Unfortuately we seem to have two main issues at the moment and are having a hard time resolving them.
1st - It is 'HIS' show. For the first two sessions of him joining, no other player received more than 1/2 hr play time. (Our sessions usually last 8-10hrs/biweekly)
Initially when we discussed this with him he said "I am just playing my characther and to bad for you" So the owner of the house has brought in an egg timer for 10 min intervals. This is driving everyone crazy including the DM.
Our fourth session with him is this weekend and the group has asked me to talk to him before the game. They say I am the most diplomatic of all of us, this unfortunately brings us to problem #2.
I am a female and do not understand the true nature of D&D. {This is not against any other players for I have played D&D now for 25 + yrs. and have always been the only female in any group I have gamed in} So I know allot of you guys are not all the same.
We are both playing fighter's and he gets cranky since I hold my own better than his. I have explained to him that I am 28th (epic campaign) and he is 21st. The level difference will make a difference with capabilities. Along with this I also stuch within my class catagory 20th lvl Warblade/8th lvl Bloodstorm Blade. He went to min/max a divided his into 4 different classes, makes a difference with combat capabilities. So during each session he rips apart what I can and cannot do, (he has not read the book of Nine Swords) I am not the only player he does this with.
Or is always looking over my shoulder.
We all used to really enjoy this campaign, unfortunately we spend more time sitting and waiting or argueing and bickering. This is taking all of the fun out of it.
Any ideas on how I can approach him without letting this get personal. He is a good roleplayer and we want him to continue playing with us, but we need him to realize that we want to play together and not one on one. Our DM has had this issue with him in other games and is leaving it to us this time to resolve our issues with him.
Thanks for the future help.
If that's not an option, you could phase him out in-game until he get's the message and fixes his problem or leaves.
But you apparently want to go with the third option: talking to him.
When you approach him, don't focus on what he is doing wrong; focus on what he is doing right and what he could do to make things go even better. Tell him that he is roleplaying his character very well, but he is doing so without the rest of the group. Tell him that you want everyone to play the game together, and you want the party to join him in his story. Tell him that you want the party to co-operate so that you can get things done quickly and efficiently.
Personally, however, I find that the best solutions occur in-game because the direct approach is awkward and makes people defensive (I'm manipulative, I know ;)). I suggest that while playing the game you give him opportunities to provide input. If you are planning something, ask him what he thinks. If you are doing something, involve him. Even if you are just going to go hunt for food, ask him to come along. If you are walking down a path, toss your dagger to him and play catch; help his character to come alive in the game, it's not all about combat. All of these little things will give him a window of opportunity to play his character. When he is given this window explicitly, he won't have to create his own.
As for the attention-hogging, that's the DM as much as the player, he's the one that needs to set down the limits, and deliberately move on to other players once the attention hog's had his share of time.
Both my husband and I will be the one's to have this friendly chat with him. Hopefully it all works out.
He is a strong roleplayer and he would be a loss to the game somewhat, but at the same time none of us would miss him that much.
Due to his style of play, conflict and opinion of female players he has been already ejected out of the game I run.
Nice to get the feedback.
If he's treating you different than he treats the other players just because you're female, I'd personally suggest a swift kick to the family jewels, and a suggestion that he find someplace else to game, but I have a very low tolerance for that sort of thing. (I'm female, have been gaming since my first set came out of pink and blue boxes, and have dealt with this sort of twitbot more often than I care to think of over the years.) Quite simply, if he's not mature enough to accept that females can play, too, he's not mature enough to play.
I think you're reading something into his behavior that isn't there. I think the problem is that he's being competitive with the other fighter in the group, and not that he has a problem with the OP because of her gender.
I was also amused to note that you suggested that he was immature after advocating physically attacking him.
It sounds like this friend is the 'trample others' type. Its a rough personality to get around, cause ...well...they take up so much space. The thing is, we can't really tell you what to do with your friend. I suspect given the summarized snapshot of his behavior, he's not going to respond well to direct feedback or criticism.
I see said player has already gotten ejected, and i suspect that things (in the gaming group sense) won't be possible for a good while. Getting kicked out of a group is akin to getting fired, so there's probably some bad feelings right now. But, I'd like to just say that while probably uncomfortable, you guys didnt do anything wrong in kicking him out. You had a decision to make: "Is this guy such a friend that we're willing to put up with his antics, or is it healthier for us to remove him so we can enjoy ourselves?"
Unfortunately, some people have a pressing need to be the center of attention. Some are more gracious about it, while others are a bit more desperate and willing to trample others to get it.
It sounds like this friend is the 'trample others' type. Its a rough personality to get around, cause ...well...they take up so much space. The thing is, we can't really tell you what to do with your friend. I suspect given the summarized snapshot of his behavior, he's not going to respond well to direct feedback or criticism.
I see said player has already gotten ejected, and i suspect that things (in the gaming group sense) won't be possible for a good while. Getting kicked out of a group is akin to getting fired, so there's probably some bad feelings right now. But, I'd like to just say that while probably uncomfortable, you guys didnt do anything wrong in kicking him out. You had a decision to make: "Is this guy such a friend that we're willing to put up with his antics, or is it healthier for us to remove him so we can enjoy ourselves?"
He is and has been a good friend for along time. We will find a way to work around it I am sure. I have been looking for different perspectives and you all are a great support. You are right about the decision that we need to make, and I want to thank you for your insight.
I think you're reading something into his behavior that isn't there. I think the problem is that he's being competitive with the other fighter in the group, and not that he has a problem with the OP because of her gender.
I was also amused to note that you suggested that he was immature after advocating physically attacking him.
Actually, the post by the OP immediately following mine states that he's already been ejected from a group for his attitude toward female players, and the original post states that part 2 of the problem is
I am a female and do not understand the true nature of D&D.
Suggesting a kick to the jewels was tongue in cheek, sorry, there's no smiley for that, and I hereby announce for the record that it WAS, in fact, a suggestion meant as a JOKE.
Let us know how it works out, Onyx.
Actually, the post by the OP immediately following mine states that he's already been ejected from a group for his attitude toward female players, and the original post states that part 2 of the problem is
Yeah, I missed that bit. Maybe the kick in the jimmies isn't such a bad idea.
Lemme tell ya, after you've been treated that way a couple of times, you get an immediate knee-jerk reflex toward dealing with it, and said reflex is usually at least a symbolic swat to the ol' harbles.
Booting him from her campaign was a good swing, but apparently hasn't taught this one any lessons.
Call him out, on your terms.
"Exactly why do you think that other group kicked you out?"
"You're doing the same crap here, and I'm not standing for it!"
If he gives you any negative crap, have the DM, and the rest of the group, eject him.
If he sits down and plays, he's salvageable. If not, it's endemic.
This does not seem to be an in game problem, it's his misgynist personality, as a problem.
I am presently in a game in which our group has been having a great campaign for a couple of years now. We lost one of our player's and have replaced him with a long time friend to all of us.
Unfortuately we seem to have two main issues at the moment and are having a hard time resolving them.
1st - It is 'HIS' show. For the first two sessions of him joining, no other player received more than 1/2 hr play time. (Our sessions usually last 8-10hrs/biweekly)
Initially when we discussed this with him he said "I am just playing my characther and to bad for you" So the owner of the house has brought in an egg timer for 10 min intervals. This is driving everyone crazy including the DM.
Our fourth session with him is this weekend and the group has asked me to talk to him before the game. They say I am the most diplomatic of all of us, this unfortunately brings us to problem #2.
I am a female and do not understand the true nature of D&D. {This is not against any other players for I have played D&D now for 25 + yrs. and have always been the only female in any group I have gamed in} So I know allot of you guys are not all the same.
We are both playing fighter's and he gets cranky since I hold my own better than his. I have explained to him that I am 28th (epic campaign) and he is 21st. The level difference will make a difference with capabilities. Along with this I also stuch within my class catagory 20th lvl Warblade/8th lvl Bloodstorm Blade. He went to min/max a divided his into 4 different classes, makes a difference with combat capabilities. So during each session he rips apart what I can and cannot do, (he has not read the book of Nine Swords) I am not the only player he does this with.
Or is always looking over my shoulder.
We all used to really enjoy this campaign, unfortunately we spend more time sitting and waiting or argueing and bickering. This is taking all of the fun out of it.
Any ideas on how I can approach him without letting this get personal. He is a good roleplayer and we want him to continue playing with us, but we need him to realize that we want to play together and not one on one. Our DM has had this issue with him in other games and is leaving it to us this time to resolve our issues with him.
Thanks for the future help.
On to the problem, my initial reaction would be to let the guy go, if for no other reason than he is making the game suck for everyone else, good roleplayer or not, he sounds like that comes at the incredibly high price of him being a selfish, sexist, jerk...not worth it. Couple that with his selfish response when you attempted to address this with him, and I honestly don't see what more you can hope to achieve going that route.
Since it seems that the problem player cannot be negotiated with then I see no alternative, and all of you get together to have fun, not be upset. Think of it this way, if it gets much worse, how long will everyone else stay with the game? Don't let it go that far. Remove the problem player, remove the problem, return to having a good time. There is not much more to it than that. My 2 cents.
Your char is lvl 28 and his char is only lvl 21? In the same campaign? No wonder he is ****** off and cranky all the time!!
Even if your game is not very combat-focused, some players like to feel their character is at least as powerful as the rest of the party (if not more). If this guy is left off the power curve, he feels bad and compensates by acting up and hogging the spotlight.
Let him make a char that is on the same level as everyone else and see if he continues being annoying.
The seven level gap between characters certainly has to be a sticking point. I don't have books in front of me but i bet its possible for a 28th level character to have a cohort of that is higher level than 21st.
Neither of these points diminishes the poor behaviour, but they might explain why he's so obviously being a pain. Perhaps a little adjustment in one or both areas might turn down the volume on how grating the player is.
Wait a moment, am I missing something??
Your char is lvl 28 and his char is only lvl 21? In the same campaign? No wonder he is ****** off and cranky all the time!!
Even if your game is not very combat-focused, some players like to feel their character is at least as powerful as the rest of the party (if not more). If this guy is left off the power curve, he feels bad and compensates by acting up and hogging the spotlight.
Let him make a char that is on the same level as everyone else and see if he continues being annoying.
I do realize that the level difference is a problem. Our DM however, has made the decision that when a character dies/or a new person joins the group; the character is to be made at the lowest level presently in the party.
What makes that su** is that the lowest character in the party at the time was a: follower. That one of the other players is presently playing. The group does range from 21st lvl thru to 28th, with levels in between. Those of us that have the higher level characters' have been playing the same ones for a very, very long time.
I did have the opportunity to speak with the other player before last session, and the session went decent.
Thanks for the help, and I do agree the level difference does suck.
I do realize that the level difference is a problem. Our DM however, has made the decision that when a character dies/or a new person joins the group; the character is to be made at the lowest level presently in the party.
Thanks for the help, and I do agree the level difference does suck.
I really don't know what to say...
Did you need *me* to point out that maybe the fact that this guy is effectively playing the water-boy/lackey is why he is acting up in an attempt to actually have an impact in the game??
Granted, this is an off the cuff idea, untested.
I have some good friends I dont want to roleplay with. Their personalities wouldn't work well in a group setting. Other activities are quite different.
Depending on his personality perhaps the direct approach would work. What would his reaction be if you told him that his actions are bringing down the group and annoying/angering the others.