Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 princess_artemis Apr 05, 2010 22:40:22	.
#2 brassbaboon Apr 05, 2010 22:59:46	When I first started playing D&D, back when we used clay tablets and flint tools, I was way too attached to my first characters. When the first one died, I was actually upset and unhappy. I had invested so much time into perfecting that character that it felt like I had wasted days of my life. Worse, I was heavily into role playing and had created an entire persona around that character and suddenly that character was no longer there. It took a while to get over it. The insensitive way to answer your question is to say "once a few of your characters die, you'll get over it." The more sensitive way is to talk about how the opportunity is there to appreciate a great character while creating entirely new and equally exciting and interesting characters. There are always other characters, and some of them will be ones you remember forever. I still have my character sheet for the first character I ever rolled up. I probably will never play him again, but when I'm flipping through my library of characters, he is still on the "active list" regardless. But over time I developed and played many other characters, and some of them were just as much fun and just as engaging as my first character, so eventually I learned to appreciate them without fixating on them. After all they are just extensions of roles you want to play, and there are so many roles available that you'll never play them all. About a year ago I got the opportunity to play in an all-day 3.5 session. Since it was a one-shot deal, I decided to just try out a specific concept I wanted to try, which happened to be a gnome rogue. As I worked out the character and started rolling him up, I started really liking the little dude. I found myself getting more into the character development than I had in a while. Figuring that he might be usable in other campaigns, I went all out and created a fully fleshed out character with personality, quirks and even set up some catch-phrases he liked to use. Then we finally started to play, and he was a hoot! He worked to near-perfection according to the concept, and he quickly proved to be the most interesting and effective character in the party. Within an hour or so the other players were calling him "Gil the wonder gnome." He had a knack for pulling off the most difficult moves. At one point the entire party was pinned down by goblins hiding behind barrels in a storage room, and without full cover, the goblins were picking the party apart. Gil, a rogue, had full ranks in hide and move silently, and when the ambush was set off, he knocked over a barrel of flour and in the cloud of smoke he managed to make a hide check and ended up directly in front of the barrels the goblins were using as cover. When it was clear that the goblins were going to TPK the party unless someone did something, he took advantage of a distraction as the party pretended to charge the goblins, leaped up and over the barrels with a max tumble check, landed behind one of the goblins and one-shot him with sneak attack. The remaining goblins were then forced to split their attention between Gil and the pinned down party. Deciding one goblin could take on Gil, the rest of the goblins kept firing on the party. Gil then critted the second goblin in the next round, killing him instantly. With that the party decided to charge the remaining goblins. In the end Gil killed all but one of the goblins single-handedly. This sort of thing repeated itself several times. Finally we reached the final BBEG fight, which was against an orc-shaman if I recall. The DM misread the spell "darkness" and misread the spell "blindfight" and the orc shaman TPK'd the party. Last to go was Gil, who dodged and leaped from place to place while shooting his bow until he virtually singlehandedly took the orc shaman to 3 hit points. Then, just as victory was in his sight, Gil fell victim to a final axe blow from the shaman. The TPK was complete. Gil could have probably run and survived, but that wasn't Gil's style. So I was bummed, but then again, Gil the wonder gnome never had a bad day. He has a special place in our group's pantheon of heroes. Nobody was ever as good as Gil the wonder gnome. Nobody probably ever will be as good. And in the end, that was good enough for me.
#3 brassbaboon Apr 05, 2010 23:41:29	Back in the early days, dying was actually bad. My first two characters were a pair of boyhood friends, one becoming a fighter and one becoming a wizard. Our first group was too small to field a full party so I had to play two characters at once, and I chose to have them be best of friends. That was when if you died you lost everything you had, and lost constitution points even if you could be raised from the dead. The spell "raise dead" cost a fortune, far more than a lowly second level wizard and fighter could afford. I was young and had poured my heart and soul into them, and was enjoying playing D&D as much as I had enjoyed any game in a long time. I agonized as they went through encounters. Back then if you hit zero hit points, you were dead. No "unconscious" no "death saving throw" you just died. Well, one day the inevitable happened. The fighter was attempting to hold off a giant scorpion. The scorpion nailed him. He failed his saving throw. The poison killed him. Dead. Just like that. I retained enough self-control to role play my wizard's reaction. Wizards in those days had only a couple of piddling spells, and he had already used his. Nevertheless he joined the remaining party flailing with his staff until we killed the scorpion. But it was too late. The wizard hauled the body of his friend out of the cave and back to town. He begged the local clerics for a raise dead, but without the appropriate donation, nobody would cast the spell. Eventually the time period for raise dead passed. The wizard then saved every penny he could for several levels until he could afford a "resurrection" spell. That spell had a small chance of failure, upon which the body would be reduced to dust. It failed. I have to admit I was not happy. I had really enjoyed not just the fighter as a character, but enjoyed the interplay between the wizard and the fighter. They were a sort of Huck Finn and Tom Sawyer pair. But now he was permanently and eternally dead. After literally months of real time and years of game time of the wizard hauling the bones of his friend around to one day be able to cast resurrection, my wizard snapped. He went insane actually, and I've role played him as insane ever since. He's unbelievably fun to play, and he never would have developed into the complex and interesting character that he did if that hadn't happened. In the end I realized that the death of his friend made his own story that much more compelling. But it took me a while to realize that. My older brother, who introduce me to the game, recommended that I put my wizard aside for a while and create some totally new characters and play a different campaign. I did so, and it only took a short while to realize what good advice that was. Soon I had a totally new pair of fun and interesting characters to play. After that campaign (another where I had to play two characters) we went back to the world of the insane wizard and dead fighter and restarted the campaign. I found that although I was still very much attuned to the wizard, I no longer had that same emotional investment.  Having played with different characters and developing similar interest and enjoyment with them, I no longer felt that the wizard was really an extension of my own personality, and that's when I really began to learn how to play this game. As I said, that wizard became the most compelling and interesting character I've ever played. His insanity is an integral part of his character and has resulted in some of the most interesting sessions I've ever played in. As I said in my previous post, he is still around, and if I can ever figure out how, and get the chance, I'll convert him to 4e or 5e and he'll get another whack at adventuring. But ever since then I've been able to keep my own personality separate from my characters. And my enjoyment of the game has improved immeasurably because of it.
#4 w00f Apr 06, 2010 0:44:10	This is a wee bit off topic, but all of the DMs I've played with, myself included, have generally gone to fairly great lengths to make sure PCs don't die. Drop, sure, encounter debilitating effects, alright, but die outright? The philosophy my group takes with regards to this is that a DM shouldn't kill players just for luck or fun. If a player does something stupid, sure, it's his behind, but if it's just a standard encounter and all the PCs crit miss and all the enemies crit, fudging those crit roles would almost be expected. There was even one character I can remember, a gnoll paladin, a character both I and the DM absolutely loved, who should most certainly have died. He pledged himself to help some group of people that had been wronged by some other group of people, and that eventually meant going into true war with them, something that was incredibly deadly especially since I think I was, like, effective level 5 or so at the time with the racial level penalty (this was 3rd edition). The rest of the party knew it was suicide and refused to help me (save for, oddly enough, the rogue), but my paladin was honor bound to it and so he went. To make a long story short, the DM basically retconned me and the rogue into having healing potions in order to keep us alive, and even with that we barely escaped. At the time I was happy for it, since that was one of my favorite characters, but now I'm not so sure... I've never experienced a character's death and in truth I kinda want to just to have that experience. Sure you're attached to your character, most good players are, but there will be more characters if yours should fall, and you can get attached to them too. I've played many, many games and have created countless characters. I'm attached to most of them, and probably wouldn't like it too much if they were to die, but at the same time, what's the fun of the game without a little risk? With that said, I'll say that I don't particularly advocate the "DM as a babysitter" method. Some rolls should be fudged in some cases, but I think in general the drama of the story being told through the game depends on the possibility of death, and that possibility should be realized sometimes. I, as a DM, have always feared that if I killed off a character that character's player would be crestfallen. Perhaps, however, that is an irrational fear, since I've killed two characters in my career as a DM and neither of their players were particularly peeved.
#5 Ventus_Frago Apr 06, 2010 6:38:48	From reading your post this doesn't seem like something that can be solved in a game setting. You sound as if you are in pain and whatever you are doing while playing this role-playing game is making your issue's worse. Seek professional counseling -- you are not your character. The whole point is to play characters/people who are not you and it seems as if  you are slipping down a dangerous precipice. Role-playing games are not meant as group therapy. I apologize If this sounds harsh, but you might be better served in separating yourself entirely from this character and get out and do something else. Please take care of yourself.
#6 mellored Apr 06, 2010 9:11:05	It's good that your asking for help, I've used to have this problem when i was younger and watched scary movies.  The solution..  stop, and look around, smell the flowers, ect.. Look at the other players and realise that their just saying stuff. Look at the pizza box and realise that you better grab the last slice before it's gone. Look out the window and realise that it's raining and you forgot to bring an umbrella. Look at the miniatures and realise the paint job is good but the sword is at an odd angle. Notice the world your actually in, and it will help distance you from the one in your mind. If that fails, i would suggest you follow ventus's advice and seek professional counseling.
#7 brassbaboon Apr 06, 2010 9:45:00	Princess: I invoked character death to demonstrate what is usually the toughest emotional blow that someone has with a character. The issue with the wizard I described above is perhaps closer to your situation. My investment in the wizard, especially after the fighter's death, was becoming unhealthy, and visibly so to the group so that the DM pretty much suspended that campaign until I got over it. It wasn't character death that was the issue, the problem at that time was that I was so in my wizard's head that I was obsessing on it even away from the game table. It just had to be dealt with. Of course I was a lot younger then. It sounds like your case is more of a situation where you are either consciously or unconsciously allowing your character to parallel some real life emotional issues. That isn't necessarily bad, but it isn't necessarily good either. Back in the 80s there was a move in psychotherapy to role play situations to try to reach some resolution to issues that were difficult to approach directly, in fact some therapists even used RPG type scenarios to role play interactions. It sounds like your unresolved personal issues have been introduced into the game. I'm not a therapist, and it may indeed be a good idea for you to see one as was suggested above. My layman's thought is that if this is something that is really giving you trouble personally, then the game should be a way to get away from that, not a way to reinforce it. One of the things I learned with my wizard's situation is that my real life has enough angst and suffering, I no longer allow that to take place in the game. The game is my relief from real life, and if it's not giving me a break from the things that are bugging me, I'll change something so that it does. If that means abandoning a character, I'd do so in a heartbeat. In your situation I'd probably do everything possible to have my character in the game be happy-go-lucky, self-confident and maybe even a bit of comic relief.
#8 sobchak Apr 06, 2010 9:49:26	Can you discuss this with your DM?  Even if you do not want it to get personal, you could communicate your discomfort with the story arc.  A good DM wants his/her players to have fun, and should be willing to pull those elements out the game.  Real world issues should not follow you into the game.  At least they should not become the core of your character's experience.  I agree with the suggestions that you seek counseling if you cannot quickly break out of this pattern.  In play, players are pulled and pushed into all types of uncomfortable situations.  I suspect your issue is an intense one, and that setting up boundaries would be reasonable. I don't agree that a situation can't be retconned.  The story can be changed in a moment. Considering the grounds of fantasy narrative, anything the DM and players can imagine can happen. Yes it could perhaps be disruptive to the story, but everyone can suspend thier disbelief and move on.  If you really believe that the situation can't be changed, seek counseling.  Change characters.  Just don't stay in an unhealthy place.  Try and find a way to tell a healthier story for you and your character. And don't be surprised or shocked if you get some less than sensitive or tough love attitudes from the community depending on who posts here.
#9 w00f Apr 06, 2010 13:26:34	Wait, is this perhaps a problem mostly with the DM rather than with your ability to handle stuff that's happened to the character? If so you might want to try finding a new game. Or you could sit down and have a serious chat with the DM rather than dropping subtle hints that he might be going too far. It seems from what you're saying that the DM is making bad, angst inducing thing happen to your characters at every possible opportunity. Would you mind telling us exactly what's going on with your character in his game? o.o
#10 DrWorm Apr 06, 2010 13:51:43	I don't mean to sound harsh, but it sounds to me like you need help from someone vastly more qualified than any of us on this board.   If you are getting THAT emotionally invesited in a fictional character you might need psychiatric help.  I am an RN and I hear real people's tragic and joyful stories all day, sometimes following them for months at a time.  Ultimately, though, I have to go home and be part of my family at the end of the day, and the patient will eventually discharge or die; and I have to not take that burdon on myself emotionally.  I would be useless to my other patients and my family if I let the shared experiences and personal connections I have with one patient debilitate me.  You really need to learn some basic compartmentalizing techniques.
#11 mellored Apr 06, 2010 14:39:31	Don't "hold out till things get better".  There's nothing good about suffering for the sake of suffering, you benifit no one, least of all yourself.  Either say "i'm not going to play till things get better" (find a new, less angsty group/DM), or "i'm going to learn how to deal with this" (or a combination of both). Though you may want to hold off till you have (professional) help to do the second option.
#12 w00f Apr 06, 2010 16:53:52	In my humble opinion, then, I'd think that the most elegant solution would be simply to speed up the "out" the DM has planned for your character in order to simply eliminate the problem then and there. Maybe you could urge your DM to get into that after your current story arc is settled or something? Or, if it's a long story arc, to weave it into the current one? That is, of course, if you indeed plan to stay in the game since numerous people have suggested it may be a good idea for you to quit entirely. Personally, I think that may be a bit extreme, but then again I've never really had the feelings you seem to be having towards the game, nor am I a psychiatrist o.o
#13 johnkretzer Apr 06, 2010 18:24:56	w00f, it might be a combination, but I'm certain that it's a good bit me.  I don't think the DM goes out of his way to do bad angsty things to our characters whenever the opportunity strikes, though he does get real angsty when he does do the bad angsty things.  That may be because we roleplay heavily when he's not there and are sometimes inflicting angst on each other, though it's more on a misunderstandings level, not a bad horrible things happen level...then again, we are in control of those situations so we can self regulate what is too much for us.  Short version of the problem I'm getting most tangled up with here is that my character's fey patron is not the capricious, sometimes mean, but ultimately 'good' creature he thought it was, but a dangerous soul-destroying monster that he has no idea when it's going to 'eat' him and take over the shell of his body.  He feels pretty helpless about it because he has no clue how to get out of this predicament.  That may sound like it's silly, but there is a big ugly it's never going away issue in my life that I get to feeling pretty helpless about at times, so the vastly different situations feel similar in some ways by their inescapability.  The DM does have plans for an out for my character, but...knowing that doesn't really help. Personaly I agree with everyone here...quit and get help.  If you can not separate you character angst and your own D&D might not be the game for you.  Or atleast this particular D&D game.  And really the game does not need anymore bad press because of this. ;) If you plan on staying though...then for the situration above instead of waiting for the DM to do his plot become proactive.  Start looking for ways to beat this fate.  I mean you are feeling angst in a situration that you need not feel angst.  Obvisously the DM know is not unbeatable...so why is character assuming it is?
#14 kouk Apr 06, 2010 20:54:23	I agree you should see a professional, and just stop playing that character (if possible to not leave you on some cliffhanger that's somehow worse). There are topics that are "out of bounds" for all players. Usually campaigns aren't all that deep and emotional, or where the DM messes with a character's backstory. Unless the DM has their permission, it's a really bad idea to mess with a player's character's backstory in general (many, many reasons, your issue being perhaps the most extreme but not unique), and I can only imagine most of that happening *is* out of your control and not something you wrote down on your backstory. Some games are "heavy" with a lot of roleplaying, and/or a lot of real-life social issues like pervasive poverty, drugs, hopeless slavery, sexual things, torture described in great detail etc. That's usually quite the minority of games because it makes *most* players uncomfortable to even deal with that in any but the most glossed-over way. The point of my saying that was because games are different, DMs are different, Players are different. If this is sort of a theme of this DM's campaign that bad stuff continually happens to good people (essentially), then you should excuse yourself entirely. Doesn't matter if your character's issue is resolved, because something else bad will happen immediately after. It doesn't matter how "understanding" the DM is in real life, he can't accommodate the kind of game you would be more comfortable with; and if the other players are on a similar page as him it would be a bit unfair to them too to have the whole thing change course. From what you've said, that guy's game is EXTREMELY emotionally heavy. Personally I think it's best not to even *try* to "resolve" your character's issue in the campaign. Don't go back to that DM's game, or even the group probably. That's like emotional gambling, hoping everything works out when it probably won't work out to your liking. Either way it's a lose/lose situation for you. The normal advice for being too attached to a character is, as was mentioned, to make some other characters, try to get in some other games. Particularly, make characters that don't resemble you much at all, because the game works best when it's about escapism and not realism. If you're a small, timid person, make a big dumb barbarian character, etc. But that's honestly for much shallower reasons than you seem to have; usually it's more for players worrying about the character getting killed off and not being able to go adventuring for a long time if at all. Players are there to be powerful, wealthy, badass superheroes, not deal with the daily grind, family problems or anything else they have in "real life." If it's touching on "real" emotions, don't do whatever you're doing. Again, D&D isn't therapy in any way. It can be a stress reliever after a bad day at work to beat the crap out of orcs and goblins and take their stuff, but it won't solve any of your problems. Don't look for the game to do anything aside from being a game. Putting a character "on hold" indefinitely isn't necessarily a bad thing, unless it will somehow eat at you. Things don't get any "worse" for that character, and you can assume they just get better. The character rides off into the sunset, and things eventually work out. Maybe they then become ruler of a nation and make everyone there happy. Whatever. If you have persistent worries that things will just keep going worse for your character even on hold -- then that's a sign quite honestly that it is time for you to check into a facility for a while.
#15 sobchak Apr 06, 2010 21:36:46	I hope things work out for you.  I'm glad you've gotten some good advice by posting here.  It was brave to do so.  I agree with Kouk 's advice, that you should leave that particular game and take break from playing for a bit. And watch out for warlocks in your future games.  The nature of thier pacts and patrons are very enticing as plot hooks for DM's.  They tend to be magnets for the type of situaton you describe.
#16 j-pop_jedi Apr 06, 2010 23:55:27	I think you should try to dm a very small game, possibly with the same group.(heck, maybe with the same characters at much lower level, a sort of prequel) I suggest using goblin pirates(peg legs, eye patches, dead parrots, the peg head goblin who is really dead).  Have them be at odds with the low level pcs for some reason (they stole the ale from the tavern!).  Now the kicker is that they have a secret weapon.  Make this the local gossip.  Make sure you play this to the extreme. The secret weapon is a cannon that launches the goblins, but they die when they are fired out of it.  The weapon is completely ineffective (even to the pcs), the goblins would have been better off just attacking strait out.  Goblins are goblins after all. Okay, joking aside, I prefer dming because I become attached to my characters to some extent.  At least until I settle on something new to play. The DM, however, has infinite characters.  The pcs never have to meet the guy who's pulling the strings, even at the very end of the campaign.  The general rule is to not have DMPCs running around with the pcs.  I strongly agree with this position.  The other thing the DM can do is extend his position on character death to his game.  There's a reason some of us roll behind the screen.(my rule 2 is always fudge in the pcs favor, never against.) So give DMing a shot, and start very small.  (A tavern, a dock, a warehouse, a ship with goblins)  You sound like a natural DM.  Keep the game silly at first, then go in your own direction.  The time you now spend worrying about your character is instead spent thinking up ways to entertain your pcs and designing the world.  Then, if the unthinkable happens to your character in the current game, he can be a cool obi-wanish spirit guide for the pcs in your new game.  Destiny fulfilled.
#17 kouk Apr 07, 2010 2:12:19	It's fine that he may be an understanding, intelligent, funny, etc. person; but that's not necessarily the issue. He (understandably) doesn't know all your real life's background, and certainly doesn't know what you're thinking at any given time. Even if you lay out all sorts of ground rules, it's inevitable that something else will happen because the rules will never cover everything, and you may not even know all the areas yourself. I don't mean to imply he can't "change" and try to accommodate you more, but people can't just do 180 degree turns in an instant. It wouldn't be an immediate change in the entire campaign even if it was all resolved with your current character, and his style would still be similar unconsciously. Men aren't usually know for our "empathy" skills. (Some would say D&D players even less so.) Honestly, I don't think I know what "angst" literally means, at least not without looking it up. It's usually not in our vocabulary. (Something like stress right?) Aside from that, you're hiding your emotions much better than you realize, if you're not throwing things and screaming, and he can't just focus on you the person while running a game session. Professionals quite often can't tell by looking at a person either, even when that is what they're trying to be doing. You are almost certainly overconcerned about his game not continuing without you. First of all, real campaigns rarely "finish," ever. I would estimate maybe one in eight long-lasting campaigns (months to years), or even less of a chance, come to some kind of a "The End" moment before group members move away and have to quit due to their own real life issues, or the DM "burns out" and takes an indefinite break. The odds are ridiculously high he hasn't finished most of his campaigns, as either a player or a DM, so you're not going to be a "bad player" if you have to leave. Often it's better to stop than to continue. And it is possible to do "couple's gaming" with just two partners in a relationship. Solo campaigns have been around forever. A different dynamic, but it's doable. A common phrase is "No D&D is better than Bad D&D." If it's not fun, it's better not to force it, whatever your position in a group. Also, I don't know if it was a typo, but the DM is not really a player of the game he/she runs. I mean, the DM is a player in a D&D game technically, but not a "Player" player. Even if we run a character in the same adventuring group, engage in roleplaying with the players extensively or any other behavior, it's a fundamentally different relationship in that game being run. We literally are not in the players' shoes, at all. What we can do is try to gauge things and anticipate things, "put ourselves" in their place; but it's not the same experience in any way. There are countless stories and threads of DMs being completely baffled by what the heck their Players were doing when they did so-and-so, or thought that-and-that. So he doesn't go through what the players do during a game, no matter how experienced a gamer he may be. When he's on the other side of the screen, or just the table, that's a real division during the game. The whole session feels different. The most simplistic analogy is probably that the DM is "cooking" something he hopes the players will enjoy, but there's no actual recipe, and he isn't allowed to "taste" the finished product in any way. He can "imagine" what the ingredients might taste like all together, even watch the people eating the food to see how they might react -- but it's not quite 100% and he doesn't know what they're "thinking." So, he can't actually "feel" any of the same tensions the Players do (leaving aside that each player is different). A DM doesn't necessarily have to be completely oblivious, but we can't necessarily be aware of everything either, especially if it was unintended.
#18 lionlemur Apr 07, 2010 7:28:37	Artemis, Looking for counseling is an excellent idea, and it feels like you're on track   I actually am a counselor (religious not professional).  I wouldn't presume to try to work with you long distance, but I'll offer a few suggestions that may help while you search out a professional. For a start, take a moment and congratulate yourself.  You've managed to survive some hard and painful situations from your past, and you've come through them.  Even though you've got the scars of your past (and most people do) it has made you a stronger person.  It sounds like you also have a very good friend in this other player (the DM's wife).  Don't be afraid to ask for her help as well as that of your family.  However I'd highly recommend that you DO have a sit down with the DM and talk about what is happening.  Going through his wife for translation is obviously not fixing the issue.  Its not unusual for some new players (especially the ones who are already angst-ridden by past events) to create backstory that brings up issues from their real life past.  Its also not unusual for a DM to notice these plot threads -- there's nothing so compelling as a great backstory -- and try to work that into the plot.  From what you're saying, it sounds like he's a great guy who had no intent of creating havoc in your emotional life, but he doesn't have enough access to your real life backstory to realize how strongly the game life is paralleling your own.  If you feel you can manage it, I'd suggest sitting down with him and explaining how heavy this is getting for you.  My imagining of from what you've said is that the campaign is a bit heavier and darker than he thinks it is, but not so harsh as you are perceiving it - because you're so emotionally connected.  In the end, however, it's dark enough that it's affecting you in an uncomfortable way, and either getting out of it or making it change sound like the healthiest options.  One way or another, its important that you find a way to make yourself safe. As far as the game itself, you have a few options:  1) Keep the game on hiatus until you find a professional and then get their opinion of how to proceed. 2) After explaining to the DM how this is affecting you, ask him if he can manage to find a way of giving your character some small shred of hope to hang onto, some ray of light that lets your character understand that pressing forward is possible.  3) After explaining to the DM how this is affecting you, ask him to put the campaign on "permanent hold" until you can work through your issues.  Apologize for all the work he'll have to do again, and ask that he DM a "lighter" game for a while. 4) After explaining to the DM how this is affecting you, ask him to put the campaign on "permanent hold" until you can work through your issues. Then offer to DM yourself, with the present DM and his wife as players. 5) After explaining to the DM how this is affecting you, ask him to put the campaign on "permanent hold" until you can work through your issues.  Suggest that they join you in this other campaign your're playing. Tricks for dealing with your feelings on the subject until you get help: This is a meditative exercise.  Make sure you're in a safe place for it.  Turn off the phone, get some time alone and ask to not be disturbed.  You might want to have a good friend or loved one nearby, just for a hug or available on the phone to talk afterward, but for now, get a little privacy.  Get yourself a cup of soothing tea.  (I'd suggest mint and/or chamomile.)  Get yourself a box of tissues.  Start by imagining the situation with your character, and spend a moment or two remembering yourself fully in one of the situations where you felt that hurt.  Once you're there, it's time to play with the modalities of that situation.  Start by imagining the scene moving farther and farther away from you.  Across the room, out into another room, all the way across town.  Take note of the difference in how you feel. Bring the situation back up close again.  Pay attention to if it seems different now. Now try the same thing with sound.  Imagine that you have a volume switch.  Turn the switch down so that you can barely hear what the DM is saying and pay attention to how that changes the way it feels to you.  Bring the situation back to normal volume.  Take note of any changes. Now try playing with the "brightness switch".  Make the image in your mind brighter, as if you were standing in sunlight.  Make the image darker and dimmer.  Notice if those changes help the situation feel better or worse.  Bring the brightness back to normal.  Take note of any changes in how you feel or felt during this exercise.  Pay attention to which of these (distance, volume and brightness/dimness) felt the most relaxed and comfortable.  Dial the situation back to that, and leave it there. After this I'd suggest a long luxurious bath, or asking someone for a hug to help ground you a bit. Finding a professional: If money is an issue, you may wish to get ahold of the Board of Health in your area.  Many times they have programs to help you find someone at a reduced cost. Its my personal recommendation that you might also want to look at hypnotherapy as an option, as opposed to a clinical psychologist or therapist.  I've personally witnessed (both for myself and others) hypnosis helping people create changes in their lives that worked within merely one session (though sometimes if there are several issues it may take a few sessions).  Some of those people had been in therapy for years without much improvement.  IMO your end costs will most likely be far less, because you won't be paying for sessions for an extended period of time. If you choose to go that route, when interviewing your potential hypnotist, ask them about the method they use.  I would suggest looking for someone who uses "permissive" hypnosis (as opposed to "authoritative") and someone who is familiar with "Ericksonian hypnosis."  Also ask them about "ethical hypnosis."  (There are certification boards for this.)  If they look at you as if you have three heads or don't know these terms, then I'd go through the yellow pages and call another hypnotist. I hope some of these suggestions help, and feel free to PM me if you wish to.   I'm in the midst of packing for a cross country move, and after next week, my internet will be spotty if at all for possibly the next month, but I'll try to answer any questions I can before I go.
#19 chaosturtle Apr 07, 2010 13:18:41	You're right, I don't want to let them down by calling it off.  I'll do what I need to do if that's what I need to do, but that doesn't mean I'll like it.  I doubt it ever feels good to be the one who ends a year and change worth's of hard work and fun. Real life > Game, you shouldn't have to do something that makes you uncomfortable or causes emotional distress because you don't want to let people down over a game.  I'm not sure what the issue in question is, but its an RL issue, not an in game issue...even if you played a character you never bothered to name because they matter that little to you, you'd be in the same exact boat because once the issue came up it would still affect you.  Contuining to play is only going to increase the exposure to whatever that incident is which will only make the situation worse.  I'd say a ruined story is well worth not having to go through emotional pain, were I the dm in this situation I'd gladly do whatever necessary retconning was needed and make sure nothing remotely close to the incident comes up again in game.
#20 lionlemur Apr 07, 2010 13:26:49	Kouk, I do see where you're coming from.  Mostly I just wanted to let the record show that the DM wasn't (intentionally) running a doom n' gloom game. Honestly we use 'angst' as a joking catch-all description for emotional stuff of various degrees, ranging from the cleric is in a snit because she thought she saw the warlock let his eyes wander to the cute elf barmaid's backside to all-out emotional hell.  It really means "feelings of anxiety, apprehension, or insecurity" according to Webster. I used "player" in its loosest sense.  I hadn't realized until recently how extreme the divide is from player to DM.  Though I have heard after the fact that we haven't picked up on clues he thought were glaringly obvious (such as two Gems of Coloquy having the same language in them in a collection of four being sold at a wizard's tower when we went shopping for one with a different language in it). You're right, I don't want to let them down by calling it off.  I'll do what I need to do if that's what I need to do, but that doesn't mean I'll like it.  I doubt it ever feels good to be the one who ends a year and change worth's of hard work and fun. LionLemur, thank you.  The other player is a good friend, and she's helped as much as she feels she can with this particular issue.  She did help me realize that it was likely an issue in the first place.  The DM is a friend, too, though not always easy to talk to, since I think he's pretty introverted and so am I.  He's often chosen to go through his wife to adress things I've brought up to him in e-mails because, it is said, he doesn't understand or know how to answer the e-mails.  If I can figure out a way to say it, and pinpoint things, I'll try to talk to him. I'm not entirely sure that I'm seeing it as heavier than it is.  Yes, because of my attachment, it's affecting me more, but he's done some pretty nasty stuff to the other character that she allowed (I think--it might have been more she didn't expressly forbid them) but I am pretty sure the vast majority of players would not.  All 'off-screen', but it happened anyhow. Thank you for the rest of your advice and suggestions.  I'll see about following what I can (though I've only heard the DM's voice once, when I met him on a trip across the country, so that part might not work).  It's all appreciated, including your offer.  I might take you up on it. Honestly I'll admit that the situation might be exactly as "heavy" as you're describing it.  (I was maybe HOPING a litte?)  Especially as you're now alluding to.  I will say that it's pretty obvious that the DM doesn't think so...but then his (personal) character isn't directly involved.  Although it's possible that you're internalizing a bit and some other player might not think it was "as bad" it doesn't sound like its terribly easy or light either. I've been involved in campaigns where the DM wanted to go into **** scenes (even if off "camera") and other rather disturbing issues.  In one case the other players banded together and tossed the DM the heck out of the game and went back to a much "safer" game.  ACK!  In the case of the DM who got thrown out, though we were mostly adults, there was a 14 yr old gaming with us.  One would have THOUGHT that would have stopped him from trying to go in that direction, but ohh no!   In the end, the kid told his dad about the game (I never suggested he keep it secret, since that would have been unfair to both the kid-player and his dad) and he was disallowed from gaming with us again, despite the fact that we'd already taken action to throw the DM to the wolves.  Unfortunately it happened too fast for us to deal with the situtation before it was stated in its full horror.  To this day (the kid is probably in his early 30s by now) I have felt bad that any of it happened in front of him, felt guilty in my further interactions with his dad, and all in all it sucked majorly.  All this despite doing the "right thing" once the DM was exposed as a wackjob.  In other cases we merely said, "oh no, you will not even try to go there" and the DM backed off and we were able to continue the game with him as DM.  Nor does the situation need to include player **** to be dark and dismal.  Its really hard to address what's going on in your specific campaign without knowing the specifics, but I'm not asking you to disclose that here.  "Stuff that hearkens back to my IRL experiences" is pretty much all we need to know publically. Re the exercises I suggested, you can also try those with your IRL experiences, but I would caution you to be even more careful with those as if things are as I might guess at based on what you've said, you've got some extremely heavy stuff you're dealling with. Much luck to you and I'm here for you (at least so long as I still have internet) as you need me.
#21 kouk Apr 07, 2010 21:04:53	The other player *is* his wife, so it's not unexpected that he is more aware of what's off limits for her, as opposed to your experiences.
#22 chaosturtle Apr 07, 2010 21:36:48	I can understand the social outlet thing, but ending that particular campaign doesn't mean completely cutting off ties.  Given that you leaving would end the campaign it seems like it'd just be easier to do some retconing or just outright start a new campaign with the DM now being armed with the knowledge of avoiding that issue.
#23 deviknyte Apr 16, 2010 16:45:11	I'm going to say don't.  I'd love to have a player who was that invested in their character. On the other side if your so invested that reality is blurring and it's ruining your life I don't know what to tell you.
#24 navar100 Apr 16, 2010 19:52:58	Last game session my character's father (my character from previous campaign) was killed.  I didn't cry, but my eyes did get watery.  For sanity's sake you don't want to get too attached to your character, but I think it is fine to have an attachment.  It's part of the fun.   When you read a fiction book you like you get attached to the characters.  You become interested.  You enjoy their success.  You cringe their defeats.  You get upset when you are surprised a minor character you like gets killed off just like that after he just won the Tri-Wizard tournament ...
#25 chaosturtle Apr 16, 2010 22:55:43	I'll say it again, attatchment isn't the problem...its whatever happened IRL, had the incident come up in any other medium it would have still triggered the RL stuff...this isn't a situation of "something bad happened to my character and I got sad about it" Its "Something bad happened to my character that happened to ME IRL and having it repeated on my character brought that issue back into light."  Granted, having to roleplay it out does make it a bit more difficult then simply seeing it on TV or reading about in a book or whatever.
#26 cleomenes Apr 17, 2010 13:29:39	I'm going to chime in with some other people here.  I mean this with the most sincerity possible.  The problem is not DnD, it's your own person demons and you need to see a therapist and get some serious help.  You should not be wrapping yourself up into your character so seriously.  All this time spent on the campaign should be spent on yourself and working out whatever it is you need fixed.  In fact, I would completely quit DnD until you recognize the difference between real life and a game.  You aren't your character in any way, shape, or form.
#27 The-Magic-Sword Apr 19, 2010 14:05:21	a piece of advice i've discovered to handle this as a writer- don't just become apathetic about the character, or even try (don't obsess either). What you can do is finish your characters story, don't think of a character as merely gone, but rather as having finished their story. Even if it was a random death- it can have some meaning and the tale of the character you liked so much has been completed, then, move on to the next character- the next story. Perhaps the old character  Becoming emotionally involved with a character is a blessing in some ways- the game becomes immersive and you sincerely care about the story, world, and characters... but you have to learn to let go when the characters tale is finished, this works best if the character survives the campaign (or doesn't die until the end) so they can reach their peak, personality of sorts. Sturm Brightblade from Dragonlance for example, considers himself a knight, and the most important thigns to him are honor, loyalty, and nobility- he dies holding off a high dragon lord, protecting hsi friends, and rallying his fellow knights. At the end he really becae a paragon of his good qualities, of everything he wanted to be, and he even went down in the blaze of glory he had always wanted. The Knight is dead, but his death epitomizes the character, and brings the author... and reader to some measure of emotional fullfillment. The best thing you can do, is learn to think of the end as the completion of your character's development... not as death per say. Give your character such an ending so as to make yourself not want to pick them up again... for fear of ruining their story. Fear wasn't the best word... but yeah.
#28 rmsgrey Apr 19, 2010 21:28:48	It sounds to me like you need to find someone real you can talk to about the real life issues that you've been projecting onto your character - I'm not saying online interactions can't help your situation, but the odds are stacked against them... In my, strictly amateur opinion, it sounds like playing through your character's situation could be helpful for you - but only once you're ready, which you're obviously not yet. And, in many ways, it's unfair to the other players to impose your therapy session on their recreation activity - that's not what you set out to do, but it's what that campaign has become... As for continuing to play, I'm going to echo other people's advice, and suggest playing very different characters - if you can play a character who doesn't take anything seriously, and, above all, who doesn't have any trusted authority figures nor any powerful allies with alien nature and possibly hidden agendas, then getting involved with them (as far as you can) shouldn't be dangerous. It does sound very much as though you're in serious need of proper emotional support from someone (or several someones) you can open up to in real life - either a paid professional, or a real friend...
#29 The-Magic-Sword Apr 20, 2010 8:15:15	I just read a bit more of what you were saying and i agree with the others- you need to talk to someone you can trust to let it out and what not... whether that's a paid proffesional or just a friend... i don't know you well but if you need someone to talk to and don't have anyone you can trust/open up to in reality, feel free to PM me... like i said i don't know you, but the offer stands, i can relate to what it's like to have such strong emotional turmoil over something and i know that sometimes it's hard to talk to people you know about it, easier to tell a stranger, in some ways. P.s an alternative to proffesional help- try to get it out with something... express in writing or art or music or something. Let out the tension inside and turn it into something productive... as a high school student, i know alot of people whom it's helped as well as myself. P.P.S from what you said, on a ligther note... welcome to the chaotic good club
#30 warrl Apr 20, 2010 10:31:12	You definitely need to put that character down for a while (and perhaps permanently), as you've done. Maybe roleplaying it could help your own emotional situation, but if so, you need to be roleplaying it under the supervision of a trained counselor who is treating you - not a DM who is running a game. In the meantime, if you want to play D&D, I recommend a different campaign and different characters. Several of them, designed with a high comedic content and also intended to be removed from game (die, wander off permanently, get promoted to prominent NPC roles - the Chancellor of a city or kingdom does not go adventuring!) fairly soon, so you don't have time to become attached to them and you get used to the idea that characters are disposable. Or write stories. Stories with several major characters that connect them, and occasionally (not every story) a major character dies. But that's about "too attached to the character", not about the underlying problem. And heck, when you are ready to get back into this game, maybe you'll decide to kill THIS character! (Raise Dead and equivalent are still consensual. So if you want the character dead, they won't work.) Play a gnome artificer who had a wonderful childhood and is now out for some fun adventures.
#31 chanter_hound Apr 20, 2010 13:51:22	For me, I make a billion and 1 different characters. I've actually alluded to the idea of allowing my characters to die just so I can play a new one. Course most of my characters all revolve around a central theme of being tied closely to death. So even if my character dies.. he doesn't exactly die. They all just come back to life again in 4e as revenats. :D
#32 requiemofblades Apr 24, 2010 3:55:15	I definitely agree with the "get professional help" because it will help you deal with the emotional problems. As for how to avoid getting overly attached to your characters. I don't know..I find myself getting into the mindset of my character whenever I play them. Trying to react and act as they would. When a Character dies,I stop and take about a five minute break. During that time I remember the things I liked the most about that character,the coolest things he did. As an example..Playing white wolf I was playing a Russian Coroner whose father was bigtime russian mafia. All throughout the game this guy had been a blast to play. His death ended up coming from hordes of zombies and cultists.  The guy takes 2 rifle rounds to the gut,Still runs a half mile to the Car,drives it back to the non combatant PC's,kills 4 or 5 zombies with a bone knife,all the while at his last box of health and only running on synthetic adrenaline that he kept pumping into him. He gets the car,drives it and the two non combatant scientist types to the rest of the party,gets everyone together before passing out in the back seat. Then making the roll to wake up long enough to jam his knife into the skull of the zombie that busted into the back seat before bleeding to death quietly on the ride back to town.  Two years ago this game happened,still remember it clearly lol. The memories of Good characters will stick with you allways.