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Contention and Abuse

Post/Author/DateTime Post
#1
grumpycelt
Jan 08, 2010 13:35:56
How do you handle contentious situations with other players? Namely, arguments and conflicts relating to out of players issues that find vent in-character – and for that matter pointless and even silly in-character conflicts. How do you handle abuse from other players, even if it is not directed at you? Such abuse is rarely physical but usually verbal and emotional. How do you handle emotional violence at the table as the players do anything – short of actual physical violence – in vying for dominance?
#2
oxybe
Jan 08, 2010 16:20:03 if it shows in a disruptive manner that there is visible animosity between two players? i didn't like the whole "teen wangst drama" when i was a teen, i don't like it now that i'm an adult. your out of game issues are out of game, so please resolve them like adults. if you cannot be respectful of the others gaming and leave your issues at door, to quote the gord "door's to the right".
#3
PrimeSonic
Jan 13, 2010 7:52:19 I agree with oxybe. Best is to handle it like adults, out of character, off the table.

You can only throw them life threatening distractions for so long until they go right back to it. So take some time before the next session to talk it out and get these guys in line lest the ruin the fun for everyone else.
#4
Shiftkitty
Jan 13, 2010 14:20:06 Tell them directly outside of the game without cushioning anything. "Your personal problems are killing things for everyone else. Settle it, check it at the door, or stay away until you grow up."
#5
chaosturtle
Jan 14, 2010 4:01:32

How do you handle contentious situations with other players? Namely, arguments and conflicts relating to out of players issues that find vent in-character – and for that matter pointless and even silly in-character conflicts. How do you handle abuse from other players, even if it is not directed at you? Such abuse is rarely physical but usually verbal and emotional. How do you handle emotional violence at the table as the players do anything – short of actual physical violence – in vying for dominance?

...Rarely physical? That implies that there are points where it is physical, which is a huge flashing red neon warning sign.
#6
Novacat
Jan 14, 2010 7:50:39 When I left a gaming group that exhibited these traits, I wrote up a 2-page outline to the DM, explaining why I was leaving. I still re-read it every now and then, when I feel like I need to play, regardless with whom, just to remind me why I left.
#7
tsukinousagi
Jan 14, 2010 11:06:52
Tell them directly outside of the game without cushioning anything. "Your personal problems are killing things for everyone else. Settle it, check it at the door, or stay away until you grow up."

Short sweet and very much exactly on target.
#8
cigarette
Jan 15, 2010 12:42:50
Tell them directly outside of the game without cushioning anything. "Your personal problems are killing things for everyone else. Settle it, check it at the door, or stay away until you grow up."

Pretty much sums it up.
Don't allow bad attitude to ruin everyone elses fun.
#9
grumpycelt
Jan 15, 2010 16:57:47 Well, some people have to have chaos in their lives, even if they have to create it in the lives of others to get it to the level they want.
#10
Shiftkitty
Jan 15, 2010 18:26:25 My mother-in-law is like that. She grew up in a loud, abusive home and was a child-abuser herself. She can't stand that her sons have created homes where hitting and yelling at each other is NOT the norm, and that the kids don't curse at the parents and only cause the amount of trouble that you would expect normal kids to do as they grow and test their boundaries. If everybody is getting along fine at a family gathering, she has to bring up snide little bits to try to start a fight. She'd escalate it if nobody took the bait, so we started shutting her out by ignoring her and carrying on a conversation as if she wasn't there. As soon as someone leaves the room, she immediately starts bad-mouthing them, even the kids! She'd get vicious with it. This last Christmas she thought she'd insult us by giving us a 50 dollar gift card from Wal-mart because, according to her, we told her we didn't like "dust-catchers". (We never said any such thing.) Rather than argue with her over it, we were delighted to have the gift card. You see, our deep-fryer had just burned out. She was genuinely bothered that we weren't insulted!

I refer to this as "Comfortable Chaos". I think she's afraid of admitting that she grew up in a screwed-up envirionment and that she allowed it to continue when it didn't have to. Jealous of those with more peaceful homes, she has to try to stir things up so she doesn't feel so abnormal. Of course, I'm no psychiatrist, but that's my take on her. I suppose the situation for others is quite varied.
#11
tequila_sunrise
Jan 15, 2010 20:13:15 What Shiftkitty said.
My mother-in-law is like that. She grew up in a loud, abusive home and was a child-abuser herself. She can't stand that her sons have created homes where hitting and yelling at each other is NOT the norm, and that the kids don't curse at the parents and only cause the amount of trouble that you would expect normal kids to do as they grow and test their boundaries. If everybody is getting along fine at a family gathering, she has to bring up snide little bits to try to start a fight. She'd escalate it if nobody took the bait, so we started shutting her out by ignoring her and carrying on a conversation as if she wasn't there. As soon as someone leaves the room, she immediately starts bad-mouthing them, even the kids! She'd get vicious with it. This last Christmas she thought she'd insult us by giving us a 50 dollar gift card from Wal-mart because, according to her, we told her we didn't like "dust-catchers". (We never said any such thing.) Rather than argue with her over it, we were delighted to have the gift card. You see, our deep-fryer had just burned out. She was genuinely bothered that we weren't insulted!

I feel fortunate to have a relatively sane family.

PS: I think a dust-catcher is a vacuum, but it doesn't fit the context. Am I missing something?
#12
grumpycelt
Jan 15, 2010 22:59:04
PS: I think a dust-catcher is a vacuum, but it doesn't fit the context. Am I missing something?

A dust-catcher is a tackly little bauble, like a ceramic kitty, which is used for decoration but also seems to collect more dust than is fair.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 grumpycelt Jan 08, 2010 13:35:56	How do you handle contentious situations with other players? Namely, arguments and conflicts relating to out of players issues that find vent in-character – and for that matter pointless and even silly in-character conflicts. How do you handle abuse from other players, even if it is not directed at you? Such abuse is rarely physical but usually verbal and emotional. How do you handle emotional violence at the table as the players do anything – short of actual physical violence – in vying for dominance?
#2 oxybe Jan 08, 2010 16:20:03	if it shows in a disruptive manner that there is visible animosity between two players? i didn't like the whole "teen wangst drama" when i was a teen, i don't like it now that i'm an adult. your out of game issues are out of game, so please resolve them like adults. if you cannot be respectful of the others gaming and leave your issues at door, to quote the gord "door's to the right".
#3 PrimeSonic Jan 13, 2010 7:52:19	I agree with oxybe. Best is to handle it like adults, out of character, off the table. You can only throw them life threatening distractions for so long until they go right back to it. So take some time before the next session to talk it out and get these guys in line lest the ruin the fun for everyone else.
#4 Shiftkitty Jan 13, 2010 14:20:06	Tell them directly outside of the game without cushioning anything. "Your personal problems are killing things for everyone else. Settle it, check it at the door, or stay away until you grow up."
#5 chaosturtle Jan 14, 2010 4:01:32	How do you handle contentious situations with other players? Namely, arguments and conflicts relating to out of players issues that find vent in-character – and for that matter pointless and even silly in-character conflicts. How do you handle abuse from other players, even if it is not directed at you? Such abuse is rarely physical but usually verbal and emotional. How do you handle emotional violence at the table as the players do anything – short of actual physical violence – in vying for dominance? ...Rarely physical? That implies that there are points where it is physical, which is a huge flashing red neon warning sign.
#6 Novacat Jan 14, 2010 7:50:39	When I left a gaming group that exhibited these traits, I wrote up a 2-page outline to the DM, explaining why I was leaving. I still re-read it every now and then, when I feel like I need to play, regardless with whom, just to remind me why I left.
#7 tsukinousagi Jan 14, 2010 11:06:52	Tell them directly outside of the game without cushioning anything. "Your personal problems are killing things for everyone else. Settle it, check it at the door, or stay away until you grow up." Short sweet and very much exactly on target.
#8 cigarette Jan 15, 2010 12:42:50	Tell them directly outside of the game without cushioning anything. "Your personal problems are killing things for everyone else. Settle it, check it at the door, or stay away until you grow up." Pretty much sums it up. Don't allow bad attitude to ruin everyone elses fun.
#9 grumpycelt Jan 15, 2010 16:57:47	Well, some people have to have chaos in their lives, even if they have to create it in the lives of others to get it to the level they want.
#10 Shiftkitty Jan 15, 2010 18:26:25	My mother-in-law is like that. She grew up in a loud, abusive home and was a child-abuser herself. She can't stand that her sons have created homes where hitting and yelling at each other is NOT the norm, and that the kids don't curse at the parents and only cause the amount of trouble that you would expect normal kids to do as they grow and test their boundaries. If everybody is getting along fine at a family gathering, she has to bring up snide little bits to try to start a fight. She'd escalate it if nobody took the bait, so we started shutting her out by ignoring her and carrying on a conversation as if she wasn't there. As soon as someone leaves the room, she immediately starts bad-mouthing them, even the kids! She'd get vicious with it. This last Christmas she thought she'd insult us by giving us a 50 dollar gift card from Wal-mart because, according to her, we told her we didn't like "dust-catchers". (We never said any such thing.) Rather than argue with her over it, we were delighted to have the gift card. You see, our deep-fryer had just burned out. She was genuinely bothered that we weren't insulted! I refer to this as "Comfortable Chaos". I think she's afraid of admitting that she grew up in a screwed-up envirionment and that she allowed it to continue when it didn't have to. Jealous of those with more peaceful homes, she has to try to stir things up so she doesn't feel so abnormal. Of course, I'm no psychiatrist, but that's my take on her. I suppose the situation for others is quite varied.
#11 tequila_sunrise Jan 15, 2010 20:13:15	What Shiftkitty said. My mother-in-law is like that. She grew up in a loud, abusive home and was a child-abuser herself. She can't stand that her sons have created homes where hitting and yelling at each other is NOT the norm, and that the kids don't curse at the parents and only cause the amount of trouble that you would expect normal kids to do as they grow and test their boundaries. If everybody is getting along fine at a family gathering, she has to bring up snide little bits to try to start a fight. She'd escalate it if nobody took the bait, so we started shutting her out by ignoring her and carrying on a conversation as if she wasn't there. As soon as someone leaves the room, she immediately starts bad-mouthing them, even the kids! She'd get vicious with it. This last Christmas she thought she'd insult us by giving us a 50 dollar gift card from Wal-mart because, according to her, we told her we didn't like "dust-catchers". (We never said any such thing.) Rather than argue with her over it, we were delighted to have the gift card. You see, our deep-fryer had just burned out. She was genuinely bothered that we weren't insulted! I feel fortunate to have a relatively sane family. PS: I think a dust-catcher is a vacuum, but it doesn't fit the context. Am I missing something?
#12 grumpycelt Jan 15, 2010 22:59:04	PS: I think a dust-catcher is a vacuum, but it doesn't fit the context. Am I missing something? A dust-catcher is a tackly little bauble, like a ceramic kitty, which is used for decoration but also seems to collect more dust than is fair.