I'll start with:
-Kill All Witnesses - You never know when letting that child live will come back to bite you in the ass.
-Don't Trust Towns People - You never know when the stern looking man that let you into his house under the guise of allowing you to stay the night will poison you and rob you blind. (Sub-lesson: Don't Drink the Stern Man's Tea)
Your turn!
These are based on times I've had as a PC. I'll post more as I think of them if the thread doesn't die off
.-Don't Panic- (I've said that twice "today". I say that because the first time I said it was yesterday here in the Pacific NW) If you lose your head, your neck will probably follow.
-Always Keep A Spare Weapon- Duh.
-Think Of Clever Ways To Hide A Weapon- Can be combined with the above.
-Women's Armor Is Ineffective- Showing cleavage is a standing invitation to Gettingstabbedburgh.
-If You Have A Class Feature That Can Be Done Every Round, Do It!- Our first warlock and warden (same guy) were remarkably bad at remembering curses, Shadow Walk and marking. We had to remind him.
-Always Get Armor And NAD Items- A prospective group member (we ended up not accepting him, as he was a bad fit anyway) tried to join with a character who had 3 magic mordenkrad with different enchantments. He wore no magic armor or neck slot items.
-Don't Neglect Your Weapons- The reverse of the above, unless you do absolutely no attacking on your own or are playing a 3e caster.
-Don't Be Stingy With The Healing- Again, our warlord. Never very good at timing, and the warden died as a result.
-Don't Do Something You're Not Meant For- Assault swordmages make bad strikers. Prime Shot is a really bad idea for TWF rangers.
-Armor Is Useless- Our swordmage/fighter has a high AC. He still gets hit. A lot.
-The Pythagorean Theorem Means Nothing- Seriously. Fireballs somehow are squares.
-The Pythagorean Theorem Means Nothing- Seriously. Fireballs somehow are squares.
"Should'a use the Pythagorean Theorem, b*tch!"
-Tankmen
Sorry, you reminded me of that.
If you're a dwarf, you don't get along with elves, just because they're elves. This works the other way around as well. Everybody hates goblins and orcs, and outright kill them on sight.
And why? Race.
Nice going, DnD... :P
He who fights and runs away.......would never have been able to in 2E
You can't make a purse from a sow's ear.........but Crown Royal bags are excellent for holding your dice
(Thank you Dork Tower!!!)
If you can't negotiate, retreat.
If you can't retreat, attack.
Always protect the healer.
All prisons and jail cells are inescapable (serioulsy every prison my Pcs have been in were all inescapeable)
There is no air in the plane of vacuum.
DnD vampires can't survive in sun light very long.
Robbing tombs is viable occupation.
If on the rare occasion one of your mad schemes comes to fruition but you failed to kill every last member of your party follow any relevant advice found here.
When not killing teammates make sure to have lots of skill points in disguise so the local authorities won't be able to recognize you after a night of assassinations, murders, thefts, vandalism, trespassing, and/or shenanigans.
He might be a dragon in disguise that will save you when your whole group is knocked out by a minatour.
Seriously, that actually happened
And agreed that rogues (or rogue-ish characters) are deadly, even in v3.5.
I once saved most of the group with various strange mind-affecting spells. One made all the bad guys turn on each other. 'Twas fun
So mind-affecting spells = good.
-Use your Wish spells when the DM is drunk.
-DO NOT use your Wish spells when you are drunk.
-Calling a fighter silly names causes him to perform poorly for weeks.
-DO NOT use your Wish spells when you are drunk.
I like that one, kind of like drunk dialing....never good.
I like that one, kind of like drunk dialing....never good.
I.... I whishhhhhh... I wi-Whish for EVERYONE to have a sword as awesome as mine... then we could ALL fight the dragon... *hic*
Even worse:
I wish for dragons to swap roles with dungeons. So, we'd have to adventure INSIDE the dragon to fight the dungeon.
Watch your mouth. Off-hand comments will come back to bite you in the ass. Namely the wizard while hanging out in town "I magic missile a child." He ended up getting executed.
Yeah I did this to my PCs... one of them, while exploring a cavern system said, "I pick up a rat and start torturing it for information."
My response was "Ok. The rat bites you. You don't feel well and your goggles of aura sight tell you have you contracted mummy-rot."
-"More organs means more human." -Invader Zim
-In all their fervor to get bad ass gear and weaponry, some fool always forgets the essentials like food and water and dies most unheroically then.
-A d4 is perhaps the most painful die to step on. Not unlike a caltrop.
-Evidence of papercuts on a player/DM is usually a good sign of compentance or gaming veterancy. Cheetos stains in multiple books is not.
-Morality is subjective in many justificaitons; are they undead or living-impaired? Ethnic cleansing or favored enemy?
If the DM describes a beggar, always give him money.
He might be a dragon in disguise that will save you when your whole group is knocked out by a minatour.
Not always true. If your DM is cynical, you might end up getting chased down the sewer system by a mob of poor people, like my cleric.
Things I learned:
Always use your enviroment: Suddenly, that monster is much less threatening when he's stuck under mine cart.
Dont kill orphans: Unless you dont mind trouble with the guards.
Never let 15 year old boys be evil: Oh, you rob and murder everyone in town. Very original guys.
When your in a bad situation, and had little to do with it, there is a deux ex machina in the works: Expetially at low levels.
Dont complain to the allmighty ruler of the world (the DM)that you want harder challanges: Unless you are prepaired to fight things 3 times your level.
Just becouse you dont see it, doesn't mean its not there: The DM might of have just forgot to tell you it was.
Some of your friends might not be as reliable as you think: What? Ben betrayed the party again?
Sometimes, the best defense is a good surprise round: they'll never know what hit'em.
Dont run at the chasm filled with lava thinking you can easily jump it..you will not have seen the trip wire...
Punching the DM is necessary in some circumstances:
If you are first level and you are fighting a Stone giant that has yuanti abominations for arms, punch your DM.
When you are exploring a dungeon and find some odd technology such as elevators check your DM's map he has hidden under his papers to make sure you are not on the Star Trek Enterprize. If you are never let him hear the end of it, and also punch him for cross pollinating Star Trek with fantasy D&D.
If you are an Elf and a pack of wolves attack you for no reason and you kill them, ignore the DM(possibly punch him again) when he says that it was an evil act for your tree hugging, vegan, hippy, elf to kill wild animals without trying another route, like diplomacy. Then make boots out of their hides.
Another punch the DM circumstance...Look at your DM with Wide Eyes of Amazement and then punch him when the paladin smash the evil, magically enchanced barbarian for massive amounts of damage, followed by the Fighter cleaving into the barbarian with his greatsword, followed by you completely missing with your puny longsword, followed by the Barbarian noticing that it is magical and cleaving it in half.
I guess I really like punching my DM...espceially when you wait for 4 months for your brand new Mithril Breatplate to be finished and you get knocked out in the first encounter after FINALLY getting it, they steal your armor and change the fighter/rogue into a mithril golem who you then have to slay while wearing no armor.
And remember, orcs train their mounts to only except orc riders, so if you are not an orc it will be a DC 30 check to not get thrown from the stupid riding horse.
and lastly:
if you escape from multiple grabs (I really mean multiple, like 6 at once, many times over) of Yuanti abominations and then escape their underground lair while you are transformed into a sheep, then 1) you are awesome, 2) your DM is not. So punch him.
and lastly:
if you escape from multiple grabs (I really mean multiple, like 6 at once, many times over) of Yuanti abominations and then escape their underground lair while you are transformed into a sheep, then 1) you are awesome, 2) your DM is not. So punch him.
That is just too freaky; it must have happened in-game. You have a weird punch-worthy DM.
That is just too freaky; it must have happened in-game. You have a weird punch-worthy DM.
This truly happened, I **** you not. and I was only 4th level. My character got a 20 spot by 7th level so I could have a chance of seeing those yuanti bastards with their chameleon powers.
DnD taught me and a bunch of friends how to be racist.
If you're a dwarf, you don't get along with elves, just because they're elves. This works the other way around as well. Everybody hates goblins and orcs, and outright kill them on sight.
And why? Race.
Nice going, DnD... :P
this is really funny to me because we had a druid who would never want to go along with what the rest of the party wanted, like wiping out invading drow because he said "hey now, isn't that racist? they have their reasons!"
(I've never actually got to use that power)
Oreantal adventures + psionics = AC of 30 something
the fire breathing sparrow is the heir to the killer rabbit.
Don't kick in the door...knock first.
Loot everything. Including the corpses of your dead enemies. Especially the corpses of your dead teammates.
If the DM asks you to keep a watch, there will be a nighttime ambush.
Take notes on every NPC, location, item, and obscure plot point the DM mentions; there will be a quiz later.
Don't be standing near the 800 lb minotaur when he crit-fails his Jump check.
Do not pick fights with dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
Expendable minions are the answer to everything.
Grapple rules suck.
When the gods tell you to not do something, dont do it: doing it may cause missing limbs.
If someone you travel with is trying to kill you at first opportunity, kill them first. Immediately, if possible.
Taking off your clothes to impress someone never works. And you'll get stabbed in the d!ck.
If someone accidentally sets you on fire, accidentally behead them to prevent further injuries.
When in doubt: they lied. You won't be right all the time, but you'll be right every time it really matters.
Drinking doesn't make them stupid. They were stupid to begin with.
Trust me you will roll a ___.
If the DM tells you about giant gemstones in the eyes of a large statue, you should probably think of this guy:
If myself and all the other players at the table tell you that the giant gemstones in the eyes of a large statue are probably a trap, and you still pull them out anyway, when you die we are not going to pitch in for a raise dead you fool.
If you blind a beholder, it makes a pretty good balloon.
Falling 100 feet on things while wearing spiked armor is not the best strategy, but it does do damage...