My favourite is from god Bane : When people are killing each other and blood is spilling from their deadly wounds i will be there!
"If you don't shup up now, Orcus will kill you all!"
CR:25 i think it is! you can stand a chance now that i think of it....NOT
don't worry i'll *CRUNCH* - 3rd ed cleric who suffered a zombie ogre's max damage crit to the noggin... from hero to 10 below zero
Said by a player in my group whose character was just barely in the area effect of a bad guy's spell where as if he took his 5ft step into a different square, he'd be out of it.
"I'll cast magic missile at the ogre..."
- first level elf in Basic D&D, when the ogre was ten feet away from him.
me:"so which race are those guys again?" (im a bit of a noob, this was my 1st dungeon)
DM: "goblins"
me: "i can speak goblin... right?"
dwarf fighter: "yep"
Me: "then as a minor action.... ILL RICKROLL THE GOBLINS !!!!"
DM: "goblins enrage and become berzerkerz""goblins mug the dwarf"
dwarf: "..... -_- ....."
me: XD
I was away from the session when it happened, but my party was sidetracked to help some ranger out to kill this troll he had been hunting for some years now...and the party found two of them. We were all lvl.4 characters and Mo'Cho was unlucky to get hit by a full attack from one of the trolls....all said and done, he was demolished in the battle.
After I returned to the session, my friends told me on what happened and told me they honored Mo'Cho with a proper burial of what was left of him, they took his items as keepsakes and they engraved on his tombstone a joke that had been a catalyst in saving the party numerous times, "Did you hear the one about the donkey?"
Kalarel: "You think you can stop me now that I've nearly completed the ritual?! This is madness!!"
After which, the swordmage promptly pushed him through the rift to the shadowfell, and I made sure to describe with unsettling detail his screams as he was torn apart by some unseen demon.
I set my party up for this one at the end of KotS
Kalarel: "You think you can stop me now that I've nearly completed the ritual?! This is madness!!"
After which, the swordmage promptly pushed him through the rift to the shadowfell, and I made sure to describe with unsettling detail his screams as he was torn apart by some unseen demon.
Man, if ever there was a time to shout "Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTA!", that would be it.
This one we have recorded on our iphones
THe player said this not the charcterSaid by a level 1 barbarian in a game system where rage meant you didn't get to even attempt to block and charge meant you didn't get to parry. (One of the main reasons that game got more versions that v.1).. the targets where two skeleton warriors with swords and one with a pike... ingame lifetime 2 hours. My exuse is it was my first time playing that game and my 2nd RP'ing at all and I was 15 at the time.
Never say that to anyone who's been dominated and unfortunately rolls a natural 20 against the group's Cleric.
player; we'll go through that door
DM: its made of steel, and is locked
player2: oh!, ill pivk the lock
succeeds, the players go through the door and....
theres a reason why doors get locked.
Last words of Borg the Bold, my first PC ever, who died moments later when the crumbly ledge he was standing on to prove that it was indeed strong enough to carry the weight of the party proved him wrong. He never even reached the dungeon. 0XP. This was swiftly followed by an NPC handed to me by the DM who didn't want to lose the only girl gamer in town. Dubbed 'Carl the Cautious', his first words were "...and all those with the hearts of chickens?"
"All those with the hearts of lions...follow me!"
Last words of Borg the Bold, my first PC ever, who died moments later when the crumbly ledge he was standing on to prove that it was indeed strong enough to carry the weight of the party proved him wrong. He never even reached the dungeon. 0XP. This was swiftly followed by an NPC handed to me by the DM who didn't want to lose the only girl gamer in town. Dubbed 'Carl the Cautious', his first words were "...and all those with the hearts of chickens?"
I read that full story you posted in another thread. It's just as hilarious the second time! XD
"Watch this, guys."
Winner.
Player 1: I make a bluff check. I got a 23. "Yes, we too worship Tiamat, the greatest god at all."
DM: "Excellent. The more of us the better. We draw power from numbers."
Player 2: "Tiamat? I hate Tiamat."
PC1: "So, we will give you food, drink, and housing when you work with us." Diplomacy check: 18 (pass)
NPC: "What is this great cause that you are fighting for?"
PC2: "We are aiming for a rebellion. Overthrow the powers of evil." Bluff check: 22 (pass)
PC3: "What? I thought we were getting an army to kill the necromancer and his army and to start an empire. What are you guys talking about?"
"So how long ha' you two been seein' each ot'er? An' do yer mothers know?"
We won the first time. Then the DM rolled back time and reset the encounter. My character therefore delivered the exact same line to the exact same guys, and was summarily blasted down to bloodied, then from bloodied to negative bloodied within the first round. He never even got an attack off.
Oh, how I laughed.
Ya'll watch this.
...The rogue then jumped off of a very high cliff.
...About a third of the way down, he remembered he was invisible.
...About halfway down, he remembered that Feather Fall requires line of sight.
...Two thirds of the way down, he remembered that being invisible means that no one has line of sight to you.
...Three quarters of the way down, he realized that this was a lot of remembering for someone falling at termninal velocity - this cliff was indeed very tall.
...All the way down, he slammed directly into the leader of the bandits on the floor of the canyon. They were both killed instantly.
Upon seeing their leader suddenly detonate for no apparent reason (an invisible plummeting rogue, remember), the bandits broke and ran.
From then on, the saying became: "Rogues fall, everyone dies."
My first 4E game, first character, first session. I was a Dragonborn Paladin.
Last words: "Don't worry, I got this."
Less than a round later, I was dead, and I learned a valuable lesson about how much more deadly kobolds are than they used to be.
TwitchTheBard- That’ll teach ‘em to metagame!
MrDelirious- ROFLMAO
Novacat- Ah yes. The first encounter with the 4e Kobold. When they weren’t going down in one or two hits, my guys were all “WTF?!?”
No, joking.
"What? Oh, not again...."
Novacat- Ah yes. The first encounter with the 4e Kobold. When they weren’t going down in one or two hits, my guys were all “WTF?!?”
One of my players actually said "C'mon, they have like 4hp!"
This wasn't his last words though, but they could very well be.
just so happened that there was a bandit hideout on the other side of said wall.
End result-TPK
~ Fabius Bile.
"We're da best. Think different do ya? Come and have a go then, ya runty little wimp!"
~ Gasgrakh, Goff Nob.
"Us Blood Axes have learnt a lot from da humies. How best ta kill 'em, fer example."
~ Korporal Snagbrat, Dreadblade Kommando.
" Orkses never lose a battle. If we win, we win. If we die, we die fightin, so it don't count. If we runs for it, we don't die neither, cos we can come back for annuver go, see!"
~ commonly held Ork view on warfare. (and totally awesome!)
I wish I still had my first and second edition 40k books. They had the BEST quotes. Dark, brutal and without mercy. I love it.
I guess I should include a few quotes that have to do with D&D. Some things I enjoy saying to my players when the situation is just right.
"Keep talking smack, fool and watch how easy you fail your next saving throw."
"Oh damn, you've been captured by slavers. Sucks to be you."
" Out of no where, you catch a sap to the back of the head and the lights go out. Then a lightning bolt hits you and you catch on fire, only to have the storm giant stomp you out, and the carrion crawlers finish whats left. You're now reincarnated as fungus growing out of a stool and then a dog wanders by and marks you as its territory. Roll initiative."
- Unknown Warlord (Allies died)
"I'll hide in the water until the Dragon comes. Then we'll launch a back attack."
- Platemail-wearing Paladin (drowned)
"Sniping the Target!"
- Elite Archer (ranger) (got sniped)
"Piece of cake!"
- Rogue trying to disarm a trap (became art. And art... is a explosion!)
"Don't worry. My armor is strong enough to keep me safe."
- Wyrmscalemail-wearing Paladin, shortly before realizing that dominate is against Will, not AC (was forced into jumping into a spike pit)
"Commencing target elimination!"
- Archer Ranger (accidentally stepped on an explosive tile)
"poke it with your mordenkard to find out!!!"
"*Nose Flute*" (Note to player: do not act like a total idiot when standing trial in front of the drow queen)
"Don't worry, I can swim!" (character was prompty eaten by a kraken)
"I buy a pint of beer." (Natural 1 on a fortitude save versus alcohol followed by the rest of the party collapsing the cieling during the inevitable barfight)
"Yellow mold? What's yell-"
"Hey, guys, watch this!"
- a half elf ranger trying to pacify an angry polar bear -
"Oh, trust me, the last Healing Potion I drank was this color too."
- a human rogue seconds away from downing a bottle full of black dragon bile -
Take care, friends.
The player in question brings the hooker to a small room with a bed. They start going at it, and by the end of their endeavour he decides to bite her. (He's a vampire).
Player: Just hold still for a moment (chomp)
Me: (Shrieks) Jürgen! I need some help!
DM: (Looks oddly at me)
Me(narrating): You see a man emerging from a small back room wearing buttoned down jeans and wielding a baseball bat.
DM OOC: Who the hell is that??
Player OOC: (starts laughing)
Me OOC: Well, they always have this sort of protection in places like this, right? I mean there's always this guy **** in the back room being allowed to videotape the whole thing through the camera in the ceiling in exchange for protection.
DM shakes his head.
This made for some epic fun! Jürgen, trying to rush the vampire out of the establishment, realizes that he has to force him out:
Jürgen: No, you have to get out now.
At this time both the DM and player stopped laughing and started taking it seriously again.
Player: (Draws his knife), you had better get out of my way now.
Jürgen: (A stumped expression crosses his face as he starts thinking about what to do, until it turns into a resolute look.)
Jürgen: I'm hitting you now!
Jürgen attacks the player. DM and Player start laughing their **** off.
Player OOC: He's actually incapable of doing drastic actions without announcing them first like some idiot!
A fight ensues, and Jürgen's last words are "I don't like what you are doing to me."
Although I had shamelessly hijacked the DM's planned out scene even he enjoyed it quite alot.
"Hold on. It's just a pair of ghouls." Last words of Red Hawk, 1e Fighter in last weekend's game.
"That spectre gets past us over my dead body!" Last words of Senier, 1e Elf in same game.
"Aw, come on. How dangerous could it be?"
"There's only one of them..."
Take care, friends.
DM: How many HP do you have? (after the Ogre swung an Execution Axe at me)
Me: Why, how much damage did I take?
DM: How many HP do you have?
Me: Just tell me how much damage I took...
Player 1: RUN THE OTHER WAY!
Player 2: OH GOD NO!!
Player 3: WHY YA DO THAT, YOU JERK!
Player 4: IT WAS AN ACIDENT!
Player 5: TOSS THE ALCHEMIST FIRE!
Player 6: Will do!
Players 1-4: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: *rolls some dice* Oh no...
Long story....
Back in an old 3.5 campagin:
Player 1: RUN THE OTHER WAY!
Player 2: OH GOD NO!!
Player 3: WHY YA DO THAT, YOU JERK!
Player 4: IT WAS AN ACIDENT!
Player 5: TOSS THE ALCHEMIST FIRE!
Player 6: Will do!
Players 1-4: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: *rolls some dice* Oh no...
Long story....
This is D&D, we love long stories.
Back in an old 3.5 campagin:
Player 1: RUN THE OTHER WAY!
Player 2: OH GOD NO!!
Player 3: WHY YA DO THAT, YOU JERK!
Player 4: IT WAS AN ACIDENT!
Player 5: TOSS THE ALCHEMIST FIRE!
Player 6: Will do!
Players 1-4: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: *rolls some dice* Oh no...
Long story....
This is D&D, we love long stories.
Players are hired to clear out a den of kobolds ruled by necromancers and demon worshipers, they retreat after running into a few bugbear zombies, back at town, when the mayor asks if they have succeded, the ranger makes a rude gesture to the mayor, and after a breif agrument with the mayor, a platoon of guards start chasing them, they deicide to run into the yet-to-be-cleared cavern, they quickly are cornered in the ale house of the kobolds, with demons,necormancers, and kobolds on one side, and city guards on the other, soon a three-sided fight ensues, and after a few rounds Player 3 is dead, and player 2 is at -5, 6 quickly tosses some alchemists fire, and a mass explosen kills everyone but the rouge, player 5, who made his reflex save, but he dies in the resulting cave-in.
Party is fighting a possessed lizard man whose enchanted sword has made him invincible in a room filled thigh-deep with water.
Cleric: "I cast 'ring of blades'!"
DM: "What does that do?"
Cleric: "It creates a swirling ring of blades that chop up any creature adjacent to me."
Druid: "OK, I move AWAY from the cleric"
DM: "The lizard man fires a lightning bolt which hits the ranger."
Ranger: "Urk... I'm at -7 hit points" [Falls into water]
Cleric: "I rush to the ranger and cast cure light wounds!" [heals 6 damage]
DM: "OK, the ranger is still unconscious but he's stable now."
.... action continues until the Cleric's turn again..
Cleric: "I... oh no."
DM: "What?"
Cleric: "Um... this isn't gonna be good...."
DM: "What?"
Cleric: "... um.... ring of blades does damage at the beginning of my turn."
DM: "Oh..." [ponders the situation] "Well, he could survive, if you roll a three or less."
Cleric: [rolls a six] "Uh... 12 points of damage.."
Ranger: "What?! I'm DEAD!?"
The DM ruled the ranger was pureed into bloody pulp. His best friend, the druid, was only able to find a finger, which she now keeps in hopes of using it to resurrect the ranger....
"Oh, it wasn't important."
6 Turns later, they all dies from the necromancer's warforged cronies. Oh, yeah, and that was what the ghost was warning them about.
My wizard said this to a noble who had just announced that the party were enemies of the state immidiatley before using spectral ram to toss him out a tower window.
The next round I was tossed out the same window by his warforged bodyguard.
"Poor life choice!"
My wizard said this to a noble who had just announced that the party were enemies of the state immidiatley before using spectral ram to toss him out a tower window.
The next round I was tossed out the same window by his warforged bodyguard.
I lol'd. Well played, sir. :D
They said "Death". I didn't think it meant my BBEG's.
Quincey: [I forget exact line, but he was expressing a desire for owlbear gloves, and hoping they'd get a chance to harvest the materials]
Sintare: Quincey, I'll make you a pair of owlbear gloves - just as long as you keep us alive!
NOTE: Quincey is a bard, and party's only healer. On the next round, the owlbear killed Quincey, and then proceeded to kill the swordmage and Sintare's pet (Sintare is a beastmaster ranger).
Quincey in the afterlife: Well, I guess I'm not getting those gloves. I didn't keep my end of the bargain. [To the swordmage] Well, I guess we've got some time on our hands. I'll teach you a game. This is called Three Dragon Ante.
Result: The character got caught in an explosion and died. I think I saw the same scene in an anime recently.
Said to the 4th level Warlock who snuck into the court of a powerful Oni lady with his companion, a githzerai monk, upon meeting her in the recieving line and making a skill check for monster knowledge. (he's a revenant with a skull familiar, the guards at the gate assumed he was a necromancer invited to the celebration she was throwing and couldn't tell the difference between gith types)
Me, "Hrmmm, ok, she's a level 14, solo, controller, Spirit Summoner Oni."
Both players present, "*gulp*" as they realize how far over their heads they've gone into the pool.
Me, "Oh, she might have the undead keyword as well, should I go check my Open Grave book to be sure?"
-abs
also,
"Let's go left, it's either there or into the dark corridor - and dark corridors are never good."
-Said by the squishy wizard's player after having his PC eviscerated by a trap.
Player: All of them
During a Traveller Campaign, our Intrepid Heroes are trying to stop a planet cracking warship the size of a small moon
Player- "Don't worry, I know what to do! Come, the Great Prophet Lucas has showed me how to destroy it..." Then, while trying to dodge heavy fire in a scout ship "But the Great Prophet Lucas said there would be an exhaust port!"
Balor: Ah! You will pay dearly for these -
Player: What are you doing dude?
Me: Giving the balor's death speech...?
Player: He's a balor... they just explode, no death monologue for you.
Me: Well then... the balor lurches forward with his last breath and *rolls some dice* grabs the paladin and proceeds to crush him to his chest...
Player: I'll take the speech! For the love of god I'll listen to the speech!
Player1: Crap, how do I work these controls?
Player2: just smash em, what is the worst that could happen?
And my personal favorite from a player who was new to D&D.
"So it looks like a cube of jello? Always room for more, jello? This is supposed to be scary how?"
The party were adventuring in a crypt, where an evil necromancer was using an army of undead (previously the inhabitants of the archaeological camp exploring the crypt and surrounding ruins).
The party had made it through the last encounter (and the post-last encounter skill challenge), all on full health (post rest), but with only 1 or 2 healing surges left each (and the defender with none).
They were starting at level 2, since they were near enough (900 XP, kobold hall plus some practice encounters), and it was easier to sort it before the session than half way through.
The paladin pipes up "Why don't we try a side room? I'm sure it will be fine, what's the worst that could happen?"*
The rest of the group glare at him for tempting fate with the last part, but eventually agree (with a careful marching order to keep the more squishy members of the party in the narrow passage leading to the room).
When they open the door, the spectres in the room immediately phase around behind the party and box them in, with the two kruthik zombies (refluffed as an ancient ancestor to the thri-kreen) taking the front.
This being their first adventure, I allowed the hasty religion check by the paladin to resanctify the tomb (despite the creatures actually being enemies of Bahamut in the backstory) to at least make the creatures non-agressive, but pointed out that after this adventure, there was no way I was being so generous (plus I have various campaigns sketched out for them to restart in 50-100 years later depending on where they fail on this one (and various ones if they succeed in the planned route at the moment, but, not wanting to railroad them, it could turn into any of the others.)).
*this is somewhat of a catchphase for this player out of game, and almost always ends hilariously.
DM: "Their leader (a female vampire) kisses you."
ME: (after avoiding what was supposed to be a deadly attack) "Sorry, lady, but I'm not into necrophilia."
Later, after the battle:
Other Player: "I make myself invisible and check out what's in the next room."
DM: "More vampires."
Other Player: "How many?"
DM: "A few strong ones and several minions."
Other Player: "Vampires have minions?"
No PCs died, but it was close enough to count (only one of us was still standing after the battle, because he was invisible).
NICE UNDIES!!!
muttered just before a rogue sneak attack on my friend's Druid who in character wore not much more than a thong... he got the sneak off but alerted the Dwarven Defender beside her (me) allowing me to reduce him to a quivering puddle of glop on the dungeon floor.
"Quick, use the Alchemist's Fire."*drop*
"Lead the way."
"Whatever's in there, we'll kill it."
"I've got healing potions."*knocked prone, lands on bottles, breaking them*
"I've got plenty of HP left."*enemy crits*
"Where's the enemy?"*backstabbed by invisible enemy*
DM:
Roooooaaaarrr!"Don't worry, if we die, George (Dms name) will fudge the dice..." (George hat to prove a point after that statement didn't he?)
"Wait, I thought we were going to fight a vampire. I wanna fight a vampire!"
"I'm invisible. They can't hit what they can't see." (before entering the troglodyte-filled cavern)
"I say we don't go down that hall." (Squished under rolling boulder)
"If anyone dies, I can cast Raise Dead."
"If there's one thing I've learnt, it is that physics don't apply in this world." (Got pushed off the edge of a very tall tower)
"Don't look back. Don't look back! Are they still after us?" (while running from a couple of angry medusas)
(3.5 game, Mind Flayers controlled the Artificer in our group, and I told him to be brutal...all of a sudden he learned how to play an artificer. Things that make you go, "hmmmm")
Fighter: "So how do we wanna do this?"
Rogue: "Successfully." (they didn't)
"Dude, its barely got any HP left, watch..." Rolls a 1...
"So, wait, what happens, if the drow patrol sees us?" While sneaking up on a drow base.
"Dude, the thing has an octopus for a head? How powerful can it really be?" unaware of what illithid/mind flayers are
Me (DM): "So, um...how much HP do you have?"
Ranger: "Enough."
Me: "Okay, take fifty."
Ranger: "I think I should have taken the potion bakc there..."
(after losing his bear, and most of his HP to several minotaurs.
"Just tell the others I... said something smart and you... didn't... understand."
after the party got split up, two characters were ambushed and one died, with a death scene:
"Just tell the others I... said something smart and you... didn't... understand."
Did he repeat the quote? Or the the surviving character make something up to tell the others?
Did he repeat the quote? Or the the surviving character make something up to tell the others?
The dying guy had a pretty high int. (eladrin wizard) and the messenger (dwarven fighter) not so much, so in his roleplaying his character honestly didn't get it. So he told the rest something like:
"His last words were something pretty smart about understanding things, but I didn't get it. It sounded really cool when he said it though!"
It's how our wizard would have liked to go :-)
Did he repeat the quote? Or the the surviving character make something up to tell the others?
The dying guy had a pretty high int. (eladrin wizard) and the messenger (dwarven fighter) not so much, so in his roleplaying his character honestly didn't get it. So he told the rest something like:
"His last words were something pretty smart about understanding things, but I didn't get it. It sounded really cool when he said it though!"
It's how our wizard would have liked to go :-)
Did he repeat the quote? Or the the surviving character make something up to tell the others?
The dying guy had a pretty high int. (eladrin wizard) and the messenger (dwarven fighter) not so much, so in his roleplaying his character honestly didn't get it. So he told the rest something like:
"His last words were something pretty smart about understanding things, but I didn't get it. It sounded really cool when he said it though!"
It's how our wizard would have liked to go :-)
Bravo
Wizard: I don't think I should use that, you will be in the blast.
Warrior: I have resist 10 force and my fort defence is huge, just do it.
Wizard: *rolls attack*
Warrior: Damn...
Wizard: *rolls damage*
Warrior: Double damn!
Me: This'll keep him busy for a while...
and attempt to alpha strike him. Lower-than-average rolls later, the gnome isn't even bloodied.
DM: The gnome teleports up on the ledge with you and ... his main attack ... {rolls dice} ... crits you ... and pushes you ... off the cliff
Practical upshot: The warlord and rogue went after the gnome, the druid and his pack went to the aid of the fighter.
I was lying at the bottom of the ledge, unconscious, close to death, and a candidate for the Most HP Taken In One Round And Lived To Tell About It trophy.
my fave is one of my own... egotistical i know... but it went something like this...
me:"so which race are those guys again?" (im a bit of a noob, this was my 1st dungeon)
DM: "goblins"
me: "i can speak goblin... right?"
dwarf fighter: "yep"
Me: "then as a minor action.... ILL RICKROLL THE GOBLINS !!!!"
DM: "goblins enrage and become berzerkerz""goblins mug the dwarf"
dwarf: "..... -_- ....."
me: XD
OMG that is amazing LOL
I set my party up for this one at the end of KotS
Kalarel: "You think you can stop me now that I've nearly completed the ritual?! This is madness!!"
After which, the swordmage promptly pushed him through the rift to the shadowfell, and I made sure to describe with unsettling detail his screams as he was torn apart by some unseen demon.
Man, if ever there was a time to shout "Madness? THIS! IS! SPARTA!", that would be it.
ditto