Okay, I apologize if this isn't the right forum to be asking for advice, but I really need some help.
I've been interested in D&D for awhile, as well as having plenty of character concepts brewing in my head. Unfortunately, I've never actually gotten to play. While at times it's been because the DM had to cancel the campaign, alot of times I've been the one to back out (never last minute, thank goodness, they've always been able to find a replacement).
You see, I'm extremely shy, as well as being a girl (Not meant to be at all a sexist comment, I'll explain why it matters further down).
I'm completely at a loss. Everytime I even try to join a group, I get really nervous. I can just imagine scrambling around looking for that one elusive rule or power description while a bunch of strangers stare at me. It makes me shudder just to think about it. And on top of this, I've heard horror strories about girl gamers getting stuck with pervert players or sicko DMs. This is something I'd like to avoid at all costs. In the end, I haven't gotten up the courage to ever actually go to a D&D session.
Does anybody have any advice? I feel like I must be crazy to be so anxious about joining a D&D game.
my way to beat the shyness was to found an own group with my best friends. we all "social cripples" so we talk the same lauguage. the best thing ist that we are a bunch of the sickest power gamer ever.
As above, play with your friends...
Alternatively, ask if you can just sit and watch the first two or so games; that'll allow you to get used to the people so you'll understand that they probably won't care if you fumble a rule and that they (probably) aren't creeps.
Yeah, I'm not sure what to say... this is Dungeons and Dragons, not a football game at the local sports bar. Not only do you have a chance at meeting weirdos and people who may or may not be legally insane, I think you have to accept that you *will* encounter those folks at some time or another within the world of gaming. Fortunately, since the other stereotype of DnDers is that we all are fat and unathletic, you can probably outrun them or at least beat them down. Also, remember that like bears they are as afraid of you as you are of them. Probably more since you have boobies.
You may want to attempt gaming at a FLGS (is that an acronym used here? anyway it stands for "friendly local gaming store"). The quality of DnD is often not high at public places but it does exist and what's more if someone starts to get creepy you've got a whole room full of guys eager to defend your honor and/or find an excuse to get the outcast kicked out (not you in this case, the creep). You'll also probably eventually get recruited for a private game at someone's house. Relax! Those invitations only turn out to be 1 on 1 sessions where the DM is naked the whole time like what, 15% of the time max. At least that's my experience. I'm not a girl so yours may end up differing a bit. So long as you don't accept the invitation of the guy who thought it was too hot at the FLGS and took his shirt off.
Somethinge else you could consider is going to an online game ... a Play-by-post at a message board or a Play-by-Email you set up with some people. No one needs to know much about you, and you've dropped the 'social' aspect since it's not face-to-face. Don't know if there's a place here (I think there used to be), but it shouldn't be too hard to find some games via searching.
Note that JohnnySlick is going with a bit of humorous hyperbole here.
Personally, I've found that a useful way to get through shyness is to have a friend that you already know and trust to take you to these things. (I'm generally in this one as the friend, but it does work.) That way you know you've got someone there who has your back if anything creepy starts happening. If you don't have any gaming buddies, try just hanging out at the FLGS for a while. It'll let you actually meet and get to know some of these people in safe surroundings that don't actually require you to know any rules up front.
As far as the "Scrambling around to read the rules" thing goes, ask to play light a bit first. Ask for a nice, simple NPC to run a time or two so that you can have the experience of it, without having to worry about scrambling through rulebooks. If you state outright that you don't know the rules very well, most groups will have at least one person who has spent *way* too much time learning the rules (like me!) who will be more than happy to walk you through anythign you might be interested in.
Yes. It's true. Pervert players and sicko DMs do exist, along with whole hosts of other social fails. It's not most of us, or even all that many of us, but it's a very real and reasonable concern, and it's good to take precautions. This is yet another reason it's useful to get to know people first and/or to go with a friend. Also useful to be sure that transportation home for the first session or two of any group not at FLGS is under your control, so that you can just walk away if it gets too creepy.
Essentially, there's this nifty thing that you're interested, and would probably have a lot of fun with, and you have a *lot* of different anxieties about it. Work your way in slowly, so you can deal with one thing at a time, and there won't be so much to work through at any given step. Take adequate precautions along the way and you won't have as much anxiety because you'll be better prepared to deal with what comes.
Well, for shyness I reccomend a minimum of four Gurren Lagann marathons :D.
As for the finding a group thing, I say just go for it. Worst case scenario, you can drop out. The power thing is fairly easily remedied; just copy relevant info for each power onto a note card, or invest in the character builder. Any playgroup worth it's salt shouldn't make a huge deal of you occasionally needing to look up or ask about a rule, though if you foresee a situation you wanna know about, I generally reccomend looking up the rule during other people's turn when at all possible.
Coming from another girl, I have some advice of my own:
I used to be VERY shy as well. And I have small problems with paranoia as well. The way I dealt with it was that I became the resident rules-person for my play group. If I know the rules best, then I don't have to worry so much about people calling me out on something I forget. It also serves double duty: the GM appreciates it when I can help him out with a rules question while he gets to continue GMing the game (He's a wicked nice guy... just... doesn't do rules very well, but he's getting better)
Shyness itself is harder. Even now, when I'm meeting people for the first time, I tend to clam up, not talk to people, stand in the corner, or cling to people I know. But the best way to deal with it (that I've found, Your Mileage May Vary), was to get into a more social environment more often. Drama club during high school helped me IMMENSELY. I got to be in a group of people, and interact, but I wasn't necessarily myself, I was playing a character.
In any case, I managed to develop a nice social circle, and was able to break so far out of my shell.
As others have said, play with your social circle. Sit in on a couple of sessions to see how they play, if they're hardcore rules-people, ask for a little leeway before diving in completely. The person who suggested running an NPC every now and then had an excellent suggestion. And again, as someone else has said: you can always drop out.
But here's a point of advice as far as the boys go: Don't jump to conclusions. Just because they're boys and play D&D doesn't mean they're perverted. Sure, there will be the occasional joke or something, but if you perceive everything they say and do as sexual, then you're view can become colored by that.
Self-fulfilling prophesies are ugly that way. Pre-conceptions create fact sometimes. That isn't to say, however, that you should let them get away with everything. If they say or do something that truly offends you, tell them. ASAP, I don't care if its in character or out of character. Pull them aside at the next convenient moment and tell them EXACTLY what they did to make you feel uncomfortable. If they try to defend the actions of a PC saying it was "in character," ask them to try to be less explicit next time or whatever, and inform them that sometimes it's more effective to be subtle. If they're reasonable people (and most people are), then it should be the last time you have to worry about that.
That being said: Still trust your instincts. If you feel there's something not right about someone, keep an eye on them (subtly, or course, no need to make someone feel alienated without true cause). And if they consistently make you feel uncomfortable (harrassment, etc.), deal with it. Tell them. Tell the GM. And if it remains a problem, there's legal actions you can take, though I recommend leaving that until its your last resort.
The other thing you could consider is trying to recruit another girl to a group the next time an opportunity presents itself. That way you have a "buddy" and can both tackle challenges together. Bonus points if the other girl already knows how to play.
Ok. I'm off my high horse now. Sorry if I sounded preachy or anything.
Side note: this is a fine place to post for questions of this nature. You might also want to try Astrid's Parlor.
I'll admit I don't have a huge amount of experience with IRL groups, and the ones I was in I always knew atleast one person beforehand.
But I'd suggest to look into an online group. You got more time to look up things when you need to, the social aspect is less obvious, and atleast I've found that in games run without a voicechat software (like skype.) actually tends to have more RP in them than normal groups.
But no matter what you do I wish you luck, and try to relax, most gamers aren't creeps or pervs, most are fairly normal guys and girls. ^^
As for looking up the rules, and such, if the group knows your new to the hobby when they invite you, there likely prepared to accept that you will re-act a little slower then experienced players, and perhaps need to spend more time looking up rules. They will likely even help you become more prepared, or offer up the rules you need to know before you look.
Most gamers I find are fairly tolerant. Teaching a new player & bringing someone into this hobby is an honor that most should accept. If there not tolerant of your newness, it may be best to just look for a different group. But odds are, if they invited you, they’re willing to accept that you will come with a D&D learning curve.
The very best advice I can give is to play with friends. Because you already know these people. So see if they'd be interested in giving a game of D&D a shot.
I'm not a girl, but I also deal with severe shyness. When I was first getting into the hobby, I contacted a local hobby store and found out they ran D&D games on Saturday evenings. The store owner put me in contact via email with one of the members and I was invited to play. My first session with them, I knew none of the rules. In fact, my first night, the group member I'd contacted was willing to meet me at the store beforehand to help me create my character. I stuck close to that member all night, and she helped explain all the rules to me and what die I should be rolling when and what I should be adding to the die roll.
This created a very stress-free environment for me. The fact that I was in a store surrounded by people didn't bother me - I was in a group of about 10 other people that were all there for the same "geeky" reason I was: to play D&D. I didn't know any of the rules, but it didn't matter because other people in the group knew them well enough that if I asked how to handle a specific situation, they could tell me without having to look it up.
My advice is to find a game at a local hobby/gaming store. Most of these places let you play for free. The store I was at did. Of course, I always tried to buy a little something everytime I was there, even if it was just a can of soda or a candy bar as a kind of thank you for letting me play for free.
I advise this over getting a group of friends together for one reason: you've said you don't want everyone waiting on you while you flip through the book to look for a ruling. Chances are that if you get a bunch of friends that have never played before together, that will happen. If you join a group of players that are already familiar with the rules, this won't be the case.
Internet play is another good way to go if you don't want to go to (or can't find) a local hobby/gaming store.
Also on the roleplaying side, you could also try playing a character who is shy. Or introverted. Or quietly mysterious what have you. This would allow you to not worry about being in character as much since it's something you're familiar with and you could then focus on following the rules. As a player and DM anyway, in my experience, some of the funnest games I ever had were with people who were new to the game. Being new might make you inexperienced, but it also can make you less jaded and more willing to step outside of the box with ideas. I often enjoy playing with people like that as it reminds me of why I like playing in the first place. There's something to be said for a fresh perspective!!!
Wow! Thanks for all the suggestions guys! (My internet's been out for most of today and half of yesterday, which is why it's taken me so long to reply).
I've tried starting a group with my friends, but, well... They gave me the 'are you crazy' look. Course, I give them the same look when they suggest I go to a Anime Convention with them ("In costume, of course"), so I guess we're even.
The FLGS here is really great. The owners (I think they're married, actually) are always nice to me even though I barely make eye contact. I just get really nervous. But, they're having a LFR event this weekend with at least three tables going, so I may just stop by and take a look. It sounds really interesting.
Thanks on the advice about avoiding uncomfortable situations. It's just one of those things that worry me. I think I'll stick with public games at the FLGS.
I've been trying my best to come out of my shell this year, and I think some of the clubs I've joined are really helping.
And thanks a ton on the tips for avoiding the lost-rule situation. I was always looking for a use for all those notecards they put on the class supplies list but never actually have you use during the class. 
If playing with a group doesn't work out, I'll definitely check out play-by-post groups.
Thank you all again for the wonderful advice and encouragement! It's really helped me to feel better about trying to join a D&D group. I truly appreciate it!
Sounds good. Let us know how it works out. I for one am interested to see if you find a good group, and what kind of character you decide to play.
It might also be good to note that internet play is not limited to play-by-post. There are some good programs out there that make online play effective and fun. In the two groups I play with online, we use a program called Fantasy Grounds (www.fantasygrounds.com/) as the key means of play, along with Skype for communication. If you go to their forums, in fact, you can find all sorts of players and GMs trying to set up game groups.
Just another option to check out, if you find yourself uncomfortable with the players at your local hobby shop.
I've tried starting a group with my friends, but, well... They gave me the 'are you crazy' look. Course, I give them the same look when they suggest I go to a Anime Convention with them ("In costume, of course"), so I guess we're even.
Have your friends heard of an animated series called Slayers? It's basically a Dungeons and Dragons story/quest that was adapted into an anime. Very funny, I definitely recommend checking it out some time, especially if you can get your friends involved. If your friends are already into this series, you could suggest that you do a Slayers-themed quest, rather than a vanilla DnD one. They might be more open to role-playing if it included anime elements or archetypes. Meeting them half-way, as it were.
Another obvious meeting point of the roleplayer and anime camps is Record of Lodoss War. It's even got Drow =P.
It might also be good to note that internet play is not limited to play-by-post. There are some good programs out there that make online play effective and fun. In the two groups I play with online, we use a program called Fantasy Grounds (www.fantasygrounds.com/) as the key means of play, along with Skype for communication. If you go to their forums, in fact, you can find all sorts of players and GMs trying to set up game groups.
Just another option to check out, if you find yourself uncomfortable with the players at your local hobby shop.
Wow! Just from a cursory glance, it looks awesome! I'll definitely have to take a better look.
Have your friends heard of an animated series called Slayers? It's basically a Dungeons and Dragons story/quest that was adapted into an anime. Very funny, I definitely recommend checking it out some time, especially if you can get your friends involved. If your friends are already into this series, you could suggest that you do a Slayers-themed quest, rather than a vanilla DnD one. They might be more open to role-playing if it included anime elements or archetypes. Meeting them half-way, as it were.
Another obvious meeting point of the roleplayer and anime camps is Record of Lodoss War. It's even got Drow =P.
I'll have to ask them if they've heard of those. I'm not exactly as into anime and manga as they are and kind of zone out whenever the conversation takes a turn in that direction.
Or Record of Lodoss War ... IIRC, that was an AD&D campaign as well.
Last I checked, these were both older series, so depending on their age they might not have seen them. Darn kids and their rock music and anime with a decent animation budget. Never seen Lodoss War, never seemed like my thing, but I will double reccomend Slayers.
Try asking some of the people at the FLGS for game advice on how to learn the rules. Now, this isn't dissing the advice here, but more of a preminilary "Are you a good gamer, or a bad gamer" test. If they act condescending, well, you know who to avoid! If they can't make eye contact, well, yeah. Perhaps do this while looking over people's shoulders at the games.
Also consider bringing a friend, if any of your group have shown interest.
When you do get into a game, consider sending your build to CharOp. (The character optimization boards) Now, introducing yourself as a newbie player and whipping out some CharOp monster may not be the best manners. But chances are, if something is illegal, they'll catch it and point it out.
Alternatively, ask your anime friends about playing Exalted, it's not D&D but it's still roleplaying and that game has a very over-the-top anime feel to it.
Well, they haven't heard of Slayers before, but they're going to take a look. I think it might just be enough to get them into D&D if they like it. I've taken a look myself and it sounds pretty cool. Who knows, maybe it'll get me interested in Anime and Manga.
Exalted? That's by White Wolf, right?
Yeah, it is.
Here's a link to Wikipedia about it:
Yeah, it is.
Here's a link to Wikipedia about it:
Thanks!
An update on how the LFR event turned out-
I showed up and got to play. I have one word to describe it all.
AWESOME!
Despite being initially concerned about the lack of other girl gamers (there was only one, and she was at an already full table), I got put with a group of really nice players and a patient DM. They were really polite, as well as more than willing to wait for me to make decisions on what to do. Two of the other players were also in my age group, so I didn't feel nessacarily like the youngest.
I ended up with a Pre-Gen controller, because the two I had rolled up were strikers and they already had too many (plus a Pre-Gen is a little easier to keep track of when it comes to abilities, powers, ect).
It was a ton of fun, as most of the people at the table had good senses of humor and kept it fairly clean. There were so many quotes that still make me laugh. Such as...
*After my character has been knocked unconsious in one hit by a fey humanoid*
DM: *to the minotaur barbarian* Your turn. What do you want to do?
Player: In a fit of rage, I charge... Wait... *to me* Is it okay if I stand on your character as I attack him?
DM: *to him and laughing a bit* She's unconsious. She doesn't care. Besides, you're a barbaric minotaur.
Player: *to him* Yeah, but I'm a polite barbaric minotaur.
Or
Me: *after we've begun fighting a wyrmling and two characters are unconsious* You guys sure we shouldn't try diplomacy on him? Get him to stop attacking us?
Other Player (I'm having trouble remembering who it was, exactly): Naw, we've been trying to kill it.
*One of the characters makes a very successful attack against the wyrmling, doing a fairly high amount of damage of which it's vulnerable to*
Player: Is it bloodied yet?
DM: No.
Me: You guys still sure diplomacy isn't a good option?
OR (Promise, this is the last one)
*As the evil tribal leader marches past us*
DM: Okay, all of you roll d20s.
*We all roll*
Beastmaster Hunter (also a new player): Yes! Nat 20!
DM: You're closest, then... He turns on you, sorry! *after the player gives him a horrified expression* Just kidding!
It was truly a great game, and I was a little sad when the session ended. I can't wait for the next LFR event, when I'll have my newly created character, a wizard, ready for play.
Thank you all for the advice and support! I really appreciate it!
I'm glad you enjoyed your first session! It only gets better from here on out. I think you'll enjoy playing a wizard.
As funny as it sounds i met my GF through my DnD group. We've been dating for almost a year now.
First make sure you know the group you are playing with, if you are playing with a group of people you don't know it can be very trying. Make sure you know at least one person in the group, sit next to them, they will help you.
Contrary to popular belief, most girls in DnD are treated with a lot of respect, (jokingly) due to the fact that there are usually less women to men who play.
Everyone has been there when you first started to play, you maybe slower than everyone else but through constructive criticism you become better. Its one of those games that the best way to learn is through mistakes, and trust me even those of us that have been playing for years and years still make them. Mistakes are good, they won't expect you to be perfect.
If the atmospere is not right for you, thats alright too, each group is diferent. find the one that works for you
Well, they haven't heard of Slayers before, but they're going to take a look. I think it might just be enough to get them into D&D if they like it. I've taken a look myself and it sounds pretty cool. Who knows, maybe it'll get me interested in Anime and Manga.
Exalted? That's by White Wolf, right?
If you like a DnD style Anime/Manga a funny one to get is Lewie the Rune Solider. .Hack is another good one.
I ended up with a Pre-Gen controller, because the two I had rolled up were strikers and they already had too many (plus a Pre-Gen is a little easier to keep track of when it comes to abilities, powers, ect).
Actually, I think you lucked out a bit there. I really think a first-time player - but I mean, very literally, FIRST time player; you no longer qualify - is better off with a character that was pre-generated by the DM (who is presumed to be competent). That way you get a player that is completely built and self-coherent, and will be functional in the scenario the DM is planning on running. Plus the DM will probably be able to advise on all your powers and how they interact without having to look things up.
On top of which, quite a lot of people building their own first character with no experience will gravitate toward strikers because they look easy. And in fact strikers are the easiest role to build and play adequately, so looks aren't particularly deceiving.
But other roles can be lots of fun, even (sometimes "particularly") if played a bit less than adequately, and strikers aren't noticeably easier than other roles to build and play well.
So here you went in with two strikers you'd built yourself, and now with some experience you're switching to a wizard? Excellent...
I'll also advise you to keep your character fairly simple for now. In 4e, simple does not mean weak. Don't build a hybrid, and don't think about multiclassing until you have played through at least a couple levels.
Just for reference, I played for several years a long time ago ago and then again about 6 years ago, and had been back into it for six months before I first played in a 4e game session - a single-shot where everyone got pregenned characters. Even just changing versions I think having the pregenned characters was a good move.
Warning - if you're going to post a character on the CharOp boards, be *very* *clear* up front about what sort of a question you're asking. The whole theme of CharOp is making characters as powerful as they can possibly be. If that's not your goal, I might suggest that you go with the board for your role. (ie, controller/defender/striker/leader)
Okay, I apologize if this isn't the right forum to be asking for advice, but I really need some help.
I've been interested in D&D for awhile, as well as having plenty of character concepts brewing in my head. Unfortunately, I've never actually gotten to play. While at times it's been because the DM had to cancel the campaign, alot of times I've been the one to back out (never last minute, thank goodness, they've always been able to find a replacement).
You see, I'm extremely shy, as well as being a girl (Not meant to be at all a sexist comment, I'll explain why it matters further down).
I'm completely at a loss. Everytime I even try to join a group, I get really nervous. I can just imagine scrambling around looking for that one elusive rule or power description while a bunch of strangers stare at me. It makes me shudder just to think about it. And on top of this, I've heard horror strories about girl gamers getting stuck with pervert players or sicko DMs. This is something I'd like to avoid at all costs. In the end, I haven't gotten up the courage to ever actually go to a D&D session.
Does anybody have any advice? I feel like I must be crazy to be so anxious about joining a D&D game.
Game with friends or family you trust, or failing that, try to find games with other girls already as members, or even better, yet rarer in my experience, a female DM. Finding a well established game can help too, as it shouldn't have stability issues and be able to weather a new player easily.
By and large you will find that many D&D players can be very friendly and outgoing, and will help you understand the rules better. In this regard being a girl can help extra, as guys in groups tend to trip over themselves to be chivalric and helpful particularly to females in group, of course this has been my experience. Hope it helps and good luck 8).