Issues with the Group - Downloaded from the Wizards Community, all coding removed by Solauren

Issues with the Group

Post/Author/DateTime Post
#1
divinitas_fatum
Oct 05, 2011 15:04:48
My group almost always gets together on Friday nights. Last week, however, the session was postponed until Saturday afternoon because the DM was not ready (He's new). I told the group I most likely wouldn't be able make it. We almost always meet at my house because I've been the DM for the past 3 years, my house has more room, and I own most of the things we need to game.

Saturday morning rolls around, I finished work and informed every by noon (they were starting at 2) that I would be able to play. However, I was still on call, but I most likely wouldn't have to do more than check email until 11:00 pm. So, I needed to stay at home. I have an office set up for work that is separate from the room we play in, so if I did needed to I would go to that room to work in peace and quiet.

To my shock, the group refused to come over to my house. They said I was welcome to come to the DM's house and play with them, and if I needed to work I could just leave or work in one of their bed rooms. I explained that I couldn't play anywhere but my house. I would have needed to move computers, miniatures, gaming mat, and my work setup. Plus, I wouldn't be productive in someone else's bedroom if I actually had to work. So it was much easier to just meet at my house as normal. One of the players, which already arrived at the DM’s house, refused to play if he had to relocate to my house (even though that player would need to drive past my house to get home). Two of the players live next door to the DM, and one of the players is the DM’s roommate. So, 5 of the 7 members of our group were already there. They concluded that since one person refused to play if they relocated and no one else wanted to drive the 10 minutes to my house that they would game without me. To which my response was “Wow, **** you guys then” (the entire conversation was in text).

I’m still very offended that they couldn’t drive 10 minutes to help me out. Especially considering that I got the group together (3.5 years ago). I DMed for almost all of that time. I provided all the tools we needed to play. Plus, I’ve helped all of them out a lot outside of gaming (I’ve helped almost all of them in school. I got one of them his job. And countless other favors). Until recently, I thought anyone in the group would have done the same for me, but that theory might not hold up (I rarely need any help).

I have had some issues with the player that refused to relocate to my house. He is very passive aggressive and very easily offended. He also likes to push his agenda onto everyone else. We just don’t get along, and have tried in the past to resolve our differences. After this incident, I’ve decided that I no longer want to be his friend. Nor do I want to play D&D with him. This brings me to my question. I want to continue gaming with my current group, but I want this player out of the group. The other players are his friends, so I doubt they will kick him out. How should I proceed?
#2
slobo777a
Oct 05, 2011 15:39:31 You cancelled, the rest of the group made other plans. I think you were being unreasonable with them (and with yourself) to attempt to un-cancel - with conditions attached - at the last minute.

So personally I'd start by apologising for being an arse, and whatever happens try to remain on good terms with the other players, whether you play D&D with them again or not.

I suggest that your best move for playing sooner is to start up another game, and invite players (including members of the current group - especially if you can work it so the games don't clash) that you want to play. It means a step back a few years, but it's not the end of the world.
#3
divinitas_fatum
Oct 05, 2011 15:47:54 I wouldn't consider 2 hours notice last minute. Considering that the game was moved to Saturday 2 hours before we were going to start on Friday, and my only need was that they drive 10 minutes.

I'm still on good terms with most of the group, but I wouldn't be able to start a game that didn't clash with their existing game. I'm also suffering from DM burn out.

Regardless, thanks for the advice.
#4
Cohen95
Oct 05, 2011 23:05:33
I wouldn't consider 2 hours notice last minute. Considering that the game was moved to Saturday 2 hours before we were going to start on Friday, and my only need was that they drive 10 minutes.

I'm still on good terms with most of the group, but I wouldn't be able to start a game that didn't clash with their existing game. I'm also suffering from DM burn out.

Regardless, thanks for the advice.

Really anything within 24 hours of start time is last minute to me and my group, but that's a matter best left to you and your group to decide. A lot of our members come from out of town and have to specifically set up plans to make it to game (baysitters, et al), so for us anything from the evening prior forward is last minute.

Frankly, it sounds like maybe the group doesn't want to play with you? Obviously passive aggressive guy doesn't care for you (whether or not that's something you should even care about is another matter, though).

Honestly, if you want to try to "him or me" your group, you're asking to get kicked out. If you have a problem with the current group, be it composition, gaming location, what-have-you, the best you can do is voice your concerns and preference, but it's the ultimately the group's decision, and if they like not having to drive (even 10 minutes), and they like the passive aggressive guy, you're out of luck.

I would just try to find a game shop that hosts LFR or Encounters, and after gaming there for a month or two, try to recruit a new group. I did this after my last group fell apart, and it's turned out very well for me.
#5
Pyrate_Jib
Oct 06, 2011 10:32:25 I DM'd for a group where I had problems with one player. After awhile I discovered it wasn't fun (thanks in part to my wife who watched the whole thing unravel). I think your situation with the passive aggressive player is similar. I left the group and started my own! With the online sources available I was back in a weekly campaign in 6 months. Made some great new friends! One of the "old" group players followed me to the new group (although others considered leaving the group). End result was different strokes for different folks.
#6
yronimosw
Oct 06, 2011 15:42:02
...my response was “Wow, **** you guys then” (the entire conversation was in text)...

It sounds like you've burned your bridges there. Trying to recover from that sort of drama would be awkward, especially if real life continues to interfere with the game... if you don't plan to follow through with that, good luck on trying to patch things up.

Speaking of real life, it also sounds like you weren't able to commit to the game that Saturday, at someone else's house or at your own, because of your job. There's nothing inherently wrong with that - it's a sort of an official house rule for our group: "Real life comes first." One way you did go wrong in this case, unfortunately, is by trying to have your cake and eat it too: trying to maintain the responsiblity of your job while trying to be part of the game at the same time, with the effect that the other members of the group have to make sacrifices to accomodate you.

Your best bet would have been to just cancel the game, enjoy the free time for the rest of the day by reading a book, and try to make it to the next game session. If you can't show up at the scheduled time for the next game sessions either, then discuss a formal change of schedule and withdraw from the game if the schedule change is impossible.

I can sympathize that you helped set up the group, and you feel that they owe you some loyalty and sacrifices in return, but, sadly, that's not the way these things actually work in the real world. In the real world, you've put everything you put into the game for your own benefit, and any loyalty and sacrifices the rest of the group gives you "in return" is just gravy.
#7
divinitas_fatum
Oct 06, 2011 16:33:52

One way you did go wrong in this case, unfortunately, is by trying to have your cake and eat it too: trying to maintain the responsiblity of your job while trying to be part of the game at the same time, with the effect that the other members of the group have to make sacrifices to accomodate you.

Yes, I asked my friends to make a minor accommodation so I could be a part of the game. Is that wrong or unreasonable? All I asked them to do was drive 3 miles, something they were completely willing to do the night before had the DM not cancelled.

After talking with some of the group, the main problem was the one player that refused to relocate. So everyone was put in a position where they had to choose who to game with. They decided to stay where they were. Partly because it was easier and partly because the one player convinced them I was being selfish.

#8
yronimosw
Oct 06, 2011 17:24:37 Like I said, I can sympathize.

But, from their point of view, the game got canceled, and then uncanceled and postponed to a different day and a different location. Then, you couldn't be there, but then you could, but you couldn't really be there because you had to be at home, because you were finished with your work but you weren't really finished.

It doesn't seem like a lot to ask to you, but by that point they've been through a big run-around... I'd say it's natural that they chose to stay where they were and not change plans one more time.

It didn't help that they were also being forced to choose between gaming with an old friend who wasn't there and could still be distracted by work at any moment even if (s)he were there, and a newer friend who was there and could commit to playing.

Sorry that things didn't work out for you, but it sounds like your friends were doing the best they could to make the best of a frustrating situation of the sort where they lose no matter what decision they make.
#9
robertread3
Oct 06, 2011 18:45:18 i think it was just they were all already set up, but somtimes stuff happens i feel for you bro but try not to take it personally, they probably dident mean it that way.
#10
1red13
Oct 08, 2011 17:24:20 If it is only ten minutes away for them it is only ten minutes away for you as well. If that is too far to accomadate your work then maybe you didn't have as much time as you thought for gaming. As everyone else is either at the dms place or lives right beside them it may be coming across to them that you expected all of them to be inconvenienced so that you don't have to be.

There is a pretty significant benefit to having the game at ones own house and your fellow gamers may be thinking that you're taking that for granted. It may seem to you that you are in part doing them a favour for having a roomy place to game with plenty of accessories, but they may see it as doing you a favour having the games at your house.

I would think that your feelings were hurt and you were miffed your fellow gamers didn't stand with you. That happens and I wouldn't let it get to you. By virtue of gaming with friends of friends or aquantencaes yoy eventually games with someone you wouldn't have chosen. I would just chalk up to a one off experience. You want to keep gaming with everyone else so being civil to one person isn't going to kill you.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 divinitas_fatum Oct 05, 2011 15:04:48	My group almost always gets together on Friday nights. Last week, however, the session was postponed until Saturday afternoon because the DM was not ready (He's new). I told the group I most likely wouldn't be able make it. We almost always meet at my house because I've been the DM for the past 3 years, my house has more room, and I own most of the things we need to game. Saturday morning rolls around, I finished work and informed every by noon (they were starting at 2) that I would be able to play. However, I was still on call, but I most likely wouldn't have to do more than check email until 11:00 pm. So, I needed to stay at home. I have an office set up for work that is separate from the room we play in, so if I did needed to I would go to that room to work in peace and quiet. To my shock, the group refused to come over to my house. They said I was welcome to come to the DM's house and play with them, and if I needed to work I could just leave or work in one of their bed rooms. I explained that I couldn't play anywhere but my house. I would have needed to move computers, miniatures, gaming mat, and my work setup. Plus, I wouldn't be productive in someone else's bedroom if I actually had to work. So it was much easier to just meet at my house as normal. One of the players, which already arrived at the DM’s house, refused to play if he had to relocate to my house (even though that player would need to drive past my house to get home). Two of the players live next door to the DM, and one of the players is the DM’s roommate. So, 5 of the 7 members of our group were already there. They concluded that since one person refused to play if they relocated and no one else wanted to drive the 10 minutes to my house that they would game without me. To which my response was “Wow, **** you guys then” (the entire conversation was in text). I’m still very offended that they couldn’t drive 10 minutes to help me out. Especially considering that I got the group together (3.5 years ago). I DMed for almost all of that time. I provided all the tools we needed to play. Plus, I’ve helped all of them out a lot outside of gaming (I’ve helped almost all of them in school. I got one of them his job. And countless other favors). Until recently, I thought anyone in the group would have done the same for me, but that theory might not hold up (I rarely need any help). I have had some issues with the player that refused to relocate to my house. He is very passive aggressive and very easily offended. He also likes to push his agenda onto everyone else. We just don’t get along, and have tried in the past to resolve our differences. After this incident, I’ve decided that I no longer want to be his friend. Nor do I want to play D&D with him. This brings me to my question. I want to continue gaming with my current group, but I want this player out of the group. The other players are his friends, so I doubt they will kick him out. How should I proceed?
#2 slobo777a Oct 05, 2011 15:39:31	You cancelled, the rest of the group made other plans. I think you were being unreasonable with them (and with yourself) to attempt to un-cancel - with conditions attached - at the last minute. So personally I'd start by apologising for being an arse, and whatever happens try to remain on good terms with the other players, whether you play D&D with them again or not. I suggest that your best move for playing sooner is to start up another game, and invite players (including members of the current group - especially if you can work it so the games don't clash) that you want to play. It means a step back a few years, but it's not the end of the world.
#3 divinitas_fatum Oct 05, 2011 15:47:54	I wouldn't consider 2 hours notice last minute. Considering that the game was moved to Saturday 2 hours before we were going to start on Friday, and my only need was that they drive 10 minutes. I'm still on good terms with most of the group, but I wouldn't be able to start a game that didn't clash with their existing game. I'm also suffering from DM burn out. Regardless, thanks for the advice.
#4 Cohen95 Oct 05, 2011 23:05:33	I wouldn't consider 2 hours notice last minute. Considering that the game was moved to Saturday 2 hours before we were going to start on Friday, and my only need was that they drive 10 minutes. I'm still on good terms with most of the group, but I wouldn't be able to start a game that didn't clash with their existing game. I'm also suffering from DM burn out. Regardless, thanks for the advice. Really anything within 24 hours of start time is last minute to me and my group, but that's a matter best left to you and your group to decide. A lot of our members come from out of town and have to specifically set up plans to make it to game (baysitters, et al), so for us anything from the evening prior forward is last minute. Frankly, it sounds like maybe the group doesn't want to play with you? Obviously passive aggressive guy doesn't care for you (whether or not that's something you should even care about is another matter, though). Honestly, if you want to try to "him or me" your group, you're asking to get kicked out. If you have a problem with the current group, be it composition, gaming location, what-have-you, the best you can do is voice your concerns and preference, but it's the ultimately the group's decision, and if they like not having to drive (even 10 minutes), and they like the passive aggressive guy, you're out of luck. I would just try to find a game shop that hosts LFR or Encounters, and after gaming there for a month or two, try to recruit a new group. I did this after my last group fell apart, and it's turned out very well for me.
#5 Pyrate_Jib Oct 06, 2011 10:32:25	I DM'd for a group where I had problems with one player. After awhile I discovered it wasn't fun (thanks in part to my wife who watched the whole thing unravel). I think your situation with the passive aggressive player is similar. I left the group and started my own! With the online sources available I was back in a weekly campaign in 6 months. Made some great new friends! One of the "old" group players followed me to the new group (although others considered leaving the group). End result was different strokes for different folks.
#6 yronimosw Oct 06, 2011 15:42:02	...my response was “Wow, **** you guys then” (the entire conversation was in text)... It sounds like you've burned your bridges there. Trying to recover from that sort of drama would be awkward, especially if real life continues to interfere with the game... if you don't plan to follow through with that, good luck on trying to patch things up. Speaking of real life, it also sounds like you weren't able to commit to the game that Saturday, at someone else's house or at your own, because of your job. There's nothing inherently wrong with that - it's a sort of an official house rule for our group: "Real life comes first." One way you did go wrong in this case, unfortunately, is by trying to have your cake and eat it too: trying to maintain the responsiblity of your job while trying to be part of the game at the same time, with the effect that the other members of the group have to make sacrifices to accomodate you. Your best bet would have been to just cancel the game, enjoy the free time for the rest of the day by reading a book, and try to make it to the next game session. If you can't show up at the scheduled time for the next game sessions either, then discuss a formal change of schedule and withdraw from the game if the schedule change is impossible. I can sympathize that you helped set up the group, and you feel that they owe you some loyalty and sacrifices in return, but, sadly, that's not the way these things actually work in the real world. In the real world, you've put everything you put into the game for your own benefit, and any loyalty and sacrifices the rest of the group gives you "in return" is just gravy.
#7 divinitas_fatum Oct 06, 2011 16:33:52	One way you did go wrong in this case, unfortunately, is by trying to have your cake and eat it too: trying to maintain the responsiblity of your job while trying to be part of the game at the same time, with the effect that the other members of the group have to make sacrifices to accomodate you. Yes, I asked my friends to make a minor accommodation so I could be a part of the game. Is that wrong or unreasonable? All I asked them to do was drive 3 miles, something they were completely willing to do the night before had the DM not cancelled. After talking with some of the group, the main problem was the one player that refused to relocate. So everyone was put in a position where they had to choose who to game with. They decided to stay where they were. Partly because it was easier and partly because the one player convinced them I was being selfish.
#8 yronimosw Oct 06, 2011 17:24:37	Like I said, I can sympathize. But, from their point of view, the game got canceled, and then uncanceled and postponed to a different day and a different location. Then, you couldn't be there, but then you could, but you couldn't really be there because you had to be at home, because you were finished with your work but you weren't really finished. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask to you, but by that point they've been through a big run-around... I'd say it's natural that they chose to stay where they were and not change plans one more time. It didn't help that they were also being forced to choose between gaming with an old friend who wasn't there and could still be distracted by work at any moment even if (s)he were there, and a newer friend who was there and could commit to playing. Sorry that things didn't work out for you, but it sounds like your friends were doing the best they could to make the best of a frustrating situation of the sort where they lose no matter what decision they make.
#9 robertread3 Oct 06, 2011 18:45:18	i think it was just they were all already set up, but somtimes stuff happens i feel for you bro but try not to take it personally, they probably dident mean it that way.
#10 1red13 Oct 08, 2011 17:24:20	If it is only ten minutes away for them it is only ten minutes away for you as well. If that is too far to accomadate your work then maybe you didn't have as much time as you thought for gaming. As everyone else is either at the dms place or lives right beside them it may be coming across to them that you expected all of them to be inconvenienced so that you don't have to be. There is a pretty significant benefit to having the game at ones own house and your fellow gamers may be thinking that you're taking that for granted. It may seem to you that you are in part doing them a favour for having a roomy place to game with plenty of accessories, but they may see it as doing you a favour having the games at your house. I would think that your feelings were hurt and you were miffed your fellow gamers didn't stand with you. That happens and I wouldn't let it get to you. By virtue of gaming with friends of friends or aquantencaes yoy eventually games with someone you wouldn't have chosen. I would just chalk up to a one off experience. You want to keep gaming with everyone else so being civil to one person isn't going to kill you.