Minor Frustration - Downloaded from the Wizards Community, all coding removed by Solauren

Minor Frustration

Post/Author/DateTime Post
#1
durntaur
Jan 17, 2011 20:21:52
As a husband and father that works full-time, I cherish the 6 hours of DnD I get to play every other week. I don't golf, I don't play and form of "ball", I don't (often) play poker with "the guys". DnD is my non-family related way of getting out of the house and decompressing.

Having said that, I've found myself becoming a bit bothered or frustrated with one of the other player's "commitment to the game", as I perceive it, with regard to attendance. I understand that real life takes priority, but the sum of various extenuating circumstances is increasing and I've begun to consider saying something to the DM (not the person in question).

I think the main problem I see is that all the other players in the game are part of another game (two in the case of the person that's brought about this frustration). The group is pretty relaxed and casual and there's never been any drama and I have no complaints in this respect, but I can't help but feel that, for a couple of my fellow players, missing this game or one of the others isn't seen as such a big deal since they get to play in some other game.

I think just getting to play is all that is important to any of us and that's fine, but I do like a little cohesive storytelling and when players are absent, in a campaign that only meets once every other week for 6 hours, the thread of that story, of which we are all collaborators, suffers; the fantastical reality we're creating melts away. We have to figure out "why" in one moment a person is there and the next they are not. We have been pretty creative: the druid is stuck in beast form and mindlessly meanders about; the rogue that suffered some magical unconsciousness a few sessions back lapses back into that state.

If this were the extent of things, I don't think I would be typing this long winded criticism. But when the party [L10 Warforged Fighter (admantine tough), L10 Avenger|Swordmage (myself; won't shine until L11), L9 Pacificist Cleric (his heals are awesome), L9 Summoning & Beastform Druid, and L8 Rogue] goes into a L15 encounter we need every body we've got. And after two back-to-back sessions, with an absent player, where the party almost wipes I've come to the point where I'm tempted to mention it to the DM and, perhaps, the other players.

I've had lots of fun developing my character and it becomes more complex each passing week and I become more vested in playing my part in the story. But if the story accumulates too many filled-in-blanks or the party's lives are cut short due to lack of attendence, then I'd be kind of bothered. I mean, if we all fall into an abyss and die I'm cool with that, as long as we were all there, participating in our demise together.

So, I turn to the general DnD community: should I say something? I recognize that we're really just playing make-believe and so it's really not that important in the grand scheme of things. But it is also the way I like to unwind and for me the importance of participating in make-believe is to make it believable, whether unto immortality for my character or to his ultimate doom.
#2
Calamity916
Jan 17, 2011 21:21:12 I would mention it now while you are still clear headed about it. Holding this kind of thing in can lead to blowups, hurt feelings, and drama. If this takes care of it, great! But it might not. This is where you are going to have to be responsible for your own hapiness.

Perhaps you or another member could run one-shots when someone doesn't show up. Nothing complicated, a simple quest with 3 or 4 encounters would do. Use different PCs in the one-shots. Give it a light hearted and/or silly tone so it feels different from your main game and can be wrapped up in a single session.
#3
durntaur
Jan 17, 2011 21:47:56 Well, I like to consider myself a level-headed guy so I try to keep some perspective on the activity in which I participate, "playing make-believe" as my wife once put it. The purpose of me posting was to get some objective perspectives on my specific set of circumstances. Most of the group is pretty mature (a Vietnam veteran, two grad. students of physics, and myself, 33) and the group is pretty casual in play (we joke around about making a scenario silly but actually play our characters more "realistically") so I wouldn't anticipate any drama. What I described above would be the most serious topic our group has ever had to address and I want to know if I'm out of bounds by mentioning this unspoken expectation.

Again, life happens, but we don't meet often and for one individual there seem to be more than their share of exceptions. But if the individual is spread too thin playing in three different campaigns, something eventually gives. Often, it's the campaign in which he participates with me. People have got to have their priorities, balancing leisure with responsibilities. He can afford to play that much and that's fine; perhaps I would do the same thing were I in his shoes. But it affects others, or I feel affected by it at least.

I don't mean to belabor my complaint, I just want to know if it is a "way out there" type of complaint that I should let go, because I could do that. I play with a bunch of good people and I don't want to offend anyone.
#4
Calamity916
Jan 18, 2011 0:16:22
Well, durntaur, at the end of the day our hobby is a group experience. It relies on open communication and trust. I know if I was the DM, I would be a bit upset if you felt like you couldn't voice your frustrations to me. It is, after all, my goal to provide a fun game.

That said, your group sounds pretty good. If this is really the worst you can say about it you are ahead in spades. Go ahead and talk to your friends. Get their feelings on it. See if you guys can't work out a solution that makes everyone happy.

And please, keep my change in format in mind if not the specifics. You might find that a different approach would help your game.
#5
Krusk
Jan 18, 2011 11:26:52
I'd ask them if they minded dropping out, to make room for some new players you found. It seems like it is a hassle for them to get there, and this will free up some time for them. Or if they are committed to coming, ask them to seriously come.

Since you aren't the DM though, you probably ought to try to talk them into it. "Hey I don't want to be mean, can we consider dropping those players who aren't coming and adding some new ones?"

Clearly you have to have an idea on some new players, or already have some.
#6
brassbaboon
Jan 18, 2011 13:33:04 I think this is a fairly common problem for married, perhaps older, D&D players. It is certainly something I've dealt with.

I actually talked to my family about it and the result was that I am now in two games, one which is supposed to meet weekly, but meets about once or twice a month due to "real life" intervening. The other is a weekend group that meets twice a month, and that group is more serious and usually we have all players for all sessions. The result is that I get to play three or four times a month and that pretty much satisfies my need for a D&D "fix." The fact that one group (the weekly) is a 3.5 group and the other is a 4e group helps keep my interest up in both versions of the game.

Now, if the weekly group ever did manage to start meeting weekly, I might have to renegotiate with my family. But for the past two years that hasn't happened.
#7
zmortis
Jan 18, 2011 13:50:52
I think this is a fairly common problem for married, perhaps older, D&D players. It is certainly something I've dealt with.

I actually talked to my family about it and the result was that I am now in two games, one which is supposed to meet weekly, but meets about once or twice a month due to "real life" intervening. The other is a weekend group that meets twice a month, and that group is more serious and usually we have all players for all sessions. The result is that I get to play three or four times a month and that pretty much satisfies my need for a D&D "fix." The fact that one group (the weekly) is a 3.5 group and the other is a 4e group helps keep my interest up in both versions of the game.

Now, if the weekly group ever did manage to start meeting weekly, I might have to renegotiate with my family. But for the past two years that hasn't happened.

As one of the older crowd (43) I just shrug my shoulders, and we frequently have a game without one of the two perpetually absent players, or reschedule to next week if both drop out. Personally I've only missed one game in the past year myself, and I was on a plane over the pacific ocean at the time so I think I can be excused.

My recommendation is for you to recruit one or two more steady regulars to your game, and make sure anything being contributed to the group by the irregulars is covered by someone who can make it. That way if they show up for the game the DM adds some spare mobs to the fights to toughen them up a bit, and if they don't make it, then you can continue without any undue difficulty.

Like in real life I simply explain that adventurers don't always spend 24/7 around the clock with each other. They've got things to do beyond running around killing stuff together. Make sure each game ends up at a point where the party could logically "split and reform" and you've pretty much covered these absences with "personal business" intruding.

If those solutions are infeasible, then make sure the absent players permit a "bot" agreement to happen. This is where some other player has a copy of their character sheets, etc. and can run their character as a silent bot as necessary in combat. Comming back from a few too many "personal days" with their characters all banged up and used like dirty little NPC henchmen (thanks for that healing poition you had bob) should wake them up to being more serious about making it to games.

I hope this helps.

Post/Author/DateTime	Post
#1 durntaur Jan 17, 2011 20:21:52	As a husband and father that works full-time, I cherish the 6 hours of DnD I get to play every other week. I don't golf, I don't play and form of "ball", I don't (often) play poker with "the guys". DnD is my non-family related way of getting out of the house and decompressing. Having said that, I've found myself becoming a bit bothered or frustrated with one of the other player's "commitment to the game", as I perceive it, with regard to attendance. I understand that real life takes priority, but the sum of various extenuating circumstances is increasing and I've begun to consider saying something to the DM (not the person in question). I think the main problem I see is that all the other players in the game are part of another game (two in the case of the person that's brought about this frustration). The group is pretty relaxed and casual and there's never been any drama and I have no complaints in this respect, but I can't help but feel that, for a couple of my fellow players, missing this game or one of the others isn't seen as such a big deal since they get to play in some other game. I think just getting to play is all that is important to any of us and that's fine, but I do like a little cohesive storytelling and when players are absent, in a campaign that only meets once every other week for 6 hours, the thread of that story, of which we are all collaborators, suffers; the fantastical reality we're creating melts away. We have to figure out "why" in one moment a person is there and the next they are not. We have been pretty creative: the druid is stuck in beast form and mindlessly meanders about; the rogue that suffered some magical unconsciousness a few sessions back lapses back into that state. If this were the extent of things, I don't think I would be typing this long winded criticism. But when the party [L10 Warforged Fighter (admantine tough), L10 Avenger\|Swordmage (myself; won't shine until L11), L9 Pacificist Cleric (his heals are awesome), L9 Summoning & Beastform Druid, and L8 Rogue] goes into a L15 encounter we need every body we've got. And after two back-to-back sessions, with an absent player, where the party almost wipes I've come to the point where I'm tempted to mention it to the DM and, perhaps, the other players. I've had lots of fun developing my character and it becomes more complex each passing week and I become more vested in playing my part in the story. But if the story accumulates too many filled-in-blanks or the party's lives are cut short due to lack of attendence, then I'd be kind of bothered. I mean, if we all fall into an abyss and die I'm cool with that, as long as we were all there, participating in our demise together. So, I turn to the general DnD community: should I say something? I recognize that we're really just playing make-believe and so it's really not that important in the grand scheme of things. But it is also the way I like to unwind and for me the importance of participating in make-believe is to make it believable, whether unto immortality for my character or to his ultimate doom.
#2 Calamity916 Jan 17, 2011 21:21:12	I would mention it now while you are still clear headed about it. Holding this kind of thing in can lead to blowups, hurt feelings, and drama. If this takes care of it, great! But it might not. This is where you are going to have to be responsible for your own hapiness. Perhaps you or another member could run one-shots when someone doesn't show up. Nothing complicated, a simple quest with 3 or 4 encounters would do. Use different PCs in the one-shots. Give it a light hearted and/or silly tone so it feels different from your main game and can be wrapped up in a single session.
#3 durntaur Jan 17, 2011 21:47:56	Well, I like to consider myself a level-headed guy so I try to keep some perspective on the activity in which I participate, "playing make-believe" as my wife once put it. The purpose of me posting was to get some objective perspectives on my specific set of circumstances. Most of the group is pretty mature (a Vietnam veteran, two grad. students of physics, and myself, 33) and the group is pretty casual in play (we joke around about making a scenario silly but actually play our characters more "realistically") so I wouldn't anticipate any drama. What I described above would be the most serious topic our group has ever had to address and I want to know if I'm out of bounds by mentioning this unspoken expectation. Again, life happens, but we don't meet often and for one individual there seem to be more than their share of exceptions. But if the individual is spread too thin playing in three different campaigns, something eventually gives. Often, it's the campaign in which he participates with me. People have got to have their priorities, balancing leisure with responsibilities. He can afford to play that much and that's fine; perhaps I would do the same thing were I in his shoes. But it affects others, or I feel affected by it at least. I don't mean to belabor my complaint, I just want to know if it is a "way out there" type of complaint that I should let go, because I could do that. I play with a bunch of good people and I don't want to offend anyone.
#4 Calamity916 Jan 18, 2011 0:16:22	Well, durntaur, at the end of the day our hobby is a group experience. It relies on open communication and trust. I know if I was the DM, I would be a bit upset if you felt like you couldn't voice your frustrations to me. It is, after all, my goal to provide a fun game. That said, your group sounds pretty good. If this is really the worst you can say about it you are ahead in spades. Go ahead and talk to your friends. Get their feelings on it. See if you guys can't work out a solution that makes everyone happy. And please, keep my change in format in mind if not the specifics. You might find that a different approach would help your game.
#5 Krusk Jan 18, 2011 11:26:52	I'd ask them if they minded dropping out, to make room for some new players you found. It seems like it is a hassle for them to get there, and this will free up some time for them. Or if they are committed to coming, ask them to seriously come. Since you aren't the DM though, you probably ought to try to talk them into it. "Hey I don't want to be mean, can we consider dropping those players who aren't coming and adding some new ones?" Clearly you have to have an idea on some new players, or already have some.
#6 brassbaboon Jan 18, 2011 13:33:04	I think this is a fairly common problem for married, perhaps older, D&D players. It is certainly something I've dealt with. I actually talked to my family about it and the result was that I am now in two games, one which is supposed to meet weekly, but meets about once or twice a month due to "real life" intervening. The other is a weekend group that meets twice a month, and that group is more serious and usually we have all players for all sessions. The result is that I get to play three or four times a month and that pretty much satisfies my need for a D&D "fix." The fact that one group (the weekly) is a 3.5 group and the other is a 4e group helps keep my interest up in both versions of the game. Now, if the weekly group ever did manage to start meeting weekly, I might have to renegotiate with my family. But for the past two years that hasn't happened.
#7 zmortis Jan 18, 2011 13:50:52	I think this is a fairly common problem for married, perhaps older, D&D players. It is certainly something I've dealt with. I actually talked to my family about it and the result was that I am now in two games, one which is supposed to meet weekly, but meets about once or twice a month due to "real life" intervening. The other is a weekend group that meets twice a month, and that group is more serious and usually we have all players for all sessions. The result is that I get to play three or four times a month and that pretty much satisfies my need for a D&D "fix." The fact that one group (the weekly) is a 3.5 group and the other is a 4e group helps keep my interest up in both versions of the game. Now, if the weekly group ever did manage to start meeting weekly, I might have to renegotiate with my family. But for the past two years that hasn't happened. As one of the older crowd (43) I just shrug my shoulders, and we frequently have a game without one of the two perpetually absent players, or reschedule to next week if both drop out. Personally I've only missed one game in the past year myself, and I was on a plane over the pacific ocean at the time so I think I can be excused. My recommendation is for you to recruit one or two more steady regulars to your game, and make sure anything being contributed to the group by the irregulars is covered by someone who can make it. That way if they show up for the game the DM adds some spare mobs to the fights to toughen them up a bit, and if they don't make it, then you can continue without any undue difficulty. Like in real life I simply explain that adventurers don't always spend 24/7 around the clock with each other. They've got things to do beyond running around killing stuff together. Make sure each game ends up at a point where the party could logically "split and reform" and you've pretty much covered these absences with "personal business" intruding. If those solutions are infeasible, then make sure the absent players permit a "bot" agreement to happen. This is where some other player has a copy of their character sheets, etc. and can run their character as a silent bot as necessary in combat. Comming back from a few too many "personal days" with their characters all banged up and used like dirty little NPC henchmen (thanks for that healing poition you had bob) should wake them up to being more serious about making it to games. I hope this helps.