Doom has a lot to celebrate. It's got it's own day (doomsday), a doctorial degree (Dr. Doom), a major motion picture deal (Doom), and a series of video games (Doom, Doom 2, Doom 3). There are countless manners in which we can pay homage to this impending friend of ours, but the best we could think of was to have a contest for it. It was foretold in ages past that this would happen (and what do you know, it did). Your characters will be the subject of some form of doom. Perhaps a potent prophecy, a dangerous doom, or a sinister circumstance.
As a special rule, the character must believe that their personal doom is ironclad.
Welcome to Hero Artisan Contest #6, the fourth edition contest in which you create themed characters that are examined in all their facets by our fantastically talented and attractive judges who dole out medals to the best characters entered.
The required level for this competition is 21st level. You'll be allowed to lavish up to 800,000 gold on your custom creation in any combination of items you wish (as long as they don't go above item level 22). As per page 143 of the DMG, you're permitted whatever standard adventuring gear you'd like without having to purchase it from your net worth. So, for example, if you want a backpack or bedroll, just write it on your character sheet and don't worry about the cost. Furthermore, your character must believe the prophecy foretelling their doom is ironclad.
The following sblocked sections contain the various rules of the competition, scoring methodology, and a few hints to make your character a gold medalist.
Contest Rules
The following are rules for the Hero Artisan competition, and are subject to change at any time between competition periods. Do note that the Code of Conduct is in effect for all aspects of this contest, and those who break it will be disqualified, and their post will be reported.
Character Creation Parameters
Character Level: 21st
Ability Score Generation: Customized Scores Method (found on pages 17-18 of the PHB)
Character Wealth: 800,000 gp
Max Value of any single item: 22nd level
1) All entries must be submitted with a complete stat block of any format or length, (so long as the stat block is complete, including content like equipment, skills, powers, etc.) accompanied by a character background also of any format or length.
2) All entries must be submitted by the date and time given by the Coordinating Judge; any entries submitted late will not be judged but they are still allowed to be commented on by other users/judges, and may provide a valuable resource to other players out there. The time given for any competition is likely to be within 2-3 weeks; the exact times and dates will be stated by the Coordinating Judge during the contest's start.
3) After submitting an entry, the judges may score it at any time. That means if you submit half of it and plan to finish it off later in the day, it can be judged as though complete (judging can take a long time, so many judges like to start judging before the close of the contest). Hence, we urge you to revise your entry thoroughly prior to submitting it, to reduce the danger of this happening. Making use of the preview button in the post window will help you catch most errors before posting.
4) One entry per contestant, and that creator must be the submitter (meaning that all work has to be original, and not stolen from someone else.) Also, do not post an entry if you do not want it to be officially judged.
5) At the start of each competition, the coordinating judge will state a single theme around which to base your entry. There are no restrictions based on the character theme itself; it is merely a suggested guideline, but following it in a creative and interesting way will give merit to your entry.
6) Any material from the following sources is permitted for this contest: Official Published WOTC Books, Dragon Articles, Dungeon Articles, and anything DDI not labeled "Playtest". You are allowed to build characters with non-standard races, including monster races from the MM. You're welcome to homebrew bits and pieces, but your entry when then also be judged on the quality of your homebrew.
7) Judges reserve the right to disqualify entries that do not follow the above rules, as they see fit.
- Qube's Lucius Seneca
- Ohmnirahk_half-Rahkshi's Donny Noman
- noneedforaname's Szorra the Repentant
- Veok's Zehir the Unliver
- Mysteria's Eamon the Immortal
- dulsi's Frazzil
Whitman
This might seem like a stupid question, but better to ask stupid questions than make stupid mistakes. When you say the doom must be ironclad, does that mean that the doom is an absolute certainty, or that the doom is literally clad in iron?
Tylara: Your character has to believe that their doom is certain, that nothing they do can prevent it from happening.
May I be the first to postulate that this contest would be severl magnitudes more epic if the contestant characters were obsessed with causing doom instead of being doomed?
There's no reason your character can't be both.
Remember, though, that you'll lose points in the Background category if they can't fit in at least somewhat with a normal adventuring party.This might seem like a stupid question, but better to ask stupid questions than make stupid mistakes. When you say the doom must be ironclad, does that mean that the doom is an absolute certainty, or that the doom is literally clad in iron?
Your character has to believe that their doom is certain, that nothing they do can prevent it from happening.
This might seem like a stupid question, but better to ask stupid questions than make stupid mistakes. When you say the doom must be ironclad, does that mean that the doom is an absolute certainty, or that the doom is literally clad in iron?
Your character has to believe that their doom is certain, that nothing they do can prevent it from happening.
Aw, and here my guy was going to be chased around by the character from the Champions RPG setting.
Your character has to believe that their doom is certain, that nothing they do can prevent it from happening.
Glad I asked - I read it the other way. Thanks, tylara67.
Was that even a question?!
What‽ Interrobang ‽
Either I'm going crazy, or there is no list of allowed sources this go-round?
Was that even a question?!
What‽ Interrobang ‽
Can't it be both?
The "List" of allowed sources has expanded thanks to the number of judges with DDI. You can use anything from any WOTC book or D&DI that isn't labeled as "playtest".
Either I'm going crazy, or there is no list of allowed sources this go-round?
Was that even a question?!
What‽ Interrobang ‽
The allowed sources are in the rules section.
Since we have two judges with DDI access, everything is open for use, playtests notwithstanding.
(wrecan keeps muttering about random number generators, and Dragoncat said something about trained mice).
The mice have.....displeased me.
We are now trying ferrets. Who are rewarded well on a diet of mice.
random number generators.... random number generators... random number generators...
might I interest you in the Mersenne twister?
"It has a very long period of 219937 − 1 (approximately 4.315425 × 106001)"
(for large numbers: the known univers is about 3 x 1086 cubic millimeters)
random number generators.... random number generators... random number generators...
might I interest you in the Mersenne twister?
"It has a very long period of 219937 − 1 (approximately 4.315425 × 106001)"
(for large numbers: the known univers is about 3 x 1086 cubic millimeters)
I prefer random.org. It's true random numbers, generated by sampling atmospheric noise; none of this pseudorandom BS like the Mersenne twister (even if it is an above average pseudorandom).
/zen
Truly random numbers are only pseudo random numbers for which we have yet to determine the exact alogorithm.
/zen
Quantum mechanics indicates that we can't ever determine the algorithm, if there even is one.
/lecture
Truly random numbers are only pseudo random numbers for which we have yet to determine the exact alogorithm.
/zen
Quantum mechanics indicates that we can't ever determine the algorithm, if there even is one.
/lecture
For in our efforts to determine the algorithm, our observances change the data, yes?
I prefer random.org. It's true random numbers, generated by sampling atmospheric noise; none of this pseudorandom BS like the Mersenne twister (even if it is an above average pseudorandom).
some other idea's
- you could use the time it takes before windows/mac/linux (enter least favorite OS) crashes/does something unexpected/ ...
- You could always use the distance between two prime numbers (if you find a period in that, you just one-upped all mathematicians in the world ...)
OK, back to the HAC ...
Question: Do I need to make a character or a character build? a.k.a. suppose my character retrains a feat. Do I need to state what feat he previously had?
Question: Do I need to make a character or a character build? a.k.a. suppose my character retrains a feat. Do I need to state what feat he previously had?
The final build.
It can help your clarity, however, if you mention feats that were retrained. It's much more convenient than puzzling it out.
Question: Do I need to make a character or a character build? a.k.a. suppose my character retrains a feat. Do I need to state what feat he previously had?
The final build.
It can help your clarity, however, if you mention feats that were retrained. It's much more convenient than puzzling it out.
obviously, but I was thinking 'darn, now I need to think of a feat he would have taken before he took retrained it for that feat'
Question: Do I need to make a character or a character build? a.k.a. suppose my character retrains a feat. Do I need to state what feat he previously had?
The final build.
It can help your clarity, however, if you mention feats that were retrained. It's much more convenient than puzzling it out.
obviously, but I was thinking 'darn, now I need to think of a feat he would have taken before he took retrained it for that feat'
And that is what Toughness is for! :D
merry xmas, the perfect day to post ...
Doom, with a twist of undead lemon
This is the story of Lucius Seneca. A hero who was unknowingly trained to defeat Tharizdun. However, the story has a plot twist: the doom (Tharizdun) is not the end boss … Vecna is.
History
The story of Lucius Seneca actually starts long before he was born … 110888 years ago to be exact. These were the glory days of creation, but that particular year was extremely dark – for that was the year the god Tharizdun found a shard of utter evil. The shard transformed him into a entity of pure evil. Tharizdun took the shard and created the abyss, corrupting other mighty beings in the process. The other gods recognized the danger Tharizdun represented, and imprisoned him in a secret place far far away.
Time flies by, and brings us to 210 years ago … in the hidden library of an ascended lich. The god of secrets, Vecna. An unholy curse sounds through the empty library halls, as the god lich just uncovered an unthinkable and apocalyptic secret. Every 333 years Tharizdun's power increases … and when this happens for the 333th time … Tharizdun will be strong enough to break the chains. As the silence resumes in the library, an idea pops in the mind of the dreaded god. The whole pantheon will fall into chaos and ruins if Tharizdun returns. He could easely take the throne of the world if that happens. The only problem is taking Tharizdun out of the picture once he's done. For that, he'll need a hero: one with fresh combat experience, build and equipped to killed the corrupted god.
A smile on the appeared on the lich gods face. It was time for his plan to set into motion.
As time continues, and brings us 30 years from the present, a baby boy was born. Lucius Seneca was, just as his family, an outcast. For some mysterious reason, his bloodline seemed to attracted undead and otherworldly monstrosities. His father, his fathers father, and so on, all were had became powerful warriors out of necessity. People shunned the Seneca clan, and although Lucius' father had saved the village on multiples occasions, his family was forbidden to live in the village. Living in a forest shack, Lucius quickly learned to take care of himself. Fed up with how he and his family were treated as outcasts, he decided to travel abroad, under the cloak of anonymity.
As the pendulum swings, the boy becomes a man, walking a bloody corpse-filled path. Just like his father and father's father, all that is evil seemed attracted to him.
And that brings us back to the present day. A fierce underground battle just ended. Lucius' partymembers have all fallen for a lich's all-consuming spells, but not Lucius himself … A dodge to the left, a fatal hit converted in a scratch; followed by a decapitating strike. The fight was over. As Lucius turns to face the lich' corpse, the lich' skull floats in the air and faces him. The room starts to glow with symbols of the god lich himself, and an unholy booming voice echoes in Lucius mind
“Seneca … you have grown. Your training is now complete. You will make a fitting sacrifice for Tharizdun” As images of chains breaking flash through Lucius' mind “Prepare yourself … your end is near!” Lucius grips his sword tightly, and with a powerful strike, he split the floating skull in two equal pieces. “Fine … let him come!”
As the Chosen Ones bravado resounds in Vecna's mind, the only thing the god can think of is “Just as planned ...”
Description
Lucuis is a human of medium build. Not tall, yet not short either.
He looks much like his father, and that's why he hides his face in the shadows of his hood. Sharp nose, firm chin, piercing blue eyes, black hair – all his fathers. A scar runs over his left cheek – a present from a ghoul – and on his right arm he has a ugly wound – a present from a wraith that never quite healed. What looks like a ragged leather cloak runs of his shoulders, iron laced waxed boots and a old haversack are the only things he shows the outside world … his hide armor, razor sharp blades and magical equipment – all hidden beneath the leather hooded overcoat.
Mannerisms
Lucius is usually cold, calculated and very protective from his real identity. In combat he tries to take out the strongest target as fast as possible. He has little patience for games. With a constant thread of undead and demons, he's turned in a stone cold killer.
Possible Campaign hooks
- Each PC is chosen by the gods to stop Tharizdun
- Lucius's previous party found out who he was and left, and now he's looking for a new party
Character: Lucius Seneca
- Human two-blade ranger 21 ((PHB p46 & p103))
- background: omen ((PHB2 p 179))
- paragon path: demon slayer ((divine power p96))
- epic destiny: godslayer ((martial power p154))
Speed: 7 squares (6 base +1 boots)
Vision: Normal / Darkvision (goggles of night)
Languages known: Common, Elven
Alignment: neutral
Initiative: +18 =10 (half level) +6 (dex) +2 (martial alacrity)
Attack:
- dual wielding cloaked scimitars: usually 1d20+25; Xd8 + 13;
attack: 10 (half level) +3 expertise + 4 magic + 2 proficiency + 6 strength
damage: 4 magic + 6 strength, +3 feat; miss 6 damage; crit 19-20; high crit; reroll ones - magic longbow: usually 1d20+21; Xd10 + 9;
attack: 10 (half level) + 3 magic + 2 proficiency + 6 dexterity
damage: 3 magic + 6 dexterity, load free; reroll ones
- AC: 35 = 10 + 10 (half level) + 6 (dex) + (4+5) armor
- Fort: 35 = 10 + 10 (half level) + 6 (str) + 1 (human) +1 (ranger) +2 feat +1 armor +4 enchant.
- Refl: 32 = 10 + 10 (half level) + 6 (dex) + 1 (human) +1 (ranger) +4 enchant.
- Will: 29 = 10 + 10 (half level) + 2 (cha) + 1 (human) +2 feat +4 enchant.
Hit Points: 141 (12+14 + 5*20 +15 toughness); bloodied value 70;
healing value 35, 8 healing surges per day
Class Features:
- Fighting Style; Two blade fighting style (ranger) (toughness feat & normal weapon in off hand)
- Hunter's Quarry (ranger) (3d8 damage, lethal hunter feat)
- Prime Shot (ranger) (+1 on ranged attack rolls if non of your allies is nearer)
- Demonslayer's Presence (demonslayer, divine power) (adjacent demons: 1 autodamage)
- Demonslayer's Action (demonslayer, divine power) (AP: +10 damage, ignore resistance)
- Suppress Resistance (demonslayer, divine power) (when hit creature with variable resistance with melee attack, negate that resistance for 1 turn)
- Peerless Predator (Godslayer, martial power) (1/encounter reroll attack against higher level enemy)
Powers: (1 at will bonus thanks to human; all powers are from the ranger list (PHB or martial power) or the demon slayer paragon path (divine power))
- At will: Careful Attack (melee or ranged; str/dex +2 vs AC for [W] damage)
- At will: Hit and Run (melee, as basic attack; move afterward: first square no OA)
- At will: Twin Strike (melee or ranged; 2 attacks str/dex vs AC for [W] damage)
- E(7): Twofold Flinch ((martial power)) (melee; minor 2x Str vs Ref: -2 attack per hit)
- E(11): Demonslayer's Smite ((divine power)) (melee, attack+2 if demon; 3[W]+Str ,loses resistance 1 turn; recharge if demon within 10 sqrs crits or uses AP)
- E(13): Off hand diversion ((martial power)) (melee; minor; basic attack and grants CA)
- E(17): Two weapon eviscerate (melee, 2 basic attack, if both hit: +1d10 & weakened 1 turn)
- D(9): Rangers Recovery ((martial power)) (melee/ranged; str/dex vs AC 2[W]+mod; effect: before or after: shift half speed; if spend all enc attack powers, regain 1, or if quarry: +2[W])
- D(15): Blade Cascade (melee, str vs AC, 2[W]+str, keep attacking until miss (1 or more targets))
- D(19): Claim the prize ((martial power)) (melee or ranged; reliable; bloodied enemy that is quarry; Str/dex vs AC; 5[W]+str or 4[W]+dex)
- D(20): Edict of Destruction ((divine power)) (melee, 3[W]+str & variable effect (save ends); miss variable effect)
- U(2)(E): Unbalancing Parry (trigger: you get melee damage: slide enemy adjacent & gain CA)
- U(6)(E): Boundless Energy ((martial power)) (reroll endurance check)
- U(10)(D): Undaunting Stride (minor action stance; not hindered by difficult terrain)
- U(12)(D): Demonslayer's Resistance ((divine power)) (trigger: hit; resist 15 & divine sanction until end of encounter)
- U(16)(D): Stalker's Senses ((martial power)) (minor action stance: no attack penalty for (total) concealment from quarry)
- toughness (Fighting Style; Two blade fighting style)
- lethal hunter (d8 instead of d6) (human bonus feat)
- (lvl 1) weapon focus (heavy blade)
- (lvl 2) weapon expertise (heavy blade)
- (lvl 4) martial alacrity ((martial power)) (+2 init; during first turn of enc: shift as minor action)
- (lvl 6) martial freedom ((matial power)) (requires WIS13; retrained at lvl 21) (+5 on save vs slow and immobilized)
- (lvl 8) soldier of the faith (add religion and 1/encounter: divine challenge) (required for demonslayer paragon path)
- (lvl 10) action surge (AP: +3 attack)
- (lvl 11) scimitar dance (scrimitar miss = 6 damage)
- (lvl 12) mettle
- (lvl 14) evasion
- (lvl 16) bloodied tenacity ((martial power)) (1st time bloodied during encounter: +2 defenses)
- (lvl 18) iron will
- (lvl 20) great fortitude
- (lvl 21) heavy blade mastery
- Arcane (13 = 11 INT + 2 background)
- Athletics (22 = 16 STR + 5 trained +2 item bonus (belt) -1 armor),
- Endurance (16 = 12 CON + 5 trained -1 armor),
- Heal (16 = 11 WIS + 5 trained),
- Nature(16 = 11 WIS + 5 trained),
- Perception (16 = 11 WIS + 5 trained),
- Religion (18 = 11 INT + 5 trained + 2 background)
- Stealth (20 = 16 DEX + 5 trained -1 armor)
- +5 stalker hide armor of resistance (15 necrotic) 325 Kgp (adventurers vault p41)
- +4 amulet of false life 105 Kgp
- 2x +4 cloaked scimitars 85 Kgp x2 = 170 Kgp (adventurers vault p66)
- Gauntlets of destruction 85 Kgp
- Ring of Forgetful Tought 45 Kgp (adventurers vault p159)
- belt of gaint strength 25 Kgp
- goggles of night 21 Kgp
- +3 longbow 9 Kgp
- Boots of Sand and Sea 5 Kgp (adventurers vault p126)
- Handy Haversack 5 Kgp
- Standard adventurer's kit (15 gp)
Abilities:
Lvl 1:
STR 16 CON 12 DEX 14+2 human INT 10 WIS 11 CHA 13
Lvl 21:
STR 22 (+16 +2 belt) CON 14 (+12) DEX 22 (+16) INT 12 (+11) WIS 13 (+11) CHA 15 (+12)
I just realized how much my entry's story resembles Disney's Hercules ...edit: oh, I just see that there once existed a real Lucius Secena. He has no relation what so ever with this story ...
Hero’s Log
“Just a few more days. A few more fights. I’ve only to stop Ta-Ammet. And then, oblivion. I can quit this life and cease bringing more woe.”
“Shalvesh, will you stop talking to yourself already?!”
[Sidenote: "Shalvesh" is a Stygian (supernal in 4e terms) word difficult to translate. It's used as an insult, with connotations akin to maggot or worm, while indicating the subject is a weakling to be played like a pawn. Donny chooses to translate it as "cannon fodder."]
It’s September of 2009. Donovan “Donny” Noman is a normal college student. Well, somewhat normal. Normal for a geek. Point is, he’s a college student in the small town of Fallgrove in Massachusetts. There’s nothing too extraordinary about him. Until tonight. Earlier this day, he had lost his cell phone while running from the football team. By his own description, geeks and jocks are natural enemies, like cat and dog. While fleeing, he had lost his cell phone. And even earlier that same day, he had finally worked up the courage to ask out his love, Amber. He got her number, but he only had it in his phone. He had to get it back. So that night he went back for it. That night he stumbled into a whole new world. Deciding he lost the phone when he leaped over a wall, he repeats the feat, this time failing to bludgeon his face on the way over, but succeeding in again tumbling over face-first into a rose bush. I never claimed our hero was graceful. He finds his cell phone, and he also finds the denizen of this property up to no good. Doc Hunter, the town’s creepy misanthrope, is unloading something from his car in his gargoyle-strewn back yard. Donny is horrified to realize that it’s a human corpse. To cut to the chase, Doc Hunter is a dabbler in the occult, experimenting with the binding of fiends in the creation of golems. The gargoyles are all such golems. Doc Hunter is preparing to experiment the binding of spirits to already-animate flesh in hopes of producing more powerful golems – part of his grand army for world conquest.
Hero’s Log
“Not now, Will. Not now. Wait… Will’s not behind me…”
“Oh, man, shalvesh, I wish I could have seen the look on your face. You must have been all “Oh no, I’m in trouble.”
“And I was.”
Donny is caught and becomes the first living test subject. But Doc Hunter is overambitious in his summoning and calls too powerful a spirit – Lord Thallos, ruler of the Seventh Circle of Hell. Younger than most Lords of Hell, Thallos is an ambitious upstart who conquered the Seventh Circle from a previous Lord. But his ambition is his downfall, because his threat is enough to foster alliances among the other eight Lords. Even as Thallos answers the summoning, hoping to escape the prison of Hell, an assassin slays him. All of these odd factors combine to throw off the binding process. Donny is transformed, but neither he nor Lord Thallos are enslaved to Doc Hunter. And in Thallos’s weakened state, he cannot maintain permanent dominance over the body. Or maybe Donny’s just more strong-willed than Thallos gives him credit for. Regardless, Donny escapes, transformed.
Hero’s Log
“Oh, don’t give me that look. I only threw him out a first story window.”
“You still defenestrated the person who could tell us how to fix this mess.”
“Yeah, and the person who created this mess. He deserved it. He deserved a second story window.”
“I’m glad you didn’t listen to him.”
But the world too is transformed. Magic had long been banished from this world, after the long war between Heaven and Hell nearly tore the Earth apart. In the same vein, Heaven and Hell had been sealed off. Doc Hunter had broken these barriers, but carefully, to relatively little effect. But it was different for Donny. He was walking contradiction: equally of Earth and Hell. Because of the unusual circumstances of the summoning, it was never quite finished. Donny was a walking conduit to Hell. His very existence threatens the fabric of reality. Donny and Thallos know this. With every breath they take, every move they make, they unravel the fabric of reality just a little bit more. For the sake of all of Creation, they must die.
Hero’s Log
“This ends tonight, Ta-Ammet. Either I stop you, or I die trying.”
Later....
“Sorry Donny, looks like you die trying.”
“No chance in Hell.”
But first, they have to save Creation. During their stint as a hero, “the Fallgrove Wraith” had begotten a monster. Donny saw the birth of demons – living incarnations of the sins of man. Donny slew a larval fiend born of mass murder, hoping to avert the birth of a mighty demon. But Donny was impulsive, not knowing of the nature of Hell. It is customary to kill larval fiends born of small misdeeds to spawn greater evil: nagas, larval fiends reanimated and empowered by their own infanticide: the one case where a demon’s crime can spawn a new demon. But Donny is both demon and man, as a man, his actions can beget fiends. To sum up a long, convoluted story arc, Donny meant well when he killed the baby demon, but infanticide, even well-intended infanticide, is a monstrous crime. Even fiends have some level of choice, well-displayed by the naga Kre-Nahk, a hellish mercenary and occasional enemy or ally of Donny. But Kre-Nahk is not the naga Donny created. That naga is Ta-Ammet. Ta-Ammet embodies his conception: the mass murder of his first birth and the misguided good intentions of his second birth. Ta-Ammet believes we all have a moral obligation to do what we can to end suffering. Unfortunately, suffering is an innate part of existence. The right thing to do is to undo reality. Destroy all of creation. So the Fallgrove Wraith lives on, endangering reality to stop a greater, more immediate danger. But having taken up the hero’s mantle, can he ever put it down? Or will one great threat to reality always be followed by another, with excuse after excuse for prolonging his dangerous existence coming along?
====== Created Using Wizards of the Coast D&D Character Builder ======
Donny Noman, level 21
Tiefling, Swordmage, Umbriri, Harbinger of Doom
Build: Assault Swordmage
Swordmage Aegis: Aegis of Assault (reflavor all teleportations as illusions. Donny frequently replaces himself with an illusory double as he fights, sneaking along invisibly. The mark’s teleportation and other such effects represent the illusion fading as he comes out of stealth)
Background: Arcane Agent (+2 to Stealth; used to explain the secrecy of magic in this world and preservation of his superhero identity.)
FINAL ABILITY SCORES
Str 18, Con 17, Dex 15, Int 24, Wis 12, Cha 14.
STARTING ABILITY SCORES
Str 14, Con 13, Dex 13, Int 16, Wis 10, Cha 10.
Str: +1 at 4th, 11th, 14th, 21st
Con: +1 at 8th, 11th, 18th, 21st
Dex: +1 at 11th and 21st
Int: +2 racial, +1 at 4th, 8th, 11th, 14th, 18th, 21st
Wis: +1 at 11th and 21st
Cha: +2 racial, +1 at 11th and 21st
AC: 40 (20 for 10+1/2 level, +5 enhancement, +3 masterwork armor (anathema leather), +2 feat, +3 swordmage warding, +7 Int
Fort: 30 (20 for 10+1/2 level, +4 enhancement, +4 Str, +2 Greater Swordmage Warding)
Reflex: 34 (20 for 10+1/2 level, +4 enhancement, +7 Int, +2 Greater Swordmage Warding, +1 anathema leather)
Will: 30 (20 for 10+1/2 level, +4 enhancement, +2 Cha, +2 Greater Swordmage Warding, +2 class)
HP: 167 (+15 for Toughness); Surges: 11; Surge Value: 41
TRAINED SKILLS
Arcana +22, History +22, Endurance +18, Athletics +19, Stealth +21, Thievery +17
UNTRAINED SKILLS
Acrobatics +12, Bluff +14, Diplomacy +12, Dungeoneering +11, Heal +11, Insight +11, Intimidate +12, Nature +11, Perception +11, Religion +17, Streetwise +12
FEATS
Level 1: Skill Training (Stealth)
Level 2: Escalating Assault (FRPG)
Level 4: Intelligent Blademaster (FRPG – use INT for melee basic attacks)
Level 6: Sneak of Shadows
Level 8: Cunning Ambusher (Martial Power – when using Infernal Wrath with combat advantage, gain Int mod to attack and damage. Total bonus: +10 attack (+2 combat advantage, +1 infernal wrath, +7 Int), +9 damage (+7 Int, +2 Cha) +4d6 sneak attack)
Level 10: Defensive Mobility
Level 11: Toughness
Level 12: Vigorous Assault (Arcane Power)
Level 14: Greater Swordmage Warding (Arcane Power)
Level 16: Fleet-Footed
Level 18: Unfailing Courage (Dragon 377 – can spend a healing surge when spend an action point)
Level 20: Vexing Flanker (PHB2 – when flanking a target, all allies gain combat advantage)
Level 21: Total Aegis (FRPG – mark any number of targets in burst with aegis)
POWERS
Swordmage at-will 1: Luring Strike
Swordmage at-will 1: Greenflame Blade
Swordmage encounter 1: Blazing Pursuit
Swordmage daily 1: Warding Flourish
Swordmage utility 2: Channeling Shield
Swordmage encounter 3: Dimensional Vortex
Swordmage daily 5: Purifying Wound
Swordmage utility 6: Armathor's Step
Swordmage encounter 7: Flamewall Strike
Swordmage daily 9: Glamor Blade
Swordmage utility 10: Dimensional Dodge
Swordmage encounter 13: Fist of Force (replaces Blazing Pursuit)
Swordmage daily 15: Burning Mantle (replaces Warding Flourish)
Swordmage utility 16: Sudden Escape
Swordmage encounter 17: Dazzling Display (replaces Dimensional Vortex)
Swordmage daily 19: Death's Resurgence (replaces Purifying Wound)
[Oni's Gift would have been the level 22 utility. It really suits Donny, so I wish it could be included]
ITEMS
Magic Longsword +5, Veteran's Anathema Armor +5, Cape of the Mountebank +4, Ring of the Protector (paragon tier), Eager Hero's Tattoo (heroic tier), Solitaire (Citrine) (paragon tier), Handy Haversack, Ring of Fireblazing (paragon tier)
====== Copy to Clipboard and Press the Import Button on the Summary Tab ======
Magic Longsword: Donny’s personal reminder that his existence warps reality, this sword was originally the dagger Doc Hunter had used in the ritual to create him. After becoming what he is now, he (Thallos really), disarmed Hunter and transformed the dagger into this current blade, a rather mundane-looking sword with twin crescents forming the hilt, the seal of the Seventh Circle.
Veteran’s Armor: Not so much armor as Donny’s metallic exoskeleton, the veteran’s property captures the superheroism of the Fallgrove Wraith and the experience of Lord Thallos. Keep in mind, this is a low magic setting, and Donny is one of the few PCs. The anathema masterwork trait reflects the serpentine nature of demons within this world.
Cape of the Mountebank: An ordinary cape. Once again, the magic properties are refluffed as part of Donny’s own power. While it has no mechanical implications, the cape is like an implement to him. Magic runs through Donny’s veins like blood through ours, and Donny hides it in plain site by becoming a street magician. The technique carries over into his employment of magic in combat: flamboyant, performativity, and a proclivity for illusion and deception. Thallos prefers simpler blasts of hellfire, though Donny would rather not further taint himself. He can feel it consume a tiny bit of his soul every time he channels hellfire.
Ring of Fireblazing – the signet ring of the Seventh Circle.
Ring of the Protector – Donny made this himself to keep Amber safe.
Eager Hero’s Tattoo – to help repress the influence of Lord Thallos, Donny carved a cross into his arm, a reminder of faith to help him stay strong. The Arkdruids endorse this approach: faith has an odd power over Hell, though crises of faith can sabotage the magic of this scar. Combining the repression of the scar with his knack for illusion, Donny has passed for his old self, but crises of faith or the presence of fiends can make the disguise falter. (The Arkdruids are a secret organization devoted to maintaining the separation of the planes. They believe the Earth was nearly destroyed by the war between Heaven and Hell).
Solitaire (Citrine) – a small fragment of the Shard of Genesis, Donny has used this to help hunt down the true Shard of Genesis: a physical manifestation of the powers of Creation. It is a necessary focus for the most world-shaking or world-shattering of rituals. Ta-Ammet needs it to unravel existence. Many others seek it to rewrite reality in their image.
Handy Haversack – have I mentioned Donny poses as a street magician? Yes, he does the pulling a rabbit from a hat trick.
Attacks:
+25 with weapon powers (+10 half level, +5 enhancement, +7 Int, +3 proficiency; even for basic attacks, thanks to Intelligent Blademaster)
+22 with implement powers (+10 half level, +5 enhancement, +7 Int)
Class Features:
- Swordbond – summons his longsword
- Aegis of Assault (Aegis of Illusions)
- Swordmage Warding - +3 AC; improved by feats
- Shadow Action – spending an action point for extra action also grants self and adjacent allies concealment
- Shadow Defense – resist 15 necrotic; when using aegis of assault, becomes resist 25 and basic attacks deal extra 5 necrotic damage
- Shadow Shroud – I have combat advantage when I have concealment
- Shield of Ill Fortune – I can reroll natural 1s, and enemies that roll natural 1s are stunned and I can slide them 3 squares.
Does anyone know what's up with the spacing in my submission? It didn't look like that during typing. I guess it could have something to do with typing all this in Word (the 2003 version for XP, if OS or version matters). Grr... I hate dealing with technology. A gremlin follows me everywhere...
- you type the text in Word, a extremely heavy word processor (who knows what word spits out when you press Ctrl-C ...)
- paste it in a internet word processor emulater, that uses and spits out psuedo-html (lets face it, this editor has its problems)
- this gets run through the WotC parser (got to love backwards compatibility, and interpretation of things like [qu0te], [sbl0ck], ...)
- gets saved in the database and reloaded as html
- this gets send to a user depedant program (Explorer, Firefox, Opera, ...)
- enter stylesheets. your browser interpretes everything
- then this browser visualizes everything in using a badly specified language (html)
- and be happy we're not even in the plug-in environment ...
((edit: this is a long explenation for I don't know. It could be a lot of things ...))
Yeah, copying from Word to the funky WYSIWYG editor the forums here have is probably doomed to weirdness. I've been typing stuff up in Notepad so I know it's not getting any odd formatting added to it, then doing the formatting as an edit of the original post.
I use Wordpad for the same reason.
-Sarena
-Sarena
“M'lord Szorra, the heroes are at the front gates.”
“Thank you Mr. Click, please ask the golems to step down,” the old gith answers with a heavy sigh. Beside him a spectral knight materializes. “It looks like you'll be reunited with your old friends soon, Gunter.”
“They've passed the Wailing Gardens, then?” the ghostly paladin ponders.
“Of course, only a righteous soul may traverse those cursed acres.”
“These are miserable circumstances,” Gunter moans, shocking Szorra for the paladin had never shown signs of despair before. “I'd like to ask them once again to reconsider this pointless aggression.”
Szorra is touched by his companions devotion but sighs once again. “I can see no point Gunter, they truly believe you to be my slave, not my savoir. No intersession will convince them otherwise.” Besides, he thought, they deserve their vengence. It was I who slaughtered you, dear friend along with the ranger's Hugo's ladylove, Rosaria. His anguished wailing as I foolishly laughed still haunts my dreams. If the mage Friedrich hadn't teleported the rest of them away to safety I'd have revelled in all of their deaths.
“You do not deserve this fate, Szorra,” Gutner says, “you have freed yourself of the lich's hold. You have staved off the demon horde's invasion. You've spent the better part of your life helping free souls of the undead curse, more than making up for the evil you'd done. Were you the creature you once were I'd not have aided you all these years. I fear vengence has blurred my former companion's moral foundation. No good can come from this confrontation!”
“I will not fight them, Gunter, of that you can be sure. I've caused them far too much pain already.”
“M'lord Szorra,” announces his skeletal butler, Mr Click, “they're approaching the grand gallery.”
“Thank you, please disarm the traps and ask the fallen soldiers to stay in their tombs.”
“This is suicide!” Gunter growls disgustedly, “Let us flee from this place, we can take refuge with our allies, call in some favors. Its not too late.”
“And do you think they would stop their quest? That after all this time they'd give up and go home? No, they will chase me wherever I may go and in the process make enemies of the people who'd help me. I'd probably end up getting more people killed, as well. No, I don't need any more blood on these already gory claws, friend. I will ask them once again to forgive me and then I'll give them what they ask for.”
“M'lord Szorra,” Mr Click once again chatters, “they approach your drawing room.”
“Thank you, please let them in and go tell all of the servants that when it is finished they are released from my service.”
Character Sheet (all reflavors are in italics)
Szorra the Repentant
Githzerai Necromancer (reflavored Shaman), level 21
Paragon Path: Blightspeaker
Epic Destiny: Darklord
Companion Spirit: Stalker Spirit
Background: Birth - On Another Plane (Arcana class skill)
Language: common, deep speach
Alignment: unaligned (leans heavily toward good)
Innitiative: 14 (½ lv+dex+racial)
HP: 130 (class:12 +con:18+levelling:5*20) Surges: 11 (7+con: 4)
Class features:
Call spirit companion (free action w/ feat),
Healing spirits (2/encounter),
Speak with spirits (+7 to next skill check: once per encounter)
Blighting action (spend an action point deal necrotic damage w/ attack, gain resist 5 necrotic/radiant)
Dissolution's Call (With a critical attack w/ divine power gain 10 (wisdom) HP)
Echoes Maladiction (any creature saving against an attack you caused takes 10 necrotic damage)
Stand in Two Worlds (1/day use rituals Planar Portal or Shadow Walk with no component cost)
Racial features:
Iron Mind Encounter Power
Danger Sense: +2 Inniative
Defensive Mind: +2 save vs daze, dominance, stun
Shifting fortunes: Shift 2 squares when using second wind
Basic Attack: Verdant Staff +23 attack (½ lv+7 (melee training:Wisdom) +4 (enchantment) +2 (Proficiancy))2d8+11 damage (Wisdom +enhancement)
ABILITY SCORES (starting scores in paranthesis)
Str 10 (8)
Con 18 (14)
Dex 15 (11)
Int 18 (14)
Wis 24 (16)
Cha 14. (12)
AC: 33 (10+10level +3Int +2 armor +5enchantment+3 anathema
Fort: 32 (10+10 lv + 4 amulet +2 belt +1 class +1 feat +4 ability)
Reflex: 30 (10+10 lv +4 amulet + 1 feat +4 ability +1 anathema armor)
Will: 33 (10+10 lv +4 amulet +1 feat + 7 ability +1 class)
Saving Throws
daze +3 (race +ring of salvation)
stun +3 (race + ring “ “)
domination +2 (race)
charm +2 (amulet of mental resolve
sleep +2(amulet)
illusion +2 (amulet)
necrotic damage (autosave from anathema armor)
Resistances: 17 necrotic (icon of purity feat)
TRAINED SKILLS
Nature +22, Perception +22, Arcana +19, Heal +24 (+2 from feat), Religion +19
UNTRAINED SKILLS
Acrobatics +14 (+2 race), Bluff +12, Diplomacy +12, Dungeoneering +17, Endurance +14, History +14, Insight +17, Intimidate +12, Stealth +12, Streetwise +12, Thievery +12, Athletics +12 (+2 racial)
FEATS
Level 1: Ritual Caster
Level 2: Staff Fighting (treat staff as a double weapon)
Level 4: Melee Training (Wisdom)
Level 6: Combat Medic (stabalize dying as a minor action, +2 bonus to heal)
Level 8: Resilient Spirit (spirit companion gains +2 to all defenses)
Level 10: Acolyte of Divine Secrets (this marks the end of Szorra's time with the lich and the beginning of his service to the Raven Queen)
Level 11: Unfailing Courage (use healing surge when spending action point)
Level 12: Nimble Spirit (summon spirit companion as a free action)
Level 14: Githzerai Healer (target of healing spell gets save vs. stun, charm, domination w/+2)
Level 16: Pervasive Light (creatures w/ radiant volnurability take extra dmg from any attack that hits)
Level 18: Reserve Maneuver (choose reserve maneuver encounter power instead of another encounter)
Level 20: Paragon Defenses (+1 fort, ref, will)
Level 21: Icon of Purity (gain resistance to necrotic equal to ½ level + wisdom mod.)
AT-WILL POWERS
Call Spirit Companion (this is the spirit of Gunter, paladin of Bahamut, see background)
Stalker Strike
Stalker Fang
Claws of the Eagle
ENCOUNTER POWERS
Iron Mind (racial)
Shifting fortunes (racial)
Visions of Blood (feat: acolyte of divine secrets)
Hunt and Return (feat: reserve maneuver)
lv1: Speak With Spirits
lv1: Healing Spirits (shows necromancer's power over life as well as death)
lv7: Call to the Blood Dancer (summons the Butcher, see friends)
lv11: Chains of Death
lv13: Spirit of the Killing Shot (replaces Twin Panthers)
lv17: Flesh Ripper's Claws (replaces Call to the Savage Elder)
UTILITY POWERS
lv 2: Arcane Mutterings
lv6: Spirit of Vengeance
lv10: Spirit Summons
lv 12:False Life
lv16: Faces of the Fallen
DAILY POWERS
lv 5: Vengeful Blood Spirits
lv 9: Ancient Warlord's Inspiration
lv 19: Great Bear Guardian (replaces Reparative Spirit and Wrath of the Spirit World)(summons Beatrice, see friends)
lv 20: Endbringer
ITEMS
Ring of Brotherhood 21K gp (the other belongs to Persevere a Revenant Avenger, see friends)
Bag of Holding 1000 gp
Blessed Book 360 gp
Cryptspawn Potion (3) 3K gp
Blackgate Rune (2) 1.4K gp
Holy Symbol (raven queen)
Verdant Staff +4 65K gp
Deathburst Anathema Armor +5 325K gp
Amulet of Mental Resolve +4 65K gp
Totem (this is Szorra's soul cage, it is a small birdcage with a tiny skull inside. It holds all of the spirits he uses while away from home. For game mechanics it is a mundane item. Szorra can also use his staff for all of his powers)
Grace Ring of Salvation 21K gp
Belt of the Witch King 85K gp
Shadowfell Gloves 45K gp
Dimensional Shackles 65K gp
Darkskull 4.5K gp
Shroud of Revival 2.6K gp
Seed of War 25K
Potion of Regeneration 4.2K gp
Potion of Lifeshield 2.6K gp
Residuum 495 gp
RITUALS (total cost: 63,495gp)
Soulguard, Planar Portal, Consult Oracle, Cauldron's Rebirth, Ritual of Retrieval, Primal Prison, Corpse Gate, Visage of Life, Ghost Walk, Shadow Passage, Raise Dead, Gravesight, Spirit Idol, Undead Servitor, Speak with Dead, Deathly Shroud, Ancestral Whispers, Skull Watch, Undead Ward, Corpse Light, Unseen Servant
Background
Szorra the Repentant is a necromancer (reflavored Shaman) formerly in the service of a powerful Lich named Halix who kidnapped him from his home plane (he cannot remember where because the lich purged him of his memories) and raised him as a slave. When the young gith showed a remarkable mental aptitude he put him to work gathering the components for his dark rituals and eventually tasked him with performing them himself. Szorra took on more and more work until he became an adept in the dark arts and a devoted servant of the lich. In time, he took on a more administrative role in the dungeon seeing to the day-to-day tasks of creating zombies and rigging traps and defending the place so that his master could focus on attaining the godhood he craved. Many adventurers and heroes tried to pry away the treasures of Halix's home deep in the dungeons of a ruined castle and Szorra took great pleasure in allowing them to die by his many ingenious traps and monsters. So when a party of five adventurers came knocking he was more than happy to assist in their demise. They were a Paladin of Bahamut named Gunter, a warrior priest of Kord named Klaus, a ranger named Hugo, his lover the druid Rosaria, and the wizard Friedrich.
Officially they were seeking to put an end to some graverobbing that had taken place in a nearby town, but in truth Friedrich was looking to obtain the knowledge of necromancy for himself, he manipulated the rest of the party to come to that part of the world and the graverobbing was just a conveniant excuse to plunder the ruins. After they had fought their way through Szorra's traps and undead pets he came out to face them personally with some of his masters more advanced creations. The fight was a route with the adventurers fleeing without two of their comrades and leaving Szorra with quite a mess to clean up. He foolishly attempted to ensnare the soul of the paladin thinking it would be sign of his advancement and earn him the respect of his master. But the soul would not easily submit to being controlled and instead haunted Szorra, disrupting his sleep and sabataging his work so that he looked more the fool to the lich. It drove him mad and he fled the ruins wandering in the wilderness for how long he knew not. The exposure nearly killed him but something kept him alive(speak with spirits class feature), the paladin had taken pity on the foul creature and led him through the fog of insanity to the doorstep of a monestary devoted to the Raven Queen. He repented for his transgressions against the Goddess of Death and vowed to devote his life to righting the wrongs of his past.
It may seem strange that a person who's quest was to free spirits from undeath would still practice the arts of necromancy. Szorra is very discerning in his use of the dark arts, and keeps a spirit captive only until they are ready to pass on to whatever world is right for them. He never acts without caution and will not share his forbidden knowledge for any price. He has done much good in the universe and is looked on with favor by his goddess, but still has much guilt for his past indescretions. He has travelled the world seeking out lost souls to help and has made some friends but is still very misunderstood among the average folk, so rather than face persecution by people who don't know any better he has fled to the shadowfell where he makes his home in a haunted mansion once owned by a vampire lord whom he vanquished. In doing so he freed a local town from being harvested by the vampire and his ilk and so became the lord of the land, giving him the title Darklord. He generally keeps to himself now and only ventures out when needed.
Friends
While Szorra has touched many people's lives he hasn't had very many close friends, but those he has are very loyal. Some are undead spirits he's saved and others are people he's saved from the undead, some are, like him, reformed evil-doers.His closest friend and ally is his spirit companion, Gunter. He does not command Gunter as a shaman would, the spirit just knows what to do and acts accordingly. All of the souls he commands are undead he's hunted down and offered a chance at redemption and when they are deemed worthy he helps them pass on to the next world. Many of the ghosts he's helping aren't all that useful as combatants, if they aren't particularly melevolent he'll let them roam his mansion. He treats them as guests and for many months at a time he might never have a conversation with an actual living person. It is a life he's grown accustomed to.
Some of the other spirits that Szorra employs that are more melevolent in nature he still treats with kindness in the hope that one day they might be free of their self-induced punishments. Corrin the Relentless is an ancient general of a long fallen army whom Szorra encountered haunting the site of a forgotten battlefield. He was obsessed with victory although both his allies and enemies had passed on. Szorra offered him the chance to fight on at his bequest if he'd stop haunting the land and stay in the necromancer's soulcage. (He is the spirit of the ancient warlord in the Daily Power description.)
The Butcher is a ghost who'd dominated the body of a kindly old man who ran an inn in a large city that was being plagued by a serial killer. Until Szorra solved the mystery no one suspected him of such atrocities. Szorra visited him as he sat in a dungeon awaiting his death and freed him of the evil spirit. Although he could not commute his sentence he could let the old man die in peace. He keeps a tight rein on the Butcher when he summons him for battles hoping to purge him of his melevolent ways by channeling him through Gunter's more level headed spirit (this is the spirit for the Encounter Power Call to the Blood Dancer)
Beatrice was a banshee spirit of a child who, in life, was a spoiled but emotionally neglected little girl and got the reputation of being a horrible brat. Known to throw violent tantrums she was ignored by her parents and placed in the custody of a nanny who was equally capricious. Thinking the death of the child would end the nanny's misery she poisoned the little girl, only to be slain by her wailing ghost. The nanny's demise was not enough to satisfy Beatrix's wrath and she haunted the home until her family sealed off an entire wing of their estate. Many generations later Szorra heard of the haunting and offered to purge them of their problem. He spent a lot of time with the spirit giving her toys and companions to play with until her rage was placated. Of course she is still a little girl prone to tantrums but Szorra has taught her to use her powers constructively (She is summoned with the Daily Power Great Bear Guardian) and for the most part she is a sweet as any well cared for child. Szorra thinks she is ready to pass on but has grown fond of her, so she stays in her own room at the mansion.
Mr Click is just a well dressed animated skeleton that Szorra uses as a butler. He has much affection for the creature and would never put him in danger by commanding him to fight. Around the house he acts as a messenger for Szorra and does menial tasks. (I wanted to make him a familiar but only arcane classes can have them 
)
His living friends are flung across many planes. Fera the archmage is the head mistress of an arcane college. She originally sought out Szorra to teach her the art of necromancy but he convinced her over many adventures not to dabble in the darkness. She sometimes invites him to lecture at her college on the best ways to combat evil and avoid its dark seduction.
Persevere is a revanent avenger who battles his way through the 9 hells searching for the soul of a family member unjustly taken. Szorra was asked to help him a number of times by their mutual benefactors in the Raven Queen's service. He'd never ask anyone for help but Szorra knows when he is in trouble because they both own Rings of Brotherhood.
Kyn, Duke of the Barrows, is a resident of the town near Szorra's mansion. He is a warrior who defends his people from the encroachment of the many dangers surrounding them and he's also dhampyr who's former master's had treated the people like cattle until Szorra slew them. When he took over he gave Kyn a chance at changing a century old legacy of bondage and perhaps one day freeing him from his curse.
He also has many comrades within the clergy of the Raven Queen who look kindly upon his service or owe him favors
Enemies
Szorra has a long list of enemies from demon princes he's battled with Persevere, to fellow Darklords of the Shadowfell. The Darklords know him for vanquishing the former owners of his home, and this has made them even more paranoid than usual. They all suspect that soon he'll come after their lands and more than a few are prepared to strike preemptively to prevent such an overthrow.
The lich Halix was defeated by the adventuring party whom Szorra had once sent running, having returned stronger and ready for revenge. They did not find him there of course but they did manage to slay Halix, but the job was not complete. Halix has once again returned from the grave and now blames Szorra for leaving him vulnerable.
But the more immediate threat comes from the heroes who still seek vengence for Szorra's offenses. They are the ranger Hugo, who's lover Szorra slayed, a battle priest named Klaus who believes that his former best friend's spirit, Gunter, is being kept as a slave, and the wizard Friedriche who still hungers for the knowledge he believes Szorra can impart to him. Szorra truly has no intention of fighting these adventurers, he believes their motives to be justified. In truth, the party has strayed far from the path of good since they last met. Some of the things they've done to find Szorra were more evil than the acts they seek to rectify.
Szorra's Appearance
The old githzerai still dresses the part of the necromancer, old habits die hard. Black robes, embroidered with skulls and bones, cover his dark snakeskin anathema leather armor. His jewelry is similarly adorned and his pale-green, thin head gives the visage of a zombie's skull. Along with the long, skinny fingers clutching his totem (a small bird cage with a tiny bird skull inside) it could be forgiven if people assume he is the very incarnation of evil. For this reason he rarely ever appears in public. His bad posture and skeletal thinness give an impression of frailty but he is actually quite capable with his Verdant staff, able to weild it in melee rather effectively in the rare chance that an enemy gets close enough for him to use it.
Although he likes to give the impression of being a gloomy old curmudgeon when he skulks through town he is actually rather lively and gregarious around the house. He enjoys music, especially violins and oboes. Many stories come from the townfolk of hearing strange tunes floating over the lands and of skeletons dancing in the garden. These are mostly true since Szorra is often trying to entertain Beatrice. The villagers also say that he kidnaps fair maidens to play him tunes but, in truth, he invites musicians to play for him from the various worlds he visits.
Oh, and I tried really hard to figure out how to spoiler block all of the background stuff but was too computer illiterate to figure it out. I followed the instructions on the FAQ and still got frustrated. If any of the moderators want to do it (I'm not even sure if they can) than go for it.
Thanks all. I'll be sure to use Notepad from now on. Too bad my one hour for editing is up, or else I'd try to clear up the formatting some more. Oh well. Best of luck to all other entries.
There isn't any restriction to editing I believe. The judges can start judging at any point though.
interesting entry ... but don't you think it's kind of hard to play a depressed suicidal character? (especially in 4e where every PC has his role, and needs to pull his weight ...)
Thanks all. I'll be sure to use Notepad from now on. Too bad my one hour for editing is up, or else I'd try to clear up the formatting some more. Oh well. Best of luck to all other entries.
There isn't any restriction to editing I believe. The judges can start judging at any point though.
Oh? I'll have to double check that - I remember Hero Artisan gave you a 1-hour grace period for editing. I haven't checked the basic rules in a while. I only pay attention to theme, due date, and allowed sources.
Thanks all. I'll be sure to use Notepad from now on. Too bad my one hour for editing is up, or else I'd try to clear up the formatting some more. Oh well. Best of luck to all other entries.
There isn't any restriction to editing I believe. The judges can start judging at any point though.
Oh? I'll have to double check that - I remember Hero Artisan gave you a 1-hour grace period for editing. I haven't checked the basic rules in a while. I only pay attention to theme, due date, and allowed sources.
Yeah, the new forums don't put a note at the bottom of edited posts giving the edit time, so we abandoned the 1 hour rule. As stated, though, your entry can be judged at any time after it's posted, so if you want to fix things, the sooner the better.
Gah. I always tell myself that I have to enter one of these contests, but for some reason, I keep failing to do so. Either I have no time, or, in this case, I have time but no inspiration. I think it's the whole fate thing that's throwing me into a loop. I have a hard time imagining a character that thinks his fate is written in stone. Plus said fate is not only fate but DOOM, so I keep asking myself, wtf would this character not just commit suicide and be done with it?
People get diseases that are untreatable. Some do commit suicide but others chose to fight. Heroes aren't the type to just give up. They might still be able to do good while alive. Or it may be that they are doomed but the act that dooms them will save others.
I actually had a character who believed she was doomed. She continued to hope that she who find someway to stop the demon she inadvertantly made a deal with but didn't actually expect to stop him. Unfortunately the game ended before to much came of it.
I also had a character who was fated to become a devil lord, but he never thought that doom to be ironclad and fought it nail and teeth. In the end, he passed his birth right onto a different devil that was delighted to have it and he himself vanished into the shadows (he was a rogue/ranger/shadowdancer).
Hmm, I guess that doesn't really contribute much to this thread.
Inspiration hit me ... the only problem I have now is that I've ended up with 5 and a half pages, not including stats!
Well, I'm about to drop a similarly sized entry, so don't feel bad at all. :P
Doomed Avenger of Ioun
[Sblock = Zehir the Unliver]
Zehir, level 21
Elf Avenger (PHBII) / Serene Initiate (DP)/ Reincarnate Champion (PP)
Avenger's Censure: Censure of Pursuit (PHBII)
Past Spirit: Past Spirit (Revenant)
Background: Raised, Out for Revenge (+2 to Religion)
FINAL ABILITY SCORES
Str 14 (+12) Int 14 (+12)
Con 12 (+11) Wis 24 (+17)
Dex 24 (+17) Cha 10 (+10)
STARTING ABILITY SCORES
Str 12 (+1) Int 12 (+1)
Con 10 (+0) Wis 16 (+3)
Dex 16 (+3) Cha 8 (-1)
ABILITY SCORE INCREASES
Racial: +2 Dex, +2 Wis
4th: +1 Dex, +1 Wis
8th: +1 Dex, +1 Wis
11th: All Abilities +1
14th: +1 Dex, +1 Wis
18th: +1 Dex, +1 Wis
21st: All Abilities +1
AC: 39 (10 base + 10 level + 6 Armor (+5 Efreetweave) + 7 Dex + 6 Armor of Faith (Improved)
Fort: 35 (10 base + 10 level + 5 Enhancement + 2 Str + 2 Robust Defenses + 1 item (Belt of Vim) +4 Epic Fortitude +1 Class)
Reflex: 35 (10 Base + 10 level + 5 Enhancement + 7 Dex + 2 Robust Defenses +1 Class)
Will: 37 (10 Base + 10 Level +5 Enhancement +1 Armor (Efreetweave) + 7 Wis + 2 Robust Defenses + 1 Item (Circlet of Mental Onslaught) +1 Class)
HP: 161 (14 Base + 12 Con + 120 [6*20] Level) Surges: 8 (7 Base + 1 Con) Surge Value: 40
Initiative: +21 (10 base + 7 dex + 4 feat)
Speed: 7 (elf)
SKILLS (1/2 level + ability mod not included parenthetically, but accounted for)
TRAINED SKILLS
Religion +21 (+2 Background, +2 Many Perspectives), Perception +26 (+2 Many Perspectives, +2 Racial), Stealth +22, Streetwise +17 (+2 Many Perspectives), Nature +26 (+2 Many Perspectives, +2 Racial)
UNTRAINED SKILLS
Acrobatics +17, Arcana +14(+2 Many Perspectives), Bluff +12(+2 Many Perspectives), Diplomacy +12(+2 Many Perspectives), Dungeoneering +19(+2 Many Perspectives), Endurance +11, Heal +19(+2 Many Perspectives), History +14(+2 Many Perspectives), Insight +19(+2 Many Perspectives), Intimidate +12(+2 Many Perspectives), Thievery +17, Athletics +12
FEATS
Level 1: Improved Armor of Faith -- PHBII
Level 2: Weapon Proficiency (Fullblade) -- PHB
Level 4: Weapon Expertise (Heavy Blade) -- PHBII
Level 6: Weapon Focus (Heavy Blade) -- PHB
Level 8: Improved Initiative -- PHB
Level 10: Toughness -- PHB
Level 11: Painful Oath -- Dragon 382
Level 12: Melee Training (Wisdom) -- PHBII
Level 14: Devout Guidance -- Divine Power
Level 16: Devastating Critical -- PHB
Level 18: Paragon Defenses (retrained to Robust Defenses at Level 21) -- PHBII
Level 20: Defender of the Wild -- PHBII
Level 21: Epic Fortitude -- PHBII
POWERS
Avenger at-will 1: Focused Fury -- PHB Heroes: S2
Avenger at-will 1: Bond of Pursuit -- PHBII
Elf racial encounter 1: Elven Accuracy -- PHB
Revenant racial encounter 1: Dark Reaping -- Dragon 376
Divine encounter 1: Channel Divinity (Divine Guidance / Abjure Undead) -- PHBII
Avenger encounter 1: Oath of Enmity
Avenger encounter 1: Angelic Alacrity -- PHBII
Avenger encounter 3: Sequestering Strike -- PHBII
Avenger encounter 7: Chains of Censure -- DP
Serene Initiate encounter 11: Defining Cut -- DP
Avenger encounter 13: Whirling Blades (replaces Angelic Alacrity) -- PHBII
Avenger encounter 17: Ready the Final Blow (replaces Sequestering Strike) -- PHBII
Avenger daily 1: Argent Mantle -- DP
Avenger daily 5: Dawn Fire Sigil -- PHBII
Avenger daily 9: Fated Doom -- Dragon 372
Avenger daily 15: Temple of Brilliance (replaces Argent Mantle) -- DP
Avenger daily 19: Vengeful Recovery (replaces Dawn Fire Sigil) -- PHBII
Serene Initiate daily 20: Heaven's Edge -- DP
Avenger utility 2: Refocus Enmity -- PHBII
Avenger utility 6: Fortifying Chant -- DP
Avenger utility 10: Shielding Symbol -- DP
Serene Initiate utility 12: Deadly Calm -- DP
Avenger utility 16: Vengeful Revenant -- PHBII
RACIAL ABILITIES -- ELF (PHB)
Wild Step
Fey Origin
Group Awareness
Elven Weapon Proficiency
CLASS / PATH / DESTINY FEATURES
Armor of Faith -- Avenger
Censure of Pursuit -- Avenger
Calm Eye -- Serene Initiate
Serene Edge -- Serene Initiate
Certain Cut -- Serene Initiate
Past Spirit (Revenant) -- Reincarnate Champion
Many Perspectives -- Reincarnate Champion
ITEMS
Fullblade of Oaths Fulfilled +4 105,000 (19)
Vigorous Resolve Vestments Efreetweave Armor +5 325,000 (22)
Amulet of Protection +5 225,000 (21)
Iron Armbands of Power (paragon tier) 45,000 (16)
Gauntlets of Destruction (paragon tier) 85,000 (18)
Boots of the Fencing Master (heroic tier) 2,600 (7)
Belt of Vim (heroic tier) 3,400 (8)
Circlet of Mental Onslaught (paragon tier) + 9,000 (11)
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800,000
[/sblock]
Background
Sounds of battle echoed off the walls of the dragon's lair. Inside, five souls were battling for their collective lives.
"Damn it! Zehir's down again. Voluth, try and get him back on his feet."
"It's these gargoyles, Miles -- they're not giving me a chance to--
"Down! Get down! The Black is breathing acid again!"
The one known as Zehir blinked, did a double-take, and looked around. He had just been fighting a dragon, he was sure, but now... he was in an office? A wizened old man sat in front of him at a mahogany desk, scribbling furiously. Piles of parchment limned the office, dripping off the furniture in a style that could only be described as "one step shy of chaos".
"Oh, good" Beamed the old man, smiling at Zehir's inadvertent gasp of surprise. "It's about time you got here. It'll be a load of my back, for sure! Do you have any idea how much embarrassment your case has caused us?"
"Er..." stammered Zehir.
"Bound to happen now and again, I suppose, one files form R before they file form E, it happens to all the best of us, I'm sure. But the good news is, now that you're here, we can fix this mistake here and now, and get things going mostly how they *should* have been."
"Excuse me..." interrupted Zehir, finally having found his voice. "But where exactly is 'here'? Who the hell are you? One moment I'm fighting for my life, and the next..." Zehir trailed off, sudden fear and realization drifting across his counteance.
The scribe affixed Zehir with a piercing, grandfatherly gaze. "It's alright, boy. You can say it."
Zehir boggled at the old man. "I'm... I'm dead, aren't I?"
The Scribe nodded. "We would have had you in here earlier, but you proved stunningly resilient to whatever we could send against you."
Zehir wasn't listening. "But wait -- I'm a revenant. I was already dead, and now I'm dead again. Twice dead. Unundead? Redead?"
The old man put down his quill, moved the stack of parchment to a box marked "out" and brought his full attention to bear on the distraught soul. "Technically, son, you were... mostly dead. Now you're just dead, dead."
"But how-- the dragon! But Voluth was going to heal me--"
"And indeed he would have, were he not rendered unconscious by the same flood of acid. They aren't great dodgers, clerics..."
Zehir stammered ineffectually, then gaped as his brain finally caught up to the rest of him. "Wait, send against me? You were trying to kill me?"
The Scribe nodded sagely. "Yes. The assassins that attacked you just as you stumbled up out of the crypt, the half-elf money lender, the gnome bard; But somehow you survived all that, turning each adversary to your own benefit."
Zehir ticked off on his fingers, shaking his head in shock. "Impressed the assassins enough to get inducted into their guild, escaped the half-elf's building to...to... to..."
Zehir broke off once more as he stared at his fingers. They were long, smooth, and pinkish. He frantically grabbed his hair, his face. Understanding his concern, The Scribe snapped his fingers, depositing a small mirror into Zehir's fist. Slowly, Zehir traced his profile. "I'm not a revenant anymore. Does this mean I was an Elf before I became a revenant?"
"NO! And that's the problem!" The force of The Scribe's sudden outburst combined with a vigorous thumping of his desk to rattle the room. The multitude of papers shuddered sleepily, then decided that it wasn't worth it, remaining on their precarious perches.
"You were SUPPOSED to be an Elf. I know because I presided over your initial documentation myself! Allow me to paraphrase: "Brave Elf hero, world renowned, dies in unforeseen circumstances, lifelong quest tragically unfulfilled, raised as Revenant to complete his destiny." Of course, then some intern in auditing screws up the papers, and we wind up with...ah..." he gestured. "You. A mistake."
Zehir stared blankly at the old man. "So what exactly does that mean?"
The Scribe "harrumphed", slammed both hands flat to the desk, leaned forward, the picture of rage. (The papers, wisely, decided that this too would be an inopportune time to conduct mischief, and remained still) "It means that we messed up! You were never an Elf. You were a Revenant without a past life! An anomaly! An error! An accident! How the hell can we expect you to fulfill your vengeful purpose if you never came to realize it in the first place!"
Zehir stayed quiet. Not quite scared, but still feeling distinctly out of his element.
The Scribe coughed, and sat back down. "So we tried to kill you quickly, before you could interfere with the fate of too many others. Unfortunately, you've been active for years now. The damage has already been done."
Zehir gulped. "So what are you going to do with me?"
The old man smiled, bittersweet. "We're going to pretend this little gaffe never happened. You're going to resurrect as an Elf, think you always *were* an Elf, and when you die, you'll turn into a revenant, like you're supposed to, finish your destiny on the prime material, and then move on."
He sighed. "Of course, It means you don't get to experience childhood. No parents either. But you know what they say -- the simplest solution is most often correct one. Look on the bright side though -- you're going to be the dashing hero with a clouded past. Clouded, because it doesn't exist. Ha!"
Zehir struggled to his feet. "N-now wait just one minute here! Don't I get any say in this?"
The Scribe ignored him. He pulled a small piece of parchment out from one pocket, a pair of reading glasses from the other, then he cleared his throat and began reading. "You are about to be resurrected by the Cleric Voluth. Do you want to return to the realm of the living?"
"I, er... what, Voluth?"
The Scribe made a note. "The soul is willing to return to life."
"Wait a minute, I didn't--"
"Disclaimer: Resurrection spells are inherently dangerous, and may be taxing on both body and mind. Some atrophy of facilities may result.
"Er, you mean like, permanently?"
The Scribe ignored this latest outburst and returned to the scroll of parchment. "All resurrections are final; no refunds, replacements or warranties. Any future deaths will require new resurrections, which may be subject to a different terminal conditions based on time, condition, and circumstances of death. If you'd like to contest a resurrection, you may appear before the Raven Court, but be aware that all judgments are final."
The Scribe looked down at a drastically befuddled Zehir, who still seemed unable to grasp the enormity of the situation.
"Oh, and your destiny should still be the same. So, next time you die, unfulfilled, of course, we'll incarnate you as a revenant for real."
The Scribe snapped his fingers, and both the paper and the Terms of Resurrection vanished with a small chiming sound.
"All right, that about finishes us up here. I'll see you again when we're stuffing you back into a revenant. Any last questions?"
Zehir shook his head slowly, trying to arrange his thoughts. "I...how... so I'm doomed to die tragically and unfulfilled?"
The Scribe smiled. "Well, to be fair, it'll only be a temporary doom. Remember-- revenant."
Zehir shook his head in frank shock. "Small comfort. I'm doomed. Great..."
Judging the conversation at its end, the old man clapped his hands, shunting Zehir's soul back to the world of the living. The old man scratched his chin. "I think I fixed his memory so he didn't remember any of that. Ah well. Even if he does remember, there's nothing he can do about it." He chuckled at that. "A doomed elf who thinks he was a revenant!" This last outburst of laughter was all the inspiration the parchment needed to gleefully cascade around the room in a storm of paper and dust. The Scribe sighed. "Ah, Raven Queen, this paperwork will run me ragged yet."
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History
Details surrounding the early career of the Elf Avenger known as Zehir are contradictory at best. What is known for certain, is that a small band of heroes calling themselves the Sterling Rooks engaged and slew the black dragon Xyronglair. Though one of their number was slain in battle, he was resurrected several days later by the party cleric. That unlucky member, was Zehir.
When he was newly raised, Zehir appeared amnesiac and crazed. He was convinced that he had never been an elf, and could remember neither his past, nor his real name. He raved about how he was a revenant assassin named Zehir, despite no evidence suggesting either point. Distressed by their former ally's bout of "resurrection sickness", the company decided to leave him in the care of the local priests of Ioun rather than drag their addled friend around, doing heroic things.
When the elf emerged from the Iounian temples some years later, he was once again sound of mind (though he still maintained that he had once been a revenant). Zehir had had some sort of epiphany under the Iounian's care, for his spirit and convictions were renewed entirely -- he converted to Ioun, and soon set out to "right what wrongs I can now, so I won't have to right them later". Ioun's domain of knowledge proved all the incentive the avenger needed to restart his adventuring career -- he seeks to thwart wrongs in Iouns name, hoping to eventually be rewarded with knowledge about himself.
Zehir quickly became a well-known mercenary much praised for his steadfast determination and flawless contractual record. When the avenger said he'd do something, it got done, and Zehir would often completely avoid further contracts until all previous engagements had been settled.
But Zehir couldn't remain a mercenary forever -- by his own word, he was destined for greater things. When a cult of Zehir sent a cadre of assassins against Zehir, rightly finding him guilty of blasphemy to their god, Zehir the Avenger not only survived, but took the events as divine mandate. Over the next several years Zehir traveled from nation to nation, exhuming and then annihilating cult after cult to the god of poison. Convinced he will become a revenant after his death, Zehir does not fear repercussions for his actions -- "if you manage to kill me, I will only return to exact total vengeance upon you for that deed" is one of his most often uttered oaths.
At the very least, Zehir has tempered his zeal, for he now realizes that he is dealing with forces and powers too great for a single person, future revenanthood not withstanding. Zehir has begun seeking allies to help him in his ultimate quest do defeat the lord of poison ("he stole my name" jokes Zehir). He realizes that the path ahead is yet long, but is determined to steadfastly face whatever fate throws at him, whether that means helping his friends, saving the world form unseen conspirators, or even laying down his life so that others might yet live.
"I have died once, and know that I will do so again.
I am Zehir the Unliver. I am doomed, and I laugh at he who seeks to doom me."
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Allies and Enemies
The Sterling Rooks
This company of adventurers are old friends of Zehir, having adventured with him since before what he calls "his genesis". They have not made quite the name for themselves as the self-proclaimed former revenant, but Zehir has kept in touch with them over the years, and the group continues to look for a chance to repay the favor.
The Church of Ioun
Zehir recovered from his bout with death here, and under the gentle urgings of the kind priests who tended him, took up Ioun's name as his banner. Zehir sought the truth concerning the true circumstances of his death, and his past, and goes into battle secure in his faith that Ioun shall make such secrets known to him in due time.
The Church of Zehir
Those who worship Zehir-the-god are quite displeased with Zehir-the-avenger. Dozens of their cells and cults have been discovered and eliminated by the single-minded focus of the elf, and the higher members of the clergy are secretly wondering if their inability to slay the avenger stems from the dark blessing of their capricious god himself. They will do nearly anything to prove false these rumors, and are actively and continually seeking those who will help them see avenger slain for good.
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Personality
Even though he readily claims he no longer fears his death, Zehir is not suicidal or overly reckless. He is calm, confidant, and perhaps even a slight bit manic, but he is not a fool. Other people might find his self-assuredness and mater-of-fact fatalism a bit grim, but Zehir laughs off their worries. "I will not die of old-age" he often proclaims, and is fond of urging others to action even after hard fights -- Zehir does not like to rest, preferring to achieve his objectives as expeditiously as possible. His energy seems boundless. Though Zehir tolerates lying and deception to serve one's own ends, he rapidly becomes bitter and angry if he thinks someone is not "finishing the job". In his mind, things must be completed legitimately, or not at all.
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Physical Description
Zehir is tall and thin for an elf, with a long blonde hair and blue eyes. He usually wears a robe of ceremonial white leather robes, emphasizing style over the protection actual leather would provide. His Fullblade, Sunkisser, is also long and slim, kept on a personally crafted scabbard on his waist, the blade usually resting horizontally just behind and below his elbows. He is at least marginally handsome, though his personality generally tends to keep women far away from him (a fact which doesn't seem to bother Zehir overmuch).
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Tactics
When working as part of a group, Zehir tends to use his maneuverability and speed to skirt the edges of the main battle, looking for more desirable targets such as wizards and archers who are hiding behind thier frontline fodder. He always tries to position himself to use his Oath of Emnity, but if that is not an option, may mark the opponents instead (using his warden multi-class ability), hoping to draw fire away from his allies as he tries to garner a better tactical position. Zehir tries to attack every turn, knowing that even if he doesn't get the accuracy boost from his oath, he is still likely to deal damage because of his Serene Initiate Paragon Path features.
I know some people don't like spoiler blocks, but I've spoiler blocked the stat block anyway or the post would have been even huger. ;)
Veok: Good to see another huge post - I feel less guilty now.
I actually almost made something on the revenant thematic too, I'm glad now I didn't. Oh, and I like it. @Wrecan -- do you not consider the Monk, Seeker, etc. released either? Githzerai got a debut article just the same as the Psion, the Ardent, and the others. (And Hybrids next tuesday!)
Ack. I meant to edit that bit. That was in my first draft of notes. I went back and read the article before scoring and realized it was a debut article not a play test article. I forget to edit that in my notes. Sorry.
FRAZZILMechanically, I had some issues. First, the Weapon Expertise is in Heavy Blades, not longsword. Second, Frazzil doesn't qualify for Heavy Blade Mastery because his Strength is only 18, and the requirement is 21. Third, you only took one fighter at-will; Frazzil gets two. Fourth, you didn't choose a 17th level power.
You were bold in making up a new power and a new item. I feel that the power is a bit overpowered for a 19th level spell. A lot of 19th level dailies grant combat advantage on a hit, but none also grant it on a miss, and I think guaranteed combat advantage on a miss puts it a bitover the edge, though not far.
I find the boon a bit more puzzling. You spent almost half your cash on a "boon" that you can't control and which takes you out of the battle for a few rounds, and also causes you allies to take daage when you use a healing surge. (Query: whose Strength modifier is used in the power?)
ResponseI take it from the lack of comment that the background was good this time.
DONNY NOMANI think your novel character appears dynamic and entertaining. My biggest problem should come as no surprise to you... he's a superhero, not a D&D character. I mean, sure, he fits the D&D rules, but clearly, he's built to be played in a superhero campaign, or at least a d20 Modern campaign. It sounds like a very entertaining novel, but very limited in usefulness outside that novel. (As a side note, and I hate to say this, but I'm a father of two cartoon-loving girls, and when I read this story, it felt very reminiscent of the Nickelodeon show Danny Phantom. I'm sure that's just a function of your having to condense a novel into a short post, but it's something you might want to consider.)
By simply cutting and pasting the character builder notepad dump of the character, you leave out some important information. For example, you did not list his languages, which may have been intentional, as it appears you want him to speak Supernal, which is not a valid initial language choice. Otherwise, I had no mechanical criticism of the character, and am impressed you were able to spend his cash right down to the last gold piece. I also like that you suggested powers he might take in future levels. Also, there were lots of typos.
LUCIUS SENECAThis is a good story for a character arc. I thought the idea of a character being manipulated by Vecna to fight a different evil deity is a good one, and Tharizdun was a good choice. I thought, however, that given this character is now epic tier, he should have had more information about his adventuring history. Hs he garnered any enemies along the way? How did he get all his toys? Are they bought, commissioned or found? We have a paragraph on his origin and then we skip over 21 levels of adventuring with “walking a bloody corpse-filled path”. You skipped over the most exciting part! (That I want to hear about this part means you created a compelling character with an intriguing backstory.)
My biggest problem with the narrative portion of the entry is that Lucius doesn’t actually feel doomed. He’s manipulated, but nowhere in the entry do you say that Lucius feels he is destined to die. At most, he knows he is going to face a formidable foe, but at no point did you say that he knew he wouldn’t survive the final confrontation, and that’s sort of the whole point of the contest. Unless “Fine… let him come” is supposed to be Lucius believing the lich’s story. But why would he believe the lich? And his splitting the skull indicates a defiance against the prophecy showing he doesn’t believe he is going to be sacrificed. I’m very confused as to how this character meets the requirement for the contest.
There were a bunch of typos. Mechanically, you gave yourself a +2 background bonus to both religion and arcana. Backgrounds only give you a bonus to one skill. Otherwise, this was fine and well-organized and a nice array of powers. Also, you didn’t list the money you still have on hand, which by my count is 5,000 gp (since you don’t count the adventurer’s kit). Also, you didn’t give yourself any arrows for your longbow. Finally, there is no “neutral” alignment in 4e. Lucius should be listed as “Unaligned”.
Lucius' mindset reflects that: he knows he's doomed, he's just not down about it. He's been cursed his whole life. whats a little doom more or less?
See, I didn't get that he knows he's doomed. Seems to me he's been overcoming so-called dooms his whole life and this "doom" was just another obstacle to be cut in half.
DONNY NOMANTypos? *Goes back to entry.* What typos?
- "Maggot" and "worm" should be in quotations.
- "he had lost" should be "he lost".
- "cat and dog" should be "cats and dogs".
- A lot of missing commas.
- You swich around between first- and third-person narration.
Those are just the ones I find re-glancing at your entry. I didn't keep a detailed list.
DONNY NOMANTypos? *Goes back to entry.* What typos?
- "Maggot" and "worm" should be in quotations.
- "he had lost" should be "he lost".
- "cat and dog" should be "cats and dogs".
- A lot of missing commas.
- You swich around between first- and third-person narration.
Those are just the ones I find re-glancing at your entry. I didn't keep a detailed list.
Background: I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he's got a good reason for adventuring and lots of hooks to work with. He would probably fit in OK with a band of adventurers. But he doesn't really feel fleshed out enough for an epic-tier hero. You did a good job of presenting his backstory, his doom, but I didn't feel like I really learned much about Lucius himself.
Rules Use: Everything checked out, and if you weren't especially optimized you weren't notably unoptimized either. You got a couple feat/power names wrong but I could tell what you meant so no problems there. My only concern was the Demonslayer PP: if he and his family have mostly been pestered by undead all this time, why would he focus on fighting demons?
Clarity: Not organized the way I would have done it, but you really went above and beyond in providing not just sources but page numbers and short descriptions of feats, powers, etc.
Ah, yes, I was mostly organizing so that if I played him, I'd have an overview by power type (at-will, encounter, daily). I didn't take into consideration reviewing it one by one, and even less so reviewing it by using books as I kind of assumed that if about all of DDI is accessible, the judges would use DDI to review and thus not need book references.
Donny Noman by Omnirahk_half-RahkshiThematic Creativity: Very creative. The doom feels a little shaky in that his existence dooms the universe, so he intends to destroy himself, rather than a more traditional externally imposed doom, but it's still acceptable.
Background: A really cool story with some nice hooks, but it has some flaws. First, it's kind of specific about the nature of the gameworld; it really dictates a lot of features of the setting that a normal character wouldn't. Second, Donny doesn't really seem like the type to be with an adventuring party. I could see him accepting help for a little while, but not working with a group long-term. You did a good job of presenting the transition from normal guy to cursed hero, but the hints of his relationship with Thallos were what really intrigued me; I think those could have been fleshed out more.
Rules Use: All the math checks out. I liked how you fluffed the various magic items, and most of the choices, if not particularly optimized, felt thematically appropriate.
Clarity: Perfectly adequate, if burdened with an overabundance of line-breaks. :p
Processing... processing... processing...
Background: I had mixed feelings. On the one hand, he's got a good reason for adventuring and lots of hooks to work with. He would probably fit in OK with a band of adventurers. But he doesn't really feel fleshed out enough for an epic-tier hero. You did a good job of presenting his backstory, his doom, but I didn't feel like I really learned much about Lucius himself.
Rules Use: Everything checked out, and if you weren't especially optimized you weren't notably unoptimized either. You got a couple feat/power names wrong but I could tell what you meant so no problems there. My only concern was the Demonslayer PP: if he and his family have mostly been pestered by undead all this time, why would he focus on fighting demons?
Clarity: Not organized the way I would have done it, but you really went above and beyond in providing not just sources but page numbers and short descriptions of feats, powers, etc.