This is for posting some of the stupidest thing you have done or have considered doing in DnD
1. Don't annoy the librarian. they have access to many powerful spell books, and have plenty of time to master those spells (a god profession it be for the retired wizard)
2. If your DM is Cristian, don't go to the brothel. You will wind up with a magic-resistant, ultra deadly STD.
3. someone with 9 int. should NOT take up wizardry. It just doesn't work.
4. If someone steals your kill, do not steal his weapon in his sleep.
5. Do not make a character without talking to the other party members first. One paladin, two monks, and two rogues is not... ideal.
6. Upon seeing a beautiful orb in the ground, do not run up to it and cut it in twain.
7. When playing a half-orge with a -30 something check penality to swim, do not board a boat. In fact, do not bathe.
8. When your boss asks about your mission, do not go into great detail. A simple "pass" or "fail" will suffice.
9. When you're 1st level and come across some huge iron doors in a kobold warren from behind which a boom-boom reminiscient of Jurassic Park can be heard, don't let the barbarian decide on his own to see what's behind them...
10. ...and when he does, and that 1st level party is suddenly facing a white dragon (a young one, but still...), and the barbarian turns to the dragonborn warlord and says "Talk to it," if you happen to be playing said dragonborn warlord, please try to remember that said barbarian doesn't know (in-game, at least) that in this campaign dragonborn and dragons (of any variety) are mortal enemies. Yes, your character may be about to die, but that's no reason to kill the other player.
11. When playing a 2e campaign, don't let the ranger walk around wearing the Ring of Wishes. This is especially true when facing a tarrasque that the DM is playing as a mindless force of destruction on a collision course with a town which the PCs have been tasked with saving, and the groups is getting frustrated at the bloody-mindedness of the stupid beast. A stray utterance of "I wish this damned thing weren't so stupid" will result -- after a fit of hysterical DM laugher -- in a tarrasque with an 18 Int that will procede to eloquently explain to the PCs exactly why it is, regretably, about to eat them and everyone in the town because it is, after all, a friggin' tarrasque.
12 Don't ever come up with a system of providing random magic items to characters at creation, especially if a Ring of Three Wishes is on the list with any chance of occurring. The chance that, as a DM, you'll remember that ring hasn't been used by a judicious player and then having an entire adventure path destroyed by a single well-used wish (specifically, "I wish the entire invading army was back in their own province of origin") is quite high - it should be noted, I was the player in this situation and warned the DM the consequences of his actions. It's not my fault I found ways not to use the ring until I felt it was necessary and he forgot I had it...
13. During combat, don't make everyone wait for 10 minutes while you go through your spell list/look through a book for a spell that SHOULD have been on your spell list already/try to calculate your atk and/or dmg/think for the first time of what action you want to take this round even though you were last on intiative. Rocks might fall on you. In the middle of an open, grassy plain.
14. If you accidentally drop a d4 on the floor, don't put off picking it up for later. There's a reason many long-time D&D gamers affectionately refer to them as caltrops.
3. someone with 9 int. should NOT take up wizardry. It just doesn't work.
414. If my stats are STR10 DEX10 CON8 INT16 WIS17 CHA15 I'd better not be the half-orc barbarian.
15. I don't care what you've heard, "a rod of wonder is never having to say your sorry" is not accurate.
16. You can sometimes defeat a superior enemy by out thinking the GM... Just be ready for serious backlash in the near future.
17. When your dwarven fighter who specializes in two-handed weapons has his arm severed, do not think to pick up the severed arm and use it to bludgeon the hungry fire beetle.
18. If you do, do not be surprised when the beetle cooks the severed arm with a burst of flame, disarms the dwarf (no pun intended), and runs away with a hot meal.
19. When fighting a band of troglodytes on a bridge with no railings over an apparently bottomless pit in the Underdark, do not think your armless dwarven fighter will be clever and push one off the bridge.
20. If you do, do not be surprised when the DM rolls his first natural 20 of the night to pull you over with the troglodyte.
21. Do not try to murder your party's uppity cleric while she sleeps in order to gain entrance to the assassin's guild, especially if she's a wolf-were who shares half of all damage taken with the party's paladin.
22. Do not throw a burning lantern into the door of the grouchy gith librarian, especially when in Sigil and in close proximity to the Harmonium barracks.
23. Do not follow the hot chick in the vampire's castle when she silently excuses herself from the dining table and leaves the room. This is a sure-fire method to reduce a level 13 rogue to a level 2 inflatable doll.
24. Do not follow the hot chick wandering alone through the forest at night. This is a sure-fire method to be found in the forest making sweet hentai-love to a parasitic tree.
25. Do not run head-long into a cave of orc shamans by yourself, especially when they all have Hold Person prepared and are ready for dinner.
26. Do not go into the tiefling brothel and tell the madame you're looking for a hot piece of tail.
27. Do not make incessant short-jokes when the guy playing the halfling rogue is an Order of the Stick fan.
PtM
28. do not throw your level 14 sorcerer who has only 40 hp in a tournamnet against a level 14 fighter with the ability to deal a minium of 36 damage in one hit.
29. do not believe everything you see: if a prince is sitting there surrounded by nymphs, dryads, and other magicial hot feys and looks like he has seen a ghost dont let no one in your group go "i'm next!" cause you may find yourself running from vampiric creatures from the realm of shadows!
30.dont let the cocky ranger talk smack to the lord of a village: espically about his wife......
31. Do not leave the mapping to the player with Attention Deficit Disorder.
32. Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES allow a player's character to strike up a realtionship with his girlfriend's character.
33. Don't let the barbarian make the diplomacy check. Ever. That usually results in "Lock them up!" type situations.
34. If you find someone imprisoned who is not a player's new character/new player's character in a dungeon, DO NOT release it.
35.If you find a chalk circle, with various people bound and gagged inside the circle, your first instinct should not be "I erase the circle".
36.If a god/goddess tells you to do somthing, you better listen to them.
37.Nothing good can come out of murdering party members...most of the time.
28. do not throw your level 14 sorcerer who has only 40 hp in a tournamnet against a level 14 fighter with the ability to deal a minium of 36 damage in one hit.
Unless you're playing 3.5
38. If you're suspicious of a DM fudging their rolls, don't make empty threats that you'll punch them in the face. Everyone else in the group will quit gaming for the rest of the night, mainly because they're afraid of confrontation.
38.2 And grudge monsters
39. It might be suitable at your gaming table, but please don't discuss the size of your NADS in public
40. Or comparitive NAD discussions in public. (ie. My monk has huge NADS, much bigger then your fighter)
41. Do not threaten to microwave lousy dice. For one, they WILL continue to give you crap rolls regardless of the death threat. For two, your microwave absolutely hates you after.
42. Make sure to have your character check the rest of the party regularly for signs of insanity. Also, do this BEFORE taking prisoners or leaving PCs alone with important NPCs who you would rather not see dead.
33.2 Treat any character hoarding fire spells or grenades the same as being a Barbarian for the purposes of deciding who gets to talk to the NPCs.
43: Do not make a Dhampyre Drow character and then wonder why no one in town has taking a liking to you
44: Do not hold a conversation around a town guard you plan on killing and then be surprised when hes not there when the decision is made.
45: D20s are not slingshot ammunition. Even if you can hit the enemy mini off of the table from 20 feet away.
46: If the rest of your party is evil, rolling up a paladin is proobably a bad idea.
45.2 However, d4's are caltrops. You will regret not putting them away.
47. Make sure everyone has someplace safe to set their drinks. No party has yet survived a flash flood of Jolt, Jaegermeister, water, or Kool-Aid.
48. The newer the book you have on the table, the more likely #47 will occur.
45.25: All dice shall be neon colors. There are very few homes with neon carpets or floors.
46. When you meet an NPC of great prominence (a diplomat or king), your first instinct should not be "I slap him!"
47. If you are playing an elf and there's a member of your party who continually plays dwarven characters, do not loudly proclaim your race's superiority in front of him.
47a. The same goes for eladrin and elves.
48. If you are playing a bard, do not play songs IRL every time you play songs in-game.
49. Golden Rule for Real Men: Just because someone did something awesome in another story doesn't mean your character can pull off the same.
49a. And if the story in question is Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann, this rule goes double.
50. Golden Rule for Real Roleplayers: Don't spend two hours waxing eloquent about your character's exploits or his single shining tears. Especially if the rest of your party is composed of Real Men.
51. Golden Rule for Munchkins: If your DM's face is the approximate color of a Red Delicious apple, don't bring up that extra feat/power/multiclass.
52. Golden Rule for Loonies: Your character is not Deadpool.
You lost count. We're now on 55 with your list. (GOD I hate not being able to see the previous posts while replying!)
55. Never allow anyone to bring in a Klingon no matter what his backstory is for being there.
56) Never split up the party.
I always hated not being there when the party got some action and two of us were elsewhere.
Besides barbarians and pyromancers, do not let the arrogant wizard do the talking with fire giants ;)
57) Do not waste time coming up with a complicated plan, it is not going to survive first contact. Definitely do not do so when one of the group is a trigger happy barbarian with an Intelligence of 8.
58) When you do want to talk with the BBEG, knock the barbarian unconscious beforehand.
12 Don't ever come up with a system of providing random magic items to characters at creation, especially if a Ring of Three Wishes is on the list with any chance of occurring. The chance that, as a DM, you'll remember that ring hasn't been used by a judicious player and then having an entire adventure path destroyed by a single well-used wish (specifically, "I wish the entire invading army was back in their own province of origin") is quite high - it should be noted, I was the player in this situation and warned the DM the consequences of his actions. It's not my fault I found ways not to use the ring until I felt it was necessary and he forgot I had it...
DM needs to get better at corrupting wishes.
The invading army is teleported back to their home province, but so are the PCs and the town they were protecting.
DM needs to get better at corrupting wishes.
Or play with real men who, when offered a wish, look directly in the entity's eyes and say "Surprise me."
12 Don't ever come up with a system of providing random magic items to characters at creation, especially if a Ring of Three Wishes is on the list with any chance of occurring. The chance that, as a DM, you'll remember that ring hasn't been used by a judicious player and then having an entire adventure path destroyed by a single well-used wish (specifically, "I wish the entire invading army was back in their own province of origin") is quite high - it should be noted, I was the player in this situation and warned the DM the consequences of his actions. It's not my fault I found ways not to use the ring until I felt it was necessary and he forgot I had it...
DM needs to get better at corrupting wishes.
The invading army is teleported back to their home province, but so are the PCs and the town they were protecting.
Nah that's not how you corrupt that wish. They merely asked for the invading army to be back in their province of origin. To which the DM can reply "Okay they're back home after a successful invasion. The village, and the lands it sits in are now a shattered wasteland." Granted that requires a DM brave enough to throw away a potential entire campaigns worth of planning and have to improvise but your players will never mess with you again.
12 Don't ever come up with a system of providing random magic items to characters at creation, especially if a Ring of Three Wishes is on the list with any chance of occurring. The chance that, as a DM, you'll remember that ring hasn't been used by a judicious player and then having an entire adventure path destroyed by a single well-used wish (specifically, "I wish the entire invading army was back in their own province of origin") is quite high - it should be noted, I was the player in this situation and warned the DM the consequences of his actions. It's not my fault I found ways not to use the ring until I felt it was necessary and he forgot I had it...
DM needs to get better at corrupting wishes.
The invading army is teleported back to their home province, but so are the PCs and the town they were protecting.
Nah that's not how you corrupt that wish. They merely asked for the invading army to be back in their province of origin. To which the DM can reply "Okay they're back home after a successful invasion. The village, and the lands it sits in are now a shattered wasteland." Granted that requires a DM brave enough to throw away a potential entire campaigns worth of planning and have to improvise but your players will never mess with you again.
Right, because they won't be playing with the DM again.
Wishes do not give the DM a right to screw over the party.
Right, because they won't be playing with the DM again.
Wishes do not give the DM a right to screw over the party.
reasonable wishes perhaps (although even then, real men like it better that way), but the usual shenaniganry players try to get away with (I wish everything on this sheet of paper was true) and the DM's ability to misinterpret them counterbalance eachother nicely.
Right, because they won't be playing with the DM again.
Wishes do not give the DM a right to screw over the party.
reasonable wishes perhaps (although even then, real men like it better that way), but the usual shenaniganry players try to get away with (I wish everything on this sheet of paper was true) and the DM's ability to misinterpret them counterbalance eachother nicely.
No, they don't "balance" because nothing exists without the DM's permission. There is no "usual shenaniganry". That is just your presumed "player is trying to get away with something" bias that causes you to have an inherent reflex of screwing over a player's character when a wish is made, i.e. "although even then ..."
The wish in question wasn't trying to get away with something. It was quite altruistic. The player did something smart the DM hadn't foreseen and rightfully did not punish him for it as you would have. Since it was a rather major wish, it might have been justified to have cost two wishes from the ring - two to reflect the power and one left over as a DM-reminder reward for the player to use later as "a pat on the back - hey, good job!".
The wish in question wasn't trying to get away with something. It was quite altruistic. The player did something smart the DM hadn't foreseen and rightfully did not punish him for it as you would have. Since it was a rather major wish, it might have been justified to have cost two wishes from the ring - two to reflect the power and one left over as a DM-reminder reward for the player to use later as "a pat on the back - hey, good job!".
I suppose that wish was pretty altruistic, but at the very least "Okay, they're back home, and now they're pissed. Guess where they're headed." seems like a reasonable result.
12 Don't ever come up with a system of providing random magic items to characters at creation, especially if a Ring of Three Wishes is on the list with any chance of occurring. The chance that, as a DM, you'll remember that ring hasn't been used by a judicious player and then having an entire adventure path destroyed by a single well-used wish (specifically, "I wish the entire invading army was back in their own province of origin") is quite high - it should be noted, I was the player in this situation and warned the DM the consequences of his actions. It's not my fault I found ways not to use the ring until I felt it was necessary and he forgot I had it...
DM needs to get better at corrupting wishes.
The invading army is teleported back to their home province, but so are the PCs and the town they were protecting.
Nah that's not how you corrupt that wish. They merely asked for the invading army to be back in their province of origin. To which the DM can reply "Okay they're back home after a successful invasion. The village, and the lands it sits in are now a shattered wasteland." Granted that requires a DM brave enough to throw away a potential entire campaigns worth of planning and have to improvise but your players will never mess with you again.
Right, because they won't be playing with the DM again.
Wishes do not give the DM a right to screw over the party.
Note that imo the intial situation was a screw up in the DMs turn anyway. A ring of wishes is something that can as shown can dramatically alter the campaign and rob a story of it's drama isn't something that should be given out lightly, i.e. not at character creation.
I mayself have never been particularly fond of Ring of wishes in D&D for the reason that it'll come up at a point where it's silly for the players not to use but it seems like a cop out. If something like that happened in any of my groups we'd all feel a bit cheated. A wish should be earned not given randomly. That said I'm not likely to corrupt wishes if they come into my game. But I do enjoy thinking of ways to do it anyway.
Oh and I wouldn't walk out on that DM straight away. That all depends on what happens in the wasteland. If it's a good story I'm staying. Sometimes bad things happen if they don't lead to interesting events or drama then yes you may be dealing with a bad GM, if they do then I see no problem.
To get back on topic however:
59) No matter how high your bluff skil is DO NOT try to gather an army by passing yourself off as a dieties prophet. Even if the divine being in question finds it amusing you'll do something stupid and reveal yourself at the worst possible moment.
The wish in question wasn't trying to get away with something. It was quite altruistic. The player did something smart the DM hadn't foreseen and rightfully did not punish him for it as you would have. Since it was a rather major wish, it might have been justified to have cost two wishes from the ring - two to reflect the power and one left over as a DM-reminder reward for the player to use later as "a pat on the back - hey, good job!".
I suppose that wish was pretty altruistic, but at the very least "Okay, they're back home, and now they're pissed. Guess where they're headed." seems like a reasonable result.
Yes, by which the town would have more time to prepare for a defense. The wish wouldn't have solved the problem but would have helped in a significant way.
It could also lead to a nice new adventure arc. With the invading army back home, the party could infiltrate them and prevent the army from returning somehow. Meanwhile, the town prepares just in case.
I agree a wish should not be given by whatever means as a random treasure. It should be carefully placed as one would an artifact.
60. Do not spend all your time standing around in a fog cloud using Ghost Sound to try and elicit roleplaying reactions from enemies -- while your party is busy fighting the BBEG.
61. Never throw an axe at your wife, while she's holding your offspring, with a dm who uses a critical fumble table.
62) When using Bluff to convince the bartender that your magic casting had nothing to do with the mug of beer that just went flying through the air don't instead tell him you were casting prestidigitation because you didn't like the tase of his beer...
DM needs to get better at corrupting wishes.
The invading army is teleported back to their home province, but so are the PCs and the town they were protecting.
Nah that's not how you corrupt that wish. [...]
I donno, I like the idea--except it's not that the army is teleported, it's just that the political boundaries of their home province are suddenly redrawn to include the location of every member of the army as they stand now. 
If you want to corrupt the wish, anyway. I think excessive wish-corruption is kind of silly; it should be reserved for when the PCs are really trying to be overreaching in their use of the spell. Hard to say whether this is that; probably depends on the size of the army.
63) Trying to verify whether and NPC speaks the truth by tapping the square of the pittrap with your foot. Off course nothing happens so you happily conclude he is lying step onto the plate and drop in the 30ft. poisonious pit. (true story from "suicide dwarf" as he is called now)
64. Identify the GM's athoritarian surrogate character early & then fight any urge you have to slap him into the ground when he stiffs you on something. don't think he won't try and short change you on something, its his job as the GM's surrogate.
-M
On the matter of the wish corruption...
"I wish the army were back in their home province." The ring hears, the ring obeys.
The army turns up in one of the PC's home provinces.
Disorientated, confused, and without supply lines, but still on the warpath. Cue a race across the country to intercept them before the march on the PCs homes! Exciting!
65. Do not stalk random people from bars, just because you think they 'look a bit shifty'. This goes double if they have already noted themselves as a famous and dangerous hunter/wizard/ANYTHING.
33. Don't let the barbarian make the diplomacy check. Ever. That usually results in "Lock them up!" type situations.
Actually, thaneborn barbarians can be fairly good diplomancers... scary but true :P
66. If you come across a portal/opening in a creepy old temple/ruin/tomb/whatever that is perfectly pitch black and opaque, do not under any circumstances put anything through it unless you mind losing that object/limb/fellow-party-member.
As to the wish earlier with the army, I have to go with at least a minor corruption of it under 3.x rules. Wish had very clearly delineated rules as to what it could do, and a mass teleport at a potentially huge distance of unwilling creatures who aren't even in direct contact with each other is definitely beyond an 8th level spell, which is the highest level that Wish can duplicate in 3.x. Add to that the fact that the rules specifically call out partial and/or corrupted fulfillments of any wish greater than those boundaries, and you get a RAW basis for such a corruption.
67. If you're the party rogue, don't equate stealth with invulnerability. If the monsters dogpile on you before you can get word back to the party, it doesn't matter how much your initial backstab damage did.
68. If you're going to play an evil character, the best time to backstab a fellow party member is never. Especially if that fellow party member is an angry barbarian played by the DM's significant other. Just... just don't do it. Even if they're sleeping and they took the magic dagger clearly intended for you.
69. never allow the centaur who had to squeeze through the tunnel into the drow cavern decide that he should be the one to kick down the solid iron door in the middle of their complex.
70. If said centaur actually does kick the door, have couple of vials of oil of impact available to destroy before-mentioned tunnel and leave the centaur behind as bait for the drow.
71. If blowing up tight cavern walls, be sure you can run faster that the resulting cave in; also make sure your boots are properly tied so you do not trip.
72. If the DM asks "are you sure about you want to do that?" 9 times out of 10 you should change your mind.
72. Dont use burning hands on the dwarf barbarians beard unless you dont like having your head attached to your body.
73. Don't make passes at the female dragonborn warlord. If she gets pissed, you're screwed. If she likes the idea, you're even more screwed.
74. If you are new to the campaign, don't start antagonizing the character who has been in the game since it began 5 years ago - he knows just where to hide your body.
75. Don't under ANY circumstances believe that the monster the DM is setting before you is exactly the same as the one you read about in the monster manual.
76. Never limit yourself to only what is written on your character sheet.
77. Never just say "I roll to hit". You should role play combat as much as possible, if necessary stand up and SHOW the group how you are moving and how you are swinging. Do this very carefully if the DM's wife collects porclain.
78. Never EVER EVER give the DM an idea...DM,"You hear something on the other side of the door, it sounds big"...ranger, "Oh I bet its a dragon!"
79. When the DM raises his eyebrows at something really stupid you just did and asks "Just how smart are you!?"...DON'T LOOK AT YOUR CHARACTER SHEET TO SEE WHAT YOUR INT IS!
80. When you get knocked unconcious and the DM says he will tell you when you wake up...don't ask the DM every round "Am I awake yet?" He can do this ALLLL night.
81. If you are in a game with a new DM and he is trying to kill your lvl 2 character with rocks falling out of the sky, because you noticed that the barmaid slipped poison into your beer...And the only reason you were getting a drink in the first place was because you felt like celebrating after you successfully defeated a lvl 10 encounter that just "appeared" in front of you - its time to go make nice with your old DM.
82. If you are in a game with MY female dragonborn warlord and make a pass at her, you better start watching out for rocks falling out of the sky on your head.
83. If your DM sends you against a dragon, and you manage to convince it to be your mount, friend, ally, pack-horse; be sure and ready that the big mama dragon is just waiting for you to leave with her baby.
84. If you manage to befriend the mama dragon as well as the baby dragon, be prepared to deal with a DM trying to figure out how to kill you by a form of an avatar of tiamat who dosnt take kindly to her dragons being "enslaved" by your PCs.
85. If you convince the avatar to leave you alone, as well as keep your new found dragon allies to stay with you, be sure that the DM will have all good dragons hunt you down for making a deal with tiamat.
79. When the DM raises his eyebrows at something really stupid you just did and asks "Just how smart are you!?"...DON'T LOOK AT YOUR CHARACTER SHEET TO SEE WHAT YOUR INT IS!
You know it occurs to me that I have a tendency to play characters with 17-18 Int that behave uncharacteristically insane ("So the druid and the sorcerer, as the two most intelligent characters in the party, are going out into the woods in the early morning without telling anybody else about it in order to obtain goggles.").
As I recall sanity(as per Unearthed Arcana) is function of wis not int.
Re: the Wish thing.
"I wish them all back to their home provinces" - is definitely open for corruptability. In 2e and earlier, DMs were encouraged to twist wishes. In 3e, DMs were told to allow low-powered wishes to just work, but twist or fail game-breakers outright.
One nasty corruption is the path of least resistance - pushing the PCs into the future after the invasion is over. Then the campaign could revolve around them trying to get back to the "past" to stop the invasion more 'legitimately'.
In any case, that leads me to
86. If you somehow have acquired a game-breaking ability (whether through player malfeasance or GM incompetence), NEVER try to put one over the GM and use it when he's "forgotten" you have it. Your GM might just let you use it - and break the game. At best, he might just break you
As I recall sanity(as per Unearthed Arcana) is function of wis not int.
I think my brand of insanity is a little of both :D
87: If the DM describes an orb which is in the middle of the room and clealy keeps 2 tons of sand with a magic field, do not try to move said orb, if you do move it, do not try to carry it with you as the 2 tons of sand begin to fall down upon you.
88: Don't walk down a rotten staircase if you're wearing heavy plates. And if you do, do not be the first to walk down of it.
89. Never assume everything is fine simply because the Dm said so. (Be paranoid, very paranoid.)
90. Rope: All ways have it. Rule of thumb have at least 10 ft per group level.
91. If its small and cute, there will be a whole heap of them surrounding you, that you can't see yet & they want you dead.
One of my characters recently killed an iron golem with a piece of rope (she had help from the party but most of the damage involved the rope)
When it died she ran up and kicked it in the head and hollard out "Lets see you do THAT in World of Warcraft!"
If you limit yourself to just what feats you have or just what characters can do in MMORPGS you are going to get bored of most analog RPGS rather quickly....or sit there just waiting for your turn to hit the monster, which sadly is what I see a lot of players doing.
Not that I am saying act out of turn and go crazy with real world, out of character knowlege. But if you are in a game with a DM who can keep up with you and is willing to be reasonable with physics and his environment there is a lot you can do with just a basic understanding of "hey if I pull on this end of the rope something happens over there at the other end."
92. Do not try to actively disbelieve something that you believe to be an illusion. You may be wrong.
93. Don't call your DM, and tell them that WoW is the best thing ever made. You'll just make yourself look stupid.
94. If a big flaming rock is hurtling towards a town with thatch roofs, do not try to stop it with any spell/power that isn't water/cold.
95. If you do attempt to stop said flaming rock, in the next session do not attempt to push two guards away from a wooden gate while simultaneously blowing the wooden gate open. (Or at least don't expect to be able to go back to said city at any point, or to be treated favorably by anyone allied with said city)
47. Make sure everyone has someplace safe to set their drinks. No party has yet survived a flash flood of Jolt, Jaegermeister, water, or Kool-Aid.
Kool Aid would like to say, he hates getting all the blame.
48. If you are playing a bard, do not play songs IRL every time you play songs in-game.
UNLESS, you can sing or are very funny, and even then, make it SHORT. In one game, every time I used my inspire courage song, I would sing, "We all have got to a little better!" which made everyone laugh.
And in DDOnline, I played a bard, and when we would run past stuff, my group of regulars always requested the running song I came up with, which basically the swimming song in Finding Nemo but replacing swimming with running.
Other wise, yeah, don't sing.
88: Don't walk down a rotten staircase if you're wearing heavy plates. And if you do, do not be the first to walk down of it.
88a. And if your fellow party member showed why this is bad, do not jump over the new hole since the staircase is just as rotten on the other side.
If you are a newbie, don't try to make your own character by yourself. Consult the current DM for the group you are joining. By all means, have a few basic templates set up in Hero forge already, but don't be surprized if the DM picks your self-made character apart at your first session. Bring a pencil to make changes with and don't take any criticism from him/her or the other more experienced players personally, just learn from it.
It's better to sit down with the DM at a computer or stack of sheets and go through making a first character together. I could have saved myself several hours of work had I done that in the first place. My first character, a Level 1 Fighter, was woefully inadequate to the task of jumping into a quest in progress when I first made him. The DM sat down with me and the Hero Forge later and we made a Level 4 Fighter/ Level 1 Cleric that fit the needs of the overall group much better.
He also helped me reconsile what my imagination wanted the hero to be with what the Player's Handbook said he could be at that level. I had read the Handbook's section relevant to fighters as they had suggested, but I missed quite a bit that I needed to know.
Hero Forge is a good program. Much easier than trying to do it all by hand, but it still doesn't keep you from picking everything you shouldn't. "What do you mean a Level 1 Fighter can't have Full Plate armor?" I remember asking, for example. "Because he wouldn't be able to walk let alone fight if you had set up his Strength stats more in line with being Level 1" he said.
Never pee on a Magmin. A player did that in my game and my opportunity attack crit him, so the little guy grabbed the players junk with his little magma hands, igniting the gasses in his intestines and torching him from the inside out.
Ouch
98. Don't try to make deals with Vecna. Seriously. He lies. ALL THE TIME. On a related note, handing over the corpses of party members when promised rewards? Real dumb idea.
100. Managing to blow up a town while contracted to remove the giant rat problem.
An early mission to get the players set up, and for some reason they decide to fill the sewers with explosives to clear out the rats.
Of course, like any sane DM, he lets this happen and, of course, the explosives combine with the natural gasses in a sewer, undermining the entire towns foundations and causing it to crumble beneath the surprised PC's and townsfolk feet.
A hasty retreat is in order!
98. Don't try to make deals with Vecna. Seriously. He lies. ALL THE TIME.
I laughed at this for like....10 minutes.
Player: Ok, Vecna, we've destroyed the holy artefacts and distracted Kas in another plane. Can we have the Crown of Blahblahbah now?
DM: Vecna laughs and hurls a torrent of disgustingly powerful evil magic at you.
Players: He lied! He lied! Why would he do that? Why?
Things you WILL regret doing in DnD:
101. Pulling the lever
102. Not pulling the lever
103. Mumbling the name of a Demon Prince (DM rolls dice), over (Dm rolls dice), and over (Dm rolls dice), and over....
You will also regret:
104. Jumping across a chasm to reach the other side of a broken bridge when you've been conveniently given boots that have a jumping bonus. You *will* fall and die.
105. Specializing in killing foes that are not even a major part of the campaign.
106. Laughing at the misfortune of others when at some point you anger a devil or some other powerful creature in disguise.
In 3 E, from a DM's perspective
107: Making a decked out bager to fight the party when there's a druid in said party
108: Filling a room with bones (skeletons), only to have the previous druid use rock to mud and mud to rock.
109. When coming across a magical fountain, do not under any circumstances allow the insane sorceror be the first to look at it. Particularly if said fountain is very clearly a trap.
110. Never expect a the leader of a notable theives guild to keep his word.
111. Do not try to pick up the trap and throw it. Even if you are a barbarian with 20 strength.
112. Never keep something hostage and forget to ELABORATE to the DM how you are tying him up. It leads to a lot of frustration when the dm says "the orc hostage yells out ALARMMM and runs away" and you screech with shock "BUT HE'S GAGGED AND HOBBLED"
113. Never assume that anything is assumed.
114. Never assume that the horribly evil NPC necromancer you killed off in your PC's background story will not come back as the Lich-Queen of Estora.
PC: "It can't be her...I killed her myself, two years ago!"
2nd PC: "You didn't do a very good job, then."
115. Never assume that the villain doesn't have a family.
"Wait... you mean that random necromancer we killed last year was your wife? That's what this is all about?"
BBEG- "YES."
116.
I don't care how dire the circumstances are, or how long you've been dead and expect to remain so. Don't make a deal with an archduke of hell or the leutenants of one. It's called Lawful Evil for a reason.
Me: What's the catch.
Devil: Do you really think you're in any position to worry about that at the moment?
Me: Well, considering the sour-YES!!!!!!!!!!
reasonable wishes perhaps (although even then, real men like it better that way), but the usual shenaniganry players try to get away with (I wish everything on this sheet of paper was true) and the DM's ability to misinterpret them counterbalance eachother nicely.
No, they don't "balance" because nothing exists without the DM's permission. There is no "usual shenaniganry". That is just your presumed "player is trying to get away with something" bias that causes you to have an inherent reflex of screwing over a player's character when a wish is made, i.e. "although even then ..."The wish in question wasn't trying to get away with something. It was quite altruistic. The player did something smart the DM hadn't foreseen and rightfully did not punish him for it as you would have. Since it was a rather major wish, it might have been justified to have cost two wishes from the ring - two to reflect the power and one left over as a DM-reminder reward for the player to use later as "a pat on the back - hey, good job!".
Reasonable wishes in the confines of the description of what a wish will and will not do, should not be screwed with by the DM
Unreasonable wishes which ask for things far beyond the power of said wish on the other hand should be misconstrued . Wishes have a "cost" which the book describes and that is appropriate to the power of the caster doing the wish spell. Asking for something beyond that cost and power will have to be paid for somehow, and the resulting karma used to pay for the wish should be appropriate to how much is being asked for beyond what is reasonable.
The ability to teleport an entire army of, say 10,000 men, plus horses, equipment, supplies, and support etc, back to the nation of origin, goes far, far beyond any reasonable description of what wishes do. In 3.5 it blows the wish out of the water in terms of what is being asked and what the wish provides. So the wish upon being fulfilled should be done in such a way as 1: to pay that cost, 2: acomplish the wish with the least amount of energy required, and 3: be as literal as possible
A reasonable wish would be:
-I wish such and such a river would overflow, thus stopping the enmey army from crossing and advancing further until it stops raging.
-I wish the enemy leaders would be teleported to us, so we can capture them and force a treaty. (duplicated the effect of a lower level spell so is in the confines of the wish)
These follow the lines of reasonable wishes.
And to get on with the subject at hand....
117: If the DM asks you "Are you sure..." then use this opportunity to rethink what you are about to do, especially if he makes you make a Wisdom, Sanity or similair such check to see if your PC would actually do it. Seriously, rethink, cause even you think it is a good idea, you know the DM just isn't going to let it work like you think.
117: If the DM asks you "Are you sure..." then use this opportunity to rethink what you are about to do, especially if he makes you make a Wisdom, Sanity or similair such check to see if your PC would actually do it. Seriously, rethink, cause even you think it is a good idea, you know the DM just isn't going to let it work like you think.
118. As a DM, never, ever imply success or failure of a check a player is about to make. In other words, never use the phrase, "Are you sure you want do to that?" Ideally, a straight face should be kept when the player sincerely wants to roll for something.
Example of the Bad:
Player: I want to make a sense motive check on the prisoner we're interrogating.
DM: Heh. Roll. [player rolls under the DC] No, you can't really tell...*smile*
Good:
Player: I want to make a sense motive check on the prisoner we're interrogating.
DM: Roll. [player rolls under the DC] You detect no dishonesty.
Or, if they succeed, do not tell them what they're being dishonest about specifically, unless the roll is a natural 20, or some obscenely high number.
Ummm...I'm pretty sure MrCustomer didn't mean actions like Sense Motive. Most DM's will only use "Are you sure you want to that...?" when the players are about to do something really, really stupid. Like "I attack the King," at 1st lvl. Or, I set off the nuclear weapon. Yeah, the one in the room with me." That sort of thing.
119. Don't attack the King. Or the Royal Guard. Or the High Mage.
120. And don't attack the city guard, either. Even if you didn't deserve the ticket you got on the way to the game.
121. Don't let the wizard cast fireball in forests, confined areas, general directions of fleeing enemies or near you. Infact don't let the wizard use Fireball at all.
122. Fireball is NOT a great deleafing tool for dense vegitation.
123. If the rogue says "trust me." or "I know what I'm doing." Don't trust the rogue.
124. Commenting on the female barbarians nice body is most likley not a good idea since she's very likley to be stronger than you. This goes double if she's carrying a large greataxe.
125. Don't use Bestow Curse around the partys paladin and then try to explain it away with "but it's a common spell, really!".
126. Even if it looks harmless don't assume it is.
127: Don't spend a few rounds trying to forcefully move an enemy over the edge of a high cliff or pit "for fun," while simultaneously ending your own turn next to or very close to the ledge.
128: Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to reason with a Chaotic Evil Tiefling Warlock. Especially not if he happens to be the ruler of the Nine Hells. And in your party because he was kicked out of the Hells. Because even if your Diplomacy is 20 or higher (before rolling), he's not gonna listen. And if he does, be prepared to wake up with several unusual implements that are not supposed to be there, in your body.
129: Never suppose that your DM has a sense of Fair-Play.
130: If you do suppose the above, never expect him to show it.
131: Murphy's Law always applies in D&D 4.0. If you think your situation can't get worse, you're screwed. If there's a giant room with no floor except a small platform in the other end filled with treasures, you're standing between a Huge or Gargantuan monster with an army of Small or Medium creatures and the spike pit.
133. Never let the barbarian handle highly volatile explosives that can go off just by being dropped.
128: Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to reason with a Chaotic Evil Tiefling Warlock. Especially not if he happens to be the ruler of the Nine Hells. And in your party because he was kicked out of the Hells.
... But the Hells are Lawful ....
I don't understand where barbarians got a reputation for dropping things...once when I accidently bumped into one and spilled his beer, he held me up by my throat and didn't even come close to dropping me once.
128: Do not UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES try to reason with a Chaotic Evil Tiefling Warlock. Especially not if he happens to be the ruler of the Nine Hells. And in your party because he was kicked out of the Hells.
... But the Hells are Lawful ....
Perhaps... but he wasn't.
- Don't do the above right before the Wizard, standing behind you, unleashes his "push everything away from me" power.
- Don't take (1) a melee-incompetent character (2) with non-cooperating ranged attack dice (3) and no blast or burst attacks ... into the middle of the map all by himself.
135. Even if it IS shiny.
136. Even if the other halfling in the group is chanting "Pull it Pull it Pull it - - "
137. Do not wake up the sleeping dragon to "give him a fighting chance".
138. Holding your breath is not an effective defense against a green dragon's breath weapon.
139. Dwarves do NOT grant wishes. Stop asking.
Wouldn't it be even scarier if said power is actually eager to help - and is both ignorant and incompetent?
Regarding wishes, everyone assumes that the power granting the wish knows a great deal, thinks things through, and is malevolent.
Wouldn't it be even scarier if said power is actually eager to help - and is both ignorant and incompetent?
Like Barbara Eden's Jeannie?
My players actually tried this once in 3.5....
141a. IF you suspect something of being something else in disguise, NEVER, EVER, EVER call them on it. See above.
Both of these are based on true events as occured to my wizard Kai last session.
143 - Never use Prestidigation to change the flavor/color/temperature of a dwarf's drink.
144 - Don't poke the ooze with a stick.
145 - Never let the wizard cast fireball in the woods when there is a druid in the party.
145 - Never let the wizard cast fireball in the woods when there is a druid in the party.
"Tell me, halfbreed, if a tree falls in the forest and there's no one to hear, does anyone care?"
- Viconia, to half-elf fighter/druid Jaheira (if I recall correctly)
148: and if you know what it is, don't drink it if it sounds dangerous.
149: Don't listen to your allies when they say "go jump off a cliff or something".
150: Don't criticize the DM for being an annoying prick. We usually do it, anyway.
151: Don't take advice from that ominous-looking mage in black robes. Or that just-as-ominous-looking demonic knight.
152: General Rule of Thumb: Don't die.