nothing officer, I'm merely picking up my groceries."
Lmao
Terry-*wakes me up* Hey I heard something.
Tim-What do you want me to do?
Terry-I don't know, check it out.
Tim-Fine, where did it come from?
Terry-Over in that direction. *points Northwest*
Tim-*walks northwest with my bow in hand* Over here?
Terry-yea
Tim-Okay *I fire two arrows into the darkness*
DM-Okay then...roll to hit
Tim-*rolls a 4.....and another 4*
DM-You shoot two arrows and they go flying through the air, and they don't hit.
Tim-*Turns to Terry* I'm an excellent marksmen, if anything is out there, it ain't happy. *goes back to sleep*
Kurg: Half-Orc Paladin of St. Cuthbert. Nobody likes him because he keeps trying to let enemies go if the promise to repent, and is basically telling people waht to do when he's the new guy.
Ton: Hyperactive, clumsy, drunken fighter/barbarian
A while back we were hired to storm a tower that held a necromancer that was building an army. We were doing well till we got to a basement level. All hell breaks loose and the party is surrounded by a large grouping of undead. Kurg tells everyone to run, and everyone does...except for Ton. After a few rounds of Kurg trying to drag Ton out, he succeded and then is cut down as he is trying to do so. In the interm he had given several potions of healing to the dwarf to keep him up.
Ther party is able to escape with Kurg's body, and is debating what to do. Ton grabs the body and straps it to his Dire Wolf mount, and then heads off for the local Holy City. He starts to petition people to raise money for a raise dead spell. He basically has it, as well as several local officers that want to question him about why he's dragging a dead paladin around the city, adn several bartenders looking to have a rather large tab payed off, when a couple more party members find him and learn what has happened.
P1: Well, let's see if we can't find a Cleric that will communicate with him first to see if he even wants to be raised.
Ton: why wouldn';t he want to be raised, fine sure whatever.
Find a cleric and P1 starts to communicate with Kurg
P1: Do you want to be raised
Kurg: Not really
P1: Why not? (very suprised)
Kurg: I have done my duty and am with the Gods now. If I ever come back it will be by theri wishes.
P1: Ton he doesn't want to come back. Kurg, do you have anything else to say?
Kurg: Yes...I hate the Dwarf
Ton: What did he say
P1: He sends his best wishes
From that point on Ton mourned for his 'friend' and did waht he could to drunkenly live up to his memory.
The rest of the party questions him why he has so much blood on him. The binder is also still very drunk from the party
Binder: Ok, so I was at this party, and Jerry, we dared him to see how many frankenberries he could fit into his mouth. So he cast this spell that made his head really huge. So he got like, 7000 in his mouth, and then the spell wore off and his head exploded.
rest of party:
The Setup:
My male human rogue2 dies in a Living Greyhawk mod. (I'm a Keolander, and it was a Metaregional mod, and it was the tough encounter, at APL 4, nuff said.) He died by failing the save on a black dragon's breath weapon at 0 HP. This after having already been knocked down too -9 HP and surviving.
I weigh my options and decide to take the risk on reincarnation. The ENTIRE rest of the party has decided to spend a Time Unit to travel to the dreadwood to witness the reincarnation.
DM: OK, roll for what you come back as.
Me: *rolls dice* 20
DM: "You're an elf now."
Me: *Yelling out loud, throwing my arms up into the air* "YES! I'M AN ELF NOW."
DM: "OK, roll for what type of elf."
Me: *Rolls Dice again* 65
DM: High Elf, could someone look it up in the Living Greyhawk Campaign Setting?
Player 3: That isn't in the LGCS, so it's the standard elf.
Me: alright, +2 to Dex and I already have a 14 con, so the con hit isn't too bad. This is actually a good thing.
DM: Now you have to roll for Gender. High is male, Low is female.
Me: *Rolls* She's got Boobs now. And I don't care. A +2 to dex, and the elf abilities, AND she gets to keep the Human bonus feat. This is the best thing that could have happened to my character.
Player 2: So what's your character going to call herself now?
Me: Well, she's still going to be Nevix Astari. But she's going to go by Vixen. Ironically, Vixen is an anagram of Nevix.
Player 3: This was totally worth a trip to the Dreadwood.
Player 4 & 5: Definitely.
Player 2: This was worth coming to Pittsburgh, Because I will never forget Vixen.. I will always be able to say "I was there for that"
Me: And the best part is, my human male rogue came back as a female elf rogue, AND I'M HAPPY ABOUT IT.
Player 2: That's why I'll never forget it.
DM : You hear the faint sound of chanting. As you go down the hall you can see threw the crack of the wooden door, women bowing and speaking words of prayer.
Barbarian : I slam the door open and yell to the ladies. You want to worship something? I'll give you something to worship. I then expose myself with a big smile on my face.
Barbarians are the best characters ever.
Ok, so my party is at an arcane university, all studying to be some sort caster, and the parties binder walks into our frat house covered in blood.
The rest of the party questions him why he has so much blood on him. The binder is also still very drunk from the party
Binder: Ok, so I was at this party, and Jerry, we dared him to see how many frankenberries he could fit into his mouth. So he cast this spell that made his head really huge. So he got like, 7000 in his mouth, and then the spell wore off and his head exploded.
rest of party:
LOL
This one wasn't in character but it was kinda funny, I've been having a run of bad luck with my characters in one of the campaigns we are running, I started losing characters every session, and since I'm not one to like being ressurected I just create a new one and put the old one in the "to be replayed folder". Anyway at this point I'd lost my first three characters (see my sig). We're in a huge battle and due to an ability of one of the enemies I am the only one able to act since I was the only one to make the save.
Me: Alright so who made their saves?
DM: just you
Me: ...just me?
DM: yes...
Me: you mean to say that the parties very survival comes down to my character, my character who always seems to die lately, is surrounded, and is in single digit life total?
DM: yes...
Me to group: You're boned.
I actually managed to save the party from that due to a lucky roll and when the battle was over and the DM said he had to leave, I said:
Me: Wait a minute this session can't be over yet
DM: Why not?
Me: Uhm....well....it's because....I'm still alive
DM: you're eaten by a grue
Party:
the DM is starting to regret giving us the airship.
They always do
Seconds after the hobgoblin was dead the paladins player said, "Ok, now i hump...WAIT NO! I jump..."
Needless to say the entire party was laughing for a good hour at the necrophiliac paladin. We still laugh at him for it.
I'm trying my darnest to model my character after the infamous Raz, except for a little component of insanity that is characteristic of "Psions" in this setting.
Unfortunately, my own lack of wit tends to compromise the intended wit for the character. Phooey.
***---***
So, we were given a plot hook to head for the planet Tyrax, which is apparently a desert planet. When landing the craft on the planet surface...
Me IC: "Good afternoon, passengers, this is your captain speaking. We are just approaching the atmosphere of the planet Tyrax, home of the Tyraxian Cheeseburgers commonly found in McEmperor stores. The weather today is hot, dry and sunny, so don't forget to use extra sunblock, and we apologize earlier for the brief struggle in radio control. I had forgotten that tuning into the Sounds of Chaos channel is heresy, s'all. Please make sure that you exit the craft via the Emergency Exit, as the craft is currently upside down due to lack of a proper runway, and make sure that when you slide down the Emergency Chute, that you don't land on a tumbleweed. Thank you for choosing No Frills⁚ space fares, and have a pleasant holiday."
***---***
While getting a drink in the nearby village...
Me IC: "Hey, barkeep."
Barkeep: "Whazzit?"
Me IC: "Gimme a beer."
Barkeep: "That'll be a credit, first."
Me IC: *While waving hand around like a jedi* "You don't want to charge me for the beer."
Barkeep: "I don't want to char-- Hey, you're using some mind trick on me, aren't you?"
Me IC: *Waving hand* "I am not using a mind trick on you."
Barkeep: "I am not using a mind trick on you."
Me IC: "You want to give me a free beer."
Barkeep: "I want to give you a free beer." *Gives me a free beer.*
***---***
After a surprising turn of events, possibly involving the complete destruction of the village, we land in the Abyss, and outside is this dark monastery full of demon-worshippers. Hey, it's not unlike D&D after all!
After walking in...
GM: You see two rows of cultists wearing black robes, the rows lead to a set of stairs where this very tall man stands, wearing full battle armor.
Me: I switch to Interior Decoration Consultant Mode!
Me IC: "Hi, we're here to check the interior decoration of your place. I believe one of your slaves called and-- Oh, man, I just love what you've done with this monastery. There's definitely a real 'cultist' feel with this place, and how you get all of these guys to line up for you is simply awe-inspiring. If I may suggest a few things though, perhaps you should replace the crescent moons in the windows with ankhs, as they draw out a pagan cultist feeling that you have going. Also, and this is just me speaking, you should probably have some more color involved in this room. I mean, grey and black is good and all, but color is the spice of life, right? So, maybe a bit of blood-red curtains to line the back wall, and you find that--"
Big Guy NPC: "We do not tolerate humor in this place. Cease your blathering."
Me IC: "I wasn't being funny, I was being serious. This place needs some real zing to it!"
Big Guy NPC: "That's Enough!"
Me IC: "Okay, fine. But you're the one that ordered our consultation."
***---***
Eventually, we escape the Abyss, get out of Tyrax, and make headway to this rock. I think they called it The Rock. Original. It's some sort of mega-stronghold where these top-brass, high-league, spanking-regal, max-rank, macho leaders hang.
Well, my character was told specifically to not say anything.
Naturally, that meant he had to say something.
GM: You find yourself in the presence of 5 chaplains of the highest-ranking order in their chapter.
Me: ... Y'know, I haven't switched to Interior Decoration Consultant Mode in a while. D'ya think I should?
All others, except one other: NO!
That one other: Oh, yes!
Me IC: "Oh, geez. This place is about as bare and boring as its namesake. I mean, you could at least add some color other than grey and grey (with a hint of grey) to these walls, can't you? My advice? Wallpaper. I know a guy who knows a guy who can get you a great deal on some wallpaper. Only 7 credits a square meter, you can't beat that sort of price! And, about the color of this table. I think a gold table would be better. Do you like gold?"
Chaplain NPC: "Silence, fool. You are in the presence of those which will ultimately decide your fate here."
Me IC: "I take it, then, that you don't like gold. Okay, that's fine. I'm not one to judge. Anyway, we got to do something about the unfathomable bareness of those windows over there! Get something to glamorize that beautiful scenery you have."
GM: A sixth chaplain walks into the room in gold armor. He puts a skull down on the middle of the desk.
Me IC: "Well, that skull and the gold armor is a start, I suppose..."
Gold-armored Chaplain NPC: "We have an emergency, here!"
Me IC: "I'll say! There's no curtains!"
*Snip*
ROFL
Yesterday-
Fighter/Ranger-Maybe we should plant some assasin seeds so we could grow wine..
Cleric(me)-Yeah, but you can't get too attached to them....
Knight(OFC)-*snicker, snicker* that's great!
Wizard: I cast Ray of Urine!! :D
DM:
Okay...A beam of warm, foul-smelling, yellow liquid shoots from your fingertips...Wizard: *Interrupting* It came from my fingertips? That's a first.
DM and other players:
Player (OOC): "I prepared explosive runes today"
Me (OOC): Actually...yes. *Starts rolling damage*
Dicusssing the events of the session to someone who couldn't make it:
Me: So you all found that Mathias has a shrine to the King of Hell...
Player: ...Black Mage?
My group (well, more of a small army) consists of 11 or so people of a variety of classes/races. We were on a quest to help this frontier town that was being attacked every night by drows.
Well, night starts creeping up on us (on our way there) and so we look for a place to camp. While doing this it starts to rain a bit. Eventualy, our druid finds a stone formation in the middle of a clearing. After checking it, it seems that the rock formation was made by a previous druid and it protects the clearing from inclimate weather (score!). So we set up camp there. First watch goes well, then second watch is myself (lvl 6 aasimar bard), an elf rogue (level 6), and an elf Deepwoods sniper (level 8).
My bard is bored so he goes off to one side and starts to practice his cello (his preform skill is string instrument and has a VERY nice cello and bow). My old bow had broken but a guy at a bar made me a new one for cheep. He had said that he had to salvage parts for it from somewhere to make it though.
In any case, I start playing my cello and then the DM rolls some dice.
DM: A fireball hits the rock formation. *rolls* The rock formation is destroyed. *I stop playing my cello* Everyone whose awake roll a spot check. Everyone whoes asleep roll a listen check to see if you wake up.
*The sniper saw it but didn't see where it came from, and the rogue didn't see it but definately heard it. A few people woke up*
Rogue: WTF happened?
DM: ...
Rogue: Everyone whose awake, look around to see where that came from.
*we look, we don't find anything*
Rogue: Ok..... everyone go back to sleep. (the rest of the watches go smoothly although a bit damp beacause of the rock formation being destroyed).
Everyone keeps wondering about what happened (no one has any clue. IC or OOC).
Later, while at an inn (only myself, our druid, and the sniper went there, the rest are off else where in the city), I ask the innkeeper if I can preform for some money (me being dirt poor). She agrees.
I go off to one wall (perpendicular to the wall the bar counter is on) and start to play.
DM: *rolls some dice* Which direction are you facing?
Me: Why?
DM: Just tell me.
Me: err.... over that way i guess. *gestures in a little drawing of the room*
DM: A rhino suddenly appears mid air and charges. The rhino hits the barkeep and she goes splat. The rhino hits the wall and goes through it, leaving a very large hole and a trail of destruction as he continues to charge north.
Everyone present: :OMG!
DM: The two other patrons of the inn... *rolls* One goes insane and starts convulsing on the floor. The other runs over to you and attacks you for 6 damage.
Me: I cast charm person on him and tell him to go home. *rolls*
DM: It succeeds and he leaves and heads home.
Sniper: Hmm.... Well, since we are probably going to get in trouble for this, we might as well rob the place. Mind helping me hold this guy down while I search him?
Druid: sure.
Sniper: *rolls search check, suceeds*
DM: You find a small pouch tied to his belt.
Sniper: I yank it off *rolls strength check, succeeds* Anything on him?
DM: You find an amulet around his neck.
Sniper: I yank it off *rolls a natural 20 on his strength check*
DM: You pull so hard his neck snaps, he dies.
*meanwhile I go about forging a will for the recently deceased barkeeper that states that she leaves the inn to me, I roll a natural 20 on my forgery check*
*Sniper and druid continue to search the inn*
DM: You (the sniper) find an very strong steel chest. It is locked and needs a key.
Druid: I search the barkeeps body
DM: From the bloody smear that remains of the barkeep you find a key.
*Druid and Sniper agree to split the contents. They get a total of 40k gold*
*about this time everyone else shows up*
Everyone else: :OMG!
Me: good news everyone! You get to stay the night at the inn free! :D
In case you hadn't figured it out yet, my cello bow was made out of a rod of wonder. So everytime I played my cello, it activated. Since my bard only had 8 wisdom, he didn't realize it.
We are on a mission from a neighboring kingdom to retrieve a thief and a sword he stole, and have tracked him down to this ball at an embassy in another kingdom.
To get into the ball, we have to be in ballroom clothes and we have to get a hold of an invitation. We talk about sneaking in, knocking out some courtiers and taking their invitation, stealing an invitation out of the box of used invitations, all manner of plans. Then the light bulb struck.
Me: Why don't we just tell the truth?
Party: 0.o .... uh, yeah, why don't don't we?
*everyone looks at DM, who proceeds to flip through pages in the campaign book*
DM: I'm going to have to improvise here, there's nothing in this book about telling the truth.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Moral of the story: In all the random situations and all the random actions, only telling the truth is such an unthinkable act as to not even have a pre-written scenario.
*Snip*
In case you hadn't figured it out yet, my cello bow was made out of a rod of wonder. *snip*
... made out of a rod of wonder? That was cheap? Your DM needs a Headband of Intellect +6 and a Tome of Clear Thought +4.
That was cheap? Your DM needs a Headband of Intellect +6 and a Tome of Clear Thought +4.
He mentioned that the materials had been scrounged for so obviously the person who made it didn't realise what he'd found to make the bow. It was just the DM having a bit of fun and providing it's roleplayed well which it evidently is it probably adds a huge amount of fun to the game. Now stop nit-picking and enjoy the comedy.
Player 1: I'm going down!
Player 2: ON THE TROLL?!?!?!?! :OMG!
Rest of party:
-Situation: Need Intel on certain subject matter important to mission. Said intel is located in a specific encrypted book to which a certain high-ranking-authority-figure had a key to. To attempt to go into room in which book is kept would spell disaster due to large amounts of arcane traps, mundane traps, and what-not. Retrieving Key is paramount to mission success.
-Set-up: The Admiral, the one with the key upon which he keeps on his person at all times, is attending a ball being held in honor of the local Emperor. Meaning security is tight. Really tight. Magical disguises are not possible. (Though an Eagle's Grace spell effect is more-or-less expected in high society).
-The Catch: In their finest attire the adventuring party goes to tackle the Ball! Everyone is in some disguise to one degree or another. And Raz drew the shortstick...
Raz: I have to play the maiden that drags the Admiral to a 'private tete`-a-tat!?
Priest: The other lady wanted to, but she's too shy.
Raz: A shy barbarian half-orc...... I never would've guessed by the way she throws guys around in pubs.
----
Raz: (note: Wearing a 'southern-belle' styled ball gown, heavy make-up, dyed blonde hair, and a fan equipped with a hidden dagger-lock picks- and some alchemical vials) Since I have 5 ranks in Balance, do I by any chance NOT have a problem with wearing High Heels?
----
Noble: Pray forgive me milady, but what kind of creature is that upon your neck?
Raz: Mah word guvneh, this 'ere's mah lil mink (Read: Familiar Ferret Chek'um also in disguise), her name's Scarlette.
Noble: Again forgive my manners but I have yet to catch your name.
Raz: Mah name's Ravensien du O'hare. Though most suitors tend tah call me (flip out fan in a flirtatious manner) Miss Ravished.
----
Eventually, the groups suspicioun that the Admiral admires 'petite' women breeds true and Raz gets a chance to dance with the Admiral.
Raz: Good thing we didn't stuff waterskins in the corset.
-----
After a rather strange dance (The Admiral makes multiple attempts at touching Raz inappropriately to which Raz managed to smack away all attempts in a yet most flirting manner).
Admiral: Tell me Miss Ravished, how ever are you so light on your feet and quick with your wit?
Raz: Probably in tha same mannah that most scandallous scoundrel Razilly Dillybah or what's his name dodges fireballs.
Admiral: Ah yesss....him.. a most notorious criminal who is more dangerous than many give him credit for.
Raz: Mah word! (whips out fan again) Is he really so dangerous that even you mayaps have a problem?
Admiral: Of course not! As we speak my men are on the lookout for a notorious mercenary gang to which he belongs! With any luck he will soon be in my grasp!
Raz: Like this? (pulls the Admiral's hand into his own and starts leading him away from the party)
Admiral: (Feeling confident) Tell me Miss Ravished, however did you gain the nickname?
Raz: Like to find out?
----
A few minutes later Raz leads to a secluded part of the royal gardens.
Admiral: My...it's a warm night tonight
Raz: It could be because the knock-out drug is working finally.
Admiral: What kn-(Fails Fortitude save) zzzzzzzz
Raz: (Snaps fan shut and starts searching the Admiral's body and starts talking to his familiar) And that Chek'um is why you're here. Nobody looks at the pet drugging the drinks.
Chek'um: (Makes some ferrety noises)
Raz: Was the Emperor's daughter really checking me out? Well as if I needed MORE problems with royalty! What do you suggest I do about it?
Chek'um: (Ferrety answer)
Raz: I am NOT going to be dressing like a girl just to get the girl! It's rather sad that THAT'S what I'll have to do just to get a look!
----
And after obtaining the book, the alarm is sounded and the heroes rush to escape! In the confusion the heroes seperate and make to leave by different routes.
Guards: SURRENDER WOMAN!!!
Raz: (Backed into a dead-end with a single stain-glass window behind him, still wearing the ball gown, and about a baker's dozen of guards ready to pounce. Raz flashes out the fan.) Oh mah word! I'm just all a vapor! (Rips off the skirt, don't worry kids Raz is wearing breeches under that thing)
Guards: GAHHHH! CROSS DRESSER
Raz: THAT'S ROGUE-MAGE TO YOU!!! (Throws one Potion of En-Flambe or fireball if you will, between himself and the guards, and throws the other at the window behind him. Raz makes both Reflex saves easily before flipping out of the now melted window).
----
Aftermath...
Raz: Next time, the half-orc barbarian woman does the dressing up!
Priest: Awwwww, but the Emperor's daughter was checking you out!
Raz: guhhhhhh.
You sir, are nearly the sole reason I keep checking on this thread. Raz is a perfect example of how to play a character with style, even if that style happens to be female clothing :PThis takes place in a city made up almost entirely of a barbarian tribe who is notorious for their fear and hatred of magic. We need to be careful, because the wizard has had a habit of getting himself into trouble and this is a bad place for this to happen.
So we're killing some time until our contact shows up, and we're in this tavern, which is a real tough joint. The kind of place where guys hit each other.
So the fighter, in a fit of brilliance, calls over the wizard by yelling, "Hey! Wizard! Come over here!"
A nearby patron takes notice and pipes up with "Did you just call 'm a wizard?" This is where I step in.
Me: No, sir, this man isn't a wizard at all. You must have misheard this lad over the roar of the patronage. *rolls a 29 on Bluff*
Him: Then what is he? He's got the robes 'n the book.
Me: You mistake him, my friend! He's only a scholar, travelling with us, chronicaling our journey.
Him: Eh...well...
Me: I'll tell you what, my friend. You seem a right fellow; I'll buy you a drink.
Him: Heh, sounds good.
So it's clear I have him eating out of the palm of my hand. The wizard, who apparantly missed that whole exchange despite standing right there, whispered to the fighter, "I can fix this." He then casts Suggestion-right in front of the guy that I just convinced that he wasn't a wizard. For having the best intelligence, he can be kind of dumb.
Guy: He is a wizard!
The whole bar takes notice at this point. Cue a barfight where everyone who's not us has levels in barbarian.
The wizard and I both get tossed out of the bar at the same time. I just look over at him, glare at him for a second, and say, "Nice one." Then I just get up and walk away.
Righto- the group (a paladin, monk, and wizard) left town, and I met them shortly after, in the forest. I'm a Rogue, Cade Alton. Now old Cade knows that the family that run the lighthouse are dead- finding out what has happened is the parties mission- as he was on a ship raided by the same pirates that kill the family- the party decides to take me back to town...., upon hearing my story
Hulsang- Level 1 wizard
Kelso- Level 1 paladin
Rahvin- Level 1 Monk
Cade- Level 1 Rogue
We arrive at the gates, which are closiong, so I MAKE A RUN FOR IT-, just getting there in time-...with a DAGGER in my hands, screaming at the guards
(blatent order of the stick rip off)
Guard one- HALT!
Hulsang- It's ok! (group catches up) The halfling is with us!
Guard one- Aaaa, you return quickly. Have you seen the family?
Hulsang- No....but the halfling has some very important information
Guard one- Drop your weapon, Halfling!
Cade- Sir! Sir! I just think that-
Guard one- DROP IT!
Cade- FINE! (throws dagger over shoulder....hitting Monk)
Guard one- ON THE GROUND!
Cade-
ok...ok sir but I dinnae do it on purpose you know i was doing hat you said and threw it away and-Guard one- Escort him inside, Angyr, Killiran, and find out what he knows
Cade- Ohhhh, I gettit, I'm a HALFLING! i'm must be TROUBLE! ooooo, everyone watch out, theres A HALFLING IN TOWN!
Guard one- we are NOT racist- we have a DWARF among our ranks! (motions to Angyr)
Cade-.....(considers) ARE you sure he's not just a fat gnome? he's got no beard, and he's not drinking
Hulsang- :OMG!
(Next game we're trying to infiltrate the pirate camp- that WILL be fun)
Garble Willowwits: If Raz is nearly the sole reason you keep returning you haven't read enough of this thread! There's tons of stuff even funnier then Raz! Trust me
Taeldrin Laesrash: I'm honestly not sure if I want to make an attempt at drawing a cross-dressing rogue-mage. Mostly because I'm not that good at making southern belle gowns. But I will certainly consider it.
TheChilliGod:
I'm trying my darnest to model my character after the infamous Raz, except for a little component of insanity that is characteristic of "Psions" in this setting.
Yesssss excellent!
Another mark for lives destroyed by Raz! And I love your Navigator and you definately have wit!Now if you will all excuse me, I must make plot against my DM's campaign world. THERE SHALL BE PLANS!!!
(Party rogue just got paralyzed and killed by a Carrion Crawler)
Sorceress: I commit Seppoku
Me (DM)-OOC: And why are you doing that?
Sorceress-OOC: My character loves the rogue.
Everyone in Party: NO SHE DOESN'T!
Party Fighter: I grapple the Sorceress.
DM: Sorceress, you've never done ANYTHING IC about being in love with the Rogue.
Party finds the remains of the party rogue.
Fighter: That's a real shame. We can put him back toghther again
Sorceress: I'm going to run off with his corpse.
Rogue (OOC): The sorceress can't lift my corpse off the ground!
Sorceress: Then I commit Seppoku.
Fighter: Right... Better rez the rogue.
Cleric: Okay, we can Reincarnate him or Raise Dead him
Fighter: Well, the Reincarnate spell is a lot cheaper
Cleric: But he could come back as a Female orc!
Rogue(OOC): If I return to life as a female Orc, I'm going to kill someone!
Fighter: Raise Dead it is.
Yanni(monk)- .....what was that? (OOC) I'd like to make a smell check
Hulsang- (OOC) oh, yes, the trained skill to determine the stronger odor- cheese or wine, you'll find that on the skill list between 'not there' and 'non existant'
We were doing a quick one-shot for D&D game day. We had a fighter, a druid, and a sorcerer who are all important to this story.
We're helping this town called Newport figure out how to deal with a giant problem. Eventually we track it to some ruins outside of town.
We find the ghost of an NPC there, and we learn that the giant's hideout was once the hatchery for a group of kobolds, and that the ghost-in life-had killed all of them.
Us: What was this place?
Ghost: This is what the town used to be before a great fire claimed it.
Sorcerer: But this isn't the town. The town's over there.
Ghost: This is Oldport.
About three seconds of silence, and then the fighter, druid and sorcerer all go "Ooooohhhhh" simultaniously as we make the connection.
1) You can't trip a tooth, it has no discernable anatomy!
2) ******* it, the Dwarf in his pajamas has a higher AC than I do!
Yesssss excellent!
Now if you will all excuse me, I must make plot against my DM's campaign world. THERE SHALL BE PLANS!!!
Wait a minute, you invented Raz? I thought he was from some book/movie! And he got so popular too! WTF happened?!?Group: Wizard (me) maxed out ranks in Knowledge: astrology (important) and a few in Perform: singing
Rogue (maxed out ranks in craft: explosives)
Paladin
Barbarian
Low wis ranger
We were on our way, merrily hoping on through the woods in our level 8 days, when all of a sudden, we were captued by orcs from a war-torn plague ridden tribe (they were pretty unhappy). They were planning to eat us, when we came up with a plan: the rogue (succeding an escape artist check, we were bound) would plant explosives around the camp, while we formed a diversion. I was able to convince them to let me sing a song before we were eaten. So I got to singing. I had low ranks in the skill, so I also combined it with Knowledge (astrology) just in case one failed (Certain skills can be made together, house rule).
So my song went like this:
Whenever life gets you down noble orcs,
And things seem hard or tough,
And people are stupid (drag barbarian on stage), obnoxious (drag paladin on stage), or daft (same with ranger, so they're pretty ******)
And you feel that you've had quite enough...
TRANSITION TO KNOWLEDGE: ASTROLOGY!
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
In that time, the bombs went off, and we were able to fight off the survivors.
P.S. We were not using the planes, so this all makes sense.
And for some odd reason I couldn't help but listen to Weird Al's "Your Horoscope For Today" while reading that diversion...utterly brilliant diversion I must admit.
And in regards to this comment.
One: He's popular?!? Hmmm....I must be doing something either very right or very wrong...
Two: I know that I invented at least one, ONE, Razta'alin Delacroix, though if that is not whom Chilli God was attempting to emulate than I must indeed apologize and knock my ego down.
Three: You will find no Wikipedia article on Razta'alin, and as far as my imagination goes there is no one exactly like him in any book/movie that I know of.
And Four: If I DID (and I do believe I did) invent Raz then is it really so bad as to go WTF happened?
Now if everyone will excuse me, I gotta go to sleepy time soon.
Me: "So they have news ninja?"
TRANSITION TO KNOWLEDGE: ASTROLOGY!
Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at nine hundred miles an hour,
That's orbiting at nineteen miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at forty thousand miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the 'Milky Way'.
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars.
It's a hundred thousand light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, sixteen thousand light years thick,
But out by us it's just three thousand light years wide.
We're thirty thousand light years from galactic central point.
We go round every two hundred million years,
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding universe.
The universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, the speed of light, you know,
Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is.
So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure,
How amazingly unlikely is your birth,
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space,
'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth.
In that time, the bombs went off, and we were able to fight off the survivors.
P.S. We were not using the planes, so this all makes sense.
So .... can I have your liver, then?
You always learn something new, here.
Google Raz Character
http://hg101.classicgaming.gamespy.com/psychonauts/psychonauts.htm
I guess the poster somewhere... above... was referring to this Raz, instead?
Anyways I never played Psychonauts so I didn't know about the main character Razputin....
I'll have to play it now. Thanks
So .... can I have your liver, then?
I don't think you want that. *smokes cigar, and washes it down with beer*
Actually that would all still make since with the planes...
And for some odd reason I couldn't help but listen to Weird Al's "Your Horoscope For Today" while reading that diversion...utterly brilliant diversion I must admit.
And in regards to this comment.
One: He's popular?!? Hmmm....I must be doing something either very right or very wrong...
Two: I know that I invented at least one, ONE, Razta'alin Delacroix, though if that is not whom Chilli God was attempting to emulate than I must indeed apologize and knock my ego down.
Three: You will find no Wikipedia article on Razta'alin, and as far as my imagination goes there is no one exactly like him in any book/movie that I know of.
And Four: If I DID (and I do believe I did) invent Raz then is it really so bad as to go WTF happened?
Now if everyone will excuse me, I gotta go to sleepy time soon.
1-3: I don't know about you, but lately I've been seeing alot of dnd players naming their characters Raz-something. I just thought that had something to do with Razta-alin Delac-ah hell you know the rest. Don't tell me you haven't seen raz-mage, raziel, and any other Razes. You mentioned in your sig "currently slightly infamous for playing the rogue-mage Raz"
4: I was just amazed that so much could come from just another member, no offence (if it really came from Razta'alin)
Hmmmm... Well personally I haven't seen much of a trend into the R-a-z usage of characters. But that could just be due to a lack of me getting around the world.
And I don't think I go through enough online stuff to see a bunch of characters dubbed from the Razes category.
Though the name Raziel, I definately can't claim any credit for that name, nor that of Raistlin, and a bunch of other names.
And if, big IF mind you, start a trend for goofy, slightly witty, immensely lucky (good or bad), characters of the Raz-encounter, then my ego (large as it is) shall be further fueld by the allowance of blaming it all on me!!!
And now if the world will excuse me, I gtg to work and then to a session of non-Raz D&D!
Hopefully there shall be great lines!
Geroy Romanov: wizard 29/fighter 1/spellsword 10 (the uberized epic version from Metamind's character in the galaxy song story)
Forget His Name: Yaun-Ti fighter 15
Lee Jet: Human monk 25 or 26 (The biggest "funny guy" in the group)
DM: After the king grants you your quest, you meet the elven princess-
Lee Jet: I ask her is she wants to
Geroy: Oh, you're gonna die now!
DM: She agrees, as long as you complete the quest
Geroy: WTF?!? I WANT HOT ROYALTY ACTION TOO
DM: You walk into a tavern. The patrons are acting rowdy and excited.
Yaun-ti: *Starts yelling, throwing couch pillows, singing, ect all OOC*
Geroy+Lee Jet: (OOC) Dude, shut up and sit down!
Y-t: What? I'm ambience! :D
Geroy: No, you're mental retardation, now sit down!
DM (elven general): We plan to invade the dragon's lair soon, but first we must-
Geroy: But I want to slay dragons NOW! *stamps foot*
Lee Jet: I want to get laid!
Y-T: (Not even playing anymore) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUHG!!!!!!
DM:
DM: You are attacked by orcs! Roll initialive!
DUMBASSES! <- his catch phrase
Geroy: I don't want to fight! I roll a diplomacy check!
DM: YOU'RE AT LEAST 30 LEVELS HIGHER THAN HIM!
Geroy: But, but, but I got to!
Lee Jet: I ask them if they want to
DM: THEY SAY NO!
lee jet: WHY NOT?
For the whole fight, Metamind was running around the battlefield saying FIGHTING IS WRONG! WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST BE FRIENDS!
-Lord Metamind
Hehehe, no worries Metamind :D I was up late working and slightly cranky when I posted that.
Hmmmm... Well personally I haven't seen much of a trend into the R-a-z usage of characters. But that could just be due to a lack of me getting around the world.
And I don't think I go through enough online stuff to see a bunch of characters dubbed from the Razes category.
Though the name Raziel, I definately can't claim any credit for that name, nor that of Raistlin, and a bunch of other names.
And if, big IF mind you, start a trend for goofy, slightly witty, immensely lucky (good or bad), characters of the Raz-encounter, then my ego (large as it is) shall be further fueld by the allowance of blaming it all on me!!!
And now if the world will excuse me, I gtg to work and then to a session of non-Raz D&D!
Hopefully there shall be great lines!
UH-OH.
I've been swept up in RAZ FEVER!!!
I'm playing an a character that is going to go Rogue/Conjurer/Arcane Trickster, (In living Greyhawk), and she(he?) has the strangest luck.
For example:
In his(her?) first adventure, the first trap that she tries to find, he steps on. He is immediately struck by an arrow, dropped in a pit, and knocked out cold.
The next two adventures go OK. But in the fourth adventure, he dies. A black dragon's breath weapon hurts when you fail the save. By one. Time to reincarnate. Now, he started as a Human Male. Post reincarnation, he is a female elf. This is just about the absolute best possible outcome for reincarnation possible. He gets the Human bonus feat and "She" gets to keep it while gaining the elf abilities.
The funniest part is, His name was Nevix. Nevix is anagramatic for Vixen. And Nevix is actually a name originally created for a completely different character. (A long, irrelevant story.) I swear to God I didn't even realise that Nevix = Vixen when I made the name up.
And, in his(Her?) fifth adventure, the only arrow trap in the whole mine just so happens to drop her in one hit. Also, she rolled consecutive ones when throwing Acid Flasks and Alchemists Fires.
And if, big IF mind you, start a trend for goofy, slightly witty, immensely lucky (good or bad), characters of the Raz-encounter, then my ego (large as it is) shall be further fueld by the allowance of blaming it all on me!!![QUOTE/]
Let's see: Goofy? He's a human male in a female elf's body. Check.
Slightly witty? I hope so. He(she) will need a sense of humor.
Immensely Lucky, for good or bad? HELL YEAH!!!
So if "Once is happenstance, Twice is coincidence, and Three times is enemy action" (Not that I'd ever consider you and enemy, Rickiel) We just need two more characters like mine to blame it all on you, Rickiel.
Not that that is a bad thing. Arcane tricksters are fun.
Hariman
Players travel through a dark nasty dungeon in hopes of finding loot. They soon come upon a treasure chest.
DM: "...inside the chest you find 1,000gp"
Player 1: "Awesome!" Hastilly scribble's down loot on party's "grab sheet"
Some monster slaying and a ton of wandering later....
DM: "You come upon another chest in the far end of this room..."
Player 2: "I'm on it!"
(Player 2 dodges a ton of traps and finally opens up the chest)
DM:"You find... 10 copper pieces"
Player 2: (long pause) "...it's because I'm black, isn't it?"
DM and all players:
Player 2: "...seriously...."
(Also just to set things straight this wasn't any real case of racial discrimination, Jesse's a good sport and a valued part of our gaming community.
) And for some odd reason I couldn't help but listen to Weird Al's "Your Horoscope For Today" while reading that diversion...utterly brilliant diversion I must admit.
Me, I've got Yakko's Universe running through my head...
"And still it's just a speck among a hundred billion stars in a galaxy we call the Milky Way
It's sixty thousand trillion miles from one end to the other and still that is just a fraction of the way
Cause there's a hundred billion galaxies that stretch across the sky filled with constellations, planets, moons, and stars
And yet the universe extends to a place that never ends, which is maybe just inside a little jar!"
Oronar(Me): "Maybe you should have a cleric look at those growths."
Woman (NPC): (looks at her chest) "You mean these? You've never seen bosoms before?"
Oronar: "No...are they contagious?"
Woman: *laughs* "Come back with some coin and I'll teach you all about them"
Oronar: *completely oblivious to her 'proposal'* "Well..." *looks in his sack* "Will 20 gold do?"
Woman: "Yes it will...come with me"
Best part is, he was told to bring back whatever knowledge of he outside world he got to the monsatery...
We were starting out a group in eberron, And I was a warforge. Our team monk, always a funny guy persisted to bug me on him. The conversation followed as...
Me: Well, I have two feats...
Monk: ooo! OOO! Get mirthril body!
Me: Well, ok I guess...
Monk: Then put all ranks in alchemy!
Me: why?
Monk: Couse everyone loves a full metal alchemist :D
Me:
It was funny at the time...
Now, I told my DM that Raz has a very specific goal in mind.
Find a home.
Simple........right?
DM: Well you could settle in Viernith.
Raz: Hmmmm.....any major enemies around there that Raz has?
DM: Only Fargas
Raz: The creepy mage with a penchant for chopping people up and putting new parts on them....I'll pass.
DM: Then there's the Empire of Titeria, it's extremely lawful but maybe Raz could live in the countryside.
Raz: Nahh, he'll cause a ruckus just by existing there.
DM: There's Polis.
Raz: The Arcane Protectorate there's been giving me weird looks...
DM: Hey! What about the Elven Kingdom?
Raz: They won't like me after I go through with my plans concerning the princess' wedding.
DM:....Well how about Armeni?
Raz: Steel Fang's way too well known and Raz probably has a few enemies down in the Pipe City below it.
DM: You could go north of Armeni, there's only the burning plague there.
Raz: Forts saves are not his forte.
DM: Troipa?
Raz: The government's willing to and has killed their own agent's family.
DM: AH! What about Windswept!
Raz: The island from the whole Cloak of the Winds adventure?
DM: YEAH! You guys took out a purple worm there!
Raz: And there were Remorhaz's...Frost Giants... And the Red Dragon.
DM: ohh...forgot about the dragon... How about the island of amazons? Or any of those archipelego islands with small villages that ship out food to.... Titerian naval forces and pirates from the Floating City...
Raz: I think I'll pass.
DM: Well you could go to Solandria, HQ of the Steel Fang!
Raz: Only Raz doesn't want to always be around them.
DM: Right...and there's the bigger guilds there too...
Raz: Hmm...What's WEST of Solandria?
DM: The Hextorian empire.
Raz: North of Solandria?
DM: OH! THE DESERT!
Raz:....I'll pass.
DM: But there's nothing really wrong with it! And there's only the blue dragon!
Raz:... Key word...Dragon.
DM: And it's not even really a dragon...it's an Abberant Blue Dragon...
Raz: This is turning out hopeless.
DM: Now now now, wait a minute here... He can live on the island with viscious murderous little lizard people. Or the Blood Caverns! If it weren't for the vampires...
Raz: I suppose if I was really desperate I could desecrate another temple of Lolth and use that. That's just ASKING for trouble there!
DM: Not really, the drow are too busy with the Beholders...
Raz:...... There's the mechanists place far under the Pipe City.... but...
DM: You'd have to come up occasionally for food, but you'll definately be safe! There's a lock on that place after all.
Raz: Yeah but Raz likes open air and the ocean just as much as machinery.......
DM: You know.... Now that I think about it...there's a lot of little power structures all over the place... And I've made my world really really dangerous. But there's gotta be SOMEPLACE...
Raz: There's the third continent.
DM: RIGHT!
Raz: With the slavers and hostile people who don't speak Common.
DM: Oh.... Sorry Raz...
Raz: Of all the Prime Material Worlds to drop into......I had to come to the meat grinder with death at every corner of the world.
-Currently the best idea is to somehow make a moving castle... But that's not gonna happen any time soon
-Raz's Moving Castle!!!
>_>
One of the PCs was being escorted around a town we were staying in, they were out late, not doing anything wrong per say, but trespassing none the less.
After Bluffing the City Guard into thinking some muggers were down the street...
DM: They go over an kick a drunk in the ally.
Me: OOC Sometimes the drunk kicks BACK! Jacky Chan IS the DRUNKEN MASTER!!!!!
Raz: Of all the Prime Material Worlds to drop into......I had to come to the meat grinder with death at every corner of the world.
-Currently the best idea is to somehow make a moving castle... But that's not gonna happen any time soon
I think you're on the right track with the "Flying home" idea.
Maybe Raz could invent the first flying boat and captain a galleon of loyal nubile women as his crew. That's if he doesn't hook up with the half dragon daughter of the necromancer. Whatever happened to her anyway?
Originally posted by Hariman
I think you're on the right track with the "Flying home" idea.
Maybe Raz could invent the first flying boat and captain a galleon of loyal nubile women as his crew. That's if he doesn't hook up with the half dragon daughter of the necromancer. Whatever happened to her anyway?
That would be a different campaign than Raz's original and currently on an....extended hiatus...cruddlies.
Originally posted by Lute
Instead of Howl's Moving Castle, make a...
Raz's Moving Castle!!!
>_>
Indeed the inspiration for the idea in the first place :D
Unfortunately with limited Feats to take, and not planning on Leadership, I can't really expect to have a loyal crew of nubile women...
Much less a loyal crew.
(2nd lvl sorceror keeping watch after killing a leader of a group of brigands and the larger part of their army)
after rolling a few bad listen checks i rolled an awesome one and heard a twig break and an arrow being notched my character proceeded to yell 'BRIGANDS!!' then jump backwards and fire a burning hands into the forest, forgetting that it was a fairly dry and dense forest.......and i roll awesome :D
my rogue friend woke up and stared at me saying, well y the f*** did u wake us up'
it became worse when the druid of our group woke up and just about killed everyone
another caimpaign(fight against cthulu it was a great caimpaign cut short by an ahole of a player)
cleric(me), rogue, sorceror, special class(bowman), ranger, barbarian(me)
after killing a half-fiend and placing some leftover items in the rogues portable hole the bowman wanted some of the stuff for himself
bowman takes stuff but ends up in the hole
bowman:every kill you keep the stuff this is mine
rogue: fine (closes hole)
cleric:
no, its my job to make sure u all dont get urselves killed...again now open that uprogue: ugh...fine (opens hole) speaking to bowman: give me the potion and scroll and you can come out
bowman: how can i give it to u if u dont open the hole wider
rogue:fine (ties basket to rope and drops it in the hole) 'It puts the potion in the basket'
same campaign and characters
bowman:your getting on my nerves
ranger:*high* ya well you can kiss my arse
bowman: kiss this (takes one shot at the ranger.....rolls=20, 20, 20)
arrow goes clear through the rangers head and into the tree behind him
bowman:.....oops
same campaign
after me hanging on a blue dragons face and getting completely banged up i managed to throw acid on his already heavy-crossbow shot eye(also me :D ) as soon as the smoke had cleared the sorceror and a mage of the town we were saving fired magic missles into the socket.... hahah
DM:*under breath* sh** the dragon falls into the desert sand...then slowly gets up and tries to fly away, basically he looks like a retard on steroids
theyre all probably 'u had to be there things' but we usually play late and everything seems funny i would post more but im lazy
same campaign as above
b4 the bowman was a monk, he ended up having like an intelligence of 6 and he got a wand of 'shock me', it was supposed to be of shocking grasp but he begged and pleaded for it to shock him no matter who was using it, this isnt really any line but it was just funny having my cleric sitting in a bar reading while hes drinking and shocking himself with that wand until he finally passes out and i have to waste my healing to fix him
same campaign(u can tell this campaign really was awesome)
we're in a cavern with 4 piles of dead corpses and a red stone in the middle
me:dont anybody touch this we have no idea what it is
party:fine
me to dm:i wanna put my talisman of pelor about half a foot away to see just how evil it is
dm:grabs dice
me: **** i mean i....damnit alright about that whole touching it thing, i was right
dm:it begins to glow red
me:****, everyone run
>shortly after<
alright u all see a giant mindflayer appear out of the top of the cave
me:damnit this was my fault.....here *tosses staff of life to the rogue(best friend of cleric)*
me to dm: alright i run around the side of the mtn and shoot him with my crossbow
dm:u mean try...
me:...ya i know...try
dm: u shoot and hes gone before the bolt gets there
me: yep...
dm: he appears in front of you and says something u dont understand
me: ive got tongues still on
dm: o right he says 'thank you the world will now suffer pain and suffering immeasurable but you still must perish
me:yep...
dm:he shoves his hand through the ground and you all see the ground fold up around him, (to me) ur dead u dont see any of this
me:duh
rogue:after cthulu is gone i use 'use magic device to raise the cleric'
*succeeds*
rogue:you died
me:yep....
rogue: no seriously you just got pwned like i've never seen
me:yep....
rogue:how do u....
me: give my staff a-hole
He just had the best darn adventure of his life.
Going back to this rock (Called The Rock) after a little adventure involving talking with aliens, he decided to stay in his ship at the docking bay because, "That place is a bit drab, I don't want it to cramp my style any further."
Not to mention that the whole Rock was surrounded by some Imperial fleet, which only let us in due to the kindness in their hearts. Bless them.
So Senthos (yeah, that's his name) is sitting there, looking unsuspicious, while the rest of the party is in there, presumably talking with their leaders. When suddenly...
Violet: *Violet is a PC fighter-type with a few psionic powers, and can speak to Senthos through telepathy* "Senthos! We've just been taken prisoner by the Imperial fleet! We need help!"
Senthos: "Hah! Okay, then. Where are you, exactly? What can I do?"
Violet: "The prison area, you should know the way. You should create a distraction or something."
*At this point, a range of ideas goes through Senthos' head for a "distraction", ranging from blowing up one of the Imperial starships, to running out of his craft with no pants.*
Senthos: "Okay, sure."
*So he settles on an idea, gets out of the craft, psionically creates an illusory costume of an Imperial soldier, and makes his way unmolested to the prison block, where some head honcho (a Witch Hunter, IIRC) is giving a lecture to the rest of the party about their "Crimes."*
Witch Hunter: "You have been reported to have consulted with aliens, the vile Eldar. This is heresy according to the Emperor!"
Interritus: *Interritus is another PC, a fighter-type Interrogator Chaplain* "We were ordered to consult with the Eldar so we can root out the demon hiding in our own flagship!"
Witch Hunter: "That 'demon' is the corruption that has spread through your whole chapter! It must be purged, and you with it!"
*At this point, Senthos, who had just reached the corner behind the prison, decides to psionically throw his voice through the comlink on the Witch Hunter's possession.*
Senthos: *Through comlink* "This is Inquisitor Eisenhorn, come in Tira."
Witch Hunter: "Yes, what is it?"
Senthos: "One of our ships has been attacked, number... uhm... 0256. Yeah."
Witch Hunter: "What? That ship, here?!?"
Senthos: "Uhm, yes... See, it was chartered for it's... special... capacities... Yes. And it is now under attack by... uhm... Demons! Yes, demons. So... we require your... presence, yes... uhm... immediately... please?"
Witch Hunter: "Okay, I'll be right there..."
*And so the witch hunter leaves the rest of the party in prison, which Senthos then gets them out of.*
Interritus: "For the first time in my life, I am... ghk... happy... to see you."
Senthos: "Me too. Operation Rescue Helpless Morons was a complete success."
Interritus: "Let me take that last comment back."
Me: So, you set off on your journey, travelling east for several miles along the Dawn Way. This leg of the journey is uneventfull. Up ahead you see the path continue east towards Brindol, and a smaller path leads north to the ruined city of Rhest. The grasslands around you slowly begin turning into marshlands as you follow the north road. Something about the weather seems...unnatural...in that......
Player 1 (cutting me off): "And the winter was very cold! And they were forced to eat Robin's Minstrels! And there was much rejoycing!!"
Player 2: PPFFFFFFFFFFFAAHHHAHAHAHAHA
At that exact moment, the second player had been taking a large gulp of soda, and when the first player busted out with a line from Monty Python, he A.S.N.R.ed (Acute Spontaneous Nasal Reflux...IE, drink out the nose) his soda all over the map and two other player's character sheets. That shut down the game for a good 20 minutes while we cleaned up the mess, and recovered from the hysterical fits of laughter that had caused two of the group to literally fall from their chairs and roll on the ground. It wasn't because of the line from Monty Python though, it was the soda spraying everywhere that caused the laughter. Oddly enough, I was about to mention that the weather was swealtering hot, just above 100 degrees, not so cold one would be forced into cannibalism because of the harsh winter.....it was hilarious though....
"This is such an inconvenience"
not sure of the Eberron-esque-ness of the Camp. World you are playing in, but there are 2 items that would serve Raz quite well.
an Orrery of the Planes, capable of making a "manifest zone" of whichever plane it is set to, within a certain area...
and a Flying Buttress, a structural-type piece of a tower/castle which takes advantage of the manifest-zone powers of Syrania (The Azure Sky: angels, devas, etc...and lots o flight)
put the two of those together, with some extradimensional spaces to make it more roomy, and you have your flying castle.
of course, getting an orrery of the planes, a flying buttress and a castle would likely involve stealing them, but ain't that what Raz is good at?
in my recently ended game, this was the plan between the Human Warmage and the Human Monk/Paladin/Heir of House Orien (responsible for travel and whatnot...eventually had his own 2 lightning rail cars, a gift from the house).
Get the orrery, set it to "fly mode" and strap that flying buttress to the roof of the rail-cars. then, you get to go on the rails when on the ground, and when desired, you can fly. the only problem was finding a way to maneuver. but the warmage had lots of spells, and gust of wind.
namaste'
the hamster
(btw, Go Raz! Lie, Cheat, and Steal to Get Ahead!)
Sieghard: Yay! I Party! I'm going to get drunk and laid!
DM (Me): At a child's birthday party?
Sieghard: Yes
DM: Nice...
More into the conversation
Sieghard: I should be invited, I'm a pirate and he likes pirates. Perhaps its just a passing phase
DM: We can only hope.
----------------------------
Sieghard: I hope he doesn't become a pirate, because then I'll have to kill him
DM: Hmm, sad that. You'll have to kill a 9-year old
"Silly:" The barbarian gnome turned wood elf with an intelligence draining cursed returning throwing axe.
The group had just returned from a quest in which the gnome had been turned into a wood elf. After realizing she has an emerald worth 5000gp, she decides it's time to visit the mage shop.
DM: Welcome to Abe's Mage Emporium! How can Abe be of service to the customer today?
PC1: We're looking to get these identified. *dumps 4 rings on the table*
DM: Abe will charge the customer 420gp for the identification!
*PC1 and 'Abe' haggle for five minutes, all while 'Abe' talks in the third person*
Silly OOC: *excited* Wait, Abe is speaking in the third person!! *pause* Why did it take me five minutes to realize that?? :embarrass
As the session begins, three players (including myself) are new to the group, which is currently fleeing from a hoard of woargs (about 7 or 8 of them, and a cliffhanger from the previous session). It should be noted that this is something of a hybrid setting; mostly Greyhawk but including elements of Dragonlance (mainly a mage guild that dominates the arcane arts) and a few extra twists (as will be readily noticeable). The party (and the three of us about to join) are just over the threshold of 2nd level. The party at this point is as follows (if I spell names wrong then I know that at least the DM checks these boards and can correct me, as I urge him to do if needed):
Hess: Male Changeling rogue
Brie: Female human rogue
Zaltar: Human wizard
Typhus: Elf cleric of Correllon Larethon
Victor: NPC fighter/grappler with spiked armor ("abandoned" PC controlled by pseudo-committee)
The party is mounted (on :normal" horses, not trained for combat) and running away. Zaltar casts grease and all but two of the woargs fall down. This prompts Hess to urge a turn and fight strategy. [Note: as this setting involves a "monopoly" on arcane magic, non-arcane casters know little if anything of arcane magic]. Over the next two rounds Victor grabs and squishes a woarg (whilst being enlarged by Zaltar) then squishes another before being killed (D-E-D dead) and Typhus also falls (but still breathes). In the meantime, Hess yells at Zaltar:
Hess: If I knew they'd get back up I wouldn't have said to turn and fight! Why didn't you say they'd get back up?!?
Zaltar is silent on the matter.
Then Hess gets dropped by a woarg.
Just after this, reinforcements arrive. Apparently the party's employer, worried about how long they've taken to return, has hired and sent reinforcements who have just arrived. These reinforcements include:
Decado: Human male monk
Reina: Human female barbarian (amazon with monkey-gripped bigarse axe)
Kaldair: Halfling cleric of Olidimarra (me)
During the ensuing combat all mounts except Kaldair's flee. Why? Kaldair is the only one that bought a war trained mount. The description of said mount on my sheet reads: Riding Dog, Big Green Poodle, "Hulk." As the only battle trained mount, Hulk is the only one that doesn't flee. And, yes, the greenness is from dye, for camoflauge. But Hulk does have the french poodle haircut, and Kaldair does ride him in a military style saddle. Why? To pick up chicks, of course (chicks dig poodles). And while he may look sissy-like, Hulk has a mean bite.
Kaldair summons a monstrous spider which dies (but buys time) while the monk and barbarian enter combat and smash things. Kaldair then notices the wand of cure light wounds on Typhus' belt and proceeds to run up, grap it, and use it to bring the elf back to counsciousness. He awakes to a strange runt (human dominated lands) in a green do-rag holding his wand up and saying "Hey, you looked like you needed this!"
Kaldair drops the wand on top of Typhus (don't want to tick off somebody bigger than me) and proceeds to run over to Hess. A moment later Hess (back in his "natural" changeling form) wakes to see the same halfling standing over him.
Hess: Who the hell are you?!?
Kaldair: I am Kaldair, cleric of Olidimarra and adventurer extraordinaire!
Hess: Olidima----ah. Oli, he and I are tight! Great to meeet you!
*Hess reverts to the form of an attractive human, having been in his natural shape before*
Shortly later, the party has rested and, newcomers introduced and accepted, decides where to go. On Hess' suggestion we go by the woods to avoid ambushes by the evil wizard that had summonned the woargs (and associated minions). Out of nowhere, assasin vines snatch up Decado and Kaldair. Decado escapes the grapple, but Kaldair (with his grapple penalty) doesn't. Combat ensues, Kaldair is grievously injured until Zaltar utters the words...
"I grease the halfling."
DM: "*SQUIRT*"
Kaldair escapes and a collective "Eewwww" is utterred. Everybody runs back to the road. Camp, rest, and more road travel ensues. Upon approach to Bridgeport, where the party is headed, it is noted that there are a pair of menacing statues [gargoyles] alongside the road that weren't there before. A plan arises to go around them as a rider is noticed to be approaching.
Hess: Let him approach, I wanna see what happens!
The majority of the party hides in the nearby shrubbery as the rider is identified as "Chuck." Apparently Chuck is a fighter minion of the BBEG wizard that the party has previously, apparently under Hess' ringleadership, beaten, stripped nekkid, and sent back to his master. The only two left in the road are Typhus and Reina. Recognizing Typhus from before, Chuck charges him, whistling as he passes the gargoyles. The gargoyles take flight to back up Chuck. A collective "dammit" is utterred amongst the party (all level 2). Chuck charges Typhus, grievously injuring him. Kaldair moves to heal Typhus (after all, I may be CN but if the only other cleric goes down then who's gonna heal me?) as Reina engages the gargoyles and Hess tosses alchemists' fire to set Chuck aflame. Reina hits Chuck's horse with her ginormous axe then Decado declares a Stunning Fist attack on the horse; the horse saves but all the rest of the PCs see is Decado punching the horse and the horse falling (normal damage finished it).
Hess: That is friggin' awesome! He punched out a horse!
Chuck is now on the ground and on fire. Zaltar loudly suggests not allowing Chuck to get away this time, since he's come back already. Hess suggests otherwise: "I've got plans for Chuck!"
Kaldair moves to heal Reina who, whilst raging, ignores any damage (albeit grivious) whilst raging and engaged in direct combat with a CR 4 gargoye (lvl 2 Brb); Kaldair spends the next 5 rounds healing the meat shield as she slugs it out and doesn't hit nearly often enough with her oversized axe (running out of prepared spells to spontaneously cast and reverting to scrolls).
After Decado KOs Chuck's horse, Chuck falls, stops, drops, and rolls. This gives Hess time to run over and say "Hey, Chuck, remember me? Do yourself a favor and stay down!" and draws his sap. As Chuck attempts to stand from prone, he provokes no less than 4 attacks of opportunity (including Kaldair, who wields a longspear). The only two who elect to take the AoOs, though, are Hess (who wants Chuck alive) and Reina (the raging barbarian that is attacking anything hostile within reach). Hess has higher initiative and rolld a critical hit and confirms it.
Hess: I told you to stay down!
*Hess rolls damage, including sneak attack [flanking] and crit bonus*
Hess' player: ****
Me (across table from Hess' player and seeing roll): HOLY ****!!!
DM: Huh?
Other player: He just rolled max damage!
[yes, Hess achieved the much sought after max crit]
Everybody: Well, he told him to stay down...
DM: Reina still has her AoO, which happens simultaneously.
High rolls ensue.
DM: Okay...there's the sound of crunching metal and a spray of red mist as everybody notices Reina splitting Chuck's chest [and armor] like a tin can in a blender. Chuck is now quite decidely dead.
Hess is disappointed, but sheds no tears as he flanks the second gargoyle. After receiving a fifth healing spell from Kaldair, Reina crits a power attack on a gargoyle with her monkey gripped greataxe...resulting in (IIRC) 74 damage (as a lvl 2 character). Gargoyle dies instantly, other flies away, despite getting hit by an arrow and bolt (crit bolt) from Typhus and Kaldair, respectively.
So we didn't get to humiliate Chuck further, but gained a moral victory, and my character startled two others as an introduction. That's a pretty darn good start to me...
Farmer (from whom they're buying the cart and horse): All together, the horse and the cart cost me ninety gold pieces.
*We quickly debated that we should split the gold and after doing some 'air division' I figured out that ninety divided by four was 22.2 barred, so my younger sister (playing a human druid named Adelaide) started these lines:
Adelaide: I'll pay twenty-four gold, and the rest of you can pay twenty-two.
Me: (in an agreeing, contented voice) Zat seems fair.
Adelaide: Actually, no, it isn't.
Faustus: I never knew my mother really, I was too young...
Prince (OOC): Well that explains a lot...why he keeps a skeleton of a loved one in a suitcase....waiiiiiiiiiiit...sense motive...and please tell me Darling is NOT his mother
All:
The set up: I'm currently playing in a wilderness campain [as a NG Fighter/Ceric [human] named Dren]. The wizard involved is a Elf Wizard. And we just encoutered two Needlefolk.
DM: [to Wizard] Alright...you hear something that sounds like like sand being thrown as a cloud of what you think looks like needles goes shooting past you, narrowly missing you.
Wizard: [who's turn was coincidently next] *moves* I hide behind Dren.
Me: *accidently overlooking this obvious set-up* *rolls a Spot Check [19] and then fires crossbow dealing the Needlefolk 4 dmg*
----A few turns later-----
DM: [to Wizard again] Natural 20....
Wizard: But I'm hiding behind Dren!
DM: Oh yeah....Roll Concealment
Wizard: *makes it* Yes!
DM: [to me] You take 17 points of sticking, needly damage as she hides behind you.
Me: Great...well Human Shield is a promotion from "Party B----..."
DM: "...and to the south is the Trollbark Forest"
Ranger: (Rolls Knowledge Nature: 8) Yeah, I got no idea...
Paladin: (Rolls Knowledge Nature: 11, -4 for untrained=7) "Oh right! Trolls, those are the big guys, kind of like dragons, they have a breath weapon."
Ranger: "No, no, they're quadrapeds with leaves coming out of their ears. Thus Troll Bark. But you're right about their breath weapon."
Warlock: "Their breath weapon is...bark?"
Paladin: "And that's why they say their bark is worse than their bite!"
Soulknife: "They talk? But they're trees..."
Ranger: "It's said ABOUT them...it's a Troll Saying, said About trolls, not BY them."
Paladin: "Wait! No, you're thinking about something else, Trolls are the furry hyena-looking dogmen with axes. They have a ridiculous language that only they ever bother to learn."
Ranger: "Quadrapeds? They ARE Hyenas."
Paladin: "I think they go on all fours for faster movement. They must hold their axe in their mouth while they run, I suppose. Oh, and they can wear armor. Very dangerous."
DM:
but anyways
4 fire beetles attacked party (i want someone to crunch the probability of the three masochists in one turn) first beetle rolled a 1,8 no damage at all. 2nd rolled 1,8 no damage either way 3rd rolled 20,1 normal damage to tank 4th one 1,8 no damage either way. ( iroll in th open so the players saw)
players: wow.
later that evening group got attacked by 3 orcs. 1st two died third rolled 1,18 abd killed himself
Player 1: Alright me so scurry he kill self(IC the lumox of the group)
Originally posted by Psionichamster
namaste'
the hamster
(btw, Go Raz! Lie, Cheat, and Steal to Get Ahead!)
I am SO sigging this! Thank you! :D
that, and "Cheat to Win" are personal mantras of mine.
and especially appropriate w/ my new Gnomish Beguiler.
namaste'
the hamster
If you ignore the possibility of all the PC's might kill each other by accident or design
Strong Hero: A female Weren ex-officer that acts as the crew's 'security'. Likes drinking tea, watching Oprah, and ripping apart large arachnids with her bare claws.
Fast Hero: A Bioreplica of a human with some fighter pilot's skills and personality. Hates Terminator movies and Isaac Assimov out of general principle, however he has a fondness for squirrels.
Tough Hero: A Dralasite that operates as the crew's 'space monkey' complete with cigar and attitude. Occasionally hides in barrels, air ducts, refigerator, and broom clostets.
Smart Hero: The only Human guy on board, he is the crew's techno wiz, engineer, and resident occult expert. At least ninety percent of the crew's jokes are on him complete with references to Gordon Freemen.
Dedicated Hero: A Sesheyan doctor who is not a racists, since he hates everybody equally and may only be alive because he's the only one willing to help the crew. Tends to turn down the lights in ER.
The Charismatic Hero: The only other female of the crew is a feline moreau that is a constant gambler and slick deal maker. Got hooked up with the crew when she single-handedly duped the port authorities into thinking they had the wrong ship.
-Situation 1: Vagrants needed for shipping of unlisted cargo.
Dealer: Someone wants to open this box, this box must not be opened under any circumstances, and I think you will do good to protect this box.
Strong: Why do you say that?
Dealer: I just watched you rip two guys in half that said soccer
.-Situation 2: In which a robot rebels.
Military Officer: Unit 238, you are coming with us to fight against the Midzarian forces.
Fast: Yeah....the same Midzarian forces that aided the government's secret genetic projects that could be considered illegal everywhere else so you fabricated a coup in order to have a reason to attack them.
MO: No we did not!
Fast: You didn't? Oh, my...HEY WHAT'S THAT? *Points behind officer*
MO: What's wha? *looks behind*
Fast: Yoink! *runs off*
MO:......I'm so gonna be court marshalled...
-Situation 3: In which two guys talk about a problem.
Tough: Maybe I shouldn't have lit up that can...
Smart: It clearly said EXPLOSIVE on the side, what made you think you could do that without getting noticed?
Tough: I can change my body shape and look like another Dralasite.
Smart: But you're the ONLY Dralasite around!!!
Tough: You see, that's why you're the brains of the outfit. You think of these things. But you forget one thing.
Smart: What's that?
Tough: You were so smart, why didn't you tell me there weren't any Dralasites around?
Smart: YOU HAD HANDS COVERING MY HEAD!!!
Tough: Excuses excuses.
-Situation 4: The Doctor Is In
Smart: Aaaagh, ohhh that guy shot me in the leg!
Dedicated: Are you in pain?
Smart: Yes! Can you help me?
Dedicated: Certainly. *gets a gun and arms it* Now would you like to be alone or should I do the administering?
Smart:
I don't want to die!Dedicated: Oh well, are you in pain?
Smart: YES! But I want to LIVE!!!
Dedicated: Sheesh, picky picky picky.
-Situation 5: Obligatory Cat Girl
MO: Excuse me, have you seen a bioreplica robot running about?
Charismatic: Plenty of times! But I suppose a strong...sturdy...fine specimen of masculinity must be wanting to know about one nearby that has been running recently.
MO: Ye..yes....
Charismatic: Well, I did see one run into that bar over there. After you get settled with it, maybe you can get settled...with me?
MO: YES! *runs into the bar...which is a Weren Only Bar....screams ensue*
Fast: Wow. You're good.
Charismatic: I know.
-Situation 6: Call me the Witch Doctor
Dedicated: Now I suppose I should administer some anasthesia.
Smart: Good idea, I have an extremely low tolerance for pain.
Dedicated: BUT! I won't.
Smart: WHA!?
Dedicated: Because I want to hear you SCREAM HUMAN! I want to hear every curse and cry for your maternal figure! I want to hear you BEG for it all to end!
Smart:
Dedicated: But I suppose I might as well administer those that numbing stuff.
Smart: Whew.
Dedicated: Because you would only scream....LIKE A SISSY GIRL! :D
Smart: WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR ARE YOU?!
Dedicated: A witch doctor
ShowA d20 future game has recently started and it's looking good
If you ignore the possibility of all the PC's might kill each other by accident or design
Strong Hero: A female Weren ex-officer that acts as the crew's 'security'. Likes drinking tea, watching Oprah, and ripping apart large arachnids with her bare claws.
Fast Hero: A Bioreplica of a human with some fighter pilot's skills and personality. Hates Terminator movies and Isaac Assimov out of general principle, however he has a fondness for squirrels.
Tough Hero: A Dralasite that operates as the crew's 'space monkey' complete with cigar and attitude. Occasionally hides in barrels, air ducts, refigerator, and broom clostets.
Smart Hero: The only Human guy on board, he is the crew's techno wiz, engineer, and resident occult expert. At least ninety percent of the crew's jokes are on him complete with references to Gordon Freemen.
Dedicated Hero: A Sesheyan doctor who is not a racists, since he hates everybody equally and may only be alive because he's the only one willing to help the crew. Tends to turn down the lights in ER.
The Charismatic Hero: The only other female of the crew is a feline moreau that is a constant gambler and slick deal maker. Got hooked up with the crew when she single-handedly duped the port authorities into thinking they had the wrong ship.
-Situation 1: Vagrants needed for shipping of unlisted cargo.
Dealer: Someone wants to open this box, this box must not be opened under any circumstances, and I think you will do good to protect this box.
Strong: Why do you say that?
Dealer: I just watched you rip two guys in half that said soccer
-Situation 2: In which a robot rebels.
Military Officer: Unit 238, you are coming with us to fight against the Midzarian forces.
Fast: Yeah....the same Midzarian forces that aided the government's secret genetic projects that could be considered illegal everywhere else so you fabricated a coup in order to have a reason to attack them.
MO: No we did not!
Fast: You didn't? Oh, my...HEY WHAT'S THAT? *Points behind officer*
MO: What's wha? *looks behind*
Fast: Yoink! *runs off*
MO:......I'm so gonna be court marshalled...
-Situation 3: In which two guys talk about a problem.
Tough: Maybe I shouldn't have lit up that can...
Smart: It clearly said EXPLOSIVE on the side, what made you think you could do that without getting noticed?
Tough: I can change my body shape and look like another Dralasite.
Smart: But you're the ONLY Dralasite around!!!
Tough: You see, that's why you're the brains of the outfit. You think of these things. But you forget one thing.
Smart: What's that?
Tough: You were so smart, why didn't you tell me there weren't any Dralasites around?
Smart: YOU HAD HANDS COVERING MY HEAD!!!
Tough: Excuses excuses.
-Situation 4: The Doctor Is In
Smart: Aaaagh, ohhh that guy shot me in the leg!
Dedicated: Are you in pain?
Smart: Yes! Can you help me?
Dedicated: Certainly. *gets a gun and arms it* Now would you like to be alone or should I do the administering?
Smart:
Dedicated: Oh well, are you in pain?
Smart: YES! But I want to LIVE!!!
Dedicated: Sheesh, picky picky picky.
-Situation 5: Obligatory Cat Girl
MO: Excuse me, have you seen a bioreplica robot running about?
Charismatic: Plenty of times! But I suppose a strong...sturdy...fine specimen of masculinity must be wanting to know about one nearby that has been running recently.
MO: Ye..yes....
Charismatic: Well, I did see one run into that bar over there. After you get settled with it, maybe you can get settled...with me?
MO: YES! *runs into the bar...which is a Weren Only Bar....screams ensue*
Fast: Wow. You're good.
Charismatic: I know.
-Situation 6: Call me the Witch Doctor
Dedicated: Now I suppose I should administer some anasthesia.
Smart: Good idea, I have an extremely low tolerance for pain.
Dedicated: BUT! I won't.
Smart: WHA!?
Dedicated: Because I want to hear you SCREAM HUMAN! I want to hear every curse and cry for your maternal figure! I want to hear you BEG for it all to end!
Smart:
Dedicated: But I suppose I might as well administer those that numbing stuff.
Smart: Whew.
Dedicated: Because you would only scream....LIKE A SISSY GIRL! :D
Smart: WHAT KIND OF A DOCTOR ARE YOU?!
Dedicated: A witch doctor
Anyway, here's one of mine. We were on our way to aid negotiations with a king and trading company. Someone didn't want it to go through, as a flaming cart loaded with some sort of explosive material. Here we are (Using our classes in place of our names):
Wizard: Anyone have any water creation spells?
Sorcerer: Unfortunately, we don't have a cleric, period. Stinks huh?
Ninja: ...I jump in front of the cart!
Party: What?!
Ninja: (OOC) He's a ninja! His Reflex save is through the roof!
Ranger: Isn't someone going to stop him (Ninja) from getting run over?
Sorcerer: I could make a colored veil. Granted, neither one stops fire or oncoming traffic, but it's worth a shot.
Ranger: Well, okay...
Ninja (To DM): Okay, I try to sabotage the cart's wheels with my shuriken.
DM: Make your attack roll.
Ninja: ...A 7. Crud, I missed, didn't I.
DM: Yep
Ranger: Okay, now will someone help him?
Wizard: I rush in front of the cart!
Sorcerer: What?
Wizard: I've got a spell that can stop it, right?
Sorcerer: You of all people should know!
DM: Aaaannd you're too late. The cart flies past you, flattening the two people in front of it. Guys, roll for damage.
I'd guess he's the Smart.
Nah I'd guess the charismatic hero, how she got into the party just sounds like it's up rickiels roleplaying skills alley, a bit of a tongue twister for you there.
Glinfaëwyn: Elven rogue
#3571/Cuddles: Barbed Devil
Damion: Human Wizard
Barsad: Elven Paladin
Kano: Elven Fighter
About to be ambushed...
Me: Everyone, roll spot & listen checks.
*Everyone rolls*
Cuddles: OOC I rolled a 5 for spot and for listen I got a critical failure somewhere in the negatives.
Glin: Your eardrums explode.
Fighting the Wyvern that ambushed them...
Barsad: OOC Yay! I hit it! :D
DM: Ok, you give the Wyvern a haleberd to the face.
Damion: OOC But the wyvern was facing away from him!
DM: Ok, you give the Wyvern a haleberd to the butt.
Damion: OOC You spanked the wyvern? You kinky paladin!
Everyone:
Trying to find a kobold camp. Entering a cave, they find a solitary kobold. Cuddles is elsewhere, so it's up to Damien to talk to it in Draconic.
Damion (Draconic): Get out of here!
Kobold (Draconic):But there's wyvernses out there, and big nasty ogre tribes! They kill Jaslakk!
Damion (Draconic): GO! Or I'll Barbeque ya!
*Kobold Runs*
A few minutes later, Glin returns from searching the cave: So, did you learn the way to the kobold camp?
Cuddles summons up twelve lemures and sends them off in twelve directions to find the Kobold.
Glin: Remember to tell them to bring him back here.
Cuddles: Yes mommy.
Cuddles using telepathy at the lemures: Bring the little kobold back here!
Barsad: Alive!
Cuddles using telepathy: Dead or alive!
[b]DM:[b] An hour later, one of the fleshy abominations returns with a headless Jaslakk in its bloated arms.
Damion OOC: You suck!
Cuddles: Good lesser Devil! *pets it, then draws his sword* I reward you with an honourable death! :D
Lemure:
SquelchAfter following the lemure's trail, they ambush the kobold camp...
Cuddles: OOC I take out the first kobold with my first claw attack and now I'm attacking the other claw!
Me: Wait, there's only one kobold next to you!
Cuddles: OOC I already took it off the board. *holds up brown counter*
Me: That's a tree, Kristoff.
Important characters:
Ilmryn: Human Monk
Dassak: DMPC Troll Barbarian
NPC Town Crier
We were in a bar in Duskwood, drinking a little, except Ilmryn who was plastered, when the town crier started yelling.
Crier: Undead! There are undead attacking!
Ilmryn: *stumbles out of bar, hitting both doorposts, while not spilling a drop from his tankard of beer* Undead? Where?
Crier: From the South!
Ilmryn: Alright! *starts running North*
Crier: No, that way!
Ilmryn: Oh, OK! *takes a swig of beer, spins a total of 540 degrees (1 and 1/2 spins) and runs off at 400ft per round*
After stumbling down the road at blazing speed, he sees the Troll
Dassak: Hey mon, what's up?
Ilmryn: Im going to fight undead!
Dassak: Where be those, mon?
Ilmryn: *takes a swig* That way! *stumbles around, pointing in about 7 different directions*
My character, catching up a little and yelling: TO THE SOUTH!
Ilmryn: Yeah, that's right! *Turns toward the South, trips on his feet, and falls on his back, still spilling no beer*
Dassak: Whoa mon, you're too drunk to fight.
Ilmryn: Too drunk? If anything, I'm not drunk enough. All I need is a drink and some undead to beat up!
Dassak:...You still have a drink in yer hand mon.
Ilmryn: *glances at the tankard in his hand* Great, now all I need is some undead to beat up!
There may have been a bit more, but my memory escapes me. More fun is sure to come.
Ahh, so I'm not the only fan of Full Frontal Nerdity around here. That's perhaps the best line from an all around hilarious comic. Great usage of it too.
And here's the original strip for those unfamiliar with it... :D
http://archive.gamespy.com/comics/nodwick/ffn/ffn019.htm
Setup: While subbing as the party fighter [until we could intro my Druid into the campain [and while his usual player was gone]] I'd been grappled by a large web-weaving spider in an old building. The encounter went like this:
DM: Roll a Strength check.
Me: *rolls insanely high, plus an additional four bonus*
DM: And...the spider fails to spin you as it's spraying you with web.
Me: [OCC] Spider Bukkake!
Party: :OMG!
Spider Bukkake comes up more than my DM would care to hear now...especially when anyone mentions the possibilities of spiders.
And in a Eberron campain I'm in [as a kleptomaniac Warforged Rouge]:
DM: And....he cleaves your torso in two...[in his defense the Orc Barabarian was only a CR 1...and my character was a level 2]
Me[OCC]: Good news everybody! Just cast 'Light' on my eye sockets and you'll have a Bullseye Lantern!
The party then later left the body and only took the head so that he can be rebuilt later. Luckily for me I had rolled up a Half-Orc Monk [because we needed a party tank, and I like Monks] who was there, and does a very nice amount of damage [it does help that he's a Level two with twenty Strength
].Me (OOC): "Well it's your fault that you didn't have the wisdom to be born with draconic blood."
Inside a restaurant when gangsters attack
Fast: I am going to walk up behind... gangster #1, put my gun to his head, and pull the trigger.
DM: Okay, make an attack roll.
Fast: (Rolls)... four, but I rolled a one.
DM: Okay, you missed.
Fast: What do you mean, I missed? I put my 9mm Glock to his head and pulled the trigger. How do you miss that?
DM: It doesn't matter. You missed.
Fast: (staring daggers) How?
DM: ... you slipped on a mop.
Since then, every time the rules fail to coincide with reality, this player has brought up the 'slipped on a mop' incident, citing it as an argument against the D&D rules.
Most of the famous running gags come from OOC discussions of in-game topics. My personal favorite, detailed below, happened during a modern game in which I (the DM) was teaching several people that were new to the game. One of them, a fast character, would go on to remain the root of many of these discussions.
Inside a restaurant when gangsters attack
Fast: I am going to walk up behind... gangster #1, put my gun to his head, and pull the trigger.
DM: Okay, make an attack roll.
Fast: (Rolls)... four, but I rolled a one.
DM: Okay, you missed.
Fast: What do you mean, I missed? I put my 9mm Glock to his head and pulled the trigger. How do you miss that?
DM: It doesn't matter. You missed.
Fast: (staring daggers) How?
DM: ... you slipped on a mop.
Since then, every time the rules fail to coincide with reality, this player has brought up the 'slipped on a mop' incident, citing it as an argument against the D&D rules.
Technically, if the ganger was somehow considered Helpless, you don't roll attack. You don't even roll damage - it's an auto-crit, and maximized damage.
So we're fighting these regenerating vassals of Tarrasque, and the gunslinger's charmed one of them into being really, really helpful...
Gunslinger: "Gregory! Take their heads off!"
Gregory: *Coup de grace* "You'd be surprised how often that's the answer..."
Show
Strong Hero: A female Weren ex-officer that acts as the crew's 'security'. Likes drinking tea, watching Oprah, and ripping apart large arachnids with her bare claws.
Fast Hero: A Bioreplica of a human with some fighter pilot's skills and personality. Hates Terminator movies and Isaac Assimov out of general principle, however he has a fondness for squirrels.
Tough Hero: A Dralasite that operates as the crew's 'space monkey' complete with cigar and attitude. Occasionally hides in barrels, air ducts, refigerator, and broom clostets.
Smart Hero: The only Human guy on board, he is the crew's techno wiz, engineer, and resident occult expert. At least ninety percent of the crew's jokes are on him complete with references to Gordon Freemen.
Dedicated Hero: A Sesheyan doctor who is not a racists, since he hates everybody equally and may only be alive because he's the only one willing to help the crew. Tends to turn down the lights in ER.
The Charismatic Hero: The only other female of the crew is a feline moreau that is a constant gambler and slick deal maker. Got hooked up with the crew when she single-handedly duped the port authorities into thinking they had the wrong ship.
Strong Hero: A female Weren ex-officer that acts as the crew's 'security'. Likes drinking tea, watching Oprah, and ripping apart large arachnids with her bare claws.
Fast Hero: A Bioreplica of a human with some fighter pilot's skills and personality. Hates Terminator movies and Isaac Assimov out of general principle, however he has a fondness for squirrels.
Tough Hero: A Dralasite that operates as the crew's 'space monkey' complete with cigar and attitude. Occasionally hides in barrels, air ducts, refigerator, and broom clostets.
Smart Hero: The only Human guy on board, he is the crew's techno wiz, engineer, and resident occult expert. At least ninety percent of the crew's jokes are on him complete with references to Gordon Freemen.
Dedicated Hero: A Sesheyan doctor who is not a racists, since he hates everybody equally and may only be alive because he's the only one willing to help the crew. Tends to turn down the lights in ER.
The Charismatic Hero: The only other female of the crew is a feline moreau that is a constant gambler and slick deal maker. Got hooked up with the crew when she single-handedly duped the port authorities into thinking they had the wrong ship.
Izar: Half-Elf sorcerer.
Xander: Elf cleric.
Graver: Rakasta Lich
Izar: "I got mugged today."
Xander: "You find this amusing?"
Izar: "First time for everything and when you're half-expecting something-"
Xander: "For you, everything is half."
Xander: "Of course we stand out. The mage with the flaming hair looks like Carrot Top, the dog carries a knife bigger then he is, Marcus knaws on tree bark all morning, and the paladin bears a mark by the Santa's Little Helper of the gods. I almost feel left out and have to run my mouth just to keep up."
Izar: "Admitting the problem is the first step to solving it."
Xander: "Shut up Carrot Top before I put your hair out."
Graver: "Where are you going?"
Izar: "The Citadel."
Graver: "Why?"
Party: "... ... ..."
Xander: "... seemed like a good idea at the time."
Graver: "What questions did you need to ask at the Citadel?"
Xander: "Are you a paladin of the Citadel?"
Graver: "No."
Xander: "Then don't worry about it."
Graver: "I slept at a Motel 6 and I think that should count for something."
DM: "Xander, the party catches up with you and you notice that they're all wearing new elven crafted armor."
Xander: "It's like Elf Eye For The Adventuring Guy."
Scorcerer: "Sweet Lord, make it stop! What did I ever do to anger the Day Star?"
Paladin: "That's what you get for not wearing enough Sunblock, SPF is really your touch ac VS sunlight."
DM: "You're in a beautiful tropical beach, the air has a cool breeze and the sun is beating down on you" *rolls dice* "It hits you."
Scorcerer: "Sweet Lord, make it stop! What did I ever do to anger the Day Star?"
Paladin: "That's what you get for not wearing enough Sunblock, SPF is really your touch ac VS sunlight."
Rofl... I've got one.
DM: ok, you're standing at the far end of the cave. At the other end is a kobold, a single, lonely kobold.
Dumb-Fighter: I charge it.
DM: It reaches down, pulls a lever... *rolls some dice*... Your reflex save isn't more than 30 is it? No? take... I need to borrow some D6's... 140 damage.
FEAR the lone kobold trapmaster!
I could go on about how my party is deathly afraid of pit traps, dark holes, and green water...
Tyclus: male elf cleric of Corellon Larethon
Brie: female human rogue (13 year old noble scion, 4'9" aspiring assasin)
Zaltar: male human wizard
Decado: male human monk, worshipper of Heironious
Reina: female human barbarian, think amazon
Kaldair: halfling cleric of Olidimarra
The other character, Hess (changeling rogue) wasn't present because his player couldn't make it.
The party approaches city gates. Three guards seem standard and unimpressive common town guards, though the fourth wears shining full plate emblazoned with a lightning bolt (unclear if he's actually a paladin, but obviously serves the church of Heironious). As he prominently displays a similar symbol, Decado takes the lead, approaching and flashing the "Heironioan salute" and begins conversing with the knight. As he's nervous in these heavily human dominated lands, Kaldair decides to blend in.
Kaldair: (OOC) I tuck my holy symbol into my armor and ride up beside Decado, mimicking him to act is if I'm a fellow warrior of Heironious. Bluff check of 24.
DM: You ride up and make the salute fine, but the knight looks at you funny.
Knight: (to Decado) Is he with you?
Decado: He travels with me, but he's not a follower of Heironious and I have no idea why he's doing that.
Knight: Why's he riding a fluffy green dog? Can't afford a real horse?
Decado: None of us have a clue.
Kaldair: Hey! Hulk is a well trained fierce beast of war!
*weird looks from all*
*Kaldair rides to the back of the party mumbling about uptight Heironious worshippers and human racial prejudice*
As the party enters the gates, Kaldair asks the knight if he can recommend and inns in town with attractive halfling wenches (he embraces Olidimarra's love of wine, women and song quite enthusiastically when not actively adventuring).
DM: He gives you a weird look and says no.
Kaldair: What about gnome wenches? They're almost as good.
DM: He rolls his eyes and turns around as the gates close behind you.
Kaldair: Uptight jerk!
The party arrives at the Iron Fist inn, where we're to meet our contact and deliver a message. Zaltar is at first apprehensive about the establishment, citing that it's name doesn't imply that it'll meet his tastes, but he's pleasantly surprised to find that it's a large, well appointed building in a fairly upscale neighborhood. Kaldair, being the only one mounted (hey, short legs) stables Hulk, again getting weird looks from the stable staff for riding a dog and again muttering about human ignorance of noting such a fine and well bred steed, then joins the others inside just as Zaltar is finishing a brief conversation with the bartender.
Kaldair: (OOC) Any halfling women?
DM: No.
Kaldair: Any gnome women?
DM: No.
Tyclus: (OOC) Next he'll be asking about goblins since they're short too!
DM: And before you ask, no dwarf women either.
Kaldair orders decent wine, specifying he wants "a large." The bartender leans over the counter to give him another funny look (nothing in this place is on a scale remotely appropriate for the 3'1" halfling) but, after money is tossed up and onto the counter Kaldair has a goblet of wine roughly the size of his own head and goes off to follow Brie to join Decado, who has located our contact.
Decado (looking down at the teenager and halfling): I can handle this, you two run along. *pats them on the head and waves dismissively*
Kaldair: Ah, but you notice that our host and his companions are drinking, and have been for some time as it seems. You don't seem like the type that knows much about that.
Tyclus: (OOC) And you do? You're probably drunk already with that much wine!
Kaldair: (OOC) Fort save...18 plus mods...21. Am I drunk?
DM: You don't feel any effects. Yet.
Everybody sits down at the table, though Kaldair actually climbs up the chair and only his eyes and nose stick up over the table, at just the right angle to view everybody from under the bulb of his wine goblet.
Decado: Should we get you a booster seat or something?
Kaldair: Bah! I have my dignity! *stands up to take a swig of wine then sits back down.*
There's another interesting moment, but I've gotta figure out how to properly abbreviate it.
Rofl... I've got one.
DM: ok, you're standing at the far end of the cave. At the other end is a kobold, a single, lonely kobold.
Dumb-Fighter: I charge it.
DM: It reaches down, pulls a lever... *rolls some dice*... Your reflex save isn't more than 30 is it? No? take... I need to borrow some D6's... 140 damage.
FEAR the lone kobold trapmaster!
I could go on about how my party is deathly afraid of pit traps, dark holes, and green water...
Also, fear the lone Kobold trapmaster's descendant: A Lone Member of the Army Core of Combat Engineers, with his finger on a button.
Also, fear the lone Kobold trapmaster's descendant: A Lone Member of the Army Core of Combat Engineers, with his finger on a button.
Amen, amen, this is most certainly true.
Here are a few situations that the above line has preceded several times.
My character: Kenneth O'Drinnan. An aristocratic 1st-level gnome bard with a taste for the finer things in life. Incredibly intelligent, but very low wisdom. He does know a whole lot, but presumptiously believes he knows far more than he actually does.
Approached the carcass of a just-defeated darkmantle in the Underdark.
Kenneth (OOC): I roll a Knowledge check to see if we can find out what it is, or what its weaknesses are, in case we see it again. Rolls a natural one.
DM: You look at it, but have no idea what it could be.
Kenneth: Raises a finger in the air. This creature seems to be some kind of animal. Likely a mammal. From the surface.
DM: You approach the edge of a ten-foot drop with a large cavern beyond.
Another player (OOC): I begin attaching my grappling hook to a rock and throw the rope over the edge to help us climb down.
Kenneth (OOC): I have a +7 to Tumble. What could possibly go wrong? Rolls natural one.
Kenneth: Holds his rapier aloft and jumps, slipping off the edge.
DM: Rolls for damage. You're at 0 hit points.
Kenneth: Guys, this does indeed seem to be a ten-foot drop.
Combat begins with several fire beeltes
DM: You all notice that the beetles don't seem right. oozing pustules and bruises cover their body, and they lurch from side to side as they move.
Kenneth (OOC): Knowledge check. Rolls low.
DM: You can't determine anything about what's wrong with them.
Kenneth: It seems, everyone, that these beetles are quite possibly sick. A disease of some kind, I would hazard.
Kenneth has a few flasks of hair oil that he uses to keep up appearances. Party is in battle with four Tiny animated statues.
Kenneth: Pulls out handkerchief and flask of hair oil, fashions an impromptu molotov cocktail. Lights it and throws it at statues.
DM: The flask misses, and a splash of the flaming oil only sizzles against the statues.
Kenneth: Grumbles. A waste of perfectly good hair gel.
After having his rapier sundered and dropping his crossbow, Kenneth is forced to conduct attacks with a single crossbow bolt. Surprisingly, he hits several times, defeating two fire beetles. Combat ends.
Fellow party member: Dagger?
Kenneth: Eyes him quizzically, quirks an eyebrow. No, crossbow bolt.
Fellow party member: Takes out a dagger, offers it to Kenneth. Dagger?
Kenneth: Oh. Looks from the offered dagger to his own crossbow bolt, slayer of two beetles. No thanks, I'm good.
Kenneth has a few flasks of hair oil that he uses to keep up appearances. Party is in battle with four Tiny animated statues.
Kenneth: Pulls out handkerchief and flask of hair oil, fashions an impromptu molotov cocktail. Lights it and throws it at statues.
DM: The flask misses, and a splash of the flaming oil only sizzles against the statues.
Kenneth: Grumbles. A waste of perfectly good hair gel.
Why do I suddenly get the image of Kenneth saying "I don't want FOP! I'm a Dapper Dan man damn it!"
Why do I suddenly get the image of Kenneth saying "I don't want FOP! I'm a Dapper Dan man damn it!"
Hah! You, sir, get a cookie for that reference.
Kee, the lycanthropic arctic werefox TWF-ing fighter
Ythylfel, the undead-hating, low-Wis wood elf
The monolingual duergar TWF-ing battlepriest whose name escapes me
Endela, the party wizard
Hank, the tankish fighter
The party samurai and his henchmen
Gork, the ancient evil whose summoning must be averted
Sadra, the PCs' employer, whom Y has not yet met
(Ythylfel has appeared in the wizard's tower next to the party out of thin air)
Kee: Where did you come from?
Ythylfel: I'm not sure. My wizard master said he had developed a better teleport spell. Apparently it does not work.
Kee: Well, you seem to have gotten here just fine.
Ythylfel: I was trying to go downstars for breakfast.
Kee: Oh.
=====
(later)
Ythylfel: I open the door.
DM: Make a will save.
Ythylfel: *rolls lousy*
DM: You see a large pink bunny on the other side of the doorway.
Ythylfel: Wha? I shoot it.
DM: The arrow goes straight through it.
Ythylfel: AAH! GHOST BUNNY! DIE! *goes crazy with his halberd*
Endela: Ythylfel, it's an illusion!
Y: It's a ghost! Kill it!
DM: Y, make another Will save.
Y: *rolls high*
DM: It's an illusion.
Y: Huh? What happened?
Endela: The rabbit was an illusion, Y.
Y: *whimpers* But it was right there!
Duergar: I walk over to him, say, "The power of Clandeggin compels you!" and smash my holy symbol onto his forehead.
DM: Okay, Y, now you can't even see the illusion anymore.
*later, the party has reached the inner sanctum of the wizard attempting to summon Gork*
DM: The wizard waggles his fingers, and you all see a bunch of giant squirrels pop out of the air.
Y: HA! It's not just me!
Others:
:lightbulb =====
*after Kee downed a minotaur*
DM: A booming voice says, "Damn you! You just killed my best accountant!"
All:
=====
(At this point Hank and Ythelfel are on a side roof of the wizard's tower, fighting a stone golem Y accidentally created)
DM: Y, the golem slams you for 17 damage.
Y: Ouch! Well, I'm still alive.
DM: Your turn now.
Y: Okay, I can't hurt this thing, so I'm going down...
unless ...I back up and use shatter to break the surface under the golem's feet.DM: *rolls an AoO, misses, rolls a Dex check for the golem, fails* the golem tumbles off the tower.
Y: BOO-YAH!
Hank: I jump after the golem.
Y: Wha???
Hank: I wanna kill it!
DM: Okay, take *rolls* eleven damage from the fall. And will you attack?
Hank: Yes. *attack resolves*
DM: *rolls* The golem slams you for...17 more damage.
Hank: Do I need to make a system shock check?
DM: No, that's only if you lose half you hp in one blow.
Y: Oh. That means I need to make a check.
DM: What's your total hp?
Y: 21.
DM:
That golem could have killed you in one hit!Y: *fails the check*
DM: You collapse at -1 hp.
(Hank kills the golem but can't get back up the tower. Hearing shouts for help, the cleric climbs up.)
Y: I'm going to try to bleed out, "help me, please."
DM: *rolls* Cleric, you see Y lying on the ground, bleeding what could almost be words.
(Y is healed)
Kee: So Y, what did we learn from this?
Y: Not to use three wands of kickass at the same time.
=====
(Earlier in the tower, the party found a chest. Inside was a large hunk of steel. Y took it, thinking it might come in handy.)
After the golem fight...
Y: I climb up the outsde of the tower. It'll be faster than navigating the inside.
Others: We're going up the inside.
DM (to Y): Make your Climb attemps.
*Y scales the tower quickly*
DM: There are no entrances from the roof.
Y: Time to smash my way in. I use my wand of kickass on the roof.
DM: Part of the roof glows green and tries o punch you, bu you are too far away.
Y: I do it again.
DM: You want to make anoher stone golem, don't you?
Y: Oh, yeah. I put away the wand and try to chop through with my halberd.
DM: The more you do that, the more you only damage your halberd.
Y: Argh! How can I... :lightbulb I smash my way through the roof with the HUNK OF STEEL!
DM: That'll take a while. *returns to party*
(fastforward to the battle with the wizard, who is at low hp. Y is still rying to break through the roof, and a batle wih a red dragon has weakend the party and laid waster ot the samurai's henchmen. The battle rages, and Kee is about to fall into a vat of acid, when suddenly...)
DM: The roof above the wizard shaters, and in falls Y!
*excitement rising*
Y: I fall on the wizard harpoon-first!! *rolls*
*excitement rising*
DM: A hit!!!
*excitement rising*
Y: YES!!!!
*excitement rising*
DM: ROLL YOUR DAMAGE!!!!!
*excitement rising*
Y: ...3.
DM: Uh...that's not enough.
Y:
(Hank massacres the wizard)
Y: At this point, I am SO frustrated that I start chewing on the wizard.
DM: Right...unforunaely, somehing very bad appears to be happening. the cauldron bubbles, and a giant orcish head rises out of the liquid.
All: ...
DM: It is Gork.
All: OH
!!!DM: Gork's mouth opens, and the speaks. Who here speaks Orc?
Y: I do!
*nobody else does*
Gork: WHAT IS YOUR WISH?
Y (to Gork): My wish is for you to get back in your infernal pocket realm where you belong! *holds up dead wizard* and take this guy with you!
Gork:
NOBODY CARES ABOUT GORK'S FEELINGS.Y: Got that right, Gorkie.
Gork: GRRRRR! GORK IS GETTING ANGRY!
Y: Uh, here, take some tribute. *hands over the hunk of steel*
Gork: *crushes steel between his teeth* MMM, STEEL! GOOOOOD! *disappears in a puff of smoke*
All:
=====
(the party has left the tower)
Sadra: You have stopped Gork? Excellent!
Y: And I still need breakfast. That wizard's shoulder...not good.
Sadra: Uh...right. *edges away from Y*
=====
*an OOC conversation during the wizard battle. Kee is locked in a magic cage over said cauldron, and the party is debating how to rescue him*
Endela: I can cast polymorph other.
Kee: Turn me into a monkey.
Y: A monkey?
Kee: Yeah, so I can wooooaaaaah *strikes ninja pose*
Y: A ninja mokey werefox. With katanas. Right.
Kee: It could work!
Druid: By the gods, you look awful.
Artificer: I'm hungover.
Wizard: But I've never seen you drink?
Artificer: I died again, it's a death hangover.
Psion: Oh, a deathover, those suck.
***
Wizard: What do you mean you're not coming back to the bridge?
Artificer: Last time we went there I died!
Psion: So? Walk it off!
Artificer: You guys don't understand, everytime I come back I'm less powerful. If I die a few more times I might have to go back to grade school or something.
Also, fear the lone Kobold trapmaster's descendant: A Lone Member of the Army Core of Combat Engineers, with his finger on a button.
Have you, by any chance read the Legacy of the Aldenata series by John Ringo? A very good twist on the old "aliens invade the Earth" idea, first book is titled "A Hymn Before Battle." The Posleen (nasty aliens) are fierce but generally (until a general or two gets wiser, later) rely on the overwhelming numbers strategy...humans notice this and start using booby trapping areas they expect to defend (to the tune of several million claymore mines, among other things). One hoard attacks a Core of Engineers base, recognizes the logo (quite clear), stops, and leaves, completely unwilling to get any closer. They figured out who they really don't want to mess with. Infantry and armor? Fine. Engineers? Hell no.
We were running this epic-travel (I call it epic because moving from city to city was TWO MONTHS AWAY, real time!! >.< ) campaign, and in the way we somehow got in between a war of two goblin tribes. As we foguth our way through, my sorcerer had the brillian idea to open the way by fireballing the battlefield.
So, it kinda went like this:
"Guystakecover!... Fireball!"
"Wha--BOOM!--...Oh. The Rogue's dead... Again"
Aglaia: "What happened?"
Charm: "I was ratted out. Stupid thing squealed on me."
Soon, the two men came down and began to wander as though they were looking for a table. Charm heard a skittering noise by her foot, glanced down, and noticed it was the rat. She used her foot to grapple the rat, causing a little squeak to come out. Immediately the men (one of which had the rat as a familiar) walked over next to Charm in super spy fashion and said "You have my rat I believe." Without missing a beat she replied "Funny, I thought I ordered the stew."
...
Different campaign, human fighter Maggie has found out that her sword held the key to unlock a powerful item. The party had found the wizard who coult put the pieces together, and she gleefully handed the blade over, expecting him to simply undo a compartment or something to retrieve. She sat in horror as the wizard proceeded to smash the blade to metal dust (to retrieve a small mythaller gemstone trapped in the blade, but she didn't know). All she could say is
"I hope there's a handkerchief and a 'ta-da' involved in this."
Different campaign, human fighter Maggie has found out that her sword held the key to unlock a powerful item. The party had found the wizard who coult put the pieces together, and she gleefully handed the blade over, expecting him to simply undo a compartment or something to retrieve. She sat in horror as the wizard proceeded to smash the blade to metal dust (to retrieve a small mythaller gemstone trapped in the blade, but she didn't know). All she could say is
"I hope there's a handkerchief and a 'ta-da' involved in this."
Magic sword, or pentultimate cosmic, ancient power?
I'll buy - no, I'll make you a stack of magic swords!
Have you, by any chance read the Legacy of the Aldenata series by John Ringo? A very good twist on the old "aliens invade the Earth" idea, first book is titled "A Hymn Before Battle." The Posleen (nasty aliens) are fierce but generally (until a general or two gets wiser, later) rely on the overwhelming numbers strategy...humans notice this and start using booby trapping areas they expect to defend (to the tune of several million claymore mines, among other things). One hoard attacks a Core of Engineers base, recognizes the logo (quite clear), stops, and leaves, completely unwilling to get any closer. They figured out who they really don't want to mess with. Infantry and armor? Fine. Engineers? Hell no.
Yes, I have. I still haven't finished the series. I have a couple books to go.
That is actually what inspired the post.
Me, using Nevix the formerly human turned female elf rogue, after a failed Fireburst save:
"You killed Him. He's dead AGAIN. Killed by ANOTHER failed reflex save."
Post reincarnation, DM rolling the dice for reincarnation:
"He's a Halfling." Me: "A ****, that means I have to rebuy his equipment."
Me, Post equipment re-buy/stat adjustment: "Well, he's ready again. Now I just have to get rid of the migraine."
After all was said and done, me: "At this rate, my sorcerer will make it into fatespinner before Nevix gets his third level."
Nevix hasn't even survived ONE adventure at second level. Keoland is a killer region to play in.
The "Coin Incident" involving, mainly, Brie but also Kaldair and Decado.
Meeting with our contact is adjourned until the next morning. Brie decides to go pick pockets and slips off. A moment later, as she's slowly walking across the tavern in the general direction of Tyclus and Reina, Decado rents a room and suggests that the bartender "keep an eye" on Brie (annoying lawful characters :P). Brie "accidentally" drops a gold coin under a table and leans down to pick it up, begining to cut the purse strings of a guy sitting at the table. He notices (DM rolled high). Brie palms her knife, but there's still one cut string and a large man is now holding her up by the wrist. Kaldair notices this because he has a clear view under the neighboring table.
Guy: Just what do you think you're doing?
Brie: *indignant* I was just leaning down to pick up the coin that I dropped! I'm on my way to buy a drink!
Guy: Oh, really? Then why did you touch my hip and why is one of my purse strings cut?
Kaldair: *hustling over* Pardon us, please, sir, but this little one can be a bit clumsy at times. I try to keep an eye on her but she slips away sometimes.
Guy: Oh? You're saying you're responsible for her trying to rob me? You should keep a better eye on her!
Brie: I'm not trying to rob you, I just want my coin! I slipped and bumped you!
Kaldair: Hey, if I take a drink this cup blocks my entire field of vision! Don't blame me for this whole towen being so unfriendly to nonhumans! Besides, like she said, she wasn't trying to rob you. I told you already that she's a bit clumsy!
*this continues and begins to show signs of getting ugly. Decado notices and heads over*
DM: Is anybody else going to try to step in?
Zaltar: Nope. I'm too busy enjoying my meal. I've been eating trail rations for too long to leave this.
Tyclus: Heck no. I've been acting like I don't know those two since we came in here!
Reina: I'm eating my meat.
Kaldair: (OOC) I cast invisibility on myself. [trickery domain spell]
Tyclus: (OOC) Oh, like the halfling just disappearing isn't going to be suspiscious!
Decado: I grab them both [Brie and Kaldair]
DM: Okay, before anything happens here, I'm going to need initiatives.
*Decado wins initiatives and grabs us before I can cast my spell...better in the long term, actually*
Kaldair is released as it is determined he hasn't done anything (physically, at least), and Decado ends up dragging Brie to the temple of Heironious (she pouts, protests her innocence, and keeps complaining about her coin the entire way) where they stay the night until an adjudication the next morning. Because of a lack of actual evidence and Decado, as an adventuring companion for the past few weeks, puts in a good word and she's released with a warning to aoid causing trouble in this town in the future.
Brie: I wasn't doing anything wrong! I just wanted my coin, and I never got it!
*Judge rolls his eyes and tosses her a coin*
Brie: *catching coin* Hmph! *sticks nose in the air and storms off.
Brie: (OOC, shortly later) Oh, I know who helped me out and won't forget, but now I've got a couple names on my list of assasination targets [dude and his companion, Brie is working towards the Assasin PrC].
So maybe it's not that funny now, but it caused quite a few laughs around the table, mostly from the attitudes involved.
I approach a smith about this strange metal we found that belongs to a dragon.
Me: "What is this?"
DM: "Well, it's iron, but iron forged at extremely cold temperatures."
Me: *Thinking cold iron* "Can you make a weapon out of it?"
DM OCC: Why do you want to make a weapon out of it, you know the dragon will be furious.
Me OCC: I want him to find me and when he asks for it back, use it to stab his evil heart. I figure the irony alone would kill him.
DM (Me): Can we tie him against the wall and interrogate him?
le'Morde: What? Why?
DM: Because you're actually DOING something other than summoning Owlbear Skeletons and charging headlong into them
Majus: Yeah, it's not like you. Let's tie him against the wall
le'Morde: What do you mean tie me against the wall?!
DM: Well, any of these geometric vertical surfaces should do the trick
DM- Give me a reflex save
Me- Eek, I rolled a 1
DM- An arrow flys out of the trees and strikes you in the shoulder burrying itself, still stuck inside you, to the tree
Me- (OOC) >.>..I am going to get smited for this, (Ingame) I turn into a drow with long white hair and dog ears
DM- (OOC) No, No, BAD Dog *reaches across the table and smites with a metal ruler that actually cuts skin*
My smiting didnt come untill later after we accidently released a demi god..now I had this arrow wound, and failed a will save to stop a probing from these monks with tentacles :coolcthul , and this demi god was a 8 foot tall one, I was the only one that was even remotely hurt..a nice 4 hp
DM- Give me a fort save
Me- O.o why??
(another 1..)party- O.o???
GM- You feel a warm fuzzy feeling inside you
Me- ^.^ Cool?
GM- The demi god's tentacle shoots through the wall and out the front of your chest then begins pulling back, hooking along the way
Party- O.O
GM- Your soul was just removed, you've been smoted
Me- :raincloud
the party killed him and I got to become an incorpal changling rogue ^.^ but I stayed level 4 while the rest of the party got like 6 levels from this CR20 guy
the party killed him and I got to become an incorpal changling rogue ^.^ but I stayed level 4 while the rest of the party got like 6 levels from this CR20 guy
you do realize that since you participated in the attack, no matyter how slightly, you should have gotten an equal share of exp?
At the end of the adventure:
Wizard: You know, it occurs to me that even after all this time traveling, fighting and looting, we still haven't come up with a group name. We need something to call ourselves.
Heyyoo: *Looks up at the sun* We shall be... the Order of the Golden Sun! Like a candle in the darkness, we shall stand as an everlasting bulwark against the black sea of evil! We shall bring hope to the hopeless, truth to the light, and our wrath to the wicked! For yea, verily the gods themselves have decreed it!
Wizard:... Wow. Not only was that a good idea, it sounded completely lucid. Are you feeling alright?
Heyyoo: Ooh, ooh, no wait, I got a better one! We can call ourselves the dancing banannas! Yeah! And when we get into fights, we can confuse the enemy by dressing up in bananna costumes and singing "Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!"
"...Let's not bother with the whole riddle-thing and get on with it. Give me one good reason why I should not eat you, and I'll let you go." says the obviously bored and hungry sphinx.
After a moment of thought, the adventurer, knowing he cannot handle this beast on his own, stares it down and replies, "I have AIDS."
"Oh? So you have companions, then?" it queries through the chuckling DM.
DM: a goblin comes at you with a spear
me (dwarf fighter): i'll try an smack 'im with my warhammer! *rolls 20*
DM: Possible critical?
me: *rolls 20*
:OMG! *gasps all around*
DM: ... ya know, a hammer's an interesting thing... it's not normally meant for cutting something in half...
me: so what about the other goblin then? *trying to maintain control of laughter*
DM: *sound of dice rolling* ... well, judging by this atrociously low fear save, he drops everything, soils himself, and runs away screaming like a little goblin girl
another interesting event occured in the next game... the villian was trying to make a dramtic exit, aims his crossbow at us, and accidently drops it far below from his flying mount
picture something like this:
villian: you haven't seen the last of me you bunch of goodie-- NOO!! AH
that was EXPENSIVE!!!! :headexploShow
Strong Hero: A female Weren ex-officer that acts as the crew's 'security'. Likes drinking tea, watching Oprah, and ripping apart large arachnids with her bare claws.
Fast Hero: A Bioreplica of a human with some fighter pilot's skills and personality. Hates Terminator movies and Isaac Assimov out of general principle, however he has a fondness for squirrels.
Tough Hero: A Dralasite that operates as the crew's 'space monkey' complete with cigar and attitude. Occasionally hides in barrels, air ducts, refigerator, and broom clostets.
Smart Hero: The only Human guy on board, he is the crew's techno wiz, engineer, and resident occult expert. At least ninety percent of the crew's jokes are on him complete with references to Gordon Freemen.
Dedicated Hero: A Sesheyan doctor who is not a racists, since he hates everybody equally and may only be alive because he's the only one willing to help the crew. Tends to turn down the lights in ER.
The Charismatic Hero: The only other female of the crew is a feline moreau that is a constant gambler and slick deal maker. Got hooked up with the crew when she single-handedly duped the port authorities into thinking they had the wrong ship.
MARI: The ship's A.I. that happens to have a personality of a teenage girl going through several phases including Goth, Cheerleader, Boy-Crazy, Girl-Confused-Yet-Attracted-To-Girls-Crazy, Boy-bands, and etc. Might have a crush on the Smart Hero (poor human :D ).
Strong Hero: A female Weren ex-officer that acts as the crew's 'security'. Likes drinking tea, watching Oprah, and ripping apart large arachnids with her bare claws.
Fast Hero: A Bioreplica of a human with some fighter pilot's skills and personality. Hates Terminator movies and Isaac Assimov out of general principle, however he has a fondness for squirrels.
Tough Hero: A Dralasite that operates as the crew's 'space monkey' complete with cigar and attitude. Occasionally hides in barrels, air ducts, refigerator, and broom clostets.
Smart Hero: The only Human guy on board, he is the crew's techno wiz, engineer, and resident occult expert. At least ninety percent of the crew's jokes are on him complete with references to Gordon Freemen.
Dedicated Hero: A Sesheyan doctor who is not a racists, since he hates everybody equally and may only be alive because he's the only one willing to help the crew. Tends to turn down the lights in ER.
The Charismatic Hero: The only other female of the crew is a feline moreau that is a constant gambler and slick deal maker. Got hooked up with the crew when she single-handedly duped the port authorities into thinking they had the wrong ship.
MARI: The ship's A.I. that happens to have a personality of a teenage girl going through several phases including Goth, Cheerleader, Boy-Crazy, Girl-Confused-Yet-Attracted-To-Girls-Crazy, Boy-bands, and etc. Might have a crush on the Smart Hero (poor human :D ).
I would have to thourghlouly agree with you on that. Lets give three cheers to Rickiel and his group to be one of the strangest and most interesting groups on this forum
INTERESTING, not strange!!!
Strange is a Feminazi Dwarf Bard. Although that was an interesting character to have in the campaign.
Smart: With a SPOON?! WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU USE A SPOON?
Dedicated: Because it'll just like it says in one of your ancient human 'movies'. Because it'll hurt more you twit!
Ahh, my favorite line in that entire movie. Congratulations on the great Robin Hood refrence. :D
Smart: Well, when they grappled our ship, I hacked their ship's A.I., shut down their lights, disabled their equipment's visual sensory equipment except for the automated security guns in their ship.
Tough: Oh, well that's all well and good, but why didn't you shut down their weapons SMARTY PANTS!?
Smart: Because I reconfigured their weapons to shoot anybody else but us.
Everybody else:
... I can hear the confused screams amid the gunfire even now ....
DM:
Cleric: I activate my 9th level domain spell, Prismatic Sphere.
Think I've said it before...
If the Prismatic Wall, or sphere as in this case, is materalizing in a space occupied by a creatue, the spell is wasted (no effect).
Your cleric should have been devoured, feeling stupied.
For having an almost brilliant idea usually ends up as doing something silly.
I liked it until my PC wizard noted me of that.
Think I've said it before...
If the Prismatic Wall, or sphere as in this case, is materalizing in a space occupied by a creatue, the spell is wasted (no effect).
Your cleric should have been devoured, feeling stupied.
For having an almost brilliant idea usually ends up as doing something silly.
I liked it until my PC wizard noted me of that.
Actually, this falls under two rules that make it possible:
1: Often, the gods of roleplaying allow slight bendings of the rules for sacrificial or entertaining ideas, since the point is to have fun, not play like you're in court.
2: Often, the gods of roleplaying are far more concerned with having fun with their friends than rules-lawyering.
I know THIS god of roleplaying (also known under the title of 'DM') would rather see a memorable moment that is talked about for weeks or months at the expense of rules than a strict adherance to the numerics (who, incidentally, don't roleplay or tell jokes or split the cost of the pizza with you) and no one having fun.
And, as I believe has been stated before, this isn't a place for rules quibbles, it is a place for funny stories, regardless of the mechanics involved. The fact that it's even being posted for others to read testifies to the truth of this. It's also impossible to smash a +1 mithral blade with a hammer, but it was indeed memorable to the player in my campaign.
Also, minor english quibble, you misspelled 'stupid' and cut the sentence in half. You should have put a space after stupid and made 'for' lowercase. Sorry, I just figure if you're going to rant you should at least spell and punctuate correctly.
Actually, this falls under two rules that make it possible:
1: Often, the gods of roleplaying allow slight bendings of the rules for sacrificial or entertaining ideas, since the point is to have fun, not play like you're in court.
2: Often, the gods of roleplaying are far more concerned with having fun with their friends than rules-lawyering.
I know THIS god of roleplaying (also known under the title of 'DM') would rather see a memorable moment that is talked about for weeks or months at the expense of rules than a strict adherance to the numerics (who, incidentally, don't roleplay or tell jokes or split the cost of the pizza with you) and no one having fun.
And, as I believe has been stated before, this isn't a place for rules quibbles, it is a place for funny stories, regardless of the mechanics involved. The fact that it's even being posted for others to read testifies to the truth of this. It's also impossible to smash a +1 mithral blade with a hammer, but it was indeed memorable to the player in my campaign.
Also, minor english quibble, you misspelled 'stupid' and cut the sentence in half. You should have put a space after stupid and made 'for' lowercase. Sorry, I just figure if you're going to rant you should at least spell and punctuate correctly.
I have to 100% agree. I've been playing for 25 years and if you went by every single rule, it wouldn't be as much fun. I'm not saying break the rules just to break them, but when something memorable happens, the last thing I'm going to do as a DM is say, "Sorry, that's not allowed because it's against the rules."
Let's just enjoy what people put down and laugh with them. That's what D&D is about: Having FUN!
Now: Back to the scheduled programing!
Cam
Actually, this falls under two rules that make it possible:
1: Often, the gods of roleplaying allow slight bendings of the rules for sacrificial or entertaining ideas, since the point is to have fun, not play like you're in court.
2: Often, the gods of roleplaying are far more concerned with having fun with their friends than rules-lawyering.
I know THIS god of roleplaying (also known under the title of 'DM') would rather see a memorable moment that is talked about for weeks or months at the expense of rules than a strict adherance to the numerics (who, incidentally, don't roleplay or tell jokes or split the cost of the pizza with you) and no one having fun.
...
Also, minor english quibble, you misspelled 'stupid' and cut the sentence in half. You should have put a space after stupid and made 'for' lowercase. Sorry, I just figure if you're going to rant you should at least spell and punctuate correctly.
This god of roleplaying is going to scream each time this cleric will face a devouring monster.
This is NOT a rant. I just pointed out a mistake, nothing more. And you can't teach me about being a roleplaying DM because that's exactly what I am. While it was, as I said, amusing, the rule broken here is not a minor one. As a DM, I would not allow that, and I allowed many things when I thought that it would be appropriate, in the name of RP.
However, if you’re going to have a plan, you must have it thought-out. As in reality, “holes” in plans are the difference between a brilliant plan and a foolish one.
As for the spelling- I posted my reply when I had little time to do so. It happens. I could not spend more time checking the spelling. And it should have been ”;” before “for”, that’s it.
Don’t try to damage my credibility by mocking my spelling. English is not my mother tongue, and as a result, I would probably misspell a word or two when I can’t afford the time to preview it.
This god of roleplaying is going to scream each time this cleric will face a devouring monster.
This is NOT a rant. I just pointed out a mistake, nothing more. And you can't teach me about being a roleplaying DM because that's exactly what I am. While it was, as I said, amusing, the rule broken here is not a minor one. As a DM, I would not allow that, and I allowed many things when I thought that it would be appropriate, in the name of RP.
However, if you’re going to have a plan, you must have it thought-out. As in reality, “holes” in plans are the difference between a brilliant plan and a foolish one.
As for the spelling- I posted my reply when I had little time to do so. It happens. I could not spend more time checking the spelling. And it should have been ”;” before “for”, that’s it.
Don’t try to damage my credibility by mocking my spelling. English is not my mother tongue, and as a result, I would probably misspell a word or two when I can’t afford the time to preview it.
The plan was inventive, it was comical, and it was good roleplaying.
Rewarding that with "Sorry, it dosen't work. You can't materialize an Abjuration inside a creature. You take *insert ridiculous amount of damage here* and are dead." is asinine. And when the Tarrasque then laid a TPK onto the party, you'd better believe that since you're playing "By the rules, for the rules", I'm coming back with a copy of Serpant Kingdoms, a character with Knowledge (Sarrukh), maxed up the ass, a Kobold Psion, and a copy of Pun-Pun.
This god of roleplaying is going to scream each time this cleric will face a devouring monster.
This is NOT a rant. I just pointed out a mistake, nothing more. And you can't teach me about being a roleplaying DM because that's exactly what I am. While it was, as I said, amusing, the rule broken here is not a minor one. As a DM, I would not allow that, and I allowed many things when I thought that it would be appropriate, in the name of RP.
However, if you’re going to have a plan, you must have it thought-out. As in reality, “holes” in plans are the difference between a brilliant plan and a foolish one.
As for the spelling- I posted my reply when I had little time to do so. It happens. I could not spend more time checking the spelling. And it should have been ”;” before “for”, that’s it.
Don’t try to damage my credibility by mocking my spelling. English is not my mother tongue, and as a result, I would probably misspell a word or two when I can’t afford the time to preview it.
Firstly, I wasn't using your spelling against your credibility. That's why I said 'also' and 'minor'. If english isn't your native tongue, then I am dually impressed, since there are few Americans that can articulate a complete sentence. I do, though, hold critics to a much higher standard than anyone else. And yes, a semicolon would have worked also.
And secondly, it is up to the purview of the DM and the campaign. If it was a LARP with no dice, would it still have been wrong? If it was a much more laid-back campaign than you run, is it automatically wrong just because you don't agree with the call? If hardcore rule-fu works for you and your group, great. I usually run a tight ship myself, unless my players don't want it. Then I run an 'anything goes if you can imagine it you can do it' style, and some people like it. I am getting ready to start a solo like this for my wife. Level 30 cleric half dragon, half celestial halfling. It's just for her to tromp about smite things. There will be little adherance to ANY rules, because it's just a goof campaign. Just chill, it's all for fun anyway, and what is fun to others may not be fun for you. However, don't steal their fun away. It is selfish.
Warlock: I'll cover the downed bard. I should be able to survive a hit. I've got DR/Cold Iron.
Spellthief: Yeah, you're DR will do a LOT of good against a Stone Golem.
Maybe you had to be there.
A letter is delivered to the Warlock from the man he betrayed only a day ago. Higher level characters detect magic and dispel the letter.
Warlock: Gibberish. I can't read a thing.
Sorceress: No, I think the message was the Sepia Snake Sigil and Explosive runes spells that I dispelled.
Look, this is a best lines ever thread, not a roleplaying vs rules rant thread. If you want to do that start a new thread. Now please people can we get back to the funny?
Fine, I'll drop it. Man, you note people of one rule and they will make a by-the-book fanatic out of you (this goes to ShadowDragon8685 more than anyone else).
Just for the record, a-player- in my group was the one who noted it and wanted me to put it here on the last thread it showed up at. That should tell you something.
(And make no mistake- he is a role-player, not some rules-exploiter, roll-player or whatever it is called)
A similar amusement befell an epic level party I was running. They were facing a genius loci that (due to the monster's variable shape and size) was confined to a single floor of Dispater's tower (a floor prepared with Runes of the Earthbound from Stronghold Builder's Guide - no flying, no save), and had enslaved a mad duerregar artificer who was, at the moment, being ignored (in a force cage if memory serves). Two party members were down and grappled, a third was struggling, the cleric was standing on a foreign table (one that WASN'T part of the Genius Loci) and the epic beast was next in initiative -
"Damn, I'm the only one he can hit this round...I defensively cast Prismatic Sphere."
Sure enough, the unintelligent local spirit guided by the insane and restrained duerregar lashed out at him with its 8 unoccupied tendrils to try and grapple him...rules aside, faced with a TPK I decided that means 8 passes through the same prismatic sphere...I think it was the poison that got it, ultimately, rolled a 1 on the save.
AND NOW, NIT-PICKING OF THE DAY:
The whole Tarrasque thing is actually a scenario, not a line. Hilarious, yes, but still a scenario.
I just had to say it.
Good day.
let's see...the one in my sig with the princess married to a red dragon was rather amusing...what else do I have...
"Thank you, my friend, for turning me into a god."
--the scariest thing a pixie can ever say to a werewolf.
He's on a roof:
Leo (Ranger): OOC I'm looking for someone to kill
Me (DM): There's a little boy.
Leo: No, that'd be cruel.
Me: There's his mom.
Leo: (IC) RAPING TIME!
more later
P1: Jake is harmless, he would never hurt anyone
P2: That's what you say (healing wounds)
P1: He is like a fuzzy little teddy bear.
P2: With razor blades for arms!
Originally Posted by tharivol226
you know we should make it a general rule of this thread to avoid the un-neccissary lack of imagination. try to stop the copyrighted stuff and the leeroy jenkins type posts and the pb&j ones too while we're at it. people tend to use them and then think they are creative and funny. while it may at the time be funny by the time it gets here chances are its just sad. this wasn't meant to flame anyone but its just annoying to see such...corny i guess is the word...stuff in here it really makes a mockery of people like Rickel and by extension Raz. I guess its fine as long as its a subtle reference or a really obscure reference to something that maybe 25% of the members would know but just straight up is bad.
Originally Posted by Thym
Yeah, but a lot of these are scenarios. Raz aside, very little dialogue ever takes place in a D&D session to BE hillarious. Thus, "I cast Prismatic Sphere" is a line. I suppose this could be segmented into a Best Character Lines Ever, but it'd be a fair sight shorter.
I read the first post above, and I let that mention of myself slide. Then I saw the next mention of myself and though I do like having my ego inflated, I find myself needing to address something.
People will indeed occasionally say something that is funny at the time said. And by the time they get to a computer and put it up on this thread, sure, the funny might have died down to the point of wondering 'What the heck were we laughing about?'.
It happens to me millions of times.
I use many a cliche, copywrighted material, Leroy Jenkins moments, cornyness, situational comedy where it wasn't so much the line that was funny as simply the actions involved, etc. ad infininum.
I don't mean any disrespect to either Tharivol226 or Thym, goodness knows I've laughed at some of the stuff you guys put up here. But to say that people are making a mockery of those such as I or even that very little dialogue takes place to be hilarious?
Well I love to be mocked, I do it to myself all the time anyways; and sometimes people are not quite sure WHERE to put up dramatic situations where they were barely saved from destruction...or a Tarrasque's tummy...and a single line helps them remember that moment.
Probably doesn't mean much really, if someone can make anything out of what I just typed congrats, I'm tired from working and I intend to do some 4th of July stuff along with D&D.
Happy 4th of July you Fellow U.S. American's you!
And while I'm at it, for all those that like the idea of freedom of thought and word, pursuit of happiness, and so on and so forth...and definately flashy fireworks, Have A Great Life!
Now back to our Feature Presentation.
Different campaign of D&D. No Raz.
Barbarian: Those things in that forest nearly killed us! What are we gonna do?
Druid: Burn the forest!
Ranger (me) : ...You're a Druid right?
Druid: Forest fires are natural :D
DM: "I'm taking down some notes. We'll soon see if the party meets it's doom or succeeds with flying colors."
Xander: "What if we meet our doom with flying colors?"
DM: "Are you planning on running headlong into a Prismatic Wall or something?" :D
now for my bit of situational irony and one of my pet peeves.
set up: 3 pcs in a kobold warren. set off a pit trap in front of a door. Scout/Warlock makes save cleric/shugenja doesnt and takes the falling damage.
Scout/warlock(P1): i jump across *rolls a one takes falling damage*
P1: I climb out of the pit *rolls a one takes falling damage*
P1: I have the cleric/shugenja heal me then try to climb out again to have the fighter throw me across *healed up sucessfully climbs out*
Fighter/warmage(P2): *throws rogue across on nat 20 and rolls and succeeds not to throw him into the wall on the far side of the door* "I step to the side then over the corner of the pit into the door"
P1: I could have stepped over the corner?!?!?!
30 minutes later during level up:
P1: I had spiderwalk as an invocation that whole time!!!!! (he forgot about it completly and itd be no fun for me to remind him)
The Party includes a Human Cleric/Ranger, a Human Rogue, and a Bugbear Barbarian. All level two at the time.
While trying to get into the Lord of the Town's manor the Party visits the Captain of the Guard in hopes he'll help them get in.
Barbarian: *pounds on the Captain of the Guard's door*
Me [as the Captain of the Guard]: *opens door and eyes the group for bothering him* What do you want?
Barbarian: We need to see the Lord about these missing people. [People have been dissapearing all over town, though several keep being found a short while later by the party as Zombies]
Me: It can't be done....not right now.
Rogue: Why not?
Me: *ushers them in and closes the door, and in a low voice* Because he's a Were-Frog....
[At this point in time, the Barbarian [a DM of eleven years] nearly dies of shock]
Barbarian: [OCC]
:OMG! A Were.....Frog.....?Me: [OCC] Yup!
And one of my favorite quotes and my response now that I DM as well:
"That One in a Million situation Players will do Nine times out of Ten."
"Well that's why DMs do it all the time.
"[Basically I know that two of my players, being long time DMs are going to pull every trick they can to get as much as possible from everything, hence why I do things like throw a three-hundred count Zombie army at them...Needless to say even by only giving them 1/4 experiance for destroying the artifact that was animating them...they gain two levels [well after 300 Zombies, a Zombie Minotaur, a LVL 3 Halfling Grim Necromancer, two Dire Maggots and a few misc Skeletons...
Moral of the story...never throw high numbers of low level Zombies at a ECL 2 Party. :D ]
Barbarian: I want to kick down the door.
DM: Roll...
Barbarian: .... A one... not even bothering with the strength modifier
DM: The orcs on the other side hear a loud 'BANG'. *rolls something and sighs* and asks "Whos there?"
Ranger: whispers; "room service"
Barbarian: "Room service!"
DM: Roll bluff check
Barbarian: Nat 20!!!
DM: *rolls and sighs again* You hear by the door "Oh boy I'm hungry" and the door opens. Suprise round.
Barbarian: Nat 20 again!!! 18, crit confirmed! Attack roll... 11+1= 12!!! And...
DM: Nevermind... The orc exsplodes from the impact... Continuing on...
After our dragon PC slaughters the chieftan and several guards, the Warforged party member is attacked by an insanely desperate guard who dropped his bow to run at him. He slammed his foot into the Warforged's crotch, hoping that a man-shaped warforged would be quickly incapacitated by the kick. The Warforged responded with an AoO slam attack.
DM: Way cool how you slammed that guy's shin with your crotch.
Warforged PC: Aw man, he survived my crotch-slam.
This was back in 1st ed. days, so this quote actually stretches back nearly two-and-a-half decades (which means it is probably older than many of the posters here).
I'm playing a Thief (no "rogues" back in those days) that I had decided upon, then rolled, 3d6 and assigned in order. I wound up with some very lopsided scores, and played him that way.
We had been playing weekly for over a year, having advanced from level one to about level 12 over the course of the year, and had tracked the BBEG to his lair, where he was about to sacrifice the cliched virgin into a lake of blood to finish his summoning.
*yoink* we rescued the virgin.
Big battle with BBEG ensued, with us taking many hits and much damage.
My thief, Korr takes a nasty hit, which reduces me to something like -27 HP and knocks me into the lake of blood.
DM: You fly into the lake of blood. Sorry, but you're dead.
Me: You know my Charisma is 6, right?
DM: Yeah, so?
Me: What do you think the chances are that my thief has ever gotten laid?
DM: Pretty low, why . . .
Me:
I inadvertently wound up being the sacrificial virgin in the BBEG's evil rite.
I posted this on the "most memorable character" thread, and thought it bore repeating here.
This was back in 1st ed. days, so this quote actually stretches back nearly two-and-a-half decades (which means it is probably older than many of the posters here).
I'm playing a Thief (no "rogues" back in those days) that I had decided upon, then rolled, 3d6 and assigned in order. I wound up with some very lopsided scores, and played him that way.
We had been playing weekly for over a year, having advanced from level one to about level 12 over the course of the year, and had tracked the BBEG to his lair, where he was about to sacrifice the cliched virgin into a lake of blood to finish his summoning.
*yoink* we rescued the virgin.
Big battle with BBEG ensued, with us taking many hits and much damage.
My thief, Korr takes a nasty hit, which reduces me to something like -27 HP and knocks me into the lake of blood.
DM: You fly into the lake of blood. Sorry, but you're dead.
Me: You know my Charisma is 6, right?
DM: Yeah, so?
Me: What do you think the chances are that my thief has ever gotten laid?
DM: Pretty low, why . . .
Me:
I inadvertently wound up being the sacrificial virgin in the BBEG's evil rite.
That's what "ladies of the night" are for. So that the adventurers don't provide a virgin sacrifice by mistake.
Did the rest of the party survive that encounter?
That's what "ladies of the night" are for. So that the adventurers don't provide a virgin sacrifice by mistake.
Did the rest of the party survive that encounter?
Lol, yeah. It took some thinking on the part of the DM, but we wound up not only defeating the BBEG, but also his summoned BBECOD (big bad evil creature of doom). I'm sure we did it with munchkin weapons, but it was fun.
"I'm not chaotic evil, I'm chaotic practical."
Fighting a swarm of Horrid chickens (don't ask) party toasts it with alchemists fire, burning hands and fireball.
Me: I use my alter self ability to turn into an old man in white.
Guest DM: um, Ok. (pulls out sage mini)
Chickens die. I step out from cover. "Ah say! This here pile o' fried chicken puts me in mind of having a franchise!"
"Buenos noches, senor. bienvenido a el Rico's casa de salsa. Tenemos muchos platos muy sabrosos! Si puedo recomendar el ardiente pollo al infierno muy delicioso. Sus ojos se quemaran, su estomago estara en fuego, se quedaran en el baño por una semana! Entiendes lo que digo gringo estupido tonto?"
I
Me: It can't be done....not right now.
Rogue: Why not?
Me: *ushers them in and closes the door, and in a low voice* Because he's a Were-Frog....
[At this point in time, the Barbarian [a DM of eleven years] nearly dies of shock]
Barbarian: [OCC]
Me: [OCC] Yup!
Did he speak in the third person?
The Spanish is in response to The Livewire's chicken story and how they killed the critters with alchemist's fire.
The Spanish is a spoken bit in the middle of 'Weird Al' Yankovic's song, "Taco Grande", a song about eating Mexican food. It's the waiter talking:
"Good evening, and welcome to Rico's House of Salsa! We have many delicious dishes; may I recommend the Burning Chicken From Hell? Your eyes will water! Your throat will burn! You'll be in the bathroom for a week! Do you even understand what I'm saying, you stupid gringo?"
Me: I WANT A CHURRO!
DM: You can't buy a churro! They don't exist yet!
Me: This city sucks! I don't want to live in a world without churros! I cast enervation on myself! (rolls 4) yes! I cast it again! (rolls 1) damnit! I'm not dead yet! I cast it again! (rolls 2) yes! i am dead!
DM: you only have 2 enervations per day.
Me: Damnit! I am still alive and only level 1!
Rogue: I make a spot check (18) I notice a guy eating a churro
Me: (at DM) YOU BASTARD!
If you have to end what you say with, "I guess you had to be there," it's not worth saying.
Ranger PC: “Quick! Let’s get out of here!”
Ship Captain: “Are you crazy? I’m not leaving my ship behind for all the fortune in the world! ... Unless that fortune worth more than my ship!”
Players have just been taken captive by an imposter king and they are being held, manacled, in the throne room with guards surrounding them.
ME(DM): Ok, the ten guards surround you, spears pointing towards you all. You are thrown to the flor and manacled. what are you going to do?
Rogue/Fighter: Ok, i'll try to bargain with him *rolls*
ME:HE just luaghs in your face
Druid:I Want to also try to bargain with him. *rolls*
ME: Ok he luaghs at you again and (will save to negate anger) is still calm
Fighter/Monk: Yeah, i want to **** on the King
ME: WHAT!? ok, roll to see weather you hit.
Fighter/Monk: *rolls* Yeah, i got a 20!
Me: WTF!? anyway, you score a direct hit in his eye. dealing 1d4 of damage! the King (rolls a will save to negate anger, fails) gets angry and orders his guards to throw you all into the dungeons!
this was all true
Me: WTF!? anyway, you score a direct hit in his eye. dealing 1d4 of damage! the King (rolls a will save to negate anger, fails) gets angry and orders his guards to throw you all into the dungeons!
personally i would have been
DM: WTF? nayway, you scored a direct hit in his eye 1d4 of damage! the King (rolls will save to negate anger, fails) gets angry and orders his guards to grabs you and drag you foreward where he proceeds to rip your *edited for the eyes of smal children* and then using the spear he *CoC violation edited out* and then mounts you mangaled corpse on a pike above a bridge for all to see. the rest of you he just kills.
That would be a different campaign than Raz's original and currently on an....extended hiatus...cruddlies.
Indeed the inspiration for the idea in the first place :D
Unfortunately with limited Feats to take, and not planning on Leadership, I can't really expect to have a loyal crew of nubile women...
Much less a loyal crew.
Get the landlord feat from stronghold builders and build your own floating merchant island.
Or, I could send you the stats for the merchant's venture.... >.>
Originally posted by turalisj
Or, I could send you the stats for the merchant's venture.... >.>
Your words intrigue me, I wish to hear more.
Though about that Landlord feat, again.... limited selection of feats for Raz.
Though now I'm beginning to wonder, without the Eberron setting stuff, just how would one go about making a flying ship that's bigger on the inside than the outside?
Assuming that Raz's caster level for spell-like abilities can help in the prerequisites area, his rather extensive knowledge of mechanical devices, and perhaps a few spells from a few friends... Hmmmm... How to get a crew of loyal, loving, competent, nubile women though...
Hmmmm... How to get a crew of loyal, loving, competent, nubile women though...
How's about rescuing a group from impending Sex Slavery?
Did he speak in the third person?
Sadly they never got to find out as the town was slaughtered in the end and used to make an undead army.
\They managed it pretty well and are moving onto other issues of the same thing. Namely trying to become more powerful than the insane BBEG I'm throwing at them in the end of this campaign [he thinks he's the God of Death, okay?].
Sorcerer: I fail.
Paladin: I fail.
Barbarian: I fail.
Druid: I fail.
Me (rogue): I made it, but I'm jumping in.
Paladin: What? Why?
Me: It seems easier.
Bandit 1: Mm! Smells delicious! What kind of stew are you making?
Bandit 2: (making stew in pot) This is for tomorrow night's dinner.
Bandit 1: Oh... okay. What's tomorrow's dinner?
Bandit 2: Leftovers.
Struck me as funny at the time.
Guard: How do I know yer telling the truth?
Main Investigator: My construct here *gesturing at warforged PsiW* is progammed to only tell the truth!
DM: *laughing at the absurdity of the claim* That's a bluff check.
MI: God I have a terrible bluff! [Warforged] Aid me!
WF: Alright.
DM: What do you say to aid his bluff.
WF In a mellow hippieish tone: Totally.
The best part is that the DM rolled terribly and the guard believed them!
While fighting the BBEG in his "flying castle of doom", my sorcerer/esse having been captured for the past week and just escaped, anti-magic cell, decided to vent some steam. Meaning blasting the walls of the castle with Meteor Swarm. Here's the dialouge.
Ranxor: Now that I'm finished setting my bombs I'm flying in and killing the wizard.
DM: OK, Tarim you've finally scrathced your way out of the cell what now.
Me: Casting fly, then going outside.
DM: Uhh, Kilno?
Kilno: Adding more alchemists fire to the largest bomb.
Me: I'm blasting the castle.
DM: What?!
Me: Meteor Swarm.
Ranxor(OOC): But my bomb will boom me to death.
all:...
Might've been funnier in the moment.
Though now I'm beginning to wonder, without the Eberron setting stuff, just how would one go about making a flying ship that's bigger on the inside than the outside?
Modified Bag of Holding? Having Raz work on a modified Shrink Item? I think I'll stop there before I get any crazy ideas.
Besides, the peasants will rejoice with more humorous lines!
Arms and Equipment Guide has Holds of Holding (and Smuggler's Holds - each is something like 10 times bigger inside than out, but the Smuggler's Holds are undetectable). No reason a magical cargo area can't be converted for comfortable accomodations just like on a "normal" airship...
Mongoose's Ultimate Equipment 2, Planar bazaar chapter had Bottles of Space, pour a little more space into any enclosure. Not sure if that'd help though.
DM: "As you leave the docks, you see a mob of two dozen goblins lead by a goblin in fancy robes charging through the government district streets at you."
Me (considering 4 level 1's vs 24 goblins): "Holy
! We need a pre-emptive strike! Open fire!"And so commenced a long and brutal fight which our level one charachters barely survived, at the end of it however, we were all siezed by the town guard.
Rogue: "What? Why!?"
DM: "You just killed the goblin ambasidor and all of his bodyguards on as he was hurrying to get to work."
Fighter: "Uh.....whoops."
Me (kiddingly): "Their in league with the goblins, get them!"
--
Later in that game, we had managed to steal an airship, but a high level badguy was persuing us in his, and given that his was armed and ours wasn't, it was pretty clear the DM intended for us to be captured. As we flew away however, my charachter looked over the side....
Me: "Wait, so his airship is small, fast, and heavily armed?"
DM: "Yes."
Me: "How small, and is he standing on it's roof like we are?"
DM: "About 15ft across and 30ft long, and yes."
Me: "And he's below us, right?"
DM (getting suspcious): "........yesssss."
Me: "I chug my potion of immunity to falling damage, leap off the side towards him, and bullrush him off the edge of his ship!"
As it happens, i failed my ranged touch, and landed face-first on his airship. I did still manage to shove him into space (I rolled a 19, he rolled a 1) before his comrades killed me however, finishing off a 15th level rogue/assasin at level 1.
Playing Age of Worms Adventure Path and Just finished the Spire of Longshadows quest. Apparently there's some sort of lich spellweaver who has a penchant for talking too much:
Spell Weaver: You may put away your weapons, I have no interest in fighting youI've been waiting for you.
Rogue: Zuh? What the hell are you babbling about?
Spell Weaver: By making your way to this room you have proved that you are the ones prophecized to free me and bring about the age of renewal.
Rogue: Age of renewal? Are you sure? Everyone keeps telling us the next age is the age of
worms and that it's a bad thing.
Spell Weaver: Age of worms? Yes, actually, I believe that's what others call it.
Rogue: Dammit.
Spell Weaver: Now that you're here, you will help to bring about the next sign of the prophecy and liberate me from my prison.
Rogue: How do you figure that?
Spell Weaver: Just by being yourselves.
Rogue:.....So what you mean is we're supposed to kill you...
Spell Weaver: Yes.
Rogue: So if we don't kill you, we're leaving a condition for the age of worms unfulfilled?
Spell Weaver: That is correct.
Rogue: Hell with this. Casters! Get us out of here!
DM: Everyone roll initiative.
(Sorc1 and 2, Archer and Rogue, group together and teleport)
Spellweaver: Not so fast! I doubt you will leave your friend behind! (Spell weaver casts Maze on the barbarian)
Everyone: Crap!
DM: You need to make an int check dc 20 as a full round action to escape the maze.
Barbarian OOC: Great, so I need to roll a 20 (rolls).....OMG....it's a 20
Barbarian IC: (Now wearing a monocle and speaking in his most erudite voice) What the devil was that, I say?
Wizard: Peace! We're out of here! (grabs the cleric and the barb and teleports)
DM: Stunning.
Bard to the rest of the party after hours of our ranger losing the trail and backtracking, followed by rescuing two mountain goats from frost giants and asking the goats to find the trail. Gotta love those goats.
He took point in leading the others around, using his ancient dwarven skill called "putting your hand on a wall and following it", when from the point of view of the others he suddently turned towards the wall and walked trough it.
Reggie: Tungsten?! Where did you go?
Tungsten, stepping back: Why, around the corner.
Reggie: But that's a wall! *checks it out* Wait, this seems to be an illusionary wall.
Tungsten: Well, from my point of view it isn't a very good one!
At one point in a nasty dungeon-maze, my dwarf (Tungsten) was blinded by a trap, and spent the rest of the day visionless.
He took point in leading the others around, using his ancient dwarven skill called "putting your hand on a wall and following it", when from the point of view of the others he suddently turned towards the wall and walked trough it.
Reggie: Tungsten?! Where did you go?
Tungsten, stepping back: Why, around the corner.
Reggie: But that's a wall! *checks it out* Wait, this seems to be an illusionary wall.
Tungsten: Well, from my point of view it isn't a very good one!
Hmmmm... How to get a crew of loyal, loving, competent, nubile women though...
Based on my TV viewing, you apparently just have to show up in London or Tokyo.
At one point in a nasty dungeon-maze, my dwarf (Tungsten) was blinded by a trap, and spent the rest of the day visionless.
He took point in leading the others around, using his ancient dwarven skill called "putting your hand on a wall and following it", when from the point of view of the others he suddently turned towards the wall and walked trough it.
Reggie: Tungsten?! Where did you go?
Tungsten, stepping back: Why, around the corner.
Reggie: But that's a wall! *checks it out* Wait, this seems to be an illusionary wall.
Tungsten: Well, from my point of view it isn't a very good one!
OMG, that brought tears to my eyes. LOL
Tungsten: Well, from my point of view it isn't a very good one!
yes, for some reason, that was REALLY funny
He gets up onstage, takes out his guitar (yes, my world has guitars), and kinda looks uncertain about what to do. Please note that the dialouge you are about to read is from players located in the southern parts of the United States.
Bard: *silence*
Me: *stands up* FREEBIRD!!!
Cleric: Yeah!
Crowd: ???
Bard: *makes his perform check and begins to play*
Me: OOC: I take out a tindertwig and light it.
DM: OK...
Me: *takes tindertwig and waves it back and forth*
Rest of the party: OOC: We take out tindertwigs and light them!
DM: Oh God...
Rest of Party: *Joins me waving the tindertwigs*
Bard: *Still playing Freebird*
Monk: OOC: Does this count as metagaming?
DM: No, I think it counts as meta-corny...
The perform check was so good that we actually made some money too. The crowd loved it. Until we trampled them in our hurry to attack the BBEG, who was, in fact, the female lead in the play. We got our butts kicked, and burned down the theater. After the fight, as she is escaping...
BBEG: Ha! You failed again, idiots!
Wizard: Oh yeah?! Well...Your dress is ugly!
Bard: And we mussed your hair!
Me: Plus your acting skills suck!
BBEG: *Looks right at us* Oh, I am going to dance on your graves!
Monk: About that...That dance routine you did was awful. How many times did you step on your partners toes again?
After she blasted us with a fireball, it was a good thing the Cleric was smart and kept his mouth shut. Or we'd be dead now. Darn halflings, always knowing when to be cowardly...
Now for some of my own....
The party (consisting of a Human Paladin of Heironious, an Elf Cleric of Corellon Larethian, a 1/2 elf Swashbuckler with a Seinfeld-esque puffy shirt and a human Fighter meatshield type guy, all level three at this point) is in a town where they have to find pieces of some ancient relic in order to rid the town of evil and release some people who were captured. They were given one piece and we learned that the artifact was something related to Gruumsh, so, being an elf cleric, I went back to my room and stayed there praying for two days.
On their way to get more pieces of the artifact, the Paladin decides to find some way to rescue the people, leaving the Swashbuckler and the Fighter to do the detective work (not te brightest idea). They approach the residential area of the town and start knocking on doors:
Fighter: *knock knock*
Resident: Who is it?
Fighter and Swash: .....(long pause)..... (OOC: We weren't prepared for this...)
Resident: Who's there?
Swash(Holding up artifact):Do you have any of these?
Resident: The door is closed...
we were lauging for minutes after that....at which point the Pally and I realized that leaving the two of them to deal with people and find the pieces was probably a really bad idea.
DM: A few moments after the fleeing guard disappears behind the building you hear a loud crashing sound and a grunt. Heavy footsteps approach your location. A brutish ogre steps out from behind the building, followed by his noisome stench.
Jon Kells, Cleric of Shaundakul (Me): Jon utters a brief prayer to the Rider on the Winds and walks, with the confidence of a man soon dead, up to the ogre. "Tell me," he says in giant, "how are these mean men treating you? Why attack us, wouldn't you rather run free in the forest where there's plenty of deer for you to eat?"
*Rolls diplomacy check*
Natural twenty comes up, netting a total result of 29 (thank you skill focus), enough to move the ogre to indifferent.
DM: Um... "Grulag intrigued. Want subscribe to newsletter."
Me: "Well," Jon continues, "there's a roast pig in it for you if you leave us alone."
*Rolls second diplomacy check*
A second twenty comes up, and the DM gives me a +2 circumstance bonus for bribing him, netting a result of 31, moving the ogre to helpful.
DM: "Grulag loves shiny-tiny man! Grulag frolic naked in forest with faeries! Then eat, but frolic first!", with that the ogre... um, flees into the forest...
at wizards house:
P1: wee need to know about the kobolds mate that you kidnapped.
Wizard: I have no idea what you're talking about.
P2: The Kobold told us you kidnapped his mate
W: What kobold?
players: ....
P3: I go back out into town and find the kobold
Me: okay you found him
P3: whats your name?
me: .........
Kobold: PunPun.
P3: Okay
P2:
P4:
P1: (OOC)
... if he's PunPun why does he need our help????Me: uuuuuuhhhhhh......he's level 3? :D
As Sancho is searching the room for traps taking deep looks into every detail Nia sneaks over to a shelf with a sword on it she's already been told not to go near. Sancho turns around and sees Nia running over he slaps her hand.
Nia: "That hurt why did you do that you big dirty thing?"
Sancho: "Sancho has told you not to touch that. Sancho knew you would touch it but he tried to hold hope. Feeling very dissapointed Snacho must ask you wait in the other room."
Nia: "Look you big ugly lizard freak I'm as much of a princess as you'll ever see and if I want to look at the sword I can look at the sword."
Sancho getting angered by now. "Lsiten you midget with half the brains of Sancho. Sancho keeps you safe, Sancho watches your back, Sancho helps you fight, and Sancho also knows where you sleep....everynight...now if you don't listen to Sancho you will become a spatter on the wall and most likely take everyone one else with you, but not Sancho...Sancho will live on and you will be a ghost yelling at Sancho because you died and not Sancho, and why did you die and Sancho did not? Because I AM SANCHO, AND YOU ARE NOT SANCHO. That means Sancho makes the traps go away."
She never touched another sword in taht dungeon after that, everything else shiney is another story.....
My brother was playing the PS2 game God of War and was going through the Temple of Pandora. After playing for 5 hours through the beginning of that part, he comes upon a room that holds Poseidon's Trident.
"Finally, I found it!"
I nod sagaciously at my brother's exclaimation of happiness.
"A save point!"
Well there was also a save point right next to the trident.
What's more important after all? The treasure? Or a good place to stop?
Wizard to DM: I open the letter what does it say?
DM to Wizard: The letter is written in Infernal and says that your souls will roast in the Abyss and that your families will follow shortly thereafter with a promise of eternal torture applied by vile demons.
Rest of party to Wizard: What does the letter say?
Wizard to the rest of the party: It's a 'Thank You' note.
Needless to say, from that day forward any correspondence from the enemy was called a 'Thank You' note.
Upon finding the dragon cursed by their enemies and held in stasis and saving the poor creature from attack by another dragon (four lvl 13 PCs and an adult brass dragon toasting an old red dragon), they sent the dragon to the city to request aid for the dragon.
Shortly thereafter, a battalion of Paladins shows up, led by the Prince of the city... a high level elf Paladin in shining armor, your typical pretty prince... and a 16th level paladin with a vorpal sword.
I just finish describing him, and then I look at our elf-turned-dragonborn ranger/fighter (the character whose mentor the dragon was).
Me: Roll a charisma check.
Her: Huh... okay. (rolls about a 17. Prince rolls a 19)
Me: You meet the Prince's gaze, and suddenly, the army and your party are totally unimportant. You have eyes only for him. Fortunately for you, he seems to be similiarly affected.
Her: (Looks at me, thinks about the description I gave of the prince, grins) OOC: I'm okay with this!
~~~
Later, as the magi the Prince brought are moving the dragons into the middle of the battalion for escort to the city, the party is getting ready to board their airship.
Prince: We will meet you in the city, if you wish.
Dragonborn: If you would allow it, I would accompany Sheerendi (the dragon) and you into the city, so I can keep on eye on her.
Prince: Very well. I am certain we have a spare horse you can ride.
Rest of party:
As the (previously man-phobic due to character history) dragonborn rides off with the elf.~~~
Later still, the Prince brings the Dragonborn back to the ship, while the rest of the party is watching through a scrying spell.
Dragonborn: Do I get a kiss goodnight?
Me: Yes. It takes forty-five minutes.
Cleric: (Turns to Raven, her NPC redeemed-paladin (now of honor, used to be tyranny) boyfriend) How come I never get that kind of thing?
Me: Raven takes you below decks. No body sees you for about two hours.
Sorceror to Dragonborn's player: As you come aboard, you notice screaming inside the ship
"Do you guys think that I'll consider it proper atonement if I sacrifice one of you in my name to myself on an alter dedicated to me?"
Me: I start banging my hammer on my shield so I make as much noise as possible.
PC2(wizard polymorphed into a gold dragon): We have to dwarves covered head to toe in tin cans and a freakin' dragon I think we are making enough noise as it is.
Leave it to me not to realize that Drow can hear well enough to hear a pin drop. I'm sure my dwarf sounded like canned food as it is. Too bad they cant break my AC.
our party was on a ship sailing down a river, when we were attacked by pirates outnumbering us at least 10 to 1. as the first wave began board our ship, i asked "are there any large trees on the shore? specifically, any large trees with undermind root structures?" DM replied "sure, we'll say there's one."
you know it's coming...
Me: "i throw my sword at it."
after i rolled consecutive natural 20s, the DM gave in and had the tree come crashing down on the pirate ship.
later in the same campaign, we entered a dream sequence. before falling at the paws of a huge pink machine gun-toting bunny, i managed to frighten a nightmare to death.
"Talking while fighting is stupid."
Rogue: ... a nat 1...
DM: ~takes a deep breath~ You find a tin garbage can (we are in a cavern by the way) you kick it over, full plate falls out. You put it on, and proceed to prance around the cavern playing "Yankee Doodle" on the trashcan. You then feel it is a good idea to get IN the tin garbage can and roll around while wearing the full plate. After a exausting game of "roll the can" you then decided to play kick the can with yourself and-
Rogue: HEY! WAIT A MINUTE. Where did this garbage can come from?
DM: Damn, your absolutely right, ok, before that you take the sledge hammer that was on the floor and mine the ore and take the ore and craft it into a trash can, roll a Craft Check.
Rogue: ...3
Dm: ok, so you roll and kick a poorly made trashcan while wearing full plate.
Rogue: Right, did they hear me?
DM:
Isaac (Strong Hero3/Martial Artist1): I want to autofire the stuff beyond the wall. (he succeeds on autofiring the squares)
DM: Ok, let me roll to see if you get through the cube wall. *pause* ok, you do. *he rolls some more dice*
you kill three guards, and ... *rolls more dice* :OMG! ...Two helpless office workers Isaac: Suck it, Dilbert!
Later, the party comes into a large room where a large group of Hungarians(don't ask) are firing on some guards standing around a staircase. The party Fast Hero/Gunslinger has been looking over his character sheet. Suddenly his face lights up.
Dig: So, how far is it to the staircase?
DM: uh, 30 feet.
Dig: and how many guards are there?
DM: Five.
Dig: :D I'll run across the room, through the guards and up the stairs, and make a Tumble check to avoid their attacks of opportunity. *he rolls a 25 on tumble*
(Note: The DM is literally beating his head against the table as his perfectly planned encounter is ruined)
Dig: So, what lesson have we learned today?
DM: Never let you play again?
Player: Finger of Death, meet Finger Of Defiance!!!
CLERIC: "Dude, there's no Baneblades in D&D!"
ME: "Yes, but there are Basilisks."
DM: "No... they're very different."
ME: "Irrelivent. The Basilisk has 240-inch range, thus so long as there's a 40K battle going on in this room with a Basilisk on their table, it's in range and can fire."
DM: "Fine, then we can fire back!"
ME: "What? Whoever heard of a longbow with the same range of an Earthshaker cannon! Sometimes I think you're just being stupid on purpose!"
To explain this joke, for those who don't understand...
40K is a tabletop sci-fi wargame. The Basilisk is a VERY powerful artillery piece. During a big gaming day, we had a huge tank-battle, and out of boredom we started sniping other people's games, killing half a dozen LoTR Uruk-Hai, and a regiment of Chaos Knights from Warhammer Fantasy. From then on, it has been widely accepted that if it's in range, it's a fair target.
Anti: This is your last chance. Give me the artifact.
Omni: Fine. Catch!
I fling the artifact up in the air, and Anti jumps for it, as I dive down. Just in time for Anti to get hit by the low bridge and fall away.
Omni: Wow! I can't believe that worked. Wait a second . . .
Slightly more planning, and I could have specified I fell to my back to snatch it from Anti's hand as he flew past.
Just as a note: yes, Anti would have hit the bridge. He was moving with the vehicle, so even if he jumped off it, his own momentum would carry him forward into the bridge.
What could go possibly wrong?
The Crew:
Show
Leader of the Squad and general Goody Goody: The Paladin Murdoc, a mighty force of goodness complete with shiny noble steed.
Brains of the crew and general condescending arcanist: The Wizard Boyle, there's something about Maximize that must be nice.
The link to the dwarven gods and their stash of ale: The Cleric Dun'verdin, a rather rotund dwarf with a penchant for the....belchy things in life.
The help, bait, trap-springer, sacrifice, bait, occasional smart-mouth, bait, and possibly overly lucky to have lived past conception: Raz, the rogue-mage!
Warning: Characters are at approximately level 12.
Brains of the crew and general condescending arcanist: The Wizard Boyle, there's something about Maximize that must be nice.
The link to the dwarven gods and their stash of ale: The Cleric Dun'verdin, a rather rotund dwarf with a penchant for the....belchy things in life.
The help, bait, trap-springer, sacrifice, bait, occasional smart-mouth, bait, and possibly overly lucky to have lived past conception: Raz, the rogue-mage!
Warning: Characters are at approximately level 12.
Though I still can't WAIT for his original campaign (Steel Fang) to get going again!
I want to see if he gets the princess
.And the DM of THAT campaign said he still has a small/fractional/infinitesimal chance!
A CHANCE!
NG WereCheetah Shaman of Ehlona: "Unlike you I am aware of all the customes of her religion, therefore, if this were ever to truely happen, the better chance would be mine."
CN Half Fiend Barbarian of Kord: "Yes, but I have rock hard abbs."
Shaman: "You obviously know nothing of Ehlona!"
Barbarian: "No, but I DO know something about rock hard abbs!"
A Male Changeling PC, as a joke, transforms into an attractive Human Female, before meeting the other PCs. The Male Human Barbarian PC is none the wiser.
Barbarian, snapping fingers and pointing at Changeling's chest: "Are those real or are they enchanted?"
Changeling transformes into a large, male half-orc
Changeling: "YOU WANNA SAY THAT AGAIN, BUB?!?" {In Hulk Hogan's voice.}
Barbarian then spends two hours of real time in fetal position, sucking thumb.
A Master of Many Forms turns into a bear and starts challenging people to wrestling matches.
Half Storm-Giant Barbarian: "I walk over and accept his challenge, after going into a rage!"
Elven Fighter: "I leave the temple, what do I see?"
DM: "Well, as the smoke clears from the now in-ruins archery range-" {Glares at Raptoran} "-you see a large purple man and a polar bear in wooden full-plate having a wrestling match."
why do you have exotic weapon proficiency sliced bread? -- MeYou are defending a fort town owned by your companion and sergeant of equal rank, from an invading army of the good guys. (Yep, they're finally on the offensive.) After successfully stealing their trebuchet from under their noses, you and your army of 750 militia (all with arrows) are all wrecking havoc. Only the captain of the army, a paladin, remains. He'd rather die than flee, you suppose.
And it's your birthday.
Me IC: Happy Birthday, B****.
You know, 750 critical hits, each with maximum damage, tends to make paladins into pincushions.
Not to mention the Tarrasque decided to stop eating and go back to sleep on the same day. And the warforged's birthday present? 100gp.
lv 10 fighter: dafalcon
lv 7 cleric: forgot his name
well graeak just bought a masterwork cart for his plan
this lead to a discussion:
dafalcon: where do you need a masterwork cart for?!
cleric: yeah you spend most of the party money on that cart idiot!
me: remeber when we went to the futere well, I proudly present to you: THE WIZMOBILE!!
at that point my dm started doing the batman themessong
we couldn't stop laughing for like 30 min or so
sorry if my english is crappy, it's a second language to me.
So anyway, he tells the elemental that it should douse itself in holy water to redeem itself.
The next thing he said before suffering 4th degree burns and making a recurring enemy: "Oops."
party: lv9 wizard/lv1 planeshifter (me): graeak
lv 10 fighter: dafalcon
lv 7 cleric: forgot his name
well graeak just bought a masterwork cart for his plan
this lead to a discussion:
dafalcon: where do you need a masterwork cart for?!
cleric: yeah you spend most of the party money on that cart idiot!
me: remeber when we went to the futere well, I proudly present to you: THE WIZMOBILE!!
at that point my dm started doing the batman themessong
we couldn't stop laughing for like 30 min or so
sorry if my english is crappy, it's not my mother language
Your english was fine until you said it wasn't your mother language.
Instead, say: "English is a second language to me."
DN: Ooh, mummy, ghast, mohrg, well I know what I'm doing for my birthday
DM: You're going to find Random Commoner Village #9 and create a wraith!
On the discussion of a Cleric/Assassin character:
DM: "I shall smite thee for my bread!" or "I shall stab you thrice in the heart because that guy in the alley told me to!"
=Room erupts into laughter=
The DN somehow got the idea to be the guy who invents the condom in D&D, and sells it through a controlled zombie:
DM: Imagine the sales pitch, "This will protect against syphilis, chlamydia, and my braaiiinnsss"
The DM in the room is known for making jokes based somewhere between roleplaying and sarcasm spontaneously, so this proved to be pretty good. He's also well known as being me :P
The Key members of the Cast. Tain (My Epic level wizard who hasn't ever worshiped any gods and everyone knows it), and The Archmage (who is the head of the Royal Mages Academy and my boss and who OOC we realized was the BBEG, but in game only learned last session).
Situation: We had been sent by the Archmage to retrieve a very uber powerful artifact. We were returning with it on an airship (very high up) when we were attacked. Tain had the artifact and it got knocked out of his hands and went overboard.
Tain: I jump overboard and make myself as aerodynamic as possible to catch up to and catch the artifact (most of the players and DM went :OMG! so I had to explain OOC that I had feather fall memorised (sp?) and the drop was long enough for me to cast it once I had the artifact. At this point the DM fell off his chair laughing - never a good thing).
DM: Two words - Wild Magic
Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN WILD MAGIC!!! (His spell failed)
Tain: I flap my arms and suddenly realise the error of my ways and that the teachings of The Goddess of Air (I can't remember her name at the moment) truely appeals to me, so I shall pray for forgiveness of a lifetime of ignorrance. Oh, and I also mention this small issue of me plumitting to my death.
DM: You feel all warm and fuzzy with your new beliefs, however, you are still falling.
Tain: Still flapping my arms, is it helping.
DM: Your arms are getting a good workout. You crash through the glass ceiling, Desk and floor of The Archmages Office at the Royal College of Wizards while he is drinking tea, taking his favorite teapot (previous adventure) with you.
Me: I assume I'm dead.
DM: Yes
Me: Then Tain's revenge activates (Contingency style spell that activate on my death. An Epic version of fireball with bits added)
After rolling damage, we determine that I killed The Archmage, along with a large part of the Tower. Therefore The Archmages contingency went off (similar to mine but a bit different (afterall where do you think Tain learned how to create such a spell). By the end the top half of the tower had been destroyed, with one exception, the artifact made all it's saves and came through the whole lot without a scratch!
Later on the rest of the party found a small part of me and True Res'd me. That ladies and gentlemen is how Tain become the new Archmage of (what was left of it) The Royal Wizards Accademy and new devotee of the Goddess of Air!
ME: Can it be reasoned with?!
ILLITHID NPC: Uhhh... no!
ME: Then it must be killed. - kills the shantak and it's mother. -
Originally posted by nicholcm
Tain: I flap my arms and suddenly realise the error of my ways and that the teachings of The Goddess of Air (I can't remember her name at the moment) truely appeals to me, so I shall pray for forgiveness of a lifetime of ignorrance. Oh, and I also mention this small issue of me plumitting to my death.
DM: You feel all warm and fuzzy with your new beliefs, however, you are still falling.
Tain: Still flapping my arms, is it helping.
DM: Your arms are getting a good workout. You crash through the glass ceiling, Desk and floor of The Archmages Office at the Royal College of Wizards while he is drinking tea, taking his favorite teapot (previous adventure) with you.
Me: I assume I'm dead.
DM: Yes
Thank you! That has made my day very bright and all loverly!
My tiefling monk/rogue has just gotten seriously whacked and was about to thumped on from behind by an orc with a great-axe. My buddy playing the druid/wizard looks at me and says "You have a good save against fire, right?" before turning to the DM and informing him that he's casting a fireball centered five feet behind me. (Thank heavens for Evasion).
me and my new group are going through this dungeon, (trying to be) avoiding traps, killing stuff, the usual. then, we hapen upon a room with what seem to be a dwarf fighter and a beserker. now, ehat's the first thing our party thinks of when they see something sentient?
"send in the bard!" (the bard is me, by the way.. )
and so i was put into a room with two angry dwarves, who have orders to kill anything unfamilliar that moves. what does Mat do?
i stick my hands up in the air and yell "parley, parley!"
the fighter(i think) stops his buddy with a "wait- don't kill that one. he has pretty hair."
mind you, i play a half-elven, redhaired, male bard.
Nithe had produced a training dummy, filled with straw, from somewhere and had set it up next to him as he watched the fight. The training dummy had a painted smiley face and wore a battered helmet.
"So, you say that these Samurai are on the side of good, do you Jim?" Nithe asked the dummy as he watched the battle erupt. "But where do they come from?"
The dummy smiles blankly.
"You're kidding me."
No change.
"Seriously? Man. So, Jim, what do you think about this nonsense from Kamigawa? I mean, there are dimensional boundaries between here and there. Why are we constantly being attacked by these sass-holes?"
A dying warrior falls to the ground in front of Nithe as an Oni bites out his throat to silence his screams. Nithe doesn't even look away from the scarecrow.
"Facinating. You are scintillating, Jim!"
No change in the dummy's smiling expression.
"I'll tell you what's what, though, I reckon that these armored humans are going to win, possibly taking heavy losses from some final showdown move from the chief of these demons, who will either die in a mighty fight against that geezer on the horse or run away. What do you say to THAT!?"
A demon flys towards Nithe, who takes the time to club it with his arm in a strike that sends it reeling, teeth shattered. He turns back to Jim, appearing to hang on every imaginary word.
"Jim, if you were a lady, I'd be asking you to marry me right now."
Pause.
"Jimmette, you say?"
Pause.
"Jimmette, in your beauty and grace, will you take the hand of this poor, mad, Malkavian vampire in marriage? All I can offer you is the fact that, because you are constructed of straw, I will not drain all your blood."
The training dummy does not move.
"Yes!!" Shouted Nithe, punching the air and capering around. "I'm going to be married!"
The scarecrow continues to smile, oblivious to the commitment it has just made. Nithe crows happily as he searches rapidly for champagne.
A post from an online role-playing forum, by my Malkavian Vampire who's... a bit out there.
A Malkavian and only a bit out there?
I prefer my Gangrel character who hated being dead (it sucked) and (after two years of game-time) tried performing a ritual that would make him human.
It failed.
He became a werewolf instead :D
{Storyteller aficionados will appreciate the irony}
Very heroic. Did Raz have that Cubic Gate? all along, or did he pickpocket the warlord on the way to the Abyss?
Paladin: Okay, what is your pet?
Gnome: :D : Its a ziggy... its like a thing, that moves and makes noises.
Druid: Whats the color of its fur?
Gnome: :D : Doesn't have fur.
Palidin: What's the color of its scales?
Druid: What's the color of its mass?
Gnome: :D : Doesn't have-
Druid: : :headexplo : It has mass!!!
Hmmmm... How to get a crew of loyal, loving, competent, nubile women though...
A scroll of awaken animal, a scroll of polymorph any object, and a dog covers the loyal, loving, nubile and woman criteria. Roll well on awaken animal and that'll get you competent, too. Intelligence boosting items (Earrings of Intelligence?) would come in handy should awaken animal churn out a less-than-competant crew member.
My apologies that I refrence a two-page-old post.
Ranger: I say we goto the bar.
Everyone agrees; At the Bar
BarKeep: What can I get you?
Ranger: Ale all around
Barkeep tallies it
Bard: How about for the price of on the house
Barkeep: I think not, leave
Barbarian: No.
Barkeep calls in the bouncers
Barbarian: I pull out my ax and kill them
Kills one than city guard come in
Guardsman: Whats the meaning of this
Barbarian: They wouldn't give me beer.
Guardsman: Off to the gallows
Looks at the rest of the party
... Do you fellows know this guy?
Bard, Ranger, Sorcerer: Nop
They leave, walking through town they find a shoevl sitting outside the door of a house...they take it. Bard with shovel in hand walks into the middle of the farmers field.
OOC: bard player: I start digging
Me(dm) What??? Why?
Bard player: For treasure of course!
Me:
<> indicates speech in Abyssal.
'the Necklace' refers to a Necklace of Fireballs V
Cleric: <"Faustus, drop the Necklace and RUN">
Faustus (me): <"But it's a gift for Darling!">
Cleric: <"JUST DO IT!">
Faustus: <"Hold on, Darling just gave me an idea..."> to the Mino "If you take this shiny necklace will you leave us alone?"
Rogue/Fighter (Whispering to Cleric): "What's that psycho doing?"
Cleric: "I don't know."
Minotaur: "YOU WILL BURN!"
Faustus: "You first!" *drops the necklace, runs, and casts Abaganazzar's Scorcher. The Necklace makes it save*
Me(OOC): (Various expletives)
Then the Mino does his firebreath...and the DM decided the Necklace got hit by the fire too... the Necklace FAILS this time, for a 30d6 -> 100 damage. Despite the fact that the Minotaur made the save...
DM: How do you like your Minotaur...medium or well-done?
Me: Faustus likes his entrails rare thank you very much.
While splitting up our gains, it was decided to give it either to my dwarf fighter, Tungsten, or the other fighter, Xavier. However, we could not agree on who got it, both of us claiming we 'didn't really need it'.
Tungsten: I know! Let's have a jumping contest!
Xavier: A jumping contest?
Tungsten: Yes, whoever wins doesn't need the ring, and the loser gets it.
Xavier: Fine by me.
So the next morning we locate a small field near the tavern, dressed as lightly as possible. (our full plates were being enchanted elsewhere) Tungsten loses badly, and gets the ring.
After writing the details on my sheet, I notice the rather high Jump modifier I now have.
Tungsten (OOC): Wow, that's a +7 for my ranks, +3 for my strength, and another +10 from the ring.
One of the other players: Wow, a bouncing dwarf.
Tungsten (OOC): Dashing and daring, courageous and caring... *Gummi Bears theme song* ... bouncing here and there and everywhere!
*Gets pelted with stuff*
In another game, we had just got done exploring a bit of the underdark, and with no encounters with any Drow, the party all except for my Lasher Fighter got spooked and decided to return to the surface. My fighter wanted so bad to go further but followed back with the group and was told to keep the matter secret. While drinking in the tavern my drunk fighter started loosening his lips a bit and overexaggerrating his trip explaining to patrons that Evil drow were right underneath their town and they had fangs, powerful weapons and massive armies hellbent on domination. By morning, the city had arranged for an underdark exploring team to go descending down, least to say the rest of the party was surprised.
Our wizard, Titus, spoke:
Titus: Hey captain, that's a nice bird you have there.
The Captain furrows his brow, looks to his shoulder and screams, swatting at the bird as it squawks and flies off in the matter of someone slapping at a spider or something.
Hey, I thought it was hilarious.
characters get to ~8th lvl including 2 soldier/jedi guardians, a noble/fringer, scout, fringer, and something else (i don't remember).
noble/fringer wants his family business back that has been hijacked by the empire. to do this we destroy the existing business (as incognito as possible) and set up someone else to run it (again incognito).
session 1 of trying to remove impiral puppets:
scouting/pretending to be an investor, finding trustworthy friend to run new business, getting money for guns to give to mining slaves, getting guns to mining slaves. mostly successful.
session 2 of trying to remove imperial puppets:
final scouting for invasion followed by initial invasion. pirate boss has powered-down, decomissioned victory-class star destroyer in orbit for space combat/ backup. 2 hours of attack planning including where to put bombs in the building to blow it up.
assault building. fringer says, "oh i forgot to get something. can we go back?"
i say, "no, you guys are charging the building."
soldier/jedi says, "WE FORGOT TO BUY THE BOMBS!!!!"
Senator: Neeble, I will rip you apart with my toes!
Neeble: *does backflip and Mirror Image*
Neeble: Which one?
Senator: That one! OOC: I punch the nearest one with Freezing the Lifeblood.
DM: *rolls percentile* it disappears and another splits off of one of them.
Neeble: *laughs*
Senator: There will be vengence! *punches another*
DM: Miss, another appears.
Neeble: *shoots two prismatic arrows, one hits doing a fair amount of damage*
Senator: YAAARRRRRRR OOC: Another Freezing the lifeblood on... *looks around* that one there!
DM: *Rolls* You hear a muffled squeak and your fist connects with halfling face. He lands on his back paralyzed.
Senator: Now, little man, we will play. *sets Neeble upside down against a wall and Flurry of Blows him to death.
Senator: I rip his head off.
DM: what?
Senator: I rip his head off and throw it down that pit over there. The one with spikes in it.
DM: okay....
Senator: I throw a fireball bead into the hole.
DM: He's already dead.
Senator: *screaming* VERY BAD MAN DIE IN FIRE.
there's a running gag now about how the only thing halfling bards are good for is dying in fires.
This is my first ever DMing session. Done in a medium magic european area in a small little valley with a few villagers and alot of farms. all first level they just meet up (they are lifelong friends apparently)
Ranger: I say we goto the bar.
Everyone agrees; At the Bar
BarKeep: What can I get you?
Ranger: Ale all around
Barkeep tallies it
Bard: How about for the price of on the house
Barkeep: I think not, leave
Barbarian: No.
Barkeep calls in the bouncers
Barbarian: I pull out my ax and kill them
Kills one than city guard come in
Guardsman: Whats the meaning of this
Barbarian: They wouldn't give me beer.
Guardsman: Off to the gallows
Looks at the rest of the party
... Do you fellows know this guy?
Bard, Ranger, Sorcerer: Nop
They leave, walking through town they find a shoevl sitting outside the door of a house...they take it. Bard with shovel in hand walks into the middle of the farmers field.
OOC: bard player: I start digging
Me(dm) What??? Why?
Bard player: For treasure of course!
Me:
Why did you tell them to leave?
Lunar Shadow(me)- elven Wizard/ Fighter
Solar Shadow-Halfling rouge/Sorcerer
Cheese-Human cleric
Cracker(has identity issues, this is his third name change)-Human ranger
We were attacked by bandits while returning to the nearest town to sell some gems we came across and all but the rouge were knocked out and captured. (He has good luck and a + 8 hide and +11 move silently) So he follows them to their lair (A cave with 4 houses in front of the entrance) and lir one of the building's on fire to bring the bandits out of the cave. WHile this is going on, the rest of the party wake up in a jail cell. After we escape the cell(I blasted the guard in the face wit magic missle so the ranger could grab him and take his keys) on guard turned the corner and since we had no weapons couldn't kill him before he brought back 2 other guards. After disarming them after a few rounds of combat and the two living one's run. The ranger decide's to throw the axe he took from the bandit. The bandit was 25 feet away, and the DM says he needed a 20 to hit him. *Ranger rolls 3 20's*
Party and DM: :OMG!
Lunar Shadow(Me): IC: Holy
balls!After the escape while setting up camp.
Lunar Shadow(Me): "Cheese, why did your parent's give you that name?"
Cheese: "My father was a dairy farmer"
Lunar:"Your dad was a sick
"Cheese: "That's what my mom always said"
Party and DM:
few minutes after that
Cheese: "Cracker (the ranger had changed his name from spartan and is planing to change it again) how did you get your name?"
Cracker "My dad was a weat framer" :D
Lunar: Must I say it again?: Your dad was a sick
"Cracker: "That's what my other father said"
Party:
DM:
*Throws gatorade bottle at ranger and hits him between the eyes.Rest of the Party:
Dread Necromancer: Okay, so let me get this straight, we started with the Replicators from Stargate, then in an attempt to destroy them, we wound up with the Borg from Star Trek, and then when we almost do destroy them, we end up with the T-1000 from Terminator? What's next!?
DM (Me): Well, I could always have them show up saying-
DN: If you say either "Delete" or "You will be upgraded" I will personally see to it that you look like the first Cybermen of Doctor Who.
DM: I'm not sure why you're so annoyed, lots of fighting means lots of bodies, isn't that a boon to your business?
DN:
#smiles# :D DM: This is going to be another one of those things I tell you that I immediately regret isn't it?
DM: You walk into a large rift in the cavern, exposing a horizontal shaft that opens into a small cavern about 20 feet wide and 30 feet long. The cieling is only about 8 feet high. In the center off the room is a large earthen mound. Roll a spot.
Me *rouge*: 24
DM: You notice four large casks behind the mound.
Fighter: Whats in the mound.
Me: Dunno. I search. 32
DM: As you search the room you slowly approach the casks. One has been broken open, revealing a pile of smoke powder that has sifted out. You also begin to notice hundreds of small insects crawling in and around the mound. They haven't crawled on you yet, but they are coming closer.
Me: I throw handfuls of the smoke powder on the mound, and the rest of the broken cask, followed by my torch.
DM: Roll your attack to see if you land the torch where you want it.
Fighter, Cleric, and Druid in unison: Umm.....*shakes their head*
Me: 24
DM: The smoke powder goes off.
Me: What happens?
DM: You don't know.
Me: Why not?
DM: You can't see.
Me: Why not?
DM: Becuase you just ingnited 17 pounds of smoke powder in a 20X30 foot room.
Me: Oh....That's not good.
Druid: No.......No it's not.
Me: What about the small insects?
DM: What about them? They're ants. Plain 'ole, run of the mill ants. Congratulations. It will take *rattle rattle* 5 hours for the slight breeze to clear the smoke from the rest of the cave complex.
Sorcerer: Nice....
Me: Sorry. I sit down.
DM: You hear something in the bushes
Me: I look in the bushes
DM: you find two adorable little cubs
Me: I eat them. (Half-orc barbarian)
We had just gotten attacked by an Infernal (from the ELH), and it had summoned 4 pitfiends.
I had, the round before cast a spell that gives the caster one additional action that can only be used to cast spells per round.
dm: Ok, Tamori, it's your turn
me: Ok, i cast (spell that allows expendeture of void points for 1 additional spell of 4th lv or lower to be cast). Then i need 14 reflex saves... from each of them.
dm:
group:
i single handedly killed all 4 of the pit fiends....
Psion: MAXIMIZED SONIC BLAST! *Blamf! Baddy drops*
Me (Lurk, psionic assassin): Well, I feel... heroic *Was on 6hp, psywarrior was on 0hp, psion was on 3. I had done the grand total of no damage during the battle).
Psion: Victory dance! *Peform dance check*
DM: Roll me another fortitude save, everyone.
*Rolls, everyone takes 5 damage. Everyone but me drops. It seemed that the bad guy's cold aura was still functioning even after death.*
Me: Urgh... wand of CLW on myself, while out of 30ft.
*More damage*
Me: *Strolls over and heals the Psiwarrior*
DM: Another six damage everyone.
*Psiwarrior drops again, psion dies.*
Me: ... *sigh* ... *Heals self*
DM: *More damage*
Me: *Heals psiwarrior for 2hp - note I couldn't drag him away because he's an 8ft half-giant and I don't have that much strength*
DM: *More damage, half giant is at -7 and I'm at 1.
Me: Now, I've got one more chance to heal. I can either heal myself, the selfish and cowardly thing to do, or I could attempt to heal my friend - which is a long shot, but he might survive. Wait! I see the light of Pelor! The grace of goodness and the joy of selfless healing! I see the light! I shall heal my friend, and send my soul to the blessed fields of Elsylum! I take a five foot step to the right to fall on my knees and pray.
*Steps out of cold aura, half-giant dies*
Me: *Using wand of CLW on self* I crack me up.
Me: How does that work?
DM: I dunno, I bet if the baddies saw you they'd be like "Hey George, I didn't know we had a mime!"
Maybe you had to be there...
Sorceror: I cast ethereal jaunt and sneak into the minotaur camp.
DM Ok, you end up in one of their tents. There are four minotaurs talking.
Sorceror: I cast delayed blast fireball on the nearest one and get the hell outta there. *rolls* *looks at damage*
First minotaur Did Kelnoj just spontaneouly combust?
Second Minotaur Yes.
First minotaur: Cool. :D
Druid,"Damnit if you had just let me enstill some morals in her, we could be out killing things right now!"
While exploring a nearly abandoned mansion of a demonologist thought dead, one trapped telescope that the rogue looked through before falling into a pit trap read,"DO NOT TOUCH MY THINGS":
Player Rogue: ...ugh that *BBEG* makes me so mad, I am going to destroy all his things...don't touch his things
DM: ok
Player Rogue: I rip up his bed and shred his pillows with my teeth!!!
DM: alright, but you look a little down in the mouth
Other player (who also runs World's Largest Dungeon): No such thing as an empty, pointless room...
Me: Unless you're playing WLD...
*snip*
Player Rogue: ...ugh that *BBEG* makes me so mad, I am going to destroy all his things...don't touch his things
DM: ok
Player Rogue: I rip up his bed and shred his pillows with my teeth!!!
DM: alright, but you look a little down in the mouth
LMFAO
"Well, I´m gonna find me some Gnomish ladies. I find taller women attractive... "
I thought it was funny at the time, at least.
The cast:
Xavier Eichmann, Fox Moreau Dedicated hero (me)
Meranda, robo-ferret smart hero
Hiro, human tough hero mech pilot
Nauro, fast hero fist-fighter
Baden, fast hero chopper mechcanic
In a bar:
DM: As you look around, you see a gonk droid. Along with its normal duties, it seem to have been rigged to serve another perpouse.
Meranda: What is it some sort of hooker bot?
Hiro (sarcastic): Yes. Its a hooker-bot. Thats why it's a BOX!
Later, as we were tracking down some smart-*** of a bar patron, Hiro is in his mech suit:
DM: You see the man duck into a abandond quik-e-mart.
Hiro: Can I fit through the door?
DM: No.
Hiro: Oh, I fit though the door!
*Busts down door*
Hiro: REMEMBER ME?! *rolls nat 20 on intimidate, gets a total of 39*
Bar Patron: *
pants in every way possible*Earlier:
Me, while looking at the melon juce and coffee stains on his character sheet:
Geez what did you do with that? Try to towl-off a zombie?!
Human Rogue: That's nice.
Kobold geomancer: I killed my father... and fed him to my wolf.
Human Rogue:So... about that impending abyssal apocalypse...
At the entrance to a cave which unbeknownst to the players has a sphere of annuhilation blocking the cave about 15 feet in.
Grig Sorcerer with goggles of night: Well, I can only see about 15 feet in so there must be some magical darkness that starts there, better be careful on this one.
Axiomatic Elf Samurai: Nonsense! Charge!
DM: Roll perception
[I make it]
DM: You see a gnome trying to sneak along the trail.
Lae: Do you that that?
Doc: See what?
Lae: The spy!
Doc: Spy, where?!
Lae: There! *pokes at gnome*
Gnome: I'm not a spy!
Lae: It's a spy!
Doc: Spy! *casts Color Spray*
Gnome: I'm not a- *falls unconscious*
All this happened in the span of about 6 seconds. We all laughed about it for a few minutes afterwards and still tease the Gnome about being a spy.
DM: "You see what appears to be a wide, flat green stone rising out of the water on the port side of the ship, at least fifty feet wide... than the stone grows eyestalks. And claws. It doesn't take a genius to see that this is one MASSIVE crab."
Ship Captain: "Oh my Gods! It's Pow-Ammah!"
Me OOC: Wait... Pow-Ammah? Isn't that from a Rudyard Kipling story?... Yes, I remember now! The Crab that Played with the Sea! I make a Knowledge: Fairy Tales check; how did they deal with this monster in the book? *Rolls a 19*
DM: In the story, the great wizard cursed Pow-Ammah, and made his shell come off, revealing the softness underneath and rendering Pow-Ammah defenseless.
Me OOC: Okay then! I'll just get my crowbar...
DM: Don't even try it. You're going to beat up Pow-Ammah the conventional way or I'm sinking your ship.
Me OOC: That's okay, I can swim back.
The cast.
Fighter, Muscle, not much else
Wizard, Lots of combat spells
Cleric, AKA Medic
Bard, AKA Oi you
(you can tell this is a very serious, role play intesive group cant you!)
Wizard: Well, according to the map, we are in an area called the Valley of Dragons, surrounded by lots of Skulls and Bones and warnings of death and the words there be dragons here.
Cleric
: I jump into the Fighters ArmsWizard
: I grab the Fighter close and try not to tembleBard
: "Which isn't surprising really, considerring we came here to hunt dragons!Wizards :embarrass : Lets go off fighter. "Phew, I thought we were in real trouble then!"
DM:
Us:
The set up: We have a gnome Sorceress who's as vain as they come, and not too bright. We're fighting a group of goblinoids and a Hell-hound or two.
DM: You fail your reflex save against the beast's breath weapon, crying out in pain as the flames sear you for 6 damage.
Sorceress:
You fiend! I'm looting your corpse to pay my dry-cleaning bill!Me: OOC
It's a bleedin' wolf-thingy! It won't be carrying any cash!Sorceress: The. Wolf. Thingy. Is. Paying. My. Dry-Cleaning. Bill!!!!
---------
DM: The enemy magus calls out strange words, clapping his hands to his chest and vanishing in a sizzle of blue light.
Sorceress: OOC Spellcraft! *Rolls* 1
DM: You think that was "Summon Badger."
Sorceress: Badger?!
Cute badger to hug! 1)
Setting: Tavern with a dozen or more zombies outside.
Character: Halfling rogue with a crossbow.
DM: ... so what are you going to do?
HR: I draw my crossbow, then get behind the bar for better cov-
(without skipping a beat)
Wait now I can't see anything.
DM and rest of party: ...
2)
Same character, outside of a guarded house.
The second character was a guy who had never played before in his life, but fit right in with giving the HR a hard time (all in good fun of course
)Halfling with a charisma of about 10 trying to sweet talk the guard for about 10 minutes...
Guard (DM): Who are you, anyway?
HR: Milo Brushwacker
Guard: Brushwacker? What are you from a family of painters or something?
SC: No, but he comes from a long line of wackers.
We also had another botched charisma roll with the same HR that ended with my character shoving him out of the way, turning to the person he was talking to and saying,
"Ignore the Halfling, he's simple."
The phrase haunts the player to this day.
We were all snorting, til the wizard player put on a
look, then we all bursted out laughing when it finnally dawned on what he said.This happened last game. We just found a giant golden goblet in a hill giant temple's treasury. The ranger had made references that we are all dirty and will need a bath soon. The greedy wizard stated that with his magic and the goblet we all could take golden baths.
We were all snorting, til the wizard player put on a
I don't get it.
golden bath is a adult act of peeing on someone, also known as golden shower.
Now that is really taking the p**s ...
Although this wasn't D&D me and my friend rp over msn,and we do quite a good job of it,lets see if i can remember a good moment,here's a pretty good one(E means eric and NY means nyura)
Ny:*a while later* hmm... Sterth is usally up by now
E: i wonder what she's doing
Ny: unno... you going to check?
E: might as well
Ny: alright
E:*gets up and heads up to sterth's room*
E:*knocks on the door
*he can hear snoreing inside*
E:*opens the door abit and looks in*
Sterth:*naked and sparawled on the bed, snoreing loudly, her room is mostly a mess*
E:*enters and closes the door behind him* what happened here?
Sterth: huh?
E: good morning
Sterth: oh, morning..
E: so what happened here?
Sterth: oh, uhh..*looks around*
E: little to much "fun" last night?
Sterth: yeah...
Sterth: had a party...
E: any reason your naked?
Sterth: again, to much fun maybe? unno, don't rember much...
E: oh boy
DM (me): OK. Before we get started, what are every ones alignments?
Ranger: I'm Neutral.
Rogue: I'm Neutral.
Fighter: I'm Neutral.
Drunken Master: I'm Smashed!
My First campaign and the begins before i start it!
DM (me): OK. Before we get started, what are every ones alignments?
Ranger: I'm Neutral.
Rogue: I'm Neutral.
Fighter: I'm Neutral.
Drunken Master: I'm Smashed!
I think we have a winner.
(Before things start) DM:Alright, what will you all be?
Player 1: A commoner. An epic commoner. I will farm the land like it has never been farmed before!
DM:She (the NPC) speaks with a strong Dahrish accent.
Shadowdancer, OOC:Dahrish?
DM:Yes, from the kingdom of Dahr.
Fighter OOC: The kingdom of Dahr? Is that on the border with the kingdom of Durrrrr?
DM: Shut up.
DM:You see two planar portals. Through one you see what seems to be a resort plane with parties day and night, the second is a magma-covered wasteland with a large spire jutting up through the clouds of ash that coat the sky.
Red Wizard:I think i'll make a wish to be both at the resort plane and stay here completing the quest, but have the me here get the best sandwich ever.
Shadowdancer, OOC:I dunno, man. It's five thousand XP gone.
Red Wizard, OOC:It's a party plane there. There'll be scores of hot women, and I've got 30 charisma.
I mean, sex and the best sandwich ever is like...sex and the best sandwich ever!Red Wizard:I cast prestidigitation on the fighter's ale so it tastes like water.
FighterI drink the ale and ask for another
Fighter and Red Wizard:*rinse, repeat*
Fighter and Red Wizard:*rinse, repeat* (and so forth)
DM (after the sixth ale):Alright, the fighter is drunk, sloshed, smashed, hammered, inebriated,
faced. These are not all synonyms listed for effect; the fighter is all of these cumulatively.Battered, beaten and bloody, they teleport back to the entrance, to find the 'ally' who'd been ordering them around for months waiting for them with a small army.
This was supposed to be the ultimate encounter of the game, a massive set piece battle with this ally/enemy they'd all got thoroughly sick of.
Party Sorcerer: I cast meteor swarm. And I use sudden maximize on it.
DM: *closes binder* There goes that ultimate encounter.
Fifteen opponents. Total hit points well over two thousand. No single creature with hit points of 192 or more.
DM:She (the NPC) speaks with a strong Dahrish accent.
Shadowdancer, OOC:Dahrish?
DM:Yes, from the kingdom of Dahr.
Fighter OOC: The kingdom of Dahr? Is that on the border with the kingdom of Durrrrr?
DM: Shut up.
I would have said, "Wow, I've never met anyone from dahr before."
I was invited over to a game one night, and was asked by the crew to play Raz the Rogue-Mage!
Still wondering if they were drinking when they asked me that.
Never-the-less, I pull out a 12th level version of the critter, sat down with the other 4 players, and found Raz plummeting to Toril...
Saints and Proxies help Toril!!!
1st Scene - I'm not a Drow -
DM: You are all sitting in your favorite dive in Waterdeep when you begin to hear a distinctly odd sound.
Moon Elf Ranger: I grab my kukris in case it is my favored enemies, the drow yet again assaulting this city!
Human Cleric of Selune: I begin casting Protection from Evil.
Dwarven Fighter: I sit back and chug down the rest of my ale and grab my axe.
Halfling Sorcerer: I scrabble under the table and hide.
DM: The sound becomes louder and louder and you immediately recognize that it's someone screaming. The sound comes from the fireplace and a body hits the fire, smothering it and smoke billows everywhere. Then you see a thin wiry figure coughing, with coal everywhere he appears to have skin as black a-
Ranger: DROW! *Throws both kukri's at the figure, and nails the figure's ears to the mantle above the fire place.
Raz: If I had any feeling in my ears that might've hurt. BARKEEP! A pint of some strong dwarven ale for me!
2nd Scene - Interrogation -
Dwarf: Okay smelly... I'm gonna asks ye kindly again... where do you come from.
Raz: Where ever I wander away from.
Dwarf: Who sent you?
Raz: Who sends anybody these days? Packaging isn't what it used to be.
Dwarf: ARE YOU A SPY FOR THE DROW OF THE UNDERDARK?!
Raz: Underdark...is that a euphemism for summoning children from the plane of babies?
Everyone else:
Cleric: Wow. I thought I knew about dense people...
3rd Scene - Trust & Amoure`-
Halfling Sorcerer: I think we can trust him.
Elven Ranger: On what grounds my friend?
Halfling: Well, my familiar is getting along well with his!
Dwarf: Where is that funny little minx of yours anyways? I don't see her or the stranger's ferret.
Halfling & Raz: You don't want to know. Stupid Empathy...
4th Scene - Mission Statement -
Cleric: Alright, now listen strange one. We're on a quest to face off with terrible dangers.
Raz: Okay.
Cleric: Such horrid things that deal with the possible Creator Races of our world!
Raz: Been there, done that.
Cleric: We must rescue innocents before they are sacrificed to the scaled one's vile gods.
Raz: You can count on me.
Cleric: And finally..... WILL YOU STOP IGNORING THE THREE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN I CONVINCED TO EVEN TRY TO SEDUCE YOU?!
Raz: Seduce me? I was thinking they were trying to pickpocket me! *Was totally absorbed in reading a book on mechanics, while being massaged by three...well ladies from the nearby temple of Selune*
5th Scene - Rescue -
Dwarf: Crud, looks like those Yuan-ti are about to do another live sacrifice! We need to stop it now!
Raz: I've got this. *before anybody else can react, Raz jumps down from his hiding spot, and comes to the bottom of the ramp, less than 30 feet away from the head priest, a yuan-ti of the abomination disposition.
Evil Scaly Dude: You DARE to interrupt thisssss ceremony!?
Raz: Yep, soundssssssssssss about right to me.
Evil Scaly Dude: And who are you to be ssssssso bold?
Raz: Well, here's a hint! *At this point, Raz didn't know about a Yuan-ti's spell resistance, and is forced to make a caster level check, get's lucky and succeeds. He uses a personally researched spell that is a ray, critically hits the priest, catches the priest flat-footed, deals 14d6 good/light damage. And the DM at this point says he shall roll the damage.*
DM: *rolls*
*rolls to see if the high priest makes his Fort save for massive damage* Well... The beam of light strikes the high priest straight in the chest, fizzles a bit, and he begins laughing until he suddenly stops. You see little cracks of light filtering from underneath his scales, then in an eruption of light and dazzling special effects, the highpriest crumbles to black ashes. His circlet rolls down the ramp and lands at Raz's feet.Raz: *steps and crunches the poorly made circlet (wasn't even magical just ceremonial) looks at the dozens of yuan-ti worshippers and says, stealing a line from Transformers the Movie* Any other berk want to fill in his boots?
*And a big fight erupts, heroes save the day, rescue the people, yadda yadda, but then it comes to my time to go home*
6th Scene - Leaving, Casablanca Style -
DM: As Raz begins activating the cubic gate, you see the sorcerer's minx scramble on over to Raz's ferret familiar Chek'um and the two start speaking in that weird lil animal language.
Raz: Do we have to translate?
DM: If you want to.
Stella, Sorcerer's minx familiar: *Clears throat, and goes a pitch higher* Oh Chek'um, but.... I want you to stay here with me! Why can't you stay? I love you!
Chek'um: *Takes on a Humphrey Bogart tone* Listen to me Stella. If I stayed we'd both abandon our masters for a good romp and a chance to raise a family. Sure, we'd be happy, but we'd be sad too because we left them. Left those who trusted us more than any other. And I know I don't want you to regret it. But if I stayed, you'd regret it, and I could never put that feeling on to you. Maybe not today. Mabe not tomarrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.
Stella: I'll never forget you Chek'um, and...and I'll wait for you to return, even only for a brief time.
Chek'um: That maybe will be all I get toots. Well, here's looking at you kid.
Raz: Okay that's enough you two! Gotta go!
And thus a love story between familiars, torn apart by duty and quests, but will their love burn strong even when the very planes themselves distance them apart?
And as Chek'um gets pulled into the gate, he shouts, "STELLA!"
,oh rickel you amuse me yet againanyways,i got a few new ones,dnd related this time.
Well first off my current party is a dragon wizard rogue(don't ask),a mindflayer soulknife/rogue(again,don't ask),a poison dusk lizardfold druid/stromcaster,and a kobold bard,sounds funny already.
Well the kobold bard(named Fidkin) uses a fiddle and enjoys shouting "FEAR THE FIDDLE OF DOOM!" at random people,now heres a recent convo between Den(the lizardfolk) and fidkin.
Fidkin:*sitting on den's snapping turtle writeing a new song* hmm...what rhymes with "doom"
Den: why do you need doom in all of your songs?
Fidkin: i like that word...now what rhymes with doom?
Den: how about bloom our something?
Fidkin: aha! perfect*mutters something about the flower of doom*
Den: doom is a stupid word...
Fidkin: BLASPHEMY!
- Brim - dwarf wizard
- Nin - elf rogue
- Sadon - human rogue/wizard, he and his familiar just joined the party 2 days ago
- Surtur - human LE variant paladin
The party has fought their way into and out of a mysterious desert temple/tomb full of nastiness, run into a half-dragon warning them of a coming storm, and are just getting done arguing over which of two locations to seek shelter in.
Surtur: Seems like you all want to go to the caves. I can pray for some water if that's what you wish.
Sadon: That would be good, though the lack of food still concerns me. Shall we go, then?
Surtur: We could always eat our "new companions".
*Sadon takes a BIG step back from Surtur, sweating bullets*
Sadon: Hey, wait a minute... You don't want to eat me, the poison from that snake may still be circling in my blood.
Brim: "New companions?"
*Nin sighs, irritated at her companions' lack of sense.*
Nin: Can you never make up your damnable minds?
*Nin begins marching north to the caves as the half dragon indicated. Brim follows, and Sadon hurries to catch up so Nin can protect him from Surtur. Surtur reluctantly brings up the rear.*
Surtur: I meant the inhabitants of the caves, silly fools.
Sadon: Whew... for a moment I thought all this time in the sun and the sand may have put... strange thoughts into your mind. My apologies.
Surtur: Don't get me wrong, you'd probably make a great blow-fish like dish, but you aren't my type of blow-fish like dish.
*Nin turns to Surtur with a dead serious expression*
Nin: Oh? You mean we can't eat Sadon anymore? But I you promised..."
Sadon:
Surtur: Only after he's lost his use, Nin. He's still the only one who can speak savage languages.
Sadon: Stay back, I have powers!
*Sadon raises his hands as if to start flinging spells. Nin smiles enticingly at Sadon, and winks.*
Nin: Please, it was merely a joke you silly twit.
Surtur:
Elves don't eat people, they eat gold.Stella, Sorcerer's minx familiar: *Clears throat, and goes a pitch higher* Oh Chek'um, but.... I want you to stay here with me! Why can't you stay? I love you!
I just want to point out... the animal is a *mink*. A minx is something COMPLETELY different.
I just want to point out... the animal is a *mink*. A minx is something COMPLETELY different.
Hey, with the speed those two hit it off, she could be both. ;)
Though the mink had the attitude of a minx you can't mince to...nonono, I shall refrain from trying to make a new tonge-twister...those get me into trouble.
Well Aubri, you're right about the minx/mink bit. Common misspelling really.
Seig heil! Grammar Nazi, away!
Characters are:
- Brim - dwarf wizard
- Nin - elf rogue
- Sadon - human rogue/wizard, he and his familiar just joined the party 2 days ago
- Surtur - human LE variant paladin
The party has fought their way into and out of a mysterious desert temple/tomb full of nastiness, run into a half-dragon warning them of a coming storm, and are just getting done arguing over which of two locations to seek shelter in.
I wonder if it's prudent to mention that 'Surtur' was the Norse god of Fire, set to burn down the old world at the beginning of Ragnarok, or: The Apocalypse...
I wonder if it's prudent to mention that 'Surtur' was the Norse god of Fire, set to burn down the old world at the beginning of Ragnarok, or: The Apocalypse...
Note to self: kill Surtur."Hey baby, did I just turn you on?" ;)
Niwosh is my character, a Warlock who doesn't know much about his powers.
Kaneo is a shifter Totemist.
Massi is a ranger with hawk companion.
Sei is a divine bard, aiming for a spear-user prestige class.
Tetos is a FREAKING HUGE (Okay, Large) glaive tripmonkey.
Mizu is a ninja.
Scene: Exploring below a ruined structure that had the roof smash a hole in the floor while we were staying in it:
As the lantern comes lit, with Massi scaling down the hole on a rope the walls come into view; the chamber is immense in size with horrifying depictions in a cracked and aging mural that wraps around the room of naked human figured being tortured by demonic entities.
The entire scene is shocking, violent, and brutal depicting great and depraved acts of torture.
The murals are painted in a strange and unfamiliar style, a forced perspective of very two-dimensional nature even in design. The human figures are all depicted to be in various states of harm, both physical and mental, and range from various ages. The mural is ten feet high, with the remaining space between the mural and the floor, and the mural and the ceiling being trimmed in rough black painted edges.
* Tetos_Realon lands with a splash and a grunt. He calls up to those above. "I'm at the bottom--" *spots the mural and stops, looking horrified* "By the Eijen..."
"Let's hope the people depicted aren't home, eh? I happen to be allergic to... whatever that is." *gestures at one of the more extreme examples*
Scene: Discovering a wall of solid gold that reacts to gemstones taken from the foreheads of four terra cotta warriors we defeated earlier, Niwosh prepares to hand the fourth gem to someone who may be capable of activating it. (She wasn't, and Niwosh UMD checked the gem active himself, revealing that we need two more gems, and thus can't loot the wall yet ;_;)
"Doesn't seem to be dangerous... yet. If some hideous tentacle beast reaches through and yanks the four of you in, rest assured I will not rest until I'm safely back in town telling an intrepid group of adventurers over a tableful of ale."
Scene: Discovering a statue of a priest to a dead god that smashed when the roof fell through into the chamber, Niwosh attempts to put the pieces together.
*steps around the statue to get a look at the back* "Huh. So we have the son of the Obsidian King, imprisoned ghouls, guardian golems, the Circle of Cathari, a solid gold wall, and now a statue of a man bearing the symbol of Kartri."
"And the Amphisbaena and the Sixfold Curses. I feel like I'm trying to put together a shredded document, only someone's dog ate half the pieces."
"Wasn't me."
Scene: As Sei recounts her backstory, Kaneo's metabolism kicks into gear. Kaneo eating Massi's hawk Kombiz is a recurring OOC joke, which is furthered by the oxen Niwosh has hauling his wagon ALSO wanting to eat Kombiz.
* Kaneo .oO(I'm hungry again.)
* Kaneo stifles a yawn, having heard Sei's story before.
Kombiz's eyes slowly slide to Kaneo...
Kombiz edges closer to Massi as he pecks at his feathers.
* Kaneo eyes Kombiz with a devilish gleam in his eyes.
* Massi turns to Kaneo, a very stern look on his face.
* Kaneo throws his hands up in the air.
"What?"
Scene: After defeating 13 scrubby fighters and a pair of vampire spawn, Kaneo turns his attentions to the essential things of life.
"Hey, guys? I hate to break it to you, but bad news."
"Eh?"
"...it's lunch."
"What's up, Kaneo?
"Lunch time."
"Food."
Scene: After defeating two vampire spawn, a full-fledged vampire, and a shadow mastiff (And us only 4th level!), Kaneo realizes he has forgotten something.
* Kaneo blinks, then jumps to his feet. "Crap!"
* Kaneo runs over to the spot where the second vampire spawn he had downed was.
* Kaneo cups his hands to his mouth and yells down to the vampire's remains. "SURPRISE ATTACK!"
* Kaneo gives the corpse a kick for good measure.
"I always wanted to say that. But common sense dictates that screaming it out _before_ I attack is a bad thing."
Originally Posted by Dareon
"Doesn't seem to be dangerous... yet. If some hideous tentacle beast reaches through and yanks the four of you in, rest assured I will not rest until I'm safely back in town telling an intrepid group of adventurers over a tableful of ale."
You win the internet - Brim - dwarf wizard
- Nin - elf rogue
- Sadon - human rogue/wizard
- Surtur - human LE variant paladin
The party has reached the cave, and found it inhabited as predicted. Brim is resting and keeping watch by the entrance, Nin has disappeared to explore solo, and Surtur and Sadon suddenly find themselves facing a dozen grimlocks in front of them, in a 5' wide hallway.
A grimlock: Intruder! Surrender arms and you may live!
Sadon: These are prop weapons, I'm an actor! *bluff check succeeds*
Grimlock:
.... Drop prop weapon! You prisoner!Surtur: Screw that, this isnt a prop weapon!
*A scuffle ensues, Surtur inflicting and taking some damage, and Sadon blowing a UMD check to activate a mystery staff he acquired awhile back, getting a puff of smoke and nothing else.*
Sadon: *sweating nervously* Heh.... How do you like my incompetent arcanist act?
*Surtur and Sadon hear many approaching footsteps, and turn to see another dozen grimlocks coming up behind them, hemming them in. The grimlocks repeat their demand.*
Angry Grimlock: Surrender?
Sadon: You've more fighting experience than I, can we handle this good sir?
Surtur: Fah! Fine, I'll be a willing prisoner this time. but this isn't usual.
*Sadon immediately embraces surrender, throwing his crossbow, daggers and rapier to the ground. Surtur continues arguing and exchanging threats with the grimlocks. Suddenly, Brim comes running up.*
Brim: Uglies iiiiin-coming!! Lots of them! *he looks around, and notices the grimlocks still pouring in from the other side, and that he's surrounded*
...*Surtur finally gives up his swords, seeing the party is thoroughly boned. He doesn't give up the tough talk, though.*
Sadon: Surtur?
Surtur: What?! This makes me ANGRY!
Sadon: Defend yourself, this is going to take longer than I'd like.
*Suddenly, Sadon whips out a wand he'd been hiding, and sends a bolt of lightning tearing into the grimlocks behind him, killing eight of them*
Surtur: The hell is your problem?! If we get out of this alive, I'm either beating you or congratulating you.
*Three furious rounds of combat pass, with Surtur making a courageous unarmed drive to push the grimlocks back and instructing Sadon to fire the bolt through him. In the end, 18 grimlocks are dead, the rest have retreated, and Surtur is quite crispy with 7 hp remaining. None of the party are disabled, though. Surtur coughs and doubles over as the adrenaline falls away, when the danger subsides.*
Surtur: Guh... next time you do that, I'm gonna beat you. This time, good work.
6th Scene - Leaving, Casablanca Style -
... This reminds me of the time I promoted a ferret familiar to become a Minister of Foreign Affairs. The familiar had more humanity and social skills than her master :D
One of the player-characters thus reacted as follows:
"This country is so messed up."
:D
He made it a Senator. Of Rome.
Knowing Caligula that's not all he did. ;)
Me: Why does the druid have a rifle???
Tim, the Elven Druid
Robin, the Elven Ranger(arrows, lots of arrows)
Lando, the oft-reincarnated-ridiculous-saves-Paladin/Monk
Nu, the Psion/Thrallherd
Shirley, the Bard/Wilder Thrall of Nu (and lover)
Paylin, the homicidal ninja/fighter, wielder of Blackrazor (yes, activated and everything)
and
Gwen, human Warmage/Lightning Savant, she of the Explosive Fireball
I had set a 1 year coterminous effect in place (Dolurrh), preventing reincarnation/resurrection as the plane would likely spit out ghosts/ghasts, or they could possess the body of the potential recipient.
so, the party does what any sane group of adventurers does when given an ultimatum of "don't die, or else"
the settle down. for the YEAR!
in the meantime, the party does the following, while staying the the Aundarian city of Passage:
Nu psychically reformats his ENTIRE retinue of believers to be psychically active, and uses a bunch of his resources finally bringing his grand scheme of the "University of Nu Haven" to fruition. makes a ton of money. Shirley helps.
Gwen receives some trainees from her warmage alma-mater, and proceeds to whip them into shape. along with the rest of her soldiers at UNH (see above). she forgets continually that this is NOT a military institution, and no-one has the juevos to remind her that she is NOT, in fact, General of an increasing army.
Robin goes on a trek of self-discovery and elightenment. meaning, she hopped the lightning rail like a hobo, scared or shot anyone who looked at her sideways, and spent about 6 months hanging out in gardens and hunting dinosaurs on the talenta plains. learned to speak haflling and appreciate the finer things in life, like a 2-hide sleeping mat and 3 breakfasts.
Lando sets out to finish a lightning rail spur line to the UNH, working for free, of course, and helping the construction crew to the best of his ability. the fact that he is a strike-breaking, slave-driving, taskmaster of a Union Boss (did i mention he was Favored in House Orien, and slated to become an Heir of Siberys) was PERFECTLY in accordance with his LG paladin-hood. after all, the house IS always right.
Paylin became the opposite of Lando, taking on the rival gang-boss (well, taking OUT the rival) and setting himself up to get a cut of the shadiness. ended up with a LOT of GP worth of potions, poisons, and assorted Batman tools, and a nifty new office.
and finally, Tim, took special care to renovate the house of burlesque the party had (semi-legally) acquired. he grew trees, then shaped everything all nicey-nice, made it look like the Rainforest Cafe. surprising, really, when he named it that. but, as the year dragged on, and the building became a business, he quickly tired of the bookeeping and whatnot. so, he got himself a partner.
a fox.
whom he then maximized awakened, and educated in mathematics, business, and whatnot. eventually, Tim bought the deed from Lando (the titular holder), and then MORTGAGED the business to the Fox.
yes. he mortgaged his house, over 10 years, to a FOX.
at this point, the DM, who was trying to adjudicate all this, while keeping track of everything (remember, that's me)
"All right, enough! We are NOT playing Sim-Passage any more, we are playing D & D for the rest of the night."
namaste'
the hamster
Cast:
Sir Karl, Paladin/Bone Knight/ Cleric of the Blood of Vol (secretly)
Glinda, Gnomish Wizard/Lawful Incarnate/Soulcaster. Necromancer extradorniare.
Lyra, Aasimar Bard of amazing inspirational abilities. go bard!
Cyrik, Wizard/Cataclysm Mage. caster of fireball and "cataclysm of flesh"
JT, Divine Mind/ Psychic Warrior, disarmer, tripper, spiked-chain-monkey-of-doom. (with enlarge)
and their Commander,
Major Sir Michael ir'Revan, of the Order of Rekkenmark (me)
upon successfully completing negotiations with a dragon (in Eberron, mind you) to retrieve some components for him...
"I'd feel better is he was a Vampiric Dragon."
"Can you wait until we're OUT of his lair? I think the have good hearing"
"No, we don't"
"I'm going to pretend that was true!"
upon falling through a trapdoor, smashing his disguised up room, and ruining the goody-basket brought for his disguise-person, a Kobold, said to the above gold dragon.
"For what it's worth, we brought you bread."
upon losing her old Necrocarnum Zombie in some skirmish or another
"I am in need of a new body. Hey, Karl, where'd you get that one?" -pointing at HIS new Necrocarnum Zombie
"It followed me home."
"Bodies DON'T just follow you hom, you know." Imperious, angry, and 3' tall.
deadpan "Of course. I told it to."
entire table lost it at that straight, monotone delivery/exchange.
more to come, more to come...plenty of madness with this group!
namaste'
the hamster
Wizard: It's a trap.
Me: Okay, it's a trap. I'll go.
[that night, at the meeting spot]
DM: Okay, it's midnight.
Us: Do we see anything?
DM: You see a cat.
[a little while later]
DM: How long are you planning on waiting?
Me: An hour, then I'm going to the dock in the west end of the city.
[an hour later]
Paranoid Wizard: Do I see anyone following us?
DM: You see a cat.
Wizard: I Color Spray the cat.
DM: The cat falls down.
"I'm screwed either way, so I may as well take off my pants"
"I can't wait to get out of dark sun and back to planescape where everything's normal"
Player1 "You killed a sorcerer-king, how?"
Player2 "I slit his throat"
Player1 "Effective"
Player2 "I hit him with a chair first."
(Long story, don't ask).
While playing Red Hand of Doom a few months back, the Gnome sorceror decided to cast Invisibility on his weasel familiar, and have it sneak up and attack a Hobgoblin shaman with a Touch of Idiocy spell, while he remained crouching behind a low wall.
This move struck us all as so funny we decided to name it Crouching Gnome, Hidden Weasel
He made it a Senator. Of Rome.
I'd like to point out that he did that not because he was stark raving insane, but rather to tell the senators, "My HORSE could make better laws than you!"
What we do know is that Caligula did place extreme favour upon Incitatus, including purple blankets (Purple being the colour of the Emperor) and an acquired wife. He even made it seems as though Incitatus 'invited' dignitaries to dine with him, and Incitatus had an entire building fully staffed to provide such guests.
PC 1: "Well, actually, prostitution is legal in Aurona."
PC 2: "IT IS?!"
PC 1: "Yes...when you're not on duty."
----
Later on, the female of the group has knocked out a drug-hazed prostitute and is trying to restrain her.
Female: *straddling the prostitute* "Why are you staring?"
Other PC: *snaps out of it* "Huh?"
Female: "Get me a gag and a rope..."
Other PC:
"No problem!"Chris: What color are the snakes?
DM: They're Snake Colors. Who cares?
"We should build a library."
DM: Okay, you're taking 20 on Open Lock? Got it. Meanwhile, back at the tavern with Hesketor and the cleric.
Hesketor: I hear you're having boy problems.
-or-
Elven Maiden: Here you go! I picked most of these fruit in the last hour, and I'm about to head back to my village. I hope I see y-
Hesketor: Have you gained weight?
-later, after that conversation when the Maiden is skipping away-
Rogue: I would totally hit that.
Hesketor: She was fat.
Halfling rogue: *walks over to pillar* I wonder if this is magical?
Half-Elf Cleric: *picks up rogue and smashes her against the pillar repeatdely* Is it magical now? Huh? Is it magical now?
ROGUE: I open my mouth to recive the mea-.... Um. I take the meat ... gah! I taste the..
At this point she was blushing so much she couldn't finish the sentence. Laughing so hard we got kicked out of the place we were gaming.
DM- You Hear the sounds of many many orcs inside the cavern and its rumored to be an Orc Weapon Manufactory Plant using the Volcano to supply steel and minerals (Abnormally Smart Orcs..). So What do you do *instantly turns to the "Leader" of the party of 8 which is a Illithad with an Int of around 27-28
Illithad- (thats his mental talk since he wont talk with his zoidborg mouth~~>)~Well..~
Me (a Dwarf Barb/Fighter/Druid with Green Hair..)- Many Orcs you Say? Large Cavern You Say? *Charges in Headlong with Greatclub into a cavern roughly 50 feet high, 30 wide, and 30 Orcs Strong that are well armed but not armored and a vat of magma going across the celing*
--One Round Later(yes, 1 round)--
*rest of party*
*Just Arrived to find the entire cavern empty of (living) Orcs with a Green Haired Dwarf dancing ontop of a small pile of Orcs with all the orcs looking oddly burned*Illithad- ~How..~
Me- Its an age old Dwarven attack known only to a select few as the.. "Holy Crap its a rageing Green haired Dwarf swinging around a club" Attack that made them all spontinously explode!
Illithad- ~Really..~
Me- Nope..I thought it would sound cool.
Satyr: Oh damn it! That was fey wine! Do you have any idea how many fairies I had to brew to make that?!
Barmaid (characters girlfriend): Good and evil…you see, they don’t really get on
----------------------------------
Duffy (Druid): Come with us, you never know, you might find your own adventure
Drunken Sorcerer: ADVENTURE? ADVENTURE into the same school I’ve been in to loads of times before?
Duffy: AAAAA, but you haven’t been into the one room, have you?
Drunken Sorcerer: Aaaa, the one room, to RULE THEM ALL
------------------------
Originally Posted by Robert_Fox_Kitsune
The lemures are fast approaching
Paladin : (Raises War hammer) In the name of Pelor! Back to the nine hells with you!
Bard: (Raises sword) BACK TO THE ABYSS WITH YOU, FOUL CREATURES, IN PELORS NAME!
Druid: For Ehlonna!
(Paladin AND Bard look at look at Druid) : Ehlonna?
Druid: We’ll talk later (they charge)
Oh how I would have loved to play with that group of yours!
Player 2: Man, this really isn't your A game, is it?
Player 3: Well, it is a modual.
DM: Fine. FINE. A really big mosquito thing suddenly-
Player 3: Oh, so this is your A game.
Our party had been adventuring for the great Halfling treasure our whole campaign. After many months we find it on top of a plateau and it appears to be a golden bag. Our Halfling, rogue, looks at it and identifies it as the bag of endless skip rocks. Our party groans. All of the sudden, the ground shakes and a fierce roar is heard behind us. We turn to see a colossal red dragon. The rogue grabs the bag, grabs about 4 rocks, and than says "Lets rock". Our party groans again.
Weird session..
Second, the lines were spoken between my father, who is over 50 years old now, and myself. My dad has rather recently become fascinated with my RPG video games (playing entirely through Romancing Saga for the PS2 for instance).
Now I come home one day to find him playing Final Fantasy 8 that was for the 1st Play Station.
Dad: OH! I'm glad you're h-
Here I take one look at the screen, go straight to the 'gaming' desk, and pull out a different memory card.
Me: Let me guess. You can't save it?
Dad: Right.
Me: You've got the wrong memory card.
Dad: But it's the playstation 2 and-
Me: The game was for the 1st one dad. 1st playstation games need 1st playstation cards.
Dad: That's...rather silly.
Me: I know dad...I know.
----
After nearly completing the first disc of the game, this was what my father had to say about the characters of FF8 in general.
Dad: You know what? Their personalities
!Me: And with that, you join millions of other gamers in chorus dad.
I love my dad :D
DM: The 322 Layer of the abyss! The Layer of Ross!
Me: You have a layer of abyss?
DM: I bought it on time-share.
Me: Look Out! Flying Monkey Goblins !
DM: You fall in to the 323 Layer of the abyss.
Me: Whats that?
DM: A 10 ft by 10ft Platform flouting in total void, with mudzac playing in the back ground.
Okay, first of all, no Raz in this post.ShowSecond, the lines were spoken between my father, who is over 50 years old now, and myself. My dad has rather recently become fascinated with my RPG video games (playing entirely through Romancing Saga for the PS2 for instance).
Now I come home one day to find him playing Final Fantasy 8 that was for the 1st Play Station.
Dad: OH! I'm glad you're h-
Here I take one look at the screen, go straight to the 'gaming' desk, and pull out a different memory card.
Me: Let me guess. You can't save it?
Dad: Right.
Me: You've got the wrong memory card.
Dad: But it's the playstation 2 and-
Me: The game was for the 1st one dad. 1st playstation games need 1st playstation cards.
Dad: That's...rather silly.
Me: I know dad...I know.
----
After nearly completing the first disc of the game, this was what my father had to say about the characters of FF8 in general.
Dad: You know what? Their personalities
Me: And with that, you join millions of other gamers in chorus dad.
Okay, forget exporting Raz, is there any way we can export YOUR LIFE to the UK?
I suggest you send ninjas to kidnap him, ninjas solve everything
Let's see... Alright, So I've been DMing a campaign for a little while now, and we've ended up with some pretty good stuff (at the time, at least). The party's gone through several changes, but here's the current rundown:
"Clive", elven champion of Corellon and the elfin people in general. Likes beer, women, and having a higher armor class than most demigods.
"Sig", a human duelist who uses primitive guns. Also likes women and beer, but is also a huge fan of large, explosive weaponry.
"Barrend", a human Master of many forms who enjoys walking into bars as a polar bear... in ironwood full-plate. Recently aquired a taste for a Grey Render form.
"I can't remember his name", a elfin beguiler. I honestly can't remember his character's name. He has a interest in new technology, and plotting ways to kill Clive.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sig was the most recent character to join the party. This began when Barrend sat down at the same bar that Sig was enjoying, and as stated prior, Barrend entered in the form of a polar bear in ironwood full-plate.
Barrend: I'd like some ale.
Sig [Eying the bear with suspicion. Pulls the bartender close]: Did that bear just TALK!?
Bartender: Ah, so I wasn't going crazy.
Barrend [Player]: I turn into a nymph.
DM: What?
Barrend [Player]: I turn into a nymph. An unclad one.
Sig [Grabs bartender again]: Did that bear just turn into a NYMPH!?
Bartender: Ah, so I wan't going crazy.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The party ended up in a fight with a rather large monster. Barrend somehow ended up on the roof of a large building. Since no-one could get him off otherwise, he used the stairs down. Through the living quarters of some NPCs.
Old Man: What'chu doin' in muh house?
Barrend: Don't mind me, I'm just an adventurer! So, where do you keep your valuables?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Drow priestesses do their rituals unclad. Apparantly, they remain that way throughout the rest of the day. Don't ask me, I'm just the DM!
Drow Cleric [Currently invisible, casts bestow curse on the beguiler, becoming visible].
Beguiler [In pain]: Gah!
Sig [Turns around. Does a double take, jaw drops]: Guh...
Beguiler [Casts hold person on the cleric]
Sig: Yay!
A round goes by, revealing some other drow.
Beguiler [Coup de graces the drow cleric].
Sig [Sig spends a round attempting to pistolwhip the beguiler].
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prior to the previous fight, the party noticed the drow from behind the door that lead into the room. Barrend was in Grey Render form and decided to try and bash through the door. Here's what the drow hear:
Cleric: It seems they found her.
Monk: Yes. Is this all accor-
*BAM*
Barrend: Dangit! Alright, I'm trying again guys!
Cleric:...
Monk...
Fighter: ... Was that a-
*BAM*
Barrend: DANGIT!
Sig: Why don't I just open the door?
Originally Posted by Richmud
I suggest you send ninjas to kidnap him, ninjas solve everything
Normally that would work, however the ninjas under my bed who've been having skirmishes with the pirates in my closet might take offense at their being ninjas from a rival clan roaming in on their turf.
And the pirates of dragon cannons. Made from dragons
Me(hobgoblin ranger/rogue): I change to hybrid weretiger form and attack
Tim(human looking sorceror): I resume my natural fey'ri form and cast magic missile
jj(changeling duskblade): I remove my disguise self, revealing my half dragon heritage and attack.
mike(half orc cleric): I remove my face mask revieling my half-ithilid tentacles
Me: FREAKS ATTACK!
They were fighting drow minions on the first level. In this PC group I have a Fighter-14, a Cleric-15 and his cohort (DivineChampion) (whose patron is Tempus, a wr gad) as well as a half-dragon Monk-12.
After a few rounds of eliminating drow left and right, the cohort finally gets a chance to wade in and, feeling a bit left out, she (played by the cleric's player) yells out to the Fighter and the Monk; "Leave some for me, you drow-hogs!!" :fight!:
As we were being attacked by weird abominations, one of the fleshy trees moves towards our group.
I yell out "Watch out, lumbering lumber!"
A few rounds later a "mutated" dwarf warrior attacks me with his axe and I shout "Help, the Arts are being threatened by deep cuts!"
i'll give this cookie
to the 1st person who posts where that last line comes from. One of the new players in my game is playing a meatsheild with one intelligence with no concept of subtlety.
So I'm like...
Me: Dude, you're character's Fighter.
New player: Yeah, I voice him exactly how I think Fighter would sound like.
GM: What the **** are you talking about?
Other player: You don't want to know.
So now our GM has been introduced to the awesomeness of 8BT.
DM: It's my job, as DM, is to try my best to kill you. Your job, as players, is to try and survive.
Druid: Sweet, I maxed out Survival!
"Just because he's evil doesn't mean he's not decent."
I believe that one speaks for itself.
The other one that has become emblematic of our group is an exchange between our Wizard, Amarthir, and our Bard, Xyphael in the middle of a heated battle in Undermountain with a whole swarm of Drow. One of them had cast a darkness spell which we had managed to countract in a small range around us. The Drow had, naturally, retreated back into the remaining darkness and we couldn't see them. The exchange then went thusly.
Amarthir: Okay, I'm casting "Detect Drow" with a blast radius centered right *points* there.
*POOOOOOOOOOF!!!*
Xyphael: Wait, "Detect Drow" is a Fireball!?!
Since then, Amarthir has made many varients of his "Detect Drow" spell, adapting it to fight such creatures as Trolls, hill giants, and zombies. :D
Sweet water to you!
Berz.
Here's a quote from our Dwarf, Ghan Ironaxe.
"Just because he's evil doesn't mean he's not decent."
I believe that one speaks for itself.
The other one that has become emblematic of our group is an exchange between our Wizard, Amarthir, and our Bard, Xyphael in the middle of a heated battle in Undermountain with a whole swarm of Drow. One of them had cast a darkness spell which we had managed to countract in a small range around us. The Drow had, naturally, retreated back into the remaining darkness and we couldn't see them. The exchange then went thusly.
Amarthir: Okay, I'm casting "Detect Drow" with a blast radius centered right *points* there.
*POOOOOOOOOOF!!!*
Xyphael: Wait, "Detect Drow" is a Fireball!?!
Since then, Amarthir has made many varients of his "Detect Drow" spell, adapting it to fight such creatures as Trolls, hill giants, and zombies. :D
Sweet water to you!
Berz.
I'm copying the detect drow spell. :D
Me: "...so my character really hates elves and is planning on comitting genocide against them."
Him: "Who else is in the group?"
Me: "Well... A grey elf, who is really getting on my nerves. A dark elf, whose player keeps bugging the GM for random encounters and a..."
Him: "So you'll have to kill them at some point, right?"
Me: "Not directly, our GM has strict rules about player kills... But yes, I am."
The party was exploring a dungeon under an ancient wizards tower. The party had just kicked a group of ogres teeth in and was searching the small group of rooms for treasure.
My halfling rogue stepped into an alcove and found a small table on the table;
DM: You see a small chest about 5 inches long by 3 inches wide and 2 inches tall, it is made of teak and inlaid with gold and platinum in the shape of roses. It has a simple turn latch on the front of it.
Me: I check the table and chest for traps.
DM: Roll a search check.
Me: *Roll* 16
DM: you find no traps.
Me: I turn the latch.
DM: The lid of the box springs open and a load raspberry sound issues out with a cloud of small brown particles. The alcove begins to small like rotten eggs.
Me: Ewwwwwwww
DM: You are now the proud owner of a box of “Wet Ones”
ranger who couldn't make a fort save has just been paralyzed for 4 rounds and contracted ghoul filth from a ghoul (duh!).
rogue, after finding out that the male ranger isn't feeling too well: 'you don't have morning sickness do you?'
Andrew(Charismatic Hero/Diplomat): Darn! The hallucinogens that the feral children gave me wear off now!
DM: No, the children give you more.
Andrew: The mystic journey continues!
Another:
Isaac Miranda(Strong/Martial Artist): I'm going to run past the five gunmen.
DM: You do realize that's 5 attacks of opportunity? As in, death to your character?
Isaac: Naw, it won't kill me. I'm Isaac Miranda!:P
Party is currently:
- Nin - elf rogue
- Sadon - human rogue/wizard
- Surtur - human LE variant paladin
The party is working their way through a subterranean maze of filth and nightmarish monsters, when a carrion crawler falls out of a hole in the ceiling, nearly landing on Sadon's head. A fight ensues, with the crawler taking heavy damage, but its multitude of tentacles are just too much for the party, and one by one they fall, paralyzed. All seems lost when Sadon's familiar, Reina the tiny snake, grows angry at her master's fall. Enraged, Reina darts through the morass of the crawler's tentacles, rears up and bites at its underside, injecting her poison - and barely avoids the bulk of the crawler as it collapses.
Reina: *slithering victory dance*
Merton: (To PC1) So, hows your mum?
PC1: Died in childbirth.
Merton: Oh (Looks to PC2)
PC2: Killed during the war.
Merton:Hmm (Looks at PC3) your's...
PC3: Yes
Merton: Looks around...yeah mines gone too.
What was great about this was this was roleplayed out, and now the phrase "How's your mum" has become a running quote in our campaign.
Maybe next time I'll tell you about the phrase "Oh...the infantry"
Rogue: "What are you expecting?"
DM: "Heavy Suppressive Fire"
*snip*
Maybe next time I'll tell you about the phrase "Oh...the infantry"
Heheh, I can just imagine this one. The party figures out how to destroy the evil bbeg and his army, and the wizard designs and implements an entire plan to fulfill their goals. With almost 10 seconds left on the clock, they realize that their side has already gone down and it locked in mortal battle.
"Oh... the infantry" as a white mushroom cloud engulfs the entire battlescape.
:D
I'm copying the detect drow spell. :D
I'll be sure and let Amarthir's player know that.
Sweet water to you!
Berz.
Cleric: I search the moster.
DM: *shows picture of draegloth from monsters of Faerun* Do you see anywhere that that thing could hold treasure?
Cleric: Well...
DM: Never mind.
DM: Aw, nice! This guy has spell resistance!
...I just said that out loud, didn't I? DM: Roll spot checks.
Bard: Uh...I got a one. I don't see anything, right?
DM: Well, you do notice that the monk's breeches aren't fully laced up.
Sorceror: I cast fireball on the deep pool then jump down, being slowed by the rush of rapidly evaporated water vapor.
DM: *rolls falling damage* Laws of physics: one; you: zero.
Me: Alright, I accept
Cocky Player (readying dice): How do we go about this?
DM: Who has the higher strength?
Me: I do
DM: You win
Cocky Player: Wait, don't we roll?
DM: ...it's a bloody arm wrestling match! A pure test of two strengths! You don't make height checks to decide who's taller, do you?
Me: What's with spellcasters and defecating themselves?
Guard: Alright, toll will cost you a silver a leg, so it's 2 for you folks and 4 for your horses.
Eckhardt (Currently very, very drunk): Oh, sho I dun hafta pay, den.
Guard: Why not?
Eckhardt: I'm completely legless
Player: You know what, I think we've successfully redefined the term 'glory'. Glory, verb: To say
DM: You walk away slowly, great ruins smoldering behind you.
Player: When aren't there?
Order of the Stick, Dragon #346.
Congratulations, here's your cookie
Congratulations, here's your cookie
Thanks.
Anyway, I was recently discussing a new character with my DM for an upcoming adventure, a killer gnome-type illusionist. The following came up.
Me:...and he can make 120% real illusions. Is that okay?
DM: What? I can't imagine a 120% real Phantasmal Killer!
Me: No, the percent only applies to stuff like Shadow Evocation. Besides, how could a Phantasmal Killer get any more real?
DM:...It could make the target extra dead, I guess.
DM: *rolls falling damage* Laws of physics: one; you: zero.
Priceless :D
Me: No, the percent only applies to stuff like Shadow Evocation. Besides, how could a Phantasmal Killer get any more real?
DM:...It could make the target extra dead, I guess.
This reminds me of the time in our game when the party wizard, Jehan, had finaly gotten more than one 4th level spell under his belt. He went crazy with Phantasmal Killer, as it was such a cool spell. Thing is, after the 6th casting of it and failing to so much as injure anything, let alone kill...
DM (me): So, you cast phandismal failure, and...
Jehan (OOC): Wait a sec. Did you just say "phandismal failure"?
DM: Yep.
Jehan (OOC): You know, I want to mad at you, but that's just too damn funny...
This was, alas, not the first nor the last time the party had a good laugh at Jehan's expense...
Warforged: Activation cycle complete. My function is combat medic/shock trooper. Request order.
Player 1: Do I know where he's from?
DM: Roll Knowledge: Geography
Player 1: 1...for a total of 2.
DM: You see, when a tree and a steel ingot really love one another...
To help keep length down...
So, in this, we had me DMing; my best friend (Fox), my ex-roommate (E), and said ex-roommate's ex-wife (H) are all playing. This is a somewhat odd mishmash of warped 2nd Edition...
DM: All right, since you're all generating characters, I'll let you know in advance that the plan for this game involves a kobold warreen.
Fox: Okay... Hmmm. Half-elf cleric/ranger with a mace?
DM: Cool.
E: Elven Ranger!
DM: ...Okay.
E: With a glaive!
DM Um. Kobold warren? Caves?
H: I want a centaur archer!
DM:
Later on, after I've given up on trying to convince them into more intelligent characters... They've been sent after a villager who was kidnapped by the kobolds. It turns out that the warrens are inside an 'extinct' volcano, which I use as a Deus Ex Machina for the tunnels being big enough for Captain Glaive and Wonder Centaur (not the character names; I'm not sure they even named them... Fox's had a name, but wound up being called Toast, after the character from /GUcomics...) They've taken a side tunnel, when...
DM: As you're walking along, you pick up a foul odor, like a large amount of rotting trash, from up ahead.
H: I want to throw my torch to see what it is!
Fox (behind her): Oh S**t! Elfboy, stop her!
E (in the lead): I use my glaive to block the torch! *rolls a 20*
His only good roll the entire night... Fortunately for the party, as the foul odor is coming from a huge pit of rotting waste, some of which has been there for ages.
E: I want to go search the trash. Fox, H, lower me down on this rope.
DM: Riiiight. Okay, give me a Wisdom check and an Con check.
E: *barely succeeds on the Wisdom, fails the Con*
DM: Sucking massive amounts of methane, you lose your lunch, take about half your hit points in suffocation damage, and find a small rotting sheath with an old short sword in it.
Fox: Me next. I'll hyperventilate first and hold my breath as long as I can.
DM: Okay... For the precautions, the Con check has a three point bonus.
Fox: *makes both rolls*
DM: You find a scroll case that comes free from a badly-rotted belt without much effort, and signal to be pulled up before you do more than start to get woozy from holding your breath.
H: I want to go down!
Everyone else:
DM: Right. You two, make Strength checks. You, centaur, make the Con and Wis checks.
*E fails his check horribly; Fox passes with flying colors; H fails the Con check but passes Wisdom*
DM: ...Right. E, you just sprained your back. H, you lost your last meal, took half your HP in suffocation damage, and found three silver-shafted arrows, and spend a few minutes wondering why you're rising so slowly before you find Fox hauling you up and E sprawled on the ground, whimpering.
Later, after Fox healed E...
E: I level my glaive and charge the kobolds! *natural 1*
DM: You trip over your glaive and fall on top of a sleeping kobold.
This scene was repeated a few times... And then the party found a room blocked off by boulders, with a couple giant rats inside (pets of the kobolds)
H: I'll use those silver arrows and shoot them! (She had no way of retrieving them; the ranger was too badly injured to risk fighting the rats, and Fox wasn't stupid enough to solo a pair of hostile giant rats.) *rolls misses all three times*
Later, the party finds three orange-red potions, after Fox 'smishes' the kobold leader. In fact, Fox has single-handedly defeated most of the kobolds in the warren while the centaur acted as a distraction and E served as a comedy act, tripping over his weapon, stabbing himself, getting trampled by kobolds, and occasionally leaving me wondering why I didn't just drop a falling stone trap on him and finish him off. They proceed to rescue the kidnapped maiden, and are hightailing it out of the cave, E and the maiden riding on H's back, Fox hurrying along behind, when...
H: I'm going to fire the torch from my bow up at the pit of rotting trash! That should finish the kobolds off!
DM: Wisdom check?
H: *passes*
DM: ...You do recall this is a dormant volcano, right?
H: Yeah... So? I still want to fire the torch.
Fox: ...I'm just going to start running as soon as I see her put the torch to the bow.
DM: Fine, roll. Penalties because the torch is an awkward shape and size.
H: 20!
DM: Right. The torch arcs through the air, vanishes over the lip of the pit, and the entire mountain shakes as the decades of methane are touched off in a titanic explosion. As you continue forward, you see a brilliant glow of fire rising up out of the pit, and then the actual shockwave through the stone hits, nearly knocking you all over and sending fractures zig-zagging wildly through the stone.
Fox: As soon as I can, I keep running!
H: I'll trot forward to make sure E and the girl don't fall.
Fox and DM:
DM: As the wind streams down the passage towards the explosion in a tremendous backdraft, you feel another, much deeper shudder pass through the stone underfoot - and then the wind abruptly reverses direction, carrying the smell of brimstone and a wash of heat.
H and E:
DM: ...The volcano is now erupting. Congratulations. If you run fast enough, you might be able to save the villagers from getting wiped out by it.
Soon after, E fell off the centaur, and finally decided to trust the mysterious orange-red potion, chugging it down. In a flash, he';s healed (Extra-healing potion) and outracing the centaur, when the centaur...
H: I pull out my potion and throw it back at the lava!
DM: ...Okay. It hits, and you see a brief puff of steam and a momentary dark spot from where it cooled the rock, but nothing else.
In the end, the managed to evacuate the village before the molten stone overran it, but, had the game ever continued, they would've been infamous as the ones who ruined the village and awoke the volcano, with wide-ranging climate effects and quite a large area of formerly prime farming land decimated. I'm glad that of the three, I still only game with Fox, who regularly revived 'Toast' and smishes things to bits.
So, in this, we had me DMing; my best friend (Fox), my ex-roommate (E), and said ex-roommate's ex-wife (H) are all playing. This is a somewhat odd mishmash of warped 2nd Edition...
DM: All right, since you're all generating characters, I'll let you know in advance that the plan for this game involves a kobold warreen.
Fox: Okay... Hmmm. Half-elf cleric/ranger with a mace?
DM: Cool.
E: Elven Ranger!
DM: ...Okay.
E: With a glaive!
DM
Um. Kobold warren? Caves?H: I want a centaur archer!
DM:
Later on, after I've given up on trying to convince them into more intelligent characters... They've been sent after a villager who was kidnapped by the kobolds. It turns out that the warrens are inside an 'extinct' volcano, which I use as a Deus Ex Machina for the tunnels being big enough for Captain Glaive and Wonder Centaur (not the character names; I'm not sure they even named them... Fox's had a name, but wound up being called Toast, after the character from /GUcomics...) They've taken a side tunnel, when...
DM: As you're walking along, you pick up a foul odor, like a large amount of rotting trash, from up ahead.
H: I want to throw my torch to see what it is!
Fox (behind her): Oh S**t! Elfboy, stop her!
E (in the lead): I use my glaive to block the torch! *rolls a 20*
His only good roll the entire night... Fortunately for the party, as the foul odor is coming from a huge pit of rotting waste, some of which has been there for ages.
E: I want to go search the trash. Fox, H, lower me down on this rope.
DM:
Riiiight. Okay, give me a Wisdom check and an Con check.E: *barely succeeds on the Wisdom, fails the Con*
DM: Sucking massive amounts of methane, you lose your lunch, take about half your hit points in suffocation damage, and find a small rotting sheath with an old short sword in it.
Fox: Me next. I'll hyperventilate first and hold my breath as long as I can.
DM:
Okay... For the precautions, the Con check has a three point bonus.Fox: *makes both rolls*
DM: You find a scroll case that comes free from a badly-rotted belt without much effort, and signal to be pulled up before you do more than start to get woozy from holding your breath.
H: I want to go down!
Everyone else:
DM: Right. You two, make Strength checks. You, centaur, make the Con and Wis checks.
*E fails his check horribly; Fox passes with flying colors; H fails the Con check but passes Wisdom*
DM: ...Right. E, you just sprained your back. H, you lost your last meal, took half your HP in suffocation damage, and found three silver-shafted arrows, and spend a few minutes wondering why you're rising so slowly before you find Fox hauling you up and E sprawled on the ground, whimpering.
Later, after Fox healed E...
E: I level my glaive and charge the kobolds! *natural 1*
DM:
You trip over your glaive and fall on top of a sleeping kobold.This scene was repeated a few times... And then the party found a room blocked off by boulders, with a couple giant rats inside (pets of the kobolds)
H: I'll use those silver arrows and shoot them! (She had no way of retrieving them; the ranger was too badly injured to risk fighting the rats, and Fox wasn't stupid enough to solo a pair of hostile giant rats.) *rolls misses all three times*
Later, the party finds three orange-red potions, after Fox 'smishes' the kobold leader. In fact, Fox has single-handedly defeated most of the kobolds in the warren while the centaur acted as a distraction and E served as a comedy act, tripping over his weapon, stabbing himself, getting trampled by kobolds, and occasionally leaving me wondering why I didn't just drop a falling stone trap on him and finish him off. They proceed to rescue the kidnapped maiden, and are hightailing it out of the cave, E and the maiden riding on H's back, Fox hurrying along behind, when...
H: I'm going to fire the torch from my bow up at the pit of rotting trash! That should finish the kobolds off!
DM:
Wisdom check?H: *passes*
DM: ...You do recall this is a dormant volcano, right?
H: Yeah... So? I still want to fire the torch.
Fox: ...I'm just going to start running as soon as I see her put the torch to the bow.
DM:
Fine, roll. Penalties because the torch is an awkward shape and size.H: 20!
DM:
Right. The torch arcs through the air, vanishes over the lip of the pit, and the entire mountain shakes as the decades of methane are touched off in a titanic explosion. As you continue forward, you see a brilliant glow of fire rising up out of the pit, and then the actual shockwave through the stone hits, nearly knocking you all over and sending fractures zig-zagging wildly through the stone.Fox: As soon as I can, I keep running!
H: I'll trot forward to make sure E and the girl don't fall.
Fox and DM:
DM: As the wind streams down the passage towards the explosion in a tremendous backdraft, you feel another, much deeper shudder pass through the stone underfoot - and then the wind abruptly reverses direction, carrying the smell of brimstone and a wash of heat.
H and E:
DM: ...The volcano is now erupting. Congratulations. If you run fast enough, you might be able to save the villagers from getting wiped out by it.
Soon after, E fell off the centaur, and finally decided to trust the mysterious orange-red potion, chugging it down. In a flash, he';s healed (Extra-healing potion) and outracing the centaur, when the centaur...
H: I pull out my potion and throw it back at the lava!
DM: ...Okay. It hits, and you see a brief puff of steam and a momentary dark spot from where it cooled the rock, but nothing else.
In the end, the managed to evacuate the village before the molten stone overran it, but, had the game ever continued, they would've been infamous as the ones who ruined the village and awoke the volcano, with wide-ranging climate effects and quite a large area of formerly prime farming land decimated. I'm glad that of the three, I still only game with Fox, who regularly revived 'Toast' and smishes things to bits.
Thanks.
Anyway, I was recently discussing a new character with my DM for an upcoming adventure, a killer gnome-type illusionist. The following came up.
Me:...and he can make 120% real illusions. Is that okay?
DM: What? I can't imagine a 120% real Phantasmal Killer!
Me: No, the percent only applies to stuff like Shadow Evocation. Besides, how could a Phantasmal Killer get any more real?
DM:...It could make the target extra dead, I guess.
I had a player ask me that too. I told him that if an illusion ever got to be more real than reality he'd tear a rift to the farplane and become old one fodder.
Okay so it involved various acts of outrageousness but I really liked it!
Kassil....that game...was BRILLIANT! :D
Okay so it involved various acts of outrageousness but I really liked it!
With you, I imagine you really liked it BECAUSE of the various acts of outrageousness :D :P
Don't go spreading that around Lyingbedmon
People might get...
...Ideas...Thanks?
A lot of my games tend to have large amounts of raw absurdity woven into them... Like the tale of Captain Signal Whistle...
This group, consisting of my sister, a friend, and the friend's boyfriend, had, respectively, chosen a halfling rogue, a human cleric of a spider god, and a generic human fighter. The situation was them discovering a rather crude pit trap constructed by - yep - kobolds. The rogue hatches an ingenious plan to draw the kobolds out, using the fighter walking up the road, the cleric going arond a large rock as an ambush, and the rogue herself going over the rock for a Death From Above assault.
The whole thing is spoiled when the fighter, henceforth known as Captain Signal Whistle, pulls out his signal whistle and starts blowing it as he waltzes up the road, apparently having so much fun that he doesn't even notice the kobolds suddenly boiling down the road toward him.
While I don't recall the exact events of the battle, the rogue accounted for most of the kobolds while the cleric's player kept insisting on Fort saves to see if she threw up from the sight and smell of blood and gore - and the fighter happily stood at the edge of the trap, blowing the whistle for all he was worth and oblivious to the battle raging around him, until he finally struck down the final kobold.
Actually, because he was playing a morally neutral character that hadn't yet decided if he was a turner or a rebuker, it turned out like this.
We were all trapped in a room in the castle of Strahd Von Zarovich. Outisde that room was a horde of undead. We looked to the cleric. "Do you thing," we said.
So we open the door, and he delivers, in a wonderfully forceful voice, "By the powers of Noctura, I command you do do my bidding."
To this day, I think of that as the best one-liner ever. I think you had to be there, but it was definately the Best. Turning. EVER! :D
Second, your lack of grammer ruined it.
And who knows? Maybe the world is a costumed world where all of the characters are in costume!
Now if only GnomeBarbarian's character had taken a bard level, then he could most certainly have 'Rocked'! :D
"ITS NOT TOO LATE FOr YOU TO GIVE UP!!"
Back on topic, both I and the nymph were very angry, so I decided to launch an assault on Sharn, because I just didn't trust them and assumed they had something to do with it. I ordered my 2 heavy ballistas, 2 trebuchets, and 4 heavy catapults to all out demolish what they could with 1k ammo each. Then I jumped down and started to attack the Sharn gate to establish my power...unfortunately my weapon poofed as I was jump attacking it and I took damage, I had the sorceror wish it back only to lose it again. So I destroyed Sharn with my hands...including The Spire, which took a little bit longer than everywhere else but I did it. After coming out of my frenzy, being rescued constantly from an imprisonment spell, finally killing the stupid dimunitive spellcaster. I found all of our stuff under the Spire's ruins. I then turned to the rest of my group all looking at the destruction and said "...now what?"
Later in that same session the sorceror told me to destroy some city(had a volcano in it) so he could begin his conquest of the world. I said "You know I don't like killing a lot of people" The DM just stared at me like I was an idiot. Good thing I am.
[I know at level 25 I really shouldn't have been able to utterly demolish Sharn but my DM was running a quick campaign and didn't want to bother with logic...atleast as much as DnD uses.
Arden - Human Rogue 2 / Fighter 2 looking to go into Duelist. My character.
Etch - Half Elf Ranger 4. Sniper character with a Greataxe as a backup weapon.
Bait - Halfling Wizard 3. Likes getting the party into trouble.
"D-man" - Elan Psion 3. Our primary planner and generally saves our asses somehow.
TL - Human Cleric 3. A new character who worships Obad-Hai.
Earnscor - Gnome Bard 3. New character with a riding dog. And a mandolin.
---------
Fashon Statement
DM: So who's actually wearing those cloaks from the feral orcs?
-Etch, Bait and D-man say they do.
Me: I don't ever remember saying I put it on.
DM: (to other players) You guys notice that the snake had a little bit of a harder problem hitting you than Arden since your skin seems a bit tougher.
Me: OoC - Go figure...
Me: IC - So what have those cloaks been doing guys?
Etch: Don't exactly know yet, but it seems helpful.
D-man: If anything, what we're getting is going to help us get into the pimping business.
Etch: How's that?
D-man: *points to the rather large snake. would class as huge size* We can make boots out of that. All we need now are the canes.
Me: I put the cloak on. We're going into the pimping business when we get back to town.
After finding some panther skin clothing...
D-man: Guess we don't have to worry about the rest of the clothing. We just need the canes!
---------
Half-Life Incident
DM: As you open the door, a mechanical spider jumps and couples on your face and menacingly threatens you with a buzzsaw.
Etch: HEADCRABS!
Me: Get off of me, you face hugger! *thows it hard into a wall without too much effort*
---------
Spooked
DM: While trying to get back to sleep, you two *pointing to me and psion character* feel a chill in your bed.
Me: My character pushed himself up and say "What the hell?"
DM: You see a misty form a Fabio-esque guy in your bed.
Me: Go figure... I tell it to get out of my bed. (plus a couple other choice words and other taunts)
DM: It doesn't even seem to notice you at all. No response at all.
Me: Screw it... I open up the bedroll and try to sleep on that.
D-man: What about mine?
DM: You have an old lady in your room. She's actually up and about... specifically nude and "freshening up."
D-man: I'm just going to pretend I didn't see that and roll over...
---------
New Introductions
Cleric: *describes his character as a 6'1" tall black man with a big poofy afro with a couple twigs here and there, wearing Hide Armor*
Me: *sizes him up* You're a druid, aren't you?
Cleric: No, I'm not actually...
Etch: Heey, man, it's a cleric o' the woods! Whazzap?!
"The sheer collective brilliance of the people in charge of this department might manage shadowy illumination in a five foot radius, if the DM were feeling kind."
Brilliant
Kragroth: "The dragon sleeps. We go."
Loto: "...Um... do dragons ALWAYS sleep with their eyes open?"
DM: Why are you guys running away?
PC: Because it's a writhing mass of tentacles...WITH SWORDS!
-----------------------------------------
The same party was asked to roll Knowledge(Local). I rolled a six on my roll. Hilarity ensued.
DM: Roll Knowledge(Local).
Me: *rolls* A six! I can't find my house anymore!
-----------------------------------------
The party paladin (same party again) wanted to dive into a deep pool to get a gem. He asked the party if anyone could cast a spell that would allow him to breath underwater. Mind you, my PC was a rogue.
Paladin: Can anyone cast a spell to let me breath underwater?
Me: Ooh! Ooh! I can!
Paladin: Okay.
Me (OoC): My character says some fancy words and touches you.
Paladin: So I can breath underwater now?
Me: Yes.
Needless to say, the paladin jumped in...in full plate. He was dragged to the bottom and began drowning. Luckily, he was rescued...which lead to the following.
Me: Why are you guys angry at me?
PC: HE COULD HAVE DROWNED!
Me: But he didn't!
PC: That's Chaotic Neutral for you.
And then, when the paladin chased me through a few dungeon rooms, prepared to rid me of a limb or two, this happened.
Paladin: Okay, I'm going to draw my sword and start running after the rogue with intention of causing lethal damage.
Me:*starts whistling Yakety-Sax*
:D
"She's Venerable? Break her hip!"
The players are in a forest in southern Russia trying to locate a hidden terrorist base. They locate an outpost, and thinking it's the main base, try to assult it. Unfortunatley, it's defended by a flak cannon. Luckily, everyone except for the medic manages to sneak up on the cannon. (the medic is pinned behind a rock for most of the encounter)
The combat begins as the techie lobs a grenade towards the cannon...
Techie- Sweet! Hit dead on!
DM (me)- Alright, it explodes in their faces. Roll your damage.
Techie- *rolls*
...crap...DM- Hm?
Techie- Four damage.
*party moans*
DM- ...Aaaand they make their reflex saves...
*moans again*
Negotiator: It's okay! I'll stand up and use my frightful presence!
DM- In front of the flak cannon?!
Neg- Yup.
DM- Oooookay... *rolls saves* They don't seem to be affected.
Neg-
Combat goes on, the martial artist and sniper kill a few gunmen, but the cannon's gunners remain alive...
DM- Okay, the flak cannon fires at you...they hit the target area... *rolls damage, gets a 48*
Okay, make a ref save for half. (had to houserule flak cannons, as none were provided)Neg- *rolls an eleven* ACTION POINT! *rolls a four* Alright! Fifteen!
DM- H'okay, you take 24 damage. Make a fort save or start dyin'.
Neg- *rolls a nine* ACTION POINT! *rolls a six* YAY!
*party is most relieved*
DM- Okay, now for the AK-47s...
Neg- Umm.... can I talk down bullets?
While not a specific D&D moment, this is one you pretty much have to be a D&D gamer to really appreciate... Remarking on the intelligence of my superiors at work: "The sheer collective brilliance of the people in charge of this department might manage shadowy illumination in a five foot radius, if the DM were feeling kind."
I mentioned this to pretty much the only other gamer who works there, and he agreed at first.
Then he suggested that if we were to take into account the total intellectual brilliance of all the management, we'd have the equivilant of a permanent Deeper Darkness spell.
The cast:
Orcy the Green Wonder: DM. Creator of Ogbanar.
Nightscreamer20: Cleric of Bob Pipe'n'bottle/second sun of Ogbanr. It is constantly the equivalant of full sunlight within 60 feet of his charicter.
Blunt: Tiefling fighter of charging doom.
------------------------------------------
NS(To me):Dude, you fail as a rogue.
Orcy: Yes you do.
Me: I seem to have completely lost the ability to make a charicter using the core classes...
Blunt: So we noticed.
Everyone: You are baned from playing charicters that don't involve psionics, or dragons because those are the only things your good at!
Me: In that case, I have a new charicter idea. How 'bout a half-dragon wilder.
Orcy: Ok.
I dont know how funny y'all will find it, but I find it very amusing.
DM: The kobold's getting his character ready.
Player: So what class(es) is he playing?
DM: Fighter. He'll be delivering a present for you.
Player:
Magebred horrid half-celestial quarter-Godzilla dire weasel?!DM: ........... "Quarter-Godzilla"?
My DM: Hey, take a minus one to your intelligence score.
Player: Why? What's going on?
DM, looking at a printed copy of a player's backstory: BECAUSE YOU ENDED THIS SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSITION!
the DM wasn't being serious, but it was worth a laugh
A bit late (40 pages late), but I have a little story.
So, a father wants to read his kid this book. The kid doesn't want to be read to from that book, so the dad sends him to his room upstairs. After a while, the dad decides that maybe the kid's spent enough time in solitary confinement, and brings the book upstairs to read to his kid again. When he walks into the room and the kid sees what he's carrying (the book), the kid asks, "What did you bring that book I didn't want to be read to out of up for?"
"To," "out," "of," "up," and "for" are all prepositions.
me thinking: "hmm... i need 10 or higher to UMD the wand... good old 55% success rate, don't fail me now"
*roll below 10*
Me: dang
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Hmmm...
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Grrr...
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Ok... the dice hate me tonight (i had botched a few more UMD checks)
PC1: here try this
*roll again... below 10*
Me: dang
-at this point i failed my own RL wisdom check and my stubborness took over-
*roll again... below 10*
Me:
PC2: here
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Oh come on...
PC3: try PC4's (his girlfriend's) blue one
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Wtf...
PC3: here try the green one
*roll again... below 10*
Me: what is going on here?
*roll again... below 10*
Me: oh good lord...
PC3: try your other hand
PC5: here try this one
*roll again with my off hand... 17*
Me: Finally!
*roll for cure... 3HP total*
yup... 11 charges used up... 11. freaking. charges. 3HP cured. yeah, the dice hated me that night.
Seeing the FB, he looks over his spelllist and decides to try 'Baleful Polymorph' on the poor FB. I had counted on this and boosted his saves so that he could make the save on a 2.
PC - I cast Baleful polymorph on the Frenzied Berserker.
Me - *rolls fortitude 1*
*rolls for will, makes it* Okey... you now are not facing a frenzying bugbear... but a frenzying squirrel. The Orcs, confronted with the little anklebiter, put him in a waterbowl from which he can't climb.PC - :D
Soon I got my revenge when the party's wizard opened up with a fireball, but forgot he had only normal invisibility cast on himself and was hacked to pieces by a bunch of lvl 6 Orc fighters. And don't tell me that I can never prevent this from happening, I wouldn't want it any other way :D
Ash (halfling rogue): A what? (as in, 'what did you say?')
DM: You see a skeleton lying near the wall, still dressed in tattered mining gear, wit his pickaxe in hand, the head (of the pickaxe) half-buried into the rock. Near the pickaxe is a hole in the wall, where something was obviously taken out of.
(a demonic statue we found earlier fits in it)
Tungsten (my dwarf fighter): I bet his mother always told him not to pick at it...
oxybe said:
this happened Sunday night... my new Rogue/fighter with his handy-dandy, super awesome Wand of Cure Light Wounds decides to go heal our unconcious dwarf fighter
me thinking: "hmm... i need 10 or higher to UMD the wand... good old 55% success rate, don't fail me now"
*roll below 10*
Me: dang
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Hmmm...
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Grrr...
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Ok... the dice hate me tonight (i had botched a few more UMD checks)
PC1: here try this
*roll again... below 10*
Me: dang
-at this point i failed my own RL wisdom check and my stubborness took over-
*roll again... below 10*
Me:
PC2: here
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Oh come on...
PC3: try PC4's (his girlfriend's) blue one
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Wtf...
PC3: here try the green one
*roll again... below 10*
Me: what is going on here?
*roll again... below 10*
Me: oh good lord...
PC3: try your other hand
PC5: here try this one
*roll again with my off hand... 17*
Me: Finally!
*roll for cure... 3HP total*
yup... 11 charges used up... 11. freaking. charges. 3HP cured. yeah, the dice hated me that night.
me thinking: "hmm... i need 10 or higher to UMD the wand... good old 55% success rate, don't fail me now"
*roll below 10*
Me: dang
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Hmmm...
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Grrr...
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Ok... the dice hate me tonight (i had botched a few more UMD checks)
PC1: here try this
*roll again... below 10*
Me: dang
-at this point i failed my own RL wisdom check and my stubborness took over-
*roll again... below 10*
Me:
PC2: here
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Oh come on...
PC3: try PC4's (his girlfriend's) blue one
*roll again... below 10*
Me: Wtf...
PC3: here try the green one
*roll again... below 10*
Me: what is going on here?
*roll again... below 10*
Me: oh good lord...
PC3: try your other hand
PC5: here try this one
*roll again with my off hand... 17*
Me: Finally!
*roll for cure... 3HP total*
yup... 11 charges used up... 11. freaking. charges. 3HP cured. yeah, the dice hated me that night.
Errrrm... According the the SRD's Use Magic Device skill description, if you fail by 9 or less, it just doesn't activate, which would seem like it doesn't use a charge, either. If you fail by 10 or more, the energy gets released, but it goes off in a "mishap" effect.
Or is there something else somewhere that states failure to activate still uses a charge?
I was more concerned that he didnt just take 10.
I was more concerned that he didnt just take 10.
Use Magic Device
Special: You cannot take 10 with this skill.
I'd have been surprised if he had taken 10.
Thief:
"I touch the door to check for contact poison."
------------
A 1st level monk after taking his first hit by another player.
"Is your fist ok? My teeth are pretty sharp you know?"
------------
-----------------------------
This player played oldschool Lawful Good for our entire campagin, but good enough to play in character...heh...this still gives me chills...
Preparing to save the town folk from Orcs and Wargs, our Paladin dons his garb and heads into the heat of battle). A little twist in his magic items...
Helm of Opp alignment put on by a Paladin:
Quote:
"Get the Children"
If you've previously decoded a scroll, you only suffer a mishap if you fail to emulate the proper class level, just like for a wizard casting a scroll too advanced for him.
Activating blindly is the only situation that can consume wand charges, other than a successful activation. Now, if you WERE trying to activate blindly, there are three outcomes: success, failure, and mishap. "If you fail by 9 or less, you can’t activate the device." There's no cost for this, other than looking like an idiot for a round. A mishap -- failure by 10 or more -- costs a charge and hits you with whatever backlash the DM decides on.
i'm not sure if the charge is used or not... but our dm said that yes it was.
Then... I think your DM was wrong, by the description of the skill itself.
Glinfaëwyn de Glinfaë-CN Elven Rogue
#3571-LE Barbed Devil, Aka "Cuddles".
Daimon-N Human Wizard
Barsad-LG Elven Paladin
Kano-N Elven Fighter
Situation: A captured Kobold Leutennant tells the PCs how to find his tribe's sorcere, but then begins spouting dire warnings in Draconic. Cuddles & Damion are the only two Draconic speakers (and they're sadists).
Kobold(In Draconic): Don't go there! The Mojo Sorcerer, him got big dragon and heat vision and magic sword as big as tree!
Cuddles(Draconic): Quiet you! *hits him*
Barsad: What did he say?
Kobold(Draconic): Ouchie, my HEAD!
Damion: He said "that felt good."
Barsad:
Uh-huh.Damion: He has very strange taste :D.
-----
Cuddles(Draconic): I don't wanna go to the town! Why do I have to carry the Kobold?
Damion(Draconic): There's sandwiches there.
Cuddles(Draconic): Sandwiches!!!!!
*runs off at high speed* Barsad: Where is he going?
Damion: The bathroom
Glin: With a Kobold?????
Damion: He has very strange taste :D.
-----
DM(me): After an hour of travelling, you find Cuddles collapsed on the ground.
Glin (OOC): And the Kobold!?
DM: You see two small legs sticking out of a dune and struggling feebly, where Cuddles put him to keep him from escaping.
Cuddles: Yoo shtay where yoo awe! *Collapses again*
-----
Damion (OOC): Who has the highest Charisma?
Cuddles (OOC): That would be me! :D
Glin: Send in the idiot!
-----
Town Guard(Me): And this is the Town Hall...
Damion: There's bars on the windows!
Town Guard: Yes, and the rooms are nice and padded.
-----
Glin (OOC): Castrati sounds like a kind of pasta.
-----
Kano (OOC): Can I use Handle Animal on the kobold?
DM:
No, it's a kobold.Kano (OOC): You're racist!
-----
Barsad: Do what I say and we'll get much less executed than otherwise.
-----
Cuddles: Listen here, woman!
Damion (OOC): Hey, my character's a guy!
Cuddles (OOC): Intelligance of 8, remember?
-----
Barsad (OOC): Is a halebred pointy?
-----
Glin: What's your favourite kind of sandwhich?
Cuddles (OOC): Let's see, he's a Devil from Hell...
Cuddles: A Belzeburger!
As the Kobold is stuck within the sand, Damion comes over to dig him out (as his strength mod is -1). While he is digging him out, he is swearing in both draconic, and common, essentially grumbling.
Kobold: *After spitting out sand* You have a horrible mouth!
Damion: *Punches Kobold in his spine*
Kobold: OWWWY!
Barsad, upon hearing a cry that sound like a yelp of pain, immediatly comes over.
Barsad: What did you do?
Dai: Nothing.
Kobold: My spine....
Bar: What did he say?
Dai: .... Er... "My what a lovely day!"
This would go on to repeat itself every time the little kobold got beaten by Damion. Which happened quite a bit.
a: How does an LG Paladin adventure with an LE devil and not lose his Pallyhood?
b: I would think that the others would get Wisdom or Sense Motive checks to discern the difference between anguished cries of pain and "my what a lovely day". Additionally, I would have had to call for a Bluff check on Damon's part, with a +10 or +20 mod for "incredulous lie" on the opposed Sense Motives, as per the rules on Bluff and stupid lies.
"Seated around the table in the tavern are your companions from the last few weeks. To the right is Holes, who is a slender half-moon elf and is currently rolling a pair of coins across his knuckles. Next to him is Mourn, a sun elf who is dressed in a chain shirt and has his sword set on the floor within easy reach. Next in line is Gerald, a human dressed in all black with the holy symbol of Kelemvor around his neck. Beyond him is Tony's character (Tony couldn't make the session and I don't have much information about his cleric), who is a priest of Lathandar. Finally, there is Roget, a half-drow who wears little other than a grey cloak and shirt, both made of fine-spun linen."
I pause a moment to let the description filter through my brain and then spout, "Wait, so we've got a cleric of death, a cleric of life, a half-moon, a half-drow, and a sun elf? I've heard this one before!"
Everybody spent about a minute and a half laughing. The DM didn't really buy into the idea that this should be the name of the party...
This requires a bit of run-up. It's our first session, and the DM has asked us to keep the idea of a name for the adventuring company in the back of our heads. So, he begins to describe the party; we'd all spent the past month together on the road, but had little time or inclination to really get to know each other.
"Seated around the table in the tavern are your companions from the last few weeks. To the right is Holes, who is a slender half-moon elf and is currently rolling a pair of coins across his knuckles. Next to him is Mourn, a sun elf who is dressed in a chain shirt and has his sword set on the floor within easy reach. Next in line is Gerald, a human dressed in all black with the holy symbol of Kelemvor around his neck. Beyond him is Tony's character (Tony couldn't make the session and I don't have much information about his cleric), who is a priest of Lathandar. Finally, there is Roget, a half-drow who wears little other than a grey cloak and shirt, both made of fine-spun linen."
I pause a moment to let the description filter through my brain and then spout, "Wait, so we've got a cleric of death, a cleric of life, a half-moon, a half-drow, and a sun elf? I've heard this one before!"
Everybody spent about a minute and a half laughing. The DM didn't really buy into the idea that this should be the name of the party...
When I once asked my party for their party's name the immediately decided to call it IKEA for some odd reason...
This requires a bit of run-up. It's our first session, and the DM has asked us to keep the idea of a name for the adventuring company in the back of our heads. So, he begins to describe the party; we'd all spent the past month together on the road, but had little time or inclination to really get to know each other.
"Seated around the table in the tavern are your companions from the last few weeks. To the right is Holes, who is a slender half-moon elf and is currently rolling a pair of coins across his knuckles. Next to him is Mourn, a sun elf who is dressed in a chain shirt and has his sword set on the floor within easy reach. Next in line is Gerald, a human dressed in all black with the holy symbol of Kelemvor around his neck. Beyond him is Tony's character (Tony couldn't make the session and I don't have much information about his cleric), who is a priest of Lathandar. Finally, there is Roget, a half-drow who wears little other than a grey cloak and shirt, both made of fine-spun linen."
I pause a moment to let the description filter through my brain and then spout, "Wait, so we've got a cleric of death, a cleric of life, a half-moon, a half-drow, and a sun elf? I've heard this one before!"
Everybody spent about a minute and a half laughing. The DM didn't really buy into the idea that this should be the name of the party...
I don't get this one, can someone explain?
From our last session:
We have all just set up camp and, after manifesting Read Thoughts in secret, we decided that the drow cleric should be on watch >.<(Totally not my idea)
DM: You hear howling.
Drow: Ok
DM: You gonna do anything?
Drow: Nope
DM: A few minutes later you hear howling, it sounds closer.
Drow: If I don't see it, I'm not gonna think about it.
All the sleeping party members were very infuriated. The DM decided to not throw the four worgs at us then. (He doesn't believe in Listen checks while we sleep >.<)
Running a d20 Future game!
However there were stumbling blocks. Like character creation.
GM (me): Okay so what kind of a character did you have in mind?
PC1: I want to play as a child!
GM:...
.... No.PC1: Awwwwww but c'mon! It'll be fun! I'll be really small and yet still very smart and I -
GM: You see my hand? Do you see how it's shaped like a gun? (I make a cocking motion, point at the character sheet) I call this gun my character concept killer gun. And you cannot be Jim Hawkins. BANG!
PC1:
You killed my character idea?!GM: Yep.
PC2: Oooh! I like that gun!
GM: I highly recommend it when you're running a game. Kills the problem before it starts.
-Eventually-
GM: Okay, you can roll Wisdom checks or Knowledge Physical Sciences to figure out what's happening.
*Everyone rolls horrendously low*
GM: DUDES! YOU'RE ON A SPACE SHIP!
-After finding an A.I. with a female persona-
A.I.: I am.... Strange, I have no designation.
PC2: Shirley.
Shirley: Very well, my name is now Shirley. And *here PC2 tries to snipe at a couple of clone-guards through an energy/ballistics immune window* And that is a really stupid course of action.
PC2: Shut up woman.
Shirley: BITE ME!
Oh if only I could remember more from last night.
I don't get this one, can someone explain?
You're not alone...
Drow: If I don't see it, I'm not gonna think about it.
This player needs to be introduced to that little thing we call "the social contract". Stapled to a 2x4.
I pause a moment to let the description filter through my brain and then spout, "Wait, so we've got a cleric of death, a cleric of life, a half-moon, a half-drow, and a sun elf? I've heard this one before!"
Everybody spent about a minute and a half laughing. The DM didn't really buy into the idea that this should be the name of the party...
I don't get this one, can someone explain?
Simple. Its got all the making of a bad bar joke. Something similar like "A priest, a buddest, and a rabbi are sitting at a bar."
What gets to me is the fact the half drow isn't wearing any pants! Just a shirt and cloak.
Simple. Its got all the making of a bad bar joke. Something similar like "A priest, a buddest, and a rabbi are sitting at a bar."
What gets to me is the fact the half drow isn't wearing any pants! Just a shirt and cloak.
It also seems to bear some distinct comparisons with the 8-Bit Theatre cast
Simple. Its got all the making of a bad bar joke. Something similar like "A priest, a buddest, and a rabbi are sitting at a bar."
What gets to me is the fact the half drow isn't wearing any pants! Just a shirt and cloak.
Well yeah, but the line suggests he has a specific name in mind for the party, since that was the topic of conversation.
It also seems to bear some distinct comparisons with the 8-Bit Theatre cast
8-bit theatre cast? How in all the nameless lords of chaos?
I can just about see the Black Mage and White Mage comparison but where in the nine do fighter, and red mage come in?
I guess you could draw the thief-> sun elf comparison...
Show
The Cast:
Glinfaëwyn de Glinfaë-CN Elven Rogue
#3571-LE Barbed Devil, Aka "Cuddles".
Daimon-N Human Wizard
Barsad-LG Elven Paladin
Kano-N Elven Fighter
Situation: A captured Kobold Leutennant tells the PCs how to find his tribe's sorcere, but then begins spouting dire warnings in Draconic. Cuddles & Damion are the only two Draconic speakers (and they're sadists).
Kobold(In Draconic): Don't go there! The Mojo Sorcerer, him got big dragon and heat vision and magic sword as big as tree!
Cuddles(Draconic): Quiet you! *hits him*
Barsad: What did he say?
Kobold(Draconic): Ouchie, my HEAD!
Damion: He said "that felt good."
Barsad:
Damion: He has very strange taste :D.
-----
Cuddles(Draconic): I don't wanna go to the town! Why do I have to carry the Kobold?
Damion(Draconic): There's sandwiches there.
Cuddles(Draconic): Sandwiches!!!!!
Barsad: Where is he going?
Damion: The bathroom
Glin: With a Kobold?????
Damion: He has very strange taste :D.
-----
DM(me): After an hour of travelling, you find Cuddles collapsed on the ground.
Glin (OOC): And the Kobold!?
DM: You see two small legs sticking out of a dune and struggling feebly, where Cuddles put him to keep him from escaping.
Cuddles: Yoo shtay where yoo awe! *Collapses again*
-----
Damion (OOC): Who has the highest Charisma?
Cuddles (OOC): That would be me! :D
Glin: Send in the idiot!
-----
Town Guard(Me): And this is the Town Hall...
Damion: There's bars on the windows!
Town Guard: Yes, and the rooms are nice and padded.
-----
Glin (OOC): Castrati sounds like a kind of pasta.
-----
Kano (OOC): Can I use Handle Animal on the kobold?
DM:
Kano (OOC): You're racist!
-----
Barsad: Do what I say and we'll get much less executed than otherwise.
-----
Cuddles: Listen here, woman!
Damion (OOC): Hey, my character's a guy!
Cuddles (OOC): Intelligance of 8, remember?
-----
Barsad (OOC): Is a halebred pointy?
-----
Glin: What's your favourite kind of sandwhich?
Cuddles (OOC): Let's see, he's a Devil from Hell...
Cuddles: A Belzeburger!
DM: Everyone roll a spot check.
party rolls
DM @ me: You see a small piece of flesh that looks similar to the troll... and its exanding.
Me: Awww ****... its regenerating, LIGHTNING BOLT!
Keep in mind we're in knee deep water...
Rest of the party: NO!
Me: I MEANT MAGIC MISSLE! STOP! AAAAA
Laugher ensues.
DM rules that we take 2x max damage without a reflex save for being knee deep in water. Everyone but the monk (who wasn't even there) died and he had to tote us out 1 at a time to try and get us ressurected.
"Clive", elven champion of Corellon and the elfin people in general. Likes beer, women, and having a higher armor class than most demigods.
Indeed I do. Some more amusing quotes from our games include:
Clive: why are the watch after me?
DM: well, you did burn that tavern down.
Clive: it was an accident!
DM: you fashioned a molitov cocktail out of dwarven ale and threw it at the waitress.
Clive: @#$% took my alcohol! What was I supposed to do?
DM: roleplay.
Clive: I did roleplay! I asked nicely for her to give it back before I blew her up!
Clive gets kinda irrational when deprived of his alcohol
Us sitting down at Sig's second session:
DM: okay so Sig and Berrand...
Sig: Who?
Us: points at Berrand's player.
Sig: oops.
Clive: Shouldn't we check in with Octavius? (an NPC)
Sig: who?
Me: write down poor short term memory on your char. sheet somewhere.
The party is exploring an "abandoned" castle. The party has been here before, but Clive is the only surviving member of that group.
DM: you enter another compleatly empty room, this one looks like it used to be a library, and was recently looted.
Clive: (Kinda sheepishly) Heh heh heh.
Party: what?
Clive: I think i still have those books in my haversack.
Sig: what do you have in there anyway?
Clive: Uh, two librarys, a table, chairs, place settings, the entire contents of that wizard's tower, a Libram of Silver Magic, that adamantine door we picked up, and one of everything in the player's handbook.
And the best ones of all:
Later in the same dungeon the party runs into a living spell, now it should be kept in mind that this party has destoyed enemys of much greater CR than our level.
DM: you see a massive writhing mass of faces and protrubances, from its mouths issue the wails of a thousand and one tormented souls.
Sig: I wet myself.
Clive: I take out my adamantine door.
DM: Okaaaaay.
Clive: and I use it to block the the hallway.
Sig: won't it just go through the door?
Clive: no, the door is locked, that's why we had to hew it from the walls to get past it. Anyway, I run for it.
DM: WHAT?
Party: yeah, we run.
Later in the same dungeon the party is entering a room, Clive is bringing up the rear.
DM: *rolling* Clive, as you are about to enter the room you notice something black leaking through the ceiling, and a faint sound.
Clive: what sound?
DM: the sound of a thousand and one wailing souls.
Clive: I curse, kick the door shut, and prepare to die so my friends can escape.
DM: the room is a dead end.
Clive: @#&%!
Sig: that sounds like trouble.
Sig peeks out of the door, then slams it shut.
Sig: so it is.
Me:*rolls a 1*"adding wisdom, cog(WF artificer) gets a 3..."
DM:" Okay, cog misses the train... how about everybody else?"
Another case: my sister keeps going on about her WF BARBARIAN wearing tiaras and having pink clothes and what not, and at one point she amde the following comment...
Her:*regarding which expensive hotel to stay at* "Does jessica(WF barbarian) get bath salts?"
DM: "she's a warforged, she doesn't use bath salts or take a bath, or you could roll a fort save against rust"
Me:"OR she could use an oiled steelwool loofah!"
Group:
You should have been there, it was hillarious.
Weenog: :lightbulb I think this plan may blow up in my face, but that seems just unlikely enough to be worth a shot.
Nerdanel: Might as well give it a shot.
Nerdanel: I'm pawning that sword if you die, though.
Later, inside the fortress, Nerdanel is working solo to find the woman while Weenog and the rest of the party are out risking their necks fighting about 1,500 zombies to prove the group are allies of the goblinoids of the fortress and willing to fight for them. As she's sneaking around, the DM requires a Move Silently check, and Nerdanel rolls a 1, for 9.
Nerdanel's Player OOC: Nerdy steps on a porcupine and yells *OW!*
Nerdanel's player is great. :D
Newbie Monk: I got a 1
DM: You see a dragon
Newbie Monk: I hide
The rest of us: general laughter
*'you see a dragon' became a running gag whenever anyone rolled a one on a spot, the monk failed many a spot check from then on*
-------------------------
DM: A very scary looking full-plated cleric of Talos [BBEG] steps out of the portal, he looks at you very suprised.
Monk (now tenth level and not newbish) wins innitiative: STUNNING FIST!!!!! *rolls twenty* *rolls twenty* *rolls twenty*
DM: Um yeah....You punched his head clean off, the body remains standing in place.
Swashbukler: Well I do believe he's stunned.
Ninja (new to party): What would this spell entail?
Me: You'd just have to be willing, and I'd know if you are being genuine...
Ninja: OK...
Me: So you're willing right?
Ninja: Yes
Me: (to DM) Right! I turn him into a fish!
Ninja: Ah! I go invisible!
And so was the invisible ninja goldfish conceived.
Desolation - Multiclass Rogue/Duskblade, the 'Straight Man' to the group.
Orlando Cruze - Typical fighter with some sort of plant template on him, a lawful-stupid yesman type.
Pope Chapel I - Evil cleric who worships himself as his deity, very hard on himself for his transgressions
Mr. Nicholas Harris - Senile wizard, prematurely shunted into the Venerable age category by a spell thrown by his ex-wife.
------------------------------------------------------
A few moments pass in silence before Desolation raises a hand. "Stop." he says in an authoritative voice. As everyone does so he slides down off his horse.
"What's going on?" demands Chapel, angry at being delayed.
"Saw something going across the road right here." Desolation says, dropping down to one knee and leaning from side to side.
"Don't be silly! I didn't see anything!" Chapel growls.
"Nor did I." adds Orlando.
"Who drew a
in my spellbook?" says Mr. Harris."You did," Desolation says. "You found the naked troll's absolutely fascinating and you sketched it out. And the reason none of you three never notice anything is because Search, Spot, or Listen aren't on your list of class skills! But even if they were, you guys have what? Two damned skill points per level? I have eight! You're certainly not going to be buying cross-class skills.”
"That's true." Orlando says, nodding.
"I have a Wisdom modifier of negative four!" Mr. Harris says happily.
"And I have a racial penalty to intelligence." Chapel says disgustedly. "Why could you
ing keep it in your pants, Dad?" he mutters, "With an Ogre, Christ..."Uncontrolled laughter around table as the DM anounces the invention of fast food! Mindflayer style.....................
Jimfer
DM: "A tall creature with tentacles ringing it's mouth and dressed garishly steps through the door and you have surprized it."
Cavalier fighter "I want to grapple it!"
DM: "YOU want to WHAT?"
Cavalier: "I want to grapple it!"
DM: "Ok" (successful grapple roll).
#Next round#
DM: "Cavalier it's your turn. What are you going to do?"
Cavalier: "I'm going to head Butt the creature!"
DM: Incredulous "What did you say?"
Cavalier "I'm going to head Butt it"
Uncontrolled laughter around table as the DM anounces the invention of fast food! Mindflayer style.....................
Jimfer
Above post, translated for YOUR convenience! :D
Human Dread Necromancer 3 (Me)
Sun Elf Generalist Wizard 3 (Jake)
Sun Elf Spellblade 3 (Tom[Also DMing])
Here's what was up: We were in a town full of elf hating humans and I was trying to get some info. So I meet up with this guy and Jake and Tom had themselves covered up by their cloaks and I was doing the talking:
Me: So, where can we just get the information?
Info Dealer: What's it worth to you?
Jake: *insert threat here*
Me: Shut up you fool elf!
Jake and Tom: Idiot!
Info Dealer: Elf? Where?
Me: Aw crap...
It was gooooood, I hadn't even realized I'd said it until it was too late.
-Gene
The vampire spawn PC (don't ask) "Okay, so we tie the old cow up and wait."
Me: "Aiwyn sees no evil; she hears no evil."
After consecuitive ones on my Spot and Listen checks with my Elven Cleric of Pelor.
I was playing a ranger / horizon walker, and I took a job to protect the sheep of a farmer who'd been having problems with goblins lately. The rest of the party was just relaxing in the town.
So around sunset, my character dons a make-shift sheep suit and sits in the field.
Then goblins arrive around midnight. As they begin to herd some of the sheep away, I stab one through my sheepskin.
"THE SHEEP IS DEMONS! POSSESED SHEEP!" cry the goblins, as I chase them around the field, a big ball of white fluff wielding a longsword.
Meh, it was funny at the time.
while crossing the unkempt lawn of a powerful NPC summoner, we were jumped by a stray earth grue (thankfully these grues are NOT the the fabled insta-gib grues of video game lore) that escaped the summoner's will. after successfully botching a power attack roll (crit miss, good old 1) with my favorite (and only) glaive, i managed to neatly slice our party's pixie (and ranged support) from 7 hp (full) to -8. we thanked our respective gods i didn't have a higher str or BAB and that i didn't roll a bit higher on the damage, had i been 1 level higher... i somehow managed to fully heal our pixie with my faithful wand of Cure L-Wounds with 3 successful uses in a row.
after this i was feeling quite happy with my rolling i decided to heal myself before venturing further as i was wounded by an earth grue. so i roll the good old d20... with a negative penalty... i forgot exactly what it was for... and i roll a 1. now i start sweating bullets. i give our DM a frightened look. since this was both a mishap (i was more then 10 off the DC AND it was a 1. our dm could not resist giving an embarassing mishap)
the first thing my character hears is:
Dwarf tank: Aw, lookit the little bunny! can you hop around for me?
Gnome rogue: CUTE !!! ^_^ (to the Dread Necro) can i keep him?
Pixie: (still groggy from being nealy sliced in half)
Dread Necro: Ok, that is it, you are no longer touching ANY magic items that require activation...
the mishap ended up giving me bunny ears and a cotton tail. needless to say, i decided to stay in the parlor with the crawling hands & invisible servants instead of speaking to the NPC mage... the dm decided a lesser restoration of some sort would solve the issue. so we trudge along to the DN's church and i embarassingly ask the local pastor for some healing.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
later on we decide on going in a pit fight. after being crit'ed by an earth element on the first round (from 25 full to -5 and dying) and being fully healed by the DN's generosity, in the next fight (2 ogres) i happen to roll yet another 1 on my attack roll and this time i accidentally attempted to disembowl the Dread Necro (he was at full and had DR, so it didn't drop him in the negatives). he was hurt, he was angry, but he was alive. i, however, was fearing for my safety.
so, being the chaotic neutral samaritan that i am, i decide to give another try at UMD with the wand on our weakened party memebers. again, i had some negatives on my roll for one reason or another.
dwarf (ooc): don't roll a 1 this time!
me (ooc, jokingly): watch me roll a 1
*roll* 1 so i get, again a mishap and a 1. the DM actually smiles and laughs
everyone:
DM: the wand fizzles as small flames flicker out of it, Dread necro, roll a reflex save.
DN:
What did i tell you??? (he ends up making the save & leveled up with the ogre EXP)me: sorry :surrender
the session then ended with us taking some downtime to let the DN level up. next week back to the Isle of Wight, where 3rd level clerics are turned into paste via greatclubs and ancient demons are trapped in crystal balls! what will i botch spectacularly next week? who will i accidentally blow up? find out next monday!
Short, from an older canpaign.
I was playing a ranger / horizon walker, and I took a job to protect the sheep of a farmer who'd been having problems with goblins lately. The rest of the party was just relaxing in the town.
So around sunset, my character dons a make-shift sheep suit and sits in the field.
Then goblins arrive around midnight. As they begin to herd some of the sheep away, I stab one through my sheepskin.
"THE SHEEP IS DEMONS! POSSESED SHEEP!" cry the goblins, as I chase them around the field, a big ball of white fluff wielding a longsword.
Meh, it was funny at the time.
FEAR MY WOOLEN WRATH! LOL
now for some more (mis)adventures with UMD...
Wow... your DM is an ASS.
Me: "Well, think about it, how else to orcs get half-orcs? It's not like they have classifieds for that sort of thing. 'ORC MALE WANT HUMAN NOT-MALE. ORC LIKE YELLOW HAIR. NOT-MALE MUST LIKE WORGS.' "
Me: "Awww, comon! Why do we always have to check with these guys?"
Mage: "We are mercinaries, they are the law. You need to have more respect for the rules of law and order."
Mage: "Stop being so uptight! Live a little!"
DM (OOC): Says the undead...
Later, we were waiting by a fence for some monsters to approach...
Cleric: "We need a ranger."
Monster: "I ate a ranger once, does that count?"
Cleric: "We don't want to hear about your conquests."
Cast: (Name and then character)
Josh (can't remember character name, plays the cleric)
Matt (Fritz, a chaos gnome (no class levels yet I don't think))
??? (Fratz, the other chaos gnome)
Lee (again a blank on character name, plays a rogue)
??? (can't remember much except his warlock does better in melee than me
)??? (Vargis (sp?), wasn't present but is definitely our tank)
Me (Galen the human fighter and a noob;) )
We were playing through the adventure "Siege of the Spider Eaters" (Dungeon #137). In one area we encounter a dead aranea and a wounded spider eater. After slaying the spider eater we start examining the area. Fritz wanders over the dead aranea and pulls out the spider eater's stinger (which was in the aranea). He then as a joke throws it at Lee's character. Critical hit. We had to heal Lee to keep him from dying.
After we hack our way through a tunnel full of spider webs we come to the next area. There is a hole in the floor covered with webs. Fritz decides to use them as a trampolene. He falls through, goes 40 ft, and is now bleeding. I secure my rope and Josh goes down to save him. Unfortunately I didn't know that I needed to knot the rope (see my description of myself), so he rolls a use rope skill. Fails. Falls to the ground. The only thing that saved him was a house rule of the DMs for luck points, which he used to avoid most of the damage from.
We had fun and personally I wonder what the kenders, I mean chaos gnomes will do this Sunday.
Player: I may not be able to see you but I can still kill you.
Wizard: I was beat down by a chest (mimic)
Fighter: I was eaten by a red dragon resurrected from my very armor...
Wow... your DM is an ASS.
actually Aubri, i look forward to what will happen when i fumble now. i am getting a rep for rolling good when not needed and rolling horribly when it counts, so every fumble is an adventure in itself. our DM is a great guy and i doubt he would kill us for something like that. it's either embarassing or a lilttle bit of damage.
those misadventures with UMD brings out some pretty funny moments for the party. that bunny-ears scenario was great fun, the best in the entire session really. i did more harm with crit misses then UMD itself anyways when we crit miss in combat, we either make an attack roll against the nearest party member (or roll a dX if many are around) with the same mods as before, and if no one is available, we lose our next action getting up or getting our weapon untangled.
no one has yet to die, and even then, it's all in good fun.
we just like hanging out, making bad jokes, and catching up on what's going on. and we get to play D&D to boot!
what really ****** me off though is that those were brand new dice, the "premium" ones that came with the player's kit (i decided to upgrade my 3.0 phb to 3.5 instead of always borrowing my roommate's or going to the SRD). i got 4-5 crit fumbles with that d20. the other dice rolled good, but the brand new d20 didn't like me that night. i'm just hoping i got all the bad juju out of it and it will roll a few more nat 20's this sunday (it did roll 2-3 nat 20's however, but only 1 succeeded to confirm).
Player who failed to save vs blindness and kept swinging.
Player: I may not be able to see you but I can still kill you.
And on that note:
L5R game:
Me (puny crane healer) and Mark (scorpion fighter/mage) found a village where everyone was dead, but ringing the bell brought everyone back to life. (Meanwhile, our 'good' fighter was off because he had been humilated at the hand - hoofs - of a goat.)
Big bad (twisted by the dark magic of the underworld) enters town and fighter fails save and is bleeding from the eyes and ears (blinded).
Me make save - cast only offensive spell I know (which only works against tainted) and don't know how well it works bc seconds later he hits me with his sword and I'm lying unconscious on the ground bleeding to death.
Mark still tries valiently to defeat the tainted evildoer - swinging wildly due to being blind.
Big Bad: "You still think you can defeat me? Heh."
Yeah for lucky roll combined with the nearly dead healer that destroyed the Big Bad's armor with her spell.
A story for everyone who keeps on trying for the win when all the odds are against you.
A story for everyone who keeps on trying for the win when all the odds are against you.
On the opposing note, I have a player playing a Dread Necromancer who tried to commit suicide. Nine. Consecutive. Times. And he's still not dead :P
On the opposing note, I have a player playing a Dread Necromancer who tried to commit suicide. Nine. Consecutive. Times. And he's still not dead :P
Is this a character thing, or is the player bucking against your DMing style?
On the opposing note, I have a player playing a Dread Necromancer who tried to commit suicide. Nine. Consecutive. Times. And he's still not dead :P
Talk about faliureOn the opposing note, I have a player playing a Dread Necromancer who tried to commit suicide. Nine. Consecutive. Times. And he's still not dead :P
He does realize he can just administer a Coup de Grace to himself and voluntarily fail his fortitude saving throw Vs. death, right?
How long does this spell last? Will i have time to go and buy some ice-cream?
On the opposing note, I have a player playing a Dread Necromancer who tried to commit suicide. Nine. Consecutive. Times. And he's still not dead :P
This guys just needs to throw himself at the ground. He will therefore learn to fly. :D
Villain 1: I'm going to grab something to eat.
Villain 2: Bio-break, be right back.
Mansmasher: Eating babies...
Other Villains:
Mansmasher: What?! You're either evil or you're not.
"Look at the Dragons Jewels"... Knowing the mind-in-the-gutter attitude that the players have... we had a wonderful laugh.
Hmm the first clause of the first sentence could also be taken wrongly...
Male Fighter (Me) : Quick everyone, get in and bar the door!!
Female Elven Cleric : Ok, we're all in, BAR THAT DOOR!!
(Everyone helps to bar the door as best as they can)
While the door is being barred, I take a chance to peek round the door to see what is chasing us, and after just passing my spot test I can make out Goblins and Trolls, so my character says..
Male Fighter (Me) : Who wants the good news, who wants the bad news first?
Everyone says good news.
Male Fighter (Me) : Well, there aren't many of them....
Everyone else : And the bad news?
Male Fighter (Me) : They have a Troll, and another Troll, and (sigh) another Troll, oh and we have nowhere to run to.
I don't think it was what I said, more the way I said it...I was smiling optimistically as I sighed...just like Boromir in Lord Of The Rings...hence the sort of copyright.
Class & level: rogue 2/fighter 1 | race: Human | Align: CN | Deity: Olidammara
i think i may convert to a nicer god next sunday... like Gruumsh or Orcus
Buw ha ha ha..so I was right, you DID **** of the God of Dice? I still suggest a sacrifice, maybe 7 Virgin Barmaids and a Tankard of Ale?
No don't sacrifice them, throw a party and get a cleric to send an invite to him. You'll know it works if there are 7 less virgins at the party when its over :D
or 8 Less Virgins at the party...NOW THATS A DEITY!Self - CG Halfing spellthief
Dude (shortened from a much longer name that began with 'dude') - LG human fighter/FFT lancer home-brew
Stray - CN human warlock
'Bro' (the only way we refered to him) - CN dwarf ranger/lasher
My DM ruled that a spellthief's steal spell effect worked on the warlock abilities, so every morning Stray buffed himself up and I borrowed his abilities, and he buffed himself up again.
Self: Who needs a real wizard? Every morning I can fly, spider climb, see invisiable creature and through magical darkness and even while blinded.
Bro: Well, there is still fireball and cone of cold.
Self: Yeah...
Bro: And teleport, and polymorph, and dispel magic, and...
Self: Yeah, but when do those ever help out a fight!
Later, we are attacked by dwarves at night, working for a king I hated. Bro yells out to them to cease and desist, using code words we knew since we also worked for the king. Of course, with a war going on, they were still warry. I turn to the DM and tell him I roll an Intimidate check. I figure a 2'9" halfling standing on a stool holding a big book may sufficiently scare 12 professional soldiers into cooperating.
Natural 20 + 5 for nat + 12 for ranks + 5 for cha + 10 from item + 4 for a pair of menencing allies = 56
DM: They are now cowering. Three have **** themselves, two more have fainted, the leader has just begun pledging his allegence to you. Congraduations, you just broke the encounter.
Finally, we get to the final battle. Past said king (esti. CR 18) vs. a very old red dragon with sorcerer levels (esti. CR 25) vs. us, 6 level 10 adventurers. Atop a tower, the others are running interference and trying to kill something. I am flying around, invisiably, looking for a place to put my dagger. Finally, I find an opening under the dragon and perform a sneak attack. I forgoe damage and say I steal a random level 4 spell. The DM rolls and tells me I now have Phantasmal Killer prepared.
Self: I cast it.
DM: Okay, you see the dragons eyes glaze over for just a moment. He (rolls) fails his own Will save and (rolls) fails the Fortitude as well. Congradulations, another encounter you broke. Please feel free to scream and curse as the dragon's monumental carcass falls upon you.
An Avatar of Shar was Destroyed during the round another Play rolled an Intimidate check, as in the avatar was destroyed and it was this players Turn..Who just Spit hellfire from his mouth and is a 4 armed Winged Drow Glowing Purple with Fairy Fire (Do-Not-Ask).
Nat 20+16 Rank + 4 cha + 7 Misc +...30 for an avatar exploding in midair near by = 107
Dm: The Soldiers (UNDEAD mind you..) Are so shocked by the sudden loss of their master, and a flying Purple Winged Drow spitting hellfire (and a high Roll) They remember their entire non undead life and Die on the spot again from fear. You just Intimidated 60 Undead Warriors to Life then Redeath.
Anyone find it odd that this thread has somehow managed to survive to the 2000+ posts(or 86 pages worth there of)?
Anyone find it odd that this thread has somehow managed to survive to the 2000+ posts(or 86 pages worth there of)?
Nope :D
Anyone find it odd that this thread has somehow managed to survive to the 2000+ posts(or 86 pages worth there of)?
Nope
yes I havent had much sleep if your wondering, so my mind is somewhere in the galaxy near Albicorky and Valhalla!
Anyone find it odd that this thread has somehow managed to survive to the 2000+ posts(or 86 pages worth there of)?
I think that the WizO's realized how much this thread is part of the community. They probably have a program in place that sorts the threads in order of post count, and I bet theres no chance they just "looked over it" even if there is no program.
Raiper wielding rouge: "I don't believe in faries!! I don't believe in faries " (everytime he hit one)
Sorceror: "That's it! Teach those Tinkerbells a lesson!"
Xandu:*pulls out map of city he found* "We start here, in the Northeast corner of city, and the Bird (Kenku rogue,) and I will make a sweep of the town, going south, and checking every house, opening locks if need be. Salad (elf druid,) you're on detect magic duty..."
Gnome Wizard PC, OOC:
"When the going gets tough..."Xandu "The tough get rich!!"
Later...
Gnome: I named my riding dog Daisy.
Druid: I named my warhorse Poison.
Xandu: So? I named my spear Mr. Stabby, lets get back to looting!
Gnome: I named my riding dog Daisy.
Druid: I named my warhorse Poison.
Xandu: So? I named my spear Mr. Stabby, lets get back to looting!
I like that goblin.
I like that goblin.
So do I.
Rogue: Don't worry guys, even if they do catch me, I can break out of their yokel prison with no problems.
Fighter: Listen ****, if you get thrown in prison and get us kicked out of town the local authorities will be the last of your problems.
Rogue: Don't worry, I'm too good to get caught
*one abysmal Sleight of Hand check later*
Rogue: *runs into the bar, puffing and panting* OK chaps, we really should leave this town and get going now
Fighter: Don't worry, if they catch you, I'll bring you a cake in prison. And inside that cake, I'll hide a turd.
Rogue: *stunned* You mean a metal file?
Fighter: You heard what I said
We were all in hysterics. The fighter's deadpan delivery was spot on. :D
Fighter: Don't worry, if they catch you, I'll bring you a cake in prison. And inside that cake, I'll hide a turd.
Rogue: *stunned* You mean a metal file?
Fighter: You heard what I said
We were all in hysterics. The fighter's deadpan delivery was spot on. :D
I have to ask ... did he?
How about this one?
Enemy Psion: It is time... Meet Blooddrinker. *pulls out shiny yet deadly bastard sword*
Half-Gold Dragon Fighter: Greetings, Blooddrinker. Meet Hell! *Quickened breath weapon, charge with Flaming Burst Bastard Sword +3*
I have to ask ... did he?
...LOL...nope, the rogue was never captured. :D
PC1 (Ranger): What the heck is an owlbear?
PC2 (Cleric): Something that runs around saying things like "WHHHOOOOOO's been sleeping in my bed?"
Suddenly, out of nowhere, our half-orc barbarian Priscilla bursts into tears. His ragged cries of dismay cut through the air.
Zephyra, the exalted battledancer, walks up to him.
"What's wrong?"
*Sniff* "Nothing..."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Yeah..."
Priscilla looks up at Zephyra, tears streaming down his battle-scarred face. His eyes look hollow and pained.
"TEACH ME HOW TO READ!!"
The game stops for several minutes as we convulse with laughter.
So we've just entered a new town and are at the fountain filling up our waterskins (having just made our way through a desert.)
Suddenly, out of nowhere, our half-orc barbarian Priscilla bursts into tears. His ragged cries of dismay cut through the air.
Zephyra, the exalted battledancer, walks up to him.
"What's wrong?"
*Sniff* "Nothing..."
"Want to talk about it?"
"Yeah..."
Priscilla looks up at Zephyra, tears streaming down his battle-scarred face. His eyes look hollow and pained.
"TEACH ME HOW TO READ!!"
The game stops for several minutes as we convulse with laughter.
Proof right there that ignorance is bliss. Had Priscilla never heard of reading, there'd have been no problem. Overreacting barbarians are great, though.
well said Javoc..er..Well Said Zephyra. But everyone..to prove the over powerful rage of Fluffy the Cat I put him into a little 1 shot campaign I wanted to play where the PCs witnessed the fight between Fluffy the Cat and Steven the Commoner. Now keep in mind this is Fluffy the House Cat (no beefed up super kitty) vs Steve the Commoner with a Dagger. 1st round of combat Fluffy critically slices Steve to pieces and sends his head flying out the window where the PC's are, from the blood acting like a rocket. The players had to role a reflex and one missed an insanely low roll to avoid this flying head. As it hit they had it in their mind it would be like an anime where the first 2 people duck the flying (head) and the 3rd would get hit and bend backwards and slam his head into the ground. (There was a 4th player but he was not currently with them)One of them didnt know how that would look so they reenacted it OOC and the first 2 duck and the 3rd the player that failed his save bends back to fast and SLAMS his head into the ground, First words from my mouth "You sir, critically failed". Now this kind of sends the player into a rage..he's ****** and with a headache and has it set in his mind to get revenge on Fluffy so he barrels in and looks for fluffy. Fluffy drops down hissing and gets attack after attack in on this level 8 character.
Long story short..Fluffy that cat killed 3 of my PCs with the only one left alive just arrived as the 3rd(Player 1) character was killed by fluffy..and he promptly criticals on his first swing as fluffy.
this is a break down of the combat. Fluffy vs steve- Init for Fluff (12) Init for Steve (-). Steve petting Fluffy at the time and Fluffy did a full attack action out of the clear blue..surprise round. Rolls to Hit..Nat 20, Confirm Crit..20...2 natural 20s rule where 3rd is insanely high instant Death..Nat 20 (20-20-20 on the FIRST claw attack), and rolled barely a hit with his other claw and bit Steve.
First round of Combat with Fluffy vs PCs- Init for Fluff (17), Player 3 (15), PLayer 1 (11), and Player 2 (4). Fluffy drops down and gets to a kind of sneak attack by dropping ontop of player 3 head's..he slashes at the player...Nat 20 (
wha..players make me use another d20 that they have been using) Confirm- Nat 20 ( ) Insanely High Death Damage- nat 20 (20-20-20) so Player 3 instantly dies his head is slashes open.players 1 and 2 miss Fluffy (HOW I dont know), Init Fluffy (14), Player 1 (25), Player 2 (13)..Player 1 throws a dagger at Fluffy and he hits for..1 damage (fluffy is at 3 hp), Fluffy turns and charges trying to slash him and he Misses(Player 1 Failed his AoO), Player 2 moves to try and see Fluffy and be able to Hit him.
Round 3 of Combat Fluffy Wins Init (19), Player 1 (11), and Player 2 (16), Fluffy does the double move action to run away and hide under a small table I believe (it was something along those lines). Player 2 gives chase and throws the table to the side while he is running for the cat and runs over the cat because of his he moved..so Fluffy is Behind him in his square and he is looking around on the ground infront of him for the cat. Player 1 Tries to shoot fluffy and misses and hits Player 2 in the Bum with an Crossbow bolt.
Round 4 , Inity Fluffy (7), Player 1 (20), player 2(1 he dropped his initive?), Player 1 tries again but this time hits Steve the Commoner's headless corpse (they rolled horribly this entire fight against fluffy's amazing 14 ac when they can hit AC 29 every time). Fluffy gets to full attack for being in the same square as Player 2..hits with claws, Criticals with Bite..20..Comfirm..20( forced to switch dice again), Insanely high thingy? yes 20 (20-20-20), Player 2's Achillies heel is bit off and he bleeds to death instantly.
Round 5, Fluffy (15), Player 1 (23), he decides to enter melee combat with this thing never thinking of trying to grapple it. He rolls a 1 and drops his Axe. Fluffy Moves forward and because the player is unarmed and it is 2 squares over he cant grab it he doesnt get an AoO, Fluffy scratches and it starts to roll a 20 but one of the players grabbed the dice and rolled it on his own..it was a 20, so I had to use 2 seperate d20s (thats what..6 in 5 rounds of combat) for the confirm (20), and the Insanely High (20), so Fluffy the cat leaps into the air, punches Player 1, Fluffy then runs over and grabs Player 1's Great Axe and chops Player's 1 head off. The 4th Player arrives and is like "
" and slashes with a scythe and criticals..Fluffy DiesKill count..Fluffy, 1 Commoner, 3 level 8 Characters. Yay!
And incase anyone is wondering what I'm talking about by instantly super high damage critical its on page 28 of the DMG at the bottom..its called "Instant Kill"
I recall once we had a party that got wiped by a black cat ...
Back in good old 1st Ed days we entered "The Goblin Complex", room #1: Two human fighters, a human ranger, and an elf magic user/thief (me). Average level 5-7.
We enter a large room with a door in one corner and a couple of exit passages. Ranger knocks on door, small bookish man answers, ranger hits man with sword, splat. The MU who was meant to provide the enemy with spell support in the following encounter is now dead. At this point, the goblins arrive - or rather, two ogres, five hobgoblins in plate armour and around thirty goblins pour into the room and demand our immediate surrender.
In the ensuing scuffle, I take one point of damage, and one of the fighters takes 7 points from being bear-hugged by an ogre. Naturally, we kicked their butts even though I didn't get off so much as one spell.
So battle over, we go to investigate the small room the man came out of. Inside is a table, chairs, book (spell book immediately appropriated by yours truly) and black cat hissing at us in one corner.
Ranger (to Fighter #1): "Kill the cat."
Fighter #1: "No."
Ranger (to Fighter #2): "OK, you kill the cat."
Fighter #2: "No, my ribs hurt."
Ranger (to Fighter #1): "Well in that case, you will have to kill the cat."
Fighter #1: "I don't want to. If you want it dead, you kill it yourself."
Ranger: "OK"
The ranger draws his sword and charges the black cat in the corner ... rolls ... a natural '1'. Looks like he forgot to tie his shoe-laces. He trips, flies, and stops abruptly, losing half his hit points ina flying head-butt into the stone wall, knocking himself out and breaking his +3 Frost Brand in the process.
"S**t!" exclaims F#1, who deciodes revenge is appropriate now, and sod animal loving. Grabs a chair and tries to smash cat with it - cat has fled to another nearby corner. Rolls. Misses. Cat flees again. Repeat of actions, cat is now back in original corner.
So F#1 has a brain wave - you cannot dodge grenade-like weapons (and in these old days there was no save either). So he takes a flask of oil, ties a burning taper to it and hurls it. Rolls attack on desired square: natural '1'.
Burning oil goes everywhere, except on the cat. Ranger and both fighters are set alight, I have to beat out the ranger and F#2 as one is unconscious and the other has broken ribs, and takes damage from dropping and rolling (and me beating the fire out with my cloak, ah well).
Net result: We trashed the goblins, but retreated from the black cat (familiar of a Level 1 MU, so it pretty much was just a black house-cat), F#1 (now nicknamed 'Genius') bravely leading the way, followed by F#2 ('Ribs') then the ranger ('Header') being carried by me (for reasons that may never be revealed I earned the nick-name 'Lightning').
Ah, the good old days ...
Haha..the next campaign I run I'm gonna have the Tavern they get their quests from be full of cats. Oh my players wont go near the town, they will just sit in a tree.
Lmao, wonderful CATS are the new BBEG! But this was actually Straight out of the Core 3.5 Housecat from the Monster Manual, no familiar, nothing.
Haha..the next campaign I run I'm gonna have the Tavern they get their quests from be full of cats. Oh my players wont go near the town, they will just sit in a tree.
It seems these days that understatement is the mother of villains, I'm already writing a freaking TOAD as a BBEG!
:DIt seems these days that understatement is the mother of villains, I'm already writing a freaking TOAD as a BBEG!
Thats not funny, in an Evil campeign I played in we had a Bullywug who's familiar could tank for the party
It seems these days that understatement is the mother of villains, I'm already writing a freaking TOAD as a BBEG!
Interestingly enough, in my campaign the BBEG is a book.
Set up: The PCs, a group of teenagers, have just discovered that vampires exist when they are attacked by them. Two of them, Sheetal and Tomiko, have also been informed that they are vampire slayers by one of their teachers, a former Watcher. Another, G.W., is a wizard from a family of wizards, and the group also contains Toby, a brilliant robot, and Fish, a journalism nerd.
The PCs have learned that vampires based out of the local university are trying to kill off untrained slayers, including Sheetal and Tomiko, and are trying to figure out how to get rid of them, based on limited knowledge of vampires. Plans are initially not going too well...
Sheetal: We'll save burning a cross on my lawn for Plan B.
Tomiko: Why? Sacrilege is always a good Plan A.
Finally Sheetal gets fed up with it all....and the nerds around her....
Sheetal: Well, I'm going over to the university, and if the rest of the Math League of America wants to come with me...
A little while later, with an actual plan...
Toby: If I know the math team they have over there, I'm going to get some weapons.
G.W. is not allowed to cast magic without permission, but would like to use his effective equivalent of a hold person spell...
Sheetal: It should go something like this: "Mom, when a boy reaches a certain age, he has certain needs."
G.W.: God no! I don't want her to think I'm paralyzing girls! I won't be allowed out of the house even for school for 10 years!
Meeting back up, having gone for weaponry....
G.W.: Well, I've got my ordinary sword. I was hoping to stow it with Ms. Bennet.
Sheetal: Hey, I don't want to know any of your nefarious plans for the teacher!
Ms. Bennet: I don't think I do either!
And a random encounter....
Sheetal: What do you want?
Vampire: I want you to die. It is the job of the Slayer to die.
Sheetal: I'm sure I can do my job without you.
Apparently Sheetal's player was on that night....
Interestingly enough, in my campaign the BBEG is a book.
I fought one of those in my last campaign, actually....A sentient evil book.
Paladin: So much for keeping a low-profile. Someone get him to stop dancing!
Rogue: Oh, he can dance if he wants to.
Sorcerer: (Not being able to resist)... we can't leave our friend behind.
'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance
well they're no friend of mine.
Had to explain the joke to Paladin's PC, who grew up very sheltered, but the DM had to stop the game because he spat soda all over his notes.
Men without Hats lyrics, I ask you.
es an LG Paladin adventure with an LE devil and not lose his Pallyhood?
Barsad knows that he's no match for Cuddles in a fight, but he also knows that cuddles is enough of an idiot to be tricked easily into good deeds. To be honest, Cuddles' alignment should really be Lawful Stupid, he has no moral compass aside from sandwhiches
. Anyway, our group is in it for the laughs, so I sometimes allow stuff that might not pass in a more serious game, in order to make the players have fun. As for the webcomic, I present.... http://web.mac.com/emilyt/iWeb/Devil%27s%20Food/Home.html
From my LN Warmage (going Accolyte of the Skin.) character.
Lmao, wonderful CATS are the new BBEG! But this was actually Straight out of the Core 3.5 Housecat from the Monster Manual, no familiar, nothing.
Haha..the next campaign I run I'm gonna have the Tavern they get their quests from be full of cats. Oh my players wont go near the town, they will just sit in a tree.
I've been saying this for years, NERF HOUSECATS!
DM- You notice movement to the side.
Me (Elf Thief)- I look closer look.
DM- You can make out a few humanoid shapes.
Me- MORLOCKS!!!!!
My younger brother came to visit during the weekend. since i knew we were heading headlong into the "danger! danger will robinson!" zone on sunday, i called up the DM and asked if my bro could join us for the session as a hireling. DM said yes, so we did up a 25pt buy 3rd level druid whom was affectionately called "cannon fodder", "pack mule" & "medkit" by various people in the group, just to mess with him ;)
we also got him 2 wands of cure light wounds... since i tend to roll badly on my UMD checks.
for those who remember my adventures of the past two weekends, i botched a few rolls... and got many angry faces from my party members. let's just say that dice (the one that likes to botch rolls for me) did not like me those weekends. so i decided to try and tame that beast:
D&D mini game on saturday. with the cursed dice. full attack with a Slaughterstone Evicerator (4 attacks)
2,1,1,1
me, my bro & ted (a guy who playing)
Me: i told you it does NOT like me! you can play with it on sunday, i am not touching that horrid thing!
Ted: wow... 3 ones in a row... that is scary
sunday...
i get out that cursed dice and let it rip for a test roll...
1
I quickly pass it to my bro without saying anything else. i then take out the "Red Baron", a d20 that is faithful. i didn't roll a single nat 20 or 1, but i did tend to hit the required numbers often (didn't botch a single UMD :D ).
---------------------------------------------
not exactly in game, but when mum came to pickup my bro, the session was still going on. we drove up to my place and i dropped off the bread rolls my mum made (mmmm... rolls). i quickly grabbed some stuff as i yelled out to my roommate as i left to return to the game:
"sorry i can't stay, we a demon let out, gotta go!"
---------------------------------------------
after the game, when everyone is leaving, only me, the DM and 2 other players are there
we are chatting about the dwarf surviving a self-inflicted cave-in due to spectacular rolling on his part
Me: good lord i didn't blow anyone up today!
everyone:
---------------------------------------------
as a side-note : bringing my brother along was indeed a good idea. we ended up nearly draining wand of cure light wounds dry. had he stayed longer, i am sure his second wand would have gotten a few good uses out of it. also, next session, i will level... if i survive. 500 XP until level 4! also, the cursed dice seemingly didn't affect my brother that much. he might have botched one roll if that.
we also got a new player whom is affectionately called "Glass Cannon". a 3rd level warmage with 10 HP. total.
Creeper: a ghoul paladin. Ghoulish sense of humor (pun intended). Has no problem with taking advantage of his undead state to further his cause.
Jaaz: a female Raz rip-off.
Boom: a warmage who loves explosions. He rarely says anything other than BOOM!
Darwin: our cleric. Out to retrieve sacred works for his church.
Jones: a swashbuckler who works with Darwin. Named for Indiana Jones.
Gus: tank
We had successfully captured an enemy wizard and were trying to interogate him. Wasn't going to well.
Creepers: Shall I feast on his (licks the wizards face) - mmmm - flesh?
Intimidate roll: natural 1. DM decided it wasn't realistic for the wizard not to be scared. So a natural 1 just meant we didn't scare him into talking.
DM: ok, the wizard howls in fear and throws a lightning bolt point blank at Creeper.
The wizard turned out to have the feats necessary to try this. I make the save (thank you divine grace), but without CON to HP, I'm still hurting pretty bad. The others kill the wizard.
Creeper: That's the last time I play with my food. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to feast upon his flesh.
Jones: Creeper, he's dead. You can drop the act.
Creeper: I know. But I'm hungry. And when I'm hungry, she (points to Jaaz) begins to look very appetizing.
Then again, I also know how it feels to be thrown at the foot of a beast in order to BE food
Which reminds me of a time...(insert wavy dissolve into flashback)
The Cast: Characters were granted temporary Gestalt Status due to high possibility of death from this adventure.
Myself as Raz: a half-elf rogue-mage out to save his own hide along with the world. (From Rogue7/Wizard3 to Rogue-Fighter7/Wizard-Artificer3)
Obor: a half-orc paladin out to save the world. (From Paladin10 to Paladin-Monk10)
The Situation:
Mindflayers have decided to pursue evil experiments upon myriad cross-breeds. Since Obor and Raz are indeed crossbreeds themselves and take more notice of the half-blood population, they venture upon a quest together!
Scene 1: The Tavern Meeting
Obor: I believe that with your mind and my strength, we can take on this peril together.
Raz: That's nice. By the way, are you aware at all of my dastardly reputation?
Obor: Yes.
Raz: And you want me to help you because...
Obor: You try getting help from so-called noble souls who don't like green skin and shining tusks.
Raz: Soddin' idiots the lot of them. Though perhaps all of those gleaming spikes on your armor might have scared them off.
Obor: Why's that? I clean my armor everyday!
Raz: The very idea of a clean half-orc would scare most people.
Scene 2: Fighting Umberhulks
Obor: COME TASTE THE FURY OF JUSTICE DELIVERED BY MY FISTS!
Raz: POPCORN! WHO WANTS SOME POPCORN? GET YOUR POPCORN RIGHT HERE FOLKS! *passes an umberhulk a white and red striped back with kernels and a little bottle* Here you go sir!
Umberhulk:
*sees a lit fuse about to come into contact with the bottle* *Fireball potion goes off*
Obor: Raz are you all right!?
*Raz walks out of the smoke with a bag full of popped pop corn, and pops a few kernels into his mouth*
Raz: Wuh? Oh yeah, definately *munch munch munch* Want some?
Obor: Is there any salt?
Raz: No salt.
Obor:
I like salted popcorn too...Scene 3: Round 1 - kick brains
Obor the half-orc paladin is surrounded by ogre zombies that are being controlled by a single sadistic mindflayer. Who gloats...alot. And there's also a single wooden crate in the area.
Mindflayer BBEG: Ahhh, so the noble warrior has walked so easily into my trap. And it appears that the little git hasn't survived. A shame really, I so wanted to devour his scrumptious cerebellum.
Obor:
MBBEG: Oh, don't be like that! So my undead guards were too much for him. Pity. Not like it's YOUR fault. What with your ability to turn the undead, I almost expected you to succeed in destroying my skeletons.
*Crate moves a few steps around the ogres.*
Obor:
MBBEG: Anyways, my plans are almost complete! Soon my shipment of...materials garnered from poachers and other beings will soon arrive and I can truly begin my experiments!
*Crate moves a few more steps.*
Obor: I feel I should now say what is upon my mind.
*Crate moves behind Mindflayer.*
MBBEG: Hold that thought. *turns around and blasts the crate with a fireball* AH HA! DID YOU THINK ME A FOOL?! I AM SUPERIOR! YOU'RE SIMPLE TRICKS WILL WORK ON MY MINDLESS SERVANTS BUT NOT I! FOR I AM-
Raz: *cuts off his invisibility spell* A bone-box flappin' addle-cove.
*Full-Attack, all sneaky, arcane strike with 2nd level spell; one confirmed critical hit; followed by initiative, Raz wins it, and resumes attacking again, full-attack, all sneaky, arcane strike with 2nd level spell, and MBBEG is still flat-footed*
MBBEG: I YET LIVE!
Obor: HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAAAA SMITE! *flying kick, full power attack, flanking with Raz, topped with a smite evil*
*And with that attack the Mindflayer's body practically explodes. Well...body parts are flying anyways.*
Raz: Crouching Orc, Hidden Elf.
Scene 4: A Farewell.
Obor: It seems we have been successful.
Raz: Yep.
Obor: And that in working together, we have become stronger than ever before!
Raz: It's not gonna last.
Obor: We have rescued our fellow kin, slayed the foul mastermind, and proved that orcs and elves can work together!
Raz: Or at least the mutts can.
Obor: Now, I bid you a good journey. I shall miss our arguments very much.
Raz: Well you know what I'll miss?
Obor: What's that?
Raz: The fresh scent of pine in the morning that steams off of your armor every time you wash it. How the heck do you get it that clean? There must have been a thousand instances where blood was covering you from head to toe!
Obor: Charisma of 18.
Raz: Ah, that explains it.
Raz: The very idea of a clean half-orc would scare most people.
:D
Raz: Crouching Orc, Hidden Elf.
:D :D
Obor: Charisma of 18.
Raz: Ah, that explains it.
:D :D :D
Rickiel, my Tiefling is stealing your trick. And once again..Raz is a god among men..and orcs..and zombies..and mindflayers..and Half Orcs..
And that is why I declared myself the first High Priest of the Church of His Awesomeness. All hail Raz!
And just so you know, I did not play Jaaz in my above story.
I was a CN Fighter. I hid it from the Paladin in the group. The others were pretty much all of some Good Alignment. After weeks in game time and about 4 hours real time we found the band of kidnappers. But they knew we were coming in to their hideout and two of them were holding the King's son as a shield. One had his knife to the kid's throat (yes, he was about 14). They said they wouldn't give the kid up unitl we let them go. I was cranky and tired so I said I start shooting arrows.
DM: "You do what?"
ME: "I shoot two arrows."
DM: "If you miss the bad guys you could hit the kid."
ME: "I won't. I am pretty good with a bow."
I end up rolling two single digit numbers. Two LOW single digit numbers. The DM says that I rolled so poorly that it looks to everyone in the room that I aimed for the kid. Both arrows hit the kid and he drops like a stone. All hell breaks loose. The rest of our group attack the bad guys that are kind of stunned that I did that.
By the time we wipe out the bad guys the kid is at -10. The Paladin starts screaming at me, the other members are joining in. I say I will take care of it.
We get the body back to the King. He is a wreck. He wants to know what happened. Of course the Paladin tells him (The guy running the Paladin has a smile on his face while he is talking as the Paladin to the King.) how I took aim and plunked two arrows in his only heir.
ME to DM: I look the King square in the face and say,"You DID say dead or alive."
Complete and utter silence in the gaming group. I have never seen that since.
diddly oot, diddly-oot, diddly-oot...
playing through the "Whispers of the Vampires Blade" Eberron adventure, my Orc (not half) and the Wand-Wielding Artificer are advancing on a warforged holding an old lady by the neck, threatening to kill her if we don't stop.
The rest of the party is held up with the WF and Emerald Claw fighters, and we're questioning whether we should rush her, or if it's too risky.
Docgar (me, the orc fighter/rogue): I can charge her and get her (the WF) in a grapple.
Zephram: I level my wand of Magic Missile at her, and try to stall.
Several tense seconds pass in real time...
whereupon we hear
"What are you doing? Blast her!" (from the party's Warlock, Bob) "I use my Eldritch Blast on the WF"
Rolls crit. DM rolls 50-50 for which target in the grapple it hits, while the Warlock rolls damage.
Bob: "Well, that's 24 (or so) damage to the..."
DM: "Old Lady"
Bob: "...oh....oops..."
the deadpan delivery and actual crestfallen look of the Warlock's player was priceless, but the DM's reaction to our apparent total lack of concern for collateral damage was even better.
"The Warforged looks very hard at you, seemingly seeing insane terrorists who don't mind blasting the heads off of civilians in order to get her. She turns and flees up the ladder."
and never again was another innocent used as a shield against our party.
namaste'
the hamster
Currnet party:
Tybarion: goliath barb
Resesi: homebrew dragon wizard
Ree Lock: human monk
Korenos: human cleric
and a new addition
Anna: Changeling Ranger
anyway currnet situation,party is sent to go to a swamp to retrive somethign for a local church and Anna is sent with them so they don't get lost.
anyway after getting a cart to take them their.
Korenos: why does everyone starts hateing me when i;m making an effort to behave....*cleric has sick sense of humor and isn't quite all there in the head*
Resesi: everyone hates you all the time
Tybarion: yup
Korenos:.....How bout if i strat acting like a cleric?
Resesi: that would be great, maybe you would actualy heal someone
Ree: you would only be acting
Resesi: that to
Korenos:....come on, cut me some slack....let me rephrase that *looks at barb*
Tybarion: what you want me to cut you in half?
Tybarion: ok if thats what you want
Korenos: no i think i'll pass
another funny thign is steve,ther barb's greatculb he enjoys hugging everynow and then
"You do not have sex with your food!"
The best part of this was the waitress had just walked into earshot.
"Whoa...I walk into the strangest conversations."
Couple things to note, first. The party's halfling wizard has a rather powerful scroll. I believe the DM said something along the lines of "the scroll has an imprint of the personality and knowledge of a high priest." If anything, it's helping keep the halfling in line (our halfling is known to be a horrible little kender sometimes).
After nabbing an artifact that we were looking for and surviving the subsequent collapse of about a third of an ancient, Mayan-like city, we find our way out through a secret passage in one of the temples. We were basically looking for a shortcut out... which it indeed was... right under the throne of the chief of the feral orcs that we befriended. We get another feast held for our characters, and this came about...
Psion: I would like to cast Psionic Suggestion on one of the orc females. DC 17.
DM: *rolls* Ok, what's the suggestion?
Psion: I'd like for her to take the halfling and have "schnoo-schnoo" with him.
Everyone else: :OMG!
DM: The orc female takes the halfling by his crotch. *to the halfling* Your scroll mentally says to you "Oooh. I wouldn't deny her. She's the chief's daughter."
A couple days ago, I mentioned this to a friend of mine who used to DM a game I was in before he moved over AIM. When asked of what this would make, he basically said it was something not fit for this world...
Still, a half-orc quarterling would be quite an interesting thing to see.
F4-17 - Warforged Ninja 7 being bought and sold between the rebel forces like an old sock at a garage sale. Specialises in use of equipment found in your local Arms and Equipment Guide
Sieghard Le'Morde - Human Dread Necromancer 7 specialising in two-weapon fighting and animation. Notably the only person in the party actively paying attention to the propaganda-laden sermon.
Plot:
Sieghard and F4-17 have been sent to the new Temple of Zakia (Previously a Temple of Pelor, but other religious gatherings have been banned) in order to plant explosive rune explosives to blow it up during a sermon, which would include the death of Nilova Harkuul, a Succubus Vampire they met some time prior, who is the head priestess of Zakia. The entire section occurs out of context, as they discuss how to get out of the building before someone looking at the floor decides to read the explosive packages.
F4-17: Back in character before he does something stupid. "Master we must leave now"
Sieghard: "I'm sorry, why?"
F4-17: "We have limited time, she'll be going out soon, we must deliver the package"
DM (Me): I would do what the Warforged is saying!
F4-17: I'm reminding you of the chore you've forgotten to do
Sieghard: Yeah, but this is more important
F4-17: Yes and this is our getting out of the church without getting blown to HELL
DM (Me): Yell that during a service while everyone's praying...
DM: As you leave to a safe distance, a massive explosion destroys the 2 pillars and 5 pews.
Sieghard: Killing people
F4-17: I'm a murderer...
Sieghard: Do I get a Fell Animate for this?
F4-17: Ooh yeah, guess who just committed a count of arson and a count of mass murder!
Sieghard: It seems there are a lot of things to being a dread pirate
F4-17: It's okay, I'm property, I'm not responsible :D
#F4-17 tells Sieghard about seeing the packages moving via what he thinks was a Hand of the Mage#
F4-17: Ok, an 18, I recount what I saw to Sieghard
Sieghard: Ok I start going a bit pale in the face
F4-17: Wait, you're a necromancer, that doesn't make any difference!
DM: Okay now he's reflecting light inwards
#Sieghard suspects corruption in the rebels after considering that Nilova knew the packages were there#
Sieghard: Okay, I'm starting to panic now. I'm starting to not trust the rebellion and that it's corrupted and now I have evidence
DM: You were repeatedly kicking around a small package under the pews and you're wondering how she noticed?
Sieghard: Oh yeah! We didn't hide it did we!
#Ideas on what to do now that the Temple has been demolished#
F4-17: Basically we can pretend to panic and do a runner, or we can panic and do a runner
Sieghard: Can we loot their corpses?
F4-17: There's that
DM- Ok...you rolled amazingly high ( 34 to their 0 (1 and they got a -1)...act out what to do.
Me-..um..um..*looks around the room then looks at CD player then starts singing Aitai Kimochi by Glay (a japanese band)*
DM-
They are so freaked out by what your saying they call you a witch and procede to completely ignore you covering their ears and la la laingthe Moral of the story is, Fear the Power of the Real World Languages in D&D..next time a guard causes trouble yell at him in spanish!
i prefer yelling at guards in my native french, more specifically the acadian dialect (the french i normally speak with friends and family, as well as my roommate. think of it as french slang... or something like that. it's spoken more like an unholy hybrid of french and english though, very rural & blunt, we use whatever word, from whatever language the listener understands to make our point. think of it as 2 bards speaking in common, mixing orcish, dwarven, draconic and terran words to specify exactly what they want). unfortunately for people who speak "proper" french, it sounds very alien to them (i met a guy from Morocco once who also spoke french. it was weird because i had to think before i spoke so i wouldn't use acadian french instead of "proper" french, as to not confuse him)
Scenario 1:
After we leave town X to go on a rescue mission in the city of Olympia we get diverted to a Temple of Hera, and have to stick around and talk with the female high priest for information. We enter the temple to overhear her ordering some of her disciples to go look for information for their friend Galanos - the same guy we need to rescue.
I (the fighter, essentially spartan trained, but of Delpinian heritage) step up, she turns to us and says "Yes"
and I say "Greetings, my companians and I were sent from Morla-"
High Priest "Uh-huh"
Me: "Yeah.. sent from Morlan to assist-
High Priest "I know."
Me: To ASSIST in the rescue of Galanos-
High priest "Of course."
Me "By the gods woman stop interrupting me!"
High priest "Excuse me?!"
the Party Rogue "Dude, don't yell at her! She looks scary!"
Me: "I don't care! She's interrupting as I'm trying to-"
H-P "YOU were interrupting me!"
Me: "YOU WEREN'T EVEN GONNA SAY ANYTHING!!!!"
Scenario 2:
The group Barbarian Zosimos (formerly named Priscilla) has to go off on a solo mission to a part of town we're wanted for treasonous type stuff. So we dressed him up as an old lady, and tell him to just tell people his name was Priscilla if they asked. Fortunately, he makes it to the target building safely, but goes in to find our contact's house inhabited by two rather obese zombies. He manages to barely slay the two of them (at one point he had to run out of the building-picture a giant barbarian dressed cleverly as a giant old lady climbing to the roof of a house at midnight and waiting for his chance to drop a 10 pound sword on a zombies head) and then enters the bedroom of the house to find our contact pinned to the ground with a huge knife. He spits out some useless information before he dies, and Zosimos searches the room and finds a note. He begins to read it, and after several seconds of staring at the page... realizes he is quite illiterate still. A howl of grief is heard up to a couple blocks away "WHY DID YOU NOT TEACH ME TO REEEEAAAAD!?!"
Him and the DM were in the other room, but he yelled it loud enough for the rest of it to hear it and have a good laugh.
Immediately after that, Zos searches the rest of the house and finds a huge library of books. He looks at the spines, and - remembering this time his illiteracy - pulls out his bag of holding and crams every book he can into it, just in case any of them are important. They weren't.
Scenario 3:
Group & I: ...Fire is LEthal dude.
Friend: No it isn't I looked in the book.
Me: I bet you a shot to the balls with my M4(airsoft 330 Feet Per Second) from 1 foot away that it is lethal damage.
Friend: If I am right gimmie 20$.
Me: Okay
Obviously I was right, he actualy took it like a man. After he got out of the bathroom checking to make sure nothing to hurt a girl comes to the door.
Friend: (answers door) Hi my name is ^*@& and my ***** is bleeding.
Group: Falls to the ground laughing and pretty much pisses themselves.
After the girl had left, game resumes.
DM: So yea, aside from the Non-lethal fire (turned out to be an illusion after all) what next.
Friend: wait... it was fake...
DM: Yea i just wanted to see you get shot.
Friend: Were the hell is my 20$ Biatch!
Everyone won that day.
this was one of those little 1 shot campaigns with a new DM who is learning, well he likes to make you act out your skills, like handle animal then you have to act like your trying to calm an animal or in my case..Bluff
DM- Ok...you rolled amazingly high ( 34 to their 0 (1 and they got a -1)...act out what to do.
Me-..um..um..*looks around the room then looks at CD player then starts singing Aitai Kimochi by Glay (a japanese band)*
DM-
the Moral of the story is, Fear the Power of the Real World Languages in D&D..next time a guard causes trouble yell at him in spanish!
A player in one of my games decided that talk might be a better way out of the encounter than fighting, so he wanted to make a Diplomacy check. He rolled his check (18), and I asked him what he was saying to the NPC. His response?
"I'm doing Diplomacy to you!"
Check failed.
By the way, the DM, knowing our bit of group ADD, kept moving through this.
DM: The automation in front here *pointing to it* makes this sucking sound...
Hippy Cleric: *chanting* Suck! Suck! Suck! Suck!
DM: ... before releasing a sonic burst at you guys for four damage, and make fort saves.
Rogue/Fighter: It's Mega-Maid! She's gone from 'suck' to 'blow'!
After that, we pretty much stopped on the wisecracking and referencing movies. To those who didn't see it, we quoted Spaceballs.
Archivist calls upon his Dark Knowledge (Dread Secret): I know all about you, Ta-Ammet! I know you wet the bed for 2000 years!
He ended up beating the DC by 22, so he ended up stunning the Ta-Ammet. We decided he was so mortified he was blushing. And this is why I love Archivists.
On a final note: Rickiel, Raz continues to inspire me. I now plan to go into the movie business just so I can make sure there is one day a Rogue-Mage: The Movie.
So Colonel Sanders, a pirate, Jesus, and a robot walk into a bar.
The room falls silent. Everyone turns and stares. From the back of the room, somone shouts in a heavy southern accent, "This ain't no gay bar!"
Colonel sanders responds, in a Mississipi drawl, "Then what, precisely, are you doin' heah?"
A midget with a biomechanical leg flips a table and leaps at the Colonel, and a barfight ensues.
The group recently had a detective assigned to them because of the wanton destruction that seems to follow them everywhere. After hearing gunshots, she walks into the room. Someone runs from the side as she enters and attempts to stab her with a knife. She draws her glock and fires a round into his chest before shouting "Freeze! Police!" (This was her first game ever, too. Man, I've ruined another potential player)
Everthing goes dead silent. A couple of drunks are frozen holding chairs mid swing, and the midget drops his knife. There is a three second pause, then the robot shoots the midget with his light fifty' in front of the detective.
"Oops?" he says.
Tsukasa says: Grass blades don't cut.
Maku says: Untrue. They aren't sharp but they can still do damage.
Tsukasa says: Unless you are wandering into iron-rich grass fields.
Tsukasa says: "Watch out for the grass! It'll cut ya in two!"
Maku says: o_o that's it! the perfect murder
Maku says: Enchant someone's front lawn to be Keen.
First session, I was running Forgotten Forge.
The party (Consisting of a Human Dragonmarked (protection) Fighter, A Changeling Child of Winter Druid, a Valenar Elf Ranger, and a Karnnathi Human Fighter) descended a shaft into ruins under Sharn, where they met beetle swarms. This comment from me happened as a swarm swarmed over the Changeling Druid.
Me: *Describing swarm damage* They eat your flesh....
*rolls a 1 for damage* lightly.
Rest of group:
"I commit suicide."
"What? Why?"
"Look, I'm stuck at the bottom of this pool, I can't swim, I can't see, and I can't hit anything. I commit suicide."
"Fine, roll for it."
Roll turns up natural one.
"You . . . fail to commit suicide."
"I suck at everything."
"You . . . fail to commit suicide."
"I suck at everything."
That's nothing, our Dread Necromancer tried to commit suicide 9 times and failed, now he's just gonna wait 'til level 20 :P
The next night, we're settling down in the woods when she catches up to us. Combat ensues. She gets KOed and tied up. When morning comes, our fighter, who is planning to pick up PrC Paladin, attempts to interrogate the totally stripped cleric.
He rests his swordtip on her chest. "Start talking,
!"(Roll...3...she's more than twice his level...not likely.)
She snorts at him, tells him that it's not likely, and finishes with, "and then I'll see you in hell!"
The fighter shrugs. "You first," and coups his helpless captive.
Nobody has time to move before she's shish-ka-corpse. He's still having some issues with the whole lawful good thing...
They could hire an evil cleric, though. IIRC you get a limited amount of info, like the caster, his alignment, and the location. But it's been a while. I run low magic games for the most part.
Only in D&D can you actually shoot first and ask questions later (and have them awnsered.)
Me: I take my sheet and cover myself and get on all fours like a cow
DM: A Cow with Stripes?
Me: yes, I'm from the Abyss you know..there..Cows have Stripes and Zebras have Spots!
Ibixion: Well while he dresses like a cow, I'm going to strip out of my fullplate and drop my greatsword so I'm naked and get on all fours and begin eating grass (a 7 odd feet tall Goatman bending on all fours near some fullplate and a great sword
*DM is rolling on the ground from this*
Lizard: I rolled a 41 on my hide check (high ass hide ranks and items+ his races camo ability), I turn into a patch of grass with a tail
*a few hours of waiting and Mooing the Dragon arrives and just to humor us the DM rolls a spot check for an Adult Green Dragon, but this is going with the if you roll a 1 or a 20 you auto pass or fail(makes it more fun then just adding the numbers)..the Dragon Rolls a one and gets something in his eye*
More Mooing on my part, the Goat rushes him as well as the Lizard and the fighting starts, I just take my time and get closer as the Dragon flys into the air and gets ready to Breath his Acid when he finally notices the oddly painted cow that suddenly stands on its hind legs and throws a Heavy Sickle attached to 300 feet of rope (TM, I made this Weapon and I have Exotic Weapon proficincy with it!) that criticals on the damage and as the Dragon flys away screaming about Demon Cows, the heavy sickle hooks into his mouth and by luck of the opposided strength check he flys and slams his head into the ground from a 40 foot fall and weighing 2500 pounds taking 9d6 of falling damage(plus 1d8 from the Heavy Sickle, 2 vile damage, 1d6 Fire damage, and 5d6 sneak attack damage). We all now have very lovely Green Dragon armor!
Whoops, correction, it was a Young Adult Green Dragon, since adult Dragons are Huge sized and weight 20,000 pounds! And we are all ECL 6 (Lizard is 4, I'm 5, and the Cleric is 5)
We've met our archenemy in his home, disguised as a band of mercinaries. He's just happily introduced himself to us, ready to give us the mission to kill ourselves.
BBEG: "And you must be Delver, the assassin! You can finally rid me of that pesky Scout, Deadeye!"
Deadeye: "I shall rip asunder your fleshy body and pledge your soul to the Dragon Below."
BBEG: "... what?"
Deadeye: "Sorry; wrong MP3 file. I mean "Nice to meet you"."
++Later, after we've sprung him++
BBEG: "You scheming cowards! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!!!"
Deadeye: "It was a wonderful evening, thank you."
BBEG: "... what?"
Deadeye: "Sorry; wrong MP3 file. I mean "Khyber hungers, vermin!"." *Shoots the BBEG through the mouth.*
amost a TPK... almost...
we're in this 10 ft wide corridor and there is a pit to our left
and a door in front of us. the halls are very clean, almost spotless, yet this part is older then the previous rooms ( x2).since the gnome is our normal trapspringer, the party decides it's my rogue/fighter (who is not a trapspringer in the least) who will check for traps. after nearly getting beheaded by a scyth trap in the previous room, i was cautious. this was a new experience for my guy and he just got a bit more respect for that gnome.
in front of the new door there is a puddle of water. in a well kept area, there should not be any water in front of a door. we (as in my poor rogue/figher, John) goes and tries to scoop some up in a vial using thongs. the dang puddle attacks... stupid ooze. we beat it down only have an ocre jelly crawl out of the pit...
the ranger takes his hammer & mace and begins smashing that yellow goop. our dwarf, taking the advice of the mage does nothing (no bludgeoning weap). my character is now debating... run with dread necro or stand and fight. ignoring the smart part of my brain, i stand and fight. only to have both ranger and John engulfed, eaten and dissolved. -10 exactly.
the warmage then got blown up via a fireball trap, while the dwarf and kyton (monsterous progression) got killed via a construct of some sort.
the Dread necro got out of if alive. barely.
when he got out he asked the dm
DN: "what was that gnome doing all that time???"
DM: "she saw something shiney"
DN: "why am i not amazed..."
funny thing is, that is quite in character for the gnome
Note: We use DMG treasure tables. Magic items are from there.
Cast:
Naru Tsuki: Lvl 1 Human Magister, can use Sonic spell template. Me! Enjoys bluffing and messing with people.
Whats-his-face-the-useless-bodyguard-dog-thing: Lvl 1 Sibecai Ritualist Warrior. Is very gullible and a bit dim (8 int) Can't think of his name. I think of him as "pawn," but not aloud.
Pawn: I see three goblins. Can I kill them?
N: Sure, what do I care?
P: (to goblins) Cheif wants you dead. Is that okay?
Goblin: Uh...no?
P: Oh, sorry then. (To Naru) They don't want to die! What should I do?
N: Just kill them.
After finishing up the goblins...
N: *sums up the treasure* Okay, you did more work, so you can have those 2 bodies. I'll just take this one.
P: YAY!
N: *pulls out 40 platinum, a jeweled stopper, and a wand of melfs* *sarcastically* Ooh, goody. I get a handfull of silver, a cork, and a stick. You always get the good stuff.
P: *gets 400 silver, total* HAH! Sucks to be you, I got all of this!
Player 1:" You know, we need something better than this wagon we've been using to carry our stuff."
Player 2: "Maybe we could mount more heavy crossbows on it."
Player 3: "Not enough room."
(all): "Hmm..."
Player 2: "Waitasec. I have an idea. Take a big wagon, 15x10 or so. Put adamantium plate on it with a cheap layer of wood or something on top. Add a couple of firing ports, and maybe enlarge those crossbows some."
Player 1: "Isn't there some weapon effect that lets you create your own ammo for bows?"
Player 2: "I think so. Maybe put a second level on there and a ballista in a little 5 foot turret on top, but we need to make it autococking somehow."
Player 3: "Animate object maybe? We need to figure out how to get a huge adamantium wagon to move too. Either a chained fire elemental, animate the wagon, or maybe a permanent disk spell..."
Meanwhile, the DM has been staring at the group in slowly dawning comprehension and horror.
DM: "YOU ARE NOT ADDING A BRADLEY FIGHTING VEHICLE TO MY GAME!"
Player 2 in the above happened to be the husband of the DM. After promising not to add modern assault vehicles to Waterdeep's streets, the following came up at the end of a session:
Player 2: "I'm going to take leadership as soon as we hit level 6. That alright with you?"
DM: "What did you have in mind?"
Player 2: "We're in Waterdeep, so finding a gnomish priest of Gond and PrCing him into a Techsmith shouldn't be too hard."
Player 2 has been known as MacGuyver in real life and is forbidden from walking through a hardware shop without an escort. The look our DM gave him should have been instantly lethal.
DM: "Well, you can do that, but I'm giving you fair warning. Since you want to play with a cleric so bad, if your character should happen to die a violent and sudden death in the next few sessions, I'm not allowing you back as anything but a cleric."
Player 2: "I'll take the risk."
DM: "A cleric of Sune."
Player 2: "That's... different. I usually play neutral characters."
DM: "And since the party is usually short a few people, I'm going to add a priestess."
Player 2: "Don't you think that's a little overkill? I can take care of the healing thing with one cleric."
DM: "Who said anything about healing? She's going to be a whip-using priestess of Loviatar, and you're going to be her special friend."
Player 2:
(quiet voice) "I need to find another feat."DM: "Thought so." :D
DM: "Who said anything about healing? She's going to be a whip-using priestess of Loviatar, and you're going to be her special friend."
Player 2:
DM: "Thought so." :D
Oh, that's great.
DM: "Who said anything about healing? She's going to be a whip-using priestess of Loviatar, and you're going to be her special friend."
Player 2:
DM: "Thought so." :D
I don't get it, but the bradley assault vehicle sounds like a good idea...
I don't get it, but the bradley assault vehicle sounds like a good idea...
Two entries for you, and you should be able to connect the dots...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM (Don't worry, it's PG)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loviatar
Make sense now?
? . wow, ok I get it.I wonder if there are any iFORGED.
Those'd be the robots of I, Robot. I mean, they aren't even subtle about it.
Those'd be the robots of I, Robot. I mean, they aren't even subtle about it.
Somehow I think a Warforged Bard would make more sense as an iForged
Those'd be the robots of I, Robot. I mean, they aren't even subtle about it.
OT but Isaac Aasimov wrote the "I, Robot" series the film is based on in the 1940s. I'm pretty sure that predates the iPod.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,_Robot
Bear With me... it is a whole campaign.
THroughout the game the characters have changed classes several times thanks to getting a little overzealous with the PHBII deck of many things variants.
The Cast
Spinoozle Zwoodle: N Gnome Druid, the quiet-loner type.
Cazial: CN Elf Ranger/Order of the Bow Initiate-7, until a few disturbing in-game awakenings lived to kill goblins to gain vengeance for her clan, which was wiped out.
Dara: CN human Warlock, Fled from an arranged marriage that was meant to get her far away from her father's peers.
Yuri: CG Halfling Fighter/Rogue, Crossbow master and (theoretical) king of trash talk.
1. The Nicknames that Haunt
During the party intros.
Dara: Spinoozle, hunh? Can we just call you Spin'?
Cazial: I think we should just call him Ooze!
The very first adventure in this campaign is an attack by a dire toad while crossing a swamp. I've modified them by downgrading the poison and giving them a swallow whole instead.
This encounter turns into abloody mess with the gnome swallowed whole, then escaping only after the players catch the toad in a rope bag, leaving him stuffed next to the toad in horrible quarters while his allies beat the thing to death.
Spin': Yeargh! that was foul.
Dara: No kidding!
Spin': No I mean REALLY foul. I reak of toad milk.
Cazial: Doesn't that stuff make you hallucinate?
Spin': Why do you ask? And why do you have extra heads?!
[a little later]
Spin': Look guys, were beaten, poisoned, and I'm coated in sludge, not to mention seeing things (swats the air). Let's go back.
Dara: We just left!
Spin': Hey, I'm paying the fees, I think we should go back!
Cazial: Whatever you say, Toadsnack.
After that Spinoozle had to deal with being called Toadsnack for about eight adventures, right up until Cazial also got swallowed by an amped-up Ubertoad.
Much later on the paty encountered a Scyllan. Dara got swallowed whole that time.
Cazial: (three critical hits peg the Scyllan at once through various orifices) Finally. I thought it would never %$&!* die!
DM: Spin' takes one more hit point as he slips out of the Scyllan's grasp and hits the deck with a heavy thud. At last you can hear the crew from below deck. The Captain is giving them a tounge-lashing they'll never forget.
Captain: Ye soiled the deck! Now ye'll mop it up, even if ye have to use your own clothes!
Dara: Eeeww. Glad I don't have laundry duty.
Spin': *sob*
Dara: What's wrong?
Spin': I wanted to get swallowed by that thing?
Dara: Okay, i already know you're insane, so I don;t need to ask that part... but why?
Spin': I wanted to see what would happen if I summoned a whale in it's gullet and then cast animal growth.
Cazial: *pats him on the back* We know you did, sweetie... we know you did...
Dara:
Bleagh. I've had enough of fish-guts.Cazial: *wrinles her nose* That you have, Squidsnack.
Thankfully that didn't last.
1. Fun With the Deck of Many Things
Because my players were unhappy with some multiclassing choices they'd taken, and they wanted to play with new options when we introduced the PHBII I started slow by introducing Raddo the gambler, a pirate wild-mage who invented a spell to keep the Deck of Many things from vanishing. He charges people 50gp a card to draw, or 200gp to draw while he uses his magic to influence the result.
Because I had a tarot deck handy, I let the trups stand in for the original cards just to make things more interesting.
DM: Your wait in line lasts over an hour. You watch the most bizarre things happen. A half orc goes in, and a stunned halfling wearing a burlap sack carrying a pile of the orc's gear comes out... A scrawny dock-slave wanders in and comes out a beefy warrior. You see one man goin in then come out again only to start smoking, much to his surprise, and then fall into a pile of ash.
Players:
DM: At long last you come to the endof the line and find yourself in a small sack. the mage is a ragged, scruffy man in clothign that would make a circus clown wince.
Raddo: So who's first and how many cards.
Cazial: I am. Hit me. Twice. [Cazial ends up droppng an unwanted fighter level and exchanging her Animal Compaion ability to a Planar Animal Companion feature from Planar Handbook.] Yes. Everything I wanted. no waiting. This guy should open a restaurant.
Dara: I guess i'm next. Two Please. [the first card gets her a monk level, in a land with no monks.] This could be amusing... *flips over the other card.*
DM: Theres a flash of light outside, and then a man in the uniform of the Customs Agency staggers in, out of breath.
Customs Agent: *Bows to Dara* I'm so sorry I'm late, My Lady. Her Majesty sends you her regards *shows her the royal seal* I am hear with your signet ring and deeds my lady. You are now officially a Baroness of the realm. May you bring many to your lands on the frontier and prosper. *Hands her a sheet of papers, looks around confused for a moment, then vanishes in a puff of smoke.*
Cazial: Curses!
Spin': Ooh! My Turn! I'll take... FOUR!
Dara:
Are you MAD?!Cazial: You keep asking him that. The answer is always "Yes!"
Spin': Gimme gimme gimme... [After what turns into a 14-card daw thanks to all of the non-applicable cards drawn spin gets some odd effects, including changing race, gaining the wereboar template, having his Wisdom ascend to a a lofty 25 and doing the skill shuffle.]
DM: Spinoozle suddle shudders and ripples, for a moment. When it subsides a halfling with a beatific look on his face stands where Spinoozle was, wearing Spin's clothing. Snarf [spin's companion] yelps and hides in the corner.
Spin': [re-rolls height goes from 3'2" to 3' even] *looks around* Curse it! I'm SHORT!
Later the players traveled to Mechanus to a place called the Cybernetic Fane to do a character re-write. Spinoozle is the first one in.
DM: So you;re going back to pure druid and gnome: no zooanthropy or anything.
Spin' (OOC): Well, I'd like to become a Forest Gnome. I'd thoguht about it when I made the character, but you weren't here so...
DM: Cool. Spinoozle steps into the chrome pod. Lights begin to flash and gears to turn. Smoke of many greasy, sickly colours pour out of the vents, and inside you can hear Spinoozle's anguished screaming. When it opens he staggers out looking far more like himself... only darker, smaller and... green... haired...
Spin': [finishes re-rolling height]
! I'm even SHORTER!Cazial: Cool, a pocket-druid.
3. Pig-Boy
During Spinoozle's breif run as a wearboar there was a lot of interesting questions raised, especially about what gear reasized and what gear didn't.
DM: The hulking goblin suddenly lets out a heart-wrenching howl... willpower saves... [all successful] and then twists and snaps as he grows into a horrid ogre-sized brute with silver fur, looking more like a worg than a goblin. He laughs at you.
Barghest: Now I feast on your souls!
Spin' (OOC): I want to change into my hybrid form!
DM: In response Spinoozle suddenly lets out a shriek that sounds hideously like a pig squaling. He contorts, limbs bulging. His crab-shell armour swells over him as he becomes a nightmarish blend of gnome and boar... You also hear a terrible ripping sound as all of the clothing under spinoozle's armour tears violently and balls up in his codpeice.
Spin': Eek!
Wedgie! (OOC): Am going to get penalties for that?DM: Tempting... but no...
Cazial: From Toadsnack to Pig-Boy. Congratulations.
After that they head back to town to (among other things) get some looser clothes for Spin'. unfortunately they get caught up in deciding where to go first.
Cazial: I'm telling you, we need to get to the Adventurer's guild first so we can get this identified and get those stupid taxes out of the way.
Spin': Tailor... please...
Dara: I really thing we ought to go to the Alchemist first, he's on the outskirts so we'll pass him anyway, and we have those blue toad skins to sell him.
Spin': *snarling* CAN WE MAKE UP OUR MINDS?! Some of us are naked under our crab-armour!
Cazial:
Not to mention chafing.Dara: ... that must really be uncomfortable.
Spin': My armour hurts me...
On their way to a set of ruins the party encountered a pair of very aggressive trolls.
Spin': They think they're bad do they?! I'll show them bad! *transforms into boar form*
Trolls: *Look at each other for a moment* BACON!!
4. The Shapeshifting Duel
Spin' is having a duel with another druid (and Master of Many Forms) wherein they each get to use each shape only once and fight until one or the other drops from exhaustion, runs out of shapes, or surrenders.
Spin': Now that I've got her close, I'll turn into a Dire bear. Got her now! *takes several swings does good damage but fails to grapple her in Frost Giant form*
DM: T'shana winks at you, then suddenly seems to vanish, unil you note the pixie hovering above your head mocking you.
Spin': I'll turn back into my original form and throw a spear at here. Come down here and fight like a druid!
DM: She uses her five-foot "step' to move a little forward, and then turns into a cow.
Spin': She WHAT?!
DM Into a Cow, and then falls from 20 feet onto you... it is a two-tonne form, we are talking some pretty mad damage here... not to mention that she has a chance of knocking you down. i'd call it a bull rush...
Cazial (OOC): *Groan*
Dara (OOC): please don't
DM: ... but I won't. *rolls dice* Okay you;ve taken 41 damage and you're on you butt in front of her.
Yuri: you know, I think that's the most dmaage you've ever taken.
Spin': meh... it was worth it.
5. The Bandits
Our heros are hunting the obligatory bandits in the woods. Once they locate them, the make themsleves invisible, then hit themselves with silence, and creep up. They open the attack with a glitterdust. All the bandits fail their saves.
Bandit closest the PCs: Arrgh! Ah
my eyes!Yuri: My turn? I'll shoot the one who talked! *rapid-shots him with his crossbow and gets double ciritcals on that bandit.*
Bandit:
my areteries!I may post more late.
You and your entire troupe of great players are hereby officially (well as official as I can get)
ROGUE-MAGE APPROVED!
Hilarity above and beyond what I have ever done! And a great cast to boot! Congratulations on being absolutely hilarious!
Larissa (DM's wife) level 2 druid - Fey bloodline
Bob - Larissa's Badger animal companion.
Braxxis - level 2 dragon shaman - Human
Jack - level 2 Samurai (yes... Samurai Jack) - Titan bloodline
Zarina - level 2 sorceress (myself) - human
We were in a fight with the "Droid Control Ship" of this particular module - a level 7 Wererat. We had failed to find the silver sheen that was on the diseased bodies and we neglected to spend weeks trying to forge some silver we had found into weapons before the fight - but then again at level 2 we weren't expecting to be facing a freakin wererat.
Anyway, it's darn near a TPK despite the fact that we had an extra animal companion ("Snarl") who was helping us. The shaman and I are down, and Jack just got knocked out. The animal companions are distracting the BBEG, when a bracer that has attached itself to my wrist at the beginning of the campaign suddenly restores me to full health and full spells (at the cost of 1 Constitution - a little Dues Ex Machina).
The were rat is almost dead, so I Sudden Maximize Burning Hands it - and the burning hands seems to have been empowered by the bracer. It kills the bad guy, and the animal companion (Snarl), while badly burning Bob the Badger.
It turns out that he was holding a druid hostage, and that the badger we found was his companion. He asked what happened to Snarl...
After a couple of hems and haws, I raise my hand sheepishly and say, "Uhm.. me, Friendly fire..."
The other druid adds, "But it's okay, see, she burnt Bob too."
I am the torcher of animal companions.
One of our warriors had a nasty habit of getting hacked and had lost 4 or 5 points and we were giving him a hard time until he quipped...
"Hey, the best characters don't die, they just loose Charisma" It became our code for years to come.
As you aproach the large wooden door, weapons drawn and loaded, prepared for what may be on the other side. you reach out, as your fingers clasp around the cool brass door knob, you gently twist it to the left... it falls off.
Goon_for_Hire
You and your entire troupe of great players are hereby officially (well as official as I can get)
ROGUE-MAGE APPROVED!
Hilarity above and beyond what I have ever done! And a great cast to boot! Congratulations on being absolutely hilarious!
I gotta get myself ranks in forgery here... I could make millions on forging that approval.
Morich, L1 Fighter - Cleric of Ilmater, though he has no actual ranks in cleric yet.
Aldren, L1 Sorcerer - A blind elven sorcerer who 'sees' via his familiar's empathic link.
Marcus, L1 Fighter - A farmboy turned fighter, wielding a scythe.
Darryl, L1 Rogue - A woman posing as a man and generally going about roguish activities.
Basically, we were walking along an overgrown path towards an abandoned mine when the blind sorcerer nearly fell into a hole. After making sure that Alden was fine, Marcus decided to lean down and look in the hole. The dire badger whose den we'd happened upon bit Marcus in the face.
Later during the session, Darryl was joking that his character was the only one actual fulfilling their role. My cleric was a fighter, and our sorcerer was blind.
"Well, Marcus is doing his job," I replied. "He was the first one into combat with that badger."
Goon_for_Hire
You and your entire troupe of great players are hereby officially (well as official as I can get)
ROGUE-MAGE APPROVED!
Thanks, Rickiel, coming from you that is a real honour. I've used your stories to inspire and amuse my players in many asides. I think we all see Raz as an inspiration!
And Now...
The following have happened over the course of my campaign... they are out of order, somewhat. Here is the pertinent cast.
Spinoozle: A gnomish druid (and sometimes wereboar.) Mischeivous and surpisingly treasure-happy for a gnome. A.k.a. Toadsnack.
Cazial: An elvish Ranger/Order of the Bow Initiate. On a mission to exterminate several hundred goblins to make up for her dead clan.
Dara: A human warlock/bard and daughter of a mighty Jarl on the run from an arranged marriage to a vile old man.
Snarflepuss: Or Snarf. Spinoozle's viscious riding-dog companion and party mascot.
6. A Sack Full of…
One of the major premises of my campaign is that the oppressive regime in control of the country has created an adventurer’s guild that taxes treasure and monitors adventurers for power level and loyalty. High-level adventurers who can be trusted are offered land on the “frontier” (sparsely populated land the Queen hasn’t officially conquered.) High level threats are eliminated.
As a consequence, adventurers are more unified than they were before. They are developing common slang, fashions, etc. A popular phrase in the guild is “More fun than a Sack full of Kobolds and a big stick.”
When the PCs first encountered that phrase:
Cazial: More fun than WHAT?
Dara: Is that particularly fun?
Spin’: Let’s go find out!
Later on they have actually slain a large group of kobolds and kept one alive for interrogation. They carry him around in a net bag. A bit later into the story they are asked to capture or kill a Puppeteer Fleshharrower (Expanded Psionic Handbook,) a nasty leech-monster.
Cazial: You know anything about these things?
Dara: *rolls a Jack of All trades roll in lieu of knowledge* Nope, not a thing.
Spin’: It’s some kind of Leech monster, right, let’s just fish for it.
Dara: Using what as bait?
Cazial: *slings the kobold to the ground* Looks like we’re going to find out how fun a sack full of kobolds really is.
Because of the particularly callous way in which Cazial ended said kobold’s life, it actually came back to haunt her. It was probably the most pathetic ghost on record. That being said, it was still a kobold, and thus tricky. Several times it showed up and used its frightful moan on the party to ruin their edge in battle. Other times it would mock them from a patch of hazardous terrain.
After One particularly obnoxious prank.
Cazial: I killed him once, I’ll kill him again! Hell, I kill him twice more… make him extra dead!
“Extra dead” has become a running gag in our group after that.
7. Breachharrow.
The party is in possession of two intelligent weapons: a dagger with a bunch of sight-related powers called Igouj and a starmetal longsword named Breachharrow. Among Breachharrow’s myriad abilities is that he can cast analyze portal, planar adaptation, and detect planar touchstone each three times per day. He also grants the ability to open planar portals using the Open Lock skill just like a Gatecrasher.
He also speaks like a stereotypical colonel for the British Raj. Whenever he’s drawn or used he makes a ruckus about it. Usually bellowing “Roight!” as he’s swung.
During a fight with an inevitable.
Cazial:
my arrows aren’t doing a thing!Dara: If we keep getting hit with these chain’s we’re done.
[The Inevitable disarms and trips Spinoozle]
Inevitable: I shall give you a chance to surrender now.
Cazial: Heck with this! (OOC): How does sunder work again? *draws Breachharrow*
Breachharrow: Roight! ‘sa bout time I got some action! *Cazial attempts a sunder and hacks off a spiked chain.*
Breachharrow: Tha’s the way it’s done! Damn the arrows! Charge in Ahead! Tally-ho!
[Dara hits it with a Baleful Utterance, Spinoozle gets hammered with trip attempts as he tries to stand, and is stepped on]
Inevitable: Arrogant chaotes, for that you shall be punished.
Cazial: Not today! *sunders other chain*
Breachharrow: Not so bloody tough without yer chains, are ya, Nance?!
Inevitable: I surrender!
Breachharrow: Tha’s right! Hands on yer head! We ought to do you… *Cazial sheaths the sword* mrmphrm mrmrl… blrg.
Cazial: I like this sword!
Later on Cazial started using Breachharrow far more frequently. She got so used to his lines she started stealing them.
Cazial: *Draws Breachharrow* Roight!
Breachharrow: Oi! I’m supposed to…
Cazial: Shut up and do your stuff.
Breachharrow: Roight!
After that Cazial bellowing “Roight!” has become shorthand for ‘I drop my longbow and draw Breachharrow.' She even does the accent.
8. Mad River
A recurring NPC in the campaign is Mad River, a young woman born with both a paladin’s calling and psionic abilities to see the future. Unfortunately being the daughter of a beggar and the town drunk, combined with an abysmal Int score has left her in a strange position. Noone has identified her calling, and she’s not been educated enough to even know what a paladin is, let alone understand the maddening prescient visions she has. It has left her a little whimsical in the brain pan.
Naturally the player decided to make her their personal charity case, giving her hand-me down equipment, minor magic items they don’t want, and eventually a job as the Castellan of their keep. I’ve had a lot of fun playing her as a violent, but lovable space cadet.
DM: As you approach yet another muddy stand of birch trees you hear a voice calling you.
Mad River: Ummm…. Hello?
Spin’ (OOC):
I’ll draw a spear and mount Snarf.Dara: Paranoia much?
Cazial (OOC): I’ll knock an arrow and creep into the edge of the trees.
Dara (OOC):
DM: You see a young woman hanging from a tree-snare in one of ths stronger trees. She wears a ragged, muddy dress, clenching her skirt between her knees. Her ragged blond hair hangs in tatty lovecraftian locks.
River: Oh, Hi! I don’t usually see people out here!
Cazial: Ummm… I’d imagine not. Are you okay?
River: Fine, well, a little dizzy. But that’s kind of fun.
Cazial: Been hanging there long?
River: A couple of days, maybe. I kinda’ lost track. Stupid Kobolds.
Spin’: Did she say kobolds?
Dara: Down, boy.
River: oh! A gnome! I haven’t seen any gnomes in awhile!
Spin’: Did you say you see gnomes out here? Do you know the way to their settlement?
River: Well, right now I’m seeing pink spots, but that’s ‘cause I’m really woozy… heh… “woozy.”
Cazial: Yup. She’s baked. Would you like to get us down?
River: Oh, would you? That’d be nice.
[they chop river down, after Spinoozle takes her club.]
Dara: Who are you?
River: Mine name’s River… hee… but people call me “Mad River.”
Cazial: I bet I can guess why.
Dara: Are you from Sor’s Keep.
River: uh-huh.
Spin’: You said there haven’t been gnomes out here in awhile?
Dara: Patience!
River: There used to a be a village *Spins around a bit and points a wobbling hand* that way. But it’s empty now. The faeries say that the men with the iron bull took them away. *Falls on her behind after all that sudden motion.*
Cazial:
…oooh-khay… Thank you river.River: No problem.
Dara: What are you doing all the way out here in the swamp?
River: I come out here all the time. Sometimes… you know… I get this feeling. Like I just want to hit something. SO I come out here and smash goblins and kobolds with my club.
Party:
River: They make a really great “Thwack!” if you hit them right.
Cazial:
Yes. Yes they do…Spin’: Ummm… do you ever feel like “thwacking” people in town?
River: Yeah… I sometimes want to hit Krall the Bull and his gang, and that Seamus the Muskrat *punchers her palm.* And Lady Tabitha, too. But my mum says I shouldn’t hit people… So I just thwack goblins instead. Can I have my club back?
Spin’: In a minute.
Dara: Well thank you, River, we’ll let you get back to your “thwacking.”
DM: Mad River hugs her club as you return it, and then starts teetering off into the marsh.
Dara: Well that was… interesting…
Cazial: I LIKE her!
Later on, they figure out that River is a paladin who doesn’t understand her calling. And decide to help her out by donating some of their low-value treasure.
Cazial: Hey, river. We’ve got a present for you!
River: Really? A Treat?!
Spin’: Umm… kind of.
Dara: Hey, River do you know what a paladin is?
River: Umm… isn’t that the person who punishes the bad kids at schools?
Dara:
…nevermind…Cazial: Here. *gives river a backpack, a battered and bloodstained suit of chainmail, a dented shield, and a longsword.*
River: Squee! *hugs the chainmail to her* This is the NICEST THING ANYONE EVER GAVE ME! I’ll wear it every day! It’s sooo pretty! *Puts on the accompanying helmet*
Cazial: …I- I’m glad you like it…
River: You guys are the BEST! *hugs everyone, cutting off circulation.* I’ve gotta go show my mum! *runs off*
Cazial: That’s so sweet… Is anyone else feeling depressed?
Darah: … yeah…
Some time later, they take Mad River with them to watch as the authorities capture the evil ranger Seamus the Muskrat based on their tip.
DM: The guards approach Seamus carrying halbers, save the commander, who has one hand on a sword, and a sap in his hand.
River: I wish I had some popcorn… or, ooh! Some nuts! Cashews!
DM: The guards stark speaking to Seamus earnestly as he steps off of his boat. You can’t quite make out what they are saying, but it doesn’t look good. The two grunts tighten their grip on their halberds.
River: Marshmallows! Marshmallows would be good! *to Cazial* do you like mashmallows?
Cazial: Er…
DM: Seams suddenly gets in the face of the officer. Grabbing his quilted armour in a balled up fist he leans in close and starts issuing threats. Whatever they are, they must be good, because one of the guards blanches and his halberd droops, while another makes a sign to ward off the evil eye.
River: Here comes the best part!
DM: Then the officer head-butts Seamus in the nose with the nasal and bridge of those redicuously big helmets of theirs. You can hear Seamus’ nose snap from here. He collapses on the ground and the guards proceed to “subdue” him with Joe Pesci kicking-action.
River: Whee! *claps furiously* You guys always take me to the best things!
DM: As the guards drag the bloodied and unconscious Seamus away, on of them notices Mad River clapping and takes a bow.
River: Great show! Thanks guys!
When visiting a village of pirates deep in the marsh, our heroes discuss the possibility of brining River along as a henchwoman.
Spin’: I mean we could sure use the extra healing. Besides, it’s crazy here… she’d fit right in.
Cazial: Hmmm…
Dara: Umm, guys. Pirates. She’d try and kill half the town’s population because they are evil. Then she’d smash up the other half because they are criminals and she likes the sound of battleaxe on pirate-head.
Cazial: Good point.
Spin’: Maybe later. You know… when we’ve
off everyone here.Cazial: Should take us a day or two.
Dara: Since when were you an optimist?
Having got to the point where a [i]+1 mithral chain shirt[i] is no longer a helpful item, the party decides to pay to outfit river with some better gear, so they take her to the blacksmith. When they find river she is wearing the most ridiculous hat ever: scaled for a giant, its brim goes well past her shoulders. It is bright purple, and looks like several tropical birds exploded on it thanks to the feathers.
River: Hi guys!
Cazial: River, that is an awesome hat!
River: Do you really like it?! I got it off a merchant who said it was one-of a kind!
Dara: No kidding!
Spin’:
Cazial: River we have some more presents for you. Including some new armour.
River: Yay!! *claps her hands like an excited little girl*
[Party gives her a +1 mithral shirt, an enchanted buckler, a flaming greatsword, and boots of the winterlands.]
DM: River immediately yaks off her old chainmail… you note that she is still wearing the same torn shift underneath it. Then she puts on the glittering chain shirt, which looks alarmingly like a babydoll on her. Breezes might be a problem.
Spin’:
Cazial: *elbows Spinoozle* Aaaand we’re taking you shopping!
Spin’: To the blacksmith!
Cazial: *elbows Spinoozle again*
Dara: No! To the TAILOR!
Cazial: THEN to the blacksmith!
Once at the blacksmith hey start talking about getting her set up with a helmet, a few repairs to her gear, and at least a dagger.
Cazial: You’re gonna want a helmet for that armour. I’m afraid we used the old one as a weapon.
River: Coool…
Cazial: Umm… yeah… so, helmet.
River: I dunno. I don’t like wearing helmets, they’ll interefere with my hat.
Cazial: And a lovely hat it is.
Spin’:
If you like-Dara: *elbows Spinoozle*
Cazial: Well what about a chain coif? It’ll fit under the hat… and you look FABULOUS!
River: Really? Yaaaay!
[After making some purchases, river puts the coif on under her hat, and does a pirouette.]
Cazial: Dahhhling. Simply Fab,,,
River: Woo! I’m the prettiest goblin thwacker around!
Dara: You know, River needs some magic items with special powers. Something really useful. Maybe some of our old wands.
Spin’: Her spell list is pretty limited, why not make a wondrous item. What spells do we have that would be useful to cast on River?
Dara: We could bless her, or maybe vigour.
River: Ooh!
Spin’: Nah, what else do you have.
Dara: Uhh… I have a wand of mount.
River: I dunno, does one mount one’s friends?
Party:
9. Very Groovy Boots
The Party is in a barfight in the pirate village…
DM: Spinoozle, you see a big guy from a nearby clump of Captain Tripp’s men turn to you. He wears steel-capped boots whose plates have been forged into the shap of human skulls. He sucks in his breath, fixes an eye on you, and then bellows at the top of his lungs:
Pirate: GNOME PUNT!!
Spin’: *in an identical voice* FAT CHANCE! Snarf! Package check!
DM: Roll Snarf’s attack. [Spinoozle rolls a critical] Faithful Snarflepuss lunges at the man and sinks his teeth deeply into his groin. The pirate lets out a squeak and collapses to his knees, just before snarf yanks him onto his back and begins to worry his loins, slinging the unconscious brute around like a rag doll.
Suddenly every pirate nearby gives you a wide berth. Eyes bugging out of their heads, as the pirate lays in a growing pool of his own blood.
Spin’: I’ll steal his boots.
Dara: They don’t even fit you.
Spin’: Doesn’t matter.
[a round later]
DM: Spin’, there’s noone in melee range. They all seem to be avoiding you and snarflepuss. You gather that you may have breached barfight etiquette a shade.
Dara: Better heal him.
Spin’: What? No! He was going to punt me with the boots of doom! Let him bleed. *sits down on the unconscious pirate, steals a drink, and enjoys the peace.*
Dara: Look at it this way, he is part of a fleet of what, tthree, four ships. He has to have hundreds of buddies. Right now we are winning, because they just want to punch and kick us…
Spin’: Fine! I’ll cast cure minor wounds on him. But I’m not giving him the boots back. I like my new knee-highs.
DM: Spin’, there’s noone in melee range. They all seem to be avoiding you and snarflepuss. You gather that you may have breached barfight etiquette a shade.
ROFL! "Package check"? I'm gonna have to remember that one.
"Lovecraftian locks"?
:D
Anyways, our monk and our fighter grapple him to the ground (kind of) and my dwarf cleric/fighter hits him in the back with a bolt of Implosion I had recently purchased.
He rolled a 1 on his save, so as he's imploding, my dwarf screams out- "THE POWER OF MORADIN COMPELLS YOU, YOU SON OF A B****!" ah i slay me
Altho I guess it's kind of a you-had-to-be-there type deal.
OT but Isaac Aasimov wrote the "I, Robot" series the film is based on in the 1940s. I'm pretty sure that predates the iPod.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I,_Robot
Look, man, I'm not sure if you read the series, but that movie is NOT based on it. It was in fact a compendium of short stories advocating a pro-science outlook in the face of what Aasimov viewed as an increasing level of irrational fear of science. He called this Frankenstein Complex.
His one rule was robots in his stories never went evil and started terrorizing the world.
Basically, the guys who made I, Robot took a fantastic series of stories and ideas, ripped the names of a few characters out, and then wiped their tails with the rest before flushing it down the toilet.
They are ass holes.
Incidentally the robots depicted in I, Robot aren't consistent with those described in Aasimov's books, although I think that the prop team and CG guys did a fairly good job updating the concept.
I think another legend has been born, a group equal with Raz and Snuggles in sheer awesomeness.
"Lovecraftian locks"?
:D
Rieckel and Goon, if you live anywhere within a travelling distance of one-another, you should really invite Raz to one of your games and do a 24 hour marathon!
Look, man, I'm not sure if you read the series, but that movie is NOT based on it. It was in fact a compendium of short stories advocating a pro-science outlook in the face of what Aasimov viewed as an increasing level of irrational fear of science. He called this Frankenstein Complex.
His one rule was robots in his stories never went evil and started terrorizing the world.
Basically, the guys who made I, Robot took a fantastic series of stories and ideas, ripped the names of a few characters out, and then wiped their tails with the rest before flushing it down the toilet.
They are ass holes.
Incidentally the robots depicted in I, Robot aren't consistent with those described in Aasimov's books, although I think that the prop team and CG guys did a fairly good job updating the concept.
Look man, I never made the assertion that the movie was an accurate depiction of of the stories. My interpretation of your previous post was that you were under the impression the title of the movie was a play on the term "I, Pod". As that appears not to be the case there is no issue.
My interpretation of your previous post was that you were under the impression the title of the movie was a play on the term "I, Pod".
My reference would be towards the minimalist design coupled with white paneling.
goon for hire: i like that british colonel sword of yours. could we get stats on him? i really like it.
You got it.
Breachharrow
+1 starmetal longsword
N Intelligent Item
Languages: Common
Hardness: 40 hp 13
Special Abilities: telepathy, grants gatecrasher Breach Gate class ability, 3/day- analyze portal, analyze touchstone, avoid planar effects
Abilities: Int 17 Wis 17 Cha 10 Ego 13
Market Price: 36,815gp
Gatecrashers are in Manual of the Planes, the spells are all from Planar Handbook, and Starmetal appears in the Complete Arcane.
Breachharrow is perfect for planehopping for mid-level characters, and he counds as adamantine for DR and sundering.
To make him useful later on, he is also inscribed with the incantations necessary to become a Green Star Adept (Complete Arcane), and as he weighs 4 pounds, could be cannibalized to meet class requirements. My player's don't have the heart to sacrifice him.
My players refer to these kinds of characters in my campaigns the "five-book shuffle." I've been known to use up to five manuals to build one NPC. Which reminds me of another good one:
It Happens to Every DM Eventually
Cazial spots a snow goblin sneaking about the pirate town. Seeing as how she was in a kill-all-goblins-in-sight sight kind of thing, combat was inevitable.
In fact, I was relying on it. This snow goblin was meant to be the perfect foe in a winter wonderland. I had terrain planned out to make him even nastier. I had feets from Complete Warrior and PHBII, race and weaponry from Frostburn, and levels in Scout and fighter. He could throw axes and sunder or trip with them, distract foes with snowballs, and disappear into a snowy environment with a +24, and left no prints. And the skirmish damage... oh the glorious skirmish damage. I spent two hours hammering the goblin of doom out. As I have had with many villains...
And he met the same fate.
Cazial (OOC): I'm going to sneak up behind him and point my arrow directly between the skull and his first vertebra. *Rolls dice.* Ugh! natural one, that makes it a ten with all my modifiers.
[I roll the dice and roll an nat. 1 gives me nine. Blast!]
Cazial: So much as breathe wrong and I will end you.
DM: The goblin's taught muscles flow into action at amazzing speeds! This one is fast, faster than any goblin you've ever seen before, he starts to whirl, axes springing into his hands! Initiative.
[The goblin has a +11 init modifier, yet I roll a 3 for a total of 14]
Cazial (OOC): Seventeen! Ha! Ranged Precision shot to the back of the neck. *rattles the dice* and Critical! For 53 damage!
[the goblin had 44 hp, and fails his fortitude save]
DM: You release an arrow intop the goblin's spinal chord, before he gets halfway through his pirouette his body goes entirely limp and flops to the ground, his head twisting at a sickening angle, telling you the spine has been completely severed.
Cazial (OOC): Oh wait... that was one of your three-hours-to-make villains we keep killing in two rounds or less wasn't it?
DM: ... yes...
Cazial (OOC): Well if you like I can just do normal damage. I don't need the critical...
DM: No, no...
Cazial (OOC): I'm serious. We can do this one over. I'm sure he'd've kicked our
from here to the Abyss if we hadn;t got the drop on them.DM: It's okay.
Cazial (OOC): Are you sure? I promise not to take out the next one so fast...
DM: No worries.
Cazial: More coffee?
DM: Yes. Black.
Party Cleric: No they don't, they need your brains.
Gnome Pecker - You orc scum, are you trying to rip of good ol' Dorio. I should have you hung by your balls!
MeatHook - *Grunt* Would you just give me my gold for this damn armor!
Dorio - NO! I shouldn't give you jack, get outta my shop.
Meathook goes and grapples the gnome.
Gaurd - what are you doing orc?
I forgot about the guard
Meathook - Im going to ***** **** him!
Guard - ... carry on.
Later our Bard wrote the Ballad of MeatHook, The Gnome Raper
now i wanna see an epic adventure with Dip, my lying-through-the-teeth Gnomish Beguiler, Spin/Snarf, and Raz.
i'm sure we could steal a castle, then sell it back to the king, for a profit.
or, perhaps, steal the king, and sell HIM back to the castle.
namaste'
the hamster
(btw, keep em coming, i'm loving the stories!)
Originally Posted by psionichamster
now i wanna see an epic adventure with Dip, my lying-through-the-teeth Gnomish Beguiler, Spin/Snarf, and Raz.
Oh no...nononono...please tell me thouest did not just say that!
Now I actually have a bloody use for the 3 hours worth of epicification work I put into a 'conceptual' Raz!
Granted, at the time I had just finished up some writing and was bored...and I sadly admit that the raw numbercrunching was fun in a dorky kinda way.
Oh man, the things I do when I haven't gotten to play Raz in over a month :
Though I admit, without considering equipment (still haven't made any equipment for epicified Raz) the possibility of stealing an entire castle and selling it back to the king (or vice versa) does sound...rogue-mage approving...:evillaugh
hm...goon, black is the only way to go, with regards to coffee.
now i wanna see an epic adventure with Dip, my lying-through-the-teeth Gnomish Beguiler, Spin/Snarf, and Raz.
Dear gods, don;t give Spin's player any ideas!
The convo occurred after my friend shubert helped me access a very bugged up program on my computer:
------------------------------------------------------
Shaun says:
you get a +1 bane vs. USA barbed net
Shubert says:
I attack the USA!
Shaun says:
roll to hit!
Shubert says:
8...
plus...
umm...
I'm not sure actually.
Shaun says:
you hit! (USA is Collassal++++++ and has 0 Dex.)
Shubert says:
and apparently my reach is insane.
Shaun says:
roll damage (dont forget the extra 2d6 vs USA)
Shubert says:
what do I roll in the first place?
Shaun says:
nets dont do damage... so the 2d6 then a grapple
Shubert says:
8!
Shaun says:
8 damage?
Shubert says:
5 and 3
Shaun says:
alright! and the grapple check?
Shubert says:
I rolled a one...
plus 9!
Shaun says:
you have +9 to grapple???
Shaun says:
...wow.
Shubert says:
BAB +6. str +3, what can I say?
do I... do I grapple the united states of america?
Shaun says:
actually!....
no. the US rolls about 200 on its grapple. purely due to size, nuclear weapons, and a huge ego bonus
Shubert says:
the US is an intelligent weapon?
what's it's ego bonus?
Shaun says:
I wouldn't exactly say "intelligent." oh and the ego bonus is a million.
goon for hire: i like that british colonel sword of yours. could we get stats on him? i really like it.
I'm sorry, but being English I can assure you that "Roight!" is a lower class accented word that would never pass the lips of any commissioned officer in the British Army. This sword is a sergeant, sergeant-major or tops a company-sergeant-major.
Watch an old copy of the film "Zulu" if you don't believe me.
for those silly americans who don't quite understand everything i said:
pond- slang for the atlantic ocean
concept- idea that may be enacted
character(1)- a person, individual
character(2)- one of the attributes or features that make up and distinguish an individual
So everyone should always remain like Switzerland...small and neutral untill they decide to lash out and control the planet with one gigantic army of Fluffy the Cats and Pyrokinetics
:heehee That is officially the funniest position on neutrality that I've ever read! With your permission, it's going in my sig.
DM: "You can feel her acidic breath melt some of your cloak. Just before you are devoured, you hear a very familiar grunt, closing in fast!"
Me: What the...
DM: "Gurik rushes into the room, covered with blood and arrows. He slams against the dragon, sending her into a wall, causing her to drop you in the process!"
Me (ooc): "Wait a minute... we got in as the hobgoblins were retreating into the temple. Gurik blindly charged into a mass of some 3000 gnolls armed to the teeth! And if I'm not mistaken, he was still wearing a disguise, so the gnolls must've attacked him!"
DM: "So? What's your point?"
Me (ooc): "Gurik singlehandedly annihilated a gnollish army?"
DM: "You guys were severely handicapped."
Me (ooc): "How on earth did he survive?"
DM: "Actually, he died about 400 hit points ago. He just doesn't realize it yet."
-Intermission for next funny line-
Earlier, while infiltrating the castle, levitation spells were used to circumvent climbing the walls.
DM: "And with the aid of the levitation spells, you reach the battlements."
PC (ooc): "Mmmmm.... battlemints."
p.s. i am american (sad and uneducated to say) and also believe that we're all equally silly. we're all just silly in different ways. for example: i'm silly in that i sometimes am unneccissarily insensitive (this board is for dnd so don't ask what neccissarily insensitvie would be). i can be very brash with my words. some people are silly in that they take their own race/nation/people group/religion/etc. entirely too seriously ('there must be merriment, but of the kind shared between people who have first taken eachother absolutely seriously' -c.s. lewis). there are other silly people who believe it is their duty to stand up for people of another race/nation/etc./etc./etc., who happened to think that the joke 'against them' was funny in the first place (i.e. a boss i used to have). really, dnd as a whole is very silly because it gives many of us (myself especially above many, though not all, others) a placebo against really doing anything heroic.
here's to silliness!DM: ok it's your go Henry what do you do?
Henry: I click my teeth and scream as high as i can for 6 seconds
DM: And?
Henry: Thats it.
DM: OK, the purple worm confused and horrified turns tail and runs vowing not to eat a dwarf for at least a week.
Also at the beginning of a game a while back we were introducing ourselves to the rest of the party.
Halfling paladin: I'm Tidia Strongheart
Me: Your name is Tidia? thats to long to remember so I'm calling to tiddlywinks from now on
Halfling: But thats lo...
Me: Whats that tiddly?
We still call him tiddly as if it's his name to this day, also in our current game he had a bard named tristran as his cohort who I called tiddly when i wasn't trying to kill him
In my first game my friend was a wizard named Kael who actually turned out to be awesome with low level spells, he got a our wagon driver burnt at the stake because he dyed the drivers hair to display obsenities and dark symbols with a curse. anyway once again when he was describing his character and said the name the conversation went a little like this.
Brian: My name is kael
Me: Kale? like the vegetable?
Brian: No K A E L
Me: You named your character after superman? Ok i'm not calling you that i'm going to call you lettuce until you change that
Brian: I'll kill you
I'm pretty sure he did end up killing me/getting a mob of people to kill me after about a month of calling him lettuce.
They rolled really, really low on my saves against Dominate.
And consistant critical hits on my allies.
An EL 4 party, after a minute game-time of combat, had done eight damage to a CR 5 vampire *spawn*. And that was by using our one necklace of fireballs bead.
*After the seventh failed dominate in a row, taking a bite out of the rogue*
Me (Halfling Druid, Shapeshifter variant): So, should I stop adding the bonus for this action being 'against my nature' to these will saves? I think I'm getting to like her taste.
This disn't happen to me personally, my last DM told it to me.
DM - OK, you guys enter the room and see a large gash in the floor that goes from one wall to the other, there is a thin walkway that stretches out across the chasm...
After some discussion, the 4 PCs decide to balance their way across.
Ranger - Yes!
Cleric -
DM -
Cleric- Yes!
Rogue - I cartwheel across! Wheeee!
Wizard -
DM -
(Loved PC Death, loved it I say!)Wizard - S***!
DM - You tumble down the rocky incline take 4d6 damage.
This left the wizard at 0 hp exactly.
Wizard - Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!
Rogue - <
begins climbing down with a potion of CLW>Wizard - OOC: Hey, what about my Alchemist's Fire? I had like 5 of them.
Rest of Party: <
>DM to rogue -
As you descend you see the wizard's battered body dissapear in a tremendous explosion that leaves a small pile of ash where your companion once lay.Wizard -
Rogue - Sweet! I take out my empty flask and put some ash in it!
DM - What? Why?
Rogue - Now I have a flask 'o' [Wizard's name]! :D
He proceded to write it on his character sheet and had it until the campaign ended...
Ok, the group was coming up on the great cave wich was, undoubtly, holding a dragon (Grey, a variant of Black and White, don´t know how but the Dm told us ealier, it´s been 8-9 years)
The last thing my character ever said, as he came up to the entrance was:
"Oh, neat the entrance looks like a Dragons mouth"
And then I told the Dm:
"I enter".
Lol, that reminds me of my dad. Once he was gaming and the DM told him: "The cave looks like it has pointy teeth" instinctivly my dad threw a Fireball.... it was not a monster, and he killed half the party.
Would of worked in your case though:D
could you have been involved in that some how or do you believe that this story may have already appeared somewhere in the almost 3000 posts and 300,000 views?
Probably the latter methinks, or it could just be that my brain was processing information faster than my conscious mind could percieve it, of course :P
Or could Fluffy the cat have multiclassed into a Psion and made you THINK you've read it before..hmm...damn those Switzerland Scientist and their Neutral Armys of Evil!
"Captain Jack Crouseau eventually tired of a life of piracy, and retired to open a tavern - Cappy Jack's. His rivals always seemed to be plagued by bad luck. Cappy Jack always could curse like a sailor."
I'd like to point out that taking the feats Extend Curse and Curse of Ignorance would allow a hexblade to put full-day curses that affected two skills - like Profession: Culinary Arts or Brewing or Waitressing. Boy, do I miss ol' Captain Jack Crouseau.
Cazial: An Elvish Ranger/Order of the Bow Initiate... still trying (unsuccessfully) to cope with feelings of bloosdlust and vengreance.
Dara: A Human Warlock... On the lam from her aristocratic father and an arranged marriage to a madman.
Spinoozle: A Gnome Druid... more interested in treasure than harmonious living.
Yuri the Bow: A Halfling Fighter/Rogue... deadliest midget ever to weild a crossbow.
Breachharoow: An intelligent stametal sword who talks like a Monty Python character.
10. Mulwyn
I have a lot of crossover in my games. Villains, certain magic items, and the like from one campaign often show up later on. My players have found the ancient tombs of previous characters, bought ale brewed by a company owned by a major DMPC from a previous campaign, run into old characters in Bars. Once one of my players found an ancient bronze goblet depicting the climactic fight of a campaign from years ago. They love this stuff.
This time the anachronism was over the top. In a past campaign I harrowed my players with Mulwyn the Magnificent, an obnoxious little fellow who claimed to be "The Greatest Halfling Wizard Ever Born!" In fact he was a lowdown thief who stole the spellbooks of lower-level wizards, copied the spells he wanted, then used a home-brew transmutation to recycle their spellbook ink to save him some time. Mulwyn met a fitting end while he was swooping down on the PCs of that campaign in the form of a hawk. The party's bard successfully hit him with hold person and tossed him in a nearby cesspit, where he sank into the raw sewage and was never seen again.
Until my current party went to Carceri... I figured that while Mulwyn was a petty, thieving, lying, munchkin, so if they were going to run into any villainous soul there, it would be him, and that he was almost too high level to become a mere petitioner. I decided he was now a harbinger of some deranged god, and thus free to meander the halls and deserts of Minethys in the meantime. He also gave me the perfect opportunity to strip the players of some excess treasure.
DM: While the rest of you trance Yuri offers to take the watch. (Yuri's player wasn't there.) When you wake up, however, you find that Yuri is missing, and there is paint on the wall saying "Mulwyn the Wicked was here!"
Cazial: Who's Mulwyn?
Dara: *makes a really good knowledge check* Mulwyn the Wicked was a halfling wizard, thief, and extortionist. He died when the bard Rhiannon of Scharin tossed him into a midden while he was paralysed. (OOC): And I'm darned proud of it, the little
!Spin': What is missing in our gear?
DM: All of your coins, and the Goblin King's rod of lordly might.
Cazial: Argh! It just doesn't pay to save! I needed that coin for a better bow!
Spin': Don't worry we'll get it back!
Cazial: When we catch him, I'm going to beat him to death... with his own feet!
Spin': We'll get underway ASAP.
Cazial: Damn straight... I'll start looking for tracks.
Spin': Oh, I guess we'd better find out what happened to Yuri.
DM: Your concern for your party mate is underwhelming. [Search checks are made.] After a little while you manage to spot a very confused-looking brown lizard hanging off the wall.
Dara: Yuri? Is that you?
DM: It doesn't respond.
Spin': That means his mind must have been transformed, too. *casts speak with animals. Yuri is that you?
Lizard: Hunh?
Spin': Have you always been a lizard?
[b]Lizard: Ummm... that's kind of a strange question, isn't it?
[b]Spin': Do you remember me at all?
[b]Lizard: Yeah... you were sleeping over there a minute ago...
Spin': I mean before that. How long have you been here?
Lizard: I'm not sure I'm ready to talk philosophy...
Spin': Stupid spell! At least it talks like Yuri. Let's put it in the portable hole.
True to her word, Cazial carried out a grisly punishment when they caught up with Mulwyn. Unfortunately the loot was already gone.
DM: You arrow catches Mulwyn in the upper chest. He makes a horrible rattling noise and then collapses, his chest heaving , and pink foamy blood appearing at the corners of his mouth.
Dara: Ooh... lung poppage.
Cazial: Okay, I am going to walk up to him.
DM: Mulwyn is still conscious. As you approach he attempts to perform one last spell, *rolls abysmal concentration check,* but he cant speak well enough to get it off. He lapses into unconsciousness.
Cazial: Roight! I'm drawing Breachharrow.
Breachharow: Roight then, whot's this? Got a head to claim?
Cazial: Not a head, no... (OOC): I'm going to sunder his ankles.
DM: Okay, a halfling's ankles shouldn't be hard to sunder with starmetal. Roll damage.
Cazial: *rolls dice and develops an evil look on her face* Three!
DM: So he lives through it.
Cazial (OOC): Good, is there a bag around?
[b]DM: He has a cloak on.
Cazial (OOC): I'll wrap the feet in the bag and then... COUP DE GRACE! d3 plus strength?
DM: Sure.
Cazial (OOC): Hah! 4 damage! [Mulwyn dies on the saving throw.] (IC): I said I was going to do it and I did it punk! Say hello to oblivion! *Dances gleefully*
Dara: You know that's almost a better death than last time... I see you're still working on those anger issues.
Cazial: Yeah... I'm backsliding a bit... I'll have to make up for this when we get back to the monastery.
11. One-Liners, Witty Retorts, and Being Tongue Tied
Yuri's player is notorious for sliding in and out of metagaming states. He often acts out of the oddest player preferences. At other times he can be the most incredible role-player. Here is an instance where there is a little of both. When meeting a pack of Hound Archons (the player's favourite creature.)
Yuri: Hound Archons! It's a pleasure! *thursts out his hand* I'd like to shake your hands!
Cazial: Cripes, it's not like he's Elvis!
Yuri: Who?
(At least we hope he's role playing)
Spinoozle is octopus happy. Because they have a land-speed he will summon them in the oddest of places.
Spin': I'll summon a giant octopus behind us!
Dara: It's a hot sandy cave in the middle of a desert!
Cazial: What the
is wrong with you?!Spin': Hey, it's got a LAND SPEED!
The pirate village the PCs have been using as a base of operations has a mysterious old fortune-teller at the edge of it that hired the PCs to retrieve a medallion. They've learned all too late she is evil and is intentionally trying to cause a massive goblin settlement to wipe out the pirates.
Dara (OOC): I'm going to reach out and touch her... see if she under some kind of illusion.
DM: The stately old Fjordan woman before you ripples and blurs, Underneath the old woman is a scrawny, emaciated woman-like creature with wary green skin and hair like tangled vines.
Dara: Hag!
Hag: *looking and sounding insulted* B----! *smashes Dara across the temple, stunning her*
Cazial: B----! *shoots the hag*
Hag: *looks down at the wound incredulously* C---!
When you're not paying attention to what you're saying...
Spin (OOC): ...I suppose you could make them lose their weapons by casting open/close in their belt buckle...
DM: Seriously... I should import some spells from the Valar Project. They've got a great spell called disrobe that makes all clothing, armour, and jewellery fall of the target.
Cazial (OOC): That seems excessive.
DM: True, but it's a great way of dealing with a high level fighter. *mimes casting a spell* clang!
Cazial (OOC): *Mimes trying to cover up after losing her clothes.*
Dara (OOC): Hah! Where's your magic sword now?!
Everyone else:
Dara (OOC): What... Oh!
I didn't mean that! I meant if he had a sword... on his belt... you know... Cazial (OOC): Yeah... sure.
Dara (OOC): Get your mind up into the gutter!
Spinoozle on his Many Faces power:
Spin': I mean, wouldn't it be fun if I just started changing shape as we travelled around? Look I'm a goblin! Look I'm a Troglodyte! Look I'm a Mermaid! Look I'm an elf!
Cazial: Look! I'm a
off elf! *thwack!*On Armour:
Spin': I could always go out and fight some monstrous crabs to make new chitin armour in a pinch...
Cazial: ...And a pinch it would be... Ouch!
Dara's player and I are both Atlantic Canadians. We tend to use outmoded English and slang that went out of fashion everywhere else in the 1950's. A phrase we both use excessively is []i"About as useful as a bag of rubber hammers."[/i]
Dara (OOC ...not even actually playing): Ugh. Two duties, no preps... today is going to be more fun than a bag of rubber kobolds...
DM:
Now there was a collision I never thought I'd hear...Dara (OOC): ...and a big stick... :D See I'm already
in the head.DM: Are those animate rubber kobolds or just, you know, really strange dolls?
...I think my players are going to have to fight animated rubber Kobolds now...
After fighting a ten-headed terror:
Spin' (OOC): Hey did that thing have any spaces on it where it could wear things?
Cazial (OOC):
What? It was just a bunch of wings and heads without ears...Spin' (OOC): I dunno, hats maybe. Remember the Odopi had all those gloves and bracelets..
Yuri (OOC): Tongue rings?
Cazial (OOC):
Yeah, you can go get those yourself...Sundering an ancient evil altar:
DM: Well there's still the issue of the ancient altar that creates death knights to deal with...
Dara: Do we want to bother with that at all?
Cazial: Personally I just want to get out of Carceri.
Spin': Well it does make undead... you can't get more unnatural than that. I'm all for trying to break it.
Cazial: Sounds like a job for Breachharrow. Roight!
Breachharrow: Well then! Let's have at it!
DM: You drive Breachharrow through the heart of the altar, splitting it dow the middle. Immediately your ears pop as a wave of tingling energy flies out from it. You can feel your spells suddenly deactivate, and your Heward's haversacks suddenly start weight the few hundred pounds they should, forcing you to your knees as they erupt treasure. Your portable hole pops out of the folds of you clothes and starts spewing objects and furniture. The surprised-looking lizard tumbles through the air and turns back into Yuri in mid-flight...
...A few seconds later all returns to normal, your magical objects reactivate, and the world sorts itself out. The altar is cracked and oozing blood all over the floor. You sense it's aura beginning to fade.
Breachharrow: No thank you mother... No dinner for me... I think I shall go to bed early tonight... *groans*
My paladin was fighting a mindflayer, and thanks to a critical hit smite attack, the poor brain-eater was almost dead. My DM had a plan for him to escape, though, without provoking attacks of opportunity...
DM: The illithid runs over and hits his chair.
Me: Aha! foolish mistake! I get an attack of opportunity!
DM: No, you don't.
Me: Why not?
DM: Spring attack. You can't strike him because he's making an attack action.
Me:...On a chair.
DM: Yup.
Wovelrine's dices:20, 20, 20, 20...
Our dices:5, 8, 6, 7,6....
Never had so much bad luck.
Me: Aha! foolish mistake! I get an attack of opportunity!
DM: No, you don't.
Me: Why not?
DM: Spring attack. You can't strike him because he's making an attack action.
Me:...On a chair.
DM: Yup.
Ummm, your DM is wrong. Spring Attack allows Attacks of opportunity from everyone else except the TARGET. You could have attacked it.
Now that being said the DM should have just had the Flayer diasappear in a puff of smoke and said that it was a contingency spell and been done with it.
Kor
We had just started a new game and had just waked up all restored from a day of goblin killing when we were all slaughtered... By a wolverine.
Wovelrine's dices:20, 20, 20, 20...
Our dices:5, 8, 6, 7,6....
Never had so much bad luck.
That's 'cos he's the best there is at what he does!
We have this habbit of gettin sidetracked while gaming and losing track of the game. We have a almost new player, hes played like 3 times before this.
DM: And he says in a godly voice....
Random Player A (cant member who said it): Look at that cat it has 3 b***holes....
New Player (also in a godly voice): OFF TOPIC
we laffed for a good hour.... as i said we get distracted easy
That's 'cos he's the best there is at what he does!
OMG i love wolverine.
That's 'cos he's the best there is at what he does!
And TPK-ing isn't very nice.
I do _not_ want to know how exactly you train an animal companion to do a groin grapple on command.
After a torch is put out by seeping water over their heads in a cavern,
Barbarian....give me another torch.
Everyone else.........what torch?
.....arguing.........
Fighters.....shhhhhhhh, did you hear that?
Dragon....."Blows Fire just missing them"
......Torch lights........
Rogue.....RUN!!!!!!!!!!
"Package Check"?
I do _not_ want to know how exactly you train an animal companion to do a groin grapple on command.
LOL!!!!!
Wizard - Yeah, so I broke out of my cell, was confronted by an Ordinator (think Psionic-Paladin). So I talked to her, and eventually was able to mask my spell casting enough to sneak out past her.
Monk/Ranger - I broke out of my cell and escaped without being seen by anyone, then I ran into a member of the Order of the Feral Claw (a group of lycanthropic Paladins) and agreed to help him hunt down some bandits.
Soulknife NPC - I broke out of my cell and joined all of you, when you all refused to kill our captors, I killed all of you and made my escape. I felt bad though, and I didn't kill any of our captors as I left.
We are all stunned and sit in silence for a minute or two.
My Psicrystal - Tell them what we did!
Wizard - Yeah, what did you do?
Me (Psionic Assassin) - I tried to subdue the Paladin guarding my gear and make my escape, but he didn't go down with one hit, so I shot him in the back with a crystal shard. The last thing I remember before my vision went black was seeing his heart fly through the front of his chest and get pinned to the wall by my crystal shard. Coolest thing ever!
Monk/Ranger - And to think we argued that you weren't really all that bad.
After every member of my party has been put through mental tests to determine whether we were good or not (we didn't know the tests we all in our head when we did them), we started swapping stories of what we experienced. Two of the characters were dubbed good, the testers decided our NPC walked the knife's edge between good and evil, and my character was declared full blown evil and almost didn't get released.
Wizard - Yeah, so I broke out of my cell, was confronted by an Ordinator (think Psionic-Paladin). So I talked to her, and eventually was able to mask my spell casting enough to sneak out past her.
Monk/Ranger - I broke out of my cell and escaped without being seen by anyone, then I ran into a member of the Order of the Feral Claw (a group of lycanthropic Paladins) and agreed to help him hunt down some bandits.
Soulknife NPC - I broke out of my cell and joined all of you, when you all refused to kill our captors, I killed all of you and made my escape. I felt bad though, and I didn't kill any of our captors as I left.
We are all stunned and sit in silence for a minute or two.
My Psicrystal - Tell them what we did!
Wizard - Yeah, what did you do?
Me (Psionic Assassin) - I tried to subdue the Paladin guarding my gear and make my escape, but he didn't go down with one hit, so I shot him in the back with a crystal shard. The last thing I remember before my vision went black was seeing his heart fly through the front of his chest and get pinned to the wall by my crystal shard. Coolest thing ever!
Monk/Ranger - And to think we argued that you weren't really all that bad.
I think the Soulknife did a lot worse.
I just flat out killed a Paladin because I wanted my stuff back.
Eh, to me there's a big separation between necessity and alignment
i agree and this ties back into the whole kill a baby to save the world thing.
(Rolls)
Artificer: 21
Hexblade: 19
DM: You both hear violin strings snapping.
Me: And a little girl crying.
DM: And a little girl crying.
Me: Open doors with my head will you? I push his unconcious body into the magma.
DM: OK, he dies. Now what?
Me: I take out a violin and play it. *rolls* 32.
DM: It would have been nice, but the heat breaks the strings.
Me:
Me: So, I have an epic level toughguy guarding the door, several huge skeletons following me, boulders rolling down the hall once every minute or so, and a bracelet that eminates evil that even I can dedect. And I only have one mage level, and 6 levels total... I put on the bracelet.
DM: You are now possessed by the artifact. You should have known better.
Me: Considering the setting, I'm guessing this thing is a bracelet of Hel. Is that who I meet?
DM: No, just a high preistess.
Me: I roll for seduction. :D Horay for houserule feats!
DM: You pass. Fine, since she's you know, possessing you, you stand in the corner of the pyramid and touch yourself for a while.
Me:
Paladin: I roll seduction on the ghost
Me: Dude, that thing con drained that guy with her ugliness. Are you sure you should do that?
P: Yup.
DM: Make fort saves every round.
Group at level 7...: The dragon's escaping! After it!
(Young adult dragon, 4 members... DM was not happy...)Me: Do you realize that it not only took the end of the world for me to get with a named character, but it also required me being that last guy on earth? Go figure.
Apparently killing your possibly evil companions and not hurting any of the lawful good guards was looked on as better than slaughtering a 4th level Paladin (I was ECL 18 at this point). I tried arguing my side, but everyone was against me.
Shoulda mentioned that they were LG, and the soulknife initially wanted to kill the captors, too...so he murdered you guys when you didn't follow his plan.
My group was short a couple of people the other day, so two of my players made level 7 characters and tried to take it on. They insisted it was too difficult, and made me make a level 7 NPC Ally Cleric of Heironious. So we took on the first encounter. It was pretty harsh, but we pulled through.
We then moved on to the town of Drellin's Ferry. Right when we made it into town, the ninja made a comment:
Ninja: "Ya know, I'm glad I'm not a holy man or anything, or I would have had to bury all of those bodies back there."
My Cleric stopped walking. Paused for a second. Slapped himself on the forehead, said "Son of a..." and marched back to bury the bodies.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Also of note, later on in the woods when it got dark and we made it to Jorr's cabin, I was using a rock with the Light spell cast upon it to see by. After meeting with Jorr, he invited us in with the following line:
"You boys look tired. Put out that rock and come on in."
Was probably funnier if you were there.
Anyway, this is the group.
Me, a Mohrg using the monster class in Libris Mortis
A friend playing a dread necromancer
And another friend as an elf rogue.
Anyway, We're at the pub, we're hidden, when suddenly a bard drops dead.
R: I take his stuff, screaming "MY UNCLE! HE'S DEAD!"
DM: You're aware he's human.
R: Yes.
Me: And that you're an elf.
R: Yes.
DN: And there's absolutely no possible way that he can be related to you.
R: Well maybe he's my mother's brother?
Me: You're an elf! If you wanted to be a half elf, that could have made sense! But you're an effing elf! Not only that, but you're twice his age!
DM: If he rolled on his bluff check...
Me: What's to roll? HE'S A F**ING ELF!
R:... I got a 16 on my bluff.
Me: I pick him up from his ears and start screaming "Can't anyone see this man is an elf?"
R: So you would describe me as part man part elf?
The game became another two hours of argument about genetics, elven and half elven ear sizes, differences in sizes, how dense you have to be to actually believe that, generally how advanced the world was in the middle ages, even with magic, about genetics, and I'm pretty sure a philosophical debate (arguing whether the gods in the D&D world permitted evolution), and was followed by a battle with a guard(I kept getting 6s. And then when I finally hit him I killed him. People who take 15 damage from me are such saps. They deserve it.)
In that game, I was in a trial, and I called my lawyer(the dread necromancer) who, in his stupidity, decided to attack the people bringing him. Me and him wormed out of it in the end.
Lyinginbedmon, that was the weirdest mental image I've ever gotten from reading someone's posts because I for some reason pictured Godzilla and Mrs Godzilla in bed then Mecha-Godzilla stepping into the picture
HAHAHAHA WHAT?!
So a brief run down
Half Elfs=Godzilla
Artificer=Mecha Godzilla
People want to come to my parties? :invasion: Its called being awake for.......16 hours, with 3 hours of sleep, and lots of Fruit by the Foots and Planning to kill your Players and your party at the same time in two seperate instances...It takes great skill to cause such a destruction you not only kill your group but also kill the group you DM for at the same time..I mean kill the Players Character's not the Players..:fight!: !I'm playing a Diopsid (intelligent, human-size bug that walks on its back two legs). We go to convince a community of elves to help us hold off an invading hobgoblin army. The elves give us a ride on their giant owls at one point, which my character really liked. So when we meet the elf queen, this is the exchange...
Me: So will you sell me one of these owls?
Elf Queen: Would you sell us one of your family members?
Me: I'm a bug so... yeah.
Elg Queen: (rolls eyes) Well, would you sell us your lung?
Me: I'm a bug. I don't have lungs.
Elf queen: Not for sale.
ap
My Rogue/ Sorceror is posing as a prostitute attempting to get information about a local thug from a Bard in his employ.
Rogue: So, what did you think of my singing voice?
Bard: You use your mouth quite well.
Rogue: Well, in my line of work that's to be expected.
Bard: Oh? And just what do you do exactly?
Rogue: Pretty much what you do. I entertain the masses.
Don't worry, the Book of Erotic Fantasy is off-limits in this campaign.
Here's one from a recent single-player, 14 rooms-to-get-out, random-dungeon my bro DMed...The Ditch of Horrors. Much like it's cousin but less scary and shorter.
My character is a LG homebrew frogfolk 1st level knight (think Crono Trigger) named Sir Galahad Toadmire. He has next to no equipment except his bastard sword, his leather armor, a backpack, 1 torch, and flint and steel. His most outstanding ability score is a 6 in Wis, the others are around 14.
Sir Galahad has fallen off of his horse and into the Ditch. After searching around a bit he finds the entrance to the dungeon. He has his torch lit and his sword out.
DM: As you open the door, you see a large keg against the back wall flanked by two wooden doors. In front of the keg are three orcs with tankards, they turn and face you. Roll for initative.
GT: OOC: I swing the door open and use my Fighting Challenge against the center orc, IC: I am Sir Galahad Toadmire surrender now or I will be forced to bear arms against you. OOC: and step into the room.
DM: *the orcs draw falchions and rush Toadmire, none hit.*
GT: IC: Your orcish mead has impared your senses! OOC: I attack the orc with my sword. * rolls crit, slays orc* and step away.
DM: *the orcs advance and attack toadmire, one hits, lowering him to around 4HP*
GT: I insult him and counter attack. *rolls crit, slays orc*
DM: *last orc advances, attacks, and hits, lowers to 1HP*
GT: I counter *rolls and misses* and step away.
DM: *last orc advances, attacks, and misses*
GT: I counter *rolls and misses* and step away.
DM: *last orc advances, attacks, rolls crit, drops Toadmire to -3HP*
GT:
...now what?DM: I don't know.
GT: ...do I auto-stablize?
DM: Let's see...*rolls several times*
laughsGT: What?
DM: you stablize...*rolls* you regain conciousness 4 hours later at -9HP, you see a plastered orc sitting in the corner.
GT:...okay...(metagaming) if I try an untrained Heal check for long term care without a healer's kit, I'll screw up and wind up killing myself....*considers options*...I'll attempt to convince the orc to help me.
DM:
What!?GT: I stand a better chance to convince the orc than I do trying to heal myself (and I don't risk injuring myself further).
DM:
okay...diplomacy checkGT: I'll first try to convince him I'm his friend *nat 20* + 2 Cha
DM: The orc nods groggily.
GT: Now I'll try to get him to help me. *18* + 2
DM: The orc stumbles over and you realize that he's not sober enough to do much good, but he is trying to help you.
GT: I'd better try to patch myself up then. *nat 20* - 2 Wis -2 no healers kit, orc didn't make aid-another; total:16 DC:15
*both on floor laughing
DM: okay, you are at -9 HP and stable and long term cared. What do you do?
GT: I need food and warmth, is my torch still lit?
DM: Yes.
GT: I'll take my time, so I don't hurt myself, and get some wood off of the top of the keg. I'll make a fire and extinguish the torch to save it.
DM: and food?
GT: ...
DM: well?
GT: Can I see if I realize what I can use for food *attempts an untrained Survival* gets 3.
DM: You have no idea.
GT: I was thinking of eating the dead orcs and drinking their blood and the ale in the keg.
DM: (FYI: He's a Boyscout and reads all sorts of survival books) ...well... blood is more nutritious than most people realize...*looks my sheet over* ...alright. You need to survive for 9 days, which is just about how long it'll take the orc to get over the hangover-from-hell.
GT: Wait, (player/DM knowledge vs character knowledge) 9 Wis and Dex damage from the ale, orc have 10 Wis and Dex, he had 1 Wis and was trying to help me!
DM: He more or less fumbled about.
GT: Well alright...I have enough orc and wood to last that long, how about experience points?
DM: *gives enough to reach level 2 and then some* (off the top of his head) The Knights of the Union are never going to believe this.
GT: Knights of the Union. That's not bad. *writes on character sheet* Sir Galahad Toadmire of the Knights of the Union, Survivor of the Ditch of Horrors.
DM: You haven't survived yet...that was just the first room...
Sir Galahad Toadmire indeed did survive and took the orc, Granch, as his squire. Negociated with a horde of goblins to leave them alone and drink the rest of the keg, he met up with a troop of 3 elves in the dungeon and calmed the racial tensions between them and Granch, Slayed a Manticore at level 3 and is now on a Crusade against the Knights of the Outer Circle with Granch and the Elves.
Hey Rickiel, How's Raz's house hunting? If you need extra dimensional space try the Magnificent Mansion. I would also look at the Horn of Valhalla in the DMG, if Summon Monster could summon constructs that appear to be human barbarians, one might argue what else it could summon... Personally, I'd crash at a bardic college, my exiled Drow Bard, Rinju, hangs there when he's not walking the land...he's just as wild but not as funny...
Indeed it was, but when 5 of their initiatives are before the level 5 paladin, and they all decide to grapple...and the paladin rolls 1's and 6's...it can get pretty funny.
My very first character ever, Sylantar the red-robed mage, played during the off-times with a friend of mine in our high school PE class.
After bargaining with a dragon for an ancient artifact, I agreed to a curse that would turn me into a three-toed sloth at random times.
On the last day of the semester, when we needed to wrap up the campaign, I negotiated passage through an orc army with the timely usage of charm. Halfway through the thousand-orc horde came the Best Line Ever, and brought the campaign to a very satisfying conclusion.
"You turn into a three-toed sloth."
Lyinginbedmon, that was the weirdest mental image I've ever gotten from reading someone's posts because I for some reason pictured Godzilla and Mrs Godzilla in bed then Mecha-Godzilla stepping into the picture
::blinks::
WHAT?!?!?!!
::blinks again::
zoiks!!
::blinks::
WHAT?!?!?!!
::blinks again::
zoiks!!
It's a stupid commericla (I think) from adult swim on cartoon network -_-'
Unfortunately for me I've been rather lax in remembering funny lines...
However...
The Cast of Alternity Arcana Campaign:
Riely: Adventerous Fast Hero, the best crack-shot out of the whole group, tendency to evade his own grenades, and the de-facto leader.
Rattler: Criminal Tough/Strong Hero, pilots an AF (armor frame or AKA mecha) and is the tank. Both figuratively and literally.
Gan: Adventurer Tough Hero, a mutant human from an 'apocolypse world' trying to adjust to civilization. Has a tendency to break things in half.
Pay'ic: Techno-guru Smart Hero, a t'sa who is the group's techno-guru, master of making laser pistols into impromptu bombs, and has recently achieved a level of Mad Scientist (essentially added the Mad to the Scientist class from the Past d20 book)
and then there's Me: GM.
Session 1: Who The Bleep Are You?
Gan: What do we do about equipment?
Me: Do not worry about equipment, wealth bonus, nor how each of your characters know each other.
Pay'ic: ...Oh crud, you're going to do something to us aren't you?
Me: Of course, it's in my job description.
--same session--
Me: Everyone ready? Good, INITIATIVE! *Everyone rolls, including I* Okay, whomever's first, make a Fortitude Save.
Pay'ic: Wait a sec! What's happening? Where are we?! WHY ARE WE FIGHTING!
Me: You'll know a few of those answers provided you make your Fort save to wake up. *Pay'ic fails* Okay, understandable, you're not the toughest like Rattler is.
Rattler: Right! *rolls, and fails miserably*
Me:...Okay...this is a DC 12 folks. Easy stuff.
*Soon enough, after a technical 6 rounds of trying to wake up*
Me: Wow... At this rate we'll have to change the game setting from the Future to Dream Land.
--same session...and well after waking up--
Me: Okay, you find yourselve's in the docking station's control room. There's still only emergency lighting on.
Riely: I'm going to start searching around.
Pay'ic: This is all techno-stuff so I'm going to help!
Rattler: I'm going to stand right here, and look tough.
GM: And with those tough hero levels you'll be doing a magnificent job of it.
*after searching*
GM: You find a flat, book sized computer unit. It looks like it has a holographic display capability as well as two buttons, on and off.
Riely: I'm going to go ahead and turn it on.
GM: Okay, there's a moment for it to boot up before a holographic display creates the image of a blue woman wearing a nightie and still looking rather sleepy hovers over the computer unit.
Riely: What the
A.I.: I can ask you the same thing! But I'm not going to. It's not in my programming.
Gan: Gan want to know why female's small.
A.I.: I'm the A.I. for this station and this is just a holographic display.
Gan: Gan don't know what A.I. is.
Riely: Don't pay any attention to him, look, there's some guys who kidnapped us, decided to crash into this station, and we want to know how to turn this place on so we can do some major damage to them! And while we're on the subject what's your name?
A.I.: That's nice. But I can't turn the station on. And I don't have a name.
Riely: You're name's now Shirly.
Shirly: Shirly... I can do that. Now what else do you want?
Riely: For you to shut up and tell us how to get bigger guns!
Shirly: A bit conflicted are we?
Session 2: Getting Trouble (or Riely attempts to educate Gan on civilized culture)
Riely: Okay, you see that gnoll over there?
Gan: Gan wonder, is that the fuzzy creature back there with several females?
Riely: Yes, he's called a pimp. He pimps women out.
Gan: Why?
Riely: For recreational uses.
Gan: Gan not know how females are used for recreational uses.
Riely:...Out of Character, what's your charisma and intelligence score?
Gan: A 15 and a 14.
Riely: And he speaks in third person why?
Gan: Gan grew up on apocolypse world and Gan only know how to speak so.
Me: In other words, he's fooling everyone into thinking he's stupid thereby getting everyone to underestimate him as he learns more about the world about him and thus later in life Gan will come out of his obscurity to kick some total A. Right?
Gan: How did you know?
Me: I've pulled off that stunt before. Now, are you two going to talk about pimpenomics all day or what!?
--same session, getting a room--
Me: There's three main inns in Freeport, there's the Titanium Thimble which has the best service, there's the Holiday Express, then there's Motel 59 which is like Motel 65, only 6 numbers off.
Riely: We'll look into the TT.
Me: Purchase DC of a single bed one room is 25.
Riely: AND we go to Motel 59.
Session 3: Visit to the Doctor.
Gan: Gan need see doctor!
Sesheyan Witch Doctor: I'm a doctor.
Gan: Gan got broken foot and several bullets lodged in various body parts! Gan in much pain
Sesheyan Witch Doctor: Would you like for me to end your pain?
Gan: Gan say yes!
SWD: Very well then. *pulls out a dagger*
Gan: Gan want know what you do with big knife.
SWD: I'm going to end your pain via end your life.
Gan: But Gan want to LIVE!
SWD: You're not the first one to say that. I swear, all you humans are so picky.
Session 4: Going Down?
Riely: Pay'ic! We need to get this elevator to go down faster! The whole place is collapsing!
Pay'ic: Okay! *Makes a Disable Device Check*
Me: Riely, Rattler, you both feel a shudder through the elevator and there's a distinct sense of free falling.
Riely: Pay'ic. Tell me you didn't disable the elevator entirely.
Pay'ic: Ummm...I did. But don't worry! The emergency brakes should kick in!
Riely: When?
Pay'ic: Hopefully soon.
Session 5: Look Who's In Town Now
Me: Okay, after making a few deals here and there, and figuring a brothel in a space station servicing pirates is a good idea, before you leave for your next adventure you see that Mister Diggidy, the gnoll pimp from Free Port that's opening the brothel, has entered the station.
Riely: Does the station have an intercom system that can be heard through the whole station?
Me:
Umm..yeah.Riely: I turn it on and say, "Attention everyone, Mister Diggidy has entered the station. That is all."
--same session--
Pay'ic: The whole areas going to fall into the sinkhole!? I'LL USE MY JETPACK!
Me: That's nice. Only one problem.
Pay'ic: What's that?
Me: It's still not your turn in the initiative order. And THAT' where we leave off for the night!
Pay'ic: Are we doomed
Me: Of course not. Just mildly doomed.
It's a stupid commericla (I think) from adult swim on cartoon network -_-'
Whats adult swim? I know what cartoon network is but never heard of adult swim
Whats adult swim? I know what cartoon network is but never heard of adult swim
Adult Swim is the late night line up on Cartoon Network. More adult level humor shows. Features shows like Family Guy, Aqua Teen Hungerforce, Venture Brothers, and Robot Chicken, which is where the Godzilla/Mrs. Godzilla/Mecha-Godzilla thing came from.
Reptillian Kaiju is destroying city.
Giant robot comes to save city.
They meet each other's eyes and fall madly in love.
Some time later, a new car is born.
I repeat, a car is born.
The only sort of godzilla/mechy thingy commercial I saw was as follows.
Reptillian Kaiju is destroying city.
Giant robot comes to save city.
They meet each other's eyes and fall madly in love.
Some time later, a new car is born.
I repeat, a car is born.
There was a really bizarre "don't post here" thread that evolved (or devolved...hmm...) into a love story between a hermaphrodite and a french robot godzilla. It was actually pretty good, I think, but the moderators felt it was spam. Meh.
Anyways, I request that we all just FORGET ABOUT GODZILLA ALREADY!
Or at least as long as said giant monster isn't part of a 'best lines ever' story.
Anyways, ON WITH THE BLOODY SHOW!
It's a stupid commericla (I think) from adult swim on cartoon network -_-'
Adult Swim is on too late for those of us who have to be up too early in the AM for work.
Sylvara- Dragon-trained Elf monk, out for fame (f)
Shannyl- Gnome sorceress, drama queen w/ a crush on Fiann (f)
Fiann- Shy Human Druid, Shannyl scares him (m)
Nightfang O'Tara- Fiann's Dire Bat companion
Linna- Human Fighter, doesn't day much (f)
Sylvara at the Pelorite Shrine
Sylvara: I'm here for potions.
Cleric: Hello, praise Pelor! I sell scrolls.
Sylvara: I can't use scrolls, could I have some potions?
Cleric: Scrolls! Praise Pelor!
Sylvara:
Are you feeling OK?Cleric: PRAISE PELOR!!!!!
Fiann at the Druid Grove
DM: As you approach, you see the druids preforming a secret ritual.
Fiann: I'm a druid, so I wait for them to finish.
DM: They hold out their hands palm down, flip them over, place them on their shoulders, waists and hips, wiggle and turn. As they do so, they chant Druidic neumarals and shout "Hey Macademia!".... This is why they're secret rituals.
Later the druids turned out to be drunked economists.
Shannyl at the Wizard's Tower
Shannyl: Can you sell me magic scrolls?
Wizard: You're here to fix the roof?
Shannyl: No, I'm here for magic.
Wizard: Fix the roof?
This went on for a while...
Wizard: You've already fixed the roof?
Shannyl: Yes, I have!!!
Wizard: Then take these 4 Silver!
Shannyl: Good. Can you sell me magic now????
Wizard: First, you need to fix the roof!
Shannyl:
:surrender Meeting Up Again:
Sylvara: When the bards write our heroic ballad... let's leave this part out.
Others:
:surrender Agreed.DM: You hear the duergar speaking to you in undercommon.
Me: What are they saying?
Partner: I can speak undercommon. What do they say?
DM: Parlez' vous Francais?
Me:....Dude, Undercommon is not French.
Partner: Yeah. It's probably some kind of slavic. German, maybe.
Me: Yeah. Vosh shvine hutin hauten herlen glut!
This happened the same day as the mind-flayer game. By the way, he took your contingency idea for his own, spank you very much.
DM: You hear the duergar speaking to you in undercommon.
Me: What are they saying?
Partner: I can speak undercommon. What do they say?
DM: Parlez' vous Francais?
Me:....Dude, Undercommon is not French.
Partner: Yeah. It's probably some kind of slavic. German, maybe.
Me: Yeah. Vosh shvine hutin hauten herlen glut!
My group is actually firmly under the belief that Undercommon sounds what the name seems like.
"Aw yeah, bro', Gettin' down wit' me homies ta pimp our lingie in da hood, Undercommon, see? 'S one B****in' lingie to speak, ya dig?"
You get the general picture.
"Aw yeah, bro', Gettin' down wit' me homies ta pimp our lingie in da hood, Undercommon, see? 'S one B****in' lingie to speak, ya dig?"
In my DMs homebrew world, thats how the plants talk when you use the 'Speak with Plants' spell to converse with them.:D That might also be druidic. Man were twisted.
The cast
Warren Freeman (Me, Dedicated Hero. Former FBI agent Invesigator)
Alan Vargas (Smart Hero Investigative. Former CSI)
Deagan Davenport (Dedicated Hero. Former E.M.T.)
Reno Shinra (Smart Hero. Ex-Military Demolitionist)
Zach (Smart Hero. Our computer guy)
Edgar (Tough hero Sasquatch. Think 40's-style investigator)
Note that we all work for the Hoffman Institute.
The following happened all last night...
Scenario 1: We (Alan and Warren) wanted to recheck a house again, and notice it's already up for sale. Alan calls the number for the Real Estate agent. At the end of the call...
R.E. Agent: Thank you sooo much for the interest on the house! Can I have your name and number and a good time so we can negotiate a deal over lunch?
Alan: My name's Warren Freeman. My phone number is (brief ooc moment: whatever Warren's cell number is). How about tomorrow over lunch at (brief ooc moment: How about that diner down the road a bit?)
R.E. Agent: Sure thing, Warren. I'll see ya then! *click of phone hanging up*
Warren: I hate you so much...
----------
Scenario 2: Phones are our way of messing with party-mates. Calling a college who has a person going to school there that was a part of the family who died (we're investigating the family's death. It's "Jack the Ripper"-esque for the mother, brutal for rest of the family).
Phone Attendant: RTI, how may I help you?
Reno: Yes, I'm looking for a student who attends your college. His name is Michael McCracken. I'm trying to get a hold of him to ask him a couple questions about an investigation we're doing.
PA: May I ask who's calling?
Reno: Reno Shinra.
PA: And who do you work for?
Me: I hold up a piece of paper with "FBI" written on it.
Reno: FBI, ma'am.
PA: Oh... Ooooh. Well, I'll try to get him to you. *pause* That's odd, he's withdrawn from college. And he's already out of his room. His RA even has all the papers signed...
Flash forward. Our boss gets a call some time later. Guess the PA called the FBI. The boss talks to Reno about it and tells him to say we're with the Wildlife Reserve. My character got the evil eye from Reno. I only grinned back.
----------
Scenario 3: Truthful, but unuseful information. It's my character's turn to be interrogated...
DM: As the drugs begin to wear off, you get slapped hard across the face. There's a bright light being shined in your eyes.
Me: Ugh... my freakin' head... I feel so wasted...
DM: "Tell us what you know about the house!" Roll a fort save.
Me: Rolls, passes. My character spits on him.
DM: Ok... your character gets thrown across the room and promptly kicked in the ribs for... *rolls* six damage. You become winded and think you broke a couple ribs. As you catch your breath, he yell / asks again "Tell us what you know!" Roll a fort save again.
Me: Rolls, fails. *evil grins* I know you guys are a bunch of a
.Everyone else but DM:
/ DM:
He moves in and punches you in the face for... *rolls* two damage...Me: Aaaand I'm at zero...
DM: Which means you're unconscious and gonna be VERY hurt when you get up, at best.
Me: It WAS the truth though. My character will die with dignity after that.
Edit: Got the comp guys name.
My fighter once opened a trap door to a dungeon below and a wight was scurrying up the ladder from below so the mage of the group pushed my fighter aside and cast lightning bolt and vaporized the undead bastard. My fighter turned to him and said "That was mighty wight of you".
My high level cleric cast a commune spell and after i asked 15 or so legitimate questions i ran out of ideas. So i asked the deity "Got Milk?". His answer was NO.
I hope that deity isn't one of those anti-agriculture gods like Obad-hai.
Aaaaanyway...
The Cast:
Glinfaëwyn de Glinfaë-CN Elven Rogue
#3571-LE Barbed Devil, Aka "Cuddles".
Daimon-N Human Wizard
Barsad-LG Elven Paladin
Kano-N Elven Fighter
"Interviewing" a Prisoner That Cuddles Has By the Throat
Daimon: You have such a nice spine... It'd be a shame if anything happened to it.
Cuddles: OOC Are we playing "Good Cop, Dumb Cop"?
Or "Dumb Cop Wierd Cop"?
Daimon: OOC I'm playin' Godfather!
Informing Cuddles' Player (Krystoff) That He'll Have To Run Barsad for the Session, Becuase the Player was Sick.
Krystoff: I think I'll play him as a mix of Woody Allen and John Wayne.
Party:
Krystoff: In John Wayne Voice Forsooth. It's my way or the... highway. I challenge you to a... duel.
*Elven Drunken Master staggers into inn*
EDM(OOC): "I pull out a bottle of rum and begin drinking"
DM(OOC): The innkeeper comes over.
DM: "What are you doing here, you can't just bring your own booze!"
EDM: "How much to let me?"
DM: "1 gold piece?"
EDM: "Okay, but give me a bottle of rum with it" *flips a gold piece to innkeeper*
DM: "Alright"
EDM(OOC): "I drink the bottle"
Me(OOC): "FOR-TI-TUDE. FOR-TI-TUDE. FOR-TI-TUDE."
EDM: "Oookay..." *rolls natural 1*
*Everyone laughs*
Me(OOC): That's the third time he's done that!
*A newly appointed magistrate party member enters the tavern and sees the unconscious elf. His name is Evarian*
E: "My good barkeep, I can help you in the case against this drunk."
DM: "Case? Sounds awfully complicated, what does it mean?"
E: "This man is illegally sleeping on this floor, something which you may sue him for. I would be willing to persecute him on your behalf,"
DM: "Hmm... what would it cost?"
E: "Half of the amount we get out of him"
DM: "That seems fair"
Me: "Go for the capital punishment"
Me: "I go to the local guardhouse and offer my services as an executor, now that I've finally bought myself an axe"
DM(OOC): "You're met with a certain amount of suspicion, one of the guards approaches you."
DM: "Execution is my job, are you trying to steal it?"
Me: "Good heavens, no. I am merely trying to serve society, now that I've been in this town a few days."¨
DM: "I get a silver piece per person I execute."
Me: "You can keep the silver, I am just trying to serve the city"
DM: "So you don't want payment?"
Me: "No."
DM: "Why?"
Me: "Probably for the same reason that you serve the city?"
DM: "The money?"
Me: "No. You keep the money and I'll chop people's head off, you understand now?"
DM(OOC): "Okay, you get the job"
DM: "So, does anyone do anything before nightfall?"
Me: "Yes. I go to a tavern wearing a "mysterious stranger cloak" and sit in the corner..."
DM: "O..."
Me: "Then I find some upstart adventurers and try to attract their attention"
DM: "They come over"
Me: "Greetings young adventurers, I have a mission for you..."
Me(OOC): Are there royal tombs in this city?
DM(OOC): Yes.
Me: "I need you to recover a family heirloom from the royal catacombs..."
*DM starts to laugh
Me: "... it is a ring ornamented with an eightpointed white star. Should you recover this ring, I shall give you 100 gold pieces"
*DM is gasping for air while laughing*
Me(OOC): "Do they accept?"
DM(OOC): "Yeah, they accept."
Me: "Now, I hurry over to the city guard and squeal on them, making sure that they're caught and trialled for trying to loot the tomb of our beloved kings and queens. Then I offer my services as executioner again."
DM(OOC): Okay, they're brought in and sentenced to death and you get to cut off their heads.
Me(OOC): Okay, as I am about to cut off their heads, I lift up my hood and wink at them before decapitating them.
DM: "What do you take for your 3rd level spells?"
Gahread (OOC):"I'm going to go with Kelgore's Grave Mist and Dance of Ruin."
Other party member (OOC): "What the
happened to Melf's and Web?"DM: (blinks, comes over to peer at the relevant pages) "Kelgore's is kinda interesting, okay...where's the other from?"
Gahread (OOC): "Vile Darkness."
DM:
Gahread (OOC): "What?"
DM: "Book of Vile Darkness? Does it have the evil descriptor?"
Gahread (OOC): "Well, yeah."
DM: "You can't take that. There's no way you could have learned about that enough to cast it. Besides, you cast that spell, you turn evil."
Gahread (OOC): "But when I cast fireball, I don't turn into a fire elemental..."
DM:
Sigh. 2d20 damage to everything in close range...
Our ninja is 1st level and brand-new:
Ninja: "I run over and disarm the bugbear chief with my sais!"
DM: "You do realize he gets an attack of opportunity for that? And he's carrying a greatsword, sized for him? And you have, what, 7 hit points?"
Ninja: "...I run over and finish off the injured bugbear on the ground!"
DM: :D "Good idea."
From a few weeks back:
DM: "Do you have knowl-"
Gahread (OOC): "Yes."
DM: "You didn't even know what I was going to say."
Gahread (OOC): "I have knowledge (everything)."
DM: "You can't have knowledge (everything). You have to pick."
(Show the character sheet. 19 starting INT means lots of 1-rank skills!)
DM: "Okay, you DO have knowledge(everything). Roll."
Ee gads that's an ingenious method for acquiring business...
Well, it didn't cost me anything, it eliminated a group of tomb descerating mercenaries and I got to use my axe.
Oh, and the drunken master didn't get executed... he signed a couple of contracts that made his soul the property of the lawyer as well as becoming his slave, losing a bunch of rights in the progress.
Gods, I can't wait 'til it comes up in play ("Whaddaya mean I can't be resurrected!? Since when did you own my soul? Oh...")
Cazial: An elven ranger, who has managed to wipe out pretty much every goblin worth fighting.
Dara: A human warlock, who fled a political marriage to a man who makes bluebeard look affectionate and set up her own Barony.
Spinooze: A gnome druid with a violent streak. He's more interested in treasure and heroism than maintaining the balance of nature.
Yuri: a halfling fighter/rogue: meanest sonova' with a crossbow. Currently on hiatus as a lizard; he was on the wrong end of a baleful polymorph.
...and...
Baron Sor: Our BBEG is a warpriest of Wastri, and is trying to garner political power for the religion of his hateful god. Because his fief is in a swamp, he's made a habit of petrifying problematic non-humans then stone shaping them into buildings.
I Hate This Forest!
The heroes, having escaped Carceri and Hades find themselves in Axeruin Forest, a pine forest with a heart of petrified trees and portals to hades. It is infested with low-powered evil outsiders, cockatrices, medusae, gorgons, and gravecrawlers. Not to mention other stranger spirits, killer plants and worse.
As the PCs are trying to find their way to civilization, they encounter several N'kai warriors: exotic Wastri-worshipping foreigners who work for Baron Sor, apparently herding Gorgons for Baron Sor's next petri-fest.
Cazial (OOC): *sneaking up on the N'kai warriors* I'll stop about 30ft. away. Any sign that they notice me?
DM: They still don't seem to notice you.
Cazial (OOC): Good! I'll take a ranged precision/improved rapid/greater manyshot!. *rolls dice*
Dara (OOC): Of doom!
(Yes I let my archer players stack their feats.)
DM: Okay you launch a barrage of arrows into the poor fools back, nailing him to the petrified tree in front of him; each arrow severing a different point on his spine. His fellows turn around, their eyes popping out. Only one is quick enough to begin loud birdcalls, the others grip their weapons tightly... NEXT!
Dara (OOC): I'm going to try out an eldritch spear of my new vitriolic blast. *rolls some dice*
DM: You hit the N'kai warrior with a jet of luminous indigo fluid. Where it touches him, it washes his flesh away and leaves nothing behind. The jet slowly passes down to his feat, leaving nothing behind but a puddle of organic sludge and teeth, and a deep steaming groove etched into the stone tree... NEXT!
Spin: That's me!
DM: So you're a thrush up in a nearby tree?
Spin: Yes. And I'm going to cast arc of electricity.
DM: You open up your beak and send a crackling bolt of lightning from it that strikes one of the survivors in the chest, causing leaf-like burn patters to spider across his skin before he drops lifeless to the ground. The last one jerks upward as the bolt of energy hits him, and then drops to his knees, his flesh burned and smoking, but still alive.
N'kai Warrior:
fire-breathing sparrows! I hate this forest! *starts running away*A Brief Tactical Discussion.
About using hideous blow during a grapple-fight.
Dara (OOC):
heh... grapple this.*Then the conversation came to a pregnant pause*
Everyone:
(for a good five minutes)DM: Ahem... meanwhile, back at the ranch...
*Another pause*
Everyone:
... *snicker* ... ... :D ... *another four minutes of hysteria pass*
Cazial (OOC): Okay everyone get your mind out of the gutter! It's getting crowded down here!
Spin (OOC): *snicker*
Dara (OOC): Where's you "magic sword" now?
This "magic sword" running gag is actually getting a little out of hand.
Ribbit!
This campaign has an odd "evil frog" theme to it (I'm a hardcore TOF fan.) My players have encountered souped-up dire toads with swallow whole powers, shrines to Wastri made of the petrified flesh of gnomes, kuo-toas, Herzou death-squads, baleful polymorphs, and frog-shaped treasure in goblin treasure hoards. Spinoozle has been bitten/swallowed by toads so many times he was called "Toadsnack" for the better part of ten levels of adventure.
Tonight I revealed the piece de resistance of the endless evil toads: a Titanic Toad, courtesy of MMII. The players were already well beyond its CR, but I really wanted a chance to have Spinoozle swallowed whole by a toad even when he was in enlarged dire bear form.
*After several rounds of fighting*
Dara (OOC): I'm going to hit it with a vitriolic burst this time. *rolls a 1.* Oh no… *confirms it to only be a miss, the whole party sighs with relief*
DM: Your feet slide in the mud as you unleash the jet of acid, it arcs into the air well above the massive toad's back. Somewhere in the distance you hear a surprised squawk.
Cazial: You missed?! This toad is the size of a planet! What?! Was I blocking your view?!
*A round later Cazial finally kills it with a multishot of shock arrows.*
DM: The toad's flesh lights up like a plasma lamp from the inside, and you can trace the flow of it's veins for a moment before it slumps forward, skin bubbling and smoking, inert... Mmmm... anyone hungry?
Dara (OOC):
Spin (OOC): bleagh!
Cazial (OOC): *Spreads her arms as wide as they go* A drumstick THIS BIG! :D
Regular Giant...
The PCs return victorious to the Myconid Circle that hired them to destroy the toad, and discover what happens when a DM prone to purple prose after a long day operating solely on caffeine.
DM: You see as you approach that the Mycondis have gathered to watch your return. Now that you've earned their trust, you can count twenty-one of them moving around; as they've stopped pretending to be regular giant mushrooms.
Dara (OOC):
REGULAR giant musrooms?Cazial (OOC): 'Da ;censored: ?
DM: Hey, it's D&D! :D
The Only News is Bad News
Once the PCs finally make it back to civilisation they question the local Scop about the news he's collected on his circuit and hear a veritable list of disturbing things:
The adventurer's guild was disbanded, and the Queen had purged all chaotic adventurers she could, and for that matter all high-level adventurers whose loyalty she couldn't ensure. She replaced the guildmasters and guildhalls with special customs offices manned by the Watchers for the Crown, nasty ultra-lawful diviners with their own prestige class.
They also discover that Baron Sor has declared Vendetta against Dara in court, and plans on annexing her lands. He only awaits her courtly response. Of course, the Queen won't step in because Baron Sor is loyal, and the free peoples of the North have just banded together under their own Queen (a mysterious woman who claims to carry the blood of the lost kings of the Annoh.) This also means that Dara's border fief now sits on the frontline of an impending war.
First though, they have to spring their old pirate captain, who is currently awaiting execution 150miles way, then deal with a crazed but very skilled ranger who has slaughtered entire populations of gnomish villages in recent months.
Cazial Summed up the party's feelings very well after they finished interviewing the Scop.
Cazial: Can't we go back to Carceri? Things were much better there!
N'kai Warrior:
VESTIA: She's definitely passed out. Might as well make the best of it.
*She proceeds to loot the unconcious girl*
JOSEN: Unhand her you dirty, dirty lesbian!
*Vestia freezes and relents looting, unsure of how to respond*
Goon, I'm stealing your entire post to put in my sig but it wont fit..so...I'm taking this kk? thanks *gives a cookie for the laugh*
Sure, but only if I get to steal your striped cow of dragon's bane idea! ;)
Wait a second.... A striped cow of U.F.O. bane! :evillaugh
Show
Yes, it's a possible spell, Persistent Spell, Divine Metamagic (persistent spell), the Planning and Trickery domains. A Cleric can spend a day in no-time
Persistent Time Stop couldn't quell the madness of these boardsShowYes, it's a possible spell, Persistent Spell, Divine Metamagic (persistent spell), the Planning and Trickery domains. A Cleric can spend a day in no-time
Time Stop is spontaneous.
Time Stop
Transmutation
Level: Sor/Wiz 9, Trickery 9
Components: V
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Personal
Target: You
Duration: 1d4+1 rounds (apparent time); see text
I'd say it's up for debate. It's instantaneous for everyone else, for you it's 1d4+1 rounds.
17th level cleric casts time stop all persistant like and uses create food and water those fo into stopped time so they dont have to worry about the duration of that then the cleric uses all the healing spells they have and then rest for 8 hours and regain spells and then eats the food and there is still 15 hours to blow. if there are any enemies close the cleric could forcecage and a few dbfs or maybe summon a menagerie then go read a book and leave a note for the enimies and then collect all of their treasure and walk out casually and make way to the nearest town and kick a chicken(i know technically impossible) then teleport out of there.
I'd do it but nothing sufficently funny seems to happen in my campaigns
Me: I cast Web on the gnome wizard guy.
DM: Okay...*roll roll* He's stuck.
Fighter/Cleric: I cast Flame Strike on him
DM: *roll roll* He's dead.
Us: ...what?
DM: He's dead! You killed the BBEG!
Us:...Sweet!
My first game, and we killed the BBEG in one round. Without even getting amazing criticals! :P
I wound post something to no get derailed but my DM (and owner of the house we play at so I cant DM), is currently having a "family values" break..2 weeks in a row he's been hanging out at his Girlfriend's house...I think She's drugged him
on an interesting side note, whenever I see their like 7 month old baby...I keep thinking she's gonna cast dispell on her Alter Self spell and turn into a kobald and kill me...
It went like this.
Warrior: This is a great place to set camp!
Wizard: You realise we've been walking two hours.
Warrior: Let's stay for an 8 hour rest period.
Wizard: I haven't used any of my spells, and you're undead.
Warrior: But aren't you tired?
Cleric: No...
Warrior: OOC: I attack Azok for subdual.
Me: Okay. With your longsword-
Warrior: And slam.
Me: Roll
Warrior: *rolls* What's your AC? Oh, I hit.
Me: Ok, roll again.
Warrior: let's see, 25 damage all in all.
Me: Ok, Theebone hits Azok.
Cleric: You know, I just got a bit sleepy.
Wizard: I think you're up to something.
I could barely hold it in.
DM: Ok... he takes full damage. A cone of particles spread out from your fingertips as the Hulk reels in surprise. Portions of its exoskeleton are laid bare and you can see the quivering mass of flesh beneath.
Me/Monk: So... his exoskeleton is worn away in some points?
DM: Oh, uh... yeah.
Me: Like... where.
DM: His... back I guess.
Me: And he is above average in size?
DM: Yeah.
Me: I tear my way inside it and make myself comfy.
DM: ... uh ok so... we'll ignore its dr... and it can't hit you without hurting itself.
Me: I start eating it from the inside out.
B-Sorc: -rolls dice- I throw up.
B-Sorc: -rolls dice- I throw up.
Nice.
Me: I start eating it from the inside out.
B-Sorc: -rolls dice- I throw up.
I had a Half-Dragon do something like that once, only he rolled to start sleepwalking and start dreaming about chocolate, strawberries, and then some things that ended with him almost falling into a ship's furnace
A erinyes Druid.
A Succubi Sorcerer.
A half dragon half who knows what Fighter.
Having just beat the hell out of another PC (An Uber Xill Who left that week, not telling the DM
) the Fighter picks up a mysterious wand, given that none of can identify it (Sorcerer doesnt care :D ) The Rogue starts messing about with it.Oh yeah. We're in a forest.
Fighter: Whats this?
Druid: How should I know?
Fighter: Hmm... *Starts waving it around* FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!
DM: Three Fireballs leap from the tip of the wand, igniting much of the Forest.
Druid: ...
Promptly, the Druid and Fighter begin fighting, until they are distracted by an approaching army lead by none other than elminster
Sorcerer: So. What're we gonna do?
Druid: I know! We can trick Elminster into thinking we are but an adventuring party!
Fighter: Yeah! *Fighter alters his image (To a human) and headbutts a Tree to make it look like he was injured fighting the Uber Xill that lies in a ...smear, not far from them... Knocking himself out.
Druid: ... I shapechange into an elf and Stab myself in the leg with the Xills Claw.
Sorcerer: ... You guys are idiots. *Etheral jaunts and wanders off as Elminster approaches
Druid: *Crawls towards the wizard* Please lord help me
Elminster: *looks round, sees the sorcerer wandering off and dispells my disguise*
Druid: ... *Contagion* HA!
Elminster: Shakes head.
Creeper: a ghoul paladin. Ghoulish sense of humor (pun intended). Has no problem with taking advantage of his undead state to further his cause.
Jaaz: a female Raz rip-off.
Boom: a warmage who loves explosions. He rarely says anything other than BOOM!
Darwin: our cleric. Out to retrieve sacred works for his church.
Jones: a swashbuckler who works with Darwin. Named for Indiana Jones.
Mortis Ex Machina: aka Morty, a warforged warblade
Gus: tank - died and was replaced by Morty
Introductions
The group (minus Creeper) is doing some dungeon delving and getting swarmed by zombies. Things are looking grim when a ghoul jumps into the fray, attempting eat the zombies. The tide of battle turns. The PC's turn to Creeper, who is currently gnawing on an arm.
Creeper: Hi! I'm Creeper. [Offers a hand that's not his]. Whoops. Sorry. [Tosses hand away]. Offers his own for a handshake. I'm creeper. They say I've a ghoulish sense of humor.
Tonight on CORPSE - I mean COPS
The adventurers enter a city, Creeper in disguise. Guard stops them saying that there have been some smuggling problems involving Bags of Holding. Before they can enter, they must empty any bags of holding. Creeper's not too keen on that. Anyway, the guard seizes the bag of holding and turns it upside-down, pouring out its contents - numerous corpses and severed limbs (food).
Creeper: Those aren't mine.
Holy WHAT?!
Creeper has a tendency to fight with a zombie leg wielded as a club (when he's not chewing on it like a drumstick). This rises to a discussion about whether he could have it enchanted as Holy.
DM: Barring that it's not masterwork, do you think the product of vile necromancy could holy?
Morty (OOC): Who knows? Maybe it was a good zombie. I mean Creeper's good.
Jaaz (OOC): In which case the paladin needs to attone for slaying an innocent.
DM: [smiles evily] Maybe I will allow the leg to be holy.
Creeper: I'm good. And by the way, Smite Evil! [whacks the dm with the severed limb he's been using to represent Creeper's weapon].
A little later:
Darwin (OOC): You know, it sure is a funny image seeing an undead paladin fight with a severed limb.
Jaaz (OOC): Yeah, I know what you mean. It'd be even funnier if he completely equipped himself with dead equipment.
Morty (OOC): Yeah! Tie a zombie on as a shield!
Creeper (OOC): Uh, guys? I'd definitely be taking penalties for tying a corpse to my arm.
Darwin (OOC): No problem! Use a halfling zombie! [NOTE: We had just faced a few more undead, and had access to a halfling zombie]
Creeper (OOC): And I do have some rope . . .
DM: [Snatches Creeper's severed limb and whacks him with it]. Smite Stupid!
Insert title here
Jones is locked in a battle with a show-offy monk. He keeps spring attacking past Jones and then taunting him from a safe distance. Morty positions himself by Jones. As the monk runs in this time, Morty gets an attack of opportunity, picks him up, and throws him into the spiked pit trap.
Morty: [hearing the dying screams of the monk] Why do they always do that?
More coming!
I know I'm missing some good ones.
Morty (OOC): Who knows? Maybe it was a good zombie. I mean Creeper's good.
Jaaz (OOC): In which case the paladin needs to attone for slaying an innocent.
DM: [smiles evily] Maybe I will allow the leg to be holy.
Creeper: I'm good. And by the way, Smite Evil! [whacks the dm with the severed limb he's been using to represent Creeper's weapon].
Interesting choice of props there
Azgar - Human Barbarian, kind've the voice of the group
Samuel - Human Rogue, would try to haggle his way down from one silver to 9 copper
Jynx - Half-elf Rogue, tends to be quiet
Praf - Half-orc ranger, always gets picked on
Dartmouth - Elf bard, rarely shows up, but great when he does
Turnak - Dwarf cleric, he...shows up? That's it really =P
Show
The group was helping some religious group to do some tasks in a city ravaged by plague, and they'd just returned to collect their reward.
First encounter: Azgar and the leader of the zealots are talking about Azgar's barbaric roots, and Azgar is getting uppity.
Samuel: Calm down Azgar.
Janus (zealot leader): Yes, you'd best keep your slave in line.
Azgar: I am no man's slave! ::spits in Janus's face::
Janus: How dare you! ::starts to draw his sword::
Samuel: Er, sorry! Oh gods! ::works to shuffle Azgar away::
Shortly thereafter
Samuel: Quiet Azgar!
Azgar (OOC): That's it, I punch him in the back of the head.
Samuel (OOC): That's ok.
Azgar (OOC): With my gauntlet!
Samuel (OOC): NO! That's LETHAL damage!
After another meeting with Janus.
Janus: Ah, you've done well, thank you for your help.
Samuel (OOC): I...uh...expose myself!
DM (me!): You pull your shame out and shake it verily.
Samuel (OOC): What does Janus do?
DM: He backs away slowly before disappearing into a group of followers
First game with Dartmouth
DM: An elf sits in a corner of the tavern, by himself at a table.
Azgar: Greetings elf, what is your name?
Dartmouth: I am Dartmouth...THE BARD!
Party descended into giggles, and it seemed like Dartmouth couldn't go without adding THE BARD! to his name.
Later, the group is attempting to take out some cultists who are meeting in a street. Dartmouth and Azgar don some robes from cultists they killed earlier, and walk into the crowd trying to get some information from whoever they can, Dartmouth puts his high charisma to use. Course, one of the cult leaders gets suspicious.
Cultist leader: ...what is the name of our group?
Dartmouth: I was not told, I was only told to join or die.
Cultist leader: Ah... ::starts to turn away, then finishes the turn by drawing his sword:: INTERLOPERS!
Azgar draws his greatsword, screaming: EAT SWORD KNAVE!
After Dartmouth gets pummled by roughly 8 people, he falls unconscious and Azgar realizes that he needs to remove Dartmouth from danger or face his new friend being dismembered.
Azgar OOC: Ok, I'm gonna pick up Dartmouth.
DM: Can you carry him?
Azgar OOC: I think so, how much do you weigh?
Dartmouth OOC: Oh, weight? Uh, forgot that part... ::scribbles a weight in::
A moment later
Azgar OOC: Yeah, I can definitely carry him.
The rest of the party watches Azgar go dashing out of the crowd carrying an unconscious elf over his shoulder, a whole mob couldn't stop him from escaping sadly enough =P
Another game without Dartmouth
Azgar OOC: Hand me Dartmouth's character sheet real quick.
Jynx OOC: Who's Dartmouth?
Everyone else there: THE BARD!
While encountering a reoccuring NPC (Darius Umbrun, Master Brawler) who is a really boastful, self styled hero type and often takes credit for the work of others, the group started arguing about his abilities.
Darius: I am powerful and a great warrior!
Dartmouth: You're not hardcore!
Darius: Hardcore?
Samuel: It's a word from the south.
Dartmouth: It is given to the greatest and most powerful warriors.
Darius: Then perhaps I am of the hardcore...
The half of the table that didn't descend into maddening laughter, leaned across the table and screamed "NO YOU'RE NOT HARDCORE!" I think it took us about 5 minutes to just stop laughing.
Dartmouth and Darius are arguing
Dartmouth: You are a fool.
Darius: What?
Dartmouth: You speak in lies and falsehoods, you are not a great warrior.
Darius: How dare you!
Whole party starts in on how Darius is exaggerating his abilities.
Darius: Silence! I will not be taken in by your elfen deceptions!
Sometime after helping Darius kill a dire bear, the great sees him wearing the pelt in town.
Azgar: That's some pelt you have there Darius.
Darius: Ahh yes! It was taken from a massive beast I encountered on the slopes above!
Samuel: Did you kill this beast?
Darius: Yes, I did it to save some unknown common folk.
Samuel OOC: I KNEW HE WAS GONNA DO THAT
Azgar: THAT WAS US YOU FOOLS!
Darius: Was it? You do not look familiar.
The group was helping some religious group to do some tasks in a city ravaged by plague, and they'd just returned to collect their reward.
First encounter: Azgar and the leader of the zealots are talking about Azgar's barbaric roots, and Azgar is getting uppity.
Samuel: Calm down Azgar.
Janus (zealot leader): Yes, you'd best keep your slave in line.
Azgar: I am no man's slave! ::spits in Janus's face::
Janus: How dare you! ::starts to draw his sword::
Samuel: Er, sorry! Oh gods! ::works to shuffle Azgar away::
Shortly thereafter
Samuel: Quiet Azgar!
Azgar (OOC): That's it, I punch him in the back of the head.
Samuel (OOC): That's ok.
Azgar (OOC): With my gauntlet!
Samuel (OOC): NO! That's LETHAL damage!
After another meeting with Janus.
Janus: Ah, you've done well, thank you for your help.
Samuel (OOC): I...uh...expose myself!
DM (me!): You pull your shame out and shake it verily.
Samuel (OOC): What does Janus do?
DM: He backs away slowly before disappearing into a group of followers
First game with Dartmouth
DM: An elf sits in a corner of the tavern, by himself at a table.
Azgar: Greetings elf, what is your name?
Dartmouth: I am Dartmouth...THE BARD!
Party descended into giggles, and it seemed like Dartmouth couldn't go without adding THE BARD! to his name.
Later, the group is attempting to take out some cultists who are meeting in a street. Dartmouth and Azgar don some robes from cultists they killed earlier, and walk into the crowd trying to get some information from whoever they can, Dartmouth puts his high charisma to use. Course, one of the cult leaders gets suspicious.
Cultist leader: ...what is the name of our group?
Dartmouth: I was not told, I was only told to join or die.
Cultist leader: Ah... ::starts to turn away, then finishes the turn by drawing his sword:: INTERLOPERS!
Azgar draws his greatsword, screaming: EAT SWORD KNAVE!
After Dartmouth gets pummled by roughly 8 people, he falls unconscious and Azgar realizes that he needs to remove Dartmouth from danger or face his new friend being dismembered.
Azgar OOC: Ok, I'm gonna pick up Dartmouth.
DM: Can you carry him?
Azgar OOC: I think so, how much do you weigh?
Dartmouth OOC: Oh, weight? Uh, forgot that part... ::scribbles a weight in::
A moment later
Azgar OOC: Yeah, I can definitely carry him.
The rest of the party watches Azgar go dashing out of the crowd carrying an unconscious elf over his shoulder, a whole mob couldn't stop him from escaping sadly enough =P
Another game without Dartmouth
Azgar OOC: Hand me Dartmouth's character sheet real quick.
Jynx OOC: Who's Dartmouth?
Everyone else there: THE BARD!
While encountering a reoccuring NPC (Darius Umbrun, Master Brawler) who is a really boastful, self styled hero type and often takes credit for the work of others, the group started arguing about his abilities.
Darius: I am powerful and a great warrior!
Dartmouth: You're not hardcore!
Darius: Hardcore?
Samuel: It's a word from the south.
Dartmouth: It is given to the greatest and most powerful warriors.
Darius: Then perhaps I am of the hardcore...
The half of the table that didn't descend into maddening laughter, leaned across the table and screamed "NO YOU'RE NOT HARDCORE!" I think it took us about 5 minutes to just stop laughing.
Dartmouth and Darius are arguing
Dartmouth: You are a fool.
Darius: What?
Dartmouth: You speak in lies and falsehoods, you are not a great warrior.
Darius: How dare you!
Whole party starts in on how Darius is exaggerating his abilities.
Darius: Silence! I will not be taken in by your elfen deceptions!
Sometime after helping Darius kill a dire bear, the great sees him wearing the pelt in town.
Azgar: That's some pelt you have there Darius.
Darius: Ahh yes! It was taken from a massive beast I encountered on the slopes above!
Samuel: Did you kill this beast?
Darius: Yes, I did it to save some unknown common folk.
Samuel OOC: I KNEW HE WAS GONNA DO THAT
Azgar: THAT WAS US YOU FOOLS!
Darius: Was it? You do not look familiar.
My group is actually firmly under the belief that Undercommon sounds what the name seems like.
"Aw yeah, bro', Gettin' down wit' me homies ta pimp our lingie in da hood, Undercommon, see? 'S one B****in' lingie to speak, ya dig?"
You get the general picture.
One time, I played a drow with a thick Australian accent. After all, the drow really are from the Land Down Under ;)
If it ani’t dwarven it’s crap. (He stole it, but still most excellent. )
Drow npc: We are planning an uprising to wipe out a higher house will you help us.
Me: Wait your asking me to help you?
DMPC: Yes, you have expertise that would be of help.
Me: What’s that?
DMPC: Just use the f***ing lantern to kill every one alright.
Me: Now that’s just revolting.
One time, I played a drow with a thick Australian accent. After all, the drow really are from the Land Down Under ;)
Especially Eberron drow! Xen'drik even looks vaguely like Australia.
One time, I played a drow with a thick Australian accent. After all, the drow really are from the Land Down Under ;)
That gave me visions of a spoof Foster's add.
Announcer: How ta' speak Xen'drik...
Fire giant bursts out of a jungle at a party of adventurers... grabs the warlock's longspear and slings said warlock through the air while trying to shake the spear free.
Announcer: Toothpick.
Massive oak barrel lands on the poor broken warlock just as he's about to get up.
Anouncer: Mead. Scropp's... Xen'drik for mead.
That gave me visions of a spoof Foster's add.
Announcer: How ta' speak Xen'drik...
Fire giant bursts out of a jungle at a party of adventurers... grabs the warlock's longspear and slings said warlock through the air while trying to shake the spear free.
Announcer: Toothpick.
Massive oak barrel lands on the poor broken warlock just as he's about to get up.
Anouncer: Mead. Scropp's... Xen'drik for mead.
and also for making me choke on my drinkWe generally are trying to punt our DM into moving on, so when it comes to doing ANYTHING we don't absolutely have to do, such as remembering party names, we often refrain in the interest of not getting a lecture on say, dwarven naming habits. Therefore, names are somewhat generic...
DM: After casting those cloud spells, as you enter the camp following the battle, you see the twisted bodies of dozens of goblin women and children who were caught in it. You didn't really notice them during the confusion as their warriors were charging at you because in that sort of chaos, noncombatants aren't important.
Rogue: Wait a sec, isn't there a one gold bounty per right ear we bring in?
Dwarven cleric: I grab the nearest knife I can find and start chopping ears. They didn't put any specifics on it, just said it had to be ears.
DM: ...and now noncombantants are important.
Rellen sharpening Marius.
Marius: Oh, oh, yeah, right there, mmm, feels so good.
Rellen: Please stop making me feel dirty.
Okay LG Paladin, Rellen, with a Chaotic Good Intelligent Greatsword called Marius. He has a Heward's Handy Haversack filled with a tent 7 changes of clothing, MW manacles, 20 Wooden Holy Symbols, a whetstone, and 4 lbs of soap. He's the clean cut type, quite vain, takes great care of himself and his possessions. Charisma 20.
Rellen sharpening Marius.
Marius: Oh, oh, yeah, right there, mmm, feels so good.
Rellen: Please stop making me feel dirty.
Sounds like the Lilarcor mod for Morrowind. Whenever you repaired the sword it would say things like that.
Line 1:
Set up: The party is meeting a contact in a dark alleyway at night. The contact has just finished giving them the background story as well as some useful info.
Contact: Well, that's all the information I have to give you. You're on your own from here.
Ranger: But wait, how will we find you again?
Contact: *winks* If you need me, you'll find me. Or more likely, I'll find you.
DM: With that the man smiles, tips his hat towards you, steps back into the shadows and...*Rolls Hide Check: 1*...remains clearly visible.
Line 2:
DM: Sarnacia cries out to her god for strength and charges towards vampire, swinging her sword in a deadly arc of steel, connecting with...*Rolls attack roll: 1. Rolls again: 1*....her own face. She drops.
Line 3:
Cleric: I RUN SCREAMING DOWN THE HALLWAY!
DM: Congratulations, half the monsters in the dungeon charge into hall to investigate.
*BIG FIGHT! *
Party Leader: Wow...that was rough. We lost the wizard and most of the NPCs, and the rogue is unconscious. But at least we cleared out a lot of the monsters. We should go back to town, get our bearings and-
Cleric: I RUN SCREAMING DOWN THE HALLWAY!
Line 4:
Cleric: I charge the head vampire, crying out to pelor for strength!
DM: *Roll roll* Yeah...the archers all fire.... *Roll Roll*...you take 20 arrows to the face.
Wizard: Wow, he has a BIG face...
Line 5:
Me: Biff the minotaur cowers in fear!
Line 6:
DM: So...after killing the orphans' only living guardian, spilling all their food and ripping apart their house with your search checks, and traumatizing them for life by waving your blood soaked sword at them...how do you justify staying chaotic good?
Lazarus: ...I thought he was a ****. I put a 3 gold pieces on the table, yell "Sorry!" to them, and then leave the house.
Now...for the gems from today. First session in a large campaign:
Party Break Down:
Lorn: Human Fighter 2/Cleric 1
Defining Characteristic: Zealot
Azarol(Or something like that): Elven Wizard 3
Defining Characterstic: Not sure...yet
Stan: Human Cleric
Defining Charactersitc: He is an agnostic...a worshipper of the deity Agnost. He also is REALLY paranoid.
Rurrik: Human Cleric 3
Defining Characteristic: REALLY wants to purify everything!
Lee: Human Rogue 3
Defining Characteristic: Kleptomaniac Miser! COMPLETELY UNSTRUSTWORTHY. Basically a bigger kender without the morals.
John Barleycorn(Me): Human Druid 2/Sorcerer 1
Defining Characterstic: Young naive guy, who thinks way too highly of himself. Brave when the odds are for him. A coward otherwise. His animal companion's name is Mr. Anderson, a War Mastiff.
Line:
Azarol: I look for a rat!
DM: ....okay....?
Azarol: I wanna make a rat-flail!
Line:
*Arguing*
Stan: NO! DON'T GO INTO THAT BUILDING! WE'LL ALL DIE!
Lee: But there might be loot in there!
John: *roll roll* Guys...I just tripped over a rock...
Line:
DM: The rat leaps into the air at the wizard. *Roll: 1 Roll: 1* And then explodes.
Line:
DM: You see large buzzing thing...like an insect.
John: EEEEEEW...
Stan: Ew?!? You're a ****cking DRUID!
Line:
Lee: I hide in the troll's mouth!
Line:
DM: You see a very large dark sillhouette in the distance of what looks like a hooded figure holding a scythe and sitting on a horse. It stays there for a minute and then begins to recede further into the distance...
Party: *sighs in relief*
John: YOU COWARD! YOU YELLOW B@STARD!!!
Line:
DM: Let me get this straight...You cast Summon Billy Goat Gruff?
More later...
Sounds like the Lilarcor mod for Morrowind. Whenever you repaired the sword it would say things like that.
Hmm, its entirely possible my DM has played that - he was Rping the Sword. Not likely though its a pretty obvious joke, still funny though. Loved Morrowind myself, but never really bothered with add ons, etc.
Line 3:
Cleric: I RUN SCREAMING DOWN THE HALLWAY!
DM: Congratulations, half the monsters in the dungeon charge into hall to investigate.
*BIG FIGHT! *
Party Leader: Wow...that was rough. We lost the wizard and most of the NPCs, and the rogue is unconscious. But at least we cleared out a lot of the monsters. We should go back to town, get our bearings and-
Cleric: I RUN SCREAMING DOWN THE HALLWAY!
...well, at least s/he's got chicken.
*ponders giving a cookie to the first one who gets that reference*
Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! That's Leeroy Jenkin's final parting line before the WoW film he's named for ends and his companions beat him to death with their joysticks!
*passes you a nice chewy cookie*
No milk for you, though; that costs extra.
--EDITed to prevent any further cranial explosions--
*passes you a nice chewy cookie*
No free milk for you, though; that costs extra.
Wait, it's free, but it costs extra... but it's free... and costs...
*brain explodes*
SCENARIO: The party is held up in the castle's Chapel. They had the time and were able to sanctify the area. I like to reward behavior like this and am playing it that Strahd is physically unable to enter the Chapel without permission. This gives the party a relatively safe bolthole where they don't have to worry about Strahd disrupting them (directly). I am saying however, that Strahd is still able to hear and see all that occurs inside (Note: I very rarely allow BBEG's to overhear/see the party's plans as I think its a bit lame for a DM to do). (Sidenote: You'd be shocked to hear how many times the party *almost* gave a disguised Strahd permission to enter the Chapel).
The party Wizard is complaining that he can't cast Identify spells as he doesn't have the material components on hand (live goldfish). (Strahd has been played up to this point as the egomaniac he is and has been enjoying playing cat-and-mouse with the party immensely).
Strahd's butler knocks on the door and silently presents the party with a bowl of live goldfish (the party had had quite a bit of interaction with this silent and stoic servant of Strahd's).
The wizard promptly swallows a goldfish, is asked to make a save, fails, and promptly falls over dead.
The plaintive baritone of Strahd's voice can be heard coming from the other side of the door:
"I didn't think you were going to eat them..."
This was received by great mirth by everyone (except the respective mage). It was something that has been quoted as one of our best lines over the years. :P
<> You know, cure moderate wounds is a 1st level spell for a runescarred berzerker. Does this mean that a wand of cure moderate wounds would cost 750 gp?
<> uh, no.
<> Aw.
<> Yes, if made by the runescarred berserker.
<> Or by a chameleon, who can acquire divine spells of any list.
<> but then you'd need to be a runescarred berserker, right?
<> ...oh right, those too.
<> Broken buggers, eh?
<> Or if a warlock or artificer makes one.
<> Or if an archivist gets a scroll of it and puts it in his prayerbook.
<> ...shut up.
<>
<> But yeah. I guess this means those runescarred berserker-made scrolls come at quite a premium.
* RHJunior visualizes a store run by a runescarred berserker---"Come down to CRAZY EDDIE'S DISCOUNT HEALING WANDS for all your bargain party healing needs! how can we do it you ask? Cause our owner's crazy! He's so crazy he CUT THE DISCOUNT RATES INTO HIS OWN FLESH! "Arrrrrrgh! 50% off-- the pain!"
Fighter - Im going to try and break the ropes
DM - you strain, and strain *roll - 1, roll - 1* and **** yourself for lethal demage.
roll
Fighter - I just killed my guy by ******** myself
Break for laughter
Kiftal: level 2 male human sorcerer, played by me
PC2:Laruz: level 2 male Human Monk
Pc3: level 3 Female elven fighter, forget the name.
Me(OOC): Kiftal takes out his crossbow and shoot at the Orc! *rolls natural one* Oh bugger.
DM: You shoot Laruz in the foot.
PC2: Ow! Watch where your aiming that thing!
Me: eheheh...oops?
*next fight*
Me(OOC): Kiftal takes out his crossbow and shoots at the skeleton! *rolls another 1* not again...
DM: You shoot yourself in the foot.
Me: At this rate, I'll be better off throwing the crossbow.
I never did get a chance to throw the crossbow.
We play in Eberron and I'm a Telepath/Quori Mindhunter (prestige class whose focus is killing these evil extraplanar beings).
Our party was in Sharn (A big city where all sorts of races and people congregate) and was being followed by some people. We eventually confront them, and after a small skirmish, wind up taking one of them prisoner.
I, the Ranger, and the Dragonbreath Adept go upstairs into a building to see if we can find the guy who was shooting us with a crossbow. We find nothing except some leftover supplies from said person. Meanwhile, the Rogue and the Duskblade are carrying this now-unconcious prisoner through the streets like he's a drunk.
They decide to break his leg, in public, and make it look like an accident by having him trip over a fire hydrant. They succeed on their bluff checks and things continue. It's at that point that we notice the guards are kind of congregating around/watching our Rogue and Bard. The rest of the us go downstairs and back into the streets to deal with this potential problem.
I manifest Mindlink on all of them so we can communicate telepathically. We're deciding what to do and my suggestion is, "Ok guys. Before we do anything stupid, let me dominate the guard captain."
That made the table go into laughter for about 2 minutes. Needless to say, I DID successfully dominate the guard captain. Turns out they were all just on patrol in the same area and it really happened to be a coincidence!
In a busy bar in a lakeside village
Party:
2 Goliath Fighters/Barbarians (Blood Brothers)
Cleric of Tyr
Fighter/Mage/Spellsword
None of them have met, and are sitting on there own at different parts of the bar, except the Goliaths who are sitting at a table having a beer and joking at each other, the Barbarian Goliath gets up and goes to the bar and asks if anyone interesting is in the bar.
GM(ME): You see a man in Plate studying a scripture of Tyr at one side of the room while finishing off a beer, a scarred warrior standing next to you by the bar, and another Warrior studying a spellbook.
Barbarian: Ok, I ask for 3 Drinks, one for myself and my Brother, and I take the other over to the man reading the tyr Scripture.
ME: ok, you hand your brother his beer and head over to the cleric, what do you see
Barb: Whats a nice cleric like you doing in a bar like this?
ME
Rest of group: start laughing!
Barb: :oblivious: what did I say
Cleric: :replies: Did you just try to pick my character up?
Rest of party including me: Laughing for the next 10 minutes
That poor barbarian couldn't pick up his greathammer without making people giggle
(The party is tracking down a gang of trolls in a desert in the warmest time of day in those parts.)
Anastrianna: OK. Am I the only one overheating here, I don't think I can stand it anymore...
Olway: Well... You could take off your clothes.
Anastrianna: Never mind, I don't think I'm that hot.
Olway: But you are.
Anastrianna:
****
(In this story, Anastrianna and Falamier are sitting in a tavern, awaiting the results of a draw for a new house)
Announcer: And the house goes too... These lovebirds! *He gestures to Anastrianna and Falamier*
They both blush, due to meeting a few hours ago, though Falamier has a secret crush on Anastrianna.
Falamier: *He rises up and casts Fireball onto the stage, and it hits and kills the announcer*
The crowd stares and doesn't move.
DM: Well, It seems in case you haven't noticed, your not lawful good anymore.
This made the club laugh for five minutes stright.
I learned many things from my time in the City of Towers. Particularly how fething slippery the sides are when it's raining. - Gayad the Fighter's journal when his teammates finaly find his splattered corpse at the bottom of the huge fall (They looted him).
Fething, eh? Reader of Gaunt's Ghosts, or Dan Abnett in general, I see.
Homebrew world with anthropomorphics and humans as races.
Our party consists of:
Croq (Level 3 LN Cleric Kobold, An initiate evangelist)
Krek (Level 3 CN Bythan Barbarian, initiate of the "Mafia")
Drakasath (Level 3 LN (Started NE) Human Dragon Shaman, initiate of an order of dragon worshipers)
Errum Umnokerr (Level 3 CN (Started N) Sabbem Wizard, initate of the Library of Trilingu and the above order or Drag. Worshipers, Me)
Situation 1:
BARFIGHT! World famous barfight that is, and we are in the dead middle of three stories of drunks and bouncers tipsy off of our rear ends.
I make the checks to be able to cast a spell and I choose grease, 20 drunks fall on their bums and I laugh before taking another sip.
A bouncer comes over to take us out of the bar for reckless actions (Apparently they have the ability to deal 2d8 unarmed damage a pop), I get the bright idea to cast enlarge person on "the kitty". One amazing grapple, one amazing strength check, and one large damage roll later 2100 lbs of kitty hits the first floor and crushes 6 people to death.
Now "the kitty" (Note: Drunk, Raging, Enlarged, and Powerfully Built) peals one of the people off of his back and begins to knock people unconcious with a dead guy.
3 Rounds later I'm the only one of our group standing, so I cast another grease but this time on my self. With a cry of, "You're Never Gonna Catch Me!" I escape a grapple and run my skinny butt to the nearest door.
Unfortunately one the the bouncers crits his AoO and knocks me bouncing and sliding around the room. My last word before falling out of reality is, "TILT!"
Situation 2:
We are protecting a "caravan of exports" past a city that is basically run by the guild of policemen.
Drakasath and Krek both try to talk their way into the main HQ of the town's guild, but they are snubbed off.
So I get curious, I wait for my friends to leave so I can conjure an image of some nasty creature I remember seeing nearby and I complement it with all the normal sounds it would make.
I run at the door screaming my lungs out for help. So of course the guards take one look at me and they dive into the HQ.
(I can deal with this its okay folks.)
I run up to the door knock on it as hard as I can while the disturbing sounds of a slaughter begin to rise. They guards open the door after a few seconds to find my body torn to shreds with a pool of blood. The guards turn pale and bend down to inspect my corpse. As they touch it, it fades and they realize the trick I've played.
They turn to see that I am standing at the corner of the building. They draw their weapons, point them at me, and say leave now scum. I reply, "As you wish." and my form flickers away with my laughter filling the area.
And that my friends is when I embraced chaos. (And in my opinion is how chaotic should be played) All it cost me was three castings of silent image and ghost sound.
Me: I cast...
DM(interrupting): Swift Haste, Hunter's Mercy, take a Move to aim and make 1 shot... roll.
Me: I was... but now I'm going to cast Arrowmind and run into the fray.:evillaugh
DM:
Here's one I wasn't part of...
(My ranger is exploring around an Orc-infested castle, the Duskblade is tending a wounded party member...(keeping an eye on him...))
DM: You hear orcs approaching
Chris(Duskblade guy): Is that me?
DM: Yep
Chris: Ok... I draw my Kenblade
*FFVII soundtrack playing in background plays the victory tune at this point...*
DM: Yeah, wekll... we already know that's going to happen... but roll initiative anyways.
Me and Chris:
rouge: I search the door for traps
me: uh huh, that's great. I walk through the door.
DM: *rolls* you get hit in the chest with a spear.
Me: Oh. That kinda tickled. Is there anything in the room?
And so forth. So then, later on...
me: I walk down the hall
DM: you fall down an eight foot deep pit trap with a shallow pool of acid on the bottom *rolls for damage* *smiles with satisfaction, knowing that the continued acid damage while my barb was trapped would really teach me not to be careless*
me, planning my escape: Well, I have my ten foot pole and some rope, so I... wait, did you say it was eight feet deep?
DM: yes
me: Because that's, like, one foot taller than my character, remember? He just reaches up and pulls himself out.
DM: oh, right
The Basic Plot
A small logging and mining community at the southern edge of the Icewood in Karnaath has been plagued by mysterious magical ocurrences. The Domovoi (FROSTBURN) that once protected the town have been killed by hyperintelligent scheming rats, severl of the towns most important people have been found suffering from the debilitationg effects of Bestow Curse in the morning, hunters have been going mad and eating their companions, dragonmarks have been appearing like crazy, a mysteious being of light has been seen wandering the forst, Satyrs have turned the local brothel into an armed camp, and living spells have prowelled the edge of town, freezing anyone caught outside the walls after dark.
Desperate to hold his fief together, but suffering a limited budget the local baron has hired a Kundarak warding specialist and a few bodyguards form House Denieth's Defenders Guild to protect him as her personally tries to save the town by tackling its attackers one by one.
Cast
Jemia d'Denieth: gestalt Sorceress/Dragon Shaman/Dragonmark Heir (going for Cataclysm mage.) A young mystic with a powerfull connection to the Three Dragons, she finds she can sense some of the meaning in dragonmarks, and they reat strangely to her auras: hidden marks appear and exiting marks sometimes shift when she touches them.
Duck: Jemia's mouthy cat familair.
TR-307 ("Trundle"): An NPC warforged gestalt Fighter/Scout who once specialized in guarding magically-enhanced logistics trains. he is now indentured to House Denieth, works as the muscle for the Denieth team.
Kai d'Kundarak: An NPC dwarf gestalt Artificer/Rogue/Dragonmark Heir who specializes in magical traps and seals.
Sir Cerik ir'Cyrvor: Minor lord-knight (gestalt Fighter/Knight) of a small town, desperate to protect it he's hired Kundarak and Denieth agents on the pretense of warding his home, while actually bribing, cajoling, and splitting treasure to help him eliminate local threats.
1. The Catacombs
The town of Frostglade has a network of catacombs underneath in that most of the current resident aren't even aware exist. The PCs discover a secret passage in the local temple that leads to a long-forgotten segment of the tombs. Cerik's ancestors were paranoid... there are secret doors into local crypts, the inn, the windmill, even several local peasants' basements. After the eighth search check, Jemia gets a little punchy.
Jemia: Gods! Another Secret door?! You had an obsessive complsive in your family didn;t you?
Cerik: Several, actually. Most of them spent a lot of time in the family basement fiddling with magic. Disintegrate spells, I'd wager.
[Seveal minutes later...]
Jemia: Oh fer'... Another secret door?! Insanity wasn't their only problem!
[Even more minutes later...]
DM: This corridor looks to be another dead end.
Jemia (OOC): The Hell it is!
[Again...]
Jemia: Cripes! Another one! Insanity doesn;t just run in your family does it?!
Trundle: It practically gallops! :D
Cerik: Hey!
Jemia: *Gives Cerik an ugly look*
Cerik: ...yes... yes it does.
2. Differences in Alignment.
The Party is ambushed by a squad of ogres working for the Ogre Mage BBEG. After a severe dust down, one ogre gets knowcked out rather than just killed.
DM: Kai, weaponless and cornered, not to mention emboldened by his (accidental) heroics thsi far... decides to do soemthing crazy. He balls up his many-ringed fist and *rolls some dice* diving under the ogre's club, ploughs it strait into the Ogre's groin. between the shock of the blow and your whelm spells, the giant simply faints.
Jemia: About time. *Switches to vigour aura* Cerik? Cerik are you all right?!
Cerik: Remind me never to do that again.
Trundle: What should we do about this one... it isn't dead.
Jemia: What kind of a stupid question is that?! Kill it!
Cerik: I don't know... I mean it's one thing to take a foe down in battle. It's a completely other to kill it in battle. It doesn't stand with chivalry to me... Then again, I donlt have a gaol that could hold him. Perhaps it would be better if... *leans against a tree and gazes out into the forest*
Jemia: *makes a subtle gesture to Trundle*
Cerik: ...No, that wouldn't work either. Blast these moral dilemmas... Perhaps if i pray to the Six, they will...
Trundle: *sidles up to the ogre, lifts point of sword...* <> There. No more dilemma.
Cerik:
Kai: It was best this way, trust us.
Cerik: but... he was helpless...
Kai: Well it was either that or we could have crippled him. :P
Jemia: Working for House Denieth makes all kinds of dilemmas avoidable. :D
3. Bad Fantasy.
After being badly ground down by a Icegaunts, a Marzanna (both from FROSTBURN), a chill metal trap, a bloodsucking Glastig (MMIII) being hounded by a wendigo (FF) in less than 48 hours, the PCs finally reach a final destination only to find the BBEG (an Ogre Mage Sorcerer) waiting for them.
Ogre Mage: I'm sure some of you thought you were in a bad fantasy novel: That I would send wave after wave of well-equipped and incompetent minions after you while waiting in my Dark Castle for you to come kill me, well rested and well-planned... Wrong! I'm here now, and you're dead. *blasts them with his cone of cold, rolls poorly, all party members roll exceptional saves.*
DM: I guess initiative is in order.
Jemia: My turn *blasts ogre mage with her breath weapon, deals maximum damage, OM fails his save.*
Ogre Mage: Uhh... *casts defensive spell and starts to fly away*
Trundle: And mine! *shoots OM in the groin, critical hit!*
Cerik: You won't escape! *hits twice for max damage with composite longbow*
Kai: Take this with ya! *Beans OM with a fire trapped bottle.*
Jemia: Or better yet, stick around *Webs OM*
DM: the Ogre mage, pulling arrows out of himself sees your spell coming amd begins to writhe madly in midair to dodge *rolls save* which only leaves him stuck in a baroque position suspended over the river.
Ogre Mage: Curses! We'll meet again! *gaseous forms the heck out of there*
Jemia: Hey! Thought you said this WASN'T a bad fantasy novel! "We'll meet again!* pfft! Unoriginal
"What did you hear?" said the rogue.
"Sounds like a rock." said the barbarian.
Fething, eh? Reader of Gaunt's Ghosts, or Dan Abnett in general, I see.
Quite! And Antihero for Hire, the origin of that quote.
After the soul of the party's dwarf was accidently transfered into our elven druid... she was not pleased.
(The party is tracking down a gang of trolls in a desert in the warmest time of day in those parts.)
Anastrianna: OK. Am I the only one overheating here, I don't think I can stand it anymore...
Olway: Well... You could take off your clothes.
Anastrianna: Never mind, I don't think I'm that hot.
Olway: But you are.
Anastrianna:
Barb: Whats a nice cleric like you doing in a bar like this?
ME
Rest of group: start laughing!
Barb: :oblivious: what did I say
Cleric: :replies: Did you just try to pick my character up?
OMFG!!!
That was just fantastic! More! More! More!one, from my epic wu-jen/barb/FB/dragonfire adept, trapped in some prison. "I cast giant size, frenzy, and breath radioactive fire."
two: the party is rushing a kobold BBEG(note, I am the DM)
Party: "there's no escape, foul lizard! Submit or die!"
kobold: "people, people, I think you're forgetting something"
fighter: "the vile creature lies, he has no chance, CHARGE!"
As they step forward, they are diced by scythes, burned by flames from the walls, and dropped into a pitfull of black lotus extract.(note, they did not die, I know what I'm doing). They then hear the kobold's voice from above: "and that something, folks, is this: I'm a kobold, and let that be a lesson to you."
three: my wizard against an ettin BBEG, and he's a monk.
me: "you know, those fists of yours are not going to help, it's just not nearly enough to kill me."
ettin: "pah! I am more than strong enough to kill you where you stand, I need not your flimsy weapons!"
me: "oh well, I guess you don't need this than. A pity, but it's your loss." He then disintegrates an illusory +5 keen holy vorpal greatsword of spiffy kickass.
Ettin: :OMG!
Me: "did I do something wrong?"
Four: my troll barbarian/FB and a halfling rogue versus an illithid.
Me: *frenzying* " I pick up the halfling, and shoot him at the illithid with my bow"
DM: "I'll just treat that as a bull rush, using the FB's strength for the check, okay?"
Me: sure*rolls 20*
DM: o-kay... roll a to hit roll to see if you score lethal damage
me: 'kay*20*
DM: umm...crit?
Me: *20*
DM:insta-kill?
me: *20* this is getting silly...
I proceeded to roll 5 more 20s straight after that, just to see how uber it would be.
DM: this cannot be happening... oh well, the halfling is shot from the bow with a mighty roar, and rockets through the shocked illithid, whizzing out the other side, he then swerves around the room, tearing through the illithid's ogre henchmen (great cleave with a halfling is fun!). He eventually falls to the ground, stunned and covered in gore.
Me:
holy what happened? Oh well... that was fun n quick. By the way, the halfling was shot, and therefore qualifies as ammunition, right?DM: yes?
me: according to your house rules, that means the guy, umm... "breaks".
halfling: :OMG!
*looks to the sky* why god WHY?!DM: hmm... fine, I'll call it off this time, mm'kay?
halfling:wheee!
To those of you who are wondering, yes, the die in question now occupies a self-made shrine in my house, only to be used for BBEG fights:D.
To those of you who are wondering, yes, the die in question now occupies a self-made shrine in my house, only to be used for BBEG fights:D.
I'm not surprised, the odds of 9 20s in a row is 1 in 3.60288x10^71
The monk and barbarian (Who's black) decided to get rip-roaring drunk. By the end of the night they have nearly destroyed 13 out of the 15 taverns in town, and is totally freaking drunk. The monk has 8 woman with him, and woman who walk by would stop walking to join him. Finally the monk askes the barbarian "hey, lets go to that tavern!"
Barbarian: No, I hate that one. It's darker then me....
Monk: o_O What? But its the Wesley Snipes of the taverns!
Another one. The wiz/cleric of Velshroon. (CN with evil tendencies, nobody in the group knows whom Velshroon is, as they keep failing know: Religion checks. The cleric just murdered a bum and stoled his head, and has generally done some evil deeds in secret. The pc iis in the Torm temple talking to a cleric. The half-orc paladin was just in earlier, and the converstation come up about him.
PC: He is so chaotic and strange. A half-orc paladin of a elven god...
Cleric: Yes, I don't trust him. You can't trust people.... sometimes they're evil, and follow dark and evil gods, a evil inside of them that is brewing in secret, just waiting to burst in a unholy fire of total desctruction...
What was funny was that it went over the PC head that the npc was talking about him in a strange way. (Not really, he was just being racist towards the orc, but funny nonetheless!)
"It doesn't matter if it's arcane magic, divine magic, truenaming, incarnium, binding, or even artifice. To the guy on the receiving end of that lightning bolt, it still hurts."
meh. I thought it was funny.
Me ( a human Bard) and my friend (Jenny, a elf Wizard) did and interogation on a friend of the victim while our friend the Barbarian was at the bathroom.When he came back he sayd: I have an idea ima go see the friend of the victim! So he went and knocked at his door. The man awnsered and sayd:
Man: eh... yes, how may i help you?
Barbarian: I have some questions for you!
Man: your friends already interogated me an hour ago
Barbarian: so what, i wasnt there, awnser!
DM: On either side of you flows a river of liquid ice.
Player: Its called water.
DM: No its different!!
Player: when ice is liquid its water.
Me(not thinking): That is as impossible as walking through air.
Both:Wow what is this all around us then??
So this time, his revived campaign is going to be just like his old one. Except for one very important thing. It's now a Psionic campaign. Wild Talent as a bonus feat to everyone, and you're encouraged to make psionic characters.
Seeing as how I was never much of a psionics fan (and the other players didn't really need me there, metaconcerting astral constructs and everything), I declared my intent to not play. But...
Me: "Let me know how the game goes, so I can put it onto the Best Lines Ever thread."
My exact words. ;)
My DM and a fellow player had this conversation:
DM: On either side of you flows a river of liquid ice.
Player: Its called water.
DM: No its different!!
Player: when ice is liquid its water.
Me(not thinking): That is as impossible as walking through air.
Both:Wow what is this all around us then??
Oh, man. *groans* If I ever said something like that during a game, I'd have to shoot myself with the hammer-gun.
Our campaign was coming to a close, and we decided to say good-bye to our characters. Movie style! We all got to say what happened to our characters. Of interest is Captain Jack Crouseau, a hexblade who happened to be a pirate.
"Captain Jack Crouseau eventually tired of a life of piracy, and retired to open a tavern - Cappy Jack's. His rivals always seemed to be plagued by bad luck. Cappy Jack always could curse like a sailor."
.
GROOOOOAN!
and WHAP! Oh GAWD I ought to smack you for that!!!
Oh, man. *groans* If I ever said something like that during a game, I'd have to shoot myself with the hammer-gun.
Lol yup my DM doesnt think things out, and I just dont think
I WANNA COOKIE!!!!!
But it doesn't count in you cookie. It's a phantasmal killer spell disguised in a cookie.
This and "Sayings and Lines" should be merged.
DM: You see this black cloud come closer. Inside it are dark shapes, and you think you hear a scream.
Me: I'm attacking the darkness!
Only we laughed at that, and then realised what nerds we were.
[INDENT]"I laugh in Abbysal"[/INDENT]
What's that sound like? :evillaugh
[INDENT]"I laugh in Abbysal"[/INDENT]
I was playing an Astral Diva once (Geshtalt monster class lvels/cleric) and she was sensitive about the fact she couldnt fly yet (wings were big enough at level 4) so whenever someone commented about it she hit them and swore in abyssal. the only opne who knew what she said was the illithid ^_^
GROOOOOAN!
and WHAP! Oh GAWD I ought to smack you for that!!!
Hey, at least he wasn't Captain Jack Bird, with a penchant for asking where the rum is. And actually, as I'm now DMing, he's proving to be quite a good NPC. As a bar owner and former adventurer, his place is a good one to stop and stay. Especially with ties to the current PCs.
Anywho, another line, this one from a prominently CN party. And by CN we mean *****hole; translation: it's an evil campaign with less slaughtering because you're evil. So it's a bunch of self-serving PCs.
Discussion about the party warlock (leaning toward CG):
P1: Is anyone bothered by the fact that the only one here with a moral compass makes deals with demons?
Everyone: No, not really.
P1: Yeah, me neither. That's what scares me.
Surprisingly, the party holds together pretty well. NOTE: this is not the party I'm currently DMing for.
Half-Dragon Ranger/Fighter/Blackguard of Tiamat (me)
Half-Orc Barbarian/Warrior of Darkness
Half-Orc Barbarian/Eye of Gruumsh
Human Cleric/Vermin Lord
Doppelganger Rogue
Medusa
We also had a Gnome Rogue/Samurai and a Human Wizard, but they were too non-evil to fit in our group...
In a forest, searching for some goody two-shoes elves:
DM: "Ok, make Spot checks everyone."
Me: "23"
DM: "...you don´t see anything special."
Me: "...I climb up a tree."
Everyone:
Later, we found a red wyrmling and a dragon egg whose mother had been slain.
Red Wyrmling: "Where´s mommy?"
Me: "Eeh... she´s not with us anymore."
Red Wyrmling:
Me: "You´re Chaotic Evil, you´ll get over it."
My friend who is the usual DM and who's house we always play at calls us up since we havent played in a couple weeks and tells us he wants to run a whole new campaign.
So we arrive at his house one by one and once we all get there we notice he has none of his D&D books out, nor his bag of holding fulling of dice, let alone anything D&D related and this is the conversation.
Him: Everyone there will be no more D&D at my house, or that involves me. Between my Fiancee who hates the game, work, and being forced into joing the National guard...its over.
Everyone:
Him: Naa just kidding we're playing
Everyone:
jerk!Him: no but in all seriousness, its done, please leave.
Me (without even thinking): The Kobold Child* put you up to this didnt she!
its over, no more D&D
*The Kobold Child refers to his 7 month old child who I swear is a Kobold wearing human skin because she has thrown more then 1 sharp object at my head, and got it stuck in there
Strogg (barbarian with 5 int): Me put the all into perform interpritive dance
Hexblade: WH.... never mind I am better off not knowing
in that same campain
NPC wiz who we are like 10 lvs below: you fail to protect my carrivan, destroyed the artifact I wanted and killed the driver, do you fools even know what you have done!!!
monk: look it was not our fal...(interupted)
ranger: you know what, I am sick you BLEEP BLEEPEN wizards bein such BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP (INSERT HOSTILE REMARK HERE) BLEEP, and if you are so great why do you even hire us you.....
the ranger never finished that sentince, and the rest of us where teleported into the wilderness with none of our belongings, and no clue where we where.
Swashbuckler/Drunken Master states that he's going to attack the person we're talking to (after prompting from the rest of us), moments later he utters the sentence: "Guys? Can I hold my surpriseaction?"
We had to point out that since his action initiated the combat, he'd be first to act regardless of how far he delayed.
He died in that combat
Barbarian
Fighter
Bard
Ranger
Monk
Sorceror
Cleric of Bast (me)
First adventure, we wind up being attacked in camp by goblins. Not liking this, we wish to repay the favor:
Fighter: We can't let them get away with this!
Barbarian: Yeah. And they could have stuff.
Bard: OK. Let's follow their trail to their lair. {looks at Ranger} Hop to.
Ranger: um... I don't know how.
Party (and DM): WHAT?
Ranger: I only have one feat. I didn't take Track.
Cleric: Dude. You're a Ranger. You get it for free.
****************
time passes
****************
During a heavy fight with the goblins, nearing the end of the night:
Fighter: Hey, you planning on Raging anytime soon?
Barbarian: What, now?
Fighter: Rage. You know, class ability - extra strong - more damage?
Barbarian: I can do that?
Fighter: What, you thought Illiteracy and d12 hit die was worth not having all the bonus feats?
Barbarian: Yeah.
****************
Final fight with BBEG
****************
Bard: Man, this sucks.
Cleric: Why?
Bard: All I am is a 1/2 rate Rogue. I don't even get sneak attack. What the heck can I do in this battle.
Cleric: How about using your Bardic Music? It grants a to-hit bonus, at least.
Bard: I can do that?
By this time, the cleric (me) snaps.
Cleric: WTF? Are we from the island of misfit toys? A barbarian that can't rage; a ranger that can't track; a bard that doesnt sing. {turns to Fighter and Monk} Which one of us is the Charlie-in-the-Box?
its over, no more D&D
Sorry to hear that Krompt, but I'm sure if you ask around the boards here you'll find more than a few people who can make Intimidate checks to convince the DM, Kobold, and fiancee to continue. I won't, however, say anything about the content of the aforementioned Intimidate checks ;)
In news on my gaming front, after an encounter involving the graft-laden familiar of a Fleshwarper gnawing on the back of our proclaimed Cleric of Kick-Butt (A Sacred Fist), and the several rounds that ensued with the Warforged Ninja and the Cleric doing all they could to hit the thing let alone get it off, we have decided that in D&D, Weasel is more than an animal species: It's a FREAKING EXPLETIVE :D
Cleric: WTF? Are we from the island of misfit toys? A barbarian that can't rage; a ranger that can't track; a bard that doesnt sing. {turns to Fighter and Monk} Which one of us is the Charlie-in-the-Box?
That sounds like some of our games, but infinately worse.Trav: "So what happens if you bang a silver dragon? Do you get an egg or give birth?"
DM: "Well, if you bang a silver dragon and she transforms back, she lays an egg and you get a half-dragon from it."
Trav: "Oh."
DM: "If a silver dragon bangs you, well, you just get hurt."
Trav:
While our new-to-D&D ninja tries to buy supplies:
Dan: "I want to buy poisons. Here's a list of what I'm trying to get."
DM: "Okay, how much money are you going to spend?"
Dan: "Um... 56 gold pieces?"
DM: "FIFTY SIX GOLD?! You're going through the worst parts of town trying to find someone scummy enough and with the right connections to find all these things, and you're going to offer that guy 56 gold pieces? Dude, he's going to slit your throat!"
Dan: "Right, that's why I always have the rogue try and get all my stuff for me."
Later, while riding through the mountains, our party comes across a stone giant. Let me rephrase that. Our level 3-4 party comes across a stone giant who announces his presence by nearly slamming the poor fighter off his horse with a huge rock. The DM made it very clear to us that in order to overcome this encounter, we just had to survive, then reminded us that horses have a 40 foot base movement and there's a straight path past the guy. Hint, hint.
Yeah right. The wizard and cleric go nova and the giant decides that rather than stand around and get whacked all day by spooky spells, it's going back to the lair. We take off in hot pursuit. After 4 rounds of climbing...
Gahread, the wizard: "I cast grease at the cliffside."
The giant fails its reflex save, and that's when we notice something very critical. One of the party members is right below it, having laborously climbed up in pursuit of the giant. Oops.
DM: "You see a large shadow approaching overhead. It's a giant ass. Literally. Reflex save!"
The rogue makes his save, dives off the ledge he's standing on and tumbles down the mountain a little ways.
Everyone else had been racing up a path to beat the giant to the top of the mountain. Our fighter is trying very, very hard to become a paladin but he still has a few issues with his chaotic side...
Trav: "Can I get down at him?"
DM: "He's 30 feet below you. There's no way you can get down there in one round unless you jump off the mountain."
Trav: "No problem. I flip my shield over my shoulder, take my sword in two hands and leap down at him. By the way, does that count as a charge attack?"
Rest of the party, watching their tank attempt suicide by stone giant:
:OMG!
Trav: (OOC) "What? Every time I try something amazingly stupid, it always works out. I always roll high when that happens."
Other players begin helpfully pulling out d6s.
Amazingly, Trav made the attack and took minimal damage from the fall. The rest of the party was able to disable and finish off the stone giant before it could turn around and use our fighter to invent golf.
I'm a bit of a skill-*****. My party is beginning to realize this. During that same encounter, our ranger asks me, the wizard, a question about the giant we're facing. (!)
DM: "Do you have knowledge nature?"
Vash, the ranger: (OOC) "He has knowledge yeah, that too. Of course he has knowledge nature."
DM: "Okay, you need a DC 29 to find out stuff about the stone giant."
Gahread: (OOC) "Damn, missed it by one!"
DM:
Can't wait until I can crank out a few skill-boosting items! :D
Homebrew world. Players from various countries brought together for diplomatic mission. I play a knight (Sir Ian MacHeath. Knight of Resilience, Order of the Wolf) that simply must introduce himself to people, especially at the start of each combat. The party Ranger is from a country that split off from mine during the goblin wars.
[We are fighting a demon horde that has gained entrance to the catacombs underneath a cloister. I have been sent to fetch the High Priest.]
Me: "I am Sir Ian MacHeath. Knight of Resilience, Order of the Wolf. It is urgent that I speak with the High Priest."
Clerk: "I'm sorry, but you need an appointment."
Me: "I am Sir Ian MacHeath. Knight of Resilience, Order of the Wolf - and I have a loaded crossbow. It is urgent that I speak with the High Priest."
[Party moving through forest. Goblin ambush is set up ahead.]
Ranger: "I am moving slowly, making Spot/Listen checks as I go."
GM: "Ok. Roll Knowledge(nature)."
Ranger: {obscenely high number}
GM: "You hear a bird noise that is not native to the area."
Ranger: "Bird Noise?"
Me: "Yeah: 'MOO!'"
[Party in pitched battle with goblins when the goblin leader call for a stop. He and his entourage move forward to meet with us.]
Goblin King: *speaking goblin* "Our customs only allow for treaties with other tribes."
Ranger: *speaking goblin* Do your customs say if the tribe must be goblins?
Goblin King (after conferring with advisors): *speaking goblin* "Not as such."
Ranger: *speaking goblin* "Then we are the 'Red Hand' tribe. You have seen us prove our worth in battle. I, as the tribal leader, wish to make a treaty with your tribe."
The GK accepts, and we are invited to treaty talks later that evening.
Rogue (as the GK leaves): "What did you say? Why are they leaving?"
Ranger: "I told them that we are the 'Red Hand Tribe.' We are invited to treaty talks this evening."
Me: "I knew it. How typical."
Ranger: "What?"
Me: "You Galorians are all the same - see a goblin army, form a country."
Ranger: Hmmm, we need a plan...
Barbarian: How 'bout me smash?
Wizard: Hmmm, I know barely any spells aside from ones that burn things...
Cleric of Erynthul (me): Out of curiousity, where do these fire giants use the toilet?
DM: ER, over there...
Me: Hmm, Quite. I change into a wolf and indicate that the others do so to.
All: We do.
Me: I hide in the poop pit.
DM: Er, Ok.
*Giant comes along*
*Giant pulls down pants*
Me: For Ernynthul!
*My character jumps up and bites the fire giants flabby tushy*
Fire Giant: Roarr
Me: Does it contract lycanthropy?
Dm: *rolls* yes...
Me: It worked! ;)
Cleric: WTF? Are we from the island of misfit toys? A barbarian that can't rage; a ranger that can't track; a bard that doesnt sing. {turns to Fighter and Monk} Which one of us is the Charlie-in-the-Box?
I think I'm from the Island of Misfit Toys.I have no one to play d&d with,I can't afford the core books and I think d20's are non-existant where I live.
Speed Demon{Me}: "So... Katherine broke up with me on thursday..."
Bodyguard {My best friend, who realises I'm pulling stuff from reality}: "Really? I'm sorry to hear that..."
Speed Demon: "Eh... it's no big deal... I mean... it's not like I really NEEDED her for anything..."
Bodyguard: "Hey... Mankind has many needs, and one of the strongest ones is the ceed to cuddle."
{The great thing was that nobody else realised that I had actually lost my girlfriend a few days prior to the game... XP}
Ranger: (Rolling for his last shot, rolls badly again) Damn.
Everyone: What kind of ranger are you?
DM: You fire your last shot, and squarely hit the edge of the target. Again. A small child pulls on your shirt and asks, "What kind of ranger are you?"
---
(In the same archery competition, me, the party rogue, has just won)
Grog (half-orc rogue): "And now, for my next trick, I will throw this apple into the air and shoot it." (OOC
And probably miss.DM: Roll for it anyway.
Grog: (Rolls spectacularly high)
DM: You hit the apple dead-centre.
Grog: "Oh yeah, go me."
---
Cleric: Okay, I go up to the dwarf and talk to him. Um... um... (Does a Fonz impression) "'Eeeeey!"
DM: He responds with the universal adventurer's greeting: "Eeeeey!"
Cleric: Can I change my name to Fonz?
DM: Sure.
And from that point on every one of us greeted the other adventuring party with "Eeeeey!"
---
Grog: Alright, I search for traps at the base of the corridor. (Roll roll)
DM: You don't find anything.
Grog: "OK, it's clear!" I head up the corridor.
DM: You hear a click as you step on a section of floor and, up ahead of you, a giant boulder drops and starts rolling down the corridor... roll saves.
(We all successfully avoid the boulder.)
Grog: "Okay, nobody step on that."
(And then, at the top of the corridor...)
Grog: "Okay, everybody, stand back. I'm going to search for traps around the door." (Roll roll)
DM: You don't find anything.
Grog: OK, I head over to the door.
DM: As you approach it, you hear a click as you step on a section of floor, and get hit by a spell. Roll saves everyone.
Grog: I've got a good evasion, I should make it... (Rolls spectacularly low) Oh damn.
DM: You get hit by a spell and turned to stone.
Grog: I've been stoned. This is not my night.
Ranger: (Faking a drugged-out voice) You're really stoned, man.
Grog: (Similarly drugged-out voice) I am *sooo* stoned.
Cleric: Oh, hey, I've got Find Traps.
Ranger: Please, cast it. This guy can't find traps worth a damn.
Grog: (fume)
There were others, especially involving the wizard played by the player who always gravitates towards Neutral Evil ("I cast fireball at the other contestants!") but I'm out of time for now.
Paladin/party leader: So you're missing a few cows and you suspect it might be a band of orcs. Are you missing any other animals?
farmer: Yes, my **** is also missing.
cleric: *snicker*
Paladin: Your ****? Like a rooster? *glares at the cleric* Don't you have any others?
farmer: Well, yes. I would like this one back, though. It was a prize winning ****.
cleric: *Wisdom check to keep from laughing, fails, excuses himself as expediently as possible.* "Oh, the mirth of Pelor fills me!"
Of course, it didn't really help matters that the inn we kept coming back to throughout the campaign was called the Wizard's Knob.
Another player owned the chain of inns (>2 in each nation across the continent) called "The Rutting Giraffe". The story of the name is that our GM said we had reached "The Happy Boar" and we all shook our heads in disgust at the cliché, our GM suggested "The Happy Giraffe" and laughter broke out, but before we could continue the suggestion of "The Rutting Giraffe" came up.
Since, I've made the suggestion of "The Rutting Boar", which would have a sign picturing a 200kg heavy man wearing naught but a smile. Thankfully, I've learned to tune such pictures out of my mind. My group hasn't :evillaugh
The scene: I just rolled two natural 20's after about thirty rounds of combat. We are at a big boss showdown, facing off against (drum roll please), a half-fiend kobold. Believe me, this guy is tougher than he sounds.
The Result: I cleaved the kobold cleanly in two, with his body dropping to the ground.
Some background on my character: Adronis was a seargent in the land of Everdawn, who went slightly crazy during a fight with undead and rushed the necromancer that was controlling them.
Ok, so maybe this would be better suited for a best kill ever.... :D
edit: oh, and the character avatar for him is none other than that of Inuyasha. Who coulnd't imagine Inuyasha making a kill like that....
I was playing an Astral Diva once
So you were playing Britney Spears in Celestia or something?
I think I'm from the Island of Misfit Toys.I have no one to play d&d with,I can't afford the core books and I think d20's are non-existant where I live.
Try internet games. I've got a forum for a few: http://boardofq.jconserv.net
[edit'd to save me from copyright lawyers]
Try internet games. I've got a forum for a few: http://boardofq.jconserv.net
and if you realy try, I think you can -
You may want to edit that.
They have the SRD and psionics stuff and unearthed arcana.
"as you sit on the bench, gazing out at the village and its glorious fields of cabbage, you notice from the corner of your eye that the river seems to be rising unnaturally fast. You stand up just in time to see the dams rupture. The river seems to have changed color and taken on a life of its own, rushing forward towards the village in one gigantic wave.
As it pours towards the village, you see that the very ground, plants and animals below it wither, melt and die as the raging torrent passes over them. Soon, it reaches the houses, tearing them apart and melting them almost instantly, along with the inhabitants.
All you can hear is the screams of women and children, abruptly cut off as the wave engulfs them. Somewhere in the wave, you think you see some familiar faces. Before you is horst the rancher. Just as you reach out to help him, you stumble, and he stares forward in horror as he is engulfed and killed like all the others.
Within seconds, the village is in ruin, the screaming has ceased,there is no one left. The houses lie in ruin, as does the very earth around you. As the great wave of death closes in on you, there is only one thought in your mind: there's nothing I can do, it's over."
They survived by the way, but only by running away in time.
By the way, any ideas as to what it was?
answer
Fine, it's a colossal gelatinous cube, with a really huge amount of creative description.
Fine, it's a colossal gelatinous cube, with a really huge amount of creative description.
its a game where my Paladin keept failing to do his role but it wasnt HIS fault ... the party is this
Human Paladin (Me)
Elf Druid
Gnome Wizard
Dwarf Fighter
Half Elf Cleric
This was near the end of one battle ...
DM/You see the Dragon get rdy to aim at the children! with his breathe weapon
Paladin who hasnt taken damage yet ... : I Move in frount of the children to provide cover! and lift my shield up!
DM/(Makes rolls on the breathe weapon and finds out that the Paladin was able to provide cover for the Children but rolled VERY high) ok you provide cover but you take a lot of damage and make the save VS death from massive damage ...
Paladin/(Rolls) I got a 1 ....
Gnome/Wait dosnt he have Ring of blinking?
Paladin/... i do ...
DM/(Makes the dice rolls) Ok the Breathe wepon Misses you and hits the children and kills them all
after the battle we "Try" To explane it to the Temple of Pelor how we faild to protect the children even tho i used my self has a human shield but i still look spick and spine ... and gets out casted but keeps his LG alg and his paladin class ...
My campaign has the PCs as [totaly] evil vampires.
They've been spreading rumors about there being vampres in the area, and claiming to be vampire hunters. They then proceed to kill a hobo, tye a rope to him, and drag him to the roof of a building.
DM (me, wit staight voice): Ok, so you're on the roof, with a hobo tied to a lasso, about to throw him into a glass store...
Players: [hysterical laughter]
They survived by the way, but only by running away in time.
By the way, any ideas as to what it was?Gelitinous cube doesn't work. Try the Slime Wave spell. Much more like the description.
*the intire lvl 7 party submits, save the rouge/figher*
Rouge/Fighter lvl 7: "Ok, listen. I understand we're in a bad situation here, so howabout we cut a deal. I happen to have an Item of IMMENSE power in my backpack, if you let us go I'd be more than happy to give it to you as compensation..."
Drow Judicator: "Hmm, and If I choose to just kill you and take it from your corpse?"
Rouge/fighter: *quirks eyebrow* " You'll find Im quicker than you are, so getting out of this building won't be a problem for me, furthermore, should you try to pursue me my companions will escape."
Drow Judicator: "Hmm, Fine. Throw me your backpack"
Rouge/fighter *subconciously* "hmm, Those two crystals of elemental summoning are in my backpack.... and I didnt wrap them in anything soft"
.................
.................
*Laughs* "By all means Drow TAKE IT!"
*The rouge's backpack lands at the Drow's feet, the shattering of glass is heard.*
*Two large taint elementals burst from the pack, and destroy a section of the roof, which collapses on the Judicator*
..................
Cleric lvl 7: " Never thought Id be happy to see a pair of those things....."
They survived by the way, but only by running away in time.
By the way, any ideas as to what it was?Gelitinous cube doesn't work. Try the Slime Wave spell. Much more like the description.
Thanks, but it was mildly homebrew anyway. Besides, story>>>rules:D
2E FR campaign. Gnome with a sling, tools, 2m of cord, and a bag of tricks. BBEG with Protection from Normal Missiles running.
2 hours of heated debate later, the above line started the whole group giggling. DM allowed it.
"I see orcs in Canada."
If we put orcs in Russia, they fit in Canada too. Plus, Canada+America=Half orcs!
"So the Britsh don't hog the dwarves!"
Why the Dwarvish kingdom has to share borders with the "French" kingdom.
And on a different note:
"I can live with boobies."
GM (points to me): Rolph, in the downtime you discovered an ancient ruin of great power. You published a paper on it that was well-recieved by the scientific community, and you have been commisioned to explore the place.
(Pointing at the movie star) Pierce, you made a movie about Rolph's discovery. You played Rolph.
GM (points to me): Rolph, in the downtime you discovered an ancient ruin of great power. You published a paper on it that was well-recieved by the scientific community, and you have been commisioned to explore the place.
(Pointing at the movie star) Pierce, you made a movie about Rolph's discovery. You played Rolph.
that is both hilarious and a sign of a very clever GM. if your GM was here, I'd give 'em a
one from last night, from a RoleMaster game that's a mix of fantasy and sci-fi, reminding me about a character who'd been shot in the head repeatedly:
"some things just stick in your mind. like... shrapnel."
another time, the party was going through a jungle, when someone knocked a tree down on us, trying to squish us. my half-dragon monk made rolls to catch the tree without injuring himself or anyone else. now, we could see the person behind the tree who'd dropped it on us, and I was holding the tree, so I looked at the GM and said, "Am I proficient with a tree?"
After the third or fourth enounter, when the elf ran from the giant bugs yet again, the DM asked her why she keeps running.
Player: "I hate bugs, they're disgusting."
DM: "Well, sure, but you are playing a character..."
Player: "Fine. My character hates bugs just as much as I do."
Fighters and Paladins got call things like “canned dragon food”
And when retreating he would copy Bender and say “Kiss My Shinny Metal Ass!”
The party is running down a hallway from a bunch of shooters.
DM: They chuck a plasma grenade at you. You come up to a door. [to me] What's your action?
Me: Is the door locked?
DM: Yes.
Me: Fetal position.
*laughter, 5 perversity points awarded*
Other PC: I attempt to vaporize the grenade with my plasma pistol
Everyone:
Other PC: (rolls, nothing special)
Everyone adds perversity points to his roll. I add 5. Grenade vaporizes without exploding.
Lorin: Human Fighter/Cleric
Defining Characteristic: Zealot
Thalanel: Elven Wizard
Defining Characterstic: Sits quietly, gets amazing rolls and PWNS EVERYTHING!
Stan: Human Fighter
Defining Charactersitc: He is an agnostic...a worshipper of the deity Agnost. He also is REALLY paranoid. REALLY Chaotic Neutral.
Rurrik: Human Cleric (Now deceased)
Defining Characteristic: REALLY wants to purify everything!
Lee: Elf Rogue
Defining Characteristic: Kleptomaniac Miser! COMPLETELY UNSTRUSTWORTHY. Basically a bigger kender without the morals.
John Barleycorn A.K.A. J.B. (Me): Human Druid/Sorcerer
Defining Characterstic: Young naive guy, who thinks way too highly of himself. Brave when the odds are for him. A coward otherwise. Slowly becoming evil. His animal companion's name is Mr. Anderson, a Wolf.
Lines:
****
*In the combat where the monk is supposed to be introduced in a bad@ss fashion*
Monk: I charge the minotaur monstrosity and attack!
DM: Okay it attacks of opportunity you. *roll* It does 28 damage.
Monk: …I drop to -5
Party: :OMG!
(Later, after monk has been healed by the clerics)
Stan(With a straight face): Well, if you want join us then feel free, as I see you can hold your own in combat…
******
*Big monster that dropped monk is in melee with Rurrik*
J.B: I SHALL SAVE YOU!!! *casts produce flame into melee*
DM: You miss the monster but you hit the cleric…
J.B.: Oh **** *Roll…7*
Rurrik: I drop to -2…
J.B.: ….MY BAD!
***
Rurrick: I cast ressurection on his dragonhide platemail!
***
Stan: Okay…let’s go over this one more time. J.B. will charge around the church and lure wights over here. Then Lorin and Rurrick will stand on either side and use turn undead. This will cause them to panic and cower while the rest of the party just wails on them until they die.
Lee: But maybe I should go hide in that house and watch just in case something else comes out of the church.
Stan: I dunno, that might be a good idea. *ponders and looks down at the roughly drawn battle plan* Maybe if you-
J.B.: Time’s up, let’s do this! LEEEEEEEEROOOOY JEEEEEENKIIIIINS!!!!!
***
DM: You find a potion of protection from chaos.
Stan: GET THAT F*CKING THING AWAY FROM ME!!!
***
*wading through a sea of undead in said church*
Rurrick: Okay, me and Lorin will turn these f*ckers after J.B. goes…
J.B.: I cast obscuring mist!
Rurrick(OOC): NO! WE NEED LINE OF SIGHT YOU RETARD!
J.B.: Really? Oh, sh1t! I don’t do it then.
DM: Make an intelligence check.
J.B.: *Roll…1*
DM: Yeah you’re casting that spell…
Rurrick: NO! I yell at him to get him to stop!
DM: Roll to see if you beat him to it.
Rurrick: *Rolls…3* DAMN IT!
Lorin: I try too! *Roll…2*
J.B.(OOC): Come on everyone roll! Somebody try to stop me!
Party: *Rolls….2, 5, 3*
Stan: DAMN IT! F*CK! SONOVAB1TCH! *Slams fist on the table so hard that the d20 comes up 16*
DM: Okay…you get SO angry that you manage to forgo the laws of probability and stop him.
*party sighs in relief*
J.B.: Thank god, alright in that case I cast…
DM: But you spoil the spell and lose all your actions for this round.
J.B.(OOC): F*CK!
*Next gaming session*
J.B.: *starts humming the Indiana Jones theme*
Stan: Will you shut the hell up!
J.B.: But we’ll sound threatening and awesome!
****
J.B.: They’re demons out there?? I call the rogue in!
Lorin: No! They’ll hear you!
J.B.: But he’ll be screwed if I don’t do it!
Lorin: Yeah, he’ll be screwed but we’ll be okay!
***
Rurrick: I forgot turning works on ghosts!
***
J.B.: Did he just charge headlong into that maze??
***
*Ten minutes of painstakingly trying to remember which paths we took in the maze*
Rogue: *looks down at char sheet* Ah, guys…I have chalk.
****
Stan: Okay I know you’re claustrophobic…but what you’re going to do is get over it. Right now. Or else, you could get left behind
J.B.: Stan…I didn’t know you cared!
Stan: I don’t, we need your wolf to melee.
***
Stan: I check around the corridor…what do I see?
DM: You see a motionless body.
Stan(Paranoid of undead): I run up and coup de gras it!
DM: Alright, you do that. Then you turn around and see the vampire that was standing beside it.
Stan: But I looked around the corner with a mirr-Oh, you sonovab1tch…
***
Thalanel: *Does about 24 damage to the vampire*
J.B.: OH NO WAY YOU’RE GETTING THIS KILL! I CAST FIREBALL!
Party: *laughs for a few seconds…then realizes I’m serious* :OMG!
DM: But it’s a 15 by 15 foot room!
J.B.: I know! BURNINATION! *Rolls…max damage*
Vampire: *makes save!*
Party: *Fails saves*
J.B.: …my bad!
*1 round later*
DM: J.B., your magic missle drops it.
J.B.: YES! I ROCK!
Stan: Alright that’s it, I attack the druid.
Lee: Yeah, me too
J.B.: *Laughs…then realizes they’re serious* :OMG!
****
DM: As you run from the dragon…you see a man running by you, toward it, roaring a battle cry.
Thalanel: Can I take an attack of opportunity to trip him?
(Later, after finding out that he was the king’s personal agent, and thus, uber)
Thalanel: So I guess tripping him would’ve been bad idea?
***
Thalanel: I cast light on Stan’s armor.
DM: Stan begins to shed a bright golden light…
J.B.: OH MY GOD!!!! A SUPER SAIYAN!!!
Lorin: OH SH1T!! What’s his power level???
J.B. and Thalanel: IT’S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAAAND!!!!
(This session)
Timmy(A scout filling in until Lee’s player arrived): I throw the rock ahead of me into the darkness.
DM: The body of water in front of you fails its move silently check.
***
*After rolling a knowledge nature check of 19*
J.B.: It seems that the dirt on the floor of the tunnel is old!
Lorin: That’s great, if you find some young dirt let me know so we can compare!
***
DM(To stan): How far can you get in 24 rounds?
Lee: I can get to 3rd base!
***
Lee: If I survive this, I am SOOO killing the druid.
Stan: Again?
***
Stan: Shut up J.B.!
J.B.: *Gives Stan the finger* When I get finger of death, this will mean something!
***
Stan: Do you realize why he wanted a glass rod?
DM: Yes, for sodemy.
***
Lee: It did HOW MUCH DAMAGE? That’s it, can I play as a gray ooze barbarian?
***
Stan: Sir! Sir! Are you alright? I warn you, if you don’t move, I’m going to coup de gras you!
***
DM: It's as silent as the Grave
Lee: So we here random moaning?
DM: Nope, you here quite regular moaning. You'd better wait until they're done.
***
Ogre: *breaks through the wall* OH YEAAAAH!!!
That's for now :p
Smeg that's a lot to read in one sitting...some most excellent quotes though :DNaturally, the room erupted with laughter. :D
Alot.
Therefore you are all officially Rogue-Mage approved!
Whether or not that's a good thing is still up in the air however. Roll your tumble checks.
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY GARDEN??"
Whereupon the fighter replied:
"Same thing your garden was trying to do to us, only faster."
Dwarven Fighter, shortly after encountering a Shadowdancer: How many shadows are there in the Underdark, anyway?
Elf Monk: Just the one.
Our duskblade (me, conlan) and soulknife (dante) were in some temple of a lawful good god who was apparantly an obsessive-compulsive neat freak (learned this from a Knowledge (religion) check), but the temple was in shambles and we decided to ask 2 priests about it.
Conlan: Say, I know you were recently attacked and all, but isn't this place a little messy?
Priest: We've been very busy lately
Conlan: I understand, but... hmm.. :lightbulb *pulls out his sword and holds it out in a presenting manner to the priest* would you mind taking hold of this for a second?
Priest: I'm sorry, I'm very busy
Conlan: Just for a second, I promise, that's all I ask.
Priest: Fine *grabs sword and he feels the temporary negative level set in and drops the sword back into my hand* that's.. that's quite an interesting sword you have there.
Conlan:
You see.. this is what's known as a holy sword.Priest:
We proceeded to attack them. I did 23 damage on my first attack with my holy short-sword/channeled shocking grasp and reduced him to -18. If you do the math, he had 5 HP.
He exploded in a fiery blast. :headexplo
Everyone else in temple:
:OMG!The other priest died after a round of roll-miss, roll-miss, roll-miss. Note that his AC was 10 or 11. :heehee
My party consisted of level 5-8 characters, there were about 8 or 9 of us there (big party, i know). This was our first 3.5e game (we'd been playing 2e and D20 modern mostly before) and we were running through a level 6 mod.
Our duskblade (me, conlan) and soulknife (dante) were in some temple of a lawful good god who was apparantly an obsessive-compulsive neat freak (learned this from a Knowledge (religion) check), but the temple was in shambles and we decided to ask 2 priests about it.
Conlan: Say, I know you were recently attacked and all, but isn't this place a little messy?
Priest: We've been very busy lately
Conlan: I understand, but... hmm.. :lightbulb *pulls out his sword and holds it out in a presenting manner to the priest* would you mind taking hold of this for a second?
Priest: I'm sorry, I'm very busy
Conlan: Just for a second, I promise, that's all I ask.
Priest: Fine *grabs sword and he feels the temporary negative level set in and drops the sword back into my hand* that's.. that's quite an interesting sword you have there.
Conlan:
Priest:
We proceeded to attack them. I did 23 damage on my first attack with my holy short-sword/channeled shocking grasp and reduced him to -18. If you do the math, he had 5 HP.
He exploded in a fiery blast. :headexplo
Everyone else in temple:
The other priest died after a round of roll-miss, roll-miss, roll-miss. Note that his AC was 10 or 11. :heehee
Whoa. Knowing a specific habit actually helped you notice something was off!
"4ft. Dwarf, 40ft. Reach" over and over and over.
Not to mention dangerous.
Now the PC's had no real 'medic' types, the closest they have is the T'sa Scientist (via d20 Past class) with his little Cure Minor Wounds device (that's right...50 charges, 1 hp each).
So when he got unexpectedly...uhm...changed, he went to his local doctor for help and/or advice.
Enter the Sesheyan medic known to the PC's only as...
THE WITCH DOCTOR!
-Take 1-
T'sa: My scales have changed color, I was in a cacoon, I have a horn, and all-together I feel sluggish! What should I do?
Witch Doc: Do you want to be cured of your condition?
T'sa: Maybe...how would you do it though?
Witch Doc: First, if there was an airlock, I'd kick your scrawny tail into it and open up the other side sending you into the cold void of space.
T'sa: But that'd kill me!
Witch Doc: But that'd cure your condition.
T'sa: Of being a mutated T'sa?
Witch Doc: Oh...no. Of being a living breathing T'sa. I just figured you'd be easier to deal with if your dead. Less work for me that way you see.
-Take 2-
T'sa: When I contact the Empire, I'm going to ask them to nuke that planet! Or industrialize it... What would you do?
Witch Doc: Let your people come. Then I shall crush them, see them driven before me, and to hear the lamentation of the females. And then I'd smack you in the head.
-Take 3-
T'sa: I NEED HELP!
Witch Doc: You keep asking, I keep offering, but in the end you're nowhere near dead!
-Take 4-
T'sa: Why are you always so mean?
Witch Doc: Actually in my home village I was given the title, 'Nicest Wise One Since That Last One Threw Rocks To Cure Headaches'.
God: Can you accept what the race of the drow has done? They are EVIL! They must all be destroyed!
Me: Bull. You're racist! You just hate black people, you frikken' honkey!
"Enemies are merely friends you haven't yet learned to get a long with yet"
Hector the Fighter:
"Or that you haven't stabbed enough yet."
"Congratulations. You just sank a fricken aircraft carrier with Create Water. I hate you all so very much."
I wanna here the story behind that!
After burning a group of hill giants to death he takes out a cigarette and lights it on the smoldering bodies.
"Man, I love the smell of fireball in the morning."
Level 1 campaign, Cast was Me, Elf Female Ninja named Lia (this plays an major focus on alot of these quotes), an Elf Male Knight named Quistax, and a Human Warlock(his name escapes me so we will call him Bob).
Beginning, Port Town in a pub--Me and Quistax know each other (we're over 130 years old each), but we dont know the warlock and are getting to know him and I keep refering to him as the smelly human in elven to Quistax.
DM- Listen Check *glances at me and Quistax from knowing that was a bad call to ask for*
Me and Quistax- 29 (at level 1)
Bob-..2..
DM- Lia and Quistax your ears are so sharp you can tell the number of gold in the patron's gold pouches, the sounds of a bad knee, and 2 rats in the attic doing..things. Bob,you hear the sound of your own thoughts.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
After several hours we get a boat and head to a set of chain islands heading to the next area. We end up getting a job for an extremely overweight halfling Apple Grower (he's over weight but an apple grower..), the job is to clear out the area under his apple grove..because it seems foul. We begin to clear it out..the very first room the warlock who we learn is a freaking kelpto (I think thats to spelling)..worse then a Kender..he steals ANYTHING..including an animated door, candles, wood dishes, spices...and my sledge hammer.
Bob- I steal the forementioned tapestry from the walls.
DM- 2 medium sized Monsterous Centipedes crawl out of a hole from behind the tapestry and attack, surprise round (*drops the warlock to -1 on the first attack*)
--2 rounds later--
DM- One of the Centipedes tries to run past both of you in fear (we both deal over 10 damage with our attacks), As he runs..Quistax you slice it Vertically from the midsection but it keeps running, Lia your longsword slices it Horizontally from mouth to the end where Quistax's sword is still in the ground..Bob your face catches one of the legs of the bottom front half of the centipede in your nose, tripping it.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
After exploring more of the dungeon we get into a fight with water elementals, and since I rolled very well (18 dex+2 for being elf, and 18 Wisdom=AC 19 without armor), things seemed to be missing me..alot..Now remember I'm a female elf, and we are currently on a halfling infested island. After killing our 3rd Water Elemental, each attack they made against me would miss and they would basically just splash me.
Me- God I want out of this dungeon...and back to the inn..now
Bob-Why?
Me- I'm soaked to the bone, I'm wearing light blue, I'm a female elf on a male dominated Halfling island..oh ya..did I mention I'm soaked?
Bob- But I thought all female elfs were suppose to be we--
Me- *rolls a natural 20 and slams a Sai into his kneecap, rolls an 18+2-4 and beats his AC slamming a zombie kobald head into his mouth then puts it back into sack*
Bob-right..got it..*limps back to the inn quickly*
Quistax- Jeez calm do--*begins staggering as well after getting hit with a spade*
Me- I put my sai back into its holster, the shade back into the sack, and walk back to town quitely.
_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
This was a general idea of what we did, the kelpto did various things including trying to steal holy symbols from various temples, bribe commoners to give him money, hit on an entire bar full of female halflings, Stole a halfling piano, and get me in the process of haggling over the price of an item (which I think I'll post below),and bribe me not to keep telling people he had an entire bar full of women turn him down heh.
_-_-_-_--__-___-__-___-(the Pawn Shop)--_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-
Bob- I want to sell this +1 Rapier enchanted with Shocking (we found)
Pawn Shop Guy- Well..I'll give you 400 Gp for it.
Bob- hm...*roll roll roll* I think you should give me 2,000 gp for it
PSG- 750
Bob- 1950
PSG-1000
Bob- 1500
PSG- 1,250 and 5 Silver, thats my final offer.
Me-...1,000 Gp and I'll give you this Zombie Kobald Head
PSG- 1,750..and you keep the zombie head.
Me- 1,500, Throw in a potion of minor healing, and I'll throw in the zombie head
PSG- 2,500 Gp..7 Silver..and 12 Copper, you keep the zombie head, I keep the potion, and you leave my store right now.
Bob- Deal.
DM: you're identifying that cloak?
Player: yes.
DM: all right, this is a Cloak of Resistance--
Player: against the Borg?
We were being asked to pay for entry, when one of the rogues started to b.s. his way through things, making the guards nervous and trying to intimidate them by throwing around his "rank" with them... After a few minutes, we were surrounded by 25 town guards... The rogue's player said "They're town guards -- what's the worst they could do?"
Well, the guards were trying to intimidate us into paying, and started drawing their weapons. The ranger decided this was the time to go insane, and wound up shooting the leader with his bow in the head, killing him instantly. Well, it was game on from there! The other rogue quickly turned his horse around and fled, but NOOOOOOOO, we had to be idiots and fight! The one rogue found out about the worst those town guards could do... ;)
It took them two rounds, but at the end of that second round the remaining rogue was faking death, the pit fighter was disembowled, the ranger took a halberd to the head and was now looking as brainless as his actions sounded, and my swashbuckler was now surrounded by 22 town guards... The death was not pretty... ;) Before I died, I attacked and shouted out "Long live the Revolution!", forgetting that these people we were fighting WERE the revolution! Oh yeah, was a most glorious team wipe...
Paladin: Ok, we need to negociate our exit.
Rogue: Negociate? These are goblins, the only thing we can negociate is if we end up crispy or with seven spices.
Monk: I think we'll have to fight out of this situation
Me: (Ponders for a moment, see a small road in the middle of the goblins smashing themselves)... Okayeveryoneducknowfireball!
Five minutes after we were chased by the two tribes.
Paladin: Why did you had to do that!?
Me: Well, it work didn't it?.
I have to say that everyone who has posted here is one reason why I so want to actually start playing D&D. I only hope that my group is as strange and demented as everyone elses.
welcome to the conspiracy. our long term goals are to take over the white house and change the american pass time from baseball to dnd. we also strive to find those responsible for the dnd witch hunt and make them pay for stunting our growth by forcing them to play and enjoy it. bwahahahhaha
welcome to the conspiracy. our long term goals are to take over the white house and change the american pass time from baseball to dnd. we also strive to find those responsible for the dnd witch hunt and make them pay for stunting our growth by forcing them to play and enjoy it. bwahahahhaha
You left out turning Sarah Michelle Gellar into our personal sex slave, or was that plan B? :P
You left out turning Sarah Michelle Gellar into our personal sex slave, or was that plan B? :P
I don't know theres enough of SMG to go around man... a lot of people play DnD...
And when D&D becomes the national pasttime...thats gonna be a whole lot more...I dont even wanna think about it..
That's what the cloning is for, silly.
I call dibs on someone else.
Meh.
Quote from today's session:
"I am Dein, and I will kill you now."
"The Dein I've been hunting?"
"Yes."
OOC: "I finished my mission, found him, don't I get XP? I need that level to kill him."
Draxx, my Half-Dragon character, after a female Vampire came on to him.
Before we get down to the task at ahnd, let's take a minute to introduce the band:
Cazial: Elf Ranger/Order of the Bow Initiate/Duskbow, responded to the eradication of her clan in a goblin raid by wiping out every goblin in Cymbr.
Dara: human Warlock, set up a false identity while running away from an arranged marriage to a psychotic, she is now the ruler of a small feif.
Spinoozle: gnome Druid/Barbarian/Scout, a neophyte of the great druid order interested in attaining power, magic items, and fame in a realm where druids. His past remains a mystery to his allies.
Mad River: human Paladin/Psychic Warriror/Cryokineticist the daughter of a beggar and town drunk, River is both psychic and drawn to paladinhood, but didn't understand what her visions or impulses meant, and it drove her mad. With the party's help she's trained her powers and found some mental balance. (NPC: Dara's Retainer and Castellan.)
Dungeon Vandalism
The PCs are navigating an ancient set of catacombs made by the Bleeding Suns goblin tribe, the ones who wiped out Cazial’s clan, and whom she wiped out in turn about six adventures ago.
Dara: This complex is massive, and complicated. It must have taken them years to carve all of this.
Spin: Wait, I though goblins didn’t have the skill or culture to make this kind og thing on their own.
Cazial: These are spec. ed. goblins.
While exploring the dungeon’s temple-room dedicated to Maglaubiyet.
Dara: Isn’t it bad enough we’ve wiped the race out in this country. Are you sure you want to go desecrating their god’s altar?
Cazial: I’m just amending their history on the murals.
Spin’: It’s not like she’s urinating on the altar.
Cazial: No, but what an idea.
Dara: :OMG:
Later on the party discovers the mummified remains of the Bleeding Suns’ greatest chieftains.
Cazial (OOC): I’m gonna’ collect up all the jewellery on these mummies, as quickly as I can. I mean like, I’m not going to feel too bad if any of these bodies get damaged or anything.
DM: You walk up to the first body and yank off the jade neklace causing a cloud od dust as the head tears off and rolls over to Dara’s feet.
Dara:
Cazial: What? I’m just claiming some treasure. It’s not like I’m killing their babies anymore. I’ve come a long way since then!
While wandering a tunnel with a written history of the Bleeding Suns’ wars.
Spin’: And then Cazial kicked their
Cazial: Ooh! I like that! Prestidigitate that into the paint on the walls.
Spin’: *waving his fingers around* Good a use as any for it … Cazial… Kicked … Their…
…There!Identifying Treasure
Spinoozle generally wears armour out of STORMWRACK because it is strong and flexible and doesn’t violate a druid’s strictures. He has been looking forward to finding our what the magical sharkskin armour they found on a seafaring foe is.
DM: …and the sharkskin armour is +2 wild armour.
Spin’: Great, +1 worse than what I already have. I need to enchant some better carapce armour.
Cazial: What is it with you and putting dead fish all over your body?! Is this some kind of sick fetish?
Spin: I have to wear non-metal armour!
Dara: Riiiight….
When you Use Ambiguous Grammar…
The Brethren of the Wyld Cross are contemplating the best way to break an old ally the pirate king Bad Captain Madman (for the Eric Clapton fans out there, yes he has dealt with a pair of crazed gnome artificers named Pressed-Rat and Warthog.) As usual Spinoozle is looking at ways to make use of his myriad Druid spells.
Spin’: Hey, I have a spell called animal shapes that could help. It all turns us into an animal of my choice. We could turn into something small that wouldn’t be noticed and climb over the wall.
Cazial: Ummm…
DM: He means, and I’m sure spinoozle would have conveyed it somehow that you each turn into a separate instance of the chosen animal.
Cazial: Oh… whew! I though I might end up as a rat’s
. As in “I couldn’t give a…”On discussing why I respect my players.
DM: Serously, I appreciate the fact that nobody’s playing anything too incredibly stereotypical. Dara is kind of a plain Jane, and not too manic for a warlock and Cazial… a macho, horribly scarred she-elf is way cool. I mean, I’ve gamed with players, male and female, who play female warriors who go around in Teela getups, you know… chainmail teddy and thong…
Cazial (OOC): A chainmail thong?! Ow!!
Dara: it could be worse… imagine a studded leather thong!
General Crassness
Here’s some generally weird banter that came up when discussing how well a magically metal bar would hold up.
Cazial: I’ll give it a test, does it look like it would survive if I sat on it.
DM: No, it’s pretty brittle.
Cazial: (OOC) Cazial only weighs 93lbs. Plus only about 10lbs. Gear. Are you sure?
DM: Yes. It’s that weak. It would bend under an elf’s
.Dara: That’s pretty pathetic.
River Returns
The party at long last returns to their keep, after several months have passed, and discover their lands in a tenuous peace with its neighbours and beset by a dragon. Their Bailiff/Sheriff/Castellan Mad River, and source of ill-thought bon mots, is out when they return, but comes home from a Bandit hunting expedition the next morning.
DM: You hear one of your guards shout “River’s back!” Open the gates for Mistress River. She strides in still in her chainmail babydoll and massive hat, despite it being the dead of winter. She’s carrying an unconscious bandit over one shoulder. When she looks up at you a huge smile spreads across her face and she slings the bandit to the courtyard floor!
River: *hugs Cazial* Hey guys! I’m sooo glad to see you! *turns to bandit*
Stay Put. *back to party* We were worried. Last we heard you chased some kind of demon into a portal to the lower planes. It’s good to have you back.Dara: It’s good to be back! It looks like you kept my lands pretty peaceful.
River: Oh! It’s been a little tricky, but we’ve managed! You should see the dungeon! I managed to fill it up for you! :D
Dara: So I gathered. What’s this one in for?
River: Oh, he’s part of Seamus the Muskrat’s new gang.
Spin’: How’d he get out?! Wasn’t he in Baron Sor’s dungeon when we left?!
Dara: The operative word’s a BARON SOR’S dungeon. Scumbag probably let him out. Where is Seamus now?
River: Oh, if I knew that he’d be in your dungeon. I’m hoping this guy will talk. *turns to bandit*
Und vee haff vays of makink you talk! Schweinhund! *giggle*Cazial: It’s good to be home! (OOC): I’m glad she’s not too sane, after gaining all those levels.
River: It is good to be home! Ooh! I LOVE your new boots! *starts talking about clothing and weapons with Cazial*
Dara (OOC): Out of curiosity how is the bandit acting?
DM: Actually, the bandit has finally plucked up courage, and has been edging a little away from river. When he gets about four feet away…
River: *hurls a ray of ice that freezes the ground between the bandit’s legs* One sec… *turns to bandit and encases her fist in a block of jagged psionically charged ice*
Am I going to have to hurt you again?Bandit: Whimper… help me…
River:
Silly bandits. I really ought to stuff this one in a cell. Be right back!Cazial (OOC): I LOVE Mad River…
The name Mad River sounds familiar. Do you know where that name came from by any chance?
She's named after and vaguely modelled on River Tam from "Firefly" and "Serenity."
Dear lord, Mad River is modeled off the sweet river tam? you..sick..sick..*shakes head in anger*
So you're not a Firefly fan? Or a really big one?
:evillaugh and now, one of my party's official motto, as stated last session:
"Blue Mage: anything you can do, I can do better a moment later."
(translation, when a sweet little girl turns into psycho killing machine :D)
(translation, when a sweet little girl turns into psycho killing machine :D)
I get the feeling Koji Suzuka thought the same thing once upon a time
(translation, when a sweet little girl turns into psycho killing machine :D)
well it doesnt really involve genetic tampering intentionally but you would enjoy the anime elfen lied
i feel really bad that i cant add to the lines right now. but i left my group in ohio when i moved to connecticut for school. *cries* i cant wait for june. its been 3 and a half monthes already.
Cast:
LG Human Paladin - Always on about protecting the innocents, especially the women and children
NG Dwarf Fighter - Loves his metal armor and his orange beard
CN Halfling Rogue - Very selfish, loves to hoard things
CE Elf True Necromancer – terrified of dying
DM – You wake up on a soft large four poster bed in a luxury room with soft silk furnishings, the golden sun has just started to rise, your clothes have been washed and pressed and amour and weapons cleaned, there is the scent of herbal tea in the room, you notice that a full breakfast has been prepared and is sat on the dresser, a soft music filters in from the courtyard. You feel extremely well rested
LG Paladin: :headexplo I go on a killing spree, starting with the Women and Children
NG Dwarf:
I Shave my beard, dye my hair green and go hug a tree and make daisy chainsCN Rogue:
I go and donate all my worldly possessions to the orphanage and offer to repaint their buildingCE Necromancer:
I hang myselfWhat caused such an extreme response from normally very good role-players?
The Adventure was called Groundhog Day
It was the 9th time they had woken up to the same day :evillaugh
DM –
I’m just trying to work out if one of you accidentally solved the puzzle meaning that the events of today actually happened Players –
:OMG! 
:surrenderHalfling PC: Is it a Fort or Will save to resist peeing your pants?
DM: “Okay, guys. You have some down time in town. What do you do?”
High-level Sorcerer: “I cast a magic circle against evil, focused inward.”
DM: “let me guess… for a planar binding spell?”
High-level Sorcerer: “Yeah. I call a Dretch.”
DM: “What? Why?”
High-level Sorcerer: “You’ll see.”
DM: “Fine, you summon the Dretch.”
High-level Sorcerer: “No, I call the Dretch. There’s a subtle but important difference.”
DM: “Which is?”
High-level Sorcerer: “A summoned creature can’t die, it just becomes unavailable. Calling brings a REAL Dretch here, so if bad stuff happens to the Dretch, it sticks.”
DM: “Your point?”
High-level Sorcerer: “I nuke the Dretch. I’ll use, oh, say, delayed blast fireball.” (rolls damage)
DM: (looks at the damage) “Congratulations, you just nuked an inconsequential demon from the lower planes.”
High-level Sorcerer: “Cool. Do I gain experience?”
DM: “I hate you so much right now.” (flips through the DMG) “No. As I suspected, it’s CR2 is inconsequentially low”.
High-level Sorcerer: “Fine. I cast magic circle against chaos this time. Then I cast planar binding again.”
DM: “What now?”
High-level Sorcerer: “I summon a Blue Slaad. A poor, unsuspecting Blue Slaad.”
DM: “I hate you. The Blue Slaad attacks.”
High-level Sorcerer: “It can try to break out of the magic circle, but first it has to make a charisma check of with a DC of …(checks his sheet) 33.”
DM: (rolls d20) “I hate you even more. The Slaad is stuck.”
High-level Sorcerer: “Disintigrate. Does a touch attack of 22 hit?”
DM: “You’re a jerk. You know that, right? The thing is large and can’t move. Of course you hit.”
High-level Sorcerer: “The Slaad takes 128 damage, unless it passes its Fortitude save, of course.”
DM: “What’s the DC again?”
High-level Sorcerer: “26.”
DM: (rolls d20) “I hate you. It dies. (rolls d20) It didn’t even pass it’s save against massive damage. You know, there’s no way you’re getting experience for this, right?”
High-level Sorcerer: “Absolutely, but I have spells to burn. Can you think of anything better to do with a spare delayed blast fireball? Besides, by the time I’m epic level this will really start to get on the nerves of some Demon Princes whose followers keep disappearing. It’s a perfect plot hook. You should thank me.”
DM: “I hate you.”
LG Paladin: I go on a killing spree, starting with the Women and Children
NG Dwarf: I Shave my beard, dye my hair green and go hug a tree and make daisy chains
CN Rogue: I go and donate all my worldly possessions to the orphanage and offer to repaint their building
CE Necromancer: I hang myself
Truename you are an evil, evil, evil being. In that light
DM: OK, the dwarf slashes his wrist open as he says a few words of power. Spell craft checks.
Caster1: crit failed. I think he's casting create water.
Caster2: 13 pass?
DM: no.
Me: Nat 20. Does that pass?
Dervish: Of course the emo kid gets this. Hell, he probably can cast this spell.
Slinker: So this is it then? The last time we'll see eachother alive...
Lordan: There have been worse times, I can certainly name a few
Slinker: I'd really...really rather you didn't
Beldar: If all else fails at least you know we'll catch up on the outers
Morganth: You're assuming we all get there, some of us aren't human*
Delvar: Despite all our differences, I can't help but think life will be pretty dull without you dirt crawlers around
Beldar: Better than being a dirt raker, midget meat
Slinker: What am I? Chopped liver? Everyone gets a informal nickname and I get 'Slinker'? What do I count for anyways?
Morganth: The world, Richard, you count for the world.
Lordan: And a fair trade it couldn't be, this world and next combined...they wouldn't even come close to the bonds that tie us
Beldar: And yet, I'd still trade it all just to have them
Delvar: Because even dirt crawlers can make some pretty darn good allies
Slinker: Truer words were never said. Seriously, why is all this coming out now?
Morganth: Slinker, we're just going to miss you is all...
#Room fell totally silent as the DM skipped to Slinker's hanging#
*(Indicating himself, Morganth was predominantly human-esque but we never found out exactly what he was, we knew from divinations he had a lifespan over 1000 years)
We'd played those characters together for over 2 years straight, gotten really attached in our roleplaying (A level thereof I haven't seen since), and in all couldn't really ask for more every week than just to see them hanging out in some unnamed tavern busting some unnamed bandits and swigging back some unnamed hog swill. That was the only session we ever played background music too, the song always brings us right back to that night, the night the party started falling apart after so many campaigns (We'd hit 71st all around, there really wasn't that much left for us)
Man: yarrr, what ye be needin'?
Me (Elf Ninja): Gasp! the most loathed enemy of my class!
Set up - our party has broken up due to an earthquake. The characters are split into 2 groups with conflicting personalities. ie gnome rogue and human paladin, (my fav.) half orc barbarian and dwarf wizard.
The barbarain and the wizard are wandering around in a forest when the pass a small hut with an out house.
Wizard - Ah a place to rest, we should go see if anyones home
Barbarain - OK but first me got to go bathroom
Wizard - For the love of it man, theres a outhouse right there
Barbarain - *shakes head* me not go in there
Wizard - well why not!
Barbarain - Me heard one time about big shark that killed entire ship crew. Theres water in there, Sharks live in water
Wizard - WHAT! Sharks only live in salt water!
Barbarain - thers salt water in there
Wizard - Your such a @#%* stupid orc.
Set up - Party is in a town were a female spellcaster is performing some tricks, after a wile our dwarf wizard challenges here to a spell due. After long spell duel the dwarf loses.
dwarf - #@%*
Gnome Bard - Don't worry i got this one dwarf... SHES A WITCH!
Barbarain - BURN HER!
crowd starts to roit
Truename you are an evil, evil, evil being. In that light
Of course I am, I'm a DM :D
Hope you don't mind, I'm adding you to my ego pad
The party had got past a swamp and defeated two bog giants to get to the ancient crypt of Carnagus, a powerful half-orc vampire, when this happened at the end of the crypt's first level.
Me: You come to a large stone gate with a large lock.
Grag: Grag want smash gate!
Dralix: Grag, you already smashed the last three doors, let Flanrith take care of that one.
Grag: Aww, but Grag likes to smash things...
Flanrith: Oh don't worry, Grag, you'll soon get something to smash. Now, I'll take care of that gate.
The pseudodragon starts to open the lock on the door.
Flanrith(OOC):*Rolls dice* Does 17 make it?
Me: Yes, you hear a click and the door is now unlocked.
Flanrith: Yes, I opened it! Grag and Bubo, push it open.
Bubo & Grag: We open!
Both roll strength checks and manage to open the door.
Juveer: Let's go inside!
Me: You come to a vast hall that is about 200 feet long and half as wide. You see that the hall gets deeper at the middle and raises at both ends of the hall. The ceiling is 50 feet above the higher ground and the lowest point is about at 20 feet lower than the higher points. There are several torch-like sources of light at the walls.
Flanrith: Everybody wait while I check for traps.
Grag: No, Grag has no time to find trapses. Grag go!
Dralix: No, Grag! Wait.
Grag: *runs to the deepening* Grag in rush!
Me: Grag, roll a listen check.
Grag(OOC): *rolls* I got a 15.
Me: Grag, you hear a 'click' sound as you step on a trap.
Grag: Oh friends, Grag step on something!
Dralix: Stupid oaf!
Me: Everybody notices now that the tiles on the walls are moving.
Bubo: *runs to help Grag* Bubo help friend Grag!
Me: You see holes in the walls. Everybody roll spot checks.
Grag rolls high, Bubo rolls mediocre but succeeds, Dralix rolls high, Flanrith rolls below mediocre but succeeds and Juveer rolls high.
Me: All of you notice that there are now humanoid creatures in the wall-holes. The creatures now rush towards you with their hands reaching for each of you. I rolled a knowledge(religion) check for Dralix and got a 19.
Dralix: These creatures are zombies. Stand guard!
Me: Everybody roll for iniative.
After few rounds of combat, this is what happened:
Juveer: It's no use. There are simply too many of them.
Zombies: Braaaaainss...
Flanrith: Wait a minute... Grag, grab Bubo.
Dralix: WHAT?
Bubo(OOC): WHAT THE HELL?!
Grag: Grag get Bubo. *succesfully grapples the brain golem*
Flanrith: Now Grag, throw Bubo at the zombies and lets get the hell out of here.
Grag throws Bubo right at the zombies and everybody else just ran for it. Needless to say, the brain golem didn't hold on for very long against about 50 zombies.
Bubo's player after the session: :headexplo
Everybody else:
Hehe, Half-Illithid Goblin Paladin. :D
1) Me: So, you're playing a Swiftwing Shifter Ranger. What's your name?
brother: U63r 1337!
me: Sad thing is, that name could work for a warforged.
2) After defeating a bunch of kobolds, we decide to interrogate the lone surviving kobold. Several diplomacy and intimidate checks fail. Upon a natural one, I (DM) announce, "He gives you the finger." Uber leet (aka U63r 1337) in response slams him into the wall, putting him into negative hit points (for the third time!). After reviving him yet again, I decide not to roll for diplomacy/intimidate. Their actions should've scared him enough. They learn nothing other than his name - Meepo. Uber leet adopts him as a pet.
3) At the next session, Uber leet decides to DM. Yes, I know DMPCs are bad, but there were only two non-DM players. Uber leet throws an iron golem at us.
Me: Iron golem?! That's challenge rating 13! We're only level 2!
And we still won. Signs of a good DM: you can avert what ought to have been a TPK. Signs of a bad DM: you have no clue what the stats are for an iron golem. So you give it 15 HP, AC 13, and DR 3. And a BAB that means it only hit one time - when Meepo's Energy Shield aura would deal the 2 damage needed to kill it.
- - -
Ah, the hilarity. Now the cast (you may see it again).
U63r 1337: Swiftwing Shifter Ranger. Wears a dueling cloak that resembles a black trenchcoat. Likes to wield crossbows. Saving up for a repeating crossbow that looks like the one from Van Hellsing (the movie - think machine gun). Sometimes a DMPC.
Blondie: female human druid with a wolf animal companion. Sound familiar? It's the typical female player's first character - or so I've heard. Chosen by the player because she is obsessed with wolves. Name because the player has too many blonde moments. Represented by a troglodite figure.
Bronks: Blondie's wolf animal companion. Represented by a skeletal wolf figure.
Qui'elle: Kalashtar Soulknife. Paranoid conspiracy theorist. Likes kobolds because they can teach him much about trapmaking. Sometimes a DMPC. Represented by a Lidda figure.
Meepo: Kobold Dragon Shaman (blue). LN. Has already received a minor cloak of displacement, granting a 10% miss chance (nothing else). Uber leet's "little buddy." Beloved of everyone, though they had tried to kill him. Communal NPC/DMPC.
By the way, yes, the D&D Basic Game set is our only source of figures.
Blondie: female human druid with a wolf animal companion. Sound familiar? It's the typical female player's first character - or so I've heard.
BAHAHAHAHA OMG SO TRUE.
The setting: A pickup game after the convention is officially over in one of the attendee's hotel room. We have all whipped up first level characters to run an intro adventure. Our characters have made their way through the house of a wizard who has stolen an acient staff, into his secret underground chamber. At that point we also had learned that the wizard had been tricked by his familiar, a raven, into stealing said staff and that the wizard is now dead at the hands of the local BBEG
As we move to retreive the staff, a tiny voice (presumably the raven familiar) shouts out "You can't have it! It is mine!"
I still don't know where the line came from, but on impulse, I had my rogue call out "Aw...Does the pretty bird want to keep the pretty stick?"
Turns out the familiar wasn't a raven, but an imp in disguise, who indignantly replied "I AM NOT A BIRD!" and proceeded to focus all of his attacks on my rogue. My rogue barely survived and learned an important lesson there. Never annoy a devil, not even the tiny ones.
Wow, that doesn't sound anywhere nearly as funny as it was when I did it. I guess it was one of those, "You had to be there moments"
DM: My brother filled the role. Remember U63r 1337 and Meepo? Yeah, he's now DM.
Mushu: a PC who's not particularly PC (politically correct). A 6-ft tall, Asian Budhist who's inexplicably CN. A fighter specialized in the spiked chain, he's motivated only by a love of battle.
_____: Sorceress played by another friend. LN, doesn't have a name. Pet cat familiar, known only as "Kitty." In other terms, no name yet either.
Qui'elle: me. A kalashtar soulknife. Also a paranoid conspiracy theorist thanks to the secret war with the Quori. He's off on training.
----
The sorceress has made a really high spot check to find a chest. Knowing it could be trapped, she sends me check it out, since I have more HP.
Qui'elle: [rolls a 3 on the search check, no modifiers.] I just fling the box open, and a moment later declare, "That was not a good idea . . . But I'm OK!"
Sorceress gets a potion of Eagle's Splendor, an Elixer of Love, and a suicide potion. DM decides she can throw the elixer of love to affect someone. She can then use a bluff check to convince the target that the suicide potion is something quite beneficial to drink. I get 5 gp from her for risking my hide. Though OOC I knew the DM wasn't ready to throw traps at us.
As you can tell, this is quite a hack-and-slash game. And with the mercenary aspects, I think Mushu and sorceress will soon move from neutral to evil. However, the DM has decided he's not ready and I'll be DMing now (I already was effectively a co-DM).
I fear for my masculinity. My first was a male elf druid with a wolf...
Haha, mine was a minotaur. Sucker.
Ok, I managed to get my siblings interested in a game of D&D.
1) Me: So, you're playing a Swiftwing Shifter Ranger. What's your name?
brother: U63r 1337!
me: Sad thing is, that name could work for a warforged.
2) After defeating a bunch of kobolds, we decide to interrogate the lone surviving kobold. Several diplomacy and intimidate checks fail. Upon a natural one, I (DM) announce, "He gives you the finger." Uber leet (aka U63r 1337) in response slams him into the wall, putting him into negative hit points (for the third time!). After reviving him yet again, I decide not to roll for diplomacy/intimidate. Their actions should've scared him enough. They learn nothing other than his name - Meepo. Uber leet adopts him as a pet.
3) At the next session, Uber leet decides to DM. Yes, I know DMPCs are bad, but there were only two non-DM players. Uber leet throws an iron golem at us.
Me: Iron golem?! That's challenge rating 13! We're only level 2!
And we still won. Signs of a good DM: you can avert what ought to have been a TPK. Signs of a bad DM: you have no clue what the stats are for an iron golem. So you give it 15 HP, AC 13, and DR 3. And a BAB that means it only hit one time - when Meepo's Energy Shield aura would deal the 2 damage needed to kill it.
- - -
Ah, the hilarity. Now the cast (you may see it again).
U63r 1337: Swiftwing Shifter Ranger. Wears a dueling cloak that resembles a black trenchcoat. Likes to wield crossbows. Saving up for a repeating crossbow that looks like the one from Van Hellsing (the movie - think machine gun). Sometimes a DMPC.
Blondie: female human druid with a wolf animal companion. Sound familiar? It's the typical female player's first character - or so I've heard. Chosen by the player because she is obsessed with wolves. Name because the player has too many blonde moments. Represented by a troglodite figure.
Bronks: Blondie's wolf animal companion. Represented by a skeletal wolf figure.
Qui'elle: Kalashtar Soulknife. Paranoid conspiracy theorist. Likes kobolds because they can teach him much about trapmaking. Sometimes a DMPC. Represented by a Lidda figure.
Meepo: Kobold Dragon Shaman (blue). LN. Has already received a minor cloak of displacement, granting a 10% miss chance (nothing else). Uber leet's "little buddy." Beloved of everyone, though they had tried to kill him. Communal NPC/DMPC.
By the way, yes, the D&D Basic Game set is our only source of figures.
Wow, um this completly makes me want to stop trying to get my brothers to play dnd.... O_O'
Wow, um this completly makes me want to stop trying to get my brothers to play dnd.... O_O'
What? It wasn't that bad. Actually quite funny. And he's officially stepped down as DM. It's just that he's used to Halo and other adventure video games without any real level of RP. That and he didn't read the rules.
And to be fair, I'm the one who gave Meepo the cloak of displacement. Because my bro liked his "little buddy."
DM (Me): Yes
PC: You mean he (*Another PC) has a steady girl friend, we all have real jobs, and a house with a morgage?
DM: Yes... That just happened.
PC: Argh! My PC's D&D life is more real than my real life. Does this mean we have to plan our Adventuring around our jobs?
DM: Probably.
PC: But we already do that in real life.... This is too ridiculous. I'm leaving now. (Gets up and walks away)
Other PC: Wait, you still own rent!
Haha, mine was a minotaur. Sucker.
Pfff. At least I'm not compensating. :P
We were after this psion BBEG. There is a long story about how we got to this point, long story short, we really, really hated him and had spent months trying to track him down and kill him. He wielded a big, shiny major artifact sword when we fought him (he was lvl 17, we were lvl 16.). Anyway, after a long, hard battle, we killed him.
DM: Congratulations, you killed him.
Fighter's player: I cut off his head.
DM: Umm... Why?
Fighter's player: Because I can.
DM: Oooooookay...
Wow, um this completly makes me want to stop trying to get my brothers to play dnd.... O_O'
Then I shall console you. My best player is my 16 year old baby brother. He role plays, and knows the rules well enough... if only he could roll more than a 2 on a d20... :D
And since this is the best lines ever:
The great and wonderful Grandal, or so he calls himself with his wonderful 7 charisma, had just had a master artisan complete the crafting the clay body for the clay golem. I described it as an 18 charisma version of Grandal, and he comments "Ah, looks just like me!"
Upon completion of creating the golem, he gets these special smoke bombs to introduce his golem.
Grandal: I set a smoke bomb and release the golem from my bag of holding. "Behold! G-unit!"
NPC Canton (me): G-unit? is that something like G-string? Hmm, I didn't know you were into that...
Grandal: G-unit! As in Grandal-unit!
NPC Canton: Yeah, sure Grandal... just don't tell us what you with it when we're not around ;)
ensues :DMine was a dwarf.
I've always hated them elves.
My dwarf devoured things. Literrally.
DM-You see an orc.
battle ensues.
DM- Ok, Dulo-
Me- Yes?
DM- You get his axe.
Me- Can I have his head?
DM- Why?
Me- You haven't mentioned us eating, and our characters haven't eaten in 3 days. All we've done is rest, fight, and travel. DULO HUNGRY.
later...
DM- You see-
Me- Wait a second.
DM- Yes?
Me- Is it edible? In any way?
DM is slightly laughing- Define edible?
Me- Not holding weaponry.
DM- Yes.
Me- I run forward and take a bite.
Oh, 8 years ago.
I miss thee.
Blondie: female human druid with a wolf animal companion. Sound familiar? It's the typical female player's first character - or so I've heard.
Hah! The first character of our group's token female (heh) was a female human fighter.
My first character (in that same game!) was an elven paladin, playing alongside -- I kid you not -- "Bob the Barbarian".
Hah! The first character of our group's token female (heh) was a female human fighter.
My first character (in that same game!) was an elven paladin, playing alongside -- I kid you not -- "Bob the Barbarian".
Heh. A few months back one of my friends played as "Timmy the Paladin", whose mission in life was to calculate the last decimal of pi. Given his low Intelligence, he never completed it...
High-level Sorcerer: “Besides, by the time I’m epic level this will really start to get on the nerves of some Demon Princes whose followers keep disappearing. It’s a perfect plot hook. You should thank me.”
DM: “I hate you.”
Dramatization though it be, it wins.
"I can't believe you're making a vampire bomb to blow up satan!"
From my own table:
"My flying character is now over the wizard and is going to pretend that he's a pigeon over a statue"
DM:And here is Lady X(I can't remember her name, her hubby was sitting right next to her.) who cheated on her husband! *Looks at me, as it's my turn.*
Me: *Takes a big drink of wine* I helped her cheat on her husband!
I ended up lightning bolting her hubby and most of the other guests. :D
"Beware the porcine fury of my Nuclear-Powered Steam Pig!"
I have, however, figured out how to make one in d20. Apply the Titanic, Spell-Warped, and Effigy templates to a Boar. Then unload this against your favorite 15+ level party.
DM:And here is Lady X(I can't remember her name, her hubby was sitting right next to her.) who cheated on her husband! *Looks at me, as it's my turn.*
Me: *Takes a big drink of wine* I helped her cheat on her husband!
note to self: find a way to make this happen in my game. that's awesome.
"They've captured us! We have them right where we want them!"
Also said in said Eberron campaign, as to why a someone who hates warforged should listen to the warforged PC in the party:
"Because I killed a dragon, and you're squishier than that."
Calledor (me): Gentlemen, I think I might be able to put this in perspective. Do any of you speak Gnomish?
They: No...
Calledor: Ah. Well, in gnomish lands, they have a saying: (translated from gnomish)
They: Wait, I think I caught some of that... something about a wizard.
Calledor: Ah, you do speak gnomish.
They: Just a little.
Calledor: Well, essentially, it means that one should always defer to the wisest people present.
They: I don't see what relevance it has...
Calledor: Well, let me put it another way:
Village Warg guardians come out.
SWD: PUPPIES!
Said druid, at 1st level, managed to win over both Wargs so they joined with the party.
We're in the meeting with the generals of the opposing army, and it's not going well. Sooner or later, it's going to come to blows. My wizard can probably hold off the two fighters as long as their wizard is taken care of. I try to inform the party's gnomish rogue that it's time to take action:
Calledor (me): Gentlemen, I think I might be able to put this in perspective. Do any of you speak Gnomish?
They: No...
Calledor: Ah. Well, in gnomish lands, they have a saying: (translated from gnomish)
They: Wait, I think I caught some of that... something about a wizard.
Calledor: Ah, you do speak gnomish.
They: Just a little.
Calledor: Well, essentially, it means that one should always defer to the wisest people present.
They: I don't see what relevance it has...
Calledor: Well, let me put it another way:
Said bymy insectile Halfling rouge : "No matter how sneaky or bad tempered the wizard, a knife in the back will seriously cramp his style"
I let off a fireball, the cleric pumps himself, the ranger fires a couple arrows, and our humongous barbarian charges. The next round, a kobold hits him (a 20) and the guy laughs. He stops laughing when the kobold rolls a 20 to confirm a critical, and then another 20 to instant kill.
His last words were
"How the hell did that happen?"
We had to stop the session for a while we because we were all laughing our heads off at the guy.
"Hubris! Quickly, do something intelligent!" :P
Our DM's style's getting a little stale - at least once every third session, we'll open a door in some dungeon, or castle, or airship, or manor, etcetera - only to find yet another BBEG clapping slowly and sarcastically, saying something (in the same Stereotypical Villain Deep Voice) along the lines of "I knew you were going to do that."
Thus, it has become our Standard Opening Procedure on big-doors:
Buff like crazy, heal everyone but the undead, rogues hide, meatshield opens the door...everyone visible starts clapping slowly.
Do motions count as Best Lines?
Our DM's style's getting a little stale - at least once every third session, we'll open a door in some dungeon, or castle, or airship, or manor, etcetera - only to find yet another BBEG clapping slowly and sarcastically, saying something (in the same Stereotypical Villain Deep Voice) along the lines of "I knew you were going to do that."
Thus, it has become our Standard Opening Procedure on big-doors:
Buff like crazy, heal everyone but the undead, rogues hide, meatshield opens the door...everyone visible starts clapping slowly.
The Gnome Ranger (played by an inexperienced player) facing 10 orcs, and uncertain of thier strength fires a crossbow bolt and without a crit. drops it.
"OOoo they're squishy. I thought they were tough but they're soft like us."
While DMing a year or so ago I had the pleasure of throwing in this little encounter:
The party was meeting with their employer, a high lvl wizard who couldn't act on the mission himself because of political implications, For the story I had to make the wizard appear to get killed, due to an artifact one of the party members had recovered I was able to have the BBEG summon his shadow to the partys location to recover the artifact.
Me: A green mist begins emitting from the artifact, the mist swirls around and around getting darker until it finally stops spinning, before you stands what appears to be the shadow of a great demonic beast, it raises it's hands and summons (forget if they were gibbering mouthers or what but he summoned something) as the battle ensued and the party was clearly losing to the shadow even with the high lvl wizards help, the Employer tells the party to run and continue the mission. The party takes off through the streets of town the shadow ignores the wizard and gives chase since they have the artifact still. After a while of running through the twisted streets the party sees that while running from the shadow the wizard has managed to get ahead of the party and is now standing at an intersection holding a staff, waiting for the party to pass him. As they pass he commands them not to stop running....
As soon as the shadow got closer and the party got to a safe distance the wizard performed a retributive strike with his Staff of the Magi!
Player 1: So bye bye employer, hello looting his home
When they actually went to loot what they found was a case the size of a staff with velvet lining, and the imprint of a staff in it, a card in the case read,
"In case of extreme emergency, break staff"
Player 2: Ooh shoulda seen that coming
Player 1: Shouldn't it also mention the huge crator it leaves or the death of the staff breaker or something?
Not DMing this time...
The party enters a room and after dealing with the animated furnature and dopplegangers we look around we see that there are three doors to the room, the one we came in from, the one across the room and one to the side, we look at the one across the room and it turns out to be a fake door, so we look at the last door and here is the recount of our conversation:
DM: This door is a plain featureless stone door.
Player 1: Any locks or markings?
DM: No it's featureless, aside from the pentagram.
Player 2: Pentagram?
DM: Yea the Pentagram drawn with blood.
Player 1: You said it was featureless, now there's a pentagram drawn in blood?
DM: Yes a Glowing pentagram drawn in blood, possibly human, with arcane symbols around the edges.
Players: How is that a featureless door?
Raz is the counterpart to Pun-Pun.
This statement was the result of a motion that either Raz or Rickiel, for the sheer awesomeness he has added to this thread, be added to the pantheon of D&D Boards Gods. So please, support this movement. One member's vote is not enough to grant divine rank.
Omni
P.S. This was not intended just as advertisement. The statement is a pretty good line.
I was DMing an Oriental Adventures campaign,there was a ninja, samurai, monk, shugenja, and a barbarian in the party. Each player was chosen to "save the world" and each was given a mark upon their hand to represent each element. Eath, Air, Fire, Water, and Void.
While training to further their new found abilities this is what happened.
DM: each of your marks begin to tingle and take on a soft glow
Ninja: Ooc- I use my power !!
Shugenja: Ooc- Me too !
DM: to everyone, you see these two take on a pale glow and they pass out.
Samurai: was that supposed to happen?
Monk: I don't know, they don't seem harmed. maybe we should, we are supposed to get stronger and I don't see the harm in it
DM: the glow from your hands gets stonger and more persistant
Barbarian with an 8 INT score: Have - urge - use - Hand !!! (involintarily shaking his hand up and down)
The room was silent for what seemed like forever until I finally hit the floor in laughter
"Hey guys, let's stop by this inn, I have a feeling we'll meet a pair of new adventurers who will aid us in our quest!"
"What, so soon after our two friends died?"
(After the bard cohort got eaten, and The pirate Robert ran off.)
Me: I'm totally going to teach your replacement the song from the holy grail. The "Brave sir Robin" one, but with Robert. :D
Dread pirate: But he's my cohort. He won't listen to you.
Me: Will save. I charm the bard and teach it to him. And I probably sing it better than he does too.
DP: I'm so going to kill you.
Me: I'm glad I have unlimited charm spells. :D
DP:
Me: Brave sir Robert ran away. He bravely ran away away. :P
DM: And with that, your god grants you +4 intelligence, or whatever you need to get above a 10.
Paladin: Awww. That makes this character completely unplayable.
(And he retired him right away.)
Former Paladin: My new character is a monk. He attacks by genuflecting.
PC3: Like in that web book? I hate you.
Other game completely
Cleric: And thus, we head straight into the army of darkness. Where is my chainsaw.
PC4: I hate you so much. And you also need a fist full of boomstick. (I'm going to buy a rod of many wands with wands of sonic burst now. :P )
Me: I'm rolling up new stats.
DM: OK, but why?
Me: for when I inevitably draw imprisonned or something like that from that deck of many things next week.
DM: Good thinking.
Cleric: So why not draw nothing at all?
Me: It's a deck of many things. You can't just not take cards from it. That's like ignoring the button that says do not push.
Cleric: So if you know it's a bad idea, just don't do it.
Me: You're talking to the guy who wore an artifact bracelet of pure evil, just to see what it did.
New guy: You guys are insane. I mean, I know you said above normal power campaign, but this is ridiculous.
PC1: That's nothing. You should have seen this guy.
Me: I didn't do anything!
PC1: You had a blast radius. Calculated in light years.
Me: It was completely within the rules.
PC1: It was a fast action!
Me: Yeah...
And I had evasion. I'm glad the reflex DC was a 12.PC1: You really were insane in that campaign. I said no magic, and you got caster levels, and crazy guns, and a craft of epic... And you were level 7 in a no magic campaign. Why did I let you do all that?
Me: It was in the rules. And I told you I'd devote everything I had to making things have magic. :D Or rather, just me anyway.
New guy: So what happens now that I'm dead?
Me: We take all your items, sell them all, and maybe use the money we got to raise you back to life. We alternatively keep the stuff and buy ourselves something.
PC2: Can I drain his soul and use it to make items?
DM: It only works on non-humans.
Me: The guy is a lycanthroape.
PC2: Sweet! I try it.
DM: Not enough of him left. He's at about -70.
PC2: Awww.
New guy:...
Fact of our party... 90% of our party funds at any given time come from the stuff taken from our fallen comrades. I think that that is about all of my wealth in one campaign.
However, a brilliant quote from today's session would be.
Krall (Human Fighter): I go into the house.
Bing (Orc Barbarian): Bing do too.
Me(DM): Umm... you need to tell me the order.
Krall: I go in first.
Bing: No Bing do.
Krall: Well, do you want to face the obvious trap in the door?
Bing: Oh well, Bing walk through wall. No trap in wall.
They walk in, find the new player I was introducing, a warlock, whose character name evades me.
Me: The room stinks of death. A 5 ft bed is in the corner, along with a writing desk that has a skull on it and some equipment, obviously belonging to one of the two people hanging from a rope that comes down from the roof.
Bing: OOC: Wait a second. The last thing we see is two people hanging from the roof?
Me: Yeah.
Warlock: But I'm medium!
Me: The question is how many legs your character has left.
Warlock: Ok, I'm small.
Yeah, I'm kind of evil.
Later, the Warlock gets like a triple critical on his Verminfriend feat use so I let him control the swarm he just summoned. This is how I described it to the other players.
Me: You know how the warlock has pink skin? Sorta silvery chain shirt?
Bing: Yes?
Me: Well now it's black. And shiny. Like a lot of spiders. Also, you can't see his features.
Meh.
DM: *Describes a hot female NPC, 'Claire'*
Dechs: I move within my Touchsight's groping range.
Half-Giant "Mangle": Oi, Dechs, come along.
Dechs: *Flirting with Claire* Oh, not now. I'm doing... leadership stuff. Recruiting new members for our party.
Mangle: I'd prefer a recruitment style that didn't have a nine-month waiting period.
Claire: *Gets Dechs alone, and tries to cast a spell on him - when he makes will save, she bluffs* "What'd I do? I didn't do anything!"
Dechs: *Makes his sense motive* Wow. She's lied to us, she's trapped my party members fighting that horrible monster at the bottom of the pit, and now she wants to kill us. I think I'm in love. *Shoots her in the leg with Human Bane Longbow for 6 wisdom damage - bless Mental Assault* "What'd I do? I didn't do anything!"
DM: Okay, with too low a wisdom to make even that pathetic sense motive, and with Dech's huge bluff, she looks at the arrow in her leg, and the bow in your hand... and doesn't really make the connection.
Dechs: So she's casting another spell? I want an AoO!
DM: *Sigh* Fine.
Dechs: Does a kiss count as an attack?
*Lengthly rules debate*
DM: FINE! A kiss counts as an attack!
Dechs: I'm going to lean in and kiss her, and the kiss will deal 6 more points of Wisdom damage :D
Claire: *Kissed, left breathless, and passes out*
Dechs: :D Score.
After some terrible rolls by the DM, Mangle and the Synad had taken down the monsters. "I needed, what? A six to hit?" the DM was grumbling loudly.
Mangle: Okay, let's divide the loot.
Dechs: *Puts Claire, unconcious, on his pile* ... what?
That's all for this week!
Support Raz for Godhood! Gain access to the Trickery and Pizzaz domains! Let his stylish wit enlighten his followers!
seconded!
*The party is determining whether it's a good idea to jump down the enormous hole in the dungeon floor, which minutes earlier had expulsed a Bloodfire Ooze.*
Psion: So we can go down the stairs, or down this big hole that the ooze came out of.
Rogue: You mean the ooze-hole?
Druid: I prefer to think of it as the ooze-shaft.
Wizard: Well, the shaft seems good to me. Nobody booby-traps an ooze-shaft.
Druid: I would.
Psion: Why?
Druid: Because I wouldn't like people going into my ooze-shaft.
Rogue: I don't want to climb down this thing, look at it, the rocks are still glowing red hot and there's smoke coming out.
Druid: Yes, the ooze-shaft is often hot and steaming.
Wizard: I could cast Create Water and cool it down.
Rogue: But that would make the rocks slippery.
Druid: So you're suggesting that we lubricate the ooze-shaft?
Psion: Screw all this debate, let's just jump. It's not that far.
Druid: Alright, but one at a time.
Rogue: Why?
Druid: It's not a good idea to let more than one person into the ooze-shaft at a time, or else-
DM:THE NEXT TIME YOU USE THE PHRASE "OOZE-SHAFT" YOU'RE TAKING A NEGATIVE LEVEL!
Y'know, it'd also be a good idea to take along a few scrolls/potions/whatever of Remove Disease for such a trip. Never can be too careful when delving into someone else's ooze-shaft for the first time. :D
(said by the chaotic nuetral rouge befor going into fight the BBEG)
"If I dont make it out of here alive,........Tell my wife i cheated on her"
My fighter, someone who strives to get any sort of edge over his opponents that he can, saw this as a good chance to get ahead of the competition.
Me: "I put my hand into the pool"
DM: "Alright, (rolls) You permanently lose 3 Dexterity."
Me: "Arggggh what?! I do it again"
Dm: "You gain 2 negative levels, those will go away after you rest and get someone to help you heal"
Me: "What the hell? I gotta get something good out of this"
Rogue "Hey Hector, maybe you should stop, it doesn't seem to like you"
Barbarian "Yeah, you should quit before something worse happens"
Me: "BACK OFF! I CAN QUIT WHEN I WANT! (I put my hand in again)"
DM: (rolls) You gain a permanent 10 HP
Me: Good. I do it again.
DM: Actually? You just got something good.
Me: And I got something bad twice, this pool is going to give me what I want.
Rogue: Really hector, not a good idea
Me: Seriously Euripidies, Just once more.
DM rolls... "You're now colour blind"
I quit then. I just walked out of the dungeon. I hate magical pools.
You could turn into a panda whenever splashed by cold water.
Our group found a magical pool that if you dipped a body part into, the pool would trasmit some sort of magical effect onto you.
Could I get a list of the outcomes for that?
Could be worse.
You could turn into a panda whenever splashed by cold water.
You officially are granted the "Random Manga Reference of the Day" award. ;)
So we've been trudging our way through a particular dungeon.. the easiest way to describe it would be an organic breeding ground for Xill-like insectile(sp?) creatures. Think of the zerg spawning pools from Starcraft. Living, breathing walls of muscley sinew and ooze. Lovely.
Anyway, thanks to the cunning use of small steel mirrors and hide checks, the rouge Euripidies has found the Queen-xill's birthing chamber without revealing the party's presence. He describes to the others the massive, undulating birth-sac of a queen xill, surrounded by incubating eggs.
Zosimos the barbarian, obviously overtaken by an urge for mindless destruction, charges into the room full-tilt, stopping only long enough to look at the queen, wave, and say "Hey! What do you think about THIS?!" before bringing his large-legendary mace down upon the nearest egg with tremendous force, splattering baby-bug juice in a several foot radius.
Needless to say, he was quickly and quite nearly entirely consumed by swarms of fine insects.
I still shudder when I think about how disgusting an image this conjures up.
Who's Rez?
Rez as in True Rezurrection, of course!
Perhaps the poster meant Raz?
Surprisingly, I'm still alive.
Could be worse.
You could turn into a panda whenever splashed by cold water.
Fighter, not monk.
and ph34r the giant panda.
Fighter, not monk.
and ph34r the giant panda.
Anyone who calls Genma a Monk has to explain to me how on earth anyone could call him LAWFUL. He's a Warblade. With Superior Unarmed Strike. It's that simple.
Rez as in True Rezurrection, of course!
Perhaps the poster meant Raz?
SHUSH! I was tired at the time and just finished a 31 hour straight gaming session...but ya..I meant Raz..
Half orc player: Does the boogeyman exist exist in D&D?
Elf player: Yes and he eats people regularly. :D
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The players are having some down time after saving the druids tribe from a hobgoblin war band (Which they wiped out
). The rest of the party has just finished looking through an old curiosity shop run by an elderly old woman in the dock district (And found the old cursed magic items there :evillaugh ) but the Half Orc decided to have a threesome with some of the local girls. (for just a gold, not bad for the girls since thats about a few months pay)The rest of the group were now moving through the merchant district to find a blacksmith as the Half Orc goes into the old curiosity shop:
DM: The shop is black inside with all the wood been black oak or painted black, the walls are filled with stuffed heads and skulls and various animals and the shelves filled with countless jars. A corner of the shop is filled with broken armour and weapons while another is filled with rather more mundane items of countless number. A small little old woman is sat behind a black oak desk.
Barbarian: I slam my two ogre heads down on the counter and ask "How much for these?"
DM: The old woman looks up at you for a moment then at the heads for a short while before replying: "3 gold for both."
Barbarian:I grab the old woman by her dress and pull her face to mine and growl: "Give me everything in the till now."
DM: The old woman looks you in the eye then head butts you!
Barbarian: You what?!
DM: *Rolls dice then grins evilly* Natural 20 :evillaugh Wheres the critical hit chart?
Everyone:
My players have since learned don't mess with little old ladies who live in the roughest part of town. :D
For those interested the barbarian survived as the crit was a +1 modifier making the hit 3d3 -3 subdue damage but the old lady survived as well as the barbarian ran from several beggers, five Red Knife thieves (Trying to kill the freelance *thief*) and the town watch.
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My Kobold also came across Alcohol for the first time this session and was rather drunk after an ale and a wine:
Druid: Poor thing I best make sure he doesn't drink too much, we don't want a problem with an alcoholic in the party. I go over to the kobold and explain about alcohol to him.
DM: Best do a listen check *Rolls Dice* Natural 20 he doesn't just listen he learns it and remembers it for the rest of his life. ^^
Female Bard: Since I don't want to be groped by any drunks I'm going to do a hide check *roles dice* oow only 13.
DM: *Roles dice* During the night the kobold wanders over to you and tries to hug you but since he is so small he can only hug your legs. *Speaks in cute hissy voice* "Youss my bestisss friend." <3 he then passes out.
Brent: “Here, Leeroy, have +4 Wisdom.”
Nick: “Holy crap! What was I thinking, running into the cave like that? It’s dark, I don’t have a light, they can probably see in the dark… I could have broken my nose running into a wall—or worse, fallen into a trap. Geez, I’m a friggin’ moron!”
Joe “You know that only lasts for, like, two minutes, right?”
Nick: “LEEROY JENKINS!”
Reminds me of a session where the party is lurking in wait to ambush a mind flayer. When it appears, the half-orc chugs a potion of wisdom and goes, "Oh my gods! Are we insane? We're attacking a *****' mind flayer!!"
(Me) OoC: Boo
(Minsc) OoC: You bastard.
I assume everyone gets the refrence.
Um ... I missed this one
One of the Characters that can join your party is a ranger named Minsc.
His companion is the...well... Giant Minature Space Hamster named Boo.
Yes. Giant + Minature.
And Boo's also the smarter of the duo.
we come across crippled slavers ship. We decide to investigate & find that it had been attacked & left to die.
NPC Captain: "We have taken a lot of damage. Can you help us ......."
Me (wizard) "take more! Certainly!" crits him with a Disintergration ray. "POOOF"
Play testing:
DM: what are you doing?
Ninja(at that time, roleplaying a barbarian at lvl 20) ooc: a Barbarian, his name is first name is "urgg"
DM: okay o_O lets se how it goes.
Cleric:how old are you?
Barbarian: urgg
Cleric: what skills do you have?
Barbarian: urgg
Cleric: do you want to follow Olidamara?
Barbarian: urgg (noding)
Cleric: what was your name again?
Barbarian: *clears throath" urgg... Wichensterton the Third
Why? Because it was very dificult for my ex to roleplay a Barbarian. look:
After defeating a party of Goblins:
DM: you found two triangular gems hanging from one of the Goblin's neck.
Barbarian (10 int 10 wis): hey, those are just like the figure we found earlier.
Everyone: how so o_O?
Barbarian: *puts the triangular gems inside a complex figure inside a trapdoor* like this.
DM: o.O the trapdoor opens with a faint *squeee*.
Rogue ooc: how didn't I noticed that, I am the rogue?
Ninja ooc: simple, she is playing MY barbarian.
Rogue ooc: and?
Ninja ooc: ALL my barbarians are smart ;)
Cleric: (asking the barb) but... how did we miss that?
Barb: (remembering to play as a barb) urgg?
From that time on, the Barb ended up figuring out every puzzle. Well, The ninja too. But mostly the Barb. What can I say? She is very inteligent and couldn't help it XD
The trapdoor led us to a Heironeous Temple. The party fell idle in a 80x80 ft room. It was a slow session, until...
DM: *rolls dice* I told you, whenever you didn't do something in a while, I'll roll for random effects. *watch dices* Shikamaru (the ninja) suddenly feels the urge to "go to the bushes"
Ninja: my stomach... I... need...
Cleric: Whats the matter?
Ninja: *wispers*
Cleric: and? just do it in that corner.
The ninja goes and returns.
DM: Suddenly, you (Porfic, the cleric) feel out of divine power. No more spells for you
Cleric ooc: why?
DM: I don't know, the last time I checked, commanding someone to "use the bushes" in a corner of a holy temple wasn't a good act.
Cleric ooc: but I am Chaotic Neutral. That was chaotic, to mock the authorithy of Heironeous in his own temple.
DM: yes it was, and Olidammara will reward you. But Heironeous right now is quite angry, and since HERE is HIS temple, you are out spells. Just today ;) *rolls dice* everybody, make a spot check
*rolls dice*
DM: you see 4 skeletons coming your way, and no you can't turn undead either.
Out of the temple:
DM: *rolls dice* Shikamaru feels again the urge to "go to the bushes"
Cleric ooc: DONT, there are tons of trees out there, pick one.
Ninja ooc: I run to the nearest tree and do it.
*Ninja returns*
Sorcerer (me) ooc: hey, dude, My hp is low. Would you mind?
Cleric ooc: sorry, out of spells.
Sorcerer ooc: use a scroll. you have one handy
Clerc: where did I place those partchments?
Rogue: you gave them to Shikamaru.
Cleric: a yeah. Please, give them to me.
Ninja: well... you see... from where I come from we use paper to "clean us up" and the only piece of paper handy was... the scrolls. *hands over the dirty Scrolls"
Cleric: *grabs a scroll from a still clean edge* But... but... you... you eat RICE... ONLY RICE. How did you.... oh well. CLW!!
DM: you recover your full HP, but... everyone make a fortitude save.
*rolls dice* Rogue fails
DM: you smell an aroma so foul that you suddenly can't keep your food inside your stomach.
Sorecerer ooc: so... you are saying that now I am part...
DM: yes. considere it a temporal fetid curse. ;)
We arrive at an elven village where we found a Druid:
DM as Druid: (sounds like a stoner) Duuuuuude. don't rush, don't rush... to defeat the Hydra you just need this scroll *hands a scroll* mmm... no wait that wasn't it. *takes the scroll and starts to smoke it* wooooooooooooo this is the good "divine" spell. *hands over the other scroll" May the spirit earth be with you (as it is in me) woooooooooooooo
In the way to the Hydra:
Sorcerer ooc: you know, I want a familiar. I have the money and time now.
DM: ok, ask the barbarian to catch it with a survival check
barb: *rolls dice* 1. Sorry dear. Next time.
Sorcerer ooc: no other way?
DM: suddenly you watch a skunk coming out of the bushes
Sorcerer ooc: you have to be kidding me
DM: and comes into your backpack. suddenly you are out of food.
Sorcerer: *sigh* Worst is nothing.
Several in-game hours later:
DM: suddenly you feel a connection with your skunk
Ninja ooc: cool :D I name it "stinky"
Sorcerer ooc: but is my familiar
Everyone: "Stinky" it is
Sorcerer ooc: ok, what do I get for the skunk as familiar?
DM: +2 at Fortitude saves
Sorcerer: *sigh* I don't know. This is perhaps not what I am looking for in a familiar. Hiro (the recently joined paladin) would you dispose this animal please?
DM: Do it, and you lose all your class features
Paladin ooc: But the Skunk has been given me a hard time. Why can't I?
DM: Its chaotic good. If you kill it, it will be against your morale code.
Paladin: sorry Lute, you have to deal with it yourself. as much as it pains me, its your problem.
Sorcerer ooc: I free it of my empatic link
DM: Stinky come to everyone's backpack and starts feeding up.
Sorcerer ooc: Shikamaru, you kill it. Your hands are not tied.
Ninja ooc: no way. I love to see how Stinky makes your characters's life miserable.
Sorcerere ooc: porfic?
Cleric: Its Olidammara's will to let the chaos spread amongst the world.
In this campaing, we pretend that Olidammara was female and even made a "high priest" of Olidammara. A Taco Bell dog with robes. It was one of those "shake me and a d8 dice will answer something" like "ask me later" and such. So we asked everytime during the campaing: "Is anybody going to die today?" "no" And nobody died. Once it said "Probably" and everyone fell against the Hydra. (well, except the NPC ranger and me) Why Olidammara as a woman?
Idle campfire chat:
Sorcerer: about what time is it?
DM: you can't tell. Time is completely unmeasured where and when you are. When the "earth" puts around "his" black cape with "holes" you know its night time, and thats it.
Sorcerer ooc: at least an aprox? the barb could use Survival
Barb: *rolls dice* 17.
DM: its about 2 hours after sundown.
Sorcerer ooc: suits me.
Ninja: I wonder... when the earth puts this cape..
Cleric: what?
Ninja: why is it?
Everyone: o_O
Ninja: yeah, I mean. Why does the earth covers itself from the sun? does she cheat on this Sun god of yours?
Cleric ooc: Knowledge (religion) *rolls dice* nat 20. 18
Cleric: that, my friend is... because the Earth DOES cheat on Pelor, the sun god. At night, it covers itself in this cape, and you see, that glowing white thing we call moon, thats actually Olidammara's.... you know... And then, they spend all night doing this and that...
Ninja: :o and then?
Sorcerer: (I was multiclassing for cleric later) And then my friend, returns the day. When the earth comes to Pelor, and cheats back on Olidammara.
Ninja: I am not sure, but isn't it Pelor male and Olidammara Female?
Sorcerer: yes. But the Earth does both ways.
Ninja: nice.
DM: (laughing incontrolably) you know everybody? If any of you take a lvl in Bard. I will give you a bonus 600 XP, just because of that... really... no kidding. You deserve it.
By the end, the party was quite large. Halfling Rogue (Sari), Human Cleric of Olidammara (Porfic), Human Barbarian(Urgg), Elven Monk (Blair), Elven Ranger (Lobgab), Elven Paladin (Hiro), Sorcerer (Lute). And in case you were wondering, we did beat the Hydra. I am sorry for the Metagaming during that fight but it was accidental. We were almost killed later by a Stone resemblance of a Young Black Dragon. But what killed us in the end was Stinky. That little devil.
We're playing a pirate campaign, based on the colonial Caribbean economy, with a LE empire ("What if the Aztec gods were real and answered prayers?"), a LG empire ruled by a king and council of paladins, and elvish and dwarven kingdoms that keep to themselves. We're sailing out of the pirate island called (what else?) Tortuga. Since it's a Caribbean economy, and we haven't run across any ships in the last in-game month, we realize it's come time for the annual sugar harvast (sugar was apparantly worth more than its weight in gold, according to our DM, and he's the history major), so we make for the nearest sugar port, which is located right smack dab in the middle of the LG paladin-run kingdom.
Lavan: Half-elf bard, the captain (has insanely high diplomacy/bluff/other social checks)
Taeleus: Raptoran sorceror, "the bird"
Alex: bard/swash/dread pirate, first mate
Rayden: rogue/invisible blade, the blood-thirsty one
"R": (unpronouncable name starting with R) cleric of a homebrew NE god
Me: "Ty," the chain-wielding rogue/swash/scarlet corsair
We're all various evil except for Taeleus, who is TN
We have this cunning plan to haev Taeleus use his wand of fireball to fly around the side of town away from the docks, firing indiscriminately at houses, businesses, and the town garrison's barracks. This will buy us enough time to get our rented wagons to a sugar warehouse, kill the guards, load everything we can carry, and get back to the ship for the grand getaway. So he does so, and the DM describes people running around, screaming for help against the "demon bird," which got a laugh (as I said, he's the only one that's not blatantly 100% evil). The plan goes off without a hitch (much to the DM's dismay, as he couldn't think of a valid reason to have a guard detachment between us and the ship when the other end of town was ablaze), and we get back to the ship with wagons filled with stolen sugar. Meanwhile, Taeleus is finishing firebombing the city, and is due back at any time.
DM: A merchant captain comes up to you. He asks "What are you doing? What's going on?"
Lavan: *rolls bluff of high 30s* "The town's on fire! We're saving our cargo. You should probably do the same."
DM: *rolls like a five for the sense motive* "Yeah, we'll do that!"
Lavan: "If you wait for us to unload our wagons, we'll let you use them."
DM OOC: I hate you. IC: "That's great of you. Men, help them unload their cargo and then go get ours!"
Us OOC: *laugh*
So we stand there for a minute, waiting on them to get back, as Alex, R, and I have decided that we should get greedy: help them load their cargo, then steal their ship.
DM: As you're waiting, a Paladin rides up to the dock. Roll to see who's on deck.
Lavan, Rayden, and Alex are on deck. R is in the hold securing our cargo and I'm at the base of the stairs to come up on deck when I hear the Paladin hail the ship.
DM: "There's a fire in town, you need to come help put it out! Wait... are you preparing to shove off in during a crisis?"
Lavan: *rolls a bluff of mid-20s* "We were worried about the fire spreading to the docks, so we're merely setting things in order in case we have to evacuate."
DM: *rolls a mid-30 for Pally's Sense Motive* "Really? Looks like a little more than just making ready." *Detect Evils the ship, sees slight evil aura around the three on deck, and sees R's powerful evil aura emanating from the hold* "What's in your hold." OOC: To Lavan's player, Roll a bardic knowledge *~25* You've heard that paladins have the ability to sense the evil motives and pasts of people, as if an aura of their thoughts, words, and deeds follow them still.
Lavan: OOC: ****. ****. What do I tell him?
Taeleus: I get back, and land on a nearby roof to see what's going on.
Lavan: *sudden flash of genius* "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS THAT!?!?" and points at Taeleus.
DM: "DEMON BIRD!!!!"
The Paladin and the guard detachment (apparantly hidden or following Taeleus, we never figured out which) completely ignored us in favour of trying to shoot him out of the sky. The bird dropped the disguise ship spell as he flew around dodging and wind-walling the arrows the guard were shooting at him, so we unfurled our pirate colours and shouted at the Paladin as we sailed out of the harbour:
"So long, it was fun, and thanks for your generosity!"
We wound up not taking any combat damage aside from a single spell against Taeleus (the Paladin had some sort of light spear spell), as we single-handedly stole a good-sized portion of the yearly sugar harvast (packed a caravel to the gills) and got away scot-free, with the added bonus of thumbing our noses at the paladin, who we were later told was the captain of the town's garrison.
Yay for pirates!
Well my goblin bollock eating Half orc barbarian gave me another pair of quotes this week.
Half orc player: Does the boogeyman exist exist in D&D?
Elf player: Yes and he eats people regularly. :D
I have actually met The Boogeyman in D&D. My DM thought that it would make for a good special random encounter. We all just ran for it when we detected that he was CR28 at the time and our characters were on 9th level. :D
I have some classics, let's see if I can dig them up...
Let's start with the d20 Modern game that got waaaaay out of proportion, shall we? Now, this was my first real roleplaying game and we were at level three in the beginning in the Urban Arcana setting. My character was Linda, a CG telepath. Keep these stats in mind:
INT: 18
CHA: 18 (Yes yes, my friend rolled for me and she rolled high.)
1) So, our group is working for Section 7 (in our game, it was part of the Buerau of Paranormal Research and Defense) and we get this mission to look into a drug going around called BLUE SPIDER. So, we're going around L.A. looking for dealers so we can get this stuff and test it. We're at the beach and we split up to look around....
DM: You see a guy with...pure black skin and white hair lying on the beach.
*everyone tenses and has an "OH CRAP" look on their faces. Meanwhile, I'm staring at the DM dumbfounded*
Me:....okay...Do I know what he is?
DM:...*gets up and whispers in my ear* It's a drow.
Me: *looks at him* Wow...I have no idea what that is. (Told you this was my first roleplaying game ever.)
DM: *whispers* DARK ELVES. EVIL. REALLY EVIL.
Me:...Ooooooooh...
DM: They also worship a SPIDER diety.
Me:....OH!!
2) In the same session, I also ended up picking up said drow on accident.
So I ended up talking to Daran (LN Martial Artist) and I got the pills from him and I pretty much asked if I could get his contact info and he said it was fine. After that we went to a couple of "meetings" and the first one went all right. And after he found out I could see through Shadow he gave me this book on magical races. So I'm figuring things are going pretty great until the next day, when our party finds out that there was a tracker in the spine of the book. Now, it wasn't on (thank God) but we decided that I should have another "meeting" with Daran. It went a little something like this:
Linda: So I, uh...I got a little something for you yesterday... =3
Daran:...Really? *looks all excited* Wow, what is it?
Linda: *slams tracker onto the table and Daran's face falls a little*
Daran:.....Oh....
Now, at this point, I was wondering what to do, so I got some suggestions from other players.
Dragon (Yes, it's his real nickname): OH!! Try intimidating him, see what happens!
Holly: Think it'll work?
Me:...*looks*...I did put ranks in that.. (Linda's intimidate was astounding...)
DM: Okay, roll for it...*rolls for a Will Save*
Me:...28? *DM's face falls as he looks at his Will Save*...What?
DM:...He got a ****ing 2!! *everyone starts laughing*
Me: So what happened?
DM: Well, he's cowering under the table right now, crying. Also, I think he might have peed his pants.
Me: Holy ****, really?
Holly: Good job.
Dragon: *continues laughing*
So, Daran was pretty much cowering from me, crying, and telling me that the tracker wasn't his, someone planted it, don't kill me, etc., and everyone in the place was staring at us. So I calmed him down, saying it was fine, I made a mistake, stuff like that, and we left.
As we were leaving, Daran also started doing other things like holding my hand and asking what I was doing that night.
He also let me know that he was working as a mole for the DEA
Day after, he gave me the maps and floor plans of his mother's office (the one distributing the drug).
We blew it up. Daran also joined the group later
Me:...So, let me get this straight man...I now have my very own Drow B****?
DM: Yeah, pretty much.
Holly: That's ASTOUNDING.
That game went on for like a year. =O
In the bushes:
Me:Alright bumblebutt
Bumbleroot: its bumbleroot.
me:whatever we need you to blast as many as possible before they know we're here.
Bumbleroot:why should I you forgot my name
Kurg:do it
Bumbleroot: NO!
Me: I swear to Pelor if you don't do it I'll take my sword and shove it up your ass!!
Party:
During fight
I had being fighting the vamps by myself as kurg was fighting basically everything else, and Bumbleroot who was still mad was just sitting there.
Me: Die you scum
Bumbleroot:your the scum
Me:Why don't you HELP!!
Bumbleroot: Im still mad
Me: I don't care Bumblebutt Fight!!
Bumbleroot: ITS BUMBLEROOT
As he casts all his spells at Me I continue to dodge them while they kept hitting the vamps.
Kurg:Nice shooting Bumblebutt
Bumbleroot::headexplo
When we met the king to get our reward he asked for our names to be put on the satue... Shalen the Brave, Kurg the Strong, and Bumblebutt the Smelly:D His name is brought up in ever campaign after.
DM(Me): As you finally reach the end of the stairway, you notice that the corridor extends just 20 feet. Your torchlight allows you to spot a large, about 10 feet tall humanoid figure wielding a large club. As you look closer, you see that the creature is entirely made of white bones. You recognize it as a bone golem.
Half-Ogre Barbarian: Grag smash bone thing!
Magmin Rogue/Sorcerer: Attack! Kill!! DESTROY!!!
(everybody rolls iniative and combat begins)
Half-Troll Druid(NPC): Assume flanking tactic 4B! Grag to the front! Ironjaws, to the rear!
Half-Ogre Barbarian: Ya, Grag crush bones!
Antromorphic Shark Ranger: Why do I always have to attack the monster's ass? Especially when it's bony like this thing.
DM: Roll a will save. DC 15.
Bard: What? What for?
DM: You'll see.
Bard: umm. (rolls) I got a 12.
DM: you rock out so hard that in a fit of passion post performance you smash that lute into itty bitty pieces.
Bard: *cries*
Once in the shop though, they notice a bowl with small packages (think the size of those square liquor glasses). When asking about it, they learn that these may contain a special reward and cost 100gp. Upon further asking, they learn that distributed over these packages are those items that no-one wants to buy and that it's the best way to get some money out of them.
Well, the players start to open the packages (I just rolled on the CR4 award list for this, worked well for me) and buy quite a few. A number of them find part of their money refunded, find some odd crystals and even one of those Feather Tokens. Our Favored Soul had a lucky strike at that moment and got a +1 Halbert.
Not being proficient with the weapon, he tried to give it to the Psychic Warrior, but he already had a weapon he liked better. None of the others was proficient, so he was stuck with it.
For the next sessions he regularly tried to sell the weapon to people, but no-body wanted it. I believe he ended up giving it away to a beggar with the comment that it would likely be worth a lot money if he managed to sell it.
-------------------------
Inspired by Mad River (see back in this thread), I decided to enter my own twist of a town madgirl to give our Psychic Warrior something in the campaign to work with (he hadn't gotten much, while others truly had their story elements pointed out).
Mindless Mary (as the townspeople called her) is discribed as a girl of about 19-20 years old, murky blonde hair which stands out in all directions, cross-eyed and incapable of coherent speech. Upon further investigation they find that Mary is actually an Elan, just like our PsyWar (called Martyr).
We drop into a conversation that has been going between Martyr and Mary for nearly 5 minutes, Mary trying to explain this to Martyr (she completely ignores the other party members and only trusts Martyr).
Mary: You... me... made.
Martyr: I made you?
Mary: *shaking head, getting her fingers stuck in her hair* You... me... made...
Martyr: I don't understand, you guys?
Kathryn (Aasimar Fav Soul): I think we need to give her a haircut, it looks aweful.
Lithalar (Human Warlock): I agree. Martyr, she could be talking about you and her being an Elan.
Martyr: Do you mean that you are an Elan too?
Mary: *nodding* You me made! *happy smile*
Me (OOC): I find it really troublesome that I roleplay the Town's Fool best of all NPCs.
Rest (OOC): Oh, seemed natural to us.
Fact of our party... 90% of our party funds at any given time come from the stuff taken from our fallen comrades. I think that that is about all of my wealth in one campaign.
It isn't even funny ... just sad.
The bard in the party used some downtime to play in the streets for money. He nat 20'd his perform check.
DM: Roll a will save. DC 15.
Bard: What? What for?
DM: You'll see.
Bard: umm. (rolls) I got a 12.
DM: you rock out so hard that in a fit of passion post performance you smash that lute into itty bitty pieces.
Bard: *cries*
ah a bard is crying, that means an angel is getting his wings.
Wyrm slayer: (puts hands on his hips) OH YA ALL evil dragons cower in my site and flee the seen.
ME: ya but thats cause the thief is standing in front of you.
it was really funny :P heh
The Revolving Door of Heroes:
Xaneth:
To the Dwarf Temple: "All the Elves have decided to sack your temple! Better drive them out of Town" Bluff Check: 22
To the Elf Temple: "The Dwarves have fled the town, they've decided to poison the water supply! Better find them and make them fix it!" Bluff Check: 23
To the Town Guard: The Dwarves are on a Rampage! You need to them--Bluff Check 12, +10 bonus for having a written copy of plans (22).
(Thinks: Now, with the Dwarves distracted, I get to loot the Dwarven Temple)
Problem: The Town Guard drop all the Portculli around the town, and various guards increase their presence at the Dwarf Temple.
Xaneth managed to flee the town, but he was NPCed for being split away from the party.
Syndel:
Three Orcs are facing the party.
The Party Fighter, with AC 23, has proved to be impossible to hit. The Orcs eventually figure this out. One of them decides to charge around (not by) the Party Fighter.
Bard: Well, now they are going after me, and all I'm doing is playing the music!
DM (Me) Yup.
Bard: OK
DM (Rolls 20, 20, 14). What's your AC?
Bard: AC is 15
DM: Orc Confirms Double Crit!!
[Party stops and gasps]
[Damage is rolled, Bard (Who is just 1st level) takes 41 Damage]
DM: The Bard gets completely splatted, she's reduced to -35 HP.
Bard's Player: My New Character will be called "Ree Venge"
DM: OK, Cool.
Well, the players got so much done that we had spare time to do banter. And we did a lot of banter. And lots of it was funny. But this thread is for IG lines, I suppose.
Note that we are pretty much all immature, still teenage, and with no girlfriends between the 4 of us.
Just randomly, and very regularly throughout the session...
Player: Does this NPC smell?
Me: *Rolls d%* Yes, he does.
Player: Does he smell funky?
Me: ... *Rolls d%* Yes, he does.
98% chance that you smell, 80% chance that you smell funky. Strangely enough, all the characters of one player (past and current) smell, but don't smell funky. They just reek. And we agree.
*****
The party was leading an investigation into the cause of an outbreak of Blue Guts (see BoVD) amongst the town militia. Especially devastating because this town is expecting a drow invasion in a few days.
NPC Captain: "This disease has the telling symptom of a blue complexion, particularly around the abdominal area."
Fighter: "Oh my God! The warriors have become pregnant with blue imps! All hope is useless!"
Rogue: "Wait, even though they're men?"
Fighter: "Even the men..."
*****
In a completely unrelated incident, regarding a captured Yuan-ti emissary (That unsurprisingly demanded unconditional surrender)...
Captain: "This creature, an ally of the drow, is Yuan-ti. This bodes ill for our side, as the alliance must have been made unbreakable by now."
Rogue: "I'll say! But what about Yu-Mom? Is she with them too?"
Now, imagine what we would be like if we had alcohol. *shudders*
Paladins and Evil PCs do not mix. Ever. Stop trying to mix them.
You haven't read much about cuddles have you
Party consists of:
Lvl 1 Human artificer
Lvl 1 Human Rogue
Lvl 1 Half-elf Cleric
The Party had just encountered the warforged barbarian, and both sides hadn't landed a hit yet. The cleric summons a celestial badger, having been mildly obsesed with the minature. The badger lands a hit, resulting in me saying the the following
DM(me): So the badger ferociously gnaws on the warforged's ankle...
The entire party started laughing.
Also during the same encounter.
Artificer: I cast Magic vestment on the rogue's armor.
Rogue: Power Up!! (Silly sound effect)
Low levels => You get hit, pack lots of healing in any form.
Medium Levels => You boost your AC properly and you won't get hit.
High Levels => Who cares, they'll just cast dispel magic THEN attack, just cast Heal once in a while.
Epic Levels => Well... you don't get hit... problem is that everyone else realized how cool Epic Spellcasting was too and are using that to buff themselves too... permanently.
wizard: who is that in the distance riding this way
fighter:it looks like an elf he is getting closer
ranger OOc: i make a fast dismount in front of them
ranger rolls a natural 1
DM ooc: check for a critical fumble
again a natural 1
DM: the rider tries to stop in front of you but falls off
Rouge: o my god he's wasted
sorcerer who has a drinking problem:rookie
Someone at level 1 who fails to get in a hit? Surprising considering how the game is built up...
Well, it was only the second round.
1: when an intimidate check was met with a "you and what army?" kind of remark: " I can move 70 metres in 3 seconds from a standing start, I have two hundred daggers hidden around my armour, I killed a cloud giant in three seonds flat with my teeth, and I can shoot a fly between the eyes from 2 miles away. In case it matters, I had food poisoning on the day, do you still think I need an army?"
2: " be polite, my friend here could be bad for your health, and neither of us want that, do we now?" *points to barbarian*
(this time an assasin, against some BBEG unwilling to peacefully hand over what we need.)3: " During my career, I have lowered the average such-and-such country by two years through assasinations alone. Now, I am no common murderer, and I only kill for money. However, I believe I spotted a wallet on you, so let's just pretend for a moment that you're at my mercy and move on, shall we?"
(same assasin, during an assasination)4: "good evening. My name is not something you will live long enough to remember, and I already know that you are the late Mr oakhill. Now, I'm a busy man, so let's just move along, shall we?"*stab*
gnome artificer, 5 wis: "the only thing that's better than things that go boom is....things that make other things go boom!"
The situation was this: the party was part of a regiment sent to deal with a horde of assorted trolls, ogres, orcs, and a dragon. ((hey, they wanted a generic campaign!))The captain had just been whacked in the middle of a battle, but his body was nowhere to be found, that night...the now undead(basically through sheer willpower)) captain came to them, and after apologizing for abandoning them, said the following: "In the years to come, let it be known that we fought not for glory, not for riches, not for fame, but for our country, and the lives of those we cared for, let it be known, for tomorrow, my comrades in arms, we ride."
BG: go for the eyes boo, go for the eyes!
me: (if a negotiation goes sour, this is what I do...) the barb looms behind the party member talking, visibly carrying a huge axe. He smiles "Hi". Nothing more is needed.
EDIT: remembered another one. I had a barb/warlock that would accidentally use his eld. blast and such, with pretty much no control over it.(ofcourse, I used a little less than usual, that's all) he also used magical items with an awesome UMD, he based it on "me talk to magic stuff, dey like me".
His line in a BBEG fight going badly, though this actually won it. *takes out about 5 rods of wonder at once and holds the lot in one hand* (DM allowed it for hillarity) "Me use magic stick now".
Party: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! !!!!!!!
sorceror: Wizards study for their magic, bards sing for their magic, druids and clerics beg for their magic. Me? I am magic.
a rogue, talking to anyone who mentions honorable death: "suit yourself, but in the end, I'll have more honor to my name than you. see, you spend half your life being honorable, and then you die. Then there's me, I spend half my life being honorable, run like a coward, and spend the other half being honorable too, so I will have more honor than you, you follow?" Yeah, he was silly, just saying anything to shut the pally up really.
also, in response to some guy thinking my char can't harm him when he runs into a temple of hextor: "look, I'm for boccob, and I'm also a warmage. What that means, buddy, is that you'll just end up paying the repair bills for the place after I'm done with you."
barb, when hearing about druids restricting themselves to wooden weapons: " me druid too." "huh?" "me use tree weapon(quite literally), so me druid too." "ah... I see."
The group:
Darius: human rogue, pretty chatty guy.
Thak:you guessed it, the low int orc(half-orcs are for wimps, apparently)barbarian/eye of gruumsh/FB
Allister Brightstar: a cleric of pelor, the only other roleplayer in the group, though others enjoy to hear it.
Covadish Weavedancer: my character and an evoker. A living clone spell, like a human statwise. He was originally created by some wizard as a backup plan, but the spell went wrong and he gained sentience. He took care to make sure the wiz did not notice, and escaped when the time was right. Eventually the mage died and tried to take over, but got kicked out by Covadish. He's been wandering around since, pretty much trying to figure out what to do with himself, rather melancholy character, here's a line to give you an idea.
"It is easy for you humans to try and find a purpose in life, but you cannot fathom the terrible agony of knowing that you exist for no reason, save as a cruel joke of the gods..."
the situation: fighting a blackguard BBEG, Allister is badly wounded, and Covadish is imprisoned in a resilient sphere with the boss, getting turned to dog food. The other two can't help, so I decided to do the following...
"As he parries another blow from the Blackguard, Covadish turns to the party. Tears fill his eyes as he speaks, both of joy and sorrow. 'My friends, we have journeyed long and far together, but I fear it is at an end. It saddens me to leave you, but I fear I have no choice. At last, my friends, I ahve found a purpose. I am no joke of the gods, but everything until now has been for this moment, my entire life, such as it is, existed so that I could be here now. Goodbye, my fair companions, I shall miss you.' A tiny bead streaks forward from his outstretched finger as sigils trace around him over the ground. Suddenly, there is a deafening blast as both Covadish and his foul opponent are consumed in white flames. When they subside, both are gone. You have been saved, but covadish weavedancer is gone from this world... forever."
((disclaimer: all rolls were made in advance, this was just description))
a couple quotes from various rogues...
(this time an assasin, against some BBEG unwilling to peacefully hand over what we need.)3: " During my career, I have lowered the average such-and-such country by two years through assasinations alone. Now, I am no common murdered, and I only kill for money. However, I believe I spotted a wallet on you, so let's just pretend for a moment that you're at my mercy and move on, shall we?"
(same assasin, during an assasination)4: "good evening. My name is not something you will live long enough to remember, and I already know that you are the late Mr oakhill. Now, I'm a busy man, so let's just move along, shall we?"*stab*
Read Discworld much? Because those sound very much like Terry Pratchett's Assassins.
WHich isn't a bad thing, by the way.
My vampire friend wanted to go in and feed on the innocent commoners inside.After having tried (and failed) to disguise himself as a lownly traverler he went to the door and asked to be let inside the cabbin.
Vampire:"Please let me in,sir, for I am but a lownly traverler and weary from the long journey".
Commoner:"You are no traveler! I see in your face all the signs of the undead, the sickly pale and your fiendish eyes!" (clearly an somwhat more intelligent specimen of the commoner)
after ten rounds of pointless negotiating, the vampire looks trough the window, and sees the entire family in the corner armed with crosses and garlic.
Vampire:"I will not be left to feed on nothing but cattle this night! "(*looking around at the cattle and getting an idea*)
Vampire:I dominate one of the cows with my powerfull gaze!
DM: The cows fails it save, just....
Vampire: I command it to break the door in!
DM: ok.......
Vampire:"Let me inside or I will let my minion kill you!"
DM: The commeners cower in fear as the cow breaks the door in with its hooves.Now what are you going to do?
Vampire:I Command the cow to murder the commoners.
DM:A Massive battle begins between the cow and the man, a level 2 commoner. They are evenly matched but after a long struggle the cow is the victorious!
DM:But you still can't enter the house.
Vampire:I order the cow to drag the body out! LUNCH!
Cleric: I cast Inflict light wounds
DM:OKay, roll a D20
Cleric:Nat 20
DM: Roll to confirm
Cleric: 20
Everybody else: :OMG!
DM: :Speechless:
ME: Roll again dude
Cleric: 16 and 28 for damge (Dude only had 6 HP left)
DM: *To stunned to describe the scene*
ME: *Filling in for the dumb struck DM: A black aura surrounds your hand as you reach torwards the pirate's chest. You scream the word "KALIIIMAAAAA" as you rip out his still beating heart.
Rest:
We were playing a high-level evil pirate game. Our crew (a Bladesinger (me), a Formorian, a Warmage, and a Succubus/ Swashbuckler) came upon a small islnd while trying to find a place to stash our booty. While searching, we came across a small community of small tree fey who came out to offer us food and all that jazz. Now, being evil and all, we didn't *quite* know what to do, til, after the GM explained what they looked like, I said:
"Do they look like Injuns?"
Everyone was silent for a second, then burst out in a fit of laughter that ended with the largest wholesale slaughter the tree sprites had ever known (apparently the DM had put them there as a plot hook to try and turn us to good, but I guess we kinda disposed of his plot hook with fireballs and cleaves".
This is from my sig:
We were playing a high-level evil pirate game. Our crew (a Bladesinger (me), a Formorian, a Warmage, and a Succubus/ Swashbuckler) came upon a small islnd while trying to find a place to stash our booty. While searching, we came across a small community of small tree fey who came out to offer us food and all that jazz. Now, being evil and all, we didn't *quite* know what to do, til, after the GM explained what they looked like, I said:
"Do they look like Injuns?"
Everyone was silent for a second, then burst out in a fit of laughter that ended with the largest wholesale slaughter the tree sprites had ever known (apparently the DM had put them there as a plot hook to try and turn us to good, but I guess we kinda disposed of his plot hook with fireballs and cleaves".
That's awful.
I love it. :D
Good God... 102 pages, 2 years... I've still got the book in progress. but not enough contributions. ;)
Feel free to use any of mine. (If you can still find them)
There's a Warlock, a Druid, and a Wizard.
Me: Okay, apparently your noise has sent a guard to find you. Roll hide everyone.
Warlock: 19.... plus 4... 23.
Wizard: Umm... 9?
Druid: 2.
Me: The warlock scrambles to the side. As you watch, his skin turns greyish and he appears to be no more than a rock. The wizard jumps into a hole, and, after a second of thought, the druid jumps on him, prompting a yelp. Warlock, you think it might be an aroused yelp.
I got complaints for an hour.
Aren't I vicious?
DM: The hole is quite deep, deep enough that the bottom is too dark too see.
Me: I drop a rock down the hole.
DM: You hear a "Clank!" from the bottom of the pit.
Me: Aha! Normal holes do not go "Clank!" There's something metal down there, and I'll bet you anything it's a trapdoor entrance to Master Cain's hideout! I strike a sunrod and drop that down.
DM: The sunrod falls to the earth with a thud. At the bottom of the pit, digging in the dirt next to the sunrod, you see what appears to be an unusually large mole. It looks up at you and says "Clank!"
Me:
Party Sorcerer:
Lightning bolt!DM: *Rolls dice* The mole is fried.
Me: *Sigh* I climb down there, and move the mole corpse out of the way. Is there anything else down here?
DM: No.
Me: For the love of...
ME:
*five minutes later*
PC: WTF do you mean the old dude was a lvl 20 fighter with a +5 vorperal sword?
ME: well what do you think charecters do after they finish adventuring, They retire and get married. What i cant beleive is you called his wife an Old Hag. never Metagame what the DM wont do. You get to start a new charecter Happy Birthday!
PC: Dude, relax Its my birthday Jera wont kill me off today.
ME:
*five minutes later*
PC: WTF do you mean the old dude was a lvl 20 fighter with a +5 vorperal sword?
ME: well what do you think charecters do after they finish adventuring, They retire and get married. What i cant beleive is you called his wife an Old Hag. never Metagame what the DM wont do. You get to start a new charecter Happy Birthday!
Haha, a word of advice, old people are always at least 10 levels higher than you are.
Haha, a word of advice, old people are always at least 10 levels higher than you are.
Rule 1: It is inadvisable to be hostile toward seemingly defenceless little old men.
Drop one Dwarf into a goblin-hole and see what happens... :fight!:
Bad Guy: Ha! You and what army?
Player 2(Shadowdancer): *steps out of the shadows behind the bag guy* That would be me old chap *stabbity*
The party had just wandered into a town that was being secretly taken over by a covey of hags. Entering a tavern, the party in general made investigative small-talk while the Paladin scoped things out with Detect Evil. Here is what he saw:
"There is an old woman plucking and cleaning dead chickens just out back. As your gaze travels over her, she looks up glaring into your eyes, and opens her mouth in a snarl. But her lips just keep expanding until her long brown teeth extend outwards, making her mouth look like a blossom of rotting tooth-enamel as her long sinuous tongue waggles suggestively. Then her teeth fold back into their rows, until the old woman closes them with an audible 'click'. She then peaceably returns to plucking feathers from the evening's poultry."
Paladin, to the rest of the party: "Guys? Guys...whatever you do, don't order the chicken."
------------------------------------------
In a different and far more whimsical campaign -
I was playing a half-ogre barbarian. By tradition, half-ogre are always given a name with an 'r' in it, so of course my barbarian was named Buck. Short for Buckminster.
Anyway, we were waylaid in our travels by a white dragon who demanded toll. As the 'face character' was negotiating, the goliath leaned over to Buck and muttered, "I think we can take this guy."
To make a long story short, Buck interrupted negotations with a heavy poleaxe. I initiated combat with the following declaration:
"With a scream like the one that begins Styx' Renegade, I seeth into a rage and charge the dragon."
Got bonus xp for the Styx reference.
Thrgr Fraukenstein (me): Dwarven Dread Necromancer (male)
Amelia: Mongrelfolk Rogue (female)
Bruce: Halfling Fighter (male)
Sara Oko: Human Cleric of Hextor (female)
and a Gnomish Beguiler who's name I can't remember. (male)
At the outset of the campaign, our party was attacked by some guy and a minotaur. We dispatched them both and then, my dwarf being a bit ****** off at being attacked, decided that we would get to the bottom of who put out the hit.
After a lot of searching around, we figure out we've been given the run around by the local bartender, so we decide to get some info out of him. Unfortunately, the bar is guarded by some surly looking Half-orcs, so we decided on a less forceful approach.
Gnome: Alright, I have an idea. We'll seduce the bartender.
Thrgr (me): But who?
(Everyone looks at the Cleric)
Sara: Me?
Me (OOC): Yeah! You've got the highest Cha, so you can be the most alluring.
Sara: Alright, well what should I do?
Gnome: You mean you've never seduced a guy before?
Sara: I'm a cleric! I don't get out much!
Me: It's really easy...just...go up there and invite him upstairs. When you get him in the room, lock the door and beat the info out of him. We'll be right behind you.
Sara: Alright.
(Sara goes up to the bar. The gnome has cast Whisper on her so we can relay messages and try and help.)
Sara: Uh...bartender...um...would you...accompany me...upstairs?
Amelia (the only other female whose been silent up to this point): Oh man, I'm going to have to have a talk with her when she gets back.
We all started laughing at her delivery, it was so matter of fact.
Thrgr: Can I measure your skull?
Guard: No.
Thrgr: How about your waist?
Guard: No.
Thrgr: Your pa-
Guard: No.
Thrgr: Your-
Guard: No. *turns away*
Thrgr: Have a nice day!
P1: h-how many orcs are firing at us?
DM: all of them.
That was 7 years ago. To this day, the most common answer to any question involving "how many", is "all of them", or "all of it."
-----------
P1: let's quickly make haste and gtfo!
DM: ... make what?
-----------
P1: we're going to cautiously barrel down the hallway, running as fast as we can, checking the floors, walls, and ceiling for traps.
-----------
Rogue: I hide.
DM: where?
Rogue: behind the torch (she was carrying).
-----------
P1: i walk through the arch.
DM: do you have more than 100 HPs?
P1: no.
DM: you die.
P2: when the DM asks you if you have more than 100 HPs, you say YES!
(for you kids, that's a Ghostbusters reference)
-----------
DM: the gargoyle grabs you. how much do you weigh?
P1: 110 lbs.
DM: you are carried into the air and dropped for ...
(P1 dies. P2's eyes are shut tight in concentration)
DM: the gargoyle grabs you. how much do you weigh?
P2: ... 151 lbs.
DM: good guess.
That was 3 years ago. Every character since has a weight of 151, 152, or 153 lbs. Even Exalted (white-wolf) characters have weight scribbled in next to anima.
oh, and gray eyes, but that's a different reference.
Orim Hellforge (me): Pyromaniac Fireblood Dwarf Fighter/Psion
there are more characters, but they've not done much in the way of funnies... 'cept that our apparently non-asian Samurai fakes a japanese accent..
anyway, on one of our various raids for our Ub3r Red Dragon overlord (who is related in some way, shape, or form to all of us...) we encountered a somewhat intelligent (and cocky) white Dragon. as I've got the "luck" of going first, I decided to use some witty banter.
Orim: "In tha name o' Hesthallidar (our RDO), We haev come ta smite yae"!
Dragon:"Pheh! You and what army, Dwarf?"
Orim:*Crushes a sack of 10 Elemental Fire Gems against a wall, right as my companions enter the room* "Me an' this Armae"
-T/K
DM:Inside the house is the gate, 15 demons and 8 innocents.
Me: I have a great plan! I will destroy the support beam, it will crush them!
DM: Ok you just killed 5 innocents. You are now evil.
Me: Really?
DM: Really.
I had been given a special necklace making me immune to sunlight, and it's 3 hours before dawn, and, because the sorcerer(s) being very powerful, we had no chance of killing the vampires. I shot a crossbow bolt into one of their hearts(after my DM tells me she doubted I would roll above a 15, and I rolled an 18, then I had to dodge because the vampire grabbed the bolt and threw it back at me, dc 18, I rolled a 19, and had 11 reflex anyway) Our Cleric then decides that casting turn undead is very useful considering it created a barrier, but it also forced me out. The real vampire sorcerer approaches me becuase I got forced out as well and interrogates me on why I travel with humans. I say the usual stuff, that I grew up with one of them, that I haven't given up on their humanity, uk the story, I stall him all the way up until dawn, and so the sun comes up. Right as he is starting to melt I see on his face a look of confusion as to why I'm not dying with him. I pull my necklace from under my shirt and say, "Your dying and I'm not because so-called puny humans gave me this. I'll see you in hell.":P :D
That was one of the lines that I loved, there was also a line while I was arguing with the vampire because our cleric was, well, less than bright both OOC and IC. Someone asked why I couldn't be within the barrier, I reminded them I'm a vampire as well, and our DM says something about me being a vampire and so that's why the barrier kept me out as well. At this point our cleric says "What barrier?". It may not sound as funny on here, but the whole room erupted in laughter and the DM and I were rolling on the floor laughing.
Long story, but I thoroughly enjoyed both what led up to the clerics line, and my line.
~V1zharan~
She helped alot and helped us sell more insurance. ;) Later in the campain as Topaz angel stated in the post abouve mine (were playing in the same campain) We turned evil by accidently sorta killing 5 innocents or something like that. After that my cleric was torn because he couldnt cast spells because he was evil. The barmaiden told us that she had been secretly running a cult to asomedeous in the bar.
My cleric bieng a goody good went and told the guards. The guards went and killed everyone at the bar. When they were about to kill the barmaiden much to our suprise this happened
DM: The guards approach the bar maiden swords drawn, but then turns into a sucbbi and stabs the guard.
Me:what!?!?!?! (we are only level one)
DM:She scowls at you and teleports away
Topaz Angel:Okay that was wierd
"As you enter the room, you sense an evil presence."
Cleric(a little too jovially): "Hey guys! I sense an evil presence!"
Me: Has anyone touched the rock?
Archer: Not yet (then he almost touches it)
*I pull out my staff of healing*
Me: You have seen the good this can bring, don't make me show you the evil. NOBODY TOUCHES IT!
OOC Me to the DM: I put my holy symbol on the stone.
All at once I just froze. O.O
OOC Me: CRAP!
He then pulled out Deities and Demigods. We were level 3.... Haha, but really it was a really great campaign.
Characters in this scene were:
Talrek -- the wizard, primary nuking machine, and leader of the group. At level 12, the player started taking levels in a slightly-altered-for-wizard-consumption Dragon Disciple, but the character doesn't know why he's transforming, and is extremely embarrassed about the resulting scales and claws and funky breath. As a result, he hides himself under the effect of a constantly activated Hat of Disguise to look like his old self, BEFORE he started the transformation, and so nobody in the campaign world has any idea what's happening to him.
Snik -- the party cleric, a Kobold, my character, and secondary nuking machine.
The duo reaches a puzzle room wherein they are required to light various dragon-shaped candles in order to pass. Upon doing so, the wall starts to glow -- and, consequently, the light seems to cancel out the magic of Talrek's hat, temporarilly revealing his true form in all his scaley glory. Snik, the only other party member with him at the time, notices.
Snik: "Uh.. Tally? ... your.. er.. scales are showing."
Talrek: *realising what's happened* "Er, what? ..Oh. Oh, yes. Yes, well, you see, the people who created the temple.. seem to have a great reverence for dragons. All the writing is an ancient form of Draconic, and, well, you can see the general theme on the candles themselves.. they're obviously magical, it must be some form of an illusionary byproduct. Facinating, isn't it?"
Now, normally, I would've let it go, but the player then proceeded to roll a Bluff check to fool me. He rolled quite high, to boot. And.. well.. I just couldn't let that stand. I had to take him down a peg. Unfortunately, although Snik's WIS was rather high, she had no ranks in Sense Motive, and there was simply no way she could've beaten the DC to see through the wizard's lame (but apparently very convincing) excuse for a story.
So, I took a different approach. Instead, I rolled Spellcraft to identify the spell effect emanating from the wall, instead, and passed with flying colours. Snik proceeded to turn to the wall, and with all calmness, reply:
Snik: "Oh, neat. ... I didn't know True Seeing could do that."
Talrek: *short pause* "Well, no, of course not. There's... obviously, erm.. another... ... I'm trying to look at the wall, do you mind?"
Ahhhh, sweet victory. Knowledge is power.
Anyway, this is an in-game conversation I witnessed in 8th grade, and it was part of what inspired me to take up the hobby. Some of it has to be paraphrased, due to the passage of time, but the important bits are accurate.
DM: You enter a room with a long table. THe table is covered with plates of food, bowls of soup, etc. What do you do?
Nonchalant player: I try some of the soup.
DM: Ok,...
Suspicious player: It's poisoned!
DM: Uh, no,...
SP: It's cursed!
DM: Nope.
SP: (getting louder) It's hexed!
DM: (Starting to smile) No,...
SP: (Getting frustrated) It's damned!
DM: No.
NP: So what happened?
DM: As you eat a few spoonfuls of the delicios chicken soup, you regain two hitpoints.
SP: DAMMIT!
I still refer to this conversation with newbs when explaining the concept of player-DM trust.
The party comprised of a me, a very melee oriented CG fighter/sorcerer/brass dragon disciple, a CN (formerly CG) female warlock I was always hitting on, a N male human necromancer/pale master with the skeleton companion variant (the skeleton was named TJ and had his own little backstory), and a neutral elven cleric of obad-hai who acted so much like a druid (held a quarterstaff, wore hide armor, etc) that the party never really caught on.
Anyway, here is a brief selection of our exploits.
We had just captured a kobold unconsious in a cave, and it was my idea to trap it under a box for interrogation.
Me: Hey, there, little fella. You awake yet?
DM: The kobold is awake, but says nothing.
Me: I take a closer look.
DM: "roll, roll" He sneak attacks you for (?) damage.
Me: What the-? With what?
DM: You didn't take away any of his weapons, so he hit you with his crossbow through a hole in the box.
Me: !
DM: In the face.
Me: That does it! From now on, we ALWAYS loot our prisoners!
We finished the kobold off with the warlock summonning a spider swarm, while I yelled at it for being ungrateful for our mercy. The neighbors complained about the noise of our laughter the next day.
The warlock had recently picked up the fell flight incantation, and rose above the treeline to scout ahead for the party.
Me: Hey!
Warlock: What?
Me: I can see up your skirt.:D
Warlock:
...Spider swarm!As I recall, I got bonus xp for roleplaying well, but still had to make a fort save against spider poison.
(We've been going through the woods, and have just killed a triceratops. The Necromancer decides to raise it and use it as a vehicle.)
Necro: I turn it into a skeleton!
(someone else): How will you ride in it if it has no skin?
DM: Well, you could go into town, but some leather, and cover it...
Necro: Great!
Me: and some armor might be a good idea, too.
Necro: Yeah!
Warlock: Dude, we are so going to pimp your ride!
(We've been hiking through a tower filled with wizards, and have found a way to skip most of the levels and enter the private rooms of the leaders. In the enchantress's room, the warlock has found a magic pair of charisma-enhancing undergarments (don't ask), and goes into another room to put them on.)
Warlock: Ok, I fifnish putting them on, and come back into the room with the others.
Necro: (not even looking up) Yestheymakeyoulookfat.
Me: (Trying to cover his stupidity) Really? I was hoping the armor dealership would have it some breatsplate in my size...
DM: Nice save.
Warlock: Indeed. I'll still spider-swarm you guys, but these ones won't be poisonous.
And of course, my favorite line to this day:
Warlock: Well, I think I'll check out the tavern.
Necro: Me too.
Me: Hold on. Haven't we heard this one? "A warlock, a necromancer, and a half-dragon walk into a bar..."
I didn't need to finish, but we were laughing too hard to try if I'd wanted to.
Being our evil selves, we decide to use the rest of the blood from the cause of the blood stain, the corpse of the original owner of the house (hey, it's not our fault he didn't pay up!) to stain the floor red. So we've set the cleric of Hextor up with bucket-and-mop, and someone puts out the question about what we should say if anyone asks about the floor.
Bruce, the resident halfling fighter (absently yet cheerily): "It's painted with cherries and love..."
The way he said it was priceless: think little kid with a sucker.
We eventually decided to keep the house, but it's always nice to have... consistent flooring.
My God, this thread is huge. I'm still only on page 26; I'll be reading for a month at this rate.
Anyway, this is an in-game conversation I witnessed in 8th grade, and it was part of what inspired me to take up the hobby. Some of it has to be paraphrased, due to the passage of time, but the important bits are accurate.
DM: You enter a room with a long table. THe table is covered with plates of food, bowls of soup, etc. What do you do?
Nonchalant player: I try some of the soup.
DM: Ok,...
Suspicious player: It's poisoned!
DM: Uh, no,...
SP: It's cursed!
DM: Nope.
SP: (getting louder) It's hexed!
DM: (Starting to smile) No,...
SP: (Getting frustrated) It's damned!
DM: No.
NP: So what happened?
DM: As you eat a few spoonfuls of the delicios chicken soup, you regain two hitpoints.
SP: DAMMIT!
I still refer to this conversation with newbs when explaining the concept of player-DM trust.
This sounds earily like the last session I had with my new/old (original starting new campaign) DM.
The difference? The food was poisoned. Luckily, the NPC was hungrier than we were.
Poor Meepo...he will be missed.
Wizard flet.
Elf fighter is under the pil of rocks after taking nearly deadly amount of damage.
And the other dwarf is shooting his light crossbow on a monster with chalange rating 17.
So... The dwarf with oil is moving dreadfully slowly. The wizard gatherd some courage and is runing toward him to help him. He failed his dex check and fell on the floor covered by bones right under dwarves feet.
Dwarf is cursing and slowly making another ten feet (as a full round action based on strength check) with his burden.
Wizard is getting up and running away by and shouts: "Good luck."
DM (me): Two black clad, armed warriors appear behind you.
Barbarian: I'm going to stand up!
DM (me): Ok, take a will save.
Barbarian: Ok, I'll sit down.
Glinfaëwyn- CN Elven Rogue
Cuddles- LE (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Barbed Devil
Castus- LG Pevishann Sorcerer
Kano- LN Elven Fighter, mute
Barsad- LG Elven Paladin
Investigating a crypt full of vampire spawn, trying to find a magical item called the Fiendish Foot. (Note: The Paladin's player came back that day after being gone for a bit.)
DM (me): You enter a room with two coffins on either wall.
Cuddles:OOC I open one! :D
DM: Another vamp. leaps out and grasps at your throat, pulling you in.
Cuddles:
Barsad's Player: Hey guys, sorry I'm late.
DM: No problem. Everyone hears a banging on the inside of the other coffin.
Barsad: Lemme out! Lemme ou... Oh no, not you guys again, put me back in!
While in the crypt, a vampire spawn dominates Cuddles. Barsad, the paladin sees this as his chance.
Barsad: Take this, fiend!
Glin: Yo, Barsad? we killed the vampire, he's not dominated anymore.
Barsad: Can I pretend I didn't hear that?
[BCastus:OOC[/b]I cast Detect magic on the vampire's items!
DM: The vampire's hoof-shaped necklace pendant radiates overpowering necromancy, your nose starts to bleed.
Kano:OOCI put it on!
DM: Your skin goes pale, your teeth lengthen, and you wonder what the paladin tastes like.
Barsad: This... Fiendish Foot looks suspicious. OOC Detect evil!
DM: Your nose starts to bleed and you pass out.
Kano: Can I put it back?
Later...
Cuddles: OOC Detect Sarcasm!
DM: Your nose starts to bleed and you pass out.
More later.
Ajhey, just so you know, your web comic site doesnt work anymore.
http://web.mac.com/emilyt/iWeb/DevilsFood/Home.html
New link to comic. SHINIER link to comic. <3
The party had just wandered into a town that was being secretly taken over by a covey of hags. Entering a tavern, the party in general made investigative small-talk while the Paladin scoped things out with Detect Evil. Here is what he saw:
"There is an old woman plucking and cleaning dead chickens just out back. As your gaze travels over her, she looks up glaring into your eyes, and opens her mouth in a snarl. But her lips just keep expanding until her long brown teeth extend outwards, making her mouth look like a blossom of rotting tooth-enamel as her long sinuous tongue waggles suggestively. Then her teeth fold back into their rows, until the old woman closes them with an audible 'click'. She then peaceably returns to plucking feathers from the evening's poultry."
Paladin, to the rest of the party: "Guys? Guys...whatever you do, don't order the chicken."
That's definitely going in my signature.
In a different and far more whimsical campaign -
I was playing a half-ogre barbarian. By tradition, half-ogre are always given a name with an 'r' in it, so of course my barbarian was named Buck. Short for Buckminster.
Well, my first Half-Ogre's name was Ghugoth...
This is an Iron Kingdoms campaign, by the way. The duel was concluded with the challenger (a young officer) on his back with a sword through him, conceding defeat, but the young wannabe nobleman was not content to win - he wanted to kill the man. The player who was acting as second (the others were in the trees, waiting), drew her pistol and stood over the man, ready to give him alchemical aid, and said she woulden't allow it. The man tried to administer the Coup de Grace, and she took her Ready Action - as did the player in the trees, with a crossbow trained on the swordsman, and about six dice of sneak attack.
Unbeknownst to the player of the Second, the clearing in the woods had been surrounded by people - the wounded officer's superior and his superior's unit. I described it thus:
Tressa: Gunmage, the Second of the wounded man.
Lucas: The Rogue hiding in the trees with the crossbow.
Drake: The wounded officer who lost the duel due to magical cheating.
Nero: The spoiled dandy who was playing the part of Atherton Wing.
Tressa: (After her and Lucas rolled roughly 100 damage between her arcane channeled Rune Bullet and his Sneak Attack) I expect a mushroom cloud is where he was standing right about now?
DM: Tressa, you and Lucas take your Readied Actions - and so, it seems, does the rest of the 'gorram verse. Gunfire erupts from every direction, colored bullets tearing through the air, Drake throws his hand up and two pink bolts streak into Nero's chest, a Lightning bolt rips through the clearing and intersects Nero, two more blasts of Magic Missile fly out of the woods, and two powerful vortexes of energy fire like lightning out of the treeline..... Roughly eighty to a hundred d6 of damage hit the puny man in under a round, so yes... A mushroom cloud would be an appropriate analogy.
I was a wizard looking into a room as my companions ( are fighting off demon hordes coming from the planar gate in the house.
DM:Inside the house is the gate, 15 demons and 8 innocents.
Me: I have a great plan! I will destroy the support beam, it will crush them!
DM: Ok you just killed 5 innocents. You are now evil.
Me: Really?
DM: Really.
I wonder what the other three did in that short a timespan.
Survive, presumably
and/or crapped temselves
CE Cleric (Me)
DM: Ok, you are talking to a commoner when a well dressed good looking man comes up and disturbs your conversation. As he butts in, the man has long fangs and draws the womans neck back and bites her.
Me: (pause).... ok, I bite her too then.
:OMG!
the creator of the network cast the spell and brought it up, and immediately was bombarded by these new voices. The ex-Paladin/ Psionic then ran over to me (since I had just returned from someplace... and was noticeably "different") and began trying to remove my new guests.
As he was trying to do this he made some comment about fighting the powers within my mind and how noble it would be to do so.
my response:
"My dinner party is bigger than your dinner party, so you and the wife (referring to the chick with the spell) just keep to yourselves."
---------
Gnome preparing a bomb and setting it.
Rogue standing watch and getting ready to sign the rest of the group.
Rogue: is it set?
Gnome: yea.....I think.
Rogue: you think?
Gnome: sure?!
Rogue: how far away should we be when it goes?
Gnome: umm.... well I guess however far we can get in the next 10 seconds or so....
Rogue: isn't this suppose to blow up this city block?
Gnome: well ::holds up small chunk of gnomish plastique:: this should take care of the block ::points to set bomb on the ground (which is 10 times the size of the handful):: that amount? well... I rounded up.
Rogue: I hate you.
DM: and I think this is where we roll iniatives.
--------
Wizard to the Paladin
Wizard: what are the chances you were seperated at birth?
Paladin: I don't understand, seperated at birth from what?
Wizard: I don't know... a personality, some sense of humility, common sense. You name it, you're prolly missing it.
(Out of Character)
Paladin: I walked right into that didn't I? I suck.
Wizard: You said it.
(Don't worry it was all in good fun.)
The very large Barbarian woman who mistrusted the gnome from the second he joined the party and always had one eye on him saw this and asked: "what are you doing, and whatever it is, it can't be good."
ME: I think it's time for me to have a permanent night-light.
Barbarian: ..... many seconds later (she wasn't that smart) she put the pieces together...."need some help?"
DM: I think hell just froze over, the Barbarian and the Gnome have found a common enemy and are working together to defeat it, it's just too bad it's Ivy (the Lantern Arcon).
Cuddles- LE (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Barbed Devil
Castus- LG Pevishann Sorcerer
Kano- LN Elven Fighter, mute
Barsad- LG Elven Paladin
After they return to Saemar (main city, Egyptian influences), they discover some nasty cult has set up shop there and is shaking down non-human businesses (note: cult is pro human, anti everything else). Kano & Castus stay back to guard a shop that was just shaken down.
DM: The thughs who've been frightening Tinker's customers away seem to be leaving...
Castus: Well, that's good...
DM:... with a 6 year old halfling child in tow.
Castus:
They follow the men into an alley, where they plan to beat up the kid (mom didn't pay the protection money). Castus guards the alley mouth, while Kano Bull Rushes one ruffian into the wall.
DM: The other cultist draws a dagger and presses it to the child's throat.
Cultist: Don't move, or the kid gets it!
Kid:
Mummy!Kano: OOC Darn it! I can't do anything.
DM: The cultist, with his hostage, backs towards the entrance to the alley!
Castus: OOC Does he notice me?
DM: No.
Castus: OOC I draw my dagger and put it to his throat!
Meanwhile, Glin and Cuddles try to follow the only cultist whose name and occupation they know, a city guardsman named Larry. Cuddles hides in the shadows, while Glin disguises herself as a human and speaks to his commanding officer.
Glin: Excuse me, I'm looking for Larry?
Officer: You're another one of his girls? I tell you, that guy's bad news. I know he probably promised you the world, but I've had three other girls by tonight looking for him... each calling him her fiancé!
Glin: *thinks fast* Actually, he's my uncle!
Officer:
He lives at 21 Ibis Road.Cuddles: *very loudly* DIDJA FOOL HIM?
Glin:
uh... Bye! *runs like crazy*Our party got trapped inside of a "vampire thrown town meeting"
CE Cleric (Me)
DM: Ok, you are talking to a commoner when a well dressed good looking man comes up and disturbs your conversation. As he butts in, the man has long fangs and draws the womans neck back and bites her.
Me: (pause).... ok, I bite her too then.
WOW. When in Rome...
Meanwhile, Glin and Cuddles try to follow the only cultist whose name and occupation they know, a city guardsman named Larry. Cuddles hides in the shadows, while Glin disguises herself as a human and speaks to his commanding officer.
Glin: Excuse me, I'm looking for Larry?
Officer: You're another one of his girls? I tell you, that guy's bad news. I know he probably promised you the world, but I've had three other girls by tonight looking for him... each calling him her fiancé!
Glin: *thinks fast* Actually, he's my uncle!
Officer:
Cuddles: *very loudly* DIDJA FOOL HIM?
Glin:
...I love Cuddles. :D
Eberron campaign, my cleric just got into trouble with the sharn watch, and we're all running into the earth-elemental bound car.
DM: okay, you all run into the car and start to run.
rogue: Idiot! How are we going to get out of this one.
I tried pretty hard not to say it, but I had to...
cleric: They can't catch us, we're on a mission from god.
Another time... me as the psion fighting a werewolf who is simultaneously trying to eat us and some cows.
Me: I cast telekinesis on a cow and use it in violent thrust mode to hit the werewolf.
DM: okay...that's...*rolls* 52 damage, the werewolf is crushed into a beefy paste.
me: BOVINE INTERVENTION!
BOVINE INTERVENTION!
Pure Genius! I woke up my whole dorm just now laughing!
Three cookies to anyone who spots either reference.
Eberron campaign, my cleric just got into trouble with the sharn watch, and we're all running into the earth-elemental bound car.
DM: okay, you all run into the car and start to run.
rogue: Idiot! How are we going to get out of this one.
I tried pretty hard not to say it, but I had to...
cleric: They can't catch us, we're on a mission from god.
This one was far too easy. Blues Brothers
But I will still take my three cookies
Finally a real town.
This one was far too easy. Blues Brothers
But I will still take my three cookies
Correct, and you have no idea how many people never even heard of that awesome film.
me: BOVINE INTERVENTION!
Hmm, is this one a reference to BG2 and how the wild magic occasionally dropped cows on people?
sooooo not... I never played BG2, played the first one and got horrified by the already awful plot ending in: "I am your father, luke". Avoided the series like the plague itself ever since.
For what its worth, I thought the second one was very good and the plot was actually decent
BOVINE INTERVENTION!
Divine Intervention, the three minute Pally bubble from World of Warcraft. Pitty that Taurens cant do it or it would be bovine.
The party was inside an orc camp speaking to the overconfident orc chieftain.
DM: The chieftain turns his back to you to show he is not afraid.
Fighter(OOC): I get 2 attacks this round right?
Our first 3E game:
My character was away from the party when this happened thank goodness. The party had found a red dragon secured to the ground with a magical chain that is impervous to his attacks. They knew the way to break the chain to free the dragon and decided to bargain with it for its freedom.
Barbarian: "We'll free you if you help us defeat Sargon, the overlord of the region"
DM(Dragon): "Free me and then we'll talk"
Wizard: "Ok" *breaks chain*
DM: The dragon lifts itself into the air and starts flying towards the city[a city that was allied with the PCs].
Paladin: "He's going the wrong way, Sargon encampment is the opposite way."
me: ...
Our first 3E game:
My character was away from the party when this happened thank goodness. The party had found a red dragon secured to the ground with a magical chain that is impervous to his attacks. They knew the way to break the chain to free the dragon and decided to bargain with it for its freedom.
Barbarian: "We'll free you if you help us defeat Sargon, the overlord of the region"
DM(Dragon): "Free me and then we'll talk"
Wizard: "Ok" *breaks chain*
DM: The dragon lifts itself into the air and starts flying towards the city[a city that was allied with the PCs].
Paladin: "He's going the wrong way, Sargon encampment is the opposite way."
me: ...
Dragons: Color Coded for your convenience! Now just if the wizard knew that
thank'ee, but the spell is borrowed from a game, do you know which one?
My guess is Sacrifice. I think it caused a rain of cows. I think it's the last spell of the god James, who's an Earthworm... the references just keep going, don't they?
Dragons: Color Coded for your convenience! Now just if the wizard knew that
You cant tell me a wizard wouldnt have ranks in Knowledge (Arcana).
If they dont, they fail. At everything.
My guess is Sacrifice. I think it caused a rain of cows. I think it's the last spell of the god James, who's an Earthworm... the references just keep going, don't they?
That would be Jim, and yes, yes they do.
My guess is Sacrifice. I think it caused a rain of cows. I think it's the last spell of the god James, who's an Earthworm... the references just keep going, don't they?
It's also the second last spell. Lobs a single cow into the air, where it does some somersaulting and etc. before it dives into the unfortunate target, who gets instagibbed.
You cant tell me a wizard wouldnt have ranks in Knowledge (Arcana).
If they dont, they fail. At everything.
Apparently, he did fail at everything. Even Elan knows it.
halfling ill: i have 2 choses A) I turn invisable and sneak away or B) I run up and attack them
human red mage: ooc let the dice decide
halfling: good idea 1-99 will be a and 100 will be B
:rolls d%:
halfling:
human: 100 right?
halfling: yes
others:
My guess is Sacrifice. I think it caused a rain of cows. I think it's the last spell of the god James, who's an Earthworm... the references just keep going, don't they?
Correct! Although it is a single cow. Wow, I need to play that game now...
his reply, in the appropriate voice ofcourse: "there is no number one, only number two".
Sadly, no one got the reference, and I shouldn't, being only fourteen.
the situation: we're trying to catch a certain criminal, who's taken control of a tower and is in floor 58 of 72, we're supposed to climb through 57 floors of dungeon
.So, here's what I did...(bear in mind: greataxe, destructive rage, enlarged, and a max str (reached in this case) of 64).
me: I equip my ring of flying and fly above the top floor.
DM: okay.
me: Once I'm 100 feet above the top floor, I equip my ring of falling damage immunity(might not be the exact name, but it's something the resident artificer made), and deactivate fly before simultaneously raging, frenzying and full power attacking through the ceilings, here's a ref save of 22 to stop when I get to the right floor.
DM:ah, right, you get there safely.
me, to the rest of the party: You hear the barbarian's voice echoing from within the tower, something along the lines of "thog smmaaaaaaaaaaa......"
DM: okay, you land, what do you say/do?
me: With the intimidating battle cry of "rawr!" I charge at him and full power attack while falling.
DM: *tallies everything up* he dies.
Okay we've been fighting this huge psionic cult tht wishes to teach ppl the ways of the mind. So I go in and infiltrate the cult and I learn about their history and plans(some stupid plan to take over the world and such).
So afterwards, were sitting around discussing what I had found.(BTW all of this is OOC)
Rouge: Man, ur really did make a stupid cult.
DM: Well, yeah, but its not that bad.
Me: Yeah, I mean It's just like Scientology, except with a better concept
Everyone ROTFLOL.
My next one wuz where we were analyzing our characters weak points. We have a rougue who duel wields and practically never hits with them. We have our Barb who is both in real life and as a character, really stupid. We have our sorc, who at 8th lvl, still had a negative to Spot. And me, our incarnete who always gets a critical rolled on him wheneve he fights anything.
So I can up with a way to decribe our characters:
The Rouge cant hit the broad side of a barn, the Sorc can't see the barn, the Barb cant find his way outside the barn, and the barn always gets criticals against me.
P1: Wow, we really kicked his
!P2: No, we destroyed his
!P3: (laughs) We've a halfling-powered weapon of
destruction!For reference, we did have an awesome way of victory. The halfling swordsage (master of the setting sun school) used comet throw to throw the warforged war mind at the BBEG. DM allowed said warforged to spend an action point to attack on the throw. He was a 10th level war mind, and so was able to deal an extra 10d6. And then there was the damage from comet throw.
We were inspired to try this after an earlier point when the halfling used ballista throw with the warforged (and spent action point) to carve a nice hole in the BBEG's army.
I love this party. We seriously have a halfling-powered cannon that shoots warforged. And just for reference, we did have a contingencied repair damage spell ready on the warforged.
The Rouge cant hit the broad side of a barn, the Sorc can't see the barn, the Barb cant find his way outside the barn, and the barn always gets criticals against me.
Elf fighter... A good one.
EF: I want to kill something and NOW or I am going to cry!
DM (me): It is nearly noon, sun is high in the sky and the light of a day is all around you, there is no way undead, are going to crawl out of their cold and nasty graves to attack you.
EF: Pity...
DM: But you remeber, that you forgot, to chcek if the doors in the end of the hall are locked.
EF: I am going there and trying to open them.
DM: You opened them and you feel something crowling up your leg.
EF: I stand still, but I am prepared to attack if necesary.
DM: It is a huge bug. It attacks. You are ready for that, so you attack frst.
EF: *roll* *roll* *roll* Critical hit for 19 damage.
DM: (Bug has only one HP left) You cut a half of his head off, but it is still alive and attacking you. (I have made some rough bugs, to make players more excited and one of the things I improved (besides HP and AC and saves) was range of critical hit to 19-20) *roll* *roll*
20 and 19. What is your AC?EF: 19
DM: (Confirmation roll) *roll* *roll* 19 and 19 :OMG!
O-Okay. You take two critical hits. *Rolling damage*
EF: I dont want to see it.
DM: Okay... Ehm.. You take 21 points of damage. How many do you have left?
EF: -1
PC: *rolls knowlage check* - low
DM: You are not able to understand any of this, except pictures, but you don know what are in them.
PC:
PC (Talking like as a dwarf): Bah! These blueprints were made by some crazy fool. There is no reason to waste time with them!
Favored Soul: "You know, if my god had decided to grant me the ability speak with the dead this would be really easy. Not that I'm not grateful for all He's... What are you smiling about?"
Diviner: [not saying a word hands Favored soul a scroll]
Favored Soul: [casts read magic, then looks at the Diviner] "This is a scroll of speak with dead."
Diviner: "Yes."
Favored Soul: "A divine scroll of speak with dead."
Diviner: "Yes."
Favored Soul: "You're a wizard."
Divner: "Yeeeesss..."
Favored Soul: "Why do you have this?"
Diviner: "Because I knew I would need it."
Diviner: "Because I knew I would need it."
That is a sentence all Diviners should strive to use
Cast:
Me (Gnome Bard ,6 wisdom) 1
Lizardfolk Barbarian 1
Drow Paliden 1
FIrst after fighting some goblinoids
DM:so what about the one you knocked unconsis(sp)
Me: Im tying him up and using him as a shield!
DM:
Later upon finding a random skull
Me: I talk to it (6 wis)
DM: It says noyhing
Me: No i can hear it telling use to take a left
We later found a big pile of gold on the left. We now "Consult the skull"
LB: You mean those schimetares(sp) we gave the gnome were masterwork
Me:D
ME: Okay you two grapple the ogre
They succeed
ME (ooc) Im going to shove three gallons of oil down the ogres throut and light a tindertwig then run a way
Everyone else:OMG!
Me:D
DM:Your hostage monsters die of malnutrisment(sp)
ME:
DM: you see a huge clockwork statue with a tiny mechanisim
ME: Shiney! i poke it
DM: it becomes animated and attacks you
ME: UM..... i un-poke it
LB: I throw the gnome in the trap
ME
DM: He flys over the trap and into the treasure on the other side
Me::D
DM: Ok youre trying to grapple the Ogre
Me: yah.... I roll.......20!
DM:
...1ME::D
LB: Quick Bard let me use your 10ft pole
Me: sorry it is reserved for the ladys
Alot i know hope it was funny.
Me:Are they wearing dresses?
For the record, she then hung me from my ankles.
~V1zharan~
thank'ee, but the spell is borrowed from a game, do you know which one?
The Cow Spell from Baldur's Gate 2....best level 5 spell my sorc ever took :D
[Edit]
Correct! Although it is a single cow. Wow, I need to play that game now...
This is what i get for not reading the whole thread
[/Edit]
Well he then hears "An army is attacking the city!" from someone running inside. He grabs the sword and says "TO ARMS!!"
He gets to the city walls brandishing the sword.... and there is literally an army. 100s of skeletons, zombies, ghouls and ghasts. In the front is an evil blackguard holding a shield who points at him. The blackguard says "You have my sword."
In a pathetic Monty Python type of voice the swordsage says "Yup. Just getting it for you sir!" and drops the sword and runs like hell out of town.
Luckily it was just a flashback and wasnt actually happening.
She: Human bard
My previous character (a gnome druid) had just died, and I was reentering the party with this halfling sorcerer.
The female human bard and me were in town buying mirrors for a haphazard ritual.
At the mirror shop, she is aghast to find a poster of herself--naked. It turns out, in another town she had agreed to pose for a painter, but afterwards he took the painting and copied her face over a random female body, and was selling copies everywhere.
She: "I can't let my reputation be spoiled like that. Please, offer to buy that poster!"
Me: "I'll ask. Excuse me, sir, how much is that poster?"
Mirror man: "I'm not selling it. It inspires my employees and keeps them working."
She: (whispers to me) "Please, please, insist! Buy it!" (Even though she has twice as much Diplomacy as I have.)
Me: (whisper to her) "I'll buy it, if you let me keep it."
She:
(And I'm lawful good!)
In the end, we didn't manage to get the poster, and some time afterwards she told me something that could be mischievously rephrased and misinterpreted (I don't remember what), and I replied (suspicious look on my face), "Aren't you perchance halfling-sexual, are you?"
The wizard in the party (named Mordrik) was standing on top of a huge flying bulette simulacrum over the small kobold encampment. They had began worshipping him as a god and were bringing out his tribute:
DM: After a few minutes they bring out gold, silver, and copper as well as various other precious gems, the total worth about 2000 gold and pile it at your feet.
Mordrik: "This is a good tribute, but I only have use of the copper, the rest you may ke..."
Kobolds(DM): "He wants copper!"
DM: They begin taking off copper necklaces and jewelry and throwing them into a pile.
DM: and a dagger flew out of the darkness and nearly hit Gimble (me)
Yingway (Spelltheif): ooc So the darkness finnaly attacked back
Rest:
*and me on the ground hacking up a lung due to the remnents of pneumonia*Another one:
DM: *Describinf big huge climactic meeting with Bahamut, and O Fortuna playing in the background* And there was a flash of light, the 7 birds and the platnium dragon dissappering from this realm and......
Spellthief: My pants dissappeared!
Rest
Originally Posted by Ace the Dead
Diviner: "Because I knew I would need it."
Classic, truely classic.
The Party
- ThiLynn- LE Aasimar Paladin of Tyranny Ur-Priest
Disguised as a Hound Archon cleric of Pelor, uses tons of divine metamagic cheese to good effect. - Xandu Hotep- LN Draconic Jungle Goblin Dragon Shaman (Green)
Planet-hopping eccentric looking to regain his immense hoard. - Belton- LN Stoneblessed Stonechild Deepwarden
Grew up with Dwarves, learned to be like them. Has a massive armor class. - Sorm the Quick- CG Catfolk Barbarian Paladin of Freedom Pious Templar
Has more classes than everyone else combined, uses various methods to get many attacks in at the end of a charge. - Bo- NG Human Wizard
Sorm's cohort, the hick wizard. Uses tons of lightning spells, and no one can figure out why. Speaks with a heavy country accent.
First Meeting
DM: You all arrive at the castle at about the same time, coming from different directions. First, there is a massive, probably the largest any of you have ever seen, hound archon. She is clad in gleaming full plate bearing the holy symbol of Pelor, and carries a warhammer seemingly made out of pure light. Next is a... cat person, carrying a greatsword that looks as if it weighs two pounds. It looks like he could walk faster than most people run. Finally, with booming steps approaches what looks like a giant iron golem, greatsword on back.
Belton: (OOC) I take off my helmet.
DM:The iron golem removes what you now know as a his helmet, and inside is what looks like a... stone golem!
ThiLynn: (OOC) Ooh, I bet if we take off his head we'll find a flesh golem inside, like those Russian dolls!
* * *
The Briefing
DM: The old man pauses in his speech, and looks among you. "I thought there were supposed to be four of you," He says.
Bo, the cohort, having been forgotten, of course.
Bo:Whut, can'tcha count?
DM: Suddenly, there's a bright light above your heads. It hangs in the air for a moment, and suddenly a circular portal opens in the air. You all hear the sounds of a battle, loud explosions, and shouts. After a short second, a goblin falls out, landing on his back. He holding an odd looking device that looks like it has three wands strapped on it.
Me: (OOC) I scream in Goblin, and fire the rod. A multicolored cone flies out, along with several Magic Missiles and a massive web.
(God I love the Rod of Many Wands. :D )
DM: The portal closes up, and you are left laying on the floor, surrounded by these people (motions,) a regiment of guards, and an old grizzled man. It is dead silent.
Me: Umm... (stands up, brushes self off.) (Looks around. There is a long pause.) Hi! I'm Xandu! (Sticks out hand.)
Old man:Well, now that everyone's here...
* * *
Those Dwarves...
The group was scouting an evacuated town looking for a rift to the Plane of Shadow. We approached the town square. Laying near the center was a beautiful, scantily clad woman, seemingly unconscious. Next to her is a sack on its side, spilling out gold.
Me: Wait! I've seen one of these before! Gul'fur, as the Dwarves say, a...
Belton: A trap.
Me:...a trap.
Of course, it was. After we all made our saves against the Wail of The Banshee trap, the hidden Bebelith attacked.
Sorm: I [long stream of maneuvers, swift spells, charging smites, attack rolls, calculations] do X amount of damage and four points CON damage.
DM: It rears back in fury, stabbing at you with it's HUGE claws, and bites at you. [dice, numbers, numbers] take X damage.
ThiLynn: (Walks up, pokes it.)
DM: Sorm, as your whirling blades cut into it and it flails at you, you suddenly realized it's... already dead.
Sorm: (Looks suspiciously at ThiLynn.)
ThiLynn: (OOC) What, it's not like Slay Living is an evil spell.
That's all for now, I've got a few more and we're playing tomorrow, so expect more. :D
Elocater
sees me fending off...something) Need any help?Monk(Me): Nah, I'm cool.
Elocater: Ah, alright.
That happened on every one of his turns, as he saw me punching an invisible creature grappling me in the head. It got all four tentacles attached, and I killed it the initiative count before it would have auto killed me. This is the second or third time the DM tried to kill me via grappling, and despite having a higher modifier, couldn't beat me on an opposed grapple check.
After surviving that fight, I was hit by a taxi. And then caught in a fire trap. And then, finally killed by a swinging blade trap.
only reason we got as far as we did was cuz my warlock was uber powerful
Dude if we had complete scoundrel he would have been off the chart
haha yeah
imagine warlock 20//Scout1/Rog19 and you have Skirmish as a level 20 scout +2d6 from improved skirmish feat and the rogue/scout multiclass feat
eldritch blast seak attack would be like 99d6 while skirmishing
i think you just roll death
ThiLynn: (OOC) Ooh, I bet if we take off his head we'll find a flesh golem inside, like those Russian dolls!
Then take that off and then he'd have a bone golem!
You see, there are barrels of gunpowder in the game that when you get near you get an option to "ignite" and naturally, blow stuff up. My friend had only played once before, and hadn't quite figured these barrels out. Incidentally, the button to ignite the barrels is also the button you use to pick up items.
So he wanders up to one, presses the ignite button. Stands there while it fizzes, looking puzzles, and then swings at it.
KABOOM!
When I couldn't stop laughing and asked what on earth he'd been doing, he told me "I was trying to pick up the ig-nit!"
"You mean IGNITE???"
"ohhh......."
Cracked me up......
Could be worse.
You could turn into a panda whenever splashed by cold water.
Or a little black piglet.
This was basically my second (but true first) campaign so no one even had named their character. that I ever played and it wasn't your usuall game.
DM: "God of Plot-holes" randomly appears to drop our Guys to a dark void (if the player is absent) or to give tiny rewards or horrible punishment.
Me: Barbarian (CG): Probably a strange character I created, it wasn't stupid since it could read, and it was actually the diplomat. Think of it in the lines of a berseker, calm and collective, but once in rage..fear!! except in the very begining when I couldn't hit anything.
Cleric (CE): An evil cleric who follows the path of Nerrul and wishes to become an undead necromancer; isn't above betraying other.
Rogue (CN): Probably the worst rogue in the world. He couldn't lie, steal, hit, and se probably suffere the wrath of the "God of plot-hole" the most.
First Impression:
As in true cliche meeting, the rouge, cleric and myself are in a bar. The cleric ends up in a bar figth agaisnt four drunks
Me: Seeing as it s an unfair figth I decide to help the cleric.
[after a few rounds of not hitting anything and being near to being knocked out]
Me(OOC): This doesn't seem good, but as long as the cleric can heal me...
Cleric(OOC): I decide to run away.
Me:
doing some time:
while we were doing our time (during the bar figth the cleric was taken for starting the figth, rouge SA someone during the figth and me for attempting to attack the cleric.) the General in charge was keeping an eye on us.
DM: you been each handed it food, which consist of only a small piece of bread.
Rogue(OOC):(after eating his share) I try to steal the bread of the barbarian.
*Rolls a sleigth of hand check*
Me:*Rolls spot check* I clearly see you attempting to take my food.
Rouge(OCC): I quickly take it and shuve it in my mouth.
Me:
General: what is this nonsence, stop your babbling at once.
*The cleric and the rouge try to attepmt to bluff their way by saying they are followers of pelor but fail miserrably because the General has the cleric's holy symbol and the rogue as always just stinks at lies*
Me: Please hear me out my plea, I have done nothing but sit quietly in here and this thief here stole all that I had for norishment.
General: And how those this concern me as you are not a follower of our god Pelor.
Me: Even though I am not a follower I do believe in his teaching and use them as my code of life *succeeds bluff check*
Generall: Is that so, well I guess I ow should apologies, for earlier, do worry about the rogue as he will probably stay here longer, and since you didn't do any serious crime, with good behavior you should be leaving in a few days.
Rogue and Cleric:
Me:
THis is just the begining and I will add more later. Alot more people will join the group as well.
We had a elven fighter, human wizard demonizer, half-elf sorcerer, cleric, twf rogue diplomat, and rogue skillmonkey, and me the fighter/rogue/occult slayer/shadow dancer.
We were chasing a merchant's daughter that disappeared. To make sure we didn't take his money and leave he put a geas that would kill us in a fortnight. We came to another merchant that was recently seen traveling with her.
merchant: What may I do for you?
Fighter: We're looking for someone.
Merchant's wife: Honey can you get some silk on your next trip?
I think wow, we know he was traveling with a hot babe and he's married, great poker chip. And thats when the party back hands me.
RD: Hey! did you know your husband just got off the road with a hot rich chick?
wife: What was that?
Me: nothing, nothing to rogue why did you say that? Don't you see we can blackmail him?
Fighter: He said that your husband cheating on you!
Wife: herald not again lying piece of @#$%^.
merchant: Get out, get out, GET OUT!
Somehow we got the info we needed out of some rogues he sent after us. God that wasn't even the bad part. We found out she was about to be killed in exchange for the bbeg's immortality. And we get captured in the mountains 8 days travel from the merchants place, with about 12 days left on the geas.
To make it short the rogue TOLD HIM WE HAD A DEATH GEAS ON US.
He promptly put us in our "rooms" and told us he'd see us tomorrow. After I "had words" with the rogue we challege the BBEG to a showdown hoping he had a since of honor. Thankfully he did and fought and beat him but got a demon disguised as the girl went back up the mountain killed the BBEG again and got the right girl, took her home. But wait more good news it turns out that the merchant didn't put a death geas on us and couldn't pay what he said he would. I being the understanding person I was gave him a little piece of what he put me though.
I most say that this is probably the best thread I have seen in this and other forums. every new story inspires me to do better and better to make amazing story like these. After just readying I decided to start contributing as well.
This was basically my second (but true first) campaign so no one even had named their character. that I ever played and it wasn't your usuall game.
DM: "God of Plot-holes" randomly appears to drop our Guys to a dark void (if the player is absent) or to give tiny rewards or horrible punishment.
Me: Barbarian (CG): Probably a strange character I created, it wasn't stupid since it could read, and it was actually the diplomat. Think of it in the lines of a berseker, calm and collective, but once in rage..fear!! except in the very begining when I couldn't hit anything.
Cleric (CE): An evil cleric who follows the path of Nerrul and wishes to become an undead necromancer; isn't above betraying other.
Rogue (CN): Probably the worst rogue in the world. He couldn't lie, steal, hit, and se probably suffere the wrath of the "God of plot-hole" the most.
First Impression:
As in true cliche meeting, the rouge, cleric and myself are in a bar. The cleric ends up in a bar figth agaisnt four drunks
Me: Seeing as it s an unfair figth I decide to help the cleric.
[after a few rounds of not hitting anything and being near to being knocked out]
Me(OOC): This doesn't seem good, but as long as the cleric can heal me...
Cleric(OOC): I decide to run away.
Me:
doing some time:
while we were doing our time (during the bar figth the cleric was taken for starting the figth, rouge SA someone during the figth and me for attempting to attack the cleric.) the General in charge was keeping an eye on us.
DM: you been each handed it food, which consist of only a small piece of bread.
Rogue(OOC):(after eating his share) I try to steal the bread of the barbarian.
*Rolls a sleigth of hand check*
Me:*Rolls spot check* I clearly see you attempting to take my food.
Rouge(OCC): I quickly take it and shuve it in my mouth.
Me:
General: what is this nonsence, stop your babbling at once.
*The cleric and the rouge try to attepmt to bluff their way by saying they are followers of pelor but fail miserrably because the General has the cleric's holy symbol and the rogue as always just stinks at lies*
Me: Please hear me out my plea, I have done nothing but sit quietly in here and this thief here stole all that I had for norishment.
General: And how those this concern me as you are not a follower of our god Pelor.
Me: Even though I am not a follower I do believe in his teaching and use them as my code of life *succeeds bluff check*
Generall: Is that so, well I guess I ow should apologies, for earlier, do worry about the rogue as he will probably stay here longer, and since you didn't do any serious crime, with good behavior you should be leaving in a few days.
Rogue and Cleric:
Me:
THis is just the begining and I will add more later. Alot more people will join the group as well.
Your DM needs to be smacked. "And how does this concern me as you are not a follower of our god pelor?"
Excuse me, when did Neutral Good start abusing their criminals because they don't follow their god? Does your DM even understand alignment or what Pelor is all about?
See, the 'General' character is neither a cleric nor a paladin. He could be any one of the nine alignments. He could even be Neutral Evil if necessary.
Just because you worship Pelor doesn't mean you are Neutral Good
Cast of importance:
Orcy: DM. Homebrew world where some of our past charicters are the gods.
Saphire: Catfolk sorc/warlock/hellfire warlock. ECL: 14 at the time. Has ranks in Knowledge (The planes)
The druid: Dont know what his name was, but he pulled our wagon in rhino form until he got killed in a random encounter along the way.
Gunther: Me. Half-giant battle sorc/osteomancer, and 7th charicter this campagn...Everyone else is only on their 3rd or 4th...
DM: "As you leave the port city, you see the mygrod planes sprawling in every direction. The druid, as a rhino, is pulling the wagon with the rest of you in it. After a few hours, make spot checks."
We do, Saphyr and the druid notice we are being followed. Druid can't say anything cuz he's a rhino at the moment.
Saphyr: "Hey guys, were being followed." *Points them out*
Gunther: "Hey, so we are. So, who do you think they are?"
Saphyr: "Dunno. Good thing I have knowledge of the planes!"
A few seconds of everyone processing that...
Everyone:
I'm just going to let you take it all in, and get a good glimpse of the insanity that happens when we get together.
Kudos to that one, though.
Your DM needs to be smacked. "And how does this concern me as you are not a follower of our god pelor?"
Excuse me, when did Neutral Good start abusing their criminals because they don't follow their god? Does your DM even understand alignment or what Pelor is all about?
No, the DM needs to be smacked for planting the PCs with a non-lethal Geas idea, since Geas isn't lethal for any length of the imagination. Dealing only 3d6/day with sickened, there's no way it could have killed every PC after a set number of days. Heck, Acid Arrow is more fatal
Epoch-of-Endings: my character, a githzerai psychic warrior 13. Member of the Bleak Cabal. Basically a goth poet who fails at making a living at it.
Leis Dawncastle: Or something like that. Paladin/crusader of Harmonium. Has a mechanical arm (with retractable blade, and a flaming gauntlet with insane critical range. Seriously, if he hits, it's a threat). Had his arm torn off by a devil working for Dispater to steal a holy sword needed for a ritual. Our mission is to retrieve it.
Craig the Iron Tooth: A homebrew fighter fix. Blood War veteran. Actually has an iron tooth. Lots of devil-touched feats. Some reflect taking suveniers, not pledging himself to hell. It's still a good thing the paladin doesn't use detect evil. Again, I probably have the name wrong.
Fallen Angel: Can't for the life of me remember her name. A fallen angel due to some illicit affair resulting in the birth of something heaven so did not want. Had her wings cut off. Cleric/diviner/homebrew PrC (mystic theurge focused on divining). Amazingly high diplomacy, bluff, sense motive, etc. Ideal face. Loves Storm Bolt (chain lightning means 6d6). Player used to non-D&D magic systems. Reserve feats feel familiar.
Rogue: Again, can't remember name. Rogue/swashbuckler/swordsage. Focused on Shadow Hand, with some of the weaker Setting Sun techniques.
Note: Everyone else had been together in a different Planescape game. What they've learned: NEVER go to Dis through the 1st circle of hell. Do NOT tick off the five-headed dragon goddess. Also, if you're going to leave the boat on Styx to go looting, leave someone to keep an eye on the ship. Summarizing the last game:
"Oh, it was nothing much. Just a little apocolypse. No harm meant, no foul."
Scene 1: Getting two frogs for opening a portal to Dis.
Epoch: I shall name this one Shadow, and this one Angst. I shall offer Shadow on the way in, that he may bring us luck in our stealth. [OOC] I start speaking a farewell poem to Shadow.
Rogue: That's it, I can't take it anymore! I slit the frog's throat.
Leis: You did it a favor.
Rogue: Who cares about the damn frog?! I was doing myself a favor!
Scene 2: Traveling in Dis.
We notice something watching us. It's invisible, but we can see it's basic outline. And it is definitely watching it.
Epoch: I fire Energy Ray.
DM: Roll to overcome SR.
I roll 18 (natural).
DM: You fail to overcome its SR. The form comes flying at you and dispells its invisibility. It's a pit fiend.
Rogue:
Run away!Anyway, we don't end up running away. Epoch finds several swords at his throat, his comrades holding him for said pit fiend. Which turned out to be our contact. He could get us into the tower. Wanted to see Dispater humiliated.
During negotiations: some debate about whether we want to accept his offer.
Epoch: Who cares what his motive his?! He doesn't want to kill me for shooting him!
Pit Fiend: I would suggest your friend learn a little more tact. This city is not very forgiving.
Epoch: Meep.
Later during negotiations:
Epoch: (swords still at throat) Take the offer! Take the offer!
Pit Fiend: I shall find you on your way out (to give us a ruby the size of an elephant's head).
Epoch: I see. You'll be with the rest of hell chasing us.
Pit Fiend: I do you'll find a more subtle way of stealing the sword.
Epoch: So do I, but don't get your hopes up. (sword draws closer to his neck)
Scene 3: Dealing with the cornugon guards. We decide to tie up the paladin and claim to be turning him in. We basically tell our story but claim to have only recently learned of the paladin and his intentions. (We later realized we tied him right in front of the guards. Good thing DM didn't notice).
Guard 1: Why is he tied that way?
Rogue: What way?
Guard 1: So that he can get free just by extending his blade?
Rogue: Amateurs. See, I knew I should have done this myself.
Reties ropes with a bunch of fancy trick knots that do look like they'd hold him, but in fact can be removed with a free action.
Guard 1 leaves to get permission to let us in. Walks, doesn't teleport.
Guard 2 reveals we didn't fool him. He'd like nothing more than to gut us, and unlike his commanding officer (guard 1), he does not have orders to let us live. We're told he'll do just that unless we give him a good reason not to.
Craig: I've killed devils like you before.
Epoch: I've killed frogs! :D
DM: Roll initiative.
Battle consists of pretty much everyone missing. Can't get through armor. Fallen Angel rolls 10 on the 6d6 attack, and cornugon made save for half. Epoch charges with a touch attack (deep impact). Natural 1.
DM: You jump in with a scream, and the cornugon sidesteps. You crash into the wall.
All the while the cornugon has fun beating on the paladin.
Epoch remembers he's a goth poet and starts speaking it during battle. Makes another deep impact attack with Sorrow's End (greatsword/katana that can change into any two-handed weapon). Natural 20. Confirmed. High damage. I had power attacked (-5 to hit).
DM: You slice him in half. He staggers back saying "How did that happen?" before falling down in pieces and exploding.
Fallen Angel: (claps). I'm doing this in character. Good job, Epoch. You've earned your keep. Even after the pit fiend.
Epoch: I commemorate the event with a poem.
Random other stuff:
Ode to Shadow
Oh how I'd miss you
If only I cared about anything
Fallen Angel: Wait a sec, Epoch didn't kill any frogs
Rogue: Yeah, I'm the one who did it!
Fallen Angel: I'm never getting back into heaven, am I?
I'm guessing you mean you were on the plains (grassland) and the sorc had Knowledge (the planes)?
Kudos to that one, though.
You are correct. The way he delivered it is why it was hilarious, but unfortunately can't be conveyed accurately through a digital medium.
Awesomeness.
Wow, that was sooo cool. :D Now I want to play in a Planescape campaign too.
Or at least I know I do, great group there Omni :D
The group is...
Rogue-Mage Approved
While buying the frogs from a Dust Mephit (owner of xPets and Meatsx* Parts and Pieces). *crossed out. Said dust mephit notices the paladin with a fake arm.
Mephit: Would you like to buy anything else? Say an arm?
Paladin: I don't want an arm, I want my arm. Until then, this will do.
Mephit: Are you sure? I have slaad arm. Very strong. It can impregnate women.
Paladin: As enticing as that sounds (sarcasm), I'll stick with this one.
It turns out in the last game there was some problem involving fishing for amnesia fish on the River Styx. No exact quote, but funny.
I just also want to say that the problems Epoch-of-Endings caused do not reflect his WIS score. It reflects that IRL WIS is my dump stat. I can't RP high WIS very well. But hey, it's low wisdom that makes things fun. That's how they brought about a little apocolypse last time around.
EDIT: But you know what's funniest? We're an adventuring party going through Hell, and it's not the paladin we need to keep an eye on. That's ironic. And proof that paladins don't have to disrupt games.
Now, I had spent HOURS planning these 8 wizards out very carefully. There used to be 12 but I reduced it and reduced a lot of things to make it easier on them, since I felt that I'd originally made them overpowered. I'd carefully selected the spells of each one so they'd provide a great challenge and everything was perfect. All the wizards were level 6.
So, they arrive at the house, and the druid looks in through the window and sees the 8 wizards standing in a circle doing various things.
Druid: I cast Ice Storm through the window!
DM(me): What?
Druid: I cast Ice Storm!
DM(me): oh dear........*rolls*
So, with one spell he killed half of them (level 6 wizards have very little hp) and the rest were down to very low health. Looking around and realizing that I'd completely failed to plan this boss correctly and that the wizards should have been much more powerful, I decided I'd just get it over with.
Wizard(me): I rush in and cast Fireball!
And so with two spells they DECIMATED what I thought was going to be a great and epic battle.
I still have a lot to learn...
The more you know. 'Cuz knowledge is Power!
*cough* sorry, couldn't resist.
Didn't mean to sound rude or mean-spirited if I did.
I was playing a paladin type character for the first time. I and the rest of my party were supposed to be tracking down a large jewel that was stolen by a thieves' guild. After awhile we tracked the thieves to a remote cabin in the woods outside of town. Since I was the "tank", I and two other party members decided to go check out the cabin. While my two comrades were trying to come up with an elaborate story to tell the thieves...I knocked on the door. Silence fell around the table as my DM took the role of the thief:
Thief: "Yeah, what do you want?"
Me: "Begging your pardon but would you chaps happen to be members of the nefarious Nightsong guild who recently stole the Lord Mayor's jewel?"
Thief: "Uh....no"
Me: "Ok then, thank you for your time" -turns around and walks away-
Complete silence around the table---but the DM loved it.
Ranger: "hey come help me out! I'm almost dead!!"
Me: *Goes over there* "I'll help you!!" *rolls dice* crap...i fumbled! *DM rolls dice*
DM: You hit the ranger and killed him...
Everyone: ...
Me: "uh...help you...to your grave!!"
DM: "The giant takes Cora...(some rolls)...and hits you (me) with her for (some more rolls) 50 damage, Cora takes 12."
Me: "What the F***?!"
The rest of the party: :OMG!
Needless to say the fight ended soon after that by my druids dog doing a leap attack which decapitated the fiend, nice.
Later on the way home, me and the DM had a small discussion of whether or not a Gnome was a masterwork weapon, lol!
Plus, as powerful as Druids are, it's kinda hard to say if he actually could have dealt the damage to shatter the window without it actually occuring.
Fortunately, most windows in your typical D&D medieval European setting don't actually have glass in them ;)
Calling witnesses (Note: the party cleric is a half-orc who rolled a high weight at character creation and was hit by a bestow curse recently to bring his Con down 6 points while he was being captured)
Judge: You say there was a "conspiracy" to murder the duke's son?
Witness: Yes, Your Honor.
Judge: Were any of these involved? *calls in PCs, clears throat and motions at cleric*
Witness: Hmm? Uh...Yes! That's him! The cleric of Gruumsh! He was the one who was running the whole operation!
Cleric: That's completely impossible!
Judge: And why is that, may I ask?
Cleric: (OOC) I'm a 400-some pound half-orc in full plate with maybe a 6 Constitution--I can't run anything.
The party sorcerer tries to intimidate the judge or, failing that, to blow up everything in sight
Judge: You four have been found guilty of the murder of the duke's only son and heir. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Sorcerer: Uhh, Your Honor, I have no excuse except to say that these are ext--, uh, ext--...what's the phrase I'm looking for....
Judge: Perhaps "extenuating circumstances"?
Sorcerer: More along the lines of..."exterminating circumstances"
Judge:
What do you mean, "exterm--?" Sorcerer:
*maximized fireball*the players are riding tyrannosauruss they stole from a couple of lizardfolk raiders. suddenly a large group of halfling raptor riders run towards them and asks them if these are the tyrannosauruss from a couple of raiders.
Dragon shaman: (rolls bluff 33) these are not the tyrannosauruss you are looking for.
in the way of starwars (these are not the droids you are looking for.
Everyone rushes to her aid, but the leader threatens to slice her throat.
Jack: LET HER GO!! :rolls intimidate for self without permission:
Natural 20.
...
"Three solitary figures walk up to you ..."
??????
My DM said last game;
"Three solitary figures walk up to you ..."
??????
I agree, that doesn't make too much sense. Perhaps he meant that the three figures, taken as a group, were solitary?
My DM said last game;
"Three solitary figures walk up to you ..."
??????
Lol that makes us laugh. All one of me.
(Male Gnome Rogue)
(Female Human Psion)
(Female Human Monk)
(Male Dwarf Wizard)
(Male Human Cleric)
(Female ½ Elf Dragon Disciple)
Set Story
We had managed to kill a green dragon. Our we then started chopping it up. We wanted to get the maximum amount of dragon bits possible so we could sell it. The gnome burrowed his way in to the dragons’ chest to get its heart. The wizard got the eyes, every one else went for claws and teeth. Well there was a failed attempt to get at the dragon brain but its scull was too hard.
He carry out gory loot to the next town and with the intention to sell what we can. Except for the gnome who decides he wants to keep his dragon heart.
We get to the inn and its time to decide who get sleeps in what room. The Cleric says that he and the ½ elf will bunk together (they were an in game item) and the rest sleep girls together and the boys together. The wizard hates that idea because the Gnome has a “thing” for dwarfs. And he doesn’t feel safe being alone with the gnome. The cleric and the wizards have a major argument about the sleeping arrangements then finally the Psion says she will “sleep with the gnome.” (ha ha but thats not the joke) the wizards tells her that probably isn’t a good idea and that the gnome should get his own room while the remaining three share a room. The Psion tells the wizards he is just being a baby and moves her stuff in with the gnome.
Every one goes out to try and sell their dragon goodies. The gnome goes up to his room and comes up with the idea that if he eats the dragon heart he will get cool dragon powers. So he starts to chow down on the heart. He has to roll fortitude save and fails; he then projectile vomits all over the room. Not one to give up and with plenty of dragon heart left he tries again with the same result.
We rolled to see who got back to the inn when, the monk was first followed by the wizard. They start doing monk and wizards things in their room wizards is researching (got to earn those 2 spells per level) and the monk is doing yoga.
When the Psion gets back she goes to her room opens the door and sees the gnome lying in a twitching heap on the floor of the room. The walls and bed are covered in vomit. The dragon heart laying deflated next the gnome is oozing out of two gnome bites. The Psion nods and slowly closes the door. She then goes next door and asks if she can bunk with the monk and wizard. The wizard looks up from his book and says “Told yah so.”
My DM said last game;
"Three solitary figures walk up to you ..."
??????
I suppose it could also be interpreted as three solitary figures walking up to you, but not in a group (therefore still solitary).
.........F
.........|
.........v
F -> You <- F
Sorta like that.
Stupid noob QuestionWhat does BBEG
What does BBEG
What does BBEG mean, you ask?
Big Bad Evil Guy.
Boss that Beats Exalted Guys.
Sauron, Sephiroth, Darth Sidious, and so on.
That type of person.
Lol that makes us laugh. All one of me.
LOL!
I just e-mailed my DM this thread!
After he said it he caught himself and we all laughed. We all knew he meant it in a descriptive "dark, brooding, mysterious figures walk up to you ..."
The Adventure was called Groundhog Day
It was the 9th time they had woken up to the same day :evillaugh
My second 3E game was like that (only ran one session). Upon investigating a town, we found ourselves trapped in the day of the town's destruction over and over again, as at the end of each day an endless swarm of Xill (we were level 1) killed everyone in the town -- and then we'd find ourselves walking into the town at dawn again.
We tried to warn the townmembers, but they didn't believe us. We tried to hide, but the Xill found us and killed us anyway. Walking out of the town, it wrapped around like a video game RPG's worldmap and we found ourselves walking into it. Tried to dig our way out, the tunnel collapsed and killed us.
Me: "Ugh, we've tried everything but killing ourselves--"
Fighter readies his weapon
Me: "No wait!" But too late, the fighter kills us all.
As we found ourselves walking into town again, I stopped, thinking perhaps the spot we walked in at was a clue, and said, "I walk backwards."
GM: "He disappears."
Other players: "I walk backwards too!"
--
So it turned out that after all that, all we had to do was watch the town while we walked out so that it couldn't move to ahead of us.
I heard that this DM once put his party through an entire dungeon of illusions... but I only played with him that one time.
Yes, I have read the list of spells in the PHB, to include Power Word, Kill. And no, I haven't lived that one down yet, even though it's been over 4 years. And in that same campaign, not even an hour later, I picked the rose in Ravenloft because I thought it was pretty. I didn't know that it would end the world.
(I've actually never read or played anything Ravenloft, so I'm only going with the story that my DM gave us...don't know if my facts are correct or if anyone knows what I'm talking about.)
Epoch-of-Endings: my character, a githzerai psychic warrior 13. Member of the Bleak Cabal. Basically a goth poet who fails at making a living at it.
Leis Dawncastle: Or something like that. Paladin/crusader of Harmonium. Has a mechanical arm (with retractable blade, and a flaming gauntlet with insane critical range. Seriously, if he hits, it's a threat). Had his arm torn off by a devil working for Dispater to steal a holy sword needed for a ritual. Our mission is to retrieve it.
Craig the Iron Tooth: A homebrew fighter fix. Blood War veteran. Actually has an iron tooth. Lots of devil-touched feats. Some reflect taking suveniers, not pledging himself to hell. It's still a good thing the paladin doesn't use detect evil. Again, I probably have the name wrong.
Fallen Angel: Can't for the life of me remember her name. A fallen angel due to some illicit affair resulting in the birth of something heaven so did not want. Had her wings cut off. Cleric/diviner/homebrew PrC (mystic theurge focused on divining). Amazingly high diplomacy, bluff, sense motive, etc. Ideal face. Loves Storm Bolt (chain lightning means 6d6). Player used to non-D&D magic systems. Reserve feats feel familiar.
Rogue: Again, can't remember name. Rogue/swashbuckler/swordsage. Focused on Shadow Hand, with some of the weaker Setting Sun techniques.
Scene 1: atop Dispater's tower. We've found a bunch of symbols opening portals (including one to get here). We create the portals using a glove - made from a baby's arm with one finger chopped off. The paladin wears the glove. It bleeds constantly. Just trace a symbol with the blood. On the tower there's scroll with a map and announcements, hung on the wall. Behind it is the symbol we used to get here.
Epoch: Hey, maybe that symbol takes us somewhere different from here!
Craig: That's actually not a bad idea.
Epoch: But before we do that, I've an idea with that glove. Write on the parchment, "Dispater sucks!"
Unanimous: What?! NO!
Epoch: So, are we going to use my idea? I mean reusing the symbol.
Rogue: Ok, I run through the portal first.
DM: Ok, you reappear immediately, with your hands reversed.
Scene 2: In Dispater's tower.
DM: You see an erinyes coming.
Fallen Angel: I wait for her, prepared to talk. [Most of the devils haven't attacked us, and even said Dispater was waiting for us].
DM: The erinyes grapples you and drags you up.
Fallen Angel: I teleport out of her grasp.
DM: Make a reflex save. She fails, bounces off the rock, and falls down a long shaft (a good part of the tower).
Epoch: I manifest freedom of movement and jump after her. YEE-HAW!
DM allowed this to remove all friction (and terminal velocity), so I caught up quickly. Grapple check (willingly failed) to get her. I cancel freedom of movement. We burst into flames (high velocity). At this point the sonic boom is destroying parts of the tower. DM allows my racial psi-like ability catfall to protect both of us. I give her one of my two tatoos of body adjustment.
Epoch: Don't worry, I've got you. (Remember all the stupid stuff he did last time).
Fallen Angel: I cast sleep and intentionally fail the save.
Meanwhile, the others have left us behind are in the next room.
DM: Something explodes through the ceiling and crashes into the floor. Epoch gets up unharmed, while Fallen Angel remains asleep and has a major wound.
Rogue: You're still alive?!
Epoch proceeds to check on his frog Angst. It's ok, too.
Scene 3: We've got the sword, but Dispater himself has shown up.
Leis: Thank you for preserving my arm. [It was mummified.]
Dispater: It stunk.
Dispater: I'm surprised to see such weaklings. I was expecting another army.
Epoch: They sent us for subtlety! :D (said in the least subtle way possible. Funnier because my voice cracked).
Dispater: Why in the world did they hire you?
Fallen Angel: You know, if you ever find out, please tell us.
Rogue: Well, I can tell you it wasn't my idea.
Leis: What? (He hired us mercenaries).
Rogue tries to discuss things with Dispater. Dispater is mad about us taking what he successfully stole. Rogue points out that he didn't - the paladin's arm is still holding it. It's still his. He then goes on to how Dispater apparently gets more problems than benefit from him. He basically tries to pull a Jack Sparrow diplomacy.
DM: Make a fortitude save (fails). You take two major wounds as your flesh peels itself off of you.
Rogue: Right, shutting up now.
Dispater: Thank you.
Dispater: Anyway, as I was saying, you have stollen from me, and you must pay me back.
Epoch: I empty out the 5,400 gink and the frog I have with me.
We did end up getting out. Dispater couldn't corrupt the holy sword, and it was attracting attacks from the other rulers of Hell. He allows us to leave with the sword, on the condition that we pay him. Either a sample of blood or all our magic items (minus the sword and the paladin's mechanical arm).
Rogue: Well, seeing as I've already covered your floor in it, I don't really care.
Epoch: I'll give. I don't care what you do with it.
Rogue (OOC): Oh trust me, you'll care.
Epoch (OOC): Bleak Cabal.
Scene 4: At the ceremony Leis had to perform with the sword.
So Leis has a huge, evil pimple that's summoning something from Hell? Pop it!
A lemur with the spell-like abilities of a cornugon pops out. Description actually fits a brain golem, but we're told it basically has the stats of a lemur. NOTE: In this setting, thanks to the action in the previous campaign (a little apocolypse), cornugons can no longer teleport. We end up learning OOC, and later IC (some image spell-like ability) that this is actually Leis. A devil has possessed his body.
Epoch: You mean I shot an ally again?! (I spent nearly twice as many PP on this energy ray as the one against the pit fiend).
Explaining to the head of Harmonium what happened: the summary is that Leis was possessed, that devil is actually a paladin (Leis!), you were then possessed, and a red mist flew away when we ended your possession.
Head: I don't understand a word you're saying. You mean to tell me that devil is a paladin?!
Oh, that was a great campaign. I just got back from it. At the end people were still talking about my rescue mission. Would you expect that of a goth poet with 18 WIS? I was just plain lucky. RP during battle always brought a critical hit. I shot a pit fiend, dissed Dispater, rocketed through a floor at supersonic speeds, and never once got a critical wound.
EDIT: I managed to find out the exact response to my shooting of the pit fiend. It was a unanimous, "What gave you idea you could take a pit fiend?!" Except the pit fiend. He was just dumbstruck at the stupid little gnat.
Me: Hey baby, want me to show you how the sun rises? (rolled 22 on straight CHA check)
Priestess: (Somewhat smitten) Why don't you come back after you finish this job you're working on?
We keep talking until my friends drag me out of the temple, but on the way out the door, I turn around, put my hand in a phone motion up to my face and say :
"Scry me."
Three cookies to anyone who spots either reference.
Eberron campaign, my cleric just got into trouble with the sharn watch, and we're all running into the earth-elemental bound car.
DM: okay, you all run into the car and start to run.
rogue: Idiot! How are we going to get out of this one.
I tried pretty hard not to say it, but I had to...
cleric: They can't catch us, we're on a mission from god.
I'll bet someone beat me to it by now but: That is from The Blues Brothers... and I think Blues Brothers 2
Lorn: Human Fighter/Cleric
Defining Characteristic: Zealot (Recently reincarnated…as a Kobold)
Thalanel: Elven Wizard
Defining Characterstic: Sits quietly, gets amazing rolls and PWNS EVERYTHING!
Stan: Human Fighter
Defining Charactersitc: He is an agnostic...a worshipper of the deity Agnost. He also is REALLY paranoid. REALLY Chaotic Neutral.
Rurrik: Human Cleric (Now deceased)
Defining Characteristic: REALLY wants to purify everything!
Ozgar: Dwarf Cleric (Rurrik’s replacement)
Defining Characteristic: He’s a stereotypical dwarf who feels like he got saddled with the party.
Lee: Elf Rogue
Defining Characteristic: Kleptomaniac Miser! COMPLETELY UNSTRUSTWORTHY. Basically a bigger kender without the morals.
John Barleycorn A.K.A. J.B. (Me): [Went insane and ran off, now gone.]
Slog, J.B.’s replacement (Me): A massive, massive Warhammer style orc-(actually has orc levels)
Defining Characterstic: Speak in a thick cocknee accent, cooks and eats people, and is the dumbest thing since mud.
DM: *rolls a 20 them max damage* The ogre polymorphs Rurrick into a fine red mist…the hard way.
Thalanel: “Oh man, my balls are itchy.” *goes to scratch, forgetting that his hand is charged with shocking grasp*
*****
Thalanel: *rolls….1, then 1, then something else*
DM: Okay, you fall off the the hill…backwards. Roll down it at high speed and slam through a bunch thorn bushes, taking 6 points of subdual. Then you slam into and impale yourself on a branch, taking 6 lethal. You’re unconscious. Luckily, your hands beside you, so you don’t shocking grasp your own balls.
****
Thalanel crit fails diplomacy check*
Thalanel: *drops his pants*
****
Stan: So I see you’re back from the grove, doing…what were you doing?
J.B.: Masturbating
Stan: Well, ????
*****
*Stan sees Thalanel come back from a back room, looking satisfied (he had just finished summoning a Air Elemental for the first time)*
Stan: So…how much was the hooker?
Thalanel: 1250 gp.
Stan: But I though you wanted that for a spell?
Thalanel: She blew really well…
*****
*After firing and missing with disrupt undead*
J.B.: Wait, you’re firing into combat! How much did you miss by? You might hit me!
Lorn: NO ONE ELSE IS UNDEAD!
****
*Huge, fat butcher demon bursts through the door*
Demon: OH YEAH!
(Kool-aid man ref)
*****
Thalenel: Would you like to pet Mr. Hop-Hop?
Ozgar: I’ll stick to my women with beards, thanks.
*****
Ozgar: I hoist up my robes, turn around and, run screaming like a little girl, with dignity.
****
Stan: Do you have whetstone?
*J.B. dips a rock in a puddle*
J.B.: Now I have wet stone! *grins*
*****
J.B.: I order a pint of Whiskey and get the blind chick drunk. Then I take her up to my room…
DM: You contract AIDs.
*****
Ozgar: “It doesn’t matter if you worship the gods or not, they’re gonna f**K with you!”
*****
Kobold: “I can’t speak Kobold, what’re you crazy???”
*****
Stan: I use mage hand to throw Mr. HopHop
DM: 12 serpent heads rise out of the water, followed by a huge body
Jess: Get up on the Hydra’s back!
*Lorn rolls horribly on his knowledge check (not sure which)*
Lorin: I’m fairly convinced that it’s a kobold.
*****
*Watching the Hydra tossing an orc toward the window at high speed*
Stan: Is this how we meet the new?
No, this is how you meet an orc corpse!
******
DM: The hydra turns and is walking away.
Stan: I take up one of the orc choppas and throw it at it. *rolls…20….20…*
DM: 0.0
******
Stan: I don’t think Slog understands that we’re going down to a sewer.
Lorn: Because with the orcish method, the sewers are above the town
****
Stan: Okay Slog, is stone organic?
Slog: Depen’s on where i’ comes from!
Stan:
****
Slog: I cu’ a bi’ off da flank!
DM: But it’s a gibbering mouther, it specifically says you can’t flank it!
****
Stan: About face!
Slog: *stares blankly*
Stan(Frustrated): Turn around!
****
*Negotiating with a Druid/Geomancer with Severe Drift*
Stan: Okay...we'll have to negotiate carefully.
Lee: True, and since I have the highest diplomacy, if I talk, we might get it for free.
Stan: So we'll let you do the talk-Wait...where's Slog?
*The orc stomps up*
Slog: Oi! I jus' checked da inn, boyz, an' *sees the druid* OH SHI' IT'S UGLY!!!! *rolls a diplomacy to accentuate, which after rolling a one and adding penalties, comes up to a 0*
Party:
DM: Okay, in the following, one sentence you manage to insult her lineage, her race, her class choice, her appearance, her family, her gender, and her orientation.
Druid: -.-....that'll be 2000 gp. ONLY if you never, ever come near me again!!!!
Slog: Tha's a goo' thin'! Yo're 'urtin' me eyes! *stomps away* Shi', I think I'm gonna be sick....
Party: :OMG!
****
Jellico, an elf fighter with a shaky grasp of common and so-so wisdom. A bit clueless and literal... or an inveterate practical joker who likes making people think he's dumb because "he speak big chief speak".
Allarin, the gnome rogue. "Face" of the party. Favorite line - "I can explain..."
Tamywn, a suspious ranger meeting Allarin for a rendevous. Doesn't know that she's hiding Jellico and some other people in the woods.
A: I can explain. No, there's no one out here but me, really.
T: Sure, right. And next you're going to tell me that gnomes and elves are going to pop out of the bushes and give me candy...
J: (hiding behind a bush) I have no candy.
T: Gwyaaaah!
My friends were gaming several years back (2ed) and they were fighting a room full of Wear Rats and everything was going pretty well.
All of the sudden one of the PC's looks down at the minis and sees what looks like a Wear Rat kneeling with his hands together and asks, "Is that rat praying?"
To which another PC responds, "Do the rats have a God?"
The DM grabs the Fiend Folio (I think), flips through some pages and looks up, "Yeah, the rats do have a god, and he doesn't like you! 100 more rats apear!"
To this day "Do the rats have a god?" is our code for giving the DM an idea.
"I'm going to sprint for the edge of the bridge, leap for the lift's cable Indiana Jones-style, and slide down it to get the hell away from our cleric."
Player 1: A quarterstaff.
Player 2: A sword.
Player 3: Five short swords, two long swords, three pistols, three holdout pistols, two generic SMG's, one upgraded SMG, Two web-belts of grenades, one bantlor of explosives, two holdout knives, ripper claws, power fists, a sniper rifle and my shapened claw attachments.
DM: Yeah, when you walk through the metal detector? It explodes. The guards tell you to drop all your weapons.
Player 3: All of them?
Player 2: We could be here a few hours.
***
DM: You know this villian is twice your level with twice the build points right? You can't solo him. He's going to rip you a new one.
Player 3: *after winning inish and rolling sunder* And....by my math I just delt twice his weapons HP in damage. So much for that. What backup weapons does he have?
DM: Uh...*flipping through notes*...none.
Player 3:
***
Player 1: CUT THE UNBREAKABLE CABLE! CUT THE UNBREAKABLE CABLE!
Cleric: OH OH! Pick me!
Demon:
Are you sure?Cleric: Yes.
Demon: Okay...sacrifice something to another god...
Cleric: Wait...I can't do that!
Demon: Okay then
*Cleric dies*
DM (me): So, Orrin recovers his spells. Hope you roll 4s!
Orrin: Orrin intones a blessing and touches Rachisk, washing away his hurts. *roll* 4!
Rachisk: Woo!
Orrin: OK, how much are you down now?
Rachisk: Still down by 3.
Orrin: *roll* 4!
DM:
Give this man a d20!Orrin: NO! I'll roll 4s!
~V1zharan~
Nyarndel: Necromancer. Evil guy that was geased into doing something, and didn't want to have to deal with the consequinces of having one.
Rest of the party: Dead or AWOL. Bad stuff happened.
Nyarndel: OK, I try to extricate the magic forcefully from the apparatus.
DM: The dark energies coarse through your body, giving you a black, flaming aura. The power is intoxicating.
Nyarndel: I throw back my head and laugh.
Lorne: I knew I made the right choice when I made him my HR director.
(After the party got reduced to 2 members facing the BBEG, as an epic vampire minion comes to extricate what is left of his boss.)
Nyarndel: As they try to leave, I hit the sword demon with a deanimate construct, twice. Now my gease will go away.
DM: Shoot. Well, that kills him, but you send his vampire into a vengeful frenzy.
Nyarndel: ****. I book it down the hall.
Me: So the vamp is only chasing him, right?
DM: For now.
Me: I empty the room of that pile of gems we saw.
Lorne: Hey, drop that stuff we got from the dungeon on your way out!
Nyarndel as he runs down the hall: **** youuuuuuuuuuu!!!
Nyarndel to Dm: As I book it out of the room, I try to magic jar Lorne to swap bodies.
Me: 32 will.
Nyarndel: ****.
Remaining party members=Lorne.
After returning to base, having lost the entire rest of the party, taken 3 permanently lost levels, and taking 1 month of walking, due to losing the teleporter, I show up at my employers house.
Lorne: I think I won!
Brutal, brutal session.
"Could you please stop laughing? I'm trying to be threatening!"
Twenty minutes later we continued the game, though the line will haunt my rogue forevermore.
He wanted to be an assassin, so he had to kill someone. He snuck out of the inn the party was at and killed a peasant in an empty street, forgetting to clean off his blade afterwards. The local guards asked the druid of our party to help in the investigation since druids are renowned trackers and suchlike. Naturally, the druid figures out what happened and went to the rogue to confront him, and pulls out the rogues bloody short sword.
We'd been fighting undead all day. Blood=suspicious much?
Anyway, the rogue decides to cover his tracks, and here's where he lost me. He went to the forest and killed an animal, coating his blade in animal blood. He then went and broke into about a dozen houses until he found another short sword. He said he was going to a halfling's house to plant the bloody sword there and keep the new one (even though the bloody one was masterwork....) it was at this point that I stopped him and asked:
"Why didn't you just clean off the blade?"
They fled the town...I'm still confused.
Just imagine us explaining Rage to her. That was fun.
Anyway, this particular instance happened last session, and the game had digressed a little since people were taking a moment to level up. (A process that takes up FAR too much time since we only have one copy of the Player's Handbook) So, for some reason I can't remember, I get into an argument with our barbarian OOC. Something about how she's not particualrly threatening for a barbarian and not frightening at all (I was joking :P )
So, she walks over to where I'm standing, comes right up to me and looks at me and starts to rant about how she *IS* threatening and very very scary.
Picture that. She's looking straight up at me, craning her neck so she's looking completely vertically, and I'm looking down at her. This is the big, incredibly strong half-orc barbarian........:D Good times. And she can actually play a barbarian very well, since as she's so young she just charges everything and doesn't think too much about things.
Hooray!
Ok, here's one from the world's most....confused rogue. I still have no idea what the guy was thinking....
He wanted to be an assassin, so he had to kill someone. He snuck out of the inn the party was at and killed a peasant in an empty street, forgetting to clean off his blade afterwards. The local guards asked the druid of our party to help in the investigation since druids are renowned trackers and suchlike. Naturally, the druid figures out what happened and went to the rogue to confront him, and pulls out the rogues bloody short sword.
We'd been fighting undead all day. Blood=suspicious much?
Anyway, the rogue decides to cover his tracks, and here's where he lost me. He went to the forest and killed an animal, coating his blade in animal blood. He then went and broke into about a dozen houses until he found another short sword. He said he was going to a halfling's house to plant the bloody sword there and keep the new one (even though the bloody one was masterwork....) it was at this point that I stopped him and asked:
"Why didn't you just clean off the blade?"
They fled the town...I'm still confused.
Well for the druid part: It's rangers, not druids who are good trackers. Druids are tree-huggers. Rangers are like the colonial hunter.
For the rogue part, he might have seen too many murder movies. Killing an animal would have put the animals blood, not the peasants, on the blade. Then planting it into the hafling's house would have both discredited the druid and framed the hafling.
Well for the druid part: It's rangers, not druids who are good trackers. Druids are tree-huggers. Rangers are like the colonial hunter.
At the same time, all a druid needs to do is turn into a Dog, Riding Dog, Wolf or Dire wolf and he gets the track feat and +4 to the check. Druids can track just fine.
So, she walks over to where I'm standing, comes right up to me and looks at me and starts to rant about how she *IS* threatening and very very scary.
Picture that. She's looking straight up at me, craning her neck so she's looking completely vertically, and I'm looking down at her. This is the big, incredibly strong half-orc barbarian........:D Good times. And she can actually play a barbarian very well, since as she's so young she just charges everything and doesn't think too much about things.
Hooray!
Classic!
When the subject desperately needs changing:
"...So there we were, stuck on the polar ice cap..."
Playing an FR campaign, I was Alexander, a cleric of Aumonator (old, supposedly dead sun god) because Pelor doesn't exist in FR, so I spent half my time proselytizing to get people to convert, and the other half getting drunk and hitting on chicks (pretty fun to RP). Especially becuase since we were in Icewind Dale, the DM said that the alcohol was vodka and mead instead of wine and ale. At some point, we visited a temple of Selune to try and get information about a local job we were doing. The only person there was a priestess (hubba hubba), and because I was drunk, I decided to hit on her, yielding this great pick-up line:
Me: Hey baby, want me to show you how the sun rises? (rolled 22 on straight CHA check)
Priestess: (Somewhat smitten) Why don't you come back after you finish this job you're working on?
We keep talking until my friends drag me out of the temple, but on the way out the door, I turn around, put my hand in a phone motion up to my face and say :
"Scry me."
In case any body doesn't know, Selune is a moon goddess. For me that was the best part of the whole bit.
The epilogue to that story is that I went back later, minus a lot of alcohol, and got a natural 1 on the Cha check to "seal the deal"...and apparently a kick to the ********* is 1d8 nonlethal and requires a Fortitude save to avoid falling over from the pain.
Oops, forgot to mention that...
The epilogue to that story is that I went back later, minus a lot of alcohol, and got a natural 1 on the Cha check to "seal the deal"...and apparently a kick to the ********* is 1d8 nonlethal and requires a Fortitude save to avoid falling over from the pain.
Did you make the save? :D
Bard: Now don't you try a convert people to your silly church when they're all emotional and vunerable.
Cleric: Don't worry. I stopped trying forceful conversions when I was fifteen. I got the idea to bless a lake, and then push people in as they walked past, thus saving them. Boy did I get into trouble for that!
Cleric: Don't worry. I stopped trying forceful conversions when I was fifteen. I got the idea to bless a lake, and then push people in as they walked past, thus saving them. Boy did I get into trouble for that!
That's great...
Involved Cast:
Rouge: (My character) Loves treasure and swindling the naive. Basically you’re typical rouge.
Ranger: A good old fashion duel wielding hunter. Likes to get the job done and doesn't care about much else.
The party also contained a fighter, a sorcerer, and a cleric but they didn't get any good lines this time around.
Situation: We are told that we need three rings to enter the dungeon we absolutely must go through, end of the world stuff or something like that. We have the ruby and sapphire rings we need and track the topaz ring we need to a certain town. We need to find it in the entire town, so I come up with this idea.
Rouge: Hey, the three rings are a set, right? Why don't we set up a fake auction to pretend sell the two rings together and beat-up the takers?
DM:
There where no objections from the party. Later:
Ranger: Alright, we have two men in a biding brawl!
Rouge: Are either of them wearing a topaz ring?
Ranger: (Looks out at crowd) They're both wearing topaz rings.
Rouge: Sweet! We take the one we need and sell the other... maybe we can arrange some sort of auction.
Every One else:
So after we invite the two men back under the pretence that away from the crowd they can feel safer to wager some real money, and beat the hell out of them.
Ranger: Ah, rouge, we don't need to take their coin pouches
Rouge: Sure we do. How else will we make it look like a simple mugging. :D
Ranger:
We couldn't tell which ring was the one we needed, if either of them were. So we went to an appraiser. He was the first dwarf rouge had ever seen.
Rouge: Bah! What happened to you! Your all short and fat, is that some sort of birth defect or is it contagious, or-
Ranger: Rouge! He's a dwarf.
Rouge: Oh that's what dwarves look like in person.
Ranger: Racist bastard.
***
Dwarven Appraiser: Well I have examined the four rings closely. One of these topaz rings is the final part of the set, the other is a forgery. There is only one way to tell which one is the fake. (Smashes the two topaz rings gem side down against the table, one of them was actually glass and broke. He hands us the other one.) There you go.
Rouge:
Ranger: All right, so everything worked out. Rouge, are you all right?
Rouge:
Ranger: What's wrong?
Rouge: We could have sold ring. Ring gone now.
Appraiser: That ring was a fake it was worthless.
Rouge: Not to some passing idiot! Even you had trouble identifying it as a fake, we could have sold it to anyone who wouldn't think to smash it!
Ranger:
Take some ranks of appraise with your rogue. It won't let you down...
For the record, that dwarf (and presumably the DM) was an idiot. There're huge differences in the way glass gems look compared to real ones. And one of the problems gems have is that, as crystals, they're vulnerable to kinetic force. It's why there're jokes about jewelers trying to split some incredibly valuable gem and instead winding up ruining it.
Take some ranks of appraise with your rogue. It won't let you down...
Actually, he and I did have that chat. This DM is an interesting specimen, he doesn't think that a charactor with a +1 level adjustment is effectivle one level above what he has. He doesn't understand automatic hits and sets us up against things we can't hit with 20+ the attack of our fighters best weapon. The only up side is that we don't have to confirm crits, but even that gets old after not to long.
I get upset with him form time to time, especially when he tells me a creature with the stone cunning ability and umpteen ranks of apprsaise can't tell the difference between a real gem and a peice of glass.
, someone get this DM the 'for dummies' book, stat!Villian (After having killed one of my PCs, leaving them terrified and heartbroken for loosing an ally): "If I had known that taking the life of one person would harm you so greatly....I would have taken more. And take more I shall."
Oh man, I'm lovin' it. Reminds me of Aaron from Titus.
My swashbuckler was doing 'well' in a fight against another level 1 opponent. Which meant she was tearing through his HP with 2-3 dmg a turn, while he couldn't hit her. She spend her turns attacking, stepping back (to a point where the barbarian could charge him) and adjusting her hair/dusting her suit, complaining he was bleeding on it all the like. "It doesn't matter whether it's effective," she said. "As long as it's stylish! *stab*"
We actually managed to finish this story-arc without killing anyone ourselves (a few guys we captured committed suiside).
Our Warmage tried to hire the local thieve's guild in order to identify them. After thinking up a random assignment for them, they said they would check it out and found that he had lied about their target. So they send him a note with "You lied, *Logo*", the player's reaction "Next morning the guild master is going to wake up with the retur note: "no I didn't!""
Bad humor ftw!
Him: "Okay then, I pantomime hello!"
DM: "It pantomimes hello back"
Him "Okay, i pantomime asking him if it wants to come with us and that if need be..."
Me: "You pantomime "if need Be"? XFD, How, exactly do you pantomime "if need be", Auric?"
Hilarity ensued. I bring that up every time the character is in play, its become a running gag.
My Lawful Neutral Necromancer, 13th level Wizard, 10th level Archmage, had just blasted through a small army of one of his enemies, who had broken many, many, laws
...
My Lawful Neutral Necromancer, 13th level Wizard, 10th level Archmage, had just blasted through a small army of one of his enemies, who had broken many, many, laws. You had to be there.
I thought archmage only had 5 levels.
At this point, I changed the dice I was using.
Five minutes later, we found the ettin, and he didn't welcome us visitors warmly. We were chased back through the woods, where elfy and I were seperated (due to elfy's cowardice...
). I made it back to the small villiage, where the sheriff had assembled four squishy commoners to make a stand against the ettin. The ettin promptly smashed the 5 of the townsfolk (I still mourn for poor Merrywik; his return has become a goal for my character) and turned his attention unto me. Miraculously, I dispatched the CR5 beast with little difficulty.The DM gaped at my rolls, both to-hit and damage. After the battle concluded, he asked me about it.
"So, how did you pulp a CR5 ettin, when you had so much trouble with two CR2 ogres?!"
I replied, "I don't know, man, I just switched dice."
The DM gaped at my rolls, both to-hit and damage. After the battle concluded, he asked me about it.
"So, how did you pulp a CR5 ettin, when you had so much trouble with two CR2 ogres?!"
I replied, "I don't know, man, I just switched dice."
I think the reason is likely because:
- 2 ogres collectively have more damaging attacks than 1 Ettin
- 1 Ettin is easier to hit simultaneously than 2 Ogres
- 2 Ogres have more HP than 1 Ettin
- Etc.
DM: "ok you all are inn the cell, what do you do?"
Bard: *takes 20 on searching the cell*
Dm "ok you find a small narrow hole under the fold down bed with lgith and a slight humming noise comming up from it."
Bard: " is it big enough to shove a rapier down?"
DM: "it is."
Bard: "i cast summon weapon to summon a rapier and i shove the blade down the hole."
DM: "roll a strentgh roll."
Bard: "uh ok.' *rolls a natural 20*
Dm: "cracks begin to spread out throughout the floor."
Bard: "Ack, i jump back."
DM: "the floor collapses as you jump back."
Bard: *looks at the druid* "see i told you i'd get us out of here!"
-------
Now then a little later my bard had found a small wand that could produce a small flame that would deal 1 point of fire damage per use and unlimited number of times per day and used it to a great deal many things...and the DM had rulled that the dust here was apparently very flammable.
DM: "As you round the corner you see 5 skelitons of soldiers standing before you looking ready to kill."
Bard: *to the druid* "when i give the signal...run." *uses the wand to catch the front skely on fire, which in turn got the other caught on fire as the clambered over each other as they tried to chase the bard and the druid as we ran through the airship waiting for the skelitons to drop dead from being on fire :D
I think the reason is likely because:
- 2 ogres collectively have more damaging attacks than 1 Ettin
- 1 Ettin is easier to hit simultaneously than 2 Ogres
- 2 Ogres have more HP than 1 Ettin
- Etc.
Yeah, but apparently, the two Ogres were with teh help of 2 party members, and the Etiin was all by his lonesome.
But there were some stuff happened before that one encounter...
DM (Me): Two of them are worgs, and three are rather evil-looking but otherwise regular dogs.
Theurge OOC: So, they're fiendish dogs?
DM: Yeah, pretty much.
Cleric OOC: Urgh! Can you imagine how that'd work?
DM: Pretty simple, really. You grab the fiendish template and slap it on a pooch.
Cleric OOC: No, I mean in game!
DM: Well, I'm not sure if I'm one to tell you this, but when a mommy dog and a daddy demon love each other very much...
---
DM: You see beyond the velvet curtain a very...
Players: Yes?
DM: ...gorgeous-looking...
Players: Yes?
DM: ...bed.
Players: Hey!
DM: Oh yeah, and on it are two very gorgeous-looking women.
Theurge OOC: ...I get a nose-bleed and run out of the room.
Cleric IC: "Ooh! Ooh! Over here! I'm here, too!"
Rogue & Paladin OOC: We block him.
Cleric OOC: Then I'll force my way through!
Cleric and Paladin start beating each other up. Out of Game. With empty Coca-cola bottles and their own shoes. They seem to only do that when they get excited...
DM: Dang, it seems that the most deadly encounter in all of D&D is a pair of hot chicks.
---
Theurge OOC: Never. Ever. Pick up a pair of prostitutes. In a dungeon.
DM: So... that makes two PC's dead in this one encounter. I've set a new record for the whole group!
---
Rogue IC: "This is all the fighter's fault. He should have been here, helping us with this battle!"
DM: You do know that you left the fighter unconscious at the entrance of the dungeon at about -2 hit points. On purpose. With no guard. Solely because you never healed him in the first place.
Rogue OOC: So?
DM IC: I really should dump an encounter on the fighter at about this point. Can you imagine a 5th level fighter being pwned by a single kobold?
ChilliGod.
You're group and yourself are officially...
ROGUE-MAGE APPROVED
Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to go on up through the posts and see whom else needs RM approval.
The Party currently all lv. 3(can't remember there names right now)
Changeling Rouge
Scout
Cleric
Knight
Bard
Barbarian
Fighter
Half-elf Scorcerer(me)
Now for some background. It is set in Eberron and we were about to launch an attack on a ruind fortress. We made an agreement with what I believe to be a palidin (never did find out his exact class) of the silver flame.
(now when the rouge first met the paladin I forget exactly what she said but it caused him to say)
Paladin: right race wrong class
The fortress was very well defended with many many opponents. So the paladin uses himself as a distraction to bring out most of the gaurd so we could take on the rest. Now the inhabitants were mostly gnolls with a couple of ogers taking positions behind hastily erected barriers. Now we planned to have our rouge throw a couple bottle of alchemist fire on one side to draw out some of there force while the majority of our party attacks from the other side.
However things did not go quite according to plan. First our rouge failed her move silently enogh that one of the ogers heard her and moved colse to her. This eventually led to the funny moment.
(after a couple gnolls follow the orgre the rouge chucks one of the bottles of alchemist fire at them then says ooc)
I turn around and run screeming down the hall.
We entered a cave searching around...
DM: You see a four way passageway split. Do you make a spot?
Players: Yes.
DM: You notice a pair of yellow eyes.
Me: Hello there!
Party: You Idoit!
Me: Well it didn't attack us.
Party: ...
We had a house rule many moons ago, although it may have come from a book somewhere, but if you got to -5 HP you would loose a CHA point due to permenant scarring.
One of our warriors had a nasty habit of getting hacked and had lost 4 or 5 points and we were giving him a hard time until he quipped...
"Hey, the best characters don't die, they just loose Charisma" It became our code for years to come.
Interestingly, this is how robotic PCs work in D20 Future. Their bodies are destroyed at 0HP, but their hard drive can be salvaged and placed in another robotic body. However, at death they take -1 CHA permanently because their personality is damaged or something.
Anyway, several sessions in, we somehow had offed two of the Lords of the Nine after getting stuck in Baator and now travelled to Nexus. After a big battle, our resident arcane caster (human epic sorcerer) has just taken levels in Sensate or something, gaining abilities to not be hurt by pain, among other things.
So BWR-238, my warforged warlock, gets into a discussion about how being made of rock and metal is much better than being squishy, when the sorcerer walks up to him and uses some kind of mind link spell that makes them share all their feelings.
BWR-238:
"This... this is strange..."Sorcerer: "Yes, see what it's like to have all these organs and things inside of you?"
BWR-238: Just looks at himself then at the sorcerer in shocked wonder at experiencing having a human body.
Sorcerer: Decides to show BWR-238 a bit more of the experience of being squishy by poking himself. Hard. In sensitive places. "And this is what it's like when your squishy organs get hurt."
BWR-238:
OH MY GOD THE PAIN AUUUUUUGH MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP MAKE IT STOP! *the big tough warforged starts running around in circles screaming since he's never felt anything like this in his life*And so BWR-238 learned to be careful about pointing out the flaws of squishy humans when in the company of epic-level arcanists.
So a friend recently started up an epic-level game to see what an epic-level game would be like. He wanted to have the PCs be gods and actually run combat between gods and things later, but we didn't know this at first.
Anyway, several sessions in, we somehow had offed two of the Lords of the Nine after getting stuck in Baator and now travelled to Nexus. After a big battle, our resident arcane caster (human epic sorcerer) has just taken levels in Sensate or something, gaining abilities to not be hurt by pain, among other things.
So BWR-238, my warforged warlock, gets into a discussion about how being made of rock and metal is much better than being squishy, when the sorcerer walks up to him and uses some kind of mind link spell that makes them share all their feelings.
BWR-238:
Sorcerer: "Yes, see what it's like to have all these organs and things inside of you?"
BWR-238: Just looks at himself then at the sorcerer in shocked wonder at experiencing having a human body.
Sorcerer: Decides to show BWR-238 a bit more of the experience of being squishy by poking himself. Hard. In sensitive places. "And this is what it's like when your squishy organs get hurt."
BWR-238:
And so BWR-238 learned to be careful about pointing out the flaws of squishy humans when in the company of epic-level arcanists.
That sorcerer needs to show BWR-238 other things that can be done with squishy organs. :D
The buffer just ran around casting detect magic on everything.
They ran across the living area of an underground complex,, and found the latrine.
The buffer walked in and stated, "I use my wand of Detect Magic, and scan the area."
"No, there is no magic in the bathroom. You of all people should know that."
Later, he gets up to use the RL bathroom. As he's walking away, the monk and I simultaneously call out, "Remember, no magic in the bathroom!"
Last night, I ran a game featuring a pair of wizard brothers and their evil monk hireling. The focus of the brothers was for one to be a buffer and one to be a blaster.
The buffer just ran around casting detect magic on everything.
They ran across the living area of an underground complex,, and found the latrine.
The buffer walked in and stated, "I use my wand of Detect Magic, and scan the area."
"No, there is no magic in the bathroom. You of all people should know that."
Later, he gets up to use the RL bathroom. As he's walking away, the monk and I simultaneously call out, "Remember, no magic in the bathroom!"
That's beautiful.
Our Shifter Swordsage (don't ask) is walking around town on his own, as we have a few months downtime. He is approached by a man...
Man: "You!" *points*
*Shifter looks confused* "Me?"
Man: "You are the Appointed One"
*All others in group simultaneously lifts their hands to point to the unfortunate player and keeps on pointing at him for the next 20 minutes, real time*
Shifter: "I. AM. NOT. THE. APPOINTED. ONE."
Me(OOC): "Oh, but you are"
Other player(OOC): "Look, we're pointing at you AND the GM is pointing at you. That makes you the appointed one"
Shifter(OOC): "Yea, in that sen--"
Me(OOC): "Silence! The Appointed One does not speak"
After I got the spell compendium and noticed the Programmed Amnesia spell, I (being the party's wizard) said, "I wonder, what are the ethical and moral ramifications of magically, on the most complete level, convincing someone that they are a hunk of cheddar cheese?"
I'm being attacked during the first round of combat vs some paladins, It misses, and I have 1st Initiative.
Me: *Writes a note to the DM, describing my actions*
DM: Ok, Rhorik (my Warrior/Sorcerer20/Red DragonDisciple10) deftly leans to the right, avoiding the paladin's uberholy greatsword and thrusts two fingers into the armored man's solar plexus. you all catch a glimpse of fear in his eyes, moments before the mage's assault superheats him into a puddle of molten plasma. the other 10 paladins **** themselves at the sight of their leader's utter destruction, and run away, leaving their weapons behind.
For the record, we're using action points, and I had burned up 10 of them on metamagic-ing a Delayed Blast Fireball (on the tip of my fingers) with:
Energy Admixture:Fire
Enervate Spell
Empower Spell
Explosive Spell
Enhance Spell
Intensify Spell
Radiant Spell
Still Spell
Silent Spell
Twin Spell
I love Action Points.
That was well over 2000 damage, with a single Spell.
For the record, we're using action points, and I had burned up 10 of them on metamagic-ing a Delayed Blast Fireball (on the tip of my fingers) with:
Energy Admixture:Fire
Enervate Spell
Empower Spell
Explosive Spell
Enhance Spell
Intensify Spell
Radiant Spell
Still Spell
Silent Spell
Twin Spell
I love Action Points.
That was well over 2000 damage, with a single Spell.
You've never seen the TO board then :D Over there, we can make Magic Missile seem entirely underpowered, by making Acid Arrow slaughter multiple Balors. Once you get into epic levels, most spellcasters will work on Epic spells, leaving most other spells behind as utility really
Gunnar: what’s wrong with Nex?
Desiree: his entire life is a lie.
Laryssa - Human Female Druid Major Bloodline Dryad
Jack - Human Male Samurai (don't laugh) Major Bloodline Titan
Braxxis - Human Male Dragon Shaman
Zarina - Human Female Sorcerer - 16 years of age and quite attractive (Appearance roll of 15 to go with an charisma of 17 - but with 3d6 flat apparenly healthy too, with 16 CON, but horrid str, wis, and int scores)
We did 3d6 and I chose to even let them stay in order. Hardcore.
Anyway, we have been through a mine recently with a bunch of gnolls and we know that there's a big boss guy, but we got out and were resting in the town that asked us to clear out the mine. We were on a quest to find "A Magical Instrument" but that's all we had to go on. While at the inn, a bard performs, and Zarina (my character) becomes quite starstruck. Laryssa hangs with her out of matronly concern - we had had a rough day.
So Zarina hangs on every note, and he seems to notice her. They strike up a conversation at the bar and he's very suave and she's eating up the attention and giving plenty to him too. After a few sense motive rolls the DM passes me a note telling me what I sense his motives for me are:
"Malevolent"
So after he invites me up to his room, I tell him I need to go check with my companions, and keep a smile on my face as I head back.
"So what did you find out about him?" they ask.
Then I deliver this line with a smile (with the vocal inflection of a 16 year old girl), "Hey guys I just had the most wonderful conversation with Lawrence. He studied music and art at blah blah academy, he's been playing the pipes since he was little, he travels around but he really likes performing here, he's got an amazing collection of stories, he's really sweet, and I think he's going to kill me."
Epilogue
Very quietly I begged the Samurai to say no and be obstinant so I'd have a plausible excuse to say no to Lawrence, who turned out to be the BBEG for that mini adventure.
In the end he's ended up joining us after considerable RP and me being pretty certain that there's no way we would have survived an attack against him. Now he's a DMPC in the party and trying to work Zarina into bed at every opportunity. Oh yeah, and he's a Neutral Evil Wererat.
PS - I am fairly certain we're all going to die within the next 2 sittings.
PC - 27
DM - Get out.
DM: Yes...?
Sieghard: Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
F4-17: If you're thinking we should start breaking stuff...then yes
[Whilst discussing the third island section that hasn't been discovered or detailed yet, but is horribly Evil, whilst Einderseod is Neutral and Mizu Omi is Good]
DM: So virtually every port is liable to tear your throats open and make jerky out of you really
Sieghard: I don't think we should land here...
DM: No problem, they have ships too, strong warship technology as well
Sieghard: I don't think we should sail here...
DM: And what about their airships?
Sieghard: You don't get the point by now?
DM - Whats your alignment?
PC - 27
DM - Get out.
I'm missing something here
I'm missing something here
Perhaps I should have mention that the PC claimed to have been playing for "a long time", and spent all of the previous session telling me how "technically wrong" my campaign was.
You had to be there.
DM: Dang, it seems that the most deadly encounter in all of D&D is a pair of hot chicks.
When I make my new account, this is going into the sig.
Lich: And now I shall open a portal and obtain sword! Then nothing shall stand in my way! *noticing the PCs* Ah, come to stop me have you? Well prepare for your demise...
Alerik: So you've been dead for what? 100 years?
Lich: 500, puny mortal!
Alerik: Wow, that must've been a long time without getting any.
Lich: Wait, what?
Pollux: Yeah, I mean you ARE dead it's not like you can get it up anymore...
Lich: What!?! Insolent fool! In life I had a harem with over a hundred wenches to serve me!
Alerik: Yeah? Note the word HAD? Where are they now?
Pollux: Over a 100? Wow, that means you got left by a hundred women, at the same time.
Alerik: Being shut down a hundred times in one day? Ooooh, harsh.
Lich: *tears welling up* Stop that! Stop that at once!
Alerik: Why? Did we strike a nerve? You should try getting some, then maybe you wouldn't be wound so tightly. Oh wait, you can't...
Lich: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW *Swinging his giant staff made out of spinal bones* THAT I NO LONGER NEED SUCH WEAK PLEASURES OF THE FLESH!!
Pollux: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
Lich: You insolent...*waves his staff*
Alerik: That's a mighty big bone staff you got there! Overcompensating for something you lost?
Lich: Aaaaaargh!!!!! *casts disintegrate on Alerik, who makes his save.*
Alerik: Oooooh, that tickled! Too bad that's all you can do now...
Lich: *gestures and a bunch of scythe wielding skeletons are summoned, the lich smirks*
Alerik: Ooooh skeletons! Too bad that they can't get you lai-
Lich: THAT'S IT! SERVANTS, ATTACK!
*Alerik and Polluks turn and run back through the portal that they entered the chamber through. As he's leaving, Alerik scoops up a rock and throws it back at the lich while smiting evil.*
Alerik: *roll* ...20
DM: ....ummm, okay because that is just so cool and you smited evil, I'm letting you crit the undead guy, roll your damage.
Alerik: *roll roll* ...46 damage
DM: You catch him in mid-cackle, and your well placed blow knocks him to the ground, humiliated and dazed.
Alerik: See you later Mr. Impotent!
And that's how a level 4 paladin of freedom and a level 3 fighter broke a lich's mind.
This is perhaps the best thing that ever happened in one of my gaming sessions. I'm Alerik btw. Note, this is paraphrased since I don't remember exactly what was said.
Lich: And now I shall open a portal and obtain sword! Then nothing shall stand in my way! *noticing the PCs* Ah, come to stop me have you? Well prepare for your demise...
Alerik: So you've been dead for what? 100 years?
Lich: 500, puny mortal!
Alerik: Wow, that must've been a long time without getting any.
Lich: Wait, what?
Pollux: Yeah, I mean you ARE dead it's not like you can get it up anymore...
Lich: What!?! Insolent fool! In life I had a harem with over a hundred wenches to serve me!
Alerik: Yeah? Note the word HAD? Where are they now?
Pollux: Over a 100? Wow, that means you got left by a hundred women, at the same time.
Alerik: Being shut down a hundred times in one day? Ooooh, harsh.
Lich: *tears welling up* Stop that! Stop that at once!
Alerik: Why? Did we strike a nerve? You should try getting some, then maybe you wouldn't be wound so tightly. Oh wait, you can't...
Lich: I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW *Swinging his giant staff made out of spinal bones* THAT I NO LONGER NEED SUCH WEAK PLEASURES OF THE FLESH!!
Pollux: Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.
Lich: You insolent...*waves his staff*
Alerik: That's a mighty big bone staff you got there! Overcompensating for something you lost?
Lich: Aaaaaargh!!!!! *casts disintegrate on Alerik, who makes his save.*
Alerik: Oooooh, that tickled! Too bad that's all you can do now...
Lich: *gestures and a bunch of scythe wielding skeletons are summoned, the lich smirks*
Alerik: Ooooh skeletons! Too bad that they can't get you lai-
Lich: THAT'S IT! SERVANTS, ATTACK!
*Alerik and Polluks turn and run back through the portal that they entered the chamber through. As he's leaving, Alerik scoops up a rock and throws it back at the lich while smiting evil.*
Alerik: *roll* ...20
DM: ....ummm, okay because that is just so cool and you smited evil, I'm letting you crit the undead guy, roll your damage.
Alerik: *roll roll* ...46 damage
DM: You catch him in mid-cackle, and your well placed blow knocks him to the ground, humiliated and dazed.
Alerik: See you later Mr. Impotent!
And that's how a level 4 paladin of freedom and a level 3 fighter broke a lich's mind.
Sorry, but a party with an average level of 3.5 got targeted with a disintegrate spell and lived? Not to mention that they defeated a CR 13 by making 46 points of damage (11 levels of spellcaster, +2CR for template).
Secondly, I rolled a 17 on my fort save.
Hope that clears things up.
You and the good people with whom you game with are officially...
Rogue-Mage Approved!
For making me spew my coke all over the screen with laughter.
I really should get a stamp saying, "Rogue-Mage Approved"... It would seriously help if I ever get to go to Gen-Con. Or meet some hilarious people...
:D ?
? ?Ah yes, forgot to mention some of the mechanics. The DM has modified the template so that others lower than 11th level could use it. I believe it was a base of 8th level druid. And come to think of it, I don't think it was disintegrate, it was something that would've done something like 6d6+?? if it hit though, which would've been deadly to me at that point.
Secondly, I rolled a 17 on my fort save.
Hope that clears things up.
5d6 damage on a successful save, with an average of 17.5 damage done on a successful save.
Also, a little side note, I know your DM was fudging things to have cool and I'm all for that, but smite evil is normally a melee attack, not a ranged attack unless you get that silly PrC that gives you the ability to ranged smite.
But hey, that's a pretty wimpy lich, having lived 500 years and caring about pleasures of the flesh. Must have been fun
We had a paladin in our party, who was very quick witted and intellegent (usually). So we were on this quest to retrieve some stolen exotic magic weapons for shopkeep. After following all the clues, we finally determine a gnome shopkeeper stole em and was gonna sell em on the black market. As we get ready to enter the shop....
Paladin: Let me do all the talking, chaps, I'll get the truth out of this cur!
*party enters the shop*
Paladin: Good day, shopkeep!
Gnome: Good day! How may i help you!
Paladin: Well, I've been doing some shopping around for something specific.
Gnome: Well, you'll find my wares to be very exotic AND fairly priced, what do you need?
Paladin: Well...I was looking for.....
Gnome: Yes?
Paladin: THE MAGICAL EXOTIC WEAPONS YOUR STOLE FROM GOLTHOR'S SHOP!
*everyone in the party stares at him in shock*
Gnome: I assure you sir, i have done no such thing!
*Paladin ponders to himself a moment*
Paladin: Yes...yes...i see....are you sure?
Gnome: YES!
Paladin: Well then....have you got a pineapple?
*everyone in the party and the gnome turn and give expressions of WTF to him*
*Paladin holds up his hand*
Paladin: Now, now....I'm going somewhere with this....You said you have exotic things, now have you got a pineapple?!
*gnome rummages through some things*
Gnome: Yes, I've got one right here.
*Paladin ponders a moment*
Paladin (in a very sly voice): Have you got the stolen exotic weapons?
Gnome: NO!!
Paladin: Whelp, I'm spent, your turn!
*paladin leaves the shop*
Well, after a round of tricksy negotiations and some baldface lying (and really poor sense motive checks from the leader NPC), my character walks back with the key.
Party's Cleric: "Faust, you got the key?"
Me: "Yep!"
Sorceror: "How in hell did you do that?"
Me: "Clever bargaining. I said I'd give him Orcus' wand, and failing that, my sould."
Monk: "We...don't have Orcus' wand?"
Me: "Nope!"
Sorceror: "Damnit Faust, we sent you in there to murder everyone when they weren't looking, not negotiate with them for your immortal soul!"
Me: "Relax, what's the worst that could happen?"
Two days later my character gets his soul stolen and winds up spending the next couple of rounds following the party in the spirit realm what overlaps the material plane.
Diviner: I'm casting Augury!
DM: Dude, there's a giant troll within melee range about to kill you!
Diviner: I know, but I want to know what the outcome of casting Magic Missile will be. I cast Augury!
DM:...That provokes attack of opportunity. The giant troll hits...*Rolls dice* and you die.
Diviner: I have cast Augury. What's it say?
DM: It says you're dead, you (bleep) idiot!
Diviner: Woe, then?
DM: *Cries and chokes on own bile*
And here's a quote from a rather odd singing sword we once found...
Sword: I am the very model of a modern major artifact,
I've information vegetable, animal, and battle facts,
I've always been a tool of good, fighting evil dudes who hate,
Except the time my guy went nuts and killed a LG magistrate...
I'm very well aquainted too, in any matters tactical,
I know how to trip and sunder when-ever it is practical,
About disarming theorem I'm always full of good advice,
And should that ever ever fail I'm also good to slice slice slice!
*At this point, all the other talking artifacts we had joined in a chorus of "And should that ever ever fail he's also good to slice slice slice!"*
I'm very good at Knowledge: Planes, Arcana, Nature, History
I've also got a lot of ranks in Religion, Nobility...
In short in matters vegetable, animal and battle facts,
I am the very model of a modern major artifact!
Fighter: ....How's this for a deal: I'll use you for my primary weapon if you never do that again.
Diviner: I'm casting Augury!
DM: Dude, there's a giant troll within melee range about to kill you!
Diviner: I know, but I want to know what the outcome of casting Magic Missile will be. I cast Augury!
DM:...That provokes attack of opportunity. The giant troll hits...*Rolls dice* and you die.
Diviner: I have cast Augury. What's it say?
DM: It says you're dead, you (bleep) idiot!
Diviner: Woe, then?
DM: *Cries and chokes on own bile*
And here's a quote from a rather odd singing sword we once found...
Sword: I am the very model of a modern major artifact,
I've information vegetable, animal, and battle facts,
I've always been a tool of good, fighting evil dudes who hate,
Except the time my guy went nuts and killed a LG magistrate...
I'm very well aquainted too, in any matters tactical,
I know how to trip and sunder when-ever it is practical,
About disarming theorem I'm always full of good advice,
And should that ever ever fail I'm also good to slice slice slice!
*At this point, all the other talking artifacts we had joined in a chorus of "And should that ever ever fail he's also good to slice slice slice!"*
I'm very good at Knowledge: Planes, Arcana, Nature, History
I've also got a lot of ranks in Religion, Nobility...
In short in matters vegetable, animal and battle facts,
I am the very model of a modern major artifact!
Fighter: ....How's this for a deal: I'll use you for my primary weapon if you never do that again.
Utterly unrealted to the first two, we once found a magic globe of some kind. Looking into it, we could see lots of stars and a big white swirly thingy. "Analyze Dweomer" revealed that an actual galaxy was contain in it. Then the half-orc barbarian dropped it down a flight of stone stairs and it shattered. All the stars went out.
DM: You feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.
And here's a quote from a rather odd singing sword we once found...
Sword: I am the very model of a modern major artifact,
I've information vegetable, animal, and battle facts,
I've always been a tool of good, fighting evil dudes who hate,
Except the time my guy went nuts and killed a LG magistrate...
I'm very well aquainted too, in any matters tactical,
I know how to trip and sunder when-ever it is practical,
About disarming theorem I'm always full of good advice,
And should that ever ever fail I'm also good to slice slice slice!
*At this point, all the other talking artifacts we had joined in a chorus of "And should that ever ever fail he's also good to slice slice slice!"*
I'm very good at Knowledge: Planes, Arcana, Nature, History
I've also got a lot of ranks in Religion, Nobility...
In short in matters vegetable, animal and battle facts,
I am the very model of a modern major artifact!
*Yoinked for the purpose of putting into my campaign*
"Would you like some wine with your teeth?"
Me: Give us the gems, or my mustache will eat your beard.
DM:
The hobgoblin lieutenant emerges from the barracks with a few more soldiers "Oh my Gods, what were you guys doing to eachother in that dark room? And why is that one limping? Was he the b***h for today?"
The hobgoblins are shooting but can't seem to hit the party which is in heavy cover on the opposite bank. "Hahaha, well I can understand your hands would be trembling after an experience like the one you've just had, I mean wow, there must have been, four, five of them in there with you, how did you even manage to keep a handle on all the situations at once?"
It went on like this for quite some time...
Player 2 is an Elf
NPC: Bring me 10 pairs of pointy elf ears as proof that you killed them.
Player 1 looks at player 2: Ok so... we already have one.
There is 4 players in the party
DM: The party gains 100 GP!
Player: Can you round that up a bit so we can divide it evenly?
Me: "Alright, guys, let's go help out Merrywik."
DM: "Melwik."
Me: "Merryweather?"
DM: "Melwik."
Me: "Goodburger?"
Dm: "A voice booms out form the heavens, 'MELWIK!'"
Me: "I look over to Merrywik and see if he noticed."
Here's a quote from the world's dumbest diviner:
Diviner: I'm casting Augury!
DM: Dude, there's a giant troll within melee range about to kill you!
Diviner: I know, but I want to know what the outcome of casting Magic Missile will be. I cast Augury!
DM:...That provokes attack of opportunity. The giant troll hits...*Rolls dice* and you die.
Diviner: I have cast Augury. What's it say?
DM: It says you're dead, you (bleep) idiot!
Diviner: Woe, then?
DM: *Cries and chokes on own bile*
And here's a quote from a rather odd singing sword we once found...
Sword: I am the very model of a modern major artifact,
I've information vegetable, animal, and battle facts,
I've always been a tool of good, fighting evil dudes who hate,
Except the time my guy went nuts and killed a LG magistrate...
I'm very well aquainted too, in any matters tactical,
I know how to trip and sunder when-ever it is practical,
About disarming theorem I'm always full of good advice,
And should that ever ever fail I'm also good to slice slice slice!
*At this point, all the other talking artifacts we had joined in a chorus of "And should that ever ever fail he's also good to slice slice slice!"*
I'm very good at Knowledge: Planes, Arcana, Nature, History
I've also got a lot of ranks in Religion, Nobility...
In short in matters vegetable, animal and battle facts,
I am the very model of a modern major artifact!
Fighter: ....How's this for a deal: I'll use you for my primary weapon if you never do that again.
Utterly unrealted to the first two, we once found a magic globe of some kind. Looking into it, we could see lots of stars and a big white swirly thingy. "Analyze Dweomer" revealed that an actual galaxy was contain in it. Then the half-orc barbarian dropped it down a flight of stone stairs and it shattered. All the stars went out.
DM: You feel a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced.
Prator, have 3 awesome points and my children.
Me: "WAIT! I have an IDEA! Roguey McBlindman, give me your sack. I need to cut it."
Roguey and the DM sputter a bit, and process the request.
Me: "That came out wrong. Just give me the sack with the jewels of it. Oh, that's not helping my case, is it?"
DM: "No, no it's not..."
After the laughing dies down, I implement my idea, namely, to cut a chunk off of the pouch big enough to house most of a light-imbued coin, secured with thread.
We face another baddie.
DM: "It's down the hallway, scurrying towards you."
Roguey: "I throw the coin at it, to mess up it's (supposed) darkvision!"
DM: "The coinpurse sails down the hallway and plinks off o it's chest, leaving you in complete darkness."
Roguey: "Uh, can someone cast Light again?"
And here's a quote from a rather odd singing sword we once found...
Sword: I am the very model of a modern major artifact,
I've information vegetable, animal, and battle facts,
I've always been a tool of good, fighting evil dudes who hate,
Except the time my guy went nuts and killed a LG magistrate...
I'm very well aquainted too, in any matters tactical,
I know how to trip and sunder when-ever it is practical,
About disarming theorem I'm always full of good advice,
And should that ever ever fail I'm also good to slice slice slice!
*At this point, all the other talking artifacts we had joined in a chorus of "And should that ever ever fail he's also good to slice slice slice!"*
I'm very good at Knowledge: Planes, Arcana, Nature, History
I've also got a lot of ranks in Religion, Nobility...
In short in matters vegetable, animal and battle facts,
I am the very model of a modern major artifact!
Fighter: ....How's this for a deal: I'll use you for my primary weapon if you never do that again.
Sigged!And here's a quote from a rather odd singing sword we once found...
Sword: I am the very model of a modern major artifact,
I've information vegetable, animal, and battle facts,
I've always been a tool of good, fighting evil dudes who hate,
Except the time my guy went nuts and killed a LG magistrate...
I'm very well aquainted too, in any matters tactical,
I know how to trip and sunder when-ever it is practical,
About disarming theorem I'm always full of good advice,
And should that ever ever fail I'm also good to slice slice slice!
*At this point, all the other talking artifacts we had joined in a chorus of "And should that ever ever fail he's also good to slice slice slice!"*
I'm very good at Knowledge: Planes, Arcana, Nature, History
I've also got a lot of ranks in Religion, Nobility...
In short in matters vegetable, animal and battle facts,
I am the very model of a modern major artifact!
Fighter: ....How's this for a deal: I'll use you for my primary weapon if you never do that again.
How can you NOT love a sword that rapes and bastardizes Pirates of Penzance? I mean, seriously. :D
I haven'y been here in years too. Amazing!Speaking of still going, I'm running my D&D campaign again which has been on and off for about 3 years now and has seen the PCs go from level 1 to currently level 18. The current adventure has the PCs racing to stop a "Former goddess turned mortal" from using an ancient artifact to achieve godhood again. The reason to stop her is she's planning on sacrificing Orcus in the process and she's WORSE then he is demenor wise. So right now the PCs are laying seige to her fortress city in the mountains:
Dice is a rogue
Vincent is a ranger
Zanadu is a druid/cleric
Tiberius is a wizard/archmage
DM: "So what are you going to do?"
Dice: "I'm just going to casually walk into the town."
Zanadu: "I'm going to follow behind him as an Air Elemental."
DM: "Wait... you're going to walk into the town of demons and Zanadu is going to stay in her air elemental form?"
Dice: "Traveling to town with the wind at my heels."
DM: "The berzerker goes into a rage and comes at you with a sword swinging."
Zanadu: "As a whirlwind I'll use a whirlwind attack. He'll have to make two strength checks to resist."
DM: "The berzerker passes both checks easily."
Zanadu: "Wha-! Oookay..."
DM: "It's a Berzerker. They have four stats; Strength, Constitution, Wisdom, and Strength."
Dice: "My thought is lets each take a chest and then you all hide while I try to see how many more chests I can take before the tower destroys me."
Tiberius: "I was thinking of something along those lines myself."
Vincent: "Wait, sacrifice Dice?"
Tiberius: "Sacrificing minions, is there anything it can't do?"
Dice: "They need a spell to create turbulent wind."
Vincent: "How about Defenestrating Sphere? It's a ball of wind."
Dice: "No, I mean centered around you."
Vincent: "That's called a burrito."
Tiberius: "Sacrificing minions, is there anything it can't do?"
So sayeth Xykon, Lich extraordinaire.
The party
ixiador: CG fighter/cleric/knight of the left hand wields a ironwood Great sword (it works cos i said so)
Grim: CE Caliban (as half-orc from ravenloft) 8' Barbarian who's body was covered in spikes from head to foot and wields a hulking ball and chain
Vorm: LE Necromancer/Necrophage (currently undead with 2 extra arms and has replaced his skin with red dragon scales but hides this from party with illusions)
Binky: TN minotaur/barbarian who swings a mythral greatclub
nalya: NG psion
Trell: LG Martial artist/Psion cohort of nayla (has so far been almost entirely useless and is mostly regarded as Grims plaything
So after a couple of weeks waiting for the ships to arrive one morning sails are seen on the horison, after the party is satisfied that the ships are indeed from the temple they casually waited for the ships to arrive.
The party greets the representatives from the temple and all goes well, the sailors on the ships start to bring the goods off.
Grim: I'm gonna go talk to one of the sailors
so Grim the 8' Caliban's ( Caliban's = not pretty) covered from head to foot in spikes with a large metal spike fitted to his forehead, wanders over to a lone sailor moving some wood up the beach
Grim: Hi I'm Grim
Sailor: uhh?
Grim: will you be my friend (rolls intimidate)
sailor: (cowers) i just want to bring this wood over there (points)
Grim: Grim thinks you look nice you like Grim
sailor:
i...i... uh?Grim: mmmm... Grim think he like you lots
By this point the other sailors have stopped working and are watching this strange courtship
Grim: I'm gonna " removed for thoughts of a sensitive nature" you
sailor:
(cowers)DM: he resists you're advances if you "really want to do this then you're gonna have to grapple him first.
Grim: (rolls his love grapple)
DM: as you wrestle with the man, he's impaled on you're spikes roll damage please
Grim: mmmm Grim forgot about his grapple damage
DM: well you now have the body of a sailor stuck to your torso some of the other sailors are running away some are being sick.
Grim: well i'm gonna chase one
by this time the three clerics from the temple have arrived with the rest of the party to see grim with a corpse on his chest chasing sailors.
Cleric: casts spell
Grim: (fails save)
Grim is bound in chains and fixed to the ground instantly
cleric: well what happened here then?
Grim: I slipped
needles to say Grim was given an option to change his evil ways he coudent refuse, he is now much nicer to sailors.
Later that session the party arriveing at a stronghold of a group they believe has some important info regarding the campaign arch villain.
DM: ok you go in though the door and in front of you theres a long corridor with a kobold at the end stood in front of a doorway, as he sees you come through the door he dashes into a patch of darkness near the door.
Party: (makes spot checks)
DM: you all see theres a small scurry hole to the side of the door
Grim: charge
Binky: charge
Ixiador: readys
Vorm: readys
Nayla: readys
Trell: charge
party gets 50' down corridor theres a click from behind the door
DM: reflex saves!
Grim: fails
Binky: fails
Trell: passes
Ixiador: :D
Vorm::D
Nayla:
somewhat later in the dungeon Grim has decided to split up from the rest of the party mainly for looting purposes.
DM: you open the door behind it is a relatively featureless square room with a cake in the middle
Grim: i run to the cake
DM: click the sealing above yore square begins to fall reflex save
Grim: must save cake!
DM: ok then gimme a dex check to see whether you can grab the cake has you try to dive out of the square.
Grim: Ok reflex first (passes) and my cake (fails)
DM: ok Grim barely makes it out from under the falling column but misses the cake on the way out, you're now sat on you're face covered in icing.
Grimm:
My cake!!!!! now Grim "really" mad!Grim after carry's on along to the next room
DM: ok you see a mostly featureless room with a large money pouch sat in the center.
Grim: Ha Grims not that dumb! ok im gonna use my ball and swing it at the bag to try and knock it out from under the trap
DM: make me an attack roll then to hit the bag and a dex check to pull you're weapon back out before it gets squished
Grim: (rolls attack) hwah!
DM: the ball hits the bag and knocks it flying to the wall where it lands with a clink, gimme a dex to pull the ball back
Grim: (natural 1)
DM: the ball gets caught under the column which drops
Grim: ok ill try and pull it back out by the chain (makes strength check)
DM: the chain breaks you fall on your ass unceremoniously with a thump. Grim:
meen while Binky has gone looking for Grim finding him most distressed, Vorm and Ixiador have come to a room where there are two platforms at the exits and three ropes which are suspended form the sealing, the floor is flowing with a liquid they have confirmed is acid
Vorm: ok im gonna jump to get to the first rope then swing and try to jump to the next
DM: make me some rolls then.
Vorm: jumps (passes), jumps again (passes) jumps again (passes) weeeeee
jumps( natural 1) lands on ass in pool of acid
Ixiador: casts resist acid walks across room
through the next door ixiador and vorm find a room filled with kolbolds and the tribe chieftain. The rest of the party are now on there way but a couple of rounds behind.
Ixiador: ok im gona attack the leader (kills him in a single strike) I cleave kills 4 more.
DM: The kolbolds begin to flee the room for the bolt holes
Vorm: meh they were easy
Ixiador: ATTACK OF OPPORTUNITY (kills the nearest one) mmmm can i cleave on a attack of opportunity
DM: (thinks well can a high level CG cleric cleave on an attack of opportunity against a band of fleeing kolbolds) Sure
Ixador: then i cleave away in the name of the unnamed one (kills several more)
Vorm: you are good right?
Ixiador: Of course I am sir Ixiador (self given title i'll add) of the left hand
Vorm: hmmm yes quite sinister
rest of the party arrives to find ixiador surrounded by dismembered kolbolds and vorms bony ass poking out from his new bottomless robes.
Binky, Grim, Trell, Nayla:
some time later it's getting late Grim gets tired and goes to bed (we had been playing a while i suppose aww) after exploring the entire complex have not found the archmage or his companion and have decided that negotiating with the daemon trapped in the wizards lab (within a circle vs.)
Daemon: ok so you want me to tell you how to get to the archmage?
Ixiador: yes
Deamon: well im not gonna tell you for nothing.
Ixiador: what why not
Daemon: because thats not how this works is it?
Ixiador: so what do you want?
Daemon: (getting bored) what do you have to offer?
Ixiador: i dunno what would you like?
Daemon: ok i tell you what (now very bored) you offer me something ill tell you whether i accept hows that?
Binky: ok i offer to make you part of my clan
Daemon: I accept
Nayla: mmm i could give you my name
Deamon: hmmm ok
Vorm: yeah you can have my name too
Deamon: smiles very well
Ixiador: (thinks for a moment then writes something on a piece of paper)
Deamon: I accept (hands over a portal key and disapears)
Binky: what did you give him
Vorm: yeah why is the DM still laughing?
Ixiador: ehhhh
Binky: (starts to frown) what what did you write down
Ixiador: Grim
Everyone: (whinces)
Vorm: dude you just gave a party member to a daemon
Ixiador: :P I can get an atonement right?
DM: I dont think so icky, i don't think giving away party members counts as accidental.
then we all began to cry mainly with laughter
We were in the midst of an epic-level campaign (we were 21-22 level) when the following story happened. The party was a Psion, a Sorceror, a Cleric, and two Fighters. We were contracted to kill a demon who had escaped our clutches earlier in the session. After a bit of time wandering in the woods we finally find this guy living in a Drow city (why the Drow were living above ground in the middle of a forest you'd have to ask the DM).
A few plans are battered around on how to approach the city, including stealth. However we eventually compromise on standing 500 or so feet back and casting area affects on the city to weed out those Drow. So first up is the Cleric who begins a Storm of Vengence, leveling several small structures and killing dozens of Drow. Next up is the Sorceror who Meteor Swarms them leveling a few more buildings and thinning out the Drow population even more. Lastly my Psion steps up and creates a Tornado in the town which destorys the last few remaining structures and kills all but 15 of the remaining Drow.
The DM (horrified at our actions) looks at the Fighters, one of whom was named Jordan.
DM: "You want to do anything."
Jordan: "I want to throw an axe."
DM: "You what?!?"
Jordan: "I want to thow this hand axe."
DM: "The town is 400 feet away."
Jordan: "Yeah but I've got a strength of like a 30 I could make it that far."
DM: *sigh* "Fine but your going to take a ton of penalti..."
Jordan: *rolls* 20!
So this Drow had survived a Storm of Vengence, a Meteor Swarm, and a Tornado and picked himself out of the ruined structures of his very home and friends, to be hit in the head by an axe from 400 yards away.
My DM would be proud of the atrocity that your group has committed SpiderDave.
Man, this morning I've been reading this thread and I've been wondering if I should invest in a beanbag chair so that I can't fall out of it when laughing.
So lemme think of some of those posters.
SpiderDave, Horseradish_5000, and Prator_the_Legendary; you three are all...
Efficiency: Using area of effect spells in tandem to perform horrific acts of genocide for the express purpose of weeding out a single demon.
sigged
Assorted lines:
*After nuking a formian hive*
Sorcerer: Well, they're dead now. Those guys were retarded.
Paladin: What are you talking about? No they weren't.
Sorcerer: Huh?
Paladin: You torched every last one of them. The corpses are still burning. Clearly they were not retardant.
Group: *Collective groan*
Cleric: I attack the paladin with my mace!
DM: You hit.
Cleric: As I smite the moron, I yell "Bad puns make the god of retribution cry!"
DM: Well, you realize that the small, feeble-looking old kobold isn't bluffing: He really is immune to force, elemental damage, all forms of weapon damage, and all stat-ailment magic including death spells. Once again he asks you to surrender.
Warforged: Pfft. As if. I pull out my antimatter cannon and blast him.
DM: *Rolls dice.* He dies. And I'm beginning to regret giving you that.
Sorcerer: Okay, so the pedestal is trapped. No problem, I'll just cast mage hand to life it off the altar and into my waiting grasp.
DM: Pulled by an invisible force, the gold key floats up from its place and zips into your hands.
Paladin: Whoo! Yeah! Use the force!
Sorcerer: ...And then I use the same mage hand to give the noob a wedgie.
DM: *Rolls dice* Paladin, you are dealt 4 points of nonlethal damage to your ego and are staggered.
Captain: Arr, I be thankin' ye fer helpin' me git rid of the undead on me ship. Yo ho!
Paladin: Help you? Sir, you were in the cabin crying like a baby for the entire six seconds it took for us to kill the one zombie on your deck. What kind of pirate are you?
Captain: Yarr, I be the kind that be knowin' the lingo and be a total wussy otharrrwise. Arrr.
And now I have a valid excuse to stop trying.
Calin: Gestalt Silver half dragon cleric/fighter of Torm
Ru'gar: Gestalt half orc Barbarian/fighter
Morael: Gestalt Moon elf Ranger/Bard
The scene:
While in the forgotten realms city of Suzail, the party mage had detected a shift in the weave. Fearful of his commune with Torm being overheard by the 'enemy' Calin wants to attempt a scry on Ru'gar to test some theories. Problem is he has no holy font for the focus, so he went to the temple district to ask permission to use one there. They decide to go into the temple of Tymora where they get the attention of a very young acolyte who is awe'd at the sight of this half dragon.
Calin: Good lad, I need to speak with the high priest.
Acolyte: a...ah...about what good sir?
Calin: I seek permision to use thier holy font for my spell...
Morael OCC: The Arial or the times roman..
general laughter all around the table...
Calin OCC: LOL...duh the Helvetica of course!
Ah the Helvetica the holiest of all fonts!
First, as the DM was setting the scene for the BBEG encounter--
DM: You come upon the fortress...blah blah blah setup info blah blah blah... [OOC] and basically you only have a few hours to stop him before everything goes to hell in a handbasket, as it were.
Sorcerer (OOC): ...or, more appropriately, to Baator in a Heward's Handy Haversack?
Later, the sorcerer summons a dao (earth genie) to look around and assist the party, but due to the sorc's prior bad reputation with elementals, the dao is fairly unwilling. The sorcerer, normally a very eloquent RPer, is having an "off day"...
Dao: And why should I help one such as yourself who has treated my kind with disrespect and dishonor?
Sorcerer: Uh...weeeell...
Dao: Why are those you oppose more worthy of my wrath than you yourself?
Sorcerer: Um...I...They...:lightbulb Those people hate rocks!
Yes! I'm funny! And I have a label made by an uncertified random person on the internet to prove it!
Hey! I have certificimations-- certifications!
...
They're just in my other pair of pants, s'all.
The Cast
Calin: Gestalt Silver half dragon cleric/fighter of Torm
Ru'gar: Gestalt half orc Barbarian/fighter
Morael: Gestalt Moon elf Ranger/Bard
The scene:
While in the forgotten realms city of Suzail, the party mage had detected a shift in the weave. Fearful of his commune with Torm being overheard by the 'enemy' Calin wants to attempt a scry on Ru'gar to test some theories. Problem is he has no holy font for the focus, so he went to the temple district to ask permission to use one there. They decide to go into the temple of Tymora where they get the attention of a very young acolyte who is awe'd at the sight of this half dragon.
Calin: Good lad, I need to speak with the high priest.
Acolyte: a...ah...about what good sir?
Calin: I seek permision to use thier holy font for my spell...
Morael OCC: The Arial or the times roman..
general laughter all around the table...
Calin OCC: LOL...duh the Helvetica of course!
Ah the Helvetica the holiest of all fonts!
No no no. Not just helvetica. It has to be Helvetica Bold!
There was the moment I realised I'd been gaming too long with the same lads. We were playing a D&Dish game, hunting for a dingus called the 'Hand of Neckabar' or something. A larger, more powerful group hired by the local church were trying to get the dingus too. Towards the end of the quest, after we had found most of the disassembled hand and reassembled it, this group caught us in an ambush in a back-alley - assassins with crossbows on the surrounding roofs, rentathugs blocking all the ground-level exits. Their leader, a big bristly cleric or something, stepped up and demanded in the GM's best Darth Vader impersonation, "Give Me The Hand!"
Without pausing, thinking or looking at each other, we all burst into applause.
It went badly after that, but hey.
Regards,
andrewthotep
Kailey: elderly female LG Cleric of Pelor. think Mother Theresa
Simon: 13 year old LN monk, also blind (w/o blindsense, its not retarded like that)
Alex: Werelion/monk
Edux: Barbarian/Totemist Dragonborn of Bahamut
Stacey: Female Elf Rogue
Rupert: Noble Born Human Sorceror
----------------------------------------------
The group was about to head through a cold mountain pass, giving chase after some hobgoblins and worgs or something. Edux realizes it's going to be pretty chilly up ahead, so confers quickly with Kailey.
Kailey promptly turns to Rupert and Simon and scolds "Now you boys put on some warmer clothes or you'll catch cold."
Simon (who constantly throughout this session has been refered to as Kailey's grandson by NPC's, teased about his age and all around being given a rough time) responds disdainfully, "I don't need a scarf, you're not my mom! I'm an ORPHAN, and I've survived this long without you, gosh!"
Rupert agrees with Simon instantly, and Kailey put her hands on her hips "Now you listen here you young fools, I only prepped THREE Endure Elements so you better put some goddam scarves on!"
Me(DM): Alright, Simon and Rupert roll will saves.
S and R: What why?
Me: Save vs "Wear Scarf"...
--------------------------------------------------------
Cleric: As I smite the moron, I yell "Bad puns make the god of retribution cry!"
I've always wanted to be a paladin with the ability "Smite Stupid"...
Idiotic Smite:
Level: 1337/l/355 4
Components: V, S
Casting Time: 1 standard action
Range: Medium: (100 + 10 ft per level)
Area: 20 ft. burst
Duration: Instantaneous (see text)
Saving throw: Will partial, see text
Spell resistance: Yes
You draw down 73l-l 1337z0rz P0l/l/z0rz to smite annoying morons. Only boneheads and fools are affected by this spell. Cool and intelligent people are unaffected.
This spell deals 1d8 points of damage per 2 caster levels (maximum 5d8) to each stupid person in the area (or 1d6 points of damage per caster level, to a maximum of 10d6, to insufferable dolts) and causes them to be nauseated for one round. A successful will save reduces the damage to half and negates the nauseation. However, idiots who are unrepentant of their acts automatically fail their saves.
The spell deals only half damage to those who are neither stupid nor cool, and they are not nauseated. Such a creature can reduce that damage by half (down to a quater of the roll) with a successful will save.
the party's been captured by the BBEG, their stuff confiscated.
Monk (OOC): How long have we been in captivity?
DM: Well, you don't exactly have a watch, but judging by the slant of the sunlight through the bars, you've been out almost exactly a day.
Monk: *Grins at the rest of the party* Get ready.
Bard: For what?
Monk: The diversion. Remember that artifact we needed to submerse in water every 24 hours or it'd explode? I somehow doubt our captors were that clever. Any minute now...
DM: *sigh* About two hours pass and you realize since it's in a bag of holding, all it destroyed was the rest of your stuff in the bag of holding. There's a little puff of smoke, they don't even notice it.
Monk: *deathglares at DM*
DM: What? You're not gonna Just Happen to explode your way out before the BBEG interrogates you!
I'd have so many more Best Lines if the DMs worked with rather than against me...
Originally Posted by Prator_the_Legendary
Yes! I'm funny! And I have a label made by an uncertified random person on the internet to prove it!
I'm not just a random person
Anyways it's been far too long since I've posted up my own material on to this thread. And since I've had a few sessions that I wasn't the one running I'll try to remember some funnier tid-bits.
Campaign: A High-Powered D&D campaign where the PC's are part of a prophecy (that we didn't know the details of mind you) and where the BBEG makes regular appearances to make sure we do things on schedule (while taunting, performing philosophy and moral sermons, oh and kills elf girls at the drop of a hat).
Characters Included:
Show
PC's:
Cypher Marduke (Me): NG Pure Fighter; follower of Pelor, a practitioner of the High Sun Warrior way (lot of leap attacks and combat focus). Oddly the moral compass of the party. Frustrated at his own inability to hit the AC of the apparently Epic villain who comes around often.
Iskar (deceased): CN Sorcerer Chef; Intended to create food version of potions and become an 'Arcane Chef' of sorts. Death details later.
Raul: CG Ranger/Warlock; the diplomat of the crew. Willing to listen to all sides of the problem before slicing, dicing, and KASHOOM-ing.
Garan: CN/G/E Drow Cleric of Eliastree (slowly going towards Lolth); the foil of the group. Tends to actually sit down and listen, LISTEN!, to the BBEG's sermons and is seriously considering to ask if Hextor would allow a worshipper of Lolth into his fold.
NPC's:
Aruto: Otherwise known as the BBEG. A powerful follower of Hextor who can be described as PURE EVIL!!! Or as most female NPC's put it, a beautiful man *swoon*.
Elizabeth: Incontent female spirit trapped within Cypher's blade. No powers beyond having senses and the capability of speech. Her body was sacrificed in some rite concerning the sword (said rite was done by Aruto none-the-less) and is enamoured with Aruto. Mocks Cypher's incapability to kill Aruto (much less touch him) and questions as to why she must be wielded by an idiot.
PC's:
Cypher Marduke (Me): NG Pure Fighter; follower of Pelor, a practitioner of the High Sun Warrior way (lot of leap attacks and combat focus). Oddly the moral compass of the party. Frustrated at his own inability to hit the AC of the apparently Epic villain who comes around often.
Iskar (deceased): CN Sorcerer Chef; Intended to create food version of potions and become an 'Arcane Chef' of sorts. Death details later.
Raul: CG Ranger/Warlock; the diplomat of the crew. Willing to listen to all sides of the problem before slicing, dicing, and KASHOOM-ing.
Garan: CN/G/E Drow Cleric of Eliastree (slowly going towards Lolth); the foil of the group. Tends to actually sit down and listen, LISTEN!, to the BBEG's sermons and is seriously considering to ask if Hextor would allow a worshipper of Lolth into his fold.
NPC's:
Aruto: Otherwise known as the BBEG. A powerful follower of Hextor who can be described as PURE EVIL!!! Or as most female NPC's put it, a beautiful man *swoon*.
Elizabeth: Incontent female spirit trapped within Cypher's blade. No powers beyond having senses and the capability of speech. Her body was sacrificed in some rite concerning the sword (said rite was done by Aruto none-the-less) and is enamoured with Aruto. Mocks Cypher's incapability to kill Aruto (much less touch him) and questions as to why she must be wielded by an idiot.
"An elf, a dwarf, and a human go into a bar. The elf says,
"Give me your finest Darkwood elf wine."
The dwarf says,
"One mug of the famous Ironcrag ale," and the human says,
"I wanna beer!"
At which the elf collapsed on the floor, giggling inanely, while the completely human patrons looked on perplexedly.
Thri-keen Psychic Warrior with an insane jump check (+46). Has a Cha of 4.
Human (Half-elf? Elf?) Ranger with Manyshot and Rapidshot. Has incredible luck with his die rolls.
Elan Psion. Focuses of damaging powers and wears plate mail (not proficient). Has a permanent (variant Unguent of Timelessness) winged Astral Construct called Thubby (yes, it is). Result: If he tried to actually *do* anything he would stink, but most of his powers don’t require attack rolls.
Why the BBEG is alive
First, Ranger and Psion are in the courtyard of ruins that have been converted to an orc temple (Eye of Gruumsh). PsyWar is below, searching the ruins. Note: he was disguised as a orc SOMEHOW, despite his four arms and chitinous carapace.
PsyWar: Okay, I bash down the door to the treasure room.
DM: Before you do, a man in a black cloak with a suave manner steps out of the shadows.
Man: If you want, I can open that door for you. You can even take all the treasure. Except for an amulet I desire. That alone I claim.
Psion: Kill him! BBEG alert!
PsyWar: Okay, open the door.
[Man opens door somehow]
Psion: Kill!
DM: You aren't there, remember? (Puts on evil grin)
PsyWar: Go into the room, search around, and get the stuff.
DM: Okay, the man strides over to a chest, opens it, and -
Psion: KILL HIM!
DM: -pulls out a small golden locket.
Man: Ah! This is it.
PsyWar: Who are you?
Man: No one you need care about.
Psion: KILL! KILL!
PsyWar: Shush! I'm Role-Playing!
Man: Blessings of Moodak upon you.
DM: The man holds up the locket and vanishes. The last you see of him is a flawless smile and a wink.
Psion: Great work. You let the BBEG of the campaign escape with the artifact.
[Much later, in a tavern]
Ranger: Okay, Gather Info check. [Rolls] 24.
DM: You hear rumors that the new governor of the town, who has an odd amulet, is secretly a cultist of Moodak.
Psion: Kn(whatever) check on Moodak. [Rolls nat. 20] Cool! 35 total!
DM: Moodak is a god that never existed in Toril. He is an elder force of perversion, chaos, and, though not evil himself, wanton destruction. There are rumors that his cultists are attempting to access him through a dimensional rip in Limbo.
Psion: …
PsyWar: Um, sorry?
DM: [laughs]
First, Ranger and Psion are in the courtyard of ruins that have been converted to an orc temple (Eye of Gruumsh). PsyWar is below, searching the ruins. Note: he was disguised as a orc SOMEHOW, despite his four arms and chitinous carapace.
PsyWar: Okay, I bash down the door to the treasure room.
DM: Before you do, a man in a black cloak with a suave manner steps out of the shadows.
Man: If you want, I can open that door for you. You can even take all the treasure. Except for an amulet I desire. That alone I claim.
Psion: Kill him! BBEG alert!
PsyWar: Okay, open the door.
[Man opens door somehow]
Psion: Kill!
DM: You aren't there, remember? (Puts on evil grin)
PsyWar: Go into the room, search around, and get the stuff.
DM: Okay, the man strides over to a chest, opens it, and -
Psion: KILL HIM!
DM: -pulls out a small golden locket.
Man: Ah! This is it.
PsyWar: Who are you?
Man: No one you need care about.
Psion: KILL! KILL!
PsyWar: Shush! I'm Role-Playing!
Man: Blessings of Moodak upon you.
DM: The man holds up the locket and vanishes. The last you see of him is a flawless smile and a wink.
Psion: Great work. You let the BBEG of the campaign escape with the artifact.
[Much later, in a tavern]
Ranger: Okay, Gather Info check. [Rolls] 24.
DM: You hear rumors that the new governor of the town, who has an odd amulet, is secretly a cultist of Moodak.
Psion: Kn(whatever) check on Moodak. [Rolls nat. 20] Cool! 35 total!
DM: Moodak is a god that never existed in Toril. He is an elder force of perversion, chaos, and, though not evil himself, wanton destruction. There are rumors that his cultists are attempting to access him through a dimensional rip in Limbo.
Psion: …
PsyWar: Um, sorry?
DM: [laughs]
DM: Don’t level up yet. How many HP do you have?
Psion: Ten, why?
PsyWar: Okay, now you’re getting punished,
Ranger: Campaign over.
DM: You just took 23.
Psion: Resilience! What hit me?
DM: [laughs] The halfling from the boat!
Halfling: Can I stop attacking you now?
Psion: YES!!!!!
PsyWar: I can see this, right?
DM: Yep. You’re on the slopes of the volcano.
PsyWar: I have just found religion.
Can I make a Citizen's Rogue Mage Approval? :D
I hereby claim Soluphobe and crew to be...
Psionics are broken…
Ack! Smite ignorance! Psionics are not broken. However, I do see some flaws here.
1) Elan Resilience requires an immediate action - 1/round. So only against one attack a round. That axe wielder, unless at a lower level (which I guess is possible) could be getting multiple attacks a round. But you'd only be able to block one.
2) Augmentation rules. You can only spend a number of power points per manifestation equal to manifester level - ie 6 pp. WTF kind of energy wall kills an epic druid after 6 pp?
3) IIRC, deities don't autofail on a natural 1. I'm really certain Yondalla should have dispelled your psionic levitation.
Please correct these mistakes with your DM before you turn him against psionics. It's still a really funny story. It does deserve that rogue mage approval.
EDIT: And now I wonder how you pulled off that trick with the extra PP and HP. You say you took Psionic Body and as many copies of Psionic Talent that you could? Well, at level 6, you have 5 feats by my count: 1st, 1st bonus, 3rd, 5th bonus, 6th. That would net you +10 HP and +8 PP. A 9th level psion has 37 more PP than a 6th level psion. You say you have the PP of a 9th level psion, but my calculations reveal 27 PP not accounted for. Which gives me only 26 more points of damage you can take without these feats. Just how many flaws did you take? By my calculations, you'd need at least 13 just to get the PP. I sense a great discontinuity . . . I do hope that either
a) You're an excellent storyteller, and this didn't really happen/you've exaggerated, OR
b) It was an honest goof-up, and you'll be explaining how your build wasn't actually legal. Convince him psionics are not broken.
1
I asked the DM about this, and he said that the NPCs were 4th level so that we wouldn't get into the 'My uber NPCs go around and do stuff, you get to watch,' trap. So only 1 attack/round for the fighter.
We enter a city. No room for a giant owl.
The bard loans the owl the Tenser's Floating Disk.
DM starts making the orange cloud "Bidididididi" noise.
I groan.
"So this white owl's cruising around town austerely perched on a popemobile...
ORLY?!"
Just picture it...man...that ain't right...
ME- Human Ftr1/Soc6/EK7 using the metamagic specialist variant
A few giants are chucking 40lb iron balls of gunpowder over the town wall, they break on impact. Now back then my EK used a smokepowder pistol(trying to do 'outlaw star')
DM: After the ball hits the ground you see whats inside, Sayorin (me) you notice the powder inside, it's similar to what you use in your pistol
ME:
I whip out my scroll of OR Sphere and use it to cover the gunpowder ballDM: ok, you see the flaming arrows rain down upon the sphere harmlessly
ME: whew!
DM: you see another ball land
ME:
I yell 'duck, that was my only scroll!'DM: The arrows rain in and create the equivalent of a fireball spell
**awhile later when the grounds troops come in**
I'm now fighting 2 Orcs
ME: My eyes lite up as I remember the gunpowder ball is still covered, I fend off the Orcs' attacks as I cast Protection from Fire on myself, take a 5ft step towards the sphere, dismiss the sphere and use a Quickened Prestidigidation on the Gunpowder
DM: *makes some rolls* ok you manage to severly wound one Orc and kill the other
ME:
I Love Bluff...
We're checking out this warehouse, looking for vampires (the vampire template has been mangled and ripped into pieces, then glued together masterfully to create a really cool drug-dependent undead).
Euprimean: Eddie, you go first. You have racial HD and a good Con score.
Eddie: No way!
Euprimean: Bluff check...31.
DM: Eddie, you go first.
[Euprimean and Herb high-five]
Not trying to spoil the moment, but (a) how do you bluff somebody into going first, as bluff is merely a skill for convincing somebody that a lie is true (and it fails automatically if they know it can't be true) - what IC lie did you tell them, and where was their sense motive check? and (b) bluff, diplomacy etc. cannot make a PC do something they don't want to, or make them not do something that they want to.
tiefling rogue (me)
vamp barbarian
yuan-ti duskblade
half-medusa swashbuckler
All four characters are evil and didn't really get along, except that there seemed to be safety in numbers and they were being hunted.
We'd been flying on a zeppelin for at least several weeks. The only way into the control area was through a magical portal that you had to jump into, the yuan-ti had tried and missed but luckily had a fly spell to save herself.
Yuan-ti: I try to push Bob (vampire) in.
DM: Opposed strength check.
The yuan-ti failed.
Vampire: What are you doing?
Yuan-ti: Someone has to go talk to the captain.
Vampire: ... Let's go throw the tiefling in.
Me: What?
They proceed to jointly grapple the tiefling, and throw her overboard.
DM: (laughing) Okay, right as you throw her in, the erinyes flies out of the portal. They collide and both fall back down into the control room. The captain comes up and in a perhaps magically louder voice bellows "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
Needless to say, the rest of the party thought it was hilarious. Meanwhile, the tiefling now greatly dislikes them.
and later...
DM: The zeppelin finally stops. Roll spot.
Everyone bar the barbarian (who has no attribute lower than 16, mind you) calls their roll, then looks at the barbarian.
Barb: *sadly* 1.
DM: Okay, you 3 see a castle on an island down below. You *looks at barb* see a seagull.
Now in real life is someone misses something, they've seen a seagull.
We also are exceedingly good at hurting each other accidentally, through critical failures, or my armour that casts retributive spells (like seething eyebane and slow consumption) except we always seem to be fighting undead, so it always hits the nearest ally.
Off-topic, but I did actually create the borg with a wild mage in an old game. The DM had never seen Star Trek, so when he found out what I was doing he...um...used the 'rock falls, you die.' Literally. A comet struck the world and pushed it into the sun. But it wasn't entirely my fault. One of the other players kept IC trying to kill himself, but kept missing, and the other wanted to graft an orc to his skin (:uh-huh
. Hey, it was my first character!Our current party consists of the following:
Flick - Human rogue w/ a personality like Quagmire <-me
Cadis (I think) - Human paladin that avoids fighting, but kicks a$$ when he has to. <-DM
Half-elf cleric of Heironious - The "Lois" to my Quagmire <-K
Aramil Nailo - Elf rogue w/ intention of going dread pirate.<-I
We had just completed a side quest to rid a crypt of a Chain devil. Everyone was at level 5. I suffered an insta-kill from the devil(Ripped my head off). They were hauling my corpse to town to see if I could be raised. We went to our liaison for advice. This guy could tell thieves by the look of them, and had told both of us that if we touched anything he'd kill us.
Liaison - "Well, did you find out what was causing that ruckus?"
K - "Yes, it was a chain devil, it's dead now."
L - "Good, wait, wasn't there four of you that went?"
I - holds up my head
L - "Jeebus! What'd he do, steal from someone?"
K - "No, the chain devil did this, Is there anyone in this town that can raise him?"
L - "Hmm, Take him to the fishsmith."
The fishsmith is a in-group joke, he can make live fish using a forge. His trade is so hard that he cannot teach anyone, you just have the knack or not.
Fishsmith - "Yes, how can I help you?"
K - "(our liaison's name) said you could help our friend."
I - holds up my head
F - "Jeebus! What'd he do, steal from someone?"
K - "No, he died valiantly at the hands of a foe."
F - "You sure he didn't steal?"
K - "He didn't steal."
F - "OK, leave the body and I'll see what I can do, come back in the morning."
The next morning, I am alive and well, minus a level, plus webbed feet & hands, and I have gills in my neck. (In game I now have swim speed 60 and a +8 to swim, it furthered the DM's plot.)
Everyone, including Liaison - "Jeebus! what are you, inbred?"
K(OOC) - No, now he's like Kevin Costner(sp?) in Waterworld!
now no-one worries about me stealing, they just make inbreeding and Waterworld jokes.
now no-one worries about me stealing, they just make inbreeding and Waterworld jokes.
i would much rather worry about getting accused of stealing than hear waterworld jokes all the time......you have no idea how glad i am not to be you right now....
RIP
Me in my DM capacity: It feels so wrong, but it feels so right.
The wizard in the first was the perfect absent minded wizard, RPing reading books during battle, scribbling notes about enemies, chatting up the bad guys, etc. He and the party had finished off all but one bad guy, who was down to low-single-digit HP, and it was the wizards turn:
Wizard: *looks up from a book* Amazing! Simply amazing! Look here: Did you know the human body has slightly over 400 separate bones in it!?
Enemy Fighter:
It's just over 200, you idiot. I thought wizards were smart...Wizard: *looking put out* Really?
:lightbulb *bigby's crushing hand*Fighter:
*CRUNCH*Wizard: One, two, three...eleven...fifty-seven...one hundred twelve...two hundred ninety-three...three hundred eighty-two...nope, definitely around 400.:D
The second involved a PC hexblade and truenamer and an NPC sorcerer getting into an argument:
Hexblade: I don't care what he says, we're getting in and we're getting in now!
Sorcerer: I wasn't asking you, I was telling you: get out or you'll regret it.
Hexblade: Incompetent wimp.
Sorcerer: Arrogant bastard.
Truenamer:
Hexblade: Demonspawn.
Sorcerer: Son of a *****.
Truenamer:
Hexblade: *******!
Sorcerer: Bastard!
Truenamer:
Hexblade: *hex*
Sorcerer: *power word: pain*
Truenamer: :headexplo
Truenamer: jhghkthfa wruig'ekvkua'ysdfhjtrvgjh'!!!!!
Sorcerer:
*explodes, vaporizes, disappears from the face of the universe*Hexblade: :OMG!
Hexblade: Remind me never to get on your bad side!
The scroll will only send you a message 25 words long. You can try and explain the whole situation, but that's the limitation of the spell.
Let's try a Craft: Laconic Message check *rolls an Int check, gets a 20*
... What?
I made an Int check to try and craft a message that can cram everything that needs to be said in twenty-five words.
...
... Did it work?
... 'k, Violet writes up something that pseudo-intellectual philosophy majors would think of as great literature. ()
- Situation 2: After the group has so much fun during an evening session.
... I see sunlight!
Here's a one-liner that's kinda funny... Ever hear of Mirage Mullahs? For those of you who haven't, they're monsters that premiered in Sandstorm (Desert environment expansion book). They're known for creating these wonderful camps, hostelries, and similar things out in the desert at night, hoping to lure passing travelers to them. Travelers who fall under their spells and spend the night partying with them vanish with the dawn, becoming mirage mullahs themselves. Now, our party had some experience with these. In fact, once there was an effective TPK because of a mirage mullah encounter. So when the rerolled characters find themselves in the desert at night...
DM: Off in the distance, you see bright fires burning near what can only be an oasis. You can hear laughter and calls for dances, music, and more ale.
Sorcerer: WOO! Party! Let's go!
Paladin: No no, wait, hold on a moment... What kind of music?
DM: They're singing "Welcome to the Hotel California."
Sorcerer:...
Paladin:...
Sorcerer: Okay, you know what? Let's sleep outside tonight.
They're known for creating these wonderful camps, hostelries, and similar things out in the desert at night, hoping to lure passing travelers to them. Travelers who fall under their spells and spend the night partying with them vanish with the dawn, becoming mirage mullahs themselves.
"There is a house in New Orleans, They call the Rising Sun..."
DM: Off in the distance, you see bright fires burning near what can only be an oasis. You can hear laughter and calls for dances, music, and more ale.
Sorcerer: WOO! Party! Let's go!
Paladin: No no, wait, hold on a moment... What kind of music?
DM: They're singing "Welcome to the Hotel California."
Sorcerer:...
Paladin:...
Sorcerer: Okay, you know what? Let's sleep outside tonight.
That may be the single best Eagles reference ever. :D
Sorc:"It's See Spot Run for mages."
The second involved a PC hexblade and truenamer and an NPC sorcerer getting into an argument:
Hexblade: I don't care what he says, we're getting in and we're getting in now!
Sorcerer: I wasn't asking you, I was telling you: get out or you'll regret it.
Hexblade: Incompetent wimp.
Sorcerer: Arrogant bastard.
Truenamer:
Hexblade: Demonspawn.
Sorcerer: Son of a *****.
Truenamer:
Hexblade: *******!
Sorcerer: Bastard!
Truenamer:
Hexblade: *hex*
Sorcerer: *power word: pain*
Truenamer: :headexplo
Truenamer: jhghkthfa wruig'ekvkua'ysdfhjtrvgjh'!!!!!
Sorcerer:
Hexblade: :OMG!
Hexblade: Remind me never to get on your bad side!
lol. Never get in a namecalling fight with a truenamer.
Party: "What the hell was that?"
Me: rolls. nat 20.
DM: slides me a note.
Me: "...****." (That's the S-Word.)
Ship's Mage: Captain, we can raise the ship again for repairs
Master at Arms: Da, and ve can use the ballistae to shell the device
('Device' meaning some form of ancient superweapon in the stronghold)
Captain: If you can pay for this ship in two heartbeats, I'll listen. Until then, THE SHIP STAYS ON THE WATER
Cook: It's the only chance we have, would you rather see that thing functional?
Archaeologist: All evidence from the area suggests it could wipe out the entire planet, let alone Mizu Omi
Captain: I'm still not listening
Helmsman: Think of the rewards
Captain: ...All hands, aim down [Wanders off]
Cook: Where are you going now?
Captain: If you hear sobbing, it's just the water coming in...
context: this is an adventure from some dungeon issue, modified to fit the capaign, of course. the big capital city of wherever we are is covered ankle-deep in, well.. "ickyness", as my character lightly puts it, and rats are running amok.
cast, relative to this story:
Mattarias (me)- half-elven bard. wears pink.
Almon (nicknamed C.C.)- human cleric. doesn't shut up. cha of 5.
Jack (Jacko)- human barbarian. ironically, slightly 'prettier' than the cleric.
Beliah: wererat lady with.. pet cats. O.o
The "Lord of Rats": Beliah's brother. apparently crazy. wererat. apparently likes them too much for his own good.
situation 1: we had just saved a member of the rat-catcher's guild from Beliah, and have revived her for questioning (after having beaten her via fire) about why she did what she did.
Mattarias: So, Ms. rat, care to explain why you did this?
Beliah: do what?
M: "do what?" you know full well what! we found blond hairs in that man's room, and you clearly are- er.. were a blond!
DM (OOC):
.. hunh? was?me (OOC): i set her on-
DM:
situation 2: discussing plans, right after returning the rat-catcher to his guild.
Mattarias: ok, ok, guys, look, i have an awesome idea!
Jacko: oh, this oughta be good. >.> silly pink guy's got an idea..
Mattarias: ok, get this, we have to go sh- *magic missle'd* who did that?! *sees a sorcerer from an evil guild we encountered before standing behind him* YOU'RE PAYING FOR MY SHIRT! :headexplo
situation 3: after beating that sorcerer and his motley crew of guild flunkies, he wakes up to a barbarian lying on top of him (i don't know.. O.o'), a cleric kneeling over him, and a guy dressed in bright colors pointing a sword at him.
DM: okay, just picture that image. this guy's not getting any sleep for weeks!
*everybody cracks up.*
situation 4: we track the Lord of Rats to his, er, "headquarters".
LoR: (after I rolled a four on my move silently check) YOU!
C.C.: YOU!
Lor: meet my pet! *calls a bigger-than-normal dire rat* his name is fluffy.
everyone:
LoR: well, you see, he knows some tricks. like, well, roll over, play dead, oh, and- ATTACK! *initiative time!*
sit. 4 part two: during battle, the barbarian is raging and slashing at Ratty like no tomorrow, fluffy apparently REALLY hates pink, and is going for me, while C.C's flanking it and dishing out healing to the barb. when necessary.
i suddenly get a 'bright' idea.
Me (OOC): i use my wand of wonder!
rest of party: NOOO!
DM: :evillaugh
Mattarias: *despite all pleas, points the wand at the rat* good night, fluffy.
DM: *rolls on her magic table o' doom* XD magical darkness fills the whole room.
rest of party: MATTARIAS!!
(hey, i thought it was funny..)
situation 4, part last part: the Lord o' Rats got knocked out by the barbarian, ad Fluffy, badly hurt, jumps onto the desk where some important plot-centric documents were being kept. note: magical darkness was sill everywhere.
Mattarias: hmm. i have an idea where he is.. soo.. *i move in, feeling my way around so i'm positioned in the middle of the room, with Jacko and C.C. to either side of me, i cast (a houseruled-in) burning hands* oooh, it sounds like i lit something on fire..
C.C.: MATTARIAS!!
eep, wow, sorry for the long post, folks. ^^; i haven't posted here in a while..
Our party is in combat with some critters that use harpoon-like tongues to snag prey and pull it toward their mouths. Our crazy barbarian gets snagged, and decides to charge the creature. His argument -
"It won't expect it!"
Perhaps needless to say, it didn't work out well. The barbarian wound up inside the thing, and reduced to negative HP from acid damage by the time we killed the critter and got him out. After a nastily graphic description from the DM about how his skin was sloughing off, the monk asks how heavy he is for encumbrance purposes. Someone said what we were all thinking - "About ten pounds lighter."
Later, we were discussing the rather anticlimactic nature of the 1st level clerical spell, Doom. "It doesn't really doom you, it's just that the cleric casting it says, 'I doom you!' so you believe it."
"I guess I can handle that. But I wouldn't buy a first level spell called Armageddon."
"Why not? I can imagine that it would be the clerical version of expeditious retreat. You know, 'Armageddon outta here!'"
Rogue: NG
Ranger(Me): CN
Druid: N
Fighter: NE
Bard: LE
This is from a while back, we had a rather varied group, with two very good characters, two rather evil characters and two neutral characters. The two evil characters would always sneak off at night and wreak havoc while the good characters were sleeping, and me and the druid (the neutral characters) were feeling a little left out.
We set about pulling "neutral pranks". Our most intricate began like this, in a town whose staple source of income was wool:
Ranger: Hey Rogue, did you hear the rumor about the lizardfolk around this countryside?
Rogue: No. What about them?
Ranger: Well when I was out in the forest yesterday I saw signs that they could be planning some sort of attack.
Rogue: What!? Really! We have to warn everybody!
Ranger: Well hang on now, you see, I don't think that causes panic and chaos in this poor village is gonna help, I have a much better plan.
Rogue: Like what? I'm not gonna be able to fight off a whole tribe of lizardmen by myself, and Fighter and Bard keep disappearing.
Ranger: Well, in my travels I've studied up on lizardfolk, read a few books, talked to some people, etc etc. I've discovered that blessed livestock actually WARDS against lizardfolk somehow.
Rogue: Wards?
Ranger: Yeah, like, if somebody with some kind of divine power or something were to preform a ritual over like... cows, or horses....
Rogue: Or Sheep! There are lots of sheep around here.
Ranger: Wow, yeah, you're right.
DM: Okay hold on one damn minute. Roll a bluff dude.
Ranger
rolls) highRogue (rolls) low.
DM: Fine.
Rogue: So what is your plan exactly?
Well timed entrance by druid occurs here.
Ranger: Well... hmm. I'll figure out everything, but there is something I need you to do.
Rogue: What?
Ranger: After dark, just work your way through town unlocking doors.
So under the cover of darkness, the druid and I set about placing a single sheep in every house in the town, having convinced the rogue we were protecting the townsfolk's homes from invading lizardfolk.
"Why not? I can imagine that it would be the clerical version of expeditious retreat. You know, 'Armageddon outta here!'"
MASSIVE GROAN
Claire: A lawful evil wizard from our DMs evil campaign. She is the identical twin sister to my retired former evil character Sarah, who went on a rampage, killing and stealing the souls of 50 clerics of Boldrei.
The patriarch: An as yet unnamed cleric of the sovereign host, who had his followers of Boldrei wiped out recently.
Isak: The world's saddest paladin.
Patriarch: I guess since the good party and the evil party are walking along the same street and are working for the same group, I give a nod to them.
Me: Uh, you recognize claire I assume.
Patriarch: Oh right. I shout "You!" And chase after you down the street.
Claire: What? Agh! *Runs away* I didn't do anything!
DM: You keep your holy symbol away from plain site? Why?
Isak: I'm a devout paladin to Boldrei. I'm just not proud of it.
Other campaign:
Lorne: Only surviving character after about 3 total party wipes. Only one not thrown in jail.
Grahams: A redcap. The only one truly guilty of all of the crimes we are accused of that are actually crimes.
The family: A player that has an entire family of grassrunner elves. An entire party of buff casters on its own.
The ranger: An unnamed dwarven ranger that is now furry, horned and has flexible feet. Hereafter refurred to as monkey.
DM: You all can make listen checks as you sleep.
Bard et all: 20 is my highest.
Grahams: 19
Lorne: 26
Monkey: 20
DM: Only Lorne hears this. It's footsteps coming up the stairs.
Lorne: Aww, not this again. I shake as many people as possible and jump out the window.
DM: OoooK. Everyone else, you wake up. By the time you people get it together, you need to roll initiatives, as they will have broken in the door.
Grahams: I follow out the window.
Later:
Lorne: Why do they always know to have people waiting outside the windows? I mean, seriously, how many people jump out the windows of four floor buildings.
DM: All of the time apparantly.
Even more later:
Grahams: OK, first we kidnap a chef and steal his uniform, then in those uniforms we kidnap a butler, and steal his uniform, and we work our way up the chain of command until we can get our stuff out of the prison.
Lorne: Fair enough. I knock a chef out with subdual when I can get one alone.
DM: You find a fat, saggy old man and knock him unconcious, drag him into the sewers and steal his clothes. They don't look like something an individual with an appearance of 33 would wear.
Lorne: Good. Less likely people will recognize me then.
DM: You put it on, and it instantly shrinks about 10 sizes.
Lorne:
More, more later:
By this time, we have established that there are no uniforms for soldiers that fit the monkey, nor are there any that fit the redcap. As such, I figured why not try to do the old escorting the prisoners trick, which we do. Apparantly, people of my fake station cannot bring them all the way to the dungeons, so I hand them over and take all of their stuff, including a judges seal. I also managed to pinch the wardens keys without anyone seeing me. With the keys, I headed off to the equipment room to get our stuff.
Lorne: I sneak into the corridor with the weapons room when the patrols and such have passed, use the keys and slip into the room.
DM: OK. A loud ringing explosion sounds, as you set off a trap.
Lorne:
DM: You have time to grab your sword before you hear the guards. Do you run?
Lorne: I fall to the ground and weep pitifully.
DM: Uh, OK. They ask you what you were doing.
Lorne: I just found the wardens keys, and I also found this sword that the escaped criminal must have dropped and I figured I would put them in the locker and *sob*
DM: How long have you been working here?
Lorne: Since yesterday. I have my papers right here. *sniffle.*
DM: Why don't we have a copy of your papers? We should have a record of these somewhere.
Lorne: I dropped off those papers yesterday as well. I put them in the slot marked "Shredder." He's the director right?
DM: I can't believe you are good enough at this to get away with it. You now are officially a guard.
Even more much more later:
By now, I'm standing guard, since I officially am one, while the rest of the party went to the courts to be tried for our various crimes.
Bard et all are quickly acquited of all charges, since they were basicly innocent.
Grahams on the other hand was given a sentance of 10 years chain gang, since he was a mass murderer, that had been acquited of the charges to a degree (with forged papers.) The dwarf got 5 for drunken behavior.
DM: You two are both found guilty of all charges and are to spend 10 and 5 years in the mines respectively.
Grahams: 10 years? That's how long it's been since you did your wife!
DM: Insolence, 15 years!
Grahams: Hah! It only took me 15 minutes to bang your wife!
Monkey: I'm not being loud!
DM: Order in the court! 50 years and a hundred lashes!
Monkey: I'm sottaly Tober! I drunk was never!
Grahams: a hundred lashes! Kinky! Just like your wife likes it!
DM: His face turns that beautiful shade of purple as he smashes the gavel on the podium and breaks it. He orders you taken out of the court.
Monkey: Will there be beer in prison?
DM: Okay, you are about to enter the tomb that has been converted into living quarters by the friendly necromancer who has disappeared.
PCs: I do - no, I'm - First, I-
DM: Stop. Just stop. Okay, everyone, raise your hands above the table. Drop your pencils. Good.
Psion: What's going on?
DM: Okay. Does anyone have darkvision?
PCs: Uh, no.
DM: At the village, when you were told: 'Get supplies here, they are cheap and there aren't any vending machines in the wilderness,' did any of you...
PCs: What?
DM: Buy TORCHES?
Fighter: I was insane! [He's actually the only one whose excuse is valid.]
Wizard: I was in charge of rations!
Wind Disciple: I was playing the flute to get money.
[Everyone looks at the Psion]
Psion: Hey, I was with the Wind Disciple!
DM: So...none of you have darkvision, none of you bought torches...put your hands in the air again.
[They do]
DM: Do any of you have tinder and flint?
Fighter, Wizard, and Wind Disciple: No
Psion: I just put 'adventuring gear' on my sheet.
DM: I told you to write down in detail what you had!
Wind Disciple: I have a lot of craft skills. Perhaps I could make torches.
Psion: I help. I take 10 and make, um, 25 torches for everybody!
DM: That will take about a week.
Psion: Okay.
DM: You have three days to investigate the disappearance! It took a day to get here and it will take a day to get back!
So, they eventually managed to make a torch for everyone and actually went through the tomb. I will refrain from posting the fighter's comments on how this was 'a ripoff of Mulan' because there were tombs in the adventure.
Me: You find a box of rings, 19 in all, each in the shape of a different animal's head.
Fighter: I put them all on.
Me:
(as I'm trying to figure out how this is going to work)Cleric: Where? you don't have that many... oh god, no.
Naturally, the cleric had more caffine in his system and was still thinking clearly in his manner
Each ring carries the curse of lycanthropy with the animal form being the animal they represent. 19 different animals...
Human Ranger: I think we should smash it!
Dwarven Fighter: 'kay *grabs his axe and hacks a hole into the door*
GM: They probably know that you're here now...
Bard: That was stupid. How much INT do you have?
*both look it up*
Ranger: 10
Fighter: 16
Ranger: Damn, why did you follow my advice with that score?
Fighter: How should I have known that I've got 16 Intelligence?
You probably had to be there.
Each ring carries the curse of lycanthropy with the animal form being the animal they represent. 19 different animals...
Niuhoomanmaorenniichuan, anyone? (Look it up on wiki)
my party was at the ruins of rhest, we had the huge forest giant with us named warklenaw. we also had a master of many forms, warlock, monk, paly, rogue.
the party was battling on top of the town hall. warklenaw was on top of the town hall, my warlock was on the docks battling a lizardfolk. the MoMF was ontop of the town hall as well. the black dragon and the wyrmlord comes.
DM (me): you hear a LOUD screech, the enemies around you all look up and see the black dragon "regiarix" and his rider "wyrmlord saarvith".
MoMF: (pauses for a moment) ...i shape change into an eagle.
(rest of the party continues to fight the enemies).
DM: now what do you do.
MoMF: i fly up and fly right above the dragon and behind the wyrmlord.
DM: (rolls a spot check for the dragon and wyrmlord, and fails), they both dont see you at all and continue flying around and surveying the area.
MoMF: i change into an ape and land ontop of the dragon, right behind the wyrmlord.
DM: alright make a balance check
MoMF: (rolls and succeeds)
DM: you notice that you are falling..........FAST!!!!!
MoMF: i bat the wyrmlord off the dragon and hold on for dear life. (rolls to hit and succeeds)
DM: the wrymlord is falling towards the ground. you naturally hit the ground still on the dragon but you also take damage along with the dragon. (rolls for damage for both)
meanwhile warklenaw sees all this and yells out.
Wark: WELL IF WIEGHT WILL BRING IT DOWN.......MORE WIEGHT WILL KILL IT!!!! (procedes to literally jump off the roof of the town hall and land ontop of the dragon).
everyone laughed so hard
"If you F*** up my subjective gravity I will kill you!"
Each ring carries the curse of lycanthropy with the animal form being the animal they represent. 19 different animals...
Congrats, he's Epic.
DM: They're singing "Welcome to the Hotel California."
An absolute stroke of genius! Beautiful!! :D
From the campaign I'm DMing:
DM: Okay, you are about to enter the tomb that has been converted into living quarters by the friendly necromancer who has disappeared.
PCs: I do - no, I'm - First, I-
DM: Stop. Just stop. Okay, everyone, raise your hands above the table. Drop your pencils. Good.
Psion: What's going on?
DM: Okay. Does anyone have darkvision?
PCs: Uh, no.
DM: At the village, when you were told: 'Get supplies here, they are cheap and there aren't any vending machines in the wilderness,' did any of you...
PCs: What?
DM: Buy TORCHES?
Fighter: I was insane! [He's actually the only one whose excuse is valid.]
Wizard: I was in charge of rations!
Wind Disciple: I was playing the flute to get money.
[Everyone looks at the Psion]
Psion: Hey, I was with the Wind Disciple!
DM: So...none of you have darkvision, none of you bought torches...put your hands in the air again.
[They do]
DM: Do any of you have tinder and flint?
Fighter, Wizard, and Wind Disciple: No
Psion: I just put 'adventuring gear' on my sheet.
DM: I told you to write down in detail what you had!
Wind Disciple: I have a lot of craft skills. Perhaps I could make torches.
Psion: I help. I take 10 and make, um, 25 torches for everybody!
DM: That will take about a week.
Psion: Okay.
DM: You have three days to investigate the disappearance! It took a day to get here and it will take a day to get back!
Hmm... sounds like I've been in this situation... unfortunately, we were quite high level at the time, and in a forested area. I was a sorcerer with a focus on evocation. When someone says "we need a source of light" saying "FIREBALL!" becomes reflex...
The aproach silently to the closed door and hear in the other side "SNIIF SNIFF" and then "MUUUUUUUUUUUUU!"
Ranger: A minotaur! Is charging! Get out of the way!
Barbarian: Quick get in the sides of the passage!!
*The mino destroys the door, gives everyone attacks of opportunity in his way and goes to the end of the passage* *The cleric who was near the door jumps out to cast a spell but then sees what's inside the room....*
cleric: THEY ARE SIX! THEY ARE SIX!!!!!!! *jumps out of the way just before being stomped*
Here's a few from a couple of nights ago.
The party is a rather mixed up crew.
Half-Elf Scout (Keth)
Human Cleric of St. Cuthbert (Pacificus)
I forget Fighter (Makathor)(I think he was a race out of Races of Destiny)
Half-Elf Fighter (Richard)
Halfling Archivist (Zarimval)
Teifling Monk (Darius)(me)
Long story short, we go to a farmer's land to investigate the cause of his cows getting attacked and eaten. After attempting to track some large wolf tracks out into the forrest, we come back to the farmstead ablaze and three not so happy Winter Wolves. We kill one, the others flee and we manage to save the barn but the house is burned to the ground (don't ask me how the Winter Wolves set the buildings on fire, we're still formulating theories).
We decide to bed down in the barn with the livestock and await the return of the owner in the morning. Before we do such we decide to bury the farmhands that the Winter Wolves killed. However, Makathor discovers the ground to be abnormally soft... in the middle of winter...
Zarimval: I roll Knowledge nature.
DM: The only thing that could keep the ground soft would be maybe an underground lava flow.
Zar: Knowledge The Planes.
DM: Um... if you know something... I um...
Zar: Knowledge Religion
DM: Hell could have opened up under the farm
(by this point we're in stitches)
Zar: Knowledge Dungeoneering!
DM: There could be a dungeon underneath with a lot of torches.
Zar: Spellcraft!
DM: Maybe a wizard cast perminancy on a fireball?
Zar: Concentration!
DM: You **** yourself because your thinking so hard.
Zar: Listen Check?
DM: Plop.
Well, things only got worse from there. As we bedded down for the night, Zarimval took watch. Well, we'd heard what sounded like big flapping wings and during Zarimval's watch, he heard a loud SPLAT outside the barn. He wakes us up and we cautiously look outside and see nothing. I creep outside with Richard and we're greeted by a gigantic pile of phecal matter.
Me (deadpanning): That is one big pile of ****.
Pacificus (ooc): I cast Detect Magic.
DM:
WTF!?Makathor (ooc): Maybe the guy it swallowed whole had something on him?
DM: I cant beleive Im running this game. Oh geeze... Yes, theres something magical in it.
Pacificus (ooc): Summon Monster (summons a celestial bear). "I want you to dig a magical item out of there."
DM: "Um... If you want me to kill stuff, I can do that. I got your back, heck I'll bring you coffee, but I WONT go digging through that!"
Pacificus: Hey guys, I found something...
All: OH GOD! LEAVE IT OUTSIDE!
He're where things go from weird to suicidal. At the end of the session we head off a collumn of 42 orcs because Pacificus was under the dilusion that we could reason with them to return the food they took from our village (long backstory on that and this post is long enough). Me being pretty much the only one who could speak Orc had to translate, which led to this gem.
DM: Oog!?
Me(ooc): What does he say?
DM(ooc): He says "What!?"
Pacificus: Tell them that if they don't return the food they shall have to face the wrath of my god. (it was origionally much longer)
Me(ooc): I basically translate that back.
DM(ooc) : No, dude, roleplay it out.
Me: Mogg rog trokk raal...
(laughter ensues and the DM puts his head in his hands)
I'll post more as the weeks continue as I'm sure there'll be more.
There's probably spoilers in here.
Dm: "It's forty feet to the first branch, looks to be about three times that to the first tier of construction."
Me: "Can I just burn the tree down with my wand of burning hands?"
DM: "No."
So we start climbing...our (9 str) druid shows up (15 minutes late.)
DM: "Your wilderness intuition and knowledge guides you to a tree that's too large for the forest around it. You can see Grognor and a lean, tatooed figure scaling the tree."
Dr: "I start climbing."
He fails about three climb checks, and falls to the ground.
Dr: "Can't I just burn the tree down?"
DM: "No. You're a druid. No, you can't. And for that, you don't get your spells today."
...not that he used spells anyway...he's a terrible doo-dad.
_______________
Later on, the dm is reading the room description. He pauses mid sentence, and exclaims, "Whoa, what the heck?!"
Me: "No. No what the heck. What the heck is bad. I ready my wand of burning hands and my mace."
DM: The dragon sways as blood pours from the wounds in his side.
Me and the Spelltheif: Green Dragon is lown on health! Green Dragon needs food badly!
Cookie if you get the reference.
"Adventurers meet Meatwall, Meatwall meet Adventurers."
I never knew a fight with a big wall of meat could be so much fun (has insane HP, good attack, low damage (which increases plut +1 each hit) and a bit of regeneration).
While fighting a Large Green Dragon.
DM: The dragon sways as blood pours from the wounds in his side.
Me and the Spelltheif: Green Dragon is lown on health! Green Dragon needs food badly!
Cookie if you get the reference.
RPG geeks frequently intersect with VG geeks, so yes, many people here are probably familiar with Gauntlet.
Modron: Well done. Take this (pays us monies) and consider yourself friends of the Modrons.
Me (Duskling Umbral Disciple): Modrons have friends now?
Human Abjurant Champion: No. But you can consider yourself one.
Our merry group of adventurers:
LN Aasimar Cleric of Helm
LG Human Paladin of Helm
LN Human Samurai
LG Human Monk
CN Kobold Wizard
TN Human Fighter
... was contracted to inspect why shipments from a gnomish gem mine had stopped coming into town, we made one foray into the mine, got waylaid by Drow (but not before taking down one priestess, one wizard, and three fighters), and decided to retreat and make camp outside during the day. Well, one thing leads to another, and a Goblin warband, led by a Hobgoblin is sitting in the treeline just out of view, we know they're there, and they seem reluctant to attack us so being the good priest that I am, I decide to open up diplomatic negotiations:
Me(Cleric): I'm gonna attempt a diplomacy check to see if I can't settle this peacefully. I walk up to the treeline and *rolls* boom, 24 total.
DM: What did you say to them?
Me: Hello! We know you're out there, care to come out and have a chat? We won't harm you, you have my word as a priest of Helm.
DM: *rolls... ten times, turns pale and frowns* You lucky son of a
...Me: What?
DM: ... there is a rush of air as eight javelins fly in your direction and land strewn about you, notably, one flew directly past your head, another in between your legs, following that, two crossbow bolts dart out of the woods, and bounce harmlessly off of your breastplate.
Me: Holy
... so... I take it that means they don't want to talk?DM: You could say that...
Me: Right then... I remove my flail from my belt and start backing away slowly...
DM: Good idea.
Incidentially, we managed to wipe out all but one of the goblins (who lost use of one leg in the melee), and severely injure/capture/hogtie the Hobgoblin leader...
DM: Alright, you've got him tied down, what do you want to do?
Me: *I sit on his chest, remove my helmet, smile, and ask* Are you ready to negotiate yet?
Suffice it to say, negotiations went smoothly
NPC: "I am Malith the Amazing!"
Krugg: "Ah... but on a scale of 1 to 20, how would you rate your skills as a magician? KRUGG!!!"
The Cast:
Omni: Warlock//Soulknife - no longer human thanks to the tampering of Dume. Has to deal with Lord Thallos, his alter ego, lord of the seventh circle of hell. Has a history of throwing Dume out (first floor) windows for this and other crimes against nature.
Will: Bard//Ninja - Omni's sidekick, he has max ranks in Perform (DJing) and insists demons are weak against being hit by crosses thrown like shuriken. Likes to sneak into villains' lairs at night and play jokes on them.
Dume: Artificer//Archivist. Created Omni by binding Thallos to a human in a style reminiscent of animating golems.
Anti: Warlock//Soulknife/Pyrokineticist - Dume's second monster. He seeks to end all suffering, knowing that suffering is a natural part of life. Has returned from death like five times now. When in human form, he is a really pitiable character. He hates his Mr. Hyde form, and yet he literally suffers a physical addiction to giving Ta-Ammet control. Ta-Ammet has recently gained the ability to force the transformation, preventing any drastic solutions.
Kre-Nahk: Half-fiend Warforged Artificer//Warblade - a bounty hunter from Hell. Although an actual fiend, he was born with severe limitations overcome by his integrated machinery. Of particular interest is TAU (Tactical Advice Unit), a cheeky AI that is apparently always insulting his mother. Comes across as a dim bulb, but is in fact a mechanical genius.
The plot: The breaching of the boundaries of the universe has put holes in the fabric of reality, which are now unraveling. I repeat, the universe is literally unraveling around us. Omni is now very ticked at Dume.
Dume: I know, I know. Out the window. But first, please follow me. [Dume leads Omni up a flight of stairs.] Ok, throw me. I deserve it for this.
Scene 2: A battle with Anti. He has just created a whip of hellfire (unlike the usual hellfire [eldritch] blasts.
Will: That cool.
Anti then snags Omni with the whip.
Omni: Woah! Not cool!
"Screw Kurtulmak, I'm worshippin' Pun-Pun!"
IC:
“Ooooh! How much for this?” Kleethorpes exclaimed pulling a bizarre mauve pointy hat with a floppy brim out of a bin of clothing and placing it reverently upon his bald head.
“Ahhh, that would be a Ladies hat Sir.”
“Nonsense, this hat has elan, flare, majesty! No, this is no Ladies hat, this is a Wizard's hat, namely Kleethorpes the Magnificent's hat! How much?”
“Well five silver pieces, I suppose,” the Shopkeeper appeared a little nonplussed.
“Never! That will not do, a Wizard must possess a hat which espouses the dignity of his position! Such a hat must cost at least five gold coins!”
At this Joss's eyes lit up. “Well Master Kleethorpes we do happen to have some suitable hats, costing, as luck would have it five gold pieces, and more in some cases.”
“Poppycock! I shall simply pay five gold pieces for this hat.”
Moan winced, “got any marbles Jossy? Cause I think we're a few short over on this side of the counter.”
“Pah, you've no sense of style Moan! Look it even has eldritch stars embroidered upon it!”
“That is a daffodil you barmy old bird.”
Kleethorpes frowned, “to those untrained in the arcane arts perhaps. Anyway I rather like daffodils.”
We have Charismatic Hero, Fast Hero, Fast Hero and Fast Hero. Woo! We have also been chased by these "Shadowmen" about every adventure, and they keep evolving.
Shadowmen walk into the storeroom where the party is hiding, one with a large slightly curved conical appendage in place of his right arm:
Charismatic Hero (female): Is that an industrial strength tampon on your arm, or are you really really lonely?
*Other two Shadowmen come up and start beating up said Charismatic Hero*
...Later...
One Shadowmen is killed by one of the Fast Heros, and the body begins a succession of beeping that continues in rapidity. 2nd Fast Hero flees the room and goes out back where there is a car with another Shadowman in it waiting outside.
Fast Hero 2: When you start beeping, do you explode?
*Guy in the Van Shadowman pushes trunk release, showing off his Shadowrottweiler*
*Fast Hero 2 shows how fast he is by running off in the direction opposite the car*
[...]
Good one!
the party spoted a patrol of the ennemy making camp for the night, and they wanted to get the chance to kill the patrol leader in his sleep.
so they move silently, and near the camp spoted a sentinel, whom the ranger wish to dispose of.
so he moves very silently, get the sword up for a quick stroke, when suddenly the LG sword yells "WATCH YOUR BACK!"
the look on the face of the player was priceless! :D
Rogue: I search the door and look at the lock, *rolls high on both checks*
DM: You don't find any traps but it's very securely locked.
The Rogue informs the party at which point the DD pipes up:
DD: I knock on the door.
Rest of the party and DM: You do what?
DD: With my axe. *rolls improved sunder*
Rest: Ah
DM: The girl reaches out to you and hands you a flower and said" im sowwie you daddy died" as this happens an explosion goes off from the crowd and kills everyone instantly as someone blows themself up, you watch as the little girl disintergrates in front of you as her hand touches yours and you are left with a dismembered hand with a flower in it.
Character: I drop the hand and take the flower, I didn't support this war before now but that was the last straw!
DM: You look out as the warforged stands up from the explosion as he says very quickly' i didn't do it!'
“Rogues aren’t made for takin’ blows. They’re made for shankin’ spines.”
“The clouds open up and a bolt of lighting strikes three feet in front of you. You are blind for the next three rounds.”
“I swear to drunk, I am not Obad-Hai.”
“Halflings have their own language?”
“It’s called ‘Tinese’.”
“I wanna see the Halfling in a drinking game.”
“Screw physics, I’m the DM!”
“Rolling a Search Check for women, and I roll a 20.”
“You see three women through the wall.”
“Two of us are trying to figure out XP and two of us are trying to write a song.”
“No one’s going to believe a bounty hunter coerced a Rogue to rob children.”
“I was paying attention.”
“You must have been paying in small bills.”
“You have herpes.”
“Just remember the Paladin’s laying on of hands would not work in this situation.”
“I put on whatever armor and weaponry I can, and I’ll wait an hour. If the swelling isn’t gone in an hour, I’m killing somebody.”
The group ran afoul of a monitor lizard, and due to obstructions in the terrain, the (psychotic) scythe-fighter ended his hurt in the bow-wielding duskblade's line of site. The duskblade's initiative rolls around.
DM:"You can no longer see the lizard, but, instead, you see a large, scythe-wielding manaic."
Fighter: "...that you call friend!"
--------------------------------
Prior to this, the group had been exploring, and the fighter decided he was going to steal everything he could from the poor goblins. He wound up with cheese, dreid meat, and other forms of sundry. While fighting a goblin underboss, the monk was knocked to -4.
Fighter: "I nudge him with my foot to see if he wakes up."
DM: "He doesn't move. He looks like he's bleeding profusely."
Fighter: "I shove handfuls of cheese into his mouth! BE HEALED BY THE POWER OF CHEESE!"
DM: "Well, he's not bleeding anymore, but, he's not breathing, either...good job, you let the monk die."
Fighter: "Well it's not like I could have prevented it! I don't have any ranks in Heal!"
DM: "See the little black box by Heal? The one that denotes that you can use it untrained?"
Fighter: "Well, I'll be damned..."
Fighter: "I nudge him with my foot to see if he wakes up."
DM: "He doesn't move. He looks like he's bleeding profusely."
Fighter: "I shove handfuls of cheese into his mouth! BE HEALED BY THE POWER OF CHEESE!"
DM: "Well, he's not bleeding anymore, but, he's not breathing, either...good job, you let the monk die."
Fighter: "Well it's not like I could have prevented it! I don't have any ranks in Heal!"
DM: "See the little black box by Heal? The one that denotes that you can use it untrained?"
Fighter: "Well, I'll be damned..."
I am sigging that.
It's a low level campaign, and I just flanked a group of 6 kobolds and great cleaved my way through. (I'm a half-dragon fighter)
Me, OOC: "They're brains went from "What the hell?" to "HOLY SH**!" before becoming very gory, albeit pretty, floor ornaments."
The party laughed for about 3 minutes from that one...
Lyr the Changleling rogue was minding her own business, on her way to get out of the rainy night in Sharn. As she walked, disguised as a city guard, she heard footsteps, as of heavy boots striking the stones. Being in shadowy illumination, she tried a Hide check, but got a low roll. Some men came in view, Knights of the Emerald Claw, and they called out,
"Lyr the Changeling?"
Out of reflex, disguised as she was as a human guardsman, she replies,
"Yes?"
After which, there ensued a battle where, at the end, a chaotic neutral character DID jump off a bridge, albeit onto a passing airship.
Rellen Horatio Marn, Paladin of Heronious, stared out over the vast expanse of ocean before him. He was not entirely sure what had compelled him to buy passage aboard the Rapier Wit, he needed time to think, time to collect himself. The Paladin cut a proud figure, even in his despondency, tall, broad shouldered, and leanly muscular, with a powerful chin soft blue eyes and a mane of sandy blond hair. He stood at the prow of the Rapier Wit, watching as the sunset beneath the horizon his head bowed in disarmingly sincere prayer.
“Gods look at him, ready for a bleedin' ball.” Moan remarked nudging his companion and nodding towards the Paladin. The same could not be said for Moan, a small balding fellow dressed in the same set of feculant leathers which had adorned his pudgy frame upon boarding the Rapier Wit three weeks previously in Kilmar, a fact of which his companion was acutely aware.
“Nothing wrong with personal hygiene Moan, you might want to take a leaf out of the God botherer's book. There's a reason I am standing down wind of you.”
“Pah! Just you wait Sorriel luv, get a few years under that belt of yours and you'll come to appreciate a manly wreak like mine.”
“And on that day Moan I ask that you find a Cleric to restore my sanity, or at very least my nasal faculties.”
“Ha, I'll restore your faculties alright you strumpet.”
“Do you even no what you mean by that remark?”
“Nah, but I bet ya five shiners I'll have fun findin' out.”
“Don't count on it.” Sorriel found herself drawn to the Paladin, Rellen, he was polite to a fault, witty – when he was not paying too much attention to his tongue – and immaculately handsome. He also had a capacity for the dramatic which she could not fail to appreciate, there was a song in Rellen Horatio Marn, and she would be the one to sing it.
“You realize you're staring at him again, don't go all Bard on me again Sorriel luv. Why waste your god given potential as a thief?”
“You can't steal a song Moan.”
“Well no you've got me there, but I can steal gold and gold can pay for a whole mess of songs.”
“You Moan, are beyond redemption.”
The little man grinned proudly, “Dang straight!”
Sorriel chuckled despite herself, she had come to find Moan's malodorous presence something of a comfort during the seemingly endless voyage, and he did at least appreciate her songs whilst leering at her. “Well I am going to hit the hammock – that's not an invitation – try not to get into too much trouble okay.”
“Pah, even a man of my ingenuity is hard pressed to find fun on this tub full of dullards.”
“I didn't hear a yes there Moan.” Sorriel said exasperatedly.
The thief grinned broadly.
“Honestly I don't know why I bother, have a good night Moan.” So saying Sorriel made her way below decks, taking a last lingering glance at the Paladin's melancholy vigil.
Moonlight now danced across the water as the Rapier Wit cut its way through the gentile waves. The night watch hurried to their positions, and Captain Smillov emerged from his cabin to survey the decks from beneath the brim of his jauntily positioned wide brimmed hat. Rellen clutched his cloak around him, thankful of the protection it afforded him from the chill of the northern winds and absent mindedly kissed the cool silver of his holy symbol.
“Bet that's not what you'd want to be kissin' if you weren't a celebrate, hey fancy pants.”
The Rellen turned, and smiled down at the poor unfortunate fellow, reminding himself that kindness and patience were due those who Heronious had seen fit to challenge int his life. “I am not chaste Master Moriden, I merely give myself up to a greater and more fulfilling purpose.”
“Pah, I'd rather full fill a nice...” Moan had no idea where the Paladin had managed to discover his last name, it had been more than a decade since he had heard it spoken and its use irked him greatly.
“Not long now before we reach Berick, by midday the Captain tells me!” Rellen interrupted hurriedly, feeling the heat in his cheeks.
“Now come on Paladin, your not supposed to lie – am I right?”
“Indeed for my code prohibits the uttering of an intentional falsehood....”
“S' lovely, s' lovely. Anyway, so can you honestly tell me you've never entertained the thought of entertaining that fine filly of a Bard with your holy sword?” Moan managed to accompany this sentence with a lear which would have made a Succubus blush.
Rellen looked profoundly shocked, “My Sword Sir does the work of Heronious! I would never permit it to be used for anything so cheap and base as entertainment!”
Moan sighed, innuendo had proven ineffective against the Paladin before, it seemed the young lad had lead a rather sheltered life. Still subtlety was not the be all and end all of his extensive repertoire, “Okay then what do you think of Sorriel then Captain Clean?”
“You realize Master Moriden that I would be more than happy to give you some of my soap... And as for Miss Larkstongue, why of course she is lovely, and I pray daily for her safety alongside your own, that of the crew, and the gracious Captain.
“Pah! But d' you like her like a man likes a woman?”
“I respect and admire all of ....”
“Pah, Paladin's!” Moan muttered storming away, and stamping down below deck.
Rellen's eyes glimmered for a moment, and he bit his lip stifling an s****, which would have been highly undignified.
Besides Sorriel's hammock the Wizard Kleethorpes starred intently at the yellowed pages of his spell book, lamenting – not for the first time – its meager contents. At his age most respectable Mages were capable of feats of mind boggling power, not so Kleethorpes the Magnificent. Of course he could never regret marrying Lily, they had been blessed with forty wonderful years together, nearly a dozen offspring, and a veritable legion of Grandchildren. However, he could never remain content in the role of doddering Grandfather, and his hazily remembered arcane trainings had seemed the perfect escape. He recalled his former Master, the Wizard Hoon telling him that travel and exposure to danger provided a route to swifter magical advancement; that and a whim had seen him buy passage aboard the Rapier Wit.
“How goes the study?” Sorriel asked approaching with that consciously feminine swagger which stirred even Kleethrope's withered nethers.
“Oh as usual dumpling, mind boggling secrets of transcendence ever fail to elude my feeble grasp.” With a sigh he closed his spell book, wrapping it tenderly in oilcloth before sealing it in a leather case. His brow furrowed, “Sorriel dear, I don't suppose you have any idea where I put my quill? I swear the blasted thing has a mind of its own, though I wouldn't put it past Stoatly to try an old man's patience....”
Sorriel smiled, she rather liked Kleethorpes, an amiable if slightly addled old fellow, though she suspected he played up his eccentricities to earn her attention. She lent down and plucked the quill from his bushy white beard handing it to him with a wink.
“By the Gods! How did it get there! Come here you cowardly weasel, was this your doing? I'll have no more of these shenanigans! If I find out this was your doing Stoatly that'll be it, no more brunch for you! You'll be on three meals a day!” The Wizard's beard parted revealing a sleek brown weasel – the aforementioned Stoatly – who yawned hugely, gave his Master a wounded look and leapt onto Sorriel's shoulder.
“Quite the little operator, this fellow.” Sorriel chuckled, scratching Stoatly's chin, as the weasel rubbed up against her neck. “I doubt it was Stoatly Kleethorpes, you did put it there yesterday, and the day before that, and well, you do it quite frequently.”
“Hmmm, well if you say so dear. The old memory's not quite what it once was, why I was telling Lily only yesterday..... Oh, well, oh....” Kleethorpes voice trailed away to nothing, and he seemed to shrink, his gray eyes sparkling with moisture. Stoatly sprang back to his Master's shoulder and began to nibble affectionately upon an earlobe, and Kleethorpes' gnarled hand was soon rubbing absent mindedly over his soft coat. The old Wizard swallowed, and smiled sadly, “I'm sorry Sorriel dear, I just, sometimes I forget she's not with me anymore – she was a wonderful woman my Lily, she would have liked you, very much.”
“I'm sorry Klee. Why don't we get you to bed, you'll feel better after a good nights sleep, we should be in Berrick tomorrow, so that's something to look forward to.”
“What? Oh, yes, yes, of course your right Sorriel dear. No more fish for us after tomorrow hey? I'm plum tired of the scaly blighters, give me a good slice of bacon any day.” Kleethorpes graciously allowed Sorriel to help him into his hammock, surreptitiously wiping his eyes. “Sleep well dear, your a nice young girl, and if that young man doesn't reciprocate your affection you send him to me, I'll set him straight!”
“Is it that obvious Klee?” Sorriel moaned, flushing, whilst covering up the old wizard with his blanket. Stoatly nestled contentedly into his beard.
Kleethorpes yawned, his eyes half closed, “Don't you worry dear, he's not got a clue, nice lad but couldn't take a hint if it was gift wrapped.” With that Kleethorpes' eyes closed and he began to snore gentilely.
Sorriel kissed him on the forehead, before retiring to her own hammock, her mind wandering – embarrassingly quickly – to Rellen's guileless smile.
Moan having departed, presumably headed for his hammock, Rellen surveyed the deck, nodding warmly to Captain Smillov.
The Captain nodded in return and approached, “Eager to be done with this voyage I would warrant Master Marn.” He said, smiling that peculiarly infectious smile of his.
“It has been as smooth a voyage as I could ask for Captain, but I must admit I'll be glad to have solid ground beneath my feet again.”
“No harm in that my friend, its not every man who's cut out to be a sailor. So where to from here, if you will excuse my curiosity?”
“I would be happy to tell you Captain, but I'm not sure myself. Heronious will watch over me, and test me as he sees fit.”
“Faith is a fine thing Rellen, but don't let it swallow you, remember you are still a man. There are things besides gods in this world, and even Heronious wouldn't begrudge you a little fun.”
“I'm not sure I follow you Captain.”
“You must know by now that Sorriel has an eye on you boy. She's practically throwing herself at you.”
“Now see here Captain! I will not have you besmirching Miss Larkstongue's good name with your baseless vulgarities.”
“Have it your way Master Marn, but I for one say never look a gift horse in the mouth.” So saying Smillov turned and walked back to his cabin, chuckling.
Rellen watched him go regretfully, wishing he could have asked the Captain's advice. He would never admit it, but few things terrified him more than a pretty girl, and Sorriel was more than pretty. Prayer soothed him somewhat, and thus fortified he made his way back to the hold and his hammock.
The Rapier Wit arrived in Berrick slightly ahead of schedule, a good tail wind having aided her progress through the night. The Wit's four passengers bid her crew farewell, gathered their meager possessions and made their way across the gang plank onto Berrick's bustling dock.
The first thing to greet them was a young boy, wearing a chalk sign board emblazoned with the words “Heward's Handy Haversack: For all your needs magical 'n' mundane”. The young man wore an expression of consummate boredom and rolled his eyes as the group approached.
“Welcome to Berrick, please stop by Heward's Handy Haversack, where the customer comes first..” the boy droned listlessly.
“Gah! Roald, if I have told you once I have told you a thousand times. Enthusiasm! Enthusiasm!” A large gentlemen cried, hurrying across the dock in a garish fur trimmed ensemble, complete with a ludicrous ruff collar. “Gentlemen, my Lady, permit me to introduce your humble servant Joss Hooper, proprietor of Heward's Handy Haversack.” Reaching the group he placed a hand upon Roald's shoulder and took several deep breaths, “You will have to forgive young Roald here, he's a good lad, but not much of a people person. Isn't that right lad?”
Roald shrugged, and as Joss's attention turned back to the group puffed out his cheeks making a near perfect impression of his portly employer's eager red cheeked visage.
Moan s****ed, his eyes dancing from the boy, to Joss's bulging coin purse, to a pair of cufflings with the gold peeling away.
“So what exactly are ye' sellin' Jossy? We've been at sea for long enough that me chief concerns are wine, women, and, well, more women. This ones a tease” he pointed a finger at Sorriel, “'n' I need a lady who's sellin' what she's advertising! Plus me pal Captain Clean here's gonna explode if he doesn't get religious. Bet there're loads of lucky ladies here hurtin'n for a convertin', hey big fella?”
Rellen's brow furrowed, and Sorriel masked a fit of giggles with a cough.
Joss blinked, starring at the small man's grotesquely suggestive leer in appalled silence for a second, before managing, “Well there is the Screamin' Pilchard, Irene runs a great place with reasonable rates, and I think she might have a girl or two willing to, erm, well, you know, ah ha, hmm?”
Sorriel stepped in, giving Moan a kick in the shin as she brushed past him, taking the Shopkeeper by the shoulder, and pulling him with her as she strode towards the shoddy wooden buildings.
“Allow me to introduce myself Master Hooper, I am Sorriel Larkstongue, singer of songs, teller of tales, wanderer and poet. That is Kleethorpes the Magnificent, a great an powerful Wizard. This is Rellen Horatio Marn, Paladin of Heronious, he of the shiniest armor. Oh, and this is Moan. My companions and I have been regrettably short of news on our journey, would you be willing to regail us with the local news? Perhaps as we look over your wares?”
Joss beamed, watching Sorriel with dewy eyed adoration. “Well of course my dear! Delighted to fill you in on the local doings!”
Kleethorpes nudged Rellen in the ribs, “Remarkable girl that one, if I were fifty years younger... Well to be perfectly honest I would be stammering like an idiot and drooling, but you take my meaning.” The old mage cackled, before scurrying after Sorriel.
“Aye come on Ladykiller, you ain't gonna abandon us poor wee defenseless folks are you?” Moan asked, flashing a gap toothed grin at the Paladin.
“Well no of course I could not allow Miss Larkstongue to go unaccompanied in such an unsavory locale.”
“Ha, with any luck I'll be unaccompanied in an unsavory local before night fall.”
“Pardon?”
“He he, don't mind me, I'm a corrupti'n influence.”
“Heronious accepts all who repent Master Moridin, even if your life thus far has fallen short of the ideal there is always time to start over.”
“Oh I'll start over alright.”
“Wonderful,” Rellen unslung his back pack and withdrew a wooden holy symbol depicting two crossed lightening bolts each held by a gloved hand, “here Master Moridin, Heronious embodies the highest virtues, valor, loyalty, honor...”
“Ahhh, no thanks Pally, I've already got three.”
Rellen's eyebrows quirked and he glanced down into his backpack. When he looked up Moan was already past Kleethorpes, his stumpy legs propelling him at a surprising speed. Gritting his teeth Rellen, slung his pack over his shoulder and followed. “A soul redeemed is worth a thousand trials.” He muttered – he did not sound particularly convinced.
Heward's Handy Haversack occupied pride and place in the center of Berrick's meager shopping district, and turned out to be far better cared for than any of the other buildings the group had seen in the port. Joss ushered them inside, revealing row after row of common household items, pots and pans, rope, nets, and at the back of the store behind a solid oak counter weapon racks, and a glass case filled with jewelery and gemstones.
A Dwarf watched them from over the counter, his attention clearly focused upon the scruffy Moan. “Welcome to Heward's folks, waylaid by Joss fresh off the boat were you?”
“Away with you Hrolf, these fine folks want to hear the news and take a look at our reasonably priced, high quality wares.”
Sorriel smiled at Hrolf, who appeared distinctly unimpressed and lifted the counter panel, moving off amongst the shelves.
“Don't mind Hrolf that's just his way, not exactly a people person if you take my meaning. Still he's the best assistant I've ever had, poor fella got banished, but I am sure glad of him.” Joss stepped behind the counter and instantly looked more at home, “Ah, so let me see news was it? Hmmm. Well there's the fishmen, they have been causing a ruckus pilfering from ships and even raiding the goat herds, old Robar's getting some stick for that.”
“Robar?” Asked Rellen, who was examining a grappling hook.
“Robar's what passes for a Priest here in Berrick. Used to be a fine man, but well, glug, glug, glug, I'll say no more. Anyway, Robar gets donations for “Fharlanghn” by curing the Captains crews, blessing the winds, and so on; but with all this thieving going on the Captains are feeling less and less religiously inclined. Word is old Robar is looking for some poor fool to deal with things for him.”
“What exactly are fishmen?” Sorriel inquired.
“Oh you know, those Locothah. We don't usually get them this far north – fishy hey. Ha ha ha, sorry, sorry, just my little joke.”
“Ooooh! How much for this?” Kleethorpes exclaimed pulling a bizarre mauve pointy hat with a floppy brim out of a bin of clothing and placing it reverently upon his bald head.
“Ahhh, that would be a Ladies hat Sir.”
“Nonsense, this hat has elan, flare, majesty! No, this is no Ladies hat, this is a Wizard's hat, namely Kleethorpes the Magnificent's hat! How much?”
“Well five silver pieces, I suppose,” the Shopkeeper appeared a little nonplussed.
“Never! That will not do, a Wizard must possess a hat which espouses the dignity of his position! Such a hat must cost at least five gold coins!”
At this Joss's eyes lit up. “Well Master Kleethorpes we do happen to have some suitable hats, costing, as luck would have it five gold pieces, and more in some cases.”
“Poppycock! I shall simply pay five gold pieces for this hat.”
Moan winced, “got any marbles Jossy? Cause I think we're a few short over on this side of the counter.”
“Pah, you've no sense of style Moan! Look it even has eldritch stars embroidered upon it!”
“That is a daffodil you barmy old bird.”
Kleethorpes frowned, “to those untrained in the arcane arts perhaps. Anyway I rather like daffodils.”
Sorriel had taken this time to sidle over to Rellen, “So what are your plans now Rellen?”
“Oh, well of course I will stay with you Miss Larkstongue. I cannot allow a defenseless maiden, such as yourself, to travel alone in a place like this. I am surprised your family allowed you to undertake such a dangerous journey.”
“Oh, well, that's..... sweet. You...you....holier than thou god bothering pillock!” So saying she slapped the astonished Paladin, and stormed out.
“What did I say?” Rellen asked, still starring after Sorriel with a clear red hand print visible upon his cheek.
“Ah, its probably what you didn't say you great dullard,” replied a smug Moan, clutching a pile of goods, worth approximately four and a half gold pieces, that he had managed to get thrown in “free” with Kleethorpes five gold piece hat.
“But I told her I would protect her...”
Kleethorpes sighed, placing a paternal hand upon Rellen's shoulder, “Look kiddo, she doesn't need protecting. I on the other hand, could use the aide of a strapping lad such as yourself, as it happens I am intending to accompany Miss Larkstongue. Perhaps the three of you could protect me together?”
Rellen frowned, “I think you are less in need of protection than it would appear,” the Paladin declared, smiling.
Kleethorpes cackled, “he can be taught. Appearances can be deceiving laddo.” With that Kleethorpes hurried after Sorriel.
Moan, and Rellen exchanged glances, “I'd be a mite more impressed if he wasn't wearing the hat of eldritch daffodils.” Moan said.
Sorriel had always enjoyed storming out dramatically, it never hurt to keep men in a constant state of anxiety. She shot a covert glance over her shoulder and saw Kleethorpes hurrying after her, looking endearingly batty in his new hat.
“So where are we heading Sorriel dear?”
“Well I need a drink and to eat, I think that's the Inn Joss was talking about over there,” Sorriel said, pointing to a large wooden building with a sign swinging in the breeze.
“Sounds good to me!”
Rellen shook his head and turned back to the Shopkeeper, “So is there anything else of interest happening in these parts Master Hooper?”
“Well a few girls have gone missing, not exactly unusual round here – probably run off with their beaus. That was a couple of months ago mind you. Then there's the adamantine strike up on the Island, attracting the wrong sorts, not that we've got much else in Berrick. Its been a while since we've had any of the miners in, dangerous occupation mining round these parts. Rankle over at Brawlers Bargains has been a mite anxious, says he was supposed to get a load of ore two days ago.”
“Interesting, my thanks Master Hooper you have been most helpful. Heronious's blessing be upon you.”
“Er, and you.” As Rellen left Joss turned to Moan, “Is he for real.”
“I think they insert a holy symbol ******ly when you become a Paladin.”
“Ha, well I guess that would explain a lot.”
Well written Rellen. Keep it up :D
Thanks! I keep meaning to write up some more, but the game is now at level eleven, which is somewhat overwhelming... They are now in a story arch where the alienist Kleethorpes is trying to bring back his wife having heard about a device called the Obsidian Mirror... Lily was eaten by a Barghest, so normal forms of resurrection are out.
cleric-OOC- oh crap this cant be good...
barbarian-IC-roars to the others- " dammit! i need a weapon! ..."
rogue-IC-"we would have weapons and armor AND gold, if you did not chop that halfling in half back in the tavern..thanks to me where actually alive, but from the looks of it, not for long..."
barbarian-IC-"grr...that dam pig looked at me wrong"
wizard-IC-"I...uh...for the last time anything below half your size with 4 limbs does not count as a pig-"
barbarian-IC-"fine...but you do count for something..." he grins wickedly at the gnomish wizard, then bolts to the wizard, knocks him over, grabs him by the legs and say "straighten up dammit!" he then takes the wizards staff and shoves it down the wizards robe, holding him now like a battleaxe, he then charges towards the bear, and continuously beats the bear with the wizard, for a while they go back and forth, the bear clawing at him, him swinging the wizard as a melee weapon-
-the rest of the party starts to attack now, once the bear weakens his shape changes to a farret, and burrows into a small hole, big enough for a halfling-
barbarian-IC- "RWARG!"-he charges at the whole beating it now with the wizard, the wizard now a fewpoints from death, because he did not have enough gold to pay the cleric for heals [disfunctional group much?...]-
barbarian-IC- "I GOT AN IDEA!"- he pulls out a rope ties it too the wizard, and...throws him into the whole...and holds the staff now out of his back, with half the rope attach, like a fishing pole over the whole-
rogue-IC-"maybe...i should just kill him...it would certianly make life a hell of alot simpler"
-the cleric not paying attention IRL at this time is "playing with his bag of holding" which by now has the rotting carkus of a armorsmith in it...no this wasnt an evil campagin, and i know this truely isnt one line, but still...this is only one of the many MANY tale of aimless stupidity of that group the cleric who healed for pay, the barb with 6 int, but acted like -1, the rogue who actually made sense, the melee wizard[never used spells only his staff..not he was not build for a armor caster, he was just a random wizard who meleed...] and the occasional druid who later died of alcohol posioning [the creature they where chasing was the druid who later joined...the "wizard-bait" idea never did work...
Good story, you should start your own thread and do chapters. They have a section of the board for stories. I discovered it a few days ago. My even write something myself.
http://boards1.wizards.com/forumdisplay.php?f=344
DD: I knock on the door.
Rest of the party and DM: You do what?
The two scouting characters in my gaming group went and did that for real a couple of weeks ago while reconning a guard tower in the dark woods they were travelling though on the way to attack a slaver corsair base. They snuck up, listened, heard hobgoblin chatter, looked through the windows, saw chatting hobgoblins, and then just knocked on the door... It was only when the ensuing conversation progressed to "come in while we check your ID" that they realised there might be a problem... :P
“Interesting, my thanks Master Hooper you have been most helpful. Heronious's blessing be upon you.”
“Er, and you.” As Rellen left Joss turned to Moan, “Is he for real.”
“I think they insert a holy symbol ******ly when you become a Paladin.”
“Ha, well I guess that would explain a lot.”
Or, as by Order of the Stick #276:
"But wait, will we have to implant the stick up your ass, or will it grow there once you take the level (of Paladin red.)?"
Dwarf Dragon Shaman, facing 1000 Orcs with his party. "Wait, wait... the prophecy said something about an Army of Darkness I was supposed to lead. What about that?"
I replied "Good of you to let me remember. 20 Shadowvar appear and start helping you."
The Dwarf's player only heard a bit and thought there was only 1 of them. "You call that an army?!"
Me "It's 20 of them."
Dwarf "
"Me "I'm not giving you an encounter-breaking strike force of semi-invisible magical beings made of shadowstuff!"
All right... this little set up made me want to cry, but I thought it was an AMAZING bit of description from one of the guys in our party. Here's what had just happened: The father of the one character in our party had died. Seeing as how the father was the head of the military in this nation, the son has now taken his place. At the funeral, a little girl comes up to him.
DM: The girl reaches out to you and hands you a flower and said" im sowwie you daddy died" as this happens an explosion goes off from the crowd and kills everyone instantly as someone blows themself up, you watch as the little girl disintergrates in front of you as her hand touches yours and you are left with a dismembered hand with a flower in it.
Character: I drop the hand and take the flower, I didn't support this war before now but that was the last straw!
DM: You look out as the warforged stands up from the explosion as he says very quickly' i didn't do it!'
Oh my god, that's so sad. You have a great DM.
Or, as by Order of the Stick #276:
"But wait, will we have to implant the stick up your ass, or will it grow there once you take the level (of Paladin red.)?"
Dead on! Yep, actually the entire group reads the weeks order of the stick before our friday game. All credit to the godly Giant!
Me: Mortimer Thunderfist, Dwarven Barbarian
Situation: Critical, dwarven city is being overrun by Drow and the main preistess leading the invasion has just transformed into a Draegoloth (???). We are holed up in citidal on a hill.
Mortimer: *puts on a helmet with a spike on it* Alright lads, toss me at tha witch!
Party: ?!?!?! What?!?!
Mortimer: Ye heard me lads, doit, im gonna bury me axe in her!
---After a little argument and what-not, Mortimer is loaded up in sling/catapult/balitsta-thing (i forget)---
Mortimer: *gets launched at preistess/Draegoloth* Hey you! MORADIN SENDS HIS REGARDS!!!
---Later on the Draegoloth broke through with my Dwarven corpse in it's hands, but she got f*cked up in the proccess, DM ruled she was at a fraction of her hp---
Mortimer, the most bad-ass Dwarf I've ever created...
Werelion: WTF?!
Barbarian: I pull on the handle.
Which of course... worked.
The party consists of 3 players, not one with more than 11 Cha. The CG wizard, having that 11 Cha, decides to take a hand in being the party face for once.
Wizard: Alright, follow my lead on this one. I have a plan.
Monk: You sure you know what you're doing? This place doesn't sound terribly safe.
Rogue: Just don't let them know we're not from around here and we'll be fine.
We enter a store selling weapons and armor....
Wizard: Now listen here! I demand to see your finest wares, and I won't take no for an answer!
Female Merchant: Um, certainly sir, but you needn't...
Wizard: No lip from you madam! I'll have you know I ate 4 babies this morning, and I'm only mildly satisfied!
Rogue (OOC): Tell me you're not actually saying that
Female Merchant: I...I don't think I understand sir....
Wizard: In fact, the entire town of Elspire is devoid of virgins, after I passed through yesterday! And that was because I was feeling generous enough to let them live! *winks at us*
Monk:
Female Merchant: I....please.... don't hurt me...
Wizard (OOC): For a demon worshipping blackhearted monster she's pretty tame. What gives?
Turns out that Diaz was the god of mercy and compassion but was considered a rival presence by the leaders of the Gabriel church.
Actually, that battle had a funny moment.
One orc turns and begins to run, passing it's captain.
Captain Orc: RAAAG! *smashes the fleeing orc's head in* Keep fighting!
Anyway, I'll try to sum this up as best I can. Basically, because we knew that the destruction of this troop of orcs would only bring down more from the main city where the orcs subjugate the land from, we decided to seek... unconventional help... from a red dragon.
We barganed for the red dragon's aide and well... we'd made a joke about appeasing him with the Keth, the half-elf Scout, by dressing her up as a maiden. This session:
DM (As the Dragon): I have seen a half-elf woman wandering the forest. I'd like to meet her. (His demand for helping us)
Keth:
Well, Keth wasnt there for the negotiations, she was back at the town, and as you can imagine, she wasnt keen on the idea and fled town. Rather than try to track a Scout in the wilderness, we came up with the brilliant idea to subsitute her with another woman and make her look like Keth. We go back to the Red Dragon's lair. Some of the party goes in, me and Mak (see my previous post) wait outside. Oh, at this point we've picked up a Half-Gold-Dragon Monk, who helped out a lot in the orc fight.
While we wait, the Dragon, who was apparently out for a midday flight, returns. Im assuming this Red Dragon was in the Adult age catagory.
Me (stammering and pointing to the cave): Um... um... th-theyre... inside...
Dragon looks at me: BOO!
I roll a 2 on my Will save and bolt into the woods. Mak, on the otherhand, gets 20+
DM turns to the remaining trio: You hear heavy footsteps approaching.
Half Dragon (ooc): Um... I make a.... um.... a get the **** out of here check!
Those were pretty much the highlights of this session
DM turns to the remaining trio: You hear heavy footsteps approaching.
Half Dragon (ooc): Um... I make a.... um.... a get the **** out of here check!
Haha, amazing :D
I was stumbling through an adventure my friend was running. I was my mute bard, his sister, a gnome cleric of nature or something. A running gag ensued where we both referred to her as a halfling; she got fed up with it shortly after it started.
Gnome, OOC: "Guys, I'm a GNOME!"
Me, OOC: "Well, two gnomes and two quarters don't equal a dollar!!"
Rest of Party:
I love freaking people out with Changeling gender-switching ability. Come to think of it, I just love freaking people out, so here you go.
DM - You see the gnoll you're looking for at the other end of the tent. Beside him is a female gnoll offering him -
More or less all of us - We don't need to know what she's offering him, thanks.
One of our characters is a psion with some sort of energy burst power. My char, Ringo, was with him when initiative was rolled.
DM - There are gnolls running hither and thither all around.
Shikee the Psion - Sure, but what else is within forty feet?
Ringo - I think the pertinent question is, is *Ringo* within forty feet?
Shikee got tripped, and detonated ahead of schedule. Ringo caught enough of the blast to leave him with 14 hp. Just at that moment, the thri-kreen Quadra decided to enter the tent with one blind jump. The DM rolled more or less randomly, and determined that Ringo was right under Quadra upon landing. The falling mantis warrior did 15 damage, nonlethal because the DM was feeling kind. Still, he was out like a light.
Me - As Ringo lies bleeding on the floor, he makes a Craft Wounds check untrained. The blood forms the words, 'Get off me.'
Quadra's player tried to go for a Healing check, but to no avail. As I explained - 'I'm not below 0 hit points, I'm just subdued into unconsciousness.'
Our fearless leader, Jane, had an odd affection for debilitating grenade-style attacks. She decided to cover our retreat by lobbing a handful of pepper into the tent from behind a low wall. Rolled a 1. The pepper hit the wall and exploded around our own team.
DM - The pepper fills the air around you in a choking cloud. Any choice words for your friend?
Jane, frustrated, started throwing various fire missiles into the crowd of gnolls - who, as it turned out, were friendlies. (Remember how I said our reason for infiltrating them was inadequate?)
Various party members - Yaaaay! Jane's killing people again! ...oh wait, that's bad! Booooooo!
Major party members:
Krognac: Large Sized Orc with very large strength and classic orcish speach problems.
Gil: Human Cleric, doesnt exactly get along to well with Krognac.
Situation: Running from a town that has fallen into chaos as powerful beings wage war over the rights to control the party and the destony of the world, you know, the ussual game.
As they are running from the town a giant Red Dragon flies over head, prompting the following:
Gil: "Look! It's a dragon!"
Krognac: "No, that rock lizard."
G: "Notice the thing above your head? THAT, is a dragon!"
K: "No! Dat BIG rock lizard!"
G: "NO! It breaths fire so it must be a dragon!"!"
K: "No, dat jus freaky rock lizard."
G: "NO! DRAGON!"
K: "Human tink he know anyting. 'Look at me with big brain!' Tch, cant even swing ax. What you be without ax?"
Later as the party was hiding in a forest, Krognacs player decided to kick a tree in frustration...and a baby rust monster fell out. Krognac decided that he liked it, and placed it on his head as a 'hat'.
Gil: "Um, do you realize that there is a monster on your head, and that its chewing on your hair?"
Krognac: "Monster? This is bug. It name George."
G: "Bug?! Its not a bug, its an abberition!"
K: "No, it bug. Look,
it have hard body,
it has feeling tingies,
K: "Human so smart, dont even know bug when he sees it."
And a bit later, as the party sits about a campfire.
Gil : "Why have you been so mean to me lately? You have been irratable, could you have stressed your brain back at the city?"
Krognac: "Dat, or dis could also be a thinly veiled attempt to make fun of people who see and propagate racism in the world. But then again, I'm an orc, and I'm not that complex."
More to come later.
in the middle of a big plot twist...
"I wonder if I could blow that up"
"I'm detached"
From a game that I DM:
Major party members:
Krognac: Large Sized Orc with very large strength and classic orcish speach problems.
Gil: Human Cleric, doesnt exactly get along to well with Krognac.
Situation: Running from a town that has fallen into chaos as powerful beings wage war over the rights to control the party and the destony of the world, you know, the ussual game.
As they are running from the town a giant Red Dragon flies over head, prompting the following:
Gil: "Look! It's a dragon!"
Krognac: "No, that rock lizard."
G: "Notice the thing above your head? THAT, is a dragon!"
K: "No! Dat BIG rock lizard!"
G: "NO! It breaths fire so it must be a dragon!"!"
K: "No, dat jus freaky rock lizard."
G: "NO! DRAGON!"
K: "Human tink he know anyting. 'Look at me with big brain!' Tch, cant even swing ax. What you be without ax?"
Later as the party was hiding in a forest, Krognacs player decided to kick a tree in frustration...and a baby rust monster fell out. Krognac decided that he liked it, and placed it on his head as a 'hat'.
Gil: "Um, do you realize that there is a monster on your head, and that its chewing on your hair?"
Krognac: "Monster? This is bug. It name George."
G: "Bug?! Its not a bug, its an abberition!"
K: "No, it bug. Look,
it have hard body,
it has feeling tingies,
K: "Human so smart, dont even know bug when he sees it."
And a bit later, as the party sits about a campfire.
Gil : "Why have you been so mean to me lately? You have been irratable, could you have stressed your brain back at the city?"
Krognac: "Dat, or dis could also be a thinly veiled attempt to make fun of people who see and propagate racism in the world. But then again, I'm an orc, and I'm not that complex."
More to come later.
I hereby want to cast Summon Rieckel for this group! *casts Summon Rieckel*
Sounds like the Pwent.
"So, do they teach this language in school?
We were playing in a lvl 1 game as a break from several sessions of epic characters than can crack a planet open but take an hour to go through a round. The DM made us all start as rogues in a kind of street-gang, so we were poor and had half starting gold. There were 8 characters, but the important ones to the story are a fire giant (taking monster levels so he's only Large right now), a halfling, and a female human. The player of the female human is a guy, and is pretty dumb, so she ends up being a prostitute since that was very common.
We were sitting around a table in a tavern, joking around having fun with drink orders and such. The girl starts making her rounds, looking for a customer for the night. She finds three guys that are willing (together), but the player made a mistake with pricing and tries to walk away. The "leader" of the three guys smacks her and says
Man: "wh0re"
Halfling, who heard it: "She's a girl not your mom"
The table erupts in laughter, both in game and out.
The Giant leans over and says drunkenly, with a Russian accent: "Hey, his mom is pretty good"
'Vampires have so many weaknesses you cant help but kill them'
'only a god could have survived that!'
The paladin, still in character, mentions "roll a knowledge (nature) check, you don't wanna cut off his twig and manberries". That prompted an interesting response from the ent, the callari druids, and the rest of the party. That was quoted incesantly that year in our gaming group. Anytime that paladin, now epic level, walks into Radlebb, he still gets heckled by the druids of that order. "Hey, twig and manberries!". Priceless.
DM: As the evil druid's body slides of the end of your bloody sword, the evil looking tree behind you explodes. Everyone make a save:
Druid: I failed.
Cleric: I passed.
Beguiler: I failed.
Wizard: I failed.
DM: (Rolls 6d6) OK if you failed your save, then you take 24 points of damage, if you passed it you take 12, as the tree detonates in a firey burst, throwing you to the ground.
Druid: I'm dead
Cleric: I'm not getting up any time soon.
Beguiler: I'm extra crispy toasty dead.
Wizard: Like, you are kiddin right?
DM: WTF? Dead? Hang on, I thought you had more hit points than that?
Druid: Well, we might have if we hadn't spent the last two hours entangled, beaten, burnt and enjoying other HP reducing pleasures.
DM: Oh, dear.
Cleric: Oh my god. We've been TPKed by the stupid monster...
At this point the hilarity of the situation kicked in and we nearly died laughing. Ultimately we left the party dead, as it just seemed a better ending to the adventure that way!
My werebear bites of the head of the captain of the kings guard in a fit of rage, on which the party sorceress replies:
"Breath mint, Bowen?"
Greetings, Bowen Silverclaw.
I especially like Krogna :D
Druid: (to DM) can I have my hawk(familiar) fly over someone and take a dump on their head?
DM(me):
Um, no. If you really want her to be able to do that then you need to teach it to her as a trick.Druid: (to DM) Oh, screw that then.
DM(me): By the way, your hawk just took a dump on your shoulder.
Druid:
Everyone Else:
And we prided ourselves on not being meta-gamey. I found it hilarious anyway.
Qui'elle Kessari (me): LG kalashtar soulknife. Has quite a few contacts. Most of them think he's a changeling rogue. And he didn't start that rumor.
(nameless) d'Vadalis: LN dragonmarked sorceress. Between spell-like abilities and Dragonmarked Summoning, she's the best summoner I've ever seen.
Kitty: nameless's familiar, a cat. Ok, so she's terrible with names. Don't attack her for that. OOC she's my best friend (and hopefully one day more).
Mushu: CN spiked chain fighter. Borderline CE. Claims to be a Budhist. Sometimes possessed by his spiked chain (that sounds like Julius Caesar), which seeks to restore many of its long-lost magical powers.
The scene: We're dealing with House Phiarlan, and Qui'elle has some contacts there (don't worry, I listed my contacts during character creation and had them approved). Qui'elle describes how on the opening night of Phiarlan's Fall of Vol (roughly equiv. to Romeo and Juliet), their actor playing Emerald Claw was detained (no one explains exactly how). Qui'elle ended up helping said actor arrive in time. In gratitude, they found a minor role for him to play.
Qui'elle: (clears throat and starts a Shakespearian actor routine)
"For service granted, I did earn a role
In that famous play, The Fall of Vol."
Pretty good for an improvised rhyme. That's actually all I have right now. I'm suffering D&D withdrawal.
By summoning of Black Kitten (which took awhile since my name was spelled wrong but here I am!) and after reading the petitioned post I do hereby declare Doklahar and his crew...
I especially like Krogna :D
It's true that you do not gain literacy from levels in Barbarian, but it's not good for your literacy either, i understand. Now, shoo and go on adventures of which you can report back to make us laugh! *shoo shoo*
So anyway, eventually (after taking hits from the rest of the crew) the dragon decided to make a break for it; he'd lost over half his hit points at that point, most of this to a dwarf with a melee weapon. He knocked out the elf who had just shot him, then polymorphed to full size and started to fly away. Durok pulled out his Grappling Tether, which is basically a hand-held tractor beam. He snagged the dragon, then reeled himself in so he was hanging about ten feet under it. Dragons have high Defense, so I asked the GM if there was any place that didn't have as great a Defense. He said, "Yes, but you'd have to be a sick, twisted individual to shoot him there."
So I shot him there.
It hurt.
A lot.
My character's next comment? "Surrender now, or the other one gets it!"
:D
GM: The Pirate Captain opens the door and appears half dressed, you can see some half clothed women chained to his bed. He looks at you with distain.
Forlorn Calm: Captain, we’ve been nothing but hospitable to you since our arrival. You repay us by searching our speeder.
GM: I don’t know what you’re taking about, but I’ll look into immediately. What are you going to do with this man you’ve captured?
Forlorn Calm: Enough of your pansy fibble dribble. *Discharges heavy blaster into the head of wounded pirate captive*
GM:
All: We all have a good laugh about “Pansy fibble dribble”
-------------------------------------------------------
Recently, my BBEG (a Rak'shasa Barbarian/Rage Mage) has moved within the walls of the castle where my party resides, using the name Robert (party calls him Bob). The fact that he's evil is unknown to the party thanks to the Undetectable Alignment spell. Some of the players are aware of who/what he is, but are good about keeping player knowledge and character knowledge separate.
Scenario 1
Our Rogue/Ranger snuck into Bob's house using Pass Without Trace, and stole his journal (the party was suspicious because of the extravagance of his house). She brought it to the keep to look through it, but couldn't read the language inside (i think her languages were common, elven, sylvan and draconic). She used some sort of charcoal trick to copy a page from his journal and returned the journal to his home, leaving the copy on her bed. Shortly after, the party was called out to a quick encounter, when they returned they got the party wizard to use Decipher Script to try to read the page, which he stated was written in Elven.
"If you're going to steal my property, please have the intelligence to hide it better when you leave. ~Yours, Robert K.A."
Scenario 2
Bob is talking to the party's soulknife, Dante, about the wolves of the party (one is a familiar the other is PC).
Bob: I don't care much for dogs, what about you?
Dante: *shrugs* They don't bother me.
Bob: I'm more of a cat person myself.
Scenario 3
Bob was slightly intoxicated from some dwarven liquor he'd had. He turned his head and looked over his shoulder where all he could see was his shoulder, his sword and the wall behind him.
Bob: Shut up!
Dante: *sees this and goes over to investigate* Excuse me, who were you just talking to?
Bob: Oh, uh~, it's just the pink elephant sort of thing, you know how it is. (Bluff check, natural 1 (our rule is -10 to the check) resulting in a 14).
Dante (Sense Motive check.. 13): Oh, alright, I'll let you be.
Reaction of one of my PCs: "Yeap, food really costs an arm and a leg these days"
MU - I'll cast fireball on him
DM - You sure??
MU - Yep, roast the B******
DM - okay, make a save vs spells
MU - Why me??
DM - You're in a ten by ten room...
We put what was left in a wooden box.:D :D :D
Ranger: "... And they taught me how to hunt and fish ... respect for the woodlands ... taught me the use of my fine ancestral sword ... etc ... Did I say I was raised by elves? ... And they set me on my path ... So you see, I am just as good as an elf."
Mage: * turning my head slowly to purposefully glare at the character's player and delivering in an icy tone * "You, sir, most assuredly are NOT!"
(Brought a jaw-dropping stunned silence from him - he was a king after all - and guffaws from the rest of the party around the table.)
DM: Alright, make a bullrush attempt, I guess.
Me: Alright, I charge and I get a -roll- 19, plus 3 for Strength, +4 for Imp. Bullrush, and +2 for charging for a...28.
Other Fighter: I guess I get a -adds numbers- 18
DM: Sounds like an assist action to me. Ok, so a 30 strength check against the constructs -rolls-. -deadpan- 5.
Favored Soul: OK, way to go geniuses, you just pushed a statue made of LAVA into a river of LAVA. Congratulations on killing us all. Dumb Fighters!
DM: OK, the statue falls into the lava. A minute later two gigantic hands come out of the river, followed by a much larger statue who more or less tells you that you passed.
Me: Nifty. Goes to show that sometimes a bit of battle control goes a long way. But what do I know, I'm just a dumb Fighter.
"You know, money is the source of all life's problems. People steal it (no one I know), people get put in debt for it (again, no one I know) (Lyr is in debt to the Kundarak bank for something like 20,000 gp, for airship theft. Again, I forgot, and she wound up being rescued from the Emerald Claw assassins by a Kundarak treasure galleon airship), and people try to kill other people for it."
And the rest of the tavern laughed at her and said,
"Lad can't hold his ale!" and then they promptly keeled over.
Gort: Arrogant Xeph Soulknife who speaks in third person.
Elwyis: Elf Rogue
Annah: Elf Ranger
Kama: Oh dear, this sun will burn my fair complexion... but how can I cover my face with sun screen?
Gort: So your face is either burned or covered? Both work for Gort.
We were attacked by a bunch of Hobgoblins. Gort collected the hobgoblin corpses and piled them up, and slept on them. Then, during the night, a storm started.
Gort: Storm God! Hear Gort! Gort offers Gort's slain foes as tribute for Gort's safe passage! Gort suggests you take this deal, because if you test Gort, Gort will slay you and take your power for Gort's own!
When the group survived the storm, Gort smugly told them they had Gort to thank.
Fiona (Half-Song Dragon FreedomPal4/Rogue3): What the heck's a djinni?
NPC: You know the "rub-the-lamp" kind of genie? These are a step below them on the totem pole.
Fiona: Oh. So they're the Christina Aguilera version?
Player 2: " Yeah and don't forget the Large Elemental Pairs come with small spheres"
Player 1: "Isn't anyone else curious as to why?"
DM: "If I told you the rooms in this place smell like some sort of unholy elemental mating has been going on, would that shut you up?
Players: "Unholy..... Elemental..... Mating......Uh Yeah we'll shut up and play now."
I ran the Rappan Athuk dungeon at a convention a few weeks back. The party had just entered a room on the first level with three latrines, one with a porcelain seat on it.
Male Gnome Rogue: I use the latrine!
I got this far and burst out laughing, because (a) I own the Rappan Athuk dungeon and (b) a friend of ours ran some adventures in it. So I knew exactly what he'd done.
That thing's unkillable. Necromancer Games issued errata when someone found a genuine weakness - for green slime, iirc.
We had to lure it away from its lair because we wanted what was hidden underneath - the DM had sited the first part of the Rod of Seven Parts there. So we ran from the smell...
HUman PAli: All the money for the barbarian goes to me.
BArbarian Player: YEs!!!!!
Everyone:...
Barbarian Player: wait,
DM: Too late.
-blurted out by my mildly overprotective Scout the first time he saw his younger sister wearing a fairly low-cut dress.
Great lines, but why was Stacey telegraphing her intent to take the noble's purse? Or if she wasn't telling the other PCs in character, how did they know she was going to do it?
I smell a 'player knowledge' infraction...
Stacey felt it important to tell the group "I'll be right back, that merchant seems to need help carrying all that gold."
Stacey felt it important to tell the group "I'll be right back, that merchant seems to need help carrying all that gold."
That was fairly silly, yes...
characters:
duskblade (me)
sorceress (n00b, first time playing)
wizard (good player)
dragon shaman (actually a very experienced player)
druid (also n00b)
the situation is, the charaters r in a small room, and are being shot on by drow from arrow slots in the walls. weve been killing them by sending spells back throught the arrow holes
dragon shaman: agh this is taking too long.....so theres a door on the other side of the room, right?
DM: yeah...
dragon shaman: i run up to it and open it
DM: alright, well u see four more drow soldiers getting ready to fight, having heard the battle. the room is L-shaped, blah,blah. you can see a gong in the room, one of the drow is beginning to move towards it.
dragon shaman: i throw a rock at it
everyone else:
the gong summoned every guard in the damn place
later that same battle....
everyone except for me and the druid are unconsious. so we grab everyone and run away...except the dragon shaman
he wakes up to find himself chained hand and foot to the wall in a small room, with drow guards outside
he decides that hes going to use his breath waepon on the chains
so he gets through one chain, then is found out, and gets sleep cast on him
he wakes up again to find himself rechained, with a restraint so he can only look straight ahead
dragon shaman
out of character) ok, so im going to.....the drow outside the door: i havent gotten laid in weeks. if u try anything like that agian, im going to use you as my woman
The rogue needed to speak to his lawyer and goes to The Hot Spot, a tavrn/club which he owns, that the party tends to hang out at in the city even from the first campaign with different characters.
rogue: Hey, is my lawyer here?
bartender: No.
rogue: Where is he?
bartender: At your guild.
rogue: This is my guild.
bartender: No, this is just a club, a front for your guild.
rogue: Where's my guild?
Let's say I'm "a bit" older than 22. In our current campaign, almost all of us are playing the children of our previous characters. (See rogue story above.) I'm playing the 15 year old son of my cleric, a warlock with 18 Charisma. As the campaign progresses I acquire a snake. He's not really a snake but rather something called an Hisshapen, the last of his kind from long ago. My character has a family blood bond with him, as was revealed from the end of our last campaign. My warlock also has the Fey Heritage feats to reflect his Fey source for magic. Also revealed last campaign, the first dryad of the world was an ancestor. As a special effect of the Feats, fey creatures only I can see also accompany me. They are named after the Stooges. Since I currently have three Fey feats, they are Moe, Larry, and Curly. Shemp I'll get at 6th level and Joe at 9th.
For our game session just before last Halloween, I proposed we play in costume to make it like a Halloween party. Everyone quickly said "no". Then came Purim, a Jewish holiday where part of the tradition is also to dress up in costumes. Since we'd be playing on Purim, the other Jewish player jokingly asked if we should play in costume. I responded:
"Pretending to be a handsome 15 year old boy invoking magic running around with fairies and a snake is about all the dressing up for Purim I can handle."
Well, I think it's funny. :embarrass
"Pretending to be a handsome 15 year old boy invoking magic running around with fairies and a snake is about all the dressing up for Purim I can handle."
Well, I think it's funny. :embarrass
You aren't the only one who does.
From the player of a cleric of Wee Jas who is notorious for stabilizing characters at -10, to me, the player of the rogue (Unconscious, and bleeding):
"You've got your "Second Wind" card, right?"
Me: "Yes"
From the cleric: "Don't worry, I've got the rogue covered"
The Cleric of Wenta healed me at the end of the combat.
SF: Don't worry, I know a place we can go. The YMFA.
Marshal: Here read this.
Girl: What, why?
Marshal: If you can read this then you have PC classes and are an asset. If you can't, you likely only have NPC classes and are a liability.
Dm: Me. Second time DMing.
lvl 1 Rogue: Can't remember his name.
Lvl 1 DMPC Artificer: Played by me because we had so few people.
Lvl 1 cleric of Bolderi: Played by my sister, first time ever playing DND.
Before the game:
Cleric: *picks up mini* Aww, whats this?
Me: That's a celestial dire badger.
Cleric: IT'S SO CUTE!!
During the game
Forgotten forge module. We are fighting the warforged barbarian, and neither of us is hitting each other. It comes to the cleric's turn.
Cleric: Can I summon the badger?
Me: *checks her spells* Sure, but it won't be dire.
Cleric: Yay! I summon the cute badger! *Places the CDB mini on map*
Different session:
a lvl 5 sorcerer (Me) and a level 5 rogue are facing a group of lizardfolk.
Dm: The lizardfolk ready their weapons-
At this moment, my cat walks across the map, stepping on the coins we are using to signify the lizardfolk.
Dm: *rolls a few dice* and are crushed by a mysterious cat paw that comes out of nowhere.
Sor: Okayyy...whatever works, I guess.
Then there was the time my cousin was going to bring his DND stuff over so we could play.
But he forgot the minis. And the dice. And the MM. and the adventure he had prepared.
We made and adventure using a lizardfolk stat block we had scraped off the internet (neither of knew about the SRD), and used coins for minis and for dice. (flipped a whole bunch at once, however many came up heads, that's what was "rolled")
Wedpap - Kobold Druid/Master of Many Forms who spends most of his time in Cave Troll form
A half-dragon dragon shaman
Halfling Rogue
Half Elven TWF Ranger
Pixie Favored Soul
The party was around level 9 or 10 at this point...
We were tracking a cleric who had betrayed us to her stronghold under a bar. We go through the sewers, and end up in a room that was about 20ftx50ft and about 20 ft tall. The only thing we saw in the room was a huge iron door.
Rogue: I check for traps *rolls...rather low*
DM: No traps.
Me: I charge the door! *makes str check*
DM: You run full tilt into the door...which doesn't open. Roll a flex save.
Me: ??? *rolls low*
DM: The 3000 lb iron door falls on you, revealing a stone wall behind it. Take 18 damage
Me(in character): Ouchie...that door hurt me!
Incidently, I set off the trap that let a black pudding loose in the room, and then a couple guards from one room. We also made enough noise to draw a few guards from what we would later discover is the barracks.
The guards from the barracks came through a hallway that ran parallel to the room, seperated by a 5 ft thick wall of stone, with a secret door that let them into our room. Our dragon shaman went to engage them, and got in the way so I couldn't do much to them. Then I got an idea!
Me: I pick up the door and throw it at the wall between me and them.
DM: O.O You do WHAT?
Me: I throw your 3000lb door at the stone wall.
DM: Rolls...rolls...rolls. They are all dead. And you make a LOT of noise as that entire wall collapses.
ME(in character): I like this door now!
We proceeded to the barracks, who were all aware we were coming and had done their best to set up defenses. I proceeded to kill about half of them with my door, while the rest of the party took out the remainder.
Before the game:
Cleric: *picks up mini* Aww, whats this?
Me: That's a celestial dire badger.
Cleric: IT'S SO CUTE!!
Cherish the memory. Trust me! Recall these rare moments and lodge them in your brain in such a way a sphere of annahilation can't get it away.
Anyway...
PC: *to BBEG* Your time has come to die! You will pay the price for your evil deeds!
*BBEG gets beaten into a bloody pulp*
PC: *flips coin on corpse* And your change, have a good day! ( "En de bon", which is Dutch)
(Mind you, I'm actually shouting and screaming through all of the parts where I'm not talking; I'm trying to get the PC's to kill the insane orc out of pure frustration, even if they refuse to believe that it is, in fact, insane.)
Me: "The orc keeps on screaming and screaming, while trying to grab at you despite its chains and its cell."
Warlock: "Tell it to shut up!"
Fighter: "Shut up!"
Me: "It keeps shouting and screaming."
Rogue: "Maybe it doesn't know Common." *In orcish* "Shut up!"
Me: "It keeps shouting and screaming."
Theurge: "Hm. Maybe it's illiterate."
*Everyone else looks at him with an Are-you-stupid glare*
Cast: Militia the Warforged (nicknamed Aimless the Nameless, warforged fighter who doesn't like fighting.)
Lyr (changeling rogue)
(DMPC) Loressin d'Orien (wizard/cleric of Aureon, major knowledge freak)
Loressin got knocked out during the third round of a fight with some members of the Emerald Claw and barely survived (forgot about stabilizing action points) and, upon his recovery, thanked Lyr and Militia.
Loressin- "Without you, I surely would have been slain! I owe you both my life!"
Lyr- *evil grin*
Loressin- "Ah. That's why my mother told me never to owe a life debt to a changeling."
LAter, when he had spoken at length about the Emerald Claw and their history:
Lyr- You talk a lot...
Loressin- I'm educated.
Lyr- I hate educated people.
Loressin- Okay, not educated, more... Bookish.
Then, a little bit later, when he was talking about the Dragonmarked houses:
Lyr- You talk too much.
Loressin- I know too much.
Further on, we were trying to gain access to the Sivis archives to see a will that a complete stranger left to us. The gnome at the desk had to go get a senior clerk to let us in, and he was taking his time in getting even out of the room.
Lyr: "Go on, move along!"
Clerk moves even more slowly.
Lyr: "Come on, move it shorty!"
Militia: "That wasn't a good move."
And indeed it wasn't. The gnome left them waiting an hour; ten minutes in RL.
Finally, we got to read the will. Lyr glanced over the legal mumbo jumbo, and, there being a suggestion enchantment for those who weren't supposed to read it, the gnome clerk said,
"Well, it looks like you really are Lyr. Please, let the next heir read it."
Lyr- "How do you know I read it? What if I just looked to one side and didn't read it, thus proving your security fallible?"
Gnome: ...
I cannot find this for the life of me and its making me sad
Did anyone here save that or bookmarked it because I'm starting to pull out my hair... I knew that I should have saved it when I saw it.....
Edit:
Found it
http://boards1.wizards.com/showthread.php?t=395400
Me ooc: Its a sad day when the scorcer outshines the fighter in hand to hand combat
"Hey! Put those away before someone sees them!"
-blurted out by my mildly overprotective Scout the first time he saw his younger sister wearing a fairly low-cut dress.
ROFLMAO!!!!
Our group was a salvage operation that was hired to take control of this one ship that was relatively intact, so our crew boards the ship and splits up, two guys going to the engine room and the other two going to the bridge. After a while one of the guys in the engine room called up about something (I forget what) saying:
"we heard something down here."
"Who's down there?"
*both players raise their hands*
"are you guys raising your hands into a comlink?"
They felt kinda stupid after that while the rest of us got a good laugh out of it.
Got a good one from the West End version of Star Wars.
Our group was a salvage operation that was hired to take control of this one ship that was relatively intact, so our crew boards the ship and splits up, two guys going to the engine room and the other two going to the bridge. After a while one of the guys in the engine room called up about something (I forget what) saying:
"we heard something down here."
"Who's down there?"
*both players raise their hands*
"are you guys raising your hands into a comlink?"
They felt kinda stupid after that while the rest of us got a good laugh out of it.
Our President waved to Stevie Wonder.
*sigh*
He also almost died via pretzel.
Our President waved to Stevie Wonder.
*sigh*
He also almost died via pretzel.
INT: because not everyone takes charisma as their dump stat
The following section might offend people. You have been warned!
Show
PC1: Hey, I can make a heatless torch
PC2: Hitler's torch?
PC3: Yeah, gives you a +1 to burning books
PC2: Hitler's torch?
PC3: Yeah, gives you a +1 to burning books
Background: We're playing a Star Trek game. I'm the captain, and we're playing post-TNG, during the time after the Enterprise-E's encounter with Shin'zon.
Currently, I'm in command of a Miranda-class starship that's been refitted internally and had most of it's major replacable parts replaced. She's still old and creaky, but she can stand up to a lot. We've encountered an alien obling object which has disabled a Federation starship and is towing it behind it.
I get the control codes for the starship in question, and I get a look at it's bridge. The inside, as the DM says, looks like everyone was killed by being blended on "Frappe", except the captain, who has been restrained to his chair by some sticky goop, and has had some kind of metal spike driven into his head, with some kind of attached transmitter.
My bridge crew is horrified. I calmly say to my helmsman,
"Mr. Suez. Take control of Earthbender's(ship's name) helm and take her to maximum warp. Don't bother to set a proper course, I want her warp field as misaligned as you can possibly do it."
The DM was completely unprepared for this. There was a silence, and looks on his face went from "what the hell...." to "oh, you bastard..." to "oh, you clever bastard.
"Then he said the following:
There are many ways to be reminded that you forgot to check the control codes. Weapons shutting down, your sensors going blind, other ships sneaking past you, even the replicators not working. Some reminders are worse then others.
A ship, antimatter fuel and full torpedo compliment included, slamming into you at high warp, ranks fairly high up on the "bad" list, just below "Space time implodes" and just above "The replicators start dispensing hand grenades"
Currently, I'm in command of a Miranda-class starship that's been refitted internally and had most of it's major replacable parts replaced. She's still old and creaky, but she can stand up to a lot. We've encountered an alien obling object which has disabled a Federation starship and is towing it behind it.
I get the control codes for the starship in question, and I get a look at it's bridge. The inside, as the DM says, looks like everyone was killed by being blended on "Frappe", except the captain, who has been restrained to his chair by some sticky goop, and has had some kind of metal spike driven into his head, with some kind of attached transmitter.
My bridge crew is horrified. I calmly say to my helmsman,
"Mr. Suez. Take control of Earthbender's(ship's name) helm and take her to maximum warp. Don't bother to set a proper course, I want her warp field as misaligned as you can possibly do it."
The DM was completely unprepared for this. There was a silence, and looks on his face went from "what the hell...." to "oh, you bastard..." to "oh, you clever bastard.
Then he said the following:
Your DM is a comedy genius, sigged!
It's definitely got that 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' feel to it which just makes it so awesome.
DM: The orc guards lead you into a courtyard. There is a stone block on the ground, and a big, burly orc wearing an executioner's hood standing beside it. He has 'Monkey Grip' and is using it to full effect with his greataxe. You should do something now.
Psion: Guards? Tighten these bindings. I can almost move my hands!
DM: Wha...? Okay, they do.
Ranger: What're you doing! We're about to be executed!
Psion: How wide is this courtyard?
DM:Oh, about a 30 ft radius, centered on the execution block. By the way, orc warriors and commoners are starting to come into the courtyard to watch you get your head chopped off.
Psion (to ranger): How's your reflex save?
Ranger: Okay.
Psion: If your character dies here, I will personally ressurect you. I guarantee it.
DM: Huh? You just wasted your actions. Your head is being laid on the chopping block.
Psion: I ready an action for when the executioner lifts his axe.
DM: He does.
Psion: Energy Burst: Fire [rolls]
DM: Okay, everyone but the executioner and the ranger dies.
Ranger: I run out of the courtyard.
Psion: Smart thinking. Energy Burst: Sonic [rolls]
DM: Uh, the executioner, already prone from the explosion, dies. The courtyard collapses and a bowl-like depression forms in the ground. You hear a loud 'thump.' It is extremely probable that you just collapsed a significant portion of the upper levels.
Psion: And you wanted me to take Energy Bolt...
P1: "21."
DM: "Save failed. You turn to dust."
P2: "Oh great... now we have an instant barbarian."
DM: "You see a quiet flight..."
The PCs visit the local daimyo.
PC1: "Is the daimyo home?"
Servant: "No."
PC2: "Are you sure? Check the wardrobe."
DM: "The demon spits acid on you, melts your armor and causes serious wounds."
P1: !!!!!
DM: "Don't worry. The acid spit is harmless, because he does it rarely."
PC: "Who sent you?"
NPC: "I don't know, it was dark."
player two: this game is a twf ranger. last game was a shugenja
dm(me): i rule that until your bab is 5 nat ones you either attack yourself or the most logical ally depending on the situation.
game one: (different dm and i was just a player)
p2: i shoot *rolls a one and hits p1 in the shoulder* "Hey will you hold that for me?"
P1: swears at him
game two: just happened today
P2: *is attacking in melee against an ogre*
P1: i shoot at the ogre *rolls a 1 then rolls to hit P2. rolls damage* "hey will you hold that for me?"
P2: you (insert other word for jerk here)
P1: i talk to the captain (while negotiating their passage) "so will there be any hot girls one board?"
Capt: "if by hot girls you mean 90 year old men then yes"
P1: "Alright you have a deal."
(arrive at next town)
P1: do i see any hot girls
dm: nope just 90 year old men
P1: there seems to be alot of those around
P2 just got the only hot girl they found in that town and "spent the night" with her. in the morning
Girl: "come here to the window"
P2: goes to window*
girl: see that old man over there? *points at 90 year old man*
P2: yea
girl: well he was better than you. *walks away*
next town (this is an evil game btw)
P1: you know we havent really done anything evil lately
P2 and me: true
P1; i talk to the nearest guard *gets info on current mission* "have you done anything good recently?"
Guard: "I just saved a kitten from a burning building"
P1: "will you come with me please" *takes guard out of view and kills him* I search the guard
Me: you find a fake city guard badge.
P1: You mean this guy wasnt a guard
Me: no he was just the city loon.
P1: so i actually did the town a favor
Me: yea.
P1: damn
Erik to Quill,"Why don't you go up and say hello?"
Quill "Do I look that stupid to you, he'll try and kill me!"
Erik "Why is it when you see an Ogre you automatically assume it's evil? What if he is up here working at a silver vein watching for monsters for the men inside because he's so intimidating?"
Quill "I dont know..."
Erik "Tell ya what since I can't speak the language if you go up and say hello I'll pay ya." (Quill was a Wizard and could Comprehend alot of languages, plus he had spells that could do the trick).
Quill "How much we talking here?"
Erik "50 gold, and if he does try to eat you we can make a break for it."
(we were a bit roughed up from the rock-slide)
Quill "Well I did just spend the last of my gold in town...sure, I'll do it."
Erik "Great, I'll wait here, yell if there's trouble." Quill nods his agreement.
So Quill goes up and starts talking only the Ogre rings the bell and starts yelling. A second or two later more Ogres come running out of the cave carrying javalins...he screams and runs.
Now my character has lowlight and can see this happening despite being dark, so when I see the pack of Ogres chasing him I slip on my ring of invisibility and set aside. He goes screaming down the goat-path into the night being chased by 3 Ogres with javalins.
Make a long story short...I snuck into the cave pocketed some of the jewels they were mining (on the nobleman's land we were working for - technically). Quill got two javalins in the back but escaped and healed up. He earned his 50 gold and I got 200 gp worth of jewels.
In this campaign, I'm playing a creat-a-class, called the Darkslayer. It's modeled after what Virgil from Devil May Cry 3 does, with devil trigger, summoned swords, and all that. Since we're all L. 23 at this point, I have the final ability of the class called Sword Guillotine, which basically cuts an opponent's head off or does 1d6 con damage if it fails the reflex save. now, we're fighting a Tarrasque, so I know I can't con damage it, but the vorpal effect still works on it.
DM: Roll Initiative
*Rolls*
Order: Necromancer, Weapon master, Tarrasque, Me, Really BIG guy, Thri-Kreen, Samurai, Rogue.
DM: River (Necromancer) goes first.
River: Cast *such and such a spell*
DM: Ok, it makes the save.
DM: Seeve, you're up.
Seeve: Hit it with my chains
DM: Ok, its turn. It proceeds to do some really nasty s*it to us. OW.
DM: Taranax
Me: Heheh, guillotine. Roll a reflex (DC of somewhere around 35)
DM: *Rolls* NATURAL 20. Reflex of 40.
Me: :OMG! :OMG! :OMG!
And...it's immune...to ability damage...DM: Yep.
Me: And...that's...a full...round...action...(Insert "F" word here)
DM: Okay, Big Guy (He has no name)
Big Guy: Okay, going apes*it (Frenzy, Berserk, Rage, Power Surge, Devil Trigger from how much he's multiclassed {I co-DM the campaign, and I gave everyone the ability to Devil Trigger
}). DM: Oh, great.
Big Guy: *Rolls*
NATURAL 20! I VORPAL'D THE F'ER!!!!!!!!!Group (including DM): :OMG! :OMG! :OMG! :OMG! :OMG! :OMG!
At this point, the rest of the group prepares actions, and it goes back to our caster, who casts wish.
River: I wish this thing not only dead, but I wish for it's soul to be ripped into pieces and sent into the farthest reaches of hell (or something to that effect).
DM: Okay, it's done.
River: Yeah, if that hadn't happened, I would have just wished it into the farthest reaches of space. It'd be alive, but there's no way in hell it's coming back.
wow. that stopped us for about 10 minutes. They laughed. I sat there and grumbled about how I had just wasted my 1/day "you're dead" ability.
One of our party rolled his spot check against my Disguise and it went something like this.
DM: You get the sense that you know this person.
Rogue: Don't I know you from somewhere?
me: I dont think so.
Rogue: Whats your name?
me: Dion.
Rogue: I swear I know you.
me: You must be thinking of another Dion, there is a cleric in this
town who worships Pelor. they call him "Pelor Dion"
Rogue: Thats not you?
me: No, no I'm "Selene Dion"
Players at the table execpt one: "Shane?"
Shane: "Very funny guys."
DM: You get the sense that you know this person.
Rogue: Don't I know you from somewhere?
me: I dont think so.
Rogue: Whats your name?
me: Dion.
Rogue: I swear I know you.
me: You must be thinking of another Dion, there is a cleric in this
town who worships Pelor. they call him "Pelor Dion"
Rogue: Thats not you?
me: No, no I'm "Selene Dion"
OW! Seriously that one hurt like hell. Ow.
No, no I'm "Selene Dion"
*puts on his Pedantic hat* Seh-LEE-nee. Greek moon goddess. :p
Bard [OOC]: "Catch, catch, catch the plummeting bard...!"
(we didn't)
Halfling, speaking to an NPC dwarf. "Hello, we have come to..."
Dwarf: "Speak Dwarven!"
Player clears throat, speaks with a much deeper voice. "We have come to..."
(whole table bursts out laughing)
Player: I need those plants for a cure, sir...
DM/Old man: Impossible, those are the last ones. They must be used for reproduction. And they will reproduce in about 300 years...
Player: But... but... I am crazy NOW!!!
My first post here!
Ok, from my game yesterday:
Cast: Two Dwarves, Temor and Zillix, Temor being a Wizard/Archivist and Zillix a Fighter/Cleric. Temor is Zillix's father.
Setup: They are in a lake side port town and have heard rumors of a mysterious cave on one of the small islands.
They are looking to commission a boat to take them to the island.
Zillix: "Hello Sir, we are looking for a boat to take us out on the lake"
Sailor: "Hello to you as well Sirs, I think I am just the man you need. The name's Deuroar, Master Sailor and Fisherman.
I've taken a few sight seers out on the lake before, and it i beautiful this time of year."
Zillix: "We are looking for a bit more then a picnic, we heard rumors of a cave on one of the island and we are looking to investigate."
Sailor: "Aye Sir, caves are found from time to time on the lake, it is probably just a few Lake-Badgers."
Zillix: "Lake-badgers?"
Sailor: "yes sir, as big as a dog and with teeth and claws like a lion.
They do make good stew through."
And later, once they are in the cave, Zillix steps through a Illusory wall and walls into a 40 ft pit.
Zillix: "AHHHH!"
thud
Zillix: "Temor! There is a pit on this side, don't walk through, just through me your rope so I can climb up."
NOTE: Zillix meant for Temor to through one end of the rope down while holding the other so he cound climb out.
Temor: "Ok."
He then throw the coil of rope down the hole
Zillix: "You were supposed to hold one end!!!!!"
Temor: "OHHHHH, ha ha ha! You didn't say I was supposed to hold it!"
My Drow cleric (his name is Naruc)worships Selene, he is a master of Disguise. We are in an area were Drow arent really welcome so I made up two alter egos for him. One is a Half Elven Cleric of Selene. My cleric had gone for a while then came back in disguise.
One of our party rolled his spot check against my Disguise and it went something like this.
DM: You get the sense that you know this person.
Rogue: Don't I know you from somewhere?
me: I dont think so.
Rogue: Whats your name?
me: Dion.
Rogue: I swear I know you.
me: You must be thinking of another Dion, there is a cleric in this
town who worships Pelor. they call him "Pelor Dion"
Rogue: Thats not you?
me: No, no I'm "Selene Dion"
*The party has gone into the city's port district to search for leads on a gang of Sahuagin they need to question. Suddenly, the party Wizard, a character long hamstrung by his subpar Charisma score, comes across an (ahem) Lady of the Evening...*
Prostitute: Hey honey, love the ears.
Wizard: (abruptly) Are there any Sahuagin around here?
Prostitute: (blinks) Wow, you elves are into some kinky weird stuff...
So, in our last adventure, the following happened.
*discussion*
Dakkon (NE Half-Orc Barbarian level 2): Hey, maybe we should look after that guy that ran away from the city when the monster attacked.
DM: A mysterious owl appears on the top of the cathedral and hoots three times.
Dakkon: That's it. I throw this goblin javelin i looted this morning at the owl.
DM: Okay, the owl is at your maximum range, up in the sky, and flying around. Also, it is a small creature. Then, it's a javelin made for a small creature, and you can't really handle it. You need like... a 40 on a D20 to hit it.
Dakkon: Fair i guess. *rolls* Natural 20.
DM: You hit the owl with your javelin. It crashes at the other side of the building, and it's beak hits the villian you were going to meet three evenings from now into his left eye, causing him to die painfully.
The party fighter looks the wizard in the eye and asks “How much for the wand?”
I was playing in a game with a bard who just wouldn’t shut up. Every knowledge check prompted a long dialog with little or no point to it. We were trying to talk to a mage for a quest we were on and the bard kept taking over the conversation leading it in weird pointless directions. Finally the wizard reaches in to his pocket pulls out a small black wand points it at the bard and says “Mute.” …silence…
The party fighter looks the wizard in the eye and asks “How much for the wand?”
Sounds like our group...
Finnally manged to remember a line from my group. It was a ooc moment but I still thought it was very funny at the time. The group was in what appeared to be an underground draconic city. When we came under attack for some reason I can't remember exactly why my scorcer was unable to cast his spells so he had to resort to fighting in hand to hand. He was actually doing much better than the fighters in our group at hitting our oponents which led to this line.
Me ooc: Its a sad day when the scorcer outshines the fighter in hand to hand combat
Heh, In one campaign my elven wiz was doing more damage with a wakizashi than his spells.
Heh, In one campaign my elven wiz was doing more damage with a wakizashi than his spells.
Reminds me of a low-level Elven wizard who had quite some Dexterity. He functioned as main archer for quite a while, later going on to specialise in rays... Ended under big steel door.
Not exactly Dungeons & Dragons, but this was so funny I felt compelled to share.
Background: We're playing a Star Trek game. I'm the captain, and we're playing post-TNG, during the time after the Enterprise-E's encounter with Shin'zon.
Currently, I'm in command of a Miranda-class starship that's been refitted internally and had most of it's major replacable parts replaced. She's still old and creaky, but she can stand up to a lot. We've encountered an alien obling object which has disabled a Federation starship and is towing it behind it.
I get the control codes for the starship in question, and I get a look at it's bridge. The inside, as the DM says, looks like everyone was killed by being blended on "Frappe", except the captain, who has been restrained to his chair by some sticky goop, and has had some kind of metal spike driven into his head, with some kind of attached transmitter.
My bridge crew is horrified. I calmly say to my helmsman,
"Mr. Suez. Take control of Earthbender's(ship's name) helm and take her to maximum warp. Don't bother to set a proper course, I want her warp field as misaligned as you can possibly do it."
The DM was completely unprepared for this. There was a silence, and looks on his face went from "what the hell...." to "oh, you bastard..." to "oh, you clever bastard.
Then he said the following:
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
You may wish to start watching some Star Trek to understand any of that. Most geeks within a half parsec of a computer usually know Star Trek or Star Wars.
The important bit is "Hack in, set the engine for Overheat, and point it at the bad guys. Then we run."
It helps explain the technobabble into something of meaning. And distorting the warp field is dangerous to anything within it. I got the meaning instantly, but most people wouldn't know a lick about a warp core. Oh well.
An exploding warpcore is rather bad. The torpedo's and other materials on board don't even really matter. An exploding warpcore will kill almost anything within it's radius, no questions asked.
The problem is that having a warpcore implode, assumes the warpcore is still active and it's protection can be deactivated. In most circumstances, trying to do anything like that from a distance is (nearly) completely impossible. Yes, you can take control of some of a vessel's functions from a distance using the codes, but activating the warp core and setting a course is something I would completely rule out as a possibility. Without any personnel on site, you wouldn't be able to do this.
Death2all: Gnoll Ranger 2(ecl 5!) with a thing for guns. Lots of guns.
Dave: Kobold Paladin 2 with AC 25 and two skills: mine, hide.
The setting is D20 Modern, but with more magic and D&D rules. We are basically beat cops.
DM: Okay, you're driving down the street to the abandoned apartment building
Euprimean: Do we pass any toy stores?
DM: Uh, yeah.
E: I go in and buy a nerf gun bazooka and some black spray paint.
DM: Uh, why?
E: I spray paint the bazooka black, then channel my eldritch blasts through it!
[At the apartment complex]
Death2all: I take out my two pistols!
Dave: I stretch out my hand, ready to smite evil!
Euprimean: I take out my bazooka!
Officer: Um, Sir? You forgot to remove the foam dart.
Euprimean: Damn. [shoots officer]
Officer: Very funny. Now please, stop using shapechange to look like my boss.
[inside]
DM: There is a stairway, but the entrance to it has been blocked. To your--
Dave: By 'blocked,' do you mean: 'It will take 1d6 hours to clear'?
DM: By 'blocked' I mean: 'My plot doesn't anticipate for you going up the stairs.
Dave: Ahh...
DM: You can, however, climb up the knotted ropes in the elevator shaft!
[later, Death2all is on the roof]
DM: A ghoul jumps out at you from behind some rubble with a shotgun!
Death2all: Shoot it [rolls] Crit. Confirmed. 32 points of damage.
DM: He dies.
Death2all: Yee-hah!
DM: Three more ghouls jump you!
Euprimean: Congratulations! You just found an EL-appropriate encounter!
[Euprimean is below, on a ledge ~20 feet high]
DM: You see four ghouls crawling up (and down) toward you! [rolls] Two of them fall and die. The two below you keep coming.
Euprimean: I use a move action to jump down on one, while using my standard action to fire an eldritch blast at the other!
DM: Jump check, -4 penalty.
Euprimean: [rolls] Dang. Total of -1.
DM: You miss by ten feet.
Euprimean: Eldritch blast [rolls].
DM: You hit.
Euprimean: Four damage.
DM: [rolls] The ghoul falls and dies. You fall and take 1 point nonlethal damage, 6 points lethal.
Euprimean: As I lie, at 0 hp exactly, I use my one action to raise a hand to the paladin nearby!
Dave: Go away - I'm fishing!
Euprimean: In the equivalent of downtown New York?!?
DM: Well, technically its mining since he's using the mine skill.
Dave: I'm mining for fish!
Euprimean: I die! Alas!
Dave: Don't you have a wand of cure light wounds?
Euprimean: Oh, yeah. I use it.
DM: [rolls] A dead ghoul falls on you.
[Death2all comes down, Euprimean kills a ghoul Dave mined up by accident, and the officer comes out.]
Officer: Thanks for running away. We were slaughtered by zombies.
Euprimean: Ah. That's where you're wrong! These two ran away, but I killed all these ghouls! Bluff check...[rolls]...26.
Officer: [rolls natural 20, fails anyway] Oh! My apologies Sir.
Euprimean: Never mind. [CLWs him]
Death2all: I show him the ghouls I killed!
DM: They're on the roof.
Death2all: See those ghouls on the roof?
Officer: No.
Death2all: Well, I killed them!
[we rush to the cars to get back to HQ, but run into a wall of zombies. Literally]
Dave: Get in the car!
Euprimean: I open the doors, shove everybody in, then get into the driver's seat!
[note: Death2all is in his own car, getting mobbed by zombies.]
DM: Zombies press their faces up against the windows, mouthing 'Brains!'
Dave: I lock my door.
[we flee from the zombies, somehow rescuing Death2all (who makes really low drive checks), then start to escape the city. Dave's on the roof sniping zombies.]
Euprimean: Improvised Craft (Mechanica) check of 21 to create an autopilot.
DM: Okay, you fix the steering wheel in place.
Euprimean: I get onto the roof of the car with Dave and start blasting zombies with my bazooka.
Dave: Just admit it already. You are carrying around a NERF GUN!
Euprimean: I shoot you with a foam dart.
Ally: Ashheart (Chaos Gnome)
Mary: Cloven (Tiefling)
So, in one of our most recent session in our homebrew "Book of the Dead" campaign the PC's are staying the night at an inn. This session later turns into your classic zombie horde attack a little later, but first the PC's take on a small job for one of the other customers. A young couple traveling together are staying at the inn and the man asks Cloven to sneak into the young lady's room and slip a nice little love letter into a book she's reading (the two hadn't actually begun a romantic relationship and he was hoping to change that). Naturally, the PC's get into the young lady's room in the dead of night to drop off the letter and find her making the naked pretzel with another of the guests, a wild mage. Long story short - all hell breaks lose, the young woman is completely hysterical and the wild mage has turned himself to stone by accident. It's a messy situation which the PC's do their best to handle. Bearwatcher busies himself running the other guests off and keeping the jilted young suitor away while Cloven and Ashheart try their best to console the traumatized woman. This was supposed to be when the horde of undead begin their assault on the inn, just as everyone was scattered around busy with different things. Instead, this is when Ally finally realized, what with all the somewhat twisted romance in the air, that her character (gnome) and Johnny's (her husband) character (goliath) weren't very likely to develop a romance of their own any time soon...for reasons that should have been pretty obvious to her way back at the start of the campaign. Which led to Mary and Ally sidetracking the session with an OOC discussion on how a gnome and goliath might get around such an obstacle.
Several minutes into the conversation, having resolved that growth/shrinking potions are just too darned expensive:
Mary: "Oh, hey, crap. Those...what, lithoderms? Those aren't like all over your body, are they?
Johnny (more or less tuning out the conversation up to this point): "Huh? Oh, no. I don't think so."
[Quick check in Races of Stone shows that, no they're only on the shoulders, arms and upper torso.]
Mary: "Oh, okay."
Ally: "What? Why?"
Mary: (chuckles] "Well, I mean I was just thinking...what if those little knobby things are, like, all over? You know?"
Ally: "Eww! Gross!"
Mary: "No, no. Like, you know, built in french tickler, baby."
[Giggling commences while Johnny and I just roll our eyes a bit.]
[Several seconds later...]
Johnny: "They don't call me "Studly" for nothing."
[The girls just SNAPPED and we had to take a break until they caught their breath.]
He got lost from the party and started strolling along the empty halls of a ruined underground complex.
DM> You have reached the end of the hallway, where the path splits to the left and to the right. You spot a barely hidden chest against the northern wall about 50 feet into the left path. What do you do?
Alienist> I follow the left path and examine the chest carefully.
DM> You decide to go to the right.
Alienist> No, I want to go to the LEFT
DM> You are in an inner conflict with yourself and can't decide which way to go.
* Some seconds pass *
Alienist> And?
DM> You stand there for around 3 minutes convincing yourself you want to go left. Or do you want to go right regardless?
Alienist> No, I want to go to the left.
DM> Are you sure?
Alienist> Yes, absolutely.
DM> 3 minutes pass and you walk along the left path. You enter a large and empty room with some obscure markings on the wall. What do you do?
Alienist> Where's the chest?
DM> What chest?
One of our players plays as Wizard/Alienist and obtained a few levels of Alienist, turning more insane day by day. If his own roleplay wasn't already enough, the DM occasionally tends to help him as well.
He got lost from the party and started strolling along the empty halls of a ruined underground complex.
DM> You have reached the end of the hallway, where the path splits to the left and to the right. You spot a barely hidden chest against the northern wall about 50 feet into the left path. What do you do?
Alienist> I follow the left path and examine the chest carefully.
DM> You decide to go to the right.
Alienist> No, I want to go to the LEFT
DM> You are in an inner conflict with yourself and can't decide which way to go.
* Some seconds pass *
Alienist> And?
DM> You stand there for around 3 minutes convincing yourself you want to go left. Or do you want to go right regardless?
Alienist> No, I want to go to the left.
DM> Are you sure?
Alienist> Yes, absolutely.
DM> 3 minutes pass and you walk along the left path. You enter a large and empty room with some obscure markings on the wall. What do you do?
Alienist> Where's the chest?
DM> What chest?
If my DM did this I'm fairly sure any liquids that I may have been consuming at the time would have been violently shot out of my nose.
My old group back in Colorado (best group ever) had a few people that liked to indulge in green tabacoo while gaming. One of the guys, Jermey, often did funny things.....here are a few:
After turning invisble and being very quite, Jermey unlocks the cells to the prisoners we were trying to rescue (the rest of us are in a different room fighting back the enemies to buy Jermey time). He then says to the prisoners, "Quickly, follow me or you might die!". Then Jermey turns around and runs out the room full speed .......... while he's still invisble, lol. Needless to say, the prisoners were not able to follow him, lol.
Floating down the river on a boat we all get attacked by a monster (forget what kind). The battle is going badly and two of us are trying not to drown at the bottom of the river. The boat is starting to sink due to damage taken. Jermey is the last one on the boat.
Jeramey: I tie all the equipment to me, as well as the extra suit of plate armor, so that everybody doesnt lose their valuables.
DM: Are you sure???
Jermey: Ya. Why wouldnt I be??? (the rest of us are giving each other knowing smiles, but trying not to say anything to metagame since we are under water/fighting the monster).
DM: Okay then. The boat finally goes under all the way. Jermey roll me a swim check....it's pretty much gonna have to be a natural 20 with all that weight you have on you now.
Jermey (rolls die) HA!!! There's your natural 20!!!
Everyone at the table: :OMG!
This one I wasnt there for, but heard about the next week.
DM: Okay Jermey, you didnt make the reflex save. The avalanche caught you, did 14 damage, and now you're buried under snow.
Jermey: Can I move at all?
DM: Ummm, sure. You have about a foot of space all around you that you can move in.
Jermey: Hmmmm, okay I got an idea. I cast fireball at the snow!
DM: You're sure?
Jermey: Why do you always ask me that??? Of course I'm sure.
DM: Okay then. The fireball goes flying for a distance of ONE foot, where it impacts with the snow and explodes, causing.......(rolls)......17 damage.....which brings you to.......negative 6. You're now dieing. On the bright side, the fireball melted/blew away enough snow that you are no longer buried.
The party found him (thanks to the self-inflicted explosion) and stabalized him at negative 9.
See kids, dont do drugs.
Bard: Male dwarf bard.
Fighter: Female half-elf fighter. (Original names, huh? Not their real names, obviously, but I'm too lazy to look them up right now.)
Bard: You're an elf.
Fighter: I'm a half-elf. My mother was an elf, and my father...
Bard: ...had lousy taste in women.
Fighter: Here, sign this.
Bard: What is it?
Fighter: Standard bodyguard contract.
Bard: I don't need a bodyguard. Maybe you saw me deal with those goblins outside?
[Note: Bard was utterly useless against the goblins. Fighter saved him.]
Fighter: ::sigh:: You don't have to call me a bodyguard. You can call me whatever you want.
Bard: Whatever I want?
Fighter: ::sigh:: Look, it just says I'll help you fight, and in exchange I get half of the treasure you pick up.
Bard: So... if I don't pick up any treasure, I don't have to pay you?
Fighter: Well, then I'll just pick it up myself.
Bard: But I don't have to pay you.
Fighter: No, I guess not. But I'll have to give you half of what I pick up, so it'll be like I'm paying you.
Bard: So, let me make sure I understand. You help me fight. I get to call you whatever I want. And you'll pay me for this?
Fighter: ::sigh:: ...just sign the contract.
Characters:
Bard: Male dwarf bard.
Fighter: Female half-elf fighter. (Original names, huh? Not their real names, obviously, but I'm too lazy to look them up right now.)
Bard: You're an elf.
Fighter: I'm a half-elf. My mother was an elf, and my father...
Bard: ...had lousy taste in women.
Fighter: Here, sign this.
Bard: What is it?
Fighter: Standard bodyguard contract.
Bard: I don't need a bodyguard. Maybe you saw me deal with those goblins outside?
[Note: Bard was utterly useless against the goblins. Fighter saved him.]
Fighter: ::sigh:: You don't have to call me a bodyguard. You can call me whatever you want.
Bard: Whatever I want?
Fighter: ::sigh:: Look, it just says I'll help you fight, and in exchange I get half of the treasure you pick up.
Bard: So... if I don't pick up any treasure, I don't have to pay you?
Fighter: Well, then I'll just pick it up myself.
Bard: But I don't have to pay you.
Fighter: No, I guess not. But I'll have to give you half of what I pick up, so it'll be like I'm paying you.
Bard: So, let me make sure I understand. You help me fight. I get to call you whatever I want. And you'll pay me for this?
Fighter: ::sigh:: ...just sign the contract.
Double check that math. If the bard didn't figure out that loophole, fighter would be getting all she personally picked up plus one half what bard picked up. Therefore, if bard refuses to pick up any treasure, she'd owe him only one-quarter what she picks up. Not one-half.
See kids, dont do drugs.
Why is it the stoners have the best luck in the world?
Theres a stoner in my group who rolls INCREDIBLY lucky. We all see it. Its fair. Hes just that damn lucky.
Characters:
Bard: Male dwarf bard.
Fighter: Female half-elf fighter. (Original names, huh? Not their real names, obviously, but I'm too lazy to look them up right now.)
Bard: You're an elf.
Fighter: I'm a half-elf. My mother was an elf, and my father...
Bard: ...had lousy taste in women.
Hilarious! Well roleplayed!DM: he gives you your assignment and some money and these maps *hands maps to P1*
P1: *takes maps* aaaooomp *bites the maps* (He did this RL)
In the organization the players are grey cloaks which are the lowest. Black cloaks are just higher. The identities of all of the members are supposed to be a secret except to the other members of their team.
DM: You hear someone walking behind you
P1: I turn around
DM: You dont see anyone
P1: i use my bow to see invisibility
DM: You see a man in armor and a black cloak and mask
P1: .... i go and put my mask and cloak on and come back
DM: He says: "You're in the organization too?"
P1: **** he knows who i am....I attack
P2,P3, their animals all attack P1 Sub.
DM: He attacks you and is no longer invisible
P1: I run away
P2: I'm sorry for him
DM: "Its okay but now i have to find a way to go invisible again"
P2: I give him my potion of invisibility (they found it last adventure)
DM: He drinks it *rolls, rolls some more* and he dies. It was poisoned.
P2: whaa...?? But i was debating about drinking that earlier
P1: I get back and say What did you do!!!
Players drag his body to the nearest soft ground and bury him then realise that they did this inside of the stadium and that thousands of people just saw them. The towns were all named by P1 in a joking moment first session and i was too lazy to change them.
P3: People of Morafag...shhhhhh
For a legacy item P2 had to face down a cr 5 green dragon all by his lonesome. i was being nice and i had the dragon be friendly at first just out for a morning run. the players see him and the dragon sees them. they exchange greetings
P1: *points to P2* He wants to kill you
Dragon: Whaa.....*Attacks*
* Allabaster casts Planar Binding and summons a Celestial Lobster into a pot of water, then fireballs!
That would be an awesome business in D&D! Even better would be Feindish Lobsters! Cause they would boil the water themselves! Although I bet Celestial Lobsters would taste better.
Celestial ones would taste good, but Axiomatic ones would taste Perfect.
The discussion stopped for about 5 minutes due to laughter. (in case you don't get it, creatures with the Axiomatic template are described as being "perfect" versions of the base creature)
My brother and I were doing an adventure to test out our new characters (characters we have since been told we will never use). My character, Zyrmex, a zern (no class levels) is brilliant (Int 20) and CN. My brother's character, Blargh, is a Minotaur Barbarian 6 with an Int of 3.
We started in a new town. Because Zyrmex works as an assasin, he went to scout out the town. The only problem was that Blargh kept following him. Finally, Zyrmex got fed up and led Blargh into a shop (a china shop, BTW), and told him to wait there. Blargh obeyed without question. Not long after Zyrmex was out of sight, Blargh left the shop...
Dm: What do you do?
Blargh: (Ooc) I follow him.
Dm: You can't seem to find him.
Blargh: Ok, I go into the closest building.
Dm: It seems to be a stable. There are horses in the stalls that line the wall-
Blargh: (Ic) Horsies!!! *jumps on one's back*
Dm:
How much do you weigh?Blargh: (Ooc) 900 pounds
Dm: Congrats, you just broke the horse's back.
Blargh: I try to fix it
Dm: Make a heal check.
Note: Blargh's wisdom is 10 and he has no ranks in heal
Blargh: *rolls a 1* Do I fix it?
Me and Dm:
If this weren't bad enough, Blargh left the stable after that.
Dm: Okay, now that you killed a poor horse, what do you do?
Blargh: I go into the next building.
Dm: This building appears to be a-
Blargh: (I couldn't tell if this was Ic or Ooc) RIDING DOG STABLE!!!
Me and Dm:
The adventure ended with that last line. The saddest part was that I never got to test my character.:raincloud
One of our table-mates sculpts minis for a small company. Since he also sculpts and paints minis for all our characters, we let it slide when he's sculpting/painting at the table.
Scene:
The party (high-level characters) has fought their way into a buried temple, only to face the undead-god-embryo-thing (heck if I know, but I think the DM was using Libris Mortis) at it's heart. Half-way through the fight and we have already lost a party member, had him re-animated, and had the zombie disintegrated by an overzealous Sorcerer. Immediately following, the sculptor (whose PC was just disintegrated) cursed rather loudly.
Sculptor (ooc): [censored]! I got ding-dong juice all over my Nazis!
Apparently, once he was zombified, he went back to painting his current commission. Combine this with a leaky snack cake, and you have the reason we stopped gaming for the night.
Background:
only to face the undead-god-embryo-thing (heck if I know, but I think the DM was using Libris Mortis)
Its an atropal scion (probably didn't spell it right though)
NE Rogue (someday assassin): "Great, how much are we going to get paid?"
LG Fighter: "Paid!?"
NE Rogue: (Dumbfounded expression)
The moral of this story, is to never let the LG character negotiate the adventure... btw this was the prelude to against the giants and nobody got beat up on more than that rogue. Hence he is now evil and bitter.
My friend Will is a 2nd level Ranger/figher, wood elf female
My friend John is a druid/swashbuckler (lost his identity to do memory loss) 2nd level
Logan is the DM
Will's character Lena talking to John's character Marek : John
Logan : Did you just call Marek John?
Will : Yeah...
Me : Who is this John guy, is that some magically person controlling your actions and thoughts; like this is some sort of game?
my ogres had a very tough time on the road to where we need to gois a dm boosted corpse gatherer, cr about 33, and at this time were level 8....after nine or ten sessions still 8 grrrr, so we couldnt kill it and we couldnt get passed it less we wanted to die, wed alredy lost like 10 characters to it, so i just say screw it and head toward it then abruptly stop and chuch the minataur toward it then sprint and jump over it glad about the loss af the minataur and of the gatherer, then from the gatherer i hear a loud scream and see the minataur flying out away glowing in a holy light and the gatherer running away......talk about disappointment.
so heres another, were doing a undead campaign and im a human, not undead andi get hurt, bad, so the cleric comes up and says hold still ::inflict moderate wounds:: me: im gonna *wimper* go polish *wimper* my armor now *wimper*...and i walk off hiding the pain then quickly expend many charges from my wand of cure light wound. dam good disguise checks.
So I'm playing an ogre and it turns out that I'm the only one who bought a bed roll, so the dm rules that one of the two medium sized creatures can sleep on me to avoid being fatigued. Needless to say this was followed by immense arguing.
And in the middle of such, since I didn't want to be slept on, I said I'd put on my spiked armor.....
Turns out only the dm heard me.....
Closely followed by the cleric yelling "I dive onto the ogre before he can".....
A few minutes later when the dm and I could breathe we told them about it and I got jumped by the cleric and as the fighter broke out laughing.
My ogre's had a very tough time on the road to where we need to go, against a dm-boosted corpse gatherer, cr about 33, and at this time were level 8....
After nine or ten sessions still 8 grrrr, so we couldn't kill it and we couldn't get past it unless we wanted to die, we'd already lost like 10 characters to it, so I just say screw it and head toward it, then abruptly stop and chuck the minotaur toward it, then sprint and jump over it, glad about the loss of the minotaur and of the gatherer, then from the gatherer I hear a loud scream and see the minataur flying away glowing in a holy light and the gatherer running away......talk about disappointment.
So here's another, we're doing a undead campaign and I'm a human, not undead and I get hurt, bad, so the cleric comes up and says hold still
::inflict moderate wounds::
Me: I'm gonna *wimper* go polish *wimper* my armor now *wimper*...
And I walk off hiding the pain then quickly expend many charges from my wand of cure light wounds. Damn good disguise checks.
This translation brought to you by Lying Comatose Monsters ;)
so im playing an ogre and turns out that im the only one who bought a bed roll, so the dm rules that one of the two medium sized creatures can sleep on me to not be fatigued, needless to say this was followed by immense arguing. And in the middle of such, since i didnt want to be slept on, i said i put on my spiked armor.....turns out only the dm heard me..... closely followed by the cleric yelling "i dive onto the ogre before he can".....a few minutes later when me and the dm could breath we told them about it and i got jumped by the cleric and as the fighter broke out laughing.
my ogres had a very tough time on the road to where we need to gois a dm boosted corpse gatherer, cr about 33, and at this time were level 8....after nine or ten sessions still 8 grrrr, so we couldnt kill it and we couldnt get passed it less we wanted to die, wed alredy lost like 10 characters to it, so i just say screw it and head toward it then abruptly stop and chuch the minataur toward it then sprint and jump over it glad about the loss af the minataur and of the gatherer, then from the gatherer i hear a loud scream and see the minataur flying out away glowing in a holy light and the gatherer running away......talk about disappointment.
so heres another, were doing a undead campaign and im a human, not undead andi get hurt, bad, so the cleric comes up and says hold still ::inflict moderate wounds:: me: im gonna *wimper* go polish *wimper* my armor now *wimper*...and i walk off hiding the pain then quickly expend many charges from my wand of cure light wound. dam good disguise checks.
Why in the blazing Nine Hells is your DM tossing a CR33 at you?
Why in the blazing Nine Hells is your DM tossing a CR33 at you?
For the record, a CR 33 OWNS the nine hells. Just thought I'd share.
Ranger "The Deck almost got us all killed!"
Warrior #1 "Yea, but we got some items from it!"
Warrior #2 "Plus it was fun."
Ranger "Come on, you can't all think that this isn't a horible idea!" Looked around at the rest of the party, who didn't give much support, untill the Druid spoke up.
"How about we have a comprimise? How about anyone that wants to can draw two cards, and then you get the Deck back and decide if it can be used again. If you don't want to draw you don't need to, whats the Harm?"
Ranger "As I recall a monster was summoned that almost killed two of us, including you." Points at me, the Paladin who hadn't drawn untill after that battle.
Me "Yea well... We were not prepared then! This time if anything bad happens we will be prepared. It could give us items to fight evil."
Ranger "Fine! I will prove that the deck will bring nothing but ruin to us!" Looks at the DM and says "I draw a card." He flips over a card (We had an actual Tarot deck) and the DM consults the list of effects.
DM "You don't notice any immediate effect."
Fighter "See, not so bad."
Ranger "Gahh! I draw another!" Flips over a card with an obvious representation of Death. Everone looks a bit nervous as the DM consults the list again.
DM "A Column of Flame shoots down from the sky onto the ranger. It continues to burn for 7 minutes."
Ranger " SEE! I told you. The deck will bring nothing but bad things! You see what happened"
Warrior "Guess it is my turn to draw two cards."
Ranger "WHAT?!?! You can't be serious, I was stuck down by a column of flame!"
Warrior "Yea, but now the Death card is gone. Whats the worst that could happen now?" The rest of the party agreed, and the ranger gave up trying to argue.
DM: You see before you the elven queen, a stunningly beautiful elf with golden hair and a blue dress.
Everyone:
The Dwarves, unanimously: Well, a woman with no beard is no good!
A classic :D
The halfling rogue is partway up a wall, affixing pitons to it so we can climb it. He's CN, and my character (CG) has already had run-ins with him.
Rogue: "Uh, I forgot something to hit the pitons in with."
Me: (OOC) "I take out my hammer and throw it at, I mean to, him."
the owner of the horse came up and he apologized then went and took her to get a new horse. he killed her in a back alley (evil campaign). when he came back to the scene there were two guards and the horse (the rest of the party had taken the cart) and they asked him if he knew anything. and he fails his bluff check.
P1: I run away
the guards catch him and almost kill his horse.
Guards: "Why did you run?"
P1: "I was scared."
Guard: "Why?"
P1: "I accidentally killed the horse when i was trying to get it under control."
Guards: "Do you know what happened to the owner?"
P1: "No." *rolls bluff. nat 1 "I KILLED HER!!!!"
These may be "You had to be there" moments, but I still laugh at them. These are from my days gaming back at Ohio State University between 2000 and 2001.
Making America Proud:
Back when I was in college we're starting a 4th level Forgotten Realms campaign and the DM tells us the starting mission of the campaign while we create characters so we know to purchase special equipment. We were hired to protect a caravan as it traveled through the Anauroch Desert. I already had a character made that I never got to run and passed it by the dm and he approved. A Gnome Rogue/Illusionist going for Gnome Artificer. All I had to do was buy my equipment.
I was stocked up and ready to go while everyone was still making characters. I decided that I was going to buy a horse and cart to travel with the caravan. There was no way in the 9 planes of Baator that I was going to walk my way across the desert as a gnome. By the time everyone was done all I had to do was name my Horse. I couldn’t for the life of me think of a name for it. Everyone else was getting impatient and I finally said fine I’ll name my horse later and we could all pretend that it was named the whole time… they agreed just so we can get started.
The DM starts describing the scene of a caravan travelling across the desert, with us somewhere near the middle. And then it hit me, and I try to stifle a giggle. I can’t and control it anymore and one by one everyone else starts laughing but my girlfriend. The joke had dawned on them while I was laughing. And then they lost it. My girlfriend finally got upset and asked, “What is so bleeping funny?”
Simultaneously we all start singing at the top of our lungs “I’ve been through a desert on a horse with no name. It felt good to get out of the rain.” We had to stop game for about 5 minutes for us all to recover.
At my college there’s a gaming club where people can gather and find games, we were situated in the middle of the basement with people playing all around us and some in some rooms… Everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at us, some even coming out of the rooms to see what was going on.
Spaceballs d20:
During a Star Wars d20 character creation session two players already had their characters made and they were telling the rest of us about them. We had a Human Scoundrel and a Shistivanen Scout or Soldier. None of us had heard of the Shistavana before so they were describing what one is and the basic description was a dog-man… I start laughing and say, “So he’s a Mog, half man and half dog. He’s his own best friend.” The whole party looses it we can’t stop the references. People asking if his name is Barf and is his partner Lonestar? So we decided why not… We created the Spaceballs party, everyone was named after a Spaceballs character and our ship was the “Winnie” AKA Eagle One.
Smuggling Jedi:
During the Spaceballs d20 Game I was playing a very pacifistic Jedi, He never liked using his lightsaber except as a last resort and did what he could to not harm others. During a mission I left something back in the Winnie so I went to retrieve it. While in the ship I heard someone trying to break in, presumably to hijack it. Not knowing how many of them there are I figure my best bet to stop them is to surprise them, so I hide in one of the smuggling panels in the ceiling of the cockpit, ready to strike. While the would-be thieves try to crack the security codes I drop down from my hiding-hole and ignite my light saber. The utter surprise of my entrance caused them to stop in their tracks and surrender. After shackling them and leading them out of the ship and into the custody of some nearby guards the other PC’s see me leading these criminals and ask how I managed to capture them without injuring them. I look at them and stoically say, “Nobody expects the Jedi in the Ceiling.” The rest of the party lost it.
Fairy Tale Adventures:
During a summer break at college most of my regular group decided to keep things going at one of the houses of a group member. So the first Saturday session we start making characters. There were 8 of us including the DM and the DM usually had a DMPC. I know this sounds bad but he’s been playing since DnD first came out his characters were never more powerful than any of ours, In fact I think one campaign his character died more often then ours because of die rolls. Anyway, We had 7 males and 1 female. The girl decided to make a human female bard and independently 5 of the males decided to make male dwarves of various classes. While trying to figure out what I was going to make I asked what everyone else was making. I and one other were undecided the rest answered dwarf with some class except the girl, who as I mentioned called out human female bard… I lost it, I asked what is this, the “Snow White and the Seven Dwarves Party?” and everyone else thought that was a good idea. The undecided players agreed and so it was, Snow White and the Seven Dwarves began adventuring. I can’t remember them all but here’s a few of the ones I remember:
- Snow White, Human Bard
- Doc, Dwarven Cleric
- Sleepy, Dwarven Monk
- Grumpy, Dwarven Barbarian
- Dopey, Dwarven Wizard
- Bashful, Dwarven Rogue
- Happy and Sneezey I don’t really remember what their classes were.
Don’t Make Me Use My Hammergun!
I played in a short-lived campaign that lasted one session. I found out quickly that the DM had a “Me versus You” mentality and since he was the DM he was going to win at all costs. I was playing an Elven wizard and the rest of the party was human. We were walking though a forest and all at level 1 when he decided to pull out the big guns. We were in fireball formation, all very close together when he had a Great Wyrm Red Dragon descend upon us. I was the only one who made my will save against the fear effect and everyone else was frozen solid where they were. I knew this DM was going to be a problem at that moment and decided to nip this in the bud. I tell the DM I cast sleep centered on myself. He says dragons are immune to sleep and I tell him I know and I’m not trying to put the dragon to sleep. But I’m an elf, and I’m immune also, however the humans surrounding me aren’t immune to it and since they’re frozen solid they automatically fail their saves. As my traveling companions slump to the ground I look up the dragon and say, “Oh mighty wyrm I bring you this sacrifice in an attempt to appease you and win favor. All I ask is for my life and maybe some powerful spells from the spellbooks and scrolls you most likely have in your vast horde.” At this point the look of shock on my fellow players and my dm’s face was priceless and I finish packing everything up. I tell the players that if this is an example of the kind of dming he’s going to be doing then they’re better off packing up their stuff and leaving with me, because you can’t win in a ***** waving contest with an immature dm like him. And I walked out. Two of them followed me because they agreed he was going to be a bad dm if he’s using Great Wyrm Red Dragons at 1st level, even as a plot device.
More to come soon
We opened a door to a room which was basically a pit; a nasty smell emenated from within. Looking in, we discovered that it was essentially a larder for the bugs that occupied the dungeon; human body parts heaped on on the other.
Me: "Smells like .... chicken!"
Human Bard: [OOC] "If he starts eating anything, I'm shooting him in the head with my crossbow."
and we had some interesting stuff happen.The Characters:
Vincent Guldor: LN Human Monk
Joseph Falstaff: Half-elf Paladin
Virgil Shanks: CN Halfling Rogue
The Mission: Rescue the twenty-seven children kidnapped from a local village by a slave caravan (long story; involves the campaign's main villains, can't explain lest the players find out)
The PC's were following the tracks of the slave traders, and while the slavers didn't know the characters were in pursuit, they had anticipated being followed. they deliberately laid down tracks along both the main road (which they were really using) and a small side path that led into a forest clearing choked with vines (and with an assassin vine right above the armor). A suit of armor was left in the center of the clearing, with a note attached to it. Everyone's at first level, and for some reason the monk decided that he would check things out.
All: "We watch the trees for any archers."
Me: "There are no archers in the trees."
Paladin: "I watch the edges of the clearing for any sign of an ambush."
Me: "Nothing moves at the edges of the clearing."
The monk reaches the armor and picks up the letter, failing a Spot check as the vines above him begin to stir.
Monk: "I read the note."
Note: "SURPRISE!"
Assassin Vine: *Slam attacks the monk.*
Monk (dropping from 8 to -2 hp in one fell swoop): "Argh!" *falls over*
I explained to the group that I had mistakenly thought the vine was a CR 1, when it was actually CR 3. The good news is that those 1st level characters defeated the plant and got a lot of xp from that encounter.
"If you hear a goblin scream, run in. If you hear a human scream, run faster."
A swordsage and a rogue are sneaking up to a hobgoblin camp. After they check out the area, they tell the other party members, a samurai and a cleric, what they saw. Then came this line:
"If you hear a goblin scream, run in. If you hear a human scream, run faster."
That's similar to one I'm fond of quoting.
"I'm going in. If if it's safe, I'll shout. If it's unsafe, I'll scream."
Me- Dwarf, 7th fighter
Sister- 1/2 Elf, 4th cleric/3rd bard
Uncle- DM
We had a campaign running for about a year in which I played a CN Halfling rogue (A.K.A. "Kender") My uncle used to constantly make comments on my height. Thinking about this, I made my Dwarf as tall as they come... 4 1/2 feet. They're medium-sized. This is while we're in a "large" town talking to a street urchin. I was trying to get my sister ressurected. I had spent the past six or seven days dragging somewhere around 1,000 lbs on rotten wooden boards.
DM: The little girl walks up to you, and looks down-
Me OOC: You can't say anything about my size, I'm medium-sized this time.
DM: How tall are you?
Me OOC: Four and a half feet.
DM: She's four feet, seven inches. So she looks down at you and says,-
Me OOC: I hate being short.
P.S. I did better in this adventure with a bone than a magical weapon, and killed an evil cleric single-handidly while I was blinded by the light. We played the song while I was fighting. (Cleric cast "light" on my forehead)
This post is rated PG-13 for narcotic content.
My old group back in Colorado (best group ever) had a few people that liked to indulge in green tabacoo while gaming. One of the guys, Jermey, often did funny things.....here are a few:
After turning invisble and being very quite, Jermey unlocks the cells to the prisoners we were trying to rescue (the rest of us are in a different room fighting back the enemies to buy Jermey time). He then says to the prisoners, "Quickly, follow me or you might die!". Then Jermey turns around and runs out the room full speed .......... while he's still invisble, lol. Needless to say, the prisoners were not able to follow him, lol.
Floating down the river on a boat we all get attacked by a monster (forget what kind). The battle is going badly and two of us are trying not to drown at the bottom of the river. The boat is starting to sink due to damage taken. Jermey is the last one on the boat.
Jeramey: I tie all the equipment to me, as well as the extra suit of plate armor, so that everybody doesnt lose their valuables.
DM: Are you sure???
Jermey: Ya. Why wouldnt I be??? (the rest of us are giving each other knowing smiles, but trying not to say anything to metagame since we are under water/fighting the monster).
DM: Okay then. The boat finally goes under all the way. Jermey roll me a swim check....it's pretty much gonna have to be a natural 20 with all that weight you have on you now.
Jermey (rolls die) HA!!! There's your natural 20!!!
Everyone at the table: :OMG!
This one I wasnt there for, but heard about the next week.
DM: Okay Jermey, you didnt make the reflex save. The avalanche caught you, did 14 damage, and now you're buried under snow.
Jermey: Can I move at all?
DM: Ummm, sure. You have about a foot of space all around you that you can move in.
Jermey: Hmmmm, okay I got an idea. I cast fireball at the snow!
DM: You're sure?
Jermey: Why do you always ask me that??? Of course I'm sure.
DM: Okay then. The fireball goes flying for a distance of ONE foot, where it impacts with the snow and explodes, causing.......(rolls)......17 damage.....which brings you to.......negative 6. You're now dieing. On the bright side, the fireball melted/blew away enough snow that you are no longer buried.
The party found him (thanks to the self-inflicted explosion) and stabalized him at negative 9.
See kids, dont do drugs.
dunno seems like a reason to do drugs, guys pulled through twice! I wanna play with that guy
Me OOC: I hate being short.
Play as a half-giant next time they are nearly large size
.I kid you not, was one of the funniest moments ever!
Tundrae: My Ranger, a stealthy scout type with overtones of bounty hunter and Silver Marches Sherrif.
Sir Daeveric: The party's fighter and a consumate duelist, bit of a high horse with refined tastes.
Tundrae: Okay, I'll go and see what I can see. Give me half an hour. If I'm not back by then...
Sir Daeveric: Retreat?
Tundrae:
What? No! Bloody well come and get me!All:
Play as a half-giant next time they are nearly large size
Yes, but the little guys are so much more fun.
Take the Halflings for example: they're rich in culture. They have fine clothes, good wine, exquisite food, and always an eccentric personality... Then you have the ogres- "Grrr, me smash!"I suppose that it's my curse to love the smaller races.
"Hello, is anyone up there?" The rogue yells, after rolling a nat 20 on his move silently check while walking up the stairs to the second level of the home.
I kid you not, was one of the funniest moments ever!
- 20 to his move silent mod :P
Dm: Uh well....fire pop out of the caster hand...basically it burn thing....
Dwarf: Uhm...ok
Dm: *Look at the mage* HADOKEN!!!
Mage: Hahaha...wait, i got a better one!
Dm: What, "Kamehameha"?
Mage: *Does numerous Naruto Handseal* Gōkakyū no Jutsu!!!!
Rash: level six Sorcerer.
Torm: Level 5 Cleric Aureon, level 1 vivamancer (Homebrew Prestige Class.) Me.
Rash has just picked up a seriously evil rod. 10 minutes after picking it up, he's starting to grow horns, eyes change color, that sort of stuff. Torm understandably, is getting nervous. Which leads to the following.
Torm: I cast dispel magic.
DM: You cast dispel magic. You feel it do absolutely jack.
Torm(OOC): I guess this means I shouldn't bother rolling?
Meh. I found it funny.
Still, as a funniness test...
Guy: I haven't heard back [from him]. Is he working today?
Me: He could be working any day. His schedule is more chaotic than a party of slaadi.
Guy: roflmfao
- 20 to his move silent mod :P
The other players at the table were just like Uh, what.... The Rogue went forehead first into the table realizing what he had done... I just smiled and pretended situation normal, people do stupid things without realizing it, and this one was one of the best :evillaugh
Oh yeah, he was lucky to live this time, the people in the building were friendly.
Well, except listen in with his telepathy (this was arranged with the GM).
Turns out they were arranging for me to be the fall guy. So I arranged some matters myself, and watched as their plans came seriously, sadly adrift. Afterward, when one of the players asked me how I knew so much about their plans, I grinned and said, "Dude. Seriously. Never play mind games with a telepath."
The looks on their faces was worth the fact that the secret was out.
The first campaign my friend (DM) hosted, the players being another friend (Axios) and myself (Thorc), was a screw up. DM decided that if we rolled three 1's, we got 45 AP in one attribute. So Axios and I both roll 3 1's, he put it in his Dex and I in my Str. We were lvl 5... He was a half-elf, natural were-bear.
We were on your typical "The king is hiring heroes to slay the dragon" mission, and were traveling down an alley. On either side was a 2-story tavern. In one of the windows of the second story, a hero, figuring he could take out a couple rival-heroes, would fire an arrow.
DM: Roll Listen
Axios: 18
Thorc: ...3
DM: Axios, yes. Thorc... no.
Axios decides to dash into the tavern opposite the would-be assassin's own, shifting into the 12 foot bear hybrid form. The Arrow fired, and missed Thorc.
Thorc: :headexplo *jumps from the street to the second story window of the room opposing hero has taken roost in, the floor groaning and bending underneath the sheer weight and masculinity of thorcs 45 strength*
Axios has ran across the street to the public room of the tavern where thorc now stands over the clearly disgruntled hero.He looks up and decides to run his fist through the ceiling and grab the hero by the legs and toss him.
DM: -rolls luck to see if he grabs Thorc or hero, Axios grabs hero- Now Roll grapple and Str.
Axios: Axios: *rolls grapple, succeeds* *rolls strength, criticals. (house rules that if you roll a 20, you roll again and add the second roll to the first roll as well as any other bonuses from strength and the whatnot) *rolls again, criticals* *rolls again, criticals*
DM: You grab the hero, and toss him. He flies through the first story... he flies through the second- screw it, he flies outside of the city limits. His bones are heard cracking from miles away.
Thorc: But I wanted to hurt...
Another quick one:
We (Thorc, Friend 1, and Friend 2) were in a weird dream sequence where we were surrounded by dead bodies and all sorts of weapons and we were being charged by dragons of all shapes, sizes, and colors.
DM: Roll listen checks
Friend 1: 15
Friend 2: 18
Thorc: I screwed up... what happens?
DM: You begin to run your face along the battlefield, sharp pointy things jabbing into you as you scream "WHAT IS THAT NOISE!!!??? I HEAR SOMETHING, I JUST CANT TELL WHAT IT IS!!!"
1. We are finally getting to a cave blocked by a curtain, and hear faint voices of some creatures talking. We don't understand them, so we don't know what they are.
Friend: *looks sneaky and glances at Elkanter* Why don't you go first, Elkanter? You're so big and bad.
Elkanter: *looks proud* Of course, follow me! Watch and learn!
Elkanter jumps in, rips the curtain apart and...finds himself face to face with a surprised Ogre-king. The ogre blinks once, the picks up his huge club and smacks Elkanter so he flies through the room, crashes into an open crypt and falls to the ground unconscious, with a dustcloud around him.
Friend: Well, that was easy. He's so stupid.
DM: *headdesk and falls into a hapless giggling heap*
Me and Friend: *laugh*
2. While in some old building of some kind of elves, we try to go up by using some kind of elevator. Of course Elkanter is upstairs, and cut of the rope so we fall down. We didnt die, but instead 2 kentaurs comes running in screaming:
"Return to the darknes you fallen elves!"
Me:
That was the weirdes drider I ever seen.Friend: Well, we did fall from the tree but... You are a weird
drider so shut up!DM: *realises his bad choice of words and cracks up*
In Mysteries of the Moonsea, my friend plays a sorcerer, I play a rogue, dm plays 2 characters of his own and another guy that joined us for some time ago play a fighter (that acts like a ninja.)
I go off scouting the cave/ruin we are in, and he follows of course. I roll good enough to sneak around quietly. He makes a roll to sneak too, forgetting he was wearing a fullplate.
Him: How does it sound while I sneak?
DM: CLANK CLANK CLANK
We hade a good laugh at that ^^
After that, I cant remember if it was the same session or later, the fighter didnt make it in time to defend the sorcerer. The fighter said that he is the slave of the sorcerer since he saved him from slavers, but the sorcerer dont want any slaves and keeps telling him he is free. Anyway, here is it how that turned out.
Fighter: master! I have failed you! You must punish me!
Sorcerer: No, Im not your master, I couldnt punish you!
Fighter: You must!
Sorcerer: No! I can't!
Fighter: But Master, you must! You must!
Sorcer: *looks around like she is our of options. Then she raise her hand, and wags her index finger in fron of his nose, and says in a very high pitched voice: SHAME ON YOU!
Me and fighter:
"You might want to put some ice on that."
Our DM was always picky about lighting. If we acted like we could see (and nobody had darkvision) in places we couldn't, then he'd get really annoyed with us until someone declared they were lighting a torch. Things came a head one day...
DM: You are in a corridor, *gives long description involving tapestries hanging on the walls.* Suddenly, the door shuts, thus cutting off the only source of light. The corridor goes completely dark, and you can't see anything.
Player: I go examine the tapestry more closely.
DM: You cannot see the tapestry.
Player: Okay, then I walk to the end of the corridor.
DM: You walk until you bump into something solid.
Player: I examine it.
DM: *Sigh* You can't see it. It is dark. You are likely to be eaten by a Grue.
Player: Screw this, I'm going back to the tapestry.
DM: *Rolls dice* You have been eaten by a Grue. Everyone else, you hear loud chomping noises and your comrade's death screams.
We got the torches lit soon after.
DM (Me): "Uh..."
Monk: "Dude!"
Paladin (Completely Sincere): "Oh, I'm sorry. Was I supposed to just knock him out?"
cleric, "Pelor has spoken."
Halfling Rogue: "They're behind us on the bridge as well as in front of us!"
Beguiler (OOC): "I think we're really in danger now!"
Me (OOC): "I'm blind, deaf and on fire! I think I'd already figured that out!"
Me (OOC): "My character manages, with an amazing eloquence of gesture, to get the point across that if your character (the Beguiler) ever does that again, he will give her a good kick up the ass."
Beguiler (OOC): "My character waves the Wand of Cure Light as her answer." [She's been using charges off that thing like water just keeping my dwarf on his feet.]
Me (OOC): "My character makes it plain that the wand is the only reason he's not kicking her ass now."
Beguiler (OOC): [sticks tongue out]
[Setup: The characters had earlier been hit with a thunderstone, leaving my character deaf. While attacking the foes on a large stone bridge, my character was then hit by a vial containing alchemists' fire, and was thus set on fire. Before his action came around, another character (a Beguiler, and coincidentally the other character who was deafened) used Colour Spray on the foes he was fighting - he was caught in the area of effect but she figured he was a dwarf, with good magic saves, so he'd be fine (and she was CN). I rolled a 2 for the save, and ended up blind.]
Halfling Rogue: "They're behind us on the bridge as well as in front of us!"
Beguiler (OOC): "I think we're really in danger now!"
Me (OOC): "I'm blind, deaf and on fire! I think I'd already figured that out!"
If he's deaf, how'd he hear that?
If he's deaf, how'd he hear that?
OOC = out of character
Josh's game:
Me = LE Sor/Wiz/Ultimate Magus "Amondaemmeron Nipherius"
Steve = LG Paladin "Nehpets" or "Neopets"
John = I forget; he went through characters like candy in that game
James = Favored soul "Christopher
We were defending the last planar bastion against hordes of monsters in the Army of the Rising Sun...
DM: The leader of the fortress is a wizard. You know him as Simon.
Me: Simon? What does he say?
DM: What does he what?
Me: What does Simon say?
DM:
Group: :D
Then, later in that same session, still in the planar fortress:
DM: The hordes of lizardy dog things charges through the portals, devouring even the hardiest soldiers who rise to stop them.
Steve: Lizard/dogs? Logs?
DM: Sure, whatever. Anyway, Tim--
Me: (interjecting) Simon--
DM: --raises his hands, and a brilliant light shines out from it, scintillating like... like a disco ball.
Us: A disco ball?
Still later in the same session:
Us: So, we have quite a story here... we fought on the side of Simon the Sayer and his disco ball, got eaten by logs, ended up dying, and now we're in a Mexican apple orchard?
Me: I want me some undocced workers!
James' game:
We had just gotten to a moderately prosperous city, and I (a drow rogue "Xeran Kelozzir") had just been resurrected. We had a buttload of swag to sell.
Steve: Well, we should probably give our stuff to Xeran. He's got the best chance of getting us good deals.
Josh: Good idea. Here, dude... I give you... *lists a bunch of stuff* ... and a suit of full plate mail. Oh, and another suit of full plate mail.
Me: *staggering under the weight* Plate mail... oh, good.
(I didn't find it that hilarious, but for some reason, it sent the DM rolling on the floor for a while.)
Me: (How to Use the Skill, Use Magic Device) Just wave it around and scream 'hocus-pocus' or something.
This one requires a little more setup. John, playing a druid named Kelvin (and his favorite spell was Creeping Cold...
) had a cohort and followers, and was trying to start an organization similar to the Harpers, but more secretive. What he was trying to do was to figure out a way for people to identify themselves to each other using methods other people might not notice or steal. So we gave him suggestions OOC, like having a particular pin on one's cloak, making a hand gesture like a fluttering leaf or something (to which he said it was stupid), before he initially settled on one of our suggestions ("I guess it works.")Now Steve, who had been watching all along, leans forward.
Steve: I've got an idea. Have 'em wear pins... Person A: *displays pin* "Pin." *jabs hand out in imitation of fluttering leaf* "Spear twist." Person B: "Well, that was stupid." Person A: *shrug* "I guess it works."
That one sent us into hoots of laughter. The best thing? It stuck, and our druid has even perfected the spear twist for use while in animal form.
This one requires a little more setup. John, playing a druid named Kelvin (and his favorite spell was Creeping Cold...
As if I didn't get enough of those when I was doing my degree in physics ...
OOC = out of character
Whoops. Missed that. Now I feel stupid.
Setup- In the current campaign I am in, I am playing as a Half-ogre Fighter named John, who wields a large great-sword. We have a rule that if you roll a natural 1 you roll 1d4 to determine what happens, 1-2 you hit an ally in reach. 3 nothing happens, 4 you drop your weapon.
Characters:
Me- John the Half-Ogre Fighter
Friend 1- Elvin priest of Kossuth named Fenlar
Friend 2- Elan Soulknife named Fearsay
There were several other characters involved but those are the main three. We were in combat with several gobbling, hobgoblins, and a few bugbears. Combat was not going well(due to my very poor rolls) and we were starting to get desperate. We were down to 2 bugbears and 1 hobgoblins, almost no hit points and no spells.
Me-(OOC) I am going to kill that ****** bugbear!(Rolls: natural 1) Son of a(rolls 1d4 gets a 2) Well goodbye guys(rolls to see who I hit, rolls to hit Fearsay Nat 20, roll to confirm 16) OHH CRAP!!!
Friend 2- (OOC) Goodbye, can you hand me the players handbook so I can start working on my next character please?
Friend 1-(OOC) What did you do that for?
Me-(OOC) I’m so sorry. (Then I look to the DM) Do I still get my cleave?
It took us forever to determine weather he was still alive since we were laughing so hard. Luckily he didn’t die and we were able to finish the guys off. I still get a big smile on my face when I think about it.
Holy hell! Three thousand posts?! Over 100 pages!? This thread will never die!
One word: Lich.
:D
One word: Lich.
:D
Better word: Pseudodracodemilich. Nothing like being immune to weapon damage.
My appologies Jarii246, I overreated and I feel that you were attacked unnessisarily.
Better word: Pseudodracodemilich. Nothing like being immune to weapon damage.
better word. Troll monster of legend (acid immunity and fire subtype) lich.
nothing like being immune to damage of any kind.
Jarii246:
I may be wrong, but I dont think I am, but the second link in your sgniture...
It seams to open up a viris or something.
I checked it, and suddenly I've got about 10 windows open, wanna explain that?
I'm really glad I've already set up enough blockers and other protection on my computer. I hope that it blocked it all.
Just to state it clearly, I'm reporting this incident. Hopefully, it was just a misunderstanding, but I dont think so.
I definitly think you may have something wrong with your browser. I have used those exact same links on several different machines and had no problems. I used IE 6, IE 7, and FireFox, no issues. You should definitly scan your machine for viruses/spyware. Sorry that happened to ya.
better word. Troll monster of legend (acid immunity and fire subtype) lich.
nothing like being immune to damage of any kind.
Blast of Sand, Greater Disrupt Undead, any healing spell, various "instakill" spells.
Nothing is immune to everything. If anything was, it would get errata'd.
But it would make for a great high level challenge.
Friend: "I use my rope to try and trip it."
DM: "The rope burns up."
We still make fun of him.
Me: So I thought up another good adventure idea last night.
player: *Cringes*
Me: What? I said adventure not trap. (I've been making some annoying traps for them lately)
Player: Any idea you have that makes you smile like that makes us cringe.
Me: I'm not an evil DM am I?
Player: You're rubbing your hands together and laughing maniacally, does that answer your question?
Me
We where playing 2nd ed I was a Dwarf cleric/fighter freind was playing a Elf Archer we had found an arrow odf slaying but did not know.
Burst into the Drown temple to Lioth everyone but me and Archer fail there saves so are domanated Archer gse I fire the Arrow of slaying at the Drwon Queen BTW what is it DM rolls dice erh Drow Queen fails save dies next action is me I call on my god to clease this place of evil. DN ok on a 1 on a D100 that wolrks clatter 01 who whoo climaticv battle over in 2 actions day save DM ******
Uh huh? I don't mean to offend but, ya might want to slow down and make sure what your typing is understandable to everyone.
We where playing 2nd ed I was a Dwarf cleric/fighter and a friend was playing an elf archer. We had found an arrow of slaying but did not know what it would kill.
Burst into the Drow temple to Lloth. Everyone but the archer and I fail thier saves so are dominated. The archer went and fired the arrow of slaying at the Drow Queen. The Dm rolled a save for the drow priestess, and promptly died. I was next in the initiative order, so I call on my god to clense this place of evil. The Dm rolled a 1 on d100, that works clatter 01 who whoo the climatic battle ended in 2 actions, and the Dm was very mad at that.
I took a guess at what he meant....
The Cast:
Glinfaëwyn- CN Elven Rogue
Cuddles- LN (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Barbed Devil
Castus- LG Pevishann Sorcerer
Kano- N Elven Fighter, mute
Barsad- LG Elven Paladin
Seeking information from an old guy in a hut in the zombie-infested desert, the heroes find themselves welcomed and plied with stew. Castus's familiar starts to eat it, and it is revealed to be poisoned.
Glin: But, why would you want to poison us?
DM (me): The old man laughs harshly and throws off his cloak. As he does so, the skull pops from the old man's head: It is Mapleskull, the ghost and your old enemy, using a zombie body to impersonate a human! Bwahahaha!
Cuddles: He's wearing a zombie... THAT'S JUST SICK!
Later, the heroes have received a message from the BBEG to meet him in the old arena, where he once held them captive.
DM: In the center of the arena floor, you see a sign covered in writing that you can't make out from this distance.
Glin: We go over to tee what it says.
DM: The sign says "I can't believe you fell for it." Make a Reflex save.
They fell four stories into the middle of a summoning circle designed to trap both the PCs and the demon being summoned. It traps creatures of every alignment except True Neutral.
BBEG: Oh come forth, servant of my master! Devour their souls, mighty Babutheroth!
Glin: OOC
Babutheroth! That's the silliest name I've ever heard!Cuddles: OOC I feel sorry for what he must've gone through in Middle School.
Castus:OK, My familiar (N) has escaped the barrier and gone into the storage room while the battle rages. Ehat does he see?
DM: A lot of crates and barrels, and a large, glowing staff shaped like an Ankh.
Glin: (Metagaming) Ooh! An Ank ether means healing, resurrection, or fertility!
Cuddles: OOC Yay, a staff of baby-making!
The familiar tries to drag the staff back to the battle, but it's going slowly. Kano, the only other N character, rushes out to help. Finally, they get it back to the battle and hand it to Glin.
Barsad: OOC Quick! Hit the demon with it and make him pregnant!
Cuddles: OOC That would just make it bloated and ittitable.
Castus: These runes say it's a Staff of Healing!
Barsad: Heal me then!
Glin: How do I do that? Do I hit you with the staff?
Cuddles: OOC Whack-a-Paladin! :D
Glin: *Rolls Use Magic Device* Uhm... I failed the DC by 10.
DM: You lose one charge and... let's see...
Castus: OOC Please don't heal the demon... please don't heal the demon!
DM: No, I'll be nice. Barsad, instead of being healed, you find yourself covered from head to toe in linen bandages. They're wrapped across your eyes, up your nose, in your mouth, down your pants, everywhere. The demon spends a move action laughing.
Barsad::raincloud Never. Heal. Me. Again.
Cuddles: OOC Yay, a staff of baby-making!
That would make be a Phalacy ... or if it belonged to a mage called Stormwind, it's the Stormwind Phalacy!
this one was in castle ravenloft my rogue, oth, was paying a vist to the shop keeper after hours >.> (turns out the incompleate sun sword was in unknowingly in his possion) after making it past the first door he made his way to the back vault (our mage had indicated a very strong magic coming from it earlier) so he starts working on the door
Me: ok. search of 27 to find traps on the door?
DM: you notice a very complex trap set with a baleful polymorph spell
Me: pfft no problem i got this. *rolls his disable device, the dice turn up a 1*
Me as oth: *Click* "opp-" *proptly turns into a rabbit with class lvls*
Failed the fort but passed the will lol. so i retainted all my human knowlege and skills the jokes were endless from then on x.x
my other is a bit shorter. we were running a custom game heading through a passage underground our characters were 2 rogue assassins, a straight up halfling rogue, and a not so sublte fighter (dont ask). so we just finished a epic battle with a crazy underdark octipus thing (cant remember the name) and it falls to the ground from the celeling, we hear a rumble and the floor strats to cave in.
Me to our HL rogue: Great...you just HAD to be a halfling...
HL rogue: It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Fighter PC: Dont worry guys, i can get us out of this.
Fighter: *picks up the halfling and trys to stuff her in the bag of holding*
DM: your serious? you know theres no air in a bag of holding right?
Fighter PC: i give her a reed to breath out of
Straight laughing for about 10 mintues...until we relaized the bag closes all the way and found a dead halfling rogue floating around inside the bag. then we laughed harder =3
Don't you get like, half an hour of air or something in a bag of holding?
Some people think it counts as a hollow extraplanar space which is basically like a pocket Astral and go so far as to turn the larger ones into actually inhabitable rooms, others regard it as a zero-point nonspace where only the things put inside it exist, and for most groups it never comes up and no one ever thinks about it.
EDIT: Corrected a 'I don't think it's defined' line thanks to PsychoticPsymon's next post.
... If a bag of holding is turned inside out, its contents spill out, unharmed, but the bag must be put right before it can be used again. If living creatures are placed within the bag, they can survive for up to 10 minutes, after which time they suffocate. Retrieving a specific item from a bag of holding is a move action-unless the bag contains more than an ordinary backpack would hold, in which case retrieving a specific item is a full-round action.
Yeap. Some groups need to start reading.
Dwarven Prince: Okay, I'm flying. Am I still naked and glowing?
Nowadays, my D&D group go to the local College Union's 24 hour study area to play our games. However, since many of us live all around town, that typically means someone has to drive around, pick everyone up, then we all head over to the College Union's parking lot and promptly enter an almost literal demolition derby in an attempt to find a parking space.
However, this one time, we found the parking lot top be mysteriously empty...
Me: Oh wow! Parking spaces as far as the eye can see!
Pal 1: We won't have to traverse as far!
Everyone: Hurrah!
Pal 2: Wonder why no one's here.
Me: Well, the activity board up there says... HIV Awareness Meeting Tonight...
Everyone:...
Pal 2: So everyone's busy not getting informed about HIV?
Me: Rather sad when you think about it.
Pal 1: Let's go attend the meeting!
Pal 2: Why?
Me: Obviously to show how D&D doesn't spread HIV! Or drugs!
Pal 2: D&D is my anti-drug!
Okay, it was funny at the time. But all of us had a somewhat twisted sense of humor.
I eventualy escaped.... if you were wondering....
The first one occured before before i even joined the group but was still funny, the where playing wheel of time, and apperently they where fighting some creatures that kind of feared or recoiled from light so they had a small fire going but it wasnt holding them back very far and they wernt doing so good, so, one of the members throws a flask of oil at them and it breaks splashing everywhere and over a couple of the party, then another player gets the bright idea that a bigger fire my help, so the character tosses a small bench onto the fire creating sparks and ingniting several of the part members on fire, they all servived but nobody trusted him with oil again.
The second was after i joined the group not long before we switched to dnd, we were going towards a tower and as we got close we got attacked by a swarm of rats, my being the wilder (mage in wheel of time) i cast ward against shadowspawn and because rats where shadowspawn they couldnt get through, but thier where so many the where pileing up over the dome fo the spell, and i decided we werent killing them fast enough (and i admit this was my mistake) but i cast blade of fire on my staff knowing that fire would help kill them faster, 1 of my friends realized what i was doing and tried to do a reflex to prevent me from hitting them but he failed, so i light them on fire and it repidly spread, the problem was though once the rats are dead they are nolonger shadowspawn so we had flaming rats falling in around us, with very little air now that the covered the dome, finally we managed to hack away enough to get out, but 1 ended up getting stuck in the pile and we barely managed to dig him out of the burning rats, then as we got even closer to the tower we got attacked by crows, me and 1 other went down, but the others managed to get into the tower and cover the doorway, then to rescue use they got a tent out and slowly walked out all inside the tent, several broke thourgh but our big guy (i dont remember what the race was called) killed the ones that got through, but in the end they managed to rescue us.
The third i can think of was durring a mini adventure cause we didnt have full party members this one is kind of fuzzy but ill try and describe it, we where fighting in something like a arena, several of us went down after a while the last 3 ended up in a room with a shiny stone in the middle, all 3 rushed for it, the big guy got to it first, the wilder preped a grinade spell on his arrow and fired on the guy who was like a rogue, the rogue dodged, spun around jabed his dagger in the big ones foot and pinned him to the floor, the arrow inpacted on him and killed him and splattering pieces of flesh everywhere, the rogue grabed the stone and managed to kill the wilder but the 1 guy was so ticked that he pinned his foot to the floor so he couldnt dodge.
The next 1 i can remember was in DnD this wasnt too long ago, we where trying to rescue a friend who had been captured in the night for insulting a dragon hunter, we finally finished of the guards and presued him to a building and went in, thier was a long hallway, my friend and i went to the end and started searching thier, a few others searched the other rooms, and the last few went into the first room, in that room they saw several statues sitting around a table with cards and coins on the table, so 1 of the makes the dumb mistake of TAKING THE COINS OFF THE TABLE, suddenly the statues and furnature comes alive, the others back out of the room and close the door leaving the 1 who took the coins to fight off statues and furinture for several rounds before he did the 1 smart thing and threw the coins back on the table and all the statues and stuff went back to normal, after that the others came back in, and this time it was someone elses turn to do a dumb thing, HE CHARGED AND STRUCK 1 OF THE STATUES, this of course brought everything back to life and the fight continued for quite a while, then it was the next persons turn, she light the animated cabinet on fire, you can see what happend next after several round it did die but she nearly died to just from the fire damage durring the fight, but we did end up making it out of thier.
The last 1 was just recently, we were on a boat that i owned and commanded and we where sailing between some islands, we came under attack by some pirates, we managed to take out the ones on the deck with arrows, so i steared the ship along right next to it so that it wasnt even 5 feet away, so the entire crew was going over to check the other ship, but one of the guys decides he is going to do a jump check, the dm says you know you could just walk over right? he says ya but i want to do it anyway, so he rolls a 3 and falls between the ships, but manages a reflex to grab the netting and climb back up, by this time the entire group cant stop laughing that he failed a jump check and fell when he could have walked across, we ended up having to stop thier for the session cause after that we couldnt do much else but laugh.
(arena is two stages facing each other, with a lowered area in the middle, keeping the two contestants away from each other. The entire area is surrounded by a ring of lava)
*sees 10 orcs looking up at him, apparently waiting for something*
*sees a sorcerer on the other "stage" of the room, concentrating*
Bard: awww crud...
Orcs: BLOOD!!!
Bard: ummm...*charms an orc*
Orc: *crits the orc next to him then goes down*
Bard: *repeats until out of Charms*
Remaining 6 orcs: BLOOD!!!!! *starts advancing*
Bard: Casts light on an orcs nose
Orc: *slaps his own nose, dealing unarmed strike damage to himself*
Bard: hmmm....*repeats on the next 4 orcs*
Last orc: (small voice) blood?
*bard casts ghost sound*
"BOO"
*Orc runs screaming into the lava ring*
OOC:
DM: :OMG!
The first one occured before before i even joined the group but was still funny, the where playing wheel of time...
I really didn't like the way they handled WoT, with the limited magic and all... I think if you replaced it with the Star Wars Saga system, though, it would be awesome! (In SWS, minor force skills like moving small objects are a use of the Use The Force skill. More significant force abilities are handled using a variant of the Book of Nine Swords maneuver system and d20 Modern-style talent trees. SWS is going to be AWESOME.
)...actually, that would work really well for any magic system that doesn't explicitly limit daily uses...
Let's see. I've been giving PnP games my best shot since 98' or so. Most of my parties have been Hackin' Slashers, but the occasional gem pops up.
Mini-adventure I DMed, better out of context.
Me: "Well, gentlemen, that's the second time today that you've robbed a bank... By ACCIDENT."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Non-D&D, (Macross) This one had a couple of good ones. I was responsible for a few
DM: So, you're checking out the bars, looking for the squad you've been assigned to?
Reporter (me): Yup, if they're not around here, I'll just bomb around on my motorcycle for the rest of the night picking up ch-
DM: *dice roll* Uh, someone stole it when you were in the last bar.
Me: Son of a *****!
=======
I finally find them gambling in a sports bar, and I'm the only one who spots one of them cheating (and winning). I saunter up to the table, they recognize me, having been briefed that a reporter would be joining them. After a bit, the waitress comes by to get us more drinks and food.
Waitress: Hello gentlemen, what can I get you this evening?
(Various orders, mostly booze and wings)
Me: Hmm, I'll have the special, he's paying *points at J, the cheater*
Oddly enough, we wound up being the only party members to get along. Honour among thieves?
=======
(After nearly dying by pulling a daring stunt to make a distraction and draw everyone's fire)
DM: The mechanics who have spent ALL night rebuilding your ship from around the cockpit glare at you. Their lead comes over to you and in a dark tone mutters to you. "If you ever pull a stunt like that again, not only will we not repair your ship, but I will personally jettison you into space when you sleep."
Me: Fair enough.
=======
At one point, we were sick of being CONSTANTLY being sent on suicide missions. We were discussing going AWOL, and our commander blurted out this wonderful line.
"Dragon": "That's IT! I've had it with them trying to kill us! Nobody kills us but me!"
Party: ...
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little bit later I got into a group at university. We were a motley lot of drunken engineers, so, of course there were... moments. We also had an 8 person party, so combat was tedious.
The cast
Origionals:
Kinashmond'manosh'banend ("Ash") - LG Human Paladin. switched players hands at one point.
Gabrial Barracchus (Fathers initials were 'B.A', yes THAT B.A.) - CG Human Fighter/Rogue gunning for Dread Pirate. Despises Ash.
Hogar Scraigsthony the third - Token CN Half-orc barbarian. Good buddies with Gabe (Similar intelligence)
Darro - N Human Thief. Constantly falling into plotholes (Was there maybe half the time)
Eri - CG Exalted Catfolk Bard (me) working towards Sublime Chord (never made it). Useless in combat past Inspire Confidence. Great in non-combat situations though. (Meaning useless in this campaign :P)
(Joined later)
Vance - Utterly generic 45 year old human villager. CG Monk/Cleric/Sacred Fist. Our 'voice of reason'
Prince Yule Tyde - Red and Green (groan) wearing N Elven Bow ranger. Tended to sit quietly listening to music, and solve EVERY puzzle.
Grib - Utterly fire obsessed CN Gnome Evoker. Was going for a prestige class that lets him weave many spells together into a massive deathgasm.
Kinashmond'manosh'banend ("Ash") - LG Human Paladin. switched players hands at one point.
Gabrial Barracchus (Fathers initials were 'B.A', yes THAT B.A.) - CG Human Fighter/Rogue gunning for Dread Pirate. Despises Ash.
Hogar Scraigsthony the third - Token CN Half-orc barbarian. Good buddies with Gabe (Similar intelligence)
Darro - N Human Thief. Constantly falling into plotholes (Was there maybe half the time)
Eri - CG Exalted Catfolk Bard (me) working towards Sublime Chord (never made it). Useless in combat past Inspire Confidence. Great in non-combat situations though. (Meaning useless in this campaign :P)
(Joined later)
Vance - Utterly generic 45 year old human villager. CG Monk/Cleric/Sacred Fist. Our 'voice of reason'
Prince Yule Tyde - Red and Green (groan) wearing N Elven Bow ranger. Tended to sit quietly listening to music, and solve EVERY puzzle.
Grib - Utterly fire obsessed CN Gnome Evoker. Was going for a prestige class that lets him weave many spells together into a massive deathgasm.
We were playing 2nd edition. I was a Dwarf cleric/fighter, and a friend was playing a Elf Archer. We had found an Arrow of Slaying but did not know what it did.
We burst into the Drow temple to Lloth, and everyone but the Archer and I fail their saves against being dominated. The Archer fired the Arrow of Slaying at the Drow Queen.
"BTW what is it?" I ask
The DM rolls dice and the Drow Queen fails her save and dies. The next action is mine and I call on my god to cleanse this place of evil. The DM okayed this request and rolled a 1 on a D100. That works wonders!
Woohoo! The climatic battle over in 2 actions! We saved the day but my DM was ******
I think I fixed this one.
Usual suspects:
- Male Human Warblade w/ Tiger Stance, and Steely Strike (me)
- Female Drow Ranger (lovingly nicknamed the Drow Bondage Porn Diva :P by the rest of the group; btw player is female)
- Male Gnome Wizard, specializing in Conjuration spells, particularly the Summon Monster series.
The Sitch: Battling a pack of hobgoblins. Drow Ranger got flanked by a pair of hobgoblins, and after a couple of nasty hits was in danger of being dropped, and so cries out for help. I notice this, so on my turn use a swift action to shift to Tiger Stance (+10 to Jump checks, and am treated as though I have a running start), move action to Jump, rolling more than well enough to plant myself adjacent to the Drow and her two attackers. Standard action to use Steely Strike to attack both hobgoblins, both drop (Greatsword + Power Attack = damage!)
Gnome's Player (to DM): Wait a sec! Since when could she cast Summon Beatstick?!"
Took us a few minutes to regain our composure.
*snip*
Bard: ummm...*charms an orc*
Orc: *crits the orc next to him then goes down*
Bard: *repeats until out of Charms*
*snip*
Doesn't work. Your DM fails teh DnD. The orc hears what you said in the most favorable way. Doesn't mean he kills his allies.
My Ogre Barbarian with 9 CHA goes to a tavern and tries to pick up some barmaids. His pick-up line was "Mok Proportional!"
Awesome.
We got, um, "rolling endowment" rules at most of the games I'm in. So I've been in a group with Kickstand the Halfling and Tripod the Gnome...
The party got into a fire fight with an unknown band down the hallway. Eventually we start running.
DM: You all reach a door at the end of the hallway. You see a grenade land in front of the party. Hygiene officer, you're up. What's your action?
Hygeine Officer: Is the door locked?
DM: Yep.
Hygeine Officer: Fetal position.
All break out laughing, DM awards 5 perversity points to the hygiene officer.
DM: Happiness officer, you're up next.
Happiness Officer: I attempt to vaporize the grenade by shooting it with my plasma pistol.
DM: Okay... roll high.
Everybody who still has perversity points adds them to the happiness officer's roll. The hygiene officer adds 5. Grenade vaporized.
This was a game of paranoia, which is an Orwellian modern setting. The DM gives you pervesity points every time you sufficiently entertain him, etc. You may spend them to add or subtract up to 5 from any d20 roll. We go on, "troubleshooting missions."
The party got into a fire fight with an unknown band down the hallway. Eventually we start running.
DM: You all reach a door at the end of the hallway. You see a grenade land in front of the party. Hygiene officer, you're up. What's your action?
Hygeine Officer: Is the door locked?
DM: Yep.
Hygeine Officer: Fetal position.
All break out laughing, DM awards 5 perversity points to the hygiene officer.
DM: Happiness officer, you're up next.
Happiness Officer: I attempt to vaporize the grenade by shooting it with my plasma pistol.
DM: Okay... roll high.
Everybody who still has perversity points adds them to the happiness officer's roll. The hygiene officer adds 5. Grenade vaporized.
I swear I've seen this elsewhere in the thread...
Awesome.
We got, um, "rolling endowment" rules at most of the games I'm in. So I've been in a group with Kickstand the Halfling and Tripod the Gnome...
*laughs so hard he almost wets himself*
“Well, another thing we could do, before we go to sleep, I can cast Prying Eyes.”
“Pervert.”
“If you’re gonna do that, check out what Genna is doing.”
And another line:
"Wait, you could scry the INSIDE OF MY PANTS?"
"Well, I'd have to become familiar with it first."
The rogue to the diviner, watching the diviner play with a pair of DnD mini's.
"Dude stop fooling around with your familiar!"
"I'm not! .... He's occupying my square."
Recently another ex-gamer friend of ours went around telling people to drop out of my campaign so that someone else could DM a game they play twice a week in my timeslot. The idiot apparently failed to realize that the 7 other players like my campaign, and a few came forward to tell me about his actions.
The player from my last post, Sagitar, was an enemy of the player's IG (in game). After a small OOG ritual involving smearing food on his character sheet and having the fellow party members shred the sheet, Sagitar's player arrives and I begin speaking.
Me: "Sagitar! The druid is napping. His stupid dog (We call it a dog, it's a wolf) isn't moving. A heart attack or something."
Jargis (Ranger 2): "NO! I wanted to kill it!"
Me: "Oh, nevermind, go ahead."
(Note: I go to a predominantly african american college. 'Running pockets' means to empty your bags.)
Sagitar: "I run his pockets. What do I find?"
Me: "(Long list of garbage) and a barrel of oil from when you guys burned down Kaiga."
Sagitar (:D): "I empty the barrel of oil on his body and light it up."
So it was ruled he died from massive burns.
Anyway, later in the session...
Another gem from Elkantar, drow duskblade 2. The party immolated the major crop-producing township in the nation and are seeking retribution for warding off a small army of orcs. In the process they had also burned down a livestock barn. (This is an especially large group). The party comes up on a large walled capital city, Vaiga (yes, the similarity in the names is painful IG).
Guards stop them because spies from another nation have been causing problems within.
Elk: "We want to get in."
Me: "Guard says; 'We can't let you in, there's been some problems'."
Elk: "But we saved the city of Kaiga! We fought off an orc army!"
Note: Messengers had passed them on the way.
Me: "Guard replies; 'From what I've heard, Kaiga was burned to the ground and the country faces crisis'."
Elk: (desperate and fast) "Yeah, we know! The orcs were launching burning catapult rounds into the city! They lit the crops on fire and burned down the barn. One of my men got burned to death!"
Stopped the session for a minute or two. I dunno if it translated well to text :/ .
I once had a wizard scry on an enemy as it was sneaking up behind him. I said "you see your own back, getting closer and closer." I know scry dosen't let you see things from the target's point of view, but that was too good to pass up. The guy playing the wizard thought about it for a few seconds and then freaked out. It was great.
How does he know what his own back looks like? I couldn't pick my back out of a line-up, and I live in a century when mirrors are cheap and video cameras are common...
How does he know what his own back looks like? I couldn't pick my back out of a line-up, and I live in a century when mirrors are cheap and video cameras are common...
...Maybe he'd been scrying on himself previously? :D
Now there's paranoia for ya.
I'll wager the clothing was a big tipoff, and the visible surroundings too[/QUOTE
Yeah. I'm pretty sure if I described the clothes you're wearing and the computer and desk you're sitting at, you would figure out I'm talking about you.
Me (DM): I'm officially banning you from playing a catfolk in any game that I run, the voice freaks me out too much.
G: I'm pretty sure he can make most races disturbing.
Me: Good point - from now on, you're only allowed to play a sane, Lawful Good human.
T:(Still engrossed in spell list) Ooh, Speak with Plants!
=================
Same session, during the game. PCs have monumentally cocked up a good-intentioned robbery and ended up killing the High Priest of Heironeous. All hell has broken loose and the captain of the guard (an ally of the PCs) is giving them a chance to get the hell out of there without making it look obvious.
G (Sorcerer): Okay, there's no way I can get past all the guards at the door, I'll try and jump through the window. *rolls badly*
Me: Okay... You leap, catch your foot on the window ledge and crash headfirst through the glass taking... 4 points of damage as you cut your head open and... 5 points of subdual damage as you hit the floor on the other side.
G: Ooh, but I'm through? Great!
A (Rogue): I'll try the same thing at the nearest window, I've got a pretty good jump bonus. *rolls a natural 1*
Me: Oof, unlucky, you twist your ankle as you start the leap, but the momentum from running up to the window carries you through, you take 3 damage from the glass and another 3 subdual as you land heavily.
J (fighter): *ends up doing the same thing*.
T: *Gyllan, his character, has literally just joined the party before they murdered his High Priest and crashed unceremoniously through the temple windows, landing in heaps on the floor outside. Comes out with another line to rival his already-standing quote of the session*
'I don't do what they did.'
This came to symbolise his philosophy towards the group in general.
============
Not actually a D&D quote as such, but happened just before we started a session. I don't normally quote myself, but this one got a pretty good laugh.
A: (Reflecting on some of her more dubious recent decisions in life in general) My friends have actually made a rather large list of things I'm not allowed to do.
G: Dare we ask what's on it?
Me: *level tone, without looking up from laptop* Names.
The Wizard ->"When fighting we proved our mettle."
The Paladin ->"Yeah, and none of us even fell over, that's abnormal."
And now, my uncle's whispered line from a dark underground cavern as thin wooden humanoids come forward out of the mist around us...
"I see tree people"
I have no clue why, but it had me rolling on the ground tearing, and most of the table was similar.
Also from that group, the party had just fought a ghast on a staircase. The conversation happened a while ago, so its kinda paraphrased.
DM: So the ghast's body sits there stinking on the staircase, in your way.
Sorcha (human fighter): I don't want to smell that... I jump high over it, out of the sphere of the stench. *nat 20*
DM:You perform a somersaulting leap, flourishing each of your swords as you fly through the air (she was decked out like a pincushion with at least one of almost every sword in the PHB, two of most, and the exotic weapon proficiencies needed to use them) and land neatly at the bottom of the staircase
*(this was 3.0 rules, and my halfling rogue was headin towards thief-acrobat and had a ring of jumping and boots of S&S, so had around a +40 jump with speed 40)*
My halfling rogue:Hey, I can do that too! *nat 1* bleaagh!
Sadly, that is the best I can remember at the moment from three years of D&D... mostly cuz i switched groups in the fall, and hadn't played much the previous summer so don't remember many specifics about my old group, and my new groups' games move kinda... slow... lots of new players, so a lot of teaching the game goes on...
DM: Suddenly, you hear the glass case shatter!
Sorcerer Player: *Farts*
DM:...No, that's not what it sounds like.
Sorcerer's Player: Oil of Slipperiness. What a great name! I wish I had that name...
Paladin (to BBEG): You know, I think you're even scarier when you're being honest than you are when you're trying to manipulate us.
BBEG: *Doing his best Optimus Prime impression* That's how I roll.
Anyway!
The cast:
Olaf: CE Dwarven Crusader. Total berserker. Has a penchant for genocidal actions and a an inability to think things through.
Nayaire: NE Human Druid. Sadistic. Hates gods and other beings that try to submit nature. Given our mission makes us meet gods often, he's lightning-zapped regularly. Has a fleshraker named Kit.
Trosky Stonehard: CN Half-giant psywarrior. Serious ADD. To quote Vaarsuvius, his intelligence could be compared unfavorably to that of a table. Has a history of being able to miss the broad side of a barn in melee combat.
Tim: NE Wizard. Resident powerhungry wizard. Not actively evil, merely ruthless.
----------------------------------------------
We have just entered a mansion where, supposedly, some heads of the smuggler's organization we had been pursuing lately should be crashing. Of course, the first room is a pit trap, and we all end up inside a cell in the basement.
Tim: Well, crap. I told you we should have hired a trapfinder. Now how the hell do we get out of here?
Nayaire: There are no corpses here, meaning they get people out for some reason. They will come for us eventually, and we'll slaughter them. I'm in no hurry. *sits down*
Trosky: Trosky not wait! Trosky be hard as stone! (Incidentally, that be why Trosky be named like that). Trosky break puny cell! *attempts strenght check, fails* Unnggh... gahh...
Trosky: *looks menacingly at the jailbars* Trosky not be so gentle next time, bars!
-------------------------------------
After that failed attempt...
Trosky's player (OOC): Trosky picks up a stone and starts mashing at the door's lock with it.
DM: Ummm... where the hell are you going to find a stone inside a cell?
Olaf's player (OOC): Hey, that's not so bad an idea. I pick another stone and help him.
DM: But I told you, there's no stones!
Trosky's player, half IC, half OOC: Trosky break chunk of wall for him and dwarf!
DM: It's a god-damned circular cage in the middle of a room! There's no stone wall to break!
Trosky and Olaf's players (OOC) (smashing at the table): Then we start smashing at the ground! WE WANT ROCKS!
DM, now half ticked off and half laughing: There's no ground either! You're all floating now!
Olaf's player (OOC): Whoa, dwarf balloon. Cool.
Trosky's player (OOC): Trosky extends his arms and shouts "TROSKY BELIEVE HE CAN FLY!"
-------------------------------------------
Eventually, a group of elves comes down and tries to subdue us to take us we don't know where. Of course, they are slaughtered easily, and we escape to the upper levels, trying to find someone.
DM: you smash the door down. Inside, there's a man in a black robe, sitting in front of a desk and writing something. It's obvious you have caught him by surprise. He looks pretty harmless.
Olaf: I charge him! Battle leader's charge! *rolls, crits with greataxe, over 90 damage easily*
DM, looking strange: ...Okay, Olaf charges across the room, and with a mighty blow sunders both the desk and the man in half, sending them across the room in a chaos of splinters and guts.
Olaf's player (OOC): Yeah! Who da dwarf?
Me (OOC): ...we just killed the plot NPC we were supposed to interrogate, right?
DM: Yeah, pretty much.
Me to Olaf's player (OOC): I'd feed you to Kit for that, but I make a point to keep his diet healthy.
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, we get the guy's safebox and head out. In the inn, we wonder how in the Nine Hells we're opening it, seeing it's withstood a direct hit form Olaf without a scratch. A halfling rogue offers to open it for us.
Rogue: I could open it for you... for half the price of whatever's inside.
Nayaire: Just say yes and get over with this damn thing already.
Olaf player (OOC): The hell I'm saying yes! He's ripping us off!
Olaf: Twenty five percent and that's it!
Rogue: I'm not willing to go lower my prices
Olaf: Thirty percent!
Rogue: Forty then.
Olaf: Okay, fifty and that's a last!
*whole table erupts in laughter. Olaf's player looks dumbfounded for a second until he realizes he's tied his tongue*
*DM is stifling laughter at this point* Rogue: Fine by me. Shall we get going, then?
Olaf' player (OOC): Crap! Wait! I didn't say that part aloud! I didn't...!
Me (OOC): Don't sweat it, man. We all know math isn't Olaf's forte :P
--------------------------------------
We end up killing the rogue after he opens the box. But we knew he had friends down in the bar, so we couldn't just take his corpse out.
Me: I take out my cloak and put the corpse on it to avoid blood staining the floor. We want to leave as little trace of this as possible.
Tim (to Olaf): Yeah, bright idea there, killing him while his friends are waiting below.
Olaf: No matter! We just have to find a way to sneak him past them.
Tim: Yeah, well, if you have an idea, you better start talking.
Trosky: Why not just put halfling inside box? Box black and hard, people can't see insides.
Nayaire: ...Trosky, that was the best idea you've had in this whole thing. Just for that, I'm going to supress that thing I said earlier I'd do.
Trosky: Yay! Trosky not going to have his toes exter... extor... exti-thingy that sounded very painful! (of course, the word is "extirpated" :P)
---------------------------------------
DM: You find that the corpse doesn't fit inside the safebox.
Olaf: Damn!
Me: Wait a sec... I might be able to solve this. I dismember the corpse with my scimitar, and then roll Knowledge: Tetris to fit the pieces inside the box. Is a 18 enough?
----------------------------------------
Once the corpse has been fit inside the box, Trosky, being the biggest and strongest, is tasked with carrying it to the docks and throwing it in the sea. So picture it, a half-giant in a full plate carrying around a blood-dripping safebox on his back in classic Obelix style. The door to the Dock District is closed until next dawn.
Trosky: Let Trosky through! Trosky has to deliver package at dock!
Guard: Sorry, but we're gonna need to see the content then. There's been smugglers lately around here.
Everyone OOC: Crap. We didn't think of that.
DM: Which is rather surprising, given you've been pursuing those same smugglers for a week now
.Me (OOC): Hey, you can't expect us to remember every organization we slaughter for money! The human brain has a limit of a few terabytes of information, you know!
----------------------------------------
Later, at the city hall...
DM: You see the chancellor (dunno how to translate the term, basically, the right hand of the guy in charge). He is dressed in luxurious clothes, and heads towards you with a perceptible disgust. Okay, who's going to speak?
Tim (OOC): Who has the highest Diplomacy modifier?
Me (OOC): That'd be me
DM: ...Am I the only one who finds the fact that the most diplomatic person in the party is a sociopathic druid who feeds his animal companion with choice bits of human children to be somewhat unsettling?
Me (OOC): Yep, pretty much :D
----------------------------------------
Anyway, we start talking:
Chancellor: So, what can you tell me about your... assignation?
Trosky: It be fun! We get to float inside of cages and carry boxes with little halfling in them!
Chancellor: Uh?
Nayaire: *hits Trosky in groin with staff* Please, give us a moment. *Takes Trosky behind a column and whispers to him*
Nayaire: Can you hear me, Trosky?
Trosky: *a bit greenish* Yes, Trosky hears
Nayaire: Okay, then listen to this. If you open your mouth again while we are inside this building, I'm going to create a mass of briars with foot-lenght thorns, animate it, then order it to repeteadly tentacle-**** you through every orifice in your body in such a painful way that the sickest of hentai will seem child's play in comparison. Did I make myself clear?
Trosky's player: O.O...Trosky whimpers and lays on the floor in fetal position, weeping silently in abject terror.
Nayaire: That will do.
Then he proceeds to go back to the chancellor.
DM: the man looks at you, and then at Trosky, completely dumbfounded by the sight of a 20-Str, 9-feet-tall Half-giant laying in the ground trembling.
Chancellor: ...Just what is going on here?
Nayaire: Nothing. Pay no attention to the oaf behind the column.
Gotta go now, tomorrow more ;).
Drascin, your translation was perfect and hilarious! Two big thumbs up, hilarious group.
Here's another one: the party cleric had a dream that told the party they were to go to Nearest Coast Beach (yes, it was really called that) for unknown reasons. Also, you should know that our BBEG, AKA "Master Kain," was a cloaked figure with blond hair who always wore an iron mask. Once we were there at the beach...
DM: Several mermaids pop up out of the ocean and steady themselves on rocks near the shore. They start singing...
Cleric:...My dream led me here to listen to mermaid songs?
DM:
"There's a hole in the bottom of the sea,
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea,
there's a hole,
there's a hole,
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea."
Paladin: What a waste of time...
DM:
"There's a door in the hole in the bottom of the sea,
There's a door in the hole in the bottom of the sea,
there's a hole,
There's a hole,
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea."
Sorcerer: Why are we still listening to this?
DM:
"There's a secret underground base behind the door in the hole in the bottom of the sea,
There's a secret underground base behind the door in the bottom of the sea,
there's a hole,
there's a hole,
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea."
Paladin: Hold on a minute...
DM: "There's a man with blond hair wearing an iron mask hiding out in the secret underground base behind the door in the hole in bottom of the sea,
There's a man with blond hair wearing an iron mask hiding out in the secret underground base behind the door in the hole in bottom of the sea,
there's a hole,
there's a hole,
there's a hole in the bottom of the sea."
Cleric: Okay, I get it now. But that's still the worst plot-hook ever.
We choose not to host a direct assault, instead sneaking through the old tunnels into the old temple.
We fight a Sharite scouting party in the old tunnels, beat them handily and whip them into surrender, then we proceed further in, towards the Lolthian temples, after advising them that if they valued their lives, they'd run towards our side's stronghold and surrender. Better that than being flayed alive by the Sharite priests.
So we get into the old temple, beat up some "Gravehounds", and our Dread Necromancer, who has been Rule-0'd to be allowed to be Good to fit in with the party (and has been the source of numerous problems trying to do Evil things), gets himself a couple as servants. Joy. Now we have intelligent zombie dogs following us around.
So we get into the old temple, and find a giant holy symbol of Lolth half-crumbled. I, being the devoted Cleric of Ehlonna, elfdom in general, Good in particular, finish the job with my sword.
Then a crazed Drider, Cleric to Lolth (high level enough to cast Flamestrike) attacks us, Flamestriking us. We survive, lay the beat down, and eventually knock her out without killing her, at my request.
Then I take my Helmet of Opposite Alignment and start putting it on her and taking it off until she fails a save (the DM just says I basically "Took natural 1", and then I un-insaned her with a Restoration, and restored some of the (many) forms of ability drain she'd suffered.
After the sesh, which the DM ended there, the DM said the following:
(4411) GM: You defeated a boss monster without killing her, and then converted her to your side.
(4411) GM: STOP CONVERTING HIGH LEVEL BAD GUYS TO YOUR SIDE
(4411) GM: Bad players, very bad players!
The Paladin pantomimes curb-stomping a baddie after taking him down.
Mage: That's not very Christian of you...
Paladin: "Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord!"
Mage: Er, you're not Je--
Paladin: I'm doin' the Lord's work!
Anyway, we start talking:
Chancellor: So, what can you tell me about your... assignation?
Trosky: It be fun! We get to float inside of cages and carry boxes with little halfling in them!
Chancellor: Uh?
Nayaire: *hits Trosky in groin with staff* Please, give us a moment. *Takes Trosky behind a column and whispers to him*
Nayaire: Can you hear me, Trosky?
Trosky: *a bit greenish* Yes, Trosky hears
Nayaire: Okay, then listen to this. If you open your mouth again while we are inside this building, I'm going to create a mass of briars with foot-lenght thorns, animate it, then order it to repeteadly tentacle-**** you through every orifice in your body in such a painful way that the sickest of hentai will seem child's play in comparison. Did I make myself clear?
Trosky's player: O.O...Trosky whimpers and lays on the floor in fetal position, weeping silently in abject terror.
Nayaire: That will do.
Then he proceeds to go back to the chancellor.
DM: the man looks at you, and then at Trosky, completely dumbfounded by the sight of a 20-Str, 9-feet-tall Half-giant laying in the ground trembling.
Chancellor: ...Just what is going on here?
Nayaire: Nothing. Pay no attention to the oaf behind the column.
Gotta go now, tomorrow more ;).
wow, great fun.
this is going into my signature.
I'm posting another one!!
Ok, here we go!
The cast:
Bob, two bastard-sword wielding human fighter
Paulina, Human Archivist with a bow
Virga, Halfling Rogue with a bow
Q, Halfling Sorcerer
Elly, Gnome Bard with a bow
(I know, not a lot of melee
)All are Lv. 6
The set-up:
This is a one-shot adventure and all the characters have come to a remote city to investigate tales of a old, underground temple inhabited by Goblins.
They meet at the tavern, etc. etc...
And they head to the temple!
Situation 1) After having defeated a half dozen goblin monks they enter a small side room...
DM: You enter a small side room, about 20 and 15 feet with the far corners rounded into small alcoves.
Piled against the far wall is a huge pile of dirty, stinking goblin cloths. you see socks, shirt, pants and underwear.
Virga: Ohh good! Disguises!
Situation 2) While going down a stone corridor, the party comes across a large stone door with a hefty lock.
Virga: Ok, I'll try to pick the lock. (takes 10)
DM: Alright, you work your tools into the lock but are unable to open the locking mechanism. However, as you work you hear a small click and a whoosh from behind as a arrows shoots out from a hole in the wall behind you!
Virga: AHH!
DM: The arrow strikes you in the leg for 1 damage.
Virga: Oh, ok, that's not soo...
DM: And then you feel the poison that was on the arrow begin to seep into your veins.
3 CON Damage
Virga:
Situation 2.1) After healing that one point of damage, Virga goes at the door again, unlocking it.
Q: Ok Bob, push the door open, while we stay ready for whatever is inside.
Bob: Ok!
DM: alright, bob braces his foot against the door and swings it open, Despite its size, it turns easily on its pivots.
However, as the door swings open, a mass of hidden Runes burst into life all over the door, glowing a deep red.
A small red bead flyies forth from the center of the door, striking Bob in the chest.
Vrga:
Elly:
Paulina:
Bob:
Q:
OH &$*#*!!!!! A Fireball!
DM: the bead explodes in a burst of flames, engulfing the whole corridor.
*reflex saves are rolled*
DM: Bob, Q and Elly manage to protect them selves from some of the blow, but Paulina takes the full brunt of the flames.
Virga, with her nimble Halfing reflex, easily dodges out of the way, no damage.
Situation 2.2) Having healed from the Fireball, they look through the door.
DM: You peer through the door into the room beyond. You see a stone room, 10 by 10 feet and 6 feet high. The floor and walls are bare, smooth stone.
Players: ...
After several death threats towards me, and Elly rolling some attacks rolls to see if she could kill me, they continue.
Q: Ok, sooo... Bob, you go in.
Bob: No way, I got pounded by those Monks, let Virga go.
Virga: No way! I am down to 21 HP thanks to that Poison.
Make Bob go, hes hot lots of HP.
Bob: No way in heck!
So they leave, the door hanging open, never knowing what was in that room :D
I've never scared my players with 600 cubic feet of emptiness before
The prelude: My taking the online D&D ability test.
Me: "According to the test, I've got a Wisdom of 11 and a Charisma of 9. That can't be right; my Wisdom's way lower, and my Charisma's way higher!"
My FR DM: "And that statement proved you right on both counts." :D
quote
Quick background. Forest giants were stomping some small trade towns and heroes are sent to investigate. After a battle with 10 of the creatures, they surrender and tell the party that a dragon had come and claimed their land and they had made sure not to squish anyone when attacking the town.
Party
Kevin: Level 16 Fire Elf archivist/wizard/mystic theurge
Andrew: Level 16 Dwarf Wizard Initiate of the 7 fold veil
Matt: Level 16 Goliath Fighter
Cross: Level 17 Indianna Jones Knockoff Dervish
Abba: Radiant Servant of Pelor cohort inspired by the Richard Harris' character from Count of Monte Cristo
Baba: Namesless npc goat man tracker
We appoach the sleeping dragon in a grotto and discuss coup de gracing the dragon.
Cross: Anyone got a pick?
Moments later we find out it's an illusion. Baba wades out into the water looking for the green dragon's lair. Everyone else is hesitant but the fire elf jumps right in to try out his detect traps spell. Andrew's permanacied arcane sight notices an aura in the water from the abjuration school.
Andrew: Probably an alarm spell.
DM: Do you tell Kevin?
Andrew: No I want to see where this goes.
One alarm later and we hear and see an angry dragon in the distant sky. We get three rounds of prep. Several fly spells and buffs, we have like +5 from various bonuses to everything and everyone's flying but Cross.
Cross wins initiative, does his best Indy and shoots the dragon with his flintlock for a whopping 13 damage.
Matt makes his save against suggestion only because of the prebattle buffs and proceeds to charge with with karmic strike, robilars gambit, and lightning mace style. Gets tail slapped and gets two attacks of opportunity, threatens and gets another attack from lightning mace, crits, and has his charge attack left totalling 200+ damage.
Andrew crits on an orb spell for ridiculous amounts of damage.
Kevin comes up with a great idea to put a wall of force in front of the dragon who's clumsy speed causes him to smash into it, falling to the ground for substantial damage.
The DM decides he must have messed something up with the encounter seeing how this was a CR22 wyrm and has the dragon cast dimension door to escape.
Andrew: He aint getting away. I have a higher caster level than him, I can dimension door farther.
Everyone gives chase by flying except Andrew who dimension doors Cross onto the dragons back. The dragon was 'running' so he was flat footed. Cross proceeds to dervish dance, making the appropriate balance checks to stay on the dragon's back, and kills the dragon. He then rides the thing down to earth making a jump and tumble check at the last second to avoid damage.
Cross' char: That was Awesome! This is what I was brought back for! (Cross character had been true ressed recently after meeting a young Pelor)
cut to treasure counting.
Characters:
Korak: warforged barbarian/WF charger. N, in game only 2 years old.
Dario: Rouge/swashbuckler. CG
Torm: Cleric, LG, swears a lot.
Everyone is about level 7
DM: you come to the hamlet. The place is run down, and the people seem dazed, a bit out of it.
Korak: So, want to pillage it?
Torm: WHAT! YOU THRICE-DAMMED KYBER SPAWN OF A FORGED'!
Dario: No subtlety
Korak: I guess I shouldn't have said that out loud.
Torm's rant was ended prematurely by the appearance of a creepy potion merchant, who offered free samples and foreshadowing.
In the same session, we are talking about the taint rules. Namely, making it so spells can't remove it, but reducing the total amount given.
Korak's player is reluctant, but agrees to the change, leading to the following.
Korak(OOC): If the DM wants to make us into freaks, it's gonna happen either way.
DM: You won't be freaks!
Torm(OOC): yeah, in Droamm.
(For those of you who don't play Eberron, Droamm is the nation of monsters)
11/8/02
After finding out what one player is doing. The Narrator says. 'So the
Crack ***** does...."
A PC finding out that an NPC is his spouse. "My wife? I'm Married?"
The GM commenting about a PC that weighs only 26 pounds. "Esp if you
only need a potatoes chip to live on."
Over hearing a conversation between one PC and another about the firsts
pc's qualifications to join the group. A third Player speaks up. "Oh
he's a travel ration?"
One Player responds to a rant by someone else. "Wellll who ****** in her
wheaties?" Another Player raises his hand enthusiastically.
A Player during a conversation with another PC suddenly mutters. 'Can I
cast a spell to see if he is gay?" another Player responds. "Yeah, it's
called checking the staff." a third player interjects "Even straight
elves will give you a false positive."
The Gm playing an NPC describing dragons. "Yes there was a cave drake,
ugly, smelling bad.." a player interjected. "Like down at the tavern?"
The GM continuing to attempt to play the NPC. "Your best bet would be a
plasma or gas drake." a player suddenly clouded the air and announced.
"I got gas."
The GM still trying to play the NPC. " A Purple dragon would be found
in..."
interrupted by a player. "Is that a Jimmy Hendrix dragon?"
a second player steps in. "No its the purple haze dragon."
a third player sings. "Purple Dragon! in the sky!"
The GM as an NPC realizing that someone was talking about robbery. "She
glares at the Halfling and gets up and sits on her chest." a player
comments. "She's a contortionist?"
11/15/02
Pat regarding Noel - "Shall I just buy him a horse?"
Brandon to Noel - "I think she just offered to be your
sugar mama."
Noel - "I do have seduction."
Rob to Noel - "You won't need it with this
character!"
Brandon to Rob - "Are you talking about the character
or the player?"
Rob - "No comment."
"The hounds attack with poison gas"
"Alright...who had the breakfast burrito?"
Graystar was poisoned by a vapor hound.
April - "In 107 rounds you will start bleeding through
your pores"
Players in unison - "Ewwwwww!"
"Here is some kykykyl bread in trade for the poison antidote."
"Wow...triple KY bread...that should slide right down."
Darina woke up as her Nymphomaniac personality.
April - "Who are you going to hit on?"
Pat - "Let's see...eenie...meenie...miney..."
Rob - "Oh my god, she's going to hit on Moe!"
April to Brandon re: Darina - "She's hitting on your wife. What are you
going to do?"
Rob - "Make popcorn!"
12/13/02
Q: How are Fek nuts used?
A: I think they are a replacement if you get castrated.
Mongo: I know this item is magical
GM: You don't know that items is magical!
Mongo: Yes I do! It says so right here. [points to paper]
GM: [walking around the table to look at the paper] No it doesn't. It
says "probably".
Mongo: That's good enough for me!
GM: [exasperated]
Player: I've got a +5 sword, a +10 sword and a +15 horse. Would I get
a trample attack if I used the horse as a bludgeoning weapon?
Player1: Has anyone noticed that the amount of monstrous hounds that
attack our group is a huge amount?
Player2: Are you trying to say that someone in our group needs to work
on their hygiene?
Player1: Well, I wasn't going to say anything, but .
GM as NPC: "The father of my unborn child is a god!"
Player1: Man! Some guys will say anything to get a little.
Player2: If your date asks you if you're a god .
Chorus: YOU SAY YES!!!
Player1: May I examine you?
Player2: Some guys will say anything to get a little.
As the party was discussing how to keep the monsters at bay.
Tweedle Lighthand: Maybe if we had a head on a stick they would take
the hint.
Player: Does anyone have any knowledge of this town?
Rob: My character [Rob begins typing on his laptop] is performing a
Google search
Note: the search on Google actually had several hits that appeared
relevant. The fictitious city named turned out to be a small coastal
village in Wales.
Player1: The city is full of people that want to kill us all.
Player2: And this would differ from the previous cities in what way?
As the party prepared to enter the city full of humans & Halflings.
Player1: We needs disguise the elves.
Player2: I can disguise any who want it.
Player1: As a human?
Player2: No.
Player1: What?!? I'm too big to be a Halfling.
Player3: He could be a really big Halfling.
Player4: Disguising Elves as Halflings. Ahh.we should savor this
moment. It's a Kodak moment.
[The party is discussing a plan]
Player1: The best plan I could come up with would have my body lying in
the street.
Player2: Should I make a sign for you?
Player3: A party member well sacrificed.
Player1: This guy is who?
GM: The god of time.
Player1: (pause) ... Not the spice Thyme?
Player2: We've seen the spice girls. Now we see the spice god.
God: I want you to meet my wife and kid.
Player1: Who ... Nutmeg and Cinnamon?
[Player 1 is promptly knocked unconscious]
12/26/02
Player1 to guard: "You'd better go explain to the guildmaster that you
made a mistake in setting off hte alarm before he comes and has his way
with you."
Player2: [pig squealing sounds]
Player1: That's now what I meant!
Player2: That's what we understood.
GM: What you know is he aimed a wand at you and you took a 'J' critical
hit.
Player1: A 'J' critical? What is that?
Player2: A jism crit
Player1: You mean he hit me so hard I creamed my armor?
1/11/03
The party had just paid for rooms for the evening and was asking the
innkeeper where to find the nearest pub.
Innkeeper: You need a bath first!
Player1: Yes, now we get to see what's under the Paladin's armor!
Player2 (the Paladin): It's not Scottish armor!
As Darina looked over the crowd in the bar, which was comprised of
Elvish sailors, one of the other players exclaimed, "It's a target rich
environment for a girl with her skill at charms!"
A moment later, as Pat was roleplaying Darina's interaction with one of
the sailors...
GM: Why don't we just roll the dice if you are going to try to seduce?
Player: Nope. She wants to drag us through the muck.
As the party approached a volcano on their flying carpet...
Player1 to Player2: Do you have a spell to wet the carpet?
Player2: I don't need a spell to wet the carpet!
Player3: Yeah...we could each wet the carpet ... I'm good for about 1
liter.
Player1: Let's fly closer to the volcano so we can get a better look.
Player2: Oh yeah, let's listen to "Miss Adventure"!
Player1 (the Paladin): I am calling out to the dragon ... "Hello,
little dragon!"
Player2 (the Dwarf): I am reviewing my mercenary's contract.
The party was discussing different solutions to moving the dragon's
hoard in a short period of time (before the volcano erupted)
Player1: Our options include -- 1) Move the loot; 2) Stop the volcano
from erupting
Player2: Option 3 -- yard sale!
Dragon: Grrr!
Player1 (the Dwarf): So the Paladin can heal ... yes?
Player2 (the Paladin): Yes.
Player1: So we can throw the Paladin in front of the lava to slow it
down?
Player2: er...no...I can heal "others".
Let's see... I'll attempt to translate this to English, but I'm afraid a lot of it might get lost in translation. Damn lack of language skills.
Anyway!
The cast:
Olaf: CE Dwarven Crusader. Total berserker. Has a penchant for genocidal actions and a an inability to think things through.
Nayaire: NE Human Druid. Sadistic. Hates gods and other beings that try to submit nature. Given our mission makes us meet gods often, he's lightning-zapped regularly. Has a fleshraker named Kit.
Trosky Stonehard: CN Half-giant psywarrior. Serious ADD. To quote Vaarsuvius, his intelligence could be compared unfavorably to that of a table. Has a history of being able to miss the broad side of a barn in melee combat.
Tim: NE Wizard. Resident powerhungry wizard. Not actively evil, merely ruthless.
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We have just entered a mansion where, supposedly, some heads of the smuggler's organization we had been pursuing lately should be crashing. Of course, the first room is a pit trap, and we all end up inside a cell in the basement.
Tim: Well, crap. I told you we should have hired a trapfinder. Now how the hell do we get out of here?
Nayaire: There are no corpses here, meaning they get people out for some reason. They will come for us eventually, and we'll slaughter them. I'm in no hurry. *sits down*
Trosky: Trosky not wait! Trosky be hard as stone! (Incidentally, that be why Trosky be named like that). Trosky break puny cell! *attempts strenght check, fails* Unnggh... gahh...
Trosky: *looks menacingly at the jailbars* Trosky not be so gentle next time, bars!
-------------------------------------
DM: You see the chancellor (dunno how to translate the term, basically, the right hand of the guy in charge). He is dressed in luxurious clothes, and heads towards you with a perceptible disgust. Okay, who's going to speak?
Tim (OOC): Who has the highest Diplomacy modifier?
Me (OOC): That'd be me
DM: ...Am I the only one who finds the fact that the most diplomatic person in the party is a sociopathic druid who feeds his animal companion with choice bits of human children to be somewhat unsettling?
Me (OOC): Yep, pretty much :D
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Anyway, we start talking:
Chancellor: So, what can you tell me about your... assignation?
Trosky: It be fun! We get to float inside of cages and carry boxes with little halfling in them!
Chancellor: Uh?
Nayaire: *hits Trosky in groin with staff* Please, give us a moment. *Takes Trosky behind a column and whispers to him*
Nayaire: Can you hear me, Trosky?
Trosky: *a bit greenish* Yes, Trosky hears
Nayaire: Okay, then listen to this. If you open your mouth again while we are inside this building, I'm going to create a mass of briars with foot-lenght thorns, animate it, then order it to repeteadly tentacle-**** you through every orifice in your body in such a painful way that the sickest of hentai will seem child's play in comparison. Did I make myself clear?
Trosky's player: O.O...Trosky whimpers and lays on the floor in fetal position, weeping silently in abject terror.
Nayaire: That will do.
Tell Nayaire's player hes an inspration to druids everywhere
Paladin: Now to avenge myself!
Player1: This guy is who?
GM: The god of time.
Player1: (pause) ... Not the spice Thyme?
Player2: We've seen the spice girls. Now we see the spice god.
God: I want you to meet my wife and kid.
Player1: Who ... Nutmeg and Cinnamon?
[Player 1 is promptly knocked unconscious]
Jeeze, if i was DMing i'd have sent the player to be lost in the spice thyme continuum...
Jeeze, if i was DMing i'd have sent the player to be lost in the spice thyme continuum...
Augh! My brain! You made it bleed!
Player 1: So we killed twelve hobgoblins, two hell hounds, and-
Player 2: A caster in a pear tree?
Me as Victor "Hail master dwarf, and how might i know you by?"
Buddy as Korwin "Save your hailens, ye can call me by the name o' Kor-"
and for what ever reason his voice gave way and what i heard was somthing totaly diffrent
Victor "Corn?! Master corn?! i must say....that is a rather odd name even for a dwarf!"
we couldnt stop laughing for like 30 min. for some reason our rl female player got accused of ears flying out of her mouth which quickly turned into "corn and ears flying out of your teeth!" "No...Ears of corn!"
Scout: You know, we should probably bury the Paladin.
Drow: Why? She's probably already in...
Barbar: Rigor mortis?
Drow: ...heaven.
...Don't tell me, that drow happened to be a chaotic good ranger wielding twin scimitars?
NE Ranger with a Sniper Rifle, actually. The Paladin really didn't like him, oddly enough...
Warrior: I die, but my spirit will fight on!
Wizard: Does your spirit have a resurrection spell?
Warrior: Well, no....
Wizard: Sucks to be you, then.
"The ghoul claws his waves at you."
"You see a human-shaped rope."
"A murder is being conducted here."
DM: "A rain of meteors falls on you."
P: "But we're indoors."
DM: "A rain of chandeliers falls on you."
DM: "You're standing on a clearing in the forest. In front of you is a cottage."
P: "I leave the forest."
DM: "Leaving the forest, you meet a bear, who pushes you back in front of the cottage."
Just before our first adventure:
DM: The tavern waitress offers herself for the night for five silver.
Rouge: I'll take it!
DM: Right this down on your character sheet (Begins spelling syphilis)
Barbarian off in the woods alone, being peppered by Kobold sling bullets:
DM: Roll a spot check
Barb: 1
DM: You see a tree
(Next round)
DM: Roll a spot check
Barb: 1!
DM: You take a dump.
*Later*
DM: Spot check
Other Barb, still looking for Kobolds: 1!
DM: You see some poop
First Barb: I made that.
(This happens about 3 more times... to 3 different characters. They were all using the same d20, all rolled ones. Every time, they saw the poop... needless to say, we've set that D20 ablaze)
Rouge: I sneak through the forest, trying to flank the Kobold.
DM: Reflex save
Rouge Succeeds
DM Rolls: 4 damage, divided by two... as you jump over the pit trap, a leaf hits you in the eye for two damage.
Rouge: Great, I'm unconsious
Party:
Warlock(not quite human)
Cleric1 (dwarf)
Fighter(human)
Wizard(human) me
Rogue(Dust para-genasi) me again(running 2 chars to help out the party a bit)
Cleric2 (human) NPC
Situation:
We're clearing out an area of hostile creatures after the dwarven settlement we're in has been cast in many illusion and loads of changes. Some are passing the saves for the illusions, some are not(namely my rogue lol).
We've been directed to a small eatery. Once inside we see it's run by imps. They sit us down, and begin to cook and serve up food. Couple passed spot checks notice some of the food is stuff from a garbage can. My rogue gets served a full plate of garbage. Not quite enthused with the serving, he proceeds to complain about the food.
Rogue: (ooc) What's the damage for a thrown plate?
Dm: a d2 maybe
Rogue: (rolls) Does a 28 hit?
Dm: yes
Rogue: adding sneak attack damage, about 26 points of damage
Dm: The imp gets splattered on the wall.
Rogue
ooc) I can see this, plate stuck to the wall, wings flapping on the edges.Imps: We'll get you a new plate!!
I got much better service after that. We're even considering keeping the imps on as cooks, providing they don't serve any more garbage.
Show
7. Breachharrow.
The party is in possession of two intelligent weapons: a dagger with a bunch of sight-related powers called Igouj and a starmetal longsword named Breachharrow. Among Breachharrow’s myriad abilities is that he can cast analyze portal, planar adaptation, and detect planar touchstone each three times per day. He also grants the ability to open planar portals using the Open Lock skill just like a Gatecrasher.
He also speaks like a stereotypical colonel for the British Raj. Whenever he’s drawn or used he makes a ruckus about it. Usually bellowing “Roight!” as he’s swung.
During a fight with an inevitable.
Cazial:
Dara: If we keep getting hit with these chain’s we’re done.
[The Inevitable disarms and trips Spinoozle]
Inevitable: I shall give you a chance to surrender now.
Cazial: Heck with this! (OOC): How does sunder work again? *draws Breachharrow*
Breachharrow: Roight! ‘sa bout time I got some action! *Cazial attempts a sunder and hacks off a spiked chain.*
Breachharrow: Tha’s the way it’s done! Damn the arrows! Charge in Ahead! Tally-ho!
[Dara hits it with a Baleful Utterance, Spinoozle gets hammered with trip attempts as he tries to stand, and is stepped on]
Inevitable: Arrogant chaotes, for that you shall be punished.
Cazial: Not today! *sunders other chain*
Breachharrow: Not so bloody tough without yer chains, are ya, Nance?!
Inevitable: I surrender!
Breachharrow: Tha’s right! Hands on yer head! We ought to do you… *Cazial sheaths the sword* mrmphrm mrmrl… blrg.
Cazial: I like this sword!
Later on Cazial started using Breachharrow far more frequently. She got so used to his lines she started stealing them.
Cazial: *Draws Breachharrow* Roight!
Breachharrow: Oi! I’m supposed to…
Cazial: Shut up and do your stuff.
Breachharrow: Roight!
After that Cazial bellowing “Roight!” has become shorthand for ‘I drop my longbow and draw Breachharrow.' She even does the accent.
Show
You got it.
It Happens to Every DM Eventually
Cazial spots a snow goblin sneaking about the pirate town. Seeing as how she was in a kill-all-goblins-in-sight sight kind of thing, combat was inevitable.
In fact, I was relying on it. This snow goblin was meant to be the perfect foe in a winter wonderland. I had terrain planned out to make him even nastier. I had feets from Complete Warrior and PHBII, race and weaponry from Frostburn, and levels in Scout and fighter. He could throw axes and sunder or trip with them, distract foes with snowballs, and disappear into a snowy environment with a +24, and left no prints. And the skirmish damage... oh the glorious skirmish damage. I spent two hours hammering the goblin of doom out. As I have had with many villains...
And he met the same fate.
Cazial (OOC): I'm going to sneak up behind him and point my arrow directly between the skull and his first vertebra. *Rolls dice.* Ugh! natural one, that makes it a ten with all my modifiers.
[I roll the dice and roll an nat. 1 gives me nine. Blast!]
Cazial: So much as breathe wrong and I will end you.
DM: The goblin's taught muscles flow into action at amazzing speeds! This one is fast, faster than any goblin you've ever seen before, he starts to whirl, axes springing into his hands! Initiative.
[The goblin has a +11 init modifier, yet I roll a 3 for a total of 14]
Cazial (OOC): Seventeen! Ha! Ranged Precision shot to the back of the neck. *rattles the dice* and Critical! For 53 damage!
[the goblin had 44 hp, and fails his fortitude save]
DM: You release an arrow intop the goblin's spinal chord, before he gets halfway through his pirouette his body goes entirely limp and flops to the ground, his head twisting at a sickening angle, telling you the spine has been completely severed.
Cazial (OOC): Oh wait... that was one of your three-hours-to-make villains we keep killing in two rounds or less wasn't it?
DM: ... yes...
Cazial (OOC): Well if you like I can just do normal damage. I don't need the critical...
DM: No, no...
Cazial (OOC): I'm serious. We can do this one over. I'm sure he'd've kicked our
DM: It's okay.
Cazial (OOC): Are you sure? I promise not to take out the next one so fast...
DM: No worries.
Cazial: More coffee?
DM: Yes. Black.
Just to makesure but stating where you point the arrow isnt good for a Sneajk attack, and firing in meele would get your killer goblin an AOO.
Aside from that I feel your pain, 2 rounds or less for every dang BBEG Ive made. Natural selection is seeing a healthy crop of many faced pupetmasters behind the scenes.
The goblin was flat-footed; you don't get AoO when flat-footed.
Personally, were I GMing that encounter, I would have allowed the PCs to capture the goblin ... and at some opportune moment later he would have escaped.
DM: You enter the library. A tall, gaunt man in a trim suit stands before you.
Player 1: Mr. Smith, leader of the vamipirc cult!
DM: Right. Say, is that drow you're playing...
All: CG and dual-wielding two scimitars?
Player 1: I'm telling you guys, Izzitr's NE and uses longswords, besides being a Rogue/Cleric and a Were-rat. I hadn't even read RAS when I made the character!
DM: Anyway, Mr. Smith strides calmly towards you. Roll initiative.
Player 1: 24 total.
Player 2: 13
Player 3: 17
Player 4: 9
DM: Mr. Smith gets a...1.
Player 2: I'm sorry.
DM: No, go on.
[one round later]
Player 4: I checked! We've done 432 damage to this character!
DM: Yeah. Now he goes.
Players: This guy is dead!
DM: Evidently not, or else he wouldn't he holding a loaded shotgun.
Player 1: ...what?...
DM: He fires the shotgun at you and [rolls] misses.
Player 3: Disarm! Disarm! [rolls]
DM: You now are holding a shotgun. Mr. Smith pulls out a M-16 and does... [rolls] ...26 damage to you.
[200 damage later]
Player 1: Disarm! Disarm!
DM: [rolls] You are now holding an M-16. Mr. Smith pulls out an anti-tank gun.
Player 2: You do realize that this is a quasi-medival setting, right?
DM: Yeah. My notes gave out so I'm kinda winging it now. Does a 49 hit you?
Player 2: ...
DM: Laser sight.
Player 2: How much damage?
DM: Well, I'm going to need more dice, but I'm fairly sure you're dead. Mr. Smith tosses away the anti-tank gun, throws something on the floor, and jumps out the window.
[150 damage of AoOs later]
Player 3: What's on the floor?
DM: It appears to be a phaser on overload.
Player 1: No offense, but you need to work on your improvisation.
DM: Yah.
Blondie: female human druid with a wolf animal companion. Sound familiar? It's the typical female player's first character - or so I've heard.
I started with two girls in the group I'm dming. My girlfriend, and my friend's girlfriend.
My gf picked a ranger, with the eventual goal of becoming a blackguard. She did get a wolf companion though. Named it Starsong...
She'll probably play an elf druid for the next campaign though. She had a go at one in a one off dungeon I made for a bit of fun, and seemed to enjoy it.
My friend's gf picked a dwarf cleric. Well, she didn't pick it so much as we spent 6 hours explaining all the classes and races to her, but because she couldn't make up her mind we got fed up and made her an evil cleric as that's the closest thing I could get to a necromancer (which was the only thing she'd admit to having even the slightest interest in.... after 5 hours of discussion). She played that for a couple of levels, till she shelved it in favor of a gnome wizard... (an explosive favoring gnome wizard no less) after another 6 hour conversation about how the wizard class works and the differences between sorcerer and wizard, and what spells might be appropriate.
Her catchphrase was "I just don't want to be useless." to which I felt like replying "THEN MAKE A
ing DECISION!" I suppose its not her fault, and I don't think I actually went spastic at her, but it was a trial. I remember that much.
Frankly I blame WoW. Its probably the only RPG she's played up till now, and to be honest, WoW is just a G, not an RPG unless you pick and choose your server. It's pretty much ruined a generation of potential tabletop RPers. I must have spent a couple of hours just trying to get her to understand that clerics CAN wear decent armor and still heal/hurt, and that wizards are more than just a nuke class.
Whew! got a bit off topic there. But I wouldn't say that female druid is a typical first choice. Mind you, my gf was half way there with the ranger I suppose.
Frankly I blame WoW. Its probably the only RPG she's played up till now, and to be honest, WoW is just a G, not an RPG unless you pick and choose your server. It's pretty much ruined a generation of potential tabletop RPers. I must have spent a couple of hours just trying to get her to understand that clerics CAN wear decent armor and still heal/hurt, and that wizards are more than just a nuke class.
Ahhh, the traditional sound of doom and gloom. When video games got popular, it was consoles would be the death of RP. Then along came chatrooms and freeform pseudo-RP therein and the Doom of Role-Playing. Then LARPers giving the hobby a bad name by freaking people out (in isolated cases, but enough to be waved like a banner). Now, MMOGs.
To be blunt, I do not think that this is a problem that can be blamed on WoW. I believe that it was more of a case of said girlfriend not wanting to trouble her relationship with her boyfriend by doing something astoundingly stupid, perhaps combined with a lack of interest in reading the PHB, or a lack of anyone having a PHB for her to take for a few days and read. My friend's girlfriend has similar issues, trying to wheedle a bite attack for her cleric, among other things, because she thinks she's being cute doing so rather than ticking me off and slowly wearing on his patience.
Or, another way: the problem is likely internal, not external. Of course, YMMV, and I could be utterly wrong.
Ahhh, the traditional sound of doom and gloom. When video games got popular, it was consoles would be the death of RP. Then along came chatrooms and freeform pseudo-RP therein and the Doom of Role-Playing. Then LARPers giving the hobby a bad name by freaking people out (in isolated cases, but enough to be waved like a banner). Now, MMOGs.
While I may never have actually seen a LARPer in their natural environment, my mum has once on a camping site (In a herd, as per their statistics block entry). Apparently they set a caravan on fire, but she's never explained how...
Personally I suspect siege weaponry was involved.
But it's true, we can't blame World of Warcraft for the downfall in RPers lately. I myself have recently picked up the hotbar and given it a shot, but I've been a D&D player for half a decade prior and I'm still a D&D player now.
Ahhh, the traditional sound of doom and gloom. When video games got popular, it was consoles would be the death of RP. Then along came chatrooms and freeform pseudo-RP therein and the Doom of Role-Playing. Then LARPers giving the hobby a bad name by freaking people out (in isolated cases, but enough to be waved like a banner). Now, MMOGs.
To be blunt, I do not think that this is a problem that can be blamed on WoW. I believe that it was more of a case of said girlfriend not wanting to trouble her relationship with her boyfriend by doing something astoundingly stupid, perhaps combined with a lack of interest in reading the PHB, or a lack of anyone having a PHB for her to take for a few days and read. My friend's girlfriend has similar issues, trying to wheedle a bite attack for her cleric, among other things, because she thinks she's being cute doing so rather than ticking me off and slowly wearing on his patience.
Or, another way: the problem is likely internal, not external. Of course, YMMV, and I could be utterly wrong.
Actually her problem is that she's a die hard powergamer, and doesn't have a PHB so she can work out all the rules and bend them to maximize her characters. She's also laboring under the belief that you HAVE to min/max to make a useful character. Like I said; too much WoW.
This problem i directly blame on WoW. I've played it, seen the endgame, got the epics... and then shelfed it because its boring and limited to the extreme compared to DnD. (At least in my opinion). She's learned the behaviors in WoW that make sucessful characters, and is trying to apply them to DnD, where she doesn't know the rules well. So in self defense she flounders and waits for someone to tell her what the "correct" way to do something is, when there truly is no one "correct" way. She can't wrap her head around how... open DnD is. She's used to RPGs where "RP" means grinding for 8 hours a day for gold. She's also finding it difficult to believe that stats, number crunching, fighting and looting are only half the game. She's played WoW, and as far as she understands, thats all there is to an RPG. She's having trouble with the RP aspect.
Though I must say, she's getting much better, and so's the group as a whole. We all basically started at the same time, about 3 months ago, none of us with any DnD experience, and with me being the only one with the core rulebooks. My friend DM'd initially, using "The Howling Horde" campaign. It was a mistake I believe, as it set in all kinds of habits that reinforce the WoW style RPG. (Lots of bashing, no RPing). He also was DMing based on about an hour's worth of skimming the DMG. He hadn't even seen the inside of the PHB or MM. That said, he did really well, all things considered, and there was still some funny moments (poisoning a goblin well amused me at least) and we all had fun. I decided to take up DMing after that, by general consensus. Its been going quite well since.
I was reading up on the forums here at one point and I came across a post where somebody gave EXP for good roleplays. I took that idea immediately, and I must say the progress is astounding. The roleplays are much more entertaining, and much more involved now. I couldn't be happier!
See my sig for my current list of characters in the game I'm DMing.
Sorry to get off topic. I promise I'll write down some of the funny stuff my characters come up with as I remember them.
I recall one now actually:
The cast involved:
Cruk: Half orc Monk
Thorngage: Halfling Rogue
The party, having just slain an innocent 10 year old prodigy cleric being controlled by a demonic source (I had tried to give them a villain that would put them in a moral dilemma in the hopes of increasing role play. It failed... mostly because the party is evil or has no morals!) decides to retire to the Crossroad Inn for a hearty, post-slaughter ale and a nice rest. The monk, being a mountain-dwelling, monastery living, devout so-and-so, is not used to the effects of alcohol. Thus, he gets into a drinking contest with the much more world-wise Rogue. And loses. To a halfling... hilarity ensues:
Me (DM): "As dawn breaks you feel the sun on your face, and your head feels like a giant has been beating you with a sack full of hammers all night. You open a crusty eye and groan. You look down and realise you are naked in bed."
Cruk: "Urrghh! What the hell happened?"
Me (DM): You hear a noise coming from the corner of the room. You look up to see Thorngage, sitting with one leg crossed over the other, in a rocking chair sized for a human, smoking his pipe, and grinning to himself.
Thorngage: *Raises his pipe and nods with a knowing smile at Cruk*
Cruk:
Me (DM): "It is at this point you notice that Thorngage is not, in fact, wearing any pants."
Cruk:
I do believe the rogue will never let him forget that. Muahaha!
Originally Posted by Seraphna
There are times when being a female amongst male players can get awkward.
me: Roll a 1... critical fail... huzzah?
DM: Alright, special damage... your robes are gone.
me: And I'm still floating in midair...
DM: Yes.
Avalon: "What's her charisma at again?"
me: ...17 why?
Avalon: "...I take 5 points off my initiative, and grin for the rest of the fight."
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The book was a secret weapon my game master was unaware of. I was playing a high-level sorcerer and therefore had a lot of free spell slots when each day was over, which I spent on casting Explosive Runes in it (ended up having >500 of them on it) and having a contingent dispel magic (at lowest caster level possible) on the book to trigger when the book was read by anyone but me.
If he had read it at the time he'd have set off 200*6d6 points of damage to himself (no save) and allowed the rest of us to show off our high reflex saves + evasion.
Another creature can remove them with a successful dispel magic or erase spell, but attempting to dispel or erase the runes and failing to do so triggers the explosion.
Quoted from the SRD. Attempting to read the book triggers the contingent Dispel, which is targeting the book and therefore the huge mass of Explosive Runes. Said Dispel is at the lowest possible caster level, with intent to have it so as many runes are unaffected and thus go off as possible.
This is a valid interpretation within the rules, I would think.
oh... I get it now. The dispel is designed to fail, and therefore, set off as many of the runes as possible. Neat! I'm stealing that idea. :P
If you're holding the book, do you even get a reflex check?
Ewwww.... pink mist.
If you're holding the book, do you even get a reflex check?
not if you were the one reading them, or close enough to read them, everyone else within 10 feet gets a reflex save for half damage.
For an average of 10 nat. 1's (60d6 force damage).
Ended up blowing up a library with it (putting it in the "returned" books pile at the world's largest library... XD
LMAO!
Drascin, your translation was perfect and hilarious! Two big thumbs up, hilarious group.
^This is +5 comedy of wonderfulness. Where's the Rogue-mage stamp?
wow, great fun.
this is going into my signature.
Happy to be of service. I found that session to be among our best. I must take the time to recount the following ones, though, because there were some more gems afterwards. Damn exams and damn my lack of time.
Tell Nayaire's player hes an inspration to druids everywhere
That's me, actually. Thanks for the compliment ;) . And yeah, I'm pretty proud of my little druid. First time playing evil, but I think I got it more or less right.
Technically, they get 200 reflex saves...
For an average of 10 nat. 1's (60d6 force damage).
Ended up blowing up a library with it (putting it in the "returned" books pile at the world's largest library... XD
You used the Contingency Spell to get the "Dispel spell" to trigger right? How's that work? I checked out Contingency on the SRD and it says:
"The spell to be brought into effect by the contingency must be one that affects your person and be of a spell level no higher than one-third your caster level (rounded down, maximum 6th level)."
I don't see how dispel would work in that situation, since it would require it to be targeting the runed book, and not yourself. Did the DM just allow Contingency to work differently? Or did you find some other trigger method? Or have I just misunderstood the whole thing?
I reckon I could get around that. Just cast exploding runes directly on top of each other on one sheet of paper. So you could have 1000 runes one on top of the other, so it looks like a single rune on a single piece of paper. Some sap reads it? *nuclearexplosion* Though I suppose it would be up to the DM as to whether the reader actually read ALL the runes, or just the one printed on the very top. :D
Technically, they get 200 reflex saves...
For an average of 10 nat. 1's (60d6 force damage).
Ended up blowing up a library with it (putting it in the "returned" books pile at the world's largest library... XD
Gold. Pure, 24 karat, gold. I bet that stopped the game for a few minutes...hours.
Background: We're infilterating an evil guild's headquarters, and our DM wants to introduce the character of the newest player to our group. After a fight with a gargoyle (ugh, damage resistance..), we enter another room, and find an archer (the character) imprisoned, being guarded by a mage, and three guards, training with saps. I had the forethought to disguise our party as guild members. -except for the barbarian, who I disguised as a prisoner, since he refused to "dress up".
cast: (all level 3.)
Mattarias- My character. typical pretty boy bard. wears pink. has a thing with fire.
Almon (a.k.a, "C.C.")- our cleric. regular healbox. charisma of 5.
Jack ("Jack-o.")- Our barbarian. has a thing for dragons. smashes things good.
Elsa? (I forgot her name. ^^')- elven archer. DEX of 20. doesn't like humans.
the following conversation ensues after entering said room. Excuse me if it is paraphrased.
Mattarias: "Why, what have we here, fellow mage? Why cage up a pretty girl such as this?"
Mage: "As if you didn't know."
Mattarias: "Ah, I'm afraid I missed the briefing. Arrived late, you see. Please enlighten me."
Mage: *sigh* "We're going to sacrifice the girl to open a portal to the realm of shadow, and unleash its denizens upon the world, weaking havoc and conquering it as we go."
Mattarias: "Ah, oh yeah... It's not very nice, though.."
Mage: *flustered* "Not very nice?! what else do you expect from us?! You joined an assassin's guild!"
Mattarias: "Oh. Riight.." *ponders for a second* "Well, looks like I don't have a choice." *Mattarias takes off his disguise a la most anime characters, shuts the door, and puts on his hat with a flourish.* "I'm afraid I can't let that happen."
-cue suprise round!-
Mat took out two of the guards with a swift burning hands spell, and Jack-o took out the mage with a single axe-blow. I CdG'd him. The last guard fell to the ground, blubbering in fear. Mattarias erm, coaxed info out of that one after freeing the archer from her cage with a lot of fire and a bit of chivalry.
I have to say, best game we've played so far. :D .. Except I now -hate- animated tables.
... No, I'm usually more modest than this, trust me. :embarrass
Cast and info you need to know:
Lieutenant- Everything in quotes that the DM says he is speaking as the lieutenant
Sintara- My character, a druid elf. She had been in the shape of a dire puma during the end of the fight.
Jin- Human monk PC that my character really likes. He has been in the jail a lot longer than the other party members and done most of the damage.
DM: "WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED TO MY JAIL?!"
Me: Sintara, who had just shifted back into elven form, sees the lieutenant and turns right back into a puma.
(During the next minute or two, the lieutenant has somebody cast a spell on all of the party members that forces everybody to only be able to speak the truth and starts questioning everybody.)
DM: "How about you Sintara? Perhaps you can grace us back with your usual form and explain what happened here."
Me: Sintara just lies down as though she's going to go to sleep, starts licking her paws.
J: Jin kind of scratches her behind the ears.
DM: This looks pretty creepy. You've got this enormous puma right next to you, and you're just reaching over and scratching its ears.
Me: It starts to purr.
You used the Contingency Spell to get the "Dispel spell" to trigger right? How's that work? I checked out Contingency on the SRD and it says:
"The spell to be brought into effect by the contingency must be one that affects your person and be of a spell level no higher than one-third your caster level (rounded down, maximum 6th level)."
pg 139 of CArc. Use the feat Craft Contingent Spell.
Another creature can remove them with a successful dispel magic or erase spell, but attempting to dispel or erase the runes and failing to do so triggers the explosion.
Quoted from the SRD. Attempting to read the book triggers the contingent Dispel, which is targeting the book and therefore the huge mass of Explosive Runes. Said Dispel is at the lowest possible caster level, with intent to have it so as many runes are unaffected and thus go off as possible.
This is a valid interpretation within the rules, I would think.
Dude, that is absolutely e-vil!
I love it!
:coolcthulpg 139 of CArc. Use the feat Craft Contingent Spell.
:lightbulb I'd looked in the Complete Arcane first, because I thought "contingent spell" was a feat. I forgot it was a craft ability feat, so I missed it. Then I checked the SRD, and got it confused with "Contingency" the spell. Go figure. Makes sense now. much obliged Nunchuckgun
P.S. although i've read 139 of CA, and it doesn't specifically say you can do it to an item. But, by the same token, it doesn't say you CAN'T either. :D
Alas, while many of these are awesome stories, it now looks like I won't really be able to contribute more than my meager store of quotes for a while, as my gaming group has, thanks to hormones and such, developed an issue of the two main players now being more involved with cuddling than bothering with the game. Not something I really appreciate, given that I live about an hour's drive away and show up for the game...
Seriously, I think this is the funniest post in all of the 120+ pages. And I've read them all. Sorry to laugh at your misfortune, but it just cracks me up.
Also, someone suggested a top 20. Well, I'd like to submit my nomination for any story by:
Need_A_Life
Rickiel (Raz stories preferred)
Kittencaboodle
Arjehy (sp.?)
Goon For Hire
I nominate them because, out of all the posts, they come up with the most consistently entertaining.
Me (to Druid's player): You were just killed. By a TABLE. You realize, of course, that I can never allow you to live this down, right?
:embarrass dude, animated tables are VISCIOUS. Their slam attacks are just about level enough to give a very painful blow to a very sensitive area on most medium male humanoids. they hurt.
PC: "This is madness!"
Caretaker: "This... is... HOUSE JOSCARO!"
Ninja: Please heal me. I think my body has just enough blood to keep a kitten alive right now.
We are exploring a dungeon and just found a secret door, hidden in the wall because of some convienient spider webs and elven inherent abilities. :D
DM: Alright. You enter the room. It is filled with books. There are a few chests in along the walls, and an iron shield lies against the far wall.
Me: Fine. I cast detect magic.
DM: The shield is magical, but appears to be activated by a keyword. You also find magic emanating from a few scrolls.
Dwarf Cleric PC: So, lets get this keyword... just point the shield at someone and go 'bang'.
DM: A violent flash of light erupts from the shield.
Gnome Ranger PC: (Yes, we make jokes about the 'Gnome Ranger' and his pony sliver.) Wha... bang is the keyword?
Paladin PC: So... what... we don't need a rear-gaurd anymore, just attach it to the dwarfs arse and say bang when we get attacked.
Later on...
Me: Awesome. We almost have enough money to buy a baby pegasus.
Dwarf Cleric: Yeah! Alright. I go into town to the shady baby pegasus dealer and buy one.
DM: Erm... there isn't a black market in the tiny town...
Dwarf Cleric: What? Every tiny town has a shady baby pegasus dealer! It's like... tacos and cheese!
It truly was freaky!
After participating in a solo fight against a large pack of bloodthirsty raptors, my Ninja uttered the following line to the Cleric...
Ninja: Please heal me. I think my body has just enough blood to keep a kitten alive right now.
Awesome Dr. McNinja reference!
(All OOC)
Beguiler: So I can be from a snooty private school?
Ranger (Me): And I can be from a the ranger academy...we could have met at the all-elf mixer!
Knight: What about me? Did I go to the knight's university?
Me: Yeah, you went to Knight School!
Also, my ranger had a 6 Charisma, so I took a page from a post earlier in this thread and played him like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. The DM had been joking that I was so depressing in my delivery that he may make lightning strike me and create a chemical imbalance (rebalance?) to make me less depressing.
Beguiler (OOC): Wow, you know you're good when you can depress the DM.
Later:
DM: (rolling random weather) There seems to be a thunderstorm brewing.
Ranger (Me): They just seem to follow me around :raincloud .
DM: Okay, this is getting to be too much, you have a 3 percent chance to get hit by lightning. (Roll d%) 2...gimme three d6 and that's your new Charisma for now (Roll) 18, congrats.
Me (IC): Wow! I feel great! We should bottle that stuff!
Invaded by carrion crawlers: "Green...caterpillars?"
"Moneytree! Your cash solution!" *violence ensues*
I'd intended it to be a sort of turning point for the campaign, where they get a chance to kill or capture the personage behind a cabal of mages and their minions that have been trailing the PCs over the past six months or so.
Unfortunately, I had completely underestemated the mage's capabilities. We got about fourteen or fifteen rounds into it, and my players were looking somewhat ragged...
For those of you involved in the Adanlond game, stop here. You know who you are.
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Here's the cast:
Xavros Mineshadow: LN male dwarf Dwarven Paragon 3/Cleric 5 of the Order of Adamant, a group of dwarven miners and smiths. His powers are fueled by his belief in order and the purity of his forge-work. Recently, he discovered the ancient stronghold of his ancestors and a Weapon of Power they forged to bring down the ancient dragon overlords.
Keldon "the Quick": N male human Fighter 8. Extremely fast, an ex-arena fighter and complete heck-on-wheels with anything sharp. He is more-or-less stunned by what he's seen over the past few months; until recently, he didn't really believe in major magics since they're so uncommon. Really dislikes giants and undead from his recent adventuring.
Well, the party was shadowed by a number of toughs led by a middle-ranking mage in the Order of Serpents Risen (I have the PCs believing that its another group right now, but that's beside the point). Anyway, the PCs were able to spot the toughs amongst the normal pedestrian traffic in the far northern trade-town of Gonhirrton.
They immediately attempted to take evasive action and make it back to Xavros's forge (he lives in the city and has a live-in assistant). Unfortunately, the explosion of a fireball in the intersection sort of killed that plan in its tracks...
Keldon: Mages?
Xavros: Aye. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Keldon: Sharp blades make shorter mages?
Xavros: Yep.
Fast forward about twelve rounds, after they've dispatched four out of five toughs, the mage is flying about a hundred feet up, and the mage has been dropping fireballs on them regularly for the past five rounds (wand of Fireball). After finally slaying the last of the toughs, the sounds of the Greenhands (the local watch) are becoming more and more prominent. (I needed a way to get the mage down without ascribing it to stupidity; the mage had an Int score of 19 or so.)
The mage drops another freaking fireball on the PCs, reducing them to single-digits in their HP columns.
The Greenhands round the corner, and one of the clerics amongst them casts Dispel Magic on the mage. I rolled the caster level check in the open. (Not usually something I do; I dislike my players dying from random chance. Player stupidity, on the other hand...) The cleric made the check by one.
DM (me): The cleric points his wand skyward and shouts an incomprehensible syllable. All of a sudden, the mage that had been floating over one hundred feet off of the ground plummets with all of the aerodynamic grace of the average rock.
*roll dice* He takes...fifty-five damage as he hits.
Shattered chunks of cobblestone, blood, and dirt fly every which way as he impacts the street. The man is now lying in a small crater, slowly filling with his lifeblood.
Xavros (OOC): Does he survive?
DM (OOC): *rolls dice* His breathing is shallow but steady. He appears to have survived.
Keldon: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Xavros: Long falls make shorter mages?
Keldon: Well, that too. But *kicks mage where he lies* I was more thinking that this idiot can tell us why they've been shadowing us.
Xavros: Long falls make shorter plots?
Keldon: Yep.
Xavros Mineshadow: LN male dwarf Dwarven Paragon 3/Cleric 5 of the Order of Adamant, a group of dwarven miners and smiths. His powers are fueled by his belief in order and the purity of his forge-work. Recently, he discovered the ancient stronghold of his ancestors and a Weapon of Power they forged to bring down the ancient dragon overlords.
Keldon "the Quick": N male human Fighter 8. Extremely fast, an ex-arena fighter and complete heck-on-wheels with anything sharp. He is more-or-less stunned by what he's seen over the past few months; until recently, he didn't really believe in major magics since they're so uncommon. Really dislikes giants and undead from his recent adventuring.
Well, the party was shadowed by a number of toughs led by a middle-ranking mage in the Order of Serpents Risen (I have the PCs believing that its another group right now, but that's beside the point). Anyway, the PCs were able to spot the toughs amongst the normal pedestrian traffic in the far northern trade-town of Gonhirrton.
They immediately attempted to take evasive action and make it back to Xavros's forge (he lives in the city and has a live-in assistant). Unfortunately, the explosion of a fireball in the intersection sort of killed that plan in its tracks...
Keldon: Mages?
Xavros: Aye. You thinking what I'm thinking?
Keldon: Sharp blades make shorter mages?
Xavros: Yep.
Fast forward about twelve rounds, after they've dispatched four out of five toughs, the mage is flying about a hundred feet up, and the mage has been dropping fireballs on them regularly for the past five rounds (wand of Fireball). After finally slaying the last of the toughs, the sounds of the Greenhands (the local watch) are becoming more and more prominent. (I needed a way to get the mage down without ascribing it to stupidity; the mage had an Int score of 19 or so.)
The mage drops another freaking fireball on the PCs, reducing them to single-digits in their HP columns.
The Greenhands round the corner, and one of the clerics amongst them casts Dispel Magic on the mage. I rolled the caster level check in the open. (Not usually something I do; I dislike my players dying from random chance. Player stupidity, on the other hand...) The cleric made the check by one.
DM (me): The cleric points his wand skyward and shouts an incomprehensible syllable. All of a sudden, the mage that had been floating over one hundred feet off of the ground plummets with all of the aerodynamic grace of the average rock.
*roll dice* He takes...fifty-five damage as he hits.
Shattered chunks of cobblestone, blood, and dirt fly every which way as he impacts the street. The man is now lying in a small crater, slowly filling with his lifeblood.
Xavros (OOC): Does he survive?
DM (OOC): *rolls dice* His breathing is shallow but steady. He appears to have survived.
Keldon: You thinking what I'm thinking?
Xavros: Long falls make shorter mages?
Keldon: Well, that too. But *kicks mage where he lies* I was more thinking that this idiot can tell us why they've been shadowing us.
Xavros: Long falls make shorter plots?
Keldon: Yep.
I cShow
DM (me): The cleric points his wand skyward and shouts an incomprehensible syllable. All of a sudden, the mage that had been floating over one hundred feet off of the ground plummets with all of the aerodynamic grace of the average rock.
*roll dice* He takes...fifty-five damage as he hits.
Shattered chunks of cobblestone, blood, and dirt fly every which way as he impacts the street. The man is now lying in a small crater, slowly filling with his lifeblood.
We were outside the cavern where the dragon was, preparing to enter and do nonlethal battle. As we were all hunkered down, getting ready to open the door, I said, with the voice and everything:
"Now remember: it's crucial to keep that top jaw rope secured!"
This was before Steve's sad death, of course, and it got the best laugh of the session.
Caleb: What that a scream?
Dorn: Yes it was! *runs to the house where said scream originated* Hey in there! We heard a scream! Open up! We're adventurers!
Caleb:
That has become something of a catchphrase for the group now.
During the session, I was having an awful time with the dice, being unable to hit anything. And then I said this:
"I make an attack with my mace and fail to hit anything!" *rolls* "I succed in making an attack and fail to hit anything!"
Later, I got sepperated from the party for a moment, and wound up being attacked by a swarm:
DM: You see Dorn running towards you, attempting to outrun a cloud of mutant insects, and failing.
Dorn: It hurts! Gods! It hurts with the power of pain!
Caleb: Yes....... I'm going into this room and close the door behind me.
Lambit: Okay, those are insects right?
DM: Yes.
Lambit: Okay, I'm going to create an illusion of a really succulent honeycone...
DM: Okay...
Lambit: And when the bugs are attracted to it, I'm going to make the illusion float out that open window and as far away from us as the spell's range will allow.
DM: You do realise that when the spell ends, you'll have released an angry swarm of mutant bugs into the heart of the city.
Lambit: Consequenses? Pah! We're adventurers!
And later at the end of the session:
"I just realised. The only time Dorn managed to harm any of the monsters in that house what when he fell through the floor and landed on one!"
Cleric: Of course Kai won't fail us. He's the best!
Me: ... around.
Cleric: That's right! Nothing's ever going to keep him down.
Later in the same campaign, while trying to negotiate with a noble family of giants.
Me: I'm going to try and seduce the lord's daughter; maybe she'll give us some leverage.
Monk: Dude, she's Large size.
Me: I've got an enlarge person potion.
Monk: But those only last for a minute.
Druid: He'll have time to spare, then.
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Context: a DragonMech campaign. We're in the last city, Edge. Specifically, a bar. Our steamborg* says the following to a girl:
"The melding of steam and magic can outperform anything the flesh can do. You interested?"
We laugh and recall a scene from Space Truckers. We decide the steamborg pulled a starter chord . . . in a low place.
* Steamborg is a new base class for DragonMech. It's essentially a steampunk cyborg. But louder and clunkier. And more smoke. Our particular steamborg was actually a steamborg/sorcerer/homebrew PrC to advance both. His magical implants augmented the steam to truly go beyond the limits of flesh. Why sorcerer, not wizard? CHA.
Context: a DragonMech campaign. We're in the last city, Edge. Specifically, a bar. Our steamborg* says the following to a girl:
"The melding of steam and magic can outperform anything the flesh can do. You interested?"
We laugh and recall a scene from Space Truckers. We decide the steamborg pulled a starter chord . . . in a low place.
* Steamborg is a new base class for DragonMech. It's essentially a steampunk cyborg. But louder and clunkier. And more smoke. Our particular steamborg was actually a steamborg/sorcerer/homebrew PrC to advance both. His magical implants augmented the steam to truly go beyond the limits of flesh. Why sorcerer, not wizard? CHA.
The group is running a homebrew campaign, and the DM has given them (I was only an observer at this point) a couple of "DM toys": Ring of Three Wishes and a not-Deck of Many Things (208 cards, can do anything from killing you outright to giving you wierd abilities to shapechanging you to teaching you languages; the deck also sometimes forces a will save to prevent drawing a card).
Monk: *fails save, draws card, forced to LG alignment (from LN) and has gold-coloured scales for a split second*
Half-Elf Bard (who hates elves): *fails save, draws card, nothing immediately happens, but she bursts into flame when surprised or shocked*
Human Druid: *draws a card on his own, turns into an elf*
Bard: *bursts into flame, nearly killing the druid, and lapses unconscious*
Monk: *fails save, draws card, dies instantly*
The monk winds up as a ghost, and enters the bard's coma-dreams to try to help her. Typical nightmare, shadowy things chasing her through the streets, everybody refuses to see them or help her, etc. So the monk jumps to the rescue, and a daring fight sequence later, trounces the shadowy things and the bard is delighted. She runs up, then falters, and backs away.
DM: Rubiconte (monk), as you are backlit by the dream-light, you hold your arms out to Mary (bard) and realize your arms are covered with golden scales.
Rubiconte's player: Wait, what? Does that have something to do with the card?
Mary's player: It's DRAGON-JESUS!
Paranormal Investigator: "It's all fun and games until someone puts out a ninja."
Amnesiac Valkyrie: “I know how to use the spigot, I saw the horse do it!”
PFC Watkins: “Mutants everywhere.”
PFC Drake: “Yeah, I know. I don’t think Sergeant Jenkins would take this well.”
PFC Watkins: “Yep. ‘specially since I took his pocketwatch.”
“Turn undead and do-si-do!”
"You were touching that....that..... other woman!"
"Woman? That was a truck..."
Robot: “While you are correct in your assessment of my lack of buying power, you do not appear to realize that you, as a human, cannot function properly with a bullet hole in your head.”
Li: (Spot check, DC 24, sees an obvious demon dog) “Monster!”
John: “Monsters don’t exist.” (makes a Spot check, 24) “Relax, it’s a bat.”
Li (gaping in horror): “But bat has wolf parts!”
John (loading and cocking rifle): “Must be one of them northern European bat dogs.”
Li Tai: "Look, I tell USA I have perfect English speaking, they send me back to lie detector test. Last time, the man say 'there three-head monster in room?' I say 'maybe,' and when comes up correct statement, they look at me funny."
“I hope those guys come back soon with the clay, I need to scratch my nose.”
Paladin, about getting a new sword: “It glows! Dude! Save vs. sweetness!”
Swordsage, about the sword: “Okay, we’ll follow the sword. But if this leads to breakfast cereal, I’m killing you all.”
“They’re after her lucky charms!”
“I told you that if this led to breakfast cereal, you would all die.”
(After returning to the villain’s stronghold to get some information about a different villain and some more chocolate cake)
Villain: "You'll have to take the main entrance, since my elevator doesn't work. I think some desert animals crawled in there and died."
Paladin: "Yeah. I believe that. Except replace 'desert animals' with 'babies' and 'crawled in there' with 'thrown.'”
Summoner: “Yeah. And 'died' with 'flayed.'"
“Is it really necessary to have more explosives than the climax of a sci-fi channel original movie?”
“Let that be your lesson for this morning. Pain hurts.”
“What? You want a reward? Why?”
“We won. We saved the world!”
“If I recall, we’re the ones who set the ancient evil loose in the first place.”
“But we put it back!”
“If this is a bad idea, Gaia give me a sign!”
(wait)
“Okay, gimme the dynamite and the handcuffs.”
(after searching a couple’s car and finding two rolls of duct tape, a doctor’s bag full of implements of questionable intent, one hundred temporary tattoos in the shape of eyeballs, ten feet of hose, a tranquilizer gun, a taser, two rubber knives, a jar of mayonnaise, and an inflatable raft)
“I, guys, I really don’t want to hear this story. Checkpoint clear!”
“His big plan is to drop a rock on the planet?”
“Not just any rock! Space demon infested rock!”
“We’ve already got space demons! That’s like setting a cockroach loose in a house that’s already infested!”
“Do you want to tell him that?”
(pause)
“You do it.”
Later: “Hey, man, I just wanted to tell youaahhhhohGaiamyface!”
“You think it’s okay? Will I lose my paladin powers?”
"You know if this were D&D you'd have lost your powers like ten times before lunch."
“Anybody get the number of that soul train that hit me?”
“You must never use the Force in anger.”
“I didn’t. I used a crowbar.”
“Can I make a Force-powered cheesecake?”
“Depends how many midichlorians you put in the batter.”
“I’m baking a cake. Where are the grenades at?”
House Rule: If a droid ends up with any Force abilities, for any reason, those abilities cannot be reprogrammed or removed.
Said to Sith lord: "Hey who do you think aahhhohgodmyface!"
“Next time a Jedi falls out of the sky, I’ll kill him. And if I get a Dark Side point for it, I’ll kill the GM.”
Exploring an ancient ruin: “Aw, there’s no chocolate this time”
Same character: “I found some chocolate outside that ruin, but she said there wasn’t any chocolate inside, the monsters probably ate it all.”
Also, someone suggested a top 20. Well, I'd like to submit my nomination for any story by:
Need_A_Life
Rickiel (Raz stories preferred)
Kittencaboodle
Arjehy (sp.?)
Goon For Hire
I nominate them because, out of all the posts, they come up with the most consistently entertaining.
Domo arigato!
Being put in the same class as Rickiel, Kittencaboodle and Goon For Hire? Awesome.
I need to start recording quotes from our current campaign... :P
Domo arigato!
Being put in the same class as Rickiel, Kittencaboodle and Goon For Hire? Awesome.
I need to start recording quotes from our current campaign... :P
While domo arigato is loosely translated as "thank you very much" the literal translation is I believe domo = thank you, arigato = it hurts.
While domo arigato is loosely translated as "thank you very much" the literal translation is I believe domo = thank you, arigato = it hurts.
arigato is thank you. i dont even really know if domo is a word. other than in the song ive only heard it used in context a couple times
arigato dogi mas is much more likely to be said.
While domo arigato is loosely translated as "thank you very much" the literal translation is I believe domo = thank you, arigato = it hurts.
'Arigato' = Thank you
'Domo' = Word to make it more formal
There are more than 15 different levels of politeness in the Japanese language Nice quote in the Red Hand of Doom campaign:
While interrogating a hobgoblin while the fighter hangs him from a guard tower above a cliff.
Hobgolin: "Let go of me" :D
10 seconds later, while inspecting the body of a hobgoblin:
Sorcerer: "You really think he is dead?"
Fighter: "Well, I just tossed him out of a 3 story building..." :D
Yay! A use for my semester of Japanese...
Whereas "it hurts" is roughly equivalent to "itai."
Yay! A use for my semester of Japanese...
lol, i only know it because a friend of mine studies Japanese culture... taking just one semester in it is pretty useless
Whereas "it hurts" is roughly equivalent to "itai."
Yay! A use for my semester of Japanese...
Heh, I remember that phrase from reading a short novel about Hiroshima.
DM: you find a door that is closed on the opposite wall.
Player playing stupid goblin sorcerer: I choose to talk to it to see if a password will open it *rolls natural 20*
DM: you have a long, meaningful conversation with the door. it remais shut.
other players:
arigato is thank you. i dont even really know if domo is a word. other than in the song ive only heard it used in context a couple times
arigato dogi mas is much more likely to be said.
Slight correction, Arigatou gozaimasu. I happen to know a few people who speak Japanese, and took classes in college. and indeed, Domou Arigatou is also correct.
:D
Zen-zen wakarimasen.
:D
You lie! ;)
...If I could've, I would've said that in Nihongo...
Our last session with a new group is a semi-homebrew heroes of battle style wargame. We also seem to run on a system of 'if it's funny, or badass, but chafes with the rules, the story wins'.
Relevant cast:
Leodran (Leo) CN Swordsage. good at putting pointy things into fleshy things. Leader of our elite strike squad.
Kimono-wearing oriental enchantress (Totally forgot her name, we'll call her 'Kim') Lieutenant of the squad of blasters in full plate .... I.e. with a half squad of meat-shields.
Jumeau (Myself) TN Incubus, the commander.
Kimono-wearing oriental enchantress (Totally forgot her name, we'll call her 'Kim') Lieutenant of the squad of blasters in full plate .... I.e. with a half squad of meat-shields.
Jumeau (Myself) TN Incubus, the commander.
While playing Red Hand of Doom
Rouge: *Rolls to steal a boat and rolls obscenely even for him*
DM: O_O; Since you rolled that high you get goodies from the Lizardfolk hut. (Rolls random monetary amount) 637 gold -_-;
Rouge:*Returns to rest of party*
Druid:So you get the boat?
Rouge: Yep, and their life savings.
Fighter: OOC and their insurance
Cleric OOC : Yay, we got Dental!
Show
DM: you guys are way ahead of schedule you know that right?
Druid: By how much?
DM: Well the gobbos won't be in the Ferry for another 6 days
Druid: 0_0 wow... what that look for?
DM: I didn't count on you guys being so damn efficient. >_<
Later on while setting traps for ther gobbos
Druid: *After evacuating the ferryof civilians* So what does the magic shop dude have in the way of explosives?
DM: Not much....wait, he can cast Explosive Runes.
Druid: :evillaugh We pay him to make us up some scrolls, one of them saying "To any Goblin uglies reading this, you better pray to your damn heathen god". I then take that and stick it to a pole in the middle of town and stick a bottle of alch fire behind it, I mean gobbos ain't to bright.
DM: Did I mention how much I hate your guys efficiency.
*After destroying the bridge over the gorge using stonshape and a bag of gunpowder from a previous adventure and the dragon in the guard tower chasing us.*
Druid being carried by the winged Figter: Oh shi-- *flips through monster manual for a decent wild shape*
Fighter: I roll an intimidate *Rolls somewhere around 50 due to many bonuses due to favorable circumstance (ie: dragon scale armor of the same color dragon, we just blew up a bridge, maxed out ranks in Inrimidate, etc.)*
DM: *Flips to MM for quick second then slams it shut* You guys suck, he can't even roll a 50. He turns around wimperig like a puppy
Fighter & Druid:
rest:
DM:
Druid: By how much?
DM: Well the gobbos won't be in the Ferry for another 6 days
Druid: 0_0 wow... what that look for?
DM: I didn't count on you guys being so damn efficient. >_<
Later on while setting traps for ther gobbos
Druid: *After evacuating the ferryof civilians* So what does the magic shop dude have in the way of explosives?
DM: Not much....wait, he can cast Explosive Runes.
Druid: :evillaugh We pay him to make us up some scrolls, one of them saying "To any Goblin uglies reading this, you better pray to your damn heathen god". I then take that and stick it to a pole in the middle of town and stick a bottle of alch fire behind it, I mean gobbos ain't to bright.
DM: Did I mention how much I hate your guys efficiency.
*After destroying the bridge over the gorge using stonshape and a bag of gunpowder from a previous adventure and the dragon in the guard tower chasing us.*
Druid being carried by the winged Figter: Oh shi-- *flips through monster manual for a decent wild shape*
Fighter: I roll an intimidate *Rolls somewhere around 50 due to many bonuses due to favorable circumstance (ie: dragon scale armor of the same color dragon, we just blew up a bridge, maxed out ranks in Inrimidate, etc.)*
DM: *Flips to MM for quick second then slams it shut*
You guys suck, he can't even roll a 50. He turns around wimperig like a puppy Fighter & Druid:
rest:
DM:
He started playing a druid and got a wolf animal companion in my campaign. The whole teasing started over again, when players noticed he got really annoyed when they called his wolf a dog. (i.e. someone said "Get this dog out of my house, at once!" after the druid barged into the bards apartment in one of the bigger towns). After hearing the dog thing for a while, he wanted to make the wolf attack anyone who called it a dog and utilized some spells for it... He gave that specific command to the wolf and I let it slide, because i was getting annoyed that all his characters were good (neutral good on this one) but would kill or attack someone that insults or makes fun of them.
As he walked through the town, a little child approached him and asked if she could pet his doggy. Needless to say the guards didn't like it.
Another campaign, another player. The party dwarf got petrified by a cockatrice and the party desperately pulled him into town. The party rogue was held responsible for this petrification, because due to his stupidity he accidently lured the cockatrice to attack the party. The rest of the party left to go shopping with the words "Your fault, so you take care of the dwarf". The rogue did. He sold the dwarf to an art expose for sculpting and acquired a little fame for making such a nice and detailed piece of art, including some money. The fame got him invites to some dinner parties where he earned even more money by showing the art of his quick fingers; or rather not showing it.
By the time the party was getting ready to get back together and expected a healthy dwarf, the rogue desperately came back crying that some lowlifes STOLE the dwarf while he was looking for help. We use a system were we can use bluff checks against the sense motive of other players and the rogue was very convincing. The whole (mostly lawful and good) party ended up sneaking into the art gallery and stealing the dwarf back. The rogue quickly noted that they should steal some of the art and sell it in another town, to cover the expenses for the dwarf's petrification.
The rogue ended up with a full pocket of gold, even more local fame after his beautiful artwork was stolen and didn't even have to pay to get the petrification removed. Granted he gained some suspicion after people saw the "artwork" happily wandering around.
Our party wizard is a sneaky one. He had a small and nice looking ring which he placed a magical aura on. He went into one of the rich looking shops and looked around a bit, making sure the shopkeeper would notice him. He soon left the shop without purchasing anything, just to return about an hour later seeming all desperate about a ring he lost. He tells the shopkeeper that the ring is of high sentimental value, as it is a family heirloom with a slight magic affinity and he's willing to offer 5,000 GP as a reward for anyone who finds it and returns it to him. His reason for entering this specific shop is because he had already been there, and he might have lost it inside the shop. The wizard is dressed in fancy clothing, so the shopkeeper has no reason to doubt his wealth. Of course the shopkeeper hasn't seen or heard of any such ring.
A day later the wizard comes to check up on the shop if his ring had been found yet. He usually does this until the day that the party wants to leave, so that the shopkeeper grows accustomed to the wizard and thinks he really wants his ring back.
Eventually, the wizard returns while having himself magically disguised into someone else. He shows the ring to the shopkeeper who is immediately bound to recognize the mark on the ring as the mark of the family heirloom. The wizard, being unrecognizable to the shopkeeper, wants to sell the ring to the shopkeeper. He tries to be obvious with his lies, and says that he won the ring from a friend in a drinking contest and now wants to sell it for some extra cash. The shopkeeper remembers the 5,000 GP reward for finding the ring and offers a few gold pieces for it. The wizard responds and says he knows the value of the ring, as he detected a magical aura on it. The shopkeeper raises his offer and after a bit of bargaining, the wizard got little over 1,000 GP for a nearly worthless ring with a temporary magic aura. Needless to say the wizard never returned.
Our party wizard is a sneaky one. He had a small and nice looking ring which he placed a magical aura on. He went into one of the rich looking shops and looked around a bit, making sure the shopkeeper would notice him. He soon left the shop without purchasing anything, just to return about an hour later seeming all desperate about a ring he lost. He tells the shopkeeper that the ring is of high sentimental value, as it is a family heirloom with a slight magic affinity and he's willing to offer 5,000 GP as a reward for anyone who finds it and returns it to him. His reason for entering this specific shop is because he had already been there, and he might have lost it inside the shop. The wizard is dressed in fancy clothing, so the shopkeeper has no reason to doubt his wealth. Of course the shopkeeper hasn't seen or heard of any such ring.
A day later the wizard comes to check up on the shop if his ring had been found yet. He usually does this until the day that the party wants to leave, so that the shopkeeper grows accustomed to the wizard and thinks he really wants his ring back.
Eventually, the wizard returns while having himself magically disguised into someone else. He shows the ring to the shopkeeper who is immediately bound to recognize the mark on the ring as the mark of the family heirloom. The wizard, being unrecognizable to the shopkeeper, wants to sell the ring to the shopkeeper. He tries to be obvious with his lies, and says that he won the ring from a friend in a drinking contest and now wants to sell it for some extra cash. The shopkeeper remembers the 5,000 GP reward for finding the ring and offers a few gold pieces for it. The wizard responds and says he knows the value of the ring, as he detected a magical aura on it. The shopkeeper raises his offer and after a bit of bargaining, the wizard got little over 1,000 GP for a nearly worthless ring with a temporary magic aura. Needless to say the wizard never returned.
A classic con but a good one; generally done (IRL) with two people. Magic, of course, allows that extra touch of class.
I'm in one game where my character will be pulling off cons of this nature in order to (eventually) raise the wherewithal to take over the entire underworld; behind the scenes, of course
Criminal: Mark of Justice?
Wizard: Nah. Maximized Explosive Runes.
I play a saytr Bard named Joen the randomley biased, whenever i meet someone new i have to roll a D% to see how much i like him or her, and this can really mess up some adventures for DMs :P
our games are very character-driven, and we draw our Dm from a hat at the end of every adventure, so it continuously stays fresh. Well, this game our DM said that my god, Oldimarra is playing a trick on me and has decided to forsake me and destroy all my instruments, after doing a few jobs i got enough money to buy a new lute and pipes and went to a chapel to see what i should do about this.
Cleric: Ho there goat boy!
Me: (rolls 76%) Oldimarra hates me, I can't even hate you.
Cleric: perhaps you should switch dieties?
Me: (looks around the place) to whom, lazlo, the god of drab?
Cleric:nay! to Dionysus, the god of wine and fertility
at the word "fertility" my ears pop up
i needn't bore you with mor eof that conversation, anyways dionysus wanted my party to go and fetch an artifact for him and then he would bless me.
so we go into a cave and( here comes the Nerfing) all the humans faint. no explinations, for saves, just fainting and leaving the cave.
so that leaves a one-eyed ranger named dys'rydor(i call him dizzy) and me, a bard with non- magical pipes and the only weapon on me are my horns and a dagger i found.
DM: you walk in and you see six undead orcs eating the flesh of Bambi
Dizzy: the deer Bambi?
Me: how do we know it's bambi, i was raised in the woods and i can't even tell.
DM: it's bambi
Me: okay, i lull the orcs to sleep with my pipes( rolls) 35 work?
DM: the orcs don't have ears.
Me: wasn't this supposed to be for the GOD OF WINE?
so when ever he would nerf things from then on' i'd yell at him GOD OF WINE?!
and trust me, did he nerf. an andult black dragon, without ears, acid traps in a dimensoin door, air elementals and were-spider monkeys.
long story short, i changed my god to dionysus, and killed the cleric beacuase I wanted to feel empowered.
Wizard: Okay, Jack, I'm inscribing this symbol on your forehead. It will make it impossible for you to commit crime again.
Criminal: Mark of Justice?
Wizard: Nah. Maximized Explosive Runes.
Interesting, I can suddenly see an efficient lawyer sending out divorce papers with Explosive Runes as the signature line...
Wizard: Okay, Jack, I'm inscribing this symbol on your forehead. It will make it impossible for you to commit crime again.
Criminal: Mark of Justice?
Wizard: Nah. Maximized Explosive Runes.
I'm not sure how well that would work...the first person who got curious about the guy with writing on his forhead reads it, and boom :P
I'm not sure how well that would work...the first person who got curious about the guy with writing on his forhead reads it, and boom :P
I do believe that to be the point...
*During battle and the fighter helps out the druid(me)*
Druid: OOC Thank god for your meat-sheildy goodness
Figter:OOC Only survived that cause I was wearing full plate
Druid: *Thinks for a second* So your just a meat in a can...holy hell, I was saced by SPAM!
Took us a few minutes to recover.
My friend's constantly recurring Drow thief: Hallo. My name is Montoya. You've killed my father. Prepare to die.
I'm dead serious. This guy always plays domingo montoya.
Best line ever?
My friend's constantly recurring Drow thief: Hallo. My name is Montoya. You've killed my father. Prepare to die.
I'm dead serious. This guy always plays domingo montoya.
I assume you mean Inigo Montoya, correct?
On topic, I do rather have a hell of a quote I fired off. Eberron Campaign setting, and we're all on an airship
The current cast:
Sarah, Aasimar Paladin
Illyiana, Human Sword Sage
Leonus Kraal, Human Fighter/Samurai/Kensai
Donall, Aasimar Rogue/Swashbuckler
Jer-Hiza, Catfolk Scout
Naela, Human Gun Mage I think
Nick, Changling Warlock
Arizima, Half Faerie Dragon Half Dwarven Wizard (me)
Situation, an NPC known to my own character as Arach, had been chomped on and swallowed by what we think as a roc. It left out a rather loud screech, alerting us to its presence. Half the party had made it to the deck when Arizima dashed out, angry as she had already been trying to settle in for a night's sleep. By now it had been pretty badly beaten on, and she was ticked. Despite our Sword Sage having grappled it trying to bring it to the deck, Arizima fired off a fireball aimed right at it, yelling out "This is for waking me up and ruining my night's sleep!" Got a few chuckles out of the players because Arizima's a little love-sick over the paladin, joking about the way she'd yelled out.
Our party had split up while exploring a dwarven tomb, and the three people on my team (a gnome bard, a drow rogue, and a hulking centaur barbarian) had come across a darkened burial chamber. Suddenly, from the hallway ahead, we heard clanking chains and booming footsteps approaching.
Bard (+12 to Hide): I hide in the shadows.
Rogue (+14 to Hide): I hide in the shadows.
Centaur (-13 to Hide): I say "oh, f**k."
The villain is seated at a table and the scene is reminiscent of the Cloud City scene from Star Wars V.
MLIBEG: Ah, so you've finally arrived.
Cleric: You're trembling. Scared of us?
MLIBEG: *holds out hand, watches it shake, looks in mug, calls over headless undead minion to switch out glasses*
MLIBEG: No, just need to switch to the decapitated coffee.
PCs:
MLIBEG: No, just need to switch to the decapitated coffee.
I hope the MAJOR villains can come up with better lines than that.
A classic con but a good one; generally done (IRL) with two people. Magic, of course, allows that extra touch of class.
It doesn't require two, actually -- the usual form is that the con artist offers to sell the ring to a random passerby below its actual value because he's desperate for cash, and as a show of good faith offers to let the mark take it to be appraised. It turns out to be legit, so the mark returns ready to make the deal. The con man takes some pretext to handle the ring and covertly swaps it for a fake, originally using an "accidental" drop to cover the switch. The modern form generally uses a diamond ring and a cubic zirconium, but the con dates at least to the late 1700s, where it used a gold ring and a gold-plated brass ring and was called Fawney Rig. (That might sound familiar if you've read Sandman. Apparently the Burgess mansion was acquired under shady circumstances.)
The "typical" two-man con is the Violin Scam: Con Man #1 poses as an old man who needs money, so he pawns his old violin with the understanding that he'll be back in a week for it. Con Man #2 poses as an expert who identifies the violin as a Stradavarius worth, say, $5000. #2 gives the pawn shop owner his card in case the old man doesn't buy it out of pawn. When #1 returns, the owner tells him about his good fortune, offering to buy it for, say, $2000. The old man hesitates, but eventually is convinced. The pawn shop owner calls the number on the card, which is of course fake, and he's left holding a cheap violin while the con men split the proceeds.
You know, just in case you need a new way to use Disguise Self...
He figured that sometimes giving is better than receiving and as the party got a rather large crowd following them, he flipped a gold coin in the middle and said "Share.". It resulted in the biggest street brawl known, while my rogue stood watching. He succeeded his sleigh of hand and rather than flipping the gold coin up, he managed to show it to the crowd, quickly replace it with a small rock and flip it up in the air.
The rest of the party felt so bad because of my action, that they made sure that one of the (more helpful) beggars ended up getting a good job in the town, so he could take care of his children and wife.
DM: (to fighter) Ok, what's your AC?
Fighter: 24
DM: Alright, you feel something hit you in your neck.
Fighter: How did that hit me? I have a TOWER SHIELD on my back.
DM: (to fighter) Fine! It hits you in the back of the leg. Roll a Fortitude save.
Fighter: *rolls* 28
DM: (to sorcerer) You see an arrow fly into the wall next to you.
DM: (to fighter) Alright, you feel a little funny,
DM: (to sorcerer) As you turn around, you see two drow, they look like rouges.
Fighter: What was the save? What kind of poison was that?
DM: I'm not telling you...
DM: (to fighter) You now start to see, two dark-purple-ish... figures move towards you. Think of a blur spell, same basic effect.
*battle commences* (to save time I will edit the unnecessary parts of battle)
Sorcerer: I cast scorching ray.
*rolls*
DM: You drop one of them with one ray, the other lights the hay on the floor on fire.
DM: *rolls*
DM: (to sorcerer) You now start to feel funny, and your vision is blurred.
Fighter: DIE PRETTY COLORS!!!
*rolls*
DM: You feel as if you hit, and it crumples to the ground.
It continued a little longer as some role-playing and rest in the inn, though they haveyet to find out what the stuff was that hit them...
I do believe that to be the point...
No one said he was a nice wizard...
Scene:
A whole of bad stuff went down while I wasn't there. Some creatures snuck in and attacked the rest of the party and killed the NPC who was the right hand man to the leader of the place we were.
Character:
My character was a faerie type who's flaw was he couldn't tell the truth or at least had to embellish (a Pooka for those who know the game). They also can change into animals and mine was Australian so he had aspects of the Koala he could turn into. Also he was a lawyer.
Quote
I walked into the room with a sandwich from the kitchen while the leader was grilling the rest of my party about what had happened. everyone looked at me as I entered and I took one bite out of my food and looked around.
"I didn't do it. Nobody saw me do it. You can't prove a thing. The building blew up all by itself and she was pregnant when I got there."
At which point I turned and walked right back into the kitchen eating my sandwich leaving everyone totally dumbfounded.
I actually did this standing with while eating a sandwich and physically left the room which honestly did leave the Storyteller and the rest of players pretty speechless.
Trying to type while not getting caught by your boss means misspellings galore. But now it's fixed.
Group:
Leonus Vanalan - Changeling Warlock (Me)
Jinnix - Changeling Rogue
Esikiel d'Jorasco - Halfling Cleric
Smarovar - Gnome Artificer
"Buddy" - Warforged Barbarian/Ranger
Jens Hansen - Elan Soulknife
Last session (our third, not counting the intro-session), our resident rogue was absent, which at first didn't seem much of a problem.
First situation:
Having fought the previous session without our artificer he is fully loaded with infusions and ready to fight. We reach a warehouse, where we start fighting with a few undead and a couple of humans. Our artificer pulls out his crossbow and fires at an unhurt opponent.
*rolls damage*
Smarovar (OOC): *rolls damage* 13 damage!
Rest of table: Huh!?
Smarovar (OOC): It's Human-bane.
Buddy (OOC): Well, we only have one human in our group... wait (points at me), you're a changeling. Okay, we have no humans in our group.
Second situation
While travelling back to our means of transportation, we meet a vampiric figure in the road. He smiles, barring his fangs and asks if we "want to play." I blast him for 7 damage (max damage on a non-crit!) and we roll initiative.
*The vampire summons fog to conceal himself in, while calling for his "undead friends"*
*Buddy runs into the fog and slashes at the vampire, but fails to connect*
*I run into the fog and send an eldritch blast towards his location and manage to hit him again, just before his outline disappears again*
Buddy (OOC): So... are there any undead on the way
DM: Nope.
Me: I yell: "Coward!" and start walking again.
Third situation
We are being guided by a man named Failin, who made us pay a considerable price for him to bring us here, but seeing as how his elementally driven vehicle is much faster than walking we want to keep him around. Now, we've realized that we never got him to agree to this and that we're going to have to renegotiate.
Failin: So, back to Ru'khaan'draal?
Buddy: No.
Failin: I don't understand.
Me: We need you to take us to this location *points to our homemade map to a specific location in the Mournlands*
Failin: But that's in the Mournlands!
Me: Yes?
Failin: Have any of you ever been there!?
*I look at my bluff modifier, then my d20 before picking up the dice and rolling*
Me: Yes. *looks at dice* Bluff 25.
*DM rolls sense motive*
DM: He seems greatly reassured at this.
Fourth situation
Entering the Mournlands, we arrive on a battlefield where dead Brelanders and Valenar elves lie freshly dead. Some places the people are even still bleeding, despite the fact that these people should've died four years ago.
Failin: Eh...
Me: That's normal around here *rolls bluff* Bluff 19
*rest of group rolls sense motive; three successes*
Smarovar: I pat you on the back, saying: "sure it is"
Me (OOC): I don't care about you, I just want to make sure our guide doesn't run away.
Fifth situation
We're searching the battlefield, using my detect magic as a radar, when our Warforged (who keeps the bag of holding and therefore collects the items) is jumped by a large monster of some sort. We fight and slay it in a few rounds.
Me (imitating a shaky voice): Don't worry, there's only one of those in the Mournlands. *rolls bluff* Bluff 30.
Smarovar (OOC): Even with my +20 bonus for that unbelievable amount of bulls**t, I still believe you.
This was the same session where we killed a Living Fireball with Create Water...
- Quote by Wong Nai'Fei, an Adult Blue Dragon, one round before he went down to a dwarf with a rocket launcher.
"Eat this."
- Quote by Durok Harash, the dwarf with the rocket launcher.
[Elysium Nebula]
Berginyon(me)-Drow mage/priest
Kale -half-orc assassin
Kitiara-halfling thief
Danspoen-human fighter
The party met in the underdark while all were simultaneously seperately running from people who wanted to kill them for a variety of reasons. After an adventure or 2 they needed to go to a surface village. They come across a farm that has some horses that will make the trip much faster.
Kitaria- I got the horses, now lets go.
Kale- you didnt steal those did u, we cant afford to leave a trail so people
find us.
Kitaria- If by steal u mean kill the family, loot their bodies, eat some food,
play with the dog, then take the horses......then yes.
A short time later as Berginyon finally figures out how to saddle his horse.
Berginyon- how does this thing work?
Kitaria-Let me show you how to mount your horse.
Berginyon- EWWW!!! How is that even anatomicaly possible????
Kitaria- I mean let me show you how to ride it.
Berginyon- Is this going to cost me any gold?!?!?!
Kale(ooc)-congrats, you invented the donkey show
DM: The Shopkeeper smiles and looks at your, gesturing around his shop "And what would you like to buy?"
One of my friends: I don't know, the DM didn't describe the shop to us.
I don't recall the specific incident in which this happened, but somehow, our talk turned to this:
Solithun (The Rogue): Matthias, you're such a Jew.
Me: Matthias isn't Jewish, he's human.
That's fine; I think I'll use that name in the future. Al Awyer... see how long it takes my players to figure that one out.
Another good one, especially for an elf, because it just sounds elves, is Theeter Nalvirgin.
My friend Brian suggested that one.:D
Berginyon(me)-drow mage/priest
Kale-Half-orc assassin
Kitiara-halfing thief
Danspoen-human fighter
We were hired to assassinate a noble family in some city. The family consisted of the husband, the wife, and three sons, the eldest of whom obviously rode the short carriage to school. We bluffed our way into dinner invatations where we were going to make our move.
Son- I have to go pee. I'll be right back.
Kale-I'll go to, just to make sure nothing bad happens *wink wink*
Berginyon- Good idea, he does seem the type to eat the urinal cake.
Player 1 - "My young master attacks the bugbear"
DM - "Which one exactly?"
Player 1 - "The Fuzzy one!"
DM - "Ummmm .... which one??"
Player - "THE ONE THAT LOOKS LIKE A BEAR!"
DM - "Ummm ... they ... are ... all ... Bugbears"
Rest of the table -
..which led to the swashbuckler's observation: "Let [the Beguiler] do it. He could probably talk someone into shaving a bear as a favor."
Make him Lawful Neutral and have him enforce the laws when it's in his favor and find loop holes when it's not. I think that would be pretty funny. Let me know how it works out.
That's not Lawful Neutral, that's Lawful Evil...
good aligned go out of their way to help people
evil aligned go out of their way to hurt people
and those that don't do either or do both equally often are neutral
of course there's then the differences about what exactly hurts or helps people... but the lawyer would probably be neutral on that axis
As to the other axis, that lawyer couldn't be lawful... unless when he can't find a loophole he concedes the point and succumbs to the consequences... and even then that's a stretch cuz he wouldn't be following the spirit of the law a lot of the time, which violates lawful in my mind.
I'd say true neutral (or chaotic neutral, if he's simply out for what's best for him and will twist any law or lie about laws to get what he wants) for our lawyer friend to be the rules lawyer he's being portrayed as.
The lines between alignments are so fuzzy... myself, i prefer to look at the good-evil axis thus:
good aligned go out of their way to help people
evil aligned go out of their way to hurt people
and those that don't do either or do both equally often are neutral
of course there's then the differences about what exactly hurts or helps people... but the lawyer would probably be neutral on that axis
As to the other axis, that lawyer couldn't be lawful... unless when he can't find a loophole he concedes the point and succumbs to the consequences... and even then that's a stretch cuz he wouldn't be following the spirit of the law a lot of the time, which violates lawful in my mind.
I'd say true neutral (or chaotic neutral, if he's simply out for what's best for him and will twist any law or lie about laws to get what he wants) for our lawyer friend to be the rules lawyer he's being portrayed as.
There are many occasions when inaction leads to suffering of others on a great scale - and where a Neutral might shout "look out!" an evil person would smirk and say nothing ...
The vast majority of people see themselves as Good. They are either Good and noble with it (real Good), Good but not so committed as to risk anything (real Neutral) or Good by a standard other people don't understand (real Evil).
But this isn't an alignment discussion thread!
Cuddles- LN (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Barbed Devil
Castus- LG Pevishann Sorcerer
Kano- LN Elven Fighter, mute
Barsad- LG Elven Paladin
There's one Evil Temple Guard left (they killed his companions) so the party decides to take him alive. They're in the Temple Guards' rec room.
Castus: I don't have any spells that deal nonleathal damage! Unless....
The guard was knocked out using many Mage Handed beer mugs to the head.
DM (Me): The Guard is now battered, bruised, soaked in alcohol, and surrounded.
Barsad: Surrender!
Guard: Never!
Cuddles: Produce Flame!
OOC: I hold it next to his bear-soaked clothes.Guard:
I surrender!Searching a wine cellar for a secret door. The rogue has already done a few unsuccessful search checks, and eveyone's getting impatient
Cuddles: That's it, I'm setting this place on fire!
Glin: No way! Alcohol tends to EXPLODE!
Cuddles: Exactly :D
They find their way downstairs into a room full of bodies with some mummies stacking the corpses.
DM: One of the Zombies has dragon wings, horns, and is bald, the next one is 5' tall with goat legs and horns, and the last one is an anthro feline with a mummified owl on her shoulder.
Everyone: :OMG! Our old characters?!?!
Cuddles: OOC You are the only DM where our past mistakes actually come back to haunt us!
Castus: I cast Control Undead on the Specter who's commanding all the Zombies!
Specter: (Rolls Will = 1) What is your will, Master?
Castus: Call off your hordes, and send them to attack the Yuan-ti in the South instead!
DM: The Specter whips out a femur *puts up little finger and thumb like talking into an imaginary cell phone* and starts relaying the change in orders.
Kano: OOC I wanna FemurPhone!
They're finally facing Bintary, the villain who's dogged their steps from Day 1.
Cuddles: I charge him! *Rolls nat 1, trips* I meant to do that...
DM: Bintary's turn *Rolls exactly enough damage to kill Cuddles* He severs your head right from your shoulders.
Everybody: Noooo!
Cuddles: OOC Wait, aren't I wearing a necklace of fireballs?
Cuddles's last words as he explodes, taking Bintary with him:
I'm hungryyyyyy....
At last, they're about to board the celestial ship crewed by the souls of dead heroes, so they can sail to the island that is their reward for saving the king's life.
DM: One of the misty figures walks out of the cabin towards you, getting more solid as it goes until a 7-foot tall dark-skinned creature covered with golden spikes stands before you.
Cuddles: Hi guys!
:D OOC Look who's finally Lawful Good!
Now Cuddles has the sanctified Fiend template... go figure!
PS: This is the last post of the year, and it was the last game of the year too, because we're all in school. Keep checking my Webcomic, though, and lookout for us next September!
Cuddles- LN (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Barbed Devil
Castus- LG Pevishann Sorcerer
Kano- LN Elven Fighter, mute
Barsad- LG Elven Paladin
Thank you very much!
A few more I forgot to add:Trying to charm the captured guard:
Cuddles: *Casting Charm Monster and speaking in a really creepy voice* I'm your frieeeeeeend
!DM:
Barsad OOC: We own an island now! Awesome! We can oppress the peasantry into giving us all their meager wages and force the shopkeepers to give us adventuring suppies for FREE! We'll be INVINCIBLE!!!!
DM: Dude, you're the paladin...
On another note:
Also, someone suggested a top 20. Well, I'd like to submit my nomination for any story by:
Need_A_Life
Rickiel (Raz stories preferred)
Kittencaboodle
Arjehy (sp.?)
Goon For Hire
I nominate them because, out of all the posts, they come up with the most consistently entertaining.
Thank you so much, I feel so cool now!
As for the link, I just fixed it. Be warned, though, some of what's up there now is and Art Class project, not DF... to be remedied soon.
Well... We were in the basment of a pub owner named One Thumb. and we are moveing casks, Well me being a Chaotic Theive I dont want to do anything at the moment so Im looking around. And I find a door...
Me: I wonder...Should we go threw it...There might be treasure we can replace the gold that Sarah lost playing dice.
Rob: There could be casks down there...We could go move the casks.
SO we go threw the door and come accross this tunnel that leads into a huge cave. Well I walk into the cave because we thought it would be abandond for there werent any signs of anything on the way to this huge cave.
Well as soon as Rob sees the colbolds around this Realy powerful looking mage He screams
Rob: GOT ANY CASKS OVER THERE?
Me: Well At least I wont be the first to die...
About 12 round later my friend sarah gets killed by the mage who only ended up haveing like 20 hp.
Me: *about to hit rob up the head* Well the mage is dead because the Theif stabbed him in the back while the fighter hid in the corner. And then gnome is dead because the fighter that hid in the corner was soposed to watch out for the gnome while I the THEIF had to play robin hood and save Maid Marrian *cough* WIL *cough* and....
DM: all of a sudden a dragon about 100 ft long comes out of what you thought was a big pile of hay...
Me: *still Ranting* you know what i could just kill you right now and take....Did he just say DRAGON?????
Rob: I'm not sure maybe if you werent yelling at me we would..
DM: You hear a growl comeing from right behind you...
Rob: *turns around* Do YOU have any casks??:D
Setting: Iron Kingdoms (Think D+D with steam revelution)
Cast:
Fang: Tharn (Shifter+Barbarian+Kick***) Barbarian with...ADD...yeah...Played by Krognac's player.
Priest: 90 year old father in a tent that acts as a church. NPC.
Rest: To come later. We had a short group and didnt really get to do much.
Situation: Fang finds himself in a small no horse town, and bored out of his skull, Fang decided to visit the large tent that served as the local church. The exchange went something like this:
Priest: "What ails you my friend?" (Yes, I started quoting Diablo. It was a crazy day)
Fang: *walks up and grabs the priest by the sholders, bellowing at the top of his lungs* "YOUR GOD DOES NOT LOVE YOU! HE JUST WANTS TO BE FRIENDS! YOUR PRAYERS DISTURB AND SICKEN HIM! YOU SHOULD GET A NEW GOD!"
Priest: AAAAHH! *dies instantly of a heart attack*
Fang:...Oops...
He then sets fire to the tent, then runs out into a bunch of guards. He then rolls an intimidate check...
Fang: "HI! WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?"
*Rolls intimidate check with a -20 for being friendly...gets a 13 after rolling a natural 20*
*Guards roll and get a...1...*
Guards: ...Help me...
Me: "Your scent ability detects some...stink from the general area of ...ALL of the guards pants...they start running. You just scared some guards ****less by saying hello. You just made my day." *Said slowly and with an even tone*
It for now, more to come during other groups.
We're nearing the end. We've found one of the two keys, and we enter a room.
There's an altar with 2 cups. One is made of gold and it has the holy symbol of Pelor on it. The other is made of bone and it has the holy symbol of Vecna on it. Both contain an identical dark liquid.
An inscription on the altar reads:
In choosing to drink, you set yourself on a path. One leads to enlightenment, and the other to untimely death. The question is of judgement. How should one judge another?
At first we were thinking that Pelor = sun god = enlightenment. But with the "judgement" question, we figured that choosing Pelor meant "you should judge someone on their outward appearance" and choosing Vecna meant "you should judge someone on their secrets".
Our DM actually made the two drinks out of Pepsi and Tabasco sauce.
Our cleric chooses to drink the Vecna glass. He falls over dead (in the game). He starts coughing (in real life).
So I say, "Fine. I drink the other one."
DM: "You die too."
The real answer is that you shouldn't judge another. The riddle said "in choosing to drink". Drinking either would kill you. Not drinking is the solution. In the bottom of each glass was an inscription of where to pour its contents, revealing the key.
Great riddle.
Our DM actually made the two drinks out of Pepsi and Tabasco sauce.
Our cleric chooses to drink the Vecna glass. He falls over dead (in the game). He starts coughing (in real life).
Now that's commitment. Oh, and "props for the win" I guess
as he approched the counter an elderly man sitting in a lavish chair asks
"What can i do for you?"
Without even skipping a beat he replays
"im intrested in this"
it took everyone a minute to get the refrence but soon no one could stop laughing as we all recalled the stupid librairian from Castlevania SotN ah good times.
DM: Suddenly, two small dinosaurs leap form the foliage. They hiss at you. One of them spits a glob a green liquid at your eye, Darbenok. Make a fortitude check.
Me (Darbenok): Crap. Thats... 4, total.
DM: Okay, you're blinded.
Ezekiel (paladin): Don't worry, I'll kill it. (Swings longsword) 7, rats, I miss.
DM: Okay, now it's the second dinosaur's turn. Zeke, he spits at you. Fortitude check.
Zeke: 6.
DM: You're blind too.
Zeke:
Nai (rogue): here, I'll take them. (stabs with rapier) What?! A 12?
DM: The first dinosaur spits at you. Make a fortitude check.
Zeke: 5. you've got to be kididng.
DM: As the three of you are rolling on the ground in agony, the small dinosaurs make their escape.
Me: We shall never speak of this.
My human fighter hands him a three page, handwritten list
HW:What's this?
me:All the different ways I've killed men bigger than you with my bare hands.
DM: "...with his last power he slides his hand under his robe and starts fumbling around to..."
at this point the party was laughing for a good few minutes...
but of course all he did was taking of an amulet to give it to the party to deliver it to the castle
The party ninja decides to circumvent this by taking out the brain. He ghost-steps over and starts rolling his sudden strike dice along with the kukri damage.
DM: You can't do that.
Ninja: Why not? I'm invisible.
DM: Well, for starters, it doesn't have a discernable anatomy....
Ninja: Sure it does. It's got a brain - I can see it right there!
DM:
DM: You can't do that.
Ninja: Why not? I'm invisible.
DM: Well, for starters, it doesn't have a discernable anatomy....
Ninja: Sure it does. It's got a brain - I can see it right there!
DM:
You ninja player gets a
-Archivist: Behind this door at your left is the torture room, behind the door at your right is the void, at the end of the...
-Me (interrupting): The Void ? already been there, thanks to a deck of many things...
-Archivist: It's not The Void, it's the void...
-Me: Are you telling me that the void is devoid of The Void ?
-Selena
Characters:
Stupidly high level necromancer, twilight elf (offshoot of the drow)
Even more stupidly high level human wizard/cleric, currently incapacitated by a headband that reduced all mental stats to 6
A rogue/shadowdancer...his Hide's so good, it's sick
A duskblade who thinks she's a wizard
a half celestial drow tempest...can we say BEATSTICK
What happened is this...my character had been tricked into following a stupid shapechanging cat, got herself Power Word Stunned, and the rakshasa slapped that headband of idiocy on her. Well, my good friend the necromancer found out, traced where it took me, and went to Hell to save me. It turns out that the rakshasa had a reputation for holding auctions for "unique and interesting items", so a number of evil creatures (and one mercane) had been invited.
My character was, of course, the "item" being auctioned off. I guess archmages sell well on some planes or something.
Anyway, he managed to get into the castle by pretending to be one of the creatures invited- he bullied his way in, if I recall. Shortly after he found out I was indeed being held there, everyone heard the distinctive screech from a Wail of the Banshee spell.
He managed to break the curse on me, and I asked what had happened with the auction...and he said this:
"Oh, I gave them an offer to die for."
All of us almost died laughing, and still laugh about it to this day.
The other three people ended up being shoved into the slave pits, due to necessary lies to keeep them alive.
Players traveled into the future by some weird way we have yet to figure out, but when they discover that it's 37 years since they "left" and all their relatives are dead
me semi-quotiung Futurama: "my parents, my friends. They're all dead... Yahooo!"
My character was possessed by a powerful demon. I was on the back of a car, in the middle of a colossal magical duel with a former team member.
The group's leader, a backstabbing middle manager, was driving the car. He was also screaming,
"LA LA LA, I'M JUST DRIVING A CAR! NOT DOING ANYTHING PARADOXICAL AT ALL! PLEASE DON'T ANNIHILATE ME, UNIVERSE!"
***
Later, in a sci-fi game. We're a goon hit squad, and have captured a group of insurgents. While taking them back to HQ, we gave them questionnaires.
Were your bindings
a) Too lose?
b) Too tight?
c) Just right?
On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your brutal beating followed by kidnapping?
How would you rate the Executive Solutions Goon Squad customer service? Did they smile?
Would you like to make any suggestions to help make any future beating-kidnapping combinations by ExSol more efficient or satisfactory?
We value your suggestions!
(Needless to say, we didn't untie or ungag them enough for them to answer)
Mage: The Ascension game. Gist of it is that it's a modern setting, and when mages over-use Magic they create a Paradox which can erase them from existence.
My character was possessed by a powerful demon. I was on the back of a car, in the middle of a colossal magical duel with a former team member.
The group's leader, a backstabbing middle manager, was driving the car. He was also screaming,
"LA LA LA, I'M JUST DRIVING A CAR! NOT DOING ANYTHING PARADOXICAL AT ALL! PLEASE DON'T ANNIHILATE ME, UNIVERSE!"
***
Later, in a sci-fi game. We're a goon hit squad, and have captured a group of insurgents. While taking them back to HQ, we gave them questionnaires.
Were your bindings
a) Too lose?
b) Too tight?
c) Just right?
On a scale of one to ten, how would you rate your brutal beating followed by kidnapping?
How would you rate the Executive Solutions Goon Squad customer service? Did they smile?
Would you like to make any suggestions to help make any future beating-kidnapping combinations by ExSol more efficient or satisfactory?
We value your suggestions!
(Needless to say, we didn't untie or ungag them enough for them to answer)
I love the first one. The second one gave me an idea for my next character. At least one quirk. He carries around a clip board and a form, asking his opponents to rate the quality of the
-kicking he just gave them.Of late, a *remarkably* blonde female elven Paladin had come to town (For those of you familiar with Tenchi Muyo, think Mihoshi), investigating sightings of a Barbed Devil and a Succubus roaming the landscape. (The result of events already chronicled in the DM forum somewhere...)
A fine evening in the local tavern, the Succubus is dedicating herself to drink and flirtation, when the Paladin, now patrolling through the town, scans the tavern, and discovers that this attractive woman is *gasp* Evil!
Barkeep tells Paladin to take it outside, whereupon Succubus trots to the door to pat the poor Paladin's cheek. One grapple check later, Paladin attempts to Smite the succubus... and misses pathetically. Succubus teleports back inside. A while later, the Succubus trots back out to meet an angry, patient Paladin, whom she... well... Enchantment spells, plus obscenely high Charisma versus a negative Wisdom modifier... A little while later, the Succubus had stripped the poor elf of her Paladinhood, and several other things, as only a Succubus can.
As the Succubus returns home to brag, the Rakshasa glares at her (he's got a thing for Elves), and asks "Which gender were you at the time? 'Cause if you were a woman at the time, I can work with that."
The next five minutes were spent trying to counter the mental derailment (again).
...
As the Succubus returns home to brag, the Rakshasa glares at her (he's got a thing for Elves), and asks "Which gender were you at the time? 'Cause if you were a woman at the time, I can work with that."
The next five minutes were spent trying to counter the mental derailment (again).
(Gets sudden mental picture of a Rakshasa 'working with that'.)
My brain! MY BRAIN!!! IT BURNS!!!Somebody get me an extra-strength Modify Memory, quick!
(Gets sudden mental picture of a Rakshasa 'working with that'.)
Somebody get me an extra-strength Modify Memory, quick!
Aww, poor thing... Don't like the idea of the big ol' nasty Rakshasa doing unspeakable, or at least unpronouncable things with an Elf and a Succubus, huh? :D
What I'm sure is horrifying him more is the idea of what the Rakshasa is "working with" when he's bereft of both Elf & Succubus
That is exactly right. The rakshasa with the elf and succubus isn't really an image that bothers me. :P But the picture of backward-hands-lion-man 'giving himself a treat' is one of those things that both induces nausea and refuses to get out of one's head, like when you see a dog or cat throw up right in front of you.
Now I'm going to stop discussing this, and suggest we all do the same, lest the great and mighty WizOs boot us over to Mature Topics.
Korak: N Warforged Barbarain/WF Charger. Only two years old, capable of turning most opponents to paste.
Rubiyad: AKA Rubi Gnome Beguiler, Alingment unknown.
Torm: Human Cleric of Aureon. Character is LG, Player is...slightly less lawful.
Rash: CN Half-elf Sorcerer with a downright crazy bluff modifier (+17!). Currently has horns thanks to a (probably) evil artifact that works like a Rod of Wonder on acid.
Setting: Ebberon
Our hero's are infiltrating a evil temple of Cult of the Dragon Below, when they encounter a trio of troglodyte clerics! Our hero's try to bluff our way out. It doesn't work. A fight ensues, and Rash pulls out the Rod of Wonder on Aicd™.
Dm: Roll a d100.
Rash rolls a 82
DM: Oh my. Roll again.
Rash(OOC): Thanks for letting me re-roll.
DM: This isn't a do-over. This is a subroll.
Torm(OOC): AWESOME!
The rod conjures up a massive Warfoged Titan, who squishes the two clerics. We're feeling pretty confident as Then, disaster stikes.
DM: (Makes a few rolls) The third troglodyte is squished by the Titan's massive hammer. Rash, make a wisdom check.
Rash makes the check.
DM: It occurs to you that while you did summon it here, you might have diddly in the way of control over it.
Rash: F***!
A few rounds later, there's more Mirror Images than in a silver labyrinth thanks to our casters, and the fight is not going to well for the heroes. In desperation, Rash once again takes out the funky Rod of Wonder.
Torm(OOC): I hope its a BFG 9000.
Rash rolls an 82.
DM: Hooooooly mackerel. A bolt of bright purple arcane energy blasts forth from the rod, striking the titan dead center of its chest and tearing its innards out. It falls back, smoldering slightly.
Torm(OOC): We did get a BFG 9000! Just in rod form!
In our previous module, we fought an angry hermit who was corrupted by a powerful demon. The hermit proclaimed that he was now possessed by a great evil, and the only way to save him was to kill him.
Next game, we are beset by hungry wolves. I - as the Druid - steps forwards and uses my Wild Empathy to tell them to back off. I roll a one on this check, and they growl at me.
Me: They resisted MY Wild Empathy!? These wolves are obviously possessed by a great evil! The only way to save them is to kill them!
(My Druidic status was given an audit at that point).
Me: "So, may we assume you're the one to address regarding this issue?"
Magistrate: "You know what they say about assuming, right?"
Me: "I think so, but the translation's a bit off, I fear. Something about the two of us and a donkey?"
Ahh, too bad it was an online game, over IRC - I'd so love to see the DM's face at that moment... :D
DM: "Any more questions?" he asks, staring at you with his red glowing eyes.
Halfling Rogue: "Can you twinkle with one eye only?"
(
if you get the reference)congrats to everyone who posted I think you have all done an amazing job. (PS does anyone think it would be cool for my Sorcerer and my Incarnate to simultaneously do a frontflip onto a roof using airstep sandals and Fly, swift?)
Someday, I should re-read it all myself, and list up any names of posters whom I should approve...
Speaking of which, I have seriously got to remember the link for that stamp. And get an actual such stamp to boot!
Berginyon(me)- Drow mage /priest
Kale- Half-orc assassin
Kitiaria- Hafling thief
Danspoen-Human fighter
The group was about to enter Cormyr, a LG kingdom with a killer customs procedure. When an army patrol spotted u, they logged u in and took any any magical goodies that might "benefit the kingdom". We had just encountered such a patrol.
Soldier1- You there drow, halt, u are under arrest!
Berginyon- What for, I just got here, i havent had time to do
anything yet.
Soldier1- Youre drow, a race known for its evil and cruelty. Do not try to run.
Berginyon- Thats profiling, and profiling is wrong.
Soldier1- Rodney, hook'em up.
Rodney- I have to inform u drow, that if u try to escape, lethal force is authorized and highly suggested.
Berginyon gets hooked up and the mage with the patrol starts to go thru the groups magic stuff.
Mage- What is this staff?
Kitiaria- Its extends into an 11 foot pole.
Mage- Why do u have an 11 foot pole?
Kitiaria- For those things i wouldnt touch with a 10 foot pole.
Manager Williams: Backstabbing SOB
Sara: Bleeding Heart Coms officer
Legion: So, when will you let me out?
Manager Williams: We're NOT going to let you out!
Legion: Why not?
M: You want to kill everyone!
L: That is my function, yes. I believe your people programmed me to do so.
M: Well we don't want to kill everyone!
L: Then why did you create me?
M: When we have Werewolf DNA, then we can program you to only kill werewolves.
L: So, why won't you release me now?
M: Because you'll kill everyone!
L: So you'll release me some time in the future?
M: Yes, some time in the future.
Legion: Oh good. *Crate suddenly goes into hyper-alert, with a large red box on the datascreen reading ARMED.*
M: Oh ****.
Sara: You walked right into that one.
The next one is a little bit offensive, and none of us really believe or support it. It was a joke from Williams to try and provoke Sara. I sblocked it just in case, but remember, the character - not the player - is the horrible racist. He's a horrible person overall, really, but in a particularly funny way.
Show
Williams: "Sarah, it's AFRICA. Now, I'm not racist. There are enlightened and urbane black people living in America. But these are *Africans*! They're prepared to wage wars of genocide over who sodomized who's goat five hundred generations back! We're just supplying them the guns they need to kill each other with. They'd kill each other anyway. We're doing the world a favor - we're letting them kill each other faster, so hopefully they'll wipe each other out at long last!"
Williams: "Sarah, it's AFRICA. Now, I'm not racist. There are enlightened and urbane black people living in America. But these are *Africans*! They're prepared to wage wars of genocide over who sodomized who's goat five hundred generations back! We're just supplying them the guns they need to kill each other with. They'd kill each other anyway. We're doing the world a favor - we're letting them kill each other faster, so hopefully they'll wipe each other out at long last!"
Me - So I was told I'm just like one of the guys... AND the girls.
Friend - Apparently you've got that hermaphroditic feel
Me -
That reminds me of a friend's comment on an XBox game called "Brute Force". It's kind of a "Star Wars Republic Commando" wannabe. The main character, Tex, is more than a little racist, mysogynistic, and so on. First he complains about having an alien put on his squad, then he complains about the female stealth operative. When the (black female) cyborg sniper showed up, my friend says (as if Tex), "Sir, she's not even human! ...AND she's a cyborg!"
That is just a bad, bad thing to say ....
.... about a sniper.
(it would have been sooner, but I hadn't needed to speak until then). Man, that Githyanki commander had no sense of humor.....
Bran: Level 3 Jedi Guardian - Human
Whicker: Level 3 Force Adept - Ewok
Whicker has been pestering Bran, trying to get him to be his mentor and teach him the ways of the Jedi. Bran finally says that if Whicker can beat him in a duel using lightsabers set to stun, he would give in and teach him. Keep in mind that a Guardian has the hitpoints of a fighter while the adepts have the hitpoints of a sorc....
B: Here, take my practice lightsaber. Remember, you have to beat me for me to start teaching you.
W: (Looks at the lightsabeer, then waves his hand) You forfeit and think it would be a good idea to teach me.
B: (rolls his dice) .... .... .... I forfeit and think it would be a good idea to teach you...
B: (ooc) bast***
Speaking of which, I have seriously got to remember the link for that stamp. And get an actual such stamp to boot!
Lols rickiel, you should print them up and snail mail them to people you approve
or when you make the real stamp you could just walk around and when someone makes you chuckle slam it into their forehead so it lets everyone they meet know that you thought they were funny at somepoint within the last 24 hours
Guy: And then the warforged said, "Yeah, but does it work in the Realms?" and the Artificer said: "You need an adapter".
Rickiel: Hahahahah! *Stamp*
Guy: Ugh... *slumps to floor*
Rickiel: Hmm. I probably shouldn't whack people with something that leaves an imprint of my name on their forehead. Plus, he hasn't washed in the last 24 hours, so now my stamp is all dirty.
in a stupidly high level game there was a psion a mystic theruge(sp?) and a couple of others . We were faced with a balor well the psion shot it with a empowered disintergrate(sp?) this brought said bady to 1hp well the mystic theruge steps up and magic missels it, Killing the balor in 1 hit with a zero level spell.
though it may have been cooler if he used ray of frost
Ray of Flame would have been more beautifully ironic
And neither spell would have worked to defeat a Balor. Things to remember, Balors are IMMUNE to fire, and have Cold Resistance 10.
Although, ray of frost has been known to reach insane damage highs. I'm also sure one could Energy Substitution the ray of flame, "Haha! Now I burn you into oblivion using this freezing cold ray!"
BBEG is going on and on with his monologue of how he's going to make the PCs fight to the death or kill an entire village.
BBEG: "I think I will have great pleasure from watching such great friends murder each other. I think that you should suffer as I have. I think-"
Duskblade: "I think you're boring me." (acts as if filing her nails)
We all just about died laughing.
Korgoth(Barbarian):I hate kobolds
DM: everyone hates kobolds, they very easy to hate
Korgoth: no, i mean I have a burinng hatred for kobolds!
DM: blah, blah, blah
Korgoth: hmmm...
scibbles something on character sheet in the items category
DM: what was that? What did you write down?
Korgoth: burning kobold hatred
After a long day fighting nothing but kobolds and dragonkin...
Korgoth(Barbarian):I hate kobolds
DM: everyone hates kobolds, they very easy to hate
Korgoth: no, i mean I have a burinng hatred for kobolds!
DM: blah, blah, blah
Korgoth: hmmm...
scibbles something on character sheet in the items category
DM: what was that? What did you write down?
Korgoth: burning kobold hatred
I love that, and would probably have dropped a flaming greataxe of kobold bane into the next treasure hoard. (Assuming, of course, it wouldn't unbalance the treasure.)
in my game:
Me (DM): So you spend the three weeks at the keep trying to convert the followers of Hieronious over to Pelor?
Cleric of Pelor: Yup.
Female Half-Orc Barbrian: Me too! "PELOR MAKE YOU PRETTY!"
Me: Oh, I can just see this at level 18... There'll be this wizend old cleric of Nerull walking up to his altar... He'll fall down on his knees, look up at the sky, and say "Nerull, forgive me. She was scary..."
Cleric, Barbarian, Rogue, and Paladin:
second session of the new (eww, age of worms) campaign had some seriously good lines in it:
Party is 3rd level, tho the two newest members (roommate, a wood-elf crusader, and I, a grey elf wizard), are 2nd level. The rest of the party consists of a halfling rogue (that nobody respects), a cleric, and a palidan.
So, some of the lines from our game:
"I am stable! Dead is stable!"
(regarding the palidan, who died in the last battle) "I'm especially sorry about losing .... (ooc: What was his name?)
"I'm a halfling, my name's Bit" ... "Name's B**ch?"
(our DM) "Actually, I've read the D&D For dummies book, it really helped alot!" (another player) "....And what does that tell you?"
"I know what we can do! Take those bottles of Alchemist's Fire, and strap them to the halfling-- then throw him!"
(later...) "Just throw the halfling down, then he can tell us if it's bottomless!"
(regarding the description of a trap the halfling found) "You could hurt someone with that!" DM: "Umm... yeah, it's a trap!" *Halfling promptly rolls a 1 on disarming it*
DM: "He throws you, aaand.... you become part of the wall." "..." "Well, I guess I made an impression then!"
"You see the halfling do a 'Mario bros.' jump!
Our Crusader: "I need healing! you! let me punch you!"
Glowing Tree:You possess the ability to use magic, young one...
Fighter:Magic? There's no such thing as magic!
Tree:You're talking to a glowing tree.
Fighter:You have a good point...
My party and I were being knighted for completing some quest. Pretty typical stuff, [name] the Brave, [name] the Wise, whatever. Lastly the knighting King made it to my friend, who we always teased and made fun of. He joined the group late and we basically pretended he was useless even though he wasn't.
King: And you! [name] the...
Me (interrupting, shouting): RIDICULOUSLY UNNECESSARY!!!
The DM said the crowd cheered, even though he was outraged, and everywhere we went in town and around the continent, people seemed to have heard of Baebel the Ridiculously Unnecessary.
Quickie: A friends Warlock's name was Morlock. Morlock the Warlock. He made certain to say "Morlock the Warlock" every time he introduced himself, and would NOT respond to Morlock unless followed by Warlock.
And we derailed with the events from the Monster campaign...
GM: "Yes, that's a strange campaign. Anyways, you've just chucked Deadpool's severed arms into the walking refridgerator..."
...After which we all wondered for a bit where the threshold for "weird" really goes in our circles.
d20 modern, fighter gains level of sorceror...
Glowing Tree:You possess the ability to use magic, young one...
Fighter:Magic? There's no such thing as magic!
Tree:You're talking to a glowing tree.
Fighter:You have a good point...
lol. 1-800-magic.
in the party said I wish we could fight something my size. Just then an
ogre opened the door to help out in the fight.
This the the player's first campaign and the party is only 2-3 level
so he has never fought anything that big yet.
After killing the ogre the party cleric asked him not to wish for anything again.
DM: Alright, Arhkan, you see something coming over the hills, the tip of a mast with a bit if sails. It bobs back down and a few moments later comes back up, showing you the distinct full bore of sails. At this moment, you realize you are facing away from the sea.
PC(Other one): Wait...what?
DM: As the ship comes over the hill and you see Caspian(My character) standing atop the mast, you see beneath the ship three hundred kobalds, doing their best to sprint towards you.
And the rest of the group was amazed...cost me 1,500 gold.
DM:...you see beneath the ship three hundred kobalds, doing their best to sprint towards you.
I have to say it: "THIS. IS. HEAVY TIMBA'!"
----------------------
This was a while back, during my Construct Madness campaign, I think. Basically, my stutter made me replace "awoken" with "roused", and the stutter made matters much, much worse:
DM: Okay, in the morning you are ah...roused by...
(Both F4-17 & Sieghard start laughing)
F4-17: Aroused? Who by?
DM: Mother, who-
#laughter for about 10 minutes#
The issue being that "Mother" is the name of the Construct sentience in the building they were in.
Later on, in In Blackest Night, the pair confront a crime lord in a small town:
DM: You think you can come inna my town and start messin wit' my things? (Attempting a Yorkshire accent, didn't work)
Sieghard: Who are you?
F4-17: He's talking like the Godfather, who do you think?
#After a few moments of laughter, I decide to play along#
DM: Relax when I say, he doesn't control the stables...yet
Half-orc: *sings*
DM: You sure?
Ho: Yes.
DM: Roll a.. Oh wait.. Jail cells barely hold you. Take 3 pts of damage.
Ho: *sings again*
DM: Wow.(rolls a crit) You take 10 pts of damage from a rock.
Half orc passes out.
Scene: Just had a battle with a shapechanging spider-thing and my cleric was at -1 hp and stable.
Moth (the rogue): I'll search the monster.
Bard who's name I have just forgotten: I'll search the claric.
Me: Hey! I'm not dead yet!
And at the end of the session, we got to level up! (Woo! Level 7!)
Me: *Rolls new hit points* Yay! Eight new hit points! I'm hard!
Adrian the DM: Whatever floats your boat man.
So we landed our ship and are trying to board another parked ship. Only problem is, the door can't be unlocked from the outside because it was damaged.
Kraz: Figures, either the mynocks damaged it or asteroids or weapons fire. Guess we'll have to find another way. *looks for another airlock*
Peter: Um... knock on the door? If someone's in there they'd open it right? :P
Kraz:
Right, you do that, I'll have them open the door for you when I manage to reach them. *looks around and walks off*Peter: 'Someone doesn't have a sense of humor... Hell, why not?' *knocks on the door*
The men inside wave for Peter to move. Once he does so they open the door.
Peter:
*waves Kraz over*Kraz: :OMG! What the!? No way! How the hell did you get it open?
Peter: I knocked on the door.
Kraz:
Peter:
We arrive, and the DM begins to setup, pulling out his DMs screen. This was heard:
"You know it's a bad sign when the DM keeps a death count on the back of his DM's Screen."
Some of the quotes of deaths were:
Invisible Rogues
Winter Wolf Breath
Squeezed by Evards
Vampiric Energy Drain (x2!)
Con Drain
Green Dragon mauling.
And my personal favorite:
Bled out with Lifechain in backpack.
The horrible thing is that four of those "Death Tags" were added on Thursday night.
That DM, who is a great DM, is now refusing to run any more "B**** Mods". Mainly because he doesn't want to take the heat for running the brutal mods.
Hariman
PS: I don't blame the DM for my character's death on Thursday. I blame the mod writer. And I did have fun. Despite Dying.
**Halfling just commited Genocide(he does that often), on a clan of Nycters, leader is a LG Rogue/Master Thrower...**
Halfling: Damn! *Casts his favorite spell, Fireball, at the Nycter, Nycter has evasion, makes save.*
Nycter Leader: *Full attack, 6 small daggers, sneakshot, totaled 1d3+3d6/dagger... all hit*
Halfling: *dies, six daggers in the body.*
Rest of the group(in tandum): We surrender.
---------------------------
*Fighting a Half-Celestial Aasimar Cleric, and two half-Celestial Dire Tigers*
Kobold Sorc: Uhhh... ummm... FEEBLEMIND!
Aasimar: *rolls a one* Duuuhhhh....
Kobold Sorc: MWahahahahah *Dire Tiger charges* Shiiiiiiit!
--------------------------
*Semi-climactic fight*
BBEG: *Crits, deals a shyteload of damage*
Victim: OUCH! *Triple crits, OHKs him* I win....
---------------------------
Aaaand that's about all I can remember right now, I'll think it over and try to remember more... wait... one more::
Halfling(At any point in time): Fireball...
Ftr: Yeah, we're th squat team of the *catches her mistake* crap.
DM: That's your new team name. The Squat Team.
*While fighting some monster that kept swallowing charachters*
Me: Crap the cleric just got swallowed.
Rouge & Buguiler: *Near inaudible snicker*
Me: *To fighter* I hope he grapples you instead of me next, at least you can beat him off. *Oblivious*
R&B::OMG!
Me:
DM:
*While fighting some monster that kept swallowing charachters*
Me: Crap the cleric just got swallowed.
Rouge & Buguiler: *Near inaudible snicker*
Me: *To fighter* I hope he grapples you instead of me next, at least you can beat him off. *Oblivious*
R&B::OMG!
Me:
DM:
What in Sam Hill does all that nonsense mean? Explain yourself knave!
Insane Rogue: Whacha burying?
Cleric: My cat, it was just killed.
Insane Rogue: Oh, that's not shiny.
The rogue walks away.
Also, a fighter was riding in a caravan on the road when he heard another caravan passing by.
Fighter: I want to take a peak out the window.
DM: Wait, did you just say you wanted to **** out the window?
What in Sam Hill does all that nonsense mean? Explain yourself knave!
"At least you can BEAT HIM OFF"
I had said that to the female fighter who was figting a male Bahir(SP?)
I had meant she was the onlt one who could escape its grapple.
DM:On the side of the road stands an evil looking wall with the long dead bodies of adventures hanging from the side.
Party:...
Tad Cumbie: Well what now...
Sir Kevin: I don't know...
Me:I cast fly and fly up to the top of the wall. Is their any loot?:D
DM:Umm...loot where?
Me:Well on the dead bodies. I mean there adventurers right..so they might have loot.:D
DM:...there naked...
Party:...
Me:...right so do they have loot? :D
Their was dead silence at the table as we all realized we had no clue what these children looked like...
Oh, and one thing I have noticed in the past few pages is alot of "unbeknownst to the dm"s and "what the dm didn't know"s. This hurst my brain. In every game I have ever played, if the dm didn't know it, it didn't happen.
Monk: I do this! *throws his arm out, seemingly pointing*
DM: Er...To what purpose?
Monk: I use X.
DM: *rolls his eyes* Roll
Monk: Nat 20!
DM: Er...Roll to confirm?
Monk: Nat 20! I'm on a streak!
DM: *remembers his three Nat 20s = death rule* Roll again.
Monk: Huh? Why?
DM: Just do it.
Monk: Woohoo! Nat 20! Did I win?
DM: You just pointed someone to death. Congratulations.
Monk: Force-point! Hi-yah!
After that, he threatened the party that he would point at them if they crossed him.
"Hey stop and I let you live" to a feeling regular baddie.
"Ok he stops runing" I told him.
"Good, I'll stab him on the back"
so much for lawful good :P
and having to re-roll.First, me and another group member had (independantly of one-another) created a warforged. We found out about it and thought it was sort of cool, but changed the topic quickly (wasn't that interesting, really) when a third player asked me: "What Body feat do you have?"
I answered "Adamantine" because I'd decided on a melee character.
Player #3: "Didn't you pick Adamantine Body, [Player #2]?"
Player #2: "Yea."
Player #3: "How about weapon?"
Me: "Spiked chain, why?"
Player #3 *laughing*: "Player #2 is using a spiked chain too!"
Me: "Warforged are mass-produced, y'know..."
So, Player #3 had rolled up a Dragon Shaman1/Marshal 2/Paladin 2, which means he's basically a bard who doesn't sing. He has to be near the front for his abilities to mean squat, though. That led to the following situation.
*DM lets the reinforcements for the hobgoblins we're fighting charge us*
Player #3: "%#@¤! I'm in melee for the first time..."
*Player #2's turn is up and he wipes out three hobgoblins, leaving Player #3 out of melee*
*My turn comes up and I one-hit kill an Ogre, by dropping it to -13HP*
Player #3: "Huh? So much for my first melee"
Our dear Marshal is amusing, though. Especially because our DM has decided that he has to actually seem inspiring to grant his marshal auras. So, we're ambushed by Worg-riding goblinoids and Player #2 (he and I were standing guard, as we don't need sleep) engaged them while I went to wake the others up. After spending three rounds trying to don his armour, our Marshal notices our Swashbuckler jumping out the window of the tower we'd camped in and decides to forget the armour and follow his lead.
*Our marshal jumps out a window (probably wearing a PJ) and lands 20ft. from the nearest enemy (who is in melee with a pair of warforged)*
Marshal: "Come on men, I'll take their right flank, focus your efforts on the left flank! Be quick about it, men!"
Player #3: "How's that for inspiring?"
Player #2: "You're not even entering the fight, are you?"
Me: "And their right flank is on the far side from you."
Player #3: "That's what you get for waking me in the dead of night. Twice."
PC: Does it go somewhere?
Me as DM: You notice the shimmering pool is a portal.
PC: Does it go somewhere?
If this ends in a place called Abydos ruled by parasitic snakes...
...the plane of Abydos...snakes...on a plane...?
Too lame for me to even crack a smile.
Sorry, mate.
Too lame for me to even crack a smile.
Sorry, mate.
i concur. i was thinking about making another lame joke about not getting the reference but then i decided it wasnt worth the effort
Dragon: Ahhhh so you finally found my lair. Prepare to………ummmm where the rest of your party?
Cartha: Hello alligator can me have your shiny stuff
DM by now (as I can remember) Looks at me weird like.
Dragon: I am not an alligator I’m a terrible ferocious dragon
I miss an intelligence check.
Cartha: No you alligator.
DM rolls behind his screen.
Dragon: NO IAM A DRAGON AND IM GUNN EAT YOU NOW
I miss intelligence roll again
Cartha: oooo alligator make neat fire in nose when alligator mad:
Dragon: you’re a very stupid beast aren’t you?
Miss another int check
Cartha: no me not stupid me Cartha. Get Cartha name right alligator.
Dragon leans in have no idea what the DM rolls or what he gunna do
Dragon: Such a stupid beast would make a fine servant.
I roll again and miss Cartha mad dragon not calling her Cartha and now big alligator head right in front of Cartha. DM makes me roil another Int check. I pass Cartha remembers she still has her swords out,
I tell DM I’m gunna make a critical attack to the dragon head …both swords. Roll a 20 and a 19 in front of DM . Swords go straight through dragon scull and brain.. DM looks at me like he gunna kill me
Cartha- that dumbest alligator Cartha ever met.
Mage in party shouts out- That’s the only alligator you ever met.
The setting was the estate of a Bandit-King and his hired Orc Fighter thugs. We had a Human Fighter, an Elf Druidess, a Human Witch, a Dwarf Scout, and an Elf Rogue.
DM: There's a door at the end of the empty corridor.
Fighter: I'm going to open the door.
DM: Ok. You open the door.
Fighter: Do I see anything?
DM: There's a room with three Orcs carrying crude axes.
Fighter: Do they see me?
DM: Yes.
Fighter: I close the door.
Later on in the same adventure...
The Orcs are at the top of a narrow staircase.
DM: (to the Dwarf Scout) It's your turn.
Scout: The Druid (an Elf) is between me and the enemy right?
DM: Yes.
Scout: I'm going to attempt to jump over the Druid.
Druid: Oh God!
DM: Are you sure? She's taller than you and on a higher level.
Scout: Yes.
Druid: OH GOD!
DM: Uh...ok?
*Scout rolls for the Jump, with penalties involved*
Scout: I rolled a 1.
DM: You land on the Druid and you both go tumbling down a few stairs. You're still both between the other party members (at the bottom of the stairs) and the Orcs now.
*Druid later rolls for unarmed strike and succeeds, smacking the Scout*
DM (as sage NPC): To retrieve the artifact, you must follow [villain] through this portal to the Elemental Plane of Air.
Barbarian: Hey man... I ain't gettin' on no air plane.
we have the instant kill houserule on 3x 20 rolls
the party was going through some light forest/jungle and we spotted a group of monkeys playing around..
the fighter: aa look at the cute halflings! (and looked at the halfling rogue in the group and laughed)
the rogue: thats not funny!! lets keep moving
the wizard and the cleric: OK!
the monk with monkey fighting style: wait! theese monkeys are amazing creatures, just look at the amazing.. (monkey bites him when he tries to pet it)
DM: rolls a 20 3 times
DM:you just got killed by the cute little halfling people....
we still make fun of that player for that...
the player who was playing the monk has never survived a campaign, he always dies and he pretty much always carries a new character sheet to every session....
Party comes to a door. By now they let Cartha, the big dumb half ogre open the door.
Mage: hey Cartha open this door for us will you.
I miss an intelligence roll (the DM liked to mess with Cartha 5 INT)
Cartha: okay
Cartha opens the door. On the other side is a basilisk> I miss my save get turned to stone. Earlier on we found a bunch of magic items and a bunch of flesh to stone scrolls. The party uses one scroll to turn Cartha back.
Cartha now angery at the big lizard on the other side, SO she opens the door again, missed the save and get turned to stone and gets revived by a scroll again. This goes on like 6 times, the GM making me make a rage Int check each time. The sixth time I finally make it, so this time Cartha grabs whatever nears and opens the door and tosses it at the basilisk, the object in question was the halfling thief
I roll a 20 to hit the basilisk and I kill it almost killing the halfling. Well the halfling was wearing a cloak (one of the magic items we picked up with the scrolls) that we had no idea what it did only that it had a +2 protection to it. So after hitting the basilisk the halfling suddenly appeared in Cartha hand.
Looking at the other party members Cartha says “look halfling of returning”
We surprised a roomful of level 10 mooks (we were level 15, and overpowered). Fight fight, melee melee, until a female caster at the back dropped a fireball on the party. No biggie, but Beyonce, in a complete sledgehammer-to-crack-a-walnut move, disintegrated her and said "There is only one arcanist in this room, b*tch, and that arcanist is me."
I was running a female drow wizard (Beyonce), who was just a little prickly about being an arcane caster rather than a preistess (hence why she was adventuring aboveground).
We surprised a roomful of level 10 mooks (we were level 15, and overpowered). Fight fight, melee melee, until a female caster at the back dropped a fireball on the party. No biggie, but Beyonce, in a complete sledgehammer-to-crack-a-walnut move, disintegrated her and said "There is only one arcanist in this room, b*tch, and that arcanist is me."
I'll pay that :D
.."GO LONG!"
We accepted the logic that it'd get quite a bit of distance if you threw it like a frisbee. The black dragon was not amused, but he wasn't there long enough to voice his opinion.
We accepted the logic that it'd get quite a bit of distance if you threw it like a frisbee. The black dragon was not amused, but he wasn't there long enough to voice his opinion.
I can just imagine the dragon and the elemental floating in the Astral Plane. The dragon looks at the elemental and says, "This is all YOUR fault!"
In one campaign, I had a friend who played a half-orc barbarian with a mohawk, a beard, and a fondness for gold jewelry. And obvious as it was, the reason why didn't hit me until this exact point:
DM (as sage NPC): To retrieve the artifact, you must follow [villain] through this portal to the Elemental Plane of Air.
Barbarian: Hey man... I ain't gettin' on no air plane.
Was the DM in on that one? If so, it's still pretty good, but if not, that's one of the best quotes ever and kudos to the player :D
Was the DM in on that one? If so, it's still pretty good, but if not, that's one of the best quotes ever and kudos to the player :D
I don't know the exact circumstances, but knowing my friend, I wouldn't be surprised if he'd been setting that one up for a few sessions, waiting for his chance to strike.
If this ends in a place called Abydos ruled by parasitic snakes...
...the plane of Abydos...snakes...on a plane...?
You win the "Best Pun Ever" Award.
Sorry, you're a little too late; I made the obligatory Snakes on a Plane joke back on post #3535.:D
Me: "Wow you're..."
Friend: "Intelligent!"
Me: "Yes that's what I was thinking, not a six letter word that starts with "s.""
Friend: "Smart!"
Me: "..."
Me: ""Smart" has five letters."
Friend: "Oh yeah..."
Friend: "Smartly!"
Me: "..."
Me: "That's seven letters."
Friend: "No! One two three four five si... oh yeah."
Me: "You've got to be kidding me. This is going on the boards."
My bard, to the party fighter: hey, can I borrow, say, a couple thousand gold pieces?
Fighter: Not before hell freezes over, and I mean it. You still haven't given me back the last few thousand...
Bard: You mean it? Well than, Cania's frozen. Your money, please.
Fighter:
Another one, with my CG favored soul of heironeous (breaks rules, I know, DM allowed it) talking to an LG paladin of heironeous, who was trying to convert him.
Paladin: have you yet to hear the words of the righteous one?
me: heironeous? Well, he can be a bit uptight sometimes, but yeah, he's a decent guy once you get to know him.
Paladin: (gurgles, falls over)
CC: (ooc) Okay, I got a 36. What spell was that?
DM: (ooc) It cast dictum.
CC: (ooc) Dictum?
CC, Warblade, and Artificer, all at once: (ooc) I HARDLY KNEW 'IM!
Cleric: (ooc) Damn, I knew that was coming.
This had been a deadly series of adventures, and after the Artificer was killed, we took him to get raised by the same NPC who had revived another companion of ours.
Cleric: (ooc) Make sure the priest punches our card - after 9 raise deads we get the 10th one free.
Me (Explaining that whirlwind attack doesn't, RAW, say you get an attack with each weapon.)
DM: Alright, but if you want to go by that rule, you've severly gimped your NPC commander. Oh and 10k more Drow that he DIDN'T stop appear around you.
Me: First, houserulings are not retroactive.
Second; you killed him LAST ROUND.
DM: Oh... yeah. Wait, no, he still blips dimly on your mind-dar.
Me; Damnit...
the party dwarven cleric takes a 5 foot step forward and falls 100 feet to the bottom of a pit.
ooc: ok, that was my move action, now for my standard action.
The DM didnt let it fly.
Nym: I'm going to get a barmaid.
Terran: ...what you do with your evening is up to you I guess, but you leave two floors of this tower between us, I don't want to hear it!
Nym: I'll be on the top floor and she'll be down here!
Terran: It's going to be awful hard to do anything if you're THAT far apart.
Nym: Just hold the door! I'll be back.
Terran: *picks up door and grins*
Nym: *withering glare*
--
In response to the Swashbuckler insulting a Barbarian's manliness, one of my players commented:
"It's not right to say nasty things about level 1 barbarians. It's better to write them down."
My response: "Gain 50 experience!"
--
The case of the frugal Scout in Star Wars...
Soldier: *shoots stun bolts into enemies and uses mesh tape to tie them up*
Scout: *forgets that he didn't switch to stun bolts and kills some enemies*
Soldier: *stares at the murderous Scout*
Scout: What? I can recharge my gun any time. Tape costs money!
GM (me): Gain 50 experience!
Ahem...we now continue with our regularly-scheduled programming, The (Mis)Adventures of Raz the Rogue-Mage.
I do not yet have any quotes of my own, because I'm not yet a good enough RPer to generate them...yet. But I will be...Mwahahahaha.
Kineal: And what are your names?
Twins (together): Jaskin and Boggle!
Kineal: ...alright, BJ, could you stop talking like that, it's really kind of creepy.
Twins (together): so, are you the king of Somewhere?
Kineal: who's that?
Twins (together): a friend of the king of Nowhere
Kineal: What?
Twins (together): a friend of the king of anywhere!
Kineal (very angry at this point): can't i just boot you in the shin and be done with it?
the twins pranced off with a frightful look on their face because the Kineal insists on wearing pure adamantine boots so that "he can kick stuff good". by now the entire party was rolling on the floor.
later on in the session, the party was adventuring to stop a green dragon who was tearing through the marsh, but needed information of where it was. no problem, i set it up so that they encroched on the territory of some lizardfolk.
Me: three lizardfolk pop out of the bush, wielding their clubs in a threatening manner. because all are talking at once you only catch the word "territory" before they begin to attack.
Kineal: i run up and kick one in the nuts!
Me: oooookay make an attack roll
Kineal: *rolls* 18!
Me: you shatter it's pelvis. it hits the ground, and pukes up a lung. it is dead.
Esta (the party rogue): i rush up with my scyth and try to kill another one! *rolls* 20!
Me: ... he dies instantly as you blade ripps through him
the wizard and cleric were sitting back and enjoying the show, allowing the the other party members to deal with these obviously underpowered enemies, and so it was kineal's turn again, and he finally figured out that these critters were for interrogation.
Kineal: i grab him!
Me: make a grapple
Kineal: 17! great! Where's the green dragon!?(intimidate)
Me: make the proper check
Kineal: 5....
Me: fail
Kineal: i shake him vehemently. 1. oh crap
Me: you fail vehemently
Kineal: i shake him as hard as i possibly can! 2...
Me: FAILURE!
Kineal: FINE! I START SWINGING HIM AROUND BY HIS TAIL! 17 DAMNIT!
Me: alright, but you need to bring him down before you can question him
Kineal: i bring him down slowly
Me: congratulations, he hits a tree. he's now unconscious. concratulations
Kineal:
That turned out longer than i expected!
I can just imagine the dragon and the elemental floating in the Astral Plane. The dragon looks at the elemental and says, "This is all YOUR fault!"
I smell a SITCOM!
Seriously, though, I know all of you have finished the thread. It's just...you get a sense of accomplishment when you finish, and Raz and you and the rest have been inspiring my sense of humor. So, see? That's the result.
Leader: We've come.......
Gungho Knight:.............TO KICK YOUR A**!!!!!!
Brigand leader:Ok....Fire.
What does all this mean........a dead 1st level party.
The party had been set to do whatever the queen wished while the King was in a council meeting with other Kings...
Queen: I'm sooo unhappy and bored!
The NG Rouge: I can make you happy..*smiles devilishly*
DMOOC: Your good you cant pleasure with the king's wife!!
NGRouge OOC: what i do have nimble fingers....
Me: (ooc) I failed
DM: The demons are looking anxious.
Cleric: Banish. (made roll)
DM: He vanishes.
Fighter: (ooc) does failing a play bagpipes roll equal a succesful torture roll?
DM: Yes.
The same session I failed 6 preception rolls in a row. So I'm getting my own dice.
Me: "well, I'm off to go to sleep."
DM: "Where?"
Me: "Well, I know for a fact two can fit in that bed..."
Everyone else: "LOL but he's unconscious, that would be umm forcible you know.."
Me (disgusted): "Not like THAT, you pervs."
DM (me): you come into 20ft by 20ft, the room and the rank stench of rotting flesh and the corpses of skeletons lie scattered about. In cages suspended from the cielings are children. They are crying for freedom and crave release.
Child: please help me. (he children had gone missing from the monastery and they had been asked to save them or recover them in any way shape or form...)
Kain (rogue): *rolls* 26 jump check, (he takes out his thief tools whilst hanging from the cage. The sorc flicks through his character sheet...) um... drax what are you doing.
Drax (sorc): move, im putting the children out of their misery, a fireball children should do the trick, im releasing them from their mortal coil...
the rest of the group inc DM::OMG! :OMG! :OMG!
Kain:
eeeeep!later the same dungeon we had come across the hag herself and had demanded that the group turn the a magical item over her.
Night hag: Give me that orb or you shall perish here!!!
group:...
Sorc: great first the gnolls now you, this is the second time a dog has come after me!
Drax (sorc): move, im putting the children out of their misery, a fireball children should do the trick, im releasing them from their mortal coil...
"Ok, my turn? I beat the living crap out of Drax's player." -beat beat beat-
DM: The ghastly gorgon is a notorios tavern in these parts, this homely bar is littered with anxious locals and grisly trophies... you notice many have shrugged off your arrival, seeing you as another trouble maker.
Nanthis: How many people would you say there are?
DM: a dozen or so.
Kain: Dude im gonna flirt with the barmaid, Drax you sleep with the others I-
Drax: *rolls* rofl 36... Kain beat that, "whats cooking good looking?"
DM:the woman turns around her ghastly features and toothless grin are worthy of destroying the interplanar boundries. Her miscolored eyes trace Draxrenall up and down... she says
NPC barmaid: Bwam chika Mwah mwah...
"Ok, my turn? I beat the living crap out of Drax's player." -beat beat beat-
lol i have done it many a time ;)
NPC barmaid: Bwam chika Mwah mwah...
My eyes...they bleed
Me: Okay, I cast Cometfall. It has to make a reflex save. Now come on, let me hear you ask about it just once.
DM: About what?
Me: Come on, its on the tip of your tongue.....
DM: What? Oh, you mean it's spell resistan...
ME: WRONG!!!!
Cleric: Ok, what's the UMD modifier for using a wand without hands?
DM: I'd have to say that's "Activate Blindly" so I'll say DC 25, but with a +10 for unusualness, so around 35. Why?
Cleric: Well, I'm a woman, the Duke I assume is a man
DM: How does seduction involve a UMD check?
Cleric: Remember that wand of Wither Limb?
The female cleric of Erythnul is trying to get into the Duke's palace.
Cleric: Ok, what's the UMD modifier for using a wand without hands?
DM: I'd have to say that's "Activate Blindly" so I'll say DC 25, but with a +10 for unusualness, so around 35. Why?
Cleric: Well, I'm a woman, the Duke I assume is a man
DM: How does seduction involve a UMD check?
Cleric: Remember that wand of Wither Limb?
Well that's definitely got my imagination running. ;)"The door appears locked, but is apparantly unlocked."
DM: And you find (roll) a bejeweled glove worth about 1200gp
Me: A single glove?
DM: Yeah
Knight: So, we've stumbled upon the hidden vaults of Neverland Ranch?
Cleric: Stab!
Spider: POP!
Cleric: OOF!
Cleric: GET THESE THINGS OFF ME!!!
At the point, Kenneth had, true to his savage nature (coming from the frozen lands far to the north) slept outside the inn, while the rest of the party (softskinned as they were) slept inside. So, when the rooster crowed on the rooftop, Kenneth fished up one of his handy blunt arrows (made to stun rather than kill - very useful in their proper situation) and pegged the fowl thing. When quizzed on this shortly after, Kenneth merely remarked, "That thing was not natural. Chickens cannot fly, hence it could not have reached the rooftop by mundane means."
Also, it belongs to the story that the rooster did get its fair revenge by pecking the hell out of Kenneth's hand when he set the broken wing properly. (Evil, yes, but only to the extend of having a genocidal streak - he'd hurt a bird, and as such, it was only right that he mended its injuries, since the innkeeper would protest it becoming breakfast...)
I still fondly recall my LE Ranger, Kenneth, in the Midkemia campaign I once played in... He was very fond of his Moredhel Composite Longbow, which he'd made himself... He even had the Elven Chain to prove it, as well as the Moredhel ears nicely dangling as a trophy from one end of his bow... but I digress...
At the point, Kenneth had, true to his savage nature (coming from the frozen lands far to the north) slept outside the inn, while the rest of the party (softskinned as they were) slept inside. So, when the rooster crowed on the rooftop, Kenneth fished up one of his handy blunt arrows (made to stun rather than kill - very useful in their proper situation) and pegged the fowl thing. When quizzed on this shortly after, Kenneth merely remarked, "That thing was not natural. Chickens cannot fly, hence it could not have reached the rooftop by mundane means."
Funny how people manage to miss certain things.
Arthiel (ranger): How's the map going?
Sonne (Rogue): Its perfect.
Ruenis (sorcerer): Did you already name the places?
Sonne: Of course... we have Ishma's Forest, the golf of Sonne, the Zalagorn river... and the Arthiel's Mountains
Arthiel: THE WHAT!?
Sonne: Well, dont make a fuss... I had to name the cave we found as "Ruenis's Hole"
Ruenis: wait... so Ruenis hole is in Arthiel's Mountains...?
Arthiel: You are sooo death *rolls initiative*
DM: Okay, first attack. :Roll: Does a 67 hit?
Me: That is about 50 over my AC, so yes, it hits.
DM: Well, all I have to see is if it nat 1's a hit then. :five minutes of rolls later: 857 damage.
Me: I am at -450 life. I now hit it back, full power attack. Hit. Hit and confirmed threat. Hit. Hit. Hit and confirmed threat. Hit. I'll roll crit damage first. :Much rolling and adding: 327 damage plus 7 cold...
DM: Okay, next we have---
Me: My second critical hit, 312 damage, 11 cold.
DM: What???
Me: My third attack (calculations), 147 plus 5 cold.
DM: ...
Me: Don't worry, I am going to fall down dead in another 21 rounds.
I ended up doing 200 more damage then the dragon had life, dropping it in one round.
I think that deserves a Raz award
We were playing a one shot fight with 4 level 20 PC's went up against a CR 26 red dragon. I was a Goliath Frenzied Beserker. The dragon had max health, extra feats. Basically, it was fully customized, so it was around a CR 28, 29. Well, after the surprise round, I find myself standing right in front of it, toe to toe. First the dragon went.
DM: Okay, first attack. :Roll: Does a 67 hit?
Me: That is about 50 over my AC, so yes, it hits.
DM: Well, all I have to see is if it nat 1's a hit then. :five minutes of rolls later: 857 damage.
Me: I am at -450 life. I now hit it back, full power attack. Hit. Hit and confirmed threat. Hit. Hit. Hit and confirmed threat. Hit. I'll roll crit damage first. :Much rolling and adding: 327 damage plus 7 cold...
DM: Okay, next we have---
Me: My second critical hit, 312 damage, 11 cold.
DM: What???
Me: My third attack (calculations), 147 plus 5 cold.
DM: ...
Me: Don't worry, I am going to fall down dead in another 21 rounds.
I ended up doing 200 more damage then the dragon had life, dropping it in one round.
I love berserker stories like this. Almost makes me not want to play a rogue... Almost...
Female Bard: This one time at band camp [insert shocking phrase here]
yes i have heard a player in character say it, but won't repeat it all here.
We were playing a one shot fight with 4 level 20 PC's went up against a CR 26 red dragon. I was a Goliath Frenzied Beserker. The dragon had max health, extra feats. Basically, it was fully customized, so it was around a CR 28, 29. Well, after the surprise round, I find myself standing right in front of it, toe to toe. First the dragon went.
DM: Okay, first attack. :Roll: Does a 67 hit?
Me: That is about 50 over my AC, so yes, it hits.
DM: Well, all I have to see is if it nat 1's a hit then. :five minutes of rolls later: 857 damage.
Me: I am at -450 life. I now hit it back, full power attack. Hit. Hit and confirmed threat. Hit. Hit. Hit and confirmed threat. Hit. I'll roll crit damage first. :Much rolling and adding: 327 damage plus 7 cold...
DM: Okay, next we have---
Me: My second critical hit, 312 damage, 11 cold.
DM: What???
Me: My third attack (calculations), 147 plus 5 cold.
DM: ...
Me: Don't worry, I am going to fall down dead in another 21 rounds.
I ended up doing 200 more damage then the dragon had life, dropping it in one round.
Ahh..Deathless Frenzy....a berserker can always make sure that someone's going to be holding the door to Hell for her.
DM: You See Lunchbox (paladin)
Me&Lunchbox: sh*t
Me: watsup baby?
Lunchbox: i turn and walk away
Me: i use my wip to initiate a trip attack (succed)
Lunchbox: I punch him in the face
DM: roll
Lunchbox: I failed.....
Me: i hogtie him and take him to a dark room
DM: succed....u get there and your very.....excited
Me:Drop pants
Lunchbox: I spit in his face
Me:.......i use it for lube
everyone laughs for 5 minutes
DM: before you....go where only my somas gone before u snap out of it
Me: i pull up my pants, untie, and store my wip."No one..."
my first ever interaction and this is wat they do to me
We wander around a desert for a while, when we run across a blind man with some weird prc that supposedly lets him kick our asses despite his blindness, when he decides that it is his time to leave. He bids us a fond farewell, and runs off saying "see you around."
I then take this opportunity to leap to my feat and exclaim "No you won't."
Later, he's in a cave, while we rot away trying to solve some puzzle. He comes up to us, we explain the situation, and he responds, "I see."
Me: PRAISE THE GODS, IT'S A MIRACLE!
DM: Hey, if you were blind, it wouldn't be funny. You shouldn't say stuff like that about blind people.
Me: Yeah, I should write this stuff down.
But, reading this, if any of you are blind, you can go ***** your ******* *** and ****
my FIRST ever campaign...my first ever session i was forced to drink love potion (im a Male Swashbuckler) and the first person i saw was our human mal paladin
DM: You See Lunchbox (paladin)
Me&Lunchbox: sh*t
Me: watsup baby?
Lunchbox: i turn and walk away
Me: i use my wip to initiate a trip attack (succed)
Lunchbox: I punch him in the face
DM: roll
Lunchbox: I failed.....
Me: i hogtie him and take him to a dark room
DM: succed....u get there and your very.....excited
Me:Drop pants
Lunchbox: I spit in his face
Me:.......i use it for lube
everyone laughs for 5 minutes
DM: before you....go where only my somas gone before u snap out of it
Me: i pull up my pants, untie, and store my wip."No one..."
my first ever interaction and this is wat they do to me
A standard love potion makes use of the charm effect. If I'm not mistaken you'd only be fanatic towards the first person you see, but not in a sense where you'd do things you normally wouldn't do. i.e. it wouldn't spontaneously turn your character homosexual. That said, it definitely wouldn't turn your character aggressive towards the one he is fanatic to. Just imagine, would you have sex with your very best (male) friend?
That being said... homebrew love potions are dangerous...
I've always thought of maybe being able to do it with the psionic spell that creates a desire for something. My psion used to threaten people with it, that one day they'll wake up with a craving desire for something they currently think is utterly disgusting.
Lucien, Calavel and Mathis Digging
Lucien: Those bastards killed Stryton!?"
Mathis: Damn that Yugoloth!!!"
Lucien: God rest his soul.
Calavel: Yes, Stryton was an honorable companion.
Chugah and Martin standing 15 feet away fromt the grave.
Martin: I hope we can resurect Stryton...
Chugah: Who was that guy anyway?
Martin looks confused at Chugah
A standard love potion makes use of the charm effect. If I'm not mistaken you'd only be fanatic towards the first person you see, but not in a sense where you'd do things you normally wouldn't do. i.e. it wouldn't spontaneously turn your character homosexual. That said, it definitely wouldn't turn your character aggressive towards the one he is fanatic to. Just imagine, would you have sex with your very best (male) friend?
That being said... homebrew love potions are dangerous...
I've always thought of maybe being able to do it with the psionic spell that creates a desire for something. My psion used to threaten people with it, that one day they'll wake up with a craving desire for something they currently think is utterly disgusting.
this was my first time ever playing so i didnt know the effects and was just trying to immerse myself in the character (and it got a good amount of laughter....even now its refrenced in and out of game)
DM: No, you cannot make your pterodactyl fly sideways for a moment in order to smash its claws through the unbroken train window, grab a person who is lying on the floor on the inside, pull him out, and throw him in front of the train, even though you're three cars away from the front, as part of a full round action. Seriously, how much thought did you put into this?
No explanation needed for this one:
DM: No, you cannot make your pterodactyl fly sideways for a moment in order to smash its claws through the unbroken train window, grab a person who is lying on the floor on the inside, pull him out, and throw him in front of the train, even though you're three cars away from the front, as part of a full round action. Seriously, how much thought did you put into this?
You're right. No explanation needed.
One of my roomates girlfriend is playing a Sorc and had not learned all the rules yet, and was making a ranged touch attack
Sorc: What do you mean I have to roll to touch him!!!!
From tonights game. I'm a rogue/swashbuckler, and we have a druid/MMF, and a Bard/SotS
Druid: I have a bear, his name is smokey.
Bard: You named your bear smokey the bear!?!?!?!
Rogue (me): Hey now, give it some respect, its a dire bear named smokey the bear! If you don't put out those fires its mauls you good!
Our Bard(whos evil btw) decided to suggest to a barmaid to sleep with him. The DM decided we could hear her screams. This happened latter
Bard: *sounds smug* Heard that did you?
Druid: That's nothing! Have you ever heard two babboons going at it like mad! Cause I have been there!
Bard: That is way to close to nature for comfort.
Midwife, in a horrible, half-mechanical voice: It's ok, come out...
One of the players: I roll Sense Motive.
Me, flatly: It's not ok to come out...
A sci-fi game, where the characters are hiding from an evil cyborg woman (cyborg midwife from System Shock 2);
Midwife, in a horrible, half-mechanical voice: It's ok, come out...
One of the players: I roll Sense Motive.
Me, flatly: It's not ok to come out...
God, those things still give me the creeps to this day.
"Little ones need lots of care to grow big and strong..."
God, those things still give me the creeps to this day.
"Little ones need lots of care to grow big and strong..."
Want to be creeped out even more? It was 'meat', not 'care'.
Want to be creeped out even more? It was 'meat', not 'care'.
Oh, was it? It's been many years.
The party at this point: Warforged Cleric, Warforged Sorceror, Halfling Rogue (me), Human Favored Soul
Early in our career, we had beaten a warforged that worked for the lord of blades named Saber or Rapier or something odd like that. We had fought him in a sewer, and disabled him. When deciding what to do with him.
Me: "Let's disarm him!"
DM: "You guys already cast detect magic on his stuff, he doesn't have anything besides his rapier."
Me: "Nooo, I'm saying we cut off his arms. Dis ARM him."
In search of what the party felt was a more humane approach (sorta), we pushed him into the sewer sludge, figuring noone would find him there.
Later on, after getting some mad loot, the favored soul and I go shopping for a dinosaur mount, my halfling being from Talenta and being obsessed with dinosaurs.
Dinosaur salesman: You have your standard clawfoot *lists off a couple cool things about 'em*
Me: (After rolling a 1 on my handle animal check to see how tough the clawfoots looked) Dude, look, dinosaurs!
FS: (after rolling a natural 20 on a handle animal check) Hey, what about that one over there? *points to a very awesome looking clawfoot*
Dinosaur salesman: That would be a magebred clawfoot
Me (being new to eberron at that point) A wha..?
DM: Call it the deluxe model. Scales camoflauge, he's stronger, faster, has bigger claws...
me:
iwantitiwantitiwantitiwantit! :D Now, remember that warforged from my first story? He came back :P
So, the party (+/- a few characters due to real life issues) is in a bar talking to the chick we're getting all our jobs from. Next thing you know, two warforged walk in, one of them is a juggernaut, the other is the sewer warforged, whose name, like all other random npcs that we have killed, I have forgotten.
Nameless npc warforged: Well, what have we here...
Me: Hey, look, it's Sh*tbox!
Having just defeated an advance party at the mouth of a goblin cave, the level 1 party realizes that none of them have darkvision, and none of them have bothered to purchase a lantern or torch. So they improvise...
Warblade: "I have an idea! Let's use a javelin as a torch. We can wrap it in cloth and light it on fire."
DM (Me): "That would work."
Warblade: *Begins using one of the dead goblins' javelins to make a torch, wrapping it in clothing taken from the same goblin. Then, getting an idea, cuts off the goblin's head and sticks it on the end of the javelin first.*
Rest of the party:
Warblade: "Shock effect." :D
A short time later...
Fighter: "I don't want a torch, I need my hands free to use my bow."
Warblade: "I have another idea!" *Jams the unlit end of the javelin-torch into a goblin corpse, so that it stands up when the corpse is lying on the ground* "Now we can just drop it when we need to fight, and it won't go out!"
Fighter:
"Let's keep moving..."DM: "Well...that's certainly creative..."
Later...
Warblade, OOC: "If I throw a flaming goblin head into the room, can we get a glimpse ahead?" (Needless to say, he did it.)
Near the end of the cave...
Warblade: "I'll throw the flaming goblin head further down the hall."
DM: "You throw it?"
Warblade: "Yeah."
DM: "Make a Reflex save." *Warblade rolls low* "You pick up the flaming goblin head and throw it, but you hold on too long. It burns your hand."
Warblade: "That wasn't a terribly good idea, in retrospect..."
Fighter, a few moments later: "Hey, poke your head around the corner."
Warblade:
"But I just threw it!"The warblade retrieved that charred goblin head after the mission and kept it as a souvenir. I have a feeling I haven't seen the last of it.
We enter a room and see an undead etching stuff into the wall. The room is covered with it and it's all in common. It itellageable. Basicly emo poerty
The kender lights a little bomb type thing and prepares to throw.
Me: Wait. He seems to be intellegent maybe we can talk to him and fine out more about this tomb
Kendar: huh.. ok hold this torch then.
Me: Ok. (Then I relize the fact..... the kender wasn't holding a torch) WHAT THE HELL! (throw bomb over shoulder)
I accuse the kendar of attempted murder... doesn't fly but anyway :P
That came back to bite my when we got into a fight at sea with everyones fav flying statues (my spelling gets bad sometimes lol) for getting to close to their isle. During the fight our fighter aimed and lit a cannon at one of them as I used the staff against the same one. The turn went like this:
DM- roll (hands my a D100)
me- 66...... nice soul swap so now i get another turn since i now use their init.
It was at that moment when something clicked for me.
ME- Wait a sec... (looks over my new shoulder and sees a lit cannon aimed at my a$$) oh sh**
I promply got blasted off my ship in a very heavy stone body. Later on after i was in my flesh again I made the following comment,
ME(OCC)- I hadn't used that staff for about a month in rl and game time so I think it was angry at me. Why else would it let me go into something in front of a lit cannon.
I'll have more as I remember them.
Sword Sage: I'm... okay... *gurgle.*
After a similar fall into a forty-foot pit:
Rogue: Ow... Okay, so how do I get out of here?
DM: You wouldn't have to get out if you'd put more ranks in search! What kind of rogue only has four ranks at your level?
Rogue: I'm sorry, okay? But I'm still stuck right now...
DM:...Did anyone bring rope?
Rogue: Uh, yeah, I think I have a forty-foot rope here.
DM: ...Yeah. Last I checked, ropes are sold in 50 ft. increments. Stop trying to BS your way out of this. Anyone else have rope?
Sword Sage, Artificer, and Cleric: No.
DM: Rope! You knew you'd want it if you hadn't got it!
Rogue: Ochre jelly, is it? I stab it with my rapier!
DM: It splits in two. Neither half seems to have taken damage.
Rogue: I stab one of the new ones with my rapier.
DM: That one splits in two also.
Rogue: I stab a different one!
DM: Okay, there's this thing some people have called "Pattern Recognition..."
Tonight our regular DM was unavailable and so one of the players was running a campaign he keeps available for exactly this situation.
We're just getting our next job from the mayor of a village that has just been raided. Sub-DM is reading from the text, when the mayor explains that a child from the village has been carried off by orgs.
Players: Orgs? What the heck is an org? Or did you say "worgs"?
DM: "Orgs."
Players:
How's that spelled?DM: O-G-R-E-S. Orgs.
Me: Oh, I see, "org", as in www.DMcantread.org?
Then the group decided that we'd officially call our adventuring party "The ORGanizers" :D
So, in character, the other players (who really wanted nothing to do with the thing) tried for like 20 minutes of real time to talk him out of it. Naturally, he refused to listen, opted to draw 4 cards, and drew three moderately bad ones before drawing "body functions, but soul trapped elsewhere".
After a suitable millisecond or so of mourning (ya know, for appearance's sake) we proceeded to help ourselves to his magic items and treasure. The party mage pipes up with:
"I begged him not to draw...I pled with him. I warned him. I cajoled him. I IMPLORED him! Finally, I just had to loot him!"
The set-up is that the PCs are in prison, have just gotten into a brawl, and now the nurse is being held hostage in the Infirmary. This is one of the few places in the entire prison that doesn't bathe in Antimagic, but in which the magical prisoners are held by Magebane Manacles.
So, here we go:
Dread Necromancer: I'm going to get the manacles off and use Evard's
DM: Oh heck no...
Spectator 1: What's Evard's?
DN: Evard's Black Tentacles
DM: There's a tale that Japanese schoolgirls take a penalty on their saving throw
DN: Think Urutsukidoji
Spectator 2: So, you use that spell every game, [DN]?
DM: Be thankful he doesn't use the variant version of it.
S1: What variant?
DM: "Evan's Spiked Tentacles of Forced Intrusion"
Anyway, we are attacked by a HUUUUUUGE Dire bear. My Gnome gets smacked around with one hit, the ghostface ends up with his left arm eaten and the dragon along with the bard flees. Which leaves just the knight to fight the bear.
My Techsmith comes back to his senses and takes his modified repeating-double-barreled-crossobw. After some Greater Magic Weapons and Airwalks I end up right on top of the bear while the knight is still fighting him. "Hitting that thing can't bee too hard," I think and shoot. After some awful dice rolling I end up hitting the Knight in the foot. The next round the knight ends up getting rip to pieces. After that out one-armed ghostface charges the bear to win time, and my gnome gets ready to shoot again. I hit the ghostface. The next round, the bear rips the ghostface to pieces. After we finally get that thing down, a moment of awkward silenceness occurs. The only one to speak for the rest of the day was my gnome, and he said just one thing after the fight:
"Perhaps NOW you will learn NOT TO charge in to melee like bloody idiots!"
Ah dry humour, my favourite kind
Well, they can't all be winners. Personally, I rather liked the pattern recognition one.
We were resting in a cave, and a short individual carrying a spear walked up to the mouth of it. The favored soul (me) woke the rest of the party, and we all got up, drawing weapons cautiously. The little guy must've gotten spooked, so he started making odd noises- suddenly, there were a dozen of them, all carrying primitively made spears. Then it hit us- pygmies.
Well, shortly thereafter, the Paladin charges straight for the leader, sucks about eight AoOs, and falls over. The warlock starts blasting away, and the monk started using his bow (zen archery, wisdom to hit instead of Dex). Being the healer of the party, I quickly moved up to save the paladin. I managed to heal her enough that she could stand- and she did, taking a bunch of AoOs, and falling over again. Once again, I healed her, taking damage as the round progressed, and she got up. Then fell over again. I healed her again, and she decided to blow all of her lay on hands on herself before standing up this time- she actually stood up, stayed up, and took a couple swings before falling over again. I'm down to 12 HP by this time, but she was down and bleeding. I healed her. She stood, took some more AoOs, and actually died.
Now, she had an intelligent weapon. An intelligent weapon capable of casting True Resurrection once per month. She was back on her feet and smiting left and right- but the next round I was dropped to -7. She ended up being knocked unconscious by the last Pygmy, which was dropped by the warlock. She stabilized at -3. I was not so lucky.
Shortly after she woke up, the warlock chimes up, "I think I finally came up with a title for you."
"Oh, what would that be?" the paladin responded angrily.
"First, 'stupid *****,' for getting my best friend killed and literally wading into combat."
"That's hardly fair! I-"
"Second, 'the Pop-Up Paladin,' because I don't think I've ever seen someone fall over and get back up that many times in one fight."
Silence. Followed by outcries of laughter all around the table.
It stuck.
*Me the cleric ran from guards after failing my Bluff*
Cleric: I hide *rolls for hide*
Wizard:I follow him did I see where he went *Spot roll*
DM:Yes you found him, he was hiding in a barrel.
Cleric:Yoh.
Wizard what the hell are you doing...
*After telling the story and getting out of the barrel*
Cleric:I'm Going on a Trip far across this land would to like to come with me?
Wizard:Hhhm, Ill need to get paid first.
Sowrdsage(came in while I was telling the story):That goes for me also.
Cleric:Fine *counts out 2 GP* here 2gp, lets go!
Wizard/Swordsage:WTF no way!
Cleric:What? I payed you lets go.
Wizard: No way I'm not going for 2GP!
Cleric:Fine 2GP and first dibs on loot, is that okay with you?
Wizard fine as long as I dont need to call you Sir.
Cleric no you dont have to call me sir.
Wizard:Good or it would have been a little problem.
Cleric:Oh just a little one I thaught it would be a big problem, so you can go ahead and call me sir.
Wizard:Excuse me?
Cleric:What?
Wizard you said something...
Cleic:Who?
Wizard:You!
Cleric it was him *Points to other party member happy with his 2 GP*
DM:*Rolls for bluff*
Wizard:OOC:Oh come on...
Cleric:OOC:*Laughing really hard*
Wizard:*attacking Swordsage now for saying he should call him sir....*
Background: Our party was around level two and we had travelled a few hundred miles to finally end up in an encampent on the side of a mountain with a few hundred civilians. This was to be our final stand for the war of Ragnarok.
We couldn't see anyone approaching except for when lightning would strike, then we saw flashes of a mass army that would probably obliterate us in one turn. We used the small bits of lightning to see an approaching caravan and we went out to meet the people to arrange battle terms.
The Party: Toshiro (Monk), Keito (Rogue), Ellie (Druid), Lug (Fighter), Ki (Cleric)
While talking through the brief flashes of lightning:
NPC: "Well, we should determine some method to this battle because our men don't know how to fight what they can't see."
Toshiro: "Oh really? Well... ours can, so how about we just call it even and everyone goes home?"
DM: Roll bluff check
Roll: *succeeds*
DM: :OMG!
The invading army turned around and left, thus we evaded Ragnarok. Needless to say, the gods were mighty ****** at us and tormented us through our entire adventure...
So, your entire party was named in a Japanese/Chinese theme, and you evaded the Norse end of the world?
It was the DM sending a 2nd-level party into Ragnarok that made me go
DM- *looks up the effect of my roll* ok so the staff summons a barrel and rolls it at the guard.
Me-
A barrel?DM- Yep, and as it hits the guard it breaks open and spills *rolls a D6* four dizzy monkeys on to the floor
Me-
Did I just..Soc- Dude, you just summoned a barrel of monkeys
Everyone else-
Coldyn: Ugh. I've only got a couple hitpoints left, and I don't think we are getting out of here without a fight.
James: Ha ha, I've regeneated all mine back already.
Coldyn: Draws his Vampiric Katana, and turns to James.
James: I Will NOT be your healing font!
Nayuko, 10th level Monk: I power attack for five (rolls natural 1)
DM (me): Roll a DEX check (she rolls natural 1, hits herself)
DM: Now roll to see if you actually hit yourself (she rolls natural 20 and then confirms the crit, dealing 32 points of damage)
DM: You attempt to roundhouse kick the dire bear, completely miss, overbalance and fall on your head, almost breaking your neck
Nayuko: Ouch
Tusk, 6th level barbarian/3rd lvl cleric, half-orc
(in a bar in a small poor city): Give me chicken.
Bartender: We don't serve chicken.
Tusk: No, me want live chicken (I roll %ile die to see if there are any around, turns out there are. Bartender comes back out and gives Tusk a live clucking chicken)
Tusk: (bites into chicken, basically consuming it alive and whole) Want some?
Kendra, 10th level human fighter (to Tusk): Class means nothing to you does it?
Tusk: What's class?
"We live in a world of greys, but the guys in robes of human skin are probably the Bad Guys."
Fighting an Orc cleric of Gruumsh who summoned a cube of darkness.
Dm:Okay, the orc smacks the bard in the back of the head and knocks him unconcious. (he is in the cube)
Me(playing a paladin):I hear him go down, and go into the cube to rescue him.
Dm:After a few moments of stumbling around blindly, you trip over something.
Me:That'll be the bard.
A bit later...
Dm:Your sword bites into something in the darkness, and you hear a scream.
Ranger:Alright, I got him! In your face, orc!
Me:My character reasons that the cube would have disappeared if the orc were dead, and goes in to see what the ranger killed.
Dm:After a few moments of searching, you trip over another body.
Me:I drag it out into the light.
Dm:It's the party's monk.
"heironeous? Yeah, he can be a bit uptight sometimes, but he's a decent guy once you get to know him."
As you can imagine, this shocked him somewhat.
At another point, the DM thought it would be a great hook for a save-the-world campaign to have heironeous appear in Kelrin's dream. So, when Kelrin saw this...
"Oh come on, do you have any idea what the time is now?"
"Well...yes."
"Good, than you can get out of my dream now, and leave me be. I'll talk to you in the morning, alright? Sheese, who do you think you are, some kind of god?"
"You don't understand, this is important!"
At this point, Kelrin takes advantage of the fact that this is a lucid dream, and pelts him with oranges, tomatoes, eggs etc. until he goes away, which he does, eventually. The next morning, he appears in person at the camp when they wake up. The paladin gets really reverent, as you might expect. Kelrin, on the other hand...
"Mornin', what's up?"
Yes, he said that. to heironeous.
Eventually, he explains the mission, at which point Kelrin pats him on the back and says..
"Don't worry about it pal, I'll take care of it."
Later, when he's had some time to think about it, the following conversation occurs.
"Say, what am I getting out of this?"
"Aren't you supposed to do it out of faith in me and a dedication to the common good?"
"Now look here, sunshine. hextor might devour my soul and stuff, but atleast he has the decency to pay you back later with Dark And Forbidded Powers, are you telling me you're less good than hextor?"
"Fine... 3000 gold."
"5000, atleast."
"4000, and nor one gold piece more."
"Deal."
Yes, he haggled with the guy.
Later on, when he was forced to fight a storm giant in an arena in a 1v1 match, he looked up and started talking to heironeous again.
"Look... do I have to do this? I mean, come on, this is insane, you're telling me to go toe to toe with something like this? Alone?"
"Single combat is the most honorable form of battle. To break that sacred trust would be blasphemy."
"...So, I'm just supposed to walk up to this guy, alone, and punch him in the face until he falls down."
"More or less, yes."
"...For a good god, you're pretty twisted, you know that?"
And next up, quotes from Dan the pyromaniac warmage, stay tuned!:D
One is when the party got to a door, and recieved a riddle in a strange voice from nowhere.
"It flies, yet it has no wings. It kills, yet it has no hands. Once grand and full of life, in death it brings us harm. Answer me the name of this thing, and you shall pass."
Now, the answer is an arrow, because the tree was once alive etc., but that's not how I replied, ofcourse.
"Fire, sucker."
"Eh?"
The door is promptly blown apart with a bunch of fireballs, melted without a trace.
Later on, the party needs to get a key from behind a door, and a few divination spells confirmed that there were loads of demons behind the door. Since the door is trapped, locked, bolted etc. beyond anything the rogue can handle, they decide to leave it for later. A few minutes later, Dan says...
"hey, wait here, I'll be back in a second."
The party hears horrible explosions and screams, only to see Dan return a few minutes later, triumphantly holding the key up.
Rogue: "But...there were all those locks, and traps, and monsters, and...how?"
Dan: "Old warmage trick."
Rogue: "Do I want to look?"
"...probably not."
In a different campaign, the party was trying to get into a certain building without being noticed, seeing as there were loads of guards. The plan everyone else comes up with is to cast silence , fly and improved invisibility on the wizard, who flies up to the open window, moves through and hits the lone guard with a maximized silent scorching ray. At which point, this happens...
Dan: "Yeah yeah, whatever, I'll be over here burning all this, let me know when you lot are done planning, alright?"
And proceeds to burn the entire building with fireballs etc.
Rogue: "What the hell did you do that for?"
Dan (smiling): "if it's not meant to burn, why is it flammable?"
Rogue: "Dan..it was a bloody STONE. CASTLE. It's not meant to burn!"
At another point, the paladin casts detect evil on a normal looking kid in a demonic area, who proceeds to glow like crazy.
Dan: "Can I kill it with fire?"
Bard: "Ofcourse not, what do you think?"
At this point, the kid drops alternate form, becomes a gargantuan-or-so rakshasa, and lobs a twinned lightning bolt down on the party.
Bard: "Dan?"
Dan: "Yes?"
Bard: "Kill it with fire."
I was surprised when the DM said okay, so I decided that I'd let him come back, but that it would have to be humorous.
"Gribblet leaves the town, following the sun the whole way. Unfortunately, since he left to the east, he reaches the sunset just in time to catch up with the party as they leave town."
Gribblet: "Aw, goddammit!"
Grispock (Monk): you don't seem so strong to me...
Khrim (Fighter): Do you doubt my mighty strength?
Grispock : I bet you 5 gp that you can´t hit the guard on the top of that tower with this rock. *hands him a rock* (80 feet tall tower)
Khrim: Pityfull monk stand back and behold the mighty strength of Khrim!
DM: Okay...you have a -2 because the rock counts as an exotic weapon a -6 because the guard is far beyond your reach plus -1 for the wind direction & speed and *looks under his DM screen* other miscellaneous circumstances penalties you have a - 15 penalty in total. Are you sure you wanna do this?
Khrim (Player): Yep!
DM: Okay...whatever...roll the dice...
Khrim (Player): *rolls a natural 20* Yhay! do i hit him?
DM: Yeah...*rolleyes* now roll to confirm critical hit and then roll damage.
Khrim (Player): *doesn't confirm critical hit but rolls tons of damage*
Grispock (player): Damn!
DM: the rock hits the guard´s arm pretty badly making him toss his weapon to the ground.
Grispock: I guess I was wrong...
Guard: You bastard! I going down to get you!
Khrim: How dare you to speak to me like that!?
Grispock: Double or nothing? *hands him another rock*
Khrim: Your on! *throws the rock*
Khrim (player) : *rolls another natural 20, confirms critical hit and does lots of dmg*
DM: I cant belive this...okay...the rock hits the guard AGAIN but this time in the head and starts bleeding A LOT! he tumbles a bit...
Grispock (Player):
IS HE DEAD?! IS HE DEAD?!DM: Nop...but he took a lot of damage.
Khrim (Player): Ufff...that was a close one..
DM: *makes some rolls behind his screen*
Khrim: You should never have doubted my mighty strength!
Grispock: Here, take it *hands him a bag with 10 gp*
DM: Suddenly you hear a scream coming from the top of the tower when you look up you see the guard falling to his doom at an incredible speed...seconds later this body crushes on the ground making a lot of noise. Another guard who witnessed the whole event shoots Khrim in the shoulder with an arrow.
Khrim: Ouch! why the hell did you shoot me?!
Guard2: You killed Phil!
Khrim:You *******! it was clearly an accident!
Guard2: You BASTARDS! I am taking you under arrest!
Khrim: How dare you speak to me in such tone! Ill make you pay for this! *grabs a rock and throws it to the guard*
Khrim(Player): *rolls another 20, confirms critical, etc* (Ends up killing the other guard)
Guard3: BASTARDS! you killed Dave!
Grispock: Khrim from this day forward I swear to GOD that I wont doubt your strength ever again.
Khrim: good...now RUN!
DM: Are you sure those dice aren´t loaded ?
Grispock (Player): Pretty sure...
Khrim (Player): DUDE! I am gonna grab weapon focus (rock) when i hit next level! :D
After spending 2000 GP and 2 battle axes with a roadside salesman the following happened.
Soc- Where were you?
Me- Buying this *shows off a longsword* He said it was a sword of slaying.
Rogue-
Whats it slay?Me- Idk. He said to run a finger over the gem in the hilt to wake the power.
Rogue- Ooooo. Do it.
So I rubbed the gem, causing the sword to disappear in a flash. It was at this point our DM's poker face broke as he told me what happened.
DM- *chuckling* Ok then. As the light dims you see a sled where the sword landed.
Group-
Me- *between chuckles* So its spelled Sleighing eh?
That sword was useful in the long run. Got us out of some really bad jams by becoming a quick wall to hide behind.
Okay, a few from Kelrin, my CG favored soul of heironeous (can't be done, I know...unless the DM OK's it, and he did). he is in the same party as a standard, by-the-book paladin of heironeous. So, when the paladin asked him if he ever heard of heironeous (attempt at conversion), I replied thusly.
"heironeous? Yeah, he can be a bit uptight sometimes, but he's a decent guy once you get to know him."
As you can imagine, this shocked him somewhat.
At another point, the DM thought it would be a great hook for a save-the-world campaign to have heironeous appear in Kelrin's dream. So, when Kelrin saw this...
"Oh come on, do you have any idea what the time is now?"
"Well...yes."
"Good, than you can get out of my dream now, and leave me be. I'll talk to you in the morning, alright? Sheese, who do you think you are, some kind of god?"
"You don't understand, this is important!"
At this point, Kelrin takes advantage of the fact that this is a lucid dream, and pelts him with oranges, tomatoes, eggs etc. until he goes away, which he does, eventually. The next morning, he appears in person at the camp when they wake up. The paladin gets really reverent, as you might expect. Kelrin, on the other hand...
"Mornin', what's up?"
Yes, he said that. to heironeous.
Eventually, he explains the mission, at which point Kelrin pats him on the back and says..
"Don't worry about it pal, I'll take care of it."
Later, when he's had some time to think about it, the following conversation occurs.
"Say, what am I getting out of this?"
"Aren't you supposed to do it out of faith in me and a dedication to the common good?"
"Now look here, sunshine. hextor might devour my soul and stuff, but atleast he has the decency to pay you back later with Dark And Forbidded Powers, are you telling me you're less good than hextor?"
"Fine... 3000 gold."
"5000, atleast."
"4000, and nor one gold piece more."
"Deal."
Yes, he haggled with the guy.
Later on, when he was forced to fight a storm giant in an arena in a 1v1 match, he looked up and started talking to heironeous again.
"Look... do I have to do this? I mean, come on, this is insane, you're telling me to go toe to toe with something like this? Alone?"
"Single combat is the most honorable form of battle. To break that sacred trust would be blasphemy."
"...So, I'm just supposed to walk up to this guy, alone, and punch him in the face until he falls down."
"More or less, yes."
"...For a good god, you're pretty twisted, you know that?"
And next up, quotes from Dan the pyromaniac warmage, stay tuned!:D
Kerlin makes it with Raz on the list of characters I must keep an eye on (and await their amazing exploits).
"Mess with me not, wimp, for I am the chosen one."
Wrong on so many levels, but good for a laugh:D .
Cast: Sinkiller: LN, really stern and tough fighter, watchman
Colin: His son, LG sorceror, generally believes in mercy while Sinkiller believes in finishing them off,
Brunan of Tarsdale: Bard, Colin's younger friend, plays the violin and does little else of good
Taldir of the Green Heights: Ranger, who Dad keeps calling Valdir.
Anyway, during a fight in a sewer with a bunch of shifters, Brunan the Bard was getting annoyed at Sinkiller's constant aspersions of uselessness, so he dropped his fiddle in the sewage water and cast a flare spell at one of the shifters, and in the next round Colin finished it off with a critical hit.
After the battle was over, Brunan gingerly picked up his fiddle from the sewage water, and, after looking at it distastefully, began surreptitiously wiping it on Sinkiller's guard uniform. Sinkiller turned around and said,
"If you don't get that stinking fiddle off me, you're going to be playing it with your **** ribcage."
Brunan grinned, and quickly hid behind Colin, and then began trying to clean off his violin with his robes.
Um...wow, that good? Well, in that case, here's another one, from the same fight against the storm giant. he whipped out his rods of metamagic, and used a quickened righteous might, followed by an empowered flame strike. The next round, he critted with his mace, downing the giant. At this point, he said the following.
"Mess with me not, wimp, for I am the chosen one."
Wrong on so many levels, but good for a laugh:D .
Well, I'm easily impressed. And something about a favored soul who's much looser than his god (in the same party as a paladin of that deity) is entertaining. Maybe they're not as consistantly and amazingly hilarious as Raz, but I still want to tune in for more. I also really enjoyed the half orc who wore a rust monster as a hat. "Maybe me trying to show the wrongs of racism. Then again, me half orc, and we not that complex."
Background: Initially another player was going to DM, but then we decided on me after I had already created a character.
Player: So what are you going to do with your barbarian?
DM: You'll see...
*at start of adventure*
DM: As you are all waiting in line to enter town, you see a commotion up at the gates. It looks like a large, angry man has started beating up the town guard.
Players:
(I used the random battle to get the party together and bring them to the attention of the town guard, which would hire them for the first adventure. I thought it was a clever use of resources at the time.)
NPC: ...but eventually the base had to be closed down, due to town budget cuts.
Fighter: BUDGET CUTS!!! Hey, can I give my character a catchphrase? DM: Uh, sure.
Fighter: *Writes 'BUDGET CUTS' on the quotes section of his character sheet.
*The group is trying to chase down a fleeing kobold so he doesn't alert the rest of his tribe*
Fighter: Okay, can I throw the druid down the hallway at him? (Druid was next in the initiative order. Fighter has 18 Str and had previously asked about throwing party members)
DM: Allright, make a strength check.
In the end I made Ad hoc rulings on how far he went and the druid took down the kobold, but took some falling damage himself from the trip.
Meh, maybe we aren't as funny as I thought.
Guards: If you want to enter the town, use the gate!
PCs: But we want to enter this way!
Guards: you have to pay entrance fee at the gate
PCs: We will pay you!
Guards: this is not allowed!
PCs: oh, come on...
Several minutes of such conversation follows,and obviously this gets guards nowhere
PCs: but please, we want to get in!
Guards, finally setting into a fit of rage which will make 20-level barbarian blush as a girl: [a nasty word basically meaning sexual intercourse] you!
PCs, smiling and nodding: of course, go ahead, we don't mind!
We were sneaking around inside the enemy base. It began when we stood outside the door to a guard's room. The druid listened at the door, and was able to make out a conversation between three men inside. It was pretty mundane, they were just chatting about what they had for lunch that day. Specifically, mutton. Mutton and peas.
So we bust in, and easily overpower them. As the first one falls to the ground, our smart allecky wizard shouts "Sorry, it's mutton personal!"
*groan*
Then we down the second guard, and again the wizard pipes up "ain't mutton to it!"
*groan*
(The worst part was that the wizard didn't even do anything, he threw one dagger and missed, yet he was shouting out all these one liners.)
Later that day, in the same place, we were in a room with a closet filled with priest's vestments. (it was an old church converted into their base of operations.) We were looking for hidden compartments in the closet, when a guard walked in the door and said "Hey, who are you?!"
To which the smart alecky wizard replied "uhm.. drycleaners." Then grabbed some of the vestments and walked out the room.
Needless to say, the guard wasn't convinced.
Captive: "What have you done to me??"
Player 1: "Bound you."
Player 2: "Healed you."
Player 3: "Killed all your friends."
Player 1&2: "Ssssshhhh!"
"What's the range increment of a weasel?!?"
:P
Characters:
Korak: N Warfoged Barb/WF Juggernaut. Hits like a freight train and is considerably more accurate.
Rash: CN Half-elf Sor/Acolyte of the Skin. Looks rather teflingish thanks to an previous incident with an evil artifact.
Torm: LG Cleric/Vivamancer (Homebrew prestige class, focuses on healing). Good at healing, Dex of six.
Situation:
The party passes through a large door to find a lavishly decorated room with a 50 foot wide hole filled with coins in the middle. While our heroes deliberate whether to go around or through the hole, the door closes behind them! Dun dun DUN!
Our hero's decide to go around the pile of coins. Then the dreaded words:
DM: Reflex save!
Korak(OOC): @$@!
Rolls are made...
Korak(OOC): 11! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rash(OOC): 8! You've got to be kidding me!
Torm
OOC): Natural 20. Holy CrapKorak(OOC): Bastard! (To DM) What was it?
DM: The breath weapon of that huge red dragon right next to you.
Rash: Ah @!%# RUN!
Despite Rash's protests, the battle is joined! Korak strikes mighty blow after blow with his falchion, Rash's spells tearing the the dragon, Torm's divine healing keeping Korak of his feet. Korak is taking massive damage some points only alive from rage hp, but Torm somehow keeps the warforged on his feet. Three rounds pass, and korak has one less attack to make before the dragon uses her breath weapon again, oblitherating the team. Korak rolls...hits...and deals 15 damage. The DM writes on his note pad.
DM:She has, after that attack...-1hp.
Torm: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And we celebrated by collecting the loot.
bisexual nymphomaniacs
Vamp Nymphs? That's a new one...
CE friend: I say we kill him.
Me:Can I do it? (Joined game late and hasn't done much yet)
Everyone: Sure...what're you gonna use?
Me: (Drags 6 ft. snake fang into room from Large snake in sewer earlier...I was keeping it as a trophy) Where do you want it? Head? Ass? Heart?
Mayor: My heart.
Me: Ass it is.
DM: If you do this you're not true neuteral anymore...
Me:Ok (proceeds)
DM: The Mayor screams so loud that everyone in the town hears...even the ones on vacation.
Later on
Me:Is there was anywhere I could sell my three huge snake fangs?
Kobold:Don't you have 4?
Me OOC: looks at mayor than at kobold
Kobold:oooohh....
May not be too funny but maybe you had to be there.
The party:
Steven Tarwin, Paladin of Kelemvor.
Bexy Backstabber, Halfling Rogue
Iljana, Elven Ranger, archer
Tháliën, Elven Druid (boyfriend of Iljana)
Khazim Al'jabeer, Gnomish Wizard from Calimshan
Grok, half orc fighter.
They've been an exquisite example of Sun Tsu's "The best laid battleplan never survives first contact with the enemy", especially in Grok's case.
*15 minutes of tactical discussion about how to attack 4 orcs and 3 goblins in a room, positions are decided, attack order is decided*
Steven: Right, I'm going in f-
Grok: Grok knows it's time for action and charges the orcs.
Steven: Oh *******it! Chaaaarge!
Steven the paladin and Bexy have an interesting relationship, he's the only one so far who hasn't succeeded on his spot check during her (many) sleight of hands to rob gold from people so he's convinced she's completely innocent. He's also a pervy halfling fancier.
Steven: Right, we won. Bexy, you want me to use lay on hands on you?
Bexy: I'm not wounded, thanks.
Steven: Well I could rough you up a bit.
Another time:
Bexy: I use Lay on Hands on Steven.
Me: You're a rogue, you don't have lay on hands.
Steven: Well...she can try.
Bexy: I lay my hands whereever I can reach to try and heal him. (hands me a note under the table)
Steven: I uh, seal my armour down there so I'll keep my paladin powers.
Me: A holy man with a tiny girl's hands in his pants. Typical. (Note reads "I relieve him of his money pouch")
During a bossfight with a bugbear gangleader andtwo bodyguards:
Khazim: I let my monkey (tiny skullmonkey familiar) jump off me and attack the wounded orc!
Me: *Rolls for AoO from the orc, then attack roll from monkey. A 20, confirmed, then damage 1d2, a 2, the orc had 3hp left* Right...Jack jumps on the orc's face and claws his face off while the orc screams and tries to get the tiny monster off.
Khazim: Score! One killcount for the gnome!
Bexy: Ok, I am so sleight of handing that monkey when we're done.
A minute later, only the bugbear is left with 54 hp, due to Steven, Grok and Thalien's wolf missing consistenly for 3 consecutive rounds.
Iljana: Oh you pansies, here's how it's done.
*Manyshots, rolls a crit on both arrows with a +3 Mighty longbow, knocking off 28 hitpoints*
Party: What...the f-
Iljana: Right. Now you do the same. Come on boys, get busy.
And Bexy's standard reply whenever combat starts:
Bexy: I move to the back of the line and hide.
As a closer, the paladin took Nimbus of Light last level so he can now radiate holy light around him at will. The party was ambushed by bounty hunters on their way back.
BH Leader: Hand over the Tooth (quest item) and no-one will be hurt. Resist and it shall be a waste of your life! (I couldn't help but quote Gorion)
Steven: I turn on my Knight Light!
Yeah...Nimbus of Light doesn't really stick for too long.
In game conversation:
Male Bard: I agree with whats-her-face.
Female Celric: What do you mean "Whats her face"?
Male Bard: Sorry, i would have remembered your name if you'd slept with me!
Just recently:
In game conversation:
Male Bard: I agree with whats-her-face.
Female Celric: What do you mean "Whats her face"?
Male Bard: Sorry, i would have remembered your name if you'd slept with me!
Roll bluff.
Goreaxe: I bull rush on the door entering in rage as i remember what the enchanter did to my father
DM:
ok...u break the door activating the trap. Ref saves blah blah blah ... you both get damaged for 21hp (fire).Alenor:
"sigh"DM: ok as u enter the room u see a hobgoblin shouting for his allies. There are 4 hobgoblins in the room and more seem to be coming.
and the order was Goreaxe, Hgoblins, I
Goreaxe: I charge at them (and he kills them all by great cleaving so i didnt have any time to do anything)
DM: As u kill them u have a moment to take a look in the room, directly in front of u is
Goreaxe interupting the dm: I rush to the stairs shouting in orcish bad things about their mothers .
Alenor:
DM:
Alenor: How did i team with that guy anyway???
Anyway we kept going up with the minotaur beating the crap out of everyone and charging through rooms activating traps etc etc untill we reach what seemed to be the final door which was metalic:
DM: "sigh" so u reach what seems to be the door leading to the top floor where u saw the enchanter in the vision, on your left there is the
Goreaxe interupting the dm: I bull rush to the door
DM:
Alenor:
DM: Nothing happens.
Goreaxe: I hit the door with my greataxe
DM:
Nothing happens.Alenor: Goreaxe...
Goreaxe: Hush wizard... this is tough! It is not for weaklings.
Alenor:Goreaxe use the
Goreaxe: Do u not understand?
Alenor: Use the doorhandle.....
Goreaxe: Wizard... speak simply... stop using ridlles.
Alenor:
Goreaxe: U need understand that not all have your high intelligence
Alenor: USE THE ^$^#@$^ING DOORHANDLE YOU @#$%ING $%^HOLE
Goreaxe: oh ok.."I start hiting the doorhandle with my axe "
DM & Alenor: :OMG!
Then we stopped playing for we had realised that long hour sessions had led us to humiliation. The guy playing Goreaxe is actually the best player i have seen. He acted like that cause he had goten bored of being the inteligent one of the party who alwayss gave the solution. For the records Goreaxe had an inteligence score of 5. Thnks for reading, Goodnight.
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Justiciar 1: Dalthon
LN, and worked for a government that was obviously so corrupt, it's not even funny, except that he refused to believe it. At one point, when he decided to go after a certain rebel, the following conversation ensued...
Paladin: "Are you sure this is right?"
Dalthon: "It is the law."
Dunno, I kinda liked how he says a lot between the lines, without quite spelling it out.
Justiciar 2 (eberron, sharn): Firdim, a slightly old and extremely cynical guy, largely due to being in the police force under a similar government for too long and, essentially, having seen more of the real world than is generally considered healthy. Also a bit hot-tempered during a chase. So, he charges into a certain Boromar crime lord BBEG's mansion, through the window, swinging his weapon of choice (manacles) around like crazy, at which point the following, brief conversation ensued.
BBEG (halfling, drawing his sword): "And who, pray tell, do you think you are?"
Firdim: "The LAW!"
This was immediately followed up by 3 power attacks with the manacles for subdual, 2 of which were crits. he fell over almost instantly:D .
DM: You're not wearing any armor, right?
Me: No, my sorcerer is unarmored.
DM: He power attacks for full. *Rolls a Natural 20*
Me: Please don't confirm that.
DM: What?
Me: Please don't confirm that!
DM: Oh. *Rolls confirmation on the crit, and confirms*
Me: (And everybody else) *Cringe*
DM: Let me check the damage. *Looks at the stats, checks the damage and then rolls 2d4. Four times.* 90 damage.
Me: My character dies. At -68.
Player 2: "Ooh, that was nasty."
Player 3: "You're negative HOW MANY hit points?"
Player 4: We need to get that scythe off of him!
The truly horrible thing is, my sorcerer almost died in an earlier encounter that day.
Player 1: You know, it's really hard to rp a character with a very high CHA of 18.
DM: Yea, I see your point. It's like, You need that level of CHA to begin with just to RP it.
Me: If you really had that high of a CHA, would you really be playing D&D?
BBEG (halfling
Am I the only one who found this the funniest aprt?
Yes, actually. Eberron Boromar halflings are scary.
This was out of character chat, but still very funny... & relevant! :D
Player 1: You know, it's really hard to rp a character with a very high CHA of 18.
DM: Yea, I see your point. It's like, You need that level of CHA to begin with just to RP it.
Me: If you really had that high of a CHA, would you really be playing D&D?
I know what you mean. It was really difficult RPing Epoch-of-Endings (Rogue-Mage Approved, btw). In his case, it was WIS. He had 18 WIS, mine's in the 3-5 range. I'm serious. Not just below average, but outright terrible. There was much comedy in trying that. Even funnier as my dice rolls were almost all 1's and 20's. Talk about a loose cannon. In that same game, we tried something new and had the DM assign character concepts. My character was a goth. That runs so contrary to my nature, I think I convinced the DM I don't know the meaning of the word but was too proud to admit it.
Me: *looks up*
DM: You see the tree staring back at you with an irritated look on its face.
Me: "Oh my"
Tree: "Hmph, you call that a root?"
Me: "Well actually I call it my Great Wyrm but that's beside the point....."
The best joke in our campaign (although a little PG-13) happened when we were camping in some forest. The Paladin (me) walked away from the campfire for a bathroom break and while he was relieving himself, he felt a tap on his shoulder.
Me: *looks up*
DM: You see the tree staring back at you with an irritated look on its face.
Me: "Oh my"
Tree: "Hmph, you call that a root?"
Me: "Well actually I call it my Great Wyrm but that's beside the point....."
Even funnier as my dice rolls were almost all 1's and 20's. Talk about a loose cannon.
I'm reminded of Baldur's Gate. There is this character whose voice suddenly switches due to his insanity.
Click on him and his voice would go in a circle of 3 things (Whether you touched him repeatedly or switched between other things it still looped) the first 2 would be in a charming ascetic intelligent voice saying something like "Your voice is like ambrosia..."
The third time he screams in an obnoxiously silly voice "STOP TOUCHING MEEEEEEEE!!!"
During battle his war cries would switch between the charming ascetic voice saying stuff like "Your end shall be forthcoming" and the annoying silly voice saying something like "I HURT YOU NOW!"
I'm reminded of Baldur's Gate. There is this character whose voice suddenly switches due to his insanity.
Hehe. That reminds me of the single most incongruous thing I saw in that game...
There's this priest of some good god, right? You talk to him and he's all like, "Hello, child, and welcome to blah blah healing blah rest yourself blah." However, the audio says, "Don't touch me! I'm SUPER-important!"
Apparently a band of devils raided the lord's manor and abducted the lord and lady and brought them down into the basement.
After a while of adventuring, we finally get to the head devil....with a personal guard of a little over a dozen imps. Needless to say (being the only one with a decent AC) my pally was surrounded by imps.
DM: Okay, each imp attacks by trying to sting you. *rolls* What's your AC again?
Me: 24
DM: Ouch, six hits *rolls* one crit.
Me: So....is it safe to assume they aren't tyring to inject me with Cure Light Wounds potion?
I'm reminded of Baldur's Gate. There is this character whose voice suddenly switches due to his insanity.
Click on him and his voice would go in a circle of 3 things (Whether you touched him repeatedly or switched between other things it still looped) the first 2 would be in a charming ascetic intelligent voice saying something like "Your voice is like ambrosia..."
The third time he screams in an obnoxiously silly voice "STOP TOUCHING MEEEEEEEE!!!"
During battle his war cries would switch between the charming ascetic voice saying stuff like "Your end shall be forthcoming" and the annoying silly voice saying something like "I HURT YOU NOW!"
That's odd. Let's see, Epoch-of-Endings charged a cornugon and missed. He ran straight into the side of Dispater's tower. For the next round or two, he didn't hit even once. No one else got in anything other than minor flesh wounds. Meanwhile, the cornugon continues to beat up the paladin (who's still tied up and can't fight back), ignoring those of us attacking it. Then I charge again (leap attack), natural 20, crit confirmed, max damage, and drop it past -10. It staggers back. "How the hell did that happen?" Then it falls to pieces. Literally.
Because of some severe mishaps, the party members keep pushing me through portals to check if they're safe. Eventually we end up catching Dispater's attention. He shows up in person to deal with us (oof, are we screwed). He expresses confusion that Harmonium sent us rather than another wave of penalties. Epoch shouts out in the least subtle way possible (and my voice cracks, making it even funnier), "They chose us for subtlety!" Dispater asks, "Now why in the world would they choose you?" The party responds, "Tell us if you find out, won't you?"
Nibbler = Gnome Bard
Roland = Human Cleric/Rogue
Volren = Elven Rogue/Ranger
Ulrich = Human Fighter
Ulfgor = Dwarven Fighter (Previous character just died so he made a new one)
The party taking a ride with 4 peasants in a wagon until a Dire Lion attacks one of the 2 horses towing the wagon. A dwarven fighter was around the area, heard the loud roar and head out to investigate. Soon after, they battle for their lives against the dire lion.
After the battle, they made introductions and Ulfgor explained how he was the lone caravan survivor from a kobold ambush until the bard approaches to the dwarf.
Nibbler: Are you lonely?
Ulfgor:
Party: :OMG!
Ulfgor:
*I slowly back off from him*Nibbler: :P I cast hold person on him
Party:
What?! Why?!DM: Roll your save
Ulfgor: Uhhh....10
Nibbler: DC 15, you failed. :D So now i approach toward him :P
DM: You serious? Okay, so what's the rest doing?
Roland: Get the hell away from him, you piece of
!Party:
DM: This is going to be a long night, isn't it?
Dm: HOLY COW!
Me: :facepalm:
Rst:
The poster below, grier, is the dm in this story
Well, turned out my Copper Dragon Shaman had the highest Bluff (+18) and Intimidate (+17, +4 because goblins are Small and my character is Medium), espescially with +2 to each from my aura, so I was chosen to be the messenger of doom. The key elements I included in each dream were:
We have the power to call both angels and devils against you, and even throw the very stars down upon your heads
We have dragons
The other tribe is plotting against you
The red wizards won't keep their promises
In fact, they'll kill you and turn you into undead, cause they don't have to pay undead
The trick is, we have a half-celestial (angel) and a being-redeemed half-fiend (devil) in our party. The celestial cast Daylight on the boulders our catapaults were throwing, and we went through some theatrics about me commanding the celestial and fiend to attack at the beginning of the fight when the glowing "stars" started falling. The dragons were Silent Images and Minor Images flying around. They didn't fool the red wizards, but the goblins sure ran. We chased away one whole tribe and half of another.
As an additional surprise, we see that there are only two goblin tribes in the army, but a large number of goblin zombies in the undead squads. Turns out that after waking up from my dream, one of the goblin leaders conferred with another one that had the dream, and they decided to run to reduce their losses. The other two tribes were convinced to stay when the red wizards massacred the fleeing goblins and reanimated them. So... they WERE killed by the red wizards and raised!
But to make it better, the one leader we didn't know about cast Wind Walk on his mount and flew towards us on the top of the wall. About 150 feet out, one of the hastily constructed enemy catapaults hit the leader with a boulder. The leader didn't make the reflex save, hadn't cast Wind Walk on himself, and didn't have a Ring of Feather Falling... so down he went. Boulder + falling damage + three arrows I had hit him with previously = dead. ANOTHER goblin leader killed by the red wizards!
I'm really good at this predicting stuff... maybe I'll change my name to Cleo :D
Me: *approaches the hermit's blacksmithy* Ahoy, there! Anyone home?
DM: A short dwarf steps out with hair bursting from his face. His beard is so long that it actually reaches the ground. Roll a spot check.
Me: *rolls* Um...17?
DM: You notice that he has braided his beard around his big toes, and he still has room to walk around.
Me: ...I...think I'll hail him again.
DM: He steps forward.
Blacksmith: My boy! Welcome! What can I do for you?
Me: I'd like to purchase a scythe from you. Something vicious that I can brutally hack through the flesh of the damned.
Blacksmith: I see...step into my shack!
DM: You both enter his home and instantly notice a large collage of weapons. He takes you to the scythes.
Blacksmith: Lookit here. I've got a brilliant BEARDED SCYTHE.
Me: Excuse me?...
Blacksmith: It's a scythe, with a mock beard on it. It conceals the blade on its way to landing your fatal blow!
DM: It grants a +1 bonus to attack rolls.
Me: ...*out of character* WTF, Dan?!
DM: Hey...just buy his scythe or he'll be angry with you.
Me: ...*in character again* I think I'll just take a normal Scythe, thank you.
It ended with him very upset because I didn't want his special bearded scythe. This next one I was DMing. Four adventurers had just leaped from a lightning rail train to a pirate ship below.
Me: The pirates on deck are now finished off. There is a large boat house to the back of the ship, what would you like to do?
Rogue: I'm gonna open up the door to the boat house!
Me: A large, gruff looking captain is just on the other side. His mere presence is a sight to behold. Roll initiatives please.
Ranger goes first, then Rogue, then Captain, then others.
Ranger: I'm going to shoot the Captain!
Me: ...the Rogue is in the way, you'd have to be an excellent marksman to pull the shot off.
Ranger: I'll do it anyway!
Rogue: Wait! STOP!
Ranger: *rolls*
Me: You shoot your sneaky friend in the back of the leg. He falls prone.
Rogue: GAH! WHY!
Ranger: Oops...
Rogue: I'm going to try to stand up.
Ranger: Don't do that, then you're just in the way for my next shot!
Rogue: WHY!!!
Needless to say, they didn't cooperate very well.
Half-elf Ranger/Scout
Elf Sorceress
Our group was in the middle of a devil war campaign and our half-elf ranger insisted on visiting his ancestral forest before trying to cross the mountains to get to the BBEG. We had charted a small ship in order to shorten the two week trip to a few days. Unfortunately we found out the captain was a raging drunk.
Captain: *shouting with a flask in one hand and the wheel in the other* "Come on lads! We're almost there! Onward to Gulport!" *points off into the distance*
Paladin: *leans over to first mate* "Errr...he's pointing back to Markensburg...(where we came from)"
First Mate: "Oh don't worry, that wheel's not really connected to anything."
"OMG it is the hotel Cat-ifornia."
Don't you mean Cassandra?
Never forget Cassandra's curse -- to never be believed.
"Look, I've said this before, but I'll say it again: do I really have to do this? I mean, you're telling me to fight this hunky guy face to face and win? Are you crazy?"
"Single combat is the most honorable form of battle. Abide by its rules, face your enemy, and in time you will learn to overcome the odds that may now seem daunting. Face your foe, Kelrin, and know that I shall be with you."
"Yeah, whatever, I'll just smack him in the back, okay?"
So saying, he SA-full-attacked, and critted on one hit, with a warhamer. The fighter was taken instantly into the negatives.
"But...you can't do that!"
"Yeah, that's what he said, and he's unconcious and bleeding to death, know what I mean?"
Setting: A training game just to show a friend how the combat system works. We are on a huge platform in the middle of a flow of lava for some sort of combat to the death.
Cast:
Targbarg: Me, classic half-orc barb, who for this session alone, found himself armed with an M-40A1 sniper rifle for kicks.
Ambiin: Friend we were showing the game too, had to leave early, thats why Targbarg got the M-40.
The Dangeroo: He is a recurring character, and the ULTIMATE badass. In his adventures he killed Pelor, which caused the other gods to fear for their own life. He also killed death itself.
He is virtually all-powerful. He looks like a tough, bald biker (Wagoneer) with a power mustache and a pair of goggles, he is relatively sane until the goggles come off and he can see correctly. His only enemy of semi-equal power is...
Steve Vai: Yes, he has also ascended past godhood. He is the only one who has the beginning of the power to conquer the Dangeroo. Of course, his power resides within his soul patch. Most fear him, even though he is probably good. He uses his guitar as his weapon.
Other Characters in this Session: Matt Mays, Andrew Stockdale, Cedric Bixler and Omar Rodriguez-Lopez, Claudio Sanchez, Syd Barrett, Stevie Ray Vaughn, Hansi Kursch, Tom Waits, Eric Clapton, Robert Plant, Satan.
I have just done away with a nobleman named Cunningham by shooting him in the monocle, which managed to deflect the bullet outwards. This angered the Dangeroo as apparently I had no manners. He turned on me. Heres the log:
The Dangeroo releases Cunningham with extreme force, and the little man flies out over the lava, and onto a distant platform.
He turns.
Targbarg runs for the lava.
From the lava directly ahead of Targbarg emerges a lump covered in running hot liquid. As it stands straight, and the liquid falls from it, one can see a man..that is to say The Man. He lifts slowly above the lava and begins to hover.
Targbarg racks the bolt on the M-40 and then fires it from the hip into the chest of the man.
As the bullet slams into the man's chest, a ricochet can be heard. Then, a familiar sound...and finally, one word is issued from his lips.
Clapton: Cocaine.
Targbarg puts the rifle to his temple and fires.
*click*
It soon became evident that the two titans were working together, and I had little other choice:
Targbarg realizes there is only one choice, and lets forth a "WOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH...OHH! I can't quit you babe."
There is a sudden rumbling from deep within the enclosed chamber, and the lava begins to roil.
The Dangeroo and Clapton both look slightly frightened.
Just at that moment, the roof of the chamber begins to crumble.
At this point, for some reason, The Dangeroo head butted Clapton, at which Clapton's nose exploded:
Targbarg realizes that only one man can counter Clapton when Clapton loses his primary means of intaking cocaine. "SHES MY SWEET LITTLE THING! SHES MY PRIDE AND JOY!" is the call that is issued forth.
Robert Plant begins his descent into the chamber from above, where light is flowing down. His hair is billowing magnificently...then he looks to his right and SRV seems to be doing the same thing. They look at each other, then shrug, and continue downward.
Targbarg fears he has unleashed to much essence of awesome, and may explode at the shear thought.
SRV touches down.
Plant touches down.
Targbarg realizes that surely one more couldn't hurt. Tarhbarg:"Wait....for....Everything Evil in you, comes out."
Doomdoom----doomdoom----tssickitsssickit
Targbarg casts detect huge hair.
Targbarg: [1d20 = 18]
The half orc looks about, detecting a presence of Huge Hair somewhere...
SRV looks at Clapton, his own eyes widening.
SRV: Caught in the crossfire!
JUST THEN THE GROUND ERUPTS!
Claudio: OOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOORRRRRRRRRRHHHH!!!!
Claudio rises from the under earth!
Targbarg ponders....then bellows in his roughest whiskey-drinking voice "BOOKS OF MOSES...BRINGING STONE NEWS!"
Now, the battle involves Targbarg, Robert Plant, Stevie Ray Vaughn, and Claudio Sanchez versus The Dangeroo and Clapton, who just then raises the stakes:
Clapton is building rage, as he can no longer snort cocaine, muscles bulge...and his hair flickers.
The smell of whoopass permeates your nostrils.
Clapton reaches Super-Cocaiyen!
Clapton begins charging a white Bomb.
Targbarg holds his breath.
Just as Clapton was about to release the dreaded white bomb, the lava began to raise, and harden, forming an asphalt road to the platform from far in the distance.
Suddenly an engine is heard accelerating.
Targbarg casts detect 750 norton.
Targbarg: [1d20 = 12]
A 750 Norton slams hard into Claptons body, sending him head over heels smashing into the windshield, and over the back, where he lay dead on the ground. A man in a suit sits with one arm hanging at his side, and a rag tag grin stapled to his features.
Thats how Tom Waits saved us from Clapton, but we still had the Dangeroo to deal with. Then, the group begins to fight back:
Claudio: Woh oh, oh oh ooh oh ayee oh!
Targbarg has an instant morale bonus.
Claudio begins to sing and play furiously.
The Dangeroo is having a hard time maintaining posture with the awesome rock.
SRV looks around, at Claudio, then to Plant. Plant and SRV both nod to each other, and the Vaughn plays his guitar like never before as Plant milks the supple tones from his vocal chords.
Mr. Waits begins to perform the most gravelly vocal percussion time has ever heard; it is whiskey bliss.
When something terrible happens:
The Dangeroo trembles trying to withstand so much awesome.
Plant screams shrill, a holy note to be sure...but it is indeed high pitched.
The Dangeroo 's goggles suddenly shatter.
Targbarg: Oh GOD!
Targbarg takes cover.
Everyone looks at Plant.
Plant shrugs.
The Dangeroo lunges forward and grabs the delicate man by the shirt.
The Dangeroo begins to shake Robert like a ragdoll, his limbs flopping this way and that.
Everyone is terrified.
Targbarg cries.
Just then...
NIIIGHT FAAA HAAALL!!!!
Targbarg gapes in awe.
The area goes dark as a deep and melodious bellow bursts from the very seams of reality.
Hansi Kursch steps down from seemingly nowhere into the center of the ring.
Targbarg: Hansi!
The Dangeroo laughs in his face.
Hansi Kursch 's hair billows back as he stands facing the bald giant with a stoic look of intruigue.
Everyone waits with terrible anticipation.
The Dangeroo finishes his laugh which had later turned to a downright scream into Hansi's face.
The group is gaining in power as more and more musical greats are added:
Hansi looks unimpressed, then screams with harmony even though he is the only one singing.
Hansi: NEVER TRUST THE NORTH WINDS!
Everyone quickly catches on.
All begin to sing.
Hansi: Lost! Upon the battle field..!
Targbarg: HES GOT FASTING BLACK LUNGS MADE OF CLOVE SPLINTERED SHARDS!
Everyone stops, waiting...they all turn to Targbarg, but they look pleased, as if he had anticipated their plan.
The Dangeroo looks indignant.
The Dangeroo obviously doesn't understand what is taking place, he laughs into his moustachops slightly.
Suddenly, from the depths of lava, a massive ship erupts!
Targbarg: Dear Sir, Can you remember me? I'm the one who picked the apple tree.
Cedric Bixler-Zavala and Omar Rodruigez-Lopez both stand at the prow of a massive ship covered in hundreds of lanterns.
Targbarg ponders if the ship is drunk.
Andrew Stockdale explodes onto the scene erupting from the ground in a flurry of vegetation and a single huge tree.
Targbarg does his best to stay conscious in the presence of such awesome.
And then enlightenment hits the half-orc, the missing peice of the puzzle.
Targbarg raises a fist in the air mightily!
There is a sudden rumbling, much like a huge motor.
Targbarg: Cahnt fine mah shuse!
A huge man with long dirty blond hair walks across the lava, carying a guitar. He is barefoot.
Bonnamassa: Cain't fine mah shues!
I continue to summon forth yet more powerful musical beings:
The area begins to rumble, the awesomeness contained is simply insane!
With the sound of an organ, and a catchy drum tune, a man with long shaggy hair walks in.
Targbarg: So, do you think you can tell heaven from hell? Blue skies from pain?
Bonnamassa is singing softly, soothingly.
Matt Mays begins to play the guitar, strumming softly and singing along as well.
Syd Barret winks into existance.
Syd Barret can't seem to make sense of anything.
Targbarg shrugs, he was always very weird.
Then:
The Dangeroo flexes, and causes a shockwave.
Everyone staggers back!
Targbarg is injured terribly.
Targbarg, with everything he has left, steps beside Syd and takes his guitar, and in a flurry unbeknownst to himself, he plays a triad so utterly fast and excellent only ONE man could have heard it.
The sky gets light suddenly.
The Dangeroo roars.
The Dangeroo lunges out at Syd Barret, grabbing him by the husk now that his weapon, the guitar, has been removed.
The Dangeroo rends Syd into three pieces with two movements, sending rainbows and acid eveerywhere.
Then, the power grows to its final level:
Suddenly, a man stands before Targbarg.
Targbarg casts detect soulpatch.
Targbarg's detection organ is ruptured because of the complete and total definite existence of a soulpatch being there. There is no doubt that there is a soul patch.
Vai yanks the guitar from Targbarg.
Vai looks it over, then breaks it quietly into pieces.
Targbarg bows.
Vai nods royally.
Everyone else is bowing as well.
The Dangeroo does not bow.
Now, with so many musical greats, there is but one thing left to do, but apparently Vai didn't bring his guitar with him, so:
With a lustful and vicious glare in the Dangeroo's direction, Vai clenches his hand.
Vai then extends his arm out over the lava.
Targbarg gasps.
Satan erupts from the fires of hell!
The devil then begins to cringe, and writhe!
Satan doubles over clutching his chest, and then slowly with the bone crunching agony of transmutation, he begins to shift.
Vai maintains strained concentration.
Satan after several moments takes on the shape of a lustrous red guitar.
The dev-uitar suddenly shifts position and slams into Vai's hand, who then tames the wild music.
Vai now has the Devil himself contained in Guitar form, and he begins to play, along with the other amazing musicians:
Vai erupts into a frenzied solo, which lasted 40 days and 40 nights.
Everyone else joins in, creating a musical masterpiece, the likes of which will never grace ANYTHING again.
Targbarg explodes into confetti and is contained within a balloon.
After the solo is over, everything is dead, except those worthy enough to hear it.
The balloon pops and Targbarg lands on the ground with a thump.
Everyone in the chamber is alive.
The Dangeroo lay gasping his last few breaths on the ground.
Vai throws the dev-uitar down at his face, and leaves, beckoning the rest of the congregation to do so as well.
Targbarg falls in line, at the very end. He is not worthy.
You follow, in complete awe, sustained for forty days and forty nights by the sheer nutrition of music.
That was seemingly the end of the Dangeroo:
Several days later....
The Dangeroo is awakened by a strange reverberation.
The Dangeroo: A solo, though faint, is being played in his ear. The notes speak to him, and the wailing guitar says, "Pick me up. Take me."
The Dev-uitar is still lying on the ground.
The Dangeroo stands agonized but still does so.
The Dangeroo picks up the lustrous red guitar.
Miles away, Targbarg wakes up in a hot sweat...something terrible was in his mind.
Targbarg: MALANGOOOOOOO!
With the last trails of sleep dashing off, the lingering note echoes in the half-orcs head.
Somewhere in the distance, a soft red glow steals through the underbrush.
Targbarg contemplates suicide.
And thats how, children, the Dangeroo gained even more power, and somehow managed to survive in the face of such awesome. Needless to say, it was a pretty crazy, yet memorable session. I'll be impressed if anyone reads the whole thing, I couldn't hold back on just part of the thing.
Thanks to: Coheed and Cambria, Blind Guardian, Led Zeppelin, Wolfmother, The Mars Volta, Matt Mays and El Torpedo, Pink Floyd, Tom Waits, Eric Clapton, Steve Vai, SRV (RIP), Joe Bonamassa, and to anyone else who is summoned to do battle with the Dangeroo in the future :D . Also, to the makers of FantasyGrounds, awesome program.
In a fight with 5 fighters, the blackguards helmet was sundered. He had made a point of describing it as big and shiny, so it made sense. I swear to Tir this rolled randomly, but a Helm of Opposite Alignment dropped in their loot.
ME: On the corpse of leader is a soot blackened helmet, which appears to at one point have been blue.
Greg: Good. Me need new hat.
Steve: (OOC) Idiot, never put on a magic item without IDing it first! Now the DM is gonna change it to be cursed.
Greg: (OOC) Nah, he plays honest. Anyways, it's in character.
Greg: Hat kinda small.
Me: As you slip the helm over four head, you have a strong compulsion to speak with me away from the table.
Steve: (OOC) Told'ja. Bring 4d6. Your gonna need them.
(In private)
Me: Your now LG.
Greg: COOL! I can multi-class paladin! So, do we get 380 xp from this?
*snip*
TLDR: Played epic death brawl to train nubs(....why?) did things that were way broken and made witty remarks and band references that were probably only funny if you were there.
a) Most newbs we manage to find (none?) leave because it isn't WoW. We try to get them started with straight out combat to interest them, then slowly bring in the concept of roleplay. Its out of necessity.
b) The encounter was created in maybe 3 minutes specifically for a player who then left before it started. Twas botched before it began, time to have crazy things happen?
c) 60% of the time, we only loosely follow the rules for the benefit of the story, which is much more important to us then rules lawyering. Although we *are* making attempts to be more "true" to the game, as at one point soon after we started, we realized we rarely used the books, minis, or maps anymore, just dice.
....and also, we have a very strange sense of humour.
But anyway, its not like any of it really matters, or as if its going to greatly affect anyone, its just a game. Continue.
Me: DM. Gregory:CE Barbarian Blackguard. Steve:Steve
In a fight with 5 fighters, the blackguards helmet was sundered. He had made a point of describing it as big and shiny, so it made sense. I swear to Tir this rolled randomly, but a Helm of Opposite Alignment dropped in their loot.
ME: On the corpse of leader is a soot blackened helmet, which appears to at one point have been blue.
Greg: Good. Me need new hat.
Steve: (OOC) Idiot, never put on a magic item without IDing it first! Now the DM is gonna change it to be cursed.
Greg: (OOC) Nah, he plays honest. Anyways, it's in character.
Greg: Hat kinda small.
Me: As you slip the helm over four head, you have a strong compulsion to speak with me away from the table.
Steve: (OOC) Told'ja. Bring 4d6. Your gonna need them.
(In private)
Me: Your now LG.
Greg: COOL! I can multi-class paladin! So, do we get 380 xp from this?
The paladin in my group already announced that if they ever stumbled across of a Helmet of Opposite Allignment, he'd slam it on the first Balor they'd come across.
Anyway, nice way for that guy to accept it :D Can you trade in blackguard for paladin levels?
Ex-Barbarians
A barbarian who becomes lawful loses the ability to rage and cannot gain more levels as a barbarian. He retains all the other benefits of the class (damage reduction, fast movement, trap sense, and uncanny dodge).
They wouldn't lose everything, but they'd be far less potent since Rage is their defining characteristic.
Spellthief: "Hey, anyone want some darts, there's plently to go around."
Barbarian: "Uhhh... They look kinda rusty."
Spellthief: "..... Hey, anyone want Tetanus, there's plenty to go around."
Party split up, half of us heading north to a chapel/crypt, the other half staying in town to gather supplies for a big expedition.
Crypties:
Father Kain (Human Cleric of Paler/Golden one)
Leodran (Human Swordsage)
Towngoers;
Mizuki Hana (Rokugani Enchantress)
Jumeau Argent (Deva Thrallherd) -Me
The townfolk are in an ENORMOUS grand city, and have to procure supplies. Jumeau, naturally, heads to the engineering university for the best in gnomish technology.
Did I mention this trip is ENTIRELY on the dollar of the city bureaucrats?
DM: The gnome shows you some of the basics, of the steam powered turtle to ford the river.
Me: So, would you be able to alter it to travel across the desert to the north as well?
DM: He mumbles on about engineering things, heat composite plating, solar panels and the like.
Me (OOC) Yay for ranks in knowledge(engineering), I know what the hell he's tlaking about.
DM as gnome: So.... how much are you willing to spend?
Me: :D Yes.
DM: ... ... ... several days later, throughout the entire city a voice of anguish and frustration rings out "Jumeaaaaaaaaaaaaau!"
Me: Ah, she got my invoice.
In the exploration of the crypt, the following ensues;
DM: So, what are you doing?
Kain: I'm turning undead, lots of times. *rolls damage. ashes many*
DM: You?
Leo: Since I can take 10 on my tumble, I ignore them completely and double move to the center of this mass.
DM (OOC): So, you're doing the ninja thing.
Leo: Essentially.
later...
DM: at the other end of the horde of undead there's something they're shambling towards. You can make out a noise, it-
Me (OOC): You hear AC/DC's 'Highway to Hell"
DM (OOC): What? No way man, Nirvana!
Me (OOC): Well, at least now we know that from a distance it looks like he's moshing and crowd surfing at the same time.
DM facepalms.
After a very stupid series of actions, Leo kills a LG Illithid and winds up dead for it, then he gets back up anyways.
Kain: Er... that's not a good thing.
Leo: No... generally it isn't.
Thacar, or 'Tentacle chick' as we dubbed her, gets ressed by an ally NPC with a scroll. After some minor conversation, they're heading back.
Leo: Alright, I think I'm going to book it back to town.
DM: You shuffle at half your normal speed.
Leo: Boo hiss! This sucks, I'm SLOW now!
Kain: Oh bite me, you still move faster than I do!
Leo: Yeah, that's why I never wear full plate, duh.
When Leo arrives at Jumeau's place
Jumeau: Wow, Leo what happened to you? You look like death!
Leo: Yeah, there's a reason for that. on that note, can I borrow your lawyers?
Discussing ways to get his soul back with the tentacled one.
Thacar; If you beg Palor's intercession he can wrest your soul from the clutches of Nerull, who has claimed you as his chosen.
Jumeau; You do realize that there's more to getting a soul back than just getting your god to go beat up another god. Usually there's due process to re-obtaining one's soul. *pulls out a copy of 'infernal contracts 101'*
Thacar *pulls out a copy of 'holy wars 201'*
Kain (OOC): Oh my god they're the same book!
Game stops for 10 minutes while the DM remembers how to breathe again.
Those were the better moments at least.
Rosewood ( rogue ) after killing priest that has a small girl illusion over him.
"Thanks Hanover, you got here just in time. Good thing you saw through that illusion also."
Hanover ( rogue )
"That was an illusion?"
Our N/E cleric just roleplayed convinced the only survivor of a kobold raiding team with formerly 14 members ( the LVL 5 fighter/Leader)to be his little buddy, but my rogue was being mhm careful" with new friends. So during nighttime he sneaks up to the seemingly sleeping cobold to coup de grace him. Unfortunately the kobold was only pretending to sleep and wanted to escape during nightime, so i had to make a normal attack.)
Kobold: Master help, we are under attack!
Cleric: hey whats up, who is attacking us?
Me : Your kobold was trying to assassinate us while sleeping.
DM: Ok roll abluff check.
( rogue rolls a nat. 1)
Cleric: you are damaging my property, how can you, you are not allowed to do this!
The scene was that all of the characters were kidnapped - the kidnappers were ordered to find adventurers far and wide and bring them to Vol's castle in order to find out information and have a bargaining chip in case Richter Belmont came knocking on her door.
Long story short, Vol wished to resurrect Dracula.
Anyway, the characters are on a ship that the kidnappers are transporting them on, and the party rogue slips out of his manacles and picks the lock on everyone else's. I'd been rolling d%'s every round to see if the bugbear sentry would come downstairs to check on them. At the last minute, when the rogue is unlocking the door, the bugbear comes trudging down the stairs.
The party becomes panicked because they think it's something bigger, and they begin putting the unlocked manacles back on their arms and laying there as though they were either sleeping or too fatigued to interact with the bugbear. I roll the bugbear's spot against each of their bluffs... and the rogue gets a 2. I halt the game for a few seconds, trying to think of a reasonable way that the bugbear could see the rogue blunder on making it look like he wasn't locked up after a couple rounds of preparation.
The player of the rogue waves over to me, and he puts his hands behind his back. He then sneezes and puts his hands in front of his face, looks at me wide-eyed, and then returns his hands behinds his back and rolls his eyes away from me
We. Died.
"But ofcourse! You could have said.." (smiles and removes head)
"Now, will there be anything else?"
It's made better by the fact that every time I've witnessed it being uttered a player at the table has invariably face-palmed.
"Feel free to do non-lethal damage!"
DM: Roll initiative. Ok cale?
Cale: Six
DM: Seven?
Seven: Eight
Party: :bounce:
Before our very first game (I'm DM, no one else has played DnD before, but they have played RPG's on computers) we were chilling downstairs (we play upstairs) eating, chilling out and waiting for Charles to come.
Me: Looks like Charles will have to carry a chair upstairs.
Peter: Why? Oh, I know, it's part of his character, isn't it?
Me: No Peter, we only have five chairs upstairs and Charles is the last person to show up.
Silly new comers.
Omni - gestalt soulknife/warmind // warlock/hellfire warlock. CG, but gets his powers from having a fiend of near deific might imprisoned within him.
Will - gestalt bard/rogue. Totally nuts. Uses an iPod and perform (disc jockey) for bardic music abilities. Has a tendency to use improvised weapons. Especially holy symbols as shuriken. Insists fiends are vulnerable.
Ta-Ammet - the main villain. Came to power in the same way Omni did. Seeks to undo existance to end all suffering.
Scene 1:
We're in battle with Ta-Ammet. Will gets into flanking position, armed with a two-by-four.
Will: [taps Ta-Ammet on shoulder] Knock knock.
[Ta-Ammet turns to face him]
Will: It's for you! [bashes Ta-Ammet right in the face and snaps the two-by-four]
Scene 2:
Will and Omni have been captured. Ta-Ammet foolishly placed us on opposite sides of the dungeon.
Will: Hey! Evil lizardy guy [Ta-Ammet]! He's planning something! He just winked at me!
Ta-Ammet then turns to face me, to make sure I don't try something. His back is now toward Will. Will, having already succeeded on his escape artist attempt, throws his shackles around Ta-Ammet's neck and chokes him out. Having a vital rescue mission to accomplish, we don't check whether he's just unconscious and leave him. He escapes to fight again.
Crovax: A dwarven barbarian prone not only to fits of rage but fits of stupidity and drunkenness.
Demoquin: Calculating and crafty wannabe (at this point assassin).
Setting: a halfling village where the party has just beaten back a band of ogres. Crovax has knocked back a few pints and is enjoying the halfling bard that is playing and decides he wants something stronger. He gets something stronger and I (DM) have him roll a Fortitude save DC 15:
DM: Roll fort save
Crovax: ****, I'm drunk.
DM: What did you roll?
Crovax: Natural 1
DM: Not only are you drunk, but you lose all inhibition and start raving wildly.
Crovax: I strip naked and start dancing like Party Boy from Jackass (Perform check causes some people to scatter and draws ire from Demoquin)
Demoquin: I throw a mug at him
DM: Roll to hit, he's fifteen feet away.
Demoquin: Ten total (a miss)
DM: Roll again
Demoquin Natural 20.
DM: Roll to confirm the crit (confirms it). Okay, Crovax, you make a Spot check (makes it, even in his wildly drunken state) You see a tankard of ale fly past your head and strike the bard you've been enjoying between the eyes, knocking him unconcious
Crovax: I fly into a rage and take a swing at Demoquin.
Demoquin: I'm not anywhere near you.
Crovax: I don't care I'm raging and swinging anyways. (Rolls to hit, natural 1, DEX check to stay upright, fails miserably, falls down)
The remaining halflings at this point are getting the hell out of the way and going for the town guard. Crovax is incapacitated.
Demoquin: I stand over the dwarf and unsheathe my dagger and cut his beard off.
I thought this was fairly humorous, the kid who plays Crovax has since gone onto play at least five chaotic types including Tusk, his half-orc barbarian/cleric that I mentioned earlier.
Party:
Me - Ffamrei, an Artificer using the no LA version of Tiefling from FR.
Ricky - Neo, a Human Druid who recently earnt himself a Winter Wolf animal companion after much side-questing.
Sam - Neena, a Changeling Rogue with a life plan of 'Stab first, ask questions maybe'.
I took a homebrew Flaw for Ffamrei to get Martial Weapon Proficiency: Shortbow. Aura of Conflict, basically every social skill except Intimidate takes a -2 penalty when she's within 10 feet of the discussion. The irony is, she's actually really nice and laid-back (reasonably high CHA cause she's an Artificer and needs the UMD), but the damn Aura keeps causing problems. And the rest of the party hasn't worked it out yet...
Anyway, Neena finally managed to get herself killed by taking the form of the youngest Prince and trying to 'procure appropriate weaponry' from a local forge. Thing is, she failed a Knowledge: Local roll and forgot that he was out of the country on a well-publicised diplomatic journey. If she'd told Ffamrei or Neo, she might have been warned off, but too little too late.
Neo, being a fairly diplomatic type, decided to take her body to his Circle and negotiate for a Reincarnation. (These things never end well...) Also, he forgot that Druid magic draws strength literally from the Earth itself... And that the druids were feuding with the townsfolk. Twonk...
High Druid: You must understand, my boy, such magic is a strain on the Earth. It could devastate the forest.
Neo: There's got to be something we can do. The townsfolk have spells that rejuvenate the land after a harsh season!
High Druid: What townsman would use such a spell to benefit us?
Neo: ... crap... Wait! I've got it! Ffamrei, can make magic items! We'll have her make a wand or a staff or something!
Ffamrei: I heard that! I'm not using that much of my magic just to bring back that wand-stealing little weed! (No love lost there.)
Neo: (valiantly ignoring the tiefling) It wouldn't be any trouble at all!
High Druid: Well...
Neo: Please? (Puppy dog eyes a natural 20)
High Druid: Oh, very well. Have your friend prepare the magic.
Ffamrei: OI! Don't I get any say in this?
Neo: I'll give you that Staff of the High Forest I found.
Ffamrei: Why didn't you just say so?
Ffamrei promptly drains the Staff for a MASSIVE chunk of Craft Reserve EXP, much to Neo's distress.
Neo: But... but... it was... STAFF OF HIGH FOREST!!!
Ffamrei: What, you didn't think I actually wanted to use it, did you? It's tree-hugging hippie crap.
We're South Park luvin' weirdos. Table cracks up, leaving me looking around in confusion before the obvious dawns on me.
Our group is in a tavern. The party leader is absolutely drunk. He reaches over and pukes into the paladin of Alexander's pouch, saying,
"This bag of holding will keep it fresh."
The paladin says, "I'm not carrying a bag of holding."
"It sucks to be you."
So we are in this underground cave system and we come to a door. I open it and on the other side are a bunch of orcs. We roll inititive and the Ranger goes first.
Arthus: I go in and shoot one with my bow (Rolls and misses the orc)
Me: I go in and attack the same orc (Rolls and beat up the orc a little)
Angelous: I walk in and say "We come in peace."
Group:
DM: Are you going to wait for a reply or what?
Angelous: I attack an orc.
Now our groups motto is "We come in peace" followed by an attack. This is also where my sig comes from.
Another time we were in this arena that was owned by a bunch of Giants. It consisted of us as a party fighting random monsters. We were allowed to surrender but then we had to fight more battles to gain our freedom. So we get in the arena and on the other side is this evil looking bad guy.
We start out by heading towards it, but then it disappears. After a round it appears above Ryo's head. We all try to spot it but only Ryo and Arthus see it. Arthus shoots it and misses. All of a sudden Arthus dies. This causes Gracelynn to see it. I still have no clue what's going on, so I just stand around looking dumb. The casters are trying to hit it with spells while I stand around doing nothing useful. Next, Ryo dies. I still have no idea where it is. Finally Gracelynn hits it and I find it. The monster casts a new spell and Gracelynn implodes. I look between the monster and my dead party member. I promptly surrender and resurect my fallen comrades. It was a painful day for most.
Evil druid beats up party CoDzilla style, leaves them for dead
Fighter: Why...? Why do you hate all life?
Druid: Think of it this way. The world is a being - Humans are a virus.
Evil druid beats up party CoDzilla style, leaves them for dead
Fighter: Why...? Why do you hate all life?
Druid: Think of it this way. The world is a being - Humans are a virus.
"There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus." -- Agent Smith, The Matrix
"There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. Do you know what it is? A virus." -- Agent Smith, The Matrix
I was more reminded of a Red Dwarf episode involving cold sores and the wide berth between Earth and other planets.
DM: You enter the guard house.
Me: Is the stonework unusual?
DM: *sigh* No. The guard leads you up to the magistrates office.
Me: Is the stonework un-
DM: NO! THE STONEWORK IS SO ****ING NORMAL IT BLOWS YOUR MIND!
BoN
"Sorry?"
For the record, the other rogue just took the money and ran.
*My rogue kept making silly jokes in battle (a bit like Spider-man), his trademark one "We're here for the carpets".
Later on, we met an animated carpet that took out the two fighters and our druid. So me and the barbarian are standing solemnly over their corpses, and my character sadly whispered "The carpet was here for us"
*We woke up in a crypt of some sort, having no recollection how we got there. I open the door and see a zombie eating a dead body. I prep my arrow, taking a ready action that I would let rip if the zombie so much as twitched towards us. The zombie turns and sees as, looks at us and an arrow goes right through his hand. So it just stands there, arrow sticking out and all, looks at it and says "Dude, what the f**k? It's not polite to shoot me when I'm having dinner!"
*Raxelfon (fiend dragon) "You will die, mortals!"
Elf ranger (me) "That's why they call us mortals, dummy, cause we can die"
*There was this Angel of Death encounter (MMII, I think) that the campaign was building unto. We kept seeing dreams about him, like Ringu atmosphere dreams, and kept listening the faintest whisper "Your soul is mine". Also, he had placed a curse on us: we had one week to defeat him, or we would simply die.
When we finally faced him, the again screamed "Your soul is mine". The battle wasn't easy, but we did manage to defeat him. So we just stand around his body afterwards, the fact the curse was broken and we would live sinking in, and we don't really know what to say. So my character spoke for all of us, saying "*Your* soul is *ours*". Then spitting on the corpse.
You had to be there.
*And one I've heard but never experienced.
The barbarian rushes towards (unlocked, untrapped) door.
"Argh, I will smash this puny door!"
The wizards interjects "You know, the door DOES have a handle, barbarian"
The barbarian ponders on it for a second, and goes "You speak in riddles, wise wizard". Then bashes the door.
(Incidentally, Blood Sugar is a nice little Halloween 'WTF???' kind of session. Now if only we celebrated Halloween here, eh? But I digress.)
The party works for Otherworld Inc., Supernatural Troubleshooters Extraordinaire! (That's seriously what it says on the business cards.) Party Roster:
Me - 'Black' Alice Jones, a Smart Hero 3/Psion(Telekinetic) 2. So nick-named because of her dark humour, foul mouth and the DM's love of Discworld novels. Her backstory involved previous work with Department 7 (in our world, the official equivalent of Underworld Inc. and a bunch of jerks) so she's supposedly more experienced with the weird stuff than the rest of the party.
Ricky - Tommy 'Dee' Jones, Alice's naive cousin and played by a fan of the American-turned-Australian comedian Tommy Dee. Fast Hero 4/Tough Hero 1 working towards Gunslinger. He's the party 'killer of all things nasty' and once pegged a vampire through the heart from forty foot away with a wooden letter opener.
Sam - Leah Sera, Spanish Fast Hero 5 and former catburgler turned troubleshooter. The player drops in 'Spanish' here and there, but as the only Spanish she speaks is picked up from Resident Evil 4 she never knows what she's saying and wonders why I keep laughing at her. Recently agreed to drop the fake Spanish as long as I promised to never correct her grammar again.
Anyway, we're wandering about a candy factory looking for some weird-ass monster that bleeds a really gross mixture of sugar and blood. Ewwwwwwww. Alice has been grumbling for most of the mission, firstly because she got called away from her day off (and she'd recently managed to acquire an Aassimar as a boyfriend, don't ask how) and second because she'd botched a Knowledge roll and was convinced that there was some kind of sugar-demon possessing the night guard and that she would be next. She'd been possessed once before, but she hadn't had levels in Psion then...
Alice: (slips in a patch of blood and almost falls onto a corpse of a cop) Oh god, ew... Oh god, look at his head, ew...
Leah: Yuck. (passes some Knowledge rolls) It looks like he died only a few minutes ago. And not all of this blood is his, some is that sugar stuff again.
Alice: (botches the roll again) So he didn't get possessed, it's still a dead cop. Now, if you could track where the demon went, that would be useful.
Tommy: Found him.
Alice and Leah: !!!
Tommy: I think he knows we're here, we've made enough noise. We're going to have to tempt him out.
Alice: ...Don't look at me like that. Not gonna happen.
Tommy: Well, you can't shoot for
...Leah: Besides, with that brain of yours, you'd make perfect bait.
Alice: NO! No
way, you !Tommy uses this distraction to sneak around behind her and shove her out to where the sugar slave is waiting.
Alice: (looks at sugar slave)
Sugar Slave: (looks at Alice) Sugar...
Alice:
(hands DM a note, DM laughs evilly)Tommy: ...Oh crap.
Sugar Slave:
Sugar... (lurches towards Alice, who is sloooooowly backing towards the rest of the party) Sugar...Leah: Hey, give us a clear shot!
Tommy: I swear, she's smirking... she's planning something...
And indeed she was, for the DM had mentioned bags of flour near the door. And we all know what happens when you use Fire on Flour, don't we?
Sugar Slave: Sugar... Sugar... (lurch)
Alice:
Die, you useless excuse for a Pokemon! (Energy Ray: Fire on the flour bags)Sugar Slave: Sugar! (dies)
Tommy and Leah: :OMG :bounce:
DM: Well done. You just killed the d20 version of Pikachu with the equivalent of a mental match.
Alice:
All in a day's work.DM: Just one little problem. There were hostages, and now half the building is missing.
Party: :OMG
Tommy: You killed the hostages, you idiot!
Leah:
Alice: I had to make sure it wouldn't eat my brain!
:surrender I suck.
Someone I know (who played in my dad's games when he used to DM) bounced back a meteor the size of Jupiter into space by rolling a natural 100 on a d100
He ticked my dad off enough to get a meteor on top of him but he still lived"
Translation provided by Lying Conversion systems :P
Not that it matters, because this post is still superfluous to the thread
So I ask the rouge to steal this fish from a market stall but the player says he has no slight of hand. I find out that I do so I steal the fish. Now because of the stupidity of the plan nothing happens and we are walking the streets with this fish. The rouge turns to me and says
"Why are you still carrying that around with you?"
To which I replyed
"To prove im better then you"
And indeed she was, for the DM had mentioned bags of flour near the door. And we all know what happens when you use Fire on Flour, don't we?
Only if the flour is in a cloud. In a bag, all that happens is that you get a smell like bread baking, but without the bread.
Yes, it's a cute little factoid that flour is explosive, but everyone forgets the addendum: under the right conditions. "In a bag" doesn't make it.
Why is it that any time a player hears of an interesting effect, his first thought is, "how can I use this to kill something?"
Besides, it's bloody d20 Modern. I can project beams of pure energy with my mind. LOGIC HAS NO PLACE THERE.
We eventually reach the main bedroom after fighting our way through a bunch of invading creatures who clearly sacked the house while we were gone.
In there, the clear leader is holding a sword to the throat of our contact, a helpless (at this time) woman.
The leader says "Come no closer or I run her through!"
The warmage steps to the front, trying to taunt the leader to fight him, and says to the leader "Why kill that woman, when you could kill a CHAMPION?"
Down at the bottom of a deep lake, the sorcerer finds himself alone outside the radius of the daylight spell on the fighter's sword. Of course the black dragon they're fighting can see just fine and executes a diving charge.
Me (DM): As Wilhelm (the fighter) disappears around the corner, you realise that it's suddenly very, very dark. It's also very, very dragon.
Me (DM): As Wilhelm (the fighter) disappears around the corner, you realise that it's suddenly very, very dark. It's also very, very dragon.
Yup, that is funny :D
Actually, even in a cloud, flour isn't explosive. Sure, you can burn a small area, but the fire doesn't magically dance off to the next airborne flour particle. It's a myth.
Well.. grain silos CAN explode (and have!), but it requires a much finer dust than bagged flour. It takes a dust fine enough that it won't settle out (smokelike particulates) and it has to be thick enough that (as you note) the flame front can propogate -- it's an accidental fuel-air bomb. A grain silo is basically the only condition in which you get enough churning in an enclosed space for it to work. Flour mills ventilate very carefully to prevent that kind of buildup since milling created a lot of fine dust.
Okay so we're all playing Kobolds in the Age of Worms campaign. Our sorceress just took her first level of Alienist (Complete Arcane) which was something me and Johnny never even heard of. We knew enough that she would be able to summon mutated monsters or something but never bothered to look into it further.
So we get a little crazy and attack this small army of lizard people who are attacking a keep (Encounter at Blackwall Keep). We meant to attack, do some damage and then run off and hide but when it looked like we were going to be swamped with lizard people we ran back to the stockade corral there for cover.
Rue uses her first ever summon monster spell since she took Alienist and summons a bison. The DM described the wierd looking bison too with all the pustules and tentacles and stuff because he knew Ally's whole thing with the Alienist is to make the freakiest character she can, right?
Now it's become kind of a joke with us that we call all her monsters by their full name like "pseudonatural giant fire beetle". So after a minute or two of mentioning this and that about what Rue's "pseudonatural bison" is doing...
Ally: Okay, I dismiss the pseudonatural bison. It's just going to freak out the humans in the keep and I think we're going to have a hard time with them anyways.
Johnny: What the hell's a bison?
Ally: Huh?
Johnny: What the hell's a pseudonatural bison?
Ally: That's the monster I summoned. I'm an alienist now so when I use summon monster spells I use a different template. Like Celestial and Fiendish.
Me: He means the "bison" part. (to Johnny) It's like a big bull thing.
Johnny: Oh.
Ally: So, anyways...
Johnny: I just never heard of a bison before. I mean, what the hell?
Ally: It's just this big bull thing, like Mary said.
Johnny: Yeah but what is it?
Me: I said already. It's like a bull or one of those big beast of burden kind of animals you see on the Discovery channel. Jeez it's just a big cow, alright?
Johnny: Yeah but I never heard of that. Are you sure that's what it is?
Ally: (grabs the Monster Manual) Hold on...
....
Ally: (points to something in the Monster Manual, moves her lips like she's reading) Ah...here it is. "Bison. A type of gazebo."
Johnny: Oh.
Me: (just staring at Ally with my jaw dropped)
...
Johnny: Okay, what the hell is a gazebo?
Now the thing that makes this just absolutely priceless is that Johnny isn't just some moron. He's a damn smart guy. I mean really smart. So smart that I can't tell you what he does for a living because I could get in trouble.
And he not only got so thrown off by the "pseudonatural" thing that he didn't recognize "bison" but he didn't get the "gazebo" thing either.
Seriously. We didn't even laugh at first. We were too overwhelmed.
A party is fighting zombies in a graveyard. I'm assuming there had to be some sort of necromancer in there, because they just kept coming! It start to rain, further complicating matters, and the party's cleric gets the idea to ask his god to bless the rain.
(Yes, this should probably never actually happen. But the DM allowed it.)
So now it's raining holy water, but it's not enough. So the cleric looks up at the sky, spreads his hands beseechingly and says:
"God, if you are a good and true God, you will send me hail. Hail the size of bowling balls!"
Ally: (points to something in the Monster Manual, moves her lips like she's reading) Ah...here it is. "Bison. A type of gazebo."
Johnny: Oh.
Me: (just staring at Ally with my jaw dropped)
...
Johnny: Okay, what the hell is a gazebo?
Now the thing that makes this just absolutely priceless is that Johnny isn't just some moron. He's a damn smart guy. I mean really smart. So smart that I can't tell you what he does for a living because I could get in trouble.
And he not only got so thrown off by the "pseudonatural" thing that he didn't recognize "bison" but he didn't get the "gazebo" thing either.
Seriously. We didn't even laugh at first. We were too overwhelmed.
Ow...surgical pains and hilarity do not a comfortable situation make...
Shard - Handgun-slinging RAmarl with an attitude and even snarkier because she was being played by me with a hangover.
ISP - Apparently stands for Interestingly Strange Person, a FOnewm with glasses, grin, and overactive adrenaline glands.
Nephtis - HUcaseal played as a complete lunatic AI who only tolerates ISP for heals and Shard because Shard has the know-how to wipe her systems. Only male player we let play a female character.
---Wandering around in the Forest, we find a strange passage. Unbeknownst to us, it leads down to the Ruins, a.k.a. Ancient Spaceship Being Absorbed By An Even More Ancient Demonic Entity, a.k.a. not somewhere I particularly wanted to go when hung over.---
DM: The walls around you are starting to turn a vaguely purplish colour, and a faint scent of death hangs in the air.
ISP: Oh wow! That is so cool! I'm gonna poke the walls and see if they feel strange!
DM: The wall shifts beneath your touch and emits a stench that is best described as prodigiously foul.
Shard:
I don't think I want the money any more.Nephtis: Stupid weak fleshy.
Shard: Just remember who has the remote that wipes your systems.
Nephtis: Did I say stupid and weak? Make that brilliant and cute.
Shard: You may yet live.
---Further down the passage, having watched ISP completely pwn a group of Delsabers with his Rafoie spell.---
DM: *long-winded description of guts and blood painting the walls and splattering over the party, in exceedingly nasty detail*
Shard:
I could have just SHOT them.ISP: Where's the fun in that?
Shard: You're paying for a new uniform.
Nephtis: You do know he'll buy it in pink.
Shard: I'll live.
---In the Ruins proper now, in what may have once been the old engine room.---
Nephtis: Hey! It's my grandma!
Shard: *snicker* I might be able to activate the computer, but there's no power... Yo, ISP! You wanna handle this?
ISP:
:bounce: *BZZZZAAAAAAP!!*
DM: Reflex saves.
Nephtis: Made with ease.
ISP: Yo! I pass.
Shard: Bollocks. I botch.
DM: A purple tentacle whips out of the machine and wraps tightly around Shard's waist, dragging her towards the computer.
Shard:
Nephtis and ISP (OOC):
DM:
Shard (OOC): You suck! You've been watching those tentacle animes again, haven't you?
Shard escaped, dignity intact, and proceeded to absolutely pwn everything else in her path for the rest of the game. She killed Dark Falz.
Now the thing that makes this just absolutely priceless is that Johnny isn't just some moron. He's a damn smart guy. I mean really smart. So smart that I can't tell you what he does for a living because I could get in trouble.
*waves hands* OOOOOOWEEEEEOOOOOOOOHHHHH!
Anyway, you think that is funny? One of the players I play with all the time says crazy stuff all the time, tends to not know what is going on, and overall tends to say stuff that would register as "stupid" is also brilliant. He is in advanced calculus while still in high school.
and a wizzard.Needless to say the poor rogue had dropped to unconciouness in that campaign more than 5 times...so out of desperation he said if I drop again unconcious please let me die for god's sake!
So they are exploring a cursed house when they enter a dark inhouse garden. First goes the rogue followed by the cleric, the warrior and wizzard were exploring another room. Suddenly, the room comes alive as some big serpents start to move and attack the characters.
Cleric: Ok I cast prayer
Rogue: I try to hit the nearest snake to me
DM (me): Ok the mobs have the initiative so they play first. Your snake cleric tries to hit you but you avoid it by puting your huge shield in front of it. The snake you have in front of you rogue manages to constrict you.
Rogue: Ohhh, not again.
Cleric: Ok I will try to defend myself with my morningstar and kill the snake before it constricts me.
Rogue: I have a small weapon so I can actually hit the snake right?
DM: Yes you can try to.
"Then suddenly, the AMAZING ranger enters the room!"
Ranger: Ok what do I see?
DM: You see the cleric fighting with 2 snakes now and grasping one from the neck (body) trying to hit it with his morning star. The rogue is constricted by another one. What do you do?
Ranger: I will try to shoot the snakes that are near the cleric!
Cleric: !!!! errr....
Ranger:
DM: You miss the snake. Cleric you hear the sound of an arrow snaping on the wall near you.
Cleric: !!!!
Ranger: Ok I fire another arrow on the cleric's snakes.
Cleric: What are you doing!!?
Ranger:
DM: Ok you try to hit the snake but your shot is so bad that you hit the cleric instead, roll attack to see if you pass the cleric's AC.
Ranger:
DM: Cleric you hear the sound of an arrow hitting the back plate of your armor when it snaps and you feel the impact of the blow. However, your armor prevented the hit.
Cleric: STOP HELPING ME!!!!
DM: Ok new round what do you do now?
Cleric: I do the same as before praying the ranger will LEAVE ME ALONE!
Rogue: I do the same trying to get rid of my snake.
Ranger: I wield my bow as a club and try to smash the snake that has constricted the rogue!
Rogue: ........
DM: You do understand that trying to use a bludgeonic weapon in the particular situation might be a bad idea cause you could hit your friend too if you miss miserably. Why not instead drop your bow...pull your short sword and hit the snake. It would be much better.
Ranger: No I want to use the bow.
DM: Ok your choise.
Ranger:
DM: Rogue you see a big wooden stick comming towards your head.
Rogue: Man....if you drop me unconcious I promise you I will beat you in real life.....
Ranger: Shut up...
DM: Rogue you see the big club smashing your head while your vision starts to black out as you loose conciousness.
Rogue player:
I have to admit this story puts a smile on my face whenever I remember it;)
Dante (half elf swashbuckler): Could I please kill Grell?
DM: You do realise that Grell (the half-orc Sorcerer) could easily create a fire ball in your heart and make it explode there don't you?
Me: Ouch, heart burn.
Now, the main attraction! Another from a couple years back but at this point in time, I was a spectator.
Liz: Elf Rogue. Only girl there
Jesus: Actually, Jesus wasn't his name but it was a wierd one. Human Monk.
Yoshi: Dragonwrought Green Dragon Kobold Fighter. Yes, the name was actually Yoshi.
SSF (Story So far): The 3 find themselves cornered in the dungeon as 3 Ogres advance towards them, the gap being 30 feet away from eachother.
DM: Alright, since Liz rolled highest, she goes first. What do you do?
Liz: I dart out and try to attack the Ogre with my Thinblade *rolls a 19* W00T! Crit!
DM: You havn't confirmed it
Liz: *rolls a 20* confirmed enough? *rolls a 16* Ha ha! Max Damage!
DM: Ok, fine, ne-
Liz: Wait! My sneak attack, it's flat footed right?
DM: Oh right, yeah, go ahead.
Liz: *rolls a 16* Oh yeah! Double damage!
DM: Ok, fine, you smile in triumph as you wretch your rapier from the Ogre's testes, done yet?
Liz: I guess so.....
DM: Moving on. Yoshi, you're up.
Yoshi: Wow, strong Ogre.
DM: Alright, alright! It drops to the ground, clutching it's destroyed seeds and screaming in pain. Now it's your turn Yoshi!
Yoshi: Right! I charge in with a scream as I try and attack with my greatsword against the downed Ogre*rolls a 16*
DM: Hits
Yoshi: Alright *rolls 2D6*
DM: Wait, it's a medium weapon?
Yoshi: Yeah, that's why I only have a +5 to my attack roll
DM: How? You can't weild larger 2 handed weapons
Yoshi: Monkey Grip *says with a big grin*
Jesus: Funny, thought your character was a Kobold.
Yoshi: Har har, anyway. Got a 10
DM: Ok, your turn Monk.
Jesus: I walk up to the last 2 Ogres and announce "If you do not retreat now, you will end up like your friend. I point at the casterated ogre who seems to be bleeding badly. *rolls a natural 20 for his intimidate check*
DM: One of the ogres scratches his head while the other brings his greatclub down upon you dealing you *rolls* and deals you 20 damage.
Jesus: Wha? Wait, how did that happen?!
DM: You're on -3 hp arn't you now?
Jesus: Yes but how did they over come the natural 20?!
DM: The ogre scratching his head grunts in broken common "me no speaka common!"
Makes sense doesn't it?
Dante (half elf swashbuckler): Could I please kill Grell?
Grell (the half-orc Sorcerer)
Anyone who plays a half-orc sorcerer deserves to die.
This happened last year. We were playing a zero level party, meaning that during our first battle our classes would manifest themselves according to how we played. You know, sneaking, charging, manifesting rudimentary magic powers etc.
So we're surrounded by a gang of bandits who ask for our money and gear, to which we of course replied we had none. The gang leader looked at our half-orc paladin (who had a 2h sword sheathed on his back), pointed towards it and said "There's a very nice sword on your back". The paladin unsheathed it provocatively and all hell broke loose. In which hell, it was easy for me to sneak behind the leader, stick my rapier into his spine, pull him close and whisper in his dying ear "There's a very nice sword on your back".
I was truly the epitome of cool and no mistake.
Anyone who plays a half-orc sorcerer deserves to die.
Actually, yes, 2morrow the half orc's last session begins. The player would be introducing his Elf Duskblade so it'll be the pointy eared party with a dwarf. The new party line up is:
Elf Ranger (me)
Half Elf Swashbuckler
Elf Druid
Elf Duskblade
Dwarf Fighter
And if DnD has the same sort of relations between elf and dwarves then...well....LOL!
Anyone who plays a half-orc sorcerer deserves to die.
Unless he's an EFFECTIVE half orc sorcerer. Then he may live.
Also, I know a Half Orc Bard named Beatbox, who is not only a fun character to have at the table (Living Greyhawk character) but he's also pretty damn effective.
Now a Mongrelfolk sorcerer, that's just stupid. A mongrelfolk wizard? Not so much.
Actually, yes, 2morrow the half orc's last session begins. The player would be introducing his Elf Duskblade so it'll be the pointy eared party with a dwarf. The new party line up is:
Elf Ranger (me)
Half Elf Swashbuckler
Elf Druid
Elf Duskblade
Dwarf Fighter
And if DnD has the same sort of relations between elf and dwarves then...well....LOL!
I've been there. It ain't pretty.
Unless he's an EFFECTIVE half orc sorcerer. Then he may live.
I don't see that being really likely.
I don't see that being really likely.
It takes a good player to manage it. The half orc sorcerer I'm talking about has 16 CHA and the player has been playing for years and years.
But this is more of a "have fun and hope he doesn't get slaughtered" character. His original tactic was True Strike and Longspear from behind cover. (16 STR) His second tactic is Shocking Grasp and Spectral Hand.
And indeed she was, for the DM had mentioned bags of flour near the door. And we all know what happens when you use Fire on Flour, don't we?
That only works if the flour is a fine enough particulate floating in the air.
The original plan to kill the half-orc:
We knew we were going to be facing a dragon, so I came up with this:
We'd all be standing in a line in front of the dragon, and I would offer Grell my glove and go "Twenty golds if you challenge it to a duel."
Half orc walks up to the dragon, slaps him with the glove. "Dragon, I he-----
Dragon would promptly eat the half-orc.
DM: (describes the uglyness) "You also hear footsteps comeing from downstairs"
Me: "Ok, ill set an action to attack the first thing that comes out"
DM: "The footsteps get closer and closer and just like a scary movie the sound stops right at the opening and you cant see who or what it is."
Me: "My action is still set"
DM: "After a brief moment you see something. Its a little girl, so make a roll to abort your action difficulty 10"
Me: "... Im not aborting me action"
DM:
Party:
Me: *Rolls 20*
*Rolls 19*
*Kicks a 10 year old girl down a starcase killing her instantly*
Party paladin: "YOU MONSTER! SHE WAS A CHILD, UNARMED AND WOUNDED"
Me: "Sorry, I was in combat mode >.>"
I was a chaotic good barbarian and my excuse to keep my alignment was that she could have been an evil demon in desguise.
I was a chaotic good barbarian and my excuse to keep my alignment was that she could have been an evil demon in desguise.
In the games I play, she would have been.
In the games I play, she would have been.
Seconded. Tunllaw made the only sane choice.
--Delkin, the party's gnomish Blue Mage during an anti-orc planning session
lvl 10 Elf Druid /w Hawk
lvl 10 Elf Ranger /w Elven Hound (ME!)
VS
lvl 10 Half-orc Sorcerer
lvl 11 Half-orc Cleric.
Me and the Druid was flanking our half-orc friend gone bad (the half orc sorcerer) and the Half-orc was on 2 hp. It was his turn and he decides to levitate. My attack of oppertunity and I roll a 2. Not enough to hit him evidently. The Druid rolls an insanely low numer too (I think it was 3 or 5) so miss and the Half Orc is at the roof. Now he's going "Hell, I might survive this!" and I just go "....I drop my fullblade, pull out my longbow and shoot at you" *rolls a 20*. Don't you just love it when you get what you need after you get what sucks?
Oh and after the Half Orc dies (though he gets revived since we were in some special tourney), we...well, I meet the Human Rogue Lesbian NPC (HRLNPC). She asks me where the "cute half orc" was and I just say "I thought you were lesbian". She calls me cute, then my hound and so I just say "You call everything cute don't you?". I becon a random guy over and he's the Half Orc player's new character (elf Duskblade) and ask the HRLNPC, Avangaline or something, if he was cute. She says yes. Little bit more dialogue with a couple of words like "crazy" and "weird" thrown in and yada da da da da.
Later on, the Duskblade decides to take up a baby sitting job and we decide to make this misadventure a real test of skill after he decided to cast halt on her. I walk up to the door with my Manual of Gainful Excersise +1 in my left hand and a sack with holes in it on my head. The 4 year old girl who was getting baby sitted opens the door. *Insert scream here* and slams the door. It was unlocked so I go in and exchange some words with the Duskblade and the Duskblade tells me that he told the girl that I was here to kill them. I think my word was "....smooth". Now, enough of these big chunks of writing.
DM: The girl looks up to you (me) and asks you what do you do?
Me: I.....*thinks: should I tell the truth....* KILL PEOPLE!
Sees the DM suck in a bit of air.
Duskblade guy: I quickly cover the girl's mouth before she could scream and run up the stairs with her, jumping out the window. *Rolls a 16 on his jump check* and we go run and hide
Me: I sigh and walk up the stairs and jump out the window too *rolls a 20* and look around *roll a natural 1 (total is 19, not enough)* and a listen check *a 2 (same result)*....ok that sucks. I know the general direction right?
DM: Yes
Duskblade: Ok, where can we hide?
DM: We can hide in my cubby house. She goes to the cubby house pulling on your hand and opens a trap door, walking in.
Duskblade:.....
DM: What? I like knowing what's going on.
Duskblade: Walks in and closes the door behind him. He senses that the area has a silence spell cast on it.
Me: I walk over to the general direction and with my elven senses, I sense a door *rolls a 1*.....Oh har har *sarcasm*, I hate you guys.
Bit of searching around and evasion going on, Pink Panther Style.
Duskblade and Girl: Walks back into the house, locking all the doors and windows.
Me: *rolls a 15 (32) for a listen check* back in the house?....oh FFS! I walk to the back door and try to open it
DM: It's locked
Me: I try to pick the lock.
DM: It's an extraordinary lock. It's got a DC of 30.
Me: *look at my pick lock modifer and see it's a 5* god damnit. Ok, I climb up the wall to the window.
Duskblade: I stand a couple of paces away from the window.
Me: *roll a 20 (37) for my climb check* I try to open the window.
DM: it's locked
Me: I climb up a little bit more so my hands are grasping the top of the window and swing at it with my feet.
DM: Strength check against a DC of 15.
Me: HA! I have a +5 strength modifier! *rolls a 9*....i hate you all.
DM: Looks like you bounce off.
Duskblade: I go to another window which is bearly a slit big enough to let me see through and open it.
Me: I shout up to the Duskblade "LET ME IN!"
Duskblade: I shout back "Get in through the window."
Me: I shout again "I tried! Didn't you see me bounce off?!
Duskblade: Erm....try harder?
Me: OOC: That's what she said IC: I hate you.
Cuddles- LG (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Sanctified Barbed Devil
Kano- LN Elven Fighter, mute
We're back!
Discussing their new positions with the King:
King (Me): As Lady of the Tower Mercantile, you resolve merchant disputes, and guard the community against extortion, counterfeit, theft and other threat to the realm's economic well-being.
Glin: Sounds like I've got plenty of chances for embezzlement...
King:
Glin: JOKING!!!
Choosing a captain for their ship:
Cuddles OOC: It's like a third-grade math problem!
Kano OOC: I vote for Captain Kraken-Snack!
DM: A long serpentine neck rises out of the briny waters and rears over the ship, attatched to... (describes an elasmosaurus)
Kano OOC: Nessie!
Glin: Yes, we shall call you Nessie, then kill you and eat you!
DM: Make a reflex save vs. regurgitated fish guts...
Cuddles OOC: I like this monster!
Cuddles: I am the ultimate cook! I can use my axe to slay monsters, my claws to gut them, pyrotechnics to cook them and then Major Image and Suggestion to make people think it actually looks and tastes good!
Glin: We need to skin and bone the Elasmosaurus...
Party:
Arriving at the island that's their new Fief and home base:
Cuddles: Hello, good people! We'll be taking your taxes from now on! :D
DM: Roll Diplomacy
Cuddles: 2
.....
Cuddles: I think they like us!
Me (Litereally playing myself): Monk/Wizard
Danny: Barbarian/Frenzied Bezerker
Zach: Cleric/Wizard
Frank (Robot NPC): Ranger/Fighter
We were all trying to get to the Boss on the top floor of a 3 floor building. Reaching the second floor, we find the offices that were once here have been changed to make the entire floor into a gaint maze.
With no one taking point to lead, i'm left in charge to lead. We manage to stumble accross a lever, which we figure out is one of many that will open some sort of door to an access to the next floor. After we pull that lever, we continue to wander around and around.
After about 20 min. of "Left...right...straight...left...left...left..." the barbarian asks if i know where i'm going, to which i reply simply "nope". I basically explain that i'm going to see who loses it first, the mouse running the maze or the one watching the mouse.
Eventually the mouse starts going crazy after another 10 minutes of wandering! The barbarian suggests i try making a map..."Perfect, we'll start the map from the center of the maze, that'll help". So i start the map, and of course, even though i know i'm not going in circles perse, my map has lapped around 3 times, so i know it's rubbish.
I yell, "The map's useless!" and toss my notbook to the side.
The cleric sarcastically asks aloud "Wonder where the minotaur is", to which i reply, "Well he's lost in here with us!"
The DM, being a wise guy smugly looks in the monster manuel and says "Nope, they are not only immune to the Maze spell but they naturally can never get lost!" and laughs
LIGHTBULB!
I then give an evil grin as i say thanks, and cast shapechange into a minotaur. Less than 5min i lead us to all the levers as well as the door that had opened up when all were activated.
Needless to say, the DM was a little taken aback by this turn of events, but i smiled as i told him, "Hey, you're the one that had to look it up in the manuel, not me!"
Sorceress (employer): "And what are your talents?
Barin (gnome bard): "I am a weaver of magic in music, an enchanter in harmony, a-"
Sorceress: "We have one of those. What else can you do?"
Barin: "Erm, I can talk to small, burrowing animals."
Sorceress: "I'm sure that talent is very handy 3% of the time. Anything else?"
Barin: "Erm... Well, listen to this!"
I rolled a Perform Check, and got a 2. Here's the song I sang, in real life, with my most horrible voice:
"Beer, beer, the wonderful drink,
To enjoy it you don't even have to think!
Just chug it down, and the merest clown,
Becomes a grand, noble old fellow!
The bestest drink is golden yellow!"
And the sorceress and my other sister got up from the table, and walked right out on me. I followed them, begging, and at last they let me tag along if I only played my fiddle, and didn't sing.
PC. I'm going to throw one of my throwing hammers at him
DM. Ok, you throw it and he catches it, then bends it and throws it to the ground.
PC. HE BENT WOOD!!!?
DM. Yes he is that awesome. In fact he turned it to metal Bent it and then when it hit the ground it turned to dust he then farted and it was blown away, you all stand there shocked at what just happened and your heads explode with amusement. Everyone lives happily ever after.
We never did.
Dm. Ok you dont find anything in the chest.
Player. Im going to carry the Chest with us in case we need it...
Me .... *looks at player* Are you freaking stupid!? what are you going to do with that you moron.
This continues as we walk threw the dungeon until we hear something up ahead.
Player "im going to throw the chest." Makes a roll. I got a 3.... plus my strength.... a 5
Me ... I pick up the chest and throw it cause im better than he is at throwing" Makes roll 19 on the die which makes for a 23 i got an 18 for strength ...
Dm you throw the chest further... do you feel better now...?
Me yes im better than he is.
Rogue: I don't see why we should help you. You have given us no reason to trust you.
Barbarian: I should mention that my brother has... gold for the rogue, spells for the wizard, and holy items for the cleric.
Rogue: *sighs*
Me: When you face your brother, you shall be protected by my spells.
Rogue: I can't believe this.
Me: I'm already inclined to help him. The city is in danger!
Rogue: I don't care. I'm about me.
Barbarian: I believe he also has a ring of invisibility
Rogue: What are we waiting for?
Later, inside a cave
DM: Roll spot checks *everyone rolls* Rogue, you see something on the ceiling
Rogue: Guys, there's something on the ceiling. It probably isn't friendly.
Me: I agree. I think this is a case of 'shoot first, ask questions later'.
Girl Observing Our Game: They haven't invented guns yet.
Me: We have bows!
After the rogue shot the thing to the ground, it turned out to be a choker. With friends.
This was probably the single best session of D&D I have ever played. It is also the first session where one character is naked at one point - the rogue went bathing in a river, and was attacked by a skum. We will never let her forget it.
"I don't do subtle."-To suspected Necromancer who hired them, about a drow-infested dungeon. Drow are subtle. Argul hates subtle, Argul hates drow-as you will see in the next quote.
OOC: "If I have a pathological hatred of a race, can I slaughter them and bathe in their unnatural blood without compromising my alignment?"
DM: "No."
Me: "DAMMIT!"
Argul reeeally hates Drow-for another thing, they took an ear of his. Now, every time he kills a drow, he cuts off their right ear and writes in their blood 'An Ear For An Ear." And yet he's still chaotic good...
DM: Oi, don't tempt the 400 year old ghoul
DN (OOC): So what CR is he?
DM: Higher than you
DN: So epic level
DM: No
DN: 18 then
DM: Higher than you, and stop guessing!
DN: 13?
DM: You are 13!
DN: Bluff!
DM: Nice try against Sense Motive +14.
DN: He's been on his own for however many centuries, this shouldn't happen. He should be senile!
DM: He's undead!
DM: Leg it?
DN: First, I'm going to take a standard action to cast Undeath to Death.
DM: Okay
DN: Then I'm going to leg it!
They were both 1st level, and both CG.
They made a guard mad, and were put into jail. I do not know why they didn't resist, but I didn't pay much attention, they are both very absent minded.
Ryan:OOC:What does the cell look like?
Me: Its 10 by 10, with the cell door, and a barred hole for a window on the opposite end of the room. Also, the guard outside has fallen to sleep.
Troy: (In a whisper)Lets try to bend the bars so we can squeeze out.
Ryan: (In a whisper)Good idea.
Now, Troy was a barbarian. He proceeded to use rage.
Troy: I'll use my rage and try to bend the bar.
Ryan: I'll help him.
Me : Helping him gives you a plus 2 extra on your roll, Troy. That, your rage and your strength modifier comes out to be 8.
He rolls a 16, just enough to break off the bar.
Me: You have ripped the iron bar out of the window.
Troy: I try and kill the guard outside our cell by throwing it.
Me:
Umm, ok improvised weapon, give you -4 on the roll, and th bars you're throwing through, another -4. Adding your Base attack bonus, and dex modifier, that gives you a net total of -4.Troy: Natural 20!
Me: (To myself)
He's such an idiot..Me: You crit. Roll 1d4 twice. Then add your strength modifier.
Troy: 8 altogether.
Me: Troy throws the bar with deadly accuracy, it going through the guards neck.
Both of them together: Now we go out the window.
I thought this was funny because they were so young, and this was their first Dungeons and Dragons experience. Along with that, there was no apparent reason to kill the guard that was outside the cell. Believe me, by the end of the day, we made some changes to their character sheets that was under the heading "Alignment".
The other day I was worried about turning the light off in the room where my dogs were. After debating whether they would like it better with it on or off, I shrugged my shoulders and said,
"What the heck. They have low-light vision." and turned the light off.
Linithia: Human ranger 5/ beast heart adept 4 (female)
Kalanish: elf cleric of Correllon 7/wizard 3 (male)
Kinealin: half-fiend/human Monk 10 (male)
(i wasn't DMing this time)This happened a couple sessions ago after the party rescued a drow priestess from a slaver on the surface. the girl in our party was the one that let the drow out of her cell, so was the first one she had contact with. I (Rayole) and Kinealin were standing at the door facing an onslaught of guards to keep them from entering after we killed the slaver and stole his keys, while we were being buffed by Kalanish.
DM: she looks kind of shrivelled up in the corner, waiting with her eyes close
Linithia: i unlock the door
DM: she looks up when she hears the click of the lock, then says, "So are you here to torture me again?"
Linithia: "We have come to take you back to the underdark"
DM: she rushes up and kisses you
party:
Kinealin: Do it again!:D
Rayole and Kalanish: *SMACK!*
Kinealin: What?
This thead. It is so long. So very long...
Yes. Yes it is.
"Strong like bull, smell like cow," and he touched the barbarian gingerly while holding his nose for the somatic component. Luckily, he said the incantation in Draconic, or he would have really regretted casting that particular spell!
The DM introduced a 2.0 Dwarf that is a pure 2.0 in a 3.5 game needless to say it was fun to se him use skills that arn't in 3.5 lol.
Yes. Yes it is.
As it should be.
Exploring the moathouse, we get come to a room, and the DM announces that the room looks fairly empty aside from the rubble strewn about a hole in the wall. Our gnome declares that he spider climbs to the ceiling and asks the DM, "Does anything look considerably different?"
The reply came "The room looks upside down."
Maybe you had to be there... Most of us were falling out of our chairs.
And now for my contribution...
I DM for my brother, who's concept of RPG was defined by things like Runescape and the like. Thus, he doesn't get too hung up on descriptions and he doesn't mind that I can never use the same voice for an NPC. Thus, the following was rather unexpected: He (a level 10 Wilder) and his cohort (an 8th level nomad), are in combat with a set of orcs, supported by an ogre mage.
The cohort was flying above the battle, attempting to throw his returning dagger and hit an orc. I, as both a player and a DM, have been cursed with the inability to role well, so the attack roles for the cohort fell in the 2-10 range.
After about the forth attempt, I decided to give a bit of "fluff" description to try to keep the situation from growing stale. So I said, "The dagger arcs downward, flipping end-over-end and finally embedding in the ground between the orc's feet."
My brother, without missing a beat, replied, "I look up at Frank and shout, 'If you were trying to neuter him, you need to aim a bit higher!'".
We both started cracking up. Sure enough, the next time the cohort attacked, he missed again. This time I described the dagger as going right over the orc's head.
"Too high! You want to give him a haircut?"
Playing a Gestalted campaign with my usual group, I'm playing a LG Fighter/ Ranger Human with the lofty goal of being a Dragonborn Vasal of Bahamut/ Dragon Foe Hunter. He's from a small po-dunk town, so naturally no one believes he will do anything noteworthy. He is also something of a dragon fantatic, seeing Shadow Dragons where others see dark clouds, painting symbols of Bahamut on the local barns to ward away evil dragons while he is gone, frightening little children in his attempt to convey exactly how dangerous dragons are.
After the first adventure, he decided to get himself a cod piece with the words "Suck it Tiamat" etched into it and a half cape the the holy symbol of Bahamut stitched into it along with the caption "Real Men Worship Bahamut".
A while later, after a witnessing the local pompous son of the mayor knock out the local bard whom he'd befriended with a thrown beer mug. He rode the punk down a 10 foot drop from the rafters, damn near killing him. Afterwards he got himself a broad brimmed hat with "I knocked out Augustus and all I got was this lousy hat" stitched onto it. Little did he know his next adventure was to come from Augustus's Father, the mayor, who didn't take kindly to the hat.
The last session I DM'd for with a particularly large group (8) before we finally asked some people not to come back as they weren't adding anything and had been asked multiple times to not be so disruptive was a pretty funny one. Anywho, they were charged with finding the entrance to the hidden underground gnome fortress in a dense forest that had a subterrianean tunnel under a river they needed to cross.
The Druid of the party was doing very well for his first time playing, until they came upon a collection of fruit bearing bushes. Knowing the party, I assumed correctly they'd be stripping all the remotely edible fruits they could find, so I decided to throw a few poisonous plants in. They asked to druid if they were safe to eat. I rolled the Knowledge Nature check... a natural one. I could hardly contain my excitement when I told him that he was 100% sure they were safe. The group, either noticing my inability to fully hide my glee, or just being paranoid, had the druid eat the fruit first, which he gladly did. He felt fine for a few seconds until he started choking and vomitting uncontrollably.
Necromancer- "Holy Crap! Someone administer the Heimlich!"
DM (me)- "Do you have ranks in Heal?"
Entire Party- "No."
DM- "Then you don't know the Heimlich. The Druid drops to his knees, struggling to breath."
Necromancer- "MONK! KICK HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN IN THE STOMACH!"
Monk kicks him in the stomach
DM- "Now he's coughing up blood."
Necromancer- "Is he still vomitting and unable to breath?"
DM- "Yeah."
Necromancer- "KICK HIM AGAIN! HARDER!"
Monk kicks him a few more times.
DM- "Alright, you've beat him into negative hit points, he is still vomitting and it appears he's choking on his tongue and vomit."
Necromancer- "...kick him again?"
Wizard: Casts Enlarge on Ranger
Ranger: Hits and Wounds Wyvern with both swords leaving it with 1 HP (Yes after "1" Attack it had one hit left)
Wyvern: Stings Ranger, does 1 HP
Ranger: Roll to save vs. Poison ***Critical Failure*** (Note to those who never played 2nd Ed. Poisons were much, much worse)
Paladin: Steps up stabs at wyvern and hits killing the wyvern.
Not even a full round of combat and we killed a wyvern and if it wasn't for a slow poison spell in the clerics repitoire would have lost the ranger as well. The really sad thing is my luck with Saves vs. Poison has become my luck as Fort saves...
My ranger, with his great Hide skill, peaked down the vertical cavern wall to look for guards. About 30 feet down, occasionally peering out from a ledge in the wall, was a single drow. I figured I would try to put him to sleep with some of his own poison. So, I coated an arrow, drew my bow, and waited.
The drow peeks out.
I roll a 20. *Confirmed crit*
"Whoops"
The drow played Plinko down the vertical spider web, finally splashing into the underground stream hundreds of feet below.
A small time later, we thought it would be prudent to capture a drow and question him. So, in the next fight, we would attempt to leave one alive, if not unconscious.
My ranger draws his bow and fires.
I roll a 20. *Confirmed crit*
"Whoops"
We didn't get much information.
Fellbane then looked the villain dead in the eye and said, "The fire."
I like Fellbane. I like him a lot.
You know you play D&D too much when you say the following.
The other day I was worried about turning the light off in the room where my dogs were. After debating whether they would like it better with it on or off, I shrugged my shoulders and said,
"What the heck. They have low-light vision." and turned the light off.
...is it sad that I used the exact same reasoning with my cats?
You know you play D&D too much when you say the following.
The other day I was worried about turning the light off in the room where my dogs were. After debating whether they would like it better with it on or off, I shrugged my shoulders and said,
"What the heck. They have low-light vision." and turned the light off.
lol I've done the same thing when I was getting food at taco bell just before the game I DM when he asked for about 6$ to pay for my food and I said "here's ten gold."
My friend and I got a good laugh out of it.
...is it sad that I used the exact same reasoning with my cats?
No sadder than me coming up with more exact mechanical rules for Asperger syndrome. I'm sure you remember it from your guide to playing insane characters. Great thing. Keep it in your sig.
Well, to be more precise, I statted up my perception of Asperger, keeping in mind that even undiagnosed, I'm sorta the Asperger poster child. Consider ruling in 1 less bonus language than your INT score would indicate. Skill focus (knowledge) or a +2 bonus to knowledge checks only about a very specific topic. Low wisdom too. After all, the charisma problems relate to not being able to read non-verbal clues: that sounds like a penalty on sense motive checks to me.
And whoever wins this competition still loses out. I cannot believe we're actually competing to see who's most pathetic.
- Monk: A dirty old bisexual dude. Keeps a goblinoid porn mag handy at all times.
- Swashbuckler: Has a charisma of 18 but acts like it is 8, and hits on every femael creature entity.
- Cleric: swashbuckler's brother. Dumb enough (int 6) to think that he is a barbarian, also a necrophile.
- Barbarian: Man hating, beer chugging, greataxe wielding, and extremely hot amazon type. (I wanted to name her barbie :D ) Also she is the common love interest of the brothers.
After many misadventures, bickering and infighting (all before leaving town for the first time) we managed to get to a humanoid infested buried city, we were supposed to contact a group of thieves and help them out with getting out of the cave complex.
first encounter, barbarian is hurt and rogue is down
Barb: *to cleric* Get her back on her feet and come heal me
cleric: Gimme a kiss and maybe I will decide that you are better of breathing
Barb: Come here or I'll bite your ******* heart out of your chest
Swash: *whisper to cleric* Look let's make a deal, I need her alive and you need her dead, after I'm done with her we will kill her and you will have her as much as you like after that. Now.. for this to happen we need to get along till this stupid job ends. Deal?
cleric:*whisper* deal!! *normal* Ok whatever here is your healing.... thats it feeling better??
There were much better ones like monk's various covert attempts to turn the party into his personal slaves but we never really recorded any of that stuff.
Now, back to the humor.
In an Eberron game I mentioned earlier, the three characters met together. They were Loressin d'Orien, a wizard/cleric of Aureon, Lyr, a changeling rogue, and an adamantine-plated fighter who didn't have a name.
When we met, introductions were exchanged.
Loressin: "I am Loressin d'Orien,"
Lyr: "That's a long name,"
Loressin: "Not that long, surely?"
Lyr: "Well, my name's Lyr. What's yours, warforged?"
Warforged: "I don't have a name..."
Lyr: "Well, what do you do?"
Warforged: "I was a soldier. Since the Last War ended, I have no employment."
Loressin: "You must be Nameless the Aimless!"
Warforged and Lyr: *glare*
Lyr: "I think Militia is a good name for you."
And Militia was accepted. That actually IS a good name for a feminine personality warforged. But I wanted to stick with Nameless the Aimless so much...
I like Fellbane. I like him a lot.
And that was waaay before The 300.
Regarding a low-wisdom character, who was remarkably well-played, a wizard was once heard to say, "He is the Patron Saint of the Inadvisable."
Later, after the low Wisdom score had led to yet more wacky hi-jinks, the wizard was getting particularly caustic about this other guy - I think he was a fighter - when one of the other characters said "Oh come on, it could have happened to anyone."
The wizards reply: "His whole life story is a long series of things that 'could have happened to anyone!'"
Someone once asked how high the 10' wall was.
Someone once asked what the iron door was made of.
Someone once asked how far down was the 500' drop.
I played a fighter/dragon disciple (with a cheaty level of beguiler for the skills) brawler build with Enlarge Person permanencied, but IG I was cursed to slowly turn into a dragon. I approached the party with a friend who was introducing us so I could join, and they were just questioning the captured remenant of a temple of Erythnul (God of Slaughter). Some of the people talked, but the high priest refused, even under the penalty of torture (makes sense). In order to prove my worth to the party, my character lifted the high priest up and strapped him to his altar. I then started asking questions, and when he didn't answer, I tickled him. A natural 20 later, and he was laughing hysterically (along with the players), begging to tell me everything.
Randolph, human psion 13, with a penchant for disintigration, and a the Disintigrate Finesse feat from Lords of Madness. And near max ranks in sculpture.
Jeremiah, human conjurer/master specialist 12, currently the party item crafter and general all around laid back guy. (Me).
....So, having just finished making my new ship, the Gilraen, we set out on the voyage from Sarlona to Khorvaire. Along the way, Randolph gets bored. Thats a very bad thing for a psion w/ lots of disintegrate, especially on my boat.
So, after some back and forth, he disintegrates my pants. No danger, no sweat, this is AFTER he shaped my beard up w/ the power. But, I let it slide for the sake that I just don't really care. I'm sailing away from Sarlona, with a load of new loot on my new boat, and I have Endure Elements prepped everyday.
Couple of days later, we get into some sharp maneuvering, when i realized something.
" I'm not wearing pants!".
Mixed bunch of laughs and groans, but it was grand!
-the hamster
Anyway, we were talking with a knight on the grounds of a tourney field, named Sir Eglamore, who had broken his sword in the last bout. Our fighter, Jason, was hoping to get in good terms with this knight and maybe become his squire, so he says,
"Oh, I'll lend you my sword. I left it at the inn, but I can get it."
Sir Eglamore: "Oh, I wouldn't want it to be any trouble,"
Jason: "No, I assure you, no trouble at all."
Sir Eglamore: "Are you sure?"
Jason: "Of course! Oy, Mungo!"
He sent me to go get his sword, and of course, being the nice guy I am, did. But, disliking his plans, and wishing him to remain with our adventuring group, I put cooking grease on the handle, and it slipped out of Sir Eglamore's hand in his next battle, and Jason decided not to go into his service.
Apparently, a bit of residue from the cooking grease was left over, because a little while later Jason came under the direct blast of a burning hands spell, and he smelled something.
"Is that bacon cooking?"
Mungo: "Could it be, sir, that your ham just caught fire?"
Wizard: Well why do we need to hire a helmsman? Don't you know how to fly a skyship?
Bard: Nope sorry, I've got followers to
2 sessions ago, Bard sells kobold rogue to Gnome artificer for scientific research.
Warblade: What happened to the Kobold?
Bard: I think they call it science.
The first takes place in a restaurant I can't recall the name of in Sharn
Fharion (Dainty well to do wanna be noble): "You're a sommelier in the making."
Flail (NPC Half-Ogre): "I'm kinda large, actually."
This one actually potentially needs backstory, but in short we've been to the Mournlands and have a lot of enemies.
Milo d'Orien (worlds fastest delivery boy, base speed of 80ft) "Every time we just want to do something to relax and have fun, people knock on our door and then we're dying."
Another from Milo, whom had recently been informed about mind seeds, inspired, and the dreaming dark.
Milo d'Orien "I'm a little flustered today, so which one would I pray to to not die in my sleep from nightmares invading?"
A nice one from our ever ready DM
DM - "He attacks you, because you charged at him. The skeleton's angry. Well, actually, he has no emotions."
An old NPC that took us to the Mournlands on his ship:
"You can kill a whole army of Kaarnathi zombies but it doesn't mean s*** when you get a woman pregnant."
-Captain Rolan d'Lyrandar
And lastly my personal favorite from our DM during a long long ago session:
"It's called a f***ing...a f***ing...ohhh, now I've forgotten the word so the joke isn't as witty. ...what's the name of the box people get buried in?"
DM: Can you you swim?
McDougal: Aye, I can......... LIKE A BOULDER!
Same group was supposed to gather information at a royal ball. Bjorn was the typical Viking style, long straggly hair, uncouth, etc. He shows up at the front door with a closely trimmed haircut, manicured goatee, pressed black suit and has himself announced to the ball as "Bjorn, Earl of Texas"
Two of our characters in a Star Wars game got into some disagreement that no one remembers the reason for anymore, but one of them pushed the other out of the airlock. This later came to be known as the "30 characters in 30 minutes" fight.
In a Werewolf: The Wild West game the Shadow Lord has been seen walking around wearing a Sheriff's badge. He comes down the stairs one morning, pulls open his waistcoat, looks at around 10 different badges pinned on the inside and pulls one out.
Shadow Lord: "I think I'll be a Marshall today."
Party:
:rolleye2: Same group at character introductions. The monk introduces himself.
Monk: Greetings fellow defenders of Gaia. I am Parts-The-Wind.
Trickster standing behind him: No, you're "Breaks-The-Wind"
One player decided that he would shoplift a magic item out from under the shopkeeper's nose. He failed miserably and then the shopkeeper yelled at him.
DM: You killed the shopkeeper. Now what are you going to do?
Player: I know. I'll make it look like a robbery!
Our group had to get into a guarded, gated mansion so two of us came up with the brilliant plan named "Plan Alpha Duck" involving someone dressing up like El Vago (the local Robin Hood variant) running up to the gates, stabbing a guard and running, then the shapechanger would turn into a duck, talk a flock of other ducks into flying into the compound as cover, shapechange back to open the gates and get us in.
At the end of the explanation of how Plan Alpha Duck would work the DM looked at us and said,
"You're winging it privileges are revoked."
A running gag in most of our games...
Plan A: Sneak in and Bonk them.
When someone ruins Plan A we revert to
Plan B: Rush in and Bonk them.
The Eberron group I've been a part of (on and off) for the past 2 years (which our 2 year anniversary session is approaching in about 3 weeks) has always had some golden conversations. We have been keeping a log of as many as we happen to remember/write down over the span of our game. Here are some of my personal favorites:
A Message From the DM:
I like to think the first example, where sommelier (pronounced so-mall-ee-yay) is misunderstood for large, is how things go. But I'm probably wrong, and most of it is probably of the quality of "skeleton emotions" and pregnancy jokes. But in my defence, that last example was not only long long ago, but also a session that went long long into the night. I was forgetting a lot of words that night. Like "the", and so forth.
In the games I play, she would have been.
Seconded. Tunllaw made the only sane choice.
--Delkin, the party's gnomish Blue Mage during an anti-orc planning session
lvl 10 Elf Druid /w Hawk
lvl 10 Elf Ranger /w Elven Hound (ME!)
VS
lvl 10 Half-orc Sorcerer
lvl 11 Half-orc Cleric.
Me and the Druid was flanking our half-orc friend gone bad (the half orc sorcerer) and the Half-orc was on 2 hp. It was his turn and he decides to levitate. My attack of oppertunity and I roll a 2. Not enough to hit him evidently. The Druid rolls an insanely low numer too (I think it was 3 or 5) so miss and the Half Orc is at the roof. Now he's going "Hell, I might survive this!" and I just go "....I drop my fullblade, pull out my longbow and shoot at you" *rolls a 20*. Don't you just love it when you get what you need after you get what sucks?
Oh and after the Half Orc dies (though he gets revived since we were in some special tourney), we...well, I meet the Human Rogue Lesbian NPC (HRLNPC). She asks me where the "cute half orc" was and I just say "I thought you were lesbian". She calls me cute, then my hound and so I just say "You call everything cute don't you?". I becon a random guy over and he's the Half Orc player's new character (elf Duskblade) and ask the HRLNPC, Avangaline or something, if he was cute. She says yes. Little bit more dialogue with a couple of words like "crazy" and "weird" thrown in and yada da da da da.
Later on, the Duskblade decides to take up a baby sitting job and we decide to make this misadventure a real test of skill after he decided to cast halt on her. I walk up to the door with my Manual of Gainful Excersise +1 in my left hand and a sack with holes in it on my head. The 4 year old girl who was getting baby sitted opens the door. *Insert scream here* and slams the door. It was unlocked so I go in and exchange some words with the Duskblade and the Duskblade tells me that he told the girl that I was here to kill them. I think my word was "....smooth". Now, enough of these big chunks of writing.
DM: The girl looks up to you (me) and asks you what do you do?
Me: I.....*thinks: should I tell the truth....* KILL PEOPLE!
Sees the DM suck in a bit of air.
Duskblade guy: I quickly cover the girl's mouth before she could scream and run up the stairs with her, jumping out the window. *Rolls a 16 on his jump check* and we go run and hide
Me: I sigh and walk up the stairs and jump out the window too *rolls a 20* and look around *roll a natural 1 (total is 19, not enough)* and a listen check *a 2 (same result)*....ok that sucks. I know the general direction right?
DM: Yes
Duskblade: Ok, where can we hide?
DM: We can hide in my cubby house. She goes to the cubby house pulling on your hand and opens a trap door, walking in.
Duskblade:.....
DM: What? I like knowing what's going on.
Duskblade: Walks in and closes the door behind him. He senses that the area has a silence spell cast on it.
Me: I walk over to the general direction and with my elven senses, I sense a door *rolls a 1*.....Oh har har *sarcasm*, I hate you guys.
Bit of searching around and evasion going on, Pink Panther Style.
Duskblade and Girl: Walks back into the house, locking all the doors and windows.
Me: *rolls a 15 (32) for a listen check* back in the house?....oh FFS! I walk to the back door and try to open it
DM: It's locked
Me: I try to pick the lock.
DM: It's an extraordinary lock. It's got a DC of 30.
Me: *look at my pick lock modifer and see it's a 5* god damnit. Ok, I climb up the wall to the window.
Duskblade: I stand a couple of paces away from the window.
Me: *roll a 20 (37) for my climb check* I try to open the window.
DM: it's locked
Me: I climb up a little bit more so my hands are grasping the top of the window and swing at it with my feet.
DM: Strength check against a DC of 15.
Me: HA! I have a +5 strength modifier! *rolls a 9*....i hate you all.
DM: Looks like you bounce off.
Duskblade: I go to another window which is bearly a slit big enough to let me see through and open it.
Me: I shout up to the Duskblade "LET ME IN!"
Duskblade: I shout back "Get in through the window."
Me: I shout again "I tried! Didn't you see me bounce off?!
Duskblade: Erm....try harder?
Me: OOC: That's what she said IC: I hate you.
Cuddles- LG (more like Lawful Stupid, tho...) Sanctified Barbed Devil
Kano- LN Elven Fighter, mute
We're back!
Discussing their new positions with the King:
King (Me): As Lady of the Tower Mercantile, you resolve merchant disputes, and guard the community against extortion, counterfeit, theft and other threat to the realm's economic well-being.
Glin: Sounds like I've got plenty of chances for embezzlement...
King:
Glin: JOKING!!!
Choosing a captain for their ship:
Cuddles OOC: It's like a third-grade math problem!
Kano OOC: I vote for Captain Kraken-Snack!
DM: A long serpentine neck rises out of the briny waters and rears over the ship, attatched to... (describes an elasmosaurus)
Kano OOC: Nessie!
Glin: Yes, we shall call you Nessie, then kill you and eat you!
DM: Make a reflex save vs. regurgitated fish guts...
Cuddles OOC: I like this monster!
Cuddles: I am the ultimate cook! I can use my axe to slay monsters, my claws to gut them, pyrotechnics to cook them and then Major Image and Suggestion to make people think it actually looks and tastes good!
Glin: We need to skin and bone the Elasmosaurus...
Party:
Arriving at the island that's their new Fief and home base:
Cuddles: Hello, good people! We'll be taking your taxes from now on! :D
DM: Roll Diplomacy
Cuddles: 2
.....
Cuddles: I think they like us!
Me (Litereally playing myself): Monk/Wizard
Danny: Barbarian/Frenzied Bezerker
Zach: Cleric/Wizard
Frank (Robot NPC): Ranger/Fighter
We were all trying to get to the Boss on the top floor of a 3 floor building. Reaching the second floor, we find the offices that were once here have been changed to make the entire floor into a gaint maze.
With no one taking point to lead, i'm left in charge to lead. We manage to stumble accross a lever, which we figure out is one of many that will open some sort of door to an access to the next floor. After we pull that lever, we continue to wander around and around.
After about 20 min. of "Left...right...straight...left...left...left..." the barbarian asks if i know where i'm going, to which i reply simply "nope". I basically explain that i'm going to see who loses it first, the mouse running the maze or the one watching the mouse.
Eventually the mouse starts going crazy after another 10 minutes of wandering! The barbarian suggests i try making a map..."Perfect, we'll start the map from the center of the maze, that'll help". So i start the map, and of course, even though i know i'm not going in circles perse, my map has lapped around 3 times, so i know it's rubbish.
I yell, "The map's useless!" and toss my notbook to the side.
The cleric sarcastically asks aloud "Wonder where the minotaur is", to which i reply, "Well he's lost in here with us!"
The DM, being a wise guy smugly looks in the monster manuel and says "Nope, they are not only immune to the Maze spell but they naturally can never get lost!" and laughs
LIGHTBULB!
I then give an evil grin as i say thanks, and cast shapechange into a minotaur. Less than 5min i lead us to all the levers as well as the door that had opened up when all were activated.
Needless to say, the DM was a little taken aback by this turn of events, but i smiled as i told him, "Hey, you're the one that had to look it up in the manuel, not me!"
Sorceress (employer): "And what are your talents?
Barin (gnome bard): "I am a weaver of magic in music, an enchanter in harmony, a-"
Sorceress: "We have one of those. What else can you do?"
Barin: "Erm, I can talk to small, burrowing animals."
Sorceress: "I'm sure that talent is very handy 3% of the time. Anything else?"
Barin: "Erm... Well, listen to this!"
I rolled a Perform Check, and got a 2. Here's the song I sang, in real life, with my most horrible voice:
"Beer, beer, the wonderful drink,
To enjoy it you don't even have to think!
Just chug it down, and the merest clown,
Becomes a grand, noble old fellow!
The bestest drink is golden yellow!"
And the sorceress and my other sister got up from the table, and walked right out on me. I followed them, begging, and at last they let me tag along if I only played my fiddle, and didn't sing.
PC. I'm going to throw one of my throwing hammers at him
DM. Ok, you throw it and he catches it, then bends it and throws it to the ground.
PC. HE BENT WOOD!!!?
DM. Yes he is that awesome. In fact he turned it to metal Bent it and then when it hit the ground it turned to dust he then farted and it was blown away, you all stand there shocked at what just happened and your heads explode with amusement. Everyone lives happily ever after.
We never did.
Dm. Ok you dont find anything in the chest.
Player. Im going to carry the Chest with us in case we need it...
Me .... *looks at player* Are you freaking stupid!? what are you going to do with that you moron.
This continues as we walk threw the dungeon until we hear something up ahead.
Player "im going to throw the chest." Makes a roll. I got a 3.... plus my strength.... a 5
Me ... I pick up the chest and throw it cause im better than he is at throwing" Makes roll 19 on the die which makes for a 23 i got an 18 for strength ...
Dm you throw the chest further... do you feel better now...?
Me yes im better than he is.
Rogue: I don't see why we should help you. You have given us no reason to trust you.
Barbarian: I should mention that my brother has... gold for the rogue, spells for the wizard, and holy items for the cleric.
Rogue: *sighs*
Me: When you face your brother, you shall be protected by my spells.
Rogue: I can't believe this.
Me: I'm already inclined to help him. The city is in danger!
Rogue: I don't care. I'm about me.
Barbarian: I believe he also has a ring of invisibility
Rogue: What are we waiting for?
Later, inside a cave
DM: Roll spot checks *everyone rolls* Rogue, you see something on the ceiling
Rogue: Guys, there's something on the ceiling. It probably isn't friendly.
Me: I agree. I think this is a case of 'shoot first, ask questions later'.
Girl Observing Our Game: They haven't invented guns yet.
Me: We have bows!
After the rogue shot the thing to the ground, it turned out to be a choker. With friends.
This was probably the single best session of D&D I have ever played. It is also the first session where one character is naked at one point - the rogue went bathing in a river, and was attacked by a skum. We will never let her forget it.
"I don't do subtle."-To suspected Necromancer who hired them, about a drow-infested dungeon. Drow are subtle. Argul hates subtle, Argul hates drow-as you will see in the next quote.
OOC: "If I have a pathological hatred of a race, can I slaughter them and bathe in their unnatural blood without compromising my alignment?"
DM: "No."
Me: "DAMMIT!"
Argul reeeally hates Drow-for another thing, they took an ear of his. Now, every time he kills a drow, he cuts off their right ear and writes in their blood 'An Ear For An Ear." And yet he's still chaotic good...
DM: Oi, don't tempt the 400 year old ghoul
DN (OOC): So what CR is he?
DM: Higher than you
DN: So epic level
DM: No
DN: 18 then
DM: Higher than you, and stop guessing!
DN: 13?
DM: You are 13!
DN: Bluff!
DM: Nice try against Sense Motive +14.
DN: He's been on his own for however many centuries, this shouldn't happen. He should be senile!
DM: He's undead!
DM: Leg it?
DN: First, I'm going to take a standard action to cast Undeath to Death.
DM: Okay
DN: Then I'm going to leg it!
They were both 1st level, and both CG.
They made a guard mad, and were put into jail. I do not know why they didn't resist, but I didn't pay much attention, they are both very absent minded.
Ryan:OOC:What does the cell look like?
Me: Its 10 by 10, with the cell door, and a barred hole for a window on the opposite end of the room. Also, the guard outside has fallen to sleep.
Troy: (In a whisper)Lets try to bend the bars so we can squeeze out.
Ryan: (In a whisper)Good idea.
Now, Troy was a barbarian. He proceeded to use rage.
Troy: I'll use my rage and try to bend the bar.
Ryan: I'll help him.
Me : Helping him gives you a plus 2 extra on your roll, Troy. That, your rage and your strength modifier comes out to be 8.
He rolls a 16, just enough to break off the bar.
Me: You have ripped the iron bar out of the window.
Troy: I try and kill the guard outside our cell by throwing it.
Me:
Umm, ok improvised weapon, give you -4 on the roll, and th bars you're throwing through, another -4. Adding your Base attack bonus, and dex modifier, that gives you a net total of -4.Troy: Natural 20!
Me: (To myself)
He's such an idiot..Me: You crit. Roll 1d4 twice. Then add your strength modifier.
Troy: 8 altogether.
Me: Troy throws the bar with deadly accuracy, it going through the guards neck.
Both of them together: Now we go out the window.
I thought this was funny because they were so young, and this was their first Dungeons and Dragons experience. Along with that, there was no apparent reason to kill the guard that was outside the cell. Believe me, by the end of the day, we made some changes to their character sheets that was under the heading "Alignment".
The other day I was worried about turning the light off in the room where my dogs were. After debating whether they would like it better with it on or off, I shrugged my shoulders and said,
"What the heck. They have low-light vision." and turned the light off.
Linithia: Human ranger 5/ beast heart adept 4 (female)
Kalanish: elf cleric of Correllon 7/wizard 3 (male)
Kinealin: half-fiend/human Monk 10 (male)
(i wasn't DMing this time)This happened a couple sessions ago after the party rescued a drow priestess from a slaver on the surface. the girl in our party was the one that let the drow out of her cell, so was the first one she had contact with. I (Rayole) and Kinealin were standing at the door facing an onslaught of guards to keep them from entering after we killed the slaver and stole his keys, while we were being buffed by Kalanish.
DM: she looks kind of shrivelled up in the corner, waiting with her eyes close
Linithia: i unlock the door
DM: she looks up when she hears the click of the lock, then says, "So are you here to torture me again?"
Linithia: "We have come to take you back to the underdark"
DM: she rushes up and kisses you
party:
Kinealin: Do it again!:D
Rayole and Kalanish: *SMACK!*
Kinealin: What?
This thead. It is so long. So very long...
Yes. Yes it is.
"Strong like bull, smell like cow," and he touched the barbarian gingerly while holding his nose for the somatic component. Luckily, he said the incantation in Draconic, or he would have really regretted casting that particular spell!
The DM introduced a 2.0 Dwarf that is a pure 2.0 in a 3.5 game needless to say it was fun to se him use skills that arn't in 3.5 lol.
Yes. Yes it is.
As it should be.
Exploring the moathouse, we get come to a room, and the DM announces that the room looks fairly empty aside from the rubble strewn about a hole in the wall. Our gnome declares that he spider climbs to the ceiling and asks the DM, "Does anything look considerably different?"
The reply came "The room looks upside down."
Maybe you had to be there... Most of us were falling out of our chairs.
And now for my contribution...
I DM for my brother, who's concept of RPG was defined by things like Runescape and the like. Thus, he doesn't get too hung up on descriptions and he doesn't mind that I can never use the same voice for an NPC. Thus, the following was rather unexpected: He (a level 10 Wilder) and his cohort (an 8th level nomad), are in combat with a set of orcs, supported by an ogre mage.
The cohort was flying above the battle, attempting to throw his returning dagger and hit an orc. I, as both a player and a DM, have been cursed with the inability to role well, so the attack roles for the cohort fell in the 2-10 range.
After about the forth attempt, I decided to give a bit of "fluff" description to try to keep the situation from growing stale. So I said, "The dagger arcs downward, flipping end-over-end and finally embedding in the ground between the orc's feet."
My brother, without missing a beat, replied, "I look up at Frank and shout, 'If you were trying to neuter him, you need to aim a bit higher!'".
We both started cracking up. Sure enough, the next time the cohort attacked, he missed again. This time I described the dagger as going right over the orc's head.
"Too high! You want to give him a haircut?"
Playing a Gestalted campaign with my usual group, I'm playing a LG Fighter/ Ranger Human with the lofty goal of being a Dragonborn Vasal of Bahamut/ Dragon Foe Hunter. He's from a small po-dunk town, so naturally no one believes he will do anything noteworthy. He is also something of a dragon fantatic, seeing Shadow Dragons where others see dark clouds, painting symbols of Bahamut on the local barns to ward away evil dragons while he is gone, frightening little children in his attempt to convey exactly how dangerous dragons are.
After the first adventure, he decided to get himself a cod piece with the words "Suck it Tiamat" etched into it and a half cape the the holy symbol of Bahamut stitched into it along with the caption "Real Men Worship Bahamut".
A while later, after a witnessing the local pompous son of the mayor knock out the local bard whom he'd befriended with a thrown beer mug. He rode the punk down a 10 foot drop from the rafters, damn near killing him. Afterwards he got himself a broad brimmed hat with "I knocked out Augustus and all I got was this lousy hat" stitched onto it. Little did he know his next adventure was to come from Augustus's Father, the mayor, who didn't take kindly to the hat.
The last session I DM'd for with a particularly large group (8) before we finally asked some people not to come back as they weren't adding anything and had been asked multiple times to not be so disruptive was a pretty funny one. Anywho, they were charged with finding the entrance to the hidden underground gnome fortress in a dense forest that had a subterrianean tunnel under a river they needed to cross.
The Druid of the party was doing very well for his first time playing, until they came upon a collection of fruit bearing bushes. Knowing the party, I assumed correctly they'd be stripping all the remotely edible fruits they could find, so I decided to throw a few poisonous plants in. They asked to druid if they were safe to eat. I rolled the Knowledge Nature check... a natural one. I could hardly contain my excitement when I told him that he was 100% sure they were safe. The group, either noticing my inability to fully hide my glee, or just being paranoid, had the druid eat the fruit first, which he gladly did. He felt fine for a few seconds until he started choking and vomitting uncontrollably.
Necromancer- "Holy Crap! Someone administer the Heimlich!"
DM (me)- "Do you have ranks in Heal?"
Entire Party- "No."
DM- "Then you don't know the Heimlich. The Druid drops to his knees, struggling to breath."
Necromancer- "MONK! KICK HIM AS HARD AS YOU CAN IN THE STOMACH!"
Monk kicks him in the stomach
DM- "Now he's coughing up blood."
Necromancer- "Is he still vomitting and unable to breath?"
DM- "Yeah."
Necromancer- "KICK HIM AGAIN! HARDER!"
Monk kicks him a few more times.
DM- "Alright, you've beat him into negative hit points, he is still vomitting and it appears he's choking on his tongue and vomit."
Necromancer- "...kick him again?"
Wizard: Casts Enlarge on Ranger
Ranger: Hits and Wounds Wyvern with both swords leaving it with 1 HP (Yes after "1" Attack it had one hit left)
Wyvern: Stings Ranger, does 1 HP
Ranger: Roll to save vs. Poison ***Critical Failure*** (Note to those who never played 2nd Ed. Poisons were much, much worse)
Paladin: Steps up stabs at wyvern and hits killing the wyvern.
Not even a full round of combat and we killed a wyvern and if it wasn't for a slow poison spell in the clerics repitoire would have lost the ranger as well. The really sad thing is my luck with Saves vs. Poison has become my luck as Fort saves...
My ranger, with his great Hide skill, peaked down the vertical cavern wall to look for guards. About 30 feet down, occasionally peering out from a ledge in the wall, was a single drow. I figured I would try to put him to sleep with some of his own poison. So, I coated an arrow, drew my bow, and waited.
The drow peeks out.
I roll a 20. *Confirmed crit*
"Whoops"
The drow played Plinko down the vertical spider web, finally splashing into the underground stream hundreds of feet below.
A small time later, we thought it would be prudent to capture a drow and question him. So, in the next fight, we would attempt to leave one alive, if not unconscious.
My ranger draws his bow and fires.
I roll a 20. *Confirmed crit*
"Whoops"
We didn't get much information.
Fellbane then looked the villain dead in the eye and said, "The fire."
I like Fellbane. I like him a lot.
You know you play D&D too much when you say the following.
The other day I was worried about turning the light off in the room where my dogs were. After debating whether they would like it better with it on or off, I shrugged my shoulders and said,
"What the heck. They have low-light vision." and turned the light off.
...is it sad that I used the exact same reasoning with my cats?
You know you play D&D too much when you say the following.
The other day I was worried about turning the light off in the room where my dogs were. After debating whether they would like it better with it on or off, I shrugged my shoulders and said,
"What the heck. They have low-light vision." and turned the light off.
lol I've done the same thing when I was getting food at taco bell just before the game I DM when he asked for about 6$ to pay for my food and I said "here's ten gold."
My friend and I got a good laugh out of it.
...is it sad that I used the exact same reasoning with my cats?
No sadder than me coming up with more exact mechanical rules for Asperger syndrome. I'm sure you remember it from your guide to playing insane characters. Great thing. Keep it in your sig.
Well, to be more precise, I statted up my perception of Asperger, keeping in mind that even undiagnosed, I'm sorta the Asperger poster child. Consider ruling in 1 less bonus language than your INT score would indicate. Skill focus (knowledge) or a +2 bonus to knowledge checks only about a very specific topic. Low wisdom too. After all, the charisma problems relate to not being able to read non-verbal clues: that sounds like a penalty on sense motive checks to me.
And whoever wins this competition still loses out. I cannot believe we're actually competing to see who's most pathetic.
- Monk: A dirty old bisexual dude. Keeps a goblinoid porn mag handy at all times.
- Swashbuckler: Has a charisma of 18 but acts like it is 8, and hits on every femael creature entity.
- Cleric: swashbuckler's brother. Dumb enough (int 6) to think that he is a barbarian, also a necrophile.
- Barbarian: Man hating, beer chugging, greataxe wielding, and extremely hot amazon type. (I wanted to name her barbie :D ) Also she is the common love interest of the brothers.
After many misadventures, bickering and infighting (all before leaving town for the first time) we managed to get to a humanoid infested buried city, we were supposed to contact a group of thieves and help them out with getting out of the cave complex.
first encounter, barbarian is hurt and rogue is down
Barb: *to cleric* Get her back on her feet and come heal me
cleric: Gimme a kiss and maybe I will decide that you are better of breathing
Barb: Come here or I'll bite your ******* heart out of your chest
Swash: *whisper to cleric* Look let's make a deal, I need her alive and you need her dead, after I'm done with her we will kill her and you will have her as much as you like after that. Now.. for this to happen we need to get along till this stupid job ends. Deal?
cleric:*whisper* deal!! *normal* Ok whatever here is your healing.... thats it feeling better??
There were much better ones like monk's various covert attempts to turn the party into his personal slaves but we never really recorded any of that stuff.
Now, back to the humor.
In an Eberron game I mentioned earlier, the three characters met together. They were Loressin d'Orien, a wizard/cleric of Aureon, Lyr, a changeling rogue, and an adamantine-plated fighter who didn't have a name.
When we met, introductions were exchanged.
Loressin: "I am Loressin d'Orien,"
Lyr: "That's a long name,"
Loressin: "Not that long, surely?"
Lyr: "Well, my name's Lyr. What's yours, warforged?"
Warforged: "I don't have a name..."
Lyr: "Well, what do you do?"
Warforged: "I was a soldier. Since the Last War ended, I have no employment."
Loressin: "You must be Nameless the Aimless!"
Warforged and Lyr: *glare*
Lyr: "I think Militia is a good name for you."
And Militia was accepted. That actually IS a good name for a feminine personality warforged. But I wanted to stick with Nameless the Aimless so much...
I like Fellbane. I like him a lot.
And that was waaay before The 300.
Regarding a low-wisdom character, who was remarkably well-played, a wizard was once heard to say, "He is the Patron Saint of the Inadvisable."
Later, after the low Wisdom score had led to yet more wacky hi-jinks, the wizard was getting particularly caustic about this other guy - I think he was a fighter - when one of the other characters said "Oh come on, it could have happened to anyone."
The wizards reply: "His whole life story is a long series of things that 'could have happened to anyone!'"
Someone once asked how high the 10' wall was.
Someone once asked what the iron door was made of.
Someone once asked how far down was the 500' drop.
I played a fighter/dragon disciple (with a cheaty level of beguiler for the skills) brawler build with Enlarge Person permanencied, but IG I was cursed to slowly turn into a dragon. I approached the party with a friend who was introducing us so I could join, and they were just questioning the captured remenant of a temple of Erythnul (God of Slaughter). Some of the people talked, but the high priest refused, even under the penalty of torture (makes sense). In order to prove my worth to the party, my character lifted the high priest up and strapped him to his altar. I then started asking questions, and when he didn't answer, I tickled him. A natural 20 later, and he was laughing hysterically (along with the players), begging to tell me everything.
Randolph, human psion 13, with a penchant for disintigration, and a the Disintigrate Finesse feat from Lords of Madness. And near max ranks in sculpture.
Jeremiah, human conjurer/master specialist 12, currently the party item crafter and general all around laid back guy. (Me).
....So, having just finished making my new ship, the Gilraen, we set out on the voyage from Sarlona to Khorvaire. Along the way, Randolph gets bored. Thats a very bad thing for a psion w/ lots of disintegrate, especially on my boat.
So, after some back and forth, he disintegrates my pants. No danger, no sweat, this is AFTER he shaped my beard up w/ the power. But, I let it slide for the sake that I just don't really care. I'm sailing away from Sarlona, with a load of new loot on my new boat, and I have Endure Elements prepped everyday.
Couple of days later, we get into some sharp maneuvering, when i realized something.
" I'm not wearing pants!".
Mixed bunch of laughs and groans, but it was grand!
-the hamster
Anyway, we were talking with a knight on the grounds of a tourney field, named Sir Eglamore, who had broken his sword in the last bout. Our fighter, Jason, was hoping to get in good terms with this knight and maybe become his squire, so he says,
"Oh, I'll lend you my sword. I left it at the inn, but I can get it."
Sir Eglamore: "Oh, I wouldn't want it to be any trouble,"
Jason: "No, I assure you, no trouble at all."
Sir Eglamore: "Are you sure?"
Jason: "Of course! Oy, Mungo!"
He sent me to go get his sword, and of course, being the nice guy I am, did. But, disliking his plans, and wishing him to remain with our adventuring group, I put cooking grease on the handle, and it slipped out of Sir Eglamore's hand in his next battle, and Jason decided not to go into his service.
Apparently, a bit of residue from the cooking grease was left over, because a little while later Jason came under the direct blast of a burning hands spell, and he smelled something.
"Is that bacon cooking?"
Mungo: "Could it be, sir, that your ham just caught fire?"
Wizard: Well why do we need to hire a helmsman? Don't you know how to fly a skyship?
Bard: Nope sorry, I've got followers to
2 sessions ago, Bard sells kobold rogue to Gnome artificer for scientific research.
Warblade: What happened to the Kobold?
Bard: I think they call it science.
The first takes place in a restaurant I can't recall the name of in Sharn
Fharion (Dainty well to do wanna be noble): "You're a sommelier in the making."
Flail (NPC Half-Ogre): "I'm kinda large, actually."
This one actually potentially needs backstory, but in short we've been to the Mournlands and have a lot of enemies.
Milo d'Orien (worlds fastest delivery boy, base speed of 80ft) "Every time we just want to do something to relax and have fun, people knock on our door and then we're dying."
Another from Milo, whom had recently been informed about mind seeds, inspired, and the dreaming dark.
Milo d'Orien "I'm a little flustered today, so which one would I pray to to not die in my sleep from nightmares invading?"
A nice one from our ever ready DM
DM - "He attacks you, because you charged at him. The skeleton's angry. Well, actually, he has no emotions."
An old NPC that took us to the Mournlands on his ship:
"You can kill a whole army of Kaarnathi zombies but it doesn't mean s*** when you get a woman pregnant."
-Captain Rolan d'Lyrandar
And lastly my personal favorite from our DM during a long long ago session:
"It's called a f***ing...a f***ing...ohhh, now I've forgotten the word so the joke isn't as witty. ...what's the name of the box people get buried in?"
DM: Can you you swim?
McDougal: Aye, I can......... LIKE A BOULDER!
Same group was supposed to gather information at a royal ball. Bjorn was the typical Viking style, long straggly hair, uncouth, etc. He shows up at the front door with a closely trimmed haircut, manicured goatee, pressed black suit and has himself announced to the ball as "Bjorn, Earl of Texas"
Two of our characters in a Star Wars game got into some disagreement that no one remembers the reason for anymore, but one of them pushed the other out of the airlock. This later came to be known as the "30 characters in 30 minutes" fight.
In a Werewolf: The Wild West game the Shadow Lord has been seen walking around wearing a Sheriff's badge. He comes down the stairs one morning, pulls open his waistcoat, looks at around 10 different badges pinned on the inside and pulls one out.
Shadow Lord: "I think I'll be a Marshall today."
Party:
:rolleye2: Same group at character introductions. The monk introduces himself.
Monk: Greetings fellow defenders of Gaia. I am Parts-The-Wind.
Trickster standing behind him: No, you're "Breaks-The-Wind"
One player decided that he would shoplift a magic item out from under the shopkeeper's nose. He failed miserably and then the shopkeeper yelled at him.
DM: You killed the shopkeeper. Now what are you going to do?
Player: I know. I'll make it look like a robbery!
Our group had to get into a guarded, gated mansion so two of us came up with the brilliant plan named "Plan Alpha Duck" involving someone dressing up like El Vago (the local Robin Hood variant) running up to the gates, stabbing a guard and running, then the shapechanger would turn into a duck, talk a flock of other ducks into flying into the compound as cover, shapechange back to open the gates and get us in.
At the end of the explanation of how Plan Alpha Duck would work the DM looked at us and said,
"You're winging it privileges are revoked."
A running gag in most of our games...
Plan A: Sneak in and Bonk them.
When someone ruins Plan A we revert to
Plan B: Rush in and Bonk them.
The Eberron group I've been a part of (on and off) for the past 2 years (which our 2 year anniversary session is approaching in about 3 weeks) has always had some golden conversations. We have been keeping a log of as many as we happen to remember/write down over the span of our game. Here are some of my personal favorites:
A Message From the DM:
I like to think the first example, where sommelier (pronounced so-mall-ee-yay) is misunderstood for large, is how things go. But I'm probably wrong, and most of it is probably of the quality of "skeleton emotions" and pregnancy jokes. But in my defence, that last example was not only long long ago, but also a session that went long long into the night. I was forgetting a lot of words that night. Like "the", and so forth.
after they escaped they tried to make their escape on a big boat with sails while being shot at by guards that they alerted to their presence unintentionally. so all of the prisoners that escaped with them except for the one that earned a name and stats has died from being shot so they send the PC with the most health at the moment up into the rigging who gets shot to hell and dies. as he falls to the deck
Bard: Hey i have animate rope.
My character was a spryte who was very fond of her undead she created. So, I had a couple of undead frost giants following me around when we were suddenly transported to a town from very far away. We started a fight while there, which is where my story begins.
Me: Hey, wait a minute, what are the giants land speeds?
DM: Not fast enough to keep up with us.
Me (in character): But... I had a very close personal relationship with them...
DM: You realize that their.... um... you know what... is as big as you are.
Party:
And as if that wasn't enough
Other player (to me): Wait a minute, dude, are you actually crying?
Well, I was, but they were tears of laughter.
The party was in a large town and were warning its Lord about an impending goblinoid invasion.
The party's Favoried Soul was a 16 year old human male (being played by a 16 year old male) and he was the one talking to the Lord cause he was the one with the plan and high Cha.
The Lord was a stuffy old man who didnt take the character seriously and asked him "Just how old are you anyway?" and the player got up, strolled over the the DM's chair, sat down on his lap facing him, and put his arms around the DM resting them on his shoulders and looked him right in the eye and said "How old do you want me to be?" and everyone but the DM almost ****** themselves laughing, it took 20 minutes to get the game started again, its one of the single funniest thing that I've ever seen while playing D&D.
Can we just kill it
wizard/archmage-
He is telling us important information...
M/F/B/GS-
o. Well this is boring *kills the guy*
W/AM-
What the hell! we need him!
M/F/B/GS-
No we dont. We are gods. remember?
W/AM-
O yah.
M/F/B/GS-
*Turns to his wife* So hunny, wanna go have sex?
Druid/Binder-
SURE!... heeh... kinky
Efficiency: Using area of effect spells in tandem to perform horrific acts of genocide for the express purpose of weeding out a single demon.
My DM would be proud of the atrocity that your group has committed SpiderDave.
Which reminds me . . .
Don't Slaughter the Camp!
In playtests of this adventure, the PCs came up with a simple, direct solution to the situation in Haimler's Town: "We have a mech. They don't. Why don't we just trample them all?"
The situation being a pair of monsters that had possessed two of the three leaders (which two?) and being able to get in close enough to kill the skinstealers without getting killed for attacking the leaders.
We were all lv 3.Anyhow, after killing a few orcs in their hideout, two orcs escape through a back door while we were fighting the other orcs. We arrive outside to see a lonely seaside and no one in sight.
Player1: Where the hell are they?
DM: You don't see anything, just some traces in the sand, the orcs are gone.
Me(in a shocked and quite serious voice): OMG water orcs!!
The whole group burst in laughter, and this has become a ongoing joke in our group, we still laugh about it till this day. But I guess you kinda had to be there to find it funny
Lucian (R/A): Ill buy all the Garlic you have.
ShopOwner: Ok, that will be 5 gp.
Takes out huge bundle of garlic
L: Ok here you go. ( Hands 5 gp )
Lucian attempts a sleight of hand check to replace the GP with CP.
Fails the check
ShopOwner: H-Hey! Don't rob me!
Lucian: I stab the Shopowner and leave with the Garlic.
Later...
Lucian is covered in blood from trying to hide the body. He walks past two guards on duty.
Guard 1: Is that blood?
Lucian: No, mate (drunk feigning) I fell in a pool of wine...
Rolls bluff check; succeeds.
Guard 1 + 2: Fair enough; thats alotta wine but Ok.
Playing with my roomate (Known hereafter as Matt) and 5 others in a six month long campaign. Matt being the "pointman" but playing a fighter, his tactics never involved stealth. We've been playing in my dining room which is open to the kitchen and another exit off the kitchen to the entry hall.
The party is in a deep forgotten cavernous system of old tunnels and worked stone. Very dark, but human fighter point man Matt has a torch. They've just been guerilla ambushed hit-and-run by duergars.
The Game:
ME(DM): "You look around and see no sign of the little grey bastages. You're bleeding from a few wounds and your torch is still lit but laying on the dirty ground."
Matt: "I'm taking point and scooping up my torch. "
ME: "You are walking North, down the corridor, 30 feet or so ahead of the party. The hallways makes a right turn ,West."
Matt: "I check the ceiling and make sure no more murder holes are up there then check ahead, for danger."
Me: Rolls dice, checks my copy of his sheet...rolls more dice.. "okay you turn the corner, inspecting the roof and the hallway up ahead, and slip, tripping over a few poles."
Matt: "No F-n Way! I was totaly searching and aware of my suroundings, I know you rolled but there's no WAY anyone would miss 4 poles laying on the floor! This is crap!"
We get into an arguement about visibility and lighting and his focus and etc.. So much he goes into his room and snatches both of our closet clothes rods (wooden) and my two replica haberds. he throws them into the kitchen and lights a paper towel on fire that he wrapped around a wooden spoon ( I know..a genius). Shutting the lights off in the Kitchen, he proceeds to SHOW ME how he couldn't have missed the poles in character.
I drop the arguement and the rest of the party is laughing and jeering and poking fun, all the while getting Matt's ire up. He turns to put out the burning papertowel/wooden spoon and runs it into the bathroom sink. as he comes back (via the kitchen) :
Me: " hey i think ash from the towel is burning the ceiling fan in the kitchen"
Matt: *Runs into the kitchen looking up..NOT SEEING THE POLES, slips, falls, twists his ankle.*
Party explodes into ironic laughter and all take about 45 minutes to gather themselves.
Matt: " I ****ing hate you."
he throws them into the kitchen and lights a paper towel on fire that he wrapped around a wooden spoon ( I know..a genius).
Spoon-torch!:D
Setup:
Playing with my roomate (Known hereafter as Matt) and 5 others in a six month long campaign. Matt being the "pointman" but playing a fighter, his tactics never involved stealth. We've been playing in my dining room which is open to the kitchen and another exit off the kitchen to the entry hall.
The party is in a deep forgotten cavernous system of old tunnels and worked stone. Very dark, but human fighter point man Matt has a torch. They've just been guerilla ambushed hit-and-run by duergars.
The Game:
ME(DM): "You look around and see no sign of the little grey bastages. You're bleeding from a few wounds and your torch is still lit but laying on the dirty ground."
Matt: "I'm taking point and scooping up my torch. "
ME: "You are walking North, down the corridor, 30 feet or so ahead of the party. The hallways makes a right turn ,West."
Matt: "I check the ceiling and make sure no more murder holes are up there then check ahead, for danger."
Me: Rolls dice, checks my copy of his sheet...rolls more dice.. "okay you turn the corner, inspecting the roof and the hallway up ahead, and slip, tripping over a few poles."
Matt: "No F-n Way! I was totaly searching and aware of my suroundings, I know you rolled but there's no WAY anyone would miss 4 poles laying on the floor! This is crap!"
We get into an arguement about visibility and lighting and his focus and etc.. So much he goes into his room and snatches both of our closet clothes rods (wooden) and my two replica haberds. he throws them into the kitchen and lights a paper towel on fire that he wrapped around a wooden spoon ( I know..a genius). Shutting the lights off in the Kitchen, he proceeds to SHOW ME how he couldn't have missed the poles in character.
I drop the arguement and the rest of the party is laughing and jeering and poking fun, all the while getting Matt's ire up. He turns to put out the burning papertowel/wooden spoon and runs it into the bathroom sink. as he comes back (via the kitchen) :
Me: " hey i think ash from the towel is burning the ceiling fan in the kitchen"
Matt: *Runs into the kitchen looking up..NOT SEEING THE POLES, slips, falls, twists his ankle.*
Party explodes into ironic laughter and all take about 45 minutes to gather themselves.
Matt: " I ****ing hate you."
Well, I guess he now knows how he could've missed that spot check.And I have a couple. More from the tales of Omni.
The cast:
Omni: a gestalt warlock/hellfire warlock//soulknife/warmind. Has his powers because Doc Hunter bound Thallos, Lord of the Seventh to him.
Thallos: Lord of the Seventh Circle of Hell. Immensely frustrated that Omni usually has control. Reluctantly takes satisfaction in being the voice of negativity. And enjoying all the destruction he sees. Rumored to actually be a yugoloth, not a baatezu.
Will: Omni's crazy friend. Bard//rogue. Carries around an iPod for theme music.
Kre-Nahk: a fiendish mercenary whose service Thallos recently acquired. And since Omni and Thallos are effectively being treated as one, that means he's on our side. A combat enthusiast and tech wizard, he normally comes across as dumber than he is. Accompanied by TAU (Tactical Advice Unit), a companion apparently fused to him. Appears to possess psionic talent.
The scene:
We find ourselves being pursued down the highway by a demonic biker gang, led by a balor. TAU decides to manifest Mass Cloud Mind and convince them there's no oncoming traffic. Sure enough, they pull into it to try to get beside us. Splat.
Thallos: Wait. You just killed a balor. Balor's explode!
Will: Wait, they get Disney down there?
When Kre-Nahk is first introduced:
Thallos: And may I present Kre-Nahk, the topic mercenary in all the Lower Planes. He gets the job done. And better yet, he's trustworthy. Never once back stabbed his employers.
Kre-Nahk: Gasp! Bubble wrap! [Runs off and begins popping it like crazy.]
Omni: I wonder why. Right, Will? [Looks around and notices Will is also stomping a roll of bubble wrap.] Why am I not surprised?
Preparing for the big showdown:
Will walks in with a shotgun.
Will: Let's do this. [Cocks the gun one-handed, and it fires, blasting a hole in the ceiling. Bits rain down on Omni's head.]
Omni: I got a bad feeling about this . . .
Thallos: This is going to be a disaster. Awesome!
Me: Eek
Dm: Roll for defence
Me: 17!
Dm: you just made it!
Me: alright!
Dm: Now roll again
Me: ok... 13
Dm: ok so 13... (checks some sheets)
Me: what was that for?
Dm: I wanted to see if you wet yourself
Me: What?
Dm: yep
Me: I didnt though did i
Dm: Are you kidding? That Minotaur is gonna have to take a swim test!:embarrass
Fighter: Okay, now we have our horse and cart. Want to name it?
Paladin: Yes, we shall call it... THE MOBILE OPPRESSION PALACE!!
Fighter: What?! half the party is lawful good and you're a pala-
Paladin: ALL ABOARD THE MOBILE OPPRESSION PALACE!!
#2
read my signature
Background:
Ok lvl 21 epic campaign.
Me: Knight of the Silverhawk
DM: Silver Dragon Knight ( not posted yet )
Player 1: Wizard/archmage
Player 2: Cleric
Ok this is about the fool of a wizard. We already didn't trust and/or put faith in him after the fact that he mucked up --3-- teleports in a row ( three 1's - uncanny ) and sent two of the party to another plane. But thats another story. The DM asked the wiz if he wanted to make his own plane. For some strange reason the wizard thought having a plane with thousands of peasants in that would flood out at his command and attack his foes in the name of justice was to be a good idea. So basically we thought he was crazy.
DM: ...Let me get this straight, you want a peasant plane where thousands of level 1 people just trust you and live there?
Wizard: *total straight face* Yes.
DM: O....K.... and how would you persuade them to go there?
Wizard: *with utter conviction* There would be food. Alotta food.
We just cracked up and didn't let him do it as it was a dumb idea of the highest caliber.
Well i think its funny
Our dwarf breaks in to a jail-cell that has female giants inside. He immediatly notices a hatch on the roof that he could reach if giants would help him up there. Good diplomacy was needed here! So he comes up and says to the ladies:
"Bend over please."
We had entered the first corridor and had encountered a strong wooden door, which Jemrick decided to break down.
-Merridian (in a mocking tone): "Are you sure that something of your size can open that?"
-Jemrick: "Ya know lass, we have an old saying beneath the mountain, 'There's nothing that a dwarf can't break'!"
-Jemrick: *charges door and bounces off, landing flat on his back*
-Merridian: *looks down on the dwarf with a smirk*
-Jemrick: *after dusting himself off* "Ahem, well, ya know we have another saying beneath the mountain, 'Twice is a charm...'"
Players: A WHAT?
DM: A Boat Owner.
Player1: You said Hardy B***r.
DM: I did not.
And still till this moment I am made fun of it.
DM(Me): You See a hearty Boat Owner?
Players: A WHAT?
DM: A Boat Owner.
Player1: You said Hardy B***r.
DM: I did not.
And still till this moment I am made fun of it.
we were laughing for about 10-15 minutes, he got mad and went to his room :D :D
Yes, the channeler in question was a guy. He was already slightly crazy when our characters met.
the party was captured after having stolen some goods in a town, so the local cleric was interrogating us with detect lies casted on us.
first he ask "what was stolen?" the fighter of the party quickly answered "it was Nothing".
since i was the robber, the fighter told the truth so they let us go!
a funny moment!
Adeil: (Rolls a 1) I'm blind!
Lex: (Rolls an 8) I've got a temporary glaucoma!
Entire table erupts with laughter and the cynical Halfling Rogue with more chips on her shoulder than most tree stumps tells me she enjoys my humour (I and the entire grouping being a new convention, though I'm the freshest face)
-Fighter (me): "I don't understand why the villiage doesn't just force the orcs outta the valley, or better yet, we could do it!"
-Sorcerer: "Hmph, typical dwarf, always rushing into combat! Don't you know that violence is never the answer?"
-Fighter: "Is that so? Well if you're so smart, then why don't you tell me what
V-I-O-L-E-N-C-E spells?"
-Sorcerer: "Ha! That's easy. The answer's vio-....." *looks away*
She was quiet for the rest of the trip! :D
NOLT!
sorry to ask but, what does this mean?
DM: The Drow advance on you
Me: I tell them that i am an albino Drow (rolls high)
Dm They believe you...
Unfortunately he wouldn't let me get out of this that easily as it was the big climactic battle and so:
Drow: Who is that person behind you
Me: Umm he is a slave under my magical control (rolls low)
DM: they don't believe you
Me: I pretend he has escaped and act as if i am casting a spell to put him back under my control (rolls low)
DM: they ignore you and advance...
*falls to knees, gazing up in awe....*
"Ye Gods.... t'is a shield tree!!!"
Mike, a regular player who always plays a cleric... every fourth fight or so, mike would say "I'll turn undead!!!". regardless of enemy... we justaccepted it as mike being odd for a while... then mike asked why he never got to do extra damage or gained special abilities when he turned undead...
Mike thought he was turning into a vampire, bless him.
also, the other night, a naga popped its head up as we were exploring.... i did the first thing that came to mind - made a gangsign, turned my hat sideways and roared "Aight, my naga, whassup?!"
got stuff thrown at me. deserved it!
"My character claps his hand together and prays to Boccob for salvation."
Two guys let out a groan and I proceed to finish the line. (Ah, Baldur's Gate: Dark Alliance. Fun game, but some of the mechanics were confusing).he was killed by an opposing army (with great casualties on their side), and came back 4 days later. Seeing this, the enemy commander came to parley/possibly surrender. The conversation was thus.
"So... I kill you, and yet before so much as a week has passed, you're back and butchering my men. Why?"
"No rest for the wicked, sir. It's a hard job, but someone has to do it. Now, did you come for coffee and small talk, or wrath and hellfire? Don't worry, I can work with either."
Or when a paladin was stupid enough to tell the guy that he didn't fear death...
"Death? My poor, naive friend, I plan to be far more... creative than that."
From Kharon Leshtar, mine kobold engineer.
"If at first you don't succeed... than obviously you weren't using enough gunpowder, duh."
Skraal Weaselheart, a gestalt CG kobold psion/soulknife (entirely serious character, mind you)
"Say hi to karma." (said after triple-20ing an ogre mage).
Dalthon, that Justiciar I mentioned a while back, when trying to enter another boromar halfling building. Two guards stopped him, and asked him why they should let him in.
"Good question. Observe."
he then punched each one in the face for 52 and 46 subdual, they didn't wake up for two days ^_^
My Pelorite LG crusader
"Die, heretic!" Said shortly before kicking a normal, inanimate mushroom. It's a long story...
There's far more, this is just for my comeback
Krystoff: In John Wayne Voice Forsooth. It's my way or the... highway. I challenge you to a... duel.
I actually said this out loud after I read it...
My character grabs a grenade, pulls the pin, and throws the grenade at the goons saying "As you wish."
In that group I play a charismatic elf girl (whose personality would be akin to a combination of Elan from order of the stick and Edward from Cowboy Bebop). At one point we had killed all but one of a group of goons and we started making intimidation checks.
Human with katana: Tell me what we want to know, or Ill slice you to ribbons!
Dwarf: Tell me what we want to know or I'll blow your head off!
Elf girl (Me): Tell me what we want to know... or you'll make me cry.
I didnt get to roll my check, but it likely would have been higher than theirs since they botched (or GLITCHED) theirs. In fact it probably would have been high enough to get him to talk, but the successfull intimidation check came from the troll who screamed random words in Japanese. When a 9 foot tall beast who just punched your friends to death starts screaming out like a psycho, it breaks the language barrier.
By the way the GM roleplayed the botched intimidate checks that the human swords user tripped over his own feet and the dwarf dropped his gun.
When he's actually hit for once by a hobgoblin
"Strike an old man? Shame on you! Strike a dead man? ...Well, go ahead, it's your funeral."
he never dealt anything but big subdual in most fights, though, that one included. (no, there was no vow involved, I don't do this stuff for the stat bonuses)
In a different fight, against a hobgoblin warblade, after dodging an attack and making an attack.
"You know, I really ought to be getting too old for this."
Warlock - "Shouldn't you retire?"
Bill - "Retire? I've died already and come back to life. This IS my retirement, boy!"
Or when the same warlock talks about the absolutely ancient enemy warlord BBEG (who is decidedly mortal).
"You know, I could care less about that guy. I mean, he's really old, so even if we don't lift a finger..."
Bill - "Yes?"
Warlock "Well, he's pretty old, he's gonna die soon, right?"
Bill - "Your point being?"
"Well, I'm not entirely sure yet, but so far it seems to read, 'See Spot run.' Ah, apparently, the plot continues. 'Run Spot run.' I wonder what happens next, so intriguing..."
Speaking of books, another character of my sister's used to collect every little odd-ball thing she could think of. She carried around a book of elf-tales (elves in this world were reclusive and not often seen outside of a certain forest), a wooden minotaur toy, and a really, really smelly book of songs made out of some kind of seaweed that we found in a merpeople library, and noted all of these down on her character sheet.
Party: ok, we either need kick down this door or come up with some kind of plan.
Me:How bout we kick down the door with a plan?
The table was laughing pretty hard for the next few minutes.
Another time I was playing with my Saturday night group. I was playing a Halfling 1 out of 3, we were all playing brothers. We came to town and the party split up for a while to restock on gear and magic. Anyway me and my characters brothers were walking past the local tavern which had these large glass windows. My character the Knife throwing halfling (which used poison on each of his blades)(though his cover story was that he was born to a noble family) , saw a fellow party member in the tavern, he and the party member never really saw eye to eye.. especially because the other was human..... anyway my halfling pulls out a throwing dagger looks around and tosses the knife in at the Human. It hit and then the table looks at the player waiting for him to roll a fort save. sadly to say he saves.
then all of the sudden the Party Barbarian bursts out of the tavern a massive Goliath with a Huge Great-Axe, comes bearing down on my halfling and his brothers.Barbarian: Who Threw that!!??!!
Human: It was Him (pointing at my character)
Me: ME?
I can't throw daggers I'm a Noble. *rolls* {all of the table was watching the roll} *:D Nat 20:D *.Barbarian: o ok.
Thanks, you made my day ^_^ Kinda unexpected to find such a fan outta the blue, but thanks. And yeah, he's one of my favorite characters, too. have you read the stuff I put up over on the Chardev boards, or should I post that too?
Yeah, I have read that stuff, that's how I recognized him. But might as well post it anyway, for the people who don't want to make their way over there by the long method.
" Good afternoon, gentlemen. here to collect the taxes, I presume? Well, a silver piece a head is quite a bit, but there's no helping it, I suppose. Nevertheless, I'll be happy to pay the fee on behalf of the village."
he said all this while smiling genially and, incidentally, removing the hat. The tax collectors managed to keep up something resembling a poker face, and agreed to take the silver a head (totalling about 4~5 gold for the village), before scurrying away as quickly as possible.
And yes, They came to collect something like 70 gold a head, and Bill knew it, but hey, whatever works, right?:D
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he just got to a semi-big city, and is totally in awe, by virtue of having never been in one for the past 90~100 years or so. Also, some guy tried to rob him while he was fishing, big mistake. I made my listen/spot checks and noticed him a mile away, but pretended I didn't. So, he let the guy stab him in the back. Twice. At which point he turned around, chuckled, and said "why don't you try somewhere around here next time?" (pointing at a different spot on his back). After that, the robber pretty much collapsed from panic. Bill's response was to break both daggers and toss them into the lake he was fishing from, hand the guy a few silvers from his pocket, and send him on his way. What's in it for him, you ask? Well, he's just being paladin-y, but in a good way, not in a "smite on sight" way. That, and he got a good laugh out of the whole deal:D .
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After heading over to his paladin order (or, as he put it, drop in for a chat and a cup of tea), he was confronted by a few law officials outside town, and was about to be arrested for the whole tax collector incident (someone mentioned that they were forced to leave, not exactly true, but it tends to get you in trouble).
So-o... here's the following conversation. Bear in mind that he could have just steamrollered the lot of them, he just didn't want to.
"My my... so many of you, this must be quite the important operation. Now, something like this, they wouldn't put any old fool in charge, now would they? No, they would choose someone with the wisdom and foresight to see people for who they truly are." (Looks at the leader) "Now, a wise man like you would have heard what they say... you can tell a lot about a man by looking into his eyes. So do me a favour, sir, look into my eyes, and tell me what you see..."
At this point, he looks the poor guy in the eye, and removes his hat of disguise. he, ofcourse, panics and runs.
"Good man, that. Run along now, all of you, I'm sure the law has better things to do than chase after an old man."
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Later on, the same guys came back, backed by some rather chunky bodyguards with longswords, steel shields and scale mail. Since these guys are low level fighters at best, I doubt they would have even got past his DR, but as you all know, that's not his style. Instead, he surrendered, and let himself be brought into prison. After one night there, he was told that his punishment for treason, intimidation of state officials and assault on a state official was beheading.
Now, Bill's the lawful type, so he tried to find a way to twist it to his advantage. he asked to see the exact wording on the document, and sure enough, it said that he is to be beheaded, but never explicitly stated that he is to be killed (it's just assumed, obviously)
Meanwhile, the rest of the party is gearing up to do a heroic break-in, rescue Bill, and run out of the city.
The next day, he's taken to the guillotine to be executed. he's given a list of charges, and told that he will be beheaded for his crimes. At this point, he smiles, and cheerfully exclaims "but ofcourse! Why didn't you just say so?" and removes his skeletal head. (temporarily, and he took 20 damage for it)
The assembled crowd stares in horror as he turns to address the executioner, still smiling, and the head - now held in his left hand - asks "Now, will there be anything else?"
And ofcourse, legally, there wasn't.
he walked out, and ran into the party, who were ready to burst in, and were armed to the teeth. Since it's not important to him, he entirely forgot to put his head back on - the rogue fainted at that point - and simply said "Oh, hello there, what are you doing over here?"
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The party finally tracked down who keeps trying to get him arrested/executed. The culprit is a member of the city council, and a fanatical follower of Pelor, who apparently realized that Bill is undead, and intends for him to be destroyed in Pelor's name as quickly as possible.
Ofcourse, we can't let this happen, can we now?
So, the party, minus Bill, go to talk to him after a sermon. They chat with him about various aspects of his religion, basically letting him preach to his heart's content, until Bill strolls in through the door without even a word of warning, and begins to speak before the priest has a chance to say anything.
"Good evening, sir. Now, I know you're a busy man, what with all this taint of undeath to purge from the world, so I'll keep this short. There are a list of important things that concern you, and I have them on a list here. Their names are: Slander, false charges, attempted execution by said charges - murder, essentially-, racism toward the dead, and, most importantly, large men in chainmail. Large, uncomplicated men dressed in chainmail, and quite possibly equipped with maces, swords, axes and other uncomfortably large pieces of metal. Now, there's two ways we can settle this: in a peaceful manner, or in a Civilized manner. Now, sir, I am far from a violent man, but I have come to learn during my stay here that it is the civilized way to hire men who are. My offer is thus: Allow me to leave the city, do not send your men after me, stop wasting your time, not to mention mine and everyone else's, and you will never hear from me again."
After he finished with his speech, he just turned around and left with the rest of the party. It's been a few weeks in game time and he hasn't been pestered yet, so I think it worked.
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Later, the town the party was staying in was about to be attacked by a combined force (total of 200~300) of orcs, ogres, hobgoblins, and the like, a fraction of the as-yet-unknown BBEG of the campaign. As they march toward the town, the sorcerer is getting ready to charge in there and fireball things, when Bill stops him.
"Give it a rest, son. There's a time for steel and sorcery, and there's a time for words."
"And which do you think this is?"
At that point, Bill takes a quick look at the army, assessing its strength and numbers, before replying.
"Now, kid...now's the time to pray."
The next morning, the army finds Bill ahead of their path in the dead of night, while everyone back in town is still asleep. he's sitting down on a folding chair, and smoking his pipe. They stand there, crowding near him, stopping in a huddle to discuss the unexpected turn of events.
Once they're all in a suitable huddle and near enough, Bill activates his pipe, which is, in fact, a horn of blasting (with a price and range increase, and damage boosted. Yes, it cost a lot).
And the crowd goes dead, courtesy of 7d6 area damage, Bill's first lethal damage.
The next morning, the party is asking him what they do, and he's just smiling contentedly. When they ask him what's going on, he simply says "look out the window, boys, it looks like we got our miracle after all."
A few 15~20s later, he sneaks out successfully with the document, except that he's not taking any real care to hide. When they ask him how he did it, he simply says "no one notices an old man with a broom".
Yes, I like diskworld ^_^
During the boss fight (against another hobgoblin Iron heart Warblade), the two were basically having a toe-to-toe fight, with Bill still insisting on nonlethal damage. The rest of the party was doing whatever they were doing, over on the sidelines. At one point, Bill gets hit, and the hobgoblin makes a comment on his bad stance and such.
his response? "Don't tell me how to swing a cane, boy!"
Except, you know, said hobgoblin is 82 years old. Granted, Bill is still 45 years his senior, but still :D.
*The party is determining whether it's a good idea to jump down the enormous hole in the dungeon floor, which minutes earlier had expulsed a Bloodfire Ooze.*
Psion: So we can go down the stairs, or down this big hole that the ooze came out of.
Rogue: You mean the ooze-hole?
Druid: I prefer to think of it as the ooze-shaft.
Wizard: Well, the shaft seems good to me. Nobody booby-traps an ooze-shaft.
Druid: I would.
Psion: Why?
Druid: Because I wouldn't like people going into my ooze-shaft.
Rogue: I don't want to climb down this thing, look at it, the rocks are still glowing red hot and there's smoke coming out.
Druid: Yes, the ooze-shaft is often hot and steaming.
Wizard: I could cast Create Water and cool it down.
Rogue: But that would make the rocks slippery.
Druid: So you're suggesting that we lubricate the ooze-shaft?
Psion: Screw all this debate, let's just jump. It's not that far.
Druid: Alright, but one at a time.
Rogue: Why?
Druid: It's not a good idea to let more than one person into the ooze-shaft at a time, or else-
DM:THE NEXT TIME YOU USE THE PHRASE "OOZE-SHAFT" YOU'RE TAKING A NEGATIVE LEVEL!
Wow.
Why he should never be allowed near a staff of summoning (actually homebrewed)...
When being attacked by two bugbears, he uses the staff to summon a celestial elephant. As it crashes down, dust rolling in clouds around it, the bugbears hear three words before they're trampled.
"En Garde, suckers."
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he also frequently summons less uber celestial animals to the cry of "hapless meat shield, I choose you!". Countered after a while by this.
heironeous - "You know, that's really wrong, you shouldn't do that."
Kelrin - "Oh yeah? So it's your... magic wossname thingy now, is it?"
heironeous - "That depends, ofcourse, but I believe direct divine gifts count."
Kelrin - "You know, you can be so boring sometimes."
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When being shot by some drow on a cliff, he looks up, points at the drow, and says...
"Oi, you, get 'em", which is instantly followed by a flame strike.
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When casting flame strike at a group of enemies...
"Eat god, suckers!"
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And one from Bill...
At the end of the adventure, the warlord defeated, Bill is back at shepherd's retreat (on the outskirts), fishing. heironeous actually shows up in person, looking perfectly ordinary, and asks him to come to celestia. Basically, he needs a paladin as good as Bill as near as possible to better aid him, but is willing to just ask him instead of order him (I.E. he has a choice). Bill apologizes, but firmly refuses. At this point, the following, brief conversation ensues.
"Bill, you've travelled the world in these past few months, I would have thought you realized by now that some things are more important than... than sheep."
Bill just smiles, and says "Anyone who can say that ain't from 'round here."
"Bill, you're needed up there. Am I to beg you, a paladin, to remember your duties toward me?"
Bill looks toward the village, sighs, and says "These aren't the only sheep I'm staying for, m'lord, or the only ones I'm shepherding."
After hearing that, heironeous just smiles sadly, turns around, and leaves without another word.
thanks for sharing!
cog_n_taz, your games are awesome! i'm freaking jalous!
thanks for sharing!
Thank'ee. Any particular favorites from there?
Thank'ee. Any particular favorites from there?
everything is good, it's very hard to choose a particular one, so no!
but i like Bill a lot!
So, we're playing the Eberron mod. "Chimes at Mindnight", near the end on the rickety stair case. Our is ascending the stairs in this order: Sims, the trip-focused fighter, Hal, the shifter druid, Quinn the ranger/rogue bounty hunter, and Valgoth (yours truly) the dwarven transmuter/shaper of form. I'm nortoriously bad with diplomacy... very much "speak first, explain/dodge later." At the top of the stairs is a shifter, who we know is weak to/terrified of silver, and a hobgoblin who goes crazy if anyone points out his failure to become a monk.
Valgoth, upon seeing the hobgoblin, yells, "You know who we could use right now... a monk. But I don't see one anywhere... oh where can we find a monk." Hobgoblin leaps from the top of the stairs, manages a nat 20 to grapple Valgoth, and they both go crashing through the stairs, landing in a heap.
The rogue chimes in, immediately... "You know... a monk would have landed on his feet."
We took a 5 minute break to stop the laughing.
The BBEG is explaining his big scheme to raise some dead , forgotten, evil etc. god as an uber-undead, and use it to take over the world. Overall, it's a grand, overarching, massive scheme, made by a true mastermind, i just oversimplified it. he's also surrounded by horrifying undead and fiends of all descriptions. The rest of the group, not just the PCs, are horrified. Just to ruin the moment, Terathus spits out one word before attacking.
"...amateur."
Like it?
Long story short, Terathus needed to assassinate a certain noble. how? Well, he signs up for a meeting, keeps completely peacable, and when he leaves, the noble shakes his hand, saying "Well, it certainly was nice to meet you."
My answer?
"You too...briefly."
Yeah, he failed his fort save.:D
"Carpe Anima"
I used an online latin translator for it, so I'm not sure how accurate it is, but I believe it translates into english as "seize the soul". The original being Carpe Diem, or "seize the day".
Ah yes... how could I forget? Terathus's motto (in latin, mind you)
"Carpe Anima"
I used an online latin translator for it, so I'm not sure how accurate it is, but I believe it translates into english as "seize the soul". The original being Carpe Diem, or "seize the day".
Close enough for a pithy motto.
I think it should be 'animus' rather than 'anima', but yeah.Close enough for a pithy motto.
Carpe animum. In the English phrase "Seize the soul" soul acts as the direct object. In Latin this translates to the accusative case. That would be -um for animus, or -am for anima. One is of course soul. But I believe the other is a related but different word. So it's either carpe animum or carpe animam. But spoken, it's kinda hard to tell the difference. If you want to hide that you don't know.
Thank'ee both for your help, I'll be going with carpe animam, since animum is related to animus (no idea what that is, but I think it is related but different).
Hoo boy. I'm not even going to go into the explanation of "anima" and "animus". It's complicated psychology and it's a headache. (Among other reasons.)
Carpe Animam sounds good to me. And it does translate to "Seize the Soul". Although, the translator I ran it through spit out "to pluck breath" with "Seize the Soul" as an alternate translation.
Soo... anyone got something from their games, or is it falling on me to keep up the flow?:D
We were set up to be around 6th level and if you can make it up, you can be it. We had:
An elvan wizard
A human fighter
A halfling rogue (me)
A human necromancer (the one with the line)
An elvan ranger (who only decided to join when the rest of us were getting our butts handed to us)
We got hired to find out why cows would keep disappearing from the field during the night. The necromancer got to negociate the reward (he's never allowed again), and decided he wanted to marry the mayors oldest daughter as reward. Yah. The rest of us wern't happy.
The necromancer also comes up with the plan for how we are going to catch the theif. Cow costumes.
I turned it down and hid in the tall grass, the fighter turned it down and hid somewhere nearby. The wizard agreed to the cow costume, and the necromancer hid inside a zombie cow (I wish I was kidding)
Late that night, the culprits appeared. 6 owlbears. They grabbed a couple cows and took off again (one of them was the wizard's disguise. So they ran off with the wizard.), with us in hot pursuit. Back in their cave, the wizard bursts out of the costume and starts blasting bears with spells (I think he used chain lighting once) before he gets hurt and the rest of us show up.
The necromancer realizes at this point that he can't think of any spells a necro would use, short of animate dead and life drain (a touch attack version). So he starts shooting at the bears with poisoned crossbow bolts.
I end up getting chased by 3 owlbears (wounding one quite viciously; I called out the number drawn 3 times in a row. So the bear had a dagger in the eye and throat and a short sword shoved down it's throat), while the fighter solos another. The wizard drops the last one with magic missle before passing out. The ranger saves my butt, jumping out of some bushes and distracting one of the owlbears after me. He drops it, while the other two trap me under a rock outcropping (I could still move and that, but I couldn't get out. The DM said the owlbears were playing "bite you, can't bite you). The fighter handles his opponant and goes after the injured one attacking me. The ranger handles it too, so it goes down fast (the only thing the necro's done so far is animate two dead villagers). There's only one more, which is still at full health. So the necro comes up with a plan:
Use life drain (the touch attack)
So he charges the bear alone and hits it with life drain. It isn't happy, and he's the only one within arms reach. So it picks him up and begins chewing on him. I run out to try to save him, and declare I'm going to go after the Achillies Tendon (the bear was reared up). I call the number exactly (again) and hit dead on. The necro has to call a number and calls one. The DM pulls a 10. The bear falls and chomps down on his neck. Hard. It took his head clean off with that.
One crippled owlbear was no match for the rest of the group, and the wizard lived, but the necro player had the worst plan that session. What necromancer wants to get into melee with an owlbear, with out any really effective weapons?
Oh, and since he was dead, we didn't even get a reward.
The same player is also famous for peeing on a fire nymph (it aimed for the origin of the flow
:OMG! ), as well as an electric door (which gave him a heart attack). He also played a dragon rider once, and got eaten by his own dragon (who took his head off. That seems to keep happening). He's died on all but one of our camp sessions so far.All right... this little set up made me want to cry, but I thought it was an AMAZING bit of description from one of the guys in our party. Here's what had just happened: The father of the one character in our party had died. Seeing as how the father was the head of the military in this nation, the son has now taken his place. At the funeral, a little girl comes up to him.
DM: The girl reaches out to you and hands you a flower and said" im sowwie you daddy died" as this happens an explosion goes off from the crowd and kills everyone instantly as someone blows themself up, you watch as the little girl disintergrates in front of you as her hand touches yours and you are left with a dismembered hand with a flower in it.
Character: I drop the hand and take the flower, I didn't support this war before now but that was the last straw!
DM: You look out as the warforged stands up from the explosion as he says very quickly' i didn't do it!'
Very nice. I could have done without the warfoged's line at the end, though.
Human Fighter: Crap, I got a 6.
DM: You hear nothing.
Me (drow ranger/bard): Grow better ears human.
(Five minutes later...)
DM: Spot checks.
Fighter: Crap, I got a 7.
DM: You see nothing.
Me: What is it now, human? Are you so inferior? Your species hasn't adapted to have ears and eyes yet? Well go evolve faster!
Carpe Animam sounds good to me. And it does translate to "Seize the Soul". Although, the translator I ran it through spit out "to pluck breath" with "Seize the Soul" as an alternate translation.
Oooh, latin translator? Do you have a link? :D
From one session, I am a LG Monk playing along side a LG Paladin and a LN Swordsage.
We had arrived at a tavern on orders to find a missing burocrat only to discover the building ransacked. Searching yielded us nothing, so I wandered into the kitchen, looking for something to eat. As soon as I picked up a wheel of cheddar, I was ambushed by one of the thugs that sacked the inn. I threw the cheese, rolling 20, 20, 19, on the attack, instantly knocking him out. Seeing what happened, I just uttered...
"The power of cheese..."
A minute later, the Paladin and Swordsage come rushing in with other thugs on their tail. Both do not have their weapons (forget why) so a scoop down, grab the wheel, and toss it to the Paladin.
Paladin, while smiting: The Power of Crust compells you! ::Natural 20 attack roll, kills thug::
Paladin tosses the wheel to the Swordsage.
Swordsage, rolling intimidation check: BEHOLD! ::Natural 20::
Tossing the cheese back to me, I loop a rope through it and start tossing it out, wheeling it back in like a yo-yo. We ended up defeating the thugs with only the wheel of cheese.
Afterwards, I am trying to decide what to put down on my character sheet, since I obviously have to keep the cheese. I announce what I am putting down to the group.
Me: It is a +1 Returning Irrisistable Wheel of Holy Cheddar.
Paladin: It would have to be Swiss in order to be Holy.
EDIT: Oh, yes, I became a unofficial monk of "The Whey of the Curds".
I am an Orc Knight with a Psion, Swashbuckler, Monk, Samurai, and Paladin. We have been traveling through an underground cavern hunting down a group of gnomes who are working with mind flayers to create dopplegangers used to take over the kingdom I am pledged to. Finally, the climatic battle is just up ahead, we only have to get past a Voidming Minotaur with levels in War Hulk.
Piece of cake.
Except we are on a raised platform, and my AC is the only one the minotaur would not readily hit. Couple that on the fact I am cursed (-4 to attacks, saves, skills, and ability checks) drained of strength (down to 6) and fatigued. In the first round of combat, myself, the Monk, and the Paladin all charge the monster. He only hits me, dealing 75 damage to my 99 HP, and knocking me off the platform. Luckily my ring of featherfalling allows me to drift down the 40' in 4 rounds, and climb back up the stairs in another 4 rounds. At this point the Paladin and Samurai are both down, the Psion time jaunted to 7 rounds in the future, and the monk and swash are both hanging off the edge of the cliff.
Me: I look the Minotaur straight in the eye and say "My turn, hairball."
The ensuing hit was enough to deal massive damage to him, and thanks to a knockback ability, he too fell from the platform to plummet to his death. Reviving the Paladin, he asks me what happened to the minotaur, i just poin to the edge of the cliff and say "Beef, it's what's for dinner."
Fast forward a few minutes to when we are fully healed, the squid face we had been sent to kill is expecting us with a few void-mind gnomes py his side. After a few rounds of combat, the flayer is flying around, dropping psionic fireballs on us when the following conversation occures.
Simon(Psion): Hey, Sir Kay (Me), do you trust me?
Me: Of course Simon.
Simon: Are you willing?
Me: Why not?
Simon: (OOC to DM) The ming flayer makes a Fort save. ::Rolls, fails:: Okay, he and Sir Kay have Baleful Share Pain. (IC) Sir Kay, hit yourself in the face!
Me:
O...kay?The massive damage I do to myself is enough, even though he takes half, to outright kill the mind flayer on one hit.
Me: :glairing at the rest of the gnomes: I killed that by only hitting myself. Imagine what i could do to you.
They surrendered right then and there.
Oooh, latin translator? Do you have a link? :D
Yes.
Here:
http://www.translation-guide.com/free_online_translators.php?from=English&to=Latin
When you get the results, you have to scroll down to the bottom box to see the translation. The upper sections of the results page has the alternate translation dropdown menus.
not really a good line but one of the funnier moments of the campaign
This happened early in "The World's Largest Dungeon" module, and I was playing a Dwarven barbarian, and we were searching through a roomfull of rubble looking for whatever we might find....
DM: "Search roll please"
Me: (roll nat 1, -1 ability mod = 0 ) I look at the DM, point at the guy next to me, and say "I throw dirt where he's looking"
He dang near snotted Coke out his nose!
We had just come to the Temple itself, me being a new chap just joined, and encountered a bunch of hobgoblins who chucked javelins at us. Our leader, Agamotto (don't know what class he is, and I think he's a human) told us that we were supposed to leave survivors for questioning. In the excitement of the moment, we nearly killed all of them, and I had to use curative magic to bring one back from negative hitpoints.
While I was doing this, Agamotto ordered Kethlean (an elf of, again, unknown class) to go around the Temple and look for easier entrances (it looked pretty imposing to us, and I posted the following:
"Why don't you just ask him?" Lluther growled, pointing at the hobgoblin he had just healed with his axe.
Just an accidental, maybe even not very humorous error on my part.
The first one, we were asking for a report on the surrounding forest.
DM: There have been reports of Druid Sects throught the area.
Players: Did you just say Druid SEX? Who cares?!
DM: Not Druid SEX! Druid sssseeeecccccttttssss (trying to pronounce it clearer, which, to us, came out as Druid seeexxxxx)
Another one, there was a zombie girl found in an inn, and everyone ran outside. We had a new player who didn't know what Search was for, and the following ensued:
Player: Can I search the inn?
DM: (Thinking he is going to loot it) Sure, make a Search Check. What exactly are you searching for?
Player: Zombies. (Said with a completely straight face).
That one stopped the game for a while...
These are both in my sig, but I thought you might like them.
The first one, we were asking for a report on the surrounding forest.
DM: There have been reports of Druid Sects throught the area.
Players: Did you just say Druid SEX? Who cares?!
DM: Not Druid SEX! Druid sssseeeecccccttttssss (trying to pronounce it clearer, which, to us, came out as Druid seeexxxxx)
Sects, Sects, Sects, is that all you Druids think about?
"Okay, so what happens if we surrender?"
"Start with 'you all die horribly, and your corpses are reanimated as fiery skeletons as your pitiful souls are cast into the nine hells for an eternity of torment', and work your way up from there."
"...What if we fight?"
"Ah, that's when things start to get bad."
Our leader, Agamotto (don't know what class he is, and I think he's a human)
Wait, as in The Eye of Agamotto?
DM: You approach the town of Sintar and see a man who seems to be a town guard. As you draw closer he greets you: "Ah, another adventurer is it? My name is Dave and I-"
Me: I interrupt him.
Dirge (Human Rogue): "Ah, a welcoming committee, is it?" I say, thrusting my bags into his arms. "Take these to the inn, shall you?"
Dave: Dave drops the bags. "Well, excuse me... sir. I am a town guard."
Dirge: "Oh, very well."
Dirge's Player: I flip him a gold coin.
Dave: "Bags to the inn? Very good sir."
Dirge: "Oh, and herald my arrival to the inn, will you?"
Dave: "Certainly sir."
Dave: "Ladies and gents, may I introduce the one and only Dir-."
Einkul (Dwarf Fighter): I throw my mug at him.
Dirge: "I take my coin back."
Since then the rogue has had his "gold coin of returning" marked in his inventory, as it always seems to end up back in his hands after the person he give it to has an 'accident'.
Also, every time the rogue does anything cowardly, greedy, or any other roguelike quality, he usually gets the closest container of alcohol thrown at him.
----------
Leaving town, as a party of level 2 adventurers: "Kobolds? No problem. We'll be back in a day or so."
Arriving back in town, running full pelt, all of us yelling: "DRAGON!! DRAGON!! RIGHT BEHIND US! FLEE FOR YOUR LIVES!"
----------
Outmatched Cleric fighting a blue dragon with rider, after the party killed the blue dragons younger brother.
Cleric: "Flee! I'll hold him off!"
Dirge: "Alright! We'll see you back at town!" I run off as fast as my legs will carry me, just as soon as I grab that sack of gold and the scepter I saw in the dragons horde.
Rallying the town against a blue dragon:
Parthion (Elf Warlock): *Heroic speech* "...so take up arms, defend your women and your children!"
Dirge: "...and if I catch anyone not fighting I'm going to gut them!"
----------
After a bar worker called our gnomish barbarian short.
Alphonse: I run across the room and tackle him.
DM: You run across the room, leaping the bar in one swift jump, and send the eight-year old Bobby flying across the room, into a wall. He collapses unconscious.
Alphonse's player: Eight?
DM: Eight.
Alphonse's player: He had it coming.
----------
Thats all I can think of for now.
Rogue#1: Giant centipede, eh? No problem. I'll tell the others--
Rogue #2: Wait, how giant is giant?
DM: Pretty big. Huge!
Rogue#2: Like the size category Huge?
DM: (laughing) Keep going.
Rogue#2: Like an elephant or what?
DM: Let's see here... it says... gargantuan.
[a bunch of players' faces go white as a sheet]
Players:
-"Where the heck is the size chart? What book is that in?"
-"Here it is. Wait, it's BIGGER THAN A ****ing DRAGON?"
-"I run away! I don't even tell the others, I just go!"
-"That's not CR-appropriate! What the ****?"
-"What page is this? Are you guys looking at the right one? You're sure it's gargantuan, right?"
-"Don't worry guys, we'll just sneak around it! We can sneak around!"
-Yeah, we'll just put the fighter in full plate mail on a sledge and drag him nice and quiet like."
Eventually, I got them quieted down. Then I used the Monster Manual--that's right, the physical book--to represent the centipede on the battle grid. A little too big, I know, but they were so freaked out I couldn't resist.
They were 5th level. But between their surprise attack round and their clever use of terrain (luring it into a narrow passage where I ruled it could only move at half-speed) they managed to kill it... barely.
Let's see... I'll attempt to translate this to English, but I'm afraid a lot of it might get lost in translation. Damn lack of language skills.
Anyway!
The cast:
Olaf: CE Dwarven Crusader. Total berserker. Has a penchant for genocidal actions and a an inability to think things through.
Nayaire: NE Human Druid. Sadistic. Hates gods and other beings that try to submit nature. Given our mission makes us meet gods often, he's lightning-zapped regularly. Has a fleshraker named Kit.
Trosky Stonehard: CN Half-giant psywarrior. Serious ADD. To quote Vaarsuvius, his intelligence could be compared unfavorably to that of a table. Has a history of being able to miss the broad side of a barn in melee combat.
Tim: NE Wizard. Resident powerhungry wizard. Not actively evil, merely ruthless.
----------------------------------------------
We have just entered a mansion where, supposedly, some heads of the smuggler's organization we had been pursuing lately should be crashing. Of course, the first room is a pit trap, and we all end up inside a cell in the basement.
Tim: Well, crap. I told you we should have hired a trapfinder. Now how the hell do we get out of here?
Nayaire: There are no corpses here, meaning they get people out for some reason. They will come for us eventually, and we'll slaughter them. I'm in no hurry. *sits down*
Trosky: Trosky not wait! Trosky be hard as stone! (Incidentally, that be why Trosky be named like that). Trosky break puny cell! *attempts strenght check, fails* Unnggh... gahh...
Trosky: *looks menacingly at the jailbars* Trosky not be so gentle next time, bars!
-------------------------------------
After that failed attempt...
Trosky's player (OOC): Trosky picks up a stone and starts mashing at the door's lock with it.
DM: Ummm... where the hell are you going to find a stone inside a cell?
Olaf's player (OOC): Hey, that's not so bad an idea. I pick another stone and help him.
DM: But I told you, there's no stones!
Trosky's player, half IC, half OOC: Trosky break chunk of wall for him and dwarf!
DM: It's a god-damned circular cage in the middle of a room! There's no stone wall to break!
Trosky and Olaf's players (OOC) (smashing at the table): Then we start smashing at the ground! WE WANT ROCKS!
DM, now half ticked off and half laughing: There's no ground either! You're all floating now!
Olaf's player (OOC): Whoa, dwarf balloon. Cool.
Trosky's player (OOC): Trosky extends his arms and shouts "TROSKY BELIEVE HE CAN FLY!"
-------------------------------------------
Eventually, a group of elves comes down and tries to subdue us to take us we don't know where. Of course, they are slaughtered easily, and we escape to the upper levels, trying to find someone.
DM: you smash the door down. Inside, there's a man in a black robe, sitting in front of a desk and writing something. It's obvious you have caught him by surprise. He looks pretty harmless.
Olaf: I charge him! Battle leader's charge! *rolls, crits with greataxe, over 90 damage easily*
DM, looking strange: ...Okay, Olaf charges across the room, and with a mighty blow sunders both the desk and the man in half, sending them across the room in a chaos of splinters and guts.
Olaf's player (OOC): Yeah! Who da dwarf?
Me (OOC): ...we just killed the plot NPC we were supposed to interrogate, right?
DM: Yeah, pretty much.
Me to Olaf's player (OOC): I'd feed you to Kit for that, but I make a point to keep his diet healthy.
--------------------------------------------
Anyway, we get the guy's safebox and head out. In the inn, we wonder how in the Nine Hells we're opening it, seeing it's withstood a direct hit form Olaf without a scratch. A halfling rogue offers to open it for us.
Rogue: I could open it for you... for half the price of whatever's inside.
Nayaire: Just say yes and get over with this damn thing already.
Olaf player (OOC): The hell I'm saying yes! He's ripping us off!
Olaf: Twenty five percent and that's it!
Rogue: I'm not willing to go lower my prices
Olaf: Thirty percent!
Rogue: Forty then.
Olaf: Okay, fifty and that's a last!
*whole table erupts in laughter. Olaf's player looks dumbfounded for a second until he realizes he's tied his tongue*
*DM is stifling laughter at this point* Rogue: Fine by me. Shall we get going, then?
Olaf' player (OOC): Crap! Wait! I didn't say that part aloud! I didn't...!
Me (OOC): Don't sweat it, man. We all know math isn't Olaf's forte :P
--------------------------------------
We end up killing the rogue after he opens the box. But we knew he had friends down in the bar, so we couldn't just take his corpse out.
Me: I take out my cloak and put the corpse on it to avoid blood staining the floor. We want to leave as little trace of this as possible.
Tim (to Olaf): Yeah, bright idea there, killing him while his friends are waiting below.
Olaf: No matter! We just have to find a way to sneak him past them.
Tim: Yeah, well, if you have an idea, you better start talking.
Trosky: Why not just put halfling inside box? Box black and hard, people can't see insides.
Nayaire: ...Trosky, that was the best idea you've had in this whole thing. Just for that, I'm going to supress that thing I said earlier I'd do.
Trosky: Yay! Trosky not going to have his toes exter... extor... exti-thingy that sounded very painful! (of course, the word is "extirpated" :P)
---------------------------------------
DM: You find that the corpse doesn't fit inside the safebox.
Olaf: Damn!
Me: Wait a sec... I might be able to solve this. I dismember the corpse with my scimitar, and then roll Knowledge: Tetris to fit the pieces inside the box. Is a 18 enough?
----------------------------------------
Once the corpse has been fit inside the box, Trosky, being the biggest and strongest, is tasked with carrying it to the docks and throwing it in the sea. So picture it, a half-giant in a full plate carrying around a blood-dripping safebox on his back in classic Obelix style. The door to the Dock District is closed until next dawn.
Trosky: Let Trosky through! Trosky has to deliver package at dock!
Guard: Sorry, but we're gonna need to see the content then. There's been smugglers lately around here.
Everyone OOC: Crap. We didn't think of that.
DM: Which is rather surprising, given you've been pursuing those same smugglers for a week now
Me (OOC): Hey, you can't expect us to remember every organization we slaughter for money! The human brain has a limit of a few terabytes of information, you know!
----------------------------------------
Later, at the city hall...
DM: You see the chancellor (dunno how to translate the term, basically, the right hand of the guy in charge). He is dressed in luxurious clothes, and heads towards you with a perceptible disgust. Okay, who's going to speak?
Tim (OOC): Who has the highest Diplomacy modifier?
Me (OOC): That'd be me
DM: ...Am I the only one who finds the fact that the most diplomatic person in the party is a sociopathic druid who feeds his animal companion with choice bits of human children to be somewhat unsettling?
Me (OOC): Yep, pretty much :D
----------------------------------------
Anyway, we start talking:
Chancellor: So, what can you tell me about your... assignation?
Trosky: It be fun! We get to float inside of cages and carry boxes with little halfling in them!
Chancellor: Uh?
Nayaire: *hits Trosky in groin with staff* Please, give us a moment. *Takes Trosky behind a column and whispers to him*
Nayaire: Can you hear me, Trosky?
Trosky: *a bit greenish* Yes, Trosky hears
Nayaire: Okay, then listen to this. If you open your mouth again while we are inside this building, I'm going to create a mass of briars with foot-lenght thorns, animate it, then order it to repeteadly tentacle-**** you through every orifice in your body in such a painful way that the sickest of hentai will seem child's play in comparison. Did I make myself clear?
Trosky's player: O.O...Trosky whimpers and lays on the floor in fetal position, weeping silently in abject terror.
Nayaire: That will do.
Then he proceeds to go back to the chancellor.
DM: the man looks at you, and then at Trosky, completely dumbfounded by the sight of a 20-Str, 9-feet-tall Half-giant laying in the ground trembling.
Chancellor: ...Just what is going on here?
Nayaire: Nothing. Pay no attention to the oaf behind the column.
Gotta go now, tomorrow more ;).
I must say, your English is much better as a second language than many people who post here and type English as a first language.
At this point, Kelrin looks to the sky, and asks, with a perfectly straight face, "Dude, where's my lightning?"
Wait, as in The Eye of Agamotto?
I don't really know. He's an Easterner, at least, with a longcoat, and his title is the All-seeing. With a Spot check of +2 or so.
Also, one night I was very hyper, after eating a king-sized bag of Skittles and watching the Simpsons, so during a break I logged on to one of my online games and wrote the following. I was playing an elf archer/fighter in a dwarven stronghold, on a mission from the dwarf-king, and in the local alehouse I told the Legend of Creation:
In the dawn of time, three gods were walking down a road. They were destined to be the fathers of three races, but were to be tested to see what they would bring forth.
The three came to a dead horse, with a tail so beautiful that two of the Three wished to possess it somehow. The first had no wish for it, so walked on, unchanged, to become the forefather of the Elves, but the other two cut off the tail and fashioned beards with them, so that all could see the beautiful hair.
The two went on, until they came to a cave.
"I wonder what's in there?" Said one.
"The sunshine is better than the dark, and the foul air; I'll move on." Said the other, and went on to become the forefather of Men. But the last went into the cave, and called it a mine after he hit his mind on the roof. So he developed a thick skull, and a squat, short posture as he explored the cave.
He came to a crack in the wall of the cave, and put his eye next to it. Beyond the crack was a glimmering of yellow, that shone so brightly that the god craved it beyond all else. He tried to squeeze through the crack, and in doing so got himself even more filthy, and ruined his new, beautiful beard, so that it was ever tangled and had to be kept braided to maintain barest decency.
At last, he got through, after a week of straining through the crack, and found a tiny nugget of gold on the ground. Determined that it should not escape him again, he used his godly powers to shape it in the form of the god he still thought he was. Then, tired by his labors, he slept. In his sleep, he rolled over his statuette, and squashed it into ugliness that could not be undone. And this stupid, ugly oaf became the forefather of the Dwarves.
The only reason I survived was because we were on a very important mission from the king himself, and I was banned from ever returning to the dwarf-hold.
I don't really know. He's an Easterner, at least, with a longcoat, and his title is the All-seeing. With a Spot check of +2 or so.
Yeah, he reads comics.
Dr. Strange uses an amulet called the Eye of Agamotto to amplify his mystical powers.I must say, your English is much better as a second language than many people who post here and type English as a first language.
And the quotes are hilarious too!
"I can see you need help with this - that much is as clear as the lakes. Personally, I suggest you find someone more capable for the task. You have plenty of followers, why pick on an old man?"
"here and now, you're all there is. Am I to beg you for your aid? Must I remind you that you live on in this world only with my permission? This village, these hills, this life, you have them with my blessing - should it become a curse for us both, I can tear it all away from you, and I will if I must."
Now, he's obviously going out of line here, but Bill can tell it's no empty threat. So he turns around, smiling sadly, and goes to collect his gear, which he left back at home. As he leaves, he says one last thing-
"I never thought the day would come when you would begin to sound like your brother, my old friend."
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe heironeous has officially been megaburned.
Like others, I've held off on any stories of mine until I could read everyone else's, which were mighty and funny.
The (Limited) Adventures of Sir Ra'al the Uneven, His Royal Shortliness, the Skillet-Bearer
The Cast (2nd Ed):
Ra'al, a Male Gnome Thief
Sabrina, a Female Human Fighter
A Female Elf Ranger, whose name I can't remember
(I should note that Ra'al had an 18 Cha, normally, but a 20 Cha against characters of the opposite sex due to a random chart our DM had, which I rolled percentiles on.)
How Ra'al's High Charisma Resulted in Him Leading the Party.
DM: You go down the dark path through the forest. What's the marching order?
RA'AL: Sabrina, you go first, then I'll follow.
SABRINA: But you're so big and strong and brave! You should lead the way!
RA'AL (OOC): Dammit.
The Unexpected Royal Heritage of Ra'al
DM: As you walk down the dark forest path, an arrow whizzes over your head! You look around and see (rolls for number) 5 gnomes come out from the trees, all holding light crossbows.
RANDOM GNOME #1: Halt! Who are you?
SABRINA: This is Sir Ra'al, his Royal Shorliness! Why do you stop us?
RA'AL:
(OOC) What???SABRINA (OOC): Well, you're short, and I don't want to die.
RANDOM GNOME #1: The prophesies told of this!
ELF: Prophesies?
RANDOM GNOME #1: Yes, the prophesies told of a great royal gnome leading 2 women of different races that would rescue our people!
ALL GNOMES: Sir Ra'al, His Royal Shortliness! Lead us to freedom!
The Kiss
DM: The drapes are on fire what do you do?
RA'AL: Gnomes! Beat the drapes with our bags of gold!
ELF (OOC): What?
DM: The gnomes manage to put out the fire, but at the cost of the gold which goes flying everywhere, some of which are melted from the heat.
ELF: Why did you do that?!
RA'AL (OOC): I kiss the elf.
ELF (OOC): What?
DM: Roll a wisdom check to see if you accept the kiss and forget about the gold.
ELF: (OOC) Dammit. (IC)
The Permanent Limp
DM: You are all looking out on a courtyard, inside the keep's walls.
RA'AL (OOC): I step out.
DM: You get shot at by an arrow from the battlements (rolls) and are struck in your right foot, causing you to limp.
RA'AL (OOD): I limp back to safety.
ELF: Sir Ra'al the Uneven!
ELF AND SABRINA: His Royal Shortliness!
A Gnomish Frenzy, How 6 Gnomes Killed 20 Kobolds
DM: You hear the scream that sounds Gnomish. You peek around the corner and see the a gnome being tortured by Kobolds and tied to a table. The Ko-
RA'AL: CHHHAAAAARRRRRRGGGGEEEEEEE!!!!!!!
The Skillet-Bearer
DM: You're in the kitchen
RA'AL (OOC): I take a skillet.
ELF AND SABRINA:
RA'AL: Haven't you heard the prophesies about the royal gnome savior? I am he: Sir Ra'al the Uneven, His Royal Shortliness, the Skillet-Bearer!!!!
Sadly, I never did get to use the skillet in battle as I wanted to. I only got to play Ra'al a couple of times with my then girlfriend and her family.
I'm playing a halfling sorcerer with the Improved Familiar feat. My familiar is a giant eagle. In battle...
DM: You are behind a tree, and ahead of you your allies are hit by several arrows. What do you do?
Me: I cast Fly on myself, and (following my habit) I share it with my famil-- no, I'd rather not.
Everybody:
First major clash against the Binder's forces - the party is stopped outside town by an ambush - a mixed force of outsiders, along with a few tieflings and weak homebrewed (I think) constructs. Atleast, that's what it looks like at first, until two of the outsiders open a gate, bringing in piles of demons/devils/bizzaro homebrew pact-magic based monsters.
So... Bill sighs, grips his cane, and prepares to deal a whole lot of subdual... at that point, he hears a voice of reason in his head. That is, personal advice from heironeous - bear in mind that this is the god of valor speaking, he must've been desperate enough to stray from his code yet again so he would complete the mission (or rather, Bill would).
have you taken leave of your senses? You'll be butchered where you stand! Escape now, find some other way to defeat them!
"Codex of the Invincible, book two, page 62, line 5 - a true defender of the faith has no fear. I'm afraid you've got no one to blame but yourself for this one, old chap."
Must you, of all my followers, act the fool? Now? You will die for nothing! They will destroy you without a moment's thought!
At this point, Bill's new hobby springs out. A large contingent of bought and tamed Thoqquas, Bulettes, Xorns and more (the last ones were hired with various exotic alloys). That, and leadership got him a few more, alongside his tea ooze. They proceed to mow through the enemies, which are taken completely by surprise. They also take down the casters, and thus the gate and summoned fiends/binder monsters.
"Old man's ears... they leave me as deaf as a post these days... Would you mind repeating that?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Later, back at the main city, the party has accidentally discovered that the mayor has been assassinated, and the leader of the guild of merchants (a doppleganger) has taken his place. In other news, Bill's pipe has been stolen.
So... they stomp into the guild hall to sort him out (Bill's ticked off and a half - he really respected the mayor here), and Bill has the sense to warn all the members, telling them to evacuate - after all, there's an arcane caster about, things might get explosive.
So, they walk in there, and Bill sees the doppleganger smoking a rather familiar looking pipe (doubtless taken for being magical). he skips the niceties, looks him in the face, and says -
"You're under arrest for theft and arson. If you don't resist arrest, you may have a chance to bribe a judge or two and avoid execution."
The doppleganger is caught off guard (only by his remark, not his being there), and simply asks "theft and arson? how so?"
Bill stares at him for a moment, grabs the pipe, wrests it from him (stupidly easy opposed strength check), and activates it. The roof, wall, floor, and doppleganger go down in a cascade of powdered rubble. The blast wouldn't have killed him, but the falling mortar atleast drove him into unconciousness (he was stabilized and brought to prison afterwards).
Bill just looks at the mess, and as the doppleganger falls, he says flatly "well, you lit my pipe, didn't you?"
[Note: Sir Richard had done a couple "borderline" deeds during earlier adventures and though he didn't need Atonement, St. Cuthbert decided that until he could learn to behave, Sir Richard's warhorse would be a mule (or Warass, as it turned out). The mule was outfitted with Horseshoes of Thunder, but Sir Richard's player never seemed to remember that.]
As stealthily as an armored Paladin possibly can (which isn't much!) Sir Richard led his group through the yard and to the manor's double doors. The Rogues were with Thallion, so there wasn't going to be any lock picking going on. (*sigh* from the brave knight) Trying to sneak in quietly is NOT working, so Sir Richard gets on his noble Steed, rides up the steps to the door, and his mule rears up and clobbers the doors with his hooves, blowing it off the hinges! The knight rides to the center of the entry hall, rears the mule again, and shouts,
"I Am Richard Of Loftwick! Is Anyone Home?".
Play resumed about 20 minutes later...
Be well in all things,
Rave
I especially love Cuddles, the now-Sanctified Barbed Devil, and Raz the Rogue-Mage (style and flair!).
Now it is time to share with you all one of my stories.
Set Up: I'm playing 2E (I think it was 2E) with my old group (whom sadly I do not game with anymore). The line-up is as follows:
LG Human Paladin (can't remember name)
CE Human Thief, Dualled to Fighter (cannot remember name, patterned after The Joker from the older Batman comics)
TN Elf Wizard ("Batman" - kid you not, he named his character this. -.-)
CG Human Cleric (I wish I could remember the name)
We have just rescued the classic damsel in distress, who gifted the Paladin (18 Charisma), the Wizard (16 Charisma) and the Cleric (15 Charisma) with a kiss, but didn't give the Thief/Fighter anything (10 Charisma).
The Wizard, with his spells, has been making this OOC comment throughout the game: "I'm the friggin' Batman."
T/F: Man, this blows unholy chunks. Why do you guys get a kiss and I don't?
Paladin: Because we serve the greater good, and you, my sad, sad little friend, are a hideous, sociopathic blight that we are trying to redeem. As such, our valor deserves a kiss, and your brutality does not.
Wizard: Yeah, and Batman always gets the girl.
T/F: *draws Gond's Smoking Barrel, succeeds roll to stuff it in Wizard's mouth* Where does he get all those wonderful toys? *pull trigger - instant death as the Wizard's brains are blown out the back of his skull*
At which pointed the Wizard's player pelted me with a pencil. He deserved it :P
As the party file by The halfling rogue/priest looked to the vampire and said, "You look pale. You need a sun tan." Pandimonium broke. The same Halfling took a decanter of endless water, activate the 'geyser' option and bagan to hose the vampire down while sprinkling silver dust in it and blessing the water as it came out of the decanter.
In the end we had a cleansed, blessed vampire corpse.
DM: As you walk down the coridor you hear some tunefull noises which sound almost like singing. Does anyone speak draconic.
Me(Mage)(OOC): Um yes
DM: You understand the noises to be someone, not to badly, in draconic but some of the words sound slightly different to what are used to yet you can easily dicern what they meen
Me (OOC): So what's the voice singing.
DM: The song loses most of it's charm in translation but the lyrics translate in to common as
compleatly straight faced and almost monotonously) There are ten bottles of green glass siting upon a wall,
There are ten bottles of green glass siting upon a wall,
And in the ocasion of one of thease bottles accedently being knocked to the ground,
There shall be nine bottles of green glass sitting upon the wall.
(Much laughter from most of the party)
Me: I join in the singing
As a result of the following conversation where the Mages taches the dragon the common words to the song I was awarded a rather large amount of XP for "good roleplaying"
Dwarf: Toss me.
Me: What?
Dwarf: Toss me. I cannot jump the distance, you have to toss me!
:heehee
So I did, and the roll came up Nat 1. What a time for THAT number to appear.
Ah, God bless LOTR for spawning such great lines!
The party was in a large inn with a huge boisterous common room. It was 'open mic night' for the bards in the place and our bard - never to be out done - joined the competition. As he played the local favorite announced his arrival and the crowd cheered him on. The local bard had 4 very HOT, HOT, HOT babes on is arm.
Well, the 2 bards began a friendly conversation which ended in a wager. The local had a raucous ballad with his babes serving drinks to the patrons. When the married halfling of our group asked one for a drink. A saving throw was made and missed against the wiles of the bumox babe and the halfling became seriously enamored with the girl.
It came to our bards turn at the entertainment and won the wager. The party gathered around the table and the halfling charmer sat between the bard and halfling. As the evening went on the halfling chamer took both the bard and halfling with her upstairs. The halfling protested that he wasn't a freak and was quickly assured that there was more than enough to share - and the halfling was charmed, so he went anyway.
Fortitude check were made to check for ... ah ... stamina. The bard (MR. Lady's Man) missed the first one. The halfling made three before missing his.
When the two rejoined the party, the halfling pointed at the bard and shouted, "2-$+r0ke Charlie."
:OMG! The bard is now plotting the halfling's demise.
CG Xenril(me)- Halfling Sorcerer 4
CG(?) Nate-Human Rogue 1, Fighter 1, Ranger 2(I think)
? Terra-Half-Minotaur Goliath fighter or barbarian 2
NE Sune-Quicksilver Symbiote(homebrew template) Ranger 2
Sune became NE after horribly mutilating Cultist2 so that when Cultist1 woke up he would flip.
We had a game earlier tonight. We are early on in the Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil campaign and I used alchemists fire in the mill. For those of you familiar, you know why this is bad, for those of you who don't, the mill is filled with highly combustible dust. In short, big boom. We entered a cellar that some cultists had fled into, get down there, enter a room and find them in there. The interrogation ensues and Sune kept slashing them across the cheek to get them to talk.
Cultist2-Pathetic wretch, we will not speak of anything.
Xenril-Sune, let me take over.
Sune-Alright, but if I don't like your methods I'm taking over.
I/Xenril turns to Cultist2 and uses Ray of Flame, causing Cultist2 to writh on the floor in pain.
Sune-I do think I like your methods better than mine.
Combat ensued, the Cultist2 died while Cultist1 was knocked unconcious. Eventually he awakes and refuses to talk. Eventually Terra shows up in all his 14 1/2 ft tall glory and decides to only stick his head through the door cause he doesnt want to squeeze through. We had heard Terra singing before he stuck his head in and I had described Terra. Cultist1 was quite afraid, but still not talking.
Xenril-You know...Terra here once picked up an orc and tore his limbs off 1 by 1. Bluff check, I roll 22.
DM-You didn't have to roll, he believes you.
Terra-Ima make a Sense Motive.(Terra has 6 int) rolls 22
Terra-That wasn't an orc....it was an ogre.
*Terra pulls an ogre head out of his pocket*
party-:OMG!
Cultist1 still refused to talk and I started using Terra to threaten the cultist, but Terra kept interrupting, asking why we thought he was a bad man.
Xenril-He looks like a cultist and acts like a cultist...
Terra-....But what does he taste like?
No more lines from tonight, more next weekend.
~V1zharan~
Militia: Feminine Personality Warforged Fighter
Lyr: Changeling rogue
In my Eberron campaign, one of the recurring villains is Lord Astrad ir'Darbun, a petty noble of a holding in South Breland, who secretly heads the Breland division of the Order of the Emerald Claw. It was his schemes that brought the party together in the first place, as he tried to assassinate each of the PC's through his Emerald Claw minions to achieve his brother's mansion.
Anyway, he fails, and Astrad is now compromised, because he promised his superiors in the Blood of Vol that the manor of his brother would be theirs, but it now belongs to the PC's.
So, in this adventure he stages an elaborate plot to capture the PC's. He lets rumors slip that someone is preparing a doomsday machine that will negate the manifest zone to Syrania, making Sharn collapse in its own weight. The PC's follow his carefully planted clues, which eventually leads to the sewers under the city. After fighting through a few guards, they find themselves in an empty room, which when they've passed half-way across suddenly lowers itself, forming a pit of about sixty feet. Then Lord Astrad shows his face in person.
He stands at the edge of the pit, and stares down at the heroes. I sit silent for at least a whole minute, and at last Lyr says,
"Well?"
And Lord Astrad said, seeming to come out of his thoughts,
"Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting me to gloat? No, I was just studying your faces. I like to know what failure looks like, so I can avoid it."
And then he turns around, and another floor slides on top of the pit where the old one was, closing the PC's in.
I sit silent for at least a whole minute, and at last Lyr says,
"Well?"
And Lord Astrad said, seeming to come out of his thoughts,
"Hm? Oh, I'm sorry, were you expecting me to gloat? No, I was just studying your faces. I like to know what failure looks like, so I can avoid it."
And then he turns around, and another floor slides on top of the pit where the old one was, closing the PC's in.
That is freakin' awesome.
What's even more puzzling is that he is a bard. I never thought I could picture a bard villain, but Lord Astrad is one. With one level of aristocrat, of course.
In fact, he was STILL deceiving the players; he was looking at them so that he could disguise himself as one of them, and sign the manor over to himself.
What's even more puzzling is that he is a bard. I never thought I could picture a bard villain, but Lord Astrad is one. With one level of aristocrat, of course.
That's the Eberron I know and love all right! :D
The heroes take a few minutes to search through the wealth to find objects that might be useful in the upcoming fight, and finally Militia bangs down the door. We find that Lord ir'Darbun has assembled his troops in ideal strategic positions behind knocked over wooden tables, which they had been planning on, and has at least seven summoned monsters.
Lord Astrad says,
"Ah, I'm glad the wealth outside bought us enough time to prepare properly. Can't keep your hands to yourselves, can you?"
Battle commences. Eventually, the summoned creatures are beat down, or their duration expires, and the knights of the Emerald Claw are beaten back, and at last Militia trips Lord Astrad with her great-flail (by the way, on her character sheet, my sister wrote "Bam! Bang! Boom! Ow..." in the special notes of her heavy flail) and said,
"I don't care if you live or die, but Loressin says we should give everyone a chance to surrender. So surrender now, and we'll let you live and surrender you to the proper authorities."
Lord Astrad replies by attacking, (even from a prone position, with the penalty) and gets Militia square on 0 hp.
"You didn't say 'please!'" Lord Astrad said, getting to his feet again.
Eventually, he escaped by casting 'charm' on Militia to delay the rest of us (I'm DM'ing, and PC'ing Loressin as well) and using an invisibility potion.
"I electrocute a load-bearing zombie."
Okay. Generic bad-guys-raiding-village adventure, with the PC's going to kick their rears in a easy ol' 1st level adventure. One person is playing a fighter who is the town's blacksmith, toting a warhammer. On the way the PC's bump into a incoming raiding group of sneaky goblin critters.
The party were surprised, but they were lucky that the charge didn't reach them down the road. Next round one of 'em moves to engage the smith, and his first attack is a critical, felling the little thug in one good smack.
So I could only describe it as nothing short of smacking his head off somewhere into a field. And of course, the obvious lept in.
'FORE!'
Reminds me of The Church of The SubGenius' ritual launching of "The Bleeding Head of Arnold Palmer"
First Day: I show up and theres alot of people in the room. As in, the DM, me, and 6 other players for a first level game. Its a combination of teaching people the game along with a longer running campaign. So I take a seat, and I ask what everybody is playing.
DM: Ok, I'll go around. We have an Elf, a Half elf, another two Elves, another Half-elf, and a pair of humans.
Me: So that leaves me with only one choice. Ok then, I'll be the Dwarf.
One of the Other players (I havent really gotten their names memorised yet): Wait, why do you have to play a Dwarf? Why cant you play another Elf or something?
Me: *Oy?! Dontcha Knew that wheen ya have a grupe o' elves, ya have ta have sume-tin that ain't a Panzy?
First Mission: Clear out a graveyard where a Necromancer had made a bunch of zombies. Basicly your common first level adventure. So we're walken up to the gates, which are old, and there's about 8 Zombies on the inside, and the gate looks *shaky*. The Sorceror decides he wants to use Burning Hands to fry some Zombies, so I ready an action:
Durkon Thunderaxe (Me): I ready an action to charge the Zombies that come through the gate after the Sorcerer uses his spell.
DM: Ok, so the Sorcerer scorches the zombies, and the ruined gateway is severly weakoned, and the zombies pour forth! Ok, roll your attack Durkon.
Me: Ok, powerattacking, partial charging, ok, 18 should hit, and ... 20 Damage.
DM: Um...
Me: Max damage on a D12.
DM: You know, these things should survive multiple hits, they are Zombies..
Me: And I'm a Dwarf, every hit of mine is like 3 hits from an elf, so everything works out fine.
The Elves: Hey!?
After all of the Zombies are cleared out, we look around, and I see a bunch of Stone Sarcoughagai, so I decide to check for loot...
Elven Paladin: Hey! You should not defile graves!
Me: But what if there are any Undead within these tombs? We were ordered to find and destroy all undead in this graveyard, what if there are undead in here and it later breaks free and kills some defensless widow after were gone?
DM: Ok, roll bluff and Sence motive checks.
EP: I got a 9.
Me: I got a 20.
DM: ...Ok, the paladin believes whatever you say. So you can open the Sarcoughagai now. As you look inside, you see no undead, just a heavely decayed skeleton. Do you close the Sarcoughagai after you look?
Me: Why?
DM: *Blinks a few times*
EP: I'll close them after he looks.
Me: Ok, so I open up the rest of the Sarcoughagai.
DM: Ok, in the last one you find what appears to be the body of a local merchants deceased wife. On her body are a few rings and a necklass, along with an undamaged, undecayed veil over her face.
Me: Ok, I take all of that, shoving the gems and the veil into my backpack.
DM: What!? (Elvish Paladin), are you going to just stand there while he defiles and STEALS from a grave!?
EP: Um, could you put those back. You really shouldnt defile the dead like that.
Me: Riigghhtt...well, let me put it like this. Chances are, we're going to be facing some strong opposition in the underground tombs. What if one of us falls and dies? Do YOU have the ability to raise them from the dead? Do you have enough gold to pay someone to do it for you? We will be faced with death many times, so we have to start building a reserve now so that when one of us falls we will be able to bring them back from the dead so that we can continue with our glorious quests.
DM: *Sighs* Ok, Bluff and sence motives again, but this time the Paladin gets a +4 bonus to his check because this seems like a lame excuse to rob graves.
EP: I get a 20 total!
Me: Natural 20 gives me a 21...*Grins*
DM: *Stares Daggers at me* Ok, (EP) You believe that he is sincere about the party fund to resurrect fallen party members. So, Durkon, do you close the lid this time? Whats your Allignment anyway?
Me: I'm Neutral Evil. I like to further my and the parties goals, even if its above normal moral grounds. And no, why should I cover the corpse, the merchant might want to make sure that his wife wasnt killed in the zombie invasion.
More to come later, but I really should get some work done.
DM: *Sighs* Ok, Bluff and Sense Motive again, but this time the Paladin gets a +4 bonus to his check because this seems like a lame excuse to rob graves.
EP: I get a 20 total!
Me: Natural 20 gives me a 21...*Grins*
DM: *Stares Daggers at me* Ok, (EP) You believe that he is sincere about the party fund to resurrect fallen party members.
I detest adjudicating party conflicts with die rolls.
I detest adjudicating party conflicts with die rolls.
I would normally agree, but when it's something like THAT, I would definitely play it out the same way.
And Doklahar, those were really great, lol. Thank you for that
I detest adjudicating party conflicts with die rolls.
I think bluff/sense motive is an exception. But only to sense truth of a statement.
If a player chooses though, I wouldn't have an issue with the player using die rolls to judge his actions. Sometimes it's hard to imagine how convincing the character would be and how gullible your guy is.
Anyway, to continue from before.
So we've cleared out the top of the cemetary, and so we move down a spiralling staircase into the catacombs. We move into the room at the bottem, and there are 3 doors. So the group decides to split up. Turns out my character goes off with the Human Fighter (The other experianced player) and the Elven Sorceror.
We go through a few rooms, not finding much, until the sorceror rounds a corner and 20ft down is an Orcish Zombie, haning in the air! The player of the Human fighter looks at the DM, his draw drops open, and he starts cracking up. He's obviously seen this up-comming encounter before, but I havent. The Sorceror yells out for help, so I go running around the corner, greataxe at the ready, charge forward at the floating Zombie....
And Run into an almost completly invisable Gelatinous Cube. And I do mean "into". My next coment was,
Me: "Wow! I'ma Pinapple Chunk!"
So then the battle is on! I'm inside the thing, slashing at it with my axe, as the mage casts a Burning hands on the thing.
Me: Wait, shouldnt that affect me as well?
DM: Your in Geletan, no, it absorbs all of the heat. Now, Major (Human Fighters Player), its your turn.
Human Fighter: Ok, I'm gonna run up and stab it with my guissarm.
Elven Sorceror: Wait, could that effect Durkon?
Me: *In very poorly copied DM's voice* Durkons in Geletan, no, it absorbs all of the stab. Now, Durkons Turn...
DM: *Glares*
Me: Ok, so I'm gonna slash at it again...
So eventually we kill it, after it engulfs the Sorceror and the Fighter as well, so we start looking around for any Loot, and we find a few things, including a necromancer acolytes robe which hasnt rotted away in the wet conditions, and a package of swords, obviously for arming zombies or skeletons.
The other half of the party which split off also had a tough fight with a Bugbear Zombie, but they found the Necromancers Spellbook, and a note to the Necromancer from a neighboring towns mages guild telling him to come to our town and raise zombies and kill people (Hmm, I wonder where our next groups adventure is going to take place...Raiding a mages guild sounds good right about now...)
So the party meets back up at the enterence to the last door. The Rogue checks for traps, but right before he opens the door, I see a little twinkle in the DMs eye...so I had to move fast.
Me: Hold it, rogue, are you sure you didnt find any traps?!
Elven Rogue: Yeah, I didnt find any.
Me: Ok then, everybody stand back, I'm gonna open the door, just incase the Rogue missed a trap or something. I'm the one who is most likely to live through a trap, so I should be the one who gets in danger.
Everybody: Agreement all around, except from the DM, who looks almost dissapointed that he has to spring the trap on the Barbarian, expecting me to panic less than the rogue would.
Me: Ok, I'm gonna use the key to unlock the door, then pull it open.
DM: Ok, behind it is a chambre filled with about a Dozen Skeletons, who look up at you hungerly and begin to move towards you.
Me: I close the door.
Thats it for the memorial things from this last group, now I have to wait till Wednesday again to get some more.
"I told you to watch your back. Now look. You've gone and got it impaled on my dagger."
Me: Ok, I'm gonna use the key to unlock the door, then pull it open.
DM: Ok, behind it is a chambre filled with about a Dozen Skeletons, who look up at you hungerly and begin to move towards you.
Me: I close the door.
Thats it for the memorial things from this last group, now I have to wait till Wednesday again to get some more.
One time, I was playing one-on-one with my sister, me DM'ing and playing a human wizard (called Marmandus), and she playing a gnome barbarian (called Ferdy). We were going through the map the Dungeon Master's Guide included, rolling random encounters and such until we got tired of it, or until Crigg (my older sister) finished what she was doing.
Anyway, after a tough encounter using up Ferdy's rage, I wind up rolling randomly a pair of gricks. When Ferdy opens up the door, he sighs and begins to wade in, but Marmandus pulled him back and shut the door, and pulling Ferdy behind him (great Constitution, but not very good grapple checks) down the corridor to safety.
after the game:
Gnome Cleric to Assimar Paladin: You could have casted Daylight when we fought the Kobolds, they have Light Sensitivity.
Half-Orc Fighter: They also had Steel Sensitivity!
Me: "Look at the name of this spell, 'Rainbow Blast'"
Ian (The DM): (Serious voice) "The Church of Cuthbert does not condone 'Rainbow Blast'"
Me:
Ian: "No, no, wait... then this elf comes up and says (flamboyantly/mincingly-->) 'Well Corellon does, sailor. You can 'Rainbow Blast' me whenever you want'"
Me:
"Yeah, that's Corellon alright......"---
Monk: Hm... with my... Uber-alchemy-skills...I think of a theory... um... well, there are infinite small parts! And those can be split... or divided... whatever...
DM: I guess he wants to invent a nuclear bomb in the year 597.
Rogue: I'm off.
Actually, if you'll look at the Periodic Table of Elements, you'll see that EXACTLY this kind of thinking is appropriate to "Uber-alchemy", as what he's describing, in addition to being, in one interpretation, the principle behind the atom bomb, is also an accurate (except for the "infinite" part) description of precisely what must be done to change lead (atomic number 82) into gold (atomic number 79), and that's, historically, one of the ultimate goals of alchemy.......
"I told you to watch your back. Now look. You've gone and got it impaled on my dagger."
That.... that's brilliant. Wow.
That.... that's brilliant. Wow.
Thank you very much. I learned from the best. Where is Rickiel, anyway? He hasn't had any Rogue Mage escapades likely. Although his stories in the Once Upon a Time section are pretty good.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bill sighs, and looks into his opponent's eyes, speaking softly, almost whispering.
"You thought of everything. Thought of a counter to every last thing that could go wrong. I find myself here, speaking to a man who brought the very gods to their knees. And yet, for all that, there is one thing you forgot, so insignificant that you overlooked it."
The Binder smiles, amused by the death knight, mocking him.
"And what would that be, god-slave?"
The cane in the paladin's hands rises toward his enemy's head at unearthly speeds, smashing into his shoulder, then his head, then his knee. Each strike is accompanied by the sound of bones cracking, and at the end of the flurry, the Binder falls to the ground, alive, but unconcious.
"Just one tired old man, boy. Just one tired old man..."
Leaving those words hanging in the air, Bill turns to the spirits surrounding the mountain of ash, speaking to them.
"So, it's happening... This world is no place for you spirits, nor will it ever be, but I can offer you a choice. Return to the void that you came from, or leave this world. Leave to the hells, if that is what you wish. Leave to the heavens, and I'll be sure to save you the space most of you deserve. The choice is yours, and it is not one you will be given twice."
At that moment, a peal of thunder splits the heavens, and a colossal bolt of lightning sings through the air, impacting with the mountain's surface in a shower of smoldering dust. In the space where it landed is a young man in golden platemail, an aura of almost palpable rage about him, his hand holding a longsword that resembles a bolt of lightning. he speaks in a pure, yet furious voice that echoes through out the mountain, hammering into the ears of all around.
"You dare allow these abominations into Celestia? Do you not know what it means to be there? These are beings who have defied the gods and gone beyond existence - whatever their reasons, they cannot be allowed to reside anywhere but in the void where they belong. First, you almost force me to beg on my knees, and then you willingly, knowingly disobey my will, and defy the one code that all gods abide by?
What must I do? What will you do next? If this is only the beginning, how long will it take before you seek to destroy all that I stand for? Must I take your life, your place in this world away? Where will this end? Must I live in fear of betrayal?"
The wooden holy symbol that hangs from the paladin's neck twists and changes form, until it bears an uncanny resemblance to the symbol of hextor - a black iron gauntlet grasping a bundle of arrows. he thrusts it angrily into his god's face, his voice tinged with both anger and sadness.
"Is this what you will do? Is this what you will turn yourself into, the monster that you will become to shield yourself from a threat that exists only in your mind? Your code asks for justice, and that is what I gave them."
his voice is almost a whisper now, as he repeats "I gave them justice, not a madman."
"Be that as it may, I will do what I must. If I am to change as you say, than I will accept that as a necesasry price. Some things simply must be done, whatever the cost may be."
The death knight's hand flies through the air, slapping across his god's face , driven by sadness and desperation. though many years have passed since he last lived, tears roll down his face.
"Who are you? Who speaks these words? Who are you to say these things? These are the words of a demon, a madman, not the friend I once knew. You blind yourself with nothing more than your own light, and all for what? All to shield yourself from a danger only you can see... If you are the friend that I remember, than show yourself! If not... if you are not, than it is time I bid farewell to the monster you have become."
Slowly, heironeous nods, bowing his head, and begins to fade away, returning to Celestia. When he is gone, Bill's holy symbol slowly begins to change back to the form of the Invincible's white fist, grasping a bolt of lightning. The paladin smiles sadly, and whispers into empty air, perhaps to himself.
"Just one tired old man, too insignificant to notice. And yet, maybe, when even the gods themselves can do nothing more than watch helplessly, that's all it takes..."
So... the party is eating dinner before camping for the night, said meal was cooked by Bill. Earlier that day, Bill used a feat of his (Rebalanced Paladin stuff) to do area cold subdual damage against a bunch of demons and stuff that they were attacked by. It was pretty late in the fight, so they all went down, shortly before Bill got the wizard to cast a Dismissal spell. The party was, ofcourse, pretty impressed by Bill suddenly bringing out some mass cold damage.
So... after the meal.
"So, how did you do it?"
"Some rabbit meat, a bit of venison, a few herbs - oregano really does the trick - some carrot, and a bit of salt. That, and good, clean water."
"No-o... I meant that blizzard thing you did earlier."
"Oh, that? Well, it would be pretty embarassing if I was on the job for over a century and didn't learn so much as a trick or two, wouldn't it now?"
Moral of the story: Making holy blizzards is easy. A good stew? Now that takes skill.
We accepted a quest to obtain the skull of a dead Jann from a Frost Giant for the Jann's brother. We reached the giants cliff-side castle and was stopped at the entrance by a group of wolves. Our Druid made them relax and not attack us, but they still wouldn't let us past. So the Warlock, with his Flight and Invisibilty, snuck in through a high window and snuck out with the skull before anyone's the wiser.
As we are leaving, my Character's urge to pet the soft doggies became too much to contain. I scooped one of the wolves up (which happened to be a puppy) and proceded to pet it. This broke the calming effect the Druid had put on the wolves and they began to howl at me, alerting the Frost Giant. He chased us from his castle and now we were running along a ledge on a high cliff, the giant behind us the whole way:
DM: He's still chasing after you. It seems like you have something he wants.
Warlock: There's no way he saw me, it can't be the Skull!
Druid: He probably wants his Wolf pup back!
Stab: Wait, so big blue bad guy only chase us for puppsies?
Druid: Yes!
Stab: So if we not have puppsies, angry ice man not try to stabificate me?
Group: YES!
Stab: Alrighty. Bye bye, puppsies. *tosses Wolf cub over the cliff*
Group:
Sure enough, the Giant was too shell-shocked that I had thrown his pet into a deep ravine to keep chasing us. It changed my alignment to Neutral Stupid.
So the party had just finished a small dungeon crawl and was on its way back to town for resupply before we hit one of the other 5 dungeons in the area that needed clearing out, when we were ambushed by a group of 10 fully armed and armored knights. (story hook)
Near the end of the battle Halus was down to one spell scroll that had a 10% chance of working, a modified Fireball. (max damage, twice the size, we had found it in the dungeon.) And was running to get far enough away to cast it at the 3 remaining badly wouned knights that were chasing him.
After running for 5 rounds...
Halus: (ooc) are they still chasing me?
Dm: yes they are 10 feet from you.
Halus pulls out the scroll yelling: 'Don't make me use this!'
Dm: The knights ignore your yell and continue chasing.
Halus: 'I warned you' stops running and uses the scroll (ooc) what do I need to roll to see if this works?
Dm: Any group of 10 on a d100 just let me know before you roll, and the knights get 1 attack each before the spell works if it does.
Halus: (ooc) ok I choose 50-59... Rolls... Yes!!! 51
Dm: Three knights attack.... Rolls... One hit..... 12 damage, how much health do you have left?
Halus: 1 hp left
DM: any last words?
Halus: bleeding profusely holds the now flaming scroll. 'This crater will be called Halus pond.'
Back at the rest of the party.
DM: you are all hit by a concussion of air and hear the deafening sound of an explosion. looking across the field you see a massing ball of fire where Halus was just standing.
Tay: 'Oh Halus I will write an epic tale of your bravery.'
Bradwarden: 'well we might as well go over there and see whats left.
Coming to the crater. we begin looking for some piece of Halus so I can reincarnate him. Kelvan find a few pieces of body parts but nothing can be identified as Halus.
Picking through the pile Bradwarden hold up a finger bone. 'I can rebuild him Stronger, faster, and furrier than before!'
After being reincarnated as a monkey.
Dm: Halus you open your eyes to see Bradwarden looking down on you. as your eyes start to focus you realize that his face looks huge compared to before.
Halus: 'what happened?'
Bradwarden: 'you killed three of the knights but I had to reincarnate you.'
Halus: 'Oh no I'm not a kitten am I?'
Bradwarden: 'no no Tay bring your mirror over here, here look your a monkey'
Halus checks out his new body. 'I like it!' scampers up bradwarden's body to rest on his head. 'I am now your animal companion, Forward my ugly steed!'
In the middle of the night, I roll up a random encounter and do a hidden Listen roll for the dwarf.
[Me]You hear the sound of heavy footsteps, somewhere outside the glow of your campfire.
[Dwarf]I get up and give the cleric a kick on the rump, then I grab a piece of wood from the campfire for a torch and take a few steps towards the sound.
[Me]The sound is drawing nearer *rolling dice* .. and you hear the sound of slow, heavy breathing.
[Dwarf]I look to make sure the cleric is awake, then I walk closer towards the sound.
[Me]As you're looking into the darkness, you see two glowing orbs, very eye-like, staring intensely at you from behind some bushes.
[Dwarf](puffs his chest out at me) I stare intensely back!!
[Me]Make a fortitude save.
[Dwarf]What? *rolls dice* Erm, I got 3 on the dice.
[Me]For a brief instant, you feel a tingle all over your skin, then everything goes black.
[Me](To the cleric) You see a stone statue just outside the camp. It looks like a familiar dwarf...
Sometimes it's too funny being a DM
I had to hold back my laughter when he did his Stare intensely back thing. Another lesson learned My character's name is Victor, 7'10" Half Giant Barbarian who lugs a large Icey Bastard sword and his companion is Andy a freakishly tall Sun elf with a cocky attitude and magic to back it up.
We just finished building a city inside a Mythal that we have discovered and Andy and I claimed as our own, after we kicked the owner out of it. (Killed him) Anyways, a few things go on politically and we receive word that our appointed governer has befriended a drow. That didn't side well with Andy. So we head into the chambers where we find Geoff (the governer) sitting at a table with a drow. The Drow stands up frantically along with Geoff.
Geoff-What is the meaning of this?!?!
Drow- Yes what are you doing here!? (He then sees Andy and scowls at him)
Victor- To kill you. (smiles)
As soon as those words are spoken Andy releases a phantasmal killer on the unsuspecting drow (the Drow botches both saves) and he falls dead. Geoff stares at us scared out of his mind to see nothing more but a huge man charge him and split him in two. After this is done Andy looks over at me a nods.
Andy- Now didn't we hear something about a Drow army?
Victor- I only heard "What is the meaning of this" and "Yes what are you doing here."
Andy- Ah.
So we start walking outside, Geoff on my shoulder. The people start booing really loud at the sight screaming "what did you do to Geoff, he didnt deserve that!" and such. Andy replies "Don't worry we will resurrect him, we aren't done with him." The people yell, "You guys are sick!"
Well after raising him, we question him about an army coming, we work the words from him (a.k.a. Victor Interrogates well) and we head out to the edge of our Mythal after Andy tries to set it to allow no drow in. We found out too that the drow we killed already was merely a peon sent to deliver messages and wasn't worth much to the rest of the drow. After we get outside of the Mythal, we see 200ft away from us what looks to be an army consisting of 3 Frost Giants, 6 Ogre Barbarians at least 60 orc, 20 Goblins and 40 Drow. The stop the 200 ft away and one drow in what looks to be prestigious clothing starts to stride towards us.
Drow- So we already know you killed our messenger, really it didn't set too well with us, but we are willing to over-look it as long as we are compisated yearly.
Andy- And what is it that you want?
Drow- 200,000 gold a year?
Andy's eyebrow raises as he looks next to his hulking parnter, his Ice sword already in hand.
Andy- That much huh?
Drow looks at me, as I stand there no expression staring down at him.
Drow- Yes, that much.
Andy- Kill him
DM-You guys really shouldn't do that
Victor-Wizard told me to do it, so I will.
I swing and kill the Drow one hit. I hear a shocking gasp come from some townspeople and the army. I smile, Andy smiles, we walk back to the Town casual and await the approach. (Telescoped, we win that fight by far, Victor and Andy Slaughtering basically DM was very surprised by my massive strength score)
After the fight, as Andy and I stand victorious, I look at Andy as he gives me a curious look wondering what I am thinking. I laugh and say:
Me- I didn't make the rash and dumb move this time to start all of this! :D
In my group's current campaign, I play a Lizardfolk Fighter named Stavion Boulderfort the Third. But since he has an intellegence of 6, he just calls himself Stab.
We accepted a quest to obtain the skull of a dead Jann from a Frost Giant for the Jann's brother. We reached the giants cliff-side castle and was stopped at the entrance by a group of wolves. Our Druid made them relax and not attack us, but they still wouldn't let us past. So the Warlock, with his Flight and Invisibilty, snuck in through a high window and snuck out with the skull before anyone's the wiser.
As we are leaving, my Character's urge to pet the soft doggies became too much to contain. I scooped one of the wolves up (which happened to be a puppy) and proceded to pet it. This broke the calming effect the Druid had put on the wolves and they began to howl at me, alerting the Frost Giant. He chased us from his castle and now we were running along a ledge on a high cliff, the giant behind us the whole way:
DM: He's still chasing after you. It seems like you have something he wants.
Warlock: There's no way he saw me, it can't be the Skull!
Druid: He probably wants his Wolf pup back!
Stab: Wait, so big blue bad guy only chase us for puppsies?
Druid: Yes!
Stab: So if we not have puppsies, angry ice man not try to stabificate me?
Group: YES!
Stab: Alrighty. Bye bye, puppsies. *tosses Wolf cub over the cliff*
Group:
Sure enough, the Giant was too shell-shocked that I had thrown his pet into a deep ravine to keep chasing us. It changed my alignment to Neutral Stupid.
This is so wrong in so many different ways but I must admit I cannot stop laughing.
During the first dungeon they went through as a group (after being together for about 2 days), the level 3 fighter got captured by the BBEG and was interrogated non-stop for several hours while the rest of the party tried to find him.
The interrogation went something like this:
BBEG: Who is your leader?
L3F: Um ... I'm not sure ...
BBEG: Who is your benefactor?
L3F: Uh ... you?
We laughed for a while at that. The BBEG eventually killed the poor sap, just as the party ran in to rescue him. So sad. The Fighter ran in, screaming, "No! You killed What'shisname!" More laughing ensued.
BOTTIS: "So, hyu need a guard, eh?"
PLAYER: "Yep."
BOTTIS: "Loyal, reliable..."
PLAYER: "Yep."
BOTTIS: "Naschty..."
PLAYER: "Oh, yeah."
BOTTIS: "Expendable."
PLAYER: "Preferably."
BOTTIS: "I've got jus' da theeng..." Bottis ducks under the counter. "THE DIRE CHIHUAHUA!"
PLAYER: "...Not quite THAT expendable."
~
PLAYER: "How about something that can scout ahead and tell me what it finds?"
BOTTIS: "Well, de parrot-monkey didn' work out so well. Eet was fine until eet developed a taschte for banana crackers."
PLAYER: "What?"
BOTTIS: "Wouldn' eat anything else. Died a week later."
PLAYER: "Why?"
BOTTIS: "Do hyu know how hard eet is to find someone in this city dat stocks banana crackers?!"
~
PLAYER: "Okay, okay. How about something I can use as a distraction in combat?"
BOTTIS: "Yis! I jus' finished dis one. I call eet... de ROCKET-POWERED TURBO SLUG!"
Dramatis Personae:
Morrigan Hale - Lvl 11 Human Cleric/Malconvoker of St. Cuthbert
Gabriels - Lvl 11 Human Rogue/Swashbuckler (de facto leader)
Reg Balthazar - Lvl 10 Elf Warmage (with bad british accent!)
Karen - NPC Woman with missing son
Set up:
Gabriels is talking to Karen about her missing son. Earlier in the game (a few sessions ago) our group had discovered that the Church of Pelor had kidnapped her son and hidden him away because of his dabbling in Pact Magic. My warmage, Reg, was new, my Paladin/Grey Guard having died the previous session (re: Pin Cushion). So Reg is coming into this with no previous knowledge.
Karen: Do you have any new information on my son?
Gabriels: We've been looking but...
Reg (to Morrigan): Her son is missing? Who took him?
Morrigan: Church of Pelor. Couple of weeks ago he went missing.
Reg: So let me get this straight. The Church of Pelor, a generally positive force in this society, came by one night, snatched up this kid for no reason and has locked him away somewhere hidden, and then proceeded to cover it all up?
Morrigan: Yeah.
Reg: Well, that doesn't sound very pious to me...
Druid Priestess: Why would I have any Oil, I use the magic of the forest to light my home.
Human Rogue raised by halflings: Grammy Lightfoot always used to say just because you can scratch your ass with Magic doesn't mean you have to.
BOTTIS: "So, hyu need a guard, eh?"
PLAYER: "Yep."
BOTTIS: "Loyal, reliable..."
PLAYER: "Yep."
BOTTIS: "Naschty..."
PLAYER: "Oh, yeah."
BOTTIS: "Expendable."
PLAYER: "Preferably."
BOTTIS: "I've got jus' da theeng..." Bottis ducks under the counter. "THE DIRE CHIHUAHUA!"
PLAYER: "...Not quite THAT expendable."
Take a Jaegermonster point.
"So... uh... d'ya need a minute?"
"I, *huff* will *puff* flense the flesh *huff* from your bones *puff*"
"Really... cause you kinda look like you need to lie down for a while. Don't sit down by the way, you'll get a cramp."
"When I catch you *huff* you will scream for death. *puff*"
"Well, gee, that sounds fun but I'm going to have to keep running. Er, you want anything before I leave? Glass of water?"
"You *huff* will not be so glib *puff* when I have you over a fire pit human!"
"Well, okay, er, try to keep your back straight by the way, it'll help to get rid of the stitch in your side. See ya."
I cast pass without trace and took off running once more. He never did get me over that pit :D.
This event takes place a few sessions later. The party was clearing out a huge dungeon that consisted of pretty much an entire mountain, and we had just reached the last part the upper floors. For a few levels the corridors started to get bigger and bigger until we got to areas where the walls were 100ft apart in the hallways. we had just arrived at the treasure room when we heard a huge roar.
Bren (dwarf fighter): 'That sounded like a dragon'
Demitri (halfling thief): 'yup definitely like a dragon' OOC 'I hide' rolls nat 20
DM: you all start to feel the room shacking.
Halus (Monkey sorcerer): 'uhh considering the size of this area I would have to say its a pretty big dragon and we are all pretty weak right now I say we run.'
Party: 'agreed'
DM: you all feel one last loud crash and see behind you an enormous red dragon.
Kelvan (human cleric): 'Scatter'
The entire party runs in different directions and Halus was ridding on Tay at that time so Bradwarden (me) ended up running down a hallway with the dragon chasing me. (DM wanted my character dead but wanted to do it fairly.)
Bradwarden (Centaur Druid/ranger) OOC 'how fast is it catching up to me'
DM: rolls... very fast he will get to you in 3 rounds.
Bradwarden: OOC 'hmm red dragons are weak to ice, I pull out Glaciers might and 6 arrows from my bag of holding. (Glaciers might is my specially wish granted Composite long bow that is made for a centaur, The arrows are the size of javelins and do d20 damage. It is also massively ice enchanted d20 as well. The DM made the bow when I wished and a few wishes later my character ended up with one for every element.) And turn to face the dragon.
DM: roll initiative, rolls you win so you get to act first then the dragon reaches you to attack.
Bradwarden: 'If I have to die I will die fighting' ooc 'I use multi-shot to fire all six arrows, in pairs.'
DM: ok lets see you roll.
Bradwarden: ok, rolls, yes Nat 20's for the first 2, now for the confirm, Nat 20's again, we still playing the multiplier goes up by 1 for every 20 right?
DM: yes yes let see how far you get.
Bradwarden: ok
After five more rolls of 20's I finally rolled a 17, and 19. not enough to crit again but enough to confirm 2 arrows at x10 crit.
DM: damn that was lucky rolls now lets see you damage for the arrows.
Bradwarden: rolls,
uhh I got 20's again for the normal damage, lets see the ice rolls uhh Justin (the dm) take a look for yourself.DM: 'no you didn't you got 20's again
let me see those dice'. He rolls the dice a few times rolling low then hands them back to me ok lets add it up 200 normal damage for each arrow and 400 hundred Ice for a total of 1200 damage with two attacks. DM: the arrows hit each of the dragons eyes with frost spreading around the eye sockets, the dragons head snaps back and falls to the ground with a crash.
DEAD Bradwarden: putting the arrows and bow away, and pulling out his skinning and other craft tools. 'your going to make one hell of a jacket.':D
I later had Bren make me a suit of full platemail from the dragon hide and we used the skull to make a wagon.
Take a Jaegermonster point.
Point taken with much gusto! ^_^ Bottis is the only Jager I've ever put into a D&D game... mostly because the accent hurts my throat if I do it for more than ten minutes at a stretch.
After a bar worker called our gnomish barbarian short.
Alphonse: I run across the room and tackle him.
DM: You run across the room, leaping the bar in one swift jump, and send the eight-year old Bobby flying across the room, into a wall. He collapses unconscious.
Alphonse's player: Eight?
DM: Eight.
Alphonse's player: He had it coming.
----------
I don't actually roll on the floor laughing, but that had me reeling in my seat, crying with glee.
Some from me now.
Eberron game; level 2 party of Half-elf rogue, Gnome Rogue, Human Psi-warrior, Human Cleric, Dwarven Dragon Shaman, and a Human Soulknife.
The party had dispatched a goblin raiding party, and one goblin surrendered.
Goblin: Me gives up!
Dwarf: Right then. You'll just tell us everything you know about [quest destination], and we might let you live.
Goblin: Well, it's beautiful in the sunset, and we've really made over the place to be quite homely and inviting.
Dwarf:
Goblin: When we first moved in, it was dingy. Cobwebs and spiders everywhere... (gobbo keeps going on about the better-homes-and-gardens mountain stronghold).
Dwarf to cleric: This one's obviously got nothing for us... maybe you could help the psy-warrior gather the fallen and preside over their last rites?
Dwarf player: I'd like to sense motive on the greenskin. I think he's yanking our chains and will raise the alarm as soon as he has a chance.
Psy-warrior player: I search and pile up bodies... loudly.
DM: Yeah, you're pretty sure he's just telling you what you want to hear until he can escape or warn his pals.
Dwarf to goblin: Your home sounds wonderful. I bet with setting sun it'd be beautiful. Hey... could you point it out on the horizon for me?
Goblin: Oh yes! It's right over--
Dwarf player: I make it look like the goblin attacked me...
DM: But... His head is everywhere!
Dwarf player: ...maybe put his jaw around my forearm?
DM: Ok...
Dwarf: It.. err... Attacked me!
Gnome rogue: I save some goblin brains!
DM:
Come again?Gnome rogue: I scoop up some goblin brains in a pouch.
Party:
Gnome rogue: I'll cook them and eat 'em later.
Party:
And he does eat the brains later, but he only mentions cooking the brains that he eats. He also saves some brains in his pack for a future meal. When we finally arrive at our destination (2 days later), we are offered some dwarven ale to ease our weary bodies. No one rejects it, but...
Gnome Rogue player: I pull out some goblin brains and marinate them in the beer, then take a big bite.
Party:
!!!DM: Ok, you do. The next thing you know, everything that was in your stomach is flying out of your mouth.
Gnome Rogue player: Huh? Why?
DM: You just ate uncooked goblin brains that have been kept in the sweltering heat for two days.
DM: Also, reflex saves from the party. Ok, you all avoid his breath weapon.
Dwarf: Gimme that! Tis a crime to waste such fine vintage on someone who would abuse it so... .
Two days later, in the goblin's stronghold:
Dwarf to hobgoblin: Where's the shitter! Where's the shitter! I've got the runs!
Hobgoblin:
Lucious (lvl 3 Sorc, 18 years old hellbent on becoming a lich and emulating Richard from lfg)
Maru (lvl 3 Ranger, 30 years old, lived in a two-room house for 5 years after getting kicked out of town)
Lucious runs into Maru's plot and ponders resting up there, after nearly passing out, he's shunted into the house to get some rest because the ranger heard some noises.
DM : Make a spot check Maru.
Maru : (gets like a 24)
DM : You see 3 green Formians with Dragonic features.
Maru : (Looking back into his house) Boy, what the HELL did you bring out here?
After a vicious fight with the formians, Maru pegging them down pretty easily (this guy crits like none other)
Maru's Player: How long will it take to get my clothes and stuff out of my house and get moving?
DM : Amout 5 minutes if you work together.
Maru & Lucious get thier stuff out of the house.
Maru's Player : I throw an Alchemist's Fire onto my house.
DM : Wait, what? Why?
Maru : Because.
DM : Your house, I guess.
They head south for Maru's hometown, having another run-in with some formians, they're not looking to good. They get into the city, it's empty.
Lucious : (goes over to a house) I'm going to kick in the door.
Maru : No, don't do that, around here, we knock. (knocks)
DM : Nobody answer.
Maru : I go to the next house and knock.
DM : No answer.
Lucious : I kick in the door.
Maru : No, you don't. I go to the Inn, and knock on the door.
DM : Make a listen check. (players roll low) No answer.
Lucious : I kick in the door! (rolls before Maru can say otherwise) Does an 11 beat it?
DM : No, roll a chance of 15.
Lucious : (rolls) 11?
DM : You kick the door, knock yourself backwards and fall into a puddle of mud, got that out of your system yet?
A little later on, at the Mayor's estate.
DM : You come to a rather stately mayoral home, theres a short black iron fence around the property with a gate blocking the path.
Lucious : I'm kicking in the gate! (rolls)
DM : Ok.... you kick in the two foot high gate.
Maru : We could have just stepped over it.
DM : I was hoping you'd realize you could.
(Talking to the Mayor) Maru : This kid burned down my house.
DM : Uh, that's a bluff check.
Maru : Oh, then I tell him this kid made ME burn down my house.
DM : That's better.
Later on, in a fight with an Aranae (That's half phase spider, with levels in monk).
Maru to an evil Cleric with a sickle : Why don't you show me what you can do with that.
Cleric : Ok (rolls high)
DM : You see this cleric chuck his sickle very far over the roof. (Where the Aranae and the Sorc are fighting) and he hits the Aranae for (rolls) 12 subdual damage with the hilt. Knocking her off the roof, through a window, and prone in a parlor.
Maru : Sonofa*****!
That's all for now, I'll post more later if people want.
1) When playing a gnome illusionist/thief (2nd Ed) in the Ruins of Greyhawk, he was lucky enough to find a ring of telekinesis (500 lb. wt. limit) and a decanter of endless water. Thinking quickly, I had him make a harness for the Decanter to fit snugly to my character's back, and when we got out, he used the ring to lift himself and steer and the decanter's geyser force to propel his miniscule weight. One wag from the party, on witnessing his first launch, quipped "Look, that must be Greyhawk's first outboard gnome!" Much laughter ensued.
2) While playing the Star Wars d6 game, our group picked up a few new crewmembers from another group, a Wookiee brawler and a young Jedi-in-training/pilot. Boasting of his friend's skills in a fight, the young Jedi remarked how, in an intergalactic zoo-ship, the Wookiee had slain a juvenile Sarlaac. My character, a mad-as-a-hatter Quixotic Jedi, said, "The ability to destroy a baby Sarlaac is insignificant next to the power of the Force." I managed to say it deadpan and in character. The game paused at both groups so they could all hear the quote; much laughter again.
3) In a rather mercenary group, we had one maladjusted player who was playing an extremely greedy fighter. We were making good progress through the cave complex of an orc king, and scouted out his throne room with magic. The room could seal with a tough door, but we should have been able to blitz through before it could be shut on us. However, the fighter sneaked ahead, and as we ran to the door to get in on the fight, he slammed the door shut and barred it, turning with a flourish of his blades, and said "I'm here to kill you and take your money!" to the room full of orcs, including the king and his bodyguards. He proceeded to leap into the fray hacking and was torn to shreds before we could get the door down, but that line still makes me chuckle to this day.
no we talked to people about it and of course they were convinced on how strong we are and what great of a deed it was and so on...
Halfling Rogue: ach, Fey'ri aren't that bad... they're more annoying, like mosquitos.
and at the end of the day when it comes to roleplay EXP
in game the Halfling Bard had fun for two weeks with the local halfling barwench (3 natural 20s on charisma checks surely made him get his way)
DM: OK... x EXP for the roleplay, oh and +10 for being inside the wizard academy and +50 for being inside the barwench"
group:
1: this came from my first campain. My character(Aramil, see sig) was getting pushed into a trap room by the pally in the group. Problem is that said pally pushed me back a bit too far and chopped his arms off. For that I said: "Maybe you could use lay on hands...Oh wait you don't have hands anymore!"
2: In Oromis's campain (my namesake, see sig again) we had to make a new government for orcs, dwarves and halflings (got an orc to rule, the dwarves to rebel and failed on the halflings) because a guy whose name (translated from Hebrew) is Woof-Woof.
BTW Rickiel, does Raz use a rapier or a dagger? I remember in the Razing strike scenario you said with a rapier but if he uses a dagger, get levels in Invisible Blade (Cwar, dont remember prerequisites but you have to kill someone ith daggers only.
Let me set the scene: We have a Human Rogue/Fighter 20' above the deck, in the rigging, a gnome Bard/Sorc underneath a hatch from the deck to the gundeck and the Human Ninja/Scout and the Elf Fighter/Black Dragon fighting on the deck.
Me: Ok (points to Fighter/Rogue) the last thing you see is a dwarf swinging across from the opposite ship. It slams into you, and everything goes black. And you (Points to Bard/Sorc) Roll a reflex save, dc 15.
Player: Ok (Rolls) Ah CRAP!! 6!!
Me (Laughing) The Dwarf continues on its hapless flight, and when he's directly above your hach, he slips and plummets downwards. He lands on the hatch, bursting it inwards and knocking you clean out.
Player: Damnit!!
Me: (Points to Ninja/Scout and Fighter/Dragon Shaman) You hear a large blast as a cannon fires a ball-and-chain at the mast. The mast comes down and... (Roll a 20, point to Fighter/Dragon Shaman) you are knocked unconcious by a flying barrel of beer. And you (Roll a 19, point to Ninja/Scout) are hit by the same barrel after it rebounds off the elf's head. You are both knocked unconcious.
Absolute hilarity.
DM: Alright, you all make them... you see three torch lights in the distance.
(At this point, we're all thinking that they're probably from bandits. All of us except one.)
Druid: HEY, OVER THERE! CAN YOU GIVE US A HAND?
DM: ... The torches go out.
The same druid also managed to get himself killed in his first turn of the game. And it wasn't even a combat situation. After being attacked by the bandits from above, and barely making it out alive (He and I are both unconscious and more or less dead), we're getting a bit fed up with it. While I can't remember the final act he performed later in the campaign, I do know what it provoked.
DM: ... alright. (To the druid) Do you have the Temple Dodging feat?
Druid: The... the what?
DM: The Temple Dodging feat. Do you have it?
Druid: *cautiously checks through his character sheets* Uh... n-no, I don't think so...
DM: A giant temple falls out of the sky and lands on you. You're dead.
Druid: A WHAT? I... I get out of the way!
DM: You can't, it's too big. You haven't taken the feat to do that.
... *evil grin from the other two characters* :D
1) A friend of mine was bored and impatient, so once we entered our first dungeon, he said: "I'm running to the middle of the room and screaming ****** ***** at the top of my lungs" Next thing we know, there are 8 zombies approaching us...
2) All people got teleported to a different small room at a point in the dungeon, and had to fight an enemy to escape... mine was a single Zombie of some sort, and i only had 2 Hp left. I used a stick of Dynamite, and rolled a natural 20 and threw the dynamite in the zombie's mouth, and rolled several high damage amounts in a row... INSTA-KO!!
player1: i'm going to explore the well.
DM: well.... it's full of water...
Player1: ok... well i jump into it.
DM: give me a swim check. *p1 rolls a natural 1* you swim like a rock.
Player2: i'll use my rope to pull her out. *rolls a natural 1*
DM: you get pulled in and start drowning as well...
eventually, they save thier lives with fortitude saves, but it was funny.
1. Changeling rogue (Lor) sneaking through dungeon, finds a room with a large pile of treasure in one corner, and a giant lizard chained to a post in the opposite corner. (Chain not long enough to reach across room to treasure).
The player sits contemplating for a few minutes, and says: "Even though we all know this isn't gonna end well, there is no way Lor could resist a pile of treasure like that."
Walks in and immediately gets nailed by the lizard's sticky tongue attack from across the room.
His next words: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"
He took a hit for character integrity. Kudos.
(His character developed a fear of lizards, and later a fear of rugs after they were attacked by said variety of Animated Object.)
2. Warforged character (Butler), Druid. Each player was describing the cool abilities they had gained at level up (you know, Cleave, Fireball, more Sneak Attack damage, etc.). This level up, the Druid had taken a level of Landforged Walker, and all he said was "Butler's got his first flower!"
(Huge group hug ensued). :D
Two highly memorable experiences from my players:
1. Changeling rogue (Lor) sneaking through dungeon, finds a room with a large pile of treasure in one corner, and a giant lizard chained to a post in the opposite corner. (Chain not long enough to reach across room to treasure).
The player sits contemplating for a few minutes, and says: "Even though we all know this isn't gonna end well, there is no way Lor could resist a pile of treasure like that."
Walks in and immediately gets nailed by the lizard's sticky tongue attack from across the room.
His next words: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"
He took a hit for character integrity. Kudos.
(His character developed a fear of lizards, and later a fear of rugs after they were attacked by said variety of Animated Object.)
Yeah my cleric/thief in my first edition group has a fear of mushrooms due to a similar incident.He'd.....rather not talk about it.
Two highly memorable experiences from my players:
1. Changeling rogue (Lor) sneaking through dungeon, finds a room with a large pile of treasure in one corner, and a giant lizard chained to a post in the opposite corner. (Chain not long enough to reach across room to treasure).
The player sits contemplating for a few minutes, and says: "Even though we all know this isn't gonna end well, there is no way Lor could resist a pile of treasure like that."
Walks in and immediately gets nailed by the lizard's sticky tongue attack from across the room.
His next words: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I TOLD YOU! I TOLD YOU! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!"
He took a hit for character integrity. Kudos.
(His character developed a fear of lizards, and later a fear of rugs after they were attacked by said variety of Animated Object.)
Forge of Fury, huh? :D
#1
Four beings we were having a nice dinner with have turned into lycanthrope-type monstrosities and Cohan (buzzsaw half-elf fighter) is about to get his butt handed to him when he notices one of the beings is up on the huge table.
Cohan: I slam into the table trying to knock him off.
Creature fails its Balance check.
DM: He falls into the fire at the head of the table.
Mathowny (dark wizard type, CHA 5): I cast Hold Monster.
DM: It fails its Will save.
ENTIRE GAMING TABLE: :OMG!
#2
This actually did not happen in my group but the DM was making a comment about failed Teleports when Mathowny's player relayed this story from a 1st Edition game (slightly paraphrased mind you):
Mathowny's Player: This guy absolutely fails the Teleport back to the party.
Me: How badly?
Mathowny's Player: He ended up about 12,000 feet above the party's caravan.
Me: And he couldn't fly right?
Mathowny's Player:
When he fell, he cratered, all the party's gear was completely destroyed.Mathowny's Player:
Destroyed or damaged beyond Chaotic Evil-usage? Or as one of my players prefers, destroyed or "converted into Anti-Paladin"?
Destroyed or damaged beyond Chaotic Evil-usage? Or as one of my players prefers, destroyed or "converted into Anti-Paladin"?
I mean apparently the last thing out of this poor soul's mouth was:
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!"
And the rest of the party's supplies were all ruined because he landed in the WAGON THAT WAS CARRYING IT ALL!
FROM 12,000 FEET UP!
2.) Playing d20 modern, our group walked out of headquarters and on the way to our government issued vehicle, there was an in-game shotty fight. You know it's bad when you call "shotgun" as part of role-playing.
3.) Probably the best one happened in the same campaign as #2. Our GM wrote a campaign using Urban Arcana where we were recruited from various government agencies to work for a secret paranormal investigating government organization dealing specifically with unauthorized magic use. So we're tracking down some cult that is dabbling in some forbidden necromancy, and we're ambushed. The leader of the bad guys draws a flaming broadsword, to which my character, a hardened NYPD cop responds in his cold Brooklyn accent, "Yeah, dat's nice" and proceed to draw my pistol, shoot him, crit for max damage, and kill him Raiders of the Lost Ark style. Best thing ever... Still have yet to have an in-game moment top it.
"I think they're trying to kill us."
and earlier that night that same flesh golem caved in an enemy's head. the best part is it was already dead.
Then there was another time in Greyhawk where I was a human druid, then there was an elven ranger, then the human fighter, and finally the halfling rogue. We were trapped in a monastery on an island and it was pitch black. There was a beast in the darkness that just sucked out my eyes and tongue and there was a burn pile near us. Then the human fighter screaming "He's gonna turn into a zombie!" started kicking me into the fire, and the when I tried to get back out out he kicked me back in. Shortly after he mysteriously turned evil.
Finally in a current campaign I'm running for 2 inexperienced players one is an elven wizard and the other a halfling rogue. They started to get interested in the idea of having kids and playing them. So then the elf says
"Maybe I should get a sex change operation so we can have some kids."
He sounded pretty serious.
3.) Probably the best one happened in the same campaign as #2. Our GM wrote a campaign using Urban Arcana where we were recruited from various government agencies to work for a secret paranormal investigating government organization dealing specifically with unauthorized magic use. So we're tracking down some cult that is dabbling in some forbidden necromancy, and we're ambushed. The leader of the bad guys draws a flaming broadsword, to which my character, a hardened NYPD cop responds in his cold Brooklyn accent, "Yeah, dat's nice" and proceed to draw my pistol, shoot him, crit for max damage, and kill him Raiders of the Lost Ark style. Best thing ever... Still have yet to have an in-game moment top it.
There's an old adage about never bringing a knife to a gunfight.
This was said by one of the better played paladins I've met: "I'm fine with needing an atonement because I saved an innocent child's soul."
DM: "Pants do not provide an armour bonus."
When I noticed the 'location' part of the inventory form:
PC: "Pants. Location, Mexico."
(guess you had to be there)
And then there was the person who said he was a powergamer, playing a female character to double his starting inventory....
The Group:
Drow Spear-Fighter 5 (Me,)
Drow Sword-Fighter 4
Drow Dagger-Fighter 4
Drow Staff-Fighter 4
yes, all fighters made to cover eachother's weaknesses and optimize eachother's strengths, we had to be fighters or we wouldnt be accepted to melee-magthere, so for the sake of the story we will be names by our weapons of choice. if you're wondering why i'm lvl 5, the party was close to TPK'd by a rogue wizard, only i survived (high preistess rez'd them), good times...
The Event:
after about 1 hour out of game of destroying our competition we 4 were left, we decided to go free for all and decide what kind of weapon was the greatest of all, will it be reach,bludgeoning,slashing,or piercing? this will decide!
Spear: Alright, i charge Dagger and attack from 10 feet away (rolls nat 20)
Dm: Confirm it.
Spear: Okay (rolls nat 20)
Dm:
once more...Spear: Okay (proceeds to roll nat 20)
Whole gaming table:
Dagger: ow?
Dm: ow. Dagger explodes in a shower of blood, the tip of a training spear protruding from his forehead, he's quite dead.
Sword: I charge Staff and power attack for 4! (rolls nat 1)
Dm: Confirm it.
Sword: Okay (rolls nat 1)
Dm: :D once more...
Sword: ... (rolls nat 1)
Dm: Sword charges Staff, trips over his own feet, and lands face first, on a stalagmite, coating it with blood.
Staff: I dont wanna die!
Dm: its your initiative staff, what're you doing?
Staff: i run away screaming!
Spear: i whip my spear at him. (proceeds to rolls three more 20's)
Dm: okay, the practice-spear flies through the air and impails staff through the chest, he falls to the ground, dead.
Spear: Sweet, i made Chicken Ka-bobs!
Staff:
Dm: :D
Will: I kiss him.
DM: What?!
Will: I kiss him. I grab a hold of him, turn him around, and kiss him long and hard on the lips. Let's see him finish that verbal component now.
DM: Ok . . . So, you do that. And not only does it stop the spellcasting, but he's stunned for one round as he processes his revulsion at what just happened.
Yup. A kiss saved the day. I love it. I wish I saw these sorts of things more often. (And it's good to see my Omni not always hogging the glory).
I laugh and begin rolling dice. Needless to say, the first round or two of combat are spent frantically trying to relight the lantern.
We're in a city with a large slave market. The DM tells us there are slaves on sale.
Me: Can I sleight of hand one?
DM: What?
Me: *rolls high* Plus [something absurd for my level, like +18] equals . . . [some absurdly high number] I take a slave by the hand and whisper "C'mon, this way, it's ok."
Group: *bursts out laughing for several minutes*
DM: 200 extra experience points.
we have a NG Drow follower of Eilistrae (sp). She is in a tavern with some friends when a male Drow walks in (nemesis character, though she doesn't know that part yet), and glares at her most heatedly when he see's her, and she glares back, not wanting to be seen as backing down. She has a permanent Arcane Sight on herself, so the DM tells her "He has such powerful magic on himself, that you are nearly blinded from the the sight of it".
her response "But I can keep glaring, right?"
it was very funny - though upon reading this, perhaps you had to be there to fully appreciate it :D
Me: You will now spend your whole turn trying to kill yourself as effectively as possible.
She: Ehm... lemme see... I've never done this before.
Boss NPC manifests Death Urge on the only PC in the group controlled by a female.
Me: You will now spend your whole turn trying to kill yourself as effectively as possible.
She: Ehm... lemme see... I've never done this before.
I would end up extending this into 5-10 rounds, if not more. Given that the wording was the most effective way possible, I would first have to determine the most effective way, and then figure out how to implement it. Simply cutting my throat wouldn't work, as my party cleric could heal me. Same thing with stabbing myself in the head, as that would just take myself to -1. Maybe if there was lava or deep water around.
Me: I hand him a card.
DM: (Reads the index card I gave him) "Mr. John Smith, paranormal psychologist"?
Me: Wait, wrong one.
DM: (Reads the second index card I gave him) "Hello, my name is John, I am here to rob you." What is this, a joke?
Me: Saddly, no. (Sneak Attack, LBEG dies instantly)
Sorc: (Sigh) They just don't train lackies like they used to.
The second one, I am playing an orc knight is a purely martial group. We are up against a mindflayer, a few of his void-minded minions, and a couple of dopplegangers right on the edge of a cliff. After taking out everything except the mindflayer, the party is all but dead except for myself and the cleric busy trying to keep people alive.
Me: Screw this, let me just run up and tackle the mindflayer. (Suscess in grapple) And I finish running off the cliff with him.
DM: Okay, tackling the 'flayer off the 1000' cliff, he plummets to his death while you fall gracefully down, thanks to the ring of featherfall that automatically activated.
Me: Oh, yeah, forgot about that. And here I was hoping for a noble death.
I would end up extending this into 5-10 rounds, if not more. Given that the wording was the most effective way possible, I would first have to determine the most effective way, and then figure out how to implement it. Simply cutting my throat wouldn't work, as my party cleric could heal me. Same thing with stabbing myself in the head, as that would just take myself to -1. Maybe if there was lava or deep water around.
She ended attacking herself with her 2 short swords. Cost her half her hitpoints.
The boss was running out of Power Points. So started to use Empathic Transfer, Hostile on them. Which killed the Swashbuckler :D
Friend (to DM):
You gave them an extra point! (the DM gave us 84 points to put in our ability scores an he gave another person 85)DM: Why does it matter?
Friend: because 1 is halfway to 2!
ok maybe that one wasn't so funny...
Me (about a spin-off snack): It's the half-elf of (name of snack)!
Friend: He looked like a hobo!
Idiot: a homo?
(Deadpan) Wait, just tell me. Do we win?
This bard began chronicalling the stories of my adventures, composing them into a ballad.
We got into a fight with the BBEG at the climax of the camaign, and things were going very well, until the BBEG summoned his army of giants which a few rounds later were using me for Q-tips. My last words to the bard before I died were:
"THIS DOES NOT GO INTO THE SONG!!!"
Dwarf: I'm just passing through on my way to Goosedown.
Fighter: So, where are you going?
Dwarf: (Pauses for a split second) Goosedown.
My group started out at 0 level, with no inventory - except for one or two pieces of clothing (2 for the females, 1 for the males). For background, we were all slaves on a pirate ship; we ended up escaping, but these things happened before the game even started, when we were just making up our characters.
DM: "Pants do not provide an armour bonus."
When I noticed the 'location' part of the inventory form:
PC: "Pants. Location, Mexico."
(guess you had to be there)
And then there was the person who said he was a powergamer, playing a female character to double his starting inventory....
Greatness! I'd love playing that campaign!!
anyway,our local lycan,after making a knowledge check to see how much he knows about lycanthropy,and finding out that weretigers change at full moons becomes terrified of the moon,and says,"I call dodge on the moon!" everyone burst out laughing.A little bit later when we arrive at the source of the smoke,finding a tent surrounded by bodys,as we approach the dm says that a body gets tossed out of the openning,our weretiger then says, "I catch the body,"
The dm,"You what?!""I catch the body,"
DM,"
Ok,roll reflex,""rolls high",Ok,you caught the body ....."
and after our whaleman shouts out that theres something inside the tent (hes not the brightest cookie in the sea,the player plays him quiet well :P) the creature starts coming out,our lycan then says,"ok i call dodge on that thing!"
DM,"Ok,the moon attacks you",
everyone
Next session we might be doing the new starwars saga edition,i will be a wookie heavy weapons spec (grenade launcher + frags = :D) and pilot,we shall see how things go :D
We were in the city of Freeport, which was under siege by an army of northern elves (elves are generally bad guys in my friend's campaign). While exploring the sewers for what appeared to be a "rat problem" (the rats were being scared out by elven infiltrators and their constructs) we discovered that Freeport was built on the ruins of an older city. Not knowing about when this older city was built, or by whom, we labelled it "Pre-Port" :D !
While fighting some of the elves we found slinking about in Pre-Port, we ran across a burial chamber where the elves set up a device that was causing the dead to be raised as skeletons. Having no bludgeoning weapons on me, I picked up a broken board and commenced to fighting, making sure to ask if I got a +2 "Planking Bonus"
.Good Gaming!
Be well in all things,
Rave
Pally: Hey, the sheet says paladins are immune to fear.
DM: Oops...
Sorceress: Oh my god, you really were taking a smoke break!
We come across a drow trader wagon, being pulled by a "tame" stone giant. The dwarf and the stone giant, being on the same IQ level start to exchange growls and grunts. (I'm sure phone numbers would have been next), but we restrained the dwarf, and they restrained their giant.
Dwarf: Watch it boy, I eat giants for breakfast
Giant: Me No Boy!
Rogue (mimicking giant): Me Girl!
Dwarf: Watch it boy, I eat giants for breakfast
Giant: Me No Boy!
Rogue (mimicking giant): Me Girl!
That's awesome. I totally lol'd. Frealz, yo.
When he got back up, someone said "He's getting back up! Quick, get the people to the trolls! They're safer than our knight"
DM (as NPC): What god do you worship?
Me: Sylvanus.
DM (OOC): What? Really?
Me (OOC): Yup, says so right here on my character sheet -- "Sylvanus, when he bothers".
Situation: Swordsage named Feng grappled with Blaspheme from Ravenloft. He has a ridiculous AC and is managing to not get get eaten, but unable to escape the Blasphemes ridiculous grapple. Flying Nearby is a Wizard named Oz and an Anima Mage Name Xaiven or X (ME) and a Rogue/assasin named Deakin
DM: He attempts to bite you again Feng but fails.
Feng:HA HA. He can't hit me. Help me out guys.
Oz: I suppose we could Assist in the grapple.
X: Yea right. We're wizards.
Oz: Good point. Your on your own.
DM: It's X's turn.What Do you Do.
X: I strike them with lightning. I'll need reflex saves.
Blaspheme fails. Feng fails.
DM: The Blaspheme cry out one last word before it dies....father.
Feng: Crap. I'm bleeding out.
DM: Oh man, time is running short. What do you do Oz.
Oz: I start checking his pockets.
DM:Okay....What about you X.
X: I pull out my dagger and Coup de gras him.
DM: WHAT!!!
X: I coup de gras him
DM: Why.
Oz: for his loot of course.
DM: What are your alignments?
X: Lawfull Evil
Oz: Chaotic neutral.
DM: Well it's evil now. your bothy evil. very very evil. you could have saved him with a heal check.
Oz: I don't have the ranks in heal.
DM: you can use it untrainred.
X: Meh, besides it was more humane to put him out of his misery.
Deakin: (just finding out what happened) OMG WTF happened.
X: we had to put him down for his loot.
Deakin: You guys are horrible.
X: But we saved you some loot.
Deakin:Oh ok. Well thats fine then.
"X-P!"
The party was exploring a derelict space ship which was infested by space slugs. They had previously used a corpse to lure the slugs in the engine room into one spot where they could catch them with autofire blasts. Later, while climbing a lift shaft, they noticed two holes in the wall where space slugs had made their lair. The Force user floated a corpse in front of the holes and lured the monsters out so the rest of the party could shoot them. Once they had safely passed...
Force User: "I lay the body to rest on top of the jammed lift car."
GM (Me): "Uhh... I think it's a little late to be respectful..."
Force User: "No, I might need it later!"
He then commented: "Stupid donkeys"
On which our druid replied: "So it's the DONKEYS that are stupid...
"Later he explained a great tactic to the party: "Let's circumcise the village!"
Party: :OMG!
Our barbarian tried to ride a donkey. The donkey (obviously) didn't feel like having the savage half-orc ride it and attacked the barbarian (kicked him in a very private place).
He then commented: "Stupid donkeys"
On which our druid replied: "So it's the DONKEYS that are stupid...
Later he explained a great tactic to the party: "Let's circumcise the village!"
Party: :OMG!
Are you sure he meant circumcise and not castrate? Big difference there.
I'm hoping he meant "circumvent" ie. go around...
He did, but he never got the chance to finish after that sentence
The DM was already snickering and preparing the damage, while I asked him if contact poison went through clothing as well. He said it wouldn't and I wondered what rogue would run around without gloves. Right at that moment our rogue woke up and immediately said that he had gloves and that he even mentioned it to the DM before the session. Then he started describing the gloves he was wearing: Fingerless gloves. Need I say more?
He got the damage
Barbarian OOC: Wouldnt a metal door make a clank?
Me: crap; now theres two of them?!
First one: We are running an all out rogue campaign, my character being a lazy rogue who's hot for the first good looking girl he sees, and one of my friends is a playing a NE human rogue who happens to be black. We are sent to go capture the mayor's daughter for bounty. We arrive to the mayors house and sneak very well up to the location of the girl's room (it is of course nighttime as well). We find her door and we await outside of it, to hear a bit of noise on the other side. I quietly unlock the door and open it just a bit, before my friend (the black guy rogue) kicks it open and the girl stands there half naked, beautiful as ever staring at us.
My friend : "I want her"
Me:" I wanna have sex with here face!" the black rogue then pauses, turns to me and with the look of "c'mon" on his face says to me.
My friend: " Well I'm BLACK!"
we had a good chuckle from that.
The other one is I am playing a half giant barbarian by the name of Victor and one of my friends is playing an elven wizard by the name of Andy. In a round about way we find out ahead of time that a rogue guild is going to be possessed and turned into an extreme chaotic beastly form of humans, and we quickly rush to where their hideout is before they change.
We go to the town tavern and in the basement we find an abnormally large barrel that I walk up to, to try an lift, but it wouldn't budge. So i summon up a lot of strength and rip it out, to find a tunnel leading down, we follow it of course. It led us to a hallway ending in a door with a rogue standing in front of the door.
Rogue:"w..w..what are you doing here?"
Victor: "We come to take care of a bad infestation, that's about to happen."
Andy: "We know what you have behind that door, now move"
By now the rogue is looking frightened by the giant, and the fact that we are leaders of the town. After a bit of convo we get him broken down and shaking.
Andy:"We need in there"
Victor: "Should I break him in half?"
Rogue: "If you want in just put me to sleep instead of killing me please?"
Andy:"Do you sleep willingly?"
Rogue:"You got it." Andy puts sleep dust on him and he collapses in front of us. Then Andy proceeds to pull out a staff of fireballs and blasts the door open, a bunch of rogues standing in the room, and he hurls a fireball in there, charring all of them. We step into the room:
Andy:"Ok now let's go kill the evil things."
Victor:"That was them."
The Stars
Inoki: (Halfling Druid/Sorceror)
Leon: (Human Rogue, Me)
Inoki had just gone flying through a window wild-shaped as an eagle when I found him. And a member of the city guard, one of whom had caused Inoki to go flying, pops up.
Guard:Is that your bird?
Leon:Yeah.
Guard:He just flew through a window.
Leon:I never said he was a smart bird.
Inoki:*GLARE*
Eagle dookie may have ended up on my shoulder because of that, can't remember.
The players hit level 2 in the middle of the session. The party consisted of a Prince who believes himself to be but a servant (The player doesn't know, assuming he isn't reading this post, and he was switched at birth with a servant for protective reasons.) who is a human warlock, the boy who the prince was switched with, a human ranger, the man who is being trained to be the prince's bodyguard, a human paladin, and the prince's spiritual adviser, a human cleric of Kord.
After the palace was sacked by the King's evil brother, the party were in the middle of trying to escape, bringing the younger members of the royal family with them. They're in the middle of fighting their way to the only unguarded exit they can find, when they find it, and the room it's in is filled with ****** off monkeys.
DM (me): "Everyone roll initiative."
-clatter clank, a monkey gets to go first.-
DM: "Ok... one of the monkeys sees you, and promptly..." -clatter clank- "Brian, what's your ac?"
Brian (Pally): "18, why?"
DM: "You just manage to raise your shield in time to block a handfull of monkey ****."
Brian: "Aww! I just polished this shield for the banquet!"
Later in the same fight.
DM: "Matt, make a spot check."
-clatter clank-
Matt (Warlock): "8..."
DM: "You see nothing."
-a round or so passes-
DM: "Now, one of the few remaining monkeys charges as Brian, but before he can get to him, a knife comes flying from behind you guys, and sticks in the monkey's head, dropping it."
Matt: "I check my belt, looking for my dagger."
DM: "It isn't there, and as you turn, you see the youngest male prince of your nation standing there behind you, grinning, his arm still extended as if he had just thrown something."
Matt: "Son of a *****!"
Before they got to the monkeys, Matt had been attacked by an animated candlestick while guarding the rear. The others ran back to help him, and eventually killed it, but their only real reward was the sound of the two youngest royals screaming from the stairwell they had left them in. They ran back inside, and saw two big, burly men dragging them away. Matt has highest initiative roll, and he uses an eldritch blast on the nearest one, the one with the young princess. He manages to roll a critical and drop the enemy in one shot.
DM: "You let loose a blast of energy, and after the blast hits him, the only thing left of his head is a charred outline on the wall behind him."
Finally they make it out of the palace, and forge their way across the moat, trying to make it to safety. I felt like throwing out something for the players to have some fun with, so a shared the little bit of information that the eldest princess's dress was white. (The attack had happened during a banquet, and now they were just getting out of water that had been up to their neck.) The eldest princess is about a year younger than the PCs are.
Matt: "I look her over for a minute, and then try to hide my staring."
DM: "You are aware that under the marching order you guys've been following since the palace you're behind her, right?"
Matt: "Really? OK, I let her get in front of me so we get back to marching, and then start blatantly staring at her."
Tom (Cleric): "Lecher..."
Finally they make it into a forest, and make camp for the night. They begin resting, and a few hours in, an earth elemental comes to mess with them. They defeated it, with the final blow resulting in the top half of it's body exploding, removed the remains from the campsite, and then went back to sleep. Another hour goes bye, and then they're all woken up by the sound of fighting, and they see what appears to be the legs fighting their watchman. Matt manages to blast an ankle and foot off, and then looks at me.
Matt: "What's it going to do to us now? Jump on us? If it tries to kick it'll fall off balance and-"
Me: "It knees you, hard." -clatter clank- "Take four points of damage."
I'll try to remember more and post them tomorrow...
Me: Screw this, let me just run up and tackle the mindflayer. (Suscess in grapple) And I finish running off the cliff with him.
DM: Okay, tackling the 'flayer off the 1000' cliff, he plummets to his death while you fall gracefully down, thanks to the ring of featherfall that automatically activated.
Me: Oh, yeah, forgot about that. And here I was hoping for a noble death.
Fortunate it is for you that the DM recalled your ring of feather fall rather than the mind flayer's power of levitation, or it could have been an embarrassing rather than a heroic death ...
DM: You enter the cathedral. Apparently it's in the middle of a mass, since there's a preacher in the pulpit, sermonizing, and a lot of people in their seats, listening with varying degrees of attentiveness. *rolls dice* You cannot see the man in black among the congregation.
Paladin OOC: Oh, well, we lost him. Might as well attend the service.
Sorcerer OOC: What? Why? He could be in the vestry, or something, or he might have snuck out the back, or maybe you failed your Spot. Why quit?
Paladin OOC: 'Cause I haven't been to church yet this week. I take a seat. What's the preacher saying?
DM: Ummm... "...And Saint Ted did speak unto the demon-possessed man, Steve, saying 'Steve, Verily thou art being a douchebag. Thou shalt stop it. Thou shalt stop it now.' And lo and behold, Ted did draw forth the holy folding chair of salvation, and smote Steve about the head with it; and Steve was healed, and the people rejoiced, for they saw that Steve would be a douchebag no more, and they were crying 'Alleluia! Amen!'"
Paladin: Thanks be to God.
*********************************************************
Sorcerer: I have created the ultimate weapon!
Paladin OOC: Oh, no... this isn't going to be like that thing when you stuffed a bunch of angry chickens into a bag of holding, beat it with a baseball bat, and then ran away, hoping to make a "Cucco-Swarm Bomb," will it?
Sorcerer OOC: No, this time I'm trying something more sophisticated. I have given it a lot of thought, and I have decided to make a weapon that combines the best aspects of Gunblades, Lightsabers, Sword-Chucks, and Chainsaws!! I call them "Lightgunchucksaws!" Wanna take a practice swing with them?
Paladin OOC: ...No. My Holy Avenger will serve just fine.
Sorcerer OOC: Pfft, wimp. These will do more damage than anything you've ever wielded! Fine! I'll attack a tree with them!
DM: Did you take a proficiency slot for these?
Sorcerer OOC: Er... No. But I can do that later, right? It's just a -4 penalty, and I'm attacking immobile trees!
DM: I hope so... *Rolls dice* Oh my. *Rolls more dice*. Okay, you have somehow managed to cut off both of your arms, a leg, and most of your face. Would you like to roll up a new guy?
Paladin: You're right. They DID do more damage than anything I've ever wielded.
***********************************************************
Paladin: I strangle the dragon!
DM: You what?
Paladin: I strangle it! I'm already grappling it, so why not?
DM: But this is a great red wyrm!
Paladin: I have strength of 45 and Gauntlets of Gripping.
DM:...*beep*ing epic-level characters. *Rolls dice*. You strangle the dragon.
DM: You enter the cathedral. Apparently it's in the middle of a mass, since there's a preacher in the pulpit, sermonizing, and a lot of people in their seats, listening with varying degrees of attentiveness. *rolls dice* You cannot see the man in black among the congregation.
Paladin OOC: Oh, well, we lost him. Might as well attend the service.
Sorcerer OOC: What? Why? He could be in the vestry, or something, or he might have snuck out the back, or maybe you failed your Spot. Why quit?
Paladin OOC: 'Cause I haven't been to church yet this week. I take a seat. What's the preacher saying?
DM: Ummm... "...And Saint Ted did speak unto the demon-possessed man, Steve, saying 'Steve, Verily thou art being a douchebag. Thou shalt stop it. Thou shalt stop it now.' And lo and behold, Ted did draw forth the holy folding chair of salvation, and smote Steve about the head with it; and Steve was healed, and the people rejoiced, for they saw that Steve would be a douchebag no more, and they were crying 'Alleluia! Amen!'"
Paladin: Thanks be to God.
This wins.
Persona Dramatica:
Amanda: Fighter. Violent in temperament, and wields a large Fullblade thanks to the wonders of monkey grip.
Rebecca: Monk. The paranoid brains of the group.
James: Warmage. Sarcastic voice of reason.
Carrie: Cleric. Goth inquisitor. Eggs Rebecca and Amanda on.
Ben: Knight/Cleric. Inquisitor. Punner and enabler.
Jack: Cleric. Lawful good played to the max.
Myself: DM. If a players asks if they can do something, my only response is "Roll."
Story the First:
They are exploring the castle of an illusionist who, unbeknownst to the group, has a rather questionable sense of humour. The group slays what they think is an illithid, but is actually an illusion.
Rebecca: I cut off its head.
DM: OK. Why?
Rebecca: It's my new adventuring rock. I'm going to tie a rope to it and throw it down the corridors to set off traps. Or maybe put it on a stick and throw a cloak around it to make people think we have an illithid on our side!
Group: Uhhh.....
Next room, they figure out that it's an illusion.
DM: The monster disappears.
Rebecca: The head stays though, right?!
DM:
Story the Second:
Exploring the castle, they come across a latrine, with a book lying on a counter next to the toilet.
Jack: Is the book magic? (He had cast Detect Magic just before entering the room)
DM: Yes.
Jack: I pick it up. *pause*
DM: OK....
Jack: *pause* Can I read the title?
DM: Yes.
Jack: What's it say?
DM: Book of Explosive Runes. Written in Explosive Runes. Take 9 points of damage.
Group:
Jack: I open the book. What's it say inside?
DM: It's a spellbook. Explosive Runes is recorded within. :D
Story the Third:
Same castle, different latrine.
Rebecca: I'll use it. But I'm going to look inside the toilet first, make sure there's nothing down there.
DM: Oh-kayyyy. You see a glowing blue field that looks akin to a portal.
Rebecca: Can I go through it?
Group: Wait - isn't that where the **** goes?
DM: Yes, that's where it goes.
Rebecca: But where does it go?
James: The elemental plane of ****?
Rebecca: What lives there?
Amanda: Elemental spirits of ****?
DM: You know I have to send you on an adventure there now....
Episode the Fourth:
The party is travelling to the capital city to head off a band of assassins. Rebecca is on watch in the middle of the night when a bandit tries to steal the groups horses. She discovers a bandit attempting to sneak up on the horses, and after a series of laughably poor rolls by yours truly, she successfully sneaks up and knocks him unconscious. She then ties him up and drags him over to the fire, waking the rest of the group. Then she searches him, finding give gold. During the interrogation...
Bandit (stuttering): Please don't kill me. *sobs* I only steal to feed my wife and six kids. They're starving!
Rebecca: Have you stolen from a lot of people?
Bandit: Yes! No! No, please don't kill me, I won't steal again, I swear it!
Rebecca: You only steal because you're wife and kids are starving?
Bandit: Yes! *sobs*
Rebecca unties him, gives him the five goldpieces she took back, then gives him five more. She the wraps her arm around his shoulder.
Rebecca: Here's some money. Go home, feed your family.
Bandit: T-t-t-t-hank you.
Rebecca: And I will be traveling this way again. I now know where you live. And if I even hear a rumour that you are stealing again, I will kill you. Slowly. And painfully.
Story the Fifth:
The party believes that the assassins are working with a newly arrived noble in town, Lord Roberson. They ransack his home, and discover a letter written in the language of the neighboring country with whom they are at war. The next day, they discover Roberson has fled the city. They follow him on the road to the east. Along the way, they kept asking if they saw anyone of interest. After the 6th or 7th such request...
DM: Yes, you see someone interesting Rebecca. You see a guy who you think is quite attractive.
Carrie: He has a large codpiece.
DM+Group:
:OMG!Rebecca flirts with him for a bit, then leaves. On the way out...
Carrie: I wonder, should I be attracted to him? *rolls dice*
Carrie: No. Maybe I'm a necrophiliac? We'll see how this pans out.
DM: Ummm... "...And Saint Ted did speak unto the demon-possessed man, Steve, saying 'Steve, Verily thou art being a douchebag. Thou shalt stop it. Thou shalt stop it now.' And lo and behold, Ted did draw forth the holy folding chair of salvation, and smote Steve about the head with it; and Steve was healed, and the people rejoiced, for they saw that Steve would be a douchebag no more, and they were crying 'Alleluia! Amen!'"
I am reading this discretely at work, and I nearly injured myself trying not to laugh, cry, and **** myself at the same time.
Carrie: I wonder, should I be attracted to him? *rolls dice*
Carrie: No. Maybe I'm a necrophiliac? We'll see how this pans out.
HAHAHAHAHA Oh man, that sounds like my group. Half my "Best lines" I can't post here for over-the-top, violating the forum Code of Conduct humour.
I was playing a Star Wars campaign with a couple of friends, including Theresa, the Soldier, Max playing the party Jedi, John the Scout and me the scoundrel. Our first mission was to foil an attack on the Supreme Chancellors speech. We handily stopped the first method, a weather control station, and were busy the day of the speech at a traffic control station, where the terrorists were planning to send a droid controlled tanker into the audience.
We easily fought four of the five terrorists, and the fifth was involved in a sword fight with the soldier. They went into the turbolift and were gone for several rounds. When they returned, Theresa was standing over him triuphantly. She managed to capture him alive,and we went about looking for some way to restrain him. Finding nothing, we then proceeded to argue about what to do. We couldn't just leave him, and we couldn't keep an eye on him, hoping he wouldn't wake up before we were finished protecting the speech, since a direct attempt could not be ruled out.
Unfortunately, during our argument about what to do, the speech began. One of the Vidscreens was showing the live HoloNet broadcast.
Me: "Uhh, guys...?
Jedi: "No we can't do that, that isn't humane."
Soldier: "What if we just kept stunning him?"
Scout: "But who's gonna keep watch over him?"
Me: "Hey, guys..."
... a minute later...
Jedi: "...still not humane."
Me (now ****** off, thinking I'm not gonna get paid for the job.) out of character I decribe to the GM pulling out my blaster, cocking it, and pumping a round directly into the terrorrist's face.
The rest of the party (and the GM): :OMG!
Me (calm and completely straight faced) "Can we go now?"
HAHAHAHAHA Oh man, that sounds like my group. Half my "Best lines" I can't post here for over-the-top, violating the forum Code of Conduct humour.
Yeah, I totally hear you there. My best lines involve Amanda and Rebecca, two servants of a noble whose palace they were attempting to sneak into, and a fortuitous nat 20 or so on my behalf. Sadly, that entire D&D session is basically rated R edging towards NC-17. We did manage to make one player fall off his chair laughing, however. :D
Cleric of lolth: Why does it always have to be about killing, I#m fed up with killing...
Rogue: Oh my noble mistress, did i hear right that you don't like the killing any more?
Cleric: Yep...
rogue: (Sneak attacking and killing her): We have to purge out the weak!!!!
Yeah, I totally hear you there. My best lines involve Amanda and Rebecca, two servants of a noble whose palace they were attempting to sneak into, and a fortuitous nat 20 or so on my behalf. Sadly, that entire D&D session is basically rated R edging towards NC-17. We did manage to make one player fall off his chair laughing, however. :D
We could always try and start a "Best mature lines ever" thread in the mature forums, but I doubt it'd see much play. Most people who play in more mature games don't frequent those boards much, because "mature" means "an excuse to be immature and prurient" to some people (most of whom probably lied on their age so they could post naughty jokes they heard at recess).
The Stars
Soren: Half-Orc Barbarian. Has a monkey named Jack.
Leon:Human Rogue. Nicknamed Soren "Ugly".
The two of them had found a room built into a cliff. We are suddenly told to roll intelligence checks, and promptly fail. (I rolled a 3, and had +4 for my modifier. And Soren had 10 Int and his player rolls a 2 or something.) Soren's player says he's gonna roll for Jack (2 Int), and gets a nat 20. Our DM allows it and has Jack pointing at something. Naturally, we look to where Jack's pointing.
DM:You direct your gaze to where Jack is pointing, and see an 8-ft-tall...(is trying to find the right words to use)
Leon:Something inanimate. Something inanimate. Something inanimate. Something inanimate.
Soren: Demoness. Demoness. Demoness. Demoness.
DM shows us a picture of what it is, a Tar Elemental.
Soren:Yay!
Leon:No!
Leon:Something inanimate. Something inanimate. Something inanimate. Something inanimate.
Soren: Demoness. Demoness. Demoness. Demoness.
:D I've had so many moments where my players have been praying for different outcomes like this
recently in a drow party...
Cleric of lolth: Why does it always have to be about killing, I#m fed up with killing...
Rogue: Oh my noble mistress, did i hear right that you don't like the killing any more?
Cleric: Yep...
rogue: (Sneak attacking and killing her): We have to purge out the weak!!!!
hehe...that's funny! In hindsight, that probably should've been an internal dialoge for the cleric.
Random campaign, long time age.
DM: You come to a fork in the road, there is an old man holding a golden cup, he mo-
Wizard: I cast FIREBALL!!!!!!
Party:
DM: .....The old man is incinerated along with his cup......
Two from last night:
The party wizard is..... well, a little horny, and as a result, very VERY strange things happen.
Wizard: "So, what do you say we go up to my room and, ya know."
NPC: "No I don't what?"
Wizard: "..... ya know, sex."
NPC: "WHAAAAT, NEVER WITH YOU!"
Wizard: "Ya? Well if you don't I'll BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE!!!!!" *conjures a fire orb into his hand*
At this point the party druid came over and dragged him away.
And just because the DM could
Wizard: I order the biggest beer possible!
DM: The bartender hands you a mug half your height "That'll be 50g"
Wizard: "thank you kind sir"
Wizard: I go over to a corner table
DM: you stagger over to the table, barely able to carry your beer
Wizard: I sit down and look for something to read, something interesting.
DM: You find a few books, but nothing of interest, mostly books about the town
Wizard: I look under the table.
DM:
You find *roll* porn....... Wizard: What kind?
DM:
*roll* .......... Halfling pornWizard: :D
dm: Ok tara, your wolf is engaged with a skeleton
me: aww cute...theyre gunna get maaarieed
The entire party hated me after we all laughed for 5 min.
A party of a barbarian, a soulknife, a wizard and a cleric are fighting an ettin by a shallow river. The ettin is engaged in melee with the barbarian and soulknife and just got it's turn in initiative order. The wizard also has a tendency to get knocked unconcious in fights often.
DM:Well the ettin can attack either of you and it will kill you. I'll roll a percent die for this... *rolls* ... *stares at roll in disbelief* The ettin throws a javelin at the wizard! *rolls* the javelin crits the wizard.
Wizard: I'm unconcious
*Cleric takes the javelin at end of battle and heals wizard*
DM:The javelin you pull out of the wizard is... *rolls* a +1 javelin of wizard bane
Later on in the campaign
Wizard: I go to the magic item shop
Shopkeeper:What are you looking for today?
Wizard: Do you have anything interesting?
*DM rolls*
Shopkeeper:I happen to have a cloak of deflect javelins here
Wizard: I'LL TAKE IT!!
Fortunate it is for you that the DM recalled your ring of feather fall rather than the mind flayer's power of levitation, or it could have been an embarrassing rather than a heroic death ...
Hmm, if the Mindflayer had already gone then it would fall 600' before the start of the next round, and would fall the remaining 400 in less than 2 seconds. Not enough time to get off a standard action, although perhaps a move action.
Hmm, if the Mindflayer had already gone then it would fall 600' before the start of the next round, and would fall the remaining 400 in less than 2 seconds. Not enough time to get off a standard action, although perhaps a move action.
Interestingly enough, you fall the 400 in 6 seconds as well, because D&D mechanics don't follow the laws of physics. You could literally activate the ring five feet from the ground and it'd be fine.
Edit: Wrote the wrong amount of seconds
Later that day in a nearby town, that same rogue was attempting to sell a masterwork alchemy set that he had stolen. My knight walked up to him and knocked it out of his hand and handed him another note that said "Sorry. I think I broke your stuff. Signed, The Knight"
After he calmed down I asked the shopkeep
Knight: How much will you pay for the rogue?
Shopkeep: 150gp
Knight: Deal
Rogue: You can't just sell me into slavery.
That night, while locked in his cage in the mans shop, the rogue attempted to break out through force. After rolling 3 critical fumbles the DM determined he had broken his arm.
But, since I was a Knight, I bought him back out of slavery for 50gp...and gave him the 100gp profit for being a good sport.
Archmage: if you'll recall I sreamed that as you were burning my pubic hair
DM controlled Cleric: I cut off his head and toss it over the wall, but I am not proficient.
DM: Anyone proficent in head?
Me yelling OOC at my GF: Hey honey, come here a moment.
Interestingly enough, you fall the 400 in 6 seconds as well, because D&D mechanics don't follow the laws of physics. You could literally activate the ring five feet from the ground and it'd be fine.
Edit: Wrote the wrong amount of seconds
Under freefall and neglecting air resistance (x=(a*t^2)/2), you'd fall about 580 ft. in 6 seconds, at which point you'd have reached terminal velocity for a spread-eagle "skydiver" position. In subsequent rounds you'd fall about 1000 feet. If you pulled your arms in instead of spread-eagling, you'd accelerate for a second turn and fall about 1750 ft. during that and every subsequent round.
I generally assume that you need about 600 ft. to be able to cast a non-quickened spell while falling.
Under freefall and neglecting air resistance (x=(a*t^2)/2), you'd fall about 580 ft. in 6 seconds, at which point you'd have reached terminal velocity for a spread-eagle "skydiver" position. In subsequent rounds you'd fall about 1000 feet. If you pulled your arms in instead of spread-eagling, you'd accelerate for a second turn and fall about 1750 ft. during that and every subsequent round.
I generally assume that you need about 600 ft. to be able to cast a non-quickened spell while falling.
Well, again, D&D doesn't follow the laws of physics, by core. If you want to houserule it in there, sure. But the fact remains: if you fall 600 feet in 6 seconds (1 round), and you have 400 feet to go, you'd fall 400 feet in 6 seconds.
Well, again, D&D doesn't follow the laws of physics, by core. If you want to houserule it in there, sure. But the fact remains: if you fall 600 feet in 6 seconds (1 round), and you have 400 feet to go, you'd fall 400 feet in 6 seconds.
No, you fall 400 feet in some undefined amount of time which is less than 6 seconds. By the book, falling any distance happens instantaneously, in zero seconds. In practice, you should allow a character who's falling more than a couple hundred feet a turn while falling to activate spells (or have a spell cast ON him) and such. If it's less than 600 feet, the caster will probably need to make a spellcraft check to get the spell off before he hits bottom (unless it's a quickened spell). If he can cast Featherfall, it's naturally a moot point because it's an immediate action to use.
By what page of the book is falling an immediate/free action? I know it's a non-action, essentially, but note that the amount of time taken by any given action isn't actually put to words except full-round actions, which take an entire round, and spells with casting times longer than a round, which also have specific times alloted. But since spells, magic items and class abilities can have you taking extra move and standard actions, there's no set time frame for those sorts of actions, much less the other types. It's up to the individual player to decide how long such an action takes when they do it, and up to the DM when an NPC or monster does it. I don't think there's any portion of the book that covers how long a particular type of action takes, and there's certainly no mention of real-world physics re: falling, nor is there (to my knowledge) anything on what action falling constitutes. It's essentially free movement that doesn't take up any sort of action.
By what page of the book is falling an immediate/free action?
Uhhhh... did I ever say it DID? I'm saying exactly the same thing you're saying. A monk with speed 40 ft. and slow fall could run 20 feet, drop down 30 feet for no damage, and continue another 20 feet in one move action. i.e., as I said, falling takes no time, by the book. Which works just fine for short drops, but when you're falling more than a couple hundred feet there's a significant amount of real-life time the DM should account for.
when you're falling more than a couple hundred feet there's a significant amount of real-life time the DM should account for.
Cite me the page number for this, or is it just a house rule?
Cite me the page number for this, or is it just a house rule?
It's my opinion, of course! That's why it's contrasted with the "by the book" rule!
It's my opinion, of course! That's why it's contrasted with the "by the book" rule!
Well, my only point in saying that, by core, you take the same amount of time to fall no matter what came before or after was all I meant by that. Not what makes the most sense, just what's core.
Not that adding physics helps very much. See: a line of 5000 1st level commoners in a line, all readying an action to pass a bucket to the next peasant. The time it takes to get from one end of the line to the other is 6 seconds, by the rules, and physics would make the last commoner letting go have that bucket become a pretty darn forceful projectile.
Paladin: "...and when we finish with the dragon, our next goal is-"
*Warlock grabs Paladin* *bamf* teleports them over a bottomless pit
Warlock: (as he and the Paladin plummet to their deaths) "Totally worth it!"
Unrelated:
The warlock was seperated from the party and ended up fighting hordes of half-gold dragon kobolds. His dying words:
"I regret nothing! I have lived as few men dare to dream!" He then exploded.
Our party's paladin had a habit of making dramatic speeches. To get him to stop, my warlock learned the Flee the Scene incantation.
Paladin: "...and when we finish with the dragon, our next goal is-"
*Warlock grabs Paladin* *bamf* teleports them over a bottomless pit
Warlock: (as he and the Paladin plummet to their deaths) "Totally worth it!"
Unrelated:
The warlock was seperated from the party and ended up fighting hordes of half-gold dragon kobolds. His dying words:
"I regret nothing! I have lived as few men dare to dream!" He then exploded.
Sounds like someone's been reading their VG Cats lately.
Not that adding physics helps very much. See: a line of 5000 1st level commoners in a line, all readying an action to pass a bucket to the next peasant. The time it takes to get from one end of the line to the other is 6 seconds, by the rules, and physics would make the last commoner letting go have that bucket become a pretty darn forceful projectile.
I was the guy who calculated the number of peasants necessary to accelerate a bucket of water until it was too heavy for them to lift.
(About 4 billion.) Be sure you erect a wall of force on the far side so it actually delivers the energy to the castle.We could always try and start a "Best mature lines ever" thread in the mature forums...
Slightly off topic, but...
Mature forums? Try as I may I can find neither sight nor sound of said forums.
They must be really obvious. I never miss anything unless it is.
One night the keep we were charged with defending was surrounded by Dark Elves. They send in an emissary who demands our surrender. I, (Fighter / Rogue), kill him and drag his body to the courtyard. We have a cleric of Tempus who has a fetish for cutting off the heads of enemies and tossing those severed heads at whomever is left. So this happens..
DM controlled Cleric: I cut off his head and toss it over the wall, but I am not proficient.
DM: Anyone proficent in head?
Me yelling OOC at my GF: Hey honey, come here a moment.
Many thanks, you made my day. ;) I laughed so hard I almost fell out of my chair. Take a cookie and a laugh point, good sir.
fighter: Charge back in with longsword *rolls 19*. Critical - confirms it for 33 damage. "Is he dead?"
DM: Minus damage reduction. He's on one!!!
Wizard: (no spells): I can't damage him I need a crit. Fire my crossbow! *rolls 20* Yes!! *rolls 1* Noooooo!
Animal companion (same chance): Bite *rolls 20* Yes!! *rolls 1* Nooooooooooooooooo!!
Everyone: :OMG!
I'm the DM for a group and i use the three twenties in a row equals instant death, but ten sessions in i haven't ever had to use it since no one has even managed to roll two in a row, that is until my session last night.
the group had been traveling south for some time and since winter was coming on it started to snow, so the monk and the rouge in the party started an impromptu snowball fight.
this was fine untill...
monk: i throw another snowball at mizrahil (ranger)
DM: Okay, roll.
monk: (rolls) 20, (rolls again) another 20,
DM: roll one more time
Monk: (rolls) another 20
rest of party and me: :OMG!
ranger:
( i ruled that the snowball did sub dual only, but still....)
Death by snowball? :D
I could see it happening. The snowball just goes right through the guy's head or snaps his neck due to the force.
...
I'd laugh. :D
So, if you're looking for a laugh, skip over. I thought it was one of the best lines I've heard, so here it is, as my contribution to the best thread i have seen in a long time.
Three small teams of mixed elite force commando types had been inserted into Libya in the 80's, on a mission to storm an aircraft that had been skyjacked, and diverted to an airbase inside Libya. [TSSI Commando Mission, by TSR...from the book, modified by the DM.]
A furious battle ensues at the airbase, and ultimately the plane is boarded, the tower is destroyed in a huge fireball, the AvGas dump is blown up for good measure.
One two-man commando buddy team, "Jellyfish" (who has played 1 session prior to this) and "Slick" (who has played for some time) are wounded (but patched up, somewhat) facing out in a tactical back to back stance on one knee, on the tarmac, right near the landing gear of the aircraft, and one of them looks at his character sheet, and says, "Man! I got 30 of them!"
DM: "Guys by the civilian aircraft, make spot rolls."
Player1 "Jellyfish": (rolls) Fail.
Player1 "Slick": (rolls) Fail.
DM: You notice the flames of the fire near the AvGas area getting larger.
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Think it's gonna keep blowing up?"
Player1 "Slick": "Probably."
DM: In your headset microphones, you hear over some static, the huey evac calls in, "Speargun six five, Feet dry, 10 mikes out."
The teams are battered and bruised, low on ammunition, and most (or all for some of them) of their luck points are gone, because of the intensity of the airport assault, just hellacious.
The teams are getting ready for pickup, and most of the groups are looking in the book, tallying XP, and doing paperwork stuff.
Jellyfish then gets the wild hair idea to "Full auto the rest of his M-60 belt into the air, just to make a statement...like Rambo."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Boomboomboomboomboom! LULULULU THIS, %$^&#$%^&*#$s!"
DM: You're out of ammo.
Player1 "Jellyfish": Damn straight! I survey the battlefield, and look at all the dead Libyans. I got MY 30 badguys, how 'bout you, Slick?
DM (to "Slick"): Okay, what are you doing? Jelly empties his gun.
Player2 "Slick" (dead calm voice): "Hey, Bootcamp, don't waste ammo like that, it's bad luck."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Luck!? Woo, I don't need LUCK! I'm GOOD! Hooyah! Don't waste ammo, waste the bad guys WITH the ammo! C'mon, have a little fun, right? 30 kills! Go ME! Super Squid! We rock! Feet wet, 50 feet off the deck!"
Player2 "Slick": (ooc) "I ignore his Rambo BS, and wait for the extract. Do I see it?"
DM: (messes with tape player, Hard core Rambo music starts playing. "You guys by the civvie aircraft, make spot rolls, you other guys (from the other teams) are too far away."
Player2 "Slick": (rolls okay) OOC: "Yeah, missed the roll. Wait a minute. It should be coming in dark. GM, didn't you mean listen roll?"
Player1 "Jellyfish": (rolls really good.) "Woo! I see the extract chopper miles off! I am the ^&%$ !"
DM: (to "Slick") NO. I meant spot roll. The flames on the burning fuel dump in the distance grow brighter, if that's possible.
Player2 "Slick": "Man, something's up."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Yeah it is, What's up is the fuel dump is going up, and I see a Navy Cross in my future!"
Player2 "Slick": "Man, something's up, I know it. I look out into the darkness, in my visual arc."
DM: "Jelly is surrounded by spent brass, and belt links, As he looks up over the sights of his M-60, in what remains of the mostly shatterred overhead lights, and by the glow of the fuel dump ablaze, he sees the head and shoulder of a Libyan officer, crouching behind the tire of the aircraft, not 30 feet away, leaning out from cover, leveling an AK-74 at both of you. It seems likely he has come from the cargo area. "Son of Satan! I kill you! Die! (and assorted Arabic curse words)"
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Not tonight, pal! I full auto him!" (rolls dice) "Blam! Tango down!"
DM: Nope. You emptied the belt.
Player2 "Slick": "I hear his shout, I spin around, trying to aquire the target."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Oh, man! No way, Jose'! Pistol! I go to pistol!"
DM: You draw your pistol. The Libyan fires, full auto. (rolls) 01, Head/neck, crit. You go down.
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "Luck point!"
DM: (looks at his sheet) You're out. You used your last one to duck the fuel farm explosion in the culvert, a while ago.
Player2 "Slick": "I blow a luck point, and shoot the badguy in the head."
Player 1 "Jellyfish": (OOC) TIME OUT! Damn! No, No, No, wait! Use one to save me?
DM: "Slick?"
Player2 "Slick": How many I got left?
DM: "You don't know."
[Long pause]
Player2 "Slick": (frowns) I use it to kill that bad guy...wait! [pause] Yeah.
DM: Game on. You blow his head off with a well placed shot from your Colt Commando.
[long pause]
DM: "Okay, Jelly, hand me your sheet. Jelly is hit bad, and can talk, barely...and can't move."
[long pause]
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "No. No. Slick. Slick, I think I'm dying. Save me."
Player2 "Slick": Bad guy, I punched his ticket for sure, right? I assess Jelly, break out a bandage, try to patch him up. Any luck left on me?
DM: [looks at Jelly's sheet, looks at his notes.] No.
Player2 "Slick": "Damn. I try to bandage him, anyway."
DM: Medical skill roll. He's shot in the neck, really bad, too much to stop, unless you make the roll.
Player2 "Slick": (bad roll) "Damn."
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "Am I dying?"
DM: You both hear the extract chopper approaching.
Player 2 "Slick": "Hang in there, bootcamp." OOC: I pop smoke.
DM: The smoke bounces down the runway, making a metallic rolling noise, hissing out smoke. Jelly, you feel weak. You got a few words left, before you pass out from blood loss.
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "Damn, this blows. I wanted...man. I messed up, Slick."
DM: Jelly's eyes glaze. The chopper flares and lands near the smoke. Guys in helmets come running out.
Player 2 "Slick": I start CPR, something. No help?
DM: He's almost gone. You work it by yourself, blood all over you now. A Corpsman comes up, and you both work on him. (rolls). "He's gone."
Player 2 "Slick": "Yeah. There it is. What a....[Glares at DM] Oh man. OH man! (hard) Jelly, I think you're gonna get your damn Navy Cross I'll see to it personally...Bravo Zulu, Bootcamp. Easy day. (a full minute of swearing follows, as the rest of the players sit, stunned.)"
the groups rogue opens a locked door, and the entire party walks into the balcony that overlooks the first floors main hall, the halfling and rogue look over the enge and see 5 vampires and something like 20 humans in black spikey full plate with swords and sheilds. and the halfling shouts out
"LETS KILL 'EM FOR XP!"
then jumps off the ledge...
the only one to survive that was the rogue, because he hid himself very well.
"Anything is possible with a natural 20."
"Madness? This. Is. KARRNATH!"
"Madness? This. Is. KARRNATH!"
::facepalm::
Said by a player last game:
"Anything is possible with a natural 20."
In that same vein, one of my friends once said, "Man who can roll nat 20, can do anything."
Slightly off topic, but...
Mature forums? Try as I may I can find neither sight nor sound of said forums.
They must be really obvious. I never miss anything unless it is.
http://forums.gleemax.com/forumdisplay.php?f=126
Player 1: I !
Players 2&3: *reactions of contempt*
Me(DM): the party looks at you in awe. The leader says slowly, "riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." and keeps walking. The party seems to be keeping their distance from you.
Player 1: Well... since they don't like me anymore, I kill myself!:D
Me: Okay. Roll up a new character.
Player 1: ...
Me: I mean it. you're dead. Roll up a new character.
Player 1: You're serious?!
Me: Yup.
Player 1: I'm dead?
Me: Yeah, that tends to be the case when you commit suicide.
Player 1: Oh... maybe I'll play a . When do I come in?
Me: When we get to an appropriate place.
Player 1: ...And that'll be...?
Me: In about two or three sessions.
Player 1: :OMG!
And failed every last one :D
DM:"So you want to have the barbarian grab your sorcerer's ankles and hang him five feet down the pit so his cone can reach the enemy?"
Me: "Yes"
DM: "OK, the barbarian should be strong enough."
A minute (real time), and one successful strength check later:
DM: Roll your damage: We'll need a save from the tiger (Druid's animal companion) too. Roll the damage.
Druid's player: 23 for the kitty. *Success*
Me: 13 sonic.
DM: The monster dies.
Not comedy, not by a long shot, but Heavy Drama, in a virile, manly sort of way.
So, if you're looking for a laugh, skip over. I thought it was one of the best lines I've heard, so here it is, as my contribution to the best thread i have seen in a long time.
Three small teams of mixed elite force commando types had been inserted into Libya in the 80's, on a mission to storm an aircraft that had been skyjacked, and diverted to an airbase inside Libya. [TSSI Commando Mission, by TSR...from the book, modified by the DM.]
A furious battle ensues at the airbase, and ultimately the plane is boarded, the tower is destroyed in a huge fireball, the AvGas dump is blown up for good measure.
One two-man commando buddy team, "Jellyfish" (who has played 1 session prior to this) and "Slick" (who has played for some time) are wounded (but patched up, somewhat) facing out in a tactical back to back stance on one knee, on the tarmac, right near the landing gear of the aircraft, and one of them looks at his character sheet, and says, "Man! I got 30 of them!"
DM: "Guys by the civilian aircraft, make spot rolls."
Player1 "Jellyfish": (rolls) Fail.
Player1 "Slick": (rolls) Fail.
DM: You notice the flames of the fire near the AvGas area getting larger.
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Think it's gonna keep blowing up?"
Player1 "Slick": "Probably."
DM: In your headset microphones, you hear over some static, the huey evac calls in, "Speargun six five, Feet dry, 10 mikes out."
The teams are battered and bruised, low on ammunition, and most (or all for some of them) of their luck points are gone, because of the intensity of the airport assault, just hellacious.
The teams are getting ready for pickup, and most of the groups are looking in the book, tallying XP, and doing paperwork stuff.
Jellyfish then gets the wild hair idea to "Full auto the rest of his M-60 belt into the air, just to make a statement...like Rambo."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "HOOOOOOOOOOOOOYAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Boomboomboomboomboom! LULULULU THIS, %$^&#$%^&*#$s!"
DM: You're out of ammo.
Player1 "Jellyfish": Damn straight! I survey the battlefield, and look at all the dead Libyans. I got MY 30 badguys, how 'bout you, Slick?
DM (to "Slick"): Okay, what are you doing? Jelly empties his gun.
Player2 "Slick" (dead calm voice): "Hey, Bootcamp, don't waste ammo like that, it's bad luck."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Luck!? Woo, I don't need LUCK! I'm GOOD! Hooyah! Don't waste ammo, waste the bad guys WITH the ammo! C'mon, have a little fun, right? 30 kills! Go ME! Super Squid! We rock! Feet wet, 50 feet off the deck!"
Player2 "Slick": (ooc) "I ignore his Rambo BS, and wait for the extract. Do I see it?"
DM: (messes with tape player, Hard core Rambo music starts playing. "You guys by the civvie aircraft, make spot rolls, you other guys (from the other teams) are too far away."
Player2 "Slick": (rolls okay) OOC: "Yeah, missed the roll. Wait a minute. It should be coming in dark. GM, didn't you mean listen roll?"
Player1 "Jellyfish": (rolls really good.) "Woo! I see the extract chopper miles off! I am the ^&%$ !"
DM: (to "Slick") NO. I meant spot roll. The flames on the burning fuel dump in the distance grow brighter, if that's possible.
Player2 "Slick": "Man, something's up."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Yeah it is, What's up is the fuel dump is going up, and I see a Navy Cross in my future!"
Player2 "Slick": "Man, something's up, I know it. I look out into the darkness, in my visual arc."
DM: "Jelly is surrounded by spent brass, and belt links, As he looks up over the sights of his M-60, in what remains of the mostly shatterred overhead lights, and by the glow of the fuel dump ablaze, he sees the head and shoulder of a Libyan officer, crouching behind the tire of the aircraft, not 30 feet away, leaning out from cover, leveling an AK-74 at both of you. It seems likely he has come from the cargo area. "Son of Satan! I kill you! Die! (and assorted Arabic curse words)"
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Not tonight, pal! I full auto him!" (rolls dice) "Blam! Tango down!"
DM: Nope. You emptied the belt.
Player2 "Slick": "I hear his shout, I spin around, trying to aquire the target."
Player1 "Jellyfish": "Oh, man! No way, Jose'! Pistol! I go to pistol!"
DM: You draw your pistol. The Libyan fires, full auto. (rolls) 01, Head/neck, crit. You go down.
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "Luck point!"
DM: (looks at his sheet) You're out. You used your last one to duck the fuel farm explosion in the culvert, a while ago.
Player2 "Slick": "I blow a luck point, and shoot the badguy in the head."
Player 1 "Jellyfish": (OOC) TIME OUT! Damn! No, No, No, wait! Use one to save me?
DM: "Slick?"
Player2 "Slick": How many I got left?
DM: "You don't know."
[Long pause]
Player2 "Slick": (frowns) I use it to kill that bad guy...wait! [pause] Yeah.
DM: Game on. You blow his head off with a well placed shot from your Colt Commando.
[long pause]
DM: "Okay, Jelly, hand me your sheet. Jelly is hit bad, and can talk, barely...and can't move."
[long pause]
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "No. No. Slick. Slick, I think I'm dying. Save me."
Player2 "Slick": Bad guy, I punched his ticket for sure, right? I assess Jelly, break out a bandage, try to patch him up. Any luck left on me?
DM: [looks at Jelly's sheet, looks at his notes.] No.
Player2 "Slick": "Damn. I try to bandage him, anyway."
DM: Medical skill roll. He's shot in the neck, really bad, too much to stop, unless you make the roll.
Player2 "Slick": (bad roll) "Damn."
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "Am I dying?"
DM: You both hear the extract chopper approaching.
Player 2 "Slick": "Hang in there, bootcamp." OOC: I pop smoke.
DM: The smoke bounces down the runway, making a metallic rolling noise, hissing out smoke. Jelly, you feel weak. You got a few words left, before you pass out from blood loss.
Player 1 "Jellyfish": "Damn, this blows. I wanted...man. I messed up, Slick."
DM: Jelly's eyes glaze. The chopper flares and lands near the smoke. Guys in helmets come running out.
Player 2 "Slick": I start CPR, something. No help?
DM: He's almost gone. You work it by yourself, blood all over you now. A Corpsman comes up, and you both work on him. (rolls). "He's gone."
Player 2 "Slick": "Yeah. There it is. What a....[Glares at DM] Oh man. OH man! (hard) Jelly, I think you're gonna get your damn Navy Cross I'll see to it personally...Bravo Zulu, Bootcamp. Easy day. (a full minute of swearing follows, as the rest of the players sit, stunned.)"
Pure awesome. You win the intarwebz.
This is more of a 'you had to be there moment' and the quote itself isn't funny, but the guy's reaction was priceless.
Player 1: I !
Players 2&3: *reactions of contempt*
Me(DM): the party looks at you in awe. The leader says slowly, "riiiiiiiiiiiiiight..." and keeps walking. The party seems to be keeping their distance from you.
Player 1: Well... since they don't like me anymore, I kill myself!:D
Me: Okay. Roll up a new character.
Player 1: ...
Me: I mean it. you're dead. Roll up a new character.
Player 1: You're serious?!
Me: Yup.
Player 1: I'm dead?
Me: Yeah, that tends to be the case when you commit suicide.
Player 1: Oh... maybe I'll play a . When do I come in?
Me: When we get to an appropriate place.
Player 1: ...And that'll be...?
Me: In about two or three sessions.
Player 1: :OMG!
Wow. That's a little mean. Funny, but mean. You really went through with that ruling? What new character did he roll up?
Not comedy, not by a long shot, but Heavy Drama, in a virile, manly sort of way.
Now that, Etarnon, is what role playing is all about to me. That is frickin' GOLD.
Hexblade: I check the map
DM: Roll intelligence check
Hexblade: 7
DM: You can't find the mountain
Sorcerer: Let me try *Rolls* F***! A 1!
DM: You hold the map upside down and say "There should be a swamp there!"
DM: You can't find the mountain
Ummm... Wow!
"You can't find the mountain...."
Wow!
That's a frakkin keeper!
Pure awesome. You win the intarwebz.
Could you, maybe, just possibly, snip the four page long post when you're making a one-line reply? You lose the intarwebz.
You you, maybe, just possibly, snip the four page long post when you're making a one-line reply? You lose the intarwebz.
Could you, maybe, just possibly, say "could you" instead of "you you"?
i think he was emphasizing that he was talking to the "you" of said post
Er, no, Dave is right -- that was just my fingers outrunning my brain.
Er, no, Dave is right -- that was just my fingers outrunning my brain.
Ha, it happens!
This happened when we were trying to find our way to a mountain.
Hexblade: I check the map
DM: Roll intelligence check
Hexblade: 7
DM: You can't find the mountain
Sorcerer: Let me try *Rolls* F***! A 1!
DM: You hold the map upside down and say "There should be a swamp there!"
That reminds me of when a party I was in was trying to find a certain plant in a dense forest. Luckily for us we had a druid with us!
Druid: *rolls Knowledge: Nature, gets a 1*
DM: You find trees.
Dwarf: "What are you going to do? Turn me into an elf? Ha ha h...*Poof*"
Player OOC: "THAT'S JUST TOTALLY UNCOOL MAN!"
Wow. That's a little mean. Funny, but mean. You really went through with that ruling? What new character did he roll up?
Yeah. I think he rolled up something psionic, but the campaign failed and he never got a chance to play. And yes, it was mean, but he was always doing little stupid things that screwed things up for everyone else. Hell, the previous campign ended because he threatened to kill an important ally, though I suppose that it was poor planning on my part for not counting on him making people he needs hate him.
Necropolitan: Nothing much. I died and undied, and our wizard got pregnant.
Bard: You mean the wizards cohort.
Necropolitan: No, I mean our wizard.
Bard: How? Why?
Me: A wizard did it, and because I needed a commodity to pay off my debt somehow. Seemed like the easiest way, because no one would lend me their kids.
Bard: But aren't you undead?
Me: I got better.
Bard: How long were you undead for?
Me: On the record, exactly 0 seconds. Off the record, that would be 8 months. (about 1.5 years alternate planet time.)
Bard: So, a true ressurection?
Me: No. It was a revivify.
Bard: So who's the father?
Me: You mean mother. That would be my item familiar. (polymorph fixes everything!)
Bard: You people are insane.
Me: I took a feat for that.
Necropolitan: We're a party of casters! It's just that, the wizard is the only one with caster levels!
Me: I thought I was a psion.
Necropolitan: Good point. We're all casters, except the wizard. The wizards a psion.
The-parties-good-natured-death-god (literal. Every party needs at least one lesser diety.): Damn. I was trying to scare them away tactfully.
Party: Gee, violence is a real classy way to start that.
Monk, the Dwarf Fighter - we call him monk b/c the first char he made was an incredibly bad monk. He's also incredibly stupid.
Pixie Warlok
Human Dragon Shaman
Human Duskblade
The party was climbing a mountain at extremeley high alitude, and was trying to find a way to breath the thin atmosphere:
Monk: hey, do we have a bowl or something?
Pixie Warlock: why?
Monk: Well, we've got these Water Breathing Rings, right? So let's just fill some bowls with water and breathe that!
Party:...
DM [me]: OMFG THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!!!
The party was climbing a mountain at extremeley high alitude, and was trying to find a way to breath the thin atmosphere:
Monk: hey, do we have a bowl or something?
Pixie Warlock: why?
Monk: Well, we've got these Water Breathing Rings, right? So let's just fill some bowls with water and breathe that!
Party:...
DM [me]: OMFG THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!!!
Wow. I need to remember that one.
P1 had found P2 in the closet, but couldn't coax him out (He didn't attend the session), and considered using Knock to open the presently-locked door. We considered the aesthetic of the spell being cast and imagine the door flying straight into P2.
So, player 1 pops in (RP-wise it was a failed teleportation effect as he was working on an enchanted bedknob) and finds these "hostages" being attacked. He then spends the next 2 hours realtime killing all four of them, using virtually every offensive spell he had, eventually having to kill the final Anathemic Carapace with Minor Image (Longer story).
So, after this, and the releasing of the "hostages", he ends the session with a single thought:
Diviner: Right, I'm going down a floor, to that closet, and I'm casting Knock
start it with that and ill make sure to read it.
Now we find ouselfs walking around wearing trench coats and carrying automatic weapns when we encounter a Elven village. Now, this we could deal with, until we got further into the village where we ound a pixie running a vendor stand, selling potions and the like. Now one of the party members, who had never played regular D&D before, heard the GMs description of the pixie, and said, "So she's like a midget with wings?"
It would have been funny except we had a house rule where everything you said, unless you say so before hand, was IC. So next thing you know, we had a very angry pixie to deal with.
now i have got to know the minor image story.
start it with that and ill make sure to read it.
Okay then:
*Round 1: Human Diviner/Loremaster (L13) VS CR 9 Emerald Gyre
The gist of this is that it involved a number of Fiery Bursts, a Fireball, and Disintegrate to finally kill the thing. After this point, he was down to less than 10 hit points.
Round 2: Human Diviner/Loremaster (L13) VS CR 9 Alabaster Aerial
This was harder. His first response was to cast Greater Invisibility and get out of it's way, but the presence of about 50 people tied up caused the hasty creation of a Wall of Force between the monster and it's prey, reducing casualties to 2 of them. With the shielding from the wall, the invisibility was dropped to bait the aerial towards him and he fireballed it into oblivion.
Round 3: Human Diviner/Loremaster (L13) VS CR 9 Agile Loper
The wall was still up, so he decided to run down a floor with the thing chasing him (Using Expeditious Retreat to get ahead). He ran into a room and then, when the Loper caught up, he used Dimensional Jaunt to quickly get out of the way and used the Blade Barrier from his Impervious Vestment to trap the rather unfortunate thing in the magical equivalent of a blender.
Round 4: Human Diviner/Loremaster (L13) VS CR 9 Anathemic Carapace
Here we are, the final battle. Since the Emerald Gyre, he's had to keep running along with less than 10 HP, so he's already doing pretty darn well. This fight didn't take too long after the Loper, so he baited the bug onto a stairwell and cast Solid Fog. He then successfully used Hide and cast Minor Image to make it look like the Carapace was still chasing him...right into the same room the Loper met it's fate in.
There was, suffice it to say, a substantial boom when it finally bought the big one, since this was only a couple rounds after it appeared.
*Note: "Round" in this sense applies as in a boxing match, not actual D&D time equivalents
The party:
Monk, the Dwarf Fighter - we call him monk b/c the first char he made was an incredibly bad monk. He's also incredibly stupid.
Pixie Warlok
Human Dragon Shaman
Human Duskblade
The party was climbing a mountain at extremeley high alitude, and was trying to find a way to breath the thin atmosphere:
Monk: hey, do we have a bowl or something?
Pixie Warlock: why?
Monk: Well, we've got these Water Breathing Rings, right? So let's just fill some bowls with water and breathe that!
Party:...
DM [me]: OMFG THAT WAS BRILLIANT!!!!!
wow the Monk must be one smart guy! im sure it must just be terrible luck at rolling!
Monk: Well, we've got these Water Breathing Rings, right? So let's just fill some bowls with water and breathe that!
That... is a thing of beauty.
That... is a thing of beauty.
Yeah, until the DM rules that the higher elevation and lower temperatures makes the water freeze.
Hope you have some way to get a bowl of ice off your face.
Yorthae: He plays a Female grey elf Cleric of Lolth, always arrogant, always bossy.
Hannah: Female human Barbarian a ttle on the timid side.
Markus: Kobold sorcerer
The Party is currently in a Tavern in the port, trying to find out a few things.Yorthae is gathering Info and drinking with some of the dock-workers, one beeing quite intereseted in this Cha 18 elf...and our cleric is even willing to follow the man to his shabyappartment, but when it comes to sex , suddenly :
Y: `No i don't want to sleep with him, i could get pregnant again and it's bad for my reputation in this town.
Markus: What reputaton? An exotix goodlooking elf-women who is ready to follow the next best drunk home in exchange for some drinks?
Y: mhm, but i can't kill him, mhm i'll give him a b***job.
DM: The man smiles happily at you mumbles, wow that was great, I#m going to tell all my friends of you.
M: Now you are the exotic easygoing elf who knows nteresting sexual practics...
Y: Ok he shall see what he got from it. I infect him with slimey doom!
M: ... and who has sexually transmittable diseases...
Me (talking about my wizard)
Husband: talking about HIS wizard/cleric/artificer
Friend: (discussing dervish)
Bro-inlaw: (discussing his lich necromancer)
Me: Yeah, and then he's (the lich) going to take your wand (we call it Lucien's Vibrator for some odd reason; it's some thing that boosts his CL for item creation) and put it where the sun never ever shines, and then I don't care how much positive energy you can channel, that thing'll be tainted till the end of time!
F: laughs
Bro-in-law: I'll give it to my goddess (Kiaranselee) and she'll use it for what you guys call it.
H: But I can emit 24 times a day!!
Me (acting as my wizard) Oh, really...*big smile*
Everybody had to stop what they were doing or die laughing, our friend literally spit coffee halfway across the room.
Yeah, until the DM rules that the higher elevation and lower temperatures makes the water freeze.
Hope you have some way to get a bowl of ice off your face.
Hello, friendly neighborhood Monk/Dwarf Fighter here, in case u didnt figure it out. The Solution: Dragon Shaman uses Aura of Endure Elements
wow the Monk must be one smart guy! im sure it must just be terrible luck at rolling!
Stop praising yourself, Monk! :D
Dragon Shaman uses Aura of Endure Elements
Edit: ah, Monk beat me to it.
Hello, friendly neighborhood Monk/Dwarf Fighter here, in case u didnt figure it out. The Solution: Dragon Shaman uses Aura of Endure Elements
You forget. Endure Elements will help you survive the cold, but that doesn't mean it'll stop water from freezing around your face. Although I would like to point out that decreased air pressure reduces the boiling point and melting point. I'd mention that and hope the DM decides that adding our body heat to the water is enough to prevent freezing.
You forget. Endure Elements will help you survive the cold, but that doesn't mean it'll stop water from freezing around your face. Although I would like to point out that decreased air pressure reduces the boiling point and melting point. I'd mention that and hope the DM decides that adding our body heat to the water is enough to prevent freezing.
shush, dont you know he reads this! ;)
at least i'll be ok; in-game joke that my Dwarf has a beard seemingly infinite in length that is very warm and fuzzy, like hugging a baby seal. The Pixie Warlock is riding in it for warmth. Im cool like that.
Since you know about air pressure and such, let me ask you whether the actual set-up of the water will help. After my idea, i made a Craft Stonework check to make stone SCUBA equipment for the party. So, the water is inside stone mask things around our faces, a closed system. We never specified the thickness, so how thick would it need to be to have the immediate contact with our faces counteract the cold leeching through the rock? And i took 20, we had plenty of stone, so it is very form fitting, no leaks.
Of course, bear in mind it cant be so thick that it would interfere with just moving our heads.
shush, dont you know he reads this! ;)
at least i'll be ok; in-game joke that my Dwarf has a beard seemingly infinite in length that is very warm and fuzzy, like hugging a baby seal. The Pixie Warlock is riding in it for warmth. Im cool like that.
Since you know about air pressure and such, let me ask you whether the actual set-up of the water will help. After my idea, i made a Craft Stonework check to make stone SCUBA equipment for the party. So, the water is inside stone mask things around our faces, a closed system. We never specified the thickness, so how thick would it need to be to have the immediate contact with our faces counteract the cold leeching through the rock? And i took 20, we had plenty of stone, so it is very form fitting, no leaks.
Of course, bear in mind it cant be so thick that it would interfere with just moving our heads.
Stone is a horrible insulator so what I would advise would be to make it thick enough that it won't break easily (so doesn't have to be too thick) and wrap scarves around the entire apparatus and your head. Build a fire to get some starting heat to trap in the scarf and between that and your own radiant body heat it should keep the water warm enough (despite the closed system negating the lower melting point benefit of lower air pressure).
... Y'all do all have cold weather outfits, and aren't just relying on the Dragon Shaman's Aura, right?
... Right?
not sayin we're not stupid, but even i have a lower limit
of course, we're not that stupid
not sayin we're not stupid, but even i have a lower limit
...oh hey, you guys shoulda frozen to death by now. Heh.
Dosen't matter; they killed a Frost Worm and stole its eggs. I'll let clothing stand.
They also have socks. Specificaly, socks made from Dire Fiendish Sheep woll. And a pair made from Dragonhide. Don;t ask how the socks are pliable enoguh, I rolled on a materials chart. Jusr be lucky it didn't land on "adamantine" or "wall of force".
...lol socks of force. heh...I'll have to use that...
They also have socks. Specificaly, socks made from Dire Fiendish Sheep woll. And a pair made from Dragonhide. Don;t ask how the socks are pliable enoguh, I rolled on a materials chart. Jusr be lucky it didn't land on "adamantine" or "wall of force".
...lol socks of force. heh...I'll have to use that...
I am so asking for a pair of Dragonhide Socks...
As for the Adamantine Socks..."I take off my boots and kick down the stone wall!" :D
Me: So whatd I miss
DM: well, you are in the Temple of the Sand Mistress, and currently the part is in this cirular room with three levers on the wall.
Now apparantly they hadnt decided what to do about the levers... but I did
Me: I Pull a Lever
The Party proceeds to run into another room and shut the door. The DM tells me
DM: Nothing Happens
Me: I Scream bloody murder
Party comes running into the room
Me: Ah-ha got you. Now I pull the next lever
Party runs back into another room for cover
DM: The wall explodes
In another instance, I was playing a cleric and was using Cure spells against udead.
Me: I cast Cure Serious Wounds. I make a heal check to find out its health status
DM: It almost back to life
Lastly, on Item creation.
Can I make a +6 Thong of Charisma?
(there is one escaping me, but i cant think of it right now...)
Bobo
shush, dont you know he reads this! ;)
at least i'll be ok; in-game joke that my Dwarf has a beard seemingly infinite in length that is very warm and fuzzy, like hugging a baby seal. The Pixie Warlock is riding in it for warmth. Im cool like that.
Since you know about air pressure and such, let me ask you whether the actual set-up of the water will help. After my idea, i made a Craft Stonework check to make stone SCUBA equipment for the party. So, the water is inside stone mask things around our faces, a closed system. We never specified the thickness, so how thick would it need to be to have the immediate contact with our faces counteract the cold leeching through the rock? And i took 20, we had plenty of stone, so it is very form fitting, no leaks.
Of course, bear in mind it cant be so thick that it would interfere with just moving our heads.
Well, it looks like you already got your answer. Freezing point won't drop any if it's enclosed. Maybe if you can enchant something in the helmet with heat metal . . . But just how are you seeing out of it?
The situation: We've been asked to rob an apothecary belonging to the territory of a gang composed of half-orcs and half-elves (because everyone hates them). It's right across from a popular tavern, so getting out will be the problem; further confirming this is the fact that the place is manned by an old lady with terrible eyesight.
DM: The old woman can't seem to see you very clearly. She mumbles something that sounds a little like "Good day to you, dearies!"
Void: I sneak around behind her with my greatclub. I make a ready action to kill her as soon as Tom speaks.
At this point, we were dying. It was late and it had just come off so perfectly.
Tom: I look into her eyes and say, "Your life is over." I turn around and begin securing the door.
It doesn't look all that funny in text, but at the time, just imagining it...
Old Woman: Good day to you, dearies!
Tom: Your life is over.
Instead of the fire, if you cannot sustain one due to the lack of oxygen, then pull out a rope and wrap it around a container of water, and rub it back and forth on the container, fast and for a bit of time, the friction should heat up the water.
If you can't do that or don't have rope then I would just stick to the body heat thing
"Right, slave pits it is."
Well, it looks like you already got your answer. Freezing point won't drop any if it's enclosed. Maybe if you can enchant something in the helmet with heat metal . . . But just how are you seeing out of it?
Since the ever-wise DM had no idea how much water you actually needed to have in order to breathe it, we basically just have a bowl strapped to our faces filled with water; its contoured to avoid getting in our eyes.
Since we're now on top of the mountain, he cant backdate freeze us; either the Pixie Warlock has a teleport spell or, (completely in character), im gonna blast down the mountain on my tower shield. Yes, i will die. But it will be epic. If it really comes down to that i'll try to ramp off the mountain, then use my Phoenix Helmet to featherfall to earth. Anybody else who wants a suicide plunge is welcome to join me
What is really amusing is trying to communicate while wearing the masks;
DM: Everybody make a spot check... Monk, ur the only one that passed. There's some kind of giant ice monster up in front of you.
Me: (frantically waving my arms to get the party's attention) Glub Glub! gurglegurglegurglegurgle!
Since the ever-wise DM had no idea how much water you actually needed to have in order to breathe it, we basically just have a bowl strapped to our faces filled with water; its contoured to avoid getting in our eyes.
Since we're now on top of the mountain, he cant backdate freeze us; either the Pixie Warlock has a teleport spell or, (completely in character), im gonna blast down the mountain on my tower shield. Yes, i will die. But it will be epic. If it really comes down to that i'll try to ramp off the mountain, then use my Phoenix Helmet to featherfall to earth. Anybody else who wants a suicide plunge is welcome to join me
What is really amusing is trying to communicate while wearing the masks;
DM: Everybody make a spot check... Monk, ur the only one that passed. There's some kind of giant ice monster up in front of you.
Me: (frantically waving my arms to get the party's attention) Glub Glub! gurglegurglegurglegurgle!
Your group is made of epic and win.
The first actual DnD campaign I ever played in, 3.0 rules. I was an Anthropomorphic Wolf Barb/Ranger TWF a Kitana and Kusari-Gama. Yes I was a walking Cliche, but we all have to start somewhere.
Anyways, we had gotten teleported to this one Demiplane, the rest of the party consisted of a Petitioner Monk and a Incubi Lasher with a charisma score of "yes".
We ran into a group of armed guards, the Incubi walked up and started talking with them, IC, and doing rather poorly.
Me: (OOC)Do you have *any* ranks in Diplomacy?
Him: (OOC)No, i figured my natural charisma would help out
Me: (OOC)it does if you didn't just effectively call him a backwater yokel. I don't understand why you don't just roll
Him: (OOC)Oh, ok, I detect thoughts on him
DM: He's Angry cause you just called him a backwater Yokel.
Him: (OOC)Oh. Ok. (IC) Your mother was a @#$%@.
Monk: (OOC)Ok, i'm cutting in here (roll) (IC) So was your dad.
Me: (OOC)(facepalm) I'll try untrained. (roll) (IC)Woof.
Monk: (OOC)Screw this, i'm using leap of the clouds. (roll) 20, total of 50.
DM: The guards look at you in wonderment as you fly sky high up into the air and don't appear to be coming back
Me: (IC)He had to step out for a moment, he'll be right back.
The monk then proceeded to Houserule-beat the DM into letting him treat his falling distance as charge distance, and he landed, feet first, right into the captain of the guard, double crit with both feet.
DM: The rest of the guards flee in terror as you fall out of the sky like a meteor, flattening the captain's armor into a concave shape with two very flat foot shaped impressions. (pause, looks at the damage roll) In a crater.
Monk: (exuberant)THAT'S HOW YOU ROLL DIPLOMACY!
Later on we were sent to the nearest "savage" township to do some more diplomacy.
DM: As you approach the village, you're stopped by a Half-Orc Nixie guard. "Halt! Be Ye Friend or.."
Me: WAIT! What? A Half-orc Nixie?
DM: Yes.
Monk: (Grabbing his copy of the MM) N.. N.. N.. here we are, Nix... wh... Size Small
Me: (grabbing my copy)Orc..... Uhh...
Inc: HOW
DM: it was a simpler time, drugs were plentiful, love was free
Monk: Who was the mother?
Me: I don't think i want to know
DM: Well, Pixies are magical creatures, it works.
Monk: Some kind of magic has to be in work here... maybe polymorph.
DM: Not in this world, remember? High level arcanists are hunted down and killed by the Psion Ki
Me: (interrupting again) Mordenkaiden's Lubrication!!!
We had to stop for 10 minutes while the DM ran out of the room to avoid peeing his pants.
Yes I realize now it's Lucubration. but Like i said, this was my first game, and not having read the spell description. I honestly thought that was what the spell did.
The only other thing I can remember from that Campaign was the Incubi *loved* using detect thoughts on everything from frogs and dogs, to High level Psions. The DM was getting tired of it, since he didn't write the campaign around Detect Thoughts, and we had to physically remind the player about occasions when using the ability would actually be useful.
Finally, when we were shown in to the orc chieftan after the "lubrication" debachle, he looked at the DM and said.
Inc: I use detect thoughts on the Orc Chieftan!
DM: (withering stare)
Me: Oh gods
Inc: What?
DM: You realize you have charisma 40. Average charisma of the orcs around here is somewhere in the neighborhood of 7, even the nixies arn't that good looking.
Inc: So?
DM: (looking him straight in the face, completely deadpan) Even though he has a harem of dozens of orc females, and is completely Straight. You make him want to try.
Inc: Try what?
Me: (snickering)
Inc: What?
Monk: He wants to bend you over a chair and take an attack of opportunity, and he has Combat Expertise.
The incubus quickly screamed EWWW and ran out of the room.
That's all for now, but Lord do I have more stories, including the Adventures of Charir Irmrith Vutha, my first DnD campaign that I *ran*, ever, from scratch, and the Star Wars d20 game from hell.
nasty but awesome
I have to say this topic is constructed entirely out of win, with Awesome being used for Mortar. I'm on page 114 right now, but I just remembered a few choice stories.
The first actual DnD campaign I ever played in, 3.0 rules. I was an Anthropomorphic Wolf Barb/Ranger TWF a Kitana and Kusari-Gama. Yes I was a walking Cliche, but we all have to start somewhere.
Anyways, we had gotten teleported to this one Demiplane, the rest of the party consisted of a Petitioner Monk and a Incubi Lasher with a charisma score of "yes".
We ran into a group of armed guards, the Incubi walked up and started talking with them, IC, and doing rather poorly.
Me: (OOC)Do you have *any* ranks in Diplomacy?
Him: (OOC)No, i figured my natural charisma would help out
Me: (OOC)it does if you didn't just effectively call him a backwater yokel. I don't understand why you don't just roll
Him: (OOC)Oh, ok, I detect thoughts on him
DM: He's Angry cause you just called him a backwater Yokel.
Him: (OOC)Oh. Ok. (IC) Your mother was a @#$%@.
Monk: (OOC)Ok, i'm cutting in here (roll) (IC) So was your dad.
Me: (OOC)(facepalm) I'll try untrained. (roll) (IC)Woof.
Monk: (OOC)Screw this, i'm using leap of the clouds. (roll) 20, total of 50.
DM: The guards look at you in wonderment as you fly sky high up into the air and don't appear to be coming back
Me: (IC)He had to step out for a moment, he'll be right back.
The monk then proceeded to Houserule-beat the DM into letting him treat his falling distance as charge distance, and he landed, feet first, right into the captain of the guard, double crit with both feet.
DM: The rest of the guards flee in terror as you fall out of the sky like a meteor, flattening the captain's armor into a concave shape with two very flat foot shaped impressions. (pause, looks at the damage roll) In a crater.
Monk: (exuberant)THAT'S HOW YOU ROLL DIPLOMACY!
Later on we were sent to the nearest "savage" township to do some more diplomacy.
DM: As you approach the village, you're stopped by a Half-Orc Nixie guard. "Halt! Be Ye Friend or.."
Me: WAIT! What? A Half-orc Nixie?
DM: Yes.
Monk: (Grabbing his copy of the MM) N.. N.. N.. here we are, Nix... wh... Size Small
Me: (grabbing my copy)Orc..... Uhh...
Inc: HOW
DM: it was a simpler time, drugs were plentiful, love was free
Monk: Who was the mother?
Me: I don't think i want to know
DM: Well, Pixies are magical creatures, it works.
Monk: Some kind of magic has to be in work here... maybe polymorph.
DM: Not in this world, remember? High level arcanists are hunted down and killed by the Psion Ki
Me: (interrupting again) Mordenkaiden's Lubrication!!!
We had to stop for 10 minutes while the DM ran out of the room to avoid peeing his pants.
Yes I realize now it's Lucubration. but Like i said, this was my first game, and not having read the spell description. I honestly thought that was what the spell did.
The only other thing I can remember from that Campaign was the Incubi *loved* using detect thoughts on everything from frogs and dogs, to High level Psions. The DM was getting tired of it, since he didn't write the campaign around Detect Thoughts, and we had to physically remind the player about occasions when using the ability would actually be useful.
Finally, when we were shown in to the orc chieftan after the "lubrication" debachle, he looked at the DM and said.
Inc: I use detect thoughts on the Orc Chieftan!
DM: (withering stare)
Me: Oh gods
Inc: What?
DM: You realize you have charisma 40. Average charisma of the orcs around here is somewhere in the neighborhood of 7, even the nixies arn't that good looking.
Inc: So?
DM: (looking him straight in the face, completely deadpan) Even though he has a harem of dozens of orc females, and is completely Straight. You make him want to try.
Inc: Try what?
Me: (snickering)
Inc: What?
Monk: He wants to bend you over a chair and take an attack of opportunity, and he has Combat Expertise.
The incubus quickly screamed EWWW and ran out of the room.
That's all for now, but Lord do I have more stories, including the Adventures of Charir Irmrith Vutha, my first DnD campaign that I *ran*, ever, from scratch, and the Star Wars d20 game from hell.
DM: okay roll.
Rogue: *Rolls a 10* Crap!
DM: *Grins* Congratulations Malak! You're a brain in a jar!
Everyone: :OMG!
I think my eyeballs are going to go on revolt, pop out of my skull, and declare a fiefdom on the pile of papers on my desk. Then i'm gonna have to go to war with them using only my hands.
This week's gonna suck.
Finally finished the topic
I think my eyeballs are going to go on revolt, pop out of my skull, and declare a fiefdom on the pile of papers on my desk. Then i'm gonna have to go to war with them using only my hands.
This week's gonna suck.
Look on the bright side: now, you can keep up with the thread SOOOOO much easier...
Back down, trying to sell the eggs to the mage's guild.
Duskblade: So, what can we get for 5 Frost Wyrm Eggs?
Mage: What? Why do you have 5 Frost Wyrm Eggs?
Duskblade: Because Monk broke one!
classic.
For everybody who wants to hear about my idiotic death defying plunge off the mountain, or who would like to help me with a little physics problem (as in help me not break physics) follow this link:
http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?p=14574727#post14574727
This is the sum total of my over-zealous cleric of Fharlanghn (The Travel God) believes about him. Traskurs is known for his zealotry and is seeking to start a guild of reverence to the travel god. It is a huge difference from my day-to-day life, so I really enjoy this guy :D
So here is his most recent message to those inquiring about Fharlanghn.
The travel god Fharlanghn is a powerful and most benevolent god. Some say He taught Boccob his first spell, introduced Corellon Larethian to the arts of swordplay, and gave Moradin the metal and gems he used to mold the first Dwarves.
He protects those that travel from harm when he is able, for so many travel so often that he cannot help all of them all the time. This is why I travel with no destination, wandering and helping other travelers where Fharlanghn cannot be. Sometimes I attribute my misfortune to the fact that He believes that I can handle these situations well enough on my own. A long time ago he save me and my mother’s lives, so I wish to repay that kindness as well.
I’ve heard stories of how Fharlanghn was the first to fistfight with Kord, played the first prank on Garl Glittergold (and also urged him to travel to the place he found the first Gnomes), and led Elhonna to the first forest she grew to love.
Fharlanghn is known for his luck and humility, so he is a great god who wears the clothes of a common man and uses little or no avatars when he does good on our plane. As a neutral being, he has no alliances and counts none of his actions as mistakes. Unofficially, he handed Nerull the first sickle during the plague times, delivered the last component to Vecna’s lich potion, and told Heironeous about his brother Hextor’s misdeeds.
When Gruumsh became suicidal after losing his eye to Corellon Larethians swordplay, Fharlanghn talked him out of suicide and told him to take ownership of the loss and parlay it into making his followers more fervent. Fharlanghn led Oldimmara to his first party (and was an excellent wingman throughout), gave up the sun to Pelor (sunlight helped his travelers move safer during the day), and taught Obad-Hai how to play his first notes on the shalm.
Fharlanghn was the first to call Yondalla “Nurturing Matriarch” after seeing her helping traveling Halflings, set up the first meeting between the most powerful wizard in the land and Wee Jas, and protected St. Cuthbert on his first quest to smite a thief.
His works are great and many, and his legendary modesty is the only reason that so few people know the sum total of all his works.
Edit: Wall o' text
Nugabug: Oh, so you're going to give me double immortality, eh?
A cleric, attempting to negotiate with the bugbear sorceror Nugabug: Whatever they're paying you, I'll double it!
Nugabug: Oh, so you're going to give me double immortality, eh?
I guess he could go to the end of time, and send the guy back to the beginning...
I guess he could go to the end of time, and send the guy back to the beginning...
The only problem is that in this universe, by the time he got that powerful he'd either have to fight off the powerful devils that use the earth-equivalent planet as a soul farm and viciously attack any mortals that gain 9th level spells, or he'd be living in a chunk of epic Limbo with his god trying to eat him.
It's a pretty messed up world.
I guess he could go to the end of time, and send the guy back to the beginning...
That's actually my brother's theory on the origin of the Mind Flayers, based on the Lords of Madness. The Aboleths were basically the first life to evolve, and they have racial memory back to the very beginning... so understand how much it freaks them out to say they don't know where Mind Flayers came from. They just appeared one day. My brother's working theory is that psionic trans-humans from the end of the universe realized that the stars were burning out and there was nowhere left to go, so they discovered a way to travel back to the beginning of the universe again via the Far Realms. They succeeded, but the journey twisted them into Illithids.
He hasn't done anything with the concept yet, but it'd make an awesome basis for a campaign...
That's actually my brother's theory on the origin of the Mind Flayers, based on the Lords of Madness. The Aboleths were basically the first life to evolve, and they have racial memory back to the very beginning... so understand how much it freaks them out to say they don't know where Mind Flayers came from. They just appeared one day. My brother's working theory is that psionic trans-humans from the end of the universe realized that the stars were burning out and there was nowhere left to go, so they discovered a way to travel back to the beginning of the universe again via the Far Realms. They succeeded, but the journey twisted them into Illithids.
He hasn't done anything with the concept yet, but it'd make an awesome basis for a campaign...
That...that is epic. I love it.
That's actually my brother's theory on the origin of the Mind Flayers, based on the Lords of Madness. The Aboleths were basically the first life to evolve, and they have racial memory back to the very beginning... so understand how much it freaks them out to say they don't know where Mind Flayers came from. They just appeared one day. My brother's working theory is that psionic trans-humans from the end of the universe realized that the stars were burning out and there was nowhere left to go, so they discovered a way to travel back to the beginning of the universe again via the Far Realms. They succeeded, but the journey twisted them into Illithids.
He hasn't done anything with the concept yet, but it'd make an awesome basis for a campaign...
That's last season's finale of Doctor Who...
That's last season's finale of Doctor Who...
except there are no timelords to engineer the whole thing nor are there any tardisies to canabilize into a paradox generator and i think it would take way more than a year to thwart.
That's actually my brother's theory on the origin of the Mind Flayers, based on the Lords of Madness. The Aboleths were basically the first life to evolve, and they have racial memory back to the very beginning... so understand how much it freaks them out to say they don't know where Mind Flayers came from. They just appeared one day. My brother's working theory is that psionic trans-humans from the end of the universe realized that the stars were burning out and there was nowhere left to go, so they discovered a way to travel back to the beginning of the universe again via the Far Realms. They succeeded, but the journey twisted them into Illithids.
He hasn't done anything with the concept yet, but it'd make an awesome basis for a campaign...
Fifty bucks says that the shmucks who went back in time inadvertently cause the death of the universe via a paradox.
Oh, also, D&D has a built in set of explanations for bypassing large tracts of plot and adventure. Either the gods intervened or someone epic did it.
That...that is epic. I love it.
I'll forward your appreciation to him. :D
That's last season's finale of Doctor Who...
Thankfully, he came up with this several years before "The Sound of Drums".
As far as funny quotes go, here's one:
We were playing d20 Star Wars, and surprisingly without a Jedi. The noble, mechanic, and my soldier had basically started an intergalactic trucking company with a ship we got from a disreputable seller. We were trying to earn money by transporting goods and people to various destinations, and one group that hired us was a mercenary contingent that wanted to use us to drop them on a military installation so they could attack it. We weren't aware of their goals, just the general location of where they wanted to be left.
So, after getting shot at, almost blown out of space, and crashing into a few asteroids, we drop them and high-tail it out of there. My character was extremely soft-spoken and came across as very serious (she dearly *wanted* to be a Jedi, but had about a zero Midichlorian count and was way too old, but she tried to act like one). So when we angrily asked our other fare if he was planning on getting us into hot water, an exchange went like this.
Fare (a force user of some sort): "So, the other group screwed you, huh?"
Me (Very quietly and perfectly even in tone): "I am no longer a virgin..."
androgylich: (to rogue) And who is this handsome young man.
Cleric: Man, that thing is going all "Brokeback Dungeon" on you.
Rogue: (to andogylich) I wish I could crit you.
We were all interacting with an androgynous undead thingie that was mighty flirtatious - especially with the sassy, but long suffering rogue (who in this undead heavy campaign seriously regretted his class choice).
androgylich: (to rogue) And who is this handsome young man.
Cleric: Man, that thing is going all "Brokeback Dungeon" on you.
Rogue: (to andogylich) I wish I could crit you.
We were all interacting with an androgynous undead thingie that was mighty flirtatious - especially with the sassy, but long suffering rogue (who in this undead heavy campaign seriously regretted his class choice).
androgylich: (to rogue) And who is this handsome young man.
Cleric: Man, that thing is going all "Brokeback Dungeon" on you.
Rogue: (to andogylich) I wish I could crit you.
This is fracking GOLD.
This is fracking GOLD.
To this day, I still am helpless with laughter when we get to talking about it.
Another good one.
Remember Bloodstone Pass, and that lich tower with the purple worm that filled the entire circular worm shaped corridor?
I was DMing a party through that game, and they came across one of these monstrous purple worms. Thing is, all the party could see was its mouth - It literally had grown to fit the corridor and could grow no further. Anyway, they pwnt it in I think 2 rounds. But I just kept on calling for initiative (1st ed got new initiative every round).
about 10 rounds later:
wiz / thief: how many hit points does this thing have. I cast fireball again.
fighter: I swing again.
Cleric: Well the good thing is that, I have plenty of healing. It isn't doing much dama...... (to the group) Wait a sec, has the worm attacked us recently.
Other players: *murmurs of nos and general surprise*
Cleric: (to me) Is it dead?
DM (me) Yup. Very dead - several times over.
I am immediately pelted with dice.
http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=965934) well the rest of the fight went like thisMe: I cast Etherial Jaunt, climb to the Giant's head and stick there using my mimic glove.
DM: OK you make it, the giant doesn't even notice you're not being smashed.
Me: I plunge my hand into his left eye.
DM: OK he gets a reflex save to shut his eye (rolls) and fails?
Fine your hand is in his eye what do you do now.Me: I cast lightning bolt.
DM:OMG! Well he has to make this fortitude save to avoid having his brain vaporized (rolls) A ONE!!!!!
Me: Looks like I win
DM:
That's actually my brother's theory on the origin of the Mind Flayers, based on the Lords of Madness. The Aboleths were basically the first life to evolve, and they have racial memory back to the very beginning... so understand how much it freaks them out to say they don't know where Mind Flayers came from. They just appeared one day. My brother's working theory is that psionic trans-humans from the end of the universe realized that the stars were burning out and there was nowhere left to go, so they discovered a way to travel back to the beginning of the universe again via the Far Realms. They succeeded, but the journey twisted them into Illithids.
That...that is epic. I love it.
That's last season's finale of Doctor Who...
This is the aforementioned brother speaking.
Credit where it's due. I didn't actually invent that idea, or not entirely. (And yeah, this is WAY previous to last year's Who.) The concepts involved are based on Lords of Madness, and also the source for that LoM article, which was the "Illithiad" sourcebook, by Bruce Cordell, from back in 1998. (Side note: There was a companion book about Beholders called "I, Tyrant". Get it? Eye tyrant? Ha! Ha!) I couldn't swear to it on a Book of Exalted Deeds, but I'm pretty sure it was in the Spelljammer line.
The Illithiad is the book where we get certain concepts I'm not so fond of, such as illithids being born as tadpoles that have to infect and take over a human(-oid) to grow up, as well as the idea that Elder Brains are the center of an illithid society (which is fine) and built of the brains of dead illithids as a sort of immortality (which is stupid). But it did have some pretty interesting suggestions that the Mind Flayers dropped into the world from some other timestream via travel across the edge of the Far Realms, and perhaps that contact with the Far Realms twisted them from your basic psionic squidhead into evil braineating psionic squidheads.
Lords of Madness expanded on that with a full (possible) mythology that suggested that the Illithids fled from some enemy in the far future; that in their attempt to escape, they [aku] tore open a portal in time [/aku] and traveled back to the distant past, where they set up a new empire.
My mental construction went a lot further, and it looks something like this:
In the far future, the world is dark. The stars have burned themselves out; the land is in eternal night and the empire of Illithids covers the world. They are not evil, and not even all that alien -- they are the descendants of the races we know, of humans and elves, of dwarves and orcs, all mixed together and grown powerful in their age. They are powerful psions, but they live in a universe that is dying. In an attempt to escape the final death that is coming, the illithids bend all their psionic power to opening gates to the past.
What happens next is unclear. Were they simply overproud and too trusting in their own might to see the danger? Did they experiment with time travel and simply not discover the risks because they never attempted such a long jump? Did they see the danger and make the attempt anyway, perhaps pressed by a horrible enemy? The answer is unclear (and up to the DM to decide, if necessary).
Whatever the reason, the effect was obvious: Traveling through time so far swept the illithids deep into the far realms -- time travel must, by its nature, travel there, to the Outside, where time is meaningless and physics optional. But in making that trip, the illithids were changed. They left as post-humanoid creatures of great psionic power; they arrived as half-human monsters of great psionic power with a lust for brains... and conquest.
Perhaps vaguely remembering the globe-spanning empire in the entropic night of the Universe's end, the Illithids began building their own empire. The rest is simply history.
My second idea doesn't really work with that first one -- it's just the setup for an awesome epic quest. The campaign idea centers around the idea that the illithids are ontologically unstable; they exist purely in a time loop. At some point in the future, they travel to the past. They set up an empire, are defeated and flee underground, slowly creep back, build up an empire, and travel to the past. The illithids exist because they exist, and bring about their own existence -- they have no beginning and no end, an urouboros loop that kills a lot of people along the way.
So the quest is to stop that from happening. If the PCs could stop their time travel from occuring, the loop snaps, and the illithids pop out of the timeline completely -- they will not just fail to travel, but will cease to have ever existed at all.
Like I said, epic quest and all that -- it would lead the players into the far planes to find the mother of all elder brains, the brain with the power of a god that's about to rip time a new one and shove the illithids through. (The last bit of the adventure involves a far planes "domain" that consists entirely of a continent-sized web of enormous neurons, each the size of an office building, over which the PCs travel to find the core where the time travel McGuffin is.
The campaign wasn't actually going to happen in the here-and-now, actually.. my vague plan was to pull a "greatest heroes of all time" thing where the PCs each come from a different time period, including a fighter/samurai type from "modern" D&D, a powerful wizard (or psion) from the ancient past, chock full of arcane secrets lost to modern magic; a spellslinger from the future when magic and technology have merged into a single whole (just a reflavored Warlock who uses a revolver as a focus for his blast, actually -- a warforged would be appropriate here!); a rogue/ninja type from any time period you like; a barbarian from the "stone age" who has magical assistance from a totem spirit, accessing a primitive type of druidic magic that isn't widely used anymore; and so on. Virtually any race or class is available, because even the weirdest stuff can be "from another time".
The orchestrator of all this would be a hooded figure, somewhat like Charlie (as in the "Angels"), never showing his face. Reason being, he's some kinda weird half-illithid mutant thing. Very powerful, but seriously messed up. He mostly wants revenge for what the Illithids turned him into, and also hopes that removing them from the timestream will reverse whatever events led to him being that way... but he's not strong enough alone, and gathering the heroes is going to take all his power...
In any case. This is all several years old stuff, and I never really wrote it down beyond a few feeble scratchnotes, so I probably have forgotten some of the cool stuff, but you probably get the idea. I've always liked illithids as a big epic evil, because they're just so bizarre and alien (in other words, good aberrations) and seem like more than just monsters -- they make a good evil-alien-uber-threat, to my mind.
Anyway. I hope I didn't ramble too much, or drag us too far off topic. :D
What if the mind-flayers, warped by the journey back in time via the Far Realms, wound up being the Terror that their future society fled from in the first place?
Actually, now that you mention it, I think that WAS part of my idea. If it wasn't, then it is now... ;) That's a good way to integrate the two storylines, so that the illithids bring about their own existence in a time loop, while still being twisted from normal transhumans.
I actually really like timetravel paradoxy stuff... but I prefer if the innate paradoxes are part of the POINT of the story rather than an author oversight.
The campaign wasn't actually going to happen in the here-and-now, actually.. my vague plan was to pull a "greatest heroes of all time" thing where the PCs each come from a different time period, including a fighter/samurai type from "modern" D&D, a powerful wizard (or psion) from the ancient past, chock full of arcane secrets lost to modern magic; a spellslinger from the future when magic and technology have merged into a single whole (just a reflavored Warlock who uses a revolver as a focus for his blast, actually -- a warforged would be appropriate here!); a rogue/ninja type from any time period you like; a barbarian from the "stone age" who has magical assistance from a totem spirit, accessing a primitive type of druidic magic that isn't widely used anymore; and so on. Virtually any race or class is available, because even the weirdest stuff can be "from another time".
Fighter/Samurai = Crono
Wizard = Magus
Spellsinger = Robo
Rogue/Ninja = ?
Barbarian = Ayla
Reminds me of Chrono Trigger.
Fighter/Samurai = Crono
Wizard = Magus
Spellsinger = Robo
Rogue/Ninja = ?
Barbarian = Ayla
Reminds me of Chrono Trigger.
Heh! Hey, not a bad point. It is kinda the same deal.
But I'd say Lucca is the spellslinger, since she's the one with the raygun. Robo is a warforged, but he's gotta be some kind of fighter.
Rogue/Ninja, I dunno... maybe Marle? She's big on crossbows, but nobody in that game is really very sneaky.
The Masters: The Fae may be our allies, but they are most assuredly not our role models. Word has reached us that on top of joining in their raucus celebrations, you neglected to even attempt to use the opportunity to show the deportment and dignity that is our way of life, but instead indulged in the most capricious forms of wanton hedonism imaginable!
The Paladin: I beg to differ. Before indulging, I carefully considered the possible consequences of my action. Indeed I had bethought myself of such things before joining the revel, and did nothing that would have besmirched my own Oath or the integrity of my fellows.
The Masters: Really? We have a portrait of you and some other partygoers in what can only be described as a lamentable state of undress.
The Paladin: No one was lamenting, then or now. And no one was behaving in any fashion wantonly - we had to sit quite still for some time before the artist could finish.
The Masters: Did you or did you not referee a drinking contest?
The Paladin: I did. And I can assure you, the rules were clear and carefully explained beforehand, and I did not yield in my judgements. The participants enjoyed themselves, and endured their hangovers with equanimity.
The Masters: But the Kissing Booth? Gods, the Kissing Booth?
The Paladin: I merely spelled the booth's owner for a few minutes. In exchange for which a tithe of the booth's profits were given to the local poorhouse. And there was nothing wrong with the kisses, make of that what you will.
The Masters: We are sure your motives were good, but the very premise upon which our powers rely is this - that goodness arises for divine ordinance, which is honored in us through lawful actions. If you will not do that much, what are we to make of you?
The Paladin: What I have noticed of Law and Chaos is that what most people call Chaos is in fact merely some Law too complex for them to bother with. Pleasure, Joy, Comradeship and Curiosity all have their own Law implicit in their nature, and my companions know well that I honor those laws just as sincerely as I honor the laws governing social order. All that would come of my taking no pleasure whatsoever would be that those around me would be disinclined to follow my example. Nevertheless, I am as always under your judgement.
With that, he knelt before them and activated his Protection from Evil, which in this campaign is detectable to other Paladins as a kind of glow. The DM let me do it successfully, which meant the Gods were showing their approval. :-)
Heh! Hey, not a bad point. It is kinda the same deal.
But I'd say Lucca is the spellslinger, since she's the one with the raygun. Robo is a warforged, but he's gotta be some kind of fighter.
Rogue/Ninja, I dunno... maybe Marle? She's big on crossbows, but nobody in that game is really very sneaky.
Why not make "Marle" a cleric with a Time domain that gives access to haste/slow and related effects? She'll have spells and proficiencies similar to those in the game and a similar overall party role.
On topic:
Enemy goon: "You can't expect us to make a conditional surrender under those terms."
Khasma, necromancer Cleric: "A valid point. Azaru, I think it's time for your counterpoint."
Azaru, half-orc ghul barbarian: "REND YOUR FLESH! GRAAARGH!" [Menacingly bares teeth]
Why not make "Marle" a cleric with a Time domain that gives access to haste/slow and related effects? She'll have spells and proficiencies similar to those in the game and a similar overall party role.
On topic:
Enemy goon: "You can't expect us to make a conditional surrender under those terms."
Khasma, necromancer Cleric: "A valid point. Azaru, I think it's time for your counterpoint."
Azaru, half-orc ghul barbarian: "REND YOUR FLESH! GRAAARGH!" [Menacingly bares teeth]
This is chock-full of win. Have a "Good, Bad, I'm The One With the Ghul" point.
A highspeed rooftop chase ends when she fails a balance check and fails through a straw roof and lands on a horse which bolts out of the stable. People are yelling, guards are running about, the nobles at the feast are tense, and even the other PCs think we are under attack. Everyone but me.
Me: *Sigh* Not again.
King: This happens a lot I take it.
Me: More than you can imagine.
This happened a while ago . Our Sorcerer had just died, we had a staff of Resurrection , but no one put enough ranks into use magical device. We tried anyway, with the only party member who had any ranks in the skill.
DM: okay roll.
Rogue: *Rolls a 10* Crap!
DM: *Grins* Congratulations Malak! You're a brain in a jar!
Everyone: :OMG!
I loved DMing that group.
Worlds Largest Dungeon is great, especially when you get creative. :D
Of course, the reall funny part wasn't put in that post. The thing is, I had to make a brain in the jar monstrous class, almost on the spot. I decided that a weakened mind blast would come at 2nd level, leaving him with telepathy, suggestion 1/day and flying (with clumsy manuverability).
After using his daily suggestion, Malak would be forced to fly around in circles. Not float there (clumsy manuverability, remember). Fly around in tiny litttle circles. He would do this at the start of each encounter because the various rats, darkmantles, and other creatures they found were either curious about the jar or wanted to eat the decaying matter inside.
I am cruel...and my players love me for it. :D
ShowA Palalin's superiors call him in to explain his apparently chaotic behavior. The Paladin (me) in question is somewhat whimsical, and I had been almost provoking the Masters of the Order (the DM) into such a confrontation.
The Masters: The Fae may be our allies, but they are most assuredly not our role models. Word has reached us that on top of joining in their raucus celebrations, you neglected to even attempt to use the opportunity to show the deportment and dignity that is our way of life, but instead indulged in the most capricious forms of wanton hedonism imaginable!
The Paladin: I beg to differ. Before indulging, I carefully considered the possible consequences of my action. Indeed I had bethought myself of such things before joining the revel, and did nothing that would have besmirched my own Oath or the integrity of my fellows.
The Masters: Really? We have a portrait of you and some other partygoers in what can only be described as a lamentable state of undress.
The Paladin: No one was lamenting, then or now. And no one was behaving in any fashion wantonly - we had to sit quite still for some time before the artist could finish.
The Masters: Did you or did you not referee a drinking contest?
The Paladin: I did. And I can assure you, the rules were clear and carefully explained beforehand, and I did not yield in my judgements. The participants enjoyed themselves, and endured their hangovers with equanimity.
The Masters: But the Kissing Booth? Gods, the Kissing Booth?
The Paladin: I merely spelled the booth's owner for a few minutes. In exchange for which a tithe of the booth's profits were given to the local poorhouse. And there was nothing wrong with the kisses, make of that what you will.
The Masters: We are sure your motives were good, but the very premise upon which our powers rely is this - that goodness arises for divine ordinance, which is honored in us through lawful actions. If you will not do that much, what are we to make of you?
The Paladin: What I have noticed of Law and Chaos is that what most people call Chaos is in fact merely some Law too complex for them to bother with. Pleasure, Joy, Comradeship and Curiosity all have their own Law implicit in their nature, and my companions know well that I honor those laws just as sincerely as I honor the laws governing social order. All that would come of my taking no pleasure whatsoever would be that those around me would be disinclined to follow my example. Nevertheless, I am as always under your judgement.
With that, he knelt before them and activated his Protection from Evil, which in this campaign is detectable to other Paladins as a kind of glow. The DM let me do it successfully, which meant the Gods were showing their approval. :-)
The party got an evil looking neclace from a lich, and there was one PC who was convinced that if he put it on he'd get immortality or something. While the other characters where fighting he tried to put it on.
DM: Roll a will save.
PC: (rolls high)
DM: Your hands won't let you put it on, it's too evil.
PC: aww...
(next round)
DM: What do you do?
PC: I try to put on the neclace!
DM: Will save.
PC: (rolls high)
DM: You just can't get yourself to put it on.
PC: ARGH! But I'll become immortal!
Everyone else:
(next round, the same thing happens. But the round after that...)
PC: I'm going to try again! YES! I ROLLED LOW! WHAT HAPPENS?
(pause)
DM: You die.
Everyone else including me:
The scenario: We've managed to capture the bbeg's familiar, an imp, and we're trying to interrogate it and the learn the bbeg's plans. When all else fails, we come up with the following:
Kraig (barbarian): Hey, Ezra (wizard), you keep catnip, right? [Our wizard has a cat familiar.]
Ezra: Yeah.
Kraig. Give me a bag of it.
Kraig goes on to grab hold of the imp, shove him in the bag of catnip, tie it up, and throw it to the cat. I just get this hilarious image a huge brute grabbing hold of the imp so tightly his eyes bug out, and then getting squashed into the bag. When he escapes from the sack, he flies off screaming with the cat right behind him. I laugh at the thought. By the way, it did work.
Anyway, I've fallen in love with the new cantrip, 'stick'. So, the first time I used it, I cast 'stick' on a stuffy paladin's torch while he was asleep, and attached it to his forehead. Then I used 'ghost sound' to shout,
"Torch-icorn!" and wake him up.
When he realised what was going on, he starts storming around, asking me,
"Who is responsible for this outrage? You?"
"Me?" I say, in a scratchy old man voice, "How dare you! In the pursuit of the Highest Art, I have no such time for such frivolities. It was him." I then kicked the gnome bard, also in our party. While they were arguing, I 'stuck' a head of lettuce to the paladin's back
So one of the first battles the group has is with a bunch of wolves attacking the caravan we're traveling with. Some wolves are going after the oxen, and we're trying to drive the wolves off and keep the oxen alive. Jet gets bitten by one of the wolves for some fairly nasty damage, and in discussing the damage, Jet's player asks, "So can we say he bit me on the butt?"
That of course gets a laugh. I then ask him, "So you're the coppertone dwarf?"
The game stopped for a bit.
Garrith 'Spitfire' Urdlen - CE gnomish cleric of The Glutton. Also a cannibal.
Cedric Valen - CN human bard. Usually plays a lute, but can also summon a concert piano with Summon Instrument.
Aemoth - CE half-elven rogue. Extremely paranoid.
We were hired to investigate the source of The Burning Plague (a disease that was transmitted by small white fibers. The fibers burst in flames when alcohol was poured on them, also burning the victim). The only clue was that a mine nearby had something to do with the plague and that there were now some kobolds living in the mine. We entered the mine and found a kitchen.
Show
GM : You notice there is a large pot that the kobolds have been cooking in. There is stew, but it looks a little suspicious.
GM : Bits of fur and fuz float around in there, and rat meat floats to the top.
Cedric : "Lovely...."
Aemoth : "Kobolds sure aren't good chefs..."
GM : Everyone roll a foritude check to avoid being nauseated by the sight/smell.
Garrith: 11+9
Cedric : 8+1......
Aemoth : 20+3....
GM : Cedric puts a hand to his mouth, looking ill.
Aemoth : "Whimp." Aemoth says at the sight of Cedric.
Garrith : "You can't stand some rat stew?"
Garrith : "That might be quite good if it was made with better receipe."
GM : The stew looks really suspicious.
Garrith (ooc) : What do you mean with suspicious?
Cedric : Cedric moves farther away from the pot
GM : It looks effing disgusting.
GM : An eyeball floats to the top. It has oil, slime, and fuzz on it.
Garrith : "Kobolds manage to ruin something as simple as rat stew." Garrith says dissappointedly.
Aemoth : Aemoth starts checking the table for anything thats worth something.
Garrith (ooc) : There are spoons around, right?
GM : Yea.
Cedric (ooc) : Garrith eats the stew...
Garrith : Garrith takes a spoon from the table.
GM : The spoons are only worth 1 cp, though.
Aemoth : "You're...not going to eat it, are you?"
Garrith : "Are you feeling better yet, Cedric? Maybe some stew would help?" Garrith asks and picks an eye ball from the stew with the spoon and shows it to Cedric.
GM : Wow.
Garrith : "Mmmmm stew..."
Cedric : "I prefer my stew with less eyeball"
Garrith : Garrith shrugs his shoulders and eats the eye.
Garrith (ooc) : Fortitude save?
GM : Yes.
Cedric (ooc) : What, is this FearFactor?
Garrith : 12+9
GM : Okay, you don't throw up and are not nausteated.
GM : You do, however, notice something on you spoon.
GM : Garrith looks down at his spoon to find a fiber.
Aemoth (ooc) : NEVER EAT THE MYSTERY STEW!
Cedric (ooc) : MYSTERY MEAT!!
Garrith : "Seems that our kobold friends are using the fibers as spice."
Garrith : "Some ale, please."
Cedric : Cedric pours some alcohol into the pint. He then hands it to Garrith. After that he checks how much there is left.
Garrith : Garrith drinks from the pint.
GM : There is a little more than half a barrel left.
Garrith: "Anyway, that stew needs salt."
GM : Bits of fur and fuz float around in there, and rat meat floats to the top.
Cedric : "Lovely...."
Aemoth : "Kobolds sure aren't good chefs..."
GM : Everyone roll a foritude check to avoid being nauseated by the sight/smell.
Garrith: 11+9
Cedric : 8+1......
Aemoth : 20+3....
GM : Cedric puts a hand to his mouth, looking ill.
Aemoth : "Whimp." Aemoth says at the sight of Cedric.
Garrith : "You can't stand some rat stew?"
Garrith : "That might be quite good if it was made with better receipe."
GM : The stew looks really suspicious.
Garrith (ooc) : What do you mean with suspicious?
Cedric : Cedric moves farther away from the pot
GM : It looks effing disgusting.
GM : An eyeball floats to the top. It has oil, slime, and fuzz on it.
Garrith : "Kobolds manage to ruin something as simple as rat stew." Garrith says dissappointedly.
Aemoth : Aemoth starts checking the table for anything thats worth something.
Garrith (ooc) : There are spoons around, right?
GM : Yea.
Cedric (ooc) : Garrith eats the stew...
Garrith : Garrith takes a spoon from the table.
GM : The spoons are only worth 1 cp, though.
Aemoth : "You're...not going to eat it, are you?"
Garrith : "Are you feeling better yet, Cedric? Maybe some stew would help?" Garrith asks and picks an eye ball from the stew with the spoon and shows it to Cedric.
GM : Wow.
Garrith : "Mmmmm stew..."
Cedric : "I prefer my stew with less eyeball"
Garrith : Garrith shrugs his shoulders and eats the eye.
Garrith (ooc) : Fortitude save?
GM : Yes.
Cedric (ooc) : What, is this FearFactor?
Garrith : 12+9
GM : Okay, you don't throw up and are not nausteated.
GM : You do, however, notice something on you spoon.
GM : Garrith looks down at his spoon to find a fiber.
Aemoth (ooc) : NEVER EAT THE MYSTERY STEW!
Cedric (ooc) : MYSTERY MEAT!!
Garrith : "Seems that our kobold friends are using the fibers as spice."
Garrith : "Some ale, please."
Cedric : Cedric pours some alcohol into the pint. He then hands it to Garrith. After that he checks how much there is left.
Garrith : Garrith drinks from the pint.
GM : There is a little more than half a barrel left.
Garrith: "Anyway, that stew needs salt."
Sample Spell List for the Archivist:
0: All. Duh.
1st: Inflict Light Wounds, Magic Weapon, Protection from X, Shield of Faith, Produce Flame, Divine Favor, Any other 1st level spell.
2nd: Healing Sting, Splinterbolt, Wracking Touch, Inflict Moderate Wounds, Touch of Madness, Rebuke, Black Karma Curse, Any 2nd level spell.
3rd: Clutch of Orcus (Maybe), Darkfire, Inflict Serious Wounds, Bestow F***ing Curse!!!, Poison (WTF were they thinking making this a 3rd level Druid spell? WTF were they thinking making the Druid in the first place?), Infestation of Maggots, Touch of Idiocy, Rage, etc.
4th: Divine Power, Inflict Critical Wounds, Flame Strike (For fun), Rusting Grasp, Chaos Hammer, Unholy Blight, Holy Smite, Order's Wrath, Haste, Haste, Haste, Mother F***ing Haste, Minor Creation (Shenanigans), Dominate Person (who made this a 4th level spell?!), Modify Memory, Dimension Door, Meteroric Strike, etc.
Gave me a good chuckle writing that.
Poison (WTF were they thinking making this a 3rd level Druid spell? WTF were they thinking making the Druid in the first place?)
I'm guessing they were thinking "Druids should have this before Clerics" and lowered it a level for that reason... which still makes it one of the nastiest single-target spells at that level. It's the druid version of Fireball.
Haste, Haste, Haste, Mother F***ing Haste
HA! Too right.
Dominate Person (who made this a 4th level spell?!)
Ah, an archivist can't take Dominate Person as a 4th *OR* a 5th level spell. "The archivist can learn and thus prepare nonclerical divine spells ..." Dominate is Bard/Sor/Wiz, which doesn't add up to Divine in any way.
That said, Bards *do* screw up the spell progression by having some spells at a lower spell level, despite that they get (for example) Dominate at the same character level (10th) as the Sorc, and one level later than the Wizard.
Ah, an archivist can't take Dominate Person as a 4th *OR* a 5th level spell. "The archivist can learn and thus prepare nonclerical divine spells ..." Dominate is Bard/Sor/Wiz, which doesn't add up to Divine in any way.
That said, Bards *do* screw up the spell progression by having some spells at a lower spell level, despite that they get (for example) Dominate at the same character level (10th) as the Sorc, and one level later than the Wizard.
I guess you really don't know how the Archivist really works. He can copy down any Divine spell and prepare it. This includes variant class features that can turn a Bard into a divine caster and class features that add spells to divine casters list and Domain spells and a few other methods. The effect of using all of this cheese means Archivist can get almost any arcane spell and add it to his list which in turn means that the Archivist gets every spell at the lowest level possible. The only person who can get them sooner in levels is the Artificer who has to put them on scrolls in the first place. And people wonder why they are part of the Big 5.
Hobo- Halfling Favored Soul of Desna, played be me. He's a moron.
Gio Gio- Human Fighter with a whip (Booke)
Rosabella- Human Warlock with "lasers py00 py00" (Damien). We call this character "Ro."
Morgren- CE Dwarf Fighter (Erik). He convinced my character that he did not commit a murder that my character personally witnessed. We call him "Mo."
Angelo- Eladrin (Pat). Caught fire twice during his first encounter.
SOme backstory: We're in the Pathfinder adventure path "Rise of the Rune Lords," and we've found the second floor washroom. Hobo being Hobo, he decides to use the facilities.
Everyone: Don't **** in the tub!
Pat: Yeah, last time that happened, you summoned a demon!
Damien: He was your son!
Me: No, he would have been my son if I shot a load into the portal. Okay, Hobo climbs up the tub and pees into it.
DM: Make a Balance check. You're three feet tall.
Me: (rolls abysmally) Oh, ####.
DM: You fall into the tub.
Hobo: *whizzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*
Booke: Is a diseased rat gonna bite him the crotch?
DM: No, that was just the one on the first floor. [The one that Booke's character already used.]
Hobo: I get out of the tub.
DM: Balance check. It's slippery because of all your urine.
Me: (rolls not so well) Damn it.
DM: It's a DC 20 Balance check.
Me: (rolls four times before finally standing up) Okay, now to get out-
DM: Climb check.
Me: .....I'm not liking this Climb check.
DM: It's only a DC 12 check!
Me: .....I'm not liking this Climb check even more. (rolls) .....Three?
DM: You fall back into the tub! (By now, everybody's laughing)
Gio Gio: That's it! Hobo, I'm coming in there! (kicks door down, enters washroom)
DM: Reflex save, Booke!
Booke: For a rat?
DM: Nope. (Booke makes his save) Okay, you manage to jump back just before the floor gives under your combined weight. Hobo, the bathtub you're in crashes through the floor into the first floor washroom. You take... four points Falling damage, make a Fort save.
Me: But... urine's sterile?
DM: It's not just urine.
Me: Hey, I never said Hobo (voluntarily) crapped his pants... 19.
DM: Just barely avoided contracting Filth Fever.
Angelo: (enters 2F washroom, looks down) Hobo, get out of that tub!
Hobo: I can't! T_T
Angelo: And pull your pants up!
Hobo: *fwip* Okay!
(after getting rescued)
Gio Gio: Man, Hobo, you smell like ****! What were you doing in that tub!?
Hobo: (thinks) Challenge *******. You heard me right, Challenge *******. How does it work? If I can **** six feet into the air straight up and not get wet, I get to have sex with Desna.
Angelo: You're covered in urine.
Ro: Well, you obviously didn't succeed.
Hobo: (to Angelo) Clearly. (to Ro) Clearly.
I guess you really don't know how the Archivist really works. He can copy down any Divine spell and prepare it. This includes variant class features that can turn a Bard into a divine caster and class features that add spells to divine casters list and Domain spells and a few other methods. The effect of using all of this cheese means Archivist can get almost any arcane spell and add it to his list which in turn means that the Archivist gets every spell at the lowest level possible. The only person who can get them sooner in levels is the Artificer who has to put them on scrolls in the first place. And people wonder why they are part of the Big 5.
Right, because combining splatbooks NEVER causes problems.
Right, because combining splatbooks NEVER causes problems.
For the same reasons that Core is Balanced...
The party had just finished off a squad of soldiers. They had succeeded in capturing a Captain and a Private, tied them to chairs, and began interogating them (the cleric and sorcerer had used up all their spells, so they had to question them the old fashioned way). The cleric questioned them for about 10 minutes, and then walked over to the rest of the party who were searching corpses. Here is what happened (somewhat paraphrased)
Cleric: "Well they're not talking, though I think I might be able to get something out of the recruit. He keeps acting like he will say something, but then shuts up when the captain shoots him a glare."
Fighter: "So what do we do?"
Cleric: "We need to seperate them so I can talk to the recruit alone without the captain."
Sorcerer: "Alright, we'll keep an eye on the captain."
Rogue: "Whoa, hang on a second, time out; we need to find out where (name of villian that I don't remember) is now. We can't wait for you to chit-chat with that guy over tea and crumpets for an hour or so. We need the info now."
Cleric: And how do you suggest we get the information? And before you suggest it, no we are not torturing them."
Rogue: "No, no; I'm not going to torture them. Just give me 5 minutes and I'll get the info."
Cleric: "Very well, but you question them in our presence so I can make sure you don't torture them."
The Rogue walks over to the two soldiers, and stands next to the captain. He begins talking to the recruit.
Rogue: "Hey you, yeah you. Listen to me for a second."
Captain: "Don't answer any of his questions."
Rogue: "Pipe down, I'm not asking any questions. Now then, you, are you watching me? I want to show you something. Watch carefully. Are you sure you're watching? Now watch carefully."
The Rogue then pulls out his dagger and stabs the Captain in the throat.
Recruit: "OH GODS! OH GODS!"
Rest of Party: :OMG!
Captain: OW! You stabbed me you son of a
.Rogue OOC: "Wait, what? He's still alive?"
DM OOC: "Well you rolled minimum damage and he made his fortitude save, so yeah."
Rogue OOC: "Crap"
Captain: "What is wrong with you people? Is this how your kingdom treats its prisoners of war? This is completly against the War Accords and every treaty our kingdoms have signed!"
The Rogue proceeds to stab the Captain again.
Captain: "Argh! Oh gods that hurt. My stomach... oh gods... YOU PEOPLE ARE SICK!"
The rogue stabs him... again.
Captain: "AH! STOP STABBING ME!"
Rogue: "For the love of the gods!"
The rogue kicks the Captains' chair over in anger and stabs him again
Captain: "Oh my spleen. Oh gods, I can feel it shriveling up. Oh it hurts, it hurts."
Rogue: "Alright that's it!"
Rogue storms over to the speechless party and rips the fighters greataxe out of his hands. He goes back over to the Captain, lines up the blow, and plunges the axe into the Captain. The captain doesn't move.
Rogue: "Finally! Well..."
Captain: "Um... I'm still alive... I think you severed my spinal cord... I can't move anything below my neck... it hurts..."
Rogue: "Wha? I... ARGH!!!"
Rogue grabs the axe and begins hitting the captain, over and over, until there is nothing but a bloody pulp.
Recruit:
Rest of Party:
Rogue: "Huff, Puff... Anyway... Huff... Tell us where your leader is or else you'll end up like him."
Needless to say, they got the info. After a couple of more really bad rolls, the DM looked at the dice and realized he had mixed his trick dice with the regulars. But it was still pretty funny.
Cuddles- LG Sanctified Barbed Devil... complete idiot pyro, who always seems to save the world.
Kano- N Elf fighter. Mute, deals insane amounts of damage
Glinfaëwyn- CN Elf Rogue/homebrew rogue-caster PRC. Alcoholic kelpto-stabbomaniac and the party's de-facto leader.
Rumex- CG Pevishan Sorcerer. Bound to the forces of chaos, he is always falling in and out of dimensional portals (due to the fact that his player is often out of town)
Damien- N Shadow-infused Cat Ex-Wizard. Rumex's familiar, Damien used to be the party wizard until he became stuck as a cat. Now, due to having too low an INT to cast spells, he is reduced to making snarky comments from the sidelines.
Cuddles and Kano have fallen off a cliff into the ocean, and are now trying to climb back up. Meanwhile, Glin is attacked by a bow-wielding assassin.
Glin- I cast Obscuring Mist and start sniping.
Assassin- *spends several rounds hitting a whole lot of nothing, then decides to run, shouting behind him* I'll kill you while you sleep, elf wench!
Glin- I'm an elf, I don't sleep!
Assassin- Then I'll kill you while you eat!
Glin- I'm on a diet!
Assassin- THEN I'LL KILL YOU WHILE YOU'RE DRUNK!:headexplo
Cuddles-OOC He's got ya there.
They're delving into the tunnels under an island, when they find something unusual...
DM (Me)- You see a giant lump of crystal, which seems to have something trapped within it. You distinguish the shape of a young man, covered in golden sigils, with wings and a black cat.
Kano-OOC Hey, it's Rumex! He's back!
DM- He seems to be in a state of semi-undress.
Cuddles-OOCDo I want to know?
DM- Cuddles, make a craft (cook) check. *Rolls a 19* The crystal seems to be some kind of rock candy.
Kano & Cuddles-OOC I REALLY don't want to know!
Glin- I do!
After rescuing them from their prison, Glin bought some blackmail photos from Damien (the cat). Rumex refuses to speak of it.
Damien- I can't believe you hired a TROGLODYTE to be your guide! They're evil! He'll probably kill us all!
*Rumex stuffs Damien into his backpack, where he starts swearing in Draconic*
Troglodyte Guide- Why is your bag swearing??
Rumex- It's a Lesser Bag of Profanity.
Trog-
Rumex- The Greater version is telepathic, and insults your mother.
Fighting a roper.
DM-The tentacle monster reaches out-
Glin-OOC Please don't call it a tentacle monster.
Cuddles-OOC Yeah, we know it's a roper.
DM But your characters don't. Anyway, why shouldn't I call it a-
Glin-OOC HENTAI!
DM- Oh...
Rumex- Enough of this! *Pulls out Rod of Wonder & points it at the roper*
DM*rolls* you shrink to six inches tall
Rumex- Well *@&$!
Rumex coudn't keep up with the others by flying or walking, so they rigged up a saddle on Damien's back.
Rumex-Hi-ho Quicksilver, AWAY!
Damien- Bite me.
After being told by their Troglodyte guide that there is only one safe route through the garden of mysterious fungi.
Glin- I use that Scroll of Speak With Plants I've been hanging on to since third level. *Rolls UMD, succeeds*
Rumex-I can't believe we found a use for that.
DM- Ok, most of the plants are singing "Grow-grow-grow-grow"... all except for the yellow ones.
Yellow Mold- FLESH! FLESH FLESH FLESHY-FLEEEEEEESH!
Glin- Guys? I think we want to avoid the yellow ones...
After entering an underground city of friendly mongrelfolk.
DM A small child grabs mini-Rumex and starts squeezing him.
Child- Dolly dolly! Pretty dolly!
Cuddles-OOC Hey, wait a sec- I've got Remove Curse... think that'd cure Rumex?
Rumex- Help... need oxygen....
*Cuddles casts his spell*
Child Dolly dolly... *Rumex grows back to his full 6'7"
Wow, big dolly!Shopping in the mongrelfolk city (bear in mind that Damien, back when he was a Wizard, used to summon a monstrous centipede called "Mr. Biggles".
MF Shopkeeper- We also have giant insect livestock to sell!
Damien-(Back in Rumex's backpack) OMG! Buy a giant centipede, Rumex!
Rumex- *sigh* How much for a giant centipede?
Shopkeeper- The eating kind or the riding kind?
Damien-
:OMG! Waah!Trog- Why is your backpack crying?
Rumex- It's a Bag of Weeping.
Trog- I thought it was a Lesser Bag of Profanity.
Rumex-... It's dual purpose.
It's getting late- I'll post more soon.
Well, we were talking about our new city. We were able to recruit a bunch of necromancers, so we figured that we would have our city mostly be undead. The undead would be able to do the work for cheap, and we wouldn't have to feed them, or let them sleep, or anything.
So we decided to discuss supplies we'd need for this. We went through an incredibly long list, and discovered we were able to craft most of this. Me, being a psionic warrior, am not able to craft much of anything though.
The necromancer spoke up and said "I just realized, we're going to need a lot of dead bodies for this."
Without missing a beat I said "Ah, finally we get to something I am able to craft!"
They came to my cage, opened it up, and let me out. I hobble out, meek and pathetic, and look up at them with grateful eyes, and say,
"Sorry, could you crouch or kneel? You have an unpleasant amount of nose hair."
I guess you really don't know how the Archivist really works. He can copy down any Divine spell and prepare it. This includes variant class features that can turn a Bard into a divine caster and class features that add spells to divine casters list and Domain spells and a few other methods.
Blech. What ridiculous cheese. Any player who tried that in my game would... well, he'd be told "no".
I would say I know exactly how the Archivist works -- and that ain't it.
I wouldn't even let an Archivist learn Domain spells unless they were on some other (legitimate!) divine caster's list -- much less fiddle around with alternative class structures.
So, no, if you're ever playing at my house and I somehow go insane and let you play an Archivist -- You won't be prepping Dominate or even Disintegrate. You can have Wall of Fire, but it'll be a 5th level spell, just like for Druids.
So, no, if you're ever playing at my house and I somehow go insane and let you play an Archivist -- You won't be prepping Dominate or even Disintegrate. You can have Wall of Fire, but it'll be a 5th level spell, just like for Druids.
Don't worry I don't plan on ever playing with you. I do agree with some of you statements though. Your approach is a little bit much. Simply telling a player that you aren't allowing something do to power issues would be enough. Even a Archivist can be played at a level were it won't break the game but with out a DM looking the class over every now and then it will destroy things.
As I have told people before::
When on the boards it is best to discuss RAW (Rules as Written) instead of RAI (Rules as Intended).
Wizard- Look out! Clubs! Clubs! Clubs with goons!
PCs are trying to locate someone who has disappeared with information in a city. They know where he lives and aren't sure whether he is just hiding in his house, but they don't want to scare him into running. So they stake out his house for a few days in shifts. After several days of rotating stake outs, the party starts to get impatient. The rogue starts chatting up the neighbors for information during her shift. The cleric, during his shift, gets right up close to the house and casts detect evil and determines there is an evil aura inside the building. The wizard, during his shift, is a little more creative. He casts invisibility on himself, walks up to the front door, and knocks (arcane ding-dong-ditch). No answer. The next day, the party meets over breakfast to discuss what they have learned.
Rogue: The neighbors haven't seen him in weeks. I think the house is empty.
Cleric: No. There is something inside: something evil.
Wizard: But it won't answer the door.
As I have told people before::
When on the boards it is best to discuss RAW (Rules as Written) instead of RAI (Rules as Intended).
In general, yes. When RAW goes way off the rails (as in this case), though, it's important to rein things back in with a little RAI. As I hope I don't have to remind people, RAW doesn't say being Dead has any particular effect, including stopping you from taking actions or healing naturally.
I wouldn't allow an Archivist to take domain spells for purely personal reasons -- I don't like anyone else getting to use domain spells that are supposed to represent having the favor of a particular deific being.
Oh, saint's and proxies.
Those of you who may remember me may celebrate, the others, be a dear and as you stay confused get yourself and everyone else some vanilla and chocolate ice cream.
After reading and catching up on this thread, I do hereby out of spirit of the new year, and my aching ribs, do say this.
All whom have contributed to this thread since my absence are hereby...
ROGUE-MAGE APPROVED!
Now go out and have more fun and bring forth more great moments in gaming please!
Go get a cold compress for those ribs... frozen peas work wonders.
Cast -
DM - Rod
Human Noble - Tony - Captin kwark (not 100% sure how he spells it but think Kirk :P)
Human Pilot - Ryan
Scout - Ammie
Red Shirt Soldier - Alex (he just about died twice on the second session,only lived i think because it was a flashback,walked into a pink room and tried to remove a ancient driods arm with a vibroblade ...)
Wookie chief engineer - Me (I happen to love the ship,named Robitusin, nicknamed Turtle)
A slight backstory - We have a heavily modded Ghtroc 720 Freighter with improved engines and such,basicly been modded to fly like a fighter and flys faster then most due to a military engine they gave us by mistake :D,the planet we are currently on is Tatooine in Mos Eisley docking bay,after having spent 2 months retrofitting the ship.
So,we were given a mission by a very important looking corperate person,back suit and all, to recover some goods that they lost,so Tony agrees and the price set of 9000 credits,the pickup location is an hour flight from the spaceport and we deside to take the ship.So Ryan gets the bright idea for a takeoff,he slowly powers up the engines for a second then jams it to full power,thus overloading the power relays not designed to handle engines 2x bigger then what was in there before (rolled a one). The DM discribes it much like this ....
You hear the engines power up the ship starts shaking you hear a loud ban and everything shuts off, a pause for a second, the wookie looks dumfallen and quiet faint ... (not exact but close)
Ammie - I think you should sleep outside tonight ...
Alex - with a gun.
So,because the ship needs 2 days worth of repairs we deside to take a skiff,everyone agrees ryan shouldnt pilot it :P
A little bit later we arrive outside a cave,5 swoop bikes are parked outside,we also notice a large furry rock and deside to hide the swoop bikes behind it,ryan gets the bright idea to try to climb it ... again rolls a one,it goes something like this ...
Ryan - Im going to try to climb this rock, (rolls 1)
DM - Ok,whats you reflex defence?
Ryan - 17 ...
DM - Ok,you try to climb the rock,slip and fall,the rock gets up and starts walking away,and steps on your foot,take 4 damage.
Also because of that we had some tuskan raiders ****** off at us and started shooting because i think we scared off their bantha ... after that we entered the cave and this last part happened,
There was a large open space ahead of us,i heard something that sounded like a cat purring,so i whispered to tony,i think theres a cat ahead of us,and sure enough we saw something move in the shadows of the light,ammie tossed her light up ahead of us and alex tossed a glow stick,ryan went up ahead to investigate while we all hung back,and alex was behind us all takin up the rear,so when the encounter started,the cat (i cant remember the name of them but they are the ones in episode 2 i beleive when obiwan ani and padme were changed to 3 polls,was right behind ryan,and another one behind alex,everyone but ryan saw the one behind him and ryan saw the one behind alex,so the first thing i said was,I told you it was a cat! but all in all with some good rolling me and tony shot out 2 of the legs on ryans cat alex missed his then horribly owned it with a crit on the second shot killing it instantly for almost max damage,and ammie shot at ryans ... rolling a one,ryan just put his head into his palm as the dm told her to roll damage,rolling a 5 with a shot to the back of ryans leg :P,
well thats the funny points of our last session on sunday,nothing compaired to the rogue-mage though ... need more storys from him i say!
"I think I'll time-hop the barmaid's clothes..."
Party Apostle of Peace: Can we talk this over peacefully?
Party Evoker (who is fed up with the Vow of Peace): Peacefully? Sure, how many peices do you want? Because I can do limb-from-limb all the way to fine f***ing powder... NO, WE CAN'T SETTLE THIS PEACEFULLY! (Insert first sign of battle here.)
The player with the Apostle finally decided to retire that damn character today! He said it was a fruitless struggle to try and change the entire party by forcing it down thier throats... I wonder why?:P
Rogue: The neighbors haven't seen him in weeks. I think the house is empty.
Cleric: No. There is something inside: something evil.
Wizard: But it won't answer the door.
I like!!! :D
The rogue frowned.
"That leaves a bad taste in my mouth."
Then, he spat on the fallen PC's head.
"Ah, there we are," he grinned. "It's gone now."
The morbid humor left us chuckling in-between the expected shivers.
At the beggining of a campaign, the DM tells us that he needs a complete and exhaustive of everything our characters have. At the end of the campaign, one girl looks at her sheet and says "I've just realised, I don't have any cloths on!"
Spartan style fighter: Let's go into phalus formation.
DM: Don't you mean phallanx formation.
Spartan: Oh.
I was playing in a Dragonlance campaign as a kender.
I found a lot of things that didn't belong to me in my pockets often.
I escaped whenever the other PCs tied me up in a room they knew was trapped in some way.
I volunteered to go talk to the white dragon.
The conversation went something like this:
Dragon: "Who dares enter my domain."
Me: "Me."
D: You? All alone? Do you have a death wish?
M: No, not really, although I did come close to dying once, but I have never really wanted to, you see, there are just too many things I would like to do first. Like talk to..."
DM: What's your AC?
(After a quick reply of 30) DM: The dragon tries to eat you, but you slip through a gap in its teeth.
Me: No ones ever tried to eat me before. I wonder what that's like being eaten...
A little while later...
DM: Why can't you stand still and get eaten!!!
Me: and then uncle Trapspringer told me, he said, 'Lad, never forget who you are and who your mother is, because she will..."
DM rolls another d20, stares at the result, then interruppts my story.
Dm: The dragon with a roar of anguish, still flying above you, divebombs you.
Amazingly, I survive. The dragon doesn't. I head back to where the party was in camp, joyous about how I was probably dead by now and making plans to scale the mountain and kill him, when I trod dejectedly in.
Party: "What happened?!?!?"
Me: 'I don't think he liked me, so he flew up and tried to eat me, but couldn't, so he dived into the mountain to crush me, but the mountain crushed him instead. I don't think he wanted to be my friend."
Party: :OMG!
This one has a bit of a story to it, so bear with me.
I was playing in a Dragonlance campaign as a kender.
I found a lot of things that didn't belong to me in my pockets often.
I escaped whenever the other PCs tied me up in a room they knew was trapped in some way.
I volunteered to go talk to the white dragon.
The conversation went something like this:
Dragon: "Who dares enter my domain."
Me: "Me."
D: You? All alone? Do you have a death wish?
M: No, not really, although I did come close to dying once, but I have never really wanted to, you see, there are just too many things I would like to do first. Like talk to..."
DM: What's your AC?
(After a quick reply of 30) DM: The dragon tries to eat you, but you slip through a gap in its teeth.
Me: No ones ever tried to eat me before. I wonder what that's like being eaten...
A little while later...
DM: Why can't you stand still and get eaten!!!
Me: and then uncle Trapspringer told me, he said, 'Lad, never forget who you are and who your mother is, because she will..."
DM rolls another d20, stares at the result, then interruppts my story.
Dm: The dragon with a roar of anguish, still flying above you, divebombs you.
Amazingly, I survive. The dragon doesn't. I head back to where the party was in camp, joyous about how I was probably dead by now and making plans to scale the mountain and kill him, when I trod dejectedly in.
Party: "What happened?!?!?"
Me: 'I don't think he liked me, so he flew up and tried to eat me, but couldn't, so he dived into the mountain to crush me, but the mountain crushed him instead. I don't think he wanted to be my friend."
Party: :OMG!
For once a use for a Kender that didn't involve tying a rope around it. Honestly though I don't really mind Kenders as much as some people. The one time I had to deal with one the party ended up making money the one time we had to pay for a teleport. As soon as the Kender got the command he Looted the money back from the Wizard plus about 100 gp extra shortly before the Wizard teleported us away. Now that I think about it, I kind of miss having one around.
DM: Roll for initiative!
Sorcerer: Huh? We're in the middle of a crowded street! What would... Oh man. *Rolls*. Twenty! Ha!
Paladin: *Rolls* Uhh... Eight?
DM: Okay, Sorcerer, you get to act in the surprise round. You see a small man in a black suit, wearing a black bowler hat and carrying a briefcase hurrying towards you.
Sorcerer: I run as far away from that guy as I can.
DM: Okay. Paladin, the small man walks up to you with a big smile on his face and asks if he can have a moment of your time. Make a will save.
Paladin: Huh?...*rolls* I rolled a one.
DM: You feel that talking to this man wouldn't do any harm.
Paladin: Umm... Okay?
DM: The man opens his briefcase and starts explaining how many adventurers die every year as the result of fire, sharp object, and monstrous digestion-related accidents. Make another will save.
Paladin: Uh oh... *rolls* One again! crap!
DM: Everything the man says makes a lot of sense. You take 2 points of temporary intelligence damage.
Sorcerer: Is it my turn? I keep running!
Paladin: Uhh... detect evil?
DM: You detect a strong capitalism aura coming off this guy. He's still smiling at you, and shows you some papers explaining how he can solve all your financial injury-related problems, for just a little money and your signature on a few things. Make another will save.
Paladin: *Rolls* One! Dammit, I have divine grace, why do I have to put up with this ****?!
DM: You feel a strong urge to buy a full policy. Take two more points of INT damage, and make another will save.
Paladin: Please, be a two... *rolls* ONE!
DM: You lose 4,000 GP.
Paladin: ****ing insurance salesmen...
Sorcerer: I'm still running!
For once a use for a Kender that didn't involve tying a rope around it. Honestly though I don't really mind Kenders as much as some people. The one time I had to deal with one the party ended up making money the one time we had to pay for a teleport. As soon as the Kender got the command he Looted the money back from the Wizard plus about 100 gp extra shortly before the Wizard teleported us away. Now that I think about it, I kind of miss having one around.
One of the things that makes Kender annoying is that most people give them rampant pathological kleptomania rather than "Huh, that might be useful and they're not using it." IMO, it should be a cultural lack of understanding "personal property" rather than pocketing every last thing you come across.
Azuelle - Jeremy In Port Huron Michigan
this part of the reply is something on my mind and i have no idea how to use the gleemax the way it's suppost to be used so here is my cut and paste!!!
Hello my name is jeremy - Azuelle and i got into hack master and d&d one year ago, this is what i aquired this year! 16 core books 2 dummies books and 400 minitures, 6 out of 16 game mastery map sets and about 14 tile sets for me and my kids to have 2 of each of them, tons of game mastery cards decks (I hate the mundane cards) but love making my own rules for each item) NOW why should I move on with 4.0 if it isn't a better quality game we have a 3.5 rules compendium we told people to get the 3 rule books (for a dm) WE ARE THERE FOR EACH OTHER now i saw one book monsters and worlds and i like the beholder on the front but the book is not the beutifal attractive hard cover. what i want wizards to know is that these books in the 3.5 sold themselves compared to ad&d when i first saw them i was on a heavy drug for a time and when i found 3.5 i took every penny and got D&D stuff and my wife came back. but during the drug times the beauty of those
book manifested i expect every kid that sees them covets to buy into the life of a gamer and i'm not sure wizards are doing the right thing by again discontinuing another edition and screwing me and my family! if you think 4.0 will be as enthralling as 3.5 suprise me.
And second, whining about 4th edition should go on the 4th edition boards next to all the other whining, not in the thread about funny things from your game.
My roommate was sitting over on the stairs, rubbing the carpet absent-mindedly.
Me: Are you fondling the stairs?
Roommate: I really need a girlfriend.
The party had gone through some adventures including Paladin in Hell and as a result we had some miscelaneous items. The Bard tended to pick up the Planer Travel items which included a Cubic Gate.
Anyways through happenstance we sold the Boat to Lucifer and he used it to take over the whole plane. Anyways after a few incidents my Bard found his way in front of Lucifier again in his home domain and we were talking.
Lucifer "You know you could have asked for much more for that boat from me"
Me "I know but I don't like overcharging" Shrug
Lucifer "I have watched you a bit since then you know you really don't think much about what is going to happen next and don't seems to do things the right way"
Me "I can say the same thing about you Lucifer, Goodbye" Activate Cubic Gate and leave.
Lucifer ........ Slowly gets steamed.
A couple weeks later we are being chased by a bunch of Epic Assassins that Lucifer hired to kill me and anyone associated with me.
Lucifer "I have watched you a bit since then you know you really don't think much about what is going to happen next and don't seems to do things the right way"
Me "I can say the same thing about you Lucifer, Goodbye" Activate Cubic Gate and leave.
Nice.
Players:
Morgan - DM
Myself - Presea, the Female human Fighter 10 with a large greataxe. Pain ensues.
Sean - Thracian, the Gnome male Rogue 3/Sorcerer 6/Arcane Trickster 1 specialising in illusions. Also the party's biggest IC idiot.
Doug - Gwydion, the male Elf Sorcerer 4/Cleric 4/Mystic Theurge 2 (I think) with a viper familiar.
Alex - 'The Druid' (only name she gave us). Female Elf Druid 10 with a Dire Weasel.
Andrew - Valeanthe, the female Elf Swashbuckler 6/Dervish 4 wielding a Thinblade and Scimitar.
First, the OOC funnies:
Me: What is it that you're actually armed with? Apart from spangly illusions?
Sean: Oh, I've got a +1 Giant Bane Rapier.
Morgan: Huh? You've got a +1 Giant Baby Maker??
Everyone else:
-----
Morgan: (to Alex) Well, a Dire Ape has a 10ft reach...
Doug: (Mishearing)
A DALEK has a 10ft reach?!?!Everyone else:
-----
Morgan: (to Sean) Are you going to try to stay out of sight?
Me: He's invisible.
Morgan: ......oh......that would do it.....
Now the (sort of) IC stupidity:
(After Thracian had done something annoying. Presea had known him for three years whilst the others were meeting him for the first time.)
Valeanthe: Is he always this obnoxious?
Presea: Well...yes. But he's only this annoying when he's awake. He's worse when he's asleep.
Valeanthe:
How?Presea: He snores. Like a Tarrasque's mating call.
Gwydion: *uses Ghost Sound to mimic the Tarrasque's mating call*
Everyone else:
You bloody idiot!DM: *Picking up the dice* Now, there's a 1% chance of the Tarrasque actually showing up....*rolls dice* Oh....sweet Jesus.....
Party: :OMG!
Presea: *Drops the flat of her greataxe 'accidentally' on Gwydion's head whilst a lv 18 NPC goes and deals with the Tarrasque by casting Gate underneath it.*
-----
Later on the party had made camp and Presea and The Druid went off foraging for food by themselves. One fight with four Shadow Mastiffs later, the two girls return to the campfire with two of the corpses.
Thracian: Presea, is it possible for you to do a simple task like hunting without killing most of the local wildlife or bringing back anything strange? Is this knife sharp enough for filleting?
Presea: *Drops the corpses next to him, retrieves the knife and studies it.* Hmm....I don't know....*Slices Thracian on the arm lightly with it, drawing a bit of blood* You tell me.
Party:
-----
Finally in a fight with a rather big Golem of some description - it was made of metal and stone - Presea was down to 12 hp out of 135 (in one round!!) and she was the only one who could really do any sort of serious damage.
Gwydion: I cast Cure Serious Wounds on my familiar and have it deliver the touch spell.
DM: The golem will have an AOO on the viper as it approaches Presea.
Gwydion: Not if I throw it at her it won't. :D
Party:
DM: .....okay....make a ranged touch attack on Presea.
Gwydion: *rolls a natural 1*
DM: The viper sails past the blood-soaked fighting form of Presea and impales itself on the pointy spikes of the Golem. *Rolls dice for damage* Your viper is dead.
Gwydion:
Luckily the druid decided to risk the AOO and heal Presea, who then proceeded to systematically remove the Golem's limbs by striking for near-as-dammit maximum damage twice in a row. With a +1 Holy Large Adamantine Greataxe with a +6 STR bonus and of course Weapon Spec.
-----
Versus a big demony thing.
Thracian: *Casts Shadow Claw*
DM: *Rolls will save. Rolls a natural 1* Okay, he fluffed that...Now he moves into attack. *Rolls another natural 1* Okay, Presea it totally misses you but nearly stabs itself in the process.
Presea: *Makes an attack. Rolls natural 20, confirms the critical* Okay, I do....*calculates* 93 damage.
DM:
Owch....*Rolls save vs. Massive Damage. Rolls another 1* Oh for the love of....*turns to Thracian* Did you actually cast Ray of Fail?Thracian: :D
Much amusement had by all.
"You don't have a sword."
"Then I fall on my staff!"
Aight, so we're sneaking into a castle through an underground tunnel to find some Necromancer, when we get ambushed by a group of Zombie Umber Hulks. We commence to fighting them, and eventually do a decent amount of damage. Finally, the halfling ranger (named Harry Wigglebottom) makes the mistake of asking if the thing is dead yet.
Wigglebottom (after scoring a hit with his bow): Is it dead yet?
DM: Yes, it's quite dead
Wigglebottom: All, right I move to here! (Indicating that he walks forward, right past the Umber Hulk)
DM: Okay, you provoke an attack of opportunity!
Wigglebottom: What? I thought you said he was dead!!
DM: He IS dead! He just hasn't stopped moving yet!
From that point on it became a running gag whenever we fought something undead...
this happened to me too!
this happened to me too!
That joke made it into my party as well. My mistake... still quite funny, but they just know that when I tell them the undead are quite dead that they need to ask whether they're destroyed...
That joke made it into my party as well.
Mine too.
In my case, it was the last D&D World Game Day or whatever they called it, and I played the straight man:
Kid: "Is it dead yet?!"
Me: "It's a shadow. It's already dead."
Kid: "Is it alive yet?!"
Myself - Presea, the Female human Fighter 10 with a large greataxe. Pain ensues.
Does she have pink pigtails?
The party: Level 5 human Cleric of Heironious (moi), Lvl 5 human Sorceror, Level 5 human Fighter, and Level 5 Ranger (both player and character are female, important for later on.
The situation: The party has rapelled through a skylight into an abandoned temple in the middle of a swamp. Once we're into the room, we begin to scan the walls and from the other side of a door, we here this.
Mysterious Voice: "Scit-scat-da-badoo-ba" (Yes, it was scatting)
The ranger: Goes to the door "Hello?"
Mysterious Voice: "...Master?"
Ranger: "Yes."
Mysterious Voice: "...My master's a guy."
The source of the voice turned out to be an intelligent +1 scimitar, which made the whole thing funnier.
It spawned a line that has suck with me.
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
How many times do we have to tell you? "If it's spawned don't let it suck on you!"
Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!
How many times do we have to tell you? "If it's spawned don't let it suck on you!"
Good eyes. I didn't notice it until you pointed it out. Guess I wasn't thinking. It's supposed to be stuck instead of suck.the sorcerer ended up with it.
my character asked, totally innocently: You got the Otyugh's rod?
turns out it was, get this, the rod of sliding
three times per day, it can cause a creature to slide towards or away from the rod. seriously, what were wizard's thinking when they came up with that item?
ok, so these ones aren't lines, but they're good.
Our party died (yes, it was the sorcerer) and we found a reincarnation pool.
he started out as a gray elf.
came back as a halfling, naturally, he didn't like that. 7 deaths later, he settled on being a normal elf.
the half-celestial though wasn't so lucky, he had to roll a 100 to stay a half-celestial.
after drinking 3 litres of the stuff, the DM decided that he couldn't drink anymore because his bladder was full. in comes a Girillion. seems the water kept it's reincarnation property after being drunk, much to the Girillion->Huge Crocodile->Aranea's dismay.
Wizard: umm, can i **** on it?
Me: are you proficient with that?
Next session; Dwarf Fighter (me), Druid, Duskblade, and Pixie Warlock go into battle against what is supposed to be a moderately difficult boss fight, with the enemy (vampires) teleporting out once we do enough damage. hooray recurring villain.
Unfortunately, once in battle the Druid is knocked out of the fight by what i believe to be a Wrack(?) spell. I get bogged down fighting a small mob of minions, and the Duskblade gets hit with poisoned arrows that deal a stupid amount of Dex damage. The pixie is frantically waving around wands that cure wounds, since we didn't have a cleric, until it gets caught in an area-of-effect spell that kills it. The Duskblade shortly follows, and I horribly fail a Will Save and suffer from the Dominate Person spell. At this point, it looks like TPK.
The Druid gets back up, and we agree that discretion is the better part of valor, and cowardice is the better part of discretion. When my turn comes up, i try to think of a way to buy him some more time.
Me: "Hey, i still have a suicide kit in my inventory! I can still use that, right?"
DM: "Crap, i forgot you had that. Yeah, you were never forbidden to use it..."
The party starts to cheer; we figure that there's an explosive rune on the inside or something, and the Druid will make it.
DM: "You open the briefcase. Inside is a small glass bottle with a piece of paper inside it."
Me: :D "I break open the vial and read it."
The DM then handed me a piece of rolled up paper
Me: I carefully read it, then look up and grin. "HASTUR HASTUR HASTUR!!!"
Party:
DM: "You hear a rumbling coming from everywhere as reality starts to warp around you..."
Party: ...
Druid: "I RUN OUT THE DOOR!!! I RUN OUT THE DOOR!!!"
DM: "Great. You are now floating through deep space as the stars melt. Behind you the walls start to warp and the Vampires are frantically trying to teleport out, and failing."
Me: "Is this going to affect my Lawful Good Alignment???"
"Where all da human women at?"
ala Blazing Saddles. That movie (and Mel Brooks) pwns.
Party members: Thorin Dankill (LG Dwarf Cleric w/ Healing/Protection, played by my younger brother), Safir Tides (LG Human Paladin, played incredibly well; due to playing a bit too much Final Fantasy I sometimes call him Safer Tidus though, he really just should've made his last name be Oth), and Marevain Somethingother (not his real last name, forgot that one; CG Elf Ranger, favoured enemy: Gnoll, and gets hyper at the mere mention of them).
Marevain: (who has recently been promoted to party leader despite having the lowest Cha) "Okay guys, let's settle down, set up camp and rest for the night."
Safir: "Okay, I'll take the first watch."
*party goes to sleep*
DM(me): "Okay, roll a Listen check, Safir."
Safir: *rolls Listen check* "19 with my modifiers, that good enough?"
DM: "You can hear the rustling of the leaves in the treetops, stirred by the soft wind, and the chirping of crickets a good few hundred feet away."
Safir: "Okay, I suppose I'll go wake up Marevain to be the second watch."
*little later*
DM: "Roll a Listen check."
Marevain: *does so* "A 9, that good enough?"
DM: "You hear all but utter silence."
*after an hour passing in-game time*
DM: "Roll a Listen check."
Marevain: "17! What do I hear?"
DM: "You can hear a rustling sound in the bushes a little over 10 feet away from you, as well as a light snapping sound."
Marevain: "Oh by the gods! I go wake up the others. Guys, wake up! WAKE UP!" *starts acting as if they're under heavy assault*
Thorin: *yawns* "What's wrong?"
Marevain: "There, in the bushes..."
Safir: "If this is going to turn out to be something definately undangerous, I shall definately smack you up the head to make you pay for it."
DM: "Okay, everyone, roll Listen and Spot checks."
*Rolling results in Safir succeeding on both, Torin succeeding on his Spot check, and Marevain succeeding on his Listen check. Marevain also just barely fails his Spot check.*
DM: "Okay, Safir and Marevain, you can clearly hear the rustling sound of leaves. Marevain, you can see a patch of fur through the leaves of the bushes. Safir and Torin, you can clearly note that the creature is a furred animal with large and strong teeth, a tail as long as the rest of it's body, and large, dark, and foreboding eyes. Oh, crickey, those eyes, they're as if they are staring straight into your soul!"
Marevain: "WHAT IS IT?!?"
DM: "...a squirrel."
Marevain: "..."
Safir: "...I smack him."
The DM allowed us to use flaws that we created, As a ranger, I made one that gave me an all-but useless Animal companion. (The All-but part is explained here.) I chose a hamster. Anyway, we were in combat and fighting a lvl 13 fighter. We were losing, I was prone, The rouge was unconscious, the warrior's sword had been sundered, cleric was within threat range and could not heal without provoking attacks and the wizard was running out of spells. I decided to order my companion to attack.
Me: Sic em Boo! (Bonus points if you get the reference.)
DM: *sighs* *Rolls* 20
*Rolls again* another 20 Entire group: :OMG!
DM: The Hamster leaps at the opponents head and pierces through his armor and skull, killing him instantly!
Everyone:
Ok, this gem happened just recently.
The DM allowed us to use flaws that we created, As a ranger, I made one that gave me an all-but useless Animal companion. (The All-but part is explained here.) I chose a hamster. Anyway, we were in combat and fighting a lvl 13 fighter. We were losing, I was prone, The rouge was unconscious, the warrior's sword had been sundered, cleric was within threat range and could not heal without provoking attacks and the wizard was running out of spells. I decided to order my companion to attack.
Me: Sic em Boo! (Bonus points if you get the reference.)
DM: *sighs* *Rolls* 20
Entire group: :OMG!
DM: The Hamster leaps at the opponents head and pierces through his armor and skull, killing him instantly!
Everyone:
Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!
Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!
"Ah, we are all heroes now, you, and Boo, and I... People and hamsters everywhere, rejoice!" (Forgive me if it's a little off, I haven't played BG in years.)
Monk: *Rolls* 20! *Rolls* Conformed!
DM:
roll damage.Monk: *Rolls* *Calculates* 43 damage!
DM::OMG! Uhh, Yumei punches the hobgoblin, it convulses for a moment before exploding
Monk: :D fist of the north star
!(Bonus points for that reference)
Me: Sic em Boo! (Bonus points if you get the reference.)
Anybody who *doesn't* get that quote should be ashamed. And is also missing out on one of the best series of games ever made.
'Magic is impressive, but now Minsc leads! SWORDS FOR EVERYONE!'
Dear, this friendly clerk would like to help you.
We proceeded to crack up for at least five mintues and could not seem get back on track after that. It was still fun though.
The rogue's player said, "I thought it was the Elvish word for 'friend'."
I replied, "My character doesn't speak Elvish."
I'm running the dungeon crawl classic Mysterious Tower. The players have finished in the tower, they cleared everything out but a sink hole. In the tower thay met the new guy, Dalamar.
So they go done into the sinkhole and are exploring. The place is filled with giant mushrooms. So Talon climbs up top of a one and jumps from mushroom to mushroom. I'm serious, its what he did.
So they run into some Violet Fungi and Shriekers, which then attracts a Gelatinous Cube. Dalamar zaps it with electricity so I describe the inside the cube having lightning zap around inside.
Later in the fight, they get an ankheg involved. After killing it, they spend 5 minutes real-life debating who gets to search through the ankheg's pile of refuse. Talon's player suggests the new guy does the search. So he does. Taking 20. He threw up a few times. When I get some more, I'll post them.
Dear, this friendly clerk would like to help you.
We proceeded to crack up for at least five mintues and could not seem get back on track after that. It was still fun though.
huh?
huh?
I assumed it was a joke at the expense of the average braindead retail clerk (I can say that because I've worked plenty of cash registers in my time). The idea of a friendly, attentive, helpful clerk who is eager to serve is probably ridiculous enough to be funny. Y'know, if you're suitably jaded.
If it isn't that, then I have no clue.
Does she have pink pigtails?
Natch. :D It was an experiment to see if she could be a viable D&D character without losing too much of her original flavour. Fun to play, especially as for once in my D&D gaming life I didn't have to worry about SR. I usually play arcane or divine casters who may or may not have some martial ability.
Anyway, another one for the book came up in last night's game.
Characters involved:
Mika Melody: Human female Cleric 2. Imagine a Disney princess who for some reason had decided to become a cleric of Pelor. Yes, she does spontaneously start singing. It's the campaign setting...don't ask.
Saria Swanheart: Elven female Rogue 1/Sorceress 1. At first glance she would look like a druid, with her style of dress being simplistic and made of naturally woven fabric. She comes from somewhere called the Forest of Tranquility, and probably would have been a druid had her arcane talent not manifested.
Anyhoo, the two girls were having a discussion about sending messages using birds, and the following exchange took place:
Mika: Well, you could use other forest animals to send messages. Chipmunks and mice for example.
Saria: I've talked to some forest animals with the aid of our druid council, and believe me they don't do anything unless there's a healthy amount of nuts and berries into the bargain, along with no fighting, no long-distance travelling and no predators.
Mika: Hmm...
Saria: Also, they want plenty of mating opportunities.
Mika: Well, I wouldn't know anything about that...
Saria: No, you probably wouldn't.
It was the delivery of that final line that had us all in stitches. It was so dry and matter-of-fact as well as the subtle suggestion that Saria knew more about 'mating opportunities' than Mika did.
Maybe you'd need to have been there.... *shrug*
Me: I pickpocket. *rolls* 4.
DM: (to paladin) you notice a small gnome with his hand down your back-pocket.
Paladin: What are you doing?
Me: Ummmm, you have a nice A$$?:angelhide
DM: make a diplomacy check.
Me: *Rolls* 2.
DM: (to paladin) You do not believe he is admiring your a$$!!
Everyone:
Another time, one of the guys in our group was playing his (female) cleric, and was, well, using her femininity to the extreme, flaunting his/her... stuff... and so on: Eventually, our DM got rather ****** off and the following occured.
DM: A belt appears around your waist: it is a one-way girdle of gender change. As soon as the transformation occurs it dissappears into thin air.
Cleric: Aww... can't i make a fortitude save?
DM: Sure... i suppose.
*Cleric rolls a natural 20*
DM: Congradulations! You are now genderless!
I assumed it was a joke at the expense of the average braindead retail clerk (I can say that because I've worked plenty of cash registers in my time). The idea of a friendly, attentive, helpful clerk who is eager to serve is probably ridiculous enough to be funny. Y'know, if you're suitably jaded.
If it isn't that, then I have no clue.
We clerks are so jaded because of the sheer number of customers who ask questions like:
Where's the ketchup? and
Where's the jello?
Where are your disposable aluminum pans?
Ketchup is in the condiment aisle. The woman who asked for the jello had walked by an 8 foot wide 5 foot tall section of jello before asking me where it was. The one use aluminum pans are a 12 or 16 foot section in the baking aisle. I give people a pass if they miss something like gulf wax, chutney or pringles. But I swear people check their brains at the door some days. We do have signs labeling what's in the aisles. So please, seek and find it yourself when in the grocery store. We clerks are tired of telling you what aisle the cereal* is in.
Back on topic:
Said by my kobold cleric of IO, after seeing the party rogue use a healing belt:
"Oh, so you're a paladin!"
A snippet of conversation from a particularly brutal mod that left my rogue wizard insane:
Player 1: Great, the rogue/wizard's insane. How'll we check for traps now?
Player 2: I know, let's throw his unconscious body against the door to check for traps!
Player 3: Nonono, let's heal him till he's conscious, chuck him into the next room and wait till the fighting stops! He should at least soften up the enemies before he dies.
What was funnier was my reaction to such conversation. (I was the only one NOT laughing, and we did need some comic relief.)
Hariman
PS: Please note: "Cereal" can be replaced by any of the following: Milk. Bread. Eggs. Sugar. Flour. Brownie/cake mix. Pasta/Pasta sauce. JUICE. Pet food. Toilet Paper/Paper Towels. Spices. Canned fruit. Laundry Detergent. The Pharmacy. The Produce Section. The BAKERY. All of these are items that are listed on the blipping signs above each aisle or very easy to spot if you look for them. So please read the signs and take the time to look. It'll make all of our days much easier.
Also closely related, customers who come back and say they can't find an item in 8a, after I told them it was in 8b. This has happened to me more than once.
PPS: No, I am not kidding. I've actually had people ask for all of the things that I've listed. "I must've missed it" or "If it were a snake it would've bit me!" wear thin after the tenth time you hear them. Especially when you have to point to something that is 5 or 10 feet away, blatantly obvious to the naked eye, after the customer just walked right by it.
PPPS: I repeat. I. Am. Not. Kidding. We. Clerks. Become. Jaded. And. Miserable. For. A. Reason.
I repeat. I. Am. Not. Kidding. We. Clerks. Become. Jaded. And. Miserable. For. A. Reason.
You clerks and us postal workers. You can only put up with so many people throwing temper-tantrums because their mail isn't here yet (what, do they think we're hiding it from them or something?) or, even better, getting calls from proactive parents because their darling child hasn't received item X which, upon inspection, is sitting right there in the freaking PO Box. "Does your son check his mailbox, ma'am?"
Another one from real life, but I just had to post, so I hope you'll forgive the lack of elves and wizards.
My roommate told me about a friend of his who once stayed up into the wee small hours of the morning writing a paper. It was probably around 3 AM when this guy decided he needed caffeine. He went to the local Circle K to pick up an energy drink and, while he was there, ran into the teacher he was writing the paper for and asked her a few questions, for clarification. When he got back to his apartment, his roommate looked up at him: "Dude, where are your pants?!?"
Guy looks down. "Hehheh... woops..."
I'm playing a low level barbarin who actually has a high Int score and is litterate (hey, I had left over skill points!)...
But the party Wizard kept making fun of me being stupid because I was a barabarian (my intelligence was only 2 lower than him (in game only) using (I regret *NOT*) jsut a tiny bit of metagaming intelligence (not OOC information, just using my normal intelligence), I bought a piece of paper with an explosive rune on it then when I met up with the party that night at the inn, I decided to pay visit to the wizard in his room :P
*knocks*
Him- Come in
Me- Um, I recieved this letter today, can you read it for me?
Him- It'll cost you 1 sp
Me- Cheap bastard (the sword:P), ... fine
*gives him a sp and the "letter"*
Me- Ohh crap I hear something in my room, I forgot to lock the door!!!
*I storm out of the room and go in mine and stuff myself in my bed*
*BOOM!!!*
*the party storms in the wizard's room and find him dead as I arrive*
Me OOC- I pick up the silver peice...
Horrible I know, I just wanted to contribute..
D-End
Well...
I'm playing a low level barbarin who actually has a high Int score and is litterate (hey, I had left over skill points!)...
But the party Wizard kept making fun of me being stupid because I was a barabarian (my intelligence was only 2 lower than him (in game only) using (I regret *NOT*) jsut a tiny bit of metagaming intelligence (not OOC information, just using my normal intelligence), I bought a piece of paper with an explosive rune on it then when I met up with the party that night at the inn, I decided to pay visit to the wizard in his room :P
*knocks*
Him- Come in
Me- Um, I recieved this letter today, can you read it for me?
Him- It'll cost you 1 sp
Me- Cheap bastard (the sword:P), ... fine
*gives him a sp and the "letter"*
Me- Ohh crap I hear something in my room, I forgot to lock the door!!!
*I storm out of the room and go in mine and stuff myself in my bed*
*BOOM!!!*
*the party storms in the wizard's room and find him dead as I arrive*
Me OOC- I pick up the silver peice...
Horrible I know, I just wanted to contribute..
D-End
I.
F*CKING.
LOVE.
YOU.
Well...
I'm playing a low level barbarin who actually has a high Int score and is litterate (hey, I had left over skill points!)...
But the party Wizard kept making fun of me being stupid because I was a barabarian (my intelligence was only 2 lower than him (in game only) using (I regret *NOT*) jsut a tiny bit of metagaming intelligence (not OOC information, just using my normal intelligence), I bought a piece of paper with an explosive rune on it then when I met up with the party that night at the inn, I decided to pay visit to the wizard in his room :P
*knocks*
Him- Come in
Me- Um, I recieved this letter today, can you read it for me?
Him- It'll cost you 1 sp
Me- Cheap bastard (the sword:P), ... fine
*gives him a sp and the "letter"*
Me- Ohh crap I hear something in my room, I forgot to lock the door!!!
*I storm out of the room and go in mine and stuff myself in my bed*
*BOOM!!!*
*the party storms in the wizard's room and find him dead as I arrive*
Me OOC- I pick up the silver peice...
Horrible I know, I just wanted to contribute..
D-End
OMFGROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you're sick like me!
Well...
I'm playing a low level barbarin who actually has a high Int score and is litterate (hey, I had left over skill points!)...
But the party Wizard kept making fun of me being stupid because I was a barabarian (my intelligence was only 2 lower than him (in game only) using (I regret *NOT*) jsut a tiny bit of metagaming intelligence (not OOC information, just using my normal intelligence), I bought a piece of paper with an explosive rune on it then when I met up with the party that night at the inn, I decided to pay visit to the wizard in his room :P
*knocks*
Him- Come in
Me- Um, I recieved this letter today, can you read it for me?
Him- It'll cost you 1 sp
Me- Cheap bastard (the sword:P), ... fine
*gives him a sp and the "letter"*
Me- Ohh crap I hear something in my room, I forgot to lock the door!!!
*I storm out of the room and go in mine and stuff myself in my bed*
*BOOM!!!*
*the party storms in the wizard's room and find him dead as I arrive*
Me OOC- I pick up the silver peice...
Horrible I know, I just wanted to contribute..
D-End
Tha my not be good for party cohesion, but . .
it is the best way to deal with an ass hat wizard ever.
"Light must have one b***h touch AC."
Speed doesn't help your AC and it's clearly only got 'Clumsy' maneuverability (if that) so it's Dex os probably really low. OTOH you'd not likely to be in range when it ends it's turn :D
Speed doesn't help your AC and it's clearly only got 'Clumsy' maneuverability (if that) so it's Dex os probably really low. OTOH you'd not likely to be in range when it ends it's turn :D
i dont think that light would have that great of a touch ac either. granted the only real chance you would have is to ready an attack when it went past you and hope that you make the huge miss chance...
invisible, incorporeal, and a few others that im to lazy to think about right now
Situation-the PC is playing a Devil who is currently raiding a Ta'narri stronghold in search of a Marilith General who he is supposed to assinate. He has been staring down two demons trapped inside a small room, after dispatching one the other used his turn to activate gasious form. And then...the PCs turn.
DM to PC-So what are you doing this turn?
PC-I close the door
Good stuff!
((SEAAAN!!!))
And yeah, above situation is true, was rather hilarious.
Another time, one of the guys in our group was playing his (female) cleric, and was, well, using her femininity to the extreme, flaunting his... stuff... and so on: Eventually, our DM got rather ****** off and the following occured.
DM: A belt appears around your waist: it is a one-way girdle of gender change. As soon as the transformation occurs it dissappears into thin air.
Cleric: Aww... can't i make a fortitude save?
DM: Sure... i suppose.
*Cleric rolls a natural 20*
DM: Congradulations! You are now genderless!
Stop! Hammergun time!
Me: "Is this going to affect my Lawful Good Alignment???"
Sigged.
Anybody who *doesn't* get that quote should be ashamed. And is also missing out on one of the best series of games ever made.
For the sake of the argument, let's say I'm ashamed. What game(s) am I missing?
Situation-the PC is playing a Devil who is currently raiding a Ta'narri stronghold in search of a Marilith General who he is supposed to assinate.
Assassinate, I hope.
Well...
I'm playing a low level barbarin who actually has a high Int score and is litterate (hey, I had left over skill points!)...
But the party Wizard kept making fun of me being stupid because I was a barabarian (my intelligence was only 2 lower than him (in game only) using (I regret *NOT*) jsut a tiny bit of metagaming intelligence (not OOC information, just using my normal intelligence), I bought a piece of paper with an explosive rune on it then when I met up with the party that night at the inn, I decided to pay visit to the wizard in his room :P
*knocks*
Him- Come in
Me- Um, I recieved this letter today, can you read it for me?
Him- It'll cost you 1 sp
Me- Cheap bastard (the sword:P), ... fine
*gives him a sp and the "letter"*
Me- Ohh crap I hear something in my room, I forgot to lock the door!!!
*I storm out of the room and go in mine and stuff myself in my bed*
*BOOM!!!*
*the party storms in the wizard's room and find him dead as I arrive*
Me OOC- I pick up the silver peice...
Horrible I know, I just wanted to contribute..
D-End
Dude.... That was.... I'm sorry, but that's one of the best scenes from this entire thread.
Sigged.
For the sake of the argument, let's say I'm ashamed. What game(s) am I missing?
Assassinate, I hope.
The game you're missing would be one of the Baldur's Gate computer games (the first one, I think, not sure, could be wrong). One of the characters is a good-aligned yet absolutely crazy ranger named Minsc who has, as an animal companion, a "Giant Mutated Space Hamster" named Boo. "Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!" is Minsc's battlecry (I think).
Dude.... That was.... I'm sorry, but that's one of the best scenes from this entire thread.
Um, I beg to differ. Go back and look up some of Cuddle's antics. Trust me, there are far funnier things in this thread than that. It is good, but there are better.
The game you're missing would be one of the Baldur's Gate computer games (the first one, I think, not sure, could be wrong). One of the characters is a good-aligned yet absolutely crazy ranger named Minsc who has, as an animal companion, a "Giant Mutated Space Hamster" named Boo. "Go for the eyes, Boo! Go for the eyes!" is Minsc's battlecry (I think).
Actually, Boo is a Miniature Giant Space Hamster. Which means he's basically a hamster.
((SEAAAN!!!))
And yeah, above situation is true, was rather hilarious.
Another time, one of the guys in our group was playing his (female) cleric, and was, well, using her femininity to the extreme, flaunting his... stuff... and so on: Eventually, our DM got rather ****** off and the following occured.
DM: A belt appears around your waist: it is a one-way girdle of gender change. As soon as the transformation occurs it dissappears into thin air.
Cleric: Aww... can't i make a fortitude save?
DM: Sure... i suppose.
*Cleric rolls a natural 20*
DM: Congradulations! You are now genderless!
Faerd forgot to mention another recurring problem with our cleric. I was a Samurai named Kikuchiyo (Bonus points to whomever gets this reference.) and the Cleric was named Chigusa. The DM kept getting confused
and eventually this occurred:
DM: So Kikucha uh....
Me: KIKUCHIYO!
DM: sorry the names are hard!
Me: That's it, *Scribbles on character sheet* THERE. MY NAME IS NOW SANJURO!
Speed doesn't help your AC and it's clearly only got 'Clumsy' maneuverability (if that) so it's Dex os probably really low. OTOH you'd not likely to be in range when it ends it's turn :D
You forgot its Size bonus, though.
Actually, Boo is a Miniature Giant Space Hamster. Which means he's basically a hamster.
I stand corrected.
So, Saturday's session was a bundle of laughs. Probably the funniest session I have had so far. To recap:
The players spent the night at the library city of Tars. They searched through the ruined city and found some stuff. While doing so, they saw ghostly floating people. Even when Talon used Mage armor on himself, it had no affect. After several real life minutes of ghosts passing through them and whispers, the players took off, very creeped out. On the way, they meet two people who joined them and fought a bulette.
After some stuff in town, and then at the tower the wizard owned, the players headed off to visit the orcs.
Charged with escorting Hurgal, the leader of the orcs, to a meeting with the baroness, they headed off to the orc capital. Once there, they learned that there was a banquet for Hurgal's daughter Selwyn who was marrying an orc warrior named Korgul. The players dressed themselves up nice and bought presents, then headed to the banquet. (Here is the part where it gets hilarious)
At the banquet, the players do some mingling: Kendrew talks with Korgul about war stories, Gil hangs out some Kordian orcs, other chars do some stuff. There is a table that has food on it, and Dalamar decides to head over there. He decides to take a leg off of a chicken and eat it, which he does. Turning to notice the orcs, he realizes that all the orcs are looking at him with expressions of shock. (Can we say OOPS!?)
A bit of talk and some insulting words in orc about him from Hurgal (Dal don't understand orc) keeps the orcs from leaping on him. Eventually Hurgal's half-elf wife arrives and the banquet starts. The orcs eat the food and then have a series of competitions.
The first involves a circle on the floor of rose petals in which the orcs do sumo wrestling. Gil is able to push Korgul out of the circle.
The next hurling throwing axes at targets. Everybody does pretty well.
The competition after that is a drinking one using what appears to be flaming ale. The players learn that it is actually Flaming Ale, a drink made up of parts of a red, white, and black dragon (the elemental parts) and some ale. Some of the party members are picked to compete in this. Drinking it down, the ale burns you. (It has a fort save of 20 with a +2 for every drink after the first; first time failure 1D6 damage from the mix of cold/fire/acid-this only applies once) Almost everybody fails their saves, vomiting their drinks up. Dalamar is made to continue because of his social blunder with the chicken. A drunk orc cleric gives him more of the drink instead of something thats healing. He gets the healing afterward from another orc.
The fourth contest is to impress the orcs. The chars do pretty good, but only two get great performences. Talon impresses the orcs by throwing pies at Dalamar and encouraging the orcs to do so, which they do.
The last event is when the banquet has finished and everybody is leaving after paying compliments to the bride and groom. Through a series of bad die roles, Dalamar successively insults Hurgal, his daughter, his son-in-law and every orc there and drives them to the NPC attitude of Hostile really quick. The next half hour or more of real life time is spent trying to smooth things over with Hurgal. At the end, Dalamar is able to fix things up by basically groveling on the floor. Not having his throat slit and the party killed, he is subjected to humiliation. He gets strapped to a chair and humiliated for 9 days, at which point Hurgal will travel with the chars to meet with the baroness.
So Next session, the Chars get to escort the Orc Chief...
Faerd forgot to mention another recurring problem with our cleric. I was a Samurai named Kikuchiyo (Bonus points to whomever gets this reference.) and the Cleric was named Chigusa. The DM kept getting confused
and eventually this occurred:
DM: So Kikucha uh....
Me: KIKUCHIYO!
DM: sorry the names are hard!
Me: That's it, *Scribbles on character sheet* THERE. MY NAME IS NOW SANJURO!
Would that be Seven Samurai, or any of the two movies it's based on?
Our first encounter was against a brigand, who told us we'd have to pay 1k each to cross the bridge he was in front of, I told him he'd have to pay us 1k each to let him live. He was a 17th level fighter, I pretty much soloed him as the rest of the party only did 7 pts of damage.
Once we got over the bridge and into the town we were headed towards, a woman run up to us begging us to help find her son who had went missing just a few days earlier. I told her, "too bad, but its not my problem" and just went on my merry way.
It would later turn out that the brigand was the town sherriff who had lost his mind and stole the town treasury. I asked the deputy for a description of the sherriff, he started to tell me he was the best fighter in town when I cut him off and told him I hadn't encountered any skilled fighters on my way here.
Later in we encountered a Troll fighting four men in a cornfield. Now think of the set up, a Troll vs 4 men, what do you attack? If you said the Troll you would be wrong, because the troll wore a pair of overalls and a straw hat and was armed with a scythe, however I ignored that and proceeded to lay out the troll with my flaming kukris while the rest of the party killed the bandits.
Faerd forgot to mention another recurring problem with our cleric. I was a Samurai named Kikuchiyo (Bonus points to whomever gets this reference.) and the Cleric was named Chigusa. The DM kept getting confused
and eventually this occurred:
DM: So Kikucha uh....
Me: KIKUCHIYO!
DM: sorry the names are hard!
Me: That's it, *Scribbles on character sheet* THERE. MY NAME IS NOW SANJURO!
Would that be Seven Samurai, or any of the two movies it's based on?
Yes, it's from Seven Samurai. Kikuchiyo is the farmer's son who desperately wants to be a samurai.
Sanjuro is from a DIFFERENT Kurosawa film, "Yojimbo".
I think you meant to say "either of the two films based on it", though. AFAIK Seven Samurai is the original of that story, and I know Magnificent Seven and some popular Indian film were based on it (as well as the "Samurai 7" anime, which was the same story only In Space).
And to Guardian1: Honestly, Kurosawa films aren't obscure, so it's not really worth points to pick up the reference.
"One wrong decision could spell the end of the universe! Luckily, I have my magic eight-ball with me!"
Two soldiers waiting for their officer to radio them with the order to fight.
1st solider: "they say the hardest part is the waiting"
2nd soldier: "yes, they do"
1st: "their wrong! The hardest part is getting this
radio to work!"Yes, it's from Seven Samurai. Kikuchiyo is the farmer's son who desperately wants to be a samurai.
Sanjuro is from a DIFFERENT Kurosawa film, "Yojimbo".
I think you meant to say "either of the two films based on it", though. AFAIK Seven Samurai is the original of that story, and I know Magnificent Seven and some popular Indian film were based on it (as well as the "Samurai 7" anime, which was the same story only In Space).
And to Guardian1: Honestly, Kurosawa films aren't obscure, so it's not really worth points to pick up the reference.
I know, but I couldn't help it.:angelhide
"I'm sorry, but I personally enjoy the game more when I *don't* have to worry about stepping on someone elses toes. And thats easier if they don't shoot themselves in the foot so their toes end up on my lawn."
Me: I'm going to play a level 10 warrior of the wiimote fu style. My goal is to attain the legendary wiimote excalimote. They say he who pulls it from the sacred TV becomes the new president of nintendo.
DM: Oh god, that's so stupid.
Later on, as my companion and I trod through the desert, searching for the wiimote, we were accosted by some thugs.
Companion: "We seek for the legendary wiimote-" At which point he bursts out laughing.
DM: "You'll never get the legendary wii mo-" Oh god I can't say it, this is too stupid. At which point he bursts out laughing at how stupid it all was.
Player 1: 'We're sorry we were late, we got held up by the cops, a foot patrol waved us over'
Player 2: 'Foot patrol? Are those the police that make sure you're wearing shoes?'
:|
*My warforged fighter was badly damaged in a fight with a reaping mauler, the group takes me to some weird gnome with a lisp to repair me. Upon compleation I come to find out the gnome has made a few "Upgrades"
Gnome: It was a success, I fixed your friend and made him stronger, faster, less explodie.
Monk Player: I swear to god that if his charge attack now make a weird noise and everything slows down I am going to die of laughter.
Druid Player: The six million platinum Warforged.
DM: Just wait...as the warforged comes out the gnome gives you a huge grin.
Gnome: I attached a cannon on his arm that lets him fire magic missiles!
Monk: Ha! He isn't the six million platinum Warforged. He is Mega Man!
Me: I swear to God if I have to now fight Nine evil Warforged Masters before going after this Gnomes arch nemesis I am going to kill you all.
Everyone: *laughing*
It was a running gag the entire campaign that anytime I killed something I got "Equipped with" some special racial power.
When the characters get back to their tower, they learn some of the Kobold workers have been getting weird. One even saw fairies for three days. So after asking them about this and questioning the Druid they hired, they discover its...Magic Mushrooms. In the sinkhole at the tower, there is a forest of large mushrooms. While searching the Kobolds find some smaller ones and tried them out. Weeeeewww!!!
During a game last year
*My warforged fighter was badly damaged in a fight with a reaping mauler, the group takes me to some weird gnome with a lisp to repair me. Upon compleation I come to find out the gnome has made a few "Upgrades"
Gnome: It was a success, I fixed your friend and made him stronger, faster, less explodie.
Monk Player: I swear to god that if his charge attack now make a weird noise and everything slows down I am going to die of laughter.
Druid Player: The six million platinum Warforged.
DM: Just wait...as the warforged comes out the gnome gives you a huge grin.
Gnome: I attached a cannon on his arm that lets him fire magic missiles!
Monk: Ha! He isn't the six million platinum Warforged. He is Mega Man!
Me: I swear to God if I have to now fight Nine evil Warforged Masters before going after this Gnomes arch nemesis I am going to kill you all.
Everyone: *laughing*
It was a running gag the entire campaign that anytime I killed something I got "Equipped with" some special racial power.
You want to actually play the part, then, just to keep the gag running? Because the CO boards made a Megaman-based character that kicks serious ass.
You want to actually play the part, then, just to keep the gag running? Because the CO boards made a Megaman-based character that kicks serious ass.
Oh I did continue to play the character. It actually was very fun to play and I had a great time with it. I am a huge Mega Man fan so I didn't really have a problem with the concept, just making a joke along with the rest of the group. :D
Recently, I had a chest cold that was so bad, I swear I was coughing up Flem Elementals.
DM: I liked your Hula plan better...
Me: When we start the 4th Edition campaign we are going to have to be good-aligned. Adam (DM for our Modern game) said that it's about time and that we are all evil b******s, especially you because you killed two kids with your bare hands.
Andrew: What can I say, I love kids :evillaugh
DM: I liked your Hula plan better...
All I can think of is Timon in the Lion King.
"Distract them? What am I supposed to do, dress in drag and do a hula?"
"LUAU!"
All I can think of is Timon in the Lion King.
"Distract them? What am I supposed to do, dress in drag and do a hula?"
"LUAU!"
Same thing here. In all honesty, that is probably one of the best distractions ever. I'll have to try it out against a pack of ghouls some time. Perfect! I'll be starting an undead heavy campaign soon.
Same thing here. In all honesty, that is probably one of the best distractions ever. I'll have to try it out against a pack of ghouls some time. Perfect! I'll be starting an undead heavy campaign soon.
Oh where is MJ when you need to deal with a pack of undead?
I'll have to try it out against a pack of ghouls some time. Perfect! I'll be starting an undead heavy campaign soon.
I fear your gaming sessions.
Oh where is MJ when you need to deal with a pack of undead?
I don't quite get this one. Care to elaborate? I can only think of two things MJ could stand for, and I doubt either Spiderman's girlfriend or an illegal drug is going to help defeat a pack of undead.
I fear your gaming sessions.
Don't. They're hilarious. And I just figured out the best delivery for it. (NOTE: it's a fantasy modern setting, with magic only recently reintroduced, and most of the world remains largely unaffected. I'm playing a foreign exchange student from Zanzabar, and yes, this was a Muppet Treasure Island reference. We ended the last campaign with "Off to Zanzabar, to meet the Zanzabarbarians!" He's not too familiar with American customs or culture. He also recently turned into a troll, which the DM says usually have Jamaican accents. I don't know why.)
Me: "Wait man. I got a plan."
Someone: "What is it?"
Me: [deadpan delivery] "Have you ever seen The Lion King?" [pause] "LUAU!"
I don't quite get this one. Care to elaborate? I can only think of two things MJ could stand for, and I doubt either Spiderman's girlfriend or an illegal drug is going to help defeat a pack of undead.
Probably Michael Jackson ... Thriller reference, probably, though I'm not too sure.
I don't quite get this one. Care to elaborate? I can only think of two things MJ could stand for, and I doubt either Spiderman's girlfriend or an illegal drug is going to help defeat a pack of undead.
Or Michael Jordan/Jackson. Though seeing Mary Jane on Weed trying to fight zombies would be funny as hell!
Or Michael Jordan/Jackson. Though seeing Mary Jane on Weed trying to fight zombies would be funny as hell!
Hah. Seriously, though, it's a Thrilller reference -- Jackson turned into a zombie and took control of all the zombies to make them dance.
Coincidentally, I LOVED the superbowl commercial with all the lizards doing that dance.
He also recently turned into a troll, which the DM says usually have Jamaican accents. I don't know why.
WoW reference. The trolls of the warcraft universe have semi-jamaican accents.
With a snake like movement of her hands she seduced the simple drunkard into embracing her in the depths, her lips arched back in the anxiety of an easy meal. she could practically feel his soul energy being drained from him as his lips neared hers.
Much to her displeasure, she discovered that his body was immune to her life draining kiss, though comically willing to accept the pseudo-infatuation.
So, already thoroughly inebriated, the Drunk continues to kiss her as she struggles to break his hold, but cannot exceed his graple attempt. water began to drain from the tunnel as in changed orientation, and as the drunken master's head broke the stagnant waters surface he smiled
"Your body says no, but your spell-like abilities say yes."
Much to her displeasure, she discovered that his body was immune to her life draining kiss, though comically willing to accept the pseudo-infatuation.
...
"Your body says no, but your spell-like abilities say yes."
I don't actually laugh out loud at these very often. Congratulations.
Of course, you know she was teasing him -- she could have teleported away any time. :D So, now, why was he immune to energy drain?...
Lady Cryso: Even your god thinks arcane magic is better!
...which is what you get, really, when you're a cleric of Boccob. :P
The party wizard was arguing with the party cleric on whether arcane magic was better than divine magic, off and on, for several minutes of in-game time. Eventually, the wizard popped this line...
Lady Cryso: Even your god thinks arcane magic is better!
...which is what you get, really, when you're a cleric of Boccob. :P
That line is totally great. If such an argument ever occurs in a game I'm in, I'm definitely going to say something like that. :P
This occurred yesterday:
Setting was on a square, during a god's judgment (a fight between two people to determine who is in the right). The paladin defended the cleric, who had been arrested for attempted murder. He fought against a really tough barbarian.
Safir (paladin): I attack the barbarian with my might greatsword!
Marevain (ranger): Yay! Go Safir! Greatswordial Attack!
Safir: (OOC) Shut up. Okay then... *rolls for hit* 19.
DM: You scored a threat! Roll to confirm it.
Safir: 'Kay then. *rolls*
DM: CRITICAL HIT! Roll for damage.
Safir: Okay then. *rolls* 10. Including my Strength times one-and-a-half, that makes 12.
DM: You let your mighty blade descend upon your opponent, and proceed to leave an incredible wound upon his chest. You also nearly chop off his arm and leg.
Safir: HOLY BUZZ! I did not mean to do that! This was a no-kill battle right?! Seriously, I did not mean to do that!
Thorin (cleric): I go up to the barbarian and heal him with Cure Light Wounds.
Marevain: You can't cure him, he's DEAD! You can't cure DEAD!
Thorin: Well then... I use Cure Light Wounds again. And again.
Marevain: What the F are you doing?!
DM: Okay, the barbarian stands up again.
Marevain: What the frick?! How did he do that?
Barbarian: Ring of not dieing rocks, yeah!
which the DM says usually have Jamaican accents. I don't know why.)
That would be a Warcraft reference. The Trolls in Warcraft 3 and WoW have pseudo-Jamaican accents, as well as other obviously Carribean cultural leanings.
That would be a Warcraft reference. The Trolls in Warcraft 3 and WoW have pseudo-Jamaican accents, as well as other obviously Carribean cultural leanings.
Hey, Warcraft 3 trolls are hilarious with that accent. It makes them highly entertaining even if it is a slight bit cheesy. Especially if its cheesy.
Ranger: whats in the Room
DM: Roll spot
Ranger: *Rolls* 16
DM: You see a wall.
Ranger: I open the door.
DM:
There's no Door! Its a Wall! A plain, stone, WALL!Ranger: I open the wall! :D
Okay, so we're continuing our adventure and we enter a room.
Ranger: whats in the Room
DM: Roll spot
Ranger: *Rolls* 16
DM: You see a wall.
Ranger: I open the door.
DM:
Ranger: I open the wall! :D
Stuff like that is why some of my DMs have started rolling spot and listen and search checks for us players... a DM telling a player to roll one of those checks makes a metagamer's character suddenly very alert and suspicious of his surroundings, even though the character's got no good reason.
Stuff like that is why some of my DMs have started rolling spot and listen and search checks for us players... a DM telling a player to roll one of those checks makes a metagamer's character suddenly very alert and suspicious of his surroundings, even though the character's got no good reason.
Then the DMs have a wonderful tool for making players suspicious and paranoid
Then the DMs have a wonderful tool for making players suspicious and paranoid
'tis true. I've read wonderful stories on these boards about players who checked deserted, uninteresting ruins for at least half an hour real-time because the DM randomly and arbitrarily asked for a search check, and the character rolled a 1. Never occurred to those groups to have the character with the highest modifier take 20... or if it did, they still thought they were missing something and complained because the DM had set the DC to high.
'tis true. I've read wonderful stories on these boards about players who checked deserted, uninteresting ruins for at least half an hour real-time because the DM randomly and arbitrarily asked for a search check, and the character rolled a 1. Never occurred to those groups to have the character with the highest modifier take 20... or if it did, they still thought they were missing something and complained because the DM had set the DC to high.
Meh. I'd rather actually play for that half hour. It's the same kind of DMing that results in PCs prodding the floor with a stick and agonizingly searching every square inch of dungeon for fear of traps.
Meh. I'd rather actually play for that half hour. It's the same kind of DMing that results in PCs prodding the floor with a stick and agonizingly searching every square inch of dungeon for fear of traps.
Oh, don't get me wrong, I completely agree with you, but it's fun to read those stories of DMs getting back at the metagamers every now and then.
Stuff like that is why some of my DMs have started rolling spot and listen and search checks for us players... a DM telling a player to roll one of those checks makes a metagamer's character suddenly very alert and suspicious of his surroundings, even though the character's got no good reason.
A DM has to have one HELL of a Poker Face.
Meh. I'd rather actually play for that half hour. It's the same kind of DMing that results in PCs prodding the floor with a stick and agonizingly searching every square inch of dungeon for fear of traps.
Oh definitly. It should be used as a fear, paranoia or apprehension building tool. Not just to consume time. Build the fear, then bring on the danger!
A DM has to have one HELL of a Poker Face.
That, or laugh maniacally whether you're tricking the players into wasting time, or actually sending something dangerous after them.
That, or laugh maniacally whether you're tricking the players into wasting time, or actually sending something dangerous after them.
So, instead of a poker face, a clown face :D
That, or laugh maniacally whether you're tricking the players into wasting time, or actually sending something dangerous after them.
That IS my Poker face. Freaks the other players into folding a lot.
My signature is now my catchphrase for D&D. Usually my group stumbles around incompetently. So whenever we do something right, I say "It's almost as if we knew what we were doing."
We had a guy who used to quote another line from mythbusters ALL the time.
"I reject your reality and insert my own." Or something like that...
"How much damage does a falling orc deal?"
Party rogue unlocks the orc's cell door: "Come on! We're here to rescue you!"
Orc: ". . . I'm not going anywhere! It's safer in here, and they're planning to EXECUTE me!"
Hey, Warcraft 3 trolls are hilarious with that accent. It makes them highly entertaining even if it is a slight bit cheesy. Especially if its cheesy.
I'd agree, but half of what makes that work is how Warcraft trolls look. DND Trolls look entirely different. DND Trolls are closer to Warcraft Ogres, even.
Me (Level 3 Human Druid, Large Wolf Companion)
J (Level 3 Human Wizard)
T (Level 3 Warforged-Scout Rogue)
Ok, this is more situational than awesome lines, but i found it hilarious.
We were defending a town, expecting a hob goblin raid from the north (we are level 3) but prepared defenses at both the north and south entrance to the town.
We had split the party, but when the south was attacked and the north empty, we left only a few militia there to watch out for more enemies. During that time, I cast produce flame that i never used. 20 hobgoblins got slaughtered within 4 rounds due to our preparations. During the fight, the north end got attacked as well so i hopped on my wolf, J got on too and ran to the other gate. the Rogue started huffing after us.
Our preparations for the night before consisted of this:
In the gate was a pit trap with spikes and Oil-soaked Hay at the bottom. Inside the walls, beside the entrance were two barrels of oil, one on each side. a third barrel of oil was placed out in front of the gate, close enough to hit but far enough to not break the pit trap coverings.
The militia had already detonated the first barrel and we got up there just before the hobgoblins found the trap.
DM: Ok, you get up and see the hobgoblins start to rush the entrance.
*rolls*
damn, these guys are good. Everyone makes it, there are now 20 hobgoblins in the town.
Me: Since I got here before they jumped, can i get off a spell before they cross?
DM: yeah, sure. what spell?
Me: I cast entangle centered on the pit trap.
DM: ....
J: I'll add a Kelgore's Grave Mist to that, same spot. they all take 4 Damage.
DM: ....
*rolls*
10 make the save, 10 are stuck. They move at half speed, and are fatigued.
*rolls*
all 10 fall in the pit.
Me: I have 2 uses of produce flame left. I'll toss one in the pit.
DM: Who likes Hobgoblin shish-kabob?
Next Round
DM: *rolls* Ok, the 10 hobgoblins manage to break free of the entangle. There is a path on the edges of the pit, right? all 10 start going around the pit.
Me: When they get near the end, i toss my last flame at the barrels. You ruled them as 3d6, right? and there are two of them.
DM: *rolls* *sigh* the barrels explode in a chain reaction. when the smoke clears, there are no more hobgoblins left. all you see are blackened boots. congratulations, you just ruined a EL9 encounter in 2 rounds.
T: I manage to come huffing up, and see the destruction. going up to others, i say "Good job. You guys go rest, i'll go loo.. i mean clean up here."
We had a guy who used to quote another line from mythbusters ALL the time.
"I reject your reality and insert my own." Or something like that...
It's "substitute my own", actually.
DM: Ok, you as a party walk into this massive room, with a large fountain in the middle of a four-walkway intersection. Marble flooring, marble walls, and the fountain looks to be made out of a similar stone. And there's a 'Leak' in it.
The players look to one another, and one of them pipes up.
Player 1: Ok, I put my finger in the leak.
There is a deeply puzzled look on the DM's face at his player's choice of actions.
DM: OK, it looks at you funny.
There's several minutes where the players debate on what the Hell is going on with the 'Leak' looking at them, asking all sorts of questions about 'Well is there an eyeball in the leak?', the DM responding that yes, there's two of them, glowing. This only creatures more confusion, and more questions to try and get a proper explanation out of the DM. -Finally-, after gameplay was nearly brought to a standstill, the DM got frustrated and showed his players what he was talking about.
DM: See? -This- is a 'Leak'. An Undead Spellcaster, jeez you guys.
The players all groan, and begin to twitch inside, and really wish to throttle their mispronouncing DM.
Player 1: -That's a Lich you dumb ass-! Lich! L-i-c-h. I'm not putting my finger in a Lich!
DM: And there's a 'Leak' in it.
My God..... This is GREAT. For some reason I imagine the DM is German.
They're standing in this alley, and the druid pauses for just a beat before saying:
"Now, take this as you will, but are you out of your f***ing mind?"
For some reason I imagine the DM is German.
I doubt it ... German-speakers wouldn't pronounce "leak" and "lich" the same - the "ch" sound is similar to the Scottish pronunciation (at least, that's what I learned in German), among other things.
I doubt it ... German-speakers wouldn't pronounce "leak" and "lich" the same - the "ch" sound is similar to the Scottish pronunciation (at least, that's what I learned in German), among other things.
They might, though. The standard german CH is that raspy back-of-the-throat hack that you also hear in Scottish and Hebrew (well, and all the arabic langauges). Most english speakers render that sound as a K. For example, most english speakers pronounce "Achmed" as if it were "Akmed", "Bach" as if it were "Bok", and "Loch" as if it were "lock" -- all leaving out the throat sound.
That would lead to "lich = leak", if you assumed "lich" was a germanic word... though in German the I would be a short-i sound, and it would sound like "lick", so you'd have to be saying it like it was... I dunno. Hebrew maybe.
Coincidentally, as I understand it, the Southern dialect of German is influenced by French and also leaves out that sound -- they pronounce 'ch' as if it were an 'sh', and would say "lich" as "leash".
So, instead of a poker face, a clown face :D
Well I just smile... I always get.
"Oh no guys, he is smiling again."
DM: "Yeah. She's energy draining you."
PC: "I grab her butt."
DM: "What?"
PC: "Hey, as long as there's this hot demon chick slowly sucking the life out of me, I may as well enjoy it while I still can."
Whatever does kill me, at least I'll die happy :P
Whatever doesn't kill me, can only make me stronger.
Whatever does kill me, at least I'll die happy :P
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or cripples you for life.
I'm slowly designing a game world with a theology that's loosely based on modern Roman Catholicism. The patron of Law and Luck? Murphy.
My God..... This is GREAT. For some reason I imagine the DM is German.
British, I believe. That's one of the classic tales, right up there with the Gazebo and the Head of Vecna.
The way I heard it, the "leak" responded to the finger by casting a fireball and it didn't take long to get the DM to explain "leak" meant "undead spellcaster".It's "substitute my own", actually.
If you knew the guy I was refering to, Insert was more likely what he would say. And then he would snicker...
They might, though. The standard german CH is that raspy back-of-the-throat hack that you also hear in Scottish and Hebrew (well, and all the arabic langauges). Most english speakers render that sound as a K. For example, most english speakers pronounce "Achmed" as if it were "Akmed", "Bach" as if it were "Bok", and "Loch" as if it were "lock" -- all leaving out the throat sound.
That would lead to "lich = leak", if you assumed "lich" was a germanic word... though in German the I would be a short-i sound, and it would sound like "lick", so you'd have to be saying it like it was... I dunno. Hebrew maybe.
Coincidentally, as I understand it, the Southern dialect of German is influenced by French and also leaves out that sound -- they pronounce 'ch' as if it were an 'sh', and would say "lich" as "leash".
Which is actually quite appropriate. Although I can't find the source anymore (I want to say I found it on wikipedia. Damn their mutable nature), I want to say I read that the term lich originated from a Hebrew term for body. Wikipedia still mentions that it's an archaic word for body or corpse, but it won't say which language.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger... or cripples you for life.
I'm slowly designing a game world with a theology that's loosely based on modern Roman Catholicism. The patron of Law and Luck? Murphy.
Will he have a mad prophet named "Finagle"? (Or was that God Finagle, with his mad prophet Murphy?)
Most times we just blame it on Terprat's Causality Principle: "One in a million chances happen nine times out of ten" :D
This statement holds true in many ways for me.
Which is actually quite appropriate. Although I can't find the source anymore (I want to say I found it on wikipedia. Damn their mutable nature), I want to say I read that the term lich originated from a Hebrew term for body. Wikipedia still mentions that it's an archaic word for body or corpse, but it won't say which language.
I've never heard that. As far as I know, lich (or lych) comes from old english "līċ", a corpse, from the same old-germanic root word as German "leiche" (which means corpse).
Going back further than that, it seems to come from Proto-Indo-European, one of the first languages we know of, which contains the roots for Greek, Latin, German, English, Hindi, and a dozens of other langauge groups. The PIE root of the term is "lig", which apparently meant "like" or "similar to". (As in, I suppose, "similar to a living person"?)
I don't think there's any hebrew in there. I would be very much suspicious of any claim of a hebrew word showing up in pre-Roman europe, in any case, as it was the spread of Christianity that introduced the Old Testament terminology into this part of the world.
Just for the record, Persian (which is to say, Babylonian) was an IE language, but the other Arabic languages, including Hebrew, are called Semetic languages. They descend from Proto-Afro-Asiatic, which is also the root language for most of the african langauges and ancient Egyptian. (Modern Egyptian is a totally different language and PIE. This is part of the reason why reading heiroglyphs was so hard -- we don't know what spoken Ancient Egyptian sounded like!)
The other big protolanguage was Proto-Sino-Tibetan, which is the root langauge for Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Tibetan, and virtually every other Asian language. As far as I know, we know almost nothing about PST other than that those languages do have a common root.
Will he have a mad prophet named "Finagle"? (Or was that God Finagle, with his mad prophet Murphy?)
Niven's thing was "the dread god Finagle and his mad prophet Murphy". Sometimes expressed to parody the Islamic prayer as, "There is no god but Finagle, and Murphy is his prophet".
Niven's thing was "the dread god Finagle and his mad prophet Murphy". Sometimes expressed to parody the Islamic prayer as, "There is no god but Finagle, and Murphy is his prophet".
I'm totally stealing that line for a sig on another forum where I am known as "Morphy". :P
I've never heard that. As far as I know, lich (or lych) comes from old english "līċ", a corpse, from the same old-germanic root word as German "leiche" (which means corpse).
Going back further than that, it seems to come from Proto-Indo-European, one of the first languages we know of, which contains the roots for Greek, Latin, German, English, Hindi, and a dozens of other langauge groups. The PIE root of the term is "lig", which apparently meant "like" or "similar to". (As in, I suppose, "similar to a living person"?)
I don't think there's any hebrew in there. I would be very much suspicious of any claim of a hebrew word showing up in pre-Roman europe, in any case, as it was the spread of Christianity that introduced the Old Testament terminology into this part of the world.
Just for the record, Persian (which is to say, Babylonian) was an IE language, but the other Arabic languages, including Hebrew, are called Semetic languages. They descend from Proto-Afro-Asiatic, which is also the root language for most of the african langauges and ancient Egyptian. (Modern Egyptian is a totally different language and PIE. This is part of the reason why reading heiroglyphs was so hard -- we don't know what spoken Ancient Egyptian sounded like!)
The other big protolanguage was Proto-Sino-Tibetan, which is the root langauge for Chinese, Japanese, Korean, Tibetan, and virtually every other Asian language. As far as I know, we know almost nothing about PST other than that those languages do have a common root.
I could be wrong. Like I said, I can't seem to find the quote anymore, so it could very well be that I'm remembering wrong. And if I'm not, but it has since been taken off wikipedia, it may have been misinformation. Since you clearly know a lot about linguistics, I'm just going to defer to you on this.
On a side note, I used to think "lich" was pronounced sort of like in lichen (hah! tongue-twister). Which really drove me nuts, because I have Draconimicon and kept getting dracolich and dracolyte mixed up. It didn't help that I'd never heard of an acolyte before. I'd still be mispronouncing it if it weren't for the little disaster known as "Dungeons & Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God." But then again, if it weren't for that movie, I'd probably still be failing the spot checks to notice the big D&D logo on Draconimicon, so I wouldn't be writing here right now. (I recognized the name Falazure).
the little disaster known as "Dungeons & Dragons 2: Wrath of the Dragon God."
It's still better than the first one. :shudder: Even though I know the "correct" pronunciation for lich, I still pronounce it "like." OED's page for "lich":
http://dictionary.oed.com/cgi/entry/50132776?single=1&query_type=word&queryword=lich&first=1&max_to_show=10
So, instead of a poker face, a clown face :D
So, a Joker face?
In my last session, the PCs found some footprints.
DM (Me): As you search among the debris you find some small footprin-
Cleric(OOC): My Kobold senses are tingling!
DM: William (Ranger's name both in and out of Character), Make a survival check to recognize the traps.
Ranger: *Rolls High*
DM: *sighs* You're right again, Dave.
He had guessed what monster they would be fighting three times in a row.
It's still better than the first one. :shudder: Even though I know the "correct" pronunciation for lich, I still pronounce it "like." OED's page for "lich":
http://dictionary.oed.com/cgi/entry/50132776?single=1&query_type=word&queryword=lich&first=1&max_to_show=10
I've never seen the first one. I probably shouldn't. In all honesty, I didn't think the second was as bad as I hear everyone else saying, but then again, my brother and I were laughing ourselves out of our chairs while watching it. It helped that this was a showing on one of those movie channels (SciFi, maybe? I don't know why SciFi channel includes fantasy. They're not the same). Anyway, the channel kept interrupting the movie with little flashes of stereotyped D&D "geekiness" put to medieval fair music. It added something of a Monte Python feel to it. To this day, we still remember one of these. It read "Rule #1: Always protect your cleric." No more than five minutes after this, the cleric gets swallowed whole by some sort of undead dragon with an ice breath weapon, and the thing explodes (I still don't know why). I remember them finding some small piece of his body. My brother and I joked "They should have remembered to protect their cleric."
"Yes."
"Well, can we light alchemists fire and throw them in that general direction?'
"There are houses over there."
"Right, can we light the hoses on fire to smoke out the snipers?"
"No, starting a city fire would not be consideed a 'good' thing to do."
"Bummer. Okay, let's run for it."
"No, starting a city fire would not be consideed a 'good' thing to do."
"Bummer. Okay, let's run for it."
I have always been amazed, even within my own gaming group, at some players' inability to distinguish right from wrong in the context of the game. I don't know how many times I've heard the DM (who is sometimes me!) splutter, "T..that would be an evil act,"* and then the reply comes -- "Ohhh. Right. Okay, well, we'll do something else instead."
* Since we were playing Star Wars RPG for a while, this was actually more often heard as, "Well you can, but you'll get dark side points for it..."
I've never seen the first one. I probably shouldn't. In all honesty, I didn't think the second was as bad as I hear everyone else saying, but then again, my brother and I were laughing ourselves out of our chairs while watching it.
I didn't think the second one (the Dragon God one) was horrible. It was very much a D&D movie, in that it sometimes went to painful lengths to specify the names of spells being used. (I recall one instance where the girl says, "I'll cast a Legend Lore spell to see if I can learn more about it!" where it would have been more natural to say something that implies what spell it is without using the formal name, like "I will delve into visions of the past and try to learn something about it".) I still don't know why the wizard chick thought it was a good idea to test for traps by sending her familiar in first.
The first D&D movie was much worse. I simply could not accept Marlon Wayans, in full-on "see how funny I'm not" mode, as an elf. The painfully stereotypical dwarf didn't help much, but then I'm also big on playing characters against type. (I'm the guy who'll be playing a Dwarf monk, or a halfling barbarian. Or elf rogues, which aren't really against type -- except I always play them like Han Solo rather than the usual elfy stereotypes.)
Player 1: -That's a Lich you dumb ass-! Lich! L-i-c-h. I'm not putting my finger in a Lich!
My old group had this legendary tale about this party who was told that there was a White Dragon in a cave. So they prepared rediculously, even had their Dwarf Wizard scry on the cave to make sure the Dragon was there. They stocked up on flaming weapons, and dragonbane weapons, alchemists fire, everything, and went into the cave.
Only when they got there they found that it wasn't a white dragon.
it was a *WIGHT* dragon, a *RED* wight dragon. Not only was it immune to fire, but the dragonbane weapons didn't work cause it was undead...
My old group had this legendary tale about this party who was told that there was a White Dragon in a cave. So they prepared rediculously, even had their Dwarf Wizard scry on the cave to make sure the Dragon was there. They stocked up on flaming weapons, and dragonbane weapons, alchemists fire, everything, and went into the cave.
Only when they got there they found that it wasn't a white dragon.
it was a *WIGHT* dragon, a *RED* wight dragon. Not only was it immune to fire, but the dragonbane weapons didn't work cause it was undead...
You'd think that would be something the Dwarf would notice when scrying
You'd think that would be something the Dwarf would notice when scrying
Yeah, that's one of those "beat the DM for being ambiguous" things. I'd demand a redo, actually, since it was the DM's fault.
When we heard rustling in the forest coming our way I told the elf. “Find religion quick, we need a cleric.”
Me (aside to player 1): "Damn it. . ."
Player 1: "What is it?"
Me: "Power Creep. Things in Monster Manual 2 are almost always worse than the Monster Manual 1."
Player 1: "Oh yeah, that's right. At least it's not Monster Manual 3."
DM: *having not heard us* "Hang on, it's not in this book either." *Opens up Monster Manual 3."
Player 1 and Me: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"
For the record, the monster he was looking for was a Boneclaw, and it nearly kicked our butts. Having no Cleric sucks almost as much as undead with reach weapons: "Well, I COULD try to shoot it with my bow, and deal no damage, or I could try to tumble past its ten thousand attacks of opportunity and die. . ." Actually, my bard did manage to tumble past the boneclaw's four AoOs, take a swing with her shortsword, whiff, and then get hit the next round with a double critical. 22 hp to -10 just like that.
Uh, DC 15 tumble check means NO attacks of opportunity.
And a Bard with 22HP is probably around level 4 or 5, so that DC 15 isn't quite a sure thing.
And a Bard with 22HP is probably around level 4 or 5, so that DC 15 isn't quite a sure thing.
Not only that, but the boneclaw has combat reflexes and something like a 20 foot reach, and the DC goes up by two for each AoO past the first. So the DC for my 5th level character, (who had a Tumble skill of 11) had to make 4 tumble checks at 15, 17, 19, 21.
The last check I rolled a 10 exactly.
Then I rolled a 1 on my attack roll
I was standing in the upper room of a (about 200 ft) tower surrounded by the cables for several primitive elevator cars. I had raised an alarm and there were tons of guards riding up the in cars to get to me. It was one of those situations the DM never intends for you to get out of.
Me: "I chop a cable with my sword" *rolls* "that should cut it"
DM: "ok, that's one elevator down, 4 more to go"
Me: *Looks through the rulebook for a second* "I cleave the next cable"
DM: "You can't do that, the feat doesn't work that way"
Me: "But I made a creature drop and reduced it to -1 HP. I made lots of creatures drop actually; approximately 150ft."
DM:
I Greater Cleave the other 4 cables and calmly walk out of the tower after killing the entire compliment of guards in one round.
Not only that, but the boneclaw has combat reflexes and something like a 20 foot reach, and the DC goes up by two for each AoO past the first. So the DC for my 5th level character, (who had a Tumble skill of 11) had to make 4 tumble checks at 15, 17, 19, 21.
But that's the point. That's not how tumbles work.
If you make the DC 15, you can move the specified distance (half your speed, usually) an not PROVOKE AOOs from movement. It doesn't matter how many AOOs that creature can theoretically make; one check is sufficient to get you 15 feet or so without taking attacks.
You increase the DC by 2 for each additional enemy you try to tumble past, not each AOO each enemy is capable of making. One boneclaw requires only a single DC 15 tumble check to avoid.
But that's the point. That's not how tumbles work.
If you make the DC 15, you can move the specified distance (half your speed, usually) an not PROVOKE AOOs from movement. It doesn't matter how many AOOs that creature can theoretically make; one check is sufficient to get you 15 feet or so without taking attacks.
You increase the DC by 2 for each additional enemy you try to tumble past, not each AOO each enemy is capable of making. One boneclaw requires only a single DC 15 tumble check to avoid.
It's also not how AOOs work. Even if you don't even attemt a tumble check, it doesn't matter how far you move through a particular opponent's threatened area. He only gets one AOO on you per round due to movement.
It's also not how AOOs work. Even if you don't even attemt a tumble check, it doesn't matter how far you move through a particular opponent's threatened area. He only gets one AOO on you per round due to movement.
Wouldju guys stop ruining the greatest thread these boards of have seen? This is that thread right? I thought it had more pages... like fours of hundreds of pages...
One time, I DM'd a PUG. The game began and the Fighter bull-rushed the door right into a pike. He died. I never DM'd before. I made up the reflex save. I made up the damage. I figgered that that's the obvious thing the Fighter'd do and would never think that the enemy was smart enough to simply mount a pike on the other side.
It was a "You had to be there"
I've never seen the first one. I probably shouldn't. In all honesty, I didn't think the second was as bad as I hear everyone else saying, but then again, my brother and I were laughing ourselves out of our chairs while watching it.
The second D&D movie was watchable if you assume you're watching a movie of someone's campaign. It's actually kind of funny, trying to work out the player behind each PC. The first was not watchable... you had to wonder if these people ever even played D&D. (Probably not, considering the sparkly Generic Material Component.)
Digg: Heh, you think you're so great? The drow here has wrestled a bear!
Nicholas: Yes, I'm sure he has.
Digg: Actually, it was two bears!
Granath: They were Dire Bears.
Kessel: What the hell is a bear?!
So, we might have been exaggerating.
Later in the conversation...
Digg: A wise goblin once told me, "Confident, cocky, lazy, dead."
Nicholas: Very wise indeed.
Digg: He's dead now.
Nicholas never caught that last line, actually. :P
A DM has to have one HELL of a Poker Face.
The strange part. When the player decided to open the wall, I had no poker face at all. There was no reason to look at the wall. It was just a wall behind a random tapestry. In fact, against what Tsukasa said, I didn't even call for a spot check!!!
Another funny thing that happened on the very same day was an eerily similar reinactment of eric and the gazebo.
Elven Ranger: What's in the room.
DM (Me): *rolls spot checks* you see 2 people in cages, a small male halfling (new party member) and a female human child (the person they were sent to rescue). Also in the room is a Stew pot.
ER: Stew pot, you say?
DM: Yup, just a regular old stew pot.
ER: I wave to the stew pot.
DM: It's just a stew pot, Harry.
Gnomish Rogue: Its just a stew pot.
ER: I call out to the stew pot. Does it respond in any way.
DM: (just realizing the parallel between Eric and the Gazebo, I decide to play along) No, Harry. It's a stew pot.
GR: Its a stew pot.
Gmomish Sorcerer: Its a stew pot.
Human Druid: Its a stew pot, Harry.
ER: I pull out my bow and aim it at the stew pot. Does it respond?
DM: No, Harry. Its a stew pot. It can't respond.
GR: Its a stew pot.
GS and HD: Its a stew pot, Harry.
ER: I shoot an arrow at the stew pot. 15!
DM: (now quoting almost directly from eric and the gazebo and trying hard to fight back laughter) there is now a stew pot with an arrow sticking out of it.
ER: I drop my crossbow and take out my rapier. Does is respond?
DM, GS, HD, and GR: ITS A STEW POT, HARRY!!!!
ER: I charge the stew pot. Rolls 3 (which hits) and deals 2 damage.
DM: Thanks to the stew pot's hardness, it doesn't take any damage at all, and your weapon just clinks off of it.
ER: Hardness?
DM: Yes, Harry. Its a stew pot. For heaven's sake, you cook stew in it.
ER: Wait, I just attacked a stew pot?
DM: Yes, Harry. What did you think you were attacking.
ER: (with a completely straight face) I thought you were saying stewpod. I thought it was some kind of plant.
The funny part isn't that he attacked an inanimate object. The funny part isn't that both us and him had been pronouncing it properly throughout the entire conversasion. The funny part isn't that he accidentally played out eric and the gazebo (and believe me, I was tempted to end it with an awakened stew pot eating him). The funny part was that as his character ran to attack an inocuous stew pot, all four four of the highly dangerous hiding kobolds got to make attacks of opportunity. :D
During combat, the Blackguard cuts off the Paladin's sword hand.
Paladin: *yells in pain and backs off the cliff onto a small tree.*
Blackguard: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict.
P: I'll never join you! You killed Dennis! ((Another PC Paladin))
B: No. I am Dennis. *removes helmet to show he is Dennis.*
P: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible!
Blackguard Dennis: Uh... Look at me. I'm obviously Dennis.
P: No. NOOOOOOOO! *falls off tree and plummets to ground ((approx 300 ft.))*
A one-on-one fight between an enemy Blackguard and our PC Paladin. On top of a cliff...
During combat, the Blackguard cuts off the Paladin's sword hand.
Paladin: *yells in pain and backs off the cliff onto a small tree.*
Blackguard: There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you. You do not yet realize your importance. You've only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict.
P: I'll never join you! You killed Dennis! ((Another PC Paladin))
B: No. I am Dennis. *removes helmet to show he is Dennis.*
P: No. No. That's not true. That's impossible!
Blackguard Dennis: Uh... Look at me. I'm obviously Dennis.
P: No. NOOOOOOOO! *falls off tree and plummets to ground ((approx 300 ft.))*
Good one, Cpt_Crane. Even if it's clearly a redo of the Darth Vader, "No Luke, I am your father" scene. Even to the fall. I'm impressed it managed to work out that way.
And here's my latest scene. I'll keep it brief, because it's funny without set-up. The character is a gnome bard/sublime chord played more as a leprechaun.
"Oh when gnomish eyes are smiling
Say good-bye - your @r$e is toast.
For gnomish eyes are smiling
You know there'll soon be . . . a boom."
I cast fireball.
Campaign Debrief: Escorting Hurgal Part 2
What a game, what a game, what a game.
So last time, the players spent the night in the wyvern's cave. After some clairvoyance by Kip, the players learned that the cave was further inhabited by 25 more wyverns and that there was a dragon. A Young Adult Black Dragon to be exact. So discussing plans and sending Kendrew with Gil for explorations, the PCs learned about a smaller entrance into the cave system. It was only 15 ft wide, meaning that the wyverns could only get in one at a time. A plan was quickly concocted to use the entrance as a strongpoint and draw the wyverns in for the attack. After firing off some fireballs/iceballs on the wyverns, the players steaded themselves in the tunnel waiting for the wyverns. They came, got zapped by spells and arrows, came to close to the entrance where Nash placed an Evard's Black Tentacles. It grappled a few wyverns allowing for easy killing. Infact, most of the wyverns died pretty quick with very little damage being taken by the PCs.
After a few rounds, the dragon arrived and struck the party from behind, blasting away with its breath weapon. This had very little effect since the PCs had gotten a spell cast on them that gave them 20 points of damage resisted from Acid-They didn't take 20 points of acid damage. This worked very well since failing the reflex save did very little damage while saving meant no damage. The dragon killed a wyvern though with the breath weapon. Oh well.
After hacking on the dragon and bringing its hitpoints down, the PCs saw that the dragon got healed by somebody. The PCs found out as they heard Draz's mocking laughter. Two more hits on the dragon by Gil brought the fact that Draz had used 'Shield Other' on the dragon. At near death, the dragon fled followed closely behind by Lyara's raven familiar. Talon glitterdusted Draz and Nash popped a benign transposition/location dumping Gil with the dragon.
The last rounds of combat involved the arrival of Harlin, my group's assasin char(I know I said no evil chars but his backstory had him dumped with a helm of opposite alignment). Harlin attacked Draz, stabbing him. The other chars were attacking Draz and doing some damage. When Draz's turn came around he hit Harlin with his spiked chain, rolling a crit. It did alot of damage and the PCs learn that it was a +5 Unholy Humanbane Flaming Burst Shocking Burst spiked chain. (Don't ask) A second hit after a close wounds spell, knocked Harlin out. After downing Harlin, Draz closed in and laid the smack down on Gronz, Hurgal's half-orc barbarian bodyguard, dropping him to -5 hitpoints. A little after this, Gil dropped the dragon while Talon or Kip(Not sure which) used a close wounds on it putting it at -4 hitpoints meaning that it was still alive. Gil used his next turn to coup de grace the dragon, half of which Draz got to take since he was using shield other. With the dragon, the PCs concentrated their efforts on taking Draz down.
On his turn, Draz hit Lyara twice, killing her. At that Hurgal, who had been doing nothing, came up to her and used a cure critical wounds effectively nullifying most of Draz's damage on her so that she didn't die. Lyzanor, Hurgal's orc sorceror bodyguard threw a DM-given Dispel magic on Draz cutting out some of his fun stuff. A coupld of well placed arrows from Kendrew dropped Draz down and a magic missile from Alaster finally killed him. So the PCs got to celebrate, briefly, before asking their DM for exp. A comment from player Kathy involved the fact that it was a new experience to owe thanks to an orc/Half-orc for saving her life(Lyara) The whole orc thing was suprising since she, like most other players including me, experienced the 'orcs were just to be killed' aspect of the game. I stated that there would be Orcs to kill.
Now on to the XP rewards:
So the players defeated the 25 wyverns and each one was a CR 6. Okay.
The Young Adult Black Dragon was a CR 9. Okay.
Draz. Hmmm. Figuring out the XP reward for Draz resulted in the DM saying, "Its not even on here!" Thats right. XP for Draz was not on the charts. A few tidbits about Draz: +25 to hit, +10 damage one-handed, since death occurs at negative con score, they did 280 points of damage to him to kill him. He had 20 con and 260 hitpoints.
So Draz. Draz is a, (correction) was a red half-Dragon. His total CR: 18
NO. I am not kidding. There is no lie, that is infact his CR.
So After asking Adam about it, I determined the amount of XP Draz was worth was: 396,000
WHAT!!! Thats right DM, Draz is worth 396,000 XP. Not bad for 7 8th Level chars.
So after getting XP they got treasure, alot of it. Draz also carried an artifact the players needed for the campaign, the Orb of Life. Some of the dragon's treasure contained items decorated with symbols of Calimar which Talon took for his temple. There was a portrait of Talon 300 years old, a picture showing the heroes, and a elven genelogical chart indicating that Kendrew was a descendent of Dydd.
So for next time...Umm. Hmm. Let's see, the players will need to get some artifacts from the Red Hand of Doom so they will probably being doing that. Since Draz happened to be the 5th Talon, the 5 leaders of the Red Claw under Varyona, the Red Claw is likely to send somebody to deal with these troublemakers...
Oh I forgot, Gil decided to turn Draz's skull into a wine cup. Gil's player comment, "Can Draz get resurrected so we can kill him again? I want the full 12 set collection."
Player 1: "Okay, so we'll just go ahead and put the key in the lock here and. . ."
<< The casket opens, and a haggard man in sorcerer's robes emerges >>
Sorcerer: "YOU FOOL! Now that you have released me after a sleep of a hundred years, my evil plans shall be complete! Now I shall resurrect BANE and together, we shall rule the world!"
Player 2: "Ummmm. . . but Bane was resurrected."
Sorcerer: "WHAT? When did this happen?"
Player 1: "A couple years ago, I think?"
Player 2: "Sounds about right."
Sorcerer: "Motherf--ker!" << Walks off all depressed >>
WB: Hey, could you take a look at this? we think it is a wand...
Sorc: sure.
*studies it, looking closely at it, sniffing it. even tasting it, before handing it back*
you're right. it's a wand.
WB: yeah, but... what kind of wand is it?
Sorc: *studies it more, then looks at the warblade*
well, i could find out today, or tomorrow. Which would you prefer?
WB: I guess today, sooner is better than later, right?
Sorc: ok
*looks at the wand, then zaps the warblade with it*
It looks to be a wand of Enervation. It should wear off in a few hours.
A pair of examples (both pranks on the uptight elf paladin):
Boo!
I snuck into the paladin's tent, and manifested Detect Thoughts (actually, the psionic equivilent of it, but I can't remember the name). She turned out to be having a nightmare about a mindflayer or something similar.
I manifested Control Sound, turned purple, grew face tentacles, and woke Pally up. Everytime she screamed for help, it would sound like, "Please! Eat my brain! Consume my body!" =D
Back to the Present
I manifested Time Hop on the paladin, who failed her save. I got the rest of the party to go hide for a while, and I made it look like I had aged 50 years.
When she popped back in, I cried:
"Aleesha! It's been fifty years! Where were you? Your family's been worried sick!"
It was funny at the moment, and even more so when I took her home, and she tried to explain everything to her parents.
We once had a half-orc barbarian named Gortar. Anyways, Gortar once wrote a song about himself that went as follows:
(To the tune of the stonecutters song): Who makes the babies cry at night? Who makes the grownups die of fright? GORTAR! GORTAR!
(I can't remember the rest of the words.)
Our group was facing off with the BBEG.
Warblade: You reign of terror ends now!
BBEG: And how do you propose to stop me?
Fighter: *In perfect elmer fudd voice* I'll use my spear and magic helmet!
Finally, as anyone who knows me knows how I feel about bards (Target practice) anyway, in a previous campaign we used the bard as our arrow magnet, one day we had not had any encounters, we were heading down the hall with the bard in the front
Bard: *In waspinator voice* Wazzpinator having good day! Not get shot once!
DM:*Rolls* You trigger an arrow trap! :D you take 5 damage!
Bard:*Still in waspinator voice* DOY!
So, a new player showed up for a campaign yesterday (he was just a drop in) who designed a really fun senile sorcerer. Our party's warblade took a wand we had just found.
WB: Hey, could you take a look at this? we think it is a wand...
Sorc: sure.
*studies it, looking closely at it, sniffing it. even tasting it, before handing it back*
you're right. it's a wand.
WB: yeah, but... what kind of wand is it?
Sorc: *studies it more, then looks at the warblade*
well, i could find out today, or tomorrow. Which would you prefer?
WB: I guess today, sooner is better than later, right?
Sorc: ok
*looks at the wand, then zaps the warblade with it*
It looks to be a wand of Enervation. It should wear off in a few hours.
lol. I love it. And Tsukasa_Macleod, I love the bard/Waspinator one. It cracked me up. I love Waspinator. In fact, now I've got to play a warforged like him. Let's see . . . what captures him right? Clearly a bard works, but what about a spellthief? Now if only I could find a way to turn into a giant wasp . . .
So this copied from my campaign blog. Everything happened as it says.
"Brevity is the soul of wit." - W. Shakespeare
"Brevity is the soul of wit." - W. Shakespeare
Yeah, um... QFT, really. It was an interesting story, but where was the "best line"? I kept waiting for a really awesome joke after all that setup and it never materialized.
The strange part. When the player decided to open the wall, I had no poker face at all. There was no reason to look at the wall. It was just a wall behind a random tapestry. In fact, against what Tsukasa said, I didn't even call for a spot check!!!
Another funny thing that happened on the very same day was an eerily similar reinactment of eric and the gazebo.
Elven Ranger: What's in the room.
DM (Me): *rolls spot checks* you see 2 people in cages, a small male halfling (new party member) and a female human child (the person they were sent to rescue). Also in the room is a Stew pot.
ER: Stew pot, you say?
DM: Yup, just a regular old stew pot.
ER: I wave to the stew pot.
DM: It's just a stew pot, Harry.
Gnomish Rogue: Its just a stew pot.
ER: I call out to the stew pot. Does it respond in any way.
DM: (just realizing the parallel between Eric and the Gazebo, I decide to play along) No, Harry. It's a stew pot.
GR: Its a stew pot.
Gmomish Sorcerer: Its a stew pot.
Human Druid: Its a stew pot, Harry.
ER: I pull out my bow and aim it at the stew pot. Does it respond?
DM: No, Harry. Its a stew pot. It can't respond.
GR: Its a stew pot.
GS and HD: Its a stew pot, Harry.
ER: I shoot an arrow at the stew pot. 15!
DM: (now quoting almost directly from eric and the gazebo and trying hard to fight back laughter) there is now a stew pot with an arrow sticking out of it.
ER: I drop my crossbow and take out my rapier. Does is respond?
DM, GS, HD, and GR: ITS A STEW POT, HARRY!!!!
ER: I charge the stew pot. Rolls 3 (which hits) and deals 2 damage.
DM: Thanks to the stew pot's hardness, it doesn't take any damage at all, and your weapon just clinks off of it.
ER: Hardness?
DM: Yes, Harry. Its a stew pot. For heaven's sake, you cook stew in it.
ER: Wait, I just attacked a stew pot?
DM: Yes, Harry. What did you think you were attacking.
ER: (with a completely straight face) I thought you were saying stewpod. I thought it was some kind of plant.
The funny part isn't that he attacked an inanimate object. The funny part isn't that both us and him had been pronouncing it properly throughout the entire conversasion. The funny part isn't that he accidentally played out eric and the gazebo (and believe me, I was tempted to end it with an awakened stew pot eating him). The funny part was that as his ran to attack an inocuous stew pot, all four four of the highly dangecharacter rous hiding kobolds got to make attacks of opportunity. :D
Heh heh, sorry about the spot check. This story is completely true btw, we seriously did not make this up! Realms left out the OOC conversation though.
DM::D be honest, this was deliberate wasn't it.
ER: NO!! I swear it wasn't!
DM: Yeah, right.
ER: Seriously!!
DM: Uh huh.
Me: And Pedobear doesn't know the price of girl scout cookies!
Everyone:
They finally encounter the BBEG, who had just opened up a portal to some hellish plane behind him. Kerrick and Frinly hang back to do ranged attacks while the cleric and fighter close in for melee.
Talbrand gets blasted with a firestorm and is burned to a crisp halfway across the room.
Rantash gets blasted by several spells on his way to melee, and gets whacked hard in the jaw by the BBEG's staff.
Frinly gets knocked out by a barrage of magic missiles. Kerrick is critically wounded by several acid arrows.
BBEG: "I'm disappointed in you all, after all you did solve my labrynth!"
Rantash: "I will slay you, foul soceror, or I shall die trying!"
Kerrick: "Rantash, no!"
Rantash: "Kerrick, stick an arrow in his throat to keep him from casting spells."
Kerrick: "I have a better idea."
Rantash: "Pelor help us..."
Kerrick INTENDED to charge the BBEG, knocking him into the portal, and sacrificing himself so that Rantash could close the portal and rescue the rest of the party. However, Kerrick critically fumbled his tackle, which resulted in him tackling Rantash through the portal.
Frinly, in a half-conscious, frustrated mumble, shouted after them "I told ya... never trust Kerrick!"
However, Kerrick, who was laying in a crumpled heap next to Rantash in what amounted to the Ninth Level of Hell, said, "Gee Rantash. Frinly says to never trust a carrot. I wonder why he'd say that?"
(We all loved to RP, including voice acting, so the player for Kerrick actually thought that's what Frinly said, when he mumbled it.)
**********
And another night, I was DMing, and it was the wee hours in the morning after a marathon session and my brain was pretty much sitting in a soup of fritos and pepsi.
Me (DM): You finally bash down the door, and the hallway opens up into a a cavernous cavern.
Player: You mean to tell me that his cavern is actually... CAVERNOUS?!
Other players: GASP!
Me: ....yeah. Duh. What else is a cavern going to be?
Player: ...ok I think we should call it a night. Because I'm sure after the Cavernous Cavern we're going to explore the Towering Tower and the Roomy Room.
Me: Wha?
DM OOC: "Yeah, seeing as how this is supposed to be a dark fantasy/horror game, I tried really hard to make sure that none of my place names or gods had names that could be taken in a funny manner."
Me OOC: "Of course. It's like how nothing ruins the immersion of a gritty modern day action game like finding out your characters are members of the Counterterrorist United Nations Taskforce."
DM OOC: "What?"
Me OOC: "It's an acronym."
Player 2 overhearing the conversation puts 2 and 2 together and suddenly spews his cola across the table with laughter.
I love Waspinator. In fact, now I've got to play a warforged like him. Let's see . . . what captures him right? Clearly a bard works, but what about a spellthief? Now if only I could find a way to turn into a giant wasp . . .
Maybe some kind of lycanthrope? I've heard lycanthrope warforged turn into metal animals.
Maybe combine the living construct traits with this for the wasp mode:
Drone
Another newly-encountered Covenant specie, Drones are insectile creatures, capable of flight.
Drone Racial Traits and Features
· +2 Dex, -2 Con, -2 Int.. Drones are agile and fragile, and they have little mental capacity (except for maneuvering in battle, noted below).
· Medium-size. Drones are Medium-sized Aberrations and suffer no special bonuses or penalties due to their size.
· Speed 30 ft.
· Flying Speed 50 (good). Drones are capable of flight in space (and use the said speed).
· Damage Reduction. Drones have strong chitins and have DR 2/-.
· Tactical Cunning. While Drones are low of intelligence, they still possess surprising use of tactics and coordination. They are allowed to use their Wisdom as the key attribute for the Knowledge (war) instead of Intelligence and for directing troops in battle instead of Charisma.
· Space Adaptation. Drones automatically (and permanently) gain the benefits of the Zero-Gee Training feat, even though they need not have it or the prerequisites.
· Breathless. Drones do not breathe and therefore can survive in areas without atmosphere.
· Level Adjustment +1.
Drone
Another newly-encountered Covenant specie, Drones are insectile creatures, capable of flight.
Drone Racial Traits and Features
· +2 Dex, -2 Con, -2 Int.. Drones are agile and fragile, and they have little mental capacity (except for maneuvering in battle, noted below).
· Medium-size. Drones are Medium-sized Aberrations and suffer no special bonuses or penalties due to their size.
· Speed 30 ft.
· Flying Speed 50 (good). Drones are capable of flight in space (and use the said speed).
· Damage Reduction. Drones have strong chitins and have DR 2/-.
· Tactical Cunning. While Drones are low of intelligence, they still possess surprising use of tactics and coordination. They are allowed to use their Wisdom as the key attribute for the Knowledge (war) instead of Intelligence and for directing troops in battle instead of Charisma.
· Space Adaptation. Drones automatically (and permanently) gain the benefits of the Zero-Gee Training feat, even though they need not have it or the prerequisites.
· Breathless. Drones do not breathe and therefore can survive in areas without atmosphere.
· Level Adjustment +1.
Now for mild amusement.
A darkrunner responding to the BBEG's question while being interrogated: "Go make out with a mind flayer."
Not horribly good but at least I did not come empty handed.
me: "well, lets be off my elf friend, we have things to do."
drow: "i'm not an elf, i'm a drow, we're better than elves."
me: "you know, humans have black people too, and theyre nothing special."
DM: Standing before you at the gate is a blackguard, scowling.
Veteran players: Finally! We attack!
New player, timidly: "...are... are you guys racist...? I mean... we never attack the WHITE guards..."
DM: Barbarian, listen check please.
Barbarian: *rolls high enough*
DM: Nice work! Your ears detect odd ticking and whirring sounds from the walls, ceiling, and floor.
Barbarian: Aha! Guys, we're about to go through an extremely complex trap -- seems like some sort of clockwork is in the walls. But don't worry, I have reflexes of STEEL!
Rogue, bitterly frustrated: Well that's not good you stupid oaf. What are you trying to tell us?
Barbarian, not yet realizing the slip: I'm trying to tell you my reflexes are amazing and you shouldn't worry about this trap.
Rogue: Well, either you have the reflexes of a cat, or you have nerves of steel. You mixed cliche's. You can't have reflexes of steel, because steel is a metal, and can't --
Barbarian: "I reach back and slap him across the mouth with the flat of my STEEL axe."
DM: *rolls, rolls, rolls* Well, you did enough subdual damage to knock the rogue unconscious.
Barbarian: For the last time. Reflexes of steel.
Digg: A wise goblin once told me, "Confident, cocky, lazy, dead."
Dread/Mordred/More Dread.
Tad Williams Shadowland.
Dread/Mordred/More Dread.
Tad Williams Shadowland.
Yep. :D Dread's probably one of my favorite characters in that series.
Have a
DM: Well, there's two ferries, actually. One's called the Paradise- it's a riverboat casino, and it's leaving in two days. The other one, which is much cheaper, is called the Hindentanic-
Everyone: (laughing)
DM: -and that's leaving in a month.
Gnome Giant Slayer: Is the hull made of thermite?
DM: Yeah. The hull's lined with thermite.
Me: Is there a hole in the hull?
DM: Well, it's undergoing "massive repairs," ever since its sister ship, the Tiberg- sank last month while it was burning.
Gnome Giant Slayer: Wait, what?
DM: It's well-known for sinking to the bottom of the river while it was still on fire.
Gnome: Whatever, I'm still taking the Hindentanic.
DM: It's leaving in a month, Pat. I'd thought you'd want to save your sister faster?
Gnome: Man, I didn't even know I had a sister until last session!
DM: And another advantage the Paradise has is that, unlike the Hindentanic it doesn't have to be pulled by mules downriver- it's got a magic paddle.
king not present
Friend- the king is a cat (not what he said but figure it out)
queen- do you know who i am.....
Friend- ya.... a fine looking lady
(king walkes up with him still ranting on about the king)
King- do you have something against me?
Friend- ya.... you herd me... (walks up and kisses the queen) what now
King- (walks up and kisses his sister)
Friend- well thats my sister and that has no affect on me....
King- well that wasnt a fair trade was it..
Friend- It was for me ;)
(all lvl 9)
Me: Musashi, human warblade.
"Zharah": Yumei, human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, human draconic template sorcerer
"Seth": Rand, elf thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, gnome bard.
As his name suggests, Waspinator is fodder for whatever we encounter. Don't worry we revive or heal him every time.
Situation: we were fighting a giant.
Yumei: I throw waspinator at it!!
DM
umm, okayyy. Make grapple checks.(Naturally Yumei succeeds)
DM: You throw Waspinator at the giant.
*Rolls* Hitting him and dealing... 19 damage! It falls over!!
Waspinator: DOY!!
Later... We were at sea, locked in a naval battle. After a while we ran out of cannonballs.
Mystina: What'll we do?
Sarevok: Maybe we could launch some Alchemists fire or something
Musashi: Yeah
or something... Waspinator: *Waspinator voice* uh oh......
Musashi stuffed Waspinator in the cannon and then fired him at the enemy ship!
Waspinator:*As he flies through the air* Not agaiiin!!
DM: Wapinator crashes into the side of the ship, creating a gnome shaped hole in the side.
Everyone:
Later.. we were in a cave, with a hole so deep we could not see the bottom. We had to jump down in order to continue.
Musashi: Maybe there's water at the bottom.
Rand: Let's find out! *Pushes Waspinator down*
Waspinator: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
DM: the scream stops as you hear a loud splat.
Rand: Nope!:D
Yesterday, when given a choice of ferries to take down river:
DM: Well, there's two ferries, actually. One's called the Paradise- it's a riverboat casino, and it's leaving in two days. The other one, which is much cheaper, is called the Hindentanic-
Hehehehehehe.
In one of my games, the group had the choice between the slow ship and a pirate cutter full of "Faaaaaaabulous" pirates who wore far too many frills in much too bright colors.
One of them told my dwarf, "Honey, you should SEE what my friends can do with that beard..."
Imagine my horror when the rest of the group insisted on the fast ship...
Rasjak: Barbarian (me)
Long story short, after butchering a Mimic posing as a chest, Phaedrus gets to goof around with potions, an immovable rod, and some other random magic nonsense.
As this is going on, Rasjak is getting restless and slightly jealous at the fun the Druid seems to be having with the new trinkets. Then he remembers he still has a vial of mysterious black goo he found the session before. However, the party failed to properly identify it, and forgot about the vial altogether.
Rasjak: Hey, why should he get all the fun? I still have that black stuff in my pack from last time!
DM: Yeah, so?
Rasjak: Not one to be denied a good time, I coat my greatsword in the stuff! Let's see what it does!
DM: Uh...
Rasjak:
DM: So yeah, all turns dark as night as Rasjak's sword starts spewing forth thick black smoke, courtesy of the oil of darkness he just smeared on the blade.
Rasjak: Oh f-
Rest of the party: Waah!! *stumble around*
Phaedrus: I'm blindly feeling my way over towards Rasjak so I can smack him in the head.
My third time playing at my local gaming store, we were running a Living Greyhawk module. I won't go into details. Anyway, while out wandering the town, we are stopped by an NPC messenger.
He tells us that in exchange for leaving the city (selling out the other NPC we were supposed to be helping) he'd give each of us a lot of gold. Like, enough for a +1 weapon of whatever type we wanted. Understand, we were all roughly level 2 to 3 adventurers, that would be a really nice bonus. He even showed us that he had the money with him.
The paladin (a friggen Steve, if you catch my meaning. :nonono
tell us that we can't take the deal because it'll pobably have alignment shifts involved (and he'd lose his precious powers). The player of the dwarven ranger then says that since the messenger already showed us that he has the money, and is clearly an evil aligned creature, we could probably get away with killing him. The paladin starts *****ing about that, of course, and the other players all jump into the argument with them. Meanwhile, our dm (who hadn't run this particular module before) starts reading through the messenger's stat block. That when we all hear him mutter:DM: Huh. He's got a listed fly-speed. Neat.
Everybody: :OMG!
Me: I very politely refuse the offer, and hasten my companions down the road.
We had a pretty amusing event my second time as well. Our party sorcerer managed get himself bit four times by a spider with dex-draining venom (no idea what it was). His dex was effectively null. So our dm ruled that he was unable to move and of his limbs. Me, the party cleric, didn't have any ability sscore restoring spells availible, and none of us has potions of the appropriate type either. So we started debating what we were going to do with him as we explored a cave system.
Dwarven Ranger(DR): One of us could carry him, maybe.
Me: We could build a sled and drag him. I've got five days worth of firewood and 100' of rope!
DR: We could just tie the rope to him and throw him down the corridor! If nothing happens it's safe and we reel him in! If he sets off a trap, we can pull him back before he gets killed, and you can heal him back up.
Sorcerer(S):
Me: Wait! We'll tie him to your riding dog! That way the dog can keep him out of danger, and if all else fails enemies will probably attack him instead of your animal companion. It's win-win! :D
The DM, horrified, ruled that one of us magicaly had what he needed to get his dex back, and we had given it to him. To bad really, I wanted to tie the quadraplegic to the ranger's animal companion.
Sorcerer(S):
That one made my day! Thank you sir, or madam, as the case may be. ;)
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/3 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 9 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
for those of you who read my last post, we had another waspinator moment today.
Situation: we are in a cavern, with a long corridor, we decide to check for traps the easy way. We throw waspinator down. At first everything seems alright.....
Waspinator: NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME! IT'S ALL CLEAR!! FOR THE FIRST TIME NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!!!!!!
The DM rolls.
DM: Your shouting causes a cave in. Rocks fall from the ceiling. Make a reflex save.
Waspinator: *Rolls* 3
DM: A large rock falls on you. *Rolls* 22 damage!
Musashi Thats what you get for daring the universe!
Situation: we are in a cavern, with a long corridor, we decide to check for traps the easy way. We throw waspinator down. At first everything seems alright.....
Waspinator: NOTHING HAPPENED TO ME! IT'S ALL CLEAR!! FOR THE FIRST TIME NOTHING BAD HAPPENED!!!!!!
The DM rolls.
DM: Your shouting causes a cave in. Rocks fall from the ceiling. Make a reflex save.
Waspinator: *Rolls* 3
DM: A large rock falls on you. *Rolls* 22 damage!
Musashi Thats what you get for daring the universe!
Rocks fall, Waspinator dies
Half-Elf "legolandas" is the first character killed, having retreated to the Barbican once the Siege Engines opened up. A Heavy Trebuchet hit the Barbican, smashed through the wall, and smeared him across the floor.
His last words were "It's safer here than on the wall."
Rocks fall, Waspinator dies
Actually he survived, barely. The DM has more fun hurting waspinator than killing him.
I had a dream last night. The guys that are going to be in my gaming group this summer were at my apartment playing D&D, one guy got up to go into the living room for a minute, tripped, and spilled his soda all over the carpet. He turned back to me and starting appologising. I then say to him, and I quote:
Me: It's okay. This is all a dream sequence, by the time it's over none of this will have happened.
I metagame my own dreams.
Of course, this isn't entirely surprising to me. I haven't had a nightmare in years. If I've got some unseen horror chasing me, my brain eventually realizes that it's asleep, an I either wake up or I conjure up a .50 cal machine gun and start chasing the horror back. :D
Actually he survived, barely. The DM has more fun hurting waspinator than killing him.
And so life continues to imitate the animated series... why in the nine hells did he pick Waspinator as his name? That's almost as bad as Kenny.
The other day, I dreamed a mummy was chasing me. I figured out I was dreaming, so I just Fireballed it!
I have lucid dreams all the time. They're fun.
The other day, I dreamed a mummy was chasing me. I figured out I was dreaming, so I just Fireballed it!
I once had a dream that lasted, vividly, day to day with no "skipping ahead" for 23 years when I was 16. I was 39 in my dream when I realized I was dreaming, and then started lucid dreaming, and informed everyone I knew that they were just part of my dream, and showed them how I could manipulate "reality" and eventually, with some of them tearfully trying to stop me and other sort of accepting it and other just FLIPPING OUT, I told them I was going to wake up and they wouldn't exist, especially those of them who I met after I began to sleep in real life. I woke up from that and passed out from exhaustion for a day, and my mom wanted to get me to a doctor. She managed to wake me up when I didn't wake up for school, and I deleriously told her what was going on, sort of, and she thought I had a fever. I was fine, I was just EXHAUSTED.
I have lucid dreams all the time. They're fun.
just reading that part made me realise how dirty "lucid dreams" sounds
I once had a dream that lasted, vividly, day to day with no "skipping ahead" for 23 years when I was 16.
Did you learn to play the Ressikan Flute while you were there?
Did you learn to play the Ressikan Flute while you were there?
hahahahaha, I remember that episode.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
This isn't a waspinator moment, but it was too funny to pass up. We have passed through the caves and into an enemy city. We cannot enter without a deed that proves our citizenship (Which we do not have)We met the gatekeepers and this conversation erupted.
Gatekeeper:Let's see your deed folks.
Rand: We don't have it right now. But I assure you, we're citizens.
GK: Then where's your deed?
Rand: It's uhhh... It's in my other pants!! *Rolls a 31 on his bluff check*.
GK:*Rolls a 6 on sense motive*. Okay, welcome home everyone!
Everyone::OMG!
Frodlin: Stupid Elf, you hit me with an arrow again and there is going to be trouble.
Silique: Dunno what your talking about, you mean me? I didn't hit you with no arrow.
Frodlin: Yes you did, firing helter skelter when I was in melee with the critter, you probably did it on purpose.
Silique: I most certainly did nothing of the sort, I don't even own a bow.
Frodlin: You don't own a bow!?!?!?! You stupid Elf wench, what's that there in your hands then???
Silique: A fishing rod, I like to fish.
Frodlin: .........
Silique: Would you like a fish?
Frodlin: .......
At this point the Dwarf walks up to Silique and kicks her
Silique: Hey, what was that for? That hurt!
Froldin: What I didn't do anything.
Silique: Yes you did, you just kicked me.
Frodlin: What are you talking about? I dodn't even have feet, how could I kick you?
Silique: Well that would explain why you are so short.
Fight insues
Me: You enter a room with a small wooden barricade and some orcs and goblins. Roll initiative!
Players:*begin fighting*
Sorcerer: *rolled high initiative* I cast Burning Hands on the barricade. *rolls damage*
Me: You also hit and kill two goblins. As for the barricade? Well, it isss onnn fiiiiiiiiiiiyaaaaaaare!
This has become a quote we use during real life as well as in-game.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
We got caught, and we are in jail, and awaiting execution. Not surprisingly, this is Waspinator's fault.
We approached the king of this land, with his 17 year old daughter. Anyway, it was her birthday, and we were offering her presents, in an attempt to infiltrate her party and take the war-plans of her father. The rest of the party had given her jewelry and various clothing. Waspinator however, had nothing fancy, so he gave her the only thing that he could spare. A turnip.
Princess: Aww thank you. *Takes a bite*
DM: *Rolls d100* 100!
Everyone:
DM: :D She's allergic to Turnips! *Rolls again* Fatally!
Everyone:
The characters:
Myrrdyn, LN Half-Fiend Drow Wizard 5//Rogue 5 (played by me)
Dorona, LG Half-Gold Dragon Woodling Human Paladin 5//Cleric (Good and Sun domains) 5
Jareve, CN Half-Celestial High Elf Ranger 5//Druid 5
Legolas (insert groan here), CN Half-Celestial High Elf Barbarian 5//Ranger 5
During the last session, I was the DM. Myrrdyn, who used to be the advisor of a local nobleman, was travelling with Jareve to track down Legolas, who had killed an innocent man by chopping him in half (Jareve killed another man with his flaming arrows during this encounter, too, but he Bluffed his way out of it). He was currently being tended to by Dorona in his hut in the mountains after a Dire Lion attacked him. Jareve had already met Dorona and Legolas before.
Me: Okay, so Jareve walks into the hut where Dorona and Legolas are eating dinner.
Jareve: Hello guys. I just wanted to warn you. That crazy nutjob of an advisor is here, and out to kill you!
Legolas: Oh no! We must go and slay him immediately!
Dorona: Wait, what? What is going on? Noone is going to be slain here!
Legolas: Awww...
Me: Okay, whilst you are conversing, Myrrdyn sneaks into the bedroom and goes to the door to Listen in on you.
Jareve: But he's DANGEROUS! I saw him cast spells! And he's EEEVIIILLL!!!
Legolas: Yes! He shot rockets at me! MAGIC ROCKETS!
Jareve (OOC): Wait, what? Magic rockets? Rockets don't even exist in this world.
Dorona: Yeah, wasn't it something else.
Me: Magic Missile. It is called Magic Missile.
Legolas: Oh, right.
Me: So Myrrdyn puts his hand on the doorknob, takes out his thunderstone in the other and casts Darkness on it. What do you guys do?
Jareve: Well, not much, I guess...
Me: Well then, he quickly opens the door and throws in the Thunderstone. Make Fortitude saves.
Jareve: Woohoo! Mine rocks!
Dorona: So does mine.
Legolas: And mine! Well, a little.
*rolling ensues*
Jareve: ...deafened.
Dorona: ...deafened.
Legolas: ...woohoo! Not deafened!
Jareve: *glare*
Me: Alright then, surprise round is over, I guess. Initiative, I guess.
*rolling ensues*
Me: Alright then. Myrrdyn casts Fireball. *secret rolls to determine chances of hitting what* It hits the opposing wall. *looks at Fireball's information* Crap! That means everyone gets hit, including me!
Jareve: Haha! You got owned!
Me: Oh well, make Reflex saves.
Jareve: BOOYAKA! My best!
*rolling ensues*
Jareve: ...
Me: ...
Legolas: Wow, you two have the best Reflex saves of all, and you both failed.
Me: My save DCs are too high for my own good thanks to my 30 points of Intelligence.
Dorona: Well, I guess everyone takes the rolled amount of damage then.
Jareve: Right.
*rolling ensues*
Jareve: ...
Legolas: Wow.
Me: 5d6s. 27 points of damage. Wow.
Dorona: Ouch.
Me: What are you ouching for? YOU're immune to fire!
Dorona: Oh! Right! Ha-HA!
Me: Well then, first, all of you feel an unnatural darkness come over you, making you all effectively blind, and it's accompanied by a thundering noise, which eliminates the sense of hearing for the two of you. Then, you (Legolas) hear a roaring explosion and a feeling of heat comes over you all, and the sound of a wall being blown apart reaches Legolas' pointy ears. Jareve tries his best to escape the source of the heat, but to no avail. Dorona merely remains sitting, overcome by surprise, but he is unaffected by the flames.
Dorona: I'm immune to fire.
Jareve: We KNOW.
Dorona: Hehehe.
Me: Well then, that's that. You're up Jareve. Whatcha gonna do?...
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
BTW, only one of our characters isn't named after someone. A
to the first person who says who. An extra to whomever can identify what the rest of the characters are named after.Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
BTW, only one of our characters isn't named after someone. A
is it Yumei?
Rand is named after Rand Al Thor
Musashi is name after the author of the five rings
Serevok is name after the 'boss' of the balders gate game
Mystina is name after the Fr god of magic
And Waspinator is named after and inceticon
The party gets nailed. All but me, the Druid, providing aerial support on a Dire Bat. The cleric, still standing, drags the rogue away to cover while the fighter is dragged away, hanigng from the saddle.
Thinking myself clever, I fly lower and Produce flame. It doesn't take kindly to being burnt.
DM: "Hmmm.... the bat is only 10 foot up?"
Me: "Yeah."
DM: "The boar leaps up and..." *makes a couple of rolls* 2does 18 damage to the bat."
Me: "Who is 10 foot up?"
DM: "Hey, I gave it -4 circumstance penalty. But there's no rule saying 5 foot reach is horizontal."
Still, I flamed its ass :D
Still, I flamed its ass :D
Perhaps you should have flamed something more delicate
is it Yumei?
Rand is named after Rand Al Thor
Musashi is name after the author of the five rings
Serevok is name after the 'boss' of the balders gate game
Mystina is name after the Fr god of magic
And Waspinator is named after and inceticon
correct. Here's your
but no, Yue Ryong is right, you are thinking of Mystra. So only one cookie.correct. Here's your
Mystina is a Valkyrie Profile character.
Our party was in Waterdeep on an investigation, and the city is abuzz with the news of an upcoming combat tournament.
Cleric: Do you think we should enter?
Beguiler: We're PCs, and we heard about a tournament. Of course we're going to enter.
We are in a pub when the bar maid walks up giving us a fresh pitcher of ale.
Me: "Detect Evil"
DM: "Again?"
Me: Yes
DM: No the ale isnt evil
Danny the orc barbarian: D##n i bet evil ale taste great.
Mystina is a Valkyrie Profile character.
be honest, you caught my previous post didn't you? ahhh you still get a
Legolas (insert groan here), CN Half-Celestial High Elf Barbarian 5//Ranger 5
Now I'm so going to have to play a ghoul named Legolas *Groan*. Not Legolas, but Legolas *Groan*.
Duergar guard: What do you want here?
PC: Och we are investigating this abandoned dwarven stronghold.
DG: Go away, or trouble will ensue
PC: No, as I told you we are investigating this stronghold.
DG: This is the last warning, if don't go to where you came from, we will have to kill you.
PC: Well technically we come from here, because My Grandfathers uncle was married to the sister of the grandson of a former inhabitant of this stronghold, and as all of my party are the members of the same family, by telling us to "go where we came from" you thereby ask us to proceed so we have to enter your area...:D
unfortunately the DM decides to have the Duergar attack us...
Now I'm so going to have to play a ghoul named Legolas *Groan*. Not Legolas, but Legolas *Groan*.
At first I thought you were going to name a ghoul Legolas as in Leg'o'lass... :D
Kor
Anyway, as MegaCorp, I called a press conference in light of the damage done to the street. However, it didn't go quite as I had planned...
Me: Welcome to the Press Conference. Are we all here? OK, let's get started! First of all, MegaCorp, as always, is dedicated ---
NPC1: What are you going to tell us about the attack on your building?
Me: Attack on our building? I'm not sure what you are talking about?
NPC1: The massive explosion that took place here a short while ago?
Me: There was no explosion.
NPC2: Yeah? What about that massive hole in the side of your building where the ... 14th floor was?
Me: The 14th floor does not exist.
...
NPC2: The ... what? How can you say that? I'm looking at it!
Me: The 14th floor does not exist. There is no hole there.
NPC1: Well, what about all of this debris in the road then?
NPC2: Yeah, all of these cars that were damaged. What happened there?
Me: Well, you will notice that the cars made by MegaCorp suffered no damage at all (and I added in a quick, sales-pitch tone) *and they can be yours for $1,000,000 each!*
We had to stop the session there as the end of the press conference but it was interesting. I had planned this whole long speech and they (I called them NPCs but they were being played by the other two players) had side-tracked me from the beginning. I really had adlibbed the entire thing and did a poor job of it.
Well, up til the end .. I got bonus XP for my PC character for adding the sales-pitch.
Me: You peer into the gaunt orifice of the stone face, you can't see anything inside, it's pitch black
Drow: Darkvision? (I always forget that part, so he reminds me occasionally)
Me: Still pitch black
Drow: Alright, I turn into a Tiny spider and crawl inside to take a look
Me: "Are you sure you want to do that?"
Drow: Yes
Me: Wait, seriously? In a Gygaxian adventure?
Drow: Yes!
Me: Alright, a tiny spider is nuffed from the world as it crawls into a Sphere of Annihilation
Drow: Oh...
Me: Yeah, we're never gonna get stuff like this again :D
Drow: It's all back-issue now
And when he had gotten into troubble and a lynching mob was chasing him, the druid had summoned a crocodile that killed some civillians (and the crowd thought the psyker was behind).
Anyway, the group splits for a while, he goes up to the temple to confess and get forgiveness at which point the local fanatic throws him into torture to make him confess his crimes, even the ones he honestly didnt commit (think like they did in the inquisition and to witches). Eventually he confesses and is brought up to be "purified" publicly. Now to the point, they hadnt figured he was a psyker, so hadnt tried to block any powers besides speech and somatic. He managed to direct the fires of his own pyre against the crowd (killing a number of them in the process) and then blink away and make good his escape, meeting up with the others who were preparing to enter the undead infested area. The psyker not telling anyone anything of what happened, and the druid made off before knowing his summon had produced casualties.
They decide to rest in an inn that is about to be evacuated, so they are the only ones there that night, the next morning when they wake up, the inn has been barricated off, and the booming voice of the towns guard commander reads aloud that him and his allies are sentenced to death for heresy and the murder of the townspeople. At the end of which the guards promtly light the entire barricaded inn on fire.
At this point the character turned to the confused party and went:
"guys, there is something i need to tell you..."
1/2 Orc: Screw Gold. We want your daughter.
Paladin: No we dont! Excuse me sir for his rude.....
Town Mayor: No its fine, you can have her too.
Paladin: What kind of town is this?
1/2 Orc: My kind of town! Money and Broads!
Town Mayor: I need you assistance I can pay you 10000 gold today and 5000 when you are finished.
1/2 Orc: Screw Gold. We want your daughter.
Paladin: No we dont! Excuse me sir for his rude.....
Town Mayor: No its fine, you can have her too.
Paladin: What kind of town is this?
1/2 Orc: My kind of town! Money and Broads!
Typo with the money amount, I hope .... Also, I like the way the half-orc thinks! I wish I actually had witty things that got said around me
Edit: Oh, gods, and that's a new page right here too! :whimper:
The Party ("The Flaming Swords"):
Klugbart ("Wisebeard"), Dwarven Artificer with 8 CHA
Knut, Human Paladin of Tyr
Agator, Human Wizard
Lyra, Elven Druid
"Bob", Antagonist with a knack for cheesy codenames and clothing
The group finds itself in a burnt-down village at night. The animals of the forest surrounding the few houses and fields apparently turned undead. They find a hatch in the ruins and go down to investigate, finding a prison-like room with, amongst other stuff, a scrap of paper in it.
Klugbart: Why would somebody write a letter down here?
Knut: Because there was a fire above?
The Paladin tells Klugbart and Agator about a previous adventure of the group:
Knut: ... and we took the castle with only five men!
Klugbart: Yeah, I built a castle like that once on the beach.
Knut: And we met Bob there for the first time.
Agator: Who's Bob?
Klugbart: Bob the Builder of course, dammit.
In the forest they get attacked by three birds (two crows and a robin, the latter one made a nose dive onto the dwarves helmet and was knocked out :>)
Lyra (Druid): I step on the undead bird.
Agator: Are you wearing shoes at all?
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcererB (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10)
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
We escaped! Though our escapade was less than noble, or heroic, or epic. Once again "It's almost as if we knew what we were doing".
We were in the jail cell. When this occured.
Musashi: How the hell will we get out?
Waspinator: Fear not! For I have a cunning plan!
Everyone:
Waspinator: You see, when you cut a chickens head off, it runs around for a few minutes. So, I propose when they cut our heads off, we make a break for it!
At this point, we pelted "Ben" with snacks and dice.
(A
to the first person to get the reference.)Anyway, as they led us to the chopping block, we each devised a way to escape, Musashi and Yumei broke through the ropes, Sarevok clawed through, Rand escaped as we were being led and stole a dagger from the guards and used it to cut the others free. We ran back into the Barracks with the guards at our heels, and bolted the door shut. After a while we found the room with our weapons, but the door was locked. Eventually Yumei thought up the perfect solution.
Yumei: Waspinator! Help us with the door!
Waspinator: How do I do that?
Yumei: Use your head idiot!
We then picked up waspinator and used him, as a battering ram!
After Breaking through:
Waspinator: Ohhh waspinator has a headache in his whole body!
We were in the jail cell. When this occured.
Musashi: How the hell will we get out?
Waspinator: Fear not! For I have a cunning plan!
Everyone:
Waspinator: You see, when you cut a chickens head off, it runs around for a few minutes. So, I propose when they cut our heads off, we make a break for it!
At this point, we pelted "Ben" with snacks and dice.
(A
Blackadder?
but I just remembered this one... I don't know if anyone played Vampire The Masquerade but i used to on and off beofre my book were sold when i was away (yea that sucked!!!).
Anyways so we're all in cars driving through a heavily forested area... heavy forests = werewolves...
so a werewolf each umps onto the hood of 2 cars that diff. pc's are driving.
I tell em to make a drive check (they were attempting some fancy manuever to get the werewolves off their cards).
Player 1: I rolled a 10 (think: nat. 20) so he pulls this slick action flick move and whips the car into a 360 @ like 120 mph, throwing the wolf off and driving down the road unharmed except for some minor body car dmg.
Player 2: I rolled a 1 (epic epic EPIC failure!!!), his car... travelling also about 120 mph... flips, rolls, skids off the road into a bunch of trees... also cars were loaded down with all our guns/ammo/extra gasoline... the car exploded.. destroying everything in it (including the player)... He just looks totally shocked and looks at the rest of the group n goes 'well... I killed the werewolf'
ok that was way longer than I thought, and not even DnD related but here is a DnD one i just remembered.
.....
the pc's were fighting some kind of giant (i don't remember which.. fire maybe?) Anyways we had a wizard w/us who specialized in summoning monsters.
I was rolling VERY well for the giant.
here's the mage (after throwing numerous summoned monsters at it, and the giant getting closer each turn) "Oh god, stop it stop it somebody please stop it!"
Player 2: I rolled a 1 (epic epic EPIC failure!!!), his car... travelling also about 120 mph... flips, rolls, skids off the road into a bunch of trees... also cars were loaded down with all our guns/ammo/extra gasoline... the car exploded.. destroying everything in it (including the player)... He just looks totally shocked and looks at the rest of the group n goes 'well... I killed the werewolf'
I admit I don't really know the WoD system, but... isn't character death kind of a harsh penalty for a botch? (I'm assuming, here, that even a vampire can't survive being at the heart of a massive fuel-air bomb, since fire is one of the few things that really hurts them -- If I'm mistaken, let me know.)
I didn't go into huge detail cuz I didn't wanna bog down a dnd msg board w/mechanics from another game.
Anyways, it was like a botch of horrible proportions.
quick explanation is you get a dice pool (i think this guy had like... a dice pool of 7 d10's or something). so ok the move is assigned a difficulty, avg. is about 6. you roll one dice for each dice in the pool, (so 7 d10's), each 6+ is a success, a 10 being a perfect success. a 1 being a failed roll, a botch. as long as your success's outweigh your failures you perform the action.
he failed all his rolls and got i think 3 or 4 1's rolled.
so in that case the epic failure of his driving skill was agreed upon (even by the player lol) as not too harsh. he just kinda was like 'well... im dead aren't i?'
sorry i couldn't think of anymore dnd related ones :P
Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcererB (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10)
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
We escaped! Though our escapade was less than noble, or heroic, or epic. Once again "It's almost as if we knew what we were doing".
We were in the jail cell. When this occured.
Musashi: How the hell will we get out?
Waspinator: Fear not! For I have a cunning plan!
Everyone:
Waspinator: You see, when you cut a chickens head off, it runs around for a few minutes. So, I propose when they cut our heads off, we make a break for it!
At this point, we pelted "Ben" with snacks and dice.
(A
Anyway, as they led us to the chopping block, we each devised a way to escape, Musashi and Yumei broke through the ropes, Sarevok clawed through, Rand escaped as we were being led and stole a dagger from the guards and used it to cut the others free. We ran back into the Barracks with the guards at our heels, and bolted the door shut. After a while we found the room with our weapons, but the door was locked. Eventually Yumei thought up the perfect solution.
Yumei: Waspinator! Help us with the door!
Waspinator: How do I do that?
Yumei: Use your head idiot!
We then picked up waspinator and used him, as a battering ram!
After Breaking through:
Waspinator: Ohhh waspinator has a headache in his whole body!
As Lyinginbedmon has pointed out, that does indeed come from Blackadder. Specifically, Season 3, Episode 3 (the Scarlet Pimpernel episode).
Blackadder?
yup, here's your
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk.
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcererB (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10)
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 thief/swordsage
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard.
Musashi cracked a few amusing one-liners During our battle with the guards.
(As the Guards approach us) "It's time to chew sushi and kick a$$! And I'm all outta Sushi!
(Just Before Charging) "Blood for Bishamonten!"
Afterwards, we were trying to figure out what to do next.
Rand: Okay, since infiltration fell through, I guess it's plan B.
Mystina: Throw Waspinator at them and run?
Rand: Sorry Plan C.
Sarevok: Load Waspinator with explosives then throw him at the enemy and run?
Rand: Plan D?
Sarevok: Operation Waspinator cannon?
Rand: FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! DON'T WE HAVE ANY PLANS THAT DON'T INVOLVE ABUSING WASPINATOR???????!!!!!!!!
Everyone but rand: uhhhhhhhhhhhh.........
Rand: I guess that's a no
"J" - playing as Usno the pyromaniac - "I light a match, ignite the bomb I made from a propane bottle, and throw it at the SWAT team member who is attacking us."
Me: "All right, roll to attack. . ." (I roll the police officer's Defense check. All three dice come up 1s: botch.) O.O
J: "Sixes are good, right?"
Me: "Hang on, let me do a number crunch. . ." (doing a quick check, I note that J has just dealt over a hundred points of damage simply from bludgeoning force from a moderately heavy thrown object to the police officer, breaking his Death threshold). "Oh crap, he's dead. . . call it and you drop him."
J: "Can I have the propane tank, like, lodge in his ribcage from throwing it so hard?"
Me: "Yeah. . . and in fact, here." (counting out every d6 I own) "Roll them."
J rolls.
Me: "Okay. . . the cop staggers back, staring down in horror at the propane tank that has lodged itself in his chest. A moment later, the makeshift bomb explodes and bits and pieces fly all over the place as he takes over 200 points of explosive damage. Everything above his waist is gone, and his legs slump over."
And that's how my buddy J killed an enemy using a piece of camping equipment.
Vlad: (somewhere around the middle of his speech) ... When we entered, we found an undead hill giant-...
Ruarch: (dwarf ranger, shouting from the back of the crowd) Two!
Vlad: What?
Ruarch: There were two hill giants.
Vlad: That doesn't matter-...
Ruarch: I had to kill them, then drag the thousand-pound carcasses out of here and up a hill. I'd appreciate it if you counted them both.
Party: Ninja, Battledancer, and Cleric(later a druid)
Cleric: And you will tell us where you stashed all the stuff you stole from the villagers.
NPC: In a cave about three miles away.
Cleric: Well you better hope you get to it before us then, you may go.
Party: Alright, we head to the cave.
DM: You didn't get directions.
Cleric: .... ****
On naming the cleric's cohort:
DM: Ok, I'll need a name and basic history for your cohort before I allow you to have him
Cleric: His name is Dudefella, that work?
DM: Sure, he dies from a heart defect, care to make another?
Cleric: Dudefella Jr.
DM: Heart problems run in the family
Ninja is asked with a secret note to assassinate someone and not tell anyone else in the party he's been hired to do it. He does the deed and brings back the head in a bag to the woman who hired him with the rest of the party in tow:
Ninja: I have something for you, *places the bag on the table*
Woman: What's this? *looks inside* Why... why would you bring me such a horrible thing?
Ninja: I thought you wanted him dead, this is proof.
Woman: No, I never asked for that, I never wanted this, please... please take it away.
Battledancer and Cleric: Yeah, she never asked for that.
Ninja: ...
*after the game*
Ninja(OOC): Can I say something?
DM: *sees where this is going* Sure
Ninja(OOC): She hired me to kill him, so there was supposed to be payment but I guess she wasn't telling the truth about paying me.
DM: So the thing is, when you are sent on a secret assassination mission and told not to tell your friends, you don't come back with your friends and present the evidence and expect her to actual admit to the whole thing. That sort of defeats the whole purpose of being sent on a secret assassination mission.
Ninja(OOC): ...oh
The party accepts a contract to catch a vampire. After prepping for it they arrive at the vampire's stronghold and the following conversation occurs:
Cleric: So, did anyone remember to buy stakes?
Party: ...oh ****
On fighting vampires part 2:
DM: As you open the door you see 4 elven vampires casting lightning bolt and 3 casting fireball.
Cleric: Oh my god we're dead, we're screwed, no way to survive! Completely dead!
DM: One fireball and one lightning bolt emit from the corner two.
Party: ...
DM: Mirror image anyone?
Cleric: ...oh, cute
Battledancer: Why is it that the lowest intelligence character is the only one that knows what's going on?
The druid is currently wildshaped into a bird as they discuss battle tactics with an NPC group they're going with:
NPC(to druid): So one chirp for yes, two chirps for no.
Druid: Chirp
NPC: So you can either be a bird, or a human dressed up as a follower for the trap, which would you perfer?
Druid(OOC): Wait what, that isn't a yes or no question, I shift out.
NPC: Oh good, you can change quickly, anyway how do you want to handle this?
The party is working for a church/cult who has a leader that is openly trying to ascend to godhood. She has asked them to capture a devil worshipper because he is leading attacks against her followers, and she wants to torture information on his superiors out of him. The party then hears information from a devil that the priestess is a demon and getting the devil worshipper will help her plans for ascension. They currently have an item that allows them to use true seeing at will and have a lesser priestess of this cult with them.
*party discusses going and using true seeing on the high priestess in front of her lesser priestess follower*
Lesser Priestess: Feel free to do that, I'm not worried about the result. Oh is it fine if I go ahead and take the devil worshipper back to my church while you go to sell things in town?
Battledancer: I don't think one person will make a difference.
Druid: Heck if they did we'd just use him to ascend ourselves.
Battledancer(ooc): We saw the lesser priestess cast cure spells, so she had to spontaneously convert them to do that, she can't be an evil follower.
DM: *confused at that logic* Yeah sure.
Battledancer(ooc): And we haven't heard reports of her church slaughtering people like we would have if she was a demon.
DM: True.
Party: Yeah we let her go back to her church while we go shopping.
NPC(Ninja's sister): I hope you aren't just going to walk into her church in the middle of all of them and try to use the true seeing item. That is unless you think you will be really good at hiding your expression if she actually is a demon.
Ninja: No, that would be stupid.
*fast forward four days*
DM: So, how are you handling this?
Party: We walk into her church and ask to see her to see if she's a demon.
DM: Um, okay...
The party has a known minor artifact in the form of a book.
NPC(Evil Priestess): May I see that book please?
Ninja: Uh... sure *hands it to her*
Ninja: Um... could I get that back please?
DM: ...
DM: ... also in the room is a huge glass box with a darkwood sword stuck thru it. There is some sand in the bottom of the box.
*a few minutes later*
Druid: I summon an earth elemental and tell him to pull out the sword after I run out of the room.
Party: No don't... fine, we follow.
*party is running down hallways*
Ninja: Why did you send the earth elemental to pull out the sword?
Druid: To see what happened.
Battledancer: But we ran right before he did it, so why did you do it?
Druid: To see what happened.
Ninja: But we can't see them anymore.
DM: Are you planning to go back and see?
Druid: No.
*After performing missions such as kidnapping, theft, and assassination the party learns that the one giving them the missions was actually a demon.*
Battledancer: But the tasks seemed harmless and for the greater good.
Druid: You guys are all idiots, I knew those two were demons from the start.
DM: You mean when NPC_X told you they were all demons 5 sessions ago?
Druid: No before that.
DM: Then you probably should have done something about it before.
Waspinator: Ohhh waspinator has a headache in his whole body!
Direct quote from Beast Wars - several episodes, if I'm not mistaken, had the disembodied head of Waspinator saying this.
And Waspinator is named after and inceticon
I'm sorry, I just can't let this go.
They are referring to Waspinator from the TV show "Beast Wars". He was a Predacon, not an Insecticon. Just, y'know... FYI...
Myrrdyn: I grab my albino raven familiar and start waving with it like a flag.
Jareve: What in the name of Indiana Jones is he doing?!
Dorona: I think he's waving a bird at us in a very comical way.
I'm sorry, I just can't let this go.
They are referring to Waspinator from the TV show "Beast Wars". He was a Predacon, not an Insecticon. Just, y'know... FYI...
Yeah and here is proof;
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waspinator
Throm: Loxxo Ranger with no social grace
Luxor: Loxxo Barbarian who thinks he is quite the writer (no he is not literate)
Kivel: Lizardfolk Ranger who thinks he is a Loxxo
Eclypsios: Gloamling Bard whose life revolves around women and money
Riek: Elf Rogue, thinks he is a petty thief but tends to save the party quite often
Drift: Human Monk/Drunken Master whose main rule is "Drink First"
Splash: Dwarf Werebear Monk/Drunken Master who tends to forget he is in hyrbid form
Rain: Human Wilder/Pyrokineticist... deathly afraid of water.
So the story goes, Throm, Luxor, Kivel, and Eclypsios were part of a trade caravan going to the Frozen North to supply the only town there. Once there they meet up with Drift, Splash, and Rain who are the towns Frost Worm hunters. They get asked by the council to find their best hunter, Splash's brother Crash. He is assumed to be in the Frost Worm spawning cave trying to put an end to the threat for good. Now the conversation with the Council went a bit like this.
Council Member: We are asking you, no, begging you to find Crash for us.
Party: No problem we'll find the guy
Throm: If he is you greatest hunter, then why do we need to find him?
CM: Because he hasn't come back and you seem to be a big strong elephant man.
*Throm walks up to the dwarven council member and kneels down, grabbing her head*
Throm: Okay...
The Party's barbarian Luxor is given a map to the spawning cave (he was the last one out the door) and they all get ready for their trek. For an hour or so they follow Luxor's directions until they end up back at the town.
Party:
Luxor: Hey, I followed the map perfectly!
Eclypsios to Kivel and Throm: He can't read at all can he?
So after that was fixed they eventually find their way to the spawning cave. Inside they kill a couple Frost Worms and find Riek trapped in an ice block. They break him out and then this happens.
Riek: Thank you so much kind sirs, I've been trapped in there for a week!
Eclypsios: I'm assuming a reward is in the making?
Luxor: How did you survive?
Riek: *ignoring Eclypsios* I had to eat my riding dog *points to the bones behind him*
Throm: *looking down at his riding dog (Animal Companion) and then to Riek* Don't get any ideas.
Riek: Of course not! It was for survival only!
Rain: Why were you here anyways?
Riek: I heard there was great treasure here and seeing as I am but a petty thief I came to make my fortune.
Eclypsios: Reward. Now. We saved you now pay up.
Riek: I can only pay you in thanks
Eclypsios: How about you pay me in Francs
Riek: *OOC* Dude, he's not French
The party continues to make its way into the cave and eventually...
Me: Roll a Spot check.
*All pass except for Throm who roles a Nat. 1 (no wisdom modifier and no ranks in Spot)*
Me: You all see that the room ahead of you is filled with gold coins, and at the center lays a far larger than normal Frost Worm. It is obviously the Gynarch you have been warned of. But Throm, you see that the room is actually filled with piles of coconuts and at the center is a large ice sculpture of you!
Everyone decides to stay behind except for Rain, Splash, and Eclypsios. As they enter the room, they find the corpse of Crash laying off to the side. As Rain and Drift run over to the body, Eclypsios begins piling his pack full of coins. I had them roll a listen check and all failed except for Eclypsios who hears a whispering from behind the sleeping beast. We silently makes his way over and finds a beautiful woman calling out for help. But before he can do anything, this happens.
Throm: *runs into the room* I see no coconuts!
Me: Roll initiative.
The battle with the Gynarch (beefed up Frost Worm) goes as expected until they kill the beast.
Woman: Oh thank you, you saved me!
Eclypsios: Oh, all in a days work M'lady
Woman: How can I repay for for such a noble act!?
Eclypsios: Oh, I think we'll figure something out.
Woman: *runs to Eclypsios and plants a kiss on him*
Me: As the woman kisses you, you feel you energy being sapped away. Roll a Fort. save.
Eclypsios: *rolls low* Ahh
! So, the woman turns in to her true form, a Succubus, and attacks the weakened Eclypsios. While this is going on, the Gynarch springs back to life and again, the party beats it down, not knowing about the succubus.
Eclypsios gets dominated by the succubus into thinking that the party was plotting to steal his gold and his women. So, he promptly decides to fix this.
Eclypsios: I stab Rain with my scimitar *rolls low* Damn, missed.
Rain: What are you doing you winged midget!? You almost stabbed me!
Eclypsios: That was the point! Trying to steal my gold and women and whatnot!
Rain: I am doing no such thing! I didn't even know you had any women!
Eclypsios: Yeah, she's over there. *points to the succubus* And you can't have her! *tries to stab again but misses*
The party takes out the succubus (she teleported away but they think she's dead) and ends up hog-tying Eclypsios, even though he kept yelling that he was fine now. The group takes the fastest way out, running into a bunch of traps, one of which was a pit trap. They make it back relatively safe but as soon as they get back to town...
Kivel: Oh crap guys... Eclypsios is in that damn pit!
How they didn't notice that Eclypsios's player hadn't been saying anything for the past hour I will never know. But they ended up going back to find a alf frozen Gloamling, hog-tied at the bottom of a 50' hole and swearing his tiny mouth off. Leaving the bard behind has now become a regular thing in this group with Eclypsios's player playing right along with it and not saying a word until they remember.
Okay,that was extremely long and probably not as funny as I thought. But hey, I wanted to contribute too.
PS. See my sig for another funny line.
Our characters got along very well, since I had been running half my life from the Empire and finally had discovered a fellow Jedi, and Ga'wain had been searching for Jedi's himself because he knew only their power could overcome Lord Vader. We really were close and had saved each others lives on numerous occasions. But I had begun to see violent tendencies in Ga'wain, and, just prior to last night, I saw him use force lightening. I let it pass, knowing my companion was tredding the dark side. I decided to see if there was a moment I could talk to him, but because of events, we were too busy to have a sit-down. Eventually we did what we had to, captured a 16 year old girl who sold her parents out to the Empire. After the NPC interaction, everyone but myself, Matt, and the GM went home. Everyone was hurt, Matt the lowest at about 6 hp. Matt decided to question the girl to discover what she knew. When she refused to give up anything, Ga'wain crushed her throat. I immediately used Force Sever, barely making the lowest DC. Matt did not know I had the power though. The following discussion took place, and a lot of it refersto past events:
Ga'wain: (looking at me) What was that? Why have you attacked me?
Gladius: You are treading the dark path, I must do what I can to save you!
Ga'wain: Save me! What have I done that is so wrong?
Gladius: You killed our prisoner. She was defenseless and in our power. All you did was murder!
Ga'wain: Not murder, justice. She attacked us, wanted to kill us. We had no choice!
Gladius: Death is not the answer. It is a last resort. There was no reason to kill her.
Ga'wain: There was every reason to kill her. She deserved death. That is justice.
Gladius: That is not justice! That is revenge! You talk as one who follows the dark side!
Ga'wain: So what if it is revenge? Do you expect me to spare those who have done wrong?
Gladius: No, I expect you to do what is right! Bloodshed is not a solution, it only begets further violence.
Ga'wain: You, you toting about peace! You are the first to draw a weapon, to attack.
Gladius: I do what I must to protect those that I care for.
Ga'wain: Yet what of that time you killed that defenseless soldier?
Gladius: Yes, I made a mistake, and I have atoned for it. And I pay for it every day, and lament every death that I have caused.
Ga'wain: Yes, right. You lament. And I do something about the injustice in this galaxy. And is it not I who tries to talk our way past difficult situations while all you do is wave your blade?
Gladius: I have been forced to fight, to fight all my life. I was abandoned at 12, alone on a world that feared and hated me. Do you know what it is like to live a life in constant fear?
Ga'wain: No, but I do know of loss. I watched my wife and children murdered by the Empire, all because of the Jedi on my world who refused to fight. I must stop the Empire for what it has done.
Gladius: That is not right, that is revenge! You let your emotions run rampart! You are giving yourself up for what, quick and easy power?
Ga'wain: Yes power, the power to confront the Empire.
Gladius: That is the same power Darth Vader uses. It is the same lines of reasoning Skywalker fell, the same need for control, for revenge, for power that made the Empire what it is.
Ga'wain: Yes, in control.
Gladius: A Jedi would never uses their powers for these reasons.
Ga'wain: The Jedi are dead! All of them dead. Their vaulted values of logic and reason over passion is what has caused them to fall!
Gladius: The Jedi are the reason this galaxy was safeguarded for so long!
Ga'wain: The Jedi are fools! It was this reason they were doomed to failure. It is not knowledge but ignoracne they had!
Gladius: Not ignorance but balance.
Ga'wain: No, ignorance. Ignorance of true power.
Gladius: How can you act this way? How can you believe this? You are a focus for the Force. You are to maintaine the balance, be a safeguard for life.
Ga'wain: And that is what I shall do. I shall save lives...
Ga'wain: What will you do if I keep to this path.
Gladius: What I must.
Ga'wain: And what would that be?
Gladius: I would stop you. And if need be...kill you.
Ga'wain: You will kill an ally and friend?
Gladius: To protect those I love, as well as themselves. Let me ask you, what would do once Vader and the Emperor is dead?
Ga'wain: Live a peaceful life and die free.
Gladius: Do you believe that?
Ga'wain: I must.
After a pregnant pause.
Gladius: We don't have a choice.
Ga'wain: No we don't.
With that, Ga'wain force gripped me and began to kill me..
Ga'wain: I'm sorry.
Gladius: You seal your own fate. With my death you complete your fall and extinguish the last hope we had for salvation. Yourself.
Ga'wain: You were noble, and you were a friend. Now, no more.
And with that, he crushed the life from my body.
Immediately, he felt the tendrels of a prescence in his mind, one full of malevolence, hatred and lust, as a powerful force found him and laughed with tainted glee.
Other squad leader: Was that an explosion (heard across a busy town inside another building)
Me: Yes.
OTL: Did you blow up another building? (In my defense I NEVER blew the buildings up, the bombs people left behind did)
Me: We are well into the smoking ruins part of our plan.
Same game in travel
We have never retained a vehicle for more then one session. Something spectacular always happens. We are currently in the stolen/borrowed jet of an assassin group that one of our PCs was associated with. We were being shot at with missiles all across china. We survive and eventually are forced to land in a small air base in Siberia.
Me: And we have landed.
Party: Wait, you can land?
Help me i can't swim!
Full-Plated Dwarven Defender(no ranks in swim):
Fear not lad! I'm coming!
JUMPS IN THE RIVER.
This happened last night. It was a SWSE campaign, we were level 4. I was Trik'tel Gladius, a Kel Doran Jedi specializing in blah blah blah...
So, what WAS the "best line" that was buried in all that?
Halfling Rogue drowning:
Help me i can't swim!
Full-Plated Dwarven Defender(no ranks in swim):
Fear not lad! I'm coming!
JUMPS IN THE RIVER.
Of course, given that he's a dwarf, I've no doubt that he could walk across the bottom, retrieve the halfling, and climb out again before he ran out of air.
Half-orc barbarian: Elf.
Both male-player-female-character. The best part is that I didn't miss a beat on the reply. Also fortunately, the other character didn't take it personally.
So, what WAS the "best line" that was buried in all that?
There probably was none, but it still was a good read.
My Brother: Is that mountain worth climbing?
Me: Let me check /flips through ravenloft module
It seems that my players thought that was funny.
Omotar: lvl 2 half-orc barbarian with an INT of 12
Swiftblade: (my bro-in-law) lvl 2 human fighter
Fallon Drake (my NPC) lvl 2 human cleric of Kord
So my bro in law's character has a CHA of 9 and he plays it well by being witty (or trying to be) in the most inopportune situations. This was the initial encounter between Omotar and the other two.
DM: Omotar you see two figures walking towards your position in the underbrush, they seem to be on to you.
Omotar: I stand up and wield my greatsword at them and shout.
DM: Make an Intimidate check.
Omotar: ROLLS A 2 FOR A TOTAL OF 6 ON THE CHECK. The other two characters are not intimidated.
Swiftblade (pulling out his greatsword and wielding it with fluid grace): You sure you know how to use that thing you stupid orc?
Omotar: Me not stupid, you stupid.
Swiftblade: *laughs heartily to the point where I make him roll a Will save to voluntarily stop laughing which he succeeds* Only a Diplomacy check on Fallon's part prevents the two martial types from murdering one another.
Bear in mind these are two 9 year olds RP'ing better than some people tiwce their age, pretty impressive.
Bear in mind these are two 9 year olds RP'ing better than some people tiwce their age, pretty impressive.
It's not surprising to me. I started playing when I was 9 years old, and the group I was in was mostly 10, 11 and 12 year olds. It was a rather large group, but I remember the first session so well, because it was so well played by everyone present, I was totally immersed. Fast forward to now, where some of the people I've gamed with in recent memory around my age, some of whom have played for almost as long or longer, can't RP their way out of a bag.
) I figured it would be appropriate to name our group. We eventually settled on Group W2 (2 s to the first to get this reference.) or GW2 for short. I also thought everyone should get to know the cast better.Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 9 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10) A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 9 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
We made off with the plans, (see earlier post for details) our plan involved dressing up as guards, claiming we were "Searching the palace for the escapees" and getting into the king's room. Anyway as we were leaving, a real guard caught us, with Rand holding the plans.
Guard: What are you doing?
Rand: Searching for the prisoners.
Guard: Then why are you holding the kings battle plans??
Rand: We're uh, just giving them some fresh air. *Bluff of 29*
Guard: *Sense motive of 11* oh okay then, just holler if you need backup.
DM:
I refuse to believe that worked.Later, we were trying to mingle with the city, until a guard recognized us.
Musashi killed him, but another guard happened to be patrolling the area and found him with a comrade of his impaled on a katana still in the hands of someone.
Guard: A-a-a-a what happened? Did you kill him?
Musashi:Well....
Rand: Oh no-no-no-no, my friend was showing him his katana, and when he walked over to inspect it, he tripped and fell, impaling himself on the sword!
DM:
roll bluff.Rand: *Rolls 32*
DM: *Rolls 14* :OMG!
Guard: Oh, well that's a terrible shame. He was just 4 days away from retirement. I'd better go tell the wife and kids. *walks away*
Musashi: How do we get away with this s*** all the time?
How do we get away with this s*** all the time?
Because you have a *really* nice DM. You realize that you really should not have been able to do that with someone of average INT and WIS. Well, the katana, maybe; not the Battle Plans.
Me - 19
Mike - 20
Ryan - 18
Ammie - 5 ....
DM - Ok,you are all unconscious.
Ammie - well you didnt tell me it was a sleep effect,i have a plus 2 on that.
DM - .... Ok,well what is your total then ...
Ammie - 7 ...
DM - Ok you are all unconscious.
Ah late night dnd (it was half after midnight at this time but just the way she said it,ah priceless)
Apologies for the lack of 'best lines' in this post; here are a few rather mediochre ones to keep you going until the next post: / _ / | \ ~ - and ^
(I hope none of them get bent in the posting)
Bluff rules state that a NPC gets a modifier to their sense motive checks if the bluff is outlandish or otherwise crazy. I think it goes up to +20 for the most rediculous ones.
Correct.
In the above situation, the rolls were Bluff 32 versus Sense Motive 14. The sense motive should've been with a +20 bonus for "the bluff is way out there, almost too incredible to consider", at which point it's a bluff 32 versus a sense motive 34, and the guard doesn't buy your story.
There's a very good reason the rules include adjustments for the belivability of your story.
The thing about stealing the plans was bluff 29 vs sense motive 11, and I'd probably assess the it as "the bluff is hard to believe or puts the target at significant risk", which is worth a +10, but that's still 29 vs 21 and the bluff succeeds -- though I'd probably demand that the player come up with something more sensical than "taking them out for air". Like maybe, "Oh, the general wanted to see them," or something. It's still hard to believe and risky for a guard (who is, in effect, being asked not to do his job), but not as random as what the PC actually said.
Still, my favorite bluff of all time was:
Bard player - "I cast glibness."
Shop owner - "What did you just do?"
Bard - "Nothing."
Shop owner - "Oh, okay."
Ah late night dnd (it was half after midnight at this time but just the way she said it,ah priceless)
heh. My group uses this one all the time when they fail a save...
(Imitating the DM) "You die. No, wait! ...yeah, you die."
its been a while since I posted, but we finally had a good one yesterday. It is the same cast as my last post:
Zillix: Dwarf Gestalt cleric//fighter of the Dwarven god. Lawful good, hero of justice and all that bit.
Temor: Dwarf Gestalt archivist//wizard of the god of knowledge. He is Zillix's father. True neutral, likes to cause trouble and wait for Zillix to get him out of it.
The Shopkeeper: A middle-aged shop keeper in the town who spent several years living among Dwarves.
Set up:
The pair is currently working as heads of the militia in a small halfling city. Something important to know is this: In my homebrew setting, dwarves commonly insult each other, it is just the way they act.
They enter the shop...
Temor: We are here to collect fees for your protection.
Shopkeeper: Protection?
Temor: Yes, to keep you and your shop safe.
Shopkeeper: And how will I be paying?
Temor: In gold!
Zillix: No, we don't want any money.
Shopkeeper: (Ignoring Zillix) Gold is it? There I thought all you dwarves just used dirt as money!
Zillix: Yes, dirt would be fine (trying to calm them down).
Temor: No, gold.
Shopkeeper: A compromise then, 5 pounds of gold-colored dirt each month.
Temor: Very well.
Shopkeeper: And where will I be having it delivered? Your room in the temple, or perhaps you prefer the mud outback?
Temor:Ahh very funny you smelly little man.
Shopkeeper: Do I smell? I can't smell my self over you.
So to the mud patch then.
Zillix: (Trying to end the conversation) No, just leave it by that tree stump.
Shopkeeper: What tree stump?
Zillix: That one over there (points away).
Shopkeeper: I am afraid I can not see it, since we are in a shop and all.
Zillix: Exactly!
DM: "Do you know what you just did? You just
my encounter. This was supposed to be a tough fight, and you took my encounter and just bent it over the gaming table and used a with a spiked and razor edged and shoved it up their !"Player: "Was it good for them?"
Bluff rules state that a NPC gets a modifier to their sense motive checks if the bluff is outlandish or otherwise crazy. I think it goes up to +20 for the most rediculous ones.
I'm just winging on the rolls. I don't remember the exact numbers, so the difference could be much higher. Besides, it's funny! So stop trying to break down our fun!
Me (DM): Depends what happens, but it's possible.
Rogue wounds a badguy with arrows. Badguy then caught in line of fire breath weapon from the party's dragon and reduced to -30 hp.
R: I take it I don't get the arrows back then.
DM - Roll for Know (Religion)
Player - 5
Dm (yelling) - there is a god!
20 minute break.
Another one at a Faerun game, after all players got their characters leveled up and bought new items in town:
Dm - are you all ready? shall I continue?
Player - WAIT! WAIT! (to the other players) are we all gathered?
Rest of the band - (suspiciously) yes? why?
Player - Then let's venture forth!
So we are in a tavern and the barmaid is very attractive. She approaches monk since he is obviously getting out the money to pay our tab. This is when I break into rant.
Me: Hey... Hey! ... Hey!!!
barmaid turns to me.
Me: Whatcha doing talking to him for? Can't ya see who the catch is at this table? Its obvious that you fell from Heaven, and equally obvious he fell from tha Ugly Tree and hit his head on every branch on the way down. The tiny titan here, my members bigger than him, and Woody thar is bushier than the three prostitutes I had last night. Which, by the way, might be a good profession for ye. You could make some good money, not that I intend to pay. I guess what I am trying to say is ... I'm pretty, lets screw.
beforehand:
Peter: Okay, I spend my ..... *looks at character sheet* 58 gold pieces to buy as much oil as I can....
DM: o...kay...
John: What the heck do you want that much oil for?
Peter: you'll see...
In the sewers:
Peter: I pour the oil into the sewers and ignite it....
Me: Okay.... I'm going to run out of here ... right NOW.
Peter: Why?
Me: Because the oil will be floating on the water and start burning US...
Peter: oh... but I wanted to crash the tower
Me:
, Oil will do nothing! .... The sewers are made of stone!DM: I was wondering if someone would notice that...
Me: no we would need something like....
John: EXPLOSIVES!
DM: ::lightbulb.... there's no gunpowder... is there?
Peter: theres something called smokepowder in the Faerun PH, which pretty much is the same....
Me: and besides we would need to find the right place to place it, which we can't really do....
DM: right....
John: Well a Knowledge Architecture will take care of that right?
DM: ....roll the dice....
*John rolls*: Natural 20
DM: okay, you now know where to place the explosives.....
Players ignite the explosives and run:
DM: The ground shakes and the wizards tower falls in on itself leaving a big pile of rubble...
Peter: How much xp do we get for this?
Dm - are you all ready? shall I continue?
Player - WAIT! WAIT! (to the other players) are we all gathered?
Rest of the band - (suspiciously) yes? why?
Player - Then let's venture forth!
DM: A green and a red dragon appear, and glare at you with a look somewhere between anger and confusion. The red dragon lets out a menacing trail of smoke from his nostrils.
Player 1: Green AND Red? Wha...
DM: Obviously you didn't take the time to research this particular area. You all barged right on in, unprepared, and now these dragons are ticked at you for intruding.
Player 1: Crap. I run away.
Player 2: Second that.
Player 3: Third that!
Player 4: Pansies! I step forward and point my longsword at the red dragon and glare back.
DM: I don't think you understand the situation. Let me clarify: These dragons BOTH are Wyrms. They tower over you. Even if you were half as smart as you are now you'd know you don't have a chance of defeating them.
Player 4: Oh, so... the red dragon's head is actually...
DM: A good three stories above your head, yes.
Player 4: Oh. In that case. I throw my sword at it.
DM: Good decsi-- wait. What?!
Player 4: I throw my sword at it. *rolls three 20s in a row*
DM: You... you just...
Player 4: I walk over to the corpse of the red dragon, pull my sword out of his forehead, point it at the green dragon, and glare at it...
***********
(Cookie for the reference here)
Gnarled old gnome druid: Being out in the wilderness can be lots of fun...
Player: Like boobs?
Gnarled old gnome druid: ...but it can also be extremely dangerous for the unprepared...
Player: Like fire boobs?
Gnarled old gnome druid: -.-
What are you mad at?
After the level 4 PCs foolishly decided to raid the Dragon's Forest a little too early in their young lives...
DM: A green and a red dragon appear, and glare at you with a look somewhere between anger and confusion. The red dragon lets out a menacing trail of smoke from his nostrils.
Player 1: Green AND Red? Wha...
DM: Obviously you didn't take the time to research this particular area. You all barged right on in, unprepared, and now these dragons are ticked at you for intruding.
Player 1: Crap. I run away.
Player 2: Second that.
Player 3: Third that!
Player 4: Pansies! I step forward and point my longsword at the red dragon and glare back.
DM: I don't think you understand the situation. Let me clarify: These dragons BOTH are Wyrms. They tower over you. Even if you were half as smart as you are now you'd know you don't have a chance of defeating them.
Player 4: Oh, so... the red dragon's head is actually...
DM: A good three stories above your head, yes.
Player 4: Oh. In that case. I throw my sword at it.
DM: Good decsi-- wait. What?!
Player 4: I throw my sword at it. *rolls three 20s in a row*
DM: You... you just...
Player 4: I walk over to the corpse of the red dragon, pull my sword out of his forehead, point it at the green dragon, and glare at it...
Which the green dragon promptly wets himself and takes off before the insane sword-chucking warrior gets him.
I believe they also thought any critical threat automatically hits, even from a Disciple of Dispater wielding a keen kukri.
Player 4: I throw my sword at it. *rolls three 20s in a row*
DM: You... you just...
Now ask me why I loathe houserules about autokill crits.
you" response but rather a key element in his personality and backstory. So here he is, face to knee with a titan. I won't kowtow and we can't hope to beat it. We're dead, no two ways about it. So I unsling the blunderbuss from by back, say "I like to keep this handy >click of hammer< for close encounters", ram the barrel into the titan's left nut and fire.
I was dead 12 seconds later, but it was totally worth it.
Which the green dragon promptly wets himself and takes off before the insane sword-chucking warrior gets him.
No, at which point the red dragon stands up, says "Nah, I'm just kidding. We're not using that stupid house rule" and flattens the fighter into something resembling chunky-style salsa.
Now ask me why I loathe houserules about autokill crits.
Well I didn't think it was relevant to post any background on this particular group, but... The DM and one of the players were the only ones with any reasonable amount of experience. Player 4 was playing for the first time, and was really taking the whole "You're allowed to ATTEMPT anything you want in D&D" thing to heart. So he thought it would be perfectly acceptable to try to throw the longsword, since he was the group's fighter.
And yes, the 3 20's insta-kill rule was in effect. Normally the DM wouldn't let anything RIDICULOUS happen like that, but he was so shocked he let the player have it. The cool thing is that the player didn't even miss a beat -- as if he KNEW he was going to kill the dragon instantly, and the way he went and picked up the sword again was just flawless timing.
Needless to say, I'm sure D&D left a very good impression on him that night, though the DM had to take him aside after that and explain that in the future, stuff like that won't happen.
What are you mad at?
Nothing, just had to get that announcers voice out of my head :P
i personally am a fan of the 3x20 insta kill because its a 1 in 8000 chance. if you stood out in a field and knew the general vacinity of a person but you were blind and you fired 8000 shots in their direction one of them would probably go right through an eye or something else just as specific and amazing for the situation
And the reason I don't like it is because any rule that introduces an additional element of randomness is going to hurt the players more than the monsters. The monsters generally aren't supposed to survive an encounter; a random chance to kill them more quickly and efficiently won't matter very much under most circumstances. The PCs, on the other hand, generally are supposed to survive an encounter; a random chance to kill them more quickly can sidetrack or even end a campaign.
As for what you described, assuming that knowing "the general vicinity of a person" means you've pinpointed the 5' square he's in, you'd actually have one chance in 16,000 of rolling three twenties and overcoming the 50% miss chance due to total concealment.
And the reason I don't like it is because any rule that introduces an additional element of randomness is going to hurt the players more than the monsters. The monsters generally aren't supposed to survive an encounter; a random chance to kill them more quickly and efficiently won't matter very much under most circumstances. The PCs, on the other hand, generally are supposed to survive an encounter; a random chance to kill them more quickly can sidetrack or even end a campaign.
As for what you described, assuming that knowing "the general vicinity of a person" means you've pinpointed the 5' square he's in, you'd actually have one chance in 16,000 of rolling three twenties and overcoming the 50% miss chance due to total concealment.
A couple lines heard in a recent game:
"Well, the sorcerer has 16 Cha, so he should be the face."
Sorcerer "Ugh, that means I have to roleplay!"
"Heaven forbid that a character with high charisma would need to roleplay."
Later, as the party decides who the face is:
"So who's going to impersonate the leader?"
Sorcerer "Well, I've got the charisma score, but I think the Cleric should " play the leader, as he's got the attitude."
"Oh, Ok. Sounds good."
Funnily enough, playing against the ability scores worked. Chiefly because the cleric's player DID do a good job roleplaying.
"Ugh, that means I have to roleplay!"
Me: For the third time, you find yourself in front of a rocky hill covered with dry shrubs and dead grass. What do you want to do?
Answer: Turn around and run away.
Turn around and run away.
Correct answer, if you ask me. I got a look at the demon statue in the first room, found out what it did, and said, "Oh, so THAT'S how this adventure's going to play it? Forget it, we'll go play in a dungeon that makes sense."
Correct answer, if you ask me. I got a look at the demon statue in the first room, found out what it did, and said, "Oh, so THAT'S how this adventure's going to play it? Forget it, we'll go play in a dungeon that makes sense."
Um... explanation for those of us who haven't played this adventure?
Party thus far consists of me, a human scythe thrower, and Pak, the vampiric spellcaster without any spellcasting levels.
Me: Can I go home now Mr. Smarmy Bastard? I have to make sure my commoners aren't hurling themselves into the sun, and that they aren't getting eaten by the flying space crocodiles. (not a lie.)
MSB: Oh, sure, I guess you're done here.
Me:I throw my scythes at the cranky snake. Opposed grapple checks.
P: Ooh, you took ranged pin?
Me: Yup. And ranged sunder.
DM: *rolls dice* OK, so he failed four of those opposed grapples.
Me: "OK cranky snake. I have some questions for you based around the ecology of this place. Question one. Where do you fit on the local food chain?"
-Later
DM: Congratulations. You just surveyed a dire dragon.
P: I summon up my blood contract victim.
DM: Oh, what's he going to do?
P: He's going to lead the tiny baking powder golems to victory in the war against the athletes foot fungus.
Me: The unintelligent tiny baking powder golems.
P: He's probably not very happy right now.
Me: This war's not going to be in any of the history books, is it?
DM: Just your supervisors.
Um... explanation for those of us who haven't played this adventure?
Has a sphere of annihilation in its mouth. No save, instant death. No idea why people would stick body parts in there anyway.
Has a sphere of annihilation in its mouth. No save, instant death. No idea why people would stick body parts in there anyway.
Can it be run for a level 17 party? If so, I'm totally taking an Entropomancer in there.
Can it be run for a level 17 party? If so, I'm totally taking an Entropomancer in there.
I believe said sphere is immovable in the 3.5 Tomb of Horrors.
Um... explanation for those of us who haven't played this adventure?
Well, it was directly discussed two pages back, not to mention being a particularly infamous trap, so I figured everyone would get it. Sorry. :D
Has a sphere of annihilation in its mouth. No save, instant death. No idea why people would stick body parts in there anyway.
Because it's not a freestanding statue, but a frieze on the wall whose gaped mouth is meant to look like a small doorway or a tunnel to somewhere else. It's dark inside, so many players' first instinct is to stick their head inside and see what they can see.
And that being the first room of the dungeon, a LOT of players lost their heads in it...
DM: Congratulations. You just surveyed a dire dragon.
P: He's going to lead the tiny baking powder golems to victory in the war against the athletes foot fungus.
Me: This war's not going to be in any of the history books, is it?
DM: Just your supervisors.
...Am I the only one who has no idea what he's talking about?
Well, it was directly discussed two pages back, not to mention being a particularly infamous trap, so I figured everyone would get it. Sorry. :D
Because it's not a freestanding statue, but a frieze on the wall whose gaped mouth is meant to look like a small doorway or a tunnel to somewhere else. It's dark inside, so many players' first instinct is to stick their head inside and see what they can see.
And that being the first room of the dungeon, a LOT of players lost their heads in it...
My bad, didn't realize this was the same adventure with the notorious sphere of annihilation trap. I have indeed heard of that one.
I don't know why the first instinct would be to stick your head in, though... my first instinct would be to stick a light source nearby, and when that didn't work I'd stick said light source in... I think the torch coming out with the end missing would keep me from sticking in a body part. But maybe I'm unusual in that respect - I don't normally stick important parts of my body in dark alcoves.
(after the party annihilated an encounter of ogres by having the druid cast Sleet Storm to knock them down, Spike Growth to slow them, and then having everyone stand outside the area of the Sleet Storm with ready actions to shoot the ogres as they come into view, while the bard used an Inspirational Boosted Inspire Courage to give everyone +2 to hit and damage)
DM: "Do you know what you just did? You just
Player: "Was it good for them?"
Can I sig this?
I believe said sphere is immovable in the 3.5 Tomb of Horrors.
How do you fix a Sphere of Annihilation in place? It's not like you can nail it to the wall...
At the gates of their very first town ever, they are charged with an entrance fee of 5SP per person, now look what follow:
PC1:
obviously, a wizard did it.
We have Wizards too, you know.
Can I sig this?
Sure
obviously, a wizard did it.
An archlich, more to the point. Or a demilich. I'm not sure I'm clear on the distinction, to be honest (because demi- normally means "part" or "half", and this guy is supposed to be MORE than a normal lich...)
I don't know why the first instinct would be to stick your head in, though... my first instinct would be to stick a light source nearby, and when that didn't work I'd stick said light source in... I think the torch coming out with the end missing would keep me from sticking in a body part. But maybe I'm unusual in that respect - I don't normally stick important parts of my body in dark alcoves.
Just as shown in the earlier Spider story -- a lot of people just decided to climb in.
To be fair, a sphere of total blackness sounds a lot like a Darkness spell, so it's not entirely out of whack; and not all players will notice it's a line of total blackness; some people just assume it's a mundanely dark tunnel.
And also there's a reason this is so well known -- it's kind of nutty to have an instant death trap in the very first room that you can only figure out by putting something in and then noticing that it didn't come back out.
An archlich, more to the point. Or a demilich. I'm not sure I'm clear on the distinction, to be honest (because demi- normally means "part" or "half", and this guy is supposed to be MORE than a normal lich...)
Maybe they meant "demi" to be a derivative of "demonic" in this instance? I'm grasping at straws, I know...
Just as shown in the earlier Spider story -- a lot of people just decided to climb in.
To be fair, a sphere of total blackness sounds a lot like a Darkness spell, so it's not entirely out of whack; and not all players will notice it's a line of total blackness; some people just assume it's a mundanely dark tunnel.
And also there's a reason this is so well known -- it's kind of nutty to have an instant death trap in the very first room that you can only figure out by putting something in and then noticing that it didn't come back out.
I'm not normally the sneaky rogue type, so I generally like seeing what I'm doing and where I'm going. I'm sure this trap was pure evil for characters that fall into the "death in the shadows" archetype.
I'm gonna build a backwards dungeon... "boss" battle right at the beginning, and somehow after that battle the party has to crawl through the rest of the dungeon... just so I can be more than "kind of nutty." It'll be great.
I was Ramirez Di Pietro, level 4 swashbuckler
With: Haiiro the monk
and: Simon the Psion
also: some other people i sadly do not remember. =/
We were facing some paticularly feisty undead in an underground dwarven city, with the usuall zombies and skeletons. It was probably the second or third time i've ever played, and it was the DM's first time DMing
He threw an aelip at us.
It makes you crazy and damages your wisdom.
We had no cleric, and not a single magic weapon among us.
I was at 1 wisdom ( it really liked the taste of my wisdom) when we finally defeated the damned thing. (mostly the psions mind blasting, or another manifested ability of some kind.)
All the fun happens after this. I am an avid roleplayer, and I couldnt think of how best to incorporate a 1 wisdom to my character. The DM suggested "Well you should speak everything on your mind constantly from now on."
For the next 3 hours I was doing things like "Manthisplaceisreallybig Ihopewedontendupdeaddownhere Simonhowwereyouabletostopthatthingitseemedlikewedidnthaveachance Mansimonyourareallyskinnyguy Doesanyoneelsenoticeitsprettycoldinhere? Manwhatiwouldntgivetobeoutsideinthefreshairrightnow"
I then took out my rapier and dagger and put on a little play to keep me busy.
After I ran out of ideas and getting tired i just looked down at my feet going "left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot,right foot, left foot, right foot."
We got into a fight, and a pillar fell, crushing my left foot. I immediately started screaming "Left foot! Left foot! "left foot!"
This went on for almost a month. You should see the notes my character took as we went along through all this.
Other than that I always seem to roll worst when it matters the least, especially for fluff reasons. My character is very....uhh....lively. He loves the dramatic. It was rare he used a door to go in or out of just about anywhere. Regardless of how high the building was. There was a lot of this:
Me - "I bow to the shopkeeper and Dive out of the window Dramatically!"
DM - alrighty. Roll your jump.
ME - ::natural 1:: Son of a *****! Can I tumble so I dont look like a complete idiot?
DM - Sure
ME - ::rolls:: 29 total
DM - Your foot catches the window sill as you jump out. you hit the floor face first, bounce up, do a flip, and land on your feet. Onlookers are not sure whether to laugh or applaud.
Later on I started holding a grudge to a gnome vizier to a powerfull elf king whom liked to pull pranks on me and nudge me down long flights of stairs with bolts of force. I was in the armory and he was explaining something.
ME - Is there normal, medium sized piecesof armor around?
Dm - sure, why?
ME - I take a medium size piece of full plate, just the chest part, and i throw it over Nigle's (the gnomes) head. I push him over and spin him spin him spin him spin him!!! Then I run like hell cackling!
An archlich, more to the point. Or a demilich. I'm not sure I'm clear on the distinction, to be honest (because demi- normally means "part" or "half", and this guy is supposed to be MORE than a normal lich...)
Demi because it's just the head. For some reason, the less that's left of a lich, the more powerful they get.
Demi because it's just the head. For some reason, the less that's left of a lich, the more powerful they get.
It's concentrated power.
Just like Mr. Clean.
(after the party annihilated an encounter of ogres by having the druid cast Sleet Storm to knock them down, Spike Growth to slow them, and then having everyone stand outside the area of the Sleet Storm with ready actions to shoot the ogres as they come into view, while the bard used an Inspirational Boosted Inspire Courage to give everyone +2 to hit and damage)
DM: "Do you know what you just did? You just
Player: "Was it good for them?"
Sigged.
Demi because it's just the head. For some reason, the less that's left of a lich, the more powerful they get.
The idea behind Demiliches is that they've been around for so long that their bodies have started to disintegrate - that, and they start spending their time roaming either the Astral or Ethereal Planes (I don't recall, and I'm too lazy to go downstairs to check the book). The soul-sucking gems help feed the demilich, and the early manifestations (I think) absorbs the attack energy to summon the demilich's ... will? soul? intelligence? ... back to the Prime to fight the intruders.
s to the first to get this reference.) or GW2 for short. I also thought everyone should get to know the cast better.Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 10 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10) A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 10 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
We got out of the city, as expected, this wasn't easy. As we were on the run from the law, we happened to come across an airship dock. Rand came up with the idea of stealing a ship, so we killed the guards of the nearest ship and made off with it. Unfortunately after a while we were being pursued. and the following conversation erupted.
Rand: How could they know we were the ones that stole the ship?
Mystina: Well we were the only one's to get past their airtight border security.
Rand: Airtight? He actually believed that I left our deed in my other pants!
DM: Waspinator, roll.
Waspinator: *Rolls natural 20*
*DM hands Waspinator something*
Waspinator: Maybe they want the longsword back!
Rand: Longsword? We stole war plans and an airship! Not a longsword.
Waspinator: No, I mean the ship. It's called the longsword and it's the flagship of their airship fleet!
Everyone
Rand: We just dropped the prison soap didn't we?
DM: Yep :D
Musashi and Yumei searched below and discovered something:
Musashi: Our cannons have no ammunition!
Rand: Sh*t.
Musashi: Maybe we can shoot Waspinator at them!
Rand: Yeah, but we only have one Waspinator and there are 6 airships pursuing us. Okay, everyone search your inventory for anything that can be launched out of a Cannon.
Turns out, that we had a bag of tricks. As luck would have it, it only summoned bears. To make a long story short, we loaded the cannons with bears and FIRED THEM AT THE PURSUING AIRSHIPS! We laughed about 20 minutes straight.
DM: okay, add "Cruelty to animals" to your list of atrocities.
Rand (OOC): Wait, did that stop them?
DM: *Rolls* Actually, no. A loud series of splats erupt through the air as Bears smash into the hulls of the enemy ships.
Musashi: Plan B then?
...we loaded the cannons with bears and FIRED THEM AT THE PURSUING AIRSHIPS!...
*headdesk*
Anyone who has seen "How To Kill a Mockingbird" is having flashbacks about now.
The party was on an island town where the ports had been locked down under mysterious circumstances and we needed to find a way to get to the mainland. While investigating at the port, we encountered a male Drow who was ranting at the cops about his rights being infringed upon. Later, while in the tavern, this Drow shows up really angry and starts drinking heavily.
Xander: "Don't do anything stupid, OK?"
Drow: "Why would you think I would? Because I'm Drow?"
Xander: "No, because you look stupid."
Xander later further cemented his brilliance by using Burning Blade on his unarmed strikes in the nonlethal barfight that followed. My character needed to make four Diplomacy checks to stop him from being carted off to jail.
Of course, mere hours later he was arrested for cussing out a newspaper boy in the street, and then arrested again for saying he was going to kill said newspaper boy in court.
The player's excuse was that he was tired. But, yes, it's a shameful moment in roleplaying.
Almost as shameful as another incident:
Player 1 was the 7th player to sign up for a mod. Player 2 was #6. Player 2 was interested in playing a different mod that day, and player 1 wanted to play, otherwise he'd have come out to the gaming shop for nothing. Thus, they converse.
Player 2: "I'll switch to the other table if you give me 25 bucks."
Pleyer 1: "No way! I'm not paying you 25 bucks just to play! I'd pay you 10, but not 25!"
Player 2: "Damn, it would have been easy money too."
Time passes...
Player 2: "Wait, are you serious about paying me 10 buck just to play?"
Player 1: "Yes, I am."
Player 2: "Give me the 10 bucks and we have a deal!"
Player 1: *Hands over the 10 bucks and gets to play the mod.*
DM, to Player 1: "You might not want to mention this too much or people will start to think you're stupid. Oh, wait, they already do!"
Player 1: "Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."
Ironically, or perhaps thankfully, given the party composition and the mod that was run that day, Player 1's character was vital in preventing a TPK.
Anyone who has seen "How To Kill a Mockingbird" is having flashbacks about now.
I'm going to guess you actually just meant "To Kill a Mockingbird", since the book doesn't actually say "how" in the title. (It doesn't MEAN how either -- The title comes from the line, "Mockingbirds don’t do anything but make music for us to enjoy... That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird." It's the sin of harming an innocent.)
It's been a long time since I read that book (7th grade, I believe), so my memory is probably faulty -- I don't remember the famous bears-in-cannons scene from TKM.
I'm going to guess you actually just meant "To Kill a Mockingbird", since the book doesn't actually say "how" in the title. (It doesn't MEAN how either -- The title comes from the line, "Mockingbirds don’t do anything but make music for us to enjoy... That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird." It's the sin of harming an innocent.)
It's been a long time since I read that book (7th grade, I believe), so my memory is probably faulty -- I don't remember the famous bears-in-cannons scene from TKM.
I just assumed he was talking about a parody... and it's been a while since I've read it as well. Was a character named Bear? I can't recall.
I'm going to guess you actually just meant "To Kill a Mockingbird", since the book doesn't actually say "how" in the title. (It doesn't MEAN how either -- The title comes from the line, "Mockingbirds don’t do anything but make music for us to enjoy... That’s why it’s a sin to kill a mockingbird." It's the sin of harming an innocent.)
It's been a long time since I read that book (7th grade, I believe), so my memory is probably faulty -- I don't remember the famous bears-in-cannons scene from TKM.
This one, perhaps?
http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/mockingbird
LG knight played by someone who has NEVER EVER played lawful good before.
the party is crouched behind trees/in bushes, hiding but the knight being a knight isn't gonna go for this 'skulking cowardly crap'
he stands, goes over to the orcs/hobgoblins and points to the rest of the party 'yea they're right over there, behind the trees. they wanted to ambush you instead of fighting a fair battle. they're RIGHT THERE'
me: LAWFUL GOOD DOES NOT MEAN LAWFUL STUPID!!!
Azaru, half-orc ghul barbarian, OOC: "You know guys, you might think that some of my character concepts are a bit out there, but I do have boundaries I don't cross. For example, whenever I start with 100 gold pieces worth of equipment, I'm always tempted to invest in trade goods. Specifically, wheat. With 100 pounds of wheat to the coin, my PC can proudly shout "I AM THE KING OF WHEAT MOUNTAIN!". Fun, but perhaps a bit unsuitable for gritty Sigil gang wars."
Also, an interesting discussion was had after the level 2 wizard/psion of the party; "Pheonix Gray" (his own spelling), was beaten into unconsciousness by thugs for the 3rd or 4th time. This time, it was an act of vengeance by Small ooze paraelementals for his gruesome attacks on their kindred garbage spirits. Even though he lost the fight, he still gained sufficient experience to level up. This eventually led to the following:
Azaru OOC: "As you lie in the gutter covered in faintly acidic slime, you feel your intense humiliation growing in intensity. Eventually, it permeates your entire being, and you find a revelation in it, unlocking even greater mental might. You draw power from your humiliation! Soon you will have the strength to be even more thoroughly humiliated by more potent foes and draw even more power from that!"
Barbarian: Hulk Smash!!! OR Care for a spot of tea?
Bard: Kill, Kill, Kill the stupid Kobolds.
Cleric: I'm more than just a walking bandaid.
Druid: NOOOOOOO!!! NOT A POLYMORPH NERF!!!!!!!
Fighter: 10 years of training to stand in front of a spellcaster. OY!
Monk: 10 years of training and still the fighter does more damage with a club. Great.
Paladin: Die Evildoer!!
Ranger: I'm a very hateful person.
Rogue: For the last time, I didn't take your wallet!!
Sorcerer: Hey wizard, do you need some help with those spellbooks?
Wizard: NO!!!! Hey fighter, could you help me carry my spellbooks?
Psion: For the last time, I manifest powers. I DO NOT cast spells.
Psychic warrior: I can kick the fighter's ass.
Soulknife: Light goes on, Light goes off. Light goes on, Light goes off.
Wilder: WTF am I supposed to be?
Spellthief: Thanks for the power, friends.
Ninja: Now you see me. . .
Scout: No, I will not hold still.
Swashbuckler: I shall slay you with my keen footwork and razor intellect.
Samurai: Screw this, I'm gonna take ranger levels.
Hexblade: I might be a paladin wannabe, but at least I've got style.
Spirit Shaman: Yes Casper, I appreciate the healing spell.
Wu Jen: Fire fire fire fire....
Shugenja: There are definately 2,402 sources of earth in this cave. Definitely.
Warmage: Fear my perfection in the art of blasting. Forgive my suckness in almost everything else.
Warlock: Your out of spells? Too bad!
Beguiler: Would I lie to you?
Dragon Shaman: I'll join up with you guys if you ditch the paladin.
Knight: At least I'm not a paladin.
Duskblade: I'M NOT BROKEN!! At least, not completely.
Commoner: Do I suck, or what? OR at least I have spot and listen as class skills.
Awesome!
Awesome!
Yeah to bad he is missing some.
Archivist: Hey Bard are you the Divine Variant? Never mind here comes the Warlock.
Artificer: Magic Items for sale or trade.
Swordsage: Sorry Monk, I just have more style.
Crusader: Sorry Paladin, I just have more style.
Warlord: Fighters Suck! They really, really Suck!
I am sure I can figure out more if I have time.
...Am I the only one who has no idea what he's talking about?
Nope.
PC1:
Yeah to bad he is missing some.
Archivist: Hey Bard are you the Divine Variant? Never mind here comes the Warlock.
Artificer: Magic Items for sale or trade.
Swordsage: Sorry Monk, I just have more style.
Crusader: Sorry Paladin, I just have more style.
Warlord: Fighters Suck! They really, really Suck!
I am sure I can figure out more if I have time.
Hey, give me some credit! I only stopped because my sig was full.
Frenzied Berserker: Waaaah, I broke the wizard!
Drunken Master: It's all fun and games until the hangover!
Dervish: If you call me a girly man ONE MORE TIME...
Hunter of the dead: Do you know how many people I've had to rebury?
Justicair: I AM THE LAW! or Yeah, I am just a glorified city guard.
Master Thrower: Let's see, 15 knives, 8 throwing axes, 100 shuriken, 17 hammers, 13 alchemist's fires, 10 acid flasks, 5 tanglefoot bags, 9 holy waters and 2 darts. I hope I don't run out of weapons again! OR: How much damage does a gnome do?
Mind Spy: I know what you're thinking and no, my butt does not itch too. OR: AUGH! I didn't need to see that thought!
Cragtop Archer: He's only a mile away, I can easily hit him from here!
Rage Mage: HULK CAST AND SMASH!
Tattoed Monk: Dude, check out this cool tat I just got! OR: I can't show you my tattoos in public.
Combat Trapsmith: Could you take two 5 foot steps to your right Mr. Orc?
Fortune's Friend: I'd be luckier if my player rolled a few less ones.
Mountebank: I'm perfect for a guy with split personalities. OR: Okay, so I came as the wrong alter ego, I'll buy a notebook to keep it from happening again if we can escape the King's Army!
Acolyte of the Skin: Lotion, face cream, they're not enough. I still have acne!
Alienist: No, I will not try to probe you in your sleep!
Elemental Savant: It's only one glaring weakness!
Enlightened Fist: I'll enlighten you by planting my fist upside your head!
Initiate of the Sevenfold Veil: Eeek! Don't touch me! OR: Look at the pretty rainbow!
Mindbender: Oh hush, you knew he was bent before I made him my thrall.
Seeker of the Song: Wait, didn't I have to find the song so I could take this class? What gives?
Seeker of the Misty Isle: It's not the destination, it's the journey. Yes I'm serious. Stop laughing, I'm not kidding!
Wayfarer Guide: I keep telling you, we're not lost! OR: You know that Isle you're looking for? You have to travel north from the Cursed City of Damned Souls, across the Mountains of Death, through the Fields of Venom, Past the Amazon's Realm and then under the Floating Castle of Nightmares. There, you will find the entrance to your precious, precious Isle. Good luck!
Abjurant Champion: Unlike the Duskblade, I AM broken. OR: I am rivaled only by the frenzied berserker.
Enlightened Spirit: So now I'm a good douche instead of an evil douche. Nice!
Ultimate Magus: The "ultimate" makes me l337! OR: Just wait until I hit 8th level!
Unseen Seer: I make the Arcane Trickster cry!
Arcane Trickster: No, the unseen seer actually makes me very happy. OR: At least I'm better than the magical trickster.
Cerebremancer: No, that's not a spell, that's a mind trick. THIS is a spell!
Thrallherd: Go my minions!
Dread Necromancer: Go my legion of undead!
Chameleon: Let's see... what was I again? Darnit, I forgot. *falls into a pit* Ooh, I found a trap! That must mean I'm the trapfinder today! ...****.
Red Wizard of Thay: No I can NOT cast healing spells!
Arcane Archer: Also, I can enchant arrows...
Thaumaturgist: Summon, summon, summon!
Drow Paragon: Aaahhh the light! It hurrrtsss... NOT!
I got some too.
Cerebremancer: No, that's not a spell, that's a mind trick. THIS is a spell!
Thrallherd: Go my minions!
Dread Necromancer: Go my legion of undead!
Chameleon: Let's see... what was I again? Darnit, I forgot. *falls into a pit* Ooh, I found a trap! That must mean I'm the trapfinder today! ...****.
Red Wizard of Thay: No I can NOT cast healing spells!
Arcane Archer: Also, I can enchant arrows...
Thaumaturgist: Summon, summon, summon!
Drow Paragon: Aaahhh the light! It hurrrtsss... NOT!
I only have one at the moment to add to this
Vigilante: Da na na na na na na na Batman!
But we will never give up till we get it! BTW the s are still available to the first to get the name of our group. "Group W bench 2" or GWB2.Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 10 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10) A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 10 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
We defeated the airships by loading the cannons with oil and having Sarevok fireball the oil soaked ships.
Rand: Why the hell didn't we think of this first?
Everyone: *Looks at him like he's gone crazy*
Rand: Oh, right. Never mind then.
Rand started to pilot the ship for 2 uneventful days, we were flying over our home city when waspinator found something in the engine room.
DM: You see writing on the side of one of the propeller engines.
Waspinator: What's it say?
DM:
Waspinator: Uh oh.
DM: It says, "I prepared explosive runes today" :evillaugh
Everyone at once: Oh sh*t!
The propeller exploded, and we crashed in the middle of the town square.
We were taken in front of the king. He was pleased that we brought the plans, but still rather ****** that we destroyed a large portion of the city.
King: What the hell happened?
Rand: We ran out of coal. *Bluff of 21*
King: Then what about the explosion?
Rand: We tried using oil next.
King: Wouldn't that just burn?
Rand: uh... the gunpowder was stored in the engine room? :D
King: Then why didn't the whole ship blow up?
Rand: They were very small barrels.
Hehehehehehe.
In one of my games, the group had the choice between the slow ship and a pirate cutter full of "Faaaaaaabulous" pirates who wore far too many frills in much too bright colors.
One of them told my dwarf, "Honey, you should SEE what my friends can do with that beard..."
Imagine my horror when the rest of the group insisted on the fast ship...
Because challenging established ideas of masculine and feminine behavior is such a horror?
Because challenging established ideas of masculine and feminine behavior is such a horror?
Or just because his dwarf didn't want his beard messed with like that. Dwarves are very protective of their facial hair. Their constitution scores are so high because they'd rather get hit in combat than have someone touch the beard without permission.
SO we're in a town, and come up to a halfling. One player asks "Are you some sort of dwarf-elf? or gnome-elf"
"no, I'm a halfling!"
so I say "what is a ling?" being a wild elf, and knowing their are half breeds, like half-elves.
the halfling responds "what do you mean?"
"well, if you're half a human and half a ling, what is a ling?"
we laffed for about 5 minutes =)
Player 1: "I stop and wave my arms at him, yelling, 'We come in peace, we mean no harm!'"
DM: "The black dragon glares at you and breathes acid."
Player 1: "What? I said we meant no harm!"
Player 2: "Maybe he thought you were trying to cast a spell at him?"
Player 1: "Why would he think THAT?"
Player 2: "You did wave your arms at him."
Player 1: "I WAVED my arms and yelled WE COME IN PEACE! I didn't go ABRACADABRA HOCUS POCUS WE COME IN PEACE I'M NOT CASTING A SPELL ALAKAZAM!!" (waving hands in an arcane pattern)
*****
DM: "You tumble off the edge, and grind to a stop with a sickening screech, as the crevice narrows down a bit lower. You are now wedged in the crack in the earth. Your Full Plate armor is now dented up and badly scratched, and your legs are kicking helplessly in the air."
Paladin with 8 INT: "Damn! I just had it waxed and polished too! Now I no longer projects a mighty image of power to my enemies!"
Rogue: "No! Now you project a comical image of buffoonery to your allies!"
*****
DM: "The tribal chieftain asks you whether you are ready to face the Test of the Man. Whether you are ready to engage in the most deadly challenge ever performed by his people. The challenge that all tribals must face if they wish to become true hunters."
Paladin with 8 INT: "I am ready to prove my worth to these backwater yokels."
DM: "The chieftain nods and claps his hands. With great ceremony, two youths walk out of the tent carrying an ornately decorated plate. There is an ornate pattern picked out in ebony and ivory on its surface, a pattern of black and white alternating squares, eight across and eight deep. Two more youths carry with them ornately carved bowls, one of which contains a set of small ebony discs with a crown engraved on one side and a star on the other. The other bowl contains a set of identical discs, except that these are made out of ivory and you realize, to your horror, that you are now expected to play a game of checkers. TO THE DEATH."
Because challenging established ideas of masculine and feminine behavior is such a horror?
He's a dwarf, didn't like that idea much.
And obviously I'm being hyperbolic when I say horror.
And stop thinking so hard about the joke.
We still have no rogue mage approval
*SNIP*.
It is from the Arlo Guthry song Alice's Restaurant Massacree. It is the bench he was sent to with all the others who went fit enough, moral enough, or crazy enough to join the US Military to blow up men, women and children.
We still have no rogue mage approval
Alice's Restaurant?
I know the song (I always thought of it more as a rant), but I am afraid I don't get the number 2.
I think the 2 would be their version of the bench... Or I could be blowing smoke... Who knows.
The actual name of the song is Alice's Restaurant Massacree. the name of the album is Alice's Restaurant.
I think the 2 would be their version of the bench... Or I could be blowing smoke... Who knows.
That's what I get for never bothering to read the names of the songs playing
And I thought the 2 might have something to do with that as well, but I didn't want to assume :D
Oh, and as to not spam:
"No Pa! We are not going to collect 'protection money' from the villagers!"
The actual name of the song is Alice's Restaurant Massacree. the name of the album is Alice's Restaurant.
I think the 2 would be their version of the bench... Or I could be blowing smoke... Who knows.
That's correct, we're the mother r*pers, the father murderers, and the mother murderers and the father r*pers:D Twiddle gets the cookies though.
*Edit* oops my bad. The cookies go to Zantumal.
The actual name of the song is Alice's Restaurant Massacree. the name of the album is Alice's Restaurant.
I think the 2 would be their version of the bench... Or I could be blowing smoke... Who knows.
Version...? I assumed it meant "the second bench in section W"...
Though we will not stop!The cast:
*We all leveled up last night, but this was after the events so this is the level we were at when it all happened.*
Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 10 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10) A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 10 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
After a couple of days, our city was attacked by the enemy, (The King was clearly still ****** about the whole turnip fiasco.) In an epic battle, we were seperated into three groups in order to defend the three openings in the wall (We opened them deliberately in order to let the enemy in so we could kill them.) Mystina and Musashi took the south side, Rand and Sarevok took the east, and Waspinator and Yumei took the north. Wacky hi jinx ensured from all sides
Waspinator and Yumei:
DM: you see at least 30 foot soldiers charging towards the hole in the wall.
Waspinator: I throw all my oil flasks at the ground in front of them.
DM: *Rolls a series of low scores* :OMG! In a scene reminiscent of "Home Alone", the entire platoon slips and falls on their backsides.
Rand and Sarevok:
DM: Around 30 foot soldiers are charging towards you.
Rand: *Points behind them* LOOK A THREE-HEADED MONKEY!
DM:
roll bluffRand: *Natural 20*
DM: :OMG! *Rolls 30 failed sense motives*
they all stop in their tracks and look behind them. Sarevok: Fireball.
It killed all of them,
DM: You know, you could have just fireballed them without all that three-headed monkey sh*t.
Rand: It's more fun this way.
Musashi and Mystina:
DM: At least 50 soldiers are charging towards you.
Musashi: 50? the others got 30!
DM: Yeah, well you saw how they dealt with their group.
Musashi: I go into the Pearl of black doubt stance and use mountain Avalanche as I charge screaming "BLOOD FOR BISHAMONTEN!"
DM: *Sighs* *rolls 43 misses.* *Rolls damage* The enemy forces is trampled to the ground by one warblade that looks like Toshiro Mifune while you take minimal damage
DM (To everyone): Congrats guys and girls, you've successfully powergamed your way out of a battle more epic than helms deep
Musashi: Business as usual then.
OK, I think there is enough here to give the topic a Thread of its own. What do you say to the title of 'Quirky One Line Descriptions'? We could start with classes and move in to Races, Feats and Equipment. Hariman should be the host as it started with his Sig.
I make no promises to maintain the thread, but I'll start it. Everyone else is responsible for adding their own One Liner Class Descriptions.
Oh, yeah.
Expert: I'm good for something!
The "One Liner Class Descriptions" thread can be found here.
Rogue: I'm delivering the poisonings for the king's banquet... uhhh, did I say "poisonings"? I meant "persimmons"! Really! You know, the yellow fruit things... uh, or are they orange? Umm... *begins backing away*
Needless to say, the next adventure consisted of a jailbreak...
The further adventures of Group W Bench 2. With no Rogue mage approval
The cast:
*We all leveled up last night, but this was after the events so this is the level we were at when it all happened.*
Me: Musashi, lvl 10 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 10 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer (Actually not really, but he's the equivalent of lvl 10) A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 6/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 10 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 10 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
After a couple of days, our city was attacked by the enemy, (The King was clearly still ****** about the whole turnip fiasco.) In an epic battle, we were seperated into three groups in order to defend the three openings in the wall (We opened them deliberately in order to let the enemy in so we could kill them.) Mystina and Musashi took the south side, Rand and Sarevok took the east, and Waspinator and Yumei took the north. Wacky hi jinx ensured from all sides
Waspinator and Yumei:
DM: you see at least 30 foot soldiers charging towards the hole in the wall.
Waspinator: I throw all my oil flasks at the ground in front of them.
DM: *Rolls a series of low scores* :OMG! In a scene reminiscent of "Home Alone", the entire platoon slips and falls on their backsides.
Rand and Sarevok:
DM: Around 30 foot soldiers are charging towards you.
Rand: *Points behind them* LOOK A THREE-HEADED MONKEY!
DM:
Rand: *Natural 20*
DM: :OMG! *Rolls 30 failed sense motives*
Sarevok: Fireball.
It killed all of them,
DM: You know, you could have just fireballed them without all that three-headed monkey sh*t.
Rand: It's more fun this way.
Musashi and Mystina:
DM: At least 50 soldiers are charging towards you.
Musashi: 50? the others got 30!
DM: Yeah, well you saw how they dealt with their group.
Musashi: I go into the Pearl of black doubt stance and use mountain Avalanche as I charge screaming "BLOOD FOR BISHAMONTEN!"
DM: *Sighs* *rolls 43 misses.* *Rolls damage* The enemy forces is trampled to the ground one warblade that looks like Toshiro Mifune while you take minimal damage
DM (To everyone): Congrats guys and girls, you've successfully powergamed your way out of a battle more epic than helms deep
Musashi: Business as usual then.
Wow.... How can I join your group!
Wow.... How can I join your group!
Memorize the book of nine swords and move to Los Angeles
Though we will not stop!The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
After Several rounds of combat in our epic battle, this happened:
DM: An armored man carrying a blue glowing Bastard sword rides toward Musashi, he hops off his horse, takes off his helmet and points his sword at your throat.
Musashi: What's he look like?
DM: Rutger Hauer.
Musashi: Oh, hell yeah!
A long sword fight erupted, eventually Musashi came out victorious, though rather wounded.
Mystina: Need some healing?
Musashi: No way! I'm not as think as you hurt I am.
Mystina: What?
Musashi: Yes Please.
After winning the battle, we were regarded as heroes.
Sarevok: It's amazing, we actually did something right!
Musashi: Can I say it?
Rand: *sigh* fine.
Musashi: It's almost as if we knew what we were doing!
Unfortunately, we spent most of the reward on fixing our airship. after a while, we were forced into doing another mission, as the king was assassinated during our victory banquet. We managed to catch the assassin, and found out where he came from. After days by airship we came across his home base, a secluded mansion in the middle of a desert. We landed and spoke with the Gatekeeper
Gatekeeper: I am Torgo! I take care of the place while the Master's Away!
Everyone:
:headexplo *Pelts DM With Snacks and Dice.*It appears the DM is subjecting us to the horrors of that movie again. Rest assured, the Master's getting the full GWB2 treatment. Details will be posted as they come up
These are a few moments from my latest campaign. It was fun.
I was playing a Human Cleric of Ilmater, Jennifer Milon, and I'd based her somewhat on the Cadfael character from Ellis Peters' novels of the same name. (Good books. Good inspiration for D&D. If you like murder mysteries, go read 'em. I cannot recommend them highly enough.) A mostly-pacifistic support character with 18 in WIS and *INT*, thanks to some lucky rolls. Everyone thought she was a Healer.
Ricky was playing Neo'tarus, Neo for short, a Wood Elf Ranger with a rabid hatred of Drow, Demons, Abberations and, for some strange reason, cats. He wound up prompting Jen and Milly to form Faerun's first RSPCA in Neverwinter. However, he was a damnably capable character and genuinely gave a rats proverbial about the rest of the party. He took a few levels of Barbarian, and saved his Rages for when someone really hurt a fellow party member.
Sam (FEMALE Sam!!) played a semi-insane Halfling Rogue called Millennia, aka Milly. She reminded me of a spastic Kender, but the player has no idea what Kender are. She loved animals, shinies and ale, in that order. Strangely, she and Jen got alone reeeeeeally well. Probably because Jen healed her wounds, got her out of trouble, and once literally pulled her halfing backside out of a pit that led straight to the Abyss.
Josh played a cynical, sarcastic Human Warlock called Marius who'd been given his powers by a bored Fay, which meant that every now and again he had to make a Will save or play a prank. And of course, he always failed at the worst possible times. He was a good person at heart, but the cynicism had a habit of getting in the way of other people seeing that.
Beware. Smilies are fun late at night.
Jen finally does something aggressive in combat!
Third session. Party takes on a creepy-as-the-Nine-Hells Warmage from a pair of assassins sent after Sir Beneforth, our sponsor from the Neverwinter Nine. To this point, Jen has not attacked ONCE.
Milly: Just... give... me... your... shinies!
Neo (OOC): I'm adding smarmy Warmage to my favoured enemy list next level.
Marius: For the love of the gods, heal me!
Jen: Uh... Oh dear.
Marius: You have got to be kidding me.
DM: You'd better do something.
Jen (OOC): Bollocks. *checks character sheet* Double bollocks.
Milly (OOC): If you don't save our butts, I'm removing your Coke priviledges.
Jen: Ilmater guide my hand! *rolls three consecutive 20s*
DM: You... you just crushed his skull. Your first
attack in three damn sessions and you KILLED HIM!Entire Party:
Jen: Wow. I didn't know I could do that.
Neo: *looks at Marius* She's mine, boy.
Milly (OOC): Get this girl a Coke!
Jen (OOC): Caffiene!
Marius (OOC): I think we found her motivator.
Marius fails a save at the worst possible time.
Later in Session Three. The party goes to get commended by Nasher. Wewt! Until...
DM: Marius, you feel a sudden urge to cause some havoc.
Entire Party:
Marius (OOC): Oh hells. 1.
DM: You give in to the urge just as you're walking into Nasher's throne room.
Marius (OOC): Invisibility Potion!
Milly:
He... disappeared...Neo: Whu?
Milly: Marius went bye-bye...
Jen:
DM: *snip long speech about heroism and so forth, promising to reward us handsomely*
Marius (OCC): I pants Sir Nevalle! :D (Nasher's right-hand man, for those not familiar with NWN2)
Milly and Jen: :D
Neo:
Nevalle, Nasher, and half the nobles of Neverwinter:
DM as Nasher: Your reward will be my not having you flogged across the entire city!
Party:
Neo is rather... direct...
Session six. Undead time. Classic Zombie-fest. I'd been buffing up my Turn Undead with a few feats, and it proved to be a good decision.
DM: The swarm of zombies closes in around you. For every one you slay, two take its place. You're being forced back towards the unpleasantly glowing pit.
Milly: I don't wanna go back to the Abyss! The demons won't let me take their shinies! Plus the ale is nasty.
Marius: ...When were you in the Abyss?
DM: Balance checks.
Jen (OOC): 19. Wewt.
Neo (OOC): 17. No way I'm falling down that hole.
Marius (OOC): Pity I can't fly yet, but... 20! YES!
Milly (OOC):
1. I hate that rule.DM: *exasperated sigh* Just make your Reflex save.
Milly (OOC): 27 had better
pass, buddy.DM: Milly slips, but manages to grab onto the rough edge of the pit before she can fall too far.
Milly: MUMMY!
Neo: We're
Marius: I wish I could fly right about now.
Jen: Ilmater, end their suffering! TURN UNDEAD! *rolls the maximum possible on every single die*
DM: :OMG! Every single zombie explodes into a shower of dust!
Neo and Marius: Kick-ass!
Jen (OOC): I'm gonna haul Milly out of the pit now.
Milly: I'm gonna buy you enough ale to drown in!
Jen: Hon, I don't drink, remember?
Milly: Then I'LL drink it!
Neo: Hey Jen, did you take a vow of chastity?
Jen: Noooooo...
Neo: Good, because when we get back to town we're gonna
for a week. That was HOT.Everyone else:
Jen:
Not long after the above...
Marius: *staggers down the stairs, collapses into a chair next to Milly, and orders a shot of a local brew called Lemming*
Milly:
Are you trying to die?Marius: I... just walked in... on... oh gods! MORE LEMMING!
Milly: Go Jen!
Marius: I'm surprised we can't hear them down here.
Neo (OOC): Who says you can't?
DM: I did not need that mental image.
Jen (OOC): Clerics do it on their knees! *I got clobbered over the head with a DMG for that*
Those are just what I can remember off the top of my head. Pity none of the murder mystery stuff was particularly memorable quote-wise, cause it was fun.
You need to know little, except that the Kuni Shugenja is something of a BS queen, except that she never manages to pull it off. And we're Crab Clan samurai with an oooooooooolllllld mentor who's dying and who asked us which of his blades we wanted to inherit. But you know, he said it awesome-noble-dying-samurai-style.
Hida Bushi (Me): I ask my wise sensei for permission to bear the blade of his wife, who was as a beloved mother to me. (<--- Actually True!)
Hiruma Scout: Sensei, I request that I be permitted to carry the blade you forged to defend the lands of my fathers, that I can hold back the tide of the Shadowlands.
Kuni Shugenja: *one helluva-long BS speech about nobility and honour that basically said 'I want the enchanted war-fan!*
Old Master: You have all spoken well, and your requests will be granted. *beckons the Shugenja closer* My dear child, a little less excrement of the Oni next time.
Party:
Just a little off topic randomness.
Cast -
Osaka - LE Female Human Warlock, enjoys fighting, mocking others, and frequent coffee breaks.
Al - LN Male Warforged Wizard, hates his life.
Mac - CN Male Human Ninja, unexplainably Scottish...
Jeff - CG Male Human Paladin, forced by his god to lead the group.
The party was in a pit fight against a high level Fighter. Mac had been knocked out, and Al was armless. As Jeff was fighting solo, Osaka stops helping to take a coffee break. Just before the fighter killed him, he stopped to gloat.
Fighter: Any last words?
Jeff: Just two.
Osaka:(interrupting) Finger Bang. *Points hand like a gun and Eldritch Blasts Fighter into unconsciousness.*
As a reward, they were given the honor of naming a bridge. (Don't ask.)
King: It needs a name that reflects strength, heroism, and glory. I suggest Mildred.
In the end, it was decided to call it...
King: The Great William Shatner Bridge!
Osaka: Damn straight.
Patch - CN female changeling rogue. Tries to be charming and friendly. For some reason changes her gender to neuter before going to sleep.
Seeker - CN "male" psiforged psion. Despises humans. Doubles as food taster and poison detector due the immunity against poisons.
Gavin - CN male human fighter. Paranoid and talks to his swords. Former forest bandit.
The party was dining at The Flying Fox Inn. For some reason they were extremely paranoid about the food.
Show
Patch: Patch smells the meat pie, smiling.
Seeker: Seeker tears off a small portion of the chicken meat and puts it in his mouth, seeing if he can taste any poison.
Patch: Patch tears off a peice of the crust, and eats it, chewing slowly and enjoying it
Patch: “So, any poison, Seeker?”
DM: Surprisingly enough, the food doesn't seem to contain any poison.
Seeker: “None. It is safe to eat.”
Patch (OOC): :P the sarcasm is dripping.
Patch: Patch pushes the stew toward Seeker.
DM: Looks like the innkeeper didn't have anything against Gavin... yet.
Gavin: Gavin offers the mug to Seeker.
Patch: “Here, you like to study things, right?”
Gavin: “Just in case.”
Seeker: Seeker takes a sip.
Gavin: Gavin takes the chicken
Patch: Patch sips her milk, happily.
Gavin: “It be chicken alright.”
Gavin: “Haven't had any in years.”
Gavin: Gavin digs in.
DM (OOC): I think that poisoning your patrons would be bad for your business :D
Patch: “No chickens in the forest, I take it.”
Seeker (OOC): Most likely, but you never know.
Gavin (OOC): Rest assured my good DM. The Innkeeper will want to burn me when the day is done.
Patch: Patch pokes a finger into the meat portion of the pie, examining it.
Seeker: Seeker hands the mug back to Gavin. "No harmful substances in this liquid, Gavin."
DM: The meat looks minced.
Gavin: “No chifckens no.” Gavin says his mouth full of chicken. “A loth owf whabbits thoughf.”
Patch: Patch sucks on the finger, examining the taste.
Gavin: “Thankfs” Gavin says taking the mug.
Gavin: He drinks deep to flush all the chicken down.
DM: The pie tastes good. The maker must really know how to make one.
Seeker: “My thanks, Patch.” Seeker then says and starts examining the pie.
Patch: Deciding it to be very tasty, Patch takes a big bite out of the pie, dribbling sauce.
Gavin: “You can never be too careful when it comes to these things.” Gavin says wiping his mouth
Gavin: “How's the pie?” Gavin asks.
Patch: “It's really good- but the meat tastes a little different.”
Patch: “I think it's a spice or something.”
Gavin: “Pie is of devil's design. You can never know what is in it.”
Patch: Patch laughs. “Demon pie!”
Seeker: “He speaks truth. For all you know, it could be a human in it.” Seeker says, not taking his eyes away from the pie he is studying.
Patch: Patch grins. “It's all meat, isn't it?”
Gavin: Gavin pokes his dirty finger in the pie.
Patch: “Maybe you should taste it, Seeker. You might learn something.”
Gavin: “Seems alright to me.”
Patch: Patch groans.
Gavin: Gavin pokes it a few more times just to be sure.
Patch: “Man, Gavin, I was eating that!”
Gavin: “I just wanted to make sure it wasn't explosive.”
Patch: “You got your gross little fingers in the sauce, too!”
Gavin: “These daemon pies can be tricky.”
Seeker: “Get your finger out of the pie. It contaminates it, making it inedible for her. Correct, Patch?”
Patch: Patch laughs. “Naw, it's just gross.”
Gavin: “Contaminates pfft” Gavin says wiping his finger on his pants’ leg making it even dirtier. “My fingers are clean as ever.”
Patch: “You are so gross, Gavin.”
Patch: Patch eats part of the pie that wasn't poked.
Seeker: Seeker takes a small part of the pie and eats it.
Gavin: “There is no room for manners in the wild.”
DM (OOC): So Patch just decided that the pie tastes strange? :D
Patch: “We're not in the wild, Gavin.”
Patch: Patch gives up on the now-dirty pie, and begins to devour the stew.
Patch (OOC): Anything odd about the stew?
DM (OOC): No.
DM (OOC): It is stew.
Patch (OOC): Okay.
DM (OOC): It doesn't hold the secrets of the universe.
Seeker: Seeker tears off a small portion of the chicken meat and puts it in his mouth, seeing if he can taste any poison.
Patch: Patch tears off a peice of the crust, and eats it, chewing slowly and enjoying it
Patch: “So, any poison, Seeker?”
DM: Surprisingly enough, the food doesn't seem to contain any poison.
Seeker: “None. It is safe to eat.”
Patch (OOC): :P the sarcasm is dripping.
Patch: Patch pushes the stew toward Seeker.
DM: Looks like the innkeeper didn't have anything against Gavin... yet.
Gavin: Gavin offers the mug to Seeker.
Patch: “Here, you like to study things, right?”
Gavin: “Just in case.”
Seeker: Seeker takes a sip.
Gavin: Gavin takes the chicken
Patch: Patch sips her milk, happily.
Gavin: “It be chicken alright.”
Gavin: “Haven't had any in years.”
Gavin: Gavin digs in.
DM (OOC): I think that poisoning your patrons would be bad for your business :D
Patch: “No chickens in the forest, I take it.”
Seeker (OOC): Most likely, but you never know.
Gavin (OOC): Rest assured my good DM. The Innkeeper will want to burn me when the day is done.
Patch: Patch pokes a finger into the meat portion of the pie, examining it.
Seeker: Seeker hands the mug back to Gavin. "No harmful substances in this liquid, Gavin."
DM: The meat looks minced.
Gavin: “No chifckens no.” Gavin says his mouth full of chicken. “A loth owf whabbits thoughf.”
Patch: Patch sucks on the finger, examining the taste.
Gavin: “Thankfs” Gavin says taking the mug.
Gavin: He drinks deep to flush all the chicken down.
DM: The pie tastes good. The maker must really know how to make one.
Seeker: “My thanks, Patch.” Seeker then says and starts examining the pie.
Patch: Deciding it to be very tasty, Patch takes a big bite out of the pie, dribbling sauce.
Gavin: “You can never be too careful when it comes to these things.” Gavin says wiping his mouth
Gavin: “How's the pie?” Gavin asks.
Patch: “It's really good- but the meat tastes a little different.”
Patch: “I think it's a spice or something.”
Gavin: “Pie is of devil's design. You can never know what is in it.”
Patch: Patch laughs. “Demon pie!”
Seeker: “He speaks truth. For all you know, it could be a human in it.” Seeker says, not taking his eyes away from the pie he is studying.
Patch: Patch grins. “It's all meat, isn't it?”
Gavin: Gavin pokes his dirty finger in the pie.
Patch: “Maybe you should taste it, Seeker. You might learn something.”
Gavin: “Seems alright to me.”
Patch: Patch groans.
Gavin: Gavin pokes it a few more times just to be sure.
Patch: “Man, Gavin, I was eating that!”
Gavin: “I just wanted to make sure it wasn't explosive.”
Patch: “You got your gross little fingers in the sauce, too!”
Gavin: “These daemon pies can be tricky.”
Seeker: “Get your finger out of the pie. It contaminates it, making it inedible for her. Correct, Patch?”
Patch: Patch laughs. “Naw, it's just gross.”
Gavin: “Contaminates pfft” Gavin says wiping his finger on his pants’ leg making it even dirtier. “My fingers are clean as ever.”
Patch: “You are so gross, Gavin.”
Patch: Patch eats part of the pie that wasn't poked.
Seeker: Seeker takes a small part of the pie and eats it.
Gavin: “There is no room for manners in the wild.”
DM (OOC): So Patch just decided that the pie tastes strange? :D
Patch: “We're not in the wild, Gavin.”
Patch: Patch gives up on the now-dirty pie, and begins to devour the stew.
Patch (OOC): Anything odd about the stew?
DM (OOC): No.
DM (OOC): It is stew.
Patch (OOC): Okay.
DM (OOC): It doesn't hold the secrets of the universe.
Gord - Fighter 2 (loves non-standard attacks like tripping and grappling)
Airdan - Cloistered Cleric 2
Shar-ren - Swashbuckler 2
Leon - Hasn't updated his sheet yet (it's an online game)
Dagger - Same as Leon
Our heroes have been thrust into a police chase after a thief on the run ran head first into Gord. Leon managed to catch the young man, but right as the guards caught up, he slipped through Leon's fingers and scaled a nearby building. The guards ask for our help.
Shar, Leon, and Gord all rush to the building, but only Gord is able to actually climb after the thief. Airdan shakes his head and casts Command, so that Gord gets to the top just in time to see the young man running back at him. Thinking quickly, Gord grabs the thief (AoO grapple).
Gord: "I got him, now how do I get him down?"
Shar: "How should I know, you caught him."
Gord notices that there's an awning and a pile of crates conveniently located on the side of this building. He turns to his captive and says with a glint in his eye "Time to be theatrical... if you don't wanna get hurt, I suggest not struggling." Off the edge they go, into the awning and then onto the pile of crates, breaking a number of them.
Airdan: "Gord, for future notice, don't, in Azuth's name, ever do that again."
Gord: "Oh, I fully intend to do that again... if you'd like, you can join me next time. Maybe we can sell tickets for the ride!"
2nd, I promised details:
The further adventures of Group W Bench 2. With no Rogue mage approval Though we will not stop!
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield
Torgo began to show us around, it turned out that we were in a Ballet school, later investigation showed that it was run by witches and warlocks, which led to this outburst:
Musashi: I think you have the wrong movie dude.
(
to the first to identify the movie.)After a while, we decided to do what we always did, kill and burn everything. We burst into the secret room where the Master was having a sermon
Master: How did you find us? How did you know something was amiss?
Musashi: You know, I think it was the Ballet school in the middle of nowhere.
(Later, in combat)
DM: The master begins to chant and prepare a spell.
Rand: I hold Waspinator in front of me and use him as a shield.
DM:
Roll Grapple and ReflexRand: *Succeeds on Both* :D
DM: *Sighs* He shoots a beam of energy at you, at the last minute you hold waspinator in the path of the beam. Waspinator takes 17 damage. You know, you have evasion, you could have dodged.
Rand: Yeah, but we haven't had a good Waspinator moment in a while.
After We killed the Master and his minions, we looted them and split up to loot the entire basement level. We met up after taking everything of value all info exchanged through notes of course.
Sarevok: Well, time to skedaddle!
Rand: Huh? Why? There are at least 3 more floors to loot!
Sarevok: Um, suppose that someone looted the wine cellar, took all the valuable liquor and poured the rest on the floor and set it on fire, probably setting the whole place on fire. How much time do you think we would have before the fire spreads to the front door?
Everyone: :OMG!
Rand: RUN!
Question Kaeam- what is the average intelligence level of your players/characters?
Patch has 14 intelligence, Gavin has 14 and Seeker has 18.
The players themselves are quite smart but tend to do foolish things every now and then. How come?
1st of all, Ark_Kaizer, Paladin's can't be CG.
Incorrect. Unearthed Arcana has Paladin variants for each of the four corner alignments.
Ruprect: A male human peasant (commoner up to be on par with pc classes)
Dag: A male orc barbarian
Tay-saua: an amazon ranger going through her awkward teenage years
The party are in a tavern watching a group of men suspected of being conected to a violent cult that they're hunting down. The group start to become agressive and one of them lunges for a nearby serving wench.
R: I tell them that we're here on behalf of the City Watch, and they're to release the barmaid, drop their weapons annd come with us.
D: I get ready to go into a rage if fighting starts.
T: I try to drag the barmaid to safety.
The thugs go for their weapons, releasing the barmaid in the process.
R: I charge their leader!
D: I rage and charge into the thick of things.
T: I fire my bow at them.
Me: From where your standing, you might hit an inocent or one of your allies.
T: But the barmaid's there (points to min). I dragged her there, remember?
Me: I was thinking of the rest of the party.
T: They're blokes, they don't count!
Incorrect. Unearthed Arcana has Paladin variants for each of the four corner alignments.
oh yeah, forgot about that. My bad
. The cookie is still available BTWIt's supposed to be a classic and all, but it seems to me more like something you'd see on MST3k. That might be just because of the film quality being visibly 70s, but it's sort of... the whole film is so over-the-top and bizarre that it seems like it should be a parody, but it isn't; it takes itself seriously.
Nah, nah. It's a reference to a really ODD late-70s Italian horror film called "Suspiria", which is about an american ballet student who discovers that the prestigious academy she's just joined is a front for a coven of witches (of the satanic cult type).
It's supposed to be a classic and all, but it seems to me more like something you'd see on MST3k. That might be just because of the film quality being visibly 70s, but it's sort of... the whole film is so over-the-top and bizarre that it seems like it should be a parody, but it isn't; it takes itself seriously.
Correct, but it was a great movie. NO COOKIE FOR YOU
!The Current Party
Yoshimo: Lvl 1 Rogue. Klepto
Bob: Lvl 1 Cleric. Noob.
Mook Greenskin: Lvl 1 Barbarian. Canadian.
Rarg: Lvl 1 Rogue/unconscious warrior. Common sense? Nonexistant.
Orill: Lvl 1 dex fighter. Swashbuckler in disguise.
Fallen Heros
Eltan: Lvl 1 elven ranger. Survivalist (In name only apparently, death by fire)
Helion: Lvl 1 human paladin. Descendant of Sun-god, died by fire.
Jiod: Lvl 1 gnomish wizard. Failed Illusionist, death by crossbow bolt.
Gabriel: Lvl 1 elven druid. Naturalist, death by fire.
I managed to unload Dandelo, the minus 2 talking sword of extreme annoyance, onto rarg.
Orill: (To Dandelo) I must warn you, he is more likely to attack non-existant eye's in the wall, than 100 fiends.
Dandelo: Terrific! They may be fiends in disguise!
"I throw the vial at the door."
That's it.
Granted, she is the worst role player we have, but still...
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Nah, nah. It's a reference to a really ODD late-70s Italian horror film called "Suspiria", which is about an american ballet student who discovers that the prestigious academy she's just joined is a front for a coven of witches (of the satanic cult type).
It's supposed to be a classic and all, but it seems to me more like something you'd see on MST3k. That might be just because of the film quality being visibly 70s, but it's sort of... the whole film is so over-the-top and bizarre that it seems like it should be a parody, but it isn't; it takes itself seriously.
From last game session...
The party comes unpon a small hole in the wall, and hear chewing sounds from some distance.
- "I know, we smear the dwarf with vasseline and push him through the hole, but wait, better use BBQ sauce instead as he will probably be eaten on the other side."
This lowlevel party comes upon a bunch of skeletons, and as their characters hasnt realized the bludgeoning bit yet, the fight goes pretty bad, and you hear:
-"We better all just lie down and die, and let those skeletons do the adventuring, we suck at this, we really do."
Correct, but it was a great movie. NO COOKIE FOR YOU
Look dude. honestly you are making the movie worse by extension with your whole getting defensive and backing out on your deal. you offered a cookie for anyone getting the reference then backed out because you didnt like the answer. thats like selling someone a bible then taking it back when they said they are going to burn it. (yes i basically just said
s are the same as bibles)you backing out makes you look like a tempremental child.
"Never give up, even when a paladin is sitting on your head."
Look dude. honestly you are making the movie worse by extension with your whole getting defensive and backing out on your deal. you offered a cookie for anyone getting the reference then backed out because you didnt like the answer. thats like selling someone a bible then taking it back when they said they are going to burn it. (yes i basically just said
you backing out makes you look like a tempremental child.
Someone is taking this thread far too seriously... either that, or I missed some irony...
Someone is taking this thread far too seriously... either that, or I missed some irony...
pet peeves is closer to reality
(yes i basically just said
Blasphemy!
s are way better than Bibles. Bibles give you paper cuts on your lips and gums. And they don't taste as good. And trying to read a chocolate-chip Bible just gets your fingers messy.pet peeves is closer to reality
What's the pet peave? People telling you not to burn books?
I'm not that upset about missing a digital cookie.
It's a playfully ironic thing to say in the first place, offering a nonexistent cookie, and refusing to give one is just as playful.
Eesh.
"Don't worry, I'll take care of that baby. In couple more levels I'll have Remove Disease."
Techie: "I'm sorry, it doesn't mean anything, I just like to flirt."
DM: ". . . you actually say that?"
Techie: "Yeah?"
DM: "She bursts into tears and runs out of the ballroom."
Techie: "What did I do?"
Psion: "Great going, dude, next time you should just flat out say, 'Hey, baby, it don't mean nothin', I just like f---ing other women!'"
Cuaglar (me): Half-elf archery-style ranger, favored enemy Monstrous Humanoids (because I thought that's what we'd be fighting)
Durin: Dwarven fighter; tries to be a trip monkey, and usually manages to make the touch attack roll necessary. However, he's never rolled higher than 4 on his opposed Strength check.
Alice: Human Wizard. Kind of keeps to herself, and prepares Disguise Self whenever she can. Handy with her walking stick.
Brother Sable: Human Cleric of Olladra, black skinned. Is rather good at spellcasting, but has physical ability scores of Str 12, Dex 6, and Con 10.
Anyway, Durin's player was constantly asking why I chose to play a half-elf instead of a full elf ranger, citing that I would benefit from the Dexterity bonus, and how the half-elf skill bonuses were useless in the kind of campaign we were in. I took it in stride, because a half-elf was the character I wanted to play, and wouldn't choose otherwise.
Anyway, we come to a stuck door in the dungeon. Thorin (who has the same Strength as Cuaglar) confidently said,
"I can handle this." And began rolling. After five attempts, he didn't roll higher than 6.
At last, Cuaglar said,
"Let me have a go," and proceeded to roll an 18, cracking the door open with one hit. To the player, I said,
"And that's why Cuaglar is what he is: Because even half of an elf is better than a dwarf."
After smoothing that over, we got into a fight with a bunch of orcs, and it was going pretty badly. We got divided, and Cuaglar took a critical hit from a javelin (and with a Constitution of 8, it wasn't something I could afford easily.) and Alice fell unconcious. Everyone was having bad luck with their attack rolls, and my arrows broke with every missed shot, so at last I got frustrated and chucked my throwing axe instead at an orc that was about to deliver a coup de grace on Alice. I got a critical hit, and I turned to Durin's player and said,
"And that's why Cuaglar is what he is.", which has now become my annoying catchphrase whenever he does something exceedingly well.
They ask the half-orc to testify.
He tries to say "You're all inferior and can't even protect you're own leaders" in orcish, but due to Deus Ex Machina, a spell automatically translates it to common.
So they say "Sir, would you like to recant you're previous statement?"
Without missing a beat, he responds with "No, I swore to tell the truth."
At first I thought you were going to name a ghoul Legolas as in Leg'o'lass... :D
Kor
Leg o' lass? Why would he name himself after his dwarven lunch?
In response to the unexpected pregnancy of Sin-ge, our resident Wu-Jen, Tippy the Druid said:
"Don't worry, I'll take care of that baby. In couple more levels I'll have Remove Disease."
Goodness. I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry at that one.
Patch - CN female changeling rogue 1. Tries to be charming and friendly. For some reason changes her gender to neuter before going to sleep. Friendly at one moment, heartless at another.
Seeker - CN "male" psiforged psion 1. Despises humans. Doubles as food taster and poison detector due the immunity against poisons.
Gavin - CN male human fighter 1. Paranoid and talks to his swords. Former forest bandit.
The game continued after a week long break. During the last session the party had received a quest from Jonathan Smith, the mayor's aide, and were searching a cavern to find out what had happened to the earlier party sent to kill the kobolds that had moved there.
They had been ambushed by 4 kobolds, but managed to kill them without any troubles (except for Gavin, who charged in the middle of the kobolds and was dropped to 3 hp after few succesful hits scored by the kobolds thanks to flanking).
To keep us updated, I drew a map of the situation where they had been left when we finished our last session. The map also had the corpses of the four kobolds, waiting to be looted.
Gavin (OOC): I killed those.
Patch (OOC): Didn't we kill those already?
Gavin (OOC): Or did they respawn?
Gavin (OOC): :D
Patch (OOC):
The party continued deeper to the caverns, killing 2 more kobolds and making the leader of the kobolds escape even deeper. As they followed it, they found one of hunters which were sent to kill the kobolds a few days earlier.
Show
DM: The tunnel looks quite similar as the earlier one, but this one has signs of living here and there.
DM: Small piles of droppings, bones, footprints and pieces of flesh can be found.
DM: Soon you find the second missing person, badly eaten again.
Patch (OOC): I want to search the body.
Seeker: "They have quite poor table manners."
Patch: "Hold on, let me take a look"
DM: :D
Seeker: "Do not go about and play with other races' food. Its poor etiquette. Unless, granted, you find something of value."
Patch (OOC): Anything interesting?
Seeker (OOC): Yes. Intestines.
DM: After poking around the corpse, Patch finds a small letter.
Seeker (OOC): Or that.
Patch: "Ooo, found something."
Patch (OOC): Yay organs!
DM: Seems that the kobolds didn't think that it was valuable.
Patch: Patch reads the letter
Gavin: "What does it say?"
DM: The letter holds a crude drawing:
Gavin (OOC):
Patch (OOC): OMGWTFBBQ
Seeker (OOC): ....nice.
Patch: Patch laughs mirthlessly.
Gavin (OOC): Good work.
Patch: "Well, so much for that. Sorry, Jane, Daddy's not coming home."
DM (OOC): Heartless Patch is heartless
Patch (OOC): :P she's unstable, what did you think?
Patch: Patch tucks the note into a pocket.
Gavin: Gavin holds a moment of silence in honour of the dead man
Seeker: "Hmm. Clearly her daddy wasn't the strongest. One can only hope his off-spring fares better, but I highly doubt that."
Patch: "I wonder who Jane is, and where she is."
Seeker: "We could track her down and deliever the news. And see if she is weak as her father."
Patch: Patch think for a moment, then nods.
Patch: "Mr. Smith should have the name, right?"
Seeker: "I would believe it to be so."
Gavin: "Dead can wait. The still living kobolds don't. Onward."
DM: The tunnel looks quite similar as the earlier one, but this one has signs of living here and there.
DM: Small piles of droppings, bones, footprints and pieces of flesh can be found.
DM: Soon you find the second missing person, badly eaten again.
Patch (OOC): I want to search the body.
Seeker: "They have quite poor table manners."
Patch: "Hold on, let me take a look"
DM: :D
Seeker: "Do not go about and play with other races' food. Its poor etiquette. Unless, granted, you find something of value."
Patch (OOC): Anything interesting?
Seeker (OOC): Yes. Intestines.
DM: After poking around the corpse, Patch finds a small letter.
Seeker (OOC): Or that.
Patch: "Ooo, found something."
Patch (OOC): Yay organs!
DM: Seems that the kobolds didn't think that it was valuable.
Patch: Patch reads the letter
Gavin: "What does it say?"
DM: The letter holds a crude drawing:
Gavin (OOC):
Patch (OOC): OMGWTFBBQ
Seeker (OOC): ....nice.
Patch: Patch laughs mirthlessly.
Gavin (OOC): Good work.
Patch: "Well, so much for that. Sorry, Jane, Daddy's not coming home."
DM (OOC): Heartless Patch is heartless
Patch (OOC): :P she's unstable, what did you think?
Patch: Patch tucks the note into a pocket.
Gavin: Gavin holds a moment of silence in honour of the dead man
Seeker: "Hmm. Clearly her daddy wasn't the strongest. One can only hope his off-spring fares better, but I highly doubt that."
Patch: "I wonder who Jane is, and where she is."
Seeker: "We could track her down and deliever the news. And see if she is weak as her father."
Patch: Patch think for a moment, then nods.
Patch: "Mr. Smith should have the name, right?"
Seeker: "I would believe it to be so."
Gavin: "Dead can wait. The still living kobolds don't. Onward."
MP3: Creepy music
Me: "The boss of the dungeon rises from his chair and opens his mouth to speak..."
MP3: Creepy song ends, silly sounding tango music begins.
it took me five minutes to stop laughing.
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield
After Defeating the Master and burning his base of operations. We returned home. We then discovered that we needed to travel to the far north to retrieve the king's brother. Along the way, our airship was attacked by sky pirates.
Musashi: Alright, I go about loading the cannons.
DM: You can't
Musashi: Why?
DM: You guys never got around to getting cannon balls.
Musashi:.... We're gonna need some more bears.
The pirates shot our airship down. Everyone jumped ship. We killed the pirates, tried to proceed on foot, and were captured by a tribe of barbarians. The following phrase was said:
Rand: Why is no-one ever glad to see us?
We personally thought it was hilarious. Finally, we managed to make our getaway by throwing all our hemp items on their big bonfire. The Rather stoned natives were easily fooled by Rand's most outlandish lie yet.
Watchmen: (Very stoned voice) Hey! Are you escaping?
Rand: No.....*Rolls 41*
Watchmen: *Rolls 19* Okay man, what are you up to then?
Rand: We're just going out to have some smokes. *43*
Watchmen: *14* Okay man, just come back when your done.
We could not stop laughing and had to stop for the day after that.
Wow, Group W Bench 2 is awesome. And you know, I can't help but notice the initials GWB 2 - George W. Bush's 2nd term in office? I don't know why you'd name them after that - they don't seem to be mocking him too directly.
No, the initials were not intentional. And I'd prefer not to get into politics on any forum.
No, the initials were not intentional. And I'd prefer not to get into politics on any forum.
Sorry. That's probably a wise choice. Btw, even though I know the answer, I must ask: have you been Bad to the Gnome lately?
NPC: Why'd they send you, Aeridyn?
Paladin: Because I'm the best there is, kid.
While interrogating a prisoner, who insulted a just assassinated, very close NPC, said paladin took 'bad cop' a bit farther than she probably should have. While leaving the room, she called out to the characters playing good cop
Paladin: Fario...! They bled all over the floor
The good cops wound up intimidating the information out of the prisoner, the DM joked that the NPC called back "Aeridyn... they bled all over the floor some more..."
sheesh! Keenath knows it's not that big a deal, after all, I give cookies out like uh candy. So what's wrong with denying a cookie now and then? Heh, the cookie is a lie!:D
aaaahhhh. But there is no spoon!
I was DMing a Module called Crucible of Freya (modified to fit into Eberron) and the party of 6 (4 PCs and 2 NPCs) gets attacked by a group of three orcs. Everyone fails there spots to notice the orcs in the tree line and as the arrows sail in the party hits the deck (in the text box, but I rolled attacks anyway and horriblly mised the touch AC of a Collosal Barn at point blank range).
When it came to the gnome artificer in the initiative his first words were. "I stand up from pwned"
Not a great line but the delivery of it (and the fact that it was completely accidental) had us rolling.
Kor
"He likes to be the centaur of attention."
No i dont! ... oh wait ... "walks away innocently"
CAST
HAL - Level 5 Droid Soldier
Nat - Level 5 Female Jedi (Force Focused)
Ike - Level 5 Male Jedi (Lightsaber Combat Focused)
We were going to meet a black market arms dealer, because the underground Republic Resistance group we were helping need rocket launchers. The dealer had agreed to meet with us in his personal hangar bay. When we got there he was working on his ship. The dealer turns to us and goes:
Dealer: This weld look okay to you?
Ike: (OOC) Chris you have Mechanics as a trained skill, you look at it.
HAL: (OOC) Alright...*rolls* 21, how does it look?
DM: It looks fine.
HAL: (Now adopting his robot voice, addressing the dealer) Substandard.
*It's better if you know that his "robot voice" was a bad imitation of Stephen Hawking*
Later on we shut down a Separatist shield generator. We exit the elevator and encounter a dark Jedi in front of the only way out.
Ike: Get out of the way.
Dark Jedi Lady: No.
Ike: Then I place you under arrest in the name of the Republic!
DJL: I refuse.
Ike: Right, looks like we're doing this the hard way.
Then the fight ensues!
DM: She ignites her lightsaber. It falls in a coil beside her.
Nat: (OOC) Aw man, Lightwhip?
DM: *nods*
Ike: (IC) Hey lady, your lightsaber looks a little limp!
"What, oh the cave, ok, we better stop and save the game"
Another one just awhile ago, the group had chanced upon what appeared to be a den of zombies and had them roll for initiative to see who could go first.
DM: They look a little strange though-
Player1: It's my turn right?
DM: Yeah but-
Player1: Ok, well I start hacking into them *starts rolling dice*
DM: Well actu-
Player2: It's my turn next, so I'll start rolling. *rolls dice* Does 17 hit? I know their zombies but you never know
DM: Well, yes but-
Player2: Awesome, *rolls dice* nice 32 damage in total
DM:
Player1: 35 for me
DM: Ok I know they look like-
Player3: Ha I rolled a crit, lousy undead immune to crits though
DM: *sigh* no they're not immune to crits
Player3: Really?! Nice, that means....*rolls dice* 52 damage or 16 and 36 split up....hey why aren't they immune to crits?
DM: Make a heal check
Player3: Heal check, what for?...*rolls die*...24
DM: The remaining diseased peasents begin to cry in fear as they try to worm away from you
Player3:Oh...
Player1: Fear not! We're here to save you!
Question: do you regularly roll initiative for non-combat encounters? Because if you don't, I can't blame the players for that one. But if you do, then yeah, dumb move on their part.
I know my group rolls for initiative every time that the order that people get to act is important.
Question: do you regularly roll initiative for non-combat encounters? Because if you don't, I can't blame the players for that one. But if you do, then yeah, dumb move on their part.
Also, do you normally roll for initiative before establishing the situation that's triggering the roll?
For example, would you tell your players to roll for initiative, and then describe the five kobolds... with an Ancient Blue Dragon behind them?
M: Tough guy, huh? Hey Sam, let's burn this place to the ground. That'll show it!
S: Not now little buddy. Let's wait until we get outside first.
A detective game that just started up. Take one guess who we decided to base our characters around.
M: Tough guy, huh? Hey Sam, let's burn this place to the ground. That'll show it!
S: Not now little buddy. Let's wait until we get outside first.
Could it be....Mam and Sax?
Here yah go.
Close enough. :D
Here yah go.
One day, S will have a talk with M about the sanctity of life.
wizard: Have you tried knocking?
spellthief: *smacks the wizard in the back of the head for making such a bad pun and steals a Knock spell.*
The door opens.
wizard: See? I told you to try knocking.
spellthief: *holds up an open hand* Don't make me smack you again. The next one'll let me fireball your sorry @*ss.
One of the players rolls, and heres what he said..
Darckk: I got a ten, did anything bad happen?
Me: Not yet.
Darckk: Thats ominous...
spellthief: *holds up an open hand* Don't make me smack you again. The next one'll let me fireball your sorry @*ss.
I love this guy.
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
After escaping from the natives, we made our way to a large town. We decided that we should split up and search for any info on the king's brother. Musashi and Rand went to search the aristocratic area, Sarevok and Waspinator went to the slums, and Mystina and Yumei went to the local tavern.
Musashi and Rand were asking around, when we met someone who said he had info, and told us to come into his house for tea. It turns out that he wanted to kill us, apparently Rand knocked up his sister. Musashi killed him. The maid walked in, saw the body and screamed, when the local garrison came in, this conversation erupted.
Soldier: What happened here?
Rand & Musashi (At once): He committed suicide.
Soldier: With what?
Rand: A cheese knife.
Soldier: How? And where is it?
Rand: uhhhh...... he swallowed it?
Soldier: Do you have any proof of this?
Musashi: Yeah! A suicide note!
Soldier: Let me see it.
Musashi: *Hands him a note*
Soldier: *Reading out loud* I cast explosive runes tod-
I think you know what happens next.
(BTW, Musashi didn't cast it, Sarevok did, but each character carries an explosive runes note with them for emergencies.)
Sarevok and Waspinator, kept asking the bums for any info. Eventually one told them to Check the docks. They did, and found a slave trading buisness. The two of them snuck aboard. After a series of lengthy battles, the two of them managed to free some slaves. Sarevok left a note for the traders that said "Back in five minutes" Unfortunately, one of the traders saw them trying to escape.
DM: They then charge straight for you guys weapons drawn.
Sarevok: LOOK! A THREE-HEADED-MONKEY!! *Bluff Check Fails*
DM: What made you think that would work?
Sarevok (OOC): I don't know.
DM: Well, they don't buy it.
Sarevok: Oh well, Fireball.
Suffice to say, the fireball set the ship on fire, and blew up the gunpowder kegs in the hold, but not before this conversation erupted.
Slave: Wait! Others are still in there! My husband!
DM: All of the sudden, the ship explodes. Burning pieces of wood shower down from the sky along with chunks of humans.
Sarevok: Uhhhh.... So I guess your single now!
I love this guy.
Why thank ye.
The party spellthief is having trouble with the locked door, thanks to bad rolls. The following conversation ensues:
wizard: Have you tried knocking?
spellthief: *smacks the wizard in the back of the head for making such a bad pun and steals a Knock spell.*
The door opens.
wizard: See? I told you to try knocking.
spellthief: *holds up an open hand* Don't make me smack you again. The next one'll let me fireball your sorry @*ss.
Sigged for Uber-win.
Sigged for Uber-win.
Woo-hoo! I've been sigged!
EDIT: I've got a whole new story now. Note that the setting is using a homebrew system (mishmash of D&D, d20 BESM, and a few other things) set in a modern world with small sections (small town colleges mostly) being suddenly changed by the reintroduction of magic and spontaneous transformation of students into various demihumans. The races are mostly inspired by WoW. We have some pretty unique flaws. The cast:
Nbaka, troll "naturalist" (aka druid). A foreign exchange student who's pretty worried about going home and facing his parents with the fact that he's now green and has tusks. If he gets too anxious, he turns into a snow leopard (retaining his mental abilities) and can't turn back until he gets high on catnip, in which case he's now a troll high on catnip. Played by me.
Kasbo, gnome "deviant" (wizard specialized in transmutation as well as fire and ice). A senior working on a thesis on temporal mechanics and magical manipulation of it. His favorite spell is Temporal Disjunction (reflavored Doom). He's also known to be easily distracted, especially during spellcasting. He tends to wonder about how he could change the spells. One time this led to him turning a spell completely haywire into a curse. Now whenever he casts a non-evocation spell, he needs to roll 2 spellcraft checks (DC 15) and take the lower of the two. He augments his arsenal with an endless supply of wind-up duck grenades. (Literally: he's got a magic item that gives him endless wind-up ducks). He's our mascot.
Ethan, elf workaholic (paladin). Working on some ethics thesis. The player took two flaws: significant other, and girl magnet. So he's always dealing with mobs of adoring women trying to lynch his gf (our main source of random encounters). There's also a lot of jocks trying to bump him off to get to his gf. He doesn't care which is mightier, the pen or the sword, because his Holy Avenger rapier is both.
Azok, minotaur gamer (ranger with other styles. Chose the whirlwind attack version). A female player previously playing a male minotaur, now retconned into a considerably buffer female. Took a flaw that basically makes her a frenzied beserker, but only stops if you show her a puppy. Used the flaw to gain Powerful Build. Has a Wiimote that turns into any weapon, plus a swarm of dragonlings. Sadly absent for this session.
Sorresela, redead prankster (generic undead rogue). Female player and character, can't always make it (like today). Sorresela is struggling to adjust to being dead, especially the whole smelling like a corpse thing. Has a flying lunch tray/skateboard.
Nbaka is warning his comrades about his "condition."
Nbaka: Look mon, this is embarrassing, but sometimes, when I get nervous, I turn into a snow leopard. Just make sure I play with this. *hands Ethan a catnip toy.* I be fine in da mornin'. I turns back sooner, but then I be high as Mount Olympus. *whispers* Just keep me away from Kasbo. A troll playin' cat-and-mouse with a gnome is very funny, but I don't think Kasbo be much for the liking of it.
Ethan then passes off the catnip to Kasbo, who decides to apply it to his wind-up ducks. Problem solved!
Fighting a necromancer:
Kasbo and Nbaka were allowed by the DM to get a special combo. If they delay their actions to cast on the same initiative, Nbaka's Vortex of Teeth can combine with Kasbo's Manyjaws to instead produce a Vortex of Teeth with the distract quality of swarms (applicable even to undead - zombies are going to love flailing at phantom piranhas).
Nbaka: By our powers combined . . .
Kasbo: He is Captain Shark!
DM: Great, now I've got the image of a shark in a Captain Planet outfit stuck in my head.
That combo ended up breaking the encounter, as 3 of 4 zombies died instantly, plus 1 of 2 ghouls. That left 1 zombie, 1 ghoul, and 1 ghast. The ghast was distracted, as was the zombie.
DM: I'm gonna have to fix this. Kasbo, next time you'll have to make your curse check to see if you get distracted during the combo.
Nbaka: I'm going to try bullrushing the necromancer into the hurricane again.
Ethan: Too bad we don't have the bull.
Trying to interrogate the necromancer:
Nbaka: Dang! I wish we had Azok here. She could just hold him right up to the hurricane of piranhas. That'd make him talk.
Dealing with the necromancer afterward:
Kasbo: I turn him into a Siamese fighting fish and put him in a cup. I tell him not to resist, or I will magic missile him.
There was some line after this about "a tome of necromancy in the pocket, a necromancer in the cup." I forget exactly how it went, but the DM recorded it to use as his away message. Dang, why can't I remember it? Anyway, maybe not the funniest lines, but it's a great cast.
@Plemmons, @crimsondeath: Yeah I make them roll initiative beforehand, usually cause one player wants to leap in and attack, another wants to bargain, and another wants to run away. So to try to make sense of what happen before anything significant I make them roll for initiative. There was also an enemy hiding out too so I wanted to know when they would go relative to the BBEG. If he could use the peasants as bargaining chip if need be, etc.
Then, since this is a regular practice in your game, yeah, not the brightest move on their part. Of course, it's generally not a smart idea to talk over the DM when he's describing something.
*Group comes to door in typical dungeon*
Half-Orc Fighter: Right, I'll kick it down
Dwarf Fighter: I'll help
Psychic: Wait, it might be trapped
Rogue: *checks* There's no traps, and it's unlocked
Half-orc: Okay, I'm kicking it down
Cleric: Hang on, shouldn't we send the Rogue in quietly
*20 minutes later*
Cleric: I still think we should sneak in, keep the element of surprise
Psychic: Yea, but if they spot her we've lost the initiative
Half-orc: To hell with this. I'm kicking the door down *rolls a 20*
DM: The UNLOCKED door smashes open. The creatures inside have all died of boredom.
"Ephraim": Is there a god of acid?
I could not resist and blurted out: "Yeah! He's called Keith Richards!"
We laughed for about 20 minutes straight.
Of course, it's generally not a smart idea to talk over the DM when he's describing something.
I've had bad experiences with pre-generated modules with regard to that... They have a bad habit of describing a room like, "You see a huge domed cave full of piled gold coins, the light of a dozen torches flickering off them in a dizzying glitter... blah blah blah..." And then below it'll have a monster entry that basically says, "Oh, yeah, and there's a MASSIVE DRAGON in the middle of the room!"
I mean, sheesh -- start the description with the first thing your characters would notice, like "There's a huge red dragon here!"
Milton is a Halfling rogue lvl5
Valeta is a Half-Elf Cleric of Pelor lvl5
Aust (yea yea PhB caracter name:P) is (me) a Elf sorcerer lvl5
DM:Ok you now face a door.
Milton:I detect trap *roll 18*
DM:Ok you didnt found any trap
Aust:I cast detec magic.
DM:Nothing magical behind the door
Milton:So i think we can open the door now
Aust:Wait!Open it silently...
Milton:Ok i kick the door silently! *Roll 20*
Everybody: :OMG!
Milton to the DM:So what happen?
DM:...ok the door disapear into a diferent plane
Valeta:I use Knowledge plane to know in wich plane the door is!! *Roll 1*
DM:You dont know...
Aust:I use Knowledge Arcana to see if something magic happen to the door. *Roll 4*
DM:Nope nothing magic but something magic could happen if you dont stop...
Milton:Ok i...
DM:STOP!The next time you create a planar breach by doing this kind of impossible thing Milton you lose a lvl because the god are ******!
Milton OOC:Is that realy in the adventure book?
DM:*Roll* you lose 3 point of dex...
Milton:What?
Same DM would throw dice at people and say things like "you take a [insert die type] of damage."
Kor
Milton to the DM:So what happen?
Some one set up us the bomb.
(couldn't resist. :D)
Also,
Random NPC: Who the hell are you?
Me: I'm the doctor.
DM(OOC): Jimi Hendrix was the best guitar player ever.
Me: Yeah, and he's also a Bard Lich, with his guitar as the phylactery.
I've had bad experiences with pre-generated modules with regard to that... They have a bad habit of describing a room like, "You see a huge domed cave full of piled gold coins, the light of a dozen torches flickering off them in a dizzying glitter... blah blah blah..." And then below it'll have a monster entry that basically says, "Oh, yeah, and there's a MASSIVE DRAGON in the middle of the room!"
I mean, sheesh -- start the description with the first thing your characters would notice, like "There's a huge red dragon here!"
But if you do that, the PCs don't listen to the rest of the rooms description. They only care about the huge red dragon.
Question, does this sound familiar?
Player: I walk into the room.
DM: Okay, you're now standing in the room. Roll a reflex save.
Player: Umm... okay. I rolled a 6. What happened.
DM: The dragon's breath engulfs you in flame.
All Players: Wait... dragon?!?
DM: Oh... didn't I mention the dragon.
Player: No you didn't.
DM: Oh. There's a huge red dragon in the center of the room.
Player: Well, I think that would have changed how I enter the room.
DM: No, I don't think it would have...
But if you do that, the PCs don't listen to the rest of the rooms description. They only care about the huge red dragon.
I'm thinking that, largely, that IS all they should care about!
Question, does this sound familiar?
Player: I walk into the room.
DM: Okay, you're now standing in the room. Roll a reflex save.
Player: Umm... okay. I rolled a 6. What happened.
DM: The dragon's breath engulfs you in flame.
All Players: Wait... dragon?!?
DM: Oh... didn't I mention the dragon.
Player: No you didn't.
DM: Oh. There's a huge red dragon in the center of the room.
Player: Well, I think that would have changed how I enter the room.
DM: No, I don't think it would have...
Yeah, except for the last line.
Kei (Captain): I hug her and cry.
Karen (Engineer): I hug back and cry too, and I say, "I'm sorry!"
Kei: "I'm sorry too!"
Karen: We have a LIFETIME: TELEVISION FOR WOMEN" moment.
Karl (male psion): I go to my room, eat a steak, put in a porno and a football game, and lift weights in as manly a manner as possible.
Yeah, except for the last line.
With the guys I play with, they wouldn't then just walk into the room, they would charge...
Karl (male psion): I go to my room, eat a steak, put in a porno and a football game, and lift weights in as manly a manner as possible.
Now that is seriously funny :D
But if you do that, the PCs don't listen to the rest of the rooms description. They only care about the huge red dragon.
When there are immediate hostiles in a room, I tend to give a quick overview of the room-at-a-glance and anything that's particularly combat-relevant, then come back later with a more detailed "now that you have a chance to examine the room..."
Enemies, large furniture, and blatant decorations (say, a giant holy symbol of an evil god) go in the first; describing the intricately worked pillars and gold altar set and such are for later.
'Half Orc Rolls. Succeeds fear and fails comprehension': I have no idea what is going on, but I know that I'm not afraid of it!
That reminds me, I've always wanted to have a BBEG make some big speech about how dead the PCs are, then drop a blood-red Tiny Hut to cover his escape through a secret door and just watch the PCs squirm, trying to decide who's going to be the first to touch the clearly hazardous opaque sphere.
One of these days I'm going to absolutely destroy the DMPC cliche... my DMPC will be "prophecied" to defeat the BBEG, thanks to a birthmark, but he's gonna be a big pansy that runs from every battle and gets killed by the BBEG round 1 of the final battle. After the PCs kill the BBEG, the one who delievered the killing blow is gonna have a scar from the battle that looks just like the DMPC's birthmark.
my DMPC will be "prophecied" to defeat the BBEG, thanks to a birthmark, but he's gonna be a big pansy that runs from every battle and gets killed by the BBEG round 1 of the final battle.
"Oh it's baaaad luck to be you /
The chosen one of many isn't new! /
When you think you're full of luck /
In the bollocks you'll be struck /
Oh it's baaaad luck to be you."
Roy (Paladin): "What we need to do is make some fire. . . does anyone have flint and steel, or a spell?"
Deed (Elf Ranger): ". . . I don't have flint and steel."
Kurk (half-dragon): "I don't either."
Trogg: "TROGG WILL FIND FIRE!"
Roy: "That's nice, Trogg. Cale, you've got a level of wizard, right?"
Cale: ". . . I have no fire spells memorized. I will in eight hours, but by that time we'll probably all be frozen to death."
Trogg: "TROGG WILL FIND FIRE!"
Roy: "Yes, yes, Trogg, that's nice, but. . . Trogg, what are you doing?"
Trogg: "TROGG WILL FIND FIRE!"
Cale: "Did Trogg just run out there into the blizzard?"
Roy: "I try to chase him."
DM: "As you get out of the cave, you can't see where Trogg has gone. . . the snowstorm is too strong, and you can barely see your hand in front of your face."
Roy: ". . . damn, I turn back."
So after a long, horrible night in which we finally managed to start a fire on the hundredth time that Kurk tried to use his lightning breath to light the firewood, we wake up, dig our way out of the snowdrift. . . and see a frozen orc standing about fifty feet from the cave.
Roy: "Poor guy didn't get very far, did he?"
Cale: ". . . wait a minute, he's facing TOWARDS the cave, not away from it."
Deed: ". . . and there's a snuffed-out torch in his hand and he's grinning."
Kurk: "Sonovagun. That crazy bastitch actually found fire."
Touched by his sacrifice, we held a service right there, consigned his soul to Grummsh. . . or whatever gods would be interested in a good-hearted orc's soul. . . and laid the following epitaph on his tombstone.
Awesome.
Beautiful. Simply beautiful.
(The party consists of a human Paladin, an elf ranger, a half-blue dragon fighter, and Cale. . . who is one of everything. In addition, there is Trogg, the NPC orc whom we'd picked up earlier in the game, rescued from monsters, and now hung around the hew-mons as a servant, eager as a puppy to please. The party is now in the high mountains as a blizzard comes in, and has found shelter in a cave.)
Roy (Paladin): "What we need to do is make some fire. . . does anyone have flint and steel, or a spell?"
Deed (Elf Ranger): ". . . I don't have flint and steel."
Kurk (half-dragon): "I don't either."
Trogg: "TROGG WILL FIND FIRE!"
Roy: "That's nice, Trogg. Cale, you've got a level of wizard, right?"
Cale: ". . . I have no fire spells memorized. I will in eight hours, but by that time we'll probably all be frozen to death."
Trogg: "TROGG WILL FIND FIRE!"
Roy: "Yes, yes, Trogg, that's nice, but. . . Trogg, what are you doing?"
Trogg: "TROGG WILL FIND FIRE!"
Cale: "Did Trogg just run out there into the blizzard?"
Roy: "I try to chase him."
DM: "As you get out of the cave, you can't see where Trogg has gone. . . the snowstorm is too strong, and you can barely see your hand in front of your face."
Roy: ". . . damn, I turn back."
So after a long, horrible night in which we finally managed to start a fire on the hundredth time that Kurk tried to use his lightning breath to light the firewood, we wake up, dig our way out of the snowdrift. . . and see a frozen orc standing about fifty feet from the cave.
Roy: "Poor guy didn't get very far, did he?"
Cale: ". . . wait a minute, he's facing TOWARDS the cave, not away from it."
Deed: ". . . and there's a snuffed-out torch in his hand and he's grinning."
Kurk: "Sonovagun. That crazy bastitch actually found fire."
Touched by his sacrifice, we held a service right there, consigned his soul to Grummsh. . . or whatever gods would be interested in a good-hearted orc's soul. . . and laid the following epitaph on his tombstone.
Won't lie... I shed a small tear, yeah...
I love Trogg. You've gotta rez him. Heck, if I were in that game I'd take the Leadership feat just to make Trog my cohort.
Can I get a citizen's Rogue Mage Approval? This guy's earned it. Few people get this many responses. And in a row too.
This weeks game session, I had a semi-optimized barbarian/fighter with a power attack/leap attack style build. He attacked one of the PCs for a whopping 127 damage. My players called shenanigans for some reason, so I explained the rules behind it, just so they know everything is above board. Suddenly one of the players (who's playing a barbarian/fighter with power attack, leap attack, shock trooper and wields a 2H Sword) says, "Whoah... wait... we can do that?!"
"Umm... yeah," I reply, "don't you actually read the feats you select?"
"No, I just thought they were cool sounding for flavor text and stuff..."
Needless to say, he's a little new at the game. I pulled him aside and told him more about the rules.
"Umm... yeah," I reply, "don't you actually read the feats you select?"
"No, I just thought they were cool sounding for flavor text and stuff..."
I guess it says something good about the design if you can come up with a good build just by picking names that sound good together...
I guess it says something good about the design if you can come up with a good build just by picking names that sound good together...
To a certain extent it's my fault. I didn't realize what he meant when he said, "I charge in, jumping through the air and bringing my weapon down with all my might..." I should have thought, mechanics-wise, "Oh, he's trading all his BAB for 3/1 damage..." Still, I think it's cool that he chose feats for flavor reasons and ended up optimizing also. Score one for the SWF, eh?
Draith- 3rd lvl fighter 3rd lvl rouge human
Basil- 6th lvl rouge halfling
Freya-6th lvl Cleric dwarf
Shaggy-6th lvl wiz high elf
Dormin-6th lvl fighter dwarf
Leva-6th lvl Sorc high elf
We were in the middle of a dungeon and Basil and Draith were out in front scouting for baddies and traps.
Basil rolls and sees nothing
Draith rolls and sees nothing
we continue
Shaggy made a potion of invisibility (really really high roll for the brew skill enhanced with the feat) before this mission and sold it to Draith for like 20 gp.
Basil tells him that there is a trap ahead and the only way to deactivate it was to work on the internals on the ceiling (10 feet up) much much out of his reach.
So Draith being the 3rd lvl rouge that he is decides to take care of the trap for the "little one" as he calls him.
Draith takes the potion and drinks it. becoming invisible. just incase any baddies sees him working on the trap.
he than walks up to where Basil tells him the secret door for the trap is.
Draith rolls a search check and fails... horribly... (2) for the traps trigger.
Draith procides to step on the trap and activate it.
The walls to the left and right come blindingly together and crush him. failed reflex save (6)
Draiths player than says " what.. how... i was invisible.. that should of been enough to NOT set it off!?!"
the DM says... "traps dont care if you are invisable.. they just kill you" :D
The game stops for 10 min of laugher while Draiths player starts rolling for a new Character....
...
Draith- 3rd lvl fighter 3rd lvl rouge human
Basil- 6th lvl rouge halfling
...
Holy crap, two "rouges" in the same group?
:P
One of these days I'm going to absolutely destroy the DMPC cliche... my DMPC will be "prophecied" to defeat the BBEG, thanks to a birthmark, but he's gonna be a big pansy that runs from every battle and gets killed by the BBEG round 1 of the final battle. After the PCs kill the BBEG, the one who delievered the killing blow is gonna have a scar from the battle that looks just like the DMPC's birthmark.
Now, THAT'S good storytelling, right there.
-bows to the master-
Now, THAT'S good storytelling, right there.
-bows to the master-
Actually, I stole it from someone on these boards a long time ago. I'm just a good plot thief is all.
Actually, I stole it from someone on these boards a long time ago. I'm just a good plot thief is all.
Which means you're an excellent DM. :D
Which means you're an excellent DM. :D
yea pretty much. i about to steal the plot of an entire book, part of the sword of truth series.
PS> I stole both those from different people. I'm not going to say who because... well... read the first one again.
Me: Do I see any orphans in the streets?
DM: No......
ME: Can I make some?
since we haven't seen the stamp in a while, I edited my own for the citizenship. here it is:
since we haven't seen the stamp in a while, I edited my own for the citizenship. here it is:
:headexplo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Needless to say, he's a little new at the game. I pulled him aside and told him more about the rules.
I actually find this whole scenario just a little sad. It's like the end of innocence.
Spellthief: "Clearly you're not going to listen to my speeches on honor. But there is one golden rule even you can appreciate: do unto others as you would have them do unto you." I throw his disintegrate right back at him.
DM: *rolls* And he fails his save. The lich's eyes somehow manage to widen and his jaw begins to drop. Then he turns to dust and his jawbone clatters on the ground. Congratulations, that was awesome.
Perfect little speech right there. :D
I actually find this whole scenario just a little sad. It's like the end of innocence.
Actually, he was unbelievably happy when he found out just what his character can do. He had this "That's AWESOME!" expression the whole time. He even comes early to games now to talk about flavor text for various attacks and maneuvers. All in all, discovering that Leap Attack was more than just a cool-sounding thing to write on his character sheet has made him even more interested in his character from an RP perspective as well as an optimization perspective.
Kor
Actually, he was unbelievably happy when he found out just what his character can do. He had this "That's AWESOME!" expression the whole time. He even comes early to games now to talk about flavor text for various attacks and maneuvers. All in all, discovering that Leap Attack was more than just a cool-sounding thing to write on his character sheet has made him even more interested in his character from an RP perspective as well as an optimization perspective.
Someone who is more interested in the RP side of the RPG than the minmax twinkery "how can I kill God with my leftover turkey sandwich" side of it?
Tie that sucker to the gaming table and don't let him go. He's rarer than the ******* Bigfoot, Yeti, and Nessie combined.
Someone who is more interested in the RP side of the RPG than the minmax twinkery "how can I kill God with my leftover turkey sandwich" side of it?
I dunno, I kinda like the Psion who is a leftover turkey sandwich. (In case you're wondering, it involves Polymorph Any Object and True Mind Switch. And it's completely useless, except being amusing.)
Tie that sucker to the gaming table and don't let him go. He's rarer than the ******* Bigfoot, Yeti, and Nessie combined.
Bigyessie? I love that guy!
Bigyessie? I love that guy!
oh sweet. you know the guys and i are going on a hut for it this coming weekend. You should come.
So this situation happened in a game where i was playing as a pirate. We have this quasi-rule where if you roll a nat 1 on one of the perception based skills the DM can tell you that you sense anything really.
I was looking for a boat we had sold with a treasure map painted on it that we forgot to remove. when i got to the dock(i was swimming underwater btw) i rolled a 1 on my spot and saw a mussel at the bottom of the bay that i thought was the ship after it sank. I swam down and smashed it with a rock then left to tell the other party member who was searching by land and told him i found and smashed the boat already. He demands to see it so i take him back to the place and show him the smashed shells and he sees it for what it is.
After trying and failing to convince me that it is a mussel he says "This was the wrong boat"
me: rolls sense motive....nat 20
him: *facepalm* can i try again?
dm: sure -5 penalty
him: *rolls* NAT 20
Me: *rolls* NAT 20
him: @#$% *tries like 4 more times each time i barely beat him* Okay can i try with a different one.
DM and Me: If it is a different one it starts over.
Him: okay....They built an identical boat*rolls high*
me: *rolls* nat 20
him: gah *tries again rolls moderate*
me: *rolls* NAT 1
him: Finally
we ended up hunting that boat down, destroying it, as well as the guard that was on it and the row boat to get to it.
'
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things get out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
After weeks of searching and side-quests, we found the king's brother. He was held in a mob-bosses mansion.In order to get in, we planned to launch ourselves into a room on the top floor. Musashi went first.
DM: Okay, you fly through the air, and crash through a window. Make a tumble check.
Musashi: *Succeeds*
DM: You roll with the impact and land in a real kick-a$$ pose. Near you is a woman applying makeup. She appears to be shocked.
Musashi: Oops! Wrong room! (Climbs out the window.)
After Several more tries, Musashi found the right window. We found the big boss, and the brother. We began to fight
Boss: I've heard many tales about you, group W bench 2. About your deeds of heroism and virtue.
Rand: Wait, That doesn't sound like us.
Boss: And about how you blew up that school claiming it was a secret lair for Mind-Flayers!
Rand: Now that sounds like us.
So this situation happened in a game where i was playing as a pirate. We have this quasi-rule where if you roll a nat 1 on one of the perception based skills the DM can tell you that you sense anything really.
I was in a group with a similar rule once. As we were walking through a forest, one character failed a Spot check and got the false impression that he was in a cathedral. A second character failed a Balance check and tripped over a pew, which a third character failed a Spot check and noticed.
Boss: I've heard many tales about you, group W bench 2. About your deeds of heroism and virtue.
Rand: Wait, That doesn't sound like us.
Boss: And about how you blew up that school claiming it was a secret lair for Mind-Flayers!
Rand: Now that sounds like us.
Omg you are my new hero :D
Someone who is more interested in the RP side of the RPG than the minmax twinkery "how can I kill God with my leftover turkey sandwich" side of it?
Tie that sucker to the gaming table and don't let him go. He's rarer than the ******* Bigfoot, Yeti, and Nessie combined.
Umm... you know that the two aren't mutually exclusive, right? I have a bunch of min/maxers in my game, and they're awesome roleplayers.
Omg you are my new hero :D
Arigato
Nbaka, troll "druid." Turns into a snow leopard when he gets anxious (but keeps his mind), and can only turn back by playing with catnip. But then he suffers from the effects of catnip. Played by me.
Kazbo, gnome "wizard." Also gets a few class features that allow him to change his own form or baleful polymorph people. Easily distracted, and can only manage evocation spells all right. Signature moves: temporal disjunction (-2 to every d20 roll as your body parts move at different rates) and exploding wind-up ducks.
Azok, minotaur "ranger/frenzied beserker." Borderlines on CE and has a swarm of dragonlings.
one PG-13 encounter
We're facing some sort of 3-armed undead siege engine, and the DM describes it. It's very fat and has intestines still hanging out its front.
Nbaka: Please, tell me it's wearing a loincloth.
DM: It's a siege engine. They didn't give it anything to hide.
Azok: Too bad - I was going to kick it in the groin.
Kazbo: You still could.
DM: It just wouldn't do anything.
Azok: I'm going to kick it in the groin.
Nbaka: Please, tell me it's wearing a loincloth.
DM: It's a siege engine. They didn't give it anything to hide.
Azok: Too bad - I was going to kick it in the groin.
Kazbo: You still could.
DM: It just wouldn't do anything.
Azok: I'm going to kick it in the groin.
We're facing some sort of 3-armed undead siege engine, and the DM describes it. It's very fat and has intestines still hanging out its front.
Boy, that sure sounds familiar...
A character was coming into town after an adventure to buy an amulet that lets him cast "Speak with Dead". It's called a ghostspeak amulet (yes, he got the idea from Runscape).
The conversation went like this:
PC: I would like one ghostspeak omelet.
DM
: What use would that be to anyone?PC: It could do lots of things. Question the victim of a murder, interrogate dead guards. Anything really.
DM: If you say so. It's your money.
The poor guy ended up with a gigantic ham and cheese omelet that, among other messed up powers, let spirits talk to him telepathically whenever he took a bite of it. Strangely enough, it turned into a campaign artifact.
Boy, that sure sounds familiar...
Hey! He actually showed us that pic. Yeah, I see a lot of WoWiki in his campaign. Then again, the setting was originally called "World of Williams" - Williams being our college. Anyway, I can't believe I forgot one line from all this.
Azok: Screw it. I'm just gonna pull all its intestines out.
Later . . .
DM: Your sword cleaves through and all of its dangling intestines are removed. You can no longer pull them out without diving into its stomach.
Azok: sad face.
Yes, Azok's player actually said the words "sad face" out loud as she pouted. It was also funny when we tried interrogating the necromancer. Azok was the only one without magic armor, so she was still covered in gore, entrails hanging off her, the works. She decides to make an intimidation check, getting a +8 bonus (+4 size (powerful build) and +4 circumstance for looking gruesome). She rolls a 2. It fails. I then follow up, spreading my cobra hoodie (magic item that lets me spit venom - ie. Orb of Acid - that I had actually used to drop the necromancer in the first place. Also, he had been utterly pwned by my Vortex of Teeth spell and nothing else). I figured with our history I could maybe work. I roll an 11.
DM: Ok, so you do better than Azok. What's the total.
Me: [insert number here]
DM: Wait. You did worse that Azok. How'd you manage that?
Necromancer: I won't tell you anything. If I do, I'll suffer a fate worse than death.
Kazbo: Yeah, but how about a fate weirder than death?
NOTE: Our party has gotten good at unusual psychological torture. Main enemies tend to wind up with a fear of ducks. Our last one was left imprisoned in a personal demiplane smaller than the average cell, but without even floor or windows. There was absolutely nothing but himself and a wind-up duck with a note: "You may escape the demons, but you'll never escape the ducks."
Sorcerer: -Why don't you try and get some Ogre tribes to help us in the war.
Ogre: - Are you serious? Ogres? They're too stupid for anyone to reason with them.
That had us laughing for hours. Lol
In an epic campaign i am playing an Ogre half fiend barbarian. Me and my buddy, a sorverer, have started a guild with about 20something members and there's war coming.
You haven't, by any chance, gotten swallowed by a Tarrasque any time recently, have you?
Oh, and your DM has some stuff about you... (want a link?) :D
So that was YOU then.... You do realise you can't summon a collosal fienish spider, right?
Why not? He's got enough HD to have Summon Monster IX as a SLA.
"As he leaps towards Durin, he jumps so high that he hits his head on the ceiling, and knocks out his own self."
)Me: Ok i enter the mill
Dm : *Roll*... o ****... *Roll*... what's your AC?
Me: 22 :evillaugh
Dm: O ****... *roll a bunch of dice*... how many life point do you have?
Me: 24
Dm: O ****......... ok take 21...
Me: WHAT? 21?DAMN YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE KILLING YOUR SORCERER ON THE 1 ENCOUNTER OF YOUR 1 CAMPAING?YOU COULD HAVE FUDGE YOUR ROLL!
Dm:... i did...
It endend with a lot of blood, a dead lvl8 assassin, a dead lvl8 fighter an a living lvl 2 cleric ( we interogate her
) and no dead in our party ( not even me :D )We were sent into a mill by a peasant who assured us it was empty, however it was later discovered that the peasant in question was a saboteur of sorts.
Upon entering the mill, a trap was sprung on our sorcerer, who lost all but 3 hp and responded rather immaturely by whining and asking why he didn't fudge the roll. The DM responds that he actually did.
We kill a level 8 assassin and a level 8 fighter, and manage to capture a level 2 cleric without a single casualty on our side.
Think I did pretty well on my roll :D.
Think I did pretty well on my roll :D.
It lacks style, but yes, that roll does indeed pass.
It lacks style, but yes, that roll does indeed pass.
How's this?
The first encounter of the DM's first campaign started off when the party got fooled into entering a trapped building. The sorcerer, who had just finished casting a suite of defensive spells, went in first and took a trap to the face first thing.
DM: What's your AC?
Sorc: 22! :evillaugh
DM: Um. You take 21 damage.
Sorc: WHAT?! I'm down to 3 HP on the first round of the first encounter?! You could have fudged that a little, you know...
DM: ...I did...
We don't know that it was a trap, actually; it could've been a sneak attack. Nor do we know that the source of the Sorc's strangely high AC was spells, but that's pretty probable.
Side note:
Please keep a few things in mind when posting in a thread like this -- Brevity is the soul of wit. Cut your tale down to the very barest of bones unless you really need to set up a complicated situation to explain the joke. A two-line setup with four lines of conversation is much funnier than slogging through a half-page saga to get to a lame pun. Just tell the joke; we don't need to hear about the specific personalities involved or the specifics of their mission unless those are important to the funny.
How's this?
The first encounter of the DM's first campaign started off when the party got fooled into entering a trapped building. The sorcerer, who had just finished casting a suite of defensive spells, went in first and took a trap to the face first thing.
DM: What's your AC?
Sorc: 22! :evillaugh
DM: Um. You take 21 damage.
Sorc: WHAT?! I'm down to 3 HP on the first round of the first encounter?! You could have fudged that a little, you know...
DM: ...I did...
We don't know that it was a trap, actually; it could've been a sneak attack. Nor do we know that the source of the Sorc's strangely high AC was spells, but that's pretty probable.
Side note:
Please keep a few things in mind when posting in a thread like this -- Brevity is the soul of wit. Cut your tale down to the very barest of bones unless you really need to set up a complicated situation to explain the joke. A two-line setup with four lines of conversation is much funnier than slogging through a half-page saga to get to a lame pun. Just tell the joke; we don't need to hear about the specific personalities involved or the specifics of their mission unless those are important to the funny.
Bah i like both version, i'm an immature newb that still play sorcerer (And i play since a while) and i'm proud of it!Immaturity can produce so much good result in dnd
..and "I rolled three 20s in a row" is not funny (nor three 1s ...though the lines that follow *might* be)
How about two 1's and rolling 6d8 (rolling two dice at a time, all three sets equaling 11 each) by a lvl 20 Jedi Consular/Master in a practice duel with the PC Padawan?
Can you say, "Epic Fail"?
Reasons why SW:RCR was a baaaaaad gaming system.
err.. hilarious! oh yes [/sarcasm]
Snide comments are equally unfunny, if not more so, and definitely less related to the topic at hand.
Just tell the joke; we don't need to hear about the specific personalities involved or the specifics of their mission unless those are important to the funny.
So I am not a complete hypocrite...
DM: So guys I was thinking since we tried Diablo d20 last week we might play some other video games as pencil and paper. I have an X-Box game. "D&D Heroes" :D
Later ...
Player 1: "How about Super Mario Galaxy"
Player 2: "I want to play Trauma Center. Surgery pen & paper! Roll to take out his kidney!"
How about two 1's and rolling 6d8 (rolling two dice at a time, all three sets equaling 11 each) by a lvl 20 Jedi Consular/Master in a practice duel with the PC Padawan?
Can you say, "Epic Fail"?
Reasons why SW:RCR was a baaaaaad gaming system.
Ummm... I don't get it, I think. I don't recall lightsabers having critical failure rules, at any rate, if you're saying the level 20 jedi managed to cut off his own arm in a practice duel.
If that wasn't your intent, I'm lost. If it was, then... well, as I say, I don't remember any critical failure rules, so that wouldn't make RCR a bad system, it just means you had a bad houserule.
Our party's negotiator got a call at the table the other day. Since it wasn't distracting and we didn't really need him at the moment, we let him talk as we did other things. But then we came up in front of the king's advisor, and needed to make a Diplomacy check.
At this point, apparently, the negotiator had reached a dead-end in his conversation, and while we were waiting for his Diplomatic speech he said,
"I've discovered that I'm allergic to my socks!"
I'd like to say that, when he got around to it, he got a natural 20 on his Diplomacy check. But he didn't.
Paraphrased, as I can't remember the exact words:
NPC: "So I notice your other member, the angry woman, isn't here with you today."
PC: "Oh yes, about that. Well, we found her eating babies, so we simply had to handle the situation."
NPC: "My god! Did you take care of the monster?"
PC: "Of course. We dropped the little buggers down a well. And then she moved on to the next town."
Player 2: Yes, and it's hilarious!
One PC has charged the titan. The titan attacks. I roll a natural 20. Katherine shifts slightly. The dice rolls over to a 2. The player notices.
"Saved by Katherine's backside"
Later, that fight, one player lists the damage done to the titan as "I've cut one leg of, the dragon's mauled the other, somebody hacked a hand and a ear off and the NPCs have shot him a bit. If he survives this he'll get a great parking space!"
The pertinent characters are Nadira, a NG human female cleric, and Boreas, a CG male human ranger. Boreas has a nasty habit of rolling very low while firing in to melee, while I have this nasty house rule about critical misses, AKA fumbles or botches. Anyway, combat starts, initiative is rolled and Nadira, who's a DDM Persister, says, "Okay, I'm going to charge in. No one fire into melee! I hate getting nailed from behind like this. Boreas has already nailed me like 5 times!" Suddenly, the player stops and realizes what she's saying while the rest of us start stifling chuckles. Meanwhile, Nadira's player starts turning beet red.
Sigged and here's a cookie!
GM: The door at the end of the hall is ajar.
Me: What is it a jar of?
GM: What? Oh, ha. It's a jar of pickles.
Me: I cast Detect Magic. Are they magic pickles?
GM: No.
Me: Science pickles? Can she detect science?
GM: Yes. Yes, they are science pickles.
Me: Sweet. I eat one. Unless they're glowing. They're glowing, aren't they?
"You may escape the demons, but you'll never escape the ducks."
This... Is the greatest quote... I have ever read. I SALUTE YOU SIR!
on a side note...
The party's warlock enters a duel, but she gets to choose the weapons.
Warlock: Now we do battle... in DDR!
DM: You may be the only person to ever take Perform: DDR as a skill from level 1.
After the victory, she stands over her fallen opponent.
W: The funk wasn't with you. And for that you must burn. *Hellfire Blast*
Sometimes I worry about her...
*To warlock after the noxious blast is launched into melee with the precise shot feat* Dude, down wind next time!
I dont care what the books 'dont' say, you can not mate with a harpy!
Halfling monk of the dodge/mobility/spring attack discipline, order of the waist high fist. "All right, I moved into melee withthe ogre last round right? He is a large creature and I am small right? I make a spring attack with my decisive strike set for a stunning attack, I choose to move 10 feet strait up and then 15 to the side. *roll nat 20* "Snake steals eggs from eagles nest!" (we spent a good 5 min trying to come back from that, especialy since I used a sqweaky micky mouse voice to make the martial art cry.)
I never said we were mature players at this particular table.
Halfling monk of the dodge/mobility/spring attack discipline, order of the waist high fist. "All right, I moved into melee withthe ogre last round right? He is a large creature and I am small right? I make a spring attack with my decisive strike set for a stunning attack, I choose to move 10 feet strait up and then 15 to the side. *roll nat 20* "Snake steals eggs from eagles nest!" (we spent a good 5 min trying to come back from that, especialy since I used a sqweaky micky mouse voice to make the martial art cry.)
:heehee "Order of the Waist High Fist" is definitely going to be a halfling monastic order in my homebrew. And they will have a move called "Snake steals eggs from Eagle's nest."
I dont care what the books 'dont' say, you can not mate with a harpy!
Ooh!
:heehee "Order of the Waist High Fist" is definitely going to be a halfling monastic order in my homebrew. And they will have a move called "Snake steals eggs from Eagle's nest."
That's as bad as my friend's kobold monk, who practiced the "Nihai Dragon" style of martial arts. (Say it aloud.)
That's as bad as my friend's kobold monk, who practiced the "Nihai Dragon" style of martial arts. (Say it aloud.)
Tell your frind some strange halfling monk bought his Kobold a nehi grape soda.
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things get out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield :D
[u]After defeating the mob-boss and rescuing the kings brother. We proceeded to make our way back home. Trouble was, we needed an airship, and we were short on cash. With all options expended, we bought tickets for a commercial liner. We could only afford 5 tickets. Musashi and Yumei knocked out a couple of ticket collectors and took their clothing. An assassin tried to stab the brother in the back, Musashi noticed, and through him off the ship. Naturally, people were staring, so Musashi thought fast.[/u]
Musashi: He didn't have a ticket.
After getting back, this conversation erupted.
Sarevok: Something doesn't feel right...
Musashi: What?
Sarevok: Nothing blew up this time.
Musashi: Hey, that is unusual.
Kings Brother: You fellows are such jokers!
Musashi: What makes you think we're joking?
The coronation occured without a hitch, wish I could say the same about the after party. We were told to guard the kitchen. These events occured on our watch
DM: Roll spot everyone
*everyone succeeds*
DM: You see one of the cooks pour something into the kings soup before placing it on the trolly.
Rand: Everyone, get down, I've got a plan. *Walks over to the cook* Hey Garcon! We got a special request for a certain table. *Bluff of 31*
Cook: *Fails sense motive* What is it?
Rand: *Hands him a note*
Cook: *Reading* Today, I cast explosive-
BOOM!
Naturally there was a commotion. Rand poked his head out the kitchen to explain things.
Rand: Sorry about that folks! Chef put a bit too much pepper in the soup! We'll just skip to the main course then shall we?
After making a skill check, Sarevok Identified the poison.
Rand: Well? What is it.
Sarevok: Paprika.
Everyone:
DM: Chalk up another atrocity, innocent civilian death.
Yumei (OOC): We already did that, many times.
DM: Huh. Well then, they've now stacked up enough to count as a genocide, so add that instead.
Musashi: Only 8 more atrocities to go, and we break 100!
This... Is the greatest quote... I have ever read. I SALUTE YOU SIR!
on a side note...
The party's warlock enters a duel, but she gets to choose the weapons.
Warlock: Now we do battle... in DDR!
DM: You may be the only person to ever take Perform: DDR as a skill from level 1.
After the victory, she stands over her fallen opponent.
W: The funk wasn't with you. And for that you must burn. *Hellfire Blast*
Sometimes I worry about her...
Why thank you. We just had an epic session last night. Let's see what I can dredge up . . . We were facing an entire undead army, with the aid of various NPCs. Yes, it's a full scale war type battle. At the beginning, our leader speaks. "I don't have any special speech prepared, so I'm just going to steal one." Ethan interrupts: "We love you, Sarion! Have my babies! OOC: You all get +2 to will saves against fear." It was some special ability he had. Our leader continues. "Anyway, like I was saying. Students! Tonight, we num in hell!" The 300 references continue, with someone kicking a skeleton into an open grave (where it shatters). "Madness?! THIS. IS. WILLIAMS!"
Kazbo and Nbaka end up pulling their vortex of teeth + manyjaws combo and punch a huge hole in the army, forcing the rest to split up to get around the hurricane of phantom piranhas. Kazbo ends up riding a flying boat overhead. He casts Dragon Breath and gets DM permission to alter the spell to turn a wind-up duck into a flamethrower. He also ends up "getting sea sick" over the edge. This is once again a Dragon Breath attack.
Azok, our minotaur frenzied beserker picks a fight with a zombie minotaur: "Nobody looks like me but evil!"
Azok caves in the thing's face but ends up being dragged elsewhere before finishing it off. A troll skeleton ends up dropping her to exactly 0 hp. Some mid-battle healing (thanks to Ethan, our elven crusader) brings her up to 13. Immediately, the zombie minotaur charges her (some sort of trip attempt based on bull rushing). Azok rolls a natural 20 on the opposed strength check (you know, being a minotaur and all with the powerful build trait). She grabs the thing's horns and slams it to the ground. "That's bull."
As we near the end of the battle, the DM switches to cinematic combat, which means most rolls are taken out of the equation and we just get to look awesome. The battle's already won, really. Nbaka spots some skeletons, including wolf ones. "Oi mon, not cool. Don't be dissing Mother Nature like that. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned). While in earth elemental form he rolls down a hill and bowls over the skeletons, scattering them like pins. For the next round he's left 50 feet in the air thanks to the crash. He turns into a fire elemental and slams through an ogre zombie like a spear, dealing his falling damage to it. His momentum continues, burying him underground. He then explodes up, causing a volcanic eruption that wipes out the remaining mooks, and sends the bigger undead fleeing, trampling the remainder. The others get similarly awesome stuff. Ethan "Legolasses" an undead siege engine (climbing up it and shooting it point blank), Kazbo gets to "Hadoken," and Azok gets to borrow Thor's hammer. It's the size of one of those Stonehenge rocks.
We capture the necromancer lieutenant, whom our leader recognized from grade school. "It's always disturbing to learn that the scum of villainy has spread to your hometown."
Kazbo: "Unless you're from New York City, in which case it's an improvement."
Sarion: Touche. Touche.
well Tsu, your team has tried for it and waspinator has bled for it, and since nobody else seems to be using it:
I promised myself I wouldn't cry :D
Fighter:*punching guy* Come on have some fun!
Me (Monk lv. 16 Str bounus +6):I'm a monk
Fighter: come on monks have to have fun too!
Me: ... I'm a Monk
Fighter: oh...
PC1: This man is iredeamably evil, and ...
PC2 (interuppting): I'd like to point out, it was the *lich* of a *death goddess* that just said that.
Also, when the boss (Sarion) revealed that he had known the (incredibly petite) necromancer from kindergarten:
Nbaka: She hasn't grown much since then, has she?
After the battle, Iggy (Sarion's Companion - basically an animal companion analog that's an imaginary friend brought into reality thanks to an overlap with the Virtual Plane) sets out some rewards. He was in command of the really tricked out flying boat. He presses some button to activate a smoothie maker.
Iggy to Kazbo: "Relax mon. Have a smoothie."
Nbaka: "Oi mon! That be my accent. Get your own!"
Bard: I got an idea
All:[b]NO![b]
Necro: I got a plan.
All: oh-no
Nacro:watch, 2 spells you'll see! Bard, I need you to go shoot the guard on the right, alright? Then, when the right guard turns away I want you to throw your voice and read this note.
bard: Kay! ^_^
Nero: (ooc)first I cast spectral hand. Then I hold my action untill the moment the guard dies, I have deathwatch up to track his HP.
*Bard rolls a crit*
Necro: create undead on the guard!
Guard: Oh no! Travis, your hit! Call the alarm!
Necro: command undead, attack the guard!
Bard (as guard): Its just a flesh wound see?
DM *rolls for undead guard, crit against the other guard!*
Bard (now add libing) Oh, guess you forgot the toughness feat huh?
Monk: somehow I think the bards idea might have been better for once.
***
during character creation: Hey, as a human bard, can i put that extra skill point into knowledge (what i'm doing) so its not a bluff check anymore?
So couple of weekends ago we sat down to game again. After a long hiatus. Let's just say that it could have gone a lot better...
We created characters - bard, butt-naked dwarf barbarian, rogue and wizard (me).
DM: ok, so you've just finished this adventure and your on your way to town (is it only me or is that the stupest way to start a campaign?). What are you doing?
The party then split up. Dwarf and Rogue went to tavern to get drunk while me and the bard went to the market. Long story short, the bard wanted to haggle his dagger as a +1 dagger for profit. When suddenly he was pickpocketed by a child.
DM: The child runs.
Bard: I shoot at him.
DM:
you're in the middle of a market full of people, you know?Bard: I still shoot him.
The other two came to find us and saw it all. Me and the rogue started chasing the thief. Bard and Dwarf started an argument with the local guard. Around that time we kinda got stupid and... well, the bard accused the market guy as being part of this huge child abusing market of thiefs and tried to diplomacy the guard to arrest him. All this while the barbarian dwarf was farting and yelling at the merchant to grant the bard an aid another bonus... On our end I used Summon spell to conjure a Volvo and the rogue rapid shot the kid from the sunroof. Later on DM brought in a gnome who polymorped the kid into a hamster an then claimed him as his pet. Then we snicked in hi home and stole the hamster with the rogue replacing it with a paper sketch of a hamster. =D
And it just got worse from there. You should have been there...
... On our end I used Summon spell to conjure a Volvo and the rogue rapid shot the kid from the sunroof....
Did your DM cry tears of blood and hurl his notes out the window when this happened?
You should have been there...
No, no, that's quite alright.
"...why does the Warforged Infiltrator look like Victor von Doom?"
Later on DM brought in a gnome who polymorped the kid into a hamster an then claimed him as his pet. Then we snicked in hi home and stole the hamster with the rogue replacing it with a paper sketch of a hamster. =D
You sure it wasn't a goblin lich named Gurgatar? ;)
(ask Orcy the Green Wonder if you don't get the reference)
Not really from the game, but something I said aloud while looking over the gallery of the most recent D&D Minis set:
"...why does the Warforged Infiltrator look like Victor von Doom?"
HA! I thought the exact same thing when I got one!
Not really from the game, but something I said aloud while looking over the gallery of the most recent D&D Minis set:
"...why does the Warforged Infiltrator look like Victor von Doom?"
I don't know but I now want one.
Did your DM cry tears of blood and hurl his notes out the window when this happened?
It was a deranged session. I don't think that we ever got to even roll a dice over anything. It's just started out as the worst plot hook in entire universe and continued with the help of 4 really stupid characters (shall we say, players). You can't really blame anyone.
It was a deranged session. I don't think that we ever got to even roll a dice over anything. It's just started out as the worst plot hook in entire universe and continued with the help of 4 really stupid characters (shall we say, players). You can't really blame anyone.
I'm not blaming everyone: it sounds like everyone was at fault there. I would have had a blast.
The campaign's still basically borked, thoough
Did your DM cry tears of blood and hurl his notes out the window when this happened?
Oh, you'd love one of the campaigns I'm in. I'm currently playing a half vampire (-light sensitivity + gaseous form no less) hengeyokai weapon master (shovel) whose possessions include D&D books, a rubber duck, a red lightsaber, a can of monster, a decanter of endless water, Mr. Popper's Penguins, a limited bag of holding with a 49 lb ball of iron in it, a magic flying umbrella, a pair of pointy sunglasses and a cape depicting a fiery skull wearing said sunglasses :D
*shrug* some games are more serious then others. Some are more silly then others.
And then others are morons:
Midge
And last was my 15-year old brother. And let me say this: He is half-blind. He can't see the dice worth a damn (and he even uses translucent dice sets), much less his own sheet or maneuvers. Also, he can't roll higher than a 12 without loaded dice. Which we have caught him using before. The only reason he is even playing is because my house is the largest and most-readily available to play at, and I am currently living with my mother, as I can't move in with my father and still get to my college classes until I get my driver's license.
So, he wiffs several times, the DM has to fudge rolls to keep his character alive for the session as the rats get him down to 1 HP with their fire damage. Woot, except for the part about him sparing my brother from making a new character, as it would have taken him the rest of the night and a good portion of next week to do so. Oh, and have I ever mentioned that my brother is Chaotic Stupid IRL, and has no clue how to play any of the alignments? And that he has no common sense or creativity whatsoever? And that he is very gullible? No? Well, now you know that I have to put up with a spoiled brat who has bitten his school teachers on multiple occasions and not been kicked out of school for it, has to take meds he hates, and has a grudge against both the DM and myself.
So, he wiffs several times, the DM has to fudge rolls to keep his character alive for the session as the rats get him down to 1 HP with their fire damage. Woot, except for the part about him sparing my brother from making a new character, as it would have taken him the rest of the night and a good portion of next week to do so. Oh, and have I ever mentioned that my brother is Chaotic Stupid IRL, and has no clue how to play any of the alignments? And that he has no common sense or creativity whatsoever? And that he is very gullible? No? Well, now you know that I have to put up with a spoiled brat who has bitten his school teachers on multiple occasions and not been kicked out of school for it, has to take meds he hates, and has a grudge against both the DM and myself.
And then others are morons:
and your funny line here is?... that he doesent know you won on a bet against him?
Not trying to provoke anything (much less an Aoo :P) just trying to find the humor in the rant.
... a can of monster...
?
What's this I've found?
"Powdered Tarrasque, Just Add Water"?
Longtiefling is looooooong.
and your funny line here is?... that he doesent know you won on a bet against him?
Not trying to provoke anything (much less an Aoo :P) just trying to find the humor in the rant.
No. Its the fact that he is an idiot both IC and OOC that makes it funny to me.
Still accepting bets on how long it takes for us to kill his backup characters too!
?
What's this I've found?
"Powdered Tarrasque, Just Add Water"?
close :D
No. Its the fact that he is an idiot both IC and OOC that makes it funny to me.
Still accepting bets on how long it takes for us to kill his backup characters too!
First session when he tries to tank?
close :D
Oh... right... forgot about that kind...
I still think my idea could beat yours in a fight, though.
Oh... right... forgot about that kind...
I still think my idea could beat yours in a fight, though.
OOOOOOOOOH thems fightin' words.
*reserved for quote that may stick in my mind from tonight's game*
OOOOOOHHHH!!!!
What if you took my Instant Tarrasque and ADDED monster to it?
Hmmmmmm.....
I think I need a while to let my mind encompass it...
First session when he tries to tank?
Marking that down. Any particular style for the kill or who gets the final blow on the kid, or do you want to leave it open?
Oh, you'd love one of the campaigns I'm in. I'm currently playing a half vampire (-light sensitivity + gaseous form no less) hengeyokai weapon master (shovel) whose possessions include D&D books, a rubber duck, a red lightsaber, a can of monster, a decanter of endless water, Mr. Popper's Penguins, a limited bag of holding with a 49 lb ball of iron in it, a magic flying umbrella, a pair of pointy sunglasses and a cape depicting a fiery skull wearing said sunglasses :D
Mr Poppins from hell?
Marking that down. Any particular style for the kill or who gets the final blow on the kid, or do you want to leave it open?
I want to vote for his own stupidity/forgetting a rule.
OR! falling 10 feet into a spiked pit trap, then continualy failing his climb check and falling back in for another D6, add in poison/disease. *slides 5$ under the table to the GM to include said trap*
Oh, you'd love one of the campaigns I'm in. I'm currently playing a half vampire (-light sensitivity + gaseous form no less) hengeyokai weapon master (shovel) whose possessions include D&D books, a rubber duck, a red lightsaber, a can of monster, a decanter of endless water, Mr. Popper's Penguins, a limited bag of holding with a 49 lb ball of iron in it, a magic flying umbrella, a pair of pointy sunglasses and a cape depicting a fiery skull wearing said sunglasses :D
You don't scare me.
I've played with Grout. Grout the dwarven barbarian with ridiculous Con, who was a member of a sky pirate crew. Grout who was asked to go to the freelancer's guild and have their privateering license renewed. Grout who, when he was told by the clerk that "I don't have anything on your ship in my files" for fifteen minutes, yelled out, 'I'LL FILE YE!' and grabbed the clerk, shoved his head in the file cabinet, and grabbed the file he used to sharpen his axe and started rubbing it on his head. And then I played with Cale. Cale the BardFighClerSorWizDruBarian. Who was raised by orcs. And carried around a ROOOOOOOD of WONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDER!!! (not a Rod of Wonder, you have to say it right: ROOOOOOOD of WONNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNDER!!!)
. . . okay, yours is weirder
Mr Poppins from hell?
Pretty much. More of an unholy fusion of Mary Poppins and Kamina actually.
Which led to the following exchange;
"Wait, we have a vampiric mary poppins who fights with a shovel."
"Sooo, Mary Poppins?"
"Yeah, why do you think they never made a sequel?"
OOOOOOHHHH!!!!
What if you took my Instant Tarrasque and ADDED monster to it?
The tarrasque on a sugar rush? Well, there goes the neighborhood. And by neighborhood, I mean continent.
( :lightbulb )
OOOOOOHHHH!!!!
What if you took my Instant Tarrasque and ADDED monster to it?
Hmmmmmm.....
I think I need a while to let my mind encompass it...
a tarasque with templates? eeeeewwwww
Cale the BardFighClerSorWizDruBarian.
that reminds me of fumbles from the webcomic goblins who chose to become a PC in order to fight off a group of adventurers. His class: 1/11th of all of the core classes
I want to vote for his own stupidity/forgetting a rule.
OR! falling 10 feet into a spiked pit trap, then continualy failing his climb check and falling back in for another D6, add in poison/disease. *slides 5$ under the table to the GM to include said trap*
Excellent! A bribe for the DM...
Marking down the idea and bet.
Pretty much. More of an unholy fusion of Mary Poppins and Kamina actually.
This sounds incredibly awesome and makes me wish I could draw.
Moroni = Young dragon who can shapeshift into a house cat.
ask him if he has read an online comic called "The Arbitors"
Excellent! A bribe for the DM...
Marking down the idea and bet.
Killed by a dirgesinger named MJ Ackson with his legion of zombies that step in tune to Thriller. :D
Geoff: M Human Paladin
Mac: M Human Ninja
Osaka: F Human Warlock
Al: M Warforged Wizard
During a shopping trip, Mac and Geoff were selling the loot when Geoff accidentally killed a "thief", which was just a commoner who was trying to get his attention.
Geoff: "This doesn't count against me, right? I mean, he was trying to steal from us."
Mac: *muttering as he writes in a small black book* "Geoff... hit by carriage... 12:35 P.M...."
DM: Did you just write him a Death Note?!?
Later, during a fight, Al uses a scroll of fly and built-in wands of magic missle to fight and beat a wyvern.
Al: *landing on the ground* "I am IRON MAN."
Osaka: *Eldritch Blast, knocking off Al's head*
Al: "That's messed up, yo."
kinda long...
Out of sheer boredom, the party went to an arena, where Geoff competed in single combat against kobolds. Eight level 6 kobold monks, to be exact...
Up to this point, Geoff had been rolling poorly, and was now surrounded on all sides by kobolds.
Kobold 1: "And now for our ultimate attack!"
Kobold 2: "You mean...?"
K1: "Yes. WHEEL OF B**** SLAP!"
Kobold 3: "Trademark."
All eight kobolds flurry, slapping our poor Paladin three times each. Needless to say, he lost.
Next, Mac was matched up against the kobolds.
Al: "Are you scared, Mac?"
Mac: "It is not fear that grips me, but a heightened sense of things..."
Osaka: "Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is..."
Mac does a really nifty ninja jump, and manages to knock out four kobolds in three turns, then critically fumbles a tumble.
DM: "Mac, as you knock out two kobolds with one kick, you tumble backwards and out of the arena, falling through the wooden roof to the waiting room below.
Mac: *muffled* "That was totally on purpose!"
As Al fights, he fails to hit with a single spell, leading to the following quip:
Osaka: *to the tune of Iron Man* "Has, he, lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind?"
We are filled with dread at the release of the Iron Man movie, since nothing else has inspired this many quotes since I saw 300.
Up to this point, Geoff had been rolling poorly, and was now surrounded on all sides by kobolds.
Kobold 1: "And now for our ultimate attack!"
Kobold 2: "You mean...?"
K1: "Yes. WHEEL OF B**** SLAP!"
Kobold 3: "Trademark."
All eight kobolds flurry, slapping our poor Paladin three times each. Needless to say, he lost.
Next, Mac was matched up against the kobolds.
Al: "Are you scared, Mac?"
Mac: "It is not fear that grips me, but a heightened sense of things..."
Osaka: "Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is..."
Mac does a really nifty ninja jump, and manages to knock out four kobolds in three turns, then critically fumbles a tumble.
DM: "Mac, as you knock out two kobolds with one kick, you tumble backwards and out of the arena, falling through the wooden roof to the waiting room below.
Mac: *muffled* "That was totally on purpose!"
As Al fights, he fails to hit with a single spell, leading to the following quip:
Osaka: *to the tune of Iron Man* "Has, he, lost his mind? Can he see or is he blind?"
We are filled with dread at the release of the Iron Man movie, since nothing else has inspired this many quotes since I saw 300.
Killed by a dirgesinger named MJ Ackson with his legion of zombies that step in tune to Thriller. :D
...You know, I was planning on taking Leadership for a Dread Necromancer. And then having him pull the Chicken Bomber for undead minions. Would that count?
King: What deeds?
PC: We single handedly killed 200 kobolds.
King: AT ONCE?!
PC: Well no.. We had breaks in between villages.
King: What about the women and children?
PC: They ran really fast but we got them too.
King: Get out...
PC: What?
King: GET OUT!
...You know, I was planning on taking Leadership for a Dread Necromancer. And then having him pull the Chicken Bomber for undead minions. Would that count?
Undead leadership from libris mortis.
When my group encountered meepo.... I was playing a catfolk sorcerer, we also had a tiefling rouge, a dwarven fighter, a human fighter, and a half-orc cleric of korg.
Dm: roll sense motive
Me: *rolls a nat 20* Cat sense...tingling...
My encounter with meepo didn't end well at all.....DM: you see a stone table with a sheet on it, there is a small form quivering under the sheet.
Me(level 1 goblin rouge):OOC- I run up to it, rip off the sheet, and yell "whoareyou?!?!?!?!?!?"
Elf: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!
DM: You see a small kobold curled up in a ball on the stone table, when tou rip off the sheet it yells "AHHHH MEEPO SCARED!!!!"
Elf: OOC- MEEPO!!
Me: OOC-
who the hell is meepo???Elf: OOC- A kobold
LATER
Elf: Ok meepo says that he will take us to his queen if you wont hurt anyone
Me: Ok I wont
Elf: I don't trust you
*ties so much rope around me that I can barely breathe and from the outside you cant see an inch of my skin*LATER
DM: ok you walk into a hall filled with kobbolds, there is a throne at the end with a kobbold sitting in it. Meepo runs into the crowd of kobbolds and you hear whispering. Suddenly the kobbolds start pelting you*points at me* with stones
Dick: So everyone's flying about opening fire and hoping to hit eachother?
DM: Pretty much
Dick: Ooh! Dogfight!
DM: What?
Dick: Flying dogs! We need some flying dogs!
DM: You are not gathering up the entire canine population of the city and launching them from catapults.
Dick: Flying Creature template then?
DM: Oh look, 4 of the undead are flanking you!
DM: You enter a small room, there appears to be distinct signs of religious activity.
I rolled a 1 on my spot check
Barbarian: HOLY CRAP!!! WHO TOOK MY SWORDS?! (Looks around) WHOAH, I JUST FOUND SOME AWESOME SWORDS YOU GUYS!!!
Wizard: Those are your swords, idiot.
Dm:Ok in the center of the room you see a stone altar.
Cleric: Do the altar seem to be aligned to a divinity i know?
Dm:Make a knowledge religion
Cleric:*Roll 1* OMG THIS IS A MIGHTY CHAIR OF PELOR!!
Me(Sorcerer):This isnt a chair dummy!I will identify it!
Dm:Make a knowledge arcana
Me:*Roll 1* PRAISE THE MIGHTY CHAIR OF PELOR!!
"You mean you went into that room for less than a minute, had your beard pulled off by a undead hooker, tried to shoot her, but your gun backfired and took your eyebrows off so you ran out to ask me to finish her off and get your beard back so maybe the cleric can reattach it. Have I got that straight?
(After a botched grapple check then a botched attack roll with a gun)
=========
A couple of our members are T-total (don't drink alcohol)
We had a new guy joining with us, he played a pirate because it involved very little role playing on his part. He started drinking whenever his character was drinking, after about half the session he went to the toilet, we switched his D20 for a 20 sided D10, he didn't realize for the last four hours of the session. That taught him not to drink and roleplay.
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield
With the dinner party incident under our belts. The new King began to inform us about the master-mind behind the whole ordeal.
King: He is a warlord of unparalleled ambition, great warriors have crumbled before his might. Mighty wizards have fallen to his blade!
Musashi: Sounds like fun!
King: He also looks like Bruce Payne!
Musashi:
Long story short, we were forced to go east, problem was, we were once again left without any means of transportation. The new King was not prepared to give us an airship. Being low on cash, we had to steal again. Unfortunately, we robbed a Used Airship dealership by accident, our new ship crashed approximately 3 days after we began our journey. Coincidently destroying a large portion of an elven city. Suffice to say, we were captured again. We were put on trial.
Judge: It seems that you have been making a name for yourselves, Group W Bench 2! From what we understand, your crimes include:
Blowing up a school....
Sarevok: It was a secret lair for mind-flayers!
Judge: Theft of a priceless treasure....
Rand: It belonged in a museum!
Judge: Murder of Royalty....
Musashi: How were we supposed to know she was allergic to turnips?
Judge: Blowing up a mages guild....
Sarevok: Hey! those magic scrolls were death traps waiting to happen!
Judge: ****....
Rand: She told me she was married!
Judge: and littering!
Musashi: You can't try us for that! We payed 20 GP and had to pick up the garbage!
Should invest ranks into diplomacy and bluff. :P
Rand's Bluff skill is incredibly high. But no-one thought to put ranks in diplomacy
Once again, The further adventures of Group W Bench 2. Would anyone object, if I posted a story about the group, as a separate thread?
The cast:
Me: Musashi, lvl 11 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 11 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 10 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 7/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 11 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 11 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield
With the dinner party incident under our belts. The new King began to inform us about the master-mind behind the whole ordeal.
King: He is a warlord of unparalleled ambition, great warriors have crumbled before his might. Mighty wizards have fallen to his blade!
Musashi: Sounds like fun!
King: He also looks like Bruce Payne!
Musashi:
Long story short, we were forced to go east, problem was, we were once again left without any means of transportation. The new King was not prepared to give us an airship. Being low on cash, we had to steal again. Unfortunately, we robbed a Used Airship dealership by accident, our new ship crashed approximately 3 days after we began our journey. Coincidently destroying a large portion of an elven city. Suffice to say, we were captured again. We were put on trial.
Judge: It seems that you have been making a name for yourselves, Group W Bench 2! From what we understand, your crimes include:
Blowing up a school....
Sarevok: It was a secret lair for mind-flayers!
Judge: Theft of a priceless treasure....
Rand: It belonged in a museum!
Judge: Murder of Royalty....
Musashi: How were we supposed to know she was allergic to turnips?
Judge: Blowing up a mages guild....
Sarevok: Hey! those magic scrolls were death traps waiting to happen!
Judge: ****....
Rand: She told me she was married!
Judge: and littering!
Musashi: You can't try us for that! We payed 20 GP and had to pick up the garbage!
One again groupe w bench 2 is pure genius XD go fell free to post a story
Klugbart ("Wisebeard"), Dwarven Artificer with 8 CHA
Knut, Human Paladin of Tyr
Agator, Human Wizard
Lyra, Elven Druid
"Bob", Antagonist with a knack for cheesy codenames and clothing
The party found hints that Bob is again digging for something, this time in the Anauroch. But before they get there they have to pass through the Border Forest.
Searching for a safe passage for their carriage through the woods
Klugbart: Goddamit, they can't just build a forest here without a proper way through!
Lyra: This is clearly a fairy forest.
Klugbart: How d'ya know? Did you find some fairy crap?
After they were caught by the dryads inside a fake aisle and told to slay some zhentarim cutting a real passage through the forest the party found themselves on the other side, at the brink of the desert.
There's an inn called "Last Tavern Before The Great Emptiness"
Klugbart: I'm going inside to check the local rumors.
Agator: I hope everybody realizes that the dwarf's not going in there because he wants informations?
Knut talks to the bartender
Knut: But you do realize that from the other side of the anauroch your inn is the first one after the desert?
Bartender: Well, ummm, never thought of that, really. Maybe I should start a franchise or something....
The party observes some guards patrolling in the desert and I'm drawing a rough map of the surrounding ruins.
Player (OOC): Can't you put another stone there? *points at the map*
Me (DM): No, why, there's none.
Player (OOC): But that sucks because it means we can't hide there!
Everything translated from German again ;)
Once again, The further adventures of Group W Bench 2. Would anyone object, if I posted a story about the group, as a separate thread?
I wont object only if you A. continue to post in this thread, or B. Link the new thread here so we can all enjoy.
I wont object only if you A. continue to post in this thread, or B. Link the new thread here so we can all enjoy.
Seconded.
You guys rock.
I wish I could DM a game like that...
Relax, Group W Bench 2 will not be gone, the story will be mostly fictional, with a few gags that actually happened. Our true exploits will still be posted here. Only problem is where to post our tale.
D&D General is probably your best bet.
Players:
Lawrence-Tira Duskmoon, A near-human (Elf) Scoundrel
Clark-Corran, Human Scout
Del-"Carpet", Wookie Soldier
Mike-Tessek, Quarren Soldier
The PCs blew up Sel Zonn station because Corran rolled a Natural 1.
So I hope you enjoyed this and I will continue to keep reporting on my Dawn of Defiance Campaign.
Please do it in a different thread that's designated for that. This thread is for funny lines (and funny events, at a stretch), not campaign reports.
Frankly, there might've been something funny in that novel you wrote, but I missed it because I'm not going to wade through three pages of text for a one-liner.
Hmm this is a good question, maybe just post it in the Whats a player to do section or dnd general section?
How about the Once Upon a Time section?
Shortened it to just the funny part.
The DM screwing over the players with a poorly-implemented critical failure system is funny?
You, sir, are having badwrongfun.
The DM screwing over the players with a poorly-implemented critical failure system is funny?
You, sir, are having badwrongfun.
Actually, we no longer know what he rolled a natural 1 on, or how that led to the explosion.
I think he pared down the story just a little too much.
I was mostly confused until I looked up, thought a bit, and realized that it was a Star Wars game ....
:D
My group collapsed a building too last session. It went like this:
The party entered a fallen netherese city through the remains of a watchtower. After climbing down several levels because the floor gave way and seeing several sand intrusions they certainly knew that the tower wasn't in good shape.
In the last room (for them) they find a metal door. The walls are bulging because of the pressure from the outside. What they don't know: Bellow the sand on the floor is a trapdoor, leading to the lower part of the building. So naturally they try to open the metal door...
Merla: Guys, come help me, I can't open this thing all by myself!
Knut, Klugbart: Okay.
*While the three have to make a strength check, Agator and Lyra prepare to get the hell out*
Agator: This is going to be real bad.
DM: As you manage to turn the wheel on the door, you feel a pressure from the other side. Sand gushes in.
Knut: Umm... Klugbart! We'll hold the door shut while the others flee!
*Klugbart tries to lock the door again, but all he hears is sand grating inside the mechanism*
The rest of the party climbs up to the next floor while Klugbart and Knut have to make strength checks every round. After that, the two jump aside (so they don't get hit by the door) and run for it while sand fills the room quickly. Knut is pulled up last second, after the dwarf. The floor in the room above them now is crumbling and the whole watchtower shakes. Agator and Knut botch their balance checks and fall down one level but manage to get over barely with the second try, holding to each other.
Then comes the rope. Lyra flies up in bird form, Merla and Knut manage to climb up fairly quick while Agator stabilizes the rope. Klugbart is not so lucky and slides down a couple of meters, dripping a red, slightly alcoholic liquid on Agators nose. Lyra and Knut decide to pull the dwarf out and Agator casts fly on himself (and felt a little left behind as the rope started going up).
Of course they blamed the nomads that sold them the location of the entry for giving them directions to a rotten tower. They don't get their money back but have to pay only 100GP for the next entry and get some masterwork ropes for free. I hope they don't open any windows/doors to the outside this time.
I think he was trying to throw a grenade at a group of enemies, and it missed, went down a shaft of some kind, and ended up blowing the reactor core to pieces
This, sir, is exactly what happened.
So after a few minutes of RP that resulted in the druid not coming back to his room that night, if you know what I mean, wink wink nudge nudge, the DM puts on some silly music and tells me, "Meanwhile. . . the bard is laying in bed with the worst hangover in her life, as a basketball-sized sphere of glowing light bounces up and down on her chest excitedly yelling, 'I'M GIVING TENDER LOVING CARE! I'M GIVING TENDER LOVING CARE! I'M GIVING TENDER LOVING CARE! I'M GIVING TENDER LOVING CARE! I'M GIVING TENDER LOVING CARE!' She tries to bat it away, but it just bounces on her head, then on her arm, then on her leg. . . This happens ALL NIGHT LONG."
Me: "I'm not getting my spells back tonight, am I?"
DM: "Um, no."
I think he was trying to throw a grenade at a group of enemies, and it missed, went down a shaft of some kind, and ended up blowing the reactor core to pieces.
It's incredible that a society that can produce a weapon capable of shattering a planet hasn't invented the grate. Either that, or the Empire has no equivalent of OSHA.
It's incredible that a society that can produce a weapon capable of shattering a planet hasn't invented the grate. Either that, or the Empire has no equivalent of OSHA.
I always figured the death star's shaft was a cooling vent of some sort, and when the weapon fired it would be venting hot plasma or some such thing with great force, such that any covering would be blown off it anyway the first time you fired. Or maybe, as the movie implied, they just never considered snub fighters to be of interest, but designed the ship to defend itself against a massed "naval" bombardment.
But yeah, I dunno, the Imperial stuff always seems to have lots of edges with no guardrails, deep pits with no grating, etc etc etc...
Why would the Emperor's on-board throne room even HAVE giant pits in it, anyway? I suppose you could argue that the Death Star II was incomplete and maybe they hadn't put the floor in there yet, but that one actually HAD guardrails, which suggests it was meant to be that way...
On the other hand, it may just be for show, like how a Bond villain's lair will, y'know, be under a lagoon or have freely flowing lava (convection doesn't exist in movies) or be built on top of a shark tank.
It's incredible that a society that can produce a weapon capable of shattering a planet hasn't invented the grate. Either that, or the Empire has no equivalent of OSHA.
I always thought that too, but then I realized if the robots ever decided to kill us, it would be helpful for them to have obvious weakness. Doctor Wily and Robotnik are actually geniuses!
It's incredible that a society that can produce a weapon capable of shattering a planet hasn't invented the grate. Either that, or the Empire has no equivalent of OSHA.
Well, in the context of the module in question, it's a hole that someone opened deliberately and without the station officials' knowledge. No idea why, but the point is it's not supposed to be there at all.
That said, having a misthrown grenade go down it and blow up the rest of the adventure is still badwrongfun.
Sidious: Oh.... just shove him out the damn airlock.
Wizard: *casts Acid Splash*
DM: It misses. It flies by the elf and hits the side of the ship.
Wizard: *casts Acid Splash again*
DM: Also misses. It also hits the side of the ship.
Cleric (OOC): You're chipping the paint off the ship pretty badly.
Me (OOC): (to wizard) At least your Color Spray spell will finally come in handy.
I don't know if the Empire has OSHA or something like it. It may be just a designer mistake. They probably didn't plan for PCs to get ahold of any frag grenades.
Another set of funny parts all involved the wookie soldier named Carpet. He was unable to hit anyone by shooting his blaster rifle so he had to use it as a club. He also picked up and threw people, most notably one of the informants into a stormtrooper recruit. The recruit died.
***
DM: "All right, Player 1, you hit. . . roll for hit location."
Player 1: "*roll roll* Hit Location 7. . . Right Leg."
DM: "Roll for damage."
Player 1: "8 damage."
DM: "Wow. . . he goes down screaming and grabbing his knee, screaming, 'You shot my knee!' Second attack."
Player 1: "I hit."
DM: "Hit location?"
Player 1: ". . . 8. . ."
DM: "Right leg again? Roll for damage. . ."
Player 1: "9 damage."
DM: "He takes a bullet to the thigh."
***
Player 1: "Taking a shot at him. . . I hit. Hit location. . . 7 AGAIN! Another leg hit!?"
DM: "Roll for damage?"
Player 1: "6."
DM: "That'll put a bullet in his leg, but he's not down yet. . . Next attack?"
Player 1: "27 to hit."
DM: "Hit loc--."
Player 1: "No, wait, 24. Screw this hit location stuff, called shot to the left leg!"
DM: "*Laughter* Roll for damage!"
Player 1: ". . . max damage, 10!"
DM: ". . . his leg is now at -8 hit points. He no longer has a leg below the knee."
***
Player 2: "This is your new captain speaking. We have just retaken control of the ship from the pirates, and we have your leader in custody. And now, a word from the old captain."
Pirate Captain: "OH GOD, MY LEG, MY LEG, YOU !@#!@#ERS SHOT OFF MY LEG AAAAAAAGH!"
Player 2: "Thank you. That was a message from the old captain. We'd like to thank you all for travelling with us. Bingo in the ship's ballroom tonight, and the shuffleboard tournament is delayed until further notice."
I always thought that too, but then I realized if the robots ever decided to kill us, it would be helpful for them to have obvious weakness. Doctor Wily and Robotnik are actually geniuses!
I dont know about that, I always spent 2/3 of my lives against the bosses in megaman. actualy I spent 9/3 of my lives dieing over and over and over again to get too the boss, once I had that all mapped out then I lost 2/3 lives fighting the bosses.
I was playing a earth elemental
(ooc) Okay, we are evil so we have to do this interigation right... I find a gnome.
DM: there isn't one in the prison
I instruct the guards to get one off the street.
DM: okay
I pick him up
*grapple check*
I hold him over the prisoner...
and rip him in half!
DM: :OMG!
every one laughs while figuring out how to roll for this.
I actually fall out of my chair laughing at one point.
Me (DM)
Player 1: Aasimar Paladin
Player 2: Elven Ranger
Player 3: Human Bard
Player 4: Human Rogue
Player 5: Dwarf Cleric
Me: Okay, you subdue the last of the bandits and tie them up.
Player 5: I go around and start applying healing to rouse them. (Rolls Heal check) 28.
Me: You have no problem waking up the prisoners. One of them, a larger female with a wicked looking scar on her face, glowers at you menacingly.
Player 1: I ask her where the bandit leader is. (Rolls Diplomacy) Umm... 11?
Me: She spits in your face.
Player 1: WHAT? I slit her f****** throat!!
Player 3: Wait... aren't you a paladin?
Player 2: Was a paladin...
Player 4: YAY!!! No more of this "take prisoners" crap!
Player 2: "This is your new captain speaking. We have just retaken control of the ship from the pirates, and we have your leader in custody. And now, a word from the old captain."
Pirate Captain: "OH GOD, MY LEG, MY LEG, YOU !@#!@#ERS SHOT OFF MY LEG AAAAAAAGH!"
Player 2: "Thank you. That was a message from the old captain. We'd like to thank you all for travelling with us. Bingo in the ship's ballroom tonight, and the shuffleboard tournament is delayed until further notice."
Well played, sir, well played
(we were using pre-generated arcana evolved characters, so i don't remember the classes)
player 1 = male human fighter type
player 2 = female rjurik ranger type
player 3 = male something greenbond(I think)
It is roughly 8pm
*we knock on the door*
DM: a woman opens the door. "can i help you?"
player 1: "are you the blacksmith's wife?"
DM: she answers "yes, who are you?"
player 2: "we hear you've been catching pole from the catchpole."
(after a few moments of chuckling we manage to regain control of ourselves)
DM: you see her vanish behind the door for a second, and then a broom is being violently thrusted at you.
player 3: "ma'am, I apologize. My friend didn't mean to offend you. Please, we only need a moment of your time."
DM: [player 2] take 3 subdual damage. She's not listening to any of you.
player 1: god damn it [player 2], look what you've done.
player 2: it was totally worth it.
Me (playing a half-elf bard with a charisma of 22): Okay, I set my t!tt!es on "stun" and curtsy really, really low.
DM: You wha...? *turns red*
Do those normally come with a 'stun' setting?
If the target(s) are standing near a large drop they can also have a kill setting.
Hehe. Flash. I didn't even mean it that way until I wrote it.
Characters involved:
Igor: a ripper-doc with very low empathy (basically, he doesn't act very human anymore)
Belore: a very sexy mercenary woman
The scene:
After Belore yelled at Igor to get ready for the day's events (he was a deep sleeper, slept through an hour of alarms and wake-up calls) she tracked him down real fast just as he was starting his morning rituals. She opens the bathroom door of his hotel room to find him just having gotten into the shower.
Without a missed beat she (the player) states that Belore jumps into the shower (fully clothed, mind you) and begins stripping for Igor in a sexy way.
"Like what you see, Doc?" she asks him while peeling the wet clothes off her.
"My therapist says I should." my deadpan response.
With all that said I will say my line.
Alright so my party consists of a human barbarian/basuran dancer (weird I know), elan psion/soul knife, (forgot race) cleric and elven druid (me/Shang). NPC's included another elven druid (my g/f Esmaron), a bard, a psion, and a sun wyrm animal companion. The big storyline is that we keep turning into drow when we sleep and eventually they are starting to try and gain control of us while we are awake. The kicker is now when we turn into them we keep our own form (we don't actually look like drow) and it goes something like this.
DM: Make a will save
*All characters roll and I fail*
The characters need to get back to town after an adventure and want me to cast transport via plants on an oak tree to get back to town.
Me (acting as a drow who has no idea how to be a druid): Uh, sure and goes toward a tree(not an oak)and hugs it straining strangely.
Other players:
Barbarian: What are you doing?
Esmaron: Um, you do know that's not an oak tree, right?
Me (indignantly): Yes, I know what a tree is, I'm an elf!
Truly classic! Especially since he wasn't REALLY an elf but a drow at the time.
...he wasn't REALLY an elf but a drow...
...oy vey
In my game, I have a player, that plays his hellbred warlock 2, as a serious bad a$$. He's used intimidate at every opportunity, and loves to think of himself as the guy everyone is afraid of. He's also the biggest pervert I know. While investigating a lead we've gotten we all go into an alley. The other characters get hit with compulsions and leave him in the alley. He says "I feel so lonely now." Then he hears "Don't feel too lonely fella
" And a pair of imps drop their invisibility. They both attack, and drain alot of his dex, then his turn comes up. I ask him what he wants to do and he replies "run like a bich!!" And flees as fast as his medium armored feet will carry him. When describing the affect the poison is having on him I say "you're so stiff you can barely move." He responds OOC with: "I may not be able to move much but at least I can still be stiff!" Once he gets back into character and the other characters catch up to him, in the temple where he's hiding, he says "at least I still have one friend." and begins stroking a stuffed cat and rocking on his seat.We all laughed for a good twenty minutes :P
Basically it's:
Me: Samedii the Half-Fey Yuan-Ti Warlock (Basic races scare me...)
Des: William Scythe the Human Duskblade
Samedii is an absolute hedonist with a charisma of 22 and a dex of 29. Both went walkabouts in Giant country, and as we all know Giants have terrible will saves and much worse touch armor classes. They were easy pickings for our little team ^^
DM: You see an ettin...
William+Samedii in perfect unison: HOOOOORAY! *Samedii takes swig from rum bottle and shoots an eldritch ray*
Samedii (within ten minutes of being introduced to play): I play a song to the audience with my perform (Stringed instruments) check of thirty two, drink six wine glasses of spirits with a constitution check of eight and with my charisma check of twenty five proposition the barmaid's daughter.
DM: *Sobs* My campaign... my beautiful, beautiful campaign...
William: We will need potions to warm our spirits for battle. Samedii, go and gather some.
Samedii: Yessir! *Walks to licquor store and purchases four platinum pieces worth of rum*
William: Do we have all the supplies we need?
Samedii: Yes. Yes we do.
William: So you bought eighteen bottles of rum and no food?!
Samedii: Yes, but we've got about six days worth of meals right there!
William: I am not eating a troll.
DM: Samedii, for being ridiculously intoxicated I'm going to decree that you take a -8 to initiative checks.
Samedii: That means I only have a +1 now...
DM: You sicken me.
DM: The orcs look well stocked with armor, weapons, food and potions...
Samedii: Baleful utterance
DM: The orcs look well stocked with armor, weapons and food...
And of course:
Samedii: Fancy going turncoat and abondoning your city that you have loyally defended for years to team up with these rampaging orc hordes?
William: Meh.
Samedii: Great! I get drunk.
William: We spend six days making an array of vicous pit traps to seal ourselves into the gold mine to defend it until reinforcements arrive.
DM: How, pray tell, are the reinforcements going to arrive now that you've trapped every enterance?
William: The combined effects of three days constant drinking has reduced our wisdom to 3...
Samedii: According to the house rules I have a temporary wisdom score of 0. Am I unconcious?
DM:... Great, you've turned my adventure into a pub crawl.
More to come I expect :P
Gargs
Diana: I throw one of the dead kobolds into the lake to see if there is anything in the water.
DM: There is a small splash and the kobold sinks from view.
Bleys: What did you learn?
Diana: Dead kobolds don't float.
The cast:
- Mr. Dandalo (actually a placeholder name because I forgot). An anthro turtle who has more weapons than you know what to do with. Including a portable cannon.
- Ten-Fingered Jack. The wood mage. He can do all sorts of magic with wood (including turning it into other things), but he needs to turn other stuff into wood to do so. We suggested the name for comedic effect, because so many NPCs are named Jack.
- the ninja. An octopus ninja trying to learn to be a pirate. His player is also named Jack.
- the Swedish chef. The same one from the Muppets, and just as comprehensible. Played by the girlfriend of Mr. Dandalo.
- Chiree. The monkey in the crow's nest. Hates water and can't swim. Specializes in three-weapon fighting with daggers (opposable tails rock), and her signature is stabbing someone in their back right to their face.
- Bladebeard. Played by me. He's an anthro bearded dragon weather singer. He's also haunted by the ghost of his parrot, killed by Captain Lith (despite his tentacle beard, name, and his ship - the Calamari - it may only be a rumor that he eats people's brains). Bladebeard uses his spiky beard as a weapon, and he plans to go all Inigo Montoya on Captain Lith.
Scenes:
On the ship, the ninja asks for a duel to figure out how to fight like a pirate (and use a cutlass). So he ends up dueling me. I wipe the floor with him. We just barely avoid losing his cutlass to the sea. The ninja responds:
"These swords are weird! Speed? No! Balance? No! Sharpness? No! Why do you use them?"
DM: Since you're not a good pirate yet and don't have your own cutlass, they didn't feel like risking you losing a good one overboard. You can choose whether or not you notice this.
Our own Captain John Finch just go betrayed by former Captain Manny, and we're now facing a bunch of well-armed pirates who just pulled their weapons out a parrot of holding (actually exists in Pirate's Cove by another name). We're ordered to disarm. Bladebeard complies with ease - his cutlass is just for show. Mr. Dandalo strips off weapons like crazy. At the end, he drops a miniature cannon in front of him, pointing at Former Captain Manny. He then spends a hero point to declare that it's already loaded, and that he had dropped it on a piece of flint. With a kick and "Oops," Mr. Dandalo ignites the fuse. Chaos as the battle starts and Captain John Finch falls off the small cliff and rolls off down a steep hill and into the jungle.
Ten-Fingered Jack rushes up to a pair of pirates. "Please don't hurt me. This was just like that time at Tortuga. *sob* Just like that time with the meatloaf." He then reaches out and turns both pirates' clothes into wood, freezing them up.
After the battle, we go looking for our captain, having captured a parrot that can spit cannonballs. Mr. Dandalo wants to replace his destroyed cannon with it. We show it to Captain John Finch after explaining that the traitors got their weapons by pulling it out a parrot with a bottomless stomach, and this one can spit cannonballs. Captain John Finch grabs the thing, examines it for a moment, throws it up, and shoots it.
Captain John Finch: "This is bad news lads. It seems that Six-Fingered Jack is a practitioner of the rare and dark art of parrotmancy, whereby you can imbue parrots with great intelligence and magical abilities by feeding them part of your own body."
Mr. Dandalo: "Well, that does explain why he likes parrots so much, even though they ate four of his fingers."
In the battle with Captain Lith:
Bladebeard: "Hello! My name is Bladebeard. You have killed my parrot. Prepare to die."
Captain Lith: "Oh, you again? When will you just give up?"
The battle goes on, and Captain Lith is pretty darned tough. He'd have pounded me to pieces if I weren't spending hero points to downshift all the damage to zero.
Captain Lith: "Why won't you die like your damned parrot? I'm hitting you pretty hard!"
Chiree kill steals on me, but the DM, knowing that for cinematic reasons I've got to have a final blow, lets me get in one final move. I grab his tentacles and head butt him with my beard. "Hello. My name is Bladebeard. You have killed my parrot. Prepare to die." Then, I intimidate the whole crew into surrendering with my bloody cry: "Hello! My name is Bladebeard! He killed my parrot, and he has died!" The Swedish chef then bonks me with a skillet to quiet me down.
Also, at one point the couple's getting a little cuddly. It doesn't disrupt play in the slightest, until the Swedish chef needs to pull out some line. Someone asks her if she's ever sweet talked to her bf like that before. He interjects, "Thank God no." She responds, "Just wait until tonight." We laugh at the look of absolute horror that appears on his face, and he says "Do that, and you're sleeping on the couch tonight."
On a funny note regarding the Swedish Chef: Frank Oz controlled his hands/arms but Jim Henson did the head/voice. Frank Oz as a joke would constantly have the hands and arms do wild and unscripted things (such as chucking the cooking instruments during the opening words of the Chef) and Jim Henson would have to play them off. This is one of the reasons the Swedish Chef became so oddly wild.
Oh cool.
"These swords are weird! Speed? No! Balance? No! Sharpness? No! Why do you use them?"
Cutlasses are short, which allows them to be used freely in a ship's tight confines, and broad enough to hold a curved slashing edge capable of cutting rigging, heavy canvas, or plant material (much like a machete). It's a weapon and a tool, requires little training to use proficiently (unlike a rapier, the other contemporary blade light and maneuverable enough for a ship), and won't break easily.Actually, a cutlass would have an excellent turn of speed, being very short, and the curved blade could be quite sharp. Balance is a question of a particular design; any blade can be made well-balanced or badly-balanced based on its construction and pommel. In general, cutlasses would probably be hilt-heavy, which trades power for speed and manevuerability (which, again, would be critical on a ship).
Player 1: "As I stare down the barrel of the wookiees bowcaster, I quickdraw my mesh tape!"
DM: you what?!?
Player 1: i'm going to assume by your shocked look the wookie is also suprided by the mesh tape?
DM: *thoughtfull for a moment* "Alright, I'll give it to you, the mexican stand off is your mesh tape versus the wookiees bowcaster.
Player 1: As an action I talk to the wookiee. "Go ahead and shoot, i'll have some bad burns, but I swear the moment you have to reload that gun of yours, I'm going to give you an SCA bikini-wax!"
#1
9th level party is travelling through the sewers to try to sneak into a building when they are encountered by a loud booming voice.
Fezzrik (the NPC kobold wizard [yes wizard]): Halt you have not paid the toll to pass through the domain of Fezzrik the Magnificient!
Paladin: And, ummm exactly how much would this "toll" be?
Fezzrik: You must pay a toll of 10 gold pieces!
Ranger: What!? That's outrageous . . . oh wait, that's actually reasonable.
#2
DM: As you look from your perch atop the tower the combatants below start to crane their necks to the sky, as a loud roar erupts behind the nearby hill. Suddenly a gargantuan red dragon screams a cry of battle as it hurtles toward the battlefield.
Wizard: (tapping the pally with the wand of Fly) Go get her Ray!
#3
Elven Ranger: Once the fight's over I run around and cut the right index finger off of the gnolls that I killed.
Half-Orc Barbarian: Ewwwwww.
#4
Mage (to DM): Does fireball make any noise?
DM: Hmmmmmm, lemme think, umm yes.
Mage: Like what?
DM: ARRRRGRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHGHHHHH!
"I drop Delay Death for Inflict Critical Wounds!"
Anyway, some funny moments:
***
GM: "The lizard spits acid into your face."
The Mechanic: "I TAKE it!"
GM: ". . . might I remind you that your last character, Fred the Brick (who had tons of Mega-Endurance) died last session, and your new character, Ted the Mechanic, has NO ranks in Mega-Endurance?"
The Mechanic: "Oh. . . well. . . ummmm. . . I roll around on the floor screaming and clutching my face as the acid burns my skin."
GM: ". . . if you insist. Take. . . three points of damage. The second lizard spits acid at you, Steel Angel."
Steel Angel: "I attempt to dodge."
The Mechanic: "Oh WAIT! I could DODGE! Can I. . ."
GM: "Too late."
***
Ms Psyche: "I attempt to use Mind Control to take over the lizard's mind."
GM: "Roll it."
Ms. Psyche: ". . . botch. I guess I don't establish contact?"
GM: "Actually, no, you do establish contact. You now understand his motivations. . . A little too well, in fact. You now wish to kill the rest of the party just as much as he did."
***
Matter-Creation Lad: "I'm gonna use my powers to create an anvil over the lizard's head and bash his head in."
GM: "Roll it."
MCL ". . . botch."
GM: "The anvil appears over YOUR head."
MCL: "Can I spend quantum to create a little cocktail umbrella and hold it up over my head?"
GM: "I'll allow it. Take. . . six damage. The anvil smashes through your tiny umbrella and knocks you unconscious."
Cast:
Nbaka - troll naturalist (druid). Turns into a snow leopard when stressed and can only turn back by getting high on catnip.
Kazbo - gnome mage. Easily distracted. Has to roll two concentration checks (at the spell's save DC) and take the worse to cast any non-evocation spell. Uses wind-up duck grenades as his calling card.
Azok - minotaur frenzied beserker
Ethan - elf workaholic (paladin/crusader hybrid). Has a girlfriend always getting kidnapped, and is always getting chased by a mob (half of adoring fangirls, and half of his gf's adoring fanboys who want him out of the picture).
EDIT: So, I realized I kind of dragged this post on, so I'm going to sblock the original and post anew, this time keeping it sweet and simple.
When the lich contacts us, Nbaka is currently high on catnip. When he hears the disembodied voice, he tries to pounce on it.
Lich: You are all fools! And don't try to deny it. The evidence is quite clearly against you.
Kazbo: Look, I know he's not helping much, but . . .
In battle with the lich:
Kazbo: Look, you all sneak up behind the lich. I'll distract him. OOC: With that, I use my deviate self ability to assume a more appropriate guise and throw a smoke duck before the lich. IC: I am the terror, that flaps in the night. I am the internet server that always gives you a 404 error. I am Darkwing Gnome!
Ethan: You know, I've heard about these abominations called an Eye of Fear and Flame. I don't know much about the fear, but I can definitely give you the flame. Ethan then punches his rapier
into the lich's eye (magically on fire and ignoring all DR). The lich's eye is on fire for the rest of the battle.
Nbaka (in fire elemental form): "Undeath is an insult to nature. But don't worry. Mother Nature will always welcome back her prodigal sons with open arms. OOC: I hug the lich.
There's much applause at this move, and I even crit (we're allowed to crit anything). I only deal 4 damage (including the 2 fire). I then slump to the ground, apparently dead.
After the battle:
Kazbo: What do you mean he's not really dead? He's blue!
Azok: He was always blue. He's a troll.
Kazbo: Point taken.
We find the lich's phylactery and discover the ritual needed to destroy it. We call in the epic NPCs required for the ritual. We bring it the observatory, wait for dawn, focus lots of light on the phylactery, and they cut it in two with a scissoring motion. No special effects. It just breaks.
Azok: Well that was anticlimactic.
original post
We're about to face the BBEG lich. He's only just become a lich, and that always makes the weather go a little insane in this setting.
DM: Roll know (arcane) or know (nature). Kazbo makes the check to figure out what's going on.
Nbaka: I rolled a 1.
DM: Nbaka, you're convinced that the ice shards falling from the sky herald the approach of a powerful water elemental lord who could be convinced to help you. You get the impression that it would be a good idea to greet him with homemade cookies.
Nbaka: I bake cookies. (Rolls to see how good they are). I rolled a 20!
DM: Ok, so you have really amazing cookies.
While trying to hide the gf so she doesn't get abducted, the lich contacts us (magic mouth or something of the like). Nbaka only recently turned back from snow leopard and is still high.
Nbaka: I try to pounce on the voice. I know it doesn't work, since it's just a voice, but Nbaka's on catnip. He's gonna try.
Lich: You are all fools. And don't try to argue otherwise. The proof is right before you all.
Kazbo: Look, I know he's not helping much, but . . .
In battle with the lich:
Kazbo: Look, you all sneak up behind the lich. I'll distract him. OOC: With that, I use my deviate self ability to assume a more appropriate guise and throw a smoke duck before the lich. IC: I am the terror, that flaps in the night. I am the internet server that always gives you a 404 error. I am Darkwing Gnome!
DM: That's your surprise round.
Us: No distraction?! But we're on the other side!
Ethan: You know, I've heard about these abominations called an Eye of Fear and Flame. I don't know much about the fear, but I can definitely give you the flame. Ethan then punches his rapier
into the lich's eye (magically on fire and ignoring all DR). The lich's eye is on fire for the rest of the battle.
Nbaka (in fire elemental form): "Undeath is an insult to nature. But don't worry. Mother Nature will always welcome back her prodigal sons with open arms.
I hug the lich. Everyone applauds this, especially when I roll a natural 20 on my attack roll (and the game lets you crit anything). Too bad I did a total of 4 damage (including the fire). The DM makes me roll a Fort save, and even though it's 18 before modifiers, he informs me that I've been paralyzed by the lich.
After the battle:
Everyone rolls to see if they recognize me as not dead. Kazbo rolls a 1 and is convinced that I'm dead - see how blue he is? (Forgetting that as a troll, I was blue to begin with). Ethan recognizes the truth, but then leaves me to check on his gf, not bothering to help at all. Azok and Kazbo leave to find the phylactery and figure out how to destroy it (requires a special ritual unique to each lich in this setting).
Sometime later, I announce the following: I'm still in the graveyard, hoping nobody mistakes me for a corpse!
We call in the figureheads, because they own the weapons required to ritually destroy his phylactery.
Saurian: Ok, so what did you learn?
Kazbo: We learned who's behind all these undead attacks, we defeated him, we have his phylactery, and we know how to destroy it.
Nbaka: We also learned not to hug a lich.
DM: Saurian just stares at you, mouth agape. (The DM demonstrates, and it's such a photo op).
Azok: (ooc: We really need a camera for this). *Click. I take a photo.*
DM: So, Saurian and Froggish (the figureheads and fictional incarnations of himself and his gf - the same couple from the pirates campaign - Mr. Dandalo and the Swedish chef) raise their swords and strike the phylactery in a scissoring motion. They cut it in two.
Azok: Well that was anticlimactic.
DM: Roll know (arcane) or know (nature). Kazbo makes the check to figure out what's going on.
Nbaka: I rolled a 1.
DM: Nbaka, you're convinced that the ice shards falling from the sky herald the approach of a powerful water elemental lord who could be convinced to help you. You get the impression that it would be a good idea to greet him with homemade cookies.
Nbaka: I bake cookies. (Rolls to see how good they are). I rolled a 20!
DM: Ok, so you have really amazing cookies.
While trying to hide the gf so she doesn't get abducted, the lich contacts us (magic mouth or something of the like). Nbaka only recently turned back from snow leopard and is still high.
Nbaka: I try to pounce on the voice. I know it doesn't work, since it's just a voice, but Nbaka's on catnip. He's gonna try.
Lich: You are all fools. And don't try to argue otherwise. The proof is right before you all.
Kazbo: Look, I know he's not helping much, but . . .
In battle with the lich:
Kazbo: Look, you all sneak up behind the lich. I'll distract him. OOC: With that, I use my deviate self ability to assume a more appropriate guise and throw a smoke duck before the lich. IC: I am the terror, that flaps in the night. I am the internet server that always gives you a 404 error. I am Darkwing Gnome!
DM: That's your surprise round.
Us: No distraction?! But we're on the other side!
Ethan: You know, I've heard about these abominations called an Eye of Fear and Flame. I don't know much about the fear, but I can definitely give you the flame. Ethan then punches his rapier
into the lich's eye (magically on fire and ignoring all DR). The lich's eye is on fire for the rest of the battle.
Nbaka (in fire elemental form): "Undeath is an insult to nature. But don't worry. Mother Nature will always welcome back her prodigal sons with open arms.
I hug the lich. Everyone applauds this, especially when I roll a natural 20 on my attack roll (and the game lets you crit anything). Too bad I did a total of 4 damage (including the fire). The DM makes me roll a Fort save, and even though it's 18 before modifiers, he informs me that I've been paralyzed by the lich.
After the battle:
Everyone rolls to see if they recognize me as not dead. Kazbo rolls a 1 and is convinced that I'm dead - see how blue he is? (Forgetting that as a troll, I was blue to begin with). Ethan recognizes the truth, but then leaves me to check on his gf, not bothering to help at all. Azok and Kazbo leave to find the phylactery and figure out how to destroy it (requires a special ritual unique to each lich in this setting).
Sometime later, I announce the following: I'm still in the graveyard, hoping nobody mistakes me for a corpse!
We call in the figureheads, because they own the weapons required to ritually destroy his phylactery.
Saurian: Ok, so what did you learn?
Kazbo: We learned who's behind all these undead attacks, we defeated him, we have his phylactery, and we know how to destroy it.
Nbaka: We also learned not to hug a lich.
DM: Saurian just stares at you, mouth agape. (The DM demonstrates, and it's such a photo op).
Azok: (ooc: We really need a camera for this). *Click. I take a photo.*
DM: So, Saurian and Froggish (the figureheads and fictional incarnations of himself and his gf - the same couple from the pirates campaign - Mr. Dandalo and the Swedish chef) raise their swords and strike the phylactery in a scissoring motion. They cut it in two.
Azok: Well that was anticlimactic.
DM: As your running down the path you find your lifelong friend and ally Carthazax.
Deadwind: Without breaking pace I tackle him for... 4 damage.
DM: ... Carthazax, you're unconcious.
Carthazax: Whaaat?!
Later on:
DM: You see an elven figure striding down the road (New PC being introduced).
Deadwind: Hmmmm.... I lay Carthazax in the road as bait and hide.
DM: ... Whistler (new PC) you see a body in the road.
Carthazax: You are amazingly dead when I come back.
Later on still:
DM: Carthazax's writhing suddenly abates as the cruel, torturous spell ends. He is dead, and his passing was painful.
Whislter: Nooooo! Carthazax!
Grunar (Barbarian): I lower my head. He died a warriors death.
Deadwind: I cut him up for food and a tent.
Whistler: Wha... what are you doing? He was a good man, Deadwind! *Sobs*
Still later on:
DM: The judge glares over you... "Whistler, for the crimes of assosciating with a known murderer and affiliating yourself with the enemy of Order, how do you plead?"
Whistler: Well, I know, your honour, that Carthazax was no murderer! ... But... I have been in the presence of the of the enemy of which you speak. So I plead guilty to the second charge.
DM: The Judge's face softens "Then I sentence you to a years imprisonment and service to the order... and I thank you for your honesty." He then swings his gave to you, Grunar. "And you, Grunar of the Highlands? You are charged with affiliating with a known murderer, AIDING the enemy, resisting arrest and also vandalising order property. How do you plead?"
Grunar: Not guilty.
DM:... "But we all saw you resist arre..."
Grunar: Grunar not guilty!
DM: "Very well. I sentence you to five years imprisonment for your lies. And you, creature known as Deadwind Stormcrow. You are charged with one count of affiliating yourself with a murderer, one count of murder, one count of aiding the enemy, one count of treason, one count of murdering a celestial AND I have it on the highest authority that you are a beast native to the Abyss itself! How do you plead?"
Deadwind: I intimidate the judge and get a 43.
DM: ... You cannot intimidate the judge into giving you less jail time, Deadwind.
Deadwind: I know. Does he cry?
#3
Elven Ranger: Once the fight's over I run around and cut the right index finger off of the gnolls that I killed.
Half-Orc Barbarian: Ewwwwww.
:D
So the Elf was french and the gnolls longbowmen?
:D
So the Elf was french and the gnolls longbowmen?
Hee hee, something like that. ;)
The wrap-up session for Ephlings Fantastica (sometimes known as World of Williams - the DM intended the WoW acronym).
(Blah blah blah blah...)
Azok: Well that was anticlimactic.
What an appropriate sentiment for this post...
What an appropriate sentiment for this post...
That reminds of a battle with a Drow Cleric/Wizard pair in a recent adventure.
It didn't make it past the first round of initiative because both enemies got cooked by my sorcerer's fireball.
The most memorable comments were:
"Well, that was anticlimactic." Said just after the DM removed the drow minis from the table. And:
"Stop breaking the mod!"
What an appropriate sentiment for this post...
Sorry about that. I guess I did drag out the lines longer than they were funny. It was just a really entertaining session. Mostly for the highjinks with a high troll/snow leopard and escaping competent security. Which reminds me . . .
We broke into an art museum because one of the paintings is a portal to a secure location to put Ethan's gf in. We set off the alarm, and Azok falls behind in the escape.
Azok: Dragonlings! Distraction! (She sends in her dragonling swarm against the guards).
DM: You smell something burning.
Azok: I just wanted to distract them, not kill them.
DM: It's the smell of burning data. (The dragonling swarm companion is composed of animated data from the Gaming universe). A few of your dragonlings come running around the corner, yiping. They glare at you.
Azok: Holy _____! Security is actually competent.
Later:
Nbaka: Why am I wearing a leash?
"So, if I come running past shouting my battle-cry,
"Azan khazad! Khazad ai-menu!" (Yes yes, it's Tolkien's dwarvish. Suck it up.)
That means to ready your weapons, 'cause they're after me.
However, if I run past screaming like a little girl like this:
"EEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEEEeeeeeeEEEE!"
It means 'Run for your lives.'"
Wiz OOC: I try and get the barmaid to sleep with me.
Dm(me): Okay roll a CHA check
Wiz OOC: *Rolls* :D I ROLL A 1!
DM(me): Wait why are you happy? we're playing 3.5, a 1 is bad.
Wiz: I turn to the barmaid, bare my chest, and say "Hey baby, how would you like 1d4+1 rounds of pure pleasure."
Weretouched Barbarian: I would like to Intimidate the books into giving me the information.
The players are jumping around in time, causing small changes to the time line, kinda like Back to the Future.
player: What reality are we in, do I have a wife?
dm: There are lots of stars out tonight.
player: Cameron Diaz what?
player: Summon a badger in it, see what happens. Animal Testing!
player 1: Summon an Orca above it.
player 2: So, uh guys, what is under the 5 whales?
PG-13 warning:
Show
My players were talking about Scrubs, specifically the episode where Women with rings (wedding/engagement) can not be seen by single men. My group is 3 woman 3 men, 2 women are married one engaged.
Single Male Player: Yea what a sausage fest!
My players were talking about Scrubs, specifically the episode where Women with rings (wedding/engagement) can not be seen by single men. My group is 3 woman 3 men, 2 women are married one engaged.
Single Male Player: Yea what a sausage fest!
player: Summon a badger in it, see what happens. Animal Testing!
player 1: Summon an Orca above it.
player 2: So, uh guys, what is under the 5 whales?
You can’t summon an orca in mid air. It's against the rules to summon an animal in to an environment they are unsuited for.
And that brings me to my next contribution to the thread.
DM: Will you stop quoting rules at me. I am the DM I know the rules. It’s your turn. What do you cast?
ME: I don’t know. What spells do a level three rogue have?
DM: "As you slay the mad copper dragon who had been terrorizing the local villages, you enter his inner sanctum. . . a horde of treasure lays in front of you. There is more wealth here than you have ever seen in your entire life. . ."
PC1: "Booyeah!!!"
DM: ". . . but it's all in copper pieces."
PC1: "WHAT?
PC2: "Dang. . . that means ummmm. . . wow, if we wanted to take out even a single gp worth of wealth, we'd need like. . . wow. . . ummmmm. . . it's almost not even worth hiring the carts it'll take to transport this stuff."
*beat*
PC3: *grin*
DM: "Oh geez, I know that grin, that means, 'Someone's come up with an idea. . .'"
PC3: "There are tinkers in town, right?"
DM: "yeah. . ."
PC3: "How much do you think people would pay for some good-quality copper pots? 5 silver for an iron pot that weighs ten pounds, and copper can be made lighter, thinner, and conducts heat better."
DM:
PC3: "And if we can find someone who can make fishhooks, we can make an even bigger profit: assuming we can turn one copper piece into a fishhook, that's a 10 to one profit ratio."
DM:
PC1: "That's right! And that's not even mentioning things like sewing needles, signal whistles, bells, and casks."
PC3: "Boys, I propose we retire from this adventuring malarkey and go into the household goods business." :D
PCs:
DM:
You can’t summon an orca in mid air. It's against the rules to summon an animal in to an environment they are unsuited for.
I never said I allowed them to do it.
A DM tries to pull a classic Dungeons and Dragons prank.
DM: "As you slay the mad copper dragon who had been terrorizing the local villages, you enter his inner sanctum. . . a horde of treasure lays in front of you. There is more wealth here than you have ever seen in your entire life. . ."
PC1: "Booyeah!!!"
DM: ". . . but it's all in copper pieces."
Lovely, I wish I had thought of that, I did something similar but different a while back.
DM: Having just defeated the red dragon, you move past its antechamber to its inner sanctum, at irst it is black as night with only the lightest glimmers but the moment your light sources enter the room itself the whole place shines and gleams with gold in huge piles and bowls where you can only assume are a number of beds for a creature of its size. Off to one side, you paladin, notice the cold iron handle of your knight masters long lost holy avenger.
PC1: Sweet, I stride up to pull it out of the gold coins all "sword in the stone" style!
DM: make a strength check.
PC2: Why, how hard is it to pull a sword out of a bunch of coins?
DM: did I say coins?
PC1: *rolls* 15, good enough?
DM: As you put your hand to the cold iron and heave, it doesn't budge, you plant an armored foot to the gold for better grip and the boot slides smoothly off the solid gold mound.
PC3: mound?
DM: who said the red dragon would keep the soft maleable gold in coins when molten gold is so much more form fitting and quickly cooling? :D
PC1: SON OF A-!
PC3: vow of purity paladin!
PC1:... good and virtous woman who was lawfully wed to a person of equal and proper standing in society and law.
PC1: SON OF A-!
PC3: vow of purity paladin!
PC1:... good and virtous woman who was lawfully wed to a person of equal and proper standing in society and law.
XD
Son of a dragon surely? ;)
I guess that would explain the scales.
And don't call me Shirley.
DM: ...After the confusing mass that was uselessly called a line, you are ushered to a desk with an angry and tired looking female clerkstaring at you. "Just get a potion, and bring back the ears of anything you kill."
Me: "Erm... these potions don't look too..."
DM: "Don't question me!"
Me: "I wasn't..."
DM: "That's it! I can't take any more!" The clerk goes rushing off into the crowd screaming and flailing her arms about, none of the other clerks even look up.
Me: "Wow, I don't even know what the things I need to kill are."
EDIT: On a side note, the potion did heal the arch-priest guy I gave it to, which saved his life, he just turned purple.
A DM tries to pull a classic Dungeons and Dragons prank.
DM: "As you slay the mad copper dragon who had been terrorizing the local villages, you enter his inner sanctum. . . a horde of treasure lays in front of you. There is more wealth here than you have ever seen in your entire life. . ."
PC1: "Booyeah!!!"
DM: ". . . but it's all in copper pieces."
PC1: "WHAT?
PC2: "Dang. . . that means ummmm. . . wow, if we wanted to take out even a single gp worth of wealth, we'd need like. . . wow. . . ummmmm. . . it's almost not even worth hiring the carts it'll take to transport this stuff."
*beat*
PC3: *grin*
DM: "Oh geez, I know that grin, that means, 'Someone's come up with an idea. . .'"
PC3: "There are tinkers in town, right?"
DM: "yeah. . ."
PC3: "How much do you think people would pay for some good-quality copper pots? 5 silver for an iron pot that weighs ten pounds, and copper can be made lighter, thinner, and conducts heat better."
DM:
PC3: "And if we can find someone who can make fishhooks, we can make an even bigger profit: assuming we can turn one copper piece into a fishhook, that's a 10 to one profit ratio."
DM:
PC1: "That's right! And that's not even mentioning things like sewing needles, signal whistles, bells, and casks."
PC3: "Boys, I propose we retire from this adventuring malarkey and go into the household goods business." :D
PCs:
DM:
That's just genius. If nothing else, they really should've gotten RP points for that kind of creativity.
XD
I agree with that sentiment whole-heartedly.
PC1: SON OF A-!
PC3: vow of purity paladin!
PC1:... good and virtous woman who was lawfully wed to a person of equal and proper standing in society and law.
Sigging that!
NPC: 10 gold says someone offers to buy your left kidney in the next two minutes.
PC: Deal.
- later -
PC: You owe me 10 gold. They only offered to buy my right kidney.
NPC: Yes. Three times. Three rights makes a left.
Players: *groan*
Q: I have a foreign policy question based on current events. Dopplegangers have invaded the realm of High Illuskan in the Border Kigndoms, driving out several tenth level fighters who once defended the people, a collection of human, gnomes, and half-elves. The dopplegangers are either backed by Underdark dwellers with long facial tentacles called illithids, who devour human brains, or, al-Quadists. Would you risk personally leading a company of an 11th-level wizard, a ninth-level halfling fighter, and three or four orc battle-priests, thus recovering 380,000 gold pieces, or just go Defcon 4 and level the place? By the way, how many hit points DO you have anyway? Please note, High Illuskan if famed for its comely tavern wenches...
Submitted by Draldimor Thorn (LN from Thorn's Smithy in Longsword
A: Is this Dennis Kucinich again?
After the end of the storyarc where the character, Kartokk the dwarf cleric, had been through all sort of weirdness including time travelling back and forth several thousand years he finds himself in his time but everything is different. He finds out he in this time has a wife.
So he visits her, and is greeted with the usual wife greeting "Wher the hell have you been?" Awkward.
My character, being lawful good, decides to sit down and is greeted by a little girl who greets him as "daddy".
He sends her upstairs and talks with his apparant wife in this timeline and tries to explain the situation of being from a different timeline and she responds "Is that the best excuse you could come up with?" "Uh, huh?" "You were out adventuring again werent you?"
Edit: As a side not she asks "None of your friends will be showing up for dinner are they?" Kartokk thinks about his current friends he was just adventuring through time with, one of which can be seen here: http://forums.gleemax.com/showthread.php?t=1006788 And says "Gods I hope not!"
Well all this happens, then past dead characters who were alive in this timeline, happy and even having children of their own show up. Kartokk decides something and one friend asks "Kartokk you okay?"
And he says "Yeah just....happy to be home."
Sith warrior: "We are prepared to accept your surrender!"
Trandoshan: "Are you prepared to accept our explosives?"
Sith: "--what?"
Trandoshan: *fires a stun grenade*
Me: Musashi, lvl 13 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 12 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever something gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 9/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
The Courtroom drama was nothing funny. (Except when Musashi pointed a finger at the Judge and shouted OBJECTION!) Nonetheless, we were found not guilty. We once again stole an airship, and reached the tower where our adversary was holed up.
DM: There are no doors. However, there is an open window about 30 feet above you.
Rand: Anyone have a grappling hook?
Musashi: Nah, I've got something better......
Waspinator: Uh-Oh.....
Musashi promptly tied a rope to Waspinator's foot, and threw hit at the window.
DM: Roll.
Musashi: *Fails*
DM: Waspinator flies face first and splats against the side of the tower.
Waspinator: ohhhh. Why Universe hate Waspinator?
We made it to the top of the Tower, and Faced off against Bruce Payne, with our greatest Strategy ever.
Waspinator: I Do the Hare Hare Yukai Dance!
DM
Roll.Waspinator: *Succeeds* Is he distracted?
DM: *Rolls* Yeah he's staring with a What the Fu*k look on his face.
Sarevok: Flat footed! Fireball! 54 damage!
DM: Okay, he's real ****** off now. And Charges at Sarevok with his sword Drawn
Rand: *Points Behind him* LOOK GRAVITY HAS REVERSED ITSELF OVER THERE! *Bluff of 44*
DM: *Fails sense motive* He stops just inches away from Sarevok, and turns around.
Musashi and Yumei Surrounded and killed him.
Musashi: Yahho, watashi wa kattaze!
Defining a bard:
Bard: I'm an entertainer
Pc1 (me): Like a concubine?
Bard: No not that kind of entertainment
Pc2
: It's what you do with mimes: you hang them upside down in scorpion pitsWe're fighting in a house and a number of opponents are in the basement. One of the PCs is standing on top of the trapdoor to keep it down. After a while we kill our last adversary in the top of the house.
PC2: I step off the trapdoor, grab my mallet and yell: "Whack-a-mole" when the first guy opens the door.
On the topic of Lawful Good interrogation:
PC1: Are we doing Good cop - Exalted cop here?
The conversation went pretty much as follows:
Me: I want to take the Assassin prestige class for my next level.
DM: You can't do that; you have to be evil to be an assassin.
Me: My character is evil. Here's the definition of neutral evil in the rules, and here's a detailed description of what defines an evil character in the Book of Vile Darkness. My character has done way more of this stuff than necessary to demonstrate that he is evil.
DM: What, so now you're playing an evil character? I said no evil characters.
Me: No, I'm not changing how I'm playing my character: like I said, he's been evil since the beginning of the campaign.
DM: Ok, well I guess I can let that slide. (He indicates my friend, the ranger) But he's still neutral, right?
Me: Of course he's evil, he has humans as his favored enemy!
Everyone except the hapless DM immediately busted up laughing, and we still joke about that session to this day
You can’t summon an orca in mid air. It's against the rules to summon an animal in to an environment they are unsuited for.
Anymore. It wasn't specifically prohibited in 3.0; my group dubbed the tactic "Whale Strike" and we would always shout the name, anime style, when we used it :D.
The Knighted Barbarian Karn returns with a powerful magical bow to his city that is beseiged by orcs. Their shaman leads the battle. Knights of the nation have road in to help defend the city but they are outmatched.
First, Karn fires the bow and kills the Shaman. A group of orcs approch the party. Karn then fires at the knights, killing many.
The orc says, "First you killed our powerful leader, but now you turn on the knights! Do you lead us?"
Karn replied, "Do you doubt me? Take the northern sewer beyond that hill; it will lead you into my city."
Karn then let the orcs kill all the people in town, killed the orc diplomat himself, and then took back his seat on the high place.
The party played this adventure: www.geocities.com/absolutecryogenic/dnd/celebration.pdf
At the end of it, the players allied MLP was killed by a PC that betrayed the group. The players followed him into the Abyss where they found out that, as a Binder, the Queen of the Succubi, "Malcanteth" would be able to possess him and leave the Abyss. While she was away, the party infiltrated her castle and the rogues climbed to the top of her town where they could get into her bedroom.
Once inside, they found the binder, "bound" to the bed, strapped up in a leather outfit. With wide eyes he said, "I can't believe you came so far to save me."
The rogue Tony replied, "This is for killing MY LITTLE PONY!" And threw his magical bastard sword of throwing / returning into him, killing him instantly.
Quick background: The party was an Elf cleric with stick up his bum, Air genasi fighter with stick up his bum, a tall scrawny human rogue, a relativly normal human bard, a bat-shiz crazy gnome rogue with a riding dog that has a higher wisdom score than him, and me - Thurm Felheim, mild mannered barbarian. He (I) never bothered to learn the other character's names, but instead came up with nicknames on the fly.
So we're on a boat to Calimsham (FR), when we get waylayed by a pirate. A successful jump check got my character over to the pirate ship, where I went into Rage and promply...missed my attacks half the time. The human rogue got across as well, while everyone else fired from the passenger ship.
After much death, Thurm successfully pinned the enemy captain (the only baddie left) and told the HR to stick 'em - resulting in a critical fail on his part. Not only that, he was using drow poison. So the mild mannered barbarian got shivved in the rear followed by a nap until kicked overboard.
Following the escape of the pirate captain and the recovery of everyone that was overboard, Thurm sought healing for his wounded rear. The cleric, either because the PC wasn't paying attention or because prior to the pirate escapade Thurm had grappled him to the ground for being a huge jerk, ignored him. With that, I had Thurm walk around without pants until the problem was solved.
Later, we were doing a dungeon crawl where "half" the party went one way and the other half went another direction. The gnome and the genasi got into trouble (some of which resulted in a certaint riding dog knocking himself out on the ceiling of a stairwell), and hearing his shouts of pain motivated Thurm into action.
"LITTLE BUDDY!!!" Everyone else got out of the way as Thurm charged down the hall and tossed the unconscious dog out of the way. Further missing ensued (lots of poor roles that day), and we all ended up in a room with several smuchks and a sorceress who cast fear on Thurm, Genasi, and Little Buddy.
The Bard attempted to disspell the fear...and rolled a 1. Needless to say, we needed new trousers once the crawl was over.
Lots of hilarity happened throughout this campaign...some of the highlights: We ended up inadvertently kidnapping a little girl of someone we just assassinated (not in front of her, though). The gnome bought 5 cart-loads worth of apples, surprising the genasi when he got home (we were staying at his place). The skinny rogue constantly failed his intimidate checks and got ripped off at a store.
Thurm's best line: "This is the third most incompetent group of assassins I've ever worked with"
The whole thing ended with Thurm, the elf, and the HR backstabbed (so to speak) by the Genasi (revealed as the BBEG) when he trapped us in a room with a complex puzzle lock with the air being sucked out. Thurm succeeded in his Now, Thurm, being Chaotic Neutral and not really liking the other two characters (i.e. the were jerks) tried to get out of the trouble by looking after himself.
The other two PCs just stared at me in shock when I had Thrum decapitate their passed-out characters.
Thurm happened to survive, not because of his betrayal, but because Little Buddy managed to open the door and let some air in. The campaign may have continued with another session, but we had to call it off due to time. Too bad, 'cause Thurm was going to pay for a couple of reincarnations.
The Law is a Warforged Cleric "Heal-bot" that the DM allowed me to play as a secondary character 'cause a few other people had cohorts, we needed a cleric, and my main character is a somewhat anti-social (and somewhat emo) paladin who's hard to RP. He's big, slow, built like a tank and refers to everyone as either "Citizen" or "Meatbag." His personality is a cross between Judge Dread and Leroy Jenkins, and his craft focus is knitting. One of his early shenanigans was going Kool-aid man through a wooden fence keeping undead out of a nigh-empty down.
Yes, Knitting.
So, party gets to the big elven kingdom in time for the big anyone-can-enter crafting contest. After a role with the die, The Law went up against Kullen Longbeard, the party's dwarf barbarian of ultimate smashy-smash and metal working. So I went and rolled my craft check, getting a 2. Well, there goes that contest...
Until Kullen rolled a 1. Needless to say, the elves did not appreciate solid dwarven craftsmanship.
"But...it's a solid Urgosh!" "Um, yeah, that's...really..huh.."
Now, if I went on about the human bard in the party...that would be a very long post about his stunts.
Warlock OOC: I'm not really going to make love to her, just talk about my deceased ex-girlfriend. While I'm doing so, I want her :parties female rogue: to sneak in and steal money from her purse.
Me: ???? Okkkk? Roll a Diplomacy to keep her distracted.
Warlock: Rolls well.
Me: OK Rilian(female rogue) roll me a Hide and Move Silently.
Rilian: She does so and rolls great, high 20's.
Me: OK, Rilian sneaks in and steals the prostitues purse, goes out in the hallway and takes the money.
Rilian: How much do I get?
Me: A silver and six copper.
Simon and Rilian: ?????
Me: This is a poor, small town, she has very little money! (Before this Simon says he'll drop a little bit of money into her purse becuase he then feels bad for robbing her.
Me: So after Rilian sneaks back in and replaces the purse, how much do you give the prostitute?
Simon: 5 GP.
Me: So you just GAVE her more than five times what you stole from her?!?!?!
Anyways...
Star Wars SAGA edition. I'm playing a modified race out of the older Races of the Galaxy book (Draethos. +2 Int, -2 Cha, can speak telepathically, even if the others don't wanna hear it.)
So, my scoundrel has an illegal lightsaber. He uses his telepathy, in conjunction with the blade, to appear like a jedi.
However, it didn't deter a 1st level non-heroic from trying to rob me.
Non-heroic: -holds blaster to my head- Don't move, buddy. Just hand over the credits.
Me: Why?
N-H: -taken aback- B-Because I'm gonna kill you!
Me(telepathic): Do you think you can kill a JEDI?
N-H: Ummm... I'll shoot?
Me: No, you won't.
N-H: Please?
Me: No.
I didn't have any credits anyways.
This one had me(the DM) and the rest of my players rolling. My friend Christian was playing a warlock who was rather low on gold. We had stopped off in a rather poor seaport town, where our airship was docked. In order to make a quick buck, Christians warlock, Simon, decideds to con a prostitute. Simon was rather good looking and had a great diplomacy. He got her back to the airship. This was his plan.
Warlock OOC: I'm not really going to make love to her, just talk about my deceased ex-girlfriend. While I'm doing so, I want her :parties female rogue: to sneak in and steal money from her purse.
Me: ???? Okkkk? Roll a Diplomacy to keep her distracted.
Warlock: Rolls well.
Me: OK Rilian(female rogue) roll me a Hide and Move Silently.
Rilian: She does so and rolls great, high 20's.
Me: OK, Rilian sneaks in and steals the prostitues purse, goes out in the hallway and takes the money.
Rilian: How much do I get?
Me: A silver and six copper.
Simon and Rilian: ?????
Me: This is a poor, small town, she has very little money! (Before this Simon says he'll drop a little bit of money into her purse becuase he then feels bad for robbing her.
Me: So after Rilian sneaks back in and replaces the purse, how much do you give the prostitute?
Simon: 5 GP.
Me: So you just GAVE her more than five times what you stole from her?!?!?!
Is it weird I kinda think that was really good what they did for the woman? Maybe, with the money, she could get herself out of such a terrible "job" as she's in.
gahahaahahahahaa!!!! I must be crazy, cause I have read all 168 pages of this thread! I have set a record, bow before me fools, I outdone you all!!!
Lies. There are only 126 pages.
Lies. There are only 126 pages.
126? whats wrong with you, theres clearly 168 pages, and I've read them all.
Is it weird I kinda think that was really good what they did for the woman? Maybe, with the money, she could get herself out of such a terrible "job" as she's in.
I hear that some women enjoy that "terrible job" and fight the law to get it legal, not just for the sake of being safer, but so that they would not be arrested for doing what they want.
then again, this isn't a thread for people's views on prostitution, so i won't mention any more.
Paladin: I make a Perform check to look epic.
#rolls 41#
DM: A light rain falls from the sky, the wind buffets your cloak and hair as you stare back at the collapsing dock structures, survivors fleeing alongside you as the black-hulled ship bombards the creatures with fire and shrapnel, to no avail.
Paladin: Do I get groupies?
Alas, with his Leadership...the answer is probably "yes". Fortunately the Paladin is going away next session. My theory is that if you regularly cast Prayer as a way to add insult to injury, you've gone too far.
Protagonist: (sigh) This isn't going to end well, is it?
Baldurs Gate 2
starting up with a new group, my character is a half-ogre by allowance of the DM, and I have a penchant for doing slightly odd things with him during battles and roleplay, a few of which are noteworthy enough to post up here on the boards. His name is Gurshghan.
during our first fight, Gurshghan wasn't able to get inside a small hut because of the door, and so waited outside for the rest of the group to finish off the orcs inside (they had been contained there by the city watch but were overpowering the guard in the small area), grumbling to himself about how they're mean. however, my character got his moment to shine when reinforcements showed up. I'm trying something new, a barbarian, so instead of grabbing my greataxe my first instinct was to kick. and thus the orc's head flew completely clean of his shoulders when I managed to roll three 20s in a row. then, seeing the stunned look on my DM's face, I promptly said:
Me:"I'm going in to show the guys."
DM:"How do you plan to do that? You don't even fit in the door."
Me:"Did I say through the door?"
I burst in through the wall, and both for some extra roleplaying for my character and to get a few giggles out of my teammates, as I come into the room I scream "OH YEAH!" holding the headless orc out in front of me. at which point I promptly throw it at the orcish leader, knocking him and the fighter down.
I still can't believe I said it, but as my barbarian brought his axe down on the pinned leader he screamed, "AXE MAN COMETH". I feel embarased every time they bring it up.
Aramil:I say in elven "Colvast, tackle him and take his keys!" To DMWait, does he speak elven?
DM: I dunno, why don't you ask him?
Aramil:Uhh... What languages do you speak?
NPC:...Common?
Later on, we attended a grand ball celebrating our party's heroisms. Odgen was heavily enjoying the large quantities of food and the fact that no one hassled him for not using a plate. A drunken NPC began talking to him.
Drunkard:Hey, you're that hero Ogden, right?
Odgen:Yep.
Drunkard:Wow, if there's anything I can do for you, just ask, okay?
Odgen: Well, I'd like a chicken wing.
Drunkard:Alright, I'll get ya one. Proceeds to brag to everyone else that a hero asked him to do something.
Then an old prophet-type person enters the hall, gives big, epic speech, turns into a snake, and is promptly killed by the guards. A deathly silence ensues, until...
Odgen:WHERE'S MY CHICKEN WING!???!!
Rest of us:
Later on we proceeded to navigate our way through an old pirate cave via boat. Tam was not enjoying herself much, as she HATES water. We kept sailing, and we eventually hit some rapids, and Odgen fell out of the boat. The poor dwarf then noticed that a dragon turtle was in the water with him. All of us on the boat got spot checks to notice it, but only Tam made it.
Tam:Alita!
Alita:Yeah?
Tam:There's something big and ugly in the water!
Alita:...Odgen?
Oh, what a great party that was. Too bad we got TPK'ed.
Him: I'm sure you can guess who I voted for in the primary.
Me: ...Ron Paul?
Our party consisted of Tam (a halfling rogue), Odgen (a dwarf fighter/barbarian), Alita (human sorcerer/fighter), Aramil (a elven cleric), and Colvast (elven sorcerer, yes I named my profile after him). Anyway, we were following this shifty NPC who was about to walk into a locked abandoned building.
Aramil:I say in elven "Colvast, tackle him and take his keys!" To DMWait, does he speak elven?
DM: I dunno, why don't you ask him?
Aramil:Uhh... What languages do you speak?
NPC:...Common?
Later on, we attended a grand ball celebrating our party's heroisms. Odgen was heavily enjoying the large quantities of food and the fact that no one hassled him for not using a plate. A drunken NPC began talking to him.
Drunkard:Hey, you're that hero Ogden, right?
Odgen:Yep.
Drunkard:Wow, if there's anything I can do for you, just ask, okay?
Odgen: Well, I'd like a chicken wing.
Drunkard:Alright, I'll get ya one. Proceeds to brag to everyone else that a hero asked him to do something.
Then an old prophet-type person enters the hall, gives big, epic speech, turns into a snake, and is promptly killed by the guards. A deathly silence ensues, until...
Odgen:WHERE'S MY CHICKEN WING!???!!
Rest of us:
Later on we proceeded to navigate our way through an old pirate cave via boat. Tam was not enjoying herself much, as she HATES water. We kept sailing, and we eventually hit some rapids, and Odgen fell out of the boat. The poor dwarf then noticed that a dragon turtle was in the water with him. All of us on the boat got spot checks to notice it, but only Tam made it.
Tam:Alita!
Alita:Yeah?
Tam:There's something big and ugly in the water!
Alita:...Odgen?
Oh, what a great party that was. Too bad we got TPK'ed.
From the Top 100 Things I Will Do When I Am An Evil Overlord:
I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
One of my friends is really into anime, so when one of the D&D group had to be absent for three weeks in a row (for different reasons each week...) I decided to run a BESM mini-campaign.
For those unfamiliar: BESM is short for Big Eyes, Small Mouth, which is an anime style RPG. It runs on a massive pointbuy system not unlike Mutants and Masterminds by which you define what amazing powers your character has -- insane firearm accuracy, transforming into a kittycat, shooting energy beams from your fingertips, calling up demons, owning a giant robot, etc.
I was explaining the system to the anime-loving friend and going through a few of the powers to see what might be appropriate to her character concept when this one went by. "Elasticity, that's the ability to stretch your body, but you want a pirate queen so that doesn't really fit..." She breaks in with heavy sarcasm, "Yeah, a stretchy pirate would just be silly!"
Bennett: The Human Skirmisher: He's the scout with a vicious attack. He's the party eyes & ears, and the specialist kill-maker. Bow or sword, he knows the right place to stick it for maximum effect, and can leap into the right position to do exactly that!
Mathias: The Human Archivist: A cowardly scholar who gets excited by 'weird sh*t'. But he knows his Dark Knowledge (to the party's benefit) and he makes mean use of a Flaming Sphere!
Croft: The Shifter Barbarian Ranger: With his monstrous sword and his awesome rage, he is the powerhouse of the group, cutting swathes through the group's enemies. Aberrations; his favoured foes.
Dallandra: The Half-Elven Minstrel: The attractive, eager-to-please musician, with a curious proficiency to intimidate goblins. She's the group support member; firing off the occasional magic, and the periodic 'Taser' stabbing to help her comrades when needed.
Our band of heroes camp up on a balcony overlooking a huge room containing the steps down to the next level. It's a long balcony, but quite low, and they know the foes they face likely have darkvision or blindsight. So naturally they don't light a fire, and rely on listening while on watch.
In the night, while Croft is on guard, he fluffs six listen checks in a row as four dolgaunt's creep up on the party ... and attack! Now the balcony is only fiove feet wide, Croft is at one end of the line the party sleep in, Bennet at the other. Both get grappled and attacked in the same round. Mayhem ensues, and everyone wakes up. Dallandra and Mathias let off spells - colour spray (ineffective - no eyes) and light. As the fight enters its second round, Mathias jumps to his feet, his sleeping bag pooling around his ankles, right next to Dallandra (only female PC):
Mathias (trying to sound butch and brave): OK, now for some serious f*cking!
Croft (currently chopping a dolgaunt in two):
WTF?Bennet (currently stabbing a dolgaunt somewhere painful):
WTF?The Dolgaunts:
WTF?Dallandra (looks at Mathias with a worried expression): Erm, can I make a five foot step as an immediate action?
Me:
I thought she was "eager to please" ;)
Not that eager, apparently.
The group had gone into a town where villagers were being killed by werewolves and when we found out the local priest was responsible for bringing them to down we beat him up a bit and tied him up. We got ahold of his secret dark book and I (being the only arcane user) started to read it to see what it held.
Unfortunately the book was trapped and caused me to go into an insane rage and cast off a bolt spell setting the side wall of the building we were in on fire. The priest tried to make his escape (since he knew what was going to happen) but was shot and killed by one of the PCs. Another PC started trying to put out the fire while the last PC grabbed me to keep me from casting any other spells. On the next round I made my save and came out of the insanity but didn't have any memory of that short time.
Me (looking around confused): "Why is the priest dead? Why is the wall on fire?! Why are you hugging me!?!"
We put out the fire and then the obvious:
Me: Okay, now I have to finish reading this book.
Everyone else: Nooooooo!!
Anyway, the Cleric was charged with ruling over one faction of gnomes in a war torn region but also to bring about peaceful negotiations between a group of evil barbarians, a group of dwarves, a group of elves, and a group of evil orcs.
My ranger, being ever resourceful and wanting to bring the war to an end also, stole a magical flying broom from the Cleric's so he could kidnap another gnome who he deemed a traitor and in a failed attempt to get the gnome to admit to treason ended up killing that gnome's entire family (women and children included), poisoned the water supply of the barbarians, assassinated an orc leader with poison, then made a direct assault on a keep of the BBEG mastermind of the war using a Ring of Shooting Stars and the throwing into the keep the body of the traitorous (presumably) gnome...which only resulted in making the BBEG move his base.
After returning from my excursion of murdering and poisoning, the Cleric confronted me:
"I have reports that the orc leader who I was to negotiate with has been assassinated, the barbarians to the North have been poisoned, and a local gnome, whom we've already discussed as to whether or not he is a traitor, is missing and has had his family murdered by being barred into their burning house. I am going to have to arrest you and put you on trial for war crimes."
My Ranger, holding the Cleric's magical flying broom in hand, replies:
"Up." And the broom zips him away!
The campaign ended with that!
Merchant: hello sir! Have a look at this rope only 60 copper pieces
Paladin: no thankyou we just want...
Merchant: WELL THEN how about this gold lamp very reson...
Paladin: no i only want to know where the...
Merchant: IN THAT CASE, how about this rusty shortsword only a bargain at...
Paladin: ok look we just want to...
Merchant: how about you buy my special...
Paladin: I will give you 5 gold pieces to shut up!
The party eventually walks downriver, and comes across a little imp with a giant cart full of stuff.
Imp: "CUSTOMERS, CUSTOMERS! Come come, I sell you things! I give friend-price!"
Player 1: "Hmmm. . . he's got a lot of useful stuff. . . but we don't have enough gold to buy it all. Maybe we should prioritize."
Player 2: "Wait. . . you say there are ruins nearby, right?"
DM: "Yeah, the ruined city of Pandemonium."
Player 2: "I'm looking for a steel bar or a piece of wood, about five feet long, and very sturdy."
DM: "Okay. . . not sure where you're going with this, but. . ."
Player 2: "And. . . a rock, or a helmet or something like that."
DM: "Okay, you find a Large sized helmet. . . looks like it was made for a demon or a troll. And you find a steel bar about five feet long, and about as big around as your wrist."
Player 2: "Okay, I bring the steel bar back to the cart, and I tell the imp, 'Friend Imp, would you like a device that can multiply your strength tenfold? I think that would be a fine trade for some things from your cart.'"
DM: *seeing what's coming* "Oh my god. . ."
Player 2: "Okay, I walk up to the cart, and I try to lift it."
DM: "Roll your strength."
Player 2: "I don't bother, I fail. I gasp and groan, then finally drop the cart. 'Damn, that cart is heavy! Wow, there is no way a little human like me could ever lift it alone. . . unless. . . I had a LEVER!'"
DM: "Oh my god. . ."
Player 2: "I take the steel bar, place the helmet as a fulcrum, and place the other end under the cart wheel, then I push down. . ."
DM: *laughing like a fool* "Okay, dude, roll your Strength at +5."
Player 2: "27."
DM: "You succeed in lifting the cart about six inches off the ground."
Player 2: "I say, 'Look, friend IMP! This amazing LEVER multiplies my strength tenfold! LOOK HOW IT LEVES!"
Player 1: "Kale says, "Oh no! You can't give him the LEVER! How will we ever LEVE without it!?'"
Player 2: "Silence, you fool! I am trying to make a deal here!"
Player 1: "But. . . it's the LEVER! The LEVER! You can't give the LEVER to him! What shall we ever do without the LEVER!?"
DM: "Oh my god, you guys. . . Player 2, roll a Bluff check. . . at +2 for Player 1's help, and +8 for sheer AWESOME."
Player 2: "30."
DM: ". . . I just rolled 1 on Sense Motive."
*laughter*
DM: "The imp screams, "YES, yes, yes! I will have LEVER! I wants it, I wants it!' He'll now give you everything in his cart for 1/4 price. . . dude, that was awesome. 1000 xp roleplaying bonus."
*Everyone applauds*
Fighter: Could you identify this tattoo for me?
DM: Well son... That's a tattoo. Looks like anyway.
Fighter: Well. I knew that. WHAT DOES IT DO?!?
DM: Hmm... Hmm... Well, I don't know if I can figure that out...
Fighter: *sigh* I have to pay don't I.
DM: Well, about 100 gold would be appreciated...
Fighter (ooc): I give him a bag of rocks.
DM: ...Young boy. I am ONE HUNDRED AND FIVE YEARS OLD! Just because I'm blind dosn't mean I'm an idiot.
Fighter: Ok. Here, I'll give you 50 extra to show no hard feelings.
DM:
Ok then... Thats just a tattoo. Nothing special about it.Fighter:
:headexplo I punch him.DM: Ok, the 45th level psion blows you up with a thought.:evillaugh
Fighter: :surrender
Cleric: "Give me answers."
Statue: "There are none."
Cleric: "Then you shall bleed."
Statue:"I'm a statue."
Cleric: "I'll fix that."
He got it to answer three more questions.
Our cleric found a talking statue in the dungeon.
Cleric: "Give me answers."
Statue: "There are none."
Cleric: "Then you shall bleed."
Statue:"I'm a statue."
Cleric: "I'll fix that."
He got it to answer three more questions.
Or you read: http://www.geocities.com/whoisceres2/dndquotes.html
Set up: My friend is playing a Divine Mind who loves joining battle that a re totally not in his favor, mainly because at 7th level he has 100 hp(from feats mostly). He describes his joining battle as blood lust for him. Being pounded on by three Steel Devils he uttered these words, which got me laughing.
Dryce: Blood drunkeness wears off when its your own blood your drinking.
He was at 30 of 100 hp. Maybe not all that funny, but it got me laughing just at the way he said it.
Fighter: "Barkeep, give me the strongest thing you've got."
Me, rogue: "Looks like he's gonna send over Titania the Tavern Wench."
*round of laughter*
.........
DM: "The largest woman you've ever seen comes out of the kitchen"
Me:"Seriously, my ability to foresee the future is LEGEND."
We enter combat with a duelist, a blackguard, and a sorceress wearing the Regalia of Evil. The DM describes her as "has skeletal wings and her head is on fire". This exchange takes place on the Paladin's turn:
Paladin: I'm gonna smite, if she's evil. Is she evil?
Cleric: She has skeletal wings and her head is on fire. A mushroom could tell she's evil.
Anyways some fights were breaking out...and a guard was trying to get folks to leave.
Guard to my friend since he wasnt cooperating....."I'll break your neck"
My friend without missing a beat "I'll own your car"
There have been plenty of laughs since then...in RL and playing MMOs...but I dont think anything will ever compare to that night.
(Group makes STR checks to remove lid)
DM: The sarcophagus is empty.
Player: Is there anything inside the empty sarcophagus?
J-raptoran afflicted were-rat ftg2/rog1
G- kobold dragon shaman 5
M- Goliath monk 4
this is the second game since m got back to town and j missed the first one during which the others were sent off to do the last adventure(there are two others that arent mentioned in these quotes) and while they were gone the base city got invaded and over run with enemies of whom the name is yet a mystery. j used the week i rolled for them to get back to gather up a bunch of rats with his rat empathy ability which i let him do since i thought it was funny. so the rest of the party gets into town via boat and is immidiatly attacked by enimes(m said the stupid) and j is on the shore and sees this happening so him and all of his rats rush in.
G: Does he have like an army of rats at his disposal?
J: I’m the pied piper b****!!
During the fight G throws up his energy shield fire
DM: M your turn, there is fire billowing around you
M: I’m on fire!?!?!
DM: No, well yes, but not the damaging kind
same fight M has ended up in the water below the deck and tries to reach up and yank one of the enimies (heavy armor and stuff on them) in....again...this is like the fourth time he's tried....
M: I’m going to trip him, he is going to roll in the water
DM: touch…hit, roll strength check
M: I’m going to expend all the charges on my brute gauntlet and get a +4 to the strength *Rolls nat 1*
Rogue - "I have an idea! Everybody take off your pants."
Orlee (our Monk who had named his fists “The Mefistocuffs”): “I attack the stove and kick it at the golem!”
DM (me): “The small fire elemental inside the stove does not take kindly to being shoved so violently and burns the nearest object, the Calzone Golem, (rolls) who catches fire….”
Orlee: “Yeah!”
DM: “…which bakes and hardens its already crusted body, increasing its natural armor.”
Orlee: “Ahhh…crap.”
DM: (rolls a will save for the Golem, fails) “Enraged by the attack, the Golem has gone completely berserk! As extremely hot juices run out the corner of the Golem’s mouth, it roars and lifts the stove high over its flaming head, aiming at the nearest target!” :D
Aramil (our Rogue, aka nearest target): “Damn it Orlee! No more kicking stoves at the golem powered by BAKING!”
Line(better without an explanation) "DAMMIT BOB, the elf is not BRITISH!"
Zuru, level 1 Elven ranger. He's a bit of a ditz as far as the group is concerned, but only because of his horrid rolls. He's the only character I have ever seen that can both hunt and cook.
Loranin D'leoni, level 1 half-elf Dragon shaman (silver). Loranin hasn't done much as far as the game is concerned. he follows orders, but is otherwise the silent brutal type.
Kist, Level 1 changeling duskblade. from interaction alone quite obviously the party leader, he is currently posing as a blonde haired blue eyed human mercenary and the group doesn't eve know his true nature. he uses a massive scythe (thank you monkey grip), and has a weird unwillingness to kill others. He knows a total of nine languages, including Gutterspeak and Infernal.
Before the game even starts, we're rolling stats for the characters and everybody is rolling high
DM (me): so let me get this straight, the ranger doesn't have a score below 11, and nobody else has a score below 12?
Kist: seems like it
DM: what the
is wrong with my dice?After the game actually starts, they're fighting a warforged on a sharn skybridge, and nobody has hit once, and Zuru decides to fire into combat
Zuru: I shoot an arrow at the warforged
DM: Roll it
Zuru: *rolls* uh,that's not good is it?
DM: your arrow strikes the dragon shaman in the shoulder. Loranin, what do you do this turn.
Loranin: I give Zuru a death glare and swing my mace *rolls* uh...
DM: the warforged dodges under your strike matrix style and strikes at Kist *rolls*... take 7 damage. it's battleaxe has left a massive wound across your chest.
Kist: what? I use my Scythe and cut for the neck *rolls* uh, 20
DM:
roll to confirm, then roll damage.Kist: *rolls* *rolls* x4 from using a scythe, that comes to... 32...
DM: ... the warforged's head comes flying off as you cut cleanly through the metal and wood that it's neck consists of.
Kist: Awesome!
DM: bah, that metal contraption was supposed to RAGE. it only had 12 hp! if you didn't have that scythe, you wouldn't have beat it so quickly.
Kist: well, i guess we know who chose the right weapon!
DM: shut up and sit down.
afterwards they're contacted by a house cannith official, who sends them to look for a way into a pre-galifar cannith smithy, and they have to take a trip through a seedy market to do so. as they're looking for a contact, they start looking for good items. Beware, this part's long
DM: everybody, you can roll search checks if you want to find some nice equipment
Kist: *rolls* 1
DM: oh, um... ah, you find a red smoky bottle that the vendor says will take away your ailments. looking into the bottle, you briefly see a pair of eyes.
Kist: I roll sense motive *rolls* 20
DM: IT'S EVIL. EEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIL. RUN AWAY WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
DM: Loranin, make a will save.
Loranin: wha? okay... *rolls* 4
DM: the merchant is talking to you. you feel like you want to purchase the bottle. make another will save
Loranin:
uh, okay *rolls* 3Kist: I ready my scythe to subdue him
DM: Loranin, you are considering the benefits of buying this bottle. it looks really good and the healing properties must be wondrous! roll another will save.
Loranin: *rolls* 5
Kist: I smack him with the butt of my scythe.
DM: I said you were running, your too far away for that. Loranin, you pay the 15 gold for the bottle and now feel incredibly attatched to it.
Kist: GAH!
later...
Kist: enough screwing around. I'm gonna find that contact.
DM: roll gather information.
Kist: *rolls* uh oh, 1
DM: a half-orc leads you into an alleyway, and your way is closed off by a human with a pair of daggers.
Kist: ah, crap
Later again...
DM: now that you've actually found the little goblin contact, everybody make a spot check.
Kist: *rolls* a total of 22
Loranin: *rolls* I got 12
Zuru: *rolls* uh, natural 1
DM: Kist, you see a strange black cloacked figure in the crowd, but as you try to tell your freinds, he disappears. Loranin, you don't notice anything out of the ordinary. Zuru, with you impressive elvish senses, you see, is that? it is. It's a bird with white feathers. and is it? it is. it's Sh**ing in your eye.
Finally making it down into the sewers, the group is confronted by another warforged. a rogue this time, but...
DM: everybody roll spot checks
*everybody fails*
DM: okay, you don't see anything
Kist: then I'm gonna strike a sunrod to turn it on.
DM: ... roll an attack roll
Kist: to hit a wall? uh, okay *Rolls a total of 23*
DM: you hear the sound of metal striking metal as you bring your sunrod into the face of another warforged. He's screaming "I'm blind you
! Auuuuuugh!"Everyone:
After rendering the warforged unconscious, the party descended further into the sewer in search of the underground forge, and found a pair of shifters waiting for them at the side of the sewage way
DM: suddenly there are a pair of very angry looking shifters standing in your way, and each have large claws that seem to be readied for tearing you apart.
*initiative is rolled*
Zuru: I fire at the closest one!
Loranin: your not going to hit me again are you?
DM: he's not in combat yet. Your fine to fire Zuru
Zuru: sweet *strikes one in the shoulder*
DM: now even angrier, the two of them charge *rolls* oh gods... *sigh* one slips and falls in the sewage, the other misses completely, nearly slipping himself
Kist: I slash at the one closest to me and yell "get him out of the sewer, ! have him!" and attack *rolls a miss*
Loranin: I go after the one in the sewage
DM: roll search
*rolls low*
DM: you find nothing, but your hands are now covered in literal Sh**
next round
Loranin: I'm still searching!
*rolls a 1*
DM: hehe. you fall in. congratulations, you are now waist deep in crap, and not the usual direction for waist deep.
Zuru: what? I try to pull him out!
DM: roll a strength check
*rolls a 1*
DM: congrats. you fell in youself and pushed Loranin even further down. Loranin, you feel something that may be the choked remains of a shifter...
Kist: Ugh, I'm gonna pull them out!
*Rolls a natural 20*
DM: you grab Zuru by the leg and pull him, still clutching Loranin out of the Sh** in a geyser of and nimbly dodge every drop. well done.
I can't wait to show them what's in that bottle :evillaugh
Backround: In an International DnD game day game, playing in Eberron, our party is assaulting a pit of Kyber where Tiamat is shaking loose of her bonds. The party has been locked in a 60by60ft room with an Ironwyrm golem and two adamantium doors barring our way out. The golem is almost impervious and the doors are resistant to destruction of pretty much all kinds.
The cast:
Lech- lvl 20 Shifter Scout (me)
Himo- Aerenal Elf Sorcerer 15/Lightning Lord 5(homebrew Prc)
Geddy Lee- Human Warlock 15/Hellfire Warlock 3/Favored in House 5
Lys- Changling Rogue 6/ Cabinet Trickster 5/ Swashbuckler 1/ Uncanny Trickster 3/ Mindspy 5
Aseti- Valenar Elf Wizard 20/ Archmage 2
Charmaigne- Halfling Spirit Shaman 20
Cade- Some crazy Ranger build the DM was playing with a homebrew PrC
So we are trapped in this room trying to figure the way out. The golem is stomping most of the party and hammering them with the breath weapon. So after about 3 rounds of this and the ARCHMAGE not being able to eat through the door with a disintegrate he casts a forcecage around the golem. We kill like 15 min game time/30 min real life, trying different ways to get out of this place, and I exhaust all my ideas on how to get out of this place, and no one else can figure anything out.
We are getting p*ssed, when Himo, the already horrible player, raises his hand and says “ I have passwall.”With two castings we bypass this room and are out in the hallway. My character, who already hates arcane spellcasters (soldier of Eldeen Reaches, fought Aundair for the whole Last War) walks up to him, “ I hate you.” And walks away. This was actually calm for him, as he had been hit with mild depravity a little earlier and was suffering from bouts of anger. The delivery was perfect.
Discussing the Gnomish Power of Purity group, the gnomes who are nice to elementals and convince them to voluntarily be bound into airships etc.
Lech: " So they are pretty much PETA for Elementals?"
Geddy Lee: " So that would be PETE?" (Read: People for the Ethical Treatment of Elementals)
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DM: " So you all get to bed early, so, you know, you can wake up and die."
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Aseti is a lesbian and proud of it. She has never let a man touch her, in that way, and live to tell about it. Even though she is an archmage, her and I, the arcane hater from the Eldeen Reaches, are fast friends ( In and out of game) We both roll for the same initiative.
Aseti's player OOC: "I flash you, you're distracted, I go first.":D
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So we are fightning a raja and I can't hurt it cuz I'm using a bow, and can't overcome its DR becuz my weapon isn't good aligned. My character is already fuming becuase of the depravity making him prone to bouts of anger. When he sees he is doing no damage::headexplo
Lech(me) IC: " Somebody bless my G*d d*mned bow!"
Geddy's char OOC: " Did you just hear what you just said? How does that work?
It's a G*d d*mned bow."Lech(me) OOC: I know. That's why it needs blessed!:D
Those are all the funnies from game today. Probably woulda been more but Asetis player had to leave halfway through game. He usually has the best lines.
Line(better without an explanation) "DAMMIT BOB, the elf is not BRITISH!"
I so want to hear that explanation now ...
"We have determined that there are definitely no death cults in this town."
"We have found a death cult, let's go kill it."
"Oh thank God."
and
"Anyone want to share a room so we can take watch shifts?"
"Aye lad, me and my beard will protect you. Hon"
"Anyone else? Please?"
The first round of our first combat in our 4th edition campaign, played last night:
Me (DM): Okay, The Stormclaw scorpion is going first, he moves towards Faelun and attacks *Roll a 20* critical threat *Rolls another 20* Uhh… Threatening auto kill, *Rolls another 20* Sorry Faelun, you’re dead.
Faelun: … *Gets up* Well, see you guys in 5th edition.
And back to third edition.
This excerpt is from a battle with a Dragon Eel in its underwater Lair, the entrance of which is protected by a maze of entangling kelp.
Me: At the entrance of the lair there is a maze of entangling kelp.
Players: We’ve got enough Freedom of Movement spells memorized to go around, we’ll do that and just walk right through.
Me: Sure thing, upon getting to the entrance, you notice multiple tunnels going off in different directions
Druid: I summon a pod of porpoises, and Shapeshift into one myself; we’ll split up and check the different tunnels.
Me: okay, hold on, I have to check something.
Druid: What?
Me: A porpoise’s speed.
Druid: Oh, I already know that…
Me: No, I mean its base land speed, Remember, freedom of movement…
This one was when the Fighter/Mage/Duelist challenged another champion Duelist, with a wager of his Magic Cloak against the Duelist’s Vorpal Rapier. They had agreed upon terms of no magic weapons, a single Buff allowed, and a single magic item. The battle would take place completely submerged in a pool of water. Failure to comply with any of these rules would result in disqualification and summary loss of the bet.
Me: Okay in his turn he jumps into the pool and takes a defensive stance.
Phyxius: I cast lightning bolt at the water and then jump in myself.
Me: Okay, In that order?
Phyxius: yes
Me: Okay, you’re disqualified.
Phyxius: WHAT?!? NO FAIR!
Me: It’s perfectly fair, after all, you WERE the one that insisted that the battle take place entirely submerged in a pool of water, and you began the battle whilst not completely submerged in a pool of water, therefore you’re disqualified, your cloak please.
Another one from the druid
Me: Okay, so there’s about 30 guards with their crossbows aimed at your group, ready to attack. Luckily Nacklewinkle (Gnome Mage) managed to cast wind wall in time, so they don’t have a shot on you, however, the wall won’t last forever, and they look prepared to wait it out.
Kamahl (Druid): Crossbows take a round to reload right?
Me: yes
Kamahl: Okay, I send my wolf (companion) out of the windwall with a message to our allies over the hill, do they shoot?
Me: Yes, they unleash a full volley at the wolf *rolls* blanketing it in arrows and killing it outright.
Kamahl: Oh well, I’ll just get another one.
Nacklewinkle: Yeah… In a year…
Kamahl: WHAT?
Another animal death related story, this time with Nacklewinkle’s Toad.
Me: A chasm begins to open between the two halves of the party. *Rolls* Nacklewinkle and Sven (Human Paladin) are on one side, Barrend (Dwarf Fighter), Kamahl, Krull(Half orc Barbarian) and Phyxius are on the other.
Nacklewinkle: What!? But Barrend was Holding my toad, if we get caught in a fight while the party’s split, I’ll need it to get good angles on my spells! Quick, Barrend, Throw the toad now before the chasm gets too wide! How wide is it now?
Me: About 5 Feet.
Barrend: Okay, I throw the toad *Rolls a 1*
Me: Barrend Fumbles the toad and drops it down the chasm…
Barrend: …Do you want your Spellbook too?
the fighter gets hit with a massive crit, and says 'tis but a scratch.
but I tend to run lighthearted games with more than a little silliness.
We were just about to dive into a battle with 50 or so goblins, and we had a few NPCs on our side. And the DM said if we wanted to we could shout battle crys to encourage our Npcs.
Wizard Player in a calm normal voice: Allera shouts "For Freeeeedom" In a scottish accent, *everyone chuckles*
Rogue Player in a normal voice: Gorran shouts "For money" in a cokney accent of course, *amused smiles all round*
Warrior player jumps up and screams at the top of his lungs: "For VODKA, AND WENCHES" CHARGE ATTACK *Dice clatter onto the table*
DM: Critical fumble,
Wizard Player: Too much Vodka, *nods knowing*
Rogue Player: No, he can't run straight, definatly too much wenching *Shakes head*
Warrior player: Too much of both, but I ain't complaining.
The halfling thief in our group first failed to disarm a trp to the effect of setting it off and damaging the whole party in an ensuing sxplosion.
Then he fails his roll to open a lock on a door, the frustrated dwarf uses one of his knock spells he got as a gift. (First edition, there are no rerolls for open lock checks in first edition)
Then the halfling manages to FIND a trap but his roll to disarm it fails and it sets off poisoning him, forcing our "Cleric" (long story) to heal his poison.
LE Dwarf fighter to the halfing:
Dwarf: You're not much good to us alive, are you?
Halfling: *mad glare*
DM: ". . . A moment later, the Antimagic Field drops. Jaycin of Amber, you feel your magic powers cut off."
Jaycin: "Crap. . ."
DM: "There are half a dozen griffons flying overhead, with heavily armed soldiers on board. You also see three assault boats filled with men approaching your vessel, and two ships of the line well within gun range. They send you a flag signal: 'Prepare to be boarded, do not attempt to resist.'"
Captain Sifa: "Give me an honest analysis, DM. . . does Sifa see any way to win this fight?"
DM: "Int Check. . . yeah, that'll do it. Sifa's pretty sure that this is a no win situation."
Sifa: "I strike the colors and order the men to put down their arms."
DM: "Your helmsman, Ensign Medi, starts to cry. . . she looks really upset. A few minutes later, the men start to board the ship. Three of them surround and point their muskets at Jaycin. 'Thought you could escape, huh?'"
Jaycin: "I'm not gonna resist."
DM: "Okay. . . Medi will, though. She gets up and tries to push the soldiers away, but one of them takes his musket and bashes her in the stomach with the buttstock, winding her. 'None of that, you little tart,'" he sneers."
Jaycin: ". . ."
DM: "Shortly afterwards, the Dark Magician appears. 'Put away those guns, you idiots, I need this fool alive,'" he snarls, pointing at Jaycin."
Jaycin: "He said he needs me alive?"
DM: "Yeah."
Jaycin: "Okay. I find the soldier who hit Medi, walk right up to him, and punch him in the face."
DM: ". . . *laughs out loud* all right, that's awesome, dude, I'm gonna say he's flat-footed. . . roll it."
Jaycin: ". . . critical hit for max damage."
DM: "wow. . . *laughs* you coldcock that sonovabizatch and knock him flat on the ground. The Dark Magician appears stunned for a moment, then he slowly claps. 'You get that one for free,' he says."
Me: At the entrance of the lair there is a maze of entangling kelp.
Players: We’ve got enough Freedom of Movement spells memorized to go around, we’ll do that and just walk right through.
Me: Sure thing, upon getting to the entrance, you notice multiple tunnels going off in different directions
Druid: I summon a pod of porpoises, and Shapeshift into one myself; we’ll split up and check the different tunnels.
Me: okay, hold on, I have to check something.
Druid: What?
Me: A porpoise’s speed.
Druid: Oh, I already know that…
Me: No, I mean its base land speed, Remember, freedom of movement…
I don't think I get this one. Why do you need to know the porpoise's base land speed?
I was a lvl 1 Duskblade. Our Dm had just started us out right outside a castle. We get in a castle and imediately there are two different ways to go, down into a lightless pit or to the side into a room. I chose the pit and everyone else went into the other room.
(Being a good DM he had everyone else leave for a little so we could settle what would happen in the pit.)
When i reached the bottom i faintly see something that looks like a snake, except much too large. It was a dire snake of some sort that was intented to be killed by everyone in our party. A few minutes later the other players who were in the other room heard, "Damnit
I don't think I get this one. Why do you need to know the porpoise's base land speed?
He's misruling Freedom of Movement to mean you can't choose to swim.
Before going on with the first story, let me state that one of the house rules we use in our campaign is 3 20’s in a row on an attack is an automatic kill.
The first round of our first combat in our 4th edition campaign, played last night:
Me (DM): Okay, The Stormclaw scorpion is going first, he moves towards Faelun and attacks *Roll a 20* critical threat *Rolls another 20* Uhh… Threatening auto kill, *Rolls another 20* Sorry Faelun, you’re dead.
Faelun: … *Gets up* Well, see you guys in 5th edition.
Hmm...? Do you guys only play one character per edition, or did he get mad at the new edition because of a house rule? Either one seems strange to me...
My decently intelligent but very unwise and uncharismatic fighter got a decent one-liner (okay, it was a groaner): "I swear to drunk I'm not gods!"
Hmm...? Do you guys only play one character per edition, or did he get mad at the new edition because of a house rule? Either one seems strange to me...
Ahh, sorry I didn't Clarify this, but he didn't actually leave, he was just joking. The humor at the time was we'd just sat down to the table, started out on a new adventure in a new edition and the first roll of the dice of the night finds him dead and making a new character. I guess you had to be there.
Sorry Faelun, you’re dead.
Faelun: … *Gets up* Well, see you guys in 5th edition.
See, that's why autokill rules suck. The scorpion rolled a critical hit, nothing more. Anyway, you don't have to confirm crits in 4e; you just roll the 20, deal maximum damage plus any crit modifiers, and move on.
Me: Yes, they unleash a full volley at the wolf *rolls* blanketing it in arrows and killing it outright.
Kamahl: Oh well, I’ll just get another one.
Nacklewinkle: Yeah… In a year…
Kamahl: WHAT?
No, in a couple days. Druids can get new companions in 24 hours. It's only familiars that have the year-and-a-day limit.
most of the best lines in my games tend to revolve around quotes from the holy grail.
Monty Python quotes don't really count as best lines unless there's something else that makes it particularly funny beyond having quoted MP.
Anyway, you don't have to confirm crits in 4e; you just roll the 20, deal maximum damage plus any crit modifiers, and move on.
To quote my gaming group:
DM: You turn the corner and are confronted by the blinding fiery-red light of a creature whose visage is so horrid as to tempt vomit from your stomachs. Fortitude saves all around.
Drow Verminlord: I summon a spider swarm to eat it's face (A trademark move for him). Then I use disintegrate
Diviner: I cast dimensional lock to keep it escaping and cast cloudkill.
DM: The choking green smog causes the creature to hack and cough as the sickly green disintegrate beam strikes it square on. It collapses in a pile of gold-coloured dust.
Drow: That was easier than I thought.
DM: It's 4th Edition, it doesn't have many hit dice.
Yup, we actually homebrewed 4E as a monster just so we could kill it.
Ahh, sorry I didn't Clarify this, but he didn't actually leave, he was just joking. The humor at the time was we'd just sat down to the table, started out on a new adventure in a new edition and the first roll of the dice of the night finds him dead and making a new character. I guess you had to be there.
Oh, gotcha. Yeah, sometimes tone of voice makes all the difference, which is something that unfortunately is hard to reproduce in text format. BTW, the duel was pure gold, and the toad toss was amazing too. Of course, you don't technically have critical successes and failures in 3.x on anything but attacks (according to RAW), but rolling a 1 still sucks.
Yup, we actually homebrewed 4E as a monster just so we could kill it.
Because we desperately needed some more anti-4e bile around here.
Upon entering an old dusty room the group noticed a hole in the wall with a lever inside it. All the rogue types failed their sense trap rolls, so no one wanted to reach in to pull the lever. The bard, ever the optimist says "If no one else wants to, I will stick my head in the hole to check for traps..." AAAIIEE!!!! You guessed it, decapitated bard.
To this day, whenever on one knows what to do next, the phrase "if no one else wants to, I will stick my head in...." is muttered.
Time to whip out the next character sheet.
P.S. That player was me. Some things never change.
DM: They're coming across the river of holy water in boats.
Me: I target one of the boats with magic missle.
DM: ... the boat.
Me: Yes.
DM: ...Roll damage.
Later on, on the ranger's turn...
DM: You see the general of the massive army of undead since your in the tree, covered in ancient, magical armor. He is much larger then the rest, and is yelling orders to the horde.
Ranger: Wow. How in the world can we get to him?
DM: Your a ranger with a sniper rifle. He's a general without a helmate. Figure it out.
After seeing the undead general go down...
Palidin: Wow. I didn't know this church had a grassy knoll...
Me - So I was told I'm just like one of the guys... AND the girls.
Friend - Apparently you've got that hermaphroditic feel
Me -
Hee hee, good one!
Gads, this thread is up to 170 pages!? Okay, take my advice and if you've not been reading this monster for a few years, don't think "Hmmm, maybe I should start from the beginning again" and try reading it all. I mean, maybe it was a good idea... a Month ago. :D
Ha ha, I'm silly. But now to contribute again--
From a recent session in a Conspiracy style game
Terry - Police sketch artist
Gus - Prop-plane cargo pilot
Maxwell - Airforce officer
Dr. Calvin - Chemist
Raven - CIA agent
Terry: "So let me get this straight, our friend Raven was kidnapped by the villains, who we didn't know were the villains, but Raven knew this and failed to tell us?"
Gus: "Or rather refused. We did ask her and she told us off."
Dr. Calvin: "Something like that, yeah. You best go rescue her before the villains squeeze any info out of her."
Maxwell: "That would be the only reason we would. If the BBEG ransomed her to us we'd be like 'Raven who?' and 'We want her back why?'"
Terry: "I want to rescue her just so I can kick her myself!"
Maxwell: "Oh this rescue is going to be so backwards..."
Gus: "I can see it now. Hey Raven, you forgot your ticket! There's a bus leaving Moscow station in 10 minutes. Be under it."
See, that's why autokill rules suck. The scorpion rolled a critical hit, nothing more. Anyway, you don't have to confirm crits in 4e; you just roll the 20, deal maximum damage plus any crit modifiers, and move on.
Actually, you CAN fail to crit in 4E. If your roll of 20 + attack modifier can't beat your enemy's defense, you only autohit.
So a rogue could crank his Reflex to the point where some creatures won't be able to crit on him. Fighters can to the same to fortitude. There are probably some monsters out there with massive defenses in certain areas. (Dragons, I'm suspicious of you, even though I don't have a monster manual.) I don't think this will be too much of a problem, as most mosters whould have a weakness or two to make up for their strengths.
And yes, autokill rules and random critical hit/critical miss charts suck. I've mentioned a water elemental killing itself on a critically missed attack roll elsewhere on the forum. (Critical miss = a d4 roll for self, friend, break or drop.)
"The water elemental misses it's attack and swings it's fist into it's own chest, causing itself to disappear!"
"How does a water elemental hit itself? It just doesn't seem possible"
"Study martial arts and you'll find out it's pretty easy to hurt yourself."
"..."
Player: I MAKE them notice me!
Me: What?
Player: I make them notice me!
Me: Okay... You stand up and yell loudly while flailing your arms in the air. The guards turn and train their crossbows on you.
Player: Wait, I didn't mean it that way...
Me: They fire.
Me: Alright, you successfully sneak up on the guards, they're deeply involved in their conversation and aren't remotely aware of your presence.
Player: I MAKE them notice me!
Me: What?
Player: I make them notice me!
Me: Okay... You stand up and yell loudly while flailing your arms in the air. The guards turn and train their crossbows on you.
Player: Wait, I didn't mean it that way...
Me: They fire.
Bad GM! no cookie!
Surely you know by now that the only way a PC ever responds to being unseen is to *diplomacise* the guards.
* Using the 1st April Errata of course.
Cleric: "I roll against her Will"
(Me)Wizard: "Thats right cleric do it till she likes it"
Cleric: "? what ?"
Wizard: "Your doing it against her will arnt you"
Cleric: "Uh, yah its my charisma vs. her will save"
Wizard: "Giggity giggity"
Cleric: " Oh! lol"
finally he got it >_>
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue
Locke Fenix: human sorcerer
Shayna Treestrider: elf druid (my NPC)
Thudd: half-orc rogue who pretends to be stupid but actually is smarter than the average half-orc (also my NPC)
The first mission I sent them (minus Thudd) on was to eradicate a pest problem in the house of the local sheriff's mother. The problem turns out to be large spiders. Elim heads in first, encounters three spiders and this:
Shayna (armed with a shortbow): Look out! (unconfirmed crit into Elim's behind)
Elim: You missed!
Shayna: The spider yes! next round
Shayna: Look out again! (again hits Elim)
Elim: Next time we go into somewhere dark and scary Shayna, YOU GO FIRST!
After reconoitering the premises and getting attacked by spiders the size of poodles, the group goes back to the sheriff:
Sheriff: Any sign of the men I sent in?
Locke: You mean Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner? No sign of them.
Then while investigating a rash of goblin attacks on local caravans, the party is ambushed while escorting a said caravan to its destination. Thudd takes advantage of an AoO and proceeds to crit the goblin, turning his head into a golf ball.
Locke: Thudd, we appreciate your enthusiasm, but we can't get any information out of these guys if we end up wearing their brain matter on our clothes!
The commoners on the docks were panicked - "what do we do?" I said, "I have skills at tracking, and I can easily track this shark."
The DM (as the commoner says) "How cant you track a shark?"
I replied, "By following the blood in the water," whereupon I slit the throats of both commoners and dumped them into the water before making my escape.
One of my favorite moments.
:D
A Battle Interactive at a convention is basically a massive battle or set of battles over two rounds (8 hours or so) of play. They are typically long slugfests where resource conservation is key and parties live and die by both good strategy, superior tactics and sometimes luck.
The interactive at Keocon was to decide the fate of the entire region of Living Greyhawk. The writers pulled no punches and against all odds, the good guys won. (To the surprise of the writers, who had not expected victory for the good guys/PCs.) My party was a very solid party for the interactive. And though we had some harrowing moments, we managed to win all of the missions that we were sent on. (Save one that was more of a "break even kind of thing.)
The interactive had an APL 16 party take out an epic level caster. They lost a few members of the party in the process, but they managed to kill him anyway.
This was said by one of the players at my table for the interactive. It's not an in character line, but it's one of my favorite lines to hear EVER, seeing as my party faced fire giants who could take and dish out beatings like few others, 2 ettin master throwers who chucked 4 rocks each in one round, 8 quells at once, multiple hobgoblin wizards with cones of cold, lightning bolts, fireball, and a colossal undead worm that retched up two huge undead dragons AFTER breathing a DC 25 reflex cone of 3d6 con damage, or 1d6 con on a save. (That last one required an item that was placed in the interactive just for that encounter. And even with that item, a kazoo that could control 65 HD of undead, we could still only control 2 of those undead. We chose the big one and the closer of the smaller ones.)
The line that was said that requires so much setup is: "Our table was the only table in the interactive that had no PC deaths."
We did so well that the DM called multiple combats because we had them in the bag.
Lord: A great defender, shield bearer and protector (puts medal on fighter). A leader, keeping his allies bolstered in battle (puts medal on warlord). Controller of battles keeping the enemy always surprised (puts medal on wizard). And... (looks at warlock, who has no outward indication of what he is)
Warlock: Oh.... I put holes in the bad guys.
The line that was said that requires so much setup is: "Our table was the only table in the interactive that had no PC deaths."
Maybe I missed something... I don't get it. Why is that funny?
Warlock: Oh.... I put holes in the bad guys.
Now THAT's funny. The most succinct description of role I've ever heard. I'm gonna use that in my game.
Maybe I missed something... I don't get it. Why is that funny?
These lines dont have to be funny. The name of the thread is "Best Lines Ever." Not "Funniest Lines Ever."
These lines dont have to be funny. The name of the thread is "Best Lines Ever." Not "Funniest Lines Ever."
Fine, sorry. I just assumed I missed the punchline because I'm unfamiliar with those events.
So anyway, the party comes to a temple and starts to talk to the cleric on duty, who appears to be little more than an acolyte. The party asks him a series of questions then, when they can't get the info they are looking for jokingly start talking about killing him since he's useless. So anyway the following exchange takes place:
Dylan: What's your wisdom score anyway?
NPC Cleric: 39
Party:
NPC Cleric: F@#& not with me.
Second one: PC's always roll for random encounters when travelling overland. Anyway, the 9th level party rolls and confirms a random encounter. DM casually places an Owlbear mini on the mat and gives a description that matches that of an owl bear.
Wizard: *Wins initiative* Should I just Fireball the thing?
Paladin: Nah, save your resources, I got this.
Wizard: Okay, I hold.
Paladin: I charge, *rolls* with modifiers that's 28. *Grabs damage dice*
DM: Miss
Party: FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL!
Fine, sorry. I just assumed I missed the punchline because I'm unfamiliar with those events.
Oh, only players who came to Keocon would know the specific events. It's like being able to say your party made it through the Tomb of Horrors (Or whichever mod had the dragon that warned you away at the beginning.) without any deaths. Or that your party made it through the Tomb of Horrors.
Let's just say that the missions during the battle interactive at keocon were thoroughly lethal. When the people running the con asked "Who died during the interactive?", there were at least 12, maybe closer to 15 or 20 players who raised their hand. The total number of people at the interactive was approximately 100. And I'm not kidding when I said the writers had not expected the PCs to win the day.
The second funniest line at Keocon was "You need to get sound out of The Kazoo for it to work". The Kazoo was a magic item that could control up to 65 HD of Undead via the Control Undead spell.
The FUNNIEST line at keocon was "NO, you are not taking a picture of me playing a pink kazoo!" This was said angrily by a guy who didn't want the moment immortalized.
If I'd only had a camera.
Oh, only players who came to Keocon would know the specific events. It's like being able to say your party made it through the Tomb of Horrors (Or whichever mod had the dragon that warned you away at the beginning.) without any deaths. Or that your party made it through the Tomb of Horrors.
DM: Sacrifice the badger!
Kavok's Player: But I don't want to! Kavok likes nature!
DM: Then you'll suffocate in this cave!
Kavok's Player: Okay, I sacrifice the badger, but I don't enjoy it.
DM: "Drink," the voice says. "Know that the ground is but water, but..."
Kavok's Player: What? No!
DM: Suffocation.
Kavok's Player: Fine. I drink, but I don't enjoy it.
He got the ability to burrow from that infernal act, though it was flavored as him being yanked through the earth by some force.
ranger knocked out
in court
the prosecuter: *to the king* that ranger despoiled your good name and threatened death upon you-
Our drow cleric
she was supposed to be our lawyer) and ****Prosecuter: yes, and ****
the king: he shall be tortured to death twice; he'll be ressurected then killed again.
ranger: so how much is bail?
Sarcasm and mockery sense tingling, must.. form... retort!
Nope. Sorry. I'm tapped out. I can't think of a response to something that looks like a reject from "Lolcats".
I just can't think of how to come back to something as inane as that.
Yes, I am aware of the Irony in that statement.
Sarcasm and mockery sense tingling, must.. form... retort!
Nope. Sorry. I'm tapped out. I can't think of a response to something that looks like a reject from "Lolcats".
I just can't think of how to come back to something as inane as that.
Yes, I am aware of the Irony in that statement.
Man, is everyone and their dog a /b/tard now?
I remember that in the D&D based manga Id, the main character insults a dragon, in Draconic, while having his voice amplified by an elemental.
Sarcasm and mockery sense tingling, must.. form... retort!
Nope. Sorry. I'm tapped out. I can't think of a response to something that looks like a reject from "Lolcats".
I just can't think of how to come back to something as inane as that.
Yes, I am aware of the Irony in that statement.
Well, there's not much else to say to a so-called "best line" that's basically just self-aggrandizement. So you survived a tough fight against the odds. Whoop-tee-doo for you. If you had something clever to say about it, or if someone had an impressive death scene, that would be a "best line". Fishing for compliments, on the other hand, is really kinda pathetic.
Bob: CN Rogue
Me: N Rogue
Lui: N Warforged/Artificer (odd I know)
We are all level 10 and for some reason have adquired our own air ship. We are on the second of three floors and very far from the stairs.
Bob: I jump to the first floor!
DM: You... through 12in for magically infused hardwood... JUMP? to the first floor?
Bob: YES! (rolls a 19 + ridiculously high jump mod )
DM: You smash your head into the wood, do 2d4 dmg and pass out.
Me: I run up with a bucket of tar and draw falic objects on his face.
DM: With TAR???
Me: Yup! :D
-----
Later after being shacked together with (what I believe was a BS Item, but good potential for comedy).
Bob+Me are shacked with shocking chains. (they do 1d10 lightning dmg to us for every turn we spend more that 10ft away from each other.
Me: DM, do I really have to drag him around... when's he gonna wake up?
DM: He just did... want me to knock him to knock him out for ya again?
...
Lui: Psssst, (to bob) wanna try that jumping thing again?
(we are now in a cave with a 15ft celing which he can easily reach with HIS Jump)
Bob: YEAH! (Jumps, ... rolls 18)
Me: O_o! I jump with him! (rolls 15)
DM: No shock dmg but bob is bleeding from hitting his head on the roof of the cave.
We proceede to electrocute a Dire Tiger to death with the shackles.
And at the end of it all Bob still hasn't noticed he had falices drawn on his face... that is til he looked on the mirror the next day...
Managed to rip it off with his bare hands but then he had that scar for the rest of the campain.
Party: Yeaaaah thats a trap...
Instead of investigating in the traditional manner, our rogue promptly produces a magic item (forget the exact name) that can produce a small animal once per day. In this case, it produces a badger. He promptly nudges the badger towards the door.
DM: the badger sniffs the door, and...explodes.
Turns out we set off a 'banshee's wail' trap. We spend the next 10 minutes attempting to figure out a way around it before the DM got frustrated and revealed that the trap didnt reset.
(Please note, graphic deaths ensue)I was running an overarching 3.5 campaign a year or so ago based on the 2e planescape setting. The main plot arc was from The Great Modron March (fantastic supplement, btw). For those of you unfamiliar with them: Modrons are basically clockwork critters of different shapes (think dice, more or less) that are beings of pure law from Mechanus. Every 2000 years (can't remember the exact timeframe) like clockwork these guys pour forth from Mechanus to travel around the planes (noone is really sure why). Millions and millions come out, a handful finish after they make it all around the planes, if that. Well, the march just started early (!!!) by 63 years and the PCs are trying to figure out why, since these are beings of ultimate law.
Anyway, at this point the march was travelling through Mount Celestia and the PCs were trooping along with it for the time being. A lantern archon comes and asks for their help; the march is about to go through an old city. The problem is that the modrons are marching in accordance with the ancient layout of the city in a pact they had made thousands of years ago. Needless to say, the city had been changed quite a bit since then and everyone forgot about this march. Basically, the PCs try to convince the modrons to change course (unsuccessfully, of course) and then head to town to try to evacuate as many people as possible.
To make a long story short, the modrons start marching through town along the old paths, destroying buildings as they go if they are in the way. Well, the party is all split up trying to do what they can to save lives.
Enter Sunder, a 45 year old human fighter who has given up farming in some sort of midlife crisis to do some good in the world. In particular, he wishes to become a paladin (he wants to prove himself before making the switch). A lady runs up to him and pleads for his help: the orphanage is in the path of one column of the modrons and she can't evacuate them all herself. Sunder obviously sees this as a divine challenge, if he can save tons of lives he is that much closer to being a true paladin.
Well, he runs into the orphanage as the building is starting to rumble and shake. He bursts through the door; the orphans on the first level had been evacuated already so he sprints up the stairs. He reaches the next floor and finds tons of children all huddling under tables/chairs/etc as plaster is starting to fall from the walls and ceilings. He then proceeds to throw off a 20-something intimidate to yell at the children to run for their lives. Obviously the children are already frightened enough and a big man they don't know coming up the stairs screaming at them doesn't help so they stay hiding. Sunder sprints up to the next floor. Now the building is starting to really shake, rattle and roll, the walls are starting to fall apart. Then....
Me: You reach the 3rd floor of the orphanage. This floor is in even worse shape than the others. All the pictures and decorations are falling off the walls and there is a good amount of dust in the air now. You see probably 10 orphans up here.
Sunder: I intimidate them again. *Rolls in the high teens*.
Me: Same effect as last time. They are like deer in headlights. They're obviously not going to move with you screaming at them. The place is really starting to fall apart. You estimate you have a minute, tops. After that the building is going to collapse into a heap of rubble.
Sunder: I grab a kid.
Me: Ok, he seems a little afraid of you but doesn't try to scamper away.
Sunder: I gotta get them out of here. There isn't any time left.
Me: Yeah, one wall is half gone now. Took the window and everything with it.
Sunder: I throw him out the window.
Me:
Ummm...what?Sunder: Gently! Gently!
*The group is going into hysterics at this point.*
Me: Ummm...you grab the kid by the scruff of his collar and throw him out the window. He screams as he plummets three stories and with a sickening crunch resembling that of a watermelon he hits the cobblestones below.
Sunder: Dammit, I thought it wouldn't hurt him that badly...
Another member of the group (OOC): Just keep throwing them, eventually they'll pile and start surviving!
Sunder: ...
Me: Well, the building is starting to sway now. The children are screaming and screaming. You have a minimal amount of time left before the house comes down. You better do something fast.
Sunder: I'm getting out of here. At least I can save a couple kids. I'm screaming a diplomacy at them to get them moving (another roll mid teens). Then I'm grabbing two of them by the collar.
Me: Well, the others are NOT moving, they're scared to death of you more than the swaying orphanage at the moment. You did just throw one of them to an untimely demise.
Sunder: I'm shoving one kid down the stairs gently then pushing the other one front of me as I go down the stairs. I'm saving some kids, dammit!
Me: Alright. Give me a strength check. (He rolls something decent). You shove the first kid in front of you down the stairs. That shove was pretty hard, he's losing his balance.
Sunder: I reach forward and grab him so he doesn't fall.
Me: Sure, gimme a balance.
Sunder: *Fumbles* Oh for the love of...
Me: Well, you lean forward to grab him as another tremor from the assaulting modrons hits. Unfortunately you lose your balance and tumble forward...taking both orphans with you tumbling down the stairs. Give me a tumble check.
Sunder: *Against all odds, fumbles again*
Me: You clumsy bastard. Your trip was graceful, assuming that's what you call a fully grown male in plate armor smashing into two helpless orphans at high speed. If it's any consolation, the inertia from your swan dive down the stairs instantly kills both orphans; one has his neck snapped and the other gets impaled on your shoulder spikes. You flee in shame out of the building as it collapses with a colossal roar of falling debris and childrens' death cries. Congratulations, against all odds you managed to save zero orphans from a falling building.
To this day whenever someone does something boneheaded and realizes afterwards they (or someone else) always calls out "Gently! Gently!" :D
Hope the story was worth the tl;dr
(sweeny todd referance): mrs lovett, what a charming notion!
mrs: well... it does seem a waste.
~my EEEVIL earth elemental. He's the one that ripped the gnome in half.
Unfortunately he was stopped by a lumberjack.
"My cleric will never buff Hariman's fighter."*
Said by me, at a later date, to him, when we were both playing different characters:
"My cleric will never buff your ranger."**
His response?
"**** You! ... I'm just kidding!"
Hariman
* Typically, his cleric buffs the Raging Barbarian, who is probably better off with those buffs. Even it it's only because the barbarian's player rolls lower. That, and he likes to mess with me.
** I might or might not buff said ranger. It all depends on if I have a barbarian or fighter to buff instead. Not to mention that messing with him is fun. ;)
DM: you see a huge, black metal door with hundreds of bodies strewn about it.
Party: Yeaaaah thats a trap...
Instead of investigating in the traditional manner, our rogue promptly produces a magic item (forget the exact name) that can produce a small animal once per day. In this case, it produces a badger. He promptly nudges the badger towards the door.
DM: the badger sniffs the door, and...explodes.
Turns out we set off a 'banshee's wail' trap. We spend the next 10 minutes attempting to figure out a way around it before the DM got frustrated and revealed that the trap didnt reset.
hahaha, that's in Grasp of the Emerald Claw. My players actually figured it out pretty fast, but I remember that before they figured out what it was they were afraid the bodyparts would become some sort of undead swarm creature.
hahaha, that's in Grasp of the Emerald Claw. My players actually figured it out pretty fast, but I remember that before they figured out what it was they were afraid the bodyparts would become some sort of undead swarm creature.
yeah, it was. when my party encountered that, the wizard managed to figure out what it was and my rogue came up with a clever way of getting past it.
deafened the whole party with a thunderstone and walked through the door.
Context, first fourth edition game session a Kobold Vermin Master (see Dragon Magazine article on kobolds) pegged the warlock with his vermin cage attack. Later the party found a torture chamber where this clan of kobolds tortures its victims, they like to break the will of their enemies driving them mad (They're part of a cult of madness that will figure into a larger plot). There was a small cage with a kobold from another clan that had been driven completely mad, another captured kobold asked the party to put his friend out of his misery as he'd gone completely around the bend... instead the dwarf had the above idea.
Context: So, I was running a game that consisted of two bards, a beguiler, a drunken master, and a barbarian. They were all members of a circus. The bards and the beguiler were all fairly young and had a desire to sow their oats, as it goes. Ironically, the only characters to ever succeed, despite even my best efforts to please (snicker) the two PCs, were the barbarian and the gnome. It is the story of the barbarian that I aim to tell. So, the bards were doing their bardy thing and entertaining, and the beguiler went to a gnome bar to find a girl. He succeeded, and upon hearing this, the barbarian player decided he should try too. So, I had him roll a charisma check to try and attract female attention. He rolls a two. I inform him that the only woman really looking at him is a particularly ugly half-orc barmaid. At least, he thinks it's a barmaid. I also inform him that, if he really tried, he might be able to do better for himself. His response is in quotes at the top. Ever since, no one has been allowed to utter that phrase ata table in our group.
"Cleric goes into crocodile. Cleric does not come out of crocodile." - apparently grapple wasn't his strong suit.
"Never mind." The DM had had us ambushed by a Hag and her pet Gray Render. On the first round I had successfully croc-grabbed them both. That was the end of the encounter.
"Arrows sticking out of me are a specific feature." might not have been the exact words, next encounter I had a discussion with the DM about whether Translocation Trick (which duplicates Disguise Self) would fool the harpies trying to kill me.
First, the party has just enetered an antichamber with a gold tablet found in the center of the room.
Rgoue: *taps the tablet*
DM: The tablet glows for a moment before dimming.
Me: *places a hand on it*
DM: The tablet shines out a light in a radius of about 10 feet.
Me: *begins to leave without the tablet, dragging the rogue with me* We should go, that thing just screams trap.
Ranger: *grabs the tablet and grasps it to his chest*
DM: The antichamber begins to shake.
Me *still dragging Rogue* Oh s***! *Not noticing the ranger has the tablet* Run away! *flees with the rogue - somehow - not being dragged and running in front of me*
Me and Rogue: *Running out of the cave*
Ranger: *Running with the tablet gripped to his chest, escapes as the tunnel collapses behind him*
DM: *to me* As you pick the ranger and the tablet off the ground, you see a red beam of light come up from what looks to be the cemetery.
Rogue: *To me* What did you do!
Me: *to Ranger*: What did you do!
Ranger: *to both of us* I wasn't leaving my gold tablet behind *bites the corner of it* Yeah, that's real gold...
Second setting, its dusk, so we're under low-light settings.
DM: The man scrambles to his feet and runs away.
Me: (To Rogue) Stop him! Throw shuriken at the back of his knees!
Rogue: *rolls* *hits*
DM: As the man turns to look back, the shuriken hit him in the side, puncturing his leather armor. He bleeds and screams in pain but continues to run.
Me: (To Rogue) I said his legs, not his spleen!
Rogue: It's dark out!
Me: You can see in the dark, don't **** with me!
The next day, we return to town to find it taken over by about a dozen hobgoblins, half looking for a staff while half patrol the town, keeping everyone in their homes. The rogue has - somehow - bluffed his way into the mayor's home with us pretending to be his body guards. A mistake on my part has the bluff slowly starting to unravel. Realizing this, in-game my character does the only thing he can think of:
Me: They told us that we were here for taxes!
Rogue: No, we're here about the staff!
Rogue (out of game): How are you going to get us out of this one now, junior?
Me: Well excuse me, I'm just a lowly grunt! *shoves rogue*
Rogue: You're damn right you are, you dumb*** human brute! *shoves me*
Me: Human brute, I'll show you! *takes out Bastard Sword, swings at a hobgoblin*
DM: Make your attack of opportunity.
Me: *Rolls* *hits*
DM: You swing your blade down and chop the hobgoblin's right arm off at his shoulder.
Me (out of game): And don't call me 'Junior' ever again.
*party easily beats the 1.5 hobgoblins in the room*
Ranger: You two going to be ok? I won't have to kill one (as he leans his head towards the rogue) of you will I?
In my last campaign, I think everyone was level 11 and we were in Xen'drik looking for Giant ruins to loot. We had received a map from the inside of a vase that was part of a fountain. The party was following it when I called for spot checks and they notice a T-Rex standing atop a low cliff staring at them. Battle ensues, and one player gets swallowed. The T-rex is turned to stone and we break the swallowed guy out, and then he and I have this conversation.
Cast:
Keelitoo, Darfellan TWF Ranger, me DMPC
ShadowRunner, Elf Bow Ranger, the swallowed one
Me: " Why didn't you just cut your way out?!?!"
SR: " I don't have a dagger."
Me: You don't have a dagger?!! What kind of adventuerer doesn't have a dagger?" ::Reaches up and breaks a stick of a tree:: " Here, sharpen this, it'll work.
Me(OOC): Improvised stabbing weapon.
At this point, one of the other players says he has a throwing axe that ShadowRunner can use.
Me: I look at my char sheet and see that I don't have a dagger either, or anything else that I could cut my way out of a stomach with. ::Pantomimes shapening the stick.::
SR: "What are you doing?"
Me: I lean over to him and in a mock wisper, " I don't have a dagger either."
My players busted up laughing at me
Wizard: I walk up to the fat hobgoblin and whack him in the balls.
DM: *odd look* Ok, roll to hit.
Wizard: *rolls* Nat 20. I hit.
DM: OK, max damage.
Rogue (OOC): Wait, isn't your staff magical? If so, you roll a d6 for extra damage.
DM: He's right, go ahead and roll.
Wizard: *rolls, gets a 6*
DM: So that's a total of 15 damage. As the staff impacts his nether regions, he screams in a high-pitched scream much higher than the child he just injured.
Me (OOC): *to the DM* Why did you let her get a Staff of Ball-Busting as her weapon!
Me (OOC): *to the DM* Why did you let her get a Staff of Ball-Busting as her weapon!
All women have those. It's a class feature. :D
Me: So, wait, he's one of those lazy fools who sold his soul for Arcane powers?
Wizard: Actually, the way he tells it, he was just "consorting" with a nymph.
Me: (after thinking a minute) So, eldritch blast is a STP.
Wizard: STP?
Me: Sexually Transmitted Power. (in the usual commerical voice-over) Side effects from interacting with fey may cause blindness, deafness, enthrallment, and a burning sensation from the palms. Please consolt your cleric before traveling the planes.
Our group consists of a Paladin (me) named Volund, a fighter who goes by the name Blade Mistress, a Barbarian with a very very high strength and very very low int and wis named Thug, a rogue, a cowardly mage, and a cleric of Sune.
We are stopping for the evening and preparing to make camp when we are attacked by a large group of Hobgoblins. Well, needless to say, they caught us at the worst possible time.
Myself, Blade and Thug draw steel and do what we need to. Our wiz starts to cast a spell, but is knocked out by a lucky shot. The thief heads for the hills (actually to do some backstabbing (and pickpocket the unconscious mage).
Well, the fight isn’t going so well and the Cleric calls upon divine intervention… and roles a double-ought…
In a flash of brilliance, Sune Firehair appears in the middle of the clearing we were using as a camp. Most everyone became awestuck at this. The goddess of beauty turned to the cleric and said, “What is it that you request of me, my child?”
The cleric, just as awestruck (she failed her roll also) said (RPing her failure)… “Can you do my hair?” Did I mention that she rolled a 1 on her save?
So, here we are, fight of our lives, and the cleric is gossiping and giggling with a goddess in the middle of the grove getting a makeover!
Well, we ended up getting the upper hand, just barely and the Hobgoblins were routed. The goddess disappeared and the cleric looked great… Then a hobgoblin threw a sling stone which cracked her in the forehead.
I ran over and used my lay on hands to wake her up. As she opened her eyes, we bombarded her with question, “What was that?” “Are you okay?” “Why didn’t you help?”
Her reply was, “Huh, what, who?” in a dazed blurr.
Jumping up, Thug declared in a painful flash of insight, “Oh no, dey med hur stoopid!”
[/emote forehead smack]
Second story… why you should never underestimate a good rogue.
We were sailing to our destination across the sea. Our random encounter was a pirate ship. Well, the crew was preparing for battle when the rogue, having forgot to restock, realized that her she had no stones for her sling.
The pirate ship was breathing down our neck and she was powerless to do anything about it. Well, she saw that an Ogre mage was leading the pirates and panicked. She picked up the nearest thing she could find to sling at the villain… a rat scurrying across the deck.
She wound up and let it fly… Natural 20 on her to-hit! Well, she was amazed. The DM, just as amazed, told her to roll an effect (our game gave an added effect with critical hits). Again, she rolled a natural 20… instant death.
Well, the pirates decided to turn and flee… I mean, what kind of people were they facing that could instantly kill their most powerful officer with a rat at fifty feet!
In a flash of brilliance, Sune Firehair appears in the middle of the clearing we were using as a camp. Most everyone became awestuck at this. The goddess of beauty turned to the cleric and said, “What is it that you request of me, my child?”
A deity appeared in the middle of a fight and Hobgoblins decided to stick around? Were they simply too stupid to realize what was going on?
However, I believe they realized that nothing would happen to them as long as they ignore the glowing stylist session.
It took about five minutes to restore order.
Was playing a futuristic game with power armor that you could insert modules into. One of the players finds a module he can't use, turns to another player and says, "Hey, do you have any open slots in your armor?"
It took about five minutes to restore order.
*pull*
Chiching! Chiching! Chiching!
Jackpot!
Then, miraculously, he turned right around and came running back towards us! Naturally, we were overjoyed and I myself stepped right in front of everyone else to get my next Sneak Attack in ASAP.
Of course, that meant that I became the target of his charge. From horseback. With a lance. I went from 14 hit points to -22.
As the lance came straight for my body, I whispered: "I feel... poned."
Here's a rough transcript of what went down one session.
DM: In the chest you find a severed right hand. The flesh has turned a dark black, and dark necrotic energy is seeping from it.
Everyone: OMG it's Vecna's hand etc.
DM: *pretending to get all into it, reads description of Vecna's hand from the DM's guide, clearly stating that the hand of Vecna is Vecna's left hand, but not dwelling on that point*
Me and V: *exchange smug glances, but say not a word*
B: I grab the hand!
A: Don't you touch it! You only have like 8 hp left. I'll kill you in one shot. I'll do it, don't make me.
B: ok! *geez*
A: I cut off my right hand and attach the hand of Vecna.
DM: The hand does not attach to your arm. The hand of Vecna, as I stated earlier, is his *left* hand. You just cut off your hand for nothing.
*silence*
*general laughter*
A: What am I going to do now?
Me: Well, you've still got that "autograph of Jesus" from when such-and-such was having that joke campaign session. Use it to convince a Priest to miraculously reattach your hand.
A: OK
It was legendary and awesome. ANd we never let (A) forget it
The Sorcerer has determined that in order to get the city operational they must replace a dead magic crystal.
The Half-Orc Barbarian (Darren) proceeds to smash the defunct crystal, which is spinning at a high rate of speed on a gyroscope at the center of the city.
He then takes the new crystal and attempts to insert it into the spinning contraption.
DM : OK roll an attack
Darren : Nat 20
DM : now a reflex save
Darren : uh... 1
DM : So your character fails to let go in time and is sent sailing through the air.
Sorcerer : I cast feather fall on him.
DM to Darren : You suddenly become light as a feather and begin drifting to the ground.
Darren : I'm Magic!!!!
The character upon landing finds a shard of the original crystal and fashions himself a "Magic weapon"
They later come upon a wizard locked door that the party can't get around, we end our night as they leave in search of something less frustrating to overcome.
Darren pulls me aside and tells me he can't make the next gaming session but that he has a plan. He wants his character's new found belief in his ability to cast magic translate into cross classing.
So the they leave Darren slathering and hacking at the Wizard locked door.
When they come back after a day of adventuring the door opens from the inside and Darren walks out.
His Half Orc is dressed in a wizards robes, has several wands stuffed into his belt, has slippers that his orcish feet have ripped through and even has the pointy wizard hat.
Sorcerer : How did you get through the door?
Darren : I'm Magic
He carries several books... mostly on cooking and other useless subjects which he refers to as his Magic books, and studies them daily. This being even more fun since Barbarians can't read.
In actuality he had found a portion of the room that was not protected by magic and spent the entire day tearing down a section of the wall in order to infiltrate the mage's study... then looted anything that "looked like magic"
The first time he cast a spell the response from every character was the same.
WTF?????
Unaware of the groups makeup he has built a Paladin.
They come to an Orcish encampment and slay the warriors. As the women and children run the CN Half Orc Barbarian (Different one) begins cutting them down.
The paladin rushes to stop him, being the nice guy he is he decides to cut off the Barbarians arm instead of killing him.
The Barbarian in his rage keeps coming.
The Paladin cuts off his other arm.
Barbarian: I head but him.
Me : Do you have Unarmed Combat?
Another Campaign... all the characters are either LE, LN or CN and a guest player joins for the night.
Unaware of the groups makeup he has built a Paladin.
They come to an Orcish encampment and slay the warriors. As the women and children run the CN Half Orc Barbarian (Different one) begins cutting them down.
The paladin rushes to stop him, being the nice guy he is he decides to cut off the Barbarians arm instead of killing him.
The Barbarian in his rage keeps coming.
The Paladin cuts off his other arm.
Barbarian: I head but him.
Me : Do you have Unarmed Combat?
Should of bite... this just begs for a Monty Python reference.
Did the pally get corrupted or cooked (literally?) or was he just run off (new character)?
This particular session, they had just discovered an old temple of a forgotten god, the Forbidden Fane. It was partially submerged, so there were lots of aquatic and amphibious creatures...which was surprising to the PCs, since based on the images on the walls it was an ancient fire/sun god's temple. Thus, anytime they fought, say, a young red dragon followed by some lizardfolk marsh mystics, they go "Well, I was expecting a visit to the Fire Fane, not the Temple of [insert water creature here]!" The big boss fight at the end was a chuul, which was really scary for the PCs since they were used to them being pushovers in 3e, and they aren't level 10 yet.
I asked my sister, since she was new at this, what I should use to recap. She's an Aretha Franklin fan (you remember Chain of Fools?), so we got together and came up with a little song to recap.
What was it?
Fane, fane, fane,
(fane, fane, fane)
Fane of Chuuls!
I barely dodged the flying PHBs.
However, he just happened to be wearing spiked gauntlets.
In the end, he died just 2 points of dmg short of getting out.
Summary: He nearly PUNCHED HIS WAY OUT OF A SHARK.
Later, my party is fighting a white dragon with a pair of "powerful" kobolds. After dealing with the fodder, the warlord finally decides to use some healing on the party. The archery ranger, the warlock, the rogue, and the other fighter (I also was one), dealt with the kobolds while I staved off the dragon:
Warlord: Okay, who needs to spend a healing surge?
Warlock: Well, I'm at 8.
Archer: I'm at 8.
Rogue: I'm fine.
Me: I'm stand IN FRONT OF THE DRAGON!
Eventually the fighter and I are on opposite side of the beast, with the warlord and rogue flanking on its other two faces. Myself and the rogue are the only ones hitting the dragon, and most of my die rolls are either max or near-max damage, so I've been laying the hurt. Eventually the dragon is pretty nearly dead, one maybe two shots to kill it, when the rogue drops, the other fighter goes and misses, and it is my turn.
Me to rogue: (OOC) Have you used your second wind yet?
Rogue: (OOC) Nope.
Me: Okay, I'll move over to the rogue. Now the dragon gets an A.o.O. against me, but since (Fighter 2) was the last to attack him, he has the dragon marked and the beast will suffer an attack. Is it making an A.o.O.?
DM: ::looking crestfallen:: No.
Me: Okay, so I move to the rogue, Heal check, yup passed, so rogue, you are back up. With my standard I attack, oohhhh, crit, max damage. And since I haven't used my action point yet, I'll attack again, 18 in the die I know that's a hit, let's see what damage I roll, well look max damage again.
DM: ::Even sadder than before:: It dies.
I look at my character experience, do a few quick calculations, and exclaim: "DING!".
"Oh my god, my eyes!"
Ok, the setup. The party had just spent the last night cathing some kobold thieves trying to raid a warehouse in the city. Nothing to special of a fight, though the wizard did decide to throw himself in the sewage cannals to put out the fire when he got hit with a firepot. At that point, the player had to leave, so no one saw the wizard.
Anywho, thats unrelated, the morning after, they get paid for there small share for being hired mercenaries. The Dragonborn Cleric gets his pouch of money.
DM (me): Alright, here you go, do you want to buy. Items or services?
Cleric: (chuckles) I'm thinking of a service.
DM: Alright, what do you need?
Cleric: I want to find some action.
DM: *Blinks* You want to find...
Cleric: A prostitute. This Dragonborn is horney.
DM: *Rolls eyes* I guess you can try. Roll a streetwise check to search the town.
Cleric: *Rolls- Nat 20
DM: *stares blankly...."Ok....so, you find the one human women in the entire city that's In to that.
Cleric:Just for insurance *Rolls endurance check- nat 20.
The next day...
Eldarin Rogue starts looking around the tavern to find everyone, walks into the room.
"Oh my god, my eyes!"
We laughed for at least 15 min as the Rogue is now permantly scarred from the visual image, meanwhile, the dragonborn cleric is so happy, he gets an idea witha big grin and a thumbs up as his pic. Gee, I wonder why.
So, the quote of the night was simply...
"Oh my god, my eyes!"
I fail to see why he couldn't have just found a lady dragonborn.
Not great, but I was amused by the following.
We're being swarmed by Goblin Minions and some other Goblins. In one 3x3 area there are 6 minions and two non-minions. Our party doesn't have a Wizard, but does have 3 DB. So, me, the Warlord, gets away from the mess I'm fighting, and use Scorching Burst (The at-will I took as an encounter power from Wizard Multiclass, a feat I just took), and proceeded to kill all 6 of the minions and hit both of the non-minions.
Teifling Warlock (I think it was him): "What happened?"
Me: "A Wizard happened."
Me: Okay, so I move to the rogue, Heal check, yup passed, so rogue, you are back up. With my standard I attack, oohhhh, crit, max damage. And since I haven't used my action point yet, I'll attack again, 18 in the die I know that's a hit, let's see what damage I roll, well look max damage again.
Didn't you just use three standard actions there? A heal check to deliver first aid is a standard action in itself. You can't follow that up with two attacks even if you burn the action point.Me: I can't stand next to my friends?
DM (as the 3rd zealot): The True God helps those who helps themselves.
Me (OOC): The True God can bite my ass.
Rogue (seeing me now being flanked, in hiding): I throw my magic dagger at the head religious zealot.
DM: OK, *rolls* Well, the dagger gets blocked by a clawed hand, wielding a falchion.
Me (OOC): Well, we're boned.
*after killing the apparent Dragonborn, my sword is stuck in one who has turned to stone*
Me: I kick the stoned one.
DM: Ok... Your foot hurts a bit but the sword's not freed.
Me: Stupid f'cking lizard... *kicks it again* *rolls* Nat 20.
DM: What was the roll for?
Me: Acrobatics check.
DM: Why?
Me: That the kick breaks the sword out and I dexterously sheath it.
DM: OK... You do so.
Me: I'm THAT damn good.
Later, we're attempting to make camp and a lost half-elf child (to me, as far as I know the kid's about 100) comes up. After seeing the Rogue (a drow) he runs.
Rogue: I'm going to throw a shuriken at his pants leg and pin him to a tree.
Me: Remember what happened last time you did that? (see pg. 171 for details)
Rogue: Don't worry, this time I won't miss. *rolls*
DM: *Sees the roll* You hear a painful scream from the forest.
Me: I told you to NOT DO THAT!
Rogue: It's dark out!
Me: YOU CAN SEE IN THE DARK! I KNOW YOU CAN! DON'T DO THAT AGAIN OR I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT!
DM (OOC): If you did that you may just greatly injure the Rogue; after all, he's only 105 lbs. Not to mention you've dragged him around several times before.
Me (OOC): His INT is an 8. He'll only respond to physical teachings.
Rogue (OOC): No I won't.
Me (OOC): *throws a mini at him* DON'T DO IT AGAIN!
Rogue (OOC): Ok, ok, I won't!
I am currently hiding out in a Dungsweeper's Guild Hall, where it's just me and my mentally challenged tenant, Neddy who lives in the Guild Hall. I have just moved in, and know nothing of the guild hall. One morning Neddy walks in and greets me.
Neddy: Hi Erin, I took your jacket with the hole in it, and stiched it up and hung it in the closet behind the bookcase.
Not having the slightest idea what he's talking about.
Erin: Neddy....Is one of us high?
Erin and my rogue friend Klaus have been working our way through a Mad House styled dungeon our DM created for us. We come to door we haven't entered yet.
Me, OOC: Is the door locked?
DM: Nope.
Klaus, OOC: I check for traps. :: rolls ::.
DM: You find no traps.
Klaus, OOC: I open the door.
DM: Before you is a large room, with a long rickety looking wooden bridge spanning across a wide expanse.
Klaus, OOC: I walk in and look over the edge.
DM: As you look over the edge you are hit with the powerful smell of acid. You see down below that the cavern ends in a acid pool. You also notice something swimming in the acid.
Klaus: Erin, what do you know about creatures that can live in acid?
Erin, OOC: I roll a bardic knowledge check.
DM: With your roll you know about acid-born creatures that are as home in acid as other creatures are in water.
Erin, OOC: You mean like sharks?
DM: Yes, like acid sharks.
Erin and Klaus, OOC: We leave the room and close the door.
I'm currently in an evil campaign where I play a human female bard, and my buddy plays a halfling male rogue. It's just the two of us and our DM, and it's a lot of fun. We've had some great moments, like these:
I am currently hiding out in a Dungsweeper's Guild Hall, where it's just me and my mentally challenged tenant, Neddy who lives in the Guild Hall. I have just moved in, and know nothing of the guild hall. One morning Neddy walks in and greets me.
Neddy: Hi Erin, I took your jacket with the hole in it, and stiched it up and hung it in the closet behind the bookcase.
Not having the slightest idea what he's talking about.
Erin: Neddy....Is one of us high?
Erin and my rogue friend Klaus have been working our way through a Mad House styled dungeon our DM created for us. We come to door we haven't entered yet.
Me, OOC: Is the door locked?
DM: Nope.
Klaus, OOC: I check for traps. :: rolls ::.
DM: You find no traps.
Klaus, OOC: I open the door.
DM: Before you is a large room, with a long rickety looking wooden bridge spanning across a wide expanse.
Klaus, OOC: I walk in and look over the edge.
DM: As you look over the edge you are hit with the powerful smell of acid. You see down below that the cavern ends in a acid pool. You also notice something swimming in the acid.
Klaus: Erin, what do you know about creatures that can live in acid?
Erin, OOC: I roll a bardic knowledge check.
DM: With your roll you know about acid-born creatures that are as home in acid as other creatures are in water.
Erin, OOC: You mean like sharks?
DM: Yes, like acid sharks.
Erin and Klaus, OOC: We leave the room and close the door.
At least it wasn't land sharks. (earth elemental creature template, lycanthrope template, or both)
At least it wasn't land sharks. (earth elemental creature template, lycanthrope template, or both)
Or a Bullette.
At least it wasn't land sharks. (earth elemental creature template, lycanthrope template, or both)
Candygram!
Candygram!
Hmmm yes ... Candygrams can be disturbingly evil when disturbed or annoyed ...
Hmmm yes ... Candygrams can be disturbingly evil when disturbed or annoyed ...
It's from the saturday night live "Landshark" skits, about various people who won't open the door to what is obviously a shark - until he claims to be a "Candygram!", at which point they open the door and a huge latex shark head lunges into the room and drags them away. The Jaws theme plays for the entire length of each skit.
I can't prove it in a court of law, but it's my belief that the bulette was invented as a result of those SNL sketches. (For reference -- the first landshark sketch showed up in November of 1975, and the Bulette first appeared in Dragon #1, June 1976.)
I've just asked my DM, who informed me that it is a standard action, but has ruled it a minor for our game. Saddly, I realise that I must reread the PHB again, thinking it was a minor action.
Should of bite... this just begs for a Monty Python reference.
Did the pally get corrupted or cooked (literally?) or was he just run off (new character)?
The poor paladin received death by headbutt.
I've just asked my DM, who informed me that it is a standard action, but has ruled it a minor for our game. Saddly, I realise that I must reread the PHB again, thinking it was a minor action.
Ah. Well. The PHB is like six weeks old, do we really need houserules already?
It's normally pretty easy to just assume what action things are -- minor actions are really quick little things like opening a door or drawing a weapon. Standards are big major actions that take several seconds to complete. Move actions are just for moving and similar stuff.
But quite frankly, I'm not sure what kind of 'first aid' you're supposed to give in four or five seconds that takes a guy who's knocked out or clutching his shoulder in pain and put him back on his feet in fighting condition. It reminds me of Ben "Yahtzee" Croshaw's review of Army of Two -- "If you get shot, you can't move or do anything until your partner comes over to stick a healing foot up your bum."
We go to leave after breaking up camp (we were resting at the time), but wolves attack and kill the boy. After we finish fighting them all, the Wizard has a dead wolf on top of her (she never got a chance to get up with a wolf being on top of her).
Wizard: I use Thunderblast to shoot this dead animal off of me.
DM: OK, he goes flying about 30 feet into the air, before falling.
Me (OOC): *rolls* 19.
DM: Why?
Me (OOC): I go to shish-ka-bob the dead wolf as he falls.
DM: You do so. As the wolf hits the hilt of your sword, his guts spatter open, spraying your armor with blood.
Me: Well, now I feel ready to start the day!
After we all agree to try and save the elf woman's husband, her only son now dead, we reach their apparent den: a small, natural cave formed near a large rock.
Wizard (OOC): I cast Blazing Sphere into the cave entrance.
DM: OK... It goes in.
Wizard (OOC): I lead it down and around the corner. Is anything down there?
DM: Three wolves.
Wizard (OOC): OK *rolls for attack* *hits*
DM: Ok, one of them is bloodied.
Me: Smart move!
Wizard: Well duh, I'm, like, the smart one of the group!
Later, we're fighting two elite wolves in a different section of the cave.
Me (OOC): I move to try and reach them.
DM: As you move your armor gets stuck on the sides of the wall. You can't move forward anymore.
Me (OOC): But I'm crouched down and everything.
DM: What did you not understand about it being a small cave?
*Group gets ambushed by three rat people after killing the elite wolves*
Me (OOC): Screw this *backs up, rolls* 18.
DM: For what?
Me (OOC): Strength check *charges, breaks thru where I got stuck at*
Later, we're fighting the rat folks, one of them is dead but the Wizard is unconscious. I succeed with Healing Word (took Cleric multiclass) and move in to attack.
Me (OOC): Ok, Passing Attack *rolls, hits both*
DM: Roll damage
Me (OOC): *rolls* ... 7 damage... 5 damage.
Ranger (OOC): That's it? You suck!
Me (OOC): Action point. Sweeping Blow *rolls, hits both again*
DM: Roll damage.
Me: *rolls*... 8 damage... 6 damage. *Turns to Ranger* (OOC): It's better than you nat 1-ing three times this session so far!
So after ALL of that, when we've all pretty much exhausted all of our encounter and daily powers (save my Brute Strike) the elf woman has suddenly turned into the BBEG. We all rush out to stop her from killing the NPC with us. She has attacked me and made me not able to see her, but the Rogue points in where she is.
Me (OOC): I use Brute Strike *Rolls* 19... -5... 14 hit?
DM: No. Why'd you even try that, you can't even see her anyway.
Me (OOC): Just because I don't see it, doesn't mean I can't hit it.
Rogue (OOC): Bow chicka wah wah.
Me (OOC): *throws mini at him* Be thankful that's only plastic!
And that's about it. We hit level 4 at the end of this encounter, so now I'm going to take advantage of my Cleric multiclass and take the Novice Power feat to get another Cleric power, since I'm the only PC healer of the group. I hope my DM lets me be able to use Ritual Casting (my L2 feat) so I can Magic Craft for one of my weapons. That'd be REAL funny though; Fighter using arcane spells to Magic Craft a weapon. I could just see the conversation between me and the Wizard right now:
Me: *casting*
Wizard: What're you doing?
Me: Concentrating on making my sword be all magically enchanted and stuff, like all of these other magic doo-hickeys we have.
Wizard: The warrior, doing a ritual? *walks away* Nothing makes sense anymore...
Elf: Why have you come to our land?
Wizard: (Checks Player's Handbook) I cast Prestidigitation to blow out the torch.
DM: You can do that?
Warlock: (OOC) Hold on, you can't cast spells when your hands are tied. Somatic component.
Rogue: (OOC) He's right, you can't.
Wizard: (OOC) No, look it up.
(After much looking up and arguing)
DM: Fine, the torch is blown out. After a few seconds pass, the torch relights.
Wizard: I do it again.
DM: It relights.
(This goes on several times)
Wizard: I do it again.
DM: The elf who is trying to interrogate you has his head in his palm. The torch relights.
Wizard: I do-
Elf: ENOUGH!
DM: (Realizing that Prestidigitation can light or snuff out fires) You want to know why it was relighting? There's an elf wizard standing at the entrance to the tent, and whenever you use Prestidigitation, he does it right back.
Wizard: ...Rainbow! (Conjures rainbow over his head)
Party is trying to prevent a war between the nearby elves and the city. Since we can't actually find the elves again without getting captured by them, we have to talk to the 'Great Spirit of the Forest', which is currently being held hostage by the city's wizard. The Spirit is only seen to our eyes as a huge oak tree, so here's what happened:
Rogue: It's...a tree. Just a normal tree.
Warlock: Just be-leaf in the power of nature, and it will be real...
Rogue: Grr...I'm going to stabbity your eyes out.
DM: Don't worry, his bark is worse than his bite.
Rogue: ARGH! (Player slams head down on table)
Fighter: What's the matter, (Rogue)? You look a little green.
Rogue: !@#$%#@
One of our players is a Wizard, and because it has a fair amount of diplomacy and non-combat encounters, the player playing a Warlock completely disbelieves the power of Prestidigitation and Ghost Sound. This is why:
DM: You're at the wizard's tower. There are two guards standing in front.
Rogue: May we enter?
Guard 1: (Mouths words, but makes no sound)
Guard 2: Sorry about him, he's a mute...and he's higher rank than me.
Wizard: I cast Ghost Sound on the mute guard to say 'Go on through.'
DM: The second guard looks around in surprise, and the first guard falls to his knees, praising the heavens but without making a sound. After a short time, he starts sobbing silently. The second guard opens the door and allows you to go through.
Warlock: (OOC) There is no way that Ghost Sound is that strong...
That same character loves the spell Prestidigitation, and uses it whenever he can. He's now got his own repeated line that he says whenever he casts it. Oh, and as a side note, the wizard is insane.
Wizard: Rainbow! (Makes a rainbow above his head)
PC Druid: So your telling me that your the bad guy?
Other Druid: well, not bad
PC Druid: but you are spying on us?
Other Druid: Yes?
PC Druid: So your saying your a plant?
Last session in our Forgotten Realms game i got locked out of town after being left for dead by my adventuring party. I had my gold stolen but recovered the rest of my goods
Dante: Fine. I don't have any cash right now, but i do have something worth trading
GM: *raised eye brow*
Dante:*evil player smile* Yep. Here have a look at this book
GM: What is it?
Dante: Book of the um... Amourus Arts. I got it from a priestess here in town & it "IS" fully illustrated.
GM: ... Your trying to bribe the gate guard with porn.
Dante: Yep. Man greatest weakness... Boobies
Funny thing was it worked.
1) Party's brute was trapped under rubble. This was before my character ever met up with her, so in order to save her life (without being seen casting), I had the familiar touch-deliver a Bull's Strength. her response on getting free? "Thank you magic ferret!"
2) The ferret is my familiar, so i carry him around everywhere. One thug who didn't know what I was grabbed it to taunt me. "Don't do that. You won't like it when it's angry" "Hah! What's a ferret going to.... ARGH! THE PAIN!" (Escape Artist, crawl south, and BITE)
3) And the vote for the worst battle cry ever? "You hurt my ferret!"
... I guess I just have a thing for unexpected familiars. My Hexblade had a hummingbird familiar, for the initiative bonus. To be fair, the DM let it be all-black with a vaguely skull-shaped white mark on its chest. Good times, that.
My party had encountered a room filled with chains hanging from the ceiling. Naturally, we are suspicious.
Party: Well, someones gonna have to test it...
Barbarian: I shove the cleric (me) in.
*table chuckles*
Barbarian: No. Really.
DM: Uh, ok, roll a grapple check.
Me: Nat 20.
Barbarian: ....natural 1
DM: The cleric steps sideways, and the barbarian tumbles into the room headfirst. The door slams behind him, and the chains animate...
Party:
Wizard: I cast Ghost Sound on the mute guard to say 'Go on through.'
DM: The second guard looks around in surprise, and the first guard falls to his knees, praising the heavens but without making a sound.
...why would the first guard think he'd been healed? Wouldn't he be aware that he hadn't intended to say "go on through"? If I were mute I don't think I'd be any happier about suddenly being able to speak but having no control over what my mouth said...... I guess I just have a thing for unexpected familiars. My Hexblade had a hummingbird familiar, for the initiative bonus. To be fair, the DM let it be all-black with a vaguely skull-shaped white mark on its chest. Good times, that.
The Punisher got turned into a hummingbird? :D
Just remembered one.
My party had encountered a room filled with chains hanging from the ceiling. Naturally, we are suspicious.
Party: Well, someones gonna have to test it...
Barbarian: I shove the cleric (me) in.
*table chuckles*
Barbarian: No. Really.
DM: Uh, ok, roll a grapple check.
Me: Nat 20.
Barbarian: ....natural 1
DM: The cleric steps sideways, and the barbarian tumbles into the room headfirst. The door slams behind him, and the chains animate...
Party:
Pure awesome, are you a 4ed cleric or a 3ed cleric-zilla?
Even if you Rarely healed before, that barbarian is never going to get healed again.
Me: I wonder if that happens every time? *motion a pulling motion*
GM:...... You pull the lever, the room fills with fire and you take *roll* nine
Other player:STOP THAT!
Used to accurately describe my actions.
"I'm attacking the darkness!"
Not only did we defeat the darkness... we German suplexed the darkness!
The DM allowed it mainly because nobody expected a cantrip to be of much use. I'm not sure it would have made much of a difference, because we had another character trained in Diplomacy and Bluff, so we would have made it in anyway.
I do have a few more situations from my group's first foray into 4e with the supplied town in the DMG. I'm playing an Unaligned Rogue, and the party consists of a Warlord (A damn good one for the first time playing, as a side-note), a Ranger, and a Paladin worshipping Bahamut.
Oh, and one last note about our Paladin: Since there are three people in the party who worship a dragon (The Paladin managed to convince the Ranger to convert to worshipping Bahamut, and I secretly worship Tiamat) he managed to give himself the recurring line of handing out a pamphlet and saying, "Church of Bahamut?"
Anyway, onto the story:
The situation: A female performer is up on a stage, and several assassins have leapt onto the stage to make an attempt on her life.
Paladin: I jump on-stage and attack the assassins.
DM: Warlord, you see another Dragonborn who looks suspiciously like somebody you know. (Warlord was a Dragonborn who left his people for a reason we never got around to)
Warlord: Damn. Well, I look around for a barrel (Rolls a successful Perception check) and jump inside.
Ranger: I fire off arrows to fight the would-be assassins.
Rogue: (OOC) What's the general state of mind of the crowd right now?
DM: Uh...panicked. They're running away.
Rogue: (Completely IC) I try to rob some of them. (Successful Thievery check)
DM: Ok...you find a few gold and a wineskin.
After other various actions, including the Dragonborn rolling the barrel from the inside towards the stage, and then breaking it open in a dramatic manner, I'm up again.
Rogue: I make another Thievery check...(Rolls a nat 20)
DM: Congratulations, you just stole somebody's boxer shorts right off of them. You also found a pamphlet for the Church of Bahamut.
Rogue: Well, I don't need this, I throw it away.
Paladin:
My antics as a Pickpocket-happy Rogue didn't stop there. Later on, while the rest of the party was recuperating from a battle, I snuck away to do a bit more thievery.
Rogue: Thievery check...(Rolls low) !@#$.
DM: You've been noticed. The person you were trying to rob grabs your wrist.
Person: What in god's name do you think you're doing?
DM: Oh, by the way it's a female...and a dwarf.
Rogue: Uh...I was definately not trying to pickpocket you.
DM: Bluff?
Rogue: (Rolls high)
Person: Oh, so you were trying to cop a feel? (Pulls out crossbow)
DM: Roll initiative.
Another theme that kept coming back throughout that short-lived campaign was the appearance of the Dragonborn Warlord. Since the primary enemy of the town was kobolds, and they share a common ancestry with dragons...
The first time it happened, we were just about to enter the town, and the guards stopped us. The first one (Who was young and fairly inexperienced) took one look at our party and his first line was:
"Sir! There's a group of people and a giant kobold at the gate!"
The joke has refused to die thus far. The Warlord quickly earned himself a new catchphrase, and we were quick to poke at him often just to make him say it:
"I am not a kobold!"
Let's see-
One time we came to the very last room in this dungeon we'd spent several sessions in. It was a very large open area filled with sand, and at the very far end of the room were three stone slabs on the sand- the middle one having particular interest with a treasure chest on it.
Now, being that that was all that was in the room, this seemed very suspicious. We had to find out just what was with the room, so we threw something of little value out into the sand to see if anything happened. From that we deduced that there was, in fact, something within the sand...something...probably fairly large and horrible.
So, there we are, standing around debating about who's going to be bait to lure out whatever's in the sand when one of the party members says-
Player A: "What about our kobold?"
Player B: "...Kobold?"
Player A: "Yeah, remember, we saved that Kobold and he swore his life to us."
Player C: "Oh yeah, that one we didn't kill. ... We still have him?"
Player A: "I think he's in one of our back-packs"
So, we check, and sure enough..the Kobold is still there, still alive, and still very willing to hold up his end of having "sworn his life" to us. We armed him with a javelin, gave him a holy symbol, and told him we needed him to walk across the room. He was exstatic from us having given him ACTUAL equipment and marched off into the room without question. At which point he was swallowed hole.
But it didn't stop there. After we killed the monster (whatever it was, I forget) we stood around for a moment and someone proposed the question "I wonder if the Kobold's still alive." We slice the monster open out of curiosity, and what comes rolling out of the stomach? A Kobold armed with a javelin and a holy symbol, still alive, and incredibly grateful for us having saved him a second time. :D
Another time was I think one of the very first times I played D&D. I decided to go with a Bard because I thought they sounded pretty cool.
So there we are on this quest from this dragon to deliver a sword to someone or...something and we're trecking through this forest when all of a sudden we find ourselves on the receiving end of a Slaad attack. This was an incredibly close fight as they were already somewhat above our level and they summoned two more Slaads during the fight.
So, as we're there getting torn apart by Slaads that want to turn us into mommies, one of the other players makes a comment to me along the lines of "Quick! Start singing to give us bonuses! We need everything we can get here!" It was at this unfortunate time that I regretfully had to inform them that I had not put even a single point into "Perform" for anything.
As it turns out, however, we level after the incredibly close encounter where everyone survived (well, for the most part... one of the players was escorted off to bare his new Slaad child.) So, this level I put all of my skill points into Perform: Sing as I feel it was justified from learning a new song from the encounter-
"Bad Slaad, Bad Slaad, whatcha gonna do, whatcha gonna do when they come for you. Bad Slaad, Bad Slaad."
Dragonborn Warlord: "I am not a kobold!"
I can so imagine him saying this with a Nixon impression. He is in the leader role, after all. the thread.DM: (Description of town)
Rogue: I'd like to look around for any information on nearby incidents or bandits, et cetera...
DM: Streetwise check?
Rogue: *nat 1*
DM: You fail to notice that bandits are attacking the town, and end up asking one of the bandits whether or not he's seen any bandits around.
Yeah, I know, skill checks aren't auto-fail. He actually did manage to find the information (Low DC, since I ruled it was common enough knowledge that other people would direct him to someone who was looking for people to do his work). I thought I should point this out before we get rules lawyering in here where it's not always welcome.
Malatok; And who are you to oppose the queen of decay?
Blue: Your majesty, I am Blue. I am a herald of Aasterinian, a sword of Bahamut, a Knight of the church, a free and goodly being with the will and the means to lay thee low before the ages. Now draw thy sword and I shall prove my worth with thy fallen form!
I go over the top sometimes.
Fun session Sunday night, with my Dragonborn (3.5) paladin versus Malatok, goddess of corruption and decay.
Malatok; And who are you to oppose the queen of decay?
Blue: Your majesty, I am Blue. I am a herald of Aasterinian, a sword of Bahamut, a Knight of the church, a free and goodly being with the will and the means to lay thee low before the ages. Now draw thy sword and I shall prove my worth with thy fallen form!
I go over the top sometimes.
over the top? you're fighting a demon-goddess, there is no such thing as over the top, you only get more epic. And a real dragon-born too, you should look at the prestige classes in the draconomicon.
You sound like perfect Dracolyte material.
You either give a massive, over the top explanation of who you are... or you say something totally understated like "I'm Bob" or "I'm just me."
over the top? you're fighting a demon-goddess, there is no such thing as over the top, you only get more epic. And a real dragon-born too, you should look at the prestige classes in the draconomicon.
You sound like perfect Dracolyte material.
Note the Dragonborn race. He's 4E, Draconomicon classes are incompatible without a homebrew conversion.
DM: You sense great evil in the jewelery box. STRONG and OVERPOWERING (hintHINThint) EVIL in the box.
Dwarf: I open it.
DM: Out pops a tiny little head. You had heard rumors about this it's a--
Me: OH JESUS it's the DEMILICH!!!
DM: Roll initiative.
There's really only two ways to respond to "Who are you to challenge my greatness?"
Name's Ash. Housewares.
Dragonborn cleric (speaking to a group of 50 or so kobold): Hail brothers!
Wanted to play a kobold, DM said no. So I went with the next best thing.
Through several rule errors, both myself and the Warlock were much stronger than we should have been. For example, the Warlock used one of the feats to give himself a bonus to AC while taking a minus to hit...but we didn't know that it only applied to normal attacks, so he ended up nearly impossible to hit while flinging Eldritch Blasts all over the place.
The first encounter was us trying to diplomatically stop an orc camp from attacking the nearby barbarian village. The orcs only respect combat prowess, so our Warlock ends up in a 1-on-1 duel with the leader of the orcs.
Orc: (Goes first and casts Magic Missile on the Warlock)
Warlock: Ok...I use my flee the scene to warp directly behind him, leaving my image behind, which reacts to hits normally.
DM: No way, you can't possibly do that...
(Some arguments later)
DM: Alright, fine. The spell used up your action to get behind him.
Orc: (Fires another Missile, Warlock's image falls to the ground)
Warlock: I grab my mace and give it a hearty swing at his skull. (Nat 20)
DM: ...If you really felt like it, you could paint a picture using the orc's brains and blood as ink, and the mace as your brush.
Warlock: :D
Later on, we had to infiltrate a warehouse to fight an aristocrat who was being an all-around bad guy. (Extortion, kidnapping, slavery, etc.) We went around to the back entrance and managed to sneak into the wine cellar (It was meant to be a secret escape route)
DM: The room is dark, with the heavy scent of wine around you. You (Warlock) can see a strange device and an orc sleeping.
Warlock: Hmm...well, I kill the sleeping orc and start examining the device.
DM: It's attached to the wall, and there's a small hemisphere on top of it with something inside. On the device is a single button.
Warlock: Check for traps (Rolls high).
DM: Nothing. It's perfectly safe.
Warlock: I press the button.
DM: You hear a loud AH-OOGA! AH-OOGA! come out of the device, and bright red lights start flashing from the thing on top of it.
Me: (Realizing what it is, I facepalm)
Warlock: What? What?
DM: You just activated the alarm system. They officially know you're here.
Luckily, our DM was kind enough and allowed us to do a time reversal back to the point where we screwed up. We broke through the warehouse, made an interesting stair trap (Several flasks of ice or something, some alchemist fire at the bottom, and a trip wire at the top). After a poor series of rolls, I ended up falling down the stairs and hitting the bottom, where I barely managed to avoid the alchemist's fire.
DM: You *barely* manage to avoid the fire. When I say barely, I mean you literally grabbed one of the flasks as you tumbled down and used it to flip onto your feet.
Me: I drink a potion of cure light wounds to heal myself, and roll a tumble check to get back up the stairs.
Warlock: (OOC) Dude, that's like a -10 for trying that.
Me: (With max ranks in Tumble and high Dex, I roll a nat 20)
DM: (Head in hands by this point) You grab the railing and, defying all laws of physics, manage to get up by doing a series of wall jumps from one side to the other.
Me: I'm not a ninja anymore, I'm Neo!
Some combat later, we're sorely outnumbered (This is before we've met the Bard, so it's basically me and the Warlock against the aristocrat's personal guard) when the Warlock devises a plan.
Warlock: (OOC) Uh...wait, these guys are normal human beings, correct?
DM: Pretty much, yeah. Obviously, they're strong enough to fight you, but yeah.
Warlock: (OOC) So they do not, in fact, speak Abyssal?
DM: ...err, no. It's not the most common of languages to speak.
Warlock: BEWARE, MORTALS! I COMMAND THE POWER OF THE DEMONS THEMSELVES! I WILL SUMMON THE DARK LORD IF YOU REFUSE TO STAND DOWN!
Me:
Warlock: (In Abyssal) BEWARE THE EVIL CAKE OF DEATH!
DM: Roll an Intimidate check.
Warlock: (Nat 20, high ranks in Intimidate)
DM: The guards drop their weapons. Two of them have emptied their bowels, and the other three are in the fetal position.
Me: *Sweatdrop and facepalm*
Near the end of our adventure (Which is failing due to both my and the Warlock's overpoweredness) we had to invade a tower a la the end of Ocarina of Time (Ganon's Tower). We manage to fight our way through the levels up to close to the last floor, when we have to fight a bunch of minions and a wizard/sorcerer in a room with a table in the middle)
DM: (Me), roll a Fort save.
Me: (Barely paying attention) Uh...12?
DM: You die.
Me: (Paying attention now) I what?
DM: Phantasmal Killer is a *****.
Amazingly, the Warlock, with some bardric help, managed to take out all the enemies including an incredible tumble check to leap onto and slide across the table in order to reach the caster and then one-shot him. I later got resurrected by the high-level priest who had ordered us to take out the master of the tower. No level loss, because nobody had expected me to actually die, and this is why:
(Long fight on the roof, including me getting Dominated by the master. We had poor rolls the entire time, including me failing the will save to break free of the hold about 4 times)
DM: You finally break free, and it's your turn.
Me: I'm ****** at the master now. I've been killed, resurrected, and now mind controlled. I've fallen down a staircase, I've had an alarm raised on me (Glares at the Warlock), and now I want revenge. I use my Ice Needle Jutsu.
(Quick note: This is essentially what I've been using the entire time as my primary attack, it summons a whole bunch of ice needles to use as weapons; however, since none of us bothered to check rules, we assume that I immediately got to throw all of them as a single attack)
DM: Ok, roll your attack.
Me: Nat 20, nat 18 to confirm.
DM: Roll damage.
Me: (Some ungodly high number)
DM:
Alright, fine, you throw your eight needles at him and he becomes a bloody pincushion. He then falls over the edge of the tower and takes (Rolls damage) a LOT of falling damage. He's now a bloodstain on the stones below.Warlock: :OMG!
DM: (Realizing something) I don't know what to say about this. You managed to one-shot the wizard who is FOUR LEVELS HIGHER THAN YOU, yet you were killed in one hit by the caster who is three levels LOWER than you.
Needless to say, the campaign ended there. The DM explained it, too - a Planeswalker by the name of 'Joker' (Who actually dressed as a joker) wiped out the entire plane with us on it. Out of boredom.
{1}I was running a game with three PCs: my brother, playing Redgar, Level 2 Human Fighter, Garris, Level 2 Halfling Rogue, and Rah {:D THis is of course my friend John's character} a terribly overpowered Stone Giant Barbarian.
I'm the DM.
A worg attacks the characters, and seeking to bring down the largest first attacked Rah the Giant. He jumped on his chest and started raking.
Rah: Oh crap. I rip the worg off and throw him.
Me: You...throw the worg? Dude, that's worse then grappling the troll?
Garris: {who is new to the game} Why would somebody grapple a troll? Its to big?
*We all share a laugh*
Me: Okay, Garris and Redgar, pick a number from one to twenty.
Redgar: 1
Garris: 20
Me: *Rolls D20 dice* wow...20! It hits Garris.
Garris: So, how big is it?
Me: *I read the description again, this time including the part that it says the size of a horse, and then I roll for damage* **laughs laughs** Whoa...laughs**
Garris: Whats so funny?
Me: Rah rips the Worg off of his chest and throws it in a random direction, which turns out to be right at you, Garris. It flys into you, and you all hear a squeal {From Garris}, and then there's no movement.
The throw killed both the halfling and the worg. All of us were laughing except for the halfling's player.
{2} We were playing a level 12 game, and all the PCs were looking down at Menzoberranzen from a higher peak in the mushroom forest. The PCs were: Axel, a drow arcane archer, Redgar, a human fighter, and Human, a Lizardfolk Druid {he changed his mind to make his druid a Lizardfolk, and before that accidently put his race in the name slot, so he ended up with Human, Lizardfolk Druid. Guess who's character. I you guessed John's, you guessed right}.
I'm the DM.
DM: You guys are all sitting around a dying fire.
Redgar: I challenge Human to a game of Old Man's Bones.
Human: No, I don't want to hurt you.
Axel: I wonder what would happen if...okay I combine every single ability I have into one arrow and shoot it into Menzoberranzen.
Everybody else: **mouths gaping**
DM: {I was thinking about something I read-never say no to characters, [as long as what they did was justifiable for their character] but if they do something dumb enough, nuke 'em. Sadly, I took this literally.}
The entire cavern shakes for a second, and stalactities fall. There is a huge explosion, obliterating all of Menzoberranzen, and a mushroom cloud is rising over the place where the city uses to be. A huge shockwave shoots out where the Mushroom cloud is rising, and shoot towards you. You're all going to be disintagrated in five seconds. Any last words?
Redgar: BRING IT!
Human: Were gonna need a bigger boat...
Axel: Oops....
BOOM.
{3} We were all playing Star Wars Saga Edition, except Axel's player wasn't there. Redgar was playing a Botha Jedi named Botswan, and Human was playing a Human Soldier named John. Yes, it was John.
I was the GM.
They were engaged, at Midnight, in a street chase on coroscant. {They were in the ships they bought earlier that day. Street chase as in what happened in Attack of the Clones when they were chasing the little Assasin droid, so very far above the ground} They were fighting some very unfriendly gangsters, and right about now two assasins hired by the assasins were crawling all over John's ship, trying to get to him. He was rushing strait towards a brick wall, and jumped right out the window and grabbed onto a Taxi. The Assasins, nimble as they were jumped on with him. John knocked out the Taxi driver and put him in the passenger seat, then took the wheel. The Assasins were crawling all over the Taxi. He pulled a stunt and flipped upside down, one of the assasins falling to his doom, the other one stabbing a knife into the Taxi and holding on. Then he pulled out another knife and began crawling up the hood with the knives. John was tried to stop fast but just got in a Fender Bender with another ship, causing a dent and making him loose control of the wheel. The assasin was stunned, and John had just noticed the Bus ship coming strait towards the Taxi. Botswan pulled up next to the Taxi, and John jumped on just in time. The Taxi exploded into the bus, and the Assasin was no more.
About an hour later John said:
John: Oops...
Botswan: What?
John: I forgot about the Taxi driver.
We all shared a laugh.
We reach a Dwarven city, and after resupplying a bit, we move through the mountain (where else do you expect to find a Dwarven city) to another Dwarven city, in the hopes of finding a mage's guild that can do us some magic item enchanting. Along the way we go through a field and encounter one large dwarf with a warhammer, and three sniper dwarves with crossbows, the crossbow ones a good 100 feet behind the warhammer dwarf. The party took care of the warhammer one easily, but the dwarf snipers were being annoying. So I decided to do this:
Me: I make two full move actions towards the dwarves.
DM: OK, you're still 50 feet out *smug look on his face*. Ranger, its-
Me: *noticing the smug look* And I action point to move again, this time screaming large obsceneties at the dwarves.
DM:
Everyone else make's their moves, and the DM begins his attack.
DM: OK, the dwarves stand up, aim and shoot at the screaming human running towards them (ie., me). *rolls*
*lifts DM screen up, shows two nat 1's and a 4*Me: *Being a jackass and rubbing it in* Free action. As the bolts whiz by my head, I scream, "Don't f*** with the crazy human who can run 75 feet in 6 seconds!" (Note: I said 75 feet because my movement speed is 5 squares; I lose the one for wearing scale armor.)
So the group's DM session - the one where I'm a Human Fighter/Cleric, we've got a Drow Rogue/Warlock now, an Elven Ranger and a Human Wizard - met last night. And unfortunately nothing really funny happened, besides the continuing running joke of questioning the elf's gender.
We reach a Dwarven city, and after resupplying a bit, we move through the mountain (where else do you expect to find a Dwarven city) to another Dwarven city, in the hopes of finding a mage's guild that can do us some magic item enchanting. Along the way we go through a field and encounter one large dwarf with a warhammer, and three sniper dwarves with crossbows, the crossbow ones a good 100 feet behind the warhammer dwarf. The party took care of the warhammer one easily, but the dwarf snipers were being annoying. So I decided to do this:
Me: I make two full move actions towards the dwarves.
DM: OK, you're still 50 feet out *smug look on his face*. Ranger, its-
Me: *noticing the smug look* And I action point to move again, this time screaming large obsceneties at the dwarves.
DM:
Everyone else make's their moves, and the DM begins his attack.
DM: OK, the dwarves stand up, aim and shoot at the screaming human running towards them (ie., me). *rolls*
Me: *Being a jackass and rubbing it in* Free action. As the bolts whiz by my head, I scream, "Don't f*** with the crazy human who can run 75 feet in 6 seconds!" (Note: I said 75 feet because my movement speed is 5 squares; I lose the one for wearing scale armor.)
Look up the all out run action. You can add 2 to your movement speed and take some penalties. So you could have moved 7+7+7 or 105 feet in full armor. That's 105*60*60/5280 = 71 miles per hour.
It was a while ago, we were playing 3.5 (Before 4e was out, mind). The characters include the Warlock (Playing an AC-*****), myself playing a Shinobi (A class I found on the forums and got permission to use), and a DMPC - a female Bard (Who is bonded to me somewhat like marriage).
Through several rule errors, both myself and the Warlock were much stronger than we should have been. For example, the Warlock used one of the feats to give himself a bonus to AC while taking a minus to hit...but we didn't know that it only applied to normal attacks, so he ended up nearly impossible to hit while flinging Eldritch Blasts all over the place.
The first encounter was us trying to diplomatically stop an orc camp from attacking the nearby barbarian village. The orcs only respect combat prowess, so our Warlock ends up in a 1-on-1 duel with the leader of the orcs.
Orc: (Goes first and casts Magic Missile on the Warlock)
Warlock: Ok...I use my flee the scene to warp directly behind him, leaving my image behind, which reacts to hits normally.
DM: No way, you can't possibly do that...
(Some arguments later)
DM: Alright, fine. The spell used up your action to get behind him.
Orc: (Fires another Missile, Warlock's image falls to the ground)
Warlock: I grab my mace and give it a hearty swing at his skull. (Nat 20)
DM: ...If you really felt like it, you could paint a picture using the orc's brains and blood as ink, and the mace as your brush.
Warlock: :D
Later on, we had to infiltrate a warehouse to fight an aristocrat who was being an all-around bad guy. (Extortion, kidnapping, slavery, etc.) We went around to the back entrance and managed to sneak into the wine cellar (It was meant to be a secret escape route)
DM: The room is dark, with the heavy scent of wine around you. You (Warlock) can see a strange device and an orc sleeping.
Warlock: Hmm...well, I kill the sleeping orc and start examining the device.
DM: It's attached to the wall, and there's a small hemisphere on top of it with something inside. On the device is a single button.
Warlock: Check for traps (Rolls high).
DM: Nothing. It's perfectly safe.
Warlock: I press the button.
DM: You hear a loud AH-OOGA! AH-OOGA! come out of the device, and bright red lights start flashing from the thing on top of it.
Me: (Realizing what it is, I facepalm)
Warlock: What? What?
DM: You just activated the alarm system. They officially know you're here.
Luckily, our DM was kind enough and allowed us to do a time reversal back to the point where we screwed up. We broke through the warehouse, made an interesting stair trap (Several flasks of ice or something, some alchemist fire at the bottom, and a trip wire at the top). After a poor series of rolls, I ended up falling down the stairs and hitting the bottom, where I barely managed to avoid the alchemist's fire.
DM: You *barely* manage to avoid the fire. When I say barely, I mean you literally grabbed one of the flasks as you tumbled down and used it to flip onto your feet.
Me: I drink a potion of cure light wounds to heal myself, and roll a tumble check to get back up the stairs.
Warlock: (OOC) Dude, that's like a -10 for trying that.
Me: (With max ranks in Tumble and high Dex, I roll a nat 20)
DM: (Head in hands by this point) You grab the railing and, defying all laws of physics, manage to get up by doing a series of wall jumps from one side to the other.
Me: I'm not a ninja anymore, I'm Neo!
Some combat later, we're sorely outnumbered (This is before we've met the Bard, so it's basically me and the Warlock against the aristocrat's personal guard) when the Warlock devises a plan.
Warlock: (OOC) Uh...wait, these guys are normal human beings, correct?
DM: Pretty much, yeah. Obviously, they're strong enough to fight you, but yeah.
Warlock: (OOC) So they do not, in fact, speak Abyssal?
DM: ...err, no. It's not the most common of languages to speak.
Warlock: BEWARE, MORTALS! I COMMAND THE POWER OF THE DEMONS THEMSELVES! I WILL SUMMON THE DARK LORD IF YOU REFUSE TO STAND DOWN!
Me:
Warlock: (In Abyssal) BEWARE THE EVIL CAKE OF DEATH!
DM: Roll an Intimidate check.
Warlock: (Nat 20, high ranks in Intimidate)
DM: The guards drop their weapons. Two of them have emptied their bowels, and the other three are in the fetal position.
Me: *Sweatdrop and facepalm*
Near the end of our adventure (Which is failing due to both my and the Warlock's overpoweredness) we had to invade a tower a la the end of Ocarina of Time (Ganon's Tower). We manage to fight our way through the levels up to close to the last floor, when we have to fight a bunch of minions and a wizard/sorcerer in a room with a table in the middle)
DM: (Me), roll a Fort save.
Me: (Barely paying attention) Uh...12?
DM: You die.
Me: (Paying attention now) I what?
DM: Phantasmal Killer is a *****.
Amazingly, the Warlock, with some bardric help, managed to take out all the enemies including an incredible tumble check to leap onto and slide across the table in order to reach the caster and then one-shot him. I later got resurrected by the high-level priest who had ordered us to take out the master of the tower. No level loss, because nobody had expected me to actually die, and this is why:
(Long fight on the roof, including me getting Dominated by the master. We had poor rolls the entire time, including me failing the will save to break free of the hold about 4 times)
DM: You finally break free, and it's your turn.
Me: I'm ****** at the master now. I've been killed, resurrected, and now mind controlled. I've fallen down a staircase, I've had an alarm raised on me (Glares at the Warlock), and now I want revenge. I use my Ice Needle Jutsu.
(Quick note: This is essentially what I've been using the entire time as my primary attack, it summons a whole bunch of ice needles to use as weapons; however, since none of us bothered to check rules, we assume that I immediately got to throw all of them as a single attack)
DM: Ok, roll your attack.
Me: Nat 20, nat 18 to confirm.
DM: Roll damage.
Me: (Some ungodly high number)
DM:
Warlock: :OMG!
DM: (Realizing something) I don't know what to say about this. You managed to one-shot the wizard who is FOUR LEVELS HIGHER THAN YOU, yet you were killed in one hit by the caster who is three levels LOWER than you.
Needless to say, the campaign ended there. The DM explained it, too - a Planeswalker by the name of 'Joker' (Who actually dressed as a joker) wiped out the entire plane with us on it. Out of boredom.
That shinobi class was overpowered...
I was running kobold hall out of the DMG, and my party had reached the last room
DM: roll a spot check
Rouge: 28
DM: you see the dragon
Rouge: I see the WHAT?
Later, after the party (barely) managed to slay the dragon, on there way up past the few remaining kobolds, carrying the head of the slain dragons.
Kobolds: That's right! Flee the might of our draconic god!
Rouge: (takes out head and moves it's jaws up and down) were is your god now?
Kobolds:* flee*
Look up the all out run action. You can add 2 to your movement speed and take some penalties. So you could have moved 7+7+7 or 105 feet in full armor. That's 105*60*60/5280 = 71 miles per hour.
Try that calc again. It's 105*10*60/5280= approx. 12 mph. Your calc was for 105 feet in one second, not six.
What I loved was when we were playing a mix of 3.0 and 3.5 and i got a catfolk who could flat out run at 50 mph (old boots of springing and striding). He once had a fear effect placed on him by an improved invisible demon and the party had no clue what happened... till the demon appeared once my character was a good thousand or so feet away (i.e. 2 rounds).
According to the DM's ruling I ran to the nearest safe place I found... a fort. Unfortunately I was moving too fast and kicking up too much dust for the people in the fort to identify me (and I wasn't about to slow down with that thing behind me... well I thought it was behind me). So I took suddenly dropped portcullis to the face (I still think I should have at least gotten a reflex save to stop and not run into it.) But they took me in and I became a quivering ball of fur till the party caught up (since this was on the path we were traveling and I left a very identifiable impression on the portcullis it wasn't hard to find me).
Kobolds: That's right! Flee the might of our draconic god!
Rouge: (takes out head and moves it's jaws up and down) were is your god now?
Kobolds:* flee*
stupid kobolds, should of worshiped a draconic deity, instead of a dragon.
Kaldair, I can say that can only be improved with a tauric cheetah or a where-cheetah.
because once an hour you can move ten times speed in an hour.
but only as part of a charge.
ten times speed.
DM (to me): It's like Saturday night entertainment!
Later we saw some buildings on fire.
Me: Wait, I have fire resistance. I go in one of the buildings to see if there is anything that has survived.
DM: Make a Search check.
Me: Uh, 16.
DM: You find a large shield that seems untouched. Now make a Reflex save. You may be fire resistant but your clothes aren't.
Me: OK. (rolls)
11DM: Your cloak's burnt up. Now make another Reflex save for your tunic.
Me: (rolls)
18!DM: Now all the men can groan!
I've been keeping quotes for some time, mostly for memory's sake, but I guess it never hurt to share :D
Several here, so I'll separate them by campaign.
"Bitter Waters" - a pirate campaign in every sense of the words. Sadly it didn't get very far... DM ended up getting burnt out and there were two other campaigns going on at the same time.
PARTY:
Morgan MacGhille-Dhuibh - Human Warlock
Zachariah Silver - Human Dragonfire Adept
Maiarla "Maia" Oleacanth - Aventi Druid (Me)
Kozuko the Flatulent - Human Ninja (I KID YOU NOT)
Slate McGillis - Human Rogue
Gwendolyn "Gwen" - Human Swashbuckler/Rogue
"The best way to gather information is to ask a guard." - Zachariah
"The guard ignores you." - DM
[Poor guy had ZERO luck. Zach's player is that guy who is in nearly every gaming group at least for a while, who NEVER plays Non-Good characters. Decided to play "Mr. Nice Guy" and the campaign started in a Tortuga-style port town.]
"I think I know him [Zachariah]... I think I shot him in the ass." - Slate
"Was it intentional, or did you miss?" - Maia
[In the tavern, when Zach finally gets into town. Slate, Maia, and Kozuko have already met up and are sharing drinks. (Town's full of human supremacists, so Maia's disguised as a human.) Much laughing at Zach's expense.]
"Enough using my knight's dice. They're too honorable." - DM
[Why the person playing the LN Knight in one campaign has problems DMing for roguish types in another. :P]
"You hear a voice... your mother's voice... calling for help." - DM
"BELLLLLLLLLCH!!" - Morgan/OOC
"And then she starts scolding you for your bad manners." - DM
[Dream sequence + baaaaaad OOC timing.]
"I knock politely." - Kozuko
"Is that like shooting politely?" - Maia/OOC
[I couldn't resist. To help it make more sense, he's knocking on the door of the Ship's Mage's quarters, and she's known for being... err... antisocial.]
"He might as well put himself up there in a clown suit and yell 'Hey there Ogres! Come on over here, we'd bloody like to talk to you!'" - Kozuko
[On an island populated by ogres and hags, Morgan decides to use Fell Flight to scout out the whole place. The rest of us were trying to sneak up on the bastards.]
"See this club? When I hold up this club up and it matches the dent in your head, we know that's what hit you." - Slate to Kozuko
[After the ogre fight, nearly the party's first casualty... sadly also the ending to our last session in that game.]
"The Eclipse" - a group of spies and elite warriors from one dimension portal into another to prepare for a takeover. Another campaign that only lasted a few sessions, and one of our very few Evil campaigns. Surprisingly, was DMed by the same player as Zachariah from Bitter Waters... the main reason it probably died.
PARTY:
Raina (Ridathali) - NE Human Barbarian [aiming for Frenzied Berserker] (DM from BW)
Malak "The Whispered Doom" - CE Human Soulknife (Kozuko from BW)
Sylar Nakamuro - LE Human Binder (Slate from BW)
Isaac dar Obscuras - NE Human Sorcerer [aiming for Force Missile Mage and Argent Savant] (me)
"While I have no problem with heedless killing, we do not slit the throat of the people paying us until AFTER they pay us." - Isaac to Malak, on murdering the Seer
[Malak was everything that could possibly be wrong with a person all at once. Homicidal, cannibal, impatient, impertinent, unfocused, the list goes on and on. The Seer was a spellcaster who hired us to take care of some monsters known as The Gryn... Malak wanted to kill her on the spot once the deal was done. The rest of us at least wanted to get paid first.]
"He's in charge, right? What happens if he dies?" - Raina, of Sylar
"That's probably bad, 'cause, you know...." - Isaac
"Yeah, chain of command thing and all. Eh, I'm getting field promoted." - Raina
"Don't die." - Isaac
[Malak decided to challenge Sylar for party leadership, something Sylar had started with as a noble from our world. Commentary of the bystanders.]
"Please don't let her rage. Please don't let her rage. Sweet merciful unholy Tharizdun in Hell please don't let her rage." - Isaac, on Raina fighting Sylar
[I don't remember what happened to initiate this fight - I think it was just Raina getting bored - but this was pretty much Isaac's line for whenever things went wrong.]
"One day I will have birdy pot pie." - Raina, regarding Isaac's owl
[First it was Malak biting the heads off of Sylar's ravens (summoned via Malphas) then continued into threats towards Isaac's familiar. This party hated birds apparently.]
"You do realize that if you don't feed me, I'm just going to be hungrier when I get to town." - Malak, regarding cannibalism and chewing off birds' heads
[See above]
"I have plan for when we reach village. What we need to do is combine our skills. I am good at killing people. You are good at making jerky." - Malak
"Bring me the meat, I don't care where it comes from." - Raina
"We'll make a killing! We'll sell the villagers back to the villagers!" - Malak
"Sadly, I have to say I like this plan." - Isaac
"I'm going to enjoy your deaths." - DM
[No explanation needed, really....
]"Skies of..." - This was a bit of confusion that only lasted two sessions. Same DM as Eclipse, and we were informed in advance that we were going to play a pirate campaign, with airships rather than sea voyages. Things didn't turn out that way, with the DM not liking evil or leaning-evil campaigns, so it sort of fell apart.
PARTY:
Dr. Viktor Faust - LN Human Dread Necromancer (And party healer! Wrap your mind around THAT!)
Lorelei Faust - CN Human Warlock (me)
Aszimar Frypan - TN Human Totemist (Slate from BW)
Xavier - CN Gnome Warmage
Faelyn Morghanna - TN Human Shadowcaster (DM from BW)
"My sister is a warlock and I still think you're f***ing nuts." - Viktor to Aszimar
[First session, Aszimar shows up with Girallon Arms. And he's supposed to be the ship's cook. WTF!?]
"We don't want you dead, we just want you to work for it." - Lorelei
"Speak for yourself, I'm short on corpses." - Viktor
[I forget, but it's funny on its own]
"And she's (Faelyn) throwing him (Xavier) overboard." - Lorelei
"Of course, it's too small, she had to throw it back." - Viktor
[Faelyn being first mate, the captain sent her to retrieve Xavier from his dying airship-equivalent-of-a-rowboat. The return trip was less than well-planned.]
"He's like a little terrorist!" - Aszimar, describing Xavier
[He blew EVERYTHING up!!]
"Delightful. Reminds me of the morgue back home." - Viktor
"Here's where you sleep." - Faelyn
"Isn't that what I said?" - Viktor
[Necromancers are odd.]
"Hmm, the amazing flying captain." - Lorelei
"Is he Dutch?" - Viktor
[Captain had boots of levitation. Useful in an airship campaign.]
"I don't like high-pitched noises, so feel free to faint now." - Viktor to Xavier
[Gnomes apparently squeal.]
"Can we go back to the part where the big guy gets outwitted by the 90-pound gnome? Cause that's never gonna get old." - Lorelei/OOC
[Gratuitous Serenity quote on Xavier outmaneuvering Aszimar despite the latter having an extra pair of limbs...]
"I warned you she could kill anything." - Viktor to Faelyn, after Lorelei kills the engine
[Later...]
"We can't afford a decent ship... but we've got a nuke! It's like putting one of the US's top nuclear missiles on a...." - Faelyn/OOC
"A tugboat?" - Lorelei/OOC
[My job on the ship was Mechanic. After a battle with a swarm of gigantic bees, we suddenly began to sputter. Turns out, we were out of fuel. Searching for something to work in the meanwhile she found a large crystal orb that, with a successful check, the DM said could be used for an emergency fuel source. Turns out it was some sort of magical cannonball and it fueled the engine by overdriving it. We were stuck in port after that for a while and the campaign died before we even got near repairing things.]
"If I find out that you have damaged anything of mine, something of mine is missing or tampered with...." - Viktor
"You're gonna do what, stick out your tongue and make me feel all neener-neener-woozy-scared inside?" - Xavier
[Moments later...]
"Can't sleep, the doctor will get me...." - Xavier
[Fear the Necromancer. Literally.]
"I start blinking around the ship." - Aszimar
"You appear just as she's (Faelyn) changing." - DM
"I DARK THE ROOM!!" - Faelyn
[Incarnum had just come out and Asz's player was the first to try it. So much of the campaign was him just playing around. Here, our first use of the Blink Dog meld. And a DM with a slightly pervy sense of humor.]
"Then who drugged me and tied me up and...?" - Xavier
"The answer to number one is you, yourself, and the artist formerly known as Xavier. The answer to number two is The Man With Far Too Many Arms." - Viktor
[Taking personal responsibility for not opening doors to let out fumes. And more picking on Asz.]
"We don't have cold cuts. We have Spam." - Faelyn
"Wow. I would rather animate that than eat it." - Viktor
[Xavier was used to a higher standard of living, apparently.]
"You're the reason I can justify buying poison and charging it to the ship." - Viktor/OOC, to Xavier
[Creeeeepy doctor... :D]
And lastly, a requisite quote from our first 4E session:
"10. I miss." - Mordred (Eladrin Wizard, Slate from BW)/OOC
"That marks the first time Magic Missile has missed in over two decades. Welcome to 4th Edition." - Andro (Half-Elf Warlord, Viktor from Skies)/OOC
"You missed? How in the hells did you miss?" - Zurile (Elf Rogue, me)
"The darkness moved." - Mordred
"The darkness had concealment." - Andro
We couldn't resist. :D
One of the first things we had to do was meet with some king for some reason (I don't really remember, it was a long time ago). So, naturally, the guard at the front gate asks us to surrender our weapons.
P1: (Fighter) I pull out my sword from its sheathe and hand it over.
P2: (Barbarian with low Int) I narrow my eyes at the guard and very hesitantly hand it over.
P3: (Rogue) I hand over several daggers, two swords, a crossbow and bolts, and my entire pack of shuriken, which numbers about 50.
DM:
Ooookaaaay...Wizard?Me: You wouldn't separate an old man from his walking stick, would you?
DM: (Very slowly tilts his head and stares at me)
I got off easy there. My 'weapon' is technically a Quarterstaff, but being a Wizard (And an old one at that), I use magic as my primary weapon. I put in the staff almost as a joke so I could actually use it as a walking staff.
One of our later encounters starts off with us in a graveyard, fighting off a couple of undead. The way we're set up, I'm basically sitting behind the lines pinging people with the few Magic Missiles I have prepared for the day. Finally, my character (As do I) gets sick of the battle and the following exchange takes place:
P1: Alright, I dish out (X) damage to the one in front of me.
DM: Still up. (Wizard), your turn.
Me: I cast Ma- you know what, screw this. I cast Burning Hands.
P1: (OOC) Wait, what? Isn't that a cone-shaped burst?
P2: (OOC) Yeah, why are you casting a cone attack when everybody's nearby?
P3: (OOC) Personally, I don't care. Please, feel free. (High Reflex + Evasion)
P1: (OOC) No way!
Me: I'm a-casting!
DM: Everyone, roll Reflex.
(Everyone rolls, Rogue is the only one to make it)
DM: Alright. The two of you (Fighter and other) take full damage from the Wizard's sudden attack against you. The Rogue, with his spidey-senses, sees the attack coming and does a backflip several feet into the air to dodge it. The undead drop, but the Wizard is now facing some very angry friends.
Me:
In a one-shot campaign, I was playing a higher level Sorcerer who likes to abuse AoE fire magic. Our goal was to deal with the master of a mini-fortress who had some prisoners, but the main point is that the fortress itself was surrounded by a wooden wall with several watchtowers set up around it. Well, while the group was discussing strategy on how to get in without dying, I devised a plan...(Keep in mind, I'm still playing a low Wisdom Chaotic Neutral character)
P1: (Drunk Monk) I think the best idea is to charge in there, fists a-blazing..
P2: (Fighter) I don't think so, we need a plan. There could be a lot more people than we think.
Me: (OOC) Uh...you said the wall around the base was wooden, right?
P1: (Not paying attention to me) How about we pretend to be a caravan and try to use the old Trojan Horse method?
DM: Yeah, the wall is made of wood.
Me: Ok...I cast a maximized Fireball at one portion of the wall.
DM: (P1 + P2) Both of you roll spot checks.
P1 + P2: (Confused, have not been paying attention to me because it had been my earlier days of D&D when I didn't roleplay much) Ok...
DM: You manage to catch a glimpse of a fire starting up near the fortress. A really big fire. Within seconds, the entire wall has started on fire. You hear screaming as the archers in the towers are roasted, unable to escape their towers in time. You also look around and see that (Wizard)'s hands are glowing slightly, possibly from casting some sort of spell.
P1:
Did you...just...?Me: Problem solved.
Just one more for now. In another campaign, the DM is playing another high level evil campaign to sort of send off 3.5 once and for all (Started a few weeks prior to 4e). Basically, we're evil overlords (Taken from the game Overlord) and we're a LOT higher level than the surrounding villagers. Since we're only doing this one once, the three of us are oppressive bastards who find joy in slaughtering innocents. (Oh the joy we had...)
I was either a Warmage or a Sorcerer, one of the two. I don't remember at this point, but it doesn't matter; point is, I'm a caster who (ab)uses fire magic. I'm actually playing a decent character for once, though still Chaotic Evil for campaign purposes. Sadly, we didn't get to do much in it other than this memorable scene.
We were riding into a village on black horses, wearing black cloaks, and our intent is to destroy everything and slaughter everyone.
NPC: (Sees the three of us ride up, fairly clueless) Hey! Are you here to help free us from the three overlords who always...wear...black cloaks...and (Starts sobbing)
Me: I grab him by the neck and use magic to try and ignite him.
DM: (Relevant rolls) You're not holding a man anymore. He's a pile of dust.
**
After we wipe out the guards and a couple of level 1 adventurers (Which one of the characters killed by teleporting into the locked inn that I subsequently set on fire), all that's left is a couple of buildings, some peasants, and a single priest (Who happens to have a couple of Cleric levels, though we didn't know that)
**
P1: (It's my turn; P1 + P2 are discussing what I should do) If you drop a fireball right here...(Points to map) you should be able to burn down all of these huts.
P2: (OOC) But the peasants are fleeing, he should kill them first.
Me: I put my hand on the priest's shoulder and say the following:
"Good kind sir, I will be merciful on you this one time. However, there is a catch; you must allow me to partake in an experiment. Don't worry, this will not harm any of your fellow men."
DM: (Amused) The priest slowly nods.
Me: I cast (Spell that does a burst outwards from myself of fire damage, forgot what it was called) for (X) damage.
DM: He's still up, but looking hurt.
P1: :whatsthis So, what did you learn from this 'experiment', oh great fire mage?
Me: Priests aren't flammable.
Cid Reever (Doppleganger Rouge): (OoC) "That's why I like D&D, you can vomit in a flask, then use it as a weapon."
There was then a young red dragon that the party met up with, after trying a long time to dismantle a trap, the dragon from the other side of the trap "dismantles" the trap on his own with his breath weapon. The ranger of the party asked why he hadn't done that sooner.
Dragon: I AM an evil dragon, I did this because it benifited me, not the whole.
Ranger: Well, you know, we could have told you that the trap was fixed and then you could have gotten hit by the blades.
Dragon: And I could have eaten you when I met you 5 minutes ago.
Ranger: Touche Dragon.
We laughed for a while.
Kobolds: That's right! Flee the might of our draconic god!
Rouge: (takes out head and moves it's jaws up and down) were is your god now?
Kobolds:* flee*
"They Killed an Elite! RUN!!"
Rogue (Looks over the edge and nods then begins pushing the desk) : Hey Bard! Catch!
DM: The 750 pound desk plumets to the ground and crushes our good friend devon (PC bard)
Rogue: (Whistles) Dam...I thought that would do sub duel damage
Me: Alright, I really don't want to be horrendously murdered by a God today.
Fighter: Agreed
*Both of us head for the portal out*
Rogue: I pull out my crossbow and attack Lolth
*Stunned looks*
DM: Ok, roll
*Rolls a Nat 20*
*Rolls a Nat 20 to confirm crit*-By our rules, you can check to confirm intsa-kill when you roll a Nat 20 on a confirm crit roll.
*Rolls a 14 (adjacent to 20 on a d20)
DM: Your bolt flies and hits Lolth in a seemingly vital area. Damage Reduction of a god reduces the damage to 1.
It took about 10 minutes to restore order to that one. We couldn't believe how close we came to slaying a God.
Finally, he gets the brilliant idea to - brace for it - MIX THE POTIONS.
There is an earthquake, then suddenly this gigantic crystal creature appears in front of him, looking something like this:
Said creature can fire rays that mimic the effects of the two potions from its claws and has DR, resistances, and Regen trumped only by the Tarrasque. The party flails at it for a while, but it eventually gets bored of knocking the flimsy PCs around and flies off.
Boris and Duncan the Hellfire Warlock decide the best solution is to kill him, as his alchemy "is now a threat to the entire Material Plane, thankyouverymuch". Sam's only excuse is "I wanted to see what would happen". The whole thing gets solved, though, by Boccob's avatar showing up and smacking Sam over the head, revoking him into a 10th-level Commoner for about two weeks. (When Boccob gave him his powers back later, I made him remove all his Alchemy ranks and put them elsewhere, then removed the skill from his list. Not his Class Skills List, but rather his list of skills on his character sheet.)
Duncan, resident Knowledge junkie, immediately quips, "You have to
up on a galactic scale to get a problem you caused PERSONALLY dealt with by the Greater Deity best known as The Uncaring!"TDuncan, resident Knowledge junkie, immediately quips, "You have to
At least it wasn't Chronepsis, the likewise described Draconic deity of fate.
then it would be inter-planar scale.
a few levels later: ...The whole thing gets solved, though, by Chronepsis's avatar showing up...
*debates having it pop up in the future they're in... then sets it aside to deal with later*
Try that calc again. It's 105*10*60/5280= approx. 12 mph. Your calc was for 105 feet in one second, not six.
What I loved was when we were playing a mix of 3.0 and 3.5 and i got a catfolk who could flat out run at 50 mph (old boots of springing and striding). He once had a fear effect placed on him by an improved invisible demon and the party had no clue what happened... till the demon appeared once my character was a good thousand or so feet away (i.e. 2 rounds).
According to the DM's ruling I ran to the nearest safe place I found... a fort. Unfortunately I was moving too fast and kicking up too much dust for the people in the fort to identify me (and I wasn't about to slow down with that thing behind me... well I thought it was behind me). So I took suddenly dropped portcullis to the face (I still think I should have at least gotten a reflex save to stop and not run into it.) But they took me in and I became a quivering ball of fur till the party caught up (since this was on the path we were traveling and I left a very identifiable impression on the portcullis it wasn't hard to find me).
Thanks for the correction - looks like someone needs to stop going to sleep at 3 am and getting up for work. Hehe.
"They Killed an Elite! RUN!!"
ROTFLMAO! Those of you that have been to my 1001 thread know this story:
I was DMing an Ebberron campaign with a sacrifice-obsessed changeling rouge/cleric of the fury, and a Karnathi psychic warrior named Harrow. We were being paid to explore X'endrix, and one of our main enimies was this Inspired that we'd never actually met in person (we still haven't). The party was bedding down for the night in the middle of the jungle:
rouge/cleric:I hope we find that Inspired jackass soon.
Harrow:Yeah. (brief pause) The Inspired Can Dere-lick my balls.
Me: (ROTFLing) What!? Did your character actually say that?
Harrow: (OOC) Um, yeah.
R/C: (OOC) I wonder how that came up.
Harrow: (OOC) Um, you probably said something about derelicts earlier.
Ordinarily, I would've smote the bastards then and there, but I was tired and that was pretty amusing.
In the attic, our rouge finds a book full of poems.
Rouge: Hey, listen to this one.
Blood is red,
The ocean is blue,
Explosives Runes go BOOM!
After the dust clears, the party begins cleaning.
Rouge: This is why I hate evocative poetry!
During a fight with a forgotten and berserk golem, the barbarian was knocked through a wall.
Barbarian:(crashing through window) Dramatic Entrance #37!
Warlock: GUYS! I TOTALLY FIGURED IT OUT! ok, see, shes from this place, and she came here, for a reason, to do something!
several hours of laughter followed.
While we were fighting the dwarves, the rogue was doing his long-range striking by throwing daggers via Sly Flourishing. Well, it just so happens that one of the daggers is a Flameburst Dagger (crit hit causes an extra xd10 fire damage in a close burst 1 area, where x equals the enhancement level of the weapon) and he crits. Well, the dwarf he crits on is one that me (the human Fighter) is standing in front of.
DM: So you see this flaming dagger whiz by your head, hit the dwarf in the chest, exploding gloriously - both the fire and the dwarf - in a ball of flames, which proceed to hit you. *rolls* Take 10 fire damage.
Me: (to Rogue) Stop throwing exploding daggers next to my head! One of these days you're going to miss and hit ME instead!
Rogue: But I never miss!
What's sad is that, throughout the course of 6 sessions, he has only missed a total of 3 times, so the DM didn't have the Rogue roll a bluff check. But my reply to him was this:
Me (to the Rogue): Next time you use that exploding dagger when I'm in the way, I'm taking that thing and shoving it up your ass!
"I have plan for when we reach village. What we need to do is combine our skills. I am good at killing people. You are good at making jerky." - Malak
"Bring me the meat, I don't care where it comes from." - Raina
"We'll make a killing! We'll sell the villagers back to the villagers!" - Malak
"Sadly, I have to say I like this plan." - Isaac
"I'm going to enjoy your deaths." - DM
Hope you don't mind
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DM: You can hear dwarves - like thousands of them - talking behind the doors to this LARGE hall.
Me: Is the door locked?
DM: No...
Me: I gently try to open it and sneak into the back.
DM: Well, as the doors open, they MAGICALLY echo outwards, causing the entire room to go silent and look at you. A dwarf guard steps in front of you, a really big greataxe in his hand. *As the dwarf guard* Something I can help you with human?
Me: Just curious.
DM *as the dwarf*: Curiosity killed the cat.
Me: As you can see, I'm not a cat.
DM *as the dwarf*: Obviously, the cat's smarter than you.
After some other stuff, just as the session reaches its abrupt end, the DM spills one final bit of information.
DM *as a bloodied messenger dwarf*: The walls have been breeched!
Me (OOC): We're boned.
DM *as head dwarf council member*: How?
DM *again, as the bloodied messenger dwarf*: Dragons.
Everyone (OOC): We're boned.
Note: We're all level 4.
(When Boccob gave him his powers back later, I made him remove all his Alchemy ranks and put them elsewhere, then removed the skill from his list. Not his Class Skills List, but rather his list of skills on his character sheet.)
Wait, so wouldn't him having no ranks in alchemy make things worse?
Sure he doesn't have the skill, but that doesn't mean he can't pour the purple stuff onto the ochre jelly to see what happens :D.
Ed white - Tony - Prospector who has a rifle and dynamite
James - Mike - Law enforcement who spec in pistols
Edward Kane - Me - Ex Military, spec in rifles and horses
The james Ed gang!
spoilered for size
Show
So we started off with a good old bandit try to take the train thing, we didnt know each other, mike and tony were in the middle, and i was in the back. 2 guys come in the front, 1 guy in the back. So i slowly pull my rifle out of the bag on the floor without anyone seeing (good slight of hand check), Mike draws his pistol slowly, and tony lights his cigar and draws a stick of dynamite ... mike and myself shoot at roughly the same time (mike standing up and shooting one of the guys infront and myself shooting the guy right infront of me without standing up (cuzz its cool to sit in a bench shooting people with a rifle :P). Tony .... lights his stick of dynamite ...
next round i drop the guy infront, mike shoots his guy and misses and gets shot, tony tosses the dynamite to the back of the car ... where im sitting (im like ... aww crap ...) so i dodge over, pick it up smash the side car window and toss it out (rolling high and tossed it far enough from the train), a couple of rounds later ... he lights another stick ... this time he drops it just outside the car, we kill the 2 bandits and we hear the stick go off, looking outside the caboose has a hole in the side and someone is laying behind the train :S
A little bit later, we are clearing out the cars behind us ( we were about the middle), i was going on the roof of freight cars with them 2 going through inside, the last car was a mail car (right before the caboose).
so im going up top, they give me 15 seconds to cross the top, i look over at the edge and theres a guy there, so i get the great idea to swing down and knock him off the side, i roll pretty good and knock him off, but he manages to grab on the side (20 on reflex :S), mike and tony open the door and start a gun battle with 3 guys inside, (tony is using a pistol he picked up + rifle), i try to shoot the guy who i knocked over (missing twice is 2 rounds horrid rolling :S), he manages to get up and we start punching and hitting with the gun, i hit him a couple of times and knocked him off again, finally shooting him (after missing a couple of times) and killing him, while my battle is going on, they are shooting up the inside of the car ... tony again got the bright idea of using dynamite ....
one thing is ... theres a 300 - 1000 pound safe inside ... he tossed the tnt, rolled low and the tnt landed on their side of the safe, he ran in, cooked it for 1 round (15 second fuse), then tossed it on the other side where the bad guys were hiding, then it exploded, right beside the safe, and the car, being made out of wood had a big hole in it ... the safe fell through to the track below and well ... speeding train + big safe = disaster ... anyway i just finish off my guy and then i hear a boom and half a second later im flying through the air (a good reflex save later) i grab on the railing on the top part of the car and swing through the door, barely missing the hole and book it outa there as the train car is disintagrating, mike just disengages the car from the rest of the train before it derails and ya .. the caboose ... sucks to be anyone in there ...
thats twice he just about killed me with tnt ... i threatened to take it away from him, luckily when we took the front part he only brought 1 stick out of his 20 left ... and didnt use it ... although the boss was hiding behind the conductor who was tied up unconcious .. and we both shot and rolled low and hit the conductor before the boss could say anything :P
and at the end .. we got horses from 2 bandits who were riding to pick up their comrads (i can now shine! :P)
So we started off with a good old bandit try to take the train thing, we didnt know each other, mike and tony were in the middle, and i was in the back. 2 guys come in the front, 1 guy in the back. So i slowly pull my rifle out of the bag on the floor without anyone seeing (good slight of hand check), Mike draws his pistol slowly, and tony lights his cigar and draws a stick of dynamite ... mike and myself shoot at roughly the same time (mike standing up and shooting one of the guys infront and myself shooting the guy right infront of me without standing up (cuzz its cool to sit in a bench shooting people with a rifle :P). Tony .... lights his stick of dynamite ...
next round i drop the guy infront, mike shoots his guy and misses and gets shot, tony tosses the dynamite to the back of the car ... where im sitting (im like ... aww crap ...) so i dodge over, pick it up smash the side car window and toss it out (rolling high and tossed it far enough from the train), a couple of rounds later ... he lights another stick ... this time he drops it just outside the car, we kill the 2 bandits and we hear the stick go off, looking outside the caboose has a hole in the side and someone is laying behind the train :S
A little bit later, we are clearing out the cars behind us ( we were about the middle), i was going on the roof of freight cars with them 2 going through inside, the last car was a mail car (right before the caboose).
so im going up top, they give me 15 seconds to cross the top, i look over at the edge and theres a guy there, so i get the great idea to swing down and knock him off the side, i roll pretty good and knock him off, but he manages to grab on the side (20 on reflex :S), mike and tony open the door and start a gun battle with 3 guys inside, (tony is using a pistol he picked up + rifle), i try to shoot the guy who i knocked over (missing twice is 2 rounds horrid rolling :S), he manages to get up and we start punching and hitting with the gun, i hit him a couple of times and knocked him off again, finally shooting him (after missing a couple of times) and killing him, while my battle is going on, they are shooting up the inside of the car ... tony again got the bright idea of using dynamite ....
one thing is ... theres a 300 - 1000 pound safe inside ... he tossed the tnt, rolled low and the tnt landed on their side of the safe, he ran in, cooked it for 1 round (15 second fuse), then tossed it on the other side where the bad guys were hiding, then it exploded, right beside the safe, and the car, being made out of wood had a big hole in it ... the safe fell through to the track below and well ... speeding train + big safe = disaster ... anyway i just finish off my guy and then i hear a boom and half a second later im flying through the air (a good reflex save later) i grab on the railing on the top part of the car and swing through the door, barely missing the hole and book it outa there as the train car is disintagrating, mike just disengages the car from the rest of the train before it derails and ya .. the caboose ... sucks to be anyone in there ...
thats twice he just about killed me with tnt ... i threatened to take it away from him, luckily when we took the front part he only brought 1 stick out of his 20 left ... and didnt use it ... although the boss was hiding behind the conductor who was tied up unconcious .. and we both shot and rolled low and hit the conductor before the boss could say anything :P
and at the end .. we got horses from 2 bandits who were riding to pick up their comrads (i can now shine! :P)
A friend (DM and a LG cleric dwarf) and I (a NG human rogue) where playing a short adventure in which we had already saved the son of a noble from a band of kobolds. The noble had a banquet in our honor with most of the town in it's mansion... needless to say I slip out of the banquet and get into the house's library and start filling my pockets with all I could (I had low str, so I could only lift like 90 pounds) and then the cleric (low int but high str) enters while searching for the batroom and sees me:
Me:
Cleric: WHATCHA DOIN'?!
Me: ... nothing... reading... :whatsthis
Cleric: THIEF! YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED!
Me: ...*Bluff roll... 18! +8 ranks* why? I'm helping them! the reason they got their son stolen was that they have a lot of stuff, isn't it?
Cleric: ... *low roll*
well... indeed, it was a reason but--Me: --so if we take this from them there's not going to be more kidnapping in a long while!
2 rounds more and the cleric was my personal moving backpack.
Other adventure where 4 characters (dwarf fighter with 8 int, a ranger, a wizard and a rogue) mine included (rogue) where fighting some kind of bugs, after some rounds, lost hit points, spent arrows and spells:
Me: I shot a bolt at the last one! *8 damage*
DM: It explodes... you know, they where baby bugs... you could like step on 'em or something and they would die!... okay then, moving on...
*ROAR*
Figther: what do we see?
DM: 'kay, you see a really big bug, it appears to be the mother of the little ones you killed.
Ranger: big like a rat?
DM: more like a bull.
Me: it's a beetlaurus!
DM:
wha?... no, it--Fighter: I go and step on the beetlaurus. :fight!:
DM:
wha- why?... dude!... okay roll.Fighter: *19* *6 damage* Is it dead yet?
DM: ... I don't know how, you step on the bug of the size of a bull--
Me: It's called a beetlaurus, you know...
DM:
... you step on the beetlaurus and break one of it's legs...from there on, every time he said something was big we asked if big as a dog or more like a beetlaurus. :D
Rogue: Okay, guys, be respectful and remember: she's touchy about her size and her sisters.
*the party enters Madam Eva's tent, but before I can begin to describe it...*
Warlock:
!! Are your sisters that fat too?The Fighter, the fighter/rogue and the bard in a discussion (bit OOC):
Fighter on the incredible jump and tumble skills of the fighter/rogue:
"He has a Matrix-mode"
On her own whirlwind-attack:
"I have a blender mode"[/i]
The bard:
"And I have Depeche Mode"
Really amazing! :D :D
ok mine!
We enter a room in dungeon:
DM: There is a room which the walls are full of chains. What do you do?
PC: I free the walls!
:P
The halfling has been the brunt of many jokes in the group, and had a bad experience when scouting ahead and running into a group of kobolds, which lead to these lines:
Wizard: I say we take the cleric's staff, and some rope, tie it to the halfling and go fishing for kobolds
Earlier in the session:
Halfling: Oh sure, let's barbacue the short guy! Set me on fire, and I'm liable to leave you hogtied in a cave of angry Kobolds!
Fighter: As far as the kobolds are concerned, I don't remember you being in any state to do anything but bleed to death, Short-Round.
I got a kunai in the face. "That didn't work."
Our ranger (same group, different campaign) was obviously not unaligned.
"You saw those children attack me! I defended myself!"
I (as a halfling rogue, not in my DM capacity) replied with "They were hugging your leg."
"Grappling me, I say!"
Our wizard in our 4.0 group is a rather underclad female eladrin, so a bit of staring ensued.
"My eyes are up here," she says.
"My eyes are down there," I replied as the rogue.
My group also had a poisonbreath dragonborn. He used my breath weapon on me, the rogue. I reeled and said "Good gods! There's this thing called oral hygiene!"
"I swear to gods I did not steal your gold." This was when I had a sack of gold obviously right behind me.
Me: "Oh, just because I'm not trained in Stealth or Thievery, I'm a bad rogue?"
Kal the wizard, Jarthal the warlord and Tahlavel the ranger: "YES!"
Me (DM): "Okay, Steven. Aim that magic missile."
Steven (who plays Kal the wizard): "20."
Me: "The silvery bolt of force streaks toward the kobold and lodges itself in the lizard thing's nose."
So the kender rolls to steel from the monk. Does brilliantly. He steals a trap. He then plants the trap behind the monk.
Monk: "What're you doing?"
Kender: "Nothin'... don't step back though."
Monk to DM: "I kick back at him."
DM: "Ok... you triggered the trap. 12 damage."
Monk: "You little-!"
Proceeds to chase the other player around the entire house. Very funny.
Or when we were rescuing a terrified, traumatised woman from a hell plane everyone decided our charismatic leader should talk to her. So he jogs up to her (sword in hand) and essentially yells in her face "We're not here to help!"
Queue terrified woman running away. And then he said it again! Completely by accident but hilarious.
We were playing another time and the DM says "Ok, you have your weapons out. Oh and they can look who you want." Player: "Can mine look like an uzi?"
13th level rogue: I listen at the door. What do I hear?
DM (meaning to say he heard nothing): You hear dust.
Fighter character: You hear DUST?? Man, you're good!
After that, the rogue had the reputation as "the man who can hear dust." The DM actually used that a couple of times in his favor on high check results.
Through out the campaign we were chasing and evil wizard who had stolen so ancient library from us that we were about acquire. Well we finally track the S.o.B. down to some distant plane that he basically created and the 6 of us start are attack. It was us vs. the Wizard, a dragon and a couple of golems. Well the fight starts to go horribly wrong (i think 2 of us were down). So when it comes to the sorcerer's turn not thinking clearly or remember she was wearing a ring of wishes (which ironically only had 1 wish left on it) Says "I wish we all were back in town". So then poof the party, the dragon, the remaining golem, and the evil wizard appeared in the town we started off in. After that the wizard in the group some how manages to charm the dragon but in the process gets droped to neg HP. So the dragon wanting to protect his new master picks up our friend and flies off with him.
I cant remember to much after that but we mostly spent the rest of the night laughing our a$$es off and getting drunk.
We are near the end of the session, with about an hour to go, when we all encounter a dragon. Not a full-grown one, thank god, but a baby dragon. At this moment in time, myself (human Fighter) and a friend (elf Ranger) are closest to the dragon.
DM: Ranger, its your turn.
Ranger: I back the f*** away from the dragon and use Twin Strike.
Me: Wait, do I see him back away?
DM: Yes.
ME : *sees Ranger backing away, looks up at the dragon* I~'m boned.
Afterwards, we succeed in defeating the dragon. After we all heal back up, we are discussing why we arrived to this point.
DM: The tracks lead to the camp, where you all just fought the dragon.
Rogue: *looks at me* Well, we have a rock we can throw into the lake...
Wizard: Not to mention there's usually a dragon's horde somewhere near here...
Me: Why do you wanna throw the dragon's carcass into the lake?
After some laughs, everyone's talking about throwing me into the lake. Finally, I get fed up.
Me: I start taking off all of my armor and grab a sunrod.
DM: Ok...
Me: I look at everyone, say, "She better be down here," put the sunrod in my mouth and dive into the lake. *rolls, nat 20*
DM: You see him do a triple backflip and get perfect 10's from the judges.
Me: even the French judge?
DM: Including the French judge.
I swim down easily and reach a cave, where the dragon's horde is at.
DM: You see a large pile of gold in front of you, with a few chests near it.
Me: How large arew e talking here? 3 feet tall, 4 feet tall, 10 feet wide...
DM: *laughs* About 4 feet tall, 10 feet wide.
Me: Whelp, there goes my money issues.
While in the cave, I see it lead off down a path.
Me: Are there any weapons or armor in the cave?
DM: You see a pair of greaves on the pile.
Wizard (OOC): Oh dear god don't-
Me: I put the greaves on.
Wizard (OOC): I'm gonna kill you! What have I told you before about new items!
Me (OOC): You told them, not me!
DM: In-game, the Wizard says, "I hope he's not stupid enough to put anything on..."
Me: *while the greaves are on* I sense a disturbance in the Force...
Party Members:
Lia - Elf Paladin (F)
Dorn - Dwarf Cleric (M)
Max - Lupine* Fighter (M)
Mandy - Half-Elf Fighter (F)
Taylor - Human Sorcerer (M)
Kard - Humanish** Rogue (M)
Urgosh - NPC Human Barbarian (M)
*Max comes from another world and got stuck in Toril by a portal. He looks a lot like a hound archon so we generally tell people he is for the sake of argument. One party long-term goal is to help Max find his way home.
**Kard comes from the same other world as Max, but Kard's problem is he's cursed by some evil goddess (Haven't figured out which one). Humanish because the goddess took his soul and as a result he's got some vague resemblance to an incubis now.
--Preparing to leave, the party stops at a shop to buy some supplies and check on one last lead before departing--
Show
Taylor: "We found this gnome hook-hammer at the scene of a crime and you're the only gnome weapon seller in town. Know if this was one of your wares?"
Shopkeeper: "Yes, yes I do recall selling such a thing to a gnome a week ago. He was accompanied by a few followers of Bane."
Max: "Who's Bane?"
Lia: "You don't have Bane in your world? He's only a really evil god of the nastiest profanities."
Max: "Like, what kind of evil profanities are we talking about here?"
Dorn: "Okay, imagine yourself being kicked in the crotch by a +2 Boot of Punting. That's Bane."
Max: "...?"
Kard: "Allow me to demonstrate." (Kicks Max in the crotch)
Max: "Ahhhhggllll!!"
Dorn: "Yeah, that's about right."
Lia: "I think we should go now..."
Shopkeeper: "I wonder if I can charge money for this kind of entertainment?"
Taylor: "We found this gnome hook-hammer at the scene of a crime and you're the only gnome weapon seller in town. Know if this was one of your wares?"
Shopkeeper: "Yes, yes I do recall selling such a thing to a gnome a week ago. He was accompanied by a few followers of Bane."
Max: "Who's Bane?"
Lia: "You don't have Bane in your world? He's only a really evil god of the nastiest profanities."
Max: "Like, what kind of evil profanities are we talking about here?"
Dorn: "Okay, imagine yourself being kicked in the crotch by a +2 Boot of Punting. That's Bane."
Max: "...?"
Kard: "Allow me to demonstrate." (Kicks Max in the crotch)
Max: "Ahhhhggllll!!"
Dorn: "Yeah, that's about right."
Lia: "I think we should go now..."
Shopkeeper: "I wonder if I can charge money for this kind of entertainment?"
My dragonborn was dropped off at a halfling village while still an egg with this amulet around his shell.
-wait, a village of halflings that wouldnt turn an egg the size of a treasure chest into dinner for all? DOPLEGANGERS!
As I was saying, I was raised by halflings for my entire child hood and in return I used my sive and apperance to help protect the town untill I was about 13.
-did you start feeling funny and find scales where there wasent scales before?
Actualy yes, when my character had a case of the whooping cough, he melted the pillow, and when he was a head higher than the tallest woman, he realised there was going to be problems.
-*one of theplayers holds up a soda can and a doughnut and makes certain motions, followed by a struggeling look on her face* umm owww..
On said next floor, I used a magic item to summon a celestial monkey and commanded it to throw poop at an enemy's head. When that didn't work, I picked up the monkey and started using it as a nunchuk against the enemy I was fighting, which proved slighly more effective.
Oh, and how can I forget the "Beer Cellar Incident" in that very same session(we pulled an all-nighter)? We were entering the beer cellar due to my flawless judgement (We should go down! That's where all the dragons are!) we ended up in a strangely shaped room. The warmage (who had done sessions with our DM before) suddenly screamed "NOT HERE!!!" in horror, and then started blankly staring at the wall and muttering "Nercocarnum dread zombies" over and over. We were all too busy laughing to help him. By the way, the room turned out to be a beer cellar.
Ah, memories.
Me: Musashi, lvl 13 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 12 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 9/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
Our king asked us to assassinate a lord who was betraying him. The plan went as follows: We get invited to dinner at his house, put laxatives in the lord's daughters food to get her out of the room, kill the guy, make up a lie for the daughter, and get out. As always, there were complications. First, our weapons were confiscated, so Musashi improvised, he grabbed a boat oar off the wall (Don't ask why it was there) and using a knife, carved it into the shape of a sword:
Sarevok: Wait, is that a sword or an oar.
Musashi: It's an oar, it just looks like a sword.
Sarevok: But it can still kill people.
Musashi: Yeah? So?
Sarevok: So it is a Sword, it was just made out of an oar.
Waspinator: Or! It's an oar that when you him people with it.... it rows them to their grave!
DM:
I can't believe you guys did that.Musashi killed him, but got covered with the guy's blood. Plus, we were on the 3rd floor of a mansion, meaning that it would be impossible for anyone to enter the room from outside. Thinking quickly, we blew up the room and broke the window. The daughter came back in 30 minutes later.
Daughter: Oh my god! What happened here?
Musashi: *Whispers* do what you do best old buddy.
Rand: *Bluff of 50* Hover bears! They flew through the window, and killed your father! My friend here killed them, and their corpses exploded!
Daughter: *Fails* Jesus Christ! I'm going to request a nation-wide hunt for hover bears! (Walks out of the room.)
Rand: Let's see, we killed somebody, blew sh*t up, and lied our way out of it. Something's missing.
Musashi: Oh! I forgot!
Two Grapples and one strength check later, Musashi through Waspinator out the window.
DM: Waspinator takes 18 damage.
Rand: Well, that's everything!
Group W Bench is looking for a motto! Please send me a message with any suggestions.
me: dear god you rolled a natural drunk.
p1: ya I know.
Another member of the group (OOC): Just keep throwing them, eventually they'll pile and start surviving!
Sunder: ...
This line alone made me choke on my own tongue for laughing so hard. :D Great story!
From an IC argument over who's faced death more often:
Archmage: "I hardly find this quibble fair. My brother has nearly died twice in the hands of the enemy."
Pirate: "Well I've been keeping count and I've nearly died at least two or three times as many as your brother-"
King: "Well if you're keeping count sir, then which is it? Two or three?"
Rod - Dward Warlord
Ryan - Dwarf Cleric
Myself - Halfling Rogue
2 other party members were missing
Well we started a new 4e campaign yesterday, i was kinda sick to my stomach so i wasnt paying much attention in the begginning, but we wound up in a cave looking for ryans sister who was kidnapped by knolls, and we came to this big big 500ft down pit, with some rope connected to posts driven into the ground, so we started climbin down, rod went first then ryan the mike then myself sometime latter (didnt trust these fools :P) and after going down about 100ft, some bats attacked, so we are all on this 1 rope, rod starts swinging from side to side to get to another rope to spread us out, myself i start to fall then roll really well on an acrobatics check to jump 2 ropes over, after some time and some damage to the bats i get ****** off, one bat comes to attack me, i roll a 20 on a grab check to jump on its back :P so im on its back, it can barely hold me + my equipment up, its trying all things to get me off, im rollin well stayin on, and everyone else is like .... wtf .... they finish off the rest of the bats, and i reach the bottom, roll another 20 on tiein the bat up with some rope, im all set to carry the thing around with me :P then mike gets the idea to talk to it, ask for info (has none ....) then we send it on a message to the villagers we left telling them we are ok .. and placing orders for food and supplies :P ah that was fun ...
then we send it on a message to the villagers we left telling them we are ok .. and placing orders for food and supplies :P ah that was fun ...
"Send help immediately. Also, sandwiches and beer."
The party was fleeing on horseback as fast as they possibly could from a horde of angry elven barbarians (not the class, a tribe). We had to make it to the city walls and round up the militia to fight off these guys.
The barbarians were taking potshots at us as we rode. I play a Warblade and I have the Wall of Blades maneuver, which allows you when an attack would hit you to use a swift action to make an attack roll and use the result as your new AC versus that attack, whether higher or lower.
Since my DM (Josh) also plays with nat 1's making you fumble, which results in either ending up flat on your ass or without a weapon in your hand (more the latter than the former), I also have Spiked Gauntlets in case I fumble or get disarmed, so I'm never without a weapon (which most of my maneuvers require).
One of the enemy cavalry took a shot at me, Josh told me it would hit. I said, "Wall of Blades!" He said, "What with?" I grinned and said, "Spiked Gauntlets!" I proceeded to roll a nat 20.
Josh looked at me and said, "You twist around on your horse, see the arrow zeroing in on you, and punch it right out of the sky. The elf who fired it lets his jaw drop open in surprise and whispers, 'Teach me.'" We all died a little from the laughter.
I play a 3.5e campaign with my friends at college. Here's what's probably the funniest thing that's happened in the campaign.
The party was fleeing on horseback as fast as they possibly could from a horde of angry elven barbarians (not the class, a tribe). We had to make it to the city walls and round up the militia to fight off these guys.
The barbarians were taking potshots at us as we rode. I play a Warblade and I have the Wall of Blades maneuver, which allows you when an attack would hit you to use a swift action to make an attack roll and use the result as your new AC versus that attack, whether higher or lower.
Since my DM (Josh) also plays with nat 1's making you fumble, which results in either ending up flat on your ass or without a weapon in your hand (more the latter than the former), I also have Spiked Gauntlets in case I fumble or get disarmed, so I'm never without a weapon (which most of my maneuvers require).
One of the enemy cavalry took a shot at me, Josh told me it would hit. I said, "Wall of Blades!" He said, "What with?" I grinned and said, "Spiked Gauntlets!" I proceeded to roll a nat 20.
Josh looked at me and said, "You twist around on your horse, see the arrow zeroing in on you, and punch it right out of the sky. The elf who fired it lets his jaw drop open in surprise and whispers, 'Teach me.'" We all died a little from the laughter.
Beautiful.
And I'm happy to see that your DM uses the fumble on nat 1's. Adds something to the game, I think. Does he use a chart to determine what happens, or does he just decide without rolling?
Beautiful.
And I'm happy to see that your DM uses the fumble on nat 1's. Adds something to the game, I think. Does he use a chart to determine what happens, or does he just decide without rolling?
Fumbles should always be based off reflex saves.
Set the DC at 15, and then the result determines your penalty.
anything from 1 to 6 means a dropped your weapon
7 to 11 means you are tripped
12 to 16 means you deal yourself weapon damage, no Str bonus.
17 to 18 means you trip and deal yourself weapon damage, no Str bonus
19 means you deal yourself full damage
20 or higher means you deal yourself a critical hit
The worst can't happen to you without a penalty to reflex save.
We all had gotten assigned personal side quests and the wizard had to get a holy symbol from a traveling merchant without killing him.
Female Wizard: I'll give you anything you want big boy.
DM: Anything?
Female Wizard:ANYTHING.
DM: Why don't you come with me to my covered wagon over there and we'll "talk" things through. (OOC: Everyone make a listen check)
Me the Swasbuckler: I'd like to FAIL my listen check.
(The Ranger and Rogue had a love/hate relationship. Ie, she hates him and he loves it. In the middle of the night, he decides to wake her for her turn at watch by emptying a flagon of wine on her head.)
(As he unstops the bottle and prepares to pour, the nearby Eladrin Warlock, fully aware of his surroundings while trancing, speaks up.)
Warlock: What in the Nine Hells are you doing?
Rogue: (frozen, open bottle half-tilted over the Ranger's face) Umm...
Warlock: Nevermind, it's perfectly obvious what you're doing, what I really meant to ask is why you're doing it?!!
***
And one from my last campaign that I just recalled last night.
(Low-Charisma Elf Mystic Theurge is combing the waterfront for information on Sahuagin raids. He encounters a "Lady of the Evening".)
Prostitute: Hey handsome, love the ears.
Theurge: (Abruptly) Are there any Sahuagin around here?
Prostitute: (blinks, surprised) Wow, you elves are into some really kinky weird stuff...
New DM: So, are you all ready to go?
Player 1: Is it OK if I multiclass from two different sources?
New DM: *points to me* He's multiclassing from two different EDITIONS.
After some more questions and mathematics, we're about ready to start, when...
New DM: So, are we ready to begin this 4e, no... wait... 3.5... no... uhh...
Me: 3.75x.
Player 2: What's the 'x' stand for?
Me: The variable to whatever the f*** edition we're closer to at that moment in time.
New DM: I like it! So, let's get 3.75x rolling, shall we?
Me: 3 Swordmage, 2 Duskblade Human
Player 1: 3 Rogue, 2 Cleric Elf (3.5 classes, 4e race)
Player 2: 5 Monk with Vow of Silence Human (knows Drow Sign Language as her 2nd language)
Player 3: 5 Fire Psionic Human (Player 2's brother in-game, and also knows Drow Sign Language)
New DM: Was the 4e Rogue/Warlock from last campaign
We all go down into the bar and find a secret passage. It leads to a den of kobolts. During the fight, two kobolts are standing next to each other.
Me: I turn around, scream, "Time to burn!" Flame Cyclone. *rolls, nat 20 one roll, really high on the second roll*
New DM: Ok, one of them dies.
Me: Wait, only one? I auto-crit one and hit another!
New DM: The one you auto-crit directed the blast - using an encounter power - towards the second kobolt. So you auto-crit on a minion kobolt, then hit the minion again. It's no longer a kobolt, it's a pile of soot plasted into the wall.
So the party has succeeded in its first encounter (six 4e Kobolts, two minions, four grunts) and the party is looking pretty bad. The rogue has just failed a Spot check, and has had a trap blown up in front of his face while trying to lock-pick a chest in the room. As I go to investigate the explosion, the doorway leading into some sewers slides open.
New DM: A kobolt sticks his head around the door and goes, "The Master will be very angry with-"
Me: Kelgore's Fire Bolt.
New DM: *Laughs* He's now a pile of ash.
Player 2 (OOC): You really like to burn things, don't you?
Me (OOC): Your brother - in game - is Pyro from X-Men and you're telling ME to cut back on the fire?
So we all go back up and talk to the bartender. We all get some rooms for the night. The next morning...
New DM: You all look out your window and see MILES of forest.
Me (OOC): But we're on an island. With the windows pointing out to the sea!
New DM: Actually, none of you remember seeing ANY windows on the building.
ME (OOC): Stop. Just... Stop. I don't get this.
New DM: Your character doesn't?
Me (OOC): Oh hell yes he gets it; he's got an int of 19 (which effectively makes him have an IQ of 190). I"m the one with an int of 10!
(The party Rogue is a con artist posing, unconvincingly, as a local constable.)
Fighter: What are those?
Rogue: Thievery tools. I mean...lawfulry tools...
Cael (Moon Elf Cleric of Gargauth; my PC): You know what? Let's hit them hard. Swords out, lots of fireballs and explosions, and we'll grab some of the cripples as meatshields.
(Silence from the rest of the party.)
Ryx (Female Human Rogue): You know, you're one sick little elf.
Cael: And you're one ugly wench. But I try not to hold it against you.
"You twist around on your horse, see the arrow zeroing in on you, and punch it right out of the sky. The elf who fired it lets his jaw drop open in surprise and whispers, 'Teach me.'"
That's awesome.
I'm curious, though -- can unarmed strike not count for your weapon for wall of blades? Or would you need to have the IUS feat for that to work? (I'm a fan of grabbing IUS or the local equivalent for all my martial characters, actually, whether the flavor text is kung-fu or boxing/brawling. I think it makes the character more interesting if he can do without his weapon.)
The party has fought valiantly to the top of the lich's tower prepared to do battle with the evil undead archmage...
The lich sits upon his throne as the heroes enter. The leader of the party declares, "Your days of evil are over!"
The lich calmly states, "I am prepared for final death. I crave it. Come and send me to the beyond."
The party leader, confused but brave, walks up to the dais where the lich sits and fails to notice the magic circle on the ground...
DM: OK, I need a saving throw against Circle of Death
Player 1 (party leader): What's a Circle of Death do?
Everyone in the room except Player 1 howls with laughter.
To set the scene:
The party has fought valiantly to the top of the lich's tower prepared to do battle with the evil undead archmage...
The lich sits upon his throne as the heroes enter. The leader of the party declares, "Your days of evil are over!"
The lich calmly states, "I am prepared for final death. I crave it. Come and send me to the beyond."
The party leader, confused but brave, walks up to the dais where the lich sits and fails to notice the magic circle on the ground...
DM: OK, I need a saving throw against Circle of Death
Player 1 (party leader): What's a Circle of Death do?
Everyone in the room except Player 1 howls with laughter.
That's an awesome set up. Good Liching, I say.
The game ran rather late (6am?)
This afternoon I wake up and realise something: she didn't starve to death ...we burnt the house to the ground before we left.
Another classic from my games:
The party is exiting the cavern that the orcs had been dwelling in. They snuck past the guard to get in, so the guards are still out front. The party is almost spent from their battle. Trying to decide what to do, the ranger decides to fire a shot with his bow and hopefully kill the guards one by one without the others noticing.
He draws his bow, fires, and scores a critical hit! The first is dead pinned to a tree, but the other three DO notice. They examine their fallen comrade and the arrow stapling him to the tree. The back end of the arrow points directly to the cave entrace.
I (the DM) rolls an Intelligence check for the orcs. Result: 1.
Orcs: "Hmmm...they're in the woods!"
Orcs take off through the forest searching for the party, who quietly exits in the opposite direction.
My party consists of:
-Me (Dragonborn Inspiring Warlord)
-Dan (Eladrin Wizard)
-Adam (Elf Ranger)
-Tom (Dragonborn Paladin)
We were playing KotS and were ambushed by kobolds. With just one skirmisher remaining to mop up, we ... stumbled a bit:
Dan: Alright I'm going to Magic Missile it ... 1 ... crap.
DM: Your Magic Missile goes ten feet over the kobold's head and hits a passing crow. The crow explodes and falls to the ground.
Tom: Okay. I'm going to use Radiant Smite ... 1. Really?
DM: You bring your hammer down and completely miss the kobold, striking the crow, simultaneously tenderizing it and cooking it with radiant damage.
Adam: I'm going to roll perception to see if there are any more kobolds ... 29.
DM: There are no more kobolds in the area, but you do detect the delectable aroma of roasted crow.
Now it's a running joke to hit passing crows with our missed attacks, even when we're in the most improbable places.
Basically, our necro was looking around for some bodies for animate dead, my char and his char had become kinda buddy buddy (my character for his own reasons is convinced he's his uncle) so we split up and went to find bodies...he eventually does and animates it. My char also managed to find a body, which he gentled reposed for later use...but then decided we should prank our other party member. When he was sleeping, we snuck the body into his bed. Halfway through the evening he woke up, found it, flipped out...and not knowing what to do, dumped it out the window. We woke up...snuck back out, and put the body back. He again woke up with the body on the dresser, and tossed it back out the window. The necro decided to just grab it. The guards were called right as the necro was dragging the body back into the inn. He managed to get off the hook with this awesome line.
"I didn't kill her, I'm just a simple necrophiliac looking for a good time."
We're finally back! I'm so sorry about the leave of absence. We were experimenting with fourth edition. Suffice to say, we will be sticking with 3.5 until something better comes along. We were at AX this year. (But not Comicon.) if anyone saw the Alucard with a beard and ponytail... that was me.
Me: Musashi, lvl 13 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 12 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 9/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 19 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
Our king asked us to assassinate a lord who was betraying him. The plan went as follows: We get invited to dinner at his house, put laxatives in the lord's daughters food to get her out of the room, kill the guy, make up a lie for the daughter, and get out. As always, there were complications. First, our weapons were confiscated, so Musashi improvised, he grabbed a boat oar off the wall (Don't ask why it was there) and using a knife, carved it into the shape of a sword:
Sarevok: Wait, is that a sword or an oar.
Musashi: It's an oar, it just looks like a sword.
Sarevok: But it can still kill people.
Musashi: Yeah? So?
Sarevok: So it is a Sword, it was just made out of an oar.
Waspinator: Or! It's an oar that when you him people with it.... it rows them to their grave!
DM:
Musashi killed him, but got covered with the guy's blood. Plus, we were on the 3rd floor of a mansion, meaning that it would be impossible for anyone to enter the room from outside. Thinking quickly, we blew up the room and broke the window. The daughter came back in 30 minutes later.
Daughter: Oh my god! What happened here?
Musashi: *Whispers* do what you do best old buddy.
Rand: *Bluff of 50* Hover bears! They flew through the window, and killed your father! My friend here killed them, and their corpses exploded!
Daughter: *Fails* Jesus Christ! I'm going to request a nation-wide hunt for hover bears! (Walks out of the room.)
Rand: Let's see, we killed somebody, blew sh*t up, and lied our way out of it. Something's missing.
Musashi: Oh! I forgot!
Two Grapples and one strength check later, Musashi through Waspinator out the window.
DM: Waspinator takes 18 damage.
Rand: Well, that's everything!
Group W Bench is looking for a motto! Please send me a message with any suggestions.
ROTFL....we need a thread just for GWB.
Beautiful.
And I'm happy to see that your DM uses the fumble on nat 1's. Adds something to the game, I think. Does he use a chart to determine what happens, or does he just decide without rolling?
Josh is a cruel and hateful DM (not really, but he does enjoy making our characters suffer), so he goes with whatever is most embarassing and/or unlucky at the time of the fumble. I've had my greatsword fly out of my hands while surrounded by ghouls, when I was sandwiched between the cleric and the sorceror I accidentally smacked the cleric in the face with my spiked chain, and my friend Sam managed to fumble on two rounds in a row and ended up on her ass both times (fighting in mud).
That's awesome.
I'm curious, though -- can unarmed strike not count for your weapon for wall of blades? Or would you need to have the IUS feat for that to work? (I'm a fan of grabbing IUS or the local equivalent for all my martial characters, actually, whether the flavor text is kung-fu or boxing/brawling. I think it makes the character more interesting if he can do without his weapon.)
Josh and I have gone over the wording of Wall of Blades and we've agreed that "you can initiate this counter to oppose that attack by making an attack roll with any melee weapon you are holding" rules out unarmed strikes, which is why I keep my gauntlets on at all times (though I recently traded them out for locked gauntlets to keep my damn chain in my hand). That is a good point about IUS, though - I'll be sure to ask him what his ruling would be on that.
To keep this on-topic, since I mentioned wording in the paragraph above, let's talk about the wording of Iron Heart Surge:
"Select one spell, effect, or other condition currently affecting you and with a duration of 1 or more rounds. That effect ends immediately."
Josh has had to house-rule this to keep it from being incredibly broken. We were discussing it at one point and he said, "So suppose you were a Drow Warblade. You're light-sensitive, so technically the sun being in the sky is a condition that affects you for 1 or more rounds. You use Iron Heart surge and literally put out the sun."
Oh, and I think this came up during a game session at one point. The maneuver had come up again in conversation and my friend Steve pointed out, "Iron Heart Surge is great. If you were a female warblade and you got pregnant, you could just Iron Heart Surge the baby right out of you, since pregnancy is a condition that lasts for more than one round."
Fumbles should always be based off reflex saves.
Set the DC at 15, and then the result determines your penalty.
anything from 1 to 6 means a dropped your weapon
7 to 11 means you are tripped
12 to 16 means you deal yourself weapon damage, no Str bonus.
17 to 18 means you trip and deal yourself weapon damage, no Str bonus
19 means you deal yourself full damage
20 or higher means you deal yourself a critical hit
The worst can't happen to you without a penalty to reflex save.
I actually have a chart that uses % dice. My friend's dad used it all the time, and I'm pretty sure it was a 2nd ed chart. Anyway, that's what I like to use.
ROTFL....we need a thread just for GWB.
Thanks!
a LITTLE back story, I am a noob Dming noobs. it's sad but it's the only way we could play. One character ( a Hound Archon paladin) has just been awarded land and title. the other(male half dragon fighter(dragon), got nothing. so The Archon didn't want the land (why not???) he decided to sell it to the dragon. for 6000gp. now, the dragon looks at me and this is the lines from there.
Dragon:How much will I have left?
Archon: 3000.
Dragon: Is that enough to build a castle?
Me: WELL you'll need to buy carpenters masons planners tilers architects leather workers peas-
Dragon: I won't buy any of those.
Me: What??
Dragon: I'll just buy a bunch of Mexicans.
Archon & Me:
It was funny. please excuse the racism. we live in San Clemente, so, we see a lot of poor-er Mexicans. also, the Archon player was part Mexican, so ya..
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 12 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 9/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 20 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it. Mainly just there to heal us.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
I will be gone for about a week on friday, so we met early to give you guys at least one Group W Bench story before I go. Investigations revealed that all the conspirator we faced, seemed to answer to a kingdom far across the sea. On the boat ride, we naturally had problems. After about 8 days, the sailors were bored.
Sailor: Hey! Bard!
Waspinator: Huh? Me?
Sailor: Give us a Sea Chanty!
Waspinator: Ummm.... Waspinator doesn't know any sea chanties.
DM: Really?
Waspinator (OOC): Yeah. I spent all my points on Perform: Anime Themes, and Perform: Party Songs.
Rand:
I whisper this to Waspinator, *Passes note to DM*DM: Make a bluff check.
Rand: *Succeeds*
Waspinator: *Fails*
DM: Rand gives you the name of a Sea Chanty you DO know. Make a perform: Party Songs check.
Waspinator: *Succeeds*
DM: Using his bardic magic, Waspinator performs an exact imitation and performance of Wang Chung's Everybody have fun tonight. After it's over, the sailors seem pretty ****** off. *Rolls* They tie Waspinator up and attach him to the front of the ship. The Ship now has a Gnome for a figurehead.
About 3 days later, we were attacked by pirates. We dealt with them, Group W Bench style. Musashi dueled the captain. While everyone dealt with the rest.
Rand: *Points overboard.* Look! Mermaids! *Succeeds Bluff*
DM: *Fails*. They all rush to the side of the ship.
Sarevok: Lightning bolt.
Yumei: Flurry of blows.
Waspinator: Ai wo torimodose. The 2005 remix for the OVA.
*Edit* I completely forgot this line. 3 cookies to identify the movie where this dialogue is based off of. Musashi defeated the pirate leader, who was lying ind a bloody heap, waiting for the coup de grace.
Captain: Who are you to judge me?
Musashi: I am Bishamonten!
Last night while raiding an enemy compound we found a known enemy hiding in the cupboard. After a little light intimidation she told us some useful information so we (some more reluctantly than others) decided to tie her up and leave her alive. Someone expressed a concern than she might starve to death in there as we're pretty much kiling everyone we see and she is hidden.
The game ran rather late (6am?)
This afternoon I wake up and realise something: she didn't starve to death ...we burnt the house to the ground before we left.
Hm... if I were your GM, I'd have her come after you later, burned from the fire, but still alive and SERIOUSLY ticked off... :evillaugh That's the kind of grudge that can keep a storyline hopping for MONTHS.
I actually have a chart that uses % dice. My friend's dad used it all the time, and I'm pretty sure it was a 2nd ed chart. Anyway, that's what I like to use.
That sort of thing isn't fair to more experianced Characters, who should be less likely to fumble. And gettign more attacks as you level up... what you roll should be affected to the better by the reflex save.
Hm... if I were your GM, I'd have her come after you later, burned from the fire, but still alive and SERIOUSLY ticked off... :evillaugh That's the kind of grudge that can keep a storyline hopping for MONTHS.
Unexpected consequences are always good for surprise plothooks.
*Edit* I completely forgot this line. 3 cookies to identify the movie where this dialogue is based off of. Musashi defeated the pirate leader, who was lying ind a bloody heap, waiting for the coup de grace.
Captain: Who are you to judge me?
Musashi: I am Bishamonten!
Two things: 1) it would have been better for waspinator to sing the village peoples "in the navy".
2) Isnt the quote a variant of "I am batman" when joker is getting tossed arounf the belltower in the origional batman movie?
Geni von rav, human cleric
Alpha, half elf paladin
Decon, dragonborn rogue
Millie, elf ranger
Delvar, dwarf warlock
The players make their way to a cemetary where the undead are being raised to dig up more undead a la army of darkness. technicly they are digging for something else, any bodies dug up simply became more diggers. So, rogue and ranger, competely seperate from each other, hand me two seperate notes, each one basicly explaining that they are going to stealth and disguise themselves as they search the graveyard. I make them roll, both do really good on stealth, so good they dissapear from the rest of the party as well, then they each make a bluff for disguise, the rogue is so good as disguising as undead (28) that even the necromancer thinks its one of his own.
So when the inevitable fight starts, the Ranger fires off two shots from his twin strike, at the necromancer and the nearest undead to him, this case it was the rogue still in disguise having a lower init than the ranger. A 17 and a 19 later I watch the rogues face a mass of frustration and confusion from the rangers as I describe the undead bleeding fresh blood from its chest wound. THe ranger brought rogue to bloody with 1 arrow!
Two things: 1) it would have been better for waspinator to sing the village peoples "in the navy".
2) Isnt the quote a variant of "I am batman" when joker is getting tossed arounf the belltower in the origional batman movie?
1). I wasn't the one who suggested the song. So yeah, it would have been funnier, but he played Everybody have fun tonight.
2) No, it's not from Batman. You're way off.
Myself, a Wizard who had
A Bard who was almost constantly either drunk or hungover
A ninja/rogue who disappeared whenever we had a battle (for sneak attack)
a Fighter that and woke up each morning as a different animal via polymorph.
(...a wizard actually DID do that one...)
And a nudist cleric to the goddess aphrodite.
So most of the rest of the party is already dead, or dying. -3 to -5 HP left, or thereabouts. The BBEG (sorcerer) finally ran out of spells and decided to run through the streets. I had about 20 HP left, and i chased him down and I only had one 1st level spell left. I knew Magic Missile wouldn't take him down, so I cast grease to make him slide/fall and then ran up to him and started beating the living S*** out of him, kicking him yelling, "I.. AM NOT... A SQUISHY.... MAGE!"
One of the pirates fell over board and we decided to polymorph him into a hydra. Haveing defeated a 3 headed hydra I told the group my plans. The fighter says why only 3 head! so after a small debate we decided to polymorph the swimming pirate into a 16 headed hydra and called out to him to swim toward the brit tower ship and scare them off. If you don't know there is a 1% chance that the polymorph other spell could become periment and that the recipient would think he was infact that creature.
We wiped out the brit tower ship, all his allies and all the pirates... we teleported back to the castle and reported a resounding victory and were hailed as hero's!!!!
The next gameing session took place about a year later, we were hired to investigate the disapearence of several merchan ships........ We accepted the quest went off and took an ingame vacation with all the money the king gave us to use on the investigation got arrested and promply reported to the king it was a 16 headed hydra.
Having then promised us a huge ransom, half his treasury of gold and the hand of the princess we proceeded to go out hunting and..........................
We dispelled it on the first round of combat! The dm was so ****** at us..
This of course leads the fighter to shout, "Cover me while I run past the red crayon, jump over the red D20 and grab the orange crayon and make a run for it!".
DM response... The red crayon takes his attack of opportunity and trips you, and you land face first on the red d20.
Same group different day....
So the group is in a hurry and the caynon goes on for several days travel. About the 2nd day traveling along the caynon they see a group of kobold, The leader promply explains they have constructed a bridge and are taking toll for anyone who wishes to cross the canyon safely. Of course the group argues weither to threatens to kill him, or just pay the toll. And the roleplaying goes on for 40 min. So finaly the group decides to barters him down and ends up paying him 10 gold pieces 3 days rations and a backpack to put the rations in.
The proud, proffitable and successful kobold leader promply leads the group to his crudely constrcted rope bridge........
Did I mention they were all on horse back?
Walking through a dank cavern, the party is slowly climbing down a very slippery slope, requiring climb checks. Everyone makes their climb check...except for me. Note: the wall of the cavern is about 30 feet away.
DM: Make climb checks
Half-elf: Success
Dwarf: Success
Human: Success
Elf (Me): Ummm....crap. natural 1...
DM:
Roll reflexMe: OK, I have a good save in....oh...crud. 1 again
DM: !!!
Ok. Half-elf, roll reflex. And you still have that alchemists fire?Half-elf:
yeah, 14 vials, why? Oh and I got a ... oh no... Nat 1 DM: !!!!!!
Ok...Elf, roll reflex againMe: Uhmmm...oh ****. 1, again.
DM: and you're still the party's torch bearer, yeah? (dark cavern, no one has dark vision)
Me: *gulp* yes.
DM: Ok. Pretty simple. Elf, you stumble on the slope.
Me: Oh, ok.
DM: And careen into Half-elf's back, where you promptly lose your torch, somehow finding a way to jam it into his backpack.
Me and H-E: Oh No...
DM: At the same time, you hear the sounds of breaking glass. Suddenly, a massive explosion tears through H-E's pack, sending both of you flying into the far wall, badly singed and both having taken *rolls* (super high amount, not quite dead though) Half-elf, your alchemist's fire is all gone.
Party:
Half-Elf: Nice going elf, now we're both practically dead, and anything in the area is totally gonna come finish us off. How many 1's was that?!?
Me: (without missing a beat) hey, we made it to the bottom, and as they say, all's well that ends well!
*sounds of orcs rushing down the hallway, getting louder*
Me: And I get the strange feeling that all is not well.
Ok...funnier at the time...but nonetheless, worth relating. That and the story about me drinking spider climb and sticky hands potions at the same time, leading to my ultimate demise by massive fall damage, is a great way to let new players know that things DO have consequences :P
Josh has had to house-rule this to keep it from being incredibly broken. We were discussing it at one point and he said, "So suppose you were a Drow Warblade. You're light-sensitive, so technically the sun being in the sky is a condition that affects you for 1 or more rounds. You use Iron Heart surge and literally put out the sun."
Well, first, that wouldn't work. It would negate your light sensitivity, not the sun. The sun isn't a condition or effect; your light-sensitivity racial "ability" is the condition, and thus what would be negated. Or, technically, the "blinded" and "dazzled" conditions are the conditions that would be negated; you'd still have the Light Sensitivity trait, but you'd be freed from the penalties for the duration.
But it doesn't matter, because you can't do that at all. Read the text again:
"Select one spell, effect, or other condition currently affecting you and with a duration of 1 or more rounds." Light sensitivity's "dazzled" has no specified duration, so it's not a valid target for the power. Blinded is, but it lasts only one turn anyway, so it's kind of a waste of the power.
... pregnancy is a condition that lasts for more than one round.
Pregnancy isn't a condition. Condition is a game term, and there's a specified list of conditions. You could negate the Nauseated condition that morning sickness causes, but not the entire pregnancy.
Me: Human Swordmage/Duskblade (3/3)
Player 1: Human Monk with Vow of Silence (6)
Player 2: Elven Rogue/Cleric/Black Flame Zealot (3/2/1)
Player 3: Human Psion/Pyrokineticist (5/1)
New Player: Human Warlord/Bard (1/5)
So the DM sends us on a trip to save a fort. His directions to us go as follows:
DM *as epic-level drunken master/monk*: OK, you go 1/2 mile north. Then, 1/2 mile south. After that, 1/2 east. Then, 1/2 mile west and you'll be at the fort.
Player 3: Wait... Won't that put us back at the door?
Me: OK, I'm good with that *walks through the interdimensional door*
Everyone Else (OOC):
Me (OOC): There's a reason why I have an Int of 19 you know... *explains away that the continent suffers from The Traveler's Curse*
DM: And that's why the bartender's directions make sense to him.
So, we reach the fort:
Player 3: *levitates up to the top of the fort, sits down on the top* So, did you know that we're about to be invaded by a monsterous Green Dragon? *Bluff check, rolls insanely high*
DM: The guard sets up a grappling hook and heads down it, running off into the forest. The other 4 guards do the same.
Me: Nice going, jackass! Now we just went from like 100:1 odds to 200:1 odds!
Player 3: They would've stolen my glory! *Bluff check*
Me: Don't even bother. I've known you for less than 2 days and already my character knows your a lying sack of crap.
So as the rest of the party searches the fort for weapons, I begin trying to lay out a trap:
Me: So, how long before the army arrives?
DM: About... 20 minutes.
Me: Ok. I hook up a hose to my drill (think anime-sized, same stats as a 4e warhammer) connecting to my toolkit and begin drilling down.
DM: But... It's sand.
Me: I still do it. How much can I get in about 15 minutes?
DM: About a 15 foot tall mound...
Me: I do so, and then dump the sand in front of the door to the fort.
Player 3: What are you doing?
Me: Barricading the door.
Player 3: ... With sand!?
Me: Have you ever seen someone move a 15 ft. tall mound of sand?
So as I finish up I see the army in the distance.
Me: How many are we talking here?
DM: At least 100. Most are kobolds.
Me: Most?
DM: There's a tall thing with them. You don't know what it is from this distance, but you know its tall.
Me: Ok... I slide down the pile, run to the back of the fort and begin drilling again.
DM:
Me: I'm getting the
out of here! No way we can kill that many without dying ourselves!Player 2: Coward.
Me: There's a reason why I have an Int of 19! How do you not get that!?
So the rest of the party begins killing off some of the kobolds from behind the fort wall. The Psionic uses his fire and grease to kill off about 5, the Monk throws Javelins to kill off another 8, the Rogue using a bow to knock off another 4. The Bard is singing inspirational songs so their attacks hit, while I'm drilling us an escape route.
DM *to me* The tunnel behind you collapses.
Me: Crap. I drill back that way, trying to re-open my hole.
DM: You drill through, only now you're here. *moves my mini to the top of the item we're using for our sand mound, in front of the door*
Player 1 (OOC): How's that Int of 19 treating you now?
Me:
Traveler's Curse...So I decide that, if I'm going to die, I might as well take as many with me:
Me: My turn. I scream out, "Who the
do you think I am!?" and jump off the pile, landing in the middle of the army *Jump check* ... Crap...DM: nat 1?
Me: Yeah... Even with my bonuses to Jump, I can't counter a nat 1...
DM: You trip going over the wall and land on a kobold, taking *rolls low number of damage* And you're now prone.
Me: Ok... Sword Burst. How many is that...
DM (counts): About 15 minis...
Me: Ok, who's got 15d20s?
Player 4: Actually... *pulls out bag, pulls out lots of d20s*
So, after four more turns, my character is still alive - and now on his feet - having killed off about 64 of the kobolds. By this time the rest of the party has moved to the front of the fort and is now assisting me.
Player 3: *yelling* So, when's our dragon supposed to arrive? *Bluff check, nat 20* So... What does a 36 do?
DM: And you're still gonna Sword Burst, right?
Me: Until I get to the giant, yes.
DM: The army turns around and runs away.
Me: I'm Ray of Frosting them as they run, screaming, "Come on, don't you wanna pet Francis?!"
Arannis, Eladrin Wizard: "Okay, I'm going to cast my light on Kriv's (my) sword."
Me, Kriv, Dragonborn Warlord: "Alright. I'm going to leap over this rune. I don't see any enemies right?"
DM: "Nope."
Kriv: "... 24 Athletics. I can easily clear the rune."
DM: "Halfway through your jump, you see a zombie standing lazily in the spot you planned on landing in. Roll another Athletics check to see what happens when your momentum meets the zombie."
Kriv: "OH CRAP! Crapcrapcrapcrapcrap ... 25. :D"
DM: "You re-orient your body in mid-air and land a flying drop kick on the zombie's chest, knocking it prone."
Kriv: "Sweet. Furious Smash ... 22 vs. Fortitude. :D"
DM: "You land, and in one smooth motion bring your right foot down on the zombie's head, curb-stomping it, and shattering it in a gooey mess of bone, decayed skin, and brains."
Rest of party: ":O"
Thanks. My players have always considered me a sneaky DM. I once had them spend over 30 minutes trying to figure out what was in a completely empty room. They just couldn't believe that I would actually have a completely empty room in a dungeon.
try waiting 1 Hour and 30 Mins for your PC to check for traps which only got them halfway though. and woulda lasted MUCH longer if it wasnt for the PC who decided to Charge down the room and hallway seeing if traps sprung
From that day forth we had a Hero in our Player Group. Character name was tobo the Mighty Half Orc fighter Barbian.
Praise him
" Nothing... In fact Tobo Gets 500XP Bonus For speeding things along "
The players did this becouse Previously they all kinda got Butt Raped by a trap that allmost killed Em all (Flooding Room Trap and such along with some other things)
Try bulding your playing saying "theres nothing there go on come on faster please"
And the players responce was "No We dunt wanna get tricked and get hurt by another Trap!"
I Kinda had to lay off of traps ever sence inless tobo was around.
OK, although i feel this could be taken wrongly, it was hilarious at 5 am, it may seem a bit racist, but heck, I'll post it anyway.
a LITTLE back story, I am a noob Dming noobs. it's sad but it's the only way we could play. One character ( a Hound Archon paladin) has just been awarded land and title. the other(male half dragon fighter(dragon), got nothing. so The Archon didn't want the land (why not???) he decided to sell it to the dragon. for 6000gp. now, the dragon looks at me and this is the lines from there.
Dragon:How much will I have left?
Archon: 3000.
Dragon: Is that enough to build a castle?
Me: WELL you'll need to buy carpenters masons planners tilers architects leather workers peas-
Dragon: I won't buy any of those.
Me: What??
Dragon: I'll just buy a bunch of Mexicans.
Archon & Me:
It was funny. please excuse the racism. we live in San Clemente, so, we see a lot of poor-er Mexicans. also, the Archon player was part Mexican, so ya..
for a while this is now in My Sig. I dont care if i cant Shrink it ... or know how to.
Try bulding your playing saying "theres nothing there go on come on faster please"
And the players responce was "No We dunt wanna get tricked and get hurt by another Trap!"
I Kinda had to lay off of traps ever sence inless tobo was around.
Yeah, it happens. This is why "zap traps" (i.e. "You open the door? Okay, take 20 damage.") are anti-fun. When the players get punished without warning for doing something reasonable, it makes them overly cautious about everything.
I much prefer traps that are obvious but still require a set of checks to bypass -- for example, the giant swinging hammer from Hellboy or the Breath of God from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Ric: Excuse me Blacksmith, I would like you to repair this armor.
Blacksmith(me):Hmmm, that looks like a tough job, but do not fret I can fix it though I am a little buisy so it may take a few days before I am able to get to it. It will cost you 50g.
Ric: If I pay you an extra 50g can you move it up to the front of the que?
BS: Of course sir, come back in 4 hours.
*Ric comes back*
BS: Good job sir you are right on time.
*Ric pays 100g, gets the armor.*
Ric:Well since I have this new armor here how would you like to buy my old set(+1 plate)?
BS:yes sir, though I am but a humble blacksmith and I only have 27g in my shop at the moment, and I need at least 5g of that to purchase materials, and 2g to feed my family. I would be happy to give you 20g for your old armor.
Fighter: Well since I dont want to lug this around anymore, Agreed.
At this point the entire table except Ric, bursts out laughing. It took a good five minutes for Ric to realize that he had been just payed the guy 100g.
*house ruled, He requested the ability, wrote it out, and I decided to give it to him.
sunder
fighter daily 1
str vs ref
1W+str on hit gives opponent -2 ac until end of encounter.
"Who the
You are Simon. Not your brother Kamina. You are yourself! :D
Well the party got split up all over the warehouse during the combat that ensued, with the party elf paladin Lia and dwarf cleric Dorn stuck fighting four vampires in the front lobby.
Vampire1: "Let's talk this over, negotiate if you will."
Lia: "The only negotiating you'll be doing is mercy from Corellon when I put you under.
Dorn: "I'm in the mood for a stake."
Vampire2: "Pity, you both would have made excellent thralls in our clan."
Vampire 3 & 4: **Holding back, licking their lips**
Dorn: "You ain't taking anything but a beating!" **Dives at Vamp1 with a stake, rolls a 1, and lands prone on the floor**
Vampire1: "You were saying?" **steps on the stake to break it**
Dorn: "Lia, when the party bard gets back, be sure to exclude this part from our story."
Vampire2: **Approaches Dorn to strike**
Lia: "Die, winged rat!" *Strikes Vamp1*
Vampire1: "Curse you elf! *Uses Dominate gaze and succeeds*
Lia: "...I feel fuzzy."
Dorn: **Leaps to his feet**
Vampire2: **Attack of opportunity, but rolls a 1 and lands prone**
Dorn: "Have we met before?"
Vampire1: "I believe it is time to surrender now, dwarf."
Taylor (Party mage) shows up: "Dorn, don't you have a wand of Searing light?"
Dorn: "Oh, right!" **Whips out the wand and fires it at vampire 1, rolling maximum damage**
Vampire1: **Poof! Reduced to ash instantly**
Lia: **Regains her senses**
Vampire 2, 3 & 4: "
Dorn: "Anyone else want to negotiate?"
Yeah, it happens. This is why "zap traps" (i.e. "You open the door? Okay, take 20 damage.") are anti-fun. When the players get punished without warning for doing something reasonable, it makes them overly cautious about everything.
I much prefer traps that are obvious but still require a set of checks to bypass -- for example, the giant swinging hammer from Hellboy or the Breath of God from Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.
Which one is the Breath of God again? The invisible bridge? The fake grails? The hidden buzzsaws? What?
Player: Wow, we defeated Orcus! How much XP is Orcus worth?
Me (DM):
*looks* 155.000XPPlayer: WOW! How many levels do we go up?
Me (DM): 1.:angelhide
Which one is the Breath of God again? The invisible bridge? The fake grails? The hidden buzzsaws? What?
The Breath of God was the buzzsaws. Then was the Word of God, where you had to step on the right letters, and the invisible bridge was the Path of God. The fake grail test had no name.
The point is, walking into the Breath test, Indy had a clue about the nature of the challenge (in the previously decapitated people), a hint as to the solution (in the diary -- "Only the penitent man shall pass"), and succeeded by a combination of puzzle solving, skill (acrobatics), and luck. He didn't just walk in, get sliced by a blade for damage, and go "oh, well, that's that, next room".
The Word test was just puzzle solving, with zap traps that went off only if you chose a wrong answer, which is an appropriate time to use them -- it's fine to throw in a zap when the PCs know (or reasonably suspect) it'll be there; the problem is when you punish them for doing something normal and expected.
The Bridge wasn't actually a trap at all, just a test of courage and faith, and thus a pure roleplaying encounter.
Which one is the Breath of God again? The invisible bridge? The fake grails? The hidden buzzsaws? What?
Only the penitent man shall pass...
It was the blades.You are Simon. Not your brother Kamina. You are yourself! :D
My PC's name is Simon, and I'm waiting for a chance to say, "This is my drill!" While I do Greenflame Blade on a BBEG or big baddie to kill it, just so I can RP away the resulting explosion and hole in the baddie's torso. Oh, and his character goal is to get together enough Adamantium to build a pilotable giant Warforged (ie., a mecha).
And another line from that night's festivities:
DM: You all reach the metal island and see through the crystal clear water people digging about 300 feet below the surface.
Me: *Knowledge Religion check, rolls high*
DM: You see that they're undead.
Me *remembering a conversation me and DM had earlier that day* Oh... That explains away how a city can survive on a metal island...
Player 2 (OOC): Huh?
Me: I explain to them that the majority of the people on the island are undead.
Player 2 (OOC):
DM: You see a skeletal hand tie off the boat to the docks, but other than that nothing else happens.
Player 2: *Using Drow Sign to talk to the Bard* We should get off this island quickly.
Bard: She says we should get off this island quickly.
Me: Relax, they're not gonna hurt us *gets off boat*
Player 2 (OOC): ... That's it; *points to me* He just made me go from LN to LE.
My PC's name is Simon, and I'm waiting for a chance to say, "This is my drill!" While I do Greenflame Blade on a BBEG or big baddie to kill it, just so I can RP away the resulting explosion and hole in the baddie's torso. Oh, and his character goal is to get together enough Adamantium to build a pilotable giant Warforged (ie., a mecha).
What, no "Certain kill! GIGA...DRILL...BREAKER!"? :D
Also, now I want to try to build Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann just to see if I can give my DM a siezure (Although I am already sporting a *****ing cape and sunglasses in one campaign:D).
What, no "Certain kill! GIGA...DRILL...BREAKER!"? :D
I already know how I'm going to do Giga Drill Breaker, in-game. And my DM has to allow it, because he's already had another party member do something similar to my plan below this:
- Have psionic float me about 50 feet into the air.
- Begin spinning the drill and using Greenflame Blade.
- Have a pre-set 'Enchant Magic Item' ritual go off, turning the drill from medium-sized to Giant-sized, the psionic dropping me as the drill grows.
- My character screaming the above line as the drill hits the ground and whatever else is in it.
And here's how I know that he'll allow it:
Bard: So, I can magically summon any instrument and have it last for a round?
DM: So long as it's two-handed.
Bard: Ok, I summon a Giant-sized wooden tuba.
DM: But that's not two-handed.
Bard: For a giant it is.
s for whoever can guess what movie this line is based off of.Pirate Leader: Who are you to judge me?
Musashi: I am Bishamonten!
Three hints: Musashi simply replaced the word god with Bishamonten, Imagine the Dialogue in spainish, and it's from a cult film that's so bizarre that the phrase "Totally f*cked up" doesn't begin to describe it.
I already know how I'm going to do Giga Drill Breaker, in-game. And my DM has to allow it, because he's already had another party member do something similar to my plan below this:
- Have psionic float me about 50 feet into the air.
- Begin spinning the drill and using Greenflame Blade.
- Have a pre-set 'Enchant Magic Item' ritual go off, turning the drill from medium-sized to Giant-sized, the psionic dropping me as the drill grows.
- My character screaming the above line as the drill hits the ground and whatever else is in it.
And here's how I know that he'll allow it:
Bard: So, I can magically summon any instrument and have it last for a round?
DM: So long as it's two-handed.
Bard: Ok, I summon a Giant-sized wooden tuba.
DM: But that's not two-handed.
Bard: For a giant it is.
Just remember to go beyond the impossible, and kick reason to the curb!
Just remember to go beyond the impossible, and kick reason to the curb!
ROW, ROW, FIGHT DA POWAH!
Pirate Leader: Who are you to judge me?
Musashi: I am Bishamonten!
That would be El Topo, my friend.
so bizarre that the phrase "Totally f*cked up" doesn't begin to describe it.
From the beginning! All I have to say is, becoming a man or not, telling a kid to get rid of his toys, let alone bury them like they're dead, is wrong dammit! And it's downhill from there. ;)
And come on, is it too much to give the kid a pair of pants or a towel or something! Sheesh!
That would be El Topo, my friend.
That's correct. Honestly, there are no drugs powerful enough to make ANYONE think of that movie. Good film nonetheless though. You get the cookies.
Player : "You couldn't sneak up on a Cake."
That's a lie.
That's a lie.
The cake is a lie.
DM - Okay, you've managed to wipe out the last of the serpent men, but then you feel a rumbling in the ground that seems to come from within the step pyramid ...
Other player - We beat feet for the jungle!
DM - You don't get very far through the clearing toward the jungle when the top of the pyramid shatters. You see a huge serpent rise from the newly made ruin flapping bat-like wings, and it flies toward you rapidly.
Me - Uh, oh. The Yig is up.
That sort of thing isn't fair to more experianced Characters, who should be less likely to fumble. And gettign more attacks as you level up... what you roll should be affected to the better by the reflex save.
I humbly disagree.
I humbly disagree.
I agree with his humble disagree.
As for game funnies. We got our usual cast of:
Delvar deepts, male Dwarf infernal warlock,
Vivi Von rav, female Human cleric
Alpha, Unknown half elf paladin
Millie, female elf ranger
Deacon, male dragonborn rogue
So, having defeated the source of rising undead from the local cemetary, they are heading back to the town for rewards and rest when they are set upon by 4 hobgoblin archers spaced 4 squares appart in a semi circle and 2 pairs of hobgoblin soliders side by side with full concealment. The rogue leads the group alongside the ranger in the lead, the rogue goes to make his stealth check and...1. So, the moment the rogue stunbles over a branch I ask him to make a perception...8. So he is suprised as for hobgoblins full out charge him and STOP in a 4 square + withthe dragonborn in the middle, each one adjacent by diagonal square. The four perform phalanx and one commands. "We have the dragon. slaughter the rest." so throughout the fight the four soliders are trying to beat the rogue into cubmission, but only manage to land a blow a round between the 4 of them. The archers are keeping each of the others busy while the dragonborn is being dragged away 1 square at a time, finaly the dragonborn uses his breath weapon centered on himself and drops one of the hobgoblins to break out of the circle, whereupon the orders change to: "Forget her orders, drop them all and pick the dragon out of the pile!"
"Her?" says the rogue.
So a slaughter later the heroes are dragging away their hobgoblin loot they come upon the village, now in ruins with the houses being torn to pieces by 3 dozen goblins each with a prybar, they strip down the boards and run to the former tavern, now being built into a fort, hammering in the pried nail withthe same bar they just took the board with. Leading them all is a large female dragonborn, inimidating as she is goregous with wings ourstretched and firing off her breath weapon as a show of power.
the rogue stands dumbstruck at the highly (20) charismatic warlord and only mutters. "If they had said who they were taking me too in the first place, they would have had to run to keep up with me!."
from the peanut gallery came two memorable comments: "Dont forget which dagger to stab her with when you get up there." Followed by "I hope the DM allows for circumstancial subdual damage."
Female Character: "R ape is NOT a joke!"
Now I fear for my female character >_<.
It was harmless fun, don't be offended.
Me: Human Swordmage/Duskblade (3/3)
Monk: Human Monk with Vow of Silence (6)
Elf: Elven Rogue/Cleric (3/3)
Psion: Human Psion/Pyrokineticist (5/1)
Bard: Human Warlord/Bard (1/5)
So we are in the process of fighting off trogladites, and the monk is in serious trouble. The psion - in game - is the Monk's brother, and sees this:
Psion: I'm doing a 40 ft. burst from myself and I'm going to be hitting... 9 people total.
Elf: Wait, why 9?
DM: His burst hits EVERYTHING in the area, including party members.
Me: But won't that kill the Monk too?
Monk: She knows I can do this, and therefore can completely dodge it, even the half damage effect.
Me: Wait, half damage even on a miss?
DM: Yep.
Psion: *rolls, hits everyone but me and a trogladite* Ok, so that's *counts* 34 damage on everyone that got hit, 17 damage on you and the other trogladite.
Elf: Well, I'm at -9 now. Thanks.
Me: What's with you and the elf!? Seriously, stop trying to kill your party members.
So after we finish off the trogladites - and I dump a Cure Light Wounds potion on the Elf - we are trying to heal up while the Psion explores ahead more.
DM: So you reach the room and you see this *points to monster in the Monster Manual, shows it to Psion*
Psion: How many squares can I move in one turn?
DM: *counts* 10, if you run. That's a -5 to-
Psion: I beat foot back to my sister and Drow Sign out, "big green thing coming this way."
Me (OOC): Wait, big green thing? *looks at DM* Did you send an Ogre after us?
DM: No. It's a troll.
Me (OOC): Oh great, that's even better.
So as the troll reaches us, a loud, 2008-Jokerish laugh echoes throughout the corradors.
Bard: I put my left hand on the wall and walk out.
DM: It's dark.
Bard: That's why my left hand is on the wall; eventually it'll lead me out of here.
So the Psion does his exploding trick again, and KO's the Elf a second time. I dump another Cure Light Wounds potion on the Elf and hide behind the corner.
Psion: I use my burst attack again *rolls for Troll and Elf, nat 20s Troll, misses Elf* So that's... 41 damage.
DM: You add another 2d6 to that attack *rolls* You just did 46 damage to a monster that had 42 health left.
Elf: And I go down to -20 health.
Me: What's your bloodied value?
Elf: 23.
Me: So you're -3 points away from dying. *dumps last of my Cure Light Wounds potion onto the Elf* That's it. You get a "3 strikes, your out" deal with me. After this you're on your own.
So everyone else is in the process of leaving the cave. Everyone but me.
Me: Dancing Lights above my head, and I'm going back in the direction of the Psion.
Psion: When the Elf went down there we got Trogladites. When I went down there I brought back a Troll. What's you going down there for? A titan?
DM: No, titan's are a 24th level encounter. He's going after the Baby Black Dragon, that's a 4th level encounter.
Me: I'm just going to loot the Troll, that's all. If I bring back anything else I'm bringing him to the 'Breath of God' trap.
*side note: we encountered the Breath of God trap before the trogladites showed up*
So the game ends and the Psion is a bit mad at us.
Psion: So we've got a fighter who isn't a fighter, a rogue who can't pick locks, a cleric who can't heal and a bard who can't stay with his party to inspire them. The psion is the nuke and the monk is barely good enough to do anything. We've got 4 different people to make up the 5th character slot.
DM: *points to me* He actually plays a fighter pretty well. It's just that you all run away before he can hit anything.
Me: And we've got a psion who blows up his party members. Seriously, stop doing that!
as a pickup game since our normal one was missing people, i normally run KotS if our DM or part of the group can't make it.
Splug & Balgron the Fat in KotS **SPOILER WARNING... SORT OF**
the group had just rescued poor Splug and only the Warlord (who wasn't there) actually treated him like an equal and friend. the ranger openly threatened the poor goblin, the warlock made tongue-in cheek jokes about exploding him and the cleric seemed to be nice but whispered words of... caution... to the goblin.
needless to say, Splug wasn't sure whether he safer with the Hobgoblin Gimp or the party.
they had Splug explain to them what was in the area 4 (storage room & balgron's chambers). since the enemies had heard the combat they had readied themselves to swarm out of the rooms to attack the PC's once combat started. the PC's however stealthed & jammed the doors shut (oh pitons, how we love thee), effectively locking the enemies in their hiding areas.
they then went after balgron while splug was busy hiding under a table, afraid of what either side would do should he pick up arms. the group managed to surprise the sentry in balgron's room and almost drop him, though he ran behind the curtains and alerted his boss.
the cleric went behind the curtains and kept balgron occupied as the warlock finished the guard who darted out of the curtains to cover behind one of the beds this is a paraphrase of the events
ME(dm): alright, the goblin darts from behind the curtain, javelin in hand, to the side of the bed, tosses it at the ranger (miss) and crouches down, gaining some cover
Ranger: alright, i fire 2 arrows at the goblin (2 misses)
Warlock: that's a bed right? i light it on fire as a standard, then run up and flip the bed on the goblin next to it
ME: alright, roll and see what happens
Warlock: *rolls* nice.
ME: Goblin screams as you flip the flaming bed onto it, pinning the goblin on the gound below it (some crushing & fire damage).
Cleric: sheild of faith on the pudgy one... and miss
ME:goblin's turn, it takes some ongoing fire, move to roll out of there & move to extinguish the fire. Balgron's turn, darts back a few feet and quickly draws his crossbow... lodging a bolt in the cleric
(all this time the barred doors are being attempted to be forced open... no goblin is able to roll over 7 it seems)
Ranger: i do some cover fire for the cleric... 2 hits.
ME: Balgron now readily notices your presence on the field (1/4 his HP done in damage)
Warlock: the bed is still burning, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: and the goblin is right next to me, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: and i have some fire resistance, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: and i can pickup the bed, ignore the heat from it, smother the goblin in burning bed, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: awesome *rolls*. i walk in the middle of it and laugh maniacally
ME: alright. you grab the flaming wreck of a bed, pinning the poor goblin, who's writhing on the ground & nursing his burn wounds under it's weight. it squeals in pain as you walk over it, laughing at it. it's cries stop as his body becomes limp.
ME: Balgron (who's still behind the curtain) sees this horrid shadow play of one of his minions being crushed and burned as flames lick across the curtains. Cleric, it's your turn. you see Balgron's face turn pale as he sees this private show unfurl before him
Warlock: can i make an intimidate?
ME: it's pretty appropriate at this time.
Warlock: *rolls* :D
ME: he's scared
Cleric: shield of faith... yes!
ME: alright, balgron grips his club (described as table leg) and goes in full defense
Ranger: same thing, cover fire for the cleric, doors are holding up?
ME: two hits, and yes
Warlock: how much wreckage is there left?
ME: it's smoldering, but most of it is still there (only been a 2 rounds, or 12 seconds)
Warlock: i grab what i can and run behind the curtains and take a swing at Balgron... *miss* you know... swinging this bed isn't too a good idea... i don't think i'm proficient with it...
ME: yeah, balgron is a bit tougher then the flunkies (who were in just really bad positions, and the warlock kept rolling 18+ after 1/2 lvl & str on his previous flaming bed attacks).
the fight ends with balgron getting pinned in a corner and mauled. the party eventually gets flooded by minions after setting up a defensive barrier, which the warlock's "armor of agathys" makes quick work of. they currently have Balgron's fat head on his "club".
the party notices that Splug had probably left the area when the screams of pain and horror started.
the group had just rescued poor Splug and only the Warlord (who wasn't there) actually treated him like an equal and friend. the ranger openly threatened the poor goblin, the warlock made tongue-in cheek jokes about exploding him and the cleric seemed to be nice but whispered words of... caution... to the goblin.
needless to say, Splug wasn't sure whether he safer with the Hobgoblin Gimp or the party.
they had Splug explain to them what was in the area 4 (storage room & balgron's chambers). since the enemies had heard the combat they had readied themselves to swarm out of the rooms to attack the PC's once combat started. the PC's however stealthed & jammed the doors shut (oh pitons, how we love thee), effectively locking the enemies in their hiding areas.
they then went after balgron while splug was busy hiding under a table, afraid of what either side would do should he pick up arms. the group managed to surprise the sentry in balgron's room and almost drop him, though he ran behind the curtains and alerted his boss.
the cleric went behind the curtains and kept balgron occupied as the warlock finished the guard who darted out of the curtains to cover behind one of the beds this is a paraphrase of the events
ME(dm): alright, the goblin darts from behind the curtain, javelin in hand, to the side of the bed, tosses it at the ranger (miss) and crouches down, gaining some cover
Ranger: alright, i fire 2 arrows at the goblin (2 misses)
Warlock: that's a bed right? i light it on fire as a standard, then run up and flip the bed on the goblin next to it
ME: alright, roll and see what happens
Warlock: *rolls* nice.
ME: Goblin screams as you flip the flaming bed onto it, pinning the goblin on the gound below it (some crushing & fire damage).
Cleric: sheild of faith on the pudgy one... and miss
ME:goblin's turn, it takes some ongoing fire, move to roll out of there & move to extinguish the fire. Balgron's turn, darts back a few feet and quickly draws his crossbow... lodging a bolt in the cleric
(all this time the barred doors are being attempted to be forced open... no goblin is able to roll over 7 it seems)
Ranger: i do some cover fire for the cleric... 2 hits.
ME: Balgron now readily notices your presence on the field (1/4 his HP done in damage)
Warlock: the bed is still burning, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: and the goblin is right next to me, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: and i have some fire resistance, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: and i can pickup the bed, ignore the heat from it, smother the goblin in burning bed, right?
ME: yes...
Warlock: awesome *rolls*. i walk in the middle of it and laugh maniacally
ME: alright. you grab the flaming wreck of a bed, pinning the poor goblin, who's writhing on the ground & nursing his burn wounds under it's weight. it squeals in pain as you walk over it, laughing at it. it's cries stop as his body becomes limp.
ME: Balgron (who's still behind the curtain) sees this horrid shadow play of one of his minions being crushed and burned as flames lick across the curtains. Cleric, it's your turn. you see Balgron's face turn pale as he sees this private show unfurl before him
Warlock: can i make an intimidate?
ME: it's pretty appropriate at this time.
Warlock: *rolls* :D
ME: he's scared
Cleric: shield of faith... yes!
ME: alright, balgron grips his club (described as table leg) and goes in full defense
Ranger: same thing, cover fire for the cleric, doors are holding up?
ME: two hits, and yes
Warlock: how much wreckage is there left?
ME: it's smoldering, but most of it is still there (only been a 2 rounds, or 12 seconds)
Warlock: i grab what i can and run behind the curtains and take a swing at Balgron... *miss* you know... swinging this bed isn't too a good idea... i don't think i'm proficient with it...
ME: yeah, balgron is a bit tougher then the flunkies (who were in just really bad positions, and the warlock kept rolling 18+ after 1/2 lvl & str on his previous flaming bed attacks).
the fight ends with balgron getting pinned in a corner and mauled. the party eventually gets flooded by minions after setting up a defensive barrier, which the warlock's "armor of agathys" makes quick work of. they currently have Balgron's fat head on his "club".
the party notices that Splug had probably left the area when the screams of pain and horror started.
Scene #1
An Ogre comes walking down the street, pulling a cart in which there are two hobgoblin archers. As for ourselves, we've just run out of a burning building, still injured from our previous fight.
The player who's got the pleasure of playing the only Defender of the group was late. 2,5 hours late, actually. So this encounter was going to be rough, that much was obvious.
I, a dragonborn warlord, decide that I'm basically the closest thing we've got to a tank at the moment and move to engage the ogre, blowing my daily power against it. The Ogre responds by knocking me straight into the negatives.
Me (OOC): "Well, that went about as expected."
The fight went worse from then on. Our cleric and our warlord (me) kept getting people back on their feet, when they dropped, but 90% of the fight was fought with every partymember bloodied. Our ranger just dropped for the third time during the encounter.
Ranger (OOC): Should I re-roll as an artificer or another defender? Can't quite decide.
DM: Hey, you're not dead yet.
Me: Besides, true heroes never die!
so, my vote's on artificer.And then of course the hilarity with our Dwarven Fighter dealing more damage on a miss than most of us do on a hit. I don't know if that shows how powerful he is or how weak we are?
"I turn into a shark!" he said, defiantly.
"Fine," I said. "It's fresh water, sharks need salt water. You die. Some animal expert you are."
He just looked at me, dumbfounded, as everyone else in the room howled with laughter.
Had a player who loved to shapeshift. The party got into a scuffle with a wyvern near a river. The shapeshifting guy had REALLY been getting on our nerves that day (as he often did) and the wyvern grabbed him and dropped him into the river.
"I turn into a shark!" he said, defiantly.
"Fine," I said. "It's fresh water, sharks need salt water. You die. Some animal expert you are."
He just looked at me, dumbfounded, as everyone else in the room howled with laughter.
There are fresh water sharks.
some animal expert you are.
and where-sharks are just plain awesome, even though he wasn't one, he gets cool points by osmosis. you don't, you were in fact arbitrary and infantile with that one.
PC
to hole) ok,will you please stop trying to have us fall in you? Please???DM: The hole nods
All:WHAT??!?!?!?!
Had a player who loved to shapeshift. The party got into a scuffle with a wyvern near a river. The shapeshifting guy had REALLY been getting on our nerves that day (as he often did) and the wyvern grabbed him and dropped him into the river.
"I turn into a shark!" he said, defiantly.
"Fine," I said. "It's fresh water, sharks need salt water. You die. Some animal expert you are."
He just looked at me, dumbfounded, as everyone else in the room howled with laughter.
Here, have a regurgicated cookie.
There are fresh water sharks.
some animal expert you are.
and where-sharks are just plain awesome, even though he wasn't one, he gets cool points by osmosis. you don't, you were in fact arbitrary and infantile with that one.
This.
You do realize your job as an avid member of the hobby, and doubly-so as DM, is to promote our hobby, so that it may grow, right? We kind of decided a while back that if we're not elitists inherently, then more people will join the hobby, increasing the odds that true talent will join our ranks, float to the top, and get jobs making materials for our hobby, where-by we all benefit.
What you did is probably the worst way a DM can handle a player, period. Even if the player is annoying. That's the sort of thing that runs off players, which, as is implied above, is more likely to hurt us than help us.
Not a best line, not now, not ever. No cookie for you.
Doomsought, on the other hand,
OK, look, perhaps the moment didn't come across properly the way I described it. After his dumbfoundedness was over, even he laughed about it. The group I game with has been friends for over 13 years and we're more like family than friends. It was an amusing moment to all of us that we still laugh about 8 years later. Also, I didn't hurt Dungeons and Dragons as a hobby or anything like that as some of you are insinuating.
One thing I'm not going to stand around and take is being called a bad DM. I've never had a single player in any of my games over 15 years complain about how I run my games. They've always had fun, which is why we're still gaming together. I work hard to make my games fun for others. If they've stayed with me as a DM for 13 years, I think I'm doing somehting right.
Also, are all of you going to tell me you've never used your DM God-powers to smite a player who's being a pain? If that's your claim, I don't believe you.
Dateline: Ravenloft
The party was preparing to do battle with an undead dire wolf that was terrorizing the town. They had met with the local Vistani lady and she informed them that they did not possess anything that could harm the wolf and that they would have to search for a more powerful weapon first (they had no wizard at the time).
That night, they encountered the wolf. Most of the party runs, but the party fighter (who has momentary lapses of reason at times) said, "I turn and charge!"
We all looked at each other and blinked. When he rolled his first attack, I just said, "Your sword bounces off its flesh as though it were armor. You remember now what the Vistani told you."
He just looked at me and said, "Oh yeah...sorry Mr. Wolf!" then started laughing at himself as he ran and climbed up a tree and sat there all night with the wolf at the base of the tree.
There are fresh water sharks.
some animal expert you are.
true, but the standard template is a great white, which is a saltwater shark
true, but the standard template is a great white, which is a saltwater shark
The whole point is moot, it takes several hours for a saltwater gilled creature to die in freshwater; they can still get some O2 out of the water before their gills give out from the strain. it is just very uncomfortable and i'd have given the guy a -2 to everything for the duration.
Also, are all of you going to tell me you've never used your DM God-powers to smite a player who's being a pain? If that's your claim, I don't believe you.
Smite? No. Annoy? Hell yes.
One of my players got his girlfriend involved. This was her first game.
Tiefling Rogue
Half Elf Paladin
Elven Ranger
Dwarf Fighter
Human Wizard (DMCP, became a plot device)
So after a hard day of battling orcs in the forest, they take respite from an approaching storm. They are essentially hanging out in a cave like structure as the rain pours down.
Me: One person gets to roll perception
Ranger: I roll....28
Me: As lightning flashes in the distance, you see three shadowy figures shambling in your direction. The stench of death permeates the air.
Of course, the monsters appear. Now, when I introduce a new monster to the campaign, I describe it instead of just saying "three ghouls appear."
Me: They walk into the cave. Their skin is mottled and gray. Their hands are distorted into claws. Wearing little in the way of clothing, their eyes are wild and their faces are covered in the blood of their most recent feast. Roll initiative everyone.
*everyone rolls, Paladin is first*
Paladin: I'm going to be diplomatic. (Keep in mind, her first game.)
Me:-0_o Okay
Paladin: I move up here so I am in front of them (Just one square outside OoP, fyi)
Elf: *snickers to himself*
Paladin: I try and make friends with them. Rolls, gets 27.
Me: (trying to hold it in) I don't just accept rolls. You get the result, but you have to roleplay it.
Paladin: Alright. Welcome friends. Come share our fire. We have plenty here for you to eat.
Me: (Dying inside) Okay, is that all you do this turn?
Paladin: Yes
Me: Okay, they take you up on your offer. (First one attacks her, second one grabs her, third one tries to bite her.)
Later on, I asked the Tiefling what she was thinking. He tells me she wanted to role play a friendly paladin who attempts to resolve conflict through diplomacy.
I just laughed and told him to tell her that was okay, but next time she should just ask me what was attacking them before doing something like that.
The thought of a Paladin inviting evil undead ghouls into the camp to share their fire was classic. For every encounter after that...
Me: Roll initiative
Someone else: Hey taya, try and be friends with them!
This happened this past tuesday. Im playing an anthropomorphic baleen whale, and I go to the pub in a High elvin city. We had lost one of our party members to a mind flayers plane shift ability, so the player's new charicter was in the pub. This charicter is very confused, with 4 different classes, and he likes to cast prestiditation.
confused: I cast prestidigitation to make him smell like flowers.
me: "Damnit! Now I smell like an elf."
All the elves in the pub glare at me.
confused: I cast it again to turn him pink.
me: "I hate you."
its Marluxia!
ok here is one
in the middle of a battle with kobalds:
Dm(to rogue): congadulations the you succesfully convinced the Kobald in front of you that he is a flying Squirell
Also, are all of you going to tell me you've never used your DM God-powers to smite a player who's being a pain? If that's your claim, I don't believe you.
Seriously? The only time I did was when I was GMing stuff for the first time, when I was like 9-10 years old and GMing Rifts and other Palladium RPG stuff. So I can't claim I never did it, but I can claim I I've never used my DM God-powers, since I technically did it as a GM. And I was also a little kid at the time, which shows the maturity level of something like that.
That said, some groups either a) don't mind or b) actually like DMs like that, and DMing like that, so to say it hurts the hobby is ridiculous.
But yeah, seriously, haven't done that sort of thing since I was a preteen noob Game Master, and have never done it as a Dungeon Master for a D&D game. The closest I come to that is retiring/"goodbye forever"/killing off a character whose player has had to leave the group, and only after discussing it with the player to make it the most believable exit from the group given the circumstances.
One of the characters was a female dragonborn fighter wielding a greataxe.
When she kept getting targeted by the eye tyrant she wondered aloud why and the DM responded with something like "Well you are the only one with a large threatening looking weapon."
To which she responded without missing a beat - "That's weaponism."
I think we all laughed for like 10 minutes.
My Sig is the only one I can think about right now, but I know there's others knockin' away in the ol' noggin'.
Your sig needs to be smaller. That, or use spoiler tags.
On another note lines from games what it being the topic and all.
In a home-brew, I had created a random encounter for the party I DM for in which they are beset by a gnome. Enter Scene.
You are traveling north to the great city of Hantiers when Grom (the PC half-orc CG barbarian roughly lvl 10) senses that they are being watched. Before anyone can react, a small (Yes, even small for a gnome) gnome jumps out.
Gnome (NPC): Give me yo' money man and make it quick before I cuts ya all up and kills ya dead!
Nimbletrot (the CN rogue halfling PC) and Grom stare at eachother.
Nimbletrot: "So uh...you want me to deal with this or..."
Grom: "Grom talk sense to gnome."
Grom pumps himself up, "You puny gnome! Go now or Grom show you how last name Bash'em made!" *Intimidate check = 25*
*DM Rolls a 27*
Gnome: "Did you not hear me?!? Are you one half orc and one half idiot? I've have bowel movements larger than you! Now give me the money!"
Grom (OOC): Oh you know I'm raging on this little jerk.
DM:
All righty.Grom: GROM BASH'EM! *Attempts to grapple* Rolls a 23
*DM Rolls a 26*
Grom (OOC): "No friggin' way!"
DM: The gnome uses your weight to throw you aside and then pins you on the ground. "Yeah, not so tough now you fat sack of floundering meat! You sure you ain't half fairy?"
Grom: (OOC) He's going down. (IC)*Yell of rage as he attempts to break grapple. Rolls a nat. 2 which the gnome easily defeats.*
Grom (OOC): "What the hell is going on!?!"
DM: The gnome stuffs your head in the dirt, kicks sand in your face and then grabs one of your hands and uses it to smack Grom's cheeks while chanting, "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!"
Long story short, the gnome, after throwing some more cheeky remarks says something to the effect of "You ain't worth my time." Afterwards, this conversation transpired.
Nimbletrot: "You sure talked some sense into the gnome. I'm sure that he's learned his lesson and that he's totally resigned his life of cri..."
Grom (OOC): I go into a rage and punt Nimbletrot into the river. *Rolls nat. 20*
Nimbletrot:
DM: Although briefly infuriated, Nimbletrot's screams of abject terror fading off into the distance, ending only with a barely audible splash makes Grom go to where ever Grom finds his happy place.
The whole point is moot, it takes several hours for a saltwater gilled creature to die in freshwater; they can still get some O2 out of the water before their gills give out from the strain. it is just very uncomfortable and i'd have given the guy a -2 to everything for the duration.
Correct. Even if he turned into a saltwater shark, he would hardly die instantly or anything. He would lose salt through osmosis (or bloat through water absorption, I always forget which way the osmosis goes) and die after a long period of time. It would be appropriate to make him make constitution checks over time if he insisted on staying there, or to cause him some minor inconvenience due to the irritation of his gills (similar to a trog's stench, for example), but instant death? You're just being a jerk.
For that matter, it's magic and could be reasonably expected to adjust for such issues, at DM's option.
I'd be dumbfounded, too, if I used one of my class abilities and the DM decided I died instantly for doing exactly what it says on the page in front of me. Especially when it's my primary schtick. You could've just as well said, "A huge rock plummets out of the sky and crushes your skull. You're dead. No, I don't care how many HP you had left."
Also, are all of you going to tell me you've never used your DM God-powers to smite a player who's being a pain? If that's your claim, I don't believe you.
Whether you believe it or not, it's true. I haven't. The closest thing to "smiting" I've ever done was to decide which side of a stone door had the hinges so it couldn't be "kicked in", as the player kept (irritatingly) saying. (Essentially, he tried to push the door marked "PULL".)
What do people in Underdark call our world?
DM:
A$$holes.
...
...
...
Player 2:
Well that is all they see.
Pardon me gents, thought I did have the spoiler buttons up. I'll just leave technology to the dwarves then.
On another note lines from games what it being the topic and all.
In a home-brew, I had created a random encounter for the party I DM for in which they are beset by a gnome. Enter Scene.
You are traveling north to the great city of Hantiers when Grom (the PC half-orc CG barbarian roughly lvl 10) senses that they are being watched. Before anyone can react, a small (Yes, even small for a gnome) gnome jumps out.
Gnome (NPC): Give me yo' money man and make it quick before I cuts ya all up and kills ya dead!
Nimbletrot (the CN rogue halfling PC) and Grom stare at eachother.
Nimbletrot: "So uh...you want me to deal with this or..."
Grom: "Grom talk sense to gnome."
Grom pumps himself up, "You puny gnome! Go now or Grom show you how last name Bash'em made!" *Intimidate check = 25*
*DM Rolls a 27*
Gnome: "Did you not hear me?!? Are you one half orc and one half idiot? I've have bowel movements larger than you! Now give me the money!"
Grom (OOC): Oh you know I'm raging on this little jerk.
DM:
Grom: GROM BASH'EM! *Attempts to grapple* Rolls a 23
*DM Rolls a 26*
Grom (OOC): "No friggin' way!"
DM: The gnome uses your weight to throw you aside and then pins you on the ground. "Yeah, not so tough now you fat sack of floundering meat! You sure you ain't half fairy?"
Grom: (OOC) He's going down. (IC)*Yell of rage as he attempts to break grapple. Rolls a nat. 2 which the gnome easily defeats.*
Grom (OOC): "What the hell is going on!?!"
DM: The gnome stuffs your head in the dirt, kicks sand in your face and then grabs one of your hands and uses it to smack Grom's cheeks while chanting, "Stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself!"
Long story short, the gnome, after throwing some more cheeky remarks says something to the effect of "You ain't worth my time." Afterwards, this conversation transpired.
Nimbletrot: "You sure talked some sense into the gnome. I'm sure that he's learned his lesson and that he's totally resigned his life of cri..."
Grom (OOC): I go into a rage and punt Nimbletrot into the river. *Rolls nat. 20*
Nimbletrot:
DM: Although briefly infuriated, Nimbletrot's screams of abject terror fading off into the distance, ending only with a barely audible splash makes Grom go to where ever Grom finds his happy place.
Grom sad. Not Grom fault dice hate Grom.
Correct. Even if he turned into a saltwater shark, he would hardly die instantly or anything. He would lose salt through osmosis (or bloat through water absorption, I always forget which way the osmosis goes) and die after a long period of time. It would be appropriate to make him make constitution checks over time if he insisted on staying there, or to cause him some minor inconvenience due to the irritation of his gills (similar to a trog's stench, for example), but instant death? You're just being a jerk.
For that matter, it's magic and could be reasonably expected to adjust for such issues, at DM's option.
I'd be dumbfounded, too, if I used one of my class abilities and the DM decided I died instantly for doing exactly what it says on the page in front of me. Especially when it's my primary schtick. You could've just as well said, "A huge rock plummets out of the sky and crushes your skull. You're dead. No, I don't care how many HP you had left."
Whether you believe it or not, it's true. I haven't. The closest thing to "smiting" I've ever done was to decide which side of a stone door had the hinges so it couldn't be "kicked in", as the player kept (irritatingly) saying. (Essentially, he tried to push the door marked "PULL".)
QFT
The only smiting I will do involve giving a paly free smites or involve a paly in the city guard giving out some smiting.
DM says it's cool, but we have to get the goblins to come to the door, so I, who happens to know the goblin language, have to shout something. I get a 19 on my Diplomacy check, so in Goblin, I shout "I GOT THE BOOZE!!!" Goblin opens the door, gets a faceful of necrotic short sword. Needless to say, much stabbing and burning happened after that.
Human Cleric
Tiefling Warlock
Dragonborn Fighter
Eladrin Wizard
As a foreword, our fighter has an obsession with cats. He always has one in his backpack.
Party had just won a fight inside a chapel against some Lizardfolk. There was a door in the northeast corner of the building.
Fighter: Okay, I tie a rope around my cats tail and begin to spin him in circles.
Everyone: O_O
Fighter: I let go of the rope and Captain Salty (his cat) flies towards the door at high speed.
DM(Me): Your cat explodes as it hits the door...
Fighter: I slowly reel the rope back in.... I realize my mistake.
Everyone:
*Party opens to door to find a priest and his two children inside*
Kids: Hungryy....
Fighter: I want to make a Bluff Check to make the kids think the cat remains are food. (Rolls a 22)
Kids: Mmm food.
Priest: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?
*Fighter goes on to insult the priest inside the chapel while the rest of the party finds out about the raid on the town. As the are heading out of town with the priest in tow...*
Fighter: I take the bottom half of my cat and put it on top of the priests head like a hat.
Priest:
*Fighter then gets struck by lightning for ******* off the priest's god*
Everyone:
The rogue had found a stone of alarm, and when asked to provide a activation phrase for the device he gave it "Coach K" and his explanation was that this item makes a loud screeching sound only when disturbed.
Later on, our group was pursuing a mage who had hired a pair of harpy archers to slay our warlock. They had attacked our party from afar and were singing songs of charm but in the end we managed to shoot one from the sky and as it hit the ground we got a good look at it. Our rogue pipes up "Wow what an ugly screamer.. must be a Duke cheerleader"
Needless to say the ranger wasn't too unhappy when in the next battle he rolled a 1 on his attack and put an arrow through the leg of the rogue.
i was captured by slavers paralized and stripped of all my posessions they then tied me up and tossed me in the hold of there ship i managed to untie myself and left the rest of the ocupants of the hold bond and gagged where they were and jumped over the side of the ship ass i was jumping i yelled out " sucks to be you!" and i hit the water made a roll of 20 on my swim check and made it to the shore safely only to find a group of 5 lizard men i was then beaten and sold to the same slaver i managed to sneak away from earlier and was shipwrecked on an island shortly after
Shawn - i examine the sword
DM - roll a history check
shawn - *rolls a 1* damn, do i still remember anything about it.
DM - you remember a time when you picked up the sword and examined it...
Delvar deeps, male Dwarf infernal warlock,
Vivi Von rav, female Human cleric
Alpha, Unknown half elf paladin
Millie, female elf ranger
Deacon, male dragonborn rogue
Having survived the female dragonborn warlord and her band of 40 goblins by sheer diplomacey and the offering of the Deacon's virginity, we are allowed to rest, recuperate, and prepare for the next part of the journey...
Alpha: So, where does the map want us to go next?
Vivi: it says to go to "Ash Mountain" its a small dot on the lake in the thundermountain range.
Millie: *rolls nature check* That is dwarven territory, Hey Delvar, you know anything about this?
Delvar: ...I'm going to go get a drink. *note here that delvar never drinks alcohol*
Millie & Alpha: I follow!
DM you two get to the bar to see deacon order 'something strong' to which the goblin reaches under the bar and pours out something green and chunky, seeing the other heroes approaching the goblin leaves the bottle on the bar and runs for cover.
Millie takes seat on delvars right: you know something, spill.
Delvar: ...the goblin already spilled the drink, does that count?
Alpha sits on delvars left: *rolls for an intimidate, ties with delvars will defense, tie goes to defender* Do not comprimise us for your damn dwarven stubbornness, tell us now!
Delvar now verry upset and almost intimidated* HELLISH REBUKE ON THE BOOZE! *rolls a natural 20, all the bottles on the back of the bar go up in multi-colored flames*
Alpha: Damnit delvar cut it out *Dramatic slap*
DM As you slap delvar the hellish rebuke flares up again, this time all the flames turn purple and black as the glass shatters.
Delvar:...*hops down from the bar and walks away to the outhouse.*
Millie: (ooc: Not to beat two dead horses here, But do dwarven females still have beards and PMS in 4th edition?)
Me *to another party member*: I've had a LOOOOOONG day.
Party Member: Well, I have rum, want it?
Me: Sure.
DM: How much is that?
Me (OOC): Well, since he's a large creature, probably a gallon's worth. I'll drink half of it.
DM: Roll me a Fortitude save.
Me: *rolls* Nat 20. Suck on that!
DM: You just drank a half-gallon of rum and avoided alcohol poisoning. But when you wake up in the morning you'll have one HELL of a headache.
Me: I already have one now; it can't get any worse for me.
It should be of note that I had crappy rolls the entire night and just overall suckage while everyone else did really well with their rolls.
Show
Taylor: "We found this gnome hook-hammer at the scene of a crime and you're the only gnome weapon seller in town. Know if this was one of your wares?"
Shopkeeper: "Yes, yes I do recall selling such a thing to a gnome a week ago. He was accompanied by a few followers of Bane."
Max: "Who's Bane?"
Lia: "You don't have Bane in your world? He's only a really evil god of the nastiest profanities."
Max: "Like, what kind of evil profanities are we talking about here?"
Dorn: "Okay, imagine yourself being kicked in the crotch by a +2 Boot of Punting. That's Bane."
Max: "...?"
Kard: "Allow me to demonstrate." (Kicks Max in the crotch)
Max: "Ahhhhggllll!!"
Dorn: "Yeah, that's about right."
Lia: "I think we should go now..."
Shopkeeper: "I wonder if I can charge money for this kind of entertainment?"
so, this week we got the same cast::
Delvar deeps, male Dwarf infernal warlock,
Vivi Von rav, female Human cleric
Alpha, Unknown half elf paladin
Millie, female elf ranger
Deacon, male dragonborn rogue
I want to know what happened to Deacon. /:D
We had several players, myself, a buddy of mine playing a cleric with a Scythe, the DM's girlfriend, a friend of their's, and the DM had a pali NPC.
DM-The Paladin speaks calmly, "Well then, shall we get moving?"
DM's GF-"Yes lets."
Everyone else just nods.
DM-"Alright you all arrive at the stables."
Me-"I immediately go to the the strongest looking horse."
DM-"Roll an intelligence check."
Me-"...." Rolls, leans over and whisper's the total to the DM.
DM-"You pick a sickly looking mule." Turns to GF "You know this will slow you down greatly."
GF-"I try to convince him to take an actual horse."
DM-"... Jon, what was your total again."
Me-"Brooke you fail miserably..."
Encounter with several drow.
DM-"Roll iniatives"
Gets near the end of the encounter. My friend attacks.
MF-"Critical fail...."
DM-"You hit yourself with your scythe."
Me-"Foolish clerics, what good are ya?" Rolls to kill off the second to last drow. "21 and-"
Other Player-"Hey wait... what the hell happened to the paladin?"
DM-"Uhhhh.... He's just off chillin' over here."
After encounter I lean over to the cleric-"I think you and your god need to have a talk about his paladins..."
DM-"Your mule keels over."
Me, IC-"Poor horse. Time to be puttin' it outta it's misery me thinks." Attacks with a +1 Warhammer of Lightning. Rolls a 20 and max damage.
DM-"It's head explodes."
Brooke-"Oh my god what the hell? I cast detect evil on him."
Me-"No, I really am that dumb."
DM-"Yeah, he is, you detect nothing."
Brooke-Steals char sheet and stares.... "Oh my gosh.... you have a 4 intellect
"Me-"But I have a 20 strength and a 20 con.... and my warhammers obliterate things..."
A later encounter.
Me-"Is there any loot on them?
Brooke-"They're giant praying mantis things..."
DM-"How hard do you look?"
Me-"... Thiggledor walks up to the creature's bodies and begins ripping them apart, throwing blood, tissue, and chitin everywhere, literally mutilating the bodies in search of any form of loot."
DM-"You're now covered in filth, and suffer a -6 charisma check penalty."
Me-"Now I'm dumb, and no one loves me. I walk up to Brooke's character."
DM-"He smells horrible. Like beyond horrible."
Brooke-"I gag and back away."
Another one. At another DM's game one of the guys kept getting hit over and over and over, and was always KO'd at the end of every fight. We had a half-orc barb whom was dumb as a rock, named Krug, and my Sorceror named Danses.
DM busy talking OOC with a couple of friends, so I lean over to Krug's player.
Me, IC-"Krug, think that dumb rogue will get his arse hammered again."
Krug-"Krug think so." Looks at bunny. "Fluffy agree."
Rogue overhears and leans over-"Care to place a bet on that?"
Wizard looks over-"What're we betting on?"
Me-"Krug and I are betting that this fool gets himself hammered the next batch of trouble we find-again."
Wizard-"Thirty gold."
Me-"Three hundred."
Rogue-"A hundred, each."
Krug-"Krug bet many shineys... and rights to use you as weapon."
Okay, these come from a LONG running campaign, "Joyous Roguery," where all the PCs are members of a gang of thieves in the medieval city of Jarlsheim. It went on so long it had a rolling cast call... new people would join as old people would drop out. And we ROUTINELY did the bizarre and the hysterical.
There were a lot of different gang members. My own was Honest McGillicuddy, a gnomish rogue who was later transformed accidentally into a talking raccoon (just roll with it.) Meet at a tavern? we OWNED a tavern--- the Cloak and Dagger, which consequently became a magnet for Weird....
This first collection of quotes comes from around christmastime, back in 2006...
Felderham: ((NEw character. If she annoys ye, McCGillicuddy her =P))
Felderham: ...Tell me, you ever pour rum and sugar over raisins and light them on fire?
Honest_McGillicuddy: Not on purpose, no.
Felderham: ...Snapdragon, they call that. Have to grab the raisins out of the fire. It was invented by people who hate children and want to raise arsonists.
Felderham: In any case, it's a tradtional Yuletide game. If I thought the regulars wouldn't burn the pub down, I'd instigate it.
Felderham: We ought to decorate the pub. Go steal some decorations
Honest_McGillicuddy: why ruddy bovver?
* Honest_McGillicuddy proceeds to presti the counter a festive pattern in red and green.
* Honest_McGillicuddy tosses in a few handfuls of presti'd glitter and tinsel.
Honest_McGillicuddy: voi-friggin-la.
Felderham: In any case, we'll need a tree.
Felderham: I'm sure some park'll have one.
* Honest_McGillicuddy ponders whilst he proceeds to presti tacky christmas decorations.
* Honest_McGillicuddy reels off some cheap garland rope while he thinks it over.
Honest_McGillicuddy: hmmmmm
Rurik_Ungart: Aye, could always go chop a tree down and hope we dinnae get molested by vines...
Rurik_Ungart: Grumblemutterbloodydryadsgrumble.
* Honest_McGillicuddy drapes some of the garland around the tusks of his elephant-skull throne. Father Christmas meets Shaka Zulu.
* Rurik_Ungart walks past the piles, grumbling. "Bloody freezin' me arse off this mornin', pilin' up bloody slush, grumble mutter gripe grumble."
Honest_McGillicuddy: ah stifle, ye old plank-walker. Ye think YE got it bad? Try being two feet tall wi' a furry tail and arse!
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oi spends 'alf an hour after gettin anywheres waitin for the icicles hangin off me bum to melt.
Felderham: [I suppose you could use the regeneration spell to get an Honest-fur coat without killing him. Disadvantage: He'd kill you.]
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((no, he'd make you WISH you were dead. THEN he'd kill you at a later date.))
Felderham: Soon ye arrive at the Botanic Gardens. A rather fat, bearded fellow dressed in white druidic robes stands in front of them, hawking admission.
* Rurik_Ungart looks over the fellow and then over to Honest, wondering how this one will go.
Norton: *Whisper* Does admission cost anything?
Honest_McGillicuddy: 'ow much is admission?
Selen: ((obviously, if it's being hawked))
Druid: Come one, come all! Only one quid for admission.
Norton: ((you'd be suprised what gardens and museums go through to get people to show up))
* Honest_McGillicuddy draws his crossbow and shoots the druid
Druid: ...Now, why exactly did you go and do that, boyo?
Honest_McGillicuddy: prolly to distract you.
* Norton reaches the others shortly
Norton: Is there a problem?
Druid: *You find them near the sign labelled "Assassin Vine - stay back"
* Honest_McGillicuddy curses in four different languages. Several nearby plants wilt.
* Honest_McGillicuddy tosses a twofer into the plant's roots
Druid: [Roll damage]
Honest_McGillicuddy: !1d6:fire damage
DMBot: [Honest_McGillicuddy] "fire damage" Result(s): 14(6) 6
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((and cue the smokescreen))
Druid: ...It's an interesting thing about Assassin vines. They sense vibration. They don't use sight.
Honest_McGillicuddy: oh (bleep) you, Farmer Green Jeans
Druid: The vine begins squeezing Honest.
Honest_McGillicuddy: *buggy-eyes*
Honest_McGillicuddy: TWO CHOICES, DRUID--- GET YOUR DAMNED PLANT OFFA ME OR SPEND THE REST O YER LIFE TRYING TO MAKE SEEDLIN'S GROW ON CHARRED EARTH!
June: ((I don't think he got the one about not threatening druids))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((you didnt get the one about not threatening McGillicuddys. There are already platoons of NPCs in therapy thanks to him. :D))
Druid: "I mean, I CAN command plants, but it seems rude, you know."
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((that's it. dead druid.))
* Honest_McGillicuddy gets out his rope, hogties and gags the druid, and looks for the signs pointing to the redneck trees. (for those who don't get the reference.... think "Deliverance.")
Honest_McGillicuddy: not even CLOSE to bloody interesting enough.
Honest_McGillicuddy: How high is the damned ceiling in here?
Druid: [10']
Druid: [Going up to 17' at the domes]
* Rurik_Ungart hefts the druid as they walk. "Arr, looks ter be about ten ter seventeen feet..."
* Honest_McGillicuddy takes the end of the rope, levitates up to the peak of the dome, throws the rope over a rafter....
* Honest_McGillicuddy lowers back down with the end of the rope in his hand.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Care to hoist a petard?
* Rurik_Ungart hoists the druid up.
* Honest_McGillicuddy looks around for interesting cacti
* Honest_McGillicuddy pushes several of the potted varieties--- the ones with the longest, nastiest spines--- to the center of the floor beneath the druid.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Gimme the end o' the rope, Rurik...
* Rurik_Ungart hands the end of the rope over to Honest.
* Honest_McGillicuddy ties it off to something sturdy.
Honest_McGillicuddy: lessee, burning candles, 'r ants an' honey?
Honest_McGillicuddy: ah!
* Honest_McGillicuddy looks about a carnivorous plant.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((looks for a small carnivorous plant.))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ah!
* Honest_McGillicuddy walks in, picks up the potted plant, walks back out and sets it close enough that the little jaws can reach the rope.
Druid: *IT nibbles on the rope a bit, before giving up.
* Honest_McGillicuddy takes a bit of elephant-meat sandwitch out of his pocket and rubs the grease on the rope.
Honest_McGillicuddy: nummmy nummy....
Druid: *The plant begins to gnaw on it
Honest_McGillicuddy: shall we fetch yon tree for the tots, mates?
Honest_McGillicuddy: I believe this feller will be 'angin aboot for a while....
Norton: Indeed.
* Honest_McGillicuddy returns to the room with the potted tree and the gardener.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ah! *picks up the tree and heads for the door.*
* June looks over to a raccoon trying to walk away with a tree
June: "Where do you think you're going with that???"
* Honest_McGillicuddy looks at june, looks at the tree, looks at the door...
Honest_McGillicuddy: Out.
* Honest_McGillicuddy keeps walking.
June: "No you're not. You'd better put that tree down."
Honest_McGillicuddy: why?
* Honest_McGillicuddy keeps walking.
June: "Because that's property of the botanic gardens ofcourse."
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oi'm a bloody woodland creature, I is.
Honest_McGillicuddy: I says it's more MOI proppity than YOURS... miss I owns the Woodlands. *sniff*
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((you gotta wonder how a druid would react to an argument like that.))
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oi figgers after Yule, we'll plant it in th' back. plenny o sunshine... an fanks ter Jeb, plenny o' fertilizer.
* June shouts something in Sylvan, not that any of you know what that is, or even know what the shouting is
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oi, such language, miss! An ye kiss yer muvver wif that mouth?
Honest_McGillicuddy: Bloody druids. "Nature belongs tae everyone..." Till anyone wants any of it, then it only belongs tae THEM.
Rurik_Ungart: ((I have questions. First, what is the cat's size category? And second, what would I have to roll to PUNT it?))
Norton: this is rather rude you know
June: "So is stealing a tree from a botany."
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oh, and so where did YE git it, miss snippity?
June: "We grow these things. We didn't get it anywhere."
Honest_McGillicuddy: oh, so ye make the SEEDS too I suppose.
Honest_McGillicuddy: here.... *pulls a pinecone out of the tree and drops it on her head.* there. that's at least twenny trees in the makin'.
* June utters a few words in Sylvan
Honest_McGillicuddy: Shame on ye, there's children present
* June watches Honest toss something at Rurik
June: "Don't you dare use that."
Honest_McGillicuddy: arigh, I'll use this instead.
* Druid wanders back, looking rather scratched up and bruised.
* Honest_McGillicuddy uses his Wand of Web on the druid
Druid: Ha! I'll show....
* Druid is wrapped in webbing.
Rurik_Ungart: I'm cold, I'm wet, I've been bloody assaulted with blasted vines, paid a perfectly good quid to get in here, AND I'M NOT DEALIN WI' ANY 'O THIS!
* June suddenly has a big, somewhat curved, fiery blade in her hand and is chopping the web around the druid away with it
Norton: ((um, you realize that fire makes the stuff from the web spell burn?))
Norton: ((Or it used to))
Rurik_Ungart: ((It does. And it brings ouchies on the bugger in 'em.))
Druid: *Gyah! My crotch is on fire!
* Honest_McGillicuddy drops two smokesticks at the druid's feet. ((20 foot smokeclouds, lads.))
Druid: ...Oh... hell...
* Norton steals a druid and runs off with him
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((steals a DRUID?))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((Come on, what would you want a druid for? They have NO trade in value.))
* Honest_McGillicuddy takes the mugs, carefully plants a single seed from a pinecone in each of them, adds a little water and lines them up in the window.
* Honest_McGillicuddy adds one of his classic hand lettered signs.... "Plant a Tre projickt 4 local widoz an orfins. U tuch them I kil yore ass. H.Mgilicudy.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((note: the hydra heads are now wearing festive Santa Claus hats-- and vaguely offended looks.))
CaptainGrufnir: FOR GOD'S SAKE, I HAVE NO PANTS!
Honest_McGillicuddy: *pause* ... I wunner.
* Rurik_Ungart looks back at Honest. "Aye lad?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: Do you suppose dryads have KIDS... or SEEDLINGS?
* Honest_McGillicuddy kicks back in his seat, perfectly content. A raccoon in his natural habitat. A tavern.
Jebediah: Ha! NMew tavern visitor!
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oh blast ye, Jeb, if ye knock that tree over after the urchins decorated it I'll have your scruffy hide fr a RUG.
* Honest_McGillicuddy looks at June
Honest_McGillicuddy: Ye might as well kick his arse.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Everyone does evenchally.
Jebediah: Eh? I've won sometimes!
Honest_McGillicuddy: Only cause I BLASTED yer competition wi' Lightning.
Honest_McGillicuddy: TWICE.
* June uses Wild shape (ape)
Honest_McGillicuddy: ooh, better.
Honest_McGillicuddy: FITZ! Popcorn.
Honest_McGillicuddy: This is gonna git good.
* June also drops the quarterstaff as he hands grow to somewhat awkward proportions
June: ((*her hands))
Honest_McGillicuddy: STill want tae bargain, Jebby?
Jebediah: ...Er, yes?
* Honest_McGillicuddy gives a grin that would make Satan reconsider signing on the bottom line.
Jebediah: What, you know something?
Jebediah: ...Awwm,d ganabbit!
* Honest_McGillicuddy points at the pile of monkey death behind him
Honest_McGillicuddy: better run, Jeb. She's lookin at you like yer the last banana on the tree.
* June swings her claws at Jeb's chest and tries to knock the wind out of him, she refrains from using her teeth as well
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((apes. do not. have claws.))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((they got monkey hands.))
June: ((Their attacks are listed as claws))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((and further proof that the WotC have never been near nature.))
June: ((That's a half-female, half-ape crushing Jeb to a pretzel against the bar))
Aramil_Liadon: D***it Jeb, when I told you to stick to your own kind I think you should *ask* them first.
June: "Did he just turn into a sheep?"
Aramil_Liadon: Wow. I didn't think evolution was *that* fast. Those intellectuals made it seem like it took..... at least a couple of centuries.
Jebediah: Baa!
June: "You have polymorph potions just lying around?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: bugger. I keep tellin ye we need ter take inventory o' wha's behind that bar....
Jebediah: Baa!
June: "How do we turn him back though?"
* Honest_McGillicuddy looks at June.
Honest_McGillicuddy: WHY:?
Honest_McGillicuddy: This is probly the smartest he's ever been.
Aramil_Liadon: Intimidation isn't something that makes you good with anything. One is good with something when one gets them to do what you want, to thank you for it, and to pay you for doing it too.
June: "I don't normally have to resort to intimidation. Of course I don't normally meet intelligent goats either."
Honest_McGillicuddy: Okay, of all the d--ed things I've seen today, that was the most messed up
June: "Of all the things you've seen, TODAY?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: Lass, ye have NO idea who yer amongst, do ye.
Honest_McGillicuddy: SO our bouncer is now an elf-amorous sheep.
Honest_McGillicuddy: sounds about normal.
* Honest_McGillicuddy spends a good half hour describing some of their more INTERESTING adventures to her.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((including the toff and the roc, the Temple of Krypton, the Amoar Character Assassination, the dwarf porn store....))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((... the dragon breeding mission...))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((the Typo Castle, babysitting Junior the Gnome...))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((tell me when Honest gets to a story that makes her stare in disbelief. I woulda thought the porno store woulda done it...))
* Honest_McGillicuddy continues with the story of the Jebediah-molesting undead squid....
* Honest_McGillicuddy throws in the runin with the luddite temple, stealing the kilt off a Troll-ogre crossbreed, blackmailing the crossdressing nobleman...
Honest_McGillicuddy: lass, I'm only hittin on the highlites here.
June: "He killed an elephant?
Honest_McGillicuddy: Nae, dinnae kill no elyphant.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Twere that ruddy long FALL what did it.
June: "I live in this city, I think I know what pidgeons are."
* June pets her cat
Honest_McGillicuddy: Several hundred pounds, covered in dragon scale, flaming poo....
June: "Errmmm... That doesn't sound like pidgeons..."
Honest_McGillicuddy: It do in THIS neighborhood.
Honest_McGillicuddy: The one what nearly gave me a 'eart attack were that Jobsworth.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Showed up gabblin about "health inspections." HAH!
Honest_McGillicuddy: Health inspections in Jarlsheim. 'Slike havin' fire alarms in Hell.
Jebediah: ...And why do I feel oddly attracted to aramil?
Aramil_Liadon: The world shall never know
Honest_McGillicuddy: Bouncers bounce. He's more of a wet, inelastic splat.
June: "I think he'll bounce."
June: "It's just a matter of throwing him high enough first."
Honest_McGillicuddy: I sez we lock 'im in a closet till he dries out, instead.
June: "We can't make a profit of him if we lock him in a closet."
Honest_McGillicuddy: Naw hold ON Naow. Oi be an onrable tief, nat no ruddy herb-dealin' scum....
* June looks Honest in the eye
June: "An honorable thief that tries to spring a druid from a zoo so he can sell the druid back to the zoo?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: fft,. I dinnae sell the druid to the zoo.
Honest_McGillicuddy: I sold th' military officer to th' zoo. *beam*
* Honest_McGillicuddy toddles along, carefully tying bottles of alchy fire to his miniaturized kegs of gunpowder.
(ohhh, the things one can do with a shrink spell....)
* Hubert heads into the botanic gardens, which look rather empty, having been looted a bit after they got abandoned. A couple are battling the assassin vine
Woman: Now, dear, don't injure it. I'll look lovely in our yard...
Man: *gurgle*
Honest_McGillicuddy: (( oh look, ARamil's back to playing "slum lord, the RPG" again.))
Aramil_Liadon: (( He's got megalomania, deal with it :P))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((no, he's got pimp daddy envy, and I refuse to "deal".))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((get you a big crappy looking velvet hat, platform shoes, and the soundtrack to "I'm gonna git you sucka."))
Hubert: [Most of the more attractive plants are gone, including several with nasty surprises. the herb garden's a bit trampled. The Redneck Trees have escaped.
Hubert: *the vine drops the man, who scurries off.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((oh THAT aint good.))
June: ((Don't worry, I'm sure the guard will take care of them, or they'll get off into the woods))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((and this is an improvement. How?))
*Honest_McGillicuddy pictures a few years of crossbreeding with the Jarlsheiman flora....
Aramil_Liadon: ((Well, we don't need to go to the woods today. Or ever again.))
Hubert: It's all mine! (in regards to the abandoned, denuded gardens)
Honest_McGillicuddy: aye, acre upon acre of empty boxes of DIRT.
* Mikey draws his blunderbuss and scans around, trying to decide which plant to fire at.
June: "Don't worry 'bout me."
June: "And put that thing away."
Mikey: well, Honest said worry about you, so I'm worrying.
* Mikey keeps the gun at the ready.
June: "I'm a druid, I've lived around this place for a few years now, I think I can handle myself around some ruddy plants. Although these are quite the exception."
* June plucks one of the danger signs out of its hold and waves it in front of the opening
Mikey: Yeah, well Honest and I have been living around JARLSHEIM a few years.
Mikey: Does he strike you as the overly cautious type?
* Honest_McGillicuddy trots about, idly sightseeing.
Honest_McGillicuddy: "Oh, 'ow nice. Dirt. And look oer there. MORE dirt.
Hubert: [Honest: You find a display of mushrooms, most cooking, a few Hubert.
* Honest_McGillicuddy grins and picks a few of the cooking ones.
Honest_McGillicuddy: oy, Aramil!
Aramil_Liadon: Aye?
* Honest_McGillicuddy holds up the mushrooms in either hand.
Honest_McGillicuddy: "Raccoon raccoon raccoon raccon raccooon MUSHROOM MUSHROOM"
Aramil_Liadon: ....think you've got something catchy going there.
Hubert: *A vine rwraps around Mikey's leg and yanks him up into the air, towards a carniverous bloom
Mikey: BUGGER!
* Mikey aims at the bloom and fires
June: "Carefull with that!"
* Mikey replies in words that are unprintable
June: "Do you know what a druid is?"
Mikey: No, but I've got some OPINIONS of one I can't repeat.
June: "When the druid tells you not to follow her into a dome full of poisonous and carniverous plants, you'd do well to listen because she knows what she's doing."
Mikey: Is that BEFORE she chases after the most dangerous band of crooks in Jarlsheim to try and steal back a potted bush, or AFTER her boss smokes enough goofy grass to put a platoon in orbit?
Mikey: "Grabby plant. Shot it."
Mikey: do y' want me to keep watching her, Honest?
* Honest_McGillicuddy nods
Honest_McGillicuddy: Got to know where she is to shoot her in the arse, dontchee?
* Mikey rolls his eyes.
Mikey: It only happened ONCE.
Mikey: she's awful confident for a druid who only works in a GREENhouse....
Honest_McGillicuddy: aye, well, that's whatchee get. Goin' aboot, talkin to the trees and shite. Remember th bugger what I told ye aboot?
Honest_McGillicuddy: thot he was friends wi' the bears?
Mikey: The one that got ate?
Honest_McGillicuddy: *nods* that's the one.
* Hubert hands Mikey the ciggarette he was smoking.
* Honest_McGillicuddy slaps it out of Mikey's hands.
Mikey: what?
Honest_McGillicuddy: Mess wi THAT shite, ye end oop talkin to the WALLS.
Honest_McGillicuddy: an gettin answers.
Hubert: What? good, healthy herbs. Herbs are good for you.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Aye, they're herbs. So's nightshade.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Ayep. play with a few herbs, ye think yer Mother bloody nature.
Aramil_Liadon: Why would you want assassin vines in the first place?
June: "Why do you want bears in a zoo?"
* Mikey frowns.
Mikey: But you DIDNT want bears in a zoo, that's why you let them.....
Mikey: am I missing something?
Honest_McGillicuddy: Nemmind lad.
Hubert: ..i also accidentally dropped the assassin vine seeds down the latrine.
Hubert: Oh, yes. Purely accidental, of course
Hubert: Oh, well. Probably won't see any light.
Mikey: well, it'll make things interesting for the wererats anyway.
Aramil_Liadon: This is probably going to go bad. I'm sure there's strange... sunlight-emitting fungi in the sewers or something.
Aramil_Liadon: Something really stupid that shouldn't exist, but by all odds, does.
June: "Right, I'll have to go pay a visit to the zoo. Honest, mind coming along and giving me a hand?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: And if I does?
June: "You won't have to worry about a large influx of addictive herbs finding its way into the Jarlsheim market."
Honest_McGillicuddy: nae, just a loony treehugger plantin' killer crabgrass in every lawn.
June: ((Hubert's currently high on herbs, I'm taking the safe route and getting at least 1000' away))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((regular Kentucky fried druid... marinated in herbs and spices.))
Honest_McGillicuddy: She says "get some alchy fire."
Honest_McGillicuddy: heheheh.
Mikey: heheh.
Mikey: HEHEHEH.
Mikey: "get some alchy fire..."
Honest_McGillicuddy: bwhahahahah.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((hmmm. An annoying conceited female marching off into a half-plundered, unsecured zoo on her own.))
* Mikey starts to trail after her
* Honest_McGillicuddy holds up a hand
Honest_McGillicuddy: Lad....
Honest_McGillicuddy: no rush, now.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Mayhap She Who Talks to the Trees needs tae meet a wee bit o' the JARLSHEIM wildlife.
* Zookeeper eyes Honest.
Zookeeper: ...Is he a new exhibit?
June: "No he ain't, and if you try you'll end up like your predecessor most likely."
* Mikey steps back, desperately trying to look innocent with two guns and a sword strapped to him
Zookeeper: You!
* Zookeeper eyes Honest.
Honest_McGillicuddy: aye. ME.
Zookeeper: ...You were with her....
* Zookeeper begins backing away.
* Honest_McGillicuddy draws his MM gun and readies it. It lets out an ominous whine.
Zookeeper: I'm innocent! I ain't done nothin'!
Honest_McGillicuddy: good. Kip it tha way.
Honest_McGillicuddy: *pleasantly* now goo in ye lil house...
* Zookeeper heads in aqnd slams the door.
Honest_McGillicuddy: ah. The public touch.
* Honest_McGillicuddy puts his MM gun away.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Well. Shall we goo and fetch yon leaf twiddling ninny from the short hands o' the law?
Aramil_Liadon: I mean.... do we want someone who's been caught by the watch to be with us?
Aramil_Liadon: It might give us a.... bad rep.
Honest_McGillicuddy: pfft.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Hells, do we know anybody what HAINT bin caught by the watch?
Honest_McGillicuddy: Asides, we need SOMEBODY tae throo doon the sewer ahead of us....
Honest_McGillicuddy: wahl, a' the least le's go watch the fun, eh?
* Honest_McGillicuddy pulls two tiny chairs out of his pocket (pilfered from the C+D earlier), enlarges them, sets them up for him and Mikey against a nearby wall in view of June's cell window.
Aramil_Liadon: Do we want to let her out?
Honest_McGillicuddy: oh, let's watch an' see if she kin figger things oot fer herself.
* Honest_McGillicuddy waves at June's window cheerily.
* June yells out at the guards: "You might wanna open this here door before it breaks."
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((she's gonna break down an adamantine door?))
* June steps up against the back wall and channels a rhino
* June starts ramming into the door
* Honest_McGillicuddy decides to take pity on her and give her a hint
Honest_McGillicuddy: "oh look at how the pretty plants all grow/ their roots a'twinin in the stones all in a row....
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((make a nausea check against his singing....))
* June turns around and pushes against the door with her hind legs, wall with the nose
Honest_McGillicuddy: not too swift on the ooptake, I guess.
(she was in a cell designed for half-giants.)
Attilla: June: You think you see a block that may have once held manacles, but now only has a rusty iron ring in it, in the wall.
* June eyes the ring, considers that if it was made to hold the trolls and half-giants, it'd likely be adamantine as well, then shoves as much of her horn in as she can and pulls
Attilla: With a creak you manage to pull it out, it hurts a lot but you manage to get it out. Inside you see another block, and a shiny new spoon.
* June casts a wall of thorns, filling the corridor behind the door and making a nice wall a short distance from the outside of her cell
* June then casts a WIDE grin at the trapped guards and turns back to the wall to bash it
* Honest_McGillicuddy and mikey replant their seats.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oooh she done thorned the guards.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Wi her still inside.
Mikey: that's gonna count against her.
Attilla: You hear a clang... make a lot of reflex saves.
Attilla: You are now glued to the floor by some sticky substance. The rest of the cell looks a mess.
* June curses softly, then casts freedom of movement and checks for any small holes she might fit through in here
* Rurik_Ungart walks up next to the group and looks up. "What're we lookin' fer?"
* Honest_McGillicuddy sees the dwarf pirate strolling up the street
Honest_McGillicuddy: oy, mate.
* June curses herself for not thinking of the easy way out
Honest_McGillicuddy: Our druid seems to have gotten in a wee bit o' trouble wi' the law...
Honest_McGillicuddy: *points at the window*
Honest_McGillicuddy: ye kinnae see her, but oi fash ye kin smell the tanglefoot gluing her to the floor...
* Rurik_Ungart nods to Honest and looks where he's pointing, then waves. "Aye, what's she doin' abou' it?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: annoyin' the guards, mostly, from the sound o' it.
Honest_McGillicuddy: I fink I'll go 'ave a word wi' the lass.
* Honest_McGillicuddy strolls over to the wall, levitates up and peeks in.
* Honest_McGillicuddy regards the gluey, tattered female stuck to the floor.
Honest_McGillicuddy: hm,. ye know ye usually have to pay a quid to see summat like this....
Honest_McGillicuddy: Well I'm sure a druid of your trainin' an' experience an smarts and all wot not has things well in hand....
* Honest_McGillicuddy buffs his nails and regards them.
Honest_McGillicuddy: After all you're the Bee's Knees doon at the botanical gardens....
Honest_McGillicuddy: So what coul a handful o' scruffy street types loik us yobboes be tellin' YOU?
Honest_McGillicuddy: by the bye, them guards'll get thru them thorns soon and they'll be in quite a mood t' play...
June: "I shoulda practised to use some o' these spells without my hands."
Honest_McGillicuddy: aye, that moight come in 'andy.
Honest_McGillicuddy: course ye coulda also practiced not bein' so.... *regards the marks on the walls where the druid had been battering**... bull-headed.
* Honest_McGillicuddy is, of course, having the time of his life here.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Noo Oi dinnae suppose the Queen of the Tanglefoot bag might care for some 'elp in leavin' afore them guards find the weed whackers?
June: "If I could get loose of this damned stuff, I'd be right out now, so a little help with that might be usefull."
Honest_McGillicuddy: Well, We'll have tae get IN first.
* Honest_McGillicuddy pulls out two of his specially prepared gunpowder kegs.
((note: these two shrunken barrels of gunpowder are tied by twine to two NORMAL sized bottles of alchy fire.when the barrel enlarges, the twine crushes the vials. said vials burn, lighting the barrels, and BOOM.))
* Honest_McGillicuddy lands on the ground and starts bookin'
Honest_McGillicuddy: Run like ye stole somethin', Laddies!
Honest_McGillicuddy: WAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Attilla: You soon hear a massive KABOOM.... make a reflex save June.
Honest_McGillicuddy: grab 'er, boys, I sure as hell kinnae carry her
Attilla: Aramil and Lia grab her and run, Aramil casts Expeditious retreat.
* Honest_McGillicuddy tosses a twofer through the bars into the hall for good measure
* Honest_McGillicuddy runs after the others
* Rurik_Ungart turns and runs right back down and follows Aramil.
* Mikey halts in mid scramble and runs after the gang
Honest_McGillicuddy: Exit, Stage right, LAUGHING all the way, BWAHAHAHAH!
Rurik_Ungart: Harhar, 'twas a good explosion, Honest.
Honest_McGillicuddy: an' I still gots three more, mwaahahha
Honest_McGillicuddy: FITZ! *looks over the bar down at the sticky druid* smellin' salts.
Honest_McGillicuddy: An' some universal solvent if ye got owt.
Fitzwilliam: Oh, and there's a package for you
* Fitzwilliam hands it over.
Fitzwilliam: And one of the urchins brought in this poster of you.
* Fitzwilliam hands it over as well.
* Honest_McGillicuddy looks at the poster
* Honest_McGillicuddy unrolls the poster and looks at it, while he undoes the string on the package
Fitzwilliam: ...All of 'em are searchin' out the nifty Honest posters, it seems
Honest_McGillicuddy: ayep. time fer a disguise hat
Honest_McGillicuddy: ...someone slap the druid.
* Mikey comes in through the front door, his hair smoking slightly.
Mikey: you should WARN people about that gnome's kid....
June: "Don't let him give you a bad impression Mikey, most druids aren't like that."
Honest_McGillicuddy: aye, some just get arrested and covered in goop.
* Mikey vanishes into the all concealing shadows.
* Honest_McGillicuddy picks a peanut out of a bowl and chucks it into a dark corner.
Mikey: Ow!
Aramil_Liadon: So we're supposed to go look for your equipment in all that chaos?
June: "What more cover did you want?"
Aramil_Liadon: Like for one it to not be raining stones and mortar.
Honest_McGillicuddy: Oh, ***** ***** *****.
Honest_McGillicuddy: "Ye dinnae get me gear. Ye got me arrested. Ye blew me oop. It's allus the same wi women, innit? Whine whine whine."
Attilla: Suddenly the door leading to the wine cellar bursts open and four hybrid-formed wererats charge at you wielding rapiers whilst hissing bestially.
Hubert: ...Hmm. Hallucinations are here again.
June: "Is it just me, or did a bunch of rats wielding knives just burst in?"
Honest_McGillicuddy: welcome to tha neighborhood, lass!
* Hubert puffs a cloud of pink smoke at the rats.
Hubert: ...This is a really realistic hallucination, I must say.
Attilla: ((The pink smoke doesn't do anything, does it?))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((well, its obviously doing something to Hubert.))
(((note: Attilla still has a RL ritual execution due him for this following sequence of events....)))
* Mikey darts forward to get clear of Rurik and fires'
Mikey: ((that's a 20 foot cone, 1d6 damage))
Attilla: It manages to do.... something rather creepy and dodges the blast.
Mikey: ((it's a twenty foot cone. There IS NO DODGE.))
Attilla: ((It's still evasion))
....
* Mikey rushes the other rat attacking Rurik and fires a load of silver coin at it practically point blank.
Mikey: Here's your CHANGE, sir!
Attilla: Your aim is off and you shower everyone with change from above, but it doesn't have enough force to wound.
Attilla: Some of it got embedded into the ceiling though.
...
(((note: at this point I was starting to get honked....))
Mikey: ((aim is off. With a blunderbuss. at point blank.))
Attilla: (( Mikey: Well it's more of you shifted up at the last second))
Mikey: ((he's got a ranged attack of +8, plus dodge, mobility, shot on the run, and POINT BLANK SHOT.))
....
* June(morphed into a bear)hugs the thing REALLY tight
* Mikey rapid reloads, walks up, *places the barrel of the gun against the head of the rat the bear is holding*, and pulls the trigger.
June: ((Watch it evade))
Hubert: ((Coup de grace, surely?))
June: ((unlikely))
Mikey: ((yeah, he's got *magic rat evasion powers.*))
June: ((It's only up 12 damage atm))
Mikey: ((yeah, he only just took A HEAD FULL OF SILVER COINS AT POINT BLANK RANGE.))
Attilla: You cause massive lacerations as the coins are jammed into its upper shoulders and most of its head. It survives somehow, but it looks quite wounded.
Mikey: ((IT was PINNED. and the barrel. WAS AGAINST. IT'S FREAKING HEAD.))
Mikey: ((attilla, that was below, beneath, and BEHIND contempt.))
Mikey: ((here, how about I shoot at it again, this time with the barrel in its mouth.... so Attilla can fabricate a new way for me to miss?))
(((I never have, and never will, forgive Attilla for that day, and I *swear* I will find a way to get him back for it.)))
....
* Hubert uses animate plants on the yule tree.
* Hubert goes back to smoking.
June: ((Great...))
Attilla: ((So... what happens to the yule tree?))
June: ((I believe it comes alive))
Rurik_Ungart: ((Oh. No.))
Honest_McGillicuddy: ((the two foot tall raccoon would like the 10 foot tall bear to please push the crate out of the way.))
Drowning! Drowning in text! Only... have... +2... Endurance... bonus!
Looks over to see a drowned Keenath and thinks "Oh my god! He's dead! I can't breath! I'm gonna die t--" *drowns*
I want to know what happened to Deacon. /:D
She took a half now-half later payment plan with a 1 year lease.
I'm keeping it in my pocket for when they face Orcus. "Foolish mortals, I know something you do not!"
"whats that?"
"How to keep a calender"
*Deacon feels an alarm clock go off in his pants* "AH CR-" *teleports across planes to the waiting arms of a female drgonborn*
is the only possible reply to that."Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 12 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 9/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 20 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it. Mainly just there to heal us.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
Back again, only we're in COLLEGE! So yeah, meeting is gonna be tough. We'll try to meet, just for you guys. Just try to cut us a little slack. Anyway, we still haven't chosen a motto, What would you think of "Do unto others, and run!"?
Our ship eventually hit land, we had to continue on foot. Eventually, we hit a mountain range, Musashi wanted to climb over the mountains, but everyone else voted for navigating a system of caves. As we started to wander through, Musashi popped this gem of a one-liner:
Musashi: Why do I get the feeling that we're gonna run into a Balrog?
Well, Musashi was surprisingly close. An ogre came out of nowhere and attacked the group.
Sarevok: Just one Ogre? Fireball! *Rolls*
DM: Okay, but he only takes 14 damage.
Sarevok: Huh?
DM: High reflex save and Damage reduction.
Sarevok:
Rand: Allow me. *points behind the Ogre* I say! Is that a huge flying saucer-like object?
DM: He doesn't understand common, or any language you speak.
Rand:
DM: You are not power-gaming your way out of this battle!
Musashi: :D
DM: What?
Musashi: Sword. Of. Ogre. Decapitation.
DM: *Pounds table with both fists* F*CK! :headexplo
We Killed the Ogre and continued on our merry way. But the DM wasn't going to let us get away without an epic battle. He threw a Dragon at us. A Blue one.
Musashi: Hell yeah! Blood, for, Bishamonten!
It was a difficult battle but we eventually pulled through. Musashi held up the severed head afterwards and roared:
Musashi: Let this be a lesson to all of you! Don't F*ck with Toshiro Mifune!
Anyway, we still haven't chosen a motto, What would you think of "Do unto others, and run!"?
We Came. We Saw. We ... didn't do nothin'!
We Came. We Saw. We ... didn't do nothin'!
Oooo that's much better! Mind if we use that?
Me: Rogue 4
DB: Duskblade 4
Druid: Druid 2/Totemist 2
Cleric: Mystic 4
Blind Paladin: Paladin 3/ Knight 1
Psion: Psion 4
So we're going to see these two divination twins who have helped us once before. Well, not so much helped, so much as told us lotsa stuff, but nothing useful.
Me: *enters the room* So let's get this over with.
DM: Whatever do you mean?
Me: You know, the whole, "fated to do some impossible deed" thing.
DM: Go see the heir and have her return to her town. *Hands a note to one of the party members*
Me: Ok, now, since your divinators, can you scry for a particular item *describes an amulet to them*
DM: We cannot scry for that.
Me: Why not?
DM: We cannot scry for an item that we cannot see.
Me: But... Your divinators...
DM: This item you seek is something that exists but we cannot see. You have your task, now go.
It should be noted that the Duskblade stole the amulet from me while I was passed out from alcohol poisoning at the end of the last session.
Me (OOC): Why can't I accuse him of stealing the amulet from me?
DM: Because you - as your character - aren't smart enough to think that.
Me: (OOC): Bull****. Wisdom score is common sense. He's got as much common sense as me, and my common sense says that when an item I have goes missing, the first person I'm going to suspect and accuse is the one who kept asking me for it but I denied their request.
Me (IC, to DB): Sir, do you happen to know where the amulet went?
DB: I'm praying.
Me (OOC): Sense Motive.
Blind Paladin (OOC): You can't Sense Motive a PC...
Me (OOC): Why the
not?!DM: Because I said so.
Me (OOC): Great. So the blind guy gets a magical headband that probably allows him True-Sight, the Duskblade can steal from the Rogue and use the amulet with no ill affects, the Psion - who hasn't said more than two words to the group - has a nymph following him, the Cleric has a magical baby, and the Druid can kick ass. What the
do I get!?DM: You got a magical fedora last session.
Me (OOC): Which I can't even use. If it wasn't for the fact that my character is the dnd equivalent of Indiana Jones, I'd punch you in the face right now and rip up my character sheet.
The Halfling in the group takes a big hit that completely depletes his Hit Points.
"You're a quarterling"
Seems like the entire group is out to **** you off :P
Some player has probably already made this joke but I'm new to this stuff so it was original to me.
The Halfling in the group takes a big hit that completely depletes his Hit Points.
"You're a quarterling"
No, he's only a quarterling when he is at half hitpoints, half a halfling.
Seems like the entire group is out to **** you off :P
No. It's just that we've had a revolving door at DM and the current one is one I'm not too fond of. I'm still new to DnD - this being my third different campaign in 2 months - and have been in flux of between 3.5, 4e and a homebrew system.
That and everyone wants to play 3.5 when myself and another player have been trying to get a 4e game to start with them.
I did have a funny moment though in that game that I felt good about. This is a continuation of the twins' description post.
Me: Ok... Well, what about my hat? I got it as a gift, but I don't know the keyword to activate it *hands it to the twins*
DM: The keyword is... "chicken."
Me: Thank you *puts the hat back on*
DB: I enter the room.
DM: DB enters as you put the hat on.
Me: I turn around, walk by him and go, "BUCK BAA!" wave my arms like a chicken and leave the room.
DB What the
?Me (OOC): Well, I feel slightly better now.
Imediately realizing the stupidity of such an action the player hastily responds:
"I swing my flail into the wall of the ship to let in water that will douse the flames"
...
So we're tracking a bunch of kobold cultists trying to summon Tiamat to the Material Plane. Leaving a forest, we come to a goblin castle that's guarding the pass to the kobold's temple; there's a wide open plain in front, and no one can get across without being seen. By the way, we're all level 2. The conversation goes something like this:
Spoilered for space-saving
Party Druid: Okay guys, we need a way to open the castle gates. I propose--
Satyr (CN Satyr bard): I charge the castle.
DM: You...charge the castle?
Satyr: Yes. I'm going to hide and charge.
DM: Okay....
Satyr: Charge! And Hide...*rolls* natural 1...****.
*Satyr takes 2 hits from goblin longbows and runs back to cover*
Satyr: That didn't work.
DM: Obviously.
Satyr: Okay, I'm going to disguise myself as a goblin.
DM: You are aware that goblins are Small creatures...and you're a ****ing satyr?
Satyr: Yeah!
DM: Fine. Roll Disguise.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus...7, after penalties.
DM: O...kay...
Party: But you don't speak goblin!
Satyr: Of course I do! I'll be fine.
*Satyr walks up to the castle*
DM: The goblin says, "Who goes there?" in Goblin.
Satyr: I--
DM: Wait! *checks his sheet* That says Gnomish, not Goblin!
Satyr: What!? *checks sheet* Uh, guys? I...don't speak Goblin.
Party: WHAT!?
Goblin: "I said, who goes there?"
Satyr: Uhh..."I'm, uh, well..."
Goblin: "Why are you speaking Common?"
Satyr: Uhh..."Well, you see, there was this satyr in the woods that punched me in the throat, so now my throat hurts too much to speak Goblin...."
DM: Bluff check.
Satyr: *rolls* 17 plus 10.
DM: They buy it.
Goblin: "What's the password?"
Satyr: Uhh...:lightbulb "As you can see, I'm not from around these parts, but I am a wandering goblin bard and I saw your handiwork in the last town, the burning down everything and such, and I thought, I must join these strapping lad and gain more treasure for them, and I figured that hey, with my bagpipes--yes, bagpipes--I could inspire your gallant band to greater heights of amazingness. Mind if I join?" (Note: The satyr has a Scottish accent)
DM: Roll Bluff.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 14.
DM: 5 out of the 6 guards buy it.
Last Goblin: "I'm not sure about you...will you consent to being bound while we take you to our leader?"
Satyr: "Sure."
*Goblins take him to a cell, lock him in*
Satyr: Can I get out of my manacles?
DM: Do you have any tools?
Satyr: ...no.
DM: Open Lock check.
Satyr: 15, plus 10.
DM: :OMG! Minus 5 for no tools...20.
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM: Roll Open Lock again.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: :surrender "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!?
Satyr: Woohoo!
*Satyr stocks up on material*
DM: Some goblins hear the door opening, and they enter. Make a Hide check.
Satyr: 5, plus 8.
DM: The 6 goblins fail to notice you.
Satyr: I sneak out the way they came in.
DM: Move Silently check.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 5.
DM: They don't see you. You exit the room and see *rolls* 20 goblins in a dining hall.
Satyr: ****!
DM: You have a surprise round.
Satyr: I run out another door.
DM: You find your way to the gatehouse, but the goblins follow you, suspicious of your running away.
Satyr: Crap. I use my spear to lodge the door closed.
DM: Strength check.
Satyr: *rolls* 15, plus 1.
DM: The goblins start bashing the door.
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Uhh....
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Yes.
Satyr: I secure my grappling hook, jump out, and rappel down.
DM: Use Rope and Climb?
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20! Plus 5, and 14 plus 2 for Climb.
DM: *sigh* Fine. You rappel down the wall. It's 40 feet tall and--wait. Your rope is 20 feet. You drop off the end; Tumble check.
Satyr: *rolls* Uh, it's--
DM: If you say natural 20....
Satyr: :D
DM: You take *rolls* 1 damage. You land *rolls* ...right...in front...of the gate.
Satyr: :D
*Satyr opens the door*
Satyr: See, guys? Door open.
Party:
Party Druid: Okay guys, we need a way to open the castle gates. I propose--
Satyr (CN Satyr bard): I charge the castle.
DM: You...charge the castle?
Satyr: Yes. I'm going to hide and charge.
DM: Okay....
Satyr: Charge! And Hide...*rolls* natural 1...****.
*Satyr takes 2 hits from goblin longbows and runs back to cover*
Satyr: That didn't work.
DM: Obviously.
Satyr: Okay, I'm going to disguise myself as a goblin.
DM:
You are aware that goblins are Small creatures...and you're a ****ing satyr?Satyr: Yeah!
DM: Fine. Roll Disguise.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus...7, after penalties.
DM: O...kay...
Party: But you don't speak goblin!
Satyr: Of course I do! I'll be fine.
*Satyr walks up to the castle*
DM: The goblin says, "Who goes there?" in Goblin.
Satyr: I--
DM: Wait! *checks his sheet* That says Gnomish, not Goblin!
Satyr: What!? *checks sheet*
Uh, guys? I...don't speak Goblin.Party:
WHAT!?Goblin: "I said, who goes there?"
Satyr: Uhh..."I'm, uh, well..."
Goblin: "Why are you speaking Common?"
Satyr: Uhh..."Well, you see, there was this satyr in the woods that punched me in the throat, so now my throat hurts too much to speak Goblin...."
DM: Bluff check.
Satyr: *rolls* 17 plus 10.
DM:
They buy it.Goblin: "What's the password?"
Satyr: Uhh...:lightbulb "As you can see, I'm not from around these parts, but I am a wandering goblin bard and I saw your handiwork in the last town, the burning down everything and such, and I thought, I must join these strapping lad and gain more treasure for them, and I figured that hey, with my bagpipes--yes, bagpipes--I could inspire your gallant band to greater heights of amazingness. Mind if I join?" (Note: The satyr has a Scottish accent)
DM: Roll Bluff.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 14.
DM:
5 out of the 6 guards buy it.Last Goblin: "I'm not sure about you...will you consent to being bound while we take you to our leader?"
Satyr: "Sure."
*Goblins take him to a cell, lock him in*
Satyr: Can I get out of my manacles?
DM: Do you have any tools?
Satyr: ...no.
DM: Open Lock check.
Satyr: 15, plus 10.
DM: :OMG! Minus 5 for no tools...20.
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM:
Roll Open Lock again.Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: :surrender "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!?
Satyr: Woohoo!
*Satyr stocks up on material*
DM: Some goblins hear the door opening, and they enter. Make a Hide check.
Satyr: 5, plus 8.
DM:
The 6 goblins fail to notice you.Satyr: I sneak out the way they came in.
DM: Move Silently check.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 5.
DM: They don't see you. You exit the room and see *rolls* 20 goblins in a dining hall.
Satyr:
****!DM: You have a surprise round.
Satyr: I run out another door.
DM: You find your way to the gatehouse, but the goblins follow you, suspicious of your running away.
Satyr: Crap. I use my spear to lodge the door closed.
DM: Strength check.
Satyr: *rolls* 15, plus 1.
DM: The goblins start bashing the door.
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Uhh....
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM:
Yes.Satyr: I secure my grappling hook, jump out, and rappel down.
DM: Use Rope and Climb?
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20! Plus 5, and 14 plus 2 for Climb.
DM: *sigh* Fine. You rappel down the wall. It's 40 feet tall and--wait. Your rope is 20 feet. You drop off the end; Tumble check.
Satyr: *rolls* Uh, it's--
DM: If you say natural 20....
Satyr: :D
DM:
You take *rolls* 1 damage. You land *rolls* ...right...in front...of the gate.Satyr: :D
*Satyr opens the door*
Satyr: See, guys? Door open.
Party:
This is a long one, but hilarious.
So we're tracking a bunch of kobold cultists trying to summon Tiamat to the Material Plane. Leaving a forest, we come to a goblin castle that's guarding the pass to the kobold's temple; there's a wide open plain in front, and no one can get across without being seen. By the way, we're all level 2. The conversation goes something like this:Spoilered for space-saving
Party Druid: Okay guys, we need a way to open the castle gates. I propose--
Satyr (CN Satyr bard): I charge the castle.
DM: You...charge the castle?
Satyr: Yes. I'm going to hide and charge.
DM: Okay....
Satyr: Charge! And Hide...*rolls* natural 1...****.
*Satyr takes 2 hits from goblin longbows and runs back to cover*
Satyr: That didn't work.
DM: Obviously.
Satyr: Okay, I'm going to disguise myself as a goblin.
DM:
Satyr: Yeah!
DM: Fine. Roll Disguise.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus...7, after penalties.
DM: O...kay...
Party: But you don't speak goblin!
Satyr: Of course I do! I'll be fine.
*Satyr walks up to the castle*
DM: The goblin says, "Who goes there?" in Goblin.
Satyr: I--
DM: Wait! *checks his sheet* That says Gnomish, not Goblin!
Satyr: What!? *checks sheet*
Party:
Goblin: "I said, who goes there?"
Satyr: Uhh..."I'm, uh, well..."
Goblin: "Why are you speaking Common?"
Satyr: Uhh..."Well, you see, there was this satyr in the woods that punched me in the throat, so now my throat hurts too much to speak Goblin...."
DM: Bluff check.
Satyr: *rolls* 17 plus 10.
DM:
Goblin: "What's the password?"
Satyr: Uhh...:lightbulb "As you can see, I'm not from around these parts, but I am a wandering goblin bard and I saw your handiwork in the last town, the burning down everything and such, and I thought, I must join these strapping lad and gain more treasure for them, and I figured that hey, with my bagpipes--yes, bagpipes--I could inspire your gallant band to greater heights of amazingness. Mind if I join?" (Note: The satyr has a Scottish accent)
DM: Roll Bluff.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 14.
DM:
Last Goblin: "I'm not sure about you...will you consent to being bound while we take you to our leader?"
Satyr: "Sure."
*Goblins take him to a cell, lock him in*
Satyr: Can I get out of my manacles?
DM: Do you have any tools?
Satyr: ...no.
DM: Open Lock check.
Satyr: 15, plus 10.
DM: :OMG! Minus 5 for no tools...20.
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM:
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: :surrender "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!?
Satyr: Woohoo!
*Satyr stocks up on material*
DM: Some goblins hear the door opening, and they enter. Make a Hide check.
Satyr: 5, plus 8.
DM:
Satyr: I sneak out the way they came in.
DM: Move Silently check.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 5.
DM: They don't see you. You exit the room and see *rolls* 20 goblins in a dining hall.
Satyr:
DM: You have a surprise round.
Satyr: I run out another door.
DM: You find your way to the gatehouse, but the goblins follow you, suspicious of your running away.
Satyr: Crap. I use my spear to lodge the door closed.
DM: Strength check.
Satyr: *rolls* 15, plus 1.
DM: The goblins start bashing the door.
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Uhh....
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM:
Satyr: I secure my grappling hook, jump out, and rappel down.
DM: Use Rope and Climb?
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20! Plus 5, and 14 plus 2 for Climb.
DM: *sigh* Fine. You rappel down the wall. It's 40 feet tall and--wait. Your rope is 20 feet. You drop off the end; Tumble check.
Satyr: *rolls* Uh, it's--
DM: If you say natural 20....
Satyr: :D
DM:
Satyr: :D
*Satyr opens the door*
Satyr: See, guys? Door open.
Party:
This is a long one, but hilarious.
So we're tracking a bunch of kobold cultists trying to summon Tiamat to the Material Plane. Leaving a forest, we come to a goblin castle that's guarding the pass to the kobold's temple; there's a wide open plain in front, and no one can get across without being seen. By the way, we're all level 2. The conversation goes something like this:Spoilered for space-saving
Party Druid: Okay guys, we need a way to open the castle gates. I propose--
Satyr (CN Satyr bard): I charge the castle.
DM: You...charge the castle?
Satyr: Yes. I'm going to hide and charge.
DM: Okay....
Satyr: Charge! And Hide...*rolls* natural 1...****.
*Satyr takes 2 hits from goblin longbows and runs back to cover*
Satyr: That didn't work.
DM: Obviously.
Satyr: Okay, I'm going to disguise myself as a goblin.
DM:
Satyr: Yeah!
DM: Fine. Roll Disguise.
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus...7, after penalties.
DM: O...kay...
Party: But you don't speak goblin!
Satyr: Of course I do! I'll be fine.
*Satyr walks up to the castle*
DM: The goblin says, "Who goes there?" in Goblin.
Satyr: I--
DM: Wait! *checks his sheet* That says Gnomish, not Goblin!
Satyr: What!? *checks sheet*
Party:
Goblin: "I said, who goes there?"
Satyr: Uhh..."I'm, uh, well..."
Goblin: "Why are you speaking Common?"
Satyr: Uhh..."Well, you see, there was this satyr in the woods that punched me in the throat, so now my throat hurts too much to speak Goblin...."
DM: Bluff check.
Satyr: *rolls* 17 plus 10.
DM:
Goblin: "What's the password?"
Satyr: Uhh...:lightbulb "As you can see, I'm not from around these parts, but I am a wandering goblin bard and I saw your handiwork in the last town, the burning down everything and such, and I thought, I must join these strapping lad and gain more treasure for them, and I figured that hey, with my bagpipes--yes, bagpipes--I could inspire your gallant band to greater heights of amazingness. Mind if I join?" (Note: The satyr has a Scottish accent)
DM: Roll Bluff.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 14.
DM:
Last Goblin: "I'm not sure about you...will you consent to being bound while we take you to our leader?"
Satyr: "Sure."
*Goblins take him to a cell, lock him in*
Satyr: Can I get out of my manacles?
DM: Do you have any tools?
Satyr: ...no.
DM: Open Lock check.
Satyr: 15, plus 10.
DM: :OMG! Minus 5 for no tools...20.
Satyr: Now I pick the cell lock.
DM:
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20, plus 10!
DM: :surrender "Going over to the cot in the cell, the satyr takes out two pieces of hay and picks the lock with those."
Satyr: Yes!
DM: The room outside your cell is *rolls*...the armory!?
Satyr: Woohoo!
*Satyr stocks up on material*
DM: Some goblins hear the door opening, and they enter. Make a Hide check.
Satyr: 5, plus 8.
DM:
Satyr: I sneak out the way they came in.
DM: Move Silently check.
Satyr: *rolls* 13, plus 5.
DM: They don't see you. You exit the room and see *rolls* 20 goblins in a dining hall.
Satyr:
DM: You have a surprise round.
Satyr: I run out another door.
DM: You find your way to the gatehouse, but the goblins follow you, suspicious of your running away.
Satyr: Crap. I use my spear to lodge the door closed.
DM: Strength check.
Satyr: *rolls* 15, plus 1.
DM: The goblins start bashing the door.
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM: Uhh....
Satyr: Is there a window nearby?
DM:
Satyr: I secure my grappling hook, jump out, and rappel down.
DM: Use Rope and Climb?
Satyr: *rolls* Natural 20! Plus 5, and 14 plus 2 for Climb.
DM: *sigh* Fine. You rappel down the wall. It's 40 feet tall and--wait. Your rope is 20 feet. You drop off the end; Tumble check.
Satyr: *rolls* Uh, it's--
DM: If you say natural 20....
Satyr: :D
DM:
Satyr: :D
*Satyr opens the door*
Satyr: See, guys? Door open.
Party:
"Psh. Lord Stone's balls are so big, he needed to take Mounted Combat just to get out of bed."
Regarding my party's employer, a general of great renown:
"Psh. Lord Stone's balls are so big, he needed to take Mounted Combat just to get out of bed."
LOL!!
And Eldritch_Lord - I agree, that has to be one of the most awesome sessions EVAR!
The group is then ambushed by some local lizardman and their leader speaks to us.
Demon PC (me): What the hell is he blathering about ?
Mage PC (only one to understand the language): He thinks we're an invading army and tells us to leave his swamp now.
Demon PC: Well you can tell that piece of walking handbag that I really don't give a flying [censored] about his [censored] piece of swamp and there is no way in hell I am doing the return trip. If he's not happy about it, I'll grab my sword and stick it up his [censored].
Mage PC: Errr, he says he has no hostile intentions and only requests permission to cross your magnificient lands.
Ahh, nothing like translation humour to spice up a game.
"I AM THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA!"
This is a long one, but hilarious.
So we're tracking a bunch of kobold cultists trying to summon Tiamat to the Material Plane. Leaving a forest, we come to a goblin castle that's guarding the pass to the kobold's temple; there's a wide open plain in front, and no one can get across without being seen. By the way, we're all level 2. The conversation goes something like this:
Epic win.
Delvar deeps, male Dwarf infernal warlock,
Gini Von rav, female Human cleric
Alpha, Newly declared female half elf paladin
Millie, female elf ranger
Deacon Librix, male dragonborn rogue
Having left the goblin encampment they headed up the road by horseback to the river where they came upon and defeating a pack of gnolls for their canoes. They began to head up river to ashlake, three days passed without event. For day to day travel I have my players each roll a D20, if they roll a 20 it is a random encounter, a 1 and they come upon a treasure (overturned wagon, dead person, ect.) And a random number I roll as well that can either be one or the other. (they roll again 1-10 it is monster, 11-20 is treasure) Deacons player rolls a 1, this also happened to be my random roll for the chance encounter as well, I had him roll again and he got a natural 20, so treasure on treasure, Spiffy!
DM As you come to the mouth of the lake, you thief make a perception check
Deacon: Umm 13+8...21!
DM as your dragonsense is tingeling, you feel treasure nearby, shiney treasure. You, on sheer compulsion and rogueish greed, drop from your horse and start searching the riverbank, coming upon... a dwarven chest!
Deacon: All right! How big is the chest?
Mili: About a 40E, dwarfs are short but hefty!
Deacon: wait, its a dwarfs chest?
*whole table busts up laughing.while the player looks about confused*
Gini: It could be a barrel with a pair of helmets set into it side by side!
Delvar: Hey, do dwarfs have cannonballs yet?
Alpha: Hey Deacon, too bad you cant take 'advantage' of the chest with your promise to the warlord! *lewd thrusting gesture*
[*At this point we all loose composure and fall far off track with more jokes I shouldnt write here, suffice to say creative uses of the gentle repose ritual was mentioned.*]
When we got back to the game I entirely forgot what was going to be in the treasure so I made something entirely new up.
DM: You barely pull up the locked chest from the water and find a rope tied around it, the rope leads off around a crop of trees to come upon a boat(large river raft) full of barrels and crates, sitting atop it all is a tiefling merchant, on the side of the boat it seems burned into the wood "The Devils Deal".
Deacon: *looks from the chest, to the boat, back to the chest, back to the boat*...Lets kill the merchant and take all his stuff!
Snivvles-6th lvl rogue (NE)
DMPC-7th lvl ranger (CE)
Cleric
Background info alright i was playing Jarius and the ranger attacked our cleric out of nowhere and got a very good damage roll on him. well the cleric never got a chance to attack and was killed. (snivvles was a fairly new player and he had been kinda learning how to play a rogue from me so i helped him out allot of times when he had questions.)
Snivvles- i backstab the ranger: rolls hits and deals decent damage
DMPC What was that for *unsheaths his longsword*
Snivvles Your not getting to loot all that
off of himDMPC i attack snivvles rolls: misses
Jarius i sneak attack the ranger: rolls crit
DMroll your threat
Jarius rolls 20
DMPC ahh the hell with it you killed me
Snivvles yay i get the loot from the ranger and the cleric
Jarius slides a peice of paper to the dm saying when he trys to loot i sneak attack him
Snivvles i am looting the (hears d20 roll on the table and looks up to see me grinning looks at the roll a nat 20) oh
rest of the party:OMG!
2 lessons here
1. i do not tolerate inter party fights in about 10 minutes i killed 2 players basically for trying to kill the party members to get ahead
2. The DMPC never lives in our campaigns
3 lessons here
1. i do not tolerate inter party fights in about 10 minutes i killed 2 players basically for trying to kill the party members to get ahead
2. The DMPC never lives in our campaigns
3. Speak no evil, see no evil, hear no evil. :D
Jarius-8th lvl rogue (NE
Snivvles-6th lvl rogue (NE)
DMPC-7th lvl ranger (CE)
Cleric
Background info alright i was playing Jarius and the ranger attacked our cleric out of nowhere and got a very good damage roll on him. well the cleric never got a chance to attack and was killed. (snivvles was a fairly new player and he had been kinda learning how to play a rogue from me so i helped him out allot of times when he had questions.)
Snivvles- i backstab the ranger: rolls hits and deals decent damage
DMPC What was that for *unsheaths his longsword*
Snivvles Your not getting to loot all that
DMPC i attack snivvles rolls: misses
Jarius i sneak attack the ranger: rolls crit
DMroll your threat
Jarius rolls 20
DMPC ahh the hell with it you killed me
Snivvles yay i get the loot from the ranger and the cleric
Jarius slides a peice of paper to the dm saying when he trys to loot i sneak attack him
Snivvles i am looting the (hears d20 roll on the table and looks up to see me grinning looks at the roll a nat 20) oh
rest of the party:OMG!
2 lessons here
1. i do not tolerate inter party fights in about 10 minutes i killed 2 players basically for trying to kill the party members to get ahead
2. The DMPC never lives in our campaigns
You ran a game with three evil characters in it..what did you expect them to do? Have a powow?
Looks over to see a drowned Keenath and thinks "Oh my god! He's dead! I can't breath! I'm gonna die t--" *drowns*
We're all gonna DIIEEE!! *drowns*
Keoytic, LE Half Vampire
Approaching the Paladin Force,
Keoytic: How many words do you get as a free action?
DM: Six
Keotic: Then I walk up to the paladins and say, "Hi, do you has a flavor?"
Keoytic: How many words do you get as a free action?
DM: Six
Keotic: Then I walk up to the paladins and say, "Hi, do you has a flavor?"
You ran a game with three evil characters in it..what did you expect them to do? Have a powow?
not at all but just because a party is evil doesn't mean they won't work together for a common goal.
The monk was trying to find the survivers of his monastary in Underground Silverymoon. Rolling badly on his search check, he gets to a old bardic college instead. Sterotypical bards from fantasy, with big fluffy hats and playing lutes. The player, being over obvious, thinks the monks are acting strange. Another player comes, and asks "what makes you think these are monks?"
"Well, other then the big fluffy hats, not much...."
Later: The bards decided to play a prank on the serious monk. They gave him a fluffy hat as a sign of honor among them. Deciding to humor them, he did. Then failed his save from a cursed hat that makes him prance. He was prancing around, and another player "Sirius!!! What's wrong!?" The monk looked at him, and the player again spoke in a rare manner.
"Yeeeeeeeees?" (Just like the guy from the simpsons who had a stroke http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2a4ItlDRlxE for an example).
Me: Rogue 4
DB: Duskblade 4
Druid: Druid 2/Totemist 2
Cleric: Mystic 4
Blind Paladin: Paladin 3/ Knight 1
Psion: Psion 4
When the last game ended, I was knocked out while reading a scroll.
DM: You wake up, and find that you are chained to a wall.
Me: Where am I chained at?
DM: At your forehead, neck, shoulders, elbows, wrists, chest, stomach, waist, knees and ankles.
Me: So, basically the only thing I can move is my mouth and my fingers?
DM: Correct.
Me: Good. At least I still have access to a ranged attack.
I get free and return to the party. Some time later, the Cleric has found a black leather book, but it is bound shut by a lock, similar to a diary. So after she sees me, she goes:
Cleric: Sir, can you open this lock for me? *shows me the book*
Me: What makes you think I can open this lock?
Cleric: Because you have such a rougish charm about you.
Me: I don't open locks. I disable devices that impede progress.
Later still, it turns out that we need to move an entire fledgling city's population to the capital city. Before we begin the procedure for moving people, I ask the interim mayor this:
Me: So, what sort of reward will we recieve for this?
Paladin: Reward? Isn't doing a good deed for these people reward enough?
Me: Saving a town is all well and good, but I want something I can feel.
Paladin: And doing something good doesn't invoke a feeling?
Me: I meant something I can feel in my hand.
Remember that. It may just save your character's life.
I was a crazy old elven rouge/cleric who worshiped a god named Waldo who lived in a box of endless Twinkies. He was crazy, stole constantly from the paladin's profanity jar, and he spoke with a different accent each time he talked.
In the final room we found out, via fireball, that our noble was the twin and had been using us all along. We rolled initiative and I went first. I whirled on the noble/wizard and then, with a rolling Scottish accent proceeded to shout this speech:
"Ya' can use me, betray me, and stab me in da back-but never, never, hurt mah friends! Magic Missile!!" At which point I ripped open the box of Twinkies and fire Twinkie shaped force missiles at my foe...
...which were absorbed by his shield.
BBEG: "Oh, where's the cream filling?"
His barbarian henchmen then got his turn and proceeded to crit-berserk-charge-great-axe me. I was dropped to negative twenty. In a single action. :surrender
We did undead-wyver-necrotic-lance his ass in payback. And a faint clapping could be heard from the box of Twinkies as this happened. My character was later revived and spent the rest of his days spreading the word of Waldo to other lands.
We also had a lot of debates as to whether or not Waldo was really in the box, if he existed, and whether or not his existence was dependent of our recognizing his particular quantum-waveform.
I remember the last 3.5 campaign I did with my first group. It was a one shot and we were trying to get through a wizard's maze in order to find a crystal to control the weather and stop a noble (who was traveling with us)'s twin brother. We had two paladins, a druid, an elven sorcerer (necromancer), and my character.
I was a crazy old elven rouge/cleric who worshiped a god named Waldo who lived in a box of endless Twinkies. He was crazy, stole constantly from the paladin's profanity jar, and he spoke with a different accent each time he talked.
In the final room we found out, via fireball, that our noble was the twin and had been using us all along. We rolled initiative and I went first. I whirled on the noble/wizard and then, with a rolling Scottish accent proceeded to shout this speech:
"Ya' can use me, betray me, and stab me in da back-but never, never, hurt mah friends! Magic Missile!!" At which point I ripped open the box of Twinkies and threw a Twinkie at my DM...
...which were absorbed by his shield.
BBEG: "Oh, where's the cream filling?"
His barbarian henchmen then got his turn and proceeded to crit-berserk-charge-great-axe me. I was dropped to negative twenty. In a single action. :surrender
We did undead-wyver-necrotic-lance his ass in payback. And a faint clapping could be heard from the box of Twinkies as this happened. My character was later revived and spent the rest of his days spreading the word of Waldo to other lands.
We also had a lot of debates as to whether or not Waldo was really in the box, if he existed, and whether or not his existence was dependent of our recognizing his particular quantum-waveform.
Fix'd, if only because it sounds so much more funny that way.
Fix'd, if only because it sounds so much more funny that way.
Yes, but now he sounds like a twink. :P
Hedge Mage: Do you really have syphilis?
PPM: Nah...she was just joking about that.
Hedge Mage: (considers)
Hedge Mage: My opinion of you has just gone up a couple of notches. You now have zero notches.
We were on a diplomatic mission to some planet or another. Our main diplomat was a princess of one of the exotic SW races(Twi-Lek I think?). Her father didn't want her to go and insisted on sending a Star Destroyer along with us.
She said "Well, a Star Destroyer could be useful as a motivational tool."
I replied "So we'll be using American Diplomacy?"
It was a clearly out of game comment, but we laughed for weeks at that one.
We were actually playing Star Wars Saga Edition when this line came up, but it fits:
We were on a diplomatic mission to some planet or another. Our main diplomat was a princess of one of the exotic SW races(Twi-Lek I think?). Her father didn't want her to go and insisted on sending a Star Destroyer along with us.
She said "Well, a Star Destroyer could be useful as a motivational tool."
I replied "So we'll be using American Diplomacy?"
It was a clearly out of game comment, but we laughed for weeks at that one.
So sad that this is true...
"Fear me, gnom!" This is from Gnomly, our gnome paladin. To a dragon. Four times his size. He does, however, look quite imposing with that six-foot-long javelin of his. Note: He says "gnom" like moogles say "kupo".
Azm, our warforged artificer, said something to the effect of "Don't squish Gnomly." When Gnomly sighed in relief, Azm said "We can sell his components if we don't damage them too much."
"The dragon was made fun of in the third grade, it has an extra left foretoe, and particularly enjoys meat pie and philosophical discussions. But not discussions with meat pie." A twenty on a knowledge check.
So sad that this is true...
The said part is that people like you think that is the primary form, and not last resort, of diplomacy for America.
The said part is that people like you think that is the primary form, and not last resort, of diplomacy for America.
Actually, as the person who said the quote in the game, I'm a registered republican, I voted for Bush twice, I supported the war in Iraq and I don't think we should pull out without finishing the job.
Still doesn't make things any less funny. People need to lighten up.
The said part is that people like you think that is the primary form, and not last resort, of diplomacy for America.
As an American myself, I'm hoping my previous statement will soon be a thing of the past...
The said part is that people like you think that is the primary form, and not last resort, of diplomacy for America.
The "said" (sic) part is that people like you aren't buried in academic analysis of America's foreign policy from the 18th century to present. They should be, so they can become aware just how complicated it is, and how much more often it is primary, secondary or tertiary (out of way more than 3 options) than it is last resort (read: not once in America's sordid history).
Which isn't to say it's always first and foremost, but it is most assuredly never the last resort, and rarely even approaching the middle of the options.
The "said" (sic) part is that people like you aren't buried in academic analysis of America's foreign policy from the 18th century to present. They should be, so they can become aware just how complicated it is, and how much more often it is primary, secondary or tertiary (out of way more than 3 options) than it is last resort (read: not once in America's sordid history).
Which isn't to say it's always first and foremost, but it is most assuredly never the last resort, and rarely even approaching the middle of the options.
I'm well aware of what american diplomacy is. But this isn't the place to discuss this.
I'm well aware of what american diplomacy is. But this isn't the place to discuss this.
I tried discussing politics in the middle of a game once. Every time someone swung at me, they Nat-20'd. We figured that politics and D&D should remain separated after that.
One of our players was more than a little drunk during game, so during one session, after an NPC had made an offhand reference about vampires possibly being behind the shenanigans in town, he said, in a mock-surprise tone, "Vampires!?"
It didn't end there. He did that after every mention of vampires, and, even worse, all the other players began saying "Vampires!?" after even the slightest casual mention of the bloodsuckers in the game.
The player who started the whole meme then decided to write "Vampires!?" on the back of his character sheet, and now holds it up like a cue card after every mention of these undead critters...
NPC Mob Ringleader: "Leave now and we won't harm you"
Warforged Fighter looks over the mob: "Assessment: They won't hurt us"
NPC Woman, crying: "No one was supposed to get hurt!"
Warforged Fighter: "Query: Are you "loverly"?"
(the word had been used previously and he was told the barmaid was loverly as the only clarification)
Entering the office of an NPC official whose help we need:
Orc Paladin: "I won't hit you."
[it had been made very clear to her that she was not to hit him -fast talking followed immediately from the warlord]
Spelltheif: I think we're lost, where's the map?
Warmage: You have it don't you...
Spelltheif: No...
Druid: Wait, when we fell in the water, we lost our scroll case...damn it! What to do?
Warmage: Can't you talk to the forest and find out where the Red Hand are hiding? Maybe they might know?
Druid: Ok...wait, what do plants speak?
Inside the lair of a Evil Cleric of Vecna
Duskblade: I'll open the door, what do I see?
DM: A dim lit room, half collasped from the eroding cieling above you. Dirt and broken stone litter the floor. A single ray of light jaunts out from a crack in the side wall, it flickers back and forth as you step into the room. It smells of stale air, and musty furnishing.
Druid: I cast light. And daw my scimitar, and follow him in.
Paladin & Cleric: Same, we follow.
Druid moves towards the area where the light is coming out.
Duskblade: I'm going to make a listen check, what do I here?
DM: The constant sound of pounding against the wall, and muffled moans from beyond the wall. Sounds female, or somewhat female.
Druid: I look through the hole!!!
DM: As you look through the hole into another room where a faint fireplace licks with flames, you see too ghastly creatures fornacating on bed. They have pale skin, and mall bottles of blood sit on the table next to them, dipping their fingers into them as they feed off each other. You also notice that they have sharp teeth for humans.
Paladin: What did you see?
Druid: Just a bunch of vampires bumping uglies, thats all.
Cleric: Step aside, I must stop this unholy agenda that Pelor has guded us to.
After the Cleric veiws the situation, he instructs the the Druid to remove the stone wall in from of them. The Druid dispatches it with ease, and the party moves into the room, and the Paladin easily dispatches the male vampire.
BUt the female proves to powerful for them, and defeats the party, caging them for food. After capturing them, the Druid is lured in by her domination and forced to be intimate.
Druid speaking to DM
Druid: Do I have to do whatever she says.
DM: Unfortunatly yes, this nest of vampires are twisted, and like to bestow their undeath to innocent, by force of their own will unfortunately, would you like me to skip the gory details?
Druid Oh no, don't worry, I got this. I proceed to do whatever she wishes, during our, fun and intimacy, I surprise her and wild shape into a horse!!!
The Vampire strikes the Druid, and he breaks off from the spell
Druid: Take this you pale mo'fo!
Casts Flamestrike, and kills the vampire, looks down at burnt corpse of vampire
Druid: Now Thats Hot!
After trudging through the desert for days after escaping a god awful prison where we were tortured the frack up for several months, our party is upon a pristine oasis in the middle of the sands. The Oasis is fileed with beckoning naked men and women beneath shady fruit trees and an inviting spring.
Knight (Last scion of a noble family knightly type) : We're saved. Lets head over and prepare to make camp!
Ninja (Ninja Retainer...me) : My lord...I do not trust this situation.
Samurai (fight guy samurai what loves the kill) : Oh come on, naked women and water. We've been locked up too long, lets enjoy.
Ranger : ...
Ninja (To the knight) : I don't trust it...something is wrong. Its some kind of trap.
Ranger: What can be wrong.
Ninja: Because no one in this **** hole world is that attractive!
Later...after actual orders from my lord bring us to the oasis.
Rogue (eating an apple) : Its good...sniff...its good...maybe, maybe this is a sign that things are gonna be alright here on out.
Later still.
1 Vrock fight and a ton of succubus later...(they were all succubus)
Rogue: See, see. Nothing, nothing is ever so perfect. Never trust anything!
Later on...we were forced to do the military bidding for the general who had us thrown in prison.
Rogue: Wardowns...I swear by the nine I am going to poison that ****er.
GM (out of character) : I thought you said you were gonna drown him.
Rogue: Yeah, with a bucket of poison.
so, this week we got the same cast:
Delvar deeps, male Dwarf infernal warlock,
Gini Von rav, female Human cleric
Alpha, Newly declared female half elf paladin
Millie, female elf ranger
Deacon Librix, male dragonborn rogue
Having chosen to spare the merchant as he was the only one with a boat large enough to traverse the waters, they all agree for passage to ferry to the lake and back, as well as their horses. While over the waters I have the players make a perception check as they look at the lake, they see a large (3 feet across) serpent in the water off the port, and the starbord, and another off the bow. someone with a better perception notices something the others dont
Alpha: It seems our fate comes to us sooner than we expected, a lake filled with snakes.
Millie: actualy its only one snake.
Deacon:
Gini: Actualy its not a snake its a water wyrm, thats worm with a y, as in a large wingless dragon species with animal inteligence who hunts by scent and splashes in the water.
Deacon: Cool! we can take it, its a dumb wingless dragon, it will be easy as eggs to kill it.
everyone else:...
Deacon: What??? We can take it, and if its a water dragon it has to have lots of treasure in its lair! Come on it will be easy, whose with me?
Delvar: I am! whats your armor made out of again? (ac)
Deacon: leather, w-
Delvar *Grapple check, slide deacon 1 square adjacent to delvar, over the edge of the boat*
Deacon:
HELP!Milie: You know, I want to hit him, but its what I was going to do...
*one diabolic grasp later and deacon is back on the boat*
Party
Hatchet - Dwarf (With a huge mechanical arm and an axe) Me!
Short Circuit - Orc (Big bulky guy, lightning caster and a sledgehammer)
Watcher - Human (100% white nerdy hacker :D )
Havok - Human (Sniper, soldier, merc.)
Anyway, we we're taking watch and getting to know eachother and the surroundings. Eventually after 2 days of sitting around there's some movement and the gang mobs turn up. Letting them move onto the small island (we were on the coast), the Watcher was glued to his machines keeping surveilance and the Marskman was training his scopes over the thugs from a few miles away.
Myself and the Orc pulled the short straw and snuck onto the island to watch the situation unfold first hand.
We got bored.
We rolled initiative.
Havok fired a anti-tank missile at one of the amphibious craft on the island.
BOOM!
Gang mob try and gather their senses.
Queue the Dwarf and the Orc.
Short Circuit: I want to throw the Dwarf.
DM: You... what?!
Short Circuit: I want to throw the Dwarf.
Me: -nods and shrugs-
DM: Okay, you reach back with one arm and dig your feet into the ground. Gripping the dwarf by his front, you hurl him towards the nearest thug...
... and the dwarf decapitates one mid-flight, landing at the feet of another.
Me: I tackle the nearest enemy.
Watcher and Havok couldn't see or do a damn thing due to distance and the smoke from the truck, back to us two.
Orc: (Bear in mind this was his first time in combat) So what does this lightning spell do?
DM: Well, a big bubble of lightning that will fry the whole island and everyone on it... and everyone close to the island.
Orc: I DO IT!
DM: That means the.. Dwarf.. aswell..
ORC: I DO IT!
Me: -nods and shrugs, still grappling with the one I tackled-
The end result, is everyone on and near to the island died. I get off with a lucky saving throw and a handful of HP left, with the fried corpse of the chap I tackled.
Me: KILLSTEALER!
We have a bigger running gag with abusing bards- Lighting them on fire. Every bard we see ends up getting hit with either a fireball, alchemists fire, energy missile (fire), or some other form of combustion.
Yeah? Try hanging him from the ceiling of a cave full of orcs, with a sign taped to him that says Pinata, then when they gather, fireball the orcs. Oh yeah we did that.
Me: Rogue 4
DB: Duskblade 4
Druid: Druid 2/Totemist 2
Cleric: Mystic 4
Blind Paladin: Paladin 3/ Knight 1
So my character joined the thieves guild last session, in an attempt to use them for his own goals. Recent events in-story have had us begin to prepare for the possibility of encountering undead and he's attempting to be ready for anything.
Me: Good afternoon, sir.
DM: *as a dwarf blacksmith* Hello, what can I 'elp you with?
Me: I was wondering if you had a silver shortsword?
DM: I do, and I'd part with it for 1500 gold.
Me: Hmm... Unfortunately that's out of my price range. Do you know of any other shops that might sell one?
DM: Aye, but they're in a 'shady' side of town.
Me: Ahh... thank you.
Five minutes later I walk out of one of these 'shady' shops with a silver shortsword that cost me 400 gold.
Next, our cleric has been attempting to do some research on a god that is currently dead, and has been going to the city's palace library to find the books there. Well, the books are currently in the possession of the city prince, and we all suspect him of being a vampire. And the prince has invited her up to his room to get the books. She failed a will save and blacked out and swooned over the prince.
Cleric: Well, when I do wake up, I'm going to walk downstairs to go back to my brother.
DM: After she climbs down the stairs and enters the room, you all see her looking a little pale.
Me (OOC): Have a little run-in with our vampire prince, didn't you?
Cleric (OOC): Shut up. At least he didn't leave any bite marks.
DM: Actually, while you were walking downstairs, you felt your neck and pulled back some blood.
Cleric (OOC): Son of a
Me: You cold?
Cleric: Pardon?
Me: You're pale.
Cleric: I'm fine. *glares at DM, OOC* If I get some new templates next session, I'm going to stab you.
The duskblade has been magically impregnated with a god and some of the NPCs wrote him a note in Infernal. The druid has a translation book and begins to translate a note that the NPCs gave him.
DM: The note reads, 'congradulations on being able to read Infernal, but because of this we now have to kill you. You've been impregnated with a god that will disrupt the balance of nature, and to preserve the balance you must die. Goodbye.'
Druid: I copy this down into Giant (he's a Goliath) and then write down a forgery in Common, giving her directions on a wild goose chase through the town, ending at the palace.
DB: Why did you copy it down from its current language to another one before writing it so that I can read it?
Druid: Common's not my natural language, so I translated it into something that I can read easily and write it down quicker in Common.
DM: And you have to reason to believe he's lying. He's done nothing to make you think otherwise.
Druid: It's not that I don't lie; I just don't give a damn the majority of the time.
Halfling Rogue: "It seems that i have gotten taller practically overnight!"
Smartass, very Intelligent but Low-Charisma ******* Wizard(me): "You halflings are supposed to be half as tall as a human, so i guess now you're technically three-quarterlings."
Halfling Rogue: "I hate you."
Emiliani = paladin, jerk :P
**So after I rescued the paladin from being taken away by a couple of Shadar-kai cultists, I gave him the "breath of life" (CPR), doing my heal checks to patch him up. We are separated from the rest of the party/camp as I chased after the Shadar-kai. We wander around lost, until we find a hollowed out fallen tree to take refuge in. Paladin catches swamp fever, which I treat using my background in treating farm animals (lol, not the same, I know). I naturally took first watch so he can get an extended rest. And as he is falling sleep ...**
Sisa'kofa: I have a secret I've been keeping from you and the others for some time now. It scares me, and I don't know what to do. I ... I'm with child.
Emil: You mean ... inside you?!
Sisa'kofa: Yes.
Emil:
... ... it's not ...Sisa'kofa: No, it's not yours.
Emil:
::SMACK::
Sisa'kofa:
:fight!:Lol... A feylock with a child? Does that mean she (I'm assuming and hoping it's a she) will have a feylock of her own to raise? Wouldn't the child be 'touched' by the eldritch powers his/her mother used?
Actually, it was an immaculate conception by a fey lord/lady. She is just the surrogate/vessel.
Somewhere outside a car backfires.
Player: What was that?
Me: Slump to the table as if I just got shot.
My Wife: With Mr. Burn's steeple fingers. Money well spent!
As everyone is laughing about the comment, she walks to my side of the table to kiss an apology.
Me: Holding a 4th ed Monster Manual to block her. Talk to the Orcus!
4-5 rounds later he's unconcious.
Fighter: "That wasn't very inspiring..."
Me: Musashi, lvl 13 human warblade. Rather brash, loves fighting, mainly does quests to further his own power. He also looks like Toshiro Mifune.
"Zharah": Yumei, lvl 13 human monk. Not much to say about her, she's rather dull, kinda acts like Kenshiro from "Fist of the North Star" (and kicks as much a$$)
"Tom": Sarevok, lvl 12 human draconic template sorcerer. A pyromaniac, whenever things gets out of hand he burns something.
"Seth": Rand, elf lvl 9/4 rogue/swordsage. My favorite of our group. With 20 Charisma, a ring that adds +10 to bluff, and plenty of ranks in the skill. Rand usually can bluff us out of any situation, though his lies are usually out there and outlandish.
"Kaitlyn": Mystina, lvl 13 human cleric. Not very cleric-like. Whenever we do something immoral, she claims that her god wanted us to do it. Mainly just there to heal us.
"Ben": Waspinator, lvl 12 gnome bard. Our little gnome-shield.
Back again, only we're in COLLEGE! So yeah, meeting is gonna be tough. We'll try to meet, just for you guys. Just try to cut us a little slack. Anyway, we still haven't chosen a motto, What would you think of "Do unto others, and run!"?
Our ship eventually hit land, we had to continue on foot. Eventually, we hit a mountain range, Musashi wanted to climb over the mountains, but everyone else voted for navigating a system of caves. As we started to wander through, Musashi popped this gem of a one-liner:
Musashi: Why do I get the feeling that we're gonna run into a Balrog?
Well, Musashi was surprisingly close. An ogre came out of nowhere and attacked the group.
Sarevok: Just one Ogre? Fireball! *Rolls*
DM: Okay, but he only takes 14 damage.
Sarevok: Huh?
DM: High reflex save and Damage reduction.
Sarevok:
Rand: Allow me. *points behind the Ogre* I say! Is that a huge flying saucer-like object?
DM: He doesn't understand common, or any language you speak.
Rand:
DM: You are not power-gaming your way out of this battle!
Musashi: :D
DM: What?
Musashi: Sword. Of. Ogre. Decapitation.
DM: *Pounds table with both fists* F*CK! :headexplo
We Killed the Ogre and continued on our merry way. But the DM wasn't going to let us get away without an epic battle. He threw a Dragon at us. A Blue one.
Musashi: Hell yeah! Blood, for, Bishamonten!
It was a difficult battle but we eventually pulled through. Musashi held up the severed head afterwards and roared:
Musashi: Let this be a lesson to all of you! Don't F*ck with Toshiro Mifune!
This is out of Game, but with the adventures of Group W Bench on hold until further notice, I figured I owed you guys. A while ago, back when realmsofchaos and I were in a group together, I continued to berate him about giving me the sword of ogre decapitation. Eventually this conversation erupted:
Realms: So, how did the sword get it's name? Did it chop the head off a powerful ogre? Or did it cut the heads of numerous ogres, or what?
Me: Oh, no. That's it's effect.
Realms:
soooo.... it's a weapon, specifically made for decapitating ogres?Me: Yup!
Realms: ....okay!
Holding up two already dispatched goblins as shields...
The rest of the party shooting of arrows (etc) between and around his legs.
Paladin gets bord...
Paladin's Player announces, "I dump the two goblins, pull out my big sword and have a slash!"
Table reduced to tearful laughter for several minutes.
Ben
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Round One: Barbarian rages and attacks, brings rogue to -8 hit points. Cleric runs and hides. :D
Matsu Gosu: "Ha! I've got you now, king me!"
Crane Samurai: "...We're playing Go..."
Matsu Gosu: "Oooh, right right, of course...okay king me."
Warlock: I am going to use Ovarian Eruption.
If you don't play 4th, the power is Avernian Eruption.
So first off, I've wild shaped into a rhino and rammed a gate down. The paladin gets on my back, and I point out that the paladin and the druid are riding around together and dub us "The Heal-Mobile".
Secondly, the leader of the people guarding the BBEG is charging toward us, quite distraught over the loss of the booze (covertly blown up by the ranger earlier). So, the paladin, having 30 ranks in bluff and this man having 0 ranks in sense motive, he convinced him that the BBEG is hoarding the booze and prefers him sober. Shortly thereafter, the BBEG quaffed a potion and without missing a beat, the paladin said "See, there's the booze!"
Finally, near the end of the fight, the red mage was trying to kill the sorcerer and used flesh to stone. I then mused on the merits of a "flesh to awesome" spell. To which the ranger responded "Dude, they already have that, you're a rhino."
Mandy = half-elf bow fighter
Taylor = human sorcerer
Kard = half-elf rogue
Dorn = dwarf cleric
Lia = elf paladin
On our attack plan-
Show
Dorn: "Alright, Kard and I have put together a plan to attack that fort. We call it, Operation Screaming Death Balls."
Kard: **Unrolls a map of the fort with hand drawn stick figures and several scrubbled notes**
Lia: "And this is going to succeed?"
Taylor: "You know we've never taken on this many Red Wizards before."
Kard: "That's why it's going to work."
Dorn: "Alright, Kard and I have put together a plan to attack that fort. We call it, Operation Screaming Death Balls."
Kard: **Unrolls a map of the fort with hand drawn stick figures and several scrubbled notes**
Lia: "And this is going to succeed?"
Taylor: "You know we've never taken on this many Red Wizards before."
Kard: "That's why it's going to work."
Duskblade: *After getting warptouch-ed to grow vestigal wings* So... this rain gives us random stuff?
DM: Yeah, most of it bad, some of it good, and a 10% chance of death.
Duskblade: Ok.
He proceeded to run around in it for a nother 15 touches before finally dying, and having a Nymph NPC revive him.
DM: Hmm... *rolls percentile dice, grins, begins flipping through pages*
Duskblade: What?
DM: You said you'd roll a new character. I rolled for you. Congratulations, you're now a pixie.
He did amuse the DM enough so that we gained a level, so now everyone is level 6, save for the Duskblade, with the pixie having a 1 level modifier.
"After we defeated that wizard-zombie-pegasus we fell through a door and into a room, alton dodged all the boxes and a treasure chest dropped from the sky, so we exchanged a scroll for a slip and teleported to town through some hole, the town had 4 building and we got thrown INTO the tavern so i broke the diamond window with a chair that was enchanted to break windows, and the shopkeeper gives us a key mold so we ask for metal and he says no so we ask the innkeeper and he wants info so we went to the info building and he gava us A CODE so i jumped through the portal and we teleported to a room that was magically seeled so we talked to the ninja merchant and also we have this ring.."
today my regular dm was sick, so some dude comes up and asks if he can dm, we say sure, and after about an hour one guy asks for a recap, so i say
"After we defeated that wizard-zombie-pegasus we fell through a door and into a room, alton dodged all the boxes and a treasure chest dropped from the sky, so we exchanged a scroll for a slip and teleported to town through some hole, the town had 4 building and we got thrown INTO the tavern so i broke the diamond window with a chair that was enchanted to break windows, and the shopkeeper gives us a key mold so we ask for metal and he says no so we ask the innkeeper and he wants info so we went to the info building and he gava us A CODE so i jumped through the portal and we teleported to a room that was magically seeled so we talked to the ninja merchant and also we have this ring.."
Did all that actually happen or were you just BSing the guy? :D
Did all that actually happen or were you just BSing the guy? :D
that actually happened.
The party:
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard
Daxan Silver: human swashbuckler
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric (my NPC)
After being informed of the possibility that a goblin shaman-type has been stirring up the masses of goblins in the area, the trade commissioner in a podunk farming town tells the party to bring back the head of the goblin shaman. Two days later, after they killed the shaman:
Elim: Don't we need his head?
Daxan: Yeah, you're right! Let's have at it!
Shayna: Okay, does anyone have a sword?
Katrina; I have a rapier... (realizing no one has a sword with a significant edge, she picks up the corpse and slings it over her shoulder)
Next day at the trade commissioner's office:
Trade Commissioner: I just wanted his head, not the corpse.
Katrina: Well his head's still here, it's just not detached from the rest of the body...
There were several others, but this was by far the funniest.
Ranger: Oh, OK, let's go.
Unknown NPC Farmer: ...What, just like that? You don't have any questions?
Ranger: No, not really. Let's go?
Unknown NPC Farmer: Not one question about the HORRIBLE threat we face, who I am, where the village is, anything?
Ranger: *sigh* Fine, read your d*** flavor text.
------------------------------
DM: 24 angry Kobold minions are charging down the path towards you.
Dragonborn Paladin: 24? As in 5 across, 5 deep?
DM: ? Yeah, why?
Dragonborn Paladin: Did I mention that I took Enlarged Breath Attack as my second level feat just now?
DM: ...Oh you son of a...
(24 attacks are rolled. DM weeps.)
So, the party's traveling in the mountains. We get attacked by some Yeti. My Fighter and a couple other characters climb up a cliff to attack them, the rest stay down to protect an NPC we have with us. So, we kill them fairly well, but there's one left. It tries to escape, climbing another cliff. It doesn't make it all the way up in a round, so I switch to my bow and shoot it. It dies. It falls. The halfling was standing right beneath it. This is 3.5, so he rolls a reflex save. He fails horribly.
I dropped a yeti on the halfling.
In game, my response was just something along the lines of "Sorry about that."
My swordmage didn't believe in the prophecy, but he didn't want the villagers to impede his true purpose (to help against the evil).
So he said things like this:
"Thanks for the information. Here's some gold in thanks. Buy yourself something... terrible."
"Have a mediocre day!"
"We're here to help wi... I mean, we're just interested in your money!"
"Helping you birth a horse was free this time, but next time we'll be charging!"
"That lecher should stay away from her. Uh... a town with less lechers is good for business, that's all!"
In the midst of this, the wizard I was also playing was offering seminars on proper hiring procedure.
We were playing the Fort Dolor adventure last night with a mostly unaligned party, with the exception of my good genasi swordmage. There was a prophetess who had been considered a total crock, but her prophecies had started coming true. The last one was this: "Strangers will come to town with intentions of helping against the evil, but those strangers will inadvertently lead to the destruction of Fort Dolor."
My swordmage didn't believe in the prophecy, but he didn't want the villagers to impede his true purpose (to help against the evil).
So he said things like this:
"Thanks for the information. Here's some gold in thanks. Buy yourself something... terrible."
"Have a mediocre day!"
"We're here to help wi... I mean, we're just interested in your money!"
"Helping you birth a horse was free this time, but next time we'll be charging!"
"That lecher should stay away from her. Uh... a town with less lechers is good for business, that's all!"
In the midst of this, the wizard I was also playing was offering seminars on proper hiring procedure.
It's nice to know that my group isn't the only one that makes weird divergent plans when coming to a major city.
I love it so much, I even downloaded it, moved it to Microsoft word and then made a second document featuring only the best of them. Rickiel, Ajehy and cog_n_taz's characters are among the best DND characters I've ever heard of, so congratulations there.
Secondly, OatsMalone's post is definitely going on the "Best of the Best" word doc.
Thirdly, my only game so far is a PbP that just started, so I only have one zinger to throw out:
My character is Thieran, a *deep breath* eccentric holy swashbuckling rogue-mage. He's made using the excellent homebrew Bard class Saric made on these forums. He acts like Raz/David Tennant with coffee in his veins, but he has his quiet moments.
Then there's Sylis. He's your normal stargazer driven mad by forbidden knowledge. Despite having Charisma +3 higher than Thieran, a lot more uncomfortable in social situations than the vivacious bard.
In one of his quiet moments, Thieran began to sing in ancient Elven, and Sylis missed the history check by enough to know only that it sounded vaugely elven. So he tries to engage in conversation.
Sylis: "Thieran, what is that song you were singing? I have studied a few of the folk songs of the Elves and Eladrin, but never in the native tongues. It sounds quite...festive..." He gives Thieran an awkward smile.
Thieran: "Festive? No. It is part of a song about the Asuran vessel Cyrilian, one of the most graceful ships to ever sail the Sea of Rhun; specifically the verses tell of its construction, with planks of white wood from the forest of Januli. I may tell you its tragic tale later."
And then he just walked on. I knew what the song meant, and I absolutely cracked up at my desk when Sylis described it as festive.
This may be funnier if you were there. Sorry.Me: Rogue 5/Avenger 1
DB: Duskblade 5 (she's now a Pixie, so he's got a 1 level class, so he's technically L6)
Druid: Druid 2/Totemist 3/Bard 1
Cleric: Mystic 5/Saint 1
Blind Paladin: Paladin 3/ Knight 3
Psion: Psionic 6
A brief note: Our DM plays the game pretty balanced upon the rules, but has what he calls a Karma System as a personal house rule. If you do something wise in-game or greatly amuse the DM, he gives you karma points. Smart/wise/funny stuff gives positive points, stupid/DM-nerve-rattling stuff grants you negative points. If we so choose, we can add karma to our rolls to try to get that final hit to go through on a boss or succeed on a skill check. Karma became GREATLY useful for tonight's game.
Divine Guidance
Show
DM: *hands a DM note to me* You hear a disembodied female voice telling you where the gnome is at.
Me: *on same note* Why should I trust you? Gods usually use us mortals to fulfill their own selfish needs and then stab us in the back.
DM: *on same note* Because I'm not a god, and I want to help you.
Me: *on same note* Last time I asked the gods for guidance, I got a blade in the side.
DM: *hands a DM note to me* You hear a disembodied female voice telling you where the gnome is at.
Me: *on same note* Why should I trust you? Gods usually use us mortals to fulfill their own selfish needs and then stab us in the back.
DM: *on same note* Because I'm not a god, and I want to help you.
Me: *on same note* Last time I asked the gods for guidance, I got a blade in the side.
So, we've cleared out the hobgoblin castle (or the satyr has, at least) and have discovered that the kobolds that hired these hobgoblins have also set up three other castles full of goblins guarding the approach to their temples. We're currently 0 for 2 for stopping the Tiamat summoning rituals, so we need to clear out all these castles really fast. By the time we get to castle 3 we're all level 4.
Once again sblocked for space
Our party consists of a favored soul/crusader (me), a paladin, a ranger, a druid, a cleric, a wizard, and of course the satyr bard. Seven level 4 characters can handle basically anything, right? Right?
*We've basically finished clearing out castle 3, have found all the clues, items, and McGuffins we need, and are preparing to leave. This was an insanely hard fight, so we're all down to single- or low-double-digit HP and almost out of spells, but I used up all my healing spells and the cleric spontaneously inflicts, so we can't heal yet*
DM: So you head out of the room and--hold on. I missed one goblin in the last fight.
Ranger: It's one goblin; can we just skip him?
DM: I've made the encounters so you get exactly to 5th level; no goblin, no level up.
Wizard: I WANT FIREBALL. Let's kill him!
*Party agrees*
DM: Okay. As you leave the room, you see a door slam shut at the end of the hall.
Ranger: Did I see anything enter?
DM: Why yes. A goblin, in fact.
Ranger: What a coincidence. Shall we?
*Party walks to the door*
DM: The door is unlocked. It's a regular wooden door with a small window in it.
Cleric: Hmm...looks like a trap. I look through the slot.
DM: You see a small goblin holding a heavy crossbow...aiming it at your face.
Cleric: Crap!
DM: *rolls d20* Crit! *rolls damage* Max! 10 damage, times 2. 20 damage.
Cleric:
DM: What?
Cleric: ...I have 8 HP.
DM: Oo...kay. A bolt lodges in the cleric's skull, dropping him in one hit.
Party: :OMG!
Wizard: What the was that!
DM: That's a Monster Manual-standard goblin with a heavy crossbow.
Ranger: Kill the bastard!
*The paladin and I get in position by the door; the ranger, wizard, and druid get in back; the satyr opens the door*
Paladin: CHARGE! SMITE EVIL! *rolls d20* A 1!
DM: The paladin charges up and swings right over the goblin's head; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow. Next?
Favored Soul: For Kord! I run up and Mountain Hammer his ass! *rolls d20* Another 1! Crap!
DM: The favored soul charges up and swings right over the goblin's head, barely missing the paladin; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow.
Druid: That's it. My animal companion charges too. *rolls d20* Another 1!? Holy ****, somebody gave us loaded dice!
DM: :evillaugh The wolf charges up and bumps into the wall, barely missing the favored soul; the goblin's cranking his crossbow.
Druid: I'm going to ready an action to cast flaming sphere when everyone's out of the way or if he tries to escape.
DM: Fine. Next?
Ranger: Can I attack from here?
DM: You can...but the paladin, favored soul, and wolf together provide cover.
Ranger: I'll risk it. *rolls* 7, plus 11; 18.
DM: *checks goblin's AC* Heh.
Ranger: What?
DM: With the cover, you miss. He doesn't bother to dodge and--
Ranger: Let me guess. He keeps cranking his crossbow?
DM: Yup. Crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Damn him! I want 5th level! *checks sheet* I'm out of magic missiles, dammit...Yes! Scorching ray! *rolls* It's...not higher than an 18.
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Wait! Touch attack! What's his touch AC?
DM: 12.
Wizard: Dammit.
Druid: Still didn't hit!? Okay, that's it! I hope you guys can take a flaming sphere, 'cause I'm taking this sucker down! Flaming sphere on his space.
DM: So that's a reflex save, DC? *checks sheet* Okay... *rolls* ...uh...
Druid: And...?
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....crank...crank...crank...crank....
Party: GODS DAMMIT!
Satyr: Come on, luck, don't fail me now...I throw my daggers. *rolls* *rolls* *looks at dice* *looks at DM* *looks at dice*
DM:
Satyr: You know what? **** you.
DM: And...it's the goblin's turn. It's a full-round action to reload, so he takes a 5-foot step back from the flaming sphere and keeps cranking, and cranking, and cranking, and cranking....Next?
Paladin: Well, the favored soul and wolf and I can't risk the damage at this point, so I'm gonna retreat. Guys?
Favored soul: Same.
Druid: My wolf comes back, too. Give the ranger a clear shot.
DM: Okay. Next is the ranger.
Ranger: Rapid shot. *rolls* *rolls* Let's see, that's a 14 and 16 total.
Wizard: Goblins have 15 AC! You got him!
DM: Rapid shot is -2 to each. Did you take that into account?
Ranger: ...uh...no. 12 and 14.
DM: :D Crank...crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Fine. I don't have anything left that will help. Bard?
Satyr: Daggers again, mother! *rolls* *rolls* A 1 and a 2 plus 9. !!!!
DM: Aaaand...the goblin goes. He shoots at the wizard. *rolls* 18 total. Damage...*rolls*...8.
Wizard. I have 2.
DM: The goblin stops cranking his crossbow, levels it at the wizard, and takes him in the chest. He drops. The goblin then flees. :D
Paladin: We can't leave the wizard, and if we split up the party...
Favored soul: DON'T. SPLIT. THE. PARTY. With our luck, who knows how many other goblins there are?
DM: So he gets away?
Party: Yes.
DM: You do realize he was a standard goblin right?
Party: Yes.
DM: A single CR 1/3 creature held off a seven-person party of level 4 PCs, killing 1 and KOing 1?
Party: YES.
DM: :D I think I shall call him...Squee.
Party: RECURRING VILLAIN! WE'RE ****ED!
DM: :evillaugh
*We've basically finished clearing out castle 3, have found all the clues, items, and McGuffins we need, and are preparing to leave. This was an insanely hard fight, so we're all down to single- or low-double-digit HP and almost out of spells, but I used up all my healing spells and the cleric spontaneously inflicts, so we can't heal yet*
DM: So you head out of the room and--hold on. I missed one goblin in the last fight.
Ranger: It's one goblin; can we just skip him?
DM: I've made the encounters so you get exactly to 5th level; no goblin, no level up.
Wizard: I WANT FIREBALL. Let's kill him!
*Party agrees*
DM: Okay. As you leave the room, you see a door slam shut at the end of the hall.
Ranger: Did I see anything enter?
DM: Why yes. A goblin, in fact.
Ranger: What a coincidence. Shall we?
*Party walks to the door*
DM: The door is unlocked. It's a regular wooden door with a small window in it.
Cleric: Hmm...looks like a trap. I look through the slot.
DM: You see a small goblin holding a heavy crossbow...aiming it at your face.
Cleric: Crap!
DM: *rolls d20* Crit! *rolls damage* Max! 10 damage, times 2. 20 damage.
Cleric:
DM: What?
Cleric: ...I have 8 HP.
DM:
Oo...kay. A bolt lodges in the cleric's skull, dropping him in one hit.Party: :OMG!
Wizard: What the
was that!DM: That's a Monster Manual-standard goblin with a heavy crossbow.
Ranger: Kill the bastard!
*The paladin and I get in position by the door; the ranger, wizard, and druid get in back; the satyr opens the door*
Paladin: CHARGE! SMITE EVIL! *rolls d20*
A 1!DM: The paladin charges up and swings right over the goblin's head; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow. Next?
Favored Soul: For Kord! I run up and Mountain Hammer his ass! *rolls d20* Another 1! Crap!
DM:
The favored soul charges up and swings right over the goblin's head, barely missing the paladin; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow.Druid: That's it. My animal companion charges too. *rolls d20* Another 1!? Holy ****, somebody gave us loaded dice!
DM: :evillaugh The wolf charges up and bumps into the wall, barely missing the favored soul; the goblin's cranking his crossbow.
Druid: I'm going to ready an action to cast flaming sphere when everyone's out of the way or if he tries to escape.
DM: Fine. Next?
Ranger: Can I attack from here?
DM: You can...but the paladin, favored soul, and wolf together provide cover.
Ranger: I'll risk it. *rolls* 7, plus 11; 18.
DM: *checks goblin's AC* Heh.
Ranger: What?
DM: With the cover, you miss. He doesn't bother to dodge and--
Ranger: Let me guess. He keeps cranking his crossbow?
DM: Yup. Crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Damn him! I want 5th level! *checks sheet* I'm out of magic missiles, dammit...Yes! Scorching ray! *rolls* It's...not higher than an 18.
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Wait! Touch attack! What's his touch AC?
DM: 12.
Wizard: Dammit.
Druid: Still didn't hit!? Okay, that's it! I hope you guys can take a flaming sphere, 'cause I'm taking this sucker down! Flaming sphere on his space.
DM: So that's a reflex save, DC? *checks sheet* Okay... *rolls* ...uh...
Druid: And...?
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....crank...crank...crank...crank....
Party: GODS DAMMIT!
Satyr: Come on, luck, don't fail me now...I throw my daggers. *rolls* *rolls* *looks at dice* *looks at DM* *looks at dice*
DM:
Satyr: You know what? **** you.
DM: And...it's the goblin's turn. It's a full-round action to reload, so he takes a 5-foot step back from the flaming sphere and keeps cranking, and cranking, and cranking, and cranking....Next?
Paladin: Well, the favored soul and wolf and I can't risk the damage at this point, so I'm gonna retreat. Guys?
Favored soul: Same.
Druid: My wolf comes back, too. Give the ranger a clear shot.
DM: Okay. Next is the ranger.
Ranger: Rapid shot. *rolls* *rolls* Let's see, that's a 14 and 16 total.
Wizard: Goblins have 15 AC! You got him!
DM: Rapid shot is -2 to each. Did you take that into account?
Ranger: ...uh...no. 12 and 14.
DM: :D Crank...crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard:
Fine. I don't have anything left that will help. Bard?Satyr: Daggers again, mother
! *rolls* *rolls* A 1 and a 2 plus 9. !!!!DM: Aaaand...the goblin goes. He shoots at the wizard. *rolls* 18 total. Damage...*rolls*...8.
Wizard.
I have 2.DM: The goblin stops cranking his crossbow, levels it at the wizard, and takes him in the chest. He drops. The goblin then flees. :D
Paladin: We can't leave the wizard, and if we split up the party...
Favored soul: DON'T. SPLIT. THE. PARTY. With our luck, who knows how many other goblins there are?
DM: So he gets away?
Party: Yes.
DM: You do realize he was a standard goblin right?
Party: Yes.
DM: A single CR 1/3 creature held off a seven-person party of level 4 PCs, killing 1 and KOing 1?
Party: YES.
DM: :D I think I shall call him...Squee.
Party:
RECURRING VILLAIN! WE'RE ****ED!DM: :evillaugh
Another funny line from the campaign with the castle-breaking satyr. It seems luck either really likes us or really hates us.
So, we've cleared out the hobgoblin castle (or the satyr has, at least) and have discovered that the kobolds that hired these hobgoblins have also set up three other castles full of goblins guarding the approach to their temples. We're currently 0 for 2 for stopping the Tiamat summoning rituals, so we need to clear out all these castles really fast. By the time we get to castle 3 we're all level 4.Once again sblocked for spaceOur party consists of a favored soul/crusader (me), a paladin, a ranger, a druid, a cleric, a wizard, and of course the satyr bard. Seven level 4 characters can handle basically anything, right? Right?
*We've basically finished clearing out castle 3, have found all the clues, items, and McGuffins we need, and are preparing to leave. This was an insanely hard fight, so we're all down to single- or low-double-digit HP and almost out of spells, but I used up all my healing spells and the cleric spontaneously inflicts, so we can't heal yet*
DM: So you head out of the room and--hold on. I missed one goblin in the last fight.
Ranger: It's one goblin; can we just skip him?
DM: I've made the encounters so you get exactly to 5th level; no goblin, no level up.
Wizard: I WANT FIREBALL. Let's kill him!
*Party agrees*
DM: Okay. As you leave the room, you see a door slam shut at the end of the hall.
Ranger: Did I see anything enter?
DM: Why yes. A goblin, in fact.
Ranger: What a coincidence. Shall we?
*Party walks to the door*
DM: The door is unlocked. It's a regular wooden door with a small window in it.
Cleric: Hmm...looks like a trap. I look through the slot.
DM: You see a small goblin holding a heavy crossbow...aiming it at your face.
Cleric: Crap!
DM: *rolls d20* Crit! *rolls damage* Max! 10 damage, times 2. 20 damage.
Cleric:
DM: What?
Cleric: ...I have 8 HP.
DM:
Party: :OMG!
Wizard: What the
DM: That's a Monster Manual-standard goblin with a heavy crossbow.
Ranger: Kill the bastard!
*The paladin and I get in position by the door; the ranger, wizard, and druid get in back; the satyr opens the door*
Paladin: CHARGE! SMITE EVIL! *rolls d20*
DM: The paladin charges up and swings right over the goblin's head; the goblin doesn't even try to dodge, but continues cranking his crossbow. Next?
Favored Soul: For Kord! I run up and Mountain Hammer his ass! *rolls d20* Another 1! Crap!
DM:
Druid: That's it. My animal companion charges too. *rolls d20* Another 1!? Holy ****, somebody gave us loaded dice!
DM: :evillaugh The wolf charges up and bumps into the wall, barely missing the favored soul; the goblin's cranking his crossbow.
Druid: I'm going to ready an action to cast flaming sphere when everyone's out of the way or if he tries to escape.
DM: Fine. Next?
Ranger: Can I attack from here?
DM: You can...but the paladin, favored soul, and wolf together provide cover.
Ranger: I'll risk it. *rolls* 7, plus 11; 18.
DM: *checks goblin's AC* Heh.
Ranger: What?
DM: With the cover, you miss. He doesn't bother to dodge and--
Ranger: Let me guess. He keeps cranking his crossbow?
DM: Yup. Crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Damn him! I want 5th level! *checks sheet* I'm out of magic missiles, dammit...Yes! Scorching ray! *rolls* It's...not higher than an 18.
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard: Wait! Touch attack! What's his touch AC?
DM: 12.
Wizard: Dammit.
Druid: Still didn't hit!? Okay, that's it! I hope you guys can take a flaming sphere, 'cause I'm taking this sucker down! Flaming sphere on his space.
DM: So that's a reflex save, DC? *checks sheet* Okay... *rolls* ...uh...
Druid: And...?
DM: Crank...crank...crank...crank....crank...crank...crank...crank....
Party: GODS DAMMIT!
Satyr: Come on, luck, don't fail me now...I throw my daggers. *rolls* *rolls* *looks at dice* *looks at DM* *looks at dice*
DM:
Satyr: You know what? **** you.
DM: And...it's the goblin's turn. It's a full-round action to reload, so he takes a 5-foot step back from the flaming sphere and keeps cranking, and cranking, and cranking, and cranking....Next?
Paladin: Well, the favored soul and wolf and I can't risk the damage at this point, so I'm gonna retreat. Guys?
Favored soul: Same.
Druid: My wolf comes back, too. Give the ranger a clear shot.
DM: Okay. Next is the ranger.
Ranger: Rapid shot. *rolls* *rolls* Let's see, that's a 14 and 16 total.
Wizard: Goblins have 15 AC! You got him!
DM: Rapid shot is -2 to each. Did you take that into account?
Ranger: ...uh...no. 12 and 14.
DM: :D Crank...crank...crank...crank...crank....
Wizard:
Satyr: Daggers again, mother
DM: Aaaand...the goblin goes. He shoots at the wizard. *rolls* 18 total. Damage...*rolls*...8.
Wizard.
DM: The goblin stops cranking his crossbow, levels it at the wizard, and takes him in the chest. He drops. The goblin then flees. :D
Paladin: We can't leave the wizard, and if we split up the party...
Favored soul: DON'T. SPLIT. THE. PARTY. With our luck, who knows how many other goblins there are?
DM: So he gets away?
Party: Yes.
DM: You do realize he was a standard goblin right?
Party: Yes.
DM: A single CR 1/3 creature held off a seven-person party of level 4 PCs, killing 1 and KOing 1?
Party: YES.
DM: :D I think I shall call him...Squee.
Party:
DM: :evillaugh
Another funny line from the campaign with the castle-breaking satyr. It seems luck either really likes us or really hates us.
So, we've cleared out the hobgoblin castle (or the satyr has, at least) and have discovered that the kobolds that hired these hobgoblins have also set up three other castles full of goblins guarding the approach to their temples. We're currently 0 for 2 for stopping the Tiamat summoning rituals, so we need to clear out all these castles really fast. By the time we get to castle 3 we're all level 4.
I agree with RPJesus - made of win.
for you. I'd give you a dragon, but I'm all out, so here's 
and a [Note: I'd have included the story, but then the images I'd added passed the limit.
]I agree with RPJesus - made of win.
[Note: I'd have included the story, but then the images I'd added passed the limit.
Thank you, thank you.
We have another game tomorrow, so I'll probably have another good one. Stay tuned! :D
the cleric asked if he could worship me (the DM)
While, flattered i said no.
The party (all 2nd level):
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue
Katrina Starsong: half-elf bard
Daxan Silver: human swashbuckler
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric (my NPC)
The party had just scored some primo reservations in a very upscale inn (thanks to Katrina's reputation as a singer) and Elim was getting resteless...
Katrina: Stop appraising the carpet!
Later the party caught a cohort of the local thieves' guild that was suspected of capturing the princess in exchange for her brother's exorbitant gambling debts. After tying him up and using him as a bargaining tool to get the princess back this exchange happens:
Katrina: I have to give up my toy?
Daxan: Yes! I want my rope back!
More from today's action, a review of the cast of characters:
The party (all 2nd level):
Elim Shadowfoot: halfling rogue
Kendra Starsong: half-elf bard
Daxan Silver: human swashbuckler
Shayna Treestrider: elf cleric (my NPC)
The party had just scored some primo reservations in a very upscale inn (thanks to Katrina's reputation as a singer) and Elim was getting resteless...
I might be missing something, but ... who's Katrina?
The Party:
Kaye Taum: My character. A Newman Guntecher (combination of Gunner and Mage) and former member of the Communion of Gurhal. Is quite cool, calm and collected (used to work for the Neudaiz equivalent of homocide), but has a great big blind spot in the shape of one Hyuga Ryght, the biggest pervert in the GUARDIANS. She's convinced that he's a perfect young gentleman. :D
Sen: A CAST Acrofighter (has the damage capability of a Rogue/Barbarian and Evasion to boot) with the android equivalent of Multiple Personality Syndrome. She's like listening to Kryten talk to his heads, only they've all got droid rot. Has a soft spot for anything 'cute', most notably Fenrir.
Fenrir: A small Beast Protranser (Trapmaster) who carries more traps than the rest of us have seen in our entire careers. Former Rogue who eventually joined the GUARDIANS because the pay's better and he was less likely to get stabbed in the back. He wasn't expecting the CAST glompings though.
Stryke: A CAST Fighgunner (give him a saber and a handgun and stand well back!) who got booted out of the military because he pulled a 'Klinger', but instead of dressing like a woman he dressed like a 'fleshy'. Completely bizarre, faints during autopsies, and asks the kind of questions that has the rest of us either laughing ourselves sick or gaping in utter confusion.
The Quotes:
Stryke: What's it like having tastebuds?
Stryke: *having a staring contest with Sen* Your visual processes flickered. I win!
Fenrir: *a conversation about Hyuga that went south quickly* You are aware of his reputation, aren't you?
Kaye: He's a perfect young gentleman!
Stryke: You're talking about Hyuga?
Sen: Mmm-hmm.
Stryke: There is an 87% chance that Hyuga will defile you multiple times.
Kaye:
:embarrass Everyone Else: *including the GM* :evillaugh
Kaye: *casting Megid for about the 15th time in a row* If you don't know what I'm doing by now, Mr. T pities you.
Sen: *glomping Fenrir... who is less than half her size* Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
Fenrir:
Can't... breathe...Stryke: Don't break the Beast, we need him later.
Kaye: *after Stryke shuts down during an autopsy* Didn't he used to be in the AMF?
Gasco: WTF?
Xiao: What? What'd I do now?
Gasco: ...Explain your Quickenings to me.
Xiao: Well, there's Symbol of Wrath, Symbol of Time, and Symbol of Peace.
Gasco: Wrath and Time I get. But Peace? Why Symbol of Peace for your most powerful attack?
Xiao: Well... Liv believes in peace, right? Usually at the other end of her gun, but still peace.
Gasco: I still don't follow.
Xiao: Well, what better way to bring peace than to put down the bringers of war than in the quickest, most final way possible?
Gasco: What scares me the most is that your explanation actually makes sense.
DM: "you fall make your reflex check to grab the ledge as that was an illusion.
Me: "i fail, I cast feather fall to slow my fall."
Evil matt: " i will save you jew, I fire an arrow to him with a rope attached, hey I roled a nat twenty."
DM: "you save him oh and Evan you have an arrow stuck through your leg and it is piercing the bone."
Me: ok I will attack the monster oh yeah he is dead
Npc: I throw my oricish shockput at the other monster, whoops miss whoops crit and another sorry evan your dead.
Me: .............. there weren't any more monster left
DM (playing npc): whoops my bad, guess you got betrayed by your loyal npc.
Evil matt: I walk up behind the orc npc and drive my sword through his stomach, while saying if we are going to be cutting back on who we are splitting with I might as well take it all.
Lowel the elven arcane archer: (after running from one town to the other crossing the horrible bog of death, and letting our necromancer get eaten all to get to the next town to lend me a hand with some work my character was doing. "I can only say I wish I had more friends to give for my cause."
Me: "oh lets go to the underdark you say could be fun you say, now who is going to true res all your corpses" (this was done while talking to all the parties corpses excluding the barbarian after a banshee killed most of the party in one round and I had to stone of recall all of us out of there and res about 3 players.)
P1: [Picks random NPC patron] Hey, are you eyein' me?
DM: An elderly Gnome in business robes turns towards you, "Pardon?"
P1: I said are you eyein' me?
NPC: I.. no, I'm not-
P2: He's calling you a liar!
NPC: What! No, I'm-
P1: Oh, you are SO eyein' me.
NPC: I'm sorry, I didn't mean-
P2: Again! He's doing it again!
NPC: I'm just trying to-
P1: What, you wanna start something?
NPC: [near tears] Please, just let me-
P1: THAT'S IT! *punch*
------------------------------------------------------
[The PCs, Vanador and Dimitry, have just survived an ambush in a market on the way to their new unnamed guild house after which the assailant unceremoniously exploded, and are now in the middle of a circle of shocked public.]
V: [Dusts self, turns to crowd.] Yeah, that's right, b****es. We're Vanador and Dimitry. We killed a Dragon, we burned down the Thieves' Guild, and we just blew the F*** out of that punk.
D: We're takin' over and openin' up shop. Come check out the.... the VD Clinic, if you want to see us!
DM: *stunned silence*
D: ...Check into it!
V: Open 24-Hours!
D: Discreet services!
V: Affordable prices!
D: No questions asked!
V: For those itches you need scratched!
D: When you've got heads you need busted!
DM: *sepuku*
A man was dead and the PC's were the ones investigating. They had 6 realistic suspects, and their job was to determine who the killer is. I was expecting the party to ask townsfolk and people of import about the suspects, which would have definitely arisen suspicions about the killer, but they relied on direct questioning of the suspects only. I was also expecting them to do some searching of the crime scene, but they only searched the exits, where they found a black smudge. Further investigation of the premises would uncover a vial of the same material as the smudge, which if investigated further would point in the direction of the real killer, but they were satisfied when they found the black smudge on the window sill. The one red herring that I placed in my mystery was a beautiful woman named Jasmine that one of the suspects was lovesick with, which was hopeless because Jasmine was a gold-digger and only had time for admirers with money, which as a mere journalist, he was not. The victim, however, was well off, and was indeed seeing Jasmine. No other evidence was pointed at the journalist, the only thing against him was motive. So, the party, who had been completely unobservant up to this point, does ask one interesting question of the townsfolk, if this could have been a crime of passion. They proceeded to ask about the relationship status of the victim and then through some very focused investigative work, made the connection between victim-Jasmine-Journalist. Someone in the party then concluded that the smudge must be ink, and everyone in the party agreed without checking it out. That sealed it for the journalist, the party was convinced of his guilt and set upon investigating him in a very amusing way.
The Cleric started befriending the journalist while the charismatic fighter started spending time (and money) with Jasmine. The rest of the party watched the interactions and looked for signs from the sidelines. Nothing happened. Feeling that he was simply unaware of the recent development between Jasmine and the fighter, they made sure the the journalist saw the couple out in public on a date. The journalist was shaken and upset, but of course he did not take the action the party was hoping for. They applied even more pressure on both fronts-Jasmine was soon walking on clouds in an expensive new dress every day, and sporting exquisite jewelry. The journalist was now receiving prodding from the Cleric "you going to let that happen to you?" "Are you a man, or a mouse?!?" and the journalist was constantly morose, drinking with the cleric, and taking the news extremely hard. We were running out of time for the night, and one of the players made the comment "If he's not the killer, we're going to turn him into one damnit!" I then decided to put an end to the journalist's involvement, telling the party that the journalist was nothing more than an empty shell of a human being now, completely inconsolable, and laying it on pretty thick that any evidence of a zest for life had been completely disintegrated in the past couple of weeks. The party finally gave up on the journalist, when the cleric asked me if he was still of good alignment, I simply laughed, and the line that will go down in infamy in our circle is "well.....who's life should we ruin next?"
"who needs armor when you can just jump out of the way"
ohh and you should read my signature.
Wizard: Yeah.
Fighter: So what the heck do we do?
Sorc: Well... *pulls out MASSIVE stock pile of explosive runes*
Wizard: Was that all you were carying!?
Sorc: Yeah.
*sorc jumping up and down infront of the evil wizardwith explosive runes all over him*
Sorc: HEY! DON'T LOOK, DON'T DO IT!
We had just consumed 72 cans of Mt. Dew, haven't slept for two days, Explosive rues is my FAVORITE spell ever, and we were all laughing our heads off.
Me: 5! What a load of crap, game over!
Mirror Image is a heck of a spell.
Her: "Uh, epic destinies? That's like Epic in WoW, right?"
Me: "Not quite, but... close enough."
*Continues to read*
Her: "DEMI-GOD!?" :evillaugh
After having just gotten the group together (and they picked a pregen character).
Me (DM): "Well, you're starting in the City of Stormreach, a city where there's no such thing as innocent bystanders. No innocents period. [...] Now, I'm curious to know, have you travelled to the city, lived there all your life or what? Basically, tell me who your characters are" *leans back*
Swordmage: "Well, I've lived in Stormreach all of my life. My parents had to flee to the city because of a story with my father and the kings... horse."
Me: "His horse?"
Swordmage: "It's not a proud family story, no."
Skamos the tiefling helllock pyro: Awww...
Me: Unless you set the wizard on fire. That's funny!
Me: "Y'know what, I don't care anymore. Let's go fight Sephiroth."
Alak, the swordmage: Run, Ska! Run through the fire!
Ska: Because I have fire resistance?
Alak: You have fire resistance!? There goes that plan.
Alak, the swordmage: Run, Ska! Run through the fire!
Ska: Because I have fire resistance?
Alak: You have fire resistance!? There goes that plan.
That so reminded me of the Simpsons.Homer: *Blows the head off an undead zombie with his shotgun.*
Bart: Dad! You shot zombie Flanders!
Homer: Flanders was a zombie?
Me (DM): "Well, you're starting in the City of Stormreach, a city where there's no such thing as innocent bystanders. No innocents period. [...] Now, I'm curious to know, have you travelled to the city, lived there all your life or what? Basically, tell me who your characters are" *leans back*
Swordmage: "Well, I've lived in Stormreach all of my life. My parents had to flee to the city because of a story with my father and the kings... horse."
Me: "His horse?"
Swordmage: "It's not a proud family story, no."
:D Bwahahahahahahaha! That's brilliant! You've got yourself a keeper with that player.
After having just gotten the group together (and they picked a pregen character).
Me (DM): "Well, you're starting in the City of Stormreach, a city where there's no such thing as innocent bystanders. No innocents period. [...] Now, I'm curious to know, have you travelled to the city, lived there all your life or what? Basically, tell me who your characters are" *leans back*
Swordmage: "Well, I've lived in Stormreach all of my life. My parents had to flee to the city because of a story with my father and the kings... horse."
Me: "His horse?"
Swordmage: "It's not a proud family story, no."
Definately, id like to know what his backstory is :P
But this hasnt really happened in a dnd game, but more for the prep of one ...
So, im going to be adventuring with a Silver Dragon baleful polymorphed into a geeko ... and a fox who can cast magic ... i think this is offically the weirdest thing ever :P
-----------------------------------------------------------------
DM: You glance around the corner of the cave and see walls with silently burning torches with dark shadows everywhere. A hissing voice comes from the shadows in the back of the room.
PC (Vanador): What does he look like?
DM: He's in the shadows, you can't see him.
PC: I have Low Light vision and a 21 Passive Perception Check.
DM: ...because he's behind a series of tapestries. That are all around the room, in fact. Where the deep shadows were.
PC: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. And what's on these tapestries, per chance? 'F*** You, Vanador'?
DM: Underneath the image of a middle finger, yes.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: It's just a Gravehound, we can take him!
Dimitry: They're pretty tough, man.
V: We've beat them before, right?
D: Without an armored cart full of chickens?
V: ...Fair point.
--------------------------------------------------------------------
*5 minutes later, the war cry of the party*
Both: F***ING DOGS!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
DM: Your sword slams down into the Ochre Jelly, cutting off a large section of it. It is now bloodied.
Vanador: YES!
Dimitry: NO! I just remembered what happenes to them when they get bloodied!
DM: Stop reading the Monster Manual!
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: I'll do a bird call to let you know to move forward. What kind of birds are around here?
DM: Roll Nature.
Vanador: *rolls*
DM: The Tucan is a fairly typical bird of this particular forest.
Vanador: *sigh*
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Vanador: Alright, my next call will be that of a burrowing red fox.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
See you next week!
To a distressed eladrin who's family has OBVIOUSLY just been killed.
NPC: *Sniffle* Why, why its not fair!
Necromancer: What's wrong? They are still usable...
Cleric: Do you need to rest on my lap?
Rolling Initiative Rolls
Fighter to Warlock: Sweet now I get to go first as well as kick your
...After opening a trapped chest
Fighter 2: OMG IT BUUURRRNNNNSSSS!
(The rogue discovered the trap and refused to disarm it. The rogue didn't want to risk the damage so the crazy fighters just opens it. 10d6 damage, surprisingly a lvl 2 fighter overcame it.)
10d6 damage, surprisingly a lvl 2 fighter overcame it.
Fighter 2 and 10d6 fire damage just doesn't go together in my books
Definately, id like to know what his backstory is :P
That was his background.
I have told my players that I'm interested if they want to write something and hand it in, but one player doesn't write stories and the other is too shy to let anyone read her stories...
Still, all I have is basic stories that they're both natives of the city, semi-criminals (turning hardcore criminals by the second session
) and not exactly heroes but just people who want to mind their own business (yet somehow they manage to get into all sorts of **** :embarrass )---
Halfling Rogue: Miriam
Human Swordmage: Kilian
Setting: They've been instructed to help bring back some crates of exotic wine for their employer, the ship having just landed in port that morning. Their employer is worried that someone might steal it, so they're sent along to ensure that the wine reaches him safely.
Anyway, four dwarves are loading those very crates onto their own wagon by the time the PCs get there. A fight breaks out.
Due to good rolls on my part and bad rolls on theirs, they've dropped one of the dwarves and are both bloodied, the Swordmage having already spent his second wind. The following exchange takes place:
Miriam: Should we just retreat?
Kilian: Nah, one more attempt and THEN we run
Miriam: If we try one more time, we're dead! Get it? Dead. I like my character, I don't wanna die!
Kilian: Wait- are we 100% sure that it's OUR wine they're taking. That the captain didn't have more than one load?
Later in the fight (yes, they're suicidal. Somehow they managed to survive, though):
Miriam: Sly Flourish *rolls low* Miss!
Kilian (to me, the DM): Quick, write that down!
Me: What?
Kilian: That's the first time in this campaign she's missed with an attack
Note: We were mid-way through our second session at that point!
"Is that a torch, or are you just happy to see me?"
I really should keep more notes at the table...
Rogue to DM, asking about a cook in the kitchen: "Is she wearing an apron or JUST an apron?"
Elf: "Ill have hot chocolate with marshmellows please"
Demon:"ahhhh... ok... what are marshmellows?"
Elf:"fluffy clouds of sugary goodness"
Dragonborn:"its an elf thing... dont worry about it"
Dwarf:"After that comment I think I will have some ale after all..."
To the Elven Ranger with a Tiefling Lock and Drangonborn monk in tow in the woods:
DM: "Your doing the best you can to maneuver through the forests with sir stomps-a-lot and mr. complains behind you..."
Female Elf Ranger: "I am going to go to the common room scantily clad and find me some sailors to hook up with"
Male Tiefling Warlock: "Cool Im going to go follow her"
DM: "Your going to go talk to some sailors?.... that sounds kinda gay...."
And After that encounter.....*after seducing information out of two sailors at the same time all night long*
Elf: "Its called sexiponage"
DM: "I need to find out what websites you're going to..."
I am sure there will be more to follow--our Elf speaks often before she thinks...
Who thought the goblins would like kittens?
Can I get my implement changed to Wii-mote?
Is 'cop-a-feel' a free action?
'I want your sister' is not an insult to a hobgoblin. He wants his sister too.
I forgot to curse him.This one needs a little set up. One of our players has a pet peeve about the word "across" being pronounced as "acrosst". (She is Player 3 below)
DM: He moves acrosst...
Player 1: There is no T in across!
Player 2: Yay!
Player 3: I was just gritting my teeth.
Player 2: Ha HA There is no f
T in across.DM: In a correcting grammar tone of voice. There is no copulating T in across.
Player 1: There is no T in copulating! ... Well I don't know how YOU do it.
My player is helping me review this post.
Him: Is it bad that I contributed about 75% of these?
Me: No that is why we keep you in the group.
Situation #1 (meta-game:
Me: "Why is it that the Book of Vile Darkness is used only in our strictly non-evil campaigns? We never use it in our evil-only campaigns?"
Situation #2: We had just been attacked by a group called The Black Guard and were iinterrogating the leader of the attack (the only one we'd left alive).
Player #1: "Tell us what you know!"
NPC: "Never!"
Player #2: "If you don't tell us you'll find that we're every bit as cruel as your people are"
*At this point Player #3 is flipping through the torture section of BoVD*
Player #3: "So if we put him in an iron maiden at highest setting, while pouring hot lead onto him and cutting off his fingers that would put our total bonus at X"
DM: "Well he still doesn't talk."
Me (OOC): Okay? So he's just been tortured in such a... horrific way and he doesn't talk?
DM: "That's right."
Me: "I tire of this." *Charm Person*
Situation #3: We'd just finished getting our information and wanted to set the prisoner loose, but we knew he was a powerful enemy and feared that he might come back to haunt us. Thus the following exchange:
Me: "So... if we let you go, what will you do?"
NPC: "Return to my masters for new equipment and return to finish my assignment."
Me (OOC): "He's still under effects of Charm Person, y'know?"
*DM nods*
Me: "Alright then... but if you try and kill us again we won't be so lenient. You just saw us kill over a dozen of your men without committing our full resources and subdue you without sustaining any serious injuries... so..."
NPC: "I live only for my mission"
Me: "Fine... Any family?"
NPC: "No."
Me: "Friends?"
NPC: "None."
Me: "C'mon, don't you have anything other than your job?"
NPC: "I live only to serve."
Me (OOC): "What was the point of you wanting us to roleplay this again? He's useless!"
Me (OOC): "I cast mindrape and make him believe his entire life has been that of a common peasant. His greatest ambition is to become an innkeeper... seeing as how I don't want anyone to be able to break the effect, I'll let him keep his alignment, so he'll overcharge people, but what do we care?"
DM: :OMG!
2 Native American Braves (I'm one of them)
1 African American Huckster
1 Chinese Martial Artist
1 white guy w/ a gun
1 weird person of indeterminate race
We had just arrived in New Orleans and were supposed to be investigating some murders that had been linked to a new drug disguised as a tasty tasty beverage. We had a couple of funny scenes.
The night we got there we went out looking for the substance (read, binge drinking). We didn't know it was dangerous yet, and the white guy and the other brave got asked to try it. Well they did, and failed the saving throws to avoid becoming mildly addicted to it. We got a sample of it to bring with us to a voodoo guy who was going to tell us about it. Well we get there, set the drink on the table and let him work his mojo.
Well as he is telling us about the DM gets the white guy and the brave to make a saving throw. The white guy fails and while everyone is distracted by the explanation he swipes the drug and drinks it all down.
The funny part was everyones reactions when the witch doctor goes to pick up the drug and notices it is missing. I don't remember what we all did but the guys defense was, "well we were done with it right?"
............................................................................
Later the next day we had just finished off some bandits that had ambushed us. Like usual the huckster had done most of the work ( he has killed just about 75% of all the enemies we have faced). This generally involves extremely messy, gory explosions that our party takes in stride. Well, the Chinese girl is a doubting Thomas, and comes up with some janky explanation for why these people keep exploding. One of the things we joke around about is it was because they were white.
As soon as that happens my character turns to the only white guy in the party and says in all seriousness, "You'd better be careful."
It took us a few minutes to get the game on track after that.
We fled from the battlefield into the jungle hoping that their large steed would be unable to fit through the trees. To our dismay, the beast was apparently able to smash his way through the trees, though it did slow their progress substantially allowing us to gain some ground. Finally, our characters made their way into a clearing to find that there was only an open cliff trapping us between certain doom and inevitable doom.
Luckily, my cleric's overpowered perception allowed him to detect a kind of "land bridge" a short ways off. We made our way there as the enemies finally began catching up to us again.
As we crossed the land bridge, the enemies hot on our heels, my cleric stopped dead in the middle of the bridge.
FIGHTER: What are you doing!? We are no match for them, even here!
CLERIC: They are too fast! We will never outrun them on foot wounded as we are. You continue on to protect the others! I will hold them here as long as I can.
FIGHTER: Let me stay then!
CLERIC: Nay! You need to save little Cala! Besides, I am old and my time is nearly up, you are still young and full of potential.
FIGHTER: But...
CLERIC: Don't argue! Just go! It's too late to decide now anyways! GO! *turns to face the approaching enemies*
*Party flees onward while the bounty hunters stop on the start of the bridge in mild confusion at the venerably aged man now feebly attempting to block their path*
CLERIC: You'll not catch them! You'll go no further!
BOUNTY HUNTER: Foolish priest! We will crush you into paste and not even be slowed in our pursuit of your friends!
CLERIC: Then may you trip o'er my corpse and plummet to your doom! *readies iron staff for battle*
*Behemoth and bounty hunters charge forward*
At the final moment before the beast ran my cleric down my prepared action went off and I cast Command on the charging mount.
CLERIC: STUMBLE AFORE' ME AND PERISH!
BOUNTY HUNTERS: Aaaagh!
*The beast mount stumbles violently, veers to the side, and plummets over the edge, dragging its entourage with it.*
Reminiscent of other heroic scenes in movies and mythology this was one of the cooler moments we'v had in our games. :D
I just LOVE playing high wisdom characters wisely! :P
Nick: Why?
Xanfire: I want the land you built around my acre of land.
Nick: you own an entire kingdom you killed erythol and you care about the fact that I built around your acre of land we got at level 15, that was what two years ago.
Xanfire: I want your siege of my land to end.
Nick: well alright but if I win I get your acre as well.
Xanfire: deal
Dm: um guys who would win I mean nick can kill you first round.
Xanfire: yeah but I can one hit kill him.
Dm: so battle of the initiative.
ME: so who won
Xanfire: fear the might of superior initiative.
Nicks decapitated head: oh bite me.
Me: Rogue 5/Avenger 2
DB: Duskblade 6
Druid: Druid 3/Totemist 2/Bard 1/(unknown class) 1
Currently I'm under an Invisibility Sphere. The two NPCs are fighting the king along with the Duskblade and the Druid.
DM: *rolling dice* Everyone roll me a Will save.
Everyone: *rolls, passes*
DM: Ok, now roll a Fortitude save.
*rolls, everyone but Druid and myself fails*
DM: Ok. *rolls* You two - Druid and Me - take 10 damage, DB takes 20 damage, and the nymph NPC dies.
Everyone: Wait... what!?
DM: 9th level spell, Weird.
Druid: Oh
this.Thankfully, the other NPC is a Duskblade, who succeeded on an Enervation to lower the king's level by 4, so he can no longer cast 9th or 8th level spells. Instead, he does this:
DM: *rolls* Ok... Hmm... Everyone in the cone here takes 31 damage.
Me:
DB: What?
Me: I'm at EXACTLY 0 HP.
DM: Wow.
Druid: That's good.
Me: Why not? I can only do one action, then I drop to -1.
DM: Watching doesn't count as the action.
Me: Ahh.
So the third turn passes and everyone in the party is pretty messed up. The Duskblade is at 1 HP, the Druid at about 12 HP, myself still at 0 HP. The Duskblade NPC is helping us, but the next round is likely the last. It rotates around to me.
Me: So, I have one round before I fall to -1 HP.
DM: Right.
Me: Ok, I run up behind with my silvered masterwork shortsword and use Death Attack. As I'm running, I mentally ask for Tymora to aid me. *rolls* Crap.
DM: What?
Me: I got a 13 on the attack, and the DC on death attack is 20.
DM: *rolls dice, makes decapitation head sound*
Me: His AC was 13?
DM: No, but Tymora aimed your blade slightly, making it a 16, typing his AC and therefore beating it.
Me: Ahh. You all see him (the devil king) standing there, bleeding but looking ready to kill you all. All of a sudden, you hear a 'shicnk' as a sword pierces from nowhere up through his chest. I appear, bleeding and panting, my sword stuck through him.
DM: The king collapses to his knees and gets a dying curse off. "I curse you all to the deepest, darkest hells. Today, you have killed a man. But can you kill the beast inside?"
Me: Free Action. As I collapse in response to his collapse, because this is damn near simultaniously, I go, "I don't give a damn. You die."
It turns out that this entire time, we were fighting under the warptouched rain. As we all get consciouss and run out of the rain, we have to roll saves.
Me: *rolls twice, fails both*
DM: *Rolls twice, looks up.* You sprout wings. And they work; 30 ft. clumsy fly speed. Your head also grows slightly. Gain a +4 to INT score.
Me: Whoa. That's about the best things I can get, considering I have a 10% chance of insta-death.
DM: *rolling saves for Duskblade NPC* She pulls down her goggles and looks at you all. (by this time we're all out of the rain under some cover) "We need to leave town now."
Me: You ok?
NPC: For now, yes. But we need to go.
Me: (OOC) Are her goggles tinted lenses?
DM: Yes.
Me: Oh thank god.
DB: Why?
Me: (OOC) Because she got medusa eyes from the warptouch and would have us make Fortitude saves to not turn into stone otherwise, that's why!
Dwarf Fighter - *rolls dice*
Me - Uhmm...Whats that for?
Dwarf Fighter - Thats my perform(Break dance) Check.
Me - *scratches head*
Dwarf Fighter - What? I'm going to fail my move silent check anyways.
Me - Okay...but full plate has a -6 armor check penalty...and I have no clue why you have a tower shield...but thats another -10...
Dwarf Fighter- I got a twenty. :D
Party : O.O !?
The Cast
5th level Cleric of Ares (Ares tweaked to Neutral for this Camp)
4th level Cleric of "The Wonderbringer" whichever god that is; I forget.
5th level Rogue (only female, new to D&D, still trying to get a feel for the character)
5th level Paladin of Hor (I think that's right... don't have my Deities and Demigods with me)
5th level Necromantic-specialized Sorc
5th level Warlock
5th level Horc 4 Barb/1 Bard
3rd level Swashbuckler NPC
So, the characters are in a harbor town that is being plagued by a wave of crimes perpetrated by a notorious pirate and his crew. After the PC's beat some pirates to a pulp, the captain brings his ship just outside of the harbor, and begins firing cannonballs into the pier/guardhouses/pubs. He sends hundreds of pieces of paper with a threat to destroy the whole town if every bit of currency, down to the very last copper piece, in the town is not sent to him by the third midnight. The party tosses around a few ideas on how to stop him before going to a wizard for advice. The wizard tells them that Krouth (the captain) has a treasure trove a few miles North in a spire that juts up from the seafloor.
The Swash sails them out there, and says he has to man the boat while they venture inside. The paladin also refuses to enter, because stealing is wrong no matter what. He obliges to let the other PC's go in because the treasure was stolen in the first place, but will not venture in himself.
The rest of the players venture in, and descending into the darkness, they come to a room. The cleric of Ares gets no more than fifteen feet in before two Voidwraiths come out of the walls and attack the rogue, flanking her and putting the barbarian, the rogue, and the 4th level cleric into their Aura of No Air stuff. Long story short, the rogue gets the hell beaten out of her, and loses 4 constitution points from her already low score. She can only hold her breath for ten rounds, so she's freaking out.
The Cleric of Ares makes a Religion check and finds out that they are undead, and screams for the 4th level cleric to turn them, because he goes before the Arescleric. He tries to, and the undead are unaffected, but now ****** at him.
The rogue moves in five feet steps away from the Voidwraiths, which are now preoccupied with the turner, and eventually gets to the back of the room. She debates trying to attack them, with no chance of hitting, or venturing farther in to the cave to get the treasure. Seeing that the first option was useless, and that the second could attract more of these things, she yells at everyone and backs to a corner.
"The paladin was right! Stealing is wrong!" She screams, burying her head in her hands.
We were playing with a new guy, who had been with us for a couple of sessions. He was playing a very very poorly built Dwarf Ranger. He had come with it pre-built, and had been doing alright for how poorly it was done. In fact, he had gotten in a lucky shot with a handaxe that killed a pretty menacing boss, that neither me, a Warforged Hexblade, or the Human Swash could hit.
Well, foolishly I had said to the DM that "there is no way a first level kobold with an NPC class could pose a challenge to us at this level." Unfortunately, he took those words to heart, and build a first level kobold expert with a huge maze of traps for us to go through.
After hitting poison traps and electrical pools, we came across a room that was empty, besides some inhalation poison that had aired out when I opened the door and took a step back. He, our gnome rogue, human cleric, and I (the warforged hex) ventured into this empty room.
Lying on the floor in the middle of the room was a very crappily made spiked-chain. I said, out loud, "Yeah, I'm gonna pick THAT up."
And he goes "Ooh! Spiked chain!" and proceeds to grab it.
6 points of Wis Damage, after earlier damage.
I believe he had a wisdom of 4 after that.
In the tavern between quests, the party is conversing.
Bard: So why do they call you Blackjack?
Rogue: Funny story about that -- hand me my pack and I'll show you. (whack)
One of the characters is trying to sneak into a fortress at night in the guise of an old scholar, when he's caught in the garden by a suspicious guard.
Guard: Hey, what're you doing?
Rogue: Oh, hello, sonny, I'm looking for, I mean, have you seen my KNIIIIIFE! (lunge, stab)
encounter goes like this
lich:please return my hand to my body,I have realised my past mistakes and i want to die,
rogue: (in his best doctor evil voice) How about no, you freaking skeleton
A particular room while drove people crazy was a problem as we only had a single teleport spell to get across the room and one of the party had to stay behind due to the spell limitations. Been a lawful good monk and having test my will against the outer effects of the room with success I decided to accept been left behind though there was a back up plan as the rest of the party return to the door on the other side of the room and fired a crossbow bolt with a rope attached to me and my monk tied it around their waist.
Me: Steeling himself he enters the room focusing his mind on his goal
Dm:okay nice roll a will save
Me: (rolls) 25
Dm: Okay your vision swims and it feels like every hang over you've never had the chance to have, you need two more to reach the centre of the room.
Me
rolls) 19 and a... (rolls) 23Dm:well done monks have good saves don't they.
Me: Yep (rolls) yes natural 20 so thats 27.. no 29 sorry for the next roll by the way.
Dm: Well sorry but your vision goes red and you feel like the world is spinning and the goblin bodies on the floor begin to rise and attack you. Your effected by the confusion spell. The rest of you see the monk ripping up the dead bodies in the room.
Party:
Wait what.Me:Yeah wait one second.
Dm:Sorry but it says here once in centre of room the players are affected by the confusion spell no saves.
While its not the best line ever it does remind you that even a natural 20 can't save you sometimes. That and WLD is quite badly written. :P
Been playing worlds largest dungeon
MOST BORING MODULE EVAR!!!
End result went something like this:
Ivan(druid): So, now my atheist druid is a cleric of thor?
DM: Yep
Ivan: I commit Seppuku
Me: I'm stuck in a party with 2 dwarves, both who have tried to kill me? I jump into the pit of razor sharp black crystals (this is after looting everyone for all the money they had while asleep)
All through the game, the Druid (with a Wis of 16 no less) was making the most idiotic of moves. He had me try and burn down a tree to get rid of a bunch of rats (they were running away from the crystal we were hunting)
I guess a background would be helpfull on this....
I wish I could post my best lines ever, because there are a lot, but 90% violate the Code of Conduct.
Well then post away! 10% of "a lot" is plenty enough for this thread! :D
Not three days later, we get back to our hometown and find half of it in flames.
Rogue, in perfect deadpan, "If only we possed an arcane artifact that could conjure copious quantities of water..."
The alliteration, the deadpan, it was great. 3 seconds of complete silence, and then everyone was laughing and throwing things at him. It gets mentioned to this day.
Fighter: "I walk over and loot it."
DM: "You get a rusty suit of chainmail and a bent sword."
Fighter: "That's it?"
DM: "Fine. Its hand falls off. You are now the proud owner of a Hand of Glory."
hilarity ensued
[Crixon] 2:24 pm: hit?
[Crixon] 2:24 pm: or miss?
[Crixon] 2:25 pm: noithing .. just 3 2s in a row for that
[Crixon] 2:25 pm: nyt ac?
[Nyt] 2:26 pm: 14
[Crixon] 2:26 pm: ok,
[Nyt] 2:26 pm: unless!
Crixon rolls 1d3: 2+1: 3
[Crixon] 2:26 pm: fort save please
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: whats that? awwww damned zombies!
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: hol on..
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: (open the book its your only chance! :P)
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: i kick the book open?
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: fort save first
Nyt rolls 1d20: 14: 14
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: yes?
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: k
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: your turn
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: you have a zombie biting your arm ...
[elazrath] 2:28 pm: o_O)
[Nyt] 2:28 pm: i stab the kick the book.
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: attack roll
[Nyt] 2:28 pm: and stab the zombie if possible.
Nyt rolls 1d20: 8: 8
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: :S
[Nyt] 2:28 pm: you cannot be serious.
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: he really cant get a lower ac man!
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: tony your tunr :P
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: open the book! hail pelor!
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: :P
[elazrath] 2:29 pm: (is the book open?)
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: (yes i want to go home, no)
[Nyt] 2:29 pm: OPEN THE #$%^&* BOOK!!!!!
[elazrath] 2:29 pm: i will mage hand teh book into the zombie
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: (lol)
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: k, attack roll ...
[Nyt] 2:29 pm: and open it!
[elazrath] 2:29 pm: atk:
[fliprushman] 2:29 pm: (Cheese, why don't youjust open the book?)
elazrath rolls 1d20: 19: 19
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: you land it in the zombies square,
Crixon rolls 1d4: 1: 1
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: ****
Crixon rolls 9d6: 5+1+3+6+4+6+1+4+2: 32
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: anyone have evation?
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: hahahha!
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: no
[elazrath] 2:30 pm: ...(what was that)
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: :P
[elazrath] 2:30 pm: LOL NO
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: the spell that is on the book when its not opened by its master ...
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: oh gods save me!
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: HAIL PELOR! (fireball cast by a level 9 wiszard)
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: fireball?
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: for the record ... you killed the zombie ...
[elazrath] 2:31 pm: oh.. oh yeah?
[Nyt] 2:31 pm: what?
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: lol but ya it was set like that even before we started this part ....
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: but ya the zombies need to be toned down a bit on hp and such
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: well alot of mods at least (this was just a base zombie)
[Nyt] 2:31 pm: don't i get a save or something?
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: (needs to be customed)
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: yes you do
Crixon rolls 1d20: 6: 6
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: zombie fails
Nyt rolls 1d20: 8+6: 14
[elazrath] 2:32 pm: what kind of save
[Nyt] 2:32 pm: eh?
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: refelx
[Nyt] 2:32 pm: reflex.
[elazrath] 2:32 pm: ignore my ignorance
[fliprushman] 2:32 pm: (reflex for fireball)
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: the main thing is we are stoping
elazrath rolls 1d20: 3+2: 5
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: ya you both fail that ...
[Nyt] 2:33 pm: BURN!!!!
[Nyt] 2:33 pm: I get to go to elysium what now??
[elazrath] 2:33 pm: NOO MY 6 HEALTH!!!
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: but yes nothing happens to your characters they just arnt there no more ... with most of the room
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: how this came to be i have no idea but it was fun :P
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: just randomly tossing things at you ****
[Nyt] 2:33 pm: what about all the other books don't they explode?
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: anyway im going home
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: do you really want me to roll the various other books?
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: when this one killed you all? :P
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: LOL
[Nyt] 2:34 pm: yes.****
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: but you killed the zombie!
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: ok ..
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: see how dead we really are
Crixon rolls 45d6: 3+3+2+5+1+1+1+5+5+4+6+5+4+3+2+4+5+3+5+4+2+6+5+5+4+1+3+2+5+4+6+1
+5+2+5+3+2+4+5+4+5+5+3+6+5: 169
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: that dead
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: wow
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: 5 books all level 9 casters
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: i could have survived if i had evasion..
[Nyt] 2:35 pm: Me too!
[Crixon] 2:24 pm: hit?
[Crixon] 2:24 pm: or miss?
[Crixon] 2:25 pm: noithing .. just 3 2s in a row for that
[Crixon] 2:25 pm: nyt ac?
[Nyt] 2:26 pm: 14
[Crixon] 2:26 pm: ok,
[Nyt] 2:26 pm: unless!
Crixon rolls 1d3: 2+1: 3
[Crixon] 2:26 pm: fort save please
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: whats that? awwww damned zombies!
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: hol on..
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: (open the book its your only chance! :P)
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: i kick the book open?
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: fort save first
Nyt rolls 1d20: 14: 14
[Nyt] 2:27 pm: yes?
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: k
[Crixon] 2:27 pm: your turn
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: you have a zombie biting your arm ...
[elazrath] 2:28 pm: o_O)
[Nyt] 2:28 pm: i stab the kick the book.
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: attack roll
[Nyt] 2:28 pm: and stab the zombie if possible.
Nyt rolls 1d20: 8: 8
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: :S
[Nyt] 2:28 pm: you cannot be serious.
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: he really cant get a lower ac man!
[Crixon] 2:28 pm: tony your tunr :P
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: open the book! hail pelor!
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: :P
[elazrath] 2:29 pm: (is the book open?)
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: (yes i want to go home, no)
[Nyt] 2:29 pm: OPEN THE #$%^&* BOOK!!!!!
[elazrath] 2:29 pm: i will mage hand teh book into the zombie
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: (lol)
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: k, attack roll ...
[Nyt] 2:29 pm: and open it!
[elazrath] 2:29 pm: atk:
[fliprushman] 2:29 pm: (Cheese, why don't youjust open the book?)
elazrath rolls 1d20: 19: 19
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: you land it in the zombies square,
Crixon rolls 1d4: 1: 1
[Crixon] 2:29 pm: ****
Crixon rolls 9d6: 5+1+3+6+4+6+1+4+2: 32
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: anyone have evation?
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: hahahha!
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: no
[elazrath] 2:30 pm: ...(what was that)
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: :P
[elazrath] 2:30 pm: LOL NO
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: the spell that is on the book when its not opened by its master ...
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: oh gods save me!
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: HAIL PELOR! (fireball cast by a level 9 wiszard)
[Nyt] 2:30 pm: fireball?
[Crixon] 2:30 pm: for the record ... you killed the zombie ...
[elazrath] 2:31 pm: oh.. oh yeah?
[Nyt] 2:31 pm: what?
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: lol but ya it was set like that even before we started this part ....
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: but ya the zombies need to be toned down a bit on hp and such
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: well alot of mods at least (this was just a base zombie)
[Nyt] 2:31 pm: don't i get a save or something?
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: (needs to be customed)
[Crixon] 2:31 pm: yes you do
Crixon rolls 1d20: 6: 6
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: zombie fails
Nyt rolls 1d20: 8+6: 14
[elazrath] 2:32 pm: what kind of save
[Nyt] 2:32 pm: eh?
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: refelx
[Nyt] 2:32 pm: reflex.
[elazrath] 2:32 pm: ignore my ignorance
[fliprushman] 2:32 pm: (reflex for fireball)
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: the main thing is we are stoping
elazrath rolls 1d20: 3+2: 5
[Crixon] 2:32 pm: ya you both fail that ...
[Nyt] 2:33 pm: BURN!!!!
[Nyt] 2:33 pm: I get to go to elysium what now??
[elazrath] 2:33 pm: NOO MY 6 HEALTH!!!
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: but yes nothing happens to your characters they just arnt there no more ... with most of the room
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: how this came to be i have no idea but it was fun :P
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: just randomly tossing things at you ****
[Nyt] 2:33 pm: what about all the other books don't they explode?
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: anyway im going home
[Crixon] 2:33 pm: do you really want me to roll the various other books?
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: when this one killed you all? :P
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: LOL
[Nyt] 2:34 pm: yes.****
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: but you killed the zombie!
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: ok ..
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: see how dead we really are
Crixon rolls 45d6: 3+3+2+5+1+1+1+5+5+4+6+5+4+3+2+4+5+3+5+4+2+6+5+5+4+1+3+2+5+4+6+1
+5+2+5+3+2+4+5+4+5+5+3+6+5: 169
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: that dead
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: wow
[Crixon] 2:34 pm: 5 books all level 9 casters
[elazrath] 2:34 pm: i could have survived if i had evasion..
[Nyt] 2:35 pm: Me too!
DM: "The darkness suddenly forms vaguely humanoid shapes and moves slowly toward you."
Me (Sorceror): "I cast magic missle against the darkness."
Everyone laughed at the accidental reference.
Feel free to re-start this thread. It's rather large, and past experience has shown us huge threads tend to have issues.
Thread closed.
EDIT: Well, dang.
To make a long story short, we needed to kill the king that wasn't the real king.
The king who wasn't the real king, was a criminal who looked like him.
Still following? :p
Our mission was to kill the fake king... how we did it was like this:
We got some explosives, and 2 members of our group went to plant them.
They had the fantastic idea of planting them in the sewers, to the side of a tower.
Because of the explosion the tower would fall and land right on top of the fake king, which would kill him.
Ok explosives set, ready?
FIRE IN THE HOLE !!!
They forgot one thing, the sewers guys...
Because of where they planted the bombs, they made a real
storm, so whole the city was covered in... yep . We need to escape from a high tower on a flying pegasus so we needed to fly right between them.You had to be there
we had set out to check out this ranch out in the boonies.
We get there and find it being raided by an enemy using A LOT of undead as well as hobgobs.
We won but everyone was in need of rest and the family. so we bunk in the abandoned house.
While we were resting we were attacked by shadowy figures that drained STR with a touch.
First round I'm hit enough time that I couldn't lift my rapier. [Note: I'm playing an L4 Druid at the Time]
I spend the next two rounds laying there hapless while my party fought a loosing battle. The clerics in the second round tried to turn them and fail.
We were under the impression we were facing High powered wraiths and four of the players began talking about what characters they were going to make for the next game. ADd to that we were fighting in the dark.
Round three comes. This is what happened.
[Note: I forgot the character's name so I'm repleacing it with on I know ATM]
=======================================
DM: 21! TARA! What are you going to do.
Tara [Me]: As I can't do anthing else, I'm Shedding some light on the subject.
DM: OK. 20...
Tara: I said 'I was shedding a little light on the subject.' as in cast the spell LIGHT!!!
=======================================
DM stared at me as everybody else confirmed it. He then got a sour look on his face as he announced that the SHADOWS were weakened by the light.
Needless to say the fight went in the party's favor from that point on.
WHat would've become a TPK* became a TMPK**
*TPK: Total Party Kill.
**TMPK: Total Monster Party Kill
Of course the fight's resolution was delayed until the players of the party's character recovered from ROTFL!
It was a Changeling game, ages upon ages ago. The GM, instead of just giving us background info we needed for our quest, had us play though several flashbacks. The most notable was the WWI episode.
We were a squadron of German fighter pilots patrolling the sky over France when we were attacked by a Dragon... Myself (the squadron captain) and two others made it to the ground alive and hid in this ancient stone tower. With the dragon right outside, trying to get in one player turns to me and asks:
"What do we do now Captain?"
My response was to pull my pistol and shoot him right between the eyes, saying, as his lifeless body hit the ground:
"Now we make a sacrifice for the Fatherland."
We proceeded to pick up his dead body and toss it to the dragon to eat while me and the single other survivor ran for our lives. The GM was laughing so hard he decided he'd let it work.
To this day, 12+ years later, we still reference it once in a while.
The party has just met the party's swordmage, Maciah. Being a Razorclaw Shifter, she like to employ cat-like behavior. The rogue and the wizard see her grab a fish out of the river.
Rogue: Oh yeah? Watch this. *Motions to wizard*
Wizard: I cast Force Orb just underneath the water.
*Large air bubble/waterspout shows up and fish start rising out of the water and floating downstream, which the party collected.*
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At a bar, most of the party (bar the VERY LG paladin) was drinking and messing with the drunks. Most of the antics are caused by Richard, our monk
Richard: Does the bar serve mashed potatoes?
Me: Uh... Sure?
Richard: I order mashed potatoes in a large bowl, finish my drink, put the glass on the other end of the bar and get ready to attempt to launch the mashed potatoes into the glass from this end.
Wizard: I make the glass invisible.
Me: ....Mashed potatoes are now EVERYWHERE. I hope you're pleased with yourself.
Richard: Yep.
Paladin: *Walks into the bar and immediately knows who is responsible and can guess about what happened.* Richard...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fighting a dragon, the rogue springboarded off of the monk and onto the dragon's back. He fell and wound up underneath it.
Rogue: Is this a male or female dragon, DM?
Me: Uh... male I guess. Why?
Rogue: Called shot the dragonballs.
So I sung 3.141592653589793238462643383279502884197169399375105820974944592307816406286208998628034825342117067982148086513282306647093844609550582231725359408128481147450284102870193852110555964462294895.
The monsters face was blank when he said that he knew the first 8 digits only.
Samurai: wow this place is awesome.
Crimson demon: yes it is. Also this is a security area so you must leave your katana at the door.
Samurai: no I will not. I always carry it everywhere.
Guard: sorry but this is protocol. Place you katana on the sword rack at the door.
Samurai: screw protocol I am the best samurai in the land.
Guard: sorry protocol is protocol.
*kills the guard*
Samurai: AND DEAD IS DEAD.
Crimson demon: and tazed is tazed.
Samurai: no wait i'm sorry. DON'T TAZE ME BRO! OWWWWWWWWW!
Crimson demon: you can spend the next 48 hours in Section N44E thinking about what you've done.
The guards then haul him off.
--said by one of my players atfer one of the other characters decided that HE would determine himself who gets what items
The Priest summoned some skeletons and I Turned Undead.
DM: I completely forgot you could do that! (first time he ever tryed turning anything)
The fighter paralyzed our rogue with the special sword he had and was going to coue de grace next turn.
I cast silence on myself and helped beat the fighter and priest down. After finding the sword was an intelligent evil aligned weapon and several rolls to not be taken over by it after touching it we journeyed towards an encampment of soldiers where we got the tip on the drow.
Before we went to the commander we spoke to the guard.
Party: We killed the drow and one of them had an evil weapon.
Guard: What does it do?
Me: Here Catch ... (my character worshipped a capricious god.)
so a few stories
i walk into a bar with my party. the party has just given an amulet of uber badass ness to a character i didnt much like. so i start playing my guitar and getting everyone in the bar singing along. i start using suggestion to get people around the sorcerer (guy with my amulet) to start dancing mosh pit style. the distraction was very helpful i continue using suggestion to get people to start singing. i use my hide in plain sight ability (from my role playing prc shadowdancer) and i hide with everyone looking at me. the sorcerer cant see what happened b/c hes a little gnome bastard and i sneak through the crowd use sleight of hand to get back my amulet. all of this sounds kinda blah but heres where it gets interesting. the next day teh sorcerer is bitching about his missing amulet. he uses detect magic and locates the aura around my neck. he calls me on it. and i say to him. "my friend ispep (buddy is horrible at naming just looks at something in the room and names his character that spelt backwards.) i would no more steal from you than i would my mothers grave, this amulet is an heirloom i have been carrying with us since my grand fatherspassing. i wasnt even aware that it was magical. i will help you look for your lost amulet but i am sorry i can not give you this as it is all that reminds me of my family" out of character he flips out "thats bullshit my character would know from the aura hell ill reidentify it and know for sure." i explain that there are more than one of most magical items so identifying the specific one would be very difficult. my buddy says **** that **** back in character were about to handle this. (he is an evoker) i say ok and pick up my d20. he smiles and picks up a **** ton of d6. i declare im rolling a bluff check. and i roll. my ranks are at 13 my charisma is a solid 22 modifier 6 i have skill focus bluff and skill focus diplomacy, i have max ranks in diplomacy so my dm declares that it gives me +2synergy to bluff. i also have the negotiater feat so +2 more. that brings me to 23 rolling a dice. he has 0 ranks in sense motive i roll a 17 he gets up from the table and goes out to smoke. comes back in 5 minutes later still pissed and rolls a 13. he is a sorcerer sporting a constant 24 charisma so his total roll is 20. mine is 40. i win he believes me. he is now BOUND BY RP LAW. he cannot hold a grudge nor can he take any action over it. for the rest of our play he decides he must try to steal it from me for its power (he is a power hungry evoker) made for very interesting game play.
"ah crap i think i stepped in hobgoblin"
the dm lets me know at the end of the session that the power has driven my character mad and now HE is trying to take over teh world.
i say sweet i always wanted to rule the world.
dm responds no now hes an NPC you roll another character.
i say **** i love that guy and he has about 90% of our parties value in his gear.
dm says yeah i know maybe next time you wont be such a ass hat and fool your entire party into giving you there stuff
dm neither is dead.
me: where are we
dm: og (giant) is running through town chasing a puppy.
me: og doesnt give 2 **** about puppies and i would never let him out of my sight.
Corry (og): yeah i wouldnt abandon my brew for a puppy thats stupid.
dm: well play it out.
corry: in character screams screw you dog.
me: i track og down shouldnt be to hard even with his ring on hes 7 feet tall.
dm: ok roll a spot
i roll
dm: ok you see him standing at an intersection
Me: hey while the rest of the party is gone lets kill someone important.
dm:glares at me and says whats your alignment.
i say true neutral whatever suits me best
dm:and yours corry.
corry: lawful neutral.
dm: then your character wouldnt go along with this.
corry and me in unison: og plead fealty to nephrilwhen nephril saved him from the beach of that river in the land of longing.
dm: still hes lawful.
me:lawful means follows a code, his code is to follow me.
dm:alright but your alignments are on the line.
me:im in it for the money hope your npcs dont fight back.
corry; laughs
we sneak into the mayors keep (well i sneak og waits across the street)
i use a blackjack and coup de grace the sleeping family of the mayor drag them all into his room and tie them up.
i use my bracelet of friends and teleport og inside the room i bluff him making him believe that we are just holdling the family so that the mayor goes along with our plans. he holds his massive spear at the helpless family.
i wake up the mayor he sees his family and tries to yell for help but there is no sound (i carry astone that 3x per day can silence a 10ft radius)
Me: signs to the mayro to shut up or the familyi gets it.
mayor nods head in agreement.
Me:puts stone away and whispers to the mayor i know your coffers are filled to the brim i demand the entire amount and i need it now. we shall walk through this building together and you will have your guards help you accumulate all the money.
mayor: agrees
me: i use a mask i have that allows me to assume the form of the last person who wore it. i put it on his wife then on me taking her form. we gather the guards and use them to get all of the gold. explaining (with a bluff) that we are taking it all to a safe location as word has leaked out that all the tax moneys are in the house.
now outside with a wagon loaded to the brim with gold and valuable items i whisper to the mayor that after i leave town i will summon my friend to me and his family will be unharmed. the mayor agrees and returns into the house.
Og has one problem wtih following orders. he often forgets. and he lives by the rule of poke first ask questions later. so when the mayor came bursting into the door corry rolled a wisdom check to see if he remembered his orders he rolled a 5 on that but a 19 on his next roll. as he plunged his spear into the mayor (come to find out the mayor was an integral npc for later quests)
i explained to the dm that taking advantage of a character with low intelligence can be just as devastating to his campaign as it is to our smoke breaks. next time let drinking adventureres drink.
but the best line was when i summoned og to me and he had the gnome mayor stuck on the end of his spear.
me: wtf dude whyd u kill him.
og: kill who
me: the guy on your spear
og: wasnt me.
so im playing a rogueish style bard. no sneak attack but skilled like a thief acrobat/ traveling salesman. i used my Real life charisma and my in game stats to talk my way out of everything. illusions were my bread and butter.
so a few stories
i walk into a bar with my party. the party has just given an amulet of uber badass ness to a character i didnt much like. so i start playing my guitar and getting everyone in the bar singing along. i start using suggestion to get people around the sorcerer (guy with my amulet) to start dancing mosh pit style. the distraction was very helpful i continue using suggestion to get people to start singing. i use my hide in plain sight ability (from my role playing prc shadowdancer) and i hide with everyone looking at me. the sorcerer cant see what happened b/c hes a little gnome bastard and i sneak through the crowd use sleight of hand to get back my amulet. all of this sounds kinda blah but heres where it gets interesting. the next day teh sorcerer is bitching about his missing amulet. he uses detect magic and locates the aura around my neck. he calls me on it. and i say to him. "my friend ispep (buddy is horrible at naming just looks at something in the room and names his character that spelt backwards.) i would no more steal from you than i would my mothers grave, this amulet is an heirloom i have been carrying with us since my grand fatherspassing. i wasnt even aware that it was magical. i will help you look for your lost amulet but i am sorry i can not give you this as it is all that reminds me of my family" out of character he flips out "thats bullshit my character would know from the aura hell ill reidentify it and know for sure." i explain that there are more than one of most magical items so identifying the specific one would be very difficult. my buddy says **** that **** back in character were about to handle this. (he is an evoker) i say ok and pick up my d20. he smiles and picks up a **** ton of d6. i declare im rolling a bluff check. and i roll. my ranks are at 13 my charisma is a solid 22 modifier 6 i have skill focus bluff and skill focus diplomacy, i have max ranks in diplomacy so my dm declares that it gives me +2synergy to bluff. i also have the negotiater feat so +2 more. that brings me to 23 rolling a dice. he has 0 ranks in sense motive i roll a 17 he gets up from the table and goes out to smoke. comes back in 5 minutes later still pissed and rolls a 13. he is a sorcerer sporting a constant 24 charisma so his total roll is 20. mine is 40. i win he believes me. he is now BOUND BY RP LAW. he cannot hold a grudge nor can he take any action over it. for the rest of our play he decides he must try to steal it from me for its power (he is a power hungry evoker) made for very interesting game play.
Your dm is rather unnice letting you use dice rolls on other party members. A lot of house rules? (by the 'rplaw' you cite he is bound by, you can't use skills like pluff on another player)
Your dm is rather unnice letting you use dice rolls on other party members. A lot of house rules? (by the 'rplaw' you cite he is bound by, you can't use skills like pluff on another player)
since some players have a hard time keeping player knowledge and character knowledge seperate i dont really know any other way to reslove such issues. now i was not allowed to use diplomacy or bluff to do something flagrantly abusive. for instance my diplomacy is higher than anyone elses and my bluff and sense motive is nearly double everyone elses. i could easily have talked the party into giving me all the money to go "store in a safe place" then hid it and claimed i got robbed. there toons would have no way of knowing that id lie sense none of them could ever beat me in a bluff v sense motive check. but in a situation like this where the rolls were purely to see how the in game reaction would be he allowed it. same thing with my sleight of hand checks. i was allowed to plant evidence on another character but i couldnt steal all there money or something equally abusive.
but i was always warned.
you may beat them in a bluff check. but if you dont chances are your rolling a new toon since one failed check would cast suspicion on your character and chances are youd be killed by one of your party members eventually. and hand to hand spell to spell id lose vs anyone of them. now if i ever got overtly abusive with my character the dm would have ended it.
he allowed everything in moderation.
i had a wizard (who was a huge dbag to the rest of the party always quoting his superiority.0 he had just finished destroying an encounter solo that was meant for the whole party. i stand victorious over the corpse of the monster and threw my hands into the air screaming at the heavens when i took a greataxe in the back from 50 feet away. my character turned just in time to see our occult slayer fighter walk towards me to reclaim my back (lethal blow ouch) he explained that his character hated magic his entire career and never liked me. (were best friends in RL) seeing me mad with power was more than his character could bear so he let fate decide figuring he had a 50/50 chance of hitting me from 50 feet with a heavy weapon. guess fate was kinda pissed at me. so my wizard died and the bard was born.
THERE IS ONE RULE IN D&D THAT SUPERCEDES ALL OTHERS!!!!
ITS ALL ALLOWED UNTIL THE DM SAYS "I DONT THINK SO"
GM: "After you open the tenth metal pair of double doors you feel a spongy, warm material underneath your feet and it looks like you're in a giant bubble."
Bard (Me): Okay, this sounds familiar ...(Dm shoots a stare) ... Hey it's okay I barely remember it .... but to be safe... I poke the walls with my dagger
GM: You get sprayed for *Roll 3d6, evidently* 14 points of damage from a blast of boiling water...
Bard: Definitely ... does it stop though?
GM: No, it's still flowing
Cleric: Nice one, tool.
Druid: Yeah, really? Why do it if you knew what was going to happen?
Bard: Hey, it's not likely to fill up soon ... beside it's better being safe than sorry.
GM: As you you guys are talking about the hot tavern girl back in town because I *KNOW* you wouldn't try metagaming in my games ...
Bard: What happens when you use something so over done :D
GM: (throws D6 at head) Roll initiative tossers ... massive crab appears and seems to skitter towards you.
(Everybody rolls)
GM: Whatcha get?
Druid: 18
Cleric: 3
Wizard: 19
Bard: 19!! (Last to roll as still reeling and flinching from possible dice barrage everytime I try to speak) Woah ... Okay .. given that we got equal
...
Wizard: Fireball!
Bard: wow ... Okay.... wow (looks at wizard) ... Really? ... Guess I'm running then.
Druid: Second. ...
Cleric: third ...
Wizard: What ... It's pretty far away right?
Famous last words ^_^
my warmage/cleric/mystical theurge has proven a very useful mobile fireball turrent. but he has one draw back. he believes every problem can be solved with fire.
we comeo upon these large trees with long tendrils coming down and they grab at anyone who tries to get the EPIC loot all aroudn the base of the tree. the party is trying to come up with a way to get the loot withouth getting caught. my mystic standing a safe distance back has an easy solution. i yell
"trees burn" and cast fireball as everyone screams NOOOOO.
my fireball went very well. 11d6+16 (special race of humans and a few feats) i roll all 4s and higher. the tree shrieks and red fluid spews from the top of the tree (where i placed my fireball0 the red fluid is not blood though as the sizzling sound clearly indicates. the party was all within 30 feet of the base the explosion created a 60 foot radius burst. needless to say everyone didnt care for me to much after that. after all was said and done we all lived. so they went to recover the treasure out of the massive pile only 3 items survived. the dm was dismayed. we knew for a fact that there was 2 relics and at least 10 +5 items in there. to a group of level 10 characters this would have been the best possible thing to come across. i destroyed them all on accident so i tried to explain myself.
me: how was i supposed to know the tree would explode acid everywhere.
cleric;maybe the fact that our fighter took acid damage for cutting one of the vines would tip you off.
me: you would think that it might but i totally didnt consider that.
cleric: you rarely do.
me: can i have that staff??
everyone:NO
me asking the dm: how much xp do i get.
dm: WHAT
me: well that was a big freaking tree what was its cr??
dm: that doesnt matter it wasnt an encounter yet.
me:it attacked us i killed it i want my MFING XP.
dm: ok u get 35 xp for killing a creature with a cr 2 higher than your level.
he must have expected me to complain about it. lol what he didnt know was
me: sweet i leveled, hey seriously guys can i have that staff.
me(dm shopkeeper):good day sir how might i be of service
steve: im here to buy a sword for my next mission
me: excellent they call me honest abe i never lie and i be having plenty of magical arms and armor for sale.
steve: ok i have 250 gp but i need a strong sword.
me: sir you have touched me with your story a young adventurer like you deserves a weapon that will help you make it home safely.
steve: (a bit confused) ummm yeah not dieing would be great so youll make me a deal??
me:i run a very lucrative business here ill sell you this finely crafted elvin longblade, crafted from mithril and imbued with the power of the storm. all i ask is that you be successful in all your endeavours.
steve: for 250 gp hell yeah ill eb succesful ill even send my friends here for more stuff they have more money than i do thanks man.
dm:hands over the shiny sword.
steve looks it over and swings it: wow thanks mister bye.
steve caught up with the rest of the party and pulled out his sword chest puffed up as he displayed his +2 weapon to the group of level 3-5 characters.
elf wizard: whats that.
steve: this is my lightning blade. you should know about it its of elven design.
elf wizard: my people would never trade in such crude wares.
steve: but its magical.
elf wizard casts detect magic: no it isnt
steve in a whiny voice: but but but he said it was an elven long blade crafted from fine mithril and imbued with the power of the stormmmmmm.
elf wizard: well he lied.
steve: but he said he never lies.
our level and classes dont really matter.
were down in the 5th subterranean level of a dungeon. one of our party members says
"wait right here im going to sneak around this corner and scout ahead so we can avoid traps and such. I"LL BE RIGHT BACK"
we never saw him again.
has anyone ever noticed that dungeons run by the same rules as horror movies.
our level and classes dont really matter.
were down in the 5th subterranean level of a dungeon. one of our party members says
"wait right here im going to sneak around this corner and scout ahead so we can avoid traps and such. I"LL BE RIGHT BACK"
we never saw him again.
The last time I was alone in a dungeon was in 3.5. My group lef tme behind to watch the rear, really wanting a random encounter to kill me since my character creeped them out. Now, they lef tme behind with the corpses of 6 orcs, with the decision I should dismember them so they aren't raised as zombies as logic, and they would clear ahead. 'Keep an eye out' they said.
Me and dm go into other room when he rolls a random encounter. I come back after it, dm has a grin, I don't. The rest of the players start to grin.
They come back and find the corpses of 10 orcs , dismembered and seperated into neat rows, including seperate spots for different organs (healing and knowledge: anatomy were highly ranked, since I was the 'combat medic' outside of magical healing)
Me: Oh Hi guys! I think one got away.
As a player I always throw my attack rolls alongside my damage rolls and every freaking time when I have a high attack roll I have very very low damage rolls and ofcourse the opposite, low attack rolls and missing is getting almost full damage.
Last session I had to roll on checks quite often and you never know what, I rolled 7 NATURAL 20's in a row, upon which I say.
"I'm probably going to jinx this by saying that I've never rolled so many natural 20's in a row"
I should've kept my mouth shut, the following rolls never got above 13...
Last session I had to roll on checks quite often and you never know what, I rolled 7 NATURAL 20's in a row, upon which I say.
HAX!
- Prof. Allan Butler, aka Mr. Muse, aka the Mythomorph. Turns into mythological creatures by reciting poetry. Sometimes loses control and goes on a rampage eating people. Opposed by Heroic Resolve, who transforms into mythological heroes. (Nice flip there).
- Karnak, the golem from Jewish mythology. Made of stone, turns into dust, and has a few millenia worth of investments. Opposed by a cult and the other three elements (all Biblically themed).
- Ace Brick, Private Eye. Flight, strength, invulnerability. You know, basic superman. Except he can also talk to animals and inanimate objects. Opposed by the Brick Layer, a drunken one night stand who didn't survive a certain someone's lack of restraint. She came back as a cyborg bent on vengeance.
- Dilon(?) Murphy. Stretchy and superfast, former IRA carbomber. Also a compulsive kleptomaniac. Opposed by Special Agent Felix, MI5. Formerly "Felix the Cat," burglar extraordinaire. Before Murphy killed his family.
....Yeah, Justice League we ain't.
Scenario 1: We need to break into British government records to learn about a company making a supersoldier serum. Enter Murphy.
"Sneaking in and taking things is a little different from my usual M.O. I'm more used to leaving things. But I'm sure the principle is the same."
Scenario 2: Our infiltration was completely botched by 3 natural 1s and not a single stealth or investigation roll above 5. For plot reasons, we eventually get the file anyway. That said, we're about to look at the files finally.
Murphy: I thought you had it.
Ace Brick. I thought you had it.
Allen Butler: I thought you had it.
Karnak: I thought you had it.
DM: *sigh* Murphy, you have it.
Scenario 3: Special Agent Felix shows up for the first time. By tripping Murphy at superspeed (this has become a running gag). Felix gets a chance to introduce himself and gloat over finally getting revenge after all these years.
Murphy: Would you believe I've been framed?
Felix: Just how many superfast stretchy Irish bombers do you think there are?
Murphy: I'm sure I've heard of at least two more.
"I hate illusions they're not real !"
comedy
Dragonborn sorcerer: "I mean, you're a dragon, I'm a dragonborn, we're pretty much brothers."
Dragon: "WHAT?!?!? (inhales to emit fiery deathness)
Halfling rogue (me): "Now you've gone and fudged the bucket."
"The sad thing is, the cannibal is our moral compass."
By this stage we were in hysterics at the thought of my mage attempting to jump the table, tripping over his robes and planting his face squarely on the edge, getting up in a half-concussed daze and then attempting to cast spells which sail all over the room.
Finally my DM just asked me to roll to see if I could even pick up a book......
Failed.
We were playing a pretty tough go in Dark Sun, knew were slightly underpowered for what we were going to fight but we're brash and slightly stupid.
We come up this mountain path to a small cliff lined with some brambles. We start the fight and it becomes clear we are in a bad spot, ranged guy up on another cliff, invisible biatch floating around screwing things up and I start looking for last ditch options.
As I'm looking at the board I notice the proximity of a few of the mobs to the cliff edge has changed drastically and I fire off a Dimensional Scramble and launch his archer a square out into nothingness. The DM smiled slightly before I used my AP and launched another guy out into the void.
The DM gritted his teeth as he laid into my party some more, and as my turn came around again I dropped Living Missile on his original creation and sent it back and forth throught the brambles, each square causing 1d8+5 dmg for moving into it, I literally tore it to pieces!
He just looked so dejected it was hilarious. A fight we definitely should've lost turned into an easy victory. Granted we packed up and headed back to town after the fight, but it was a fun one!
The DM Smiled and asked us are you really destroying the sword? We said yes and he described a demon bursting forth from its imprisonment armed with a blade similar from the one he escaped from.
The demon then told the party something like. "You have freed me fools and I will tear you to pieces and feast upon your quivering souls for repayment."
Combat ensues and the Demon had initiative
He jumped and spit some substance that blinded our best fighter behind me.
Then the demon attacked my character.
Me: Critical Parry (the sword goes flying in a random direction hitting the fighter,doing no damage, and landing at his feet)
Me: My attack I want to payback the demon for blinding our fighter and Critically call a shot to the demon's eye blinding one of them.
Fighter: Blind but knows something metallic hit him like a sword. Rolls to find it at his feet and destroys the sword with one blow.
The Demon looks up dismayed and holding his eye.
Rogue: Started a House of Flying Daggers volley at the demon and crit several times knocking him down.
Mage: Used Deathtouch (which did nasty damage in Gurps.) to finish him off on the first round of combat.
After this incident there wasn't a villain who EVER felt like giving a speech to our party again.
So in a room full of statues as traps that actually couldn't be moved the conversation went like this...
"I'm going to move the statues"
"You can't, those actually are... bolted to the floor."
"Oh well i'm going to have the fighter help me pick up this body here and..."
"Nope, that's uh.. also.. bolted to the floor."
"Well then i'm going to scoop up some of hte blood here and..."
"NO, the BLOOD IS BOLTED TO THE FLOOR!"
we paused and let that sink in. He's since eased up, but it was hilarious.
Dm: you sense a very bad dark aura eminating from the spellbook, you shouldn't touch it.
Elf Warrior: i piss on marty's spellbook
Dm: (sigh) dark shadows come out of the book and make you feel like you have lived a thousand lives and you now have post traumatic stress disorder.
Later in the campaign after we battle marty and he disintegrates...
DM: you sense that you shouldn't touch the ashes
Elf warrior: (Just before leaving the room) I SNORT THE ASHES!
the dm was going to kill the character, but decided to put him in a coma for 300 days. Another party member got a natural 20 on heal check which lessened it to 3 days. The elf warrior guy still hasn't learned his lesson
"You now have a kraken corpse on the deck of your ship, tentacles tangled in the rudder system, and are sailing out of control toward a lava planet. What do you do?"
Various useless suggestions are submitted, such as "I search the kraken for treasure" and "Don't corpses fade after a short rest or something?"
Finally, someone gets fed up and exclaims (in a warm, cheerful tone)
"Let's resurect it and ask it to leave nicely!"
Queue enormous soda spray from the guy chugging a can of Pepsi, which just made it funnier.
I'm pretty sure I wasted over half the can. Thankfully it missed the TV, books, and table.
half red dragon 'how big is the crow of people bidding on me?
DM 'like 20 people'
half red 'and all i na group in front of me?'
DM yes
half red 'breath weapon'
DM 'OH'
Man that was a fun session, ended up being a run through the town and all sorts of bad guy things.
Scene 1: Introduction of John Hope.
So, we've got a new player, and his "superhero" is John Hope - a time traveler whose time machine broke and now he's stuck in the past until he can repair it. We of course mob him with questions of what the future is like. Eventually he gets sick of it and says that if he tells us, he'll have to kill us. To which Ace Brick, private eye responds, "How do you know we aren't your ancestors?"
John Hope: Is your last name Hope?
----------------------------
Scene 2: What a Relief
Previously we fought a pair villains: Black-Face Snow White and Joker Sleeping Beauty. Coal Black and Quiet Riot in game. Ace Brick tore their heads off, as he always does, and Mr. Muse loses control of his stoner-esque myrmecoleon form and eats Quiet Riot's body. Well, turns out that allowed Quiet Riot to possess Mr. Muse, and he attacks his companions. Attempts to exorcise the ghost include trying to throw Mr. Muse off the plane to his own death and shooting him full of laxatives. The latter one actually works to break the possession. The DM informs us that Quiet Riot will no longer be able to possess the Mythomorph.
me (playing the Mythomorph): How do I know she can't possess me anymore.
DM: You have a feeling of intense relief when you... relieve yourself. You take an existential sh#&
It took five minutes to get back to game.
Paladin: "HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY! You think you can just come into MY town, blow up MY stuff, try to mess with MY friend and get away with it? Well, you may be big, but the bigger they are, the harder they fall when I kill them!"
BBEG: "YOU WILL BE THE FIRST SQUISHY TO DIE!"
Paladin: "Squishy? Who're you calling a squishy? When people talk about this town's resident bad-ass, and I assume they do, they talk about the great Kenlar! And of all the squishies, I am the greatest and squishiest of them all!"
BBEG: "You're all talk and no skill. I am several times bigger than you. I could crush you with a hand if I wanted to."
Paladin: "Too afraid."
BBEG: "Not at all. I just don't want to bend down so I can do it. So instead I'll just crush you with my oversized mace!"
Paladin: "This, is a mix... of the best and the worst day ever." *SMACK* Paladib knocked to -60 HP. "Worst day ever."
In retrospect, he should've seen it coming, trying to mock the BBEG. On the up-side though, he did keep the BBEG distracted, because he was constantly revived and killed.
GM: You find a corpse
Player#1: I examine it, maybe ye can figure out how he died
GM: you find a large gash in his back. Apparently he was killed by some kind of bladed weapon.
Me: Well, one thing's for sure, all this could have been prevented if this guy had a little more...hindsight. YEAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!
After that we had to break a little to get back in character.
(look up the CSI Miami intro if you don't get that)
Our DM is content with letting us have computers at the game table, provided we aren't looking up monster information mid-encounter (which none of us have an active subscription to DDi, so no worries). We're running the Keep on the Shadowfell adventure, and we get to a rather large encounter outside a kobold den entrance.
Cast:
DM
Donn-Me
Thorn-Dual-wield Ranger
DM: You guys see a magic circle on the left side of the waterfall. You're not entirely sure what it-
Me: I walk to it.
DM: ...Really?
Me: Sure, why not? I'm a Sorcerer, I could figure out what it does, right?
Thorn: This doesn't sound like a good idea. Maybe we should-
Me: Screw that, I'm going to the circle.
DM: ...Need I remind you that there are kobolds up the wazoo here? As well as one rather large kobold commanding them? Do you honestly think they'll let you walk up to their circle?
Me: *pause* I'm going to call lightning to strike around the circle.
*Makes intimidate roll*
Donn: YOU SEE MY POWER!!!
*Crit*
DM: ...Well ****. They all run back into the den.
Thorn: ...So are you going to go check the circle?
Me: Me? Hell no, I just wanted to frighten some kobolds.
Upon realizing what the circle did, we set up camp there. Later...
DM: A swarm of kobolds come out of the den. More kobolds are coming from the river.
Thorn: We're screwed, aren't we?
DM: Maybe. What are you going to do?
Me: Free action to set the mood?
DM and Thorn: ???
Me: *turns on Ride of the Valkyries*
Me: Lets do it.
The party ends up slaughtering the entire den, with only Thorn falling a few times.
DM: Well congrats, you cleared out a Kobold den.
Me: Never underestimate the power of Wagner.
So yesterday my bard dies from a planned ambush so I wasn't actually that upset...however the group dismembers her corpse and carry along her arm as bait.
The assassin then says: Can I throw the arm as a weapon?
DM: Umm...sure. I'd say it can do 1d4. Roll to hit the spot you want to throw it.
(the assassin misses with a 7)
DM: Looks like the arm misses the spot you wanted but it smacks the first minion in the head, killing it.
Yeah so in our campaign, a dead bard arm can be used as a deadly minion killing weapon. My guess is, it can only go up from there.
Yeah so in our campaign, a dead bard arm can be used as a deadly minion killing weapon. My guess is, it can only go up from there.
My group collects severed penisses from badguys and use them to slap other badguys. I'd say you have a while to go.
Scene 1: Flipper
We're raiding the villain's lab, and there's all sorts of animal test subjects for their supersoldier formulas. We learn this from a telepathic dolphin.
Murphy (the dumb one): So, did the superserum work?
Dolphin: I can talk to you through your mind. Clearly yes.
Scene 2: That's gotta hurt!
We're facing the second in command, Warner Herzog, and he's statted up to be pretty near invincible. When even Grendel can't hurt the guy on a direct hit, we start getting creative.
Murphy: Does Warner Herzog have a spiked codpiece on?
DM: Um, no....???
Murphy: Then I punch him in the balls.
Sure enough, we finally did some damage to him. The rest of the battle consisted of beating him in the balls until he passed out. Not everyone aimed there, of course - but it's the only thing that did damage.
During the first encounter, the PCs faced 4 Human Guards and a Guardian Commander (a large Construct). Knowing fully well that both me, my brother and one of the other players in the group are very much into mecha, I had decided to make some changes to the Guardian Commander, so it could be used as a Mount (+2 AC and Fortitude. Can be armed for better bonuses). And of course, during todays session, this became pretty much exploited. But not overpowered at all.
First encounter:
DM (me): As you enter the dry-dock, you can hear some footsteps, and after a moment, some guards come from every entrance, four of them pointing their Crossbows at you. "Who are you?" one of the Guards ask.
Psion: "Your death."
Warden: "And I, am going to pilot that thing."
Battle begins.
Warden: Throws a Warmace at the Pilot of the Guardian Commander. *Crits*
DM: You scored a Critical? Talk about damn luck. Okay, the Pilot falls down dead.
Warden: Cool. I run over and prepare to climb up next turn.
DM: Okay, the Guards are paralyzed with fear. Not strange, considering that you just killed a guy with a Warmace at 10 meters distance. Psion, you're up.
Psion: Okay. I use Betrayer on one of the guards.
DM: Okay. I suppose you intend on letting me know what it does.
Psion: I slide it a few squares and force it to attack an ally with extra damage.
DM: Fan-f***ing-tastic. One of the Guards suddenly shoots his ally. *Crit*... And kills an ally.
Sorceror: I suppose that means it's my turn now. I use Dragonfrost on one of the guards (deals a bit of damage, but not enough to kill another enemy).
Warden: Okay, then it's my turn again. I use two move actions. One to climb up, and one to move over to the two last uninjured guards (they were standing adjacent to each other).
DM: Okay. *The guards all attack, one at a time*
*** Cut to end of battle ***
Warden: Well... that was 18 well-spent seconds.
After the actual dungeon, they entered a treasure vault, where they found a large amount of gold and art objects, as well as their first Magic Weapon and Armor. Then, a Mourning Haunt appeared through a portal it created from somewhere else. The three PCs then went on to attack it, only to learn that it could teleport when hit by Melee attacks... Their countermeasure:
Psion: How high Arcana do I need to bend Space/Time to my will to prevent it from teleporting?
DM: Uh... Let me see... infinite. You can't manipulate Space/Time.
Warden: Since he's a Shardmind Psion, can't he just make it think it can't teleport?
DM: No. Then I'd rather accept that he can create a temporary distortion in Space/Time to prevent it from teleporting. But only for 2 rounds.
Psion: Okay. I only need to roll 20. *Roll* Natural 20. It can't teleport.
DM: [mumbles]F*** you.
After the dungeon, they returned to the Guard Captain to request more work, but he sent them off to look for something to do by themselves. They eventually went to the local insurance office (don't ask why there was one) and got their little mecha insured, after which they spent some money on equipment for it, thus giving it a Repeating Crossbow with 4 clips and a Heavy Shield. Then, they went to the local tavern, and this is where they really, really, REALLY got side-tracked by the biggest opportunity to get some easy money and XP. Outline for how the next part was supposed to go:
1: PCs get job.
2: PCs go kill guards.
3: PCs steal treasure.
4: PCs give treasure to client.
Now this is how they went about it:
Warden: *Stabs sword in table to get attention* "Hey. We hear you need some help."
Client: "You think you City Guard dogs can help me?"
Sorceror: *makes strange hand movements*
Psion: *Makes the Client think he sees a fireball in the Sorceror's hands*
Client: "Perhaps I should be so picky about the first suicidal fools who offer their help."
Warden: *Picks up sword and starts swinging it around slowly*
Client: "Yesterday, I lost a treasure to a very popular antique-store owner in town. He's a bastard, but I can't do anything about it. Now I want you dogs to steal it back."
Warden: "How much are you willing to pay?"
Client: "I'll think of that when you give it back to me."
Warden: "Fine by us."
Client: "Just be sure to bring it back."
PCs learn where it is and go there. During the day to look around. The Psion looks in the back-room while making everyone think he's still in the front. He finds 10 guards standing on guard.
The PCs then leave and come back during the night, where they stealthily unlock the door, open it and look inside, only to learn that there are no guards during the night. They sneak in, look at the box they're looking for, take an extra look and see the small strings underneath the box that are also attached to a set of bells, while one of the strings lead outside. Psion then takes a hempen rope, takes one hair from it, ties it to the table's leg and, carefully, the other end to the string go through the door. They then slowly pick up the box, after which they run like hell. When they come back to the inn, the client is not there, so they rent a room and try to open the box, which can only be done with magic. They then take the contents and replace with a bag holding some cobblestones to make up for the weight of the golden armguards inside the bag that originally was in the box. Then, they take the box and carefully seal it again, and stuff the armguards in their bags, and go to sleep. Then, when they wake up, they go down to the inn and wait until the end of day, when he will be there. Then, when he shows up, the PCs ask start blackmailing him for money, in exchange for the box with cobblestones. He is eventually forced to pay 1500 GP for the box itself and another 500 to cover the PCs' expenses (they didn't even have any) and for them to not tell anyone that he has been involved in theft. Then, the PCs go to the Antique-store to offer to help the owner get the box they had just stolen back, and actually manage to pull it off... He winds up paying 500 GP for an illusory box created by the Shardmind Psion to make him think he got the box, when the PCs actually went to their client's store and emptied it, stealing 50 GP, 5 Alchemist's Fire, Acid and Frost (5 of each) and some other funny stuff. Not the smelly boots in the corner, though. The PCs then returned and gave him an illusory box, and returned to their client, and told him that they had just seen the antique-store owner carry the box again. They then offered to get it back again, and this time give him an illusory box as well.
The whole things ends up with the PCs earning 4000 GP, 5 Alchemist's Fire, Frost and Acid, some Healing Potions, a box, a bag of holding stolen form the antique-store, and two low-grade mages who are about to go to war over who tricked who. In other words, the PCs' reputation only increased from this whole side-quest, that turned into something WAY bigger than planned. The 4-step procedure was what I had planned for. The half novel is what they made it into. They even got their hands on a Key Item they weren't even supposed to have yet. Have I mentioned I love my Players' sense of improvisation. Heck, the entire sidequest was improvised.
Moving right along.
Next thing that happened, was that the PCs heard about some trade routes that had been cut off. This led the PCs to their next adventure, where they would fight some bandits. During the two encounter we had time for, we had a bit of fun too. Two of the enemies, Halfling Thieves, were dumb enough to move in to attack with their daggers. The Warden then asked if he could step on them. I allowed him to do that, just for fun. It wasn't much fun for the halflings, of course, but the need of the many out-weighs the need of the Halflings... or something along those lines. How did we rule this, you ask? Easy. Enemy under the slightly improved Mecha's foot (it only gave +4 AC and +2 Fortitude and Reflex) are Helpless. Next round, he decided that it could be fun to jump on them. This resulted in both dying.
Next encounter, there was a Bandit Leader, who got the honor of going out as the first in the encounter. How did he do it in one turn?
Sorceror: I use Thunderclap (or something like that) against the leader.
DM: Okay. Roll it.
Sorceror: *rolls* 25 against Fortitude. He's hit. 20 damage.
DM: Okay... The Bandit Leader is pissed off now. He decides to go against the mecha. He uses Sweeping Strike on it.
Leader: "Those things you call legs... Do you really need them?" *strikes* *hits* *knocks Mecha prone*
DM: The Mecha drops prone... And lands on top of the Bandit Leader. The remaining enemies are terrified.
All in all, we had a really good time. The Players had fun, I had fun, we got off-script for the first time in our group's history, and they got to do whatever they wanted to. So... All in all, they deserve a cracker. The fact that both shop-keepers were complete idiots probably didn't make it any more sane either. Not considering that one of them was drunk whenever they met him.
Note to self: The most funny moments come when my planning is so incredibly vague it's almost non-existent.
I play a seeker that is sort of a lone hunter/assasin type thing, only with the party for a couple sessions while one of the other players gets a go at DMing. As such the seeker is set up so he can sneak around and take out a guy before exfiltrating.
We come to a large cavern in the mine we are clearing, I sneak up to see whats going on. Succesfully getting close, as I am about to set up and watch the events the Dragonborn Warlord walks up beside me.
"What are you looking at?"
Gah! The fight ensues before I can even get a single shot off at the leader at the other end of the cavern.
Rock I envisioned as a mix of frat boy, penitent Bachuss style Avandra worshipper, and frothing at the mouth norse berserker.
I think I managed to pull it off fairly well with our one battle with the party. Imagine, for one he speaks like an overly excited Larry the Cable Guy, and note that he is a Halfling Monk.
The highlight for the session was definitely when I swung and missed with "swift river floods" and so action pointed to activate "stunning palm."
I fluffed the attack as jamming the quarterstaff sideways trying to bash the BBEG's knee's. Since I missed DM ruled that he had just kind of hopped over the staff, so I decided my stunning palm would be me bashing my head into BBEG's crotch while pulling him back with the staff for extra force.
It was at this point the group started laughing, and a "that looked like **** from here" joke was made.
At the end of the battle the party obviously questioned him on what a random halfling was doing joining the battle, and somewhat congratulating because he was effective in the battle. It was at this point that the swordmage started speaking up.
Swordmage: "I saw that technique you did back there? What exactly was that?"
Monk: "Oh that? That's a variant of monkey grabs the peaches. Master always said that sometimes techniques can't be done so cleanly on field of battle, so I just had to improvise some."
(Entire groups cracking up)
Swordmage: "Improvise? Can you improvise like that on me? How much would that cost?"
Monk: (intentionally ignoring the innuendo) "Oh that takes years of practice and devotion to master."
Swordmage: "How tall are you anyways?"
Monk: "About 4 foot... 4 foot '5 more THAN YOU'VE GOT!"
It was a good session and I think Rock the halfling monk has made his impact.
DM: "To the marketplace! How much gold does everyone have?"
Player (with complete sincerity): "Um.. I forgot to write it down last week. I think I have... 500 AD?"
DM: "WHAT! That's impossible!"
Player: "Oh. It must have been... 50 AD?"
DM:
"OK, he's got no gold, how much does everyone else have?" Player:
Not DnD replated (same player)
I've been playing a bunch of old games lately. I even beat Duck Hunt.
Oh cool! Wait, since when can you beat duck hunt??
Well, I'm using a very loose meaning for "beat the game..." I shot the dog a lot though!
Rogue: So merchant what goods are you carrying?
DM(as Merchant): Hinges!
...Few Moments later.
DM: Bandits pop out of no where brandishing their weapons and say "Give us your valuables."
Me: Sorry guys false alarm we just have hinges.
Rogue: Yeah, there is definitely going to be a better caravan coming up soon.
...Later after the game
Player: Heres what we do... (lays out a very complicated plan)
Me: okay while you guys do that I'm stealing the hinges.
Rogue: I'll help you with that.
Other Game
In a spycraft campaign, my friend and I were dressed up as FBI agents.
DM(as Maximium security prison Warden): Can we see your badges? We have to cross check them with the database.
Me: Badges? We don't need no stinking badges.
Player: "So on one hand we would be running through dark forests chased by Nazguls, and on the other we would be in Alice Wonderland with gnomes dead-set on sticking candy bars into our arsholes. Give me the Nazguls, please!"
Cobb: (my rogue/swashbuckler) I prefer the term "survivor".
We're interrogating a halfling and it's getting nowhere. My fighter (whom I based on Richard Moll) picks him up off of his feet and says "Does the phrase 'closed casket funeral' mean anything to you?" It did not, because our prisoner was just that nuts.
We got into a fight with giant ants.
The first couple of rounds I scurried around like a scared child, avoiding one of the ants that's trying to bite my head of (I'm a level 1 in a level 4 party against 5 giants ants). I got so scared I started running to the one person that saved me, a mage.
The ant that's trying to kill me the whole time, finally gets 2 good shots at me dropping me below bloodied value.
I finally join the battle, nearly bloodying an ant with a single attack, I charge at another one and finally get a massive hit from a dying ant, dropping me at -11HP (4 more points and I would've been dead in my second session with this group).
Upon which the following conversation starts:
Me OOC: k, I'm down, anyone got a heal.
Cleric OOC: nope...oh wait I do have one. I heal him for 7 HP
me OOC: what no extras, what kind of lazy healer are you.
Cleric OOC to DM: Oh, I have another heal, I give it to him. To Me: Happy now
Me OOC: well, guess it's better then nothing.
Me: I'm hungry (as I forgot about the raging/battle completly after falling unconsious)
Me to DM OOC: wasn't there a burned ant corpse nearby?
DM: Yeah it's about over there (points the square)
Me OOC: I start running towards it and start eating with much gusto ^^
Rest of the Party: wha...Eeeeeew
That's it for now, I'm still reading from page 235 upward so I'll see the comments later on :D
I'm a pretty new DM. I thought two things would be really cool. The first is a racial rollchart, so that everybody we meet is not either a human, an elf, or a dwarf. I usually forget to roll until I actually need to say the race of the NPC. The other is that since I own the Complete Recordings from the Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring, I stick the CDs into the stereo and play them during sessions; it's great background music. (By the way, I am the DM as well as a PC.) Anyway, these led to some interesting moments...
My adventuring duo (Volnurin, a drow paladin of Corellon, and Selena, an elf bard/rogue) enter the second-largest city on a very large continent...
Me (as DM): Okay, we're new to the city, so to learn more about it, roll a Streetwise check.
(We roll. I roll low. My wife (Selena) rolls a Nat 20.)
Me: Okay, the town greeter runs directly towards you enthusiatically, waving his arms and shouting, "NEW PEOPLE!!" He's wearing a white Greek-like tunic and sandals, and he-
My wife: What race is he?
Me: (I roll and check.) Warforged.
[We both crack up at the image of a large, heavy, yet enthusiastic and exuberant Warforged bounding towards us.]
A few weeks later, we are in Canyon City, a Dwarf "port" city tunneled out of the sides of a canyon, with wood/rope bridges spanning the gap all over the place. This is the first time I used the LOTR Soundtrack. Selena and Volnurin are on such a bridge at dawn. Selena has slowly been falling for Volnurin, and...
My wife: I kiss Volnurin on the lips.
Me: Volnurin does not push you away, but does not return it, exactly. (Not out of character for him.)
(A bit of an emotionally charged moment as Selena realizes she won't get a definite response right away. We run a somewhat dramatic campaign at the moment.)
Suddenly, from the speakers behind me:
"Hey, ho, to the bottle I go,
I fill my heart and drown my woe..."
Me (as DM): A party of drunken halflings wanders by behind us...
Since I use the same discs, the halflings keep coming up. It's a running gag. Whenever they show up, the fight comes to a screeching halt while allies and enemies alike stare at them. When the song's over, we resume beating the tar out of one another.
My wife (as Selena): Are they following us?!
Me (as DM): It must be a traditional halfling drinking song.
A similar time, as Selena and Volnurin are in the middle of fighting an iron wyrmling...
From the speakers, Gandalf's voice:
"The road goes ever, on and on, down from the door where it began..."
Me (as DM): In the next room, we happen to hear a kobold singing in a surprisingly rich voice...
My wife: Can you say "bloodied" if it is an air elemental?
Me (as DM): Elemental Air creatures are hereby declared to be "winded" instead of bloodied.
One of Selena's At-Wills is "Vicious Mockery." We decided that Selena tends to favor "Yo mamma" jokes as her insult of choice. The best ones:
To a white dragon wyrmling: "Yo mamma was a snowflake!"
To a drow: "Yo mamma was a hook horror!" (As a DM, I decided that "hook horror" was Drow slang for a really ugly prostitute.)
To a faerie dragon: "Your father was a pixie!", and "Yo mamma was glitter!" which was ammended to, "Yo mamma was a Twilight vampire!"
My wife, on deciding an eventual Epic Destiny: "So, as a Keybearer, I can go anywhere in time or space!"
Me: Oh my god... you're a Time Lord!
Volnurin (multiclass Sorcerer) already has a dragonling familiar. Roleplaying the discovery of Selena's new talkative parrot familiar, we realized that Volnurin would encounter it first, rising from trance before Selena wakes up. When she does...
Volnurin: Good. You're awake. (Grabs the parrot. Walks over to Selena. Sets the parrot firmly in front of Selena.) This blue parrot is your familiar. Tell it to shut up.
They're playing the ravenloft campaign and were marching through the woods at night (not they're brightest idea, only one person suggested to wait till it was night).
They allready encountered some werewolves and vampire spawns but those spawns got away.
As they're marching as (X = player spotter, P = player, N = NPC) following through the woods when only one player makes his listen check, but fails his spot check.
PPN
PXN
They are marching with the NPC's at the back.
The one hearing something urges those in front of him to walk even faster at which point the npc's are taken out by vampire spawns and the DM removes them with a wide grin from the grid. Only the one who made the listening check hears some more noise but doesn't really pay attention to it.
About 20 in-game minutes later someone decides to make a spot check.
Player: Hey... where did those other 2 guys go?
They're an experienced group, but they don't always make the brightest desicions :D
We're new to the game, and haven't gotten many of the rules down yet. My brother goes and uses a 3.5 map builder online to get a dungeon, the rest he makes up as he goes while I play it as my warlock William Whiteshade.
So after entering a room where a mad scientist, and his goblin minions, are trying to build a giant zombie. After some failed (and some successful) attempts to knock out the mage/scientist with Davy (the head of a guard from a previous room) We end up wrestling each other on top of the now flailing giant.
After I get the guy to accidently kill his own minions, and bloody himself, he triggers his bloodied power which is to explode. Soooooo.... >.> after failing to attack his balls for the third time, I choose to hide inside the unfinished flailing zombie giant. The guy gets on top rips open the chest, so I dig deeper. He (the dm my Brother) rolls to see if the attack hits, and it misses.
The zombies spasms knock him off into the wall before it's magical lifeforce finally gives out, and the mad mage explodes.
With everything else dead in the room the DM asks me what will I do now.
I reply "I crawl out the zombies butthole."
Rolled a 1 and a 3
That caused all the PCs to start quoting this scene from pulp fiction
www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPFRZDotAQc
which was probably especially fitting since one of them in the burst was a cleric, though would have fit better if the opportunity attack was from shooting rather than moving.
(talking about Zhentarim)
Paranoid cleric: How do we know we're safe, they're always watching us you know
flipant and reckless sorceress: What?
paranoid cleric: Yes!
Drow chimera rogue: No!
Paranoid cleric: Exactly!
Lawful good cleric: I dont get it?
Paranoid cleric: Because that's what they want you to think
clueless fighter: . . . . . . . who now?
everyone got drunk and this turned into a "the Hangover: DND version"
picture this: Wine bottles EVERYWHERE, a dead or unconscious kobold under the table, a paladin unconscious in the tree outside, a drunken rogue tied to the rafters, a stubborn bratty preteen male drow psion slumped over the table wearing a crown(where did he get that) and our prissy and stuck up female drow sorceress(we tease her by calling her princess) wakes up in bed with a dwarf who's at least twice her age, and finds a wedding ring on her finger just as the dwarf wakes up and says "are you another one of those hookers?" . . . . . now imagine the reaction. . . . .
In college I play a lot of D&D. Most game would start at 5pm end the next morning.
Here is what our cleric said out of charter, "How does one chunkafi them self?"
Guess how my character responds?
"But, Franklin... Walking will help you trim the weight off your fat head!"
All the other players started clapping.
In the beginning of the campaign yesterday, the players introduced their characters into the party. One such character was an extremely egotistical mage in search of power named "Franklin the Imperious," part of whose background was that he was conned into buying what he thought was the Slaying Stone of Kiris Dahn (turns out it was just a worthless, yet shiny, rock.). Anyway, after the campaign began, we were on a caravan going to found a new settlement. Franklin decided he was too good for walking, so he used his Suggestion cantrip to convince a caravaneer (appropriately named Dumass) to get rid of some of his food and start worshipping Franklin so that the egotistical mage would be able to ride in Dumass's wagon.
Guess how my character responds?
"But, Franklin... Walking will help you trim the weight off your fat head!"
All the other players started clapping.
now, that's something a Jester would find funny!
one of my players had printed out all the laws of waterdeep, in the form of a checklist the objective was to break as many of the laws as subhumanly possible.
what insued was the most psycho games ive ever seen and here are some of the quotes
Nilbog (goblin): If we attack the funeral, this should finish off the third plaint. Streetwise check; is there a funeral going on? [natural 20]
Stavir (kobold): I have a file of Stavir's known associates.
Observer: He runs on bread, and the by-product is toast. (speaking of a warforged being used by Stavir as a mount)
Stavir (kobold): Stavir has condition!
Jarly (kobold): Kobold therapist says Stavir has no condition! Stavir just steal!
DM (me): I am NOT designing rules for cocaine.
Stavir(kobold): That was a good use of cocaine. [after emptying chest of cocaine into city's water supply]
Priest (NPC): ...will be greatly missed. Lord Jeffrey could light up a room-
Nilbog (goblin): Could he light it up LIKE THIS? [casts burning spray on funeral]
Some how the new guy who's only started playing figured out the puzzle and we got past it without a fight. So, to take a sovenier, the Rune Priest 9'0" dragonborn, rips one of the runes out of the floor.
Disappointed that there isn't a fight, the guy who solved the puzzle (our mage) asks for a fight. I make up a reason for a fight, the tile the runepriest stole was a trapped piece (disabled or not) and the name of the rune piece was HELL.
So when the enemies started pouring out of the holes, I (along with being the dm, was the assassin) shouted to him:
"Throw the rune at them Torrin! Give'm HELL!"
Next episode of Moocow the baby Minotaur Barbarian. The session of a month ago wasn't that funny, except that the party got wiped and Moocow got badly injured, we survived through the houseruling.
A new player joined and one of the players took this opportunity to play a new character.
We all met up at an old ladies house (Rogue's new char) and came across a warlock (new player (female) first description she could come up with was an emo-warlock). The warlock would get us out of the cave underneath the temple we used to be in, IF we helped her get an item she couldn't get herself.
So of we go, through a snowy area, where I played in the snow (8-year old kid) and made snowballs. Arriving at the temple there where 2 undead standing guard. I didn't do a thing the first 2 rounds of combat. Then I through a snowball at one of the undead 8 damage (with a snowball).
A few rounds, a snowball and extra mobs later the following conversation starts:
Warlock (OOC): What the hell is wrong with that cow, all it does is throwing snowballs.
Me (OOC): And doing 8 damage with improvised heavy thrown...
Warlock: Oh shush...
2 rounds later
DM: Averio (mage and person I got attached to) just got attacked.
Had to wait another round because I alrdy acted.
Me: (N)obody (t)ouches Averio! I charge the basterd.
DM: k damage
Me: (insert high amount of damage).
DM: he drops
Me: k, I charge another one as a free action for dropping an enemy.
DM: k
Me: *Rolls dice, max damage for basic melee.*
DM: and another one goes down.
Me (OOC): That cow is better than you now, isn't it :D
Warlock: Puh
Group: Laugh
See ya next week for more crazyness.
Rogue: Like, he uses poetry to attack us?
DM: Yeah, that's what it says.
Fighter: Great, so we're fighting Vogons now.
Kobold's Ally: I shall avenge my friend. Hiya!
*Kobold rolls a 1*
Kobold: Well, um, uh, friends?
Barbarian: Um, no. You're my little bitch now, pal.
The PC's are travelling and encounter a decrepit old man walking an equally decrepit old donkey.
Ranger: Greetings traveller. And who might you be?
Old man: I am Idan, the merchant. This here (pointing to the donkey) is Slo-mer.
Ranger: Slo-mer? How did you pick that name?
Old man: Well his name used to be Gomer, but he doesn't Go much anymore.
Cleric and me (Minotaur Paladin) belly up to the bar. Gnome wizard (who is perpetually intoxicated) finds a corner to smoke his pipe and drink. Eventually some bar patrons take offense to me being a Minotaur. Seeing as how I'm good aligned and new in town I choose to play by normal bar brawl rules and don't draw my mace.
Eventually intiative gets around to the wizard and he unloads Magic Missile on the nearest brawler.
ME OOC: Really!? We're in a bar fight. Shouldn't we try to NOT kill them?
Wizard OOC: I'm a gnome wizard. I don't take any chances. Gotta make sure they know not to mess with me.
DM: Do you still want to use magic missile?
Wizzard OCC: Give em both barrels.
We're now 12th lvl and we still refer to using Magic missiles as "give them both barrels"
(falls to the ground, clutching head and screaming in pain)
*Our PC's were trying to get past a fire trap*
ME: I use arcana, Natural 20, thats 31.
DM: The trap is defused.
Me: GUYS, IT'S CLEAR!
DM: You know that using arcana only clears it for you, right?
Me: Really? Oh, um..well GUYS, IT'S CLEAR!
Rest of Party: *Facepalm*
Blackguard: "DM, stop having things grapple me, it's really annoying."
DM: "What? You always get in melee range first and the creatures grapple checks are really good, telling me to not use them would be like telling you not to use that Greataxe."
Blackguard: "Well, try not to do it so much in the future."
Next session
DM: "Blackguard, you provoke an attack of opportunity by the Purple Worm, it hits and gets to grapple as a free action. On it's turn it swallows you."
*Blackguard glares at DM*
DM: "What? It only grappled you for like half a round."
Rogue: "Okay, I've searched the corridor for traps, and we should be safe."
Knight: "I run through the portal at the end of the room."
DM: "Really?"
Knight: "Yes."
DM: "Ok, you appear at the start of the dungeon, completely naked. All of your equipment has vanished."
*Entire table bursts into laughter*
DM: Okay (thief), what do you do?
Thief:I STRIKE A POSE!
Balgus - Human Great Weapon Fighter
Atamus Frostfire - Dragonborn Barbarian
Thom aka Shifty - Human Battlemind
Traven Daleborn - Human Archer Warlord
Jake - Human Artificer
Ben - Jake's Mechanical Scorpion
Sir Edric Longbow the Mageslayer - Balgus' intelligent magic fullblade who mostly just heckles Jake
The intrepid adventurers are tracking down the source of a horrible drug in the city of Westgate. Somehow Balgus and Atamus managed to bluff their way into a small drug lab posing as potention investors. After seeing enough they decide to take out the guards overseeing the operation.
I have the players roll a d20 just to see if they hit (if they rolled low it might change the way I describe the action).
Balgus: *rolls a 13 plus 12 to attack*
Me: Balgus steps up behind the first guard and runs him through lifting him off the ground as he does.
Atamus: I'm going to take the second guard out *rolls a......1*
Me: As the guard turns to look at his now dead friend your axe barely misses him and hits him in the foot. He's screaming.
Atatmus: *horrified look* I attack again to finish him off *rolls a.....1*
Me: Your axe goes wide and lops off most of his arm as he held them up in a futile defense.
Atamus: *more horrified* Ok, ok i'll finish him off *rolls a.....1*
Me: There goes his other arm and blood is going everywhere.
Everyone else is rolling on the floor laughing (pretty literally).
DM "You walk down the dimly lit corridor. The floor is very slippery as the moisture from the waterfall has made its way down through the corridor. Up ahead you can make out the caverns. There is a rock ledge wrapping around the room and the corrior appears to go on. Looking down, you notice that the water appears to be moving rather quickly."
Rogue "I start making my way around the room on the ledge."
DM "I'm going to need a balance check."
Rogue "17"
DM "Ok, youre doing fine."
Dwarf Fighter "Balance Checks?! Oh f*** it. I jump in and drown myself!! "Makes drowning sounds, gurgling, and hand motions and hands me his character sheet.""
Quite honestly I wish that I had recorded that on video.
Kekrash is an Orc Paladin...Rolled REAL BAD when creating the character.....
Zip is a Goblin Warlord.
DM : My monster is attacking Zip!
Kek : I marked him! So he's taking damage!
DM : How much?
Kek : 3+Charisma modifier......So he's taking 2...
DM : OK...
KeK : Yeah, I ain't really cute so, people don't really care about me!
Wizard: They're red shirts! They're just gonna die anyway! In fact, fireball! There. They're dead. Problem solved.
DM: But you didn't hit the troll!
And I'm just going to point out she didn't even include the troll as a target. Just flasks of oil. This troll has since become a running gag in all of my games, carrying around the anchor of their ship and seeking revenge on the orc Captain Krunch for neutering him with a flaming mordenkrad.
Scout: Hey, can I sell you to this guy?
Me: Hell no! How much?
Scout: He offered 5,000 gold
Me: No way! halvies?
Scout: Sure
Me: DEAL!!!!
Of course, since the DM wouldn't condone giving us money for nothing, he said all my escape artist attempts (at +14) auto-failed =( The scout came and rescued me though, using all his uber power playing skills to outrun all the guards and jump a 20 foot wall with me on his back. He has the power.
Also, in another game, The Halfling Piratical Barbarian, the two druids and I found a map to a treasure trove sealed in a chamber on some island. The barbarian was looking at the map, and reading the directions.
Me: Hey, what's the barbarian's intelligence?
Druid 1: I dunno, like 8?
Druid 2: nah, it's 10
Me: Shame he's a barbarian. His 8 wisdom must inhibit him from realising he's illiterate
The wizard decided to fight the charge to which the DM responded
"You wrote 'I AM ZIMBABWAE THE GREAT!" in flaming letters on the front steps.
Our group was travelign through a narrow valley strewn with large boulders and rocks. Ahead in the distance a lone figure steps out and starts yelling at us. He was basically telling us we couldnt continue or we would face certain doom. As he was speaking an obscure language only two of the party members could speak (draconic, doh!), the conversation soon spun out of control with the NPC stamping his feet and proclaiming, "NONE SHALL PASS!"
At which point , one of our female gamers responded (ooc): I take out my habit and proceed forward...
Everyone stopped and the DM stared at her blankly for a moment, then the room roared with laughter...
Show
In case you didnt already catch the reference:
habit (noun)
1-archaic clothing
2-a:a costume characteristic of a calling, rank or function
In case you didnt already catch the reference:
habit (noun)
1-archaic clothing
2-a:a costume characteristic of a calling, rank or function
DnD 3e
Myself - Psirath - HalfDragon sorceror
Player2 - Can't remember his character's name - HalfCelestial fighter
DMPC - That stands for NPC the DM throws in, right? - Female human something
(We had a really generous (yet annoying) DM)
I'd just entered a strange tower, following someone who's head was worth a few gold and hadn't met up with the other player yet.
DM: You follow the thief into the ruins. As you pass down the corridors, you reach what seems to be a glowing circle.
Psirath: I cast detect magic.
DM: You surmise the glowing circle to be a portal.
Psirath: I cast mount (summons a horse) and send the horse in.
DM: Horse disappears, nothing else happens.
......
.......
.........
DM: Dude?
Psirath: Yeah, yeah, give me a minute, I'm thinking.
DM: *sigh* You feel a strong push from behind and you fall into the portal, welcome to myth drannor.
After I've met the HalfCelestial, we get to a part where we're about to fight a few undead (can't remember specifically what type they were).
Psirath: I cast burning hands!
DM: Your allies are in front of you.
Psirath: Yeah, yeah I know, but halfcelestials are immune to fire, that's why I cast it.
DM: Ok, *rolls saving throws*, all bad, roll damage.
Psirath: *rolls high* So?
DM: The undead and your human friend are dead.
The DM was kind of to give the halfcelestial an item to ressurect (once only) in anticipation of events like this thankfully.
We were now moving ahead and found ourselves outside a tower.
Psirath: I go in.
Halfcelestial: Wait, there might be traps.
Psirath: Oh yeah, I cast mount and send the horse in.
Halfcelestial: No, wait....
DM: Boom, you're all dead.
Player: oooo! I speak Goblin!
DM: Really? "hlsk lokdn islknd lkndk slkndi?"
Player: *flirtatiously* O, Stop it! ;)
My druid was trying to keep an alarm-toad (croaks when sees intruders) quiet by feeding it mushrooms found in the cave, when two bandit guards walked in through the door.
"What are you doing?!?!"
*Bluff check* Natural 20
"Giant toad delivery service, please sign here."
"Oh, ok then."
Later, after retraining for the power "Summon Giant Toad", whenever I use this power I look my enemy in the eye and say, "Giant toad delivery."
The druid walks over to the kobold and picks him up
"He's got a badge."
Needless to say, the orcs let them pass
(on a side note, the kobold is a major recurring villain now... also a super-rogue)
Myself (a kobold rogue (by the name of sneaks)) along with a human paladin, dwarven barbarian and a cleric have just entered into a dwarven stronghold that's in the middle of a siege by vampires. The dwarves make us 'deal' with holy water to prove we're not. While the majority of the party wipe holy water on themselves, my kobold drinks it instead. Later on, we're attacked by a golem and he's being controlled by the BBEG lich from a location we're unsure of. I leave the party and fumble around in the dark until I find myself standing right BEHIND the lich who hasn't noticed me.
Sneaks: Liches receive extra damage from holy water, right?
DM: Yes, but you don't have any on you.
Sneaks: I quickdraw my peni$!
DM: You what?
Sneaks: Can I pee on him for holy damage? :D
(DM actually allowed it :D)
Another 'moment', more moment than line:
I actually just started the campaign with my group who'd already been DnDing before I joined up with them, had to find a way to become a group member:
The group walk into town off a ship, my kobold rogue spots them and immediately tries to pickpocket them. A guard spots me (I succeeded my sleight of hand check, the guard spotted me without any rolls on the DM's part so that I don't just walk away with their gold). A guard picks me up by the back of the leather shirt.
Guard: Good men, I believe this kobold was trying to rob you.
Kobold: Rrrrr, I bite you! I have rabies! Rrrrrr!
Guard shakes the kobold.
Kobold: Nobody shakes sneaks!
*Kobold quickdraws daggers and slices off guards fingers (lucky crit roll on attack)*
Sneaks runs off and yells back: Sneaks works for royal mages (town was run by royal mages), they hear about this! (attempted bluff without rolling, didn't expect or care if they bought it, just a bland attempt)
*Another guard pulls up a crossbow but gets a critical fumble and the bolt blows up in his face*
NOW I roll bluff and sneaks says: Royal mages punish you! (Circumstance bonus plus high roll plus high skill modifier had them let my kobold make a break for it :D)
PC: I want to use intimidate.
DM: OK, so what do you do?
PC: Well, I, errr, I intimidate him...
DM: Yeah great, but could tell us how you intimidate him, rather than just stating that you do?
PC: Um, sure. OK, I get my knife out and I say "I AM GOING TO KILL YOU!"
that man knew how to roleplay.
*SIGH* And some actual good lines were finally started to get posted.
Yeah, sorry if I killed the thread -.-'
If it was about the first example being vulgar (I suppose it was a tad), it was because my character had DRANK holy water, not to mention our DM was tearing us apart with creatures leagues ahead of us with high AC and DR, along with a lich that was spellcasting from a location we couldn't figure out, my character was going to take any advantage he could get.
*SIGH* And some actual good lines were finally started to get posted.
Yeah, sorry if I killed the thread -.-'
If it was about the first example being vulgar (I suppose it was a tad), it was because my character had DRANK holy water, not to mention our DM was tearing us apart with creatures leagues ahead of us with high AC and DR, along with a lich that was spellcasting from a location we couldn't figure out, my character was going to take any advantage he could get.
It's not you, there's a lot of entries in this thread that just aren't even "good" let alone "best."
As a general rule, if it's a line your character said or something your character did, it probably was not as awesome as you (or even your group) thought it was. That's just my observation.
And yes, I'm quite able to reason out why YOU thought it was so awesome. However, if you honestly think it requires that much context or "set up" to understand just how funny/awesome you think it is, well, then it probably isn't as funny/awesome as you think it is.
It's a hobby made up of cliques. Cliques have in-jokes. In-jokes are hilarious...to the people in the clique.
As a general rule, if it's a line your character said or something your character did, it probably was not as awesome as you (or even your group) thought it was. That's just my observation.
And yes, I'm quite able to reason out why YOU thought it was so awesome. However, if you honestly think it requires that much context or "set up" to understand just how funny/awesome you think it is, well, then it probably isn't as funny/awesome as you think it is.
Sadly I agree with most of what you said, many jokes and moments are funniest to the group it came from than it is to most people. When I see people who said they were laughing for 5-20 solid minutes, I find their jokes (usually) either not that funny, or kind of funny but not enough to warrant such an exaggeration (if it's not an exaggeration then they're easily amused for long periods of time). I especially find this true of moments/lines where people feel they're forced to add 'you had to be there' (although a few were funny without having to be there.....plus since I CAN'T be there, there's no point to making this remark since you felt the joke was funny enough to post).
Although as for the context thing, it DOES depend somewhat on type of context. Context as in player/DM X always does Y when someone does Z so we surprised him with A (instead of Z) would be funnier for the group, but context like WHY someone would say 'I'm not sticking my finger in a lich!' does put things into perspective (line was funny by itself, but was hilarious when I was reading all the notes like 'it looks at you in a weird way' and 'it has eyes?' and so on and so forth (seriously, that was shockingly hilarious)), not understanding why someone would say that is kind of funny but the set up added just so much more.
I'm also liking the 'get me a gnome/then proceeds to tear gnome in half above a guy they're interrogating with the group going OMG!'
The funniest stuff does seem to be buried further back in this thread.
"Leave us alone! ... I've got a loaded goblin, and I'm terrified to use it!"
*the bard grabs the wench and kisses her* Keep the change.
"One of you son's a bitches dropped your bear!"
Needless to say, that ruined any further chance of diplomacy.
The players have made their way to a lakeside cave as they hunt a party of orcs. Very basic level 1 mini campaign with a first time player.
DM: The sand is soft and damp as you crawl your way up to the cave mouth, pressed against the wall you can't make out much of anything in the darkness within.
Cleric: I listen and try to see if I can hear anything moving inside.
DM: Roll it.
Cleric rolls and scores high enough to make out the sounds of snoring from within the cave.
DM: You alert the rest of the party that you hear what appears to be the sound of several creatures snoring from inside tha cave. What do you guys do now?
Barabarian (and first time player): I draw my axe, rush in, and chop the snoring.
Receives questioning stares from the rest of the party. The Barbarian shrugs and says that they told him he could do almost what ever he wanted to and they would try to make it happen within the rules of the game.
DM: *chuckles* sure, roll it.
He rolls a 20. Someone tells him to confirm the crit, he rolls another 20. Just for kicks the DM tells him to roll again, and he gets another 20.
DM: Your axe slices deftly through the air, rending the snoring appart and causing a sonic boom that deals 2d8 sonic damage to everyone.
The cleric dies, every one else is fine, and when they go inside the cave (the snoring stopped when it was cut in two) they discover a slew of dead orcs and plenty of treasure. As it turns out, they were meant to find the orcs, deem it too dangerous, and return to town for reinforcments. But instead, he chopped the snoring.
.Another story he told me was of one time he joined in the middle of a party's quest. The DM in this one had a real sick sense of humor. The quest was a twisted version of Sleeping Beauty. The characters were 5 dwarves, and one magic user. They all go to the local Inn and book a room, which they had to pay an insane price for, so they had almost no money. The dwarves go scouting around the castle where the princess was being held. They found a guard that was willing to let them in, for a fee of course. They didn't have any money, so they returned to the Inn. They discussed how to get money for the bribe, and came up with a brilliant plan. They were going to steal back their money from the Innkeeper. So the waited till night, and sneaked into the Innkeeper's room. While searching for their money, the keeper woke up. So they killed him. They took their money back, bribed the guard, sneaked through the castle grounds, and climbed up the tower to the princess. At which point she starts screaming, so they bonk her on the head, rolled her up in the carpet. They realized, though, they couldn't carry her down the stairs. So they decided that there was enough padding in the carpet, and threw her out the window. They climbed back down the tower, picked up the unconscious princess in the carpet, and were spotted by the guards. They ran back to the door they came through, which was closed. The magic user failed to unlock the lock, when one of the dwarves said "To hell with this, we don't have time", and started using the princess in the carpet as a battering ram. Once they got it open, they ran back to the Inn. They went to the keeper's room, unrolled the princess, and rolled up the keeper in the carpet, and threw him outside the castle walls. By this time everyone was laughing too hard to continue.
Me: I search the room. (rolls low on perception)
DM: You find nothing, its a bedroom with a bed, dresser and a wardrobe.
Me: (giggling to myself because I know the kobold was in the wardrobe) I knock on the wardrobe.
DM: You hear a small squeaky voice come out of the now shaking wardrobe. "I am just a wardrobe!" (DM rolls bluff and I roll insight. I roll a one and he rolls a nat 20 on the open table)
Me: Okay then Mr Wardrobe if you happen to see a kobold let me know. (leaves the room)
That kobold came back and turned into our campaign BBEG using the name Wardrobe. Hilariaty always ensued during meetings with him.
"I know what I'm doing!" as he rides into battle, leading the charge. Two critical fumbles later, we're all trying to figure out how to recover his body in three rounds - he had really bad luck with death saves.
Another player in the group was a Warlock. He was a fairly typical power gamer, though with a bit of an RP spirit in him. And he enjoyed killing things.
We were walking through a forest on a path (I was slightly ahead of the rest of the group) when the DM announced a bear was ahead on the road. We stopped and I was about to suggest we go around it/try to avoid it entirely when a group of kobold jumped out of the bushes on either side of the path. Everyone rolled for initiative and the Warlock PC went first.
Lock: "I attack the bear."
Everyone else: "What?"
Lock: "I'm attacking the bear."
Me: "You realize the bear isn't bothering anyone and we are under attack, right?"
Lock: "Yup."
Our DM is the kind of guy who will never let the opportunity for good fun go. The Lock makes his ranged attack and hits the bear. Of course it doesn't die, and soon it is the bear's turn to move (everyone else in the group fought the kobolds). What does the bear do? Charge the Lock.
The fun part? It had to pass by me first. Fortunately, it ignored me entirely.
DM (to me): "Alright. The bear ran right past you. You have two potential attacks of opportunity on it."
Me: "Right."
DM: *pause* "Are you gonna attack it?"
Me: "Nooooope."
DM: "You know it's going for (the Lock), right?" (DM is grinning from ear-to-ear, Lock PC is looking horrified)
Me: "Yup."
DM: "Okay!"
So my character basically steps aside and allows the Lock to get mauled to near-death. FORTUNATELY for him I was playing Lawful Good, so I got the bear's attention with some food and convinced it to leave before the Lock died (though unconscious he was). I then strolled up to his still form, bent down low and said, "You kinda deserved that, you know," mashed a "healing plate" over his head (DM invention; quite useful) and continued walking.
Later in that same campaign, we were in the mansion of an old nobleman whom we had learned to be a vampire. To add some context, it's nice to know that the paladin and the monk were half-brothers. Anyway, the paladin was leading the way down a hallway when suddenly a wild acid pit appeared! The paladin fell into the acid and started to take damage. The DM told him to make a Climb check to get out of the pit, but the paladin decided to use Jump instead. The DM didn't argue, although the rest of us were ready to face-palm (again). To our chagrin, the player makes a jump check and rolls a nat 20. The paladinm with his heavy steel shield and full plate armorm leapt up out of the pit, did a double front flip, and stuck the landing. We just stared blankly for a second before the monk said, "...I taught him that."
Goblin Sorcerer: "I know a great game." Pulls out some books and supplies. "Its called Houses and Humans!"
Human Male PC: I will care for him.
Goliath Female PC: Let me.
Human: Ummm (looks her up and down)
Goliath: I am nurturing damnit!
It was 4th edition and out of a party of 5 (half orc barb, dragonborn pally, half elf sorc, dwarf shaman, and elidran wizard) we were charged with hunting down and capturing a person in possion of a book that we needed. THe Dm set it up like a Baulders Gate map where we could take three routes, a mountain range, a desert, or the woods and it would be different depening. These were 100x 100 square maps too.
We decided to go the mountain route, and came to a rickity bridge, foreshadowing suggested it wouldnt support us. So ME being the barb ( playing it as a loyal reckless protective risk-taker) opted to tie a rope on while the pally held me.
Halfway through the span, intiative is called. I rolled high but delayed until I knew what was going to happen, turned out it was harpys coming up from the pit.
Tied down and being held, I said
" I look at Rhogar (pally),check the knot and nod."
Rhogar nods back
and as the rest of the party looks on I made a falying leap to grapple the harpy closest, succeeding and crushing it agianst the wall with my weight, crippling it and sending it to the pits,
DM loved it, gave us the surprise round against the rest and as I climbed up the rest of the party had dispacthed them mostly via ranged and the pally and I mopped up
The actions of Grimtod Hammerfell
For the first time in our group's history, we actually played the same alignment with all characters (although one was closer to good than unaligned). And for the first time, we don't have anyone evil in our party. Instead there are 6, now 7, "Morally Challenged" characters in the party.
We were running the "Cairn of the Winter King" adventure that comes with the Monster Vault, because our DM thought it could be fun to kill a few PCs with a WOTC-made adventure (lousy reason, I know). When we got to the shrine-temple-room, there was a ghost trying to say something we didn't understand. We promptly picked the lock and marched in. Here we found something telling us about two key being necessary, one being needed to open the door we picked, and the other to open some sort of secret passage.
Since we didn't have either key, we decided to go the long way around:
Blackguard: "How about forging our own key?"
DM: How?
(Slightly too Genre-Savvy) Bard: "Let's see what we have here... Ah. A jar with clay! We can use this."
DM: Wait... You brought clay? In an Ice Temple?
Bard: Yeah. You can never be too prepared.
Blackguard: I create a mold, so we can make our own key.
DM: Okay. Now you just need some way to actually make the key.
Bard: There's ice on the walls and ceiling. How about if we use that?
DM: You still need somewhere to work with it.
Monk: "Hey you. Armor-guy. Help me move that table we found earlier!"
DM: You're not going to move a table from one room in the dungeon to another.
Monk: Yes, we are.
DM: Fine, you have all you need. Now you just need some way to melt the-
Bard: I've got Scorching Burst and Alchemist's Fires.
DM: What?
Bard: I'm a Half-Elf. That gives me an At-Will power from another class, to use as an encounter power. I chose 'Scorching Burst'."
DM: Fine. It'll take 10 combat rounds before your key is ready.
Swordmage: Wait... Combat rounds? You've got to be joking...
Shortly after, we were attacked by a random guard patrol. They fell in no time.
DM: Okay, your key is ready.
Blackguard: Fine. I use it in the keyhole.
DM: Nothing happens. The key doesn't have the right magical properties.
Bard: "Swordmage, do yourself a favor and be useful. Try to see if you can find the real key somewhere in here."
He did as told, which led us straight to the room with the White Dragon.
DM: Okay, what are you going to do?
Monk: I jump up and grab the key. *Check successful*
DM: Okay, you now have the key. And Thrymzen is awake now.
Monk: "You cannot blame me for that."
DM: The dragon begins talking in Draconic.
Bard: I understand Draconic. And speak it too.
DM: What are you going to try?
Bard: I'm going to answer it.
DM: Okay. The dragon is surprised that you speak fluent Draconic. It lets you ask it 3 questions, before devouring you alive.
Bard: Okay... Any ideas?
Group discusses all kinds of questions we could ask the dragon, like "what are the Winter King's weaknesses?" and "How loyal are his underlings?". Then a very, very far-out idea entered my (the Bard's player's) head.
Bard: Bluff-check. How high DC?
DM: Excuse me? What are you trying to do?
Bard: I use "Words of Friendship" with Friendly Deception to increase my Bluff by 5. That brings it to 17 before rolling. How high DC.
DM: I still need to know what you're going to lie to it about.
Bard: It has been frozen solid for I don't know how many centuries. It has no clue about the outside world.
DM: Just say it please.
Bard: *rolls Natural 20* (In Draconic) "Thrymzen, I am the daughter of your old master, the Winter King. You have been frozen in ice for decades, and the world has changed. The Winter King's age is no more, for he has passed away, and now an imposter is trying to impersonate you old master, the Winter King. As part of your contract with my late father, it is now your duty to avenge his death alongside me. Will you lend me your might, O, great Thrymzen?"
DM: *blinks the eyes twice* The Dragon bows down in front of you, and lets you climb up on top of its back.
Monk: Uh, what happened to the combat encounter with a dragon?
Bard: The mighty Thrymzen has sworn his eternal loyalty to me.
Swordmage: But I wanted to kill a dragon!
Bard: And I've always wanted to ride one. Guess who got their way this time? Now lets go and reclaim the throne that is unrightfully mine!
Yes, the DM let us by-pass an entire combat encounter with a Dragon, because I got a Natural 20 on my Bluff Check, to make the dragon believe that I was it's rightful master.
)We eventualyl slew the winter king, and I took both the staff and the Crown (using Enchant to shrink it to appropriate size) and demanded the vessel that brough us there recognize me as it's new master. Nat-20 on the check. "This vessel welcomes it's new firey demonic Winter King." (Tiefling Mage :D) He saved us the trip home. I still might call him up again at some point.
Group discusses all kinds of questions we could ask the dragon, like "what are the Winter King's weaknesses?" and "How loyal are his underlings?". Then a very, very far-out idea entered my (the Bard's player's) head.
Bard: Bluff-check. How high DC?
DM: Excuse me? What are you trying to do?
Bard: I use "Words of Friendship" with Friendly Deception to increase my Bluff by 5. That brings it to 17 before rolling. How high DC.
DM: I still need to know what you're going to lie to it about.
Bard: It has been frozen solid for I don't know how many centuries. It has no clue about the outside world.
DM: Just say it please.
Bard: *rolls Natural 20* (In Draconic) "Thrymzen, I am the daughter of your old master, the Winter King. You have been frozen in ice for decades, and the world has changed. The Winter King's age is no more, for he has passed away, and now an imposter is trying to impersonate you old master, the Winter King. As part of your contract with my late father, it is now your duty to avenge his death alongside me. Will you lend me your might, O, great Thrymzen?"
DM: *blinks the eyes twice* The Dragon bows down in front of you, and lets you climb up on top of its back.
Monk: Uh, what happened to the combat encounter with a dragon?
Bard: The mighty Thrymzen has sworn his eternal loyalty to me.
Swordmage: But I wanted to kill a dragon!
Bard: And I've always wanted to ride one. Guess who got their way this time? Now lets go and reclaim the throne that is unrightfully mine!
Yes, the DM let us by-pass an entire combat encounter with a Dragon, because I got a Natural 20 on my Bluff Check, to make the dragon believe that I was it's rightful master.
I almost fell out of my chair.
Scenario 2:
DM: Ok, you failed that spot check. The bounty hunter looks over and spots you, naked and with another man rubbing limburger cheese all over you.
*Funny thing is, that wasn't a natural 1. That was the PC's actual haibrained scheme to avoid detection.
While fighting a group of goblins in a dungeon, our Dwarf was knocked unconscious and carried off around a corner. By the time we finished off the remaining goblins, he was gone. Turning the corner we saw a pit with a ladder, and, after making sure it was safe, all climbed down. At the bottom there was a hole in the wall just big enough for a goblin to squeeze through. On the ground in front of this hole was all of the Dwarf's gear. Since this was the only direction the goblins could have gone, we all began to wonder how they had fit the Dwarf into the hole. After some discussion, we decided that they had used Goblin butter (don't ask me what that is, no one knows) to grease him up and shove him into the next room.
Our Air Genasi, without thinking, called out "I propel myself through the buttery hole," and dove in head first.
Our Gnome Witch (female player/character) wants to get a new dress. The Dwarves seem to be a bit lecherous, and ask her to strip down for measurements. She obliges.
I think about getting a string of garlic cloves to wear as a necklace, so I head to the local grocer. There, the Dwarf has a small spider monkey as a pet, who helps him get things off the high shelf. (which our DM role played alot to our amusement.) The rest of the party shows up, wanting to RP with this amusing monkey who our DM was RPing as having a very high, screeching monkey sounds. (hooo, hoo. HAAH!! that kinda stuff)
Well our Cleric, who is new to D&D/Pathfinder, has gotten used to using the "Talk with Animals" spell from previous encounters. He asks the Dwarf to buy some cookies for the monkey, who hesitates. The monkey "yells" at the Dwarf, (high pitched monkey sounds) and turns to look at the Cleric to talk in common and says...
*deep Barry White type voice. "Ah yea. Here ya go"
The entire table cracks up.
After we stop laughing, the Gnome Witch chimes in, and now keep in mind, where left the clothing store a while ago.
*Oops, I should get dressed!
hilarity ensued again.
"I need to use you as a battering ram."
"He has vulnerability 5 barrel. He dies."
I was running a skill challenge for my friends where They had to break out of a jail cart so they wouldn't be in said jail. Well what was supposed to be easy ended up so that the guard had the air knocked out of him one of them was incased in ice the other on fire and the floor was also on fire. And they somehow managed to not escape at all and the guards driving didn't notice this at all. I hate my players roles.
I don't want to live on this planet anymore.
"You make a zombie Megazord out of the corpses of your greatest foes!"
An ally of the party had been captured by thier main enemy, a local politician, and had been turned over to some of her former associates, a particularly nasty and brutish band. When the party finally caught up to them in thier lair, they discovered to thier disgust and shock that the half fiend in the enemy group had tortured thier friend, a fellow named Dwight who was the son of a prominent general, by chopping off a finger each day and consuming it. When they came upon poor Dwight, shivering and wounded in a tiny cell, the party barbarian attempted to comfort him. Agatha (barbarian): At least they left your sword hand alone. Dwight: Th-that was... my.... my sword hand... Agatha: That's alright. You were a pretty awful warrior to begin with. Dwight: My father... he'll be so dissapointed... Agatha: From what we heard he disowned you. Actually, I have a letter here with me. *Agatha pulls out a letter she found earlier, from Dwight's father to the BBEG Agatha: Yeah. He said he refused to pay your ransom. Something about how you'd die sooner or later anyway. Dwight: ....sob.... Agatha: Er, you okay buddy? Something I said? On another occasion, a player decided to try something er, new and unusual. This brought out the dark side of the party fighter. Malko (new character): Greetings! I am Malko! I have heard much of your great deeds and wish to join you! Thornix (party fighter): Hello, Malko. Hod (rogue): We're flattered by your compliments. So, what could you bring to our merry band? Malko: I'm glad you asked. As you can see by my fullplate, I'm well equipped for battle. Yet, within seconds I can remove this harness and cast all of my spells! In fact, with a small chance of failure I can even demonstrate my magical powers WITH the armor ON! Thornix' player: ... Hod's player: .... you did know this campaign took place in the DESERT, right? Malko's player: Yeah, but you know. Who cares. It's not like we'll be in the hot part too much. Thornix's player: DM? Would it be an evil act to kill this guy? Someone's bound to soon, that is unless he blunders off into the desert alone in his FULL PLATE. As it happened, after a few sessions Malko blundered off alone into the desert to solo some orcs. As it happened, an orc soloed him. Exit Malko. Incidentally, the player's replacement PC, a wizard named Pancho, became an enduring and beloved comic relief character of the campaign. Go figure. Mayor's Butler (bruised and battered): Hello? Oh! Y-y-you! Pancho (abashed): I want to apologize. For, you know. Punching you the other day. Mayor's Butler: Th-th-think nothing of it, s-s-s-s-sir. Pancho: I'm glad you understand. I baked you this cake. Actually, I bought it. But let's pretend, between you and me, that I baked it. Mayor's Butler: ...th-thanks. Adventurer's League Secretary: All registering groups must submit an official name for thier party/band/troupe or other affiliated unit. Agatha: Hrmm... Thornix: This might take awhile. We want a great name for ourselves. Dwight: Something with 'blood' in it? Or 'sword'? Or 'razor'? How about the 'razor blood swords'? Pancho: I like... 'Pancho's Kaboomers'!! Agatha: NO! Thornix: NO!! Secretary: Pancho's Kaboomers it is. Pancho: Father! Priest! You there! Priest: Greetings, my son. May the gods smile on you today. Pancho: My friend has been affected with a horrible curse. Remove it! Priest: Hmm. This looks to be beyond my abilities. Pancho: What do you mean? Just cast Remove Curse, or Heal. Or something. Priest: Why, those spells are only granted to the mightiest of clerics. I am but a humble acolyte. Pancho: You can't cast a simple 6th level spell? Are you kidding me? Priest: 'Sixth level'...? I... I misunderstand, I think. Pancho: Come on. Can you even make undead? Priest: Make undead?! Why, I never--! Pancho: Come on. Cure me. Cure my HP big shot. Show me your spells, pal. Come on. *Priest casts Cure Minor Wounds. Pancho: 1 HP. Cure Minor Wounds. I punch the priest. DM: You punch the priest!? Pancho: Yeah. I got a 15, plus... alright. Do I hit him? DM: Uh. Yes. Pancho: Ok. 5 damage. DM: 5 damage. You slam your fist into the PRIEST OF HUMILITY AND PEACE'S face, cracking his nose and causing a huge black welt over his eye. He crumples onto a nearby pew with a choked groan. Pancho: Oops. I throw 50 gp on him, to show no hard feelings. DM: Alright. As you pelt the unconscious priest with your chunks of metal, you hear the stifled sobs of orphans and farmer's wives from the doorstep. Pancho: Hrmn. I'm not Chaotic Good anymore, am I...? DM: No. No you're not.
LOL
My personal favorite occured just about 9 years ago in a game with my brother (the Fighter) and my best friend (the Wizard, who at that time had Int 18). They had just recieved a letter from a mysterious benefactor, telling them about a dungeon just outside of town: DM (me): A messenger arrives at your inn with a letter from your mysterious benefactor. Fighter: Alright, I take the letter and tip the messenger. I open it and start to read. I read the contents of the letter out loud (which detail the dungeon's entrances and exits, some of the creatures within, etc), and when I finish, the wizard responds with this: Wizard (apparently speaking to the letter): What else can you tell us about the creatures within the dungeon? How many are there? What types? Do they have reinforcements? Do they have shift changes, and if so, when do they change? DM:
ROFL
We arrive at a Shrine of Melora to find that an elven woman is being held hostage by roughly 6 Orcs intent on slaying her and using the pool located there for their own nefarious deeds.
While the other 3 all take on the main force, I zoom around the back, to where 1 captive is holding the Elf hostage.
Summon Giant Toad
Toad: "Ribbit!!"
He then proceeds to, three times, manage to get a hold of the Orc and keep him from attacking me while while I free the Elf.
On the third time he got pulled he said "Why does this keep happening!?!?"
next round, I give the Elf My spare dagger, she runs up and promptly kills him, and as he's dying he says "At least . . It wasn't . . By a Toad"
The Toad is now named Tibbir.
(he was trying to figure out how he was going to sink a rowboat. he decided on lightning bolt. the boat was killed & the NPCs were left to their own devices. those jerks.)
Me: "Yes."
DM: "While holding your spellbook?"
Me: "Yes."
DM: "Wouldn't that destroy it? Is it water resistant?"
Me: "I've been beating people to death with it all day, I'd assume it's liquid-proofed."
This one was more epic on my friends part. At the time the party consisted of a orc cleric of Grumsh, a gnome sorcerer, a furry assasin (can't remember actually race name, but discription made it sound like a fox furry), a human paladin, a halfling rouge, a human cleric of Pelor, and me, a dwarf fighter. We were all tenth level.
DM: You see 8 chimera skeletons coming towards you in a straight line.
Cleric (Grumsh): There skeletons! They must be bludgeoned to death. *note, rounds hadn't actually started yet*
Me: I drop my axes (which I dual-weilded) and reach into my back of holding. I pull out my war hammar, the head of which crackles with electricity (I had kept this weapon concealed until this point). I swing at the first ones head. *rolled a natural 20 and roll max damage*
DM: That one looks pretty messed up.
Sorcerer: I cast Explosive Cascade, with the point of origin being directly infront of the dwarf. *rolls just short of max damage*
DM: All but the last on is dead, and that one is in pretty bad shape.
Cleric (Grumsh): I cast Cure Light Wounds?
DM: It dies.
This one happened in another campaigne, with a lot of the same players. I can't remember what everyone was. I was a leonal cleric of Obad-hai. The person that played the sorc in the above campaign was playing a shadow dancer. Also, that player had a character die a few weeks before after being attacks by multiple shocker lizards. Another friend was playing a warforged wizard. We were between 14th and 16th level
DM: You all all awoken in the middle of the night from being electricuted.
*we all run out of the large tent we were in*
DM: The tent is then vaporized. Everyone with low-light and dark vision see about 20 shocker lizards
Shadow Dancer (OOC): My character runs as fast as he can away from the demon lizards!!!
DM: Will save to not piss yourself.
Shadow Dancer (OOC): nat 1
DM: You poop and piss you pants
Me: I caste Flame Strike. *starts rolling damage. After the first three of the fifteen d6s...*
DM: Stop. You completely dissintigrate the lizards.
Wizard : How much gold do we all have?
Me: *looks over everyones character sheets and does some quick math* About 350,000 GP a piece.
Wizard: You realize a nice inn cost 2gp per person per night. We're literally ten minutes from town. Why didn't we just stay their in the first place.
Me: Just cast Rope Trick so we can all climb inside and go back to sleep.
Luckily, the DM forgot the bags of holding and the like aren't supposed to be taken inside the Rope Trick.
My character was a human shaman from a distant tribe with the gift of premonition. Inspired to leave the tribe by a premonition he marches into an inn in a city where our campaign is set to start and our party meets for the first time. There's a stormsoul genasi, an avenger of Raven Queen and a warforged (the other players) sitting in a corner table of the inn. My untidy character walks up to them and says "I have seen you all in a dream" only to get the warforged's monotonous response: "What is a dream?"
Once again the delivery was perfect, with no hesitation.
we got assaulted on a bridge by a bunch of creatures riding on big spiders. I as a wizard went before the enemy and blasted them with icestorm imobalizing all but 2 killing two minions and slowing the two riding minions that i missed. while the rest of the party except the healer moved up all the way the dm decided to add more and surround me. after getting a 20 on the die for a hit i used wizards escape to run away from the horde leaving the healer surrounded by herself. well once it got to my turn i used color spray which hit and dazed everyone except the healer and the one minion who was mixed in with the fighters. after the healer escaped on her next turn i got to my turn used levitate as the dm cursed the fact that not a single creature of his had any ranged ability so i stood up in the air unreachable picking off the creatures one by one.
We eventually figure out that drinking from the floor pool would coat us in silver that would protect us from a similar fate if we passed through the barrier. So now we have space suits, but are faced with figuring out how to propel ourselves through space. One player suggests: "An everburning torch. The photons emitted from it will propel us." Response: "That's too little mass, we need something faster." Enter the ranger: "Monkeys! Chuck a monkey and be propelled in the opposite direction. One monkey per hour!"
Now how do we breathe?
Edit: The actual solution:
We decided that since Eagle Flight summons eagle spirits, they fly magically and are thus motile (and able to live) in a vacuum. To breathe we put our heads in glass vessels filled with water and cast water Breathing on Ourselves. We had to bring lots of extra water to change out as we consumed the oxygen in the water.
We run into our first baby Dragon and the Fighter crits killing the baby Dragon.
We run into another baby Dragon and the Fighter crits killing that baby Dragon.
Soon enough a third baby Dragon dead in a single blow.
At that point he had started calling himself a Dragon slayer and we had no problem with that. After all three Dragons dead in one blow, yeah he slays Dragons real good.
We run into our third Dragon and the fighter, overzealous with confidence, says "I'll handle that Dragon".
To bad it was the mama Dragon.
"I have an anvil"
DM: "... What??? Why do you have an anvil! Let me see your character sheet!"
...
"Holy hell. He has an anvil."
"We need something heavy to weigh down this lever! Someone find something heavy!"
"I have an anvil"
DM: "... What??? Why do you have an anvil! Let me see your character sheet!"
...
"Holy hell. He has an anvil."
And how did he carry it around? I mean, I had a character with an anvil too, but he was a primal-themed swordmage, who communed with heart spirits, and his anvil was his familiar. It grew legs and was basically an anvil-dog. Sort of like the footstool-dog from Beauty and the Beast. Unless said character had a really high strength score or a walking anvil, I don't see it happening. Still hilarious though.
"We need something heavy to weigh down this lever! Someone find something heavy!"
"I have an anvil"
DM: "... What??? Why do you have an anvil! Let me see your character sheet!"
...
"Holy hell. He has an anvil."
And how did he carry it around? I mean, I had a character with an anvil too, but he was a primal-themed swordmage, who communed with heart spirits, and his anvil was his familiar. It grew legs and was basically an anvil-dog. Sort of like the footstool-dog from Beauty and the Beast. Unless said character had a really high strength score or a walking anvil, I don't see it happening. Still hilarious though.
He was a Dwarf, duh no restrictions due to weight..
at some point i took a short rest andf as per house rule i was not involved in what went down as my team mates went ahead.
they had broken down a door to find a room full of about 12 Kobolds. the Dragonborn Cleric of Tiamat, using logic that Kobolds Worship Dragons and that he is the next best thing, rolls a nat 20 and convinces them with charisma check that he was a PROPHET of TIAMAT! so in short he now has a cult of loyal Kobold minions. so in charachter what i see is the Cleric walking out from around the corner followed by a neat line of Kobolds, startled by this i my way to the front and beat them to a room with a shobby alter. the cult settles itself into a group with me in the far back in the far corner from the alter. the Cleric then begins a lecture on how to properly dispose of adventurers. i look at the situation, roll for a stealth check and get the hell out of there! so its just me and the wizard now, and not long after i find myself going one on four with 2 dire rats and a few Dragonfly things, i barly beat them but im inconsious and dying. the cleric finds me with a Kobold underling.
Me: wait, youre a cleric! you can heal me right?
Cleric:of course i can!
He stabalizes me, pickes me up and brings me to the alter room, he has his cult there and says prayers of thanksgiving in character, and sacrifices me. the whole incident weas fairly climactic and it was pretty funny the first time, but over the course of that campaign i died 7 times, 5 of those deaths where by sacrifice.
*SIGH* And some actual good lines were finally started to get posted.
Yeah, sorry if I killed the thread -.-'
If it was about the first example being vulgar (I suppose it was a tad), it was because my character had DRANK holy water, not to mention our DM was tearing us apart with creatures leagues ahead of us with high AC and DR, along with a lich that was spellcasting from a location we couldn't figure out, my character was going to take any advantage he could get.
I dont know, i thiught it was humerous, sounds like the kind of thing a player from my group would do, mind you they are about 11 and 12 year olds....
And how did he carry it around?
Level 26 Str/Con Fighter. He was fine. (Also, anvils varry in size, so it was probably supposed to be a smallish semi-portable one)
Still, the mental image of a Heavy Plate fighter with a giant anime-scale anvil chained to his back stuck with us the rest of the night.
And how did he carry it around?
Level 26 Str/Con Fighter. He was fine. (Also, anvils varry in size, so it was probably supposed to be a smallish semi-portable one)
Still, the mental image of a Heavy Plate fighter with a giant anime-scale anvil chained to his back stuck with us the rest of the night.
Yup, that'd do it. I couldn't picture an anvil strapped to his back, so I was thinking an adventurer carrying an anvil around all adventure. Just imagine when the kobolds attack. "Excuse me, let me just put this anvil down so I can kill you."
Our first combat encounter came while we were camped for the night in a forest clearing. We had set up shifts to stand watch, and myself and a monk were awake and guarding when a magical big cat-like animal (I forget its name) showed up at the edge of our camp.
I spotted it. It spotted me. It rolled higher initiative and hit me with magic fear. I failed my saving throw, and the rest of the party was awakened to the sound of the big, dumb, blood thirsty barbarian shrieking like a little girl, and accidentally trampling some of them in my panic to run away as quickly as possible.
And just to come full circle, the fear only lasted 2 rounds, so my barbarian doubled back, hoping to get in on the fight before my companions finished off the creature. I got close enough to participate just in time for my barbarian to get the final shot to kill the thing... with my sling. I was just using that temporarily to back up the rest of the team until I could get close enough for melee.
Fighter: "I'll ride the wizard!"
Me (OOC): What did you just say?
Fighter: I ment to say, "I'll mount the Tiefling."
When the DM is able to speak again, "The Dragonborn Fighter mounts his horse and the Tiefling Wizard is handed up to him.
I was greatful when they got to somewhere to get her healed. I will never let my husband live down what he said.
Small family group, we had just made it to level 5. There is a Dragonborn Fighter (my husband), an Elf Ranger, an Eladrin Warlord, and a Tiefling Wizard (me). We had just finished fighting a group of a dire rats. My wizard had been bitten by one of them, and failed several saving throws in a row; I think it was something like 4 1's in a row. We have a house rule of critical fails/success. So the Dm determined that not only did my wizard contracts filth fever but that it kept progressing to the point that it knocked her out. So when the party discovers this, they make a mad dash to get her to someone who can heal her. The first problem they encounter is; while she is out cold, she can not ride her horse. So the fighter (who is still learning how to ride) in his attempt to help says the following:
Fighter: "I'll ride the wizard!"
Me (OOC): What did you just say?
Fighter: I ment to say, "I'll mount the Tiefling."
When the DM is able to speak again, "The Dragonborn Fighter mounts his horse and the Tiefling Wizard is handed up to him.
I was greatful when they got to somewhere to get her healed. I will never let my husband live down what he said.
At least it was your husband saying that, and not one of the other players.
Wizard: (talking about cloaked figure) we must stop that evil man.
Dwarf: How do we know he's evil?
Wizard: He just stabbed that old man.
Dwarf: So what, I stab old men all the time.
Wizard: ?
Dwarf: What is a skeleton but an old old man?
Everyone: (profound silence).
Elf: Say, I don't like how you're keeping your friends in this mansion. Could I persuade you to let them go?
Necromancer: Oh, that's an excellent idea. (Gathers all the zombies that are still walking and opens the front door)
Elf: What are you doing? (Slightly panicked/horrified)
Necromancer: I'm setting them free. That's what you wanted, right?
Elf: No, I meant releasing them into the afterlife.
Paranoid Monk: I cautiously poke the scarecrow with my quarterstaff.
DM: It pokes back. Roll initiative.
Also in the same adventure, we were asking questions of some villagers about an NPC who had gone missing.
Ranger with low charisma: "You didn't kill him, did ya? Just kidding!"
Ironically, we later found out that the guy we were questioning really did kill the NPC we were looking for.
Also in the same adventure, we were asking questions of some villagers about an NPC who had gone missing.
Ranger with low charisma: "You didn't kill him, did ya? Just kidding!"
Ironically, we later found out that the guy we were questioning really did kill the NPC we were looking for.
That sounds like a DM rewrite to incorporate a player idea that was even more twisted than what the DM had previously come up with.
(Good DM, keep him.)
Also in the same adventure, we were asking questions of some villagers about an NPC who had gone missing.
Ranger with low charisma: "You didn't kill him, did ya? Just kidding!"
Ironically, we later found out that the guy we were questioning really did kill the NPC we were looking for.
That sounds like a DM rewrite to incorporate a player idea that was even more twisted than what the DM had previously come up with.
(Good DM, keep him.)
Nope, it was part of a pre-published adventure. There was a reason that the group was already suspicious of that NPC, but the ranger was just being weird in saying that.
DM: Garrett, what is the first word that comes to your head?
Garrett(fighter): Balogna.
DM: Shamus( the noble) shouts "BALOGNA!" and three magic missiles fly out of the spear and do... 14 damage.
Eventually we won and now the fighter has the spear. He uses it to its full effect, yelling "BALOGNA" every encounter...
So upon entering the room with the rod, the Halfling rouge says: "I search the room for anything odd or out of the ordanary."
Dragonborn: "There is a solid gold rod with a red dragon head, floating in mid air, and you don't find this odd?"
After discovering the pit trap, below the rod, the group starts trying to figure out how to get the rod. No one even thinks about trying to disable the trap. The halfling ties a piece of rop around himself, then walks up to the dragonborn and says: "I want you to take this rop and throw me at it." So out of chacater the dragonborn says "sure I'll pick you up and throw you at the rop."
My teifling wizard is standing there trying to tell the group that she has levitate prepared, but they are set on throwing the halfling at the rod. In the end we got the rod, by throwing the halfling at it. I'm pretty sure the only reason the DM allowed it, was because it was to funny not to allow it.
"My entire body is a masterwork weapon!" (complete with gesture along his body)
...and then realized what he had said. (said player is a middle aged, balding, chubby guy which rather enhanced that particular remark.) after everyone recovered from laughing, the dm allowed it, though i'm not sure if it was due to the follow up defense that anything created by the gods (mortals) was a masterwork item, or the really good laugh.
It was the second time I was GMing Shadow Run, my small group got into a fight in the Stuffer Shack (the Quick-E-Mart of of Seattle in 2055) with some local gangers that wanted to rob the place. After killing most of them the gang leader grabbed the cashier as a hostage. My NPC, who was along for backup, take a shot at him with a very large revolver. I would have hit if he hadn't had the poor luckless girl in the way, after a brief pause I look at the three other players,
OOC: >_< "Uh....anyone know the barrier rating of a human body?"
(A barrier ratting is how much power is taken off a projectile when it passes through an object, usually a wall or door, to see if it hits the guy on the other side.)
Stunned looks and laughter followed, we never did work that one out.
"It's the first time you see something completely invisible!"
Think about it...It's amazing!!!
More of a situation than a line, and absolutely my (I DM) fault.
My PCs are searching a city building by building for an ancient artifact.
I'm busy setting up an encounter for the "Trade District", and for some reason as I was absent-mindedly drawing out the map and opening my monster stat-blocks I think I said, "Well hopefully this goes quickly and you can get out of here."
Of course, one of my PCs picks up on this, and metagaming, makes an assumption that the artifact is not here, since I had made the encounter sound unimportant.
He quickly turns and tells the other PCs OOG, "Wait. Before we go any further, did anybody hear what he said?"
I'm kinda fumbling with my initiative tokens, realising I goofed, and then the PCs all start laughing, heartily.
At that point I just gave in. It was clear they knew the artifact wasn't in the Trade District, and we all shared in a strange image of the entire party marching into the trade district, and then, without any particular reason to, turning around and leaving without searching a single building.
My PCs are searching a city building by building for an ancient artifact.
I'm busy setting up an encounter for the "Trade District", and for some reason as I was absent-mindedly drawing out the map and opening my monster stat-blocks I think I said, "Well hopefully this goes quickly and you can get out of here."
Of course, one of my PCs picks up on this, and metagaming, makes an assumption that the artifact is not here, since I had made the encounter sound unimportant.
He quickly turns and tells the other PCs OOG, "Wait. Before we go any further, did anybody hear what he said?"
I'm kinda fumbling with my initiative tokens, realising I goofed, and then the PCs all start laughing, heartily.
At that point I just gave in. It was clear they knew the artifact wasn't in the Trade District, and we all shared in a strange image of the entire party marching into the trade district, and then, without any particular reason to, turning around and leaving without searching a single building.
We had a game where the DMs sent us naked guys with green hair ( "LEMMINGS" ) which were spawning in a room from a magical portal! We closed the door of this room so they wouldn't get in our way...But they continued spawning until there is 200! Too many lemmings in the room, the door burst open and since these lemming had ¼HP each, they all died from the shock!!!
Then...
Rogue : I'll search to find something...
DM : They're all naked...
Rogue : AH! I don't search!
The players didn't trust him, so they decided they would wait to betray him if they ever got the opportunity, and agreed that they would enact the betrayal if anyone were to say their codeword, "Flepsolen".
So the noble's plan comes together, and he informs the party they are to meet with a group that's going to seize the gates from the city's guards. The party approaches the noble's soldiers, and they explain that they're waiting for the right moment to attack.
Immediately, the party's chaotic good wizard steps forward and throws a fireball at the soldiers.
After a moment of everyone else in the party just staring at him, he sheepishly says "Flepsolen."
A couple seconds pass before anyone else in the party speaks.
Finally, the Rogue says "He's not with us.
The wizard did manage to escape that situation alive, only to show up again a few hours later intent on murdering the party, whereupon he was slain by his former allies. It was the motivation the party needed to fully commit to the noble's plans, though, and they ended up serving him 'til the very end.
While staying in town, a voodoo curse causes the dead bodies to rise as zombies, and any living creature that dies in the city rises as a zombie 2 rounds later. We were holding out on the roof of the general store. When zombies tried breaking down the door, this little exchange occured:
Pal:They're breaking down the door.
Me: Well, time to get the anvil. (I pull an anvil out of my bag of holding)
Pal: Wait, you have an anvil?
Me: What, you don't have an anvil? (throws anvil off roof, crushing a zombie)
Later, while searching the voodoo shaman's (actually the Baron) mansion, I again confuse him.
Pal: Why do you carry a human skull in your bag?
Me: Why wouldn't I carry a human skull in my bag? I'm certainly not gonna carry it by hand.
When we find a chest, I happily break it open, dramatically announcing my findings.
Me: Ha HA! I found treasure! 10 gold coins!
Pal: That's not treasure. That's pocket change.
During the final fight, the Baron shaman summons some shadow minions, who turn out to be weak against "light magic". I toss an everburning torch at them, arguing that it's light created by magic, hence "light magic". The DM grudgingly accepts it, and the minions are slain. The Baron then appears and disenchants the torch.
Pal: Do you have any more everburning torches?
Me: Who has more than one everburning torch?
Let me set the scene, my group played with a Deck of Many things and then proceded to jump through a portal to parts unknown. Whilist enjoying the pleasentries of the deck, the Fighter ended up paralyzed somehow. This is the dialogue that ensued between me, the DM, and the ranger of the party:
Ranger to Dm: "So he's paralyzed?"
DM: "Yeah?"
Ranger: "...and he's on his stomach?"
DM: "...Yeah?"
Ranger: "I flip him over and commence to tea-baggin." XD
DM : You are in a forest until you see a clearing with a Gazebo in the middle.
PC1 : I shoot an arrow at the Gazebo! *Grabs dice*
DM : Don't roll, you hit it!
PC1 : What does it do?
DM : Nothing...
PC1 : I shoot another arrow...
DM : You hit it!
( Seeing the PC1 attacking, PC2 enters "the battle" )
PC2 : I charge the Gazebo with my axe!
DM : OK...It is destroyed! Do you know what a gazebo is?
PC1 and PC2 : No...
My cousin shared this story to me, it's one of his long lost game, back in AD&D, 2nd edition!
DM : You are in a forest until you see a clearing with a Gazebo in the middle.
PC1 : I shoot an arrow at the Gazebo! *Grabs dice*
DM : Don't roll, you hit it!
PC1 : What does it do?
DM : Nothing...
PC1 : I shoot another arrow...
DM : You hit it!
( Seeing the PC1 attacking, PC2 enters "the battle" )
PC2 : I charge the Gazebo with my axe!
DM : OK...It is destroyed! Do you know what a gazebo is?
PC1 and PC2 : No...
Yeah your cousin lied to you.
My cousin shared this story to me, it's one of his long lost game, back in AD&D, 2nd edition!
DM : You are in a forest until you see a clearing with a Gazebo in the middle.
PC1 : I shoot an arrow at the Gazebo! *Grabs dice*
DM : Don't roll, you hit it!
PC1 : What does it do?
DM : Nothing...
PC1 : I shoot another arrow...
DM : You hit it!
( Seeing the PC1 attacking, PC2 enters "the battle" )
PC2 : I charge the Gazebo with my axe!
DM : OK...It is destroyed! Do you know what a gazebo is?
PC1 and PC2 : No...
Yeah your cousin lied to you.
Why would he?
My cousin shared this story to me, it's one of his long lost game, back in AD&D, 2nd edition!
DM : You are in a forest until you see a clearing with a Gazebo in the middle.
PC1 : I shoot an arrow at the Gazebo! *Grabs dice*
DM : Don't roll, you hit it!
PC1 : What does it do?
DM : Nothing...
PC1 : I shoot another arrow...
DM : You hit it!
( Seeing the PC1 attacking, PC2 enters "the battle" )
PC2 : I charge the Gazebo with my axe!
DM : OK...It is destroyed! Do you know what a gazebo is?
PC1 and PC2 : No...
Yeah your cousin lied to you.
Why would he?
I don't know.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_and_the_Gazeb...
My cousin shared this story to me, it's one of his long lost game, back in AD&D, 2nd edition!
DM : You are in a forest until you see a clearing with a Gazebo in the middle.
PC1 : I shoot an arrow at the Gazebo! *Grabs dice*
DM : Don't roll, you hit it!
PC1 : What does it do?
DM : Nothing...
PC1 : I shoot another arrow...
DM : You hit it!
( Seeing the PC1 attacking, PC2 enters "the battle" )
PC2 : I charge the Gazebo with my axe!
DM : OK...It is destroyed! Do you know what a gazebo is?
PC1 and PC2 : No...
Yeah your cousin lied to you.
Why would he?
I don't know.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eric_and_the_Gazeb...
Yes you do.
Well, "thank you". I just now wonder where he read it because it was way back before Internet.
Before internet became practically commonplace, perhaps. But there were bulletin-board programs, and networks of bulletin-boards, and stories got passed around.
It's a good story and deserves to be resurrected from time to time.
Quick line, out of context:
"Ah, swords. Nature's knives."
Well, "thank you". I just now wonder where he read it because it was way back before Internet.
Also to note that the original story was published in several magazines well before the internet was common.
ETA: A link with a more complete history of the story: www.theschoolforheroes.com/questlog/692/...
(I mainly ask this because I wasn't even aware the story had a wiki page on it, or even a webpage telling perhaps the whole story behind the incident)
Joe: Sorry I'm late, what kind of character can I make?
Mike: We have an elf wizard, a human warrior - oh, and Bob here is a Thri-Kreen.
Joe: You're joking! Sweet, can I be a dragon?
DM: Well.. uh, I guess...
All of us: NO, YOU CAN'T!
...
later on...
DM: Bob's Thri-Kreen impresses you all by jumping 40 feet into the air.
Joe: My character is not impressed.
DM: Yes he is.
Joe: No he's not. Bob's an insect.
DM: Sorry, your character is impressed!
Joe: Oh come on - don't I at least get a save?
That was 20 years ago and to this day anytime a DM tells one of us how our character feels, we ask for a saving throw...
You enter a large chamber with columns. At the end of the chamber is a large wooden door and you see that it is reinforced with invisible steel.
Players:
How can we see that? Isn't the steel invisible.
Major bummer
Akra (Dragonborn Sorcerer)
Nathaniel (Human Rogue... 7 Constitution...Doing a lot of DPR! )
Akra : Nath, you shouldwatch yourself in melee! You're made out of paper!
Nathaniel : Yes, but my paper cuts!
“He DID marry a giant robot spider…!”
Wizard: The bridge is an illusion. Don't use it.
Rogue: *walks out of the bathroom* Alright, I want to sprint across the bridge.
Wizard: Hold...
Rogue: Dude, wait your turn. Sprint.
We were on the second floor of the castle and we came out into a balcony overlooking a theater I believe.
There was the source of the music we heard, a vampire playing a giant church organ.
The DM said as follows.
"You walk into the room to see it is a large theater. You are in balcony seating and on the stage you see Straad in a black cape playing with his massive organ.."
Needless to say that's the last thing you should say around a group of teen geeks.
We couldn't stop laughing and it ended with the DM storming out of the house because we wouldn't straighten up about it.
I was playing a mutated animal, a mutated gorilla to be exact, named Dirty Hairy.
He carried a Camaro Hood as a shield and a parking meter for a club.
He had two heads as a rolled mutation, each with a mental power. One had Telekenitc Flight, the other I cannot even remember to this day.
We were in a battle with some hoops and Dirty Harry was struck with a needler and failed his save. He went down paralyzed.
My team was getting whipped and I was still down and out.
Then it struck me,
Dirty Hairy: I asked the GM am I unconscious?
GM: No, you are just paralyzed, you can see everything that is going on.
Dirty Hairy: Great, then I use TK flight to pull myself off the ground, and attack the enemies.
GM: With what? You cannot swing a weapon or even aim one.
Dirty Hairy: I am going to fling my limp body around as a battering ram and smack it into the Hoops.
GM: You would take some damage also.
Dirty Hairy: I understand...
So the Hoops were assaulted by a paralyzed 7 foot Gorilla being flung by TK Flight like a hairy, fleshy battering ram.
Needless to say it tipped the tides of the battle and we won, barely.
:
Another adventure we had a player who had a humanoid that had the Gamma Eye, a mutation that resulted in him having a single giant black eye on his forehead, and causing those who failed saves to fall asleep more or less.
Well we went where we shouldn't of and the GM slapped one of those giant monitor lizards in our path. I cannot remember the name of it, but basically Gamma World's equiavlent of a dragon.
We basically wet ourselves and then prepared for what was going to be our final battle.
Well the Humanoid with the Gamma Eye got initiative, so he gave it a try and fired it off at the creature.
Well luck was with us that day, the Dragon like creature failed it's save miserably, and went down for a nap.
Another player walked up to the creature with his MK7 Blaster Rifle, and basically drilled a hole through it's skull.
The GM was just shocked the battle went down that way.
"You walk into the room to see it is a large theater. You are in balcony seating and on the stage you see Straad in a black cape playing with his massive organ.."
Hey, I'm over 20 and I still found that funny.
Not always funny, but extra funny when it comes out of the blue like that.
In a related note, last week we somehow ended up arguing the semantics of "phallic" and "phali" when the DM left the room.
As in a giant... member.. is not phallic, because it actually is a phali.
DM walks in the room just as we reached this conclusion and was like "wat"
The look of bewilderment on his face was priceless.
Right, anyway. Now for something completley different!
The Monk just got done punching a bunch of enemies for 20+ damage at level 2.
He did the "awesome dance" and started giving other players the Bro Fist.
Player: "I'll just stick to high fives, thanks"
My avenger was interrogating a prisoner, and the DM asked for an intimidate check.
I argued that, in character, I wasn't actually trying to intimidate him, but no such luck.
Prisoner: "I'm not telling you anything. You don't scare me"
Me: "We'll see about that... What's your name?"
Prisoner: "Like I'd tell you anything."
Me: "Too bad, I was going to let you off with a warning" *mime picking up a battleaxe and start swinging*
Prisoner: "NO! I'LL TALK!"
Paladin:
That pretty much crushed any of the "divine class = goody two-shoes" thoughts everyone had! X_X
Last one.
The pixie player was introducing her character. We'd just met in-game.
"Wow, a pixie! Hi there, who are you?"
"HiImAppleblossomImAPixieNiceToMeetYouThanksForSavingMeThatGuyWasMeanI'llBeYourFirendEveryoneLikesPixiesAndImAPixie"
I'm still not quite sure what she said but it was something like that, and she said "Pixie" three times... the rest is an educated guess...
There was another player who was a mage and he kept bashing my illusionist in character, telling me I wasn't a real wizard, just a wannabe.
So I thought I would show him how amazing illusionist truly were.
These happened over several adventures over a course of a year.
They were all handled by myself passing a note to the DM everytime I wanted to do something to the mage, directly, or indirectly.
As he was trying to impress a crowd at the center of a town with his wizardly ways, I cast an illusion that he was peeing himself and on the front of his pants there was a growing wet stain. He couldn't figure why everyone was laughing at him.
While hitting on a female NPC, I made it look to the NPC like he had about a 2"...nub, protruding from his pants. And then at times, it would travel from side to side, and up and down. Needless to say he struck out with her.
When we were dealing with a Mayor of a city, I made the mayor view the mage as horribly cross-eyed. The Mayor would stare uncontrollably at him when talking with us.
I would even mess with him in battle and enrage our enemies further towardss him in one fashion or another making our targets see him doing things that would be an outrage to them.
And much of the time I would past notes to the DM that said nothing more than 'Pretend I wrote a question, and either nod or shake your head no at me'.
After awhile that mage player would attempt to disbelieve everything in his path and everyone in game saw him as this wierdo mage that would stare at things attempting to disbelieve or cautiously touching everything.
He eventually waved the white flag and a truce was called.
Never tell an illusionist he is a half baked mage.
Note: We had already succeeded on a History Check on everything leading up to these events.
I was playing a Chaotic Evil Bard. Don't ask how that works, it just does. I could get away with lying and deceiving everyone.
Blackguard: What should we do? We probably need that key around its neck.
Monk: Don't ask me.
Me: I'll leave the thinking to you guys. *Goes to get some more to drink and gets a wicked idea* I've got an idea.
Blackguard: Okay. Let's hear it.
Me: The Dragon has been frozen in place for... quite a few days. And logically, the world has changed since then. So it wouldn't know what's happened around it, right? Take me to the Dragon.
DM: Okay, you go up to the Dragon. As you approach it, the ice melts away.
Me: I make a Bluff-Check.
DM: You do what?
Me: *Rolls* Natural 20! Automatic success!
DM: Oh, great...
Me: "Oh, mighty Thrymzen, hear my words. You have been frozen in ice for years, and your master, the Winter King has passed away in the meantime. However, you need not despair, for I am the only living descendant of the Winter King, and I have come to reclaim my throne, upon which an imposter is now sitting. Will you please lend me your strength, and regain your honour, by fighting alongside me?"
DM: The Dragon is persuaded to join your cause... somehow.
Blackguard: Was anything you just said actually true?
Me: Only that it had been frozen for years, but who cares? Now let's go claim that which is unrightfully mine.
Yes, I bluffed a dragon.
After the adventure, in the tavern:
Me: "You want trouble? Perhaps you haven't heard of that time when I convinced a dragon to swear its undying loyalty to me..."
Thrymzen: *lets out a loud roar from the backyard*
Me: "Oh, my mount must be hungry..."
1. During an earlier session, we had to split up and kill 3 assassin's at the same time(if we hit one and the other two found out, they'd go into hiding and be impossible to get at), all 3 based on No More Heroes bosses.(I was in the group vs "The Black Star" based on Destroyman. We had a fantastic back and forth verbal fight in addition to the regular fight). So one of the assassins, Voltaire LeStraad(based on Henry) dropped a fullblade when killed. Only I could weild it, so I had it refitted with Frost capabilities. This was a +4 Fullblade, now dealt cold damage, had a Daily On-Hit power that could Daze, Weaken, Slide, Knock Prone, add Ongoing 10, etc. Instead of crit dice, I could either Stun them UEoNT, or take a No Action to use an At-Will attack power.
2. One of our ex-PCs was killed during an offscreen fight by an assassin weilding 2 laser blades. At his funeral, I swore a blood oath to find the man who killed him and destroy him.
Now then, this happened during today's game, after going to some ancient ruins to look for an ancient weapon said to have very great power. We split into two teams to cover more ground. The squad I was in ran into what we saw was a very skilled assassin...with two laser blades. He eyes me and mentions the sword I ahve used to be his. The assassin was.....a resurrected Voltaire LeStraad. LeStraad wanted his sword back, I wanted to kill him for my blood oath. So the DM ruled our weapon rolls deal an extra d8 to each other. I go first, but not in range to egt anyone. SO I mvoed close and waited. LeStraad ran up to me and missed badly.
Everyone else goes, LeStraad takes one hit. I attack him with Vengeance Strike. Natural 20!. Hit him for about ~60 damage and stun him. More turns pass by, no one else gets LeStraad. My move again, LeStraad has a little over 200 HP right now. I decide to throw a daily out, Blood of the Mighty. Natural 20!. LeStraad takes serious damage, I Lifeblood for an attack bonus. We have a laugh, I action point and Vengeance Strike. Natural 20!. Heavy damage once more. But remmeber the weapon's crit bonus. I choose to use both my crits for At-Wills, both Vengeance Srtike(I was a Fury Blackguard and Ferocious Strike kinda stucks). Sadly, these don't crit, but the damage rolls work well.
Needless to say, during that one nova round with 2 crits(1 daily crit) and 2 regular attacks, I knock him from over 200 to -52. Me and the group joked that the dice REALLY wanted me to fulfill my blood oath. I ground the guy into a paste, then stole his swords. Later I got another crit, went over the top on the flavor for the finishing mvoe and basically impaled the guy with all 4 swords and punched the crap out of him.
So yeah, that's one d20 I will never get rid of.
Me (DM)- Okay, cool. What is your crusade?
Player- To exterminate the koala menace.
Me-...... *facepalm*
-Later-
Me-The scholar explains his predicament, and asks for your help.
Crusader- *picks up scholar by collar* WHERE IS ZE KOALA SANCTUARY?!?
Especially scary since the player (a huge lineman) leaped from his chair and screamed this in my face.
I'm playing is a Vryloka Blackguard that sues Fullblades.
I'd like to add that to "Best Lines Ever." Hilarious typo there.
PC: I'm dead!
DM: rolls a 1
P.S. Famous Last Words: "Nobody ever attacks the Pacifist Cleric"
Jimbo digs a rope out of his pack, and after a few arcane utterances, he tosses it on the ground. It slithers forward and wraps itself around two foes. After a moment, it bursts into flames. Jimbo then mutters, "Why does that always happen?"
DM: the shards are slowly reconverging, and the monk is reassembling himself from the pieces!
Wizard: I summon my Hammerfist Crusher.
Best use of a Crusher I've ever seen.
Backdrop:Got attacked by dwarven mobtsers in the street that the king sent us to take out. Found a map on one that led to an abandoned warehouse they use as a base.
DM: You reach the abandoned warehouse. It doesn't look like anyone's been here for a while.(we roll Perception checks and discover evidence that people have in fact been here recently)
Rogue: (rolls another Perception and spots a way up to the second floor windows). I climb up to the windows. (rolls a climbing check)
Me: I walk up to the front door and knock.
(the rest of the party panics and hides, a dwarf answers and manages to knock himself out. The Rogue managed to make her way into the window and found herself in a room with looots of dwarves, and the mob leader. We had no idea of this and went in, and could hear a party going on.)
Skald:Alright, going to have a fight on our hands, so let-
Me: I knock on the door....(rest of the party looks a me)...what? I don't want to be rude.
And in our Monday game after we found a hidden apth into a mountain, we killed some dwarves and stole their horses and tried to flee, only to find the gate closed. We have a Ranger, an Ardent, a Barbarian, a Swordmage, and a Hexblade(formerly a Ranger, long story)
Dwarf: (walks in behind party) Think you're going t leave after coming here and slaughtering our friends?
Me(Hexblade): Oh! And sent their souls to Asmodeus, don't forget that!
'No, you cannot play as a bear in your first ever D&D game. You can be a druid, eventually you'll be able to turn into a bear'
My Friend: 'It's not the same'
The other one jokingly asked if he could put 'Superior' as a skin colour and Indian as a race.
He also attempted to whistle some orcs into submission (as a fighter). I did let him attempt, but he rolled a 1 so that just made them angrier.
And, in a party that was 70% female;
Wizard Questgiver: Ah, you brought me back my Kraken's Eye. You've done me a great service, dear boy
Human Rogue: Boy? BOY! *pushes chest out*
Wizard: Forgive me, my eyesight's not what it used to be
And, in a party that was 70% female;
Wizard Questgiver: Ah, you brought me back my Kraken's Eye. You've done me a great service, dear boy
Human Rogue: Boy? BOY! *pushes chest out*
Wizard: Forgive me, my eyesight's not what it used to be
The monk wanted to get some brass knuckles, but that's not exactly something you can buy at the local market (small town). Luckily, one of the bandits we disposed of had a pair! Imagine that..
Monk: "Awesome, brass knuckles! Dibs. What do they do"
DM: "They're brass knuckles."
Monk: "I put them on. Does anything happen?"
DM: "Yah. You're wearing brass knuckles."
Monk: "But do they do anything?"
DM: "Kinda. You look pretty cool"
Monk: "Wait, a diplomacy bonus? That's weird."
DM: "No, no bonus, they just look cool."
Monk: "Oh... Do I get an attack bonus?"
DM: "... No! They are perfectly normal brass knuckles!"
Monk: "oh... What's the point in that then?"
DM: "Well, I don't know, SOMEONE WANTED BRASS KNUCKLES!"
Monk: "Oh! Cool."
To be fair, the superbowl was on in the background and the monk player was kinda distracted.
"Power Vacuum."
"I still have Form of the World Shaper. I use it and we reshape the world in our image."
"We could use enchant magic item to resize the sword and give it to the giant robot."
This time as a player, playing an irascible dwarven barbarian named Crag. Me and another player, playing a female human rogue, Ginger, decided that we'd have our characters be ex-husband and wife, but still hang around each other. This resulted in a lot of great rapport, including this line from Crag;
'Every day I curse the day we met, but then I remember the nights'
At one point, we were talking to a dwarven stonemason in a tavern called the Frozen Horse. Ginger started being very suggestive towards him, and eventually the DM just blurted out
'Just because he's a stonemason does not mean he likes to talk about his erections!'
we we're all taking turns explaining what we're doing during out watch duties in camp
1st guy says
"you wake up and see me sharpening my sward"
2nd guy says
"you wake up and find me sharpening my axe"
Warlock says
"You wake up and I'm sharpening a rabbit"
Rolen: Elf Ranger with a hawk companion
Murg: Gothzerai Shaman
Quetzl'kahn (Me): Dragonborn Barbarian
Count Von Awesome: Half-Elf Paladin
DM (As local lord): *To Rolen* Oh yes, I can see your greatbow from here
Me: Yeah, that is a great bow
Murg (Travelling with an old hag and her goat): Does the goat eat people?
Rolen (Regarding a swarm of gore-crows when the DM says fire might scare them off): Can my hawk scare them off?
Murg: Only if you set it alight first
Rolen: *Rolls 30 Nature check to identify if we found a devilfish skull
DM: *Checking through his notes*
Me (While the DM is checking): On a 30, you know it's a devilfish, you know its name, where it went to school...
(The group suddenly realises the pun)
DM: You go throug the portal and find the goat chewing on some grass.
(Group decides what it wants to do)
Me: I'm gonna kick the goat
DM: When you do that, it starts changing shape. You hear cracking of bones, it starts growing fingers and stands upright. It has now become an demon satyr monster
Me: .....Oh s**t
(During the fight with said satyr)
DM: The satyr starts playing its panpipes against your Will
Me: Yeah, that's gonna hit (I forget the numbers rolled)
DM: As it plays, it pulls you towards the pool. If you fall in, you're going to get swept up and fall down the stream and over the waterfall.
Me: Damn
Count Von Awesome: You were the one who wanted to kick the goat!
Rolen (Regarding a swarm of gore-crows when the DM says fire might scare them off): Can my hawk scare them off?
Murg: Only if you set it alight first
Now if only he were a druid...
I'm still prone, because I'm right next to the wererat. One of the only two times I managed to actually hit him.
* Saytia punches at the rat's leg with her gauntlet. "You're not getting rid of us that easily."
Saytia: « 1d20+8+4+1 = 16 + 8 + 4 + 1 = 29 »
DMM: (( epic ))
DMM: Hit
Saytia: « 1d4+3+2+1 = 4 + 3 + 2 + 1 = 10 »
Saytia: (( bypasses DR ))
Geistlan: (( Oh wow ))
Saytia: (( I love Smite. ))
DMM: Girrigz looks down, "You...you...bitch."
Guess what I rolled.
Snake eyes!!!!
My dice are AWESUM!!!
Oryn: Whos going to go in the back door and who's going in the front?
Serenity: Ok I will go in the back door and the Psion can come with me
Oryn: Ok then Erdan will come with me
Duke: I am just busting through the wall
Xavier: But I dont want to go in the back door
Oryn: I only but you at the back door because Serenity said she wanted you at the back door with her, Erdan are you ok with going in the back door?
Erdan: Yeah
Oryn: Ok fine Serenity Erdan you go in the back door, Xavier and I will go in the front. Duke break down the wall.
Needless to say all the backdoor inuendos kept us rolling for a couple minutes
"I can picture it now. An Ewok, a Gungan, and a Hutt Jedi walk into a cantina. Something tells me the punchline's going to be 'There were no survivors.' "
DM: A Rooster? Ummm ok, You want to raise it or eat it?
Player: I want to cast enlarge on it.
"Half-elfing it up": were characters that couldn't possibly be disguised as elves disguise themselves as half-elves.
"Fungeon": it's similar to a dungeon but for "fun" activities instead of imprisionment.
We go to a place marked on our map that the town's mayor gave to us for saving his life. Lo and behold, the area's empty.
Me:!!! I take out my shovel and start digging!
DM:You hit something. Not rock or metal, but hard enough to stop your shovel.(We rolled nature checks and no one could figure out what the heck it was)
Me: Uh.....I take a handful of the loose dirt and put it in my pocket(Deep Pocket Cloak, 4th ed)
DM+Party: O_o
Me: Never know when it'll be useful!
Cue "I got a jar of diiirt, I got a jar of diiirt" from someone in the party.
I am now determined to find some use for this handful of dirt besides the obvious "Throw it in their eyes to blind em" trick.
"Wait. Before we go I use the bathroom."
Haha, props for role playing real life situations. Hope they wern't in Full Plate
Player: What's the weapon speed of a mast?
Me (without missing a beat): 22.
He knocked out half the pirates with a sweep of the mast.
Ahhh, how I don't miss weapon speed.
I am now determined to find some use for this handful of dirt besides the obvious "Throw it in their eyes to blind em" trick.
Find a Druid, ask him to use his Seed of Life power, and plant the seed in the dirt.
Tree of Life?
Goblin : Alright, so Hello there, Human, dwarf, elf, and kobold
Kobold: Dragon!
Goblin: Er, no, your a bit small to be a dragon.
Kobold: And what is stopping a dragon for being small, I am just stronger for being so small! I'll prove it!
The pair promptly get in a brawl, and during the fight, a rod (Rod of wonder) falls out of the goblins bacKpack.
Kobold: Er.. whats that.
Gobin looks at the item and promptly grabs it Goblin: It's a rod. I got a rod!
Kobold: Can I see?
Goblin: No No! My rod!
Kobold: Err.. Whats it do?
Goblin scratches his head for a moment. "Er, I dunno... But I GOT A ROD!"
Kobold : Hey, let me see!
The fighting between them continues after that, and a minute later, the Kobold ends up with the rod.
Kobold: Hah, Got it. Mine now!
Goblin lets it go for now, and we soon come into a real combat. The Kobold decides to try out the new toy, and he turns his green scales into purple scales. The goblin at that point grabs the rod back. Through the entire campaign, the pair quarreled over the rod of wonder at times, much to the bigger party members amusement.
I'm playing a Warforged Alchemist, Alcyius. My friend is an Undead Necromancer/Warlock, Lurhan. Then our third friend, she's playing an elven thief, Xeimos. We are all evil characters. The exchange went something like this:
Lurhan: Xeimos, get over here, I want to have sex with you!
Xeimos: GET AWAY FROM ME YOU REVERSE NECROPHILIAC!!!
(Chasing scene ensues)
Alcyius: -_-
The second one, I was playing a Tieflng Hexblade, named Alcyius. My group had just come into a town, and I was paying a visit to a brothel. My character has an unfortunate flaming effect that effects parts of his body at random. About half an hour later, the brothel explodes violently, damaging several buildings around it. I'm the only survivor from the brothel itself. Later, to my group, I say, "The fire came from my....sword...yeah, let's go with that..."
The third one, I'm a warforged named Bender, a page I took from an earlier post, and I was fighting a human. He was near dead, and before I jumped on top of him, I said, "Bite my copper metal
!" Tiefling Hexblade: You'll be rewarded greatly for your courage...
Goblin Rogue: Woot! I go in and start stealing the Dragon's gold.
Tiefling Hexblade: ...provided you survive, of course.
Goblin Rogue: Did I say "I go in and start stealing the Dragon's gold"? Well, I meant "I go in and try to heal the Dragon's foot"... If I'm lucky, it'll pay me.
DM: The Dragon isn't injured. And it's not hungry anymore either. Make a new character.
entire team: for the fifth time: your the dps!!
Team enters town:
DM: you enter falcrest, what will you do?
dwarven cleric: i'mma go and **** bearded women
turns out that cause of the stereotype that dwarven women have beards he's obsessed with bearded women in game.
later:
DM(me): ok make a diplomacy check
warlock: i'll go make one
DM: hold on gotta up the dc to actually make it a challenge for you
DM: ok tigerblood(warlock) you're up
half-elf warlock starts talking in a scottish accent, entire party laughs for 5 minutes
DM: normally half elves don't have scottisch accent but i'll allowe it if you'll keep using it from now on.
In a dungeon facing kobolds, team made a kobold have 1 hp left, team has 10 foot pole, team gets messed up idea:
cleric: can i shove my 10 foot pole up his ass?
DM: why not, make a str vs fortitude check(dwarf had a 0 str mod)
cleric: woohoo, 19
DM: bugger
After the combat they used gentle repose on the kobold and now the team has a kobold on a stiek(pronounced like the jalapeno on a stick) that does 1d4 dmg and dazes.
needles to say i was an idiot, and now every time i try to rule zero/remove it my team riots.
dwarf cleric: i'm mooning the guard drake that is immobilized.
DM: The other guard drake runs up to you and bitess you in the butt.
dwarf: ouch.
Later in the same dungeon:
DM: ok guys roll perception checks, only 2 make it and are not surprised by a dragon.
"the eladrin wizard has first initiative, half-elf warlock(surprised) second, dragon third, dwarf cleric fourth and tiefling rogue(surprised) fifth"
wizard: i'm getting the fuc out of here"fey-steps and walks away" yells at team scatter you fools
warlock: i'm surprised you twit, why am i surprised
dwarf: **** this i'ma tanking this dragon
tiefling: i'm screwed
This was all in 1 session. Think there was more but i forgot
The other great one came when we were climbing down the ladder and the cleric came down last, wearing a skirt. Our human fighter looks up and shrieks, "Noo! The beard goes all the way down!"
Edit: Forgot one. When we got into the final room of the mausoleum we were working our way through, the evil cleric we were facing used a touch buff spell on one of his skeletons, so my elf rogue decided to taunt him. "You guys make such a cute couple!"
Edit: Forgot one. When we got into the final room of the mausoleum we were working our way through, the evil cleric we were facing used a touch buff spell on one of his skeletons, so my elf rogue decided to taunt him. "You guys make such a cute couple!"
That one's a real gem. I love it! Anywho, I also have one to share:
"Surf's up, ye elven pansies!"
DM: Which way?
Eladrain: Ether-way.
Bard:
(actually has this on his phone).Magus: What dangers does my grandfather mention?
GM: One of the primary dangers is spurts of flame, similar to what we see in The Princess Bride's Fire Swamp.
Oracle: Does that include the popping noise right before they go off?
GM: Yes.
Oracle: I'm screwed!
Vampire: Ah mortals..... Just in time, I've managed to rid myself of these cursed accessories and you show up. I think it's time for my lunch...
Human Fighter: Oh that's nice... What are you having?
Cue five minutes of hysterical laughter from the rest of the party and the DM :D
I'll edit some more in if I can think of 'em
Most one-sided wrestling match ever(hint, the Brown Bear wasn't winning)
PC1: You alright with this?
PC2: Meh, **shrugs**, in a perfectly level voice: "I won't kill you in your sleep."
PC1: You know there is no way you can say that without it being a threat...
Examples that followed from PC1: (Best if said aloud with inflection on bold parts)
Show
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
I won't kill you in your sleep.
DM: Roll a luck roll.
Me: High *Rolls 16*
DM: *Rolls 9* No, you weren't.
Me: But I won the luck roll!
Party:
The wizard of our party (my father in real life) seems to get really ticked off at this. He starts to get up from the gaming table to get a drink, as soon as he stands up DM says "Robbilard, your turn. what do you wanna do?"
Wizard: "I wanna magic missle this **** in the back of the crowd!!"
Another adventure we were in some caves, where certain parts had been built up by dwarves. We also had a dwarf NPC with us.Walking down a dwarven built hall, My char. takes a step on a stone/tile and we here a "click". I immediatly stop moving because we know it is a trap and try to disable it. We do skill roles and check out the room for 30 minutes in real time to find out how to disable this trap. We cant figure anything out, so our ranger says "I ask the dwarf with us if he has any ideas"
DM (as dwarf) "Yeah, you just gotta flip this light switch looking thing right here.."
*whole group face palms*
He had said shark liver because he decided to fish while sailing to the island said harpy was fought on and caught a shark. After they ate, he tore 10 teeth out of the shark and cut out it's liver which started to rot by the time we fought the harpy.
The DM was being sneaky, and the PCs were just figuring this out.
PC with True Seeing : " HE'S GOT EXPLOSIVE RUNES IN HIS PANTS !!! "
PC with Max Perform : " ... and he's HAPPY to see you !! "
Everyone howled at the truth of all three details.
The damage rolls were relatively painless.
DM: *describes surroundings as we enter a tavern at the very beginning of the campaign*
Everyone: *walks around, talks to the bartender, tries to find a quest*
Me: I think I'm going to roll gather information and try to find out more about the area by talking to those who seem to be wearing adventuring clothing.
Cornpuff the Half-orc fighter(OOC): Holy crap the newbie's smart!
Me: *rolls pathetically low number*
DM: Everyone you talk to is drunk.
-----
Group is in an underwater civilization (with rings of water-breathing) in the throne room, I have used summon monster to ride a porpoise around.
Dwarf Wizard: I'm going to seduce the fish-princess.
DM: *Glares* Fine.
Dwarf: *rolls and fails*
Me: My porpoise is going to seduce the fish princess. *natural 20*
-----
*in a volcano*
DM: There's a door-
Cornpuff: Is it wooden? Can I smash it?
DM: No, it's solid stone and completely unlocked.
Me: I open the door.
DM: Okay, in the next room there are three doors-
Cornpuff: Are they wooden? Can I smash them?
DM: We're in a cave in the middle of a volcano! The entire place is scorching hot and you're walking on platforms over lava! There are no wooden doors! Period!
Cornpuff: Are you sure they aren't wooden?
I'm sure there are more, I'm just blanking right now.
First campaign I ever played in, we bust up into a room with some orcs interogating a halfling. After mopping up all the mobs (and in 2 turns i might add) The halfling has time to catch his breath and stand up before immediately being grabbed by the throat by our barbarian who slams him against a wall and starts shouting. "ARE YOU OK?!"
20 rounds to kill a few orcs?
I would be angry as well.Ashe, psionicist after using mindfry on a minotaur: You can have the legs; I'm going to eat the horns.
Chezare, magethief and little brother: You know mindfry doesn't actually involve heat? He's still raw...
Players enter a building, fight some stuff and find the entrance sealed behind them. After looking around they find the only way is heading down a long shaft that ends at a door that opens out at the bottom of a cliff face. In that canyon are several hundred vampires. Players take one look outside and go "well, we aren't going that way" and head back inside back up the steps the the original building.
Player 1: Well, the walls of the building are probably not that thick, even if they are stone.
Player 2: I think the climbing kit comes with hammers, if someone has a climbing kit we can start to hammer away at the walls.
Player 3: I think I have a climbing kit. Oh wait I'm a pixie I fly.
Player 4: I break some of the stuff in the room to make hammers and use the tent spikes to hammer into the wall.
DM: After several hours of working at the wall you see no progress.
Player 1 to player 3: I think these walls are DM re-enforced....
Ahh... rails.
A little while back I (DM) had put my group into a scenario where a guild of assassins had went from being Bad guys to new found allies. The alliance was hanging on by a thread as a mutal understanding between the guild and the party. Yet this mattered not to a Human Fighter (Refluffed to be specifically a Crazy fat old viking) and a Dragonborn Barbarian.
After finishing the peace talks the Fighter asks if he can get some beer, he is directed to the local kitchen where small kegs are stored full of ale. The barbarian follows. When they enter they are invited to the ale by one of the guild assassins. In a way, its the assassins own little peace treaty. The fighter looked to me and smiled and i knew it was going down hill from here.
Fighter: "I punch the Asassin!"
DM: What?! Why?
Fighter: "I don't like how he is being nice!"
Fighter to Barbarian: "Lets get the keg and run."
So now we have a large dragonborn and a white haired old Fighter running out with kegs over the shoulder screaming. The remaining party members try to leave them behind by getting the cart and cravan going. This only seems to be a getaway attempt to the two brawlers. So they start running for the back of the cart, in attempts to hop on and escape with the ale.
The fighter is taken down by the legs, and on his way down he throws the keg he is carring, Barbarian recovers keg and continues to run while the fighter screams "TAKE THE KEG AND RUN! ITS ALL THAT MATTERS! FORGET ME NOT! FOR I REGRET NOTHING!!!!"
Maybe a bit of a "Had to be there" story, but still in the moment, priceless.
After defeating a young female green dragon the party was explained they could loot anything from the dragon they thought useful. This spiraled into the players butchering the dragon into parts and packing their bags with what could fit. And of Course Ragnar (The Old Viking Fighter) had to go the extra mile;
Ragnar: I want to keep the uterus.
DM (Me): Dude?! What? Gross!
Ragnar: Yup, Im going to use it as my coinpurse.
DM (Me): Are we really doing this?
Ragnar: Yes... yes we are.
A small fight ensued afterwards between Ragnar and the Elf Druid in the group, after they reached an agreement her response was;
Druid: "I just want to get outta here! Ragnar! Pick up your uterus and lets go!"
We were rolling for a bit after that statement.
Another 4e story with the same party;
After defeating a young female green dragon the party was explained they could loot anything from the dragon they thought useful. This spiraled into the players butchering the dragon into parts and packing their bags with what could fit. And of Course Ragnar (The Old Viking Fighter) had to go the extra mile;
Ragnar: I want to keep the uterus.
DM (Me): Dude?! What? Gross!
Ragnar: Yup, Im going to use it as my coinpurse.
DM (Me): Are we really doing this?
Ragnar: Yes... yes we are.
A small fight ensued afterwards between Ragnar and the Elf Druid in the group, after they reached an agreement her response was;
Druid: "I just want to get outta here! Ragnar! Pick up your uterus and lets go!"
We were rolling for a bit after that statement.
LMAO
While in a dwarven mining town.
Female Changeling Executioner - Allllright, now to loot the town and rob ALL the stores!
Male Dwarf Paladin - Priscilla, these are a kind people that have a rich culture, I also grew up here and everybody here knows me and is kind to me!
Female Changeling Executioner - *Changes into Dwarf Paladin and kills a man with a sword and lights a store on fire, then goes back to normal*
Male Dwarf Paladin - What the hell!
Female Changeling Executioner - Ah! Murderer! Vandal! Guards! Guards!!! *whispers* Never say no to me.
While in a cave and a 100ft beast comes to life.
Female Changeling Executioner - *Shoves enchanted claymore in to ground* *rolls 20* YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
*ground opens up and I fall thousands of feet while attacking the beast*
*rolls a 20 for endurance and another 20 for acrobatics and lands perfectly, killing the beast*
Female Changeling Executioner - Praise Shar! Thank the dice gods!
"Man, I've got to lay of the shaush (sauce). It looksh like there's a bear behind you, but it has an owl'sh facesh."
...And cue the owlbear attack.
He lasted four rounds on his own not taking a single point of damage thanks to cover and some lucky rolls and finally blew up the last of the droids that had attacked us. He kept the trigger pinned and drained the blaster's power cell pumping more rounds into the droids before firing a long burst into the air then leapt to his feet out of his cover holding the blaster over his head. The line?
"This is my rifle! There are many like it but this one is mine! Without my rifle, I am nothing. Without me, my rifle is nothing. I will carry my rifle against the enemy, until there is no enemy. But peace, throughout the Galaxy. Amen!"
Pretty much the whole table just started applauding, it was such an awesome reference and a brilliant bit of roleplaying because the character was actually an ex Republic marine and everything.
Edit: Appalling spelling and grammar.
Our rogue found a potential side entry into a warehouse...we had to remove stones quietly but once removed we could sneak in and potentially have a few surprise rounds...so, the rogue and the ranger work diligently for a long time removing rocks, stealth roll, rinse repeat until we could get through. Perfect...now it's time to sneak in...this put us in a high vantage point in a warhouse with various minions and what not...doing our attacks properly we were setup to snipe a few of them before the battle started. Ranger, Rogue, more than enough firepower...needless to say, our wizard thought, hmm, I should be in there too...with a stealth of 4...um...,he can creep quietly, right?...Rolls...3...oops, uses a power to re-roll...1...immediately stands up from table puts arms over head and grunts in a high-pitch tone mimicing a sand-person from Star Wars...I seriously thought the ranger and rogue were going to kill him...the rest of us nearly pissed ourselves.
Another time, same person playing a thri-kreen monk vampire (or some stupid variation thereof)...not only does he hit like a butterfly, but his AC is 17...at level 8...don't ask...needless to say, the party finds a secret door, but must solve a riddle to open it...I dunno, like 30 minutes passes, still no luck, but party is getting closer to figureing it out...This guy tells me he wishes to leave the party and head around to the main door...to have a 'peek'. We determine that it takes him 4 turns to get over there. He opens the door, setting off an alarm, and a trap, which prevents him from retreating. Right as he does this, the party determines the riddle and opens the door. Based on turns, though, they have to wait 3 turns before they can join the battle...Monk with no ac charges in...to a group of 13 minions, 4 mini-bosses and a main-boss....without pause, 'Surrender now, or feel my wraith'...all minions charge, take him down to like 5 HPs, main-boss laughs and acid orbs him to negative HP. The main-boss was experimenting on mutating creatures into other creatures so naturally they take him up to the alter to start their ritual on him...at this point, our lawful good mage bursts through the secret door, sees the group and his dead companion, 'How dare you try to defile my friend! You shall pay for your evil ways...Hang in there buddy, I'll save you!' and launches a fireball since they are relatively close together (he has the feat to -5 against allies, half damage)...rolls individually on 8 of the monsters...miseses all but 2, and, of course, manages to crit on the monk...does 22 damage and instantly kills off the dying monk...'OMG, noooooooooooooooooooooooo...I killed Kenny, I'm a bastard!'
First I interrogated a goblin by tying him up and beating him with a shark liver. A liver I got from deciding to fish just for lulz and caught a shark, so I cut out it's liver and some teeth just because, then "interrogated" a harpy with it. Then afterwards our Sorceror blew it up after getting annoyed(IC, OOC everyone thought I was being odd..even for my usual self) about it.
Later we take a submarine down underwater to find the 3rd MacGuffin we need to activate some superweapon and get chased by a sea hydra. I manage to shave a few seconds off it's chase by jettisoning a jar of glowworms to draw it away. Then when our pilot mentioned we had torpedos, I asked if he had any hollow ones. I had some extremely strong perfume(long story) I planned on launching into it's eyes via a torpedo. The Artificer was confused(I only asked about the torpedo and didn't elaborate yet) and asked if I was planning to launch myself. I was annoyed...that I didn't think of it sooner. I took a torpedo, took 20 iron spikes and 10 shark teeth and pretty much turned the torpedo into a spikeball, climbed aboard and got launched with the rest of the party thinking I'd gone completely mad.
I managed to egt isndie it, the torpedo tore it's mouth up, I hopped out and got to work on it's throat and organs, making a point to stab it's liver. I then cut myself out through the neck and realzied I couldn't breathe. And then I slowly lost consciousness ready to die..and woke up back in the submarine. Apparently they had fished me back into the sub while I was out. However, the ordeal was big for my Battlemind, so he's going to be out, giving me an excuse to play as the Elementalist I've been wanting to use.
So the party is made of a tiefling Infernal Hexblade(me).
- A Scottish Dwarf Paladin/Ardent
-A Half Orc Barbarian
- And a Schizophrenic and nymphomaniac Tiefling female Warlock, who wants to **** everything that moves or even din't move...
me and the Nympho are noobs at D&D, but i did make the effort to go on the board, follow some guides and tryed to finely tune my char, while his was made up on the spot.
this campaigne is an alternate campaigne to the groups real one, so that we new players get a grip of the game mechanics in real situation and we then rejoin the real party and campaigne.
So basicaly the other two players just made one shoots chars for this purpose.
So We Must escort a merchants caravan to the next town, long story short, we got attacked by 3 maves of goblins composed of ten each.
Me and the other two melees chars end up on the West side of the map, while the Nympho ends up on the opposite side on her own, facing 2 goblins...
While i did a good fair amount of misses, i manage to take down 8 gobs by myself with my Armor of Winter's grasp daily...and i also hurt a bit the dwarf who was a bit too close from me, despite me having the War Wizards expertise feat...
On the other side of the table, when we killed all the gobs, we see the Nympho struggleling to get rid of 2 gobs who are chassing her...
The last wave comes by, with 2 mini bosses, a Chaman and a Gob Hero on wolf, the Nympho got charged by the mounted gob, while we took out the Chaman and the other Gobs.
We run as fast as we could to help her, she manage to make a crit hit with her spell and leaves the mounted gob bloodied..., but when bloodied he makes 2W dmg...
Needless to say that the Nympho got oneshoted, brought to the ground and received the coup de grace...
he then rerolls, for sake of simplicity we says that this char is the twin sister of the previous one, long story short we ends up in the forest at camp, when comes the guard shift of the Nympho2...
The DM; you hear horrible and monstruous howling noises coming at some distance of your camp, everyone wakes up.
Barbarian, i make a Nature check to see if i recognize the sound
DM; right...you are aware that your feets are smelly and that they are in your boots...
A few minutes later, while we decided to make a detour to avoid, what was obviously a Owlbear, we set up another camp, while again on the Nympho2 watch duty, she spots something coming our way...
DM; what do you do?
Nympho2; i wake up my comrades
Okay we are all awake what now?
Dm you are the only one to see something coming your way, what do you do/say to the others?
Nympho2; i decide to tell them that this thing is here
DM are you sure?
Nympho2; yes
DM; really, really sure?
Nympho2 yes i am really sure
DM moves Owlbear in contact to her, you barely have time to warn your companions and the Owlbear makes two attacks and is now grabbing you and ready to eat your face off, you have 10 HP remaining...
We all decided to make a run for it and leave Nympho2 to her death...
The DM admitted that he had asked multiple times if he was sure of what to say, because if he had said RUN! we would have scattered and the Owlbear would'nt have been able to get us...
SO after a while we find a new companion attached to a tree by some gobs who leaved him here to die, it was the Nympho2 player new char, he rolled an Half elf Assassin this time.
We get to a mountain side and we face a Hyppogriff, we kill the thing pretty fast, thanks to the barbarian 35dmg rolls.
Wer found the monsters nest and there is an egg in it, we discuss what to do with it, eat it, take it with us and sell it etc.
And our Assassin and barbarian agreed on to the take the Hyppogriff's head as a thropy or the make an helmet out of it, so we are on a mountain side choping a Hyppogriff heads off...
last battle against a swarm of Strygias.
LOng story short, i am back to back with the dwarf paladin, surrounded by those pesky things, and i decide to use my Armor of Winter's grasp daily and hoping that this time i don't hurt the dwarf again...
What i wasn't aware of is that the dwarf was at negatif HP...
DM, ok you touch the dwarf in the process, roll the dmg.
2D6+6 dmg...roll of 17...
DM, ok dwarf he killed you...
Dwarf player: i really don't like this power...
Good thing is that for killing the dwarf i got 500xp and thus passed lvl2!!
There is things i forgot, but we where all hilarious when the poor guy had to after each battle make a new character.
The primary villain that we were saddled with was essentially a Queen of the Underworld kind of thing. She seduced a variety of male counterparts to her lair and then proceeded to kill and eat them. Sexy right? We're heading off through our dungeon crawl to her lair and my dwarf decides now is as good a time as any to start up a little song.
I read once somewhere on these boards that one guy had his dwarves sing, "Heigh ho, heigh ho, to kick some ass we go." So I decided to tweak it for my situation, "Heigh ho, heigh ho, to *uck her *ss I go."
Cue DM spit take and fits of uncontrollable laughter.
We found a ring in the middle of nowhere sitting on a small lift? Throw the Cultie(my nickname for him) at it and tell him to grab it.
Suspicious room with a treasure chest full of gold? Obviously a mimic, throw Cultie into it(it wasn't a mimic).
Find small room that aforementioned small lift leads to? Tie Cultie to it and lift it up, then when it comes back empty, assume the ungrateful jack@$$ ran.(he didn't).
Meanwhile at every opportunity, I made it clear I did not give a $hit about him or his well-being. Whenever we were moving through unfamiliar areas, my scythe was always right at his back leading him forward. I asked the cult leader if he was expendable(he said yes to me in private). I even told him to his face there's an excellent chance I'm going to kill him when we're done.
It may have been the fact I had no sleep the previous night, but I honestly did not give two $hits about being a major jerk to him.
Mage: "Is it me, or does every dwarf have a Flagon of Neverending Consumption"...
Barbarian: "Oooh, me not know those exist...me want one"
DM: "um...I don't think that's a real item"
Mage: "of course it is, every dwarf we've run into so far has had a flagon they've offered us a drink from... they must have endless supplies of ale to be that generous"
DM "um..."
Thief: "you could always steal one...he is drunk afterall...shouldn't be *that* hard..."
Barbarian: "Me no steal, me take...Me wish to bash dwarf and take his flagon..."
DM: The friendly dwarf who is *trying* to assist you looks puzzled and starts to back away
Barbarian: "Me Grab dwarf and smash head"...rolls 20..."Me take flagon now"
DM: "Dwarf dies, you take a flagon, and realize that it isn't neverending"
Barbarian to Mage: "Fix, it broke"
Mage (who is lawful good): looks on in horror, not sure what to make of his party...
Barbarian, i make a Nature check to see if i recognize the sound
DM; right...you are aware that your feets are smelly and that they are in your boots...
Wat?
Barbarian, i make a Nature check to see if i recognize the sound
DM; right...you are aware that your feets are smelly and that they are in your boots...
Wat?
Wat what?
I think its pretty obvious...
Barbarian failed a nature check to see if he recognize the screams in the forest from wich beast it comes.
the DM reply's by the line" you're only aware that your feets are in your boots and that they are smelly"...
Whats so confusing?
In one of the encounters, the fighter had run into a room full of enemies, and had already been surrounded on three sides by kobolds and goblins.
Me: Up next, this kobold is going to come up behind and--
Fighter OoG: Oh, f--k me in the ass.
Me: Yeah, that's exactly what he's going to do.
It was my second time ever DMing, I was running a campaign for three of my friends. Elf ranger, human fighter, dragonborn paladin.
In one of the encounters, the fighter had run into a room full of enemies, and had already been surrounded on three sides by kobolds and goblins.
Me: Up next, this kobold is going to come up behind and--
Fighter OoG: Oh, f--k me in the ass.
Me: Yeah, that's exactly what he's going to do.
Did you at least allow the poor fighter to roll a save vs. Rod, Staff, Wand? Lol.
It was my second time ever DMing, I was running a campaign for three of my friends. Elf ranger, human fighter, dragonborn paladin.
In one of the encounters, the fighter had run into a room full of enemies, and had already been surrounded on three sides by kobolds and goblins.
Me: Up next, this kobold is going to come up behind and--
Fighter OoG: Oh, f--k me in the ass.
Me: Yeah, that's exactly what he's going to do.
Did you at least allow the poor fighter to roll a save vs. Rod, Staff, Wand? Lol.
Haha, no, the kobold ended up missing his attack, so we decided the fighter's well-crafted Dwarven buttocks armor did their job.
Avenger: I start dancing with a woman. ... let's roll to see how pretty she is. *rolls a natural 20* Yes! She is the most beautiful girl in the room!
After a while we're offered a free stay in the inn. At this point i know something terrible is about to befall us. When we wake up, the town has become a ghost town. Some of us have to roll to make sure we don't have dibilitating hang overs.
Avenger: *goes outside the inn to see what is going on*
DM: You see a large groteque creature. Roll a religion check.
Avenger: *Rolls high enough to know it is a demon*
RougueOOC: Hey, wouldn't he be zealous enough to just run out there?
AvengerOOC: Oh, your're right! In character: BY THE LIGHT OF BAHUMET I WILL SMITE YOU!
DM: Every undead creature is now heading in your direction. The Demon turns towards the party.
Everyone: Gods damnit.
A little into the encounter, the avenger sees a skeleton come around the corner.
DM: You notice that she is wearing a yellow dress. The same as the woman you danced with in the tavern.
Avenger: YOU UNDEAD ****! *Rushes towards her with his implement glowing and weapon drawn*
He saw through it when out Rogue tried to pickpocket the MacGuffin off him.
DM: As you come around the alleyway of tombs, you see a number of undead creatures surrounding a sntrange glowing tree-like-thing. the undead turn around, growling, and begin shuffling your way. As your party steeles themselves for battle, there is a sickening cracking sound of wood as the tree uproots itself and starts to shamble towards the party as well...
(Interrupting) Player: 22 religion for the undead?
DM:... (momentary pause, as he's realized the guy has interrupted him, again.) They're [insert generic MM1 undead statblock here]. Roll nature for the tree.
The player throws a natural one.
Player: Zero. (Wiz dumpstat, fittingly)
DM: You are fairly certain that it's a Pony, a mythical creature you've never before seen, but it has legendary powers that outstrip that even of the unicorn. In your fevered excitement, you tell the entire party that you think it's one of the great and majestic ponies, and that you can't possibly harm such a beautiful and gentle creature.
Some quotes from various games:
Crit.
I Diplomacise the shark.
Wait, that plan actually makes sense.
We need to split the party, hear me out, this will work.
Belee masic!
Also mauled a Lich by summong a Magma Beast, a Succubus, a Chainbearer, and a Marilith(houseruled resource system) and pretty much demolished him with Instinctive actions
Rogue: I attack with Riposte Strike (hit) and I will move to provoke an opportunity attack
Ardent: (looks at group HP sheet) Ummm you only have 15 hit points left
Rogue: That's 14 more than I need!
or this little gem that comes up every encounter when the wizard uses his favorite ability: storm cage
DM: Okay its the monster's turn and he-
Wizard: (interrupting) Takes another 10 damage for being in the STORM CAGE!!!!!
Female Hamadryad Ardent: (suspiciously) Do they attempt to split us up?
DM: They lead all the males to one room to sleep but since you're the only female and you're a hamadryad they give you your own space in a garden outdoors.
Hamadryad: (jokingly) Oh no, they're going to plant me!
Other Player: Yeah they're gonna plant you.
Innuendos rock.
Later at dinner our suspicions were confirmed when they poisoned us. Luckily our wizard (I believe he's sha'ir) rolled a nat 20 on his endurance and we have a deva invoker who doesn't have to eat, so they escaped. On top of that, my dragonborn with high strength and our assassin with high thievery managed to unlock our chains and break down the cage.
I haven't been playing DnD for a very long time, but I have to say this is probably the single most fun session I have every played in.
We managed to wake everyone up after a couple of days and a guard came to us and asked us what happened...But before anyone could answer in the group, our rogue said:"The cat knows everything!"
The guard looked a bit puzzled, so I answered.
"Do you need a village idiot? We got one to give!"
This rogue ( Well, this player ) always bring stupidities like that. He doesn't try to be funny...He's just "like that".
He's also famous for this situation...
He and another player, Seit Tocs, were at a locked door and the rogue said:"We go at three, because two is better than one!"
Seit Tocs was so confused...
( Then while we talked about this...The door opened and monsters charged at us! )
Innuendos rock.
During a D&D5 playtest I was playing the Dwarven fighter; a woman was playing the Cleric of Moradin.
Me (off-hand comment): Clerics take oaths of poverty and chastity.
Her (indignant): No I didn't !
Me: Well, you are as a Daughter of Moradin, and I'm not gonna make your father mad at me.
Rest of table:
"Why does Googling 'comely goblin wenches' turn up images or Thor from the movie?!"
The Stormie/Dark Jedi had a high acrobatics score, the player is fond of the various death defying lightsaber battles from the movies, but since for the first two adventures they were attempting to track down a Jedi hiding on Tatooine there weren't many oppurtunbities to use it (he also trained in Jump). At the end of the second adventure they were level 3 (long adventures) and had finally found the Jedi's hideout under a cantina in Mos Eisley. They fought through the base and made it to the Jedi's sanctum sanctorum, where he was training on a moving mass of platforms suspended above a large pit.
(There wasn't really a sensible explanation for this but I wanted the acrobatic Dark Jedi/Stormie to have a good time). Heavy stormtrooper wins initative by a nat 20, hits the Jedi with a rocket, rolls max damage, and the Jedi is dead, depriving everyone of a truly epic boos fight.
Heavy stormie's player : "I like this new character!"
Our group was tasked to find and end a Kobold "probleme" in the forest, they where plundering and killing merchants and travelers on the road for quit some time.
So our groupe composed of a Dragonborn Barbarian, with a heavy stereotypical German accent, a Jedi wannabe Swordmage/Warlock half Elf, who's master was names Master Obi Ouan Kenthucky(yeah in this campaign every important NPC as a name related with food, here its obviously KFC...).
A schizoprheniac Blondie/Busty Priestess names Angela and on certin occassions, her hair becomes black and her second personnality comes out and she names herself Malicia(like the cick in dragonball, one minute she is super nice and a bit stupid, then she is super bad and violent), A Tiefling Warlock( the 4th char in 3 sessions of the guy from the previous posts).
And myself a Hellblade Revenant/Tiefling with the Helm of Seven Death as a mask that covers half my face(melted by acid blood of a monster) and a Fake bio-magical arm...
All this little folk is by the time lvl 5, near lvl 6.
So long story short, we got to the Kobolds camp, its night time, they are gaterhed around a bonfire, they still din't noticed us in the shadows.
The Jedi use one of his rituals to extinct the light of the bonfire completly, the fire is still there but the kobolds don't see the light anymore, and then he doubles the brightness of the fire, blinding them, and we got a surprise round out of it.
Now we face 12 or so Kobolds Brutes and Skirmishers and Shooters, accompagnied by drakes or huge ass lizards of some sort, so yeah we are still badly outnumbered.
But we manage and kill everything, without a loss.
The Dm admited that he had designed this so that we would lure a part of the pack, kill them, then take on the rest of the group.
We enter a sucpicious looking Hut, where a Shaman Kobold was performing a SUmmoning Ritual.
Jedi player; "But wouldn't he need a massive amount of sacrifices to be able to summon a Deamon?"
DM" yup, and what did you guys do for the last 40mins?..."
Us " ooh..."
So we fight the Shaman and the Deamon, my Character having a visceral hate of Deamons takes on the task to take him out(i knew thjat if i was in a bad predicament, i could count on the Barbarian, seeing that he can do 70dmg per round...).
So we defeat the Shaman, hoping that the Deamon would be send back to hell, with no avail...
The Deamon attacks me and use his ability to teleport outside of the hut, with me..., bad idea sucker!
I manage to land a crit, with a few effects from my gears and stuff and i wound him badly, he as 10 remaining HP, and decides to flee.
I start running after him throught the forest,then as i pass by the Hut, i hear a loud BANG!, then again another one, followed by a huge crack..., it was the Barbarian who ran literraly through the wall of the Hut, storming out with blisters of wood flying all around, with foam on the corner of his mouth Yelling his name in the "Leeroy Jenkins" way(weird ass name, Kusharass'id or something).
The Deamon seeing this accelerate a bit, whe manage to catch him through a combined charge of me and the Barbarian, and annihilate the Deamons ass into oblivion!
The DM and the other players looked at us with a dumbfound face, and gave us the Nickname "Deamon-Ass Busters".
Other situation.
It was in the same session, we did a 24-hour marathon session, so there was a lot of stuff that as come up, can't remember everything, but damn did we have fun!
So while we where 5 players for like 18 hours, a 6th dude came for the last 6 hours.
He rolled a Rogue Changelling, and he decided to meet the group by coming to use in the disguise of a Kobold, because to him it was good RP, because his Char was trying to passe on the kobold territory unnoticed, wich in his own was smart and a good way to do it...
So we ran to him with our weapons out.
He asks nervously to the DM" what are they doing?..."
DM" well they spent the last hours to genocide Kobolds by hundreds, and you come up to them disguised as a Kobold..., i think they're gonna kill you and skewer you so they can make boots out of your hide..."
Not really a line, but a funny situation.
Our group was tasked to find and end a Kobold "probleme" in the forest, they where plundering and killing merchants and travelers on the road for quit some time.
So our groupe composed of a Dragonborn Barbarian, with a heavy stereotypical German accent, a Jedi wannabe Swordmage/Warlock half Elf, who's master was names Master Obi Ouan Kenthucky(yeah in this campaign every important NPC as a name related with food, here its obviously KFC...).
A schizoprheniac Blondie/Busty Priestess names Angela and on certin occassions, her hair becomes black and her second personnality comes out and she names herself Malicia(like the cick in dragonball, one minute she is super nice and a bit stupid, then she is super bad and violent), A Tiefling Warlock( the 4th char in 3 sessions of the guy from the previous posts).
And myself a Hellblade Revenant/Tiefling with the Helm of Seven Death as a mask that covers half my face(melted by acid blood of a monster) and a Fake bio-magical arm...
All this little folk is by the time lvl 5, near lvl 6.
So long story short, we got to the Kobolds camp, its night time, they are gaterhed around a bonfire, they still din't noticed us in the shadows.
The Jedi use one of his rituals to extinct the light of the bonfire completly, the fire is still there but the kobolds don't see the light anymore, and then he doubles the brightness of the fire, blinding them, and we got a surprise round out of it.
Now we face 12 or so Kobolds Brutes and Skirmishers and Shooters, accompagnied by drakes or huge ass lizards of some sort, so yeah we are still badly outnumbered.
But we manage and kill everything, without a loss.
The Dm admited that he had designed this so that we would lure a part of the pack, kill them, then take on the rest of the group.
We enter a sucpicious looking Hut, where a Shaman Kobold was performing a SUmmoning Ritual.
Jedi player; "But wouldn't he need a massive amount of sacrifices to be able to summon a Deamon?"
DM" yup, and what did you guys do for the last 40mins?..."
Us " ooh..."
So we fight the Shaman and the Deamon, my Character having a visceral hate of Deamons takes on the task to take him out(i knew thjat if i was in a bad predicament, i could count on the Barbarian, seeing that he can do 70dmg per round...).
So we defeat the Shaman, hoping that the Deamon would be send back to hell, with no avail...
The Deamon attacks me and use his ability to teleport outside of the hut, with me..., bad idea sucker!
I manage to land a crit, with a few effects from my gears and stuff and i wound him badly, he as 10 remaining HP, and decides to flee.
I start running after him throught the forest,then as i pass by the Hut, i hear a loud BANG!, then again another one, followed by a huge crack..., it was the Barbarian who ran literraly through the wall of the Hut, storming out with blisters of wood flying all around, with foam on the corner of his mouth Yelling his name in the "Leeroy Jenkins" way(weird ass name, Kusharass'id or something).
The Deamon seeing this accelerate a bit, whe manage to catch him through a combined charge of me and the Barbarian, and annihilate the Deamons ass into oblivion!
The DM and the other players looked at us with a dumbfound face, and gave us the Nickname "Deamon-Ass Busters".
Other situation.
It was in the same session, we did a 24-hour marathon session, so there was a lot of stuff that as come up, can't remember everything, but damn did we have fun!
So while we where 5 players for like 18 hours, a 6th dude came for the last 6 hours.
He rolled a Rogue Changelling, and he decided to meet the group by coming to use in the disguise of a Kobold, because to him it was good RP, because his Char was trying to passe on the kobold territory unnoticed, wich in his own was smart and a good way to do it...
So we ran to him with our weapons out.
He asks nervously to the DM" what are they doing?..."
DM" well they spent the last hours to genocide Kobolds by hundreds, and you come up to them disguised as a Kobold..., i think they're gonna kill you and skewer you so they can make boots out of your hide..."
Hahaha that last bit with the changeling made me spit out my drink I was laughing so hard.
I'm thinking the king could be named King Rarebit Worcester.
Any way from me, same campaign as my ealier post (Star Wars SAGA, dark side and working for the Empire),
Rodian Sniper
Dark Jedi Force Wizard
Heavy Stormtrooper with a rocket launcher
Stormtrooper/Dark Jedi Hybrid
During a Halloween adventure I had written where the heroes travel to a zombie infested Impreial planet, the characters had just been picked up by a shuttle and were on their way to said world. The Dark Force Wizard told the stormtroopers on board the shuttle that the Rodian was not to be trusted (earlier that session the Rodian snuck away the Dark Jedi's food, bit of revenge for a theft of the Cheeto bowl by the Force Wizard's player and the Force Wizard IC was still annoyed, he hadn't eaten for three days.) The stormtroopers, having been ordered to obey the Force Wizard (he was an Emperor's hand) immediately searched the Rodian and took off him (not counting the Xerol Nightstinger sniper rifle in its case, which they immediately confiscated as well) two knives, a heavy blaster pistol, three credit chips, and various other gear, the character was pushing the weight limit. The Rodian player immediately pulls a hold out blaster from his boot and tells the stormies to put their hands up (this includes the Force Wizard and the Heavy Stormtrooper PC). The pilot and the Dark jedi/Stormie hear and they try to sneak into the main area of the shuttle, however the Rodian hears and tells them to get against the wall.
The Heavy Stormtrooper PC "Look Toro (Rodian), you have six shots in that hold out blaster, there are 10 of us. All of us have armor except the Dark Jedi, it might take two or possibly even three shots to kill us, and the Dark Jedi has supernatural reflexes. Also he could use the Force to pluck the blaster out of your hand at any mome-"
Rodian Sniper, interrupting "Never tell me the odds!"
Wizard: Wow, I'm really wasted.
In the first encounter we were fighting this guy who went crazy due to a tatoo from the God of Posession, and the Half-Orc Blackguard kept trying to sneak up while Goliath Barabarian were fighting him (And the barb was getting his a** kicked). The blackguard finally moves up and ties the guy up so he can't move. (The enemy was prone at that point from the barb's daily).
Wizard: What do we do now?
Me: Now we run.
Drunk guard in bar: So what, you guys are some kind of special guards?
Me: No. We're better then the guards.
This is more funny in context, all the guards were minions, earlier I was ready to waste about 10 of them.
The barb and I were trying to get information out of this guard but even after two pints of Dwarven ale and a shot of Goliath whiskey he wasn't saying much.
Me: Alright this is gonna be....awkward
How acttractive is my character?
DM: What's your Charisma?
Me: 16
DM: You're very attractive.
Me: Alright, here goes the Bluff check......
Hey buddy, wanna show me your sword?
(Insight and Bluff failed and the DM ruled that the guard wasn't....that way. My paladin was relieved, to say the least. There's only so much you can do for the team.)
Goliath Barb: Alright Taerin (Me) we're not getting much info here.
Me: OOC: How mad will you guys be if I try to hold hostage this entire tavern full of minion guards.......
Both happen in the Bronze Citadel while we're attempting to get some Rite that allows us relatively safe travel through the Hells. Our character had to fill otu some forms. When I wrote my date of birth down as "In 1000 years"(we didn't actually fill it out, we just went over a quick list of what we would write down), the teller looked at me funny, then tells me to sign a contract that specifically says I won't tell any of the devils about things that could potentially alter the course of history. "Boy, they really do have thorough lawyers here."
Second event was when we finlaly got the Rites, we needed to go see Lord Baal(secretly to go in and take him out of power and set the previous ruler back up to aid us against Asmodeus) and the teller tells us we need an appointment. About to decide a different way, the teller notices my name on the form, checks the schedule and tells us we DO have an appointment. After some confusion, the teller notes that I went there and made an appointment last month(note, we've only been in the Nine Hells for about 4 days). After we laugh about it and go on with that, as we're walking away, I just tell em party "Oh yeah, when we're done in the Nine Hells, remind me to go make that appointmnent."
Our Swordmage jokes and says the gods are probably trying to keep the Astral Sea from tearing apart from all my time travel shenanigans.
1- My party is fighting a lich ad the lich casts weird, me being immune to death effects and the battle age live. However the two melee people die. First thing I do? Deep voice mode* let the bodies hit the floor
2 we were in a cave I forget why now and the dm says. You enter a large room. Me actually using my brain for once uses a spot check. Dm- "you find a rock"
Me-" is it a rock lobster"?
Dm-"Noo-
Me- *sings rock lobster*
Last night I, my sister and father were playing a d&d 4e game with my sister DMing.
well anyway, the final boss ended up being a huge mole which, after going back and forth in battle between me (lvl 2 warforged wizard) and my father ( lvl 5 elf ranger), proceeded to, in a French Accent, "Fart in the elf's gen'eral direction". After laughing a bit about it, my sister roll the attack and landed on...20, which brought the elf's hp down form 23 to 3. Needless to say we thought it was pretty funny that the strongest PC playing that night got nearly brought down by a fart.
My party is fighting a boss and his minions when our dwarf paladin decides to use a mysterious wand he found earlier that day.
Paladin: I quick draw my wand and use it to attack the boss
*rolls a 1*
DM: Attack closest ally.....and you just turned him into a squirrel
Later that session we are talking to an NPC
NPC:What happened!?
Squirrel player: "Squeaker squeak squeaken!"
Another situation from a few weeks back:
My party is in a forest and have reached a fork in the path.
Sorcerer: Hmm so which way....
DM: You see a huge metal flying object race across the sky on the left
Barbarian: I throw dwarf in air
Party: WHY!?
Barbarian: To see where flying metal go
All saves were made successfully, although a group of baddies were alerted that we were coming because they saw a dwarf appear suddenly above the forest
Another one:
Elves: it's kind of hard to tell the gender without having them drop their pants.
So long story short, we get into catacombs full with Zombie...Pirates...
There is also Canoneer Zombies..., with canon in their stomachs who shots canon balls at us!
So after clearing a few rooms, we end up in a room with over 180 Skeletons&Zombie Pirates..., so...while we laughed at the idea to take them all on and grind the xp..., Jack Rackham did the smartest thing...he asked for Parley.
So we are bringed before Captain Barbossa, while over our heads we can see the underbelly of the Darker Pearl..., yup the ship was brought into the catacombs and embeded into the ceiling..., don't ask why, the GM himself din't know why...
So Jack and Barbossa goes on, on a argument on wich of them is the captain of the Pearl, just like in the movies, before facing Barbossa and "little" Jack, who here is not some little monkey, its a freakin Undead Gorilla!
SO here the figth goes on a bit like with the 5man raid of the Champions in Northfend in WoW, the encounter with the Dark Knight...
One normal form, a skeleton form and a specrtal form, who when he saw that his ass is being handed to him try to phase through the ceiling, at wich point the guy who plays Jack make us notice that thus he takes 5 OA's...
So yeah the Boss, who was meant to be a comeback etc was nearly killed...
So we go on in the catacombs fighting droves of Zombie pirates, our Ranger gets killed 3 times( we made a special NPC for those who died, Morty The "joyous" Grim Reaper, who once you have cleared a puzzle or enigma, you would come back alive with half our HP)when we endin a room, with 8 Zombies and 4 Skeletons
Now the weird part here is that each skeleton not only did a burst1 attack when bloodied, but also when killed..., and damn did they hit hard... the DM did some high dmg rolls, killed the Monk, who did a good amount of dmg, he failed his 3 try's with Morty so death for good.
He decid to reroll a Warlord, we continue to the next room, where we finnaly meet with Barbossa and 6 of the Skeletons who gave us a hard time...
And we there is only four of us left.
So after a hard and long fight, where 2 of my buddy's where brought down to negatif, and i had in midts of combat to pour some potions in their mouth to bring them back also the Warlord Dragonborn of the other guy joins in( he was brought prisoner and thight up), we finaly kill the darn pirates, and i was left with 14 HP and the others where at 2 or 5 HP!
The DM admited that we faced 6 lvl 6 and a lvl 8...we where lvl 4 and one lvl 5...
So we got out of the catacombs end up in a tower, and on one of the floors, we foudn 2 human mages in a room, we are behind the door, the elf chick tries to open the door...the wrong way, and jammed her fist in it, at that moment the first human mage who is behind the door, kicks the door, and Jack who was standing in the way of the door, got his nose broken!
So once the door open the Warlord, jumps in, makes an attack bulls rush the guy, making him flying across the room at the other end of the table, while his comrade is standing there dumbfound and pissing himself.
So the Dragonborn goes to the other guy and says" You,... its in your best interest that your answers to all of my questions if you don't want me to chop your head off and that i eat your innards..."
Dm rolling-" Yup okay...he is so intimidaded that he is **** himself..."
During that time the other guy gets up and try to hurl a fire ball into the door frame where the rest of the group was standing, at wich point the elf chick used an interupt and literraly put an arrow through the forehead of the guy..., ded on the spot...
Dm-" The other guy is now completly emptied of any fluids and is begging for his life"
We get some intel from him, he give us all his belongings and while we are discussion what we are to do with him, he teleports out of the tower!
The name of the guy who fled was Noahgro and the guy who died was Alwaiss Han'Gri...
We go a few Floors up and we end in the Boss room, the final Boss of this quest!
So he sit on a chair with 3 creatures and a stranger undead abomination.
We charge in...and kill in 2 rounds the Undead Abomination..., and we are all looking at the Dm like WTF?...
Us" What lvl was he?"
Dm " Lvl 10..."
Us" What?!"
US" and the others?"
DM" Lvl 6 and the Boss lvl 8"
Next round, i and the warlord charges the boss, hits him both, and we see the DM making rolls behind his screen with a really dissapointed face.
Us " Whats going on, what you're doing?"
DM"...Death saving throws..."...
US" Oo?!?"
DM" ...i hate you guys..." in a soft disheartend voice ^^.
SO after meeting with the Changling( or is it doppleganger in english?), we did actually enter in fight mode, and was near killing him, because he can't forfeit his disguise willingly during combat(at least the rules arn't clear on it...)
So we had to make Insight rolls, wich 2 or 3 of the team failed, so he took a bit of damage, then i finaly got a satisfactory Insight roll and stoped the fight and clearing the misunderstood situation.
We go into a Rp discussion as to why we would allow a Dopplegagner(assassin) to join our team.
SO he goes like" well the best way to prove it to you, is to prove my worth and my talents, so i propose a duel".
We are okay with it, and the Warlock wants to go first,...we are all a bit worried, because in a 10 square large space, the assassin will have the upperhand.
So we sets a few rules,all damages done are non-lethal( so no death saving throws, you count as having succed it), and when a fighter is below Bloodied value he can forfeit if he wish.
So the match begins, without a surprise the assassin, gets the Initiative and dashes to the Warlock, and he hit him, and use his Infernal Rebuke feat to push the assassin back, and luckily the dmg roll of the assassin wasn't high.
So when the Warlock turns comes up, he uses his encounter power, Flames of Phegetos i believe, and...crits!
But not only does he crits, the Doppleganger guy forgot to spent some Healing surges to resplenish his HPs..., so yeah Win for the Warlock.
After that you would expect that admist the laughing of the groupe he would stop it and we will continue our route...
But he asked for another duel, and so he dueled every member of the group...and lost miserably each time...
Not only was he sent flying across the hills by the Barbarian who tried to hit him with the flat of his sword and critted and sent him hurling into the trees, but he was badly molested by the Warpriest of our group, who also got a crit of one of her encounter power, and with the addition of items effects got him to 0 hp in 3 turns.
He got his ass handed to him by the Jedi wannabe and i nearly annahilated him into oblivion...
Not to say that he was pretty much dissapointed with his rather OVERFAILED attempt to look cool and the fact that we where laughing our **** off, din't help...
DM-"...soooo..., you're an assassin right?, din't know they sucked this hard^^!"
Father Michaels: Let us not forget that we could not have won without help from the Lord. And so let us stop to offer thanks to Him Above. For it is right to give thanks and praise. *Puts on Journey's "Anyway You Want It."
Rest:
???Father Michaels: A victory lap counts.
Another one:
Elves: it's kind of hard to tell the gender without having them drop their pants.
4th Ed
So we went up against Baal, Lord of the First Layer, and before he died, I readied an action to use Lost in Time(Level 20 Time Bender Daily) on him when he dropped, then when it went off, he got hurled out of the timestream. Sicne he was below 0, he can't make his saves and is floaitng through time. Then as a joke, the DM mentioned he might end up in the far future where they have the technology to heal him. Then I laugh and say he'd probably come after us with future tech to try to get revenge. The DM then paused and thought it sounded cool, so he might try to work it in.
I'm looking forward to High-Tech Baal.
I'm looking forward to High-Tech Baal.
mmh...and so are made Deamon Princes of Chaos Space Marines!
I'm looking forward to High-Tech Baal.
Got a pic for him.
I'm looking forward to High-Tech Baal.
Got a pic for him.
I have one as well. ;)
I'm looking forward to High-Tech Baal.
Got a pic for him.
Oh my....this should be good.
The Party, we are playing with the gun rules of Gamma World (light guns or heavy guns, one-handed or two-handed);
Snag, Goblin Ranger (Noctaem)
Dargan, Dragonborn Barbarian (Me)
James Marlicky/Berovice, Cricket Shaman (warr1)
Kittra, Halfling Hexblade (baldhermit)
Iserith is the DM, obviously
Snag : I open up my cod piece and reveal a shotgun
..............
DM: So is that a one-hander, or a two-hander?
Question that got asked twice so far: So, which orifice does it go into?
When baldhermit was asked that his immediate response was "The a**"
Me: I roll a jump check
DM: Where are you jumping?
Me: Up and down, once
DM: ... You jump pretty high
This is probably a series of the worst choices we have ever made.
We were near the end of the campaign, fighting the aspect of a god (well his second in command or something, very near him) and losing. About a month before this (real time) we had fought a very unfriendly and powerful undead dragon named Dragotha. During Dragotha battle the Sorcerer was absent however. Party has about 7 people.
Since we were losing the current battle the sorcerer came up with a brilliant idea!
Sorcerer : I know, I'll summon Dragotha (through some magic or wish or something) and control him and tell him to kill everyone!
Rest of Party: Don't do it. We all died in that fight two or three times (Cleric was allowed to use revifify to rez people)
Sorcerer: That was 5 levels ago, how bad could it be!
Rest of Party: Don't summon the evil undead dragon!
By this time the sorcerer started talking to Dragotha, who assured the wizard he could easily smite all enemies around us and seemed eager to obey.
Sorcerer summons Dragotha. Undead dragon promptly tries to kill everything it sees, ignoring the sorcerer. Chaos all around.
Fighter comes up with a plan.
Fighter: I know! Wizard, cast gate when I say.
Fighter throws Sphere of Annihilation in the middle of everything.
Wizard casts Gate. (This made the DM smile, a very scary thing to see).
Bad news, everything in a 300 foot radius is gone. All players sent to random planes, cleric ends up in plane of shadow and comes back gray. Fighter goes to plane of fire, next few hours are spent trying to find everyone.
Eventually everyone gets back to the material plane.
Everyone is terrified by being sent to nine hells, fire plane, water plane, random planes that I never heard of before (One person made up a plane of sandwich earlier in the game and someone got lucky).
Still, after all that the party (excluding the sorcerer) said: That was still better than fighting that damn dragon again.
And another!
Before the above story we were on our way to said undead dragon, and for some reason we were fighting dragons that exploded upon death. This battle was ontop of a large cliff (or plateau, whatever) about 1000 feet in the air. There were the 7 of us and about 5 dragons (not too stong, kinda like mass produced warrior dragons...that exploded).
We take the first dragon down, wizard gets hit, knocked unconcious, and plummets off the cliff.
Cleric dives off the cliff after him. After falling a little ways (couple hundred feet) cleric catches up with the wizard and heals him.
Wizard (now concious): Whoa! I'm alive! And we're falling! What do we do!
Cleric: I don't know, I just heal people. You're a wizard, use magic!
Wizard, thinking quickly uses a wand of dimension door and pops the two back to the top.
Meanwhile up top the rest of the group was fighting and caused a chain reaction of exploding dragons. Resulting in a huge crater filled area full of smoke and dying party members.
Cleric to wizard: This is why you don't jump off cliffs, see what happens when the party has no cleric around?
Longtoth shifter turns to the Kenku as the drinks show up-
"So I get the long neck vase and you get the shallow bowl, right?"
When the food showed up the Longthoth said he wolfed it down, the Kenku just pecked at his.
Almost half an hour later as the first combat was being mapped out the DM stopped and laughed because he finnally got it.
Sir Marcus Robin, Saint-template Paladin of Tyr, Leadership feat-granted army, self declared Patron Saint of Cheese. Uses Rhino's Rush and his mount for massive charging damage whenever possible.
Bit, gentle and caring cleric of Ilmater. Sooths suffering of innocents and allies first, attacks second. Prefers use of the Fiery Burst reserve feat, followed by Divine Might and Divine Power.
The scenario:
After the third time the villains have laid ambush with innocents, causing Bit to Leeroy Jenkins into the fray to heal and protect...
The Line:
"Tyr, could you please do me a favor. Pass on a message to Ilmater to tell Bit not to run in as a screaming idiot. All my love, Saint-General Sir Marcus Robin, patron Saint of Cheese. Amen."
Player 1: What do I see?
DM: A panel.
Player 1: Hey, I see something!
Player 2: What?
Player 1: A panel!
Player 3: Best. Roleplaying. Ever.
DM (as the Dwarf smith): These are my sons ___ ___ and ___ (I don't remember their names)
Defender: I don't think I want my spear anymore, how much for sword?
Cleric: How much for one of your little ones?
DM (half in character, half OOC): Are you asking to buy one of his.. my sons?
Druid: Why would you say that?
DM (back completely in character): You guys need to leave.. Just find me that gem in the cave, and I'll pay you.. But for now, just get out.
So after a couple of encounters, we call it a night. Next week we meet up, go through more encounters, and eventually head back to town, with the gem and head back to the blacksmith for our reward. Realisticly, a day maximum passed in game time.
Me: Hey check it out we have the gem!
DM (in character, and the dwarf is now a little drunk): He says "HEH So you did! And you even brought back the guy who wants to buy my sons from me!" and then the sons look over at the group of you uncomfortably
Cleric: Oh no, it's cool.. I'm over that now
We laughed for a while after that, and it's been a recurring joke.
Happened last week:
My party is fighting a boss and his minions when our dwarf paladin decides to use a mysterious wand he found earlier that day.
Paladin: I quick draw my wand and use it to attack the boss
*rolls a 1*
DM: Attack closest ally.....and you just turned him into a squirrel
Later that session we are talking to an NPC
NPC:What happened!?
Squirrel player: "Squeaker squeak squeaken!"
Another situation from a few weeks back:
My party is in a forest and have reached a fork in the path.
Sorcerer: Hmm so which way....
DM: You see a huge metal flying object race across the sky on the left
Barbarian: I throw dwarf in air
Party: WHY!?
Barbarian: To see where flying metal go
All saves were made successfully, although a group of baddies were alerted that we were coming because they saw a dwarf appear suddenly above the forest
Tossed the dwarf, lol.
Barbarian, i make a Nature check to see if i recognize the sound
DM; right...you are aware that your feets are smelly and that they are in your boots...
Wat?
Wat what?
I think its pretty obvious...
Barbarian failed a nature check to see if he recognize the screams in the forest from wich beast it comes.
the DM reply's by the line" you're only aware that your feets are in your boots and that they are smelly"...
Whats so confusing?
And... what?
There are three rules of adventuring, the most important is this:
Rule the First: Place not thy appendages within dark holes.
My friend Pat, playing his first ranger had apparently lost his adventurer's handbook when this happened:
DM (me): Ok, you see a small hole in the ice cavern's wall.
Pat: About how big is it?
DM: No more than a foot in diameter. You won't be able to fit anything more than an arm in there.
Pat: Ok, I'll reach in and feel about. Do I feel anything?
DM: Yes, you feel a searing pain in your arm as something severs your forearm from your body.
Pat: HOLY CRAP! I stick my head in so I can see what happened to my arm!
DM:
That's how one of the characters died when I ran the Tomb of Horrors. This was room 1, the devil face with the sphere of annhilation in its mouth at the end of the hall.
Another player, who had stepped out momentarily, was getting caught up what happened...
Him: What happened?
Player 2: I stuck my arm in the hole and something bit my arm off. The dwarf looked to see what it was and it took his head off!
DM: Well, the wound looks more like a vorpal blade than a bite; the wound is a perfectly straight cut, perfectly clean, through hair, flesh, sinew and bone.
Him: Vorpal Blade? YES! I jump through the hole!
Dwarf player (now informed of what's going on): (Moaning miserably) I hate dungeons.
*The rogue, upon meeting a group of friendly hobgoblin furrier and armor-smiths, digs through his haversack until he produces the corpse of a cockatrice the group killed the previous day*
"How much to make me a chicken-hat?"
That is all. No more need be said.
Hunter : Guys remember when we had a bad ass mage?
Paladin : Yea some times I think it would be better to knock him out and Drag Him.
Mage: WHAT? DRAGON? DRAGON!!!!!!
Paladin : Not Dragon you big baby Drag-Him
Mage now sitting on the floor rocking back in forth : Dragons.....dragons every where
Hunter : Look what you did.
While trying out the Voice Changer feature, I attempted Orc to match my character's Race. Someone commented "You sound like a-" and I couldn't hear the rest. I asked, "Did you say 'bug' or 'bunny'?" Someone else cut in, "That would be one creepy bunny!"
Player: How deep are the pits?
DM: Deep enough to die.
Player, after a missing an attack for the second time in a single turn: "And as a minor action, I will curse."
After that same character tries for a third time, and rolls a Nat 1, my Orc says, "Stop hittin' yerself! Stop hittin' yerself!" He replied, "At least I'm hitting something!"
Later in the session, the party Thri-Kreen has died.
Player: Can I pick up a piece of him that's big enough to wield? It will do more damage than the weapons we found.
"I think we broke the DM."
I think every group says/hears that at least once.
The party investigated some hot spots in a city including a temple with fanatatic religeous extremists. After the party caused some alarm some of the fanatics began to attempt to summon a person the party did not want to deal with so the half orc fighter threw a mace at one of them and smashed his head in. This then entered them into a skill challenge of attempting to calm the rest as the fighter caused an up roar. The party failed and ended up slaughtering all of the fanatics. This was near the beginning of the session.
At the end they got into an encounter with some mercs but the fight was interupted by some city guards and the party leader was sentenced and hauled away. As the session drew to a close one of the players quipped, (keep in mind this is a pretty violent party)
Player 1: Wasn't much violence this session, we need to fix that next time.
Player 2: Didn't we kill an entire religeon?
Player 1: oh yeah!
Guard:Hey you!
Me
pitch black area, no dark vision)....Huh, me?Guard:Yeah you, come here!
Me:Uh..I'm locked in.
Guard:.....You passed the first test.
We laughed that it would have been hilarious if I went ahead and stepped out.
DM: "As you travel down the path, it begins to get warmer. You see that a giant conflagration has consumed what was left of a wooden buildilng, and there are ashes stiill slightly burning. In the middle is a small black stone plate that's smoking."
Wizard: "I mage hand it toward us and put it on the ground in front of us."
DM: "It's covered with many runes, and some of them are shining. The outside has an intricate engraving on it, which seems to be some language."
Rogue: "I turn over the plate."
DM: "As your fingers touch the plate, they suffer minor burns."
Cleric: "I get the brown bag."
DM: "That's only got food in it."
Cleric: "I cast create water and pour cornmeal on it to make pancakes."
Hey druid. Make like a tree and cry some syrup on these pancakes.
DM: "As you travel down the path, it begins to get warmer. You see that a giant conflagration has consumed what was left of a wooden buildilng, and there are ashes stiill slightly burning. In the middle is a small black stone plate that's smoking." Wizard: "I mage hand it toward us and put it on the ground in front of us." DM: "It's covered with many runes, and some of them are shining. The outside has an intricate engraving on it, which seems to be some language." Rogue: "I turn over the plate." DM: "As your fingers touch the plate, they suffer minor burns." Cleric: "I get the brown bag." DM: "That's only got food in it." Cleric: "I cast create water and pour cornmeal on it to make pancakes."
Hey druid. Make like a tree and cry some syrup on these pancakes.
"Also, mind summoning up a Dire Boar? I'm hankering for some Dire Bacon."
So we resume in the old elven temple, in a chest we find 5 potions.
We each take one, and the DM is playing the Doppleganger char.
DM" ok , so someone wants to tast the potion to see what effect it has?"
Jedi-like Char" ok i put my pinky in it and taste it with the tip of my tongue"
Dm" you identify this potion as a Healing Potion"
DM" mmh mine seems a bit smelly, well gonna taste it and see if its alter the taste"
SO yeah its a bit easy, but it was a quick way to deal with it,...we though...
SO the Dm drink the potion, and then becomes High, The Hangover style high.
He gets unconcious, so the Dragonblood Barbarian decides to take him and lift him on his shoulders while we wait for the effects to dissipate.
We get in a room where there is a gold coin on the floor, in the middle of the room, your Jedi beeing a bit greedy, rush the coin, and falls into a pit, no real arm, just looking really silly.
So the Barbarian deposit the Doppelganger rogue on the ground, me, the Warpriestess and the Warlock stays next to him, while the barbarian helps the Jedi to get out of the pit with a rope.
DM" Ok Vale(doppleganger name" gets up, and look at you guys, then he draws his weapons and attack" random dice throw" the Warlock".
So he strikes at the Warlock, and we roll Initiative, but the Barbarian and the Jedi are still going at whatever they are doing.
Then it comes to my turn, and i use my Encounter power on the guy, i make a really good damage roll, something like a total of 59 dmgs, wich would force the Dm to make DS throws.
At that very moment the Jedi(who's a Swordmage/Warlock HYbrid tank) use his Aegis and teleports me at the other side of the room.
Me" What the heck ?!, what are you doing?!"
Jedi" you are attacking him!, im only defending him!, you vile creature!( he is a Good Char, while i'm a revenant/tiefling Neutral), so he is coming for me, but i'm ready for it.
The Warlock jumps in, explains the situation, and the Jedi then looks at me ,then the Rogue, then proceed to restrain and attack the Rogue.
We resume the fight and kill the poor basterd.
Me" what tyhe heck where you thinking?!, can't you read a situation?, i was defending the other Goofball here so that he din't get himself killed!"
Jedi" Hey i see you hiting a comrade so i take his defense, thats only natural"
Me" Your "comrade"? its been 4 hours since you knew him!!!, we have spent a whole month together!"
Jedi" Oh...yeah..., know that you mention it..."
jh
DM: you walk into a small chamber, in the corner there is a dog tied to a post, the looks at you and says "thank you for killing those orks, it would have been such a hastel to kill them on my own"
player: I use my axe and kill the dog
DM: what?
player: I kill the dog
DM: you dont talk to it... it is a talking dog!!!
player: nah i just kill it
the DM looks at his refernce notes than starts crossing out text
DM: ...rocks fall, you die!
DM: You come crawling out of the forest, covered in bloody vomit.
Sliph Druid: Eww. I check him to see what's the matter.
DM: You realize that he's got some sort of horrible magical illness.
Dwarf Fighter: I know! This banana will keep him from losing too many nutrients!
*Dwarf proceeds to force-feed my fighter bananas*
This has now become his go-to cure for any sickness or status effect. Dominated? Unconscious? He force feeds us bananas.
Wizard: don't take me for some conjurer of cheap tricks, my spells cost 60gp per letter to cast.
later in the game:
Wizard: I use magehand to bitchslap the sh*t out of him
DM: roll a int vs ac
Wizards: "crits" make that a fist-bitchslap
DM: he gets 10 dmg and loses 2 teeth
Ranger: note to self, keep on lluyds(wizard) good side..
Wizard: wanna stay on my good side: give me all your beer.
even more later, the party scavenges a dragon for scales. The cleric gets an idea:
Cleric: dude we need to take these scales and make dragonscale thongs for us all.
Warloc: we're guys remeber
cleric: Oh I know
After they recieve a chest filled with gems.
Cleric: We can use these to fancy up our dragon scale thongs
Fighter: Which we don't have
Cleric: yet me friend, yet.
During a though battle:
Wizard: I use fire mantle on the fighter.
Fighter: AAAHHH, I'M ON FIRE, ON FIRE! PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUT! "starts running around in a 2X2 area"
Cleric: and that's why you don't use magic on a tank who dumped his int me friend
Warlock (who is trying to subtly ask if the man is being stabbed): do we hear the soft fleshy sound of something entering his body?
She easily passed the strength checks and proceeded to heave the horse up....minus it's legs. The wizard and cleric (OOC) both hollered "HORSE TUBE!" After passing all of the checks I threw at her, the horse rolled over the spider swarm, smashing almost all of them. After the laughter had died down, the wizard (OOC) said he had to look or a picture of a legless horse online. Word for word, the next day at work, I was told, "NEVER F***ING GOOGLE HORSE TUBE." I was no good. There were tears in my eyes as he explained that, when you search for "a horse tube," you evidently go to a special kind of pron.
I love this game
Your face, your ass...Waht's the difference?
Nobody steals our chicks...and lives.
You're an inspiration for birth control.
dukenukem.wikia.com/wiki/Quotes_(DN3D)
Rest of us looked at each other and burst out laughing. We all jumped in demanding to see the owner of the cave, that we were cave inspectors investigating a complaint of unsafe cave conditions at their lair...
GM was speechless..lol
Our Party:
Gnome Paladin (Mortimer Fairchild), averse to killing, uses a shield as a primary weapon. Pretty much the group face
Human Starsoul Sorcerer (Mikel Farseer), amateur astronomer.
Human Bard (Galven Silvertongue), new addition to the group.
Half-Orc Magus (Khajira Free-Ork), hyper-feminist, believes all males are below her.
Fighter/Rogue (Un'Cle T'rap Spring'er), professional "mediator".
My players had just gotten to the true start of their trials, when our bard feels a burning sensation from an amulet an NPC had given him (signifying that they were being scryed). He took it out and it stood out straight like a divining rod, alternating between two points.
Paladin- So that means someone is looking at us?
Sorcerer- It would seem so.
Paladin- Alright. *To DM* I cast Ghost Sound to make sexy music, and then I start dancing. Are they both still watching?
DM- Okay then. Yes they are.
Paladin- Good. I start taking off my shirt. Still watching?
DM-
Yes. Paladin- I remove the rest of my clothes then. Now?
DM- Well, the amulet stops alternating and rests pointing at only one point. Why do you care?
Paladin- We head off in that direction!
Unit 34: why did you do that
Wizard: You were pinned under 5 guards i was trying to help
Unit 34: I know i had them right where i wanted them
Wizard scratches head as he and Warforged are surrounded by guards: Yeah guess i should have left you there
Later after killing the evil Lord we are asked by the townspeople if we can go kill the Hydra the Lord has in the arena. One of the other Prisoners from the arena is a Troll by the name of Bob (which happens to be the name of the person playing Unit 34). So once the encounter starts everytime it is Bob's turn or he takes damage I get a rather confused look from the Warforged player. What was more confusing for him was when i Crit for 34 damage on Bob... He just stared at like huh til he realized what was happening.
Barbarian - "I attack with Slash and Slash Again!" :roll, roll: "Crap. 2 misses. Are you serious??"
Cleric - "That's it. That power's new name is Miss, and Miss Again."
Barbarian - "That... thats hurtful. I'm retraining this ASAP."
Tonight we had the Werewolf and were making our way through a Dragon lair to reach a Huge Red Dragon. Outside his lair are two burly Dragonborn Warriors we start fighting the warriors and right away the Werewolf starts hurling insults at the Dragonborn:
Is that all you got, your mother hits harder then that!,
That tingled a little here let me show you how it is done,
etc.
After one of the Dragonborn drops the werewolf procedes to pick up the dead Dragonborn and beat the live one to death with a dead body. Once both Dragonborn are dead the Werewolf then rips off the underwear of one of the Dragonborn and procedes to carry it around happily. They enter the Dragons Lair and fight the massive Red Dragon about halfway through the fight the Werewolf asked the Wizard if it would be possible to use magic missle to get the flithy underwear into the Dragons mouth. The wizard not only succeeds in getting into the Dragons mouth the Dragon then starts choking on said underwear and is now helpless. The dragon was beaten down rather quickly after that, thanks to some horrible rolls on my part, and with its dying breathe managed to expel the underwear and alot of flem which smacked our half elf cleric right in the face... Best moment ever
So I run this campaign titled Evil Observers, and I find that the party is able to come up with some of the most hilarious content every once in a while- especially in serious circumstances. Here's an example of a recent 'encounter.'
ACTIVE PARTY MEMBERS:
Female Battlemind: Delo
Female Ranger: Faranni
Male Druid: Baralai
Male Psion: Farrow
The adventuring group decided to explore past a locked gate, into a walled off facility called "The Educational Institution." The psion (Farrow) found in the first barred window a child in a dimly lit room, crying, facing a board that has 'FAILURE' written multiple times. It only went from bad to worse as the druid changed forms to sneak into the facility to confirm the first findings, but also noted that there were multiple children. He also snuck under two doors that were locked from the inside, and saw a woman screaming at a child, while another child was shackled to the wall. Faranni, the ranger, got the lock picked open, and Baralai was able to open up the door, also explaining to them what was happening- especially in the locked room ahead of them.
The battlemind, Delo, stode down the hall, and kicked the doors so hard, the chains broke, making the doors fly open. Her only response:
"Sup... Bitch."
*Insert a few good laughs from everyone at the table here*
Everyone in the room, including two other men that Baralai had missed, turned there attention quickly to the intruders. The rest can be summed up in the dailogue:
Evil woman: Who are you!? How did you get in here.
Faranni: We saw what was happening to the child in the barred room. That is not how children should be treated.
Evil woman: This is private property! I demand you leave- NOW!
Baralai: What are you doing to these poor kids? Why is that other child crying alone in that room? And why is 'failure' on that board, too?
Evil woman: Wha...? Oh. Timmy. That wretch. He is being... disciplined.
Faranni: That is not the correct way to discipline... anyone.
Evil woman: It does not matter what happens here. What matters right now is you barging in like this! WHY ARE YOU HERE!?
Farrow: Uhhh... We're ADVENTURING??? DUUUHHH!
Everyone at the table exploded with laughter after that. Needless to say, the party freed all the children, and it was a good day to be an adventurer.
"Ok so we need to change clothes and hide the bodies. It is all the best parts of Sailor Moon and CSI."
Our party consists of:
* A mentally-12 Half-Vampire Dread Necromancer (Me; we ended up house-ruling the Half-Vampire bit as just taking a level in the Vampire Spawn class because I didn't realize there was already a Half-Vampire template in Libris Mortis....)
* A fullblade-wielding Half-Dragon Duskblade
* A Drow Samurai who grew up in the "Southern Isles" (basically feudal Japan)
* An exhibitionist Catfolk Rogue (DM character)
* A "very male" Werewolf (also DM character)
The first town we're in, we go out to eat and end up at what the DM says is basically a Denny's. As we're looking at the menus and the waitress is taking our drink orders, our Samurai looks at the waitress and says (the player saying this with a perfect deadpan voice and expression): "What's a 'Pepsi'?"
After the DM picked himself up off the floor and managed to stop laughing long enough to breathe, he instituted a house rule where we get 10XP every time we say or do something that breaks him.
Our first major encounter was in a warehouse where our Catfolk (a slave we freed in the first session) was taken. There were a handful of melee guys on the floor, and about 8 archers up in the rafters. The Duskblade proceeded to take out the support beams to unbalance the archers, while Sebastian (my zombie snake familiar) climbed up to attack them. Every time these guys made a Balance check to not fall after getting attacked, they crit-failed and fell to their deaths. With a Wilhelm Scream.
Thus spawned the trope of "The Archers who Can't do Anything."
Both on the boat in our first session and in the warehouse, we kept coming across enchantments and illusions that were extremely powerful (one of them being a tattoo'd suggestion spell on the Catfolk), and nobody we've taken them to can remove them. Thing is, as powerful as the spells were, they were implemented in an extremely lazy way. We started calling the one who created the effects "Lazy Wizard," and every time we call him that it's like a mix between "KHAN!" from Star Trek and "Dinkleburg..." from The Fairly Oddparents. It ended up with the Wizard actually having the nickname "Lazy Wizard," and EVERYBODY in the world seems to know him.
Best one so far was when a Kobold Wizard was investigating the tattoo and asked about it. The whole party responded simultaneously with "Lazy Wizard." Including the Duskblade, who was in another part of the castle and didn't know we'd found another way in.
We took the Catfolk to the head wizard of a warlord's army to see about getting the tattoo removed. After his pompous ass got thrown across the room by the backlash from trying to remove it (earning him the name "Useless Wizard"), he started walking back toward the mirror/portal he'd entered through. Our Samurai was off on a personal mission and his player had rolled up a Fey'ri Hexblade. He used his curse ability on the wizard as he was leaving.
DM: "Ok, he doesn't have to roll very high to *rolls dice* OR NOT!"
He'd nat-1'd, and ended up running into the edge of the portal when he tried to walk through. And presumably fell down a flight of stairs somewhere on the other side.
We were in a tunnel system on our way to the front lines of a war, when we came across a large group of enslaved Kobolds being watched over by Dwarves and a very dickish Gnome. My Necromancer had prepared some soup to feed to the noticeably-starved Kobolds, but kept getting the bowls knocked out of her hands by the Dwarves (who admittedly were just doing their jobs and were legitimately apologetic for what they did).
I decided to try something crazy, so I told the DM "I drop my ivory pumpkin into the soup." The "ivory pumpkin" being an item filled with necromantic magic. The next bowl got knocked out of my hand and the soup absorbed into the ground.
Within the next minute, our Samurai cast darkness on the Gnome, the Duskblade picked up the Gnome and hung him by his shirt collar from a lantern hook, and I rushed past to feed the Kobolds.
And then a swarm of Kobold Skeletons came out of the ground, grabbed the Gnome, and headed down the tunnel while singing Voltaire's "Oh Lord (Wake the Dead)."
This one didn't actually happen, but there was a bet between the Duskblade and the DM over whether it would. My character's father is out of the picture, and she was raised by her mother. Her father (only the DM knows this) is a paladin who probably left because he didn't want to stick around with a Vampire. Well, the Duskblade was betting that one of the times I went to The Graveyard (a gateway plane between ours and the Negative Energy Plane), I'd ask the Gravekeeper (an aspect of death and the Graveyard's ruler; picture Jack Skellington with a giant scythe) "Are you my daddy?"
Kinda wishing I HAD done that, because the response probably would have been the Gravekeeper just giving me the "Wat?" stare, his scythe coming down (since I'd have to ask him that as he's throwing it up into the air) and sticking in his head, and him pulling the scythe (and his head) off while going "I'm sorry, WHAT?"
More to come as it happens or is remembered...
While we were playing Ravenloft, we had quite a few.
In the first, the party tank, a huge dragonborn was charging at a ballista caraven and just burst his way inside and then putting the fear of god in the man operating it.
DM: "Well, he jumped out of the caraven and you can see him crawling on the ground away from you. You are now standing infront of the ballista, what do you want to do?"
PC: "Wait, you mean I now have a semi-automated one handed operated ballista? I take the operator seat, start to laugh maniacally and take aim at the remaining bastarts still standing. I'm gonna name her Jenny!"
And for the rest of the campaign, there were no sweeter words than to hear: "Guys, cover me, I'm deploying Jenny!"
Player pirate captain to the avatar of an evil god: "GET THE HELL OFF MY SHIP!"
*Uses Ring of the Ram, launches the avatar into the sea*
A rogue character of mine is traversing a dungeon with the rest of the party.
Party: "Should we go left or right?"
Me: "Right, of course. You just keep going right and eventually you find the exit."
The party heads right, and is instantly attacked by vampire bats!
Me: "NEVER GO RIGHT!"
The party lands on a nearby beach, together with their new crew member, Mad Captain Wiseman. A crazy hermit opens fire on them, declaring that this is his island, and that they will not go anywhere near his fortress (which is really just a cave). Mad Captain Wiseman turns to the party leader and says: "This man is clearly insane!".
Game 1
Cast: DM /// CG Catfolk Rogue (me), TN Elf Druid, NG Orc Barbarian, LN Human Ranger
[We entered a town where the guards attempted to confiscate our weapons before we were allowed to enter. My rogue surrendered his kukri, but hid his dagger in a hand puppet Slaad and ad-libbed a ventriloguy monologue to make the guards forget to check inside the puppet.]
Barbarian: This is garshak! How are we supposed to defend ourselves?
Druid: (smug) Oh, really? Your dependence on technology leaves you weak without it? Why hasn't anybody warned you about that?
Ranger: What are you complaining about, the guards are easily strong enough to handle any criminals.
Rogue/Me: Really? How are they supposed to protect us from murderers when they can't even outsmart a simple frog? [pulls the puppet off to reveal the dagger. Says in mouthless-puppet voice:] "Ny lungs are killing nee, thanks thor asking."
Game 2
Cast: DM (me) /// LN Kobold Wizard, CN Human Cleric, NG Catfolk Barbarian
[The party was hunting a vamprie clan led by a LE human sorceress/cleric/theurge. They tracked the clan to it's hideout, but were discovered by guards and then cornered by the mage.]
Theurge: Did you honestly think you would fare any better this time?
Wizard: No, which means that you have no choice but to let us go, as clearly we would not be stupid enough to think that we could sneak in here without being caught, therefor getting caught must have been our plan in the first place and it would be in your best interest not to allow us to complete whatever our plan must be.
Theurge: [jaw drops] I'm sorry, did you just come up with that on the spot, or did you plan specifically around my being stupid enough to fall for it?
Barbarian: Well, you did say that your power arcane is that of sorcery rather than of wizardry.
Game 3
Cast (all half-dragon PCs): DM (me) /// LG (Gold) Lizardfolk "Paladin" (some homebrew fixes), CG (Bronze) Human Wizard, CE (Black) Human Scout/Ranger
[The "Swift Hunter" returned from "perimiter recon" with the warning that an adult White Dragon from the family they were tracking had turned around to deal with them directly. The wizard turned himself and the hunter invisible to provide artillery from behind the trees, and the paladin stayed in the open to attempt negotiations for the dragons' surrender.]
Dragon: Bored now. [Unleashes his ice attack, but the paladin survives]
Paladin: I couldn't even see my breath, how was that supposed to hurt me?
Dragon: [flies at her and pushes her to the ground]
Paladin: No, wait, never mind, you're close enough that I can see my breath now.
Dragon: Are you serious?
Paladin [unleashes her fire attack]